#but unfortunately i was awaken by the most terrifying nightmare ever so i needed some awake time LMAO

[thesunoficarus1]

"be the bigger person" no I will NEVER be the bigger person I constantly hope that the girl who ghosted me for a year just to tell me she didn't like me because she thought I was clingy and her parents thought I was a "bad influence" for some reason burns in hell for eternity. I hope she has some evil ass shit happen to her because now I'm weirdly cold and distant around everyone and it's HER FAULT!!!

[atomic-taco-muffin]

The Lost Princess Chapter 27

Warnings: idk. You decide

Rating: SFW

You and the group entered Halloween Town. Once there, the four of you were clothed in scary-looking outfits, and Goofy noticed the scary scenery in the area. You became scared of how scary everything looked. 

“Gawrsh! Don't like the looks of this place. I bet it's crawlin' with ghosts!” Goofy said. 

“Neither do I. And don’t mention ghosts. They freak me out,” you said.

“Aw, phooey! There's nothin' to worry about. You won't be spooked if you already know what's coming! Not even real ghosts can frighten us anymore. If they take one look at us, THEY'd be the ones to run away!” Donald said. 

“You really think so?” Goofy asked. 

“Trust me!” Donald walked toward the green fountain, and Jack Skellington popped out of it. You screamed and hid behind Sora.

“Welcome to Halloween Town!” Jack said. 

“Waaak!” Donald screamed as he fell on his back. 

“A ghost!” you and Donald said. Sora and Goofy prepared for battle. 

“Wow, those are the best shrieks I've heard in ages! If you two are THAT easy to scare, we're gonna have a great time! Sorry, I haven't even introduced myself. I'm Jack Skellington! And this is Halloween Town. People around here call me the Pumpkin King! So if you're lookin' for a ghoulishly good time, you've come to the right place,” Jack said. 

“Well, we aren't!” Donald said angrily as he jumped up and down.

“Too bad, because at the moment, we've got a bit of a problem in Halloween Town.” 

“What kind of problem?” Sora asked. 

“Well...” Just then, several Shadow Heartless surrounded you all.

“Like this!” Jack said. You and the trio quickly took care of the heartless. 

“What's the big idea! Why'd you go and call the Heartless?” Donald said to Jack.

“I didn't call them. I just knew when they were going to show up. In fact, I'd love to get rid of them. They actually go around attacking people, instead of just scaring them,” Jack said. 

“Why are they here?” you asked as you tried to stood close to Sora. 

“I was just going to go ask Dr. Finkelstein the same question. I'm heading to his laboratory right now. Follow me!” Jack said as he left. 

“Sora, what should we do?” you asked. 

“I guess we'd better go,” Sora said. 

“I don't like this. What if he's leading us right to the Heartless?” Donald said. Jack suddenly reappeared.

“Bingo!” he said. You screamed again and clung to Sora. 

“Waaak!” Donald screamed and fell down again.

“Ha ha ha, I'm just kidding! Now let's get going,” Jack said. Jack started to leave. You, Sora and co. followed him. You, Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Jack entered Dr. Finkelstein's lab. Dr. Finkelstein was in his wheelchair reading a large book.

“Allow me to introduce Dr. Finkelstein! He's a world-famous genius!” Jack said. 

“Yes! Maybe I'm TOO smart. I'm afraid I've created something horrible!” Finkelstein said.

“What's that?” Donald asked. 

“Well... Have you ever stopped to think about the power of ‘true memories’?” Finkelstein said.

“True memories?!” you and Sora asked. 

“You see me children, our hearts are full of memories---but not all of them reflect the truth. The heart isn't a recording device. Even important memories change with time. They warp or fade, leaving us with but a shadow of what we hoped to remember,” Finkelstein said.

“Could that be happening to us?” you asked. 

“It happens to everyone. Some memories grow ugly, and some become more beautiful. If we could recover our true memories, the world would seem completely different. So, I devised a potion from forget-me-nots that brings our true memories back.” 

“Did it work?” Sora asked.

“Well, that's the problem...” 

“As soon as the doctor got a whiff of the potion, Heartless started popping up!” Jack said. 

“Sounds like a failed experiment to me,” Donald said. 

“No! My research is flawless! I just need another look at the potion to find out what went wrong!” Finkelstein said. The doctor moved his wheelchair over to a tube containing green liquid. He opened the top of his head to scratch his brain and you cringed at the sight.

“Unfortunately...it's vanished,” Finkelstein said as he closed his head.

“Maybe someone swiped it?” Sora asked. 

“It must've been Sally! Jack, you've got to find her and get my potion back.” 

“Leave it to me!” Jack said. 

“Can we tag along?” Sora asked. 

“What for?” 

“I want to know more about these ‘true memories’ the doctor keeps talking about.”

“Excellent! Then let's go find Sally!” You all left the laboratory to go find this Sally person. You, Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Jack found Sally in the cemetery.

“There you are, Sally. I thought I'd find you here,” Jack said. 

“Who are your friends?” Sally asked. 

“They're interested in true memories. You have the potion, don't you?” 

“Well...yes.” She took the potion from a pocket in her dress.

“Could you give it back?” Jack said. 

“I guess so, if you insist. But...I'm afraid. All the Doctor did was smell it, and the Heartless appeared. What if someone drinks it?” Sally said. 

“Are you kidding? What could be more exciting?” 

“I'm worried, Jack. Isn't there another option?” 

“Any ideas, Jack?” you asked.

“I can't think of a thing,” Jack said. 

“I can! Give it here!” someone said. Suddenly, Oogie Boogie appeared behind Sally, attacked her, knocking her away, and grabbed the potion.

“Oh no! The potion!” she said. You and Sora's group readied your weapons.

“Oogie! You again!” Jack said. 

“Jack, where are your manners? I'm just helping you put the potion to good use! You should thank me! Well, well. Just one sniff, and the Heartless appeared. What would happen if I chugged the whole thing? THAT would be scary! Poor Jack! You can't hold a candle to Oogie Boogie. Time for Halloween Town to taste pain and despair beyond any nightmare!” Oogie said. 

“Pain and despair? Oogie, you monster!” Oogie ran away with the potion. 

“C'mon, Jack! We've gotta go after him!” you said. The five of you ran after Oogie. you, Sora and co. chased Oogie Boogie into his lair. As you all entered, the gates closed behind you.

“Oogie! Hand over the potion!” Jack said. 

“You fools don't know when to quit! Say...all this running around is making me thirsty!” Oogie said. 

“Oogie! No!” 

“Yes!” Oogie took out the potion, uncorked it with his mouth, and drank the entire thing.

“Oh, no...” you an Sora said.

“Ahh! Lip-smacking good!” Oogie said. All of a sudden, he started shaking. 

“Agh! What's this? What... Something's wrong! Something deep inside me. Something...scary!” he said.

“Oogie! What's going on?” Jack said.

“No! Get back! Stay away from me!” Oogie coward. You and the trio fought and defeated Oogie. Later at Dr. Finkelstein's laboratory, you, Sora, Donald, Goofy, Jack, and Sally met with the Doctor.

“Confound that Oogie Boogie! He drank nearly all of my precious potion! There are only a few drops left!” Finkelstein said. 

“Sora, (Y/N), why don't you ask the doc if you can drink the rest?” Goofy asked. 

“No. We'd better not,” Sora said. 

“I agree,” you said. 

“What, don't you want it? Too bad. It would've been a great experiment,” Finkelstein said. 

“Now, Doctor...” Sally said. 

“Don't you want to find out about your true memories?” Jack asked you and Sora.

“Of course---now more than ever. But there's this guy---Axel. We promised him we'd find the truth on our own,” you said. 

“I just don't understand. When I inhaled the potion, Heartless appeared--- ...and when Oogie drank it, he was overcome with fear. What could it mean?” Finkelstein said. 

“It means the potion was a failure,” Sally said. 

“No! I can't be wrong! Oogie MUST have found his true memories! Hmm... True memories must unbalance the heart--- ...and cause unpredictable changes within!” 

“Then...what about us? What happens when our true memories awaken?” Sora asked. 

“Perhaps something even more terrifying... But this is all just a hypothesis. I can't be sure without further research.” 

“What's wrong, (Y/N)? Does the doctor's theory scare you?” Jack asked. 

“Well, yeah---a little,” you said. 

“Same here,” Sora said. 

“That's good to hear! Fear and doubt are signs of a strong heart. They push your heart, strike out in new directions, take chances! Without them, your zest for life might fade... ...as would your taste for fear. And believe me, that would really ruin my fun.” 

“Thanks, Jack. I'll remember that,” Sora said. 

“Then good luck, everyone! May you always enjoy being frightened!” You and the trio left the lab, and then Halloween Town. You and gang entered the Third Floor Exit Hall.

“Aw... I hope the king is gonna be okay...” Donald said. 

“Why bring that up?” you asked. 

“I had to be sure that I hadn't forgotten him.”

“How'd that go for ya?” Goofy asked. 

“Good! I remembered---we're on a quest to find the king.” 

“I remember that too. The king helped save everything by staying on the other side of the door to darkness. I think...” 

“You got it, Goofy!” 

“And me and (Y/N)--- We’re looking for Riku. He was with the king when the door closed. Hm. I guess there's no way we'll forget the most important memories,” Sora said. 

“That's good. 'Cause I don't want to forget...” Donald said. 

“Neither do I. I may not know who my mother was but I don’t want to forget her. It’s like she’s a part of me,” you said. 

“Well, you do have her powers and her dagger,” Goofy said. 

“That’s true. I hope I find her soon.” You and the trio leave the Exit Hall. Meanwhile, in another room inside the castle, Axel and a woman wearing a similar black coat were standing near a crystal ball.

“You seem pretty intrigued by this Sora and (Y/N) kid,” Larxene said. (QUEEN!)

“Are you telling me you're not, Larxene?” Axel asked. Larxene giggled. 

“Haven't decided yet... I think what intrigues me more is what you see in them,” she said. 

“There was a time he became a Heartless. And if one becomes a Heartless---” Axel said. 

“They lose their minds and their feelings... They're consumed by the darkness.” 

“Right. But not Sora. He held on to his feelings, even as a Heartless. And there's only one other man who's been able to do just that.” 

“It's the strength of his heart... That's what interests you. Why the Keyblade chose Sora's heart. But that doesn’t explain that spirit.”

“To unlock the mysteries of the heart. Isn't that the Organization's mission?” Larxene snickered. You, Sora, Donald, and Goofy entered the Fourth Floor.

“Hey, I wonder if there's anything we've forgotten...” Donald said. 

“Hmm... If we did, what would it have been?” Goofy asked. The two fo them thought for a moment. 

“I can't think of anything, so maybe that means that I really am losing my memories,” Goofy said. Donald looked sad.

“But whatever they were, they couldn't have been very important memories, right?” Goofy asked. 

“Right, or else I don't think you would have forgotten it,” you said. You and Sora took out the seashell charms that Kairi gave to you.

“Look,” Sora said. 

“What is it?” Donald asked. 

“A good luck charm Kairi gave us. It's special to her, so we promised that we would return it. I'll never forget making that promise. It's why we could never forget Kairi,” you said. 

“I’ll never forget it too,” Sora said. Donald and Goofy nodded.

“Are we right, Kairi?” Sora asked. You and Sora saw an image of Kairi in your heads. The three of you smiles at each other. Then a girl wearing a white dress appeared behind you two.

“Huh?!” you and Sora asked. You and Sora looked back but the girl disappeared.

“Oh... Do we know...that girl?” Sora asked. 

“I...have no idea,” you said.

“Hey, Sora, (Y/N). Where did you two go?”

“Sorry. Never mind,” Sora said. 

“We better keep goin'” Goofy said. You and Sora held up the next card at the Fourth Floor world entrance, and entered to the next world.

[just-another-busy-fangirl-writes]

October 20, 2017

I am reposting old fic rec lists.  Unfortunately some of the blogs/stories have been removed, but I am still going to list them for historical reference.

Feel free to tag me in ANY fics you post, and see previous weeks’ fic recs HERE

SMUT

Rude Awakening by @docharleythegeekqueen   Upon returning home to finish school and care for your father after an accident sees your best friend Meg taking you out for a night of fun. It leads you into the arms of the man of your dreams. But what’s a dream come true without a nice slap of reality? (smut-adjacent)

Not a Mistake by @saxxxology   French Mistake!AU - Sam finds himself caught up in the act of family planning… thing is, he likes it.

Holy Biceps, Batman by @there-must-be-a-lock   The reader has a nightmare and decides to bake a pie.  Dean is all for that idea.

Size Matters by @whywhydoyouwantmetosaymyname   The reader comes home to the bunker after a disappointing date to find Sam waiting.

FLUFF

The Trouble With Witches by @crispychrissy   A witch hunt with the Winchesters has some nerdy twists along with an interesting spell.

Fake by @dancingalone21   The diamond in your engagement ring is fake.

Temper Temper by @faegal04   After several hunts leave you in a disgusting mess and your temper is flaring, you and the boys hit a restaurant for some much needed sustenance and things happen.

Mommy’s Favorite by @impalaimagining   As a single mother, caring for a sick child is never easy, but it gets even worse when they’re terrified of the doctor’s office. Things take a turn when the doctor seems to be an angel who has taken residence here on earth.

Damn Monsters by @mrsbatesmotel53   The reader teams up with the Winchesters on a puzzling monster hunt.

Confident by @saxxxology   Your final online math class is kicking your ass, but luckily, you’ve got Sam to help out.

You Stood Here Waiting by thepinupchemist @scarlettofletters (on AO3)   Sam hasn’t seen his brother in seven years, but when he takes a day trip with his friends to the mountains, he finds Dean in the most unexpected of places – small town Colorado, pregnant, and holding a sleeping pup. Weirder still: Sam finds Dean happy.

Sweeter Than Caramel by @splendidcas   Making caramel apples for Halloween with your fav archangel is more difficult than you planned.

The Raid by @talesmaniac89   Dean and the reader goes on a Halloween candy raid to stock up their sugar arsenal.

Have You Ever by @whispersandwhiskerburn   Dean and the Reader met on a case, and neither one can get the other out of their heads. If they take the risk to try and make it work between them, they might be hurt…but if they don’t, they’ll always wonder about what might have been.

ANGST

Forgiveness by @crispychrissy   Set in season 8, reader has not forgiven Sam for letting Lucifer free. When he comes around, old feelings come bubbling back up, leading Dean to step in.

My Green-Eyed Monster by fallenforsupernatural (on AO3)   Jensen doesn’t dislike Stephen Amell. He just wishes he and Jared weren’t so close.

[thefeministherald]

Your Ultimate Women-Write-The-Best-of-Everything 2019 Reading List

The Voyeurs (Graphic Novel)

"The Voyeurs is the work of a mature writer, if not one of the most sincere voices of her literary generation. It's a fun, honest read that spans continents, relationships and life decisions. I loved it."—Chris Ware, Acme Novelty Library

"As she watches other people living life, and watches herself watching them, Bell's pen becomes a kind of laser, first illuminating the surface distractions of the world, then scorching them away to reveal a deeper reality that is almost too painful and too beautiful to bear."— Alison Bechdel, Fun Home

"A master of the exquisite detail, Bell provides a welcome peephole into our lives."—Françoise Mouly, The New Yorker

The Voyeurs, was named one of the best books of the year by Publishers Weekly, Kirkus Reviews, and the Atlantic.

