#but why does my post workout drink feel like a punishment?

[astuteobservations]

they should invent a protein powder that tastes good

[ariaste]

Hello hello! If it’s all right with you, I would like to vent for a moment: Back in the day, I used to be really into BBC Sherlock. I know it was bad, but it was “Be Gay (solve) Crimes” and I couldn’t resit. One of my favorite parts of the fandom was reading fan metas. I enjoyed reading your ridiculously long meta! I am not very clever and I enjoy reading people noticing things that I can’t. It’s fun watching people passionately pick up clues and put them together.

I don’t think I’m the only one getting superwholock flashbacks lately. Sherlock also tried an unreliable narrator in S4 and it was an absolute shit show. People thought thought the finale was fake, it was so bad. TBH, the entire show was a dumpster fire that thought it was more clever than it was. Moffat was a good writer for single episodes for DW, but a garbage show runner. And they called us crazy for picking up what they were putting down.

But Good Omens gives me a spark of hope. It is unashamedly queer, fun, drinks its respecting women juice, and, unlike moffatiss, I think Neil and the crew may actually be clever enough to pull something big off. I adore the Discworld series and Sir Terry, and I have faith Neil will to do right by him.

Good Omens is restoring my faith in nerdy queer fiction and reminding me why I love fandom so much. Please keep up the crackhead theories. I love them 💕

Thank you, that's very kind!

(Ended up writing a very long reply about the response to my essay and also about queerness in media. Idk why i am writing such long posts these days SORRY LOL. Anyway I'm putting it all beneath the cut so I can tag it without clogging people's dash or the tag pages)

It does make me sigh a little when I see people scornfully comparing my long essay to The Johnlock Conspiracy or saying that they're having Sherlock flashbacks, because the both the contexts of the shows and the methodology of the theorizing are VERY different. To my mind, a more direct comparison of methodology would be the Gravity Falls fandom's "Stan Has A Secret Twin" theory. Writers and showrunners DO like being sneaky and clever from time to time, and many of them are much better at it than Moffat is.

But whether or not my theory is right or not is... kind of irrelevant to me? I wasn't out to force anyone to agree with me, AND writing it was a really fun way to spend a weekend, AND I'm proud of the work I did and the story I told, AND it felt good to have a satisfying workout at the Brain Gym. So even if I'm proven utterly and completely wrong, I won't feel like I wasted my time. :)

Good Omens is a great show, and I am SO HAPPY to see it (and other shows!) embracing queerness, sharing the fans' enthusiasm for the story, and honoring and respecting the fans' love rather than punishing them for it. As more and more time goes on, I think we're going to see more and more shows like that, because some of the people who grew up reading tumblr discourse are going to be showrunners themselves one day, and they'll have learned serious lessons about what it feels like when the audience is met with love rather than disgust and disdain. In fact, we're ALREADY seeing more shows like that than we had 10 years ago! There is so much canonical queerness on-screen these days that the me of 10-15 years ago is ASTONISHED and feels wealthy beyond counting. Of course, there is so much further to go, but man... when i was a kid, we had to walk uphill in the snow both ways just to see two dudes making sustained emotional eye contact, and we were grateful for it. (Jokes but also.... kind of real tho)

We've seen the exact same thing happen in scifi/fantasy publishing in the last seven or eight years, too! (Went off on a long tangent about Queerness In Media from an insider perspective, continuing below a cut so I don't clutter everyone's dash)

Even as recently as 2013--ten years ago--you might not have even been able to get your book published if it was openly gay. Hell, you might not have been able to get an agent to represent it, even. It would have been labeled "unmarketable" and passed over; if it DID get published, the queerness would have been camouflaged and downplayed and hidden in the marketing as much as possible--you wouldn't have known by looking at the cover that it was queer, you wouldn't have been able to tell by reading the back cover that it was queer. In literally 2016, seven years ago, a few months before I got my first book deal, I remember having a conversation with a friend and being very very worried that if I wrote books as queer as I wanted them to be, I would be "pigeonholed" as "ONLY writing Gay Books", that I would be passed over for any of the publisher's marketing budget and publicity efforts, that I would be sidelined and ignored... In 2016, I thought I was facing a choice of writing stories with more "mainstream appeal" OR writing the books I wanted to write and potentially undermining the rest of my career.

That didn't happen, thankfully, because in the next couple years there was this incredible explosion of queer scifi/fantasy. You see, ten to fifteen years ago, a truly stunning percentage of my colleagues -- writers, editors, publicists -- were writing and reading fanfic, and they carried their tastes and story-hungers with them as they grew up and got Real Adult Jobs at publishing companies. And suddenly, as if out of nowhere, a lot of us came of age all at once and there was this absolutely enormous wave of queer SFF that in my opinion has brought us into a new golden age of the genre: The Locked Tomb series by Tamsyn Muir, The Chorus of Dragons series by Jenn Lyons, She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker Chan, Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie, The Tensorate series by Neon Yang, Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon, Light from Uncommon Stars by Ryka Aoki, The City in the Middle of the Night by Charlie Jane Anders, the Birdverse books by RB Lemberg, The Traitor Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickenson, The Jasmine Throne by Tasha Suri, Reforged by Seth Haddon, The Sorcerer of the Wildeeps by Kai Ashante Wilson, Ocean's Echo by Everina Maxwell, The Fifth Season by NK Jemisin -- and these only the ones I could remember off the top of my head in 30 seconds, and I have a flavor of ADHD that makes my brain go blank when people ask me to think of specific examples of things! It is harder for me to think of a SFF book published in the last 7 years that ISN'T queer.

And then almost exactly a year ago, my book A Taste of Gold and Iron came out with THIS COVER:

Which. Is not so much a step forward in openly queer SFF as it is a fucking gauntlet thrown down in challenge. I cannot impress upon you strongly enough how much I would not have gotten this cover 10 years ago, and that's if the book was even accepted for publication in the first place. This cover SCREAMS gay fantasy romance. There is no attempt to hide it or camouflage it. It is advertising exactly what it is, right up front.

I got the absolute privilege and honor of having this cover--and I do consider it an incredible honor--because of the work that all my colleagues put in with their own work. Each queer book that got published wedged the door a little wider for the next one, and then a little wider still for the next one, until finally someone could get their foot in the door and squeeze across the threshold, which opened it a little wider again. So when I look at this image, I don't just see a beautiful cover that I am delighted to have on my books--I see an entire history of slow, steady progress by so many incredible writers who risked damaging their careers just to drag us to a point where a book as gay as this one could get a cover as gay as that one and STILL get the full and enthusiastic support of both the publisher and the audience. And the most incredible honor and the most humbling privilege out of all of this is the fact that the success of this book meant that the door was wedged open another little bit, that I got to contribute in this small way to the efforts of everyone who came before me, so that ones who come after us will find the door flung wide -- or that there's no door left at all to block the way, because we've collectively torn it down.

So yes, @eyona, I think that having your faith restored little by little is a very good thing, and I am delighted that Good Omens is doing that for all of us. And what's even better is that even if Good Omens doesn't play out exactly how we want it to, that's... kind of okay? Because there is always the next one, and at the very very least, Good Omens is wedging the door open further so that the next one can have an easier time of it. We don't have to walk uphill in the snow both ways just to get a moment of emotionally charged eye contact anymore. We don't have to starve anymore, not like we used to back in the bad old days. And that alone is a wonderful thing. :D

[lgg5989]

Church Encounters Side Fic 1.2

Hey guys! Thanks to everyone for your continued support of this fic, @barbiewritesstuff and I are having a great time writing it. She is posting this on her tumblr as well so jump over and give her a like or a comment. We have had a few requests for side drabbles and stuff about these characters and we will be happy to answer them! Just send us asks :)

WARNINGS: This chapter contains NSFW content pinv and oral (m and f receiving) if you are under the age of 18 please do NOT interact with this post. This post does not need to be read to understand the plot of our Church Encounters fic. 

You can find the previous chapters on my Masterlist, and you can read the whole series so far on my Ao3! I made the moodboard, I hope you enjoy it! :D

Comment on this or any of the Church Encounters posts and @barbiewritesstuff and I will be happy to add you to the tag list.

Tagging: @roosterscock @sydneyhlove

That bikini was going to be the end of him. The bright blue fabric contrasted so well with your tanned, golden skin, slightly shimmering with the suntan lotion you had smeared over yourself. You looked ethereal as you lounged by the pool, only getting up to get a cocktail at the poolside bar. Sipping your bright orange drink through the straw, your lovely pink lips wrapped around it. 

Jake wasn't sure why that was getting him going, he could only guess it was an avalanche started by the damn bikini. And he wasn't sure why the damn bikini was getting him going either, as he'd seen you naked. He'd seen you sprawled out underneath him or kneeling in front of him, happily doing unspeakable things to him as he lost himself in every wave of pleasure. 

Perhaps it was the year he'd spent waiting, denying himself every touch that could spoil him for you. He'd certainly been trying to catch up on what he had missed, but this was something else altogether. This was a reaction to the way the pool boy was looking at you, or the barman who glanced at your chest when you tapped Jake's card against the reader. It was a need to prove to everyone, and maybe mostly himself, that despite the way every single man had stared and tried to chat you up, you still belonged to him.

And yes, maybe it had started with the damn bikini and how the fabric curved around your breast, cupping your tit and barely lifting it up so it looked nice and perky. How the spandex and regular army workout schedule made your ass look like it belonged in the fucking Louvre. But it had snowballed into some untamable need to have you now that was making him unable to think about something other than what he wanted to do to you, the effect of which couldn't really be hidden by the towel.

So, hiding himself as best he could, Jake was back in the room ten minutes after joining you at the pool. 

Mine <3: I'll be there in a sec. Start the shower?

Hurry, Jake replied, hoping the text didn't convey the desperation he was feeling.

Mine <3: I think I'll need help taking the bikini off 

Why, scared it'll get wet? He texted back

Mine <3: Honey, it already is…

Jake breathed in deeply, trying to quell the wave of burning desire that had washed over him as he read your text and releasing a shaky breath as he eagerly waited for you to walk in the door.

You arrived five minutes later, the cover loosely tied around your waist. Jake wasted no time in pinning you against the door, damn near ripping off the top of your bikini. As you had lounged by the pool, Jake had felt it gloating, teasing him from its position on your chest, reminding him he wasn't allowed to touch. The slightly violent way Jake had undone the bow had been punishment for that. But it was all forgotten as soon as he gave in to his impulse and kissed his way down your chest until he could capture your nipple in his mouth. 

Jake groaned as you moaned, he ran his tongue along your areola, barely grazing the skin and sending a shiver right down your spine. At the feeling of his teasing, you arched your back, pressing your nipple further into his tongue. Jake closed his mouth over your nipple, giving it a hard suck before releasing it with a pop. He moved to your other breast, wanting to give it the same attention. 

As his mouth closed over your nipple, he noticed your hips bucking slightly. You let out a heavenly groan when he slotted his thigh between your legs, allowing you the friction you so desperately desired, the fabric of your swimsuit bottoms perfectly catching against your clit. 

“That’s it baby,” Jake said, his mouth now next to your ear, his thumbs rubbing over your sensitive, wet nipples, “Who makes you feel so good?”

Your eyes opened a fraction, trying to focus on what Jake was asking you, “You do,” you said in a breathy whisper. 

Jake pinched one of your nipples hard, bordering on painful, “Who makes you feel good baby?” he asked again, more demanding. 

“You do! Jake…” you said, your voice rising into a high pitched whine one the end of his name. 

“God you’re like heaven,” he said, planting kisses down your neck, stopping when he reached your collarbone to suck at your skin, “All those men up there, looking at you, like they wanted a piece, but who do you belong to?” 

“You, Jake, I belong to you,” you breathed out, your back arching into him as he continued to flick your nipples, his mouth making its back back up your neck. Your rubbing became more desperate along his thick thigh, as you chased the release you needed. 

“Come on baby,” he whispered in your ear, you whimpered, the way he was stimulating your body was pleasurable, but not enough to send you over the edge. 

“I…I need,” you said, not sure what you needed from him, “Jake..” 

“Tell me what you need baby,” Jake said, pulling back from you to look at your scrunched up face, your head tilted against the door, your bikini top hanging off one arm, your bottoms and cover still on your body as you ground yourself against him. 

“More, need more,” you told him, arching your back into his hand when he cupped one breast fully, rolling your nipple between his large fingers. 

Jake pulled his thigh from you and you let out a desperate whine in response. Only a second later you felt his leg back between yours, the friction on your clit even better than before. Looking down, you saw that he had pulled your bikini bottoms to one side with a finger, your mound now grinding against the hair on his leg. The sight of his leg, slick with your arousal, had you moaning, your head knocking back against the door. 

“That’s it baby, take what you need, wanna’ make you feel good,” Jake said into your ear. His hands felt like they were everywhere, your breasts, dancing over your nipples, running down your sides, squeezing the muscle of your ass, on your waist, pulling you more roughly against his leg. 

The wave that was your orgasm finally crashed over you. Letting out a whine of Jake’s name, you came on his thigh. You almost felt embarrassed with how easily you had cum on him, and his thigh of all things, but before you could, Jake’s voice permeated your hazy mind, “You’re beautiful, look so beautiful cumming on me, that’s it baby, tell them all who makes you feel so good, who you belong to.” 

As your hips came to a stop on his thigh, you opened your eyes, Jake looking down at you, “Hey,” he said.

“Hi,” you responded shyly. 

He gave you a shit eating grin before asking, “Enjoying yourself?”

You hummed at him, “I am in fact, this hot man I picked up at the pool, he has barely touched me and has me cumming.” 

‘You’re mine baby,” he whispered into your ear before pulling his thigh away from you and tapping your legs. 

You jumped up, allowing him to catch you, assisting him by wrapping your unsteady legs around his waist, the outline of his erection rubbing into your slick heat, “I’m yours Jake,” you said once he had you settled, looking into his eyes. 

“I think you made a mess of me, darlin’,” he said, pulling your back from the door and walking to the large shower which was now steaming up the hallway of your hotel room. As he walked, you pulled his shirt up and over his head, running your hand down his pecs, through the coarse hair there. Jake let out a moan, burying his head into your neck as he continued towards the shower. 

You slipped off your cover up, letting it fall to the floor, leaving you and Jake in only swim bottoms. Without stopping to take them off, Jake pulled the shower door open before walking straight into the hot spray. 

“Jake!” you exclaimed, trying to manoeuvre yourself in his arms to keep your bottoms dry. 

“What?” he asked, a smug smile on his face, “You said they were wet already anyway.” 

You let out a laugh, giving up on trying to keep your bottoms dry, “Well then, Mr. Seresin, why don’t we ruin them?” you asked a smirk coming over your own face. 

“You don’t have to tell me twice,” Jake said before he pressed a desperate kiss to your lips, grinding his erection against you. You tapped his shoulder, signalling him to put you down. When Jake complied, you pulled your soaked bikini bottoms off, the sound of the wet fabric slapping against the floor loud in the marble shower. 

Leaning up, you captured Jake's lips in a kiss, wrapping your hands around his neck to deepen the kiss further. You traced his bottom lip with your tongue and he opened his mouth to you, he let out a quiet moan when your tongue caressed his. Trailing your hands down his chest, you drug your nails lightly through the hair there. 

Pressing yourself to him more fully as you slipped your fingers under the band of his swim trunks, you let out a moan at the feeling of his chest hair scraping against your sensitive nipples. Pulling his swim trunks down, you felt his dick spring forward, when it came in contact with the hot water from the shower spray. 

The shorts fell to the floor with a loud smack. You pulled back from Jake, his lips chasing yours, winking at him, you sank to your knees in the shower, the dark marble digging into your soft skin. 

You looked up at him with wide eyes as you took his dick in your hand, watching as his eyes fluttered closed for a moment before popping open again. Jake moaned when you moved your hand back and forth a few times, feeling him grow harder under your touch. Leaning in, you took the tip of him into your mouth, engulfing him in heat. He let out a hiss of your name before he gathered up your hair in his hand, holding it in a messy ponytail at the base of your head. 

You took him in as far as you could, Jake’s hand gentle on your head, never pushing you down on him too far. As you pulled your mouth off of him, you sucked hard. His hand tightened in your hair, “Fuck, baby. You are so good at this,” he said, his head tilted forward, his chin resting on his chest so he could watch you. 

As you let him start to rut into your mouth, you could feel your own desire for friction overcome you, using your free hand, you moved it down between your own legs, rubbing tight circles over your clit, moaning at the pleasurable relief that it provided. 

When Jake noticed what you were doing, his hold on your hair tightened more, and he brought you to a stop, his dick still in your mouth. “Holy shit, are you touching yourself?” he asked, watching your hand’s small movements between your legs. 

You let out a humm around him as you looked up at him, your hand still moving between your own legs as you sucked him harder. 

“Get up here,” he said, pulling you off of him. 

You stood, your knees a bit stiff from the shower floor. Before you could get your bearings or let a snarky comment fly, Jake was hoisting you up in his arms, pressing your back against the cold shower wall. 

“God the things you do to me,” he said. When you looked up to meet his eye you could see his pupils were blown wide, the green of his iris only a thin sliver bordering his pupil. He pulled back from you only a little to align himself with your pulsing hole. 

He paused, looking into your eyes for permission. You nodded at him, whispering out quietly, “Please Jake, make me yours.”

As soon as the words left your lips, Jake thrust himself into you, sinking in all the way to the hilt. He let out a loud moan, “You’re perfect,” he said, “Made to take my cock, so tight and warm,” he was practically babbling now and he caught you off guard when he pulled almost all the way out asking as he thrust back in, “Who does this perfect pussy belong to?” 

“Jake!” you exclaimed as he hit the perfect place inside you, your head lulling back against the shower wall. 

“That’s right, princess,” Jake growled, “Belongs to me.”

You could feel yourself clenching around him as he picked up his pace, fucking you relentlessly into the wall of the shower. He hadn’t been rough with you until now, and as much as you loved the soft lovemaking that the two of you had gotten used to, this was something exciting and good all on its own. 

“Yes! You, Jake, belongs to you,” you gasped out between thrusts, your orgasm just out of reach, “So close, please…” you whimpered, your body needing something more to get over the edge. 

You felt Jake’s hand trail down your breast, stopping to squeeze your nipple before descending further down your stomach to your sensitive mound. Parting you, he found your clit with his thumb and pressed on it, rubbing small circles over the bundle of nerves as he continued to piston in and out of you. 

“Come on baby, cum for me,” he said into your ear, the increased friction of his thumb causing you to clench harder around him as you got closer to your orgasm. “Cum for me so I can fill that pussy up, give you that baby we talked about, you want a baby honey?” he asked, his words crass and breathy as the rhythm of his thrusts started to become sloppy. 

You didn’t have time to respond, his words sending you over the edge with a scream of Jake’s name. Jake kept positioning in and out of you, working towards his own orgasm, “That’s it princess, I’m gonna put a baby in you, then they’ll all know you’re mine…mine…all mi-,” he said before his hips stuttered once, twice, three times and you felt him fill you with his hot seed, a deep groan leaving his chest as you felt a bit of pain near your shoulder. 

You moaned at being so full, the feeling of his hips still rocking against yours as he rode out the rest of his orgasm stimulating you more. Jake’s legs were shaking with the effort of holding the both of you up, but his hands were wrapped around your thighs, keeping them secure on his hips. His head was resting against your shoulder, and you could feel him breathing deeply on your wet skin. 

Turning your head, you placed a kiss to the side of his head whispering, “I love you,” into his ear. 

“I love you too,” he eventually said, once he had regained his bearings, pulling his head from your neck to smile at you. Suddenly the smile drained from his face, and he almost dropped you from the wall. 

“I’m sorry,” he started, “I shouldn’t have been so rough, I let myself get carried away.” 

“What are you talking about?” you asked, “I loved that, best we’ve had yet.” 

“I…I kind of bit you,” he said, running a finger over the tender skin of your shoulder. Turning your head to try and look, you could barely see the imprint of a few of his perfect teeth in your skin. 

You let out a hum, pressing a kiss to his forehead, a laugh escaping you. Jake looked up at you hopefully, “You’re not mad?”

“Why would I be mad? My husband just came so hard that he had to bite me to ground himself,” you said, a smile coming over your face, “Besides, they know I’m yours now.”

Jake groaned, burying his head into your neck again, planting a kiss to your shoulder. He stepped back from the wall, preparing to let you down, but when he touched the spray of the shower, he let out an undignified yelp. 

“I think we took a little too long,” he said with a laugh, the once piping hot water now running cold out of the tap. 

You tilted your head back, laughing at him while gasping out, “I thought you were done with cold showers Lieutenant Commander.”

Jake joined in, laughing just as hard as you, “Me too.” 

Eventually he let you down and the two of you washed the smell of pool and sex off of your bodies before turning off the still cold water. Jake wrapped you up in a towel, the spot between your legs a little sore after his rougher than usual thrusting causing you to be unstable on your feet. The two of you made your way into the bedroom where without even getting dressed, Jake fell into the bed, his eyes fluttering shut as exhaustion took him under. You laid there for a while longer before picking up the phone and ordering room service. The two of you deserved a grand feast after your session of love making. 

[instasiswetrust]

Steve's not quite drunk but there's a pleasant buzz under his skin that leaves him feeling pliant and loose, enough to keep any unsavory thoughts at bay for the time being.

