#but. that puts solaris at rock bottom. ROCK bottom. NOTHING.

[the-valiant-valkyrie]

i feel like there's something so beautifully, terribly, ironically unfair about the contrast between prism and solaris.

incredibly talented women, both swayed by the power and resources zoraxis could provide for them. both so desperate to develop their separate technologies they were willing to be swayed to the side of a backstabbing corporate overlord- despite not even liking them. undoubtedly risking their lives for the sake of their technology- knowingly or otherwise.

having the project they loved so much ripped out of their hands. watching sheets of metal and bolts and rivets so lovingly fastened come undone in the blink of a flaming, volatile second. watching a little piece of you get torn apart and die, and knowing good and well that you should have died with it.

prism wanted a legacy. something that could surpass her- live on for a lifetime after her... and even after the robot agent project failed, she still got that, in the end. because she had it all along, and she just failed to realize it.

but solaris' dream was to propagate laser technology. it was a goal she could not reach without zoraxis' assistance. she wanted to push the boundaries of the potential of her craft. and she did. the death engine was- according to the agency- one of zoraxis' most lethal inventions. it was solaris' crowning achievement. decades- or perhaps even centuries ahead of the current scientific standard.

and phoenix destroyed it in under ten minutes. and she will never get that back. her ties with zoraxis- as far as we know- are cut. her reputation is probably badly damaged after her public association with the company. she will probably never be exposed to the proper conditions to build anything even technologically close to the death engine ever again.

the culmination of her life's work was ripped away from her, and where prism was left with introspection, solaris was left with nothing.

[worthyofluv]

Emotions

I’ve always been a sensitive soul and felt things deeply, but growing up in a Caribbean household, expressing emotions wasn’t the norm. There was love, but not in ways that I resonated with. There were no family congregations like in the TV sitcoms, hugs or even moments of vulnerability. The words “I love you” would mostly be expressed via birthday or Christmas cards, and a safe space to vocalize my day to day challenges as a young human navigating this complicated thing called life was nonexistent. Consequently, I suppressed everything. I became non expressive until i’d reach a breaking point resulting in an explosion. I felt alone, confused, and disconnected from everything and everyone. I was living out of alignment because I didn’t have a point of reference to demonstrate what healthy expression looked like. Unconsciously, I had made an agreement with myself to keep it all in so that I wouldn’t appear crazy or needy. I had no voice. So, at the tender age of 12, my solution was to seek love and acceptance in ALL the wrong places. And by the age of 18, I’d indulge in weed and alcohol as a numbing tactic.

But it didn’t work.

“So what if I’m a mess? I’d rather be a mess than be in resistance to it.” 

-Divine

Eventually, I reached a place where I felt so uneasy within myself. The emotions I was carrying felt so heavy, and so complex. When the weed no longer suppressed my demons, I knew a change needed to happen. But I wouldn’t invite that change on my own. I needed motivation. I needed a push, for lack of a better word. The push to better understand and express my emotions was a horrific heartbreak that left me feeling so alone, so confused and so disconnected from everything and everyone (sound familiar?) What I didn’t realize at the time was that this situation was actually the catalyst to my rebirth.I felt so much shame, unworthiness and defeat by the people who were supposed to love me. But i get it now. Sometimes in order for us to move and make a change, we have to be pissed the fuck off; we have to reach a point where we can no longer survive with the same mindset that lead us to this place.

This was my rock bottom.

Expressing our emotions is not a sign of weakness but instead a sign of strength

What I’ve discovered along my journey is that our emotions play an important role in our lives. They are our teachers. I am learning to see my emotions not as a hindrance, but rather a tool to get more into alignment with myself, thus get more into alignment with God consciousness. Difficult emotions tell me that something is wrong, whether it be my own thoughts that create this feeling, or my environment or even circumstances. Regardless of the root of the negative feeling, the emotion is signaling for me to make a change. According to manifestation coach, Abraham Hicks, our emotions are a physical manifestation of whether we are in alignment or not. When we feel good, this is a physical manifestation of being in alignment with our soul self. Negative emotions, however, are a sign that we have strayed away from the truth of who we are.

“Let your pain propel you into your purpose” – Solaris the hii priestess

The “normal” reaction to heavy or difficult emotions is to hurry up and do something to counter that negative feeling. We get our hearts broken and rush to pursue another partner. We lose our job and immediately put ourselves out there to find a replacement. We feel sad, so we go out turn up and numb everything to avoid feeling. We completely skip the grieving process (oh, and it is a process) and move on with life as if these events don’t impact us in every way imaginable.

We can also trick ourselves into thinking that we are healing with spirituality and self-care rituals. So, we overly immerse ourselves in books, yoga, massages, traveling, juicing or any other “healing” activity that promises us freedom. Though these activities are extremely helpful for healing and coping, it is absolutely possible that we’d use them as another form of escapism. Or in laymen terms, another way to avoid actually sitting with our feelings.

When we give ourselves permission to feel our feelings, we are letting go of old patterns, beliefs, and ideas of how life should be and creating space for new and better experiences. It’s uncomfortable because our identities, our perceptions, and our entire world view is being challenged. But despite navigating emotions being hard work and often feeling depleting, it’s important to our evolution; it’s our soul communicating with us about what feels authentic and what feels inauthentic in our lives.

I’m really beginning to comprehend that the only way out is through. One cannot stretch it away, read it away, sex it away, or drink it away. (Solange be knowin) The only way to truly understand our emotions is to sit with them. To sit with the achy feeling and investigate the root of our hurt, which many times derived in childhood.

Emotions = Energy in motion

Our emotions serve as a compass which leads us in the direction of fulfillment, but they are not all that we are. Uncomfortable emotions are not fact nor do the define us. When difficult emotions come up, it’s important that we remember that we always have a choice of what to do with them. That might be journaling, that might crying, or leaning into our creative endeavors. That might be movement, solitude or doing absolutely nothing. What has helped me is to not only acknowledge my emotions and see them as valid, but to also use my emotions as fuel in ways that are progressive rather than destructive. And when all else fails, I find comfort and solace by coming into the present moment.

 Gratitude

When we engage all of our senses and observe where we are, how we feel, and what we see, we find that gratitude comes naturally. Gratitude for our life, for our health, for the trees, or even for those hurtful experiences that make us wiser. A little gratitude goes a long way. And when we become fully engulfed in the present moment, we realize that everything that has happened in the past no longer exists and that the future has yet to come. It is in the present moment that we see that even though pain is a byproduct of our human experience, suffering is a choice. Accepting and surrendering to life as it is is a porcess.Sometimes a process that we have to revisit over and over and over again until enough time has passed for the pain to subside.It isn’t always love and light, allot of the time it feels messy and painful.

But that’s ok. 

“Pain is what it took to teach me to pay attention. In times of pain, when the future is too terrifying to contemplate and the past is too painful to remember, I have learned to pay attention to right now. The precise moment I was in was always the only safe place for me. Each moment, taken alone, was always bearable. In the exact now, we are all, always, alright. Yesterday the marriage may have ended. Tomorrow the cat may die. The phone call from the lover, for all my waiting, may not ever come, but just at the moment, just now, that’s all right. I am breathing in and out. Realizing this, I began to realize that each moment was not without it’s beauty.” -Julia Cameron

The work is in embracing our feelings, seeing them as valid, investiagting what they may be teaching us and letting it all go to create space to let happiness in.Pain is not meant to be hoarded, its purpose is to guide us in the direction of self preservation and self evolution.

-Divine