dreaming big (league) || chapter 3
word count: 5204
summary: baseball and life over the years
content warning: mention of death, injury, head injury
author’s note: this chapter was a fucking BEAST idk what came over me these last two-ish weeks goddamn. This is the most i’ve written EVER for a chapter. I hope you guys like it and catch these little moments i have sprinkled in.
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May 21, 2004
“Andrew, take lots of pictures, okay?”
“I promise I will, Sev.”
Andrew heard his partner sigh on the other end of the line. Severino hadn’t wanted to miss Carrie’s first day of tee ball but there was a private dinner booked at the restaurant. It was such a good opportunity for them. He knew he couldn’t cancel and Andrew said he would be upset if he did.
“She’ll tell you all about it when you get home.”
“Can I talk to her?”
“Carina, papa’s on the phone!”
Andrew heard her running from her room. He looked his daughter up and down when she appeared in front of him. She was already dressed in her tee ball team’s electric blue shirt and a pair of pink shorts. Her hair was still down and laying flat against her back. He’d fix it up after she got off the phone. Carrie held her hand out for the phone and he passed it over, making sure the wire wasn’t tangled.
“Hi papa.”
“Hi baby. Are you excited for your game?”
“Yeah!” she cheered. “Daddy promised he was going to braid my hair!”
“Oh he did?”
A swell of pride blossomed in Andrew’s chest. He wasn’t the best at braiding but it made him happy knowing his daughter was excited for him to do her hair. He busied himself with putting together snacks and drinks while they talked. Carina ended the conversation with an “I love you” before calling him back to the phone. They chatted for a little bit longer until Carrie called out down the hall with a, “Daddy, my hair!”
“Duty calls.”
“Of course. I’ll be home by 11.”
“We’ll pick you up.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course.”
-
“Go Carina! Run!”
Andrew launched himself to his feet and cheered as Carrie flung the bat away from her and ran to first base. She jumped up and down next to the kid who was the other team’s first baseman. He was thankful he decided to turn on the video camera again at that moment. Severino would be happy to watch back all the videos he took. A group sat down next to Andrew.
“Hi, sorry we’re late. Did we miss anything?”
Andrew greeted the family of three. Catherine Shaw and her family lived a few doors down from them. It so happened that she and Andrew also worked together in the ICU at Toronto General. He watched her son, Beckett, walk down to the fence by the first base line to watch Carrie.
“Don’t go too far, son.” his dad, Michael, warned.
“Carrie just got her first hit.”
“Did she?” Catherine’s eyes lit up.
He went back to the camcorder and found the short video he had taken of his daughter.
“Oh look at her! I told you two putting her in tee ball would be a good idea.”
It was true. Catherine and Michael had put Beckett into tee ball when he was the same age and he’s been playing ever since. Severino and Andrew were unsure whether or not to go through with it due to Carrie’s ever changing interests. Just last week she had asked her papa to buy her a skateboard after seeing an older kid riding one while they were on their way to the grocery store.
“You’re doing good, Carina!” Beckett yelled. Carrie turned her head. She knew that voice.
“Beck!” She waved at the boy and he waved back, both of them sharing a smile.
Carrie was happy to see him. Just as she was about to step off the bag, she saw Beckett hold out his arms, making her stop.
“You can’t get off the base!” he giggled.
“But you’re there!”
“You’re playing a game, you need to help your team!”
She stayed put.
October 31, 2006
“Weren’t you a baseball player last year?” Maddie, one of Carrie’s classmates, sneered when they lined up in the yard to be taken into the building. She had sounded a little insulted for some reason that Carrie was repeating her Halloween costume from the previous October. Maddie was a cowgirl this year.
“Yeah, so?” Carrie shot back.
“That’s boring!”
“No it’s not!”
“Is too!”
Before they could go any further, their teacher, Mrs. Sanders, came up to them.
“What’s going on over here?”
“Maddie said my costume was boring because it was the same one from last year!”
Mrs. Sanders looked down at the taller girl and Carrie stuck her tongue out.
“Maddie, that wasn’t a very nice thing to say. What if she told you your-” she looked her up and down “-cowgirl costume was boring?”
She frowned. “But it’s not because-”
“Madison.”
