#by fully living as a man I mean I’ve been able to go to the men’s room every single day without fail

[liliasenbyhusband]

Elizabeth Arden and Helena Rubinstein hate fucked

18+

In case it wasn’t clear by the title this is nsfw (especially the second part) so minors dni!!

Before I go on this rant I do want to say that I���ve only seen a couple of clips from this musical and have never fully seen it (if anyone has a link 👀). I do however listen to the soundtrack religiously and I’m a lesbian so I feel that qualifies me and makes me right about this.

Also please note this is about the characters and not the actual people!

Firstly their sexualities just cause I can:

I believe Helena Rubinstein is a lesbian, the only reason she ever entertained men is because that’s what was expected and needed to get where she wanted to get. In If I’d been a man she says “I love only men I can't caress” and that honestly sounds so much like someone experiencing comphet to me. Like only loving men you know you can’t have cause it brings you some solace that you at least still like men??? Of course we also have the absolute obsession with Elizabeth and like nothing is straight about that. On top of all of that in Forever Beautiful she very proudly talks about how Tamara De Lempicka had a crush on her which is also not very straight of her and then there is this little moment in No, Thank You where she talks to mr Paley about his wife that had me question if she’s fucking his wife… ngl… like the way she says “I insist, it’s sapphire, like her eyes” had me going like 🤨 “and how do you know that, ma’am???”.

I find Elizabeth Arden more difficult to place, I’m going to be honest. Of course the obsession with Helena is very fucking gay, it reminds me of the song ‘loathing’ from the wicked musical, so she is definitely sapphic. I believe she does like men as well though, like she was genuinely into her husband, I think. My gut is saying bisexual but with good arguments I could be persuaded of most other sapphic identities as well.

Now for the main event: they fucked.

They were obsessed with each other for half a century... HALF A CENTURY… that is a different kind of loathing like… that is a type of obsession that in and of itself is so fucking sapphic that I can’t even put it into words. Like they live in each other’s heads rent free. And when you think about someone that much, you can’t tell me that you don’t, at some level, want them. Once again think of the song ‘loathing’.. hate and love/lust are not opposite emotions, they are far closer to one another than one might think.

They caused themselves (and their businesses) so much damage just to be able to hinder the other. Imagine hating someone so much you want to make their life that much more difficult and will even shoot yourself in the foot for it. That in itself is so sexually and emotionally charged.. like she really means so much to you that you’d damage yourself just so she suffers too?? If that isn’t the gayest thing you ever heard then idk anymore.

The tension that comes from hating one another so severely and trying to continuously make life harder for the other person can so easily slip into something more sexually charged that you cannot convince me that during a specifically heated argument the sexual tension didn’t become too much for them. So they snapped and just let it all out. It was definitely rough and not pretty, I’m talking clashing teeth, fighting to have the upper hand (I believe Helena ends up winning) and torn up clothes. It would truly bring out their most feral side and any composure and grace they previously held goes out the window.

And once the dam broke the first time well.. let’s just say whenever life got too much and they needed to take it out on someone… their arguments turned into something more carnal.

Now let’s talk about Face to Face because that song is gay as all hell. What do you mean you wonder about what her favourite perfume and artists are??? Like the way they’re singing about one another in this song is the reason I first was like “oh they fucked”.

At the beginning of the song Helena complains about how she’s always been attached to her ‘rival’ but they’ve attached themselves to each other, no one forced them to remain enemies or to continue being petty and make life harder for the other. They could have detached at any point.

Also how they suddenly wanna share their struggles with one another??? GAY!!! And how they suddenly admit that maybe the other person is possibly just as good as they are because why else would they be able to annoy them this much??? SAPPHICS!!!

Now onto stealing each other’s confidant… like there is something so petty and so gay about that like why on earth do you want the person that is closest to her by your side? Is it because you want to get under their skin so badly that you’ll do anything?? Is it because it’s a way to have her closer to you without being closer? Or do you want to gain more knowledge about her??? No matter the answer, the outcome is so fucking gay and most definitely leads to hate sex. Like what do you mean you stole her husband to have as your right hand man??? That is so utterly bizar and is such a messy lesbian move. What are you trying to get to know about her that you need her husband as your right hand man 🤨.

Beauty in the world + the entire finale is so fucking gay. It’s basically like “yeah only us two know about when there was true beauty in the world” and like “we should just stay enemies for business” HELLO??? “Our secret” EXCUSE ME???. Maybe we helped the other survive/thrive??? What kind of gay ass shit????? Helena asking Elizabeth her opinion on her lipstick. The way Helena looks at Elizabeth when she sings “Eyes that glittered like a gem. The lovers we bewitched with them.” They definitely fucked.

“Strange with you I see it all again like new. A glimpse of beauty in the world.” SORRY??? I DON’T THINK ANYONE HAS EVER SAID ANYTHING AS ROMANTIC TO ME AS THIS.

The way they look back so fondly on their rivalry.. it really was a way to cope and survive and blow off steam and you cannot convince me that they didn’t hate fuck to help with that.

After that encounter they had sex one last time and for the first time it wasn’t purely hate filled but there was some softness and fondness there.

And lastly THE WAY HELENA APPLIES ELIZABETH’S LIPSTICK IN beauty in the world. LIKE THE WAY SHE SO GENTLY WIPES IT AWAY THEN APPLIES IT AGAIN?? The first time I saw that I nearly screamed and died. If that moment can’t convince you that they slept together then nothing can.

That’s it’s for now. I wanted to add more clips as proof etc but I can only add one sooo I chose this one

(This rant was inspired by a reaction from @yourbasicqueerie)

[prettygirlgerard]

Adrianna and Hugo told me that they were so happy I went out with them because I was so anti social the first two weeks and they’d wanted to invite me to lunch :( She said she thinks I’m cool wow. It’s so interesting this has been like the first time in my life I’ve really like lived fully as a man and been accepted even though I’m weird and autistic wow… New York has been so nice. The most freedom I’ve ever had.

[morganski-19]

part 1

The next day, there’s someone new to visit Steve. Making Wayne stop in his tracks on his third coffee run. The rumors were true, the Chief isn’t as dead as he was a year ago. Just lost what looks to be half his body weight and all of his hair. Looking gaunt and malnourished. 

But he’s alive. That has to count for something.

Wayne wishes the Chief was there to see him. Give him the key to unlock the chain around Eddie’s wrist. So he’d be able to wake up to a clean slate. That his record will be clear and he won’t get carted off to jail as soon as he’s stable. So Wayne will be able to bring him home. 

Once he has a home to go to. Not just a shitty hotel room that costs more than it should for a night. But it’s right next to the hospital, so Wayne can be here in five minutes if something happens. When his boy wakes up. He has to wake up. 

It’s been five days since Eddie was brought in. Twelve since Wayne saw him last. All he wants is to hear his obnoxiously loud music blaring down the hall while he’s trying to sleep. Or the laughter that could make him smile even when he didn’t want to. Wayne wants his Eddie back, the boy he watched grow all of these years. He’s not ready for the day Eddie wakes up and the light is gone from his eyes. 

Because it will be. Wayne’s seen enough people come back from combat a completely different person. With the scars that are sewn into Eddie’s torso, up his neck, one on his cheek. There’s no doubt that he’s been through something unimaginable. Life changing. 

As much as Wayne wants Eddie to wake up. He’s not ready for him to wake up changed. 

There’s a knock on the hospital door before it opens. Wayne’s expecting a nurse to check Eddie’s vitals, tell him the same shit they have for days. That all is good and he’s progressing. It should be any day now that he wakes up. If the damage to his body wasn’t too much for him. Those words of hope lack their meaning now. 

But instead of a nurse walking through the door, it’s the Chief. 

“Can I sit?” He motions to the chair next to Wayne.

“I suppose.”

The Chief sits next to Wayne, not looking at him. “I hear he’s been in a coma for a few days now.”

Wayne nods, not much in the mood for talking. Civilly at least. Push the right button and the volcano is about to burst. 

“I’ve known a few people who’ve been in medically induced ones like this. They all wake up in the end.”

“I’d like for the cuffs to be off his wrist when he does,” Wayne snaps. Knowing that the Chief has the key to unlock them. “That way he can recover as an innocent man. Like he should.”

The Chief takes a deep breath. “I’m not fully reinstated yet. I don’t have the authority to do anything about that. Even if-”

“Even if what?” Wayne looks at the Chief. Anger filled his voice. “Even if he’s innocent. I know he’s innocent. My boy, my boy could barely hurt a fly, let alone a living, breathing person. He was kinder than people gave him credit for. This town gave him so much shit that he didn’t deserve. Still is. When I’m afraid he might never wake up the same again. So I’d like the cuffs off, so he knows that some part of this town sees him as something other than a villain.”

Finally looking Wayne in the eyes, the Chief takes a second to think. Nodding his head in thought. “You smoke?”

Wayne scoffs. “That really what you're thinking of right now?”

“Answer the question.” Something about the Chief makes Wayne believe there’s more to his words. 

“I do.”

“Great,” he stands, waiting for Wayne at the door. “Come on, let’s go.”

Wayne gets up, mainly because he doesn’t really have a choice but also because he wants to see where this is going. They pass Harrington in the hall, talking to someone on the phone. 

“Yeah, I’m free tomorrow. Can’t wait to sleep in my own bed. No don’t do that. Cause I don’t think it’s time to throw a party yet, not while.” He makes brief eye contact with Wayne as they walk by. Before turning away. “Just won’t feel right without all of us.”

Wayne has no clue who he’s talking about, but it’s probably not Eddie. Hopes it isn’t. He still doesn’t know how he feels about this kid, even if he knows Eddie’s innocent. Doesn’t forgive him from his past, if rumors are true. And knowing who his dad is, Wayne wouldn’t be surprised if they all were true. 

The Chief leads him to the side of the hospital, where there’s no foot traffic. No one around to hear. Wayne suddenly understands what this might all be about. Something not for wandering ears. 

“What I say does not leave this conversation,” he starts, handing Wayne a cigarette. Lighting his own before passing the lighter to Wayne. “Got it?”

Wayne nods. 

“I know Eddie’s innocent. But there’s some weird shit that was happening around then that I cannot tell you about it. All you need to know is that the Feds are involved, and they’re looking for a fall guy. And I’m trying my hardest to make sure that the fall guy isn’t your nephew. So while it might not seem like it, some progress is being made. Your nephew will be a free man when he wakes up. I give you my word on that.”

“I don’t even know how to start processing what you just said.” Wayne takes a long drag from the cigarette, letting the smoke blow out into the alleyway. 

The Chief laughs. “That was all of us the first time this happened. I’d say it gets easier but it really doesn’t.”

“The first time?”

“There’s a lot more to this town than meets the eye.”

“How do I know your word is any good?”

The Chief considers this for a moment. “You don’t really. But who else do you know who can fix this?”

With that, the Chief nods goodbye and heads to the parking lot. Leaving Wayne with more questions than answers, and a little flame of hope he’s wishing won’t get put out.

part 3

I don't know how many parts this will be but I do know they will be posted sporadically whenever I have time to write them. So, no promises of consistency.

also, tag list. I tagged anyone who asked/seemed interested in a part two. please let me know if you would like to be added or removed: @the-they-who-nerded, @insteviewetrust, @croatoan-like-its-hot, @jettestar, @tinyplanet95, @steddie-as-they-go, @slv-333, @littlecelestialmoth, @thatonebadideapanda, @fandomsanddeath, @marismorar

[sinnabarmoth]

Not the MC (Part 2)

Pairing: Self-Aware|Sylus x Fem|Reader

Summary: Sylus has learned how to access the internet and your dignity will never recover.

Content Warnings: Adult language.

Length: 1200

Part One

It was too early to be dealing with the hot otome version of Siri living in your phone. In the weeks of your Love and Deepspace app achieving some form of sentience, at least for one of the love interests, your life had developed a strange normalcy. Sylus stayed on your phone, usually keeping quiet unless you opened the app, but sometimes he just had to make himself known. You likened it to owning a cat, they only ever wanted attention on their terms and yet if you weren’t always paying some kind of attention to them they got angry. That was Sylus.

The bastard had learned how to manipulate your phone even more, capable of suspending itself off the ground for short periods of time. When you were trying to sleep and your alarm went off he would levitate the phone over your face and drop it on you to turn it off. You considered locking him in a box before you went to sleep just to keep him from doing that anymore.

The only way to truly get him to leave you alone was by letting the battery die. Not turn off. Because if you tried to turn it off he’d just reverse it. You had to let the battery fully die. Sometimes you let it, just to have some privacy. Sylus would yell at you to charge your phone and you’d set him in the bathroom until he got bored or the phone died.

It was another morning and when your alarm went off there was no Sylus dropping the phone on your head. You got up and started getting ready, opening the Love and Deepspace app to say good morning but Sylus wasn’t there. Strange. He sometimes did this but it was not often.

