#but yeah haha anyways enjoy your 4+ years clean

[microwavestim]

every time that one friend posts their iamsober on their story an angel loses its wings

[awfulwriter123]

Babysitting (Rhea Ripley x Reader One-shot)

Hey everyone!! Quick thanks again for all the love and support! You guys are awesome ❤️. This idea hit while spending time with my niece earlier this week. Hope you guys enjoy, criticism, tips, blah blah blah you guys know that whole deal. Happy reading everyone!! ❤️❤️

Warning's: None just pure fluff. S/n = Sister's name, sh/n = sister's husband's name, n/n = niece's name

"Sit Barry!" You told Barry so you could put his and Luna's food bowls down so they can eat, When he finally sat down you put down the food bowl's to which Barry started eating like he hasn't in a week, while Luna just ate slow and calmly unlike her brother.

"I swear your spoiled, the lot of you." You sat down at the kitchen table for a second when you heard your phone ringing, expecting it to be your lovely girlfriend calling to tell you she landed and she should be home soon.

What you didn't expect, was it to be a call from you sister, you couldn't help the confusing smile to break out on your face, that didn't stop you from picking up the phone, could've been a emergency for all you know.

"Hey sis, something wrong?" You asked with slight concern in your voice. "What i can't call my sister and see how she's doing!? haha!" You caught the somewhat nervous laugh at the end of that sentence.

"Is everything okay s/n?" You were now very concerned thinking the worst. "No no no, everything's okay, i just wanted to call and ask a favor, if that's okay?" You breathed a sigh of relief that it was nothing bad, but now you were curious.

"Shoot s/n, what's up?" You heard shuffling on the other line guessing she was moving around or something. "Me and sh/n got some ticket's to a music festival and we wanted to know if you would be okay to watch n/n? mom and dad are going out for their anniversary tonight and you the only other adult who i trust with her honestly."

You let a grin come across your face that would put the grinch to shame, you LOVED your niece and spending time with her was always fantastic, so you didn't even think twice with your answer. "Yeah i can watch her, what time should i expect you guys to come back and get her?" You asked as you got up to tiddy up the house a bit, wasn't messy but you just wanted to be safe.

You heard s/n let out a sigh of relief. "Hopefully we'll be able to get her before midnight, with traffic and stuff its hard to tell. Can i come drop her off say 4:00 or 4:30?"

You looked at the clock 3:34. "Yeah that should be good, see you in a bit sis! Love ya!" "Love ya too, see you in a bit!" You hung up the phone and quickly got to making sure the house was nice and clean for when your niece got here.

~ Time Skip ~

" Hey roadrunner!" You quickly picked up your niece as she ran at you at full speed, it was easy to see why you gave the 2 year old that nickname.

"Hi auntie!!" She practically yelled while repeated kissing your cheek while you were laughing. "Okay! Okay! I get it you love me!" You said and she finally stopped and just put her head in the crook of your neck while giggling.

"Hey y/n!" You looked up to see s/n and her husband looking at you two with smiles on their face's. "Hey guys! How you doing sh/n?" "Im good, just trying to keep track of these two crackhead's" He said as he pointed at your sister and niece, to which he promptly got hit in the arm for by your sister.

"Oh shut up you still love us!" "Damn right!" He replied as he kissed her cheek and you rolled your eyes. "What sis jealous~?" "No, you two are just ridicules with how lovey dovey you are." They both laughed at that.

"Where's rhea at anyway, working?" Your sister asked as your niece picked her head up from your neck. "Rhe rhe!?" She said excitedly looking around. To which all you laughed at her eagerness to see her aunti 'Rhe rhe'

"Auntie Rhe rhe ain't home yet roadrunner, she should be here soon tho." Her face quickly lit up in excitement at that. "Okay we gotta get going, here's a bag of stuff, just some clothes and toy's for her to keep herself occupied, call if you need us or if anything happens alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, go have a good time love bird's i got her!" You laughed to them. They quickly said by to n/n and gave her kisses and waved by as they pulled out of the driveway as you walked back into the house with your niece still in your arm's. "Wanna watch monster's inc?" You've never seen anyone nod their head as fast your niece.

~Time Skip~

You sat on the couch sending a video of n/n running around with Barry and Luna to s/n. You didn't know how a 2 year old could have this much energy.

Now your niece was cuddle up into your side out of breath from running around with the dog's and watched the movie that was coming to a close here soon.

You looked at the clock reading 5:17. Rhea should be home any minute now. You didn't think that rhea would be upset that you said yes to watch your niece without asking her first, she said wwe were giving her some time off cause of how hard she was working lately. So you have a few more days together just the two of you.

Just as that thought left your head, the front door opened . The dogs jumping from their spot on the floor, and Barry barking like a madman. N/n quickly got up from her spot against you on the couch to take a quick peek around the corner to see who it was.

"Hey! Easy Barry, watch the nail's dude. God I need y/n to remind me to cut your nail's tomorrow." "Rhe rhe!!" Your niece quickly ran at rhea, effectively latching herself on to her leg's.

"Hey koala!! What are you doing here?" She asked as she unlatched n/n from her legs to pick her up and hold her. "My sister and sh/n wanted to go to a music festival, they didn't have anyone else to watch her, sorry. She have asked you first." You said sheepishly as you rubbed your arm nervously.

Those nervs all disappeared as rhea planted a quick kiss on your lips. "Hey it's alright, I dont mind watching her, don't worry your pretty little head babe." She smiled at you to which you gave one back.

The nice moment was ruined when you heard a low growl and n/n grabbed her stomach. "Hungry!" She said while pointing at her stomach to which you and rhea both laughed at.

"Let me see what i can make for dinner." You turned to walk to the kitchen, but stopped when rhea lightly grabbed your waist to put her front to your back. "Hey it's alright babe, let's just order pizza." N/n quickly threw her arms up in the air yelling. "PIZZA!!!" You chuckled lightly. "Alright alright, pizza it is." Rhea pumped her fist with a quick and quiet "Yesss!" Then her and n/n high fived.

"I can't even with you two." You shook your head while laughing at them, as you left to get you phone to order. "You still love me babe!" She said to as you walked away. "Keep telling yourself that ripley!" You replied, before you turned the corner to head to the living room all you heard was a. "What!?" From rhea, which caused you to giggle lightly.

~Time Skip~

You threw n/n's shirt she got dirty while eat into the laundry, seriously you did not know how a kid can get so messy while eating pizza. After doing that you walked back into the living room to sit on the chair to which Luna immediately sat at your feet as 'Cars" was playing on the tv.

You looked over to the couch to see rhea laying down with n/n on her chest cuddling into her, to which you smiled and took a quick picture. Rhea heard the click of your phone and turned her head to see your phone pointed at her, to which you took another quick photo.

"That's my new home screen." You said while giggling, to which rhea only smiled while gently shaking her head turning back to the movie. N/n laughing and giggling quietly as the movie played.

~Time Skip~

You didn't know how long you closed your eyes for as you yawned to look at your phone, 9:56. You would think that s/n and sh/n would be on their way here soon.

You turned your head to see rhea and n/n in the same position as you saw them last but this time, they are dead asleep. You quietly adn quickly took a quick photo on your phone and you got up and grab the blanket from the back of the couch to put over them so they were extra warm.

Your phone quietly buzzed in your pocket and you pulled it out to see a text from your sister. S/n: 'Be there in 45 minutes to get her. Hope she was good?' You quickly sent her the pictures you took earlier while replying. Y/n: 'She was great.'

~ Last Time Skip (Sorry for all these) ~

When you heard the car pull into the driveway, you quickly picked up n/n's bag, which you packed up for her, and walked over to where rhea and n/n were sleeping on the couch.

You decided to try and get n/n out rhea's arm's without waking her, as she looked like she need the sleep after working so many days in a row.

As you got n/n out of rhea's grasp you saw her flutter open and look at you take n/n from her arms. "Sorry babe, s/n and sh/n are here to pick her up. I didn't wanna wake you."

She sat up while yawing. "It's okay y/n, here i got her." She quickly took n/n back as she walked towards the front door and quietly opened it and you followed her out and saw s/n standing there smiling.

"Hey rhea, sis. Thank you guys so much for watching her." She gently took n/n from rhea's arms and gave her n/n's bag. When you three heard a whine and look towards n/n.

"Hi momma." She cuddled into her mom's neck. "Hey sweetie. Have good time with auntie rhe rhe and y/n?" She asked while rubbing her back.

N/n let out a quiet 'Mhm' while nodding her head. She looked towards you and rhea and asked in her tired voice. "Can i come over again tomorrow?"

You and rhea both laughed lightly, rhea walked up her and gently rubbed her back while asking. "How about make a next weekend, Okay?" N/n excitedly shook her head yea while s/n laughed lightly.

"That's alright with me lemme talk with sh/n and we'll plan it?" "Sound's good!" You replied with a smile on your face. As they pulled out of the driveway you and rhea waved as they drove off.

You two went back into the house and started heading upstair's to your shared bedroom. "I didn;t know you loved babysitting so much rhe rhe~" You lightly teased her as you changed into your pj's.

"Only for that crazy koala." She replied with a smile on her face as she slid into bed, you not too long after her. "I prefer her nickname to be roadrunner." You said with a grin on your face.

"It is too damn late to get into an argument over her nickname, get some sleep." She told you while pulling you into her chest, and you did not have to be told twice.

You thought it was safe to say, that THE Rhea Ripley, The eradicator, LOVED being a babysitter.

[1d1195]

Not him inviting his friend over😭 A deep clean is always so satisfying! I hope you'll be able to still recharge a bit plus I support hiding for a bit!Oh that sounds pretty good!! And it just makes sense you would be most excited for the veggies and honestly i'm excited for you lol

I think that it’s very easy for most shows to lose their way so I totally get it! Anyways I also LOVED cake boss as a kid!! Buddy was like a GOD in my eyes HAHA

I would CRY if someone said that to me omg that's so sweet😭But yeah i get how seeing your students struggle can be difficult but I guess it is a good thing that she likes you at least! Like that has to mean something lol Though I can only imagine what goes on in her head so hopefully she can out grow constantly being in drama lol 

NOT BANK OF AMERICA HAHA I honestly don't blame her! I have heard many horror stories from that place so in this case I say that’s so valid lol 

Us together in person would just be TOO powerful(i LOVE that for us) !!! which is why the universe put us on opposite sides of the country lol. I seriously try to edit out “unnecessary” details through my responses but I fear in person my train of thought is not linear when I'm comfortable 😭 People have also lost the meaning of a good filler episode and long seasons! I can argue so much how streaming has changed the way people appreciate shows/movies which is crazy!

Sadly I only get one class with a break :( which is CRAZY considering I'm sure the professors don’t enjoy these long ass classes either?! But I don’t think it’s weird at all! I felt good about this decision ultimately because I receive aid from the state and that only lasts for 4 years so it’s a MUST that I need to be done on time! Plus even though it may not seem like it, compared to how i was even a year ago, i am in a better place so I did take some time to think about it lol And I totally get you!! You’re a perfectionist and if you feel like this is how you’ll be in therapy then it would probably feel more like a burden for you. I used to have a similar fear too when I first started therapy when I was younger so you’re not weird for thinking that at all! But the right therapist for you will never make you feel like that trust me! It’s definitely a process and please NEVER FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO STAY WITH ONE OUT OF OBLIGATION! If you have any doubts even after the first session, trust your gut! It’s annoying of course with insurance and all that but it never hurts to try! Oh bestie do I have a surprise for you my therapist is a MAN 😭he’s the first guy therapist i’ve had and I was honestly never wanting one tbh but at the time I was just SO desperate to start therapy again that I caved lol I too hate men most of the time and I lowkey feel uncomfortable sometimes around them but obviously he doesn’t make me feel like that lol I think that he’s definitely helped me a lot and idk it’s been very helpful in this stage of my life lol Hope that if/when you start therapy that you’ll be able to find someone who understands you and sees you for all that you are, which is a lovely person!

YAY TO ONE MORE WEEK!! YOU GOT THIS!! I do understand your frustration though with kids still managing to fail. Even though I'm sure the majority of teachers try to make it as easy as possible while still trying to teach them as much as they can. It also sucks if they don’t communicate if they might be struggling with the content and/or stuff in their personal life so that just doesn’t help. I know that you try your best and really there can be only so much done with the circumstances! I totally get it!  

AWW OMG OUR ANNIVERSARY TOO?! SAM THAT’S SO SWEET OMG 😭😭😭literally that story gave me the courage to ask for my emoji and I will always be so grateful that you let us read your stories!!

Btw i'm gonna have to talk about most part 3 in a different ask bc this is already too long lol-💜 

Haven't had the veggies yet, but the friend is gone THANK GOD. I didn't like him very much (he wasn't creepy or anything, but just not my cup of tea) I like most of my bf's friends. This one has a habit of rubbing people the wrong way.

I jus thought the crazy cakes were so fun! Buddy was hilarious and I loved the family dynamics 😂 reminded me of home 💀

When she's being annoying I think about how she said that to me. She also will come in and yell at younger students when they're acting stupid in class and put them in their place because she's high key terrifying 😭😭 But naturally I bought her a book this weekend so she would do her summer reading. Trying to get her to connect with her studies and shit. I need her to graduate but I'm worried she's going to be on the 6-year track if she doesn't get her shit together 😂😂

I LOVE THAT FOR US TOO!

Bro, there's no WAY your professors enjoy glazed-over faces for three hours. I give my kids breaks after like TWENTY MINUTES hahahaha My attention span is shot after an hour. Ah, nothing like financial aid to push you into an absolute FRENZY of a timeline ugh. It will totally be worth it--I think, I feel that way about my degrees anyway. I tell people all the time I'm glad I grew up poor I wouldn't have been able to afford college. "The hassle was worth the tassel" and all that.

A MAN?! I'm actually really pleased with this fact. I'm sure he's very capable--especially if you've chosen to stick with him. I knew they were capable of empathy 😂

I appreciate all the tips and thoughts! I've heard that before and I actually saw a character on my show trying out different therapists and my cousin also mentioned it to me. So I'm willing to shop around. But YES, I think you described it perfectly! I would def feel like a burden to please someone else in my life but I know you're right--with the right therapist I won't feel that way.

It just feels like my fault. Like I'm not doing enough. But also I don't know how to make them care. That's my issue during the regular school year too. I feel like the students I have a terrifying, growing apathetic nature toward things. Maybe it's just my age but they don't seem to like sports, movies/TV, or ANYTHING. I know I joke, but I'm not exactly old and I have SUCH a hard time relating to them sometimes. I also feel bad for all my coworkers because I'm CONSTANTLY asking for reassurance because I feel so defeated and whatnot. But anyway. I'm excited for the week to be done and then I'll have a chunk of weeks to myself reading and preparing new lessons and shit before the school year starts. It's far to think in advance and I will def miss the $ but I'm strongly considering taking next summer off. 

You are the sweetest! 💕 I'm so glad to share them. I find it so therapeutic to hide behind my screen and let you all read my inner thoughts 😭

hope you have a good week! I imagine you're rapidly approaching finals for your first two classes 😭 best of luck (not that you'll need it!) 💕

xoxo

[tomorrowsdrama]

2020 Year in Thirst Pt. 2

Sometimes, I will watch a drama for the plot/premise/substance and be rewarded with a surprise hottie, and it’s the best feeling ever!  It’s like finding money in your pocket that you didn’t know about.  The following list of dramas can be described as:

Came for the plot, was rewarded with a surprising side of thirst

1. Flower of Evil

Brief Summary: Lee Jun Ki plays Baek Hee Sung and Moon Chae Won plays Cha Ji Won, his wife who is also a detective.  What Ji Won doesn’t know is that her husband, Hee Sung, is actually Hyun Soo, a man on the run from a murder that he did not commit and also a suspected accomplice to a series of murders committed by his father in the past.  Oh yeah, his dad secretly tried to groom him into being his protege/murder partner.  Because of how he was raised, HS believes that he has no emotions and is simply putting on an act as the perfect husband and father.  His “parents” are in on the ruse and are actually the ones who forced him into assuming their comatose son’s identity.  Anyway, of course things from the past start to catch up with HS and his wife is somehow assigned to investigating his old murder case.  She of course feels betrayed, but also conflicted as she discovers her husband is not who he said he was and a prime murder suspect.  Things get even more complicated as the real murderer re-appears with fabulous long hair and tries to frame HS for the murders.  In between all of this are delicious make outs between the couple and at least one instance where they banged so hard, HS was wiped out the next morning.

Surprise Thirst Factor: I checked out this drama fully expecting to drop it because the promos were so misleading and unappealing. But boy was I in for a pleasant surprise!  Not only was the drama super addicting, it also had some nice eye candy in the form of Lee Jun Ki being a completely unrealistic house husband who satisfies in the housework (The man cooks and does the laundry!), childcare, and bedroom and Kim Ji Hoon’s glorious mane of beauty making viewers have a moral crisis over lusting after a homicidal maniac (who turned out to be a real loser without murder daddy around to clean up his mess.  It’s ok, we’ll always have his hair).

Yes, work that hair honey.  It’s the only good thing you’ve got going on for you (the character, not Kim Ji Hoon)

The chemistry between Lee Jun Ki and Moon Chae Won was fire and the make out scenes were soo believable.  Like yes, these two beautiful people are really into being married to each other and understandably want to make out all the time. 

He’s the primary caretaker for their daughter and it’s just *swoons.*  Not all thirst traps come in the form of sexy abs (although I would not mind if he wanted to flash some).

2. Six Flying Dragons

Brief Summary: The story of young Yi Bang Won (who later becomes King Taejong) and the founding of the Joseon Dynasty.  As short as it sounds, that really is an accurate summary of the drama haha.

Surprise Thirst Factor: I started watching this drama because I heard it was a great sageuk and I’m a big fan of Yoo Ah In.  Even though I’m a fan of his acting, Yoo Ah In doesn’t necessarily get my hormones raging so I wasn’t expecting to be so thirsty while watching Six Flying Dragons.  But then.  BUT THEN.  Byun Yo Han showed up in all his scruffy tortured deadly killer glory and my hormones woke up and said hi, hello, who are you, what’s your name, what’s your sign, can I get your number?  The deadlier and more tortured his character got, the sexier he became to me.  Sorry Yoo Ah In, you’ll always be my acting boo, but Byun Yo Han’s got my thirst.  Byun Yo Han looks so good when he's sad and/or covered in blood, it makes me feel like a sadist for thinking that I wouldn’t mind if the drama made his character cry some more.

3. Ever Night S1

Brief Summary: As a child, Ning Que witnessed his entire household get massacred because of a prophecy that the child of Hades will be born from the house and bring about the Eternal Night.  Somehow, he managed to escape and was the lone survivor.  He finds a baby buried in a pile of dead bodies as he’s fleeing and names her Sang Sang.  The two orphans grow up inseparable from each other and do whatever it takes to survive in the harsh, cruel world.  Ning Que earns money by becoming a deadly mercenary and Sang Sang takes care of the household affairs.  At one point, Ning Que becomes a disciple of the powerful Fu Zi and somehow gets entangled in the struggles between the Holy Sect and Demon Sect.  A bunch of beautiful women fall for Ning Que, and the drama tries its hardest to convince us that he has chemistry with and reciprocates the feelings of one of them (i.e. Mo Shan Shan), but anybody who was even half paying attention knows that the only one for Ning Que is Sang Sang.  They are the OTP of all OTPs and take “ride or die” to a whole other level. Oh also, their height difference is the stuff manga dreams are made of. Ning Que is a “good guy” but also not a “good guy” in the sense that he is not above doing whatever it takes to seek revenge and is only out for himself and Sang Sang (and later, his older brothers and sisters from the academy).

