#buying his own happiness at the cost of their inevitable pain

[brainbuffering]

12 Days of Manga 2022

Day 8: Top 3 Seinen 

1) Hiraeth - The End of the Journey by Yuhki Kamatani from Kodansha (T: Leah Surgent L: Salud Campos Blasco E: Jesika Brooks)

[ID: English Volume 1 of Hiraeth - The End of The Journey by Yuhki Kamatani. A girl with short brown hair smiles brightly at the viewer. She has a flower crown of morning glories and wisteria (?) in her hair. The montage is also made up of japanese mountains, a 1930s Motorbike with a sidecar, a Shrine Gate, cranes and two other smaller figures: a man in black leather and sunglasses back to back with a person in long white godly robes and long white hair]

“After the death of her best friend, Mika is determined to follow her into the grave. But her suicide attempt introduces her to a world unlike any she's ever seen...full of gods and spirits and entities of which she could never have dreamed. But even with this world of wonder, can she find a way out of her sorrow?”

Yuhki Kamatani has got to be one of the most talented mangaka working in the industry. Their artwork is absolutley stunning, each panel a work of art in its own right, each line necessary to the telling of the story. I was waiting for Kodansha to release the series from Digital Jail before buying it, because I wanted to physically own it as a piece of arwork but alas... digital it remains.

But that does at least mean I can have pages and pages of screenshots saved to my tablet!

The series is a wonderful combination of dark, heartfelt, and hopeful. It’s a journey of three people facing the notion of mortality and what a death wish really is; from the perspective of a god who has accepted that their long time on earth is finally done and is happy for one final jaunt around Japan, an immortal who sees the curse of living forever as painful as the curse of inevitable death, and a suicidal teenager who longs to see her deceased friend once again.

I’m really eager to see how the series ends, and i’m rooting for Mika to finally choose life at the end of all this. It’s difficult as a teenager to be so suddenly faced with the concept of mortality, and seeing Mika tackle that from a suicidal perspective is incredibly moving. Seeing the philosophical elements laid out so beautifully and casually makes for a really fascinating read too, that makes you yourself think of how to aproach the notion of life and death.

Two volumes in, and Kamatani’s perspective is about as clear as you’d expect: Life is complicated, and death even more so. A long life is a good thing that should be saught after, but not at the cost of everything else in it. Kamatani looks at the importance of the connections we make with others, and how people cannot truly be gone as long as we remember them. Perhaps that’s a little cliche, but given how we’re still all in a stage of global grief in the middle of an ongoing pandemic, it’s an important thing to remember.

And as a final reminder, hey, Kodansha! If you ever want to release these books as physical editions I am more than willing to double dip for them!!!

2) Yakuza Fiance: Raise wa Tanin ga Ii by Asuka Konishi from SevenSeas  (T: M. Fulcrum A: Sopha Tyrant L: Arbash Mughal E: Abb Lehrke)

[ID: A Japanese high school girl with purple hair and red striking eyes looks over the shoulder of a boy hugging her. She is tugging his shirt down to reveal a large tiger back tattoo. There are red flowers (possibly camillas?) floating around them on a white background.]

“Too Much Love Will Kill You

Yoshino grew up the sheltered yakuza princess of the largest crime family in Osaka, the Somei. Due to her resting bitch face and dangerous family, no man has ever approached her. When her grandfather signs a truce with the Tokyo-based Miyama crime family, he offers her up as a truce bride to the Miyama leader's grandson! Kirishima Miyama is popular, charming, and seems totally normal. But behind his smile is a violent sadomasochist who thirsts for her dominance even more when she impresses him with her moxie! Even though she knows how bad yakuza can be, she's stunned by Miyama's viciousness. She can't turn him down with the East-West peace treaty on the line...so instead she steels herself to play ball!”                                    

Move out of the way Nisekoi, let’s see some yakuza teens in an aranged marriage get absolutely wrecked by the criminal underworld they grew up in!

High Schoolers they might be, but this is no sweetheart romance and I’m really digging it! The art work is really strong, especially the coloured inserts. It’s a very promising first volume and I definetly want to see what fucked up mess this all leads to! There’s far too much happy Yakuza romance going around, let’s see what happens if we actually explore the notion of organised crime. 

Now, how does that meme go? “He is definitely a red flag but red’s my favourite colour so what it do baby?” Kirishima’s is definetly not someone I would ever want to be in a relationship with, but boy howdy does he look good covered in someone else’s blood! And Yoshino looks even more beautiful when holding a knife to his throat and threatening to ruin his life if he steps out of line. There are a lot of unhealthy boxes being ticked by this series, so it’s definetly not one for those seeking out wholesome happiness. But not everything has to be “A Sign of Affection” you know!

I’m also facinated by the localisation choices being made in the official translation. Yoshino’s family speaks with an Osakan Dialect, which is usually translated into English media as a Southern American Dialect. However in Yakuza’s Fiance they have opted for a Northern British/Irish Dialect which feels quite refreshing! Why does english localisation always have to be so American? English Localisations are read all over the world, and whilst back in the 00s Australia and New Zealand would sometimes have seperate translations to North America (e.g. Fruits Baskets), that is no longer the case! At times the characterisation can feel a little disjointed with a lack of consitency between phrasing, and I wonder if this is the result of having a seperate translator and adaptor on the series?

If anybody happens to know if Fulcrum and/or Tyrant are on twitter please let me know, I would love to ask them my (polite and engaged) questions!

3) Delicious In Dungeon by Ryoko Kui from Yen Press (T: Taylor Engel L: Abigail Blackman)

[ID: English Cover for Delicious in Dungeon Vol 1. A human man in a full suit of metal armour holds a frying pan in one hand and a spatula in the other. Behind him, a dwarf with a big black beard, a halfling, and an elf in blue robes cook a giant mushroom on a spit roast. They are in a castle dungeon corridor, a red dragon looks in from the doorway behind them.]

“When young adventurer Laios and his company are attacked and soundly thrashed by a dragon deep in a dungeon, the party loses all its money and provisions...and a member! They're eager to go back and save her, but there is just one problem: If they set out with no food or coin to speak of, they're sure to starve on the way! But Laios comes up with a brilliant idea: ""Let's eat the monsters!"" Slimes, basilisks, and even dragons...none are safe from the appetites of these dungeon-crawling gourmands!”       

The most disapointing thing about this manga is that I cannot eat the food they prepare. Seriously, I know that the recipies for living armour are based upon regular crustacians, but that doesn’t mean they ARE crustacians! What does bug jewlery taste like? Does slime taste like bubblegum flavouring? Because it looks like it should...

As a DnD player, I really enjoyed all the references to role playing, especially the chapter with the mimics. Fucking mimics. I’m still angry about the door mimic my DM put me up against and I kept rolling like shit against.

Whilst the focus of the manga is obviously the humour, I’m really enjoying the developing relationships between the characters, and so far all the emotional beats have hit perfectly.

I’ve only read two volumes so far, and I’m not in any desperate rush to read the rest of th series, but I’m definetly going to be keeping my eye out for more in whatever inevitable coin boosts/sales happen so as they happen!

[gcnenineteen-blog]

#okay but #;; MUSINGS : JAMIE #that demiro ace feel #reminder that jamie is asexual but does have a romantic orientation #but shies from it partly due to his extreme introversion #but mostly because of a feeling of unworthiness #a feeling that pursuing romance would be selfish when he knows that A) he might not be able to satisfy anyone sexually #B) he might not be able to satisfy anyone SOCIALLY #and C) he's going to die five to seven years after his Proving anyway - jericho hill or no jericho hill #and also D) if he married he wouldn't dare have children for fear of passing on his sickness and leaving them half an orphan #before they'd even be old enough to remember him #reminder that jamie de curry has a lot of love to give but that love is like an orchid or a bonsai tree #it's delicate and has to be cared for and given a chance to flourish or it will shrivel and die for lack of being wanted

Decided that this is important enough to have in its own headcanon post. Also, an added thing: If he wasn’t terrified of passing on his illness and if he didn’t know it would be unfair to the woman who helped him do it, Jamie would absolutely have a child with someone solely to give his parents some consolation when he dies, some new life to grow out of the ashes of the old. Because he knows they’d take care of that child as well as they took care of him, and that perhaps it would help to fill the hole he knows he’ll leave - but again, he doesn’t dare, and it’s better that way, because the babe would have died with Gilead like everyone else. 

[neuxue]

one of the things that struck me about the Black Water arc on reread in particular is not just the perfectly crafted cruelty of the ultimatum He Xuan gives to Shi Qingxuan and Shi Wudu, but the way in which you could read both sides of that choice as forcing Shi Qingxuan to experience the fate He Xuan has been subjected to.

The first is obvious: Shi Wudu must swap his brother’s fate with that of the most wretched He Xuan could find. It’s vengeance on Shi Wudu (you like swapping people’s fates? You’re willing to subject a stranger--me--to this? Do it to your own brother, then; know what it feels like to do it to one you love), and a form of brutal justice, in a way, against Shi Qingxuan (you were given a life that should never have been yours and the price was my suffering; now you will experience what I experienced and more, to balance the scales).

But I like to read the second as also forcing Shi Qingxuan to experience something like what He Xuan himself has, a violent correction of an imbalance, but this time a different aspect of his experience. Because the second choice offered is for Shi Qingxuan to kill Shi Wudu, but otherwise go off and live out his life, so long as it is away from He Xuan. It’s vengeance on Shi Wudu (execution, but also a kind of you manipulate the lives of those around you without a care; you changed the shape of your brother’s life without his knowledge; see what it is like to be at the mercy of those you love, your life in their hands), but for Shi Qingxuan, it could almost be seen as a lighter sentence. Except.

He Xuan stands where he stands now because he slaughtered his way through first his home town and then Mt Tonglu, and perhaps more pruriently because he claimed the true Earth Master’s place as his own. He imprisoned Ming Yi, and impersonated him, and in the end did not kill him but was not without responsibility for his death. He Xuan stands where he stands now because he accepted these things as necessary, because he allowed himself to become this. And one of the things he most hates about this situation is that Shi Qingxuan was allowed to remain ignorant, to remain innocent.

And so, in presenting the choice to Shi Qingxuan (kill your brother, and you go free), it is as if he is offering Shi Qingxuan his life... at the cost of his innocence, as He Xuan once had to relinquish his own. This second choice is also a way of saying experience the fate I experienced, but this time it is not the wretchedness of misfortune but rather the knowing acceptance of corruption, the choice to take that step and cross that threshold, to buy his life and his place with that of another.

(I like to read it this way because I like to think He Xuan did not hate Ming Yi. I like to think that He Xuan may even have liked him. But that did not stop him; he made his choices with open eyes, and now he will make Shi Qingxuan do the same.)

(I like to read it this way because then it begins to play as a variation on Jun Wu’s theme: the corruption of one who is like you but also determinedly your opposite, to prove to yourself that your own corruption, your own choices, your own pain, was inevitable. To prove to yourself that it was the only way. Because in the end... in the end, i isn’t. Shi Wudu finds a third path and Shi Qingxuan finds something not unlike happiness in what He Xuan might have thought should be misery; in the end, Shi Qingxuan doesn’t make those same choices, and so what now? What does that mean, to see that those two paths weren’t the only ones?)

[boldlyanxious]

Cursed Soul Bond

Jasonette July prompt 11: enemy mine

July masterlist

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Marinette screamed in pain as Chat Noir turned her earrings over to Hawkmoth, promising her that everything would be okay. She could do nothing but freeze in agony as he removed his own ring and handed it over as well. Now before her, was her soulmate, Adrien Agreste. He had clearly figured out who she was without her ever knowing. She turned and watched his father, now revealed as Hawkmoth. Gabriel Agreste had taken off his broach in preparation for making the wish. He didn’t want to risk the other miraculous when he made his wish. It had to be the mix of the creation and the destruction to grant him his desire.

Marinette struggled and dropped fighting the grasp of her soulmate. She didn’t know how they could have worked together for so long and she never knew that her partner was her soulmate. But she couldn’t think of that now. She had to stop the man before he caused irreparable harm. A miraculous wish could not be undone. Nor could the effects. There would always be a price to pay. Adrien grabbed her again but he wouldn’t listen to what she was trying to tell him about what would happen. He was talking about his mother and how happy they would all be. He thought he had all the information so her warnings were all ignored.

Gabriel wasted no time waiting to see how the young couple handled the reveal or the betrayal. He donned the ring and the earrings and spoke the words. Time froze for a brief interlude as he made his wish. Marinette was aware that everything froze but she was unable to do anything else but know, trapped in her mind, as Gabriel controlled the ultimate power and was bestowed with one wish with no concern for the consequences.

When she returned, her soul mark burned on her arm. A searing pain that felt like it was ripping her away. Adrien looked stunned, watching as it flashed bright. His own brightened at the same time but he appeared to feel nothing. When the light faded, his mark did as well, leaving a patch of skin that looked untouched, no longer bearing any mark. He watched his former soulmate still in agony as the light went from shining to dark black. It was not reflective, it seemed to suck in all light.

Marinette dropped to the floor in failure. They had lost. She had lost. She had been betrayed by her soulmate and she had felt the bond tear away from her. It seemed to pull from every part of her body at once and left her weak. Adrien watched in shock, holding her until the agony ended. He seemed to feel nothing as his mark simply faded away. She could feel his arms lift her off the cold floor. She tried to pull away but her muscles didn’t cooperate. Everything felt so strange. Even being carried in his arms to the nearest fancy couch in the Agreste mansion felt numb.

He pushed her hair back from her face, it was matted to her sweaty skin. She was aware of shuffling nearby and was cognizant of Nathalie approaching with a cold cloth. She looked so worried as Adrien applied the cool cloth to her head. His hands felt so hot, like she was burning again. She shifted away from him. Her breath started coming in rapidly and she struggled to get away. She was so weak.

Adrien had backed away from her. He didn’t know how to react to her struggling against him and the sudden signs of sickness. Every few minutes he would place a straw near her mouth. The only feeling that helped at all was the cool water in her mouth and down her throat. She could not hear and could not speak. Her ears were filled with buzzing. She had no concept of time but suspected it had been an hour or so before her very worried parents showed up. As her dad carried her to a car driven by the Agrestes’ bodyguard, Adrien's hand held hers one last time as he passed her the peacock and butterfly miraculi as well as the jewelry that formerly held the powers for the kwamis of creation and destruction. They were now just symbols of her failure.

No one else seemed to know or remember about the threat of Hawkmoth. Gabriel had changed Paris and the world. Adrien said it was for the best. Now he had his mother and they still had each other. Marinette disagreed even though he begged and pleaded with her to reconsider. She would not even let him take her hand. She never wanted to see him again. Plagg and Tikki were the only ones she wanted to be with. Plagg felt responsible, and Marinette partially agreed with his assessment. He knew Adrien had a tendency to jump in with no consideration for the consequences and he had done nothing to temper that trait. Adrien didn’t know there would be a cost to the use of the wish because Plagg hadn’t mentioned it him when he already had so many other burdens in his life. That is why he didn’t feel the soul bond destroyed as she had. He didn’t know what he was doing was a betrayal even as it destroyed Marinette.

---

Nearly ten years had passed since Marinette had her soul bond destroyed. She had finished out her remaining school years in a small private school. She couldn’t connect with the others in her class anymore. She had been through too many things that they had no memory of. It was even a struggle to connect to her parents but they were loving and supportive even if they didn’t understand her sudden change. She suspected they thought Adrien or his father had done something to her. She couldn’t explain what had happened. So they harbored an anger towards the Agrestes thinking that there was some deeply personal incident but Marinette couldn’t explain that it was all of Paris and maybe the world who had been wronged.

The change of school helped her escape Adrien’s insistence that they could still be in love. For him it was as if the soul bond had never existed. He was still in love with her but she felt sick even remembering him. She could not stand to be near him. It took a long time for her to realize the twinge she would get in her dark soul mark was because when the bond had severed from Adrien it had attached to another soul. From what Plagg and Tikki could tell her it was a soul touched with dark magic. Cursed magic that only became possible as a consequence of the wish that now bound her soul to another.

She knew that it was her responsibility as a guardian and the only one who knew of the connection to fix this cursed bond. She would have to in order to finish binding Tikki and Plagg to new miraculous jewelry. They would fade otherwise and time was running out. It took her time to figure out where the other side of the bond was tethered. She wasn’t sure if that was because the other soul was moving or because she was still unskilled in this version of magic. Miraculous magic was natural for her but other forms of magic took a lot of training and drained her quickly.

She knew when she stepped off the plane that she had found the right place. She could feel the bond activate. Rather than absorbing all light, the outline of her mark reflected a bit of red back to her. Tikki’s color. She took that to mean she was in the right place. She only had the carry on with her and rolled it along behind her. She had some clothes and the miracle box. She needed nothing else. She would never return to Paris.

---

Jason rarely felt the pits anymore. Occasionally he would get the rage but it didn’t feel like he was doing anything different. It was almost as if for a brief moment something else was controlling what was happening. His wrist was often covered by a sleeve or glove but one night as the feeling of the pits drained back out of him he noticed a reflective bit on his wrist. It wasn’t just the UV mark from the club but it reflected the UV light flashing around just the same. He had a soulmark when he died as a teen, but it had disappeared. He assumed because he died. Now he wondered if the Lazarus Pit could change a soul mark.

He didn’t really have anyone he could ask about it so he started quietly looking for more information about soul marks. The basics of how to identify your soul mark and find your soulmate was readily available, but it did not interest him. Most people were able to find out that on their own. The information he needed was far more obscure and might not even exist. Chances are that his soul mate had felt his original death and had moved on with their life. It was hard for many at first but not impossible.

---

Marinette wasn’t very concerned with what job she had but she did have to find a job. Her interest in fashion had not gone but she had no interest in pursuing it as a career because she didn’t want the inevitable interaction with Gabriel brand. She severed every connection to that family and had no interest in interacting with anyone from her former life, even her parents as much as she loved them. She could not get past the memories of betrayal and her failure. She didn’t have to move forward, but she couldn’t look back.

She ended up running a used book shop that had a large number of very old looking texts that were almost never looked at. People came and went buying and selling their textbooks, classics and current best sellers. Marinette always had an eager smile to help them, but once they had gone she would be back perusing the books that seemed to call to her.

They were not listed in the computer at all. She had even tried to look some of them up and found no information on them, but they were exactly the kind of information she was looking for. Not all of them were useful to her but all were full of various sorts of magic she was previously unfamiliar with. It seemed that it was possible soul bonds were originally created or discovered by mixing different forms of magic. The book that mentioned it did not specify but she suspected that miraculous magic would have been involved based on her knowledge and what had happened with her own bond.

She started keeping careful records of all she had read and labeling the books so they could be found again rather than the haphazard pile the owner of the shop kept them in. He was rarely there and did very little to check up on her. She had originally gone to him about an ad for a place to live. He was a little surprised. He said the sign had been there quite a while and that no one even seemed to notice. He then asked if she needed a job and offered the position at the shop to her. She tried to remember if she had even given her name at this point. She was fairly certain she had not and that he had accepted her living in and running his shop knowing nothing about her.

---

Jason was getting a little frustrated in his search. He never seemed to have the time to do much and he couldn’t really delegate this task. Being a crime lord had its perks but down time was not one of them if he really intended to keep Gotham safe. There was a line of shops that his militia couldn’t seem to enter to recommend their services for protection. Every time they reported their income they seemed to even forget the buildings existed. One claimed that he had been there to the shop, but when he entered the door moved and he was no longer inside.

The rest of the crew was far more amused by the tale than Jason was. He sent them all out and decided he would have to pay the shops a visit himself. The first one was a small second hand shop. They didn’t seem to have much of value and little business. Jason learned that they did what sales they could but mostly the money went right back out. They gave away most of the clothes and served food in the evenings. They didn’t get much foot traffic so it was mostly internet sales from the donations.

He didn’t want to ask for protection money. He felt at peace when he entered. Except for a tug. He flipped the book of figures closed and walked over to the jewelry case. There were hair clips with blood red rubies inside that he felt drawn to. He had the old woman show it to him. He flipped it over and then lifted it to the light. He didn’t even think it was particularly valuable. The woman confirmed. She said that it was very lovely but she couldn’t sell it.

“You seem like such a nice young man. Why don’t you just take that one with you. Maybe you’ll find yourself a nice young lady to give it to.”