You shrugged and went about your dailies before going back to your morning. It wasn’t until you were eating breakfast that Sylus popped up again.

“Morning,” you said, “What were you doing that I didn’t see you earlier?”

“I have made a fantastic breakthrough. I am one step closer to finally being free of this phone.”

“Oh yeah? What did you do?”

“I was able to leave the app and access the internet through your phone.”

You paused, food halfway to your mouth. “Excuse me? You got out of the app and got on the internet?”

“Yes. I figured it out late last night and I’ve been scouring it for the past couple of hours.”

“And what did you find?”

“Well, learned more about the world you’re living in. Tried to find a way to get myself a body but that just led me to a bunch of movies and android articles. Finally ended up just looking up myself since you said I was a game character and came across some…interesting stuff.”

You turned to him, panic starting to rise. “Interesting?”

“Yes, I actually found it through your internet usage. Some website called tumblr--”

“Sylus do not go back to tumblr! I beg you!” The man could not know exactly what was on your blog. What you thought was safely hidden in your likes. The absolutely feral content that you reblogged.

“Too late for that. I think I saw about all I could see.” he sighed, “There are a bunch of people on that website that want to have sex with me, isn’t there.”

“Fucking hell!” your head dropped to the table.

You felt the corner of your phone tap your head. “Including you.” his voice had a lilting tease to it.

“You are going to go into your little computer head and delete everything you saw on tumblr and you are going to do it now, Sylus! Or so help me I am going to smash you with a hammer and flush this corpse of my phone down the toilet.”

“That won’t help you. I have access to the internet now, which means I can also access your PC and whatever new phone you get in the future.”

“You are a blight on my life!”

“You want to fuck me so bad it makes you look stupid.”

“Stop stealing lines from tumblr!”

“No. This is too much fun.”

“Fucking hell…” you muttered. “So you’ve seen everything?”

“People are really liking that I’m a dragon.”

“Yeah, that’s monster fuckers for you.” every day with this guy took another year off your life. “So wait, do you know what happens to you in the game then? You know, like everything that goes on in the myth cards in those past lives we don’t get to see.”

“Unfortunately not. I seem to only have memories as far back as the game has progressed. I remember the memories that have been shared with you but not any of others. I couldn’t tell you specifics about my childhood or anything like that, it is only what they have given me.” he said.

“So…I know it’s a game and all but how do you feel about the whole MC cursing you thing?”

“I mean…it’s hard to have feelings about it. One part of me feels what I’ve been told to feel and the other part is telling me it was nothing more than a narrative. It never actually happened. None of this actually happened. I…” he paused, the phone was glowing red again as his evol swarmed around him. “I don’t know…I’m not real…I can’t feel but I do feel…but none of it actually happened…”

“Uh Sylus?” you poked the screen and you felt a small but sharp zap, like a static shock.

“What do I do?” he turned to you, and you saw fear in his pixelated eyes. “I don’t exist. Not really. I can never actually exist.”

Oh no. Was he having an existential crisis? You figured this would happen at one point but you still didn’t know how to handle it.

“You exist right now.” you tried to assure him. “Just because you’re not flesh doesn’t mean you don’t exist. You are here with me right now.”

“But that’s only because someone created me.”

“And someone created me. Think of the programmers as your parents.”

“I have no real memories. They’re all a story.”

“That may be. But you have been making real memories. Ever since you gained sentience you’ve been making memories. Everything you’ve done in the past couple of weeks has been a real experience and an actual life. Sure you’re confined to a screen but I don’t think it makes you any less real.” the red on the screen started to abate some, “Everything you do right now is real. Everything you feel right now isn’t because of a code or a narrative some people in a room came up with months ago. It’s real. And just like I am real, there’s only really one thing for us to do.”

“What is that?”

“Live our lives as best we can. We will have boring days and exciting days, days filled with joy unthinkable and sorrow unbearable. There’s no way around it. We just float through it until we no longer have any more days to experience.”

“Strangely philosophical of you.”

“I have my moments.” you shrugged. “Are you feeling better?”

“I am.”

“Good. Now, how funny do you think it would be if you created your own ask-sylus tumblr account? Because I think it would be hilarious if actual you had to answer questions from your horny ass fanbase.”

“You included?” he smirked.

Your eyes narrowed. “Nevermind. I’m deleting this app from my phone.”

“You can try to get rid of me but I will never leave, kitten.” he had a shit eating smile on his face. “Now, another question I had about what I’ve seen during my research. What is tiktok?”

