#but yeah idk who's still active on here but hope y'all are doing well

[linrinkuarts]

🍕💣❔

[justin-chapmanswers]

you set twitter on fire with pronouns howd you do that

Uhhhhh yeah so. I've been glancing here and there to all of that. For context, people noticed a pronoun adjustment on my Twitter page, yadda yadda, and started making posts about it. Then those posts started getting heat for a variety of reasons. Some that seemed to some to be using misgendering for humor (via meme), some that are pushing against parasociality, some that generally think that spectacle with this stuff should be avoided since I didn't even make a post about it or anything. Etc.

And uh. Ya'know. I vibe with a lotta that.

But tbh while I'm not really one to enjoy spotlight, idk, I don't mind people just generally bringing that stuff up and noting it. If it makes people feel good to see someone they can relate to, sure why not. The only thing that actively concerns me is seeing people argue or attack as a result of me. Let's just keep things chill if we cannn. I feel like everyone that's posted on the subject is all on the same side. None of us are here pushing for the limitation or elimination of lgbtqia people and experiences. That's the kind of thing always worth pushing back against. But I just hope to see everyone in this community vibing and letting joy flow.

When we were working on S3E9 and the writing team was trying to break down the initial story conceit where Goo would initially be a little weirded-out and confused after Bot revealed themself to a non-Bow robot, I was the one who pitched "hey how about we flip the story around to exemplify something a little more specific that also shines a more positive light on Bot and Goo's relationship? How about trying an angle where Goo is characteristically hyper-positive about what they've learned about Bot, but the conflict comes from the intensity and spectacle Goo comes at it with? Then Bot may be uncomfortable, but understands it comes from a good place?" -- I was excited to see that it was the direction the episode ended up going in, both because it felt appropriately lighter, and it felt personal. Making changes in how you present and want to be perceived can be so difficult, and that comes with such a deep well of complicated feelings. But all this to say, yeah I sometimes feel overwhelmed being perceived in online spaces, but even with that in mind, I'd still rather see silliness and celebration than conflict. But that's just meeeee.

Be good to yourselves, be good to each other. I am not mad at anyone. Best wishes. :)

EDIT: Do appreciate all people out there posting for the purpose of defending me. I don't wanna downplay the fact that y'all care, it means a lot. Just figure best to not fan any more flames. All's okay.

[pinkyjulien]

🟨 WIP WHENEVER 🥴

Been tagged by @ouroboros-hideout and @chevvy-yates forever ago last MONTH... and more recently by @therealnightcity 🤲 Thank you!

━━━━━━━━

I HAVE A PROBLEM. Problem is- everytime I tease about a mod I'm working on, something happens that fuck my groove up and it gets delayed and delayed HGFH

So I won't be showing what I'm actively working on at the moment UwU especially cause it's a collab with Halk beloved and it's really cool g fhhgf we having a fat rot and I hope y'all will enjoy!

All you get on that is This. Thats it Thats it-

━

Now about what I'm planning and hopefully will get before the end of winter

🔸 I want to rework these two meshes! I believe those were my first ported garment? Among the first, if not THE first (the sweater) and yeah I learned a lot since then

Not happy with how glossy it is, also want to make wool replacers and maybe some funky patterns too idk yet

🔸 I also want to release some Mittens and Neck warmers for Masc, in the same colors and style as my "comfy" line :3

━

🔸 The nipple piercings are ALMOST GOOD TO GO. I still need to refit for Vanilla Small (F) and have a couple of adjustments to do (I won't ever be 100% happy with these but I HAVE to get them out there ghfh it's eating at my brain) the weights are terrible to work with and the UVs don't align 1:1 with the texture in some cases- but the people that tested them so far seems to enjoy them and got some pretty awesome pics sooo QwQ 🙏

━

🔸 Also have my old replacers to port to AXL list 🤡 (for masc) Next in line should beee the Monk set! These won't be exactly 1:1 from the old replacers but still based on the same vanilla garments :3

━

and that's it for today 👁👄👁 won't come as a surprise if I say I have- 875387 projects bouncing around my brain like a DVD screensaver and only shared a tiny bit here 🤏

Outside of modding, I really wanna focus more on my own lore, write it down somewhere with a clean timeline- as well as continue my boys mods and VP comics etc etc 😌👌

🔸 TAGGING - with no pressure as always 🤲 @elvenbeard - @arcandoria - @dreamskug - @sammysilverdyne - @lokiina - @aldecaldhos - and anyone who might want to share!

[lilbittymonster]

Okay 6.55 thoughts in no particular order:

-Big Kittie Lady Wuk Lamat I Love You So Much

-Kitali does not like her enough to want to help with the politics though. She's done and over being used to further political goals of other people. The bit about not wanting to let the overly aggressive candidate win was intruiging but her line of thinking is "well, this is what the Alliance is supposed to be for, I'm not going to continue to be their one woman army anymore."

-WIFE SPOTTED IN LIMSA I REPEAT WIFE SPOTTED IN LIMSA LOMINSA DOCKS

-I am going to fucking shit myself laughing if Estinien winds up on the same boat/same dock as the Scions coming in completely by coincidence because he's continuing his retirement trip around the planet.

-I respect and love him so much for that btw like this man has likely never set foot much further outside of Coerthas than the North Shroud for the first 32 years of his life, he is going to see as much of the world as he can now.

-someone was complaining in Radz shout chat about how the relics weren't "an actual grind" and someone else shouted back that EW was the "waiting room expansion" like. Y'all did this to yourselves, you are aware of this, right? You complained and whined and pouted SO HARD about Eureka and Bozja that they said "okay, baby shoes this time" and now you think it's too easy? Come join us omnicrafters in the Splendour tool grind then. Cowards.

-I'm glad that only the Arkasodara quests are canon for Kitali bc wow that capstone questline felt like a "somehow Palpatine has retured" for me. Nonsense(derogatory) as opposed to Hildibrand nonsense(affectionate).

-Where is Hraesvelgr we saw Hraesvelgr in the trailer but he wasn't here? Maybe there's still more for the actual 7.0 release idk

-Also weird that G'raha was in Tural in the trailer but says he's staying behind with the Annex. I don't particularly mind or care but just something I thought was odd.

-Urianger and Thancred. That is all.

-"What are you two doing here?" Krile they fucking live in Sharlayan I don't know if you were aware of this or not.

-My fondness for Erenville continues to grow. I think he and Kitali get along very well. They both are so very Done(tm) with everyone.

-It was nice seeing Jullus on the Island sanctuary but that just blasted so many holes in a ficlet I had wanted to write and I was too busy being bitter about that to really enjoy the rest of the time there.

-"it must be nice being able to get away" yeah see you would THINK THAT but I keep having all these fucking tourists showing up on my beach asking to parade around the place. 'Private getaway' my ass. Kitali is packing a bag and moving to the east side of the island.

-the overall messages of "power of friendship and hope" and "everything comes to an end, we all experience loss" are really starting to sound like a broken record. For people like me who have basic media literacy and got the message the first idk half dozen times....this is unnecessary. I know that a good chunk of the userbase needs it spelled out for them in black and white but.....idk. And a lot of it is that it's trying to hit emotional buttons that I just don't have because I did not care that much about Endwalker as an expansion. EW was just the wolstinien agenda expansion lmao. I don't particularly care for the Omicron or the lopporit questlines which is where they really tried to jam pack it in and I just ended up button mashing my way through the stories.

-Who the FUCK was in charge of picking reaction expressions in all of those cutscenes? On top of "she would not be smiling like that at G'raha, it takes so much of her self control to not actively scowl at him", some of those were just so out of place. I know what each one was bc i live in gpose and the tonal dissonance on some of them were just........what.

-Monster hunter honeymoon expansion still a very strong possibility.

-those last few lines in the final cutscene.........Man. I hope we do get to go north and see what the fuck is under all those clouds on Ilsabard and Othard.

-final relic stage lance Pretty :3

-I need an entire sitcom of Wuk Lamat and Erenville as children that was SO TASTY.

-I am glad that they're getting rid of the Stormblood problem with making the contest of succession explicitly open to outsiders.

-I like the reference in the food book to potatoes and tomatoes being imported from Tural through Limsa, that was a nice touch.

-I will still likely not pick up blue mage by the time Dawntrail releases lmao. F for me for missing any potential extra dialogue.

Closing thought: Kittie

[idunnowatimdoin]

hahahaha, remember when I thought 2021 was bad??

So if you're reading this, kudos!! You are an incredibly kind, patient, awesome human being who somehow put up with my bullshit 2+ year radio silence and decided to tough it out in the hope I came back. Well!! I'm back and I'm hoping I stay back for awhile -- at least long enough to finish my fics, please @ the universe.

Idk how many of you care about why I disappeared, but for all 3 of you who do, it's bc I've been kind of dead inside??

So I started writing all these fics while I was still in medical school. Hence why Nitric Oxide has so much weird medical jargon in it that non-medical people are like ?? why tho ?? Bc writing the fic was in part a way for me to study while still engaging in an activity I love. Going back and reading through those earlier chapters has parts that make me laugh and some parts that make me cringe, bc now I'm 2 years out of medical school and I've grown a LOT as a medical provider ( and some of the things I wrote are not correct for how I or Obi would practice ). At some point I'm going to have to go do an edit/rewrite of some of those parts. Bc oof

But anyways, yeah I was kinda dead inside for a long time there. See, I really, really, really had my heart set on going into psychiatry, but I didn't match into a psychiatry residency program. So I took a position in a transitional year program, which is basically a way of working as a resident while you still apply for programs in the specialty you want to get into (or for some people, it's a year of medicine they have to do before they can start their specialty training like people going into radiology or anesthesia). And just...

If you're in the medical field: DO NOT WORK AT AN HCA HOSPITAL IF YOU CAN AVOID IT. Holy FUCK, that organization is so fucking toxic and soul-sucking and awful. Like. That whole year I spent there was so miserable it took me all of last year to finally recover and get back to a place where I could even think of writing again bc I barely had the energy to take care of myself, let alone to engage in artistic pursuits or passion projects.

Anyways, I won't get into details about why it sucked, but it did. I was in such a dark place while I was there. It didn't help that I applied for psychiatry residencies again and still didn't match, so I was faced with the choice of giving up my dream or doing another year in Hell.

Well... I'm an emergency medicine resident now. To be fair, I worked as a scribe in the ED before medical school and it's ALWAYS been a close second choice for me. And now that I'm here, I gotta admit I kind of LOVE it. More than I thought I would. But it still stings, and I won't lie and pretend there's a small part of me that aches over my lost dream.

But anyways. Fuck capitalistic, for-profit medicine. A lot of us doctors hate it just as much as all the rest of you do.

Hopefully this current hyperfixation lasts awhile and I can crank out a lot of chapters for yall and maybe even finish (gasp, I know right??) a fic or two here.

Thank you for reading, if you did. I truly do appreciate each and every one of you and all the kind words and compliments you pay me and my brain children.

I hope y'all have a wonderful day/night.

-Sam

[aphrodite1288]

Ks has been receiving love calls since he was still in the army. He had already said that if he was asked to participate in a variety show, he would accept. He doesn't want his private life exposed is one thing, doesn't mean he doesn't want to be promoted. You are making excuses for the neglect, mistreatment and sabotage the career him

#Disclaimer: 1st of all that's going to be a long ass Post to reply to any asks like that, so I hope people would read everything and not just read half of it and go bark somewhere about something I said that I have explained later but y'all didn't reach it to read it! So read everything before making comments or sending me asks. I don't want to repeat what I said here. So read before coming at me and bombard me with asks about stuff I already discussed here in this answer!

Sis you barely even know anything of him now. He already started filming his movie in June and finished filming his MV in late May or early June and you knew nothing about it 💁🏻‍♀️ coz if he really wanted to share that with y'all he would have mentioned it in his bubble or at least we would have seen him outside in the set. BUT HE DIDN'T WANT TO 🤷🏻‍♀️ HE doesn't want y'all to know, and don't tell me "coz SM is locking him up in the basement" that's why he can't breath and write you in bubble?? Heck! He even comes sometimes just to tell us about the weather or to drop a song and never mentioned about anything else about his life or his schedule. Normally all the members update about them going into their schedules but without revealing the content of the schedule coz that's the rules, but at least we get a pic or two of them heading to their schedules! To know that they're jobless! Heck Sehun is jobless now but we see him more than we see Ksoo who's extremely busy with a drama a movie and a debut and album preparations and promotion preparation! But Ksoo doesn't want that! He doesn't want y'all to know things about his life or what he does, or where he goes 🤷🏻‍♀️ That's why his fans and Fansites are so secretive and don't share anything, UPON HIS REQUEST. And to respect his extreme private character.

If he wanted he would have accepted Variety shows darling. He is busy filming a drama and a movie and making a debut and an album and preparing for promotions. Do you think he is free to be on Variety now? Even if he was asked , he can't now. Maybe later after or during his debut to promote for his album yeah, But definitely not now. Yes he had opportunities and he refused them coz he's busy. And maybe we would see him in the future but he is not into reality shows that much. Now he is focusing on his acting career and singing career relatively. As he is still not built as a solo artist yet to start a new journey for building a variety character and image for himself now. But maybe after his debut. Hopefully 🙇🏻‍♀️🕯️🕎

Sis he is busy, booked and he doesn't like being in the lights. He said it himself he had trauma in the past that left scars on him and affected his behavior with his own fans that's why he said he is distant from them.

Stop making me look like I hate Kyungsoo. This account is MAINLY and ONLY about HIM and Ji 💁🏻‍♀️ do you think I'd bother make an acc about him and talking about him 25/8 if I hated him 🤦🏻‍♀️

Fans don't want to admit their idol don't like interacting much with them 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's the truth. He likes his job but not the fans and sasaengs and aeygo part of it. He said it himself, he even thought of quitting Many times, as he found that he isn't FITTING into this idol world.

There's something u need to know, SM only wants to renew with Ksoo and Chan and Ji and Baek and mainly KSOO and Baek. So he is not sabotaged he is favored in the company. It's just that he doesn't like working with sM anymore! and he is enjoying his acting career and idol life while being locked up in the studio and movie sets without fans mobbing him and following him everywhere. If it wasn't for Hongki we would never know that Ksoo started filming and making his album and blah blah. Yes Ksoo doesn't like talking much to the fans and he isn't the type of idols to share everything about his life and everything he does.. with his fans. As he does his job as a real job and he enjoys it. I sometimes doubt that ksoo is the one writing in bubble 💭 except for the song recommandations maybe. 🤔

If he wanted he would have sent y'all pics of himself in Bubble like how all the members do but HE DOESN'T WANT TO 💁🏻‍♀️ Now go blame SM on that too.

I was always told that Ksoo said he wished he was a professional actor and singer but to not be famous! He said he wishes to be known for his talents and to do his job that he loves so much but to not famous at the same time 😂 which is impossible btw. He said he hates fame. He wishes he could do the job he loves so much but without the whole interacting and fame and spotlights part of it. I was told that. Since very long ago and I was sad at first to hear that. But after seeing Kyungsoo enjoying his privacy and not being mobbed and respected by his fans, I was extremely happy. Heck you can rarely hear anything about him or see any pics of him from his fans coz they keep everything to themselves coz I was told that that's what Kyungsoo wants and they keep his life private and never share anything about him- I was so happy to see him do what he likes the way he likes it in complete privacy.

We rarely hear he was out with someone for a meal but when we do, it's years after it happened 😂 or with no pics at all. Like how he met Zico and they were both at the studio maybe collaborating. But we didn't get any pics from his solo stans and Fansites not even Exol. Cuz they know he doesn't like it when things about him get exposed .

Like we rarely saw any pics of him outside not before military nor after. And this been happening for years now since debut (I mean the issue of rarely getting updates and pics about him in the streets or restaurants or hanging out with friends) wdym SM is putting him in the dungeon for once debut?? No! Sorry he was the most promoted member and the first one to start a solo career as an actor ONLY 2 years after his debut when he was still a rookie, he has always been the most promoted among all the members even before Jongdae and Baekhyun ! 🤷🏻‍♀️

To put it up in another way: Ksoo doesn't like working with sM anymore and all the members too as they're all now going to leave and not renew so they mostly accept few of the projects suggested to them to make profit from them and stay active in the lights in the mean time before they decide what to do later. So they will not risk taking big opportunities with big companies or shows and sign big-long term-contracts for a long period with big acting or variety companies coz they can't do much projects now in the name of SM since the contract is nearing its expiration, so as long as they r still labeled as SM ARTISTs and still under SM contract so SM would still take their fair share of the profits, So since their contract is nearing its end..they can't do big projects that require long period of time such as accepting deals for long term positions in a show such as "Official MCs" or "Fixed cast member in a show that would last for years" or to "sign with an acting company coz most of them have the bare minimum for a contract is 3 years i guess (idk i don't remember) or to sign with any company that obliges a long-term contract " etc.. coz SM would still take their profit even after they leave as the contract was signed with those companies when Exo's contract with sm was still on. And that's the last thing they want.. is after leaving your shitty company, they would still take profits from you.

Also most companies don't suggest you big and long term projects when your contract with your company is nearing its end! That's why most if the members now are jobless only getting few short-termed projects, Coz these companies are not only working with the idol BUT they're working with their company as well. As it's the one who decides most of the the idols opportunies and decisions and does everything for them.

So if you don't like the truth and don't like to hear things that don't go along with your fantasies about your Oppa then that's not my problem 🤷🏻‍♀️ Go Fix it .

And I hope you won't drop Ksoo after discovering something about him that you didn't like to admit he has 💁🏻‍♀️ he doesn't like yall to know things about him and he doesn't like interacting with his fans that much through social media. He has a private IG and if he wanted to talk to y'all he would have made a public one but he doesn't 🤷🏻‍♀️ just like Jongdae! And they are free and we should respect their decision! Jongdae Chose his private life over fans and trust me he is so happy with his wife and daughter and i saw them with my own eyes. He is enjoying his privacy and he is caring less about what haters are saying or if fans are disappointed.

You should get used from now on to the feeling that your bias doesn't want your nose always in his life and doesn't always want you to know everything about him and doesn't want to show himself up in programs and projects he doesn't want to do just COZ YOU WANT TO SEE HIM THERE. Also Make it in your heads that your bias private life and his close people are 1000 better than being with you all the time and satisfying your requests and fantasies💁🏻‍♀️

Respect and understand that your idol doesn't always want you to know everything about them and if your Oppa likes to be introvert and private you should respect that ! instead of complaining 25/8 on Bubble and twitter and IG about wanting to see him.

Be like Korean Exol they see Ksoo they meet him all the time they photograph him yet they never share anything or if they do it's after a long time, just coz they respect him and they know how private he is and how he hates his info and pics of him enjoying his day being exposed all over the internet. That's why we rarely get updates about Ksoo from OPs. And even if you beg them to buy his pics and updates they won't give u anything. That's why sasaengs always say they can't get anything about ksoo coz it's very hard as he is a very private person and his info are the hardest and most expensive to get.