She sighed. “I’m sorry.”
But before Carrie could respond back, Maddie had already started following the other kids inside. Carrie glared at the girl’s back. Mrs. Sanders tried her best to stop the smile threatening to break out onto her face. She crouched down next to Carrie and adjusted the helmet on her head.
“Your costume isn’t boring. I like it.”
That put a smile on Carrie’s face.
July 19, 2007
Carrie was sitting on the steps of their little deck watching on as her papa got down on one knee and presented a black velvet box to her daddy. Andrew had been picking a few things from the little garden area in their backyard, a little preoccupied to notice what was happening behind him.
“Daddy!” she called out.
“Yes-” he started, turning around at the same time. The basket that had once been in his hand now on the grass as his hands flew to his mouth. He looked down at his partner. Tears were already shining in Severino’s eyes.
“Andrew, you are my best friend, my other other half. I have loved you since we were teens. I- I didn’t think I would have this kind of love again after losing Lena-” he took a breath in and let it out “-but there you were. You jumped in right away to help me with the house and Carina and- and so many more things. Fuck, my head’s all over the place.”
Both of them chuckled. Andrew wiped a stray tear that started rolling down Severino’s cheek.
“You’re doing good.”
“I look around our home and see all we’ve done together, all we’ve built together and I want nothing more than to keep doing this with you but married. I want you to be my husband and I yours. Will you-”
“Yes, yes! God, yes!”
Andrew didn’t need to wait for Severino to finish the question. The tears flowed freely from their eyes as he got Severino back on his feet and pulled him in for a kiss. They broke apart for a second so the silver band could be slid onto his left ring finger. They kissed again and laughed, wiping the tears from the other’s face.
“We’re getting married!” Andrew cheered, holding his now fiancé’s hand and kissing the back of it.
Severino picked up the basket Andrew had dropped and they walked over to where Carrie was waiting for them on the deck. She launched herself at her papa.
“You did it!”
She wrapped her arms and legs around him. Carrie was turning 9 next month and she was already a little too big to still be carried around but Severino didn’t care.
“Couldn’t have done it without your help, baby.” He kissed the side of her head.
“You helped papa?”
Carrie nodded and reached for her daddy’s hand. He gave it to her easily. She ran her finger over the emerald cut diamond that was laid in the centre of the ring.
“Yeah, she helped me pick out your ring.”
“You both did a good job, thank you.”
Carrie smiled. Her dads were getting married!
August 26, 2009
“Okay, close your eyes Carina.” Severino instructed.
She was sitting on the floor with all her opened presents and gift wrap around her. She looked up at her papa.
“Why?” she asked, scrunching her eyebrows together.
“Just do it.” her dad said from behind her where he was sitting on the couch.
She let out a sigh. “Fine.” And with that she closed her eyes.
Severino went to the garage and grabbed the blue box tied up with a red ribbon.
“Are your eyes still closed?” he asked upon re-entering the room.
“Yes papa!”
He placed the box down in front of her and gave Andrew a thumbs up to start recording.
“Okay, open.”
Carrie looked down at the box in front of her, eyebrows knitting together again. She shook the box very gently. It had some weight to it.
“What did you get me…”
She took the red bow off and cut the ribbon off. But before she could even get her hands on the lid, it popped up on its own. Carrie screamed.
“Oh my gosh!”
She quickly got rid of the lid and looked into the box. Sitting inside was the cutest german shepherd puppy she had ever seen. She gently took him out of the box and cradled him.
“Hi baby…” she said, tears rolling down her face. The pup licked them up, making her laugh.
She looked up at her parents.
“He’s mine?”
“He’s all yours, sweetheart.” Andrew said.
The two men watched as their daughter cried even harder. It made them tear up a bit as well. She stood up from the floor and hugged them both.
“Thank you,” she sniffled.
They both kissed the top of her head. She had been asking for a dog since she was 9 but they both felt she wasn’t ready yet to take on the responsibility. But after a good school year with stellar grades and staying on top of her extracurriculars, they knew it was time.
“Have you thought of a name yet?” She shook her head.
Later that week they got a custom dog tag with the name Rolo on it.
