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cilliansaccent · 5 years ago

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The Peaky Designer - Cillian Fanfic, Chapter 5

Hello, welcome back. Below is the next instalment of my fanfiction!

Leave a like or a comment if you liked it, or if I can do anything better! Please, it would mean the world and to understand if anyone is enjoying my writing. Also, sharing/reblogging would be even better.

PLEASE READ:

I will not be including Cillian’s family as it’s kinda weird since he has children lmao. Just a mention of his parents and a previous lover.

I will indicate in a chapter if there is smut in the beginning and before the actual scene!!

I will add trigger warnings if there is any!!

There is a variety of levels of swearing during a chapter, I will not hold back, everyone swears.

The timestamp for the Fic is now 2016 and onwards!!

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Background: Gabrijela Babic is a Croatian girl from Sydney, Australia. She is born in the year 1991 on the 24th of December. She studies a Fashion degree in a University with a major in Game Design as well. Her teacher in the fashion designer class managed to nail an Internship on the set of Peaky Blinders with the shows very own Costume Designer, Allison McCosh. There, she travels to London for under a year to learn how to be one, working alongside the actors as well the man she admires, Cillian Murphy. But, her platonic feelings for the man begins to grow into something more, and she wonders whether she should pursue them or let him go for fear of her strict parents and her three older brothers…

Characters:

Swantje Paulina as Gabrijela Babic (swalina on Instagram)

Cillian Murphy

Word Count: 2,234

!!Warnings!!: None.

Date: March 2016

Chapter Name: We Need to Talk, Gab.

Brief Chapter Outline: Waking up a little sore, Gabrijela avoids Cillian all day, spending time with the crew and getting to know them better.

Sorry for a short chapter, didn’t have much inspo today!

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When morning came, it was weird for Gab to wake up. She was sore between her legs from how hard Cillian had fingered her.

But her body never felt so... Relaxed. Content. She couldn't lie to herself, what happened last night was wonderful. She loved how he touched her, kissed her.

It was something she would remember.

She rolled on to her back, he wasn't beside her but in the little kitchen area making coffee. She groaned softly and sat up, rubbing her eyes. She checked her phone, it was about seven in the morning and she had a million messages from her father and her friends.

Cillian heard the soft groan that emitted from Gabrijela and began to make another coffee. He could hear the clicks of her typing away, a little giggle came from her.

He gripped the edge of the counter, sighing through his nose. Last night was still very clear in his brain and he had woken up with a throbbing hard-on. He had satisfied himself in the little bathroom, unable to hold back the soft moan of her name, visualising those perfect red lips around him.

The mere thought sent him again and he shook himself, trying to rid the growing need.

"Good morning," Gabrijela said, walking out and startling him.

"Oh. Morning." He said, giving her a pleasant smile. He looked away hastily, not wanting to stare at her too long at those long legs and the protruding curves that were her breasts. "Coffee?" He asked.

"Sure. I'd love some." She said as she took her seat.

He turned and placed the mug before her before he slowly sat across from her, his own steaming mug in his hand.

Silence.

It weighed heavily in the air and Gabrijela was getting fidgety about it. She hated this kind of silence. They both needed to talk but she had no intentions of starting it. Not yet.

"Gab-"

"No," She cut him off.

"We need-"

"No, we don't. Nope." She shakes her head, sipping her coffee.

"Gabrijela we have to. We need to-"

"Cillian. Stop. What happened, it will not happen again. One time thing. Forget it." She set her cup down not to kindly.

He sat back, staring at her with absolute annoyance. "You know we can't just push aside. We have to-"

"No!" She raised her voice, meeting his eyes finally. "No." She downed her coffee and got up going into the bedroom, closing the shutter.

Cillian sighed, resting his elbows on the table and holding his head as he shook it. He could hear her moving around and she came out, dressed and had her bag in hand.

"Gabrijela, I'm sorry. I don't want to make you upset-" He looked at her.

"You did. I don't want to talk about last night. I don't." She shook her head and headed out, but bumped into Paul who played Arthur.

"Hello, morning Gabrijela. Didn't think I'd find you here." He raised a brow.

"Don't worry, you won't next time." She walked past him, heading to where she needed to go.

"Damn, woke up on the wrong side of the bed," Paul muttered before he entered the trailer to chat with Cillian.

Later that afternoon...

She kept her game face on the whole morning as she worked with Allison and the other cast members. Today she was made to dress the other members, which meant she was able to stay away from Cillian.

But, in the dressing rooms, she always caught his eyes. She didn't react, staying focused the best she could.

There were times in the morning when she was to clean up outfits or make sure there were no faults before bringing them out for Allison and her little team. She was thankful for the change, she was able to stay in the back.

And while they filmed, she stayed back to write her report and chat with Allison.

Then it was back to work once more, rushing around to get things for the cast or repairing things quickly.

She hadn't even realised lunch came and people were given a break for a bit. She was going to go into Manchester with Logan to grab food.

As she crossed the set, Cillian had caught her and came into her pathway. "Hey." He said.

"Hello." She stopped, looking up at him.

"Do you have a moment?" He asked.

"Uh..." She frowned.

"It'll be quick." He insisted.

She knew what he wanted and she shook her head, "I have to go get lunch." She said.

"Please, Gabrijela. Just- Please." He frowned.

"Gab! Hey!" Logan called from afar, waving.

Cillian turned around, seeing the man.

"I have to go." She said and walked past him, not looking back but she knew he was watching her leave with Logan.

"You seem rattled? You good?" He asked as they left the set together, heading into the main district.

"Yeah. I'm okay. Just tired." She laughed softly.

They talked on the walk and she learned they had the same interests in TV Shows and even books.

They ordered something from a sandwich store, both of them excitedly chatting about their favourite characters in a book series.

Once back on set, she joined him with the other crew members. She learned their names and what they did and they all talked excitedly about this and that.

"Hey, I know it may be soon but, I'd like you to come with me and some of my friends this Saturday night in London to celebrate my birthday," Logan said with a swoon-worthy smile.

"Uh, alright." Gabrijela said excitedly, "Didn't you say to a pub here?"

"Yeah. But decided to go to a club instead. Besides, most of us live in London so it'll be easier." He said as he scrunched up the wrapping of his sandwich and chucked it into a bin.

"Okay. Here, I don't have your number." She said and they exchanged numbers, "Now it'll be easier for us to talk."