The scent of chlorine and bleach that envelops him once he opens the pool doors, familiar comforts by now, help clear some of the haze of alcohol that has befallen him from his last drink taken at the Auris that night. Or morning. He's not entirely sure.

It brings back the memories that he had been trying so hard to forget. A lavender envelope had been in his mail that day, inside of it an invitation trimmed with delicate filigree. For Nancy's and Jonathan's wedding.

A fall wedding.

The type which he and Nancy had joked about back when they were together, not long before Jonathan had joined them.

He had gone through his work with the kind of detachment that usually meant nothing was truly registering. Adam might have noticed at one point, too attuned already to the tells under the porcelain of Steve's mask, but the memory is fuzzy and he can't remember if he ever gave a proper answer to his manager's concerned query.

As soon as work was done, he had made his way to the Auris in search of something to get his mind off the pain that clutched the shards of his heart like a vice. Or rather, someone. It had been his favorite dancer's day off or something though, leaving him to spend the rest of his night watching the dancers on stage and sipping on the ocassional drink.

Something had made him want to climb the stairs to the gym's pool, though. And that's why he was here now.

"Are you drunk?" The voice that speaks has become familiar in the same way the scent and sounds of the pool has and when he looks up to meet the eyes of its owner, he finds them startled if slightly amused.

"Only a little bit." He shrugs, plopping down by the edge of the pool with his legs crossed under him. The bleach might leave stains on his Levi's but he can't really muster enough energy to give a fuck right now. "'s not that bad."

"You kind of reek of cigarette smoke and whiskey."

Yep. Definitely amused.

"Spilled some scotch on my shirt. The smoke is probably from the cab driver." Another shrug but this time he levels Billy with apologetic doe eyes. "I can leave if it bothers you."

"You're fine, I was just curious." The blonde swims closer, crossing his arms over the edge next to where Steve sits once he's close enough. "First time I've seen you up here wearing something other than your ridiculous pajamas."

"They are not ridiculous!" Steve protests at once, pouting. "And you have seen me in swimwear too!"

"Last week you were wearing bright red shorts that said Bite Me across the ass, and a t-shirt that said Friends don't lie in big bold letters with a heart-shaped waffle at the center." Billy deadpans, raising a single eyebrow. "The shirt was at least two sizes too big for you."

"They were gifts." Brown eyes narrow into a glare but the petulant pout kind of offsets the vibe.

"I thought models were supposed to have taste in clothes."

"We're supposed to look pretty while others dress us. It's not in the job description to have taste."

"So you admit you have no taste then." Billy was giving him that smirk, the one Steve called insufferable but discretly considered hot as fuck. How dare he be so sinfully handsome.

"I said no such thing!" Steve crosses his arms over his chest, tipping his chin up in the perfect picture of snotty petulance. He could already feel the laughs bubbling in his chest, wanting to break the mock facade.

It takes only a second or two of Billy giving him an skeptical look before they are both laughing.

He had missed this kind of easy-going banter. Most of his friends he only saw around the holidays, and the environment at work was more prone to talks about weight loss and botox than anything else.

New York never slept but that only made it all the more lonely.

His sullen mood must've reflected on his face because he feels something poke at his thigh, meeting Billy's eyes when he turns to look at him.

"You didn't just come here so I could make fun of your taste in clothes, did you?"

"I-"

It's only then that Steve realizes Billy is right.

The reason his alcohol fogged brain has preferred to come up here rather than crash into his bed wasn't just some way of punishing himself even further. Not entirely at least. He had come here because it was a place of comfort for him.

And because he had a friend here, too.

"No. Not just that." Steve sighs, letting his eyes focus on the slow movement of the pool water instead of Billy's face.

"Do you..." A moment of hesitation, as if he's not sure about his words. "want to talk about it?"

Brown eyes close, keeping his focus on the in and out of air through his lungs for a few moments until he feels less like he's going to burst out crying the moment he sets these awful thoughts into words.

Makes them all the more real.

"My... exes. They are getting married. To each other." He doesn't open his eyes, doesn't do anything more than try to keep his voice steady even as the aching pain of heartbreak weighs down on his chest. "I received the invitation this morning."

There's a low whistle. It sounds like sympathy. It sounds real.

"That bites," Billy says, and his voice has a dulled edge to it. Commiseration with flavor, or something like that, but it's three am and there's nothing but cold tile and the soft wake of lit water. "Is this ... like a sudden spur of the moment thing?"

When Steve turns doe eyes to him, Billy raises up his hands, only moderately pruned, in an easing gesture.

"You don't have to answer. Just..." A pause. A beat as the swimmer looks for the right string of words. "Just trying to gauge how much of a dick move this is."

There's a laugh, dull and mirthless. A sad little sound.

“We have been friends since high school. All three of us dated for a bit longer after that. We went through some hard stuff together back in Indiana.” He shrugs, keeping his eyes closed. Tears at bay. “Was supposed to be the kind of friendship that lasted even after we broke up.”

It’s all my fault. He doesn't say.

My stupid heart and I. We ruined it all.

It takes a split second of contemplation, because, after all, they're total strangers. But once upon a time, someone gave Billy this sideways kindness and it helped. Maybe Steve and his overly fancy hair won't mind it too much.

So Billy acts on the impulse.

It's a tiny splash. Really very minuscule. Aimed and precise for the minimum impact upon the sitting duck target. But water is water. Nobody can tell tears from pool water.

"You were thinking too hard." He places the excuse on the table, sinking lower into the water, comfortable in this strange company. Even if the guy seems to be at the end of his rope. There's something about him. Like a dream you don't want to forget. "I could see the smoke. Had to cool you down."

The water is warm and yet is still enough of a shock to force Steve's eyes to open.

His first instinct is to protest, say something about the action being rude and uncalled for. Stand up and leave, most likely.

But what he sees in Billy's face — hears in his voice — is enough to give him a moment's pause. To truly appreciate the action for the small kindness it is.

This time when the tears dribble down his cheeks in quiet drops, he has something to hide them behind.

“You really think you're funny, huh?”

And if his voice is a little too wet to be considered normal, they don't have to talk about it.

"I'm hilarious," Billy says as he sinks a little lower into the water, mostly to hide his smug grin, but in part to hide away. "The girl gang that lets me tag along sometimes says so."

“Of course you are.” Steve rolls his eyes, using his fingers to brush back his mostly dry hair. He should probably wash the chlorine out of his hair before going to bed or it would be stiff come morning.

“Is that why you're trying to become a prune? For maximum fun effect?”

“Nah,” Billy waves off the prune comment. He’s hardly started his routine. Pool time ain’t over until everything has that post-workout burn and his stomach begs for food. Makes time easier to keep that way. “I just like to swim.”

Just like Tony Hawk likes to skateboard, he supposes, but understating his profession like this is one of the best parts of the job. Gotta get your kicks when you find them.

“Why? Got something against prunes?” He laughs, “They just want to help you. Healthy stomach, and all.”

“Not particularly, but they do remind me of my Nonna. She likes her prunes.” Another shrug, this time easier. Easy banter is much better than worrying about that little envelope sitting on his coffee table.

The tears have stopped too, the contacts itching slightly against his eyes. Probably from the mix of salt and chlorine. Thankfully, his cardigan is mostly dry and he takes it off to use it as a makeshift towel.

“Is that why you're always here at weird hours? You some sort of pool cryptid or something?”

“That’s only step one of my master plan.”

Billy likes the sound of pool cryptid. Sounds a lot more mysterious and fun than what he’s actually doing, which is training until he drops so the nightmares won’t kick up.

A snort, loud and sudden leaves Steve at that, straining a little in his throat. Mom would say it's undignified. Dad would say it's ugly. He doesn't particularly care either way.

“And pray tell, what would step two entail? Flooding the city?”

Cute laugh, Billy thinks briefly surprised. Much better than seeing the guy choke back tears. Let's see if he can't instigate a bit more of that amusement. It's bound to taste better than the misery the brunette wanted to wallow in.

"What kind of water-based supervillain do you take me for?" Billy, mock-miffed, places a hand over his heart and huffs. "That's so silver-age comics. And you're not even my henchman. Why should I tell you anything about my master plan?"

A finger taps at his chin, seemingly thinking hard about his answer. Steve's not particularly well versed in comics but Dustin’s done his best to keep him on the smallest of loops.

He no longer mixes Superman with Captain America, at least.

“Fair point. You don't have the looks to pass off as Aquaman.” Steve purses his lips, offering his best apologetic doe-eyed look. Although he's definitely bluffing because if there's anybody out there who could give Aquaman a run for his money it would be Billy. “And who says I couldn't be your henchman?”

"Did you fill out the paperwork?"

Everyone knows bureaucracy is the lungs of evil. Or something like that. Sue him, he was never great with metaphors on the fly.

“Honey, if I wanted to fill paperwork I wouldn't have taken modeling as a career.”

It's an exaggeration for the most part. Steve's too used to poking fun about himself these days that it doesn't sting as bad as it used. Not too much.

Billy cocks his head and lets the loaded sentence drop and drift away.

"Then guess you can't be a henchman."

“I can make killer margaritas, though.”

“I don’t really drink too much.” The nightmares get worse when he’s anything but sober. It’s better to be exhausted. It’s the easiest way. “Medication reasons.”

A little white lie that’s hardly a lie, he really shouldn’t drink with his ADHD meds, but who ever listens to that rule? Nah. Only when it suits him.

“Model thing explains your hair though. Glad we solved that mystery.”

“Fair.” Steve offers a smile, crooked and a little pinched at the edges but a smile nonetheless. “I’m not supposed to either. Nutritionist's orders.”

To be fair, he's not supposed to be drinking at all. Smoking too. It's a little hard not to indulge every once in a while, though.

The model comment surprises him. There's a billboard with his face just a few blocks down from this apartment complex. He can see it from his room. How has this guy not recognized him?

It's surprisingly refreshing.

“Hm? Oh no, the model thing has nothing to do with my hair. That's just personal taste.”

Now that Billy cares to look, Steve’s face is achingly familiar. Oh, the trials and tribulations of having attention issues. At least there’s a better reason for the weird familiarity than must just have one of those faces.

“Can’t relate.” He’s not particularly attached to any bodily feature of his. It’s a side effect, he’s told. Reassured. It's just a consequence, and nothing more. “Doing things with hair? Nah. Sounds too complicated.”

“Sounds like the kind of thing a pool cryptid would say.” There’s a story behind Billy's words. Something missing, hidden skin deep. Steve hopes the light jab helps diffuse that somewhat.

“What are you, a cop?” Billy smirks, and because he is the pinnacle of maturity, he dips under the water with an obnoxious splash.

“Asshole” Steve hisses, droplets dribbling down his bangs and into the cardigan bunched up in his lap.

With a sigh, he forces himself to get up. Might as well take that shower now.

Billy surfaces, still grinning, because even if the guy looks pissed at him, that means he’s not stewing in the past with his soon-to-be-married exes and the Hercules-class weight of baggage that relationship caused.

“Guys by the pool get splashed. No matter what time it is or how cute they are. Cryptid rules.” His smirk it's wide, tip of his tongue between his teeth. "If you weren’t prepared to get wet, then why’d you come?”

Steve shrugs, doing his best to ignore that peek of a pink tongue. “The local cryptid makes for good conversation.”

“So you’ve been watching me?” Billy makes a little show of floating back, caught in thought. “I don’t know how I feel about spectators.”

“I can stop.” Painfully honest. If Billy really wants him to, Steve would stop. He would prefer not to, though.

“Nah. I’m only pulling your leg.” Billy returns to the pool’s edge. Rests his cheek on the edge, looking up at pretty boy model Steve.

“Things get too quiet sometimes.”

Steve hums softly in agreement, feeling relief ease itself back into his bones. He would have stopped, yes, but he wouldn't have particularly liked the prospect of it.

“You come here every day? Or have I just happened to stumble in on the days you're around?”

"Almost every day. Sometimes I take this side-show to other pools." Billy cracks his best Han Solo roguish smile, levies it against Steve's still too flat smile. "Gotta keep the government guessing sometimes, you know."

“Of course, wouldn't want to get caught and all that.” A yawn gets past Steve's lips, startling him. He hadn't registered how tired he was. “I’ll keep that in mind, for next time.”

“Thank you.” Quieter. Softer. Barely above a whisper but loud enough in the gentle silence of the pool.

It comes just as soft. It's almost tender, really, as the word casts across the water and tile and the near-lonely pool.

"Anytime."

---

The next time Steve visits, it's once again 3 AM but he makes the mistake (is it really a mistake?) to bring a tin of sugar cookies with him.

"Oh shit, are you sharing, or is this all to tease me?"

Steve is sitting by one of the benches, already halfway through a cookie. “Come out here and find out.”

Billy narrows his eyes, lips pulled into a thin frown.

"Fool me once." He waggles a single warning finger and doesn't even really bother to dry off as he drags himself out of the pool to plop down on the floor next to Steve and steal into the snacks.

There are enough cookies for both of them stuffed neatly in a tin container. It's awfully pretentious according to Dustin, but then again Steve's Nonna always said cookies tasted better stored that way.

“I'm not mean enough to just eat while you watch. Yet, at least.”

"Oh just wait until you know me better." Billy chirps, shoving two into his mouth, wholesale and choking a bit.

"Robin and Carol would do that in a heartbeat."

“They probably would have a good reason too.” Steve teases, watching with amused eyes as Billy almost chokes. They are just sugar cookies he managed to scrounge up with whatever was in his kitchen. Nothing that good.

“Easy there tiger, cookies ain't going anywhere.”

"You have no idea how hungry I always am."

Steve blinks, surprised. The words come out before he has a chance to truly think them over. “I’m a good cook.”

"Prove it." It's out of Billy's mouth before he can take it back, but on second thought, he doesn't really want to. Steve's good company, or at least he has been so far.

And he hasn't had a nightmare since.

Good omens.

“You're kind of choking on the proof right now.” Maybe it comes out a little lighter, a little too surprised.

That's fine. Whatever this thing is, it doesn't seem like too bad of a chance to take.

“But if you need some more convincing, I can offer dinner too.”

Wheezing, but recovering, Billy grins up at Steve but there's a hopeful spark in his blue eyes that wasn't there before. "Fuck yeah, gotta make sure it's not a fluke."

Steve offers him the thermos of coffee he had brought with him, suddenly too distracted by watching Billy drink to remember what he wanted to ask. “Uh... When are you free?”

"This Sunday, I think. Getting back from a rapids trip that I shouldn't keep doing but like fuck am I gonna listen to other people for something dumb like my health."

“Is it like, you could die type of thing or just one of those things doctors say we should stop doing and everyone ignores? Because dead people don't particularly eat.”

"I do dumb shit because regular training gets boring and people who actually like me have to put up with it." Billy waves a dismissive hand. "But that's what it takes to get me moving on schedule so. Yeah."

It drives his coach insane because doing his reps in real rivers with real currents isn't exactly... well. It's not what everyone else does for training and given that he has passed out mid-stroke before, he can't even say the risk is just the current. But he knows that upstate rivers like the back of his hand.

Yeah, life would be way easier if he didn't have ADHD, less doctor's notes for the cause of amphs in his piss, but it would also be super boring and he'd be even more traumatized, probably. And that would suck.

Steve thinks of Indiana, and a bat full of nails. Of cliff diving at the quarry, drunk on stolen bourbon and tasting cheap cigarettes. Of the Auris with his slew of dancers most of who he's shared a bed with more than once.

He thinks he has some experience with the whole doing dumb shit just to get his schedule moving.

"I will take your word for it then." Hums, thinking back to his schedule and what he has paged in for Sunday. There was that casting thing Adam wanted him to do but it was morning. "I should be free on Sunday. Any allergies I should account for?"

“None that I know of.” Spoken cheerfully

“Great. Gives me more to work with.” And this time when he smiles, it's the most honest he's offered since they met.

---

When he finds it again, it is entirely on accident.

Adam had scheduled a trip to California for a gig, something about a new summer line of wetsuits and surfboards this company wanted him to advertise. It was a big opportunity and it was good cash too, of course so Steve wasn't going to question why they thought it a good idea to present a summer line in the middle of august. But as usual, he had forgotten to pack his suitcases until the night before, and now he was left to scramble around his apartment searching for his stuff.

So when he finds the lavender envelope buried under a few recipe books and a hoodie, still unopened, he doesn't think much about it and opens it. It's only when he's staring at the date stenciled in black calligraphy under Nancy's and Jonathan's name that he realizes what he's looking at.

Oh right. Those two were getting married.

The familiar ache in his chest is still there, but it's muted enough that he's surprised. Between canceling his exclusive membership at the Auris, and his relationship with Billy coming out to the media, he had sort of forgotten all about the wedding.

Maybe...

Grabbing his phone from the bed, he shoots his boyfriend a quick text.

How do you feel about being my plus one to my exes' wedding?

[hueswrites]

hq kinktober [day2] hanamaki & matsukawa

main hq kinktober masterlist

hq kinktober [day2] hanamaki takahiro & matsukawa isseis - double penetration

includes:

simultaneous vaginal & anal sex, all consenting, established relationship, alcohol use

wordcount:

4,136

~~~

You lay in bed with your boyfriend, basking in a blissful post-sex haze while you let your eyes rest. The "ding" of a text coming through Takahiro's phone grabs your attention.

"I'm getting drinks with Issei," he says, rolling out of bed.

You glance at the time. "It's two in the afternoon," you state, giving him a disapproving glare.

"And?" He says, going to the bathroom to take a piss with the door wide open.

"I really wish you would find a job. Is Issei off today or something?"

"Nah. He had a shitty day and his dad let him leave early, so I'm going to keep him company."

You roll your eyes. "Must be nice working for daddy. Why don't you see if you can get a job with him?"

"He actually did say they need someone in the crematory, but I'm not burning up dead people for a living. Besides," he turns to look at you and winks. "You know you love having me here to cook, clean, and fuck you senseless at all hours of the day."

You roll your eyes. He had a point.

~~~

Takahiro finds Issei at the bar, halfway through his second beer and looking absolutely miserable. They greet each other with a nod and Takahiro takes the seat next to him. The bartender is is already cracking a bottle open of Takahiro's usual order, which happens to be the same exact beer Issei preferred to drink. He takes a good, lengthy sip then sets the frosty bottle down with an audible sigh of delight. He looks over at Issei. "Wanna talk about it?"

Issei groans. "No. I just wanna drink." He takes a sip of his beer.

Takahiro unzips his jacket and saunters it off his shoulders, then places it onto the empty stool beside him. He looks up at the top shelf of liquors behind the bar and racks through his brain for something to talk about that would help get his friend out of his slump. "Oikawa's visiting next week. Have you talked to him? You know that'll be a good time. Always is."

Issei only sighs in response. Well, shit. He was really down in the dumps. "I need to get laid, Makki," he grumbles.

Takahiro raises his eyebrows. "What happened with that one foreign chick? Thought you and her had a good thing going on."

"She found someone else. Said she felt like she was fucking the grim reaper and thought I'd end up giving her a curse from one of the dead bodies in the funeral home," he drops his head down onto his forearms and hides his face. "Said she couldn't get the image of dead, shriveled dick out of her head when we hooked up."

Takahiro laughs. "That's fucking weird," he says. "You don't even see the bodies. You just sell the caskets and help families through their grieving."

"Yeah, I know," he groans out in frustration. "I have a decent job making decent money and even have my own place... I guess that's the limit on the amount of good things I'm allowed to have in this life."

Takahiro scoffs. "Don't say that. You're doing really good. Shit, look at me. I've been unemployed for three months now, freeloading off my girlfriend-"

"Your hot girlfriend,"

Takahiro ignores him, continuing, "I'm in a shit ton of debt, and I've now watched every single season of that stupid Korean drama my girlfriend insisted would inspire me to change my life Honestly, that shit made me feel worse."

Issei manages a laugh and lifts his head back up, dark wavy hair now a tousled mess over his forehead. "Yeah, dude. You sound like a bum. Why does she keep you around?"

"I cook and I clean. And," a smug smirk lifts the corners of his lips, "the sex is amazing."

Issei's head drops back down onto the bar top. "Fuck you," he mumbles into the sleeves of his shirt.

"You know, she is a model and a personal trainer. There's no way she doesn't have any single, cute girl friends that would be willing to hook up."

Issei sits back up and finishes his drink, the idea now seeming to lift his spirits. "If you could find someone that'd be interested in a gloomy, boring guy like me, then I'll pay your tab-"

Takahiro smiles and chugs the rest of his beer, then locks onto the bartender. "Another round on this guy's tab, please," he shouts.