November 2, 2009
The family of four walked through the field, occasionally whispering apologies where they stepped. Severino held a bouquet of sunflowers in one hand and a candle in the other. Carrie and Andrew had a bouquet of their own as well. He spotted where they needed to be.
“There she is.” Severino said.
It took a few more steps before they reached the tombstone. Rolo sniffed the nearby area before running back to Carrie. It had been a particularly uneventful and silent drive to the cemetery. Severino spent the majority of it holding Andrew’s hand as he drove, his thumb brushing the back of his hand for comfort. Carrie spent her time looking out the window and rubbing Rolo’s ears.
The four of them stood in front of the marble marker.
Magdalena Reyes Panganiban
1969 - 1999
Beloved mother, daughter, sister, friend
A heart of gold stopped beating, two shining eyes at rest. God broke our hearts to prove, He only takes the best.
“Hi, love.” Severino greeted the stone. He went around and bent down, pressing a kiss to the top of it.
“Hey, Lena.” Andrew said, pressing his palm to the front. “Hope we’re not bugging you.”
He watched as Severino got down to his knees and put on a pair of gardening gloves, getting ready to clean up her gravesite and tombstone. Carrie came from behind and wrapped her arms around the black marble and pressed her lips to the top just like her papa had.
“Hi mommy.”
While Severino busied himself sprucing up the area, Andrew laid down the blanket they had brought and laid it down behind the tombstone. Carrie helped him by taking out the little feast they prepared. They even brought some treats for Rolo to munch on. The father and daughter duo were focused on setting up their little picnic but stopped when they heard a couple of sniffles come from behind them. They looked at one another. Andrew gave Carrie a sad smile and got up. He laid a hand on his husband’s shoulder and Severino stopped.
“Here, let me do it.”
Severino shook his head.
“Baby, I got this.” Andrew gently pried the trowel out of his hand. “Go have something to eat.”
Severino could only manage to nod, afraid that if he were to speak he would start crying and not stop. He walked over to the blanket and sat down cross legged, wiping at his eyes as he did so.
Without saying a word, Carrie got up from her spot and sat down in between her papa’s legs. He immediately wrapped his arms around her and kissed the back of her head. The scent of Carrie’s raspberry shampoo filled his nose. She pressed herself closer to her papa, a solid weight against him. Nothing needed to be said at the moment. Rolo kept watch while Andrew did the last bit of care to the grave.
The family spent the day with Magdalena; eating, listening to music, praying. They even got in a little nap with her. Both men shared stories of Carrie’s mother with her, some new, some old. Every word spoken felt like a balm to Severino’s heart, soothing the ache in his chest he always felt when visiting Magdalena’s grave. The two men watched Carrie and Rolo run around. Andrew kissed Severino’s shoulder.
“How’re you feeling?” he asked.
“Still sad. It’s not as much as when we first got here but I can still feel it.”
“I know.”
Andrew brushed his hair back.
“I’m sure she’s looking down at us right now.”
“Do you think she’d be happy, seeing how our lives turned out?”
“I think so.”
Somewhere in the skies above, Lena was sitting with the family that left before her and smiling down at her family left on earth.
June 30, 2010
Carrie stared down at the heap of gear at her feet.
“What’s this?” she asked her coach.
“Catcher’s gear.”
“I know that but why is it in front of me?”
“Because, Carina, you’re our new catcher.”
“What? No I’m not.”
“Starting today you are.”
“Why?”
“Evan quit the team and because you were the last one to join us, you got the short straw.”
“But-“ Carrie felt her shoulders sag.
“You want to make it to the bigs, right?” Coach Williams asked. She picked her head up.
“Yeah, why?”
“Playing this position will get you there, fast.”
She looked at her coach questioningly. “I don’t have time to get into it but trust me. I will teach you everything I know to help you, okay? You have a lot of potential.”
Carrie let out a breath, nodded, and picked up the catcher’s mitt. “Okay.”
September 5, 2011
Carrie plucked the grass at her sides and kept her eyes on her gear which was sitting in a pile in front of her. It was an unusually humid Labour Day and Beckett had the bright idea of getting in one last throwing session before school started. She could feel the sweat sticking to all parts of her. The boy passed his water bottle over to her so she could take a couple gulps. He watched as she did.
