#buti have work:(
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ok somehow no one told me there were more episodes of tfe??? maybe there is a god
#my art#tfe#RAAAAHHHHHHH I LOVE THIS SHOW#its so fucking cute....#tfe bumblebee#tfe thrash#tfe twitch#maccadam#HRRRGHHGH#i was gonna fully color this buti have to go to work and i am tired
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it's so fucked up that ur entire life going forward can be irreversibly changed by like. Anyone. like it's so fucking stupid that like yeah my brain will just never operate the same ever again because like ^-^ a fucking flowey undertale kinnie from instagram dot com decided to do Unspeakable and Vile things to me for two and a half years. incredibly embarassing.every day i wonder about the person i would have grown up to be if that didnt happen. i am infuriated day after day because she got to just. continue to live after killing who i was. time goes on while i am continuously stagnant. it's like im trapped in a lead box.if i ever see her again i'll be ripping her limb from limb 😋
#txt#sorry had to get this out there. ive been having a Very Normal One as of late.i should make some art abt this#buti have too many things going on between school and work and everything. so it festers. oh how it festers
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When you're writing an essay and the Tumblr app reloads and deletes half of it so now it's never getting done because your motivation is completely shot and you already spent an hours worth of spoons you didn't have on it :)
It's incredibly upsetting and exhausting
This has happened to my last three essays. at this point my writing motivation is shot. I can't do it anymore. Idk when I'll get back to writing essays but writing a bunch of stuff only for it to disappear genuinely takes so much outta me.
Sorry.
#I'm really sorry I was like ten seconds from posting the George essay but then it deleted#and I genuinely don't have it in me to write it again#im already frustrated#so it's not happening#and I probably won't come back to it#srry#I'm pissed too#buti have so much other work to do#I don't have the time or the spoons to rewrite that whole thing#this happens so often#and it's very upsetting#that's why I haven't been posting lately#I'm probably gonna be off for the rest of the day#bye
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I'm tweaking right now
#on cash at work w 3 newer people#one girl its her very firs day#the other 2 have veen here a little.bit hut theyre still kinda#slow with work or dont know stuff Which is fine.. theyre all nice.. its jsut im the only one cashiering thats like. beenhere a while#and im.bad w nrw people#AND NEITHER OF THE ACTUAK MANAGERS THAT SRE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE ARE HERE.#No one is on dining room OR dishes This building is gojng to explode. i wanna be on dish id even do dish dining buti cant bc i cant leave#cashier unless the fucking Managers thay sre Supposed to be here get here#and irs only 9:30 am rn andis alreayd soooooo#bad#not even lunch rush time#and its a saturday#So it will probably be very busy#ANDI GAVE CRAMPS.#the freakng managers beter be here when i get back from break bruh
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some choice fits from todays dress to impress with averi
#dress to impress#the male model does not have very many fit choices buti make it work like a fucking champ
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from a study. crzy how just Sitting and Working. will give u an a-hah moment
#ignore my handwriting#just got sick of having to open the text function#literally sat and stared and went#it can not be that easy. you can not be serious.#maybe working on things and going “i Hate this.” by the sketch phase is like kinda not good for anything.#and i sshould probably not quit when i hate something either buttttttttt.......... man i started doing that years ago give me time okok....#this ones for me and i think ive said this buti trea t this account like a dumping ground so#just a poke at me going. just . Stop looking for a while maybe. just. likeeeeee go and sit for a while idk#doodles of the spine
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btw i tihnk i shall b liveblogging the nintendo direct (at least when it comes to stuff i am interested FDDHDF) so uuhh. ya 👍🏽
#tell me about pikmin 4 and tears of the kingdom nintendo...... tell me more i want to know abt themmm#also im less invested in this now that i have citra working but a tomodachi life sequel mayhaps... ik its not happening buti can dream....#flappy watches the nintendo direct#<-block that if ur not a gamer u have 8 minutes#flappy rambles
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In other news I've still been sleeping with my christmas lights on ever since my brother died. I had little strip lights I'd keep on anyway for aesthetic reasons but like... now i can't sleep in the dark at all. It's embarrassing. He's been dead for 2 months.
And I've been thinking about how I haven't lived with my ioldest brother in years because he movedout first and now I have no idea what to get him for Christmas other than some shitty gift card because I have no idea what he's like anymore and it sucks. How do you go from growing up with someone to not knowing a thing about him?
#vent#i dont ever wantto go back to the old house#buti miss us all being togwther#i miss my brother and my grandma#im trying not to have a mwltdown since im at work rn but its hard
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god forgive me for being a freak on the freak site, but I wish my first girlfriend had left me a mark. not a love bite but a scar, taken her hunting knife to my gut. I wish I could press my fingers to it and still feel an ache. show it to future partners and ask if they would leave me one too, a measure of time and love.
