#but yeah. to any new trans women- Welcome!!! honestly we are really happy to have you. more women coming in to the party is great!!!

[beeseverywhen]

Something i want to add as a cis woman to anyone who's maybe in the position the op describes, and wants to come out but is fearing the rejection of cis women. First of all, I think it's important to note that terfs aren't exclusively dicks to trans ppl, they are just arseholes. They don't feel accepted by other women (because they are dicks so nobody wants to be their friend) and so they try and project that on to trans women and make you guys feel like you aren't welcome when you are

Honestly I don't know a woman whose reaction to someone they know coming out as trans wouldn't be 'extra female friend?!' 'I get another?!' and would be very excited to share all the stuff that they didn't think you'd want to share when they thought you were a male friend

I'm not saying this to try and make the conversation about cis ppl, because it isn't, this is about you guys- but I do often get worried that trans women might be made to feel unwelcome when they are exposed to a particular flavour of 'women hating on women' and feel like they are being targeted cause they are trans. terfs are such a vocal minority- there really are so few of them irl they just have this horrible mob thing going on where it seems like there are so many of them, I promise you most women you meet in every day life are either gonna be completely neutral on what your agab was, or more likely, are gonna be excited that they have one more female friend than they realised.

So much anti trans sentiment is just repackaged sexism (which is one of the reasons it's so ridiculous terfs are trying to call themselves feminists) all of the bullshit they are spouting about how they can recognise trans women as trans, is the same bullshit they were bullying cis women about before they found their little echo chamber of bullshit. Unless the women you come out to are dicks (in which case they don't deserve you) the most negativity you'll get is good natured confusion by someone who doesnt get it, most of us are just gonna be happy you're happy and pleased to have another woman in their life

However, you are (unfortunately) likely to hear sexist sentiments even from ppl who really are chill with you being trans. It's not fair and I think a lot of trans women unfortunately probably get to hear an unfair share of this (because a lot of it is based on unrealistic expectations of a 'perfect female body' based on like body shape and a level of hairlessness which lets be real, none of us have, no matter what our agab. Being afraid of 'looking too masculine' is a thing i think every woman has gone through in her life, even if it was when she was just a girl and she's fully over it. ) but unfortunately its really ingrained in a lot of women and therefore you hear it in a lot of female spaces. Now there's literally no excuse and I can imagine that hearing these things when you're trans definitely comes with another layer of hurt, but i hate to think that there are women out there who are thinking that a large percentage of women take issue with them being trans when in reality, that's such a small percentage of ppl (So small in fact that they've got to do all their harassing online and in echo chamber-y spaces like prearranged meet ups and stuff) and you're a lot more likely to hear sexism from ppl who are more than anything hating on themselves

Tldr: your loved ones will just be glad to have another woman in their lives and if they aren't they're a bag of dicks and definitely part of a minority of ppl. Strangers really won't care and will treat you like any other woman which often means being nice and warning ppl about toilet roll, but can sometimes mean being a dick to you. (terfs making out that women's bathrooms and other female spaces are these loving maternal spaces all the time are talking out of their arses.) there's definitely something special about the shared experiences between two women (whether they be cis or trans) and we want to share that with you guys, but the shadow of internalised sexism is real (its not about you, its about them) and that's unfortunately something you're gonna feel in these places sometimes just like every woman does

The worst thing you can do, as someone who has recently realised they are transfem, is to let terves and transphobes convince you cis women will never accept you.

I was told that when I came out everyone would reject me. That I would find myself isolated from the world, and from other women especially, who would react to me with horror and revulsion.

In reality, within the first months of coming out, in no particular order:

My sister's reaction on my coming out was, "Right, so I have a sister instead of a brother. Cool. I'm taking you clothes shopping tomorrow."

A friend, when she learned I am a woman, immediately invited me to her women-only, girls-night-out birthday party the following week.

Another friend, when a friend of hers expressed doubts about my gender, immediately shut them down and reaffirmed I am a woman.

I went camping with a group of friends, and we had two tents, one for the boys and one for the girls; I was unsure as to which I should enter, to which a girl friend responded by grabbing me and physically dragging me inside the women's tent.

In the women's bathroom at a movie theatre a random woman, whom I'd never seen before and haven't seen since, stopped me as I was going into a stall, to warn me there was no toilet paper in there, because she'd just used the last of it.

All of these, and more, some from friends, some from complete strangers. All within a few months, as a trans woman who hadn't started medical transition yet, and was very visible as being a trans woman.

I've had some people reject me, true, but the vast majority, including almost all cis women, accepted me as a sister with open arms.

Cis women are cool. It's terves who are bigots.

[girlsbtrs]

An Interview with PLEXXAGLASS

Written by Olivia Khiel. Graphic by James N Grey. 

Non-binary dark pop artist PLEXXAGLASS has found their identity and carved out their own space in the music world. With the pandemic putting things on hold, they took to TikTok, reaching a new community of queer fans to connect with through songs like “Liar” and “Lilith” (the latter produced by Linkin Park’s Mike Shinoda). GBTRS spoke with Plexxaglass about collaborating with Shinoda, their gender identity journey and what they hope listeners will connect with in their music.

Girls Behind the Rock Show: Now that you have more music out, how would you describe the evolution of your sound from when you started to where you are now?

Plexxaglass: I love that question. Because it's kind of funny- I feel like I made a little bit of a circle. I say that because the first two songs that I put out- "Lament en Route" and "Liar"- they're pretty similar sonically to the songs that I'm putting out. So much so that I'm actually going to include those songs on the LP that I'll be releasing, tentatively in October. There's an interesting little gap between those first two songs, and then I put out three other songs that was like my experimental phase. I'm always having fun, but I was trying some different things. I'm happy that I did that and there were two music videos that came out of that cycle or phase. Those songs are "Dead-Eyed Monsters" and "Ana Thema". But I feel like I found my way back to what I found initially, which is really interesting and fun to realize now.

GBTRS: What's the story behind your latest singles? What was it like collaborating with Mike Shinoda on "Lilith"?

Plexxaglass: "Lilith" was a half-finished song honestly- maybe even a quarter-finished song when I even got in touch with Mike. That happened so serendipitously-I had a listener who was also a regular viewer of my Twitch channel and a huge Linkin Park and Shinoda fan in general who hit me up on Instagram and was like, 'Mike Shinoda is producing independent artists' tracks, you should totally submit'. 

I submitted what I had of "Lilith" at the time, which was only a verse and the hook. It was a song that I loved and I knew that I wanted to be finished. I'm not one of those musicians that can just be like, 'alright, I'm gonna write a song today'. I really have to be called by the Muses or some shit. I have to be very inspired. But when Mike reached out to me, that was incentive and inspiration enough. I think when I was sitting down to finish it, I finished in maybe 20 minutes. That's just how it happens sometimes. When it's there, it's there and I finish songs really quickly. The process of working with Mike was amazing, and him and his team told me in the beginning that it was going to be pretty hands off on my part. I knew going in that I was gonna have to take it or leave it, which was sort of scary. I was like, oh shit, what if I don't like it? Am I gonna have to tell Mike Shinoda that I don't want to release the work that he did on my track? Oh my god, that's so scary. But no, of course, he's just so versatile. He really is a musician's musician, and he just gets music in general- doesn't matter what genre it is. I believe my song is the one that he finished the fastest, which is very flattering. It made me feel like it was just very ready. He didn't really have to do too much to it. It was a really, really cool experience that I just will cherish forever and ever and ever.

GBTRS: The song came out beautifully so it's great that things worked out so well.

Plexxaglass: Yeah! And the inspiration behind that one- I wrote it out of a fascination with the second season of The Handmaid's Tale. I found that dynamic so fascinating. I find women or femme-presenting people who [are] in a marginalized group who buys into very oppressive religious practices horrifying and fascinating at the same time. That was the inspiration behind writing that and really sitting with wondering if there's ever an awakening with those people. That was really the basis for that whole song.

GBTRS: You've gotten to collab with Mike Shinoda, but is there anyone else on your list that you'd love to be in the studio with in the future?

Plexxaglass: Oh god, yeah. So many. Right off the top of my head...I love Bishop Briggs, I love Dermot Kennedy, Bon Iver, Annie from St. Vincent, Florence Welch. Those are the big ones. I would die happy if I ever got to collaborate with any of them. That would be amazing.