“Are you excited for tomorrow?”
She wiped her mouth. “What’s tomorrow?”
“First day of school?” he answered back in a ‘duh’ sort of tone. Carrie shrugged in response.
“I guess.”
“You guess? You’re usually excited for school to start and you’re going into grade 8.”
Carrie didn’t give him a reply.
“Carina, what’s going on? You’ve been weird with me all week.”
She shrugged again.
“Are you okay? Are you sick?”
“No.”
“Then what is it?” Beckett’s chocolate brown eyes bore into the side of her head. She looked at him for a second before going back to the grass.
“It’s just-“ she stopped herself. “You won’t be there anymore. At school.”
He sat up, scooting his bum a bit closer. “Oh, but we’ve talked about this already.”
“Yeah, I know and I know I’ve had all summer to deal with it but now that it’s starting tomorrow… it’s hard.”
They were sitting in the outfield of the local ballpark close to their house. It’s a spot they frequented all summer and summers past when they had nothing better to do. They looked towards home plate where their bags were sitting.
“We’re still gonna see each other almost every single day.”
“Will we?”
“Of course. Just because I’m going to high school doesn’t stop us from being neighbours. I’m still going to come see you and bug your dads.”
“My dads don’t care because they love you.” Carrie rolled her eyes.
“And what about you?”
“What about me?”
“Do you love me too?”
“Sometimes.” She didn’t miss a beat with that answer.
“Sometimes?!”
Carrie let out a chuckle but it died down quickly.
“Are you sure you won’t forget about me?”
“I promise I won’t. I’ll even pick you up after school and buy you a McFlurry.”
They both got up from the grass, brushing themselves off. Carrie collected her catcher’s gear.
“If their ice cream machine is broken again, you owe me double.”
“Okay, deal.”
The ice cream machine at McDonald’s was in fact broken once again.
July 20, 2012
The moment the batter swung, Carrie knew it was going to the outfield. She took a quick glance at the player at first who looked like they were getting ready to tag. She heard her teammates yells of, “Throw it home!” behind her.
She got in a position to catch and from her peripheral she could see the player tag the bag and start running towards her. Carrie saw their outfielder, Daniel, throw the ball towards home with all his might. The ball took a bounce a couple feet in front of her and popped into her mitt. What she didn’t see when she turned was the player launching himself at her, the force of the impact knocking her to the ground as well as her helmet and mask. The baseball popped out of the glove.
She couldn’t remember much after that. She could hear cheering somewhere behind her and her coach, one of them at least, yelling at someone. It was probably the umpire. She couldn’t tell if it was Coach Williams or Davies. Her head was spinning. When she opened her eyes, she could see the clear blue sky but with black spots popping in and out of it. A face came into view right above her.
“Carrie!” She winced at the loudness of her papa’s voice. Somewhere not too far she could hear her dad yelling too. He sounded angry. Her papa’s face got closer to hers.
“Where does it hurt, baby? Tell me.” He gently stroked her cheek.
“Everywhere- my head-” she could feel tears running down the sides of her face.
“I know, I know. Daddy’s coming, okay? Try not to move.”
All she did was blink at him. She felt hands on either side of her neck. She knew they belonged to her daddy.
“Daddy?”
“I’m here, sweetheart. Daddy’s here. Sev, call 911-” she could feel her papa pulling away from her.
“Papa, don’t leave-” She wasn’t thinking when she shot her arm out to hold onto him.
“Catherine-” her dad sounded like he was looking for her “Catherine! Call 911!”
“I’m on the line with them!”
“Beckett, untie her cleats and take them off- gently, okay?”
“Beck?”
“Right here, Carina.” She heard him say from below her.
Andrew and Catherine did their assessments on her and waited until the ambulance came. Beckett held her hand.
Everything moved quickly after that. They got a collar around her neck and put her on a backboard onto the stretcher. Andrew went with her in the ambulance and Severino followed behind in their car along with Catherine and Beckett.
-
Severino, Catherine, and Beckett sat in the waiting room of the emergency department. Andrew stayed with Carrie while they ran tests.
“John said they’re looking at disciplinary action against the player and his coaches.”
