#but today i saw a kid pick a flower and it felt like the most beautiful thing that had ever happened'

[butchviking]

i hate being a mentally ill adult actually. i hate that there’s always groceries to be bought and housekeeping to do and work in the morning i hate that we have no space to feel it all i hate that we walk around acting normal. there are so many people i know who are clearly deeply unhappy with their lives and we make silly little jokes that allude to it but sometimes i want to grab them by the shoulders and scream ‘i know you are miserable!! we can’t keep living like this!! this is why people break!!’ im sick of this drudgerous apathy i want us all to be dramatic like when we were teenagers i want us to sob together and scream bloody murder at each other and tell each other we want to kill ourselves not as a funny post-ironic joke but because we all feel like that sometimes!! i want us to get fucked up on god knows what til we can’t open our eyes i want us to take care of each other instead of always taking care of ourselves i want us to be vulnerable i want us to hold each others hands in the ambulance!!

[seungfl0wer]

𝑨𝒔 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑾𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝑩𝒍𝒐𝒘𝒔

Chapter 1 -> Title: Flower Girl

Chapter Warning: Nothing really? Mentions of stomach pain? Sorry for any mistakes!

Series Master List

A/N: It’s finally here 😭 please this is a lot of backstory and stuff so I hope you guys enjoy it! I’m honestly nervous posting it, like super nervous.

-🐾

You sighed loudly as you got out of bed, stretching moving to crack your back. “Ugh that was a rough night” you grumbled walking toward your door. As you walked down the stairs you were greeted by your mom who had just baked some cookies. “Hey sleepy head you were supposed to be up already, your dad needs help down at the shop” she said giving you a little packed lunch. “Do I get a cookie with my lunch?” You smiled as you peered over her shoulder to grab one. “Nuh uh these are for my meeting today” she said swatting your hand away.

You whined making her roll her eyes “there’s one in your bag, now go. You’re already late” she said poking your side. You smiled putting your shoes on quickly slipping out the door waving bye to her.

As you reached your dad’s store you could see the few cars already parked outside. Walking in you were greeted by smiling regulars. Your mother and father ran a business together one side was hers where she made baked goods and coffee. The other side was his where he sold gardening supplies and plants. He was known as a handy man around the town. He helped fix a lot of things for people, like pipes, floors, roofs you name it. You helped in both aspects however you enjoyed helping your dad with landscaping the most. Planting beautiful floral arrangements and crops.

As you sat your stuff down you heard your dad grumble in the back. Following the noise you saw him struggling to grab something from a shelf. You couldn’t help but laugh a bit making him turn his head. “Bout time you get outta bed” he teased. “Hey hey you keep it up and I’m not gonna help you get that” you teased back. Your parents were very kind people, they always did what was best for you. Always tried to do right by you and make sure you were always taken care of.

“Are you gonna help or just hold up the wall?” He joked. You rolled your eyes before stretching to grab the bag, a sharp pain going through your stomach. You winced almost dropping the heavy dirt bag on yourself. “Ah- y/n be careful” he said grabbing it from you. You grabbed your side rubbing it, the pain was gone already. You thought it was just from the weight of the bag so you continued your day not thinking much of it. As you were picking up some trash from the side you felt the sharp pain again. This time it didn’t stop right away, the pain went straight through your stomach.

You groaned out sitting a bit down as you tried to ease the pain. However it only started to grow more, you didn’t know what to do so you yelled for your dad. You could feel tears pricking as the pain intensified. It felt like someone took a knife and just slid it through your ribs. When your dad got to you he stopped dead in his tracks. A smell you hadn’t noticed radiating off of you. He quickly picked you up helping you into the shop. He took you into the back room shutting and locking the door quickly.

“Y/n didn’t you take your medicine today?” He asked his eyes looking over you worryingly. You nod “I- I did- I haven’t missed a day” you stammered out “ugh why’s it hurt so much” you said voice breaking. His eyes widened looking almost panicked “I need to make a call. Do. NOT. Leave this room. Got it?” He said sternly. You nod again before he left he kissed the top of your head ��don’t worry ok?” He said before ruffling your hair a bit. He left the room leaving you there hunched over in pain.

A few minutes had gone by before you heard your dad’s voice “Are you fucking kidding me? How’s that even possible?” He said. His voice full of anger and worry you wondered what and who he was talking to. You heard the door open seeing him peer in, he scrunched his nose a bit looking at you.

“Y/n, sweetheart.. we have.. we have a problem” he said pulling up a seat to sit beside you. “The pills that help suppress your scent and heat are.. well since you’re getting older they’re kind of.. not working anymore especially since you’ve been taking them for so long. He said his voice almost shaky like he was scared. Ever since they found out you were an omega they had you put on these pills that suppressed it. Especially your smell and heat. They did this for your own safety and happiness. They wanted you to grow up free of the label. Free of others trying to get to you simply for what you were.

They knew how packs were, how they treated omegas. Most packs anymore couldn’t get ahold of a true omega a lot of them hiding or settling down with a loner. They were also very worried about how you fell into an almost alpha category as well. A lot of wolfs anymore had “tendencies”. What use to be mating for genes and keeping “pure bloods” has almost all but gone. Now everyone is a bit whatever? Both of your parents are betas however your grandmother and grandfather were an alpha and omega couple.

You turned out to be an omega however you had “alpha tendencies” which was almost unheard of. Even if they found you a good mate that aspect of you could ruin it.

The way your dad looked at you almost like he failed you. “The doctor said it could also be because of the alpha like side you have.” He said. He pulled you close to him holding you into a tight hug “my little girl.. I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you from this” he said his words almost choking in his throat. You held onto him the pain still surging through your stomach. “So.. what can we do?” You said softly looking up at him. Those big puppy eyes of yours making his heart ache “I don’t know, but I’ll find a solution” he said rubbing your back.

He closed the shop up early taking you home to get you comfortable. Your mom coming home giving you some extra cookies she had left. The pain was slowly dying down but your scent was strong. Although you had these tendencies you were just an omega. The smell of you radiating through the room like a sick honey smell. Your head was spinning from the whole day. You curled up with your pillows falling asleep quickly.

As morning came you could hear your dad talking again. His phone has been blowing up all morning. The news must have gotten out because you saw a post “well known daughter of (father’s name) has been discovered to be an omega.” A chill went up your spine looking at it seeing the comments.

—🐾—

A rustle coming down the stairs sounding like a stampede. “Chan look!” The bright eyed boy says to the older one. “We’ve talked to her before! And she’s an omega!” The blonde says holding his phone in the other’s face. He snatches the phone looking over the article “it’s the pretty flower girl” he said softly looking at the phone smiling. “Chaaan! You should talk to her dad!” He said eyes sparkling at him. “What makes you think he’s gonna let me have his daughter lix?” He said with a chuckle.

“Come on if anyone will take care of her well it’s us! Where also you know.. the biggest pack here that takes care of everyone” he says rolling his eyes a bit. “You gotta try at least!” He said with a pout. Chan lets out a deep breath “fine, I’ll contact him and see what I can do.”

And he did he rang up your father talking for a bit “I know with the news out you’re gonna be bombarded with other people but let me take her? Let me make her our omega and we’ll treat her like the queen she is” he said over the phone. Your father was thinking a mile a minute “how do I know you’re gonna keep her safe?” He questioned “how do I know you aren’t just gonna hurt her and.. use her?” He continued.

“Sir, I promise I’d never let anything happen to her or do anything to hurt her. I’ve seen her many times in there and even before the news I thought she was just such a beautiful angel” Chan rambled on.

Your dad sighed a bit “come over and we can talk about this?” He said giving Chan the address to your home. After getting off the phone Chan had an audience now. “So?” Felix asked all eyes on Chan. “I’m going to talk to him. We’ll see how it goes” he said grabbing his jacket. “I’ll be back later” he said before leaving.

—🐾—

This brings us to now. A wide known alpha in your town a very wealthy one at that standing downstairs. You peered down when you heard the unfamiliar voice accidentally locking eyes with him. It felt like your heart hitched up into your throat. It was beating so loudly you swore it was shaking the whole house.

“Ah- there’s my sweets” your dad says with a hopeful smile. “Come here?” He asked patting the chair beside him. Your body was almost frozen but somehow you started to move. You smiled politely at the man before sitting down. Your mom came over sitting some cookies down for everyone to snack on.

“So.. let’s get to it hmm?” Your dad says breathing out loudly. “Bangchan here, would like too.. have you as his omega. His mate.” Your father spoke. His words circled in your head you wanted to say something but your eyes were locked on the man infront of you. “What do you think?” Your dad said taking your hand. “Why do you want ME as your mate? Is it souly for what I am?” You spoke bluntly. Chan smiles a bit finding your bluntness a bit funny. “Well not exactly, I’ve always thought you were beautiful when I’d come in the store. However I know your dads kind of in a hard place here with you”

You looked over at your dad and he just nodded a bit “I would have offered him money but I can’t really put a price tag on you.” He said with a smile. Ugh his smile. It had your heart thumping even more. You had to admit, seeing him come in the store you’d definitely developed a crush. He was very handsome, his cute little dimples poking out as he smiled.

