#but what if. the performance of authenticity were all there were. there's nothing behind it. ONLY the performance

[imissthembutitwasntadisaster]

this essay is going to be absolutely genius if I'm not talking rubbish

[throwaway-yandere]

𝗖𝗹𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗹 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗱𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 [Yandere!Dottore/Reader]

a/n: this fic is 100% dedicated to @leftdestiny-posts and they would know just how much they had inspired me in this fic once they finished reading it HAHAHAHAH. P.S.: the classical songs mentioned are actual songs. Yes, the title is half a joke. Here's the spotify playlist if you're curious.

Unreliable Synopsis: You cannot remember your past, but your doctor has been with you every step of the way— and he's more than willing to spend some time with you outside the hospital. Still... did you always have pure white hair?

CW: yandere themes, light body horror, manipulation, its dottore, c'mon LOL.

Concert II "Tristezza Di Fine Anno", performed by the Morespoke Philharmonic with their conductor, Lady Columbina, began nearly an hour ago. And you had the fortune of hearing their songs for yourself.

The well-dressed crowd filled the seats, behaving in what was appropriate for their high station. It was fully booked. The music overwhelmingly masked anyone's breaths, if they had one to start with. Her program can be felt deep in the audience's bones. Rattling them in each sforzando before it lulls down through the sound of her handpicked musicians— with Lady Columbina as the lonesome soloist when the moment calls for it.

"This piece, Symphony No. 5 in C-Sharp Minor, is not Columbina's own making, she had failed to mention that," your company hummed. "This was by another composer who hid behind the name Safed. They were a self-fulling prophecy. Do you wish to know what they said about this piece?"

You said nothing as Zandik— Lord Dottore— stroked your unnaturally "white" hair.

"They said that nobody understood the piece and that they wish they could conduct the first performance five centuries after their death."

Zandik smiled.

"What say you? Do you think those words are true?"

Your company was a tall and thin man with artificially pale-ish skin and wavy blue hair. His eyes were reportedly bloodshot crimson, although you had not received proof of that in this lifetime. But, you were drawn to his deep ocean-like colors, and that was enough to keep you mildly complacent to his strange remarks.

Zandik is surprisingly a considerate man, but he must've brought you with him for a reason. He told you himself that the reason he brought you out of your prison-like hospital room was a mere experiment on his behalf. Paradigm-shifting consequences of his strange social experiments with you are likely to occur, and he cares not for its ethical debates. He won't ask for rhetorics; these to him are tangible outcomes and no questions will be entertained.

All except his.

"I think… "

The composition had a serene, slightly asymmetrical feel to it. You were certain this was Lady Columbina's creative liberties at play. Something about it did not capture its true authenticities. The show purported to narrate three stories: the first concerned a judge who had to find a loved one guilty; the second concerned a prince who drove their beloved into despair; and the final was a tale of a knight who disregarded his obligation to defend a loved one.

But it felt incomplete. As if there was a missing piece— a secret fourth act hiding between the notes and stage.

"A person can't completely mourn for something they would never experience," you told him. "But even so, if I were Safed, I'd feel like my effort would've been a waste."

His eyes remained trained on your hair as you spoke. Zandik seems to dislike it. Unlike his cells mixed with engineered nanomaterials, yours are uniquely… "natural". His hair has a color intensity, whereas yours was the presence of every color— as physics explained it.

"Something they would never experience…" Zandik repeated, tasting the words on his tongue— a smirk etched on his face as though it tasted like bitter irony.

You continued.

"I have a hunch that Safed put everything they worked hard on all their pieces because Lady Columbina wouldn't have performed it otherwise. Since all the songs on the concert's program are marketed as underappreciated compositions, I would… um… infer that they also questioned their works and ultimately themselves if it all had worth in the end. Hopeless for the lack of attention, they probably thought there's more hope if they lived in another generation."

You wanted to say, though you're not sure where this negativity came from, that they probably despised how their well-crafted works were ignored and their sloppy yet significantly more popular compositions angered them.

But you're not Safed. You don't want to put words in their mouth.

".... Hmm, an acceptable hypothesis— a decent one, even," whatever monotonous response Zandik wished to convey, his voice betrayed his grand satisfaction. "Yet I won't give you any confirmation."

"I know."

Zandik laughed.

"The next piece is Norn's Adagio for Strings Op. 11, before the closing Symphony No. 6, better known as Pathétique Symphony, in B Minor Op. 74."

You tilted your head innocently. "Pathetic?"

"Another piece by Safed. It's a Fontaine-translated title. It's originally named pateticheskaya, which meant passionate or emotional, not at all pitiable."

He crossed his arms, insulted as though he was the one who came up with the original title.

"Roughly half a millennium past, the masses attributed Safed's demise to the strains of their final composition, the so-called Pathétique, a mere nine days preceding their exit from this mortal coil. The prevailing narrative spouts a tale of a tragic surrender to the clutches of undiagnosed clinical depression. I find such simplicity in analysis rather pedestrian, wouldn't you agree?"

You took a while to process his inquiry before hesitantly nodding.

"I… I think so."

Zandik smiled.

It's hard to tell if it's genuine, especially when such a protruding mask hides his eyes. Should its existence vanish, you aren't certain you'd see a soul within his pupils either.

"Safed hated this piece, believing it should be cast aside and forgotten. They were living in the woodlands when they wrote it— and when they decided to live with their benefactor, it was suddenly difficult to tear them away from their work."

You nodded to cue that you were still listening.

"They have an incredibly deep connection with their works. One might say they see in tunes rather than color."

You nodded again.

"Your inclination towards a perpetual affirmation of propositions, presumably to veil any potential lacunae in your cognitive purview, does not escape me. It is, if I may be so bold, your agreement that conceals your specter of unfamiliarity, right?"

You rarely understand a word he says when he is in this passionate state. You just nod as if you knew.

"Adorable," Zandik chuckled.

His voice was chillingly low yet… comforting. 

"Your sincerity constitutes an enchanting facet of your comportment."

He had to be teasing you.

"Although…" Zandik grabbed a few locks of your hair as though it was slimy and unpleasant— quickly retracting them with a disapproving tilt. "You could stand to utilize more (h/c) hair dyes. How is it conceivable that it has returned to white yet again?"

You opened your mouth but Zandik raised a finger.

"No. I am the scholar here. Do not answer."

You giggled. "Understood, Doctor."

He grinned, inadvertently showing off his pointed canines.

"What a good test subject you are, my dear (Y/n)."

Whether good was a subjective or objective assessment or not was up to interpretation.

The mid-concert intermission began, allowing Lady Columbina's pressured musicians a 20-minute sigh of relief. Zandik ushered you to the back where the Lady Harbinger reposed on a white sofa, her cheek brushing a visibly soft and cloud-like pillow. The bright backstage lighting made her seem ethereal.

She looked like heaven, but Zandik would argue that "(Y/n)" is the true epitome of the word.

"Greetings. As expected, you'd initiate conversation at the earliest convenience." She cooed. "You look younger today, Doctor."

"You know very well that I do not take that as a compliment, Columbina." Zandik scoffed. "How many times will we rehearse this canned script until it is a learned lesson?"

"Perhaps it shall end on the day you refrain yourself from recreating… perspectives."

"Since my encounter with the Dendro Archon, I have not revisited that notion."

Columbina's gentle smile dropped coldly. "You know that your segments are not what I am referring to."

You looked back and forth between the two. Each of them was a distinctively unique person and it's a challenge to take your eyes away from the other.

Hence, when you felt Lady Columbina's eyes on you, you shook and straightened yourself before bowing stiffly.

"G-Greetings, Lady Columbina!!!"

Her gentle smile resurfaced.

"Greetings to you as well, dear Safed."

You blinked.

Dottore clicked his tongue, and Columbina laughed softly.

"Apologies, I meant to say (Y/n)— that is the name you go by in this era of humanity, right?"

You'd rightfully claim that between the three of you, you were the most human. Zandik has his clones, Columbina's origins are of strict secrecy, and you are a mere amnesiac patient. But the way she addressed you was sounding awful like stripping you away with that sense of humane identity.

"Yes? I guess?"

Columbina delightedly buzzed in your reply. "(Y/n)— truly a lovely name. That must mean that you're very healthy! It warms my heart to hear that name again. The other ones had terribly dull names, but if the Doctor had given you this title, then it must mean his research is finally drawing to a close."

Her remarks made little sense. You know little about yourself and trust only the Doctor's judgment. Should you trust her words, then it must mean (Y/n) isn't your real name…

But… that doesn't seem right either. 

"Not quite, the name deserves no celebration," Dottore replied happily. "I merely ran out of translations. Bianco, Wit, Bái— what else is there? Ancient Natlan?"

"Scientists truly make for terrible poets— Why not try Inazuman?" Columbina offered.

Those words must have had a heavy weight to them because Zandik pondered for much longer than expected.

"Hmm. I'll keep that in mind," Zandik muttered. "Although it is preferable it does not have to reach that point."

"May I ask why did you bring them here?" Columbina asked.

"It's a bit of an unconventional experiment, but I've been exploring how to elicit positive associations with certain stimuli. Exposing them to music as I accompany them should cause them to associate the emotional response it elicits with being around me." Dottore hummed. "It would be asinine to put them in a chaotic yet controlled environment such as a theme park. While a racing heart may be effective, I shouldn't risk a (Y/n)'s well-being by subjecting them to roller coasters."

"Are you sure you're not the scared one?" You asked cheekily. Zandik rolled his eyes.

She shook her head.

"What a roundabout way of saying you're taking them out on a concert date…"

Columbina looked at you once more.

"Oh, but (Y/n), you appear unwell, my dear…" she pointed at stage left. "Why don't you fix yourself up in the nearest restroom?"

Dottore raised an eyebrow, which made you want to decline Columbina.

"I'm r-really okay, Lady Colum—"

"I insist."

Columbina smiled wider. Her laced mask cast a gloomy shade on her visage.

You had no other choice.

"O… Okay."

The halls that led to the restroom were mostly empty. Perhaps it was due to Lady Columbina's performance that made them patiently await the next song.

But there was one young man you encountered along the way. He had blonde half-way braided hair and purple-ish eyes. You paid him no mind as he circled a small rectangular paper, likely the concert's ticket, between his fingers. However, within a second, that paper vanished.

You stopped in your tracks and looked at him curiously, wondering if your eyes played tricks. He laughed, noting your attention.

"Ah! Sorry," he cheerfully gestured a small wave. "Didn't mean to practice in public."

The blonde man approached you with a smile.

"You're #9805, right?"

Immediately, you both got on the wrong foot.

Your nose scrunched, "I prefer (Y/n)."

The man flinched. "Oh, yikes! I'm not making the best first impression— nice to meet you (Y/n)! I have something for you."

You thought he was handing you his concert ticket for a moment but when you took a good look, it was a grayscale brochure.

And a white tulip…

"Um…"

"Needless to say, I'm something of a—"

"Trickster?"

"Magician, but an astute guess nonetheless!" He laughed sheepishly. "I was waiting for you, I thought you wouldn't go to the restroom."

So, did Lady Columbina plan this?

You caressed the binding and skimmed through the pages. "What's this for?"

"Father said you might be interested in its contents," the young man said. "That's all."

You blinked.

"... Are you saying you missed out most of the concert just to hand me this?"

He laughed awkwardly again. "My dear sister says I have a habit of missing a hint of romanticism when it counts, so I guess today's just one of those moments."

"Did you not like the music?" You scoffed, temper rising.

"Did you hate the composition? Did you not understand the e-emotion behind the chords? Don't you understand just how d-disrespectful that was?!"

"Woah, woah, I didn't say any of that." His eyes widened.

He didn't expect your voice to crack.

"I'm so sorry if you're offended— are you one of the original composers?"

…

You took a deep breath.

… Why were you mad?

… Why did it feel like those songs mean more to you than meets the eye?

"Sorry, I just…" You shook your head. "I guess I'm not feeling well. Oh, no, I'm so SO sorry…"

An unknown part of you thrived to hear him praise the music. That same part pitied the composer who worked day and night to perfect their piece. It's an ugly voice, but it was sincere.

… What was wrong with you? Why did you suddenly lash out? What was going on?

"Oh, well there's no need to be sorry then." The blonde man took his hat off and bowed.

"Farewell, Mx. (Y/n)!" He grinned. "The greatest magician in all Teyvat will take his leave. Thank you for your time!"

With the sway of his dark cape, he disappeared.

You entered the restroom to wash your face. It didn't do much to soothe your nerves. The lingering dread for your strange emotional mood swing remained.

To distract yourself, you read through the article.

The Enigmatic Legacy of Composer Safed

In the annals of musical history, few figures emerge as enigmatic and hauntingly captivating as the orchestral composer, Safed. Born five centuries ago amidst the ancient woodlands of Sumeru, this ethereal musician seemingly materialized from Vanarama with no familial relations.

Huh… So it's about the one who wrote the previous compositions earlier.

No wonder that blonde man asked if you were one of the composers. He was being a smartass.

A Fiery Finale: The Pathétique Symphony

Legend has it that in their final act of emotional expression, Safed penned the "Pathétique Symphony," a composition so emotionally charged that, overwhelmed with disdain for their creation, they purportedly set ablaze their woodland home. Seeking solace and escape, Safed accepted the benevolent offer of a city-dwelling benefactor.

…

…

Safed… burned down their house?

No…

No, that's not how you remembered that.

No.

No. No. No. No. No.

That's not what happened. "Safed" didn't burn their house down.

Suddenly, you stilled. Your thoughts ran wild, but your inner rationale tried to force them to a halt. This peak in anxiety did not make sense.

… Why would an amnesiac like you know what happened?

A Swansong: Il Dottore's Beneficence

Their benefactor, now celebrated as our Lord Harbinger, Il Dottore, welcomed Safed into the city's heart. It was here that the truth unfolded: Safed had been grappling with hearing loss for years, an affliction that fueled their artistic brilliance yet cloaked them in a muffled world. They were unaware of their disability, yet thrived in their field.

…

…

Wait…

Before you began to read the final paragraph in Safed's brochure, you hurriedly went back to Dottore and the composer's vintage photographed portraits.

After seeing their face, you dropped the brochure in the restroom's sink.

You saw their face.

You saw YOUR face and Zandik's.

But not quite. That was you, but at the same time, it wasn't. Zandik looked stiff in those photos with "you", likely a product of the time since Kamera photography was used only in rare formalities that required a bit of dress up. But the "you" you saw was sickly way beyond the formal costumes. They had (e/c) eyes and (h/c) hair, but yours were all white. 

White…

Safed… That's the Sumeru translation for white, isn't it?

Bianco, Wit, Bái— they're all translations for "white", aren't they? And if Dottore and Columbina's earlier conversations were to go by, the one after you would be named Shiro.

…

The one… after you?

"Tut tut."

You trembled at the familiar sound.

You slowly turned your head around and there he was, leaning against the restroom door.

"You were in the restroom for too long. It appears my suspicions were not unfounded."

Without waiting for a response, he approached with large strides. His gloved hands seized your stressed shoulders. The grip tightened harshly as he forced you to meet his intense gaze. Blood trailed from the corner of your mouth, and your anxiety heightened. He angrily bared his sharp teeth as he watched it stain his gloves.

And yet Zandik looks…

Sad.

And distressed.

He pressed his earpiece.

"Test Subject #9805 exhibits troubling symptoms. Hematemesis suggests a severe physiological response. Persistent manifestations of albinism in ocular and follicular pigmentation indicate underlying deformities. Immediate isolation is warranted for the researcher and subject's well-being."

His hand was cold. Skin imbued with silver nanomaterials after several operations, reminiscent of the age-old philosophical question: "Is it still the same ship if you gradually replace all of its parts?" 

Then Zandik did something unexpected.

He dropped his hold and you prepared yourself by shutting your eyes as he swung his arm.

To hug you.

"I'm sorry, I have failed you again, (Y/n)," Zandik muttered. "I should not have raised my expectations."

"W… What? Why are you putting me in isolation?" You asked, rattled. "What have I done?! I just— I didn't do anything wrong! What did I—"

He shifted, dragging your arm to hug him back as though you were a little girl's doll. Zandik rested his head on your shoulder, shaking slightly.

"In your innocence, no fault lies. I thought I had accomplished what I had set out to do, and met unfulfilled expectations" Zandik gritted his teeth, voice somber. "Despite centuries of refinement, it appears that I still have room for improvement in perfecting the process… I was right. This deserves no celebration."

