#but unlike Beyond who is compensating for his lack of top energy and just trying to make L look like a freak

[phantom-fleetways]

Ya know... I love these two, but like... Isn't it weird that Surge sleeps on top bunk and Kit sleeps on bottom?

Like logically speaking... This makes no sense guys. Surge is taller and she can't just... Collapse on the bed after running a few miles and wanting a break to relax.

Kit would be ideal for top bunk. Hell he could use his hydro pack to float up there. Like they are totally inversed!

But then again, Surge is the type to call herself an aggressive top. So maybe it makes sense. Although, isn't it funny that Kit is on the bottom? I wonder why that is.

[nakedfullmonty-fr]

I wanted to write something for Galure and Tirumala together since it’s not a dynamic I’ve explored before! I wanna do another companion piece for Dantalion and Vanadev together too.

Tirumala belongs to my dear @avalonianrising !! It’s my first time trying to properly write someone else’s character so I hope it’s okay!!

-

Galuré sat on the top step of the porch, admiring the way that the rising sun bathed the wood and surrounding forest in an amber hue so pleasantly saturated it even made the heavy mists look welcoming. He took a few slow breaths through his mouth, picking up the soft wet of the morning dew, along with the steady meandering sounds of a creek a small ways off, and something a little more musical just on the boundaries of his hearing. The air had an autumn crisp to it, but the blankets of sunlight that slid through the trees warmed him enough to keep the edge off.

As with most things, he saw the figure before he heard it, fog curling back as if to bow as it cleared a path. He shifted his weight to where his feet rested on the step below; a conscious effort he was trying to force into a habit, but any subtlety in the motion was lost as the boards creaked underfoot. He knew who the figure would be, but Dantalion chided him often for being too lax, a trait unfitting for someone in their line of work.

The first of the fallen leaves crunched closer, laying his companion’s intentions, or lack thereof, bare. As they crossed into the path of a light beam, the familiar face of a Wildclaw was illuminated, scaled lips and jaw curling around whispers that hogged the attention away from Galuré.

Vanadev had explained the counting thing to him before, or at least tried to. In truth he understood very little of it, but kept his mouth shut as the dragon approached, for once not feeling up to the task of inconveniencing someone else. The numbers continued, spoken too low for his faulty hearing to pick up even once the Wildclaw was only an arm’s length from him, but luckily at that point they stopped. Galuré smiled as an eye that reminded him of the pines of East Coast of home in the summer flicked up to meet him, but he knew so little of how dragons acted in their natural state that he couldn’t tell if the gesture was returned.

“Morning, Tirumala.” He said, voice thick with fondness. He reached out with just a hint of admiration for the form he couldn’t take, and let the palm of his hand grace the top of the Wildclaw’s leathered snout. Anyone else might’ve thought such an action a potential offence, but Galuré never was one for doubting himself. Tirumala didn’t return the greeting, but did give a soft trill that Galuré assumed was the same thing.

“I made tea, and some for you too, if you want it?”

Tirumala took a step back and there was a flash of elemental energy, the mists whipping in circles, running from the force as he took gijinka. The light lasted only a moment, but Galuré flinched away from both the brightness and the distant memories it brought up. He had only changed forms once, and the process had been so slow and agonising that he’d never attempted it again since. Just the sight of someone else doing so was enough to drag up the feeling of his bones snapping as every inch of him, down to a microscopic level, rearranged itself over the course of several minutes, so he snatched up the two mugs he’d left beside him and drank from his. It scalded his mouth, but somehow the real pain was more tolerable than a phantom one.

Tirumala lowered himself to sit beside him with a grunt, on the same level, but still he kept his distance. He took the drink when Galuré offered it, before quickly setting it back down on the decking with a panicked frown as he shook the heat from his fingertips.

“Oh, is it too hot? Sorry, I can’t feel it.” Galuré said, raising his free hand as if to demonstrate like Tirumala didn’t already know. He supposed he could feel it, but the existing pain on the surface that deepened into numbness meant any other pain or feeling was superficial. His skin was likely blistering as he spoke, but he held the mug close regardless – The warmth of it outweighing the need to prevent the damaging of flesh that would soon fall away and be replaced regardless.

