#but with alarming regularity i see people dig their heels in that their perception is the only one that could even be POSSIBLE

[ghilan-maim]

i also think its weird when someone talks about an issue theyve been seeing and people go "youre just making up problems"

like. have you considered that maybe you arent omnipotent and arent aware of every single discourse in the world? and that just because you havent personally experienced it doesnt mean it doesnt exist?

wild, i know. i'll let you have a moment to let it settle in.

[euphemeria]

Silence (YR 1) - WRN: anxiety triggers

I wrote a thing for clumsychappy’s work. It’s at 42k right now, but I’m lacking motivation to finish it so I’m just gonna excerpt some of the parts that are decent until I can find the resolve and time to finish it.

I did so much research into this fic that it’s pretty sad that it’s so shit. I wish I was a better writer. These things all sound better in your head than on paper or word documents.

Between accompanying Orihime and bothering Rukia, Ichigo finds his time preoccupied compared to his first week of summer vacation. Ichigo refuses to admit brooding those first few days after Mizuiro and Keigo left, but will honestly admit bored the last few days after aimlessly wandering Tokyo and listlessly staring at his apartment ceiling. Although his promenading in Tokyo wasn't completely wasted since he discovers a bar that he actually doesn't mind too much.

The Black Cat is situated at the end of a cloister of stores and restaurants, almost blending in with the shops surrounding it if Ichigo didn't notice the pulse of music coming from it one night. Inside, the bar's dim, color-alternating lighting sets the atmosphere, exuding class and secrecy. Even from just one look, no touching, Ichigo can tell the bar is made from real mahogany wood, glinting dangerously underneath the low lighting. But for looking so sophisticated, the price is pretty reasonable and it attracts a variety of people with the thrumming music felt from below the establishment, where the later night activities tend to occur.

Yoruichi, the manager, knows Ichigo by name, not because he frequents the place that often but because he literally and accidentally stepped on the black cat his first night there. Yowling, the feline had darted up the hidden stairs behind the bar, notifying Yoruichi of the incident when she caught sight of the cat's tail. He almost got thrown out for that, but after tiring of his apologies she plied him with drinks to shut him up. After that--which Ichigo can't recall for the life of him--she always teases him like they have been good friends for years. 

Ichigo also hasn't seen that black cat no matter how many times he's gone back.

He can't get it out of his mind either since Rukia likes to remind him of his cat murderer status, every time. Yoruichi assures him that it’s doing fine too, "It'll show up when it wants to."

Which is how he finds himself heading out to the Black Cat every night just to prove his point to Rukia, oftentimes dragging her along to bear witness to his innocence. Rukia puts up a fight every time, kicking and digging her heels in, but surrenders once they're around the corner. Ichigo likes to think it's because she gets to pet and feed the other stray cats that hang around the establishment.

"You play with the cats and I'll be inside." Ichigo tells her every time they do this. Rukia simply sticks her tongue out at him, then resumes her deadly rub down on the furry victim of the night.

'Those poor cats.' Ichigo can't help thinking as he slips back through the backdoor of the Black Cat, heading towards the stairs that lead down to the lower floor, dubbed 'Grounds' by the regulars, whom Ichigo has slowly become acquainted with:

There's Matsumoto Rangiku, a third year in Sociology, who's more like a resident than a customer. From what he hears, Yoruichi always finds her in the morning passed out in random places of the Black Cat. There's even a small room built for her in the bar now, for her to properly pass out in. Ichigo suspects the bedding is still brand new.

Hitsugaya Toshiro, a third year in Mathematics. He doesn't speak often and tends to occupy the least crowded space in the Grounds.

Madarame Ikkaku, a second year in Engineering, that likes to butt heads with Ichigo constantly. One time they nearly drank down Yoruichi's entire bar, almost forcing her to close for the night. When they kept going at it though, she billed their open tab plus collateral damage for all their drunken shenanigans to their respective address. Upon receiving it, they both understood it was a threat. Ichigo's tried behaving ever since, but sometimes Ikkaku makes it too easy to be destructive.

Ayasegawa Yumichika, a second year in Oriental History with eccentric tastes and a narcissistic personality. When Ichigo first met Yumichika, the vain male had commented on Ichigo's drool-worthy form and firmness that Ichigo's been unable to erase from his memories. So, he avoids being alone with the upperclassmen. Based on their interactions though, Ichigo assumes Ikkaku and Yumichika have a history together. They bicker like an old married couple.