"How about Facebook?" He asked, "I got a group of all of us on there."

She gave him her name, but since the other young crew members overheard it began a swapping game and giving each other numbers and social media.

She had Logan's Snap, "Only certain people may have that." He said with a smirk.

"And you think I'm already special enough for it?" She asked, looking into his eyes. He was so fucking handsome. It had to be illegal.

"I do think so." He winked at her. "You catching the train home tonight?"

"Yeah. I am. You?" She asked, his smirk and wink made her stomach do a flip.

"Yeah. London. Let's catch it together." He said, "We finish nine tonight or hopefully around that time."

"Okay sounds good. I'd like someone with me on the train." She said before the parted ways to resume their busy work for the rest of the afternoon and into the evening.

Nighttime...

Gabrijela helped some crew around to move things into place or cleaned up. It was a hectic day, a lot of repetitive stuff, running around. She had somehow lost focus and messed up a few times, copping an angry lecture from Allison.

Now, Gabrijela waited where Logan had said to wait as he spoke with the director.

And it gave Cillian a good opportunity to seize it as he came to her, "We need to talk, Gab." He said, voice hard and no room to argue.

"You are so persistent, huh?" She narrowed her eyes at him.

"Yeah. And what happened last night," his voice went low, "Where do we stand with it?"

She pressed her lips together, "I don't know, Cillian. Where do you stand?" SHe shot back.

He gave it a thought, "I don't want it to ruin our friendship, that is for sure." He said.

"Then we won't let it ruin what we have. Let us put it aside as a... drunken night fuelled by deep desires and alcohol. Alcohol does that to people, especially red wine." She said softly, looking up at him again.

He nodded, "I agree. Next time, we lay off on the red." He gave her a small smile.

"Yeah, we will, Cilly. We back as friends, and no more." She murmured, giving him a quick hug.

He returned it, "You going somewhere to stay?" He asked, changing the subject. He seemed better now that he knew where they stood.

"Nah, heading back to London with Logan." She said Logan was almost done talking by the way his body language was.

"Logan? The Set Designer?" Cillian asked with raised brows.

"Mhm. Hopefully, I can go home with him most of the time I'm here." She smiled. "But I'll pack my bag properly." She giggled.

"Good idea. You take care yeah? Call me when you get home, please." He said, that concerned expression back.

"Of course. Keep your phone on you, Peaky Boy." She nudged him.

"Okay. Let's head off, Train leaves soon." Logan said as he came over. "Hey, Cillian! Good job on today, splendid as always."

They shook hands, "Keep her safe, okay?" Cillian gave Logan a look, but she wasn't sure if it was a threatening manner or just teasing.

Logan laughed, taking it as a teasing way, "I will! I will don't you worry." He said and with that, they parted.

The trip home was about two hours and Logan stayed with her all the way through.

He got out, letting the cab go.

"Why did you do that?" She asked, blinking.

"You would not believe it, but I live down the block in a studio. Literally ten minutes." He said.

"No way?" Gab gasped.

"Yeah. We can... hang out and stuff if you'd like?" He smiled.

"God yes! We can binge-watch Supernatural since you gave up on Season two." She said, nodding excitedly.

"Sounds like a great plan. I'll see you here at six?" He said.

"Yep. Six O'clock. Goodnight, Logan." She said, waving and went into the apartment building.

It was a wonderful relief to be at home. She dropped her bag on the bed, turned on some music through her boombox and undressed. She prepared herself a bath, lit some candles she had bought today.

She let her clothing fall on the floor and got into the bathtub after the bath bomb had dissolved, she let out a soft sigh as the warm water surrounded her.

She picked up her phone and gave Cillian a call, "Hey." He replied.

"Hi," She smiled, his voice made her shiver. He sounded sleepy.

"You got home safe?" He asked she could hear him getting comfortable.

"Yeah, I did. Good to be back here, having a relaxing bath as of now." She giggled.

"Oh, lucky you." He huffed, "I have to suffer a small shower."

"Whiny baby. If I can fit in there, so can you." She laughed.

"You calling me small?" He gasped.

"Maybe! Small, Irish boy!" She taunted.

"No Gab! Not nice." He was laughing softly. But then it died down and he sighed.

"What's wrong? Did I hurt your feelings?" She asked, worried she may have.

"No uh... I... I just miss you." He murmured.

She shut her eyes. Going silent.

She heard a shift on the other end, "Gab? You still with me?" His voice had gone softer.

"Yeah, still here. I miss you too." She replied, her hand slid up her thigh. "But I'll be there tomorrow morning. I'll bring you coffee?"

"That would be nice, get me an americano." He said.

"Americano with extra care for a little Irish boy." She giggled like a little girl.

"I'll make your coffee extra strong and bitter." He threatened.

"So mean! Nothing for you then." She growled.

"Fine. Nothing for you either." He bit back.

They laughed before they went quiet again.

Her hand had paused close to her slit, "I should get going." She finally said.

"Ah... Okay." Cillian said in a way that he didn't want her to go yet.

"We'll see each other tomorrow," She reminded him, "You get some sleep, goodnight."

"Goodnight, Gab. Rest well." He said and hung up.

She smiled a little to herself, settling back into the bath to contemplate.

She didn't spend long in the bath before she got out and dried up, drying her hair, then packed her bag for tomorrow, shoving two sets of clothing in.

She crawled into bed, groaning, "Much better." She mumbled into the pillow. But it didn't smell like Cillian which made her sad.

She heard her snap go off and she sat upright to grab her phone. It was from Logan.

She opened the message and let out an audible gasp. He sent a picture of himself shirtless and in his boxers. In bed. He was toned. The caption said goodnight with a winking emoji.

She bit her bottom lip, holy fuck, she thought. She replied with a picture of the balcony and a winking and a blushing emoji.

He replied back with 'I'd rather see you' alongside a heart and a winking face again.

She rolled her eyes, "Goodnight." She murmured and typed the message.

He didn't reply back and she set her phone down and turned it on silent.

She laid back, staring up at the ceiling. It took some time for her to fall asleep, her thoughts drifting to Cillian, alone in his trailer.

#cillian murphy #thomas shelby #peaky blinders #fanfiction

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mydarlingvioletine · 6 years ago

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‘Just a Puppy Crush’ - Chapter Six

Ship(s): Violet/Clementine Media: The Walking Dead (Season 4)

Clementine’s name snapped her out of her thoughts. She looked up at Brody, who was smiling down at the journal in her hands. Violet had moved back to her original position, sitting stiffly with her eyes on the trophy case.

