#bvidzoo

[cromernet]

→ NEW RELEASE: His car isn't yours by @bvidzsoo

Feedback: Sureeee, take my heart and stamp on it why don't you? Want me soul on a silver platter too if we are already at it?! Yn?! Girl wake up babe?!? You got a whole ass bear in front of you who's willing to treat you like a queen?!?!

His car isn't yours

Author: bvidzsoo

Pairing: Song Mingi x female reader x Choi Jongho

☂︎ Warning: cursing, very lightly suggestive, toxic relationship ☂︎ Word count: 16k ☂︎ Rating: nc-17 ☂︎ Genre: angst, fluffy at times, established relationship, dysfunctional relationship, breakup, lovers to exes, strangers to friends to lovers, @cromernet ☂︎ Summary: Mingi had been the man of your dreams...he was, until he wasn't. Perhaps he had always been like this and you just hadn't noticed until now, three years into your relationship. What can you do when you realise the love of your life is seeing other girls behind your back? What can you do when your heart cries out but his doesn't respond...His doesn't, but someone else's does. And he...he is a good guy, he'll treat you right...right? And despite the newly budding love between you and Jongho, all you could think was: It wasn't your car...

A/N: Hello, my lovelies! Finishing March with this story is quite jarring after our fluffy March event with Mina ahaha, but I've had this idea for a looong time (precisely ever since Wendy's song came out lol, please give it a listen to get the feels for this oneshot!) and I finally sat down to write it. Writting this felt a little bittersweet, I'm not going to lie, it hits close to home at certain points in the story. I like what I tried to do with this oneshot, so I hope whoever gives it a read will also enjoy reading it. I appreciate your feedback greatly, so don't be shy and share it with me! Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy ^^ (but before that, check out the visual board I created for the story!) divider

☂︎ Visual board ☂︎

I'm waiting on this good guy to come pick me up...

            The cafeteria was a cacophony of sounds as it was filled to the brim with students; its vastness was less obvious, as there were now few tables left unoccupied. It was warm both outside and inside, so the windows were open to let in the fresh breeze, as well as to air out the various food scents that mingled together. I sighed as I let my head fall back slightly, eyes shifting onto the window behind me. The trees were in full bloom, soon it would be summer, and the break was getting closer and closer. I couldn’t wait to step away from the strenuous studying and the annoying professors for a few months, it was a well-earned rest that both my mind and body were craving. The birds resting on the branches of the tall oak tree outside the window were chirping to each other, their songs filling the space if you paid close attention to them. I smiled to myself as I blocked out the laughter coming from across me, content with detaching myself from everything that was happening around me. I was tired, I hadn’t gotten nearly enough sleep after I had stayed up last night to fix a project due today, for which my teammates were unable to take responsibility. It wasn’t surprising, despite being at university, most people still acted like they were in high school. I hated irresponsible people, and I hated even more the fact that I had always been a people-pleaser.

A slight jostle to my left shoulder snapped my attention back to the present, and my eyes slowly trailed towards the man sitting to my left. Our shoulders brushed together as his long arm was draped over the back of my chair, the exposed skin of his arms warm to the touch. Mingi’s cologne was familiar and comforting, and I felt myself smile a little as our eyes met for a quick second. He was in a heated conversation with Wooyoung over something I hadn’t paid enough attention to be able to tell, his leg bouncing up and down. He seemed annoyed for some reason, his eyebrows furrowing every now and then as Wooyoung seemed to be denying something that Mingi was adamant on knowing. I leaned back comfortably into my chair, left hand landing on Mingi’s leg as I softly started tracing patterns into his dark jeans as a way to try and calm his irritated state. Seonghwa, sitting next to Wooyoung, was watching me with a curious glint in his eyes.

“Have you gotten little sleep last night?” He asked when he realised he had my attention, and I sighed, nodding with a pout.

“Yeah, I had to make last-minute touch-ups to a project.” I sighed again, feeling my dry eyes cry out for the eye drops that I had forgotten at home in my haste this morning, “I barely got five hours of sleep.”

Seonghwa’s expression was sympathetic, “Ah, I get it. I’m always so grumpy when I don’t get enough sleep. What were your teammates doing? Did you do it alone?”

Mingi suddenly laughed next to me, and I realised his leg stopped bouncing. I kept my hand on it, though, fingers curling into the rough fabric of his jeans as I felt the need to hold onto something.

“What were they up to?” I chuckled dryly, “Doing something else, I don’t know, everyone ignored me in the group chat.”

“Fucking assholes.” Seonghwa scoffed, and I chuckled as it was unusual for him to swear. His pink hair was getting in his eyes as he was leaning over the table, cradling his box of fried rice with vegetables to his chest as if he was afraid anyone would try and take it from him. Given the fact that he was sitting between Wooyoung and Yeri, the chances of him losing his lunch were high, “Refuse to work with them next time.”

“Oh, I will, don’t worry.” I nodded with an exasperated look on my face as Yeri started giggling, holding her phone out for me to see.

“Look!” It was a video of our friend, Seokmin, drunk and rolling around on the front lawn of a random person. He was cackling like a maniac in the video, cradling something I couldn’t tell to his chest, until suddenly the front porch light was turned on and a man came out looking furious.

“Get off my fucking property before I call the cops on you, kiddo!” The man screamed, pointing at Seokmin before his eyes found the one who was recording. Based on the giggles, the people behind the camera were Yeri and probably Chan as well, since the two went everywhere together. I shook my head with an amused smile as Yeri continued to giggle, pulling her phone away.

“When was this?” I asked, feeling Mingi shift next to me, his thick fingers lightly brushing against my shoulder. His deep voice wasn’t as distracting as it used to be when we first started dating. It used to be hard to pay attention to anyone else if he was speaking. But maybe that had to do with the pink haze that had clouded my mind at the beginning of our relationship. I had fallen hard for him, and I had gotten lost for a quick second until I realised I couldn’t let my emotions dictate my life this much.

“Last night,” Yeri answered, eyes on her phone as she was scrolling through whatever, “You didn’t come out with us.”

Right, the ‘gang’ had gone out to get drinks last night. If I wouldn’t have had to finish that project on my own, I probably would’ve had a little time to join them. There was no reason for regrets or resentments right now, and perhaps I was even glad I missed it as my eyes searched for Seokmin, his head resting on his arms as he snored, the sound loud as his mouth was angled at the table. I grinned in amusement and pushed Yeri’s foot under the table to get her attention. I nodded my head towards Seokmin, and she giggled again, leaning over the table to snap a picture of him. Baekhyun and Minseok were already drawing with a semi-permanent marker on Seokmin’s exposed cheek, snickering at each other quietly so as not to wake their friend. I snorted and shook my head, turning to look at my boyfriend when I saw movement in my peripheral vision. He wasn’t speaking to Wooyoung anymore since he was trying to target Seonghwa’s bowl of rice, whining and pouting at the pink-haired man, who was showing his teeth at Wooyoung like a vampire. Only the hissing was missing, and he’d be almost credible.

I watched as Mingi pulled his phone out of the pocket of his jeans, plump bottom lip between his teeth as his fingers moved quickly. I didn’t manage to get a glance at the name of the username, but when Mingi opened up the chat on Instagram, it didn’t take me long to realise he was speaking to a girl. A lump formed in my throat as my muscles tensed, and I was unable to look away as I watched the screen of his phone. There was a picture from the girl which he had opened already, and a text underneath which said, ‘Did u like what u saw, handsome?’. My jaw clenched and my heart froze for a second as I watched Mingi’s ring-clad fingers type back a quick ��Not sure, mind showing me again?’. I released a shocked sigh, my heart clenching like it did so very often lately. My skin crawled, and I shifted in my seat to put distance between Mingi and myself, our eyes meeting just as he locked his phone. His expression said nothing as he studied my face for a second, then he smiled. Wide and innocent, eyes crinkling at the corner, crooked front teeth endearing. His nose scrunched as he leaned towards me, looking so happy that one would assume something had happened. But my bones were frozen, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore. My heart squeezed tighter, and I flinched slightly when I felt his warm lips pressing a chaste kiss against mine.

I didn’t close my eyes, not because I didn’t want to but because I couldn’t. The question—the accusation—was on the tip of my tongue, but I just gulped as Mingi hummed in the back of his throat, tilting his head cutely. He looked confused, waiting for an explanation that wouldn’t come as I was unable to find my voice. And despite the way my heart was clenching a second ago, now it had started racing, making my ears ring. I could feel anger lick up my spine, raw and painful, but I ignored it as Mingi’s hand clasped around my shoulder and pulled me back into his side once again. His eyebrows had furrowed just as we both heard his phone buzz on top of the table, screen facing down, but neither one of us looked at it. He pouted, then pressed a loud kiss to my cheek, and I felt numb as he turned back to whatever conversation Minseok was having with the rest of the boys, their voices loud and making my head thump. Seonghwa had been watching us, his expression troubled as he looked at Mingi for a second too long. Our eyes met and I had to quickly avert mine as I felt tears spring into them.

Mingi hadn’t even noticed yet that I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. We had met up this morning to have breakfast before our classes started.