Issei chuckles. "You better work some magic, asshole."

~~~

Takahiro returns home to your apartment to find you in the living room, drenched in sweat and in the middle of giving one of your online fitness classes. As you go through the motions of squats and burpees he takes a moment to admire the way your ass jiggles and resists the urge to give it a smack. You would kill him if you did such a thing in front of her clients, and probably withhold any sort of physical intimacy from him as punishment. It's amazing that you even have the energy to workout after your earlier exertion with him in bed.

He decides to make himself comfortable on at the kitchen counter and pulls out his phone, scrolling through your list of friends on Facebook. He didn't know half the people on your list, and he was pretty sure you didn't know them either. It made sense that a popular, attractive young woman such as yourself had so many connections. When the two of you started dating, you warned Takahiro about the amount of attention men (and women) gave you. It didn't bother Takahiro one bit. He loved knowing someone as attractive and talented as you was all his.

Issei may have had the career and the independence, but to Takahiro, you were all he needed. He loved to please you. The cooking and cleaning was no chore to him. You allowed him to stay at your apartment expecting nothing but his love and respect in return. And great sex. You were definitely just as kinky and open-minded as he is.

As his thoughts focused on you, he found himself remembering the early days of your relationship. He met you two years ago at a bar when Oikawa had been in town visiting for the holidays. Both he and Issei were instantly attracted to you. Oikawa noticed their attraction to you and was able to get your number in the blink of an eye. Imagine her disappointment when she learned that neither of the two numbers that texted her the next day belonged to that gorgeous brunette with big brown eyes and a voice as sweet as honey.

He and Issei made a game out of trying to woo you. In the end, you fell for Takahiro's boyish good looks and charming personality. Not that Issei wasn't charming or good looking - you just thought Takahiro had much more going for him, with his talk of wanting to be an entrepreneur and successful business man, while Issei went right into working for his parent's funeral home.

Oh, how the tables have turned.

It's then that an idea pops into Takahiro's head. He brings up his text conversation with Issei.

He sends a text: "Wanna have a threesome with me and ___?"

Issei responds almost instantly: "You serious?"

Takahiro chuckles to himself. He replies: "Let me ask her. I'll get back to you."

~~~

After your class is finished, you shower and get yourself ready for dinner. The news plays on the TV in the living room adjacent from your dining area, but you're not paying attention. You're trying to figure out why your boyfriend is so unusually quiet. He's been on his phone since the two of you sat down to eat, only taking a bite every couple of minutes.

"Hey, Hiro," you start, irritation laced through your voice. "What's wrong?"

"Issei is lonely," he says.

"That sucks," you say through a mouthful of rice.

"He needs to get laid."

You raise a brow. "Okay. How are you going to help him with that?"

"What do you think about letting him join in on our fun?"

You spit out your food.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

He smirks, eyes still on his phone. "Would you fuck him?"

"Takahiro. I'm not even gonna answer that question."

Takahiro hums. "His dick is bigger than mine, you know."

Your face flushes red. "Are you really being serious right now?"

"Yeah. You know he's always had the hots for you. Don't you find him attractive? You did back then, I know that's a fact."

You pause as if to consider. "He's cute. I never liked his hair though. He needs to cut it."

Takahiro snorts. "Babe. Think about it. You already know each other, and you said having a threesome is on your list of sexual fantasies you want to try."

"How do you know about my list?!"

Takahiro skims over your question and continues. "So is that a yes or a no?"

"But he's your best friend."

"Yeah, and that's why it'll be fun!"

You really did want to check off having a threesome from your list.

You let out a huff and frown. "Let me think about it."

Takahiro beams and starts tapping away on his phone. "Okay, so is Friday good with you?"

"Takahiro!" You shout, shooting him your best crazy eyes. You grit your teeth. "I have a class Friday night. Let's do it Saturday."

Takahiro to Issei: She’s in. You free Saturday night?

~~~

Saturday finally arrives, and you and Takahiro are both getting ready to leave your apartment for the night.

"I'm gonna need alcohol before we do this," you said as you rolled on deodorant.

Takahiro is in the bathroom, brushing his teeth. "Aww, you nervous, babe?" he garbled through his spit and toothpaste.

"Yes, Hiro. You're gonna be watching your best friend fuck me."

"Issei and I are cool like that. Always have been."

Silence follows, and Takahiro looks at you through the mirror. You've stopped packing your things and are sitting on your bed, gazing off into space. He frowns. "You know you don't have to do this if it's making you uncomfortable. I'm not gonna force you to do anything you're not sure you want to do."

You look up and glare back at him through the mirror. "I know that, idiot," and then you smile. "I'm just being a brat."

Takahiro rinses his mouth and gives his hair one last comb through before leaving the bathroom and walking over to you. He bends down to give you a kiss and ruffles your hair with his hand. "I love my little brat. Wouldn't have you any other way."

You reach up and cradle his face in your hands. "Love you too."

~~~

The three of you decided to have drinks at the bar in the hotel's lobby Issei had paid for your night together. You told Takahiro that you would feel more comfortable away from home, somewhere that you could let loose and not have to worry about cleaning up afterwards.

The conversation had mostly been the two of them reminiscing on their high school and college years, with you slurping your drink and giggling in between their exchanges. "You guys really chose to go to the same college so you could remain friends?"

Takahiro idly stirs his drink, keeping his eyes on you. Your cheeks are flushed red and your eyes are glossed over, an obvious sign that you were pretty buzzed. You seemed to be enjoying yourself, even offering little flirty comments Issei's way here and there. Takahiro thought it was adorable.

"Once Oikawa and Iwaizumi went away, everything got really boring. Making new friends is a pain," Issei explained. "I don't think other people would be able to handle our sense of humor. We like to make jabs at each other, and other people take things too seriously."

Takahiro hums in agreement. "I hate when people can't take a joke."

You finish your cocktail and the tiny little hiccup that escapes your lips has Takahiro looking at you with adoration. "I don't think many best friends would be down to fuck the other's girlfriend, either." You giggle.

Both men blushed at your blunt observation. Takahiro cleared his throat. "Uhh, you wanna get the check and skedaddle, Issei?"

Issei swallowed the rest of his drink and slammed the empty glass down onto the table. "You always read my mind, Makki."

~~~

The three of you are stripping yourselves naked as soon as you enter the hotel room. You were the first one on the bed, waiting rather impatiently for someone to start giving you attention. Takahiro was quick to climb after you, having discarded his clothes onto the floor. He placed kisses all over your face and your neck, sucking onto your breasts and pinching your hips. You squirmed underneath his touch, curling your toes in delight.

Issei goes to sit in the chair at the side of the room, and the sound of air leaving the cushion as he plops down causes you and Takahiro to stop what you're doing and look up at Issei. "What are you doing?" Takahiro asks, confused.

"M'gonna sit back and watch you two," Issei says. "Lemme see how amazing fire crotch over here really is."

"Watch it, dickhead. I'm no fire crotch. My hair's strawberry brown, idiot." Takahiro growls, returning his attention back to you. He towers over you, eyeing you hungrily. "You ready for this, baby?"

~~~

Takahiro's got two of his fingers deep inside your cunt, pumping into your sloppy, wet heat with determination to get you all warmed up for what's to come. You feel the mattress dip behind you and shiver as a second pair of hands lands on your body. Issei finally had enough as a bystander and was ready to join the action. He presses his lips to your back, between your shoulder blades, and massages his thumbs into your hips.

"Feeling good, baby?" Takahiro mumbles into your ear.

"Mmhm," you nod, both of your hands coming up to rest on his shoulders. Issei hums and slides his hands up to caress your breasts. You lean your head back against him and sigh.

"You're so soft," he says behind you, giving your nipples a squeeze. You moan.

"Tell Issei how you want to be touched," Takahiro says as he continues to work his fingers down between your legs.

"Just keep touching me like that," you breath, voice shaky.

Takahiro slides his fingers out from you and pulls back just a bit, looking at you with dark, heavy eyes. He takes in the sight of Issei's large hands enveloping your breasts, the way you pant softly through parted lips, and the rise and fall of your chest just under your collar bone. The sight makes him groan. He leans back against the headrest and strokes himself slowly.

You take one of your hands and place it over Issei's to pull it away from your breast and down to your stomach. He takes the hint and brings his fingers down further to start massaging your clit. You can feel his length pressing into the small of your back, slight moisture from the tip sticking to your skin. His fingers spread your lower lips and he smears your juices over your hole, teasing your entrance.

"Show me how good you suck Makki's dick," he mumbles against your neck.

You oblige and lean forward onto your hands, pressing one down into the mattress on each side of your boyfriend's legs.

Takahiro watches with anticipation as you lower yourself down to his hard, swollen cock. You pause to tuck your hair behind your ears and the simple action makes his heart flutter. He lets out a pleased groan as you wrap your lips around the tip.

Issei dips two of his fingers into your cunt and you moan around Takahiro's cock. He responds by placing a hand on your head, encouraging you to take him deeper.

You swirl your hips against the palm of Issei's hands like a feline swaying her tail. Takahiro's cock is deep into your mouth now, touching the back of your throat. You press your tongue against the sensitive underside as you suck your way back up, tracing the vein that protrudes through his thin skin.

Takahiro groans. "Fuck, yes," he sighs, tangling his fingers into your hair. "You are such a good girl."

Issei's roused by the sight of Takahiro melting into the bed, and suddenly feels like the luckiest guy in the world for having such a generous friend. He inserts a third finger.

You feel so full and so content. The surge of love you feel towards your boyfriend has you removing yourself from his dick to lean forward even more and plant a tender kiss to his lips. "This feels so good, Hiro," you tell him.

He grins. "I knew you'd like it, babe."

You raise yourself to stand upright on your knees and turn to meet Issei's lascivious gaze. "Let me suck you off," you say, wrapping your fingers around his wrist to stop his hand from working you any further.

"Please do," he says with a smirk. He shuffles back and collapses onto the bed, spreading his legs invitingly.

You lean down and press a kiss to Issei's stomach, then open your mouth wide to take him in. He is larger than Takahiro, so you have to widen your jaw more than what you're used to.

Takahiro watches, sliding his fingers through your hair. "You're so sexy, babe," he says, then sits up and grabs a bottle of lube from the nightstand. He figures now is the time to start working your little pucker open. He comes to kneel behind you and pours a generous amount of lube onto your ass and spreads it through your crack. He takes a slicked up finger and circles it around your tight little hole, easing the very tip in and out as he goes. "God, I love your ass," he says before giving it a light smack.

"Her mouth is something else, Makki." Issei sighs, rolling his head back to rest against the headboard. His hip stutter and buck up into your mouth, hitting the back of your throat by surprise. You grab onto his thighs and muffle a choke. "Shit, sorry," he says, but you're quick to take him back even deeper. The tickle of your nose against his stomach has him groaning loudly.

Takahiro licks his lips and slowly presses one finger into your tight hole. "Tell me if it hurts," he says, pushing his finger past his first knuckle. He pumps it slowly, feeling your muscles loosen ever so slightly. You tense when he inserts the second finger.

"Wait," you tell him, removing yourself from Issei's cock. Takahiro stops and rubs your back softly as the sting of the stretch fades away. "Okay, go ahead."

Issei inches himself back a bit to sit more upright and grabs his cock with his hand. "I'm good for now, darlin'. Just focus on feeling good." You give Issei an appreciative smile before rising up to wrap your arm around Takahiro's neck.

"More," you whisper, pushing your ass back into his hand. Takahiro inserts a third finger and you contract around him, causing a low rumble to send vibrations from his chest into your back.

Issei is back to stroking his cock as he watches Takahiro fuck his fingers into your ass. You play with your clit, the action making your legs shake. Takahiro takes his free hand and pushes yours aside, inserting his own finger into your cunt. "More," you whimper, grabbing onto his forearm. He inserts another finger, and picks up the pace.

"You feeling good, baby?" He asks you.

"So good," you whine.

Issei groans, stroking his cock faster.

Takahiro nuzzles your chin and gives you a kiss. "You wanna try riding Issei first?" he mumbles.

You nod. Takahiro removes both his hands from your body and sits back to catch his breath. You move to straddle Issei's waist and take his cock into your hand. He places both of his hands on your hips and gives you a devilish little smirk. "Ever think you'd fuck a cock bigger than his?"

You snort a laugh through your nose.

"Fuck off," Takahiro retorts from behind.

You lower yourself onto Issei's length, the stretch sending little shockwaves of pleasure through out your body. He squeezes your hips and encourages you to keep lowering your self, watching your expression the entire time.

"How's she feel?" Takahiro asks, keeping his eyes on your cunt as it swallows Issei's cock.

"Fucking amazing," he breathes, slowing rocking his hips up into you. "Not sure how long I can last."

Takahiro moves forward onto his knees. He leans over you and kisses your ear. "Think you can take two?" he says.

"Yes, please."

Issei slides down the headboard just a bit so you can hover further forward over his chest and raise your ass. You feel a wad of lube drop onto your asshole and slide down between your cheeks. Takahiro smears the liquid around inserts his finger into your hole again, just to be sure you're still ready. He removes his finger and then presses the head of his cock to your entrance. He pauses. "You good?"

"Yeah," you breathe.

He slides in slow. You have to place your hand back onto his thigh to tell him to stop while you ease into the feeling of being stretched and filled in both holes.

"Deep breaths, baby," Takahiro says, watching the muscles in your back twitch. You inhale deeply, then exhale and relax.

"Okay."

Takahiro starts to move, and Issei follows. You simply hold yourself still while both men work on finding a rhythm that lets them move together comfortably. One of your hands comes down to rest under your belly button, and you swear you feel the bulge of Issei's cock inside you.

You try taking your mind off the slight discomfort your body is feeling at such an unnatural stretch. The squelching between your legs, Issei's labored breathing as he tries so hard not to cum, the rumble of Takahiro's deep voice giving you all sorts of little praises - "good girl, you feel so good, you're doing so well, I love you so much," and your own voice getting louder as any discomfort you were feeling melts into pleasure.

"I need one of you to touch me," you say through shallow breaths, your body shaking, your hands grasping onto their arms.

"Issei," Takahiro says, quickening his pace. "Make my girlfriend cum."

Issei obliges and presses his thumb to your clit, rubbing quick, tight circles. Your body tightens up around them as you cum, moans sounding like cries as your mind struggles to handle the intensity of your orgasm,

"Oh, shit," Issei groans. "I'm gonna cum."

"Cum inside," you urge.

"You sure?"

You nod, and Issei increases his pace. He grips your hips tightly and groans as his load spills inside you.

You lean forward and give him a kiss, which he can hardly return in his current state.

Suddenly you're yanked back by your hair and pressed against Takahiro's chest, his arm snaking its way around your waist to hold you against him firmly. Issei's cock leaves your body, and Takahiro gives you one good thrust, cumming long and heavy into your ass. He lets out a string of curses into your hair, holding you tight.

His chest is heaving, having emptied every last drop.

Your head spins and your thighs are numb. "Hiro... I need to lay down," you say, tapping your hand against his arm.

"Mm," is all he can mumble before letting you go. You crawl forward and curl up onto your side next to Issei. Takahiro falls to your other side and sandwiches you in the middle.

"Fuck, that was amazing," Issei says, running a hand through his damp, curly locks of hair.

Takahiro groans in agreement, pressing his palm to his forehead, eyes closed.

The three of you lay there, catching your breath.

Takahiro rolls onto his side to face you. "What'd you think, babe?" he asks.

You hum blissfully, eyes closed. "I loved it. Let's do it again sometime."

Takahiro gives your ass a squeeze in appreciation, then reaches over to slap Issei's chest.

"Ow," Issei says, opening his eyes to see Takahiro's hand hovering above his face. He raises one of his own arms and curls his hand into a fist, smacking it against Takahiro's.

You laugh. "Did you guys just fist bump?"

"Sure did," Takahiro says, grinning proudly.

You roll your already aching body over onto your stomach and stuff your face into the pillow.

"Idiots."

[yamagucci-x]

Read on Ao3

Daisuga Avatar AU

Rated: T

“I take it some of that is for me?”

“Of course, Sifu Mineo.” Sugawara greeted the old man who grinned at him from behind the front desk. “I have to keep Daichi in your good graces somehow, don’t I?” He deposited a paper bag of kale cookies next to a stack of flyers that read Northways Bending Gym in bold lettering. He paused, remembering something Daichi said about memberships declining after a modern facility opened a few blocks away. Northways was well-known for being old school, like the gyms where pro-bending originated, but of course Republic City didn’t always appreciate traditional. “Doing some advertising? I can take some on my way out and put them up in the Little Water Tribe, if you’d like.”

“Why, that would be perfect!” Mineo shook his head with a fond look. “I’m tellin’ you, it’s upstanding young men like you fellows who are keeping this city from going to the goat-dogs. I just wish I could steal you from Narook’s— but then how would I get my kale cookies?” He let out a hearty laugh, waving away Sugawara’s assurances that it was the least he could do. Mineo popped a cookie in his mouth, calling as Suga made his way to the back, “Sawamura has a client, but he’s in the usual room with Yu and your long-haired friend!”

Nishinoya’s grandpa could never remember Asahi’s name, much to his dismay and everyone else’s delight. Suga chuckled as he strolled past lockers and small training rooms until he got to the large open-air courtyard where Daichi worked. He spotted Noya and Asahi in the back and gave them a wave. Toward the entrance, Daichi’s client was scaling a climbing wall, using earthbending to create grips and footholds as he went. Daichi stood at the bottom in a tank top and Suga’s favorite pair of harem pants, occasionally driving his foot into the ground to send a tremor through the wall. Suga sighed, leaning against a wooden post along the outside hall. He loved Daichi’s job.

“Good job!” His boyfriend clapped, “Let’s take a quick water break before we move on to balance exercises.” 

Sugawara knocked on the column, coughing innocently. “Excuse me?” he called in a loud voice, “Someone ordered seaweed noodles to go with their hunk of man meat?”

He heard a snort from the other side of the courtyard and Daichi whipped around with a beet-red face. Spirits, it was too easy. His client looked a little stricken but Suga didn’t care. He had to assert himself over these jacked gym rats somehow, didn’t he? “Uh, let’s make that a fiver,” Daichi stuttered before jogging over to Suga. He frowned as took his to-go container, wrapped in blue fabric. “You’re incorrigible, you know that?”

Suga crossed his arms. “Thank you for lunch, honey. I’d starve without you, babe,” he said in a mocking tone.

“Thanks for embarrassing me in front of a member, too, babe,” Daichi rolled his eyes.

Sugawara just snickered. Daichi looked like he was gearing up for a lecture but Suga was saved when Nishinoya and Asahi wandered over. He high-fived Noya and gave Asahi, who was sweaty and breathing heavily, a smack in the gut. “Getting your ass kicked, huh? What’s the point of all those muscles if you can’t even spar with a guy like Noya without getting winded?”

“He’s way better at defense!” Asahi protested, looking deflated, “I can barely land a hit.”

Noya put a hand on his arm. “Asahi’s going great, he almost singed my eyebrows off! He just needs to have more confidence,” he beamed.

“Almost singeing your eyebrows off is exactly why I don’t have confidence.” Asahi sighed, glancing down at Noya’s hand with flushing cheeks.

Suga and Daichi exchanged glances but Suga just said, “Well I can’t stay, I have to get back to the restaurant before my break’s over. Are we still on for drinks with Tanaka later?”

“Actually Ryu said we should come by the diner later, he didn’t have any clients today so he picked up a shift to help Saeko out.”

Daichi scratched his head. “Are you sure she’s fine with us hanging out there? We get...rowdy sometimes.” 

“Big Sis Saeko? No way, she loves when we show up!” Noya gave a thumbs up.

Asahi laughed, “But does her boss?” 

“Hey, I get a free beer out of it either way so I don’t care,” Suga said with a grin, waving goodbye to Noya and Asahi as they returned to their workout. He turned to Daichi and tugged on the front of his shirt. “Now pay up for those noodles I worked so hard to deliver.” Before his boyfriend could protest, he pulled him in for a deep kiss. Suga released him with a sly smile playing over his lips. “See you later, Sawamura,” he breathed.

Their friends whistled and whooped as Daichi, red-faced once again, apologized profusely to his client. 

“Oi, Suga!” Noya yelled as he was leaving, “Tell the old man not to eat all my kale cookies!”

Suga delivered the message and grabbed a stack of fliers on his way out. As he settled into his seat on the streetcar, his eyes fell on a bubble at the bottom of the ad. 

Coming Next Month: Northways Bending Gym Hosts Its Annual Pro-Bending Borough Tournament!! Big Prize Money! A Chance to Play in the Official League!

He stared at the words for a minute. A smile slowly spread across his face as a stupid, amazing idea came into his head.

Suga raced excitedly home from work, but since their apartment was in the Little Water Tribe he didn’t really need to hurry to beat Daichi there. He jumped up when their front door opened, tossing aside his book. “Hey!”

“Hey.” Daichi dropped his gym bag in the entryway. Suga leaned in for a kiss but he merely pressed his lips against Suga’s forehead. 

Oh. 

Suga crossed his arms, leaning against the wall. “You’re still mad about earlier? Y’know, I wanted to grab your ass too, but I didn’t. So really you should be thanking me,” he teased, raising an eyebrow.

“Koshi-” Daichi sighed disappointedly. Suga’s expression deflated. He was in it now— mad Daichi was one thing, but disappointed Daichi was way worse. “You know I don’t mind when you stop by,” he frowned, putting his hands on Suga’s hips, “But Sifu Mineo already did so much giving me this job, and with the way the gym’s doing lately...”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry. I don’t want to scare away any customers,” Suga said, toying with the collar of Daichi’s shirt. He pursed his lips. “But sometimes I see the people you’re training and I feel like I gotta remind them who’s boss. I mean, who even was that one guy last week? I know it’s August but put a shirt on, y’know?”

Suga felt the grip on his waist tighten. A grin spread over Daichi’s face. “Wait a second. Is somebody jealous?”

“Okay, that’s not what I said-” Suga tapped Daichi’s chest as his face went red against his will.

Daichi laughed, grabbing his hands with flashing eyes. “No, you’re totally jealous! That’s adorable.”