GBTRS: What else do you find yourself drawing inspiration from these days?

Plexxaglass: Up until this point, it's been very autobiographical. It's been very much things that have happened in my life. I am trying to get away from that because I'm somebody who writes more somber music. I have some anthemic stuff that's more uplifting, but it is dark pop. I am at a point in my life where I'm generally- I'm mentally ill- but I'm generally a happy person. There's not a lot of dramatic tragedy going on in my life at 30 anymore. I'm trying to write a little more abstractly these days, but the themes that seem to always reoccur are very social justice motivated. Writing about mental illness and mental health are all themes that I tend to write about over and over again in different ways.

GBTRS: You've been very vocal and open about your gender identity and that's very important to so many people who are looking to find themselves in the people that they listen to. Do you have any advice for people who are struggling with that, or even advice for creatives who are in the industry who are working through that as well? 

Plexxaglass: So my coming out as non-binary is still honestly pretty new. I came out publicly about it a little over a year ago. It's something that I always knew, but growing up we just didn't have the language for it. I didn't really know why I felt so out of place and that it felt like such a struggle to present as feminine as possible so as not to feel like I was an outsider. I spent many years trying very hard to conform. 

I think a lot of it was literature that talked about neo-pronouns [that] was something that happened for me that was really an eye-opener. I knew at that point that there were people who used they/them pronouns [and] identified as non-binary, but for some reason, it didn't really click until a book called Black Sun. They have a character that uses neo-pronouns. It just really slapped me in the face. 

I'm really lucky. My friends and family have been almost apathetic about it- like 'that totally makes sense'. The other thing that really helped me was honestly TikTok as well. There is a large trans and non-binary community on TikTok. That was where I really found community, because it was scary to me, because I have conformed for so long. Being a woman was something that I made a very clear part of my identity for so long, that I was scared to lose that community.

I would just say to anyone who is afraid of that: anyone who doesn't still want to welcome you in their space isn't a person you want in your life anyway. I've been lucky that I haven't really had a lot of that. It was a struggle to let go of that. After I came out publicly, I was looking through my closet and I have all of these shirts that say Girl Club and Badass Woman [and] all of these because I was trying so hard. It was difficult to let go of that and come to terms with the fact that it really never was me- it was a mask that I was putting on to feel included and normal.

GBTRS: Do you have a song in your catalog that particularly resonates with you?

Plexxaglass: There's a song that's coming out in August. It's the last single off of this record [and] it's called "Tall". It is about being a trauma survivor- my trauma- and just a rallying cry for trauma survivors in general. I have put out little teasers of it on TikTok and it does seem like it's really resonating with people, which is very exciting. But out of the catalog of songs that I have out currently, the song "Liar"...it's kind of similar in tone. I wrote it after I was diagnosed Bipolar II. It's a song that's very clearly about mental health struggles and I think anyone who does struggle with depression really does relate to that song. That song was the one that really gifted me listeners from TikTok. So that's a song I'll always cherish for many, many reasons, but it has definitely brought me my little music family.

GBTRS: Now that you're starting to connect even more with your listeners, is there anything specific that you hope people take away from your music when they hear you for the first time?

Plexxaglass: I think, like most people, I wanted to create a little community, and I do feel like I'm finally getting to a point where I'm doing that with my music and connecting people and their experiences. 

GBTRS: Now that things are starting to move forward, what's coming up for you?

Plexxaglass: I want to get back to playing shows. I definitely want to pair a show with the release of the record, so I'm hoping I'm going to book some shows for the fall. Get back into rehearsals with a band and get that going and just keep writing and coming up with new material for the next wave of music.

GBTRS: Is there anything else that you want people to know about you or your music, or is there anything that you wish you got to talk about more that you might not get asked?

Plexxaglass: Wow, good question. I think a lot of people don't realize that musicians- especially independent artists- this is this is our small business. It takes a lot of work, obviously, it takes talent and patience, but it takes money. That's why they're there are gaps in time of when I put music out, because sometimes I just legitimately can't afford to- which is sad, I wish that the US had more support for artists like I know other countries do- I know that the UK is really good about grant opportunities for their artists out there. 

I know that people are happy to consume music, but I think people don't realize- especially in the independent side of things- how hard it is to be a musician who's trying to make it in this country. I appreciate everyone who has ever just randomly sent me like $2 on PayPal. It means so much to me because it means that they get that and I think that is something really special and cool about the family that I'm building with my music because they think that they really see me and they appreciate the work. It's people who genuinely want to be involved in my work, and that is something I've never experienced before until the past year or two. That's awesome because myself and my producer, Kevin...we love this project to death. It's awesome to see response from people who love it just as much as we do.

[chuckbass-love]

hi love! can I request a Bucky Barnes x trans!female reader fic? Reader has had a lot of bad experience with guys in terms of dating and so when Bucky decides to boldly and honestly flirt with her at a stark party, reader is surprised and shocked that someone *actually* likes her. Bucky finds this appalling and takes her out on a fun date. thank you!!

Hi love, thank you so much for the request! I’ve got the other two from you and the ideas in my head right now.. i feel like i’m about to explode! 

I was going to upload this tomorrow but tbh, i’m too excited about it so imma give it to you now, the other two will be uploaded between now and Thursday.

Disclaimer: My work is not to be posted anywhere else other than MY Tumblr, Wattpad and Ao3 without my permission. However, reblogs are welcome.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Trans!Female Reader 

Warnings: Fluff overload 

Word Count: 1,504

GIF NOT MINE!!! Credit to @sunoficarus go check them out 💙

I Like You

You don’t know why you even bothered coming here in the first place, but yet here you are. 

One of many parties thrown by Tony Stark who by the way dragged you here. 

You make sure to greet everyone that you know, sending soft and welcome smiles to those you don’t before you make your way over to the bar and sit down. 

You order a porn star martini and tap your heel on the side of the stool, glancing around the room to see what everyone is up to.

That’s when a soothing voice breaks you from your daze, causing you to jolt slightly.

“Sorry i didn’t mean to scare you” you turn your head to find him sitting next to you... Bucky Barnes.

You know of him, seen him around at other events but you’ve never spoken to him. He’s a friend of Steve’s but you and Steve aren’t all that close so he never introduced you to him.

“It’s fine, my own fault for daydreaming i guess” you giggle nervously. 

He’s hot, of course he is but he’d never like you back. A girl can fantasise though, right?

You’ve never really had a proper relationship, or at least one that counted. Sure you’ve dated but it never ended well. The guys were all jerks and you began to give up hope of a guy actually ever treating you right.

The last one lasted a good 4 months, he was nice enough for a while and then bam, he cheated. 

Tony has tried to set you up a couple times, so have Natasha and Wanda but it’s not your style, being set up that is.

You’re picky and prefer to scout the guys out yourself rather than have someone do it for you and besides, you’re enjoying the single life right now. Being alone and having time to yourself to focus on work and building your confidence up. 

“So, i’ve seen you around a lot, you know at these parties” he speaks up, you sip at your drink.

“Yeah, i’ve seen you too. You’re Steve’s friend right?” he nods, you do too. 

“I gotta say though, i’ve been meaning to talk to you for a while tonight. I just, every time i tried to, i got too nervous” he chuckles, your eyes widen. 

You make him nervous?

Why?

“I’m sure i don’t” you look around the room, avoiding his eyes. 

He doesn’t like you, you’re just taking it the wrong way. The man is probably nervous around new people. You’re not his type, surely.

“You do, i’m sure you get that everywhere you go right?” 

Okay, what is his deal?

“I actually don’t” he looks shocked, his jaw practically falls to the floor, his eyes grow wide and he shakes his head.

“What?”

“Are you single?”

What even is this?

“I am indeed, yourself?” he nods in response. 

How can a guy like him be single?

“I’m sorry i just, i never expected you to be sing-” you cut him off.

“What is this huh? Some sort of prank? You chatting to me to win a bet?” you snap, your words coming off meaner than intended. 

“N-no, it’s not a bet. I like you or at least like how you look. I just, i’ve heard so many great things from everyone and you’re beautiful. I just wanted to ask you out but didn’t wanna jump straight in before probing a bit that’s all. I’ll leave to it, sorry for the trouble”

He gets off stool, your heart sinks, you stop him.