            It hadn’t always been like this. All the mistrust and questions had stirred up quite recently, when I had noticed Mingi started lying about where he was and what he was doing. It was an innocent finding. Yeri and I had been discussing sharing our location with each other when she had gone on a date with a guy she didn’t know well, and while I was sharing mine with her, I remembered that Mingi and I were also sharing it. Out of boredom and knowing he was home doing homework, I went and looked at his location. Instead of finding him at home, he was at a bowling alley. It wasn’t like we told each other absolutely everything; that wasn’t necessary. We both had our private lives outside of our relationship, and we were both people who needed privacy and a little time away from our partners—freedom, if you will. So, when I texted him and teasingly asked him what he had been up to assuming he was there with the boys, I was left confused when he answered that he was in bed, watching some shitty movie that came out recently. Not thinking much of it, I had dropped the subject at that time, only to find myself checking his location again days later.

And each time I assumed he was at home or in the garage, fixing up or upgrading his car, he wasn’t. At least not based on the location his phone was showing. So, the mistrust and jealousy had started then because I couldn’t help myself. I rarely asked, and when I did, he’d either very cleverly twist my words and play the victim, or he’d change the topic in such a way that I’d only hours later realise what he had done, and that I still hadn’t gotten answers to his secretive behaviour. It wasn’t right, it felt wrong, and I was hurting the more he hid things from me. Mingi was a handsome guy, I had known that from the start, and I was also aware that due to his charming personality, girls flocked to him all the time. That hadn’t been an issue in the past, I quite enjoyed the fact that he was dating me despite all the attention he was getting…until I wasn’t anymore. Back when we had started finally dating, it had taken us quite a while to get there. The way we had met was by chance at university, on a late afternoon when my car wouldn’t start up. As he was quite into cars and knew how to fix them up, he had offered to help me out without asking for anything in exchange. It turns out, my battery had died and needed recharging, which his BMW e36 was nothing but good for.

And after that, as if the universe wanted us to meet again, Mingi would be everywhere I went. He would be at the library whenever I went there to work on a project or paper, he’d be entering the cafeteria at the same time as me, he’d be at the pub when I went out with my friends, he’d even be at some of the parties I went to, and despite the campus being relatively large, our classes would be held in the same building unlike before. It had started as a small nod of our heads and the polite inquiring acquittances did—like, how was your day or how are you doing—and then it gradually turned into us stopping if we crossed paths to exchange more than just pleasantries, our nods turned into friendly hugs which sometimes lasted for too long, follow requests on Instagram, and then into questions if the other was free to hangout soon. Somehow, it was rather hard to get a hold of Mingi at first. Even though we’d agree on plans, going for a walk or just grabbing coffee, he’d find an excuse for which he couldn’t make it. I hadn’t really thought about dating Mingi at first, but in the end, I fell for his charming personality.

It was hard to say no to him, to not feel your heart race when he absentmindedly fixed your collar or brushed your hair out of your face, to not smile shily when he squeezed you as he hugged you. His eyes had always held an intensity, sharp and dark as they watched you from up close or from afar, his bottom lip between his teeth as he studied you. And it had taken me some time to figure out whether all the teasing coming from his part was merely part of his personality, or if it had meant more than that. Despite being grown-ups, I couldn’t tell whether Mingi was still too young to maturely ask me out. And the fact that he acted with other girls the same way as with me made everything harder and more confusing, often leaving me with a racing but confused heart. After months of dancing around each other, on one faithful evening, we had run into each other while we were both out for grocery shopping and he had offered to take me home. His car was a rich metallic blue, impeccably clean, and the paint job done clearly by a professional, as there were no imperfections to it. The model was an old one, but because it was maintained so well, it had made no difference. The car was longer than mine, the seats comfortable and low, as the car itself was closer to the ground. I had melted into the sporty passenger seat, admiring the interior, which was a mixture of black and dark brown. That evening, however, as we had cruised through the city with the windows rolled down and rock music playing in the background, he had asked a question I never thought I’d hear from him, “Want to be my girlfriend?”

That was three years ago, in our first year of university, and things have changed since then. It wasn’t as peaceful or as pink as it used to be, and I had no idea which way we were headed. I felt a bit nostalgic as the evening breeze was warm, the windows rolled down as Mingi steered the wheel, turning off the main road and onto a residential one as we neared my apartment complex. I tapped my fingers against the handle to the rhythm of the rock music playing through the old stereo, a song Mingi loved and had taken the time to copy onto the CD that it was currently playing from. The lyrics reflected my state of mind, the anger that was simmering just below the surface as I chewed on my bottom lip, sighing loudly as my building came into view. I felt Mingi’s hand grip my thigh, and I pulled my leg away, shaking his touch off. He remained silent, but the volume of the radio was turned down. I refused to look at him as I stared out the open window, heart beating slightly faster when he pulled up in front of the apartment complex and neither one of us made to move.

Another beat of silence passed before he sighed, “Baby, will you tell me what’s wrong?”

My eyebrows furrowed, and I turned my head to look at him with annoyance written all over my face, “Really? You have to ask what’s wrong? Isn’t it pretty fucking obvious?”

Mingi’s eyebrows rose at my aggressive words, and he tilted his head, “No, I—I wouldn’t be asking if I knew, baby. Did I do something wro—”

“Mingi, why the fuck were you flirting all night long with Ryujin?” I snapped, cutting him off before he could piss me off more. And yet, I felt my blood boil as Mingi’s eyes widened, his shoulders pulling up almost defensively.

“What are you talking about?” I closed my eyes to take a deep breath, and pushed his hand away when I felt fingers grazing my cheek, “Don’t deny my touch, you know I hate it—”

“And I hate it when you flirt with girls and let them be all over you despite having a girlfriend, baby.” I sneered, tone harsh and cold as Mingi flinched, acting like what I said was so harsh. I couldn’t deal with his theatrics at the moment and just stared him down, glare deepening the longer he tried to make himself seem innocent. He didn’t say anything right away, just jutted his lips out as he looked at me with sad eyes, making my skin buzz as my heart raced with anger coursing through my veins. Then, almost frighteningly, his expression slipped into something colder, something more detached and irritated.

“What do you want me to say?” He scoffed, leaning back into his seat as his thick eyebrows furrowed, “It’s not like you’ll believe me even if I say I wasn’t flirting with her. You always do this, Y/N, blame me for something that isn’t true and then expect me to give in to you. Don’t you think I’m becoming sick of it? That it hurts me? Do you not trust me?!”

I huffed in surprise, biting back my shout since I wanted to tell him that I didn’t trust him, not even a little bit. When I didn’t say anything because I was trying to gather my thoughts, he raised his eyebrows and gave me an almost expectant look. It only managed to make my blood boil more, so I undid my seatbelt and shook my head at him.

“You know what hurts me? This!” I snapped, grabbing the handle to get out of his car, “The fact that you keep denying and denying your own actions, making me feel like shit for rightfully calling out your behaviour which isn’t okay since you’re my partner, Mingi. But sure, make me the villain again, I’m already used to being the crazy and overbearing girlfriend who is always creating a scene by being jealous and not letting you have fun.”

Something changed in Mingi’s expression as I opened the door, pushing it open with all of my force since it worked a bit harder due to the car being from ‘99. With one foot out of the car, Mingi shifted, leaning over the centre console with something like fear and surprise on his face.

“Stop, wait.” He called out, his fingers wrapping around my forearm as he halted my actions. My jaw gritted as I turned my head to look at him, eyebrows furrowed, “I’m not doing it on purpose, it’s just that…you’ve changed. I don’t understand why that is, and you’re also not saying anything to me, I’m now always scared you’ll blow up in my face.”

My mouth opened in surprise hearing his words, and I had to take a second to reel in his words, to try and remain calm. I was the insane one again, the one acting out without being given a reason. I hummed, feeling all fight leave my body as tiredness overtook it, not in the mood to fight about this again. It wasn’t the first time; we’ve gone out multiple times lately, and Mingi would always find a random girl he’d flirt with, buy a drink for, and sometimes even dance with. But tonight, it had been Ryujin, someone we both knew, and the girl he knows I can’t stand. Before we had gotten together, she was very obviously pursuing Mingi, trying to get his attention anytime they were in the same room. She was all over him and laughing a bit too hard at his jokes, trailing his skin with her fingers suggestively. She was one of the reasons why I never took my dynamic with Mingi seriously, that is, until he asked me out. And given the fact that he had been sneakily texting someone this week, always brushing off the topic or asking whether he wasn’t allowed anymore to have friends, everything just bottled up and burst out of me tonight. I was sick of his behaviour; I was tired of overthinking every little thing when it came to Mingi and me.

“I’m going in,” I said after the prolonged silence, glancing down at Mingi’s hold on me, “Let me go, please.”

He gulped, his eyebrows furrowed, and then I was yanked forward as he kissed me hard, lips pressing against mine harshly. I didn’t want to kiss him back, so I didn’t, and Mingi pulled back when he realised I wasn’t reciprocating it, “I love you, my baby.”

His voice was whiny and sad, his eyes wet with unshed tears, and I nodded, prying his fingers off my forearm. I grabbed my purse from my lap and got out of his car, slamming the door unnecessarily hard. The loud engine of his car stalled, and that told me he wasn’t going to leave until I was inside the building. Unlike other times, I didn’t turn back around to wave at him or send him a flying kiss. My skin crawled where he had touched me, and it was my turn to have unshed tears in my eyes as I entered the apartment. When would he stop this nonsense? And why had he changed so much?