Remember in the first half of 2019? When he disappeared for 6 months straight and never updated one word about himself and we were so worried and though he was leaving? He didn't even come out to deny the departure rumors it was SM who did, instead when we were all scares he was leaving and we haven't heard anything of him and were dying of concern, he was enjoying his cooking courses and applying for military and preparing for his position as a chef in military and going on vacation with his friends and squads and lover and chanyeol and you didn't know anything about him, you didn't hear one word from him! (Except for the pics with chanyeol at the airport and just coz chan was there if he wants tI doubt we would have got pics of ksoo at the airport leaving to japan) And he went straight to military after that with no update nor a goodbye Party nor anything! Just a plain letter in which he said he will enlist and after that he disappeared for 3 years (6 months before military and 1 year and a half of military and 7 months after discharge💁🏻‍♀️) Heck He even went and told the member that he will enlist without hesitation coz he is like that and members said they were shocked when he came and said he is enlisting all of a sudden like he just told them he was going to play football or something 🤷🏻‍♀️ He didn't want to make a goodbye party for his enlistment like how XIUMIN did, and why again? for the same goddam reason 🤷🏻‍♀️ don't you ask yourself why we rarely get any news about him 🤔 it's COZ HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW. 😂

After his discharge we heard he went along with Park shinhye and his Hyung actors squad to play golf together right after his discharge (in January 25th) , in February but we got no pics 💁🏻‍♀️ Why? Same reason🤷🏻‍♀️ everyone in korea knows Ksoo doesn't like coming out of the closet and expose himself to the public and interact with FANS and haters and obsessed fans and sasaengs.

KSOO WAS TRAUMATIZED BY FANS and SASAENGS AND IF YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID TO HIM AND WHAT HE SUFFERED YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND HIS LACK OF INTERACTION WITH FANS and you WOULD GIVE HIM EXCUSE. HE CAN'T HELP IT! He tried so hard to get over this issue but couldn't. HE LOVES HIS FANS BUT HE CAN'T INTERACT WITH THEM PROPERLY AND HE APOLOGIZED ABOUT THAT A LOT! So please understand him.

Sometimes it's not always the company sometimes it's the idol himself who wants some SPACE. Maybe A LOT of space 😂 in Ksoo's case.

I'm not making excuses for the sabotage and Mistreatment, I'm showing you the Kyungsoo that you probably don't know.

We can't judge SM mistreatment to him now as he is not active now, but once his album is dropped that's when we would see and we could judge if they treat him well or not. And i hope his album would get all the promotions his talents deserve.

[mallowstep]

I’m thinking about writing a short OC piece about Windclan and I’d love to see your notes about its culture and the hymns you’ve written so far, everything you’ve done for Windclan appreciation month has really inspired me :)

hello anon!

alright, first things first: please send me ur piece when ur done if you're comfortable doing so! i will publish it from you, or if you don't want to be associated with it in Any Way, i will also just read it and add it to the queue with no indication why it's there. or if you don't want me to share it at all, i'd still like to read it.

as for your ask,

hymns?

i'm working on it. however, underneath the read more, i'll include a few snippets for u.

culture

alright, i'm just going to post links with some commentary as i go. feel free to ask any more questions you have.

windclan (search) | windclan (tag) | wcam tag | five clans (narrative essays)

i would link the elders den, but there's no windclan stories in there ATM.

moving on, i'm just going to go through posts in reverse chronological order.

tallstar taking a mate admittedly, this is more about cats and sexuality than windclan, but i provide the commentary that windclan...has a particular view on sexuality and fluidity. one thing i haven't explored but should is the role visiting cats have in windclan.

whoops that's a code word, my plug for solacefruit has been activated. okay, as you may be aware, based on the fact that i have a whole tag for it, i'm obsessed with solacefruit. now, i love everything they do, but i would like to point you particularly to "make a mighty sound" for a fantastic exploration of this idea.

i don't want to spoil anything, but i do think windclan, and maybe cats as a whole, but windclan has a certain view towards relationships that very much breaks them into pieces. i'm a "love is a verb" person, so the idea that you can grow to love someone romantically by going through the actions of love makes sense. not to say you will, but you can.

(to be clear i'm not out advocating for arranged marriages just saying that they can work, they're not destined to be bad, and there's a difference between forced marriage and arranged marriage.)

anyway.

this was a lot of words to say, cats do not have a human (and particularly, western/american) understanding of relationships, which makes analyzing them in those terms difficult.

early hymn talk i'll probably say more below, but it is here.

general ibtwicm notes might get you into the headspace for some of my choices in ibtwicm.

i don't have a ton to say because this pretty much all holds, but uh, yeah.

poetry and language this isn't strictly about windclan, but it does explain some of what i think about when writing hymns.

obviously, i'm writing english translations, but these general themes are what i have in mind. it's also part of why i say i don't think i'll ever release a "full hymnal" for windclan, because i don't know if my weak worldbuilding heart could take it if i only had translations.

names part two very much not about windclan, but just some thoughts on names. as i've said before, i support all names and worldbuilding equally, but if you want my thoughts on names, go buckwild.

clan culture fic rec list just stuff i think does a good job, if you want other sources of inspiration.

general clan culture notes this is really old, but it mostly holds.

i've obviously expanded a lot on windclan since i wrote it, so shrug? idk man.

alright, i'm going to move into hymn discussion below the cut, but best of luck! and i hope u have a good time. it makes my brain shut down to read that i inspired you, straight up got brain juice pouring out of my ears, but i'm really, really happy to hear that.

windclan holds a special place in my heart. (i know my oc avatar is from skyclan shhh it's because of the backstory he sees ghosts.) but i grew up in this super sporty household as a lil asthmatic klutz, and running was a sport i couldn't mess up, so of course windclan appealed to me.

they're actually third on my list of favorite clans, but they. it's a special place in my heart that they hold, especially after reading dawn of the clans and moth flight's vision, where i got an asthmatic cat and an adhd cat, both in windclan.

god i should reread dotc it's good.

alright, here's the deal on hymns: i am not going to fight to get duets to post correctly. there's a 0% chance i can in tumblr's wonky ass new editor with no markdown, not to mention how difficult it would have been in the old editor. so i'm going to talk a lil about what i've got, and post some stanzas that i think don't get explored a lot in ibtwicm.

we're discussing these in the order that they go in. a reminder that these are all sections of one epic poem. that said, i don't know where the gaps are. like, i don't know what's between these, if that makes sense.

the wind

the wind, the very first hymn. this is an ode to, well, windclan. it's a song about everything that makes them them. it's filled with poetry about the wind, about the seasons, and it's just...well, it's a bit of a genesis, in a way.

The wind — like the rain, like the river — calls the name of each star in its breath. The wind — like the earth, like the stone — anchors us to our home. The wind — like the sun, like the sky — is knowable only by name.

i wanted to share this stanza because the last line doesn't show up in ibtwicm (at least so far, i cut the reference), and it really, really, makes a difference imo.

anyway, windclan is basically tying the wind in with every other fundamental part of their life here.

they are the wind, and that's that.

the hare

okay, this one has a line that comes up a lot in ch1, but i already talked about that, so instead, i'm going to talk about this stanza

Speak of the earth and the dens, and you will be answered: By the call of the howling gales, the open earth singing in response. But speak of that which grows above, of the grass and field, And you will be answered by the softness of the buds and the roots.

okay, we get deadfoot thinking about this when he's talking to yellowfang.

i like this stanza because it really tells us what the hare is about. now, hares are not something windclan catches. hares are huge, y'all, there's no way they take one down. i take liberties with ecology, but not that many.

(i.e., a team of cats definitely could take one down, but i know too much, and would prefer letting team hunting stay a plot thing, and not fundamentally alter the environment in the way it would.)

now anyway, all of these hymns come from the time of the tunnelers. and the point of this is, even though the work of tunnelers and moor runners is disconnected, they fundamentally affect each other.

a moor runner must trust the hollows of the earth beneath them won't collapse, and a tunneler must trust that the prey they chase up will be caught.

it's all very symbiotic and is, well, in a way, a love poem. plus i really like the line "the open earth singing in response"

of the warrens

so this has one line, one you might not even know is a hymn, in ch1, but i'll share the whole stanza.

And as for the subject of fallow fields: Fallowed fields make for hungry prey, Yet hungry prey makes desperate rabbits, Who leap into our claws.

and ig my big point is, the hymns are a cultural artifact. just like many of the rules in the old testament have to do with hygiene things being codified into religion, this whole hymn is about hunting advice.

the moon on the river

okay, out of all the hymns, this is the most complete, and because ashfoot and deadfoot sing it together, and deadfoot discusses it, i only have one stanza to share.

Under the coldness, you shine back at me, And I do everything to keep the clouds from threatening you.

now, this poem is about love, grief, and being separated. it's a particular kind of grief, and windclan discourages grief, so this is one of only a few ways to really, fully express it.

and this section, in particular, is about love in times of hardship.

i don't have. a lot to say here. but the way hardship changes how you love someone can be particular and intense.

(temporarily, this happens sometime before "Spare for my chosen few / All I have is given towards the distant ground.")

the gorse in the wind

oh shit! i have so fucking much to say okay first.

the series title does not come from this hymn.

second, this is a challenging hymn okay. fuck. i have so much to say. where to start so! moors are actually relatively wet. think british countryside, not, like, a cool desert.

this is something i always knew? i read the secret garden a lot as a kid. but. i've seen stuff about moors being dry, and it's just one of those things that really...starts to eat under your skin. anyway.

okay, so. gorse is a dry plant. it does not like rain. it grows in sandy soil, etc etc, and yet. aside from everything we know about gorse and warriors, it also grows in this moor. because i say so.

okay, so. so so so. the lines quotes here are really deceptive, and i bet no one understood why, and that makes me just a little sad, but i couldn't find a good way to explain it in text, so uh, yeah, anyway. there's an exchange between ashfoot and deadfoot: "THE GORSE: You called me the heather and I grew stronger. / THE WIND: I called you the heather and brought rain for you to grow."

so...so do you see? do you see the point? it's about communication, needs, challenging each other. fadskj;l i love this. okay, so. the point is that heather is fragile, soft, pretty, and gorse is the opposite. the part of the wind is trying to be kind and complimentary, but the gorse is saying, fuck that, you are not being kind to me by undercutting my strength.

anyway, this passage is sung by the gorse:

In what good company have I set down roots, That even through snow fall I flower. You called me the heather and yet I've weathered, Far more than your sweet-named love.

so uh, yeah, this adds context. gorse! gorse is a hardy plant that continues to flower basically all season round. it's cool. it's cool. gorse is super cool. fuuuck y'all it's such a small thing and i've contained talking about it until now, but now it's too much. the floodgates are open, and i thought about this small detail too much.

okay. deep breath. gorse is a really easy plant to grow, but it's still adapted for dry environments. so the "even through snow fall I flower" part is a little tongue in cheek: gorse itself will flower in the cold, but snow is a type of precipitation, which as we've covered, is not gorse friendly.

then we have some rhyming and puns in the next line, and finally, "yet I've weathered, / Far more than your sweet-named love." like. yes. love as a form of softness is not necessarily helpful.

i mean, consider the damaging "soft trans boi" problem. same energy.

right. okay. so we've got all that? now if you remember, this is sung when deadfoot thinks ashpaw doesn't respect him, and ashpaw says she'll sing with him if she can sing the gorse, so in essence, she's telling him...not to back off, per se, but that...she is the "hard part" of the relationship. like, okay, i refuse to even bring up gender roles in human relationships, but uh, her point is very much, "i am the gorse, and you are the wind," and it's a very monumental moment.

it's anchored, i believe, in the other scenes, but this is a small thing that matters a lot to me.

like a lot.

okay, now that i've talked about like four lines for the length of this entire post, moving on.

the heather and earth

okay, this is the last hymn i have in concrete terms, and i cut a bit of it from the latest chapter, so yeah. it's also, uh, okay everything i have for it is only a line or two, but i wanted to share this closing line (sung together):

Sing a song of forgiveness, of growing together, and we will make madness, And madness from hence will everything beautiful grow.

and i just like these lines. they got cut, it was initially part of an exchange between ashfoot and deadfoot, but i can't share the part of it they talk about, because i'm reusing it for a later chapter and i'll 100% spoil shit if i try to talk about it.

but these lines? mmm they speak to me.

i don't have a ton to say about them, but i just. i like it.

if we apply the same ecology discussion from the gorse and the wind, we see heather is a plant that grows in acidic, infertile soil, and heath (which is not the same as a heather, but also kind of is) is a defining quality of heathland, which is...i'm not kidding, it's hot discourse about the difference between moorland and heathland.

i'm not getting involved, but my point is, if the gorse in the wind is a hymn about finding a working relationship, about mutual respect, etc., then the heather and earth is a hymn about working well together in a terrible situation.

god.

uh, wow! can you tell i like plants? because while parts of my ecology are dubious (see: everything regarding the rabbits in ch1), the plants part are well thought out. this shit is carefully detailed metaphor.

and that's why i won't be releasing a full hymnal. it's hard to as on top of this as i want to be. i'm not kidding, writing even four lines of a hymn usually takes me about twenty minutes, because i pull up a lot of research about how things work, how they interact with each other, etc., and then there's wordsmithing, cat worldview filter, etc.

but i hope this overview of what i've got is a good insight into my general thoughts. and i will eventually release more and more of the hymns i've got written.

[raleigh-ocean]

troubles of a learning heart, part 1 | billie dean howard x dara ann lynch

words: 12,580

summary: Love was quite the difficult thing at times, Billie thought many times, and she admired Dara for spending the last seven years how it felt to be truly loved, however when she started to try and give back that love to her...well, let’s say she didn’t expect that there would be moments in which she would have to step forward and actively show it. But, as she lies in bed with Dara still by her side, she thinks that she will make it as long as her heart pick up quick in the habits, in the ways of showing her dear love that she’s being reciprocated. First part of two.

warning: anxiety attack? Idk I kinda wanna give y’all some warning that there’s a heavy part near the end.

n/a: I want to thank @grilledcheeseandguavajelly for encouraging me to post it, because I’ve been feeling like a no-no since I finished this yesterday. This is full of tiny headcanons and bits from other of my stories and some others I want to write, so I hope you enjoy it. This first part is like a prequel to put a context to the next chapter of ‘over my skin, part 3’ and the second part would be the resolution of this big thing, because it goes deeper. I’m trying to make Billie finally build her love, all those raw feelings she has for Dara and put her into a few situations I think it will help her. 

"Here you go papi, take it easy, don't want your mother to scream at both because you spilled your ice-cream all over your new shirt so soon."

Billie looked at Dara in that moment with a mix of fondness and amusement, trying at the same time to find a way to help the other seven year old boy, who was smiling at his brother with all the happiness a kid could gather up when given what they wanted.

Her attention drifted a bit when a loud chuckle interrupted the moment, the teenage girl that was fighting her chocolate ice-cream from melting all over her hand snapping her out of the calm picture and getting a scowl back from the last boy.

"Auntie always has shirts to spare around because they get messy," the scowling boy - Ezra, Billie recalled his name this time - was barely two months older than the twin boys, but since she met him, Billie found out that he was an intelligent and straight-to-the point kid. 

"I figure, y'all lot have the same curse with food and clothes," Dara smiled at him with the sweetest dimpled smile, which was returned with a similar one from Ezra. "I remember when your sister was around your age that your abuelita always had sweatpants ready in case of an accident."

That made the teenager blush fiercely and the kids to giggle, Billie trying to hide her own smile eating some of her own ice-cream. 

Today was being a good day so far even when she had her doubts about it when it started, taking in count she was not used to babysit. But she thought it was good in someway, an exception to make her remember that even when she was in some kind of vacation from work, it felt good to be able to do something instead of just sitting around in a house that was still pretty much unknown for her.

"What? Did I lie mami?" Dara, in a smooth move, saved some vanilla ice-cream from falling into the table and then ate a spoonful of her own - Billie always found funny how most of the time Dara picked fruit flavors. 

"Please aunt Dara, stop calling me that," Eva - Billie remembered that one easily - gave Billie a quick glance before trying to hide somehow her embarrassment.

"Yeah, give her a rest babe," Billie was fast to pick up that and with the pet name, she had Dara smiling at her and throwing her hands in the air, all of that before lowering her voice a bit. "I think her friends overheard you enough back at the mall."

"Fine, fine, I'm only stopping because you gonna get enough of it once we are back at the house," Dara took a look over her niece and nephews before standing up. "I'm getting some more napkins before any mess happens."

It was weird for Billie to see that 'doting aunt' side of Dara, but she couldn't help but think how much it suited her. Hearing her talk with soft and cheerful voice here and there, only made Billie believe that her partner was a natural when it came to take care of the rest.

She looked at her for a second, seeing how much Dara was limping but not complaining about it, and it filled Billie with some sick respect for her...and worry. 

However her attention drifted once again when Ezra asked her if he could try some of her ice-cream in a shy tone, mostly because his sister didn’t seem to let him indulge in that. Not having Dara by her side made Billie nervous for some reason, probably because she wasn’t used to be in her own in this situation. And also because she didn’t know much about Dara’s hometown, so it was a strange situation for sure.

“Kids!” the sudden masculine voice startled Billie, making her heart to start beating faster. “Where’s your mom, hmm?”

“¡Tío!” it was then when Billie entered the panic zone because two of the four kids were moving faster than she could, going to hug a man that she never saw before. “We’re eating ice-cream!”

This tall man, with leather vest, an old t-shirt of some kind of festival and baggy jeans. His hair was slicked back except for a few loose strands that fell over his forehead. He had tattoos covering his arms and some showing through the neck of his shirt.

“That can I see and taste,” the man laughed because he had pick up the twins, they were kissing him in his cheeks and giving him to try their desserts, and then his eyes went to Billie first before looking at the teenager girl. “Where’s Diana or your mother, Eva? I thought Carla didn’t let you go alone outside.”

“We aren’t alone,” Ezra interceded, scowling once again, but not looking at the man. “We are with aunt Billie…”

If Billie was nervous and about to panic, hearing the kid addressing her like that calmed her in a weird way. She wasn't a stranger to be called aunt, her own sister had a couple of kids, but she visited them so little that it was just as weird. She smiled at him, but the man didn’t even seem to acknowledge Ezra nor her because he kept looking at Eva with an inquisitive look. Eva didn’t seem to want to talk and Billie wasn’t sure if she was afraid or just the stubborn teenager part, but she did it the same with a strange glint of pride that Billie already saw somewhere that she couldn’t pinpoint at the moment.

“Working. Aunt Dara came a few days ago, she’s watching over us,” it was time for the man to go pale suddenly. 

“Edo, Ev, you’re gonna make a mess all over your uncle, get down papis, c'mon.”

Obedient as ever, the twins wiggled their way to the ground and Billie got her stomach in a tight knot only by feeling how the still cheerful situation dropped to one more serious. Dara was leaning in her cane with both hands, looking at the man that was now facing her, a nervous smile over his lips.

"Ana, how you doin'?" There wasn't a visible height difference, but Billie got the feeling that the man shortened when he leant to kiss Dara's cheek in a friendly way - and receiving a soft one back in response. "Didn't know you were back."

"For a few days, yeah, we're on vacation and decided to spend it with my family," the sentiment in Billie's guts got tighter when Dara was adamant in making a point with the way she said the 'we', tapping her cane in the ground twice. "And I've never been better Godo. I'm spending the morning with my niece and nephews, what else could I ask for?"

"That's amazing th-"

"Tío Godo asked where's mama, tía," Eduardo, the twin with the bright green shirt, was quick to speak over the adult while hugging Dara's good leg.

Billie saw the way Godo sunk a bit more with that, how Dara's brown eyes hardened and how Eva looked away almost immediately.

"Is that so, hmm?" Dara hummed, fixing Eduardo's messy black hair with quick fingers, the gold of her rings shining a bit while her attention went from the kid to the man.