“He’s the best option y/n, I’ll at least know you’re safe and can still see you.” He said rubbing your hand. “Have you told him about the uhm problem though?” You asked. Chan tilted his head looking at you both. “Not yet” your dad said looking over at him. He sighed a bit “y/n has alpha tendencies.” He said. “Which basically just means she can get more controlling, more aggressive and her heats can be a bit more intense.” He said studying the man’s face.

“Just sounds like she’s a strong woman, someone who’s not afraid to fight for what she wants. Not afraid to protect her pack” he said with a that big smile. “It doesn’t bother you?” The question slipping past your lips. He chuckles a bit “No? Should it?” His voice sounded almost teasing. You felt a blush creep up as he smiled once again, The sight making him smile even bigger.

“So it’s settled then? You’ll be mine. Ours?” He said looking at you. You tilted your head a bit “ours?” You questioned. He nodded “My boys will love you just as much. They’d be basically your other mates.” He said cocking his head to the said like you. “It’s a new way these packs are running” your dad spoke looking over at him. Chan nodded “yeah, plus they already are excited to see you. I can’t keep you all to myself, you’re to beautiful not to share” he said his cheeks blushing a bit at his words.

“I know it’s a lot but you don’t hav-“ he started before you cut him off. “I want to. I’ll do it. I’ll be your omega. As long as you promise I can come see my family” you said words sounding like a plea. He couldn’t help the big smile that spread across his face. “Of course! I’d never keep you from them! I’m not trapping you with us silly. You’re free to come and go, although I’d feel safe if one of us would join you. I know how others are” he said looking over at your dad who nodded.

“Welp I guess it settled! You’re coming with me” he said eyes smiling at you. “I’ll come back tomorrow for you if that’s ok? I’ll let you guys have time together” he said standing up. Bangchan shook your dad’s hand, giving your mom a hug before looking at you “may I hug you?” The way he asked his voice soft, sweet like sugar. You nod and before you knew it he had his arms around you. He pulled you into a big hug and it just felt- felt so warm? So cozy and loving like this was where you were meant to be.

When he pulled away his cheeks were bright red “I can’t wait for you to meet the rest of the boys. God they’re gonna love you” he said kissing your cheeks almost quickly. “I’ll see you tomorrow, your dad has my number if you’d like to talk tonight” he said. With another smile and a wave he was gone.

So many thoughts circled your head but you were almost excited for this new chapter in your life. Excited to feel what it felt like to be yourself. Not someone hiding.

—🐾—

As Chan opened the door to his place, he chuckled a bit at the scene in front of him. The boys all sitting in the living room presumably waiting for him. As the door opened their head turned to look at him. “Chan! So so!” Felix said running towards him. He tried to play it like you said no but he couldn’t hide the smile. “You can’t lie old man tell us” he heard a voice coming from the couch. He rolled his eyes “she said yes!” He said a big smile plastered across his voice. “No way!” Felix squealed hugging Chan tightly. “When is she coming? Does she know about us? Do you think she’ll love all of us?” Felix’s questions seemed never ending.

Chan chuckled “tomorrow, yes and of course she will” he said ruffling his hair a bit. The boys talked amongst themselves before one of them spoke “I’ll go to the store tomorrow and get some stuff” he said. “I’ll get stuff to make a good dinner tomorrow” he continued. “You know what she likes?” He asked. “Minho, anything you make I’m sure she’d love” Chan said back to him making the other man smile. “Changbin and I will put her room together, the rest of you need to clean the house.” Chan said looking around.

“Can I make cookies? I know her mom bakes so I’m sure she would like some” Felix said with a smile. Chan nodded “yeah that sounds good!” As the boys talked Chan noticed your father had sent him your phone number. He quickly saved it texting you “hey there beautiful, I just wanted to ask what some of your favorite things are? Like food and stuff? Oh oh what’s your favorite color?” He asked sending the message. You felt your heart do a little pitter patter as you smiled reading his message. You texted back a small list of your favorite foods and snack. Telling him a few colors you liked. You looked around your room realizing most of your stuff was black blue or red. You laughed a bit “majority of my stuffed animals are blue, but the rest of my room is darker colors. I wear a lot of darker colors too” you texted.

“Oh so mysterious🫢” he texted back making you giggle.

“Oh yeah totally, not because black matches everything or anything like that” you teased. You thought to yourself how easy it seemed. How easy it seemed to talk to him, to feel comfortable.

“I hope you sleep well beautiful, everyone is excited to meet you. I’m excited to be able to have you here.” He messaged back.

You could feel your cheeks heat up making you smile like some high school girl texting her crush. “I hope I don’t disappoint” you texted back. You rolled over thinking to yourself. ‘I really hope they all like me.. I hope I’ll live up to their standards’

“Never could beautiful.” He texted. Sending another one right after “oh here!” He sent a picture of all of them. “From left to right it’s Jisung, Minho, Changbin, Seungmin and the three below are Jeongin, Hyunjin and Felix” he texted.

“Where are you?” You said studying the picture.

“Oh I took the photo” he texted back. The boys around his were already cleaning the place up a bit.

“Oh :(“ you replied back you pouted a bit.

He chuckled at your reply sending a selfie of himself. “Sorry love here’s a picture of me, all you had to do was ask” he said making himself chuckle a bit.

Seeing the pet name made your heart pound if your cheeks were warm before they’re on fire now. “You all are so very handsome..” you sent the message as you were about to type back something like ‘to handsome for me’ he replied.

“Handsome men just for their beautiful mate” he texted. He was all blushy now telling the boys how you think they’re handsome. The roars and hoots that came from them made him laugh. Your heart thudded again you wanted to squeal at his words before you could text back he was texting you again. “Get some sleep my love, we’ll see you in the morning!” He texted.

You sighed a bit knowing you better cause it was gonna be a long day tomorrow. Getting comfy you texted back one more time “fine fine, good night. I will see you.. and everyone tomorrow. Hope you all sleep well. Good night handsome.. goodnight other handsomes” you giggled a bit yawning before curling up into your bed.

He blushed at your words “goodnight my love, we all can’t wait to see you. They all said goodnight as well.” Chan texted back. “Alright boys, we’ll continue to clean in the morning but we should all sleep.” He said getting up patting Minhos back with a smile. “Bed let’s go” Minho said standing up. The rest of the boys following suit. Their minds spinning with happiness, excited for tomorrow. Excited to see their beautiful mate.

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

💙 If you’d like to read more of my stuff you can find it Here: Master List . Thank you for reading and if requests are open or you just wanna talk feel free to send me something🩵

Taglist: @satosugu4l @do-you-remember-summer-127 @xines16 @minh0scat @troublemaker02 @tr-mha-fan @stayconnecteed @minniesverse @ldysmfrst @jehhskz @lunearta @hello-stranger24 @justastraymoa @hyun-prince @catlove83 @lunearta @iknow-uknow-leeknow @chocolateislife @jisungs-iced-americano @doitforbangchan @minghaosimp @jeonginsleftcheek

[livingbreathingdreams]

❤︎ Lavender Girl

Pairing: Neighbour!Joel Miller x Reader no outbreak AU

Summary: Your new neighbor's daughter is fascinated with the lavender in your yard.

A/N: Made this for Jett's Flora and Fauna challenge 💜

Divider by @saradika-graphics

Ever since you had moved onto the quiet street in an Austin suburb you spent as much time as possible in your yard. All the years you had spent living in cramped city apartments your heart had yearned for the peace of nature. Remembering the quiet hours you had spent in your grandma's garden, planting vegetables, smelling roses and watching the butterflies dance around the lavender bushes. The rows of lavender along your freshly painted crisp white picket fence had been the first thing you planted.

The new neighbours on the street were all nice enough. Stopping at your fence for a short chat on their dog walking route, waving at you on their way to get the paper, letting their kids admire your flowers when they came by walking to the bus stop. But one neighbour in particular was your favorite.

He had offered to help you with your boxes and recommended his favorite family-run hardware store to you when you moved in. When he had his coffee on the front porch and you watered your flowers in the dewy morning hours, when most people were still asleep and everything still felt soft and slow, you had quiet conversations over the fence, that felt like the warm honey on a sore throat. There was a calm about him, that made you feel safe and made you want to sit next to him on the porch swing, leaning your head against his shoulder.

Then there was his daughter Sarah. Sarah was a little shy, never exchanging more than a few words of greeting with you before escaping into their home. But you could tell she really liked the lavender. Every time she walked by, she got a bit slower and breathed in deeper to savor the smell.

The first time you saw her sneakily pick some of the lavender flowers you just smiled to yourself and said nothing. She looked adorable, glancing around to see if someone had been a witness to her crime and then quickly skipping off into the safety of her home. You weren't mad at all. Flowers had always made you happy and you were glad your lavender could make someone else happy too.

Joel became a steady presence in your life, even though your relationship stayed separated by a white picket fence. You could feel the warmth he emitted in his laugh, in his voice, in the way he spoke to Sarah softly, he spoke to you with a sort of reverence. So one balmy Saturday morning you decided to be brave and make an attempt to get all of you on the same side of the fence.