“Yeah, I sure hope they fucking do.” Severino spat out. Catherine laid a hand on his shoulder. “The kid purposely threw himself at her, you saw that. He jumped at her. Who the fuck does that? And then they had the audacity to celebrate while my daughter was laying on the ground.”
“I know, Sev.”
“And the kid was huge; he was bigger than Carina. They were playing a kid’s game, Catherine.”
She rubbed his back. A beat of silence.
“Look, you guys are going to be here awhile, probably have to stay overnight. Why don’t we get you something to eat?”
He nodded.
-
In the end, Carrie was diagnosed with a grade 3 concussion due to her losing consciousness for a few seconds after the impact. She didn’t play baseball for the rest of the year.
August 31, 2014
Carrie ran out from the dugout, catcher’s mitt covering the lower half of her face.
“Three outs, that’s all we need.” she chanted to herself. She felt someone come up behind her and tap her lower back.
Beckett.
“Hey-”
He turned his head for a quick second as he ran to the mound and sent her a wink. He strode up to the pitcher’s mound. Carrie watched him as he prepared himself for the inning: writing his lucky number 12 in the dirt, crossing it out with the toe of his right cleat, shaking out the tension from his shoulders, looking down at the dirt beneath him then up to the sky, then to his left and his right. It’s a ritual she’s watched him do and perfect over the years. He’s never missed a step. Well he did once before and it was the worst game he’s pitched so far in his career. He never made that mistake again.
She saw him take a deep breath in and let it out slowly, letting her know he was ready for her signals.
Three outs, that was all they needed.
-
Carrie took a quick glance at the batter at first. The girl was only a few steps off the bag and she wasn’t dancing around. She didn’t seem like she was going to try for second. The umpire threw a new baseball back to Beckett. The count was 2-2 and Beckett had just thrown a ball into the dirt that thankfully stayed in front of Carrie. She called for time and ran towards him.
“What are you doing?” were the words that came out of his mouth.
“One more strike, Beck. That’s all we need, okay?” She looked up at him. He nodded.
“One more strike,” he repeated.
“Good. You got this.”
She gave him a little nudge before taking her spot back at home. The batter got back in the box. She gave him her signs and he threw the ball.
Fouled off.
They went through the motions again.
Fouled again.
One more time. Carrie felt and heard the pop of the ball hitting the centre of her mitt.
“STRIKE THREE!”
Carrie immediately got out of her crouch and threw her mask somewhere to the side. She started running towards the mound.
“We did it! We won!”
Everyone rushed around them, jumping up and down. All she could see was him.
November 27, 2014
Carrie walked through the front door of the restaurant with her backpack over her shoulder. She greeted everyone she ran into on her way to the kitchen. She found her papa hunched over a tall pot of… something. It was probably kare kare.
“Hi papa.” She came up behind him and gave his shoulder a squeeze. She looked into the pot. She was right.
“Oh, hi baby. How was school?”
“It was okay. It just felt really slow. I’m going to Tim’s to grab a snack before I start, do you want anything?”
“I’m okay but can you get the- ano ba yan- the box with the different baked goods. Do they still do that?”
“I think you have to get them separately. Like, a box of muffins, a box of donuts, and a pack of Timbits.”
“Yeah, do that.”
“Okay.”
She came back within 15 minutes with a bag full of goodies. She had a Boston cream donut and a couple of Timbits to start her shift.
-
“You guys all done with these? Alright.” Carrie collected the table’s dishes and brought them to the kitchen to be washed. When she came back out she found a table that needed to be cleaned.
Her night went on just like that. Bussing tables wasn’t the most glamorous of first jobs but she did it happily because she was working in her papa’s restaurant. Since she turned 16 in August she was finally allowed to work. She worked every Friday and Saturday. Sundays were to rest and obviously Monday through Thursday was for school and extracurriculars. If she wanted to have a Friday or Saturday off she had to go through the booking off process just like everybody else. No special treatment just because she was the owner’s kid. She was perfectly fine with that.
When 10pm hit they began to lock up, making sure the restaurant was clean and ready for the following day. Carrie collected the remaining dishes and wiped down the tables, humming to herself as she did so. It was a pretty busy night for them which made sense considering it was Friday.