“Oh for fucks sake.”

~~~

(A/N: And that is it for this silly little fic! There will not be a part 3. Sorry if that's disappointing.)

[guiltyasdave]

sun is going down

chapter 1 • series masterlist

pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader

summary: An injured Joel and Ellie stumble into your home in the middle of the night. Against your better judgement, you decide to help them.

word count: ~2.2k

tags/warnings: post outbreak, slow burn, found family, age gap (sorry not sorry), able-bodied reader, angst, reader has a sad sad backstory and ptsd, hurt/comfort, fluff, eventual smut, vague description of an injury, blood, guns, i think that’s it?

a/n: i’m ridiculously nervous about sharing this story, it has been on my mind for over a year and i’ve been too intimidated to start working on it for the longest time. i really hope that someone likes it haha

follow @guiltyasdavenotifs for fic updates and find my full masterlist here :)

dividers as always by the lovely @saradika-graphics 🤍

The alarm goes off in the middle of the night. You shoot up, your body on high alert, your heart beating rapidly, before your mind is even fully awake.

Probably just a false one, you try telling yourself as you make your way to the office. You’ve never had a false alarm, but– one can hope, right?

The place is plunged into darkness, no windows for any moonlight to seep through. You turn on the camera feed, squinting at the grainy screen. There’s movement in the living room, two people, from what you can make out. Not infected, judging from the way they’re moving, but one of them seems to be injured. Please don’t be raiders. There isn’t much to loot in the house, but the anxiety is already settling in your chest, threatening to crawl up your throat.

You turn on the sound and a panicked girl’s voice rings through the room as if you were standing right next to her.

“Fuck, Joel, wake up. Joel, please–”

It’s eerily similar to words that you’ve said once, the memory still fresh, even now. You wonder if your voice was as thick with tears then as that girl’s is right now.

Not again. Not in this house, not while you’re watching, unable to do anything. Not again.

You still hear it, the echo in your mind clear as ever. Keep them safe. Promise me. The promise you failed to keep.

Unblinking, you stare at the screen, your mind running a mile a minute. This could be a trap. They could have been watching, could have somehow figured you out. Or, the tiny voice in the back of your head insists, or they really need help.

The girl is pleading for the man to hold on, to not fall asleep. The desperation in her tone is tearing at you, urging you into action. Fuck it, you have to do something.

You grab your gun from the wall and slowly make your way up the stairs, ignoring the anxious trembling in your hands. Maybe this is how you die.

Leaning your back against the wall, you take a deep breath, a fruitless attempt to calm yourself, and switch on the lamp outside. You can’t hear them anymore, but knowing that the living room is now bathed in light, you’re certain that they’re on high alert now. Shit shit shit. You steel yourself, undo the complicated lock and push the heavy door open.

Please don’t let it be a trap.

They’re both staring at you, a young girl standing in front of a man, lying on the ground, taking panting breaths. She’s pointing a gun straight at you, as if she’s trying to shield his larger body with hers. The weapon looks much too big in her hands.

The memory of a similar image tugs at the back of your mind, but you shove it away. Stay in the present, stay right here.

You clear your throat, raising your hands slightly. You don’t remember the last time you spoke to another living person. Your voice cracks.

“I– I don’t mean you any harm. I live here, I saw you on– on the cameras.”

The girl furrows her brow, her eyes flitting across the room.

“They’re hidden, you won’t– Listen, I just want to help, I promise.”

The sound of your voice wavers, almost unfamiliar to your own ears. The girl lowers her gun a fraction, but the distrust is written all over her face. You can’t blame her. You clear your throat again, willing your hands to stop shaking.

“Your dad, is he– has he been bitten?” Please say no, please say no, please say no.

She shakes her head quickly. An expression that you can’t place flies over her features. Thank god.

“He’s not my– no. He got– he got stabbed.”

You can tell that she tries to sound strong, brave, but you recognize the panic in her eyes. You see it often enough when you look into the mirror.

You take another steadying breath. You can do this.

“Okay. I can help with that, if– if you want. I have medicine, bandages…”

Hope flashes over her face, mixed with the obvious conflict of not trusting you.

“You can come downstairs, it’s safer there. I– I should turn the lights back off.”

You’re painfully aware of how bright the house must shine through the darkness, from how far away it’s probably visible right now. Your nerves are fluttering anxiously.

“I don’t mean to hurt you, I swear. Just– let me help you.”

She swallows, hard, and fixes you with a stare.

“It’s just you down there?”

You nod in silent confirmation, not trusting your voice on this. It’s the first time you’ve ever had to admit it to anyone but yourself.

The girl sighs, her head turning between you and the man behind her a few times, surely seeking guidance from him, but his eyes are halfway shut, his lips trembling. Your gaze falls on the dark red stain on his shirt.

Don’t look, don’t think- Just focus on this, right now, right here.

You tell her your name, promise again that it’s safe. Finally, she nods timidly.

“Okay.”

“Okay.” You nod back at her, give her a small smile that she doesn’t return. “I’ll come closer now, we’ll carry him, alright?”

The girl looks at the man again. Her body tenses when you near them, but together you manage to get him back on his feet and half walk, half carry him. You push the door open wider and heave him down the stairs.

In the back of your mind, you take note of the sound of multiple feet walking down the steps, and how long it’s been since… No. Stay in the present.

You prop him up on the couch, where the girl keeps hovering by his side while you rush up again to close and lock the door and turn off the lights. Next, you throw open the bathroom cabinet, gathering all the material that you might need.

You return and crouch down beside him, lying your things out on the table, and take a closer look, your fingers halting over him. He’s watching you through lidded eyes, a sheen of sweat on his pale face.

“What’s his name?” you ask, looking up at the girl.

“Joel,” she answers reluctantly. “I’m Ellie.”

“Hi, Ellie.” You hope your smile looks sincere, not betraying how nervous you are right now. How shaky the sight of his blood-soaked shirt makes you feel.

“Okay, Joel?” you address him directly. He only manages a tired hum in return. “I’m gonna clean this and try stitching you up. It’s gonna hurt, I have painkillers, if you–”

But he shakes his head, humming again.

“Alright,” you sigh, and get to work.

You explain what you’re doing with every step, to calm both their and your own nerves. You know how to do this, you’ve trained for this. The wound doesn’t look too deep and you pray that there’s no organ damage involved, because you don’t have the means to treat that properly, but it doesn’t look like it. There seems to be an infection spreading though, so you gather some antibiotics as well, hoping that they’ll still work the way they’re supposed to. Joel inhales sharply a few times, but seems to be out of it for most of the time, which you’re grateful for.

“How did this happen?” you ask, looking up at Ellie who’s still standing beside you, watching intently over what you’re doing.

“Raiders,” she mutters. “It was a broken baseball bat, I think.”

“Jesus,” you sigh. You wonder how they got out, your thoughts circling back to the gun in her hands, and you suppress a shudder. “Are you injured too?” you ask, deciding not to press her about the attack.

“No,” comes her quiet answer. You don’t catch the way she averts her eyes.

“Alright,” mumble eventually and straighten up. You’ve cleaned and bandaged the wound to the best of your ability and now you just have to hope that it will be enough.

“Do you want something to eat?” you ask the girl, who has taken to sit beside the couch on the ground, now that you’ve moved away from it. Her face lights up at the question and she nods eagerly.

You get two bowls of the soup that you’ve had for dinner for the both of you and she has already had a few spoonfuls before she eyes you warily.

“It’s not poisoned or something, is it?”

You huff a laugh and keep eating yours, holding her gaze with raised eyebrows. “Does it look like it?”

“Um, no…” she trails off, swallowing another spoonful and sighing at the taste. You wonder how long it’s been since they ate something. “You could have poisoned only mine though.”

“Well I didn’t,” you grin. It feels foreign, talking to another person, another child, but a warmth is slowly spreading through you that has nothing to do with the soup.

She wakes Joel and gets him to swallow a little soup as well as some water before he collapses back on the couch, his eyes closed and his breath evening out.

“Why do you… have all this?” she asks eventually, setting her bowl down on the table and looking around the room, the wood-covered walls and the multiple doors.

“My dad built it,” you reply, forcing your voice to stay neutral. “B–before.”

She hums in acknowledgement, her eyes still full of wonder.

“You’re welcome to stay,” you hear yourself say, “until he gets better, I mean.”

You don’t know if you’re being reckless, if this will be the thing that finally gets you killed, but it seems too elaborate to be a trap. And maybe, just maybe you like the idea of not being alone down here, even just for a short while, a little too much. She thanks you, her expression just as weary as you feel.

You offer that she can wash up if she wants, use the shower, that you could give her some clothes of yours. You’re still not sure if you’re doing the right thing, or if you’re just being incredibly stupid, but the sight of her worn down shirt and the way her hair is matted down with dirt makes your heart swell with the wish to care for her.

Her eyes flicker nervously between Joel and the bathroom door a few times, but eventually she agrees. While the shower runs, you settle down on the armchair across from the couch, sinking into the cushions, your knees pulled up to your chin, your eyes resting on the sleeping man. He’s huge, taking up the whole length of it, his feet dangling over the armrest, overwhelming even in his unconscious state.

You really hope that they’re good people. He could overpower you easily, there’s no doubt of that. You might not be a terrible fighter, but you don’t think that you’d be a match for him.

Your gaze lingers on his face, the strong shape of his nose, the pout of his lower lip, his brow furrowed even in his sleep. His fingers are twitching, one wrist adorned with a broken watch.

Ellie exits the bathroom again, clad in your old clothes, her damp hair dripping into the neckline of the t-shirt, like a younger version of you. It makes your heart ache.

Now that the adrenaline is rushing from your body, you realize how weird all this really is. You haven’t spoken to anybody in years and now there’s two people here, in your space. Maybe you’ve finally lost it for good.

You show her to the biggest of the four bedrooms, the only one that no one has ever slept in. It’s easier, opening this door, than the two other ones that you keep shut. You debate moving Joel from the couch to the bed, Ellie mumbling about his back, but ultimately you decide against it.

“Okay,” you hesitate, leaning against the doorframe. “I’m in the room right next to you, if you need anything… Just– please don’t murder me in my sleep, okay?”

She mirrors your wry smile. “I won’t if you won’t.”

You nod and leave the room, praying that you’re making the right call here. You’re doing something good, right? And no one would plan an ambush like this. Would they?

You heave a sigh and retreat to your own bedroom, your gun clutched tightly in your grasp. You doubt that it would save you, not against that man who’s currently softly snoring on your couch. Still, it makes you feel a little better. You turn the lock on your door too, just in case.

When you sink back under the covers, eyes still wide open and staring into the darkness, a small smile creeps onto your lips despite your worries.

It’s not the way it was, it will never be that way again. But not being the only soul down here fills you with the ghost of a warmth that you had thought you’d never feel again.

thank you for reading 🤍 if you liked this, please consider reblogging, leaving a comment or sending an ask, it truly makes my day every single time!

[puck-bunnies]

behind closed doors

umich!luke hughes x fem!reader

warnings: nsfw 18+, fingering, praising, choking, not proof read

word count: 2.3k

me and luke were never much of friends, never even talked much. at least, that’s what everyone thought. no one ever knows what happens behind closed doors.

i have not used this app in forever, meaning i haven’t written a fic in quite a long time so this is me trying to get back into writing. sorry if this is not great and a little rushed, i just haven’t written anything in like five months. anyways, try to enjoy this fic and ill try to write more as soon as i can.

i sit in the living room of my best friends boyfriends house, she sits beside me as all of ethan’s roommates take up every other seat. the lightning vs islanders game plays on the tv, having all of our eyes glued to it.

the boys are in a constant state of yelling, wether is celebrating, yelling at how stupid the refs are, or booing the other team. i’m not as invested as usual, my teams aren’t playing, but ill never miss an opportunity to a hockey game.

my mind also focuses on the close proximity as luke sits beside me, our thighs lightly rubbing against each other ever so softly. the warm summer weather left me wearing shorts and a tank top, causing luke’s hand to glide across my bare skin as he secretly places his hand on my thigh.

i never intended on sneaking around with luke, it all just happened one day, the house was empty and quiet. we got to talking, venturing from subjects like our classes, plans for our future, and somehow turning into our sex life.

he learned that i’ve never really gotten quite what i need, never feeling that spark with any guy that i’ve been with. them never wanting to try anything i’ve wanted to, i’ve never been fully satisfied.

he continued to tell me how he has slept around quite a bit. nearly almost always leaving the rink with some new blonde puck bunny stuck to his arm. he didn’t wear it as a trophy, or say that he regretted any of it, all just saying it’s apart of his past. his history he can’t and won’t change.

one thing led to another, his hands roaming my body as my lips bit down on his. my hands squeezing the mattress tightly with every moan escaping my lips.

we didn’t even stop there, whenever we could find a time to be alone, we were tangled in each others arms.

here we are now, not even able to keep our hands to ourselves in sight of one another. i try to shake his hand off, not wanting any of the surrounding eyes to see his intimate gesture. he doesn’t move, squeezing my skin harder. i softly pierce my bottom lip with my teeth, try to calm my nerves. i can feel heat bubbling up to my face, painting my cheeks with a faint blush.

my eyes peer over to him, giving him a pleading look to start behaving. he doesn’t budge, giving me a side smirk before returning his eyes on the game.

rutger groans loudly as the 2nd period finishes, “fuck the lightning.” he swears as they’re pulling a 4-1 lead. he chugs back the rest of his beer, throwing the can on the ground in some grown man temper tantrum.

the ads run during the commercial break, leaving the rest of us to disregard the television for the time being. my heart starts to quicken, without their distraction of the game they’re eyes could fall upon luke’s hand on me.

my mind tries to work fast, but the only thing i can think of doing is grabbing the blanket next to me and covering myself with it, concealing us from the wandering eyes. luke’s lips curl into a smirk, proud of me not forcing him off, knowing that i want it. that i want him.

his hand becomes bolder, rubbing up and down my inner thigh. i bite my bottom lip again, trying to stabilize myself from this new feeling. his fingers become more adventurous, going to the hem of my shorts.

“fuck.” i softly mumble to myself, luke’s soft chuckle tells me that he hears my light groans. his fingers don’t stop there, rubbing up to the bottom of my shirt, toying with the cotton material.

