#but yes your theme is the best i’ve seen on tumblr OMG

[lottiies]

YOUR THEMEE…ay AMORRR it’s beautiful i’m licking my screen so badly…

SIREN HIHIHI <33 omg a theme compliment coming from you is an honor…i’m so sure that if there were to be a competition for the most creative and cool looking theme on tumblr you’d be in first place ヽ(≧◡≦)八(o^ ^o)ノ

also lmk if you got my ask from today because i think tumblr ate the first one i ever sent you when i followed you LMAOAO

me to you <33

[greensagephase]

Just realized how much I love the way you write your Miguel. Like instead of oversexualizing, making him animalistic or just straight up a dick (even tho he kindof is sometimes, let's be honest-)

I just love how you dive in his current trauma (not too long ago his mom got zombified like marvel give bro a break plz), include trust issues and his mental problems, while not breaking his character. You made him stubborn, a little proud, but still show slight vulnerability, and so many unsaid words. Hell, you might be one of the best Miguel writers I've ever seen on here!

I love the slow burn in NC, it makes Miguel seem more like a real person, with unbearable trauma and trust issues, who's main way to 'cope' is "by leading a society of Peter Parkers who can't pay their rent on time" (from the ATSV artbook), and as someone with a mental health too similar to Miguel's I can see myself in him (THAT'S A COMPLIMENT) with a slow build of trust

While I sometimes do enjoy a bit of smut, most of the time, it's too fast. Too quick, like- CALM DOWN LADIES (and gents), I DON'T THINK MIGUEL'S GONNA EAT YOU OUT ON THE COUNTER IN THE KITCHEN LIKE EMPANADAS

ALSO DID U KNO HE'S BI???

Hiii, Dino!!! Thank you for the ask, pookie!! 🥰 Also, I'm sorry for taking a few days to answer your ask. I took a few days off tumblr due to life :))

But omg, thank you!! I appreciate the kind words so much, and I’m happy that you love NC!Miguel and the slow burn! 🥹 Also, I’m glad you appreciate the acknowledgement of Miguel’s issues, traumas, and mental state within the fic. I’m no expert; no psychologist nor professional writer, but as the story expanded, I decided that I’d like to dive into Miguel’s story a little more, this being a Spider-Man Miguel fic after all, and one that’s attempting to portray Miguel as realistic as possible (or at least the way I see him and think he’d be like), so that entails including his issues, traumas, and mental state, too.

I know this has led to some chapters being a little delicate, overwhelming, and/or sad (and I’m sorry to anyone who has ever felt down or cried reading NC because they resonated with this content, or the emotions got a little too much. This has never been my intention ):), but I believe it’s important to address, especially because his issues, traumas, and mental state overall are big contributors to his behaviour and mindset in ATSV. As I said, I’m no expert, but just from what I learned in college and have learned throughout the years with personal experiences (seen close people dealing with similar issues like those Miguel has faced and is facing), I know healing from such traumas is important to move forward with life. I also know it takes time, which is a big reason why this fic is a slow burn.

I want Miguel to find himself in a healthy and positive mindset, learn to trust others, and know that he is worthy of love and friendships before he finds himself in a romantic relationship. I’ve yapped too much, but I’m glad that you appreciate that, even though these can be sensitive themes/discussions. Thank you! Also, I’m touched that you can see yourself in NC!Miguel and how he slowly begins to allow himself to trust someone. I hope that as the story progresses, you can continue to see yourself in him in a non-harmful way (I never wish to portray mental health negatively nor disrespect/offend someone)! 💖

And hehehe, your comment about the smut and empanadas has me laughing! 🤣 But I hope you can find more fics with a slower pace regarding that aspect though! I know there’s awesome and talented writers who continue to write for Miguel on here that feed my delusions about this man and post very regularly (thank you Miguel writers - ily 🥰), so keep your eyes open and support what you enjoy reading!!

ALSO, yes, but also no?? I saw a tweet a very long time ago of Oscar Isaac apparently saying Miguel was bi, but idk if it’s canon because I haven’t read any of the comics 😞 (all the plot lines within NC that align with the comics have been researched from other sources). Is it confirmed in the comics? :))

Thank you so much for the ask!! I hope you’re having a great day/night, Dino!! Pls take care!! 🫶🏼💖

Alondra❤️

[blackdollette]

hii! omg okay so i absolutely love your works and your writing style and i wanted to know how you started up writing on here because i’ve been wanting to for a while but have no idea how to start 😣

thank you so much for this question! I'm gonna answer it in detail and feel free to dm me if ur confused abt anything!

OLIVIA'S (almost) COMPLETE WRITING GUIDE!

the basics.

i'll start off really easy. to begin, find someone (preferably famous). if this person is in any films, watch a few to get a taste of a couple different characters. this will help you form a hyperfixation to a character. this will be who you write for. for me, it's rory culkin & spencer reid. from here, now we can get to the fun part.

your aesthetic.

your theme is the next thing that will draw in an audience. I'm completely aware of the trillions of different aesthetics in the world, but more popular ones tend to draw a larger audience (odd, I know.) currently trending aesthetics include 2014 grunge (shades of black, pink, and lots of soft filters), coquette (pastel pinks and soft cremes, can be followed with slightly disturbing content), and my favourite, gothic. (falls into 2014 a little. i include themes from my favourite album. music will draw in a crowd too.) but this part is extremely flexible, so choose any style that you want!

friends & your fandom.

one of the best things you can do to give your account a kick start before even starting is to make friends in a fandom. reblog fics you like, leave kind comments, "sneak" into dms and leave encouraging messages. this'll earn you some followers and supporters right off the bat. if you're comfy with it, tell your friends outside of tumblr to follow you too (but I totally understand where that can get messy, so no pressure.)

writing + visuals.

now we're getting to the good part. fanfics are categorized into 3 main parts: smut, fluff, and angst (all I'm sure you've seen on my page.) smut is sexual stuff, fluff usually has a more cozy atmosphere around it, and angst is all the gut-wrenching stuff that really tugs at your heartstrings. as you write for either one of these things, keep in mind that your visual should support whatever the theme of the fic is. idk how long you've been supporting me, but ever since the start (august 2023) I have included some sort of visual in my content. first I only used gifs and ordinary fonts, then I branched out and began putting together my own photos and making the title match. your visual will reflect the quality of your writing.

when writing for anything, second person is usually my go-to (you went to the store, you took a walk, etc). it is the most commonly used perspective and prevent any confusion for the readers. when writing smut, there are certain words and phrases that'll be good with readers, and some that won't. when referring to the vagina, "cunt" and "pussy" will do better than "coochie" or "bearded clam" (yes, I've actually seen that used in a fic). when writing angst or fluff, create a mood by using sensory words that paint a picture in the reader's mind. practice this by googling good descriptive words and weaving them into your fics. this'll boost your writing by a ton, trust me.

conclusion.

this was a lot to take in, I know. when I first started publishing fics on this account, my content was far from good, but I promise you will improve as you go. remember to pace yourself, don't force yourself to write if you just don't feel like it. any writer on this app will understand that feeling. leave your inbox open most of the time to receive good ideas from your supporters, but let them know if you ever need to close it because of an excessive workload. i don't know if you're in school, but finding a good balance between schoolwork and writing fics is a huge part of this whole thing too. thank you so much for the wonderful ask, and my dms are open if you have any more questions.

xoxo, olivia.

[elekinetic]

Quick! Tag your top favorite byler blogs (as many as you want) and tell my why you love them in one line to spread positivity on the dashboard and make someone's day!

FINALLY! THE TIME HAS COME!

this is in no particular order

first up. my wheelies. my ride or dies. call it traumabonding or whatever u want but these mfs know secrets of mine they better take to the grave

@hawkinsp0st, my first real friend on here. currently on hiatus but truly a kindred spirit. single-handedly changed the way i looked at the show with their hellfire color post. u simply get me and i miss ur brain!!

@ratt-duffer deserves so much more credit than you all give them. he just gets this show so well and has such well written analyses, but more than that, is just a fun fuckin person to exist around.

@willsglock my sister in glock. what can i say. she has permanently altered the way i think about brba and bcs. refreshingly honest in a way i wish more people were. occasionally breaks hearts w her writing.

@crazycoven no. 1 weezer stan in my heart ❤️ jk but fr hayden is such a cool person with some of the best themes and best takes on this site. very glad to know him

@tntozier deserves financial compensation for what theyve given to this tag. one of the brightest souls on here. everything he posts is a gift and u all should be so lucky 🤨 thank u for screaming abt st puzzle games and convincing me to download. i blame you for my crippling addiction.

ok onto some of my other favorite geniuses on here <3

@quinnick his energy??? immaculate. thank u for putting reddie content on my dash. u are so sweet and are the only valid ask hoarder. yes ofc i will send you more asks!! you deserve it!! even if you won’t stop making ur mom jokes.

@madcleradin just fucking gets it. she has never made a single post i did not wholeheartedly agree with. her understanding of the characters and the dynamics….phenomenal. also genuinely hilarious. very grateful to be mutuals w one sierra loveqbrl madcleradin

@mlchaelwheeler is a certified genius and is single-handedly responsible for getting me to restart succession. we don’t chat very often but when we do it is so much fun. she always puts such good posts i’ve never seen before on my dash and her analyses are genius. sarah’s blog is a gift to this site!!!

@chiquitablanquita changed my life with her poetry fic. i just. wow. wow. oh my god. yeah basically yeah. oh my god. i am in awe of you for the work u do outside of fandom and for the absolute insane talent u so gracefully share with us.

@eightieslesbian is The Gif Maker on here. her visions…holy shit. yes her gifs of my demos and the bitch meredith brooks gifset haunt my dreams bc she is the sweetest person on here and the fact that she DOWNLOADED MY MUSIC?? hello my heart is broken in two. but can we talk about HER original stuff?? HELLO?? she is so insanely talented and her vision is just….omg. OMG.

@elmaxed lumi and i don’t chat all that much but her brain is just so correct always and forever. her writing is wonderful and her energy is stellar. always happy to see her on my dash.

@wibble-wobbegong is such a fun blog to follow. he’s just such a cool dude and has such a nuanced understanding of mike. plus a great signature blog theme. dude has a BRAND, mad respect

@astrobei i cannot believe we are mutuals. i CANNOT BELIEVE we are mutuals. genuinely one of my favorite writers on ao3 and i still fangirl a little everytime we interact. like. the fics….holy shit. HOLY shit. she has such a firm understanding of the characters and has never written anything that doesn’t feel true to the show, regardless of AU or canon compliance. hanleia costume fic my beloved. good god they are such a talented writer.

@smoosnoom the scream i scrumpt when i got the follow notification. first fic writer i actually learned how to use the “subscribe” function on ao3 for. there are no words for the absolute batshit amount talent stored in this tumblr blog. ik y’all have read i’m tearing you asunder (cue “uh yeah, i’ve read the classics” tiktok audio) but every fic in their fix it series….jesus christ. run up that hill to go read rn.

@strangeswift is in a category of her own. abby u are a twin flame and i am so glad to know u. u simply understand me!! y’all she is such a fuckin phenomenal writer and is SO CEREBRAL in the way she approaches the show. her mike s4 pov snippets live rent free in my head. truly the only person who could get me to voluntarily read angst. NEVER misses with her takes and is just. so smart. SO SMART. the most supportive mfer on here fr. you guys aren’t ready for milevenvision or any of the other stuff you should be so lucky for abby to put out.

ok i could talk about my friends and moots for hours and i definitely DEFINITELY missed ppl but pls just know i follow blogs i love love love the content of and if we are mutuals i value u to the moon and back <333

[yamagucji]

a series of thank you’s i’ve been meaning to give for a while now. please note i couldn’t get everyone bc im smol brained and im forgetful :(( also its vedy long so i added a readmore link but if it’s okay then i can remove it!

i would’ve preferred to go to your inboxes/dm’s but im scared t🤢umblrs going to glitch on me if i do it again a ha ha

@doublemoons

i remember you sent in my first ever request and i was SO happy like🥺 my account had no visibility on week 1 but then you somehow found my blog and since then you’ve been supporting me. i love the aesthetic of your blog and i always look forward to your rb’s because they so cute and insightful !! ik we haven’t talked much but i definitely perceive u as a gentle person here’s 1k hearts for you and you only <3

@insanityqueen

please i was *intense squealing* and *happy noises* when you said you wanted to be mutuals :’) im definitely uhhh way too immature for u but you still stick with all the caps and !!! i send you😭 you’re such an interesting, talented person. day 1 you got me HOOKED with your art and im gonna say this again,, i have never seen skin look soo s o f t painted. im really grateful for your company and all your cats and the hinata art you made me🥺 i am not still thirsting over it i swear and then you sent me pieces of your writing and i def expected hc’s but then BOOM🧍‍♀️ im so amazed by your writing. also you are vv pretty i hope you know that

@zephyrria

matching heart memes matching heart memes😾 i don’t talk to you as much but our main form of communication is literally exchanging heart memes w/o a word,,, if that isn’t true love idk what is :// anyway i love our little convos so much it always brightens my day! and omg lets not forget when you made me a drabble back😳 like wha- HUH !! i was so touched i rlly went boom boom woosh bc no ones ever written me one back and i!! that yamaguchi gives me so much comfort. you give me sm comfort, thank you bub <3

@beanst0ck

hehe my first tumblr crush😼 as soon as i deactivated my reading account to my a writing blog i was like “ok bean is on my top to-follow list” like i thought you were so cool and i was vv shy to interact with you🥺 and YOU STILL ARE COOL!! your works are really amazing and i am vv much still in love w my matchup w suga :’)

@killuababie

HHHH GRR BORK BORK I LUB U B NEVER GONNA STOP LOVING YOU BHH💓✨ bro,,,, when we switched over to insta it was WILD like— our sense of humor? matched. immaculate. please i love seeing all the memes u send me it makes my day so much like u don’t understand😭 and our convos really go chaos sometimes gkfjdj i love it. u need to pull up and play among us w me sometime 😡

@bewwybun

m-my first spouse🥺 even tho it was a joke the first time and i said sike fkdjdjdj but you still accepted my dino chimken nuggie ring hehe <3 bub your are literally the CUTEST HHHHH LIKE,,, cuteness overload !!! i love talking to you sm and our little exchange of heart memes make the butterflies in my tummy go ✨

@mei-writes

may🥺 imy bub i hope you’re doing well and taking good care of yourself. still very grateful for that time you pulled through to check which of my links weren’t working. and there’s a LOT. like the fact that you took time out of your day for me still baffles me. anyway im lomve you ik we don’t talk as much but you’re still a valued moot to me. im offering u free headpats hehe

@kozsma

hi maria👉👈 you’re so wonderful and rlly amazing w your smaus. absolutely smitten over our chaotic conversations fkfjd we haven’t talked in a while but if you see this just know that i’m here for you <3 take some self care okay? hope you’re doing good bub

@tsukkeisimp

dalia, you wondering being💞 please what did i do to deserve your love >;( we don’t talk much but we have exchanged heart memes before and you’re always out here supporting me whenever you can and like!! tysm bub. i hope you’re feeling better from the last time we interacted, and please do take good care of yourself!

@satorispup

can’t believe you made a reputation of having a piss kink. what power. what energy >>> anyway it’s fun seeing your chaotic energy on my feed/tl. sometimes i won’t even look at the user and say yeah💔 that’s hero alright gkfjdj also you’re so cute what the heck😡😡

@tobiokvgs

[ insert 100 hearts ] this for u bub. im still going crazy over your tsukki lipbalm piece like i was so FLUSTERED you really did that huh😭 you’re so nice and sweet, ty for giving me headbonks as well im really glad to get them😌 hope you have an amazing day bub, and take care!!

@bunnyuuji

cutecutecutest bean ever🥺 you have such wonderful works and im truly in love with your writing😌 also you’re so SWEET WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE U GKFJDJ literally you weren’t obligated to stop by my ask and check in but u did >:(

@yanderepunkin

hehe ik we haven’t interacted in such a long time but im including you!! bc i appreciate you!! i know you’ve supported me a lot especially when i just started this blog and im really thankful for it. also uhhh im still not over accidentally turning off anon when i was- yeah😿 i wish you all the love in the world, and please do take gentle care of yourself 💓

@ahkaahshi

frannn👁👁🤲 yes im gonna start with how big brained you are. your passion for textiles and improving the environment is vv cool to me. and then there’s the fact you write these hq characters so well. yes i am absolutely still living for your character analysis. i am thriving off of them!! here’s me manifesting kita and/or sakusa to show up in your dreams hehe

@sachirou-senpai

i hope you dont mind me sending u stuff every now and then! anyway im in awe of your writing and art skills. you brought a realistic yamaguchi and i ascended😳 i genuinely think you’re such a cool person but also please take breaks!! ik it’s such an overused phrase but i genuinely mean it. i care u <3

@kenmakodzu

you’re so sweet and you do really be sending me back some heart memes😳 i go BOOM BOOM yaya that’s more to my collection;) also you and your hq anon interactions go WILD omg it really does make my day more interesting whenever i see them😂 also i do be seeing some of ur chaotic energy on my dash and i am HERE for it

@tsukkisbean

hemlo clara🥺 d-do you remember me gkdjshsjs i think its been a while since we interacted. you’re so sweet and AHH lmao did u know we were in a poly with wiss😔💔 yeah❤️ n e way i hope you’ve been alright these past few weeks, and if not, please get some break!

@atsunflower

miya twin supremacy😡 can’t believe you made me swerve over to osamu’s lane because of your amazing writing. how could you. the mf audacity. i rlly do fell in love with that piece do so THAMK U and that also goes for the support you’ve given me💗

@lespaghetti

ozzy👁👁🤝 ngl our conversations have been top tier im glad i got to uhmm,,, get some of these *thoughts* out of my head. you’re such a sweet little bean!!! that art/sketch you did with the purple (?) themed uniforms was really cute. im glad to have u as my moot and *cough* my vip reader *cough*

@sleepykarabou

our heart meme streak was strong until school happened😔 but i really enjoy them tho!! it’s very calming talking to you (fun, but also vv calming idk that’s how i feel) loving the brainrots we give each other of our favs from time to time :’) also omg OSRRY im barely active in the server please spare me😿 im lomve u

@nerdybreadcollaborative

gee!! AHHHH KGFJJD GRRR u sweet bean oh my goodness. where do i start- ??? i’ve already gushed so much abt your writing but here we go again; i love your writing so much and your attention to the little details is so great. they flow so well and i hope u get more visibility bc it’s what u deserve!! also please take care of yourself and don’t work too much u nerdy bean

@nishinoya-is-baby

ely my plant kinnie, my spouse (?) and also the blog that i dump my h word thots on😭❤️ ahhh im lomve you, you’re amazing. from your writing, to your makeup skills, and your room, the talent really ✨jumped out✨thank you for supporting me so much, i genuinely appreciate it. i hope we can stay moots despite me being busy gkfjdj anyway take care bbie don’t work too much okay?