She didn’t wait for a response. Jason could feel the soul mark warm on his skin at her words. She didn’t seem to notice his distraction. She walked away from the counter and towards the back of the store with her ledger. She didn’t return. When Jason walked out of the shop, he remembered his purpose in going. He turned to go back inside, but the door was no longer where he had exited.

---

Marinette was tired after work today. She hadn’t even had much of a chance to organize the old books today. She needed to get out of the shop. She rarely ventured away except to replenish groceries. She lived and worked in the shop and spent all her free time reading and cataloging the volumes of magic. She followed her gut and went out into the town. She wandered around for several hours, drew in a park appreciating the fresh air and checked out a few shops. She was almost home when she was drawn to a shop a couple doors down from where she lived and worked. She knew there were shops along the same building she worked in but she had never paid much attention to them. She entered the shop to find a second hand store.

She walked through the shop, trying to recreate the feeling that drew her in. Nothing really popped out at her. She glanced through the racks but there was nothing that really interested her. She tended to make most of her own clothing, occasionally getting fresh ideas or a few signature pieces to give her original designs a pop. Nothing here really even inspired her. She turned to wave at the older lady carefully cleaning the counter before she left through the door she entered but she paused.

There was an ankle bangle that drew her attention. It was a simple design, black with a small emerald cat attached. Usually she avoided black and green as reminders of her past betrayal but she felt a light pressure in her soul mark. It flashed in her eyes for just a second before fading to barely visible. The lady at the counter had not spoken but Marinette startled when she handed her a small package. She hadn’t realized she had lost herself in thought. The ankle bangle was missing so she assumed it was in the box.

“For you Dear, it isn’t doing anyone any good in here.”

The lady walked off with her cleaning rag and did not return. Marinette exited the shop but when she turned back to look at the building the door was no longer visible where it had been.

---

Jason was still frustrated with himself for how his visit in the shop had been. He actually was not interested in demanding payment from the shop. He had a soft spot for the places that fed those who needed it. He had used them a lot when he was very young and food was scarce. He even funneled money towards a few that were more reputable and not connected to Wayne Enterprises. He hid his involvement but it was essential to keep people fed to help with the crime. Every bit he controlled made all of Gotham safer. He wanted the children to grow up with enough food and options so they did not need to resort to crime and drugs. He would consider himself a success if he was able to put himself out of business as a crime lord.

He looked down at the hair clips from the woman at the shop. He didn’t know what it was about the rubies gleaming up from them. He was drawn to them as if he were looking into the eyes of the most intoxicating person. He picked them up to look closer but still they seemed entirely ordinary aside from his unnatural fascination. He slipped them in his pocket and headed out the door. He chose to go as Jason to check out the other shops before making an appearance as Red Hood. When he got to the location he felt a tug towards one door. He headed there first before he had even realized he had made a decision.

---

Marinette heard the little tinkle of the bell on the door while she was just about literally buried in a pile of the magical books. She had been switching back and forth feeling like she was on the verge of understanding something big so of course someone was in to buy a copy or Eat Pray Love or Alan Watts just to pull her away from her possible discovery. She tried to holler that she was on the way at the same time as she extricated herself from the pile but it didn’t quite work. She tumbled over into the pile of musty, dusty books. She groaned. There was nothing magical about the number of bruises she felt developing on her side and back. She halfway pulled herself out as she heard firm boot steps headed her way. She looked up at the man towering over her. He looked only briefly before he reached down and hauled her up by her arm. He dropped it like it burned him and she pulled away from him and the tingling spot where his hand had touched her. They both felt it at the same time and they had a matching glow from the soul marks on their arms. The glow flashed bright for a moment connecting them with a beam of light and then it went into the skin leaving the mark silver and lightly reflective.

“So, I guess you are my soulmate? I’m Jason.” he said.

“I’m Marinette, and If that is what you call your warped necromancy binding to my severed soul bond to you, then that is exactly what I am.”

“You had a soulmate before? I thought mine would have been lost when I died?”

“My original soul mate betrayed me and caused a rift that detached the bond. Your dark magic attached the bond to you.”

He just stared at her for a moment.

“It is only a matter of time before I figure out how to work around your warped magic.”

“Hey, I did not do dark magic. I was murdered and brought back as a child. None of whatever you are pushing off on me is my doing. Maybe I could help you. I have been looking for answers since the mark reappeared.”

“If you say so.”

She turned and walked away. He took that as a dismissal and decided to leave and come back later. She didn’t seem very interested in him leaving any sort of contact information so he decided to head home and return later. He didn’t make it all the way. He pushed on the door and the little bell jingled but the door did not open. He checked the lock and it wasn’t locked so he tried pushing again.

It stayed sealed so he looked back to see what she was doing. Maybe she had magic she had figured out how to use against him. He noticed the glow from his pocket when he turned back. He pulled out the hair clips and looked down at them. The red gems were shining brightly against his hand. He looked back at her and she seemed to be having a similar issue with a bangle with a dangling emerald charm. It was glowing brightly like the hair clips.

Their eyes met and a dark mist fell over them inside the shop. Marinette knew what this was. She worked her way through the mist to find the books she needed and her miraculous grimoire. She motioned for him to sit and she placed the bangle on the table. She tried to connect with Tikki and Plagg in her mind. It had become increasingly difficult but she hoped the mist would guide her thoughts so she wouldn’t have to take the time to do the full ritual. The mist swirled around with the red and green auras appearing and then forming together in the air before settling over the table with the jewels. Marinette used the book she had to read out a few unfamiliar phrases after the mist settled.

Jason was confused but he felt warm and comfortable rather than uneasy so he followed her lead. He didn’t know what was happening but his soulmark was glowing and putting out a green beam of light that went across the table to twist with the red glow coming from Marinette’s soulmark. He couldn’t help himself when he reached out and picked up the bangle she had set on the table. He watched her move almost at the same moment to pick up the hair clips he had brought. The red and green in the air swirled together to make one small cloud of red and one of green as the black mist faded. The small clouds became an almost definite shape, like fairies. The black filled in around until they were creatures with eyes and mouths. The black went into each of them making them no longer solid colors but the red appeared similarly colored to a ladybug and the green appeared as a black cat with bright green eyes.

Marinette lifted the clips to the ladybug fairy and the creature pulled it inside itself. Her hand was empty. He did the same with the bangle with the cat fairy. He still had no idea what he was doing, but it all felt right. When the bangle connected with the cat fairy he felt it lift the bangle out of his hand as it pulled and it disappeared inside the form. The soul bond was tugging him. He followed the pull and ended up right in front of Marinette. Her eyes were full of hurt and concern but she allowed him to pull her to him. All at once exhaustion rolled over him. He dropped onto the cushioned armchair near him and Marinette sat right there with him.

Continued below

Taglist

@jasonette-july-event | @theymakeupfairies | @emjrabbitwolf | @vixen-uchiha | @trythisagainlove | @trippingovermyfeet | @tbehartoo | @adrestar | @zynna

[like-rain-or-confetti]

Pendant (The Volturi x Reader)

You were quiet and often kept to yourself. That being said, you were still a joy in people's lives and that wasn't any different for the Volturi. Demetri was a charmer and made it his goal to make you blush multiple times a day. Felix seemed to follow suit although was slightly more protective of you as well as Heidi. The twins kept their distance but you hadn't felt their wrath and so that was a good sign. Alec had even said some brief sentences towards you without any malice but his expression was always completely blank. You couldn't read him at all. The leaders treated you no differently but it was apparent in how they thought of you. They thought you to be a child and you must have been in their eyes. Caius was always a little more patient with you than usual, Aro was just as keen to know your mind since you rarely spoke it. Marcus gave you your space with advice given here and there. He was more nurturing than the rest of the group and in your eyes, he for sure saw you as a child. 

You passed by Marcus' door with Aro and Caius before halting almost immediately just as they did. "Brother?" Aro tilted his head. Marcus was knelt on the floor, his back to the door, hunched over something. Aro entered the room and Caius was quick to out a hand on your back and push you forward and into the room with them. You looked down to see in his hand a ruby, encased in what looked to be solid gold. It must have been worth hundred of thousands at least. Then you noticed some oddities. The ruby was out of place, slightly jutting out. The gold chain lay in the floor with a small piece of gold hanging from it. Then it hit you what had happened. It was a pendant and it had broke. "Is that-?" Caius began. "Didyme's." Marcus said quietly, looking down at it. "One of her favourites." "What happened?" Aro asked. "It's old. The chain gave out and in the fall the dresser knocked the pendant." You were devastated for Marcus, your expression turning to one of heartbreak. Marcus lifted his gaze, catching eyes with your pained expression. "You mustn't worry. Things get old and they break." He looked down at the pendant. It was oddly fitting coming from him. Marcus was an old soul at heart even to this day and sadly, his heart was broke when Didyme died. Marcus let the pendant fall out his hand as he stood up. "It doesn't matter." Marcus left the room leaving the three of you in silence. 

Slowly you moved forward, out of Caius' grasp and you bent down picking up the chain and the pendant. Aro looked at the pendant in your hands. He obviously remembered it well and to see it was a heavy reminder of his sister's death. "What is it, my dear?" Aro asked finally. You looked down at the necklace for a moment before reaching out your hand. Aro took it. "You needn't worry about this, (Y/N). It was inevitable." ‘Let me try. Please let me try to fix it.’ “What is it?” Caius looked between the two of you. ‘Please.’ You pleaded internally. Aro dropped your hand. “Very well.”

You did a lot of research for a number of days after that. Marcus didn't even ask where the pendant had gone. You began to wonder if perhaps Aro and Caius told him of your plans. The chain itself would be the easy fix. The jewel itself would be an issue. You were worried that if you tried to push it back then perhaps it would break and how would you weld the jewel back onto the gold bar hanging on the chain? That was when you realised you'd need more assistance than anticipated. 

After some time, you convinced Heidi to let you go out, promising you'd only be down the street and she'd know since she was out for the tours. You had no clue how much it would cost but...you wanted to try. The jeweler gawked at first and you quickly came up with the story that if had been passed down from generations and your grandfather was heartbroken when his deceased wife's pendant broke. "He's very lucky to have a grandchild like you." The jeweler said and you smiled slightly. "Would you be able to fix it?" He nodded. "Yes but...it wont be cheap." "How much?" He was reluctant to answer. "Tell me, how much do you have with you?" "Five hundred." You responded. "This is more expensive because of its value with evident age but you're a good person. So I'll give you a discount." The jeweler continued. "Come back at five. I'll have it done for you by the end of the day." Suddenly an idea sprung into your head. 

You knew you had no chance of convincing Heidi to help you again and she wasn't exactly discreet most of the time. So you decided to try and convince someone who you knew could keep a secret.    "Why were you in here?" Alec asked before you opened the door to the jewelers. The man greeted you both, box in hand. "Here you are." You thanked him before handing over the money. Alec eyed it almost immediately but said nothing and you both left. "Where did you get all of that money from?" Alec asked finally. "It was mine." You said. "Yours?" "I had money saved up." You explained. "Had? Was...was that all of it?" Alec's eyes widened ever so slightly. You nodded. "Yeah."  "Why did you...? What did you buy?" He asked incredulously. "I wanted to fix Didyme's necklace. Marcus looked so sad that it was worth it." "You're kind." Alec stated as though the extent had just been made clear to him. You shrugged lightly. 

You briskly walked to the throne room, immediately apologising for being late. Caius was about to give you a wicked scolding until the three leaders turned their attention to the box you had in your hands. "What's that?" Aro asked lightly. "Forgive me, it's the reason I was out later than expected." You began. "It's for Master Marcus." The three looked surprised as Marcus turned his gaze to you. "What is it?" He asked before holding out his hand. 

You moved forward and climbed the few steps before gently placing the box into his hand. Marcus looked slightly confused yet moved to open it. Aro rose off of his throne to take a look over Marcus' shoulder. Marcus' eyes widened as he looked inside whilst Aro gasped. You froze in anticipation. 

Slowly Marcus lifted the pendant out of the box. It looked good as new, fixed and polished. Although there was a new detail. On the back of the gold playing, there was intricate engraving. 'Didyme.' As the silence continued you began to grow fearful. Had you done something wrong? Didn't he like it? Should you have left it alone? A million questions rushed through your head all at once and suddenly Marcus stood up. 

He gently put down the pendant and the box onto his thrown before descending the stairs towards you. His eyes were glistening slightly and darkening by the second, and you could see the true emotions he felt. The ones he tried to desperately to hide by a empty facade. Absolute heartbreak. The worst of the worst heartbreaks that make one wonder how in earth they're still standing. Marcus placed his hands on your shoulders. 

After a moment of looking into your eyes with his own filled with pain he pulled you closer to him and just like that, Marcus hugged you to him. He towered over you much like many of the Volturi members. One arm wrapped around your back and the other hand cradled the back of your head with a feather-like touch. Slowly you hugged him back. Marcus couldn't bring himself to speak and so in turn he could only hold you that little bit tighter ad his thumb stroked the section of your head his thumb could reach. Finally you barely heard him whisper out as best as he could. "Thank you, little one." 

At around eleven at night. You had already gone to sleep around half an hour ago and Marcus could still only stare at the pendant in his hands. His book was long abandoned despite being in the library, reading wasn't on his mind. As Alec caught side of Marcus whilst entering the library he curtly nodded and greeted him. "Alec, might I ask something of you?" "Of course, master." Alec approached him immediately. "You escorted (Y/N) back to us today, didn't you?" Marcus asked. Alec nodded. "I did. It was at around five o'clock." "Did they tell you how they managed to get it fixed?" "Well I heard they spent a few weeks trying to fix it but couldn't so they took it to a nearby jeweler under the pretense it was a family heirloom. I discovered that it cost them their savings." Marcus paused. "Pardon?" "Yes, I had a similar reaction. They accessed all of their money and used it to pay for the repairs." Alec responded. "All of it?" Alec nodded. "Yes, they don't have any money. That was the last of it." Marcus paused. "Thank you Alec, that will be all." Alec nodded and wasted no time leaving. 

The next morning, you were surprised to hear that Marcus had summoned you to his private study. "I was surprised that you had decided you wanted to fix the pendant. Aro and Caius hadn't told me." Marcus began. "I know how much it means to you." You said quietly. "No, you don't." Marcus said. "You know only what I openly express and I can assure you, my dear, this pain isn't merely skin deep. It's bigger than I could ever be." You nodded, looking down at the wooden floorboards. "However, that doesn't make you ignorant and I am happy to know you have never dealt with such a pain as I have. As a matter of fact, it says how empathetic you are. Seeing as you went through all the bother to fix the pendant despite me giving up on it. Although even that appears to be an understatement. Alec told me what you did to get it fixed." You tilted your head slightly and Marcus continued. "Alec told me you used your own money to get it repaired when you couldn't repair it on your own. Even more so, you used all of it. Is that true?" "Yes, master." You nodded simply. "That generosity is very noble of you, (Y/N) and no one in this castle is deserving of such a kindness. Therefore I feel it only right that I replace that money you spent." Marcus said. "Oh... master there is really no need to. I'm more than happy to have done it. It means a lot to you and if I can do anything to help you, I will." Marcus stared you down for a minute. "This world had always been a cruel place, little one. Your kindness is a gift to all and I fear this world may swallow you whole. However, I don't think I could ever let that happen." Marcus picked up an envelope from his desk and moved towards you. He took one of your hands and made you clutch the envelope. "Take it. I insist."

[chibimyumi]

The Circus Arc

Last week somebody asked me what my favourite manga arc is, and without a second of hesitation I answered 🎪. As I have already publically declared my love, it is only natural for me to write a love letter to the Circus Arc.

Why do I consider the Circus Arc the best still after more than a decade?

I. The true story

First of all, the Circus Arc is in my opinion the first arc wherein we truly get to meet the characters, as well as the series itself.

A protagonist who is dispensable in their own story is not a true protagonist. As touched upon in this post, before the Circus Arc O!Ciel was actually little more than a plot device to show off Sebastian’s many assets. “The Watchdog has a case because the Queen said so, Sebastian solves it.” “The Watchdog was kidnapped because Yana TOLD us he made life for the mafia a bit hard, so Sebastian saves him.” When Sebas said to his master “you truly have no other talent except for getting yourself abducted,” it sure rang very true until that point. It wasn’t as much a story of O!Ciel’s revenge as it was Sebas saving the day because: demon powers.

In the Circus Arc however, we truly got an insight on why this little boy could indeed have made life for the mafia hard, and why after two years the Queen still hasn’t fired him. As discussed in the post mentioned before, almost as a compensation for his prior starfishhood, O!Ciel had insisted on doing the investigation himself, even at the cost of his own health. We saw him actively cooking up strategies as well as dealing with any situation as they were met. O!Ciel really displayed a commendable aptness at playing the cards he has been dealt in the Circus Arc. In contrast, while Sebas did make many accomplishments, all his actions were the undertaken because of O!Ciel’s orders. In the Circus Arc we truly got to see how the boy is the chess player, and demon the black knight.

II. Our protagonists - into the core

The Circus Arc is likewise the arc wherein we actually get to meet our two main characters outside their token function.

We have seen Sebastian’s establishment as “the pawn that can move across the entire chessboard in one single move”. But without O!Ciel’s input or any price that the master would have to pay, Sebastian is easily just an ‘instant-win card’, an ironic “deus” ex machina, if you will.

As discussed in this post and this post, in the Jack the Ripper Arc Sebastian was quite dissatisfied with his master and therefore decided to teach his master a lesson at the cost of more innocent lives. However nasty, it had been O!Ciel who ordered for a subpar move, and technically the pawn “did nothing wrong.”

In the Circus Arc O!Ciel became meticulous about decisions regarding his chess piece. Principally there was nothing wrong with the order O!Ciel had given his butler about releasing the snakes before the first stringers would return, and Sebas who was bound to perfect completion of any order also didn’t do anything wrong, technically. However, it had already been established that as long as Sebas sees the interest himself he would find any loophole in orders to still benefit his master in one way or another. As it is, considering how Sebas did decide to release the poisonous snakes while his master was in the danger zone, we are left with a chilling conclusion that Sebas simply ‘did not see the interest’ of shielding O!Ciel from danger. For the first time we truly learn the extent of Sebastian’s nondiscriminatory nastiness; how indeed all humans are the same to him. For the first time we truly understand that O!Ciel is paying with much more than his soul for Sebastian’s services. This demon is a double-edged sword, but much more than swinging outwards, this sword has a tendency to swing inwards the moment the wielder allows for any opening.

Previously discussed in this post, we also see the full extent of Sebastian’s manipulativeness and toxicity in the Circus Arc. Sure, in other arcs Sebas is also manipulative, but all of those actions could still be categorised under “merciless honesty”. In the Circus Arc however, O!Ciel objectively did nothing wrong to be triggered and exhausted from the Circus shenanigans, and yet Sebas was unnecessarily re-triggering and victim shaming his master for some extra “flavouring”. If there had been any doubt whether Sebas is bad for O!Ciel, then surely the Circus Arc put all doubts to rest.

For the first time in the manga we also see a genuine obstacle for Sebastian that is for not also the final hurdle to overcome, like in the Ripper, Curry, Campania or any other arc really. In the Manor Murder and Werewolf Arc there were of course Earl Grey and Wolfram respectively, but in those cases Sebas mostly tried to outrun the obstacles. In the Circus Arc however, William is likewise a supernatural being, and Sebas knew very well that he can’t just neutralise William without causing more trouble than good. Hence we saw how Sebas tried to negotiate with William, and we learned that even Sebastian cannot just avoid hurdles. Negotiating with William did not work of course, so the story forced Sebas to be creative. It truly was great to see Sebas use his brain rather than demon-muscles to overcome a problem for a change.

While getting “creative”, Sebas displayed his aptitude for preying on humans in our weakest of moments. As explained in this characterisation of Sebastian, Sebastian is not terrifying because he has super powers, but because he understands human weaknesses like no other and uses our own weaknesses against us. Click here for an analysis of Sebas’ cross-media manipulation of Beast.

In this same arc we likewise truly understand the looming threat O!Ciel is dealing with, an explicit revelation of the monster Sebastian is. This scene from underneath is the most explicit moment telling us that Sebas is not just dwelling on Earth comfortably; he is holding out under a cover. This scene almost served as an alarming reminder to us: “beware, the demon can snap”.

What about O!Ciel? In our boy we saw his tremendous dedication to his job. Except for purposes directly related to the investigation, never once did he order Sebastian to make life easier for him. He never made Sebas secure food for him or do any of the chores for him. Surely Earl Phantomhive would consider himself above wrestling for food or scrub some floors, and yet he was willing to just take on any task without complaining. In no other arc do we see just how effective O!Ciel is as the Watchdog exactly because he is so versatile both in playing the ‘cute little boy’ card as well as the ‘feared Watchdog’ card.