You picked a jar of your homemade lavender honey and your nicest purple stationery to write an invitation, leaving both things in front of Joel's door and retreating giddy with anticipation. And it didn't take long for Joel to step out, coffe in hand, nealy tripping over the honey jar. He picked up the folded letter and began reading.

Dear Joel, I thoroughly enjoy our conversations. Maybe we should have one at a table, together? I was hoping to invite you and lavender girl to a little tea party today at 3 pm. Your neighbor.

A smile spread on his lips. He had also observed Sarah sneaking some of your lavender and gently told her that even though he was sure you didn't have a problem with it, taking things that belonged to other people was wrong. Looking up from the paper in his hand his eyes found yours, looking at him through the kitchen window, giving you a thumbs up, making butterflies erupt in your belly.

[bitchlessdino]

chan- your personal knight/guard. been by your side since what feels like practically forever and has protected you against pretty much everything. You both are close but despite knowing him for so many years and being so close you realise you don’t actually know that much about him so on a walk maybe you’re just asking him random questions about him and learning more about him as a person. Somehow the conversations moved from something like his favourite colour to why he’s not settled down and without missing a beat he’s already answered because of you. Queue a love confession from your knight/guard that you reciprocate.

On a regular basis struggling with cheol and chan rot but today felt fluffy- idk i just think chan would be so sweet as your guard like him being super protective like ‘don’t pick that flower it might be poisonous let me check it’ and it’s like a dandelion or somet 😭

anyways just wanted to leave this with you and express how much I love your work!! I hope you have a good rest of your day or evening and genuinely thank you for taking the time to write on here, i truly appreciate the fact you take time out of your own day to read peoples requests and write whatever comes to mind <33

Pairing: royal!reader x bodyguard!chan

Genre: fluff

Word count: 3.1k

tags: royal au, overprotective chan, yearning, childhood au, love confessions, misunderstandings

author note: I forget how much fun fluff can be and I thought this concept was so cute also to the person requesting. I hope you like it. I love taking requests, including this one and i apprecate your kind words so much. we could all use your positivity. 💕

You remember when you first met Chan. He was the son of the Head of security that would tend to your father's every public and private safety. In a land ruled by a monarchy, these things were just necessary. You’ve been taught about the value you hold simply because of your bloodline and how you were the most precious there is, you must be protected and guarded at all costs. That’s where Chan came in.

He always claimed to be destined to take on a job much like his father, promising to protect you until the end of your days. That was a huge proclamation for an 8-year-old. He carried a wooden sword wherever he went and always had that big goofy smile on his face. It was his life goal to be strong and dependable like his father, and you believed he one day would.

That was the first and last time you saw him until he was officially appointed your personal bodyguard when he turned 18 years old. You were taking etiquette classes and studying scholarly journals of your country’s history, he trained day and night, mastering every possible martial art to exceed expectations as a protector. He was much different when he returned to you, and much stronger as well. He did not disappoint, but the light in his eyes as a child seemed to have faded, leaving a solemn shell of a man who lives to serve his master.

“Chan!”

He responds promptly. He stands by your side in an instant in proper attire, fit for both professional settings and in case he needs to be active, and meets your eyes. “Yes, your highness.”

“Bake with me.”

He blinks, “Your Highness. Would you not rather have the chefs bake something for you if sweets are what you desire?”

You stare back at him pointedly, crossing your arms, “Are you talking back to me?”

His gaze perks up at the accusation, immediately shaking his head, “No, your high—“

You laugh, doubling over at his panicked expression. “Just kidding. I wanted us to bond! No better bonding than creating delectable pastries. No objections.”

“Yes, your highness.”

He was there whenever you needed him. He never told you ‘no’ and he always did what you told him to. All done with a stone face. He took his duty seriously. He was far from who he used to be, which was probably a given, it had been around a decade. That’s when you executed a plan of action to peel away those layers, hoping to find the cute boy that childishly wanted to blindly protect you. 

It was over time you saw progress, seeing him smile at every comment or the little mistakes you couldn’t help but make (you swear to him you’re normally more graceful than that) when he thinks you aren’t looking. You loved that: making him laugh. He has a beautiful smile. And the more you spent time with him, the more it feels he knows you, even bringing things you need without you even having to ask, but what was it you know about him?

“Chan.”

Right on the dot as always. “Yes, your highness.”

“Walk around the garden with me.” You take his hand before he can even answer and had him trodding beside you out of the palace.

“Please slow down, your highness.”

You practically dragged him, it was necessary given the Palace’s size.

“There is very little daylight left. We must make the most of our day. This is a royal order!” You playfully command.

“It is 3 pm, your highness!”

“Royal order!”

You walk side by side with him taking in the air, the freshly cut grass, and hearing the birds sing their sweet melody. Calling it a beautiful afternoon was an understatement. Even after living in the place you call home for so long, there is more that surprises you. “Doesn’t the sky look extra blue today, Chan?”

He softly grins. “It does, your highness.”

You turn your head, watching the smile slip out of view, “Speaking of which, what is your favorite color, Chan?”

He thinks for a moment. “Blue, actually, your highness.”

You offer him a wide grin. “That suits you very well. I’m glad I know that. How was it that you’ve protected me for so long and I never knew that?”

Chan is quiet at that, not sure how to answer.

“My favorite color is green, or was it purple?” You cross your arms in thought, a single finger tapping against your cheek, “Last week it was pink.”

“It should be yellow, your highness. You decided to wear the yellow two-piece today.”

You look down at your attire and confirm his statement, seeing the pretty outfit you properly picked out the day before with Chan. You twirl, watching how the sun reflects off the expensive fabric, “You’re right. Looks like you know me better than I know myself again, but of course.”

His eyes fill with concern. “Does that make you uncomfortable, your highness?”

“No. Not necessarily. It just feels very one-sided. You know so much about me, but I feel like I know so little about you.” You skip ahead of him and you hear his footsteps catching up.

“I apologize, your highness. I never believed it was necessary information.”

“Of course, it is. How am I supposed to trust you if I know nothing about you?” You pointed out nonchalantly.

“I apologize again, your highness. This was careless of me.”

You turn around and let him stand beside him and push him ahead, “Nevermind that. What’s your favorite food?”

He stumbles slightly but does not let the matter phase him, used to you treating him much like a companion rather than the help, “Barbeque.”

“Favorite animal?”

“Otters.”

“Favorite ice cream flavor?”

“Chocolate.”

“Least favorite thing about me?”

“Nothing.”

“Ah ha–oh.” You tilt your head. “Nothing? Seriously?”

“There is nothing to dislike, your highness, and even if there was, I could not speak out on it. However, there isn’t.”

You blink back at him dubiously, an aggressive finger pointing at his chest, “Are you lying, Chan?”

“Not at all, your highness.”

He would have no reason to lie, you thought. And like he said, if he did, he much rather not answer. You stare at him for a little longer, scanning his frame before simply shrugging and continuing your leisure stroll.

“Hmm, alright. Favorite genre of music?”

“...girl group pop.”

Your eyes widen at that, smiling from ear to ear. “No way! Which group?”

The tips of his ears cause a hue of red, spreading all across his cheeks in an instant. “Apink…”

“Ooo, how refreshing. I would’ve never guessed.”

Chan was relieved to hear such a positive and encouraging response, feeling his hairs falter just a little bit, quite enjoying your company. “It’s very encouraging when I train. They lift my spirits.”

You chortle. “That’s quite endearing of you, Chan. I feel like I’m knowing you way better already.”

“That’s a relief, your highness.”

“What else do you like to do in your free time? You spend most of the day with me, even tend to events with me, but I have no idea what you do for fun?”

He was drawing a blank. What did he do worth mentioning? “Mmm, lots of activities. Such as…”

“Such as?” You egg on.

“Such as–-horseback riding, jousting, martial arts–”

You wave the list off. “Save the pleasantries. I mean real hobbies, ones not instilled by the palace. Things that are actually fun.”

“They are fun, you highness…But I guess I do like dancing.”

You perk up once more, strutting backward to talk while facing him, “Dancing? How lovely! You must show me how you move. This instant!”

He grows flustered, knowing they were still very close to the other guards and staff in the palace. He wasn’t sure he felt about showing off his moves this publicly. “Another time, your highness. I feel rather shy at the moment.”

“Oh, but you must, you must! What do you do? Ballroom? Contemporary? Interpretive–Wha!” You feel yourself trip over a rock, falling backward in slow motion, shutting your eyes for impact, until a strong pair of arms prevent you from collapsing.

“Your highness, are you alright?”

Feeling him pull you against his chest, you stare back into the eyes of your savior. His genuine fright and concern peek through his gaze and he grips your build extra firmly. He instinctively frowns, lips quivering anxiously, sweeping your stray hairs away from your face. You naturally melt in his embrace.

You nod, sighing a breath of relief. “I am fine, Chan. Thank you.”

“Who knows what you could’ve landed on.” His gaze scans over the bed of flowers behind you, vibrant and vivacious, “they could be poisonous for all we know.”

You allow yourself to land back on your feet, turning your gaze on the same bed of flowers. “Those are dandelions.”