Behind the Beautiful Forevers: Life, Death, and Hope in a Mumbai Undercity

In this brilliant, breathtaking book by Pulitzer Prize winner Katherine Boo, a bewildering age of global change and inequality is made human through the dramatic story of families striving toward a better life in Annawadi, a makeshift settlement in the shadow of luxury hotels near the Mumbai airport. As India starts to prosper, the residents of Annawadi are electric with hope. Abdul, an enterprising teenager, sees “a fortune beyond counting” in the recyclable garbage that richer people throw away. Meanwhile Asha, a woman of formidable ambition, has identified a shadier route to the middle class. With a little luck, her beautiful daughter, Annawadi’s “most-everything girl,” might become its first female college graduate.

Marbles: Mania, Depression, Michelangelo, and Me: A Graphic Memoir

Cartoonist Ellen Forney explores the relationship between “crazy” and “creative” in this graphic memoir of her bipolar disorder, woven with stories of famous bipolar artists and writers.

Shortly before her thirtieth birthday, Forney was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Flagrantly manic and terrified that medications would cause her to lose creativity, she began a years-long struggle to find mental stability while retaining her passions and creativity.

Searching to make sense of the popular concept of the crazy artist, she finds inspiration from the lives and work of other artists and writers who suffered from mood disorders, including Vincent van Gogh, Georgia O’Keeffe, William Styron, and Sylvia Plath. She also researches the clinical aspects of bipolar disorder, including the strengths and limitations of various treatments and medications, and what studies tell us about the conundrum of attempting to “cure” an otherwise brilliant mind.

Darkly funny and intensely personal, Forney’s memoir provides a visceral glimpse into the effects of a mood disorder on an artist’s work, as she shares her own story through bold black-and-white images and evocative prose.

The Woman in Cabin 10

From New York Times bestselling author of the “twisty-mystery” (Vulture) novel In a Dark, Dark Wood, comes The Woman in Cabin 10, an equally suspenseful and haunting novel from Ruth Ware—this time, set at sea. In this tightly wound, enthralling story reminiscent of Agatha Christie’s works, Lo Blacklock, a journalist who writes for a travel magazine, has just been given the assignment of a lifetime: a week on a luxury cruise with only a handful of cabins. The sky is clear, the waters calm, and the veneered, select guests jovial as the exclusive cruise ship, the Aurora, begins her voyage in the picturesque North Sea. At first, Lo’s stay is nothing but pleasant: the cabins are plush, the dinner parties are sparkling, and the guests are elegant. But as the week wears on, frigid winds whip the deck, gray skies fall, and Lo witnesses what she can only describe as a dark and terrifying nightmare: a woman being thrown overboard. The problem? All passengers remain accounted for—and so, the ship sails on as if nothing has happened, despite Lo’s desperate attempts to convey that something (or someone) has gone terribly, terribly wrong…

1222

Nominated for the Edgar Award for Best Novel, from Norway’s #1 bestselling female crime writer—a “beguiling” (The Washington Post) “good old-fashioned murder mystery” (The New York Times Book Review) set in an isolated hotel where guests stranded during a monumental snowstorm begin turning up dead. A train on its way to the northern reaches of Norway derails during a massive blizzard, 1,222 meters above sea level. The passengers head for a nearby hotel, centuries old and practically empty. With plenty of food and shelter from the storm, the evacuees think they are safe, until one of them turns up dead. With no sign of rescue and the storm raging, retired police inspector Hanne Wilhelmsen is asked to investigate. Paralyzed by a bullet lodged in her spine, Hanne has no desire to get involved. But when another body turns up, panic takes over. Complicating things is the presence of a mysterious guest, a passenger who traveled in a private rail car and now stays secluded on the top floor of the hotel. No one knows who the guest is, or why armed guards are needed. Hanne has her suspicions. Trapped in her wheelchair, trapped by the storm, and now trapped with a killer, Hanne knows she must act before the killer strikes again.

Robot Dreams

A Kirkus Reviews Best Book of the Year A PW Best Book of the Year An ALSC Notable Children’s Book A YALSA Great Graphic Novel

This moving, charming graphic novel about a dog and a robot shows us in poignant detail how powerful and fragile relationships are.

Borderlands / La Frontera: The New Mestiza

Rooted in Gloria Anzaldúa's experience as a Chicana, a lesbian, an activist, and a writer, the essays and poems in this volume profoundly challenged, and continue to challenge, how we think about identity. Borderlands / La Frontera remaps our understanding of what a "border" is, presenting it not as a simple divide between here and there, us and them, but as a psychic, social, and cultural terrain that we inhabit, and that inhabits all of us.

Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened

Every time Allie Brosh posts something new on her hugely popular blog Hyperbole and a Half the internet rejoices. This full-color, beautifully illustrated edition features more than fifty percent new content, with ten never-before-seen essays and one wholly revised and expanded piece as well as classics from the website like, “The God of Cake,” “Dogs Don’t Understand Basic Concepts Like Moving,” and her astonishing, “Adventures in Depression,” and “Depression Part Two,” which have been hailed as some of the most insightful meditations on the disease ever written.

Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat: Mastering the Elements of Good Cooking

Now a Netflix series! New York Times Bestseller and Winner of the 2018 James Beard Award for Best General Cookbook and multiple ICAP Cookbook Awards Named one of the Best Books of 2017 by: NPR, BuzzFeed, The Atlantic, The Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Rachel Ray Every Day, San Francisco Chronicle, Vice Munchies, Elle.com, Glamour, Eater, Newsday, Minneapolis Star Tribune, The Seattle Times, Tampa Bay Times, Tasting Table, Modern Farmer, Publishers Weekly, and more. A visionary new master class in cooking that distills decades of professional experience into just four simple elements, from the woman declared “America’s next great cooking teacher” by Alice Waters.

Monstress Volume 1: Awakening

Set in an alternate matriarchal 1900's Asia, in a richly imagined world of art deco-inflected steam punk, MONSTRESS tells the story of a teenage girl who is struggling to survive the trauma of war, and who shares a mysterious psychic link with a monster of tremendous power, a connection that will transform them both and make them the target of both human and otherworldly powers. About the Creators: New York Times bestselling and award-winning writer Marjorie Liu is best known for her fiction and comic books. She teaches comic book writing at MIT, and leads a class on Popular Fiction at the Voices of Our Nation (VONA) workshop.

Persepolis

Marjane Satrapi's best-selling, internationally acclaimed graphic memoir. Persepolis is the story of Satrapi's unforgettable childhood and coming of age within a large and loving family in Tehran during the Islamic Revolution; of the contradictions between private life and public life in a country plagued by political upheaval.

Nobody Nowhere: The Remarkable Autobiography of an Autistic Girl

Donna Williams was a child with more labels than a jam-jar: deaf, wild disturbed, stupid insane... She lived within herself, her own world her foreground, ours a background she only visited. Isolated from her self and from the outside world, Donna was, in her words, a Nobody Nowhere. She swung violently between these two worlds, battling to join our world and, simultaneously, to keep it out. Abandoned from all connection to the self within her, she lived as a ghost with a body, a patchwork of the images which bombarded her. Intact but detached from the seemingly incomprehensible world around her, she lived in what she called 'a world under glass`.

After twenty-five years of being misunderstood, and unable to understand herself, Donna stumbled upon the word 'autism': a label, but one which held up a mirror and made sense of her life and struggles, and gave her a chance to finally forgive both herself and those around her.

The Ice Princess

The psychological thriller debut of No.1 bestselling Swedish crime sensation Camilla Lackberg.

A small town can hide many secrets

Returning to her hometown after the funeral of her parents, writer Erica Falck finds a community on the brink of tragedy. The death of her childhood friend, Alex, is just the beginning. Her wrists slashed, her body frozen in an ice-cold bath, it seems like she’s taken her own life.

Meanwhile, local detective Patrik Hedström is following his own suspicions about the case. It’s only when they start working together that the truth begins to emerge about a small town with a deeply disturbing past…

The Vampire Chronicles: Interview with a Vampire, The Vampire Lestat, and The Queen of the Damned

In 1976, nearly 80 years after Bram Stoker published Dracula, Anne Rice's bestselling first novel, Interview with the Vampire, breathed new life into the vampire myth. Now, in one chilling volume, here are the first three classic novels of The Vampire Chronicles; Interview with the Vampire, The Vampire Lestat, and Queen of the Damned.

Adulthood is a Myth: A Sarah's Scribbles Collection

Do you love networking to advance your career? Is adulthood an exciting new challenge for which you feel fully prepared? Ugh. Please go away. 2016 GOODREADS CHOICE AWARD WINNER FOR GRAPHIC NOVELS AND COMICS! These casually drawn, perfectly on-point comics by the hugely popular young Brooklyn-based artist Sarah Andersen are for the rest of us. They document the wasting of entire beautiful weekends on the internet, the unbearable agony of holding hands on the street with a gorgeous guy, and dreaming all day of getting home and back into pajamas. In other words, the horrors and awkwardnesses of young modern life. Oh and they are totally not autobiographical. At all.

Nimona

Indies Choice Book of the Year * National Book Award Finalist * New York Times Bestseller * New York Times Notable Book * Kirkus Best Book * School Library Journal Best Book * Publishers Weekly Best Book * NPR Best Book * New York Public Library Best Book * Chicago Public Library Best Book

The New York Times bestselling graphic novel sensation from Noelle Stevenson, based on her beloved and critically acclaimed web comic. Kirkus says, “If you’re going to read one graphic novel this year, make it this one.”

Nemeses! Dragons! Science! Symbolism! All these and more await in this brilliantly subversive, sharply irreverent epic from Noelle Stevenson. Featuring an exclusive epilogue not seen in the web comic, along with bonus conceptual sketches and revised pages throughout, this gorgeous full-color graphic novel has been hailed by critics and fans alike as the arrival of a “superstar” talent (NPR.org).

Cultural Anthropology  Barbara Miller

Cultural Anthropology presents a balanced introduction to the world’s cultures, focusing on how they interact and change. Author Barbara Miller provides many points where readers can interact with the material, and encourages students to think critically about other cultures as well as their own. Featuring the latest research and statistics throughout, the eighth edition has been updated with contemporary examples of anthropology in action, addressing recent newsworthy events such as the Ebola epidemic.

Captain Marvel Volume 1: Higher, Further, Faster, More

Kelly Sue Deconnick

Hero! Pilot! Avenger! Captain Marvel, Earth's Mightiest Hero with an attitude to match, is back and launching headfirst into an all-new ongoing adventure! As Captain Marvel, a.k.a. Carol Danvers, comes to a crossroads with a new life and new romance, she makes a dramatic decision that will alter the course of her life - and the entire Marvel Universe - in the months to come. But as Carol takes on a mission to return an alien girl to her homeworld, she lands in the middle of an uprising against the Galactic Alliance! Investigating the forced resettlement of Rocket Girl's people, Carol discovers that she has a history with the man behind the plot. But when the bad guy tries to blackmail Carol and turn the Avengers against her, it's payback time! Guest-starring the Guardians of the Galaxy!

[strife-and-discord]

A Series of Firsts- Chapter 1

First Bonding Moment

Read on AO3 here

Next

Characters: Todoroki Shouto, Yamada Hizashi

Summary: Shouto has a nightmare and seeks out comfort.

A/N: This is a story inspired by @deafmic ‘s series “Responsibility” which I highly recommend you go and read on Ao3.

Shouto jolts awake with a gasp, eyes flying open only to see the darkness of his room. There are no roaring flames, no unbearable heat consuming him, no piercing screams that make his blood run cold. Instead, there is just the gentle glow of the star-shaped stickers Hizashi had put on his roof, and the soft sound of cars and trains just beyond the building. Breathing deeply, Shouto slowly allows his mind to process the fact that it had just been a nightmare. He isn’t with his father anymore, he’s safe and sound at Hizashi and Shouta’s apartment.

Even with that knowledge, Shouto thinks he still feels a bit restless and doesn’t really want to be alone right now. Hizashi and Shouta are always telling him that it would be fine if Shouto needed to wake one of them for any reason at night. Not that Shouto had ever made it that far after a nightmare. Usually, when this happened, Shouta had always already been awake and in the living room so Shouto had never needed to actually wake him up. Shouta would make him something warm and tasty to drink and they would curl up the couch cuddling the cats and Shouto wouldn’t have to talk about it unless he wanted to. Shouto really liked those moments, when they could relax in silence and just exist, without any added pressure.

However, tonight as Shouto reaches the living he finds it empty. It’s not exactly a surprise, he knows that Shouta works most frequently at night so of course, he can’t always conveniently be there whenever Shouto needs comfort after a nightmare. Still, it wouldn’t hurt for him to wander down to Hizashi and Shouta’s room just to see if he’s actually sleeping for once. Worst case scenario, he figures, he could always just talk to Hizashi instead, although the thought of waking him up in the middle of the night just because Shouto doesn’t feel like being alone makes him a bit anxious. While Shouto really likes Hizashi and feels perfectly comfortable around him, he doesn’t yet have the same connection with him yet that he has with Shouta. So the thought of going to him for something so personal would be a first.

Guided by the dim glow of the street lights outside the window, Shouto tip-toes as quietly as possible down the hallway and towards Hizashi and Shouta’s room. As he makes his way, he takes the time to look at some of the personal items on display along the hall. There’s not very much, seeing as Shouta really hates clutter and Shouto knows that Hizashi had to fight a bit for the small amount of stuff they have. The only things that are there are clearly the things that must have been considered most important, a photo from Hizashi and Shouta’s wedding day, a photo from what Shouto thinks must have been from when they first moved into this apartment, and a few photos of the cats. More recently a photo had been added with him in it, when he first came home with Hizashi and Shouta, he’s too embarrassed to tell them how much he really likes it. Shouto considers it his first normal family thing.

Shouto finally reaches Hizashi and Shouta’s. The door is cracked open just a little bit and he finds himself frozen in front of it. He knows objectively that neither Shouta nor Hizashi would be upset if he woke them up, but Shouto still feels like he’s being selfish. They both do so much every single day, not just for him but for lots of other people as well, they really deserve to be able to just sleep fully throughout the night. Shouto, very quick and stealthily, peaks his head into the room before whipping it back out. Only Hizashi is in there. Now he’s at a bit of a loss. It makes sense that Shouta would be out but now Shouto isn’t sure what he should do, he still doesn’t feel like he wants to go back to bed alone, but he’s not entirely sure if he was the confidence to wake Hizashi up either. Shouto doesn’t really notice but he has started pacing back and forth along the hallway. He starts to head back to his room, thinking that he should just let Hizashi sleep but then he tells himself that Hizashi would be happier if Shouto just woke him up when he needed him and he walks back towards the room.

This goes on for a while, Shouto wishes he could just make up his mind already. He’s never really been an indecisive person before and honestly, could never understand people who were. How hard can it be to make a simple decision? Just pick whatever it is you want it shouldn’t be this much of a hassle. Yet here he was fighting his own internal war and god he gets it now. This is torture and Shouto hates himself a little bit for it even though he’s been trying to do that less lately. He paces back and forth a few more times before finally, he resolves that Hizashi and Shouta wouldn’t want him to be alone in this sort of distressed mental state and there’s no way that Hizashi would ever get angry with him like his father would. With a determined resolve, Shouto re-approaches the door, pausing only for a second before he slowly pushes his way into the room.

“Hizashi…” He calls out quietly into the vast space.