What was supposed to be a fun night out had turned into a sleepless night of question after question whirling in my head while Mingi blew up my phone, forcing me to put it on do not disturb.

            Mingi wasn’t the man I had fallen for anymore. Perhaps it had always been there and I had failed to notice it until, or maybe it was something about me which made him act out. Our relationship had been more than lovely. In the past three years that we’ve been seeing each other, I could recall a dozen happy memories. He’d always bring me flowers if we decided to go for a date, we’d take late-night cruises throughout the city, ending up at the belvedere to gaze upon the lights, admiring the view of the river from up above. He’d be gentle and loving, showering me with kisses and compliments any time he could. He used to love to cuddle, he’d often come over just to lie in bed and talk about nothing while I lit a candle and popped some popcorn for us. He was attentive and supportive, always the first person to cheer me on or watch over me while I worked on my project. And yet, what we had, it seems like that wasn’t enough for him. Despite the silent treatment from my side after our argument, he acted like nothing ever happened. He was still his cheery and carefree self, kissing me on the lips as if I didn’t carry resentment for him.

I didn’t bring it up again, so he didn’t either. I could tell he was actively ignoring the giant gap between us, and he made anything he could to fill it with love once again. Taking me to my favourite patisserie store, going to great lengths to get me my favourite flower which only blooms during spring, even missing one day of classes just so that we could go and watch the rally hours away from our city. He was trying his best, and yet, it didn’t seem to help. Even when the words I love you spilled from his mouth, his thrust deep and slow, eyes shining with adoration and shaking with desperation, it still wasn’t enough. I couldn’t unravel in front of him, I came undone under his hands, but it didn’t feel like before. The tears in my eyes weren’t from pleasure but from all the questions tainting my mind, making me refuse his advances the more he pushed. I just couldn’t help but wonder if he’s been cheating on me all this time. He had always been a flirty person, that much I knew. But before, he always made it clear that it was just friendly banter and that he already had someone he loved and cherished. Now, it all felt hush-hush, as if he was trying to hide me from the world. I saw the way girls looked at him, the way they’d approach him so blatantly as if I wasn’t right next to him, and most importantly, I saw the way Mingi looked at them, laughed along with them, and touched them.

The library was cooped up today since exam week was right around the corner, and I couldn’t wait to get out of the stuffy room once I was done catching up with some much-needed studying. My backpack was heavy due to it being filled with textbooks and my old laptop, and my fingers curled around my tall thermos as I sipped on my much-needed homemade coffee. I was all for saving up these days, things were getting too pricey, and Mingi’s birthday was around the corner. I wanted to buy him something unique and long-lasting. Getting to the ground floor, I was just about to turn left and head for the outdoor patio to join my friends, when my eyes caught someone familiar. It was Mingi, his coral-coloured knitted sweater, form-fitting and comfy, making him look all fluffy when he wore it. It was probably one of my favourite clothing articles of his, and he knew this, so he often wore it around me. Today had been colder since it’s been raining for the past few days, and Mingi got easily cold. His backpack was thrown around one shoulder, fingers holding the strap tightly, rings decorating his thick fingers, and his black jeans fit him like a second skin, showing off his good proportions. I smiled to myself, about to call out his name, when I realised he wasn’t alone.

Next to him stood a girl with dark hair, burgundy highlights in it, half-way tied up as her hair looked slightly greasy even from afar. She was thin, a lot shorter than Mingi, and her skirt reached her ankles as a satchel bag sat around her shoulder, brushing against her hip. She wore a black crop top, a cardigan around her frail form as she was saying something to Mingi, hiding her mouth behind her hands as she suddenly laughed. I watched her for a second longer, realising that I knew her. Her name was Arin, and they knew each other. She and Mingi had dated for a month, back when we weren’t very close with each other. Based on what Mingi had told me, they didn’t click, so they never went further than a kiss and a few dates. Despite believing Mingi, I knew it wasn’t just that for Arin. She liked him, it was obvious in the way she looked at him, in the way she carried herself if Mingi was around. They might not have clicked in Mingi’s mind, but to Arin, she still wasn’t over him. And watching from afar, it became clear that whatever they were talking about had Mingi’s attention as he smirked, running his fingers through his outgrown hair. The front strands fell in his eyes, dark and soft to the touch. He licked his lips just as Arin reached out, touching the fabric at Mingi’s bicep and picking something off of it.

Mingi didn’t flinch; he looked down and took a small step towards her, lessening the distance between their bodies. I felt something drop in the pit of my stomach, coiling like when you were cramping up from your period. My fingers tightened around my thermos, and I felt my heart rate gradually pick up as I continued to watch the two. I was standing in the way of those coming down the staircase, and a guy apologised as he bumped into me, so I decided to step aside while I reached for my phone. It was in my back pocket, my hand trembled as I unlocked it without taking my eyes off Mingi and Arin. He was shifting from his left foot to his right, then he started nudging her shoe with his. I quickly opened my messaging app and then clicked on Mingi’s name, ignoring his last message, which I hadn’t read until now. It said, I’m busy all day, but you could come over tonight.

Peeling my eyes off Mingi and Arin, I chewed on my bottom lip and quickly typed out a ‘What are you up to right now?’. I waited, raising my head to look at Mingi again. He was in the middle of reaching out for Arin’s hair, but at the ding of his phone, he smiled sheepishly and looked down, his eyebrows furrowing slightly. Arin watched expectantly as Mingi said something to her, then he unlocked his phone and started typing. I watched the three bubbles appear on my screen and calmed down for a second. Maybe I was overreacting. Mingi was a friendly person; if it hadn’t been like this before, I wouldn’t have become so jealous and worried if I saw him interacting like this with another girl. Maybe I was the issue, maybe Mingi was right all along. I had to fix my problems before I would lose Mingi. The bubbles disappeared and Mingi’s message came through just as Arin peeked at his screen, making Mingi pull his phone towards his chest so she wouldn’t see.

‘I’m in the library catching up on some material. Professor Ahn is after my ass, it’s really annoying. What are you up to, baby?’

At first, I didn’t react. I didn’t know how to. A surprised huff left my lips, and I smiled, feeling my hand tremors worsen as I took a step back to be able to lean against the wall. Then, looking up from my phone to see Mingi’s fingers dance down Arin’s arm forced a hysterical laugh out from my lips. I was frozen, with a racing heart in my throat, and my eyes blurred as I looked down at my phone. What was the purpose of it all? I gulped, pushing off the wall and heading for the exit instead of the back patio, my legs feeling heavy as they carried me down another flight of stairs.

‘Meet me in the parking lot, right now.’ I didn’t look back to see Mingi’s reaction as I pocketed my phone; I couldn’t even see in front of me as my brain worked on muscle memory. I pushed the double doors open, forcing my way through the small opening and hurting my shoulder in the process, but I didn’t register the pain as I turned to the left, headed for the parking lot, which I could see from my spot. People looked at me weirdly as I was trying to regulate my loud breathing, but I felt unable to do so as my heart raced and my hands shook. I didn’t understand anything at this point. Why would Mingi lie to me so blatantly? Did he think I’d get mad at him that he was speaking to Arin? Was I seriously a bad girlfriend, oblivious to my own restricting actions towards Mingi, which drove us to where we were now?

My eyes zeroed in on his blue BMW, and I hurried over, lump in my throat as I paced up and down while waiting for him. There was no guarantee he’d even check his phone again, but I’d wait for him here until his classes were over, then. I had to tell him, I had to ask him, I had to see him. It wasn’t fair that he was treating me like this; it just didn’t feel right. In my distressed state, I failed to notice Mingi approach me as I chewed my nails, eyebrows furrowed. The sky was dark, rainclouds gathered around and were threatening a downpour anytime now. I jumped when I felt arms around me from behind, a chin landing on my shoulder.

“Hi, baby.” Mingi’s voice was husky in my ear, then his plush lips pressed a kiss against my cheek, and I had to tense my muscles to stop myself from flinching away. I gulped, but my throat felt dry. I tried to take a deep breath, but my lungs felt restricted, so as gently as I could, I pried his arms off me and turned around to face him. He was so…Mingi. He was smiling from ear to ear, his beautiful eyes crinkled and making my heart race despite the heartbreak I was currently experiencing. His mole under his eye drew my gaze to it, and it made me wish I could trace it like I had done so before. He knew how much I loved his crooked teeth too, and yet, despite the man standing in front of me being someone I dearly loved once, I failed to recognise him right now.

“Hi,” I greeted, voice tight and breathy. Mingi’s eyebrows furrowed for a second, and he tilted his head, “Did you have a hard day so far?”

He hummed, looking past me in thought before he reached out to intertwine our fingers. He leaned back against his car, and I gulped, feeling my heart race. If he would set himself right while we spoke now, I would forgive him and change myself and the way I’ve been reacting to him lately.

“Not really, but Professor Ahn gave me some exercises in plus to do for his next class.” Mingi rolled his eyes, “He says I’m behind compared to the others, which isn’t true. Wooyoung barely knows shit and he’s not treating him bad like me.”