“Wait” 

He turns around

“I’m sorry”

“It’s not every day that i have guys flirt with me so i just, i got a bit defensive. I guess i just assume that no one would want to even talk to me let alone find me attractive” you look down at your hands but not for long.

He lifts your head up with his finger under your chin.

“Well then they are fools and i better snap you up whilst the queue is short” you can’t help but giggle again. He’s funny not to mention very hot.

“So is that a yes then?” he raises his eyebrows at you, waiting for your answer.

“It’s a yes” you sip your drink, getting off the stool.

You lean closer, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. 

“Great, i guess i should get your number then right?” you take the phone from his shaky hands, typing the number into it before walking away.

“Text me your address gorgeous and i’ll pick you up at 8:00″ you smile as you walk away from him and into the sea of people.

-----------------

Okay Y/N pull yourself together, this is not the time to get the nerves. 

He’ll be here any minute. It’s 7:58pm and he said he’d be here at 8:00.

You have 2 minutes to pull yourself together.

*3 KNOCKS* 

That’s him, omg. He’s early.

You let out a deep breath, trying to relax your tensed shoulders. 

He mentioned that he wanted you to dress casual so you have on some high waisted black jeans with a yellow top, thin straps and low back. You check yourself out in the mirror before grabbing your bag and coat and heading to the door.

You open it to reveal him stood there, jeans and a white shirt. He looks so good. You feel your legs turn to jelly at the sight.

“WOW” he ogles you, not even trying to hide it.

“What?” you smirk

“You just look really good. I don’t feel good enough to be going on a date with you” you wave him off and step outside.

“Oh shush, you look good too by the way. Anyways where are we going?” he shrugs. 

“That my dear is a surprise” he tuts at you.

His hand brushes past yours as you walk, still unsure of where he’s taking you.

“So, tell me about yourself. How long have you been single?” you sigh at his question.

“A year now. I’ve not had the best experience with guys. They all ended up using me for sex or cheating i guess”

“God, i’m sorry to hear that. Steve mentioned about you being you know”

You laugh again.

“Trans? Yeah you can say the word you know it’s not a swear word. But yeah, i find a lot of men lately just want to mess around or have a girl but not be too serious about her and i grew tired of it so i decided to stay away. So when you approached me at the party, i didn’t think in a million years someone would actually like me and want to talk let alone be nervous to talk to me”

He takes a hold of your hand, holding it as you talk.

“So how come you’re single?” 

“Well let’s just say women do like me but not the ones i want” you feel your cheeks heat up.

“So what is your type?”

“I like women with something to them. Women who are independent, sassy and of course women who are sexy”

He lets go of your hand, coming to a halt.

“Of course i don’t just want anyone though. I want you. I know that’s cliche but yeah. So i plucked up the courage to ask you out and here we are” he gestures to the sight in front of you.

“A fairground. OMG” you squeal, taking his hand in yours and running through the entrance.

He gets you some tokens for the rides and attractions. 

First up, bumper cars.

----------------------

“Alright alright, you won. Happy now?” you roll your eyes.

“Ecstatic” 

You can’t help but smile from ear to ear as you grip onto your giant panda stuffed toy that Bucky won you at one of the games.

“This panda is quite literally the fluffiest and the largest thing ever. He’s going to be taking up a whole lotta room in my house” 

You walk side by side, back to your place.

“What you gonna name him?” 

“James” 

He told you his first name, so it only seemed right to name the panda after him. After all, he did win it for you.

“Very cute” 

“Just like you then huh”

You come to a stop as you reach your house.

“So this me” you nod.

“I had the best time tonight” you second that.

You look into his eyes, getting lost in them. It doesn’t take much.

You see him leaning closer, you follow. Your heads both tilt, coming closer until your lips touch.

The kiss is magical, like nothing you’ve ever experienced before.

“I’d love to see you again”

“I can’t say i blame you. When?” 

He looks shocked, as though he can’t believe you want to see him again too.

“How’s Friday?” your smile is getting bigger.

“Perfect”

“I’ll see you then” 

And with that, he presses another kiss to your lips, a little more open mouthed this time.

“Goodnight Y/N”

“Goodnight Bucky” you walk away, swaying your hips.

------------------

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Let me know if you want to be included in my general tag list or a tag list for a specific person!

REQUESTS ARE OPEN!!

[gnostic-heretic]

And when I say a lot of t*rf posts end up on my dashboard I mean it and it’s always so hard to try to separate between the people who are ultimately well meaning and didn’t know and those who spread this stuff maliciously. That post is right tho if you know what r*dfem transmisogyny and transphobia looks and sounds like it’s harder to fall for these posts... the shitty thing about t*rf shit is that it trickles down, in a progressive scale from their blogs to seemingly “neutral” (but never actually neutral*) blogs that maybe sound a little iffy but never outright call themselves g/ender critical or name trans people, onto complicit popular discourse blogs and then on people’s dashboards. *Hell one time I saw a blog that seemed like an innocent supergirl femslash blog just to find she reblogged constantly from t*rfs posts that were just on the borderline and never outright mentioned trans people, only buzzwords and this is what I mean by “neutral” blogs that are actually complicit. This blog has a lot of followers. How many of them reblog these posts uncritically? And I wish there were more lists of said buzzwords and how to recognise them but

The reality is that we trans people especially trans women have to be constantly on the watch for shit like this. We know the arguments and we know why they’re bullshit. Meanwhile cis people don’t really know the specifics of their ideology and seem to fall for it over and over. And the worst thing about it is that t*rfs use this as confirmation bias that their ideas are actually good and everyone would agree with them if they just present it without the slurs and mocking. But the slurs demeaning and mocking are a fundamental part of it, and of trans exclusion in general. Fear mongering and dehumanising trans people are the mean to wiping us out of existence.

I won’t explain why those ideas are wrong because I’m starting from the assumption that my followers are not transphobic and don’t find statements like “trans women are women” controversial, but buzzwords include (warning for blunt discussions of transphobia):

- expressing “concern” about men invading women’s spaces or the “purity” of said spaces (they don’t use the word purity but as a concept in general). This concern is never explained, only stated, because once you look into it you find that it’s actually about trans women. As a side note, the whole “invasion” thing is a popular one and it is reminiscent of white s*premacist bullshit ... this idea that since gay trans people are “actually straight” we will eventually outnumber “the real” gay people by calling ourselves gay and invading their spaces. the more you know ... if this doesn’t ring a bell you need to look into actual n*zi theories like “the gre//at re\\placement” and then we can talk again. The jump from t*rf to alt-ri/ght trad mom is shorter and swifter than either of those groups would have you believe

- “males can’t be lesbians” a pretty non controversial statement if it wasn’t that male is code for trans women. “Men who fetishise lesbians” is also a tricky one because while this is indeed a real issue, they’re referring to “auto/g/ynephilia” aka the idea that the reason lesbian and bi trans women transition at all is just because they fetishise the idea of themselves as a woman/lesbian (contrapoints has a good in depth video about this that explains better than I ever could) — on the same note talk about how “male sexuality” is something inherently corrupt, oppressing, and violent, and cannot be healthy ever, without any other context given is also usually code for “trans women are perverts and sexual predators” . The word “p//ornsick” also comes up often so watch out for it.

- the pervasive idea that a group of “straight people fetishising being gay/a lesbian” is out there and threatening REAL gay/lesbian spaces starts from here. I’ve mentioned a/utogy/nephilia but “fujoshi” is usually code for gay trans men, with a similar idea behind it. We’re not really gay men, just straight women who fetishise the idea of ourselves as a gay man... at least that’s the idea behind it.

- which brings us to the point. “straight people invading gay spaces” is usually if not always code for gay trans people.

- kinda related to the above point, honestly you’re all fools if you think the whole ace discourse bullshit wasn’t just eventually a path to trans and bisexual exclusion. Trans and bi people have been saying this for years but no one wants to listen. That’s not to say that exclusionists are t*rfs but those ideas were popularised by them... that’s just to say learn where your ideology comes from before you endorse it and embrace it

- similarly “queer is a slur” started there so you might want to reconsider why you’ve been convinced to tag your posts “q slur” by people who use other homophobic slurs pretty liberally lol . “Queer means straight people invade our spaces!” + any talk about gnc straight men/women and how it doesn’t make them queer or lgbt, Yeah, this was about never about “gnc” it was trans people all along. The implication is that trans people don’t exist, so we can be nothing but gnc “males/females”. Congrats! You’re a fool! Now don’t make me read this bullshit ever again.