The doctor laughed sadly.

"When will I ever be proven wrong?" He asked himself as he wiped the blood off the corner of your lips.

He pulled away, pecking your forehead.

"I'm sorry."

Those were not the words you expected from his mouth, and yet you heard it more than once. I'm sorry. It does not fit his character, nor does the tender yet cold hug he had given prior.

You're scared. You're terrified. You know what was bound to come. You know what awaits you. White walls. Silence. Separation.

Solitary.

Far from a choice. Far from negotiable.

There's no amnesty.

And yet, the words flowed from you naturally.

"... I forgive you."

You have no idea why you said what you said. There's no certainty that you believed your own words. Zandik's lip twitched downward.

"You should not," Zandik croaked. "Why? Why must you always forgive and accept my selfishness? Do you derive satisfaction in seeing me in this state?!"

You opened your mouth to answer but were stopped abruptly as he grabbed your hair.

Zandik had always favored you compared to other patients. You know this very well. He's an evil man and the list of actions he had done that had harmed you in the name of science is at least two pages long upon your awakening. Yet, you were sure he liked you enough for he told you of his new exciting experiments. He scolded you when you left his research institute for fresh air. And he would hold your hand whenever you dreaded those thick injections.

You just didn't know he had it in him to fold from his intimidating facade just to kiss you like a desperate man. 

Breathless under his control, he softly pressed his lips against yours. His lips were chapped and cold, and he took you in gently as though he'd break you. Zandik, as strange as it was, still seemed to prioritize your comfort over his needs. Normally, this tension would've made him so short-tempered. But this will be your last interaction. The doctor tasted your blood in his mouth, and he was nauseous at the thought of hurting you more. But he stopped. Even though he wishes to force all his pent-up desires onto you. Even though he wanted to love you thoroughly that you'd forget your name again.

Zandik whimpered quietly as he pulled away— sounding like a dog that would not sleep that night. What was left in between was a thin disappearing line of saliva and blood that quickly broke off.

The doctor should be happy he finally got to have a proper date with you after 9805 failed attempts. 

But he's not content.

He was about to lean in for the second time but stopped himself. Selfish. To think he nearly saw you two finally walking down the aisle. Why was he always so selfish when it came to you? But those rhetorics mattered not in your head.

You were silenced. You were held.

You were loved.

"No." Zandik breathed in, laughing humorlessly. "No— I am the scholar here. Don't answer."

And you will be disposed of.

"Take them away." He spoke to his men calmly. They had entered long enough to witness what he had done. The men did not hesitate to grab you, thinking Dottore thought you no more than a mere toy.

But calm was deceptive. It does not convey the distress that chokes him.

Maybe…

Maybe in the 9806's trial… he'll have you as he always wanted.

The Fatuus that escorted you in was gentle. A silent guide. The expression on her face was clear that she wanted to extend her apologies as well but mustn't.

You already have a white tulip in hand.

Arlecchino already sended her regards in advance.

When she opened the door by tapping a card against the lock, she bowed her head. You let yourself enter without a fight. The room was pure white with the rest of the furniture matching the drapes. But Dottore didn't just provide the necessities. There were books, sketch pads, and other recreational materials.

As you were about to approach the center, something was off on both sides.

You looked to your left.

Two clear mirrors divided your room from the others. There's a sign on the left wall. Code #4135.

You stood, shocked, grieving at the sight of your predecessor. They were a mirror of you but with a different name— and an even worse state.

One had made a slight sound coming off their skin— rotting slightly. There's a tube connected to their mouth and you could see yourself— you could see them dripping. They had your face. Their hair and eyes were white. The nose was gone, leaving a gaping hole. Their neck was cricked back at an unnatural angle. You don't know if they're still breathing. They're still bleeding. They must've bitten off their tongue.

There's a lone white blanket that covers the rest of them.

You think they might be dead.

You think "you" might've died more than once.

THUD!

You jolted at the sound coming from the wall behind you. Upon seeing their body, you froze.

Code #032.

They were but a head. You wish you could only focus on that aspect, but you looked lower and your hair raised. They cannot feel the same, for they were almost only a spine left. The rest of them were their skeletal frame, guided by thin lines one can barely call flesh.

Their head banged against the mirror. The thought that the sound was what made you flinch earlier made you unwell.

They seem to be telling you something. Their breath fogged up the glass and their thinned white hair splayed across your view. Their mouth said something urgently you couldn't comprehend because their tongue was paper-like in size.

#032 was shaking. Their pain grew vivid in every movement that the room was starting to spin. You sensed their turmoil.

They looked like death.

You all looked like death itself, both the pretty and ugly ends of it.

"Don't." You whispered, begging as you knelt to their level. "You don't have to speak."

You laughed deprecatingly.

"We're not the scholar here. He is."

In every syllable, you saw the outline of their esophagus strain. The nerves were blueish purple. The little skin they have left on their cheeks is sunken. Their lips were gnawed, likely as a response to the pain they'd gone through previously. Fists of bone tapped against the glass, and you quivered, imagining their pain.

You were not afraid of them. You only mourned their anguish. In fact, you feel at ease to be in the presence of yourself from the past.

It reminded you of what "Safed" had allegedly spoken years ago.

Nobody understood the pieces you made and you wished you could conduct the first performance five centuries after your first death.

And now, here you are.

Seeing two "people" who do understand you.

And they share your face.

"Pathetically", the only one that can understand you is yourself.

You're all flies trapped in a web that the predator refuses to wrap and consume out of pity. Compared to the others, you looked fine.

But your lungs were blistering.

Despite their deathly ill and mutilated bodies, you were the one bound to die soon enough.

His experiments worked.

You love him.

You love Zandik.

And how tragic it was that the person who learned how to love him was doomed to perish.

In your last minutes, you recalled something vital:

As an outsider, your body was not meant for this world, but after encountering the woodland creatures and Zandik, it became tremendously difficult to part ways with it.

You coughed up yet again with a gentle smile on your face. Maybe you're not dying…

Maybe you're just returning home, for every atom in your multiple bodies was once part of the galaxy.

You are (Y/n) (L/n).

And you were not from Teyvat.

Much like the rest of the descenders, you have a quirk about you that sets you apart from the norm. For the travelers the world reveres today, it was their distinct determination and questionable age that was remarkable. Yours slightly titters to an inhuman level.

You can "clone" yourself.

Zandik and the "original" you wouldn't phrase it in that manner, but it's the easiest way to describe your talents.

"So, it is cloning." Zandik paused. "Mind letting me in on the science behind the process?"

He was an ordinary student when you both met. Far from a doctor, but at least he was a registered scholar in the Akademiya. Zandik didn't have an eloquent tongue as he does in the present, yet his curiosity burned all the same.

Which is why, back then, you thought his questions were cute.

Not dangerous.

"It's not that I can make copies of myself without consequences," you humored with a grin. "I'm just making… fragments of myself. Segments, if you prefer to call it that. It's a common ability for the people back in my world. None of us do it excessively— especially since we're kind of an invasive species." 

Zandik raised an eyebrow, "is that a commendable trait?"

"My kind says so. Whether good is a subjective or objective assessment or not is up to interpretation." You answered noncommittedly. "I don't think that's right. Our soul splits apart until we're just… empty. We lose some memories in the process."

"But functioning?"

"In a sense, yeah, but we lose a part of ourselves like memories and well, hair color, I guess." You nodded. "Why are you so curious?"

"Since you have rejected my confession, I want to try my hand at seducing a copy of yours instead," Zandik said. You couldn't tell whether he was joking with his naturally piercing red eyes. "Until then, you are not allowed to asexually reproduce without my authorization. Understood?"

You laughed. Unaware of his arsonist crimes, you willingly indulged his words.

"I owe you my ears, so it's only right that I'll listen to your commands, Zandik."

"Good." Zandik grinned, shark-like.

"What a good test subject you are, (Y/n)."

Centuries later, that closing sentence will continue to remain true.

Since then, his life has changed. Multiplied, even. Upon studying your genetic makeup, he found ways to duplicate himself as well. Despite his feats in science, Zandik remained unhappy.

Deep down, all the Harbingers pity the Doctor who cannot save his most loved one. That includes both Columbina and Arlecchino.

No one protests even when harmful orders are given; everything appears fine until the symptoms are felt. Because the organism— the astral descender— has no nerves or voice, he continues to assume that the patient is not in pain.

The patient needs peace but because they are not to speak, they remain silent, and the need persists.

The patient wants to eat and breathe fresh air, but because such desires might hurt the feelings of the doctor who thinks he has done everything needed, the patient remains quiet, contemplating desires out of fear of reprimand.

The original (Y/n) (L/n) suffers in silence. In a white room only accessible by a man who continues to nurse his unrequited love: Zandik.

No one else can enter this room.

He won't allow it. Only he can be obsessed with you.

The thought of you haunts him like a smiling reflection upon window panes— like a gift of a Trojan horse with nothing but your echoing laughter and hospital monitor beeps inside. Your thin limbs were marching clock hands with rusted gears that miraculously function till the end of time.

What is immortality for if every day was a death loop?

It is such a lonely concept…

You ought to be thankful that he's willing to be your eternal company.

"I endeavored to elicit a reciprocation of my sentiments from the latest subject. Regrettably, their discovery of my antecedent experiments transpired prematurely. Nevertheless, as asserted several times, it remains but a temporal inevitability until an iteration of yourself succumbs to having an interest towards me." Dottore hummed.

He held your feet.

He held Test Subject #01's feet.

If you spoke up, he would've bragged about how he was right. How people do love your songs. But no one knows if you can't or won't answer him. This one-sided conversation is the punishment for his hubris.

He took out a sharp knife and cut off one of your toes. You no longer feel any pain as you bleed into his hands. What a kind man the doctor is, for he blocked all your pain receptors years ago. It's a good thing you regenerate quickly.

That's what he loved and hated about you.

You only gave and gave.

But you never ran out of soul. You never ran your heart fully dry— and that left you ill. Zandik could never let you go.

You're already a part of him.

Hence, he must not make clones of exaggerated memories. He wanted your perfect yet healthy replica.

Praise be the white corpuscles extracted from your veins which had brought him new life. You were the reason for his research. You were the breath that gave his segments life. You were his muse, much like he was yours.

"Fear not, (Y/n)," he reassured with a measured tone. "Upon my mastery of the arts, I intend to reinstate your autonomy and awareness. Perhaps then, you shall find the organic inclination to reciprocate affection toward me by the 9806's trial. Until then…"

In other words, give him more time and he'll reinvent love.

He leaned his forehead against yours.

"I'm so, so sorry."

And ultimately, he'll reinvent YOU.

"Can I have another piece of your scalp?"

"No."

"Do you not understand the weight of this research or must I expound on it further in another three-hour presentation?"

"Alternatively, you could start by saying that you're sorry," you raised an eyebrow. "I'm still not over the fact you randomly cut a piece of my ear when I was asleep, doctor. You know, I heard from the aranaras that white tulips are given to someone when they ask for forgiveness."

Zandik smirked.

"Regrettably, it seems that such an occurrence is unlikely to transpire. Do not expect such words and gifts from me."

You smiled.

"We'll see, we'll see."

Taglist (pls notify if you wish to be on the taglist for the last two): @average-yandere-enjoyer @pix-stuff @sagekun @vennnnn-diagram @dilucragnidvr @tnsophiaonly @lsleepysimpl

[communistkenobi]

i know next to nothing about queer theory, but i did exist online during (what felt like) huge exclusionary periods (ace discourse, bi/pan discourse, and transmedicalism were the big ones i remember)

i wonder if the first drive for sexuality being something unchangeable and intrinsic to you had something to do with those things, that queerness was fixed and definable, which meant that there were strict lines to be drawn about who was and wasn't gay/lesbian/bi which was only made worse by trans and nonbinary people who didn't exactly fit the previous molds

ill be doubly honest and say i only interacted w/ the community online at the time bc living in a homophobic country doesnt give you a lot of opportunities to meet up in person which means my view of the whole thing is skewed. im not sure if this makes any sense

What I’m about to say isn’t a diagnosis of the causes behind those discourses (partly because i don’t think there is a single reason animating those arguments), but like I guess in general a very baseline authority people fall back on is biology. Dominant reactionary discourses describe being gay trans etc as a lifestyle choice, as an active decision to participate in sexual and gendered degeneracy, and so a very appealing counter-claim to make is to point to biology - we are born this way, we can’t help who we are just as cishet people cannot help who they are, so you should accept us because we can’t change our identity. That rhetorical strategy requires/assumes a stable sexual and gendered ontology, a primary authority of the body that can’t be altered. While I believe this argument is fundamentally flawed, I think this is a straightforwardly easy argument to make re: sexual orientation. With trans and non-binary people this is more difficult because the foundational claim to our existence is that gender is mutable, is alterable, is subject to change (and also “I’ve felt this way since I was a child” is a pathological model of gender dysphoria that is enforced through medical and psychiatric institutions, not a reflection of lived reality for many, many trans and non-binary people). That doesn’t necessarily mean being transgender is a “choice” (although if someone said they woke up one day and chose to be transgender then that is a perfectly authentic justification), especially because “choice” in these discussions is often framed as individualised, private, detached from the social world - we are all just free agents making rational autonomous decisions in a field of equally rational choices, etc. which I think is a very impoverished way to understand choice and agency. Gender is an institution, it is a set of behaviours and performances that we choose to engage in in many different ways, and my use of the word ‘choice’ there does not imply these choices are free from coercion, violence, or harm. I chose to transition, I chose to engage in performances and behaviours that signal to the social world that I am a man - where that desire to make those choices arises from is another matter, and honestly not one I’m super interested in figuring out. Like if I discovered the ‘origin’ of my transness it wouldn’t make any difference to me. Similarly, how I choose to signal masculinity is very obviously bound up in dominant gendered assumptions. Trans people get accused of upholding gendered norms a lot, but that’s only because we aren’t taken seriously unless we do so! It is a survival mechanism that allows us to better navigate incredible amounts of violence and social exclusion, and arguing that our desire to do gender with our bodies comes from some grade-school assumption that dress = woman and pants = man or whatever is pure projection on the part of cis people. cis men think if they drink pink wine they’ll become gay - trans people are not the ones enforcing these norms here.

Getting a bit far afield here, so to loop back around - I think a stable state of sexual and gendered subjectivity or “being” is very appealing to a lot of people because it’s a way to dismiss reactionary fears and to justify to yourself that your oppression is entirely out of your control (which is true obviously!). Again I think these arguments are flawed because they buy into cisgendered and heteronormative ideas about gender and sexuality, that it is a biological burden imposed on us, that deviance is not a choice, that gender is done to us as opposed to being gendered agents, that we are similarly trapped in a sexual prison and should be accepted on those grounds, etc, but they have massive rhetorical power.  

As I’ve said before I’m a pretty staunch believer in Butler’s assertion that it is social all the way down, that gender is not discoverable in the body but rather the body is the medium through which gender is done in the world. Cis people choose to do gender just as much as trans people do! The only difference is that institutional architecture is set up to facilitate and make invisible (in very misogynistic and racist ways) those gendered practices. I think the stronger counter argument to make is that cis- and het-normativities are deeply violent and miserable status quos that need to be dismantled and discarded, that true choice can only emerge vis a vis gender and sexuality once those institutions are abolished, and that choice is actually a desirable end-goal - I want people to be able to participate in gender and sexuality as free agents, as non-coercive practices that are sites of great joy and wonder and pleasure. And this world is only possible if we accept that there is no gendered or sexual ontology, that it is all smoke and mirrors, that this current system’s primary function is to reproduce the nuclear family, to maintain the hereditary nature of class and wealth and race, to provide a standardised system of labour division, to maintain a distinction between the public and private labour realms, and so on.

So again like, is this what animates discourses about who gets to be counted as lgbtq/queer/whichever label you want to use? I don’t know. Probably some of it has to do with that. Queerness is in party a pathological category that is used to describe a failure to meaningfully reproduce cishet norms and practices, it is a set of relationships you have to legal and political and medical and administrative institutions (which is especially true for trans/non binary people). I like this definition because built into it is the possibility of change - I do not want trans people to be assimilated into cishet society, I want society to become transgender, thereby making transgender an irrelevant medical and legal category of person. Much like communism aims to abolish class by universalising the proletariat, I want to abolish gender by universalising the legal and political and medical mechanisms of transition. Only then will cisgenderism be abolished.