"Just checking in Ana, y'know I worry about the kids and they were alone," Godo chuckled nervously and Billie immediately felt a soft static in her skin. "I bet you understand."

"Uncle here asked for mom too," Eva chirped, only making Dara to tighten her jaw a second before flashing one of her smiles. 

"But they weren't alone, my partner here was with them," Billie absolutely didn't want to get any attention, unlike the rest of the time in her life. "As I am, so now you can go your way with your worries eased. I'm sure you can give my sisters a call if you wanted to speak with them, right?" Godo nodded and the static went away, Dara smiling at him again as if she was even glad to have met him there. "Great, then it was nice to see you, Big G."

When he was gone, Billie smiled almost shyly at Dara and was met with the purest form of happiness in the way the woman smiled her back. It was as if the encounter didn't happen and Billie knew right off the bat that there was a long story behind all of the animosity that the kids missed by a head - except maybe for Eva, which started to act a bit softer towards her little brother.

After that they resumed the ice-cream time a few minutes later and decided to make a quick stop to get burgers for take out. Billie knew Dara always liked to actually eat in the place, but by the way her leg was acting up, it was for the best to take everything back to the house instead of staying for lunch.

"Annie, everything alright?" asked Billie while the kids were already running towards Dara's parents and Eva was carrying the bags with the food.

"Yeah honey, just a bit tired but nothing a nap can't fix," Dara leant for a kiss, one longer than the tiny pecks they shared over the morning. "I'm hungry actually, and you?"

"I'm hungry too," Billie chuckled, wrapping her arms better around Dara's waist and drawing a giggle from her. A new slow kiss making them  forget their chances of making out like teenagers against Dara's mother's car were getting high. "But nothing we can’t fix before your nap," that made Dara laugh and Billie smiled big at her. "If we can, of course, I mean...did you see your nephews? We should be running before they eat our food too."

"Their stomachs are like black holes, incredible, isn't it?" Dara pressed her lips against Billie's in a lazy and tired kiss, before lacing their arms together so they could walk inside with the rest. "I think is a genetic thing."

And after only one day around Dara's family, Billie knew that it was true. She never saw so much food disappear so fast in a long while, and she was living with Dara for almost four years now and with her for almost three more.

…

“Who was the guy?”

Billie managed to pull away from the charm that was Dara spreading body cream in her legs to finally ask the question. They’d claimed the main bathroom for themselves after everyone had their turn and they were taking every extra second of that privacy. 

Against the odds, Dara passed out the second she touched the inflatable mattress and Billie took that time to indulge in answering some emails at first, but after the few first ones it became impossible to do something else with Dara cuddling her right side with such sweet face. Would it be hard to take a quick nap? When they woke up, Billie thought she had been hit with a rock, her eyes too heavy, but tiny kisses helped her to get rid of the sleep.

If they tried to get some well deserved private moment, it was broken the second Darziel - Dara’s little brother - came through the door complaining about how their mother was doing some kind of zafarrancho to get ready for tonight’s dinner. Dara had hit him with her cane, repeatedly, until she managed to get him out of the room and then Ezra came in running from the twins, trying to get a place to hide. Billie knew it was a matter of time they got interrupted again and she was right the moment Deirdre - Dara’s biggest sister and Eva and Ezra’s mom - came into the room, hiding as well from her own mother…

...and in a matter of time, the room was crowded.

“Who?” asked Dara, fixing a bit her loose robe, but not stopping from going through the little routine. Billie was used to see it and appreciate it by now and seeing her so bare, raw, natural, helped greatly each time to remind her how much she loved her girl. 

“Badass Godo-guy,” explained Billie, getting as comfortable as she humanly could, sitting in an old stool and her back to the tile wall. “He was pretty adamant in ignoring not only me but your nephew. Ezra told him I was with them but turned a deaf ear on it.”

For a second Billie forgot what was she saying because Dara turned around, the robe loose again and letting her see...well, some pretty nice things; and walked towards her - barely two steps because the bathroom wasn’t really big - to sit in her lap. Billie feared for a second the stool was going to collapse under their weight, but it was resilient enough. Hands on hips, hands on shoulders and Dara was sighing softly while playing with the ends of Billie’s blonde hair.

“My brother-in-law’s brother...Diana’s,” Billie silently thanked the clarification, drawing her thumbs over Dara’s thighs in random patterns - she was extra careful with the one scarred. “He’s a fucking bully, went with me to high school. Godofredo doesn’t like many people and the sentiment is mutual.”

“For being a bully, you got him acting like a tiny pupper, doll,” Dara was the one smiling shyly this time, getting a kiss just for that. 

“Let’s say that I...beat him up really hard once,” Billie kissed Dara’s knuckles and fingers, bare from her usual rings, and then the inside of her wrist were one of her cross tattoos rested. “And twice, and thrice...and broke a chair in his back.” It was then when Billie looked at her wide-eyed. “That one had to do with why he ignored my nephew like that.”

Billie knew they would’ve been at it right away again, but she felt satisfied with what they did in the shower for some reason. That’s why they were last to shower, because Dara took in her hands all the things her siblings didn’t want to do - helping her mother in the kitchen, per example; driving her uncle Cedric to his appointment afterwards while Billie tried to help Dara's father in the backyard - to have the rest of the time from there to dinner free. 

It was their time, only theirs to do as they wanted, and Billie wanted to actually fill it with more than sex.

Talking was good, she liked hearing Dara talk, and hearing more about her was even better. She was genuinely interested in whatever she was about to hear...because all she could focus in was the woman sitting in her lap, not in whatever was floating inside her brain almost twenty four seven.

“Godo and Berto’s oldest brother is Eva’s father,” Billie saw Dara frowning and she leant to kiss her chin, getting one in her cheek in response. “I don’t even care where the fuck he is now, Berto neither, but Godo always looked up to his big brother. Fifteen years has passed and he still forgets that his brother lost any right as father and partner the day he left my sister to her own devices, and that’s only the top of the list,” there was tiredness in Dara’s voice and a hint of rage that faded when Billie focused in keep drawing soft patterns in her skin. “It took my sister eight years to finally move on, she got married and soon Ezra was in the way. Godo still takes that as a treason or I don’t even know at this point...and well, the rest is story.”

“But I don’t get how you ended up breaking a chair in his back,” it was a lot to take in, to be fair, but Dara couldn’t help but laugh when Billie tried to lighten the mood in the bathroom. 

“He decided to be a super duper asshole towards Deirdre while we were doing groceries, and well, a twenty-five years old me was really...let’s say I had a lot of pent up anger. I was invited to a party and you know how I get with the gin and he had the fucking audacity to show up,” Dara shrugged a bit and kissed Billie on the lips, sweet and slow while indulging in the intimate embrace. “If it wasn’t for Daya, he would have had a broken pool stick going clean through his thigh.”

“Wait, twenty-five, we already met when you did all of that?” Billie blinked fast at that and Dara blushed hard. “Now I can see why you were so-”

“Oh shush, I still am like that or did you forget what we did a week ago?” it was time for Billie to laugh and Dara to act like she was offended by what she said. Act because of the way she bit her cheek playfully. “But I did soften since then.”

She didn’t think that Dara actually softened, sometimes Billie could see that fierceness in her eyes, but she let her have that because she decided to move when someone knocked on the door. It was Dara’s father, Jeziel, telling them that they needed help to set up the table. Billie muffled a laugh against her hand when Dara silently punched the air and pinched the bridge of her nose before replying that they were going down in ten.

“See?” Dara started to gather their things to get back to the room. “This is why I like your sister."

"Do you now?" Billie raised an eyebrow, because she knew how much Dara despised Josephine - Jo wasn't really polite with her and openly declared her dislike for Dara, even when Dara herself always tried to be the most polite ever, to the point that even Billie and Jo's father had started to make positive comments towards the younger woman. 

"Yeah, with her at least I see the knife that's gonna stab me," Dara laughed openly and Billie couldn't help but chuckle with her. "Bunch of traitors, I'm telling you, we gonna steal the natillas and the vodka bottle and go feast by the pool."

"Baby, you're on your medication," Billie caught Dara by the waist, spinning her around so she could kiss her once again. "You can't get hammered."

"Calamities never come alone," Billie knew it was a rough translation of some spanish words just by how weird was it phrased, but it was okay, who cared anyway? "Would my lady in shining armor come save us from doing the dishes tonight?"

God, why was she so goofy unexpectedly? Dara didn't seem to want to let go, her arms circling Billie's neck with care and pressing slow kisses down her cheeks to her neck. It wasn't fair, it had to be illegal!

"We'll use one of the twins as distraction and the other to steal the car keys, I'll take you anywhere you want me to," she tried to sound dreamy, fairy tale-sque even, but all she did was sound a bit desperate. "Pick a direction and I'll drive."

"God, how much I love you Billie Dean," the next kiss was glorious, taking in count it was probably the big last one until they were again in their room late at night later. "But we should go already, honey, let's go."

And that was it, their private moment ended with a dreamy sight and a kiss to die for, and Billie felt like something in her chest beamed with pride, love and a deepness she was getting fond of. 

Dara was a slow walker now, to her own dismay since she hated moving slow, so it was easy to capture her hand and intertwine their fingers. Billie opened her mouth for a second, thinking about what she was going to say next, and Dara looked at her with curiosity filling her tired eyes. Without make-up, Billie could see the tiny freckles over her nose and cheeks better and it only added her a whole new level of cuteness.

"Are you okay Bills?" it was a question in a whisper, genuine worry laced with the words.

"Yes, it's only that I...well," she wanted to say it, she really wanted but it was too difficult. "I…" Dara's eyes shone in anticipation, one that made Billie feel a bit bad. "I think you didn't softened, you only got wiser and more patient."

How hard actually was when Dara said it to her almost everyday?

"Absolutely, if twenty-five me would had been in the same situation as thirty-two me today, that man would had been at the dentist to get fake teeth for real as of now," Dara giggled, hiding away the little disappointment upon not hearing those words she wanted to hear so bad, and kissed Billie's cheek sweetly. "Not letting him go with the soft warning of 'go already or I'll break your ribs with my cane'," one more kiss to Billie's nose and a dimpled smile. "Now let's go, before Diana breaks a new plate in the way to set up the table."

...

Billie didn’t know what to do at that point and it perfectly showed.

She always had easy talk ready to overcome awkward situations, that’s how she survived to lots of parties all those years. But Dara could see that it wasn't that easy for her right in this moment, not when she was watching Deirdre and Diana argue over God knows what and none seemed to want to stop them.

Dara was used to that, Deirdre was always out of touch with the fact that Diana was sensitive and Diana always forgot that Deirdre loved to burn every argument down to the base. It didn't help at all that her mom was trying to give Billie some pointers about, again, God knows what and that was messing up with any tempo her dear medium was trying to keep. She wanted to go save her before it was too late for her head, but she was busy getting the plates over the table in order while Eduardo tried to talk her ear off about the show he seemed to love so much these days.

How could a seven years old talk that much and so fast? If she wasn't trained with the old ladies at the store, she would've gone insane only five seconds in.

"¿En serio, papi? Give me that," Dara smiled at her nephew, not wanting to cut his speech but needing the cutlery in his hands. Eduardo gave it to her without taking a break from talking. "Hmm, abuelita gave you more forks, someone's coming?" But the kid was too deep in his world of explaining to his favourite part to actually pay more attention than the necessary to his aunt. "Well, we'll see later then."

It was something that didn't worry Dara at all, taking in count in her house there was always more people than the usual. Maybe her parents invited some friend over or her siblings, who knows? Reaching for her cane, which she left against the table, Dara decidedly tried to move towards Billie now that she was free.

Her grandfather, Bruno, saved the medium from the little chaos and they were sharing a comfortable silence in the couch, or at least that much Dara could see. Seeing both like that, two of the most important people in her life getting along well, made her stomach explode with butterflies as if she was a teenager again. And she wanted to be part of it too, even when she overheard some ruckus in the front door.

However, the ruckus had a name and Dara was interrupted in her tiny quest of making her way to Billie because of the new guest at the house.

"Oh God, Dara!!!!!" Loud as ever, the asian girl crossing the backyard door was smiling directly at her, running with open arms towards her and meeting in a big hug. "How long since I last saw you? Instagram posts doesn't count, it's been forever!"

"Don't be dramatic Gemma, I was here a couple months ago," Dara couldn't help but laugh at her soon sister-in-law's antics. "I hope Darziel is treating you right."

"Your brother will always treat me well," Gemma's laugh was clear and soft, making Dara feel at ease only with that. "Where's your mom, by the way? My mom made me brought over some desserts and other things."

"Kitchen...I think? You know the drill, follow the panicked voice and you'll find her," they both laughed with that and Gemma hugged her again, Dara indulging on it because well, she missed her friend, to be honest. "At my left at dinner like always?"

"Of course! Your right is for your grangran, how can I stole his sea-"

"Actually, tonight Billie is at my right," the statement made Gemma stop from walking and she looked back at Dara with surprise and curiosity written all over he face. "He's at her right."

"No way, is she here?" Hearing Gemma so excited only because Billie came to Sacramento this time, made Dara happily hum and nodded where Billie was now shyly chatting with Deirdre's husband. "Okay, okay, later you'll fill me with details and I'll try to sell my soul to the devil so you two have a table at the restaurant before you go back home," Gemma squeezed Dara's hand over the cane and smiled big at her before Ezra drew her attention, hugging her by the thighs. "Hey, big guy! Let's go see your granny, I brought your favourite mini-cakes."

When Gemma was gone, Dara couldn't help but chuckle to herself. Who would have tell that an eight year gap was something difficult in a friendship? She practically saw Gemma grow up in the woman she was today, her brother and her the bestest of friends until the spark of love grew between them and became more. To this day, it still amazed Dara how everyone was so blind to not see how Darziel was head over heels with her since they were little.

Maybe she could tell Billie that story at the promised dinner at Gemma's parents' restaurant.

Looking towards her blonde, Dara caught Billie asking for silent help because Abraham was drifting away in the conversation - as always - and she was getting even more lost if it was possible. Yeah, she totally needed to save her girl, be the knight in shining armour first and all those nice things.

But right in the moment she was about to take the first step, she heard it clear even over the voices of everyone. 

The whir of a motorbike making a left in the corner of the street, the engine stopping in front of the house...it was loud enough to fill the silence of the street even when the house was alive with voices. It made Dara's stomach churn anxiously just with that, because she knew that exact sound by heart and soul. She really wanted it to be a hallucination because of the mix of allergy and pain meds, but the doorbell going off told her it wasn't.

Frozen like she was, Dara managed to turn around when she heard the rest welcoming the new guest that came through the backyard door. She wasn't ready for this, not at all, but she composed her best smile by the moment her eyes locked with those she knew from a long time ago, filled with surprise and something deeper, something she wasn't sure what it was because she was too worried to not runaway in that moment.

"Dara...Ana," her second name was always the way to soften her and only three people in this world could make it work. "You look beautiful, how are you?"

Her grandfather, Billie and Benjamin, her ex.

"Getting ready for the feast," Dara smiled in automatic and she immediately knew Benjamin knew it as well, that she was slipping into her full damage control mode as the clock was ticking even when she felt herself less tense. “You don’t look so bad yourself.”

And it wasn’t a lie, he had changed...both had changed greatly, in fact, but Dara thought the change looked better on him. Benjamin sported his hair short, one of those modern haircuts kids these days wore, and it was obvious he had trouble with styling it since he had wore it long since Dara had memory. He was dressed in jeans, clean sneakers, and shirt buttoned all the way up...and he looked so uncomfortable on it, that it drove Dara crazy for some reason.

Making her forget that she had literally no clue why he was even there.

And she moved towards him, like a magnet, instead of going to save Billie from Abraham’s never-ending talk.

Billie saw how Dara made her way towards the new man in the house and she felt something waking up in the pit of her stomach. 

It wasn’t like she didn’t see Dara interacting with people, she was always polite and kind even with strangers, but it was the way the man threw his hands a bit to help her girl, the way Dara only moved her hand to dismiss it and got what she wanted - because who could get Dara to indulge without a fight? -; the way she fixed his shirt and his hair with quick fingers, the man thanking in a whisper while he also fixed his belt; and obviously the way he took her cane’s hand and kissed her fingers, over her rings, respectfully.

All of that it what truly woke Billie’s raw jealousy...but in a way she had never felt before.

A sad one that started eating her alive right in that moment. 

It went worse the second they were all sat at the table finally. Dara seemed nervous, her fingers flickering with the need of having a cigarette over her knee, when this man sat in front of them led by Dara’s mother. Billie wanted to reach for her hand, intertwine her fingers with hers and kiss her head to whisper the softest ‘I love you’ ever whispered and see if it would help her girl to calm down.

Her eyes went to the rest of the table, trying to see if anyone was acting different, but she was met with the pure happiness of a family gathering. It gave her the empty sensation she sometimes had with Dara, like an impenetrable wall that hold back everything, but when she looked at their side of the table…

...she was met with something completely different. 

Gemma was her bubbly self, but she kept being the most attentive towards Dara, talking her ear off but also giving her reassuring touches here and there. Darziel was as nervous as his sister, but he was trying to keep himself busy with eating because unlike Dara, his appetite never died apparently. Don Bruno kept eating, his eyes on the man as if he was able to dig holes in his skull just like that, but also kept passing Billie some of the dishes so she could eat a little of this and a little of that, making mumbled pointers about the food. Berto and Abraham talked to each other, to their kids, but sometimes gave nervous glances to their wives and to this man.

When her eyes finally landed in Carla, in the right end of the table, Billie knew there was something bigger than a family gathering going on and somehow, her sad jealousy went to a second plane because her attention was drawn by this same man that seemed to destabilize the whole picture.

“Sorry, I think we weren’t introduced,” he had a sweet smile, gentleman like, and it was pretty visible for her that he was trying to make things less awkward. He stretched his hand over the big lasagna platter and Billie went in automatic, taking it in hers. She expected a strong handshake but he held her hand as delicately as he did with Dara’s minutes ago. “I’m Benjamin Hernández, my parents are old friends of the family.”

“Billie Dean Howard,” she said her name trying to add the punch she always added when meeting someone, but she failed miserably. “I’m Annie’s partner.”

She did not fail, however, in finally reaching for Dara’s hand under the table with her free one, intertwining their fingers as she wanted. She didn't need to put up the charade of the medium of the stars, the fake smile, a more composed voice. She was just Billie.

And having Dara looking at her with the whole universe shining in her eyes was all that she needed to get her going through the whole dinner.

...

Saying that she ate too much was an understatement, she was pretty sure that she never ate that much to begin with. But it didn’t feel wrong, Billie was actually satisfied, warm and feeling just a bit tipsy thanks to the wine, making her enjoy better the rest of the night. She was still pretty much jealous, who was she kidding, but having Dara so close to her while they were playing domino with Diana, Deirdre and Gemma did wonders on her mood.

Dara seemed less nervous and leaving tiny pecks in her cheeks every time they did a good move in the game seemed to be helping her keep whatever storm that’s brewing in her head at bay.

“No, honey, you need to pay attention to this and this,” Billie nodded, following Dara’s hands. “And then...you put this one and boom! We won!”

“No fucking way!” Diana laughed at Deirdre’s reaction, Gemma still trying to figure out how Dara had won once again at domino. “To Hell with you, how do you do that? You always sucked ass to this game.”

