#by bored i mean the normal real reality of my future is so scary to me that the literal apocalypse feels like a better option

[bumpscosity]

can weirdmageddon start already i'm getting bored here

[otterbagel]

The Reunion (Part 2) Simon x Reader

Reader makes a rash decision, one that has long lasting consequences.

(Notes: Link to part 1! Hope you enjoy the rest of the story. :) )

The air in the building was tense as you stood in the elevator, watching the numbers slowly rise.

   The police had mostly left by now, all that remained were a few cleanup crews who were, for the most part, still here just to avoid going to their next assignment. Not that you blamed them; this had been quite a scary day.

   Since you weren't in charge of anything big, you hadn't even known anything was going on until the broadcast had nearly finished. You had been… what had you been doing? Vetting some stories you had found to be a bit too mundane for publication. Even though the strange interference had originated from a few floors above you, it took a panicked employee yelling at the TV for you to notice.

   There wasn't much anyone could do; police and security had already been notified. Just watching the skinless android on screen was the most productive thing your team could possibly do.

   And watch they did. A few were visibly jittery, talking about barricading the doors just in case they decided to come down here— although the thought of an android group demanding an entertainment piece be written about their exploits almost got a chuckle out of you— others were more frustrated and annoyed. Older employees trying to figure out how the topmost office was sieged so quietly, annoyed that they might have to stay late, even discussions about who sent the androids.

   Through it all you had remained calm, trying to lead the group as best you could through the confusion.

   The elevator dinged.

   But despite how you tried to compose yourself, you couldn't help but feel a sense of fear… and a deep longing.

    You stepped out, the hallway devoid of any life. The usual guards up here had been knocked out and were probably taking a very long vacation.

   At the very end of the hallway, right before the broadcasting room, stood a couple of human guards; you doubted they would risk using any androids up here for the foreseeable future.

   With the hallway as empty as it was, the guards immediately took notice of you.

   "Hey, what's your business up here?" One asked in a gruff voice.

   You held up your keycard, a passive way of showing your status. "I wanted to get a better look at the room," you pulled out your cellphone, gently shaking it in the air in an attention attracting manner. "Wanted to get some photos too— we don't have any good ones to use for our article on it."

   He appeared to ponder it for a moment before stepping aside, his partner following suit. He gave a nod.

   With a quick stride you entered the room.

   It appeared to have been deep cleaned, no trace of what had occurred. Some furniture had been moved aside, likely for cleaning. 

   Angling some of the less disturbed areas into the view of your phone's camera, you snapped a few quick pictures through the thickness of your throat.

   It felt eerie to be standing here.

   That android had been standing in nearly this exact location just hours ago, demanding rights and freedoms… that sort of talk would have him destroyed.

   And yet… you completely agreed with him.

   Your hands tensed on your phone as you looked to the floor.

   Why couldn't this have happened two years earlier?

   Why couldn't it have happened before that day?

   

   ...It didn't matter. He was far away, and safe from this sort of persecution. Maybe in Canada where no android laws existed… or maybe he was still in the States, just in a rural place and pretending to be human. 

   At least, that's what you told yourself to help you sleep at night.

   You shook the thought away. There was no use thinking about him now. 

   Bringing yourself back to reality, you took a cursory glance around the room. You didn't get to come up here very often, maybe once or twice in the year you had been writing for them.

   With the TV screen off, it was oddly empty looking in here.

   There seemed to be a couple of points of interest: a darkened break room and a stairway to the roof.

   Wasn't the roof where the deviants jumped?

   That would be an interesting photo. You doubted there were many before the incident.

   You climbed the dark stairs, taking in a deep, cold breath before you opened the outside door. 

   Chills ran down your hand and up your arm before you even had the door fully open.

   You let the door shut behind you, as you crossed your arms to ward off the cold. Being this high up made the wind much rougher than you were used to.

   The edge of the building was daunting. You hesitated to even approach it, lest a stray gust of wind send you sailing over. Without those parachutes, the intruders would've never made it back down in one piece.

   The wind was a bit much. You took a few quick pictures before stepping closer to some of the walls. At least it would give some sort of protection.

   There was a loud clanging noise nearby that made your phone fall out of your hands.

   After you got over your moment of frozen alarment, you kneeled down to scoop up your phone, eyes wide and looking for the source.

   Had that been the wind? Wouldn't you have heard it earlier if it was something that continuous and natural?

   You crept around the large, metal ducts. Had to be from one of those.

   There was an entrance to one of the metal compartments. That seemed to be the only place left for anyone to hide.

   A worried thought crossed your mind: had someone been stuck up here during the panic?

   Heading towards the door at a more brave pace, you stood a foot near the entrance with your hand reached for the handle. You paused, your more cautious nature pulling your hand away ever so slightly.

   "H-hello?" You questioned quietly towards the door.

   Silence.

   You exhaled a tense breath, your hand making its way to the metallic door.

   You knocked against it.

   A loud fumbling noise from inside and the clicking of a gun sent you stumbling backwards and into a panic. This had to be a deviant, somehow left behind in the chaos.

   "You don't wanna shoot me," your voice was higher pitched than usual as you fought against the wind and deep seated terror for breath. "The shots will be really loud. People will hear."

   

   "Just," the android's voice was hard to make out, the echo in the compartment distorting his words. "Just go away. Leave me alone. I just want to be left alone."

   After an extra second to make out what he said, you rose to a crawl and sat beside the door. "Why are you still up here?" You questioned. He didn't seem hostile.

   He was quiet for a while. "I was injured," he explained. "I couldn't make the jump. I wanted to see if I could get back down tonight."

   You nodded to yourself in understanding. "So… you're a part of that group of deviants? Are there a lot of them?"

   Things went uncomfortably quiet until he spoke up again. "...why would you like to know?"

   You licked your lips, struggling to verbalize the thoughts you had had bouncing around in your head for two years. "I… was friends with an android," you began wistfully and with a small chuckle. "I was wondering if he was okay, that's all."

   The android went quiet again, the sound of what seemed to be him shuffling around inside to get more comfortable filling the silence. 

   "I… well I find it hard to believe," he remarked softly. "A lot of humans are very cruel… few seem to care about what happens to us."

   He was right. It seemed that nobody cared about androids or bonded with them the way you had Simon. You couldn't understand the cruelty they could have towards androids if they did.

   You placed a hand to your chest. "I know that humans are normally cruel," you began. "B-but I honestly cared about him so much. I would've given anything for us to be together. I swear it."

   You stared at the ground while the android thought to himself.

   "I was lucky," the deviant began. "The human I knew was very kind. I had been discarded over and over… and reset every time. I wasn't as useful as other androids."

   You let your head rest against the metal as you listened. 

   "Then… they bought me. I knew I had been reset a lot… and expected they would do it too after they got bored of me…" his voice trailed until it was interrupted by a halfhearted laugh. "But they didn't. They treated me like a person. They… respected me. I felt like I might have had a future with them. A future where I wasn't just an object or a maid, but someone who brought meaning into the world."

   You let his story hang in the air while you thought of your own tale. You could only hope you had made Simon feel the same way.

   "When I… bought him," you felt gross saying it. "I didn't know much about androids. But after spending time with him, I knew he was so much more than what everyone tried to tell me. Just how… how beautiful of a person he was. He had to be more than that. I was excited to see him when I got home, to tell him about my day and to hear about his. He meant everything to me."

   The android's tone was calm. "It sounds like you loved him."

   You smiled to yourself, rubbing your hands together to warm them. "I still do," you responded, before the torrent of regrets washed over you like an unforgiving wave.

   It had been such a dumb mistake. But even the simplest slip-ups can destroy lives.

   You collapsed into sorrowful laughter, covering your face with a tense hand as you tried to hold back your overflowing emotions. "It was so stupid!" You exclaimed, lost in your own thoughts. "I… he needed repairs— his previous people were horrible… if I ever…"

   You shook away the thought to get back on track.

   "He… he needed skin repairs, so I thought it would be okay to go to a Cyberlife repair shop. But I didn't even think about whether they would check who his real 'owners' were," you spat. "When they found out how we had met, they were going to take him away. He had no choice but to run away. We were out of options."

   The android was quiet, but you were too emotional to pay much attention.

   "It was just one mistake! If I had just gone anywhere else… we could still be together." Your sorrow was brief before passion returned to your heart, directing your attention back to the metal door that was separating you and the android. "You have more androids with you, right? You don't have to tell me anything else, I just want to know if he's okay. His name is Simon. Have you met him? Please, tell me you have!"

   Loud, metallic fumbling came from the other side of the door before it flung open. You scuttled backwards in alarm.

   The blonde android nearly collapsed out of the doorway, his arm sliding off the door and onto the ground as held himself up to get a better look at you.

   It was him.

   He appeared troubled, but was fighting off a smile. "How… what are you doing here?" He whispered.

   "S… Si…" you stuttered, unable to get out his name in case it separated you two again.

   You snatched him up into your arms, enveloping him in a tight hug. He fumbled to return the gesture, letting his head rest on one of your shoulders.

   "I… I can't believe it," you sobbed. "It's you! You're here! You're actually h-here!"

   His hands gripped your clothing as if he was worried you would slip away. "But how are you here?" he asked, his voice shaking.

   "I work here now," you choked out through a laugh. "What are the odds?"

   "I can't believe this!" Simon fell into a bout of laughter himself. "I get to see you again!"

   You knew that whatever lied ahead for the androids and humanity, nothing would separate you two again.

[kaypeace21]

DID theory part 3: St novels/comics/spotify list analyses

*read part 2  of DID theory-first! You’ll be lost otherwise, seriously XD. First, I’ll say -I find the ST comics/ books as canon as the st movie inspirations . I don’t consider the books/comics ‘literal canon’ (cause they contradict the show ( like Max and billy meeting a year before s2  in runaway max - but meeting as little kids in s3,  or El’s age being wrong in suspicious minds, in the d&D comic Will’s friends instead of him /Jonathan building castle byers, etc) . 

So I think we shouldn’t take it  literally - but more like the st movie lists - filled with foreshadowing/symbolism and other eastereggs (That the Duffers may have told them to add). So here’s some more (possible) alter / DID hints...

‘Suspicious minds’ novel

- Brenner  equates k*lling rabbits to h*rting kids. And he’ll hurt (kid) Kali (the bunny in the analogy) if Terry tries running away from him . I wonder if Lonnie used a similar threat against jonathan? Jon could be giving only a partial truth to why he cried for a week (about the bunny story)?

-Kali “hops” like a bunny then talks about tigers obsessively (linking her to rabbits/tigers similar to the other alters/Will/Lonnie). Terry also imagines tigers and kali says to Alice they can all be tigers together.

- one of the only male psychic experiments (who can see the future) is gay

- Terry is into lord of the rings, like Will. Has her and her boyfriend dress as sam & frodo (m/m ship). Terry calls her and her friends “the fellowship”.

-when Terry/Alice were injected with d**gs -they hallucinated rainbows.yikes.

- Alice (like Lonnie) is a car mechanic. She can see the future like Will the wise and says “monsters of course my mind has them as long as they stayed in there, everything would be alright? Wouldn’t it?” (in her visions she saw the demogorgan).

 (completed) graphic ST novels (by Jody Hozer) so far  (+ other st comics).

*Jody Hozer writes all the graphic novels (every novel is 4 chapters each) - the will byers comic, number 6 comic , into the fire comic, and at the moment she’s writing the d&d series and the summer camp series (which isn’t done yet). Then there’s the occasional 1 chapter st comics not written by her.

- Number 6 has (the ability to foresee the future like Will the wise/Alice) and has an ab*sive dad. 

When having a nightmare of the demogorgan ...she says as she wakes up “screw you dad” (another hint the demogrgan -aka in d&d means ‘deep father’ ...is Lonnie).

- when number 6 and others run they say they’re’ “rabbiting”(which yes technically makes sense but I found such an uncommon phrase odd.)

- The (summer camp and d&d graphic novels aren’t completed yet) but they establish d&d creatures are based off  real life people the boys don’t like in real life. Or that d&d is used as an outlet to explain true events from their pasts -but they just give the true stories a d&d fantasy slant.

- Which brings me to the halloween oneshot(not by Hozer),taking place before s1. Will tells a scary story told to him by Jonathan, and originally told to him by Lonnie. Says the boys have to keep it a secret cause it was something he was never supposed to tell to anyone. Mike says he has to finish the story he started. It’s about a “ch*lld-eater” monster first attacking a boy near the quarry (like where Will was found) and  attacking kids in a library (where Will was also found in s1).When the child sees the sheriff she bangs on the library door begging for help-he ignores her , walks away, and tells the other cops to never speak of what they saw as she screams for help. Because the previous sheriff was in kahoots with the monster. It def had some ... uh questionable imagery too 0_0

The vine in the mouth is also like the one in Will’s mouth (when Joyce found him in the library).And of course Dustin asks whether or not something like that could be covered up.

- In the “bully  comic” (about troy) also not by Jody. We focus on Troy and his ab*sive dad (who encourages him to fight/ditch his best friend). The dad has a drinking problem (gets fired), calls Troy a “mess” , pushes him, and constantly encourages Troy to be vi*lent/macho. He pretty much tries sabotaging the relationship Troy has with his friend (which I could see Lonnie doing in the future with byler).The dad/troy is framed similarly to when Billy gives Max a ride home-  after both ab*sers give bad advice saying not to hang out with their friend (after witnessing them fight in the school parking lot). Dad also laughs about almost k*lling a squirrel (a trait we see troy mimic)- and we see El feel guilty about k*lling a squirrel in s2. At the end of the comic- Troy (like Will) after making up with his bff james- moves leaving his best friend behind.

-  (into the fire) Twins: (one was normal with no powers living in the real world and the twin with fire powers is trapped in a dark sunless “cold” world styled like a psych facility/medieval fantasy) . pics in link.She hated her reflection cause it reminded her of being betrayed by her normal non powered twin who left her behind in the ‘cold’ place. She’d call herself a ‘hunter’ who would defend herself and attack others to never be hurt again. Her powers being unleashed were described like opening “a door.” And she loves her twin deep down and just wants friends . And fire twin goes to the “other side” to reunite with her reflection and find happiness in the real world. *also there’s sunflower/bunny symbols which she lights on fire-which can relate back to Will/Terry/Lonnie etc. The twins = Will & Will the wise (mf)

Mirrors also connect to Will and Will the wise via the canon spotify playlists too.

Will playlist (song: mirror in the bathroom)-Mirror in the bathroom Please talk free.The door is locked -Just you and me.Mirror in the bathroom recompense for all my crimes of self defense.Cures you whisper make no sense!Drift gently into Mental illness.

Demogorgan playlist ( from perspective of Will the wise aka the mf) (song: are you dead yet? )-”polluted soul through a mirror I behold.Throw a punch, shards bleed on the floor. tearing me apart. but I don't care anymore.Should I regret or ask myself are you dead yet?Wake up, don't cry. Regenerate to deny the truth. The fiction you live in blindfolds your eyes. Disclosure, self loathing, this time you've gone too far.Or could it be, my nemesis, that you are me?

(*st ‘into the fire’ comic. the fire powered twin’s thoughts echo the song)

*I think this foreshadows the later plot points of mf (will the wise ) and Will interacting via mirrors. The fire-wielding twin and the non powered twin had a lot of mirror imagery. Including the fire powered twin (Who denies reality/and imagines herself in a fantasy world) punching her reflection because it reminds her of her non-powered twin. Here’s some cover art from the novels showing how much they emphasize mirrors.

*And in s4 movies Black swan - “the black and white swan twins (two halves of the same person-Nina)” had creepy mirror imagery. In long kiss goodnight the women with DID talks to her “ (supposed)dark 1/2″  via a mirror (in a dream).  in ‘the visit’ the teen girl who’s dad abandoned her when young-  refuses to look in the mirror (and it’s never explained why she hates her reflection). So yes I think we’ll see this in s4 or 5. We already see the mf take on the appearance of Billy when talking to him.

- Will in “zombie boy” comic is afraid he’s a monster.

also lets appreciate the lil byler moment of Mike and Will being the only zombies and mike comforting him. honestly , though, the characters were pretty out of character for most of this 1 ch comic (until the end) tbh.

- in the “d&d comic” mf is  (possibly) described as a “protector” (aka like how i said the mf is probably a perpetrator alter- which are misguided protectors).

*update now that it’s finished... hinting Will created everything subconsciously.

‘Runaway Max’ novel (before s3)

(I didn’t get time to read this book unlike ‘suspicious minds’ -so can’t show screen shots of everything others talked about. May read it eventually)

-Max compares Billy  to ‘her monster’ and a ‘shadow’ that will attack anyone that comes close (mf parallel).

- Dart k*lled a cat,  El’s papa tried to force her to k*ll a cat. And Billy when seeing a d*ad cat lights it on fire for a “viking funeral”. A connection to WW (who has fire powers) and El & dart.

-Max and Billy both are into cars and bond over fixing them (similar to Lonnie’s interest in fixing up cars). And since Lonnie tried to brag to Jonathan about fixing a car up and Will is into tech it wouldn’t be a stretch that Lonnie and Will were into fixing cars together (like Max/billy who would hang out at a autoshop in Cali) .  Similar to Will ,max says hanging with Billy wasn’t always so bad- which made things more confusing to her.

- Max compares Billy being beat up by Neil: to ‘punching a pocket of a baseball glove’. This is interesting since this book was pre-s3 which was when they established the connection of billy and his dad to baseball (similar to s1 saying  Lonnie taught Will baseball).

-Billy’s friend is a nice ‘music snob’ . He tries distracting Max with music while Billy is burning the cat. Which reminds me of Jonathan trying to distract Will from their parents fighting in the next room-with music

- Max’s bio dad is a criminal who takes her to shady bars, and Max fears he’d ‘get bored of her’. Max also ran away from her mom to her dad’s 2x.Which reminds me of Jonathan thinking Will ran to Lonnie’s in s1.

-Max mentions how Billy misses his friends after moving out of Cali. And he starts acting even worse-after the move. Which will probably be the case for Will (at least a bit) when moving to California.

-Billy tells Max Neil isn’t his ‘real dad’ either because Neil can’t be a father to anyone.

-Billy also tells Max who (at the time ) is 12 years old not to act “easy” and breaks her best friend’s (Nate’s) arm over  someone joking he was Max’s boyfriend and also cause Nate tried to get in between Billy bullying Max. Eventually all her Cali friends ditch her cause they’re afraid of Billy.And Ugh- why could I see Lonnie doing something like this in the future with Will/his new friends. 

- Creepily Max says Billy doesn’t fool around with her like other girls not because of her age or being family. But cause she wasn’t ‘attractive’. This whole excerpt gave me the heeby jeebies,on so many levels, honestly.  Almost like he’s jealous- and controlling her cause he doesn’t want Max to have any love interests. Maybe i’m just missing the context? But ugh... excerpt:

Will byers secret Files

-Hopper gets scared by a pumpkin-scarecrow. And in Will’s canon journal when talking about the mindflayer and his nightmares draws the same scare-crow , Hopper saw. There’s also a lot of s4-5 foreshadowing in the book... but that’s a post for another day.

Darkness on the edge of town (Hopper novel)

*didn’t get time to read this (except the preview)

 I think it’s more foreshadowing for future seasons though- cult/supposed ritual k*llings, people being wrongly blamed for those crimes-like the hellfire club , most likely.  (similar to the guy number 3 in the number 6 comic)  saint john in the novel also has the same brain control powers as 3- similar to the mf. .” When a blackout plunges the boroughs into chaos, Hopper must escape the the mobs in the streets to make sure his family is safe and stop Saint John from fulfilling his prophecy.” I already talked about here- how the next few seasons would start having more religious symbolism/a future apocalypse (based on what we’ve seen in the show/s4 movies). Although, i think there’s quite a few differences between (the novel’s) saint john and Will the wise. Hopper is also a star wars nerd like the boys (alter hint)

Canon spotify songs (posted after s2/before s3) hinting at DID/ alter /lonnie stuff-

Will  and Will the wise (aka the mf) being an alter

*Used Will and the demogorgan playlist (which i think has perspectives of Will the wise aka the mf, demogorgan, and Lonnie).

Besides the mirror songs previously mentioned...

Will (cold inside)-Doctor the problem's in my chest.My heart feels cold as ice but it's anybody's guess?Doctor can you help me cause I don't feel right?Better make it fast before I change my mind. Doctor can you help me cause I don't feel right?Better make it fast before I change my mindWell it's cold, cold, cold, cold inside. Darker in the day than the dead of night Cold, cold, cold, cold inside...Counselor give me some advice Tell me how hard will I fall if I live a double life?

El (ghost)-your ghost, the ghost of you.It keeps me awake.My friends had you figured out.Yeah they saw what's inside of you. You tried hiding another you.But your evil was coming through... living in the shade Your cold heart makes my spirit shake.

El (monster Lead me home)-I don't know what, what I was afraid of, I was afraid oooof...Monster take me somewhere...We walk in shadow.Monster lead me home.Where there is no place to hide.Stranger on the other side We walk in shadow.Monster lead me home.

 The’ innerworld’/  other hints Max, El, Hopper, and Billy are alters of Will’s

Max (Logical song)-I know it sounds absurd. Please tell me who I am, who I am, who I am, who I am?