@art0saurus

TATE😤 the amount of hq brainrot you’ve fed me is astronomical. idk how you keep coming up with such good ideas but im all for them!! i love your writing so much and the plots are so *chefs kiss* (yes im still gushing over mermaid!bokuto). thank you so much for sending some bits of positivity into my life, im really grateful for it :’)

@dorkyhaikyu

EL!😼 you sweet bean. wish i could bombard ur asks but school is saying no </3 you’re such a sweet mutual and your writing is absolutely amazing. still kinda hurt over that angst u made💔 but anyway i loved it sm. also please wear safer shoes next time on big events so u dont get any more BLISTERS kgjdjdh jkjk

@chickenwingspiker

nashnashnash🥺👉👈 wth you’re so cute and even cuter with the little emoticons u put in my asks. i really appreciate you taking time out of your day to check in on me. i think your works are really heckin cool, im still very into that sock agenda one and the akaashi fic AHH i love them sm. i hope that u have better experiences with online learning and i really wish you all the best on ur art journey <3

@miyastrology

did u forget abt our walk to the strawberry field😿 jkjk heyyy atlas!! im lomve your theme and your writing. i have the urge to say you’re as sweet as strawberry bc im unoriginal like that💔 let’s just pretend i put something kute :’( n e way u are vv cute, make sure to take care of yourself ok!!

@derpeedoo

your rb’s and comments on ppl works... i just... my heart is full. im complete. i go absolute doki doki for you. you’re such a genuine person and you give people so much love❤️ here’s an unlimited supply of my love to you bc you deserve it. ty for all the cute questions btw🥺

🕊 anon - still wondering if ur one of my already-moots or not😳 but anyway dove anon i have a lot to say,,, like how ?? do u go “ok let’s check in on aaron today hehe” like am i interesting??😭 i feel kinda bad ngl you really don’t have to talk to me. but nevertheless im really appreciate of all the support you’ve given me. i genuinely think you’re a cool person and you do all these fun stuff like photography which is amazing. here’s the biggest THANK YOU i could ever give <3 ps. your art is CUTE and AMAZING @bee-kins

@simping-for-tendou

do i??? spam your feed??😭 you’re always liking my posts and i feel so sorry for spamming but also vv appreciate of all the interaction i’ve had with you!! im very glad i got to ask you qotd and stuff because i got to know that you like plants as well!! thank you for sharing plant facts with me, it really made my day. i genuinely think you’re such an awesome and big brained person for knowing all those facts🥺👉👈

@wissaaltje

ngl i was very intimated by you bc of all your angst and really good works which is probably why i never reached out to you sooner😿 ur my uhhh third spouse <3 but anyway your CHAOTIC ENERGY is thru the roof i love that sm and your writing is so mf beautiful i wish more people got to see it😡 i will gib you flower soup and muddy pie to make you feel better ;) jkjk but you’re very amazing and i hope you know that!

@smolbludandelions

hehe you’re in here😼 thank you ???? for supporting me even tho you’re not obligated??? like wh- i- bub🥺🤲 you have all my heart and i rlly rlyy want to stop by your inbox and give you heart memes but me why >;( i hope you have the most amazing day(s) of your life because you deserve it SO much.

@tadashi-simp

FINALLY someone i can simp over yamaguchi with😭 ik we haven’t talked much but AH i love the conversations we’ve had so far and all that insight you gave me about the new wanda film (truly a blessing bc i was so genuinely confused gkfjdj).

@oikaw-ugh

just. JOLLIBEE. can’t believe one of our first interactions was u sending me chain mail smfh i cannot believe you😭 anyway po i appreciate you so much na kaka tawa ako sa mga msgs mo and all the good vibes u radiate. mag bisaya unta ko nimi pero baka mag nosebleed ako😿 im losing my native languages it’s not even funny anymore but when i got to talk to u in my mother tongue, i felt a bit more at home. thank you bub <3

@makemealive

hihi👉👈 idrk what we first talked about, i think it was spending vacation in the galapagos islands??😭 riding turtles??? what a great way to start our friendship :’) i rlly think you’re cool and i just,,,, admire u from afar- yeah. sorry this message is too chaotic but anyway u might not have a green thumb but look at you growing potatoes accidentally😌 anyway i think you’re cool i just haven’t said it before because im s Hy

@lostsealscreams

seal, bub, i genuinely care about you. you’re such a sweet person. i know we haven’t interacted much but im looking forward to more conversations with you!! please find little fun things to do... maybe do some self appropriation if you can, bc you deserve it. maybe even treat yourself... or any self care tasks that make you feel better. i care about you a lot, im just an ask/dm away if you wanna talk about anything at all💕💞✨

@hqgardenia - jkjk this is my spam account idk why i put this here but here probably bc im dumb as fuck

[synnefo-nefeli]

Hello!! Just wanted to say I just re read Heard Your Heart Beating for like... The fifth time, probably?? And now that I know ur tumblr, I just wanted to say. Its probably one of my fav Klapollo fics. I LOVE your characterization in it. Especially Apollo's, in which he gets flustered and provoked quite easily but he can also get super sassy and bitchy lmao. And I love his and Klavier's friendship? It makes me so happy to see fics where their pre-relationship is explored. I love seeing romantic interactions but it's also SUPER nice to see them just being... Platonic and hanging out together and supporting each other and being friends!! I mean relationships are founded upon friendships so it's really cute to read about them before they get all romantic too. I loved reading about their Valentine's Day hangout at Apollo's house. It's just... So chill. Even though you touched on the big Kristoph issue, it is also lighthearted at times. It was really nice to see Kristoph being addressed but it not being the whole point of their 'date'. And their banter...... Omg.... Especially Klavier's highkey flirting LMAOOO ITS SO FUNNY TO READDD!!! And Trucy omg.... I love the inclusion of her because of course she needs to be included. Love her. Anyways thank you so much for writing it!!! I don't want to, like, unknowingly pressure you into continuing or anything though!!! I just wanted to share my thoughts! I know how hard it can get continuing a fic when you have real life obligations lol. Anyways I will be suppperr happy if you do but even if you don't! I am still so glad you wrote the chapters so far. PHEW THATS IT. HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY

Anon, I am just dead from this comment.  When I read this, I wanted to cry because I am just so touched and humbled.

“Heard Your Heart Beating” has such a special place in my heart and I am sorry that it takes me 5ever to write in general that the updates to it are slow. Never did I think that a story I came up with nearly seven years ago (lsdkfmslkfdm) would take me this long to write but also I like taking my time with it, as I’ve never ever written a slow-burn fic.

I love Klapollo so much, and I just want to do them justice (haha), because there is so much there between them as characters.  They’re two characters bound by tragic events but, they’re both forthright individuals who have a lot of external factors (good and bad) impacting their relationship.

AA5 was such a great game and full of emotion, but there was a lot to read in between the lines-  Apollo had suffered a personal tragedy in losing Clay, and his introduction as an attorney had been fraught with betrayal and a lot of fighting against the odds, then he nearly has to accuse Athena for Clay’s murder...and it was just a lot for him.  

As for Klavier, the year prior had left him with the truth that he’d been used and betrayed by his brother and his best friend...and then as he’s picking the pieces of his life together, transitioning from the rocker life that was his way of life/protection from Kristoph for 7 years, his mentor is murdered.  Klavier is a genius prosecutor, he most likely advanced early through Themis, changed his career path, graduated, got his badge, and then his debut is just a mess.  Apollo brought him back to the courts but Klavier, it seemed at least to me in DD, was still trying to figure out where he fit in.  

Constance Court’s impact on Klavier is a big part of Heard Your Heart Beating and will be explored in later chapters.

But yeah I liked the idea of these two coming together organically- they’re both highly empathetic people, so there is common ground there.  Klavier knows that Apollo has seen the Kristoph that Klavier once knew and admired. It’s easy to paint Kristoph as a monster, but when you look at how Apollo and Klavier speak of him (before the murders obvs) you can tell that all they both wanted was to make Kristoph proud.  And I also wanted to explore those human moments with Kristoph too.  Yes, he’s an asshole- but he was someone that Apollo and Klavier looked up to.  So that betrayal and grief is something they can both share, and while Daryan is still alive, Klavier’s friendship with him died metaphorically. But the hurt and pain of not having that friendship, not having that person you love platonically in your life for the rest of your life- is a death unto itself not unlike Apollo’s pain and grief over losing Clay. 

They strike me as two people who are just looking for safety, and they both recognize (Klavier more quickly than Apollo, although I feel it’s subconscious on Apollo’s part) that they can have that safety with each other.   This theme is reflected in the title.  It’s from the song “Cosmic Love” by Florence + The Machine.

“Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too So I stayed in the darkness with you “

When I heard this song while writing the opening drafts of this story, I felt that this song summed up Apollo and Klavier in this story-  they’re both in personal darkness that no one else seems to understand, but when they recognize that the other is in that same darkness- they reach out, even if it means remaining in that grief and sadness, there is comfort in knowing that you’re understood and not alone.

Oof that was a tangent hahaha.

The Valentine’s Day scene was one of my favorite scenes to write. It comes from such a personal moment between the comfort I’ve found with my own friends during a time where I was trying to get my footing in life.  Also, not to side note again, but this fic is actually pretty personal- I’ve never really put my own personal experiences or feelings into a story to the extent that I have in this fic. The opening chapter was written during a time when I thought I was losing my best friend- I had commiserated a lot with Apollo while playing DD- I cried while writing it and I still cry when I read it because it is so intrinsically tied to that time of grief and a feeling that the universe was taking my friend away from me.

So the Valentine’s Day scene was meant to be a scene of comfort and banter- two friends, just hanging out together rather than being alone on “Singles Awareness Day”.  I love that everyone had an expectation of where I was going with that scene.  Especially when alcohol was introduced and then it ended up with them being in Apollo’s bed XD.  It amuses me that their first time ever sharing a bed together would be under the most platonic of circumstances XD.

Anyway, thank you so much anon for the lovely comment- it definitely made my day and made me look over my drafts for this story :)  Maybe an update will come soon!

Have a good day!

[risjime]

heyy :3

also how are all your ask games so interesting and engaging omg your blog just feels like a community it’s so safe and loving ugh okay sorry i just had to say that bc i love it here lol

rev omg pls that- my heart 🥺 i’m glad my blog makes you feel that way, that’s exactly how i want it to feel, bc that’s how i feel and it’s why i continue to actively use tumblr despite its reputation 🤍

1. First impression: babe it took me a hot minute to remember bc you’ve been here since the very beginning. but what i recall is stumbling across your blog while going through my very first set of followers, and really loving your club theme (i still do bc it’s hot af) and then reading your head pushing hcs which i loved so iiii followed you! n the rest was history <3

2. Truth is: you’re basically like my tumblr bff, you were one of the first people i heavily interacted w on here and you continue to be one of my favourite people i’ve met

3. How old do you look: haven’t seen you so i’m not sure!!

4. Have you ever made me laugh: several times

5. Have you ever made me mad: never

6. Best feature: everything, ur perfect idc

7. Have I ever had a crush on you: platonically, absolutely yes

8. You’re my: tumblr bff, mutual i’ve known since the beginning, mutual that deserves that world, mutual that i love v much, my love

@ mutuals, send a “hey” and i’ll answer these questions!

[lovemesomesurveys]

Do you sit on the couch or the floor? I’d definitely choose the couch over the floor. 

How many different colleges have you gone to? Two-- a community college and a UC. How much stress can you handle? It doesn’t take much at all before I get overwhelmed.

What is something you have to do before you go to sleep every night? I like to listen to ASMR. 

How confident are you in achieving your dreams? Sigh. I’m a mess. I don’t even really have any dreams I want to achieve right now. I don’t have the motivation or the energy. I don’t have any confidence in myself. I really need to get my shit together.

What is one thing you thought you’d never do but have done or are doing? I didn’t think I’d end up like this. I didn’t have a definite plan with what I wanted to do after college, but I can assure you this wasn’t it.

Have you ever disowned a friend or family member for their beliefs? No.

At what point in your life do you think you will be truly happy? I don’t know. :(

Do you ever make pictures or shapes out of the markings in the ceiling? I did that as a kid sometimes.

Do you ever feel like your life is too boring or predictable? It most definitely is.

Do you really think money will buy your, or anyone else’s, happiness? It can certainly help. I think it could bring some happiness, like happy moments and things that bring joy, but it wouldn’t cure my depression and the other stuff I’m dealing with. It wouldn’t just go away. At the end of the day, I’d still be left with those things. The thoughts and feelings would still be there. Those feelings and thoughts hit me in the middle of doing something I like or if I’m having a good time now and I don’t see that changing if I became financially better off. 

Is shopping a form of therapy for you? No.

Do you have to take medication for any mental illness? I’m not currently taking anything for it.

Do you believe it is possible for someone to change? Yes, of course. 

What is your favorite food to snack on when watching t.v.? I’m not a big snacker, but lately I have been into sourdough bread and spinach and artichoke dip.

Do you like looking at pictures? Yeah.

Have you ever set 2 people up and it actually worked out? It did for a little while.

Are you good at persuading? Uhh. Depends.

How do you feel about tattoos and piercings? I’m not super into them for myself, but I think they can be cool.

Do you care what people think? Yes and no. Not as much as I used to. I wish it was because I’m now this happy and confident person, but no. 

How many dirty looks have you received today? None.

If a loved one who’d died showed up at your door, what would you do? Uh, I’d be scared and freaked out to say the least and extremely confused. I honestly don’t know what I would do or say. I think it’d be a roller coaster of emotions. If it really were them then I’d be overwhelmed and cry and want to hug them and talk to them and omg I’d be a mess. It would feel so surreal. I’d also have a lot of questions.

Do you believe the dead can have connections with the living? I like to believe they give us little signs.

How many times have you looked at a picture and wished you were there? Many times.

And your name is? Stephanie.

How do you like your coffee? With flavored creamer or cream and sugar.

Do you have a job? If so, what do you do? No.

If unemployed, what do you do to keep yourself busy? My days consist of rest, social media, TV, YouTube, Tumblr, reading, playing Animal Crossing, surveys, and spending time with family.

Top 3 favorite foods, go: Wingstop’s garlic parm and lemon pepper boneless wings, ramen, and breakfast sandwiches.

What does the person who texted you last mean to you? My mom means everything to me.

How do you feel about polyamory? Not something I would be okay with.

When did you last have sex? Was it good? Never.

Which apps on your phone do you use the most? YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, TikTok, and Kindle.

Do you go through phases when it comes to music genres, or are you pretty consistent in what you listen to? I’m consistent. 

Does death scare you? Yes.

If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be? I’d have good health, mentally and physically.

Which family member do you get along with the most? My mom and brother..

Do you like horror movies? Why or why not? Yesss. 

Do you play video games? If so, what are some of your favorites? I’ve been playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons for the past year.

How often do you eat fast food? Quite often.

Do you like sushi? Nooo.

Would you ever be able to become a vegan? No.

How often do you drink alcohol? I don’t. I haven’t drank going on 8 years now.

What was your favorite toy as a child? I was obsessed with Barbies.

Who was your first best friend? What is your favorite memory of/with them? Are you two still friends? These two girls, Crystal and Starr, in preschool. I remember they came to my birthday party at Chuck E Cheese; that was fun. No, we lost touch after preschool. 

If you could see anyone in concert, living or dead, who would it be? I wish I could have seen Linkin Park with Chester. :(

If you were to get married, would you rather have a big extravagant wedding or a small private affair? Explain your answer. I don’t plan on getting married. I really just don’t see it in the cards for me.

Do you want kids? Why or why not? No.

How did you meet your newest friend? I don’t have any friends.

Have you ever watched the show Teen Mom? What did you think about it? Yeah, I watch Teen Mom OG and Teen Mom 2.

Are you old enough to remember MySpace? Yeah, of course. I’m old.

Where is the boy you want most? There isn’t one.

Where will you be 2 hours from now? Right here.

How old is the last person you kissed? He just turned 30.

Who was the last person of the opposite sex to text you? My brother.

Can you make yourself sneeze? No. Tilting my head back and looking at a bright light doesn’t seem to work for me.

What is your current mood? Blah.

What are you doing tomorrow? Same stuff, different day.

Who was the last person to sleep in your bed besides yourself? I’m the only one.

Do you think you would make a good boyfriend/girlfriend? Not at this time, no.

Where were you at 9am this morning? I was in bed, asleep.

Whose bedroom were you in last? I’m in mine. Do you think you’ll be a good mother/father? I don’t want to have kids.

Do you talk to the person you like everyday? I’m not interested in anyone right now.

Do you have trouble deleting your text messages? I’ve never had a reason to delete them.

Is there something that you haven’t told anyone that you actually would like to tell someone? Ehhhh.

Would you rather rent or buy movies? I like watching them through a streaming service.

What is the best part of your own body? Nothing.

Would you rather watch a full season of American Idol, or So You Think You Can Dance? American Idol, I guess.

Do you like to take walks? No.

Have you ever gone anywhere for spring break? Yeah, my former best friend and I took a few small trips.

Do you worry a lot? Yeppp.

Would you rather have big or small dogs? Medium dog.

Do you mind being cold? I much prefer it to being hot. I like wrapping up in a blanket or lounging around in a sweatshirt or drinking a warm drink.

What is your favorite sports drink? I don’t drink any sports drinks.

Do you keep a diary or journal (offline or online)? This is it.

What is your favorite candy? White chocolate.

Do you document everything in pictures? Not everything, but I do like taking pictures of things I want to remember and having those memories.

Have you ever waited for something for so long and then had it snatched from right underneath you when it seemed so close to grasp? Yes.

Choose one: being able to teleport yourself anywhere in the world at any given time or being able to fly? Teleport, hands down.

Do you feel more comfortable in public wearing jeans or sweatpants? I’m a leggings gal.

What is something that most people wouldn’t know about you from simply looking at you? I take surveys. <<< Ha, true.

Do you fear growing older? Yes.

Have you ever been called a tease? Yes and I was like wtf? I wasn’t the one leading them on or playing with their emotions like they were. 

Is there something that reminds you of someone every time you see or hear it? Yeah, many things like that with different people.

Do you trust all of your friends? I don’t have any friends.

Does The X-Files theme song give you the goosebumps? It did when I was a kid.

Have you ever taken the batteries out of a Ferbie only to have it come alive in the middle of the night? Omg, that did happen once! Those things were freaky.

Don't you find those black cat clocks with the moving eyes and tail just a little creepy? lol yeah they kinda are.

When things get bad, are you more likely to blame yourself or somebody else? Myself. 

Are most of your friends' biological parents married or divorced? Do you remember those commercials that scared kids into not playing around railroad tracks? No?

Do you ever wish your life was a sitcom, just so all your problems could be solved in thirty minutes? That would be nice.

Have you ever noticed how different everybody's 1st, 2nd, and 3rd bases are? I feel like it’s the same general idea.

Do you tend to set yourself up for disappointment? I’m always expecting the worst case scenarios, so.

Would you ever call a guy back and say, "Oh, sorry. I was taking a hot shower"? No.

Who do you get most of relationship advice from: guys or girls? I used to get it from both. Although, oddly, I was the one people came to for relationship more often and I had none.

Have you ever put your all into someone and got nothing back? Yes.

Do you think that you, personally, have been more shaped by experiences or by people? Experiences.

Do people ever make fun of your religion or lack thereof? Not to me, personally, but yes people do make fun of Christianity.

Have you ever put the television on mute and tried dubbing in new dialogue? No.

Do you say/do things a lot for shock effect? No.

If you were in an iPod commercial, what would you want your background color to be? They don’t make those commercials anymore, but rose gold.

What was the last compliment you gave a guy? I don't know.

Do you usually follow your head, instincts, or heart more? They all play a role, it just depends. I suppose my emotions do probably play a bigger role.

Where do you spend most of your waking time at home? In my room.

Does your jaw ever crack, pop, or lock? It pops sometimes.

With just your life, are you more optimistic, realistic, or pessimistic? Definitely pessimistic.

Is it hard for you to ask for help? Yes.

Have you ever thought of how you would give your kids "the talk"? No. I don’t want to have kids.

Do you ever feel like you're missing out on something? Yeah, life.