Chan feels redder than a tomato in August. How is he constantly embarrassing himself, he thought to himself. “Oh. Well, better safe than sorry. Your Highness.”

You chuckle, infatuated by his thought process. “You truly are something, Lee Chan. Your significant other does not have a boring life with you around.”

“I don’t have a significant other, your highness.” 

“That's strange. I’d say you’re at the age to be married or betrothed. Why aren’t you?” You mention, decidedly walking side by side with him.

“Why, my work is the most important thing in my life. I do not have the time to commit myself to someone other than the royal family.”

You raise a brow, “Your father was married and had two kids by your age. If he could do it, I don’t see how you couldn’t.”

“Now, you’re sounding like my mother,” he jokes.

“She is a wise woman.”

He splays a bittersweet smile. “If I’m being honest, I’ve been given a few opportunities, but I don’t believe they can take the place of the person I hold in my heart. No one will.”

You clap your hands together in excitement. “So you are interested in dating? Tell, good sir. Who is the lucky lad or lass?”

“Someone far worthy than I’ll ever be and deserves more than what I can give them.”

You slightly shove him, finding such an assumption doubtful. “Oh please. You’re strong, you’re kind, you’re handsome…anyone would absolutely be ecstatic to have you.”

Chan felt warm all over, taking your words into careful consideration, “Do you truly mean that, your highness?”

“Are you doubting a royal?” You chuckle, “I do. Tell them. I am sure they would happily return your feelings.”

He halts his steps, and you quickly follow, curious about his abrupt actions, “...You ask me why I am still unwedded and untaken. How would you feel if I said you were the reason?”

“No excuses. You can’t use work as an excuse for your lack of love life.” You wag a finger at him.

“Not like that,” He takes your hand in his, bringing it up in mid-air, thumbing over the pristine skin of your knuckles, “How would you feel if I admitted the person I hold dearest to my heart is you, your Highness?”

A gust of wind takes you by surprise, the fallen flowers and leave being picked up with it and fall around you like a picture-esque scene in a movie. Your heart pounds a million times a minute, staring back in awe at his presence, overflowing with love and sincerity, and your eyes flutter from the breathlessness you feel in your chest and throat. You stare at Chan like the first time you were reunited with him, with pure unadulterated infatuation.

“Me, you say? Well, I’d say I was surprised, flabbergasted,…flattered.”

You feel the heat of your cheeks from the back of your free hand. “And inexplicably flustered.”

You release your hand from his grasp, the lingering sensation of his hand on your skin causing you to clench and release, and your heart easily audibly through your eardrums. You look towards the ground, finding it hard to meet your guard’s eyes. “Your choice of humor is rather brass.”

“Your highness–”

“It’s supper time. I must get going. I will see you back at the palace, Chan.”

You make your grand escape, clutching your frills, shielding your face from others in the palace with your arm before heading u to your room. You collapse against the bed, clutching your burning face in a silk pillow, yelling muffled songs of your fluster, reimagining the majestic look on his face when he confessed his feelings. Deep down you knew there was truth in his words, but how could you normally react to something so abrupt from someone so…admirable.

You embrace your pillow, push down your swelling heart, and smile. Tears of bliss fall to your cheeks and you can’t help but kick your feet like an excited schoolgirl.

You find yourself making glances at Chan when you reunite at the dinner. As usual, he does not have dinner with you but he stays by you for your own protection and eats afterward once you’ve finished. He’d look as solemn as he always did in front of other people. He took his job almost too seriously, sometimes even tasting your meal with a separate spoon in case it was poisoned. You used to laugh at his old-fashioned methods of work, there was technology for that sort of thing now, but you finally understand his devotion to his service. There more to meet the eyes, you realize.

When he follows you all the way up to your room for a night's rest, you part ways. You squirm in his presence, his confession fresh in your mind. “Good night, Chan.”

You are ready to run from him until he calls out to you, hesitancy in his voice. You meet his apologetic gaze, regretful of their last close encounter. He wishes you would not see him any differently, that he was simply a lowly guard and protector to you. His feelings towards you would not have changed regardless of your reaction. He knew his place and that was by your side as a human shield.

“Please take no more than a single thought at my confession today. Do not let it diminish my utmost respect and loyalty to the royal family. Have a good slumber, your highness.”

He retreats to his quarters conveniently not too far from your chambers, standing by the door, he gestures for you to enter your room and you obliged, watching his figure disappear behind your door. You fear that the air had changed between you, and perhaps not for the better. Your sleep would be anything but peaceful that night.

“Your highness, Good morning.”

He stands tall and firm with a smile as wide as a river. He holds beside him a fairly large trunk, gripping it by the handle.

You peer at his figure in worry, and earnest fear. “What is this, Chan?”

“I’ve decided to leave the palace forever. I realize my life was being wasted away taking care of someone who could never love me as much as I love them. So, I’ve taken on a lover of the same status.”

As if by magic a common lady appears, taking him by the arm and nuzzling his nose. They look in love, happy, and a sharp pain would shoot through your heart.

“No.” You chant.

“You will never see my face again. Goodbye. Your Highness.”

“Chan, no.”

The image of their silhouette gets smaller and smaller as they walk further away. You fall to your knees in desperation. “Chan please!”

You sob in your sleeves, hands reaching out to their shirking figures until you can only hear the echoes of your pleas.

“CHAN!”

You sit up from your bed, perspiration dampening your forehead and you are flushed to the touch. Clutching your sheets, you sigh a breath of relief that was only a dream. Soon after, your doors swing open, and a panicked guard in his baby blue nighttime attire runs to claim you, “Your Highness. I’m here. I’m here.”

His strong arms wrap tightly around your frame, soothing strokes to your hair, whispering to you it’d be okay. Your hands instinctively hold on to the fabric of his clothes, squeezing the flesh underneath, drinking in his soap’s scent and noticing how pleasant and just to your taste it was. “I know.”

He pulls you away to stare back at you, scanning you for any signs of danger placed upon you.

“I’m okay,” you reassure, “just a bad nightmare.”

“What foul image betrays you to cause such a reaction? I was ready to spar with whatever evil demon tried kidnapping you.”

He must’ve been still asleep, you assume. His colorful vocabulary, wakes you up delightfully.

“I am fine. I promise. Come, I’ll walk you to the door.”

You push him out of bed, meeting the exit, while your guard’s doubts seep out of him like a fountain. 

“Are you sure? Was it truly just a nightmare? Do you need new sheets? A snack to soothe you?”

“Not at all, all good, my good sir. Good night.”

You attempt to push him out completely but he holds you back from doing so, gripping the rims of the bedroom door. “I just want to assure you’re okay, your highness.”

You fall a little deep into those eyes, perceiving the truth of his word in them. It drove you insane how a simple confession could affect you this much. You brighten up your world, open your eyes, and made you feel alive, just like a person in love does. “I am. Just…don’t go anywhere. Stay right where you are.”

He gives a confused smile, his gaze softening the same way your tone does. “But your highness, you were just pushing me away a few seconds ago—“

You tug against his shirt and your lips for the first time make contact, his plush surface meeting yours seamlessly. Your hands clasp over his cheeks and neck, languidly moving them against him. You slowly process how he reciprocates, holding you to his chest tenderly, savoring your warmth, taste, and how it all excited him. The thin fabric between your body was the only thing to stop you, and the world around you simply disappeared. 

Before you both knew it, you were pulling him back into the bedroom. He’d quickly follow, doesn’t leave until the following morning, carrying out what he only imagined in his dreams, even if it was only for the night. It was the matter of his duty to keep you safe, to keep you happy. And he knew he could make you happy.

[buckysgrace]

Forty Nine

CW: Child abuse, noncon elements (nothing graphic), homphombic slurs, Billy just suffers basically

San Diego, 1972

“Let me see again,” She cooed, rubbing his soft baby cheeks, “Just one more time. Please.” She smiled brighter than the whole sun, with blue eyes as pretty as the ocean. Billy wrinkled his nose up, squinted his eyes and smiled so big that all of his baby teeth were showing. He was missing one of his front teeth and he had spent the day rubbing his tongue along his sore gums. It felt funny and swollen.

“It’s gone!” He proclaimed proudly, bouncing on the balls of his feet on the bench his mother had sat him on. He was still smaller than most of the kids in his class, but his mommy had said that was okay. She’d carry him in her arms most of the way home, right until they reached their driveway. He knew it made his dad mad, but he didn’t understand why. 

“I can’t believe you lost your tooth!” She proclaimed again, keeping his mouth open wide while her eyes searched inside as if he was hiding it somewhere. He giggled at the thought, thinking that it would be funny if he could attach his tooth back in his mouth. 

“It just fell out,” He exclaimed, wrapping his little arms around her shoulders as she picked him up and began the long way back to the house. He wished his dad would join them. He thought that they would all have fun, maybe his dad wouldn’t be so mad all the time if he saw how fun Billy was, “I was pushing on it with my tongue and boom! It fell out!” He held his hands up dramatically as he spoke, smiling big when she pretended to jump.