One thing I have been thinking a lot about is something a friend said to me, which is that human rights to do not begin with a definition of human - in the same way, I think trans rights do not require a definition of transgenderism. Just universalise and de-pathologise the mechanisms through which transition is expressed. Make it easy to change your name, remove all barriers to hormones and surgery, make everyone economically secure enough that they can change their wardrobe however they please,  desegregate all gendered spaces, de-gender clothing, remove gender markers from all documents, and so on and so on. Doing so would make both cisgender and transgender an irrelevant legal and political category and, again, allow choice to emerge as a meaningful mechanism of gender expression. 

This isn’t a comprehensive policy platform, there are many things I’m sure I haven’t thought through and a large portion of this discussion has to contend with the colonial and white supremacist nature of the western binary gender (bringing us into discussions of decolonial efforts, socialist efforts, and so on), but this is already getting long and I feel like I’m rambling. But like fundamentally I believe in a radical political imaginary that argues that all of this is subject to change and therefore any arguments about an essential gendered or sexual being is, at the end of the day, a reactionary description of gender and sexuality 

[howdoesagrapewrites]

Poly pavitr and gayatri with a reader who loves their yandere antics bc I honestly would’ve stayed with them. Have you seen them omg

𝙇𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙢𝙚 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚

Cw: poly!gn!reader x Pavitr Prabhakar x Gayatri Singh, unhealthy attachment, slightly sadistic reader

Notes: my honest reaction if Ms Gayatri Singh and Pavitr freaking Prabhakar wanted to hold me captive

"You don't go near that door" Gayatri's voice was dark, rich, it tingled your ears like plum velour

You tilted your head with genuine intrigue, "Why wouldn't I?"

"Please" Pavitr whined as he came near you

"Will it hurt you if I leave?" You're fixated on Pavitr's eyes, warm chocolate brown now shadowed with desperation, need.

"Yes, you have no idea" he answers, reaching for your waist, you don't let him grab you, rather close the distance yourself and throw your arms around his shoulders, nuzzling in his neck, you break partially loose and beckon Gayatri to come to you, she follows, docile, nothing left of her previous attitude.

You're enveloped by their warmth, some might say it was suffocating, they were probably right.

"Then I won't, I won't hurt you, I won't leave." You're know what that phrase entails, what you've promised, to who you've promised yourself, but you're choosing to do it this way, to embrace them entirely, at their lowest, and their worst. You trusted them with your life, your heart, your mind, they will never forsaken you, they will never be uninterested, they will never get bored of you, as far as you're concerned, that's true love. The one the poets sing about and people fawn over, the kind of true love that makes humans scared, scared of the intensity of their feeling, afraid of love in its purest form, at its rawest.

This promise made them feel secure to unleash all of them, all the things they hid.

Pavitr would only ever leave to perform as spiderman, always coming back needy for affection, that you of course always provided. Pavitr needed to be close to you or Gayatri at all times, and you always indulged him, he held your hand while you ate lunch, cuddled you when you were busy on the computer, sat on the middle of the bathroom while you were showering, he no longer needed to hide his overwhelming hunger for you. You found it endearing, nothing was enough for him, no matter how much you gave to him, he would never find it "too much", he would never think of you as anything but a blessing, a gift.

Unlike other situations where you would resist, they were both lenient with your "out-passes", letting you have a semi-normal life, of course you could never go alone, but it wasn't because they didn't trust you, it was because they missed you. They distrust the world.

Gayatri got you both jewelry that she swears are not collars, they are. You know this, Pav knows too, but you're thrilled by it, a reminder of how she owns you, how you own each other, the delicate balance that can be thrown off by any of you, yet it's kept solely because of your devotion. You understand her feelings, and even though you don't need a collar or a leash to stay by her side, you'll wear anything if she asks in such a nice way, such a sweet way.

You spend your days hearing the word "love" left and right, but it has never been spoke with such authentic, sterling meaning behind it.

"Love". Love enough to fill you up, love enough to clean you up, love enough to drown this out, love enough to drown you out.

[jokeroutsubs]

We want to wish everyone a happy 1 month anniversary since the Stožice concert! 🥰💗

This is a translation of an online article published today, 6.11.2023, by Suzy magazine, a subsidiary of the Slovenian newspaper Slovenske novice. The author of the article is Polona Bohorič.

Audio version by IG Gboleyn123 can be also listened on Spotify, iTunes, and other podcast platforms.

ODE TO JOKER OUT

What do these guys have that is lacking in the world?

Respect. To everyone. To their roots. To the world. Compassion. The desire to be human. Playfulness. That inexhaustible companion of creativity.

[Photo caption: They give off the feeling of an old, well-rehearsed rock band. PHOTO: Mediaspeed]

Fever

I actually don't even remember when and how I got the Joker Out fever. What attracted me? The lyrics for sure, words have always been a sacred tie for me, a fundamental element. Rhythms and melodies were not far behind. Likeable. Enough to awaken my attention, followed by curiosity and then the excitement of discovery.

Charisma, honesty, open-mindedness. The incredibly complementary collection of members, both in personality and in their image, works as if they had been put together by some giant professional American or English production company. But they have built themselves. Step by step, as it seems, since childhood... With resolution. With learning. With a freshness of their own which is brimming in them, and which they are showering over people far and wide... Material that is good enough to set one small country on fire. And this fever knows no bounds and it is spreading.

In a world where we are all the media, it's not that hard to create one hit. But keeping and stacking the material to maintain and even increase the temperature is a task that many have already undertaken. Only few succeed.

The first time I heard the song "Novi Val", which is becoming the anthem of a whole generation, I was as struck as if I had opened a textbook with instructions on how to exist and at the same time embrace life. Youth is always finding it's own way, circumstances are constantly changing. The rebellion of yesterday is not the same as the rebellion of today. However, the inner strength that drives the world forward is the same.

[Photo caption: What do these boys have that is lacking in the world? Surely something profound, something that every young heart naturally longs for. PHOTO: Mediaspeed]

Authenticity

There are five of them. Five points of a star.

Their roles in the five-pointed community are so natural. It doesn't matter who occupies which place, when or why, but more importantly that they blend in with the others- just as the points in a star blend together. What matters is that everyone enjoys it. Playing, complementing. And growing. I perceive them as coexisting in total acceptance of one another.

If they have made their way to the stage by by walking the road laid before them by their role models, this influence has brought them to a point where they seem to have found not just each other, but their own star.

One role stands out despite their unity. This role is not called frontman for nothing. He is simply in the foreground. Born for the stage, regardless where or with whom, but at the same time a sensitive soul and a perfectionist. I was struck by how subtly he slowly turned the stage spotlights onto his friends in the band, so that they all came out of their shells or got rid of their reservations. The wisdom of a leader, hats off.

Mastery

The boys are precise and skilled in their work, although (or maybe because of it) their performances in smaller clubs seem casual, as if they had just dropped in on their way. Their mileage of being onstage is noticeable. They give off the feeling of an old, well-rehearsed rock band. But the magic happens when the audience feels that the pleasure is theirs. The wave that lights up on the stage ripples in both directions.

[Photo caption: Bojan Cvjetićanin, born for the stage, regardless where or with whom, but at the same time a sensitive soul and a perfectionist. FOTO: Mediaspeed]

A crowd of a few hundred or a few thousand - there is no great difference in the response - is spellbound from the first to the last chord. This desire to move with everyone on and below the stage is more than the individual bras, bracelets and glasses, which are already becoming a collection. It is a powerful force of invisibly woven feelings, emotions, memories and visions. It is the enthusiasm of youth, regardless of age.

Who is part of the generation of love and hope? The Stožice stadium gave me the answers.

A six-year-old girl, sitting calmly cross-legged on a slightly raised technical prop in the arena, silently moves her lips with each word in the song, and as the boys leave the stage, she wisely observes, "It's not over yet. Carpe diem is still missing."

Her father, who looks at her with wide-eyed pride.

Thirteen-year-old best friends, accompanied by one of their mothers, experiencing the ecstasy of each song individually? Their own experience follows the band and the stage, and with the obligatory recording on the phone, they sing to each other, confessing and commanding each verse, with the full conviction that it is theirs.

The mother is stoically tolerating what is happening, obviously aware of the importance of this moment for her daughter.

In the stands, the seats are not filled because all the ticket holders are on their feet, dancing, singing.  And they undulate. Fans and admirers in a crowded fan pit, who have been preparing for this moment of unity for six, eight, ten months.

Friends and colleagues of the five guys, scattered all over the arena, keeping a watchful eye on every move.

Two ladies in their fifties, standing next to a fence, dancing and reliving their youth.

[Photo: Mediaspeed]

Slovenia, Europe, the world. Twenty-seven countries are present in one space and united in one chorus. An ode to youth, rebellion, trust and determination. It lasts for two hours in this place, but lives in the heart in each moment, pulsating in a single beat.

No, it is not hypnosis, it is a wave of hope and trust. A belief that youth can do anything. This youth is not really defined by numbers.

Values

What do these guys have that is lacking in the world? Surely something deep, something that every young heart naturally longs for. When it merges into the same river with them, that deepness can be drunk in long draughts.

Respect. To everyone. To their roots. To the world.

 Compassion. The desire to be human.

 Playfulness. That inexhaustible companion of creativity.

Cooperation and cohesion. Powerful weapons to prevent the ego from growing like a wild weed.

The ability to maintain distance without arrogance. The ability to accept without becoming greedy.

Gratitude and modesty. These two keep your feet firmly on the ground.

[Photo: Mediaspeed]

Courage and hope. Two invincible forces that help to spur and tame even the wildest horses and lift them up to the unknown, the incredible, the dreamlike.

I perceive their strong mindsets through their gestures, words, concerts, interviews. Although it is quite clear how responsibly and professionally they have embarked on their journey, I hope that the weight of what they have already experienced does not press them into too much deliberation about the way forward. I sincerely wish them to remain in tune with their authenticity: childishly mischievous, youthfully seductive and juicily mature.

This world is already all theirs ...

-~-~-~

Translation by @kurooscoffee. DO NOT REPOST!

[cain-e-brookman]

i was tagged by @illarian-rambling! thanks!

Rules: post brief descriptions of some characters and a poll, then get people to vote on their favorite

okay i've done this for the main cast of book one, lets see how much i can give away for book two characters

propaganda under the cut

Hesperos is a Sky Mage of Clan Galanis who worship the eldest of the Sky God's children: Khrou the Messenger, Goddess of Lightning. Exiled from his clan at a young age, for reasons he won't speak on, he was found off the coast of Vizia on a half-destroyed vessel by a young merchant lord after being abandoned at sea. Although he grew up alongside the carefree culture of the Sea God's children, he keeps to his clan's disciplined philosophy, as to never lose the grace of his goddess. Despite the strict adherence to his religion, Hesperos is, well, a ham. A performer from a young age, he loves nothing more than music, theater, and being the most dramatic person in any given room. He's enjoyed the wealth of his guardian, but never puts on airs and it polite to a detriment. His manners are his shield, as there's much he hides behind a charming word and easy smile.

You have two options. If you want to know her as a friend, you know her as Miss Belle, the owner of the most bustling tavern in Crescaeya: The Sunk Gator, home of the most authentic Marsher cuisine this side of the border. If you want to know her as an enemy, it's General Isabelle Duplantis-LaBoef of the Shadow Kings Army. During the war, she was known as the most ruthless defender on the home front. The only person in history who had ever sunk even a single Vizian ship, let alone three. After the heated peace talks ended, and the Vizian Armada broke their embargo, Miss Belle stayed on with the army long enough to get her sash of medals from the Shadow King, then move north to Uslaria for her restaurant. It's better not to ask too many questions; all good Marshers know this. So no one questions the late night shipments at her door, or how the large woman who always has the private table upstairs resembles a particular Vizian Fleet Admiral...

Anyone who's been in a room with Tavi knows he's royal, no matter what blood or title say. A merchant marine made guild leader, he's known to be as two-faced as they come. In balls and social events, the picture of grace and charm, funny and social. Anyone on the business side knows this is a lie. He's a controlling, stubborn, and hard business man who knows how to get things done. No one can deny he gets results, though, and through a friendship (or more if the rumors are to believed) with the duchess, he's managed to worm himself deep into the inner working of the largest trade city in Uslaria. After years of watching him slowly take control, most now understand why his family signet is an octopus.

Silas was once a carpenter who lived deep into the wild lands tucked into the heart of the Marshes, the Dark Waters, but was pulled from his life during the war with the Fire Mages. Marked by the Silver Moon as the most true Mage in his small town, he was drafted the moment the Marshes were attacked. His time in the Shadow King's army brought him far from home and ended when his unit was attacked in an ambush as they pushed their way through enemy lines in the middle of the night. He spotted the attack before his sleeping camp had, sounded the alarm and held back the assault long enough to give his men a fighting chance. In doing so, he sacrificed himself to the fire, and that night, under the light of the Silver Moon, he died. Or so the casualty report would say. The healers didn't think he'd survive the hour from the burns, but he did, becoming the only living person to ever hold the medal for a sacrificial death in defense of the people of Ixoryn. (He made it very clear when he made it home, he wasn't giving it back.) Now, he lives in Crescaeya as Tavi's live-in bodyguard, able to intimidate most before they even think of hurting his lord. The burn scars on most of his body sends a very clear message: You're gonna have to do worse than this to take me down.

and i'll tag @spideronthesun @skullduggeryandfilibuster @emrowene @topazadine! as always no pressure!

[always-is-always]

Jungkook, honest as always

His level of professionalism is about as high as one can get. With that comes expectations, especially from the Artist, himself. It isn't surprising to see him sending a message to ARMYs about his live performance.

It was obvious that he was clearly aware of his pitch, when he pulled out the one earpiece while he was performing. It's how JK navigates as a singer, an artist, and a perfectionist. (As a person who is classically trained, I totally understand what he is doing and why.)

He will never settle for less than perfect. His ear won't let him. It's been said that he has perfect pitch, which again makes it really hard when the vocal chords don't quite hit like they are supposed to. It's the nature of the beast, as one might say.

More than likely there was some type of interference in the earpiece, from the background sounds (wind?), surrounding city sounds, the fans, or who knows what.... Plus, performing outside is hard because there's nothing to contain the sound. So if the earpiece or soundsystem were not quite right, when he pulled out the earpiece it may still have been hard for him to clearly hear himself, along with the musicians behind him.

Yes, he did a great job performing, with the cold temperatures, and with everything else he had to navigate. I think that he's just being totally authentic with ARMY, when he voices his thoughts about his performance. Yes, it's important for him to know that we loved it, AND it is important for him to feel comfortable enough to say that he'll do better next time.

He's always going to bring his best, and then look to improve it afterwards. That is his nature and he cannot do it any other way.

All we have to do is remind him how proud we are of his accomplishments. Also, remind him of how much he is loved, no matter what. Pitchy notes, and everything. 💜🐰💜

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

Young American - Part 18**

This part is very fluffy and romantic! There's also a playlist for it if you guys want to listen and read simultaneously:)

Chapter 18 Playlist (don't forget to turn off shuffle!)

Series Masterlist

Warnings: Oral (m & f receiving), unprotected sex

WC: 9K

The day running errands and going around town with Harry and his grandma had been so fun. He was right, once she had warmed up to you she was a riot. She was wise, witty, sassy, and humorous - all staple traits of a person who had lived a long and very full life. They had just finished having lunch with Anne at her little shop, which was absolutely precious by the way, and were now waiting for Harry at a gelato shop that was around the corner while he helped Anne unload the boxes with all of the things she needed to make the centerpieces. 

Hillary was just sharing some funny stories about Harry growing up and all of the fun and quirky little things he’d do. He certainly did love attention, that’s something that she knew, but not to the extent Hillary was sharing with her. They were laughing as she shared a specific story about Harry at the school talent show when he was just 8 years old and literally performed “Jailhouse Rock” with the dance moves and all. Harry now, was a lot more reserved, but she felt like it was against his nature to be so tame. Maybe the people he had been around previously made him doubt his flamboyant and energetic self, it was slowly coming back though, she could see him getting sillier and less reserved the more time they were together and it made her feel really happy that she even played a little part in helping him reclaim himself again.

“What are you two trouble-makers laughing about?” Harry suddenly appeared behind her and she glanced back with a bright smile and immediately moved over to the next seat so that he could sit down as well.

“She’s telling me about your Elvis impersonator stage.” She giggled as he took a seat and groaned.

“Gran…” he whined.