So, she blacked out for the entirety of Violet’s origin story. She was having a bone thrown at her to learn more about the mysteriously cool blonde to the left of her, but she dropped the ball.

Real good detective work, Clementine.

She knew bits and pieces. That her dad was a drunk and that she barely spent time with her mom because she worked a bunch of jobs. To pay for her husband’s very expensive habit. That Violet had a “someone” in her past, named Minerva. Louis brought her up once, but dropped it because Violet was visibly upset. That was the last she’d heard about her.

“‘A girl and her brother arrived here the other day. Her father got a teaching opportunity here, so they moved across the country. Mr. Everett’s cool. He’s a good teacher. His wife is really nice, too. I went in for pre-session and met her. She brought in coffee and an omelette for Mr. Everett, and told me that she had a daughter around my age. Clementine. She warned me she was a little grizzly, but had a big heart and could use a friend right now.’“

“Carley..” Clem scoffed to herself, pinching the top of her nose with a mix of frustration and adoration. “Did she pay you to talk to me too?”

Brody giggled, shaking her head and flipping the page.

“‘I met Clementine today. She’s a sweetheart. A little bit standoff-ish, but really kind. We passed notes during math class, and she doodled flowers on the bottom of my classwork.’“ Brody held out the journal, finger on a scrap of paper with a couple detailed flowers, taped to the page. “‘She’s talented, really really talented. She’s even better at realistic stuff.’“

Clementine’s smile dropped in an instant, noticeable to Violet and Louis. Brody, oblivious, kept reading, skipping a couple pages ahead.

“‘I didn’t mean to do it. I don’t have heavy footsteps, I just walk quietly on instinct.’” Brody’s eyes flickered towards Clementine, who nodded, biting down on her thumb. “’I saw her drawing in a sketchbook, and leaned over her shoulder to look at it. It was so, so realistic. It didn’t even take a full glance for me to realize who it was of. I told her it was really good, but she was embarrassed, and got mad at me for sneaking up on her. She made me promise not to te-’”

“-Um, have you guys seen Captain Marvel? Carley works at the police station and she was able to snag an illegal version of it.” Clementine interrupted loudly, quickly rising to her feet. Brody took the hint, and clasped the notebook shut, upset with herself that she’d almost broken her promise.

“No, yeah, let’s watch it.” Brody stammered, shoving her diary back into her bag so it couldn’t hurt anyone else. Louis and Violet exchanged a worried look, as Clementine rounded the corner and darted up the stairs.

She couldn’t find the movie. Carley had lost it or dropped it somewhere, and she had to go back to them empty-handed. Stalling, she took solace in James’ presence, standing beside him to help with the dishes.

They had a routine that dated back to when Clementine first got here. Clementine washed, James dried. AJ usually spot-checked, but he’d gone to sleep hours ago. They both worked in silence, both wracked with nerves and concern.

“James?” Clem broke the silence, soaping up the inside of a glass.

“You okay?” James asked, setting the bowl down to look at his younger sister, her face struck with something sad that anybody other than her family would have missed.

Clementine cleared her throat, scrubbing the frosting off of the cake-covered plate. “I’m good. I just.. good.”

James nodded, not wanting to push her past her point of comfort. He took the plate from her hands, rinsing it off as her focus set on the window, vines from the garden flowing down the side of her house like her own curly hair.

“You have no idea how good it is to see you,” Clementine breathed out, swiftly wrapping her arms around her brother, burying her face into his college sweatshirt.

James returned the hug, resting his chin on his little sister’s head. “Back atcha, kid. I really missed you.” Clementine stepped away from her brother, her eyebrows shooting up as she heard Louis singing off-key from downstairs. “I’ll be here all break, you know. C’mon, don’t miss out on your own birthday.”

Clementine pursed her lips, and let out a hearty sigh. “Hey, James?”

“What’s up, Clem?”

“You don’t have to answer. It’s kinda dumb, but... I’m just curious. Were you sure Charlie liked you when you asked him out?” Clementine whispered, resting her elbows on the kitchen counter.

A soft smile crept over James’ lips, and he softly shook his head. He turned towards her, and held out his pinky. “Promise you won’t tell Mom.”

Clementine nodded, wrapping her pinky finger around his. They shook on it, and James pressed his back against the kitchen counter, hands gripping the railing as he started recollecting.

“I didn’t know, Clem. All I knew was that I was tired of carrying it on my back and just wanted it out there. And with the help of my good friend, Mr. Alcohol, I was able to say ‘fuck it’ and just go for it.” James smirked, sternness crossing his face after a couple seconds. “Don’t take this as advice. I also took a whole bite out of a pumpkin that night.”

Clem giggled, her stress lifting into nothingness as she laughed. “You’re telling me, James Abbott, honor student, class president, star of the lacrosse team and salutatorian, drunkenly asked a guy out and took a bite of a pumpkin, all in one night. Illegally, might I add.”

James playfully shushed her, slinging his arm around the little sister he cared so much for. “Why are you asking, exactly?”

Clementine’s shoulders stiffened, and her cheeks turned pink in an instant. “No reason in particular.”

“It’s Violet, isn’t it?”

Clementine grabbed a spoon out of the sink, and pointed it threateningly towards him. “Shut your fucking mouth.”

James looked down at the adorable, rosy-cheeked kid who he’d made an internal oath to do anything for, the day he met her. The day of Lee and Carley’s wedding, she dropped her hat into the lake, and he jumped in without thinking, completely ruining his suit.

He didn’t care though; Clementine’s relief and smile as she put the sopping wet hat back on her head was reward enough.

“Honestly, Clem, it’s almost impossible to know for sure. Even if you were 100% sure your feelings were reciprocated, it’s human to be nervous and unsure. But..” He paused, pursing his lips together in thought. “You won’t know if you don’t act on your feelings. I think you’ll be okay, Clementine.”

Clem huffed as James pulled her into a side-hug, crossing her arms tightly across herself. “Thanks, weirdo.”

“No problem, weirdo.” James paused for a second, then grabbed at his backpack, strewing the contents across the kitchen table. He gave a short “aha!” before cupping his treasured picture of him and Charlie in his hand, leaning it towards Clementine so she could see. “The risk is worth it.”