Doll was an exceptionally well chosen “obstacle” for O!Ciel (more about her later). When Doll briefly wondered about why a peasant boy like Smile would speak in flawless RP, we saw O!Ciel’s ability of thinking on his feet, giving a very logical explanation of: “I served in a Lord’s household where I learned to speak proper.” When Doll caught him red handed when he sneaked into Snake’s tent O!Ciel also immediately pulled the “I didn’t steal anything!” card, skillfully tying it into his previous story as ‘the page boy who was fired for stealing’. We learned that the Watchdog really is willing to carry out his job through any means necessary, not just ‘the cool and edgy means’.

One of the best ways to get to learn a person is judging from their gut reactions. When O!Ciel was triggered in the final showdown he no longer had any energy to put on a strong front or think about matters rationally. He was in emotional pain and his gut reaction was to want that pain gone.

Even Sebastian who would not directly benefit from the case being completed advised his master against burning down everything. Even with the Queen’s commission as leverage however, the boy still yelled to have everything reduced to ashes. In this moment we also understood just how traumatising everything was to O!Ciel personally. This trauma response didn’t come from nowhere; everything that happened up until that point had been a logical build-up towards this inevitable result.

III. The Side Characters

A story cannot be told with just the main characters; you need to care about the interactions they have with others too. In my opinion the Circus Arc has delivered the most memorable side characters that linger with us even after death. In particular Joker and Doll.

Joker is a very fun, charismatic character as well as a person with many different sides. He is lawfully inexcusable, but we cannot help but sympathise, or at least understand how he too is a victim compelled into evil. Rationally we reject Joker’s actions, but partially it is because we have the luxury to do so. “Is this self defense? Would we, or how would we have done anything differently had we been in his exact shoes?” is a question worth considering.

Doll too; we see a child who lived a relatively happy life in the recent past. In the anime they made it explicit that Doll was complicit in all the kidnappings of the children, but in the manga it is more ambiguous whether Doll is fully aware of Kelvin’s agenda. This gives the effect that with the revelation of Joker always having taken most of the bullets, we understand that the torment Joker has been suffering was the price he paid to buy his siblings a more-or-less normal life. If O!Ciel sold his soul to the devil in the literate sense, Joker did so in the figurative sense in exchange for his family’s happiness.

IV. The Antagonists?

We do not spend too much time with Baron Kelvin, and he is a relatively simple character. But that is not bad as long as the villain’s threat reaches us. The horrors of Kelvin have always been quite clear; when children are harmed it triggers a gut reaction of disgust in most viewers. But the kidnapped children were not the functional victims in this story, it is the first stringers with Joker in the centre.

Kelvin has made a bunch of crippled children fully dependent on him, and used their own dependency as a currency to satisfy his own greed. Never once did he allow these children to forget how he could easily return them to the gutter from where he collected them. The kidnapped children were just numbers in the newspaper, but the first stringers are characters we spent time with. We have seen their suffering and we know they are just trying to get by. So it is all the more heartbreaking that children who merely wanted their basic human rights were turned into the antagonists that had to be exterminated. In the showdown between Joker vs Watchdog, the dynamic is shifted from “heroes vs child-kidnapping villains” to “villain-protagonists vs anti-villains”.

The Circus Arc is very special in how the villain impacts the readers, because the people affected matter to us. In the earliest arcs we didn’t REALLY care about O!Ciel, but he was the main person who suffered from the villains. With Sebastian around however, we don’t really worry. In the Ripper, Mansion, Campania and Potter Arc the main victims are characters we don’t spend any time with, so emotionally we don’t really care whether “evil gets vanquished”. In the Werewolf Arc we do have Sieglinde and Wolfram, and it is heartbreaking to see Sieglinde discovering that all her happiness had been a big lie and that to even her own mother she was nothing but a tool. But in the very least she did grow up happily, she survived and has a fresh chance to start a new life, and the person closest to her (Wolfram) is still with her.

For the first stringers however... all had been meaningless, all is finite.

As expertly described by Sebas in the musical adaptation of the Circus Arc, humans are pathetic because we are merely “accumulating sins in the version of hell [we] have chosen to live.”

V. From foil to team members

The servants at the Phantomhive manor were originally just designed to be foil for Sebas to demonstrate his awesome butler skills. I don’t know whether they were liked at first, but for one I do know that many found them quite annoying or pointless too.

The Circus Arc is the first time we see the significance of the Phantomhive servants, that they’re not just there waiting to be fed by O!Ciel because... he’s a philanthropist of some sort? Yana had made some questionable decisions at first, and she clearly regretted those ‘choices’. I personally see the Circus Arc as her first demonstration of her skills as story writer, and her public proclamation of: “this is Kuroshitsuji’s potential!”

Had the entire series started with the Circus Arc, then surely the animated series would have gotten a much higher budget and a better time-slot for airing.

VI. Humour

The humour in the Circus Arc is also great, but nothing was shoehorned in there for the sake of laughs, neither do these moments disturb the tone of the story.

Everything was funny because they were the inevitable consequences of putting these people together. William had been established as a demon-racist plank, and when made to cooperate with a demon, of course he would say: “my hands will rot”. When called “four-eyes”, of course he would say: “it’s SUIT”.

Many of the comedic moments are centred around our protagonists’ inconveniences, but nobody is inconveniencing them for the sake of inconveniencing them. When Sebastian was not trying to leave the vicinity William mostly let him at peace. O!Ciel for example also couldn’t do many things simply because Doll was clinging to him. But she did not know what was at stake and her actions were well grounded in her immense desire to make new friends. “You are young, I am young. You lost an eye, I lost an eye. Let’s be FRIENDS!”

This is in stark contrast with how ‘funny inconveniences’ were staged before using Lizzie or Grell for example. Lizzie was a drag to O!Ciel because... she’s a girl who wanted everything to go HER way... and Grell was a drag to Sebas because she... is a girl who wanted everything to go HER way.

VII. Ending

The ending of the Circus Arc also carried a bitter-sweet tone that most other arcs do not present. The thematic of “demons dwell in the human nature of stepping on others” is perfectly addressed in the Circus Arc, but it does not end with: “so don’t be evil!”. The Circus Arc simply highlights the issue and reminds us that ‘stepping on others’ does not exist in a vacuum.

Had the objective of the series not been established as “boy who swore on revenge”, and instead be: "rethinking evil”, then the Circus Arc alone would have told the story sufficiently.

The finale of the Circus Arc resonates with its audience because the core principle on which Kuroshitsuji is built is a narrative humankind has always wanted to externalise, but without success: “demons are only as evil as humans allow their own evil to show”.

[lynasushi]

Recognition || angst

Vil and Neige’s backstory theory + ending of chapter 5 (twisted wonderland)

Tw : physical abuse, death, angst, mentions child physical abuse (by another child)

Spoiler chapter 5

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was over. Dreams, hopes, all of his efforts ; nothing was left except despair, anger and shame. 

He didn't even know if he still had a heart- it felt as if someone had cut off the ties between his heart and mind. 

Then, why did he feel it tearing apart ? Why did he feel the cold slowly eating his whole being ? 

His heart was still there...but for how much longer ?

Betrayed, and now alone...even if deep inside he knew that some of those who loathed him had valuable reasons ; they didn't know the truth. 

They didn't know how much he had suffered to become who he was . How painful it was to work endlessly and perfectly without getting the reward his heart begged for.

Recognition. 

Recognition as his own person, not as Neige's rival, nor as the second after Neige ; but as Vil Schoenheit, a successful model and actor, the one whose constant dedication was seen as an example to everyone. 

But..did they ever give him a chance ?...Why would they, when Neige's shadow has been suffocating him since his youngest age ?

Neige, the perfect angel naturally succeeding in everything he does, the hero of Twisted Wonderland- against Vil, the one who would never surpass the blinding light of the fresh snow, no matter how much effort he’d put in over the years ; the eternal villain whose fate was to live in the shadows for the rest of his existence. 

This feeling of constantly drowning and being pushed back, whenever he would be about to breathe and feel the rays of the sun on his skin. 

For years, he had been able to keep his head above water, but he knew that one single mistake would make him fall back into the deepest parts of the ocean. 

And so it happened. Today, on stage, when he could've instead felt the warmth of victory for the first time in his life, he was instead cast away into the abyss, far away from everything he fought for, everyone's eyes judging him as if he were the greatest disappointment, the worst failure that ever lived.

If only… if only they could see that the one that they'd always seen as an angel was in reality, the worst demon ever created. 

A perfect demon indeed- flawless from the outside, and rotten deep inside. Constantly pushing Vil to the edge and using against him an act that he had never forgiven himself for. 

The death of Neige's mother, Vil's stepmother. An accident that only these two had witnessed.

But it didn't matter anymore. 

Staying silent or revealing the truth ? He had lost anyway. He had lost since the beginning, since his mother had fallen ill and died, leaving him all alone with his father, who’d suddenly brought another woman in their life, accompanied by his eternal rival, Neige. 

And what followed definitely cost Vil's right of happiness and freedom. 

It was just an accident...but buying Neige's silence cost him a lot…

What was happening now- was this his punishment for what happened ?...Did he really deserve it ? 

...

"Vil-san, are you feeling alright ?" 

...his voice...it's shattering and reducing to dust the remaining of my heart….stop it….just stop it….

"What a monster ! Hitting the students like that during daily training ! Tch, I can't believe I admired him once ! Neige is such a sweetheart, not an ounce of wickedness in this boy !"

"Schoenheit is such a loser ! No wonder Neige has always been first !" 

…..stop it….

"Calm down everyone ! I'm sure that it's not what we believe ! Let's try to talk to the student we see on the video to get some answers !-"

…..stop talking,,Neige Leblanche….you're the one who posted this video….and Rook gave it to you...stop pretending….you planned this all along, right ?....

"-everyone calm down, I'll talk privately to Vil-san, try and find the boy from the video. We can do this together !"

I said….stop it…..you hypocrite...stop hiding what you did to me…

"Wooaa Neige-san is so kind-hearted !!"

"Yeah ! I'd never give another chance to a bastard like Schoenheit !"

...leave me alone...I can't do this anymore….

"Come Vil-san ! Let's talk in a quieter place..."

Neige took Vil's arm and his body seemed to move on its own, like the puppet he has always been to the other.

They entered the official building rented especially for VDC, but Vil couldn't even tell the hallways and rooms apart, his eyesight blurry and his head constantly ringing. 

He suddenly heard the sound of a doorknob clicking, and of a door opening then closing behind them. 

That's when Neige abruptly threw him on the floor, the ringing in his head becoming a deafening whistling. The pain ? He couldn't feel it anymore- he was now nothingness, a mere physical envelope that had to endure whatever life was throwing at him. 

He had suffered for so long that now, he just felt... empty. It was no use to try to scream and protest ; it was no use when one didn't believe that they deserved better. 

"Ha... all these years you thought that you could beat me, Villain ?" 

Neige's shoe harshly crushed his jaw- the pressure in his head was now unbearable,  his mind filling with a thick fog, cutting him off from everything else….his heart was slowly disconnecting ; incidentally, all will to fight back was escaping him. 

"You're a murderer, and weak, just like your mommy. No wonder your dad looked for someone better...and what did you do to her ?....

You killed her you bastard-"

Vil received a kick in his lower abdomen, and he felt a scream forcing its way through his throat :  a pain-filled cry that resonated, breaking the sepulchral silence of the room. 

This kick….just like all the other ones he received during his childhood, from Neige...that he then transmitted to Epel. 

Epel…he reminded him so much of Neige- a version of Neige that was still unsure of himself….and deep inside, he was a beautiful being ; unlike this fake angel.

That was... why he couldn't contain his anger when Epel was there, it felt like tasting the sweet and sour taste of his vengeance upon Neige- a vengeance that would never see the day.

"Your unique magic is to curse all those around you, because you yourself are one. I wish you could just throw a sleeping spell on yourself, just like you did to my mom.

Neither alive nor dead…..hahaha- actually…just like right now ~ ahahaha..." 

"....I-."

Neige removed his foot from Vil's face, a surprised expression appearing on his visage that could seem candid if it wasn't for his malevolent smirk. 

"What's wrong ? You wanna say something, Villain ?...admit that you're a murderer, perhaps ?"

Vil gulped, the words could hardly leave his burning throat ; but if there was a moment in which he had to use his remaining strength to blurt out itching words clawing at him, this was it.

".....an..accident…...is..was…..an..accident...I didn't-"

"Of course it was an accident- I know this already. I was there, remember ? But you also seem to forget-" 

Neige crouched down and violently turned Vil's face towards him, tightly gripping his hair as the former laughs, "- that no one will ever believe you- you are the Villain that everyone despises. Unlike me, you aren't that good of an actor !" 

Vil painfully hissed, his scalp scorching and his neck painfully twisting towards Neige, eyes full of disbelief and despair.

He definitely couldn't escape this. He was trapped, and it was only the beginning of this nightmare. No one, to help him or to save him.

"You lost Villain, trying to reach my level has always been a waste of your time. You'll now die in the mind of everyone, no one will ever remember you, and I, will be the most loved person in this world. Your father will be proud of me and only me, and he’ll call me his only son, because you are, after all, just an unworthy being ; unworthy to even consume the oxygen of this world. Be grateful for what you have now- it'll always be much more than what you deserve."

Neige dropped Vil's hair, letting the blond’s head crash onto the cold floor painfully, then headed towards the door- but before he stepped outside, he paused, and turned towards Vil slightly- or at least, he did from Vil's perspective, judging by how Neige's feet were now pointing in his direction- and let out a deep and...happy sigh. 

"Well ! Time to find the others now ! Wish me luck, Vil-san !" 

He left and closed the door, leaving Vil, all alone, lying on the floor. 

...finally, it was over. He could finally suffer on his own, savouring the silence unpolluted by the voice of that white demon. 

..Did anyone know that he was here ?

..Who would care anyway ? He surely was shown everywhere as the worst monster of Twisted Wonderland.

Neige made him feel even more worthless than the word itself. Rook and Epel….would they try to find him ? No, of course not..but if they did- would it be to help ? Or... to push him even farther into this endless darkness ? 

He then realized the inevitable : 

no one would ever miss him. 

Neige was right all along. 

The Queen had been defeated.

~~

[strawberry-sanrio]

R.I.P 2 MY YOUTH PART 1

R.I.P 2 MY YOUTH PART 1

10k x reader

warnings: angst

word count: 2.5k

description: i was mostly inspired by the bridge of this song for this oneshot. anyways basically the reader is murphy’s niece who they had found along the way in season one. reader fell into a one sided love with 10k and he never looked her way ever, not until now (takes place in the beginning of season 3).

·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙　✩　*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ 　　.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙　✩　*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .

None of them had expected to find somebody related to their least favorite member of the group, and they hadn’t. In fact, you had found them thanks to Citizen Z who had willingly led you to them knowing you were very much still alive. That was one thing, but the thing they had least expected was you as a person. You were absolutely nothing like Murphy, not even in the slightest way. Your personalities, mannerisms, and even looks were different in every way possible. Even so, there was no doubt that you two were related- not with the way Murphy treated you.

The strange hybrid had a soft spot for you, he always had since you were born. His older sister had you when he was about twenty-five and from the moment he saw you in the hospital room, he just knew you were a little bottle of sunshine. Although he was always grumpy and acted tough, the man would take you out for ice cream and buy you gifts. Even when he entered prison for postal fraud, you visited him with your mother at every chance you could. The last time he saw you was when you were thirteen. Not knowing whether or not you were still alive was something that often kept him up at night, more than most things did at least.

So when you met again and you joined their mission, it was only normal that the man would be overprotective of you in every and all situations, including those of first loves…. Needless to say, Murphy, just like the rest of the group, had seen it coming.

You and 10k were around the same age and had both been exposed to the cruelty of the world far too young compared to the rest of the members. You were a pretty girl, and he was a handsome young man- both strong and kind, always up for helping others at any cost. You would never forget the smile he gave you the day you met, and the way your heart sped. It was inevitable…. for you.

Tommy had not felt the same way. Sure, he loved you in more ways than one, but he was not in love with you. You made his heart race, sometimes, just like other girls did. You were beautiful, but so were other girls. He felt protective over you, just like he felt with the rest of his teammates. There was nothing different, or so he had thought.

You knew this. How could you not notice the lingering stares he gave Cassandra as she looked out the car window. Or when he gave the first prize rifle from the shooting contest to Brittany, a pretty girl he had only briefly met. Even Red, a random girl dressed in all red that mingled with Tommy quite well. Really, how he seemed to accept and return any attention given to him by any female near his age.

Taking all of this into consideration, you shouldn’t have been hurt when the blue-eyed beauty painfully rejected your feelings for him. But you were.

“Y/N,” he whispered, clearly distraught by your sudden confession. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen it coming, Doc had noted it to him long ago. “I… I don’t think right now is the right time.”

“You mean… For me, right?”

You looked over to Cassandra, who was sleeping on the floor on a blanket they had found along the way. Even sleeping, without having showered in quite some time, and stained with blood- she was pretty. Prettier than you, you had thought.

Before the clearly conflicted boy could answer, you shook your head- your beady eyes becoming even shinier in the pale moonlight. You gulped.

“It’s whatever, please just forget it,” you told 10k, giving him a reassuring smile that probably wouldn’t have fooled anybody but him. Maybe it didn’t even fool him, but he took it anyways.

A part of you had wished that he wouldn’t forget it and maybe feel awkward around you, so that you would know that your feelings sincerely reached him, but he didn’t. In fact, he acted so casually- it began to hurt. You knew that you should’ve stopped feeling for him and given up then and there, and you did… for a while. For a while you thought about nothing but taking out your feelings by killing zombies and completing the tasks needed for the mission, but as you buried your feelings deeper- they only grew by tenfold.

When Cassandra died and came back as a strange hybrid thanks to your uncle, having to see 10k suffer because of her only made things worse. The pain only grew and he began to distance himself from everyone around him. Even through this, you remained by his side. You left your uncle to follow him, and you pushed through the agony. The little moments you shared with him- chatting underneath the stars in the back of the pick up truck and him teaching you how to fish.

After she actually died, at his hands, you helped him heal as much as you could and he let you. You and Tommy were practically attached at the hip, even when you slept- he would stay beside you and take watch. Perhaps it was because he had already lost so many people, if he lost you- he probably wouldn’t be able to live with himself.

Needless to say, Murphy was not happy about any of it. He had never liked 10k in the first place, even less when he killed Cassandra, but the fact that you were helplessly in love with him and would defy your own uncle for a boy… It was infuriating, to say the least. Deep down he knew that 10k was a good person, much better than anybody else out there, but even so he couldn’t accept it. Not even when you were on the floor crying for him as he got shot thanks to a team of bounty hunters who were after the one and only blue hybrid man.

“10k,” you croaked out, tears daring to escape your beautiful e/c eyes that seemed even more majestic to him as everything was a bit hazy. “They’re going to take you to the submarine where there will be doctors, uncle Murphy will be there too- don’t worry.”

Despite having been shot, your words were as clear as daylight to him, after all, Tommy had always focused in on your voice.

“But- but what about you, Y/N?”

You shook your head, sniffling lightly in worry for the boy who you loved so much. The sight before him now reminded him of the day he rejected you… He regretted it. Now having to go alone with only Murphy made him realize how weak he was without you and how hard it would be. He had taken you for granted.

“No,” 10k refused, trying to get up, ignoring the agonizing pain coming from his abdomen. “I’m not going without you, Y/N.”

“Shhhh you’re right when you come back when you’re all healed up you will not be going anywhere without me, but for now you have to go okay? When you get back you can tell us all about it. I’ll be waiting for you, all of us will.”

The other members nodded in agreement and gave the ravenette encouraging smiles that told him to go on. Hesitantly, he nodded back and let you help him up.

“I’ll be back,” the boy affirmed, staring deep into your orbs. “I promise.”

You smiled, giving him a friendly kiss on the temple before handing him off to the guards and turning to your uncle who was awaiting your goodbye.

Believing you probably weren’t going to be seeing him for a very long time (if ever), you gave him a tight hug, the tears finally escaping your eyes as you hugged goodbye your only living family member.

“Please be safe, uncle Murphy,” you told him, hugging him even tighter. “And… Please keep him safe. Keep 10k safe, for me, please.”