“Wooyoung doesn’t skip his class as often as you do,” I mentioned, and Mingi pouted, his thumb rubbing my skin.

“Whatever, what about you?” Mingi changed the subject, and I hummed, hand tightening around my thermos.

“It was okay, I’m just tired from studying…” Mingi watched me curiously as I trailed off, preparing myself for my next words, “Sorry for dragging you down here from the…library.”

Mingi’s eyebrows furrowed for a second, but then he smiled, shrugging nonchalantly, “Don’t worry, my baby. It was about damn time I got out of that stuffy place. Man, I swear they never open any windows despite everyone being cooped up in there, it’s so annoying. I think I’m developing a headache from all the burnt brain I had to smell in there, freaking geeks.”

He laughed at his own words while my muscles tensed, my heart chillingly slowing down. Somehow, despite the ache in my chest, it’s like I knew to expect this. It hurt, a lot, but a huge part of me knew he wouldn’t tell me the truth. The fact that he was with Arin, laughing and touching each other all up and not in the library, studying.

“I’ve just come from the library, peculiar, I didn’t see you there.” My tone was cold, and I watched as Mingi blanched, his happy expression turning into a careful one. He gulped and chuckled, but it didn’t sound so casual anymore.

“The library’s big, we must’ve missed each other.” Then he tugged on our intertwined fingers, making me close the distance between us, “What a pity, I would’ve loved studying together with you.”

I didn’t have time to react as he leaned forward, eyes watching my face before they fluttered closed, Mingi’s lips pressing against mine gingerly. I felt sick to my stomach as he kissed me with the same mouth that spewed so many lies, but the dam holding itself together in my chest finally broke. I closed my eyes and kissed him back, hard and a little desperate as I realised there was no going back for us. There was no fixing this anymore. I have stopped trusting Mingi, and once my trust was broken, it could never be mended. I fought the tears that threatened to escape my eyes as Mingi hummed against my lips, his taste familiar and once comforting. I knew his body like the back of my hand, I knew what he liked and what he didn’t. I would miss him, that was certain, but I couldn’t let myself break my back for a person who was possibly cheating on me. I pulled away with a heavy heart, taking a deep breath before I opened my eyes. Mingi was already watching me, looking almost afraid as his grip tightened on my hand.

“What’s wrong, baby?” He whispered, low and reluctant as a bike wheezed past us, its engine loud. I gulped, my eyes finding his as I had decided that this was best for me.

“Let’s break up, Mingi.” I said just as quietly, afraid that if I spoke too loudly someone would hear us despite being alone in the parking lot filled with cars. Mingi didn’t react straight away, his eyebrows twitched before they slowly furrowed, his expression twisting into confusion.

“What?” His tone was harsh, raspy and almost aggressive, “What the fuck are you saying, Y/N?”

But I wouldn’t break, not in front of him, “I can’t do this anymore, Mingi. You’ve been lying to me for months and making me the villain, I feel crazy and like I’m overreacting all the time, when I’m not. You don’t tell me where you go anymore and what you do, or with whom you go. We both have our personal lives, and I’ve always respected that, but this is not okay—”

“You say we have personal lives and then flip out over me not sharing every little thing I do, Y/N?” Mingi snapped, releasing his grip on me and I was finally able to step back, “You’re being a fucking hypocrite right now. You are breaking up with me when I was willing to put up with your bullshit for so long? Seriously?”

I ignored the pang hearing those words made me feel, and scoffed, “Fuck off, Mingi, you weren’t even studying in the library! You were with Arin, fucking flirting and touching each other all up in the fucking main lobby of the university where anyone could see you two! I saw you, Mingi! So what the fuck are you even saying here?!”

At my outburst, Mingi froze. His mouth opened, but he didn’t say anything as I scoffed, shaking my head at him. He gulped, looking to the side before he faced me again, but he still didn’t say anything.

“Tell me right now, did you cheat on me?”

“What?! No!” His eyes widened, looking stunned by my accusatory question, “I would never! What the fuck do you take me for? Do you seriously trust me this little? I thought we—love each other.”

“Love isn’t enough to keep a relationship going when trust is absent, Mingi.” I snapped, feeling my hands tremble all over again, “If you wouldn’t have lied so much, denying the fact that you were letting other girls be all over you and downplaying my feelings of worry, we wouldn’t be here, Mingi. It’s over, I don’t…I don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore.”

“Y/N—”

“No, nothing you say will change my mind.”

Mingi watched with an open mouth as I turned on my feet, stomping away and leaving him standing next to his car as I felt tears in my eyes. My vision was blurry as I headed blindly in the direction of my own car, hands shaking so bad that I dropped the car keys. I crouched down to pick it up, but suddenly all the emotions I’ve been trying to reel in came pouring out like the rain that started pitter-pattering over our heads. I turned into myself as I cried, trying to keep my sobs quiet since the parking lot offered no privacy. Hearing the engine of his BMW e36 only made me sob harder, the screeching of tires making me flinch as Mingi peeled out from the parking lot. He wasn’t even done with his classes for the day yet.

            The past week had been rough. I was under the weather most of the time, but my friends were understanding and didn’t push for answers until I was ready to talk to them about the recent changes. It was tough seeing Mingi knowing nothing was tying us to each other anymore. Meanwhile, I felt free like never before with a clear mind, my heart felt heavy as questions tugged at my mind whenever I allowed myself to dwell on the breakup and the reason behind it. It wasn’t easy letting go of someone who’d been a constant in my life for the past three years, but I was sure if I took one day at a time, I could allow the past to be just that…the past. And having a good support system meant the world in these challenging times. Yeri was nothing but a sweetheart, checking in with me often and coming up with activities that not only brought me out of my comfort zone, but created new memories that I couldn’t associate with Mingi. Due to my yearning to spend time with people instead of self-isolating, Yeri managed to bring together our old friend group from high school. It was jarring to see everyone in one place again, but it also felt amazing to catch up with the girls. They were more than eager to bring the team back together, and thus, that’s how I found myself out on a lovely Friday evening.

The pub we chose for our nightly endeavours was a different one we’d usually go to, just to make sure there were zero to almost none chances of us running into Mingi and his friends. From what I’ve been hearing from Yeri, Mingi wasn’t taking the breakup very well. He looked like he hadn’t slept for days, with dark circles under his eyes, and his appearance was mostly dishevelled, like he had little regard for his appearance. Something tugged at my heart when I caught a glimpse of him yesterday in the parking lot, shoulders hunched over and face expressionless, but I quickly got out of there before he could spot me. He’d still try to contact me from time to time, but after we’d given our belongings back to each other, I made it clear that I didn’t want him in my life under any circumstances. There were too many shared memories, I could never just look at Mingi and remember him fondly without remembering all the heartache he made me endure.

I blinked at the roar of laughter coming from the table next to ours, glancing over to see about five guys throwing cards onto the round table. They’ve been playing some card game for a while now, rowdy and louder than the rest of the pub. I didn’t mind much, but it was a little distracting from our own conversation with the girls as they were currently busy giggling over Sana’s new crush. We had been discussing politics right before and had gotten too heated, so a subject change was necessary. It’s not that I wasn’t happy for Sana, but I didn’t feel like ogling a man right now, so I didn’t lean over the table to see her phone screen.

“Okay, but his muscles are huge!” Minjeong exclaimed, her eyes round as if she were looking at her most prized possession. Yeri and Seulgi giggled, taking Sana’s phone as they zoomed in on the picture. Joohyun just sighed next to me, glancing at me from the corner of her eye.

“They are no better than men ogling women’s tits, huh?” Her question made me burst out laughing, earning questioning glances from our friends. I shook them off and turned to look at Joohyun, my pint of beer empty.

“At least they aren’t making any lewd comments.” I might’ve jinxed that as Sana’s lips parted, a dreamy sigh leaving her mouth.

“Gosh, I wish I could suffocate between his man tits. Do you think he has a huge dick?” Joohyun looked done with Sana as Minjeong screeched, making the table of guys look over with questioning looks on their faces. Our table wasn’t exactly that quiet either, and I hoped they didn’t overhear my friends’ conversation; that would’ve been embarrassing.

“Obviously, he does!” Yeri shared a knowing look with Minjeong, “He’s like…huge everywhere.”

Sana squealed as she hid her red face behind her hands, and we laughed. Joohyun shook her head before unlocking her phone, and I scooted closer to her so that I could rest my head on her shoulder. I was slightly sleepy from the alcohol, but the night was young and I was actually enjoying myself. I didn’t have the time to mop around yet, and all of that was thanks to my friends. Nobody had mentioned Mingi, we hadn’t even been talking about boys until now. Joohyun’s Instagram feed was far more interesting than mine as she scrolled down the posts of celebrities as well as the posts of people she knew, and when she got bored with that, she decided to check out people’s stories. I yawned as I recognised a few faces in one of the stories, they were girls from our high school class.

“Have you kept in touch with them?” I asked Joohyun as she swiped to the next story.

