#but you want me to bond with people who actively exclude me. I’ll be professional but I’m not trying that

[deancoded-deangirl]

so like my job is opening shops right and they send two of us at a time and my coworker was like “I’m not driving; Jackie you’re driving” and I was like “okayyyy but I get to pick the music” because every other opening I’ve done, my music gets shot down like we don’t even play any songs i like, and he was like, “if you do, I’m not talking to you” and so of course i was a little hurt by that and didn’t say anything and just put my head down at work and he comes up to me and is like “you know I was kidding right” and like. yeah I guess but I doubt it. i think he just felt bad and so I was like omg it’s not that serious idc

[oidheadh-con-culainn]

oh no accidentally made myself sad about how i'll never have an irl group of friends because

fatigue and pain and food disabilities mean i often have to bail on socialising and people are rarely willing to adapt to things that are accessible to me so it's hard to be part of a group and

it's really fucking hard to make friends as an adult especially when, as mentioned, a lot of socialising is actively inaccessible and

i know virtually nobody in this city or even this country because we've been in lockdown the whole time i've lived here and if covid vanished tomorrow my social life wouldn't improve because how do you meet people and

i've never felt like i've been part of a group, i've always been the hanger-on on the periphery who doesn't get invited to stuff or if they do, doesn't come and

do you know how isolating it is not to be able to share food with people? do you know how much people rely on food as a shortcut to social bonding? it is so fucking alienating always to be excluded, always to be aware that you're different, always to be inconvenient, always to be unable to participate in social rituals and

sometimes i think there's a specific trauma that comes from food disabilities and the idea that to live with someone, to share my kitchen, i'd have to open myself up to the risk of them poisoning me, and how difficult it is to trust other people instead of washing every single item before you touch it, and how sometimes i just fucking want someone to make me dinner so i don't have to do it but i also literally don't trust anybody to cook for me if i'm not watching them and if i didn't buy the food myself and that kind of paranoia is fucking exhausting and i can't even order a takeaway and i'm so tired!!! all the time!!! and

this was meant to be about friend groups because i'm lonely as fuck and i've been watching the good place which is all about the importance of those interpersonal bonds but it got away from me because i've been feeling a whole kind of way about which of my disabilities prevent me from participating in social events and it is not the physical pain and mobility issues, it's the food allergies and restricted diet, and i don't think that gets ... taken seriously? as something that is actually profoundly isolating and alienating and, yeah, traumatising to experience the constant exclusion in social and professional settings and

i literally had to just let myself get poisoned by going to a christmas meal at my old job because it was considered rude not to attend and then the day off i took afterwards because it made me sick was part of why HR had a go at me two months later for taking too much time off and

the one relief of covid is that nobody has asked me to go to a restaurant or a cafe but i'm terrified that once it's allowed there'll be more pressure than before because people have missed it and

our lecturers etc keep talking about all the wine-based events or pub trips they usually have to celebrate the end of the year but i can't drink so it feels like i'll never be able to participate in non-pandemic academia and

if i turn down those invitations post-pandemic then i won't ever be part of the friend groups because why would they bother if i can't do the things they want to do and

it feels fucking BAD, man

and all of this hit at barely midnight which is way too early for this kind of crisis

[eldritchsurveys]

210.

1. Do you ever give things away to your friends? >> I mean, I would...

2. Does it make you uncomfortable when your parents talk about finding people attractive? If your parents don’t make comments like that, what sort of things can your family members say that do make you feel uncomfortable? >> ---

3. Have you ever heard of an “alternative spring break”? Have you ever participated in one or known someone who has? >> Oh, yeah, when I was going to the New Alternatives drop-in center... during Spring Break times there’d often be these college kids that would come in and volunteer for us for an alternative spring break instead of going to Cancun or whatever. I remember us going to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens with one of those groups of college kids, and I think the Natural History museum, and an art museum but I can’t remember which one (MoMA, probably).

4. Is there anyone’s friendship or relationship, in particular, that makes you jealous? >> Yeah. I think I’m just envious of being able to be emotionally close to someone, in general. I feel robbed because I ended up with such shit attachment problems. It’s not their relationship I envy, it’s their ability to, like... be that kind of person to their partner. IDK.

5. Do you feel a sense of community among the Tumblr survey-takers? If not, is it because you’re not interested in that sort of thing or is because you feel excluded for some reason? >> I don’t really know any of the tumblr survey-takers. D: I remember people like Lane from Xanga, so I still keep up with their lives like some kind of creepy one-sided friendship lmfao. (I watched a YouTube video that says this sort of thing is apparently called a “parasocial relationship”.) I don’t really know how to interact with other survey-takers, though, so I just end up knowing a bunch of random things about people without really... knowing them. Or without them knowing me. Trippy.

6. How often do you think about what guys will think of you? >> It’s a reflexive thought process sometimes because of learned social bullshit, but I don’t actually care.

7. Have you ever made a friendship pact with someone, where you pricked your fingers and became blood-bonded? If not, have you ever made any sort of friendship pact? >> No.