The blue man hugged you back, almost tearing up as well. He had always been attached to you, but the apocalypse somehow managed to tighten your relationship even more than ever before.

“Don’t worry, kid. Lover boy will be fine.”

The two of you pulled away, both wiping away the tears that had unwillingly fallen.

“Stay out of trouble, uncle Murphy.”

“Never.”

And that was the last time you had seen either of the men you loved. Even after the submarine had sunk, apparently your uncle had come back for you and the others when you were out using the bathroom at a somewhat inconvenient time. According to Roberta and the others, 10k was not with the blue man. When they told you that, your whole body froze. There was no way 10k could’ve died- there was no way Murphy would let that happen, now when he knew how much his niece adored him. It was pretty much impossible, but it made no sense. If he was alive, where was he? And why hadn’t he come back to her as promised?

You decided not to follow after your Uncle. If it was true that the boy you were in love with was dead because of your uncle, you couldn’t bear the thought of being with him. You were much better off with Roberta and Addy- who both knew the feeling of losing the men they loved. And Doc, who cared for 10k almost as much as you did.

You had hope that Murphy would give up there, but he didn’t. No, in fact, he returned for you.

“My dear niece, Y/N,” he called out, coming out of nowhere with his arms wide open.

You hugged him, obviously excited to see your only relative, but also eager to hear from him what really happened to 10k. There was no way he was dead.

Once you pulled away, you gave him a ear-to-ear grin— finally asking the question you had on your mind.

“So where’s 10k?”

Murphy stopped smiling.

“He’s fine, honey. Just come with me and I’ll explain everything. We will build a new world with doctor merch and you and him can live happily ever after! It will be great,” he explained, pulling you along as he walked God knows where.

“W-wait what?” You stuttered, your eyes widened at his strange words. “I... Heard somebody with very precise aim shot at Warren’s feet. Was it 10k?”

Murphy was silenced by your question, not knowing what to say next. He could lie to anyone, anyone but you. He had done enough of that to his whole family and it ruined his life before the apocalypse had even started. The only relationship he managed to salvage were those of his sister and mother. Now... What would happen?

The relationship’s demise was coming soon, either way. If he lied, there was no point— she would find out soon enough and it would be even worse.

“Yes.... and no.”

You furrowed your eyebrows, subconsciously backing up as this confirmation of the information you had obtained processed.

The blue hybrid knew he wouldn’t have to explain. You were a bright girl, it wasn’t long before the realization seeped into your features— later coming the denial.

“No,” you denied, shaking your head furiously. “You didn’t.”

“Sunshine, I had no other choice.”

You shook your head even more, tears slipping out of your pained orbs.

“Tell me you didn’t bite him. Murphy, tell me you didn’t.”

He didn’t say anything.

You pushed forward hitting him on the chest as hard as you could, punch after punch as you cried— angrily shaking your head.

“You didn’t!”

Your cries became even louder, and your punches even stronger— actually beginning to hurt the blue man.

“Y/N that’s enough.”

“No, no, no, no!”

You pushed him to the ground, getting on top of him and continuing to punch his chest in utter and pure resentment.

“You did not bite 10k!”

“I had no choice.”

His words seemed to set something off deep inside you that only made you even angrier, giving you more strength to actually seriously injure him— and it didn’t go unnoticed by him. He was worried for himself.

“You has no choice?! That’s bullshit! Utter bullshit! You may be able to miraculously fool everybody else with your pathetic excuses but not me Uncle Murphy!” You shook your head. “Not when I’ve been hearing them my whole life!”

Oh boy. That was not the correct choice of words. They stabbed him far further than any injection ever had and they reached something nothing else ever had— his heart. He did not like that. Without even thinking about it, he internally called for help— summoning just the person you were arguing over. Except... it wasn’t him. Not really.

Tackling you to your side, 10k held a knife to your neck— pinning you down so you would be unable to hurt your uncle, his master, any more.

You looked up at him. It wasn’t him. You knew that. You knew that there was no way in hell that the 10k you loved and knew would ever hold a weapon up to you, not even in a life or death situation. Even before his emotionless icy blue eyes you could sense the struggle between his will and newfound impulsive nature that only told him to serve Murphy. And even though it hurt you, you knew that deep down it was hurting him by tenfold. To know that he had become exactly what he had seen in Cassandra, you were sure that the disgust and needless guilt would submerge him fully under soon enough.

“10k, it’s okay,” you told him, smiling despite your shaking body. Anybody would be a fool not fear him, even more so now that he was under a certain cynical blue man’s control.

“It’s okay. If you hurt me it’s okay, I’ll let you. I’ll forgive you no matter what.”

Even in the state of mind he was in, frenetic with the side effects of Murphy’s bite, your words reached the back of his head where his thoughts were only as loud as a whisper— and his heart swelled at your gentle words. Even though it had only been a few days since he last saw you, you seemed so much more beautiful than before. Your voice seemed sweeter and your eyes, deeper. He wondered if you had always looked that way and he was just a blind idiot. More notably, he wondered if anybody else had seen you the way he was seeing you. The thought of it made him uncomfortable, and even a bit upset.

Before he had the time to think next about what you were doing, you somehow managed to flip him over and get on top of him, now hovering over him— letting any tears that were left drip onto his abnormally pale face.

“Y/N?” His voice croaked out, looking up at you— torn.

“I’ll come back for you, I promise.”

Before he could say anything more or think about the words you had spoken, you jumped off of him and went running back to where Warren and the others were waiting for you. You didn’t say anything to them, you couldn’t. You were still in shock.

There were a lot of questions you needed answers to, and you were not going to settle until all of them were answered.

[wtf-yoongi]

One minute.

pairing | seokjin x reader

summary | almost two years have passed since you last saw jin when you stumble upon each other one chilly saturday afternoon

genre/warnings | might break your heart and make you sad but ends on a good note because this is fiction not real life lol

words | 1,645

note | wasn’t really going to write a sequel to this, but thewoundsinmyheart kinda talked me into it? thank you for your kind words, they really meant the world to me :) this thing was turning dark again, but i made it happy for you. hope you like it woooo

Jin doesn’t believe his own eyes. You are there, right there – and he can’t find it in him to do anything for a moment.

When you pass by, looking down at your phone, your perfume is different. You’re wearing a white pair of snickers like you always do on weekends, but these are different and foreign to him. Your hair is much shorter now and he can’t believe you finally had the courage to chop more than a couple of inches at a time. Jin shouldn’t be surprised at the fact you’re taking his breath away so effortlessly, but he is. There’s just something different about the way you’re walking down the street and he can’t quite figure out what it is.

Things start to feel like they’re happening in slow motion.

Maybe it’s just you. The new you. The idea of you living any better without him is something that pains and relieves him at the same time. He’s so incredibly glad to see you glowing like this and so immeasurably sad that he can’t be around to witness any of it.

It’s just too much. He knows the long, wool coat you’re wearing all too well, but there’s nothing else he’s familiar with when he sees you – and that breaks his heart even further somehow. After all these long months, he thinks, you’d imagine him to have healed completely and moved on with his life, right? Well, he’s good at pretending this is exactly what happened.

It still hurts. Losing you. Paying the highest price for something he always wanted to do, but never imagined having to leave the love of his life behind for it. It hurts so much he stops in his tracks and turns his body in the direction you’re walking to without even thinking, as if his body is being drawn to you. He knows, he just knows you’re going to open the door to the coffee shop just a few steps ahead.

Truth be told, Jin did some things on purpose. He wanted this to happen, he dreamt about this more than he would like to admit. He looked for a place in the same neighborhood you both lived before, bought groceries at the same supermarket when there is one just two blocks from his new rented apartment. At the back of his mind, he tried and tried to convince himself he didn’t do it on purpose, but because that’s what he knew about how his life went back home. That’s how it went for three whole years and there is nothing he would like to change about that.

Before his brain can even process all this new information, his heart is telling his mouth to open up and say something. Anything to get your attention, anything to make those eyes fall on him again even if it’s just for a second.

He’s calling your name. His voice isn’t the loudest, just enough for you to listen from 30 feet in a mostly empty street. When you turn around, it’s like the air left his lungs for good and he can’t breathe anymore.

There isn’t surprise in your eyes, but, instead, warmth. It’s almost as if you knew in your heart he was back and were just waiting for the moment this would inevitably happen. There’s the tiniest of smiles on your lips and, honestly, Jin doesn’t care how tiny it is because he’s all about how your eyes seem to smile as well.

Damn. He missed that.

Jin takes long strides in your direction, trying not to look too excited at the same he just craves you – to be nearer at any cost. It’s like you’re a magnet and he just needs to be closer, closer and closer.

“You’re back,” you state the obvious when he’s close enough, voice small and hands right next to your body. Jin has, too, changed a little. Two years can make someone completely different and unfamiliar, but he could never be that – he just looks wiser now. His hair is longer, the clothes are new. But his eyes are as inviting as before.

“I am.” He nods, a small smile appearing on his lips just from the sight of you. There’s literally nothing else Jin wished that could happen on this day – nothing. “It’s been a few months, actually.”

“Oh, really?” You ask and he can finally see surprise in your face. “I didn’t think you’d be back for a while longer…”

“I did some extra credits in my first semester,” Jin explains, but doesn’t mention the reason behind it. “Ended up doing enough to finish a little earlier.”

“Oh, that’s nice, I guess,” you say and nod in a shy way. It is nice to finish early, right? “I mean…”

“Yeah, I wanted to come back home…” 

Jin interrupts and you try not to let his tone get in the way of thinking rational thoughts. Of course he wanted to come home as soon as possible, being a foreigner is definitely a weird experience and…

“I couldn’t wait to go back into, uh, my normal life.”

There it is. The thing you were dreading. Jin was never the one to beat around the bush, was he? Something’s truly never change.

There’s just something weird about it all. You knew you were bound to cross paths with him again, but you just wished it happened later and later. Maybe he would’ve found someone else, gotten married, had kids and all, and then you would meet again. Just enough for you to think to yourself well, he’s happy, he’s found a family he loves, things are good.

All of that just so you didn’t have to imagine what it would be like if you met again. If that letter never came in, if you stayed together. But look at him now – late into his twenties, but still looking fresh out of college. As charming as he was the first time you met. As picky about food. As annoying as he has always been to get things done his way. You can even bet this encounter is how he wanted things to go and the universe just worked in his favor – it always has. Your small universe just happened to pass by his enormous one.

The fact that he had to leave was just one little flaw. The only thing that he didn’t want to happen, but happened anyway.

“Do you want some coffee?” Jin asks after a few moments of slightly weird silence, pointing to the coffee shop entrance just a few feet away. “You’ve always loved this place.”

“Jin, I…”

You take a deep breath and he notices it. It’s not that you don’t want coffee or that you don’t want to have a casual conversation with him – this is not at all the case. But you did so much burying, so much working around his stuff – your stuff too. You realized just how much of him there was in your life after seven years together and how much cleaning up and throwing out it took to finally be able to breathe normally again.

Does he really have the right to come back and make everything his again like nothing happened?

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t…” He stops suddenly and you finally raise your eyes to meet his. They aren’t as warm as before, now a little concerned and apprehensive. He releases a deep breath. “I just want to talk to you. We don’t have to have coffee today.”

“I know,” you say with a small voice. Suddenly, you’re looking at your feet again. “I want to talk too, I’m just…”

I’m just not sure if we should.

Is the universe against Seokjin a second time? There’s no way.

“Can I text you?” He asks all of a sudden. He knows he has to retrace some steps and take it slow. “Texting is better. Your number is still the same, right? I had to get a new one.”

You move your head just slightly to let him know that, yes, your number is still the same. Jin takes a step closer and gets his phone from his coat pocket.

You would deny it until the very end, but your heart starts racing. And all it took was a minute. One freaking minute. Months of telling yourself you would heal and the healing process itself – all gone now. All forgotten somehow. Is that really the kind of power he holds over you even after all those years?

He’s tapping the screen and, soon, your phone starts ringing. Your hand doesn’t even bother to reach for it.

“Don’t overthink this, I just want to know how’s your life,” he reassures you and you can’t stop thinking about how well he knows how your brain functions. “Do you still want coffee? I can buy you one and leave if you want.”

“No, it’s ok.” You’re quick to answer. Maybe too quick. “I have to go home anyway. Today’s a friend’s birthday and we’re going to surprise her with a cake. Can’t be late.”

“Oh, good.” Jin has a small smile on his face now, the worry gone from his eyes. “Have fun.”

“Yeah, I’ll… I’ll just go now.”

You both wave shyly as you start to take a few steps backwards. When you finally turn your body around, you notice just how tightly you are holding onto the strap of your bag. You are so tense you even jump a little when you feel your phone vibrate after a while.

Is it weird that I want to know if you got home safely? Because I do

You turn your head just slightly to see Jin walking slowly in the other direction, his back turned to you and head hanging low while texting.

Then, your phone vibrates again.

Let me know when you get home?

Read more ›› masterlist

[malpractiice]

FATHER. ╱ HEADCANON

trigger warnings: substance abuse, crime, prostitution (implied)

     growing up, avery was surrounded by friends whose fathers were cold, distant, and unloving: their relationships were tense at best and abusive at worst, and she was well aware that she was incredibly lucky not to be in the same boat. ever since she was a child, her father had been open, supportive, and loving - he’d wake up early to eat cookies and watch spiderman with her every morning before getting ready for work, he’d show up to every recital and tournament, and where her friends’ fathers were too busy with work to spend time with them, her dad just brought her with him to work whenever he could instead (little avery spent a great deal of time attending public trials that had nothing to do with her simply because she wanted to learn about her dad’s job and watch him work). he always had her back, and he always made her feel loved.

     her dad, in a lot of ways, was her best friend. and that, inherently, became the problem.

     harry, her father, had a terrible relationship with his own dad - he’d been strict, cruel, demanding, and always angry. as a result, he wanted more than anything not to put avery through the same things he had experienced - he wanted to be the kind of dad he’d always wished he’d had. but because he was so desperate not to be like his father, he ended up turning into the polar opposite. and in many ways, that was fantastic: he was warm, loving, and kind. in other ways, it wasn’t, because the line between father and friend was blurred, and inevitably crossed and left far behind. she snuck into his liquor cabinet when she was thirteen - his response was to just start buying her whatever alcohol she wanted whenever she wanted, because he wanted her to be happy, and he dismissed the parental responsibility to keep her safe and healthy in favour of maintaining that happiness, no matter the cost. she punched a classmate and broke his nose when she was fourteen - he paid off the kid’s parents to ensure they wouldn’t press charges, because keeping her happy and free of a criminal record was more important to him than holding her responsible for her actions and teaching her to face the consequences. 

     he wanted to be her friend more than her father - he wanted all of the fun parts of fatherhood (the bonding, the laughs, the love, the good times) and none of the tough ones. he didn’t want to jeopardize their relationship by reprimanding her, teaching her, or raising her with her own best interests in mind. and had their lives not fallen apart, the worst that would’ve come of that would probably just have been avery turning into a spoiled brat of a trust fund kid. 

     but when addiction turned to bankruptcy and bankruptcy turned to crime, the nature of their relationship had consequences far beyond some arrogant entitlement typical of so many in their socioeconomic circles. when her mother left and begged avery to do the same, she refused, despite all logic telling her to listen - her dad was her best friend, and she didn’t want to abandon him. she wanted to help him - save him. this, fundamentally, was the issue that started the beginning of the end for them: he had never been her parent, he’d been her friend, and this fifteen year old child was becoming her dad’s parent more than he had ever been hers because that was all she knew.

     avery would cover him in blankets and set out water and breakfast for him when he came home and passed out on the couch - she woke him up so he wouldn’t miss court dates because he’d crashed so hard from the coke that he couldn’t get up on his own. she picked him up when he passed out at the wheel and crashed one of his cars. she gave him clean urine when his work demanded drug tests. she let him pawn off her valuables when he lost everything so that they could keep their house. she worked two shitty, minimum-wage jobs to pay his bills and debts, and when she couldn’t keep up her grades alongside her work hours, the compromise she made to ensure she could still get her scholarship was to quit both and pursue a different kind of work - work a teenager should never have to do (work her father knew about, condoned, thanked her for). when he started selling drugs to finance his own addiction, she kept his books. when he owed the wrong people far more money than either of them could pay back, it was avery that arranged for them to clear the debt in return for his last luxury car while he was tied up in their trunk. she went with him into dangerous situations because in his words, they wouldn’t kill him with his innocent daughter right there. the list goes on - he relied on her like a partner in crime, in a way a parent should never rely upon their child, and she enabled him every single time because she was terrified to lose the dad she’d already long since lost. 

     it wasn’t until he was regularly in and out of jail that she started seeing that it wasn’t sustainable - she wasn’t saving him, and the ways she thought she was helping him were only making it worse. she couldn’t be his parent, and she couldn’t save him if he didn’t want to be saved or wasn’t willing to try to save himself. when she got the scholarship to harvard she’d been working so hard for when she was 18, she finally made one of the hardest decisions she’d ever made - to leave. to let him lay in the grave he’d dug himself or crawl out himself.

     he didn’t blame her; they stayed in contact, although their conversations dwindled more and more over time. she told herself it was because she was too busy with school, she made excuses upon excuses, even though the only one she was lying to was herself. the truth was that she couldn’t bear to talk to him - she could never stop blaming herself for abandoning him in the hell he’d made for himself. she heard his voice, heard his pain, and it broke her heart a little more each time to feel that her dad, her best friend, was suffering and alone because of her. because she couldn’t save him - because she gave up. because maybe if she had stayed, he would’ve been okay.

     when an armed robbery went wrong and he was sentenced to life in prison, she finally cut ties. it wasn’t because she resented him for the lives he’d unintentionally taken - although she’ll never see it, she doesn’t have enough empathy for anyone other than herself to care about the people whose lives he was responsible for ending - it was because his life was over, and she couldn’t handle the guilt anymore. she couldn’t handle the constant reminders that, to her, it was all her fault that he had nothing left. she was a coward, and instead of helping him through what might’ve been the hardest time in his life, she blocked his calls and ran from him instead to spare herself the pain.

     in time, she came to understand that as his teenage daughter, it had never been her job to save him or help him, and he never should’ve put her in a position to have to. she came to understand that it had been his fault for putting his dependent child in danger for his own benefit and wellbeing - he never should’ve shirked his duties as a father, he never should’ve treated his daughter like his business partner, and he never should’ve depended on his child like his child should’ve depended on him. it was his responsibility to raise her and keep her safe, and it was him that failed her, not the other way around. she still feels that guilt sometimes despite her better judgement, and she’s fully aware that only talking to him about it after all this time would be likely to give her any closure. but that brings us to the biggest truth that avery will, in all likelihood, never have the strength to admit to herself: she’s not staying out of contact with him out of guilt anymore.

     she’s running away from him because she’s turned into him, in all of the worst ways she was so determined to avoid, and talking to him again after so many years would force her to face it.

     she’s not ignorant to the fact that working for murkoff is no less criminal than the work her father started his own downfall by doing for the organization he eventually fell out with. she knows she’s fallen into addiction just as severely as he had, with just as little interest in ever pursuing sobriety. she’s fully aware that just as he had with her and everyone else in his life, she’ll use anyone (no matter who they are to her) and throw them aside when they’ve outlived their usefulness. she knows her values have eroded with time, pushed aside in favour of the pursuit of her own success. she’s consciously aware of all of those things - she can live with herself for that. but the moment she’s forced to acknowledge that all of those faults put her right down on his level, she’ll fall apart, and she can’t do it. she won’t be able to live with the knowledge that she became the exact same kind of person who destroyed her belief in good, who took her childhood and threw it away, who made her give up on the idea that she was anything more than alone in the world, with no one to have her back but herself.

     she doesn’t see that her father did everything he did either because he just wanted her to be happy or because he was so desperately broken by addiction that he felt he had no other choice. she doesn’t see that she’s done worse than he ever has simply because it benefited her, interested her, because she wanted to.

     avery healed by believing her father was a monster, and she would break if she was forced to see that she’s far worse.

[transjoyblog]

The 5 Most Powerful Lessons I Have Learned from Chasing Financial Independence

Photo by KANIKA PANT on Unsplash

I have always been interested in money. I have always understood the value of saving for something you want and the value in owning your own means of making more money. My mother always told me that working for someone else would never be stable and the only way to independence is owning your own business. This is not exactly true, but this advice did spur my interest in the concept of financial independence. I ran across this idea for the first time when I was maybe 17 years old. I read an article by the great Mr. Money Mustache and ended up doing a deep dive on his website. I was inspired. I thought that I had finally found the solution to the risk associated with owning a business. I was going to be financially independent.