“You were adorable.” Hillary assured and he hummed in slight disapproval as he glanced over to Y/N’s ice cream cup and then he smiled at her.

“What?” She asked

“Nothing, just…soulmate stuff.” He said cocking his head towards her ice cream and she looked at him confused.

“My grandad told me once that I’d know who my soulmate was because we’d have the same taste in ice cream.” He chuckled as he looked to his gran and she laughed softly as well, “I was maybe 10 or 11, but I never forgot him telling me that.” He said and she smiled, “Mint chocolate-chip is my favorite.” He said as he dipped the spoon into Y/N’s ice cream and savored it with a smile.

“He only told you that because you had bought that girl from school an ice cream and she didn’t like the flavor, remember that?” Hillary asked and Harry nodded.

“Sure, but it was very sound advice.” He said and Y/N giggled, “You two had the same favorite ice cream flavor.” He pointed out and Hillary chuckled.

“That’s true. But see, we didn’t have many ice cream flavors growing up, it was more likely for us to have something similar. You lot have so many options now.” 

“All the more reason to prove that his advice was so sound! I mean what are the odds?” He said before scooping some more of her ice cream into his mouth.

“What are the odds of you getting your own cup?” Y/N interrupted and he and Hillary chuckled.

“No chance, baby. Sorry.” He hummed playfully and she giggled. “Alright ladies, wrap it up so we can get to the jewelers before they close.” He said and they finished up and were soon heading off to the jewelers. 

Once they got to the jeweler’s Y/N was just looking around while Harry went up to the counter with his grandmother. She was picking up the earrings she wanted to wear for the wedding but they needed some repairing. Y/N had always loved jewelry, but she had never really purchased anything authentic since she was rather casual in her day to day style and very rarely did anything that required her to purchase and collect pieces. She did love looking at it though, so shimmery and delicate. Her dad had gifted her mom some beautiful diamond studs for their 10th anniversary she’d been allowed to borrow them for her prom, that was the extent of her experience with expensive jewelry. 

“Baby!” He heard Harry call for her and she turned to him, “C’mere.” He said and she skipped on over with a smile.

“What’s up?” She asked looking between him and Hillary.

“Don’t be upset, but I got you something when I came a few months ago and I need you to try it on for me.” He said and she looked at him with a slight frown.

“Harry, really?” She asked and he nodded.

“Baby, don’t worry about it. Just want you to try it on for me so we can see if it needs any more adjusting.” He said and she sighed.

“Alright.” She agreed and the clerk opened up the black velvet necklace box resting on the counter before them. She pouted as soon as she saw the delicate pearl necklace, “Oh my god, look at how beautiful it is!” She gasped excitedly and Harry smiled at her reaction.

“Yeah? You like it?”

“I love it. It’s so delicate and simple.” She smiled at him.

“Thought so too, got one for myself and I wanted you to match with me.” He said softly as he lifted it from it’s box.

“Oh, H…” she sighed with endearment, “I am obsessed but we need to talk about your tendency to spoil me.” She said and he sniggered.

“We’ll see about that. Turn around fo’me.” He said softly and she did as he said as he helped her get the necklace on. She glanced over to Hillary who was smiling at her with reassurance and Y/N just sighed as Harry clasped it on. “Alright, c’mere.” He said pulling her over to the mirror a few feet away, “What do you think?” He asked as he wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his head on her shoulder as she looked it over.

“I’m…obsessed.” She admitted with a bright smile and he grinned.

“Yeah?”

“Mhmmm.” She hummed as she bit her lip through a smile and he kissed her cheek.

“Good.” He hummed, “It’s not a ring, but just something we can both have.” He said softly and she smiled at him through the mirror.

“I love it. I do, H.” She said and then turned around, “But I also need you to know that I don’t need anything extravagant to be happy with you.” She said and he smiled.

“Baby, I know that, I’m sorry if you feel like I’m love bombing you or something. I promise you it’s not that, it’s just that now that things are going well for me I just wanted to spoil you a bit because you’ve taken such good care of me the last several months.” He explained and she tutted.

“You don’t need to do anything in return for that. I just wanted to make sure you were OK, you know that.”

“Yeah, of course I know that, but I still just wanted to do something special for you.” He said.

“Well thank you, baby. For all of this, for bringing me here and letting me meet your family and for getting me this gorgeous necklace and just for being mine, I guess.” She sighed and he grabbed her face gently and kissed her tenderly, “I love you with my whole heart.” She said as their lips parted and he smiled.

“I love you too.” He assured, “Will this go with the dress you’re wearing?” He then asked and she nodded.

“Yeah, I think it’ll look nice.” She assured and he smiled a bit brighter now.

“Perfect. Do you want to keep it on right now? S’already yours.” He reminded and she grinned and nodded.

“Yeah, actually.” She nodded and he seemed pleased with that.

“She’s going to keep it on.” He said to the clerk who nodded and then started to put away the box it was in into a bag.

“Baby, I don’t want your grandma to think that I’m like a gold digger or something.” She said more softly and he chuckled.

“Don’t worry, she was with me when I bought mine and ordered yours back in January.” He assured and she sighed.

“OK, good. I don’t think I could continue on if your grandma disliked me.” She said and he chuckled.

“Nah, she loves you.” He confirmed, “God…I wish you could’ve met my grandad.” He said quietly and her gaze softened, “He would absolutely love you. My dad too, they’d both be bashing me over the head for not having brought you over sooner.” He said with a sad, but reminiscent smile. “Would you mind coming with me to like…pay my respects?” He asked and she glanced up to his eyes and shook her head with a gentle smile.

“No, I wouldn’t mind. I’d be honored to go with you.” She said and he exhaled shakily.

“I’ve never…gone before.” He admitted and she hummed, “Like obviously, I went to their funerals, but I just never went back again, it was just too hard. But it’s been way too long.” He said with glossy eyes, clearly there was a lot he was feeling about this.

“Baby, we can talk about this some more later if you want.” She said and he swallowed thickly and nodded.

“Yeah, let’s do that” He said before he cleared his throat and pulled her closer and kissed her forehead. He felt relief knowing that’d she’d be the one to go with him for the first time.

********

They headed back the house afterwards to drop his gran off so she could start on dinner. Harry then drove Y/N and himself to the cemetery where his family had plots. He had a good cry while he just let all of his thoughts and feelings out. He did feel guilty for never visiting, even while he was living here, but he felt that if he kept going back while the wound was still healing it would take a lot longer for him to actually move forward. As he explained all of this to his dad, grandad, and her he was completely sincere and vulnerable. She listened without judgement or commentary. Grief was such a personal and individual journey. She hadn’t lost someone that close to her but when she first moved in with Julie, when she was at her worst and the prognosis not in her favor, Y/N had started to grieve her. She was present for all of the suffering Julie endured and death seemed like the greatest kindness to her at the time. Grieving a living person was awful, but it did help bring them closer, to appreciate each other while they still had the chance, while there was still time. But Harry’s grandad and dad were gone, there was nothing more he could do to make peace for the things he felt had been left unsettled. Of course he knew that they loved him and supported him right until the very end but all he wanted was more time. But as her spoke his feelings and them talked to Y/N they concluded that at the end of everything all the time in the world would still never feel like enough when you love someone, there was always more to look forward to. The time there was solemn, but still special and beautiful as Harry told her a little bit more about his dad and grandad. As he shared with her what parts of him he felt had been passed on from them and as he shared these things with her Y/N also wished that time had been kinder to him and to his family, what a privilege it would’ve been to meet these important figures in his life.

*******

They’d had quite a big day, so after dinner they headed straight to bed. They had the roast the next day and she and Harry had been invited over earlier to help prep so they wanted to make sure that they were well rested and well, morning had come far too quickly for Harry. He made a fuss about Y/N getting up early but soon followed suit. It was nearing 10am when they made it to Gemma and Skye’s house.

“Good morning! Come on in!” Gemma greeted them cheerfully with big hugs.

“Where are the babies?” Harry asked immediately and she rolled her eyes.

“Ivy is having a bath and Archie is in time out in his bedroom for attempting to flush my AirPods down the toilet.” Gemma shared and Harry laughed loudly as Y/N giggled along.

“Uncle Haz?” They heard a small voice from upstairs and his eyes lit up.

“Jesus, he heard that terrifying laugh and just knew, didn’t he?” Gemma teased and Harry scoffed as he started to toe off his sneakers.

“I know I’m not his parent but I think it’s safe to say his time out is over.” Harry said before hurrying up the stairs and Gemma shook her head.

“Well, you’re more than welcome to join him and his shenanigans or you can have a cup of coffee and help me assemble the veggie skewers.” She smiled at Y/N hopefully and she giggled.

“I’ll join you, think he’d like to do some catching up on his own before I become the new favorite.” Y/N grinned and Gemma smiled as she guided Y/N to the kitchen. After they organized everything they got to cutting the vegetables for the skewers.

“So do you like kids?”

“I do! I have a few nieces and nephews of my own.” She explained, “I’ve always been pretty good with kids too, which definitely came in handy.” She said as Gemma nodded in understanding, “Did you like kids before having your own kids?” Y/N asked an Gemma nearly snorted.

“No. Skye and I had said no kids.” Y/N’s eyebrows raised in shock.

“Oh, no way! What happened?” She asked through a laugh and Gemma shrugged.

“It was just…meant to be I guess. Well, with Archie at least. We had been so careful because we were still considering the best contraceptive option for us but ummm, right place, right time…and here Archie is now…” she smiled happily, “Ivy we did plan for but we thought she was a boy until a week before the baby shower…we had to change everything at the last minute.” She recalled with a chuckle.

“Geez, what a stress!”

“Oh, definitely.” Gemma agreed, “So do you want kids?”

“Yes.” Y/N said immediately and Gemma chuckled at her obvious enthusiasm, “That sounded so desperate.” Y/N chuckled, “Which I’m not, like I can’t even for like another couple years with this thing in my arm.” She explained, “But the prospect just excites me. To be able to have that with someone who means the world to me, I think it would be really special.” She explained and Gemma smiled.

“Yeah, it is really special. I mean, you think your heart has limits, you know? But when you get pregnant you’ll see that it’s just…limitless, your ability to love.” She said and Y/N nodded with a smile, “Harry’s always wanted kids too. I was a little worried at some point that he’d feel like he was getting too old and just rush into it, you know?” Gemma said and Y/N hummed, “But it’s really important to him so I’m glad he’s been patient and like wanting to do things right. And by “right” I don’t mean like the traditional way of things, I mean more as in like right when he’s actually ready and like…has someone who wants that with him.” She said and Y/N smiled.

“Yeah, I get what you mean. It is a huge responsibility, being a parent. Most important job in the world, I’d say.” Y/N reasoned and Gemma nodded in agreement.

They continued chatting about a lighter subject until Skye had come down with Ivy as it was time for her to eat something. “Oh my god, look at her!” Y/N cooed at the little girl in Skye’s arms and he chuckled. She’d be so fortunate to have kids with Harry, the genes in his family seemed to be very strong because this little girl bore an incredible resemblance to Anne, “Wow, she’s so beautiful.” She said to Gemma and Skye who thanked her with proud smiles. Y/N would go for Ivy when she was done eating.

Sure enough she was asked if she wanted to watch Ivy while Skye took over what Y/N had been doing and she eagerly agreed. She made sure to stay within sight of Gemma and Skye so that Ivy could still see them around as she was a new person. But she warmed up rather quickly and they had moved to the TV room turned play room after a bit of time. Y/N was soon playing with one of Ivy’s little animal noises machines and animatedly imitated them causing the little girl to laugh, completely overjoyed by her commitment to the role. She felt as if the baby’s laugh was literally adding years to her life, she was just so energetic and engaged. It made her impatient to have this for herself. She was so enraptured with Ivy that she hadn’t even thought about finding Harry. 

Harry had just come down the stairs with Archie hanging on his broad back, clinging on for dear life because he was quite small in comparison.

“Where’s Y/N?” Harry asked Gemma as he wandered into the kitchen.

“In the TV room with the baby.”

“Should we visit your sister?” Harry asked, craning his neck to try and get a look at Archie.

“No.” He said and Harry chuckled.

“But you said you wanted to meet my Y/N.” He said with an exaggerated pout.

“OK, but just for a little bit.” Archie agreed and Harry grinned.

“We’ll see about that.” He said before rushing off to the TV room. As soon as he got down the hall he could hear Ivy in stitches over Y/N’s slightly muffled voice. And when he peeked in he saw that she was telling Ivy a story, but swapping out these animal masks that they had in there. Harry was beaming as he stepped inside and she glanced up to him and smiled brightly. But Ivy’s incessant laughter was making Archie curious and he wanted to go see what was so entertaining so he was fighting for Harry to put him down and when he did he rushed over and looked at Y/N for a moment.

“Are you a nanny?” He asked and she giggled.

“No, just a friend. I’m Y/N, what’s your name?” She asked extending her hand out to him and he took it timidly.

“Archie.” 

“It’s very nice to meet you, Archie. Do you want to help me tell Ivy a story with the masks?” She asked and he nodded, “OK, you pick which one you want to be.” She said softly and he went for the Zebra mask and he started going off, randomly spouting stuff as Y/N tagged in a couple details and in two minutes Archie had completely forgotten about Harry and was just laughing along with Ivy and Y/N. Harry’s heart felt so full as he watched Y/N with Archie and Ivy, she would be such an incredible mother. It was making his heart beat rapidly as he thought about what their future would look like.

“Uncle Haz!” Archie called for him and he snapped back into reality and hummed.

“What is it, bud?”

“Can we please get ice cream?” Archie asked and Harry glanced to Y/N with a suspicious look.

“He brought it up in the story!” She raised her hands innocently and he glanced back to Archie.

“Pleeeease.” He begged with those big green, puppy eyes of his.

“Fine, I’ll go ask your mum.” Harry said, “But I am taking your audience.” He said and scooped up Ivy as he headed out of the room.

“Hey!” Archie called after him and Y/N giggled as Archie turned to her with a pout.

“It’s alright, we can have our own fun. Do you have a favorite toy?” She asked and he lit up and nodded and rushed over to the toy box labeled “Archie” and as he dug around he pulled out a firetruck that looked pretty realistic. She ooh’d and ah’d as he showed her all of the things it could do in his three year old speech, but she understood him quite well. When Harry returned with Ivy in arms he smiled as he just watched on for a moment as Archie and Y/N played with his cars before he announced his presence.

“Mummy said yes to ice cream, but we need to go now.” Harry said and Archie shot up and then grabbed Y/N’s hand.

“I need help tying my shoes.” He said to her and she stood and nodded.

“OK, I’ll help you.” She assured him. Archie sat perfectly still while she laced them up but Harry could just see him buzzing with excitement. As soon as they got the kids settled in Gemma’s car Y/N started getting out of the back seat to go up front but Ivy got a hold of her shirt.

“Sit here!” Archie insisted and Y/N smiled.

“OK.” She agreed and well, she was quite squished between the two car seats, but she was entertained with both children demanding her attention. Archie was rather talkative, he was saying a lot of nonsense, but Harry admired the way she was so attentive and responsive to him, while also managing to keep Ivy entertained. As soon as they were close Archie was firing off about everything he wanted to try up until the moment he was being unbuckled by Y/N. He latched himself to her pant leg as she got Ivy out and even shooed off Harry.

“Arch!” Harry said trying to get him to give her some room but he was too enraptured by Y/N.

“C’mon babies, let’s get our ice cream!” Y/N said as she extended her right hand out for Archie to take it while Ivy rested in her left with her little arms latched to her shoulder. Harry stopped for a moment and just had to take a picture.

“Baby!” He said and she hummed and turned around to see him with his phone up. Archie took this as his cue to hug around her legs and she laughed at how endearing he was and really, thank god for live photos because he captured the little exchange perfectly and then he ran over to join them.

*********

As the day transpired Harry came to a single conclusion which was that he was no longer the favorite, these children were obsessed with Y/N. Her nurturing and gentle way of being just made his heart swell, he’d been on the receiving end of that part of her before, but seeing it happen before him, to his own family, it just made him ravenous. Which maybe wouldn’t be the normal emotion someone would feel, but it’s what he was feeling for her, hungry and in love. He wanted to have babies with her immediately, as many as she wanted, he didn’t care how many. He had baby fever, watching her tend to Archie and Ivy throughout the day. He’d suppressed about a dozen love boners throughout the day and he just knew that so long as they were here with his family there’d be plenty more of those to come. 