“Alright, watch it,” he mumbled, “Or you’ll lose your seaweed noodle privileges even before I go back to teaching.”

But Daichi wasn’t done. He put on a sad face, evidently set on punishing Suga further. “You really think that poorly of me? That just the sight of a buff guy is enough to make me lose control?”

“No, you’re not my aunt.” Sugawara rolled his eyes. “Can we move on? I said I was sorry.”

“Fine.” Daichi held his chin and kissed him, smiling against his lips. “But y’know last week I really wanted to grab that guy’s ass, and I didn’t. So really you should be thanking me.”

Suga tsked. “Asshole,” he mumbled, clasping his hands around the back of Daichi’s neck to pull him closer. He could have fallen deep into that kiss, losing himself in the feeling of Daichi pressing him against the wall and burying his hands in his silver hair, but he forced himself to pull away. Daichi chased his lips but Suga only gave him a quick peck before ducking out of his touch. “There’s something I wanted to ask you-” He grabbed a Northways flier off the kitchen counter and held it out to Daichi, tapping the bottom. “Have you seen this?”

His boyfriend took it and sat down at the kitchen. “The pro-bending tournament? Yeah, Sifu Mineo does it every year. It’s sort of a minor league thing, there’s a few gyms across the city that host them to drum up support for local teams.” He glanced up and, seeing Suga’s eager expression, pressed his lips into a thin line. “I- are you serious? You want to enter?”

Suga sat beside him, grabbing his arm. “C’mon Daichi, at least consider it.”

“Suga, we haven’t done anything like this since our school days.” 

“That’s exactly why we should compete! Don’t you remember how fun it was, the rush?” He grinned, and could tell from the look on Daichi’s face that he was also getting flooded with memories from their days in the youth league. It’d been only semi-formal, but the competition could be fierce. It was how he, Suga, and Asahi had become good friends, and how they met Tanaka and Noya. It was also how they’d gotten to learn from some of the best benders in Republic City. “Besides, it’s not like that was ages ago. We’re not that old.”

Daichi couldn’t deny that his pulse had quickened at the thought of stepping into the ring again, but still, he hesitated. “I don’t know, Suga. The guys at these things are aspiring pros, would we even stand a chance?”

“With Sawamura the Rock? The guy who helped train the Avatar? We’ll demolish them!”

“Okay, I was never called the rock,” Daichi threw his head back in laughter, “But we were pretty good in high school, huh?”

“The best,” Suga grinned. “Well, maybe not the best- but if we work hard for the next month we could be a force to be reckoned with. And wouldn’t it be nice to bring in some extra money, maybe enough to finally move out?”

Daichi glanced around their studio apartment. They’d done it up nicely, but it definitely wasn’t ideal. “It would be nice not to live in the same building as your grandma.”

Suga snickered. “You mean you don’t love having to put out all twelve housewarming pelts whenever she shows up unannounced?” 

Daichi sighed, laying his hand over Suga’s with a smile. “Alright, fine. Let’s do it.”

“Yes!” Sugawara grabbed his face and kissed him. 

“Hold up-” Daichi raised his brows. “You know he’ll never agree to this.”

“Oh, he’ll agree. I have a plan.”

—

Tanaka, fresh off a busboy shift and still wearing a rag around his head, was already scarfing down a combo platter when their group got to the Dragon Flats Diner later that night. He waved them down, calling something incomprehensible through a mouthful of food.

“-I just don’t think I can do it,” Asahi was saying.

“See? I told you, he’s a coward.” Daichi leveled a look of disdain at him as they slid into their booth.

Before Asahi, who was already sweating under his friend’s frigid gaze, could defend himself Saeko appeared with a tablet and pen in her hand. “What’s up guys? Yu, looking cool as always! Sawamura, I see you’re keeping it tight.” She elbowed Daichi’s shoulder roughly and winked at Suga. “Sorry for spoiling your barhopping plans tonight, but wasn’t my baby brother so sweet to help me out?” She grinned devilishly, putting Tanaka in a headlock until he started choking on a dumpling.

They all assured her it was no problem and enthusiastically accepted her offer of free fire flakes. Sugawara suggested they order drinks and their conversation wandered naturally, from work to Tanaka’s dating life to Kageyama’s latest write-up in the tabloids. When Saeko plunked a mug of beer down in front of Asahi, Suga grinned. “Drink up, Asahi! It’s on me.” 

Daichi side-eyed him. “This is your plan?” he muttered.

“You’re not going to buy me off, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Asahi warned as he took a sip. 

Suga scoffed into his drink. “So suddenly the mouse has found his courage, huh?” 

Asahi rubbed the back of his neck meekly but wouldn’t budge on the subject no matter what tactic Suga and Daichi tried, be it flattery, bribery, or blackmail. The argument lasted through their second round, when Asahi said, “I was never good, anyway! I’d only hold you guys back. Why don’t you ask Tanaka?” 

“Oh hell no-” Tanaka drained his mug and slammed it down on the table. “You know I’d never leave my bro like that. If I’m on a pro-bending team with anyone, it’s Noya.”

“Hell yeah!” Nishinoya shouted, raising his glass. “Wait— should we join the old man’s bending tournament?!”

Tanaka’s face lit up. “It would be sweet to get that prize money. You think Gramps would rig the bracket for us?”

Asahi sputtered into his beer. “Do you even have a waterbender?”

“Duh, Ennoshita will do it!”

“You sure about that?” Daichi smiled.

“Of course!” Noya beamed, a determined glint in his eye, “We can get the old team back together, and we’ll kick just as much ass as we did in high school!”

“And we can come up with a kick-ass new name,” Tanaka cackled. “Something manly, like the Blazing Tigersharks!”

“Or the Blazing Sea Vultures!”

“Or the Blazing Demon Wolfbats!”

“Demon wolfbats?” Daichi asked.

Suga raised a brow. “Why are they blazing?”

Noya shook his head like they were children too young to understand something obvious. “It’s always cooler when they’re blazing.”

“See what you’re missing, Asahi?” Suga laughed, “Getting the old team back together? We could re-brand as the Blazing Spiderwasps.”

Asahi was clearly trying not to give in, but he couldn’t help smiling. “Way cooler than the plain old Crows. What were we thinking?”

“So you’ll do it?” Daichi prompted.

“I dunno...” Asahi looked down at his drink. “I don’t want to end up inconveniencing you guys.”

Daichi leaned forward, his expression serious. “Asahi, I once saw a guy take a dive off the arena rather than face one of your fireballs head-on. You were one of the best guys in the league.”

“You can’t honestly tell us you don’t miss it,” Suga went on, “You spend all day in that stuffy tailor’s shop, just training with Noya can’t be enough. Won’t you at least give it a shot? This is just a local tournament, the pressure’s low. Let’s reunite the Crows!”

Asahi hesitated for a long minute, glancing between his friends’ boring eyes and Noya’s encouraging nods. Finally he sighed, hanging his head. When he lifted it back up, he was grinning. “Okay. Let’s go for it!”

The table erupted in cheers. Noya clapped Asahi on the back and Suga grabbed his hands tightly. Tanaka stood up in his seat to holler across the room for more beer.

The moon loomed high in the night sky by the time they staggered out of the Dragon Flats Diner. They left Tanaka in Saeko’s hands after multiple promises that she wouldn’t let him fall off her motorcycle. Nishinoya and Asahi both lived nearby so they went off together, vowing to have a scrimmage at Northways by the end of the week. Daichi and Suga waved goodbye and set off for the streetcar arm in arm, laughing as they heard Noya’s booming voice echo down the block. 

“I hope the trolley is still running,” Daichi said, glancing at the clock on the corner, “I don’t wanna have to walk all the way to the railway station.”

“If it’s out you’re carrying me home,” Suga mumbled, already making Daichi prop him up as he leaned into him and wrapped his arms around his waist. He nuzzled his face against the warm plane of Daichi’s chest. “You could do it. You’re so strong.”

Daichi giggled, the laugh that always came out when he was tipsy, and kissed the top of Suga’s head. “If you say so, Koshi,” he smiled, brushing a stray lock of hair from his boyfriend’s flushed face. 

“It’s true!” 

“You think?” Daichi grinned and suddenly scooped his arm under Suga’s knees to lift him up to his chest in a smooth motion. He teetered for a second, laughing as Sugawara squawked his name. When Suga threw his arms around the back of Daichi’s neck to anchor himself, he pulled him up further to press a soft, slow kiss to his lips. Suga made a little noise and started kissing him back but Daichi nearly lost his balance completely and had to put him down. They stood in each other’s arms on the street corner, laughing and trying to catch their breath, until they heard the tinkling bell of an approaching trolley. 

“Oh crap! Daichi, we gotta go!” Suga grabbed his hand and pulled him along as they ran to the stop. 

They collapsed onto an empty bench and let the rumbling of the car fill their comfortable silence as it lumbered toward the Little Water Tribe. Suga let his head fall against Daichi’s shoulder, his eyes closing under the weight of the night’s beer. The gentle rise and fall of his boyfriend’s chest, the steadiness of the hand on his shoulder, was comforting. “I love you, Daichi,” he sighed.

He felt Daichi’s chest vibrate with a hum. “I love you, too.”

“We’re gonna kick some pro-bending ass, right?”

A puff of air tickled his hair. “Right, Suga.”

[achieveandhunt]

live typing extra life 2019

warning: this a fucking LONG post. if you plan on reading it all, godspeed.

i typed all of this as it was happening on stream so this gets progressively less coherent as i grow more sleep deprived. prepare yourselves. i may or may not go off topic at some points

larry vehemently vomiting pure malic acid. we’re off to a great start

what the fuck the soggy ass popcorn in that ranch jesus christ

lindsay in the song from AH the musical. i love her so much

jeremy going YAAAAAAY after someone eats a cursed oreo

matt getting AGGRESSIVELY kissed by larry

“this kiss this kiss” before geoff and jack kiss

geoff “i’m from alabama” ramsey

THIS FUCKING RANCH SEGMENT HAS ME GAGGING

jeremy “the alcohol demon the whiskey goblin” dooley

alfredo “you wont believe what the white people did today” diaz

DUSK BOYS DUSK BOYS DUSK BOYS GET THAT DICK ESSENCE

wait why does it sound like wonderwall

they look like characters from the matrix

the speaking parts. make my teeth hurt

in conclusion: they weren’t kidding abt the tight pants 

okay everyone get ready for eric soundboard spamming YEAH BABEY

“hi i’m from broadcast and i don’t want to be here” they represent themselves well

also, let’s take a second to appreciate broadcast here!! they have a really tough job and don’t get a ton of credit. lots of love to all of broadcast!!! you guys are awesome

i am: foreseeing problems with this eric sound board

which one is eric?? will the real eric please stand up?? was the real eric the one we found along the way??

“i’m... just really worried that i won’t ever find love-” “i really don’t care”

WHY DO THEY HAVE THAT ON THE SOUNDBOARD (what does that apply to? whatever it is you’re thinking of, but mostly “daddy wants some”)

ooh someone’s about to get a fReE tongue piercing from a pineapple

god dammit i went to the bathroom for thirty seconds and now they’re eating chad’s chest hair

owie the shock collar and belly slap look painful, but drinking natty light from a shoe? that’s a true punishment

“and this roast was brought to you by meundies”

ah yes what better way is there to end a segment than people throwing up

“man action” oh no

THROBERT MULVEINY

K A R B is blind in T W O of her eyes

“my last name is cottagecheese”

I HAVE A PIECE OF METAL SHOVED UP MY A S S 

chris has somehow managed to lose 23 years of age and roughly 412 pounds

“just open throat like baby bird” who the fuck is writing this and why is it jeremy

jon. jon you’re breathing in adam’s ass fumes

a summary of this segment: ass and cottage cheese

BARB IS HERE I REPEAT BARB IS HERE

“to fitness” -starts choking-

final fitness coach: tad, here to workout your issues so they can beat you into submission

“will you buy my wet” well i don’t see that on the raffle items

we’re back folks & i’m loving this walk around segment

moonball wall and gavin&michael will soon be reunited can we get an F in the chat

jeremy getting a borderlands tattoo is very on brand

what’s extra life without a little satan

“starvation army, putting lead back into paint, increasing childhood obesity” people in chat: TAKE MY MONEY

chris “i’m doing a different hole” demarais

ah yes. the game we all play in hell: twister

nobody edit chris getting mustard shot down his throat. i’m scarred enough from the original clip

oh fuck. oh god. the mayo. oh god what the fuck is up with the misuse of condiments this year

this just in: a human soul costs roughly $12,700

D̷̯͑̆̈́͝Õ̸̲͎̥̬͈̬̙͕̲G̸̢̧̠͉͚̙̲̙̓̔̀̇S̷̥̀́͆̈́̇̀ ̶̣̞̗͚̬̭̖̦͇̈́̎̈́̿̓̈́͆̒̋D̷̙̟̩̫͉̺̐̊̚Ö̶̥́̋́̓ͅĜ̵̞̌͋̏̉̌̕͝͝S̵̤̹̣̫̮̻͛̍̑̕͝͝ ̷̧̨̞̙̥̟̜͍̉̍̑̏̇̀̾D̴̻̮̩̯͓͉̖͎̘͐̒͋̓̉͝ͅỎ̶̰͓̳̥͑̅͛͊̒͐͊͘̚G̵̩̻̦̥̠̃̔Ş̶̹͚̩̱͖̀͆͘ ̸̢̢͇̻͔̗̺̼͖̱̏̾̔̚D̴̨̨̫̙̃̾̋̾̆̓̓Ớ̷̡͓͎͊G̶̱̣̣̰̝̖̰̗̓͐̐̊͋̀͊̀̕͝Ş̷̩̺̬̖͙̺̟͗̈́͒͗̀̑́́̕͠ ̷̡͈̼̲͈̳̫̺̝̈́̋͌͗̒ͅD̸̨̬̞̪̗̘̄̑͆̿̈́͘͠͝O̸̡̡͇͕̻͎͍͉̅̌͗̄͌̑̉̔͂̎Ḡ̸͙̟̪̞̬̬͕͐̈̏S̶̝̪̼̮̠̜̭̳͖̘̑

urine: to help with aerodynamics

jon: maya, speak! maya: *the smallest arwoo*

today’s mvp: any dog. pick one. no matter which you pick, you’re right

how the fuck did blaine change back from satan so quickly

barb as a cat is... my new sleep paralysis demon

blaine: barbara speak! barbara: climate change is real

#dogsforkids

this just in: extra life killed my wifi

we’re back & kdin is in the business of killing people with spice. she is the spice queen

queue six thousand well-timed 1337 donations

HOLY SHIT THAT’S COLIN FROM WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY

hmm “questionable liquids” is very... questionable

trevor: oh there’s four of them! we all get to join in the Fuckkkk

“what’s your favorite kind of candy” “any meat”

i like pickles and i would rather rip my eyebrows off than drink the juice so i feel for trevor

the only thing worse than drinking apple cider vinegar is shooting it out of your nose

“can you feel the love tonight” “i used to and that’s the problem”

“flubs every word man” damn, really missed the chance to say captain hair

jeremy not being able to intentionally flub his words is so fucking funny

OK BOOMER 

wow i can feel my blood pressure spike just watching these shots

Xavier Woods is here and he wants to know if it’s Christmas

miles doesn’t know what a question is

WHERE’S YOUR HAIR

oh no. oh no helping hands is next. everyone clear a splash zone

CHEF MIKE CHEF MIKE CHEF MIKE

miles bossing around chef mike is priceless

“you leave that fucking dough on the floor”

“you wanna slam your hands down on the table” *pizza sauce goes flying everywhere*

HOEDOWN HOEDOWN HOEDOWN jesus why do i keep doing that

“If Colin Mochrie is listening, I’ll see you here next year” OH FUCK YEAH

--- this is when i take a break so my soul can return to my body (aka i have work to turn in. college will never not be a pain in my ass) ---

oh god dammit i missed all of Always Open. fuck college who needs a medical degree

so... we have some very interesting things happening in family feud and i’m not sure if i like any of them

hmm. is now the time to get drunk

oily twist feels very... ominous

what do you mean you don’t remember gandalf having a taser in lord of the rings?

someone in the chat said “big stupid sleeping thing is what my parents called me in high school”

i think i’m blacking out what’s going on i don’t remember the past two hours

ah yes. voldemort and snape having a talk show together sounds exactly like something J.K. Rowling would make a spinoff book or show or porno of

can we just talk about how much shit chris has been doing this year? what a guy. what a dude

“coldy with voldy” actually means getting knocked the fuck out cold because you only got three hours of sleep last night and you don’t want to miss chef mike and lindsay cooking

this snape poem is summarized by one phrase: “that was terrible sit the fuck down” (sorry chris)

“let’s destroy a weasley” enter chad

fucking called it

“you smell poor” i need a caffeine drip

heh the wheel spins are at 69 heh nice

i’m a grown ass woman

welcome to a section called: we torture chad for your entertainment

“who wants us to kill weasley?” *massive cheers from the audience*

“wait weasley step away from the wideshot so i can masturbate to this later”

“i’m not gonna rub my eye mom”

oh they’re really gonna kill chad on stream huh

i felt that chest slap in my soul

i think i felt my own ribs crack

oh fucking

tumblr deleted my thoughts on the fanfic section

alright. fine. brief summary: my teeth are burning

my mom lindsay is on next and i’m so excited but i’m nearing the point of loopiness so things will go downhill dramatically from here

this is my fucking fourth extra life, you would think i’d be smart enough to sleep the night before

LINDSAY LINDSAY LINDSAY THAT’S MY MOM

JEREMY JEREMY JERE- wait a second... did jeremy get taller

oH CHEF MIKE CHEF MIKE CHEF MIKE

i hope Xavier comes back next year because he’s funny as fuck

m y a t t

oh god the mcdonald’s shade i’m rolling

lindsay “who’s the chef here” jones

chef mike mentioned mayo and i involuntarily gagged

chef mike clowning the big mac. i’m crying

he made the right choice with ryan bc i’ve seen his cooking stream(s) and it’s nothing if not great content

i heARD A MICHAEL JONES

“lindsay you haven’t done anything but warm up cookies so far” “yeah and?? you’re welcome”

you know that classic snack. slightly warm oreos

JEREMY THE LIQUOR GOBLIN DOOLEY IS BACK

oh god him screeching across set is making me cry laughing

why does it remind me of trevor’s voice cracks in the one minecraft ep where they’re singing the lion king

the biggest spoon for the smallest shot glass

i just realized we’re not even halfway through yet and i’m scared for the length of this list i’m gonna end up falling asleep involuntarily at some point

lindsay no your teeth are going to errode from that shot in your mouth

well timed leet donation #1829495

this gorden ramsey bit is so fucking good

jack: what do you think of the arugala? matt: i don’t even know what you said

iT’s NoT jUsT tWo CoOkIeS miCHeAL

jeremy and michael just chillin amidst the choas is exactly my demeanor at any party i’ve ever been to

lindsay scores: ryan = 7 because diet coke, matt = still eating lindsay’s meal so it’s a 10, xavier = also still eating it so it’s an 8. total: 25

“deep fry everything but a remote control”

chef mike scores: ryan = 9 for no death, matt = greens are present, words were said, score is 8. xavier = Gourmet Mcdonald’s, food is edible, score is 8. total: 25

oh fuck it’s a tie

now they fight to the death. death = doing as many shots as possible

i think we’re all going to need liver transplants after tonight

no jesus please don’t vomit oh goD oh fUc k please- oh thank god

okay i’m making a part two this is too much

[ichigopanhpff]

BNHA Fic: Blink! Ch. 26

Read Ch. 25 | Masterlist

Hark, I live!!!!! While I’m not back full time, I still wanted to post this chapter. Per usual, this is spoiler territory if you don’t read the manga and this will definitely be in the next anime season of BNHA.

With Winter Break in full swing, the U.A. students occupied themselves with their own thing; this was the only time they’d be free before jumping into their internships in the new year. The elevator dinged at the far end of the room, with Bakugou emerging from it in workout gear. He followed the sound of a rhythmic thumping and saw someone in a sweatshirt with the hood pulled over their face giving it to a sandbag with their boxing gloves. Their audible huffing breaths synced with every punch. Ren had her wireless headphones on with music pumping through it loudly. She couldn’t hear the blond boy’s footsteps approaching.

She couldn’t believe what she did in Todoroki’s room.

When the hell did she get that ballsy?!

And why did she even say that?!

Suppressing her urge to groan, it only made her punch the bag harder with a louder grunt that sound more like a growl from her throat.

She’s made her bed; all she could do was lay in it.

Upon feeling the stiffness of the sandbag hitting something solid, she stopped with a confused gaze and peered over to the other side to see a familiar person staring at her with vermilion orbs. His mouth was moving but she heard nothing.

The pink-haired girl held her index finger up and proceeded to pause her music before taking one of her headphones out, immediately apologizing.

“I’ve been callin’ you for the past three minutes.” Bakugou crossed his arms and cocked his head. “Where’s the fire?”

“There’s no fire,” she panted out and proceeded to remove her gloves to grab her water bottle on the floor to drink out of.

“Doesn’t look like it to me, seeing how hard you were goin’ at the bag.”

“Maybe I just felt like punching something really hard. Ever thought about that?” Ren replied with bite and wiped her mouth of excess water and sweat with her sleeve.