“Oh my,” She breathed out playfully, pretending to be scared, “You gave me the heebie jeebies!” She told him, tickling his soft side as he erupted into giggles. His backpack was much too large and bounced against his tiny body as she walked. His hair kept getting in his eyes, but he liked it longer because his mom would play with it more. She had stopped putting flowers in his hair after last week when his dad saw her do so. She still had a black eye from it and Billy’s bottom still hurt from where his dad had spanked him with his belt. 

“I’m sorry,” He grinned widely, resting his head against her shoulder as she walked. He liked how she always smelt like lemons. She had started to grow one outside of his window, but Neil had ripped it out some time ago. It made him sad. He liked watching how the leaves grew and the lemons would slowly ripen, “Don’t be scared.” He told her, as he brushed his chubby hand through her blonde hair.

“How could I be scared when I have you to protect me?” She proclaimed as she kissed his cheek again. He smiled, always feeling big and brave when she would tell him that. He wished he really was brave, then he could stop his dad from being mean to her. He dreamed about being grown so his dad couldn’t do that to her anymore. 

“Grrrr!” He put on his best mean face and held his tiny hands into fists to show off his muscles to her. She laughed, sounding prettier than any music he had ever heard. She placed him down gently, but held his hand tightly as they walked up the driveway. Billy bounced up the steps, up through the porch and into their big home. He used to pretend like he was a prince, fighting off dragons and invaders but stopped once Neil overheard him and spanked him for that too. He had called him a fag, only Billy didn’t understand what that meant. Only that it was bad and that he shouldn’t act that way. 

Neil wasn’t home yet, which meant that Billy was free to play as wildly as he pleased. He had a hard time sitting still but had learned to do so when his dad got home. It was hard. Sometimes Billy would have to excuse himself to the bathroom just to bounce around in there to get rid of the energy that bubbled inside of him.

“What did you learn in school today?” She took his backpack from him and placed it away, keeping it in a neat spot so dad wouldn’t complain about it. She sat on the couch, holding her arms out wide and pulling him into her lap.

“Rapunzel,” He breathed out, the L making an odd sound because of his missing tooth, “She had really long hair. Like you!” He told her excitedly, snuggling his head against his chest as she wrapped her arms around him. He liked afternoons like this, when it was just the two of them. He wished it could be like this more often.

“Like me?” She smiled as she held him, pulling him close to her chest. He liked listening to the sound of her heartbeat and feeling the way her chest would rise and fall as she breathed. He stayed there, sitting comfortably.

“Just like you.” He grinned, wishing that he could stay this way forever. He knew he wanted to be big, but he was afraid that once he was his mommy wouldn’t hold him like this anymore. He didn’t want that to happen. He wanted to be her baby forever. 

When dad got home, things were different. Billy always wanted to help his mom out, but dad would get mad if he saw him doing that. Billy really loved to help her cook but he wasn’t allowed to when dad was here. He was fishing through his backpack, pulling out his spelling words when he remembered what he had made today. 

“Here, mommy,” He proclaimed proudly, holding the picture up towards her. It was messy, full of childish scribbles with different colors and covered in glue in glitter. His mommy still smiled like it was the best thing she had ever received. Joy lit up her face and Billy felt a sense of pride inside of himself, “I made it!” He swayed back and forth, watching the way her eyes analyzed it over and over again.

“I love it,” She breathed out, looking at him with her big pretty smile, “I’m going to put it on the fridge.” The fridge was reserved for special spots. She had told him that when he first started school. He felt excited, the only other thing on the fridge was his school pictures. She walked over, just barely picking the magnet from the fridge when dad was yanking the picture out of her hands.

“What’s this?” He scoffed, looking at it in disdain. Billy felt his smile slowly begin to fall and he stopped moving so much, not wanting to get flicked on the back of his head for doing so. He wiggled his toes in his socks, feeling tense as his father looked it over.

“Billy made it,” She smiled, still thinking that nothing was wrong, “Isn’t it beautiful? I think we have a little artist on our hands.” She looked towards Billy and winked at him. He relaxed a bit, thinking that he didn’t need to be scared if she wasn’t. Dad laughed and for a moment Billy thought that everything was okay. His little heart ripped into tiny pieces as Neil crumbled the paper into his fist before shredding it.

“What kind of pansy shit is this?” Dad laughed before he tossed it in the garbage in front of Billy. He was on him before he could react, grabbing him by his hair and forcing him to look up at him, “I thought I had a son, not a little girl.” He was squeezing Billy’s hair so hard that tears were beginning to form in his eyes. 

“Neil,” She stepped forward quickly, looking at him alarmed, “Jesus it was just a picture.” She sounded angry as she grabbed a hold of his other wrist, trying to force him to let go. Billy never understood. For as much as his dad hit her, she never backed down. She was always talking back, fighting back. 

“Are you going to cry?” He mocked Billy, tugging on his hair tighter and earning a cry from the boy. Tears were rolling down his cheeks now because of how badly it hurt. He was yanking the young boy around like he weighed nothing, “Pussy.” His dad shoved him back harshly, nearly knocking him over in the process. Billy whimpered, reaching for his sore scalp. 

“I’m not a girl.” Billy spoke quickly, trying to defend himself. Dad backhanded him quickly, popping him in the mouth. Billy tasted blood in his mouth as his sore gums burst into pain. His other front tooth felt loose now as he rubbed his tongue along his mouth. Dad glared at him, and Billy found himself running away, his little legs carrying him as he burst into tears. He knew that crying only made his dad more upset and right now his mouth hurt so bad that he didn’t care. 

“Go cry, fucking pussy.” He could still hear his dad even after he shut his door behind him. He cried, curling up into a ball under his blankets as the blood dripped from his lips. He didn’t know why his dad didn’t like him. He had a lot of friends in his class, his teacher said he was a well-behaved boy. He just didn’t get it.

It took a while until the screaming stopped. He was still shaking under his blankets, upset about his picture. He had worked so hard on it; he had been so proud. Billy wasn’t sure how long it was after that until his mommy came into his room. Her nose was bent in an odd way and the other side of her face was now bruised. 

“Sunshine,” She whispered softly, her voice hoarse as she joined him in his tiny bed. They both fit in it as she pulled him towards her chest. He cried, feeling safe in her arms as he did so. He wished he was big again, he wished he was able to make his dad stop being so mean, “It’s okay.” 

“It’s not okay,” He was sniffling, breathing hard as he tried to catch his breath, “He ripped up my picture.” He replied pitifully. He didn’t really like art that much anyways, but he had worked hard on it. He wanted to give his momma a present. She cooed softly, wiping the tears from his red cheeks.

“I know,” She told him softly, holding him closer to her, “I’m sorry, baby. I loved that picture. Next time, I’ll hide it.” She spoke gently, pushing a blonde curl behind his ear. He hiccupped, nodding his head as she rocked him in her soft arms. 

“Promise?” He asked, looking up at her with teary eyes. She looked down at him, an emotion crossing her face that he didn’t understand. He didn’t like seeing her sad. He didn’t like seeing her hurt. He wished he could take that all away from her. 

“I promise,” She rubbed her finger across his cheek softly, “You’re such a special boy, Billy. Don’t ever forget that.” She kissed his forehead gently. He sniffled again but managed to smile at her, "Come here. I want to try something." She helped him off of his bed and crossed the room until they were in front of the mirror. She sat down and crossed her legs and pulled him onto her lap. He looked in the mirror, noticing how he looked exactly like her. He wondered if that's why his dad was so angry all the time. Maybe Billy was supposed to look like him. He looked in the mirror at his messy blonde hair and red eyes. 

"What?" He turned his head back to look up at her. She smiled down at him, gently placed a kiss on his head and then turned him to face the mirror again. She kept her fingers on his chin softly, keeping him looking forward at the mirror. It felt odd to look at himself for so long. 

"Can you repeat after me?" His blue eyes met hers in the mirror. He nodded his head unsure, watching as she wrapped her arms around his waist and pulled him close to her, "I am kind. I am smart. I'm worthy of love." He waited for her to say something else, but she didn't. He didn't really understand the implication of her words, but he nodded his little hand anyways.

"I am kind. I am smart," He smiled at that word, thinking of the various spelling awards he had received in his class. He was only in preschool, but he could read twice as well as everyone else, "I'm worthy of love." He finished his sentence with the nod of his head. His mama smiled brightly, lighting up the whole room. He suddenly couldn't remember what he had been sad about. Everything seemed fine in the world right now with her holding onto him. 

"You're such a good boy," She kissed his cheek again, peppering her lips against his chubby cheek repeatedly and earning a squeal from him. He giggled loudly, wiggling in her arms as she began to tickle at his sides. He tried to squirm away, his cheeks burning from how hard he was smiling, "My sweet little sunshine." She gave him one last kiss on his face before she let him plop against her lap dramatically. 

“Will the tooth fairy come tonight?” He asked innocently, his mouth still red from the blood. He didn’t know if the tooth fairy only visited good boys or girls. He had been excited for Santa at Christmas, until dad told him he had been bad and wasn’t getting anything. His mom had snuck him out for the day, telling him that Mrs. Claus did think he was good. He got a set of toy cars that he had placed neatly on the desk in his room. Dad would routinely come in and swipe them on the floor, criticizing the way that Billy had to have things in a certain order or position. She grinned, pushing more of his blonde hair out of his face.