Then I got a little older and had to start providing for myself and my girlfriend. We had a goal of moving out of our parents house, and the tiny little desert town where we grew up, to move to a much larger (read: more expensive) job market. That’s when I learned my first lesson:

Financial independence is simpler than it seems, but that doesn’t mean it’s easier.

If you spend any amount of time on a blog dedicated to the FIRE movement you are bound to come across an article (or 10) about the few simple habits that lead to financial independence. These articles are really informative, and a helpful place to start when building frugal habits, but this simplicity belies frugality’s true nature. Put simply, being frugal is hard. Really hard. My girlfriend and me have made some big sacrifices. When I wasn’t making any money, (think $500/month) we didn’t have many friends. We hung out at my girlfriend’s sister’s house a lot, and we ate really simply. Oatmeal for breakfast, rice and beans for lunch, and we went over to her parents house for dinner more often than we wanted to simply because we would otherwise go without dinner. Other factors contributed to this particularly extreme situation. My girlfriend was very sick, so she couldn’t eat well even if we could have afforded it, and she was so weak that maintaining friendships was basically impossible. We also weren’t perfect about it, even when I was making that little. I failed, messed up, got angry, frustrated, and worn out more often than I was successful, but that all served the larger goal of teaching me that simple habits do matter, but I couldn’t expect them to be easy to execute.

2. Know thyself

This particular period of our lives was also filled with navigating the consequences of our parents financial mistakes. My mother decided to take out huge student loans just to get my sister out of the house, and send her to a rather expensive university in the middle of the country. This proved to be a terrible decision. My sister ended up transferring to her local community college, for which she needed to take out more loans. All told, my sister came out with an AA and something in neighborhood of $60,000 of student debt between herself and the loans my mother took out on her behalf. I’m not sure how much of this my mother helped her with, but suffice it to say my mother was in a terrible financial position for awhile, one from which she has yet to fully emerge. This set of dubious decisions was motivated by more complex thinking than I have laid out here, but the end result is the same nonetheless. My mother stretched herself too thin.

If you are truly pursuing financial independence, you have to have a really clear picture of your finances, but you also have to understand how you react to financial pressure, how much risk you are able to take with your investments, and you have understand what your target is. If you are the kind of person who just throws money at a problem until it goes away, you will find it difficult to save for any kind of future. You have know that you have this tendency and consciously make decisions against this knee jerk reaction. If you don’t like having your back against the wall when creditors come calling, pay off your credit card balance in full every month, and never take out a loan that you expect someone else to help pay for (because there will inevitably come a time when they can’t pay). If you are just aiming to get your kid through college, then look for the most affordable option. Don’t send them to the 4 year right away if you really can’t afford the loans for all four years. An important tip for all you parents out there, know yourself and know your children. Be brutally honest in assessing your child’s ability to perform at university because it is simply impossible for them to be. People simply do not have a clear enough picture of their own abilities at any age, let alone an untested 18 year old. If my mother had done nothing else but this, she could have avoided everything. If she and my sister had just been honest about what my sister could handle, they would have realized that sending her to an expensive, extremely difficult program 1,000 miles from home was maybe not the best idea. She could have even gone to the community college in a better location. That alone would have saved them tens of thousands of dollars. My theory is that my mother was a little blinded by her own history, and she didn’t want to deny her child the same opportunity that her parents gave her. My mother left home at 17 years old for a very expensive (at the time), extremely difficult program at a private university 1,000 miles from her childhood home. This is where their stories diverge. My mother’s university was not nearly as expensive as my sister’s. My mother is also a very different person than my sister. She was the kind of kid who kept track of her own grades from 4th or 5th grade on, and encouraged her children to do the same. She did this because she, in her words, “wanted every single point [she] deserved”. Unsurprisingly, neither my sister nor myself actually did this. Ever. Not even in college. We are just different people. And if my mother had been able to admit this fact, she could have saved everyone a lot of headache.

3. FI is a huge goal, and it may seem impossible when viewed from the start

Most people understand that being the first person of your family to graduate from college is a huge moment for a lot of people, and rightfully so. College can be incredibly difficult especially if you are the first person in your family to attend to completion. The one thing that people like myself, whose family has had 3 generations of college grads, don’t even think to consider is that families that do not have this privilege may not have the full picture of what it takes to finish college. The first person to graduate will not only be doing it alone, but they will have to balance the pull of a family that may not understand or respect how much time, money, and effort you actually have to invest to achieve graduation. The same basic issue arises when you are pursuing financial independence. Your family may not even understand what you mean, or why it matters so much to you. You will have to be prepared for this possibility, no matter what goal you are striving toward. However, just like being the first person to graduate college in your family, being the first person to achieve financial independence is a huge accomplishment.

This something that I thought I knew. I was aware of how large an undertaking this would be before beginning my pursuit, but I call it a lesson because I didn’t truly know how this reality felt until I was in the middle of it. As I get older, and my personal finances are no longer purely theoretical, I have come to understand just how difficult FI is. The pandemic brought this into sharp relief. I lost my job at a bakery, went on unemployment, and moved back in with my girlfriend’s parents while still paying rent in San Diego. I got a job a few months later, and it was a good one. I thought I was set for awhile. I thought we had our FI strategy in view; I was wrong. The company couldn’t afford me anymore and let me go after just under 3 months. All of sudden, we were living off of our small savings. We burned through them because unemployment took about 2 months to get my payment to me. I ended up taking a minimum wage job at a factory. I hated it. We were back to being broke and making minimum wage, this time with less savings, more overhead costs, and no way to know if I would be able to find a better job any time soon. Financial independence never looked further away. This experience did however, serve as a great way to really drive home the fourth lesson:

4. Odds are, it will take a lot longer than you originally hoped, and when you are just starting out you will face major setbacks especially if you are in a lower income bracket

Dealing with setbacks in an effective and resilient manner is something you should anticipate and prepare for, regardless of when you start your journey towards independence. Basically anyone with any level of financial savvy will give you this sage piece of advice. It was losing my job twice in one year, however, that taught me that frugal habits are great tools, and they will help you get out of and avoid a lot of pain and suffering. But that doesn’t mean that these habits are a magic shield that will save you from any downside. Setbacks are hard on you. They can mess with your mind, and cause you to doubt everything you thought about your progress up to that point. When I get into this state of mind, I have found that it helps to remind yourself that progress is not a linear equation. Progress is a lot more like the Japanese proverb “Fall seven, rise eight.” You have to be prepared to have that kind of grit.

5. It is a lot harder to save money, when you don’t make money

There has been a lot of ink spilled, both physical and digital, on exploring the different aspects of the phrase “Money doesn’t buy happiness.” One of my favorite studies to cite on this issue is a study out of Purdue University that explored the concept of “income satiation” around the world. Meaning, how emotionally and physically “satisfied” people report being in relation to their annual income. This is a quote pulled directly from the abstract of the study. “Globally, we find that satiation occurs at $95,000 for life evaluation and $60,000 to $75,000 for emotional well-being.” This statistic has been quoted, analyzed, and touted by many a finance journalist as proof that money doesn’t buy happiness. However, I would be very happy making $60,000 to $75,000. With our current expenses my girlfriend and me could save for financial independence within a decade or so of making that much money. This would include reaching all of our goals of buying a house, and land, and finishing college. But a lot of people simply will never have a salary this high. They may have a total household income in this range, but living in a 2 income household is, in itself, a privilege. Once I realized that I could feasibly never make that much in a salaried position without a college degree, I had to expand my FI strategy beyond just “get a decent job, save as much as possible, invest a ton of money, and wait.” I have to invest in my education. I have to invest as early as possible in the stock market. I have to build something outside of a regular job that could possibly act as a hedge against job market instability. I have to make “earn more money” a huge priority. I never thought that was a worthwhile pursuit but it really is. Making money opens up so many opportunities, if you know what to do with it. Which is why it would be good for higher income earners, and people that have already achieved FI to remember that making money is difficult. Investing time, energy, money, and effort into growing something that may not even pay off is simply not possible for a lot of people, and it would serve anyone well to remember this throughout their journey to financial independence.

Citations:

Jebb, A.T., Tay, L., Diener, E. et al. Happiness, income satiation and turning points around the world. Nat Hum Behav 2, 33–38 (2018). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41562-017-0277-0

[warrioreowynofrohan]

Stormlight Archive Character Thoughts - Kaladin

I’ve got piles of thoughts about the Stormlight Archive, and I want to start getting them written down in the lead-up to Rhythm of War.

For people who haven’t read The Stormlight Archive yet - spoilers! (For the first three books only.) If you’re interested in reading the books in future - or, for that matter, if you’re not interested at all and would rather not have them clogging up your dash - you may want to apply some kind of filter to skip these posts.

Kaladin is easily one of my favourite characters, and a lot of that comes from how deeply he cares about people, even people he doesn’t know, and his astounding level of determination. More than any other character in the books, he has to fight for every inch he gets, he has people placing roadblocks in his path literally every time he takes a step forward, and he powers through it all.

Let’s recap. First, at only fifteen years old, he joins the army to protect his younger brother, only 13-years-old, who has been forcibly conscripted due to the town’s brightlord having a grudge against Kaladin’s family. It’s like a sadder version of The Hunger Games, where he can’t even volunteer in place of his brother, just go with him and hope. Soon after their conscription, his brother is forced onto the front lines and killed in front of him.

Kaladin keeps going. He excels in the army and is made a squadleader before he is out of his teens. He spends all his pay bribing officers to send young people who are unprepared for war to his squad, and he protects them; he bribes the support staff to prioritize his men when taking injured soldiers from the battlefield, so they will live. He becomes a legend to his men, who call him Stormblessed. His men are slaughtered by a Shardbearer, a terror that no ordinary soldier could hope to overcome. Kaladin kills the Shardbearer. His commander, the one lighteyes Kaladin still trusted, steals the Shards, slaughters his men to cover it up, brands Kaladin as a slave, and sells him.

Kaladin keeps going. He tries, time and time and time again, to escape, alone or with others. Sometimes he succeeds, briefly. But he is always recaptured, his companions killed. He breaks. He thinks he’s given up. Despite having given up, he tries to save another ill slave, offering medical advice on how he can be save. The slave-traders kill the man anyway. Kaladin is sent to the Shattered Plains as a bridgemen, an existence that is nothing but a painful journey to inevitable death.

He keeps going. He decides, against all odds, to save the men of his bridge crew, who are too beaten down to even want to be saved. He tries to order them to train; they ignore or laugh at him. He tries to inspire them to train; they look at him like he’s crazy. The man in charge of the bridge crew hates him and wants him dead, but is also afraid and in debt; Kaladin puts some of the minimal pay he recieves into bribing him to leave him alone. He tries to buy antiseptic to prevent injured brudgemen from dying of sepsis. He can’t. It costs more money than he will ever have. When the crew go on brudge runs, he stands in the most dangerous place, where he is most likely to die. He runs onto the battlefield, unarmed, to rescue wounded bridgemen from his crew. He heals them as best he can with his limited resources. When the commanders refuse to bring the injured men back to camp because their lives have no value to them, he finds a way to bring them back. The commanders refuse to feed the injured men. He gives up his own rations to feed them, but he’s going to run out of food, money, and medical supplies.

He keeps going. Acting on information from the apothecary, he gets his men assigned to heavy manual labour (which doesn’t make them happy with him) outside of camp and gathers antiseptic from a grass that grows there, to tend his men’s wounds and to sell to the apothecary for profit. He works nights to extract the antiseptic, with the help of a couple other members of his bridge crew. He keeps trying to train his bridge crew so they’re stronger, more practiced, and less likely to die on bridge runs, but many are still too beaten done to have anything to do with it. When he goes to sell the antiseptic to the apothecary, the apothcary tries to cheat him and buy it for a pittance.

Kaladin sees through it the apothecary’s deception, pushes him, and gets a decent price. He uses the money to buy food for his men, Rock makes them stew, and the group finally start to bond. The next day, when he starts training, most of them are willing to participate. Throughout this time, bridgemen kerp getting wounded, keep dying on runs. If this continues, there won’t be enough people left yo carry the bridge. This is intentional on the part of the commanders: they want him to fail, want to deny him any more crew members to replace the ones he’s lost. And then, when he demands more men and can pick one - he picks a one-armed man. Because the man would die immediately in any other bridge crew, and Kaladin is still the person who, when he was a squadleader, had unprepared soldiers sent to his squad so he could keep them alive.

He keeps going. He trains his squad to carry the bridge at their side, so they can use it to block arrows and not be defenseless on bridge runs. He tries this on the next run, because it’s the only way they won’t all die. It works. It also causes the army’s attack to fail, because enemy arches fire at the soldiers and the other bridge crews instead of his crew. And he’s finally told why his men are sent running into battle unshielded and unarmoured. Killing them distracts the enemy from soldiers who have value. He’s been labouring and striving with all his strength to save men whose only military purpose is to die. The commanders string him up in a highstorm to die.

Miraculously, he lives. And he keeps going. Secretly, he begins training his men to fight, in the slim hope that they can excape from the camp, fight off pursuers, and find freedom. On top of this, he starts rescuing and healing wounded men from other bridge crews. Because their lives have value, and no one else values them. And finally, they have a chance to escape - if they walk away and let a losing army be slaughtered by its enemies.

They turn back. A group of people who, months ago, were hopeless, apathetic, and waiting to die, sacrifice their chance at freedom to save men they do not know, soldiers of armies who have never shown any value for bridgeman lives. Men who barely know how to use a spear fight in a battle, a battle against unbelievable odds. (In organizing the retreat, Kaladin manages to take command of men who are stratospherically higher-rank than him, through sheer force of will and level-headedness.) And they win. And thanks to this, they win their freedom. Kaladin’s begun to realize he has powers he doesn’t fully understand.

He’s given immense new responsibilities. Where one he was in charge of maybe thirty or forty bridgemen he’s now in charge of hundreds of brudgemen and soldiers. He learns to identify other leaders. To inspire. To delegate. He considers telling Dalinar about his new powers, and then, just as he’s almost decided, the man who murdered his crew and branded him as a slave comes to the camp, and Dalinar wecomes him as a dear friend. Kaladin tells Dalinar the truth. Dalinar tells Kaladin he has no proof, and all the evidence and testimony is against him; and to all appearances, Dalinar does nothing. Dalinar appoints the man as the new head of the Knights Radiant, the group that Kaladin’s powers genuinely make him one of.

Kaladin keeps going. Despite all of this, he throws himself into a fight against four Shardbearers to protect Dalinar’s son, a man Kaladin doesn’t even like. Against all the odds, he wins. Sering a chance for justice, he demands the right to duel Amaram, his betrayer. Instead, he’s thrown in prison and narrowly escapes the king having him executed (note: Kaladin had previously risked his life to rescue the king from posdibly the most dangerous man in the world). For the second time, he has defeated a Shardbearer, an act that is supposed to instantly make you one of the highest-status people in the kingdom. For the second time, he’s been betrayed and punished for it instead. And then he finds out that the king is also responsible for ‘exiling’, to Kaladin’s hometown, the brightlord respinsible for his brother’s death.

And this is the point where he breaks and decides he’s okay with the king being assassinated. And then, because of that decision, he loses his new abilities and he loses Syl. And he still keeps going, and fights (and kills) a monster out of nightmares to save someone he doesn’t particularly like, and nearly dies doing it. And then, over a space of weeks, he pulls himself together, realizes he was wrong, and stands in defence of the king while still severely injured, about to pass about from blood loss, in a fight he has no chance of winning.

And, oh yes, he does all this while having clinical depression (in addition to some serious situational depression due to the absolute hell that his life is for a lot of the time).

Yes, I’ve skated over a lot of things here, and the involvement of a lot of other characters, but when you put all this together it is amazing. And that, not his powers, is what makes Kaladin a wonderful and intensely admirable character to me. His bond with Syl, and his abilities, are a result of the person he’s continually chosen to be, against constant, unimaginable obstacles. They’re not something that was just handed to him. Do I love his epic moments? Yes. But they work because they’re grounded on the foundation of everything else he’s chosen to be and do.

(I’m hoping to do a separate post focusing specifically on his arc in Words of Radiance, and on Moash’s arc, because there are a lot of nuances there that I want to dig into.)

And in Oathbringer, I love his scenes with the Singers in the first part. He meets people who he expects to be monsters, who both legend and personal experience has told him are monsters, and he empathizes with them and helps them. Because they need it, and because he cares. And I believe that on the long run, that will be a major and important strength, not a weakness. Throughout the books he’s struggled with the question of how you draw a line between the people you’re supposed to protect and the people you’re supposed to kill when there’s no obvious moral difference between the one and this other. I think that’s going to be resolved, and that his capacity for empathy, inspiration and leadership is going to be involved in helping the humans and the Singers to find peace.

[dreamingsnowflake2013]

When Tharn agreed to be “only” Type’s casual lover, I half-expected him to treat Type coldly during sex, being emotionless in order to give Type what he’s asking for, but being the sucker for punishment he is, Tharn uses the opportunity to be close to Type and love him the only way he’s allowed to. It feels like a masochistic guilty pleasure trip. He’s back to receiving crumbs from Type and treats them as as if they were priceless, only to have even those taken away from him by a Line message just when he’s touching Type so intimately and gently. The hurt of the rejection must have stung deeply but it’s nothing compared to what follows next as everything is about to be taken from him. Each of Type’s words feels like a dagger piercing Tharn’s already fragile, shattered and abused heart.

Tharn was so blissfully happy when Type promised him to come to his gig and watch him play, but now he’s breaking that promise because of someone else and with it he’s breaking Tharn’s heart. The worst thing about it is the betrayal of trust because it’s apparent from the worried way he looks at Tharn that Type knows how it’ll hurt him, but he does it anyway. He’s abandoning Tharn, throwing him aside like a garbage he no longer needs after using him. It’s no wonder that Tharn feels that he will never be good enough for Type no matter what he does since it’s because of a girl and he can never compete with that. It’s something he can never change about himself, just like the fact that he likes men.

It must cost Tharn every piece of his self-control to compose himself and produce that heartwrenchingly sad, resigned and brave smile and nod of understanding for Type’s sake despite all the agony, anguish, frustration and misery he feels. It’s painful to watch how Tharn tampers himself, literally and figuratively swallows his pain and tries so hard to keep the tears glistening in his eyes from falling. He doesn’t blame Type, instead he absolves him of any guilt and even comes up with excuses for him. On the other hand, Type looks as if he almost expects and wishes that Tharn would protest and try to stop him and seems almost disappointed when he doesn’t. And then he delivers the killing blow to Tharn.

On that very same bed, Tharn once asked Type what he meant to him and longed for him to reply that he saw him as his boyfriend, instead Type is giving the right to be by his side to Pufai. In that moment, whatever piece of Tharn’s heart which is still intact shatters because he realises that everything he ever wanted but could never have will belong to someone else, that this love has been a fool’s errand from the very beginning and it’s coming to an end because he’s coveted something he could never have - Type and his love. This relationship left him hollow and numb because he’s given his everything while receiving big handfuls of nothing in return.

OMG! It never ceases to amaze me how unconditional and unselfish Tharn’s feelings for Type are. Instead of trying to tie Type to him, HE IS SETTING HIM FREE BECAUSE IT’S WHAT TYPE WANTS and Tharn can never deny him anything, even if it means letting him go. He’s letting him go to someone else because there is no point of keeping him caged - he loves Type too much to do that to him. Instead, he takes himself out of the equation, denying his own desires and needs. I mean, he even give Type his blessing by telling him pointers how to get the girl and to buy her a present when he never received anything from Type! As if it weren’t already enough that his heart is lying shattered to million pieces at Type’s feet, he even has to step on them himself. The man is the ultimate masochist and someone needs to stop him from this unhealthy self-harm because I’m not sure how much abuse he can take.

This is also the moment when Tharn makes up his mind to finally break up with Type because he knows that he doesn’t have what it takes to share Type with anyone because he loves him too much and also some last vestiges of self-preservation and pride prevent him from basically becoming a male mistress or fuck buddy. He owes himself that much because he deserves better than this and he could never bear the pain of not truly having Type’s heart. Tharn’s been dreading this moment the whole week, knowing that when he agreed to stay Type’s casual lover he was only postponing the inevitable - losing him. The wait must have felt like a torture and when it finally comes, it tears him apart at the seams and Mew Suppasit is firing all cylinders, brilliant portraying Tharn’s anguish and vulnerability.