Setting the bottle back down, she removed her hood, revealing a sticky, sweaty mat of rose gold locks stuck to her cheeks and forehead. Her face scrunched up with a look of disgust while peeling her locks from her face by clumsily combing her bandaged hands through.

“You look like a drowned rat,” Bakugou snickered watching her.

“This is me on a good day,” she deadpanned and rolled her eyes. “You here to work out or flap your gums?”

“What, I can’t make civil conversation with an upperclassman?” he arrogantly retorted. “We will be at the same internship in a few days.”

Oh, damn. The internship with Endeavor’s agency.

Her, Bakugou, Midoriya and Todoroki.

What if his feelings changed after thinking them through? What if she’s misinterpreting this again like she did with Mirio-senpai’s after the fact?

It was then she mentally yelled at herself for always only thinking things through halfway. The confused boy looked at Ren as her face contorted into an annoyed expression.

“What, my company bugs you that much?” Bakugou questioned with a hint of contempt.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” she quickly snipped and sighed. “Sorry. There’s just… an extremely annoying thought I’m trying to rid myself of.” The girl pursed her lips and let out a hard breath through her nose.

“Listen, I’m not the kinda guy to do this kinda shit, but y’know...” He scratched the back of his head uncomfortably before continuing. “I’ll listen… to your crap… n’ stuff. If you wanna talk,” he muttered and shoved his hands into his sweat pockets.

Ren’s eyes widened with surprise for a moment and slowly softened them with a small smile.

“And here I thought that mouth can only spew out snark,” she teased with a smirk.

He audibly scoffed and turned away, embarrassed having even thrown out that suggestion. The blond boy then felt a tap on his exposed bicep; it was from Ren’s bandaged fist making contact.

“Thanks though,” she said with a lopsided smirk and gathered her belongings before leaving. “I’ll keep that in mind. Have fun working out.”

Ren made her way to the showers to wash away all the sweat she exuded. She changed up her usual workout routine to train for a new fighting style for close range combat. Having Bakugou and Todoroki as her training partners, she’d been making adjustments to her movements to improve the speed of her takedowns. Upper body strength had long been an issue for her, having focused most of them on her legs due to her quirk. Hence, the sandbag coming into play.

Stretching out her arms to the point where she was comfortable, she quickly changed to head over to the 2-A dorms to hang out with Seri and Tomoe before their internships took them away from each other. Seri was going to intern with Mirko, whereas Tomoe was going to be with Edgeshot.

The meeting point was always Tomoe’s room; it was warm, homey and comfortable like a burrow. The two joked her porcupine quirk may have been the influence. Settling in from the wintry cold, Tomoe handed her a cup of freshly made green tea, to which she gratefully accepted.

“So did you talk to Todoroki-kun?” Seri asked and threw a chocolate mushroom biscuit into her mouth.

“So I may have kinda, sorta did a thing that I didn’t quite think through...” Ren spoke quickly in one breath and rubbed her left earlobe.

“Again?” the two simultaneously blurted out with exasperation with quirked eyebrows; she could only flatten her lips into a thin line and glared.

“Y’know, I’m feeling very attacked and sense major hostility right now,” she defensively huffed and crossed her arms. “I dunno if I wanna talk anymore.”

“If you’d stop doing dumb ass things and actually thought your actions through, you wouldn’t be here,” Tomoe harshly pointed out. “So what’d you do, kiss him?”

Ren avoided eye contact as she noisily slurped her tea. The tense silence broke with the collision of limbs on the floor.

“Please tell me it wasn’t on the lips,” Seri quickly said.

“… Cheek.”

“Revenge?” Tomoe asked.

“Something like that. We… halfway confessed to each other?”

“How do you halfway confess something?” Seri asked with a tone of confusion and threw arms hands up in frustration. “That’s like stitching two stories of different genres together without a cut scene for leeway.”

“I guess the fabled ‘unspoken mutual attraction’ does exist,” Tomoe noted and popped a chocolate treat into her mouth.

“I dunno… The timing felt right, I guess,” she shrugged. “We basically decided to figure out our stuff first and talk again when we’re ready to.”

“Wait...” Tomoe paused. “Isn’t your internship with him and his dad?”

“Don’t remind me,” Ren groaned and cupped her forehead into her hand.

“I mean, you already met his mom. Guess it was ‘bout time for his dad,” Seri reasoned half-jokingly.

“Why are you making it sound like I’m meeting the in-laws?”

“Because you put yourself in situations like these that make us think otherwise.”

“You’re not gonna let your feelings get in the way of your internship, right?” Tomoe asked in half-seriousness.

“Of course not!” Ren strongly exclaimed. “It’s all business when I suit up.”

“Just wanna make sure.”

–

Given the strict rules since the U.A. dorms had been implemented, the faculty allowed students to go home for New Year’s Eve to spend with their family with a pro hero escort. Ren was welcomed home with the aromas of her mom’s cooking that immediately signaled her stomach to growl out loud. The annual Kohaku* was playing on TV in the background while Ren spaced out by staring out the living room window, admiring the calm night as she sipped her hot chocolate. Living in the dorms was nice, but there was no replacing the comforts of home.

Her phone chimed to life with a notification on the coffee table to grab her attention back. Setting her mug down gently, she grabbed the device with her hand and immediately grinned.

It was a New Year message from Melissa. As she scanned through the email, several notifications popped off from her group chat with Tomoe and Seri. The poor owl girl was bored to death at home and hid herself away in her room while her parents entertained pompous people at their party. Ren sent an animated emoji of a random panda playing the world’s smallest violin, to which she replied with an Aggretsuko fiery rage screaming one. After a few more exchanges, Seri decided to “show face” for a few more minutes for her parents’ sake.

After dinner, she and her mom watched Downtown’s Annual No Laughing New Year’s special**, a tradition in the Takahiro household. There was nothing like welcoming the new year with laughter by seeing old geezers get their butts slapped in as punishment for laughing at dumb gags done by guest celebrity assassins and themselves. As midnight got closer, Ren started to slowly drift away to sleep; her mom, however, gave up an hour ago and turned in for the night. Had her phone not chirped from several message notifications, she would’ve ended up face planting right on the hard part of the sofa.

She unlocked her screen to see several New Year greetings from Class 1-A, with photo attachments of what they’re watching, eating and doing. Ren promptly replied her message and took a photo of her legs propped up on the coffee table with the TV screen of Matsumoto mid-slap in the background. The moment she set her phone back down, the mobile device chirped to life again.

Her eyes grew wide in surprise.

It was from Todoroki.

She opened up the message reading, “Happy New Year, Ren-senpai. I’ll be in your care again this year. Will you be on the same bus as us tomorrow?”

“His writing’s so formal,” she remarked to herself in astonishment.

She typed out her response to let him know she’ll be riding with her class and already asked ahead of time to be dropped off in front of Endeavor’s office. Before hitting send, she thanked him again for getting her a spot with his dad’s agency.

Todoroki simply answered, “You’re welcome. I look forward to interning and spending more time together.”

How like him.

She couldn’t help but grin ear to ear like a shy schoolgirl, staring at the message. For a moment, she thought to herself maybe this internship will help both of them figure out just what their feelings were for each other after all.

Victoria practically had to shake Ren awake or she’d end up missing her ride. Hastily washing up and changing into her school uniform, her mom presented her with a new red infinity scarf.

“Since you told me you gave yours away to a little kid, I figured I take my needles out and make you one,” the elder Takahiro presented with a beaming grin.

“Thanks mom.” She looked down at the soft accessory with a wide smile and put it on, feeling the maternal warmth envelop her. Was this how Eri felt when she accepted her gift? Ren gave her mom a tight hug before grabbing her belongings to head out.

“Be safe out there, okay?”

“Three of the strongest students from 1-A will be with me along with the number one hero,” she spoke into her mom’s shoulder. “I think I’ll be fine.”

Pulling away from the hug, she gave her mom a peck on the cheek before putting the shoes on.

“Love you, mom. Stay warm!”

Making her way out of her building, the gentle wintry winds of the New Year softly greeted her as she walked to the school shuttle bus waiting at the entrance. Several students from her class were already on it and exchanged new year greetings with one another. Once the bus picked up the last student, they started dropping each one off at their respective internships.

“Kick some butt, Ren-Ren,” Tomoe encouraged.

“Don’t get set on fire now,” Seri teased.

“Try not to hunt the pro hero, Seri,” Ren teased back before exiting the bus with her hero costume and bag in tow. She changed into her costume’s boots on the bus before getting off; they were much warmer to wear than her sneakers. Glancing around, she walked for a bit until she saw the back of three familiar heads. As if sensing her presence, they turned at the same time and did their New Years greetings exchange.

“You made a new scarf?” Todoroki noticed the new accessory adorning her neck.

“A gift from Mama Takahiro,” she beamed happily with pink cheeks and snuggled it into the bottom half of her face. “It’s so warm. I love it.”

“We gonna stand here all day or what?” Bakugou nonchalantly replied and turned around.

“So randomish question...” their upperclassman began. “What are your hero names? I already know Mido-kun’s...”

“Bakugou.”

“Shouto.”

Ren emitted a strange noise from her throat and stopped in her steps.

“Really? That’s what you wanna convey to society?” she flat out said.

“Well, all of my other ideas got rejected, okay?” Bakugou replied defensively.

“What was your reasoning behind using ‘Blink’ then, senpai?” Todoroki asked out of curiosity.

“I want people to think I’ll be there quickly to help,” she firmly stated.

“That’s… actually really good,” Midoriya commended and placed his hand on his chin. “Gives off reassurance, timeliness and trust.”

“When choosing your name, you should think about not only the hero you see yourself as, but how others see you. It’s very superficial, but that’s how society is, sadly. You’ve seen it all over the news with the opinion polls lately,” she lectured. “Also, using something that personal is really high risk. Think of how many people in Japan have your last name, Bakkun; and how many people have your first, Todo-kun. Anyone with a brain can look up your family registry online and do face matching.”

The tall blond boy stood stationary, reflecting on her advice and Best Jeanist’s when he was interning at his agency. He was the type to think things out clearly; never once did he consider using his surname would put his parents in harm’s way.

“Anyway, if you need some help, I’ll be more than happy to brainstorm some ideas over with you two,” she encouraged with a small smile.

The group walked on making small conversation about what they did during their New Years. Getting closer to the entrance of the agency, the group saw a tall and intimidating looking man with spiky red hair with a scar covering the majority of the left side of his face. His piercing turquoise blue eyes looked like he was staring into their souls.

“Welcome to Endeavor Agency,” the tall muscular man greeted with a smile that soon morphed into a scowl. “Was that the kinda welcome you were expecting? I’m in no mood for that.”

Endeavor scanned the four students and suddenly focused on Ren for some reason. Her hazel-green eyes stared straight into his, trying her best not to give into his overwhelming presence. Her hand gripped the handle of her costume case tightly. His gaze then broke from hers and went back to the three boys.

This was the man responsible for all of his son’s loneliness and self-loathing. Part of her wanted to punch his lights out, but the other half of her wanted to see the change in him Todoroki mentioned.

If this is what it’ll take to be a strong hero, she’ll exercise restraint.

“I reluctantly gave permission for this only because Shouto asked,” he harshly deemed. “Even though I wanted him to come alone.”

“But you did give permission, so quit complaining,” the younger Torodoki shot back harshly.

“Sh-Shouto!”

Bakugou, Midoriya and Ren looked on quietly, not wanting any part of the small family squabble.

“I’ve been thinkin’ about this since the licensing classes...” Bakugou began. “This guy’s a jerk.”

“Shouto!” Endeavor scolded. “Are you actually friends with this boy?!”

“But if this means I get to watch the top hero at work, I’ll put up with it,” the blond boy casually finished.

“I thought I told you to choose your friends carefully!” the Todoroki patriarch directed his scowl at his son, with the other party unfazed with his yelling.

“Thank you for accepting us,” Midoriya strongly greeted. Endeavor’s gaze fell on the small viridian hair colored boy with a neutral gaze. “We’re here to learn, sir!”

The tall man turned on he heels of his shoes and started walking, with the heroes in training following suit.

“’Shouto’s not me...’” Endeavor muttered out within an earshot. “That’s what you said to me.”

“Huh?” Midoriya responded in confusion.

In the blink of an eye, the four saw the tall and muscular man jump over the pedestrian guard rail to rush over to a growing commotion. The flames on his face quickly emerged and firmly declared, “Sorry to burst your bubbles, but Shouto’s the only one I want to train. You wanna learn? Stand back and watch!”

As his eyes darted back, he was shocked to see all four students jump into the fray with him with partial pieces of their costumes already equipped. Bakugou slapped on his right grenade gauntlet and tossed his case behind him with Deku slipping on his right glove. Shouto used his ice quirk to up his mobility, still holding onto his case. Blink managed to put her mask on and activated her T-batons.

“Tell us what we can do!”

“I told you to stand back!” the flame hero reiterated. “And watch!”

Endeavor blasted off at full speed, easily leaving the interns behind.

“Stay behind me and watch?!” Shouto growled out in annoyance.

“We won’t be able to if we can’t keep up with him!” Deku shouted.

The four continued to chase after the moving fireball to the best of their abilities; even Blink was struggling and shocked at how fast he was given his muscular stature.

“Guys!” she shouted and stopped in her steps and caught her breath. The three gradually followed suit and looked back at her in confusion as she kept on staring at Endeavor’s shrinking form.

“What are you doin’?!” Bakugou yelled impatiently.

“Grab onto me.”

The three boys hastily made their way over and placed their hand on her shoulders and left forearm.

“Hold on tight.”

The pink-haired girl exhaled a breath and disappeared from the sight of passerbyers and zipped down the path. While Todoroki already knew how it felt teleporting with her, Bakugou and Deku were at a loss for words.

This feeling of moving at lightning speed while everything was in slow motion frames like a film reel confused their senses. It felt like their eyes were deceiving them as the world around them turned monochromatic. The floating weightlessness of their bodies were horrifying and exhilarating. In a matter of seconds, they closed in on the back of Endeavor who was about to follow the perpetrator through a narrow alleyway.

A sudden flash of light brought them back to real time, the four heard the Flaming Hero shout “Evacuate the area!” to another hero. Gathering their bearings and footing back on solid ground, the interns went around the other way, in hopes of meeting the pro hero halfway through to assist. Making their way down the block, they saw three hoodlums with pipes and knives at the ready to attack Endeavor. They made it just in time to intercept the underlings with their own quirks while Endeavor took care of the ring leader.

However, the fruits of their efforts in playing catch-up was short lived when familiar flying feathers headed at them and grabbed the bad guys instead.

“Oh! You guys must be the interns!” Hawks greeted mid-action as he swooped his way in.

“Hawks?!” Deku and Blink called out.

“Sorry! Looks like I was just one step faster!” the winged hero casually apologized.

“I thought Endeavor might have been in trouble, so here I am.”

“Did I look like I was?” Endeavor shot back, his attention still on the glass manipulating quirk user.

Hawks slowed his flight and eased himself back on the ground. He then casually walked up to the young Todoroki.

“He did, didn’t he Shouto?”

“Wha– Uh, sure,” the bi-coloured haired boy stuttered out in midst of the confusion.

“I told you to let me know ahead of time if you planned on coming here,” the Flame Hero reminded the heroic bird with a tone of annoyance.

“I just happened to be in the neighborhood, is all.”

“Hawks!”

Blink staggered up to him, ready to give him a piece of her mind, feeling the after effects of vertigo and exhaustion from over-teleporting.

“Oh, if it isn’t my favorite former intern,” he turned and greeted with a beaming grin.

“Don’t you use thatcharm on me, you air-headedchicken,” she shot back and pointed a wobbly warning finger and slurred, “And don’tleavemeon read! I’ve been tryingto contact you forweeks!”

Blink staggered back a few steps and held her forehead into her palm, huffing audible breaths to fight the nausea. Her vertigo was worse when she teleported with more than two people compared to overusing Flicker on herself.

“Sorry, sorry,” he apologized with a lighthearted chuckle, sensing how bad her side effect was this time based on the dilation of her pupils.

“That… was meant to sound threatening, by the way,” she enunciated her words to rid herself of her current lazy tongue.

“I figured.”

Hawks walked up to the pink-haired girl and placed his hand on top of her head, knowing how much she hated it. In a short beat, her senses came back to normal. All she could do was stand there and pout with puffed up cheeks.

Todoroki couldn’t help but notice how quickly her demeanor changed from before. She looked like a bashful schoolgirl in front of a crush. He felt a sudden tinge of pain and irritation form inside him; it was the same feeling he had when he saw Bakugou pick up Ren during the Christmas party.

“It’s just...” she let out a light sigh and muttered, “Since Best Jeanist’s disappearance, it’s hardnot to think of the worst when I didn’t hear from you.”

“I didn’t mean for you to worry,” he spoke gently at her with a matching smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “But I’m here now. I’m fine, you see?”

The police arrived moments later to apprehend the villains. The lackeys screamed, “We were only following orders from the Servant of the Stars!” as their defense, while the main villain was demanding to be released. The four interns removed their hero gear and placed it back into their cases.

“That man is the source of darkness!” the bearded villain screamed. “That light he emits shall summon the darkness! And our demise along with it!”

Despite the policemen ignoring the man’s insane pleas, the words seemed to have effected Endeavor. The three boys introduced themselves to Hawks while everything was being wrapped up.

“My name is Midoriya! Pleased to meet you, sir,” the green haired boy greeted.

“Oh, you’re that kid who blew up his own fingers,” Hawks mentioned. “I’ve heard all about you from Tsukuyomi. I wanted to work with you too but...”

“Oh, is Tokoyami continuing his internship with you?”

“He’s working with my sidekicks back in my neck of the woods,” he replied with a slight tone of regret. “I’ve just been so busy lately and… I actually kinda...”

Hawks glanced over at Bakugou cautiously, who was currently glaring daggers at him.

“Feel bad for him,” he finished his thought.

“Just so we’re clear,” Bakugou interrupted the rest of Midoriya’s conversation. “I got there faster than you back there.”

“Hm, I wonder,” Hawks taunted with a light chuckle.

Once the police drove away, Endeavor drew his attention back to the winged hero.

“And what business do you have with me, Hawks?!” he gruffly asked.

“It’s not ‘business’ exactly, but...” He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled something out. “Have you read this book?”

The cover read “Paranormal Liberation Front.”

“Have you heard of it? These guys have really been growing lately and they’re garnering even more attention after that civilian resistance in Deika City!” he promoted. “It’s an old memorandum, but it really foresaw our current state of society pretty well! ‘If only a limited amount of people are allowed to live freely, the consequences will fall on those who weren’t granted that right’ or so it says.”

The five looked at Hawks in confusion. What was he going on about?

“If you don’t have a lot of time, just read the section I bookmarked, okay?”

Paranormal Liberation Front… Why did that title sound so familiar? Ren thought to herself. And why was Hawks so long-winded about it? Her eyes focused on him, trying to read between the lines of what he was trying to relay to the number one hero.

“Destro’s ideals are everything we wanted!” Hawks continued on. “A society where everyone can look out for themselves! It really does fit this age!”

“What are you talking about?” Endeavor asked just as confused as he was from before.

“If we can make that a reality, then we’ll have all the free time in the world, Endeavor!” he firmly stated in seriousness. The Flame Hero’s eyes grew wide, as if he remembered something and stared at him with dubious concern. Hawks’ usual happy-go-lucky expression soon turned solemn and placed the book into Endeavor’s hand.

“Make sure you give it a read, alright?”

“A recommended reading from the number two?!” Midoriya piped up excitedly. “Now I want to read it too! Maybe I’ll learn the secret to his speed...”

“I… don’t think that book has anything to do with his speed, Mido-kun,” Ren dismissed with a nervous look.

The flying hero swiftly turned around, with several books already in his hand, beaming, “You’ll be happy to know I brought extra copies then!”

“He’s so well prepared!” the green haired boy praised.

“Where did he even fit those books in his costume?!” his former intern incredulously let out, pointing to the lack of pockets on his jacket.

“This is the era of the number two!” Hawks threw the books at the four, with them all flawlessly catching them. “It’s not just raw speed; you need to be quick on the uptake! For that, you need the ability to predict what’s in store for the new era for us!”

“You must really love this book if you’re carrying that many...” the younger Todoroki commented.

“He must be doing missionary work!”

“Midoriya gets it,” Hawks confirmed with his usual smile. “I’m recommending this book to everyone I know across the country. At the very least, I truly believe the Liberation ideology will be society’s groundwork from here on out.”

While it seemed like an innocent gesture, the pink-haired girl was suspicious of her former mentor’s words. The things coming out of his mouth made no sense, compared to how he normally is.

Something wasn’t adding up. And it was bothering her.

Immediately sensing Ren’s unease, he felt a small onset of panic rise up in his gut. She was always the type to keep her wits about and this was no exception. He trained her to be this way, after all.

Would she say anything about it now?

No, she’s smarter than that.

If anything, he secretly hoped she can help Endeavor figure out his message if he couldn’t do it himself. The Flaming Hero didn’t strike him as the type of person to figure it out quickly, after all. His glowing brown eyes made contact with Endeavor’s again and reiterated, “Make sure you look over the sections I marked. I especially recommend ‘the second one.’”

Hawks took flight and encouraged all of them to make the most of the internship before disappearing into the sky.

“He’s not that much older than us, but he really has a whole different perspective on things...” Midoriya remarked with admiration, watching him fly away. “He’s only 22, you know.”