Y/N had everyone wrapped around her finger; she was so kind and gentle and easygoing and she wasn’t afraid to get silly with the kids which he loved most of all. They were currently in a game of tag with Archie and she was guiding him through the backyard as they tried to escape Harry, but he soon had them cornered and his playful gaze was set on her and she was laughing as Archie shrieked as the nerves got the best of him.

“Archie, you’re gonna run that way,” she pointed in one direction, “and I’ll run to your uncle to throw him off of your trail.” She said lowly and he nodded at her plan, “1…2…3! Run!” She shouted and he took off like a bullet despite his clumsy 3 year old running and she laughed loudly as she charged towards Harry. But he stooped down to wrap his arms around her legs and picked her up and she laughed as he spun them around a few times before losing his balance and causing them to fall on the grass with groans as they collided with the ground. They could hear his family laughing at them from across the yard and soon Harry was peering down at her.

“You alright?” He asked with an unwavering smile and she giggled and nodded.

“Yeah, m’alright. Are you?” She asked suggestively and he looked at her confused for a moment until she slightly wriggled under him and he realized that he was completely hard in his pants and then he sputtered on a laugh.

“Just give me a moment. Literally been so focused on not popping love boners all fucking day it was about time one just slipped through the cracks.” He huffed tiredly and she giggled as she pulled him to lay down beside her. It was about to be 8 in the evening so the moon and a couple of stars were already visible in the darkest part of the sky and she pointed up to a very distinct glimmer near the moon.

“That one’s ours.” She said softly and he chuckled.

“Baby, I think that’s your astigmatism because that’s a plane.” He said softly and she started to laugh loudly and he as well as he pulled her into his side and kissed her cheek. She hummed happily as she glanced over at him. She loved the feeling of the cool grass under her bare feet, she loved that she could walk everywhere and not feel too hot, she loved the red-bricked homes, and that people here said “tomahto”, and that his family had roasts every Sunday. Without even realizing it, her eyes were starting to gloss over a bit and he pouted a bit, “What is it, my love?” He asked softly and she smiled softly.

“I just really love it here.” She said quietly and he just looked over her face for a moment.

“Like…enough to live here?” He asked and she nodded and he leaned down and kissed her with all of the love in his heart. He had to keep it PG because Archie was still around, though Skye had him trapped now to give Y/N and Harry a much needed respite from entertaining him. Their lips parted and she hummed.

“You have such a beautiful family, H.” She said softly with a hint of longing.

“You give me the feeling they do.” He said and she immediately smiled.

“That’s…a huge compliment. Thank you.” She said and he kissed her quickly once more.

“This has been the perfect day.”

“I think so too. Ughhh and the babies! They’re exactly how you described them.” She said and he chuckled.

“Are you gonna have baby fever now?” He asked more lowly and she giggled.

“With how cute they are, for sure.” She confirmed with a lump in her throat. She was going to be insatiable for months, she could feel it, “Does that happen to you?”

“Always. Especially around those two. Like obviously our babies might look a little different, but I-” he stopped as her nails slightly dug into his arm that was around her middle, “What’s the matter?” He asked and she swallowed thickly.

“You said our babies and it…caused a visceral reaction…continue.” She said and he sighed.

“How do you think I’ve felt all day long?” He asked lowly, “Fuck, I just can’t stop thinking about how great of a mum you’d be.” He said and she felt her heartbeat starting to increase.

“Harry…” she whined softly.

“Fuck, we’d make such pretty babies, don’t you think?” He asked as his grip tightened on her and she nodded. Just the thought of getting to have all that with him was making her so emotional, “I can’t wait for you to have my baby in here.” He hummed softly as his hand splayed over her lower stomach and she just pushed herself up onto her elbows and kissed him quickly but deeply.

“You can’t say stuff like that to me when we’re in public.” She practically whined and he sighed.

“I’m sorry, baby. It’s torturous, but I just want this with you so badly. I can’t wait for us to get there.” He said and she hummed with a smile.

“Soon.” She said and he smiled.

As they laid in bed that night, both of them too exhausted to even move they continued the conversation.

“I think 2 kids is perfect.” He mused, “Don’t really care if they’re girls or boys…”

“Me either…” she hummed, “Seeing you with Ivy though did tug at my heart strings.” She said softly and he smiled.

“You know if we had a baby girl we’d have to slip Julie somewhere in the name.” He joked.

“Julie’d love that.” She giggled, “Would you want a jr. or a second?” She asked with a giggle.

“No, none of those.” He chuckled, “How self-absorbed to you think I am?” He joked

“Well…” she hummed playfully and Harry smacked her bum making her squeal quietly and she chuckled.

“I’m so happy our paths crossed.” She hummed sleepily and he felt his heart swell in his chest for the umpteenth time.

“I am too, my love.” He whispered.

**********

The rest of the week had flown by far too quickly. It was the wedding day now and Y/N and Harry had spent a large part of the morning helping Anne over at the venue to assembled the floral decor for the ceremony & reception. Y/N couldn’t wait to see everything in the evening when the lights came on and such, it was already dreamy in the daylight. In the afternoon Y/N helped Anne get all made up since she had been struggling with getting falsies on when she had tried previously. It was so nice to do this kind of thing because she hadn’t really had experiences like that with her own mother. Additionally, little things like this made Harry even more sweet on her for wanting to make those memories and help his mom.

Harry ended up getting showered and dressed in his grandmother’s room since she was getting done up with Aly. Harry felt good as he looked himself over once more before heading out of the room. He was by the door getting his shoes on because it was time to go. They were going to be staying at the estate with the rest of the wedding party to not have to drive back late, so they needed to arrive a little earlier to get settled in.

“Mum, Y/N!” He called up the stairs, “We don’t want to be late!” He proceeded to lace up his shoes.

“Baby, can you help me?” He heard and glanced up the stairs to see Y/N at the top landing with her heels in her hand and he felt his heart literally stop at the sight of her.

His lips widened in a smile and he chuckled softly as he looked away for a moment, he had no idea how he’d gotten so lucky.

“Oh my god.” He said glancing back to her as she descended. She felt herself going warm in the face at his compliment. He rushed over to the stairs and carefully grabbed her face in his hands. “You’re absolutely breathtaking.” He said softly before pecking her lips quickly and then rearing back to get another look at her. He shook his head in disbelief again, “Jesus… you look so fucking perfect.” He complimented her again.

“I’m glad you like it.” She said softly.

“Yeah. You’re perfect.” He said and she giggled as he was still kind of reeling, it made her feel gorgeous and desirable.

“You also look amazing. Really sexy.” She said softly as she held the lapels of his jacket as she glanced up at him and he smirked, “Should we just do more formal stuff so that we can dress up more? Quite like this look on you.” She said and he chuckled.

“Honestly, yes.” He said and she grinned.

“I’m gonna apologize in advance because when I get tipsy tonight I might get really handsy.” She warned softly, “I mean…look at you.” She sighed dreamily and he chuckled.

“That’s fine by me, baby.” He winked cheekily. Once he helped her get her shoes on he went up and grabbed their and Anne’s overnight bags before they took off. 

The ceremony had been short, but it was so beautiful. Harry and Y/N were clutching to each other the entire time, stealing little glances and fantasizing about how things would go for them when it was their wedding day. The more time he spent with her the clearer it was to him that every single moment in his life had led him to that day in the shop where they had their first meeting. Though their first interaction had unfortunately been a squabble that they could laugh about now, he never in his wildest dreams would have thought for a moment that she was his other half. The absolute love of his life. His dream person. It’s funny how life works out sometimes. He smiled as he just observed her as he walked back to their table from his visit at the DJ booth. When he got to the table he grabbed her attention by placing his hands delicately on her shoulders and crouching down to her ear.

“Let’s dance?” He asked softly and she nodded.

“I’m not the greatest dancer by the way, just a warning.” She said softly with a giggle. She was feeling quite tipsy with all of the wine she had flowing through her veins, intoxicating her brain and body in the most comforting and enjoyable way.

“S’alright, baby. We can learn together.” He said softly and she smiled at him in agreement. Little did she know that Harry only danced at things when his gran or mum dragged him onto the floor after he was quite intoxicated, this was new for him. But just seeing all the other couples on the dance floor together, yet simultaneously existing in their own little worlds, it was enviable and having a memory like this with her was worth far more than his self-consciousness over his dancing. So he slipped the DJ a tenner for him to next play a song that he’d listen to a lot when he was working up the courage to tell Y/N that he was in love with her. So he guided her over before wrapping his left arm around her and joining their hands as she leaned in closer.

Y/N smiled because she felt like everything was right with the world as she rested her head on Harry’s shoulder as they swayed slowly to the song playing over the speakers. She closed her eyes and trusted that he would guide them cautiously. As that song finished up she glanced up to him as they came to a stop, she was ready to head off of the floor and he tightened his hold on her as a lovely guitar picking started up.

“Wait, this next one’s for us.” He said quietly and Y/N pouted with endearment.

“Baby, I’m gonna cry.” She cooed.

“It’s not a sad song.” He chuckled and she giggled.

“I know! But I didn’t know slow dancing could be this intimate.” She said with a little whine in her voice and he chuckled again and kissed her forehead tenderly.

“Listen, yeah? I’ve got you.” He assured and she nodded as she assumed her previous position, resting against his shoulder as he set a tempo to their steps. The feeling of being so close to him this way was so fucking romantic, it was making her heart feel so full and for her tummy to turn with the swarm of butterflies tirelessly fluttering inside. God, she loved him so much it physically hurt and that was something so foreign to her, but she hoped that she’d feel this way for the rest of her life. “Cause I’ve been waiting what feels like my whole life for something that feels like you in my arms. But nobody feels like you in my arms.” He sang along lowly with the song and she couldn’t help it as she smiled wide. Her eyes started to gloss over with tears of joy and love and passion as they swayed slowly to the music. Her heart had completely melted as she listened to his deep voice reverberating in his chest as he continued singing along with the song right up against the shell of her ear. She was trying to keep her composure, but it was so difficult, how she just wanted to disappear with him right now and just exist together forever and ever, just the two of them in their own world. “Cause I’ve been waiting what feels like my whole life for something that feels like you in my arms. But nobody feels like you in my arms.” He sang a little louder this time and she glanced up at him.

“Is this our song now?” She asked softly and he smiled.

“It can be, this has been my song for you for…ages now.” He confessed and she sighed against him before kissing his shoulder, “Don’t let me go…now that I’ve got you. And I won’t you go…now that I’ve got you.” He sang quietly against her ear as she giggled from the tickles of his lips and breath caressing against her sensitive skin. She was covered in goosebumps from the beautiful music and lyrics he was singing to her; to their love. Her affect was so easily manipulated by the music, so as the music swelled her emotions did too and she just couldn’t hold her feelings back anymore as she let go of his hand and draped her arms around his neck and tip-toed to reach his lips better.

They were both smiling as their lips met in soft little pecks that soon became more languid kisses and then just a slow, deep one that they pulled apart from when they heard all of the guests laughing lowly as the song started to wind down. She and Harry soon joined in on the laughter when they saw Alyssa coming up to them as she simply handed over the bouquet of flowers for the bouquet toss to Y/N.

“Let’s face it, you’re definitely next…” she said to them both with a grin and Y/N was blushing like mad and burying herself into Harry’s chest as they all started to cheer for them.  “I’m sure more people teared up watching you two just now than they did during my first dance. Upstaging me at my own wedding is gonna cost you at least 3 songs, H.” Alyssa teased and he chuckled.

“Yeah, alright.” He agreed and she just leaned in and hugged them both.

“You deserve this, H.” She said to Harry and he smiled at her with so much gratitude.

“Thank you.” He said quietly and for once Harry didn’t question whether he deserved something as special as this in his life or not. He was just so happy and relieved that they were some of the fortunate people who had found their soulmate.

After one more song they headed back to their table, naturally they were stopped by several people on the way back to their seats to be congratulated on their love or to be told that they were such a beautiful couple. When they made it back Anne was still dabbing at her waterline to avoid her tears streaking down her face and Harry just kissed his mom’s head with a slight chuckle as he teased her for being a cry-baby.

“You’ll understand when you’ve got your own babies.” She huffed and he chuckled.

“Do you want to go on a little stroll outside?” He asked Y/N, “Take a break from being the center of attention?” He added with a smile and she nodded.

“Please.” She confirmed.

“We’ll be back, just gonna take a little breather.” He said to his mother and Gemma and Skye before they started to make their way out of the reception tent. The estate that the wedding was at was huge, there were lavish gardens with fountains and endless flora on one end and stables towards the back of the property. There were also a few little bungalows built on the property in addition to all of the suites inside the actual mansion. Well, this was more like a castle if you asked anyone so why bungalows were needed, who knew? Harry took a slow pace since they were walking on pebbles and he imagined it was a bit challenging to do so with high heels. Y/N pressed herself closer to him as a light breeze wafted over them, “Here, my love.” He said as he stopped and shrugged off his jacket and draped it over her bare shoulders.

“Thank you.” She whispered before they tangled their fingers together again and kept walking towards the garden in a comfortable silence before they found a little bench and settled down there. After a few beats of silence he spoke up.

“Baby, I’ve been thinking about everything we’ve talked about and experienced while we’ve been here together,” he said and she hummed, “And I think we should start planning for our future.” He shared, “I know that we’ve been a little bit cautious about involving your parents in what we have but I think it’s time, you know? I think we’re in a good and solid enough place where I’d feel comfortable like, standing up for us and our future. And I mean, I don’t want your dad to think that I don’t respect him or care about his opinion. I mean, even if he’s not supportive of you or us, like I just want him to at least know that I’m serious about starting a life with you.”

“Yeah, you’re absolutely right. I mean, even if he hates you he’ll appreciate that because he’s big on respect and stuff like that.” She said and he hummed.

“You really think he’ll hate me?”

“At first glance yes.” She said softly, “That’s why I’ve been really…evasive of this.” She explained, “Knowing how hard you can be on yourself I don’t want you to take his opinion to heart or for him to make you feel inadequate in any way. He can be mean and you don’t deserve that, H.” She explained.

“Well, thanks to you me being hard on myself has gotten a lot better. And you know, for once in my life I feel confident in who I am. I feel confident in us. I know that I’m enough because you’ve helped me believe it.” He said as his thumb ran over her knuckles and then stopped at her left forefinger as he glanced down at it, “I mean, I’ve felt like I’m ready to start the next chapter with you for a while, but after all of this… seeing you with my family and bringing you into this part of my life, I’ve never been more eager to just…jump.” He said and she glanced up at him and smiled.

“Let’s do it then.” She said quietly and his eyes softened as he took her in, lightly lit up by the moonlight and the lamp post a few feet away.

“Yeah?” He asked and she nodded with a smile.

“Yeah.” She confirmed again and he grabbed her cheeks and leaned down to kiss her slowly.

“I promise I’ll make you so happy, Y/N. We’re gonna have everything together.” He said in between kisses and she smiled against his lips. Their kiss started getting hungrier and deeper and soon they were panting as their heated and desperate bodies pleaded for more, “Wait, wait, wait…” he whispered, “Let’s go somewhere else?” He asked and she nodded. He helped her get her shoes off and then they rushed across the estate through the grass despite the “stay off the lawn” signs posted every couple of hundred feet. 

When they made it to their little bungalow they hurried inside and as soon as the door shut she shrugged his jacket off of her shoulders and they kissed with the ardor that they’d both been suppressing for days now. His hungry lips worshipped and praised her with beautiful words in between kisses and suckles as he worked his way down her neck. Her fingers wove through his beautifully styled hair, disheveling it and tugging at it to draw his lips back to hers where they kissed with a force of love that could create new galaxies. 

Her hands soon started to loosen up his tie as he started to work on the buttons holding his shirt together. And they continued to undress each other with urgency until their clothes were bunched up on the ground and he was carrying her blindly through the dark bungalow. They were laughing into their kiss as they bumped into a couple of things on the way into the bedroom, but soon he had reached the bed and he playfully tossed her onto it before climbing over her body and attaching their lips together once again. 