EL(Buzzcut season)-I remember when your head caught flame It kissed your scalp and caressed your brain ...nothing's wrong when nothing's true. I live in a hologram with you Where all the things that we do for fun . Play along (make-believe it's hyper real) But I live in a hologram with you.

Billy (broken bones)-Broken bones.Stay alone. If I see only what I believe -reality's bound by what I conceive

Max (Why can’t i touch it)-Well, it seems so real.I can see it.And it seems so real-I can feel it.And it seems so real-I can taste it.And it seems so real-I can hear it.So why can't I touch it?

Hopper (breakers)-Just to keep me from losing my mind .It's so easy to drown in the dream.Oh, and everything is not what it seems This life is but a dream.Shatter illusions that hold your spirit down ...From the inside, so it seems.Oh, I'm telling you it's all a dream It's all a dream It's all a dream It's all a dream It's all a It's all a dream.”

Max (comfortably numb)-When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse out of the corner of my eye.I turned to look but it was gone.I cannot put my finger on it now.The child is grown.The dream is gone.I have become comfortably numb.

Max (Kids aren’t alright)-Still it's hard Hard to see Fragile lives, shattered dreams...What the hell is going on? The cruelest dream, reality.

El(team)-Livin' in ruins of a palace within my dreams. And you know we're on each other's team

Hopper (denial twist) ( just change ‘she’ to ‘he’)-Just because she makes you feel wrong she don't mean to be mean or hurt you on purpose, boy!Take a tip and do yourself a little service...by playing a different role Ya, by playing a different role, oh.The boat ya you know she's rockin' it.And the truth well ya know there's no stoppin' it.So what, somebody left you in a rut and wants to be the one who's in control.But the feeling that you're under can really make you wonder.How the hell she can be so cold?So now you're mad, denying the truth.And it's getting in the wisdom in the back of your tooth

El (the story)-You see the smile that's on my mouth.It's hiding the words that don't come out.And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed.They don't know my head is a mess.No they don't know who I really am.And they don't know what I've been through

El (hero) ( pretty much alludes to El being a construct of Will’s mind similar to his juju zombies in the d&d story he wrote )-Who knows what you'll find when you look inside (billy’s mind)?Haunted beach (billy flashback), roll the dice.The zombies in the corner aren't amused (d&d ref).Play the part of the blushing bride...Out of view, cloaked by night...My spirit dims, but I feel the force"No longer in my hands,"  (loses powers) .I say to you .I could've been a hero, I could've been a zero.Could've been all these thingsI could've been nothing, I could've had something.Could've been all these things.And if I am unable, tell him that I'll try but underneath the table will spin the wheel and hope for gold. Oh, and where it stops, nobody knows.

Max (it’s real)-I don't know who's behind the wheel.Sometimes I feel like I don't know The deal.But when I tell you how I feel-Believe me when I say It's real.I skated on a frozen Sea.It's real as far as I Can see?

Max (Halloween)-Because your role is planned for you there's nothing you can do.

El (White rabbit... alice and wonderland/lonnie ref)-And if you go chasing rabbits, and you know you're going to fall...When logic and proportion have fallen sloppy dead.

demogrogan(Dimensions of horror)-Gaze upon the ancient face you dread (lonnie)... Passing through the doors, into Dimensions Of Horror. Haunting visions from the past, rise once more.Realms of darkness, terror, death and gore.Scream in fear, your sanity is lost

demogorgan (SCHORCHED)-Terrorizing madness. Vivid dreams. internal. Hallucinating the unknown. Abstract entities prey.Through superhuman abilities.Fragments of memory erased.

demogrogan (Calling from a dream)-the shadow king...seven spirits (7 ref) Swarming around his head.Close your eyes.Listen to my call. Our bond will bring us together again.I will wait for you. For our hearts still beat as one.Listen to my calling from a dream. (integration?)

 Maybe a coincidence or a hint at Will having both male &female alters?Billy (dude looks like a lady)- What a funky lady...Oh, he was a lady.Dude looks like a lady. Hopper (turn the page)-All the same old cliches,"Is that a woman or a man?" Max ( rebel rebel) (this was on her her pre s3 spotify list + post s3 “wrapped list”)- you got your mother in a whirl, doesn’t know if you’re a boy or girl? 

 SHIT DAD/ AB*SIVE FAMILY

*trigger w*rning ahead for dark themes like s**ual ab*se

demogorgan (my children)My children I never loved them.Why feel that way when their existence is my business?My children...feral vessals of my selfinterest...So don't lean on me man 'Cause I ain't got nothing to give.Don't lean on me man 'Cause I ain't got nothing to give.My children they're right behind you My children they're gonna beat you.My children if you let them Oh, oh, my children.

demogorgan (black dahlia-window):  I’m not quoting the lyrics you can just look it up.  it’s messed up.Based on the 1st person pov of Gilles de Rais -k**ler and p*d*rest who also kidnapped a cleric.

Will (creature comfort)-Some boys hate themselves.Spend their lives resenting their fathers... hate their bodies .Stand in the mirror (another mirror ref) and wait for the feedback.Some boys get too much, too much love, too much touch.

Jonathan’s Playlist- We’re happy family: “Eating refried beans (poverty). Gulpin’ down Thorazines (pills for a mood disorder). We ain’t got no friends (s2 ref). Our troubles never end. Daddy likes men. Daddy’s telling LIES.”

Jonathan’s playlist-Enter sandman: “Don’t forget my son. Sleep with one eye open. Gripping your pillow tight, Exit light, Enter night. Take my hand, we’re off to never-never land. Something’s wrong, shut the light, heavy thoughts tonight. Dreams of LIARS and of things that will bite, yeah. Hush little baby don’t say a word, and never mind that noise you heard. It’s just the beasts under your bed, in your closet in your head.”

Jonathan (The killing moon-guy sings this)-So soon you'll take me up in your arms. Too late to beg you or cancel it. Against your will!He will wait until you give yourself to him...In starlit nights I saw you.So cruelly you kissed me... unwillingly mine.

jonathan (haunted)-You and I both know that the house is haunted And you and I both know that the ghost is me. You used to catch me in your bed-sheets just a-rattling your chains.Well back then , it didn't seem so strange...In the midnight hour..I was busy trying to charm that snake. When the sun came up we had no place to hide...You and I both know that the house is haunted  yeah you and I both know that the ghost is YOU! You used to walk around screaming, all slamming all 'dem doors Well I'm all grown up now and I don't scare easy no more But you and I both know.

Hopper (Confession)-Now I'm on the low Confession, to a virgin ghost Admission, force you know.

hopper (Tomorrow ) Yeah, and back when s*x and amph*tamines were the staples of our childhood physique.

Max (Last caress)-I got something to say.I k**led your baby today.And it doesn't matter much to me.As long as it's de*d.Well I got something to say.I r*ped your mother today.And it doesn't matter much to me.As long as she spread. (Lonnie pov? Neil?messed up song to be on Max’s list)

hopper House of the rising sun- And my father was a gamblin' man Way down in New Orleans... And the only time he's satisfied Is when he's on a drunk

Max Poor relations-An attitude, no patience, he's paper thin.Talking over everything you have to say...Don't correct the things he said, what's the use?Can't handle violence.Can't handle violence.Learning to love the abuse you can't live without.Your familiar oppression, your daily injustice...That loser man that belongs to you, he's ruling you.

el (sweet dreams are made of this)- Some of them want to use you ...Some of them want to ab*se you.Sweet dreams are made of this...Hold your head up.Keep your head up, movin' on.

Max (Alternative ulster)-They say they're a part of you.And that's not true, you know.They say they've got control of you.And that's a lie, you know.They say you will never Be free, free, free

max In bloom-”Sometimes at night I let it get to me.And last night it had me down and feeling NUMB...And thinking back upon those days Way way back when I was young.I was such a little shit.Cos I was always on the run.Well you know just what they say-Just like father then like son.Don't delude me with your sympathy.Cos I can do this on my own.And this will be the last time-That I break down and wanna crawl to bed. “(since Billy has a playlist I found this song choice being on hers instead of his interesting- in fact almost all of Max’s songs are from the 1st person perspective of a boy unlike the other gals.)

Max (comfortably numb)-The child is grown.The dream is gone.I have become comfortably NUMB.

hopper (numb)-Honey, here I go again Down that crooked road of sin.My momma locked me out again And hung me high to rust under the rain I am NUMB( 8x)....Little bluebird at my window Sing a pretty song for me Don't you know that you can fly, fly, fly away Don't you know that you can leave I am numb.

other psych songs

Hopper (life of sin)-Every morning when I rise I look in the mirror (another mirror ref) and despise the sight of everything and all that I've become. The level of my medicating some might find intimidating But that's alright cause' it don't bother me none.

 Max (Moon over marin)- “Dive in my scalding wooden tub (connects to mf/el)...There, wasn't that a nice visit?Don't forget, a psychiatrist is on duty twenty-four hours a day in the blue room...Drink plenty of water when you take these.Now you can relax.” ( I wonder if stranger writers saying to “drink plenty of water” is secretly a line said by a psych person in s4?)

Max (Feeling ok)-My doctor says that I should take it -At least I won't have to keep faking.I know, someday I'll find it-Where I, I least expect it.Today I know I feel ok.

Max ( Going gets tough)-.No home since the fire.Me and the ash can't settle down...So I sink another round-Placebo for pain.And there's no one for to blame . I refuse to accept-That my work is all in vain...Still always remembering .When the going gets tough .That the labor of our love-Will reward us soon enough.

 Max (Comfortably numb)-Hello? (Hello? Hello? Hello?)Is there anybody in there?Just nod if you can hear me.Is there anyone home?Come on now-I hear you're feeling down.Well I can ease your pain .Get you on your feet again.Relax // Now I've got that feeling once again.I can't explain . you would not understand.This is not how I am. I have become comfortably numb.I have become comfortably numb //Okay (okay, okay, okay)Just a little pinprick.There'll be no more, ah .But you may feel a little sick.Can you stand up?I do believe it's working, good.That'll keep you going through the show.Come on it's time to go// Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.

Explanations of Why the mf  (WIll the wise)behaves the way he does

demogorgan (ww) (Cowards starved)- friends think of me as a priest.I had to show them that the weakest hands Can still make impressive fires. (aka MF = will the wise)

demogorgan (ww) (Unmerciful):I will be reborn...Tranquil demeanor.Now devoured.Surfacing malice...I can't reconcile the torment others bring unto me.I will not take any reproach.Turning the other cheek.Relentless hatred consumes.Control released.Absolved of all compassion.I am free .Look into my hate filled eyes and tell me What do you see?Surging aura of my rage Paralyzing you in fear.

Demogorgan (ww) (bodies-Beaten why for (why for)?Can't take much more.(Here we go, here we go, here we go).One, nothing wrong with me,Two, nothing wrong with me.Three, nothing wrong with me.Four, nothing wrong with me.One, something's got to give.Two, something's got to give.Three, something's got to give now...You're all by yourself but you're not alone...Driven by hate consumed by fear.

demogrgan (ww)-Orbs used as transmitters carry electromagnetic beams from above (affecting magnetic fields in the show).Silence, manipulated, tortured ...How immune is your system of suffering?Its in the blood of suffering (familial ref).Its in the blood.

 Demogrgan (Monster)-I shoot the lights out..Whoa, just another lonely night...None of who you get it, ain't nobody cold as this.A zombie (will ref) with no conscience .Everybody knows I'm a motherfucking monster. Everybody wanna know what my Achilles' heel is? Love I don't get enough of it.

[hallowed-be-thy-username]

Hi! Can i just say that i absolutely love your writing and your vibe as a whole? 🥺💞 If i may, I’d like to request a fic where the reader is a very well known socialite, but she gets very bored of her life and wants something different. She suddenly meets J in some sort of situation and becomes infatuated with him & his lifestyle. You must be busy with other requests & your personal life, so if anything, i just want you to know that i love your writing! 💘

 Sweet anon!!! AKADJSBAJSND 😭💖 I’m SO sorry this has taken me so long to get to and I hope you see it!! This was a really fun one and I had a great time writing it so I really hope you like it 💕

 Self-insert, Ledger Joker x fem reader, first time meeting Joker

Word count: 1,954

Warnings: tension, light violence

Something Different

Another boring party with boring people in a boring place. How many more of these must you endure?

Ah the fabulous life of the daughter of Dr. Thomas Elliot, famous Gotham City surgeon and longtime family friend of the Wayne family. Being born to one of Gotham’s founding families, she lives a life of luxury. Chauffeurs, butlers, ritzy charity events, fashion shows, brand promos, intense boredom. You were certainly grateful for the fact that finances were never something you had to worry about, but at the same time, money imprisoned you. It controlled your every move like a puppet master. Stand like this, wear that, speak this way, don’t forget to smile. And don’t even think about having your own dreams. You had access to all of the means in the world to do whatever you want, right? Wrong. If it’ll tarnish the family reputation on any way, its not gonna happen. Ever. And you’d be surprised at what they consider “tarnishing.” Learning to drive, going to school, coloring your hair, going on dates, having a job, getting ice cream with friends. What friends? You never got to experience these things. Things that were normal. Now you were in your late twenties and the life of the average young adult was completely foreign to you. Its been ten years now. Since you started to hate this life.

You were attending yet another fundraiser at Bruce’s place. What was it for this time? Friends of the Gotham Railway? Society for the Performing Arts? Gotham Heights Country Club’s new golf course? District Attorney Harvey Dent. Didn’t he just get elected? Okay then. It really doesn’t matter anyway. They’re all the same. Gourmet hors d’oeuvres, expensive champagne, some phony inspirational speech, bland conversation, smile through how much your feet hurt in these heels, send a check tomorrow. The predictability you lived your life by was astonishing. When were you finally going to get to do something different?

You lifted another glass of champagne from the tray drifting past you and took a heavy sip. Can’t get to drunk though, what would the media say? You were tempted to do it on purpose, just to mix things up for once. The sound of rough whirring broke you out of your melancholic trance and you turned to see a helicopter landing on the roof top balcony outside. The man himself arriving ever so fashionably late. Linking arms with three women you could only assume to be models, how classy. And here comes the motivational speech. I believe in Harvey Dent, a safer Gotham, optimism, face of our bright future, blah blah blah. Now everybody claps. Just wonderful. Back to our mindless mingling.

The evening continued on like they all do. This time you were stuck trying not to stare at the speck of food stuck in Mr. Kane’s teeth while he droned on about the new hotel, they planned to open it across from the opera house. Would it be uncouth to express to him how little you care about any of that? When you were seconds away from excusing yourself for a bogus trip to the ladies’ room, a loud boom rang out from the entryway. You spun around and your body froze at the sound of his voice.

“Goood evening, ladies and gentle-men.”

It felt like ice was running through your veins when you saw him. Purple suit, shotgun over his shoulder, unkempt green hair, painted face. His face. Covered in white with black swallowing his eyes, bright red over his mouth and crawling up his cheeks in a wicked grin. On the news they called him The Joker.

“We are… tonight’s entertainment! I only have one question… Where. Is. Har-vey Dent?”

He was so tall, walking with a slight slouch but had an air of confidence like you’d never seen. Like he knew just how much attention his presence attracted. No, attention it demanded. Like he knew you couldn’t take your eyes off of him. He made it look effortless. Almost like he was bored by it. He tossed food into his mouth, chewing noisily while he spoke. Then he stopped and turned to walk toward the crowd, pointing his shotgun toward the people in front of him before moving on down the line. Your feet grew cold when you realized he was heading in your direction. He tossed champagne out of a glass before mockingly tossing his head back to let the last drop hit his tongue. You couldn’t move a muscle as he leaned in and muttered questions at the people standing nearby. He kept coming. Your heart pounded, climbing into your throat as he got closer.

Then you could see it. It was scars. The red smile stretching across his face, it was painted over scars. Someone had cut through the corners of his mouth on both sides, leaving behind a twisted, permanent, grin. It made your stomach drop. He said something to Mr. Kane, but you couldn’t hear it, only the blood rushing in your ears. He got so close. You swore you could feel the heat from his body, smell something sharp like acetone.

“You remind me of my father.”

Then he suddenly grabbed Mr. Kane by his collar and growled, “I hated my father.”

“Ok, stop.”

Mr. Kane was shoved into you while Joker turned to face the voice coming from behind him. Rachel Dawes, Bruce’s friend for as long as you could remember.

“Well, hello, beautiful. You must be Harvey’s squeeze-ah. Hm?... and you are beautiful.”

He circled her like a wild dog stalking prey, practically licking his chops. Relishing the feeling of cornering his victim. Waving a knife blade at her.

“You look nervous. Is it the scars?... Wanna know how I got ‘em?”

Then he reached forward and gripped her by the back of her neck and her face. You felt your cheeks abruptly grow warmer. He pulled her closer to him, holding her there, not letting her look away. A thought suddenly cut through you mind like the knife in his hand. You wondered if the leather of his gloves felt warm or cool on her skin. Your heart fluttered and a shiver ran down your back. Why were you thinking about that? He intruded without warning and started threatening people, but here you were wanting to know what it was like to be that close to him. You found yourself wishing you were her, just to know what it was like, him touching you.

You hung on to his every word. He had a wife once, who told him he worried to much, that he should smile more, she gambled, got in deep with the sharks. They carved her face, had no money for surgery, she couldn’t take it, he just wanted to see her smile again, he didn’t care about the scars, he stuck a razor in his mouth and did that to himself. He… he did that to himself?

“And you know what? She can’t stand the sight of me! She leaves. Now I see the funny side... Now I’m always smiling.”

You blinked and the next thing you knew, punches were being thrown and men in clown masks were falling to the floor. Batman. The masked vigilante everyone was talking about. He seemed to appear out of nowhere, coming out of the shadows to beat up the bad guys. Reality struck you in that moment. This was real. This was happening. The word surreal doesn’t quite cover it. You wanted something different. Well, this was different. Instead of fear you started to feel something else rising up from inside of you, tingling up your back. Excitement.

A punch from a clown masked man landed square on Batman’s jaw, sending him to his knee and giving Joker the opportunity to start kicking him in the stomach. All you could do was watch, spellbound by the violence occurring before your eyes, wide with anticipation. It almost happened too fast for you to see. He really had nothing holding him back. He couldn’t care less about what people thought of him. Showing up in face paint and a purple suit with a posse of men disguised as scary clowns, commanding even more attention than Bruce. He basked in it, not caring one bit what they thought, only that he left an impression. He did. Especially on you.

You blinked again and he had Rachel. He stood behind her, his arm wrapped around her chest to keep her from running, his other hand waving a handgun in the air. He wasn’t going to drop the gun, not unless Batman took his mask off, show us all who he really was. Then the window behind him shattered with a shot from the gun and he dangled Rachel by her arm out into the open air. Your chest felt tight, as helpless as everyone else watching and unable to do anything about it. But you still couldn’t shake the thrill you felt buzzing in your arms and legs, fogging your mind.

“Let her go,” Batman’s hoarse voice demanded.

Joker squinted his eyes and grinned with ironic amusement as he answered, “Very poor choice of words.”

He let go. His laugh reached down to your bones and held on, pulling you toward him while Batman dove out the window after Rachel. You didn’t know what you were doing but you couldn’t stop yourself. Your feet kept carrying you closer. People all around you started rushing for the exit, running from the taunting men in clown masks like the crowd at a Halloween fun house. Except this was real.

You kept your eyes forward, getting within a few feet of him when he turned and saw you. A chill washed over you, both icy cold and burning hot at the same time when his eyes traveled up and down your body where you stopped in your tracks. Your skin felt like it was on fire.

“Hello, there,” he purred.

You opened your mouth to speak but no sound came out. You just stared at him. Then he started to saunter toward you, slowly closing the gap that separated you, and you almost couldn’t breathe.

The corner of his mouth twitched into a sideways grin. “Aren’t you a pretty little flower, hm?”

Your heart fluttered and your lungs pulled in a sudden gasp of air, that sharp smell filling up your senses. He was right in front of you now. He was right in front of you and you could undeniably feel the heat radiating off of him. Your heart pumped faster, the adrenaline in your veins saturating every tissue. That tingling in your spine came rushing back as his tongue flashed out of his mouth to run along his lip.

“Can I, uh, help you with something, little flower?”

The last sounds of panicked voices faded, and it was completely silent. You were alone. With him. Fear tried to wrestle for a place in the front of your mind, to pull you away, to make you run back toward the door, but the allure you felt was too pervading. You remained still, trying to steady your breath while the gaze from his black-rimmed eyes seemed to swallow you up. Sirens started to echo in the distance.

Then your voice found its way out of your mouth, “I… I just wanted to… um, to get closer.”

His eyebrows shot up and his grin widened as a low hum rumbled in his chest. Your brittle nerves nearly shattered when he lifted his hand and gently took hold of your chin, lifting it and stepping forward to press his chest against yours. “Mmm, this close enough?”

His gloves, they felt cool on your skin.

Taglist!