Surprise Thirst Factor: Chen Feiyu is an attractive person but I could not in good conscience thirst after him because he was literally born in the year 2000.  It did not help that he was only 18 when he filmed Ever Night and looked every bit his age.  My thirst may have no shame, but it does have its own set of principles and one of those principles is thou shalt not lust after those born in the new millennium!  Luckily for me, Second Brother is played by Dylan Kuo who is a beautiful, elegant, tall man

and Brother Chao is exactly the type of rugged and manly that I am into.  

(you don’t have to be)

who looks better when wet

AHEM. Yeah.

Sixth Brother is also not so bad with his scanty pounding work attire,

4. Novoland: Eagle Flag

Brief Summary:  Asule is the prince of a tribe in the grasslands who is held as a royal guest (i.e. hostage) in the Eastland Empire.  There he meets his two future best friends, Yu Ran, a free spirited princess who is descended from a race of bird people, and Ji Ye, an emo neglected/shunned son of a concubine who is probably the best fighter in the empire.  Ji Ye loves Yu Ran who is a ball of sunshine to his Johnny Raincloud dark emo self.  Yu Ran loves Ji Ye back.  Asule loves both his friends and will do anything to protect them.  The world decides to fuck over best friends Asule, Ji Ye, and Yu Ran for no reason as they try their best to just live a peaceful life away from all the political scheming and fighting.

Surprise Thirst-worthiness: I was completely content with enjoying Eagle Flag purely for its story and substance.  It’s seriously a wonderful, yet heartbreaking drama and the scale of the production is amazing.  No cheap $10 costumes here.  Also, the direction is beautiful/artistic and not the run of mill “let’s shoot it and complete it as fast as we can.”  The two main actors were cute, but not really my type.  Then the drama decided to give Ji Ye the “Sexy Bloody Tormented Killer Makeover” and all of a sudden your girl was rushing to MDL to check Chen Ruo Xuan’s birthday and calculating his age.  I am simple, predictable, and consistent when it comes to my thirst and give a character some scruff, long hair, angst, and some bloodlust and I’m all yours.  I am literally:

Is it wrong that when Ji Ye showed up looking like this ready to kill his mother’s torturer

I thought, yes, can we have him kill another? 

5. Run On

Brief Summary: Im Siwan plays Ki Seon Geom, a national track runner from a rich family who is a bit of an oddball and marches to his own beat.  Although his words can sometimes be construed as rude since he has no filter, they are also completely honest and have no hidden meaning.  He also has his own personal code that he lives by and he will stick to it no matter how negatively it may impact himself.  He meets Oh Mi Joo, a translator with her own strange quirks and sparks fly as Mi Joo is assigned to be his interpreter.  

Surprise Thirst-worthiness: I kind of watched this drama by accident.  I had read about Im Siwan starring in a new drama but nothing I saw from the description or promos for Run On appealed to me.  Nor did it give me any information about what the drama would be about.  Then one day, I just happened to be browsing Netflix for something to play in the  background and decided on Run on since I thought I wouldn’t be that invested.  What a happy accident that turned out to be because I’m so in love with this drama right now.  This is a case where the thirst does not stem from the character’s physical appearance, but from the intensity/charisma the actor brings to the character and the character himself.  Ki Seon Geom is so odd, but so appealing at the same time and Im Siwan is so magnetic in the role.  Prior to Run On, Im Siwan wasn’t really my type physically.  In fact, I always scratched my head whenever people called him handsome in dramas (I know, I know, forgive me).  So color me shocked when I found myself swooning all over Im Siwan in the second episode of Run On.  Now, it’s like I have “Im Siwan is attractive” glasses on and he looks attractive in everything to me.  I want to gobble up all the dramas he’s been in.

[theroguequeenaniki]

Questions 2009 -> 2021

This is from my Facebook. It popped up on my memories page thing. I originally answered this in 2009 when I was 15, it’s now 2021 & and I am 27, so I’m gonna do it again. Leaving the original answers. Original answers will be italicized. Commentary on the original answers in parentheses & crossed out? Lol. (I’m not gonna tag anyone, but, like, I guess if you want to answer these random questions from Facebook 12 years ago, go ahead lol) 

Questions

Can you fill this out without lying? You've been tagged, so now you need to answer all the questions HONESTLY. At the end, choose people to tag. Don't forget to tag me so I can see your answers! To do this, copy this entire message, then go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, delete my answers, and type yours. Easy! Next, tag people that you think may enjoy this (in the right hand corner of the app). Click publish (at the bottom). Have fun! :) 1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? My cup with my Big Red in it The straw to my Kate Spade tumbler to drink my HEB Cola Lol.

2.Where was your profile picture taken? I got it off the internet. it's a random anime girl. My bedroom. 3.Can you play Guitar Hero? Never played it. Probably wouldn't be good at it. Not to good at video games. But I am good at Mario Cart, both 64 and the Wii. plus I'm good at some Sonic games. Still never played it. Idk if I’m any good at Mario Cart or the Sonic games anymore, I haven’t played either in years lol

4.Name someone who made you laugh today? Doctor Who TikTok. My cats.

5.How late did you stay up last night and why? Umm, probably about 10:00 cause it took me forevor to get into bed. Uh..Past 4am. Lol. B/c my sleep schedule is fucked. I was in bed by 3am though, but I was playing games & watching TikToks on my phone. Lol.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? Yes. I'd move to either New York or Sweden. I don’t know. Part of me says yes. But part of me says no..b/c even though Texas has it’s faults (a LOT of them), I cannot imagine living anywhere else long-term..

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? HAHA. Yeah right. I've never even been kissed! Still nope. I have been kissed though. He just didn’t kiss me under the fireworks the one NYE we spent together...

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Um, I think R, but D might also. D is accross Stasney from me and R is a couple blocks down (I don’t talk to these people much anymore & I’m not going to share their names on Tumblr) Uh. I think Maybe Raven? B/c they’re the only one who lives in the same city still. But, Sarah might technically be closer distance wise? Hold on. Ok, yeah, Sarah’s closer, even though she doesn’t live in this city anymore.

9. Do you believe exes can be friends? It all depends on the situation.(I totally stold M's answer but it's true) (I don’t talk to this person anymore & I’m not gonna share their name on Tumblr) I mean, yeah. Two of my best friends are each others exes and they’re still friends. I haven’t stayed friend with my ex, but, uh, he ghosted me so? Lol.

10. How do you feel about Dr. Pepper? I love it. I still love it. Lol.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard? I can't remember. I don't think it was that long ago, I had a light cry on Saturday, but I don't remember the last time I cried really hard. When we got back from our trip in July. Had a full on breakdown that night. Overheated all weekend. Overwhelmed. Anxiety. It was not a very good vacation..I cry a lot though.

12. Who took your profile picture? I got it off of google. I did. 

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? Umm, either myself, or one of my family members. Aside from myself. I think my dad, on his phone, b/c there was a cicada on his shoulder and he wanted to ask the family group chat if he could keep it. Lol. I take a LOT of pictures of cats though. Lol.

14. Was yesterday better than today? Hail yes! To much drama today! And I couldn't avoid it cause I was in the middle of it! (Oof, what drama was 15 yo Linda dealing with that she couldn’t avoid? Lol. I mean, I guess, Sophomore year was a bit full of drama lol) Anyway, I mean, they were pretty much the same. One wasn’t better than the other. One wasn’t worse than the other.

15. Can you live a day without TV? yeah. Now Music there is something I can't live without! Yep, Do it almost everyday. Sentiments about music remain the same. Lol.

16. Are you upset about anything? Yes. I'm annoyed about something and it's making me upset. (I assume this has something to do with the the drama mentioned earlier lol) Always. Anxiety & depression are a bitch. My rooms a mess & I can’t get myself to clean it. My shelves are still a mess.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? yeah. though i havent really had one yet. I mean, yeah. Even though I haven’t had one last, aside from friendships, but they’re worth it. 

18. Are you a bad influence? I hope not. If so, let me know.(again I took M's answer but it's true) Probably. Idk. Lol.

19. Night out or night in? Depends on what's going on and how I feel about it. Night in usually. I do like going out sometimes, but, like, to dinner. Maybe a movie or a show. But, you know, we’ve been in a panini press, the only thing I’ve been comfortable doing is going to dinner (fully vaxxed & masked). But I also prefer staying home anyway. (Like I usually just go to dinner with my family lol)

20. What items could you not go without during the day? my computer. my book. my journal and a pen. My phone. My journal (b/c I write in it every night, as a diary, 14yo Linda wrote stories). Uh. I didn’t take food or drinks into account in the og, so I won’t in those. But, yeah. My phone & journal. I can go a day without my laptop if I need to. (Went the whole trip in July without pulling it out, though maybe that’s not a good example since my anxiety on that trip was so high..) I want to say a book, but I’ve been in a massive reading slump so...I wish I read as much as 15yo Linda did..

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I don't remember. I think it was myself.(if you want to know, ask me in person) I honestly don’t know. I don’t remember the last time I was in a hospital. 

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? "Mrbobbybones:  wish ted would finally meet their mother already. geez. get to it. However, I see myself in that character more and more each episode." yeah. That's what it says. It's from Twitter. (Huh? and I can’t even go check b/c my inbox doesn’t go back to 2009 on Twitter?? (I haven’t had my account that long) Wait wait wait just remembered I used to get tweets to my phone as text messages lol)

Facebook messenger: “ Cool” From our group chat. Lol.

From actual text messages on my phone: “ heeey! Just put up the Tuesday PDS just for you  it’s a big one.” From Phillip Defranco’s text line Lol.

23. How do you feel about your life right now? I'm loving and hating it. but hey nobody gets out alive right? Uh..I mean. I’m alive. I have WiFi. Food. Family. I haven’t seen my friends in 2 years. (Minus Alex, b/c they were here in July to cat/house sit, but I saw them for like, one night..) There’s a lot that could be better. A lot that could be worse. 

24. Do you hate anyone? yes!!! Oof. I mean, kinda.

25. If we were to look in your Facebook Inbox, what would we find? some random conversations. most of my convos on her though have been in chat or through comments. Facebook Inbox is now Facebook Messenger. So you’ll find all my Facebook Messenger convos. Mostly our group chat. And side group chats for secret planning (birthdays & stuff). Plus other chats? Lol.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? I better! (excuse me miss 15yo Linda you absolutely could have passed a drug test you ALSO didn’t drink or smoke or take any drugs lol) Yeah. Absolutely. I don’t drink or smoke or take any drugs so, yeah? Lol.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? 

Yes. But I can't remember when... Yeah. Pretty sure. 

28. What song is stuck in your head? Gee by SNSD(Girls Generation) They're Korean. A few My Chemical Romance songs

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? EDWARD CULLEN! Joke! lol. No I don't know. If it was Edward, I'd call the cops. whoever it is though better have an explaination or they are gonna get hit in the head with my Book of Shadows. (Maybe I wouldn’t mind Edward at my window though? Lol.) Uh. My friends? Lol. Idk if I want anyone knocking on my window at 2am.

30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50? I don't know....... Uh. No? Idk. Most likely not gonna happen. 

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? I can't think of anything right now... Eat. Should probably clean my room.

32. Do you think too much or too little? Way to much! lol. Way way way too much

33. Do you smile a lot? i try to. I think I do. I get told that alot in Theater...

I think so

[fishylife]

Thoughts on Street Dance of China 4 episode 2

(Aka Fishy is screencapping shows again. I’m screencapping straight from Youtube so sorry for the shoddy cut off screencaps but blame Youtube for having their player bar cover the video. I’ve never understood that because it’s always in the way.)

(Also Episode 2 part 1 is really just “How many times can Han Geng and Henry hug” and the answer is “as many times as they want”)

- Not really sure why Henry chose Anissa and Tuzi for the 2 vs. 2 battle, especially since Anissa was really not confident about it :( I felt really bad for Anissa because she seemed super nervous!!!!! I just hope that she doesn’t lose enthusiasm and that she can continue to enjoy the rest of the competition v.v

- Kelo and Uwa were extremely impressive though. Like, the way they move together is so awesome and cool.

- Among the dancers, Xiao Jie is actually really good at speaking. No wonder he gets interviewed a lot, because he’s able to describe the dancers to us layfolk, but he is also very smiley and entertaining.

- How dare Yixing be this cute 😤😤😤 He’s definitely far more relaxed when he’s just a spectator, that’s for sure. He was laughing at all the jokes and awkward moments and generally so much more animated when just part of the sidelines.

- Henry covering his mouth because he was enjoying Xiaohai’s performance was pretty cute too, not gonna lie.

- I liked San’er from episode 1, so I was cheering for him when he participated in the 3 vs. 3 battle lol. But it was really interesting to hear the conversation when Wang Yibo asked his team why San’er lost the battle. Ye Yin and Liangliang told him that to the judges who are old school, they care less for explosiveness, and more for actual skill, and while San’er’s performance might’ve looked really exciting to the average viewer, that’s not what the old school judges look for.

- So apparently Lil Kev plays a lot of mind games, and we saw that during his battle against Bozi. So he’s like...the Brad Marchand of breaking lol.

- Are...are we gonna comment on this hug between Poppin’C and Xiaohai? Lmao

- What are they being so cute for. (Also don’t @ me but Bunta is....really cute)

- Is it just me, or did we get fewer behind-the-scenes practice clips this time for Han Geng vs. Henry compared to Yixing vs. Yibo? Particularly for the 5 vs. 5 battle.

- Dimple alert. (Sorry I know this is a Han Geng vs. Henry battle but Yixing just looks so freaking cute today)

- Han Geng.....has a really soft and gentle voice (it is simping hours up in the fishy house okay). He speaks particularly quietly during his one-person interviews and his voice is so pleasant to listen to in those clips.

- Henry was talking about how he wanted to do that move with Poppin’C where they’d lean back on each other’s knees and do a wave with their arms. For some reason that move struck me as something that was very Henry like. He just strikes me as the kind of guy who uses a lot of waves and smooth-looking moves in his dances.

- Also lol @ Henry being “non fatigue!” That Ontario French curriculum at work.

- Han Geng and Henry trash talking each other except it just turns into a walk down memory lane about how Han Geng used to take care of Henry.

- Don’t even act surprised, y’all knew I was going to screenshot this.

- Kitty is amused.

- Of course Han Geng would end his routine with a big ol’ hug. What a huge softie.

- I did think that Han Geng and Xiaohai were kind of a rough duo because even if they were in sync, it was hard to tell because of the height difference. Actually, I spent a lot more time focusing on Han Geng, especially towards the end when the rest of the team crowded around them and he was visibly one of the taller ones.

- Henry’s move where he stood on Poppin’C’s thighs was super cool!! His performance was just super fun to watch. I felt like I was having a good time along with them haha.

- Please sir, may I have more hugs?

- I think Han Geng and Xiaohai’s second performance was better because it relied less on being in sync performing the same actions. However, at this point, Poppin’C and Henry have kind of created a specific brand (TM) for themselves, like they are so uniquely charming to watch, so they have firmly won me over Han Geng and Xiaohai’s team.

- Running into a hug? Are you kidding me, Lau Hin-wah???

- More

- Not only is this show cashing in on the Suju/Suju M fans, it is definitely going to pull in new fans with the Han Geng/Henry ship lol.

- Yixing spinning to get up.

- It is just so goddamn natural for them to be so close to each other. Also Han Geng said that his waist is feeling iffy from that popping ^^;; Old man joints

- Lifting Han Geng’s shirt to look at his patch...

- One of the dancers on Han Geng’s team was crying because he made a mistake in the 5 vs. 5 battle and Han Geng is like why are you crying? And gave him a playful slap on the shoulder.

- Why is that the ads done by the dancer contestants are so much more entertaining than the professional ads (the ads with mainstream celebrities or with professional actors).

- Henry’s written the pinyin on top of the Chinese names of his team members. Better safe than sorry, you know?

- Lmao how dare they bully Tengzai and Shitou by making them talk XD

- I think that when Henry assigns his team members to certain battles, he is thinking more about the combination of styles, rather than the skill level or  synchronization. When he assigned Anissa and Tuzi to the 2 vs. 2 battle, he wanted to try out the East vs. West approach, but the opposing duo of Kelo and Uwa had a lot more history together and were obviously better as a collective unit. When it came to Chen Mo and Waiwai, he was interested in seeing a waacking duo. In theory I think I know what Henry was trying to imagine, but I think it is difficult to have a really intense waacking duo because it’d be hard to synchronize very high speed arm movements. In the end, they went with some moves that were simpler, and I think that’s why they lost out to Tengzai and Shitou. That being said, Henry did win his first battle against Han Geng. I think it’s just the 2 vs 2 battles that are his weakness. The 3 vs. 3 battles are really just individual battles, and the 5 vs. 5 battles are usually made up of dancers who are used to routine group dances as opposed to solo or duo dancers.

- A quick word about the judge Icee. His name in Chinese is 王冰冰. The 冰冰 part is self explanatory enough (冰 means ice), so where does the 王 come from? I read somewhere (I forgot where), but apparently his wife’s surname is 王, so he just took on her surname for his Chinese name. Don’t know how true that is, but I think that’s cute.

- So often I see Bunta and Ibuki having fun and cheering on other people, whether it’s their own team members or dancers on other teams.

- Less than a second flashback of Zitao from a previous season v.v Please producers...let us have a LayTao reunion....please....I beg....

- The 5 vs. 5 battle between Yixing and Henry’s teams was pretty fun to watch, probably because the song was so hype lol.

- The leader battles between Yixing and Henry were really entertaining too though.

- The first piece of music for Henry and Yixing’s leader battles was very very cool. Like, it was just a nice piece of music to listen to, and I think that the kind of music it was gave way to rather creative interpretations. Henry and Han Yu went for a more story-based approach, whereas Yixing and MT Pop focused more on an aesthetic. I preferred Yixing and MT Pop’s performance here.

- Henry and Han Yu also had a pretty solid performance for the second song. As for Mingming and Gumball, they didn’t really perform “together,” because they were both doing their own thing, but their individual performances were interesting. (Also let us acknowledge, nothing gets Yixing turnt like KRUMP XD He was so into the performance haha)

- I was so caught up in the euphoria of Henry/Han Geng that I forgot that Henry and Yixing also had a past history, but I think their friendship probably mostly existed off screen. They were from different groups after all, but we also know how low key Yixing has always been. Even if they were bffs we never would’ve known. I also remember on Back to Field, Yixing said that Henry helped him install and set up his music software, so they probably have some kind of rapport on the music side. But yeah, it just seemed like Yixing was rather formal about it all, calling Henry his 哥哥/前輩. And Henry seemed to look at Yixing like his son lol. He was like oh look at Yixing and how far he’s come, etc.

- Xiao Jie said that he’d battled Hilty & Bosch 14 years ago, which means that Xiao Jie isn’t that young, which may be why he’s so chill lmao. Anyway, Xiao Jie is a very entertaining dancer to watch, and he worked well with Shen Zihao. But of course, HB are formidable themselves as well and their chemistry is just too too good. And they’re just incredibly clean dancers.

- Yibo went over to Han Geng to scope out who he was going to send out for their battle. Xiao Jie tried to warn Han Geng about this but he was too late and Yibo already made his attack. But the entire interaction between Yibo and Han Geng was so lols because it was so strange lmao. Yibo was straight up like “who are you going to send out during the battle?” And Han Geng kept thinking that Yibo was trying to play mind games and use that to gleam other information from him. So Han Geng’s answer ended up being really confusing too, he was like “if that’s what you’ve decided I’ll follow your lead.” The thing about Han Geng is that he is too senior for Yibo to clown on, so he is actually being serious, and Han Geng is trying to keep things light haha. (I think Yibo would totally be his normal gremlin self to Yixing and Henry, but Han Geng is like the next tier up from them both.)