Is your high school ANYTHING like the ones in the movies? My high school experience was nothing like that, but I feared it would be going in. Movies never paint high school in a good light.

Are you going to be totally screwed if pigs start flying tomorrow? I don’t recall ever really saying I’d do something if pigs fly or anything like that. I don’t think...

Have you ever finished taking a shower and realize that there are no dry towels? I always grab a towel beforehand.

Do you love listening to sad piano solos? Sometimes.

Was one of your grandpas in a war? My paternal grandpa was.

Did you ever actually try to find the end of a rainbow? As a kid, I’m sure.

Are you afraid of jinxing things? Sometimes. 

Do you ever write/draw on windows that are fogged up? I did that as a kid.

If you were married, and your spouse's parents became ill, would you let them move into your home? I’m very close with my family so I would certainly understand and would want to do what we could to help. 

Have you screamed in a pillow before? For sure.

If a guy put his jacket on a puddle for you, would you actually walk on it or just look at him like he was crazy? lol aww I would be like you really didn’t have to do that now your jacket is all wet and dirty. We can just go around. I’m in a wheelchair, so that wouldn’t do much good anyway lol.

Would any of your friends dress up like a cow for a free chicken sandwich from Chikfila?

What do you like more, acoustic or electric? Acoustic.

Have you ever ordered something off a commercial on television? Nope.

What do you notice more, somebody's eyes or smile? Smile.

Did you actually have a cookie jar? We did when I was little.

Have you ever put on a shirt that came straight out of the dryer? Yessss. I love that.

Sometimes, does it feel like your life isn't going anywhere? That’s exactly how I’ve felt these past few years.

You've reach a fork in the road, do you go left or right? Hm. Right.

Do you ignore people when you're mad/upset with them? Not flat out ignore, but I become distant and short. I don’t initiate conversation with them.

What's worse, having someone mad or disappointed in you? Disappointed, definitely.

Have you ever gotten up early the next morning to do homework or study? Yes, but I usually just stayed up late and finished instead. I didn’t want to risk waking up late or running out of time and stressing about it.

Do you still consider Pluto a planet? I always still include it. 

Right now, are you at a high, leveled, or low point? “And I’m at an all time low low low low low low low....”

When things go from bad to worse, have you ever been afraid of what kind of person you would be when it was all over? These past few years have made be become someone I absolutely do not want to be. :/

Do you honestly believe that good things come to those who wait? It can for some. Sometimes it seems like people are really just handed stuff with minimal to no effort, but generally speaking you have to work at it. I don’t think you can just sit around waiting, you have to get up and do it. And that’s something I need to do. I go on about how each year nothing changes and I’m worried about wasting away and doing nothing with my life, but I am doing anything to try and change that? Am I taking any steps? 

What do you bite on more, your tongue, lip, or nails? I’m always biting my lips. I pick at my nails constantly, but I don’t bite them.

Have you ever wanted to fast forward your life so you could see if it was worth it? Sometimes, but I’d be afraid to actually do that if given the chance.

Do you think that knowing when and how you're going to die would ruin your life? I really don’t want to know.

Did you ever feel bad for Tom and Sylvester? Jerry and Tweety did often tease and provoke. You can’t help but feel kinda bad for Tom and Sylvester sometimes. 

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

Athenas Masterpost

This is going to cover everything Athenas, like the official page and trailer, both new trailers, the art book preview, and some stuff shown in the ign trailers. It’s a lot.

There will NOT be endgame spoilers in this post. If there’s anything that comes up that I want to discuss, you can find it in a spoiler post I’ll be making soon :) I DO discuss a thing that occurs during the first 3 hours of BL3, though I think that’s pretty okay with y’all lol

tl;dr: there’s too much to summarize. 13 days until bl3. lmao im screaming on the inside.

“A misty, tranquil planet that has recently attracted the wrong kind of attention. Athenas is mostly uninhabited, save for a sect of monks known as the Order of the Impending Storm who have made their home in the high peaks of the mountains. What secrets do they guard here, inside ancient walls that were built long before humans set foot on Athenas?”

We definitely got a lot less info for Athenas than the other planets, and I can see why. They want to keep it mysterious.

Also, I’m not saying I totally called it that the pyramid was Eridian, but I totally called it. I am surprised it’s implying that the entire area was built by them, but what can ya do 🤷‍♂️

Anyway, since this post is long overdue, let’s just jump right in!

The Athenas video is nearly half the time of the Eden-6 one, so there’s not a lot to cover unfortunately:

We’ve seen this shot multiple times before

also the emphasis that Athenas is ‘tranquil’ and ‘peaceful’ ahahahaha no it’s not.

i love these dudes! Order of the Impending Storm!!! I wonder if their funky goggle things have anything to do with Sirens, like how they have Siren-trackers. I also really love their outfits. lowkey want one of these robes.

a great overview look of the area leading up to the pyramid. I got more to say about this... but it’s probably best if i leave it for later on in the post after we get more info

also, note the water and the rocks and stuff on the left there. This will come into play later... not even in this post. a later post.

also i totally called this being an ancient aliens reference lol

Vault logo on the flag there. definitely shows how much these guys worship the Vaults

This!!! I have so much to talk about here!

alright so now that we know what the vault keys look like.... this doesn’t appear to be part of any of the Vault Keys we’ve seen. especially not the Promethean one. not even the pyramid shaped one.

im mostly interested in this because this is obviously a monk, her robes match the ones we saw above with the hood. she doesn’t appear to be Eridian because we’ve seen the Watcher and the other Guardians, who are built in the image of the Eridians, and she looks wayyy too human. We’ve also seen statues of the Eridians in that one shot of the Pandora temple.

so it seems like the monks have gone inside the pyramid before and... built this statue? for some reason??? It’s interesting that she has an extra pair of arms as well. I wonder if she is like the Siren ancestor of Amara. which could prove my theory that the next successor of Amara would have another set of arms... it might also explain why Amara’s tattoos are everywhere on the buildings (outside of her being the Tiger)

it would also explain this shot, the skeleton with the book, which we now know we’ve seen before with Maya:

so even though they’re protecting the pyramid/temple, i don’t think they’ve been avoiding it entirely- at least not for the first time after discovering it. maybe they stopped going in after they discovered something bad, somethin like iunno... the Rampagers?

it would be Really Weird if the Eridians built that statue, especially when they probably didn’t know what humans looked like at the time. unless of course they helped shape humanity or smth. meaning they probably personally created Sirens. oh that’d be wild... i wonder if we’re going to learn about how early Sirens shaped humanity in that case. discovering fire could be entirely different lol

“hallowed land” 

i wonder if this is where we’ll have anointed gear explained to us... i imagine the order is still worshipping Eridian/Siren stuff, so them having all sorta knowledge of this stuff would make sense

more Maliwan. you guys notice we see cultists purely on Eden-6 (outside of the crashed ship), but Maliwan purely on Athenas? a mix on Promethea, tho that’s bc we’ve actually gotten gameplay. 

So my guess is Maliwan has joined up with the cult (be it through whatever means: Maliwan is in) and they’re looking for the Promethea key. which makes sense. they’re attacking Rhys on Promethea, so when he helps us out, word probably gets back to Maliwan (somehow) and they swap from wanting to take over Atlas (either by defeating them w/ Zer0/that giant space laser/whatever or just changing priorities) to wanting to open that fuckin Vault. Teaming up with the CoV is the best way to ensure that happens. I’m sure there will oodles of betrayal going on between the two parties.

I LOVE THESE THINGS

THEY’RE AMAZING

GOOD BOYS

in all seriousness, actually, im curious why we don’t see these good boys on Promethea. maybe they’re only for the top-tier squads? (mechanically, probably higher-level enemies) they look super high tech, so i would not be surprised if Maliwan thought Atlas would be an easy takeover so they didn’t send everything they could have

Nog! not much to say here tbqh

“Protect Athenas Before It’s Too Late”

I imagine before Maliwan gets the Vault Key or some other wild power, like power over the Rampagers. seriously, in the We Are Mayhem trailer, there’s a rampager are fighting on the side of Maliwan (altho if this is The One Rampager, or just One of Many is hard to tell. it could morph depending on which element it is. we just don’t know. personally i think there’s 1 per planet... i’ll explain later)

From the Art Book Preview:

Alright yes. “Maliwan forces have already seized control of the monastery, where part of the Promethean Vault Key has been located, turning a simply recovery mission into a vicious firefight...... A large and foreboding crypt built into the side of the mountain was also designed, and might perhaps have housed the Vault Key fragment deep within its gloomy interiors”

i don’t think this means the crypt is like an actual area. it would be interesting to discover that the pyramid is a giant crypt because... jesus. it would fit with the whole pyramid theme, at least. altho im wondering if this is more like a labyrinth situation where they’re trying to keep a Rampager inside as well as the treasure... which MAY be a Vault Key Fragment

Actually, this brings up a great point: did Atlas spread the Vault Key out throughout the planets? Is this where Typhon originally found that Key fragment? wtf was in the Vault that Atlas needed to disassemble the Key and return its fragments? oh boy i hope it’s something scary

From the Moze Eden-6 E3 Gameplay:

oh ye this. okay so this is definitely 100% Eridian. I’m guessing we get this from Athenas because this seems like a fairly important object and, well, Athenas is all about Eridian stuff. When we go through the next few videos, keep an eye out for the temples. You’ll see the glowing red diamond shape constantly reappearing there.

one of the devs admitted that there are hunks of Eridian Writing left around the world that will ‘open up’ things for the players, so I imagine this is exactly what we’ll use to get to it. If this IS only for endgame stuff I’ll be slightly disappointed. I know we have access to this before Eden-6, since there are gameplay videos that show the player breaking the Eridium chunks with this thing. the above one is from the Moze Eden-6 gameplay, tho I’ve also seen newer footage from the Balex gameplay with this same tool

The following clips can be found in this video:

im mostly interested in the wall art here

what looks like a sun or a planet

this symbol which makes an appearance elsewhere

these two are the same area, im imagining this is the fight up to the pyramid, with Maliwan forces and barricades everywhere

the sun again in the background (middle top)

this cool piece (bottom left of the above pic) which looks like a hand covered in glowing blue. i imagine this is some sorta representation of Phaselock? mainly because of the blue orb in the palm of her hand

not much to say about this area tbh. looks like a residential area to me, so possibly not in the residential district

writing on the top mid-right. 

idk why i just noticed these trees are green and not red but yeah, that’s interesting. so probably a different area from Amara’s trailer aka: not Partali

and yet we see amara’s tattoos on the building in the back right. sorry for such terrible quality btw, tumblr ate these images and spit them back out

These clips can be found in the Borderlands are Yours trailer:

looks like the small building we see directly next to Maya and Ava

altho very clearly not the same exact area so im curious what these are supposed to represent. tbh im kinda reminded of graveyards. i really hope there aren’t corpses in those omg

another better look at the two pieces of art. i imagine the one on the right has something to do with the eridians given its in a diamond shape, which we know has something to do with the eridians now

also im not playing amara first (possibly last. depending on how i feel fl4k may go last) but HOLY SHIT her action skills are beautiful

THIS FUCKER

i know he’s probably a vault monster but like... 

idk i feel its kinda sad gearbox is showing off a VAULT MONSTER of all things in so much promo material. like why is he fighting with Maliwan/the cult in the We are Mayhem trailer??

sup with that?

does he have multiple stages?? is that’s why he changes elements? goes from two heads to wings to extended necks. like wtf is up with this guy?? he definitely looks like he can be elementally charged given his eye sockets aren’t glowing when he emerges like they do

here but then

this dude looks like he has an entirely different skull like...

this dude is a corrosive one who also seems to be working with Maya (who i guess IS probably the corrosive aligned siren)

and we’re guessing the nuclear charged one is the one from Athenas... for reasons i’ll explain below

AND honestly i've been thinking and maybe the fire one is actually from Promethea? and maybe there’s another that’s on Eden-6 and another on Pandora?

alright so i have 2 reasons for this. one involves spoiler talk with the cloth map, so that won’t be discussed here (but if you see the map and the planets, you’ll understand what i’m alluding to here, most likely). the other is that in this screenshot of all the quests from the Eden-6 demo:

we see immediately after “hostile takeover” is the quest “the impending storm”. which is, indeedy, a reference to the Order of the Impending Storm. We know they’re on Athenas, so I imagine we run over to Athenas to get part of the Vault Key. We’ve established from the art book that’s where it is.

but then after The Impending Storm, Space-Laser Tag (which we all know is that giant-ass laser thing in the asteroid belt), and Atlas, at Last, there’s a quest called Beneath the Meridian.

And we know this area... is definitely underground. we’ve seen with the fire-y boy that the ceiling is just rocks

then we see this shot with the nuclear (?) one where the window outside is clearly showing off mountains/sky, which we know is kinda Athenas’s deal

and we know these two areas are the same v ^

since there’s the same ‘Vault’ in the background

so my only problem with this entire theory that there’s multiple rampagers is that

we see the twins killing/absorbing the red/fire one’s power which is also on athenas since the background is the same as the vault area from the above two pictures. unless there’s a similar vault-thing on promethea and eden-6. we know there’s one on Pandora, but that one is outside so.

so i guess they are the same beasty boy but... why why why show us one of the vault monsters

it’s so cool going in blind and not knowing what you’re going to get out of it.

so im going to say this is a minor vault monster (especially given it’s not exactly the same rock-like design as the other vault monsters) and the ‘vaults’ are actually something smaller. maybe they hold keys, or the pieces of the keys, or they’re part of that teleportation network i keep talking about (and i guess i should just make a seperate post about it) but i don’t know if these are actual Big Boy Vaults. especially when the Rampager doesn’t match actual Eridian-created Vault Monsters

that said given we see a bunch of dead guardians on the floor, its possible the rampager killed them? but i get the feeling we might actually be the ones to pull the trigger cause... combat is fun

so. yeah. if the rampager is guarding something that’s fine. i wanna believe teleportation network. i’d love to see the twins come in, walk out of that vault, absorb the rampager’s powers, and then walk out after locking us in like ‘peace’ and we have to use the teleportation system to make it back to promethea with the vault key fragment or whatever

[im here after the cloth map reveal like... uh huh. i see. u dumb bitchard.]

idk i just thought this was a fun screenshot lol

BoRdErLaNdS

ah yes

that’s eridium

this also appears to be in the temple, but, like, again if there’s more than one temple this could also be on Pandora or even Eden-6. Kinda leaning towards Pandora. HOWEVER since we only know for certain this sort of temple area is on Athenas (from that one statue shot), we’re gonna analyze this bad boy right now (also lowkey think this is Pandora because of the varkid nests but shhh)

what do i actually have to say about it? uhhh not much tbh. i think i’ve said all that needs to be said concerning the twins mutating cultists with slag/eridium. 

i will say im pretty shocked at, like, the eridium HORNS and shit. so maybe this is just some cool little miniboss. (okay not mini because look how big he’s gotten!! just like Bloodwing :D)

you know what, it looks like he’s standing on one of these

floor tile things, and now im super curious. is the fire part of a trap? is it powering this lad up? i definitely know he’s a cultist because he’s got the neon light tubes on his shoulder pad

see here

you can see these on other cultists like goliaths and such and such

also this is pretty similar to what we’ve seen in the LLE (especially the powersuits) given their bodies also form eridium crystals when they’ve ascended

i feel like its powering him up

you know during the fight with bloodwing when Jack powers up bloodwing using the elemental flamethrower things? would be interesting if this is similar to that.

like dis

yeahhh

the radiation boy is back and he’s actually elementally charged this time

huzzah

also i love the chest mouth lmao

has anyone here seen stretch armstrong? like that one episode where Gabe (crostini man) gets turned into a bunch of flexarium monster chunks

but yeah, awesome mouth my guy.

im curious if it’s being elementally charged to cryo or if it’s stopped being charged. if this is like a cutscene between different stages in the fight, etc etc. 

this also looks fairly similar to this area here

but red this time. which... may tie into the elemental stages. which maaaaay tie into those floor platforms elementally charging that demon baby up above. bloodwing 2.0!

You can find the following clips in the Official Guide to the Borderlands:

god i keep telling myself to be on the lookout for athenas clips but i get so distracted by the gorgeousness of this fucking game i forget and have to keep going back

if that dude in the back floating was t-posing i would have lost my shit

new Siren tattoos!!! we haven’t seen these before. they’re very flowy, i love them. i hope we get to meet the siren with them!

i also loooooove this area in the back. i hope we get to climb it and explore. i would love to just be able to climb to high up areas in bl3 and look down and see the area i just came from. it’s possible! we have the technology! thousand cuts / bnk3r ascension 2.0!!!

more of amara’s awesome looking powers

zane has 2 trans pride skins im so happy 😄

also look at how teeny tiny that ‘Vault’ is in the back!!! it’s only like 2x the size of Iron Bear!!! gimme BIG vaults!! GIANT VAULTS

also also

the VOID vault

i get a feeling these are connected somehow.

sniper spoooot

not much to say about this tbh. zane’s claw things look fucking dope tho. i want one irl.

we’ve seen this shot a few times before already

alright before you get mad, let me explain why i think this is athenas

you see this picture

this maliwan jackass. the building to his left is 100% athenas architecture.

the rocks in the top picture look identical to the ones next to him. plus we’ve seen water in the distance of some of the areas of Athenas

it could also be Eden-6 (which honestly i would not be surprised if it is instead) but given the ivy and the rocks i felt it was worthwhile to put in. plus the moving eridian structures are so cool looking. i feel like that’s going to be a puzzle.

oh oh also

maybe that area leads into/exits from here? because they’re both underground in cavern-like areas

but like... it could also be eden-6... because of that one shot of the temple area in the side of the cliff ASDFHDGJFJGFHSD

still radiation charged. 

also seriously this ‘Vault’ is wayyyy smaller than a regular Vault. like... the one in BL2 that you can walk right up to... huge. and nothing even comes out of it. the Warrior climbs up from over the edge

the bl1 is much bigger than this one, too. also the vault of the traveller, i would argue is the biggest out of all of them but eh

for the Vault of the Sentinel, the actual arch we see... i’ve already gone over why i don’t think that’s a ‘real’ vault and that its all more of a simulation, but you can read that whole thing here bc i am trying my damndest to not get off topic for this post because holy fucking shit. this got long.

Alright so. Onto the website pictures

another cool shot of the academic district, really showing off the pyramid in the background. god i wanna know what that is. could be the temple (underground things notwithstanding). it’s probably holding that statue with the vault keys in either arm

you know the one, it’s at the beginning of this post. but damn that thing is huge!! i am hoping it holds more than just the promethean vault key. 

did i already talk about how there are siren tattoos written along the edges of this area??? because... damn.

also the symbol for what is probably Vault Key sitting right smack dab in the middle??

also sorry i just noticed those blue shapes are moving. like a fountain or something?? weird light.

i mean... the trees are also warping in the background. wonder wtf is going on here... 

anyway whatever she’s holding actually doesn’t match up with any of the vault keys we’ve seen so... wtf are you???

a very nice shot overlooking the water. also a wind turbine in the background. i think the area on the left is where we’ve seen ava and maya? but dont hold me to that lol

definitely looks the same. even has the tree

another shot of that area i think we’ve seen Amara fighting in

big shot of the pyramid with the vault symbol everywhere. and the planet with the beams coming out of it. which in retrospect...

anyway that’s spoiler talk so let’s talk in another post.

another shot of athenas from a slightly different angle, we’ve seen this one before, too, and i remember because i complemented the road signs

annnnd im tired. good night everybody.