He hungered for every part of her; the more he had her the more he needed, it never seemed like enough. And when she made a move to sit up, he let her so that she straddled him and ravaged his face with kisses that had him smiling and giggling from the little smooches she was leaving all over his face. They started getting wetter and slower as she reached his jaw and she slowly started working her way down his body. Her impatience in reaching his cock was manifesting itself by her nails digging into his muscular thighs deliciously. She was trying to pace herself as she licked over his nipple and gently sucked before moving to the next one and then proceeding down his sternum, she didn’t forget to leave little smooches on his spare nipples which made him laugh softly and she smiled up at him before kissing each one of his abs along his six pack. He flexed his tummy to make them more prominent for her and she was obsessed with the ability to feel them so well defined as her lips skimmed along his taut and smooth skin. He felt relief wash over him when she finally reached his cock and she moaned as she finally wrapped her smaller fist around him and started to stroke slowly as she started to lean down to get her mouth over him.

“Wanna taste you too.” He said to her and she shifted around so that she was sitting over his face and without any preamble her got her mouth over him and he moaned in delight before he delved into her dripping core. They had been a bit deprived of each other so it was no surprise that their mouths on each other were doin plenty to work them up quickly. He was reeling over the way her tongue was playing with his leaky and sensitive tip. He was having a hard time staying composed as her hands fondled and gently squeezed at his balls, causing him to thrust up into her mouth.

Y/N was also getting lost in the way his mouth worked over her little cunt. Her thighs were squeezing around his head and he was practically in heaven to be overwhelmed by her taste and her sent and her softness like this. He moaned against her as she sunk even lower on his cock, the tip rhythmically meeting with the back of her mouth had his thighs tensing and his toes curling. He was losing focus and he was getting so close so fast.

“Shit, baby.” He mumbled breathily against her sopping crease before pressing a kiss right against her entrance, “I want to come inside you.” He panted as he started getting close, “Fuck! Please let me come inside you.” He pleaded as he felt his balls start to tighten up. He sighed in relief as she lifted her mouth off of him. Harry quickly shifted them so that she was under him again and he started to thrust himself along her folds. She whined when he grabbed his cock and circled his head around her clit, wetting it with his own arousal, helping to smoothen the glide even more. She hissed in pleasure as he started going faster until she was right on the edge of her orgasm. He knew this by her erratic breathing and the restless roaming of her hands along his back. He wanted her to come like this, but he also wanted them to come together, so right before she was about to come he guided his cock down to her entrance and just pushed inside which unexpectedly was her undoing.

“Oh my god!” She gasped in a high pitched tone as her walls started throbbing around his cock and he moaned as his thumb came down to her clit and rubbed as he started to thrust. “Please, don’t stop, baby!” She begged as her back arched up, pushing her chest towards him. He leaned down and took one of her nipples into his mouth, sucking and licking at her as he continued his thrusts into her. 

She was an absolute dream. Harry was sure that everything about her had been created specifically for him. The way she kissed, the way she tasted, the way she touched him, the tone of her voice, the way she said his name, her scent, the softness of her skin…it was just too perfect to be a coincidence. Harry quickly found her lips and kissed her ardently as he started to thrust faster now, loving the way she was meeting his thrusts with undulating hips, ensuring that his tip would drag against her g-spot every time he drew out. “I’m gonna come!” She warned in a whimper.

“Me too, baby. I’m close, wait for me.” He panted and she nodded. Suddenly his pace slowed down drastically which dwindled her build up but he made up for it with long, deep, and hard thrusts that seemingly had him reaching into her stomach. She winced during the first few but soon she adjusted to his new depth and her orgasm slowly started to build again. She could feel a pressure deep within her chest and her core, she already knew this orgasm would be explosive physically, but it would emotionally as well. She clung tighter to him as the emotions just became too great and she started to cry. He was tasting her tears on her lips as she panted how much she loved him and he started to lose it too. He’d never cried during sex before, but it was happening to him now too, he felt like his heart would give out with everything that he was feeling for her. He could literally feel it as his body and mind bonded even more to her. Practically ensuring that they were each others.

“H-harry!” She gasped feebly and he groaned into her mouth as she started to pulsate around him as she started to come undone. Her body was taught as the pleasure transcended the physical, the feeling was everywhere. It was so glorious that her breathing was suspended as the pleasure possessed every cell in her body.

“Oh, Y/N. Fuuuck, baby.” He moaned into her mouth before he tensed up and grunted as he started to spill his load into her. His thrusts continued pushing it deeper and deeper into her and he could feel her start to tremble when he just sank in all the way, holding himself still for a few seconds before his arms just gave out and he rested his entire weight over her. She exhaled slowly beneath him in satisfaction before hugging him and he hummed in gratitude as he kissed her cheek, “M’not crushing you too badly am I?” He questioned, his gravely voice covered her skin in goosebumps and she smiled.

“No.” She assured as she hugged him a bit tighter to assure him that she liked this.

“Mkay…I don’t want to go back.” He huffed tiredly.

“But the cake… and you have to sing 3 songs too.” She reminded and he groaned.

“Right…just a few more minutes then. I’m not ready to end this.” He whispered.

“Mkay baby, just a few more minutes.” She hummed happily.

---- Tag list ----

@jessitpwk @matildasatellite @sunshinemoonsposts @angelbabyyy99 @sunflovverharry @sad-avocado @cherrysulewski @reveriehs @permanentllyharry @justlemmeadoreyou

Let me know if you'd like to be added!

[milfygerard]

I've seen your take on ttpd with many swifites that started feeling alienated after that album came out because they read it in that way so i just wanna throw my interpretation out there: it's not the fans, not really. It's the industry/her team that are the main protagonist masked as love/breakup songs. And my whole thing stems from 15 million tears in it's time to go because it's such a specific number and it's how much her dad made when the label was sold. During what was supposed to be her sparkling summer and they all said nothing but they knew she was on to something.

Disclaimer: I am not trying to villainize anyone, just sharing my as short as possible interpretation track by track which is still long because it's a long album

Quiet treason aka blood's thick but nothing like a payroll, I love you it's ruining my life

I chose this cyclone with you (instead of someone else I love) but devils that you know raise worse hell than an angel

My boy only breaks his favorite toys is giving silent treatment in a toxic relationship followed by kept calm and carried the weight of the rift

Leaving me safe and stranded but in an abandoned ship she's going down in, while dreaming of lunar valleys

I just learned all these people only raise you to cage you and They slammed the door on my whole world the one thing I wanted - living authentically while being in the spotlight imho which is where Matty comes in - it's her saying there are worse things to be than not 100% straight and I'll show you. I'd rather burn my whole life down, I'll tell you something bout my good name, it's mine alone to disgrace I won't cater to you jackals any longer

Fresh out the slammer - rolling the stone away - is her ending the performance in the cage, promising to never do that again even if they call her despicable and crucify her

Now we're post Matty and something didn't work quite right- the scandal was contained and she has no teeth, all bark no bite because all the threats she got behind the scenes that if she stepped out of line it would damage her career were proven right when fans were in uproar over her choice too. She thought she could handle it but she can't "fix" Matty. Something counterfeit is dead, but it's not what the fans think. So now she has to do it with a broken heart. A performance within a performance. A story within a story. How did it end.

Travis is not on the track list except so high school (making it as obvious as possible) because "the sign on your heart said it's STILL reserved for me" so it's someone from her past that keeps coming back, in and out, she's swirled in all her poems and she started out writing epiphany to be about football according to her own words. But this is alchemy, she's trying to force the gold to happen in any way she can, still, after everything, even her latest failure. It feels like freedom each time, but isn't really.

Clara Bow is pretty straightforward Taylor even explained it herself. Even if I die screaming I hope you hear it aka And I still talk to you when I'm screaming at the sky.

Slight side note here "once you fix your face" is something someone that wears makeup does. It's her will they/won't they whose heart is reserved for her. The person in Chloe et al for at least a decade now. Thought I saw you at the bus stop, looking at people's windows in case you're at their table.

The poet trapped inside the body of a finance guy is The Man. Peter is Taylor. And it's not Kim, Taylor is the kid in the song coming home singing a song that only the right people will know it's about them. The one who beat her spirit but she can't say who because they threaten her career that she's worked hard to build. They threaten to constantly pull the rug under her feet and push her down the stairs. But she's made her legacy and is now begging the sky to change her life.

i am mildly if not extremely confused but i think we're swiftgron posting which if so fucking say that shit girl!!!! lets go!!!!

I do think the industry and the people around her including her family are a part of that story (especially on waolom) but i think pinning it entirely on them is allowing us/the construction of fandom and fan relationships too much off the hook. We are such a massive part of her life and are also the reason she has to do all this hiding and repression and apologizing and pr work and even if its not something we do directly or directly our fault, the audience is still culpable and a very real and valid target specifically within the live performance which is the closest she can get these days to communicating to us directly now that she's finally actually built some boundaries. I do like your reading of ttpd being a metaphor for the last 5ish years of her career as a sort of continuation of the fictionalization of folklore.

[for-yoongi0309]

SUGA IS A VOICE OF AUTHENTICITY IN A SUPERFICIAL WORLD

VOGUE JAPAN’s first ever solo male cover star SUGA opens up about mindfulness, procrastination, and how his relationship with music has changed.

For VOGUE JAPAN’s August issue, our theme is “INNER BEAUTY”; in other words, searching beyond the surface to see what really drives our dreams and desires. What better icon to represent this than SUGA? By navigating an industry obsessed with the superficial, the megastar is a voice of depth and authenticity, fearlessly candid about the internal struggles he’s faced, and the expectations he carries as one of Asia’s most successful artists. SUGA is also the first man to appear solo on the cover of VOGUE JAPAN in its 24 year history. Wearing Valentino’s Fall/Winter 2023 Black Tie collection, the South Korean artist is a celebration of a world where the connections between gender, fashion, and music are increasingly intertwined.

When it comes to music, SUGA is a true multi-hyphenate. A member of BTS, a rapper, a songwriter, and a producer for various global artists, he also performs solo under the stage name Agust D. His solo moniker is derived from SUGA spelled backwards, with the D referring to Daegu Town, a city in South Korea where he grew up.

In a Q&A with VOGUE JAPAN, before his Japan tour which was held on the 2nd-4th June, we asked SUGA about his first solo world tour, his solo album ‘D-DAY’, and what he does to stay motivated when it all feels like too much. He also opened up about how his approach to making music has changed over the years, offering his answer on a personal handwritten note. It reads: “At first I thought it was fate. Then, when I was writing songs and working, I thought of it as a kind of frenemy. Now I’ve come to think of writing music as family – something that I will spend eternity with.”

The culmination of a trilogy – The latest album D-DAY

Q: What’s the meaning behind the album ‘D-DAY’?

Solo Album ‘D-DAY’ completes the Agust D trilogy (the Agust D mixtape from 2016, and the D-2 mixtape from 2020). It’s like the second chapter of my story as Min Yunki.

Q: The title track "Haegeum" is about liberation. What does liberation mean to you?

I think I have experienced, seen, and heard a lot [in my life]. Just as essential as relaxing, I think the most important thing in life is to liberate your mind so that it’s free of negative emotions. I felt that way especially while working on this album.

Q: You featured RM on the last album "D-2" and this time you’re featuring J-HOPE. How did the collaboration come about behind the scenes?

We needed a rapper to feature on this album as well, so we looked for the most trustworthy rapper we could find. I’ve been working with J-HOPE on making music for over 10 years, and so we decided to entrust it to him

Q: You also collaborated with Ryuichi Sakamoto and met him when you visited Japan.

He had been doing music for such a long time, and was someone I hugely admired and looked up to, so it was an honor just to meet him. He gave me a lot of advice as a mentor, and the conversations we had together were a great help in finishing the album

Q: You experimented with drill music on D-DAY. Are there any particular sounds you would like to take on in the future?

As people involved in pop music, I think it’s our job to challenge ourselves to seek out the trendiest music and sound of the moment.

Q: I heard that you were stuck working on D-DAY in Seoul, so you went to Dangjin City by yourself and spent some time up in the mountains. How did that help?

When I’m in Seoul there are so many things to do, and so when I get stuck working on a song I tend to procrastinate and beat myself up about it. But when I go somewhere else, there’s nothing to do except working on the music, and I can start to feel the passion again.

Q: In the documentary film SUGA: Road to D-DAY, you visited musicians such as Steve Aoki, Halsey, and Anderson Paak. What did you learn from these experiences?

It's interesting to talk about music with other people who are involved in it too. More so than realizing and learning something, it’s really just about talking and having a good time together.

Q: You mentioned in the documentary that you wrote the song ‘Snooze’ for this album while you were in the hospital. What motivates you to continue writing songs to cheer people up, even when you were in a situation that you couldn’t even eat?

Of course, it’s important to take a break when times are tough. But I just did what I had to do, thinking that it would be a waste to take a break, because I knew I would recover eventually. I think anyone else would do the same if they were in a similar situation.

Q: In the FAQ for the BTS anthology album "Proof," you mentioned feeling inferior as the most important emotion. Have your feelings changed now that you have completed this album, which marks the end of your career as Agust D?

I feel that I have grown even more through the Agust D Trilogy, and I think I have overcome my complexes and traumas through making this album. Now, I’m feeling relaxed after my first show, and enjoying the tour without worrying too much.

Long-awaited first solo world tour – The message behind the music

Q: In the past, you have worked on songs during your world tours. Are there any new songs that have been created?

I wouldn’t say I write more songs during any specific time. I’m always writing songs.

Q: The documentary SUGA: Road to D-DAY showed you when you were in a slump, saying that you had no message to convey with the album. Did you come up with a message as you went around the country on tour?

When working on the production [of an album], I always worry about what kind of story I’m telling and what kind of messages to include and so when have a story I want to tell, I immediately start working on it. While working on this album, the words I wanted to convey started to come to me, and I’m sure they’ll keep coming.

Q: What are you looking forward to seeing in Japan?

Our last tour in Japan was in 2019. I wanted to perform there after that too, but it wasn't possible, so this will be the first time for a while. I hope that everyone who has been waiting for me there will be able to enjoy the show to its fullest.

Music and career – Relationship with the members

Q: It has been about 20 years since you began your career and started writing rap songs. How has your relationship with the music changed over that time?

At first I thought it was fate [for me to make music]. Then, when I was writing songs and working, I thought of it as a kind of frenemy. Now I’ve come to think of writing music as family – something that I will spend eternity with.

Q: Is there a moment in your career that was a turning point?

The biggest turning point for me was my first visit to the Billboard Awards in 2017

Q: This June marks a full 10 years since your debut as BTS. What feeling defines that decade for you?

Gratitude. I have been working as an artist and making music since before my debut, but back then I was one of those nameless artists who made music that no one would listen to. Now, I’ve been able to meet my fans and see many people that listen to my music. I am always grateful for that.

Q: What are your fondest memories of the past 10 years? What were the most enjoyable moments?

I have a lot of good memories of touring with the BTS members. The most enjoyable moments are when we’re all on stage.

Q: You often say that you “imagine a future where the seven members of BTS will be together forever”.

We really believe that the seven of us in BTS will always be together, and I believe there are clear things we can do in each of our respective areas. Each one of us has their own unique sphere, and there’s a mutual respect there. I think having that respect is the most important thing.

Q: In an interview with GQ KOREA two years ago, you said, “I have no dreams now, but that makes it easier.” Then, in the documentary, you said, “There is nothing I want to do”. You also said that you want to cherish the present. What is your next “dream”?

Apart from the seven of us making music together and being on stage for a long time to come, I think I have fulfilled almost all of my dreams.

Q: What is something you would like to tell your juniors, or the people that look up to you?

Everything will be fine. There will be times when you feel at your worst. I’ve had that kind of time too. But when you look back at it, it becomes a memory, and you can learn from it. It’ll be okay in the end.

The inseparable mind and body – Dealing with internal struggles

Q: How did you arrive at the idea that regret is in the past, anxiety is in the future, and to focus on the here and now? Do you practice mindfulness?

From a very young age, I was anxious about both the past and the future. I was worried and concerned even though I had no control over it. At one point I felt that it would be easier if I just got rid of those feelings, so I did a lot of things, like meditating and studying.

Q: We live in a world that places a lot of importance on remaining authentic. What kind of person do you think is an authentic person?

A natural person. Someone who doesn't struggle to do everything well, who doesn't hide the things they can’t do, and who shows their true self to the world.

Q: How do you feel about your own mind/body connection?

When my mental condition is not so good or when I’m worried about something, my body reacts to it immediately, even if I’m physically fine. On the other hand, if I’m not in a good physical condition, it also affects my mental health. So I think it’s important to maintain a balance between mental and physical health.

Off-stage SUGA – The real Min Yunki

Q: If you were to describe your personality in three words, what would they be?

Hmmm... that's difficult. 1, hard to figure out. 2, calm. 3, an observer.