“We speak sometimes, but we aren’t close.” She answered, her tone quiet and almost drowned out by the sounds in the pub. The table behind us cheered loudly again, and I flinched as I wasn’t expecting it. As Joohyun swiped to the next story, my body froze. The username was familiar, too familiar, and so were the people in the video. A girl, Arin, was running away from the person behind the camera, squealing as she held a basketball in her hands. The deep laughter was familiar, and it made me gulp around nothing as I sat up straight, muscles rigid as my hands curled into fists. Joohyun quickly swiped past the video just as the screen was flipped, Mingi’s face coming into view. She shut her phone off and turned to me with a guilty expression on her face.

“I’m so sorry—” I grabbed Joohyun’s hand before she could apologise even further, I didn’t mind. I really didn’t. None of my friends had any obligations to quit their friendship with Mingi, and Joohyun wasn’t even close with him. She only knew him through me and probably had even forgotten that she was following him.

“Don’t, it’s okay.” I said with a small smile as I grabbed my pint, “I mean it, Hyunnie, I don’t mind.”

Joohyun pouted as I stood up, pointing towards the bar, “I’ll get a refill, do you want something?”

She shook her head, still looking apologetic as I hummed, then slid out of the small booth-like space. The bar was just outside, all I had to do was step through the threshold and I’d reach it. The pub wasn’t too big, but it was rather cozy as it was filled with other university students, retro tunes playing through the stereos. The wallpaper was rather chapped, and posters of old bands tried to hide the brick that could be seen due to the tapestry falling off, but I didn’t mind that as it gave the place a certain vibe. The pub, after all, was inside an old house which was modified to fit a maximum of thirty people for busy Friday nights. The line to the bar wasn’t too long, and I passed the time by looking around, observing all the band posters, coming to the conclusion that I really liked this place and would love to come here again. I could only hope the girls shared my sentiment.

As I reached the bar, I placed my pint on the counter and waited for the person in front of me to pay for his drink before it was my turn. The bartender smiled as he noticed me, then wiped off the counter before he pointed at my pint.

“Want a refill of that?”

“Yup, thank you,” I said with a smile, leaning against the counter as the man took my pint, turning around to place it under the keg. Tapping my foot to the rhythm of a Britney Spears song, I read the menu on the wall to see if they had any shots that I could enjoy tonight, however, I was suddenly roughly jostled to the side. I gasped as my hands slipped from the counter, and I would’ve lost my footing if it wasn’t for the arms that were suddenly wrapped around my torso, yanking me back up right. My heart was racing as I turned my head with wide eyes, coming face to face with a…very cute guy. I gulped, speechless for a second as I was still too stunned to speak, now also a bit bamboozled by our closeness and his round cheeks, which looked soft to the touch.

“Holy shit! I’m so sorry!” His tone was light, melodic even, as he exclaimed in horror, his cheeks flushing a dark red, “My friends pushed me, I didn’t mean to knock into you like that. Are you alright?”

I gulped, feeling my own cheeks heat up when the guy’s hands slightly tightened around my waist. I wondered if he hadn’t realised he was still holding onto me, and I opted to ignore the weird uneven thump-thump of my heart, “It’s alright, don’t worry. You caught me, so I’m fine.”

I chuckled a little shyly, averting my eyes as the guy’s round and soft ones bore into my face. He was far from intimidating-looking, yet I felt small in his presence, which rarely happened. He wasn’t too tall, barely half a head taller than me, yet his embrace felt comfortable and warm. Almost as if he had just now realised that he was still holding onto me, he released me as if he had been zapped with a teaser.

“Fuck, I’m sorry about that, too!” He looked on the verge of tears, embarrassment very visible across his features. I couldn’t help but chuckle as I turned my head to hide it, bringing up my hand in front of my mouth.

“It’s okay, thank you for not letting me fall despite being the cause of my almost concussion.” The guy groaned as I looked back at him with a cheeky smile, distracted as my pint of beer was placed on the counter. The bartender looked at me expectantly, but before I could pay for my beer, the cute guy reached out and placed his hand over mine, trapping my hand against the cold counter.

“No, no, let me pay for it.” He said with a sheepish smile, “It’s the least I can do!”

Without mulling over the thought for too long, and since it’s been long since a man bought me a drink, I nodded, “Sure, okay. Are you not getting anything to drink, though?”

He grinned then looked at the bartender, pointing with his free hand at my pint of beer, “I’ll get one of those, too.”

The bartender hummed as he went to fetch a clean pint, then turned his back to us. The cute guy and I looked at each other at the same time, and I allowed my eyes to take in his features. He had sharp and high cheekbones, round, pretty eyes and cheeks that looked pinchable. His lips were curved and almost pouty, a pretty cherry colour, and a nose that complemented his features prettily. His hair was dark and parted in the middle, brushed out of his face and styled in a way that showed off his good looks. There was a light eyeshadow added to his eyes, which only enhanced their roundness, and I realised I was staring as he slowly averted his eyes. Then, he jumped and took a step back, the warmth from my hand disappearing.

“I keep touching you without your consent, I’m really sorry.” He said while rubbing his nape, still not quite looking at me, just in my direction, “I promise I’m not a creep, even though saying that makes me sound like a creep.”

I chuckled as the bartender gave the cute guy his drink too, and he paid with his phone as I decided to wait for him. I didn’t know if he expected anything from me now that he’s bought me a drink, but he didn’t look like that type of person. And at the same time, his energy felt comforting and calm. He glanced at me and looked a little surprised that I was still there, waiting for him. He hid his smile behind his pint of beer as he motioned for me to walk in front of him, and I returned his smile, taking off and leading the way.

“I’m Jongho, by the way.” He said as we walked around the people waiting at the bar, keeping close to one another since the crowd had significantly grown since we had made it to the bar.

“I’m Y/N.” I said with a smile and shook his hand when he extended it, stepping back inside the main room where our tables were, “The girls and I are having a night out, this is the first time we’ve come to this pub. It feels rather cosy and isn’t overflowing with jerks.”

I had no idea why I was running my mouth to a complete stranger; maybe the alcohol had something to do with it, but Jongho didn’t seem bothered by this fact. In fact, he looked almost excited that I didn’t let the conversation die.

“I’m also out with my friends,” Jongho said, sounding just as ecstatic as he looked. It made him really cute and I bit my bottom lip to try and hide the smile that threatened to grow on my lips, “This pub is our go-to place exactly because it’s hidden and doesn’t attract the frat bros.”

I chuckled but felt myself sour at the thought. It’s not that Mingi and his friends were frat bros per se, but at times, they certainly acted as if they were. Before I could allow my mood to worsen as the image of Arin in Mingi’s Instagram Story flashed behind my eyes, I shook my head and focused back on Jongho.

“I’ve been to one too many frat bro-like spots, so this is refreshing, and—” I blushed a bit when I noticed Jongho listening to me closely, paying attention to my every word, “Thank you for buying me a drink, you really didn’t have to.”

“Oh, it’s the least I could do after I tumbled into you so harshly.” He said as he looked to the ground, shifting on his feet. I chuckled, but then narrowed my eyes at him playfully.

“I thought your friends pushed you?” I raised an eyebrow just as Jongho raised his head, eyes quickly widening.

“I—well, I—damn,” He groaned, his cheeks flushed again as he almost pouted, “Okay, I actually tripped on the carpet and went barrelling into you.”  

I didn’t mean to laugh so loudly, but somehow that was endearing. Jongho’s eyes widened even more before he was giggling, watching me with softness in his eyes. I felt my heart rate pick up just slightly, my skin warming as I remembered the feeling of being in his arms. It wasn’t even bad, no, it was far from being uncomfortable or unwelcome. I gulped; a bit taken aback by my own thoughts as I cleared my throat.

“Well, thank you for being my hero even if you were the cause of my near death.” Jongho huffed, placing a hand on his hip and looking like a father who was about to scold their child. It looked funny as he held the pint of beer in his other hand.

“Now, that’s a bit too dramatic, don’t you think, Miss Y/N?” He raised an eyebrow, and I chuckled, looking off to the side. Talking to Jongho wasn’t too bad, I appreciated his humour and ability to match my energy.

“As long as you don’t hate me for it…” I didn’t mean to say that, but it slipped. I grimaced as I thought I had ruined the mood, reminded of the tantrums Mingi would throw anytime he thought I was too dramatic for his liking. But, instead of giving me a weird look, Jongho leaned in just slightly, a mischievous look dancing in his round eyes.

“I could never hate a pretty girl like you. Besides, if I’m free of charge for almost giving you a concussion, I think we’re even.” He winked and I snorted, looking down at my pint of beer as Jongho grinned to himself, standing up straight again. I didn’t know what to say to that, feeling slightly weird that a man who wasn’t Mingi had called me pretty, but at the same time, it had felt nice. Not knowing how to respond to his flirting—since it felt too soon to be mingling with other guys—I was just about to say goodbye to Jongho, but as I turned to look at my table, I was surprised to see unfamiliar faces sitting scattered around. The girls were laughing, cards placed in front of them now too. Jongho seemed to turn in the direction I had just looked in, and made a surprised sound in the back of his throat. I turned to look at him with raised eyebrows, curious as to why he had reacted like that.

“Uh, those are my friends.” He said as he pointed at the unfamiliar faces sitting at my table. My eyes widened as I glanced back at the table before looking back at Jongho.