[ginnyzero]

A Reason Why I’m Indie

Traditional publishing isn’t for everybody. And I’ve seen attitudes that if you don’t conform to word counts and genre conventions and all the rules, then you’re never going to get anywhere in publishing/as a traditionally published author. So, I guess you should suck it up and do it. Then, I’m proudly never going to get anywhere.

Before we go any further, I want to make a disclaimer. Agents do hard jobs. They became agents (most of them) because they love books and reading and want to see authors succeed. They don’t get PAID unless an author succeeds. They are as invested in an author’s book as much as the author is. Or, at least, the good ones are. (Yes, there are a few bad apples that you must be aware of.)

BUT

Agents can’t sell your book if there is no one in their contacts/on their list that will buy it for reasons.

And these reasons may not have anything to do with your writing quality, your world building, your storytelling or your creativity. These reasons have everything to do with the publishing world and the little arbitrary writing rules that they impose on well, everything. I’m squeezing my hands together so hard right now my knuckles are turning white because these rules make me angry.

It takes a lot to make me angry. I get frustrated sometimes fairly easily. But angry?

Well, bullshit makes me angry.

I have spent time going through the querying process. I have helped and watched my best friend, writing bff, collaborator and editor go through her querying process. And I have comforted and I have encouraged and I was there for her last night when she figured out that her book was being rejected not because of writing quality and or bad story or because she had unicorns.

Instead, it was being rejected because someone in the last four years decided that the themes of the types of stories she tells belong and only belong to a certain age group category younger than what she writes. And if she wants to write the type of stories she wants to write, the type of stories that she loves and she needed at the YA age level, she would have to change essentially everything about her story that she adores to get it traditionally published.

Or self-publish.

And as we know, self-publishing closes a lot of doors.

All because, she isn’t writing the “correct” theme for the “correct” age group.

And this pisses me off. (My friend is devastated because the book series she’s lovingly crafted and all her other ideas now won’t supposedly work for traditional publishing all without her knowing because someone instituted new rules. She's been in limbo for months over this.)

Because these things aren’t written down anywhere. And if they are, they’re in weird little articles that aren’t being taught in schools because probably the teachers themselves don’t know them. Or, they were things decided in the last half a decade and no one decided to you know, spread the word in such a way that authors querying would hear it.

Or maybe, just maybe, restricting themes to a genre or an age level is such extreme limiting and inappropriate bullshit it needs to be burned in a fire.

-Takes a deep breathe- See. Angry.

There are certain themes and certain plot structures/character constructions that defined or launched each genre. Romance being the most heavily structured in the traditional publishing world (and a lot of indies following the same rules/structure.)

Science Fiction (as we know it) was born out of the Cold War and the space race and the feeling of alienation and how is having world destroying weapons going to guide us as a species. It was a lot of “humans versus alien invaders” ID4 type of storytelling. Shelley’s Frankenstein started it. And there were different views of it in the beginning, Asimov delved into the perils of robotics and space flight. Herbert talked about ecological scifi. Heinlein tended to go political and then time traveling sexual hijinks. Star Trek was Horatio Hornblower IN SPACE.

Fantasy, especially high and epic fantasy, was born of the retelling of old legends, myths and religions and the triumph of the goodness of mankind in the hero's journey. Star Wars and stories like it (Andre Norton, Anne McCaffery’s Pern) merged the two into science fantasy (my favorite.) Urban fantasy became Sherlock Holmes solves/fights crime with vampires, werewolves and the rest of the fantasy kitchen sink.

Just some examples here.

Much of the science fiction I’ve seen on the shelves still follows the formulas of Asimov and Heinlein and Orson Scott Card. The lone soldier against the terrible aliens must fight to save humanity. (In some instances, these are still the top authors hogging all the shelf space, add Herbert and Bova and Brian Sanderson the successor of Robert Jordan and LE Modesitt. And…….. yeah.)

And it’s boring. It’s tiresome. It’s time for a change. Our culture is changing and the media on our shelves isn’t. Tumblr is full of posts about how Earth is Space Australia and aliens that are simultaneously fascinated and accepting of the oddities of humans because their culture isn’t like that! We adopt strange little vacuum robots as easily as we bond to small furry creatures that OMG OMG it could KILL US. (And some not so furry creatures.) We have different types of friends. We do stupid shit for the fun of it. It’s funny. It’s heartwarming. It’s different.

People don’t want angry patriarchal werewolves anymore. They want more than dwarves that just love mining and speak in bad Scottish accents. (Best one I saw was Australian accents actually.) Readers are tired of gratuitous rape. They’re tired of abusive and bad relationships being portrayed as good. Toxic masculinity is getting old as is misogyny. Princesses no longer want to be rescued by dragons, they want to be protected by dragons from being forced into marriages they don’t want. Why must readers go through a sewer when they open a book to escape?

No. Not a lot of these new ideas have conflict or plot. But that’s not really up to the idea thinkers on Tumblr, that’s up to us the writers to see what the idea makers are looking for and come up with plots to fit those settings (if we like those ideas/settings.)

I doubt you’ll find it on bookshelves.

Fantasy has fallen into the grim dark crap sack worlds looking for the next GRRM. Storytelling that hasn’t advanced past trying to emulate Tolkien. Authors that emulate Lackey and McCaffery in the style of romantic fantasy being passed over for grim dark fantasy with assassins and the hot “urban fantasy.”

And understandably, Urban Fantasy is pretty new. LKH and Jim Butcher and other writers like Kim Harrison, Seanan Mcguire and Patty Briggs have been instrumental in making urban fantasy a ‘big deal.’ And I’ve read a lot of urban fantasy and finally I had to give up. I couldn’t take it anymore. Because it was all the same thing in different trappings. And I’m down for the same thing in different trappings to an extent. I really am. I’d just hope that at some point we can have more than Urban Fantasy mysteries. But no one is selling them on traditional shelves because publishers decided that Urban Fantasy people SOLVE CRIME is what the genre is.

This kills innovation coming to publishing houses. We see it in movies as well as books, new ideas, good ideas, are being passed over for the rehash of something from 20 to 30 years ago. (Think closer to 60 for some scifi, more for fantasy.) Because publishers have "genre rules" and are risk adverse because 'what if it doesn't sell?'

There are writers out there that are willing to turn themselves into pretzels to make their story fit a certain word count, a certain genre theme or follow these arbitrary rules to “get their foot in the door” and then they are told and believe that “once they are established” they can “break/bend the rules.”

It’s a lie. It’s a tasty lie. It’s so good of a lie you want to believe it. You want to delude yourself that “if I pretend I’m a man, get my book under 80,000 words, follow the exact conventions of my genre, that one day I’ll get big enough to break all of the rules and innovate my genre.”

That’s when you’ve sold your soul to the devil. You’ve stripped yourself of all your self-respect in order to chase that dream of the “traditional publishing deal.”

Indie is pushing back at traditional in good ways and in bad ways. Traditional with either adapt or continue its pushing back and rigidly holding onto the genre structures it has to its own downfall. The readers will decide on what they want to see/read. That, as an indie author is no longer my problem and completely out of my control.

My problem remains with the fact that traditional publishing houses, and agents aren’t being open and honest about their expectations for these genres that they’re pushing onto shelves. Get together. Form a consensus. Get that information out to authors by putting it on agent websites/blogs. Don’t expect newbies to just know it.

We’ve had enough dream crushing. Being rejected is difficult enough. There are enough gates to go through and hoops to jump. Don’t make lack of information that “everybody knows” yet another one. It's about doing the right thing. Anyone can write a fiction book. Anyone. There is no degree necessary. So, do the right thing, the moral thing and be clear about expectations for what you represent and the "rules" of the genre on your website where querying authors can find it.

(There is going to be writer blaming going on here. Writers/Authors aren't at fault. They can't know this if they aren't told it. You can't just "know things" out of thin air. If there is an expectation, then state the expectation clearly and where it's easily found. As agents, as publishers, putting the information out there that will get you the material you want to read and can sell to publishing houses to make it to stores is on you, not the writer. /soapbox)

Now, if you’re a lucky sod and not like me and does write in the box and naturally writes inside the box. Then, you know what, I’m happy for you. Honestly, my life as an author would be so much easier if I could write “X the werewolf solves crime and saves the world.”

I can’t. It’s not in me.

My job as a writer is to put out the best story that I believe in as a person. A story that is true to me, my feelings, my life journey and what I want to see on shelves/would want to read. If that story has too many genres mixed up, doesn’t follow genre conventions, is too long, isn’t the right “theme” or focuses on the wrong thing for the wrong age group, then, fine, it’s probably never going to be traditionally published. I can deal with that.

I’ll self-publish. I’ll continue to self-publish. I’ll be indie despite the reputation that comes with being indie. I’ll do the work to get my books out there to the world and appreciate the few readers I have and support my indie friends even if it's just with a "you can do it. Hang in there. I'm rooting for all of you." Because, it's all I can do and can control.

I still reserve the right to be mad. Cause that's my friend.

[tony-starkrogers]

Stevetony Fic Rec: Recently Read

I’ve read soooooo many good stevetony fics recently that I felt like I just had to rec some? Most of these fics I’ve never seen before and I couldn’t figure out how I hadn’t read them yet and I love finding new fics that are so amazing I just have to share them! So here’s my big long list of recs, feel free to add more in the comments! I will also post a rec list of tumblr fics too, since you all are so talented so.... more to come!

What We Deserve (T | 4k by Wordsplat)

Summary: Tony is certain he knows exactly what's going on between him and Steve. (Spoiler alert: he doesn't.)

My rec: High school au! Ft oblivious Tony and pining Steve. Actually, there’s more than enough pining to go around, it’s super cute and gives you all the awkward high school feels.

Be Somebody Else (The Mask and Mirror Remix) (T | 4k by Sineala)

Summary: When Tony invites the Avengers to a superhero-themed costume party, Steve knows exactly who he's dressing up as. He can't bring himself to ask Iron Man for assistance, so instead he turns to the man who makes the armor. Tony is more than willing to help Steve with his Iron Man costume -- and in the process, Steve learns a little more about the man behind the mask.

My rec: omg when I first saw this I was like “ok it’s a Halloween fic by Sineala, I’m going to read the shit out of this!” And yes, it’s just as good as you think it is.

And Then There's You (T | 6k by someonelsesheart)

Summary: and it’s funny that they’re like this, isn't it, because there's Tony, too-clever and too-fast, always having to be moving, selfish and desperate and cruel, and then there’s Steve with his kindness, his slow smile and his patience, selfless and calm and kind to everything and everyone. They’re fire and ice, good and bad, and somehow, somehow, it works.

Or, Steve Rogers teaches Tony Stark how to love, one year at a time.

My rec: This fic is a high school au focusing on Tony’ s early years. It’s Tony-centric, and the characterization is spot on. It’s also really beautifully written - another great work from this author!

Night Out (T | 1k by MusicalLuna)

Summary: Steve takes Tony out for their first date. The world is soft and shining and Tony thinks he'd like to stay this way forever.

My rec: I loooove first date fics and this is the cutest thing ever, they are both so soft and adorable in this fic.

Dangerous Kitchen Tools (E | 18k by ladyshadowdrake)

Summary: Engineering prodigy, billionaire, and heir to the Stark Industries empire, Tony Stark turned the business world on its head by opening a restuarant and burying himself in the kitchen. Years later, he covers an informal evening cooking class for his friend and fellow molecular gastronomist, Bruce Banner, where he meets famously camera-shy comic artist Steve Rogers.

My rec: a cooking au!!! This is my cup of tea. Tony is a famous cook and Steve is an comic artist taking a cooking class, which is brilliant imho. Also it is super hot.

Flower Child (T | 24k by itsallAvengers)

Summary: The point was this, though:In a hundred million universes, in a hundred million different lives, there would never be a single one of them in which Tony Stark deserved anyone like Steve Rogers. Ever.So this? Nonsensical.

My rec: soft!tony in this fic is adorable! I love the characterization and the backstory here is really good. So much fluff!

see a thing a thousand times (T | 27k by Mizzy)

Summary: Whoever came up with the rule that SHIELD agents in modern times had to be a certain age should be shot. Obviously the solution is for Steve to travel back in time. (If only things were ever that easy.)

My rec: a different kind of high school au with a side of time travel! I love fics where being with Tony makes Steve realize that he wants to stay in this time, and this fic does that really well.

A Wish Your Heart Makes (T | 4k  by Wordsplat)

Summary: Tony's magical night has a few restrictions. Thankfully, his friends are amazing and his prince is exceedingly persistent.

(Very vaguely a Cinderella AU.)

My rec: It’s a high school prom fic! If you can’t tell, high school aus are my favorite, and I love the Avengers as a friend group in this fic.

you really got me (and you shook me all night long) (T | 3k by shieldmaidenofrohan)

Summary: The one where... Tony and Steve are classroom neighbors, and the whole school ships it.

My rec: a teacher au! With post-it conversations and lots of pining (in a good way).

Iron Chef  (T | 4k by MemoryDragon)

Summary: Natasha has a broken leg, Tony is in the kitchen cooking, and Steve has a crush he's not sulking about. Chicken soup must be good for the soul, right?

My rec: Tony is feeling guilty (completely unnecessarily ofc) so he cooks (bc that’s totally logical right?) a really cute cooking fic that’s pretty close to early mic canon.

The T-Shirt Means I Love You (G | 1k by laireshi)

Summary: "You’re wearing my clothes.”

Steve wants to take the words back as soon as he said them, because obviously Tony isn’t wearing his clothes, Tony’s not wearing any clothes, Tony’s an artificial intelligence, but Steve wishes Tony were corporeal and wearing his clothes, preferably in his bed.

My rec: AI Tony!!! Steve with a crush! I love it! If you haven’t read the comics it probably won’t make much sense but you can still get by because why wouldn’t you want to read this fic???

Saving You (The Promises Kept Remix) (T | 1.5k by laireshi)

Summary: Tony knows Steve’s weak spot, and he knows that it’s him. For once, it’s not a scary thought, because he will do exactly what Steve asked him to do: he will fight, he will try, and he will succeed in bringing Steve down.

Because he loves Steve, and because Steve loves him, too.

My rec: mmm another great 616 fic by this author (seriously go read everyone they’ve ever written, you’ll love it). Getting Steve back from Hydra-Cap with lots of feels.

Lovesick (T | 3k by royal_chandler)

Summary: The depth of the flu aisle in the pharmacy is substantial, overwhelmingly so, and Steve is half-convinced he needs to return to the front and trade his basket for a full-on cart.

My rec: a super cute sick!fic! Steve takes care of a sick Tony and has lots of feels about it.

Let Me Be Your Good Night (T | 44k by malfoys_cousin)

Summary: Inspired by the prompt: "I was studying at 3am and accidentally locked myself out of my dorm room and you have a job with weird hours so you walked by to see me sitting by my door crying in my pajamas. Help me I'm a wreck."

Alternatively: Tony does not function without caffeine. He just doesn't.

My rec: college au! Tony is an oblivious (but loveable) idiot who really loves coffee (and Steve).

Anti-Virus (G | 4k by marinarusalka)

Summary: Steve didn't think he could get sick any more. He was wrong. Tony didn't think of himself as the caretaking type. He was wrong too.

My rec: sick!fic ft adorable Tony taking case of a sick Steve.

Ten Romantic Valentine's Day Ideas for Busy People (M | 3k by BlossomsintheMist)

Summary: Steve and Tony do their best to celebrate Valentine's Day together. They're busy and it's not perfect, but it ends up surprisingly romantic all the same.

My rec: valentine’s day fic! This is steamy hot and gives you all the good feels. Established relationship and they are so in love!

Be No Stranger (All Your Saints and Soldiers Remix) (T | 6k by jibrailis)

Summary: That's the twenty-first century love song, baby. Glitz and glamour and every one of us is a liar.

My rec: I love this fic sooooo much! A difference kind of time travel fic, where Steve gets stuck in Tony’s past and Tony has to go through different times in his life to find Steve and get him back. It’s amazing, go read it!

Tagging some people who might be interested: @nasafic @sabrecmc @itsallavengers @ishipallthings @goodmorningbeloved @sineala

[purplesurveys]

418

Girly Do you like the color pink? It’s my favorite color. My phone case, wallet, purse, expander, water jug, two notebooks, backpack, pencilcase, clipboard, and paper clips are all pink. What have you spent more money on: a purse or a pair of shoes? Definitely shoes. I have one purse but I didn’t even spend on it, as it was a gift from my tita who was coming over to the Philippines. Do you ever wear heels? I have pairs of heels but people in the PH are so conservative and judgy that you can’t really dress up without them looking at you. As much as I want to wear my heels to places, I can only do so when I go to parties or other special occasions. What are the most stylish but uncomfortable shoes you own? I dunno, I find all of them pretty comfortable. Do you have any shoes you mostly only wear for photo shoots? No...I never have any photoshoots.

What's your all-time favorite lipstick (brand and color)? I don’t do makeup. Do you buy drugstore make-up or high-end make-up? What dog breed do you think you look the most like? Hahahahahahaha what omg

Do you like light blue jeans or dark blue jeans better? Light blue. I think they’re more trendy at the moment. What are your favorite type of pants to wear? I like my high-waisted ripped jeans! They’re super casual and can match any top. I wear it if I just want a chill day. What's the last good love story you read? I haven’t read those in a hot minute. Who is/was the most romantic of your friends? Jo I think, but I’m pretty sure it would be JM if he finally finds someone. Have you ever had a magical kiss? Always. Do you like kissing or hugs better? Hugs!!! Retro Do you own any records? No. I don’t have a turntable to play them on. Do you own a pair of bell-bottoms? Also no. I was never a fan. Have you ever tie-dyed anything? We had to tie-dye a shirt for a project in like sixth grade, but I’ve never done it just because I felt like it. What's one oldies song you like? We Didn’t Start the Fire. Do you think Disco is a cute name for a boy? Not at all. Poor kid. Do you own a lava lamp or disco ball? I own neither, but I wanted my own lava lamp really bad when I was like 14. Did you own a disco light when you were younger? I don’t think I did. Have you ever put a dime in a jukebox? Haven’t. The few times I ate at Johnny Rockets they had a jukebox, but I didn’t go near it because I was shy. When was the last time you went to the roller rink? We don’t have any here. Do you wear hoop earrings ever? I have a pair of clip-on hoop earrings I wear at least once a week. Do you own a kaleidoscope? No. I probably did when I was younger. Have you ever done hard drugs? No. Tumblr What are three of your favorite Starbucks drinks? Java chip frappe, caramel macchiato (iced or warm is fine), and peppermint mocha are my go-tos. Do you have photos on the wall in your room? Yeah but they’re nothing like the Tumblr aesthetic you’re probably asking for. I have frames of Audrey Hepburn on one wall and a poster of a Korean actor that I love, but that’s about it.   If you own/owned a Polaroid camera, which color would/do you have? I’ve never had one but my sister just bought her own Instax the other week that I plan to borrow. It’s brown if I remember correctly. Have you ever done a craft with a record? if so, what? No. I don’t think I’d want to put my hands on a record like that either. What's one of the best Tumblr-inspired craft projects you've seen? Meh. I haven’t seen the crafty side of Tumblr since 2010. Do you have a Tumblr account? I wonder. Which do you like better: Tumblr or Pinterest? Tumblr for surveys and memes, Pinterest for ideas. Do you have a mandala tapestry hanging in your home? No...that screams 2014 to me. Do you own any succulents? I never got into plants. Fake succulents or real succulents? Do you doodle on your notebook paper? When I get bored in class, yes. Do you own Sharpies? Mmmm no, I don’t really need them for anything. What's your favorite Sharpie color? What color are your Converse shoes? White. I used to have a pair of red high-top Chucks as tribute to AJ, but I think my mom threw them out already because I stopped wearing them. Have you ever made an inspiration board for your room? No. Who is the best-looking male celebrity? Gregory Peck. Boho Where would you like to travel to next? Thailand or Vietnam, hopefully! List three more vacations you would like to go on. I want to go back to Singapore, then go to those two I mentioned above. Where are three places you go to relax? My room, the beach, a cafe. Are you a musician, artist, or writer? None of these, but writer speaks to me the most. Do you believe in truth, freedom, and love? ...Sure. What is your favorite store at the mall? I don’t have one I normally go to. Would you hitchhike if people were generally trustworthy? If I had the time, yep. What's the most daring thing you've ever done? Every time I overtake or be an ass on the road (because everyone else is) always feels daring lmao. Would you ever belly dance at a faire? No. If you became famous, would you change your name to something exotic? Idk, that’s kinda racist/appropriating. What are five exotic names that you like? What exactly are exotic names???? Do you own a dreamcatcher? Yeah, I have a large one above my bed. Do you feel closer to God in nature? No. Fashion What are five things that were in style when you were in high school? Roshes, ripped jeans, crop tops, statement shirts lmao, and hoodies. What does your favorite scarf that you've made look like? I don’t need scarves and more so have I not made my own. Do you wear scarves? No. It’s too hot for scarves. List the different colors of jeggings and/or skinny jeans that you have. White, black, dark blue, light blue, khaki. What color is your favorite pair of shorts? Black. What color is your favorite sweater? The XXL one Gabie gave me to use whenever I miss her is gray. List five people whom you think have great style. Audrey Hepburn, one of the profs in my college that has an impeccable wardrobe, Kate, Sophia, and tbh my aunts.