After standing at the door awkwardly for a few seconds waiting, it suddenly occurs to Shouto that Hizashi probably wouldn’t wear his hearing aids to bed, and therefore can’t actually hear him while he’s sleeping. Shouto would have to physically wake him. He hasn’t even moved from his spot at the door yet and Shouto can already feel the guilt sinking in. He almost goes to turn back again, thinking that this is all turning into too much of a hassle, but the thought of going to sleep on his own again… the possibility of seeing his father… Shouto really doesn’t want to be alone right now. Hizashi did tell him that sometimes it’s okay to be a bit selfish, you can’t help others if you don’t help yourself. Shouto starts hoping that by a sheer miracle or something, Hizashi will hear his internal struggle and just wake up, saving him the struggle of doing it personally. It’s a stupid thought though, Hizashi’s not a mind reader and the only miracle that’s ever happened to Shouto was being adopted by him and Shouta.

Steeling himself with a deep breath, Shouto starts what feels like a long and perilous to where Hizashi lays sleeping. Unfortunately, he sleeps on the farthest side of the bed from the door and every step closer somehow seems to make Shouto feel tenser and tenser. By the time he actually reaches the bed, Shouto feels like a rubber band stretched to snap. His heart is thumping in his chest and if he didn’t know that Hizashi is hard of hearing he would have been scared the sound of it alone would wake him. Shouto pauses, standing over Hizashi, hand already stretched out. He feels like a bit of a creep just standing here but he just has to question this one last time. Does he really need to wake Hizashi? Shouto could still turn back and go to bed and no one would ever know. He shakes his head, hopefully clearing those thoughts once and for all, and reaches to place his hand on Hizashi’s shoulder. Shouto gives him a gentle shake, hoping he makes this easy and wakes up quickly.

                                              _______________

Hizashi’s hearing may have been lacking but he more than made up for it with how sensitive all his other senses were after years of being a hero. Shouta was always saying that a light gust of wind would be enough to wake Hizashi. That was a bit of an exaggeration but as soon as Hizashi registers a light shaking of his shoulder he is wide awake and ready to go, as a general rule, being woken up in the middle of the night means trouble. Hizashi sits up straight and wide-eyed, looking around for presumably an injured Shouta. It wouldn’t be the first time and god knows it probably wouldn’t be the last, injuries are a part of the job, Hizashi knows that. The only time he has a problem is when Shouta seems to forget his brain and throws himself into an incredibly dangerous situation. Hizashi’s eyes finally focus and he looks to the side of his bed to find not an injured Shouta, or an insane villain ready to kill him, but instead just a pale, shaking, terrified looking Shouto Todoroki.

As soon as Hizashi sees Shouto he calms down, clearly seeing that there’s no threat. However he can’t say the same for Shouto, Hizashi’s sudden awakening must have startled him because the boy looks paler than a ghost. He assumes Shouto is here because he had a nightmare, Shouta had mentioned that he’d been having them every now and then but conveniently only on nights when Shouta was already in the living room. No such luck tonight it seems. Hizashi can really appreciate the amount of courage it must have taken for Shouto to come and wake him tonight. Standing here now, Hizashi can’t help but think about how young Shouto looks like this, he can almost picture him holding a teddy bear or a favourite blanket. Although Hizashi thinks that Shouto probably never experienced that sort of thing as a little kid.

In the small moment that Hizashi pauses after waking up, Shouto starts almost frantically signing to him. When he had first moved in Shouto had instantly expressed interest in learning sign-language from Hizashi. Not just for the added convenience but also because they thought the added mental stimulation could help with Shouto’s brain injury. It’s been slow going so so far all Shouto has really learnt is the basics. Hizashi thinks he must be seeing the culmination of Shouto’s skills right now, as he realises that Shouto is signing “Sorry” over and over along “Sorry I woke you up”. Hizashi realises that Shouto isn’t scared. He feels guilty. It’s like the hospital all over again when Shouto kept feeling like he was inconveniencing Hizashi and Shouta.

“Hey, hey, hey-” Hizashi gently grabs Shouto’s hands, silencing his movements “-It’s okay, kiddo, It’s okay, I don’t mind at all, promise.” He holds on for a moment until he believes Shouto has calmed down enough. “What’s up, buddy?” Hizashi doesn’t want to just straight up reveal that he knows Shouto’s been having nightmares, he doesn’t want Shouto to feel like Shouta betrayed his trust. Plus it’s probably better for Shouto to ask himself so he can get used to asking for help.

Shouto won’t meet his eyes, will barely even look at him. He doesn’t have the all the signs yet for what he wants to say but spelling out the words he doesn’t have, he manages to get out, “I had a nightmare.”

Again, it hits Hizashi how young Shouto seems in this situation. He recalls a conversation he had with Shouta about how, because they were adopting a teenager, some people would talk about how they missed all the milestones of raising a young child. Hizashi had eagerly told Shouta that he didn’t care about that at all and even if he did, there was no reason why they couldn’t consider adopting a young child in a few years time. Hizashi thinks that maybe they didn’t end up missing out. Seeing as Shouto never really experienced many of those milestones anyway, a lot of those behaviours have started to manifest now since he’s finally apart of a normal family. It’s bittersweet now, to see Shouto engaging in such a childish thing as seeking out a parent after a nightmare. Hizashi hates that Shouto’s having nightmares, but he’s glad that he felt comfortable enough to seek out help.

“Do you wanna talk about?” He knows there’s a good chance Shouto will say no, but it’s good to offer.

Shouto seems to think about it for a second, looking contemplative, before spelling out the word, “Father.”

That was really all Hizashi needs to hear. Of course, Shouto’s nightmares would be about his father. He takes a moment to let the fresh wave of anger directed at that flaming piece of trash wash over him. Shouto doesn’t need anger right now, he’s had plenty of that over his lifetime. What he needs now is soft comfort and care.

“Okay. Can you tell me what I can do that might make you feel better?” Hizashi’s and Shouta had figured out early one that Shouto could be very hard to read and that probably wasn’t going to change. They also figured that what Shouto needed for comfort could change at a moments notice, so it was just better to ask.

Shouto raises his hands again like he was going to sign again but he puts them down, instead, opening and closing his mouth a few times. Hizashi presumes he’s trying to find the best way to communicate. Whatever it is he wants to say might be too complex for him in sign.

Shouto takes a minute to, Hizashi guesses, gather his courage before he awkwardly signs, “Don’t want to sleep alone.” He looks down almost like he’s ashamed to say it.

“That’s okay buddy, there’s nothing wrong with that.” Hizashi reaches out and gently lifts Shouto’s head so he’s looking at him. “Would it help if you slept here with me tonight?”

Hizashi can’t quite tell in the dim lighting but he thinks Shouto might be blushing a bit. It’s not at all strange for a child to sleep with their parent after having a nightmare, but for Shouto it must be a completely alien concept.

Shouto nods his head a bit and signs “Yes, please.”

Hizashi starts to wiggle his way over to Shouta’s side of the bed, taking the corner of blankets from his side with him so it’s easier for Shouto to hop in. “Here,” he says with a smile, “You can have the warm spot.”

Shouto just stands there awkwardly for a second before cautiously kneeling on to the bed. Hizashi hands the blankets back to Shouto once he’s in and lies back down, snuggling himself in again. Shouto does the same, albeit much slower, Hizashi thinks it looks more like he’s handling a bomb as opposed to getting into bed. Once they’re both in and facing each other, there’s one last thing Hizashi wants to tell Shouto, just to be sure he knows.

“No matter what Shouto, Shouta and I will always be willing to help you, no matter what it is you need. And no matter what, I promise we will always be here to protect you.”

Shouto doesn’t reply, although Hizashi didn’t really expect him to. Instead, he just moves a little closer to the middle of the bed, a little closer to Hizashi, and reaches out his hand. Hizashi gets the message straight away and gently places his hand in Shouto’s. Shouto may not be ready or interested in full bed cuddling, but for now, this is probably enough.

[lordofthebigtimesupernatural]

Heyo, are you still taking requests for your Single Dad Shiro Verse? Because I have a FEW prompts to submit! First one is: Keith has been having nightmares lately, and he's been trying his hardest to keep them from his dad, not wanting to pester him. However one night, the nightmare turns into a night terror, waking shiro. Angst, hurt/comfort, cuddles and love from daddy shiro. Keith would be about 9 years old in this. Thank you! I'll post the other prompts after a while. :)

I am always taking prompts, but I just take forever to get to them haha. I love a bunch of prompts but yikes guys, y’all are sending in all the angsty prompts now. Everyone loves either super fluff or getting right down to the angst, lol. No chill but I love it! Poor Keith. Thanks nonny for this prompt and I hope you enjoy!

x.V.x

                 Hecouldn’t run.

               Hecouldn’t scream.

               He wastrapped.

               Trappedwith dark, black claws reaching for him – inches away from his face. All aroundhim were eyes, starring unblinking and red like blood. His skin itched and histhroat scratched when he tried to scream, but he not a sound came out. Theclaws were closing in on him and his heart was hammering painfully in hisribcage.

               Hecouldn’t breathe.

               Hecouldn’t cry.

               “We got you. There’s no escape.”

               Heopened his mouth once more to try and scream, just as the claws closed inaround his neck.

x.V.x

               Keith’seyes snapped open and he shot up. Wordless, he looked around the room whilesucking in heavy, deep breaths. He could feel his body trembling and for a fewsplit seconds Keith was unsure of where he was. All he could see was a darknessaround his room and he could still feel those claws around his throat. Quickly,Keith touched his neck and was relieved to find that there were no clawswrapped around their neck.

               After afew minutes of trying to suck in as much air as possible and breathing deeply,Keith could feel his heart rate beginning to return to normal. Immediately, hereached out for his stuffed lion that had fallen off the bed. Despite the factthat he was nine and too old forthings like stuffed toys, Keith still kept his lion after all these years.Whenever he was extremely upset or nervous, the lion tended to help him calmdown better.

               Tonight,it took longer than normal for Keith to calm down.

               It was just a nightmare. None of it wasreal. Keith repeated these thoughts over and over. He continued taking deepbreaths and snuggling into his lion. You’resafe. None of it was real. Eventually, Keith could begin to feel himself calmdown.

               Heglanced over at his door, seeing it opened just a crack, as it was every nightso Shiro could easily come in if Keith needed him. Keith shivered, rememberinghow nimble the claws in his nightmares were and how they could easily crawlthrough the crack. For a moment he debated whether or not he wanted to get outof bed and go to his dad, because right now he was really scared.

               He knewthat his dad would be able to make him feel better again (maybe he’d even letKeith sleep in his room tonight), because his dad always mad everything better.But then Keith realized that the hallway was even darker than his bedroom and that wasn’t good.

               ThenKeith thought that his dad was tired. He had to work a lot at the shelter withthe Veterans and animals this week. Keith was aware that his dad was cominghome more tired than usual, when he fell asleep downstairs in front of the TV every night this week. Which meant thathis dad was probably exhausted.

               And hewas asleep.

               Keithfigured he shouldn’t bother his dad over a silly nightmare. Especially not whenKeith was nine-years-old. He was practically grown.

               “I’mfine. It was just a nightmare. There’s no need to wake daddy up.” Keithmumbled, burrowing under the covers even further. His eyes darted around theroom momentarily, before landing on something moving towards his bed. Keithfelt his heart leap into his throat, as raw terror filled his small body.However, Keith’s terrors quickly dispelled when he realized that it was Red onhis bed now, and curling up beside him.

               Breathinga sigh of relief, Keith rubbed her behind her ear. “Okay, we don’t need to wakedaddy up now that you’re here.” Keith nodded towards Red who huffed inagreement. Red would protect Keith. No monster would ever try to get them now.

               SlowlyKeith closed his eyes and fell asleep once more.

x.V.x

               Keith hopedthe nightmares would eventually stop after a couple of days. He was nostrangers to nightmares, but normally Keith had them every once in a while andthen they stopped. Then Keith could get over them in a few days and everythingwould go back to normal.

               Exceptthe nightmares weren’t stopping, and on top of that, Keith was havingnightmares every single night. Despite having Red’s comforting presence,despite clutching his stuffed lion and despite having found his old nightlight.

               Keithwould wake up, tangled in his sheets and sweating profusely. His heart wouldrace and his eyes were wide an unseeing. Sometimes Keith couldn’t even wake upand Red was forced to shake him awake.

               Meaning,Keith hadn’t gotten a good night’s sleep in several weeks now and it wasstarting to take a toll on the poor boy. Still he kept quiet. Luckily, Redcould always wake him up and she never was resorted to getting Shiro. TypicallyKeith took an hour or two to calm down entirely and would return back to bed.He kept quiet, in fear that if he went to his dad with this problem then hisdad would be even more tired than usual.

               He wasstill working the same long hours and coming home tired, but he always putKeith first. He listened when Keith talked about his dad at school, gave Keitha bath and read him a story. They still ate dinner and desert together butKeith knew his dad was tired. And his dad would only be even more tired if hewoke him up in the middle of the night for a stupid old nightmare. Keith wouldbe ashamed if he couldn’t even handle this nightmares without his dad’s help.

               So,Keith didn’t say anything about the nightmares. Instead he suffered everynight, always in fear and running. Admittedly, if Shiro wasn’t so tired fromwork he would have noticed Keith’s lack of focus and energy quicker. But evenhe was running on fumes on some days.

               Keith’snights often went the same as tonight.

               Hecouldn’t run. He couldn’t scream.

               He was desperatelytrying to get away and clawing at the darkness around him. Tall, loomingcreatures of a gangly stature with grotesque skin and twisted featuressurrounded Keith. Their mouths were full of pointed teeth like razor sharpblades and their eyes were huge, pupil-less, and staring at him. Always staringat him.

               Hecould feel their breaths on his neck, making the hairs on his body raise. Hecould feel the tips of their claws dragging along his arms and his back. Nomatter how hard he fought to get away, Keith never moved from the place he wastrapped in.

               Therewere no doors. No windows. No way out.

               Theirclaws were always wrapped around his throat. His arms. His legs.

               Hecouldn’t breathe or scream. Terror was instilled in the blood of his body andhe needed to wake up. Wake up. Wake up.

               AndKeith would eventually awaken. Whether by himself or Red. He would always lieawake afterwards, trying to calm himself down. Sometimes he could fall backinto a dreamless sleep and sometimes he would lie awake until Shiro “woke” himup for school.

               Keithwas so tired.

               He wasstarting to become sluggish in his work and movements. He was nearly fallingasleep at school or during practice. Yet every time he almost fell asleep, hewould snap awake, terrified of the monstrous creatures that invaded his mind.

               They were everywhere.

               EventuallyShiro began to notice. He saw the dark circles under Keith’s eyes and the waythat Keith was growing more and more tired throughout the weeks. For a while,Shiro had chalked it up to his own tired imagination. He hadn’t been sleepinglately with the long work hours.

               Butsoon enough, Shiro noticed that it wasn’t his imagination and Keith was exhausted. His son looked like hehadn’t slept in weeks. Which was a concern, because Shiro always watched himfall asleep after reading a story and he always had to wake him up for school.

               Themore that Shiro observed his son, the more worried he got. Keith was strugglingto stay awake during simple things like breakfast or watching a movie. He wasstarting to fall behind in class and more than once, Shiro caught Keith workingon one page of homework for hours.Shiro felt his heart ache at the idea that something might be terribly wrongand he only noticed now. Shiro felt ashamed that he didn’t pay closer attentionto his son when Keith was most likely hurting.