“Really?” I asked, surprised, “Because those are my friends.”

I pointed at the girls as Jongho and I shared a glance, then burst out into giggles. That seemed to finally catch the attention of our conjoined friend groups, and Yeri’s eyes lit up when she saw me. She was subtle about it as she did a quick sweep over Jongho, but she said nothing as she threw her hand up in the air and waved at us.

“Y/N, you’re back!” She said loudly, grinning from ear to ear, “Guess what? The loud guys decided to join us—”

“You asked them if they’d like to sit with us.” Seulgi corrected, her eyes narrowed at Yeri. I chuckled, amused and not surprised by this at all.

“Yeah, after Hongjoong asked if we’d make a bet with him,” Yeri said as she stuck her tongue out, making Joohyun roll her eyes.

“And you stupidly said yes, he could’ve made you do something stupid.” Joohyun groaned as who I assumed was Hongjoong widened his eyes.

“I’m not like that!” The guy exclaimed as Jongho laughed, nodding to himself.

“He really isn’t,” Jongho said, and it seemed like the other girls finally realised that he was standing with me, “He’s a nerd who won’t shut up about his hyperfixations.”

A guy who had small and sharp eyes snickered, slapping the back of another guy who slightly resembled Jongho, “I thought that was Yunho, not Hongjoong.”

“Eh, they are different sides of the same coin.” Another guy said with a shrug as the guy who was called Yunho pouted, elbowing the sharp-eyed in the ribs. Jongho sighed next to me, then looked at me just as I glanced at him.

“My friends are embarrassing.”

“You know we can hear you, right?” The same sharp-eyed man deadpanned, and Jongho just shrugged. To my surprise, the next person who spoke up was Sana.

“Is he the guy you said was getting himself a drink at the bar?” Her face read mischief, and I gulped, subtly shaking my head at her. I hoped she wouldn’t say anything embarrassing or crazy. Hongjoong nodded, beckoning Jongho over, “Would you look at that? It looks like he and Y/N already know each other!”

“Right,” I quickly said as I sat down in my previous seat, surprised when I realised Joohyun actually sat close to the man with sharp and small eyes. She felt my questioning gaze because she shrugged, pointing at the cards in her hands.

“We’re playing a team game.”

“So, you and the new guy are now a pair!” Sana quickly said, elbowing another guy whose name I didn’t know to hand us cards. Jongho and I looked at each other as he shrugged, then he sat down next to me with a small smile on his lips.

“Well, howdy partner?” He clinked his pint of beer against mine, and I laughed, taking a large gulp of my beer so that Jongho wasn’t the only one doing so. I ignored the looks my girlfriends gave me as Jongho and I huddled close together to start strategizing about our winning plan. It felt nice being in his presence, and he was a funny person that I felt like I’d get along with really well despite not having known him for long.

Thoughts of Mingi and Arin were the least of my worries as the night progressed, my tummy aching from how much I’d laughed in Jongho and his friends' presence, a pleasant buzz from the alcohol warming my body like none other. I was grateful I had decided to go out tonight.

            I had overslept this morning and completely missed an important class. I groaned as I rubbed my eyes, dry and heavy from lack of sleep. I sighed as I reached over for my phone, hand knocking into the small lamp on my bedside table, almost knocking it over. Since my phone was on do not disturb, I had missed Yeri’s desperate messages asking whether I was deliberately skipping first class or if it was the result of oversleeping. Well, I chuckled as I typed back that it was the result of not going to sleep at a reasonable time. I knew it would bite me in the ass in the morning, but I had decided to brave through another chapter of the manhwa I was reading, only for that chapter to turn into another one, then another one, and another one, and—yeah. Getting ready once I sluggishly dragged myself out of bed was easy, as I had to be on time for my next lecture, where I had to present the term paper I had finished a few days ago.

Over the weekend, after having met the group of friends at the pub, I felt like I could breathe again. It’s like the dark cloud hovering over my head had dissipated, not as menacing as it used to be. That didn’t mean, however, that Mingi was completely forgotten. I couldn’t simply forget him in the span of a few hours or days, hell, possibly even months. He was too deeply etched into my being, a part of my soul which I was now trying to slowly remove. Saturday had been fine, almost fun, but yesterday had been a nightmare. My heart was heavy, and I was on the verge of bursting into tears anytime. I couldn’t even let my cat cuddle me because it reminded me of the times Mingi and I would lie in bed and beckon her over, giggling as she nestled in between our bodies. We’d often joke around and say that’s what our future would look like once we had kids, because yes, at some point in time, I had sincerely thought Mingi and I would never part ways. That he was the one for me, my partner in crime and life, forever my soulmate. But I was wrong, and Mingi wasn’t with me anymore, and he’d never be no matter how hard he tried begging his way back.

As I had brushed my teeth, my phone buzzed, and thinking it was Yeri, I opened the message without looking first. I froze for a second as I looked at the screen, somehow not surprised to see that Mingi was trying to reach out again. I had asked him to leave me alone before, I had even threatened to block his number, but it seemed like he didn’t care. I sighed as my eyes ran over the text messages, toothbrush hanging from my mouth.

Good morning, I’m sorry to text you again…

I met up with Yeri in the parking lot

We spoke

She told me you went out on Friday

How was it? Did you enjoy yourself?

Did you…meet someone?

I miss you, baby

Can we speak? Will you please answer me? I have something to tell you.

It’s important, I promise!

I know you’re reading my messages, baby, it’s saying ‘read’

I feel like…I upset you

Did you see my story on Friday night? It was nothing, I swear

I was in the park when Arin ran into me, and we just…hung out afterwards

Baby, can you please stop ignoring me?

Y/N?

I fucking hate this, please.

I sighed, putting my phone to the side as I spat the menthol paste into the sink, turning on the faucet again. My eyebrows were furrowed as I looked at myself in the mirror, jaw clenched tight. I was irritated by Mingi’s insistence, at this point, I just wanted him to understand that we weren’t getting back together. What more did he need? Did he think I wasn’t hurting just because I broke up with him? I scoffed and splashed my face with cold water, the cleanser softening my skin once I was done washing up. My phone buzzed again, and I groaned loudly, mentally preparing myself to shut Mingi down for once and for all, but I paused. A friend request was the first notification that showed up, before my phone buzzed in my hand again, and a message request came through. My eyebrows furrowed as I read the familiar username, clicking onto the Instagram notifications with mild curiosity. Choi_jongho had sent me a friend request along with a text message that caught me off guard. I accepted his request without much thought as I left the bathroom, then headed for my wardrobe as I read his texts.

Hi. Good morning, actually! Uh…I hope this isn’t weird, or anything…I asked Yeri what your username was, that’s how I know, I promise I didn’t creepily stalk you or something!

Now that makes it sound terrifying, doesn’t it? I’m not a stalker, I swear to God!

So, I think I’m done embarrassing myself. I just wanted to ask if you got home safely on Friday? Was the cab driver creepy? I can beat him up next time or something (I promise I’m a gentle soul!)

I’m starting to realise that since we aren’t yet friends and I’m blowing up your phone, this is really fucking weird and annoying…hope you don’t hate me yet!:D

I chuckled as I reread Jongho’s texts, my grin wide as I leaned against my closet door. I didn’t think his messages were weird or annoying; on the contrary, he was just as funny and endearing as in real life. After Jongho and I had partnered up for the card game, we quickly hit it off. While strategizing, we also figured out that we both loved listening to sappy ballads when we were feeling under the weather. Jongho loved cats, and he wanted to adopt his friendly neighbourhood cat, which would sneak inside his flat anytime it could, and he was more than elated to hear that I had a cat. Then, Jongho confessed that he wanted to become a singer before he found a new passion in life, so he was now just this cute guy walking around with a jaw-droppingly good voice—and I knew that because he had shown me videos of his singing at around our third pint of beer. I also found out that he wasn’t a light-weight, but the tipsier he got, the redder his cheeks became, hiccupping from time to time as he smiled a gummy smile and laughed melodically and loudly. One thing we both geeked out about—with Yunho joining our conversation when he overheard our excited rants—was the manhwas we read and were planning on reading.

Good morning, Jongho. Don’t worry, I don’t yet think you’re a creep or a stalker…that might change soon, depending on what you’ll be saying with a sober mind now. I got home just fine on Friday, thank you for asking! As for the driver, he was a sweet old man who offered to play whatever songs we wanted on the ride back. (And a gentle soul who knows how to fight? Sign me tf up!)

And that wasn’t it all. Morning had been a long time ago, and yet, Jongho and I were still talking. Although our replies came a bit slower as I was at university and he was at his part-time job, it didn’t feel awkward, and there wasn’t even one second which felt strained or weird. Speaking to Jongho came naturally for some reason, he was a very warm and playful person who understood my humour and was more than eager to return the snarky comments. I was enjoying myself, it helped me disconnect from the fact that my heart froze before it started racing, my body chilling at the sight of Mingi’s car in the parking lot. I tried to ignore the fact that I walked around campus like I was walking on eggshells, looking over my shoulder every few minutes to make sure I wouldn’t run into Mingi. It didn’t help that we also had classes in the same building, so I resorted to staying on my floor rather than wandering around and risking the chance of running into Mingi. I had spotted Wooyoung and Seokmin this morning; they both smiled at me as they waved, and I was glad that neither tried to approach me. I didn’t want to speak with them, I knew they’d go running to Mingi.

