#but you get the idea. danse sad cutler dead sad :(

[amazinglyegg]

"It's what I was taught... I don't know if it was right..."

Remake of this

[theggning]

Your post reminded me of something that always perplexed me about Danse's backstory. I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. What do you think of his relationship with Cutler? It really weirds me out, because on the one hand Danse speaks about it as if they were practically married (did everything together, super strong bond so much so that he is scared of loving again), but on the other hand he says that nobody ever cared about how he felt so I'm like ??? which one is it Danse.

Short Doylist Answer:

“Nobody has ever cared how I felt” is a generalization, because it sounds better in dialogue than “nobody except my dead best friend Cutler has ever cared how I felt.”

Also, because it’s an RPG, there’s going to be a lot of bias towards the importance/relevance of the player. It’s the third affinity dialogue with Danse and the player wants to feel like they’ve become very close with him, so saying “You are the first person who has ever cared how I felt” and horning in “and also my aforementioned dead best friend Cutler” isn’t really what the player wants to hear at this point.

Long Watsonian Answer:

Danse is the least reliable person in the world re: other people’s feelings about him and probably genuinely believes that.

This is the guy who believes his worth as a person is proportional to his worth to the Brotherhood. He actually cannot fathom the idea that somebody could like him or care about him outside of his capacity as a soldier. I don’t believe him at all when he says “nobody” has ever cared about his feelings, especially not when we know about Cutler.

I think some of this comes from our boy’s wonderfully healthy and extensive immersion in the BoS. He sorts his relationships with other people onto two levels: the Brotherhood level, and the *other* one.

The Brotherhood is Danse’s family, but it isn’t the same as a family-family. Camaraderie is encouraged, but there’s a strict chain of command, you follow orders, you can’t get too attached to other soldiers because you’re all at war and could die at any time. You respect others for their skill and talents and honor first, and everything else a distant second. Danse is well-respected within the BoS and seems like a pretty popular guy, but perhaps apart from a few people here or there, these are his coworkers. His BoS comrades care about him the same way he cares about them-- as fellow soldiers, brothers and sisters in arms. It’s not a personal sort of care. It isn’t friendship.

(At least, Danse doesn’t believe it is, but he’s also plainly incapable of noticing when other people DO consider him a friend. This is the guy who’s completely baffled when Haylen seeks personal comfort from him and later stands up for him against orders. There’s probably more people like this, but Danse is completely oblivious to the notion that anybody could possibly like him beyond his role as Paladin.)

The *other* level has only ever included one person: Cutler. The only person who knew Danse before the BoS, and appreciated Danse as himself and not as a soldier. Their bond is irreplaceable to him, and he specifically says that of all the comrades he’s lost over the years, none of them were “a good friend, a friend like Cutler.”

But Cutler was also in the Brotherhood. In the five years (at least) since Cutler’s death, it’s feasible that Danse has begun to remember Cutler more as Cutler the Soldier than Cutler My Best Friend (either to make his loss less painful, or because for Danse, everything eventually ends up going back to the Brotherhood.) Maybe as a coping mechanism it’s easier for him to file Cutler along the same lines as all his other fallen comrades, fellow soldiers who care more about Danse the Soldier than Danse My Friend.

I like to think Cutler wouldn’t agree with him at all. 

And now, some cute headcanons:

Cutler was Danse’s best friend and also the first human person he ever had close contact with after escaping the Institute (and getting his memory wiped.)

They started off as neighbors in the Rivet City market and eventually went into business together, or at least collaborated so closely they were basically in business.

Cutler was the wild party animal to Danse’s levelheaded thinker, and they balanced each other out really nicely. The bad ideas were almost always Cutler’s, but Danse would go along with it to keep an eye out for him.

Danse got promoted faster because of his diligence, but Cutler never held this against him or even let it change the way he interacted with him. They still spent their free time together and went on leave together and outside of supervised command structures, were as close as they ever were.

Cutler joked about getting special treatment once Danse was a Paladin (but never asked for any, because obviously Danse wouldn’t abuse his rank like that.)

Whichever one of you came up with Cutler asking Danse to buy the next round when he came back being his last words to him, thanks a lot, it’s horribly sad and I love it.

I personally don’t ship them or think there was anything beyond deep friendship between them. It didn’t need to be more than that for his death to hurt. Also two men don’t need to be in love or attracted to each other to care about each other to that level.