               Whichled Shiro to request less hours with work, despite being the boss. Thankfully, hisemployees and the veterans were very understanding. Work was finally startingto slow down, pace-wise, so Shiro didn’t feel quite as guilty leaving earlierthan anyone. Soon, enough Shiro spent more time at home and his own sleeppatterns were improving until they were back to normal.

               Shirowas hoping that by changing his schedule and improving his exhaustion, the samewould happen to Keith if he was home more. However, nothing changed. Keith continuedto look more and more tired every day that past. It made Shiro’s heart squeezeand his chest tightened.

               What could be wrong? Shiro worried thatKeith wouldn’t come to him about anything being wrong, since he wasn’tadmitting anything quite yet. With each day that went by, Keith became more andmore withdrawn and Shiro’s worry only increased.

               Slowly,he tried to observe Keith’s sleep patterns and keep an eye out at night. Hewould stay awake downstairs for a few hours after Keith fell asleep and waited.He waited to see if Keith got up or moved around at all, but he never heardanything and eventually was forced to go to bed.

               Itwouldn’t do Keith any good if he was still exhausted.

               Unfortunately,that was when Keith’s nightmares usually started.

x.V.x

               Thistime it was different.

               Keithwasn’t trapped in a room without windows or doors. In fact, Keith was in hisown house. A perfect replica, right down to the hole above the stair railing, curtesyof Red and Uncle Kuro. The house was dark. Too dark.

               It feltlike the shadows around Keith were moving but he couldn’t see anything.Instead, he nervously wandered around the house, hearing only the sound of hisbare feet on the ground. The house was devoid of any noise. No snoring from hisdad or huffing from Red. Keith couldn’t even hear the obnoxious hum of therefrigerator. It was too quiet.

               Keithslowly felt something drag across his back and he opened his mouth to scream.

               Onceagain he couldn’t.

               Keithjumped back and this time he was able to run away, as a gangling monsteremerged from the shadows behind him. Its white eyes were bulging out of itsdeformed skull, scanning useless around the room. Yet, Keith could feel whenits eyes were on him.

               Hebolted out of the kitchen and into the dining room, only to stop dead in histracks.

               The TVwas on, but no sound came out. There was nothing on the screen save for ablank, white image. It illuminated most of the room, giving Keith a perfectview of the floor.

               Whereseveral bodies were splayed.

               Keithjerked back, wishing he could scream upon realization that these were people heknew. They were his uncle Kuro andhis grandmother and grandfather. Keith’s heart felt as if it were going toburst out of his chest.

               Theireyes were blank and unseeing, pupils clouded over (looking so much like those monsters) and their skin was paperwhite. The positions that their bodies were splayed in look painful andabnormal to Keith.

               “You cannot escape. We are here. You cannotescape. We are here.”

               Keithscrambled away from the TV after hearing a soft voice speak. He could seemovement within the shadows along the room and Keith bolted for the stairs. Heneeded to find his daddy – he had to make sure his daddy was okay.

               Along theway, Keith stumbled, silently crying out as more and more bodies piled up alongthe stairs and hallways. Each as pale and with eyes unseeing as Kuro and hisgrandparents.

               Lance, Hunk and Pidge.

               Uncle ‘Tok, and Ulaz. Uncle Kolivan.

               Allura. Coran.

               Even Red.

               Keithnearly threw himself into the room that was always his dad’s. He scrambled awayfrom the door when the shadows looking in the hallway, engulfing the pronebodies of his family. Ever so slowly, Keith turned around to find his dad’sroom empty. He stifled a silent sob and rubbed at his eye.

               “You cannot escape. We are here.”

               Keithcould feel a breath ghosting on his neck and claws scratching along his back.His heart leapt in to his throat and his eyes widened. He could feel his bodytrembling as he willed himself to scream or run. To do something.

               Yetwhen the creature turned Keith back around, Keith was met with the grotesquesite of a monster wearing his dad’s face, leering down at him.

               “Keith?”

               FinallyKeith screamed.

x.V.x

               Shirojumped back as if burned when Keith screamed loudly. This night he had stayedup later than usual, determined to find out the truth. He’d even crept towardsKeith’s room and waited to see if anything would happen. He was then pleasantlysurprised when Keith started whimpering and whining. And Shiro nearly slappedhimself.

               Nightmares. Of course it was nightmares.Shiro was no stranger to terrifying nightmares due to his PTSD. He was morethan a little upset that he hadn’t figured it out earlier because he knew firsthandhow bad a nightmare could get.

               Shirowas quick to enter Keith’s room where he saw his son writhering under his sheetsand quietly crying out. Red was up and doing her best to try and awaken hermaster but Shiro could tell it was doing nothing.

               “OhKeith,” Shiro breathed before racing over towards Keith’s bed. He quickly attemptedto untangle Keith from the sheets, ignoring how his heart broken when Keithflinched upon contact. “Keith? Sweetheart? Can you hear me? It’s daddy.”

               StillKeith wouldn’t wake up and his nightmare looked to be getting worse.

               “Keith?Keith? You’re okay!” Shiro tried repeatedly and still Keith wouldn’t waken. “Keith?”That was when Keith screamed a blood curdling scream. A scream that chilledShiro down to the bones and one that he felt in his soul. It was a scream fullof pure terror.

               “Keith!”Shiro tried again when Keith continued to scream. Desperately, Shiro pulledKeith into his arms and did his best to calm Keith’s flailing arms and rockhim. His heart was pounding and he could feel tears beginning to pool in hiseyes. “Keith, honey, I need you to wake up! Wake up! Wake up!”

               Shirofelt like took more than a few minutes before Keith’s eyes to snap open.Silence followed while Shiro and Keith stared at one another, before Keithburst into horrified screams. Afraid, Shiro tried to hug Keith closer only forKeith’s sobs to increase.

               “Hey,hey, hey, sweetheart, you’re safe!” Shiro whispered soothing, patting downKeith’s hair. “It’s okay. You’re okay. Nothing’s going to hurt you here. Daddy’sgot you. Daddy’ll protect you.” Shiro continued to soothe his son, rocking themboth back and forth. Keith’s sobs went on for a little while longer before hehad exhausted himself to pitiful sniffles.

               Finally,Keith spoke,” D-Daddy?”

               “Yeah,baby, it’s me. I’m right here.” Shiro whispered softly, looking directly intoKeith’s eyes. Keith’s eyes were searching all over Shiro’s face, looking for something.

               “Y-You’renot a m-monster?” And Shiro felt his heart crack again.

               “No,no. I’m not a monster. I’m your daddy. Right here and forever, my little star.”Shiro replied. Keith sniffled but that seemed to do the trick. Keith slowlycalmed down and nodded to himself. “Did you have a nightmare?” Shiro finallyasked when he realized Keith wasn’t going to say anything. He felt Keithstiffen in his arms, before eventually nodding.

               “Alright,I’m sorry. It sounded very frightening. Do you wanna talk about?” Shiro askedhesitantly.

               Keithwas silent for a bit. “It was so scary. I was so scared.” Keith whispered.

               “Iknow, I know. I bet it was awful, baby.” Shiro cooed.

               “Everyonewas dead. Uncle Kuro, grandpa, Hunk, Allura. Everyone.” Keith continued andShiro felt his stomach drop. This wasbad.

               “Everyone’sokay. I promise you that everyone is alive and sleeping right now. If you wantwe can call every one of them tomorrow just to be sure.” Shiro said. Keith didn’tsay anything but he did timidly nod. “Okay sweetheart, we’ll sit down and calleveryone in the morning so you can talk to them.”

               “Okay,”Keith whispered. Shiro didn’t say anything more a while longer.

               Eventually,he had to ask, “Keith, have you been having nightmares for a while now?”

               Keithlooked away.

               “Keith?”

               “…Yes.A few weeks.”

               “Ohsweetheart,” Shiro’s heart was breaking yet again. How did I not notice? “Why didn’t you say anything, or come to me?”

               “Youwere so tired. I didn’t want to wake you up for a dumb nightmare.” Keithadmitted.

               “No!Keith, it’s not dumb. That is no reason to not wake me up. I want to help you,and I can’t do that if you leave me in the dark.” Shiro said softly. “If I washaving nightmares, you wouldn’t want me to keep it a secret from you, wouldyou?”

               “Nodaddy.” Keith said quickly.

               “Then,even if I do have to work a lot, it doesn’t matter how tired I am or what timeit is, you can always wake me up ifyou’re scared.” Shiro explained as he stroked back Keith’s hair. “Promise methat no matter what, you’ll come to me if you get scared again?” He slowly heldout his pinky. It took a few minutes before Keith eventually linked pinkies.

               “Ipromise daddy.”

               “Thankyou, my star, now how about you sleep in daddy’s room for a while?”

               “Canlion and Red come too?”

               “Ofcourse, I expected them to come too.”

               In themorning, Shiro down with Keith and called everyone they knew. Most were surprisedto hear Keith calling them so early but after hearing Keith’s teary greetingand Shiro’s brief explanation, everyone was reassuring and promising to hangout with Keith as soon as they could.

               Keith’snightmares didn’t instantly go away but now that Shiro was aware of them, he wasthere to help Keith as much as he could.

[dmitri-smerdyakov]

Walter x Daniels - Headcanons (Part 1)

@walter-daniels

Alright, I have been wanting to do this for a while, if only to sort out the thoughts in my head for a Walter/Daniels fanfic ;) They're a work-in-progress right now, but I hope you guys like them anyway!

Okay, so ignoring that bullshit ending (what ending? It ended with Walter promising to help Daniels build a log-cabin, duh)…

They get to Origae-6 and it’s everything they could have hoped for, really; Walter awakens Daniels first because she’s the captain and then Tennessee. They go to check the planet out first before waking any colonists (after the last time they set down on a new planet, they’re not taking any chances) and it’s just like they had planned it to be. No threats in sight, no weird alien eggs, no deserted spaceships, no rogue blonde androids.

So they set about getting the colonists out and soon they start constructing the houses and village for the colony. Walter, even with one hand, proves to be a great help. There are a few wary glances because surely the captain knows she has to decommission him, he was just there for the journey but no one says a word. On Daniels’ request, a spare hand is found and attached to Walter (“Well, you’re more efficient this way,” She shrugs when he thanks her)

The question of what happened to the rest of the crew arises, of course, and Daniels has to decide whether to tell the truth or to spare them with a white lie. She doesn’t think that David will be able to find them, not unless he somehow finds another spaceship – and even so, it would be a seven year journey. However, surely the deceased crew deserve to be remembered and respected with honour, for their bravery? To her surprise, it’s Tennessee who suggests tweaking the truth – there would be no point in worrying the colonists, after all.

“There was a neutrino burst, and unfortunately we lost most of the crew because of it” – it’s not a lie, not really, but it’s not exactly the whole truth either.

After the final buildings have been constructed and the colony is celebrating, Walter approaches Daniels with the decommission pack and presents it to her silently. Tennessee pretends not to notice and puts some distance between himself and the two of them, suddenly interested in his beer.

Daniels just smiles weakly, “You still have to help me with my cabin – you’re not getting off that easy” – and for now that’s enough to make Walter nod in agreement because he did promise. She knows, however, that she won’t have that excuse forever.

They find a spot a short distance away from the colony, surrounded by beautiful foliage and by a lake; it’s perfect, just what her husband would have wanted. She hasn’t got a clue what the fuck to do, how to start, but Walter is more than adept; now with two hands, he helps to measure everything so that it’s correctly proportioned, memorises the blueprints and starts to help her replicate them.

Tennessee offers to help at first, but he steps down because he knows that this is something that Daniels and Walter have to do, just the two of them – he’d only be over-stepping a boundary, he feels.

It takes just over a month for the cabin to be built and finished, furnishings and all. Daniels feels unwell when she notices the bed that should have been for two and not one, when she looks around and wishes Jake were with her to celebrate – because this was what he dreamed of, why he had wanted to do this mission.

She spends that first night in the cabin alone, looking at photos of her husband and drinking beer that Tennessee has slipped to her. Walter leaves her, knowing that she needs some time alone. In the early hours after midnight, Daniels finds herself wishing that she’d asked Walter to stay with her – if only for some company.

The next afternoon, when Daniels rejoins the main colony area, Walter again presents her with the decommission pack – and she doesn’t have an excuse now really. At least, not a viable one. It’s her duty, she knows, as the captain to decommission Walter so that his parts can be used as building materials and the like, it’s what she has to do. She finds herself at a loss for words.

Tennessee steps in and jokes that they need his help taking apart the ship and storing things still – the colony is not completely settled just yet. Walter frowns, not quite understanding, but doesn’t argue.

Another week passes, and again Walter approaches Daniels with the decommission pack – she hesitates before making her decision right there and then: she can’t. She absolutely refuses to decommission him because she doesn’t know what she’d do without him.

“No, I’m not doing it.” Walter frowns. “But you are the captain. It is your duty-” “Fuck duty,” She interrupts. “I’m not decommissioning you, Walter. You’re a friend, and you deserve to be a part of this colony just as much as anyone else.” Tennessee just shrugs and grins. “You heard the lady – captain’s orders.”

Daniels starts to spend more and more time with Walter in the cabin they built; she doesn’t want to face the colonists, doesn’t want to have to force herself to smile for him – with Walter, he doesn’t care if she has to feel grief, she doesn’t have to pretend. Sometimes just knowing that he’s there, ready to listen and not make any judgements, is enough.

She has nightmares nearly every night, of course; about Jacob in the pod, about the aliens, about David. One night, she wakes sweating and crying – and she realizes that she doesn’t want to be alone, she doesn’t feel safe alone, so she throws one of Jacob’s old coats on and sets out for the colony area.

Walter doesn’t need to sleep, of course – he’s instead in a small tent reading to pass the time. He hears her footsteps and her breathing and exits the tent to find what’s wrong. To his surprise, Daniels is close to tears when she sees him and she wraps her arms around him; she doesn’t want to be alone, she’s terrified, so could he please just for tonight stay in the cabin with her? Not necessarily in the same room, she amends hurriedly, just in the cabin so that she knows she’s safe for the night.

It’s his duty to look after the crew and colonists, so he agrees immediately.

When Daniels awakes the next morning, hair sticking up and rings around her eyes, Walter is attempting to make her breakfast – he doesn’t eat it himself, but he thinks he knows how to make human food well enough.

(He really doesn’t – she nearly gags but she forces it down with a smile because it’s the thought that counts. She can teach him later how to scramble eggs, he’s a good learner)

That evening, as she retreats to the cabin after a day of dealing with the colonists, she looks back at Walter and hesitantly asks if perhaps he’ll stay the night again, just in the small area between the bedroom and the kitchen, so that she can feel safe. He sees no problems or errors with this, so he agrees and follows her there.

She has a nightmare that night about a dark creature ramming against glass, teeth bared, and she wakes screaming; Walter is there, checking her pulse and offering well-chosen words of comfort. Despite being a synthetic, his touch his surprisingly gentle and warm, and Daniels finds herself calming down. It’s not long until he soothes her back into sleep, albeit a short and groggy one that leaves her feeling tired – but not scared.

Within a few weeks, this has become the norm – and everyone has noticed it too. There are roughly two-thousand colonists, and it doesn’t take long for tongues to wag at the very idea that the captain is “shacking up” with an android of all things. Tennessee, the only one besides Walter and Daniels themselves, is the only one who knows the truth and he shuts down anyone who he hears bad-mouthing; the colonists like him because he is usually so easy-going, but on this topic he’s deadly serious.