- stuff that makes fun of said “gnc people” “queers” , man buns, undercuts, brightly coloured hair, specific names (aiden comes to my mind) careful about posts that mock the concept of “queering heterosexuality” they’re usually about gay couples with one trans and one cis person, or where both people are trans but with different asab. (ie a gay trans man dating a pan cis man, a trans woman and an afab nb person dating will get mocked as “straight people” who are just pretending to be anything but) sometimes it’s also about bi people jsyk but...

- “forcing young lesbians to not identify as lesbians”/“stop telling young lesbians they should be/are men” is also a big thing. implies that trans people are out there recruiting teenagers who would otherwise be cis lesbians (or more rarely cis gay men) and forcing them into identifying as trans. “young lesbians” also doesn’t always mean young lesbians it’s usually meant to misgender trans men who already identify as men (but in this theoretical framework trans as a concept is nonexistent, a perversion, a delusion, so what could we be but porn/sick straight people or delusional, misguided cis gays who fall victim of a conspiracy)

- entire blogs dedicated to d/etransition (or “reidentifi/cation” as they call it now) experiences that don’t bother to acknowledge that their experience is not universal and au contraire seem to want to push detransition as the one way to happiness especially for afab people. Yes I do think that people who detransition should be able to talk about it, but if the conclusions you draw are “this didn’t work for me so it’s toxic and bad for everyone”, and openly advocate against trans people’s existence, you’re full of shit. Only a small percentage of trans people detransition: over 90% of us are satisfied with the results. It’s all just concern trolling.

- posts about how dysphoria is either a “delusion” or a “normal female experience”, posts that sound a lot like body positivity but they’re actually pushing for detransition (ie you should accept your body as is, surgery is mutilation of your already perfect body etc etc) this is also tricky but it’s all in the language. Phrases like “young women who undergo surgery to fix their already good bodies” could refer to a variety of things but it’s all in the context. Words like “reconnect” “reidentification” are usually presented as alternative. Dysphoria is usually not named and referred to as a delusion or social pressure and something that should never be considered real, ie if you see something like “young women undergo surgery to chase a delusion” it probably comes from a t*rf. be wary of any surgery talk in general is my point because it’s usually presenting gcs as on the same level of lip fillers and Botox (ignoring that trans people face infinite struggles to access surgery and social ostracism for pursuing medical transition so it’s not the same AT ALL)

- talk about stuff like “hrt is dangerous actually” and “binding is horrible actually”? Yeah. You can guess where it comes from. It’s important to acknowledge the risks of hrt/binding but sensationalism about how it’s dangerous and could kill you and so on... it’s just overblown concern trolling to convince people that medical transition is mutilation and a conspiracy to kill the above mentioned “young lesbians”

- sentiments akin to “t*rf is a slur used against lesbians” even if not presented this way are also a red flag, sorry. If you don’t want to be called a t*rf, maybe don’t speak and act like one.

- the sad news is in the end there’s no way to discern whether someone is a t*rf or not because a lot of the time these same talking points come from blogs that have little “t*rfs don’t interact tee hee!” Banners on their description. A lot of r/adfem blogs out there are side blogs of people you wouldn’t usually suspect. Maybe they are vocal against trans exclusion, and in support of trans people, and then switch accounts to hurl about how horrible it is that they feel forced to welcome us “sexual pervert straight people” into their spaces. That’s why imo it’s more important to recognise the ideology than it is to look for clues. Again, if it sounds like one, it’s probably one :’)

[momestuck]

Epilogues: Candy, chapters 6-13 [the rest of Epilogue 2]

I’m told that there are 40 chapters, and a postscript, in Candy - and also that it’s split into 8 individual ‘epilogues’ within that, of varying length. ‘Epilogue 2′ began with chapter 4, featuring Rose and Kanaya. So I kind of cut it off in exactly the wrong place. Oops!

Anyway I’m going to split these up by Epilogue section from now on. This one covers the rest of Epilogue 2, which mostly concerns shipping, and processing of feelings.

Here are the irons in the fire at the outset of chapter 6:

Gamzee is back! he claims to be setting out on a ‘redemption arc’

Terezi is in space somewhere looking for Vriska, but set to return at some point, and not all that happy that Gamzee’s back

Dirk has perceived some bad news. And briefly spoken about it with Jane, though without explaining anything.

But that’s all Epilogue 1 stuff - old hat!

Rose has suddenly recovered from her illness, and is patching things up with Kanaya

Jade has attempted to push Dave and Karkat to admit they’re into each other, but really just made things worse

Jane attempted to run for President of Earth C - to the trepidation of the Karkat, who hyperbolically suggested this would amount to troll genocide - but abandoned the idea

That’s all interesting but let’s talk about money! This is something I didn’t pick up on in the last post:

KARKAT: OK, SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. YOUR PRIORITIES ARE: NUMBER ONE, THE ECONOMY, WHICH LET ME REMIND YOU IS BUILT ENTIRELY ON INFINITE, FAKE MONEY THAT WE CAN MAKE AS MUCH OF AS WE WANT.

Elsewhere, Jane’s megacorp and stocks are mentioned.

One wonders why, given the machinery to manufacture just about anything by means of alchemizer, the forms of money, stocks, and corporations are retained... what sort of productive and reproductive labour is regulated and mediated by these markets? Or are they merely acting out the vestigial forms of capitalism as a bizarre drama...

As for the consequences of an infinite money supply, let’s not get into the ‘modern monetary theory’ debate on a Homestuck post, maybe.

on to chapter 6+

This is a Jane chapter. It opens almost immediately with economic discussion; Dave apparently once accused Jane of ‘neoliberal corporate welfare’ for trying to bolster the ‘struggling locksmith industry’ rendered unnecessary on a planet without crime.

She’s visiting Jake, who’s probably my least favourite Homestuck character (who’s not an alpha troll). About Dirk... Jake (Jane says) seems to still have a bit of a thing for him, and Jane, meanwhile, still “has no idea why she can’t get [Jake] out of her system, even after all these years.”

The reason Jane cancelled her run was, it turns out, because Dirk said ‘cancel everything’. She gets drunk, very quickly... and hits on Jake, who is completely oblivious to her advances. She speaks of wanting to abandon business to raise a family, which Jake himself notes is something rather new for her (though the whole traditional gender thing she does isn’t lol)

Jake/Jane isn’t a ship I have any sort of opinion about, honestly. Dirk/Jake’s terrible collapsing relationship was kind of interesting but yeah, here’s a thing. What even are heterosexuals though? “I want to clean your giant house and have a lot of children”... incomprehensible!

One thing I will give credit for is the narration: it creates pretty strong images of like, these characters as fully embodied people, being intimate in like, subtle physical ways. that probably doesn’t make a lot of sense... whatever lol. it works

chapter 7

...brings us back to Gamzee. fittingly, i’m listening to the friendsim soundtrack as i read this, and i just hit ‘take me to clown church’.

anyway since this whole story basically seems to be an exercise in developing ships along the lines of ‘A is into B, B is obvious to their advances’... Roxy’s hot for John now I guess? or at least, so Callie thinks. she insists they’re all going to be ‘very, very happy’ despite her disappointment.

anyway, then we get Gamzee saying a bunch of casually misogynist stuff to John about Roxy. in this context, basically two interpretations are shown: a shallow ‘oh he’s redeemed now’ attitude from Roxy and Callie, and a ‘oh god i hate this person keep him away from me’ attitude from John. Gamzee’s repulsive qualities are underlined by the narration (from John’s perspective): he’s unhygienic, he’s casually misogynist (which seems like a new element, and rather out of keeping with the gendered-but-somehow-theoretically-not-patriarchal Alternia)...

chapter 8

Rose and Kanaya chapter. Jane’s possible presidency is once again the subject of discussion. Jane apparently wanted to apply some kind of anti-troll eugenics policy, and tried to bring Kanaya on board - and got told to fuck off for it. Our two good lesbians agree that, if Karkat were president (and Dave running the economy), things might have worked out ok...