List five of some of the worst trends you've seen. I don’t feel like it. List five items on your current wardrobe wish list. More heels, high-waisted shorts, a new jumpsuit, a party dress for the year-end college party in May, and tube tops. Where do you shop the most for clothes? H&M. Do you own anything leopard print? No. Never. Do you wear earmuffs? I don’t need them. What color are your favorite pair of boots? I don’t really wear boots. Music What song makes you cry? Recently, it’s Louis Tomlinson’s singles- at least the ones dedicated to his mom. What could be the theme song to your life? That’s a pretty bold claim...but uhhh probably Misguided Ghosts by Paramore. What is a good break-up song? Walking in the Wind, One Direction. What song makes you want to dance? Any high-energy Beyonce song tbh. What is one of your all-time favorite songs? From Eden, Hozier. What is your current favorite song? Three straight surveys that this was asked. Talk, by Khalid. Which show has a great theme song? I don’t watch a lot of shows, so I wouldn’t know. Which song is so catchy it's easy to get stuck in your head? Depends on my mood and what my head prefers to play at the moment. Which song is used in a lot of youtube videos? Royalty-free ones? Idk. Which song is sad? The entire soundtrack of New Moon lmao. Who makes great song covers on YouTube? I don’t like covers. Who is one of the best songwriters? HOZIER Who has a beautiful voice? Also Hozier. Who made it big fast? Idk, it’s pretty easy to make it big fast nowadays thanks to social media. Arts and Crafts List five DIY youtubers you love to watch. I hate DIY YouTube. Who makes the best craft videos? Have you ever painted rocks and hid them in your town? No. Even if I had the time to, the idea doesn’t sound exciting. What craft project is harder than it looks? All of them, I would guess. Have you ever got hot glue stuck to your hands? Nooooo no no, that’s one of my biggest fears. Are you messy when it comes to painting? I’m messy in and out of painting. What color is your cutting board? Would you rather build something or decorate something? I’d rather buy something that’s already built and decorated. Just really not an artsy person so this category is not for me haha. Have you ever painted something on canvas? Never. I couldn’t, even if I tried. List a few of your favorite painters. Monet. Do you love the brand Natural Life? I don’t think I recognize the name. Do you love the brand Lisa Frank? Yessssss my girl Lisa used to be the bomb dot com. Oil pastels or chalk pastels? Which do you prefer, and why? Oil...they look nicer for me? And I’ve never heard of chalk pastels until now. Glitter gel pens or regular gel pens? Glitter. Colored pencil or regular pencil? Colored pencils, because I love coloring books. Charcoal or colored chalk? Chalk. Charcoal is messy. Painting or drawing? I hate both. Painting that shows brushstrokes or painting that looks like a photograph? I’d rather see the brushstrokes. Knitting or crocheting? I hate them both too. Sewing on a machine or doing embroidery by hand? Color or black-and-white? Color. Digital photography or film photography? Classic film.

[yakumtsaki]

I only call you when it's half past five, the only time that I'll be by your side, I only love it when you touch me, not feel me, when I'm fucked up, that's the real me, when I'm fucked up, that's the real me, BABE ♪

Here we fucking go again, desperately trying to make the fuckboi wolf commit to a serious relationship. My plan to turn Komei into a werewolf crashed and burned last generation and Jojo has had the want locked for like 10 years and it just won’t fucking happen. I’ve never had a non-cheaty werewolf in this game, I don’t know how other people do it but I’m having a ridic hard time with it. Victor’s ghost is judging me and who can blame him.

Speaking of, Shajar’s makeover is this wolf shirt, and yes, full shade intended. I still can’t believe she rolled popularity, way to single out your weakest spot and make it your life’s purpose. I mean that would be like Wyatt rolling fam-  ..nevermind.

UGH. Will you pick a fucking attitude and stick with it you furry asshole??? 

What kind of defective cuck wolf even is this. He won’t befriend us but he won’t attack either, he just sits around with his plastic bone playing house. USELESS. I didn’t know it was possible to hate a digital animal this much..

..but here comes Maxx to defy all expectations. Happy birthday Maxx, you look so wholesome and Lassie-like, I’m sure life with you will be like a vacation!

LOL. Is antagonizing Sophie really how you want to start your adult life, Maxx?? Well I guess having eyes is overrated.

SOPHIE WTF. You beat Victor but can’t take on this flop? Where is your holy warrior spirit??

- I’m old af and starting to worry about my eternal soul, so I’m literally turning the other cheek.

Nice, thanks for nothing. God I miss Victor.

Man, Maxx has ISSUES. He doesn’t even have a mean personality or a bad relationship with the cats, why are you like this you freak??

NOOOO not the fucking pet fight club again omg MAXX YOU DICK

Great, amazing job, Goro! The real Goro is rolling in his grave. All this went down in literally under a minute after Maxx grew up, talk about determination. 

-HA, kneel before Zod!

That’s not even from Mortal Kombat, Maxx, god, can you not make this worse than it is?

-Yea like I give a shit, what am I, some kind of fatass nerd cat?? I’m a dog, bitch, I like running..

Omg.

-And playing outside..

OMG.

-And being affectionate to my owners!

STOP. Christ, what kind of monster have I brought into our lives???

-One day in and I’m already the alpha.. Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? Oh yes, Maxx is.. The best boy. And soon this cat legacy.. will be history.. the Age of Dog.. is finally.. upon us. 

💔💔💔💔💔

Not that we needed further proof that Maxx was given to us straight out of Satan’s unholy womb, but guess who else loves him on top of Cyneswith?? Why, Wyatt, of course, chief of police married to a serial killer, truly the best judge of character the world has ever known. Show me your friends..

..and I’ll show you who you are. UGH DAGMAR

-As a mailwoman I’m programmed to hate your kind, but I feel such a connection between us.. It’s like the universe conspired-

GTFO. Don’t test me, istg I’ll marry you in..

..you actually don’t look half bad compared to what else is out there. Shajar brings Toadface McBooberson here home from school which. why does bigger cleavage clothing even exist for teens and why do I have it, I really need to stop downloading default replacements in the dark. Anyway, hope you’re all ready for the adventure called ‘What is Shajar’s sexual orientation/does she even have one’!

Ugh, this certainly feels familiar. Shajar please, PLEASE fight your Jojo genes, I mean everyone loves Cyneswith, this is shaping up to be Gunter/Jojo volume 2 AND I CAN’T DEAL WITH IT AGAIN

-So, Butterface, my ambition in life is to have my own music theme play whenever I enter a room, like Darth Vader or Mary Poppins-

-Isn’t the sound of people already in the room sighing enough of a theme for you?

-Well it looks like one little frog around here isn’t getting turned into a princess!

Yea, I really don’t know what I expected?? Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it.

Speaking of daddy dearest, let’s check in. How’s it going, Jo? Great? Thought so, ok bye-

-DON’T YOU DARE PAN AWAY AND LEAVE ME TO MY MISERY MY ASPIRATION IS SCARLET RED

I’m sorry Jo but I’m a hear no evil, see no evil, spend-legacy-time-on-no-evil type of bitch and your life just bums me out at this point. But if it’s any consolation, it’s all your fault!

-HOW THE HELL IS IT MY FAULT I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS BULLSHIT

Um, YEA YOU DID. This is generation 2, we’re barely middle class and being heir is quite literally a shit job. Of course you could have minimized the impact had you chosen someone else to marry, but you just HAD to have Wyatt Narcolepsy Monif so.. talk to you later?

-Wyatt I’m worried our ship is sinking and no amount of rotting birthday cake can ease the pain.

-Oui, my estomac hurts toό.. Nothing 14 heures of sleepé won’t remédit of coursé :)

-DIDN’T NEED SUCH A GRAPHIC REMINDER THAT LIFE IS GARBAGE

God, wtf more do you want, 15k and still whining-

-OH. Well this just has Wyatt written all over it, but omg he tried to do a household task, just got confused at the very end. Bravo, leaps and bounds!

Meanwhile Shajar is having a successful interaction with a family member!! It’s a toddler who can’t get away, but whatever, it counts. Looks like this is a game-changing night for everyone.

-YES IT REALLY IS.

Jojo how about you take a page out of Komei’s book and devote your leftover energy to cats or cooking contests or banging Marissa Bendett instead of this constant, obnoxious guilt-tripping?? Man I really didn’t appreciate Komei while I had him.

7 a.m., the usual morning lineup, start on the chores and sweep 'till the floor's all clean, polish and wax, do laundry, and mop and shine up, sweep again, and by then it's like 7:15,  

and so I'll read a book, or maybe two or three, I'll add a few new paintings to my gallery, I'll play guitar and knit, and cook and basically-

-just wonder when will my life begin? ♪

And of course that’s Victor making his nightly appearance and helping put Jojo out of his misery. What a sweetheart!

With the addition of Wulf and his 10 active points generation 3 has officially evolved past sleep, we’re talking 10/10/9 (Shajar you lazy bum) and it’s seriously exhausting. You know how when sims are asleep you can check your phone or eat smth or w/e, yea that’s simply not happening anymore, I’m in constant vigilance all night long..

..and thank god because otherwise I would have missed Allegra and Victor’s ghosts playing??? WTF MAXIS. I’ve never seen this before and it’s the rare combo of sad and adorable. Right in the feels ❤️💔

THAT WASN’T AN INVITATION TO EXPRESS YOUR SADNESS FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME JOJO

Oh “ok” it’s a cockroaches related freak-out. I don’t see anyone else crying over them but that’s Jojo for you. Exterminator bro if you’re that grossed out by a pile of dead insects I have some bad news for you regarding your profession. And while we’re on the topic of professions and crying:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You may recall that Wyatt has been one promotion away from his LTW for about 150 years and all we’ve been doing since is trying to amass the 8 friends needed for it. Welp, we finally got them through our blood, sweat and tears, so what does Wyatt do the day he was supposed to get promoted?? Get fired of course, what else! 

Honestly I’m not even mad, this truly is like the culmination of everything we know Wyatt to be. I mean just cast your minds back to the final moments of this post. We knew what we were getting into. Rock on, Wyatt!

-Nό, there is no disgracéd police capitaine in this maison! Quelle?? I’m not even Français! Et toi shouldn’t be calling personnes at 5 p.m when everyόné is sound asleép!

Time for the black sheep to get the full Kylo Ren treatment. Looking good, Shaj! Now let’s put that hot makeover to use-

-NO.

Here we go, HUMAN contact. Toadface was a bust so let’s try a dude. Shajar do you mind talking about something other than your dead pets??

-But I don’t want to talk about anything else!

Yea and I don’t want to overstate things but I’m getting the distinct feeling finding you a partner is gonna make Daniel’s run at it look like Californication.

Well, the data we’ve gathered so far points to Shajar being a noogiesexual, I’m sure somewhere on tumblr there already exists a pride flag for it. 

That’s right, mop up the dog piss from that grass and think about the face you present to the world.

HOW IS YOUR ASPIRATION GONE TO SHIT AGAIN. WTF ARE YOU DOING WHEN I’M NOT LOOKING, GOING AROUND FACING YOUR FEARS?? JFC

-I have a perma fear of leading the miserable life I’m trapped in.

-Oh look, my kid is potty trainted and I get 5k points.. I’m soooo happy... Definitely don’t miss my serial killer days...

Ok I can’t take this anymore, either Wyatt will have to take up more household duties..

..or we can aim for something within the realm of reality and build a robot servant instead. And if you’re thinkering you’re not whining! Everyone wins.

In the dead of the night, a time when only 12 year old children are awake and watching god knows what-

-Game of Thrones! Team Stark!

Ugh, of course you are-

-Wulf grows up! 

-Woo happy birthday Wulf! Don’t even try to come for my golden child crown, I’m as perfect as my grades.

I don’t like what Game of Thrones is doing to you, Cyn.

First thing Wulf does after his pj makeover is head for the keyboard, which makes the choice for his general makeover clear as day:

Wulf...Wolf...WOLFGANG. I mean, some things are just written in the stars..

..AND SOME THINGS AREN’T, in this case Shajar’s dating life. We get another Butterface McBooberson (wtf is it with this dress in this town) but this one is also sporting terrible hair as a bonus. Score!

Great, we’ve moved from music themes to dead pets to world domination. At least we’re committing to the Kylo persona. Butter 2.0 is into it?? Get a grip girl.

-Um why do you think I have this last century hair? I’m very into monarchy.

This is not only going non-disastrously but dare I say, well?? I can’t tell if I want it to work or not though, on one hand I’ve made my feelings about this face template abundantly clear.. on the other hand this is the first human (except her 10 nice point sister) to like Shaj.. 

..thankfully it looks like there’s no need to solve that dilemma after all. Btw at the time of this writing I literally still don’t know if Shajar is into girls or dudes, or both. No reaction to anyone whatsoever. 

Meanwhile even after the noogie Butter is super receptive and doesn’t hate us? I was as shocked as you are, if we were rich I’d think she has some ulterior motive but nop, it’s just low standards. God bless them-

-cause we made our first friend!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank the fucking lord Shajar’s LTW isn’t friend related, take a wild guess what it is instead.. And of course, the answer is ‘become Mayor’. I can just see the banner now: ‘vote Shajar Union or face the deadly consequences’.

-Ahh my dear, finally, no screaming toddlers ruining my life while you pretend you can’t hear them.. Now I can slowly start un-resenting you.. Maybe there’s hope for this marriage after all..

Not if Cyneswith has anything to do with it! After spending her entire childhood cockblocking by sleeping in her parents’ bed, she literally grew up just as they were about to woohoo for the first time in 10 years. how in character. Wanna know what isn’t in character??? Hold on to your seats, everyone..

............

....................................

..............................................

OK THEN. Much like Wolfgang there is but one appropriate look for the above:

Did anyone think fucking Lolita Cyneswith was remotely possible, let alone probable?? ROMANCE?? And into the elderly???? I thought that combo was bad enough, I mean then you bring in the tinkering factor on top of it and it’s like, Waylon Fairchild and college profs won’t know what hit them.. How naive I was. Things can always, always get worse, and in this family, they usually do. You can probably tell where I’m going with this.. Fast forward a few days and the LTW shows up..

..........................................yup. You know it’s been months and you’d think I’d have articulated a response by now that isn’t just screaming or miscellaneous incoherent sounds, and yet! what can I say, sometimes emotions are so powerful that words fail us. In lieu of a written reaction please listen to this song after the specified time stamp. It’s 3 minutes long and the only lyric is ‘oh no’.

[aminellelia-blog]

Fifty Shades of Grey Parody

This is my very first Tumblr post. I originally wrote this parody last year and posted it on Fanfiction.net, but now I decided to share it here too. If you like Fifty Shades of Grey I recommend you don’t read this story. It’s making fun of it to the fullest extent, because I really don’t like it.

All characters that aren’t part of the original story are covered in bold.

Enjoy!

We pan over Seattle. Bella-err, Anastasia Steele (not sure if it's supposed to be a subtle take on a sex toy) is a cute, clumsy, virginal, college student living there, trying to embody as many of the average female viewers as possible. Spoiler alert: she's less relatable than Bella Swan, which is ironic considering where her flatness originated from.

ANASTASIA'S BOTTOM LIP: OH. EM. GEE. I'm going to be a star!

KATE: Bella, I'm sick, so you'll have to interview that super, hot, sexy, although-kind-of-rapey-but-excused-because-he's-hot guy I was going to interview.

ANASTASIA: I've seen enough porn to know where this is going. YES! I've always wanted to say that line where it made sense.

KATE: Don't push it, girl. You're just interviewing him.

ANASTASIA: And I'm getting a piece of that.

AUDIENCE: Have all innocent-minded asexuals in the world miraculously moved to Mars?

Anastasia finds the bigass building owned by Edward Christian Cullen Grey. Huh, last time I watched *Secretary* he just owned a small office. Blown-up barbie human dolls meet her and is led to the predator's office. Ana, run. RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN, ya dense cow. To be cute, she stumbled over the flat threshold, which I have no idea how you possibly can.

CHRISTIAN: That's so adorable. Wanna have sex?

ANASTASIA: Sex is a tea flavor, right?

CHRISTIAN: Hominah. My name is Christian Grey. While you're on your knees anyway, suck my cock, hoe.

ANASTASIA: What an interesting euphemism for interview. My name is Anastasia St-pff! My friend is sick with the flu and asked me to come here being your next victim in her place. Though, I don't know how a man with toddler eyes could be dangerous.

CHRISTIAN: A slut's mouth shouldn't be moving more than necessary, so get on with your 10-minute interview.

ANASTASIA: Aight. Here's a question every sane viewer asks: How come you are so much richer at a younger age than Mark Zuckerberg was despite not doing shit?

CHRISTIAN: OMG, you stupid, f*cking bitch. How dare you ask me a good question. I can't believe your insolence. Kill yourself.

ANASTASIA: Well?

CHRISTIAN: It's not very relevant, is it? What is relevant is my filthy rich viper up your low-class clam shell.

ANASTASIA: Vipers and clam shells?

CHRISTIAN: Trust me, when it comes to the themes in this film, those are really the best metaphors.

ANASTASIA: Yeah, then...what is your interest outside of work?

CHRISTIAN: Didn't I already answer that? Enough with your audacity. Give me an actual question, if your inferior-to-men mind can afford that, you filthy lowlife.

ANASTASIA: Are you gay? Ain't I cute, reading and spitting out whatever before thinking.

CHRISTIAN: Another good question. What the hell is wrong with you?

ANASTASIA: Morton's Fork is at play, I see.

CHRISTIAN: If you must know, no.

ANASTASIA: Are you a self-serving asshole?

CHRISTIAN: Finally something relevant. Yes, I am. Now, do you have a question you want to ask me instead of your friend's?

ANASTASIA: You've spent this time insulting me and then you ask for my viewpoint. Heh. Okay.

