#but yeah i realize i am still fucking SCARRED by my Culty Friend Group From Five Years Ago

[goldlightsaber]

I'm realizing something here and it's that people will forgive, or not even pay attention to, your awkward moments, your social faux pas, your weirdness, etc. Like, I often look back to a very awkward time in my life and reflect back on what I did "wrong" to make certain people not want to hang out with me anymore, and reject me several times, etc. I feel regret and pain, I feel uncertainty because I don't know which offense, exactly, it was. In my mind I've already taken myself to court several times and have the possible offenses that could've been the last straw at the ready should I see those people again, so I can be ready for the blow of their criticism and be like, "Yes, I know, I'm aware, let me show you how I'm better now. No more awkwardness. I am so good at Social Interaction now, a thing that is normal to want and possible to achieve -"

But then I realized there were other people present in that time in my life that still hold me in a positive regard, that didn't swear off me for my slip ups, etc. And I realize maybe nothing I did was so offensive as to be deserving of being held in a negative regard forever, even though years later, I'm still punishing myself for my awkward moments. Maybe it was whatever the other person had going on. Maybe if they saw me on the street and completely ignored me, I shouldn't take it to mean that I have greatly offended them and am a bad person, but instead consider they were, at best, too panicked for whatever reason, or, at worst, a huge jerk who couldn't be bothered to say "hello."