With a solemn nod, Clem started back down the stairs, opening the door to the lounge room. Louis was on top of the coffee table, holding a hairbrush as if it were a microphone, screaming the lyrics to American Boy by Estelle. Clem internally thanked whatever was out there that the soundproofing was good in this room.

He wasn’t alone though. Brody was laying across the couch, holding her phone high as the music played. Her eyes landed on Violet, who took Louis’ hand and allowed herself to be twirled around the table. She was singing too, though it was almost impossible to hear over Louis.

Louis’ eyes landed on Clementine, and he stopped in his tracks. Violet didn’t get the memo though, swaying happily, a water bottle in her hand being her choice of a make-shift microphone.

“Like the way he’s speakin’, his confidence is peakin’ Don’t like his baggy jeans but I might like what’s undernea- SHIT”

Violet clasped her hands over her mouth, wide eyes on Clementine, who she’d just noticed was standing in the doorway. Brody quickly struggled to pause the music, and Louis stepped down from the coffee table.

“Uh, so you mentioned karaoke earlier but you left, and Brody has a karaoke app on her phone so we just... uh,” Violet stammered, crossing her arms tightly across her chest.

Clementine rolled her eyes, grabbing the hairbrush from Louis’ hands. “You were really singing an Estelle song without me? In my house? On my birthday?”

“Uh... happy birthday?” Louis squeaked, ducking just in time to dodge a pillow Clem flung at him. She cleared her throat, and climbed onto the coffee table with Violet’s help.

“Brody, if you will,” Clem stretched her arms over her head. Brody happily hit the play button again, and Clementine jumped in right in time for the chorus.

“Take me on a trip, I’d like to go someday”

Clementine reached down for Violet’s hand, and twirled her as she sang. Taken aback, Violet’s movements were stiff and cautious. It didn’t take long before she melted into the rhythm, singing along, her voice hardly over a whisper.

“Take me to New York, I’d love to see LA”

Clementine hopped down from the table, the floor shaking beneath her impact. Her grip on Violet’s wrist, she slung her free arm across Violet’s shoulder, dropping the hairbrush to the floor.

“I really want to come kick it with you”

Violet took in a deep breath, cautiously placing her hand on Clementine’s shoulder. An encouraging smile from Clem was all she needed to calm her nerves, her volume almost matching Clementine’s.

“You’ll be my American boy”

They fit well together. Violet’s slight rasp and gravelly voice complimented Clem’s smooth, silvery tone in an intimate way. Violet’s breath tickled her nose, reminding Clementine of how close they were. Inches away from Violet’s face, she pondered how easy it would be to just press their lips together. She knew she couldn’t, though.

“La, la la, la la eya~”

Fuck it. Clem’s hands found their way to the small of Violet’s back, and she took a prominent step forward, dipping the flustered blonde as far as she could, given her prosthetic.

Brody and Louis were clapping and hollering at the performance. Clementine pulled Violet back to her feet, and dropped her hands back to her sides. With a lopsided smile, she turned towards her friends and bowed. Oblivious to the breathless Violet behind her, Clem grabbed her water bottle off the table and took a huge gulp.

Once the song petered out, Violet set foot back in reality. Eyes wide and lips parted, she let go of the breath she’d been holding in when Clementine placed her hands on her back. Holy shit.

The confidence that struck Clementine disappeared as quickly as it entered her life, leaving her stunned. The spark that hit her when she took Violet’s hand was still sizzling through her nerves, her stomach warm and full of butterflies.

She turned on her heel to say something, anything to Violet, but she had disappeared.

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ponyregrets · 7 years ago

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No One Told You Life Was Gonna Be This Way

Kabby social media AU, 3200 words, T

did u know that 1. it is @kane-and-griffin‘s birthday 2. she accidentally went viral for ranting about Friends and 3. once I start thinking about how A Thing (random example: Marcus Kane writing viral Friends tweets) would go down I cannot stop until I just write the thing

anyway happy birthday claire!!

Marcus Kane is, unfortunately, very familiar with the Nice Guy phenomenon.

It's an occupational hazard of writing science fiction, especially in the internet age; all he has to do is look for his most obnoxious fans, and he finds an unfortunately loud contingent of entitled mostly white men who believe that the world owes them women and happiness without any effort on their parts. It's something he tries to combat as much as possible, wherever he can, and he knows it works in some cases. For every reader who's turned against him for being an SJW cuck (whatever that means), he has another who's expressed appreciation for his opening them up to perspectives they hadn't considered and broadened their empathy and understanding.

That's what sci-fi should do, as far as Marcus is concerned. The heart of science fiction is acceptance and unity.

Which is why he tells Bellamy, "I need you to do one of those Twitter threads for me."

"For what?" Bellamy asks, wary. As Marcus's assistant, he seems to think his most important duty is talking Marcus out of interacting with social media. And he may be right.

"Ross Gellar."

It takes him a second. "The guy from Friends?" he finally asks.

"Yes. I want to explain to my followers why he's bad romantic lead and role model."

To his shock, the response is instant. "Okay."

"No arguments? No lecture on how that isn't what Twitter is for?"

"No, fuck Ross," he says. "What do you want to say? I'll make it happen."

Marcus clucks his tongue. "I'll write up a statement."

* Marcus Kane @kanemarcus Last week, while ill, I watched Friends on Netflix for the first time. So, a thread on friendship, romance, Joey Tribiani, and Ross Gellar.

O @o-so-cool reblogged Sometimes my brother's boss is pretty okay.

raven @queenreyesthefirst reblogged brb adding @kanemarcus to non-sucky white dude sci-fi authors and shipping him with @scalzi

Finn Collins @finnishfirst reblogged this is kind of interesting but way too hard on ross. he does a lot of good things! see thread

Bellamy @bradburybell reblogged this is not nearly hard enough on ross

Clarke Griffin @clarkegriffin reblogged Relevant to your interests @ark-abby

"So here's what I think happened," says Bellamy. He's brought Marcus a coffee without being prompted, so whatever it is must be bad.

Marcus takes a sip of the drink. "When?"

"With your Twitter rant."

"Ah. I assume there are a lot of protests from the louder, stupider portion of my fanbase about how I've allowed the liberal fake media destroy my mind and masculinity?"

"Yeah, there are some of those. But, uh--it went way past your fanbase."