CHRISTIAN: Shut it, hole-to-please-men. I just want to pry and see if you're up for sitting upon this lance or not. Let me give you subtle suggestiveness about it.

ANASTASIA: … You said you're an asshole. Why do I get the feeling that's not true?

AUDIENCE: Because you're numb in the upper story?

A secretary comes in and interrupts the so-called interview. More like a director-to-actor conversation.

SECRETARY: Mr. Grey, you have a meeti-

CHRISTIAN: Are you serious? We only talked for four minutes!

SECRETARY: OH! Yeah. Sorry. My bad. *Leaves*

CHRISTIAN eyes ANASTASIA with a creepy intensity that would rival Hugh Hefner's erection.

CHRISTIAN: I can't be standin' my stupid bitches. At least you seem bland, and that be good enough for me. How about finishin' your finals, then you becomin' my bottom bitch?

ANASTASIA: Throwing away my promising potential future career for becoming a mindless sex slave to a guy who can't stop staring down my vag? I'll think about it. It'll most likely be yes. Who am I kidding, it's yes. Otherwise there would be no plot to speak of.

AUDIENCE: In this case, it would be a good thing.

CHRISTIAN does the rarest thing next to platinum, being an actual gentleman walking ANASTASIA to the elevator. When she walks in, he steals the sheet with questions from her papers without her noticing.

CHRISTIAN: Joinkity-joink!

ANASTASIA walks out, where it conveniently rains. That sex joke was old 20 years ago.

ANASTASIA: Holy Hindu's Cow, that insulting business man made me cream myself, oh so help me. I'm gonna domesticate dat ass.

ANASTASTIA'S VAGINA: Finally, I get to see the light of day!

ANASTASIA'S BOTTOM LIP: LET'S WORK TOGETHER TO TAME HIM!

ANASTASIA'S VAGINA: YAY!

ANASTASIA'S BRAIN: Can I join the party, too?

ANASTASIA'S CLIT: Shove it, punk.

ANA goes home to her and KATE's dorm. KATE is sitting writing their report-thingamajig upon her arrival.

KATE: So how was he?

ANA: Polite, clean, courteous… oh, who am I kidding, he was a douchebag.

KATE: EEEEEE I SHIP IT SO HARD! … did you f*ck?

ANA: Heck, no! I think it will take time getting his misogyny to consent to that. By the way, that "gay" question, total dick move.

KATE: We as a society have to know everything, we can't leave it alone, we have to know every single detail.

ANA: Stop sounding like the 4chan community.

KATE steals ANA'S sandwich she was making.

ANA: You motherf*ck-, you just don't steal sandwiches! You just don't, EVER! Never mind, I will try to get one with the toppings of Grey's mojo… wait did I say that out loud? Holy crap crappity crap crap inner goddess subconscious!

KATE: OMG FAVORITE SHIP OF ALL TIME.

AUDIENCE: … planet Earth sucks.

ASEXUALS: Told ya so!

We get a montage of ANA going to class and meeting her friend JOSÉ when she goes on her way to work.

JOSÉ: Hey, uh… I love you and care about you. I'll show this by being genuinely courteous and caring.

ANA: I'm sorry, but I'm into dicks who want to hurt me by sticking giant Hitachi Magic Wands up my butt. See ya!

JOSÉ: … I can do that, too…

AUDIENCE: DUDE. NO. IT AIN'T WORTH IT.

FAN AUDIENCE: Even we agree.

ANASTASIA gets to her work shift and her phone rings; it's her mother stating she's not coming to her graduat-*yawn* this is not relevant to a wiener pushed up a cooch, so who honestly watching this drivel would give a flying fladoodle? We want action, dammit!

AUDIENCE: Not that we're expecting any worth jacking off to.

CHRISTIAN: *stalking*

ANA: *sees him* Holy shit… I'm so turned on right now.

CHRISTIAN: Pleasant meeting you, future slav- I mean, Ms. Steele…-y Dan. That will be your pet name, oh yeah.

ANA: Just Ana. If you're going to continue stalking me, at least don't be too polite.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, except he was already out of that game to begin with by stalking you. And by being an asshole. And by raping you with his eyes.

CHRISTIAN: Fyi, my sweet ragmuffin, I'm actually here on business. *cough*excepti'mactuallynotandiactuallywantdatass*cough*

ANA: What can I help you with?

CHRISTIAN: Give me some rap- err, rope to strangl- I mean, tie you up- I mean, use erotic asphyxation for- I mean…

ANA: Rope?

CHRISTIAN: … Yeah, rope. Just plain "rope". Let's go with that…

More useless dialogue… Putting in random Tom & Jerry skits would tell the story better.

CHRISTIAN: *senseless flirting*

ANA: *holy-crap-he-talks-to-lil'-ol'-me-blush*

FAN AUDIENCE: Squeeee!111 OMG HE SOH SEXEHH!

AUDIENCE: Quiet! I'm trying to think of a way to excuse myself out of watching this.

FAN AUDIENCE: You just don't get it!

AUDIENCE: Uh, yeah, we do. We really do, pumpkin.

ANA: Thank you for buying at Clayton's, please come again have a great day, bye mmkay!

CHRISTIAN: Here's my phone number. I'm saying I'm offering original photos for your report by giving you this, but it's actually rapist-ese for "I want to penetrate your posterior".

ANA: Thanks come again. *he leaves, beat* I would masturbate now, but I'm so virginal and mentally 12-years old I don't even know how to.

AUDIENCE: Seriously? Just… seriously? Did you get an African circumcision or something?

The poopshoot-photo shoot happen fiddiddlediddlydoo. Of course, he asked her for coffee afterwards, like, the biggest shock since Donald Trump messing up as president… in case you don't get it, not shocking.

CHRISTIAN: Is José your boyfriend?

ANA: No.

CHRISTIAN: Is Paul your boyfriend?

ANA: No.

CHRISTIAN: Then no one will protect you from my sword's impending wrath. Perfect.

ANA: ?

AUDIENCE: The possessive streak isn't a warning signal.

FAN AUDIENCE: Dude, what the hell are you on about?

AUDIENCE: We're just counting the million things not inside Ana's brain. This is one of them, right behind sexual education and common sense.

FAN AUDIENCE: Dude, shut the f*ck up.

AUDIENCE: Nope. You get entertained by this, we get entertained by our thoughts. Win-win.

They go out for coffee. He would much rather do other things involving coffee with her, and I ain't talking about drinking it.

ANA: Woah, scolding hot.

CHRISTIAN: And I would ejaculate if it were all over you burning your skin and making you scream in pain- err, I mean, blow on it. Not just on it, but on my-

ANA: I find you intimidating.

CHRISTIAN: Clever hawk.

ANA: I also find you a high-maintenance obsessed jerk.

CHRISTIAN: Then why do you find me interesting?

ANA: The plot wants me to.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, right. So anyway, your family, what are they like? They must be just as interesting and colorless as you. (Finally got that pesky getting-to-know-her-question out of the way…)

ANA: My dad Ray is cool, and my mom is a romanti-

CHRISTIAN: Jab, jab jab. You?

ANA: Am I romantic? I'm an English major, so yes, I am. Because you have to be a linguist to be able to be passionate with words, and your entire personality hinges on your occupation. Also, this is a complete lie. I'm not romantic. I can't be if I'm lusting after you. But I like to think I am.

CHRISTIAN: *ahw shiet look* I can't deal with delusional dumbasses right now. Come, I'll walk you out, you can't do it yourself.

ANA: Because I'm so stupid?

CHRISTIAN: No, because you're a girl.

AUDIENCE: 100 million. 100 million dollars… *sob*

They go outside for the closest thing this movie can have for DRAMA. The scene is a bigger insult to the word than Ana's wet stain in her panties.

ANA: Look, if you have a girlfriend…

CHRISTIAN: I don't. I'm just going to pretend to have a shred of humanity in me by giving you one last warning that I'm everything you can't want, not that moronic girls like you like bad boys and will want to come back to them. Because this movie likes degrading women and making men into domineering overlords, in case you couldn't tell.

ANA: …OMG I'm going to sob and think about you and watch Nicholas Sparks films while eating chocolate ice-cream and be such a chick about it OMG boohoo! *runs off*

CHRISTIAN: …dammit, I'm horny now. Better find a prostitute.

AUDIENCE: I hope to find something to jack off to myself. Like the bicycle that just ran by and almost hit Ana in the shot.

FAN AUDIENCE: Jeez, you're still going?

ANA and KATE finished their exams and now they're going to party, because assuming you got passed in an exam without knowing first is cause for celebration. And, of course, along with being virginal like a rock in space without the company of another rock, she gets completely plastered. Aww, ain't that just the cutest thing ever?

AUDIENCE: When Rock Lee did it, yes.

FAN AUDIENCE: But, he destroyed everything in his path when drunk?

AUDIENCE: Exactly.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Let's up our game in cuteville.

ANA: *not having yet deleted him as contact for some reason, calls Christian* :D

CHRISTIAN: *picks up* Hello?

ANA: Hello. So, uh, this is my cute call to say I need you, man. Dude, I love you. Get over here so we can continue this plot already, you sexy fox. You're so bossy, tho. You need to stop being so controlling, I'm my own woman and I'll get what I want, and that is your dong in my throat.

AUDIENCE: Normally you become stupid when drunk, but she must be so stupid it goes the opposite way or something.

CHRISTIAN: Is this a booty call?

ANA: It's whatever you want it to be, baby. *hangs up*

JOSÉ comes out for the matter-of-time rejection scene with Ana as she has gone outside.

JOSÉ: I love you. Let's kiss.

ANA: No. I don't wannnaaaaa…

JOSÉ: No equals yes equals no equals yes equals no equals yes. Even numbers! That means you want to swallow my tongue. Let's get to it.

CHRISTIAN intervenes and pushes him away, trying to be a knight in shining armor, but since he is who he is, it's more like a kidnapping from the real knight in shining armor by comparison.

CHRISTIAN: Back off man, she's my future rape victim. Get your own.

JOSÉ: *rejected nice guy cockerspaniel eyes* *Leaves*

CHRISTIAN: Let's get you to my apartment.

ANA: No, thanks. I'm with Kate.

CHRISTIAN: I ordered my brother Elliot to go "Date Kate, she's willin'!"-

(A/N: I apologize for that reference, dear folks, but I have to maintain my sanity somehow)

CHRISTIAN: -because siblings are my bitches, too. You're coming with me now, I won't take no for an answer, you're useless by yourself.

ANA: *intimidated* Okay.

AUDIENCE: Crazy f*ck.

FAN AUDIENCE: Aww, he cares about her.

AUDIENCE: I'm pretty sure taking somebody home in hopes of screwing the shit out of them wouldn't fall under the "caring" category in the average dictionary.

FAN AUDIENCE: …is there an off switch on you?

AUDIENCE: So no one with actual brains can sarcastically comment on this to others amusement and make them want to kill themselves less? What do you think, genius?

Ana wakes up in Christian's apartment the next morning. Without even seeing him, hearing him, smelling him or using any of the other five main senses, he's already giving her orders in poor Alice in Wonderland references on the bedside table.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND REFERENCE: I'm only in it for the money.

ANA: Oh my God, an odd moment of out-of-characterness (the most I can have, anyway) makes me realize waking up like this is creepy. I mean, I'm undressed. And where did you sleep?

CHRISTIAN: Next to you.

ANA: OH. MY. GOD.

CHRISTIAN: Don't worry, necrophilia is not my thing.

ANA: What's that got to do with anything?!

CHRISTIAN: … *sigh* I didn't have sex with your sleeping body.

ANA: Why didn't you just say so? What the hell did you mention necrophilia for?

AUDIENCE: Because E.L. James and Sam-Taylor Johnson feel so smug that they know a complicated word they forgot to look up the actual meaning behind it.

ANA'S SUBCONSCIOUS: Don't worry, that's kind of their thing.

CHRISTIAN: *throws toast at Ana* EAT.

ANA: NO. *throws it back*

CHRISTIAN: I ain't playing catch *throws it back* EAT.

ANA: *succumbs, takes a bite*

CHRISTIAN: I'm picking up new clothes for you, too. The ones you wore looked like shit.

ANA: Because I puked on them?

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, that too. *takes off shirt for absolutely no reason*

ANA'S VAGINA: Hominah hominah hominah hominah

FAN AUDIENCE: HELL YEAH, WE'RE FINALLY IN FOR KINKY STUFF!

AUDIENCE: Kill me…

CHRISTIAN'S ABS: Hey, baby, wanna go back to my place?

ANA'S CLIT: You bet your ass I wanna!

CHRISTIAN'S ABS: Cool. Let's just hope our hosts agree.

ANA'S CLIT: GDAMMIT.

ANA'S BRAIN: LOL!

ANA'S CLIT: STFU

ANA: Why did you take me here?

CHRISTIAN: Haven't I made that clear a million times already? I can't leave your sexy pooper alone, because I wanna do it.

ANA: …then don't. Leave it alone, I mean.

ANA'S CLIT: LOL!

ANA'S BRAIN: STFU

CHRISTIAN: You don't understand… oddly enough. I'm into BDSM. I like hardcore spanking-your-ass-til-you-bleed kink. I'm not into romance, I only like the aspects coming from it. You wouldn't be able to handle it.

ANA: Wanna bet?

CHRISTIAN: …50 bucks?

ANA: Deal. But I'll have to work first. Let's meet at 7 pm.

CHRISTIAN: 'Kay.

ANA'S BOTTOM LIP: *attention whoring*

CHRISTIAN: I'd like to bite that lip.

AUDIENCE: *snort laugh* I'm sorry, that's… just… beautiful. This would make an awesome comedy film. Just leave out the violent abuse, and you've got material better than Adam Sandler's.

CHRISTIAN: But I want you to write consent to that.

ANA: Ok.

AUDIENCE: *ROARING LAUGHTER*

FAN AUDIENCE: What's so funny? Lip-biting may be classified as rape in Wyoming!

They go to the elevator to take Ana home, with the latter doing some more cute lip-biting.

CHRISTIAN: That's a dealbreaker!

AND SEXY MAKEOUT TIEMZ ARE HAD LMAO.

They get to Ana's apartment and MORE SEXY TIEMZ ARE HAD… by Kate and Elliot, that is.

FAN AUDIENCE: Oh, come ON! When are the things we paid for coming?

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Patience. If we made it shorter, the movie would be cheape- I mean, the movie wouldn't follow the original novel.

ANA: Okay, I did not have to see that.

CHRISTIAN: Only if it were you and I in a mirror. *slasher smile*

ANA: Whu…?

The boys leave for the girls to have girls talk which is stupid as per usual. (A/N: Before you say anything, I'm female. Who find this kind of girl talk stupid. I'm not explaining it further).

KATE: Now did you f*ck?

ANA: No.

KATE: Damn! How slow are you, girl?

ANA: I barely know him, Kate.

KATE: So what?

AUDIENCE: Because true love doesn't have to revolve around sex and in actuality comes down to respect and understanding from both parties' ends and being happy just spending time with your partner in terms and ways that aren't constantly related to your genitals?

FAN AUDIENCE: Ha! What kind of gay theory is that?

AUDIENCE: The theory from dawn of time.

FAN AUDIENCE: …Well, the world is progressing.

AUDIENCE: Negatively, yes.

FAN AUDIENCE: For crying out loud, when will you shut up?!

AUDIENCE: When they give up on continuing the series.

FLYING-IN-A-STUPID-HELICOPTER-MONTAGE: *plays music by Ellie Goulding far surpassing the quality of this film*

Their helicopter ride got them to an apartment more classy than any mansion somewhere else, which isn't where they were before at least, and wine is had. There is a non-disclosure agreement set on the table in front of Ana.

ANA: What is that?

CHRISTIAN: It's a contract with terms and conditions about discussing our relationship, sexually or no, with anyone. My frickin' lawyer is involved with it, because rutting back and forth is formal business.

ANA: Wow, I had no idea you were so organized. That's hot.

AUDIENCE: Controlling is more like it.

ANA signs it without reading its entirety, making her agree to become a HUMANCENTiPAD with two others that… oh, sorry, wrong show. I just find that scene more arousing than anything in this.

ANA: Are you gonna make love to me now?

CHRISTIAN: I don't make love. I f*ck. Hard.

AUDIENCE: That line is too magnificent to comment on.

FAN AUDIENCE: GOOD. I was about to bash your head in.

Ana isn't frightened, because those words are calming for a virgin. She asks why this is, and he takes her to his "playroom".

CHRISTIAN: Beyond this door, there's a playroom.

ANA: Like your Xbox and stuff?

AUDIENCE: How the hell are you 21?

CHRISTIAN: If by Xbox you mean anal play thing, then yes. Not that I would expect a hair-brained idiot like you to use sexual euphemisms.

He takes out a key.

CHRISTIAN: Anyway, know that you can leave at any time. If it's too much for you, I completely understand. Just know that the helicopter is outside and I'm not forcing you into anything. Just relax, don't panic when you see it, just tell me. Calm down, calm down CALM DOWN CALM DOWN!

ANA: YOOUUUU calm down!

AUDIENCE: The Three Stooges slapstick would be comedy gold right now.

ANA: Try me, Mr. Man.

ANA'S BRAIN has been beaten to unconsciousness by the other three main emotions of hers.

ANA'S CLIT: Welcome to kinkville, faggot.

The door is opened, and she's presented to the very sexual definition of "playroom".

ANA: HOLY SHIT.

In terror, she looks at his perverted stash of sex toys. Stepping forward, she takes an even breath and touches one of them thoughtfully. Christian walks up behind her.

CHRISTIAN: That's a flogger.

ANA: Yeah, because when I see a room full of sexual equipment meant for blurring the thin line between pain and pleasure I'm not even familiar with as I'm a virgin I wonder what the hell a feathery sex toy is called.

CHRISTIAN: Didn't you?

ANA: …yeah, I did.

CHRISTIAN: Well, then. What do you think?

SILENCE: *appropriate*

CHRISTIAN: Say something. Please.

ANA: Well, sorry, but this is a lot to take in! I have never had sex, after all! Do you expect me to just up and "This is cool, let's roleplay as Batman and Catwoman while I'm tied up in the most humanly degrading position possible with these ropes over here"?

CHRISTIAN: …yes? I mean, only if you want me to.

AUDIENCE: Well, how the heck can she know if she wants to, dumbass?

CHRISTIAN: Well, I'm a dominate. That means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me. There are my set of rules I want you to follow; if you follow them, reward awaits. If you don't, you'll be punished.

ANA: By using this stuff on me?

CHRISTIAN: No, by saying mean things to you that would hurt your widdle feewings- of course with this stuff, lummox!

AUDIENCE: You know that South Park fanfiction "Kyle in Chains"? That story explained BDSM a hell of a lot better.

FAN AUDIENCE: That story didn't even revolve around BDSM.

AUDIENCE: Exactly.

ANA: What would I get out of this?

CHRISTIAN: Aside from bruises? Me.

ANA: And if I refuse?

CHRISTIAN: You won't be getting me, genius. That's how bargains work.

They leave the room to head for a different room.

CHRISTIAN: If you agree, this will be your room during the weekends while we spend the entirety of it having hardcore sex in mine. We'll discuss negotiations later and sounding so formal when talking about something so ridiculous as this is just laughable.

ANA: …what if I wanted you in a romantic way?

CHRISTIAN: That will never work.

ANA: But-

CHRISTIAN: I said no. I can only have this type of relationship. I only get off on making my girls suffer. Being tender and loving towards them makes me sick to my stomach. It's so gay. Because people practicing bondage don't have feelings and are cold-hearted monsters like me.