@youmaycallmebrian​ @heavymetalnarwhal​ @neverputsaltinyoureyes @jokersqueenofchaos​ @into-crazy​ @killingjokee​ @astheworlddturns​

[sifeng]

Review: The Legend of Zhen Huan

Harem dramas (or gongdou dramas) are really extremely interesting, not just because the schemes and plots are smart and evil, but also because the ones planning are ladies. Typically, in big historical political dramas, such as Nirvana in Fire (琅琊榜) or the legendary Romance of the Three Kingdoms (三国演义), the big players are all males. In the former example, you have a few notable female roles, but in the latter, there are a lot of main characters, and only one is a woman. In harem dramas, the tables are reversed. The ladies are the ones doing the scheming, and they’re doing it while completely hiding inner feuds from the emperor. Out of all the harem dramas that have been made by China, the prize for “Best Harem Drama” typically goes to The Legend of Zhen Huan (甄嬛传). So what’s so good about Zhen Huan? And why should you watch it?

The main five ladies fighting for the emperor’s love (or are they really just fighting for power?) From left to right: Hua Fei (华妃), the Empress (皇后), Zhen Huan (甄嬛), Shen Meizhuang (沈眉庄), An Lingrong (安陵容)

Plot: 

Zhen Huan is a young woman who looks to have a normal life. However, all chances at a normal life are crushed when she is selected to become the emperor’s concubine. Now, she must learn the ways of the harem, which not only include etiquette, but also scheming and betrayal. 

Cast:

Sun Li/Betty Sun (孙俪) as Zhen Huan (甄嬛)

Chen Jianbin (陈建斌) as Yongzheng/Emperor (雍正/皇上)

Cai Shaofen/Ada Choi (蔡少芬) as Ulanara Yixiu/Empress (乌拉那拉·宜修/皇后)

Li Dongxue (李东学) as Prince Guo/Yun Li (果郡王/允礼)

Jiang Xin (蒋欣) as Consort Hua/Nian Shilan (华妃/年世兰)

Tao Xinran (陶昕然) as An Lingrong (安陵容)

Lan Xi (斓曦) as Shen Meizhuang (沈眉庄)

My Opinions:

Plot (My Rating - A):

I would say the best thing about the plot is the pacing. It doesn’t go extremely fast, to the point where you lose track of everything that is happening, but it does go at a relatively reasonable pace so the show never gets boring. 

This drama does an amazing job of showing the cruelty of the harem. Also, I kind of think the kind of scheming that goes on in harem dramas are even more scary than the big political schemes of the big historical dramas, because these ladies put on this image of being good sisters that support each other, when in reality they have thought up a million ideas on how to kill each other. 

Of course, being a harem drama, there’s not a whole lot of cute romance here, but there are quite a few couples (beyond the emperor and his concubines) that are kind of cute. Also, as it is a harem drama, focus on friendship and loyalty to friends is rarely mentioned. There’s really only two cases of friendship in the entire drama, everything else is much more like an “alliance”.

Characterization (My Rating - A+):

I would say the two best parts of this drama are characterization and acting. Every character in this drama has their flaws, but also traits that we should be admirable of and learn from. Let’s take An Lingrong for example. Her biggest flaw is that she has extremely low self esteem, which leads her to be paranoid and loose her ability to trust her friends. However, she is also extremely persistent. She knows singing is her talent, and so she uses it on a number of occasions to gain favor. When she looses her voice, she learns to ice skate, and is able to do it wonderfully, and again, she gains favor with the emperor. She also later learns to take her future into her own hands, instead of depending on her friends, or the Empress to protect her. 

Characters also grow throughout the series. Though they start out innocent, Zhen Huan, Shen Meizhuang and An Lingrong grow to become wise and mature. And as this show is extremely long, we get to see what events set off character growth. All slightly major characters undergo some kind of character development, and all of them have developed personalities that make you want to root for them sometimes, but sometimes you really just want to throw them in the Cold Palace.

No villain is left without a humanized side. No one is evil for the sake of being evil (which cough, Gao Guifei in Yanxi?), and even the villains have backstories that make you sympathize with their actions. At the end of the day, I can’t even really call them “villains” since, let’s be real, some of the “good guys” do things that are just as bad. Similarly, the very few heroes in our show have their negative traits as well. No one is perfect. Everyone is human. 

The most impressive thing is definitely the growth of Zhen Huan. She starts out weak and somewhat of a coward, however, by the end, she is the one that people fear. As the show narrates the story of Zhen Huan from a 16 year old girl to the powerful Empress Dowager, we can see how every event in her life changes her. Every scheme, death, betrayal, they all build Zhen Huan to be a strong, powerful, but cruel person. Some have criticized the show because it seems to send out the message that in order to get above your bullies, you have to become just as evil. I disagree. Two of the concubines in the palace, Jing Pin and Duan Fei are more low-key, rarely participating in schemes, and they survive until the very end, earning the third and second highest ranks possible in the harem respectively. You don’t need to scheme in this show if you develop good relationships with everyone, and have a low-key and simple existence. As long as you don’t push yourself Ito the race for the emperor’s favor, you’re sure to live. 

Acting (My Rating - A+):

My god. How did they literally manage to get ever single actor portray their characters perfectly? Not just the main leads, but literally everyone, made me truly believe their characterization. Of course I have to give props to Sun Li, Ada Choi and Jiang Xin for their portrayals of Zhen Huan, the Empress and Hua Fei. THEY WERE AMAZING. Even though the latter two are arguably villains, they played their parts so well that honestly, I felt bad when the Emperor didn’t believe them or ignored them. 

I also think Tao Xinran did really good as An Lingrong. In the beginning she did a great job of bringing out An Lingrong’s self-deprecating and unconfident personality, and I could see that even though An Lingrong ended up growing significantly in power, underneath the facade of confidence, she’s has low self esteem and confidence. 

What’s really amazing is that a lot of the supporting actors here have become stars themselves. Three of the supporting concubines, Qi Guiren, Chun Changzai and Ying Guiren are played by three rising stars Tang Yixin, Tan Songyun and Mao Xiaotong. 

Cinematography (My Rating - A-): The shots of the Forbidden City are beautiful, but seeing as this is a 2011 drama, the quality isn’t amazing.

Costumes (My Rating - A+): I mean just look at the pictures above. The costumes are STUNNING.

Overall Rating: A+ 

Recommend For: People looking for a drama full of schemes and mystery. People who are okay with a drama that doesn’t include a whole to of romance or friendship. People looking for a good harem drama. People who liked Yanxi or Ruyi should definitely watch this drama! 

[mymelodyheart]

Starting Over Chapter 29 ~The Reality~

.

  Geillis sat at her kitchen table, looking bright and chipper and way too put together at seven AM Tuesday morning. Geillis had invited herself over for breakfast and coffee before Claire started her shift at The Royal Hospital for Sick Children. It had been ages since they've seen each other, and a much-needed catch up was just what they both needed.

Before she'd started her new job, it had been a tense and hectic past few weeks. While Jamie had been away most of the time in London, Claire had been preoccupied applying for a residency program and meeting for job interviews. When the news of Gerald Forbes' arrest, Geneva Dunsany's stripping of gold medals and investigations in William Dunsany's business' dealings reached her, she'd dreaded her name would be mentioned in the newspaper and evening prime time news. To her relief, Ned Gowan had made sure that didn't happen. Only certain parts of the recording were released to the media, specifically the section where Forbes admitted to spiking Jamie's drink and accepting bribes from Dunsany. Since her voice was disguised with an audio editing application, it had been automatically assumed the sting was done by an undercover reporter; hence, no questions were further asked of the identity of the voice.

The days that followed were even made more stressful after Frank pleaded her to drop the charges against him and requested an out of court settlement, offering her monetary compensation instead. Not having the heart to see a licence stripped away from a brilliant doctor, Claire conceded under the condition he wouldn't practice medicine in Scotland for five years and that he would work for Doctors Without Borders for at least two years before returning to England. Frank agreed without contest, and a settlement was made and signed. But it was only when she had her belongings that he'd been keeping, returned and was informed he'd left Edinburgh for good, was she able to relax and concentrate on her future.

"So, Jamie is back in London again," Geillis remarked, in-between bites of her toast. "Another business trip?"

Claire filled their mugs with coffee and sat down. "I guess you can call it that. Jamie was invited by BBC to a morning show interview," she explained. "And while he's there, he's doing a few photoshoots for some razor commercial and finalising the sale of his properties. He should be back by tomorrow."

"Oh that's good but why aren't ye staying over at his place? Besides me wanting to have a nosy in his posh apartment, it's nearer to yer work and more convenient for him to see ye when he returns from London. And hello ...less carbon footprint."

She took a sip of her coffee and leaned back on her seat, twisting her head from side to side to relieve the tension in her neck. Her new job wasn't as demanding as in the Royal Infirmary; nevertheless, she felt the effects of the long hours at work. "Jamie already suggested that but he's away most of the time and I kind of like my place and ..." she trailed off, shrugging.

"Aaand ... it's a huge commitment and too soon after ye've just got yer stuff back from Frank and ye think he's more into parading himself in the public's eye than he's into ye," Geillis filled in the blanks before scooping some egg into her mouth. 

Claire didn't answer, as she toyed with her fork.

"Ye miss him, aye?"

She nodded, giving her friend a wistful smile. She did miss Jamie a lot. Ever since the problems with his former agent settled, she'd seen less and less of him. She knew he was trying to put together something for the future, but at the worse of times, she felt mildly resentful not seeing him as much and hated herself for feeling that way. They've been wrapped up in their own bubble of bliss, she hadn't thought about where their relationship was heading to. Their feelings were out there, larger than life and scary as hell, and now they have to find a way to make this thing work in the real world with their conflicting schedules. But lately, with Jamie's numerous endorsements pouring in, to represent big-name companies and merchandises, she wondered if their relationship could survive and if there was even a hint of truth in what Forbes had told her that Jamie was meant for the limelight.

"Ye think Jamie is going to be lured back to his celebrity lifestyle and ye're waiting for the bomb to fall, is this what's this about?" she asked as if uncannily reading her thoughts.

Damn the girl for being so perceptive.  She straightened up on her seat and smeared butter on her toast. "What makes you think that?" she asked, trying to look nonchalant, which was silly really considering Geillis could read her like a book.

Geillis rolled her eyes and sipped her coffee. "It's pretty apparent ye're not too thrilled with the load of work he's getting. But if he's going to start this rugby academy ye were talking about, all the exposures and the money he could earn from those adverts will help."

"You're beginning to sound like Forbes," Claire scoffed, pointing the butter knife at her. "And I don't like it."

"And ye're letting fear and doubt grow its ugly head," she quipped, toast shrapnel spraying out from her mouth.

"Good God, Geillis ... that's gross. Don't talk when you're mouth is full."

"Stop changing the subject," Geillis admonished. She crunched down on her toast and gave her a false smile, deliberately exhibiting bits of food between her teeth. "In a perfect world, ye could both get what ye want, dream job and time for each other. But that's no' the case, so ...if ye have issues with Jamie's work and wotnots, ye should be more proactive in addressing them instead of sulking." 

"I'm not sulking ...or maybe I am a little. But here's the thing ... I've only seen Jamie for two days for the last couple of weeks. Even when he's here in Edinburgh, either he is unavailable and rushing off somewhere to meet someone important, or he's in the gym. When I'm at his place, he's either too tired to do anything, asleep already, or he has to wake up early ...so there's really no point of me staying there. It's nuts really, I'm seeing less of him now that we're together than when he was trying to pursue me. We talk and text a lot on the phone, but it doesn't make being separated any easier. This evil paranoia is constantly nagging in my head that he's bored with me and finding limelight more exciting. But then he makes up for his absence by regularly checking up on me or having food delivered either at my workplace or here at home because he knows I forget to eat sometimes. And my distrustful and illogical side creeps in and tells me he's just keeping me interested. But when he's holding me, all those whispers in my head shut up."

Geillis wiped her mouth with a napkin and reached for her hand. "Ach, hen, he loves ye. Ye ken fine I have this built-in radar inside me that can detect bullshit from miles away. That man of yers lights up like a Christmas tree whenever ye're around. Why not talk to him and tell him how ye're feeling."

"God, no. I sound already petty and clingy hearing myself talk. Not going to happen."

"Hmmm, have ye been reading things written about him in social media again?" Geillis asked, already knowing the answer and looking on disapprovingly. "Jamie already told ye not to."

Claire sighed and slumped back in her chair. "I can't help it sometimes," she reasoned. "I see something nice written about him, and that makes me happy, and I look for more, but then I end up reading gossips about him that aren't true. I'm supposed to be prepared for this. When Jamie and I first got together, I knew what I was getting into, and I knew our relationship would have some degree of disappointment and compromise. I understand Jamie's work is very important to him, and quite rightly so. But it's still difficult to accept that I'm someone whose boyfriend is lusted after by thousands of women and the way my work colleagues talk behind my back and look at me, serves as a reminder. I thought those days in the limelight would be over when he told me about the academy, but it seems the interviews and photocalls have doubled. I need to find a way to be alright with that because I know those public appearances will help promote his academy. It's just that when I rarely see him, it's so hard and I can't help but think it's the start of our end."

"Quit that rubbish talk for crying out loud! Ye just have to remind yersel' its just work," Geillis pressed in a firm tone. "Whatever is happening right now doesn't change the way he feels about ye." She got up, taking her plate and mug over to the sink to rinse them and put them into the dishwasher. "His popularity has a short lifespan, Claire, most especially now that he's turning down work left, right and centre from other networks. Once the academy is up and running and the talk about his BBC award dies down, the news will be onto something new. And as for Jamie, he will eventually fade into the background as he wouldn't have time for anything else other than building his new business venture. Nobody knows how long this ride is going to last, so he might as well take advantage and get as much exposure out of it."

"I know, I know. You're right with everything you said." Claire cleared the rest of the dishes on the table and stood up. "That's why I don't want to say anything to Jamie. You taking Jamie's side when you've always taken mine can only mean I sound really downright pathetic."

Geillis dried her hand and turned around to face her, giving her a thoughtful smile. "Not pathetic at all and I understand why ye're worried. Not everyone would have been able to handle being in a relationship with Jamie. God, if he was my boyfriend, I'd never let him out of my sight because he's too pretty for his own good. But as an objective bystander, I can hundred per cent assure ye, that man is working his arse off to get that business of his going so he can have a normal life with ye."

She packed her laptop in its case and drank the rest of her juice. "That's what I tell myself all the time. It's just hard when we hardly have a moment to ourselves and when I'm left alone with my own thoughts, that's when it becomes dangerous. All these niggling doubts surface from out of nowhere and play havoc with my logic." 

"Ach, Claire. Sometimes I wish ye could see the way he looks at ye when ye're not looking. He looks at ye like ye're the sun itself and it makes me want to puke seeing all that lovefest spewing out of him."

This time Claire laughed out loud and allowed the tension and uncertainties of the future to slowly fade away. Thank God she had Geillis to talk sense into her. After everything that happened recently, she really needed to exorcise all those demons that Forbes and Frank left behind because unless she did that, they would continue to rule her waking hours, even though they were no longer in their lives,

..........

Claire stripped off her clothes and climbed into the shower. She had forty-five minutes to get ready before Jamie arrives. She'd received a text earlier while at work telling her he was in the airport in London waiting to get into the plane and he would be heading straight to her as soon as he landed and they would go out on a dinner date.

The water was hot, and it felt good just to stand there and let it run over her skin as she tried to release the tension in her muscles. It had been a long day at work running from ward to ward, and although she loved her job, working with sick children was often challenging since it affected her more on an emotional level. They were innocents and should be untouched by illness and injuries and be out there thriving and healthy instead of being in the hospital. Despite trying her hardest to remain professional, it still proved difficult to not get attached to her young patients.

Suddenly realising the water was getting colder, she quickly lathered some shower gel on her skin and shampoo on her hair. When she turned around to rinse herself, she nearly screamed when she saw Jamie on the other side of the shower stall, leaning against the wall with his arms folded across his chest and a lopsided grin plastered on his face. 

"Jamie! Bloody hell! You shouldn't sneak in like that! Jesus! You nearly gave me a heart attack," she scolded, quickly washing the suds off her body.

Jamie chuckled, as he took a huge towel from the rail. "Ye didn't answer when I called out yer name. So I just waited for ye to finish, hoping to hear yer rendition of one of Paloma Faith's songs before ye notice I'm here."

She turned off the water and stepped out of the shower into the towel Jamie was holding. He wrapped it around her and smiled. 

"Hi!" he whispered.

She tried to step back. "I'll ruin your suit. I'm all wet."

"I dinnae care." He pulled her back into his arms, and she stretched up on her toes to kiss him briefly. 

When she drew away, she stared up at him. "Let me dry my hair first. I shan't be long."

"No' yet." She held her breath as Jamie leaned down and kissed her tenderly.  Oh God, how I've missed him!  His lips were so soft and warm, making all the air rush out of her lungs. He sucked at her bottom lip before pulling back and angling his head to kiss her again. Though his body was tensed and hard, the delicate way he moved his mouth over hers demonstrated leashed restraint like he wanted to savour the moment instead of giving in to the hormones that were raging between them. If his intention was to make her forget what she was about to say or do, he was succeeding immensely.

Gradually his kisses became more intense, and she gave up trying to think and allowed herself to just feel, letting her muscles melt against his body. He cupped her breast, and when she moaned and gripped his shoulders tightly, he grunted in frustration and gently drew away.

Glancing down at her, he tucked his tongue into his cheek and shook his head. "Ye should get dressed before I give ye a reason to go back and shower again." He took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. "Christ, I've missed ye so much."

Her heart did a pirouette. It was so  bloody  absurd that after the all this time, Jamie could still make the air catch in her chest and her blood rush with force, just by looking at her. "I missed you too," was all she could muster, feeling the heat creep up her face.

He cleared his throat. "I brought some Thai takeaway. You get dressed, and I'll prepare the table."

"Oh! I thought we were going out," she said, unable to hide her disappointment.

He swallowed and nodded, the muscles in his jaw, working overtime as he took her hands. "I'm so sorry, Sassenach. I had a last-minute phone call from this guy who'll be rewiring the sports complex. He's coming all the way from Glasgow, and I need to show him the floor plans and the list of gadgets I need installing. I'm just as disappointed as ye are that we can't go out." He linked his fingers through hers. "The next few weeks are going to be crazy as hell, but I'm doing everything I can to make sure we'll have more time together. That's a promise."

"That's alright," she murmured, trying her best not to act like a child whose lolly had been taken off her. This was the sixth time he'd cancelled their date, and it didn't help that they hadn't been out together for weeks and that she hadn't seen the sports complex yet. Her brain concocted tons of reasons for all the cancellations, and not one of them was good, but she immediately tamped down the thoughts when she saw the worried look on his face. Sighing, she gave him a reassuring smile. "You go ahead a prepare the food. I'll just quickly dry my hair, and I will be out soon."

Before she could turn away, he hauled her back into his arms, and then cupped her face with both hands and kissed her deeply, almost making her believe everything was fine.

"I love you, Sassenach" he said against her lips. "I promise I will have more time for us soon."

He held her for a few more heartbeats, and then with an effort, he pulled away and headed out the door.

When he left, she leaned her forehead against the damp bathroom tiles. "I love you too Jamie. So much it hurts to breathe sometimes," she whispered to the wall. 

..........

Another three weeks went by, and Claire was determined to ignore her growing sense of apprehension about Jamie and her inability to deal with his lack of presence in most of her everyday life. She felt like she had a countdown timer running in the backdrop, and she was just waiting for it to reach zero when it would reveal they were over for good.

She sighed and ferociously tug the weeds out of her garden bed, venting her frustration in her back garden vegetation. Her mood didn't improve when she envisioned herself becoming one of those women who obsessed about their man, fearing they wouldn't be able to cope once the relationship was over.  Shut it, Beauchamp! Stop being pathetic and grow a pair!

Nearby, Geillis was collecting all the weeds she'd pulled out and placing them into containers for compost. She didn't want to heap more of her relationship worries on her friend, thinking she's beginning to sound repetitive and whiny.

Even though Jamie was away a lot, he would drop by a few times, helping her with shopping when she didn't have the time to refill her pantry and repairing things that needed fixing in her wee cottage. She tried not to pressure him about sleepovers since she'd refused a few times to stay at his place. Not that Claire didn't want to be with him, but he was hardly in his apartment, and when he was, he spent his time catching up on sleep or speaking with important people on the phone. Over time she realised, he was workaholic, mostly when it involved something he was passionate and excited about. And it made her wonder if that was the reason he never had any proper relationship during his rugby days.

Jamie had often enough apologised for not always being there for her and asked her to give him more time and trust him, and she was trying her utmost best to do just that, even though patience and trust are two things she was beginning to have a short supply of.

"It's yer day-off. Aren't ye seeing Jamie today?" Geillis asked, getting up on her feet and kicking the dirt off her boots.

"Nope. Apparently, being interviewed by some local radio station and filming for Irn-Bru commercial is more appealing than spending time with his girlfriend." She cringed inwardly the moment her pettiness came out in full force, unable to contain what she truly felt any longer.

"Ach, hen. I ken it's been a difficult time for ye both with yer long hours and his busy schedule. Surely, ye ken he'd rather spend time with ye."

"I know, Geillis. Don't mind me at all. I'm just in one of those moods. Think nothing more of it." She dusted off her hands and got up. "Anyway, I'm trying not to dwell on those things. I have to get ready and meet up with John ...you know John Grey from St Leonards', where I did my temp job?" When Geillis nodded, she continued. "He's got a day-off too, and his boyfriend is on a business trip to France. So we thought, since we're both boyfriendless today, we'd hang out together. You can join us if you wish."