The restaurant was younger than her by a few years but she remembers spending all her free time there after school, being “babysat” by the servers and bartenders and hosts who worked. It wasn’t much babysitting considering she behaved, occupying herself with colouring books and reading books that turned into homework when she finally started to get it. Sometimes they’d sit with her and keep her company on their breaks. It was nice knowing some of them stayed after all this time. They felt more like family to her than just people that worked with her papa.
When she finished her tasks for the night, she grabbed her things from the upstairs office and brought them down to the main dining area. All she had to do was wait for her papa. It didn’t take long before Severino emerged from the kitchen holding a couple takeout boxes that her dad probably asked to bring home.
“Ready?” she asked him.
“Yeah, come on.”
And they left through the front door of the restaurant. Another work day in the books.
September 26, 2015
“Sige na, pagbigyan mo na ako, okay? I just want you to make sure you have all your options open.”
Carina looked at her papa. He was giving her his, “Please, for me?” eyes. She could never say no.
“Okay, fine.”
“Thank you.”
Carrie hadn’t wanted to go to the university fair. She would be graduating the following June so she had to start thinking about what to do after high school. And she did. Carrie was pretty much set on taking time off after graduation to try and go farther with her baseball career. She had several sit downs with her coaches and her parents over the summer to discuss how they were going to help her reach her complete potential and get her noticed. Her dad had been sceptical but he eventually put his full trust in her coaches. Her papa on the other hand? It wasn’t so easy. He was reluctant to give the go ahead, coming at Coach Williams and Coach Davies with all these questions at every meeting. It reached a point where Carrie had asked her dad to talk to him because it made her feel like he didn’t believe in her.
Now with the university fair happening that weekend, her papa started up again. She knew how important it was to him for her to go to post-secondary but why waste it on a school- on a program- that she didn’t really care for? It would just be a waste of money for her parents. But alas, the day of the fair came and she couldn’t say no to him.
-
“Carina, wait-”
She jogged the last few steps back to their house. She went rifling through her bag to find her keys. Her dad ended up opening the door for her when he heard her struggling to put it into the deadbolt.
“I knew he would do this!” she yelled and dropped the bag they got from the fair by their shoes.
She stalked up the stairs. Andrew saw Severino walking down the driveway.
“What did you say to her?”
“I just told her she needed to be realistic.”
Andrew gave his husband a look.
“Seriously?”
“You know I’m right.”
“There is no right or wrong here, Sev. You basically told our daughter that her dreams aren’t realistic.”
A few minutes later, Carrie came bounding down the staircase with her gear bag in tow. She had changed into a sweater and some leggings.
“Where are you going?” her dad had asked even though he knew exactly where she was going. He didn’t miss the way her eyes had looked red and puffy underneath.
“For a workout.”
She left just as quickly as she had come.
“You’re apologizing to her when she gets home.”
October 16, 2016
“Oh, congratulations, Michael. That’s great news.” Severino said.
Carina looked down at her dinner plate. She could feel Beck’s eyes boring into her forehead. The adults chatted for the remainder of the dinner while the kids remained silent.
Beckett’s father received a promotion at work (great!) that needed the family to relocate (not great). They used this dinner to tell Carrie and her family. It’s not like she didn’t know already. She overheard her dad and Catherine on the phone a few days ago, probably when it was confirmed that he got the promotion.
The rest of the dinner passed in a blur with Carrie using homework as an excuse to leave.
“I thought you finished it already.” her papa commented.
“I forgot something.”
Her dad made a noise of disapproval. “I told you to double check your agenda, remember?”
“Yeah, I know.” And with that she retreated up the stairs.
She stuck her headphones in her ears and laid down on her bed, facing away from the door.
“This doesn’t look like homework.”
Carina turned around and glared at Beckett.
“What do you want?”
He put his hands up.
“What are you getting mad at me for?”
She turned back around. She felt her bed dip behind her.
“I know you’re upset about us moving…”
“…”
“I don’t want to go either.” He laid down next to her. “We’re not leaving until next year, though, if that makes you feel any better.”
“It doesn’t.”
Beckett sighed.
“I’m sorry.”
After a few moments of silence, Carrie finally turned over. She looked at him.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
He brushed her hair back behind her ear.
“We’ll be okay.”
Would they?
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