“Only six years apart, huh?” the bi-coloured haired boy said.

“Pisses me off...” Bakugou grumbled out.

Endeavor opened the book and casually thumbed through it and muttered, “Yes… indeed.”

*Full name of the show is “Kohaku Uta Gassen.” It’s an annual NYE show where the most popular musicians are separated into red and white teams based on viewer’s votes. Each team’s score are based on their performance, costume, hairstyle, lighting, choreography and makeup.

** The “Gaki no Tsukai” series is ran by the most famous comedians in Japan, Downtown (Matsumoto Hiroshi and Hamada Masatoshi), alongside Cocorico (Tanaka Naoki and Endo Shozo) and Tsukitei Hosei. Their annual NYE is a 24-hour no laughing marathon. You can check them out on Team Gaki.

[jmeelee]

oh jmeelee, my absolute favorite sterek crack dealer... i read something somewhere once about how this persons grandfather told them about when the grandma gets mad at him, he tightens the pickle jar lid so that she'll have to talk to him and in my head i see sterek... hook me up??? stiles is pissed at derek and derek does whatever he can to get stiles to talk to him...

As Mason orders his typical post-workout smoothie, Stiles valiantly fights a grimace, and loses. He’s 99.9 percent sure drinking something so green, when it’s not a shamrock shake from McDonald’s, is illegal and punishable by death. Stiles rattles off his usual strawberry-peach-banana combo, and they fall into the uncomfortable art-deco chairs at the juice bar.

“Sixty days, man!” Mason crows, tapping the rim of his plastic cup against Stiles’. “We are on a freakin’ roll. You feeling stronger? I know I am.”

Mason’s a superb gym buddy. Aside from the fact they are the only two human members of the pack, they have a lot in common. They’re similar in body type, so they can easily spot each other during workouts. Both naturally curious individuals, their conversation between sets flows effortlessly from rare books, research and possession, to the pros and cons of having a werewolf best friend. They’re both in love with supernatural creatures.

It’s like they’re the same person, if Stiles were a gay black man.

Stiles does feel stronger. He looks stronger. Derek’s been admiring the cut of his shoulders and biceps when Stiles dresses for work in the morning, eyes and mouth appreciating the hint—and due to his curly fry addiction, it will forever remain only a hint—of definition in his abs and Adonis belt. Stiles can do a dozen pull ups now, for Christ’s sake.

“Yeah, definitely,” Stiles replies through his teeth as he gnaws on the end of his straw. “There’s just… one little problem.”

Some days, he can’t open a friggin’ pickle jar.

Mason sets down his drink, and gives Stiles his full attention at the declaration. “What?”

“It’s insane, dude. I have no idea what the hell is going on! I even bought one of those hand worker-outer thingies.” Stiles curls his fingers, makes grabby hands in front of Mason’s confused face.

“You mean a grip strengthener?” Mason asks, brow furrowed.

“Yeah. Like I said, a hand worker-outer thingy. I use it, like, six times a day. I’m telling you, if I do it anymore my hands will be so strong”— he lowers his voice, mimes jerking off under the counter—“I might break Derek’s dick off. Or worse, my own.”

The barista behind the counter squints menacingly at him, so he places his hands back on the counter-top, digits encircling his frosty drink. “It doesn’t always happen, but sometimes I still can’t open stuff. It’s so weird.”

Mason squints. “What do you do when you can’t open things?”

“Derek opens them for me.” Stiles feels zero shame in the admission. He’s dating a super buff werewolf; he’d be an idiot not to put Derek’s bulging muscles to work.

Mason is quiet, biting at his full bottom lip. Stiles assumes he’s deep in thought, until he spots a grin trying to peek out from behind the curtain of white teeth.

“What’s so funny?” Stiles asks.

The smile comes out to play. “It’s Derek.”

At first Stiles thinks he means Derek has physically walked into the cafe, and glances around, but he quickly realizes his mistake.

“Wait… what? No! Derek would never.”

“Think, Stiles,” Mason prompts, leaning over the counter. “You said it doesn’t always happen, right? What was the last thing you couldn’t open?”

“Last weekend I couldn’t open the green olives. Hey, isn’t it weird green olives come in a jar but black olives come in a can? I wonder why…” He reaches for his phone.

Mason smack his hand. “Focus. By any chance did you and Derek get into a fight before you couldn’t open the olives?”

Oh, shit. Stiles burned the grilled cheese, and when Derek had tried to offer unsolicited, unhelpful advice, Stiles had thrown a spatula and ordered Derek out of the kitchen. That night, his salty midnight snack was foiled by a too-tight top. A few weeks ago, Stiles had made fun of Derek’s boxers because they had tiny wolves on them, and his tortilla chips went salsa-less. A month and a half ago his BLT was dry because he couldn’t get the mayo cap unscrewed after he and Derek loudly disagreed on a paint color for the bathroom.

“Corey does the same thing to me, so I’ll quit giving him the silent treatment when we argue. Oh, and black olives come in jars, too. The ones in cans are artificially ripened.” Mason sips his green concoction and watches realization dawn across Stiles’ face. “Mystery solved.”

+++++

Stiles stalks into their house like he’s the predator. “Damn it, Derek! I know what you’ve been doing!”

Derek lowers the volume on the television and raises a bushy eyebrow. “I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“The pickles! The pickles, Derek!” Stiles flails his arms. “How could you? You know I love pickles!”

“Stiles, what the f—”

“You’ve been tightening all the jars so I’ll have to talk to you after we fight!”

Derek blinks, eyes wide and innocent, and leans back into the leather couch cushions. “Does that seem like something I’d do?”

“Uh, yeah!” Stiles squawks. “You’re almost as big of an asshole as I am, and that’s totally something I’d do if I’d thought of it first. Admit it, Derek.”

Derek smiles, the self-satisfied smile of someone who thinks he’s won. “Never.”

Stiles’ fists dig into his hips. “Fine. But you get none of this”—he motions up and down his own body— “until you admit I’m right.”

“So, to be clear, we’re arguing about how we argue?” Derek deadpans.

“Damn right we are.”

Derek unmutes the TV and turns back to his cooking show. “You won’t last three days.”

Stiles huffs. We’ll see about that.

+++++

He so could have lasted three days, except on day two Derek went out for a run in the preserve and Stiles knew he had at least forty-five minutes of alone time, so he flung off his pants and flopped into bed, grabbing the lube from the nightstand drawer.

Only to find the plastic flip-top cap glued shut and the whole cover screwed so tightly he knows he’ll never get it open.

In his rage, he pulls on his jeans and hops down the stairs, bottle clutched firmly in his fist. He shoots into the woods as fast as his legs will carry him, screaming his husband’s name at the top of his lungs.

Derek, barely breathless, silently slides up next to him fifteen minutes later. Stiles shakes the bottle in his face. “How dare you?”

Derek has the audacity to laugh at Stiles’ pain. “Is this any worse than you not speaking to me when I put the toilet paper roll on the ‘wrong way’?”  The words are punctuated by bitchy air quotes and a massive eye roll.

“The paper comes over the top, Derek. It’s science.”

“Or how we almost got divorced because you insisted the person who takes out the trash shouldn’t have to replace the garbage bag in the can?”

“That’s teamwork!”

“Stiles.” Derek gently takes Stiles’ free hand in his sweaty palm. “We’re married ten years. Can we please agree to solve our problems like adults? No more pettiness, from either side. Truce?”

Stiles’ glare lasts all of ten seconds. “Ugh, fine. Truce. But you should totally make this up to my poor, disappointed dick.” He shoves the sloshing liquid into the middle of Derek’s firm chest. “Now can we please go home?”

Derek smiles, all sharp teeth, and whips his damp grey t-shirt over his unfairly attractive head. “We could walk the half mile back to the house.” Derek’s head cocks in the direction of their home, hidden from sight through the trees. “Or I could make it up to you right here.” He pops a claw, and pierces the lube bottle.

Stiles fumbles for his zipper.

Here works.

[nocteverbascio]

the ways we meet: kara/m’gann + bartender au

Pairing: Kara Danvers/M’gann M’orzz Summary: Megan is a bar owner and a rowdy group of college students make their way in. And NO she does NOT think that birthday girl is cute. A/N: soulmate au in which when you make physical contact with your soulmate, you hear their thoughts

ao3 link

Megan knows that evening is gonna be hell when Mike calls out last minute on her and no one is there to help cover. It’s just her and Harley at the bar, who spends half the time flirting with customers. And it gets a hell of a lot worse when a giant group of what looks to be college students comes out to celebrate a birthday.

Megan has to suddenly prepare 10 drinks in a row, when she gets an order for a round of shots.

By no means does she feel like a youth anymore, but she’s lucky to keep up with her workout regimen to run drinks quickly to nearby tables and intercept used glasses to clean.

She places the bin of glasses at the end of the bar for Pamela to grab before making her way to the bar.

A frat boy excitedly tells a story and whips his hand back, nearly hitting Megan in the face with his beer. Luckily, she catches him by the wrist and the only victim of spilt beer is his frat bro telling him to watch out.

Megan warns the guys to be more care and walks around them.

There’s another crowd: the birthday crowd. Megan has been keeping an eye on them in case they get rowdy (not that the birthday girl was cute or anything--Megan tries not to notice considering the girl just turned 21 and everyone's been buying her drinks).

The crowd starts yelling, “CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!” And Megan pauses as two girls with half pitchers worth of Harley’s Martian Mixer are starting to sit up straighter and straighter in their high chairs, glancing at each other as they intensely drink.

Megan steps in a little closer because the blonde one looks dangerously close to standing to one up her red haired opponent.

They’re neck and neck with a quarter of the half pitcher left without any signs of stopping. And the blonde rises up, standing on the foot rails of the high chair. Down to the wire and Megan is also wondering who is going to win. There’s a loud cheer that distracts her and suddenly they both slam their half pitchers down.

“I beat you, Alex! Suck on that! WHOOOOOO!” the blonde hollers.

“Shut up, Kara, I totally had that!”

Kara is happily laughing, when she leans in to rub her nose against Alex’s when the chair tips.

Megan curses, she doesn’t need a lawsuit today. She lunges forward quickly, arms outstretched to catch Kara as she starts to fall. She barely makes it because the younger woman is a bit heavier than she looks.

Megan catches her in the nick of time.

Wow, are you my guardian angel? Kara looks up at Megan through her glasses with wide baby blue eyes.

Megan tries not to stare because the first thing that comes to mind is. Oh god, she’s just a child, Megan.

Kara pouts at Megan. “I am not a child! I just turned 21!” she exclaims as she tightens her grip around Megan’s biceps. Oh wow, she’s super strong.

It’s then that Megan realizes what’s happened because half of their conversation are their thoughts.

She’s my soulmate! They both think simultaneously.

Megan stands Kara upright quickly and moves to grab the empty half pitchers. If she can disappear quickly enough, she can forget that her soulmate is 15 fucking years younger than you! She makes her way quickly to the bar, where she should get back to her post.

“Hey! Hey!”

Megan tries to ignore it because she is either hearing Kara in her head or it’s actually happening. Regardless, my soulmate is way too young. Is this some sort of joke?

“Megan! Come on, talk to me!” Kara says as she tries to fit herself through the crowd at the bar.

Megan shakes her head. This is crazy. It’s not a good time. She shuffles to take more drink orders. “This is really not a good time!”

“But when will it be? I think finding your soulmate is pretty important!” Kara says excitedly as she follows Megan along the patron side of the bar.

Megan moves faster though, dancing around Harley pouring shots.

“Come on! You’re not that old, Megan, stop freaking out!” Kara yells over the bar.

“Not that old?” Megan asks incredulously.

“Yeah, you’re like what? 4 years older?” Kara deadpans, catching her breath because Megan’s finally stopped moving.

Megan glares at Kara. “That’s sweet of you but honey, I’m 15 years older than you,” she throws back sarcastically.

Kara melts, with her glossy eyes and pink cheeks. “Aww, you called me honey already,” she coos affectionately. “I love that.”

Megan shakes her head, letting out a laugh. That was cute.

“You think I’m cute!” Kara beams.

Megan purses her lips in frustration. “Get out of my head,” she says.

“Or what?” You’ll come punish me? Kara wiggles her eyebrows playfully.

Megan’s eyes widen at the surprisingly salacious comment from her seemingly innocent looking soulmate. Stop it. Megan puts her hands on her hips.

Kara pouts. “Come on, you’re my soulmate! This warrants a celebration, we should sit down, talk, hold hands, or something!”

“You are literally here celebrating your birthday and I am manning the bar,” Megan reminds.

“Let me buy you a drink then!” Kara offers quickly.

Megan laughs harder than before. “I own the bar, Kara. I can have as many drinks as I want.”

“Then you can have one with me.” Kara hops a little excitedly when a seat opens up and she sits down.

“You’re not going to let this go are you?”

“Nope! You’re my soulmate and I am nothing if not persistent.” Kara drums her hands on the bar as she looks up and down the rows of alcohol. “So are we going to do this?”

Megan huffs as she grabs her favorite vodka off the shelf and pours two shots. “One drink and you can go back to your merriment.”

“And your number?” Kara bargains smartly.

Megan shakes her head. “Why are you---”

“Being so persistent?” Kara finishes quickly with a perceptive smile. “Why are you being so persistent? I’m not a child. I’m an adult that can make my own decisions. I’ve always known that the only person I’d ever care to be with or ever care to have feelings about is my soulmate.”

“You have your life ahead of you and I’m a bar owner who has just as much life experience as all these people sitting along the bar alone. Why do you sound so confident that this is going to work out?”

“Because we were made for each other,” Kara answers easily and confidently. She smiles so hopefully that Megan has to look away, like she’s the fucking sun. “We can read each other’s minds, Megan. Not only is that ridiculously cool but think of how much it’s helping us communicate. We’re doing it now about this weird age issue that you have with me.”

“It’s not weird because it’s a very real issue. I’m old enough to be...like your aunt or something,” Megan can’t help but argue.

“But not my mother,” Kara quips in return, to which Megan rolls her eyes. “Look, I know that you’re probably in a place in your life where you need to think seriously about your future and do real adult stuff, but we all have to do that. I take my life very seriously in all respects, especially for things that matter. My soulmate and my future. And I definitely have to be serious about my future because I’m graduating soon.” Megan opens her mouth when Kara interrupts her again. “I know we’re at two different points in our lives, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be going through the same thing. We both have anxieties, but at least we know what they are and we can really help each other.”

“Are you trying to say we’re going to be better together?” Megan throws sarcastically.

Kara shakes her head and reaches across the bar, tapping it quickly. She places a palm up for Megan to take her hand, which she does to acquiesce her soulmate’s needy demands. “I am saying, we’re stronger together,” Kara responds simply. And somehow that makes a world of difference because Megan can hear Kara thank her mom and dad.

Megan rolls her eyes because it’s not like the younger woman was wrong. In fact, she was very right. It’s been far too long since Megan’s had to rely on someone else. Maybe it was time to start learning.

She squeezes Kara’s hand before reaching for the vodka. “One shot.”

Kara perks up in a brief confusion as Megan downs her shot. A small smile curls at the edge of her lips and she understands what Megan means. “One shot is all we need.” And she downs her shot like a champ.

[howellrichard]

How to Take Care of Yourself Through Mindful Movement and Play

Hiya Gorgeous!

Movement and play are some of the best parts of being a kid. Kids crawl, climb, hula-hoop and somersault with abandon. Finger painting, building forts and playing dress up are essential activities.

Then there’s a shift, and we start to think that stuff isn’t for us anymore. We value work over play. Sitting at our desks over movement. Doing what we’re supposed to do over living and LOVING our lives. We run ourselves ragged and might even start to forget what really matters—feeling our best and celebrating our precious selves.

I’m here to tell you that movement and play are just as important (and appropriate!) for kids as they are for adults. They’re life forces. Spiritual gold. The passions and pursuits that make us feel alive. That’s what renewing—the fifth and final pillar in my 5 Pillars of Wellness—is all about.

This post is the last in my 5 Pillars of Wellness series. We’ve talked about optimizing what you’re eating, drinking and thinking, and how you’re resting. Now it’s time to focus on how to take care of yourself through renewing. I can’t think of a better way to supercharge this new year with a whole lotta motivation and energy!

What does renewing really mean?

The renewing pillar is about moving your body, pursuing your passions and feeding your soul. To renew is to do what you love with the people and furry friends you love. As you can imagine, that can mean a lot of different things to different people. So to simplify matters, I break this pillar into two primary categories: movement and play.

Today we’ll dive into each of these aspects of renewing, talk about why they’re so important and how you can cultivate them in your life. Ready to have some fun?

How to Renew and Take Care of Yourself with Mindful Movement

The first part of the renewing pillar is about moving your body. I probably don’t have to tell you about the importance of exercise, but in case you need a reminder that it’s good for more than just burning calories…

Mindful movement helps:

Strengthen your muscles

Boost your endurance and energy

Keep you mobile, balanced and flexible as you age

Improve sleep, focus and mental clarity

Release stress and other tension

Maintain good mental health

Reduce the risk for chronic health challenges such as heart disease, certain cancers and type 2 diabetes

And so much more!

Long story short: movement is one of the best ways to take care of yourself.

What exercise IS and ISN’T

Let’s clear this up right away: Exercise is not punishment. We get a lot of messages throughout our lives that exercise has to be painful, extremely strenuous and something you dread. But that mindset is totally demotivating and simply not true!

Exercise can be whatever you want it to be. Ask your body what it really needs. Movement can be mindful, intuitive, accessible and gentle. And yes, it can be challenging and sweaty too, if that feels good to you. It should refuel your energy tank and leave you feeling refreshed—that’s why it’s part of the renewing pillar!

Above all else, prioritize fun and enjoyment in your workout routine. If you’re not having a good time, give yourself permission to try something else (switching it up isn’t the same thing as giving up).

How often should you work out?

The amount and intensity of exercise you need on a weekly basis depends on factors like age, lifestyle, whether or not you have chronic health challenges, etc. But generally speaking, aim to move your body four to five times a week for at least 30-45 minutes per session.

It’s also a good idea to vary your activities so you get a mix of strength and aerobic exercise (and keep things interesting!). Jump on the trampoline with your kids, do some light stretching at the office, go for a hike with your pup, try chair yoga… whatever makes you smile and sweat.

If you have any questions about your specific exercise needs, please consult with your integrative doc!

Tips for busting through common exercise roadblocks

This might sound familiar: You decide it’s time to recommit to your exercise routine. You’re excited and motivated at first—staying on track might even feel easy. Then one day you slip up and beat yourself up for it. And that negative self-talk makes you feel like crap, so you skip your next session… and the next session… you get the picture. I’ve been there!

So let’s chat about how to navigate some of the most common exercise challenges so you can start and stick with your routine.

Challenge: You have trouble finding time for exercise and it’s often the first thing to go when life gets busy.

Solution: Move where you are, when you can! We may think that exercise means spending hours at the gym every week, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Get up from your desk and do a few jumping jacks every hour. Go for a quick stroll after each meal. You get the idea! Breaking movement down into short sessions makes it feel more doable and easier to fit into your busy schedule. Also, remember that a few minutes a day is better than no minutes. Thank yourself for making the time, however much it is!

Challenge: You can’t seem to find an activity you really enjoy and want to stick with. It might feel like you’ve already tried every form of exercise out there.

Solution: Actually doing it is the only thing that needs to be consistent about your exercise routine. Just because some people fall in love with running marathons and do it for the rest of their lives doesn’t mean you have to! Go line dancing one day and cross-country skiing the next. There are so many ways to move your body, so switch things up as often as you want.

Challenge: You get discouraged when you don’t see results on the timeline you set for yourself. You feel like throwing in the towel if you don’t meet your goals.

Solution: It’s time for a mindset shift. Rather than thinking of exercise as a means to an end (weight loss, endurance, muscle growth, etc.), try to see it as an essential way to take care of yourself. When you move simply to honor your body and stay well, you’ll enjoy it more and probably do it more often!

Challenge: You find it hard to get and stay motivated on your own. You thrive with other people around, so plugging in headphones and lifting weights in solitude isn’t your idea of a good time.

Solution: Moving your body doesn’t have to be a solo endeavor. Make a date to walk and talk with a friend. Call a loved one while you’re on the treadmill (don’t mind the heavy breathing!). Sign up for a group class where you can meet new people and get your sweat on at the same time (win-win!).

Want more guidance on renewing or any of my 5 Pillars of Wellness? I’ve got just the thing!

Forget new year, new you—I love the YOU you already are. You don’t have to change who you are to be happy and healthy. Let’s make 2020 about uplifting and nourishing our current selves like never before. Whaddya say?

And I have the perfect way to kick off your year of radical self-love: My New Year, Fresh Start 5-Day Wellness Challenge! Whether you’ve got your sights set on big health goals or just want to learn new ways to take care of yourself, you’re gonna love this rejuvenating experience. We’ll cover one of my 5 Pillars of Wellness per day—in just a few minutes you’ll practice self-care to replenish your spirit and discover simple, sustainable strategies for creating the vibrant life of your dreams.

This challenge is totally free and includes daily coaching from me and our Wellness Team, a private online community, challenges, recipes, meditations and more. It starts January 10 and spots are filling up fast, so sign up today! I can’t wait to start 2020 strong with you.

