#buut I don't wanna get out of bed

[sansfangirl24]

wingstop sounds so good right noww..

I want boneless wings..

[amjusthappee00]

"Time Heals Every Wound"

As I finished watching a Kdrama series entitled"Daily Dose of Sunshine", it reminded me how important mental health awareness is. Each one of us needed some outlets to vent or let all the negative emotions out from your system.

So, here's my way of letting out all these thoughts out of my neurons. Let's type it in English para syala (charaught). I don't wanna share this so you can pry on my private life, nope. I don't wanna lay all my hidden cards just for you, Marites (charaught). I just wanna inspire all those ppl who's having difficulty in dealing with their mental health.

Here it goes… During my younger years, I was fond with my father and I was called "Tatay's girl". I remembered all those happy memories with him. Clinging unto him and sitting upon his lap while him singing. He has so many dad jokes and my mom has it too! Everytime my family will go out, I was always with him. There are times he'll carry me up in his shoulders, we call it "usong". He'll always 'usong' me cause I like being tall. But all things changed… It all started when I was at the age of 8 and I'm in 3rd Grade. I witnessed an act, a father shouldn't do to his children. But I didn't know that before I witnessed it, it has been his habitual deed. Then the dark days fell upon my family. Starting there, I acquired a psychological trauma. I started.. being distant and cautious around him, I didn't wear shorts, sleeveless and chest-revealing tops, I stopped talking in eye-to-eye and felt uncomfortable beside him. That fear or uncomfortableness got bigger and wider as I grew up …and extended towards all men. Highschool days slash teenage days, I was around 2nd year or 3rd year when my Nanay and Tatay got separated and had their new partners in life. We were left behind in our house, me and my siblings. That was our rough years of our lives. Living under one roof with traumas. During daytime, we struggle for everyday expenses like going to school—the fare and food cause when Tatay says everytime he'll give us 'baon' for like 5 pesos, 10 pesos he'll say, "What will we do? That's only my money."—in a pagalit way. But with all those, we always go to school everyday cause we have dreams to fulfill. In nighttime, we struggle for our fear of him. Me, my Ate Jeffie and Ate Jenet will always pray every night and always bring 'sundang' (a big knife) beside our bed… Later on, as my parents part ways, my Tatay left with his new partner and he didn't totally support our household finances and he didn't send us to school financially. He also said the most painful words that, "She's not my child", while pointing at me. It was all painful as he said those words infront of me. I've known and acknowledged him as my father inspite of all those things he said and done. Living with all those fears and traumas we still live life to the fullest. Instead of getting sad or being hopeless, we remain faithful, hopeful and accepting the fact that Nanay, Tatay and our family will never be the same again. As we graduated college, indeed it's "the best revenge of all those challenges and trials". As my age every year increases, my psychological trauma's still remains within me. When we discovered my father's illness got worst, people throw sharp words at us that "Balikbaliktarin man ang mundo, Tatay niyo pa rin siya". It's easier said than done. Well, despite him without asking for forgiveness, we still remain his children and forgive him. We tend and cares for him… And in the long run, the hate, anger and fear changed into sympathy. Sympathy for his new life wherein we saw how his life was ruined by his past actions. We saw how hard his new life is. All throughout our lives, there are so many "what ifs" came in our mind. Like.. "What if..he never did what he did?" "What if.. children can choose their parents?" And so many thoughts like, "Buti pa sila.." Buut thinking all those things we've experienced, that made us stronger and I'm thankful for those things—the sad, happy, fearful, successful and conquered happenings in our lives. Thank God! And now, I can say, "Tay, ginpapasaylo ka na namon. Ginhimu namon tanan para la masumpayan imo kinabuhi pero kay di man naton kaput an aton hinuram na kinabuhi. Kaya Tay, pahuway na dayon. Di ka na makakafeel kasakitan kun hain ka man yana. Nawa'y gabayan ka san aton makagarahum na Amay san imo paglakaton. Till we meet again. "

And now, I can tell… Time really heals every wound in God's will and timing. 🥹😭🙏🏼

PS: still overcoming the trauma, but in God's will .. it'll be healed.

[myafterlifeisbetterthenyours]

Merry Christmas Darling~

Alastor

"My my my, and what might this be?"

"A present? A present for wh-"

...

"Darling, you should have told me we were doing presents. Now I need to go out and get you something."

"No my dear, I do, it'd be dreadfully rude of me not to return such an act of-"

"Well No, I dont want to leave you but I have an image to keep and-"

"Of course it's not about my image... yes darling, of course I want to spend the day with you, but-"

"Yes darling, of course I'll stay with you."

Angel Dust

"Oh babe, you didn't need to get me anything, you gave me more then enough last night~"

"Buut since you went through all the trouble to get me somethin'~ what'cha get me?"

"Oh babe, how did you even get this? It's beautiful!"

"Hmm~ I think I'll go try this on right now. You wait right there~"

...

"Whaddaya think, Sexy huh?"

"Weeell since you didn't tell me we was doin presents, It seems I don't have nothin for you~"

...

"So I could run out and grab you some two bit shit that they sell on only the holy'est of days.