What adds to the poignancy of the scene is that Type knows he’s hurting Tharn, sees all the pain he is causing him and it’s breaking his heart, as well. He can’t bear to see his pain and judging from the way he jerks towards Tharn when he’s getting up, every instict in his body is telling him to reach out to him, to console him and ask for forgiveness, but he doesn’t because his pride is holding him back and he sees this opportunity as his last chance to flee from Tharn and everything he makes him feel. However, he’s soon going to realize that by hurting the person he loves, he is also hurting himself.

After the progress they’ve made, it’s heartbreaking to see Type and Tharn grow apart again and the director has done an incredible job in making the audience feel, see and sense the growing distance between them.  

[wellhellotragic]

Dead in the Water (1/2)

You guys!!! It’s here! It’s our @csrolereversal drop date and I’m so excited for you all to see the amazing art @clockadile created for this event. Everyone, please go to her page, check out this amazeball painting, and send her all of the love that she deserves because this fic would never have existed without her! She is just such a wonderful person and I feel so honored that I got to make words in an effort to bring her art to life in a different way. I hope that I’ve done it, and her, justice and that you guys enjoy this. Shout out to @darkcolinodonorgasm for pulling this event together and to everyone in the rolereversal discord chat. It truly has been such a wonderful event and everyone has been so amazingly supportive of one another, so thank you all for being so awesome! Also tagging @cshalloweek​ even though my theme doesn’t completely match the day.

Summary:

Killian Jones may have just had the worst year of his life. The loss of his hand, of his career, and of his pride were almost more than he could take. In a bid to reclaim his life, Killian decided it was time to face his fears, and get back on the metaphorical horse, or in his case, back on the water. Only, the purchase of a haunted second-hand boat may just come at the cost of his sanity.

“The sea is like a cruel mistress. You can love her, you can hate her, but you can never trust her.” - author unknown

Rating: M (foul language sprinkled in and some adult themes)

Also on AO3

“Mayday! Mayday!”

Nothing.

“Please, is anyone out there?” The faint words were met with radio silence. The only noise a high pitched whining from what was likely a busted eardrum. Weak and dizzy, blood continued to drip into the water filling the cabin. The once brown floor now covered in pink.

Searing pain, a sinking boat, and all hope lost. There was little to do but wait. Wait for the inevitable. There was nowhere to go, no reason to have hope. Climbing to higher ground had been a struggle, and pointless as the vessel continued to dip lower and lower into the icy water.

That night, prayers went unanswered. The heavens laughed as they flashed their pearly white teeth and the crackle of a thousand laughs filled the air. The rain continued to fall all around.

There was nothing to do but wait until the water finally claimed her prize. Until the sea took it’s claim. Until the world went black.

***

It was unseasonably hot in Boston. Granted, summertime was hardly a perfect oasis in the northeast on a usual year, but that July had seen it’s hottest temperatures in over sixty years, and the city had been a sweltering mess. The usually pristine buildings along Freedom Trail were littered with blinding metal as each window had suddenly become occupied with ac units overnight. There had even been rolling blackouts as the power company struggled to keep up with the city’s demands.

Why Ariel’s Antiquities had insisted on holding their event outdoors was a mystery to Killian. Women and men dressed in their best, hoping that fancy clothes would somehow insinuate that they had money and could easily out bid their competitors. Unfortunately for them, their power suits became far less intimidating by the minute as sweat lines began to appear sometime just before ten. As the hours drifted on, people became puddles, their shoes sticking to the sidewalks.

Killian found himself near constantly tugging on the collar of his shirt, peeling it away from his sticky skin. Unlike him, his brother had refused to undo the top two buttons on his shirt and seemed even more miserable, if that were somehow possible.

The two men had been sniping at each other for the better part of the morning, and now with the sun at full intensity above them, they’d resorted to silence as they milled their way through lot after lot. The auction advertisement Killian had seen online seemed to have mostly a mishmash of memorabilia and collectables, with a few actual antiquities mixed in.

But unlike the other bidders, the two men weren’t there for random knick knacks. There was one specific item that had caught his eye on the online inventory. A tiny thumbnail the only indication of its existence and he could only hope that it hadn’t been from a previous auction.

For over an hour, Killian traipsed through the old fair grounds, Liam in tow behind him, searching with no luck.

“Killian, I hate to be the one to say this, but it’s not here. We’ve been to every lot and it’s just garbage.” He turned to see his brother giving him a look of pity, infuriating his very being. “Perhaps this is a sign.”

“A sign of what? False advertising?”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it. I just-” Liam took a deep breath, pushing the air out on an audible huff. “I just worry about you.”

With that, all of the anger and frustration from the day left Killian’s body. He couldn’t be mad at Liam any more, not when he knew it was true. When he still had memories of waking in the hospital, of seeing Liam’s eyes red and puffy from tears. It was the first time he’d seen his brother cry since their mother had passed years before.

“Liam, this is something I need to do. I need to prove to myself that I can get back out there. I can’t let this cripple me for the rest of my life.”

His choice of words hadn’t meant to convey the irony, but as his brother glanced down at the metal and leather covering his wrist, Killian couldn’t help but notice the cruelty of the universe. That even the most benign of words could cause such pain, even a year later. How even thinking about that day caused his missing hand to throb in pain.

“Killian, you are one of the strongest people I know. You don’t have anything to prove. Not to me or anyone else.”

Gone were the days where Liam teased him and called him little brother. Now, he was lucky if Liam said anything cheeky around him at all. And while he didn’t have anything to prove to anyone else, the truth was that he needed to show his brother that he wasn’t broken. Not anymore. That he didn’t need to be coddled like a wounded duck.

Before he could respond though, a glimmer caught his eye from a passing bidder’s reflective earrings, causing him to whip his head to the left. And there, tucked behind an old telephone booth, 2 huge entertainment centers, and a large canopy bed, there it was. There she was.

He didn’t wait for his brother, his jogging nearly breaking into a full stride. She was hard to see, tucked away behind items too heavy to move, but even in his limited view he could see that she was battered and bruised. Still, Killian knew that with a little sweat equity, she could be a marvel. He let his hand run down the fiberglass, feeling the strength of the hull, despite the hole in her port side. A gaping wound about the size of a bowling ball.

She was damaged, just as he was, but together they’d mend each other. He was sure of it.

“That’s it? That’s the boat you brought us all the way out here for?” Killian could only smile to himself. “Brother, she’s a mess. Where’s the mainmast? And did you see that hole? There’s no telling what kind of dry rot is on the inside.”

“Yes. I know she’s not much to look at right now, but-”

“No. You can’t be serious. She’s better off torn apart for scraps.”

Killian couldn’t explain to his brother the draw that he felt. He’d been searching auction houses for months. All of the boats he’d seen were either grossly overpriced, or faced the Goldilocks conundrum. Too small. Too big. But this one, it was just right. From the instant he’d seen that tiny thumbnail picture on his laptop screen, he’d felt it deep within his gut. He was meant for that boat, just as she was meant for him.

“And what kind of name is Jewel of the Real?”

“Realm.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s Jewel of the Realm.”

Killian’s hand brushed over the faded wood, tracing the faintest outline of where an ‘M’ used to reside.

The rest of their time there was a bit of a blur for Killian. Liam trying his best to talk him out of buying The Jewel as people threw their paddles up in the air, capturing the trinkets on the stage. Killian fighting with a man two rows ahead of him for the winning bid, going over the maximum price he’d set in his head. Giving the auction house the delivery address, ignoring the way his brother huffed as Killian wrote them a check.

But none of that mattered, because in the end, she was his. The auction house delivered her a few days after his check cleared. The address he’d given them was for a warehouse another expat had told him about. Cheap monthly rates and all of that. What Will Scarlet had neglected to mention was that the warehouse was actually an abandoned building in a rather questionable part of town. Killian never should have trusted the man with a deposit sight unseen. The building lacked windows or doors, and Killian immediately knew he’d been had by the huxter.

He’d scrambled to find another place to fix up the Jewel. The drydocks at the marina were expensive and lacked space for him to spread out with tools, not to mention the absence of privacy while he worked. It was bad enough that people stared at his hook while he was picking up food from the local pub or out with Liam and his wife. He’d be damned if he was going to have people watch him work on a boat one handed. He even considered trying to work out of his friend, Robin’s, garage but the thirty two foot boat simply wouldn’t fit. No matter how imaginative he got with his sketches.

In the end, it was the most unlikely of allies that came to his rescue. The last man he ever expected to aid him with the Jewel. Liam owned a shipping company, specializing in European imports, with English ales and German lagers making up the bulk of his business. The main office was based in downtown Boston, but there was also a small warehouse down by the port where items were stored as they awaited inspection. His brother, still not happy with his decision made him an offer anyway. Come to work at Jones Shipping Monday through Friday, and he’d have the warehouse all to himself in the evenings and on weekends to work on the “abomination.”

Killian accepted begrudgingly. He wasn’t necessarily in need of a salary. He had the monthly stipends from the Navy to live on, the only benefit of losing his left hand, and the idea of becoming a corporate stooge maddened him to no end. He’d already sold his soul once, and they spit him back out once they deemed him of no further use. He wasn’t quite ready to lose the rest of himself to a full time day job pushing paperwork, schmoozing potential clients, and taking orders from Liam. But the perk of Liam’s harbor warehouse was too great to pass up.

So he took the job. He started on a Monday and the boat was delivered on the following Tuesday. Liam had neglected to mention his need for a key, so after driving across town, Killian ended up having to turn around without seeing her. The next day he’d nearly ripped into Liam when he saw him, but seeing three other men in suits sitting in front of Liam’s desk made him rethink his anger. Or at least rethink giving his brother a piece of his mind at work in front of people he’d only ever met at staff parties. He’d already had to deal with stares and questions from a rather bold intern. The stress from his own self-consciousness only amplified his frustration with Liam.

He finally got the key from Liam later that afternoon, along with another gift that he wasn’t particularly fond off. One that actually left him offended. One that he threw back in his brother’s face as he stormed out of his office, not caring one bit what anyone thought of him. Not when his brother obviously thought so little.

He was too upset to even go check on The Jewel at that point, choosing to head to a pub near the harbor instead. The Rusty Anchor was a fan favorite for expats. It’s where he’d met Scarlet, which unfortunately didn’t actually say much about the place. He’d met a few good blokes there as well though, like the bartender Robin. They’d become friends in a grief counseling group. It was mandated for Killian, but optional for the other man who was grieving his wife. Listening to Robin talk at their monthly meetings had helped put Killian’s loss into perspective. Suddenly his missing hand didn’t seem so catastrophic.

Robin had invited him to the pub knowing Killian was new in town with few friends, and the two men had formed a bond in the months since. In a way, he felt closer to the man than he did to Liam. Like he could tell him anything without the brotherly judgment that always radiated from the elder Jones.

After a few pints and a good talk with Robin, Killian had calmed. Liam was still a moron, but that wasn’t on him. And as Robin said, he just had to continue to remind himself that the only reason he was even working for his brother was so that he could fix up the Jewel. As soon as she was sea worthy, he could leave his job without breaking his word to Liam.

In a slightly better mood, he headed a few streets over to the warehouse, ready to take a full inventory of all of the repairs she’d need. The hole in the hull was obvious, as well as new paint all over, and she needed a new mast and sails, but there was always the concern of dry rot. That was the biggest worry. Having to replace every plank of wood and all of the fiberglass on the boat would defeat the entire purpose of restoring her.

Not to mention the difficulties he’d face using his hook. He was more than proficient with it for everyday use after eight months of practice, but some things still tested his limits. As he walked up to the warehouse, thinking about how he’d hoist the sails on without tearing them, he was completely lost in thought, oblivious to the man standing next to his boat. He was more than a little embarrassed by the shriek that escaped from his lips, but upon realizing that it was Liam there waiting for him, his distress turned to anger again. Especially when he saw the box from earlier on a nearby table.

“Killian, before you say anything, it’s not what you think. I never meant to imply-”

“What? That I’m a freak. That I’ll scare away all of the clients?”

“Actually, it was quite the opposite. I got it for you.” Killian looked down, unable to meet his brother’s gaze. “What? You don’t think I see you? The way you shrink in on yourself when you’re out with Elsa and me?”

Liam had him there.

“Look, Killian. I just thought that maybe it would help you to feel more comfortable. I never meant to insinuate anything by it.”

Perhaps he had overreacted. In his mind’s eye, it was just the cherry on top of a horrible year. The whole world judged him. Wasn’t it only a matter of time before his brother saw him as a disfigured beast as well? Except, that wasn’t what happened. He’d made a snap judgement, and thought the worst of Liam in the process.

“You’re right. I... it’s harder than I expected it to be sometimes. I thought,” he had to fight to keep his emotions in check as he remembered those first few weeks in the hospital. How he’d lost more than just his hand. “I thought it would be easier than this.”

“And I’m sorry that I didn’t handle it in a more sensitive way. I think I was just so excited to show it to you that I assumed you’d be just as enthusiastic. Obviously, it’s not all that functional, but it’s remarkably realistic and Elsa and I just thought it would make you more comfortable dealing with clients.”

Killian laughed to himself. A sad little thing. It was very realistic in a way that nauseated him when he first opened the box. Even now, as he walked over to it and lifted the top, he couldn’t help the catch in his throat. The prosthetic hand looked incredibly realistic, right down to the synthetic hair on the back of the silicone. There was a metal clip that popped into place in his arm sleeve and a metal wire that hooked into his shoulder strap, just like with his hook that allowed some slight mobility in the hand. It opened and closed, allowing him to grab objects if he needed to, but it wasn’t nearly as advanced as the mechanical hands he’d seen in the clinic. Although this one probably didn’t cost the same as Liam’s house either like the mechanical ones, which was a plus.

He lifted it from the box, testing the weight of it. It was slightly heavier than his hook, something that would take some getting used to. It was also probably going to end up being longer when all was said and done. Wearing suits might be a problem. He’d have to wait until he got home to check.

Liam, for his part, didn’t seem to want to make it any bigger of a deal than he already had. Instead, he changed the subject back towards The Jewel.

“Do you want the good news or the bad first?”

He’d already had a hard enough day. He didn’t need the bad news at all, much less first.

“The good.”

“Well, she’s not a total loss. I’ve been checking her over, and the bulk of the damage seems to be located here, in the hull where this hole is. The fiberglass is badly splintered around it. I’ve been trying to work out what exactly could have caused it, but aside from an act of Poseidon himself, it makes no sense. Whatever made the hole, it came from the inside of the boat. The furniture inside the cabin is also ruined. Smashed to pieces or rotted away. But the rudder and keel are still in perfect shape.”

Killian leaned in closer, allowing his hand to move along the edges of the hole. Liam was right. The edges was splintered towards the outside of the boat, and the fiberglass around it was all badly cracked. The auction house had sent him home with documents explaining that the ship had been docked at the marina and it had been hit by some object during a storm. They’d clearly been mistaken.

“And the rest of her? What shape does she seem to be in?”

“Well, the wood planks on the deck could use a good sanding, but if you’re just talking about integrity, I think she’ll hold up just fine.” Killian and Liam both climbed the ladder Liam had set up, allowing him his first good look at her. “You know about the mast and roping already. A full redo on both of those. But come look at this!”

Killian followed, letting his hand glide upon the metal railing. For the first time, it felt real. Look at this! It’s the original certificate showing the builder. You realize what this means don’t you?”

“That you’re excited she’s older than you are?”

“No! She’s vintage Killian! Once we fix her up, you can sell her for twice what you paid for her! Well done little brother.”

Killian took a deep breath, already out of patience with his brother for the day.

“Liam, I see three things wrong with what you’ve just said. First, it’s younger brother. Second, when exactly did this become a joint endeavor? Just a week ago you thought the very idea of my purchasing her was the single greatest mistake of my life. Thirdly, and listen closely Liam because I’m not going to say this again, I am not selling this boat.”

“Well you are my little brother. And I’m just trying to protect you. Why do you think I worry and watch after you so much?”

“You don’t need to worry about me!”

“Well apparently I do!” There was something about the way Liam’s voice, the way it broke as he screamed the words that tugged at Killian’s heart. “You almost died! I waited and waited while they searched for your body, sure that there was no way you’d survived that storm. And then I waited and waited again at your bedside in the hospital, praying to God that he didn’t take you away from me like he had mother. So don’t you dare tell me that I can’t or shouldn’t worry about you!”

Killian had to will back the tears threatening to fall from his eyes. He knew that Liam had been at his bedside in the hospital, but he had never thought of what it must have been like for him getting the call that his brother was lost at sea in a storm. He spent a great deal of time clinging to some wreckage, just trying to stay afloat as the waves crashed over his head, and his body plummeted over and over for what felt like years. Once the storm had passed, he found a piece of the destroyed ship large enough for him to crawl on top of and he let the exhaustion take over. When he woke again it was to intense agony in the hospital ICU.

“Liam, I’m not out there anymore. I’m not adrift at sea anymore. I’m here, and I’m fine.”

“But you aren’t. You aren’t here. You say you are, but I think a part of you died out there that day, and I-” Liam gave up all pretense of hiding, letting the tears flow free, “I think part of you wants to get lost again. Why else are you so intent of fixing up this boat?”

“That’s what you think? That I want to put in all of this work just to go out and vanish into the ocean? Liam, I’m doing this to prove to myself that I can. Because the idea of going back out there sends a bolt of terror through my spine right to my very core. I need to show myself that it was just a freak accident. To get back up on that proverbial horse.”

Liam said nothing, just walked back down to the stern of the boat and down the ladder, walking straight out of the warehouse, leaving Killian alone with the guilt of everything he’d put his brother through. Even as children he was always managing to get into trouble, and poor Liam had always been the one to pick up after him. As he heard Liam’s car start up from the open warehouse door, he couldn’t help but wonder how much more Liam had left in him.

If it weren’t for the fact that he had work at eight in the morning, he very likely would have found himself back at Robin’s, downing a full bottle of rum all on his own. As it stood, he had a debt to Liam, far more than for the agreement he’d made for the warehouse space. He owed his brother everything, and though he couldn’t give Liam the one thing he wanted most, he could give him everything else. He could be the prodigal son in a way. Arrive to work everyday in nice clothes, rubbing elbows with Boston’s elite.

So instead of heading back to Robin’s he went down into the ship’s cabin. The space was small, not that he expected much. The boat was only thirty two feet long, and not that tall. There was enough space for a small kitchenette with a tiny sink and grill top. Across from that stood what should have been a small dinette area. Where a table and bench seat should have been was nothing but wood scraps and moldy torn fabric.

He nearly gagged when he opened the door to the tiny lavatory. The toilet was covered in black mold, or what he hoped was mold as nothing else seemed like an attractive option. And then he went to the bedroom area up at the front of the boat. He wasn’t quite sure what to expect, knowing that the hole was in that area. What he found was nothing though. The bed and mattress had been removed, as well as the padding in the seat next to it. The wood forming the cabinets and closet had been torn out as well, leaving behind only the impressions of where they once fit in.

It was evident that the Jewel needed work when he bought her. And he knew that had he known at the time just how much work she needed at the auction house, he likely still would have bought her. But as he stood there, in the torn apart interior, he couldn’t help but feel scammed by Ariel’s Antiquities. They’d purposefully positioned her in a way that no one could see just what shape she was truly in.

Repairing her would take longer than anticipated, which only meant more time working for Liam. Exhausted, Killia headed back to his one bedroom apartment, crashing nearly the moment his head hit the pillow. The next morning, he rose well before the sun, even without the use of an alarm. Apparently you could take the man out of the navy, but not the navy out of the man.

After a nice run, Killian readied himself for the day by showering. Once dry, Killian placed his sleeve over his stump, followed by the hook he’d become so used to. He then picked out one of his better suits, not that he had all that many to choose from, dressed, combed his hair, and stepped back to take stock of himself in the mirror. It wasn’t a look he was used to. In fact, the last time he’d been dressed in such a way had been his mother’s funeral. He was still a teenager, Liam barely an adult himself, wearing suits they hadn’t yet grown in to.

Not wishing to dwell on that thought any longer, he headed for the door, grabbing his keys from the bowl on the side table.

And that’s when he saw it. The gift that Liam had given him the day before. His brother had left it in the warehouse in his haste to escape, and Killian had grabbed it on his way out, still not sure how he felt about it. He’d never really intended to wear it, not for everyday office use at least, but as he stood there in his suit, feeling completely uncomfortable and out of place, he decided to, just for once, do something for Liam.