- LMAO Aki-san calling out Tony-san for being older than him XD And Tony Gogo was like what have I ever done to you??? I love Aki-san hahahaha.

- Okay Aki-san vs. Nelson was pretty awesome, but SO WAS BORIS vs. ZYKO???? Holy crap that was sooo much fun to watch because like....human bodies can bend that way? And Boris and Zyko aren’t small guys, so it was insanely awesome to watch.

- Side note, Boris’ Mandarin is pretty good. I looked him up and on his Instagram he says he lives in Shanghai, so it makes sense that his Chinese is good enough for everyday communication. In one part of the show he was instruction Yibo on dancing and like, he was not stuttering at all.

- Wait, Han Geng says that he’s known Yibo for 10 years :o So I just looked him up and it turns out Han Geng has been with Yuehua Entertainment since 2010, so I think the math makes sense. Wow, how time flies. He always such a dad though, he’s always like, the top priority is fun and happiness!!! And honestly, he’s right. Like, what is this show if not just a huge dance showcase more than an actual competition?

- Physically impossible for Han Geng not to hug his didis.

- I love that in a dance party full of dancers, some will still choose to slow dance like this.

- Of course Henry will come and praise his gege. (ft. Nelson in the right lol)

- Yo I love Rochka. He’s one of the chillest guys there.

- The kids’ performance was cute :3 Their little jumpsuits uwu

- Also one of the kids was Shitou’s daughter and it was absolutely hilarious how he still introduces her in the most monotonous and neutral voice and he was like “please give her some encouragement” in the most low energy voice ever XD The b-boying kids were super legit though. Oh and apparently Xiao Jie’s son was one of the dancers too :3 Somebody was like “yo Xiao Jie isn’t that your son?” and he was like “lol yeah.” XD Aren’t they cute?

[idontmeantosoundrudebut]

This is Home (stupid Eretlout oneshot)

Oh hello it is currently 4 am and I've just finished this impulse one-shot about Modern Eretlout haha lol bruh! It's set in Britain by the way, because I'm British and I love my British culture lol! This hasn't been edited by the way so... yeah, it's really bad in my opinion but I need to post some writing because yeah! I'm actually currently working on a long Eretlout fic but I have no idea when/if it'll be finished so haha lol bruh awkward! Oh yeah, warning of abuse and past child abuse and only slightly steamy content, really its just making out and all that!!! haha lol bruh enjoy

=============================================================

Blood fills his mouth. It drips from his chin, pours from his head, spills from his nostrils.

He opens his red-speckled fist and a tooth lies in the scarlet pool gathered in his palm, it almost looks like gold beneath the glow of the streetlamp that slants into his car. His upper jaw throbs from where he'd yanked out the already loose tooth and he can make out the rivulets of gum-flesh still clinging onto the roots. He stares at it with an unbothered and tired expression.

"Couldn't even punch my tooth outright," He mumbles to himself, opening the glove box and chucking the tooth inside, "Had to yank it out myself,"

It makes a high-pitched clanging sound as it bounces off a half-finished bottle of Captain Morgan and then, silently, it disappears behind the several cigarette cartons that lay piled unceremoniously within (Marlboro Reds, Marlboro Golds, Caramel Blues, Regal Kingsizes, even the odd Mayfair for when he gets desperately low). He reaches a hand inside and rummages through the collection, most of them are empty at this point, he needs to restock and clean out his car, it's been a solid few months since he did that. He shakes a Caramel carton, empty. Another Caramel? Empty. Marlboro Red? Empty. Regal? Ah, lucky day, only half-empty.

A great sigh forces its way through his clogged nostrils and, with the abruptness of a cut artery, blood spatters all over his shirt and along his forearms. His hand freezes mid-air, fingers tight around the bending carton as he blinks slowly, anger simmering beneath his skin because really? Really?! He looks down at his shirt, it was ruined anyway. He'll never get the red out that white, looks like someone's just slit his throat from all the blood that's been pouring down his neck. That table-corner got him good in the head and cut a deep gash just above his eyebrow, the entire right side of his face is crimson with blood and it shimmers in the flickering lamplight.

He bites into the end of the cigarette and lights it with a silver zippo, the flame casting writhing shadows across his blood-spattered hand. The first drag is the best, the first hit to the back of his throat, the first exhale of smoke. Each heartbeat hurts a little less with a little more smoke, a little more tar, a little more death in his lungs.

Snotlout starts the car and drives away. He watches his childhood home disappear around the corner and it feels like goodbye. He can't kind it in himself to be sad about it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He parks outside of Eret's house on the edge of the path, walking up to the red door with a tidy black seven nailed on it.

"Oh Snotlout, love, you alright?" Comes a familiar voice and he looks over to see Chantel from next door, wrapped in her dressing gown with a black bin bag clutched in her hands.

Eret's house is tucked in the centre of a row of brick houses, it's the kind of street where everyone knows everyone and everyone knows everything, whether you like it or not. In the last year, Snotlout has gotten to know a lot of people (and a lot of rumours) who live along this here street.

"I'm alright, Chan," He says honestly (because he is alright, it's just a bit of blood and few bruises) and stamps the butt-end of his fifth cigarette in thirty minutes into the cracked path.

"You 'aven't been fighten' again, 'ave you? With those Trapper boys?" Chantel asks severely, a mother of four, she's very intuned to her maternal instincts and even the slightest sign of distress has them flaring up, "It better not be with those Grimborn brothers! I'm telllen' you Snotlout, those two are shady bastards and its best to stay clear of 'em-"

Snotlout lights another smoke, this one from a full carton of Marlboro Red, and spits blood and phlegm onto the grass, tongue prodding the empty socket in his jaw.

"I haven't been fighting, Chan, promise," He reassures her, and that's also true because he didn't fight back at all, it was more of a beat down, "Just a disagreement with my old man, you know how it is,"

Chantel's back straightens like she's been in the army her whole life and she crosses her arms over her chest, red hair wet and shining like blood in the moonlight. Only four of the streetlamps work and they're further down the road, so the road and paths are alight only from the horseshoe moon that hovers amongst the star-filled sky, the black-asphalt gleaming silver. They've been complaints to the council to get them all fixed, but they won't do anything, they never do, they just leave the poor to rot.

She looks like she's about to say something about it, but he shakes his head at her. Instead of telling him to call the police, she says;

"You're bleedin' like a stuck pig all over the place, Lout, people'll gonna be thinkin' that Jack the Ripper is back from the fuckin' dead," He laughs at that and he offers a straight to her, as a thanks for not making a big fuss over finding him bloodied like a murdered boy in the middle of the night, but she shakes her head.

"You're grand, love, I got a pouch this mornin', save 'em for desperate times," Chantel looks him up and down, black eyes near white in the moonlight, "You look like you're in one now,"

Snotlout agrees with her. He waves a hand to bid her goodnight and goes inside. He closes and he turns on the hallway light. The marrow-deep tension in his bones slips away, causing a breath that comes from the very bottom of his tar-clogged lungs to fall from his lips, and his hurting heart finally stops beating against his ribs like a jackhammer as he leans against the front door.

He's safe, he's home. Because this small, shoddy house with its water-stained ceilings and peeling wallpaper and creaking floorboards is home. It's simple and a little broken, but it's home.

"Snotlout?" Eret calls from upstairs, he can see the bedroom light glow up the hallway at the top of the stairs, "That you?"

"Yeah," He takes a generous drag, then exhales slowly, "It's me, sorry I'm late... Went to see my dad, after work,"

Footsteps ring across the house and Eret appears at the top of the stairs, dressed in nothing but a ratty pair of grey jogging bottoms, his terribly handsome torso bare for Snotlout and Snotlout alone to see. He grins proudly around his cigarette at the sight of those hard abbs, those firm pecs, those faint scars, those old gang tattoos. Oh, what a handsome devil he is and Snotlout caught him all on his own.

"Fuckin' Hell, Snotlout!" Eret comes charging down the stairs like a mad horse and Snotlout barely blinks when he comes over to him, large hands gracing over his oozing temple and along his bruising jaw. The touch is very much welcomed.

"What happened? Were you jumped?"

"No, I wasn't fucking jumped-"

"You've lost a tooth!"

"It's in the car, in the glove box, I'll get Gobber to stick it back on,"

"I don't think that's how it works, darlin',"

Eret drags him into the living and posts him on the black vinyl couch. Hookfang, his German Shepherd, immediately bounds over to him and rests his snout on top of Snotlout's knees, wet nose twitching and throat moving with unfurling whines and whimpers. He pets him affectionally between his ears, humming lowly to Hookfang to help ease the old war-vet. Eret goes to snatch the half-smoked cigarette from his fingers, but Snotlout's reflexes are too fast.

"Hey! I'm not done, asshole,"

"Not smokin' in the house is your rule, not mine, I'm just helpin' you out,"

"Fuck that rule, just for tonight, fuck it,"

With a rich laugh, Eret saunters into the kitchen to get the med-kit. But Snotlout saw the concern and anxiety in those dark, earthy eyes and he heard it too in that laugh, it was a little shaky at the end. Hookfang barks at him.

"Easy Hookfang, I'm okay," He barks again, louder, black eyes glistening with fear, "I know pal, there's a lot of blood, but it's okay, I'm okay, soldier," He ruffles the War-dog's neck lovingly, trying to ease Hookfang's unnerved mood and distract him from the blood. It probably brings back bad memories for him.

Eret comes back with the med-kit tucked beneath his armpit and a large bowl of water cradled in his hands. He set it on the coffee table and politely nudges Hookfang out of the way, the Shepherd in turn leaps onto the couch and curls dutifully at Snotlout's side. Such a loyal friend, Snotlout doesn't deserve something as honourable as Hookfang's fidelity.

"Look like a stuck pig," Eret whisper, running a wet dishtowel along the drying river of blood that pours down his face and throat.

"Ha, Chantel said the exact same thing," He chuckles lowly, watching rivulets of watery blood travel down Eret's powerful forearms as he sponges at the blood along his cheek.

"Chantel?" He queries, eyes briefly flickering to meet his.

"Yeah, caught outside just as I was coming in," Snotlout closes his eyes as he lifts his chin so Eret can easily swipe the already stained towel down his throat. It leaves a funny tightness in his gut and a nice shiver ghosts up his spine at the vulnerable display.

"Well, expect the whole street to know by lunchtime tomorrow," Eret replies, then adds, "I mean, I love Chantel to pieces, but by God, she gossips like there is no tomorrow,"

Snotlout nods in agreement, smoking his cigarette and tapping the ash into an ashtray that's always kept on the coffee table, despite his own rule of no smoking in the house. But he's never been good at keeping to the rules, even his own ones. Eret wipes away the twin-tracks of maroon streaking from his nose and begins to wrap the gash above his eyebrow up.

"We'll go to the doctor tomorrow mornin', yeah? Think you might need stitches,"

"Cool," Is his reply, tired and uninterested.

All the blood is finally cleared from his skin. The towel is scarlet. The bowl on the table is no longer a bowl of water, but a bowl of blood. A swathe of bandages is wrapped around his head like a bandana, but there hasn't been any bleed through for a few minutes so Eret looks satisfied (and rather proud) at his nursing work.

After a moment, Snotlout flicks his finished fag into the ashtray and stares into Eret's dark eyes; he's very tired.

"Thanks for patching me up, babe," Snotlout says quietly, not because he doesn't mean it but because he is full of such a sudden exhaustion that it feels well overdue. His head, his brain, needs a good rest or else he's going to start screaming.

"No problem," Eret soothes his large hands up and down Snotlout's thighs, "Now, are you going to tell me what happened?"

Snotlout sighs, big and heavy, hand settling on the nape of Hookfang's neck and running through the dense fur. His heart shudders, his lung quiver, his blood boils, his body doesn't like any of this. Just get it over with, as he did with his dad.

"I told my dad about us. About me... you know, liking guys and all-"

"And he did this to you?" Eret's voice goes low, like a growl of an animal with its teeth bared. Snotlout would be lying if he said it didn't turn him on a bit. Thick fingers curl protectively around his thighs.

"Eret, don't get yourself all riled up about it, okay? It's done. I knew he'd react like this, it's not the first time he's punched me around and called me a faggot, just this time, he actually had a reason to call me one,"

"Yeah, well, it may not have been his first time but it sure as fuck is his last, do you understand?" Eret snarls vehemently, hands moving from his thighs to his hips and sides, Snotlout doesn't even flinch when he accidentally brushes against a forming bruise, "You are never going near him again, Lout, I won't let you be hurt by scum like that,"

Eret's eyes burn. Dark soil and spitting embers in furrowed sockets. The firm frown on his face and the clenching muscles in his jaw, grinding teeth that thirst for a hating man's blood. It's making Snotlout's throat go dry.

"You're hot when you're angry, have I told you that before?" He says lowly and Eret looks at him, vengefulness fading as he takes note of the wanton look in those pale eyes.

"You may have mentioned it once or twice,"

They breathe on each other's lips, tempting, waiting for the first one to move. Hookfang books it upstairs, sensing the heady change in the air.

Eret pushes Snotlout back onto the couch and crawls carefully over him, their lips immediately locking in a wet and obscene kiss that stretches on and on forever. Snotlout moans as Eret forces his tongue down his throat, golden hands skimming beneath his shirt and touching the tender flesh beneath in a skilled and teasing way that drives him mad. They make out for a while, dominating each other's mouths with vigour and gusto till their breathless and sweating.

The bloodied shirt is pulled over his head and Eret stills above him when he sees the black and blue bruises that bloom along his ribs and chest and stomach, even Snotlout gazes at them with morbid curiously. Fuck, his dad got him more than he realised. Not that it matters.

"I'll kill him, Snotlout, I'll kill him," Eret promises in a snarling growl and Snotlout wraps his arms around his shoulders, drawing him down so he can mumble against his lips;

"I know, but fuck me first,"

Of course, Eret complies.

Later, tangled in a mass of sweaty limbs and exhausted desires, Snotlout knows that he'll be okay. With his head on Eret's chest, he closes his eyes and sleeps because he's home, home has always been in those dark eyes, in those large hands, in those warm arms. Home has always been here.

Eret, a wanderer for most of his life, a lost man at sea who was bound for dirty work, has finally found a place to set loose his anchor. Snotlout is home, is the harbour he'll always be homebound to. He'll protect his Snotlout because who is he but a wanderer without his home.

[paintedlight]

Supernatural Season 15 & Sufjan Stevens' “The Ascension”

Teaser: there’s a song on this album called "Die Happy” where the lyrics are just “I want to die happy” for 5 minutes and 45 seconds. yeah. yeah.

Disclaimer: yes it’s all a stretch and I’m overthinking it but also… am I? (yes) 

long post time! know that reading ahead may hurt you and yes it does get worse the further down the track list you get 💕 have fun kids

So just to start off, I think it’s funny that something Sufjan’s discography & Supernatural have in common is the 15+ years of the internet arguing if it’s gay or not, and the answer ending up being yes. PLUS there’s the obvious connection of American mythos + mythology + calvinist themes (I am hissing) + religious trauma prevalent in both. 

If you’re a fan of both like I am, it’s easy to connect them— notable connections being songs like “John My Beloved” and “The Owl and the Tanager” or even “John Wayne Gacy Jr.”, but I’m going to focus on Sufjan's 2020 album, “The Ascension” since even the arc itself seems so connected to season 15 of Supernatural, specifically. 

At least in my head it does <3 enjoy 

MAKE ME AN OFFER I CANNOT REFUSE

When interviewed about the meaning of this track, Sufjan explains that this song is about asking God, “what do you have to say for humanity?” That it’s about desperation, creation, and devastation. It’s about frustration with divinity. Also the vibes are 10/10. Need I say more 

RUN AWAY WITH ME

This song is beautiful, it makes me want to sit in some grass and stare at the sky. 

Some lines that make me Dean/Cas crazy are the two lines in verse 1 and verse 2 that mirror each other by being in the same place melodically:

Verse 1: they will terrorize us / with new confusion / with the fear of life that seeks to bring despair within

Verse 2: I will bring you life / a new communion / with a paradise that brings the truth to light within

Yeahhh so the words “Despair” and “The Truth” were mirrored in this song yes it was coincidental yes I’m clinging to it. It fascinates me 

But this song is about begging someone to stay with you.

sweet falling remedy / come run away with me / you’re all I ever need

VIDEO GAME

My first thought when I heard this song was about how it was such a song for enneagram 4s. If you don’t know what that means, I think Dean is a 4 and wrote a post about it here. 

AND @trapperjohnmcintyre also made the connection between these lyrics and Dean in this post, and honestly I don’t need to say much more than that??

The song is about feeling paranoid and angry that God is controlling your every move and you can’t escape it (aka hating the doctrine of predestination). Of course it’s also about not wanting to follow societal scripts. 

You just want to have an easier life instead of the weight of good and evil resting on your back!!!

I don’t want to put the devil on a pedestal / I don’t want put the saints in chains / I just want to make my life a little easier / I don’t want to play your video game

Also these painful lines, as a treat: 

I don’t want to love you if you don’t receive it / I don’t want to save the world that way

Oh, I almost forgot, also. At the end, the narrator gives up. He’s like well I guess I can’t escape. Gotta follow the procedure. Gotta be a puppet.

I don’t want it to go down that way / but in a way you gotta follow the procedure / so go ahead and play your video game

  LAMENTATIONS

I don’t have much to say about this one but this line always makes my heart ache idk:

I was only thinking of human kindness

TELL ME YOU LOVE ME

Here we gooooooo. Y’all aren’t ready.

Thesis: Tell me you love me despite the primordial darkness about to overtake me. And even if you don’t, I’m going to love you. 

15x18 Despair anyone?? 

I want to just paste the whole song but, here—

DIE HAPPY

Yep, "Die Happy" immediately follows "Tell Me You Love Me." Yes, the lyrics are just “I want to die happy” over and over for almost 6 minutes. 

First of all, the repetition mirrors the end of the song Fourth of July, from Sufjan’s previous album Carrie & Lowell, where Sufjan sings “we’re all gonna die” over and over.

Parallels, baby.

But I noticed something else about this recently though— in Die Happy, if you are listening to it in your headphones, there’s this weird sound that sounds like a wasp flying around your head (it made me uncomfortable which is why I noticed it, haha). After I felt unnerved for a moment, I had a realization— that this could be referencing one of Sufjan’s most beloved songs, “The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out To Get Us!!” (yes that’s a real song title lol)

The Predatory Wasp is about how Sufjan fell in love with his best friend at the Bible Camp he went to as a teenager. The wasp is a metaphor for internalized homophobia and also his love and how he fears his love will hurt the boy he’s in love with. 

So, Die Happy references an iconic song from Illinois (2005) with these notable lines:

Tl;dr: 

I want to die happy vs. I can’t explain the state that I’m in / the state of my heart / he was my best friend

Here’s an Despair photoset with Predatory Wasp lyrics via @toneelspeelster. 

ATIVAN

So your best friend has just died happy by being in love with you. You feel like the primordial darkness is on YOU now:

I woke up in stereo—I spent the day in vertigo / I could not get the spirit off my back

You’re once again tossed in the waves of thinking that God is fucking with you. But either way you just want to be tranquilized at this point. 

Is it all for something? Is it all part of a plan / tranquilize me, sanitize me, Ativan

Is it all for nothing? Is it all part of a plan? / make my death wish, mind my business / do the best I can with what I am

Ativan asks, was the true leading woman all this time… substance abuse?? 