We are briefly introduced to a new character, a jadeblood troll called Swifer Eggmop. Her character archetype, we are directly told, is ‘1920s newsboy’.

We bear witness to an egg hatching (in prose, anyway). This particular baby grub out closely resembling Vriska... which Kanaya says is because she comes from a slurry based on the original 12 trolls. Rose notes this would make Vriska the troll’s Ancestor, which raises an interesting question of whether Ancestors still exist as a social concept on Earth C. Anyway, Kanaya wants to adopt baby Vriska, which can only be a fantastic idea...

KANAYA: There Are Two Things Of Which I Have No Doubt

KANAYA: That You And I Are Going To Be Happy For The Rest Of Our Lives

KANAYA: And That We Are Never Ever Going To See Vriska Again

I think we can safely assume that neither of those things are true. The emphasis on ‘happiness forever’, voiced by multiple characters, is interesting... also the turn towards reproduction.

I went to uni with people who have kids now. Heck I have friends who have a child (who they are trying to spare from gender)... but for most of my social circle, which is to say almost entirely 20-to-30-something trans women, even the idea of adopting is incomprehensible? It’s somehow weird to think of ‘wanting kids’ as the narrative of 20-something year olds...

Kanaya is right. Vriska is dead, and despite everything, she died a hero. Vriska was a complicated figure of contrasting extremes; her heroic actions were matched in scale only by her monstrous ones, and since no one had actually witnessed her end, it was impossible to say which side the pendulum swung and judged her death—Heroic or Just.

It would be a fitting memorial for her and Kanaya to raise a version of Vriska who would be given every chance to make good on her noble characteristics. A true, symbolic redemption arc. Something about the thought appeals to Rose’s taste for the dramatic flourish. It would be proof that this was all worth it in the end: the destruction of multiple universes, the death of Kanaya’s friends, the circuitous rites of suffering experienced by the nearly infinite splintered versions of every being to inhabit Paradox Space...  

Once again, the notion of a ‘redemption arc’ enters the narrative explicitly, directly echoing fandom discussion. Unlike Gamzee, this is studiously neutral on the Vriska Question: steering exactly between ‘Vriska did nothing wrong’, nor ‘Vriska is a monster’. Regardless... I think it’s probably safe to say that everyone’s prophecies are wrong and we haven’t seen the last of the ‘true’ Vriska.

chapter 9

More of Jade trying very hard to ship her friends, to the discomfort of everyone involved. Jade kisses Karkat, and Karkat explicitly names what she’s doing as sexual assault, a violation of boundaries and consent - Jade attempts to convince him that no, it was really Dave who kissed him!

This prompts a long monologue from Dave in which it’s obvious that he has put some thought into kissing Karkat. Point seems to be: they sure are into each other but Jade’s intervention is not at all welcome. At least I hope that’s the point. I would prefer not to see Jade vindicated by the narrative.

Anyway, other things of cultural note: grub spaghetti is apparently still eaten on Earth C. I always thought it was implied that ‘grubs’ in Troll food were like, actual troll babies, but maybe they’re just ordinary (for certain values thereof...) bugs bc I don’t think Kanaya would stand for that.

chapter 10

The ‘Jane running for president’ subplot has largely disappeared, because what we’re really here for is... shipping! This time, a John/Roxy chapter. I think they call it Roxygen or something? Terezi explains the ‘pair the spares’ logic of the ship (dequirkified):

TEREZI: Um, yeah John.

TEREZI: We are not idiots. We can all do the math on this.

TEREZI:  It’s not like you were going to fuck your human mom or human sister.

TEREZI: And you are “not a homosexual,” which takes Strider dick out of the equation.

TEREZI: And Kanaya is the only girl troll left, and she lesbian married one of the two remaining eligible human females.

TEREZI: Oh and Jake is a double threat. A human dad with a human dick!

TEREZI: So by a process of elimination, of *course* you were going to “fall in love” with Roxy.

Equation of ‘dick’ with ‘male’ there terezi but whatever... (god is this fic going to get into the question of what a ‘nook’ and a ‘bulge’ is...)

(lol i���m calling it a fic...)

Anyway, my position on this one is: Roxy/Calliope was a fine ship worth upholding, and I do not see any reason why anyone would be into John. Though I may be biased on that front.

Terezi also brings up the Calliope question. John is trepidatious on that front.

There’s an interesting line from Roxy here, when John tries to assure her she doesn’t have to wear makeup:

ROXY: john...

ROXY: do u ever think about like

ROXY: gender???

JOHN: ???

JOHN: uh. not really, i guess?

JOHN: but i don’t think girls should feel like they HAVE to wear makeup just because they’re girls.

ROXY: lol

ROXY: thats not what im getting at

JOHN: what do you mean then?

JOHN: are you, like...

ROXY: like what

This is where I’m conscious of the ‘trans character’ tag on this one.

They talk about adulthood, as a performance that they do not feel ‘ready’ for. At that point Dave shows up, clearly aflustered after Jade’s intervention:

DAVE: anyone can be a dude if they really want thats part of the beauty of living in this brand new world with none of the baggage our old world had like gender and sexuality and relationships only involving a very specific number of people

chapter 11

So yeah now to pick up the torch on Dave starting to understand he’s gay. here for this

DAVE: theres a metric fucking ton of shit about to come down on me because i dragged my heels on doing some serious self reflection

JOHN: is this just some more stuff about...

JOHN: being gay?

DAVE: maybe yeah

DAVE: ok definitely yeah

DAVE: its 110% about being gay

JOHN: i thought you’d already worked all that stuff out?

DAVE: turns out it takes a long time to figure out your sexuality after a childhood filled with repression and abuse

nice to see it named as such i guess

the dialogue in the last couple of chapters has been really good. i’m getting properly drawn into this, the characters feel extremely well-realised. threads which were long latent are finally being made explicit.

Dave is struggling with very abrupt self-realisation: he definitely has feelings for Karkat, he has complicated feelings for Jade, but the ‘simple’ solution of just entering a non-mono relationship both is not feeling ‘right’ to him. John isn’t really able to help... he’s gonna talk to Dirk.

This chapter does a lot, I really like it, but at the same time I’ve not got a tremendous amount to add to it.

chapter 12

in our latest chapter of ‘homestuck but they fuck now’, Jake and Jane did that - while up on various substances, including at least alcohol and the trickster lollipop. Jake is having second thoughts but when he tries to back out, Jane looks sad, so he decides to go for it. This can only end well.

Also damn I guess someone on the team thought ‘what would it be like to fuck while high on the trickster lollipop’ so uh, that’s a thing now.

chapter 13

Back to the Strider boys. There’s a heavy intro...

Dave and Dirk don’t talk that much about the heavy stuff. They don’t need to. Dave can hear his brother’s voice in his head.

Not, like, literally. That would be insane. But Dave knows what his bro is like. Dirk, or a version of him, instilled in Dave a way of living and thinking that would, for better or worse, persist far beyond the first thirteen years of his upbringing.

Yeah huh.

Can’t believe Rose and Kanaya have the dubious honour of being the most ‘together’ characters in this.

Anyway in this case Dave still feels like he needs to talk to Dirk - who we know has gone awol, for some mysterious reason. He meets... Gamzee, who says some religious clown stuff, and offers Dave a redemption arc (really running this joke into the ground huh), but Dave brushes him off. Then he finds a fembot that Dirk was working on, with a note.

We don’t get to read the note yet. I would guess that’s the end of epilogue 2.

Sure enough it is.

Epilogue 2, taken as a whole

I quite enjoyed this, Gamzee sections notwithstanding. The prose is tight, the dialogue is hitting its flow, and a lot of relationships that were left vague in Homestuck proper are finally being given time to develop.

Obviously it’s kind of risky bringing in explicitly sexual themes, but I think they approach them in the ‘right’ way: focusing on the emotional meaning of relationships that now might - now we’re dealing with 23-year-olds - include sex, rather than just porn lol. It does slightly strain credibility that, in all their time on Earth C, none of them have made any meaningful friendships or relationships outside the core group of 8 kids and a handful of surviving trolls, but I can also understand the desire to focus on the already-developed characters. That’s a common problem for ‘endgame’ ships: in truth dating exclusively within a tiny friendship group is probably a recipe for disaster, but in fiction it makes a work manageable.