I picture Cutler as looking like Idris Elba. (Yum.)

[nuclear-reactions]

Fo4 companions react to discovering that Sole has been a synth the whole time and didn't know it??? (p.s. I really love your writing and I think you should like write a book or something because I'd definitely read it and pay good money for it.)

(It’s funny youshould mention that anon, because I actually am in the process ofwriting the second draft of a novel. It’s partially the reason Idon’t post much these days; along with being a sad flake of a person,most of my free time is spent on rewriting the same paragraph fifteentimes. I’ve mentioned the book before here, but if you enjoy mywriting you can follow my newest side blog @toogaytowrite where I’ll beposting all the drabbles I write that I can’t find a home for as wellas updates on the book and excerpts. If you just want fanfictionstuff you can check out my AO3 too/shameless plug

Codsworth is aplot hole in this kind of theory so he, Strong, and Dogmeat areexcluded )  

There’s the truth,in the black and white ink of the Institute’s documents. Their truename is a number and their memories are lines of coded heartbreak.None of it was even real. Somehow it makes sense- the first real,clear memory they have is of the day the bombs fell. If there was alife before that, their creators didn’t deem it necessary to theexperiment. Sole is a synth. Manufactured. Inhuman. An researchproject to see how a synth would act under the outlandish parametersthey’d set. Shaun, their spouse, their memories of their parents,their entire life, all fabrications. Holding the proof with shakinghands, they turn to their companion.

Hancock- He prideshimself on being good with words, on always knowing what to say,whether or not it was exactly the ‘right’ thing to say. Very rarely,pre-ghoul or after, has John Hancock ever found himself at a loss forwords. Yet here is. He had to hand it to the Institute- they reallyoutdid themselves with Sole. They completely convinced him Sole was areal person. The moment that thought crosses his mind, he feels hisstomach bottom out. What the hell was he thinking? Of course Sole isa real person. He built an entire town to shelter people that otherssaw as subhuman, and he had to scold himself for entertaining theidea, even for a moment, that they were anything less than anexemplary human being. More human than most of the people who wouldlaud their humanity as a virtue. “Hey.” He tips their head up alittle. “Look at the bright side- I ain’t gonna outlive you now,and you get to keep all of your skin. We can raise hell forcenturies.” A hollow huff of laughter escapes them. He fixes themwith a steady gaze. “You’re still you, Sole. That might be hard tobelieve right now, but its true. You’re the same person that waltzedinto Goodneighbor and turned my world upside down. And I’ve still gotyour back, whatever you’re made of.” He chuckles, “Tinman.” andknocks his knuckles against their chest.

Nick- He put ahands on their shoulder. “Easy there, kid. This is a lot to takein.” He knows too well the way it feels to have the world pulledout from under you in exactly this fashion. It’d been a long timesince he woke up in a dumpster with a head full of stolen memories,he knows better than perhaps anyone in the Commonwealth, or at leastanyone in the room, what Sole is going through. Yet, he still findsit unimaginable. His memories are real. They’re not his own, but aman named Nick Valentine had existed once. To realize every face inyour head, every ghost haunting your dreams, was just a part of yourprogramming, it was unfathomable But just as he understands thefeeling of realizing you aren’t really you, that your identity is alie, he also knows what it means to break free of the preconceivedtemplate the Institute laid out for you. “They didn’t make you,understand? Everything you are, everything you’ve done, those gotnothing to do with anything they did to you. Whatever they made youfor, you made yourself, without their help.” He pulls them into anembrace with one hand and pushes the paper away with the other. Theyhelped him accept this same simple truth, the least he could do wasmake them see it too.

Curie- She is onlyjust beginning to grapple and understand her own newly foundemotions, and all the knowledge she has on the subject are frompurely clinical standpoints. The wisdom of old dead men on how totreat someone who is suffering from something impossible to healthrough conventional means. She knows this discover must come as ashock to Sole. She knows there are things she should do to comfortthem. But she’s unsure of where to begin. “Do you need to sitdown?” No response. They merely stare blankly at the paper in theirhands. “It is… fascinating a synth could develop such complexemotions as you have, non? If this is true, that is.” She takes afew cautious steps to their side. She tries smiling at them. “Youare all the more incredible. To have gained the autonomy… thehumanity you have gained. Ah, you are a miracle.” It maybe isn’t ascomforting as she might have hoped, and it doesn’t seem to lift theirspirits much, but they thank her anyway. It’s the truth really. Thisdiscovery just proved how extraordinary they truly were, even morethan when she thought they were human. They were a machine thattranscended beyond what they were designed for. She hoped to be likethem someday.