Geillis waved her hand. "I'll pass. I have a gig tomorrow for a group of seven-year-olds. Need to organise their party hats and goodie bags. I'll clean up and go." Then she pulled her in for a hug. "And enjoy yersel' and try not to worry about Jamie. He's probably thinking the same of ye ...ye not having enough time for him with yer long hours at work. Just have a little faith with the man, alright?"

"I will," she smiled, kissing her on the cheek. "In case you finish early with your prep for tomorrow and change your mind about joining us, we'll be in The World's End."

Geillis pulled back and made a face. "I doubt it. It's a bath, chamomile and books for me tonight and then early to bed. Need to save my energy for those bairns tomorrow. Kids nowadays are so hyper and fueled with so much sugar, I can hardly keep up with them. But ye go enjoy yersel', and I'll stop by one of this morning for breakfast." And with that, she spun around and headed towards the house.

As she put away her hand garden tools into a bucket, she took deep calming breaths and made a decision to stop thinking so negatively. It had been ages since she'd been to the pub and maybe a change of atmosphere and a few beers with her friend John would improve her mood. She wished she could talk to Jamie right now, but she knew he was working and was probably in the middle of an interview or shoot. She would just have to wait later to send him a message once she's come back home.

As if thinking of Jamie willed him to call, her phone buzzed in her jeans, and when she looked at the screen, it lit up with his number. A wave of elation rushed through her cancelling all her earlier doubts. "Hey, I was just thinking about you and wondering when it's best to call you up. I wasn't sure if you were in the middle of something."

"I have a few minutes before I go on air." He sounded slightly hoarse if not tired, but still, she could hear a smile on his voice. "How are ye today, Sassenach?"

She reminded herself he was working hard for his sports academy, and she needed to be a more understanding girlfriend. "I'm great," she replied, trying to be more cheerful than she felt. "I'm just cleaning up after a bit of garden work, and then I'll head out for a few drinks."

"With Geillis and Joe?" 

She picked up her bucket of tools and headed towards the shed. "Actually, no. I'm going out with John."

"John? Who's John?"

She thought she heard the clipped tone in his voice but shook her head, thinking she imagined things. "You know John. The head doctor of St Leonards' where I did my temp job. We both have a day-off, so we thought we'd hang out together for a couple of beers. It's been ages since I've been out and I thought it would be a nice change."

"How come Geillis or Joe is not coming with ye? Are they working?"

"Joe is away somewhere ...God knows where. And I've asked Geillis to come, but she has a gig to prepare for tomorrow." She opened the door to her shed and slid in her tools before closing it again and heading back towards the house. "It'll just be a couple of drinks, and then I'll head back home."

There was a long pause in Jamie's end. "Jamie? You still there?"

"Aye, I'm here," he sighed. "The air is getting colder, Sassenach. Make sure ye dressed up warmly when ye go out."

"It is getting a bit nippy," she admitted, looking at her watch. "Listen. Got to run. I'm running a bit late."

There was another silence for a few seconds before he spoke. "Ye ken I love ye, don't ye, Sassenach?" he asked.

She took a deep breath and smiled. "Of course, Jamie. And I love you too. But I really have to go. I'll speak to you soon ...well, as soon as I get back home. I promise." And then she turned off the phone before he could say another word since she was already running late. As she stepped into the house, she felt loads better already than she did earlier after hearing Jamie's voice. In fact, she was beginning to look forward to having a night out with John and having a refreshing pint. Maybe, later, if she's not too tired, she would pay Jamie a visit to his apartment and surprise him. With that in mind and with more lightness in her heart, she showered and got ready for her night out.

[sleepingfancies]

We Need to Talk About SJM

I was recently anonymously asked what exactly my issue with Sarah Jane Maas is, and ended up writing what was essentially a thesis paper about it. Unfortunately, Tumblr pulled a Shitty Website move and deleted everything I wrote under the ‘read more’ tab, so I’m compiling my reasons here on a masterpost, for your reading leisure.

EDIT: Read more tab continues to not work for me, so I apologize to all of you who have to suffer through this. I’ll tag is as a long post accordingly.

Let’s get started

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Reason 1: She preaches messages that no young girl needs to (or should) hear.

Granted, I know the a lot of the YA genre are adults who are no strangers to smut and aren’t phased by toxic behavior in characters. But on the same token, a lot of the YA genre is fueled by young girls age 12-20. Now I’m not going to sit here and pretend like girls in that age range aren’t reading/writing smutty fanfiction or dating. I know they do, I did, most of my friends did. But at that age, young girls are still trying to figure out who they are and who they want to be, including in terms of relationships. That’s where my problem with Maas comes in.

Maas writes, almost exclusively, toxic relationships - at best. Straight up abusive at worst. At one point in ACOTAR, I had to put the book down because I was so disgusted by what happened. Rhysand assaulted Feyre. I’m not kidding. He kissed and groped her against her will, telepathically asked whether she was wet about it, and wondered aloud what she looked like naked. The entire goal of doing this was to piss Feyre’s then-boyfriend off, and for Rhysand to assert his dominance as a Fae lord or whatever the fuck (y’know, like rapists do). Feyre was left shaking, nauseated, and scared for her life. But the worst part? It was written like this was something sexy and desirable. Literal penetration was all that stopped this from being a horrifying rape scene, and I couldn’t believe Maas wrote about it like some hot erotica. It wasn’t romantic. It wasn’t cute. It was disgusting, violating, and I was furious when I read it (especially given Feyre actually ends up with Rhysand eventually. What the fuck).

In Throne of Glass - and subsequent sequels - there are couples (namely Rowan and Aelin) who quite literally spit on each other, punch each other, and bite each other. No, not “love nip” bite, I mean “I’m trying to tear your skin off” bite. But we’re meant to believe they’re endgame, meant to be, and a totally healthy relationship. Let’s not even get into emotional abuse and manipulation, because holy fuck does every single character in these books act like a goddamn villain if we were to go over that in detail. All you need to know is that “if you don’t do xyz then I’ll leave and never come back” “what made you think I cared about you? You’re nothing to me. Just kidding, I love you” and similar sentiments are rampant in these series.

While we’re here, what is up with this “mates” nonsense? Every character pairing we see by the end of the ToG series has a “mate,” and swears off everyone they’ve had before, claiming them to be “false mates.” This whole “mates” business sounds a lot like somebody desperately trying to reassure their insanely jealous partner that they don’t still have feelings for their ex. That’s not healthy! That’s not okay! Your exes helped you narrow down your search. They helped you understand yourself more and what you want (or don’t want). And y’know what? It’s okay to have happy memories with an ex. It’s okay to not hate your ex. Telling young girls that all that matters is their future husband (which erases LGBT+ girls, as well as straight women who don’t want to get married) is harmful as hell, and contributes to the idea that a girl is only “complete” when she finds her “soulmate.”

Girls 12-20 really do not need to be given the message that it’s normal - nay, romantic - for their partners to hit them, humiliate them, or assault them. You may be saying, “Clara, come on, girls know fiction isn’t reality and no girl is actually going to stand for that kind of thing in real life.” But I can’t tell you how horribly my own view of relationships was corrupted for several years after all the books I read as a tween where the protagonist had to defend her flirty boyfriend from the advances of other girls. I didn’t trust boys not to cheat on me. I didn’t trust my girl friends not to try and steal a boyfriend. I thought girls who dressed up and wore makeup and dated a lot were sluts. It took me years of conscious effort to unlearn those ideas. Fiction can and does influence the reader. So again I say: teaching girls that it’s “hot and sexy” when men literally abuse you is not a message a 12-20 year old should be hearing. Ever.

                                                     ***************

Reason 2: What exactly does Maas want her readers to be?

Y’know, Maas thinks Caelena/Aelin is a role model for young girls. But here’s a brief list of things Celery/Alien has done throughout the Throne of Glass series:

1. Tried to smash a flower pot over a girl’s head for showing interest in courting Prince Dorian. Despite said girl literally being present at the castle for that purpose and Caelena was not.

2. Very nearly murdered Dorian for absolutely fuckall reason, and then she got mad at Chaol for trying to stop her (keep in mind: Chaol and Dorian are supposed to be best friends. So like... yeah, he’s gonna come to Dorian’s defense).

3. Straight up said, “if I get bored being queen I’ll just go and conquer more lands for my kingdom.” Imperialist there much, Aelin?

This is Maas’ role model material? Half the shit she does from Heir of Fire onward could be described as “war crime” and the other half could be described as “selfish.” Maas seems to think that a shit ton of half-baked “witty” lines and a few “badass” fight scenes completely makes up for having an amoral character as the protagonist you want to flaunt around as an icon for young girls.

It would be one thing if Maas said, “I don’t want anyone to be like Celery/Alien. She’s not a good person and I want my readers to be able to identify how and why she isn’t a good person. The moral is what not to be like.” But she does the opposite and claims time and time again that Celery/Alien is some kind of feminist warrior, when in fact Celery/Alien is the very epitome of white feminism and false feminism. She’ll be all kinds of gung-ho for herself, but as soon as another woman mentions her own unique problems or lifestyles, Celery/Alien thinks she’s a “whiny bitch,” “dumb slut,” or something similar. Celery/Alien ends up looking down her nose at basically every other female character. The lack of female friendships in Maas’ books is frankly astounding.

No girl needs to be Celery/Alien. Celery/Alien is not a role model, she is not a feminist, she is not a figurehead of a well developed female character or even a compelling antihero. She’s sexist, she’s misogynistic, she has serious anger issues, she’s manipulative, she’s abusive. This is not who young girls should be looking up to.

                                                       ************

Reason 3: Maas has no place in the YA genre.

I’m not really sure I need to elaborate much on this. Let me give you a scenario:

Imagine you’re at a book signing for your fans. They’re mostly girls 15-20, so you kind of just sign their copies without thinking much about it. But then a smaller girl comes up to the table, you ask her age, and she says “I’m ten.” A 10 year old girl is standing in front of you, clutching her copy of your book where you wrote and published the scene, “he buried in to the hilt and roared. Over and over he spilled inside of her, the lightning outside flashing soft and lovely long after he stilled.”

Look me in the eye and tell me that shit is appropriate in the YA genre. At all. Ever.

You wanna write romance? Go for it. It can be cute! It can be healthy! It can be intriguing! But this? This? This is just... erotica. If you’re publishing stuff like this in the YA genre, in a book that isn’t even on the ‘tween/teen romance’ shelves, then you better be ready to take full responsibility for teaching 10 year olds what a blowjob is, what an orgasm is, what BDSM is, what a fucking foot fetish is.

I know JK Rowling isn’t the most popular right now, but even she did better than this. The first 3 Harry Potter books you can generally find on the children’s/middle grade shelves. They were cute, fun little adventures about wizards and magic and fantastic creatures. Books 4-7? Those are on the YA shelves. People are dying, magic is dangerous, fascist organizations are on the rise -- it isn’t fun for Harry anymore. It isn’t about the wonders of magic. It’s about life or death, war, and fear. So yeah, of course those book aren’t going to be on the children’s/middle grade shelves! They’re dark! They’re scary! That kind of material shouldn’t be advertised as appropriate for younger kids!

Maas never extended that courtesy. Maas took her books full of badly written erotica and plopped them down right where all the rest of the completely tame YA books went, because she wanted the sales. She didn’t care if she was exposing kids who were too young to explicit sex scenes. She never posted a disclaimer, she never posted any kind of warning on social media when the books came out. Nope. She just silently took advantage of the market knowing she’d get more sales in YA. But it has no place in YA. It’s not YA. And I don’t think I’m ever gonna be okay with that.

                                                          ***********

Reason 4: Diversity? Never heard of it!

Maas’ books are so incredibly white and straight that it’s painful. Rowan and Aelin? White and straight. Feyre? Rhysand? Chaol? Dorian? Manon? Hey, you guessed it! They’re all white and straight (despite Chaol, Dorian, and Manon being heavily LGBT+ coded for like, the entire series till the last book)!

“He looked at his friend, perhaps for the last time, and said what he had always known, from the moment they met, ‘I love you.’” (Queen of Shadows)

Hello? Sarah Jane? I’m all for male friendships, but there’s male friendships and then there’s actual romance. Chaol and Dorian are about as gay-coded as they could fucking get. And this isn’t even the only time this happens! Check this out:

“Dorian surged from his chair and dropped to his knees beside the bed. He grabbed Chaol’s hand, squeezing it as he pressed his brow against his. ‘You were dead,’ the prince said, his voice breaking. ‘I thought you were dead.’” (Queen of Shadows)

But wait, there’s more!

“‘I’m not leaving you. Not again.’

Dorian’s mouth tightened. ‘You didn’t leave, Chaol.’ He shook his head once, sending tears slipping down his cheeks. ‘You never left me.’” (Queen of Shadows)

I mean come on, Sarah!

Also, Manon. My girl Manon hated men, pretty explicitly, for the entire series. In case you don’t believe me:

“There were few sounds Manon enjoyed more than the groans of dying men.” (Heir of Fire)

Oh, and other characters even imply Manon has never had a heterosexual relationship in her fucking life. See:

“‘That golden-haired witch, Asterin...’ Aelin said. ‘She screamed Manon’s name the way I screamed yours. How can I take away somebody who means the world to someone else? Even if she is my enemy.’” (Queen of Shadows)

Tell me that’s not gay as fuck. I dare you.

Manon had a whole lot of love to give women! She was always affectionate towards other women. Particularly Elide. This is a woman who was about as lesbian as you could get. Had no interest in men, every interest in women, rejected typically expected roles for women (getting married and having kids, etc.) but guess what happened? Guess what fucking happened?

This warrior who was friends with and rode on a big fuckoff wyvern completely and totally submits to Dorian as her lover. I don’t mean that metaphorically. They literally do some BDSM shit where he’s her “master” and she “kneels to him” or whatever the fucking fuck. This entire thing pissed me off more than Chaol and Dorian being all “no homo bro,” because Maas used every possible symbol and subtext for Manon being gay, and then said “just kidding!” Her relationship with Dorian came out of nowhere. All of a sudden she was just as thirsty for mediocre dick as Aelin.

At this point I honestly have to wonder if Maas is really this ignorant or if she’s - dare I say it? - taunting her readers who have complained about the lack of LGBT+ representation. Maas has, historically, not reacted well to people criticizing her work. I would not put it beyond her at all to intentionally queer-code characters only to turn around and rip the rug out from under her readers by pairing them up in heterosexual relationships. And not only is that shitty writing, but it’s... really malicious and rude.

Of course then there’s the issues with racial representation. Again, Maas doesn’t even try. She includes 13 characters of color only to immediately kill off all of them in a suicide pact. So there’s that. Not sure I need to say more than that.

Maas knows what diversity is, but as per her famous quote, “I just don’t want to force diversity into my books.” So. Y’know. Writing a black or gay character (or!! God forbid, both black and gay!!) is asking a little too much of her, apparently. She doesn’t want to force anything as unbelievable as someone who isn’t white or straight, don’tcha know? In these books about fae people and dragons and gods fighting mortals and explicit erotica, an LGBT+ character or a character of color is high fantasy, not YA. *Sarcasm*

                                                        ************

Reason 5: The woman can’t write.

This is pretty straightforward. She cannot write. My proof? She plagiarizes the living fuck out of everything she can to avoid actually writing her own original work.

1. “You’re gonna rattle the stars.” - from Disney’s Treasure Planet

2. “The Queen Who Was Promised” - from GRRM’s ASOIAF, where Dany Targaryen is often toted as the exact same thing. Oh, and The Prince Who Was Promised prophecy in ASOIAF also mentions Azor Ahai being “the Heir of Fire” so, uh.... yeah.

3. Aelin basically being Aragorn. Lost royalty spends years as an outcast, denies their claim, teams up with elves (fae in Aelin’s case) to defeat a greater evil, becomes known as the people’s champion, falls in love with an elf (fae) and makes them their consort, crowned by the people, ends their coronation scene with a “you bow to no one” (I’m not kidding).

4. Nehemia dying for Aelin and it later being revealed that Nehemia was “grooming” Aelin to face great evil, and potentially give her life to stop it. How much you wanna bet Maas tried to give Aelin a name as close to “Harry Potter” as she could get?

5. Manon lighting a series of beacons across a mountain range to call for aid during war. I mean seriously? This is one of the most iconic scenes in Peter Jackson’s rendition of Lord of the Rings. It’s moving, it’s powerful, it’s awe-inspiring. And Maas knew it. So she just... took it. I don’t have a lot of respect for writers who can’t write their own moving scenes.

6. Kingsflame blossoms, which only bloom when the rightful monarch is on the throne. So... the White Tree of Gondor. Got it.

7. The Hand of the King being a royal court position. Like... jesus. GRRM, come get ya world-building, SJ stole it again.

8. A paralyzed Chaol has a specialized saddle made for him, because he wants more than anything to ride a horse again. GRRM! Please! She’s taking Bran Stark’s story now!

And besides all of these horribly plagiarized points, there’s nothing even slightly compelling about these books. There’s literally zero substance, and the last few books in both the ACOTAR and ToG series have been nothing but a smut-fest. Plot who? We don’t know her.

Trauma, both physical and mental, is erased at the drop of a dime (Aelin lost physical scars, Chaol’s paralysis was basically cured, series of events that should’ve left characters absolutely fucked just... didn’t phase them). The battles are rushed and sloppily written, and Maas has a particularly nasty habit of focusing on exactly the wrong people in the middle of what should be an action packed scene. Instead of showing alliances forging and plots being made behind people’s backs, instead of showing us people gearing up for battle by saying tearful goodbyes to their infants and spouses, Maas shows us Rowan and Aelin banging on a beach, or a tree, or a ship, or wherever the fuck they happen to be at that moment.

None of these characters lose jack shit. There is no sense of urgency or stakes, because we knew since Heir of Fire that Aelin and her precious uwu fae “mate” would be just fine. Why? Because nobody shipped Rowaelin as hard as Sarah Jane Maas did. Consistently the only people who suffer in these books are background characters (who, coincidentally, are almost always the characters of color and LGBT+ characters). By the end of Kingdom of Ash, literally everyone is fine. And paired off to be married, too! Because a happy ending isn’t a true happy ending if it doesn’t end with Babies Ever After and everyone in a heterosexual relationship, of course, right?

                                                        ***********

Reason 6: World-building doesn’t even go here! Sorry, she just wanted to be a part of something.

Maas’ world-building is... how do you say... shitty. New lore pops up in every book, having never been mentioned before, and is for some reason of utmost importance (but only for this book. It’ll be forgotten again as soon as it isn’t relevant). Religions who? Culture where? History what? None of these things exist in Maas’ world. None.

Now before anyone jumps down my throat with “but The World of Throne of Glass is coming out this year!!!1!1!!” let me gently establish something. Speaking as a fantasy author: if you do not have your most basic world-building - that being religion, culture, language, and history - already established, then you have no business making a “world of” book to cover all the bases your ass never bothered with in the original series.

I said what I said.

Tolkien and GRRM are masters of world-building because they spent decades working to forge their worlds before they ever put a pen to paper and wrote their stories. Not to toot my own horn, but my own fantasy series has been developing for almost 7 years now. What am I doing with it? I’m outlining governments in different societies, why people came to worship what they do, and I’m making a fucking world map on my bedroom floor (that now has cat paw prints on it, so it’s not exactly final product material anyway).

I give not a single hoot for Maas’ “The World of Throne of Glass.” She could be saying anything she wanted to and it would all just have to be canon, because she’s establishing what this world is after already finishing her series. Yes, it does piss me off, because it’s pretty obvious she didn’t have a clue what her world was, or who was who, or why things were the way they were. She made shit up as she went along, nothing more. There was no grand scheme. There was no planning, and it shows.

                                                       ***********

TL;DR: I have a lot of issues with Sarah J Maas’ writing, including her world-building and handling of diversity. But most of all I despise the potential impact she has on the YA genre and on the young girls reading her work. They deserve better than this. They deserve better than Sarah Jane Maas.

[readersguidetotheuniverse]

The Midnight Library, by Matt Haig

The Book of Regrets

Ariadna: I love how the author puts them down on paper —or on video, considering Hugo’s version of the library. Regretting past decisions is part of our human nature, and most of us live in societies that, even though improving, do not give much space for vulnerability and emotional talking. I found it very interesting how writing them down and reflecting —or acting, as Nora does— on them may help us improve, be more gentle and understanding with ourselves and, in turn, with others around us. I think it is a great symbol of how our regrets weigh us down and how we can deal with them in order to raise above them and grow.

Alicia: If I had in front of me a book of everything I regret and I had the chance to change things, would I? Yes. Hundred percent yes. Cause I am a very regretful person and I have done bad things, treated people badly and just fucked up in many many ways. So if I could I would change about a million things, no doubt. However, I don't have that book. And I can't change things from the past. I can only make sure I don't make the same mistakes in the future. Having regrets is natural but also a royal pain in the ass, pardon my French. I have had sleepless nights cause I remembered that one time I embarrassed myself in front of a guy I had a crush on when I was twelve. It sucks. And I'm slowly but steadily trying to come to an agreement with myself that everyone has done things they regret and it's okay, and I just have to move on. Hopefully one day I will fully embrace this thought.