8. If you are on birth control that allows you take pills and skip your period, how often do you opt to skip it? How come? >> Literally the only reason I take birth control is because the skip-your-period method of pill-taking exists. It’s a lesser-evil pact-- I get mild dysphoria in order to get rid of something that causes me greater dysphoria. I’ll take it.

9. Is there a book series where you loved the first book, but for some reason the other books in the series just didn’t measure up? >> I don’t think so.

10. If you are a registered voter or are considering registering for this upcoming election, do you know which statewide issues will be on the ballot this November? Can you list some and share which way you will be voting on them? >> This would have been more timely last year.

11. Have you ever been to Pride? If not, have you ever been to any sort of Slut Walk or other protest? >> I have been to (and in) NYC Pride.

12. Are there any stores/restaurants that you would like to shop/eat at, but there aren’t any located near enough to you? >> I can’t think of any off the top of my head.

13. If you are a part of a certain fandom or are a fan of a popular series/musician, is there a rivalry between your fandom and another one (e.g., Lady Gaga fans vs. Katy Perry fans or Marvel vs. DC)? >> I think there are various rivalries in the fandoms I’m in, but I don’t pay attention to them. That’s not my area of interest.

14. How many people would you say you are close with? Who are they? >> :T ...Inworlders! Yep.

15. Do you ever have smell hallucinations? >> I don’t think so. 

16. If you were told by a professional that you were unable to become pregnant, how would that affect you? Is there something important to you about conceiving a biological child rather than adoption? And finally, if you even want to have children, would you choose adoption or surrogacy or would you go on childless? >> It wouldn’t affect me one way or the other, because my lack of sexual activity means I can’t get pregnant regardless. I’d much rather my reproductive organs shrivel up and fall out of my body one day so I never have to deal with them again, that’d be the ideal. Not being able to get pregnant but still getting a period is like some kind of cruel fucking joke-- if I can’t get pregnant then why does this literal hell still happen every month???? Fucking bodies. Anyway, I don’t care if I never get to raise a child, really. It’s not a priority. In fact, I’m willing to bet I’m better off without doing so.

17. Is there something that you did not used to take seriously, that you either now take seriously or wish that you had in the past (e.g., a relationship that you miss, your education, etc.)? >> I wish I’d taken my drug usage more seriously instead of thinking I was invincible just because I’d been extremely lucky. Maybe I could still enjoy drugs on occasion instead of now going todash every time I so much as eat an edible.

18. Are there any subjects that you are interested in so much that you would read whole books or academic journals about them? >> Whole books, of course, depending on the writer... academic journals tend to be too jargon-heavy for me.

19. Are you physically affectionate with your friends? >> No.

20. When you were in middle school and high school, did you witness a lot of bullying? How did the teachers react to name-calling or violence? >> Not so much outright bullying as just... the less obvious kind of social exclusion and us-vs-them-ing. You know, getting ready for adulthood. :|

21. If there is a specific celebrity (or two, or three!) that you dislike, is it because of petty reasons or is it because they’ve done something absolutely damning in your mind? >> I just don’t like Russell Crowe. It used to be a joke when I lived with Vlad-and-Company because I didn’t have a good reason or anything, I just would yell “FUCK RUSSELL CROWE” any time he was brought up. I don’t know what annoys me so badly about him, but I like to be hyperbolic about it. And I don’t like Johnny Depp anymore, because he just got over-cast and over-hyped and then all the abuse stuff came out and I was like “well that was expected but it really does put the last nail in his coffin lmao”. But most actors I’m pretty apathetic about.

22. Are any of your friends/relatives actually impressive artists or writers? Are you willing to share an example of their work? >> I know a variety of impressive (to me) artists and writers here on tumblr. I’m not just going to randomly put their work in a survey answer with no context or anything, though, that feels weird.

23. When it comes to relationships/crushes, are you more often the pursued or the pursuer? >> ---

24. Do you have anyone’s tweets sent directly to your phone? Whose? >> No. LOL I think Sparrow does that with Hozier.

25. Do you ever find yourself making negative comments about other people’s appearances, whether it’s people you dislike or even just people on tv? >> Yeah, sometimes. It’s a dumb learned behaviour that I got sick of a while ago and stopped doing nearly as much as most people, but I haven’t completely unlearned it.

[orangedodge]

What’s the least toxic relationship Kitty has been in?

Well, the short and obvious answer isShan. Just look at her! She’s perfect. They’re perfect. Shan’s kids agree with me. These two just skip all of that dating and turmoil, get an apartment, and spend their miniseries essentially just already married to each other. Creator afterMarvel creator fails to see it though, and just throws Kitty backwith a revolving list of men named Peter, and leaves poor Shan all alone. SMH. SMH.

S.M. H.

Beyond that though, it ultimatelydepends on what you acknowledge as canon and what you choose toexclude. Kitty’s been around since the early 1980s, has appeared inthousands of comics written by dozens of people, each of whomhave had their own ideas for how the character should be written, andfor the most part have never spoken to one another. Outside of Shan,who, as noted above, is perfect, just about everyone has donesomething to Kitty (or had something done to them by Kitty), or has something else going on in the background,that would provide an unsettling undertone to any potentialrelationship, leaving a lot of material better off ignored orotherwise explained away.