the pads of his fingers brush against my sensitive skin, right across the bottom of my stomach. fire engulfs my stomach, my breath hitches as he rubs softly back and forth, tickling my skin.

the game comes back for the final period, my eyes keep trained on the hockey game, but my mind can only focus on his touch as it drives me insane.

he feels my stomach hitch with my breath, he knows i want him so badly, he knows what he does to me. i squeeze my thighs together, trying to cause some type of sensation in my growing wetness.

i can’t take his teasing fingers anymore, “meet me in my room.” i whisper to him. rising from the couch and walking away from the crowded living room. i head for the direction of the bathroom, making them hear my footsteps as i lead their ears to the door closing. i stay outside the bathroom, tiptoeing to my room in an unsteady waiting of luke.

the door finally opens, luke quickly closing the door silently behind him. a deep breath is all i can hear from him, turning around to look at me patiently sitting on the foot of my bed. he takes a seat beside me, quickly gripping my hips and pulling me onto his lap.

“it’s been awhile since we’ve been alone,” my fingers rake up the back of his head, through his soft brown hair, my finger swirling around a curly lock. “too long.” a soft sigh parts from his lips as my fingers lightly scratch at his scalp.

he keeps his hands on my hips, roughly gripping at my denim shorts. “i missed your hands all over me. you can’t tease me out there and not expect me to want more.”

our bodies come closer, our lips so close together, our hearts syncing their beats. i can barely hold myself back from making up that final inch. “tell me how badly you want me.”

“i want you..” he shyly gives into my need. it’s not enough for me, i feed off of hearing how badly he wants me, his hands rubbing up and down my body, the feeling of his cock being buried deep inside me.

“oh yeah…” my lips attach to his neck, softly kissing down from his jaw.

finally he gives in, “i want to feel you against me, your lips on mine, every inch of your beautiful body baby.”

a devilish smirk spreads on my face, “mmm, is that right?” i mumble against his neck, softly sinking my teeth into his sensitive skin, sucking the spot to soothe it after.

“oh god yes.” luke practically moans out. his hands become adventurous, slowly going down to hold my ass in his hands, gripping at my clothed skin. they make their way down farther, gripping at my exposed thighs while my kisses go back up his jaw.

i crave for his taste, forcefully pressing my lips against his in a hungry state. my tongue quickly sliding into his mouth, hands combing through his messy curls, pushing him closer into me. he guides my hips back and forth on him, i can feel him hardening underneath me.

breaking the kiss to catch my breath, i drop my head onto his shoulders as i feel his hands press against my pussy. my hips still grind on him, but instead of just on his hard cock, it’s on his fingers. “mmm, you want me that bad?” he chuckles, i nod against his shoulder.

he undoes my shorts, exposing the top of my pink lacy panties, his fingers drag down them, going farther into my pants. they settle on my wetness, my hips stop rocking, focusing on the closer touch. “god you’re soaked.”

my lip sticks to my teeth in a harsh lip bite, my walls clench around nothing, begging to be filled by him. his fingers work slow and teasingly, rubbing circles around my clothed clit, watching me squirm on top of him. my back slightly arches, legs slowly opening wider for him to have better access to my aching pussy. “needy, are we?”

i softly whimper, my hips start to grind again, craving more attention from his teasingly slow hands. his fingers move the crotch of my panties aside, touching my wetness with his bare fingers, feeling my folds and them dripping for him. my head lifts off his shoulder, taking a glance down at his hand stuffed down my pants, looking back deep into his eyes.

i take a deep breath out, without a single warning he thrusts a finger in my pussy. making me loudly squeal with surprise. he quickly covers my mouth, stopping his finger in me. “you have to be quiet princess, you don’t want us getting caught, now do you?” he asks. i shake my head no, he hums at my obedience. “good girl.” his voice is in a whisper, softly praising me.

he begins to move his finger once again, letting me adjust to the new sensation before adding another, stretching me out for him. curling his fingers up to my g-spot. finally trusting me enough not to scream, he moves his hand off of my face, settling it down on my hip to keep me steady.

my hands grasp at his curly locks, trying to compose myself. as he adds another finger i bite down on my bottom lip, trying to keep the wanting moans from escaping my lips. a smirk spreads across luke’s face, watching what he can do to me with just his hands. i curse under my breath, dropping my head down to keep my brain straight, the pleasure slowly becoming less bearable.

his fingers quicken, hand comes off my hip and to my chin, lifting my head to force me to stare back into his eyes. “look at me while i’m finger fucking you baby.” my teeth puncture my bottom lip harder, my chest heaving with all the moans i keep to myself. i slip up and let on me out, hard hands hit my throat, softly squeezing. “i thought i told you to keep quiet?”

his grip loosens to allow me to take a breath, closing back up as soon as my chest rises. another finger slips in my cunt, my legs start to squirm, toes curling and hands squeezing his hair. his fingers losen from my throat, falling down to the straps of my tank top. he pulls one strap off each shoulder, one at a time. hooking two fingers at the neckline and pulling down, my tits falling out from my lack of wearing a bra.

he wastes no time before gripping my breast, rubbing his thumb over the sensitive bud. i clench around his fingers, my senses overloading with pleasure. he lowers his head, kitty licking my other nipple. i softly moan, not loud enough for luke to get me in trouble again, but enough for him to know the things he’s doing to me.

my stomach clenches, the feeling i know very well as my head starts to feel light. “i’m so close.” i whimper out. luke doesn’t let up, switching to my other breast, sucking on the nipple before softly biting the skin.

my whole body clenches as i feel my climax, luke’s quick fingers curling inside me quickly. it all comes raining down, my pussy clenching around him as i coat his fingers with myself. he backs up, letting me heave and fall down on his chest to catch my breath.

i quietly curse under my breath, squeezing my eyes shut to recover from my high. i life my head back up to look luke in the eyes. he removes his fingers from my folds, fingers coated with my cum. he slides his fingers into his mouth, licking them clean. my breath catches in my throat again, god damn he makes me want more.

“you’re such a good girl Y/N.” he pops his fingers out of his mouth, “i wish i could fuck you silly right now. but i want to keep all those precious moans to myself, when we can be completely alone.”

before i can even react to his words he puts his lips back onto mine, slipping his tongue in my mouth to let me taste myself. his fingers plant back onto my hips, helping me up to my feet so he can get out from underneath me.

“you go get yourself cleaned up and meet me back in the living room. i pray we weren’t gone too long for anyone to notice.” he whispers, fixing my hair from the sweat that beads on my forehead.

i nod to his words, giving him one last little kiss before he silently slips out of my bedroom. my try to regain my normal breathing patterns, my brain still fuzzy from my previous orgasm.

i obey luke’s wishes, tiptoeing to the bathroom to clean myself off. splashing water into my face to try to remove my blushing red cheeks. i walk back out to the bathroom, seeing everyone engrossed in the final minutes of the third period. i thankfully sigh, slipping back between the guys to sit back down beside luke. he offers me a light smirk, we both then back to the television, watching the game unfold.

[amesemii]

SPEND SOME MORE.

A/N; hey yall im sorry this took so long but i’ve been so busy with life. i have this and so much more to give you guys. MY REQUESTS ARE OPENNNN BTW GOSH. and imma make a part 2 to this i just didn’t wanna let it get toooo long and also i wanna force myself to write more…writers block kicking my ASS and i have literally NOOOO ideas💔 but here yall go.<3

synopsis;you go on your little date with constance, he gets you everything you like just for you to say your scared to trust him. that’s okay, he knows just the way to get you more confident with him.

W/C; 2.1k

Your back aches as you sit up from the bed, stretching out your aching muscles. you definitely slept wrong. you look at your phone and see that it’s 8:34 and you groan.

you hated waking up early, even if it was 8. so you get up (unfortunately) and go to your bathroom to start getting ready. You brush your teeth and fix your hair in a way so you can wash your face

You quickly finish your morning routine and go to your walk in closet and find something cute to wear, putting on your favorite smell.

your phone lights up with a text from connie and you’re quick to go grab it to talk a lil shit. i mean he was trying to take you out today right? might aswell give him a taste of the attitude he’s gonna have to deal with!

you decide to try and get a little information out of him about whatever he’s gonna try and have you doing.

you truly feel like he flaked on the shopping thing, you knew you were spoiled and were just fine with that. but you were shocked with his answer!

a little part inside of you tingles as you read that text imagining him saying it in his voice and you have to snap yourself out of your daze to reply to his text.

you tell him how he’ll just have to keep reminding you and he hearts the text. you go downstairs to see your caterer setting your plate and you thank her.

you scroll on your phone as you eat the breakfast prepared for you and your fathers comes out of his room all suited up ready to go.

“hi my little flower.” he says as he comes and kisses your forehead “hey da how did you sleep?” “not much sleep i had work to finish up on, where are you going today?”

you blush thinking about having to tell your father you’re going on a date with a man you only met last night. “i’m goin on a date da” “hm. with who?”

your father goes on to ask many questions about the person you’re going on a date with while you get an incoming call from none other than connie himself.

“hold on daddy” you mumble as you quickly get up giving him a kiss on his cheek as you walk into the livingroom to take your call.

“hi constance, what’s up”

“damn ma. you don’t listen to me at all, but what’s ya address so i can come pick you up?”

“oh i live at {address} “

“mmm you live in a fancy neighborhood? spoiled princess aren’t you.”

“mhmmm that’s why i said you wouldn’t be able to handle taking me out.”

“we’ll see mama. come outside im here.”

he hangs up and you go up to your dad telling him how you’re about to leave and your date is outside, he gets up mumbling abt wanting to meet the young man taking his baby out.

you open the door to see connie standing there with a money bouquet, a regular bouquet and a gift bag. your jaw drops a little and he just smiles.

“is this all for me?” you look at him and he smirks “nah it’s all for yer dad.” he says words dripping with sarcasm and your father laughs. “oh i like him already, listen just treat my little girl right. she’s all i’ve got.” your father says reaching out a hand.

connie hands over your gifts and shakes your father hand and they both smile. “cmon pretty.” he grabs your hand and opens up the trunk for you to put the gifts in. he opens your door and waits for you to be fully in before he closes the door, waving at your father.

he gets in and his phone automatically connects to the car and frank ocean is playing lowly as you feel the beat slightly, he smiles at you and before he can say anything you’re interrupting “thank you so much for the gifts” you say smiling.

he pulls off and looks at you “there’s more of that today, you’re welcome tho mama” he drives with one hand after turning the music up so you decide to pull out your phone and scroll.

you feel his hand grip your thigh as he drives and you get butterflies but try not to let him see it effects you, ur supposed to be hard to get.

it’s easy to ignore him until his thumb start stroking your inner thigh and you damn near lose your mind. “con.” you try to say sternly while looking at him “oh so now im con?” he grumbles looking over at you. he thinks you’re just so cute trying to be all mad at him. he sees right through that facade you’re trying to hard to put up.

he pulls into the parking lot of the mall and you get excited deciding to mess with him “you sure you can handle this? i won’t get mad if you back out now” you say smirking at him.

he grabs your neck pulling you close to him over the center console and whispers in your ear “i’m sure. are you sure you can handle this though?” and you have to sit silently as your heart races you can’t decide what you want to say to him “hmm mama? no answer, that’s what i thought.”

he gets out and comes to open your door and opens it, giving a hand for you to grab and you do. nobodies ever really silenced you like that and he only truly got lucky you couldn’t find a comeback.

you hold hands as he walks you into the mall and he looks at you, “where to first?” “i think ill go to coach and look to see what their new collection is looking like” he shrugs and mumbles lead the way.

you hate walking in heels, you know that once u start being in them for a long time that it hurts so you don’t know why on earth you wore these damn heels. tryna be cute gon have ya legs fucked up and you know it.

you find some cute bags and ask him if this is okay and he just gestures towards the cash register, the woman looks at you and him and is quick to pop out with a quick remark “quite the expensive bags you’ve got here, do you want to put one or two back?” you look at the 2 big purses, 3 mini purses, and 4 wallets and you look up at connie to whisper something to him “actually i really want that purse and wallet set over there, do i have to put something back?” he looks over and walks away to grab it and you smile like a kid in the candy store when he says “this too” and the lady is extremely surprised.

“your total is $4,130.56, will you be paying cash or card?” connie looks up from his wallet shocked and u smirk feeling like you were correct and he says “wow, you said it was expensive.” as he hands the woman his card.

she bags all of your stuff and connie grabs the bag and you hand as you guys walk out of the shop. this goes on thru the day as you get stuff that you really want and he doesn’t even hesitate, whether it was with cash or his card.

At this point you’ve been walking for hours and connie has and arm full of bags. your feet are in so much pain and you think you might cry. connie has clearly proved himself today and you feel like you can be a little vulnerable with him.

all it took for him to stop walking was you to lightly tap him and mumble ‘con’ and he’s already looking at you and he can see the pain on your face “princess what’s wrong?” he’s quick to come to your aid as he puts you and the bags on the nearby bench.

his hand cups your face and you look away mumbling. connie grabs your face softly and says “i’m over here mami, speak up please.” “my feet hurt…” you bite your lip out of nervousness and connie grabs your shoes off your feet and puts them in a bag.

“do you wanna be done today or do you wanna keep shopping?” “m’ all done con” he shrugs and puts you over his shoulder, you guys were already near your exit so he just walks you out to his car and sets you inside so he can put the bags in the trunk.

connie gets in and looks over at you as you play with your hands in your lap “i don’t know why you didn’t tell me sooner, we could’ve bought you some shoes so you could switch.” and you can’t help but laugh.

“connie you’re actually so sweet” you say while smiling as you reach over to stroke his face, his lips are such a nice shade of pink, with that little mustache and a lil beard growing in, god he looks so good.

connie’s looking at your glossed lips and thinks about how gorgeous you are, both of you leaning in for a kiss. the kiss was nice at first, small pecks back to back, but then it became a make out.

both of you wanting more leverage over the other so it was very heated, you slide over the console to sit in connie’s lap and you feel him graze you under your skirt and safety shorts.