As expected, it doesn’t take long at all before the colony begins to expand; pregnancies are being announced left and right, and it’s difficult to keep track of which couples are however far along. There are doctors in the colony, of course, but it’s surprisingly Walter who knows some of the best tactics to ease morning sickness or ease cramps. He knows how to work and fix equipment, he knows how far along each and every pregnant woman is, no confusion to be found, and the colony eases a tad with him – he is rather helpful.

And then, the following spring, someone goes into labour; it’s the first birth in the colony, and so everyone is rather on-edge – only Walter is unaffected, merely calculating the dilation of the cervix and estimating how long it will be until the baby arrives. His voice is smooth and comforting to the birthing mother, and he does not wince when she grips his hand so tight it would draw blood – if he had blood, that is. It takes a mere half an hour before the first ever baby – a girl – is squalling and kicking in the open.

Word spreads that Walter is a truly marvellous birthing partner; he doesn’t once lose his cool, remaining perfectly composed even as others are panicking. The colonists warm up to him even more, and everyone is suddenly glad that he wasn’t decommissioned. They overlook the fact that he spends every night in Daniels’ cabin for now – he’s only an android, after all, and the captain is mourning her husband still: nothing too untoward could be occurring, surely.

A couple of years after their arrival on Origae-6, Daniels realizes that she has feelings for Walter; she hadn’t thought she’d ever have feelings for another man, not after her husband, but she does – and it’s Walter, her friend, her confidante. Part of her argues that she should ignore it because he’s a synthetic and so it would be silly to assume – but then a wild, once-active part of her is stirring and it’s saying “who gives a fuck?” and “it’s now or never” because who knows what the future will bring?

Because this is Walter, and he is polite and sweet, it is Daniels who has to make “the first move”, and Walter hesitates for a number of reasons: for one, she is probably still grieving and saddened over the loss of her husband, so much so that she feels lonely. Secondly, he’s a synthetic and so he’s not sure that he can technically love like a human can – and that is not fair on Daniels, he feels. Finally, he’s sure that this would be crossing a line; Daniels has respect as the captain, and Walter is appreciated somewhat for his work, but the two of them together would be crossing a boundary that shouldn’t be crossed, surely.

Daniels, frankly, couldn’t give a fuck. “I don’t give a fuck,” She tells him with a shrug.

The truth is, however, that he’s somewhat hesitant because he does feel something for her – and he’s worried that this means he is becoming like David, that he is malfunctioning. A part of him is almost-afraid­ that he’s becoming dangerous, that he’ll be a threat to the colony – a threat to Daniels.

Suddenly two soft hands are on his face, a voice quiet and low; “you’re not anything like him,” She whispers firmly. “He was evil and deluded – but you, Walter, you’re good and kind.”

(A quick self-evaluation on himself reveals no malfunctions or short-circuits whatsoever, and a part of him is actually a bit relieved)

Daniels’ cabin becomes their cabin – it always has been, really, but now it’s slightly more official.

Nothing greatly changes, really; he does not sleep in the bed with her, though sometimes he will sit on the side until she falls asleep – and he is always close by in case he’s needed. He still makes awful breakfasts and tells awful jokes that make her laugh and wrinkle her nose. Now they hold hands in the privacy of the cabin; awkward kisses on the top of her head become more natural and fluid as they grow into their relationship.

It takes a few weeks before she notes that they haven’t actually kissed yet; Walter cocks his head and asks if that is something she would like. Daniels grins and clarifies that it’s only if he wants to because he’s not going to be forced into anything just because he’s a synthetic. He considers for a moment before giving a nod and deciding that yes, he does want to kiss her. It’s not exactly a perfect first kiss, it takes him a moment to learn and memorise the technique, but she’s smiling brightly afterwards and that makes him happier than he thought he would be.

More to come – stay tuned! :)

[frommountainstolonestars]

An Open Letter to A7X

To Avenged Sevenfold:

Before I start this letter, let me just preface it with the fact that I have been having some hand/nerve issues and my writing may become disjointed because of that.

I first found out about y’all four—almost five—years ago. The reason I got into y’all is probably a little different than other fans. I’m an avid reader and one of the books I read said to understand the book better, the reader needed to look up the lyrics to “Dear God” by Avenged Sevenfold and then to listen to it. So, like a good reader, I did. I fell in love with that song and had to hear more from this band. (I thought y’all were country). The second song I heard was “Hail to the King” and the change in pace and tempo made me love the band even more. I bought that album (it had just come out) and started listening to all of your other songs. It took about six months for me to get through all the albums, but when I had, you had all awakened a part of me I didn’t know existed.

From my appreciation of your music, I started looking into other hard rock and heavy metal bands. Obviously, I knew who Metallica was, but I started digging into more of their stuff and even got into Judas Priest and Pantera, bands my parents hated and bands I thought I would never like.

When I got my resident assistant job, I was listening to “MIA” and that song became my lucky one. Unfortunately, some things in my life happened that might have torn down another person. It was y’all and other metal bands that helped me through.

You see, I’m a soon-to-be college graduate who has had a difficult six years, but the last two years of my life have been rougher than I ever expected them to be.

It all started in November 2015 when I got this terrible lower abdominal pain. I thought it was cramps or ovulation pain; the emergency room in Texas couldn’t find anything wrong with me. Flash forward to winter break, and I’ve had this pain for four weeks now. My wonderful mom got me into a surgeon, and I’d never been more nervous. I’d only had my wisdom teeth removed, so an actual surgery terrified me. They took me in and let me listen to a couple of songs (“Gunslinger” and “Strength of the World”) before I went under. It turned out I had two ruptured cysts and appendicitis. I easily could have gotten a terrible infection from either.

Time wears on, and I head back to my university (University of North Texas, go Mean Green!). I’m an athlete, have been for most of my life. I run/ran three times a week. My knee started to dislocate when I ran, but I could just pop it back in place. Eventually, it got to the point where running and even walking hurt too much. I waited until summer and returned home to see what the hell was wrong.

From all my years of soccer and running, and continuing to play soccer after a knee injury five years ago, I had torn the ligament that attaches my femur to my patella—the most rare knee surgery. A week before my knee surgery, my incredibly wonderful mother found out that my alcoholic father had stolen and gambled away $3,000 from their joint account. That same say, my father found out that his mother was dying. He flew out to San Antonio to deal with that situation. Mom started the process for divorce. Literally an hour before my knee surgery, I found out my grandmother had died.

When I woke up, I was in the worst pain of my life. My knee had to be immobile for four weeks before I could start physical therapy. I was up every four hours to take Percocet, which we later found out I’m allergic to. Having my leg (my dominate leg) taken away from me and not being able to do things for myself filled me with anger. A lot of what helped me through was y’all and bands similar to you. Post-knee surgery me was the worst, but your music helped me through.

Fast forward again, and I’m now back at school in my final year (Fall 2016) and my life was looking up. I found a publisher for my books, I would be turning 21 in November, and I’d get to see my favorite band with my best friend at Texas Mutiny.

Texas Mutiny was the most incredible concert of my life. I smuggled my DSLR camera in (don’t tell anyone) and captured some of the best photos of my life. That concert helped me figure out what I wanted to do with my photojournalism degree. And for my 21st birthday, my friends surprised me with a signed vinyl of The Stage and several of your CDs. It cheered me up because my birthday was on Election Day and very few people remembered it… which was understandable.

However, my life can’t always be sunshine and rainbows. Nine days before my birthday, I was rushed to the ER after puking up my guts. The ultrasound technician found five ovarian cysts. Three of them were the size of my uterus, and I needed immediate surgery. Because I’m a college student “immediate” meant my next time off. My Thanksgiving break was recovery and more of your music. My wonderful mom came down to Denton to help me through that surgery.

My 2016 winter break was spent writing and getting my older sister to listen to your songs. She really enjoys the white album and even some songs on The Stage. I also examined that album and just fell in love with basically every song. My cover for my book came in, and I got inspired to write a collection of short stories based on songs. My favorite bands are featured quite a bit… I hope that’s okay.

Now, I’m back at school again and my stomach pain comes back. Two months after surgery and the ovarian cysts were back. But something even worse happened at the end of January 2017. I’m a writer and a photographer who depends on her hands for work and stress relief.

At the end of January, my hands started to malfunction. They can’t fully flex of fist, they’re always cold, they get numb and tingling, my wrists and elbows hurt, and my joints are very stiff. My spring break was spent back in Reno getting tests done. They ruled out anything wrong with my central nervous system—thank god—but the pain still remains. And I was scared. I’m still scared actually. I have psoriatic arthritis and it’s incurable. Really the only things helping me are music, the Deathbat nation, my friends, and my mom. To make matters worse, my father had two heart attacks and two surgeries right before I came home. He only has maybe 2-5 years left. He’s an asshole, but I love him.

I know that was the longest intro ever, and y’all are probably wondering why I’m writing this at all at this point. My name is Carmen, and I’m a photojournalist (almost) and recently published author who just wants to thank you guys for everything you’ve done for me and the other fans. So here’s my long list of thank yous.

To all the guys: thank you for forming Avenged Sevenfold. Without you coming together, I wouldn’t have found a lot of my friends. Your music has gotten me through some of the most difficult situations in my life and your music has inspired my writing and made me a better person (the writing portion). There’s something about your music that just speaks to people and has made my life so much brighter. I can’t wait to see you and Metallica in June!

To Brooks: I know you haven’t been with the band long, but I’m glad you’re with them! I loved your drumming when you were with Tenacious D and Bad Religion. You definitely remind me of the dad friend out of all the guys, and I think it’s awesome to see what you add to the band. Your drumming on The Stage is also INSANE. I love what you did on “Angels.”

To Johnny Christ: I don’t think you’re a gnome for starters. You’re much taller than my short ass. All jokes aside, I love how you are on stage. You exude so much passion and energy; I wish I had gotten more photos at Texas Mutiny. You sing/shouting on “Nightmare” also adds a little depth to the song and never fails to put a smile on my face. Oh! Congrats on your son.

To Zacky V: I’m ambidextrous because I have to be from the hand issues, and I so rarely see left-handed musicians that every time I watch you play, it gives me hope. I’m not musically inclined at all, but knowing a lefty is out there brightens my day. You have such an awesome style and your skill with the guitar is out of this world. I hope we can get more solos from you.

To Synyster: dude, you are one of the best guitarists I’ve heard, excluding Santana. I could pick your style out so easily. The work you’ve done with A7X and Pinkly Smooth just blow me away. I can’t believe someone can have talent and skill like that. You are a guitar god, Mr. Haner.

To Shadows: as a writer, I most easily connect with words. Your lyrics speak to me on a spiritual level (which is probably why I have so many tatted on me). You have a way with words. And your voice is so unique and every time I hear “Dear God,” I remember why this band became my favorite. Just, thank you for doing what you do.

To the women of A7X (Val, Michelle, Lacey, Megan, etc.): thank you guys for being you. I hope you know how much love the Deathbat nation has for you. Without your support, the band probably wouldn’t be where they are (no offense guys).

To the fans: thank you guys! I have met so many amazing people through this band. Y’all have helped me through a lot, and I’ve met some good friends through it. Sevenfold has cultivated a fan base unlike any other, and I’d like to thank every Deathbat for who they are and for being so caring and for taking care of me.

So, I just want to say thank you from a fan who’s been through a lot and has made it through thanks, in part, to your music and the most supportive mother ever. The only thing I have to add is that my dream is to one day meet y’all and thank y’all in person. And this final part is going to sound so fucking cheesy, but I hope y’all sign my Deathbat and that the writer side of me gets to write your extended (not brief) biography.

Thanks again for all you have done.

 Sincerely,

Carmen

[violent-optimism]

The Phantom Menace - Review (Lengthy!)

Hooooooo boy.....

Buckle up boys and girls, Sam’s about to share with you her new, updated, critical thoughts on what is widely considered one of the most horrible films ever made, and the movie that completely disrespected it’s own franchise:

Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace (1999)

So I will try to keep this review as concise and mature as I possibly can, although I do admit that I will probably fail at least a little bit. Go off on a tangent, get too irritated, etc. But other than that, happy reading! And let me know what you think, if you like. So, what did I think of this movie as a kid? I think I’m in the same boat as a lot of people when I say that when I was little, I actually quite enjoyed this film. I liked the visuals, I related to young Anakin, I don’t think I loved Jar Jar but I definitely didn’t hate him. Overall I think I found it pretty decent. However....this afternoon, I tried, I really did. I tried to ignore everything negative that Red Letter Media, Chris Stuckmann and pretty much everyone else on the internet said about this movie. And I really DO NOT care for this movie much, if at all.

There’s a lot to talk about so let’s get started, and as I usually do with my reviews, I’ll get the cons out of the way first, cause buddy, there’s a LOT of them. And while I could go on forever about every single tiny thing I disliked about this movie, I’m gonna stick to the main things that bothered me. Here we go!

Jar Jar FUCKING Binks.

So, what have I said about Jar Jar that hasn’t been said before? He’s completely annoying, a stupidly written character, he couldn’t even entertain a three year old and his role in the movie is completely pointless. However, the one thing that I discovered about Jar Jar that no one else had pointed out yet was the fact that he is completely INCOMPREHENSIBLE. Like, there were so many moments where I seriously, with my adult-ears, could not understand what he was saying. And I even wondered if I was supposed to? Was he just talking gibberish sometimes? Who the hell knows, not this girl!

Almost every actor is emotionless.

Besides Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Ian McDiarmid and (I can’t believe I’m saying this) Jake Lloyd, pretty much every single actor or actress in this film has a very stoic, deadpan and wooden performance. They’re like god damn robots, reading lines off a script like a text-to-speech program. It doesn’t make the viewer feel very invested when the actors themselves do not seem to be invested. It’s just so disappointing because actors like Samuel L. Jackson and Natalie Portman DO have talent! I know they do! But this script is so fucking terrible and they probably loathed every second they were on screen that their line delivery ended up being boring and emotionless.

Too much CGI and BAD CGI.

Something I noticed while I was watching this movie, I already knew that the Star Wars Prequels generally suffer from an over-use of CGI (Computer generated imagery for those who don’t know), but the Phantom Menace’s CGI is by far the WORST of the trilogy. It just looks so BAD I can’t even put into words how ugly it is. It really makes you wanna cringe when you look at it, it’s almost like you stumbled upon something that was still in the early stages of development, except it’s NOT. This is the ACTUAL CGI from the finished film. No thanks, I’ll take my practical effects and CGI that actually looks GOOD (TFA anyone?)

The film’s pace is horribly inconsistent.

This is something that not too many people have really talked about regarding TPM. But I definitely noticed it this time around, the film’s pace is completely inconsistent and all over the place. It’s like it can’t decide whether to be fast or slow, and the slow moments go by fast and the fast moments go by slow, if that makes any sense. For example, the pod-race scene, while visually stunning, takes FOREVER to finish. Whereas the scene where Padme and Anakin have a conversation in the ship feels like three seconds. Basically, I found myself, saying out loud a lot of the time: “Oh my god this scene is taking forever...” or, oppositely, “this is going by too fast!” And lastly, nothing in this film makes hardly any sense!

A lot of people, including me, have a lot of questions about the plot of this movie, as there are probably hundreds of plot holes and things that don’t make a lot of sense, but if I went through all of them we’d be here all day, I’ll just take out a tiny sample:

Why is there a child sized helmet in the ship? Why the hell are mitichlorians a thing? What is the Trade Federation exactly? Why is the Jedi Council so strict and mean? Why is there a child sized helmet in the ship? Why did the Emperor want the Queen to sign that treaty so badly? Why the hell do they make Jar Jar a general? What are those pink barrier shields during the light saber fight? Why are they there? Why is Qui-Gon so reckless for a Jedi Knight? WHY IS THERE A CHILD SIZED HELMET IN THE SHIP??