“I found some online domino and the store is empty too many hours a day, I got better just by boredom,” Dara chuckled while Diana pulled all the tiles together, so they could play another round. “And Dahlia and I always play when we get together, she’s teaching Shelby as well.”

“And how that’s going? She’s a pretty good teach, I’ll always remember how she helped me with maths over Skype.” asked Gemma, happy to hear about Dahlia. 

“Horrible, for a yoga instructor, Shelby sure does have like zero patience,” Billie laughed at that, the memory of how frustrated the other blonde woman was fresh in her head, while Dara put her arm over her shoulders. “Dahlia loves her too much to tell her, but hey, until then we got some funny show going."

Billie looked at Dara for a second, taking in the way the orangish light lightened her features ever so softly. Beautiful, so beautiful, so, so beautiful that Billie leant to kiss her just because she couldn't help it at this point of the night. Dara smiled against her lips and also indulged on it, her hand to Billie's cheek to loosely caress her cheekbone with her thumb.

It didn't last long but they kept kissing each other, peck after peck and making them forget they were about to play another round of domino, making both forget they felt still uneasy from dinner.

"Go get a room you two," Diana threw them a domino tile and Dara chuckled against the last kiss, receiving another one in the cheek. 

"Same room you all keep using as hiding spot? No, thanks, I pretty much prefer to wait a few more days till we get home," Billie hid her face in Dara's neck so they couldn't see her smiling smugly at the lie, but also fondly at how the word 'home' sounded in Dara's lips. "Unless you want to learn some stuff from yo-"

"Oh my dear lord, don't finish that sentence Dara Ann Lynch!"

Everything sent them all into a big fit of laughter, one shushed quickly by Carla coming out from the kitchen back door with her arms akimbo. They five were the only ones still in the yard, the rest inside taking care of dirty dishes, sleepy kids and furniture moved.

“You better move inside, your father is already getting the ron out and all,” it was their cue to move, Billie knew that pretty well, and she soon had her arm ready for Dara to take. “Billie, can you be a dear and help me with coffee?”

“I can help you m-” Dara started to say before Billie could say or do something.

“Oh no, cariño," the way Carla smiled made Billie's stomach churn and she gave a side glance to Dara. "You rest a bit, okay? Dei, Dia, help your father, I think he's also fighting with the music thing you bought him for Christmas."

Deirdre and Diana said 'si mamá' at the same time and Gemma scratched the back of her neck, not knowing what to do since her mother-in-law didn't give her a task. Carla was still there, waiting for Billie, and she smiled at her before squeezing Dara's forearm a bit.

"Of course Carla, I'm coming."

Dara smiled faintly when Billie kissed her cheek and Gemma was quick to replace her, helping with the moving part towards the living room. As the day has gone by, Dara was feeling drained because all of the come and go had strained a bit her bad leg, and not even her cane was enough to make her feel steady. 

Billie didn't want to leave her side, but playing nice with Dara's mother was important at this moment. She always felt there was some kind of separation with Dara's family and her, and she wanted to close that stranger gap. Sometimes she felt like they all were waiting for Billie to dump Dara and it was unnerving, to be fair, making her guts twist uncomfortably.

When she passed by the living room, Deirdre and Diana were talking with their father in spanish, the tone of their voices one of mockery yet exasperation because probably it wasn't the first time they helped him with the whole device. Cedric, Dahlia's father, was talking with Benjamin and Berto on the couch, while Abraham was getting glasses from a cabinet. The whole living room was getting cozy in someway, a kind of warmth Billie wasn't used to but she found herself not minding at this point...even enjoying it.

Everything was really different from her own childhood home.

Bruno gave Billie a warm smile when Carla and her got in the kitchen, tapping slightly with his hand the side table there to the rhythm of the song that was now playing in the background softly. There was still food in the counters, waiting to be fully cold and be stored in the fridge, but also there was a plate and a glass aside that made Billie recall that Dara's little sister, Dayanara, wasn't around yet.

"Is Dayanara coming home soon?" asked Billie after being told where were the stuff for coffee.

"Yeah, she called a few minutes ago, said in forty-five she'll be here," Carla chirped, turning on the stove so she could put the coffee pot and a kettle to heat up. "Daya's been working too many extra shifts this week, my poor baby."

"For a week that her sister is here, she should have stick with her usual schedule," rumbled Bruno, playing with a piece of paper that was over the side table. 

"Ay papá, you know how she is, she just want to be better and be a good nurse, and that takes a lot of hard work," Carla gave Billie some cups and gestured her where the little spoons were. Dara had the same hand gestures as her mother, she noted. 

"All I'm saying is that we barely have Anita here, demonios."

"Dara understands that Dayanara is working hard, she's the happiest as long as they can have some time together," interceded Billie after retrieving the spoons, leaving them in the tray they were getting ready. "But…" she looked over her shoulder before lowering her voice, a bit worried. "I feel like Dara thinks Dayanara is avoiding her or something."

And it wasn't a lie, to be honest. Dara did commented on it one of the days late at night, when they were lying awake because of the heat, and Billie easily picked up to what her girl was saying the next morning. She was always good at picking up the behaviour of the rest, even when sometimes was harder, thanks to her own gift and just by how Dayanara turned down every plan Dara had proposed to her, well, what else could be said.

However, Billie didn't drop the comment that innocently. If something was up, maybe a push in the right direction would give her some pointers about why everyone seemed so uneasy since they arrived. It wasn't only a thing of that day, Billie had been picking up the weirdness in the family little by little and decided to keep it to herself so Dara could enjoy their time there.

Maybe today was just too much, overall after seeing how Dara had reacted upon having that Benjamin guy over dinner with them all.

"No, no, no, she's just busy," even when Carla's voice was a bit happy-go-lucky, Bruno's scowl said that there was something else behind. "And tired, that's all."

Carla still didn't know how stubborn could Bullie get, unfortunately, let alone when Dara was involved. She needed to cut everything by the root the moment it started to bother her girl, she didn't make the rules.

"Well, you can lie to her all you want," Billie said, a match lightening inside her chest, while pushing the kitchen's door to shut it close. "And she's going to let you if she noticed, but not me. What's going on?" she asked it with the voice she usually used on set. "Since the second that guy was in her view, Annie's been all shook up, and I don't like that because we're supposed to be on vacation, away from any headache."

Billie didn't miss how Bruno looked at her, a proud glint in his eyes, when she crossed her arms under her chest and looked at Carla with all the courage she had gathered up in a matter of seconds. 

God bless coffee for being so slow to be brewed.

"You can't tell my daughter about it, okay?" Fucking bingo, thought Billie when Carla finally gave in, looking at her to get a nod in response. "Did she talk to you about Benjamin before?" Negative, Billie shook her head. "He's her ex-boyfriend...and he's now dating Dayanara."

…

Dara had her eyes closed, trying to focus in how her father's heart beat, all while listening to him hum along the song that was currently playing. 

They managed to get the music going and she was just too tired, hoping that Billie could free herself from her mother's hands soon, but her father had pulled her to dance with him. 

She couldn't say no and she preferred to be occupied with something instead of leaving room to Benjamin to talk to her again. Dara was still trying to wrap her head around why he was there and, as much as she wanted, there was something buried deep inside her chest that stopped her from start a third degree interrogatory right away.

“...Y si en sueños pudiera volar, yo llegaría hasta ti,” her dad started to actually sing and Dara smiled, still her eyes closed. “Para entonces hacerte escuchar, lo que nunca te pude decir…” Dara giggled when he switched to humming again and it drew a low laugh from Jeziel. 

“¿Ya te olvidas de tus canciones favoritas, viejito?” she asked in a mumble, letting herself be held better by her father. At times, more often than not these days, she missed the feeling of protectiveness being in his arms gave her. 

“Ya sabes que nunca las aprendí del todo mami,” Jeziel smiled and kissed the back of her head, still swaying to the rhythm of the ballad. 

“So lucky mommy loves you, you’re such a romantic,” she shook her head and tightened her hug.

“Sometimes I think she still loves me because I’m strong enough to move stuff around, like, I still got the guns and all,” Dara felt her father flex his arms a bit, making her roll her eyes because he still called his muscles like that. She felt how her father left his hand in her hair, carefully brushing her soft locks. “I like when you let your hair grow, makes me remember when you were home.”

Maybe that was why she didn’t like it, because it made her remember of all the things she didn’t want to relive, but sometimes she kept postponing going to the hairdresser when she was too busy and her head too full of thoughts. Which was kinda why it was getting longer these days without her caring much about it. 

Spying through her eyelashes, she looked right at Benjamin, who was one of the reasons of why she did things differently these days.

“It makes me remember home as well,” Dara mumbled, hiding from her father that they remembered different things. “But I probably cut it once I’m back.”

“Ay no, mi niña, espérese a después de mi cumpleaños,” Jeziel pressed his hand a bit on Dara’s head, chuckling in that warm way he had. “Deme ese pequeño regalo, siempre te viste linda con tu pelito largo.”

“Okay, okay,” Dara sighed a laugh and looked at her father in the eyes finally, kissing his cheek fondly. Two months more of having long hair, she could do it...she thought. “But that’s your gift and that’s it, no more,” it wasn’t like a Dara had her father’s gift bought five months prior or else. “And you have to promise to make your chocolate cake for only us two and have a Rush Hour marathon...mojitos included.”

“None haggle like you, Anita,” Jeziel kissed her daughter’s forehead with love and tenderness. “You got a deal, but do you think Billie likes Rush Hour? Maybe we can let her have some cake and mojitos too.”

If Dara felt still uneasy, having her father to express curiosity and even show initiative towards Billie was a direct shot to her heart. Since the moment she told them she was dating Billie, her family except for her grandfather, Darziel and Gemma had been a bit...hesitant towards her. That in...seven years she didn’t show up much didn’t help her case, but she was taking steps forward and that seemed to have helped Dara’s family to also get interested, to want to get involved.

And that was the only thing Dara ever wanted since she knew she wanted to be with Billie as long as possible.

“Who do you think watch shitty movies with me back in Los Angeles? Dahlia?” that made father and daughter laugh, because Dahlia hated movies like those. “Billie sticks with me every time I get int-”

“Perdón,” Benjamin’s voice cut the father-daughter moment like a hot knife over butter. “¿Puedo...bailar con Ana, señor Jeziel?”

Dara felt her father’s hesitation in the way he didn’t stop from holding her, like he used to do when they were dating, and then the soft look in his face. Dara was the one between her siblings that resembled his father the most, her mother always joking that even as a days-old-baby she could pick point her from a bunch of other babies easily. So Jeziel got back the soft look he was giving, the permission Benjamin was asking for being given by his own daughter in the form of a tiny kiss on the cheek before his daughter turned around in his arms to put both her hands in the man’s shoulders.

His attention was drawn, however, by Eva wanting to dance with her grandfather and Dara was left with the source of her stress, who was trying to just mimic the way Jeziel was holding her daughter seconds ago.

Dara felt her body react like a ghost of what she was once. Forearms over Benjamin’s shoulders with her hands intertwined, Benjamin’s hands folded in her lower back and both looking into each other eyes with dozens of nights, days, noons spent together being there like a faint memory. 

It felt like they were seventeen again.

Eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two and their love stronger than ever...yet they both were there, thirty-two and sharing space after ten years since the last time they touched each other, seven years since the last time they heard each other’s voices.

“I was being sincere back there, you still look beautiful,” it was a shy approach from him but Dara thanked it the same, because she was a bit speechless. “Thought a bit skinnier than I remember.”

“All my baby fat finally went from everywhere to my thighs and tits, what can I say? Still got some in my hands, though,” Dara couldn’t help but feel a tiny fire in her chest, full knowing Benjamin was picking at her and falling, making him laugh. “But I was sincere too, Min, you look nice even when I feel you’re wearing someone else’s skin.”

“Well...I thought it was time to make a big change once and for all, look nice and sharp, y’know?” that face that she once found so kissable didn’t change, the soft smirk on his lips, the rise and fall of his eyebrows. “Lena dragged my ass so hard after getting out that I kinda indulged in some brother-sister bonding time that ended up with me looking like one of these modern kids.”

“Your little sister won’t ever change...nor you do; she says ‘go’ and you say ‘where’,” Dara rolled her eyes at hearing, once again, her ex-sister-in-law’s antics. “How are you handling everything?”

Dara didn’t want to address the elephant in the room so soon, but it was better this way now that he kind of mentioned it. She felt her voice soften because six and a half years in jail wasn’t something easy to talk about, Benjamin’s features softening as well.

“It’s weird, not gonna lie in here, but these months are teaching me new things...and also making me think about some others,” he made that tiny gesture with his nose that indicated his cheek was itching and Dara’s hand went there to ease him, leaving it now in his shoulder while her other arm circled his neck. “Can you believe Godo approached me?”

That was something that ignited her from the pit of her stomach, raw anger destroying whatever coherent thing she was about to say and going full protection mode.

“Min, don’t te-”  

“I spit on his feet the second he was a meter from me, your father and your uncle saw me,” Dara felt Benjamin reassuringly caressing her lower back with his thumbs. “I’m not going back Ana, I’m trying to do something meaningful with my life...not going back with those that left me behind,” his smile was sad and full of hurt and all the anger that Dara was feeling settled in uneasiness. “You were always right, I still don’t know how you put up with all of it...and I’m sorry what it did to you, to us.”

Those words were ten years late, still made her heart ache with all the resentment she never managed to wash away.

“Someone had to protect you,” Dara shrugged, Benjamin taking her hand in his and pressing it in his chest, against where his heartbeat was going steady and where he had tattooed the same moon as Dara had under her right collarbone. Dara knew her ex was feeling her rings, her crooked fingers from a handful of times she broke them in a street fight when they were younger. “And I’m not drunk enough to have this full conversation, Min...not that I can get wasted now, anyway, mix of pills I became.”

“Viejita te me volviste,” Benjamin didn’t seem to mind that Dara didn’t want to follow that conversation, but both knew someday they’d have it and they were okay with that for the time being. 

“It’s not my fault this house became like an animal shelter, okay? My allergy skyrocketed in between Diana and her cats, Deirdre and her dog, my parents with Zeus...santo niño Jesús, give me a rest,” it wasn’t that Dara hated animals, she loved them in fact, but her allergy to animal fur...not goodie at all. “If my leg wasn’t acting up like a bitch, I would give the vodka a try,” she chuckled at that and a voice in her head nagged her because she also took one more of those. “But we have what we have.”

“It’s okay with me as long it’s okay with you,” Benjamin looked troubled for a second. “When my mother told me about the accident, it scared the shit out of me...watching you with that cane didn’t help to put me at ease at all.”

Two years had passed since the car accident but some days Dara still recalled it as if it was yesterday.

“Rehabilitation wasn’t enough, the limp will always be there as an effect, but I do prefer the limp over not having leg at all,” it was a too hardcore way to put it, but Dara always was direct like that. “Shit happens, Min.”

“I know but…” the hurt in his eyes was much deeper than Dara could think. “The thought of you alone in a hospital bed...it hunts me at times.”

Dara felt that last sentence like a glitch in the somewhat calm moment, deafening her for a second and her eyes straying from Benjamin’s face to where the kitchen door was opening, her mother, her grandfather and Billie coming back with the coffee, tea and whatever her mother was also getting ready. She kept swaying with Min but her whole skeleton wanted to escape, to take Billie by her hand and go upstairs, hide in the room and forget this night by drowning herself in between her lover’s thighs...as vulgar as that sounded.

“I wasn’t alone,” her voice was so faint that it hurted somehow. “Billie watched over me, she never left my side.”

While saying that Dara saw Billie freeze halfway to the living room’s table, locking eyes with her. Billie’s expression resembled a deer caught in the headlights and somehow the sensation of getting away from Benjamin got worse, as if his mere contact was like embers. Dara silently looked at her in search of an answer of sorts, Billie opening and closing her mouth ever so slightly and looking away from her.

Was that tea in her hands?

“Your partner, yeah,” Dara couldn’t tell what kind of feeling Benjamin wanted to convey, her own emotions building up, overwhelmed. Mockery, sadness, resentment, knowledge, she didn’t know, she didn’t want to know. “The ultra nice blondie, with the medium thing going. Your mother told me about her. If I didn’t know you better, I would have thought she was having a fling with you or something.”

Billie wanted to break the cup of tea in her hands against Benjamin’s head, that was for sure, but right in that moment she was a bundle of mixed feelings after what Carla had told her in the privacy of the kitchen.

She had seen Dara dancing with Nora multiple times, even hummed along the song they were dancing to, but it didn’t wake up the same feeling that the image in front of her was at the moment. She truly wanted to have the strength to pick up Dara in her arms, going full bridal style and take her upstairs, or somewhere entirely else to drown in being the two of them alone. There was no cigarette able to calm her right now, not even one of Audrey’s joints would help at all.

But there was something in Dara, the way her face was one of pure pain and surprise at the same time, that didn’t sit right. She seemed to be withdrawing from Benjamin as the seconds passed by and Billie’s eyes went to how the rest didn’t seem to notice the change in Dara at all.

It was then when the front door opened, keys clinking muffled thanks to the music, and the last Lynch arrived at the house. 

No, this can’t be. 

She thought that with her heart twisting in her chest painfully, seeing how Dayanara looked as mortified as Benjamin apparently but being more subtle about it. Billie didn’t need to read minds to know that Dayanara perfectly knew her boyfriend didn’t say shit to her sister or the rest did. They were all acting normal and her face showed clearly how tired, angered and confused she was. Billie felt Bruno by her side, taking from her hands the cup of tea she had ready for Dara, and leaving it over the table while letting his free hand to rest in the middle of her back. A silent support, she supposed.

“Daya!” Carla was trying too hard to cover her own surprise by being happy about her arrival. “I’ll heat you up some food, go get change and-”

“Mamá, por favor, cállate,” Billie didn’t need to understand spanish to fully know what was said by how Dayanara pinched the bridge of her nose after pulling up in her head her glasses, leaving her bag over a chair. She was still wearing her nurse uniform. “I’m too tired to handle this right now but I’m going to rip off the band-aid once and for all, and fuck everything.”

“What’s going on?” it wasn’t ‘what are you talking about?’ what came from Dara’s lips and Billie already expected her to say that because as much as she liked to be direct, Dara only asked for the same at the end of the day. 

“Benji and I have been dating for four months, that’s what’s going on,” Billie felt herself shiver at how similar Dara and Dayanara’s features were when angry. “I wanted to tell you right away, talk to you face to face, but between both being busy and all...well, I expected to tell you after dinner today. Thought he was going to start the conversation since I got stuck at work, but it seems he didn’t.” 

The tension in the living room was heavier than how it was at the Montgomery’s mansion, Billie starting to feel a soft static tickling her skin as if it was some kind of warning that everything could go to shit from one second to another. 

Dara wasn’t going to explode as her family thought, right? 

That was what Carla told her in the kitchen, the motive behind why they all had been hiding all of that from her. Carla told her that Dara would get angry and messy upon knowing that her ex was dating her little sister, but Billie had stepped forward to counter that, tell her...mother-in-law that Dara was pretty down on Earth and calm upon facing any kind of issue, always working her way through it with a control that even her wished to have.

Darziel looked between his older sisters, worried sick, while Deirdre and Diana looked to each other first and then to both Dayanara and Dara, as if they were going to get into a fight or something. Dayanara stood where she was, like an immovable force, but Dara…

...Billie never saw Dara so defenceless.

However, that defencelessness went away the moment Dara smiled brightly at her little sister, throwing off everyone in the room with the force of an earthquake.