Tirumala turned his eye back to the thickets he’d just emerged from, armour still thick on his shoulders from the morning’s patrol. He had a ruggedness about him that Galuré found captivating; Tirumala had a good 20 years on him – had a son about his age, even – and it made him wonder about his own future. He’d have cut a path through the underworld for Dantalion’s retirement long before that time, and he had no doubts his lover would age like a fine wine then, but himself… They’d have to catch me first, he thought. I’d look good with an eyepatch, anyways.

Tirumala said something that Galuré didn’t pick up on.

“Sorry, what was that?”

Again, he tasted the vibrations on his tongue and heard the rumble of his voice from within his chest, but couldn’t quite make out all the syllables.  

“I – You need to speak up, I’m hard of hearing.” In an old habit, he gunned his fingers and swiped them down, then bounced them in a small arc outwards. “Do you sign? No, wait, never mind, it’d be a different language anyways – It helps if you face me when you speak, though.”

For the last few months, he’d been in good health which helped his hearing, and conversations were manageable, but Tirumala spoke so softly that some of the sounds were missed. Vanadev had said before that Tirumala didn’t speak much and wasn’t adept with eye contact either, and he worried for a moment about how to find a compromise between his needs and his friend’s comfort. Luckily, Tirumala swivelled round to face him, one leg folding to rest on the flat of the porch as he spoke, and this time the words rang through.

“You’re up early.”

“It’s more that I haven’t been to sleep yet.” He chuckled.

“So, it’s… Galuré then?” Galuré gave a nod of affirmation, a small glow of secret pleasure blooming in his chest that Tirumala had made the effort to remember. “Why haven’t you slept?”

Now there was a question.

He wasn’t unused to being awake all night, having being born out of Aneikenon’s wish to freely go drinking in town of an evening, and he and Dantalion often travelled under the cover of darkness, but there was no reason for him not to sleep on this evening in particular. On his own, Galuré did most of his sleeping on a mid-afternoon basis, but last night he’d crawled into bed alongside his three lovers, yet still found himself unable to drift off with them.

He’d remained there, still, just enjoying the intimacy of it. Dantalion to his right, naked, limbs curled around him in a full body embrace and the warmth of his body heat not unlike that of a hot bath. Vanadev to his left, one arm still loosely holding Galuré’s head to the soft silk of the bed-robes covering his chest, and Tirumala just a little beyond him, leaning in with an arm draped over his husband’s waist. It was a gentle, domestic bliss that Galuré had never thought he’d ever feel, and for once, he’d counted himself a lucky man. Sleep eluded him, but someone how felt better off for it.

“I wanted to be up bright and early to greet you after your morning patrol, of course!” Galuré hoped a partial truth would be enough to satisfy him.

He’d felt the shift in weight on the bed as Tirumala had got up, but had said nothing for the sake of Dantalion, who was always so on edge that the slightest sound would jolt him awake. Once the room had settled and he was sure Dantalion was still sleeping, he’d crawled out from his pile of bodies and warmed himself by the fire as he stirred his hazy mind back to the day’s reality. At the time he wasn’t sure how long Tirumala’s patrol would take, but once he’d found the energy to re-dress himself, he’d moved to the kitchen to make the two of them some tea for his return.

Tirumala dipped his head in acknowledgement, but offered no further opportunity for conversation. He picked up his cup and brought it to his lips once more to take a cautious sip. His reaction would’ve been perfectly concealed behind the polite lack of reaction, but a slight creasing to his inner eye gave him away; too hot still. Over the years, Galuré had found that he had a knack for reading people, especially faces, his sight compensating for his hearing – It made card games easy, but very boring. “You got brought up proper, didn’t you? Are you a Prince or something?”

“No,” Tirumala snorted. “but an Heir? Maybe.”

“You can tell. Or I can, at least.” Galuré took a drink of his own tea, and found it to be just right in temperature, if not a little bland in flavour. “I’m good at that, but I’m not sure how. I don’t really know much about being a Prince though, you’d have to ask the other guy about it.” He tapped the side of his head.

Tirumala didn’t want to talk about it. Aneikenon wouldn’t either.

A silence of his own creation fell between them, and it made his skin itch. Dantalion was good at this, the sitting and the quiet, but Galuré was not. He’d never had a problem holding up a conversation by himself before, and couldn’t put his finger on why Tirumala suddenly made it difficult. One hand reached to the hairline of his neck, and he drove his fingers in hard, hoping bones would scratch where his missing fingernails could not.