“I bet she will, I bet she’ll bring you the best gift,” She reassured him, beginning to hum softly. She softly sang their favorite songs to him, as he found himself struggling to keep his eyes opened. He was half asleep against her chest, curled up to her like he was still a baby when she spoke again, “I love you so much.” 

1974

“I don’t understand,” Billy whined into the phone, cupping the phone to fit his face. He tried to think hard enough, picturing it was his mommy’s shoulder he was resting against instead, “Why can’t you come home?” It was getting harder to picture her face. He missed the smell of her, the way her blonde hair would tickle against his nose when she held him. She was always warm and smelt like flowers and the beach. Dad hated when she would hold him, he was always saying he was too big to be held. She would hold him anyway, in secret, and tell him that he would always be her baby. 

He didn’t understand how he was supposed to be her baby, when she was so far away. He missed her, all he wanted was to have her back. He didn’t understand what he had done wrong, what had made her leave without him. He was desperate to have her back. Dad wasn’t as mean when she was around.

His dad would be furious to know that he was up this late and talking to his mom. He just missed her so much. It made his eyes water and his tummy hurt. It was like he couldn’t eat when his mom was gone. It had almost been a year since he’d seen her, he’d been counting the days on a piece of notebook paper he had hidden in his desk. She had left after destroying the room next to his. He hadn’t understood, one day she had excitedly told him about how he would be a big brother. He had helped her pick out the colors of the room and had helped her paint when he was back from school. She had taught him how to assemble a crib, how to set up drawers and where the best place would be to position them. Dad had gotten mad one day after he got back from work, grown up talking that Billy couldn’t understand. He had yelled at his dad for hitting his mom and that had only seemed to make everything worse. He had never seen her bleed so much before. She was gone the next day, leaving a letter in place of an explanation. The nursery had been ripped apart.

He clung to one of their last happy memories. She had been cheering him on as he surfed, promising that she would always be there for him. They had spent all day at the beach and Neil had been furious to find out that she had bought food for some of his friends he had met that day. He didn't understand what the big deal was, the girl he had befriended had been so nice. He didn’t think that his momma was lying, he believed her when she said she was in a difficult spot right now. He wanted to help her; he just didn’t know how. 

“Oh sunshine,” Billy could hear people talking on the other side of the line. He thought he heard a baby crying but he wasn’t sure, “Things are just hard right now. Your daddy, I just can’t be around him right now.” She sounded tired and it made Billy sad. He didn’t want his mommy to be tired. He wished there was something he could do to help her. He hated being so little. He couldn’t wait to be big so he could finally stop his dad from being so mean. 

“Take me with you,” He said without another thought, almost demanding, “I can go with you.” His dad was scary, scarier than the monsters his grandma would tell him stories about. She had died a few months ago, right when his dad started to act worse. Billy missed her a lot but had learned not to say anything after his dad had spanked him with the belt after her funeral. Men weren’t supposed to cry, his dad had said.

The phone was silent for a second and Billy feared that he had lost his mommy again, “Your daddy can do a lot better than what I can, okay? I’ll come home soon. I promise. I love you.” She didn’t offer him a chance to protest, to beg and plead for her return. He would change his ways; he would even talk to his dad into acting better. He would do anything to have his mommy back. He was so upset, breaking down into tears in the middle of his room. He was scared suddenly as something filled the inside of his chest. He hated crying. Dad always got mad at him when he cried, he was a man. He wasn’t supposed to. Instead, he tore apart his room. Breaking his toys and ripping up the letters his mother had written to him. When he was finished, he sat cross legged in the middle of his room and stared at the mess around him with his eye that wasn’t swollen shut. He felt better.

He never heard from his mom again.

1977

Billy wasn’t sure why he did it or why he had thought it would be okay. Neil had worked late, and Billy just happened to be up late enough to watch the scary movie that had played. Now, he was shaking under his blankets and feared that something was lurking inside of his closet. Neil had taken away his lamp a few months ago, telling him that he needed to have a strict sleeping schedule and not stay up late.

The wind brushed against his window, knocking against it in the right way that left Billy imagining that he had heard voices. He shot out of bed, his little feet padding against the cold hallway as he made his way to his father’s room. He opened the door without another thought, walking towards Neil’s sleeping form.

“Dad,” Billy brushed his arm softly, “Dad!” He whispered louder, shaking Neil gently until he woke up. Neil brushed at his eyes, looking over at him in anger.

“What is it? What happened?” He was beginning to sit up, about to get out of bed to investigate. Billy felt a sheepish smile form, realizing it was silly to tell him that he feared there was a monster in his closet. He would only get in trouble.

“Can I lie in here? I’m scared.” Billy admitted softly, his voice full of innocence and hope. His dad was a lot of things, but he still took care of him. Neil’s blue eyes hardened.

“That’s why you fucking woke me up?” He cursed, making Billy flinch in the process, “Do you know what time it is? You’re a man. Go back to bed.” Neil responded harshly but Billy was still too scared to fully understand just how angry his father was. 

“Momma used to let me when I got scared,” Billy protested, desperately missing his mom at the moment. She would’ve wrapped him up in a warm blanket and an even bigger hug. She would’ve kissed his forehead and played with his soft curls, telling him that everything was going to be okay, “Why can’t I?” He hadn’t meant to whine; it just came out that way. Neil moved like lightning, gripping Billy’s forearm so tightly and forcing it backwards with a sickening crunch. 

He screamed out in pain, clutching his arm to his chest in horror as tears pooled out of his eyes. His arm burned in stabbing pain, it throbbed as he clung it to his chest in horror as Neil rose from the bed. His father gripped his shoulder tightly, squeezing with such strength that it forced another whimper out of Billy’s mouth.

“Are you going to cry like a little pussy?” Neil snapped; backhanding Billy so hard that he stumbled back. He tried to bite back the tears, but his arm was hurting so bad. He held it out pathetically with his good arm, trying to show his dad that he wasn’t able to move it. His cheek throbbed as he stared up at his father, searching for any sort of remorse, “I’ll give you something to cry about.” Neil yanked on the throbbing arm, leaving Billy howling in pain. He shot backwards quickly, clutching his arm to his chest as he fled his father's room in a storm of tears. He locked his door behind him, no longer fearing imaginary monsters. Monsters weren’t real. People were.

He laid on his bed, curling his knees to his chest and clutching his sore arm to his chest as he licked his wounds. HIs body shook in agony as he willed himself to fall asleep. He figured he had just popped his arm out of place again, his father would fix it in the morning. His pillowcase grew wet as the tears kept coming and he dreamed of his mother coming to save him. 

Neil had only delivered another smack to his young son when he asked about it the following morning. He was still forced to go to school, despite being able to move it. He had spent gym class in the bathroom crying after his sore arm got hit with a dodgeball. He continually thought about his classmate's face and how good it would feel once he was able to hit him again. Billy didn’t even try to tell his father that night, too afraid that Neil would purposely hit his hurt arm. 

Four days passed. Four miserable days of Billy trying to hide his sore arm from his father, from his teachers and hope that it would go back to normal. Neil had stopped smacking him across the face this school year. Billy’s school teacher was nice, but too concerned. She zeroed in on every single bruise he gained, constantly asking what happened and listening to see if his story ever slipped up. Neil hated her. 

“Let me see it,” Billy flinched when Neil approached his room. Billy was clutching his left, swollen arm against his chest. It was throbbing and was warm to the touch. The bruising was a nasty color, “Come on, boy.” It hurt to sit up, but Billy did it anyway. He couldn’t hold his arm out in the way Neil wanted. It hurt to move, and Billy was afraid if he did move it, he’d cry. 

“Doesn’t look that bad,” Billy bit back a cry, he could feel his eyes watering as Neil gripped his wrist. Pain licked inside of his chest as Neil turned his wrist in a way it shouldn’t, “Why are you bitching about it like a little pussy?” Shame and anger brewed in Billy’s chest, and he wondered why his dad even came in here in the first place if he didn’t care. 

“I can’t move it,” Billy hissed when Neil pulled at his arm again. His whole arm was tingling in pain. It had been for the past four days. He had been forced to wear his jackets to school even though it was unbearably hot outside. Neil didn’t like his teacher this year. She was observant, constantly questioning his bruises and asking him to repeat the stories of how he got them over and over again, “Stop!” He yanked away, feeling the tears beginning to spill from his eyes. He scooted himself back to the corner of his bed, clutching his injured arm against his chest. 

“Boy,” Neil glared at him, looking over at him furiously, “Don’t be crying. You’re fine. I don’t know why that teacher of yours worries so much.” Billy whimpered, nodding his head pathetically as his arm throbbed and the pain raced through the left side of his body. 

“Sorry.” Billy breathed out softly, his heart hammering in his chest as he looked up at his father’s matching blue eyes. Neil stared at him for a moment before he leaned closer, making Billy flinch closer into the corner of his bed.

“Let’s go get it checked out,” Neil’s voice was surprisingly calm, and it left Billy’s body tensing in fear. This felt like a trap. Billy wasn’t ever supposed to go to the hospital for his injuries, “Come on, boy.” Billy wiggled slowly from his bed, every movement causing him pain as he slowly stood from his bed. 