"Or, hows'a'bout I slip out of your beautiful present and give you somethin I know your gonna love?"

"Mmm, I thought you'd like that idea~"

"Merry Christmas Baby~"

Blitzø

"Oh babe this is so sweet thank-"

"Oh shit! I totally forgot! Oh fuck! Um, wait here, I'll go get you something."

"How could I fuckin forget!?"

"No, it's not alright. You got me something and I didn't get you-"

...

"No I don't wanna leave, especially today, but you got me something and I want you to have something as well."

...

"Unless... maybe you'd like to spend Christmas in bed~"

"Hmm... Well, I suppose I could get you something later~"

Stolas

"Oh... a present. For me?"

"B-but I didn't get you anything."

"What do you mean that's fine?"

"Y-you mean I don't... I don't have get you anything?"

...

"So you just... you just got me something, because?"

"No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No darling I'm not upset, I'm just so... so happy. No ones ever really, just... done something for me."

"Thank you so much, I love you darling~"

Stella

"Hmm, what's this?"

"A present? What for?"

"Christmas? Oh don't tell you celebrate that sinner nonsense."

...

"Oh, darling I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that it's just, well, demons don't celebrate things like "christ"-mas."

Oh but where are my manners, youve gone out and gotten me a present and I haven't even opened it."

"Oh darling, It's beautiful! How did you know I've been wanting one of these?"

"Oh har-har."

"So perhaps I'm not a subtle as I thought, but still, its amazing."

"Thank you darling~"

"Hmm, well I may not celebrate such 'saintly' holidays. Buuut~ I am quite adept at knowing how to reward my beloved~"

"So how's about it darling~ shall we take this to the bedroom?"

Lucifer

"OH! A present, for me? Darling you shouldn't have."

"Hmm, well thank you. But what's the occasion?"

...

...

...

"Did you... Did you get me a present to celebrate Christ's birthday?"

"Well how am I supposed to say it without it sounding stupid?"

...

"I'm sorry darling, I didn't mean to upset you, but you understand what I mean, it's not exactly a happy day for me."

"No your right darling, I'm sorry. Thank you for the present."

"Oooh what's this?"

...

"Darling... is this a mistletoe belt buckle?"

...

"No I'd didn't say that. No, I didn't say I dint like it, it's just... I never thought you to be so forwards."

"What? Now? You want me to put it on now?"

"I mean, im not apposed to the idea but wouldn't you rather we do this in the bedroom?"

"Oh?!... well then, why don't we have a little fun then~"

Merry Christmas, and I can't believe no one has commented on my stolas Icon now having a Christmas hat.

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Oh shoot mb for this long ass novel of a post... not only went into a complete tangent I was also preeeeetty high up until recently. Well. Not recent. I am still high buut I think it's been 4 hours since and usually around this time aint too fussy. But yeh uh I have a bad habit of oveeexplaining when high... as you can see 💀💀💀

But yeah this is about 3 hours of high explaining why I'm taking a break from my normal trip report format so shits a wall o text

Atp.. I'm temporarily abandoning my typical format as the shit gets worse/more emotionally driven I either forget to write it all out or just plain don't want to. And I mean. This shit is for me. What would be the point of stressing a specific way of documenting the shit you know? Can just. Switch. And keep it moving. Not like it bothers me fr fr

Uh but. Since my last entry I think I've had a combined mid 3k rangeish of dph. Not toooo bad given my track record but still I know it's only been a few days since my last proper entry not the best either

Currently off a 450 dose so my saltiness won't be too obvious + I'll be to high to get too too upset about whatever other bs comes alone tonight. I'd take more but I'm saving a 200 for the ride home and I end up taking entirely too much on the ride here so I gotta be kinda conservative with my doses now 🥲

Lots of stuff at once. Lots. I don't even know where to begin as far as what's been on my mind. Just so much.. recently I've been crying pretty much every night. Some of it cause of one specific thing I'm thinking on and others just out of pure overwhelment. I'm guessing within the last like.. monthish and a half the longest I've gone w/o has been 4 days

It's annoying to hide tbh as I've been doing it more I've also been more confident in my ability to hide it meaninggg more tears/reaction. Still not horrible horrible but I have a hard time stopping til I'm tired tired so it usually equals a loooooong ass time sobbing or wanting to escalate it further and shaking from how hard I have to stifle myself. I even cried on this trip actually. Me and my mom shared a bed cause a cousin spent a night in the hotel and not thinking of how light of a sleeper she is I accidentally woke her up a few times from how hard I was shaking. I felt so bad oml I hope to god she was still mostly in sleep mode 🙃

Uh anyway. This is really random but I made this post cause today I was so tempted to steal a cig. I don't even smoke em I just was so curious about the risk there. And it made me feel weird.