"Excuse me?"

"This is your most retweeted post ever. Not even close. It's viral. You've got people fighting you, people telling you it's a revelation, and about a thousand new followers already. In the last day."

He frowns. "Is Friends really still that popular?"

"Apparently." He shrugs. "Clarke says you made Buzzfeed and a couple of the other aggregator sites too. She and Raven have been texting me updates. They think it's hilarious."

"What does that mean?"

"Honestly? I don't fucking know. I told you when you hired me I'm not actually good at this stuff. I tried to warn you."

"You did." He takes another sip of coffee. "So, what do you think happened?"

"My sister retweeted it, and she spends about ninety percent of her time thinking about her social media brand, so she's got a ton of followers. Then Raven picked it up from her, her tech friends got a hold of it, and after that--" He shrugs. "You got out of your niche and into broader Twitter, and I'm not going to be able to find anything useful in your notifications for weeks. It's all Ross/Joey shipping discourse. Clarke's words, not mine," he adds.

"Should I be concerned?"

"I don't know. I guess we'll find out if it actually sells more books. And Clarke thinks we should try to leverage it into more publicity, she's got an idea for that."

Marcus hasn't actually met most of Bellamy's friends, but he references them enough that he knows who they are. Octavia, sister, Raven, ex-girlfriend, Clarke, current girlfriend. He also knows that all of them are more familiar with social media than Bellamy is, so he's not surprised that he consulted them.

Mostly, though, he still can't believe anyone really cares about this.

"An idea to leverage the Friends discourse?"

Bellamy shrugs. "Apparently this fit into an ongoing conversation she's been having with her mother. Abby Griffin? She writes for Ark AV. She did that think-piece about what mainstream science fiction gets wrong about female characters."

"Ah," says Marcus. He remembers the article, which had been harsh but ultimately fair, and an interesting take, once he'd gotten over the initial hurt of being used in a not entirely positive light. "I didn't know that was Clarke's mother."

"Yeah, I figured I'd tell you later. Once I didn't think you were going to call her up and argue with her about how much better you've gotten."

"And now you don't think I will?"

"Honestly, I don't care. I just want to see you guys fight about Friends," he says. "That sounds awesome."

"So, you have no ulterior motives here. Just looking out for my best interests."

"Obviously."

"If she's Clarke's mother, I assume she's local? Or will I be fighting her on a podcast?"

"We were thinking Starbucks on Saturday. Caffeine and lots of witnesses."

Marcus finally lets himself open up Twitter, now that he's had enough coffee. He almost always has some notifications when he looks; he's a public figure with a passionate fanbase, he's used to people trying to talk to him on Twitter. That's why he has a Twitter in the first place. But the number of notifications has never been so high, not in his memory. And, as Bellamy said, it really is a lot of passionate Friends discourse, both for and against his opinions. It's an overwhelming amount of love, hate, and passion. Like discovering an entirely new world.

He thought he understood fandom, but apparently he has a long way to go.

"Starbucks would be fine," he tells Bellamy, a little faintly. "I'd enjoy that."

Marcus Kane @kanemarcus A lot of new followers today. Here are a few notes for you:

Marcus Kane @kanemarcus Replying to @kanemarcus I am a published science fiction author. Those of you telling me to just write a book instead of many tweets, I have written many books.

Marcus Kane @kanemarcus Replying to @kanemarcus You can find the link to purchase them in my header.

Marcus Kane @kanemarcus Replying to @kanemarcus I have never claimed to be an expert on Friends. This was my first time watching, and these are my impressions based on one viewing.

Marcus Kane @kanemarcus Replying to @kanemarcus My opinion on the Friends canon does not invalidate yours. Yours is as valid as it ever was. But if you feel threatened, examine that.

Marcus Kane @kanemarcus Replying to @kanemarcus My ideas may have merit you're reluctant to fully accept because of your own perceptions of how things should be in relationships.

Marcus Kane @kanemarcus Replying to @kanemarcus If you followed me for more Friends content, please be aware this is an outlier. I usually talk about science fiction.

Marcus Kane @kanemarcus Replying to @kanemarcus On that note, would anyone like to discuss the Hugo Awards?

Masper @gogglesdonothing Replying to @kanemarcus ross/rachel is forever tho

Marcus Kane @kanemarcus Replying to @kanemarcus and @gogglesdonothing I'll take that as a no.

Jonty @themediumgreen Replying to @kanemarcus and @gogglesdonothing I'm so sorry Mr. Kane just ignore him I want to talk about the Hugos tell me all your favorite winners do you like Chuck Tingle

Jonty @themediumgreen Replying to @gogglesdonothing I CAN'T TAKE YOU ANYWHERE

Marcus will admit he does not feel broadly prepared to seriously enter the Friends discourse. He is, after all, a neophyte. If there are scholarly works on Friends, he has not read them. If there's any academic discussion of these issues, he is not familiar with it. His knowledge is vague and still forming, but for some people, this show was a huge part of their development. It matters to them on a deep, personal level.

For him, it was a decent use of his time while he was sick and confined to his couch. He had a fever for most of the first season. He's not sure he's prepared to fight anyone about it. Based on his mentions, he has many, many fewer horses in this race than other people. But maybe that's a good thing. Maybe his perspective as an outsider is valuable.

Or maybe he just wants the chance to sit down with Abby Griffin. Because instead of spending the past week either working on his next book or even familiarizing himself with Friends and the criticism surrounding it, he's mostly been researching Abby Griffin herself. He'd done it some after the first article Bellamy sent, curious to see her other work, but he'd been busy with a deadline and hadn't really had much time for that, had barely scratched the surface of this woman.

He doesn't have time for it now either, of course, but it's at least relevant to something in his life. And, as Bellamy and his friends have pointed out, this is at least good publicity. It's not a complete waste of time.

The Abby Griffin stalking might be a waste, but he can't help it. She's interesting. The pop-culture writing is, apparently, a side job, something she never intended to get seriously involved in. The website had been her husband's, and when he passed away, Abby and Clarke had taken over its upkeep, and Abby had started producing content when she had time. Given her full-time job is as the director of internal medicine at the hospital, he's frankly amazed she has as much time for content as she does.

And it's good content. She and Clarke have a weekly column where they discuss a movie they went to see together, and the female characters in science fiction piece was apparently part of a series. Her taste is good and her opinions are interesting, and by the time he's meeting her, he has one big question, and one only.