Marina: I’d like to think everybody has a Book of Regrets, be it a literal book or an imaginary one. We all have made choices that we may regret later on in life even though we thought they were the right ones at the time. The fact that Nora sees them all in writing is, comprehensively, overwhelming; I too would feel pain if I were shown all my regrets in one sitting! But otherwise, it’s a way to show the character (as time goes on in the narrative) that she can overcome them, they were the choices that made her Nora, not Nora the swimmer, not Nora the singer, just Nora. And that’s what I take away from the book: life is not pretty and we may regret some choices, but in the end it’s what makes us real and how we got to this point in our lives, even if it’s not the best of times, we will endure.

The library/videoclub store/restaurant, etc (or why it changes from person to person)

Ariadna: At first, it seemed weird that there existed other versions of the «library». Don’t get me wrong; it seems very organic to me to start reading a book or a movie and being transferred to that particular life, I understand how that plain of existence shapes itself according to the psyche of the individual to accommodate them, make them feel secure, calm, at home, in a way. It just didn’t make sense that you ate spaghetti bolognese and were transported into a life in which you’ve moved to a small village in Tuscany and worked as a photographer in a vineyard state, for the lack of a better example.

Alicia: I think it was such a smart move to have different people go through the same thing but with a different setting to fit each individual's life. It made so much sense to me. Everyone goes through different experiences and feels attached to different things, so the most logical thing would be to have a specific setting for each person according to what they feel the most connected to. I like the library the most, especially because the idea of each life being a different book for you to read is fascinating. But I couldn't help imagining an infinite Blockbuster full of movies of your other lives and I love the concept as well. Now that I think about it, mine would probably be some kind of online streaming service. An afterlife Netflix of sorts.

Marina: I found this part very beautiful. The fact that it changes from person to person to best fit their personalities. I thought about what this in-between place would look like for me but I honestly couldn’t come up with anything! There’s not a place that I associate with complete and utter happiness. I have been happy in many places and sad in many others, so to choose just one is very difficult for me. 

The ending (it cuts abruptly)

Ariadna: Suffering mental illnesses myself, the ending pissed me off. It is predictable, clichéed and plainly boring. Too “feel-good” for me. I think Matt Haig, having suffered depression too himself, could have taken the opportunity to dwell on real ways to deal with this kind of mental illnesses, instead of creating an imaginary place after commiting suicide where you are given a magical second chance (or third, or fourth, or twentieth). This is straightforwardly triggering and naive and does not give much other message than “you just wait, some day you’ll reach rock bottom and suddenly, if you don’t die, you will be awarded a magical 180 degree turn in your life and everything will be better in a split second”. I get it, he wants to highlight how seeing things from different perspectives may help, but that’s not the way to do it, not at all. I think you already got how pissed I am, so I’m leaving it here.

Alicia: The ending was pretty predictable, some parts of it. For me, at least. But still I liked it. Being a person suffering from anxiety and a bit of depression I know it's not that easy and nice and cute. But, at the end, it's a book and it's fiction and I'm not going to try to solve my life with it. What I took from all the lives and the ending is that there are always going to be regrets, no life is perfect, thinking about what could have happened doesn't help anything. Nora realizes what she wants in her life, what she misses, what she did wrong and works to fix that and be nicer to the people around her. I think it's a nice take. Realistic? Probably not. Depression is not gonna just leave. But I think it's quite optimistic and hopeful and that's not always a bad thing.

Marina: To be completely honest I expected how the book would end from pretty much the beginning. So the fact that it ends where and when it does did not surprise me much. I think Matt Haig  could have done a better job. Talking about it with Ariadna and Alicia we have come to the same conclusion: how does Nora deal with her depression? Does she all of a sudden get cured? Or does she still have mental health problems from time to time? It would have been a better ending if it addressed some of those issues but overall it was expected that it wouldn’t.

Mrs. Elm

Ariadna: We all tend to idealise people who do us good or help us in hard times, specially as children. If we are to recall them, we remember them wiser, warmer, prettier... Imho, the library version of Mrs. Elm is an idealisation of the real Mrs. Elm. Being the only supporting adult in her childhood, more specifically, when her father died, Nora considered her a reference, an idol, if you want, so her mind has idealised her like some sort of a gurú or wisewoman. I would have loved to see how, meeting her again in real life, Nora could pinpoint the differences between them and acknowledge that even her young days’ idol has flaws and is a human being like any other. In the end, we tend to love people more because they’re flawed that we would if they were perfect.

Alicia: I think we all have met someone at some point that we looked up to. That person doesn't have to be perfect, or the smartest, or the best person out there. Probably we don't even know that person fully well. But for some reason we find comfort in them, we feel safe. The Mrs Elm from the library and the real Mrs Elm are not the same person. Sometimes we create a mental picture of people that doesn't 100% match with reality, but that doesn't mean it's not true for us. Real Mrs Elm said she was a bad wife and not a good mother, she maybe wasn't the person Nora thought she was, but she was still kind to her and took care of her when she needed it the most. Everyone can make mistakes sometimes but some things can't be faked, like true kindness. Maybe it's a bit naive of me, but I think mistakes can be forgiven if the person really is pure of heart. I think these kinda people are rare. At least, I haven't found many. (Truth be told I tend to easily see the bad in people so I am not the greatest example here). I think that in my library I would find a literature professor I had in my freshman year of college. I rarely talked to him outside of class, and if I did it was barely greeting in hallways, but I admired him so much and I felt at peace when I listened to him speak. I think he would be my Mrs Elm.

Marina: The differences for me are obvious: Mrs Elm in real life is a person, just another normal human being with problems and regrets. Her library counterpart, however, is just an entity that guided Nora through her regrets and helped her “overcome” them. So, in a way, we could theorize that the Mrs Elm in the library is really Nora’s own conscience trying to help her through her mental state.

Quantum theory or the multiverse

Ariadna: I love the idea of the multiverses (who doesn’t, after the whole MCU multiverse, timeline altering mumbo jumbo), of how a single minor decision can change your life drastically. I found it somehow inspiring and terrifying at the same time. It is scary to consider the power every little decision has in your life, how it can turn your life upside down but, at the same time, it offers billions of possibilities, it encourages you to try, to get past the infamous Book of Regrets, for you never know if a «bad decision» could have turned otherwise even more awful than what you think is your life now. It’s all about perspective.

Alicia: I am completely enthralled by the concept of the multiverse and also confused as heck. I am not one for science so really specific explanations just sound like gibberish in my mind, but the idea of an infinite number of universes existing simultaneously blows my mind. I keep seeing it in movies and TV shows and I fall for it every single time. At the same time, it stresses me out a little bit. It makes me wonder what I am doing differently in those other universes, am I happier? Am I successful? What if in one universe I worked harder or wasn't as picky and I managed to get a job I truly enjoy? What if I moved to a different city like I have always wanted to? What if I wasn't as afraid of living...

Marina: I geeked out a bit, not gonna lie, when Hugo explained the whole quantum theory of the multiverse. I’d like to think there’s one Marina out there that, for example, knows how to speak perfect Chinese; or runs marathons every year  (though that would be very hard!); or dresses like a hipster or a million other things. I do believe that every choice we make turns into a different reality; but, just the same as it creates a new universe, it makes me who I am. It makes me the woman that writes about books for fun, that likes to have dinner with her friends and get a little tipsy on one cocktail or too shy to talk to anyone but will power through a public talk because she is also a bit of a badass (if I do say so myself ;P). And even though I get sad sometimes because I regret some choices I made, in the end, it brought me here and I have to believe it’s where I am meant to be. I sound way more chipper about it than I actually am sometimes… I mean, I do try to look on the bright side as often as I can!

Nora’s “perfect” life and why she didn’t choose it

Ariadna: Maybe you’ll call me spoilsport, but I think nobody gets their real “perfect” life, that it does not truly exist, because then accomplished turns out to be underwhelming. I think that’s what happened to Nora, why she couldn’t stay in that fairytale version of her life: because she was, in some way, bored. She had everything she ever wanted, therefore, she had nothing to really fight for, nothing to make her life motivating and interesting. I think, in the end, life is just the not-so-perfectly balanced mix of good and bad times, successes and failures. If all we did was win, we would end up not valuing the successes and living a bland, boring life. I think one of the main morals of this book is precisely to learn how to value good and bad times equally, to learn to find the good in the seemingly awful and the bad in the seemingly perfect to find the right in between.

Alicia: I knew quite early on that she'd end up going back to her original life, I think it was quite predictable and expected. However, that didn't stop me wishing she decided to stay in her 'perfect life' with Molly and Ash. Mostly cause I was rooting for her and that happy ending she seemed so desperate to find, and this seemed to be it. She could finally be with someone good who loved her, have a loving family, a good relationship with her brother, have a nice career in philosophy... it was just perfect, but it wasn't hers. And being honest, I also wouldn't want to live another life that wasn't mine. Even if it belongs to myself from another universe, it is still not mine to live. I rather have a life in which everything I have, I earned.

Marina: We all would love to have that “perfect” life, or what we think is a perfect life, right? To have a bigger house, a nicer car, a sexier body, or whatever you think “perfect” means. But not many people can say they actually live their perfect life. Nora gets that choice and, as I think many of us would realize,  it’s not altogether what she imagined. Yes, she gets the guy; yes, she gets a great daughter that loves her, but is she happier there than she was in her crappy apartment with her crappy job and her cat? In a way, I guess, but ultimately no. She is aware that this is not the life she created for herself, nor the life she will get to live. I feel like this would happen to all of us if we had the opportunity to live our “perfect” lives, we would get everything we wanted but at what cost? What did we sacrifice to get there? Would it be a price worth paying? As the Stones say: “You can't always get what you want / But if you try sometimes, well, you might find / You get what you need”.

[jaywhitecotton]

Fuck Elvis

I used to play this terrible game with some monstrous friends at karaoke shows. It was all based on how Michael Jackson died at the right time and if he molested just one more kid we’d be screwed out of decades of music and nostalgia.

We’d then apply other artists to this molestation scale. Like if MJ set the standard at say 7 known kids we’re pretty sure he finger banged, how many could say Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler get away with?

Turns out - it’s one. One for sure, but I’m pretty sure there would have to be at least three before we as a society are willing to let go of Dream On or Bruce Willis’s meteor sacrifice.

Bob Dylan? So hard. Old white NPR people would blame the motorcycle accident and give up everything after to protect his earlier legacy, but comparing Michael Jackson to Bob Dylan’s importance? He’s got to be able to molest as many - if not three more kids - than the King of Pop, right? I mean Jewish or not, he is still white so that has to give him the edge over Jacko in what he can get away with.

Anyhoo

Comics have been acting like comedy has been bringing “truth to power!” and patting themselves on the back, but thirty years of Michael Jackson jokes couldn’t do what one documentary has done.

Proving if you really want any justice these days, you need to first invest in some production value and an editor who knows how to make criminal acts look especially bad.

The reactions are pouring in and people are very conflicted. Many questioning whether or not it’s ok to like an artist because of their lurid personal life.

Look, can we come to a consensus on just one thing?

Human beings have been giant flesh bags of hot garbage since the very beginning of our upright existence. We started out so bad, we’re not even sure of what are real beginnings were actually like.

And its not even people that are the worst either. Look at life itself.

Nature is gruesome and horrifying! Every nature documentary is inherently a horror movie missing the scary cello mood music. If you knew how much ducks gang-raped in real life you would burn any remanence of all those duck-themed shows from the 90’s.

Even the creation of space and time was the result of a destructive explosion that shit us out into the nothingness of space.

Disagree? Thinks humans are great? Cool. Keep in mind a lot of people watched a movie about a guy who sexually abused children and their first thought was “Can I still grab my dick and effeminately scream ‘ohhhhh’ whenever it gets super windy? Because I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t do that!”

To me anytime a person does something exceptional - THAT should be the thing that is celebrated. Like “Wow, you overcame being a piece of shit and had a moment of triumph for our species, well done ya piece of shit!”

Thomas Jefferson and the Declaration of Independence, Gandhi and Civil Disobedience, Beethoven’s 9th have all stood the test of time and those acts are worthy of praise.

Are we going to really miss Ignition (remix)?

I’m not saying any of these people’s flaws should be ignored, but seriously - there were plenty of slave fuckers, wife abusers, and piss-on-tweeners out there who not only did that shit - but didn’t even have the decency to form an experimental democratic republic placing power in the hands of the people, much less write a catchy tune.

We have got to start holding a higher standard for what we consider legit and meaningful art.

Is Trapped in the Closet really an achievement for humanity? Is the cinematic legacy of Space Jam ruined by the tainting of I Believe I Can Fly?

Was American Beauty and House of Cards our civilization’s finest cinematic moments? Has there been nothing else to watch?

Can we no longer backwards slide dance at house parties because a guy who dressed like a sequined private eye slept with kids?

I’m not saying you can’t still enjoy those things, or even question your feelings about them. I’m saying don’t make those things more important than they actually are. You can both think an actor should be castrated and get lost in visualized fiction.

Just as easily as you can decide to never watch again. It’s all disposable.

To me the real crime is needing a movie like American Beauty to be the pinnacle of human achievement because you got your first handy in the theater when it came out or whatever.

Not that anyone is exactly saying that, but you big bad wolves get my straw house point.

What is the value of achievement? How do we measure what’s important? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s what the consensus decides should stay. Maybe it’s the individual.

Sometimes it feels like a lot of our general arguments are between the perspectives of group thinking socialists versus self-motivated libertarians. Maybe they’re both right, I guess it depends on the situation.

Personally I think most the arguments about entertainers matters most to the people who have a vested interest in brands and making it in the ‘look at me’ industry.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m in the thick of it having done music and standup most of my life and have the same guttural need for a stranger’s approval, but sometimes I feel surrounded by people who treat every moment of their lives like a biopic. Selling themselves on social media as if they’re the subject of their own Rolling Stone exposé.

People who define themselves by the most disposable of expressions and since trying to be good and known is so difficult, decided it’s easier to just simulate success instead of working harder on the mediums.

You know, frauds.

I’m surrounded by a generation of ‘fake it til you make it’ personalities who thrive on all the shit I find utterly useless, meaningless and the worst crime - boring.

Entrepreneurs in narcissism who communicate through gossip and trade in brand expression, littering the artistic landscape with recycled lateral thinking dog turds.

It’s exhausting,debilitating, and absolutely the future as AI replaces our normal careers, forcing all of us into becoming Instagram models and Influencers.

And everyday I have to have deep sobering introspection trying to figure out if I’m not equally culpable in this terrible trap of meaningless thinking.

Not that there’s anything wrong with meaningless. Not everything has to have as everlasting an impact as Ode to Joy.

I mean really, what actually matters if we all die and whatever impact we had becomes erased regardless of whether or not it takes years, months, days or even minutes after we are laid into the ground?

Most of everyone who has been born has meant nothing and left no trace or measurement that they even existed at all. Think of all the stillborn babies who didn’t even get the chance.

Nature the cold hearted bitch strikes again!

People call me jaded and bitter for these thoughts, but I promise you - I hold no anger or selfish need to compensate my own lacking by exclaiming ‘people are mostly shit and none of this will stand the test of time’. I’m very fun at parties.

It’s just the people desperate to matter that think reality is inherently mean.

Celebrate the achievement not the person, but also - let’s not over inflate the achievement to validate our own petty need for someone to hear our folk song about getting a handy while watching American Beauty or whatever.

A quick story.

One of the most talented people I ever met was a dude from Philly named Perone.

Perone played bass and was known across the city as being this incredible player who for some reason just never found a project he clicked with.

I met him when I was 18 and homeless, living in a 24 hour diner he waited tables at. Everyone loved this dude and for some reason he took care of me. Hooking up free salads, sodas, bread. He was the coolest dude I ever met.

I was learning guitar and we both loved 70’s soul and blues music so we’d jam together which in hindsight was wild.

I had no fucking idea what I was doing and yet here was this genius jamming patiently along.

Teaching me without putting in a show that he was actually teaching me, if that makes sense?

Was he perfect? No. Not at all. He was charismatic as fuck, but obviously weighted down with some demons.

The weirdest thing I could say about him - and I don’t know how to even properly frame this was - he used to draw on bed sheets.

For years he had a dream about a woman he never met and would paint her face on the bed sheets and attach lyrics to songs he was writing next to her face. These sheets hung all over his walls.

Keep in mind he was living with a girl at the time. He had a kid, yet here were all these sheets dedicated to a fictional white woman he was obsessed with, hung like championship banners across his entire two bedroom apartment.

My last conversation with Perone was perfect. I sat strumming his guitar while he smoked meth out of a can of Pepsi, telling me how Michael Jackson was the King.

Every click of the lighter, every inhale and exhale would punctuate just how much Michael Jackson meant to the world and music.

How Motown celebrated their 25th anniversary with a tv special and Michael Jackson came out and destroyed with the moonwalk.

“Dude, (click) black people loved Michael (inhale). White people loved Michael. (exhale)Young people loved Michael. (cough) Old people loved Michael. (click) None of this race or generation shit mattered. (inhale) It was because of the music and HE did that. (exhale) He bridged everything together in that one moment. (violent cough) Michael Jackson is and will always be the King. (click) Fuck Elvis.”

That was twenty years ago. I have no idea if he’s still alive, earned a living with his music or met the woman he’d dreamt and painted for years. Or if instead he succumbed to meth, took his own life and or manages an Olive Garden.

I don’t know and I don’t have to. I miss him and appreciate the things we shared that mattered and helped me grow as a person, but that’s all it ever will be.

Let justice be done and handled by those involved in their situation and value only the things and constructs that have some permanence or growth in your own life.

Either way you will still die, and wether it’s alone and forgotten or if it takes centuries for people to forget you were a miserable deaf cunt who wrote some sweet jams - you’ll eventually be nothing.

Fuck Elvis.

[thekillerqueen1945-blog]

I AM THE FUTURE YOU

CHAPTER 1                        

  The Genesis

To think about the unthinkable we need to transcend the reality. To understand the future, we are obliged to understand the past. I am going to show all your flaws, failures, uprisings and falls. I am the one, that saw it all. Still, I am not the creator; I am not the creation, merely the reflection of the creation-you and the world around you. The way you reflect this creation is the direct reflection of your inner world which resides in one's soul. It is something old and beautiful within you that yearns for knowledge, but it is still young enough to love another body of the mortal.

 Every story, every tale has its origin, it is its personal Genesis. Therefore does yours and so do mine. Both stories are connected, both are merged. To understand one you need to know the other. That is the key. I will confess the story of the essential core of my being, by retelling your story of humanity. This way by painting the story of you, the fragile, mortal humans of Earth, I will reveal mine. You falling creatures that think of yourselves above everything else. You believe of yourselves as the masters of ground you live on. You have forgotten how small and insignificant you genuinely are in the vast of the Universe and its many inhabitants. There are many more creations than a bubble you live in. Some above, some below, some small like a pocket, some, even bigger than your limited brains can comprehend. I would need an endless number of pages and an infinite amount of hours to write about every single universe, for they are infinite, and as they are, so am I. I know that by now you are eager, like a sponge that  absorbs the water, to collect all the features I have about those universes. Humanity is a bit like a sponge; development consumes the existence.  Mankind tends to blend all the experience, but not to develop its spiritual value and intellectual reality but to bust false ego and show of the doubtful virtue. Then, slowly but firmly like the sponge saturated with dust, it leaves stains wherever thou go, but unlike the sponge that leaves pinches on food and drink, humanity neglects behind its wars, death and ruin. You weren't always like that, weren't you?

 Science says that it all begins with cells, atoms and subatomic particles. You know that story or should I assume hypothesis, right. The Big Bang Theory, the creation of the first cell, Darwin's theory of evolution and all such. It goes something like this:

 The time beings. The universe goes to superfast "inflation" from the size of an atom to the size of an orange or grapefruit in 10-43 seconds. Could you imagine a world shaped like a grapefruit or like an orange? It indeed was like that, although I did not know how the orange or the grapefruit looked like at the very moment. But that orange was in great nothingness or in some vast black space. It was more like a sandwich, and other universes were tranquil below and above, old and huge, while yours was like a little seed planted and ready to eventually grow in a big old oak tree.

 Before anything happened, there was nothing. Then Nothing spoke: "Who am I ?"

From the question, that reecho the nothingness, three powerful entities were created. Infinity, Time and Death – all the reflections of Nothing were born or should I say re-born. They were eager to answer the question that Nothing claimed. “You are a horizontal line between what is expected to be said and what is told," spoke Infinity quietly.

" You are a light glimpse between the two infinities." contradicted Time

"You are both wrong. Nothing is between the end and the beginning." cold voice of the youngest of all charged emptiness with its sound of Death.

Nothing listened to each of them and then spoke  “Infinity is between what is meant to be said and what is said. Time is a little glimpse between eternities. And Death, death is a force between the end and the new beginning. How then, I can be what you all are !?"

 The three entities were at the lack of words, speechless at the moment of time. And in that breathless conversation, Silence was born. It is not known how long Silence was wrapped around them, it does not know when the game occurs, in the past present or the future. But one thing is for sure, I know that I am a part of the event, and so is each one of you.  There is likely a problem hereabouts in the time and place that your little, weak mortal brains cannot comprehend.  

 Silence finally broke with the warm and loud voice, that ecocide through all the praise it.

“ Nothing is everywhere. Nothing is everyone.”

“I do not understand what you mean Voice.”