And then there's Hirako Shinji and his gang of friends that Ikkaku cautions against associating with, but doesn't explain why. Regardless, Ichigo gives them a wide berth. Although, when he catches Hirako talking to a frozen, wide-eyed Rukia in her usual spot of the alleyway, Ichigo throws a punch at the blonde without thinking. Perceptive, Hirako dodges it easily with a mocking laugh and biting words, "Want to try that again, boy?"

Provoked, Ichigo prepares to throw another punch but stops when Rukia's own fist flies past him, landing squarely on the side Hirako’s face. Stunned, Ichigo and Shinji remain fixed in their position, Ichigo with his fist still in mid-air and Hirako on the concrete with his hand accessing the damage. From this angle, Ichigo can't see what is happening, if anything is happening at all, but something must be if Rukia's clenching hands at her sides and Shinji's resigned expression are any indication.

"Did that idiot do something stupid again?" A voice from behind Ichigo asks.

Looking over his shoulders, Ichigo sees the short, pigtail pipsqueak that's always hanging around Hirako. Ichigo remembers Hirako calling out her name on several occasions, Hiyori or Hiyoko*?

"I deserved it this time." Hirako divulges, allowing Hiyori to help him up.

"You deserve it every time." Hiyori corrects with a scowl, poking the bruise that's already starting to form on Hirako’s face.

"Oooowwww oww! Not the face!" Hirako pleads, his screams cut off when the resounding shut of the back door to the Black Cat closes.

Left alone now, Ichigo approaches Rukia, coming around her so she can see him, not wanting to alarm her. They stand like that for what seems like the end of the hour, Ichigo waiting and Rukia agitated. With a deep, long exhale though, Rukia's tension slowly begins to ebb. Only when Rukia finally untucks her chin, meeting Ichigo's eyes, does Ichigo ask, "You alright?"

Rukia closes her eyes briefly, as if thinking of the answer. It's slow to come, but the unconscious subtle bob of her head answers Ichigo's concerns for her and they leave it at that. Ichigo should've known better than to accept that as her answer though.

Especially when the subsequent nights at the Black Cat start changing Ichigo and Rukia's routine.

Rukia no longer plays with the cats in the alleyway instead mingles with the crowds in the Grounds. Although she doesn't mingle so much as stand next to Toshiro or is hauled to the dance floor by a drunk Rangiku, only to be promptly abandoned after the busty woman finds her next prey. Sometimes Ichigo will catch her talking to Shinji or his friends, her lips appearing to move as if she were actually conversating, but Ichigo blames it on the flashing lights or alcohol in his system. There is no way Rukia is actually speaking to someone, let alone someone she just punched by way of introduction.

It takes Urahara, the owner of the bar who appears and disappears randomly, pulling Ichigo aside before he starts realizing something is off.

"Kurosaki-kun! You're practically here every night now, you know?" Urahara emerges from a random sliding door next to the wall Ichigo is leaning on, nearly scaring the younger man.

"What the hell, Urahara!" Ichigo yells, backing away from the enigmatic bar-owner. Ichigo could've sworn that wall he was previously leaning against was as smooth as his last drink.

"I can't but notice that Kuchiki-san is spending more time down here than outside with the cats."

"I guess. Maybe she wanted a change in scenery?" Ichigo scoffs, searching the said woman out in the swarm of bodies and bright lights. Rangiku pulled her into the middle of the floor earlier with promises of showing her the proper moves of the hips.

Ichigo finds it difficult to immerse himself into the sway of the music, company of his friends, and drinking games when he knows Rukia is nearby. So, the past few days have been spent sulking like Toshiro while keeping his eyes trained on Rukia. Eyes that Rukia sense even in the intensity of the Grounds or feel dancing on her skin amid a throng of people. Rukia's berated him about it several times, comparing him to a guard dog to drive her point across.

Still, Ichigo couldn’t shake off the urge to seek her out. In fact, he’s never been able to since the start.

"I don't know Kuchiki-san personally, but I hardly think this is her kind of scene." Urahara frowns at Ichigo's nonchalance.

"I thought so too until a few days ago when she wanted to join me down here." Ichigo defends himself at Urahara's accusative look.

"And you weren't curious about the sudden change of heart?"

"Of course I was!" Ichigo retorts in annoyance at Urahara's persistence about this, "But I didn't think to ask her becau--"

"Because she probably wouldn't have told you." Urahara finishes for him as if he was privy to their relationship from just one glance.

"If you know then why are you asking, shaggy-clogs?"

"I don't know." Urahara smiles mysteriously at Ichigo before becoming the most serious Ichigo has ever seen, "But I do know where she goes two times a night when she's down her in the Ground."

"What?" Ichigo’s eyes widen.