They get through introductions and are settled in at the table before he finally lets it out. "Honestly, I don't understand how you can like Ross."

She lets out a surprised laugh. "Excuse me?"

"Bellamy said he was looking forward to us fighting over Friends, but I have trouble believing you disagree with my opinion of Ross. I don't know what we'd be fighting about."

She smiles into her mug. He'd known she was beautiful from the picture he found on the hospital website, but it's different to see in person, and more awkward. Bellamy and Clarke are hanging out at their own table, pretending not to eavesdrop; it's not an ideal time to be caught staring. "I don't know what he told you, but I didn't disagree. It was an impressive rant. Well reasoned and accurate. I was more interested in discussing why you posted it and the reactions you got. I saw it wasn't popular among some of your readers."

"To say the least."

"One of the things I've been curious about since getting involved in online fandom is what counts as acceptable ways to interact, especially for those of us over thirty or so. I saw a lot of people asking why a heterosexual man in his late forties would care this much about Friends at all. As if that was the problem."

"Judging from the angry responses, plenty of heterosexual men are very invested in Friends. Although I'm not sure how old they are," he grants.

"Age is the biggest issue, in my experience. You'd been participating in an acceptable way, as a creator, but once you show yourself to be invested in Friends shipping--"

"I stepped into the wrong part of fandom."

"That's my thesis, yes."

He considers. "Am I on the record?"

"I'm not a reporter, Marcus," she says, sounding amused. "I'm not trying to trick you into saying something I can use against you. But if you'd like to officially be off the record, we can say that you are."

"My hope with that post was that it would make some of my readers rethink their attitudes towards women and romance. The number of responses I got to Valena's story in Bright Sky Morning that boiled down to her being wrong for not returning Pavel's feelings even though he'd been so devoted to her was--staggering. And depressing."

"Did your female readers appreciate it?"

"They did. Apparently Jin was a much more appealing partner."

Abby smiles. "I certainly thought so."

It's not his first time meeting a fan, of course, and she might not even be a fan, in the sense they're talking about. But she's read his work and has opinions on it, and that's always a little bit flattering. Especially when they align with his. "I'm glad. I was hoping he would be." He clears his throat. "So, you'd like to talk to me as a forty-eight-year-old man who publicly had opinions on shipping."

"And to get your thoughts on Monica and Chandler," she says, all innocence. "If you don't mind."

He can't help smiling himself. "Not at all. I'm all yours."

Marcus Kane @kanemarcus Expanded my horizons this weekend with the High School Musical trilogy. A curious cultural phenomenon.

Marcus Kane @kanemarcus Replying to @kanemarcus I appreciated that Troy and Gabriela didn't go to the same college, but still stayed in the same general area.

Marcus Kane @kanemarcus Replying to @kanemarcus I still don't think the couple has much of a future, but in an unrealistic movie, I appreciated that nod to practicality.

Marcus Kane @kanemarcus Replying to @kanemarcus Very disappointed about the last-minute attempt to cement Ryan's heterosexuality. Let children have LGBT role models.

Murphy @firstnameredacted Replying to @kanemarcus If you're seriously going to be talking about Disney movies from now on I'm unfollowing you, I don't give a shit about this

Marcus Kane @kanemarcus Replying to @kanemarcus and @firstnameredacted Please do.

"Look," says Bellamy, two months after the first Friends rant, "I'm not going to pretend I'm good with crushes, but it would be a lot easier to just ask Abby if she wants to get dinner off the record instead of coming up with new weird shit to have opinions about on Twitter every week."

"I assume the timing of this isn't a coincidence," Marcus says. He was just getting his coat on to go meet her.

"You've already got a standing coffee date. Turn it into a real date. I'm begging you."

"You don't enjoy my opinions on the High School Musical series?"

"I actually do, I'm just getting tired of blocking people. Also, I don't know if you're aware, but dating is awesome. You should try it."

"I appreciate your concern. You don't think it would be weird for you if your boss was dating your girlfriend's mother?"

"No weirder than whatever's actually happening right now. And don't even try to tell me you're not asking her out because you're worried about how it would affect me."

It does sound absurd, when he puts it like that. "No. That wasn't a major factor."

Bellamy rolls his eyes. "Just ask if she wants to come check out the Descendants franchise with you next weekend. Definitely a solid pickup line. Chicks dig it."

"The what?"

"It's like the spiritual successor to High School Musical. I'll send you a link. You should know this stuff if you're really going in on this."

"I should give you a raise."

"That too. Say hi to Abby for me."

It's not entirely accurate to say that he thinks about what Bellamy said as he walks over to his weekly meeting with Abby. Every time he walks to her favorite coffee shop near the hospital, he's thinking these same kinds of thoughts, so it's not really Bellamy's fault. He enjoys Abby's company company and would be happy to see more of her. He already knew that. But it's been a long time since he navigated anything like this.

If only Friends had prepared him for this kind of romance.

"Marcus," says Abby, giving him a smile when he sits down across from her. As usual, she's surrounded by papers, and he sometimes doubts that she'd even have time for a relationship. She does keep herself busy. "I enjoyed your meditations on High School Musical."

"I'm glad to hear it. Bellamy says it gave me a net loss of followers, but not as much of one as he thinks I deserved."

"I'm not surprised." She considers him. "I didn't mean for our friendship to hurt your career."

"I don't think it is. Plenty of people just read my books and never even find out I'm on Twitter. It's not a large percentage of sales. You're blaming yourself for the High School Musical tweets?" he adds, curious. They are her fault, broadly speaking, but he wasn't sure she knew.

"If you don't keep coming up with hot takes, we don't have much to talk about."

He laughs. "I hope we'd come up with something."

"I hope so too."

The conversation lags, but it's not a bad lag. It feels like she's given him an opening, and it's his job to figure out how to take advantage of it.

The easiest way would be to simply propose a dinner date, as Bellamy suggested. But he's never been good at simple.

"You know, you never told me your favorite relationship on Friends."

"I didn't?"

"No, we usually talk about my opinions."

She levels her gaze at him, considering. "Do you know what I think when I watch Friends now?"

"No."

"They're all so young. And don't get me wrong, I met my husband when we were young, and the two of us were happy, but--sometimes it worries me how much emphasis we put on meeting people early in life. The younger you are, the more romantic it is. And that's one kind of romance, but it's not everything. It makes me want to shake all these kids and tell them that life doesn't end at thirty, or forty, or fifty. You'll keep on meeting new people, and you can still be happy."