I am enjoying just how gay Homestuck has gotten. If Homestuck is the comic for Very Online kids who were around 13 in 2009 when the comic began, it’s somewhat fitting, because our cohort has, at least to a degree, done the same thing lol. Of course, that’s shaped by my personal experience of like, transitioning and moving to a friendship group that’s like 99% trans lesbians and bi women, but I suspect statistics would bear out the idea that more and more people are comfortable identifying ourselves as not-straight in some way. I could be wrong about that though lol.

Of course, it’s too much to hope that this trend - insofar as it exists! - is like, the beginning of the end for Gender as a system of social relations, violent exploitation and coercion - especially since periods of ‘more acceptance’ often seem to precede violent repression (c.f. Weimar Germany and then, the nazis; the period just before the AIDS crisis; much earlier, the construction of colonial/modern gender in the first place on the bones of less rigid gender systems...)

Anyway, let’s see what’s happened to old Dirk. I’m still wondering who the “trans character” is going to be, and how they’re going to handle that. It’s going to be tough to match fic like @rememberwhenyoutried‘s An Earth-Shattering Confession, but we shall see.

[masked-fox-creations]

[Fox is back in the new year (disregarding that they missed to reviews and are two days late with this going up) with a gay young adult classic.]

Hello and welcome back to the shelves. I’m your host Fox, and today, it may be a new year but we’re going back to the classics with “Boy Meets Boy”.

This is one of those books that most people have heard about, but not a lot have actually read.

This is one you usually find on lists of classics like “Annie On My Mind” or “Well of Loneliness”. It’s kind of important—very important actually because for a lot of queer people, since it was published in the early 2000s it was one of the firsts or even the first queer book they ever encountered, and probably the first that had a happy ending.

So yeah this book is really important, but is it any good? Yes. Spoiler alert, yes it is good.

Not perfect, of course, and it does show its age in places, but we’ll get to that.

So this is realistic fiction and a high school drama. But it’s probably not like your high school. It certainly wasn’t like mine.

Paul is our main character and he goes to an amazing high school in an amazing little town. Everyone’s so accepting of queer people, even trans woman. If fact the star football player, the quarterback, is a trans girl—Infinite Darlene, and she is probably my favorite character.

Now that’s not to say in “Boy Meets Boy” the world at large is accepting, because a good chunk of the book is about a minor character who comes from a different town. Whose parents are very religious and very strict, and very homophobic, unfortunately. It’s a narrative I feel a lot of us to this day still have to undergo.

Not to give away too many things, but there is a happy ending. Well, a hopeful one, because while it’s not perfect there is room for everyone to be happy and that’s really great in a young adult novel honestly.

One thing that’s really interesting in this book is how people aren’t demonized, it’s the way that people treat other people that’s demonized. There’s always the possibility of growth and the hope that old friendships and families can rekindle after misunderstandings or someone wrongs them. And no one here is perfect, no one’s demonized for their smallest flaws. It’s very human.

Like I said before though, it’s not perfect and in places it really does shows its age. And one of these places is with Infinite Darlene. She’s often called a drag queen and sometimes misgendered but not corrected. And the words trans woman is never used so it kind of conflates drag queens with trans women which is unfortunate but again this was published in 2003, so it’s a little more forgivable than if the book came out, say, today.

Another problem I have is with bisexuality in this book. Now, it’s not portrayed awfully and it’s not exactly demonized, but there was one part in particular that just didn’t set well with me.

First there is a nice validating conversation between the main character and the bisexual character, and it’s very well done. Until this part.

“So you’re bisexual?” Kyle’s face flushes. “I hate that word,” he tells me slumping back in his chair. “It makes me sound like I’m divided.”

And then we get the whole ‘why can’t I just be labeless thing’ which no. Sorry, no, that’s not good bi representation honestly.

But, other than these minor quibbles it is a nice, fun book. It has a little bit of angst, some drama, but at the heart if you’re looking for a cute little high school romance you might give this one a shot. It is a classic for a reason.

Well, that’s it for this time. Next time meet me for “Under the Udala Trees”. Until we meet again.

[End]

There are so many beautiful parts to this book. I mean, take this quote for example. “I wonder if it’s possible to start a new relationship without hurting someone else. I wonder if it’s possible to have happiness without it being at someone else’s expense.”

[thecrookedgavel]

The Black Box Readings - Ep 4 Transcript

Here’s the transcript for episode 4 of The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down.

See Other Episodes

An: Hey, all! And welcome back to The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down! I’m your host, An Capuano. At this point, episodes one, two, and three are up, I’m super happy with some of the responses I got. People said a lot of encouraging things to me about my own stories I told. It’s really gratifying to bare your soul and have people respond positively. It’s strange that I wasn’t even planning on telling such stories when I recorded episode one, but I’m glad I decided to be real with you all. Obviously, I got some negative responses too, but in cases like these, they’re best ignored. 

So let’s get on to the episode! Today’s episode continues with the vibe of the previous one. Lots of positive energy to go around. Last time, Emmy starting dating Selena, came out as trans, and started loving herself. It was great to see her perspective on such positive things, but there is a clear difference this time around. Emmy has started conversing with Selena through reblogs on her Tumblr. So we get to see how they interact as a couple, and the things that they do together.

We’ll start off with a rather affectionate series of posts that contains a bit of cool news. I’ll try and do a distinct enough voice for when Selena is talking, but just in case it’s not enough, I’m going to say when the switch happens outloud.

Starting off with Emmy,

“Here’s my newest piece of art that I made! And it’s a very special picture, too! Can you guess why?” There was likely a photo that started off this thread, but again, I didn’t save any of Emmy’s art. Selena responds with,

“Omg bae, this can’t be what I think it is? Could it be the one you were telling me so much about?”

Emmy Continues,

“Yeah, it is! It’s my first commission! Someone wanted me to draw their OC in my style, and so they gave me a 20 dollar Steam code in exchange! I feel almost legitimate now!”

Then Selena writes,

“Emmy, don’t be silly. You’ve always been a legitimate artist. From the time you started drawing until today, you’ve always been legitimate. Your art is wonderful, and I can’t wait to see your next work!

Emmy responds with,

“Aww, you’re the sweetest! Maybe I’ll dedicate my next piece to you.”

And it continues a bit, but that gives us a good idea of their chemistry together. Now, I don’t remember these posts from the time they were first written, so I only really saw the picture once. I don’t remember it well, but I think it was a full-body shot of a punk character in Emmy’s sort of feminine style. I sort of regret not saving the pictures, but then again, how would I show them to you? 

But I want to point out how natural and sweet these two are together. They’re good for one another, and it really shows in this post. I’m also noticing that Emmy’s imposter syndrome is toned down at this point in time. I think that’s mostly due to Selena’s influence, because it can still crop up even when you’re getting paid. Though we should take a minute to celebrate Emmy getting paid, because getting commissioned is a big deal! Normally discussing prices associated with your art turns people off it completely. So I’m really glad she made some progress.

Next up we have another post with both of them talking, and the topic is rather serious. This time, they’re advocating for trans rights. They’re both against Bathroom Bills being passed. For those of you who don’t know, every once in a while, America tries to legislate where trans folk are allowed to use the bathroom. In Emmy’s state, they want to force people to use the bathroom labelled by their “birth sex”. I’ll let Emmy and Selena explain further. Emmy starts us off,

“I know I’m a little late to the party, but fuck this bathroom bill bullshit! I can’t believe the government wants to decide where we can pee yet again! I don’t go out much, but when I do, I obviously have to use the boy’s bathroom because I’m still in the closet to my dad. But when I do, it just feels awful. It’s another reminder that I don’t look like how I feel on the inside. It may sound dumb, but I honestly feel defeated every time I get misgendered by that dumb sign. I hate it, and I know other trans girls like me feel the same way. To make it illegal for us to use the girl’s bathroom even if we pass is straight bullshit! Fight for trans rights and oppose this stupid bill!”

Selena reblogs this, writing,

“I agree entirely. And I feel the same way when I’m forced to use the men’s room. Like, I am not a man??? So I don’t think that works for me. People say that without this bill, trans women will attack cis women in washrooms. However, that’s just a fear tactic that relies on the idea of trans women being predatory. Which is not the case!!! Say no to this bill! Trans rights are human rights!”