Ativan / my leading woman

Long story short, you’re drunk on communion wine, asking the shadows to come back.

fill me with the blood of Jesus / clean my plate 'til he receives us / separate the colors from the black / ... / tell the shadows near us to come back

 URSA MAJOR & LANDSLIDE

Not a lot to say about this (even though I love these songs) so I’m gonna skip mostly, but the narrator has decided he wants to love you, he can’t help it <3 

GILGAMESH

Oh boy. 

I mean you kinda know what’s coming because of the title. The Epic of Gilgamesh is the world’s oldest piece of epic world literature, and Gilgamesh was “the first hero of human history.” 

In the world’s oldest story, The Epic of Gilgamesh, Gilgamesh and Enkidu are “very close friends” (their relationship is very homoerotic and this is barely disputed). Gilgamesh calls Enkidu his brother, and they are mutually selfless towards each other but when Enkidu dies, indirectly because of Gilgamesh, Gilgamesh has a breakdown and mourns him like that of a spouse and then has to come to terms with his own mortality. 

The meta level of this is so obvious I’m not even going to go into it. Anyways… here are lyrics that make me want to scream! 

the repetition of “my heart”... the concept of singing a eulogy.... saying your heart is chained to Your Angel............ it hurts

DEATH STAR

Star Wars reference my beloved. Like many of these songs this has Fuck You God energy.

what you call the human race / expedite the judgement day / it’s your own damn head on that plate

vandalize what you create / ... / witness me resist your fate / it’s your own damn head on that plate

 GOODBYE TO ALL THAT

This song is a bop honestly 

When the lyrics were released a bunch of Sufjan fans contrasted Goodbye To All That’s here I am alone in my car / hopelessly infatuted / and I’m driving to wherever you are to Sufjan & Moses Sumney’s song, “Make Out in My Car”.

Yeah, I know, we’re all thinking of this:

Make Out in My Car is basically where Moses gave Sufjan a horny car guy chorus and told him to write the verses, and Sufjan proceeded to write the most liturgical shit ever (and we love him for it). ANYWAYS… Goodbye To All That also reminds me of Dean’s depression and the weirdness that started in 15x19 and goes into 15x20. For some reason he makes it seem more upbeat and happy than it is...

Despite this song being a bop, the lyrics are depressing. He’s alone in his car. He’s hopeless. He realizes it’s too late to have died a young man. 

He’s going to try to move on, even though nothing is left of him, he’s begging someone to turn around and show me his shadow.

He also references substance abuse again—

love me / and leave me / intoxicated

  SUGAR

The music video? Iconic. The mom of a family is making a pie, or she’s trying to. She ends up rubbing the filling all over her face, crushing the fruits, the oven catches on fire. 

But she does it! She makes the pie. 

Meanwhile the other family members are in their rooms, overindulging in sugar in all its forms. And then as she and her family eat around a dining table, occassionally being seemingly marrioetted by some unseen force, she looks angrily over her family, they all seem to kind of lose it, then the house starts to come apart until the chandelier falls on the dinner table. 

It’s the making pie + overindulgence in sugar + marionetted family metaphors for me ❤️ 

Ultimately, the song is about begging for affection, being desperate for domesticity, but you feel doomed, you feel like your defeat is predestined, that you can’t escape it.

You just don’t want to be heartbroken & you don’t want to be angry anymore!!!!

  THE ASCENSION

So you may be asking… does this guy get the domesticity he’s longing for?? Does he get his love back?? 

No. He dies. :/

The Ascension begins with just that. He’s dying.

THEN Sufjan decides to rhyme “confess” with “confess”, in two lines that mean almost opposite things:

When I am dead / and the light leaves my breast / nothing to be told / nothing to confess / let the record show / what I couldn’t quite confess

So does this guy have something to confess or not??? 👀

Moving on… 

He goes back to thinking about how his life was predestined all along, and now after all that, he’s dying. So he thinks about all the times he was kind of like this Mythological Icon. That he always had to be the one to show what was right, to lead by example. That that had been his entire identity. 

And he realizes he needs to answer for himself. 

Then he is frightened— realizing he was always asking what everything meant, what it all was for, but that all along he was just angry and depressed.

But even though he feels a like he should have just resigned himself to meaninglessness, that he only thought he could change the world for the better… it strengthened him to know the truth.

And even through the absolute shit of it all, and even though God & others did things from a place of so-called holiness and hopelessness...

He did everything out of love ❤️

So then he dies 🙃

AMERICA

So, as the end of The Ascension asked, what now? 

The album ends on this long track, which Sufjan describes as a protest against all that America has been and has become. 

It’s a protest against capitalism, of destroying humanity for the sake of some cold machinery. 

I have worshipped / I believed / I have broke your bread / for a splendor of machinery

And in true Sufjan fashion, he makes this song about protesting somehow both horny and religious, god bless

I have loved you / like a dream / I have kissed your lips / like a Judas in heat

I have worshipped / I have cried / I have put my hands in the wounds on your side / I have tasted of your blood / I have choked on the waters / I abated the flood / I am broken / I am beat / but I will find my way / like a Judas in heat

I am fortune / I am free / I’m like a fever of light / in the land of opportunity / don’t do to me / what you did to America / don’t do to me / what you do to yourself

  to finish out, here’s a DeanCas post by @eggcessive with lyrics from America ❤️ I HOPE YOU ENJOYED MY WEBWEAVING :)

[krsnbgirl]

Fly High! || Kageyama xFem!Reader || Part 5

Summary: Hinata and Kageyama come over for a tutoring session since exams are right around the corner. Finally, they have a chance to have a little peek of your personal life at home after getting to know you more through your lunch time tutoring sessions. Kageyama also touches base with you about your decision which has finally come to an answer.

Pairing: Kageyama Tobio x Fem!Reader

Genre: Rom-Com, Slice of Life, Sports

Warnings: None for this chapter

Chapter's Word Count: ~3.1k

Author's Note: This is somewhat of a filler chapter, well in some cases hahaha. There are more moments with Kageyama though! All interactions with the story are much appreciated, but I would love to hear some feedback through the comments ; ^ ; I'm not sure if my writing is any good, but I'm assuming it's been going alright considering all the notes on the series?? Don't mind me, just being a little insecure about my writing atm...^^;

Taglist: @misnmatchedsox​ @monviemoo​ @love-beyond-words​ 

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4 || Part 5 || || Part 5.5 || Part 6 || Masterlist 

The blaring sound of a phone going off echoed through the bedroom as you sleepily reached out for it and took it off its charger. Squinting at the sudden brightness, you saw who was calling you and sighed. Right when you pressed the green button, the upbeat voice of your best friend could be heard. Still trying to wake up, you changed the call to be on speaker as you listened to Nishinoya ramble about his morning. Then you winced when he suddenly exclaimed about the new information he received from his fellow teammates during their morning practice.

“You’re tutoring the two idiots later today?!”

You yawned and stretched to get your body to feel more awake before replying, “Oh yeah...Hinata asked if they could squeeze in some more studying time before exams this week.”

“(Y/N)-chan, you’re a girl and you can’t just have two boys over when you’re home alone!”

You rolled your eyes and picked up your phone as you got out of bed. Making your way towards the kitchen, you smiled to yourself as you saw the plate of food your mom left. Taking a seat in front of the food, you settled down to enjoy your meal.

“You’re being overprotective Yu-nii. Just because our moms went on a trip together doesn’t mean you’re in charge of me.”

“UH YES I AM, I AM OLDER THAN YOU BY A YEAR.”

You laughed before digging into the food and said, “Okay and if it’ll ease your mind you can come over if you’d like and join us.”

“Ugh I wish I could, but I already promised Ryuu and Ennoshita that we would study together...we’re not trying to let you first years beat us!”

“Wait, how did you know they were coming over anyway?” You asked before taking a sip of your water.

“We had an early practice today and during our jog, Hinata was saying how excited he was to hang out with you.”

“Aw, that’s cute. He really is a ray of sunshine, isn’t he?” You snickered.

“(Y/N)-CHAN! Do you have a crush on Hinata?”

You burst out laughing and immediately said, “No I don’t Yu-nii, he seems like a brother to me at this point. Because of how innocent and bright he is, it makes me just want to take care of him like an older sister y’know?”

“Oh okay, that’s good to hear. Well, I’m glad BECAUSE I’M NOT READY TO LET YOU GO TO ANYONE ELSE. YOU’RE MY PRECIOUS LITTLE (Y/N)-CHAN.”

“There, there Yu-nii. You’ll always be my best friend, no one’s ever going to replace you. Even if I did get a boyfriend you’d just have to live with it.”

“Ugh whatever, I don’t even want to think about it yet. Anyways, I’m stopping by for dinner tonight. I’m going to need a breather after studying with the guys.”

Finishing up your breakfast, you hummed in response and gathered your dishes to clean them.

“What do you want for dinner? I’ll bring it over!”

“Oh~ if it’s your treat then I want takoyaki and yakisoba pan!”

“You’re so cheap.”

“Oh? So if you’re okay with paying more I want tonkotsu ramen, carbonara pasta, fried chicken, onigiri-”

“OKAY, OKAY TAKOYAKI AND YAKISOBA PAN IT IS. Geeze, you’re more simple than I thought.”

“I’m being easy on you, Yu-nii.”

“Alright, I got it. I’m about to go over to Ryuu’s house so let me know if Hinata or Kageyama do something you don’t like. We’ll be there in a flash to whip those two in shape.”

“Yeah, yeah~ take care Yu-nii.”

“You too (Y/N)-chan, I’ll let you know when I’m on my way later. Bye-bye!”

You smiled to yourself as you dried your hands and put away the dishes. It was always nice to know that Nishinoya would always be looking out for you even if he did so in such outgoing ways. His positive personality always lifted up your spirits especially since you were the more reserved one between the two of them. Taking a look at the clock the time for the boys to come over was nearing, so you decided to go ahead and get ready before cleaning up the apartment.

‘I wonder how today is going to go?’

---

Hinata and Kageyama were walking side by side as they made their way towards your area. The two had met up at the intersection they usually split up from to walk together since they didn’t want to awkwardly show up and make a fool out of themselves in front of you if they had shown up by themselves.

“Hey Kageyama, I wonder what her room looks like? Do you think it’s all frilly and pink like on TV?”

“I don’t know.”

“I hope she doesn’t think we’re even more stupid since we’ll be studying with her longer.”

“Who knows?”

“Kageyama, you also need to be more welcoming to her.”

“Shut up, Hinata. I already know what I need to do.”

“Are you sure, you seem pretty scary towards her if you ask me.” He laughed.

Kageyama clicked his tongue before slapping the back of Hinata’s head. “You’re just imagining things, you idiot.”

He quickly fastened his pace to get a head start and the boys began another race to see who would reach there first. In a matter of seconds, they were standing in front of your apartment complex and Hinata called you to let them in. The boys made their way up and Kageyama knocked on the door to let you know that they had officially arrived. They could hear your footsteps approaching and their eyes widened at your appearance. Your hair was out of its usual braid and you were wearing an oversized graphic t-shirt that was tucked into a pair of light denim high-waisted shorts.

“Hinata, Kageyama-kun I’m glad you guys made it.” you smiled at them before walking into the apartment.

“H-H-Hi (L/N)-san! T-Thanks f-for h-having u-us!” Hinata stuttered as he clumsily took off his shoes.

“Y-Yeah, excuse us for the intrusion,” Kageyama said softly as he followed Hinata towards the living room.

“We’ll be studying in my room if that’s okay with you guys?” you asked as you began to make some tea for them.

“A-A-Are you sure?” Hinata asked as he blushed.

“Hinata, relax. You don’t have to be so formal. I thought we’re all friends at this point.” you replied as they watched you rummage around for their cups.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right, haha. My bad…” Hinata sheepishly said.

“It’s the room at the end of the hall, make yourselves comfortable! I’ll be there once the tea is finished.”

The boys followed your instructions and entered the room. They were surprised to find it very minimal. The walls were painted white with black trimmings and were filled with medals and certificates from the years that you played volleyball. There was a bed at the corner of the room next to your balcony and a desk that sat at the center and against the opposite wall. An array of polaroids were posted on the wall where your floor desk was. It had your laptop and textbooks neatly on top with a floor chair and your blazer hanging over it. On its side was a shoe rack and had a volleyball sitting on the corner of its top rock. A white coffee table sat in the middle of the room on top of a black rug with a couple of cushions for guests to sit on. Your closet was closed and located nearest by the door; painted with a chalkboard medium that was filled with all sorts of critiques for volleyball, self reminders, and important dates to keep an eye out for. Along the wall where your bed was, there was a body-size mirror snuggled on the opposite corner and a bookcase near it. You had a record player sitting on the floor with a couple of your favorite albums sitting in its holder.

“Woah...it’s so organized,” Hinata muttered as he let his bag drop by the coffee table and wandered over towards the wall where all your medals and certificates hung.

Kageyama let his eyes wander as he took in all the small things that you kept for yourself. He made his way over towards your desk and looked at the different memories you captured through your Polaroid. There were many of you and Nishinoya throughout the years from early childhood days to when you went to middle school together. He noticed that if you smiled hard enough, there was a small dimple that would appear on your left cheek. His eyes softened as he continued to see small tidbits of your life before you came to Karasuno. There were funny ones with your old teammates and a couple of photos with you and the upperclassmen. The one that mainly caught his attention was one that Nishinoya probably took for you. You were surrounded by your teammates as you held up the national trophy with happy tears streaming down your face, sitting in a wheelchair to celebrate your victory.

‘She really loved volleyball, huh?’ He thought to himself as Hinata walked up to him and looked at the photos as well.

“Do you think we’ll make it on her wall someday?”

Always leave it up to Hinata to voice some of his own personal thoughts that he could never say out loud. He shrugged and went to go sit down to get ready for their session. Hinata joined him as well just as you walked through the door with some snacks and their tea. As the three of you got out your notebooks, Kageyama couldn’t help but peek at the polaroid wall once more wishing that he’d have a special photo with you soon.

---

Before you knew it, the sun had already begun to set and Hinata freaked out. He was supposed to be on his way home already to look after his baby sister and Kageyama also needed to leave in order to pick up some food for his family. You walked them down towards the entrance and was taken aback to see both of them bow to you in thanks.

“Man, you’re a lifesaver! (L/N)-san, thanks for helping us study on a Saturday!” Hinata exclaimed with a bright smile on his face.

“Thanks,” Kageyama said and nodded at you.

“Sure, let’s do our best on the exam!” You smiled and Kageyama’s eyes slightly widened as he saw your dimple.

‘Cute…’ He thought as you and Hinata engaged in another conversation about your time as a volleyball player. Kageyama sighed and shook his head to get rid of those thoughts. He didn’t understand why his attention slowly shifted towards you whenever he was in the same space as you. His main priority was to focus on getting better as a setter so Karasuno can beat Seijoh the next time they plays against them.

“Oh? The two idiots are still here?” Nishinoya asked as he walked up to the trio with a plastic bag filled with food slung over his shoulder.

“Noya-senpai!” Hinata exclaimed.

“I hope she was a good teacher to you guys?” He smiled at them before taking his place next to you.

“Yeah! I’m gonna ace that exam for sure now! I think!”

Nishinoya burst out laughing and went to slap Hinata on his back for some encouragement. “Just as I suspected, Hinata! You’re always so positive and let’s hope that what you’re actually saying is true! Or rather, I won’t let (L/N)-san’s kindness go to waste!”

“Kindness…'To have a caring heart. A term used to express a caring attitude one has for another.’” Kageyama muttered as he continued to mentally go over what they had been studying for.

Nishinoya stared at him before laughing again. “You better pass too or else you both won’t be able to go to Tokyo. That and you would have wasted my precious best friend’s time.”

You sweatdropped and tried to calm them down. “Now, now let’s have some faith in them Yu-nii. You’re basically in the same boat as them so don’t be trying to act so superior towards them.”

Nishinoya pouted while Hinata and Kageyama gave you thankful looks. You sighed as your best friend jumped onto you and looked at the other boys. “Have a safe trip home Hinata-kun, Kageyama-kun.”

They waved goodbye and Nishinoya let go of his grip on you. He cheekily held up the food he brought and stuck his thumb towards your apartment. “Let’s go eat shall we?”

You playfully rolled your eyes and made your way up to settle down for the night. Once all of the food was laid out in front of you, Nishinoya was about to play the movie you were planning on watching when out of nowhere your cell phone rang. You picked it up and was surprised to see who called you.

“Kageyama-kun?” you answered and Nishinoya sprang up from his seat, pointing at your phone with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

You let out a small gasp but Nishinoya was too quick for you as he tackled you, trying to get the phone out of your hand. On the other side of the line, Kageyama weirdly looked at his phone when he heard the chaos happening in your apartment. He raised an eyebrow at the clatter of the phone and slowly brought the phone back to his ear in time to hear Nishinoya over the line.

“HUUUUH?! KAGEYAMA?! LET ME ANSWER- WHAT ARE YOU- HEY DON’T SLAP ME AWAY- (Y/N)-CHAN!”

“Um...is everything okay?”

You kicked Nishinoya off of you and quickly ran to your room. Locking the door behind you, you walked towards the bed and plopped down onto it.

“Yeah, everything’s fine, sorry about that. Yu-nii was being annoying.” you laughed, slightly out of breath.

“...R-Right…”

Smiling in amusement, you shook your head and caught your breath. You mindlessly kicked your legs and asked, “Um...is there anything you needed, Kageyama-kun?”

“I...um...accidentally left my notebook.”

You sat up and glanced towards the blue notebook that had fallen off of the table. You went to go pick it up and said, “Oh yeah, I see it. Did you want me to give it to you tomorrow?”

“Actually...I’m downstairs…I wanted to try and study more tonight.”

Running towards your balcony, you looked down to see Kageyama looking down and then scuffed the ground with his foot. You giggled over the phone and leaned against the railings.

“Kageyama-kun, look up.”

His eyes widened as he heard you and looked up to see you smiling at him from your balcony. He felt something in his stomach that he only felt when his nerves were high during matches. As he racked his brain for the answer, you waved him up to signal that he could come to pick up his notebook. Clutching the strap of his bag, he swallowed down the nerves and couldn’t believe that he was nervous around you.

“What’s this?”

Kageyama was greeted by Nishinoya and a teasing smile. “Are you trying to get at my best friend, Kageyama?”

The setter clicked his tongue and was about to retort back only to have you intercept and push Nishinoya out of the way. You sheepishly smiled at Kageyama as you lightly pushed him towards the hallway and followed him out. He watched as you glared at the libero and closed the front door, then sigh in relief before turning your attention towards him.

“Sorry about Yu-nii I know he can be overbearing sometimes.” you said while holding out his notebook.

“I-It’s fine...I’m used to it because he’s like that at practice.” He mumbled and gently took it out of your grasp to put it inside of his bag.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, I can walk you down too.” you offered and the two of you began to make their way towards the entrance.

A short and comfortable silence fell and Kageyama was trying to figure out how to start a conversation with you. You looked up and smiled to yourself when you noticed his eyebrows were furrowed in concentration. Trying to help him relax from worrying so much about his social nature, you decided to start the conversation.

“Are you nervous for the exam?”

Kageyama looked down at you as you looked in front of them with your arms behind your back and he shrugged. “Not really, you’ve been a lot of great help to us.”

“That’s good.”

Another silence fell and you finally reached the entrance. You stood in front of him and rocked on your heels, waiting to see if he would say something. He cleared his throat and looked towards the street before he asked, “Have you decided if you’re going to be our manager or not?”