Lunch break was over, but Yeri and I didn’t have another class for the next two hours, so we decided to lounge around on campus, find a good spot where we could pass the time. I had just gone to the bathroom to wash up, my hands still wet as I left the restroom, drying my hands on my jeans. My phone buzzed in my back pocket, and I smiled, about to reach for it, but a sudden presence in front of me made me pause. I froze as I was face to face with Mingi, whose eyebrows were furrowed. His hair was cut, gone were the long strands framing his face, now the sides were nothing but a buzzed cut as the shorter strands fell over it. I remained silent as Mingi stared at me, opening his mouth, but he said nothing. My phone buzzed again, and I flinched, my muscles tensing as Mingi sighed, reaching forward. I hid my hand behind my back when he tried hooking his pinkie with mine, making his face contort into confusion.

“Hi.” He finally said, tilting his head as I didn’t look him in the eyes, but rather past him. I didn’t want to have this conversation. Why was he trying to make this hard for both of us?

“How are you?” He asked, and I sighed, jaw clenching as I finally looked at him.

“I’m fine, what do you want?” I asked, voice impassive and snappy. Mingi’s shoulders slouched forward, and he looked helpless for a second.

“Can’t I talk to you anymore?” He asked with a whine, and I sighed, taking a second to gather myself.

“No, Mingi, you can’t.” I didn’t want to raise my voice as people passed down the hallway, “We’re done, when will you understand that? I don’t want anything to do with you anymore, I told you already. Can you please respect my wish and just let go?”

“You want me to just let go of three years of our relationship?” He snapped, looking angry all of a sudden as he stepped closer, I didn’t move back, “Are you fucking kidding me, now? I thought you’d get over it. What do you mean you’re breaking up with me? Did you ask me beforehand? Did we discuss it? I don’t want this, I—”

“Did you or did you not cheat on me?” Mingi froze, eyes widening. He grabbed my arm and pulled me into his body, making chills run all over my skin.

“I told you I didn’t, will you finally drop it?!” He hissed, shaking his head as if he were disappointed in me.

“No, I will not let it go. If you didn’t cheat on me, why were you speaking to other girls behind my back?” I raised my eyebrows, tired of having this conversation again. It’s like Mingi didn’t want to understand what the real issue between us was.

“I told you already—”

“That you did speak to other girls, so what the fuck do you want?” I huffed, prying his fingers off my body, “If you text me one more time, Mingi, I will block your number too.”

“Like you blocked me on Instagram, yeah.”

“Glad you noticed, it was about damn time.” I snapped before walking around Mingi, hearing him scoff loudly before the men’s restroom door was slammed shut loudly. My heart raced as a bitter taste entered my mouth, and I stopped walking, taking a deep breath as I felt my phone buzz again. I felt horrible. I didn’t want to fight with Mingi so much, I didn’t even want to see him anymore. He wasn’t the only one who was struggling with this breakup, I also missed him, I also wanted to talk to him and give him one last chance to fix things. But it wouldn’t work, I just couldn’t overlook all his lies anymore. There were too many questions whirling in my head, and even just the thought of another woman in his vicinity infuriated me. It wasn’t healthy anymore, and Mingi had to see that too. My phone buzzed again, and I closed my eyes before I fetched it, chewing on my bottom lip. I wasn’t surprised to see the picture of the cat Jongho was taking care of, a small black kitty. It looked adorable looking up at the camera curiously, and I chuckled, tears in my eyes. I sniffed and tried to hold in the tears, refusing to cry at university while I was looking at a cute kitten picture just after my ex-boyfriend made me feel like shit.

Look at her, she’s a gem

Her eyes are so cute, they remind me of yours, actually…not that I’m comparing you to a cat!

I just got home, finally, what’s up with you?

I took off again out of fear of Mingi coming out of the restroom and finding me in the hallway as I typed back a quick answer to Jongho that I was waiting for my next class to start, lounging around with Yeri. He sent me a cookie recipe as an answer, saying he had made a bet with San and that both of them had to bake twice a week something they didn’t like.

You don’t like cookies?! Jongho, are you a monster?!

I went down the stairs as I felt my nerves calm a little, less tense now that I was speaking to Jongho again. It’s not like Mingi wasn’t lingering in the back of my mind, his words ringing in my ears, but it was easier to focus on Jongho’s texts right now. They served as a good distraction.

Even if I’m a monster, I am not the Cookie Monster!

I chuckled under my breath as I was heading towards Yeri, about to tease him, when Jongho’s next message came through quickly.

Hey, ignore me if this is too sudden. But would you like to grab some coffee tomorrow? In the morning, if that’s okay with you. I don’t have work tomorrow and my classes are in the afternoon.

I froze, my heart thumping weirdly. Tuesday’s used to be Mingi and I’s go-to days to have breakfast before our classes. It somehow felt wrong to just…replace it by grabbing a cup of coffee with Jongho. But then again, Mingi and I were done, I wasn’t doing anything bad by meeting up with Jongho. He hadn’t specified that it was a date, which I would be highly uncomfortable with at the moment, and despite knowing Jongho for a short period of time, it truly felt like he just wanted to hang out before our classes. I gulped, ignoring the whispers telling me that I was betraying Mingi by agreeing, but in the end, I pressed send before I could overthink it.

Sure, but I have to get to uni by 11 am!

            The evening was warm as Jongho’s shiny black Jeep rolled down the residential street, traces of a smile still lingering on his lips. Today has been amazing. We’d gone to a river and had a small picnic with homemade sandwiches and lemonade, which was way too sour. Jongho cringed even just at the mention of it, and I giggled as I smeared more blueberry jam on top of my cub sandwich. The weather was lovely this time of the year, and with exam season over, I was finally at ease again. The thought of not having to go to classes as well as face people I didn’t want to made the tight knot in my stomach uncoil, my days now filled with lazing around the house unless Yeri dragged me out for whatever reason. The library Jongho worked at was looking for more employees, so after Jongho’s recommendation and encouragement, I decided to apply for the job. I had made plans of going overseas before the summer break would be over, so a little pocket money wouldn’t hurt my wallet.

I hummed along to the song playing on the radio, Jongho’s quiet singing just as marvellous as when he was belting out high notes at the karaoke bar. The basket was in the backseat together with my purse, so my hands were free as I fiddled with my fingers, gazing out the window. The sun was setting, casting orange hues over the sky, and I sighed as I allowed my tired muscles to melt into the comfortable seat of Jongho’s car. The Jeep was spacious and expensive. Jongho took great care of his car and prided himself on how clean it always was. I liked how the engine wasn’t too loud nor rambunctious, or how Jongho’s aim wasn’t to show off but to have a comfortable and long-lasting ride. Sure, the car parts were expensive now, but as the years passed, the model would become less and less worth as much as initially. Not that Jongho cared about that, he was financially secure due to his well-off family. I smiled when I felt Jongho’s warm palm land over mine, and I flipped my hand so that we could intertwine our fingers.

The process of forgetting Mingi and leaving him in the past was slow and sometimes excruciating. Not much had passed since I put an end to our relationship; it would soon be somewhere close to two months. Not that I was counting. He’d still show up at times, bringing flowers to my house and asking whether I’d like to take a walk with him for ‘old times' sake’. I never wanted to, though, and I never accepted the flowers. Anytime I saw a blue car, my heart would lurch in my chest and make me wipe my head around to look for the model, for the brand, just to make sure it wasn’t Mingi. I can’t deny that my heart is still numb in his absence, that I don’t mull over all the what ifs in the safety of my bedroom, late at night when I should be asleep. Sometimes, all of it becomes a big mess in my head, in my heart, making me nauseous as I’d have to call or text Yeri or one of the girls to distract myself and stop myself from giving in and unblocking Mingi. He was doing well from the glimpses I’ve caught of him, but due to Yeri still hanging out with the rest of the boys, Wooyoung would often tell her that Mingi had turned to unsafe solutions to take his mind off me. I knew he was sleeping around now; it was a hard-to-miss fact when the campus wasn’t huge enough to drown out the rumours and the whispers.

But amid the storm in my head and heart, the rays of a warm sun were slowly breaking through the rainclouds. Jongho was by my side; he was here for me more than any of my friends had been, and I am grateful to him. If Jongho weren’t here, I probably would’ve handled the whole ordeal a lot worse and given in to the urge to just forgive Mingi, just one more time for the sake of memories and those three years we’ve spent together. Jongho was a great guy, he truly was everything I didn’t know I needed. He was attentive and careful, he liked to listen to my stories and he loved to entertain any far-fetched idea I might get, and he just…understood. He never pried and he never pushed or prodded, he allowed me to process things at my own pace, making sure he was there if things got too dark and too hard to handle on my own. He was a sweet soul, and he was warm. Sometimes I wondered if being engulfed in his embrace is what it would feel like hugging a domesticated bear. Jongho loved to live, and he had a special talent of wrapping you up in his happiness, in his joy, making you forget you even knew what sadness felt like.