ANA: Aren't you being a bit close-mi-

CHRISTIAN: No, I'm not. Now shut up.

AUDIENCE: F*cking bigot.

CHRISTIAN: Now, I have a contract prepared detailing what kind of pain I want to serve on your pretty little ass. I'll let you decide what I can do to you, except I will not.

ANA: I wouldn't know how. Because like my naïvity about this subject has strongly implied during the last few days, I'm a virgin.

CHRISTIAN: What is that, what is vur-geen? Never heard of it. *gets whispered information by Sam-Taylor Johnson* Holy crap, that's a concept?!

He retaliates in shock and rests his forehead in his palm.

CHRISTIAN: Just… a life without sex. What kind of life is that? Is it the life of the dismayed? Do you live in New Jersey?

ANA: Maybe lives don't revolve around sex.

CHRISTIAN: Dare say that again and I will slap the shit out of you.

AUDIENCE: And we all know perfectly well you'd follow up on that word.

Christian empathically cradles her face in his hands, feeling sorry for her for something one shouldn't feel sorry for anyone about.

CHRISTIAN: Poor baby. You don't know how it feels to be penetrated by a pink-headed womb broom in your octopus taco? My God. I can't imagine the pain you're enduring.

ANA: Um… I'm not hurting.

CHRISTIAN: Yes, you are. Without knowing it. I don't know how you can feel pain without knowing it, but that's beside the point. I need to save your honor by f*cking you until your pussy has turned to mush.

ANA: Didn't you say you wouldn't touch me until I wrote my consent?

CHRISTIAN: Look, you want me to make tender, passionate, affectionate love to you or not?

ANA: *instantly forgets what she just said* Of course, *swoony-woony*. Let's hit the sack, bad boy!

AUDIENCE: Finally! Let's see if the trailers put the money where their mouths are.

They take an awful long time to strip each other…

AUDIENCE: Okay…?

Take more time stripping one another…

AUDIENCE: OKAY?

Now he's slowly caressing her from top to bottom.

AUDIENCE (ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD VOICE): WHAT THE F*CK?!

FAN AUDIENCE: *smiles awkwardly*

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Perfect! That fills the tenderness quota for the film. Now, what more can arouse the viewer? Ah, yes, close-ups of Dakota's nipples and Jamie's hairy ass, of course!

AUDIENCE: *grossed out*

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: And his refusal to let her touch him during her first time is so hot OMGGG, I'm 'bout to bust my puss… OH… OOOOHHHHHHH…. Ah, done. Get me some tissues, E.L James. I'm finished.

E.L. JAMES: THAT WAS BLOODY AWESOME, I GOTTA SAY! There's no way any one can not get hot and bothered by this.

FAN AUDIENCE: …WTF. We paid to see porn! Instead we got close-ups of skin and poorly-acted orgasms.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: You paid to see Fifty Shades of Grey. Now shut up and beat it. Literally. 'Cause this is what you're getting.

FAN AUDIENCE: FFFFMMMLLL…

Some more SMEXY TIEMZ are had, but it further reinforces the wish among the audience that they could be watching a good-quality video of drying paint instead. Because it would be more sexually stimulating than anything we've been shown so far, including the hot tub sex…

AUDIENCE: You know? I would be a million times more excited had the main characters been Hannibal Lecter and Clarice Starling instead.

FAN AUDIENCE: But he's literally a murderous psychopath!

AUDIENCE: Exa-*gets punched by fans* -oof!

ANA: So where's the 50 bucks you owe me?

CHRISTIAN: Not so fast, I have yet to- *hears steps downstairs* oh, shit! Mommy's here!

CHRISTIAN'S BOLOGNIA WAND: Retreat! Retreat!

ANA'S BRAIN: So I guess this is the only sense of dignity he has, huh?

ANA'S CLIT: You still alive, asshole?

They go downstairs to greet Christian's mother (whom is not the one described in the book as the "crack whore" I hope…)

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Hey, how is my baby today? Is he feeling like the same shit-load amount of money he's got for doing nothing but sexing random ladies up?

CHRISTIAN: MOOOOOOOOOMMM, I was having a lady over for SEEEEEEEEXXX…

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Hush, dear, I know you have to do something to not bore yourself to death in your spoiled rotten rich life.

CHRISTIAN: *childish pout*

Ana reaches her hand out to greet her hopefully-not-future-mother-in-law, which the latter grabs.

ANA: Hello~

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Oh, you must be his new toy! It is a pleasure to meet you, the 105th girl in his woman-of-the-week-parade. How's your bottom?

ANA: Well-

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Oh my, you must be a very special girl whom he could hopefully settle down with forever; I've never met such a chunk of platinum like you! How would you like to come to a family dinner so we could get more acquianted with a rare gem such as yourself?

ANA: Umm…

CHRISTIAN's MOM: Perfect. I'll make the arrangements. You just go get yourself ready in that wedding gown, sweetheart.

CHRISTIAN: Uhm, mommy? Shut up. You're embarrassing me.

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: My dear boy, don't be embarrassed. I think you and her could become something. She's so extraordinary compared to all the other strumpets you've fooled around with. I just look at her and think perfection.

ANA: Fart.

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: EXCELLENCE! Well, I'll be heading out now.

AUDIENCE: Just a heads up, she didn't really say "fart", we just put it there because she might as well have.

FAN AUDIENCE: How are you able to do that?

AUDIENCE: Sarcasm is a superpower, numbskull. Have you lived under a rock among brainless babies on North Sentinel Island in the Bay of Bengal or something?

FAN AUDIENCE: What?

AUDIENCE: What?

AUTHOR OF THIS PARODY: *obviously out of sarcasm fuel*

The duo, not couple, comedy DUO, goes upstairs to have some penis-to-vag, err, heart-to-heart. They can't even have brain-to-brain… or foot-to-foot for that matter.

ANA: *suddenly jealous* How many women have stayed in here?

CHRISTIAN: *quick* 15.

ANA: That's a lot of women…

AUDIENCE: Nah, sweet-ums, you're barely scratching the surface. He has had more women than there are Undertale AUs.

FAN AUDIENCE: And how do you know that?

AUDIENCE: How do you not know that?

ANA: I still don't want out. You're shaking with anticipation of beating me senseless in ways thinly veiled as pleasurable, not promising any tenderness and romance whatsoever despite you having said that's what I want, and not claiming you'll stop being a control freak in every little aspect of my life. But I still don't want out. I'm now going to contradict what I just said by being catty about agreeing to it.

CHRISTIAN: Well, your call. I promise, it will be very pleasurable and satisfying to be doing hardcore kink even when it's a new thing to you and may not be your thing after all. Just ignore the bleeding out of your pink sock and excessive pain that will come with it, it's all in the name of mind-numbing pleasure.

ANA: Well, if I do get sexual pleasure out of it, I guess I could think about it.

CHRISTIAN: You getting pleasure? What in- oh! Yeah…! Right…

ANA: Also, why don't we sleep like a normal couple? Why do we have to sleep in separate rooms?

AUDIENCE: Haven't you been listening to what he said at all? Aside from "You. Me. Bandicooting"?

CHRISTIAN: Because like I've already demonstrated to true BDSM practicioners' frustrations, people into this kind of stuff are cold-hearted dicks not giving squat about their partner's feelings, so naturally, they must be portrayed as such and hate warm, tender intimacy.

AUDIENCE INTO BDSM: Screw this film. Screw it with a ten-foot pole coated in sulfuric acid.

AUDIENCE: … *slow clap*

ANA: You know what? Screw this. Screw you. I'm leaving. I'm my own woman, dammit. I don't want a creep like you to be controlling me, thank you very much. I'm going home. Don't touch me.

Ana leaves determined. Everyone in the theatre quietly gawk in awe at the scene unfolded.

AUDIENCE: Holy crap, what's happening?! She's turning awesome!... did she get drunk again?

…only to have this moment of awesome be crushed into tiny bits when she's letting Christian drive her home.

ANA: Yeah, I know, but drive me home, then I'll be my own woman.

AUDIENCE: It's going to go on like this, ain't it?

Then he doesn't drive her straight home, but to a secluded area in a forest where no one can hear them for miles, and will provoke the makers of films like the Pumpkinhead into filing complaints of plagiarism. Because this kind of plot could very well set off when you have a character like Christian Grey. Anyhow, Ana is being stupid as she agrees to walk with him in the woods, furthering setting in stone that her subconscious will make her do as he says no matter what… as she dances in that bright red hula skirt and stomps her foot and makes a triple-axel jump or whatever.

ANA: So what made you realize that hurting women is sexually gratifying to you?

CHRISTIAN: I was sexually abused by a family friend when I was 15.

ANA: That's terrible!

CHRISTIAN: No, it was awesome. 'Doesn't matter, had sex', y'know? You're the pity pig here, as you were still a loser virgin prior to me fixing your shameful treatment of your body by not sticking stuff up your every orifice. Freak.

They walk near a bridge out to the open waters.

CHRISTIAN: Nobody knows. Not my mommy, not my brother, not anyone. And this is not a problem I should have called the police for since she f*cked me up, cuz…doesn't matter, had sex. It was intimidating for me at first, too, but I eventually came to consent to her sexual abuse of a minor. Hear that, pedophiles? Sexually abuse a child enough, and they will eventually like it!

AUDIENCE: In the name of everything sacred, E.L. James, do you plan to brainwash the whole planet into bowing down to you, too? 'Cause I can already see the pedos starting to kneel down.

ANA: So, what? You're saying just because you liked it eventually, I'm going to, too?

CHRISTIAN: Exactly. There's no such thing as asexuality, discomfort/fear of sex, lack of a sex drive, a job, work, vacation, your family, spirituality, love, whatever. I don't know how those damn things are even concepts, mind you. I didn't have to give a shit about anything anymore. I didn't need to take responsibility for anything, I can just be whatever douchebag I feel like, 'cause I can disguise it as being a 'dominate'. When I felt that climax of my first time, I felt free and wonderful. It's my world. It's everything. It's my life. And if you let me, it can be yours, too.

ANA: *sceptic*

CHRISTIAN: You're the only girl I want this with. You're the only one I rode with in that helicopter, and had sex with in my own bed. You're specially speshuul, gurl.

ANA: *beams*

CHRISTIAN: *Phew-I-hope-I-didn't-forget-to-throw-out-Caitlyn's-panties-out-of-the-backseat-of-that-helicopter-grimace*

AUDIENCE: Oh. He pulls the "you're-the-only-one"-manipulation card. Nice touch.

CHRISTIAN: I've never slept next to anyone. Ever.

AUDIENCE: Except for your cousin Burt in 4th grade on a camping trip. Better watch out for her finding out you're lying, mac!

FAN AUDIENCE: Okay, will anyone shut this jackass up?

They share a soaring kiss, exchanging trust that shouldn't be there, lies, uncertainty, manipulative words… not saliva. Doggone it, not saliva. It would almost have been enough to compensate for the boredom of this scene. Then again, because it's FSoG, I would have complained, either way.

He then drives her home, but she seems to have a different attitude, but that's normal. That's what every person under Christian's manipulation would be. Not accepting, just… deluded. Insanely deluded.

CHRISTIAN: Contract. Read. Choice. Sex. *would have crossed out the next to last point initially but realized it would have scared her away from being his plaything so he didn't*

ANA: *nods* *grabs contract* *walks inside*

CHRISTIAN: *cartoony villain hand fidgeting* All according to plan.

ANA walks in having been given a new computer by Christian whom she talked to mere seconds ago. Oh, an he also gave her first-editions of some books she likes earlier in the film, but whatever. Didn't find that a crucial detail other than adding to the "I-shower-you-with-gifts-so-you-must-do-as-I-say" manipulation scale.

AUDIENCE: What's the difference between Christian Grey and Ted Bundy? Bundy at least tried to be charming when luring his victims.

FAN AUDIENCE: … *snorts a laugh*

AUDIENCE: What was that?

FAN AUDIENCE: I'm… just… I'm having a cold.

AUDIENCE: Uh-huh.

Kate is there being useless for a while and then Ana begins using the laptop. Apparently, it doesn't need to have information of the owner when signing up, nor a battery it seems, as it's immediately on. Now they're having e-mail contact, but I'm just going to speed-forward this segment taking its course over a few days (which requires talent to pad out, if you ask me) because it's useless filler about kinkmania fake trivia.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar (ANA) has logged in.

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop (CHRISTIAN)has logged in.

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Use this computer for research on BDSM. Since your own computer is obviously incapable of that.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: ok!11 ^^ but waiiii… are u gunna keep orderinh me around liek dis? cuz if u r den fuk of :)

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: You first want to be dominated and now you don't? This is the reason I don't value bitches above a hole. Anyway, to answer your question for the millionth time this hour, yes, I want to dominate you, and you will love it. I've already covered this issue with sarcasm so let's just move on.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: yea well…your the boss. what shud I search derpityderpderp? :)

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Well, wth do you think?

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: PUPPIES! :)

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Yeah… had we been searching on the deep web for crush porn. Just search 'submissive', Gena Leung.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: okidokiee!

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Well?

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: HOLY CRAPPY CRAP UP MY CRAPPER U WANT 2 DO DIS SHIET 2 ME LIEK WTF WTH IS WRONG WITH U U WAN 2 TY ME UP WITH LIL LETHERSTRAPPIES

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Of course I don't, mooncalf. I don't want to use any damn leather. Fish leather can't hold for poop. I need real stuff like rope to tie you down.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: I DUNNO. I DUNNO ANYMORE

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Hey, relax, guy!

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: I AM PERFETCLY CALM. I JUST FORGET TO SHUT OF DUH CAPSLock is all. There. No butt serius thats som messed shit ur in 2 and I dun wanna be parg ovit. I just lost my virgin & I think I need 2 get used 2 mission before trying dog cat monkey coleacanth style or whatev its bn nice nwing you tho, hop u can find someone consentign. Kisses 33333 XOXOXOXOX CU

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: …

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop has logged off.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: wut

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: helo

Ana just got home from running when a looming, frightening, terrifying silhouette of a serial killer emerges from the darkest deepest corners of the shadows' domain, and- oh, wait. It's Christian.

AUDIENCE: What's with that surprised pause?

Expectly, this scares Ana's tits off, except not, otherwise Christian would have lost interest in her the instant she had had.

ANA: Holy crap on a crapper!

CHRISTIAN: YOU SHOULD HAVE RESPECTED MY AUTHORITAH. *proceeds to rape her*

I wish it was a typo. I wish upon Geppetto's star it was a typo. But it isn't.

AUDIENCE: Like, shit! We knew he was a creeper as we accused him of being a rapist, but we didn't think he would actually be one! …Our intuition was actually correct?

FAN AUDIENCE: Thanks a lot for jinxing it! Okay, you were right, we're admitting it. Happy now? Feeling better with your inflated ego further stroked?

AUDIENCE: Depends… do you know the Ashiatsu Massage Technique?

Some wacky looney adventures ensue involving ice-cubes, spanking, and raping of Ana in thin guise as kink. Hey, everytime he roughly thrusts into her as she gasps in pain, let's take one shot! That way we can survive this.

AUDIENCE: Two. Two shots.

And let's put in "Haunted" by Beyoncé as some mood music for the hot steamy scene of… taking these shots. What other steamy scene would there possibly be? No, seriously. Enlighten me.

AUDIENCE: Wait… this is way too fitting. Did you plan this, Sammy?

SAM TAYLOR-JOHNSON: Rape fantasy, bitch… HHHHHGGGGGNNNNN *climaxes*

AUDIENCE: …I'll take that as an "obviously I did, you idiot".

We cut to them laying in bed at night having some pillowtalk.

ANA: That was amazing.

ANA'S BRAIN: You know, you could say it wasn't rape anymore when you consented, but it was still rape because you initially didn't.

ANA'S VAGINA: Okay, this? Has got to, like, stop.

ANA'S BRAIN: I have to stop? Cutiepie. Hadn't it been for me, we would have been dead right now. I'm the only common sense she has provided to stay catty to his bossiness. Considering I'm in the minority, that says a lot about her intelligence.

ANA'S VAGINA: Well, then, why don't you stay in the minority and let us handle this, scrote?

ANA'S BRAIN: BRAIN LIVES MATTER

Ana wants to touch Christian, but…

CHRISTIAN'S BODY: Eyy, f*ck off, bitch, you be treadin' on private territory.

AUDIENCE: Ain't that hypocrisy more delicious than grandma's blueberry pie.

CHRISTIAN: So, anyway, are you gonna sign that contract? Not that it matters anyway, I would just rape you until you finally agreed to it. Boy, aren't negotiations always the best and most fair solutions? I win something out of it both ways, too.

ANA: Yeah, no. I dunno yet. You just raped me but I might still want in.

ANA'S BRAIN: *slowly getting dissipated from the power of dumbassness* NOOOOOOOO!

Christian walks up with a disappointed look and proceeds to put his clothes on.

ANA: Wait, you're more butthurt than I am?

CHRISTIAN: No, not really. I just have to go home and make a new list of ways to rape you in manners that would help persuade you. I was thinking of something with the word "cleveland steamer" in it next.

Ana reads the contract for a few days and decides that in order to avoid another rape, she could at least pretend interest by ordering som insanely dumb formal meeting between the two of them about the contract, which she isn't going to sign anyway, and only exist to pad out this movie more, because more the merrier, it makes green in pocket. Let's water it with dirty talk and sexual lube fluids.

ANA: Conditions: strike this out, strike that out, strike blah out…

CHRISTIAN: *sob* Okay. *grabs ice-cream* I don't know why I'm not giving up on you and just hire a prostitute. That's what Donald Trump is doing.

AUDIENCE: Because you're not just rich, both of your literal heads are also thick. I guess your income doesn't match your IQ.

ANA: What are butt plugs?

CHRISTIAN: *begins a "shit-are-you-serious" look but gets interrupted by his sla- err…aw, heck, why hide it, his slaves*

His goons come in to leave food and...yeah, that's it. Then they leave.

ANA: Okay, what was the point of adding that to the film?

CHRISTIAN: To further rub it in your face how rich I am and how luxurious I live and will make you agree to this contract and I'm not giving you all the details of what all the tools will be used for because miscommunication is also standard for BDSM.

AUDIENCE INTO BDSM: *claps in strained joy, pukes blood*

CHRISTIAN: You know, I'm pretty impressed with your devotion to this contract, I didn't expect that since no other subject was.

AUDIENCE: Because they were smart?

CHRISTIAN: Tell you what, once a week, we'll go on a date. As a couple. But all the other days of the week you'll bend to my will and I will f*ck you in every way I choose, and if you refuse, I'll abu- err, punish you.

AUDIENCE: You're still trying to hide it?

ANA: OMG, you care about me?! That's so romantic!

CHRISTIAN: Sure, whatever. We can watch a movie… have you ever seen Backdoor Sluts 9? Fritz the Cat? No wait, I know… Pinocchio! That donkey transformation scene is my favorite porno.

ANA: I believe I haven't. Enlighten me, then?

CHRISTIAN: App, app, app, only on that one day of the week, skank.

They finish up this "business meeting" and they talk the dirty that would water dollar greens and money trees.

CHRISTIAN: (actual line) I would like to f*ck you into the middle of next week.

ANA: *smiles, flattered*

AUDIENCE: Would screaming in agony at her messed up reaction to that statement be overreacting?

FAN AUDIENCE: We don't know anymore.

ANA: Anywayz, I want to leave to review these changes and then I'll decide. Could you hold in your kinky sex-pee just a widdle while longer?