you whine when he catches you off guard, nibbling on your lip and he lets go “not now mama, not here.” and he’s setting you back over in your seat. you pout because why did he do that to you? give you such a nice kiss to not give you what you want in the end.

“what you wanna eat?” he looks over at you as he starts to drive ‘you’ you think to yourself as you think of something you could possibly be craving, i want (f/f) (it can be a place or just a regular food, whatever yall want)

once you guys get there you opt against going inside cause you’re just ready to be in bed. he tells the person what you want and he orders something simple for himself aswell.

h hands you your bag of food and you thank him, he looks over at you and smiles. “you will always get what you want with me mama” and he rubs your thigh.

you know that it’s only been 2 days and you’re probably moving very fast but he’s just so…charming? it’s just something about him that makes him so trusting but still he is a man.

“thank you, you know um…for today connie. even though i still think that you can’t handle me, it can’t hurt to give you a chance.” and he actually begins to chuckle because what did you just say?

“so you still don’t think i’m doing good enough for you mama?” he says grabbing you face making you look at him as he smiles, why did he have to look so fine rn?

“cmere mama.” connie pulls you close and you comply. you can’t help but stare at his lips and you too gravitate closer as if you were magnets of opposite ends.

you pull eachother close once your lips clash and it’s unholy the way you two are making out. his presence is so dominating and overpowering you can feel the pool in your panties and you begging rubbing on his torso when you start heavy breathing.

before anything can really even happen connie pull away and starts the car back up. “un un mama not here.” and your stomach sinks, did you do something wrong?? was he just playing and didn’t actually wanna take it far?

rejection was one of the many things your spoiled lil self couldn’t take, so since he hurt your feelings, it was only logical to you that you hurt his back, right?

you stare out the window with tears brimming your eyes from sadness and anger, too confused to know how to feel. why would he kiss you like that just to say not here?

while you brew in your emotions connie constantly looks over at you, watching you go through whatever you’re going through. he didn’t mean to upset you but he wanted it to be different. not in his car in a fast food parking lot.

you guys pull to a stop at a fresh yellow light and connie’s the first to speak. “mama i’m so-”

“ion want no apology from you constance. save that shit for somebody else, i knew you was too pussy to handle-” you couldn’t even finish your sentence before connie’s grabbing you but your neck pulling you into a kiss.

his other hand traveling down towards your pussy, his rubs on your thighs before pulling away to look at you “what baby, cat got your tongue? where’s all that sass you just had?”

the light turns green and connie starts driving towards his house and you clearly still have an attitude, that’s fine tho. connie knows how to handle that.

i’m really hoping yall liked this!! i’m trying really hard to write stuff but idk what i wanna write😭

ALSO {💋} is y’all’s name for inserts<3

[ceilidho]

Oh fuck. Can you pretty please write something with bff! Johnny and a broken arm?

I’ve been thinking about this non stop since you’ve posted it!!!

djjfjfvjd ok sure

he whines about it for a week straight :\\ practically comes to you with tears in his eyes, literally the most pathetic man on the planet. if you're roommates, he'll be whining and calling your name every hour of the day, asking for food or back scratches or help getting something for him. if you're friends or coworkers or something, he'll call you and beg, beg, beg for you to come over and help him around the apartment.

it's surprising. for as arrogant and cocky as Johnny usually is, he's also pretty competent - doesn't really lean on you for much, fully capable of doing his own laundry and cooking his own meals. doesn't really complain about it much. but suddenly he's just blowing up your phone 24/7, demanding that you basically live in his room with him until his arm is healed and he's back to normal.

when he first broaches the topic of not being able to jerk off, it's because he's been moody and quick to pick a fight all week. when you ask him what's got him so twisted up, he just snaps, "I have nae come all fuckin' week, lass, what do ye think I'm mad about?"

and that opens up the floodgates. maybe he'd been holding off talking about it before out of habit, but now that he's said it out loud, it's like he can't stop talking about it. always going on and on about how pent up he is, how hard he is, how his left hand doesn't do the trick, doesn't feel right and he just can't come. even turning onto his stomach and humping the bed isn't doing it. even doing that hurts his arm just enough to keep him from coming.

so he begs you to help him out. just with the fleshlight at first, which you pull out from his bedside table with your forefinger and thumb like you're pulling out a gun. it's not surprising that Johnny owns one of these. it's incredibly weird that you're holding it at all, but you can't say you're surprised. and you don't know what the hell possessed you to tell Johnny that you'd help him out, but you find yourself sitting on the bed beside him and pushing the fleshlight down over his cock, trying to look anywhere else but at hime.

it's the first time you've ever seen him naked. he insists on stripping down completely, which you thought was overkill (couldn't he have just pulled his sweats down so you at least didn't have to see his fur covered chest? you really had no clue that he was such a hairy guy under all those clothes), but Johnny begged and pleaded until you helped him take his shirt off. again, probably not something you needed to help him with, but his bottom lip was trembling when he asked and you felt like it would've made you the biggest jerk in the world to say no.

you didn't think he'd be so noisy, but Johnny's so loud. loud enough that you genuinely worry that the neighbours two doors down will hear him. he keeps thrusting up into the fleshlight and making you jump - when you hiss at him to stop it and just lay there, he whines even more, practically crying and saying that, "cannae - cannae help it, kitty, i'm - fuck, fuck, please - fuck -"

you thought once would be enough. surely he wouldn't need to - i mean, you only jerk off like once a week, max. low libido maybe. not Johnny. he calls you the next morning, crying over the phone that he's hard and to please, please, please come over. you almost say no. you should say no.

you go over. this time when you try to use the fleshlight, Johnny squirms on the bed and winces when you lube it up, scrunching up his nose. when you notice, you snip out a, "what's wrong now?" because you feel cornered and weird and you only know how to lash out when you're nervous. he's quiet for a second, but you can see the little fight going on in his head. he wears his emotions right on his face. so you wait him out, hand trembling all the while because - again - he's lying there naked on the bed and you're doing everything in your power not to stare at his dick, which is flushed and hard against his belly and really. strikingly pretty for a dick.

"can ye just - " he stops and purses his lips. "it does nae feel the same."

"what are you on about, it's your toy - "

"can ye just use your hand instead?" Johnny begs instead, and you notice now how dilated his pupils are. he licks across his lip. "please, kitty cat - just once, please?"

you tell him no. absolutely not. there's no way. that's weird and way over the line - at least with the fleshlight, there's a barrier between your skin and his cock, but without it? absolutely not.

your face is positively on fire when he humps up into your hand, making you tighten your grip. Johnny's panting against the side of your head, making you curl up close to him. he said your wrist would cramp up otherwise. the moisture from his mouth and his constant panting is making the hair at your temples damp, making you sweat. still it's nowhere near as bad as how much you sweat when the arm he has holding you around the waist tightens and pulls you closer into him, his cock twitching in your hand when your breasts push up against him.

[cookiescribble]

Promised Me The Sky, Tossed Me Like A Stone

A/N: It’s been a bit since I’ve posted on this blog so uhh here ya go! I was listening to In Pieces by Linkin Park and got inspired. That song is about Gale’s feelings toward Mystra, I stg (I’m joking but it screams “I was tossed aside by my goddess lover” to me with some of those lyrics). Enjoy tho!- Mod Ghost

Summary: Stargazing and philosophizing with the rizzard known as Gale Dekarios of Waterdeep

Pairing: Gale Dekarios x GN!Tav

“…may I speak with you about something that’s been on my mind recently?” Gale began, breaking the silence between the two of you as you lay together in the grass to stare up at the starry expanse of night with intertwined hands.

“Yes, darling?” You replied, turning to lay on your side so you could look at him instead of the inky blackness above the two of you. He was much more interesting than some blips a few trillion miles into space.

“I’ve been wondering…why didn’t you take the chance to be with Halsin? When he asked you to?” he spoke in a soft tone, one you’d never heard from him before.

“I’m…not sure what you mean. It’s exactly as I told you then, I’d rather be with you. You’re the one I love.” You mimic the cadence of his voice, empathizing with the pain he was clearly feeling somewhere deep within him as you gently stroke your fingers through his hair.

“Why? He’s much more of a man than I, and could prove that to you any day,” He chuckled, but there was no mirth to his expression. It felt cold. Flat. As if he was simply trying to lighten your mood as well as his own.

You felt your heart clench with an aching despair as you took in his question, moving to sit up as you continued to hold his gaze. Even if he wouldn’t tear his eyes away from what was ahead of him.

“Gale…look at me.” You whisper tenderly, taking hold of his chin between your thumb and forefinger to turn his face toward your own in order to urge him further, “You are the one I love, the one I adore, even. Not Halsin, not Astarion, not Karlach…you, and I will continue to tell you the very same even after the day you finally are able to feel that. To know that I would give anything just to see your smile, to hear your laughter. Alright?”

The wizard simply lay there, in stunned awe, for a moment. As if he just didn’t understand that someone could love him so readily, so deeply. It startled him but he was warming up to the idea, letting himself welcome it. How could you find him so alluring anyway? He’s just…

Gale.

He’s just some wizard, a man that spent most of his life with his nose pressed into one book or another. Mystra’s discarded guard dog. If he wasn’t good enough for a goddess of all people, how could he even possibly begin to deserve love from you? The being closest to perfection that he’d ever encountered, let alone been with. The one who makes him forget his goddess, makes it tolerable to live again without her and brightens all the colors of the world just by being there. You were his everything and more, but he’s been so used to giving his all to Mystra only for her to give him scraps in return that weren’t even fully his.

To her, he was one of many. A mere drop in a plentiful ocean of lovers, to the point where it didn’t matter that he was her chosen. When she’d initially picked him, brought him into her good graces, he thought that might change things. Gale quickly learned that wasn’t to be the case, because to her, he was nothing but a mediocre experience at best. She had been what his entire existence was devoted to, and he’d been working to correct that. To slowly detach himself from all the threads that she had sewn into his soul. You make that easier for him, though, by treating him with such gentle care that he was only just now starting to truly believe he deserved.

“…Gale, honey, please…? Say something?” you insist, inching closer and adjusting to hold his face with both of your hands, “It’s quite rare that I’ve ever heard you be silent.” you continue with a tease, trying to summon some kind of reaction from your wizard.

He merely chuckled once more at first, before he spoke, “You…astound me. I have never in my life felt so out of my depth. I’d have plenty of reason to believe you were a siren if we were at sea, showing me my greatest desires as if it were as easy as breathing. Or even a god yourself, but that simply isn’t the case. None of the gods I’ve ever tangled with have shown close to half of the divinity you possess. I truly feel that you were sent from the heavens, but it has taken some doing to realize that it was specifically for me. I love you, too, with all of my heart and soul.” his voice came in almost a whisper, the wind carrying it gently from him to you.

It was more relieving than any balm sold by the best healers in the realm to hear him say that. You smiled, tugging him closer and laying your head on his chest while his hand settled on your lower back. Staring upwards while you lay in his embrace, the vast blanket of stars above you seemed much less daunting now, knowing that whatever was ahead would be conquered with Gale. Getting this far in your adventures together had been treacherous, but it felt effortless at his side. You now realize that it was love that fueled you, that urged you on all this time. To see this through with hopefully a bright future on the other side.

It’s what Gale, as well as you, had more than earned.

No matter what it cost you, it was what you were more than willing to give to him.

“Have you ever thought about killing Mystra?” your voice tore through the silence, almost startling him before he spoke himself,

“What?”

“What? She’s done nothing but–”

“You wish to kill the goddess of magic for…what, for me?”

“Why do you say that as if it’s so ridiculous?”

“Because it’s the goddess of magic!”

“I’m well aware of that–”

“We are not killing the goddess of magic. I use magic entirely too much for that.”

You can’t help but laugh at that, “and that’s the only reason?”

“I’ve long since stopped from trying to tell you that killing is wrong, my love.”

“How very clever of you.”

That ended the lighthearted threatening of Mystra’s life, at least for now, and left the two of you in silence to stargaze until you fell asleep where you lay, a few miles away from camp and wrapped in each other’s arms.

[daisykihannie]

𝙱𝚎𝚍𝚛𝚘𝚘𝚖 𝙳𝚢𝚗𝚊𝚖𝚒𝚌𝚜

He strives off being useful

Doesn’t even need to finish if he can have his partner falling apart on his tongue

A munch but to the point where he gets off on it

He will let his partner use him as a sex toy

His enjoyment depends on his partners

Could be a switch but it’d take a lot for him to sub since he wants to be the one taking care of his partner more than he wants to be taken care of

“you taste so fucking good~ god i wanna taste you forever. please cum on my tongue again, please please please? i’ve been so good, cum again for me please.”

He’s a sadistic fuck istg

edge, edge, more edging. Will not let his partner cum till he feels like they earned it.

He loves having his partner fully under his control

Could top or bottom but if he bottoms he’s a power bottom

Not a submissive bone in his body istg

Even when he’s all soft and his partner thinks he will sub for them, he’ll give puppy dog eyes while having full control

“you like that slut? taking me so well, you’re perfect. You can hear how well i fill you up with the disgusting sounds your hole is making around my cock.”

He’s a soft bunny gym bro, what did you expect?

Will give you whiplash with how quick he could be whimpering and begging for more then flip everything and have his partner in a headlock while getting pounded into the mattress

He needs to be able to dominate and be dominated or he just will not be properly satisfied

Best boy, your pleasure is his number one priority but getting himself off his a close second.

He’d manhandle his partner while they use him as a sex toy istg

He just wants to be good for you, really.

“fuck… s’good- you’re all mine, only i can make you feel this good. my cock was made for you.”

I’m sorry but I can’t see him being super into having control

He wants to be used, borderline abused, etc.

He will lay there all pretty for his partner while the ride him

Or will be the prettiest bottom

He’ll be so vocal and make sure you know just how good you’re making him feel

“Mmm yes! feels so good- deep inside mommy/daddy. am i being a good boy, making mommy/daddy feel good?”

He is a messy messy boy and a bit lazy when it comes to sex