You hummed in thought as you guys ended up looking at the strangers that passed by. “I’m still thinking about it. There are still some things I need to figure out.”

He peered down at you before readjusting his bag and said, “(L/N)-san, at this rate, you can’t move forward. If you want to do this, you have to just believe in yourself that you are able to.”

“Yeah...I guess you’re right.” you softly said as once again, Kageyama knocked some sense into you as if he could read right through the barricade you put up for yourself.

“...And I’d like to have you as our manager too…” Kageyama quietly added.

Your eyes widened as he rubbed his neck, a slight tinge of red could be seen on his cheeks. You chuckled and warmly smiled at him.

“Well if you put it that way, I guess I can’t say no to this offer, huh?” you teased. “I’m kidding, but really though, thanks Kageyama-kun. I guess I can’t let you down after all that you’ve said to me. Just wait for me to settle some things first.” ‘Like going to Ukai-san’s store tomorrow to talk about my past and how we can incorporate my skills into your practice…’ you thought to yourself as a million of new ideas began to form in your head. It also reminded you that there was finally something could do that would help the team raise money for their bus.

His eyes softened and a faint smile could be seen on his face. “You’re welcome, (L/N)-san.”

You smiled widely and excitedly tugged on the strap of his bag. Kageyama raised an eyebrow at you. “In that case, there’s something I need from you and Hinata for help.”

[jeonjeonggukenergy]

Anti-Hero

summary ~ in search of wine at a party that’s so not your scene, you run into jungkook, the weeb from your film class, and become determined to learn just how much he lives up to his big reputation.

pairing ~ jungkook x reader

genre ~ fluff, smut (coming in ch3!) - college!au

wordcount ~ 2.3k

warnings ~ pretty much n/a, mentions of drinking and light smut

a/n ~ v excited for these lil dorks! i thought about combining this with the upcoming chapter but it felt right on its own and i wanted to go ahead and post an update for yall haha. ch 3 will most definitely have some serious smut to look forward to 👀 thank yall for reading, i love and appreciate any form of support or feedback so so much, so feel free to msg me or send me an ask abt whatever you want! 🥰 hope u enjoy this chapter!!!

previous: chapter 1 ~ next: chapter 3 | chapter 4 (coming soon!)

~ read on ao3 ~

CHAPTER 2 ~ cowboy bebop & chill

You couldn't stop thinking about Jungkook. Every time you brought the enamel of your favorite mug to your lips, teeth knocking the rim as you exhaled to cool off your tea, it called back the click of his earrings in your mouth. Whenever you reached behind your ear to tuck away the hair you'd impulsively cropped to your chin this year, it hit the same spot you'd sucked into a bruise on his neck and you shivered. Even your slight headache thanks to the shitty vodka from the pregame reminded you of the wine you'd sought out from him in the first place and never fucking got to drink. 

You found yourself reading over your responses to each other's discussion posts from your film class, trying to find any more justification for this sudden crush than the drunken flirtation that mortified you as soon as you remembered it sober. He did seem to like your directness...but you could easily ascribe that to his similarly loosened-up state. Scanning through your reflections on The Shawshank Redemption and Casablanca, you painstakingly overanalyzed every smiley face and "I loved that part too!" Could he have been into you at all before this? Or had he just eyed you for another quick fuck at a party? Shit, what if he hated you for working him up and then leaving? If he wanted to, you knew he would have easily found someone else to finish the night with. But what if he still held it against you? The image of him bitterly turning aside to find another girl in the crowd, with your hickey still fresh on his jaw, turned your stomach more than you wanted to admit.

Shaking your head with a grounding exhale, you reminded yourself that whoever else he did or didn't hook up with was none of your business. Plus, he seemed like a genuinely nice guy and probably didn't hate you in the first place. Wow, the bar really was so fucking low. Maybe that was part of the reason you were never that bold with boys. Every classmate you'd fallen for so far at college had remained innocently unaware of your feelings, likely because you never worked up the courage to clearly express them. You hadn't even been trying this time, though—this semester had been so busy you'd barely had time for your friends, much less crushes. And now your one blowoff class had become your biggest distraction.

Jungkook, a communications & media major, couldn't afford to lose as much focus in this class as you. Normally near front-and-center, he sat all the way in the corner of the last row, wary of imaginary stares burning through the hopefully-opaque-enough curtain of his hair. Even the risk of zoning out staring at the back of your head stressed him out less than the thought of you doing the same to him.

You walked into class through the back right entrance today so you'd pass Jungkook in the front row, though you could have gone straight to your usual left-side seat from the main door. Knowing you'd never summon the courage to talk to him, you still couldn't help wanting to see his face. You didn't know just what you were looking for—some kind of confirmation or dismissal that would let you just move on with your dry-ass life—but any reason to catch a glimpse of Jungkook was a good one. Today, though, he sat far closer to the entrance than you'd expected, and his proximity stopped you in your tracks a few feet behind him. Eyes dragging down the sculpted form under his soft black sweatsuit, your stare traced the veins in his forearms to reach the hands in his lap. Catching a half-page cartoon ass in your view of the manga he gazed at intently, a snort-laugh escaped you, the sound setting him on high alert. He snapped the book shut, spinning around with eyes wide and still-long hair an understandable mess for a Monday.

"I'm so—"

"I'm so sorry!"

You both shoved out the words at the same time.

A pause swelled between you, eye contact maintained as your mouths fluttered open and shut like fish. Even awkward and off-guard like this, he was just so damn pretty. It felt unreasonable for him to seem as flustered around you as you were around him. Finally, you spoke again, solely to force the conversation forward and put you both out of your misery.

"W-what do you have to be sorry for? I'm the one who, like—ugh, I was drunk, I'm so sorry, I never would have been so, yknow, if I was sober, like that's not me I promise, I really didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or—"

"No-no-no-no-no!" Jungkook cut you off, dismissing your barely intelligible apology. Before you could cut him off in return and continue, he held up both hands between you, his eyebrows knit together in a pleading expression. "Are you kidding me? Seriously, I feel so bad, I was kind of drunk too, I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable! Please, you have nothing to worry about, it was, uh...I was...good...if...you were." He grew shyer as he continued, drifting off as a hand reached back to rub his neck. A light laugh. "You did make me have to keep my hair long for another few days, though. It's gotten so annoying to take care of, I was planning on cutting it right after the costume."

This admission perked up all your earlier curiosities about him, and a cautious smile spread over your face as Jungkook unconsciously reminded you that he was, in fact, a total dork, rather than the fuckboy you'd irrationally feared him to be.

"Wait, hold up," you snorted again. Gently. "You're telling me you grew out your hair for three, maybe four, months...for a Cowboy Bebop costume?"

"Hey, it was free and way less lame than a wig," he defended himself. Crossing his arms over his chest, he fidgeted uncomfortably, face blushing into a grin as you continued to giggle at him.

"You are such a fucking weeb," you accused lightheartedly.

Jungkook furrowed his brows back together, an anxious hand grazing the spot where you'd marked him again. "Well, you recognized my Spike costume, at least," he pouted. "You're not all innocent."

"I watched one episode with my friend, and it was dubbed," you downplayed. "Isn't watching dubs instead of subs a crime for real anime fans?"

"Actually," his eyes lit up at your rhetorical question. "The dub of Cowboy Bebop is excellent. It's pretty universally considered better than watching the OG with subs. You're right though, that is the general rule."

"Oh man, who knew." Looking down, grinning, you tried to hide how endeared you were by his earnestness. "Well, it was pretty cool, not gonna lie. I guess I kind of get the appeal."

"Would you want to start watching the rest sometime? That's one I just never get tired of," he blurted, then blushed, closing his mouth and working his lips between his teeth as his eyes stayed wide and on you. Jungkook's heart accelerated in his chest, a fist opening and closing at his hip as he tried to decide whether he regretted taking a chance on the question.

You instantly diverted all your mental energy from hoping he couldn't sense your attraction to massively overthinking your response. This was a "Netflix and chill" kind of invite, right? If he wanted you, of course you wanted him, but you had to be sure before you did something else stupid and risked having to find another discussion board buddy.

"Um...yeah, sure," you accepted. "I have to ask, though, do you mean, like...Cowboy Bebop and chill?" You raised an eyebrow, trying to look bolder than you felt. "Or...Cowboy Bebop and just...Cowboy Bebop?"

"I..." Mirroring your playful grin, Jungkook shrugged, not wanting to look like a fuckboy if he answered with the first option but also wondering—were you actually interested in watching this anime with him? The possibility puzzled him, the same way it confused you how he could go bold and then back to his shy weeb-ass self within seconds. You shrugged too, with an anxious exhale of a laugh.

"That was...weird to just say like that, sorry. We can just see where it goes, whatever you want," you backtracked, full of faux-nonchalance. The Google Calendar schedule on your phone suddenly became very interesting. "We could do another day if that works for you, but I'm free after this class once I write my discussion post—I don't have any other homework or meetings today for once."

He nodded quickly, eyebrows up. Swallowing, Jungkook saw the opportunity to show a little more initiative and seized it. "We could do that together even, 'cause we usually jump off each other anyway. So you can come over right after class if you want." He glanced up and to the left for a quick mental inventory. "Oh shit, wait, but I seriously need to clean my apartment first, can we do more like dinner time tonight? You can just come over for ramen or takeout if you want, or eat first or whatever."

"Yeah, that's fine!" you agreed warmly. "Ramen and homework, two birds with one scone. I should probably, like...get your number? So you can send me your address when you're ready or something?" You didn't want to sound too desperate, especially since you knew he was used to it, but you found yourself weirdly excited to experience something he so obviously loved. If you got dicked down too, even better, but you were definitely willing to wait on that part, especially now that this first sober conversation had restored your inhibitions. He had this slightly shy sweetness about him that just made you want to make him happy somehow. You wanted to see more of his cheesy little smile. You wanted to hear the bright laugh that occasionally rang out at the most inappropriate times, during Citizen Kane or attendance. You wanted to watch his light pink lips fall open in bliss as you kissed down his sensitive neck to the trim of his worn-in hoodie...

"Yeah sure, here." The quick touch of his hand over yours snapped you out of your thoughts as he took your phone, ready to type in his number, and—

"Wait, did you say 'two birds with one scone'? Not 'one stone'?"

You blushed furiously. Somehow him calling you out on your quirks embarrassed you more than the indecent daydream he'd interrupted. "Okay, so I saw this tweet a while back where they said 'feed two birds with one scone' to replace 'kill two birds with one stone,' I think it was just some vegan troll being all like 'don't talk about killing birds!' but it stuck with me because I just really fucking love scones."

"You...really fucking love scones?" he repeated in slight sarcasm, eyes down on your phone. You grew even shyer, but continued.

"Yeah, I bake a lot and they're my favorite thing to make. The flavor possibilities are endless and they last for days so I just keep them on hand for breakfast and snacks and to give out to friends. And they go with tea, which is my other favorite thing." Ooh, was he a tea person? Should you bring some tonight? Something earthy, to go with your ramen. Your go-to green sencha, or maybe chrysanthemum? Chamomile?

Jungkook held your phone back out in front of you, but waited silently for you to notice, enjoying the view of wheels turning in your head as you pondered tea pairings. This was the you he was used to, daydreaming in class and going on tangents as dorky as his in discussions. Even from a distance, he'd noticed you consistently gave off a vibe somewhere between absentminded professor and grandma, and this confirmation made you even cuter to him. But the hair still falling over his ears wouldn't let him forget his new physical proof of another side to you.

You finally collected your phone with a mumbly "Oh right, yeah, cool, thanks," that you prayed sounded more chill to him than it did to you.

"I just texted myself, so I have your number too now, and I'll just send you my address when I'm ready, and, uh...yeah!" he rambled a bit in response.

You nodded, confirming. "I'll see you tonight!"

"Yeah, see you tonight."

Jungkook watched you walk to your desk, silently admiring your ass and allowing himself only a moment to savor the memory of half of it filling his hand. A strange nervousness tingled through him. He hadn't been able to stop thinking about you all weekend either, and now he had a chance to get closer to you than ever before. He hoped, more than he could remember hoping for anything else, that this would go well, one way or another. He had no idea what you wanted with him, but you had him questioning everything he'd thought he wanted. Easing open his laptop, he pulled up your last discussion board response to him, signed off with a smiley face but backwards.

I like the way you think. (:

He turned his head to read it right-side-up, letting his face scrunch into a smile you wouldn't see.

Meanwhile, though the film thrilled you, you struggled to stay facing forward for the duration of class. You suspected the plot of Rear Window was simply unsettling you, but you swore you could feel Jungkook's eyes on your back. No, he was probably actually watching the movie as usual, or reading his manga if not. You were definitely just being paranoid. Definitely. Probably. Right?

next chapter 

[blizabrth]

i was tagged by the lovely @ama-ssiempre to post 4 songs i am currently obsessed with over-listening to and like honestly this is the perfect tag for my hyper-fixating ass so i'm running with it!!! thank you so much for the tag, sam!! <3

i went into my 'on repeat' playlist on spotify and picked a handful from right off the top. it's littered with vibey stuff that i like to put on while i'm writing (and also lots from the good girls soundtracks so i don't feel like i need to repost those lmao), so i'll admit that these are not my "top 4" on repeat right now but they might as well be lol. ANYWAY

1) If You Stayed Over by Bonobo, Fink-- okay so SEXY BASS and SEXY LYRICS and honestly i do get lots and lots of #brio vibes from this (If it's on, it's on for good (yeah)/ 'Cause when it's gone, it's gone for good/ Let me tell you) and if i could figure out how to make a fic inspired by this song alone i would, but i have too many ideas rn so i'm putting it into the universe eyes emoji............ anyway just listen

2) Forever Dolphin Love (Erol Alkan Rework) by Conan Mockasin, Erol Alkan-- the original is beautiful too but this adds some more bass and beats and also it's ALMOST 10 MINS LONG which is great for when you really wanna just word vomit into a doc for awhile without getting distracted with a change in auditory mood!

3) Dream Catcher by Pinc Louds-- wow, okay, so, this song showed up in my discovery playlist at the beginning of last year, and then i ended up voraciously consuming all of Pinc Louds' music, which is GOOD, really REALLY good. so good that it's still in my repeat playlist over a year later. that doo-wop happiness mixed with terrible, beautiful, horrifying, disgusting love. so, so queer, full of love and i put it on whenever i want to move! i listen when i clean! when i go for a walk! when i drive somewhere! cannot recommend them enough, and this is the song that introduced me to them, so here, it's your turn:

4) Phantom Other by Department of Eagles-- so, i discovered this song while i was working as a catering coordinator on the east coast and spending a lot of my time driving around south jersey backroads making deliveries, or driving into work earlier in the pre-dawn darkness with my wawa latte and croissant sizzli. it's recently reentered my repeat rotation for unknown reasons, but it's got some haunting vocals and exciting instrumentals, and it's been making me so nostalgic for that time in my life. i also recently realized the band is from the delval/philly area and that just made it all make sense haha!

ANYWAY WOW THIS GOT DEEP enjoy these tunes folks.

i would like to tag @itsmeatcat, @hereliesbb, @inyoursheets, @dontcallmepixie, @delicatelingon, @sothischickshe, and anyone else who wants to participate!!! this was rly fun! also sorry if you've been tagged already lol

[gojoyogurt]

Jujutsu Kaisen Christmas!!

jjk headcanon!

characters: every character introduced in the anime so far! and you of course hehe

plot: everyone is invited to jujutsu tech for a christmas party, including the unidentified special grade curses that have the ability to talk but... ITS CHRISTMAS.

as you guys were preparing for the party in the function room, panda kept trying to eat all the snacks so nobara had kept trying to hold him back (to no avail because she eventually got crushed underneath him)

gojo... was nowhere to be found OBVIOUSLY and the curses gang were just chilling outside. you were lowkey praying that jogo wouldnt set anything on fire before the party even started.

megumi was just hanging around with itadori and junpei, playing with his gyokuken (divine dogs) [honestly wouldnt that just be so cute]

you, maki-san and mai-san were busy setting up everything and also having small chit chats here and there.

since gojo wasnt there yet, ijichi-san was everywhere, both panicking and pissed since gojo was NEVER on time no matter what the event was.

nanami couldnt be bothered anymore to settle the situation so he was quietly reading at one corner.

inumaki was just vibing to the christmas music playing in the background with panda after wrestling with nobara.

before the party started, a very popular christmas song that was trending on vikvok started playing, being the great senpai he is, todo dragged itadori to the middle of the room to start dancing with him alongside inumaki and panda.

it was already around 7.30pm and gojo wasnt there yet so yall just decided to start without him to not waste anytime

everyone gathered around the table that had food on it, “LETS EAT IM STARVING” jogo suddenly screamed in the room with his fire coming out of almost every hole in his head.

“now now, jogo, be patient.” mahito calmly cooled down jogo to prevent the fire hazard from creating havoc during the party.

“who thought it was a good idea to invite the curses here...” megumi sighed as he shot eye darts at junpei, which junpei completely avoided.

“c’mon!, the more the merrier!” you said as you thought that they really shouldn’t have come, but it was all the make junpei happy so...

as the party started, everyone was just going around getting food. everything was smooth sailing until... itadori suddenly spreads cake icing over megumi... yeah megumi was both pissed and confused at the same time so he chased itadori around the table. itadori was laughing his ass off while he had a raging megumi chasing after him. thankfully the food was fine so all is good so far.

after about AN HOUR, gojo finally shows up. “hey guys! what did i miss?” gojo said cheerfully. however, a dark ominous shadow appeared behind him and whacked his head so hard it made the whole room go silent.

“not even an apology?” nanami reprimanded gojo while staring down at him.

since an hour has passed, it was already time for the next thing on the agenda so gojo didnt even have time to eat the moment he arrived, he was okay nonetheless.

Game time!

the first game was something like blinfold elimination? im not too sure about the name. the way to play is:

two members of the team are blindfolded and is waiting outside a ring that has balls scattered everywhere

in order to win, the two blindfolded team members have to eliminate the other teams blindfolded members by finding a ball and throwing it at them

however, since they cannot take of their blindfold, the remaining team members will have to guide them to find the balls and help them to tell them roughly where and when they should throw the ball.

the non-blindfolded team members are not allowed to throw the balls and use their cursed energy.

the rules were fairly simple so yall split yourselves into 4 teams.

the 8 blindfolded people were itadori and inumaki, panda and aoi, mahito and mai, nanami (he was dragged into it) and nobara.

you were on mahito and mai’s team so you decided to just guide mai along since you were a lottle uncomfortable with mahito. jogo was there for him anyways and they make a better team.

gojo started the game by screaming and suddenly the room was filled with desperate screams to get the ball.

balls were flying everywhere and people were already crying of laughter because of the scene.

itadori kept scurrying along the floor like an insect which made everyone laugh but he couldn’t be hit no matter what.

as time passed by, more and more people got eliminated, including mai-san and the only people left were nanami and mahito. (oooo the matchup)

the rest were frantically screaming everywhere that they should go and throw in a certain direction.

it felt so tense yet so fun at the same time so it was pretty enjoyable to watch.

finally nanami hit mahito with the ball and the game was over. “good game, jujutsu sorcerer” mahito said in defeat while shaking his hand. “i only do what im supposed to” nanami nonchalantly replied as both enemies walked away from each other

the game took WAY longer than expected so it was time for the exchange gifts!

Exchange Gift time!!

yayy its exchange gift timee.

everyone gathered together and sat in a circle in the large empty space of the room with their gifts in hand.