My whole family smokes. Seriously like, my dad smokes, my mom smokes on and off, my grandma, aunt AND uncle and my moms side of the family?? Pfft. So it's been easy for me to try if I ever really wanted to. Not that they encourage it or anything. I know they'd be pissed. But I'm sure if I timed it right I coulda beeen tried. But now like I genuinely wanted it fr fr. Only reason I changed my mind is cause they wear too close and I ain't wanna risk it and have them look deeper into that

Speaking of family reminded me of R. God. I wish I could back already. I called her a few diff times and she didn't pick up. That's fine ofc bit it's like.. I dunno how to describe it. It feels like she's distancing herself again and I feel like it was my fault for being too predictable. If I had kept phone calls to few and far between she woulda seen it as special and prolly would answer. Bit nah since my dumbass decided to be greedy my calls mean nothing mostly and she'll just ignore whenever

I miss her so much. I hate that I know she's probably sad and lonely and fucking herself up mixing and redosing on shit that shouldn't be. I hate that I let it become routine. It's too much pressure for her rn. I shoulda let her come to me when she was okay to. It would've helped a lot more. But my dumbass introduced the stress of routine and made her feel bad for sometimes not being in the mood. I know she's prolly feeling guilty too. It breaks my heart bruh

I miss knowing what all she took and helping where I could. I wish I could go back. She has enough to stress on as is. I hate that she's pushing me away again. Not knowing specifics makes me so nervous. She barely even answers texts at this point. She had some health shit going on and I ofc thought okay well it doesn't need to be some long ass convo to be otp ima just ask and check in or her. But I'm still in the dark. We don't call everyday anymore, she's hiding all her health shit going on cause of her pill concoctions, and I can tell something's on her mind. I'd assume something bigger from how hard she's tryna shield it

I tried everything atp I don't know how to get her back. Im so scared and I don't want her suffering in silence because I got too overbearing. She's probably so fucking annoyed by me

I hate her partner. Full heartedly atp. I get it. Sometimes you say stupid shit and I know my bsf has done the same. But ghosting her through all this. Letting her beg you to just talk to you. Fucking dragging out a fight knowing damn well how destructive R is. She demands so much from R and what has she changed in returm? What has she done for R??

Want more time with her? Done. Dropped me within the week

Want to move in together? R's working damn near 7 days a week and tryna either have two jobs or aome side shit just for more to save

Don't like lip piercings? R won't get em even though she seems interested

Want to see her irl more? Before yall pressed pressed about moving in she was planning on not only going for her birthday but her partners too AND possibly Thanksgiving and Christmas.

And what as she changed in exchange??? I HEAR THE SAME OLD SHIT WVEYTIME YALL FIGHT BRUH

Honestly. Fuck that. I don't even care about specifics. Even if she did change all that shit, I'd still hate her for ignoring her for this long and being nothing but cold knowing it hurts. So manipulative. Why would you go out your way to hurt your partner if you do really love them? She has and had sooo many opportunities to speak her mind and move through this but nah nah let's just let my fucking pride keep us apart.

R deserves so much better. I wish they never met. I can't believe she still gets the short end of the stick even when she's proven over and over again she would do literally whatever for you. Literally in so much pain just from not getting to fix things. I hate it so much. She doesnt realize how much her effort is worth. Its so sad like. She could find sooo many people that would reciprocate all that love and care and some off how loyal and selfless she is ALONE but she had ti get stuck with the one dumbass that can't see her worth

She is so fucking stupid. Utterly and completely. There is literally no situation where she'd be in the right for doing this atp. None.

That's not really all but.. ranting about their relationship shit is never completely satisfying. I'd go on forever not thinking nothing of it sigh

I wish I could call her tomorrow. I know she ain't doing too great but I could take her mind off shit for a little. Plus I know I can usually tell if somethings bothering her. I hate that I'm just. Here.

And I miss her background noise. I'm so used to talking shit with her brothers with R dying and tryna join. Or her twin yelling over THEEE most bland games ever. Or hearing all the outlandish but tbh sensical shit she be lecturing R on

I miss her in general. I love discovering new songs from listening to the music she got blaring from her computer, 9 times out of 10, Juice WRLD songs 😭

Btuh and all we'd be quiet doing our thing then she'll bust out with the Outlandish junk just cause

The rare but nonetheless 10/10 days where we talk for hours and hours til we either HAVE to go or one of us fall asleep mid way through whatever long ass story either of us end up telling. Its so cute cause like. Course I think everyone has a sleepy voice but she used to have the most random sleeping habits. And plus even once she did sleep, she'd mute usually. But it makes me feel good that she trusts me enough to like.. not think to hide it? I'm sure she'd probably be self conscious about it after the fact but I mean. At least for the time she was comfortable so I be cheesing cheesing

And her voice is constantly on my mind. I sometimes ask questions or annoy her just to hear her. Plus like I dunno. I've grown to associate her voice with comfort so just listening to her talking ahit about some random 12 y/o o when she play bloxfuits is enough for me to gave a good time. Plus she got about a billion diff voices for specific junk and those are always fun to learn.

Ah sorry I didn't realize how off track I got bruh rip. Point is I miss her and I'm so worried about her but I feel trapped as if I try tooooo often she'll be used to ignoring my calls. Plus if I only text there's a possibility she'll either be sleep or will just ignore

Sigh. I wish I could fix everything for her. She doesn't deserve all this nonsense