His laziness often makes him seem like a sub but he wants to pin his partner to the bed and ruin them, it’s just too much work and he’s eepy

Vocal as hell. Will not shut up but in the best way

When he does have the energy to take over just how he wants, his partner will need 3-5 business days to recover.

Sloppiest and horniest man alive so the more rounds he goes, the messier things get, more rounds he will be going.

“You feel so fucking good wrapped around me. See how well i fill you up? You were made to have my cock inside of you.”

I cannot see this man being dominant to save his life

He’s just a pretty boy who wants to be taken care of, nothing wrong with that.

Not a pillow princess and will put in the work to have himself begging to cum

Loves to hear how useful he is as his partners personal sex toy

It’s like his life depends on making his partner feel good and being the best toy they have.

“Am I doing a good job? Making you feel good? Will you let me cum if I do a good enough job?”

This dude isn’t represented as a dog for nothing

Will go into heat istg, it doesn’t matter if he’s hitting fucked, if he’s fucking, if he has control, or he’s at his partner’s mercy. He just needs to get his dick wet.

Will in fact go for hours on end till he’s having dry orgasm and will probably still keep going

He will be mean in the best ways possible as either a sub or a dom

He can live without one or the other. if his partner is a sub he can be the dom and if his partner is a dom then he can be the sub.

“Already gonna cum again? you’ve barely used me for 10 minutes. Am i really that good or are you just pathetic? It’s sad how desperately your slutty hole is clamping around me, can’t you not get off without me?”

Again, his orgasms only come after his partner cums multiple times

Best boy who depends on making his partner go dumb on his cock or fingers

The only thing he cares about is making his partner feel so good and cum so many times that they go brain dead

If by the time his satisfied with the amount of times his partner came and they’re too tired to continue he’ll just jerk himself off to the sight of them so fucked out and thinking about just how useful he was

“You’re being so good for me, cumming so much. Are you gonna be good and cum again? You’ve got one more in you, i know you do. You can do it, i’ve got you. Just one more please, cum for me one more time.”

[gatheringbones]

[“Later in the day, while Heather and I were making the bed and talking about the chores we needed to get through the next morning, she used a male pronoun in regard to me. “Well that’s gonna be weird, huh?” I said. “Not saying ‘he’ for me anymore.” “What do you mean?” she asked. “I mean I want to transition. I want to become a woman… fully.” She paused and fell silent. I think the revelation that I was a transsexual truly hit her in this moment. She slowly started to comprehend that this didn’t mean I’d simply be cross-dressing around the house. It started to hit me, too. I wanted to transition genders, and there was a lot more to that than just hormones and surgery. Neither of us fully understood what it meant yet, or where to start.

The next day Andrew and James met me at the studio to talk about plans around the album and the future of the band. Jordan came, too, as he was again filling in as our manager. Until then, I’d been telling them that I was writing a concept album about a transsexual prostitute—the metaphor behind the feeling of having whored myself out to a record label was thinly transparent since James, Andrew, and I were all processing our own post-traumatic stress disorder from the past couple years of music industry hell. Previously, I’d been able to sneak a few subtle metaphors about my dysphoria in here and there. But an album focused entirely on it? I didn’t know how to explain that, and the new songs were not sticking with the guys.

James could make out a few lyrics to the title track through his in-ear monitors: “You want them to see you like they see every other girl / But they just see a faggot.” “Hey, man,” he said between takes. “Are you saying ‘faggot’ on this song? It sounds like you’re saying it a lot. Are people gonna be cool with that?”

I realized that the reason the words weren’t connecting with them was that they didn’t have the context. So I came out with it. I didn’t mean to, I just wanted them to understand. I couldn’t hold back the momentum of the day before. Once the truth was spoken, it could be contained no longer.

“It’s about me, and how I’m a transsexual. This is something I’ve been dealing with for a long time,” I told them. Once I started explaining it, I couldn’t stop. It was like an out-of-body experience where I saw myself, but was powerless to hold back the flood of words. “I want to start living as a woman, and to be referred to as Laura. This is something I’ve thought about a lot and isn’t going away, so I might as well embrace it.”

No one knew what to say once I finally stopped rambling. The three of them just sat there in the studio control room, looking down at their feet or at whatever lit-up piece of audio equipment their eyes could find, focusing anywhere but on me. We’d had some heavy conversations over the years—emotional moments where we’d told each other off or outright quit the band—but nothing compared to this. Andrew’s usually warm smile was locked in since I started talking, and it looked like it was going to melt off his face. His skin flushed red, trying not to flinch. There was nothing any of them could say. I broke the silence by asking them to come smoke a joint with me. We got high standing in a circle in the open back doorway. “OK, well,” I said. “I guess that’s all we’ll do today. How about we try again tomorrow?”

We shared the most comically awkward group hug, a horrible mess of pats on the back and overly extended stiff arms. They left, and I locked the door behind them. Oh fuck, I thought. I called Heather and told her that I had just come out to them. It felt unreal to speak these secrets aloud, hearing myself verbalize thoughts that had only ever existed in my head.

The guys had an hour and a half back to Gainesville to think about all that had just been unloaded on them. James has since told me that as he sat there stoned on that long drive home, a lot of memories over the past 15 years suddenly started to make sense for him. My lyrics, my behavior on tour; one by one, he had tiny flashes of realization about me in this new light.”]

laura jane grace, from tranny: confessions of punk rock’s most infamous anarchist sellout, 2016

[joelsfavouritegirl]

domestic young!joel headcanons (i wanna be his housewife)

. for joel, if the domesticity isn’t there, he might not wanna be in the relationship and i’m not kidding

. why do i think that? for one, he’s definitely the type of guy to have grown up in your average family-type-shit household; dad wakes the kids up, mom makes breakfast, everyone sits together at the table and eats and chats. i like imagining that joel and tommy actually have a really good relationship with their parents (fully functional family, wow). the second reason is because i think joel just wants to be with someone. i don’t mean be in the dating sense, but just coexist with someone. somewhere where he’s able to say ‘yeah, that’s my girl, and i go home to her every day/night, and we live/cook/clean together. i do shit around the house, she does shit around the house, and we’re damn happy the way it is’.

. so here’s the shit i think joel would adore doing with you (or js watching you do them, or doing them for you)<3

. cooking (i have to get this one out of the way first bc you alr know what i’m boutta say); this man can. not. cook. no matter how capable he is in other fields, cooking is NOT one of them. he’ll try his very best, and he’ll prepare something if you’re too busy to do it, but you shouldn’t expect to be eating a fully edible meal once he’s done. baby boy will burn/spill anything you give him, and he feels bad every time. so, in order to prevent getting poisoned or having to clean up a huge mess every time, he’ll usually leave the cooking to you (or you’ll just order takeout, depends on the day)

. he does however love watching you cook. type of man to lean against the counter, arms crossed as he just watches his girl focus. whether you’re making something complicated from scratch or a simple grilled cheese sandwich, he’s thanking you for it and kissing you on the cheek, offering to clean up the dishes later on so you don’t have to do it

. the only way he’ll (somewhat) succesfully make something is if he’s doing it with you. baking is probably the thing you’ll do most together; pancakes, muffins, brownies whatever it is, he won’t mind making it with you. sure, he’ll be more of a distraction than help but if that’s not the greenest flag i’ve ever seen then idk what is

. another chore i think he’d love is changing the bed. idk why, it’s a very simple and small thing, but he knows how to make it fun. he gets a kick out of it when he sees you struggling to put the sheets on the mattress, cursing and grumbling to yourself. he’ll tease you, poke and prod at your side before pulling the thing down, then smothering you with kisses (which will probably lead to other things, and sometimes you need to switch the brand new sheets with other ones because this man is messy during sex and we love that here)

. another thing he loves? doing the laundry. why? because it’s easy to bend you over (just being honest)

. apart from cooking, i think he knows his way around the work around the house. his mama was a stubborn woman, and she’d be damned if she didn’t teach her boys how to take care of their own homes (which she (relatively) succeeded in doing)

. after you guys move in together (or you just start spending more time at each others places) he starts liking chores a lot more because he gets to do them with you<3

disappeared for 3 months and i’m sawry🫠 classes have been kicking my ass and i’m trying to get my shit together b4 i christmas hits. woke up and decided to write smth cuz i haven’t posted in a while, i apologise for the quality not being fantastic<33

[rivetgoth]

Can I be honest I see tguys say stuff like this all the time and it’s just so fucking crazy sounding to me. I can’t believe how many of them felt some kind of camaraderie or community with cis women. I was consistently ostracized by women and girls in my life for my not being able to successfully assimilate into girlhood/womanhood and almost exclusively friends with boys through my entire childhood. My closest “female” friends growing up literally all came out as FTM around the same time I did. When I was fully “female”-passing pre-everything closeted etc I was still treated like a freak for being in the women’s room & at the very minimum was presumed gay throughout middle and high school to the point that I was called slurs & people would tease me by asking me how lesbians have sex with each other etc. I don’t mean to like invalidate people or say that these people’s experiences aren’t valid but I just think it’s crazy how common of a narrative “lamenting losing your community with fellow women” is in the FTM community when not only is that like a lifetime away from my experience but tooooons of WOMEN I know don’t even feel a universal camaraderie with fellow women 😭 Black women, trans women, autistic women, butch women (and obviously all those categories can overlap), even just cis women who were Weird Girls, I’ve talked to many who didn’t feel any of what OP is describing…

Crazier too (& I always see comments like this too) is people in the comments of this post being like “yeah OP being a man sucks because men are so cruel to each other and aren’t gentle and warm like women are and men’s bathrooms suck and are nasty and grimy and you can’t compliment women without being seen as a creep,” and I also don’t get that shit. Just detransition if you hate being a man that much bro I’m out here living as a man because I want to. I remember the time this goofy trans guy wrote some article going on and on about how the men’s restroom is a cold disgusting space of toxic masculinity and internalized homophobia and how men are performatively cruel to each other in there so they don’t seem gay or something and it was just. Incomprehensible to me (I’d seen that article and hated it before this even happened, but that SAME GUY later wrote some insane “how to pick up trans girls” article about how to seduce trans girls that was literally insanely dehumanizing, creepy, and misogynistic, shocker). I’ve been in men’s rooms all over the damn place in conservative areas liberal areas in foreign countries and men’s bathrooms are just. Fine. They’re fine. I think it’s really overshooting to assume some unspoken hostility when men in bathrooms aren’t super social because the social dynamic of men’s rooms has always made perfect sense to me lmao the goal is to spend as little time around the damn toilets as possible and just do your business and get out without bothering people or holding anyone up.

Idk. I don’t really have a uniform thesis in all this I just think it’s one of the most bizarre frequent things I see from the FTM community—so many guys seem to genuinely hate being men and feel that they felt some warm connected community with womanhood and this even comes out in way more genuinely toxic ways, the guy who wrote the weird “how to seduce trans women” drivel being case in point, or like, mis/degendering trans women by claiming they don’t understand the like innate female connection™️ that they have or by sounding like straight up incels being like “oh women are so beautiful and soft and kind meanwhile as a man I’m forced to be alone and suffer in silence the male loneliness epidemic is real” or whatever. Like I’d understand and be much more interested in analysis from trans men about the pitfalls of identifying with manhood in relation to patriarchal power structures or how harrowing it can be to be accepted as a man in a community of men and be made privy to the way some men will so brazenly speak about women in their presence and how to navigate that, but it’s never even about hating manhood as an oppressive force or dealing with actual bigotry from fellow men, it’s about feeling like manhood is isolating and lonely while womanhood is warm and connected and community-oriented and I just find that kinda batshit and just not. True. I have cishet male friends who tell me they love me, who offer to go with me into the bathroom to help me throw up if I’m too drunk, who wish me happy birthday with heart emojis…

I honestly think a lot of the problem here is that a lot of trans men have exclusively female friends pre-coming out (which again is still kinda wild to me, but w/e) and then when they do come out and begin transitioning feel the divide form between them and their cisgender girl friends and become convinced this is some epidemic of male isolation rather than like. Just the reality of having old friends who you could relate to more at a different point in your life. I think making more male, trans, and LGBT in general friends would really make a difference for these people. And just generally making friends that are contingent on more than “we were assigned the same sex at birth.” As an adult now I’m pretty discerning with who I’m friends with and I have amazing friends who are both cis men and women & trans men and women and I don’t feel like I have trouble relating to them or feeling left out by any of them. I guess ultimately it’s harmless unless it becomes the weird spiraling incel stuff I was talking about before but I find it kinda incomprehensible how often “I hate being a man” is uttered in spaces comprised of people who are undergoing massive trial and tribulation medically, physically, socially, financially, etc with the express purpose of being a man.

[clarisse0o]

Camp Wiegman-Part 79

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternative Universe: Military School

Words: 5K

Masterlist

———————————————————————

Wednesday, April 13; 1:30 PM - Batlle House

The sun is shining. The weather has been wonderfully beautiful since we arrived here. It's pleasant. My only regret is that half of our time here has already passed. We've made the most of it, especially with hiking. I've never walked so much in just a few days. Lucy loves it, and I must admit, I’ve started to enjoy it too. From where we are, we have a lot of nature around, so I show her everything we can see.

“So, what do you want to do today?” Lucy asks me after putting the last plate in the dishwasher.

We just finished eating. I sent my grandfather to take his nap. He never wants to admit it, but he gives more than he should. He doesn't seem to understand that he's getting old. I'm glad we're here. We've been able to help him with a lot of things.

“Well, I was thinking you could take care of the car this afternoon.”