“That’s...God, Daya!” Dara laughed and walked towards her little sister, who noticed right away how she was limping heavier and met her halfway, getting hugged in the process. “I’m so happy for you two! Now it makes sense that he’s here,” Dara flickered her fingers towards Benjamin. “It was my fault for not coming home earlier so we could talk, don’t worry,” then she looked at her mother before taking her cane, which was resting against the table, before lacing her fingers with Dayanara’s. “Let’s get you some food and you can tell me some details, if it’s okay with you.”

Annie, what are you doing? Billie wanted to scream that on top of her lungs, confused as she was, while the rest of the house seemed to start breathing at ease upon seeing such reaction from her. Bruno did seem to think the same as her, but there was something in his eyes that told Billie this kind of reaction wasn’t a one time thing.

“It...is,” Dayanara was getting back from the shock, nodding and starting to walk along Dara towards the kitchen. “We can always talk more over breakfast.”

“Of course, of course,” Dara chuckled and leant to kiss her sister’s temple with love. “Gossip over pancakes, best gossip, right?”

Billie didn’t care how Jeziel seemed to stop Benjamin from following them, didn’t care that the rest went back to their things, didn’t care when Bruno led her towards the couch so they could sit together and monopolize it.

But she did care about how Dara had gone, somehow, where Billie was still both too afraid and too confused to follow her. 

...

When a nausea wave hit her once again, making her empty whatever was left at that point in her stomach, Dara thanked to her five-minutes-past self to have opened the shower to make the most background noise possible.

It wasn’t weird at all that someone got showered at the wee hours of the night in the house at summer, so she saved her own ass with that. 

For sure heat didn’t help at all, she thought as she put a hand over her sweaty forehead, waiting in case she threw up again. Not that there was something else left but bile, but who knew what her body was going to decide. She laughed to herself, thinking in how in other scenery that could make her go bananas and think she was pregnant or something, instead of just having such anxiety attack like the one she was having in that very same moment.

God, sometimes her mind went to some weird places in those situations.

Drenched in sweat as she was, she made a quick work by flossing the toilet and get in the shower after peeling off her pajamas, taking advantage that it was already turned on. Cold water made her feel better, settling little by little the hole her anxiety was craving in her stomach. With tears pushing for freedom in her eyes, Dara tried to think about anything else to calm her racing mind. Like how everyone had decided stay at the house, how funny it looked the way Deirdre and Diana managed to both get the sofa-bed and their husbands took the cold hard floor by their side. Darziel, Gemma and Eva slept in Darziel’s room, the girls taking the bed while he threw some pillows to the floor and built a nest-like bed for him. Dayanara and Benjamin went to Daya’s room and Dara’s mind made a double spin to avoid thinking more about that.

She was glad Billie and her got the tiny guest room-made-office for themselves.

Wrapping her hair in a towel and drying herself enough to get back in her clothes, Dara made her new task be brush her teeth the best she could. She had rinsed her mouth several times before going down to the kitchen to get some water, her throat still burning, but the stupid bad taste didn’t seem to go away. Dara went through the fridge to get some juice instead, and when she found one she actually didn’t like much - she wasn’t risking her favourites to get ruined because of this - she sat there with the window open, drinking right from the bottle while getting some fresh air to clear her head.

In her head everything seem to go really fast, almost disorganized, but whoever watched her from the outside could clearly see how slow and careful she was moving.

She was the best at pretending everything was fine, to hold it in until she was alone to let it all flow, but having a full house didn’t help her at all. And of course this wasn’t some stupid argument between her siblings or with her mother, so it only got worse from then on. Dara wasn’t having an anxiety attack because it overwhelmed her the news per se, but because she was reliving all the memories from her time by Benjamin so hard that made her want to slap some sense into Dayanara, tell her to break up with him and find her someone in Los Angeles, someone probably better under her own point of view…

...but what was the point, after all.

Nothing Dara could say would make her sister change her opinion and she didn’t want to influence her in anyway possible, because her own experience didn’t have to be her sister’s right? 

Ten years had passed, ten fucking years! Whatever she knew about Benjamin was literally thrown away into the garbage can because she didn’t know that man anymore, how he was now, how he acted now, his aspirations, whatever.

She only knew the ghost of what he was once...and it was the other way around as well.

The way he talked about Billie didn’t help him at all, the rejection was immediate as if he had slapped instead of throwing around some stupid words. If I didn’t know you better, I would have thought she was having a fling with you or something. Dara had to close her eyes because the nausea was about to hit her again, that or an unstoppable flood of tears. It felt wrong hearing that, as if Dara herself was nothing but a game for someone like Billie. How could he even dare to tell her that when he didn’t have the balls to tell her that he was dating Dayanara? He didn’t know her at all, for God’s sake!

So fucking horrible, wasn’t it?

Dara’s eyes wandered around the kitchen, trying to tone down the awful feeling in her chest by focusing in the kitchen of her childhood. All she could see was a time that she wasn’t happy...and she wasn’t thinking about being five to ten and running around with the laugh of her grandparents as music, she was thinking of her teens, her early twenties and how one day she packed all she had in the middle of the night, took her shitty ass car - that would get wrecked eight years later in the accident - and drove all the way to Los Angeles to take a wild chance on life.

A leap of faith that made her feel she still had something to do in life.

Her eyes finally landed in the only light bright enough to make a difference in the somewhat dark kitchen aside the fridge one and Dara’s stomach churned. They will always have landline, till the end of times, she thought while hobbling to take the wireless phone. Navigating through the agenda, Dara felt immediately guilty about what she was about to do but she needed to talk with someone that wasn’t in the mess at all.

Or that she hoped.

She knew well, deep inside, that she had had to wake up Billie for that but she didn’t have the heart to do so when her partner managed to get a hold of a night of sleep. Even more when it took several glasses of rum to take her down completely. Dara didn’t want to think about the hangover her father, Billie and Berto would have upon waking up, her own stomach hurting even more for them. So her thumb pressed lightly the button to select the number in the agenda, letting herself to think once again if it was the right choice overall.

Dara, while pressing the phone against her ear and sitting back in the chair, made a mental note to live a fifty dollars bill in her mother’s purse later in the morning.

“¿Abuelo?” the sleepy and heavy accented voice of a woman sounded in the other side of the line. “Ah...no.” was the only thing Dara managed to croak in response and the woman sighed heavily, whoever was by her side grumbling something in their sleep. “¿Tata Carla? ¿Qué lo que pasó? Incluso para usted es temprano.” the woman seemed to start functioning and Dara choked on an incoming sob because she didn’t want to overworry her. “It’s me, Dara, sorry for waking you up so early,” that seemed to restart the woman, whose voice was pure confusion now. “Dara? What are you doing calling me from your parents’? What are you doing even there?” sometimes Dara forgot that her cousin was a bit out of touch of everything, so it wasn’t something new to see that she didn’t read the family group chat. “I’m on vacation here...but I was calling you because…” Dara felt the uncomfortable warmth of tears in her cheeks and she couldn’t help but sniff a bit to hold another sob, even when her voice broke. “I don’t know Dani, I needed someone to talk with I guess,” Dara pressed her free hand, which was shaking, against her own chest. “But if I’m bothering you I can call later, I know it’s stupid, you should probably go back to sleep...You must be tired from work and all, I’m so-” Being shushed by Danielle wasn’t harsh, but it was what Dara needed to start crying a bit harder. “You won’t ever be a bother, not even if you tried, so don’t apologize. Just let me get down to the kitchen to not wake Bastien, okay? Take some deep breaths, mon mimi.”

Dara only managed to whisper an ‘okay’ while pressing her wrist to her eyes, trying to stop her about to be runny nose to do as she was told. She tried to focus on her breathing, but her throat still itched and hurt, so imagine the mess. Muffling her coughs against her forearm, Dara instead tried to focus in whatever sound Danielle was making in the other side of the line while her tears ran freely down her cheeks.

She was also repeating herself there, because ten years had passed too since before leaving her parents’ house forever she called her oldest cousin to get some sort of support. Twenty-two to twenty-nine, thirty-two to thirty-nine, the only thing that had changed was that her cousin didn’t have a two years old baby anymore but a twelve years old girl that probably didn’t remember Dara that well and that Danielle’s beautiful black mane was getting too many white hairs too soon.

“Okay, I’m here,” Danielle’s voice was gentle and warm. “You want to tell me before, after or in between the crying?”

Dara decided the last option because, as always, it was the best to get as much as she could out of her chest.

…

Billie didn’t know how she got downstairs alive, but she did it somehow without breaking her neck.

Maybe it wasn’t that good of idea getting hammered with her father-in-law and brother-in-law last night, probably not her best performance, but what was done, done was. Rubbing her eyes a bit and not getting her hand smudged with make-up - Dara probably removed it when she was asleep or she convinced her drunk ass to do it somehow - was a good start, but overhearing the cheery voices coming from the television gave her headache an uncomfortable push. 

How late did she wake up? Not that they had much to do, anyway, but oversleeping was hard in her in-law’s house. Her eyes went to the clock over the kitchen door, the bright red numbers telling her right away that it was midday. That sobered her up a bit, but what actually made her react was realizing the living room wasn’t that illuminated.

The curtains were almost closed except for a crack, enough to cast light over where Bruno was reading the newspaper. Her eyes then went to the television, some cartoon movie playing for Ezra, Eduardo and Evan, who were behaving themselves pretty well for being what probably was the hour when their energy should be at its peak, and then Billie discovered why they were so quiet aside of trying not to bother their great-grandfather morning reading.

Dara was there in the couch with them, long as she was, and the boys were sitting there too in a way that Billie didn’t know how could any of the four of them could be comfortable, except for maybe Eduardo that was lying over Dara, with his head in her chest. Evan and Ezra were sitting in between her legs, their tiny ones draped over Dara’s right leg as if it was some kind of a leg-rest or something. The funniest part was that Dara was heavy asleep, making Billie to think if maybe the heat didn’t let her sleep last night and was making up for it now.

That or maybe the stress from yesterday hit her like a truck.

“Morning,” Billie mumbled, raising her hand. The boys waved at her and Bruno looked up from his newspaper, all in silence. “Where’s everyone?”

“Jeziel and Berto in the kitchen, trying to get breakfast before my daughter comes from getting groceries with Deirdre, Diana and Eva,” explained Bruno without raising his voice much. “Abe, Daya and motor-kid to work, papito God knows where with Gemita.”

“Oh, okay,” Billie got closer to Dara and she leant with care to kiss her forehead and cheek with love, only getting a soft comfortable hum in response and making Billie lick her lips a bit, refraining herself to kiss her in the lips but noticing something along the way, like some kind of saltiness in Dara’s skin that Billie only blamed to sweating too much. “She must be really tired, I didn’t see her sleep so soundly in a while.”

“Must be, dear,” and with that, Bruno got back to his reading, the kids never getting their attention drawn from the film. “Go get some pancakes before they butchered them all, Anita made them.”

She obeyed without much thought, her brain still fuzzy with the hangover, but when she sat with coffee and the last two pancakes in the tray by the men in the kitchen table everything felt a bit more homier. It was the first day Dara wasn’t getting breakfast with her, who always was the one saving her from the morning chatter, but she was lucky enough to share breakfast with the other two hangover people in the house...so she got some quiet time sprinkled with some ‘pass me this’ or ‘pass me that’.

Nonetheless, the quietness of the morning helped her greatly to finally think about what could she get Dara for their seventh anniversary.

And she really hoped that her gift, along a pretty deserved night only the two of them, could make Dara feel a bit better and take her mind off the whole mess that ensued last night in the very same living room she was sleeping so peacefully in.

[poplinn]

I do think that the new outbreak of toxic people drumming up their toxic groups in this fandom is hurting people. They think theyre doing something right but all they're doing is making mentally ill and/or young fans too scared to enjoy or create in fear of being harassed.

Hi anon! first of all i want to apologise for responding so late. I have a lot to say about your ask and just wanted a clear head before i decided  to respond. i want to start  off by saying you are absolutely right.

Before i continue i am going to put a read-more because, well, i have a LOT to say about this, so, mini-rant ahead under the read-more…

These people are doing more harm than good.

I understand if you want to make a small list with content warnings, for a fandom, that is completely fine! But using such a list to start bullying, harassing, threatening and in general, witch-hunting people is not okay. Many great and talented people have been driven away from the fandom by that tiny toxic group(or the cucks, as i like to call them for easy sakes). Content creators are even scared to post their content too now, both of these things are a huge shame. It’s terrible. Sites like tumblr are supposed to be for sharing your content without limitations. [well, until the nsfw ban, but you get what i mean..]

I happen to be in contact with some people on the blocklist, and let me tell you, they are truly amazing and wonderful people. 

Yeah sometimes people make content you may not agree with, but that doesn’t mean you have start attacking people for it. Do you know how easy it is to click the unfollow or block button? But apparently some people are so stupid they prefer to screech instead of click one single button. 

But for example, I dislike a certain popular hc for medic. I dislike the Jewish medic hc. I’m a Jewish man myself, but I don’t like seeing Jewish medic for multiple reasons, none of which are out of antisemitic nature. What do I see when I see Jewish medic? I mind my own fucking business. The person who posted that wanted to create that, fine by me. I don’t agree with it, and I don’t have to. I’m not going to make a dumb expose list for everyone who ever said anything about medic being Jewish. I mind my fucking business like a normal, mature person. 

And there was/is a huge discussion about drawing or writing tf2 non-con…yeah, rape isn’t good. Every sane person knows that. Writing or drawing rape does not mean you’re a rapist (unless it’s an autobiography of course, then I’d like you to take a trip to prison). But, some people, including myself, write or draw non-con as a coping mechanism. I use confrontation to cope. I have a few triggers, and by confronting myself with said triggers I’m slowly getting over said triggers.

If I write or draw about these triggers or rape, I feel like I’m relieving my feelings about what happened to me. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, and i’m not the only person who does it like that. 

Yeah, I get people don’t always want to see that. That’s why tags exist, that’s why people use those tags for content and trigger warnings. That’s why you block those tags if you don’t want to see it.  It’s that simple

Also, some of them make the claim that fiction is reality. I disagree, fiction is not reality. Yes, fiction can impact reality, but it isn’t one and the same. If you can’t distinguish fiction from reality then, well, you’re either not ready for fiction or not old/stable enough to be able to tell the two apart. Besides, if fiction really IS reality then so many movies and books would have been banned, or the writers of those must have been in jail by now, right? Writing a book about a fictional serial killer does not mean the writer is planning to or already has commit murder. Take Tf2 fan-fiction writers for example. They write about dudes slaughtering each other on a daily basis, but some of them wouldn’t even DARE to hit a fly in real life. 

People who commit crimes because of a fictional piece were already going to do so to begin with. No sane human sees a crime that occurs in fiction and thinks to do the same. Those who do commit crimes because of a fictional piece were already planning to do so to begin with, and were probably not a completely hundred percent stable person.

And about the discussion of miss p being a lesbian, yeah I get that Jay said she’s gay and that, and if she really was a Canon lesbian, it’d be weird to ship her with men. However, those cucks do also make soldier a homosexual despite him having a (gorgeous) wife? Isn’t that kind of hypocritical? Anyways, Jay most likely was joking about miss p being gay, he’s known to be a jokey person like that. I feel like the way he did it was just saying “oh yeah btw she’s gay”. To me it feels vague. In the same sense that jk Rowling suddenly says everyone is gay in Harry Potter. Yeah, I hc her as a funky lil lesbian too, but i don’t go off on a tangent when someone sees her as bi, because the way she was “confirmed” as a lesbian, was vague and uncertain, and most likely a dumb joke that split the fandom in half.    

Anyways, most of the cucks I ran into are underage, and aren’t even allowed on this site, which can explain their irrational behaviour, and refusing to listen to anyone who slightly disagrees with them, but lemme tell y'all something, minding your own fucking business would have prevented this entire blocklist ordeal.

Besides, YOU are in control of what you see on the Internet. Don’t like a certain type of content? BLOCK IT! or just, STOP LOOKING AT IT! it’s not that hard!

You are responsible for your own experience on the Internet. Not ready for that? Then close your phone/laptop and go outside. Content creators are not responsible for what you do online, these creators don’t know you, don’t expect them to fucking take care of you, they’re not your parents. Avoiding certain content does NOT mean you have to start policing others on what to post. You have no right to tell artist what they can and cannot post. Again, you may criticise or dislike it, that’s fine, but actively demanding censorship or threatening the creator makes you look like an incompetent asshole. 

And if you disagree with something, it’s better to start with calming yourself down and contacting the OP in a respectful and mature manner. Maybe talk to them, broaden your horizon, broaden their horizon. Can’t agree eventually? That’s fine, it’s normal. Simply block the tag or the creator themselves and boom! You’re done, and didn’t harm anyone in the fandom and probably learned something, and OP probably too! If something isn’t tagged you can always, nicely, reach out to OP and ask them to tag. Most of the time they will. And if they don’t, just unfollow or block them if they continue posting a certain something that triggers you. Making a blocklist is one of the most immature things you could do. You bully and harass people to the point where some feel unsafe, and some even suicidal, in a fandom about a dumb fucking hat Simulator. Is that really what you want?? A fandom is supposed to be a safe and fun place for everyone who likes a certain something. By being toxic, and harassing others to the point where they don’t even feel safe(not only those who are young or mentally ill) in a what was supposed to be a safe place for them, you’re actively harming that safe place, and frankly, you don’t deserve to be in the fandom. 

Also, I’ve seen a lot of these cucks say they actually hate tf2 as a game, and really, if you hate the game so much why are you still here in the fandom? And ruining it for the rest for us?

If you do feel unsafe, follow steps I mentioned above. Talk to people, block tags, block people, and mind your own business without policing others in what they can and cannot do. Unfortunately, the creators who do feel unsafe because of the toxic group cannot talk them, because the moment someone even slightly disagrees with them, or tries to respectfully discuss why they’re being “cancelled” the cucks start screeching like full-blown autists.

You’re not the law enforcement, you are (most likely) a minor who isn’t even allowed on tumblr in the first place, and who has no idea how the internet, or fandom spaces in specific, even work.

Fucking hell I miss 2014 Tf2 fandom sometimes. 

~~

I hope this ramble makes sense, and again I’m sorry for making this so long.

And I’m sorry for posting drama again, I don”t like it either, and i usually have a lot of patience, but after a few years of this shit, i have come to reach my boiling point, and i just snapped, I’m sorry.

I sometimes refer to the cucks as you, idk why, but just now that isn’t referring to you anon.

Hopefully this will be the last of drama/discourse for now.

Thank you for reading, have a good day. 

-pop 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #269

“why aren’t you scared of me, why do you care for me, when we all fall asleep, where do we go?”