#i actually still really hate my first girlfriend tbh buti mean all of this#anyways don't trust ANYONE from Ohio is thelesson here#possibly have a knife kink?#idk we'll explore that some other time#i gotta go im at work#bloody teeth
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uninstalled all the dating apps which ws like 8nof them . in the morning ill tell the guys i was talking to that i overestimared how ready i was and hopefully theyll understand andnjust drop it
#i dont feel stable enough for like . any relationship platonic or romantic andnit fucking..rly sucks bc i want to have friends but like#with what happened with daj the other day im like. i dont think i can be like . idk. ik daj said it was ok and she understood but im so#upset that i lashed iut abt that and i keep trying to get into therapy but i fucking..cant find one. at all#im trying to be more reasonable witj mymoney and i know like. i need therapy bc i Need to work this out and i am not able to work it out#with myself. i need to see a professional abt this . so ik it wouldnt be frivolous to spend money on a therapist if i cant find one in#network. bc the in network thrapists dont accept/dont specialize in working with patients with bpd which i like. thats..my issue. im almost#posiitive. ive done a lot of research and it matches up with like . all of my experiences#ik everybody feels unstable after a breakup buti genuinely like. i dont feel whole. and im looking back on how i treated myself and thiught#abt the relationship and its like. i stopped talking to all my friends i stopped talking to my family i literally dropped out of school i#moved across the country i dropped any interest that we didnt share i literally like. i gave up fucking everything and thats not. healthy.#and he never aksed me for that and its not fair of me to resent him for me doing that bc he nevrr asked me to#but i feel like. everytime i think abt him it feels like im being torn in half like . i put him on so incredibly high of a pedestal i#literally thought of him as perfect that was..recurring. and when i was upset with him i took it out on myself horrifically and thats not#normal . and jow thinking abt him literally physucally hurts bc theres still that part of me that thinks hes perfect and that im a mistake#and a failure and i didnt Be connor right. and then theres a part of me that . doesnt think of him that way#and its just like. aughhf. even outside that relationship im looking back on past friendships and how like..obsessive i get with them#and then when they 'betray' me i just. immediately turn on them and like. thats not normal..#and my sense of identity is um. Well you guys have seen. you know.#ive looked into it a lot and i rly think i have it and im not like. 100% positive but i feel like even if i dont itd be good to work with a#therapist who Has experience with that. since the experience is so similar. yk. idk#i just feel insane and i feel like bod would make like. so much of my life and the way i act and the way i react to things like..it makes#sense when i look at it as if i have bpd. and if i dont it literally seems completely irrational and erratic like. IDK. so basically i need#a therapist who can work with that but none of the ones in network specialize in that and then i was researching and found out a lot of#therapists specifically Dont work with bpd patients and like. judge their peers who do for woriing with bod#which is 1. Actually disgusting 2. Straight up stupid 3. Terrifying. so i only want to work with a therapist whi explicitely says I#specialize and work with patients with bpd 👍 but i literally could only find 1 and theyre out of network and its 15p for visit and id#prefer to do weekly visits if possible but thats . 300 per paycheck for therapy . biweekly itd be better but thats still 150. and i have to#save up for the trip home and then the new apartment immediately after#and i have to get credit card .#and in an ideal world id hold off on the therapist until i get my new apartment so that i can fully focus on coping with myself and learnin
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thisclose to shaving myhead
#oops im rambling#so i cant drive myself to the hair store toget the stuff i need#and i dont have the right products#so when i do my hair i do more work#to try and get it a certain a ay#way#and it wont stay that way long enough#so every day i. must do it#and i hate this so much#maybe ill just buy the stuff online. actually .#like i dont want to spend 5 hrs doing my hair every day#buti dont want to shave my head either :(
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I started picking at a fic that dgocs says I haven't touched since Jan. I'm a bit torn about whether to just post the beginning as a standalone fic or to try a make something larger out of it. I have about 9k words in total on this project and if I go for a full fic it may end up in the 15-20k range. but I'm not totally convinced the longer version is better or more interesting. but hmm I actually was enjoying g reading through the bits I had already written so maybe it's not a big slog of a fic after all.
basically I am torn between the instant self gratification of the shorter version versus all the time and effort it would take to stitch all the other bits into a cohesive fic.
#who am i kidding i will probably try to make the longer version work#i technically could post the short one and then choose to add to it later#but also i can't#because if i went with the shorter one i would include a short epilogue#i know i know#i could post the short version with epilogue and just add to the verse in additional fics#buti would still have to decide what strategy i'm using before i can post anything#adventures in writing
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Oh would that I could jump forward in time...to the day...the da y that my package........my package will be here
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#.txt#my photography#photography#these were meant to have the same energy as skinamarink#not sure if that worked buti think they still turned out cool!
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okay. time to stop myself from posting tjings that i shouldnt post on a blog that all of mu friends look at
#IM KILLING MYSELF💥💥💥#so mad bc I KNOW IM JUST.SELF SABOTAGING OR WHATEVER.#but i swear to god hes doing it on purpose just to make me mad#does he wantme to fucking.kill myself btw#its been like 8 hours since ive eaten just because ive been too busy being mad ag him#why does he like everyone else more than me what do they all have yhat i dont#literally what do i have to do to be his gavorite#and be would be a horrinle boyfriend and so woild i and it WOULD NEVER FUCKING WORK#buti lovehim so much its physically painful#this is why i need to go back to feeling no romantic attraction at all#BECAUSE I GO FUCKING JNSANE WHEN IM LIKE TJIS#literally if any of my friends see this im ending it all#sorry guys i will be normal now#personal#💭
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it's over for me im serious
#Bro i foegot the fs2 annoucnekmt was even lasg night I NEBER FORGET#so i woke ip for work and immeiyaley saw this unexpectedly and started getting heart palpitations#im trying to be as nirmal as posible bc i have to go work a 8.5 hour shift literally right now#BUTI CANT I CANTBE NORMAL. R U SEEING THIS SHIT IM GONNA PAS S OUT ANS THROW UP😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and the unbloomed outtonight oh my god Breathing in and out of a paper bag
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