Why Play is an Essential Part of Taking Care of Yourself at Every Age

Now onto the second part of my renewing pillar: Play! Like we discussed earlier, play is not just for kiddos. But as we “grow up,” there’s a lot of pressure to get the job done and take ourselves seriously. So play often ends up falling off our plates.

And where does that leave us? Working, stressing, doing, giving—constantly withdrawing from our energetic bank accounts without making enough deposits to maintain a balance. But when we’re regularly trying to function in the red, we simply can’t do or feel our best.

I love the renewing pillar so much because there’s lots of flexibility to make it your own. That’s especially true when we’re talking about play. Play is whatever replenishes your energy and makes you happy, plain and simple. It should reduce stress and overwhelm, and expand your heart and mind. That could mean spending time with other people, reading a book, learning watercolors, traveling, volunteering, cooking… you name it!

How to make play part of your self-care routine

The biggest challenge folks tend to have with play is consistently making the space for it. We’re programmed to think it has less value than bringing home the vegan bacon, taking care of other people, etc. But make no mistake: Play is as important as any other part of your wellness practice. It’s as good for you as eating healthy and getting sufficient sleep.

Remember, stress is the number one catalyst for disease. It can literally kill us. Joy is the antidote to stress. And because it brings us joy, play is the ultimate prescription. We can’t avoid all stress, so the key is how we lift ourselves out of it (or heal after it hits us).

So here’s your prescription, dear one: Make play a non-negotiable part of your self-care routine. Do whatever you need to do to make it happen. Put it in your calendar, get a babysitter, book a playdate with your bestie. Fit play in whenever and wherever you can. If you’re especially short on time, start with a micro-action that feels doable, like listening to an audiobook on your commute. Every deposit into your energy bank account (no matter how small) counts!

Renewing is thriving!

At the end of the day, the renewing pillar is about making time for the stuff that brings us joy—that lights us up and makes us feel truly alive. So much of our time is reserved for things we “have” to do. We expend our energy all day, every day (yes, even on the work and people we love!). If we never pause to fill up our tanks, then we’re running on empty—and running on empty leads to break downs.

If you take one thing away today, I hope it’s that this pillar is just as important as the rest. It’s not something to deprioritize when life gets crazy. Instead, make renewing a non-negotiable part of your self-care routine. When you do, you’ll start to feel more energized and excited about life. And when that zest is in your heart, it creates a domino effect of creativity, abundance, innovation and impact.

Your turn: What’s one way you can take care of yourself with mindful movement or play? Shout out your idea (big or small!) in the comments below.

Peace & playtime,

The post How to Take Care of Yourself Through Mindful Movement and Play appeared first on KrisCarr.com.

[healthofhaaszy]

The Foundation

I started listening to a podcast called “Losing 100 Pounds with Phit-n-Phat.”  I was always skinny growing up and started packing on the pounds about 10 years ago.  Since then, I’ve only been gaining weight and not losing.  I’ve tried all the fad diets and different gyms, but nothing has worked.  So why not try a podcast?

The first thing the podcast says to do is figure out where you’re at now and where you want to be at.  Don’t just look at it like “I want to lose 80 pounds.”  That’s a goal, but why do you want to lose the weight?  What is happening now that makes you want to do this?  So that’s what i’m here to do.

I’m currently sitting at 5′3″ 205 pounds.  I’m a size 14 slowly creeping my way to a size 16 and my boobs are beyond control (38K).  But those are just numbers.  Where am I really at?  I’m tired all the time, I eat unhealthy 90% of the time, I always eat until I’m full, I have no energy to exercise, I’m recovering from a broken ankle, none of my clothes fit me anymore, I hate shopping because nothing looks good on me, I hate looking at my body, and I have borderline high cholesterol.  

Where do I want to be?  I would like to be at a healthy weight for my height, fitting into my current clothes, energized, putting good things into my body, exercising daily, confident, and healthy.  I also want to be eating until I’m not hungry, not until I’m full.    

 What “fads” have I tried and failed?  First there was Weight Watchers.  I tried this back in college when I was about 140 pounds and thought I was heavy because my boyfriend told me I was.  That and I was a size 5/6 and my best friend was a 00.  I know now not to compare myself to others and I also know I could never/nor do I want to be that small.  This worked for a while until the points changed.  They went from regular points to PointsPlus and something that was 4 points jumped to 20 points.  I didn’t understand how something could change that drastically and started questioning what the program was actually about. 

After Weight Watchers was the Lean Cuisine Diet.  This isn’t an actual diet (to my knowledge), but is what my roommate and I did.  She started eating only lean cuisines and lost 20 pounds in one month.  I figured I would give it a try myself since it worked for her.  That one did not last very long at all.  Lean Cuisines were expensive and not filling.  Plus they were not healthy and really high in sodium.  I also tried doing the Insanity workouts at the same time, but once the week off hit, I never went back. 

The most successful program for me was the 21 Day Fix.  I actually did the workouts daily and followed the nutrition plan to a T.  I lost 10 pounds and could see a visible difference in my body.  But then the 21 days ended and I was so proud of my progress that I decided to “celebrate” with food.  The meal plan was relatively easy to follow since I didn’t really need to “give up” certain food groups and I have tried to follow it more or less (usually less) over the years.  I just haven’t gotten back into the workouts. 

Most recently I signed up for “The Max Challenge” gym.  They start you off with a 10 week nutrition program and you go to the gym Monday-Friday at a specific time for a class.  This meal plan is similar to the 21DF except you are giving up certain foods like cheese, milk, and bread.  You are also left with certain gym times that may or may not fit in your schedule.  I chose the 6am class which was very difficult for me to attend.  Some days I would do 4:30pm or 6:30pm, but it was also difficult switching around all the time.  The one thing I learned from this experience is that I almost always regretted not going, but I never regretted going. 

So what have I learned from this? Well, I know that I am capable of losing weight and having self-control.  It’s easier to have self-control when there are no bad foods in the house which is hard with my current living situation.  I know that I am capable of working out daily.  I know I feel good after working out.  I also know that I have a hard time sticking to a workout plan or eating plan.  I don’t really like cooking, especially if it takes a long time and requires a lot of ingredients. I have a hard time waking up and working out in the morning, even more so at home because I do not have a comfortable place to do so.  I know that it is also difficult going to a gym because it requires getting dressed and leaving the house.  I know I have to set small goals that are not necessarily weight loss related.  

Where does that leave me?  What is the “game plan”?  This time around, it’s not about being perfect, but about being better.  Just because I have one “cheat” meal doesn’t mean my day is ruined and just because I have one bad day doesn’t mean the week is ruined.  I’m going to set small goals for myself.  Daily goals, weekly goals, monthly goals, and yearly goals.  

What are the goals?  Daily goes will be to drink 100 oz of water, workout/exercise, and follow the meal plan.  For each day all 3 goals are accomplished, I will get a “star” in each category.  Upon receiving 21 stars in all 3 categories (21 Day Fix...get it), and it doesn’t have to be consecutively, I will reward myself with something non-food related.  I need to stop thinking of food as a reward or punishment and more as something needed to fuel my body.  

My weekly goals will be to have only one cheat meal and exercise at least 5 times during the week.  My monthly goals will be to earn 21 stars in each category, lose between 5-10 pounds, and fit better into my clothes.  My yearly goals will be to lose 50 pounds and get down to at least a size 10. 

I know what you’re thinking: how are your weekly goals to only have one cheat meal and exercise 5 days when there are 7 days in a week and your daily goals are to follow the meal plan and exercise?  Well, as I said earlier, it’s not about being perfect, but about being better.  Life can sometimes get in the way of the daily goals.  Maybe I’m sick and don’t feel like exercising and cooking.  Maybe I didn’t have time to go food shopping and needed to pick something up in a hurry.  Maybe I have a party to go to and want to be able to enjoy myself and not stress about what’s going in my body.  Maybe I’m going on vacation and need to take a break for a bit.  No one is perfect, and it’s not about perfection, but improvement.

How do the rewards work?  I earn 1 star for each category every day I accomplish that goal.  If I drink 100 oz of water, I get a blue star.  If I follow the meal plan, I get a red star.  If I exercise, I get a green star.  Once 21 stars are earned in each category, I get a silver star.  That silver star entitles me to a reward of some sort.  Something I would not just buy for myself on a whim or because I have the money to do so.  One silver star is equivalent to a $100 gift for myself.  I can either spend it or save it for a multiple silver star gift.

How am I going to do this?  First, I need a schedule.  I know I can work out in the mornings at home as I have done it in the past.  It’s also the easiest time to work out because I’m fresh and don’t have the wear of the day on me.  I will need to select a time to wake up and work out every day, even weekends.  My biggest struggle now is that I do not have a consistent work schedule since I am able to work at home.  This means I have a hard time waking up in the morning since at least 3/7 days I can sleep in.  This is not conducive for a routine where I work out in the morning.  

Second, meal prepping.  I need to cook meals that require little work and little ingredients.  I also need variety in my meals, so 2 different dinners and 2 different lunches throughout the week should suffice.  Breakfast I will go with something quick and easy that can be made on the spot.  I’m usually pretty good with meal prepping, it’s actually eating the meals that I prepped that I have a problem with.  It’s hard living at home and having your dad cook unhealthy dinners every night. 

Third, water intake.  Some days, I’m GREAT about drinking a ton of water.  Other days, not so much.  When I’m in the office, it’s easy because I can have however many bathroom breaks I want.  The days I’m in court it’s trickier because I am so busy, I don’t have time to drink water, nor do I want to because I don’t have time to go to the bathroom.  That means I will need to make up for my lack of water intake later in the day.  The days I am home it is also tough because I don’t typically fill up a bottle of water that sits in front of me.  That will change and I will start doing this in the morning before exercising so that I have water to drink for that and the rest of the day. 

Fourth, progress pictures.  I am really good at before pictures, but not so good at during or after pictures.  I also have a tendency to take the pictures too soon and get discouraged.  Since this is a 21 day plan, I am going to take the pictures every 21 days.  I was taking them every week, and could see very minimal change, which was great, but also not super encouraging.  I think every 21 days is perfect because if I get good results, I can show others what to expect.

Fifth, documentation.  I started an Instagram account Health of Haaszy about a year ago.  I posted pictures of me going to the gym and pictures of meals.  I kept it private and planned to share it only when I lost the weight.  That didn’t happen and I fell off track and eventually deleted the photos on the page. BUT the Instagram still stands.  Photos of meals and what each one is worth and how to make it will help.  Since I am only doing 5-6 meals per week, that should be manageable to document throughout the week.  

Sixth, weigh-ins.  Another thing I have a problem with.  I would weigh myself every day and get excited that I lost weight, but disappointed when I put a pound or two back on.  Weekly weigh-ins will be better because, while still not enough time to show significant progress, I will be able to see where I generally am and (hopefully) be encouraged to stick to what I am doing.

So I think that’s it!  It took me two days to complete this post, but I wanted to make sure I got everything in there.  As I write this, it is mid-December 2019.  I plan to implement all of this January 6th.  I know what some of you are thinking?  Why wait?  Why put off tomorrow what you can do today?  Isn’t that one of the things you struggle with - saying you’ll start next week and then not starting?  Yes, you are correct.  But I also know myself and I know that I have approximately 0 motivation right now since I know I will be going on a cruise in 16 days where I will eat and drink and be lazy and I want to be able to enjoy that and not focus on my eating habits.  I will try to eat until I’m not hungry instead of eating until I’m full.  Gotta start somewhere, right?  And again, it’s not about perfection, it’s about being better.  Catch ya on the flip side.  

[florahecate]

Read More 30 Worst Diet Mistakes You’re Making

The following post 30 Worst Diet Mistakes You’re Making is republished from Eat This Not That by Olivia Tarantino

“I’m so tired of dieting!” says my friend Sarah yesterday “I’ve lost some weight, I’ve lost some inches—but I just can’t lose belly fat!”

Poor Sarah. She’d also lost her willpower. Turns out, she was sabotaging herself—without even knowing it.

You could be doing the same. By kicking these worst diet mistakes to the curb, you’ll finally see those pounds fall off—and stay off. And once you’ve stripped your routine of these pesky patterns, start burning off the flab with these 44 Ways to Lose 4 Inches of Body Fat, compliments of the researchers at Eat This, Not That!

1

You Set Unreasonable Expectations

This should come as good news for those of you who feel guilty for not following strict dietary lifestyles: Going vegan to lose weight won’t work for everyone. Especially for those who always eat eggs for breakfast and like to eat a burger for lunch. If the diet plan you’re following isn’t compatible with your lifestyle, the odds are higher that you’ll fall off the bandwagon and regain the weight. Rather, put a vegan spin on your omnivore lifestyle—add onions, peppers, and spinach to your omelet and order your burger with a side salad instead of fries. To lose weight without overhauling your lifestyle, also check out these 40 Ways to Lose Weight in 4 Seconds.

2

You Go It Alone

You’ve decided to change your life—good for you! Now spread the news! When you share your mission with your close friends and family, it will help you to build a support system and you’ll have people who can keep you accountable to your goals. It’s easy to mindlessly scoop another spoonful of ice cream into a bowl, but you might think twice if you have to justify this extra portion to your family as you eat dessert together at the dinner table. Want to take it a step further? Find yourself a diet buddy! Dieters who have a weight-loss partner lose significantly more belly fat compared to those who try to slim down alone, according to a study published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.

3

You Cut Out Groups of Foods

You shouldn’t punish an entire food group as a dietary villain. A diet that forbids entire food groups is not only unsustainable, but it can also be dangerous. (Unless, of course, there’s a medical reason—such as lactose intolerance or Celiac disease—to scratch something from your diet). For example: While eating too many refined flour foods can pack on the pounds by spiking your blood sugar and never fully satisfying your hunger pangs, that doesn’t mean that all carbs have the same effect. In fact, whole grains are rich in energizing B vitamins and digestion-slowing fiber. Plus, since carbs are an essential source of energy, completely slashing this food group from your diet can cause exhaustion, irritability, and lethargy.

4

You Fall for Health Halos

Whether it’s slapping a product with a “sugar-free” label or pointing out the food’s myriad of vitamins and minerals, marketing claims can get in the way of weight loss if you’re not actually reading the ingredients and nutritional information. You see, when dieters perceive a food to be nutritious—thanks to buzzwords like “organic” or “gluten-free”—they tend to misjudge how many calories are actually in them. As a result, dieters tend to feel entitled to indulge, which can lead to eating 131 percent more calories than you otherwise would, according to a Cornell University study.

RELATED: 14 “Health” Foods Worst Than a Donut

5

You Eat While Watching T.V.

The big game is on and it’s dinner time? Well, that’s why we have DVR! Press pause. Experts find that when your mind is distracted by other things while eating, such as watching TV or listening to loud music, it can block certain satiety cues from alerting your brain that you’ve eaten your fill. As a result, you consume more calories than your body needs, which will likely be stored as fat.

6

You Skip Meals

Constantly find yourself downing bags of chips or sleeves of cookies? Despite what you may think, feeling like you’re always hungry is not because you have a lack of willpower. In fact, if these binges are happening on busy days when you’ve “forgotten” to eat lunch, it’s likely a sign you need to change up your diet. “While skipping meals might seem like an easy way to eat less, it will most likely actually cause you to eat more later on,” says Sarah-Jane Bedwell, RD, LDN.

7

You Dine While You Dash

In a rush? Don’t start shoveling food in your face. If there’s one resolution to make this year, it should be to extend your lunch break to at least 20 minutes. Why the time minimum? Experts have found it takes around that amount of time for your stomach to tell your brain that you’re full. It’s one of the reasons why fast food is so bad for your waistline; you quickly eat the calorie-laden fare before your body can tell you you’ve had enough!

8

You Forget to Exercise

According to recent research published in the journal Applied Physiology, Nutrition, and Metabolism, weight loss programs that formally include an exercise routine are significantly more effective for weight loss and improved health than diets without recommended sweat sessions. Dr. Conrad Earnest, lead co-author of the study, recommends an exercise routine that includes both aerobic and strength training. Before you hit the weights, don’t miss these 24 Things No One Ever Tells You About the Gym.

9

You Go Too Hard Too Fast

It’s great to switch things up into a new exercise routine, but don’t hit the ground running—both literally and figuratively. If your body isn’t used to working out on the reg, you could injure yourself if you up your reps or mileage too quickly, which can hamper your weight-loss progress. Take your time to build up your base before you start racking up 10-mile runs every day.

10

You Rely on Exercise Also

“Moving more” isn’t going to be the only thing that helps you slim down. For starters, a 2012 review published in the journal Obesity Reviews found that people tend to overestimate how many calories they burn when they workout. As a result, people will not only overcompensate for their workout by eating more calories than they burned, but they may also think they can now indulge in junk food as a “reward” for exercise. As an example, a 155-pound person biking for one hour burns on average 520 calories. That can all be undone by under two slices of Domino’s Hand Tossed Cheese pizza.

11

You Slack Off When It Comes to Beverages

Although diet usually refers to food, don’t forget beverages! Processed juices, sugary sodas, and sweetened teas are all full of calories and can do major damage to your waistline. It’s not just the calories that will encourage your body to pack on the pounds. Studies have found that our bodies don’t register liquid calories like it does solid calories—and as a result, we may end up drinking more calories until we feel full.

12

You Assume “Diet” Drinks Are Good Replacements

They may tout “zero calories,” but a 2017 review published in the journal PLOS One concluded that diet drinks are not helpful for weight loss and that they may even cause people to pile on the pounds because they can dull your sweet receptors, causing you to consume more of traditionally sweet foods, and thus, consume more calories.

13

You Treat One Food Like a Magic Diet Pill

Yes, apple cider vinegar (ACV) has been connected to delaying gastric emptying (i.e. keeping you fuller for longer) and minimizing spikes in blood sugar. But just because you’re coating your salad with it every day doesn’t mean you don’t have to change anything else about your diet. There is no magic cure-all food that will help you drop the weight. Continue drizzling on that ACV, but just make sure you’re also cutting out junk food, doing your exercise, and avoiding these 31 Things You Did Today to Slow Your Metabolism.

14

You Rely on Supplements

Americans may spend billions of dollars on dietary supplements a year, but according to a 2016 study published in the journal JAMA, many of these products show no benefit over placebo. Another surprising finding? Supplement users are apparently among the healthiest members of the population and likely don’t even need supplements. So, unless you have a nutritional deficiency and have been instructed by your doctor to take a supplement, you should look to get your nutrients from whole foods. Doing so will mean you’re getting more than just the vitamin you’re looking for; you’re also getting belly-filling fiber, muscle-building protein, and brain-powering healthy fats.

15

You Forget Fats

Let this be the last time you choose the “low-fat” option! Don’t fear fats! In fact, when you don’t eat enough fat, you may suffer from feeling constant hunger, could develop adult acne, and may constantly feel like your brain is in a fog. Fats are necessary to feed the brain and help mitigate cravings. Incorporate more healthy fats like those from avocados, nuts, seeds, coconut oil, olive oil, and grass-fed butter.

16

You Skimp On Sleep

When you snooze, you lose—weight that is. Sleep helps your body recover from those heart-thumping workouts, allowing for cell regeneration and muscle building. That’s not all. Sleep also keeps your metabolism humming, your hunger hormones in check and your stress levels low. When you don’t sleep enough (experts recommend seven to eight hours a night), your cortisol levels skyrocket, which can slow down your metabolism and lead to excess production of belly fat.

17

You Forget to Dress Your Salads

Leafy greens are some of the top sources of vitamins. In particular, four vitamins that are fat-soluble: vitamins A, D, E, and K. That means these essential micronutrients will only be absorbed into the body once they’re dissolved in fat globules (in other words, a little EVOO). These vitamins play varying roles in maintaining proper bone, eye, and skin health, but also help keep your immune system fend off the colds that could put you out of commission and may throw your diet off track.

18

You Eat Your Brown Bag Lunch at Your Desk

Being mindful is a major part of weight loss, and it’s a sure bet that it’ll take a back seat when you’re simultaneously working and chomping on your lunch. Trying to do two things at once can distract your brain from recognizing that you’ve reached your fill. Not to mention, being able to step away from work briefly can subliminally tell your body you don’t have to be so stressed about work, which can help you get a handle on your fat-inducing cortisol levels.

19

You Eat When You’re Not Hungry

You know about the seafood diet right? Every time you see food, you eat it? It’s a mildly amusing joke, but it’s also surprisingly accurate. You see, the problem is that when we see food, we’re more likely to eat it even if your body isn’t in need of calories. According to Oxford researchers, the phenomenon is called “visual hunger.” It refers to our body’s natural response to increase your “I’m hungry” hormones upon sight of food since our brains developed when food was scarce and your body wanted to ensure you consumed all available resources that could provide energy and nutrients for survival. Science says the solution to the “see-food diet” is simple: hide your vices and steer clear of the break room box of donuts. You can also try these 30 Ways to Trick Yourself Into Feeling Full.

20

You Eat Dinner Too Late

And no, it’s not because it stalls your metabolism. When you eat a large meal too close to your bedtime, you may have trouble falling asleep, thanks to your body working to digest that meal. And when you don’t get a good night’s rest, studies show you’re more likely to have higher levels of the hunger hormone ghrelin the next day, which can cause you to overeat. “Research also shows that when we’re sleep-deprived, our brains respond more strongly to junk food and have less of an ability to practice portion control,” Alissa Rumsey, RD, and Spokesperson for the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics tells us.