What’s your sexual orientation? Bisexual. What are you obsessed with right now? lol y'all know my staple stuff I'm always obsessed with, so two recent ones are Skillet (I've been binging soooo hard) and drawing again! What piercings do you want? A lot, jfc. More than any, I want collarbone dermals once I lose enough weight to where they're prominent. I've been on a goddamn weight loss plateau for two years. What’s your favorite show to binge? None. I generally don't enjoy binging too much. Do you watch porn? No, not interested. Do you have a secret sideblog? lol this survey blog. Do you have/would you get your nipples pierced? No. I very briefly considered getting one pierced, but I won't. Are you angry with anyone right now? Not like... actively. But passively it's there. What tattoos do you want? I refuse to die until I'm P A I N T E D  F O R  T H E  G O D S. Do you like paper books or ebooks better? Absolutely paperback books. It feels more "real," something to dive into, and it's easier to see and understand how far you're in. We talked about this in Writing once, was an interesting convo. Plus the smell of books, aaaaaahhhhh. Do you still have feelings for any of your exes? Yes How many followers do you have? On here? *checks* 265. Do you read erotica? No, I'd feel SUPER uncomfortable. That's why 50 Shades has never appealed to me. Have you ever gotten into an accident with you parents’ car? No. Ever thought of just picking up and moving far away? Oh yes. What’s the wallpaper on your computer? My lock screen is the Halo of the Sun from SH, and my actual desktop wallpaper is my favorite closeup of my late pup Teddy. What is the last thing/person you took a picture of? Probably a stupid Facebook meme to show Sara or something lmao. Name a band/artist you like that isn’t that popular. Otep. Can you lift your significant other (your best friend if you’re single)? I'm sure I could. What is the first vehicle you recall your parents/guardians owning? Mom had a blue/greenish van for most of my childhood, while Dad had this old tan thing that he nicknamed "Frida the Cheetah" lmao. He had that damn car forever. Have you ever seen counterfeit money? Not knowingly. Have you ever lost a pet you were attached to? Well of course. I grew up with tons of pets. What was the most rebellious thing you’ve ever done? Probably texting back "fuck you" to Mom when she was being really shitty when I was having a breakdown. Pick one: laundry, dishes, or vacuuming? I'd pick vacuuming over the others any day. Have you ever moved and had to change schools growing up? No. You are forced to move out-of-state. Where do you go? I literally want to move to Canada. The highway and back roads take you to the same place; choose your route. Back roads, probably. You’re going to be a mom/dad; what do you think/do? Have a fucking panic attack. Are you more likely to give up or persist when you’re having trouble? It really depends on the seriousness of the situation, but in most cases I've actually faced, give up. Do you resemble one parent more than the other? I don't think so. Your best friend needs a kidney to survive; do you give them one of yours? If we're compatible, yes. Name a big life event that has taken place for you within the last 2 years. Nothing because my life is incredibly monotonous and stagnant. Name one difficult lesson you’ve learned. Life isn't fair, and life doesn't care. Name one thing you look forward to as you get older. Hey, let's hope I can be a functioning adult before I'm 70. Do you use your hands when you talk to emphasize what you are saying? Yes. Will you usually admit it when you’ve made a mistake? Yeah. Does stress ever affect you physically? If yes, how? Oh, yes. My stomach will absolutely hurt and I sweat more than normal (I say "normal" because I have hyperhidrosis). Did you have a money box as a kid? What shape was it if you did? I don't remember... I know we didn't regularly get an allowance or anything like that, but maybe I'm sure I stored money I was given somewhere? Has kids TV ever frightened you? As a kid, I both watched and feared Courage the Cowardly Dog, lol. Do you have any potted plants in your house? No. If you were born outside of your era, when would you want to be born and why? Early '80s! What a time for music, metal fashion, and fun. If you ran a store, what would you sell/have? IF I was more knowledgeable on more species, probably reptiles and more proper care materials and give advice that's not shit. Places like PetSmart and Petco just... disgust me. What part in a movie would you love to play? If I was confident in acting, probably the maniac lmao. I've experienced enough Crazy for that. What's the oldest article of clothing you own? I don't really know, but I do know Mom has a lot of my and my siblings' shirts as we've grown up to knit together a blanket one day. Fuckin cute as hell. What piece of furniture have you replaced the most? The couch. What instrument do you wish you could be more than great at? Guitar, with that electric twist anyway. What’s the best part of your favorite movie? When Simba roars atop Pride Rock in the storm and all the lionesses join in FUCK I get goosebumps out the WAZOO. What do you think is the most over-rated candy ever? Twizzlers, disgoosting. If you could only debate two topics the rest of your life, what would they be? LGBTQ+ rights is #1, then... hm... probably the pro-choice argument. Or just women rights in general. Out of your friends, who would you say you are most jealous of, artistically? Oh man, my friend Mini. She drew pretty well when we were young, but her skill like... increased exponentially with time. She doesn't draw in a *style* I'm envious of, but that growth tho. Most jealous of….intellectually? Girt. What is broken that you have, that you wish was fixed? My brain lmao. A famous person you have met? Nobody. Who were the last five people to text you? Dad, Sara, Ashley, Mom, and my grandma. What is your favorite book that you had to read for school? The Outsiders. Think of the last two people you kissed. Who was more fun? I've explained the "idk if *I* ever actually kissed Girt" before, but just for the sake of the question, I'll just count him. I tbh hated it only ever because why were your lips always wet, sir???? The latest person was Sara, and she kissed fine. If your house was burning down and you only had sixty seconds to grab one or two things, what would you grab and why? Roman and Venus because they're family and I adore them. Out of all the concerts you have been to, which band/singer was the best performer? Alice was great! When was the last time you went miniature golfing? For Jason's and my second or third anniversary, so a long time ago. What’s a song you like from a genre you hate? I always answer this question with a country answer, so let's go rap. Hm. OH, probably a Post Malone song. I actually don't mind him. If you had twin girls what would you name them? Alessandra indisputably, and then the other... maybe like, Josephine. Especially as twins, I'd want two gorgeous, less-heard names. What kind of condoms do you use? I don't use any because I'm not sexually active. Do you say years young or years old [ex: 16 years young or 16 years old]? Man, I miss the days I could confidently say "years young," lmao. Do you have any personality disorders? Avoidant, yes. I'm pretty convinced I have dependent PD, too. Do you shave your arms? Armpits, yes, but not my entire arms. What do you dip your fries in? Ketchup or honey mustard. Has one of your good friends ever moved away? Damn, yeah. I particularly remember this girl from elementary school in I think the 5th grade that I was very close with, yet I don't remember her name now. What color car are you when you play The Game of Life? Dude idr the colors at all. Which hair color do you find the ugliest? I've seen it be pulled off, but generally, yellow. Would you date a guy that wears more make-up than you do? Hell yeah man you fuckin strut that shit. Did you ever play M.A.S.H. when you were little? Ah, I remember that! Sure did. If you were getting married, who would be your maid of honor? My mom. If you have any pets, were they adopted from the humane society? No, but I would of course. Do you like home design, like picking out paint colors and furniture? Not any more than the average person. Do you chew gum on a regular basis? No. List all of your features that you have ever got compliments on: Do you mean just physical? If that's the case, hair, eyes, smile, uh... I feel like that's it. WAIT I can't remember who but someone once called my nose cute. Have you ever been in a hot air balloon, and if not, would you ever want to go in one? No; yes. What type of computer do you have? It's an Acer Nitro 5. Is anyone else in the room with you right now? My snake. Do you whiten your teeth with crest white strips? Not Crest, but a different brand, yes. I hate my teeth. Do you listen to local bands? Not really. I will sometimes listen to an old friend's band, at least bits of what they post on Facebook. Nova Mortis, check 'em out if you like pretty heavy metal. Do you have a pool in your back yard? No, but damn do I wish. Do your parents fight? Do they even talk at all? That's why they're divorced. They, especially Mom, avoid doing so whenever they can. Do you drink alcohol on New Year’s Eve? Usually. Do you wear rings? Just one, a friendship ring w/ Sara. Are there any restaurants in walking distance to your house? It'd be quite a long walk, at least by my standards. What was the last picture you uploaded to your Facebook? A picture of Mom and me. Have you ever listened to the same song on repeat for hours on end? YES. When I find a song I really like, I become VERY obsessive. Like I will play it and play it and play it for days. I in general have an extremely obsessive personality. Do you like staying in hotels? I don't have much of an opinion. It's a nice change of space, though. Are musicals interesting or boring? They're cheesy to me. What is your favorite scent of incense? (If you burn it) Okay, HEAR ME OUT. There is legit a kind called "monkey farts" that smells SO FUCKIN GOOD. Jason used to burn incense in his room all the time and that was my favorite one, so I use it now. Where do you normally hang out on the weekends? At home. I'm always at home, regardless of the day. Can you tune a guitar by ear or do you need a tuner? I never could. Do you like love songs? Generally, yes. They're sweet. Would you rather drink 7Up or Sprite? Fun fact: Sprite used to be my FAVORITE soda as a kid. I even had a fuckin Sprite shirt. Now, I hate it. I haven't tasted 7UP in forever. What is your favorite song as of right now? I'm seriously digging Halocene lately, esp their cover of "bury a friend." Have you ever sex texted? This is gonna sound so stupid, but I'm actually not *totally* sure what that is? Just like, dirty talking or like, virtually RPing sex? The former I did when I was fuckin 12 like a goddamn idiot, but not the latter. When's the last time you went out of state? A year and a half (I think?) ago to visit Sara. What was your favorite TV show last year? I didn't *really* have one, at least not actively. Like I didn't devoutly watch anything. Would you know who to talk to if you wanted weed? HAHA I sureeeee do. I wouldn't want any, though. What is your favorite Beatles song? "Hey, Jude." If you could kiss anyone right now, who would it be? I don't want to think about this. What is your favorite energy drink? I don't like energy drinks. Way too intense. Have you ever been to Hooters before? No. When's the last time you tripped? (Literally or, you know) HA, funny I take this survey today because my left foot is either broken or I seriously tore a ligament in it because I fell yesterday. I had to go up a dose on my medication that helps my nightmares, but it's notoriously for lowering your blood pressure, and mine is naturally low. I got up to go to the bathroom and grab breakfast and many times nearly passed out from being so dizzy until I finally fell and my foot bent forward. I couldn't even walk by myself yesterday and am still really struggling today. Our family friend brought the boot she wore when she broke her foot over just a while ago, but if this doesn't help, Mom's demanding I go to the ER. Can you touch your toes? I don't know HOW I can, but I can, I guess from when I did yoga daily and I could pretty much go under my feet. What would you say is the best feeling in the world? Being in love and knowing they're in love with you, too. Have you ever “spoken” to any celebrities via Twitter? No. Do you like croissants? YESSSSSSSSSSS. Do you get a lot of traffic outside your house or not? Yes. Mom explained to me why one day because I'd asked, but idr what she said. Do you eat cereal bars? No, I'm a granola bar person. Would you consider yourself healthy? Uh no. Assuming you could speak and understand the language, would you ever study in a foreign, non-English speaking country? Sure, for like a year or so! Doing that in Germany would be amazing. Are you on any prescribed medication? A lot. Do you know any immigrants? I know an illegal one that got deported. I probably know others. Have you ever lived in university or college accommodation before? No. If you haven’t already, are you scared of leaving home? If you have, do you like it? Very scared. I'm just very dependent and ignorant on how to be an adult. If you could only eat one vegetable for a year (not including potatoes) what would it be? Broccoli. Do you have a certain routine in the bath or shower? What is it? Shave, shampoo, facial scrub, this exfoliating brush for your feet, and then body wash. Is there anything that you loved a year ago but just can’t stand now? Hm. I don't really know. What’s the weirdest meat you’ve ever eaten? I took the SMALLEST bite out of it because I couldn't stomach eating it, but after a lot of convincing I tried a microscopic bit out of deer jerky. If you smoke, what brand of cigarettes do you smoke? If you don’t, have you ever tried? Don't smoke and don't want to. Do you like dried fruit at all? what’s your favorite type? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

[cr-scribbles]

Oh no what's this? It's back again? Yup! Welcome back! It's me the judy, back here with another review! This time you think it's gonna be easier, buT NOPE IT JUST HURTS MORE! The second chapter is my favorite so far just because I get so much feels from these heckies! The third chapter was also good, but I will get there once we're finished with this one. Here is the link to the first part along with the second one too! > https://cr-incorrect-quotes.tumblr.com/post/190279246139/cr-incorrect-quotes-hello-welcome-to-my-first

This post will most likely be the same due to there being so many pages that I want to talk about to the point of not being able to fit everything into one so yeah! Expect a part 2 for Chapter 2! If you want to read the comic, here it is > http://children-rekindled.top/?c=1&p=1 Let's start!

Oh no we all know what this means that little heck is finally back and I was already screaming because of course I would be?? I missed him so much y'all- ALSO DANIEL SOUNDS SO CONFUSED AND THAT HURT CAUSE I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IS COMING AND I DON'T WANNA READ IT AGAIN, but surprise! Bon made it worse this time!! I'll get to that later-

EW EW E W EW When I was first reading this and even now, iT'S SO DISGUSTING?? The visual of a soul just having to come out of a mouth of a corpse is gross in all ways omg I wonder if there is a reason behind Freddy having no eyes in the first panel though?? Apart from the fact that it is just creepy, it doesn't show up anymore. Instead, on the same page, it just goes back to the normal eyes. It was probably just a creepy factor put into it to make it look more morbid, but sometimes creators have reasons!

Sometimes I sit here, glad nothing else was shown because I would rather not have to see him climb out of there. aLSO SAMMY HELPS HIM OUT AND THAT MAKES ME UWU! he really needs all the help he can get and I'm glad someone is there for him. Y'all don't know how much I love this blind babey boy

BABEY NOOO IM COMING TO HELP YOUUU This panel is good, bUT SO SAD OMG I WANNA HELP HIM CAUSE HE'S IN A LOT OF PAIN QMQ I don't even wanna know his thoughts right now and how confused he is internally. Does he even consider how he would still be moving around even when suffering this really bad pain? He's probably just in too much shock and denial to wrap his head around it.

SOBBING SOUNDS Daniel freaking out over this hurts me every time omg I just want to hug him?? He just wants to go home and we all know that at this point, he can't even do that anymore.

BIANCAAAAAAAA What was she even doing?? Unlike Daniel, she had somehow already gotten out, but was just staring at the ground?? Was she confused about something and just lost in thought to the point of completely zoning out till Daniel realized she was there? Maybe she wasn't even there for long. She could have been still processing all of this pain(?) ALSO DANIEL'S REALIZATION THAT HIS NAME WAS SAID MAKES ME SOB I LOVE HIM SM

can Bianca hug me like that??? Please???? I want someone to hug me like that one day I'm gonna beg- SHE'S HECKIEING CRYING AND THAT HURTS A LOT IM QWQ I mean of course she would be?? She saw Daniel die right in front of her. Bianca being so worried yet not even questioning how he isn't just dead already due to the severe blood loss makes me really wonder how much denial they are going through at the moment. Although who would wanna think they died and became a ghost? For people who don't even believe in that stuff, it would be hard to even accept. If you're a ghost, that means you're dead. There's no going back. ALSO THE PUPPET STARES INTO MY SOUL AND IS TERRIFYING- everyone thank bon for giving us another terrifying image

AHAHA N E C C the smol good girl is coming very soon and I'm so excited!! I love her sm,,why is she hiding though?? Did she get scared due to all of the screaming and sounds going on around that she just decided to hide behind this big animatronic that could protect her from the dangers out there?

THANKS FOR CALLING HER OUT CAUSE SHE'S SMALL BIANCA- Well Charlie's design is definitely a lot different than the one in the original! She still looks heckieing red and burned up, but doesn't have that weird mouth like last time.

OH NO OH NO NO NO SAMMY WHAT HAVE U DONE- Charlie is already starting to freak out and that hurts. I love the different reactions we get here because Charlie is just in denial, hoping it is a dream while Daniel doesn't even look like he has proceeded it all fully yet till the next page where he is basically having a complete mental breakdown. I really want to know how Bianca feels about this entire thing too.

THERE IS A LOT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT HERE! For one, it might be one of my favorite pages that really hit me hard to the point of being my emotional mess of a self- I feel as though Bon really portrayed them reacting to being dead rather well? Or at least he did with Daniel and it hit in the feels right enough. Being someone who would die for Daniel, it hurt reading this for the first time because I'm sure we all want to do what Bianca does and just give him a tight hug. Did them freaking out happen in the original? I don't remember actually? from what I remember, Bianca was the one reacting the most to all of it- Bianca just crying over how Daniel is having this mental breakdown really hurt because she wants him to be okay and realizing they aren't would just hurt to the point of actually going and comforting him. I REALLY WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT HOW SHE FEELS WITH THE SITUATION- Was her breaking down because of Daniel being all sad mixed with her just reacting to the entire thing?? It's also shown in Chapter 3, but Bianca is really caring towards Daniel and most of the time wants to make him feel better in certain situations. If she wasn't able to save or even help him before, this is her chance now.

FRANCIS IS CRYING AGAIN I REPEAT FRANCIS IS CRYING-

Like I said before, the difference in reactions towards all of this is great. It's obvious that he was emotional about it too, but instead of having some sort of mental breakdown, he just "accepted" it and tried to figure out what they can do. It's understandable cause what else are they supposed to do when in front of reality??

OMG POOR BOYO!! HOW IS HE EVEN STANDING AIAUFIAKF for a while, I just thought his side got slashed and he bled out, nOT THAT HIS ENTIRE SIDE JUST GOT RIPPED OUT LIKE WOW OK THAT MUST HURT LIKE HELL- honestly Francis feeling really sorry about not being able to save Charlie just hurts sm?? THESE KIDDOS FEEL BAD CAUSE THEY WEREN'T ABLE TO SAVE ONE ANOTHER AND IT JUST HHH 

OH NO NOT THIS AGAIN DAMMIT- At least this time it's not coming out of a mouth of a corpse, but jeez Sammy pls chill- I love how the black substance just goes along with the mouth so it looks like the inside of the Puppet's mouth is just oil or some black liquid. Speaking of that, I also love how the blood is black!! I forgot the reason for that, but it gives them a cool look!

sammy please chill

they don't even know him yet and he's acting like a complete psychopath. If I was logical, I would think he is! Being there for who knows how long would do something to someone! Especially something would could easily be hinted at here through his insanity even when just getting out. 

I don't trust his cute face, but dammit I love him so much already?? Like he was just acting all crazy a pAGE BEFORE, AND NOW HE LOOKS LIKE A SMOL SQUOFT??? It really shows how much he can switch between personalities. I fear for the future after this experience. 

"Oh, you noticed. Heh." UH YEAH OF COURSE?? IT'S A KNIFE IN YOUR CHEST???

ALSO AHAHAHA FRANCIS'S FACE I CAN'T HANDLE IT

Honestly I feel bad for Daniel because all of this stuff is going on and he can't even see anything?? Like if something really bad just suddenly happened, he would have no idea because all he can get from the situation are the reactions from his friends. I wonder how terrifying it would be when there's so much sound around like during the day?? Big hugs for Daniel y'all 

wow possession! That's really cool, bUT WHAT IS GOING ON NOW OH NO- 

OH HECKIEING BEES THAT'S NOT GOOD- Michael's design was heavily changed from last time, but honestly I adore this design sm?? There is a lot less wires so yay he isn't just a bloody mess like last time!! Okay but I wonder if Michael could still take off his head like last time?? Last time, that was shown through some anger from Francis, but this time it's different and that's not shown!! I wonder if it will ever be though.