“What happened to your eye?” Tirumala wasn’t like Dantalion, and probably wouldn’t tell just because he’d asked, but grasping at straws was better than the quiet. “Is it still in your head or is it like, gone?”

Tirumala’s fingers landed on his eyepatch, as if he was surprised to find it there. For a moment he said nothing, and Galuré fought down the urge to air his frustrations with a heaved sigh.

“It’s there…” He trailed off, pupil narrowing as it looked back in time to a world Galuré couldn’t see. Whatever emotions he felt towards it, he didn’t let them show. “Just about. Any deeper and I’d be dead. Vanadev saved me.”

“Well, see? Isn’t that nice and romantic?” Galuré leant in to rest his elbows on his knees, a clever trick to get closer without moving at all. His hair slid from his shoulders at the angle, curtaining him, and he left it there, not keen on moving his hands more than was needed.

Tirumala’s eye dragged back to scrutinise him, a gesture far more obvious that any other he’d displayed so far, although there was no creasing of brows to indicate that he’d found something he didn’t like.

“That’s what you consider romantic?”

“You don't? Fighting alongside someone and protecting one another… If that’s not a good indication of trust and love then I’m not sure what is. I mean, sure, most of the fights me and Dantalion get into are pretty one-sided, but …” Galuré felt the grin split his face as he thought back. “Like, when we’re taking cover from enemy fire, crouched together behind some wall and trying to figure out our next move, I think that’s when I feel closest to him.”

Tirumala sipped his tea, but the edges of his mouth curved parallel to the mug’s rim, and a chuckle rocked the liquid as he swallowed. Galuré watched as he ran his tongue across his top lip, catching a stray droplet that remained, and somehow he knew that at the very least, Tirumala understood.

“Work shouldn’t be your whole life. You’ll last longer if you have romance outside of it.”

Tirumala was special, Galuré realised then, as in that moment he felt not an ounce of his usual indignation. He took poorly to advice, even Dantalion’s on occasion, for who could presume that they were on a level even close to his, and yet, for the first time, Tirumala’s words made him consider the future.

‘I’ll help Dantalion retire’ had become his primary driving force, at some point completely eclipsing his previous motives of fun and freedom that were once overpowering but now felt so fickle. A goal, certainly, but one that felt so far away as every action seemed to dig them further down away from that light, that never once in all the this time had Galuré considered what happened once they reached it. He couldn’t fathom what life after all this would look like for Dantalion, and it occurred to him all too suddenly that he wasn’t necessarily guaranteed a place within it.

Now that he thought about it, he and Dantalion were always together, and yet when they weren’t out on a job or travelling for one, it felt like they didn’t do very much anything at all. They went down to The Black Lagoon often enough, but even that was because it was a known hotspot for criminal activity so it was easy to pick up jobs there. Sure, Galuré knew it wasn’t his fault that he was so sickly and that Dantalion had no hobbies whatsoever, some things can’t be helped, but compared to when he lived back at home on the Icefields, where there was always some skill for him to practise or some duty for him to fulfil, life outside of work was now frighteningly hollow.

What would happen to them once the work stopped?

Underneath it all, he found himself envious of the power behind Tirumala’s ability to stun a man into silence with so few words.

“It’s that dire?” Galuré wrinkled his nose in contempt at the description, for while he knew Tirumala’s mind was as sharp as his senses, he had not taken him to be foolish enough to poke fun. “We’ll go out then, all four of us. There are plenty of beautiful places Vanadev and I can show you. After, we can watch one of the Fireflies’ performances and go somewhere nice to eat… I think Vanadev’s wanted to for a while, but you two never stay for very long when you visit.”

Tirumala looked him in the eye then, gaze soft, but he may as well have pinned Galuré to the deck and snarled in his face for all the good it did his heart. A torrent of emotions tore up inside him like sand kicked loose at the bottom of a river, too fast and made of too many small parts for him to be able to grasp. A few grains thought it sounded nice and wanted it, before a cascade of others slammed them against the rocks and silenced them.