"Don't you ever notice how she disappears around the same time? How pale and sweaty she looks afterwards? The way she smells sometimes, and I'm not talking about the alcohol." Urahara hints and with each observation he lists Ichigo's head starts thinking instead of noticing and feeling.

"Shit." Ichigo curses, having pieced it all together.

"Yoruichi has already secured the ladies room." Urahara imparts to Ichigo who has already taken off.

While pushing his way through the sweaty bodies of the Ground, Ichigo can't help admonishing himself,

'How stupid of you.'

'Why did it take this long for you to realize?'

'When did Urahara notice? Yoruichi?'

And specifically, 'Why didn't she say anything?'

Finally, out of the fog of the Grounds and in the lull of Black Cat's main room, Ichigo's head starts spinning from the sudden expend in energy and shift in his surroundings, but he doesn't take a moment for himself at all, only thinking of Rukia.

"Ichigo! Wait!" Yoruichi attempts to stop the younger man, but Ichigo ignores her pleas, brushing her off as he pushes open the door to the lady's lavatory.

It's eerily quiet and spotless as if there's no one in here, but Ichigo already knows once he steps into the restroom that someone is in here. Ichigo doesn't have to look into every stall to know where Rukia is, his feet already taking him to the one she's hiding in: the one furthest from the entrance.

With shaky hands and trepidation, Ichigo knocks lightly on the unlocked door of the stall. He doesn't want to enter without Rukia's permission, but he's also too anxious to just stand around that he starts speaking without realizing it, "Rukia. Rukia? Are you ok? Talk to me? ...Just say something if you're fine so I know, un?"

Silence.

Ichigo almost feels his heart stop when he hears slight movement from behind the door and then a cry of anguish that steals his breath and thoughts.

"I'm sorry, Rukia. I'm coming in." Ichigo announces before cracking the door wide enough to slide through.

The first thing Ichigo notices in the dark stall is the smell, poignant enough to halt him. Closer to the source now, it smells of putrid acid with a heavy air of self-doubt and self-contempt, with all of it coming from the wretched form draped over the toilet.

"Rukia!" Ichigo calls out, kneeling on the floor to take a better look at his friend. Lifting Rukia's head, Ichigo sweeps her hair back from her face while wiping her face with the hem of his shirt. She looks out of it from what little light filters in from over the stall. Fearing for the worst, Ichigo promptly checks her vitals while supporting her neck. From Rukia’s erratic breathing, her airways aren’t blocked. Feeling her pulse, Ichigo confirms that she’s in no danger, even if her pulse is slower than normal. Her hands are cold, but her face is warm: signs of a panic attack passing. Upon closer inspection too, she's so very pale and perspiring.

Ichigo concedes to call for medical emergency if Rukia doesn’t rouse within a few minutes.

“Rukia.” Ichigo whispers as if he’s afraid of the quiet.

“Rukia.” Ichigo tries again, this time louder.

When that doesn’t seem to work, he tries a more physical approach: shaking her gently, pinching the pads of her fingers, rubbing the warmth back into her body, and unconsciously stroking her pulse points as if that would be enough to shock the life back into her.

After having done everything in his ability and training, Ichigo succumbs to his emotions and as a [last ditch] effort collapses back against the wall of the stall with Rukia. Tucked in between his arms and legs, Ichigo keeps repeating her name, hoping it would rouse her. Only when his lips are almost brushing the pinna of her left ear does Rukia start to stir, mumbling incoherently, except her noises quickly dissolve into broken garbling cries as she tries to claw out from within Ichigo's body caging her in.

Heart seizing, Ichigo struggles to remain the calm one all through the noises escaping Rukia like gurgling glass. He tries to calm her first by reassuring her that she's fine, that there's no danger, that it's just him--Ichigo--but when her movements grow even more frantic, he worries she'll hurt herself if she keeps struggling. So, he does the only thing sure enough to stop her: Ichigo clamps his legs together, tighter, restricting Rukia's thrashing then cups Rukia's face between his hands and leans forward, sealing his lips over hers.

Rukia stills instantly, eyes flying open in surprise as chaotic violets finally meet honey amber.

When they part, eyes still on each other, Rukia's expression morphs in inconsolable anguish. So close to each other, Ichigo sees it all, her fall from grace: in the way the light dies in her eyes, the way her brows crease severely, the way the lines around her eyes sink further into her skin, the way the bottom of her lips glisten, wet from his kiss, and quiver. Tormented, Ichigo tucks her further into his arms while trying to erase her expression from his mind before his heart is crushed against it.

Nestled against chest, with her breath against his neck, Rukia mouths apologies into Ichigo's skin. Ichigo's only reply is to hold her even tighter like the vice around his heart, suffocating him and rendering him broken.