You get my point, basically, I couldn’t go ten seconds watching this movie without going: “Wait, what? Why did that happen? I don’t get it.” Basically, Lucas is a much better director than he is a writer. And while he was a creative genius and really worked his magic with the first Star Wars, it’s clear that something went horribly wrong with his skills. This is what happens when a man with a lot of money and a lot of authority gets to do whatever he wants in a movie and no one questions him. I think if people had, these prequels would have turned out a lot differently.

Now there are two, yes, only TWO pros in this movie I would like to talk about. There are more, such as the film’s score and production design, but I just wanna focus on two cause this is getting to be pretty lengthy already.

At least this movie is original.

No one will ever look at the Phantom Menace and say “Oh it was just a copy of a New Hope!” The film makers didn’t stick to what they knew, they actually took a big risk, lots of big risks actually. Did it pay off? No, but I give them credit for at least TRYING, and I agree with George Lucas when he says that the film industry is “terrified” of creativity and they’re afraid to take risks, because for the most part that is true. There will never be another film like the Phantom Menace (thank god), but also because of how original and creative the planets, creatures and props are. The Phantom Menace makes us appreciate the Original trilogy better.

This is also true for the other prequels of course, but we are talking about this specific movie. Basically, as I watched this movie, it made me appreciate just how much better the Original Star Wars movies are. When I see Natalie Portman’s wooden, stoic acting, it makes me think about how life-like and stubborn Carrie Fisher was as Princess Leia (Rest in Peace). When I see glossy, fake, and perfect looking sets in TPM, I think about how cozy and rustic Yoda’s hut looks in the Empire Strikes Back. My point here folks, is that probably the best thing about The Phantom Menace and indeed, all the Star Wars prequels, is that they make us really appreciate and admire the old trilogy and just how basically perfect those films are. When this nightmare of a movie finally ended, what I wanted to do more than anything was pop in one of the old Star Wars movies, or heck, even the Force Awakens! It doesn’t matter which one I choose, I know it’s gonna be better than what I just saw.

So in conclusion, yeah this movie really sucks. However, I can see SOME people finding it a little enjoyable. The Pod racing scene is actually pretty good even though it’s a lot longer than it needs to be. The light saber fight is exciting and well-choreographed, and it’s always interesting to see new planets and people in the Star Wars universe. Unfortunately, it’s not enough to save this film from horrible CGI, wooden acting, an awful script and bad pacing. I don’t really recommend this film to anyone, unless your kids REALLY wanna see the Star Wars prequels. They might enjoy this film, but they probably won’t once they get older. I know I definitely won’t show this movie to my kids unless they beg me.

I will give Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace  2/10.

[theroseandcrown]

The Rose & Crown: Chapter Twelve

Rating: M Chapters: 12/24

Summary: Something is calling to Clara in her dreams. She realizes there is more truth than the Doctor has been letting on. His plan to protect her from the grasp of his enemies has caused more harm than good. Clara tries to take matters into her own hands, even if that means letting go of her best friend.

Read this story on another platform: Archive of Our Own Fan Fiction WattPad

The embers burned bright as they devoured the remaining fragments of the once standing structure, spreading like a virus within the ruins of what once was. A blanket of ash filtered through the air like fog as the flames began to subside amongst the wreckage of the large factory. The surrounding scorched earth was littered with the debris of mangled limbs torn from their inhuman frames. From within the settling dust, a figure parted its way through the dense smoke, rising from the ashes like a phoenix. Its flesh, barren of garments and unscathed by the devastation surrounding it, strode through the fiery path like an indestructible army leaving the remains of the structure behind it. As the figure drew farther from the heated source, its skin was welcomed by the icy chill of the night’s most recently departed snowfall. Gazing towards the clear night’s sky, the moonlight pierced the darkness providing the only source of light for miles in any direction. Its brilliant beams shined brightly over every reflective surface it could inhabit. The being turned its head towards a glistening object buried halfway under the fresh powder. It approached with curiosity, slowly reaching down to spare it from its inevitable fate. As it brought the object closer for inspection, the powdered snow fell off its surface to reveal a familiar sight; a dark mask. It’s scorched outer layers retained most of its original integrity, the shaded glass still intact. The being ran its fingers gently over its recognizable features. Bringing the mask to its face, it glared at the new reflection displayed upon its surface. Her amber hair burned brighter than the flames she had resurrected from. Her eyes, once cold and calculated, were now consumed with vengeance and hatred. The scars of war she once wore proudly like a badge of conquest had vanished. Her once youthful features had been upgraded to a level of maturity matching her experience and wisdom.

As Quynn took in every detail of her new form, a disturbing presence could be felt from behind her as if it were waiting for the right moment to strike. Tilting the mask, its shaded glass caught the distinctive reflection of a familiar life form. It stood but an arm’s length away as if it had suddenly appeared out of thin air. Like a phantom merely passing through the world of the living. Quynn recognized the lucid apparition immediately. Its unforgettable terrified expression had been burned into her memory not so long ago. The first menacing smile of her new body was born the moment their eyes shared a connection, a moment which would fully ignite her inevitable pursuit for revenge.

Quynn knew that of all the phrases in all the languages of the universe, there was only one thing she wanted to say to this unfortunate soul she now sought to destroy. One undeniable truth that would follow it wherever it fled. The single most terrifying thing it would forever fear until its inescapable death. Breaking the silence between them, she finally addressed the infiltrator of her mind.

“I’m coming for you, Clara.”

********************

Clara gasped for breath as she flung the blanket off her trembling body and brought herself to a sitting position. A cold sweat clung to her damp brow as the nightmare started to fade from her consciousness. She observed her surroundings. The fragments of her last attainable memories began to bleed back into her mind. She had awoken on the couch, assuming the Doctor had placed her there after she fainted. Peering down the length of her, she noticed her day dress and corset had been removed leaving her modestly clothed within her remaining undergarments. As she recalled the moments prior to the darkness befalling her, she realized the pain from the tearing inside of her had subsided bearing no trace of its former existence. Looking around the console room of the TARDIS, she discovered she had been left unaccompanied. There was no sign of the Doctor anywhere to be found, leaving her alone within her silence.

The TARDIS seemed eerily quiet without the presence of the Doctor banging together some project he was working on. Not that she hadn’t been left to wander the ship on her own before. She had many fond memories of it entertaining herself by hiding Clara’s room from her while they were in the getting-to-know-one-another phase of their relationship. The ship had a way of feeling much smaller whenever the Doctor occupied her as if his larger-than-life persona filled the empty spaces inside of it. The thought of going out to look for him crossed her mind when the door opened and he walked in shaking the snow off his clothing.

“Doctor?” she called, alerting him to her newly awakened state.

“Ah, Clara!” he replied, smiling in her direction. “Good, you’re awake!” He rubbed his hands together for warmth and headed towards her. “How are you feeling?”

“A bit of brand new. Is that what you feel after regenerating?”

“Uh, well, more or less. At least you have the fainting part down.”

“How long was I out?” she asked, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

“Long enough for me to get a head start on our next course of action.”

“Which is?”

“I’ve just spoken with the Ood Council. They’ve agreed to let us stay as long as necessary while we shelter ourselves from the reach of anyone who might still be looking for us. Let’s just say they owe me a few favours.”

“Good to know there’s still one race of people not trying to kill you.” She cautiously stood to ensure there were no after-effects from her recent endeavours and brought herself down to him as he fiddled with the view-screen. “Doctor,” she began delicately, “exactly how long do we intend to stay here?”

“As long as needed until I am certain we are no longer being tracked. This is the safest place I can think of. So long as you are here, no one will be able to find you.”

“You mean Quynn, don’t you,” She observed the old man’s avoiding brow as he pretended not to have heard her. “She’s still alive, isn’t she,” she pressed further. He chose to remain silent on the matter. “I feel we are being connected somehow, I’ve seen her in my dream. But something about her is different now, something darker. She scares me, Doctor. It’s as if something is trying to tell me she’s still alive. And intends to kill me.” He continued to ignore his companion’s words as his eyes searched for a distraction. “But you already knew that. You’ve known since before we left London, haven’t you,”

He hung his head and sighed. He hoped she would have felt safer believing their daughter to be dead and not on the hunt to find them. “Yes,” he finally answered.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Well, at the time I didn’t think it was important. I had other precious matters to attend to, such as saving your life. You’re welcome, by the way.”

“So that was your big master plan, was it? To just go on letting me believe I had killed her?”

“There is no ‘master plan’! It’s just you and me against all the odds. While we stand here wasting time arguing over what hasn’t been said, another moment we could be preparing ourselves is lost while Missy and Quynn seize the opportunity to plan their next attack.”

“Spoken like a true soldier. Maybe Danny wasn’t so far off about you after all.”

The Doctor rolled his eyes in frustration. Their stubbornness was equally matched, like two rams in the heat of battle with each other for dominance. And he loved her even more for it. “Alright,” he started, turning around to face her. “I can see there’s something on your mind. You have my undivided attention, ask away.”

“When you brought us here, did it even occur to you how much time hiding away from danger would buy us? How long do you think it will take before they eventually find us? We cannot hide here forever. You must have some kind of plan for getting us out of this.”

“And what if I don’t? Staying here is the best case scenario we have for ensuring our survival. Out there nothing is certain. What would you have us do? Walk right up to our enemy’s doorstep armed with nothing but our wit and demand they surrender?”

“Wouldn’t be so far out of character for you.”

He frowned at her humour. “There is much more at stake here than the chance to make a fool out of those who would try to cross me. I will not allow them to take you from me no matter the mistakes I’ve made or the promises I swore to keep.”

“And what about what I want? You may be able to wait an eternity hoping they will give up trying to find us, but I do not have that luxury. I have a life, I have people who care about me. I cannot just abandon them.”

“We’re in a time machine, Clara. I can take us back whenever you want. All I ask is for you to allow me a little time to find a way out of my deal with Missy. Once we are safe, I can take you back home.”

“Time is not something I have plenty of right now, Doctor. How much more time do you need from me? In case you’ve forgotten, I’m still carrying your child. You might think that Danny is nothing more than a brainless soldier, but I’m pretty sure he’ll figure out where I’ve been when he comes home from visiting his friends to find a baby in my arms!”

“Yes, well, I could see how that might look a bit suspicious.”

“You think?!” Clara tried to calm herself as her frustration took hold of her emotions. “What exactly do you plan to do then if this baby comes and we are still stuck here on this planet?”

“The TARDIS has everything we need if it were to come to that.”

“Have you ever delivered a baby before?”

“Of course I have!” he assured her. “Although, it was a very long time ago during my second visit to Aridius. A female from the Mire Beast tribe of octopus-people was giving birth. Well, the baby sort of pulled itself out on its own. But I helped. Now that I think about it, it may have been River who assisted with the actual delivery part. But I was there, somewhere, in the background. Anyway, how hard can it be?”

“Thank you, Doctor. You’ve been very reassuring.”

He smiled and placed his hands on her shoulders. “There’s absolutely nothing to worry about. No matter what happens, I will take care of both of you.” He leaned in and gently kissed her forehead, then released her and excitedly headed for one of the bookshelves on the upper platform.

“Doctor,” she tried to stop him before he started planning whatever thought was pulsating through his mind.

“Besides, I can prepare whatever you may need in the meantime right here on the TARDIS!” He pulled a book off the shelf and flipped through its pages. “I found some materials that might be able to guide us through this. Look, this one here! It’s filled with all sorts of, uh, interesting information!”

“Doctor- ...wait, hang on. Have you been reading pregnancy books?”

“Well, I thought that maybe you could read it and just paraphrase the important parts.”

She rolled her eyes and tried to pull him back to reality. “Doctor, listen. I-”

“I know it’s been a while since I’ve done this. Although, I’m fairly certain not much has changed in the past two thousand years.” He slowly headed down the stairs trying to find the words he’d been housing since the moment he discovered she was with child. The look in her big brown eyes drew him in like a drug as he approached her. “I know I’m not much to look at, and the TARDIS isn’t exactly the safest place to raise a child, but I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to make this just as much a home to you as it is to me.”

“Doctor, please.” She found it nearly unbearable to look him in the eyes. His resounding happiness was overwhelming. Her mind was constantly at war with itself over how she truly felt about him. Always torn between whether to ignore her fears and embrace his open arms or slap him for being so stupid at times. As often as he put her right in the middle of real danger, she knew there was no denying how much he truly cared for her. Despite her feelings towards him, she still felt as though there was something terribly wrong going on inside her mind. Something she knew she had no control of since the moment their memories were wiped. She noticed not only a change in herself but in him as well. It was as if he was letting go of everything that made him who he was for the sake of her safety. She knew the reason he continued to keep companions around after those he had witnessed perish before her was because they offered a glimpse into humanity he could never quite reach. They kept him from a path of destruction, always reminding him of the promise he swore to keep. And yet, the longer she stayed around him, the more she felt those responsibilities to each other being compromised.

“Just say you’ll stay.” His softened gaze remained hopeful he would win her over with his attempt to charm her.

She held back her tears as the burning in her throat made it difficult to speak. “I can’t. I’m sorry, Doctor. But I must go back.”

He couldn’t help the wounded expression that formed at her words. He knew she didn’t owe him anything after everything he put her through. Yet he still felt hurt that his efforts to mend what he had broken were being unreasonably rejected by her. “Clara, the second we leave this atmosphere we are at risk of being discovered. Beyond this world, I cannot protect you.”

“Oh? Like you protected me on Prima Nova? Or from being kidnapped? Or how you thought it would be better to sacrifice yourself and leave me in the hands of our enemies?”

“That’s fair, I deserve that. You’re angry with me.”

“Of course I’m angry with you! All I wanted to do was go on a date with my boyfriend. But you had to literally drag me into another one of your perilous adventures. It was you who answered the phone, it was you who put us in that carriage, and it was you who forced us into hiding on this alien planet billions of miles from everyone I know and love!”

“Everyone?” he whispered, almost too afraid and ashamed to ask.

“Not to mention you traded our daughter away before I even knew I was carrying her! If it weren’t for you, none of this would have happened! Just when I thought there was finally starting to be some normality in my life, you had to be so, so...”

“What?”

“You!” She sighed, attempting to calm her frustration and speak to him the only way he would understand. Taking a step towards him, she placed her hands into his and tried to remain confident in his presence. “I may never be able to forgive you for what you’ve done, but I understand why you did it. I can only imagine what it must have been like for you to have been put in a position where you were forced to give your child away to save me. To have to choose between my life and whatever future may lie ahead for our daughter. We have seen what she will become. We know that whatever happens, only one thing is certain. My fate is unavoidable. Whatever is coming for me cannot be escaped. We may be safe for now, but who’s to say she won’t be waiting for us to return? What if she decides to harm my family or go after my students in an attempt to lure me out? Don’t you see? I cannot hide from this. What has been done is done. I must face whatever the consequences will be.”

“Clara, please,” he tried to stop her before she made up her mind.