He liked Tirumala and Vanadev, loved them even. He looked forward to visiting them when they could, was always eager to climb into bed with them and more than happy to play house with them for a few days at a time. He felt the undertone of closer in Tirumala’s words though, and closer was something he wasn’t sure he could do. They were both in his heart, but were kept banished to the outskirts; any closer he might start to resent them, the way he resented everyone else, sweetness turned sickly from a stable diet.

Any closer, he thought, and they might start to resent me.

Curses in his skin, venom in his veins and a mind where doors only opened inwards, Galuré teetered dangerously on the edge of what it meant to be human, but had not yet fallen from that cliff, and so like most mortals he was desperate for love. He had it, of course, in Dantalion, but now he had new things in Vanadev and Tirumala, and once a child is gifted a new toy they are rarely keen to give it back.

A strong breeze startled him from his ruminating, carding its fingers through his hair and feathers and thieving the heat from his drink and hands. It must’ve caught Tirumala’s attention too, for he finally slid closer, guiding the hair that had fallen loose with the backs of his fingers to return it delicately to its place, hand hovering in place for a few moments longer.

It was a gentle gesture, full of genuine tenderness. Galuré felt like there was a loaded gun pressed between his eyes.

Keeping their eyes locked, as if Tirumala would vanish into the forest mists if he looked away for even a moment, an unwatched hand moved to place his mug onto the decking, the sound of baked clay meeting wood louder than all else other than the eternal march of his heart chased into a run. His other hand moved up, divergent in visual but mirror in gesture, to Tirumala’s jaw; neither touching, stuck in orbit of one another but kept at bay by the smallest layer of something distinctly foreign, but Tirumala’s gravity was too great and Galuré fell, aflame, out of control.

He did not crash, though. Tirumala’s lips embraced, accepted, his - a silent message, received, understood and challenged with a nip of teeth against a scar long healed.

It’s only fun if it might destroy me.  

[lydiaabroad]

Journal #3: Thailand

Sawadika! I have just returned from a weeklong excursion to Thailand. The goal of the trip was to learn about the Thai health system, which we did, but it honestly felt like a vacation. I am sitting now in my bed in Delhi in a bit of a cranky mood. It felt incredible to have freedoms in Thailand that we do not have here. We could stay out late, eat whatever we wanted from the street (I still got food poisoning), it just felt liberating! To go on a bit of a tangent, today I was doing my Hindi homework, excited to reward myself with an oreo. I bought a pack of oreos about two weeks ago and hadn’t opened them yet, saving them for a special occasion. I finished my Hindi work and came into my room for my oreo. I checked the nightstand where I had the packet, no oreos in sight, assumed someone cleaning had moved them, but I could not find the oreos! I wasn’t worried and assumed I had hidden them in some other bag, but then, under the night stand, I found the crumpled up wrapper! With a pile of crumbs! I know this is small and stupid but I am so upset. It will probably be funny tomorrow when I go buy myself a new pack of oreos, but tonight it feels like a tangible reminder of the privacy I lack and the little things that are uncomfortable. I cannot stop wondering who came into my room, saw the unopened oreos on my nightstand, decided to open and eat all of them, and not throw away the evidence!!! AH! So it is going to take a few days to readjust to being back after feeling very independent and liberated in Bangkok.

        With this heavy weight off my chest, I can now say that Bangkok is very cool. There are interesting juxtapositions of the high-speed concrete air rail and temples, skyscrapers and street markets. I love the look of the sky rail. Imagine heavy concrete slabs cutting through the air. It is honestly kind of ugly but there is something about the way it asserts itself there, in the thin air, overlapping and casting shadows through the city that I find powerful and beautiful. I am reminded of projections of the future, visions of people travelling in vehicles in the air. It seems to me this vision of the future in a more industrial way exists. 

        On Tuesday I went to the marble temple. I am not sure if it is the marble temple of Bangkok but it was indeed all made of marble. Upon entering the temple one feels a sense of serenity, possibly the cooling effect of the marble, or the aura of power that simply the construction of the structure demanded, but it was a grounding experience to be in this temple. I wish I knew more about Buddhism. I asked Henry to tell me some facts about Buddhism and he told me the following:

1)    All life entails suffering, “unsatisfactoriness,” even when you’re happy it’s temporary

2)    Suffering is rooted in desire––humans attach themselves to desire and worldly things, thus misconstrue the nature of reality

3)    Cessation of desire is possible through the eight-fold path, which includes right thoughts, speech, livelihood, and a few others. Thanks Henry.