He lets himself reach for her hand, and relief floods him when she lets him take it, even turns it over so she can squeeze his fingers. "So your favorite relationship on Friends is the one Rachel has when she's forty-five and Ross is dead?" he teases.

"I hope you're not comparing my husband to Ross."

He has to laugh. "No. I would never."

Abby's smile is warm, and it's suddenly so easy to not be nervous at all. "Good. Because the rest of that was right."

"Good," he agrees. "I was hoping you'd say that."

Sky Crew Reviews @kaneandgriffin New list from @kanemarcus: top 10 YA sci-fi books for adults! Up next, top 10 adult sci-fi books for teens. Age is nothing but a number.

Murphy @firstnameredacted Replying to @kaneandgriffin I will pay you to stop

Bellamy @bradburybell Replying to @kaneandgriffin and @firstnameredacted when are you actually going to unfollow like you keep saying you will? asking for a friend

Murphy @firstnameredacted Replying to @kaneandgriffin, @firstnameredacted, and @bradburybell I keep hoping I'm going to come back and he'll be normal again

SJW Cuck @kanemarcus Replying to @kaneandgriffin, @firstnameredacted, and @bradburybell Don't hold your breath.

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cosmosogler · 7 years ago

Text

hello. yesterday sucked.

i don’t even remember yesterday that well. i ended up hanging out with keegan and harrison for like an hour and a half, between 5:30 and 7, right before we proctored... we were swapping goofy youtube videos. at the end of my video my youtube recommendations popped up and i was like “NOOOOOOOOOOO” and tried to cover up my screen while having a panic attack, because i’m really cool.

i listen to video game soundtracks. i do not really want them knowing which video games i like. even though portal 2 is objectively the best game ever i just feel like... it’s hard to share fan made content with other people.

like when i mentioned i read fan fiction everyone got all weird about it like i was reading hardcore porn or something. i don’t like that feeling. that like... misunderstanding of what my interest is. then i end up rambling for two hours to explain my love for this piece of media and i bore the other person and then we’re back at square one.

but if i join, like, a fandom, i’ll be expected to only talk about that one thing. but i like lots of things!!! i dunno. let me listen to the blue sky “podcast” in peace.

i’ve never talked about that book with ANYONE, except to mention that it’s really good. and it is a novel. it takes that long to read.

anyway proctoring was boring so i spent some time counting all the left-handed students in the lecture hall, and then i played pokemon go, and then i wandered around staring intimidatingly at people. i am not intimidating at all, i wear a bow in my hair. but they looked at me like i was either gonna rip their heads off, or stark naked, and i’m not sure which.

also the stapler was loud as a gunshot and i flinched every time i had to staple someone’s exam together, which was 115 times.

i talked to the professor i was teamed up with though and we just talked about, like, moving to a new place and getting established i guess? i don’t know about you guys but i unironically like talking about the weather. leave me alone.

i actually can’t tell if i want to be alone or not. i feel sick like i want to be alone. but i also desperately want to talk about this stuff i like. i talked to keegan about competitive pokemon for 20 minutes and let him see my collection. well, “see,” because he is basically blind and didn’t even realize my ds had a top screen. he asked how many of my 270 pokemon are hacked and i said like 8. and that’s... true. in the ballpark of ten, i think.

he stopped playing after diamond and pearl so i had to explain hidden abilities and triple battles. i miss triple battles.

oh right, yesterday i had group therapy. i got some advice. i think i will try to implement it soon. basically the idea is to carry a notebook or a phone memo with you and to periodically question yourself and write down everything you are feeling. it might help me narrow down my emotions to more than “angry” or “confused.” and she said it helps you get to know yourself better too.

hey today i woke up on time again. i think snoopy had been laying on my feet because they were extremely warm when i woke up. i didn’t get enough sleep at all. i finished getting ready early so of course that means i got distracted and left for class a little late.

but i biked turbo fast i guess because i got to class right on time and started teaching right away. i think it went ok. i was completely exhausted about 3/4 of the way through my second lab though so the last half hour was a real struggle to help everyone finish. i don’t know why my last section has so much trouble finishing on time. it cuts into my lunch break before my meetings with danielle at the drc. or whatever other appointment i have to attend to that day. last week i didn’t even get a lunch break, i had to eat at the seminar thing, i mentioned.

but it’s my middle section, which i feel i teach the best, that’s been getting consistently the lowest grades out of my sections. so i dunno. i use the same rubric for all three.

so i forced down some lunch and graded for 45 minutes (skipped coffee cookie time on accident, i didn’t really feel like dealing with sam today anyway, maybe next week). and then i went to the drc. we arranged for my course to get dropped and i contacted financial aid about the change to my minimum full time credit hours. i haven’t heard back from them yet, but the minute i do i’m going to set up an appointment with my graduate advisor to get that settled. in the meantime danielle told me not to waste my time going to class and to worry about the long term stuff.

maybe since everyone is here all year round i can cajole one of the professors into leading an “independent study” where i can try to keep up with my e&m credit.

we finished that up in about 25 minutes so danielle spent a while asking about my emotions. i think they were good questions because for once i had answers i could put into words, sort of. she pointed out that i laugh when i mention something painful to me. i said i get that a lot. it’s... easier than acknowledging that it hurts. ESPECIALLY in front of other people. crying is awkward and makes people uncomfortable.

we went a little bit into, like, the reasoning behind my trust issues and how it affects me now. it really was painful giving a list of the people that have majorly wronged me. and now how i don’t tell people when i’m sad or angry with them because that might make them angry and why should i be angry if i don’t want to be around angry people. and i know that when people are angry with you it’s scary and i don’t want to spook the people i care about. and like, i don’t like people being angry around me, because even if they’re not angry at me specifically they will take it out on me. it’s not safe.