Q: In the SUGA: Road to D-Day documentary, you visited friends all over the world. In ‘Dear My Friends’ from the last D-2 record, you sang about friendships that have changed. How have your friendships changed this time around?

All of my close friends now are people who doesn’t force others to be or to do something they don’t wish to. I think that kind of relationship is the ideal.

Q: What kind of people do you find attractive?

People who are spontaneous and positive.

Q: How would you describe your style?

Relaxed.

Q: You have such clear skin – what’s your beauty routine?

I don't have a routine. I simply apply lotion and that’s it.

Q: Finally, what does ARMY [BTS’s fandom name] mean to you?

I enjoy making music and performing on stage, but I’m only able to do that because of my fans. There is no point in standing alone on a big stage. Half of everything I’m able to do is possible because of ARMY.

© ASHLEY OGAWA CLARKE、EMI KAMEOKA、YUI SUGIYAMA、MASAYO UGAWA

Styling: Youngjin Kim, Bongkyu Kim

Clothes + accessories: VALENTINO

Hair: Sohee Han　

Makeup: Dareum Kim　

Set Design: Takashi Imayosh

Coordination: Ayumi Shinnai, Hyeonjeong Kyung　

Art Direction: Tomoyuki Yonezu

[coffincoitus]

will be curious to hear what you thought of longlegs!

just finished it :) I thought it was so fun and gorgeous!!! there were some parts about the investigation that were a little awkward/not super authentic imo, but it's ostensibly Not a movie about criminal investigation procedure, so it's not really a fault. I absolutely loved the characterization of long legs and the actor's performance – so dramatic in the creepiest worst way possible!

I'm not super sure if the movie was meant to make a Particular psychological argument or if the point was more generic disturbing violence, but the whole time my brain was drawing connections between the dolls and child abuse? that scene where the little girl unveils the doll's face and you can see the parents' reactions behind her was so interesting... the mother looked slightly alarmed and the father covered his face in shame? something about the things the surviving girl said to lee at the hospital were telling too, how she called lee a "slutty little angel" (or something of the sort). also how the dolls are repeatedly referred to as a way for the little girls to "forget" really evokes traumatic repression: a doll that looks just like little lee takes away her memories so that lee can live and grow up.

makes you wonder about the significance of lee not having a father. she's the only girl who didn't have a father and the only one who made it into adulthood. she's also the only one whose mother agreed to kill for long legs to spare the daughter, but the absence of the father could be a direct connection to that... when lee gets to carter's house and the family is under the doll's influence, the girl's mom is like, artificially oblivious and unable to speak her mind? again, it brings to mind a family housing child abuse.

I was a bit confused as to why lee's mom said don't call me mom in the end. I mean, yeah, she was corrupted by The Devil, I guess, but what was the symbolic significance of the mother no longer being the mother... I just think it'd have been more interesting if the "monster" had remained the mother all the time.

overall a very attractive and pretty movie to look at!! I like how at no point it's explained what or why long legs is. I mean, we got a name, but nothing that explains his actions. or how he's connected to "mr downstairs".

I did think the ending with lee saving the girl and killing her very very bad purely evil not-mother was a bit corny, but oh well. that's hollywood !

[lunarslauren]

My 7th ARMY Anniversary

Today is my 7th ARMY anniversary!

I became an ARMY on May 23, 2017, and have officially been an ARMY for 7 years. I was 16 then and now I'm 23. It feels like time flew, yet it also feels so long ago.

To celebrate I will write about some of my favorite songs and moments:

1. Favorite BTS song?

I love Film out! Lyrically it means so much to me. It's up there with Yet to Come and Life Goes On regarding its meaning and what I personally get from it. Also, BTS' vocals are amazing, and the song is my vibe sonically. I love the simple yet artistic music video as well.

2. Favorite BTS performance?

All of their performances are amazing, so my pick isn't necessarily more amazing than any other they've done, but no one can deny that Mic Drop is amazing, and this live version is my favorite. Nothing beats a live band version.

3. Favorite BTS album?

I have a connection to all of their albums, but Wings is without a doubt my favorite. From top to bottom, its sound and lyrics are full and impactful. I love that it shows the talent of BTS as a group and as solo artists. It starts with a questioning of the self and ends with BTS' connection to each other and ARMY. In between it showcases the personal feelings of each member, and I can relate to each song in different ways. Overall, it's the BTS album and it has no skips!

4. Favorite BTS cover?

Without a doubt, Fix You. As a child, Coldplay was my first introduction to music and spearheaded my love for music. Hearing my favorite artists cover one of their songs so beautifully (as they always do) makes me speechless. 10/10.

5. An unforgettable moment?

My most unforgettable moment was probably when I became an ARMY. (Yes, I went to the Love Yourself: Tour, but in all of the excitement it's a blur in my memories.)

I remember hearing Ma City for the first time in 2015 on Spotify's radio system, but it wasn't until 2017 that I saw the artists behind the song. As a music lover, I was watching the 2017 BBMAs when I saw them getting their first award. I immediately fell in love with how authentic and grateful they were. Joon caught my eye, and soon I was falling down the rabbit hole. It wasn't long before I officially declared myself an ARMY, made an ARMYs Animo, joined ARMY Twitter, got my first bias (Jin), participated in voting for MAMA, streamed, binge-watched all of Run! BTS, their YouTube content, etc., and eventually experienced my first comeback with Love Yourself: Her. Soon after I got my first of many birthday albums and got solidified by getting my ARMY Bomb.

So, my most unforgettable moments are every time I was at my lowest and BTS helped me smile and made me feel like I wasn't walking alone.

Shifting gears a bit, let's focus on the art they've done recently:

6. Favorite Joon song?

In the same vein as Film out, the sound and lyrics of everythingoes are my favorite. I am a person who struggles to let things go, so this song helps me remember the importance of change. Sonically, this song feels like dancing on a cloud as it rains.

7. Favorite Joon album?

Right Place, Wrong Person comes out very soon, so I'm sure it very well could become my favorite since the word on the street is it's in the alternative genre (my favorite). However, my current favorite Joon album is mono. The album came out when I was one month away from turning 18, stumbling through my first semester of college, and failing said semester. It was October when it came out, and with the rainy nights spent waiting to be picked up from night class, I would blast mono. in my earphones and feel as if I wasn't alone with those heavy feelings. mono. will forever be one of the most personal albums for me. 

8. Favorite Jin song?

Jin, my first bias and fellow Sagitarrius. I see myself in his words of living for the joys in life, and I hope he doesn't struggle with the same moderation issues I do. That being said, my favorite song of his is The Astronaut. As I said, Coldplay means a lot to me, just as they do to Jin, so I'm grateful that Jin collaborated with them. The song is the perfect combination of Jin and Coldplay and the lyrics are perfect as well. Sonically it's uplifting and every time I hear it it makes me remember why music was my first love all over again. Jin's vocals are so beautiful. Also, I have always loved space. It just feels like this song is an example of why I love and connect with Jin as an artist and a person.

9. Favorite Yoongi song?

This is hard. D-Day is my favorite because it's a song that is hype in all of the best ways. Snooze is my favorite sonically as well as lyrically, but there's also Moonlight, People and Life Goes On. My true favorite, however, is Interlude : Set me free. It's up there with Film out, everythingoes, etc. as songs I will always have on my playlist. The vibe of the song is unmatched and lyrically it is so impactful and emotional for me. It makes me want to set myself free. Also, the instrumentals... 

10. Favorite Yoongi album?

I probably played D-2 too much when it came out, but nothing can beat the absolute BANGERS that are on D-DAY. Banger, after banger, after bop, after lyrical legendary, after VOCALS, etc. Listening to D-DAY feels like liberation from the self. 

11. Favorite Hobi song?

Arson. While I have always loved Hope World, and more recently Equal Sign, MORE, STOP, and NEURON; Arson was and still is so different and amazing every time I hear it. However, that isn't to say Hobi has any skips (he doesn't). Sonically, Hobi's vocals have always captivated me and lyrically I think he's truly my favorite writer in BTS. Arson has a chill yet dark vibe that I enjoy and the lyrics are twisted poetry. All I need now is the live and remix ver. on Spotify and I'll be happy. 

12. Favorite Hobi album?

Hobi never misses, all of his albums are amazing, but Jack In The Box (HOPE Edition) is my favorite. Firstly, Hobi's vinyl is my favorite BTS album I own, and his Hope Editon CD album is by far my favorite concept he's ever done. The whole storyline the album goes through is so well done and I love how (at the time) surprisingly Hobi the album is. He truly crafted each song with love and care. Also, special shoutout to some live versions of the songs included. (More please). 

13. Favorite Jimin song?

I love Alone so much. It is completely my vibe. Everything from the dark vocals to the mixing is great. I love the sad yet hopeful lyrics as well. It's one of those songs I always have on my playlist.

14. Favorite Tae song?

The entire Layover EP is such a vibe, but I have always loved Tae's song Winter Bear. It reminds me a bit of some of Coldplay's older songs and Tae's vocals in it are so beautifully understated. The instrumentals in the song are so relaxing as well. 

15. Favorite JK song?

In My You, JK writes and sings such beautiful words, and the instrumentals are so whimsical. However, my true favorite JK song is Shot Glass of Tears. As a person who has a rocky relationship with alcohol and those who overconsume it, listening to this song is like a beautiful sonic therapy. JK's vocals are perhaps my favorite I've ever heard from him, and the instruments of the song are so emotional.

If you read all of this, thank you. I have enjoyed my journey with BTS and I know I will continue to enjoy their art that inspires and heals me for many years to come.

[peppymint1986]

MadaTobi Week Day One: Magic and Marriage

Adventitious

Uchiha Madara, known in some circles as the Calamity, took a moment to reflect upon how he had ended up in this situation.  The answer was of course a group of meddling elders who were incapable of minding their own business.  It had started with subtle, and some not so subtle hints about settling down and had quickly escalated.  

Soon he couldn’t turn around without one of the old fussbudgets droning on about his duty to the clan and that it was time and past he wed and produced an heir.  The whole concept was ridiculous.  He was only twenty-six.  There was still plenty of time.  

Unfortunately that argument had not worked on the elders at all.  Nor had the one about him being busy.  The only debate where he had won any ground had been on avoiding an arranged marriage.  Uchiha, by and large, married for love.  The clan would have been up in arms if the elder’s council had tried to force the issue.  

Izuna had been no help at all.  Oh his brother was happy enough to flirt with anyone who was appropriately strong,  Likewise the other spent a not inconsiderate amount of time engaging in activities Madara did not want to envision his baby brother participating in.  But commitment?  Not a chance.  

He almost wished Izuna was less responsible with his liaisons.  A child out of wedlock would not be the end of the world.  In such a scenario Madara could easily arrange for the babe to be brought into the main house.  It would probably even get the council off his back for awhile.  Alas, it was not to be.  

In an act of desperation Madara had even tried claiming he preferred men.  It was true, mostly.  It was at this point one of the wrinkled bastards had whipped out an authentic Uzumaki grimoire all about fertility spells and sex magic declaring a male spouse would be no issue.  How Yoshito had managed to get his hands on the thing, Madara had no idea, but he had.  

Even worse, another of the elder’s had thoughtfully put forth the idea of performing the Ritual of Harmony.  It would, he claimed, provide Madara with a compatible spouse.  Love, the elder had piously exclaimed, would come with time.  

The Ritual itself had been around for centuries.  And while it was true it would bring forth a compatible match, resulting in some truly cloying love stories, it was rarely used.  Most people just were not that enthusiastic about marrying a complete stranger they knew nothing about.  Especially given that seperation was not an option.  Once a pair was bound, they were bound for life.  There were likewise a number of horror stories about attempts by third parties to circumvent or break the bond.  Such attempts never ended well.  

So here he was, barely a month after the suggestion had been broached, wearing a sober formal kimono and waiting for his bride.  Madara tried one last time to think of a way out of this, but failed.  It was also, he reflected as the priestess finished, too late anyways.  The painted ritual lines pulsed once, twice, before condensing in a ball of light which shown like the sun for a brief moment before fading to leave a figure behind.  

Madara’s breath caught in his throat.  Pale silvery white hair, crimson eyes, the man was unmistakable.  Senju Tobirama.  Madara almost panicked before common sense reasserted itself.  He had already consented but all the Senju had to do to get out of this was . . .

“I accept.”

As the bond snapped into place Madara could only stare.  What?  What?!

While Tobirama had initially been shocked, it had barely taken him an instant to grasp the situation.  This morning, he would have never even considered marrying Uchiha Madara.  But if the Ritual of Harmony had brought them together there was clearly more to the other man than he had ever considered.   And of course, there were other factors.

“You,” Madara still had not quite regained the use of his tongue.  

“I will of course expect you to make peace with my kin.”

Madara stared stunned.  Tobirama was his husband.  Hashirama was his brother-in-law.  This changed everything.  It was at this point that one of the elder’s knelled over with a groan, clutching his chest; immediately sending the rest into a tizzy.  

Too bad, Madara thought dispassionately as the elder was rushed off.  In his mind, the other had brought it upon himself.  Looking back at his new spouse, he almost smiled.  Maybe this marriage thing would not be so bad after all.  

[mightybee113]

Raychell x Kikuta Daisuke (Elements garden) for Real sound [2022/10/21]

~ Raychell (RAISE A SUILEN) x Kikuta Daisuke (Elements Garden) talk about the process to achieve the unique “RAS sound” in BanDori!’s history ~

Born as the backup band for Pastel*Palettes, Hello, Happy World! and Afterglow in the BanDori! Project, THE THIRD (temp.) made their debut. Starting from July 17, 2018, the band re-started their activities under the name of RAISE A SUILEN. Differently from the previous band that had many inexperienced players, the band includes Raychell (Vo/Ba) who had been working as a solo singer, Natsume (Dr) who showcased her talents in bands such as SHAZNA, experienced instrumentalists Kurachi Reo (Key) and Kohara Riko (Gt) and Tsumugi Risa (DJ/Rap) who attended an International School and is proficient in English. Amongst BanDori, the band has showcased their authentic style from the beginning. 

Once they step onto the stage, their musicianship brings a splendid soundscape that overwhelms all who watch, blending Electronic Dance Music with Rock, making an aggressive sound alongside powerful lyrics. In recent years, they have been showing up regularly in Rock Festivals, and thus making their name be known in places outside of BanDori 

And the ones responsible for making their music is the composition team that takes care of BanDori!’s music as a whole, Elements Garden. This time, we bring a conversation between Raychell and composer Kikuta Daisuke who has experience with many familiar RAS songs, such as R·I·O·T (Arranger) and EXPOSE 'Burn out!!!' (Arranger and composer). We look back on RAISE A SUILEN’s steps, focusing on the key points of their songs and live performances.

-------------------

ーKikuta-san, you have been involved in the making and arrangement of RAISE A SUILEN’s (RAS) music from the beginning. What was the direction you had in mind at the very start?

Kikuta: Back in the beginning, Agematsu (Agematsu Noriyasu, head of Elements Garden) told me that there was going to be a new real life band with a different sound from anything that BanDori! had so far. So, we went for a theme that mixed EDM, electronicore and loud rock. We wanted RAS to have electronic sounds as its main core, different from Roselia’s grand and elegant sound. Although I had experience with EDM, I had never worked with electronicore before and putting these two components together proved to be quite a challenge.

Raychell: So that’s how it all began!

Kikuta: Yes! I had problems in many parts and I received plenty of advice from some people at Bushiroad as well, so it was a lot of trial and error. I believe our team had an overall road map already charted but, at the time we made RAS’ debut song, “R･I･O･T”, RAS hadn’t had any live performances yet, so I remember we had to think about their whole band image from nothing.

ー When compared to the other real life bands, the EDM and loud rock sound is certainly a strong element. This big difference gives them quite a strong personality, doesn’t it?

Kikuta: I believe that none of the other bands would be able to achieve such an aggressive sound.

Raychell: I see. I have never heard about any of this before! This is all so fascinating. 

Kikuta: We’ve met in the recording studio before but this is the first time we have a conversation like this so this is also a new experience to me!

ー RAS had a different start as well. Differently from the other bands, they had the real life band established before the characters, giving them a unique origin. Can you say that they were able to showcase more and more things as they had more performances?

Kikuta:  The band started off as a backing band, called THE THIRD (temp.), and that’s where the name RAISE A SUILEN comes from.

Raychell: It means to “Raise the curtains”, to stand in the main stage.