We have never put a name to our relationship, because I wasn’t ready to date yet. I still saw Mingi in certain habits of other people, I still heard his voice in my head, I still couldn’t wipe his smile out of my mind, I still couldn’t forget the way his hands felt on my body, his cologne familiar and comforting, his eyes warm and making you feel like you were the only person in the room when he looked at you. I missed his proximity and I missed how comfortable and easy everything had been with him, and yet…when I looked at Jongho, I couldn’t dismiss the way my heart would start racing, the flush of my cheeks or the inexplicable desire to let him hold me until he became sick of me. We had started dating, that much we had established, but we weren’t together yet. I had no idea when it would happen, and I didn’t want to think about it for now. Seeing his car parked in my driveway still made me gulp harshly, Mingi’s blue BMW so vivid in my mind that I’d flinch away from the window and leave the house with disdain. And it wasn’t even Jongho’s fault that I was feeling this way.

“We’re here.” Jongho’s quiet voice snapped me out of my thoughts, and I hummed, squeezing his hand as my heart felt suddenly heavy. Mingi and I had never done a picnic, I had just realised. I chuckled under my breath, feeling a little bittersweet, because today had been one of the happiest days of my life. Jongho and I hadn’t even done anything big, just sat on a blanket while we ate whatever we had packed from home, then lay down on said blanket and cloud gazed until a small spider crawled on Jongho, making him panic before I took it off him, “Are you okay? You’ve gotten really quiet, love.”

My heart fluttered at the endearing petname and I hummed, facing Jongho as I nodded, “I’m fine, just lost in thought, sorry.”

“Don’t apologise.” He chuckled, turning his body to face me as he pushed the stray strands of my hair that had fallen out of my ponytail behind my ear, “Are you tired? You look tired.”

I chuckled as I nodded, stifling a sudden yawn, “Yes, I’m quite sleepy. Being out the whole day drained me.”

“Right, me too.” Jongho giggled, “I feel like a child again, the last time I was out and about for this long was…many years ago.”

“Now, don’t dramatize, Jongho.” I teased with a laugh, and Jongho huffed, playfully rolling his eyes, “Thank you for the picnic today, I had so much fun.”

Jongho grinned, his smile cute and endearing, and I had to stop myself from pinching his pink cheeks. He was so easily lovable, sometimes I had no idea why my heart wasn’t filled with love for him.

“I’m glad! Because I also had a lot of fun—except for when that spider crawled on me, that was terrifying and disgusting.” Jongho shuddered as I snorted, narrowing my eyes at him.

“I never thought I’d see the day Choi Jongho is afraid of something.”

“Love, I told you, bugs are the only thing on this Earth that will scare me.” Jongho shuddered as he said this, and I squeezed his hand, leaning over and pressing a kiss against his cheek without thinking first. His skin was soft and warm, turning redder by the second. He froze, and I said nothing as I pulled slightly back, gulping nervously. I didn’t mean to suggest anything by kissing his cheek, but he was too cute not to do so. Silence stretched on as Jongho’s eyes searched my face, and I looked down, suddenly feeling extremely guilty. I wasn’t ready to devote my heart to Jongho yet, and here I was, leading him on and playing with his feelings. Was I better than Mingi? No, I was almost even more terrible compared to him.

“Y/N,” Jongho said quietly, and I felt him cup my cheek. He raised my head as he smiled at me softly, “It’s okay, stop thinking so much and so hard. You know you don’t have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, right? If you need more time…to get over Mingi, I’m here. I’m willing to wait, I actually—I just really want to wait because I feel many things for you and I don’t want to lose you.”

That didn’t help as the guilt spread more through my chest, but I made sure he couldn’t read my expression just yet, “I appreciate that, Jongho, I really do. But are you willing to live in the shadow of the man I loved so much?”

“Yes,” Jongho’s answer was instant, “Of course, I am. Because I know it’ll be worth it in the end. We can be just friends, we don’t even have to go on any more dates. I’ll be content to just have you in my life, however way you want me.”

I huffed, sad and a little weak, but nodded my head, “Thank you. You already mean a lot to me, Jongho, I just need to…let go, for good this time.”

Jongho nodded, smiling gingerly as he caressed my cheek, and I returned the small smile. Knowing that I couldn’t live like this forever, that I shouldn’t let my heart break over a man that doesn’t deserve me anymore, I decided to give Jongho a real chance. I leaned closer, making sure my intentions were clear as his eyes widened slightly, but he closed the distance between us when I fluttered my eyes shut. It was a small peck on the lips, but it was enough to make my cheeks flush and my heart race wildly. That was all I needed as confirmation that I would be eventually over Mingi for good, that I was ready to leave the past behind. I pressed another swift kiss against Jongho’s lips before I pulled back, grinning at him as Jongho chuckled while shaking his head.

“Need help carrying that basket inside?”

“Now that you asked, yes.”

            A letter to you, who will never see this:

Love can be innocent, fiery and passionate, gentle and constant, but love can also be painful and destructive, draining and so, so damaging. Loving you was all of these things. It had started as an innocent, unassuming crush, very childlike and unserious. But the more I saw you, the more I heard you, the more I listened to you, the more I spent time with you…it started turning into something more, into something I couldn’t define but desperately chased after. It was you whom I was chasing, your attention and your affection, it was you whom I wanted from the very beginning. It was mutual attraction, I know it was, but somewhere along the blurry lines of casual friendship and flirtatious, playful words, it turned into something malicious on your part. You wanted me, but you didn’t actually want me. You liked my attention, you liked how easy it was with me, you liked that you could see it on my face—in my eyes—that you had my affection. You wanted that, not who and what I was. You didn’t like my opinions, you didn’t like the fact that I stood up for myself, and you didn’t like the fact that I didn’t let you walk all over me. You wished for a mellow girl, a girl who would do anything for you, who would hand you the world, who would break her back to abide by all of your wishes.

I wasn’t that girl, and I’d never be that girl.

It started with a fleeting glance, with your voice always around me, with your friends surrounding me without me even realising it. It started with casual banter and the fact that I liked that you could mirror me: my behaviour, my words, my actions, my attitude. It felt like you understood me, that you saw me for who I was…but oh, was I wrong. This story actually started on a very cold Friday afternoon when we were both frozen and in desperate need to warm out numb limbs, our icy toes, and our refuge had been the cafeteria. We had known each other from those fleeting glances, from hearing about each other from others’ conversations, yet then, there in that cafeteria, we had sat at the same table. We talked like we knew each other since forever, we laughed, and we teased each other because that's how we were. Easy-going and playful, rarely meaning the things we said. But then…when you left…you did something that made my heart flutter. You hugged me, and I didn’t like to be touched. You stood up, paused, then turned around, pointed at me and said, “I will hug you”. I was confused, I didn’t know how to react for a second, but I rolled with it. No boy had said that before, and now, much time later, I realise that’s how you were. Physically affectionate and good at love bombing. So, we hugged, but if I knew you’d damage me the way you had, I would’ve never let you touch me. I would’ve never sat with you, and I would’ve never bothered engaging with you.

After that, everything is just…unimportant. Whatever happened between us is for us to know. You were mean and bad, you know you used me and I know it too, but we can’t reverse time. And even if we could, I wouldn’t want to reverse time because I was so enraptured with you back then that I’d let you do everything you had done to me all over again. I can still vividly remember the way you made me feel, the way you made my skin crawl if I wasn’t the object of your attention, the way you made me anticipate every moment I knew I’d be in your presence. Thinking back now is just silly, how lost I was, how desperate I was to finally love and be loved. It’s silly and perhaps even embarrassing, I recognise that, but if anything…you had taught me another lesson. A lesson that losing myself wasn’t worth it, not when the man of your desire wouldn’t give himself to you fully. And I had learned this lesson, don’t you worry, I’d never let a man destroy my mental health as much as you had done…so thank you for that, it was a valuable lesson.

There were good and bad moments, moments I sometimes still fondly recall despite all the suffering I endured due to you. I realise, sometimes, I was too in my head to realise I might’ve been making up things, and yet, you were always feeding into these delusions. So, if they were truly just in my head, how come you could see them and make them worse? Questions and questions that would remain unanswered, because if I’m being frank, I can’t even look at you anymore. I don’t want you, but I do resent you…And I think I will for a very long time. Or at least until I’m old enough to barely remember your name, memories of us lost somewhere deep in my subconscious.

As for how this story ends…I think we all already know. Our story has long ended, there’s no more us, no me and you in the same sentence. As for that girl whom you played while playing me as well, I hope she can trust you like I never would’ve. I hope, for her own good, she lives a blissfully unaware life by your side, loving you unconditionally for as long as you need her to. And despite feeling stupid and silly sometimes, if I hadn’t meant anything to you, you surely wouldn’t have completely wiped me from your life. You made sure there were no traces left of me, even though I removed myself, once I realised there was no use in hanging onto this anymore, and I hope you regret driving me away every single day. We would’ve worked if you had taken me more seriously, but at the end of the day…did I want us to work? You checked off everything I liked and wanted in a man, yet that wasn’t enough. I hate the idea of you ever reading this, because you do not deserve to know the full extent of my true feelings for you, but if you do stumble across his letter one day…hear this:

I don’t wish you the best. Don’t ever again come near me.

...No, his car isn't yours

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