“What I am saying is that Everything is Nothing and Nothing is Everything. All of us is everything” spoke the Voice calmly.

“Who are you ?" asked Nothing by slightly confused voice.

“I am the Creator. Everything, like you, is as well" answered the Voice.

“Everything…” whispered Nothing and went into soundlessness again.

 At the same moment when Nothing whispered, life begins, and the story started to unravel.

 What if I say that your universe is just the particle trickle of the dew on the edge of the yeard in the world within the creation inside the universe. Contemplate it or not the revelation is clear like that. You are very, very small, but you are still the piece of the Creator, part of Infinity, and part of everything.

The Big bang is, by the scientists of your civilisation, the origin of your universe, and your fragment. But the real birth was far more before. My siblings and I watched above you, change within you under the vigilant eyes of parents Time, Infinity and Death. Offcourse that we did not just stand here and watched you, we had intervened in your life when necessary, but all history was just too dull at the end. We talk, we ask questions, and we try to answer them. We are not the all-knowing and all-powerful, after all.

 We did not speak at the beginning.

Our infinite conversation started with the wise words of Father Time.

 “ Humans are travellers on the cosmic journey, the stardust dancing in the whirlpool of the infinity. Life is normal. They just stopped for the moment to love, to encounter each other, to share. It is a precious moment, a little timeless stand in the eternity."

 Now you can see how the actual version of the creation happened, it consists of many parts, and it is one of the ingredients of all religious forms and scientific beliefs.

 “People are just boring, weak waves of peace of the Stardust, why did you mention them Father?" questioned curious Life.

"Because we are all underbelly connected. We are all one." was the reply.

"Although we are all one, some of us are more honoured than the other. For example, human beings love Life and hate you Death." Life considerately mocked Death.

"Did you ever wonder why?" asked Death, slowly getting closer.

"No, but..." Life was abruptly interrupted by the Death " Because you are a beautiful lie, and I am the uninvadable ugly truth."

"Nevertheless " obviously intimidated by the Death, " I wonder how this insignificant humanity was created, how their world came to be? " asked Life.

  At that moment I find an excuse to speak myself.

" I know, I know exactly what happened. I can describe the story if nobody minds." I hinted enthusiastically.

" All right, my dear. Reveal us the story and soothe down" soft and gently continue the Time.

" So, the first moment that ever happened was something like the Big Bang, the voice of the dark matter that caused everything " I began my story of Genesis.

"So what happened next ?" required Life rolling its eyes.

“Next thing that happened, after the Big Bang, stands at around 10-32 seconds. Post expansion and the universe is the boiling, hot soup.”

Of course, it is not made of tomato of vegetables, since the plants were created billions of years after.  I smile shyly " It was a soup of electrons and additional scraps."

I have maintained the story by not minding the Life”s random remarks

“Scientists would love to sip the soup, I mean they spent an entire lifetime following tiny atoms and cells by the heart of the scope, but basically they are missing the bigger picture. “ Life bonded now more into the story.

“Correct, that big picture is the one I am trying to paint. Although contrary to popular belief, I am a pitiful artist. " I replied smiling widely, “ Now we are going to the last part of the very first time of the creation. The importance of this situationcontinues in a reduction of the temperature, that caused the quark[1] taste to milk. That was how the first noble moment of the universe was designed.”  

 “ The first birthday of the universe.

 Happy Birthday to you.

 Happy Birthday to you.

 Happy Birthday, Dear Universe.

 Happy Birthday to you” responded Life joyfully.

 “After that initial, first bit, the universe started to celebrate anniversary less often ending with its birthday every couple of billions of years. Regardless of it all, I count, notice and always recorded every moment in time, every moment of each of the infinite number of the universes.  You may think of me as a colossal nerd,  OCD person or a creeper, but believe me, I am more powerful than you could ever grasp. You should fear me, dread me and I consider that you already do." I spoke, more to humanity than to family.

" But as I told you before, the more you know about yourself, the more you will know about me."

"Yea, yeah. You are so scary; I think I faint" performed Life.

 After the first celebration in honour of the universe, we will jump on the moment that was tiny but yet important.  That was the 3rd minute of the creation. The temperature was still high108 ° C, and everything was boiling. It was too stuffy for electrons and protons to form fragments. Therefore they blocked light from glowing.

 I recall the flash with melancholy

" If you are truly curious about this, and I know that some of you are, you can examine some specialists or sages; they will probably reply to you in such manner that you will be confused and lost in version. Although I know that many, if not all of those ones are faulty."

I went through questions of why and how that is followed. " What happened next, after the universe became the superhot mist?”

“The Mist! Such an exciting and mysterious word, even for the soul as old as me. Mist are everywhere around as in the air, in songs, poems, books, as below us and above as well.”

I replied and immediately started to recall memories. “ It is a state in between reality and fiction, a realm between light and dark, a kingdom between life and death. It is around even when you can't see it.”

 “Humans fear of mist, they don't realise that it is necessary to remind themselves that all of the life is not what happens in front of the noses or their sights.  They do not perceive that hope they clasp on in the darkest of ties, hides in the mist. The life opportunities are brought by a bit of the spray of the uncertainty. People do not see that they have to walk through the foggy haze to change and whether the change is good or bad is not defined by itself but by a person and its choices wise and stupid ones. Listen to my advice, and do not let agony, regret, fear or depression to make you blind to the fact that every new day and every new moment carries whit in the abundance of opportunities to move your life in the direction right for you, in the mist you live paths. Most of the forms live in a cloudy fog. It's like a vivid book, and you like the character swiftly set in it, but you do not question the mist around it. You know that something important is going on, but you just can't figure out the scheme. You don't know what part is supposed to play or what the story is actually about. You just stand there like a puppet waiting for a puppeteer, lost in the mist of your own confusing thoughts within the more significant vapour. " Death spoke its gruff monologue.

 “ Do not let your life to be like that, don't just eat, sleep, procreate in that marathon by no finish line, whit no cheering, whit no witnesses, just a  no-end line within you …  " Infinity stopped to catch a breath or two and then finished,  "Find the purpose for your travelling, find the meaning in your experiences. Trust me. Beyond the cloud always lies simplicity, just as there is the light in the clarity.”

 “The proper order of the Things are often a complex mystery, is it not? Infinity gave us quite a lot to consider at and reflect about, right?" I was thinking loudly, “While you think and reflect on complexity; I will continue my tale.”

 It was 300 000 years after the creation of time in your worldly measurements. The temperature fell down; electrons are finally connected with protons and neutrons in fragment structure, mostly hydrogen and helium. Since light can finally shine, the sightseeing scene was more vivid, at that moment.

 “ It is striking how the light cast the dark abyss, is it not?” was my question for mostly myself again. “ However, as long as there is a light, there shall be darkness in coexistence.”  

 Darkness is always before the light, steadily waiting to come, no matter how fast light shall travel. Many do not see the lasting bond between this couple.

 “How would anyone classify the light if did not saw darkness first?” I was asking a question again, and again, “ And how would anyone know what the secrecy of knowledge is if it did not dare to shine?”

 If you ponder about this on the individual level, your mind begins to experience itself as never did before. All the uniqueness about it is survival on the fragile line between light and shadow, the Sun and the Moon, night and dawn. Each force is consist of both flash and cryptic, the question is, how much of which you will let out? While these two forces continue to twist, fight and shape, other significant events took place in the universe, and something rose to exist for the first time.  

 When the temperature was around -200° C, and after 1 billion of earthly years the scene was cold and dry. Gravity made hydrogen and helium gases blend to form the giant vapours that will create future galaxies; smaller clumps of gas collapse to build the first stars.

 I continued with this story, rapidly and enthusiastically as the very first time…

"It is exciting how much of time is necessary for the Star to be formed. In the past, people were hugely dependent on stars, its radiant light and scene on the night sky. As time passed, the people appear to forget the importance of cosmic fragments and the appreciation of their beauty has faded. Everybody believes that stars are leaders of the light and solicitudes of darkness while many are blinded to the fact that both are nothing more but the slaves of his or her own desires and fusses, torn continuously between demons and angels, chained for internity in delusion made by themselves in the fear from the truth."

 Now it was, apparently, turn for the Time to be wise and speak.

“One part of the truth is that everything starts to exists will eventually stop to exist. Stars arrived, and stars will die. That happened around 15 billion years after the Great beginning. Galaxies group together under the gravity force and the first star casts lapse and eject the heavy elements into time and space. First, dead star fall was magnificent,  and remains will eventually settle into the new star, planet and therefore to new creation and/or civilisation. That is how the entire cosmic system, planet Earth and every single piece of the human body o was created from the first carbon waste."

 Can you imagine? Your bones and flash, all you can witness around were originated from the dust of dying stars, from the cloud that lives in you like a singular part of life itself. It sounds dramatic and dark, somehow forbidden to comprehend. Life is sprouting from the earth of the death! It is interesting how one think about both, but distinctly and I wonder when those two went different ways in mind of comprehension. Why many fear death and eventually forget how to live, and at the same time all are born from clouds, ashes and remains. Such a significant disadvantage in life to vanish before real death happens at all.

 As I already mentioned life, let me tell you how life on Earth was created.

“All living things possess carbon within them. In light of this, Earth needed to have a vast supply of carbon to supply a rich diversity of life. The carbon was available due to the violent nature of the Erath at the beginning, when volcanoes spewed various elements into the Earth's atmosphere. Since other elements were present as well, many chemical reactions started to take the place which resulted in the creation of various new features and the compounds. One of those created compounds were the building blocks of the protein, small, simple and not diversified. There and then the early sign of life on Earth inhabited the sea and absorbed the organic material created by the reactions of Earth at the time (i.e. the creation of amino acids). The building blocks formed first bioorganisms and also acted as a food source to them. It is the common belief that from this point forward, in the science universe, of course, the evolution took place. There are many other scientific theories of the genesis,  on life on Earth, and I won't tell you more, nor I will tell you which one is correct. Your belief is your choice, although, all of them might be incorrect at the end what life is but a constant questioning of basic or advanced settings?”A plant that is incapable of synthesising its own organic carbon-based compounds from inorganic sources, hence, feeds on organic matter produced by, or available in, other bodies. Heterotrophs are the consumers in the food chain, mainly the herbivores, carnivores and omnivores. All mammals, some fungi and most bacteria are heterotrophs. They are not capable of producing their own food. Therefore, they obtain their energy requirements by feeding on organic matter or another organism. One lives on others death, so it was necessary to label and form to each of those two paths in our memory since it seems smart at the moment.An organism is a heterotroph if it obtains its carbon from organic compounds. If it obtains nitrogen from organic compounds but not energy, it is still considered an autotroph (such as carnivorous plants).Organisms that obtain carbon from organic compounds may either be: photoheterotrophs or chemoheterotrophs. 

In general, organisms in the evolutionary chain became more involved in their nature, i.e. the first organisms were likely.

“You know how they say life goes from A to D. From the birth to the death. And what is C then? C is the choice. Life is full of choices, many paths you can follow ar even make new ones. Decisions are significant and essential as for example will the war happen or not, or minor and everyday as will you continue to read this book or not. " interpreted Life in the manner of a Zen master.

 Besides this scientific and objectively accurate view of the genesis of the life on the Erath, there is religious view as well. And there the God exists, maybe even more Gods or some kind of higher power occupied continuously in the manner. In Christianity and Hebrew culture, there is a book in the Old Testament called The book of the Genesis in which is described how God created the Earth life.

 Genesis 1:26 “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.

4 God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness.

5 God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

27 So God created mankind in his own image,

in the image of God, he created them;

male and female he created them.

…God saw all that he had made, and it was perfect. And there was an evening, and there was morning—the sixth day. “  

 “Almost everyone knows this story from the Bible.”  Life said acting like the drama queen.

“I mean, we witness Bible being written and it was not so interesting and amazing as humans and you, obviously, make it be."  

 There are many more stories, myths and legends of the creation of mankind. In Vedas is said that there are 4 yugas as 4 big time laps - Satya Yuga, Treta Yuga, Dvapara Yuga and Kaliyuga. We are now in 4th lap or Kaliyuga. And then when a white incarnation of the Lord destroys the Erath, and its last time lap the cycle will repeat.  4 Yugas create one Divya-Yuga – 4.32 million human years. 71 Divya – yuga creates one Manvantra- 306.32 million human years. 14 Manvantras creates one Kalpa or one day of Brama - 4.32 billion years. 36 000 Kaplas and same amounts of the nights create the life of Brahma- around 311.04 trillion human years. The universe begins within the 1st  day of Brahma and ends with last night.

Everything is created by the supreme being- Lord Visnu. This is a simple and very brief summary of Genesis in Vedas.

 If you desire to know more about all, take a risk in accepting your modern technology or big old books, little humans.

Think a little bit more. If you try to connect those stories and myths, it all fits just like the puzzle. Of course, you have to distinguish which ones are real and which fake. It makes sense, does it? All facts science proclaimed also could have happened. The Big Bang could be very well the beginning of the first day of Brahma. Interesting, right?  

 I was finishing the tale “Remember what I said before. Everything that is born will die. So will you, and so will your universe.”

 Do not worry about me. I shall exist, till the end of the time.

 "Can we just stop with the conversation for now and concentrate on watching humans. You are becoming more boring than them" Life spoke turning its back from one.

"All right, my child" confidently said the Time, knowing it has Infinity to always back him up.

" Do not be so full of your self, Life?" said Infinity, but Life never listened.

    Time never stops, never changes or waits for everyone.

It last forever.

It moves in eternity.

It teaches everyone what really matters!

[financiallymint]

Students, Please Take a Gap Year

Tired of college? Take a gap year

Yes I know, a gap year is traditionally known as a gap between high school and college. But more and more often now, people are taking gap years in the middle of their college years and before getting a job. I think it’s pretty awesome (yes I did take a gap year).

So what exactly do I mean by gap year? No matter when you’re taking it, it normally involves not studying for one entire academic year. This means you have one year to go out and experience the world. Some people go to a completely different country to work, some go traveling, some do volunteering, etc. It varies from person to person; you choose to what to do for an entire year!

Gap years shake you up a bit. They throw you into the real world, into a world where Mum and Dad aren’t always there to fix your problems and help you meet people. A world where you have to feed yourself, wash your own laundry and find a place to live. An exciting first step into the adult world.

Here are some other reasons every student should take a gap year:

It’s a break from studying

You’ve just spent around 13-18 years sat on a chair staring at a wall. It’s time for some movement. And I don’t mean getting up at 6 am to go for a hike – I mean getting out there. Getting out of your comfort zone and leaving your house, your town and even your country behind.

Studying hardens the mind. You get accustomed to learning through books, lectures and tutorials. You believe that there is one way to study and educate yourself and that’s what will get you your degree, your job and your future. Well nope. Education doesn’t just come from books, it also comes from people, from culture, from places. And taking a gap year helps you realise that there is a lot more to life than just studying and working.

You get to see the real world  

My trip to China was the first time I ever left Europe. At first I was extremely excited: I was finally free and traveling the world. Then I got to China –  everyone looked different, no one spoke English and I knew nobody. For the first time, I got scared. Fast forward 5 months and I made an amazing group of friends, spoke a bit of Chinese and had could use chopsticks like a ninja.

What I’m saying is that a gap year that throws you into another culture is the best way to get a good look at what the ‘real world’ is and compare it to your own culture. It’s like a reality wake up call.

Wait, not everyone eats with knives and forks? And not everyone cares about the Holocaust (there are Nazi symbols everywhere in China)? And people earn that amount of money in the corporate world?

When you start to understand that different people live in different ways, you realise you don’t have to be like everyone back home. You realise that you don’t even have to follow society’s standards if you don’t want to. Reality is that everyone’s different, and there is no ‘right’ way to live.

This is great help if you do your gap year after college – it will give you more ideas on your future, what you see yourself doing for the next 5 years and what it is you actually enjoy doing.

Develop cool skills

Not only could you learn a new language and some cultural knowledge, but learn some great social skills.

Before my gap year I was this shy, insecure girl who had a lot of pent up frustration, sadness and ignorance inside of her. I had no idea what I was doing, what I wanted to do, what was right and what was wrong. During my gap year I learnt how to talk to strangers, how to make good friends and survive completely on my own.

Moving to another country to work/travel/volunteer helps you build the skill of adaptation, of coping with language barriers and making new friends. You need to learn how to deal with this new currency, new living arrangements and different type of work. You suddenly realise you need to go out there and meet people. At first it’s scary, but then you realise that they’re just like you: trying to make friends.

This helps build confidence. You know how to talk to strangers, how to have a conversation and build a relationship. A very valuable skill, no matter which degree or job you’re going into.

Learn about the stranger

Who’s the stranger? You.

I knew nothing about myself before taking a gap year. I didn’t care, I didn’t want to know, a part of me was even slightly ashamed I existed. Traveling and working for one year taught me more about myself than the 17 years of my life.

Why? You learn how you respond to different situations and how you deal with them. You learn what kind of people you’re attracted to, what you appreciate in a culture and what gets you excited. And best of all, you learn what you want/need to improve on. ‘Oh, so I get awkward talking to other young people on planes. Next plane ride, I’m doing it!’

All these years of school separates the student from their identity. Too many times you’re just a number, a person who will get x grades and will graduate on x year to then go and work at x job. But you’re much more than that; you’re someone who has thoughts, opinions, ideas and dreams. And taking that gap year will help you develop those.

I didn’t know I was into finance until someone I met in Shanghai recommended me a book (Rich Dad Poor Dad), which I then read in one night and immediately proceeded to change my life. What if I hadn’t gone to Shanghai? What if I hadn’t taken a gap year? This website wouldn’t exist, and neither would many of my current ambitions.

And you know how important it is to get to know yourself: you are the person who will be getting a job! You are the person who will have a life and enjoy it! Better get to know that person before it gets old and doesn’t care.

Stand out

You’ve developed all these amazing skills, you’ve seen amazing places and you now know what you want to work/study in. You can’t say that won’t be attractive to an employer.

If you were working/volunteering abroad, it will look great on your CV. It demonstrates that you have developed the skills I mentioned before: ability to adapt, ability to try something new, ability to be different. These are all skills companies value and will take into account. And if you feel they won’t, I wouldn’t apply for that company in the first place (boring!).

More and more people are taking gap years in the UK, so you may be thinking ‘how do I stand out if everyone else is doing them?’. That’s the beauty of gap years: you get to choose how to do it. No two gap years will be identical – everyone will learn different lessons, will develop different skills and will come back a different person. So don’t worry about not standing out.

Amazing relationships

The last but not least amazing thing about gap years is the relationships you will make.

In my case, it was with other expats. We’re all trying to survive in this unfamiliar country with a completely different language, habits and writing. It creates very strong bonds with people, and I’m still in contact with many of my friends from over there.

No matter what you decide to spend your gap year doing, you will meet a huge variety of people, because you’re traveling! This huge variety means that you’re more likely to meet someone you get on really well with, creating a long lasting friendship.

The strange situations you find yourself in, the funny experiences, these are all things that build strong relationships with people. And these are the friends  who help you get to know yourself, who will help you develop your opinions, ideas and dreams. And they may even go on to help you find a job (#networking). Keep those friends.

have friends so you can take cringe pictures like these

I haven’t met a single person who says they regret taking their gap year. Everyone gets something valuable from that year off, whether on purpose or not. You finish that year refreshed, with a new set of skills, a better understand of what you want to do and with great memories and friends. For this reason I say: PLEASE take a gap year. Do it for yourself – you’ll be forever grateful.

Did you take a gap year? Are you considering taking one? 

Read more like this over at Financially Mint

[braveryjournals]

New beginnings – leaping into the unknown.

Disclaimer: always do what feels right to you. Don’t listen to me or anybody else. Search yourself for answers and do only what you feel you are able to handle at this stage of your life and your development. 

Life brings unexpected turns. Or shall we say, we're not always able to foresee what is the best, most relevant thing we should do next. From our limited, earthly, human point of view, we cannot see the whole picture so when those moments happen we may feel uncertain and anxious. But just think about it: sometimes the most unexpected, crazy things come our way and there's no way we would be able to bring them about with the means of control and out limited mind-based perspective. They would seem out of reach or irrelevant. The thing is life is not linear, the events don't line up perfectly so our CVs make sense. This life is not a German fantasy, all ordered and perfect, it's a fucking jungle. In a good sense, of course.

If you think all this perfect universe, working like a swiss clock and regulating all life on this planet and beyond is here so that you can get up every morning feeling miserable, working in a job you hate (or not, I’m just giving an extreme example), fall asleep while watching Netflix and get up the following day to do the same for the rest of your life... well think again. What a huge waste of energy and intelligence this would be!

So how did it become somehow normal? It's crazy.

Sometimes I tell my friends - if this was the way life should be, if this is actually what life is, I'd rather be dead tomorrow.

Fortunately, it is not so, so I guess I will stick around for a while. I know I can be radical sometimes, but I'd rather be radical than frustrated. And I also think we need to be more radical with the way we live our lives otherwise there's not going to be any change we’re in such a desperate need of.

But let's get to the specifics and focus on some practical examples (taken from my personal experience).