Danse (pre BlindBetrayal)- His mind whirls into a tail spin, his breath quickens. Asynth? He had been lied to this entire time by some synth plant inthe Brotherhood? He almost feels light headed. They had been privy tosome of the Brotherhood’s most guarded secrets- they had infiltratedthe Prydwen with such ease! They stood ten feet away from ElderMaxson. They could have killed him, could have killed any number ofhis brothers and sisters, and no one would have been quick enough tostop them. He put them all at risk by trusting a complete stranger.How could he have been so blind? He levels his weapon against theirhead. “Did you know about this?” he demands. He shouldn’t begiving them a chance to justify this, to lie to him even further. Heknows he has orders to kill synths on sight, but his need for answersin this moment eclipses his training. The shell-shocked look on theirface almost makes him flinch. “I didn’t… I swear, I didn’t.” Hegrips tighter to his weapon to calm the tremor in his hand. Thethings he had trusted them with… He had told them about Cutler.Suddenly the gun feels to heavy to keep aloft. He lets it fall,turning sharply away from them. He couldn’t, not again. It had takeneverything he had to put Cutler down when he found him, it had tornhim open. Even if they were a synth, he couldn’t be responsible forthe death of another person he considered a friend. “I never wantto see you again, do you understand? When I report this, you will bean enemy of the Brotherhood of Steel, and if you show your faceagain, I will have you shot.” He leaves them alone in that crampedoffice and doesn’t look back. Next time, he won’t be so weak.

Danse (post BlindBetrayal)- He wouldn’t wish this fate on anyone. His identity, hismemories, his very essence ripped away, through no fault of his own.It had been almost too much to stand. If Sole hadn’t have been therefor him, he knows he wouldn’t have been able to take it. He wouldn’tbe standing here with them now. Maxson would have had him destroyedif not for Sole, and if not Maxson, then… he remembers the way hehad admired his gun after his secret had been exposed. There was nodoubt in his mind that he would be dead either way. “I know itfeels like the world is coming down right now. Nothing I can say ordo will make that feeling go away. It takes time.” He took a deepbreath. “But it gets better. Even when if feels like it won’t.”He gingerly rests a hand on their back. “And I’ll be here.” Theyhad been his anchor to humanity. He’s almost grateful he has thechance to pay them back for that.

MacCready- Hedoesn’t know what to feel. Like he’s been lied to, by someone he’dnever met, didn’t even know the name of. More than anything, he hatesthe people who made Sole, who gave them such a good heart, and madethem suffer. His loss of Lucy and Duncan’s sickness had just beenlife being unfair and cruel, but someone made the conscious decisionto do this to Sole. Some shithead sat at a computer and mapped outeach heartbreak in their life. To give them a spouse and a child,make them feel that overwhelming love, and then to take it away. Forwhat? To test them? How cruel could a person really be? Machine ornot, Sole is his friend, they’ve proven that time and time again, andhe has nothing but hate for the sick bastards that toyed with themlike this. He takes their hand gently in his, coaxing the paper fromtheir shaking grip. “This doesn’t mean anything, hear me? Itchanges nothing.” He tears the paper in half, in thirds, into bitstoo small to put back together, and scatters them across the floor.He cradles their neck and the back of their head to force them tolook him in the eye. “This changes nothing.”

Deacon- He’d seenit before- a lot, actually. He was there when several synths came tothe realization they were constructed. The confusion and hurt was tobe expected. He hates to think there had been a time when he wouldn’thave accepted Sole, the person he had come to trust the most, whenthis news came to light. But more than anything, he feels suddenlymore protective of them. The Commonwealth was often cruel to thingsit didn’t understand, none more so than ghouls and synths. How manypeople, who once hailed Sole as a hero, would turn their backs onthem if this came to light? How many would do worse than that? Peopleturned on their own families if they thought they were synths,whether or not they were dangerous. He pushed his sunglasses off tolook Sole in the eye. “Nobody has to know about this,” he says,voice low, “We can just pretend we never saw this.” He cracksinto a smirk. “I mean, what super secret Institute document? Neverseen one of those!” They don’t look convinced, but he isn’t reallysure what could convince them. “You know I’ve got your back.Partner.” They finally look up from the paper to him. He flashesthem a smile and holds eye contact only for a moment, long enough toprove himself, before pushing his glasses back up the bridge of hisnose.