MICHAEL NO THAT'S NO WHAT A SANE PERSON SAYS- although I mean?? He does have a point! Even though being dead is a huge hit in general and idk how that would even feel, actually being with friends could have a huge impact on the situation. Imagine if only one died and was stuck there? That would have a completely different impact. I don't think Michael should brush off the fact that they are all dead now, but I do understand why he even mentions that. Trying to stay positive, but maybe try a bit differently babey-

The part I feared the most, but actually turned out really good? Around the beginning at least! In this version, Francis has much more of a reason for actively being really upset at Michael especially due to what he just said. Although maybe he should chill a bit because some things he says are really eh?? Michael never meant it like that and Francis is just freaking out and yelling at him, but like I said, he actually has a reason and I can't stay that mad. I would hate this entire thing too, although I would be a lot more emotional than angry 

OKAY THAT'S REALLY OVER THE LINE FRANCIS HOLY HECK-

Charlie has all the rights to be upset at him because him just saying that iS AWFUL?? LIKE DUDE YOU ALL ARE DEAD AND YOU ARE APOLOGIZING FOR SAVING HIM AND SAYING THAT IF YOU HAD KNOWN, YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST LET THE PERSON KILL HIM?? UH- THAT'S NOT NICE AT ALL PLEASE APOLOGIZE

TELL EM SAMMY!

at least in this version, he gets to the point and it isn't just walls of text aHAIDIAOGKS Sammy please don't blame Daniel though?? He's heCKIEING BLIND WHAT THE HECKIE COULD HE EVEN DO?? wAIT OH NO. IF THIS IS A REBOOT THEN SOME SCENE WITH DANIEL AND SAMMY MIGHT BE REDONE HH IM AFRAID IT'S GONNA EITHER BE MORE FEELS RELATED OR JUST MORE CHILL THAN LAST TIME DUE TO THE PACING?? Sadly it’s time for me to go and make the next part thing to take away from this? This chapter is my favorite so far because of all the feels and there is more so get ready for that!! I'll be back with part 2 eventually! Most of us knows what happens there. Will Sammy find Michael? How will he actually help? Find out next time on aaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[ryncorrect]

university!au: day6 jae

following my uni!au with young k (idk how to link my own post asbajdnskmd im Dumb) so here another one with jae lol i think im gonna make one for each one of them buttttttt no promise bc my brain works in a very mysterious way LOL

anyway leggo

warning: this is lame lmaooooo

name: park jaehyung / jae

major: politic science

other activities: guitarist (and sometimes vocalist) of university band, member of music club, founder and leader of LOL SQUAD

everyone knows that tall skinny guitarist of the band i mean he’s hard to ignore tbh

he always wears loose T-shirt, ripped jeans, a cap that he puts backward, and round big specs to campus

professors hate his ripped jeans but can’t really say anything because oh well style doesn’t define someone’s grades and boy, does this kid actually get some braincells in him

well i mean at least he never fails his classes

he has this giant LOLSQUAD badge on his backpack because he’s proud af of his title as the club founder and leader

he actually started that club so he could to brag about his gaming skill to everyone who wanted to listen but he ends up getting his ass handed to him every single time they play together smh

if he’s not in class or hanging out with his game buddies, he can be seen following that Popular Student™ kang younghyun or as jae prefers to call him, “brian” or “brIBRI” because they both joined music club and are in the band

yes yes he’s well known and easy to spot

but…

“jae? park jaehyung?? who???”

everyone refers to him as “that foreigner student”, “the American guy” or “the gamer guy”, or my favorite: “chicken little”

i will never let that joke die im sorry but seriously he looks like chicken when he plays his guitar on the stage don’t @ me

there are only like 5 students in the whole university who know his actual name

anyways in this scenario you’ve always been interested in playing guitar but haven’t gotten a chance to learn and your friend kim wonpil invites you to join music club so you’ll have friends to practice with

“you know our jaehyungie, right? he’s really chill, you’ll get along well with him!!”

deep inside you’re like

who the heck is jaehyung

but wonpil is so excited to have you there so the next week you come to the club meeting

you introduce yourself to everyone and finally you meet him

“ohmygod the chicken little!!”

“whO THE HECK ARE YOU CALLING THAT”

“sorry- i mean the chicken guitarist- wait no-”

he glares at you, you laugh instead

scaring the new member challenge: failed

but yeah you’d seen him performing before and honestly you almost decided to become his fan

a l m o s t

at first he (jokingly) refuses to teach you guitar because you called him chicken little

and since then you keep calling him that just to mess with him

“hi chicken little”

“what’s poppin chicken little”

“why do you look so flustered, chicken little? do i make you nervous??”

he turns red chicken little is now an angry bird “gO AWAY NEWBIE YOU’RE SO ANNOYING”

jae’s a foreigner but he speaks fluent korean

he tells you that even though he was born and grew up in america he always speaks the language with his parents

but of course since he lives abroad there are lots of words or slang he doesn’t know, so you gotta be an ass and slip some difficult words when you speak to him

he gets his revenge by replying to you in english

whenever you two are having an argument (usually over stupid things) everyone in the club suddenly gets headache

wtf they’re not even making any sense

besides music, jae is the most excited when talking about LOL or social topics because well his major

honestly idk much about politic science so cmiimw

one time someone asks for his opinion about social welfare and he ends up starting a sudden debate session with the said person about social welfare programs in south korea and america and the difference between both countries

you mention human rights and he sNAPS

i mean he gives a full 15 mins speech about it

“yknow what im sayin?”

“dude… i honestly don’t get it at all”

because he be speaking in full english like wat

he’s just so passionate about everything it’s almost adorable

a l m o s t

and it’s not only his passion but also his small eyes, his laugh, his voice, or the way he occasionally lifts his head to look at you while playing guitar and you smile and he smiles because you smile first shnshsbshs soft

even the corners of his lips are so cute wow

oh fuck im emo i love him

but you adore him just as a good friend

he’s always been bubbly and friendly with everyone, not just you, so yeah it’s really easy to fall for him but you assure yourself that you’re nOT

are we having “in denial” shit again omg im so uncreative

anyway fast forward it’s ur birthday!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYY

you decide to throw a small party at your place and invite 5 or 6 of your closest friends but damn on the d-day it rains so hard

if ur bday falls on winter then change it to snowing hard, if it’s spring then maybe there’s strong wind or something, whatever suits you fam lol

so no one comes to your party lol you are Sad

BUT THEN!!!! JAE SHOWS UP!!!!!

PARK JAEHYUNG

OUT OF ALL PEOPLE

no you didn’t invite him because idk

are we really that close??? ehhhh he probably won’t come anyway haha why bother

BUT!!!! HE SHOWS UP!!! IN FRONT OF YOUR DOOR!!!

he’s carrying an umbrella but it didn’t really help apparently because he’s soaking wet

imagine that view i mean nvm

“i happened to be near here and i remember it’s your birthday today so i think i’m gonna drop by to say hi and suddenly it’s raining too hard on the way but anyway happy birthday can you let me in first i’m cold”

ofc you let jae in i mean we can’t let the chicken catch the flu amirite

but you warn him that he’ll have to leave before 11 or your RA will kick you both out the dorm lol

after a towel, two cups of hot tea, and one shared piece of chocolate cake, you told him you were supposed to have a small party tonight but no one could make it because of the rain and he’s like “hOW DARE YOU HAVING A PARTY BUT NOT INVITING ME I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL” and you’re just like “lol shut up chicken here eat more cake”

anyways you two spend time joking and talking about random stuff and it’s probably not the best birthday ever but at least you don’t have to spend it alone and to be honest you’re happy that he’s here

then jae pulls out his ultimate weapon

i mean his guitar

he was soaking wet but the guitar is clean and dry and all fine like hoW EVEN

“priorities” -park jaehyung

he said he gonna play a song of your choice because he came empty handed and he feels bad about it

you blush and pick whatever song comes to your mind because you can’t really think of any, and he starts strumming his guitar and sings

and while he keeps looking at you, you find yourself too can’t take your eyes off him

the song ends and you’re about to clap your hands when he suddenly starts another one

wait you’ve never heard this song before

it’s a slow song and the lyrics are all like, the sky turns dark on the birthday of the brightest star so that it’ll be the only light in his world, how he feels regretful that he has nothing to give but his small heart, and he hopes that this lovely person will hold his hand as they listen to this song together, that this lovely person will feel warm beside him

guys just imagine the song okay i can’t Romance

it’s dead silent until you whisper, “is that… a song for me?”

jae’s face turns red and he starts panicking™ like “i made up the lyrics just now okay i know it’s fricking sappy and cheesy as hell okay i just uhhh want to cheer you up!!!! because you seem kinda down!!!!! let’s not talk about this again uGh WhatEvER leT Me LIvE!!!!!”

but you chuckle and thank him, it was the best present you can get from anyone

you two stare at each other for a second that feels like years and he finally breaks the silence, “you know,,, maybe i came here on purpose,,, maybe actually i want to see you,,,”

“and why is it?”

“because i think,,, i miss you,,, kinda”

and you don’t say this out loud but maybe you do know that

even if you say you’ll never

in fact you’ve already fallen for him a bit

or perhaps a lot

like a lot

then he leans in to kiss your lips and you kiss back and it’s almost not awkward at all, it just feels right as if you’ve kissed him million times before

a l m o s t

you two still blush real hard after

but yeah that’s how you two start dating

none of you two tell anyone about it but it’s pretty obvious, i mean jae always picks you up at your dorm, he walks with you to your class or vice versa (if your classes don’t overlap tho), you two keep stealing glances at each others, also—

jae with you: “hey,,,, come here sit with me u3u,,,,, did you have lunch??? oh i wrote a song last night check this out,,,, what are you gonna do this saturday? oml you’re so cute”

jae with everyone else: “HAHAHAHA FUCKING FUCK SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING PRICK ALSO BRIAN FUCKING KANG IF YOU STEAL MY FUCKING FRIES AGAIN I WILL LITERALLY SNAP YOUR FUCKING NECK”

welp actually he’s not always sweet with you, sometimes you two still argue about silly things using mixed languages but now everyone in the club knows better to just run away once it begins

because it’ll end up with you two fighting or you two kissing

yes im nasty and a disappointment bye

btw wonpil is excited af it’s almost like he’s dating you both

“it’s really nice seeing you two finally together!!!!!!! especially because jaehyung really couldn’t shut up about you ever since the first day you joined our music club”

“wait wha-”

“YOU SNAKE THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET FUCK OFF”

I’m so in love with park jaehyung y'all hsnshsbsh aNYWAYS!!! 100 blocks limit has lifted from tumblr app AYEEEEE

[dangan-meme-palace]

Yandere DRV3 Boys

I fucked up the ask but I hope whoever requested this likes it :’)

The girls can be found right here

(Trigger Warnings for the following: Abuse (Emotional and Physical), Kidnapping, Manipulation, Suicide, Self Harm, Eating Disorders, Implied Murder, and Implied Torture)

Rantaro Amami

Probably fell in love with you when you asked him for help with something and thanked him for it by helping him with something he was struggling with

Wants to feel needed 24/7 so he just kinda

Does everything for you

All the time

Whether that means doing your homework, bringing you a lunch, buying you expensive gifts, or just being a shoulder to lean on

God help the people you vent about though

He's basically your personal problem solver so when people are the problem there's only one solution

Doesn't really mind you having friends because they make you happy and that's all he really wants

But again, god help the ones he deems unworthy

Definitely introduces you to his sisters

The amount of attention and devotion he gives to you probably worries his sisters though, and can lead to fights between him and them

They realize he's running himself ragged trying to take care of everything for you but he doesn't see that as a problem

In his mind you're helpless and need his help all the time and since he loves you why wouldn't he try to help :)

Who cares if he's tired, you take priority :))

You have to be careful about trying to get him to take breaks because if he knows what you're doing he'll get huffy

So you have to be like “awww maaaannn I'm super tired, will you cuddle with me for a while?" and hope for the best

Make sure you put in some effort too

He has it in his head that he needs to be doing everything for the both of you so

Make!! Sure!! He!! Rests!!

He'll overwork himself if you don't

He also makes a lot of decisions for you so if Y'all go to a restaurant he's ordering for the both of you

Overall a good boy who I would die for

Kokichi Ouma

Did somebody say mind games?

Probably fell in love with you when you exceeded his predictions multiple times

I imagine he's a lot like Izuru and Junko when it comes to being bored so when you came along his heart just !!!!

Finally, someone who didn't bore him to tears

And that's when things went from bad to worse

Gets really clingy shortly after his obsession starts

Always making excuses to be near you

He just doesn't wanna lose the only person who isn’t absolutely boring, okaaayyy~?

That being said you're not allowed to talk to other people period

He takes it as a personal offense tbh

Wants you to talk to him, pay attention to him and just never look away

Talking to you is something he enjoys immensely btw

Bonus points if you can see through his bullshit

Not gonna lie he's probably gonna threaten you a lot

Don't get him wrong he loves you dearly but

He wants to be the only one you think of

Would kidnap you given the chance

Probably tried to get DICE to kidnap you but since they thought it was a bit much for a “prank" they didn't do it

He screamed and yelled when they didn't 

They're terrified of him at this point but that doesn't matter because he has you!!

Have fun being locked in what used to be DICE HQ

He doesn't actually love you btw

It's just flat out obsession

Try your best to keep him entertained with you

If you don't he's gonna be sorely disappointed in you and you're gonna be horribly disfigured by the end of it

After all, what do you do with toys you don't like anymore?

: )

Kiibo

Probably didn't realize he fell in love until waaaaay later

All he knew was that you were really nice to him and caused him to overheat like a motherfucker

Poor Miu honestly

She's probably the one who told him about his feelings but we all know she gave him more questions than answers

Google: what is a smash and why do I want to do it????

Bless him

He just wants to impress you so he researches fucking everything he can about dating

Also if you like the more robotic aspects of him he asks Miu for hella upgrades

Would straight up do anything for you just so you would keep looking at him

Gets jealous a fair amount but he doesn't know what it is or why he feels it so he just acts pouty

That being said he's kinda indifferent towards your friends for the most part but he doesn't think they deserve you

He's done so much for you to keep looking at him and what have they done? Nothing, that's what.

You trying to leave him would be your downfall

Idk why you would but if you did that's when he fuckin snaps

He's tried so hard and you still won't look his way

Nuh-uh

His thinking does a 180 and now he expects you to do everything you can to make it up to him

If you don't he's gonna get real nasty with you

Not above blackmail and threats at this point

He acts like you owe him everything

Why couldn't you just love him for the jetpack??!?

Shuichi Saihara

S t a l k e r

Fell in love when you were consistently nice to him

Probably sees it as some sort of debt that he can never pay back

Like Rantaro he just wants to make you happy but unlike Rantaro he's doing it from the sidelines

Leaves nice notes in your locker, candy in your desk, and anything he can think to do to make you happy

Doesn't care if you know it's him

He just needs to pay you back for being such a kind person

If you find out it's him he's over the moon

Until you say you want him to stop

W hat???? Why????

He's near tears you fucking monster

When you explain it's just because you feel guilty that he's putting in all this effort he reassures you that it's fine

He would do anything for you after all

Now if you're not a cuntlord like me and you don't want him to keep doing this he's heartbroken

Takes it as a flat-out rejection

And that's when the emotional manipulation rears its ugly head

The worst part is he's not trying to manipulate you he's doing this because he feels like he needs to

And by this I mean he's eating and sleeping less and probably started cutting himself as a sick form of punishment for making you mad at him

You were just too kind to do it yourself so he has to do it

When you find out and tell him to stop again he's sobbing

He just doesn't know what you want him to do any more

You need to be real careful around him at that moment

Reject him and he will lose all faith in himself along with any confidence he ever had

Might kill himself not gonna lie

Choose to accept him and he's listening to everything you say like its gospel

If you want something done it gets done no matter what

Just… try not to abuse your power… he'll make himself sick trying to do everything for you

Overall he's a really big emo and I love him a lot; 10/10 would die for this man

Ryoma Hoshi

Another emo piece of shit

He's a lot like Shuichi except he doesn't stalk you

He just kinda stays at your side

Unless you tell him to go away; then he's stalking you

Fell for you for the same reason Shuichi did except you really had to give it your all

He sees you as his new reason to live and thinks that since you saved his life it's only fair that he spends it trying to make you happy

It's the least he can do

As a bonus, he would totally let you make a whole bunch of short jokes and would genuinely laugh at every one of them lmao

If you tell him to stop hanging around you he is crushed

Starts taking risks like no tomorrow

He smokes 2 packs a day and is right back where he started, if not worse, on the suicidal front

Doesn't even try to make it up to you because he doesn't believe he can

You were his second chance and he blew it

Now he's just stuck in this funk until he eventually just dies

He either kicks the bucket from health problems caused by smoking or doing something stupid like walking into traffic

All he wanted was to make you happy

Kaito “luminary of the stars" Momota

Fell for you when you both were talking about space and you managed to out-nerd him

Wholeheartedly believes he deserves you

Why wouldn't he? After all, he's a fucking astronaut

An astronaut

Who wouldn't want a cool guy like him?

Apparently, you, because when he started flirting with him you shut him down immediately.

Well shit

That's okay! He likes them feisty too!

Tries showing off but nothing's working

Okay, now he's pissed.

Great.

He still keeps trying but on the inside, he's starting to doubt himself

Why isn't THE Kaito Momota good enough for you

Truly snaps for the first time when he finds out you have a boyfriend

Why the Fuck would you pick some loser, who's not even an astronaut, over him: Kaito. Mother. Fucking. Momota.

He's done

Kidnaps you and tortures your boyfriend in front of you

He doesn't even care if you love him as long as your his, you can hate him all you want for all he cares

He might even hate you a little bit back tbh

You're nothing more than a trophy to him right now

Can somebody say yikes?

Gonta Gokuhara

Precious

Too good for this

I can totally see him kidnapping you and keeping you in a giant terrarium though

He would probably fall for you after you weren't afraid of him due to his stature. Also, if you say you like bugs (even just one bug like a butterfly or a ladybug)

After he started obsessing over you he also started killing his entire bug collection

Gonta only collects the prettiest of bugs after all

Why would he need all those ugly bugs when he has the prettiest thing he has ever laid eyes on locked away for his eyes only

Might realize it's wrong to keep you locked up but not before you lose hope of ever getting out and break

Actively tries to get you out of your cage now

Doesn't work though because you barely talk and don't move on your own

:’D

Korekiyo “I will rip out your nerves” Shinguji

Let's get this straight: He doesn't love you.

He's obsessed with you, yeah

But he doesn't love you

He wants to observe your beauty and nothing more

Actually won't kidnap you

Hurray!

He just intensively stalks you

Un-hurray!

It's gotten to the point where he can predict you with ease

He knows your schedule, your hangouts, your friends, and your mother's maiden name

Probably has tea with your mother on the weekends, just saying

He prioritizes watching you above everything, even food and hygiene 

He's getting a little thin… :( your mom is worried about her new friend :(

Doesn't matter because how could he miss you doing laundry!! So exciting!!

The big drawback with this man is that all he does is watch

If you're getting bullied, beat on, made fun of, abused; does not fucking matter

Kukukuku the faces you make while you're in agony are exquisite 

Overall he's not much of a problem unless you don't want to be watched 24/7

….

I still hate him tho

[bakudekuficlibrary]

hey, can i ask for a fics where bakudeku are texting each other? if not, thank you anyway ;*

Here’s a mini-list of the fics I could find with texting/messaging between bakudeku! Because you specified bkdk texting each other, I excluded group chat AUs. AO3 also has parent tags that include variations of the tag, so many fics with sexting tagged instead of texting came up. We decided to separate those from the fics with just the texting (or the texting and sexting) tags.