“okay! lets all pass around the gifts until the music stops!” you announced as you started the music.

all the gifts were just travelling everywhere in very different directions including across the room.

you stopped the music and everyone made sure that they each had a gift in hand.

all of you took turns opening up the gifts and there were actually some pretty funny ones. by a huge coincidence itadori got a sukuna finger cake that was made by mai-san. it didnt look the best but.... hey the effort counts.

you opened up your gift and you found a keychain of megumis divine dogs. you guessed that it was from him and to no surprise it was. you found it so cute you immediately attached it onto your bag.

after opening your gift you proceeded to just watch the others open theirs. some of them were quite ridiculous as mahito got a hanger and jogo got a can opener.

it soon came down to the last person nanami so he opened up his gift slowly, he tore one side open, peeked inside, and immediately closed it. “whoever bought this gift must be very childish...” he said in disappointment

itadori ran towards him and ripped open the present and realised, it was a maids outfit.

everyone burst into laughter just imagining nanami in a maids outfit. “h-hey! who gave him that HAHAHAHA” itadori asked as he was rolling on the floor with his hands over his stomach.

gojo slowly raised his hand up and was already at the door, ready to escape.

nanami slowly rised, “please excuse me” he said calmly and he bolted out the door to chase gojo

that sight made everyone laigh even more until they had no more energy to laugh.

by the time they returned with gojo semi beat up, everyone was so out of energy and just lying down on the floor while listening to christmas music play in the background.

“should we pack up now? its also quite late” panda asked and everyone nodded in agreement.

everyone helped to pack up the remaining food and clean up the place before leaving.

once the whole place was clean, everyone siad their goodbyes and left in different directions.

andd there it is! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!! hope you guys enjoyed this and i also hope you have a fun time with your families today! hopefully you get the gifts you want too HAHA. i may or may not post on new year’s but ill try if i can. ill be quite busy starting 2021 since thats when school starts, ew, but ill still try my best to post every now and then so please forgive me if im inactive! anywho, besides all that, please stay safe and have a merry christmas and a happy new year yalls! see you guys soon!!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #335

“on my forehead, a birthmark  /  remove it with the kiss of a knife  /  even if it causes me to die”

Do you recover well from surgery? Judging by the two surgeries I've had, oh yeah. I was hyper as hell when I came home from getting tubes put in my ears as a little kid, even though the doctor said I'd be very sleepy. Then, after my cyst removal, I was put on very strong painkillers but was still warned it was going to be a painful recovery, when it totally wasn't. I literally only took painkillers the first day. What addictions have you had? Caffeine, technology. Would you change your name if you became famous? Nah. If Cupid were real, would you hire him to make someone love you? No. I don't want somebody forced to love me. Ever been to an auction? No. Which word(s) do you generally use to describe someone attractive? (e.g. “fit”, “sexy”) It kinda varies with gender. Women I tend to call "beautiful" or "gorgeous," sometimes "hot" or "cute," while men I usually refer to as "handsome" or "hot"/"sexy." The last person you kissed - are they older or younger than you? She's a bit younger. When was the last time someone wanted you to do something, and you refused? Hm. I dunno. I have a hard time saying "no," so. When was the last time you had Pop Tarts? What flavour were they? Many months ago; I kinda stopped eating them because they're truly not filling and just a load of sugar that veils itself as an actual breakfast choice. But anyway, I liked the chocolate sundae ones. Have you ever felt a temperature below 0? No. Did you ever play Spyro? I LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!! SPYRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Those games were my CHILDHOOD, and it's half the reason I'm dying for a PS4 to play the remastered trilogy. Speaking of which, it'd be awesome if they remade the The Legend of Spyro trilogy as well. I might just like those games more than the originals, but that's a bold statement I'm unsure about. Have you ever dated someone who was of a foreign origin? I dated a Hispanic guy for less than a day. Have you ever read any of your idols’ books/autobiographies? Ozzy Osbourne's, yes. I'm just fucking waiting for Mark to write one, but he's always said he has so little interest in writing about his life. DO IT, YOU FUCK. Do you own any succulents? No. I think they're pretty, though. Do you have a drone? No. What’s your favorite Netflix series? *shrug* What is something a lot of people like but you don’t? Summertime. The heat, the humidity (at least here), the sunburn from just standing outside for ten minutes... I hate all of it. The ONLY two things I enjoy about summer is swimming and then flowers, though spring is the more floral season here anyway. Do you have revenge fantasies that you never actually play out? They've... happened. Did your first real significant other change you at all? Pretty sure forever. Are you waiting to have sex until you’re married? Once upon a time, that was the plan. Now, nah. I'd just want to be in a healthy, stable, and long-term relationship. What do you think about divorce? It's sad, but necessary for some people in order to be happy, which everyone has the right to be. I used to be very firmly against divorce except in extreme cases like abuse, etc., and I'm still definitely no fan of it and think couples should do their best to work things out, but it's incredibly unfair to believe that someone should be stuck for the rest of their life with a person they just don't love anymore. Getting married can be a mistake; don't damn people forever to be chained to their bad decisions. Do you remember the first time your heart broke? What was the reason? It was probably when Dad just abandoned us. What's the worst prank someone has ever done to you? I don't think anyone's ever pulled a sick joke on me. Have you ever seen someone sleepwalk? Yes; my little sister deadass tried to walk outside late at night. Thank God I was on the computer in the living room and stopped her. What song are you listening to right now? I just turned "Mutter" by Rammstein on. When is the last time you cursed? I'm not re-reading, but I have probably cursed fifty times in this survey already. It's so deeply ingrained into my vocabulary. Are there any words on your shirt? No; it's just a plain gray tank top. Why do you forward forwards? I never do because they annoy the fuck out of me. How many people are you interested in at the moment? Just one in a healthy and logical way. I can't be truly interested in Jason because like come on I haven't spoken to him in four whole years. My PTSD just ensures I never forget the memory of who he was, who probably no longer even exists. I mean, look how much I'VE changed in four years. Do you know any mechanical stuff about cars? Nnnnope. Who was the last person (apart from family) that you spent time with? What did you get up to? Apart from family, I have no idea. If you have pets, when was the last time one of them got on your nerves? Venus never does, but Roman can get on my nerves sometimes when I don't let him lay on me when I'm on the laptop in bed. He's a large cat (not overweight, just a big male cat) and blocks the screen big time unless he lies down properly, which he doesn't always do. He still tends to win when he tries to come over, but sometimes I'll block him with my arm, and this spoiled brat will actually slap it a few times before walking away lmao. Would you rather live in a house with a swimming pool or an indoor cinema? Absolutely a pool. I want one badly. Do you own a credit card? If so, do you currently owe any money on it? Could you afford to pay it off tomorrow if necessary? No. How many hours of sleep do you typically get each night? Is that enough to function or would you rather have more? Especially lately, I don't get nearly enough. Like at the time I'm answering this question, it's 4 AM, and I've been up for almost a couple hours. I struggle with falling asleep, I will ALWAYS wake up at least once in the night, and I jerk awake from nightmares regularly still. It's a big reason why I pretty much require naps. Does your house have a loft/basement? Are they functional or do you just use them for storage? We only have an attic. Do you suffer from road rage? What kind of thing tends to set you off or wind you up while driving? No. I'm way too timid of a driver to get that outwardly pissy about stupid people. I'd just judge them in silence, haha. What kind of animal did you last see in the wild? Is that a common sight where you live? Because of just how common they are, I'm going to assume this excludes birds, in which case it was probably a squirrel? Yeah, the normal brown ones are common. Do you post a lot on social media? If so, what kind of thing do you tend to post on there? Since I was fucking stupid enough to post a suicide note on Facebook (I don't want to hear a goddamn thing about "attention seeking," I genuinely wanted to say goodbye), I almost never, ever, share things about my personal life. Even before, it was rare for me to actually share what's going on with me. All I really do now is share relatable, wholesome, or funny shit I find, as well as political things I'm in firm agreement with. What are some habits you have in common with your parents? I pace like my dad, and it drives people crazy because it apparently makes them anxious? I can't think of an obvious one I have with Mom, but I'm sure one exists. Where's your favourite place to swim - the ocean, a pool, river, lake etc? I feel safest and most clean in a pool, but c'mon, swimming in the ocean is so much fun. When you're saving your place in a book, do you use a bookmark or fold your pages down? Or something else? It depends on the book, it seems. Especially if someone else owns it, like in school or something. Is any part of your body hurting at the moment? Is there a specific incident that caused the pain? My legs always hurt. I've shared enough as to why; it wasn't an actual, singular "incident." What was the last thing to make you laugh out loud? OH MY FUCKING GOD. So in group therapy the other day, one of the girls had her bearded dragon out, and he was being aggressive. I think he tried to bite her aND SHE SAID WITHOUT REALIZING HER MIC WAS ON, "fucking dickhead," and everyone d i e d. She's a really cool chick, I'll miss her when I'm finished with PHP. Who was the last person you heard sing? Myself, surprisingly enough. I barely ever sing. Do you bite your lips a lot? Yes, especially when they're dry. .-. What part of your body would you never get pierced? Anyone who gets a piercing "down there" has a greater pain tolerance than this bitch right here. Have you ever dated someone with tattoos? Juan had quite a few. I don't remember if Tyler did... but I think maybe a The Legend of Zelda-related one? Have you ever failed gym in school? No. Are you scared of dogs? No; I love dogs. What is the saddest movie you’ve ever seen? Man, idk, I'm a little bitch when it comes to emotional movies. The Boy in the Striped Pajamas is high up there, as is of course Johnny Got His Gun. Old Yeller, too. Which one of your friends is most likely to be famous one day? Why? Sara's gonna write a fuckin book series ok you can't convince me otherwise. What is the worst present you have ever gotten? Damn dude, what an ungrateful question. I'm just appreciative someone even thought TO give me something. Do you shave your arms? My armpits, yes, but not my arms themselves. How many people have you dated? I only count three as even remotely serious: Jason, Sara, and Girt. Have you ever performed in a play? I remember back in Sunday school as a tiny kid I played Mother Mary in one we did in class. Do you chew gum? I have been more lately since my doc upped the dosage of one of my mood stabilizers (which I think is actually helping); I mention that because apparently a side effect is dry mouth, and it's the fucking Sahara in there. He advises those who deal with it to always carry around hard candy or something like that for the sake of forcing salivation, so gum works for me. How old were you when you first started dating? I was in the 7th grade when I had my first "boyfriend," but it was total puppydog love. I started dating my first "real" bf when I was just shy of 16. Are/were your parents strict? Dad, no. Mom, only to a degree that I feel was pretty reasonable. She only ever wanted to prepare us to be functional, independent adults. Didn't work so well on me though, ha... Do you wear glasses? Yes. God, I need new ones. I'm blind as hell. What do you miss most about your childhood? Being so outgoing and happy to just be weird lil me. Do you write “To-Do” lists? Not really, no, but I do have notes on my phone about a couple things, like a bulleted list of planned monetary investments by importance, as well as a list of drawing ideas. Do you have a favorite quote? What is it? I don't, really. There's loads I like, but no one favorite. Could you survive as a vegetarian? I pretty desperately want to, but I don't know if it's realistic. I am so, SO picky, and without meat, it's very questionable as to where I'd get an adequate source of protein. I still want to try again though once I'm at my goal weight. Has anyone ever asked you for your autograph? Lol no. Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you that you were sexy? Yeah, but that was a looong time ago when I was actually some semblance of pretty. Do you prefer to take your showers at night or in the morning? I used to be someone who firmly stood by nighttime showers, but now I'm all about them in the morning. It's a nice way to wake up and start the day with productivity. Could you handle living with a male roommate? I mean, I lived with my then-boyfriend once, but I'm going to assume you'd consider him more than a "roommate." We lived with our two other friends, though, also a couple, and I was totally fine with living with them. Has anyone taken their shirt off in front of you? Yes. Do you like Freddy Krueger? His concept is very scary, but all the movies I've seen bits of have always been super cheesy. Which do you prefer, Naruto or One Piece? I haven't seen either and really aren't interested. What do you think of Rob Zombie? I've never really watched his movies, but I'm a fan of his music. What’s you fetish? I don't have one. Have you ever been in the “friend zone?" Well, what I'd call a "fake" one with Jason after the breakup until I was blocked on Facebook. I know now he absolutely did not want to be friends; he was trying to appease me. Is the area you live in more liberal or conservative? Definitely conservative. Do you know anyone who had to have tubes put in their ears as a baby? Yeah, me. Were either of your parents baptized? I'm certain Mom was, but idk about Dad. I think so. The last concert that you were at, was there a mosh pit? No. What was the last computer game that you played? World of Warcraft. Does your bathroom have a theme to it? No. Are any rooms in your house themed? No. What was the last thing that you recorded? I think Mom and I singing "happy birthday" to my late dog Teddy; we knew it would be his last. Do you like the show Futurama? Not really. Have you ever been in a choir class? I was in the elementary school chorus, as well as the choir at my childhood church. Are you ashamed of any of your family members? No, only myself. Were you a chubby child? No. Did you ever have senior photos done? No, even though I wanted them. Who is the person you dislike the most? God, this is so petty... but it's the girl Jason dated after me. I know it's childish as hell to feel like she "took" him from me, and I just feel this horrible hatred towards her that is entirely uncalled for. I just can't get myself to move past it. Do you take part in paying the bills for your household? No, as I'm unemployed and also don't have disability, so I literally can't. How do you usually celebrate New Years? I really don't do much. Sometimes Mom will grab a pack of daiquiris, but that's pretty much the extent of it. Does the place you work have music playing? What sort? N/A What was the last job interview you went to? At a local grocery store to work in the deli. Got the job, lasted there for not even two hours. :^) Do you know anyone with autism, mood disorders or learning disabilities? Autism and mood disorders, yes. I myself may have high-functioning Asperger's (yes, I know that term doesn't technically exist anymore, it's just the umbrella term of "autism," but w/e). Have you ever had an immediate relative pass away of cancer? My grandmother died of pancreatic cancer, and it's pretty much guaranteed that, unless there's some sudden accident, my mom will die of cancer, too. Hers got too bad to entirely eliminate every trace of cancer cells, so it will inevitably re-emerge at some point, just obviously some place else given that she had a total hysterectomy. Would you rather work in an office, warehouse or on a retail shop floor? Office. Are you a fan of sweet, sour, salty, or savory snacks? I enjoy all of those, but sour I think tops the list.

[purplesurveys]

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Have you ever shared a shower or bath with someone as an adult? I did it a couple of times with a past girlfriend, but I’m honestly not a fan of it unless I’m somewhere with a serious lack of bathrooms and it’s the only choice available. I like my space when I get myself all cleaned up lol.

What kind of pizza toppings do you like?  Different kinds of cheeses do it for me, really. If I absolutely have to pick toppings, I do like bacon, bell peppers, barbecue chicken, or onions on my pizza.

When did you first take a shot of alcohol?  I have no idea, actually. Maybe 20? 21? I never noted the year down. I don’t even know the first shot I ever took...if I had to guess, it was probably tequila.

Did you babysit for money when you were in middle school? No. I babysat because I was the eldest daughter and granddaughter in an Asian household, haha.

Who is your favorite band? How long have they been?  Paramore; 17 years, have loved them for 14.

Has the last person you kissed ever been to your house? Many times. She used to be a welcome guest.

Have you ever been to a spa?  I don’t think I’ve ever entered one, no. There’s been no reason to in the past.

When talking on the phone, do you place it against your left or right ear? Right. I don’t remember ever placing it on my left, come to think of it.

What’s your favourite Lunchables meal?  Idk, I’ve never had them. American thing, I’m guessing.

Do you like Bob Marley?  I don’t hold an opinion on him; I’ve never tried listening to his music.

Have you ever eaten at Golden Corral? Nope, I don’t know what that is, either.

Do you sit and eat dinner at the same table with your family?  Yes, we have dinner together every night. We’ve been doing it since the start of the pandemic; and, with that, since my dad has had to stay at home since he can’t report to work anyway considering the situation. I imagine we’d be back to eating separately once he can report back to his job.

Are you listening to any music right now? If so, what are you listening to?  Yeah, I’m listening to Map of the Soul: 7 and UGH! just started playing. This is such a good FUCKING album it’s absolutely insane how good it is. Whatever spirit possessed BTS throughout 2019 to produce an album this unbelievable wasn’t playing.

Who was the last person to make you genuinely smile?  Hobi, since I rewatched the Run BTS segment where he called Conan O’Brien ‘Curtain.’

Is there something you want to say to someone but can’t/won’t? No.

Do you like men who have a sensitive side?  I think it’s nice when anyone has a sensitive side and isn’t ashamed to be in touch and expressive with their emotions. Doesn’t have to apply to just guys.

Have you ever tried to get someone into a certain band/artist?  I don’t do that with any of my interests because I don’t want to potentially irritate or bore someone, or to potentially face the disappointment I’d feel when they don’t end up being enthusiastic about what I’m into. I’m totally okay with my interests just being My Thing, no need to drag other people into them.

Have you ever carved you and someone else’s initials into a tree?  Nopes.

Do you like Dairy Queen?  Just some items, like their Oreo Frappe or whatever it’s called. I’m not a big fan of ice cream cakes and I’ve never really explored their Blizzards.

Is there anyone you know with an amazing personal success story?  Andi.

Is there a song in a different language that you can sing? Well Filipino is my first language rather than English, so yes.

How do you feel about bands that use pyrotechnics in live concerts?  I’ve never experienced this other than One Direction using fireworks at the end of their concert here (and they weren’t launched from the stage either, but somewhere backstage), so I don’t really know what to feel about this other than they should just make sure they’re following safety protocols and standards to avoid mishaps.

Ever fallen down a hole?  I don’t think so.

Do you like bananas?  Not so much, but I don’t passionately hate it as much as I do other fruits. I do like some dishes that incorporate banana, like banana bread and banoffee pie. Recently I discovered Korean banana milk and it ended up tasting pretty good!

How long do you normally spend in the shower? Not even 10 minutes, usually. I've never understood how people can take such long showers. < Yeah, pretty much on the same page. The only times I take a while is if I feel like shaving, but otherwise I shower quickly. Maybe around 4–7 minutes at most.

Have you ever been a featured member on any website?  I don’t think that ever happened, at least when having featured members was still a thing.

Have you ever had any weird pets?  Nope.

Are you currently talking to/texting/instant messaging anyone?  I am not. Though I know I have unread messages from Andi...I just don’t feel like checking them right now.

Have you ever experienced insomnia?  Only when I was a teenager. It’s been a while since I’ve faced any trouble in trying to fall asleep.

Do you like egg nog? I’ve never had a chance to try it but it sounds delicious, and I would definitely take a sip the first opportunity I get.

Would you ever wear Converse with a prom/formal dress?  I don’t see why I would have to but if it’s just for funsies, it sounds pretty harmless so yeah, I would.

Do you prefer hot chocolate with or without marshmallows?  Withoooooooooout. I’ve never understood marshmallows.

How many different people of the opposite sex have you cried over?  In a romantic sense, none. But I’ve cried for other reasons, like when I mourned over my grandpa and Nacho.

Would you rather be a surgeon or mortician?  Surgeon, since there’s a tiny part in me that had always wanted to take up med school.

Would rather be a musician or a painter? Painter, if anything. I’m not creative by any means, but I feel like I’d enjoy a lot more freedom with painting.

Would you rather write your own book or make your own movie? [continued from last night] Write my own book I suppose, but I could only work with non-fiction. I’d embarass myself if I had to write something not based off of real life.