“wronged” as in, like, how jim ghosted on me. or the year craig spent telling me i was “too much” or taking my words out of context and making me look like a real monster to my friends.

she asked why i haven’t told sam directly to cut out the “cute” thing yet since it’s really rustling my jimmies. she said it was really disrespectful and i dunno it felt nice to hear someone else agreeing with me. well, it’s more like, she asked why i haven’t told sam how her words make me feel. i said it’s because it ain’t her business. danielle said that was fair enough.

telling people how their words make you feel is kind of, making yourself vulnerable to a person who literally just hurt you. hey, glad you’ve found my buttons! let me just make myself more vulnerable there for you. is that an easier target now? glad to help. let me know if there’s anything else i can do to make it easier for you to hurt my feelings.

i also mentioned the guy in the discord several weeks ago who went off on me for complaining about past romantic partners, because how *dare* i feel sad for being assaulted, because *he* can’t even get one date! i should be GRATEFUL for the attention!

involving a lot more curse words and insults to my mental faculties and character, of course.

man, i kinda hate having to add that tw tag to my posts because i mentioned something that happened to me. it does affect me though. and it’s better to warn people what they’re getting into. even if i just mention it once.

i felt a little bummed, but also, a little more on both feet mentally/emotionally after i left. i filled out my medical drop form and sent it to danielle to review. then i dicked around on the internet for like an hour while harrison came and sat in the office and dicked around on his phone. we didn’t really talk but we did throw candy at each other for a few minutes.

it’s so hard to show people the stuff i love. i mention it sometimes and if they don’t, like, immediately show interest i drop it forever. oz has been kind about the stuff i recommend. i’m trying to figure out which movie i want to watch with him over my thanksgiving break. i know it’s just an hour and a half or two hours, but it still feels like a huge energy investment.

one time i linked him a music video and he said it was “beautiful” and i was like, “I KNOW RIGHT???”

i’ve remembered that moment for a long time. that was many years ago.

i graded until after 8 and finished one more section. two more to go before i am officially in the clear. then i will only be 2 weeks behind! for those 3 sections each!!! i also uploaded the grades to keep my supervisor posted on my progress a little better, and adjusted some formatting preferences on the excel file to make it easier for me to find stuff right away.

i think my grade averages are maybe the lowest out of my friend group. i’m so concerned about doing right by my students and then i end up being kind of a hardass when it comes to actually taking off points haha... it’ll get curved back up at the end so i’m not too worried. i just feel bad that my students have to look at their 12/20 because i know how demoralizing that is. i think i will send out an email later and offer some resources if i can find any.

the problem is that i had 4 or 5 curve breakers so i couldn’t just scale up everyone’s scores at the end.

anyway once i got home i made a microwave meal because it was like 8:50 and i just wanted food. i did all my dishes and hid some cookies for snoopy and cleaned her litter genie thing since it, uh, malfunctioned the other day and i just didn’t have time to fix it until tonight. and i swept the bathroom afterward so that looks better and doesn’t smell like cat pee.

ok it is six minutes after my “stop writing” time. i would like to get enough sleep tonight for once. i just have a lot on my mind and not much desire to deal with my dreams.

i saw my friends again. i was just watchin em, i couldn’t really interact with the dream at all. they were trying to figure out some deja vu feelings. i couldn’t say anything to them that might help clear it up though. unable to get the message across.

i think keegan asked what kinds of dreams i have that i don’t like sleeping very much. oh i mentioned i don’t like naps because i get horrible nightmares. he asked how i ever sleep then and i said i guess eight hours is long enough for the dreams to calm down. THEN he asked what kinds of dreams i have. i said i dream about my eyes rotting out, or the skin coming off my hands, or blood and gunk just coming out of my mouth in a constant stream. he and harrison said please stop.

i am not sure how to bring up dream friends with them. i mentioned it to suzanne one time on the way to spaghetti day when we were swapping dream concepts. and i am not sure if they are even interesting enough to bring up. i’m not sure what to make of them at all. i guess it makes being awake feel less real. because i’ve met all these people in my dreams and i don’t always remember what i say to them but they feel real to me.

you know, i did bring them up a little bit. i mentioned that i meet a lot of people in my dreams and that most of them are dead now. that prompted a joke about how we are all dead to keegan until he sees us again in the morning. it was funny and it made me feel a little better, but with most of them like, i watched them die. it’s not a matter of “haven’t been in touch.”

i just don’t know how to describe how i feel about the dream guys. it feels dumb to care about something like that when they’re not even real, they’re people i made up in my head. like it’s almost egotistical to pay attention to them or be concerned for their safety. i guess it depends on how you interpret dreams. collective consciousness? random nonsense? processing our day by making random associations? who knows. maybe a little of all of them.

maybe it’s easier for my brain to handle being concerned about people i made up and put into danger myself than it is for my brain to be concerned about me and the problems i make in my own head.

i was talking to keegan and jennica and harrison at our meeting before the proctoring started. we were talking about how we have all adopted keegan’s “that’s no good” whenever we see something we don’t like. harrison joked that that’s how he would introduce keegan to a stranger. then he said he would introduce me to a stranger by saying something like “this is sammie. she’s depressed.”

i guess i felt kinda bad. i said “wow, good to know that depression is my defining character trait. it’s the one thing about me everyone notices!”

maybe the others felt bad too because i don’t think we talked about that much more. it’s hard to remember.

i still say things nic used to say in high school when we dated. like “wow! WOW! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW” is a good one. i think “smooth like sandpaper” is a phrase he picked up from me but we both said it a lot.

people stay with me. even when i don’t want them to. i still make jokes that shade toward stuff craig used to say. i still make jokes that jim really liked. when i caught myself using that old stupid punch line i had to stop and feel kinda sick for a few minutes actually.

i wonder if that’s all that people pick up from me? “this is sammie. she has depression.” i say things that i think are hilarious all the time but i don’t know if other people pick it up. i have like fifteen different words for “angry.” maybe my speech pattern is just odd enough that people don’t really copy me.

i’ve never really talked like a normal person. most of my vocabulary comes from reading. books, internet message boards, video games, international students in high school. i still mispronounce words and i have so much trouble with names that i, like, try to avoid referring to people by name at this point.

danielle said i should try to make myself more vulnerable to my friends. so maybe they can understand me better. and maybe i will understand them better.

but i tried that already. it didn’t work. i’m not stupid. i’m not gonna try something a million times if i know it’s not gonna work.

just kidding, i’m still studying physics. of course i’m gonna beat my head against a wall until either the wall or my head breaks!!!

danielle said she admired how strong i am for continuing to get up and work hard every day. she asked how i was feeling. i said “not very strong.”

it doesn’t feel like strength. it just feels like. boredom. maybe. i don’t know what else to do and i get restless. may as well do stuff.

#tw assault

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