CHRISTIAN: *growling impatiently* Would f*cking you on this table help you decide faster? Because, as you remember, I can just rape you until you consent.

ANA: Mew?

CHRISTIAN: You want me to make love to you. I can see it; you're pressing your thighs together, your breathing's turning uneven, your complexion… you're flushed.

ANA: Did you just describe trying to hold in a fart?

CHRISTIAN: If you did stay, I would *dirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalk*

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Well? Are you getting excited? Cuz I sure am, ohohohoh! You naughty boy, Christian, you!

FAN AUDIENCE: I can't get it up/wet to save my life.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Need help? Lower-lip-bite?

FAN AUDIENCE: No don't you get it? YOU SUCK! Watching my grandmother naked would make me climax faster!

AUDIENCE: OH, SNAP!

E.L. JAMES: You just don't get it.

FAN AUDIENCE: Says someone whose toxic vagina hasn't gotten action in probably 20 years and needed to write something as dry and simple as this to get horny.

AUDIENCE: OOOOHHH OHHHHHHH 360 NO SCOPING LIKE F*CK

Ahem, anyway, back to the story. Ana decides to leave, for some reason not given, I guess, immediately. Anyway, Ana's being a little of a tease, which I don't think will help him hold further back from taking her over and over against her will like a daffodil being forced to open its petals before spring has properly matured. I'm sorry, I'm trying to sound funny. I know it's not working.

ANA: This will have to wait, I'm gonna go graduate.

CHRISTIAN: Again? Because you failed the first one?

ANA: No, this is the first one.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, that wasn't over yet? …f*ck a duck.

They graduate and Christian has a speech at the graduation in order to be an attention whore. Ana meets her dad afterwards.

ANA'S DAD: I'm so proud of you. My little girl graduated with honors and will begin a successful career. I'm so moved.

AUDIENCE: Okay, now this is just sad.

CHRISTIAN: Woah, she's talking to her dad she hasn't seen for a long while? Time to butt in and be a possessive creep!

ANA'S DAD: Oh, hello. So you're Ana's boyfriend? Pleasure to meet you. I enjoyed your speech greatly. How long have you two known each other?

CHRISTIAN: Excuse me, sir, I couldn't hear you over the prospective scream of pain I'll envoke from her when we have damaging sex tonight. Also, over the cameraman wanting a shot. Pardon.

Christian pulls Ana close for the shot despite her discomfort.

AUDIENCE: Any sane father would cut his testicles off at this point. So he's either insane or a step-father how would personally do the same.

They later have champagne.

CHRISTIAN: To celebrate the fact that nothing stops you from signing that damn contract already. Oh, and your graduation.

ANA: *looks down*

CHRISTIAN: Bitch, did you just roll your eyes at me? Oh my God, you insolent little snitch. I'm going to spank yer arse if ye do that again, lassie.

AUDIENCE: Why don't you just admit there's no need for a contract already?

CHRISTIAN: By the way, I've got you a gift.

AUDIENCE: Is it her freedom?

CHRISTIAN: Not even close, it's a brand new car.

ANA: Holy shnapcaronis, a new car? A new car. A new car! I can't take it, it's too much. I have my own.

CHRISTIAN: No, you see, you have to take it, because I sold the one you already had.

ANA: F*ck, are you serious now?! What the hell is wrong with you?! It was my damn car!

AUDIENCE: Is it finally dawning on her now?

CHRISTIAN: Wait, bitch, did you just roll my eyes at me again? Did you just have the insolence of being rightfully angry at me for selling something that wasn't mine but I think I can sell anyway because I think money gives me authority? That's enough. You're getting a spanking, you naughty girl.

AUDIENCE: FOR DOING WHAT?!

Christian proceeds to spank her with the agressivity of a newborn puppy.

AUDIENCE: Oh. Well, that alleviates things somewhat.

FAN AUDIENCE: How dare she not accept a gift when he sold her stuff without telling her first. How dare she. Why doesn't he the next time just kill her mom and then put her on the Judas Cradle for daring to cry over her death?

AUDIENCE: …wait, are you agreeing with us?

FAN AUDIENCE: …no?

Christian leaves after getting his nightly get-off and Ana gets a call from her mother.

ANA'S MOM: Hi, honey. My mother senses are tingling that something is completely and utterly wrong with you at this time. Wanna talk?

AUDIENCE: What, have your mother instincts been on vacation during this whole movie?

ANA: *silently cries* Mama…

ANA'S MOM: What's wrong? Honey, what is bothering you?

ANA: *sob* I dunno if he's making me happy. He's so weird, I'm… so confused.

ANA'S MOM: You know, come down whenever you want to talk. I'm here. Well, I always have been. I don't know what took you so long to realize you need sense beaten into you.

ANA: That's… I might do that.

Then she goes and makes out with the same prick they just talked about.

AUDIENCE: No comment.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Time for more baking baby-batter, baby!

FAN AUDIENCE: *Feelings of emptiness*

E.L. JAMES: Ohhhh yeahhh…

FAN AUDIENCE: *Feelings of the suicidal kind and emptiness*

After the movie's hourly sex, they head to have dinner with his family. You know? The one they promised earlier in the film…? Yeah, I didn't remember either, I had to look back at what I had written.

Believe it or not, they actually have a decent talk. His family is nice, like his mother, and brother… too bad the reason she's there is a posessive rap- you know what? We should invent a new word for this guy. How does Christianity sound?

AUDIENCE: That one's taken, dumbass. Just go with Christian.

FAN AUDIENCE: Isn't that one taken too?

AUDIENCE: Oh, come on!

ANA: Yeah, my mother lives in Georgia. I'm going to visit her tomorrow.

CHRISTIAN: You're trying to be your own woman? How dare you! When were you gonna tell me this?

ANA: Woah, chill the hell out. I'm just going to visit her. It's not like I'm out of our bargain and planning to move as far away from you as possible, even though that's what my brain has been nagging me about doing.

CHRISTIAN: You're implying there's a difference between those notions.

They leave to walk in the garden, with Christian carrying her on his shoulder and spanking her on the way.

ANA: Why are you angry? This is my choice! You have no right to control everything I do!

CHRISTIAN: Stop spewing bullshit or you're in for a spanking.

ANA: You're already spanking me!

CHRISTIAN: In for a beating, then. You're mine, all mine, when are you going to realize that? You're only mine.

AUDIENCE: What, are you worried she's going to have incest-sex with her mom, or something?

They kiss "passionately" for a few moments until Ana breaks away.

ANA: Christian, you are so confusing.

FAN AUDIENCE: I swear, they were going to say "controlling" but changed it at the last second.

ANA: Why can't we sleep in the same bed? Why can't you let me touch you? Why do you care so much about that damn contract? Why can't you like me the way I am? Why must you hurt me to get off? Why must you be such a cold-hearted prick?

AUDIENCE: Did she ask all the questions?

FAN AUDIENCE: *looks at list* Check, check, check… nope. She still hasn't asked herself why she's with him. She also hasn't asked herself why she felt attracted to him in the first place, but her realizing that is overestimating her intelligence.

He, unsurprisingly, doesn't answer a single question. Except he does, when she's asleep later on, but unbeknownst for him, it doesn't really count. Not in my book, anyway. And not in every other person's book on this planet. Except maybe Stephenie Meyer's.

Ana is giving a feminist boost and goes to meet her mother in Georgia despite his protests, because she hasn't descended deep enough into the madness that she'll stop loving her family… kind of what Christian has. I hope we can still help her.

FEMINISM: I'm the most all-mighty power in the universe and you all should bow down to me! I'm Wonderwoman, I'm Starfire, I'm-!

ANA'S CLIT: Oh, shut the hell up.

Ana has dinner/lunch with her Step-father and mother.

STEP-DAD: You wanna know this recipe? It's easy. Just take som movie-padding and pour it with salsa.

ANA: Thanks! I'll make sure to keep that in mind for the next two films! Sammy must start getting creative on that part if they are to be released.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Can it! I'm doing my best.

AUDIENCE: To be honest, I'm not really blaming Sammy here.

Ana later lays in bed.

ANA: I got here to get away from Christian, so now I'm gonna text him saying I wished he were here with me.

The next day, he arrives to meet her.

CHRISTIAN: Meddle?

ANA: Holy crap, what the crap are you doing here?!

AUDIENCE: Sanity is underrated, am I right?

CHRISTIAN: You sent me a text saying you wished I was here, so now I'm here. Duh. Do you want two other wishes granted?

ANA: Well, yeah. If you could leave me alone for five damn seconds, I would be happy.

CHRISTIAN: Forgot to tell you. I'm the kinky-genie, so I will only grant wishes involving me doing anal on you. Just clarifying your options.

ANA'S MOM: I love this guy!

FAN AUDIENCE: You mean comedy-wise, or…?

ANA'S MOM LEAVES, HAVING TO REFUEL THE TANK OF HER MOTHER INSTINCT RADAR. Christian sits down and rips her glass from her hand.

CHRISTIAN: Stop drinking that, child, and flirt with me. Flirt with daddy.

ANA: Flirt flirt.

CHRISTIAN: Let's randomly go plane-flying. I can do that too, y'know.

ANA: Okay. Bye mom!... she didn't hear me. Oh well! Let's leave without noting her!

PLANE-FLYING MONTAGE: *being stupid… wait, didn't we already do a scene like this?*

CHRISTIAN: *looks like an idiot*

ANA: *looks like she's fighting against swallowing a fish*

After the ride we're back in Seattle to continue this conflict-which-could-be-solved-with-a-dialogue-of-good-communication-or-a-police-call-or-having-the-luck-of-not-being-Fifty-Shades-Of-Grey-drama.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: I think people with somehow chaste needs will be satisfied over this. Not that somebody not having them would know. Back to THE SMEX!

FAN AUDIENCE: The "plot" will be back after these supposed steamy messages.

AUDIENCE: Should we remove the "fan"-part of your name?

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: YES. THANK YOU.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: NOT REALLY REMOVING IT, BUT WHATEV.

After the useless sex, we cut to Edw- err, Christian playing the piano with melancholy, Ana coming down listening to it.

ANA: The script of this film has really made me impatient. Can you tell me what the hell is wrong with you already?

CHRISTIAN: Shut the f*ck up.

ANA: Why do you wanna hurt me?

CHRISTIAN: Shut the f*ck up.

ANA: Why do you get off to it?

CHRISTIAN: BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY I AM! SHUT THE F*CK UP!

AUDIENCE: Translation: Because I'm a sick f*ck still somehow roaming free and in desperate need of acceptance into the mental ward sharing the cell with Dexter.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: And having the riches to back up every megalomaniac plan one can think of.

AUDIENCE: "And I own the police."

BIFF TANNEN: I'm proud of you, son.

DONALD TRUMP: Hey, that's my line, asshole!

ADOLF HITLER: Keep talking, bitches.

CHRISTIAN: (actual line) I'm fifty shades of f*cked up.

ANA: (drops IQ below -10) Because the stupidity of that line has dumbed me further than thought possible, why don't you show me just exactly how f*cked up you are?

CHRISTIAN: Okay. I'm gonna whip you six times.

EDWARD GREY: This pantywaist ain't got shit on me.

So Christian does, having her stripped naked to be whipped.

CHRISTIAN: *whips* HAHAHAHAH, WHO'S PUSSYWHIPPED NOW?! *whips* HAHA TAKE THIS LOL! *whips* TAKE THIS! IT'S NO USE! *whips* CHRISTIAN USED TAIL WHIP, IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE *whips* PERSONALLY, I PREFER YOUR ASS IN THE AIR! *whips*

ANA: *silently weeps in pain*

ANA steps away from Christian, covering her naked self in self-defense and a look of disgust in his direction. About time.

ANA: How dare you whip me! Even if I asked you to! Don't ever go near me again!

AUDIENCE: Oh, jeez. That shit again.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Bet it's not gonna hold.

She's later STILL in his house, sleeping, or rather weeping, in her room. He walks inside.

ANA: I love you, asshole. Leave now before I kill you, my love.

AUDIENCE: Wait, what?!

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: This film tries to subvert our expectations so hard it doesn't now which path to choose anymore! We have caused a rift in the space-time continuum! We have caused a paradox! The apocalypse! What are we to do?!

AUDIENCE: Take cover beneath the bunker which is our brain's nerve system.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Good idea!

ANA LEAVES CHRISTIAN AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER SEPARATED.

THE END.

AUDIENCE: I wish it was.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Holy crap! She was her own independent woman in the end! I've garnered the tiniest bit of respect for her now it's enough to create a molecule. Awesome twist E.L.!

E.L. JAMES: …

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: ERRR… THAT'S…

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Wait, wait, wait, don't say anything! She's gonna come back and do some awesome Kill Bill shit, am I right?

AUDIENCE: Isn't ignorance just bliss?

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Wait, what are you talking about? Why are you all so silent? *looks at movie poster for Fifty Shades Darker* MOTHERF*CK- *head explosion*

E.L. JAMES: *takes notes* Cause of spontaneous combustion; a movie overly sexually stimulating.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: We can do better than this, can't we E.L.?

E.L. JAMES: You bet yer arse!

AUDIENCE: NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE *jumps off fanfiction cliff*

[picaresqve]

OOC On, Like, Empathy, Man

I wanted to make a post about a tumblr I stumbled on recently. I’m not sure if the tumblr itself is recent or old as I’m pretty new to Balmung but I do know that my response towards the page was pretty immediately disappointed. It’s a blog dedicated to reposting anonymous asks from members of the FF14 RP community who wish to “air their dirty laundry” against others, going so far as to encourage name-dropping. I know it might only hurt to mention it as I’m advertising for something that more or less hides behind a wall of anonymity (hence why I’m leaving the blog’s name out, but if you see it I imagine you’ll know), but I still feel like I might be able to help some people by making an announcement about it who might be initially drawn in by its promise of draining the swamp (yes the allusion is intentional). While it seems to make a vague posturing of being social-justice-orientated, it is anything but that. The language it employs – or more specifically, allows others to employ on its page and by extension endorses – is destructive. Words do not exist in a vacuum and I think that’s a lesson most people need to learn in the current era we live in. Rhetoric has multilayered meanings, both readily apparent instances and those that brew beneath the surface. I have seen language that ranges from slut/sex-shaming to ableism. Honestly, whether it’s true or not, who cares what a fully-grown woman does with her body and how she markets it. I don’t think, and you’ll have to forgive me for telling you what to think, but neither should you. That’s no one’s business any more than whether someone wants to be a porn star (though, yes, the porn industry is rife with its own moral pitfalls) or a sex worker or anything else involving their body. This is not only slut-shaming, it’s also wilfully misogynistic.

Then I saw posts about, like, what? Lalafell ERP? I feel like I saw a lot of those posts. It’s not really my cup of tea, but for starters they’re not children, they’re a fantasy race that doesn’t even partially resemble any children I’ve seen lately, especially not any that’s able to grow full beards and have the mental faculties of fully-grown adults. Honestly, if you want to make a stretch that far you could just as easily deem them as little people, and I trust you wouldn’t call Erica Schmidt a pedophile for marrying Peter Dinklage? The relationship between Lalafell and children is tenuous at best, and honestly should probably be ignored unless someone is RPing their mindset as if they are that of a child, which is what makes those acts especially heinous. So, this could all be some veiled, ableistic garbage commentating on, like, what? Short stature and larger builds, and like, “omg how could you possibly be attracted to something so hideous, grossss?”

  I’m not for allowing people to just get a pass if they are doing something repugnant, but I’m also not really for letting people just be wilfully cruel to one another either because they might have been slighted. Some of these secrets might be coming from a place of deep, emotional anguish, and I respect that and I respect the desire to vent that pain out to the world, to find some sort of justice from it, but this whole merry-go-round of toxicity serves very little. Would it be that everyone had perfect and sound judgment, this wouldn’t be an issue, but a whole lot of the “oh, if you’ve done nothing wrong, you shouldn’t have to worry” mentality is fallacious to the extreme. Tell that to the “witches” of Salem or to the communists of the McCarthy era. Moreover, and less dramatically, and probably more apt for the current situation at hand, tell that to any person who ever went through high school and had been bullied or treated wrongly because they weren’t liked for any number of reasons teenagers can find to be cruel to someone. We are not objective people, objectivity is generally a myth that people use as an Aristotelian appeal to logos. No matter where we go, we bring our biases and they color our stories. Paper-thin appeals to bring proof by the mods aren’t helping if they’re still injecting this hateful rhetoric on their blog. Which, this isn’t really so much as an appeal to the mods, who don’t honestly seem to have anyone’s best interest in mind, when they tie themes of social justice alongside something as trite and silly as “bad RP,” as if there’s rarely any, like, noteworthy RP that needs to be elevated among the common rabble. I mean, it’s fun, it’s a hobby, and it stretches the creativity, but I don’t think any serious person that shows gravity for social justice would pit it alongside RP standards.

  This is more an appeal to people who might want to submit their own secrets, that maybe they shouldn’t, and if they do, to be more dignified about it and consider what they are doing and how it might hurt people. Like really tune in and turn on and empathise whether you think your spat with another person is worth it. If you feel it is, and maybe it is, then that’s sad that it’s gotten to this point, but like, I guess you do what you gotta. But more importantly, though:

  This is Water, This is Water.

[julstudies]

hello! i've made a studyblr @sohftstudy , do you have any tips on how to maintain one?

yes! 

-tack a tag! you’ve probably seen in a lot of studyblr bios “i track the tag #…” this means that if you tag your posts with a certain keyword, the corresponding studyblr will reblog those posts! for example, my tag is #heyjul. not only does this boost other studyblrs, but this also keeps your blog active with content from all over studyblr. it gives your blog more diversity than if you just look up #studyspo or #studyblr and queue content from there.

-queuing!! is!! important!! i for one am horrible at being active. i suggest queuing the tagged posts above ^^, rather than just setting everything to the “post now” option. queuing prevents weird spikes of activity, and lets your blog stay active all day long, even when you cant be on. (i suggest 15-24 times per day; you can vary it based on how many posts you keep in your queue at a time)

-learn how to take good pictures! if you want to be a studyblr who posts a lot of studyspo, i suggest you learn how to be good at taking pictures of your notes. your notes don’t necessarily have to be beautiful or elaborate, and you don’t have to have nice or expensive stationery. but the best posts that i find are ones that are taken in good lighting with a background and theme that is pleasant to the eyes, regardless of stationery or how pretty the notes are.

-if you don’t want to be a studyspo-heavy studyblr, post masterposts! masterposts are giant posts that include helpful tips, advice, or links to other helpful post, all related to a specific topic. it may sound like these are boring or unneccesaary but ITS REALLY NOT and you have no idea how thirsty people on tumblr, studyblr included, are for advice to get their lives together. im speaking from experience lol

-start/join challenges! every month, some studyblr or another comes up with some challenge related to the month, or self-care themed. you can follow these and post pictures related to each day’s task! or, you could honestly start your own if you have an idea of something new to do each day (-:

-talk to people!!! some of the nicest people i’ve ever met are literally on studyblr and like everyone is so kind and encouraging towards each other and we all promote each other and raise each other up so it’s a whole network of love and support. don’t be shy (-:

-host events! there are tons of different event you can host like sleepover saturdays (which i’ve been kinda flaky on…heeheehee), motivational mondays, giveaways, blog awards, blog rates, and many more!

-join a network! there are networks for literally everything on this website omg whether it be for learning a new language, finding a study buddy, or for people in the same graduating class. most of them are international too so do it!!

can’t wait to see you on my dash, bub! and welcome to studyblr!