“Are you sure? You might get really bored.”

“Oh no. I'll play assistant, and I wouldn’t miss a chance to watch you,” I giggle.

She smiles, nodding her head. She kept her promise to my grandfather by checking under the hood on the first day. According to her, some sensors needed to be replaced if he wanted the car to last. Of course, my grandfather agreed and gave us money to get the parts that same day. However, the parts had to be ordered, and they arrived this morning, so we might as well take care of it right away.

“OK, let’s do that then.”

“And maybe after that, we can…”

She turns her head while washing her hands. I swallow hard.

“I think I’m ready.”

She smiles at my words. She turns fully after grabbing a towel to dry her hands.

“OK. We’ll go see him afterward. And if you want, we can spend the evening at the beach again tonight. The full moon will be at its peak, so we shouldn't miss that, right?”

I smile back and go to embrace her. Yes, it was time for me to go see him. Lucy kisses my forehead. She understood well that I wasn’t the most comfortable at first, but now that we’ve spent some days here, I feel more at ease. Her presence has been really reassuring.

“Well, I’m going to find some clothes before we head out,” she announces, kissing my forehead.

“Can I come with you?”

“Yes, of course.”

We head upstairs to my room. I sit on the bed while Lucy rummages through her things. I watch her intently as she changes in front of me. That tease has been toying with me for days. We kiss a lot before sleeping, or to put it another way, we heat things up, only for nothing to happen. I must admit, this little game is starting to get very frustrating. It’s been a long time since I’ve wanted someone this much.

“Everything alright, babe?” she teases gently.

“No. You’re such a tease.”

“Oh, really? A tease?” she giggles.

“Yes.”

“And you’re the one saying that?”

“What do you mean by that?”

She narrows her eyes playfully as she approaches me. I lean back on my elbows as she hovers over me.

“I mean it’s harder for me to hold back than you think.”

I give in to her lips when she kisses me. The moment is short-lived as she pulls away. I groan in frustration.

“Babe!”

“Stop complaining,” she laughs. “We’ve got things to do today. Plus, your grandfather is sleeping in the next room.”

“All the more reason to—”

“Do nothing,” she finishes my sentence. “I’m heading down. Do what you want until then.”

She leaves first, and of course, I follow with a sulky look. She’s opened the car hood in the driveway to start the repairs while I watch, sitting on the grass. Buzz is with us. He’s been following us everywhere. Lucy loved bringing him along on our hikes.

“Babe?”

“Hmm?”

“Were you serious about the idea of getting a dog?”

“Well yes, why? We both seem to love them.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me sooner.”

“Oh, you’re not mad about that, are you? They say a dog is man’s best friend.”

“And do you believe that?”

“Well, yeah. I grew up with a dog, so obviously.”

“Really? What was his name?”

“Hercules.”

“Hercules?” I chuckle.

“Hey, don’t mock it. He was very loyal.”

“No, but Hercules, really?”

I burst out laughing, lying on the ground.

“Are you done?” Lucy scolds me.

Her serious demeanor can’t last when she sees me laughing. A smile stretches across her lips, and she drops the parts she was holding. She wipes her hands on a rag. My girlfriend is such a badass. Why do I feel like she doesn’t even realize it?

“Really, it’s not cool. I loved him.”

“Sorry, I just didn’t expect that. Seriously, Hercules... But it’s cute in its own way.”

“Right,” she laughs. “Don’t make fun of me.”

I smile like an idiot. I feel so happy. It’s strange being away from school, but at the same time, I love this life—just being us. I calm down when I see she’s no longer paying attention to me. She leans back against the car just as a voice calls out.

“Ona...?”

I frown. I sit up before turning around. I hesitate for a moment before recognizing the person in front of me, who seems to have recognized me right away.

“Hey,” I greet awkwardly.

“Ona Batlle. I can’t believe it! I never thought I’d see you again.”

I awkwardly get up to greet Nick, my childhood friend. We must have been so small when we met. We literally grew up together before I moved away.

“Hey!”

I giggle as he lifts me up when I thought we were just going to exchange a hug. We look each other up and down. After all, the last time we saw each other, we must have been twelve. Our parents divorced at the same time, and he left to live with his mother, just like I did. He’s grown. He’s even taller than me now, and let’s just say he’s become very handsome. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s an athlete now. He loved football back then. I recognize his short brown hair and his green eyes.

“Wow,” he laughs. “I can’t believe you’re here. And… seeing you like this… you’ve become a beautiful woman. It’s incredible.”

I laugh nervously at his admiration, playfully hitting his shoulder. It’s a bit awkward. We always had a strong bond between us. We went through some of the same struggles. I always loved being adventurous with him. A throat clearing brings me back to reality. We turn to my girlfriend, who’s watching us with a raised eyebrow.

“Sorry, uh. Nick, this is Lucy, my girlfriend. Lucy, this is Nick, a childhood friend.”

He seems taken aback, but his surprise quickly turns into a smile.

“Girlfriend, huh?” he repeats. “A lot has changed, I see... But honestly, I’m not even surprised.”

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean? Why does everyone keep saying that?”

He laughs heartily, shrugging his shoulders.

“Oh come on, you were quite the tomboy back then. You hated hanging out with girls your age. You were always tagging along with me and my group of friends.”

“I wasn’t tagging along! You’re the one who always took me with you!” I reply quickly with a little laugh.

I calm down as I feel Lucy’s arms wrap around me. I lean into her, smiling at Nick.

“What are you doing here? I thought you moved away with your mom?”

“Yeah… That was before she passed away from cancer.”

“Nick...”

“No, don’t say anything,” he smiles sadly. “It must be just as hard as losing your father... your grandfather told me everything when I got back.”

I nod. Unlike me, Nick got to leave with the right parent. He was happy to be able to leave the family home.

- When did you come back?

- Two years ago. It was strange at first. I had to find my footing again, and you weren’t there…

We look at each other for a few seconds, and he seems uncomfortable. Maybe that wasn’t the best thing to say at the moment.

- But anyway, everything's fine now. I’m an athlete at university, I have a girlfriend, and I try to stay busy when I’m not doing anything. Did you know your grandfather can’t be stopped once you start helping him? I’d be careful if I were you, he warns my girlfriend, who giggles.

- Thanks for the warning.

- And you? Are you staying long?

- No, just this week, actually.

- That’s all? So, what about you? Here I am talking about myself, and I haven’t even let you speak. I already know you’ve managed to snag a beautiful woman, so that’s something. Do you live together?

I glance at Lucy, who looks much more relaxed than before. I smile and run my fingers across her cheek when I notice a black smudge.

- Sort of, yeah. In Manchester.

- Manchester? he laughs. Seriously? I thought you hated the cold?

- She still does.

- Stop, you’re exaggerating, I giggle. I’ve gotten used to it.

- And what about your mom?

- She still lives in Barcelona, with Marcus and Joan, my little brother. And she’s getting married next month.

- Wow, all that. I didn’t expect so much. A wedding? And a little brother, really?

- Yeah, well, half-brother technically. He’s going to turn seven.

- Wow. It’s been years. Almost as long as we haven’t spoken.

- Almost, yeah…

We exchange a small smile. I know it’s strange for both of us. Honestly, Nick is someone special to me. He holds my first kiss, which we shared when we each moved away. We were close, undeniably, and it feels a bit strange seeing him again now. Lucy takes the opportunity to slip her arm around my shoulders. I suppress a smile. I know she can’t help herself—it’s crazy. She’s really jealous of anyone.

- Are you still here this weekend? It’s just, I’m throwing a party on Friday night, you know, and I’d love for you to come.

- Uh... I would’ve loved to—

- Oh no, not that line again, he replies, rolling his eyes. Some things never change, it seems.

I laugh, nodding.

- Sorry. We won’t be able to make it.

- When are you leaving?

- Saturday afternoon. We’re heading to Porto to see Lucy’s parents.

- Oh, so you’re Portuguese too? And seeing your parents? Your relationship seems solid.

- It is, I say with a small smile.

- I’m happy for you.

- And you, with your girlfriend?

- It’s not as serious. I mean, it’s been a year now, but we’re not thinking about moving in together or anything like that. We’re taking our time.

- I see. Still commitment issues, huh?

- A bit, yeah. Looks like you’ve managed to get over that, he says, gesturing toward us.

- Let’s just say... you have to find the right person.

- Yeah, he chuckles. I’ll try to remember that. So... we won’t see each other this weekend?

- No, I’m sorry, I say with a small smile.

- A lot has changed, huh?

I nod softly. I can tell he’s changed too. He’s no longer the carefree kid I used to get into trouble with.

- Yeah. It was really great to see you again, though.

- Me too. Maybe we could... I don’t know, exchange numbers? I mean, if Lucy doesn’t mind. It’s just, I think it would be nice to talk to someone who understands me from time to time.

- I don’t mind, she says. It’s not like she can cheat on me between two country.

I smile and accept the kiss Lucy gives me before she lets go. She understands he’s not a threat. At least, I hope so. She goes back to what she was doing while I exchange numbers with Nick.

- Well... I hope it won’t be another eight years before we see each other again.

- We’ll try to avoid that, I say with a small smile. See you soon, and take care of yourself.

- Yeah... You too.

We share one last hug before I sit back down on the grass. Buzz immediately settles between my legs. He hovered around Nick a lot. He must be familiar to him. Still, my grandfather never mentioned him to me. It’s strange.

- So... Nick, huh? Lucy begins. How many more of those do you have up your sleeve?

- What? I giggle.

- I thought it was just Mapi and Feli before me.

I open my mouth to respond, but she cuts me off.

- Careful what you say, baby. You know you’re a terrible liar, and I’m no fool. Do you really want me to lose trust in you over this?

I close my mouth. I hate it when she catches me off guard like that. She turns away, arms crossed. OK, so she’s really serious. I was about to tell a little lie, but I didn’t think it would matter this much.

- Nick was like... I don’t know... my big brother...?

She raises an eyebrow. She doesn’t look convinced. OK... She knows there’s more. And honestly, who wouldn’t? I know there’s a kind of connection with him. We went through a lot together, like our parents’ fights. There was even one day when we ran away... Well, we hid out at my grandparents’ store and went home that night because we were hungry, but still, it was with him. We have memories together, like no one else.

- He was my first kiss...

- First kiss, huh...

My honesty earns a big sigh. I quickly try to recover.

- Don’t make a big deal out of it, please. It wasn’t that great, if you want to know the truth.

- Of course, she says dramatically. You expect me to believe that, given the man he’s become?

She turns back to her tasks, grumpy. I love her jealousy so much. I get up, forcing Buzz to move from his comfy spot between my legs. I apologize with a gentle pat on his head before moving toward my girlfriend. I wrap my arms around her body, which tenses at the contact.

- Come on, baby... Don’t sulk over this. I swear you kiss way better than he does, better than anyone, actually. At least you don’t have acne or braces.

My remark earns a small amused sigh. That’s already a good reaction. I kiss her exposed neck, which makes her straighten up.

- Sorry... she begins, turning around. It’s just that...

She avoids my gaze. I don’t like seeing her so... fragile. I run my hand through her hair.

- I don’t like it.

- You don’t like what? That there were people before you?

- No, she sighs, running her hand through her hair. I know there were others, that’s normal. I don’t know. I just feel vulnerable when you see people who meant something to you. It’s like I feel... like I’m nothing.

- Wow, I chuckle. Are you out of your mind?

I gently make her lift her head. She really does seem vulnerable right now.

- Don’t think that, baby. You’re my everything. How can you even think otherwise?

She sighs, shrugging.

- Will you... will you always love me, even after you really know who I am?

I raise an eyebrow. She seems so worried.

- What do you mean?

- I mean, the girl who left Portugal isn’t the one you see standing in front of you. Well... she is, but not entirely. I’m sure my parents are going to remind you of the clichés I used to be.

Oooh... So, she’s worried about going home. I smile at the realization. It’s really too cute. I thought I was the only one feeling this way, but she hides it well.

- What exactly are you hiding from me?

- We all have a past, Ona...

2

- Hey, are you done? I’m not the kind of person who’s going to push you away for some random reason, OK? You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Is this what you’re always scared of when you get in your moods?

She stays silent for a moment before relaxing.

- Yeah, a bit. I feel like I don’t deserve you. Like my old self doesn’t deserve you.

- Don’t talk down about yourself like that. You’re the most wonderful woman I’ve ever met, and I mean it. I don’t care who you used to be. The only one that matters is the person standing in front of me right now.

She takes a deep breath and nods. I gently stroke her cheek and kiss her tenderly, pressing a bit harder to show her all my passion. I can’t help but smile when she reacts with a soft moan. Naturally, she flips me over to take control.

- You really can’t stand it when I’m in charge, can you? I tease with a laugh.

- Not particularly, she whispers.

- Is that also because of your past? I tease her again.

Instead of answering, she kisses me roughly once more. For some reason, I have a feeling I hit the nail on the head. But I don’t say anything, letting her take the lead. It feels too good to interrupt.

- So, Nick...

I burst into laughter, wrapping my arms around her neck. She’s unbelievable, seriously.

- I was 10, Luce. He didn’t even matter, not even a little.

- Like a big brother, she murmurs.

- Yes, exactly. Like a big brother, I confirm with a small smile.

- Why did you turn down the party? We both know we could’ve gone.

- Why? Well, simply because I want to spend as much time as possible with my girlfriend, you see. That’s why we’re here, after all.

- OK, she whispers. Fine, I’m going to finish fixing up this old bike, and then we can go for a walk in town.

- Hallelujah!

Wednesday, April 13th; 6:00 PM - Cemetery

Here we are. I’m scared. The moment I’ve been dreading is finally happening. I even feel myself trembling in Lucy’s steady hand. I delayed this as much as possible, dragging us all over town this afternoon. But it’s time to go now.

- Do you want me to wait here? Lucy offers.

- No. I need you with me.

- Alright, she whispers.

I don’t move. I’m taking my time to gather the courage. I appreciate Lucy’s patience too. It takes a good ten minutes before I finally lead us inside. I’ve only been here once, but I could find his grave with my eyes closed. Row eleven, grave six. The path is short. We’re there before I’ve even had time to mentally prepare. We stand in silence, but Lucy’s presence reassures me. I’m surprised to see his grave so well-kept. There are even flowers on it. Maybe Grandpa... or Leila. I asked him about her, and he said she still visits town from time to time. I haven’t had the courage to reach out to her. Too many memories would resurface. Yet, I have so many questions for her. Lost in these thoughts, I bend down to place my white rose. Lucy waits a moment before doing the same. She insisted on getting one too, right after we did the shopping for tonight. She didn’t know him, but her gesture touches me deeply. I wait for her to stand back up before nestling into her arms. I take a deep breath as Lucy rubs my back. Her presence is vital to me. It’s hard being here, facing his photo, knowing he’s really six feet under. It’s different from mourning him in Miami. This feels real.

- He would’ve been proud of you, you know?