        It is definitely interesting to consider some of these ideas when in an elaborate marble temple, but the beauty of the temple did demand a presence of me. The courtyard was lined with cup shaped wind chimes that played various pitches as the breeze came by, creating a soothing jangle and energy in the space. Around the perimeter were various Buddha statues from different regions and in different poses. My favorite Buddha form was the slightly chubby one with a distinct waist and sloping love handles, standing with his right hand extended. This pose is to stop family members from fighting.

        The ideologies of Buddhism were strong in my visit. We were sponsored by Mahidol University, met every day with kindness, top doctors and healthcare professionals, and extravagant lunches. I was slightly in awe of the generosity of our speakers for their time to tell us, moderately scraggly college students, about Thailand’s healthcare system. My favorite excursion was to a rural health promoting hospital/district center. The staff gave us mango and sticky rice to snack on while we toured the center and learned about what they do. The coolest thing is that volunteers support a major portion of the center. Local people, generally elderly with more time on their hands, volunteer and are trained to promote health and wellness in their areas. They will go into villages to check in on the sick, bring medications, encourage people to go to the center, etc. In India, the sub-centers also had volunteers, ASHAs, but the ASHAs were elected, always women, they are compensated for delivering medications and such, and there were only a few per center. At the center we visited, there were tons of volunteers (even a waiting list of, men and women, who only receive a travel stipend to volunteer. They said that being a volunteer gives them something to do as they get older, but also provides a way to actively give back to the community. This was very moving to me because most of the on the ground work is done by these volunteers and the system is sustainable solely on peoples’ values of volunteerism.

        My favorite day in Thailand we went to a community center (that seemed more oriented towards tourists? It was unclear) where we got to bike ride and tie-dye! I was beyond happy to go for a bike ride. I would say that in the last year I have taken to biking more as a method of clearing my head and taking time to myself. To be on a bike provides that incredible feeling of mobility, quickness, but not too fast! I am able to feel myself moving forward, take in the things I pass, let them go. The speed of travel via bike is perfectly manageable. I like this. Also, rural Thailand, wow! Imagine pink, purple, yellow flowers on the trees. Greenery everywhere. There were paths unlike anything I’ve ever seen, concrete, only about six feet wide, elevated over the rivers and fields, interconnected in all of the countryside. They felt like a big puzzle. I want to know who decided to build them.

        In the evening after the bike ride I went out for a fancy dinner at Bangkok restaurant, The Local, with some girls from my program. I hadn’t been feeling particularly connected to anyone in my program so this night felt pivotal. I finally felt like I belonged and had people I could be myself with. Let’s talk about the food, though. Wow. The Local is Michelin “recognized” whatever that means, maybe it had a star, but ooh wee this was Thai food I will not forget. I ordered a fried fish because I thought it would be fun to look the fish in the eyes while I ate it. It was indeed good and fun. The star of the evening was one of the girl’s red curry rib roast. When I took a bite of this dish I had to close my eyes and sit back in my chair. I might have teared up. I have never tasted something so tender and perfectly rich. Truly an incredible experience, if you ever go to Bangkok I recommend going to The Local.

        On the walk back to our hotel we passed Bangkok’s red light district, so we figured we would walk through. It was very interesting because there were definitely some touristy people there who were also checking it out, but there were also people definitely on the hunt for an experience. We went into one of the clubs and made some men very uncomfortable. The waitress started screaming at us because she knew we weren’t going to buy any drinks and one man definitely got shaken up by seeing a group of young girls catching him in the act, if you will. Sex work in Thailand is super prevalent. When you go out after sunset there are women standing outside most hotels and massage shops with women in short skirts beckon people in. I will be honest, I was a bit taken aback by all this. It’s really interesting because I was trying to figure out how I felt and couldn’t really. I hold the opinion that if someone is choosing to be a sex worker then that is their business and it’s just another way to make money. For many people it is very empowering to be in charge of your sexuality and finances so palpably. I did find myself wondering though in Bangkok since the sheer number of women was so high if it’s the same. I would love to hear your opinion. I was talking to my friend about it and she told me that I am being too sensitive. I don’t want to misquote her, but she took a class on sex work and learned that most women who are sex workers see it simply as a job. Some people like their job and some don’t. Like I said though, I found myself struggling with the fact that so many women were clearly looking for work. There were multiple massage parlors per block, each with around ten women on the porch consistently throughout the night. Women standing outside hotels, too, seemed to be waiting for work until late in the evening. One night I went to out with people in my program and a woman I saw on the way to the club around 10pm was standing in the same spot at 1am. I kept thinking about economics, supply and demand. The supply of workers seemed very high, and I am assuming there is a constant demand, so if many women are looking for work, then it isn’t possible that they are getting the best profits or having the most control over the prices. Maybe this is a strange and limited way to look at it, but it made me wonder. I have nothing but respect for all the women I saw and met. I hope for the best for them.