You tell them, girls! Trans rights are indeed human rights. And humans have the right to use the bathroom without fear of being arrested or beat up. Because that’s the choice a lot of us face when we don’t fully pass. Like, sometimes I go out in dresses or flannels with the buttons on the other side, and if I have to use a public restroom, *sigh* I face a difficult choice. Do I go to the men’s room and risk getting beat up for dressing a certain way? Or do I go to the lady’s room and risk getting kicked out of the building? Honestly, it’s not so bad for me, because it’s illegal to be beat up or kicked out due to one’s gender expression in Canada, but just because it’s illegal, doesn’t mean someone won’t try it. In America, under these types of bathroom bills, people who are mid-transition or non-binary would have to make very difficult choices if they needed to use a bathroom in public. Even folks who fully pass would have to risk getting arrested in order to use the washroom they would appear to belong in. *Sigh* Trying to hold it in may be safer sometimes, and that’s honestly messed up.

These two posts I did see when they initially posted them. I was very proud of them for advocating for trans rights. Though honestly, when you’re trans it’s kind of hard not to advocate for yourself. It’s a position without the privilege to turn a blind eye to injustices, you see. You can’t help but see how badly people like you are treated, so many of us speak up and try and be heard. We often fail. 

Sorry, I don’t mean to be a downer. *Sigh* These topics just get to me sometimes, and I think it’s important to share what I’m feeling about this, especially in case you don’t have a trans person in your life at the moment. 

Ok! So our next few posts are about a less serious topic, but one that Emmy and Selena are both very passionate about: Overwatch. I should explain that in competitive video games, developers will change the power levels of their characters in order to make the game more to their liking. Or, as it usually goes, to try and make it so that the community likes it more. The two of them are talking about one of those changes. Emmy starts us off with a post titled,

“Not My Girl!

Nooo, I can’t believe they’re nerfing Mercy! Blizzard just announced that they’re changing it so that mercy can no longer do a 5-man rez. In fact, she can only rez one hero at a time now. Why? What was the problem with how it was before? Now her ultimate is flying around, which she could already do in a pharmercy! If she’s really, really different I probably won’t even play anymore…”

Then we get a reblog from Selena,

“Noooo, bae! If you stop playing, who will I play with? You can’t seriously want to quit playing! Maybe new Mercy will be really good, we don’t know yet. Let’s at least wait until the patch comes and see what everyone else thinks.”

And we get a final response from Emmy,

“You’re right, I wouldn’t want to stop playing with you over this. That would be weird to not play Overwatch together anymore. I just hope that Blizzard knows what they’re doing this time. I mean, I may have to pick a new main, but I swear I’ll still play with you!”

It can be common for changes to Overwatch to be met with a lot of resistance. A lot of the time, when something you love about the game changes drastically, it can make sense to want to play something else. It is a little ironic that Emmy is worried about Mercy in this particular change, as it actually boosted her power level to the highest it ever was. So much so, there was like a year following it of nerfs to bring Mercy’s power down. I wonder what the two of them would think about the newest changes to the game? 

Although, I didn’t save any of her art, I do remember her personal art being a lot more light hearted at this point. There’s the obvious couple-y pictures but then there’s the more abstract stuff. Let’s just say that the imagery with chains and the like were gone from her work. That is, until after this post I’m about to read. *Sigh* I feel the need to warn you all first that it really changes the tone of the episode. If you’re not up for it, put this episode aside until you are. The post is titled,

“My Dad Read My Discord Messages

Sorry I haven’t been posting the past couple of days, some awful shit has happened to me. So I was a complete idiot and left Discord open on my phone. My Dad was suspicious of me, I guess, so he went through my phone and read through my conversations with Selena. And what he saw, he really didn’t approve of. Not only does he know I’m trans, but he knows I’m dating a latina girl. 

He was really fucking mad, I could tell from his handwriting from the letter he wrote to me. I can’t tell if he was more upset about me dating a girl, or that she was latina. After I confronted him with a letter of my own, he yelled at me. He knows I can’t understand him when he does that, but he did it anyways. In his first letter, he said it was a sin against God to have thoughts like this, and I’m sure he repeated it a lot out loud, too. I’m really afraid that he’s going to send me to conversion therapy or some shit like that, but then again, that would mean sending me out into the real world. What if he tries to convert me himself? I’m scared that he’s going to try and hurt me. But Leelah’s Law makes conversion therapy illegal right? But still…

He’s taken discord off my phone, which sucks, but at least I still have Tumblr. I’ll just have to make sure I log out every time now. I’m really happy that I have Selena on my side, my Dad can’t stop our love!”

Remember when I said Emmy’s Dad was kind of a piece of shit? This is what I had in mind. The fact that Emmy isn’t even sure that he won’t try and convert her forcibly really shows what kind of person he is. And I hate to say this, but Leelah’s Law only makes conversion therapy Illegal for minors. Emmy is over 18 at this point, so it’s not illegal if she is coerced to accepting the “help” needed to make her no longer trans. Not like conversion therapy actually makes you not queer, *sigh* it’s all a load of shit anyways. 

I don’t really feel the need to discuss why violating your child’s privacy is an awful thing to do, and I don’t think I need to explain why using religion as an excuse to hate doesn’t absolve you of being a bigot. I’m kind of not in the mood to do so either way. We have more episode to get through, and it’s not going to be pretty. 

Our next post is another one of Selena’s poems. But before I read it, I need to give a little context. I debated including a post before this one that talked a bit about Selena’s family situation, but I decided against it because this podcast is supposed to be about Emmy. It’s easier if I give a few facts here instead. 

So Selena doesn’t really have the most understanding family when it comes to queer issues, so although she’s been identifying as trans longer than Emmy has, she too has been completely closeted. Selena has several siblings, including some sisters, one of which is about the same clothing size as her. *Sigh* You may see where I’m going with this. I remember seeing a post on Selena’s tumblr where she talked about secretly wearing her sister’s clothes a couple of times, and getting away with it. I have a feeling she pushed her luck too far shortly after she made that post. Again, if you’re not ready to hear a post like this, there’s nothing wrong with putting the episode aside until you are. The poem is called, 

“My Truth Reduced to Lies

What do you do when the punishment doesn’t fit the crime? Or if there was no crime in the first place? 

When all I wanted was to appear as I feel, 

How dare you tell me what I did was wrong?

My radiance ripped into timidness 

My dignity pushed into shame

My integrity beaten into obedience

My daring smashed into fear

My truth reduced to lies

You tell me that being draped in belonging is worthy of this punishment?

I tell you you’re the evil ones

If my mistake was to be as I feel, it’s something I will never do again

But if I’m forced to live a lie, should I live at all?”

*Sigh* And then Emmy reblogged it saying: “Please don’t tell me this means what I think it does...:”

I’m so sorry Emmy, but I think it does mean what you think. *Deep breath* I feel so awful about this, because this poem never crossed my dashboard. I would have said something! I would have messaged Selena and… I don’t know, what I could have done… but it would have been better than doing nothing! *Sigh* I’m not really in the mood to give my usual analysis or whatever of the post, and I definitely don’t have some magical story from my life that will tie it all together in a neat little bow. 

*Tearing up* Like, people treat trans kids like this, and then wonder why our suicide rate is so damn high! The life expectancy for a trans woman is like 40 years! Things aren’t magically fixed because we’re now trending on Twitter or some shit! They beat her. They beat her because of who she was, and I can’t… *sobbing* I just can’t right now, this episode is over.

-----

Hey all, An here. I’m sorry about breaking down before. This is me recording again on a different day. I took a much-needed break from things, practiced some self care, and I’m feeling more centred than last time. I think I got too close emotionally to the subject matter. *Sigh* I doubt I was giving good commentary, I just sort of shut down before I started… well, you know. Anyways, I’m recording this because the episode is in fact, not over. There’s more to discuss here before we can end things off, otherwise the last episode of the season becomes too much to digest in one sitting. 

I feel a little dumb for blowing up like I did, but I think it’s important that I leave it in the podcast. I want to take this journey together, and it feels wrong to hide my emotions from you all. I want to be real with you, you know? But yes, I’m feeling better, so let’s get started. The posts are still of an upsetting nature, by the way. That will be the norm for a while. Emmy posts something titled: “I Don’t Know

I don’t know how I let everyone talk me into putting myself out there, I’m such a piece of shit. My art is trash, just like me. It will always be shit, I improve too slowly for it to mean anything. I hate looking at it, so you probably do too. 