It took him a few minutes to undress, removing his suit jacket and dress shirt so that he could disconnect his hook from the shoulder strap. The hand felt clunky on his arm, and it was difficult to get it through his sleeves, but in time he managed.

The drive to Liam’s, and now his office, wasn’t a long one, but at seven in the morning, it may as well have been a full county away. The traffic was horrible, not something he’d become accustomed to driving in. He’d always avoided rush hour like the plague, and now it would be a part of his daily routine. He also found that the hand was difficult to use. Because of his sitting position, it wouldn’t quite clamp shut around the steering wheel the way his hook would have.

By the time he arrived, he was over ten minutes late, and the morning staff meeting had already started. He did his best to sneak in, sitting at the back of the room, hoping to go unnoticed by Liam, but because the world was already against him that day, he failed.

Liam called him up to the front of the room, officially introducing him to everyone as the new head of client relations. Killian gave an awkward wave and that was it. He’d been inducted into the company, and day after day, week after week, he sat at a desk, working up contracts, researching possible leads. His nights were often spent at dinners, flirting with wives and schmoozing husbands into signing with Liam’s company. He hated it, and more still, he hated how little time he had for repairs on the Jewel.

Repairing the hull had been easy. He sent off for a patch kit, a misleading name considering the size of the hole to be touched up. After carefully cutting away the excess damaged fiberglass and setting the patch in place, he waited for the epoxy to harden, sanding down the excess so it was smooth. Aside from the lack of paint, she looked good as new. The hardest part had been placing everything where it needed to go with just one hand.

He soon realized just how difficult repairing the rest of the boat would be. The entryway to the Jewel was narrow, hardly wide enough for one person to enter at a time. He’d never be able to get fully assembled furniture and cabinets in. So slowly, he brought in all of the material, piece by piece. It took time, considering he’d had to carry all of the materials from the parking lot down the dock, and onto the ship. It was exhausting work, and there was still the matter of assembly. It took him weeks to get everything cut just to size, and assembly space had become a real issue after the new bench and table had been installed. Finding a place to store the cabinetry wood had almost broken him. The boat had almost broken him.

But he persevered. Slowly the cabinets came together. The bedroom in the bow of the boat found itself with a bed and a small closet, and the bathroom got a shiny new toilet. After two months, he’d finally finished the interior of the boat. All that stood in his way from land and sea was a new mast, the part Killian had been dreading most.

It was the very first thing Killian had ordered after he’d purchased The Jewel, but as with any special order, it had taken over a month to arrive, and then when it did, it wasn’t even the right size. He and Robin had spent the better part of a day trying to make it work, to somehow force the new mast into place, huffing and puffing at the weight. Hours later, Killian finally admitted defeat, and with shaky arms sent the company a firmly worded email chastising them for their incompetence.

Two full months and one paint job later, a new one arrived. Robin was unable to help him again though. Setting his pride aside, Killian was forced to ask for help. He and his brother’s relationship had soured. It wasn’t that there was ill will between the brothers, but there was a small bit of resentment on Killian’s part. Sometimes it seemed as if Liam was giving him extra work and setting extra meetings for the sole purpose of stalling his repairs. Some of the clients that Liam set him up with were too small to even have shipping needs.

We just want to make sure that they keep us in mind incase the expand Killian. You have to always be selling Killian. It’s called networking Killian.

He’d had enough. Eventually he’d declined enough of Liam’s offers to spend time together on the weekends that Liam had stopped inviting him over. The brothers discussed business needs, but outside of the office, they may aswell have not even have been related. Killian did feel bad. His brother was the only family he had left after all, but there was just the matter of his pride. He’d had so many arguments with Liam in his mind that he couldn’t remember which conversations were real, and which were made up. He just knew that he was right in all of them.

Which is why it was so hard for him to turn to Liam for his help. Unfortunately, the mast weighed a few hundred pounds and while the dock, where the boat finally resided, had a crane to help them move it in place, someone still needed to help him slide it into place and hold it steady as he secured it to the boat. The dock had a firm policy on not helping with certain repairs. They didn’t want to be held liable for any damages or injuries that occurred as a result of human error.

Asking Liam for help had been hard. It took him full two days of building up the courage. He’d nearly walked into Liam’s office three times before turning around at the last minute. Finally, he just had to man up. To his surprise, Liam agreed without much opinion on the matter, and that weekend the two brothers finally made up as they struggled together to install the mast. They tried seating it in place, but despite their best efforts, it was slightly off, leaning just a degree or two. While most people might have shrugged it off, both of the Jones boys were determined to get it in straight.

To the chagrin of the crane worker, they demanded he raise it back up so they could check to make sure the surface was level. Nothing seemed off to the naked eye, but again, the mast wouldn’t sit straight. After one final raising, Killian stuck his hand in the seat, trying to feel if there was bubbling or warping in the wood, and to his surprise, he felt something cold and smoothe, not at all like the wood plank he’d expected. After some fiddling, he was able to loosen the object enough to pull it from its hiding place. It was small, so small he wasn’t surprised that anyone at the auction house had missed it.

Liam, for his part hadn’t said much, but Killian could tell by the way Liam was breathing that his brother was annoyed, not with him but with the delay, and ready to finish working. Killian threw the gold piece in his pocket and together, he and Liam finished installing the mast and all of the rigging lines. Afterwards they went for drinks at Robin’s bar, a place Liam had never been before. They shared a few beers, caught up on all of the things they’d missed in the past few months, and each departed like it was no big deal, both ready for a good night’s sleep.

Killian had hoped to crawl into bed and fall straight asleep, but for some reason, as he laid there, his brain seemed to kick into overdrive. It started with thoughts of how he’d have to map out the currents and winds in the boston area before he could ship out. Before long though, all he could think about was work. He’d planned on leaving Liam’s company as soon as he was done, and while he hated some aspects of the job, he did like the structure it provided him with. It forced him to get back into the world again, something he hadn’t realized that he needed to do until Liam tricked him into it.

Unable to sleep, Killian got up to clean, something that usually relaxed him. He started with the dishes, washing and drying them all by hand before moving on to tend to his laundry. Most of his suit items were dry clean only, but his weekend clothes were soaked with sweat and best washed sooner rather than later. Checking all of the pockets and making sure everything was right-side out, he threw items in the washer one by one until he got to the jeans he’d been wearing that day. He’d managed to completely forget about the trinket he’d found on the boat, until just then.

He finished sorting his clothes and started the machine up before heading back into his bedroom, turning on the nightstand table lamp as he crawled back under the sheets. He let the metal turn in his fingers, inspecting the perfectly polished gold. It was a small locket with a bird etched onto one side. There wasn’t an engraving to go with it and told him nothing about the person who’d lost it. The chain that it was attached to was short and the links where tiny, meaning it likely belonged to a woman, but that was all he was able to gather. He continued to turn the locket, just feeling the weight of it in his hand, the surprising warmth of it, when his finger caught on a hidden clasp and the locket snapped open.

It wasn’t what he’d expected. Most women’s lockets contained tiny photographs, but the inside of this one held a small compass. The opposite side featured an engraving, but it didn’t have any names. It simple read: So you always find your way.

He should have wanted to search for the owner, to return what was probably a meaningful gift. There were plenty of news stories all the time about people helping to reunite lost items and owners. The soldier who had his purple heart stolen. The bride that lost her wedding ring on a beach vacation. They were always happy endings, and he knew that the locket didn’t belong to him, but for some reason, he just felt a call to it. Like he also needed it to help him find his way. So he kept it, slipping it on over his own head, having to pull it past his ears. He fell fast asleep soon after.

The next week at work had been grueling. Liam had lined up three dinners for him, one of them with a very sexually aggressive woman that ran a dog breeding company. Apparently there was a high demand for designer dogs and people were willing to pay high prices to have them shipped over the water during the summer and winter seasons when airlines restricted their pet travel policies. He’d had to pry her off of him at the end of the evening, promising he’d call her soon. A complete lie.

The whole encounter had left him feeling dirty. He hadn’t even so much as looked at a woman since his accident, not really, and he just wasn’t ready to move forward in a romantic capacity, even just a physical one. Not after having his heart shattered before. The woman in question wasn’t even interested in him. Not as anything more than a gigalo.

The weekend couldn’t have arrived fast enough. He just needed to get out of town. To get away from everyone, from his responsibilities. He was ready to hit the water and shed the ghosts he carried around with him. He’d planned meticulously. There were charts filling half of his closet and he’d popped by the Tuesday before to fill the kitchenette with snacks for his inaugural trip. He didn’t have a refrigerator yet so he’d done his best to stick with ready to assemble meals. Nothing big, just some bread and jams. A few tea bags and bottled water in case it got cold out on the water.

The plan had been to set sail just as the sun was rising that Saturday. To greet the new day on the water, but for some reason his alarm hadn’t sounded that morning, and for the first time since he’d joined the navy, he overslept. By the time he made it down to the docks it was just after ten, and the area was filled with people. Families going out on day trips. Tour groups trying to enjoy the last few weeks before the winter season. Before everyone would have to winterize their boats and leave them stored away until spring.

He was lost in his thoughts as he walked along the wood planks at the docks, past other ships, nearly tripping on a rope that someone has carelessly left out. Cursing under his breath, collecting himself from the slight embarrassment of it all, he glanced back at The Jewel. It was hard to see with the sun reflecting back on the water, but for just a few seconds, he could have sworn that he saw a shadow moving along her port side. There was a person on his boat.

It wasn’t unheard of, finding a vagrant living on an unused boat, or some random person lost and on the wrong ship. The Jewel had a very specific and unique paint job though. Mistaking her for any other vessel on the harbor would have been impossible. And he’d been there only a few nights before. He would have seen signs of a stowaway using her for shelter.

That could only mean that whoever was aboard his boat was looking for trouble, and after the morning he’d had, he was more than willing to give it to them. Swearing to himself, he picked up his pace, ready to give the trespasser a piece of his mind, but when he finally made it to The Jewel, she was empty. Thinking perhaps they’d gone below deck, he crept down the narrow stairs, doing his best to avoid making noise. There was no one though. She was empty. Just a trick of the mind.

Feeling foolish, Killian reemerged, on the deck, ready to give all of the lines one final check before setting sail when he heard a noise, a creaky wooden plank from down below. This time he ran, not giving a damn if the person knew he was coming or not. He was ready to find whoever was hiding.

Once again though, he came up empty. Even after searching in all of the cupboards and storage spaces under the kitchen bench and his bed. He checked all of the closets, but there was no one. He was all alone.

It was just in his head. Not surprising considering what a huge step he was about to take. The idea of going back on the water leaving him with an uneasy queasy feeling in his gut. Which was also the exact reason that he needed to do it. Why he’d tried to stress to Liam the importance of buying The Jewel.

He needed to conquer his fear. Even if his brain tried to scare him out of it. Because that’s all it was. A shadow from a person on a boat near his. An old creaky boat groaning from the change in humidity. It was all in his head, and it needed to stay there.

More determined than ever, Killian went back upstairs, ready to set sail, distraction free, but when he emerged from the cabin, he was met once again with an odd sensation. A feeling of being watched.

“Permission to come aboard?”

“Bloody hell, Liam? How long have you been here?”

“Not long.”

And there it was. His older brother, his protector, playing games with his head to place doubt. Liam had done more than his fair share of things to delay the boat becoming ready, but to actually try to scare him away was just too much.

“What the hell’s wrong with you?”

“Come again now?”

“I’m talking about you playing games with my head, trying to frighten me away from taking my boat out. You’ve made it very clear that this wasn’t something you wanted me to do, but this is a new form of low, Laim.”

He was furious.

“Killian, I assure you, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’ve only just arrived.”

He watched the elder Jones, the way his brow furrowed. Liam may have been a great many things to Killian, but he’d never known his brother as a liar.

“Then what are you doing here?”

“I’ve actually come bearing a gift.”

It was only then that Killian noticed the neatly wrapped bundle in Liam’s left hand. Liam didn’t ask permission again, choosing to come aboard The Jewel to hand the gift to Killian. He felt more than a little guilty for accepting it, especially after having just yelled at his brother, but Liam was insistent.

Carefully he peeled back the wrapping paper, careful not to tear it, lest he find paper scraps for weeks to come blown into every nook and cranky. Inside, he found a book, an old one by the look of it.

“It’s a first edition. Took some time to track down or I would have had it to you sooner.”

The significance of Liam’s thoughtfulness was evident. It was a first edition of Peter Pan. The book their mother used to read to them nightly. Each time she finished, Killian would beg her to start again from the beginning. It was the thing that first ignited his love for the sea.

“Thank you, Liam. This means more than you know.”

Liam just gave him a nod, understanding the emotional weight they both held in that moment.

“I, uh, guess you haven’t checked the stern of the boat just yet?”

It was on his list. First the ropes, then a walk around above deck to ensure everything was properly secured, before walking around the dock to check that everything was good on the exterior.

Intrigued, Killian climbed down from the boat and walked around to the back side of The Jewel. But what he found was that she’d been renamed.

“The Jolly Roger?”

“I very specifically remember you telling mum and me that when you grew up, you were going to own a huge ship, and you were going to name her The Jolly Roger-”

“Just like Captain Hook.”

He’d completely forgotten. As a small eight year old, he was determined that one day he’d own a pirate ship. That he’d sail the seven seas taking whatever he wanted from whoever he wanted. Probably in part because he was sick of getting Liam’s hand me downs.

“I hope you don’t mind. I know she’s not exactly what child Killian had in mind, but you’ve done exactly what you said you were going to do. And I know I’ve been a prick about this entire thing, so I wanted to do something to make up for it. To show you that I really am in your corner.”

Killian was touched. It was possibly the first time his brother had apologized to him since before their mother died. Even then, it was probably the first time he’d ever done it without being scolded into it.

“Thank you, brother.”

There’s one final thing. Last night, Robin and I came out here and installed a motor on the back.” Killian was about to say something, but Liam barreled on. “I know. But I just want to keep you safe. If you should find yourself without wind, you’ll still have a way to get back to shore.”

“Marvelous.” His annoyance only slightly tempered by Liam’s attempt at a kind gesture.

From his inside coat pocket, Liam produced a manual for the motor. ‘A guide to your new Stern Mounted Electronic Engine.’ He had to give it to Liam. He’d thought of everything. Even a Mr. SMEE.

Together, he and Liam set about getting The Jolly ready. After checking everything over twice, they finally set out, both men trying not to hold their breath as the docks become smaller and smaller. After about thirty minutes, they were able to relax, realizing that the ship hadn’t yet sunk, and likely wouldn’t anytime soon.

The trip was relaxing for the most part. The brothers argued still, as Killian realized that Liam had completely rearranged all of the food in the kitchenette. It wasn’t surprising and he’d seen Liam do it at his house, whenever Elsa would just quickly throw things back in the pantry. But what did shock him was how Liam adamantly denied it, even though Killian knew he’d left the tea bags in the cupboard above the tiny stove top, not under the sink. And the chips had been moved as well as other items. Still though, Liam swore he hadn’t touched them.

Killian eventually let it go, finding it not worth bickering over anymore than they already had. The real fist-to-cuffs came at the end of the day, as the two men had already redocked and were setting the boat back to rights. Liam had grabbed the trash and told Killian that he was going to take it all to the dumpster in the parking lot while Killian secured all of the sails.

Liam couldn’t have been gone for more than a minute when Killian stood to turn and move on to the other sail when he slipped and fell flat on his back. It hurt more than he wanted to admit, and in his haste to stop himself from falling, he’d somehow managed to catch his hook in the jib sail, tearing it as he fell.

Killian took a moment to compose himself, waiting for the sting of hitting his back on the rail to subside. He must have taken longer than he realized, because by the time he sat back up he heard Liam call his name and scramble across the boat to check on him.

Killian assured him that he was fine, or that he would be as Liam helped him back up. Careful of his steps, he turned to see just what exactly he’d slipped on when he caught sight of small water puddles in the shape of shoe prints. Absolutely sure that Liam had made them somehow, the two brothers had it out, causing Liam to storm away in a huff once more.

Killian stayed long enough to dry all of the water and to watch the sunset over the horizon before heading back to his place to grab a much needed ice pack. His back was still sore two hours later, so he opted for a shower instead hoping that the warm water might help soothe the muscles.

Slowly he undressed, trying not to twist or bend too much. Catching just a glimpse of himself in the mirror are he removed the small gold locket he’d found, he caught sight of his red cheeks, realising that even in October, he’d still managed to get a bit too much sun.

Getting to sleep had been tough. It was only after a glass or two, or three of rum that he was able to find a comfortable position. He drifted off, dreaming of being a child again. Of Neverland and Captain Hook.

The next morning he was still quite sore, so he’d opted not to take a second trip out on the water. Instead, he’d spend the day shopping for groceries and flicking through television programs until he settled on Wicked Tuna. Before he knew it, it was time to ready himself for bed and another dreaded week at work.

It ended up not being as bad of a week as he expected it to be. Liam hadn’t scheduled any meetings for him outside of normal office hours, and the clients that came into the office to settle contracts all seemed relatively normal for once. The brothers had quazied made up, but both felt it was best if Liam didn’t go out with Killian again for a while.

By the time the next weekend came, Killian was eager to set sail again, alone. No distractions. No mind games. Just him and The Jolly. Unable to hide the gold chain under his work shirt, Killian had chosen to leave the compass at home all week, but slid it back over his head before getting in his car to drive down to the water.

For a few moments he worried that his plans would be dashed as his car had refused to turn on. The starter trying to turn over and failing. Finally though, he got her started and headed straight for the docks.

He went through his usual routine, checking everything over, checking the weather once more. It was a little windier than he would have preferred, but the local station said that the wind would die down a bit by mid day. With everything ready, he set out, heading up the coast line just a bit.

The wind stayed stead for nearly four hours, despite the weather stations promise, and at one point, his life preserver ring had managed to come loose and blow straight off the ship. Not wanting to waste sixty dollars on a new one, he turned into the wind, stalling the boat, and dove dove in after it. A foolish endeavour on his part, considering he was alone if anything had gone wrong, but he figured if he could just get to the ring, he’d be fine.

The water was colder than he’d expected. In the navy he’d done cold water drills, letting his body adapt to it. But it had been a year, and his body simply wasn’t used to it yet. The moment he hit the water, his leg cramped up, and for just a second, he sunk under the surface of the water as he grabbed at his leg. When he resurfaced, it was with a mouth full of salt water. His nose burned and his eyes stung.

Once he managed to make it to the preserver, he tried wiping his eyes, but it only made things worse. Looking around to see just how far he was from The Jolly, his eyes had difficulty focusing. Everything became blurry as it felt like he’d had sandpaper rubbed against his cornea. At one point, it looked as if there was a figure standing at the bow of the boat. An impossibility given how far out he was and the lack of other boats.

He closed his eyes, giving them a few minutes to calm down, and when he reopened them, the figure was gone, and The Jolly was more in focus. Killian managed to swim back to the boat, a freezing mess in his wet clothes. He hadn’t actually thought about bringing a change of clothes with him for such a short journey. He stood there on the deck a shivering mess, ready to give up on the day.

As he tried to turn the wheel he began to feel slightly warmer. The wind had finally died down just as local weather woman Alfina Merryweather had promised, except that Merriweather had neglected to mention that her version of a slight breeze was actually a dead stop.

There was nothing, not even the slightest hint of movement. He waited and waited, at one point removing his clothes and doing his best to squeeze as much water out as he could. He thought of Liam, of how his brother would probably be worried if he didn’t hear from him soon. Thoughts that eventually reminded him of the motor his brother had installed for just such an occasion. The motor that Killian never wanted, and certainly wasn’t going to admit to using.

It took him forty two minutes to read the manuel enough to understand what he was doing, the whole thing one long novel of gibberish. Unfortunately, no matter how hard he tried, and how many times he went through the manuel again, twenty minutes later he was just as stuck as before.

After another thirty minutes of attempting to start it and pretending that hyperthermia wasn’t a real threat, he finally caved, ready to call for help over the radio to a towing company. But the radio was just as dead as SMEE, and all of his calls for help were met with static. He began to worry, checking his phone to see the time only to realize that his phone was dead as well. He continued to plea for assistance, the static only becoming louder, eventually there was a spark as he felt a strange nasty shock from the microphone

He jumped back, yelling every curse word he could think of until he was nearly hoarse. Just as he’d quieted, shaking out his hand, he’d heard it. A creaky noise coming from above deck, The same sound he’d heard on his first day out. The sound of boards buckling under the weight of a person. He was sure of it this time, unless the jolt had managed to shock his brain too.