Kikuta: Yes, it means that they came from behind the scenes to the main stage. They truly are people with a lot of experience and incredible skills. Because they can be more technical in their performances, they’re able to showcase overwhelming power, which is a completely different presentation from the other bands.

ー So, when the songs are made, do you keep this difference in mind?

Kikuta: Back when I heard the song’s melody I thought I had to use Raychell-san’s singing skills the best I could and that really broadened my horizons. She’s able to express a huge variety of things when singing and once we understood that, we started having some wild ideas. (Laugh)

Raychell: (Laugh)

Kikuta: When we make RAS songs, our expectations are always like “Well since this is Raychell-san, let’s do it like this!” 

Raychell: Ah, not at all~

Kikuta: We have complete faith in you! 

Raychell: Thank you so much. On that note, were there any moments where you thought “Ah, I should make a song this way-!” when watching our performances?

Kikuta: I made “EXPOSE ‘Burn out!!!’” right after THE THIRD (temp.)’s 2nd LIVE at Akasaka (Mynavi BLITZ AKASAKA). This show marked the addition of Tsumugi-san in the group as well as the start of them as RAISE A SUILEN officially. I asked to be in charge of the composition and arrangement of “A DECLARATION OF XXX”’s coupling track and just before hearing the recording of “A DECLARATION OF XXX”, I found out that she was fluent in English, so I thought it was a waste to have her only as the DJ.

Raychell: I see! 

Kikuta: Back then, I was worried people would say that the band was “only good at performing”. I wanted them to have a little bit more on the entertainment side and Tsumugi-san joined at the perfect timing. I trusted that she could sing, so I thought that perhaps an energetic and carefree performance in English would be interesting. I saw the future in that. I fully believed this would make the band a lot stronger, so I added that rap section. I suppose I could experiment and have more freedom on this song than on the main track.

Raychell: And because of that, we have the RAS signature style today. Thank you so much for wanting to see that girl rap (Laugh). Maybe you saw Riko-chan, Reo-chan and Risa’s performance of Hello, Happy World!'s “Worldwide Treasure!” at our show and that image of her rapping got stuck with you.

Kikuta: Yes, maybe I did watch that performance! Well, there are songs where Tsumugi-san doesn't sing as well as songs where she sings alongside Raychell-san, like their “BRING IT ON” (GigaP) cover, so I suppose you can say our range of possibilities became larger. Also, I don't think settling down as only the DJ goes with her personality either, so I'm glad she gets to sing.

ーRaychell-san, Kikuta-san, do you have any songs that you are especially attached to?

Raychell: Ah, there's a lot of them! Actually, I remember every single thing I've felt during recording. Well, for our debut song, “R･I･O･T”, I remember thinking about controlling the lows and highs because that would change how my voice sounded completely. So, I wondered which voice LAYER would have and after I listened to the finished product I thought, “Ah, so this is how LAYER sounds” for the first time ever.

Kikuta: Oh yes, back when we recorded “R･I･O･T”, your type of voice wasn’t fully concrete yet. But, as you performed more and more and received feedback, LAYER’s voice was perfected. Prior to RAS, the band visuals and characters were announced beforehand and their music would fit that. But, this time, they took the very opposite direction, with the real life band serving as inspiration for the completion of the character’s visuals.

Raychell: Thinking about it now, I think “R･I･O･T” was where I was the most nervous. Ah, Natsume was right in front of me when we recorded “EXPOSE 'Burn out!!!’”. I remember that she asked me if she could listen to the recording and so, she stayed there. Ah, that’s a very fun memory. (Laugh)

Kikuta: Raychell-san is really good at reacting. For example, when she performed “A DECLARATION OF XXX” live, she suddenly added an ad-lib in the song’s interlude! Ah, she did that in “Invincible Fighter” as well, I think. 

Raychell: That’s right! And I’ve also added things of my own accord in recordings as well. (Laugh)

Kikuta: Ah, don’t worry about it! I think your reacting and arranging skills are amazing. Besides, we are very grateful for you showing us the way you sing these songs.

Raychell: I add an ad-lib at the end of “EXPOSE 'Burn out!!!'” and then I usually add some more things too.

Kikuta: I think RAS is wonderful for transforming the songs in live performances like that. To me, adding those ad-libs at the last chorus in UNSTOPPABLE was the right decision too. 

Raychell: Really? I’m glad! I also change the last chorus in R･I･O･T. (Laugh)

Kikuta: The audience has things that they want to hear live. This fever together with the show’s atmosphere increases the amount of these arrangements that truly express the group and I believe that’s a good thing.

Raychell: Originally, I didn't sing Anime songs or Rock songs at all, so, for RAS songs, I had to train myself and think about the issues that I had to solve every time. 

Kikuta: You used to sing R&B originally as a solo singer right? 

Raychell: That’s right. I was mainly focused on ballads.

Kikuta: I see. I think that you’re able to handle songs from many styles easily because of this solid foundation that you’ve built up until now.

ーKikuta-san, how do you feel about the growth in their performances?

Kikuta: The overall band is growing each and every day in my opinion. I had never been worried about them as performers but I do feel like their smiles during the sets have increased. I guess you could say that they’re able to control things in a better way because they can be so flexible in their performances. They have each found their own role and they have a lot of respect towards one another. Seeing that sense of respect come together makes me think that they have become a really good band.

Raychell: Our connection really transformed because of the characters and their stories. The animations from both the Anime and MVs served as a big reference for our own movements as well. 

Kikuta: For RAS, having the Anime so close to the real band’s own steps made for something very fresh in the franchise. Being able to revisit the things that we’ve already seen but in animation form is something really interesting that only they can do.

Raychell: All the shows we had at our beginning were able to be imported to the Anime.

Kikuta: This is nothing other than a new and exciting way of media mixing!

ーAs the venue sizes were gradually increasing, it influenced the way you all faced each show, correct?

Raychell: That’s right. Before getting up on stage, I always carry the feeling of wanting to have a battle. Up until our show in Akasaka (THE THIRD (temp.)’s 2nd LIVE), I didn’t really stir up the audience, but ever since RAS received our name, I’ve been working hard to get them worked up!

Kikuta: It was just an ordinary stir up in the beginning.

Raychell: And now, I go like “Y’all! You better let your heads fly-!!”. (Laugh)

Kikuta: But, I think that’s exactly what makes RAS unique in BanDori. I don’t think any of the other bands can have the same aggressive, or rather, mischievous feeling. I believe this sort of instigation is loved by Rock fans and I also think that it’s something that the audience looks for. In things like professional wrestling, it’s necessary to have a “bad guy” or “anti-hero” role and RAS takes that position in BanDori.

Raychell: RAS’ creator, Ayana Yuniko-sensei has said that RAS takes that “bad guy” role as well.

Kikuta: Because that bad guy exists, Poppin’Party and Roselia can shine brighter. No band other than RAS can make that happen. I also think that RAS lyrics are things that can’t be sung by any other band as well.  

Raychell: Every time I talk to other cast members, they always say “RAS lyrics are so difficult, aren’t they~?” (Laugh). There’s always a lot of really strong wording to showcase RAS’ blazing fight spirit.

Kikuta: CHU²’s words always stir things up and I think that gives the band a really nice balance.

ーAlthough it’s a bit lawless, things are never really too bad, right?

Kikuta: That’s right! I think that’s thanks to Natsume-san and Raychell-san. If everyone acted like CHU², the whole band would be chaos, wouldn’t it? (laugh). Still, she makes the band stand out and all the other characters have their own charm as well.

Raychell: The balance between all 5 members of RAS is really nice, isn’t it?

Kikuta: They’re like a squad! I think that’s really nice and suited for a band.

ー I see! Raychell-san, are there any songs outside of RAS that make you think “I wish I could sing this!” or “I wonder how this would sound in my voice”?

Raychell: Back when we were THE THIRD (temp.) and also in our early days, we used to perform songs from other bands, like “That is How I Roll!” from Afterglow-san!

Kikuta: Although the collaborations with guests left a big impression, that’s how things were in the beginning.

Raychell: Well, now we have more original songs so we hardly ever do these covers anymore, but there are still songs that I want to sing. Afterglow-san’s songs are always fun to cover. Some songs from Glitter*Green-san, Pastel*Palettes-san and Hello, Happy World!-san makes me think “Ah, I would bring this out for this song!”.  We’ve had joint concerts with Roselia-san and Morfonica-san where we played together but there still hasn’t been one with PoPiPa-san, right? 

Kikuta: That’s true, you haven’t had a joint concert yet.

Raychell: That’s why I’m really excited to face them next February in BanG Dream! 11th☆LIVE! I really love Double Rainbow!

Kikuta: Wait, are you saying that because it’s my song? (Laugh)

Raychell: No, no! (Laugh). I found out that you wrote this song today! I was so surprised! How can you write these girl-like melodies, Kikuta-san?

Kikuta: This is part of my everyday job. I have to make songs in many different genres, coming from RAS-ish Loud Rock to Pastel*Palettes-ish cutesy songs.

Raychell: I like Pep meets Step from Pastel*Palettes-san, and I also love Kyouen Red×Violet from Roselia-san and Afterglow-san!

Kikuta: Ah, this song really has that battle energy.

Raychell: Isn’t this song something that I would sing? (Laugh)

Kikuta: It is! On that note, I don’t think I can imagine you singing PoPiPa songs.

Raychell: I guess that’s true! But, I love singing them on Karaoke! (Laugh)

Kikuta: I want to hear that someday! Well, now that I think about it, Aimi-san has a very distinct voice, doesn’t she? Since her voice has a unique charm to it, I can’t really imagine someone other than her singing PoPiPa songs.

[...]

ーYour dreams reach far and wide, don’t they?

Kikuta: […] To me, RAS’ number 1 goal is to go abroad. They do have some popularity already but I think it would be nice if they were more popular abroad as well.

Raychell: There are many foreign RAS fans on social media! I always receive comments! Especially fans from other parts of Asia. I receive many messages saying things like “I can’t really attend any shows but I’ll always support you!”. 

Kikuta: They have been to many festivals in the country as well. RAS really left their mark in many places, right? RAS was trending in social media when they performed at SUMMER SONIC 2022 this year so I think many people got to know them in these spaces.

Raychell: There’s a line from R･I･O･T that says “(Our sound) will take over the world”. This phrase represents our main goal. We’ll work even harder towards that goal!

Interview by 西廣智一

Translation by @mightybee113

Source

[idolpyre]

⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ THE IDOL .

⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀one night they're serenading a stadium full of fans, and the next morning their hotel room is filled with nothing but blood and carnage. it's incredible how quickly it can all slip out of your control, how all of it can fall away like dominoes. the authorities never truly found out what happened behind the closed doors of no spin's hotel room, the four younger members slaughtered like sacrificial lambs while their leader had purely just up and vanished. the most widely accepted theory was that minjun had been the one that killed them and fled the scene — but that still led questions to where exactly had he gone ? how had he just disappeared into thin air ? it was almost like he'd fallen off the face of the earth.

⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀there is truth in this statement — for after the sacrifice of his members, minjun had been plucked from the entity to do her bidding in an eternal game of cat and mouse in the fog. THE IDOL is a close range killer wielding a SWORD featured in no spin's CUT THRU U performance — once believed to be a stage prop until swung at a survivor to prove it's authenticity.

★ HEX: DEAR LEADER — a hex rooting itself in leadership. hex: dear leader takes effect when the first survivor is injured in a trial, and anybody who tries to heal the survivor will face cursed skill checks. cursed skill checks are dark red and hinder progression, and failing these skill checks will expose both survivors for 15 / 20 / 25 seconds. the injured survivor cannot heal themselves by any means, and is the only one capable of cleansing this totem.

★ TINNITUS — performing for roaring crowds without your in - ears has caused almost irreparable damage, leaving you on the harder side of hearing. when a survivor stuns or blinds you, their audio is muted for 6 / 7 / 8 seconds.

★ SASAENG — you always were intrigued by those fans and what they were willing to endure to get close to you. as long as the obsession is hooked, all other survivors in the trial suffer the broken status effect until the obsession is saved.

[septembersghost]

I think people's reaction to beyonce not winning Grammys vs Austin not winning Oscar's is so interesting. Like they were both expected to win in that respective category. But when beyonce lost people were acting like someone killed her yet when aus lost they turned him into a meme and made fun of him. It proves that stan twitter needs someone to either hate or worship.

Also the reactions to Brendan winning vs harry winning also interesting. Harry had the most popular album and single yet was uNdEsErViNg. Meanwhile while everyone agrees it wasn't BF's best performance or best performance from last year they are glad he won because 'they like him'.

(I don't hate either B's. Just pointing out hypocrisy)

i have so many thoughts on this and i am extremely exhausted/sifting through brain fog, so i probably won't be able to articulate it well, but the core issue here has very little to do with bey or brendan (all due respect to both), and everything to do with the extremely cruel and entirely unfounded, nonsensical hatred directed at harry and austin. which have some very clear, awful parallels that I Do Not Understand.

(side note: there was a lot of, from what i've seen, warranted, criticism and discomfort with that movie, but the support there was just because...brendan's (deservedly) well-liked? he's a lovely man and should've been treated better before?! and it bothers me because that's then not about the quality of the performance, it's about completely outside metrics. this issue could similarly be applied to jamie lee's win. they are both fantastic, they both certainly are worth recognition, but they were in some respects given de facto lifetime achievement awards rather than the merit of each performance being assessed and awarded accordingly. a lot of the oscars are political and personal where they should not be, but i digress.

also curious and sad how we only seem to learn we should've treated someone better AFTER they've been put through hell, and yet we continue to put people through hell for no reason... :| )

harry and austin are both very open-hearted, earnest, kind human beings with palpable enthusiasm for their art. you don't work with/interact with/meet thousands of people at various levels in various places, from industry luminaries to fans to service workers, and have them all come away talking about how generous and sweet you are unless that's simply what you are. for some reason, though, social media hates and resents this. harry being unapologetically warm and effusively authentic. austin being noted for his humility and graciousness. both being introspective about what they do. if aus had won, those same people would've been eviscerating him for winning as they laughed that he lost (which, btw, is so stupid - they are miserable nobodies behind a screen and he is an oscar nominee forever, so what are they proving? countless incredible actors have lost, or never even been nominated!, and it says nothing about their talent and careers). something about austin's sincerity and unguarded dedication for three+ years of his life was mockable to these people because they can't fathom having that feeling of empathy or closeness to anything, so all they can do is tear him down. people saying he seems "nasty" (LMAO??? WHERE? v's stans being legitimately ~nasty~ have fueled WAY too much of this and i hate that the actual press followed their lead in regards to commenting on his voice and his commitment to e's humanity), when the entire awards season he was being embraced and celebrated by everyone around him, by the current greats and his fellow nominees and peers in hollywood, for both his tremendous performance and for his genuine kindness, is like...idk it's honestly sick in some way. people cannot stand seeing it and i don't understand WHY. i love nothing more than compassion, thoughtfulness, and people expressing passion for their craft, i cannot comprehend the way that's rejected by the internet.

additionally, with both of them, there's this...shallow dismissal because they're handsome men of a similar age with younger "fangirls." the haters seem to have the idea that this dismisses any gravity or import anything they create or say ever do. it's bizarre. i saw someone say the only people who cared about the film were fifteen year olds, which is laughably wrong, but they'd say that about h's music too. i saw someone say nothing about the film was important, which i could write a whole other dissertation disagreeing with (and what austin said - if it touches ONE PERSON, it's important! i've written before about why it was resonant and beautiful to me, and i am FAR from the only person it touched, and it has crossed so many boundaries! as, again, has h's music! so...). there's also that pretentious concept that something being popular means it's worthless, which is silly. eeaao has gotten some of this too. how dare people embrace and love something?

stan twitter needs someone to either hate or worship. exactly, there is no in-between, they decide to do this based on pointless whims and meanspiritedness that is ultimately meaningless and says nothing about their targets or their idols. it IS hypocritical and it's wildly unfair. social media will say the most abhorrent things about people who have done NOTHING to deserve it, that i wouldn't even think about people i have concrete reason to dislike, much less would EVER type aloud for all to see. it's about rage clicks and living in that negativity spiral giving them a false sense of superiority. imagine if they directed some of that energy towards some purpose instead of just living to be trolls online. instead they stew in their own misery thinking it makes them powerful. ugh. 😕

my answer to this continues to be giving them no time of day and pretending they evaporate when i hit the block button, and just loving things ten times harder. <3