At home, do you have a trampoline? No. But this reminds me of when we’d go to Rita’s place to have meetings whenever we couldn’t hold them in school. She’s the richest one out of all of us, lives in a very old money village, big-ass house, big-ass kitchen, big-ass receiving areas (plural)...and they also have a nice trampoline in their big-ass yard. We always used to horse around in there as soon as we were done with our meetings.

When you are about to go to bed, do you put on some sort of noise?  I used to put on a YouTube video that would entertain me enough to feel relaxed and eventually sleepy, but I haven’t done that in the last few weeks. These days I usually look for a fanfic to get absorbed in, then I read until my eyes start feeling heavy.

What is your favorite Christmas movie?  Love Actually or It’s A Wonderful Life.

And what about your favorite Christmas song?  It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas makes me feel festive and fuzzy.

What is your ultimate favorite stocking stuffer?  My family doesn’t really keep up with this tradition. I remember how our grandparents would fix up stockings for us when we were much younger, but they were usually filled with candy. 

After Halloween, do you sort out all of your candy into little piles?  I never collected candy for Halloween.

When you listen to music with headphones, do you keep the volume low enough to hear surrounding noise faintly, or do you blast it?  Depends. The rare times I’m working and do feel like putting headphones on, the volume has to be just decent enough so I can still focus. If I’m not doing anything else or at least doing something that doesn’t involve too much ~brain activity~, I like my music very loud.

What did you have for breakfast this morning?  It doesn’t really count as breakfast but I’m currently finishing off the remaining two pieces of McNuggets I got last night. 10 pieces is apparently too many for my appetite, haha.

What’s the largest animal you’ve ever had as a pet?  Cooper has probably been the biggest and heaviest so far.

Do you own any kind of helmet?  We have a bike helmet here at home, but it’s not exclusively mine.

Out of everything currently in your refrigerator, what food or drink is your favorite?  I don’t memorize the fridge so I can’t tell you my favorite food that’s currently in it; as for drink, I just stick to cold water.

What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?  Sprained ankle after I tripped at one of the parking lots in school.

Do you like the taste of cough syrup?  I’ve never had it.

What is something you like to have conversations about?  People with experiences vastly different from mine, because it lets me explore different perspectives. It’s why I always look forward to family reunions with one of my uncles - who’s a foreigner, from a very different country - since he’s able to share a lot of fun and reflective stories about his life and stuff he did in his youth, stuff I never got to experience and live through.

What all is in the trunk of your car?  The trunk used to be my trash can lmao, back when I was still driving everyday. My mom has since cleared it out since the beginning of the pandemic; I believe only a laptop bag is sitting there now.

Do you ever put fruit on your cereal? No. I don’t even eat either.

Is your heat or air conditioning currently on?  My electric fan is. I don’t turn on the aircon until the evening.

Have you ever fallen off of a horse?  Nopes.

Which do you value more, your appearance or your intelligence?  Both are important to me.

When was the last time you drove something other than a car or truck?  I don’t remember. I’ve only ever driven cars.

Were your grandparents present when you were born?  Neither set wasn’t in any of the photos from my birth, so I don’t think so...? My maternal grandparents definitely wouldn’t have been present, since my parents had been living in Manila then.

If you drink/smoke, how often do you do these things?  I vape...pretty much all day. I’m doing it while taking this survey. As for drink, I would say 1-2 times a month. Usually after a particularly grueling shift.

What do you think of fast food?  I love it. Unabashedly. I just don’t have them a lot because I don’t find it filling and the quality is obviously lower; but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like the way fast food tastes.

What website do you spend the most time on and why?  Google Suite, if it counts. I work 5 days a week; it’s pretty much an extension of me at this point.

What’s the most amount of time you’ve spent online? Is this usual for you?  All day. I’m always using the internet to do things. I used to be embarrassed of it, but these days I feel like having a connection is virtually an essential.

When it comes to travel, what kinds of places intrigue you most? Museums, historical sites, cultural sites, and spots where they show you how they do practices native to the place. I’ve always been about immersing myself in the cultures of the places I visit.

What is the farthest you’ve walked in one day and what made you do it?  I remember having to walk for a very very very VERY long time when we were in Bali - my family wanted to explore more of the city - and the weather wasn’t cooperative at all, so I ended up feeling super cranky. I remember also walking around a lot in Shanghai, but that was a slightly better experience since the city was incredibly lively and there were a lot of things to see and stop at; not to mention the weather was also kinda pleasant. The cold was biting but I would always rather be too cold than walk around with sweat-soaked clothes.

What is something important that’s often on your mind lately?  Our financial situation what with Covid affecting both my parents’ jobs. We get by enough for me not to worry too much, but I also hope my dad can get called back to his ship soon just so I can finally exhale with relief.

What about something unimportant, but you can’t stop thinking about it?  My workplace recently introduced this workout challenge thingy for the month of May that we’re invited to join to encourage us to get fit and healthy. I get notifications whenever someone’s able to exercise for the day and it makes me feel super pressured hahahaha. Since I don’t wanna be known as a killjoy co-worker I know I’ll have to take part in it, which I will start on later.

Do you like oatmeal? If so, what kinds of things do you like in it?  No. Back in elementary my grandma made me eat oatmeal every day for breakfast before heading to school, so I don’t ever want to have another bowl of it.

What was going on the last time you felt nostalgic?  My family and I were having a conversation during dinner last night and for some reason it eventually veered towards mine and my sister’s experiences from our first school and how we managed to get up at 5 AM everyday, have classes from 7 AM–4 PM, then get home from anywhere between 5–6 PM for 14 years straight. How tf did we do that and never complain???

How much attention do you pay to the movements of the stars and planets, and do you believe they influence anything?  None.

What is the most difficult or involved video game you’ve ever played?  While I love watching playthroughs, I am not skilled at video games at all and in most video games I’ve played I never made it past the first mission, unless I was playing a Nintendo game that’s already marketed for kids in the first place lol.

Which accent do you find most sexy, alluring or appealing?  There’s a certain British accent I find very pleasant to listen to, but since I know there are a lot of variations I’m just not sure which one it is. I guess an accurate point of reference would be Hugh Grant’s or Florence Pugh’s accent.

Which accent do you find most annoying, disturbing, or bothersome?  None of them.

Can you cry on cue? Is it any kind of useful?  Nope.

Does it take you a while to actually get jokes?  Sometimes.

Can you wear socks to bed or does it annoy you?  I don’t really like the feeling of socks, so no. I find them a bit itchy, and too tight.

Have you ever bleached your hair?  Never done it before.

Do you like jelly beans?  Erm, it would depend on the flavor, I guess. But they aren’t so much my snack of choice. The texture is a bit weird.

Do you have trouble sleeping when it’s storming?  Not at all, I feel a lot cozier when it’s raining hard.

Who was the last person you know that graduated? (high school or college)  Sofie posted her graduation photo not too long ago, so probably her.

Were you happy or sad when you found out your babysitter was coming?  I never had a babysitter because I was the babysitter.

Did you have a boyfriend in kindergarten?  No. I went to an all-girls school, so I didn’t even get to interact with a lot of boys until the middle of high school.

Did you ever read the Magic Treehouse series?  Nope.

Who was your best friend in elementary school?  Angela. I was also friends for a long time with a girl named Jaynie, with whom I actually started to reconnect ever since she found out I was now into BTS. I find it so cool; I don’t think I’ve talked to her since the 2nd grade, 15 years ago.

Did you ever watch The Land Before Time movies?  I didn’t.

Did you collect anything when you were a kid? Stickers. I'd put them on my dresser everywhere to the point it was absolutely covered. < Literally this entire answer; I don’t have any clue how my overly neat mom managed to never spank me for destroying her closet. I also liked collecting Pokemon cards and pogs even though I never knew how to use them. It just felt nice having large stacks of them lol.

Did you get an allowance?  Not until high school. My grandma (and eventually househelp, when we moved) fixed up packed lunches for me and my siblings. When my mom decided to stop having house helpers at home, that’s when she started giving us an allowance to buy recess and lunch ourselves.

Were you into American Girl dolls?  I was never into dolls in general. Since my sister and I were the only girls at home, we were surrounded by toys marketed for boys and that’s what I enjoyed playing with more.

Were you friends with your childhood neighbors?  We played with the neighborhood kids every afternoon but I wouldn’t call them friends. I was a very shy kid and I found them too rowdy for my liking, especially the boys.

What was your biggest fear when you were a kid?  Flying cockroaches. It’s still one of them.

Did you ever play the "Reader Rabbit" computer games?  I don’t think so.

Did your parents let you drink soda growing up? I’m pretty sure they would’ve allowed me to, but I just never liked the feeling of fizzy drinks so I never drank soda anyway.

What was your favorite kind of cake as a kid?  I think I liked mocha sponge cakes growing up, but that has changed now.

[atopearth]

Collar X Malice Part 4 - Shiraishi Kageyuki Route

Lmao that the way to get on Shiraishi's route is to be honest and call him strange hahah. Honestly, Shiraishi isn't my type, but I'm interested in him because he doesn't appear much in the other routes so he's pretty mysterious. I can see why Shiraishi is interested in Ichika though, especially considering he's involved in criminal profiling, it's like Ichika is such a normal girl, why exactly would Adonis be specifically interested in her? I liked how Shiraishi made it plain to Ichika that they needed to co-operate because she definitely wouldn't be able to find anything about a mole in the police force by herself, with no connections etc when others much more capable than her haven't been able to lol. It's actually cute how much Shiraishi seems to like cats, I agree that naming them as numbers is much easier to remember, but at the same time, to recognise 37 different cats? That's pretty amazing in itself lol. Honestly though, when he talked about it was nice to be a cat, getting to be lazy and free, but at the same time living with uncertainty and not knowing when you could die as a "price" of that freedom, it felt pretty sad... Is living freely better or living securely?🤔

Takeuchi (the teacher who taught the guys who died in the September and October cases) is so pretty! Anyway, I actually really like how much Shiraishi and Ichika bump heads with each other, especially considering how different they are, yet how "honest" they both are in the sense that Ichika doesn't hide her dislike towards him, and Shiraishi doesn't hide how much he's "interested" in people like her that he can't understand because they can empathise with others I guess. Personally, in terms of questioning Takeuchi, I would say that I have to agree with Shiraishi's methods, mainly because, I'm sure Takeuchi has been questioned many times, and there would have been many different officers, but probably not one as interested as Shiraishi and Ichika since they actually believe there's more to Hachisuka (the guy that was killed in the September case) than the "perfect" student. But I do think that if they want more information, then Shiraishi's methods would only let you know that there's something more to it, whereas Ichika's methods might get to her better? Anyway, what I really enjoy about their relationship right now is how upfront Ichika is about her feelings and thoughts towards him. I especially liked when she told him that he should remember her name because she felt that it was important for him to remember that so they could trust and respect each other. 

Lmao when Ichika thought she was joining some top secret coalition with Mukai but it was really just a complaining about Shiraishi group that comprised of Sakuragawa🤣 HAHAHA, I was wondering why would Sakuragawa hate Shiraishi but OMG it's super justified. He purposely bothered to have a chef make a "hamburger patty" out of natto just to see her reaction since she absolutely hates it lollll. I would hate him too. Honestly, I love Mukai, and how she handles Shiraishi because he totally deserves it lol. I find it funny how she can be so blunt with him, and lmao that she actually tried to kick him before but missed🤣 Shiraishi spending time every now and then to go and hear Mukai and them complain about him is so sadistically funny lol. Awww Ichika sleeping on his lap is super cuteeee. I wonder what Mukai and Sakuragawa are going to say since Shiraishi implied that they're in that sort of relationship and that's why they left the passed out Ichika (from accidentally chugging Shiraishi's drink) to him, I feel like they'd tell her to reconsider🤣 I wonder if no one ever thanks Shiraishi and that's why he was so surprised when Ichika thanked him for hiding the collar from Sakuragawa and Mukai for her lol. To be fair, considering his personality, I can't imagine anyone thanking him for anything he does lol. Lmao when Mukai and Sakuragawa interrogated Ichika about Shiraishi and her relationship loll, and now they want her to be a spy lmao. I don't know why so many guys like to think it's their responsibility to "teach" the heroine that it's either dangerous to let guys into their homes or to go to the guy's house alone, like seriously!! It's not that we don't think it's dangerous or anything, we just trust you! Like geez. Anyway, Shiraishi definitely went overboard pinning Ichika to the wall, regardless of his intentions, that's scary and unwarranted. Otherwise, I'm impressed Ichika wants to understand Shiraishi better after that. Anyway, I do feel like Shiraishi acted the way he did because he didn't know how to act towards Ichika. Usually he's met with people who either dislike him, don't care or outwardly dislike him, so I feel like Ichika being so nice to cook for him made him feel awkward and not know what to do and act since he's always so sadistic and cynical. I could be wrong though haha.

I forgot to mention it but it's interesting how it was Shiraishi's profiling that ended up catching the culprit 2 years ago when the attempted assassination on the Prime Minister was, since that was the case that changed Okazaki. I really liked how Ichika and Shiraishi finally communicated properly in the sense that they just bothered to talk to each other and try to understand each other. I guess considering his personality, most people would give up on him, so it must be surprising that Ichika is so persistent. I liked how he finally called her by her name haha. Awww, I love how they exchanged the cat straps they got from the gachapon machine. Imagining Shiraishi fiddling with one of those machines, never having played with one is pretty cute haha. Pretty hilarious when Shiraishi got flustered over Ichika saying she preferred him this way (not so weird lol) and he accidentally dropped a stack of papers🤣 I also found it pretty funny when she told him to be careful and he said he didn't need to, and Ichika was like you should practice what you preach since not taking your own advice is dumb😂😂 She totally got him hahahah. Aww Shiraishi thanking Ichika for trusting him was so cuteee. It was really sweet how Shiraishi acknowledged Ichika's efforts in the SCRPO, she really does try her best to listen to the people calling the police to complain and she really takes it all to heart, so it's nice to see how much he recognises her efforts. I wonder if Shiraishi's flashback means that he got experimented on as a child🤔 Anyway, I think I'm really warming up to their relationship. I think it's really cute how "normal" Shiraishi actually is lol. Him getting mad that Ichika was telling Sakuragawa and Mukai that she didn't feel anything for him, and then her running after him just to explain that she doesn't hate him, and then him getting happy and saying it back to her was just so adorable hahaha.

I feel so terrible for the counsellor lady (Uno) who got driven to suicide because of Hachisuka. Like, it was obvious Hachisuka wasn't as "clean" as his records said, but to think that he had so much power over the school because of his mother's "donations" and then couldn't hack that Uno rejected him (since you know she has a husband and kids, like c'mon dude) and then started threatening her + other mental torment from his groupies. It's just crazy to think that she ended up so ballistic (killed her husband and tried to kill her kids but failed and then ended up committing suicide) just because she refused a teenager's "love". That's just so sad.. It's nice to see more of Saeki this time around, it was so funny when he told Shiraishi to take care of Ichika because he believed in the rumours that they were dating. To be fair, he's eating dinner with her at work late at night sharing a lunchbox etc so it's hard to not think that even if they say they aren't lol. I guess those murderous twins are Uno's children? Anyway, I like how even though Shiraishi said a lot of mean stuff and crap to Ichika about everything being a lie, but Ichika decided to believe in the him she spent time with, and that if it was a lie, then he should show her his real self then. Ichika is pretty strong haha. Personally, I'm not a fan of the voice acting for Shiraishi, or maybe it's just Shiraishi himself lolll but I think I do like the progress with their relationship because of how blunt they are with each other. I think her honesty really works well with how sneaky and evasive Shiraishi usually is, since it's difficult for him to handle someone so genuinely kind and appreciative of him as a person haha. Well, Takeuchi's thoughts etc were pretty much expected, but very understandable, I don't think I could ever move on if I felt like I betrayed my friend and left her all alone just to protect myself. And her guilt would make her want to protect Uno's children now.. I'm not sure about Takeuchi's decision to tell Uno's children what really happened with their parents at the young age of 18 but I guess I can understand her thoughts of not wanting them to hate their mother. I guess she regrets it a lot now but yeah...that's sad..

Seeing the story of the Uno siblings was pretty terrible. Such a normal happy family getting crushed was terrible. I think the worst was definitely when their mother murdered their father right in front of them. Anyway, considering Shiraishi's analysis and everything, there's really no new information about their "story" so it's really just watching them struggle between their desires to live but also to die. I'm just glad the siblings had Takeuchi in their lives tbh, otherwise it would have been worse. When Shiraishi said that the feeling of someone needing you makes you think that it's all right to exist, I couldn't help but agree with that. I used to be obstinate with the idea that a person should create their own "value" and I guess their desire to live because in the end, you can't rely on others for your own life, and I guess I still think like that. But at the same time, I feel like there will always be times when another person can be your drive to live, and to make you think that you want to live because of them. Sure, it's not always the healthiest mindset, but at the same time, when you have nothing else to live for, at least having them makes you think that this life is still worth living to an extent even if other things suck. I'm glad that Takeuchi, Shion and Suzune got to properly talk it out and communicate their feelings, but I still find their reason for killing those three people to kinda like "free" Takeuchi rather...silly? Like I guess I can understand their perspective in the sense that they wanted to end things for Takeuchi, but even though they ended that part, they started another part where Takeuchi would feel guilty that her actions led to those decisions that they made. Anyway, I guess the main thing we can be happy about is that they understood well enough that killing themselves would torment Takeuchi much more, but it's still kinda funny that they can understand that but not understand enough to not commit murder. I guess their hatred and emotions needed some sort of outlet, and just because you understand doesn’t mean you won’t do it.

It's understandable for Shiraishi to love cats for their freedom, and I think that's what I love about cats too, well I guess more specifically stray cats or outdoor cats. They don't live according to anyone's schedule, they go out and do what they want, come home when they feel like it and are cute lol. Their lives are much more vibrant than mine and I think that's so interesting. I loved their cat observing date, it was so cute how serious Ichika was about trying to remember each individual cat and writing notes down just because she knew Shiraishi likes them so she wanted to be more engaged in it too. Them holding hands to the supermarket was adorableeee~ Lmao, I love how Ichika lured Kazuki to the office with Yanagi and them by stealing his guitar, I mean of course with how disobedient he is, he'll never go just because she told him so. I guess it's good that Shiraishi helped to make Kazuki more understanding of the seriousness of the situation. 

Hmmm interesting, when Adonis executives were leaked, I'm pretty sure it was Shiraishi, but killing Mikuni (prime minister's son in Adonis) in broad daylight? I'm pretty sure the "voice" Shiraishi talked to throughout the story was Mikuni and he seemed to have some kind of relationship with him that was relatively positive, so hmmm.. Did Zero do something to frame or manipulate Shiraishi? I see, Shiraishi's been brainwashed to practically follow Zero and Adonis... I really liked how there were flashbacks with Ichika and Shiraishi to kinda remind us of everything they've gone through, because even though Shiraishi isn't really a favourite of mine, I did enjoy Ichika and Shiraishi's relationship build up and I can understand why she would believe in the him that he showed to her rather than the him that Zero tells her he is. Hmmm I guess that "good ending" was interesting. I'm kinda disappointed with how things were revealed and how they ended though, like... I'm honestly rather mixed about the whole thing because I feel like Shiraishi's story could have been dealt with much better alongside his feelings, because I found his reasoning to kill Mikuni to gain the trust of Zero just to get Ichika's collar off I don't know...weird? There could have been better ways? But I guess this is how Shiraishi is in his own twisted and brainwashed way so it was understandable that he did it this way? But at the same time, I agree with Ichika about if he really loved her that much, why couldn't he find a method where they could live on together instead of this. Anyway, I wanted to call Shiraishi selfish for keeping Ichika with him when she was in a coma when she could have gone to a hospital etc, but knowing Ichika, I'm sure she would have wanted to spend as much time as she could with Shiraishi before he atoned for his crimes. And, he did seem to be in regular communication with Yanagi and them, so I'm glad Kazuki didn't have to think she died and stuff, but I’m still iffy because considering Kazuki and stuff, I wouldn’t trust this random with my sister lol. Anyway, it's a bittersweet ending, but I did enjoy how everything ended with the Christmas party they promised to celebrate together. That tragic love ending CG was really beautiful though! And I'm glad to finally see an ending where Ichika gets practically brainwashed and joins Adonis after failing to save Shiraishi, and inversely Shiraishi failing to protect her and her heart. Although I kinda still find it unlikely that she would be able to kill Yanagi and them but who knows, doesn't really matter I guess.