21

You Celebrate Success with Food Rewards

Whether it’s hitting a personal best mile time or losing another five pounds, you should certainly celebrate—just don’t rely on alcohol and sweets to reward your success. If you do, odds are you’ll see the weight creep back onto your slimmed-down frame before you know it. Instead, use things like a facial, manicure, or a favorite exercise class as a reward for your hard work.

22

You Stop Weighing In

What’s the harm in reminding yourself of your continued success? The scale keeps you mindful of your diet, and it will quickly tip you off to regained pounds. In fact, dieters who weigh themselves daily can lose twice as much weight as those who weigh themselves less frequently, according to University of Minnesota researchers.

23

You Bore Yourself with the Same Workouts

Routines are great when it comes to always heading to the gym before work, but if you get there and repeat the same elliptical workout, you’re likely not getting as much from your exercise as you could. That’s because you’re not challenging new muscles. To wake up your metabolic rate, shock your muscles by changing up your workouts every two weeks.

24

You Let Frozen Options Replace Homemade Meals

Frozen meals once in awhile: approved. But for every meal? Skip it. Not only are these cold concoctions typically loaded with bloat-inducing, blood-pressure-raising sodium, but—let’s face it—you’re not likely going to be able to subsist on frozen meals forever. After a while, you’re likely to tire of the same menus. Plus, if you rely on pre-portioned meals, once you go off them, you’re likely to regain all that lost weight since you have no replacement. If sustainable weight loss is your goal, kick the shortcuts to the curb and make your meals at home from scratch. Doing so can help you banish these nasty additives as well as cut calorie consumption by an average of 200 calories a day, according to Johns Hopkins researchers.

25

You Deprive Yourself

You don’t have to deprive yourself to lose weight. The reasoning is simple: research published in the journals Appetite and Eating Behaviors supports the notion that giving into a guilty pleasure is more effective at keeping weight off long term than trying to suppress it. Why is that? Well, both studies demonstrated that when participants gave into a craving (rather than fighting it off), it actually helped to reduce binge eating and decreased subsequent cravings.

26

You Save Your Calories for Later

You know you’re going out to dinner with your friends later tonight, so you choose to sip on a fruity drink and chomp on a couple carrots for lunch to save calories for later. It may seem responsible, but “it rarely works out as cleanly as we like,” nutritionist Lisa Hayim, MS, RD tells us. “By the time you get to dinner, and have a drink or two, the feelings of extreme hunger rush in, and you’re grabbing for whatever you can get your hands on, which is usually foods high in calories and fat. You’re so hungry, you may even end up consuming more than a day’s worth of calories in one sitting,” explains Hayim. Instead, she recommends eating on a normal schedule during the day and choosing to eat responsibility at night. And remember—one day of overindulgence isn’t going to do your body much harm. It’s only when it becomes a bad habit.

27

You Leave Your Water Bottle at Home

“Not drinking enough water can have a negative impact on the metabolism as well as your appetite,” says Alexandra Miller, RDN, LDN. Research has shown that people often respond to their thirst inappropriately by eating instead of drinking since the same part of our brain controls both responses. When you’re hydrated, it also helps to make your stomach feel full, which can fend off the feeling of hunger.

28

You Gush Over Food Porn on Instagram

If you shouldn’t eat it, don’t stop to gawk at it on your social feeds. That includes looking at oversized milkshakes and extra cheesy pizza. Studies have found that simply looking at calorie-laden fare can actually cause your hunger hormones to spike—even if your body isn’t physically in need of food.

29

You Rely on Food to Ease Your Nerves

The deadline for your project is fast approaching and you need to ease your nerves before the presentation. Here’s a newsflash: Downing a pint of ice cream is not the answer. Not only are the foods we typically lean towards when we’re stressed high in things that exacerbate your stress hormone levels—like fat and sugar—but they’re also high in calories and can cause weight gain. Plus, making a connection between eating and emotions can result in poor eating decisions and coping mechanisms. Instead, create an automatic response to stress that doesn’t involve food, such as going for a walk or taking a shower.

30

You Plan Your Life Around Your Diet

There’s a difference between being committed to a weight loss plan and being obsessed with it. If you start planning your entire life around your diet—like avoiding birthday parties so you don’t feel tempted by cake or miss out on seeing your old friend who’s in town briefly because you don’t want to get a drink—it will make your diet hard to stick to in the long run. A sustainable diet is one that leaves some wiggle room and doesn’t hinder you from living a fun and a fulfilling life. And now that you know what not to do, be sure to keep the healthy living going with these 40 Best Fat-Burning Foods.

  The post 30 Worst Diet Mistakes You’re Making appeared first on Eat This Not That.

[nourish--to-flourish]

Dealing With Weight Gain

I got a few messages asking why I haven’t posted in a while and I ignored a few because I honestly didn’t know what to reply with, truth is, it has been really hard over the past few months. Don’t get me wrong, good stuff has happened but having to deal with the inevitable winter weight has been truly very difficult for me. Thus meaning I had nothing really to post about in terms of motivational or uplifting things like normal. My health has remained pretty steady, I’ve still been training and eating healthy. The weight gain, as I’m sure almost everyone can agree, comes with winter to keep you warm! When I was initially on the path of trying to gain weight earlier this year, things were obviously much simpler. Being told you can kind of eat whatever you like with a large margin of error is like a holiday for someone like me. But, cause and effect happened and theres no reason for me to go into the ins and outs of how much weight I gained but I can (positively) say that I’m now at a healthier weight than I was at the beginning of the year. 

Women especially gain weight for numerous reasons like hormones, stress and because our metabolisms work very differently to mens on average. So this post is 80% focused towards the ladies who might be struggling with the extra cushioning that we get around this time of year. Especially with the warmer weather just around the corner, it can be super daunting and awful for a lot of people. The transition between winter and spring is actually a very hard time for a lot of people and I don’t think anyone thinks about why but a large reason is truly because most people take off all the layers and realise they’re previous summer bods have sort of melted. 

So, firstly, this won't be a list of hacks or tricks I can give you right now about how you can deal with your weight gain. But I hope that in talking about my struggles you [or whoever reading this going through something similar] can take something from it. I hate being this vulnerable and open about this kind of stuff especially if I’ve been going through a low period, but its the truth! It sucks.  It really feels fuckin awful, because you can’t really get away from it. I eat well, I exercise and take pretty good care of my body but my body needed me to be this weight. And listen, my circumstances will probably differ from others. Maybe you’ve gained a bit of plush because you like to eat over winter, or you’ve been avoiding the gym in the cold weather. Either way, we’re all still in the same boat, and its sinking (inappropriate and insensitive joke but lets keep this light). 

In noticing changes in the body, I always go straight to what I’m eating. Usually, my diet really doesn't change. I eat the same stuff, if anything, I'm too boring and hardly switch it up. So thats the first thing I’m doing to change. I’m taking everything I do now and turning it on its head. No that doesn’t mean I’ll just eat salads and run twice a day (been there done that!) but just change. I feel like the body gets used to things whether they’re good or bad. You can eat salad for months and yeah its healthy whatever but your body will adjust and suddenly things just get lazy and don’t have the same effect. So thats what I start with. My workouts change anyways because well, they should. I also am drinking way more water, mostly because I love to be hydrated and my skin has chucked deuces up at me recently and I’m so not having it. I moved all the furniture in my room around (convinced bad energies were ruining my Feng-shui). I try to start my mornings with green tea and lemon to wake up my inners (?) and help digestion. I try to intuitively eat and hold back from emotionally eating. So thats a messy representation of some of the things I’m doing from now on NOT to make me thin or such, but help me feel more in control of my health. Because to be fair, I probably have splurged a bit in the evening crackers and what not, so sue me! 

In all seriousness, behind the weight gain and feelings of gross-ness is the mental and emotional aspect of it, as I’m sure you can understand. Weight gain or loss is such a long and patient process that constantly leaves you questioning every method, diet and lifestyle that you’ve tried. I honestly sometimes just go through my diary and think how? How did I actually lose the weight? Because it feels like my life is the exact same. But then it just goes straight back to what I said about the body getting adjusted, comfortable and lazy. Is my argument scientifically backed? Absolutely not. But it makes a bit of sense. 

If there is any advice I can really staple into whatever you want to take from this (hopefully not a spiteful laugh) is that weight gain, fluctuation or anything similar does not mean you should resort to restricting and punishing yourself. I think a lot of health websites can all come together to agree that the first step to take after realising your weight has increased is NOT to just start starving yourself and beating yourself up. As this reinforces diet behaviour, which I spoke about in one of my earliest posts (dieting vs. healthy eating). And its so GOD DAMN true. Restriction > Binge > Negative Feelings > Restriction = boo hoo. If you truly want to make an impact on your health journey I recommend one thing as broad as it may be, but turn your entire routine around. Look at everything you do and switch it up. Unless you’ve already started then keep going! Its intuitive to blame internal problems on the external factors in our lives, but lets face it, sometimes we fuck up. Sometimes we are our worst enemies. If you’re tedious as me, I would advise you to just take out some paper and write down aspects of your life say: sleep, social, fitness, diet, free time etc. And see what you can change and try a different routine. It can be hard, no, thats a lie, it IS hard to change your routine but you can also learn a lot in doing it. I’m very guilty of staying within my comfort zone but getting out of it feels good, truly. 

If you have any questions, advice or need some, please feel free to send me a message as it honestly means the world to me. And in saying that, have a really beautiful week this week x

Ruby 

[chocolate-brownies]

Looking for more places to let loose and unleash your inner wildflower? Check out the musical lineup for a Wanderlust Festival near you and join in on one of our iconic dance parties beneath the stars.

Remember when we used to party ’til the break of dawn? Now, it’s more like party at the break of dawn. And the party involves a lot of sweat and adrenaline. Cocktails have been replaced by cold brew coffee and fresh pressed juices. We’ve ditched the stilettos for sneakers. It’s dance fitness: the new age of working out.

From choreography spin classes like SoulCycle to Daybreaker’s sober dance parties, barre’s modern take on ballet and the hip hop zumba revolution—people want to sweat it out to the beat, and it’s not hard to see why.

Humans have been dancing since the beginning of time. It’s instinctual. And studies show rhythmic movement to have powerful healing effects. No longer do we have to punish our bodies to see results. Instead, dance fitness is turning the workout world on its head by dimming the lights, turning up the music and bringing on the party. For the first time people are realizing they can have a serious, kick-you-in-the ass workout, while also having fun. Here’s why:  

It does something to the brain.

Healthy doesn’t necessarily look like a thigh gap and pack of chiseled abs. “Healthy” is less about looks and more about how you feel. So why does cycling, moving and dancing to a beat make us feel so good? Dr. Judith Hanna, PHD wrote in the Journal of Healing and Complementary Medicine, “The literature on dance and healing suggests that through dance, with its physical, emotional, cognitive and cultural dimensions, a person may gain a sense of control related to stress and pain.”  

Science shows meditation can literally rewire people’s brains. Similarly, dance has shown to have powerful effects. By nature, dance is a multi-sensory experience. You’ve got music, movement and creative expression, all of which profoundly influence the mind.

“The intricate combination of movement, rhythm and music involves simultaneous right and left brain usage in the complex process of self-expression,” explains Hanna. So not only are you keeping your core tight, but also your brain sharp.

The Power of the Pack

“There’s something about vibing with a pack of people that yields a powerful sense of community. Hanna explains, “ …in group dancing there are positive interpersonal dynamics that provide what may essentially be a support group.”

SoulCycle preaches about “pack mentality.” The energy is palpable when a like-minded tribe comes together, rinsing away fear and insecurities, helping push each other past walls and into unchartered territory. It’s primal.

Inhibitions drip away right along with the sweat; the endorphins wringing themselves out. You drink in the music and feel it in your bones. Melody Afakami, founder of Austin-based Melody Dancefit, says, “[Dance fitness] is less about competition and more about a collaborative community. In general, people are yearning for more meaning in every facet of their life and fitness is no exception to this.”

I had the awesome experience of dancing to one of Melody’s classes alongside a bunch of other health-minded humans at Austin’s Daybreaker party. With a glitter bar, a DJ flown in from Paris, and a mob of cool and funky outfits, it looked like a scene straight out of Ibiza, except the only substances being served were Chameleon Cold Brew and kombucha. And yet, the crowd jumped and jammed for three hours straight, the good vibes dripping from the windows to the walls.

There’s something deeply personal about dance.

In the ever-connected, anxious, “always on” world we live in, working out is the one place we can drop the selfie sticks and self-consciousness and just dance it out.

Even though you’ve got your crew to lift you up and hold you accountable, there’s also something deeply personal about dancing. After all, the old adage “dance like no one’s looking” came from somewhere. I’m not sure at what age we moved from rocking out at recess to death gripping the gym wall at the middle school dance, but somewhere along the way dancing stopped feeling natural and started feeling awkward. The stakes of nearly certain embarrassment too high to risk.

But there’s something about dancing in the name of fitness that renders some sort of permission to get weird and wild. After all, it’s all in the name of health, right? And when it comes to torching calories, you don’t need a tequila shot to give you permission to twerk your little heart. You can be stone cold sober and it’s perfectly accessible to WOO, wave your towel above your head, and get low, low, low.

That moment we lay down our inhibitions and let the music take over, surrendering to the fear that we’ll look stupid or get the steps wrong—that’s when the magic happens. It’s transcendental.

“It’s an activity that helps you lose and find yourself all at once.”

“For as long as humans have existed, dancing has played a sacred role in spirituality, religion, celebration, and community. Despite it being scary to so many, it’s actually one of the most natural things we can do. Dancing creates an indescribable connection, not only to yourself and others, but even to a different state of consciousness,” says Melody.

So what’s next?

Bring on the disco balls, because dance fitness is about to level up.

The evolution of dance fitness will surely shift and take on a new life, as all things do, but one thing is for sure, the spirit of it is here to stay. My hope is that as more people come to experience the power of dance they don’t think of it as just a fad workout or trend, but as a lifestyle—a way of existing in the world.

So here’s to more dance parties, more fun and turning all our inner wallflowers into bright, brave, and beautiful wildfires.

—

Laci Mosier is a copywriter living and loving in Austin, Texas. She and her one-eyed pirate dog live for exploring and discovering life’s magic. She is most inspired by yoga, running, Kundalini meditation, good books, great jams and even better coffee. Getting lost is where she is most often found. Follow her on the Twittersphere or Instagram.

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[pineapplehaven]

Things I am learning..

On my, mostly secret, weight loss journey. And what I mean by "mostly secret," I haven't really told my family what I've been doing for the past month and a bit, and have been very vague about it with the friends who it happens to come up with.

Why, you ask? Because I've struggled with my weight for 14 years or so. I've been overweight since I was 9yrs old. Food has been my everything. Food was comfort when I was sad, a reward when happy. It was how my mother tried to bond with us and showed she cared as we got older by buying us pizza and fried chicken almost every day. Something I over indulged in or denied myself completely when I wanted to punish myself for being fat or stupid. I need to do this for myself and that's why it's mostly a secret, and why I'm talking about it here. For accountability and a way to talk about it without "talking" about it.

I'm gonna be 25 in a few months and am roughly 5'4"-5'5" depending on the day, haha. At my lightest I was maybe 165lbs and that included muscle mass I'd gained from working out pretty regularly. Pilates and stationary cycling. At my heaviest, I was about 181lbs...which was a month ago. But usually I'm 170-175. 181 is the heaviest I've ever been. To be that close to 200 pounds, to know that I'd put on 10lbs in one month of binge-eating and depression this year...it scared me. For once...my clothes were starting to not fit me. Things that I easily wore I couldn't even get on. I haven't been comfortable in my skin since childhood, but I was feeling eve worse after going to the doctor and seeing my weight. Someone of my height and frame size, pretty small boned with muscly thighs...I should be closer to 135-145lbs. I've never been that weight in my adult or teen life. I'm now sitting at 173, I'm trying to set goals at 10lbs increments as to not overwhlem myself. Becoming obsessive and redeveloping any sort of eating disorder would be too easy for me. Hence the little goals. I'm trying to develop healthy eating habits and a relationship with food. My overarching goal is to lose 50lbs of fat at least, but I'm taking it 10lbs at a time. I'm 2lbs away from my first 10lbs and it has been a little over a month.

Anyway, on to things I've learned;

1) I've learned that I don't have to cut out carbs, sugar, fast food...or just all around bad food in general. I've learned that it's not about saying, "Not ever again." When it comes to food like that, it's learning to say, "Not now, maybe another day," or "Only a little bit." I can't imagine myself ever being a Whole30 person, Vegan, Vegetarian, Paleo, Keto, Strict Low Carb...or whatever. Food is sustenance, but it should also be fun and enjoyable for me. So finding alternatives to foods I really like that aren't so healthy or only eating out once or twice a week helps. It helps with the cravings and I don't find myself binging. I do consume less wheat/grain carbs than I used to. Try to limit it to one meal of the day or every other day eg; 1-2 slices of toast for lunch, but no rice with dinner. But that has been pretty easy for me.

2) Weight Watchers is a key component to my current success. Now I've been on weight watchers for a month. A week after my 181lbs weigh in. And to keep myself emotionally and mentally sound, I cannot be a calorie counter. I will starve myself, because I'd become obsessed with counting calories. Which is why I like the point system of WW. It can be frustrating at times and I cheat a little bit to not go over my daily points, but I've been pretty good with it. Pretty simple to follow and keeps me in check. There are some foods I don't think should be 0 points, but the assumption is that you're eating these food in moderation. I used to be obsessed with getting the blue dot on the tracker, if you're within range of your daily points, but if you eat low point or 0 point foods for a day--It almost feels like your being punished because you're eating healthy, but you didn't meet the points to get the blue dot. I've since gotten over that. I also don't feel as ashamed about joining WW because I need this and it's working, I shouldn't feel shamed by this.

3) The discovery of intermittent fasting has changed the game for me! Now I've tried the whole, you gotta eat 6 small meals in a day or whatever--And quite frankly, it has never worked for me. I was either too lazy or didn't have the time to fit in that amount of food. Not to mention I've never really been a snacking person, I don't like to fill my day with all that eating. So, I've been intermittent fasting for about 2 weeks or so now...well, officially 2 weeks or so. And it's perfect for someone who just wants to eat like 2 meals in a day, maybe a snack or dessert, and be done with it. I'm still consuming all my calories and nutrients, just in less meals and it stops me from binging into the night--which I was extremely guilty of or from shoving a whole box of mac n cheese into my mouth to compensate for not waking up early enough to have breakfast, so I'd have one huge brunch. I'm on a 16/8 fast. Which means between 11am-7pm, is when I eat. Outside of that, I DO NOT. There are a few exceptions where something will come up and mess up my schedule, but I'll compensate somehow to still make sure there is 16 hrs between my last meal of the day and my first the next day. It also means that I'm not waiting for my food to digest and use it as an excuse to put off working out got fear of stomach cramping. I workout in the morn, make sure I drink lots of water before so that I'm not running on an empty tank, and then have a hearty, healthy brunch as my first meal afterwards. It really is great and I'm actually hungry. I've never really been hungry for breakfast, so this time just works for me best.

4) I've learned...or am learning to be patient. When you've been overweight for so long, it's hard not to want the weight to come off extremely fast. You think of all the things you would trade if you could just drop 20 pounds in a week. You become desperate to reach your goal immediately so that you can be where you think you want to be. But it is a process. They say the more slowly you lose weight the easier it is to stay off, which is understandable. Your body begins to learn how to handle the new food and routine you're putting it through. It begins to learn how to lose or maintain the weight you've lost, to the point where one weekend no longer completely throws off your progress. But it takes time. It took time to put the weight on, it'll take time to take it off. And if it does come off fast, because you've got an awesome metabolism, or you go raw vegan, or do an extended water fast, take the time help your body adjust to maintaining that loss relatively.

5) The scale is only a number. I know I've talked a lot about my weight and the numbers in this post. And it's only because I have easy access to them now. Prior to WW, I didn't own a scale and only knew my weight from when I'd go to the gyno or something. And for at least 2 or 3 years, my weight stayed the same. And the reason I didn't own a scale is because of my history with eating disorders and obsessivenss. I was not in a mental headspace where I could have a scale near me and I wouldn't have a meltdown from constantly weighing myself. Due to being on WW, I own a scale now, but I have to train myself to avoid stepping on it more than once or twice a week. I know how easily my composure could be shattered from not seeing results displayed on the scale and I don't want to do that to myself. The second week, for one day it appeared that I had put on the 3lbs I lost that week and I balled my eyes out. Losing weight is already a mental, physical, and emotional strain. But just like your BMI number, a basic scale does not calculate the difference between fat and muscle weight. At my "fittest" I was still chubby, but I had a lot more thick muscle. Even though my weight was basically the same, I looked different, my clothes fit different. So, remember, that the number on the scale is just a guide and only a number.

6)Last one, since it's late and all. I've learned that even as I'm losing a little weight, with the physical changes must come mental ones. Yes, even if I reach my goal weight/body, if I still feel like a big girl, then it's only asking for disastor. No matter my size, I have to learn to be comfortable with myself or I'll never be satisfied. It's okay to have goals, but self-esteem and working on the dysmoprhia that one has with their body is a must...personally. Your body changes and so must you.

So, that's what I've learned so far. Hopefully I can keep this blog going and update on my journey.