“Doctor, you have been the best friend I’ve ever had. Travelling with you has given me more than just a glimpse into your world or the thrill of adventure. It has given me something I will cherish for the rest of my life. You have shown me what it means to be human more than you even know. You may have needed me to keep yourself from falling down the wrong path, but I needed you as well. Not just to save me all the time, but to show me how it felt to save others. That every person is important, especially you. There are people out there who still need the Doctor. There are still lives in need of saving without even knowing what they are waiting for is a man in a blue box to show up and offer them hope. The universe is so much bigger than you and I, and right now it needs you. Our daughter is out there enslaving people and building up her armies. There is only one person I know of that can stop her.”

He lowered his head and concentrated on keeping the look of disappointment from spreading across his face, his focus drawn to the life inside of her being gently pressed between them. His hands found their way to either side of his companion’s extended form and protectively caressed the curves housing his growing child. The maternal glow about her was simply breathtaking. The more his child grew inside of her, the more irresistible she had become. As his fingers carefully grazed over the surface of her middle, a great sadness came over him. He knew she was asking him to let her go. To show him that his feelings for her were undoubtedly his greatest weakness and had been preventing him from continuing to be what he knew he must. His fears were becoming his reality as he realized the Persuader’s hold on him was succeeding in its quest to dominate his mind. The more he tried to fight it, the weaker he became as if it were syphoning all of his energy to ensure he would submit to its will. He felt exhausted both in mind and body. Going up against Missy and his daughter without Clara there to remind him of what he was fighting for made him question his capabilities. But even more upsetting to him was that giving up Clara meant he would never be able to experience how it felt to live the life he could have with her over the never-ending desire to prove himself worthy of his title. As long as he remained the Doctor, there would always be lives in need of saving. “Will there never be peace? Can I never rest?”

An understanding smile formed over her face as she gently raised her hand and placed it tenderly on his cheek. “That is entirely up to you. But I will not be your reason.”

He stared deeply into her eyes and forced the only smile permitted in her presence. “Oh, Clara. My Clara. What would I ever do without you?”

“Be the Doctor,” she answered, continuing to cradle his cheek in her hand. “Time for you to take me home, old man.”

He took her hand in his and gently kissed the top of it, taking in as much of her warmth as he could before she left him for what could be the last time. His eyes charted every inch of her mesmerising gaze before nodding his head in acknowledgement of her request. “Whatever you say, boss.”

[angelbabymommy]

Where do I begin? How do I tell this story? I guess the only way I know how.

I am 32 years old, I have carried and birthed 5 beautiful babies into this world, children I am thankful for each day, even more so now. Children I am blessed to hug, laugh with, make memories, and love always.

March 7, 2020 I gave birth to my fifth child. My partner and I both agreed we didn’t want another child for some time and I made the decision to use birth control. I was using the Xulane birth control patch. All was well.

In June 2020 I realized I hadn’t started a period. Surely I wasn’t pregnant but just to be safe we took a test, imagine our surprise to see two lines! Wait! What just happened!?!

It was overwhelming. We were scared. But we accepted it. My partner and I were warming up to the idea of another baby to adore. I found a midwife, I found a hospital that would allow me to have the water birth I always dreamed of having. I was going to stay team green and have my partner announce the gender of our baby to me at birth. I also had decided this would be my last baby for good. I began to envision this life with this child. I felt strongly and deeply in my heart it was a little girl. My heart was overjoyed.

July 14, 2020 we had our first ultrasound scan. We measured 6 weeks! Our baby had a heartbeat, 108 bpm. Everything looked normal. They scheduled us for a follow up scan for two weeks later. During those two weeks I experienced some nausea, my tests were still blazing positive. I craved foods and I was tired. But I was happy.

July 31, 2020 I should have been 8 weeks 3 days. We would see an even bigger baby with an even stronger heartbeat! I couldn’t wait, I had looked forward to this day so much. But when we did the scan my heart sunk. I am not an expert by no means but I’ve had enough babies and scans to know what we should have seen and we were not seeing that. The nurse said it was inconclusive. But I knew, I knew it wasn’t inconclusive. I knew my baby was gone. Taken from me. Why? What had I done wrong? I didn’t drink or do drugs. I took my prenatal vitamins every night before bed.

I came out to the car and burst into tears. Barely able to speak. I was a blubbering mess. My boyfriend was in denial. He didn’t want to believe it. He wanted a second opinion. My body didn’t warn me. It gave me no indication that something was wrong. It still believed it was pregnant. Why oh why? By Monday I began spotting pink. I knew my body was finally beginning to realize what had happened, that we lost the baby. It’s funny people say lost the baby, as if I somehow misplaced it. I didn’t lose it. Where did it go?

Tuesday I saw my old OB who had delivered my other babies. She remained optimistic. She drew blood. She wanted to check my hcg count before proceeding. The next day, Wednesday, August 5, 2020 my Dr called. My hcg count was 2500, that’s normal for a 6 week pregnancy. I knew then my baby had stopped developing right after that first scan. My pink spotting was beginning to turn more red and a bit more heavy.

That night around 7 PM I began bleeding uncontrollably. I was getting blood all over myself and my bathroom. My four year old was scared repeatedly asking me if I was okay. I assured him I would be okay. I finished making dinner, feeding my kiddos and bathing everyone and getting them off to bed. At that point I was soaking a pad in less than an hour. I tried to shower, to get blood off me, but blood poured out of me. It was like a scene from a horror film. I began passing clots. Some were as big as my hands. I started feeling weak, dizzy and faint. Any time I stood I would see spots and darkness. I knew this wasn’t normal.

My boyfriend had to leave for work. He works the overnight shift. Fortunately my mom was here. I hadn’t even announced my pregnancy yet but I had the unfortunate experience of having to explain to her what was going on. As I crawled my way out of the shower trying to dress myself with blood still running down my legs, my mom petrified, she called 911.

The ambulance rushed me to the hospital. My blood pressure remained stable. My heart was pounding against my chest, it was in a state of tachycardia. My hemoglobin levels were low at a 10. The nurse assigned to me immediately set up an IV, took blood and urine. The ER doctor said my hcg levels were now at 1700, they were definitely going down. Another ultrasound scan confirmed the pregnancy was no longer viable. At that point the doctor felt comfortable administering me medication to help with the cramping and bleeding.

They did a pelvic exam. The ER doctor gently used a speculum to open me up and used forceps to remove clots, lots of clots. Once he believed he had gotten them all he could get to my ER nurse took wipes and began cleaning my legs and feet for me. My bleeding began to slow down. My heart rate was still high though. Even after IV fluids my hemoglobin levels had gone down another 2 points. They wanted me to stay overnight, they talked about a possible D&C and blood transfusion.

But I couldn’t stay. My boyfriend at work, my grandma refusing to help and my mom having her own health issues (osteoarthritis & fibromyalgia) I had to make it home to my other kids. I sadly had to sign myself out of the hospital against medical advice. At 2 in the morning I waited for my Uber to take me home. I sat in the backseat of someone’s car wearing the pants I came to the hospital in, soaked and stained with blood. Praying that I didn’t bleed on their seat and get charged a cleaning fee.

I made it home. Shortly afterward my four month old awakened, I went to make him a bottle, feeling weak and dizzy again, I sat on my kitchen floor trying to regain my composure and ability to walk and stand. While sitting there, my heart pounding out of my chest and sounds slowly fading out I blacked out and fainted. I awoke after smacking my forehead and elbow into the high chair and my mom jumping up as quickly as I had ever seen her move in months, crying she said “You fell, you passed out.” I laid on the floor crying and telling her I couldn’t finish making the bottle. My mom made it and gave it to my baby for me.

I forced myself to eat and drink water. Still feeling weak I dragged myself to bed and slept. I woke up the next day feeling tired, my body sore, still a little shaky and weak but somehow I survived. I was lucky. I didn’t need the blood transfusion after all. Somehow my body pulled through on its own, maybe with some help from God or my guardian angel.

I called my Dr office and informed them I miscarried. They said they were sorry for my loss. My Dr will do blood draws every week until my hcg levels return to 0. Then they will know my body did the work of emptying the uterus of all the contents of this pregnancy. My body let go, but my heart is another story.

Physically I know I will heal. This physically pain won’t last forever. There will come a day when my bleeding stops all together. My body will feel great. But my heart doesn’t know better. My heart doesn’t want to let go, it wasn’t ready to say goodbye, when we never even got the chance to say hello.

Emotionally I feel like I’m being tortured, I feel like I’m living a nightmare. I don’t know why this happened to me. I will never have answers. I’m angry with God, why would he take my baby from me? I’m angry with my body for failing me. I want my baby back, but I know that won’t ever happen.

Last night I laid on the floor of my bathtub while water streamed down me from the shower head. I wasn’t even interested in showering. It was just somewhere to go to escape. I put on a strong front all day for my mom and kids but in the shower I cry. I allow the grief to wash over me and the water drowns out my tears. Those gut wrenching, soul crushing, tears, the kind that makes your nose snot up and you feel the lump in your throat and you can literally feel your heart breaking. I prayed to God harder than I ever have before. I prayed for strength. I prayed for comfort and peace. I prayed for understanding. I prayed that God mend my broken heart.

It’s a rollercoaster of emotions honestly. I’m terrified of ever becoming pregnant again. What if this happens again? I don’t know if I can bear this pain again. This pain is unbearable. It’s a pain and emptiness I wouldn’t wish even upon my worst enemy. I know if there ever is a next time I will spend that entire pregnancy in fear. Fear of becoming attached and losing another baby. I never thought it would or could happen to me until it did and now here I am. 1 in 4 is not just a statistic. I am that 1 in 4. And it’s truly heartbreaking. My dreams are shattered. This has got to be the most traumatic experience of my life ever.

On the other side never becoming pregnant again envelopes me in fear as well. What if I become infertile after this? What if I’m never able to achieve pregnancy again? I want my rainbow baby someday. I know my heart will never fully heal until I have my rainbow baby nestled safely in my arms. The thing is I don’t know when/if that will ever happen for me. And so I sit and wait in this limbo of emotional turmoil. Even a rainbow baby would never replace this angel baby of mine. I will always hold onto this sadness to some degree. It will never just go away, I will never stop talking about and remembering my baby. There will never be another day I live that I don’t think of my baby and all the what ifs.

I’m triggered by the foods I ate while pregnant. I’m triggered by the births of healthy newborns and others announcing their pregnancies. Why do they get to keep their baby but I didn’t get to keep mine? That sounds selfish. But it feels unfair. It is unfair. Nothing about this is right or okay. I randomly cry throughout the day, silently.

I don’t even know the gender of my baby. I submitted my ultrasound scan to the Ramzi theory group; 3 boy guesses and 2 girl guesses. I will never know until someday I get to meet my baby in Heaven and hold my baby in my arms. I hope my baby is safe and healthy and happy in the arms of Jesus right now. I hope my baby knows I loved them so so much and wanted them more than anything in this world. I would do anything to have you sweet baby with me again.

This is my story. This is miscarriage. This is what it feels like. There is no simple way of explaining it. I’m part of a special group of women that now have their very own and very special angel watching over them. I will never forget you. In my heart you live forever. Until we meet again...

Positive Pregnancy Test: 06/27/2020

First Ultrasound: 07/14/2020 108 bpm 💓

My Due Date: 03/09/2021

My Miscarriage Date: 08/05/2020

It was such a short time with you but I fell in love with you from the very start and I’ll never stop loving you with every beat of my heart.

“An angel opened the book of life and wrote down my baby’s birth. Then whispered softly as she closed the book, Too beautiful for Earth.”

Fly high angel baby 👼 Mommy loves you 💕

[katrinaneenie]

Robert Redford is my choice for the Reel Infatuation Blogathon of 2018.  This is not so unusual. Like my crush on Outlander’s  Sam Heughan, there are millions of others who share my affection for this amazing actor.  The multi-talented Redford has done more than just perform  in 79 movies.  Besides acting, he directed ten movies; and in my humble opinion, two of those ten films are near perfect examples of the best kind of film making: Ordinary People (1980) and The Horse Whisper (1998). Along with acting and directing, he has also produced 50 films.

In addition to his amazing body of work within the industry, he has been active in many social issues. He is nearly legendary in his work as an environmentalist and his philanthropy. To add to all of this, he is the founder of the largest independent film festival in the United States: Sundance Flim Festival. 

Now, before I go further, I would like to thank two wonderful young ladies and bloggers: Ruth from Silver Screenings and Maedez from  Font and Frock and A Small Press Life.  I hope they will host, like they have for last three years, next year too. To read about more posts about Reel Infatuation, please use the links below:

https://silverscreenings.org/2018/06/08/reelinfatuation-2018-day-1/

OR

https://fontandfrock.com/2018/06/08/welcome-to-the-2018-reel-infatuation-blogathon/

Why Did I Pick Robert Redford?

I chose Redford because he is my first ever crush on an actor. As we all know, you never forget your first love. Unbelievably, my love for Redford didn’t begin because of his stunning good looks or his magnetic screen presence or even for my loving every one of the his 79 movies.

My magical crush happened when he very young (26 years old) and  complete unknown to me and the rest world. He had been acting on numerous television shows from 1960 to 1964. He first showed up on one of my favorite shows: Maverick starring James Garner. During this four-year span of time, he had guest starred on quite a number of popular shows at the time: Perry Mason, Route 66, The Untouchables, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Dr. Kildare, Naked City etc … His last television appearance was in 1964 on The Defenders.

I “fell in love” with Redford while watching a re-run of a very popular television show Twilight Zone (1959-1964). For those unfamiliar with this American television show, it was created by Rod Serling. He was a producer, playwright, and screenwriter.  In addition, he introduced and closed each episode with his compassionate pathos and unique voice.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cxf_Dvy0VLs

The Twilight Zone 

This series is a science-fiction, fantasy, horror anthology. It was brilliantly written, acted, and realistically presented with twists and turns in the end. Also, and maybe more importantly, it usually had a philosophical, howbeit hidden, message about the nature of mankind and what life lessons we need to be learning. Usually, this was an emotional truth that Serling felt should be shared. The legacy of his Life Lessons.

A Few Notes About The Creator of Twilight Zone

Right out of high school, Serling joined the Army to fight in WWII.  He was wounded several times; but, he kept going back to combat duty. He fought hand-to-hand combat in the Philippines. After the war, he  suffered from severe PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) that haunted him with night terrors for the rest of his life. While working in Hollywood, he was known as an “angry young man.” There were issues that he continuously fought against: racism, the Vietnam war, and censorship.

Twilight Zone: Nothing in The Dark

Introduction 

An old woman living in a nightmare, an old woman, who has fought a thousand battles with death and always won. Now she’s faced with a grim decision – whether or not to open a door. And in some strange and frightening way, she knows that this seemingly ordinary door leads to the Twilight Zone.  

They claim the best writers always write at an emotional level that they are most familiar with. This introduction conveys the words written by an ex-solider who has witnessed death and is still haunted by it in his dreams.

More People Behind The Scenes

Nothing in The Dark first aired on January 5, 1962; and, it only ran for 24 minutes.  There are three actors: Gladys Cooper, Robert Redford, and R.G. Armstrong.  It was co-written by screenwriter George Clayton Johnson (Logan’s Run (1976), Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983), and Ocean’s 11 (2001). Here are a couple of pics of Johnson with Redford and Gladys Cooper.