For example, the Pete Wisdom/KittyPryde relationship, if you go by the known intent of Warren Ellis,has nothing particularly objectionable in it. After some initialpersonality clashes, which were more a dispute over professionalconduct than anything (he’s a cop at heart and a spy by trade, she’s a trained assassin trying to be a superhero–and it shows on both fronts), they get along fine. They’re supportive ofeach other, they spend a lot of time together and seem to genuinelyenjoy each others’ company, they take each others advice and rely oneach other for emotional and moral support when the rigors of their profession start to get to them. Kitty gets along withPete’s family, they each make an effort to get along with each others’friends. When the relationship falls apart in the later Ben Raab creative run, theypart relatively amicably, and remain supportive of one another evenyears later, and clearly still trust and value one another’s input.The main problem is Kitty’s age. She’s sixteen, and he’s in histhirties. That’s… a problem. Except, that’s not what Warren Ellisintended when he wrote Excalibur andthe Pryde & Wisdomminiseries—Ellis was writing a Kitty Pryde that wascomfortably in her twenties, and she wasn’t re-established as ateenager until after Ellis’ left. It’s like writing fanfic—yourstory isn’t really beholden to the stories other fans might writeyears later. It can stand on its own. And on it’s own, Kitty/Pete is fairly positive for a comic book romance. 

And then there’s Piotr Rasputin. Lord-y. To quickly summarize the worst of it: he dumped her days aftershe agreed to marry her kidnapper to save his life. She faked herdeath just so she could see if he would cry. She killed his sister.She pretended to be in love with him, so she could get close enoughto physically overpower him and force him to accept brain surgerythat she knew he did not want. He ambushed her boyfriend andtried to kill him with his bare hands. He left her to die alone in space(twice). He threatened to kill her kids if she didn’t date him, andthen set her on fire when she tried to stop him from killing themanyway. That’s all quite toxic! There is something that gets lost in allof that though: Marc Guggenheim thinks all of those things arestupid, and is pretending that none of it ever happened. As didKieron Gillen. And Joss Whedon. And Steve Seagal. And they kind ofhave a point. I mean, I’ll defend Jason Aaron and Warren Ellis, asthey were trying to deal with everything head on and just give itclosure, but a better idea may have just been to do what Seagal, andWhedon, and Gillen, and Guggenheim did, and just pretend it neverhappened in the first place. There’s not really an upside toacknowledging their years of mutual emotional abuse, after all, whenit actively ruins Piotr as a usable character. And if you ignore allof those issues, you’re left with the Kitty/Piotr relationship beingabout a pair of dumb kids who let things get too serious too young,backed off, and then (years later) bonded over shared personal traumaand started dating again.

Even with Illyana, who is Kitty’sliteral soulmate, you have to contend with the fact that Illyanawas raised (and abused) by Cat, who was a version of Kitty from analternate future. The same goes for Rachel, who by creator intent wasmeant to share a love with Kitty that crossed time and survived thedeath of universes—but it’s inescapable that Rachel was raised byWidget, who is another variation of Kitty. Illyana killed Cat, andWidget died for Rachel. How healthy is it, really, to be involvedwith someone who looks like your dead parent figure? Neither Illyananor Rachel seem to have problems separating Kitty from Cat and Kittyfrom Kate, but as readers there’s always going to be a serious squickfactor to deal with, and an air of “Damn it, Chris…”unless you just take the opportunity to brush over the earliermaterial, from before Chris Claremont’s (and Al Davis’) intentions towards thoserelationships seem to have solidified.

I can’t really say anything good aboutKitty/Peter Quill. They just gaslit each other for years, and turnedinto horrible people whenever they were around each other.  And BobbyDrake tried to kill her. Seth also tried to kill her, but he was atleast a villain.

The Peter Parker relationshipculminated in Kitty losing faith in humanity, burning her mother’shouse, and storming off to become a terrorist, so that one wasalso a wash.

Rigby Fallon was ultimately a pretext forKitty to force her current boyfriend to dump her. Doug Ramsey was a loveinterest but was never really officially in a relationship withKitty, being used more as a pretext for Piotr to become jealous over. Sarah Rushman was kind of a cute what-might-have-been, clearly teased, but then never referenced again. The same forKitty’s relationship with Ultimate Jessica Drew, which after years of winking and six issues of obvious buildup, would seemingly become a casualty of thepublishing house’s shameless cowardice.

The Jimmy Hudson/Kitty Pryderelationship was fairly unobjectionable. They were just two kids whogot bored and decided to date for a few weeks.

I’d say Kitty/Jimmy is probably theleast toxic overall, but of the major relationships I’d go withKitty/Pete Wisdom. As a self-contained Warren Ellis story, it doesn’treally include anything objectionable or unsettling. They both growas people (as opposed to regressing, like with Kitty/Quill andKitty/Bobby). That Kitty is an adult, within the Warren Ellis’universe, is totally unambiguous, and while there is a mild powerdisparity, it heavily favors the younger and less experienced party.And they remain a positive influence in each others’ lives yearsafter they break up.