Billy was on edge the whole ride there. Neil was being nicer than usual, and it was filling Billy with dread. He was mad, his teacher shouldn’t have said anything. He was fine. He was sure that his arm was just sore and that it would heal in a few days. 

“My son,” Neil was smiling, flashing his smile at the nurse, “He loves sports. He said he got tackled during football at school today and hasn’t been able to move his arm since.” The nurse looked up at Billy with a kind smile. He grew sad suddenly, thinking that she looked a lot like his mom.

“Oh my,” She smiled so nicely that it made Billy’s heart hurt even worse. He hadn’t had anyone look at him like that in a long time, “Tough guy, aren’t you? Do you feel okay to walk? We just have to get a few X-Rays.” Billy looked behind her at Neil, who nodded his head in agreement.

“Sure,” She held out her hand, but Billy ignored it as he hopped up from his seat. He followed her down the long hallways, his blue eyes searching against the white walls. She led him into a darker, cool room, “Sit up there on the table, okay? Who tackled a strong boy like you?” Billy sat on the other table, having to hop a bit for how high up it was. She reminded him of his teacher, always treating him like he was younger than what he was. 

“Someone else.” He said simply. She brought over something that looked like a black cushion as she sat down in front of him. She was all smiles, her face gentle as she listened to him.

“You know, I’m here to help you. Sometimes it’s easier to help if I know the full story.” Her voice was smooth, and kind and Billy searched for anything that might be hidden beneath her features. He lingered, thinking of what it would be like to not get hit anymore or to face his dad’s anger. He hesitated.

“That is the story.” He said finally, feeling his hope crumble inside of him. The nurse's smile never faltered as she watched him, nodding kindly.

“If you remember anything else, let me know.” Billy wished he was strong enough to tell her the truth, but he was afraid. If they took him away from his dad, where would he go? Who would take care of him and control his anger? 

For the first time, in a long time, Billy broke down into tears for no reason. HIs little shoulders shook, and his body heaved as he sobbed in front of this complete stranger. His arm was hurting so bad but what really hurt was his heart. He felt like he was dying, like he'd never feel something so painful again. The nurse leaned forward slowly, wrapping her warm arms around Billy. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been hugged as he curled his little body up into her arms. She engulfed him, wrapping him up like she was a warm blanket as he sobbed into her arms. He cried out of anger, out of sadness, and because of his pain. Most of all, he cried because he couldn’t understand why his mom would leave him alone with a monster. 

“Are you okay?” She finally asked, swaying him gently against her when his tears wouldn’t come forward anymore. He was hiccupping, trying to regain his breathing as he nodded stiffly. She pushed his blonde curls from his face and wiped his tears away like his mother used to do. He nodded his head stiffly, thinking of all the words his father would call him if he knew what he had just done. 

“I’m fine,” He mumbled, glancing away from her glossy eyes. He kicked his feet out a bit, swaying them in the air, “My arm hurts.” He mumbled, wanting to draw attention from what he might have been crying about. She nodded softly, wiping a finger across her cheek.

“Let’s get this finished and I’ll get you something for the pain, alright?” Billy nodded his head, listening to the different positions she wanted his arm laid in. He was growing nervous, worried that his dad would somehow know that he would be crying. It was like she knew after she was finished, she cupped his round cheeks softly and smiled at him, “Put on your brave face, alright?” Billy wasn’t sure how to tell her that he had been doing that from the moment he could walk. 

Neil had watched him closely once they returned, but Billy’s story never faltered. He was sure that there was worse than his father and he didn’t want to risk finding out. What he really longed for was his mom. 

“Well son, this looks like a pretty severe break for a fall. You need to be more careful,” The doctor spoke clearly before he glanced at Neil, “We can do surgery to fix it or do a cast.” Neil glanced at Billy, watching him closely for a moment before he answered. He didn't look as mean. 

“A cast should be fine.” Neil smiled towards his young son. Billy stared back, noticing how his smile didn’t reach his eyes. Billy didn’t care what happened as long as his arm stopped hurting so bad. He was still fighting the urge to break down into tears. 

Neil sat with him after Billy got his hand casted. They had let him pick a color and he had decided on blue. It made him think of his mother’s eyes. Billy was proud, he hadn’t cried. Not once.

“You did good today,” Neil’s hand brushed against Billy’s shoulder softly, squeezing. Billy tried not to wince, but it hurt. His dad didn’t know how to do things softly, “I love you.” 

1979

“Don’t worry Mr. Hargrove, Billy is a doll,” Sally leaned against the door as she spoke, wearing a smile on her face. It was rare that his dad went on dates, but he never trusted Billy on his own. It made Billy mad. He thought that he was more than capable of taking care of himself. He’d only be playing on his Atari anyway, “Have a good night!” She shouted after him, waving her hand widely.

Billy thought that Sally was pretty, really pretty. He had a hard time looking at her without feeling his cheeks redden. It was a dumb crush. She had already finished high school and he hadn’t even started yet. She lived a few houses down and had two cats. She had driven him home from school a few times when Neil had to work late. 

“You’ve gotten pretty good at this,” She told him, sitting close to him on the couch. She had dark black hair and long bangs that rested over her eyes, “Next year you’ll be thirteen, that’s a pretty big deal.” Billy had to stop his game, feeling nervous at the unknown feeling that was rushing in him as she moved herself closer to him. Her bare skin was touching his legs. He could feel his eyes widening as he looked at her, uncertain of what she was talking about.

“Why?” Usually, this tone got him backhanded from Neil, but Sally’s glossed lips just turned into a bright smile. Her fingers rested against his shoulder, tracing his tanned skin. He felt like time was slowing down as he watched her, unable to process what she was doing.

“You’re going to be thirteen, that’s exciting. Have you kissed a girl before?” He stared at her, feeling his eyebrows furrowing together as he began to feel defensive. His mom used to peck him on the lips before she tucked him into bed. Surely, that counted. He didn't want to look like he hadn't ever experienced that before. Not in front of her. 

“Yes.” He answered quickly, not sparing another thought behind it. He hid the feeling of his heart racing. He wasn’t going to let himself be nervous, he wasn’t weak. He wasn’t what his dad called him. She grinned.

“You know, you look really mature for your age,” Her breath was thick like honey, it almost smelt similar as her face loomed over his, “Have you ever seen a woman naked before?” He didn’t understand the implications as he shook his head no. He felt like all of his muscles had suddenly run off when she laid him back onto the couch gently. He had no fight in his system as his body froze, his eyes widening as he watched her.

“I just want to teach you a few things,” She whispered seductively, grabbing a hold of the hem of his shorts, “Just relax and follow my lead.”

/////////////////

“Happy birthday,” She whispered, kissing the side of his cheek, “I hope you enjoyed it.” Sally had dressed up for him, but he thought she looked a bit silly wearing that when all she did was take him to an arcade. Billy didn’t even enjoy video games that much, not since Neil had smashed his last system in a fit of rage.

“It wasn’t bad,” He paused, wondering if he should’ve phrased it better, “Thank you.” He added after a second, glancing over at her as she drove. Neil had been more than thrilled that Sally had volunteered to watch him for the day. Billy thought of how funny it would be if Neil knew what Sally was really doing. He figured it would somehow be his fault.

“Anything for you,” She smiled, leaning across the dashboard to kiss his lips, “Do you want to try something new?” She questioned him. He looked over at her, feeling suspicious. He wasn’t sure what new things he could possibly learn. 

“Like what?” He spoke gruffly, always sounding like he wasn’t interested. Sally never seemed to mind, she’d always laugh and pinch his cheek if he got too frustrated with things. He never liked that. It made him seem like a kid and he couldn’t be a kid when he was doing so much more than his classmates his age.

She pulled out a cigarette, passing it to him, “Try it.” She held him place it between his lips, watching with a certain hunger before she lit it. He breathed it in slowly, pretending like his lungs weren’t on fire as he breathed it in. 

“It’s okay,” He sounded just as disinterested as before, but her smile let him know that she knew otherwise. He was sure that he should probably treat her better if he wanted her to stay, but he wasn’t sure how to treat women. Neil wasn’t the best at showing him how to do so, “Tastes kinda gross.” He admitted, trying to hand it back to her.

“Trust me,” She stuck her hand up to stop him, “You’ll look pretty badass if you smoke. You keep it.” She handed him the carton and lighter, smiling proudly like she had just given him the best present he’d ever got. He stared at it, figuring it was better than the smack on the back of the head Neil had given him. 

1980

She was leaving. Sally was going away for college in another state and once again, Billy felt like his little heart was being crushed and crumbled in his chest. His feelings were confusing, mixed and muddled and he didn’t know how to make sense of them. This would be the last time she’d watch him. 

“You can call,” Billy felt almost desperate as he told her. He was still smaller than her as he looked up. He had waited several summers now to finally hit his growth spurt. Although he wasn’t the tallest, he was still able to punch guys that were twice his age and leave them bruised for weeks. He was strong, there was no denying that, “My dad doesn’t have to know.” He had spent the last year wrapped up in her bubble, doing whatever she said. She had treated him like her own little puppet, commanding him to do whatever she wanted without much of a peep from him. 