Long story short I got into a situation I didn't particularly enjoy. I started in a new job a few months ago, feeling enthusiastic about the new start, but at the same time intuitively sensing that it would bring a lot of challenge for my inner balance. Even before I started there the intention I set for this new chapter was to be the light, to be the transformation. Like... how did I even know this would be called for? Anyway, I quickly realized that was the case and it was very difficult for me to do. I felt there were so many elements that would need to be fixed and not so much will to work on them so there's only so much you can do while still respecting the will of others and their choice to do things a certain way and remain on the low vibrational frequency.

I was alternating between being drawn into this energy, feeling frustration and buying into the gossip and complaining which the entire company fed on, and working my way through with my energy, focussing on raising my vibration, letting go of the negativity and practicing forgiveness and unconditional love. I started bringing stones with me to work which I found worked pretty well. I was wondering whether I should just drop this situation altogether or would it just be avoidance. When I set an intention of manifesting freedom, in whatever form, and maintaining the high vibes no matter the circumstances I was fired from work. And I felt a great sense of relief.

Now, for most people it is a negative event but as I hope you can clearly see, in this context it just makes perfect sense. The experience acted as a contrast on many different levels, that is I realized what I don't want and where I need to go next. It's very important to see value in contrast. Without it, we would hardly be able to see what is our true preference.

I am now finding myself in front of a blank piece of paper. Standing on an edge of a bottomless abyss, not knowing what will come, let alone the how. People are asking me, and what are you going to do now???

Well, this is what I'm going to do and I want to write this down (in the end it's a journal) so it's on record for future reference. (Now I will have to be really confident about this working out!)

1. Ignore the circumstances completely and turn inwards.

Worrying and feeling insecure naturally appear in this time of not knowing what is going to happen. Anxiety kicks in. But what's the point of getting involved in them? How are they of any use?

We believe we cannot or shouldn't disconnect from those natural safety mechanisms because then we won't get what we want. When they appear it’s important to investigate what hidden belief is behind them.

2. Examine your limiting beliefs in operation and let go of them.

Ask yourself: What do I believe if I feel this way?

And then: Why do I believe what I believe? What is this belief providing me with or is protecting me from?

Usually, the answer will look like – I believe that I am not safe without any plan/ I believe I'm separated from the whole/ I live in a hostile world of which I am a victim/ I am not naturally supported by the universe.

Why? Because I believe those beliefs will keep me safe. If I believe in that I will have strength and stamina for fighting for my survival.

This kind of thinking comes from the lower energetic centers which are responsible for the instinctual responses and survival. It's all fine, we are animals in some ways but we want to make it conscious so we can operate from the higher energy centers and so gain access to a higher wisdom, instead of operating on compulsive or fear-based instincts.

Therefore it's crucial that we ignore the situation completely and don't take our cues from the circumstances. If we do we will fall into this fear trap – Omg, I lost my job, what am I going to do now? I will be broke, my life will be miserable, who knows when I find a new one, it's so difficult to find a good job nowadays (in this city, in my profession etc.), people will think I'm a failure, I feel like a failure, I'm not good enough... blablabla. You see how easily those limiting beliefs can flow providing you with more scary visions and limitations.

Remember that if you will buy into them, you will get what you're asking for. And that's not how we want the new beginning to look like!

Once the limiting belief is identified it should leave. Sometimes you'll need to filter the same belief through those question more than once till it's let go. Investigate yourself and identify all the beliefs you have about the situation, all the ideas you got from conditioning, projections... everything. It may take some time. You may need to take time off to do this in peace and quiet. It may feel uncomfortable, most probably it will because you're dealing with layers of conditioning and beliefs you just picked up unconsciously. You need to make it conscious so you can be free.

3. Let go of control and jump.

Many people feel they cannot just ignore the situation because they feel like as responsible adults they need to look the problem realistically and deal with it. But if you focus too much on your situation you may find yourself blocked. You're already dealing with labels and projects from your friends and family. They don't matter, just stay sane in your own mind and soul and jump! Jump to that abyss.

Looking at the problem won't help because it will just bring more of the same. You can as well say, ok Universe here I am. I am ready to bring to the world whatever you want me to. Be open and humble and jump.

Ponder this: what are you gaining holding onto your present vision of the reality? Nothing new can come from repeating the same ideas, acknowledging survival fears and staying in the present conditioned state of mind. If you want to make a leap and enter a new stage of your life you need to make a risk. It's actually not a great risk to leave behind a boring and outdated version of yourself, but it may feel like something dangerous. Just realize you have nothing to lose so you may as well let yourself be carried by the universe and see what else is out there that you would not be able to conceive with your limited human mind.

4. Live your new vibration.

Seach yourself for your desires and see what is it that you desire to feel in your new life. What is your true essence? Feel it and make it your reality. Stay in this vibration as much as you can. Make your whole day, your whole life turn around this high vibratory state: consume only things that are in alignment, meet people who resonate with you, meditate, do yoga, go for a walk in nature, walk slower, be more mindful of the beauty around you, be gentle to yourself, send love to others, sing, dance, do something creative, smile for no reason, eat good food and so on.

Envision yourself embodying the new vibration and living an aligned life. You may only focus on the way you feel. It may be feeling expanded, inspired, loved, appreciated, connected. Or you may envision a specific symbol of how it would look like, so a specific circumstance: an inspiring job, living your theme, having a beautiful house and a family or whatever that is that would symbolize your new frequency.

Focus on this vibration and try to maintain it despite the circumstances.

Remember that the outside reality seems very real only because it's what we see all the time. It's very distracting, it's shouting at us all the time. But that's where its power ends because it has no real power. Don't forget that. It's like those small dogs that make a lot of noise, exactly because they're powerless and ridiculous.

So live your new vibration and be confident there's no way anything can go wrong from here. Reality has no other choice than reflect it back to you. That's how it works, period. Just don't doubt, don't give up your power going back to the „safe” space of tight but familiar beliefs and fears. I mean, you will do whatever you want, but if you feel it's the moment to jump into the unknown, take the chance life has provided you with. If you don't then it's fine, it will come back to you some other time anyway.

I feel like I laid out a whole recipe for enlightenment in this short post but I think it's important to address all the methods and ideas from specific and practical angles. I hope it will resonate with some of you. 

As I wrote at the beginning it also holds me accountable for my own transformation so I will keep you posted. I’m excited! 

[violetsystems]

#personal

Throughout this extended period of being alone, I’ve done a lot of reorganizing and downsizing.  It’s become a daily game of Tetris when it comes to how I utilize the space I have.  As the world gets smaller and more claustrophobic, the world inside gets more spacious.  I built a computer for the first time in years, piece by piece.  It’s a Ryzen 3600 with pink violet fans.  It sits next to the fifty inch screen lcd in front of a couch I appropriated from my next door neighbor.  I literally had to tetris it through the fence next to my unit.  I removed the slats and just angled it down the stairs into my home.  There was a time when my living room wasn’t really a living room.  My mom came over for the first time in what seems like months.  She seemed disoriented.  All the shit that was tacked to the walls was gone.  The one room she paused on was in transition.  I turned it into an exercise room a day later.  Now there are actual physical spaces within spaces I can go when I’m done with the world.  My porch is occupied by an ever multiplying Taro plant I found by the train yards.  Somebody had just left it there to die.  Now it shades the orange tabby that lounges on my doorstep all day.  There’s this feeling lately less of claustrophobia.  It’s still there.  You can’t ignore the neighbors.  People on my property have come to know just what I’ve been dealing with.  Even some people in the hood secretly know the drill.  But for the most part, it’s on me whether I want to participate in the constant reality show out there.  I’ve loaded my computer with years worth of music.  I woke up in the middle of the night to an email about a zero day vulnerability with my router.  I rolled out of bed, fixed it, and made coffee.  Flipping on the switch to flood my couch with pale violet light.  I read the news on the big screen and it still makes no sense.  I go out for groceries and it’s wall to wall cops.  Not like all over.  Just around me.  It’s like I’m my own personal parade at times.  And everyone seems to know what color flag I fly.  Nobody realizes I humor it for one person really.  And humor it is a little unlike me.  I just live these things.  I live in the love I feel and walk accordingly.  Or run.  Truth be told I haven’t been running more than two or three miles at a time.  When I do it’s through empty industrial plots of city land once occupied by public housing.  It’s easy to get lost over there.  The times when I feel most free in Chicago is when I’m off the map.  My apartment is a lot like that.  However visible I am out there, there is an understanding in my home that it’s safe.  Safe enough for wild animals to congregate on my porch.  Safe enough for crust punks to stage protests around under the watchful eye of their parents.  Safe enough for the future however chaotic and disorganized it may be.  You build around stability.  And unfortunately these days people have come to know me as one of the most predictably, unpredictable pillars of society out there.  

The truth is that I feel like a big red brick falling from the sky.  I rotate to land and connect.  And then I contort my shape and become something else.  These days I’ve landed and stayed put.  The sky itself seems to be falling everywhere around me.  And yet my life is pretty rock solid to a point.  It doesn’t mean people don’t still try.  Maybe it means more people understand how often people still do.  And why.  Nobody has ever given me a reason for anything I live through in isolation.  I only write about what I know.  And I don’t really know much.  Isn’t that the most romantic thing you ever heard?  Somebody having faith.  Belief.  Hope.  Inspiration to be patient.  That’s just how I am.  Stubborn maybe to some people.  But after all these years, there are people out there that exist only as a whisper to me.  They speak the loudest.  I’ve listened and made decisions based on this validation.  My own decisions on how to proceed and move forward.  And the agonizing truth for me to realize has been that I should do absolutely nothing.  At least on the surface.  Staying out of sight and out of trouble seems to be the most rewarding use of my privacy.  I quit instagram.  I didn’t go back.  Why explain that in more than a sentence?  I occasionally broadcast video games on my new computer on the weekends.  The AMD software makes it so ridiculously easy to do.  Not to mention I sent up a channel months ago as an experiment.  Nobody watches.  I make asynchronous content more so to understand how my professors deliver their lectures.  I’ve learned more about computers in the last three months than I have in years.  Computers are ultimately the very core of my career.  These days I’ll be working from home for the foreseeable future with a return in the Fall.  I’ve spent most of my time here online writing every week.  Sometimes to the community and sometimes to a very special person.  This place has become very special to me.  A place where I feel people understand the way I think.  Can respect why I choose to live the way I do.  Understand just how many bricks have been piled on top of me unfairly.  And probably understand more than anyone out there why it can be so alienating to be in the dark about everything.  And yet you’ve proven yourself to be right about your intention every step of the way.  Sometimes the power is in resigning yourself to the fate you have decided for yourself.  Listening to drum and bass mixes on your television at five in the morning and letting romance speak through your dashboard in code.  It all connects for me.  Privately and securely on a hush hush need to know basis.  I’m the only one who really knows.  And I’m pretty much ok with it.

The things that I do know are fairly boring.  I will be ok.  I am actually far more ok than I have been.  Although my sleep schedule is completely fucked up and I’m mildly depressed near all of the time.  That’s these times in a nutshell.  I know delivery is a hell of a lot easier than going to the grocery store.  I know Magic Arena is pretty much the game we always wanted but we’re afraid to ask for.  I know that nobody really listens to me or gets me other than a hardcore select few.  That’s the closest thing to a blockchain friendship anyone could ask for.  I know I’m loved.  That’s a real one to stop and think about deeply.  Because I’ve felt unloved at times.  We all do.  Lost and disconnected from real people and feelings.  Tough emotional bonds that don’t falter when it’s time to fake it for the cameras.  Or the gram.  Or the police.  Or whoever we’re trying to desperately impress this time.  Academia.  For profit news.  The CIA.  I don’t really care about any of that shit when it’s all said and done.  I care about actual people.  And people and relationships are complex.  So is living in the world today.  How does a person become sustainable and valued at the same time?  You can make all the money in the world one day and lose it the next.  Heidi Klum said it best.  One day you’re in.   The next day.  You know the rest.  I intended to be in from the very start.  Painfully consistent.  Ridiculously self aware.  The only person I was ever trying to impress knows just how much and why.  In that I became very self critical but not in a harsh, unloving way.  I changed things about myself when I thought about the people who mattered most to me.  Some of these people exist out there without me ever having to speak or acknowledge.  Those are boundaries I know not to pressure.  And over time those people know I’m open to whatever they choose to give me.  And I’ve grown close to people that way.  Very strange but beautiful bonds of trust without ever saying a word.  And ironically I’ve said too many over the years.  And yet very few know exactly what I’m talking about or addressing.  It’s just the life I’ve been living.  And honestly it’s been more alive than it has been.  You could be lying beside someone and be light years away.  And you can be staring at the same picture and understanding how it connects you.  It’s all very mysterious and scary at times.  But after awhile people come to know what you are about.  Especially when you blast drum and bass from your living room at five in the morning.  It’s called coffee.  It’s a stimulant.  Stay in school.  Build personal computers.  Connect to the ones you love on the internet.  It may be awhile before we’re completely back to normal. <3 Tim

[theremightbecupcakespodcast]

Social Distancing Self-Care: Links

Being chronically ill, I am used to being at home for days and even weeks on end. But I know most of my listeners are not. The only change for me right now is that my doctors’ appointments and physical therapy appointments are being canceled, which does also mean not writing at Starbucks or Barnes and Noble. My anxiety, of course, is heightened by everything that is going on, but the actual social distancing aspect is normal life for me. I know most of you are feeling cabin fever (which is a great movie, by the way, and about a virus–more about using horror to safely experience real-life fears in the next episode), coming right up. My love goes out to you guys. As I wrote on the Facebook page, in the Facebook group, and in the Goodreads group:

I have such empathy and love for all of you. Being forced to stay home and act like the world might make you sick…I know how scary and uncomfortable it is. Please take a moment and sit in empathy, as you struggle with your new reality of social distancing. This is how I have been living for the last six years. Not as strictly. But still the same. Some weeks I only go out of the house for my therapy appointment and a coffee afterwards. Know that when I say this, I am remembering my first days and weeks home from work, and the first days and weeks after each new diagnosis, and how very difficult they were. I am so sorry; I don’t want anyone else to feel this way. I promise the cabin fever goes away. Take very good care of yourself and each other, see this as an opportunity. That’s the lesson it has taken me years to learn.

So I am working on the above-mentioned episode, and other future episodes, and also working on intense self-care. This self-care includes distracting myself with creativity and fascinating media I have been meaning to consume. I thought I’d share some of that media with you, in order to inspire and encourage you. Share some of your own in the comments, or wherever you post your own thoughts. Feel free to promote those links in the comments as well for my listeners.

Letterboxd: Carol Kane’s movies

A horror movie I’ve never heard of! And it looks terrifying. The Mafu Cage (1978), directed by Karen Arthur. It stars Carol Kane and Lee Grant (The Omen), and I can’t wait to watch it. It looks like true 1970’s horror grittiness mixed with the likes of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane and The Bad Seed: psychological horror movies where it really comes down to the interpersonal relationship between two people who may not be sane. And a la Clive Barker’s Lord of Illusions, horror of horrors, there’s a simian involved. Those Illusions scenes, short as they are, nearly do me in.

A terrifying love story.

Two strange sisters live in a crumbling mansion, where they keep a pet ape, which belonged to their late father, locked in a cage. While one of the sisters seems to be keeping her head on straight, as it were, the other appears to be sinking further and further into barbarism and insanity.

For lighter fare, and a good laugh, here’s a horror spoof I found: Pandemonium (1982):

Tom Smothers (of the Smothers Brothers) stars as the brave mountie, who along with his trusty horse and bitter deputy Paul Reubens (Pee Wee Herman!) must track down a killer who is stalking coeds at a nearby cheerleader camp.

Also stars Carol Kane, Edie McClurg (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Carrie), Judge Reinhold (Fast Times at Ridgemont High), Phil Hartman (Kiki’s Delivery’s Service, How I Got Into College), Eileen Brennan (Clue), Donald O’Connor (Singing in the Rain), and Tab Hunter (Damn Yankees, Grease 2). I am definitely going to seek this out, and will report back. I’m not normally a fan of horror comedy, but this looks so cute and funny. And Carol Kane! Letterboxd, Amazon (not currently available, but you can add it to your watchlist to let Amazon know you want to watch it). Just knowing this exists makes me feel better.

A spoof of camp horror movies with Canadian mounties thrown in. Yes.

Then there’s Trees Lounge: Steve Buscemi, Carol Kane, Chloe Sevigny, Samuel L. Jackson, Debi Mazar, Io Tillet Wright. Directed by Steve Buscemi. What the what. How did this get past me?!

Tommy has lost his job, his love and his life. He lives in a small apartment above the Trees Lounge, a bar which he frequents along with a few other regulars without lives. He gets a job driving an ice cream truck and ends up getting involved with the seventeen-year-old niece of his ex-girlfriend. This gets him into serious trouble with her father.

One of my Letterboxd friends called this “Cheers without the happy”. I cannot wait to see this./> Letterboxd, Amazon

These are the movies written by my friend Eric Garcia–I met Eric at Yale Summer School 1989, between our junior and senior years of high school–he was taking Drama, I was taking Psychology, and Gender and Political Science; we initially bonded over our similar sense of humors and Goodbye Yellow Brick Road (oh oh whoa whoa whoa whoa): Letterboxd:

Matchstick Men (2003): Nicholas Cage, Sam Rockwell, Jenny O’Hara:

A phobic con artist and his protege are on the verge of pulling off a lucrative swindle when the con artist’s teenage daughter arrives unexpectedly.

(the novel: Matchstick Men: A Novel About Grifters with Issues)

Repo Men (2010): Jude Law, Forest Whitaker:

In the future, medical technology has advanced to the point where people can buy artificial organs to extend their lives. But if they default on payments, an organization known as the Union sends agents to repossess the organs.

(the novel)

Strange But True (2019): Greg Kinnear, Blythe Danner:

A woman surprises the family of her deceased boyfriend by telling them she’s pregnant with his child.

Yes, “Matchstick Men”, if you are my age, that should induce a half-remembered earmworm…

…inspired by the Camper Van Beethoven song, since we’re entertaining ourselves here. And guess what, o happy of happies? Ozzy Ozbourne covered it, with Type O Negative. Have fun!

As always, to follow what I am watching, here’s my Letterboxd diary. Feel free to follow me on there, and I will follow you back.

As for books…I just finished Ronan Farrow’s Catch and Kill: Lies, Spies, and a Conspiracy to Protect Predators. I will never give NBC any of my time nor money again. Also, excuse some brief vulgarity and anger, which is rare for me: fuck Matt Lauer, fuck Lester Holt for being an enabler and minimizer for Matt Lauer, fuck the legal team and highest management at NBC and MSNBC, and fuck Harvey Weinstein and everyone that helped, enabled and ignored him. I say all this as an aghast survivor and an aghast human. About Matt Lauer: that softpedal they gave us, with Savannah Guthrie crying that morning of his firing, reading a statement about “harassment” and “inappropriate work environment”, it was farthest from the truth. Matt Lauer is a violent rapist, and know that going into reading this book. It’s explicit, and much more that you will ever expect. Also, Weinstein is much, much worse than you even knew.

In better news, I posted about this book and how it helped me, and Rose McGowan posted a comment of solidarity on my Instagram post. I cried, and I cry every time I think about it, tears of happiness and healing.

So, while we’re at it: Letterboxd: Rose McGowan’s movies

Rose McGowan: Instagram

Rose McGowan Arts: Instagram: her photography and videography art

Her book Brave is next on my list. According to Letterboxd, there’s an accompanying documentary in the works, about which I am very excited.

If you are into true crime, and i know many of you are, here’s the list of recent 5-stars I finished, including those by my talented friend Caitlin Rother:

Lost Girls * Caitlin Rother

I’ll Take Care of You * Caitlin Rother

My Daddy Is a Hero: How Chris Watts Went From Family Man to Family Killer * Lena Derhally (deep dive into this case by a therapist–the whole second half of the book is a thoughtful, intellectual examination of what might be wrong with Chris Watts)

Scarred: The True Story of How I escaped NXIVM, the Cult That Bound My Life * Sarah Edmondson with Kristine Gasbarre (narrated by Sarah, and the audiobook was directed by Kate Winslet)

The Five: The Untold Lives of the Women Killed by Jack the Ripper * Hallie Rubenhold (more history than true crime, incredibly moving and marvelous detective work)

My long-suffering library hold for Madeline Miller‘s Circe finally came through, and I am beyond excited. I loved her gorgeous Song of Achilles so very much. It was so luscious in its imagery and relationship, and its retelling of myth.

I am also reading, on my Kindle, His Garden, Conversations with a Serial Killer, by Anne K. Howard, about William Devin Howell. I’m listening to The Wild Heart of Stevie Nicks written and narrated by Rob Sheffield, the author of the thought-full and moving journal of essays Love Is a Mix Tape: Life and Loss, One Song At a Time. It’s only two hours long but it’s taking me forever because I keep having to pause it to listen to her music.

I’m also knitting a blanket for Wil Wheaton. It all came about from an Instagram conversation about coziness and Muppets last year. There’s been a reboot of this blanket; I won’t bore you with the details and carnage…suffice it to say I won’t be using chenille yarn ever again. I’ll follow up here and on Instagram with new photos. The concept is a warm Muppet hug, and the base pattern is the Elm Avenue Throw Blanket by Lauren Scungio. (Feel free to follow me at Ravelry, my user name is CarlaYarn.)