Things are bad with my Dad. He won’t respond to me, and the way he looks at me now, it’s so full of hate. Not like I don’t deserve it. 

To top it all off, Selena dumped me yesterday. Can you blame her? I certainly can’t. Why did I ever believe I was worth dating? So much for fate, I guess… “

Yikes. It’s clear, to me at least, that this isn’t our Emmy talking. It’s her depression from being Bi-Polar talking here. She had several terrible things happen to her in such a short time, that her mental illness has essentially taken over. Selena breaking up with her is sort of the last straw. But I really don’t think it happened because Selena no longer had feelings for Emmy, but because she’s going through a lot right now with her whole family against her. Honestly, being in a relationship with someone who reminds you of being trans was probably too much to handle when you’re being forced back into the closet. I did see this post, and I offered some words of encouragement to Emmy and told her that things get better. It’s something you hear a lot, but I believe it’s true. At least I want to believe it’s true. I don’t know if she ever read it, because I never got a response to that message. 

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Black Box Readings! I hope I didn’t take you on too much of a ride today. Sending my best wishes to anyone who is feeling down right now. Follow me on Twitter at TheCrookedGavel to stay up to date on this and other queer podcasts. Feel free to contact me there as well. This is An Capuano, signing off!

[undyinghappinessblog]

Oh Hi!

Oh hey. Haha fuck I sound like my 6 year old self...”Oh hey diary! How are you? Sorry I havent written in a while..” But....yeah. I haven’t. So I think I have quite a few things to catch myself up on. 

I am not really sure if the reason I have’nt been writing. It think its a combination of being really busy (I moved, my cousin got married, my grandma Betty passed away, Ive been working two jobs pretty consistently, I’m still in acting classes, I’m trying to find a new agent) mixed with the fact that I am seeing a therapist once a week, so I guess a lot of the things that I would find myself writing about on here are being worked out with a professional in the real world. 

The trouble with being so busy, is everything kind of tends to feel like its coming at you at a warped hyper speed, you know? Like I feel like a lot of the time I dont have the luxury or the time to really process anything or be in the present moment because I’m too busy worrying about what needs to be done, or I am working....Its something that I have been trying to work on in therapy. I am also meditating before I go to sleep at night-trying to be present and also boost my self confidence. And when I finally DO have a minute to process things, I find myself being really tired and needing to lie down and close my eyes. Its really hard to find that time for me, and I am learning more and more that that time is something that I really need to find a way to prioritize. Finding time to just be with myself and not be distracted by thoughts of what I ‘should’ be doing or what I need to do in the next couple of days, you know? 

I also find myself getting a little sad and scared that I am too busy worrying and stressing and working myself so hard that I am missing out on moments that are more important...Like genuine time with myself or my friends. Really enjoying time in the moment with little things like the sun, blue skies, leaves blowing in the wind, reading a book, painting, writing, etc. 

Anyway..I guess that was just a really long winded way of me saying ‘I have been really busy’. 

So...I’ll just give a quick recap of the past couple of months. 

Okay, so I thiiiiiink I wrote about working on ‘Sacred Lies’ on my last post? But just in case, I will give a quick little refresher. So I got cast as an SOC principle character on a TV show about a cult...and my roommate Daniel actually got cast too, so it was really nice to have a carpool buddy and someone that I could talk to on set. But it turned out that I was actually okay on my own too. The cast was really nice and I ended up making some pretty cool friends with a couple of them. 

Its been prettttyyyy much dead for me since then though. So in terms of acting, I have been unemployed since April. And I knooowwww that I should feel liucky for the opportunity-AND I DO!!!. Its just, I am starting to feel a little antsy...and wanting to get back on something...anything!! I’ve said it many times before, but its really hard for a woman to navigate through this industry. And I’m not even a fuckin minority- I know I have white privelage, and I feel shitty saying this, but....Its been really tough for me as a woman in this industry in the past few months, man. 

Like. I am just going to rant here for a sec. Since Sacred Lies, Daniel has booked 3 more shows and has gone down to LA twice to see casting directors and shit. And I have had....maaayybe 3 auditions? I wanna say 2 of them were one liners. What reaaallllyyyy bothers me is that I can guarantee that these booking have NOTHING to do with his talent, or his resume (think I have spoken about his weird act-y voice and his horrible, narcissistic attitude). It all has to do with the fact that he is a tall, young looking white guy. THATS IT. 

The thing I dont understand about hollywood is this. They FINALLY make these HUGE blockbuster films starring women and people of colour like ‘Wonder Woman’ and ‘Black Panther’ and ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ and they all make MAAAADDD bank. They are so well received that they break box office records. Which absolutely makes sense because there are people who are FINALLY feeling represented and like they ACTUALLY see themselves in the characters on screen. But they still make so many films that have a 1. pro-dominantly white cast and 2. Most of the main characters are played by WHITE MEN. Like...How many Hollywood Rom-Coms have cast someone who identifies as First Nations as a lead? Someone who identifies as Middle Eastern? Muslim? Asian? Lesbian? Trans? Non-Binary? Truthfully, there are maaannny things about the injustices in this industry that I am not even aware of, and I could be overstepping my boundaries by saying all of this, but man. If I am feeling unrepresented and angry as a white woman, I cannot even IMAGINE how angry many of the minorities feel. Fuck it makes me so angry man.  Honestly, I could talk about this for hours until my head blows up or I throw my fucking computer across the room, so I am just going to stop there by saying this. More people of colour need to be cast (especially First Nations actors!!), more women need to be given larger roles and more women need to write, direct, produce, AD, edit, sound design-every single role in film needs more women. Period. 

Okay moving on. My cousin Alex got married this summer! Fuck that was emotional. The whole experience was just so lovely and happy and so much fun. She was married on the lake that we grew up spending our summers on. There was a lot of smoke from forest fires, but it was still so beautiful. Our family was there and it was amazing. I was Maid of Honour (My sister was supposed to be there as Co-maid of honour with me, but she was at school already, down in the states, so she couldn't be there.) and I was also the MC. I was really stressed about it at first, but once I had a few drinks in me, I felt better and had alot of fun (I think the guests had fun too...unless they were all just pretending to laugh at all of my jokes...). I gotta say though, I am not a huge fan of her husband. He’s not friendly, very needy and relies on her too much and their relationship reminded me a lot of what my parent’s looked like when I was growing up. Plus his family is fuckin trash (His bother and his brother’s girlfriend ended up getting in a huuggeee fight the night before the wedding and the cops were called, so Alex’s husband ended up calling her and asking her to come get her...) Anyway. Their relationship isn't any of my business...and as hard as it is to see someone I love be married to someone I dont particularly like or respect, I gotta let it be and hope for the best for her. 

My grandma Betty also recently passed. Which was very sad. I’ve experienced death and loss before, but it was when I was younger. This was the first time that I experienced death as an adult. When I think about how my sister and I got through what we did when we were kids, I just...I dont know how in the hell we did it. Becuase my grandma had dementia, and was very unwell and not herself, when I got the call, I was almost relieved. Obviously I was very sad. But I also felt strangely grateful for the time that I had with her and I also felt very lucky to have someone like her watching out over me. Like I FINALLY had someone in my corner. I still cant believe that she's gone. Saying that she ‘passed away’ is still so strange to say. 

Anyway...thats pretty much it. Lots of life happened in the past couple of months. Lots of crying, anxiety, laughs, reminiscing, hoping, meditating, painting, more crying, more anxiety...just lots of life man. 

I gotta say though, instead of ending this on a note of desperately hoping for ‘something good to happen’ by masking it with “manifesting”, I think I’m going to end it by saying this instead. 

I am going to take better care of myself. And be kinder to myself. I think that something good will come out of that regardless. Whether it be through acting or just my relationship with myself. For once in my life, I am going to take care of myself. Everything else comes secondary (at least for now) and will happen as its supposed to, according to the universe. 

And by saying that, by putting myself first, I think everything I have ever wanted for myself will come when its ready and in a healthier and more welcomed way. 

Okay. Thanks.