Overall, I have mixed feelings about Shiraishi. He's definitely not my type but I did enjoy how Ichika and Shiraishi kinda bounced off each other with their differences and personal values. They were always upfront with what they thought and honest about what they liked, what they didn't like and I think their relationship was done really nicely. They had a lot of cute moments such as visiting the stray cats and holding hands etc and I honestly feel like I should have liked Shiraishi, but I actually don't lol. Like, I guess I liked their relationship, but his story and everything didn't resonate with me. Personally, I feel like the greatest setback for this route was actually that it focused too much on building the romance and neglected Shiraishi's background with Adonis, his feelings and thoughts, and his relationship with Mikuni that ended up hurting him because he basically killed him to help Ichika. I feel like everything about Shiraishi and Adonis at the end was like an information dump about how Adonis takes care of orphans to raise as their officers or whatever, which imo felt kinda weird because supposedly so many of them exist but they’re never a part of the story in any way, and why do they bother trying to find people like Ichika to become executors other than to use them as scapegoats or something, but the core of the X-Day plans basically has nothing to do with these officers? Anyway, I just found the whole thing with Shiraishi and Adonis to be handled poorly and I think it could have made a bigger impact on me if they bothered to focus a bit more on it throughout the route instead of just at the end where it honestly didn't make me feel anything for him or the whole thing. I sound so slack lolll, but the biggest indication that I really didn't enjoy it that much was when I straight away went into Yanagi's story afterwards loll. I usually need time to digest when I finish a route, but yeah I think I was pretty disappointed with Shiraishi and his route. But I do like how it was different to the others since it's not really a "happy ending" considering he's a criminal etc, so that was interesting, but I feel sorry for the people that would have wanted something happier. Anyhow, really liked the romance development and their relationship but not so much the Adonis stuff surrounding Shiraishi, however the Uno siblings were nice “villains” for this route.

[patagucci34]

I Told You Not To Fall In Love With Me

So I whipped this up at work, I’m well aware that some of the timeline/storyline isn’t true to real life, but I thought it would make for a good story. Also, the reader is meant to be 22, so closer to Haydn’s age but a little older than Andrei. Enjoy!

Word Count: ~4000  

"I told you not to fall in love with me…"

Those famous words. I had heard them before, I don't know why it's coming as a shock to me now. He was right, I had been warned.

~~~~~~~~

I met Haydn through Andrei. I had known Andrei for years, so when I moved to Raleigh he made a point to introduce me to everyone on the team so I could make some friends. The night I met Haydn was at a small get together at Brock McGinn's place. We didn't talk much that night but I kept sneaking glances at him and every once in a while I noticed he was sneaking one back.

Our interactions stayed like that for a while. Never talking to each other but meeting each other's gazes frequently throughout the night. I remember at one point, he was all over another girl, and mid-make out, he stared me down. I was very uncomfortable but also couldn't break his gaze. He flashed a smile before turning his attention back to the blonde.

About a week later, we finally had a real conversation. It was at brunch the morning after a wild night out. I was highly unwell, and really not even in the mood to be out of my bed, but Andrei dragged me with him.  

"You look chipper this morning." I turned to see who had the audacity to say that to me, thinking it would be Brock, I was surprised to see that it was Haydn approaching me.

I flashed a smile, "I'm always chipper…"

"Even after the night you had?"

I looked at him quizzically, "and how do you know about my night?"

He let out a big laugh, "exactly my point." He said as he kept walking to the table.

I stopped at the sudden realization that he could have been a part of my blackout night. I quickened my pace to catch up to him.

"What do you mean, 'exactly'? What did I do last night?"

"You really don't remember?"

"No, the last thing I remember is taking shots with Andrei and Teuvo, I don't even remember going to the club."

"Oh boy…"

I started to grow really impatient with him especially since that dumb smirk has not left his face and he's clearly enjoying this.

"Tell me right now, Haydn."

He put his hands up in surrender. "Okay, okay, it's not as bad as you're thinking…you walked off at the club. Everyone was busy dancing and talking so no one really noticed, I saw you leave and just thought you were going to the bathroom but kept an eye on you and walked right out the door…"

My eyes widened, not really knowing where this was going, but he continued on.

"…so I obviously followed you, you're pretty quick by the way, by the time I got out the door you were down the street. I ran to catch up to you but you had stopped and started puking on the side of a building."

"Oh my god." My face was the color of a tomato and I put my face in my hands. Haydn started laughing at my embarrassment and put his hand on my back.

"It's okay, Y/N. We've all been there. And you're lucky I'm a good guy, I could have kept the night going and allowed you to embarrass yourself more, but I took you home and put you to bed."

"Wait, I thought that was Andrei…?"

"Nope, it was me."

"Oh, well thank you, I'm sorry I was such a mess."

He chuckled a bit and assured me again that it was fine. We talked a bit more throughout brunch, actually getting to know each other, it was  nice. But I knew I was getting myself into something that I couldn't handle. I was already falling for him and I barely even knew him.

~~~~~~~~~

A week later, I found myself at Andrei's pregaming with some of his teammates, one of them being Haydn. I hadn't talked to him since brunch, but much to my surprise I was greeted with a hug when he walked through Andrei's door. I had already decided I was going much easier on the alcohol tonight because of last weekend's events, and the fact that Haydn would be here again.

I had just finished my first drink and went into the kitchen to grab another. Andrei and Haydn were in there talking and when I walked in, it got suspiciously quiet. I eyed them both as I opened the fridge.

"I thought you were taking it easy tonight?" Andrei asked cheekily.

"Ha ha, I am. This is only my second drink." I said glaring back at him.

"I don't know, I wouldn't mind another show tonight," Haydn said reaching past me to grab another beer for himself.

Andrei and Haydn both laughed until they saw me glaring back at them.

"I'm sorry, it's not funny…" Haydn said still trying to stifle a laugh because Andrei just kept on laughing.

I flashed a smile to let them know I was just messing, "it's okay, it's actually pretty funny. But I'm not doing that again tonight!" I exclaimed walking out of the kitchen with my beer.

A little while later, more people had shown and it seemed to be turning more into a party and that we wouldn't be going out. Which was fine with me. I like hanging out and mingling more than going to rage at the clubs. My plans to not go as hard didn't really work out in the end, although I wasn't as worse for wear as I was last weekend, I definitely had too much to drink. Much to my dismay, I have memories of it. I woke up in Andrei's spare bed, which wasn't uncommon. I spent a lot of nights there, however, there was someone next to me that looked a lot like Haydn. I groaned inwardly, and tried to be as quiet as I could to get out of bed. I made my out in the kitchen where Andrei was busy making breakfast.

He gave me a big grin when he saw me walk in which made me think he knows about his sleeping teammate in the other room.

"Please, don't speak yet." I said stopping him as he opened his mouth to say something. He laughed instead and went back to cooking.

I grabbed a mug and poured myself some coffee before sitting at the counter to watch Andrei. A few minutes had gone by before Andrei spoke up, "are you ready to be a human being now?"

I gave him a pointed look, "I guess so, why?"

"Well are you just gonna sit there and watch me or are you going to help?"

I sighed, "I suppose I can help you…" I got up and walked around to help finish. Luckily, he hadn't really said anything about Haydn, just making small talk about plans for the week and stuff like that. Once we were done, he asked me to grab plates, "make it three, so your boy can have some food too," he said winking as he stalked off to go wake him up.

I rolled my eyes, cursing myself for thinking he would let me off that easy. Just a few minutes later, a sleepy Haydn trailed Andrei into the kitchen.

"Good morning," he said to me with a smile.

"Morning," I said back while handing him a plate.

We all made small talk while we ate and we all tag teamed cleaning up. Andrei headed off down the hall leaving the two of us alone for a little.

"So, are you headed out soon?" He asked me.

"Yeah, I've got some work to do, so I'll probably head back to my place in a little bit."

"I can bring you, if you'd like." He said quietly.

"Sure, that would be nice." I said with a small smile.

A little while later we said our goodbyes to Andrei and headed on our way.

"So, how long have you known Andrei for?" Haydn asked breaking the silence in the car.

"Since we were about 5. My family moved to Russia when I was 4 and my dad worked with his dad and our families became close."

"Oh, I didn't realize you lived in Russia. Does your family still live there?"

"No, we moved back to Canada when I was like 16."

"Did you move here because of Andrei?"

"Um, I mean not really. I guess it was part of it, it was definitely a pro, but I probably would have come here anyway."

"Gotcha, you guys are really close."

"Yeah, we kept in touch after I left, but obviously it wasn't the same. We've gotten a lot closer since I came here."

"Yeah, he says you're a really good friend to have with the whole hockey thing."

"Ohh, yeah. I understand how it is, so he vents a lot to me, and I understand that he has a tough schedule."

"How come you understand it so well?"

"Oh, he didn't tell you?"

"No…tell me what?"

"Umm, Matt Martin is my brother…"

Haydn's mouth dropped, "he's your brother???"

"Half-brother, but yeah."

"How come I didn't know this???"

"I'm not sure…I'm surprised Andrei didn't say anything to anyone."

"That's crazy. But you didn't grow up with him?"

"Not really...we have the same mom, but he stayed in Canada with his dad when we moved to Russia. He would come to Russia in the summers or when he had a break or something. Even when we moved back he was playing in the NHL, so I didn't really get to see him much."

"Huh, I can't believe I never knew that."

I laughed at his amazement of the whole situation.

"He's always scared the shit out of me…"

I laughed even harder, "yeah, I mean, I won't lie and say that I've never been scared of him, but most of the time he's actually just a big teddy bear."

He laughed a little, "you've been scared of him?"

"I mean, I wouldn't say scared scared, there was the normal brother/sister fights. But I think the time I was most scared of him I was like 16? My parents were gone for a week over the summer and Matt was staying with me because I didn't have my license yet, so he was carting me around everywhere. Anyway, he told me he was going to be gone all day with some old friends, so I had a guy over…he came back earlier than planned and walked in on us. Needless to say, he was pissed, and I was scared of what he was going to do…"

"What did he do?"

"He kicked the guy out obviously, very aggressively…and then screamed at me on and off for the rest of the day…"

"Yikes…"

"Yeah, it wasn't fun, haha. But oh well."

"Yeah, so now he definitely scares the shit out of me. Maybe let's not mention last night to him??"

"Believe me, for both of our sakes, he won't know."

Just a few minutes later we pulled up to my building.

"Thank you for the ride." I said smiling at him.

"Anytime, Y/N. I had fun last night." He said flashing a smile.

I rolled my eyes playfully, "see you around."

He waved as I walked into my building, I turned around once I got in the door and saw him pulling away. I shook my head at myself, this was not going to be good.

~~~~~~

Haydn started hanging out quite a bit, mostly just to hook up, but we would get dinner together, or get take out, and hang for a bit before or after. We had talked about how we weren't going to put a label on it, and he told me time and time again that I can't fall in love with him. I always hated when he said that to me, at first, I was just annoyed because he didn't want to be exclusive and he just sounded like an asshole. But it wasn't even the not being exclusive part that bothered me so much. I was all for keeping my options open, but it was the way he treated me when we were together. He wasn't an asshole when we were together, and that made it just twice as hard.  He was so sweet and kind, and that made me fall in love with him.

At first, I was able to handle it. I knew I was falling and I knew that I shouldn't be, so I tried to suppress any sort of feelings I had. But it just got harder and harder. At one point, I tried ignoring him because I knew I couldn't keep doing this to myself. However, it just ended up making things worse.

It was a Friday night, I had just gotten home from a late night at work, excited to pour myself a glass of wine and just relax and watch Netflix. I had just sat down on the couch and turned on the TV when my phone started ringing, I picked it up and saw Andrei's face on the screen, I rolled my eyes but answered his FaceTime call.

"Hey, Y/N. You coming over tonight?"

"Nope." I said raising my glass of wine and turning the camera so he could do me settled in on the couch.

"Aw, come on, why not?"

"Andrei, I had such a long day, I'm not in the mood."

"But you need to talk to Haydn…" he whined.

"And why do I need to do that?"

"He hasn't shut up all week about how he hasn't heard from you."

"That sounds like a you problem."

"Well, why haven't you talked to him all week?"

"I don't know, Andrei, I didn't know I had to."

"You have been, so why the sudden change?"

"I've just been busy, I don't see the big deal."

"I don't know, it seems like a big deal to him, maybe you should talk to him."

"Well if he's that upset about it, why doesn't he come talk to me?"

"I don't know, y/n, he's weird. He probably won't reach out, but he's driving the team crazy."

"So why should I have to reach out just because he won't? That's the whole issu---" My rant was interrupted by a knock on the door. Andrei and I looked at each other through the screen with wonder in our eyes. I got up to go see who it was. I sighed when I opened the door and saw who was there.

"Speak of the devil…I gotta go, Andrei. I'll talk to you later." I hung up after he said goodbye and I let Haydn in.

"Devil, huh? You were talking about me?" He asked as we sat down on my couch.

"Yeah, he was telling me how you're driving the team nuts because you won't shut up about how I haven't talked to you all week…"

He blushed a bit and looked in his lap, "yeah…I'm sorry, it's just…I, I guess I didn't realize how much we actually talk every day, and you calm me down after a stressful day, and it's been an awful week not having you there to talk to."

"I'm sorry, I've just been really busy…" I had debated telling him why I was ignoring him, but his sincerity and just how sad he looked made me feel too bad to do it, and just like that, I was sucked back in. We spent the night together cuddling on the couch watching romcoms.

The next morning when I woke up to an empty bed, my stomach sank. I knew he had gotten up for morning skate, but just the thought I was sucked right back in was enough to ruin my mood for the day.

Andrei's family was in town for the game this weekend, so I had been planning on going to the game to see them. I sat with his parents, and it was nice to catch up with them because I hadn't seen them in a few years. I went down to the locker rooms with them after the game. We were meeting Andrei and then going to go to dinner. I wasn't really sure what would happen if I saw Haydn. I hadn't been to many games because of my work schedule, so I wasn't sure what would happen, especially since I had heard that he invites girls to games sometimes. I tried to prepare myself for the worst, and was assuming every girl I didn't recognize was there for Haydn.

I had become distracted when Andrei came out and we were chatting with a few of his teammates. However, I looked over and saw the tail end of Haydn hugging some girl and then kissing her before taking her hand and guiding her out of the arena. My face fell immediately and Andrei noticed, he put his arm around me and squeezed my shoulder. I looked up at him and he gave me a sad smile. I smiled back to try and make it seem like I was fine, but he knew I wasn't. He interrupted the conversation so we could get going. I tried to have a good time at dinner, but just couldn't stop thinking about Haydn and that girl. Andrei took me back to my place and insisted on staying in with me.

"No, it's okay, go out with the team. I'm fine."

"Y/N, I know you're not fine."

"Andrei, it's okay, really."

He looked at me with sad eyes, "I'm not leaving."

I sighed. "fine, but I really don't want to talk about it."

"Okay." He said and led me to the couch where we watched movies all night. I tried not to think of Haydn's whereabouts with that girl or what they were doing but it was really hard not to. Usually I don't see the girls he hangs out with, but now that I've seen a face, I can't get it out of my head.

The next night I got a text from Haydn.

Hey babe, you wanna come over tonight?

I knew that I shouldn't go over. If I had any self-respect, I wouldn't. But I just couldn't help it.

Sure, I'll be over in a little bit.

Our night was pretty normal, although I was definitely a bit detached and I think he could tell. There was a little tension at the beginning but as always, once we made it to the bedroom everything sorted out. I left late in the night after not having been able to sleep. My thoughts were keeping me up and I knew that I couldn't keep doing this.

I decided to try and wean off of him again. I would go a few days without talking to him or seeing him. It seemed to be working, each time I'd go a little longer without reaching out. They had a long road trip coming up and I thought it was the perfect opportunity to really break things off. He had wanted to hang out the night before they left but I made up some excuse. I tried to keep the texting to a minimum throughout the week they were gone and I thought I had been successful when they got back and I hadn't heard from him in a few days.

After the last time I tried ignoring him, I figured he'd put up more of a fight, but maybe he'd found some other girl to replace me with.

It was hard thinking about, and it was hard not talking to him, but I was starting to move on with my life.

I was starting to feel better about everything until one night I heard a knock on my door. It had been a week since they had been back and a week since we had last spoken. I opened the door and Haydn was standing there with Chinese takeout in his hands. He had a sheepish look on his face and asked if he could come in. I stepped to the side so he could get past me, he started walking to the kitchen as I closed the door. I took my time following him and by the time I had gotten the kitchen he had plates out and was almost done setting up the food. We ate in silence, and it was beginning to annoy me. Did he just think he could come and act like everything was fine? We haven't really spoken in almost two weeks, is he really that thick in the head that he thinks nothing is wrong? My actions seemed to have gotten caught up with my thoughts and the wine that I was pouring into my glass started overflowing. I was torn from thoughts by Haydn's voice.

"Y/N, stop!" He said taking the bottle of wine out of my hand and getting up to grab towels.

"Oh, shit. Sorry, I wasn't paying attention."

I got up to help him clean it up but he stopped me, "don't worry about it, I got it." He finished cleaning it up and sat back down.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

I nodded and kept eating.

"You can talk to me you know…"

"Yeah, I know."

"Is there a reason you haven't been talking to me?"

"I don't really want to get into it now."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want to talk about it right now, Haydn."

"I'm sorry you don't want to talk about it, but I have a right to know."

"Okay, fine. I haven't been talking to you because I can't do this anymore. When we hang out, when we FaceTime, when you call me after a bad game, or call me after a good game, it all just makes me fall in love with you even more. I'm in love with you Haydn. And I know you don't feel the same. You tell me time and time again not to fall in love with you. But I can't help it. So I can't see you anymore, I can't talk to you." I had tears streaming down my face at this point, I was looking down because I didn't want to see his reaction.

"I told you not to fall in love with me."

I rolled my eyes, not surprised at his insincerity, I wiped my tears and started to get up, but he grabbed my hand to pull me back down.

"I told you not to fall in love with me because of who I am. I knew that I couldn't give you the love that you deserve. I was trying to protect you, now I'm realizing that I only hurt you more. It kills me that I'm the source of your hurt, and I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot to think that I was ever protecting your heart. But now, I want to. I want to really protect your heart. I want you to fall in love with me because  I want to fall in love with you…I am in love with you."

My tears started rolling again and  I didn't know what to say. Obviously, this is what I wanted all along but how could I trust he won't break my heart again? I think he could sense my hesitancy…he wiped my tears and we sat in silence for a moment longer.

"I know it might be hard for you to trust me, but we can take it slow, start over. I'll prove to you that I love you and only you. Please, y/n." He took my chin in his hand and I looked into his eyes. He looked sincere, he looked fragile, as if I were to say no he would break into a thousand tiny pieces.

"Okay," I said softly. He smiled and kissed me as passionately as I had ever been kissed before.