Cait- “Shite…”It’s all she can think to say. She never had much of an opinion aboutsynths- she thought the Institute was scummy, but before Sole broughther on board, she never got involved in the politics of theCommonwealth. If the Brotherhood was out of line, if the Railroad’scause was just, if the Institute had to be stopped- she never gave itmuch thought. They were all mad bastards as far as she was concerned.She never had to give much thought even to the concepts of synthetichumans. But this same attitude meant that, in the face of thisrevelation, she didn’t feel betrayed, or suspicious. She just saw afriend in need of comfort. She placed a hand on their shoulder. “Youalright?” She can feel them shaking ever so slightly, and squeezesthem a little harder. “Bastards, messing with people like this.”A smile plays on her lips, and she claps them on the back. “Youknow, I didn’t give my father nearly the beating he deserved. What doya’ say we rectify it with yours?”

Piper- One of herbiggest fears, the night terror she had for countless nights, was theInstitute replacing someone precious to her. She often dreamed of Natcoming home one day different. The difference that came when someonewas replicated. It filled her with dread and made her hate and fightthe Institute all the harder, knowing it could happen, that it hadhappened to people she knew- brothers, mothers, friends, all takenand never returned. She might not know them as intimately as she didNat or Sole, but she felt their grief. It feels… wrong, somehow.Even knowing the Sole she knows is the same one she has always known,the discovery of their origins sends chills down her spine.  Lookingat them now, it was like looking at a stranger with a familiar face.All the confusion and traces of fear of having someone close to herreplaced with none of the replacing. She never thought she hatedsynths as a whole,- she hated lies, she hated the Institute forplanting synths and spreading uncertainty, but now she had toquestion her own feelings. This feels like one big lie. They turn toher with a lost look on their face. “Piper, I…” Their voicecracks. The ice she felt creeping into her heart melts. She has toremember her own words; whether they’re born or built, a person is aperson. She’d be the worst kind of hypocrite if she said such things,then turned around and gave her own friend the cold shoulder forthings beyond their control. She sighs and steps forward, twines herfingers around their wrist. “I know. We’ll… we’ll figure thisout, Blue.”

Preston- Hefidgets with the strap of his rifle, his hands restless. He wantsnothing more than to pull them into a hug. He can’t imagine what theymust be feeling. To wake up one morning and realize everything youthought you knew, everything you are, everything you’ve done, all ofit was unreal, it was beyond comprehension. He isn’t sure if he wouldbe able to handle it. But he’s always known Sole is strong, strongerthan him in a lot of ways. That’s what he’s always admired aboutthem. “General.” It’s just a simple word, he’d called them by thetitle a thousand times since he’d bestowed it on them, but saying itnow almost makes them jump. “I’m not-” they almost say. “Youare,” he interjects. “The Minutemen will still stand behind you.I know I will.” They start to turn away and he captures them by thefar shoulder, coaxing them back. “Whatever you were, you’ve provenyourself time and time again to be the kick in the ass theCommonwealth needs. You’re more than what you were made for.”

X6-88- They werenever meant to see these documents. He realized too late what theyhad stumbled across, and can only stare blankly at them when theyturn to him with accusations in their gaze. Father had personallybriefed him on this experiment, it was his job to observe them, neverletting on that he knew what he knew. Now they were compromised. “Isthis true?” they ask in a shaking, yet commanding voice. “Youweren’t supposed to-” They push past him through the door, clutchingthe paper in their fist. “Sir/ma'am, just wait a moment. Allow meto explain-” “This explains it perfectly well!” He sighs,watching their back retreat. “Beta 0 9 volaris,” he calls out,and they stopped dead in their tracks. Their grip on the documentwent slack, their head drooping as every tense muscle in their bodywent limp. He’d been advised only to use their recall code in extremesituations, otherwise it would be weeks, maybe even months ofInstitute’s work down the drain. If any situation called for it, thiswas the one. He crosses to them in a few long strides. “For whatit’s worth,” he says, though he knows they can’t hear him in thisstate, “I have never considered anyone remarkable until I met you.”He relays to the Institute and hands them in to be reprogrammed.