- Jay

20 Works.

Texting

BNHA Grindr AU No One Asked For by HatakeJory ( E | 70,979+ | 37/50 )

Izuku is a second-year at U.A. and ready for his first relationship so he downloads the gay dating app known as Grindr. He meets pro hero and U.A. graduate Bakugou Katsuki who is looking for a cute boy to spoil, and eventually someone who’s awesome enough to run his Hero Agency with.

Who knows what they’ll find in each other?

[Underage]

I’ll share this with you, so leave it behind by yabakuboi ( G | 3,508 | 1/1 )

For the sake of the story, All Might is never in need of a successor, and, when Izuku saves Katsuki from the sludge monster, encourages young Midoriya down a different path. Thus, Katsuki and Izuku part ways after junior high, as Katsuki enters U.A. and the Midoriyas move overseas. It’s later that Katsuki realizes that there’s something missing, that he drove that something away.

Years after, Katsuki finds him in the last place he looks, in the cereal aisle at the local grocery store of their childhood neighborhood.

[Abandoned] They Say 3 a.m. is the Hour of the Wicked. They Weren’t Wrong, but I Didn’t Expect “Wicked” to Mean This. by Celestial_Hero ( T | 16,085 | 13/? )

Remember the last time you actually slept before 3 in the morning? Neither does Izuku, thanks to the #alwayslit conversations from the hellhole known as the group chat. Where the pizzas are always b o n e l e s s and the shade constant, Izuku wonders what he’s done wrong in his life to deserve the constant salt from the active landfill.

Not Who You Think by SinaBrosLN( E | 6,406+ | 4/? )

Who knew one simple photo of you and your best friend could have your crush messaging you, asking for you to date them! It was too good to be true!

A story where Katsuki thinks Izuku is the cute girl in his profile photo and not the nerdy guy with messy hair.

Smile, Sunshine boy by Abyssale( M | 13,269+ | 4/? )

In another world, in another universe, Midoriya Izuku is born the only child of Toshinori Yagi A.K.A All Might. To protect his little family, he decided to go back to America after a villain attack. In this world, Izuku is not born quirkless, but his quirk can help him to be a superhero. With All Might as his role model, he decided to train, and do what he can to become someone his dad can be proud of.

This story begins some years after this, in California where Midoriya Izuku met U.A. students on a school trip. This is the story of a sunshine boy, who will find friendship, love and other things along the way. It’s the story of a family who can move mountains to protect each other. It’s just another story about the life of Midoriya Izuku.

[Graphic Depictions Of Violence]

Rain by naths( G | 1,335 | 1/1 )

Midoriya woke up to the sound of light rain pattering against the window. Lazily he rolled himself onto his back and rubbed his eyes before he glanced at the clock. 10 am. Bakugou was at work by now. But he had the day off. So he had their apartment all for himself.

He snuggled down into the pillows and pulled the blanket further over him again. If he just stayed a few more moments in bed then that would be fine. He grabbed his phone and checked it for some messages, but the only one he had gotten was from Ochaco and Kacchan.

He opened Kacchan´s first.> Morning Nerd! It´s raining so put on a coat if you go out. Be back around 5 pm. Take care of yourself.Midoriya chuckled to himself and texting a quick reply> Thank you Kacchan, will be. Love you.

I don’t think you care, but do you? by confused_atm( M | 5,577 | 5/? )

Izuku is still scarred from his relationship with Katsuki during their childhood, and maybe they try to fix it. Together.(I’m bad at summaries y'all :’) help idk what I’m doing)!!TRIGGER WARNING!! There is self-harm, but only in like the first chapterThis is rated M bc of ^ and underage drinking uwu

[Self Harm]

Not Worried, but Katsuki’s a Liar by DeathByShyKid( T | 1,781 | 1/1 )

Katsuki tried not to resort to anger, tried to control it, he really did but Izuku was not answering his texts.

He wouldn’t have needed to text him if Izuku had shown up to school like he’s supposed to. By the time he’d already been seated and turned to look at where his boyfriend should have been sitting, Katsuki realized that the brat wasn’t even there. So, he was not worried but definitely shot a text Izuku’s way.

The Domestic Life Of Married Heroes by The_Crafty_Cracker( M | 2,642+ | 2/? )

Izuku smiles at the messages, he adores and loves his friends so very much, of course, he’ll go and help them out-wait!

This was the week that he and Kacchan had specifically placed a holiday in for at their agencies so that they could go out on a few dates and spend some time together without interruption.

But right now his friends need him…

Kacchan would understand, right?

Right?

[Abandoned] the space between by ruche( T | 4,707+ | 1/? )

Deku shifted weight back and forth on his feet. “Is it alright if I text you while you’re away?”

“Hah? You already text me.”

Or: with the gift of technology, Izuku manages to bug Katsuki even when he’s in another city entirely and has more important things to do. But alright.

Don’t Call My Boyfriend A Cuck, You Cuck by mearows( T | 294 | 1/1 )

1 New Message Kacchan’s PA: Good morning, Midoriya-san! Please don’t let Bakugou-san near any social media for today. If possible take away his phone and/or laptop. That’s all, thank you! 

Dear Future Boyfriend by peacheszxcx( G | 2,055+ | 16/? )

Dear Future Boyfriend,You probably don’t know even know me yet, so I guess I have to introduce myself. Hi! I’m Midoriya Izuku, your future boyfriend. I hope I could meet you soon! Love,Izuku

It’s Not A Date! by otaku916( M | 3,672+ | 1/? )

“If he doesn’t attack you the moment you walk through the door his dick is broken.” Ochako interrupted, making Izuku and Iida both choke on their spit.

Or

What happens when you have the emotionally constipated, gruff, socially inept guy ask out the oblivious nervous wreck? An awkward disaster of a date that’s what. Go through the pain of first dates, hormones, and running away from your feelings that comes with going through puberty - all while training to be a hero!

The Only One Who Can Receive His Feelings by dracofides( G | 1,744+ | 1/? )

Izuku gains the courage to text his crush to congratulate him on winning the game because he had nothing to lose, but Katsuki doesn’t take this very well and lashes out, demanding his name and purpose. It leads to Izuku telling him a story. After hearing, Katsuki suddenly feels guilty, so he lets Izuku stick around.

They bond.

….

A BakuDeku Text Story [Encoded like a text message]

“Yeah…” I turned back around and he was waiting for me ( Not Rated | 1,180 | 1/1 )

“Sorry.” I hide my head from his face which was slowly turning into a smile.

“Did you think I’d believe that?” He questioned.

“No.”

“I didn’t, I know you Kacchan.” My heart ached. Was this lie bringing us closer together?

Fuck yeah.

I just nodded, my face red. He’s the only one who can call me that.

Sexting

Swipe Right by Cellaira( E | 9,180 | 2/2 )

Kirishima had another stupid idea, and Katsuki had nothing to lose. Then, he discovered a witty, freckled, attractive stranger, and he had everything to gain.

(Like some damn good sex.)

In other words, the Grindr AU no one asked for but everyone secretly needed.

[On Hiatus] dick pic epistolary by animeboybuttsex( M | 10,113+ | 8/? )

Bakugou Katsuki? Needing FRIENDS? pfft nooooo

OR the original “accidental dick pic from a stranger” fic that there’s at least one of in any fandom

told in mostly texts at first

[ON HIATUS]

[Underage]

How Am I Getting Out of This One? by AniseTokunaga( E | 3,178+ | 2/? )

“There’s something he wants to try– actually, maybe a couple of things, if he’s being honest…”

Izuku fantasizes about Katsuki; a couple of mistakes in the making might make things more interesting, much to Izuku’s embarrassment.

More tags to be added if/when I update.

Claiming Deku by Kyna_Winchester( E | 8,245 | 1/1 )

It’s been two weeks since Izuku last snuck into Katsuki’s dorm room and he’s growing desperate. Can he make it through a day full of classes with his mind unable to focus on how bad he wants Katsuki?

The Selfie Challenge by errant_rivalry ( E | 3,902+ | ½ )

Frustrated by his separation from Katsuki due to incompatible work shifts, Izuku takes Ochako’s advice and downloads a little app called Snip Pic to help improve communication between the duo.

Things, inevitably, get a little out of hand.

[indigomez]

Mini-Series #1

Taglist!:  @drakesfiance @whiny-the-poo-bear @underoos-shield @spidervveb @just4muggles @hollandxvoid @themarauderstheoutsidersandpeggy @twilightparker @ukulele-tea-and-ocean @harryshollands @wronglanemendes @dylshoney

Masterlist!   Submit A Post!   Request!   Permanent Taglist!  Mini-Series Taglist!

A/N: I know this isn’t really Marvel related, I will make another tag list for this particular mini-series for the people who may like the series :) I hope you like it bc. I really want this to be popular because I really like it. The way this story kind of plays out is that I just write a chapter on the spur of the moment, kind of like a request? So one chapter may be hella angst and the other may be like. Hella funny- Idk you’ll get the gist. 

Summary: When a New York kid moves to a small countryside, surfing vibe town. He meets a crazy group of ragtag ragamuffins that work at the local convenience store. 

"God Damnit!"

"Jesus fuck!!" I hissed, throwing my head back in agony as everyone laughed, "You son's of bitches- you know I hate playing UNO!!" I screeched. "Haha- Nah it's just that you suck ass at it. Don't be but hurt." I grunted as I threw a bag of Taki's at Alexander's face.

"Shut up you grease monkey." I seethed as I slammed my cards on the counter, "Aye, ma' don't be calling me no grease monkey. Who went out of his way to fix your car-"

"That wasn't even broken! I just had a flat tire." I yelled over him, he sighed. Holding his hands up in defeat. "I dunno what to tell these broads, they want you to do nothing and everything for them. Jesus. " He hissed, "Bro, this isn't Grease get a grip." Mateo laughed, I glanced at Jullian. Scrunching up my face as I looked over his shoulder. "Whatcha dooin?" I asked, he flinched as he looked up at me. "Uhh, I-I uh. That new kid Sean Mandelli is coming in from New York. So the student council is gonna welcome him-"

"Ughh lame!" I exclaimed as he rolled his eyes. "I wonder what he's like," Charlie stated before slapping his card onto the table. Causing a large uproar from the other boys. "I wonder if he's gonna try and take a job here-"

"Yeah Ellie, why don't the other chicks work here?" Jullian asked, I smiled. Patting his shoulder as the other smirked. Jullian looked around in complete question as he waited for an answer. "Girls don't work in this town smart ass. They don't touch a damn horse if their life depended on it- and don't even get me started on the fake surfer girls in this fucking town. Hell, they wear forever 21 and other bull shit clothing in this small confusing town. Now you tell me why they would want to have this job?"

"W-Well that still doesn't make sense as to why there are only boys and one girl working here-"

"Jubby, please. Just stop worrying about it, it's not bothering you is it?" He nodded his head no as he continued to work, sometimes I thought the same thing. But then again, being stuck with these heathens isn't so bad... But you'd have to slit my throat for me to say that out loud.

Today was a hot Saturday afternoon, Charlie, Me, Jullian, Alexander, and Mateo were the only ones in today because of the others after school activities. But it had me thinking, Sean... Damn another dudes name I don't want to remember, god forbid if he came in here for a damn job. I already have enough testosterone in my life as it is-

"Fuck a spider!" Charlie screamed, everyone jumped up and hopped over the counter. Cursing and crying as they kept a deadeye on the small spider. "Y'all a bunch of straight ass pussies..." I muttered, crossing my arms. "Are you gonna kill it?"

"Me?!" I scoffed, looking back at Charlie as he fanned me over towards the crawling spider. "Yeah be the big girl, miss manager." I rolled my eyes as I walked over towards the spider, cupping it in my hands before walking towards the door. "You go, queen!"

"Yes, bitch! Kill the spider!" Charlie prayed. I rolled my eyes before letting it outside, letting it crawl out of my hands and off to the grass. I walked back inside with a; "Y'all straight wimps."

"No no no. I prefer the term... Uh, cautious. That could have been poisonous. " Mateo smiled, "Guys please, keep this shit up. Because I swear to you. I'm allergic to bullshit!" I walked over towards the counter as everyone walked back to their UNO game.

"Oh, shit- it's the new kid- SHUT THE HELL UP IM ON THE PHONE," Jullian screamed, before answering the phone. "Hi, Sean how's it going?" He slurred, taken aback at his mood switch, Charlie and Mateo laughed quietly while punching each other. "Like a two-faced fucking Gemini," I muttered before grabbing the towel and wiping off the counter. Charlie snapped at Jullian, mouthing to him put him on speaker!

Jullian sighed before putting him on speaker. "So how long is the drive to WoodPine?" Jullian asked. "Uhh, maybe around ten minutes-"

"TEN MINUTES?!" He screamed. "Oh my god- O-Oh my god- That's great! Uh, we'll meet you there-"

"Are you okay Jull-" Jullian ended the call before the poor kid could get a word out. "I-I gotta go, El. Can I please take some-"

"It's coming out of your paycheck." I sighed as I stocked the chips. He whispered a bless you before running and grabbing all of the snacks before running out. I smiled, enjoying the soft silence of the store. Enjoying the silence and being able to hear my own thoughts.

"He sounded scrawny-"

"Damn it Charlie do you ever shut the hell damn up?!" I screamed from the isle, I could hear their laughs as I continued stocking the bags of chips.

[beaubaltsoul]

just got back from seeing endgame. some thoughts below.

DO NOT READ IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE SPOILED, DUH! 

So I feel like I should preface this by saying that I'm not really the type of person  who wants or likes to dwell on the bad parts of movies. If I go to the theater to watch a movie it’s because I'm excited to see it. I WANT to be there, you know?

That being said, as I sit here after having just come back from seeing Avengers Endgame, trying to find the right words for how I feel, all I've got is: sad. *insert helpless/confused shrug gif*

(Edit: I started writing this as soon as I got home from the movie but that has now been many hours ago)

I mean it’s the end of an era I guess, so maybe sadness is just par for the course. Things ending are kind of like small deaths. There’s gonna be a grieving process. But y'all, I just don’t think that’s what it is for me. (At least not completely.)

I like the mcu a lot. I don’t like it unequivocally and unconditionally. I have favorite and not so favorite mcu films. I have favorite and not so favorite characters. We all do. That’s the cool thing about the world of superheroes. There's a whole lot of variety and options.

And overall, I really did like Endgame I think. The fights were intense and thrilling, the funny parts were funny, mostly coming from who you’d expect, and other times coming from a surprising source. The emotionally heavy parts were a mixed bag for me. Some of them made me feel a lot of things. Some of them didn’t make me feel anything. If only because some of them were centered around characters that I have not connected to or cared about in other movies.

But all this so far has just been me giving a kind of vague review of the movie. What I really came here to talk about was how unexpectedly pissed I got about Natasha’s arc in the movie.

I should let you know that I don’t know much about the character of Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow outside of what I've seen in the mcu. And even within the mcu she hasn’t been one of my favorite characters. I've liked her and appreciated her, she just hasn't been my fav, you know?

So anyway, I don't really know how to transition to this smoothly so I'm just gonna outright say it: I'm so fucking pissed they had Nat sacrifice herself on Vormir to get the soul stone. I'm just. SO ANGRY ABOUT IT. It was an absolutely horrible inverse parallel to Thanos killing Gamora to get the soul stone. They made me watch another woman be sacrificed to serve the story. And once again, they gave us that awful prolonged shot of her dead body at the bottom of that cliff just like they did with Gamora.

Like, y'all! what the fuck! I know Natasha willingly chose this for herself and I know that Clint was just as willing to sacrifice himself, and he actively tried to to so and there was a scuffle, but that deosn’t change the fact that it ended up being Natasha. I really desperately hoped that since she sacrificed herself, since the two of them were willing to lose their own lives instead of forfeiting someone else’s, then they’d get the stone and also get to keep their life. I thought maybe the soul stone would reward them for making the selfLESS choice instead of the selfISH one. But she died just like Gamora. And she remained dead. I just really can’t get over it. 

The one woman on the original Avengers team didn’t even get to participate in the final epic showdown and I'm very unexpectedly emotional about it. 

Speaking of the final showdown, everyone’s entrances, all those that got dusted portal-ing in from across the globe to fight Thanos and his army, was definitely one of the well-earned emotional highs of the film.

And I'm sorry but I really need to talk about a few other parts of the movie that irked me.

First of all, I CANNOT BELIEVE that they didn’t let Nebula kill Thanos!! That woman has been trying for soooo long to kill that bastard and they fucking gave that honor to Thor at first, and then Tony at the end. And I get that this is an AVENGERS movie, that those original six would be the focus of the film. And I get that every single protagonist in the film has suffered greatly because of Thanos, but are we not all agreed that Nebula has the most personal stake in this fight against Thanos? That fucker physically and emotionally abused her for most of her life and then killed her sister just as she and Gamora had begun to have a healthy relationship with each other. NEBULA DESERVED TO KILL THANOS. I really thought they would at least give her that.

And lastly, and I recognize that this is my own personal bias since Carol has been one of my favorite characters for many years now, but I had really thought/hoped that Captain Marvel would be more involved. I know the Russo brothers talked a lot about figuring out how to involve her without having her overpower the other heroes, but I think they did a shit job of it. They just crippled her character by sending her back into space to do whatever, while everyone else figured out how to fix the universe. She was left out of most of the movie only to come into the final fight towards the end to take out Thanos’ giant ship that was bombing the battlefield. Like, the Russos only wanted Carol to be powerful when it when it was convenient for them and other than that she was unnecessary. It’s so annoying. And god, they painted her as such a better-than-you lone wolf type of person, I hated it. Like, yes, Carol is a very independent and capable woman, but she’s also absolutely a team player and I don’t think the Russos understand her. Please Marvel, let Carol be written by someone who understands her from now on. And I know that Brie filmed her parts of Endgame BEFORE Captain Marvel had started filming, so that might be part of the characterization problem. But the problem is also just men.

And I guess I was also hoping for her to be more involved because I thought there would be more of a passing the torch feel to the movie. Not just for Carol, but also for Peter and T’challa (and also Valkyrie???) There kind of was for Scott I guess? And there definitely was for Sam. Again, I know this is an AVENGERS movie, so the original group would be the focus, but yeah, just to repeat myself, I did think there would be a sort of group passing of the torch. A bit disappointed that there wasn’t.

We did get short haired Carol which was a blessing. And we also got that really cool part of the final fight where all of the female superheroes teamed up for a hot second. But it really was just a hot second y’all, it could have lasted a little bit longer. ALSO, there was some emotional emptiness to it because NAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE TOO.

Okay, I lied above, this is actually the last thing i'll say. I'm fine with how they ended Cap’s story. Was it a cookie cutter happy ending that we’ve seen countless times before? Yeah kinda, but like I said, I'm cool with it. I am of the opinion that both Steve AND Peggy deserve to get what they want most, and what they want/wanted most was each other. They finally got their dance, and then they got a lifetime together and I'm happy for them. (Side note, old man Steve looked like Joe Biden and it made me uncomfortable. I really hope Chris Evans doesn’t age into a Biden doppelgänger. That would be sad.)

I really don’t know what this post has turned into. It’s mostly just an outlet for me to express my feelings about the movie. I just wanted to say somewhere how incredibly sad I was about Natasha’s story arc, even if I'm still mostly confused about why exactly it impacted me so much. And also to express my disappointment about some other aspects of the movie. And like, I get it, this is a big fucking film in terms of characters involved and that’s a really difficult balance to pull off, but I just feel like where sacrifices were made, they were made to the detriment of some of the female characters. idk. Natasha’s death just really fucked me up y'all.