        I was definitely pretty grossed out by all the men I saw though. Maybe this is conflicting with me wanting sex workers to have good work, because they need the clients, but some of these clients were definitely slimy. There would be groups of older men together who would go up to women and touch them and look them up and down, a lot of men would kind of yank women around or hold them really tightly when walking on the streets at night. This made me really concerned and have some questions about the state of empowerment in certain sex work situations in Thailand. But who am I to say… I would love to know peoples’ thoughts and knowledge. Send me an email!

        The next day was our final day of classes in Thailand. Two other students and myself were in charge of leading a “synthesis” discussion of all the material we had covered for the week. I am so proud of how this discussion went. I wanted to pose questions that would spark conversations deeper than simply reviewing the material and instead directed towards discussions of underlying connections and themes we had learned about. My favorite question was at the end of the discussion. I told the class that I had been noticing all week how there are certain things when discussing health in Thailand that we never discussed once while in India they were huge components of public health. My question was, what did we not talk about this week in Thailand and what does that tell us about the determinants of health here? The answers were things like gender, education, poverty, and nutrition. These topics did not come up once in Thailand, and I think that is so fascinating because it shows they are not at all issues anymore, which in turn tells us a lot about Thailand’s socio-economic development. This sounds simple in my explanation, but phew, you should have seen it in context, it was a killer question. I realized preparing for this discussion session that I really enjoy facilitating dialogues and directing conversations. I am really proud of everyone in my class for being so generous with critical and deeply thought out responses, and hey, maybe part of that is because I asked good questions! This felt really good because I have been working really hard in the last six months or so on being a better listener and my question-asking skills. I think taking my sociology methods class on interviewing and trying to get to the root of topics helped me. I feel more confident in how to phrase questions to get a certain level of depth in response. I think another helpful tool has been playing hot seat, a game in which one person sits in the middle and is asked questions for two minutes. This game taught me the importance of listening to people and actually hearing what they say, as well as being brave and curious in how I ask questions. I am very proud of this discussion and happy that my work is paying off. I would love to know how you continue to work on being a good listener and how you think about asking questions. These are areas I am always hoping to improve in.

        At the end of this day I was very tired and needed some time to myself so I watched Netflix and then found a yoga class! It was very nice and challenging to go into yoga mode. I am proud of myself for taking time for myself and recognizing my needs. After, I went for a walk and bought a coconut to drink. Then I felt recharged to meet up with friends at Art Box, a street market type of space. It was a fun adventure because none of us had cell service in Thailand but they told me they were there. I wandered around for a bit then realized there was live music, and thought to myself, “If these people are my new friends that I am vibing with, they will be watching the live music.” Sure enough, there they were! We had the pleasure of seeing one of Thailand’s up and coming rappers, D Gerrard. I would not call it rap per-se, but maybe a mix of bedroom pop, funk, rap, and indie music. He was amazing. Check out his Spotify. There was no way we couldn’t dance, so I got everyone up and we danced about, then other people joined in! We met this super cool girl and danced with her, then we danced with D Gerrard himself. It’s funny because American people are definitely slightly ridiculous, emotional, and over the top to other cultures. We were having a great time dancing about but some people were looking at us like, “These girls are wild.” It was a great time.

      I unfortunately spent all of Saturday in bed with food poisoning. The pad thai from Art Box was just too good. All in all, Thailand was a very nice trip. I would have loved to see the lying down Buddha statue and the home of an American architect/silk trader who mysteriously disappeared, maybe I will go back some day. This journal entry was a bit rough around the edges. Thank you for your patience and please tell me your thoughts on sex work and question asking/listening!