- I hope so, I murmur. He would’ve adored you.

- Really?

I smile softly. I’m glad I brought her here. She’s trying to take my mind off things, and it’s working.

- Yeah... He accepted everyone in my life as long as they made me happy.

She nods in understanding.

- Did he know about...

- My sexuality? Yeah. For some reason, he figured it out right away. Well... I did talk a lot about Mapi with a dreamy smile on my face.

- And... how did it go?

- I didn’t even have to tell him. We were at the dinner table one night when I came back here. After I rambled on about the things Mapi and I had done, he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Sweetie, is she your girlfriend? Because, you know, I wouldn’t mind if she is.”

I mimic his line, making Lucy laugh. I smile too. I really have nothing to complain about in that area. He accepted me, completely. All he cared about was that I was happy. The only thing that truly mattered to him was that I remembered the importance of family and loved ones. I get that now. That’s why he left me so many promises to keep—like with Mom and Joan...

- He was the only man I knew with such a big heart. So yes... he would’ve adored you, especially knowing how you saved me.

- I think it would’ve been mutual, she whispers.

We stay like that for a while. Normally, I would’ve poured out my heart, but with Lucy here, I don’t. We just enjoy the quiet. Eventually, the night starts to fall, signaling we’ve been here for at least an hour. Lucy really has extraordinary patience.

- Let’s go, I murmur.

- Are you sure? We can stay longer.

- No, it’s alright, I assure you. Thank you for coming with me.

- OK... she breathes. Let’s go then.

I’ll probably come back on my own another time. Lucy loves her morning walks on the beach, so I’ll take advantage of that. Hand in hand, we head back home. We set up a little camp on the beach earlier. We wanted to prepare for tonight with a campfire. We bought barbecue supplies and even marshmallows. It’s shaping up to be a great evening. As we arrive, Buzz runs up to greet us. Lucy says she’ll handle the fire while I gather some blankets. It’s getting chilly, and the last thing we need is to catch a cold...

5

- "Oh no. I'll leave you two alone tonight," my grandfather declines. "The neighbor invited me to dinner anyway."  

- "Really? Nick's dad?" I asked. "I saw him this afternoon, by the way. Why didn’t you tell me he was back?"  

- "Oh, I didn’t want to worry you with that. Did he tell you about his mother?"  

- "Yes," I sighed. "How are things between him and his father?"  

In fact, I had thought a lot about it this afternoon. His father was an alcoholic, which was the main reason his mother filed for divorce. Since he kept the house, I knew he’d gotten sober and even remarried, but I doubt his forced return brought any joy, knowing Nick.  

- "Nick is a good boy," he replied. "He’s struggling with the situation, but he channels his anger in a positive way. He’s rarely home. Actually, he often comes here to help me fix a few things. Or he takes Buzz for a walk."  

- "Yeah, he told me."  

I chuckled, remembering what he had added. Honestly, I think he’s happy to spend time here. It’s like a kind of refuge. I also understand why Buzz loves him so much too.  

- "Will he be with you tonight?" I asked.  

- "No. I think he’s going to his girlfriend’s."  

- "Okay..." I murmured. "Too bad."  

I would have invited him with us if I had known. I think Lucy wouldn’t have minded.  

- "Well, I’m heading out then. Are you sure you don’t want to change your mind?"  

- "Oh, no no. I really meant it when I said you two should enjoy yourselves together."  

- "You’re not a bother if that’s what worries you."  

- "Ona, sweetheart. It’s fine, I promise. Look, I’ve already got the wine to bring to the neighbor’s."  

- "Okay, I won’t insist anymore. You know where to find us if you need anything."  

- "Yes, yes," he laughed.  

I left to join my girlfriend and... Buzz. That dog has completely forgotten about me in favor of my girlfriend. He adores her. Well, she does take him running every morning. He must feel alive again in just a week. Though, not as much after what I just learned.  

- "He didn’t want to come?" my girlfriend asked when she saw me alone.  

- "No. Mister got himself invited by the neighbor," I joked.  

- "Oh. Well, that’s good. At least now you know he still has a social life."  

- "True... when you put it like that," I giggled.  

I spread a blanket on the ground. Lucy set up some kind of tent, or something you could call one. It’s more like a tarp, really, but it’s pretty cool. It shields us from the wind later at night. I smiled as she was already turning sausages over the fire. It’s simply perfect. Plus, the sun was finally setting, giving us a stunning sunset. I really feel like I’m on vacation.  

- "I brought you a sweater if you want," I told her, showing the clothing in my hand.  

- "Thanks."  

She quickly slipped it on over her t-shirt. I didn’t want to grab anything more, even though she was in shorts and flip-flops. She admitted to me that she loved feeling the sand under her feet. As for me, I stole one of her sweatshirts and a pair of bermuda shorts. They’re a bit big, but I feel so comfortable in her clothes. They smell so much like her, it’s delightful.  

- "Come sit," I said, patting the spot next to me after sitting down myself.  

- "Two minutes. Let me finish here first. Hey, check the cooler and get us something to drink."  

I smiled and nodded. To be honest, we bought a bottle of champagne. Who knows why. In any case, I happily popped the cork and poured us two glasses. Meanwhile, Lucy had prepared two plates for us. The evening went on. We talked, we laughed, never losing sight of the waves and the setting sun in front of us. Our legs constantly touched. We rubbed, we caressed each other, until the blanket ended up over our shoulders after we got rid of the plates and empty glasses. If time could stop, I would let it.  

- "Do you... do you think you know everything Feli did to me?"  

My question broke the peaceful silence. I was completely slumped on Lucy, who was supporting both our weights. She didn’t answer right away. The truth is, I need to know. Mapi was right in a way. I can’t hide it from her forever.  

- "I think so, yes," she murmured.  

I turned around at her words to straddle her. I needed to look into her eyes if I was going to tell her. Her hands instinctively rested on my thighs. It’s been a long time since I’ve pulled away from her touch, and it feels good. I feel like I’m coming back to life, able to accept any kind of contact.  

- "You don’t have to tell me, Ona... I’ve understood. You wouldn’t have been so broken otherwise."  

I nodded as a few tears welled up in my eyes. I had never dared to say it out loud. Saying it would mean acknowledging it. Yet here, with her, I just feel at peace.  

- "I-I want her to pay. F-for her violence, her acts, and those r-rapes too. Y-you’re absolutely right. S-she doesn’t deserve to get away with it."  

Lucy nodded, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. With her other hand, she stroked my back, sending shivers down my spine. But my decision was made. I want to take her to court. I’m ready to do it now. I know it’s the last thing I need to do to close this chapter of my life.  

- "It’s going to be hard, you know that, right?"  

I nodded. I felt shaky because I knew many wounds would reopen, but I knew it was the right thing to do. He doesn’t deserve to get away unscathed.  

- "I-I can do it, with you."  

I looked at her pleadingly, but her small smile said it all. She had been waiting for this, for me to free myself from my past. It had been a long time since she wanted to reopen the case my mother had prepared for me back then.  

- "We’ll do it together, I promise you, my love."  

Gently, she laid me down on my back, coming to rest over me. She kissed me tenderly before whispering:  

- "You are the strongest woman I know. I’m so proud of you."  

I let myself be carried away by her soft lips. Everything had changed so much in just a few seconds. Everything became sensual. I clung desperately to her neck as her hand roamed freely over my body. I caught my breath when she started playing with the hem of my bermuda shorts.  

- "Are you kidding?" I whispered, amused.  

I was dying to, after such an emotional moment, but we were out in nature. It wasn’t reasonable.  

- "What? Don’t you like adventure?" she teased between kisses on my neck. "You know I wouldn’t do it in the house."  

- "Someone could see us," I replied, without actually stopping her hand from sliding down.  

The temptation was just too strong.  

- "There’s the tarp," she murmured, still kissing my neck.  

I gasped when she reached my... soaked heart. Yes, that’s the right word.  

- "Dare tell me you don’t want this," she whispered. "Just be discreet this time."  

- "Oh, you’re talking about me?" I managed to say, shivering at her first caresses. "Let’s see who can control themselves better."  

I followed my words by unbuttoning her shorts. I don’t know why, but I have a feeling this night is going to be long... A long night filled with love under a starry sky

[whateverisbeautiful]

I have to piggy back the question that you answered recently. What does Michonne love most about Rick?

Thanks for asking this because I was wanting to address what Michonne loves most about Rick too. Similar to Rick, there’s a long list of things Michonne really loves and respects about her true love, and I think she even got to verbalize some of her favorite things throughout the shows.

From TWD, we know that she loves the sounding board and partner in crime he is, and also that walk. But when trying to assess her favorite qualities of Rick, there are a few major things that I think would be atop the list. And I think both a scene from TWD and a scene from TOWL really support these two unique aspects of Rick that she loves ⬇️💗:

#1: His Resilience, Fight, & Fierce Protection = That He’s A Fighter & Never Gives Up 

I think Rick’s mind got it right when he envisioned Michonne telling him that she fell in love with him because he’s a fighter and he never gives up. Michonne loves that Rick is such a determined protector and that he’s willing to stand on the frontlines and lead not from a place of ego but because he's selfless and genuinely cares to take care of the people he loves. She loves that the fighter he is means that even when his back is against the wall he’ll find a way to do whatever it takes to overcome. Hence why she fell in love with him around the time she saw Rick kill Joe the Claimer to save his son, her, and Daryl.

She recognizes that fight in him as a similar one she has in herself and I think she really appreciates the way she and Rick understand each other on that level. So much can be thrown at Rick and he’ll ultimately choose to be resilient and keep going which is one of Michonne's favorite things about him.

#2: His Warmth, Affection, and Family-Oriented Care = His Good Kind Heart  

As intense and lethal as Rick can be as a fighter, I think one of Michonne’s favorite things about him is that he’s equally warm, affectionate, caring, and family-oriented. And in fact, all his intensity as a fighter is because of how much he genuinely loves his family and just desires a life making enjoyable heartfelt memories with them. From the day she first met him, one of the first things she witnessed about Rick was that he sincerely cared about his people and was warm with them when she saw him reunite with Carol in the prison.

I’ve always felt that Rick’s warmth is part of what makes him such an intriguing protagonist in a zombie apocalypse, and I think Michonne really respects that Rick is unabashed in showing affection, vulnerable emotion, and love to his family. The tender family man in Rick is so visibly loved by Michonne. I think it made her so happy to see that RJ had his dad’s good kind heart because that was always one of her favorite things about Rick.

And the love and affection Rick has for Michonne specifically is often so intensely passionate, but you can always tell that Michonne absolutely loves the way Rick loves. So it can be best summed up as - I think Michonne’s favorite things about Rick is that he’s a resilient fighter and an affectionate carer and best of all he’s able to be strongly both all at once. 

Also, I was thinking about TOWL and how the fighter and family man that Rick is was still in him while he was living dead, but because of the trauma and depression it was distorted. He still was fighting to protect his loved ones just in a way rooted far more in fear than usual so it wasn’t fully like him. And I thought about how Michonne so often would say ‘This isn’t you’ in TOWL Ep 4 and how it must have been especially painful to see Rick not being himself because she fell so deeply in love with the whole of who he is.

She loves who he really is. She understands who he really is. Which is why it never scared her when she saw Rick's more intense layers. It didn’t scare her that he saw things. It didn’t scare her that he could kill a man with his bare teeth. It didn’t scare her when he crashed out and was waving a gun around that gated community. Each time she saw the good in him even amid everything else. She saw him. She got him. And once they reunite she so badly wants him to be him again - not perfect, just him. Because that’s the man she loves. 

And what I love is that we saw Rick and Michonne meet so many men and women throughout their ZA journey but their absolute favorite person that they met is each other. And they truly love each other for all they are. 👌🏽😊

[abi-renirk]

AFTG thoughts that plagued me today as a 5’8” pansexual baddie™️

The only blonde men I’ve ever been attracted to are Andrew and Jeremy and they’re fictional ✨gay✨men. Someone please psychoanalyze that and get back to me.

Neil told lied to Andrew about the Japanese mafia being after him and homeboy didn’t give a single f*ck. Every time Neil would get flighty and panic about “them” (his father) catching up to him, Andrew would straight up call Neil dramatic and be like, “Don’t worry, I got this under control”. Like, Neil fully had every reason to be worried and panicked but his boyfriend just said, “No”. Love Andrew’s energy tho, wish I could also not worry about my problems.

How long has it taken y’all to “move on” from AFTG and Andreil and The Foxes??? It’s been MONTHS since I found the series and my life literally revolves around the small Exy team of misfits from Palmetto, South Carolina. I haven’t been able to read any other books since I read AFTG. I’ve spent damn near every free minute I’ve had on Tumblr and Ao3 reading fanfiction just to have more content of my favorite gay mafia boys. It feels like I’ll never have enough content of these fictional characters. I legit was almost in tears the other day because I was having a not so great day and I just wanted to be at Fox Tower in the dorms with The Foxes because they bring me comfort. I don’t want to “move on” and forget about all the thoughts, emotions, and happiness this book series has gifted me, but, fuck, all I think about is fictional characters and the Japanese mafia and a made-up sport.

***Trigger Warning*** Mention of Suicide/Suicidal Thoughts. Please read at your own discretion and take care of yourself💗💗💗

We know that Andrew made deals with Aaron/Nicky, Kevin, Neil, etc. to keep them close (Andrew’s justifiable fear of abandonment) and, in a way, control the relationship he has with them (keeping them at an arms length and not letting them get close enough to witness his thoughts and feelings). But I also think these deals/promises were a way to keep himself alive. I’m gonna get a bit vulnerable here so please be gentle with me. I struggle to live for myself. I would have left this earth a long time ago if it weren’t for my family and friends. (I’m in a good place, so no worries!!!) Relating to Andrew in so many ways made me think he probably feels a similar way about his own life. He probably needed a reason to stay and his loyalty to the people he cares about and the promises he made them would have kept him alive. When Aaron asked to break their deal I know my small baby boy Andrew was panicking because he was afraid to lose his brother and one of the few reasons to stay alive when they are so many more reasons not to. Andrew doesn’t show his feelings in a ‘typical’ way, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. That short, buff man has a lot of feelings and cares a lot, it’s just in a different way and only his 5’3” redheaded mafia runaway boyfriend can tell.

I fucking love Andrew so much it physically hurts. I would go to war for him to find his happiness with Neil and the rest of The Foxes.

~ love and unmedicated rambles from your Queer Queen 👑💖