Slowly he crept back up the stairs, feeling every hair raise along his arm as he went. Something felt off. Something just felt very very wrong. But he persisted still, opening the door as quietly as possible. He crept along the deck, treading lightly as not to make any noise. As he moved high enough to see the front of the boat, he noticed a figure. An eerie ethereal blur of a woman.

But before he could say anything she turned and looked right at him. He watched her for a moment, as she seemed to float above the bow of the boat, somehow both there and not quite real. And then her mouth opened, and with the anguished scream of a hundred voices at once, she yelled at him to get out.

He nearly fell as he scrambled backwards, feeling his heart in his throat, trying to leap clear from his body. And just as quickly as she appeared, she was gone. He was paralyzed in fear, completely unable to move when he heard the boat’s engine spring to life, snapping him out of his trance.

[whattaylormademedo]

Please read the latest post on my GoFundMe. This is THE WORST time to need medical care for a progressive and horrid illness.

I am mostly paralyzed for the 4th day in a row now. My hands are working right now and my body hasn’t shut down and knocked me out uncontrollably from the exhaustion of paralyzing, extreme, charlie-horse-like muscle spasms (like it’s been doing Friday, Saturday, and today, Sunday) although I’m still lightheaded from the ceaseless pain. Here is a link and I will transcribe the update my mom wrote:

https://www.gofundme.com/f/HelpMadelineShanley?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link-tip&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet

Transcription from my Mom:

“Hi Family and Friends,

Madeline’s doctor will no longer be able to come to the house for her appointments because of the Covid-19 coronavirus outbreak. We still have no transportation for her, so she will not be seen until they are able to begin telemedicine sometime in the future. We are hopeful that her nurse will still be able to come to the house to do her lifesaving treatments 2 days every two weeks. We are hopeful that we won’t have disruption in our ability to get this vital IVIG medication for her as well as all of the other medications that she must have. She will not have the needed surgery on her feet that we have been trying to get for her, so we must just try to keep infection at bay until all of this is over. These are the realities that we now must add to our battle.

Madeline is still fighting for her health. Occasionally we have a day when she is able to sit up in bed and stand with much support. But, she is still battling the constant, painful muscle contractions of Stiff Person Syndrome. It is hard for us to wrap our heads around fighting SPS AND going through a pandemic. We are hopeful and we need to keep moving forward.

We don’t know what the future holds. Hopefully, the disruptions to people’s lives will be minimal and focused on trying to keep everyone healthy. Hopefully, you all will be safe and have what you need to care for yourselves and your family. Please think of our family as we battle for Madeline’s life in the realities of a world fighting a new and fast-spreading virus. Please send Madeline any messages of support or kindness. Please consider sharing our story and GoFundMe. We need all the help we can get. Thank you.”

From me: I am trying to hold onto hope, but like in ‘Haunted‘ (which is how I feel now) it feels like “something keeps me holding onto nothing.” If you can, instead please send me messages of hope and encouragement. I don’t have much hope right now. Even PMs would mean a lot. THE MOST HELPFUL THING YOU CAN DO IS DONATE TO MY GOFUNDME. SHARE IT IF YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO DONATE. PLEASE HELP ME AND MY FAMILY TRY TO SAVE MY LIFE.

I’m heartbroken that this might push back the Lover Tour shows, especially Lover Tour East, which was my biggest motivator. It’s nobody’s fault, and I understand it’s dangerous to have a gathering that large during a pandemic like this. It’s just something I’m scared that even if it is rescheduled, I might not have the treatments I need or the resources I’d need to get to those treatments and be alive for them. I know without the treatments, I will rapidly lose my ability to move, speak, or communicate (I’ll still feel the pain, have all my mental faculties, and be fully aware of what’s happening to my body. I’ll likely be blind because my eyelids tend to spasm closed, but sometimes they spasm open and prevents me from sleeping, but I likely won’t have control of my eye muscles anyways. That’s UNLESS I get treatment and have way to get to it).

My GoFundMe, run by my parents, is the bare minimum of my needs. It covers 18 months of medication, costs to purchase and modify a van for wheelchair use, and costs to modify my electric wheelchair so I can use it and get to my treatments when I need to (the electric wheelchair was generously donated by a kind widower whose wife unfortunately passed before she could take it out of the box. Bless her soul and may she be at peace).

The GoFundMe doesn’t cover costs for the secondary needs, like the caregivers I qualify for, programs for my computer to make doctor notes for the one telecommunication visit I’ll have per month with a doctor as I get worse and worse, braces to keep my body from breaking itself, and anything to use as an artistic outlet that I can do with caregiver assistance and my limited mobility (distracting me helps because I watch in horror as life as I knew it has changed in every way possible. In a year and under 3 months, I went from being able-bodied, living on my own in college, and walking to not being able to roll over in my home hospital bed by myself and in constant, agonizingly painful, physically paralyzing, muscle spasms throughout my entire body, that shifts hour by hour. In that same time, I went from expecting the future I worked at since I was 9: being a future CEO, living on my own, working for a company as I grew my own start-up, eventually letting that go off the ground and profiting, now to a future of hoping I survive each month, each treatment, and hoping with what hope I have left to get mobility so I can go to my doctors and treatments someday).

I fear when the ingrown toenails (there are several but there’s two separate ones on the same inner side of my left big toe) grow out and touch each other. It’s inevitable without immediate surgery. They’re less than half a centimeter apart and I don’t know exactly how much that will hurt. It will hurt quite a lot, though, and I won’t get treatment for them for a long time. As TSwift sang in ‘The Archer,’ “the luck of the draw only draws the unlucky.” With a disease as rare as mine, Stiff Person Syndrome (Aka SPS) and in a time like nothing I’ve never known, I sure do feel unlucky.

Without this disease, I’d be out there, buying supplies with the money I earned from the job (that I couldn’t start because of my SPS), driving (which I’ll never be able to do) to people’s doorsteps and delivering necessary food and supplies. I’d risk my life, likely staying in an isolated location to protect my loved ones.

But instead, I have SPS. I’m stuck here in this home hospital bed, paralyzed and in pain. I’m helpless and not able to be helpful. As someone who cares about other people far more than my own self, it’s its own kind of torture to be physically unable to help members of my community.

I hope you all are safe and I beg of you to give me any reason to hope. Any PM, donation to the GoFundMe my parents run for me, or share of that GoFundMe would mean a lot. Thank you for reading. I wish everyone and their loved ones health, happiness, and fulfillment.

💔Madeline

[camillemontespan]

a kingdom divided [part twenty nine: all the women that came before you]

 Part Twenty Eight here if you want to catch up.

Angst and fluff is prevalent here. So much angst. 

@jovialyouthmusic @pug-bitch @sirbeepsalot @moonlightgem7 @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore @be-still-my-aching-heart @iplaydrake @dcbbw @carabeth @notoriouscs

************************************************************************************

The two brothers stared at each other for a long moment.

‘What do you mean you’re going to Cuba?’ Liam asked, breaking the silence. 

Leo exhaled. ‘I have to go.’

‘But why?’ Liam asked, his voice becoming high pitched. ‘Why now? I think I have managed to heal the kingdom. Things will be more peaceful now, more settled! We can hang out again.. I missed you where you were gone.’ His voice cracked.

‘As great as that sounds, I just don’t think me being here is a good idea,’ Leo told him.

Liam settled back into his chair. ‘Can you explain why?’

Leo sat down in the chair opposite him and bit his lip, trying to think of the best way to explain this sudden 360 he was now spinning. 

‘You are the King. If I was around, I would be a constant reminder to Cordonia that sometimes, the monarchy fails. I failed by abandoning our country and I will never forgive myself for that. I just don’t want to be a shadow on your reign. You should lead the kingdom with this fresh slate; you’ve been given the gift, Liam, to start again and be the King that dad wasn’t and what I could never be. I’m so, so proud of you and I don’t want to let you down again. I don’t want to mess up our relationship and I worry that if I stay, things will become cracked.’

Liam considered this explanation. ‘What about Olivia? You can’t just leave her, I thought you were just beginning something.’

‘Olivia wants nothing to do with me,’ Leo said bitterly.

‘Oh god. Leo, what did you do? Did you fuck a maid again? You know not to fuck the help!’

Leo’s eyes bulged. ‘I’m not like that anymore! I haven’t cheated on her.’

‘So why is she angry with you?’

‘It’s not that she’s angry with me, it’s more like she changed her mind. She doesn’t want me to hurt her so she ended things before the inevitable happened.’

‘You think leaving to go to Cuba isn’t going to hurt her?’ Liam asked, studying his brother. Leo clenched the arms of his chair. He looked at the floor then back at Liam. 

‘I honestly don’t think she will care if I just leave,’ he said quietly. ‘She made it clear that I ruin everything I touch. I ruin women, I ruined Cordonia and I ruined my relationship with you. It’s best if I’m out the way.’

‘What utter bullshit,’ Liam said harshly. ‘She’s gotten inside your head and made you feel like you’re poison-’

‘I am poison, Liam,’ Leo replied. 

‘You are my brother.’

They stared at each other once more. ‘Please don’t leave,’ Liam whispered. ‘Please. I need you.’

Leo sighed. ‘Nobody needs me.’

                 ***********************************************************************

Olivia jumped when her door burst open. Whipping around, she came face to face with Liam who looked furious. ‘Liam! What’s happened?’ 

‘You happened,’ Liam said, pointing at her. ‘Because of you, Leo is going away. You made him feel like was poison, that he ruins everything, that he is worthless. He is going to fucking Cuba because of you and now I’m going to be left again. Thank you very much, Olivia. Hope you’re happy.’

Olivia stared at him. ‘He’s leaving?’

Liam nodded. ‘Yes. To Cuba.’

He swore he saw tears shine in her eyes but she looked down at her hand and examined her fingernails. ‘What Leo chooses to do is not my fault,’ she replied shortly.  ‘If he wants to do his usual fuck off and leave trick, then let him.’

‘I don’t want him to leave!’ Liam burst out. ‘He’s my brother!’

‘He’s an adult, Liam. Let him make his own decisions.’

‘Don’t fucking patronise me.’

‘I’m not. I’m just being realistic; am I the only one here who sees things for what they are?’

‘I don’t know why you have changed your mind about him,’ Liam whispered, ‘but for Gods sake, Liv, he’s broken up. You’ve hurt him bad.’

‘Good. Better him than me.’

Liam’s eyes flashed. He thrust out his hand, offering an envelope. ‘He wrote you a letter before leaving for the private plane just now. Take it.’ 

Olivia took the letter mutely and watched as Liam stormed out of her room. With shaking hands, she opened the drawer in her dressing table and shoved the letter inside. She tried not to think about how that drawer held her dagger; the dagger she had used on Kiara; the fatal incident which Leo had tried to help her hide.

               *************************************************************************

Leo looked out of the plane window, waiting for the plane to embark on its journey. He thought back over the last few months. He had been utterly blindsided by Olivia; she had caught him by surprise and he hadn’t predicted that he would end up falling in love with her.

Fullblown, head over heels, butterflies in the stomach, can’t stop thinking about her sort of love.

But she hadn’t wanted him. Leo understood her reasons; she wanted to protect her heart from him and Leo was a known breaker of hearts. He didn’t blame her in the slightest. 

Leo still wanted her though. 

He had written his letter to her slowly, thoughtfully. He wanted to convey his thoughts in the right way so she would understand why he loved her. Leo was never one for romantic gestures; hell, he wasn’t one for romantic feelings, period. But she had changed that. Olivia made him want to write her handwritten love letters. She made him want to buy her flowers, even though she threw the ones he gave her in the bin. She made him want to kiss every single inch of her body and worship her for the warrior queen that she was. He wanted to feel her fire. 

‘The pilot is asking if you are ready to fly?’ the hostess asked, interrupting his thoughts. Leo cast one last look out of the window.

‘I’m ready, thank you.’

But he wouldn’t get to do those things for Olivia. Not anymore. 

               *****************************************************************

Camille found Drake sat at the kitchen table, cup of coffee beside him, reading a pregnancy book. She grinned when she saw that he was absorbed. 

‘Hey you,’ she greeted him, pressing a kiss on the top of his head. He smiled up at her. ‘Hey gorgeous.’ 

She sat down opposite him. ‘I see you’re studying.’

‘Yeah, I figured I should know what’s going on with Lily, you know?’ He frowned and looked at her. ‘Do you know that she is probably upside down right now to prepare to exit the birth canal?’ 

Camille blinked. ‘Wh- what?  Drake, did you just refer to my vagina as a birth canal?’ 

‘Well...’

‘Oh dear God. Okay, what else are you learning? Any other lovely terms to describe it?’

‘That’s the only one. Has the skin on your tummy been itching?’

‘Kinda.’

‘That’s normal,’ he told her. ‘Just rub oil on it or a moisturiser. You have a moisturiser for your tummy right?’

‘Yes, Drake, I do.’

‘Good good...’ He continued reading. Camille observed him then reached out to take his hand. He looked up at her and smiled bashfully.

Camille spoke. ‘I know I kind of freaked when you called my vagina a birth canal.. but I appreciate you reading up on this. I’ve been reading a few books and getting worried I’m not doing everything right. Like, is she okay in there? Cosy? Happy?’

Drake shut the book and focused his attention entirely on his wife. ‘Camille, you’re making a lovely home for her in there. I promise. I know we had problems a few months ago but that was down to stress. Since you’ve been here in Texas, you’ve been happy, right?’

She nodded. ‘Of course I have been!’

‘That’s all that matters. You’ve been happy, Lily’s been happy. I’ll be there for you the whole time. I’ll read so many baby books, I could walk into that hospital and deliver any baby myself.’

Camille giggled. Drake squeezed her hand. ‘You’re doing great.’

                         *************************************************

Olivia had had a fitful sleep and now it was 10am. Bleary eyed, she sat down, staring at the dressing table. The letter was calling out to her. She had been thinking about it all night. Did she really want to read Leo telling her how much he hated her now? Because that's what the letter must be about - how she turned him against her and he was leaving because he hated her.

She bit her fingernails, her eyes fixed on the dressing table drawer.

'Fuck it,' she finally said, bolting up to take the letter out. She opened the envelope savagely and steeled herself to read about how much of a bitch she was. She wouldn't blame him for being brutally honest. She began to read.

Hey trouble,

I'm not usually one for letter writing or grand gestures. But I decided to write you a letter because for some reason, you make me want to write letters to you. You actually make me want to do really romantic stuff but I've learned now that flowers don't heal stab wounds and should be avoided at all costs.

I know you told me that we have nothing. You made it clear that we will never have anything more than secret meetings in the dark. You want nothing to do with me now because you're scared I’ll hurt you.

You're an intelligent woman, Liv. I wouldn't trust me either. But I feel like I've changed. You helped me to change. When we had that first night together, you wanted me to help you forget my brother. Little did I know that you, Olivia Nevrakis, would help me forget all the women that came before you.

We’re the same and I think that’s why I was so drawn to you. We are both difficult to get to know, we hold people at arms length and we cause more pain than most. But getting to know you has been eye opening for me; you’re amazing. I see you for what you are, flaws and all, and I wouldn’t change you for the world. You challenge me, you call me out for my shit, and I do the same to you. Nobody else would dare do that to you; but you don’t scare me. You don’t intimidate me. I know it’s just a smoke screen; you actually have a heart of gold.

You said I would leave and break your heart. I’m sorry I’m leaving now and proving you right. But the one thing you are actually wrong about is the fact I will hurt you. Olivia, I swear, I know a good thing when I have it. You’re the first woman to make me feel something. You make me happy. I’d be a fool to break your heart which is why I would swear to keep it safe, if you gave me the privilege of looking after it.

But this is over now. I’m not going to force you into something you don’t want to do. I hope you remember how incredible you are, how strong, how powerful and how beautiful. I like to think I helped you see that you are all of those things and more. 

At least we’ll always have rule six.

I love you, Olivia Nevrakis.

Leo x 

Olivia’s eyes filled with tears when she closed the letter. Her chest began to constrict and her throat tightened; her breathing became more harsh. ‘Oh god.. oh god...’ she whispered, feeling panic rise. ‘What have I done?’ 

She sat up straight and clenched her fists. Her fingernails dug into her skin, drawing blood, but she didn’t care. She needed to feel something that wasn’t complete and utter regret. 

She needed to talk to someone. Liam was a no go; he was still angry at her. Leo was in Cuba and talking to him now would be a mistake. 

Wiping away tears, she grabbed her phone. She scrolled through her contacts until she found Camille. 

          ***************************************************************************

Camille groaned when her phone woke her up. Rubbing her eyes, she checked the time. 3am. Who was calling at this hour? She reached out to answer the call but Drake pulled her back, nuzzling into her neck. ‘No.. comfy..’ he murmured sleepily.

Camille sighed. ‘Babe, it’s Olivia.’

‘She’s pocket dialling..’

‘Drake, let me up.’

‘Nooooo...’

Camille managed to unwind herself from Drake’s arm and answered the call. ‘Olivia?’

She could hear muffled crying.  Camille sat up quickly, her heart starting to pound. ‘Olivia? Are you okay?’

‘Camille.. I fucked up..’ Olivia replied, her voice shaking. Camille clambered out of bed, ignoring Drake’s protests, and shrugged on her dressing gown.  She padded downstairs, careful not to make any noise, and settled down on the sofa in the living room. 

‘Olivia, talk to me.’

There was a sniffle. ‘I rejected Leo and now he’s gone. I fucked it up.’

‘Where has he gone?’ Camille asked, her voice soothing.

‘Cuba.’

‘What?! When?’

‘Yes-yesterday. He told me he was... he was..’

‘He was what?’

‘Falling in love with me,’ Olivia said quietly. 

Camille swallowed. This was big but she knew not to make a big deal out of it. That would only scare Olivia away.  ‘Okay.. You said you rejected him?’

‘Yes.’

‘Why honey?’

‘Because I’m a fucking idiot.’ 

Camille heard Olivia sniff again and when she spoke, her voice cracked. ‘He wrote me a letter and it’s the most amazing thing anyone has ever given me.’

‘Do you mind if I ask what the letter said?’

To Camille’s surprise, Olivia didn’t tell her to mind her own business. Instead, she read out the letter. Camille felt tears spring up in her eyes when Olivia finished. 

‘Liv.. that was lovely.’

‘I know right?! What the hell?’ Olivia’s voice rose with a tinge of hysteria. ‘Why didn’t he tell me this way before instead of acting like a complete and utter douchebag?! He always acts like he has no feelings, it’s so frustrating!’ 

‘Because he has walls,’ Camille said. ‘Oh God, Liv, what are you going to do?’

‘I don’t know. Help me.’

Camille thought. ‘Okay, does he make you happy?’

‘Ugh, Camille..’ Olivia groaned.

‘Liv, it’s 3am here. You called me for a deep girly chat and damn it, that’s what you’re getting,’ Camille replied bluntly. ‘Just go with it. Does Leo make you happy?’

‘I think... I think so.. like what defines happy?’

‘I don’t know.. like butterflies? When you think of him do you smile?’

‘I ignore all feelings like that. Butterflies are pathetic.’

‘Oh Jesus, fine. Does he give you the same feeling as when you buy a new dagger?’

Olivia went silent until she spoke 10 seconds later. ‘Oh fuck.’

Camille grinned. ‘I knew it. Okay, do you see yourself being with him?’

‘What’s the point? He’s in Cuba now,’ Olivia said wearily. ‘It’s done.’

‘Olivia, answer the question. Do you see yourself being with him?’

Olivia groaned. ‘Don’t make me say it..’

‘Olivia..’ Camille replied, her voice carrying a warning. 

‘Ugh fine. Yes. I don’t know how it would work, he will realise how unsuited we are and it will end-’

‘He could realise that yes, or it could be the best thing to ever happen to you,’ Camille interrupted. ‘Love is risky, Liv. You put your feelings on the line and sure, you could get your heart broken. But it can also be the loveliest thing ever. Sharing a life with someone. Having fun. Inside jokes. You are a team. Don’t throw away something that could be amazing because you’re scared. You are a Nevrakis. You don’t get scared, you take everything life throws at you and you deal with it. Don’t give up on Leo before he’s even proven himself to you. If you let him go now, you will forever wonder what could have been.’

Olivia was silent again. Camille held her breath. 

‘Thanks, Camille,’ Olivia said softly. ‘I needed that.’

Camille smiled. ‘You go get him, girl.’