View this post on Instagram

Rebooting @itswilwheaton’s Muppet hug blanket. Why? It’s a long story involving many struggles, ending with the strong resolution that I will never knit with chenille again. Stitches kept gapping and stretching; it was a crime scene. Anyway! Revamped, and the end result is going to be much more joyous and colorful, and durable. I chose colors of @knitpicks Brava that corresponded to 19079’s old-school Muppets, including overlooked intrepid reported Prairie Dawn. The Muppets are Big Bird, Bert, Ernie, Cookie, Prairie, Kermit and Herry. The original yarn retained from the original plan is the fuzzy one—the Caron Latte Cakes—it adds the furry aspect as a carry-along. The pattern is the same: the Elm Avenue Throw Blanket by #laurenscungio and #loopsandthreads. I’ve making it on larger needles than called-for for extra squish. Wil, I hope this brings you and @annewheaton much coziness and comfort. Now that I have worked out the frustration (and my health is cooperating), this blanket should be “Movin’ Right Along”. If anyone wants to follow along or check it out. I made the project public on Ravelry at https://ravel.me/CarlaYarn/eatb. #knitpicks #knitpicksbrava #caronyarn #caronlattecakes #muppets #knitting #wip #ravelry #sesamestreet #prairiedawn #bertandernie #cookiemonster #bigbird #herrymonster #knittersofinstagram #knittersofravelry #knitstagram #knitting_is_love #knitlove

A post shared by Carla Hufstedler (@carlahaunted) on Mar 18, 2020 at 9:14am PDT

I shall return with, of course, the aforementioned podcast episode, and more links, more suggestions, and more photos, especially photos of the knitting. I hope this long collection has helped–I spent all afternoon aggregating it. As always, any of the books mentioned can be collected for free with a trial membership from Audible, which helps me out, through this link: http://audibletrial.com/mightbecupcakes. As well, using any of the links in this or any post on the site helps me out. Our family budget is on lockdown. You know I still do not receive disability, and now my husband cannot go out to work. So your clicks and purchases really help, thank you so much. I will also be uploading more scripts to the show’s Patreon, and updating the Patreon levels. Please consider joining, and thank you. If you are not a fan of Patreon, you can also leave me a tip at Flattr. Episode 59 is on its way. I love you, and I hope you find something in this post fun.

To leave this on the most possible fun note, puppies must be involved, right? Well, my parents have three dogs (to my two), and the youngest, still a puppy, is Olivia Benson, and she is a very rare full hermaphrodite. She is cute as as a button as well as fascinating (her vet is going to publish a paper on her). We (meaning me, prompted by my parents via text message as they send over pictures as well) have been chronicling her journey on Instagram at @oliviathespecialpug. Give her a follow. She’s cute and sassy and ridiculously smart. Her older brothers Spencer Reid the pug and Preston the long-haired dachshund show up occasionally as well, and they’re all just stinkin’ adorable. I’ll leave you with her most recent shots. This first one was from Sunday, I was watching 48 Meters Down: Unchanged (I know, I know, here’s my review), and she was falling asleep with her arm on my shoulder, like a human, then there were birdies! She pointed at the tv then looked at me with great confusion then pointed again. The next one was from her spaying + neutering–yes, she had to have both, in a compound, complicated surgery, and she is stoned out of her gourd. I laugh every time I look at these. To me, she looks like a furry toad. I hope they make you laugh, too.

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I heard birdies in @carlahaunted’s horror movie and pointed. #pugstagram #puglife #puglifechoseme #hermaphrodite #olivia #oliviabenson #detoliviabenson #svu #lawandordersvu #oliviathepug #oliviabensonthepug #oliviathehermaphroditepug #puppiesofinstagram #pugsofinstagram #pugpuppies #pugpuppiesofinstagram #pugs #pugchronicles #flatnosesociety

A post shared by

Olivia Benson Pettigrew (@oliviathespecialpug) on Mar 15, 2020 at 7:54am PDT

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Teething pug = sleepy pug. #pugstagram #puglife #puglifechoseme #hermaphrodite #olivia #oliviabenson #detoliviabenson #svu #lawandordersvu #oliviathepug #oliviabensonthepug #oliviathehermaphroditepug #puppiesofinstagram #pugsofinstagram #pugpuppies #pugpuppiesofinstagram #pugs #pugchronicles #flatnosesociety

A post shared by

Olivia Benson Pettigrew (@oliviathespecialpug) on Mar 15, 2020 at 7:40am PDT

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I am recovering from my complicated neutering/spaying surgery nicely, but my first experience with pain meds has me very confused and doing a really good Baby Yoda impression. @carlahaunted was dogsitting me, and I kept standing up stiff legged suddenly, like I had forgotten something (Carla said it was like I had remembered I had locked my keys in my car) and then standing up on my back legs like a meerkat. I finally slept with a good, juicy pain meds + pug flatnose snore. I figured out how to untie my stuffed cone of shame. I am one clever puppy, even on pain medication. My big brothers are worried about me, but being very gentle and very well behaved. I can’t wait to play with them again. #Pugstagram #puglife #puglifechoseme #hermaphrodite #olivia #oliviabenson #detoliviabenson #svu #lawandordersvu #oliviathepug #oliviabensonthepug #oliviathehermaphroditepug #puppiesofinstagram #pugsofinstagram #pugpuppies #pugpuppiesofinstagram #pugs #pugchronicles #flatnosesociety

#babyyoda #babyyodapug #coneofshame

A post shared by

Olivia Benson Pettigrew (@oliviathespecialpug) on Jan 23, 2020 at 10:27pm PST

The post Social Distancing Self-Care: Links appeared first on There Might Be Cupcakes Podcast.

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[shayfan]

My One Year Wonder

Dear Tofu,

Right now, I am sitting at the computer at 10:26pm the night before your birthday. Do you know why I’m sitting at the computer at 10:26pm the night before your birthday? 

No, I know you don’t know - you couldn’t possibly know unless you had already read this letter before, and in which case, I appreciate you taking the time to read my words again.

The reason I am furiously typing this evening is because for the past few weeks I had been churning words in my head to adequately describe what I am feeling. 

Almost 365 days have almost passed since the day that I waddled into an operating room and you were brought into the world. I was awake for the whole procedure (sounds scary, but it really wasn’t). Your dad insisted on playing Frank Sinatra, since that is one of his favorite musicians and the surgeons said that we could pick a music station. When you came out, the doctors were so excited to show you to us that they actually ended up flinging a bunch of goop over the curtain. 

Yep. That happened.

Exactly 365 days ago, the night before you were born I was nervously sitting on the couch in our apartment in San Francisco with your dad. I knew I was going to be meeting you the next day. I didn’t expect to meet you until a few days later, but you had other plans (as I’m sure you will many, MANY times in the future).

I had gone in for a regular doctor’s appointment. Everything was supposed to be normal. Easy. Kicking the tires on a car, like a boring oil change. 

But no. My blood pressure had spiked.

“I’m afraid this baby will need to come out tomorrow, if not today,” Dr. Huh said.

I wish I could say that I broke into an ecstatic grin, and proclaimed that I was more than ready to see you, to hold you in my arms. But the truth is, I ended up sputtering and sobbing and then trying to take deep breaths in an empty office in order to bring down my blood pressure.

Why?

It’s not because I didn’t love you - I did, and I do, and I forever will.

It’s because I was very, very scared. 

I didn’t know if I was ready. I didn’t know if I ever would be ready.

But in any case, it was decided -- rather, I like to say, you had decided -- that September 15th, 2016, would be your day.

So here we are. Almost one full revolution around the sun.

I still haven’t told you why I am typing this letter to you at 10:32pm the night before your birthday.

As I said, I had been busy percolating and toiling over all the thoughts in my head of what a big deal it was to me that you were hitting your first birthday. One year. One full trip around the sun (although time is arbitrary, but we can discuss that later one day when you’re older). I thought about it and thought about it, and I finally sat down and after a few attempts, I penned (well, typed) a letter to you. 

A letter pouring out all my feelings. 

I gave it to your dad to read, eager for his thoughts. For him to tell me that I had written something momentous and magical, and perhaps (I knew it was a long shot) perhaps even TEARS -- yes, real tears -- would glisten in his eyes because he likewise felt so touched by my words.

But you know what he said instead?

“What is this? This is not your voice.”

He kept reading and then said, “You don’t call her DARLING.”

And then he said, “Can you even translate this sentence for me in Chinese?”

(I could not).

(But it was a really, REALLY poetic sentence).

I got angry, and felt offended. I had written what I thought was a heartfelt letter that was supposed to traverse time and space (okay, mostly time) and one day reach you. I wanted you to be inspired! I wanted others to be inspired!

But, no. 

So here I am. I’m writing you again. And I guess I’ll try to skip the fancy prose and sentences and just prattle on like I usually do.

Bao bei - my little muo guai - there really are very few words that can fully encapsulate how I feel about the past 365 days that have led up to your first birthday and what it means to me to be able to reach it together with you and celebrate it. While I know that the full day will be like almost any other day, in the back of my mind, it is special.

As a kid, I loved my birthday. The truth is, I loved it because it was all about me. I was taught by your Popo to always be thinking of others, to always be humble, to put myself second. Maybe third. Sometimes fourth or fifth.

But my birthday - your Popo made those all about me. 

And growing up, the birthday was a day where I would reflect on what has transpired the past year.

Then I had you.

Now, birthdays are different. Different in a way that I have never felt before, just as I had quite honestly never known that it’s possible to feel almost ten emotions all rolled up into a doughy mess inside my heart.

When I first held you in the hospital and nursed you - I remember thinking how it felt like magic that you calmed down when I held you to my chest. Your dad was snoring (loudly, as he always does... as he is right now next to me, UGH) on the couch in the hospital room. I had read that there was that mother child connection, but to actually experience it was surreal.

You were crying, crying, crying. But the moment they laid you on my chest, you quieted. You closed your eyes, and you slept so soundly and so deeply.

I was exhausted. And I was happy. And I was touched. And I was grateful. And I was fearful. And I was overwhelmed.

There was a night where I was nursing you and all I could think was how you are just starting the story of your life. And somehow, I get to be a part of it. I get to be in this role as your mother. I felt so privileged, but I felt so scared. I wanted in that moment to know that everything would be okay. 

But nobody can guarantee that.

Your birthday is one that fills me with such joy because I got to see you go from a skinny, scrawny little bag of bones (whose eyes widened so much that I could almost see the little neurons in your head firing when we gave you your first bath) to a chubby, giggling, shrieking little monkey that points nonstop at things and inquire about them with a very incredulous, “HAAAAAAAAAH???”

I know why people say to revel and relish every minute -- it’s because those minutes pass, and you grow and change every day. I can’t wait for the future, yet I can wait for the future. I yearn for moments in the past, yet I don’t yearn for moments in the past.

Moments in the past were some of the hardest ones I’ve had to endure. Even to this day, I remember feeling so bone weary and tired that I felt like I was a walking zombie. Reality felt like it was slipping from my grasp. It felt as though there were no light at the end of the tunnel, and I felt as though my mind was cracking from trying to piece together two or three hours of sleep at a time.

And, on top of that, we had to leave our first home in San Francisco. You don’t remember that place, but it was a place that was full of wonderful cherished memories for me and your dad. And the dog (that was his first home too).

But time went on. The days went on. The painful tears, the frustration, everything...it all passes. 

And one year later, here we are. 

You are completely different from the first moment I met you. Different, but the same. 

You are the same little one that I loved so very deeply. I was (and am) grateful my body was (and is) able to provide food and give comfort and support to you. Though the first few months of time had me gripped in a fog of sorrow, resentment (not at you), and anxiety...I still gasped at all the moments you hit a milestone.

The first time you mimicked your dad was over Thanksgiving. I think he was teasing you, but we were both immediately delighted when you stuck your tongue back out at him (he deserved it).

I remember waking up and going to your crib, and the first times you gave me a gummy, gummy grin. One night I was nursing you and you even popped off to giggle at me. Which made me giggle. Which made you giggle. 

Which...you get the point.

I remember watching you squirm and squirm while you tried to roll over for the first time (having a mirror helped...you seemed fascinated by your own face). The first time you crawled seemed to come out of nowhere, you completely skipped army crawling.

The first time you tried eating solid foods, you almost seemed to want to snatch the spoon from my hand. I knew that this was one of the signs that you had an independent streak, while also being clearly very stubborn (another example of this is when you continued to keep shoveling food in your mouth when you did not master the pincer grip at all).

I didn’t realize it’d be possible to want to cry from both joy and sorrow until you. Every milestone brings me joy, but it reminds me how you are growing up. 

And one day, one day way too soon, you’re going to be a fully functioning adult (whom I hope we helped guide you to being a good person -- because if you’re not a good person when you’re reading this right now, we SERIOUSLY have to sit down and talk, young lady).

I hesitate to share this with you in this letter on this day, but it wouldn’t be a true outpouring of my heart if I didn’t.

Birthdays are no longer about me and about celebrating my own milestone. Now they are about you, and the mere fact that we are here celebrating your first when so many other parents and babies were not able to meet this same milestone...I feel incredibly grateful. 

Every birthday of yours will fill me with joy because it means you have reached that next milestone. And a part of me will always, ALWAYS fervently hope that you will reach many, many more and that I will be able to be there to celebrate with you...or, at the very least, send my love and wishes from afar. 

Because my sweet and stinky Tofu, it is my wish that you will go many places. You’ll meet many friends. You’ll have many wonderful teachers. You’ll experience so much love, and even in the darkest days, it’ll only make you stronger and more fierce. 

We joke that you have a boss baby look -- a look that is both tough, discerning, and, if I’m being honest, sometimes a bit grumpy. I hope that you continue to own that look. I hope you own that face. 

Because this face -- this face is amazing.

Here’s to the 365 days around the sun that we traveled together. I love you so much sometimes that my heart feels like it will burst. 

Happy birthday, my bao bei, my tofu, my monkey...my one year wonder.

Much love, squishes, and kisses,

Mom

P.S. I hope that this long, crazy, rambling letter is up to snuff to your father’s standards. 

P.P.S. He’s still snoring RIDICULOUSLY loudly, by the way, ughhhhh. I really hope that in the next decade some technology will help fix this problem. Maybe you could get working on this in the future.

[uncloseted]

Why do you think mental health is so bad in our generation ? I feel like so many teenagers/ young adults struggle with mental health disorders, and the older generations didn't as much.

This is a long and complicated topic, so I recommend making yourself a cup of tea because we’re going to be here a while.

The TL;DR is basically: mental health issues are more widely discussed and less stigmatized, easier to diagnose, and the criteria for diagnosis is broader than before.  As a generation, we have collective trauma from 9/11.  We’re inundated with bad news from all over the world 24/7, and feel a personal responsibility to fix those problems, but can’t.  We’re inundated with information about how all of our habits are evil and feel personally responsible for changing them, but there are too many options and nothing seems good enough or like it’s working.  We’re inundated with the idea that everything is awful and the world is ending, and feel like we should be doing things about it but can’t. We have FOMO about everything and are constantly comparing our normal selves against other people’s best selves.  We were raised by helicopter parents with high expectations, told we could do anything, and then felt that anything that goes wrong is our own personal failing instead of a failing of the system.  Student debt is out of control, there are no jobs, and the system isn’t supporting us.  Our lifestyles are not optimized for mental wellbeing.  We don’t know how to interact with people the same way we used to.  Mental illness has become trendy.  We’re not taught how to handle our mental health, and therapy isn’t widely accessible enough.

I’m going to go into more detail on all of these things below the cut, and if you want to talk more about any of them, send your thoughts and questions to the inbox!  I’m all ears.

I can only speak for the US, but I think it’s a couple of different things. The first is that mental health issues are more widely discussed, easier to diagnose, and less stigmatized than ever before.  So that means that a lot more people are getting diagnoses and talking about them publicly, whereas before maybe only 10% (I’m making that number up) of people with mental health conditions were diagnosed (and the rest were told that it was a moral failing), and of those people maybe only another fraction were willing to talk about it because it was so stigmatized (see: the moral failing thing).  The criteria for certain mental health issues is also broader than it used to be, and YMMV about whether or not you think that’s a good thing.

I also think that there’s a sort of “collective trauma” that comes with news of horrible things happening all over the world, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  For a lot of young people in the US, the September 11 attacks were our first real introduction to how terrible the world can be.  And those video clips were played over and over and over again, and I personally think that for children who can’t comprehend that it was a video being replayed (instead of the same thing happening again and again), I think that can be very traumatic.  Additionally, I think it felt like a very personal attack because the victims were civilians, and in our child brains, we latched onto the idea that this could happen to us. And from there we kept seeing images of things that we have no control over and can do nothing about.  

It used to be that the news you would get was mostly local, with some national news thrown in.  Local issues are things that you have power over changing.  You think there needs to be a stop sign at the intersection near your house?  Great!  Go talk to city hall about it.  But now, the news we get is from all over the world, and it all feels like our problem that we should be addressing, even if we have no way to do it.  Now the stop sign down the street and police violence in the closest major city and government scandals and genocide and refugees and chemical weapons and famine are all our problem, but we really only have control over one of those things.  So I think the powerlessness in the face of presumed responsibility causes a lot of anxiety as well.  There’s also a lot more fearmongering on the news and a sense that the world is going to end any day now that there wasn’t before.  For example, a lot of us were probably raised with “stranger danger” and “DARE” programs that make the world seem like a very scary place.  In actuality, a lot of things are getting better- but that makes for a very boring news hour.

Then there’s access to information outside of just news. The more information becomes widely available and easy to access, the more curtains get pulled back on the ineffectual or downright shady way things are often run.  In the past, you would just go to the store and buy what you wanted.  But now, there are lots of things we know we should be considering- are the chickens that laid these eggs tortured?  Were my clothes made my slave labor?  How much water am I wasting every time I get in the shower?  Again, I think it’s a crisis of responsibility, but this time it’s the feeling that if we don’t act responsibly, the world is going to end or we’re terribly immoral people.  Again, it’s that there’s too much to be responsible for and a feeling that we’re never doing enough or never doing it right.  And then I think there are a lot of catch-22s within that, where if you do something to fix one problem you’re creating another that’s just as bad.  And then the small things you can do feel fruitless, because climate change is still happening, companies still use child labor and people still eat animals.  So there’s a crisis of choice as well- there are too many options and it’s hard to know if you’ve picked the right one, especially when you’re constantly exposed to so many other people who are happy that they picked the other choice.  This applies to products and trying to be ethical but it’s also where FOMO comes from, and I think in any form the idea that we’re “missing out” causes stress.  On the topic of FOMO, there’s also the issue of social media.  Social media allows us to compare what we know about ourselves- all the messy, boring, human things- with an idealized version of everyone else, and that comparison can be damaging to self esteem.

Beyond that you have the world we were born into and the ways a lot of GenXers parented their children.  Again, we were given the idea of choice- you’re capable of doing anything you set your mind to.  Previously, your options for the future were sort of limited by a lot of outside factors.  But the idea that we could do anything is essentially a lie, because our future options are still mitigated by outside factors.  So there’s this personal responsibility assigned to the individual to be whatever they want, even when the reality is they can’t do that thing.  They just need to work harder.  I think this is where you can also talk about helicopter parents and the expectations that are put on children, but lots of people cleverer than I have written about that at length so I’m going to skip it.  The TL;DR of that is basically “helicopter parents are stressful,, didn’t teach us how to cope with failure, and children need rest time, not to be pressured into doing activities 24-7”.  Then there’s an expectation that we should be doing better than our parents- that we should go to college, get a job, and buy a house, and start a family by our mid twenties, but obviously with the student debt crisis, oversaturated job market, and various expenses our parents didn’t have to pay for, that’s not really a possibility.  But again, we’ve internalized this belief that it’s our fault and not the fault of the system.

There are also lifestyle issues that fit into this as well.  We have more access to calorically-dense, unhealthy food than ever before, and we move less.  We spend a lot of time in spaces that aren’t optimized for human happiness, and we’re expected to work (or attend school) on a schedule that’s not optimal, either.  On average, we don’t get enough sleep or take care of our health the way we should.  We don’t get enough downtime.  We don’t get enough face-to-face interaction with friends and family, and a lot of our socializing happens virtually, and many people live alone.  Humans are inherently social creatures, and isolation becomes a problem very quickly.  I think we’ve started having difficulty knowing how to interact with others the “right” way, especially now that the social scripts and expectations that used to be followed are no longer.  I think there’s a simultaneous anxiety about offending people or saying the wrong thing coupled with not knowing what the social script we’re meant to follow is.

I also think a smaller factor is how mental illness has become trendy and almost a badge of honor in some sections of the internet, especially among teenagers. This is something along the lines of “school is stressful so I totally have anxiety disorder just like Zoella”.  I think part of it is wanting an explanation to complex feelings besides “being a teenager sucks” and part of it is wanting to be like the people we look up to.  Either way, that might be why you’re hearing about mental illness more as well.  It’s a trendy topic for public figures to discuss because it makes them “accessible”, “real”, and “brave” and gives the illusion of depth, and then the people who look up to them want those traits as well.

And then I think the last thing is that mental health isn’t being treated, and we’re not taught how to interact with our mental health or manage it.  Getting a therapist in the US is difficult, and a lot of the ways that we’re traditionally taught to cope with stress, anxiety, or feelings of sadness are maladaptive.