  This episode is directed by Lamont Johnson who will go on to win two Emmys for Directing two made for television movies: Wallenberg: A Hero’s Story (1985) and Lincoln (1988). In this clip he explains how the unknown twenty-six year old Redford was hired and the superb British actress, Gladys Cooper reaction after meeting him. This interview was published in October of 2010…48 years after it first aired in ’62.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2-BSFlzaU8

A Summary of Nothing in the Dark

This story centers around a sad, lonely old woman, Wanda Dunn, (Gladys Cooper) whose fear of Death is so great that it has forced her into isolation for most of her life. Oddly enough, she can recognized Death in his infinite forms and disguises. She “knows him” and has been able to avoid him for years. However, there is a cost to pay for having this amazing skill: fearful isolationism. She has never really lived her life because her fear has trapped her from others. As a result, she lives alone on the bottom floor of a dilapidated apartment building.  With double locks on her door, she is totally alone, as she nervously sleeps.

One snowy night, she is awaken by the sound of class breaking, probably her own window; then, she hears a whistle and then, gun shots. A policeman, Harold Beldon, (Robert Redford) is shot and begs for help. Should she open her door and try to save him? Is it Death tricking her?

She finally gives in to his cries and helps him into her flat.  She places him on her bed as he profusely thanks her. Then, he begs her to call a doctor, or the police, or an even a neighbour. She explains that she does not have a phone and all the neighbors have moved away. She refuses to go outside to look for help because “he” is out there waiting for her. She decides she can trust the young man; since, she didn’t die when he touched her. She reveals her life story and her gift of recognizing death.

Here is a clip of those first 3 minutes of their encounter.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gK1MCE3teZ8

As incredulous as Wanda’s story sounds, Beldon is sympathetic to her tragic situation. Suddenly, there is someone banging on her door. She is too afraid to answer it. Someone is breaking in the door. Finally, the door flies open; and, Wanda crumbles to the floor, unconscious.

A contractor ( R.J. Armstrong ) is relieved that she is still alive. He explains that she must leave because he is tearing the old building down to build a new one. He tries to calm her down by explaining that how things work in life. Wanda is terrified to go outside; so, she asks Beldon to help her explain it to him. The contractor looks at her like she is crazy. He warns her that she must gather all the things she doesn’t want to leave behind. He said he would help her move her them; once, he comes back in an hour.

Wanda is feeling so hurt and overwhelmed that she cannot understand why Beldon did not say anything to the contractor to help her. Then, she realizes that Death tricked her. I must say Ms Cooper’s performance is this show is what ” pulled me in, hook line and sinker.” I felt so sorry for her and what she missed in her life. All because of a fear of something that was enviable.

I was completely into this story. So, you might understand how shocked I was when I learned that twenty years earlier, Cooper played Betty Davis’s BITCH mother in Now, Voyager (1942). Who I hated. Cooper plays a better bitch than Betty Davis in any of her best Bitch roles. This is quite a compliment to Cooper, who I love as Wanda Dunn.

Once Wanda realizes that Beldon is Mr Death, he begins to calm her down and reassure her she has nothing to fear from him. He charms her and convinces her that she will be at peace and in comfort. In order for Wanda to surrender her will to Beldon there has to be a believable sense of compassion and trust. Not only for the characters, but also  between the actors too. This can then be felt by the audience: The connection is successful. This bond and chemistry between Gladys Cooper (who was 74 years old) and Robert Redford (who was 26 years old) was very strong and compelling.

When he reaches for her hand and begs her to trust him and to come with him, I wasn’t sure if she would. Then, in one second everything changed.  It changes with two heartfelt words.  He softly, begs: Please, Mother. 

That was the moment that I cried and fell in love with Redford.  I doubt Wanda has ever been married or had children. Beldon is probably the only person/Inhuman ever spoke those words to her in her entire life. In the video clip, Lamont Johnson tells the story of the actors mutual respect. Without their mutual regard and respect, this performance could not have been as successful.

Rod Serling closes this episode with the following words:

There was an old woman who lived in a room. And, like all of us, was frightened of the dark. But who discovered in a minute last fragment of her life that there was nothing in the dark that wasn’t there when the lights were on. Object lesson for the more frightened amongst us, in or out, of the Twilight Zone.

Here is a 2 minute video clip that I found on You Tube that mashes scenes together to summarize the story. Unfortunately, the “Mother” was completely left out. To me that was a huge mistake.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=i9JZCo912kI

In closing, I have added an interview clip with Redford published four years ago. He is reminiscing about this 52 year old episode. It is very interesting because he mentions the “wonderful dynamic” between the two characters. It’s funny because  when most people think of great chemistry between actors, they usually refer to sexual attraction. However, for actors it means so much more.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JuuAEEj1fq0

I once remembered a quote that defined love not in years but in moments … if that is true; the,  my “Reel Infatuation” with Redford only started in a moment; but, happily his work keeps adding more moments over the years.

Please check for more “Reel Infatuation” stories by using the links near the top of this post.

Reference Links

https://m.imdb.com/title/tt0734603/quotes?ref_=m_tt_trv_qu

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0178066/bio

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0785245/bio

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0425593/

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Clayton_Johnson

Blogathon Reel Infatuation (2018): Robert Redford in The Twilight Zone Robert Redford is my choice for the Reel Infatuation Blogathon of 2018.  This is not so unusual.

[iamsoneurotic]

Hey Milo! You Five! And other stuff...

So we’re weeks out from baby #3 being born… I’ve hardly written a single update about this pregnancy because oddly enough it’s really, really hard to find time to write absurdly long posts when you’ve got two little boys and a pregnant wife.

Oh who am I kidding, I’m just really lazy. But having kids is such a good excuse to not do things that I can’t help but use it every chance I get. Now if only I had a decent excuse to get a minute alone from the boys I’d be in business! I kid… but let’s not pretend that it isn’t the worst thing in the world to wake up to a toddler screaming at you to play legos upstairs. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE playing with Legos and I love playing with my kids, but I love not moving in the morning more. We’ve got a rule in the house: Mommy and Daddy don’t play until after they’ve had their coffee in the morning. Needless to say I sip mine VERY slowly.

Rachael and I are not morning people. Milo and Noli inherited that trait from us, but unfortunately they also inherited my stubbornness - so they just refuse to sleep in. Yeah, I know all kids wake up early and are miserable, but Noli literally wakes up growling and Milo always wakes up yelling “HEY!” like he dreamt about some goblin flicking him in the nose and then woke up too soon to flick him back. That’s what I imagine happens anyway. If they’re so mad about being awake, why not just stop being awake?? It’s not that hard, I do it all the time!

But whatever. They come out of their rooms, they fight over a lego, I pathetically and ineffectively shout at them from my recliner downstairs and then I drink my coffee and secretly daydream about drowning to death in it. Mornings with the Marianelli’s are a good old time. Even the unborn one wakes up cranky, he just awakens when Rachael is going to bed and kicks her in the ribs like a savage. Crap, I just realized I never posted his gender - well if you haven’t figured it out yet, he’s a boy. If anything I’m consistent.

We had the sonogram a week after my last post and boy oh boy the boy wasn’t shy about being a boy. Have I said boy enough yet? I know a sonogram isn’t actually a camera with a lens, but I swear, the moment they turned that device on he practically slapped it against the screen. No subtlety whatsoever.

There’s this awkward moment during a gender reveal where both parents are secretly hoping for different results (by secretly I mean me, Rachael was quite vocal about her hopes) - it’s like when you’re playing a board game with people and it’s maybe 10 rounds in and that competitiveness is starting to rear its ugly head and the laughter is becoming more and more forced with every round - and then you win for like, the 5th time in a row and you’re not quite sure what emotion to express so you just sort of downplay your own victory as dumb luck, but now everybody feels insulted that you’re pitying them… Yeah, that’s what it’s like to find out you’re having a third boy.

But for real, it’s better this way and we all know it.

I can’t tell if the sound of my voice makes the little stinker agitated or happy. He usually starts moving a lot when I talk to him (yeah I know, they can be startled by sound and it’s not technically me specifically that he’s responding to - but let me have this!), I think my proudest moment was when I placed my hand on Rachael’s belly and said “HIGH FIVE!” and he totally kicked my hand. He also likes to kick me in the head when I try listening to his heartbeat… They say you’re supposed to be able to hear the heartbeat without a stethoscope but I’m three kids in and it’s NEVER happened! I do, however, hear a lot of digestive sounds that I wish I could un-hear.

This pregnancy gives me a lot of memories of when Milo was still in the womb and he would stop Rachael dead in her tracks by roundhouse kicking her in the side. This little guy might actually be worse. There were a couple of weeks in the Autumn where we were convinced he was actually kicking Rachael in the spine. It would send shockwaves up her back and every time it happened I thought she either saw a giant spider or suffered an aneurysm. I’m not saying I wished for the latter, but I really hate spiders… Don’t judge me.

We’ve been trying to prepare Noli for the baby’s arrival. He can get pretty jealous. My brother came home one day with puppies and Noli got really sad that we were giving the puppies so much attention. It broke my heart a little. He’s a really sensitive kid - it’s a good quality, but it can be difficult. I have to discipline him almost entirely differently from how I discipline Milo because of it. To be honest I still don’t really know what I’m doing when it comes to that with him. Some days I think I’ve cracked the code, but then the next day it’s an entirely different ball game. He’s been a little grumpy lately and we haven’t really figured out why outside of “Terrible 3’s” (terrible 2′s is a myth, 3′s suck).

I used to think I knew what a tantrum was… I was so wrong. On Christmas Eve Noli threw the most epic tantrum I have ever witnessed in the history parenting. It’s mostly a blur at this point, but it started when I tried making him put on a pair of pants after his bath and it ended with a full-on UFC-style showdown where I was literally grappling him on the floor so that he wouldn’t hurt himself. I ended up tapping out because nothing was working - Rachael finally managed to defuse the entire situation by simply pulling an ice-tray out of the freezer and showing it to him. Yup. Problem solved. All the shouting, bribing, begging, grappling and crying did absolutely nothing - a boring inanimate object from a mini-fridge tamed the beast. How Rachael thought to walk past a playroom full of toys and grab an unused ice-tray will forever be a mystery to me. Since being pregnant the girl can barely remember her own name, yet she knew exactly how to deal with a situation that neither of us had experienced - motherly instinct is truly the 8th wonder of the world.

All tantrums aside, Noli cracks me up. He’s making up his own superheroes now. His latest evil creation is “Play-Doh Butt”. His superpower? He shoots pink legos out of his butt. I’ve also learned a number of other characteristics that I wish I could forget. He’s apparently blue, wears no clothes, has no hair (anywhere) and is little. He’s straight out of a nightmare. There’s another superhero he’s working on that’s less fleshed out, and I truly hope it remains that way because I don’t need nor want any other details. His name is “Tater Tutt” and, in Noli’s own words, “he shoots poo-poo out of his hands at all the happy people”... I think that makes him a villain, but I’m not sure Noli sees the lack of virtue in flinging your poop at happy people. I’m sure there’s somebody out there who would derive joy from that experience, but it’s certainly not anybody I want hanging around my 3 year old.

I can’t bring myself to discourage his progressive line of superheroes, they’re more creative than anything I came up with at that age - my greatest childhood achievement was creating a superhero who controlled fire, and I named him “Flamer”. Just failure all around. One of these days I’ll get around to asking Noli to draw a picture of Play-Doh Butt for me just to see what monstrosity he puts to paper, but until then I’m totally satisfied just watching him draw Spider-Man… with chalk… on our walls. So glad we didn’t give him markers that day. For a 3 year old he’s a really good little artist - I’d say even for somebody older than him. His Spider-Man drawings are really cute and surprisingly stylized. Between the two of them, I think he’s the most handy with a drawing utensil, and it makes sense; Milo is very book smart, Noli is very creative. It makes a lot of sense to me, Milo is a spitting image of Rachael, so naturally he’s just gravitated towards books and math. Noli got my genes, hence, Play-Doh Butt and art.

He really is the sweetest little boy on the planet though. I slipped on the bottom step the other day like a bobo and fell down, Noli immediately ran over to me and kept trying to make sure I was okay… Milo, on the other hand, just yelled at me to get a toy for him that he got stuck under the television. I’ll be remembering that when it’s time to draft up wills. Anyway, the point is, the kid just has a kind, nurturing soul. He wants everyone to be happy...

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“Happy?”

“Yes.”

“Ohay!”

He still can’t say his K’s.

What else… Oh, yeah, Milo turned 5! My baby is growing up and I’m both happy and miserably depressed over it. I feel like I’ve said this for other birthday posts, but it’s how I feel every time. I don’t sing Happy Birthday to the boys, I sing “Cats in the Cradle” and my tears put their candles out. Nobody likes growing up in our house.

I think he had a good day. This was the first birthday that he actually seemed aware of leading up to it. He was so excited he woke up at 5:30 in the morning and for the first time ever WASN’T cranky! I wanted to stick my head in a stove, but at least he was happy to be up before the sun. We had a Mario-themed birthday for him - correction, a LUIGI themed birthday for him; He prefers Luigi to Mario. He’s been playing a lot of Mario Run on his iPad… Probably too much, but mommy and daddy are literally the worst parents in the world when we’re feeling defeated so we throw iPads at the boys for distraction while we recharge our broken will. He’s actually really good at that game, he beat it before I did - and I’m awesome. I’m terrified to introduce him to the original Mario games, he hates losing, and that’s basically all you do with the old ones. You lose until you throw a controller at the wall, then you play DOOM for an hour to vent. We’re not there yet with the boys.

One of the reasons I was so excited for him to turn 5 was STAR WARS. It’s a movie I’ve always looked forward to watching with my kids, but wanted to wait until they were old enough to actually get what they’re watching and hopefully not get too scared. We have a media room upstairs that is 100% off limits to the kids, but I told Milo for his 5th birthday we’d get milkshakes and watch a big boy movie in the media room… He was a little bored by it, but he was happy to just be in our home’s ‘Forbidden Kingdom’ with junk food and some one on one time with Dad. I really loved it. When you have more than one kid, it’ hard to just enjoy them for their own uniqueness. They morph together into this wild entity that lives to argue with itself and bring chaos and exhaustion to your once stable, quiet household.

Milo is a brilliant boy. Every day he makes it a point to remind me how much of a genius he is. Whether it’s his ability to perform division in his head or how he reads at a 1st grade level (even more so I think) or the fact that he can build a set of Lincoln Logs exactly as they are on the box when I can barely make any sense of the vague directions they come with. He’s a sponge for knowledge. He also had a piano recital on his birthday and he nailed it. It probably doesn’t sound like much to an adult musician, but for a 5-year-old to play piano and without looking at the sheet music, know when he’s made a mistake and correct it by ear is wildly impressive. Like I said - brilliant.

Milo - I know I’m a month late writing this, but I’m just so amazingly proud of what a big boy you are. I love your face, I love your voice, I love your personality and your sense of humor, I just love everything about you. I can never find the right words to express it, but I’m just so filled with joy watching you grow up. You were the very answer to a prayer I had prayed almost every night since I was little - to be a Dad, to have a family of my own. Now I get to pray every night and thank God for a family I know I’ll never truly be worthy of. So yeah, just in case you ever doubted what you mean to me.

Happy Birthday, baby boy. I love you.

Anyway, this is turning into one of those super long posts that Rachael yells at me for writing, so I guess I’ll wrap it up… My next post will inevitably be another 2-part ‘Birth of Baby’ story (and hopefully my last), so be on the look-out! Or don’t. I don’t even know who’s reading this besides my wife, and she doesn’t much care for the amount of detail I go into regarding the births so I imagine I’ll just be reading the next post to myself. Good lord it’s late.

Auf Weidersehen, goodnight (why yes, I did have to Google that), ~ M.