She had cut her hair short and looked at him as if he was silly. He felt defensive again, thinking about how she always called him mature, “I’m going to find someone my age in college. Someone to marry and have kids with. I can’t call you.” He felt sick as a lump formed in the back of his chest. He hadn’t cried in years, and he wasn’t going to break down in front of her, to prove to her that he really was just some silly little kid.

She was leaving him just like his mom.

“What about me?” He asked, meaning his words as she leaned forward. He didn't want to be alone with Neil again. If he was with her, he had somewhere to be. If she left, he'd be stuck alone again. She squeezed his arms softly, looking at her through dark green eyes. He bit back any tears that had been forming. He wouldn’t cry over her, not over someone who was throwing him away so easily. It was like she knew as her voice became softer as she spoke. 

“Maybe in another life, we could have been together. I love you.” She squeezed his hands softly in hers, looking happy. Look as if she was waiting for him to repeat the words back to her. He almost laughed, feeling the anger forming in the base of his chest as he pulled his hands away from her. She looked as if she was about to start explaining everything to him again, but he didn’t give her the chance. He felt the words forming on his tongue, making sure they were sharp enough to kill. 

“If you think you’re the best thing that’s happened to me you’re wrong. You’re a pathetic little bitch who couldn’t get dick from anyone her own age, so you went to me. I’ll find better,” He snarled at her, teeth showing, “But I will be the best thing that happened to you.” 

/////////////

Neil had found himself a girlfriend, someone who actually didn’t seem to care that she was treated like absolute shit. She made Billy uncomfortable; she was constantly touching him. He’d try and politely brush her away, only in return to get smacked by Neil. He was beginning to believe that she liked seeing him in pain. It was the only way to explain why she continued to do it. He did his best to avoid her, but she somehow always found a way to pry herself into his personal space. He hated it. 

Things did become a bit better around the house. Neil was happier that there was a female in the kitchen. Billy had to listen as Neil ranted and raved about how it was woman’s work. Billy didn’t care. He missed the way he and his mom would make different shaped pancakes in the early mornings. He found himself wondering where she was, what she was doing and if she missed him just as badly. He had spent countless hours flipping through different phone books in the hopes that one day he would find her name. It was getting harder. He could no longer remember her last name. He knew it started with a P and that there was an A and an R in there somewhere. He couldn't remember anything else. Still, he would look over the names intensely. He knew that if he stumbled across her name, he would know it. 

Stacy was nice enough, despite the constant need to touch him. She was making sure that Neil actually went to his games and that he put in effort to do things together. Billy didn’t really like hanging out with his dad. It was like the only thing Neil could talk about was how terrible Billy’s mother was and how Billy was going to end up just like her. Billy was confused, he thought that his mom had been everything. He couldn’t imagine that it would be bad to be like her. 

She had startled him, burst into his room without a warning. He sat up on his bed, looking towards the floor awkwardly. She was wearing an outfit that was similar to the things Stacy would wear for him. It was too revealing, and it made him feel uncomfortable. His whole body felt warm from the embarrassment that was tickling up his spine. He wasn't sure why she would stumble in here dressed like that. 

“Where’s dad at?” He asked finally, breaking the awkward silence that filled the room. She was still lingering in his doorway, smiling at him. He had spent a lot of time in his room after Sally. He didn’t love her, but he didn’t necessarily understand his feelings either. She had left him in some kind of conflicting haze. He didn't know how to make sense of it.

“He had to run into town for a while,” She walked further into his room, lingering at the edge of his bed. He kept his eyes down on his lap, ignoring the way she bent down over the bed, “Hey, don’t be shy.” He almost scoffed at the idea. He was anything but shy, he just wanted nothing to do with her. It didn't matter who his dad brought into their lives, no one would ever replace the hole in his heart that his mother had left. 

“I’m not shy,” He looked up at her in defense, hating anything that made him seem weak. She curled her lips into a bright smile, her eyes tracing over him, “What do you want?” He snapped in irritation as he began to sit up on his bed. He wished that she would go away, leave him alone like everyone else. She pounced on him, straddling his lap before he was fully able to comprehend what was happening. All of the breath left his body, and he suddenly didn't have the energy to move his hands.

"Then why are you being so quiet?" She questioned as she drew her finger down the front of his chest slowly. All he could do was stare. His body felt numb suddenly, in a similar way to when Sally had first taken his virginity. It was like he suddenly didn't know what to do.

"You're with my dad," He urged his hands to move but they wouldn't. It was like there was something pinning them to his sides. He exhaled slowly, trying to will her to get off of him. If his dad came home and seen him like this, with her on top of him, he'd be dead. Billy didn't know how he'd do it, but he knew it wouldn't be pretty. She was still all smiles as she watched him, "Get the fuck off of me." He said rougher, still finding the sharpness in his voice. She laughed.

"Or what?" She was toying with him. Her grin was wide as she observed him, waiting for him to say something. His mind was racing. Didn't she know what would happen? He felt a spike of fear race up his back because he really didn't want this. He didn't want her. 

“I’ll hit you.” He rushed out quickly, not fully thinking of his words as she moved her head near his head and trapped him. Her hair draped over him, tickling against his nose. He suddenly felt sick from the overwhelming amount of perfume she had on. His arms felt weak, and he knew he wouldn’t actually be able to do it. He wouldn’t do the same thing to her that his dad did to his mom. He just hoped his threat worked.

“Oh, Billy,” She smiled slyly down at him, dragging a manicured nail down his chest. His breath hitched and for the first time he hoped that his father would be home soon, “What would Neil do? He’d be so upset with you.” He stared up at her, frozen as he took in her truth. Billy would be in a lot of trouble if that happened.

“I’ll tell him,” He said instead, his palms growing clammy as she reached the button of his pants, “If you stop now, I won’t say anything. I promise.” He felt a lump growing in the back of his chest that was getting harder and harder to swallow. 

“Oh, you’re going to tell your dad?” She grinned from ear to ear, “Who do you think he’ll believe? The son he hates? Or the woman he loves.” Billy felt something sinking inside of his chest as he laid there, unsure of what his option was. Either way, if Neil did find out, Billy would be the one to be blamed. She wouldn’t be touched; it would be Billy.

“Fuck you.” He did his best to snarl at her, but it didn’t sound that way. He sounded sad and he could feel the bitter resentment growing in his chest for himself. He didn’t understand how he could be so pathetic. He wasn’t going to cry. He wouldn’t give her that satisfaction. 

“You’ll enjoy it, just pretend it’s someone you love.” Billy couldn’t. He didn’t love anyone. There was no one out there for him. 

////////////

Billy had a hard time controlling his anger. It had grown so badly that he was sure that he had nothing left inside of him. Only hot, bitter, fiery angry that always seemed to be there, sitting right on top of his chest. Between his dad and Stacy, he hated being at home. He'd rather be anywhere else. 

Summers were beginning to become his least favorite season. School was out and the only thing he really had to look forward to was baseball. He had stopped hoping that Neil would come to any of his games a long time ago. Not that he really cared anymore. Sometimes, he'd wish that his dad would, only so that he'd somehow manage to hit the ball right towards his dumb face. Billy knew he couldn't take his anger out on his dad, so he took it out on everyone else that would cross him. Sometimes they didn't even have to do anything. They'd be walking down the street and Billy would suddenly find his rage unbearable until he was punching them so hard that his knuckles would crack and bleed. 

Neil never asked, never cared enough to check on him unless he got in trouble for it. Billy's teacher had hated him that year and insisted on tattling to Neil over every small instance that happened. Billy spent more time locked in his room, licking his wounds than he ever had. His teacher never seemed to notice when he would come in with a fresh black eye. Or perhaps his teacher did but thought that he deserved it. 

Billy was too young to really work, but Mr. Teller had taken pity on him. He owned one of the local grocery stores and Billy had come along begging to do anything. He could only work two hours a week and was strictly only able to bag the items and push carts. Still, he got a name badge like everyone else, and it made him happy. He was too young to make any friends, but the older women that worked there doted on him. At times he could feel himself stiffening, wondering if they were really being nice or if they just wanted something else like Stacy. He felt the familiar rage forming when he thought of her. She had come into his room last night and smacked him when he tried to tell her off again. Afterwords, he had just laid there, wandering if life was worth living if he'd had to deal with this forever. 

"Honey, where's your parents?" Billy suddenly looked up, too withdrawn in his own thoughts to notice that a girl his age had stepped up to the counter. She was slightly taller than him, her red hair was pulled up into a tight ponytail. Her face turned scarlet as she glanced towards the people waiting behind her in line. 

"Waiting in the car," She bounced her foot as she waited, looking like she expected the cashier to just start scanning away. Billy knew better. Most of the women that worked here were constantly looking for something wrong to happen, "I can go somewhere else." She started to hesitate, looking like she was seconds away from crawling onto the floor and hiding. Billy rolled his eyes as he played with the paper bag resting in front of him.

"You're sure?" Paula watched her closely, her large, rimmed glasses were beginning to slide down her nose. The younger girl nodded, looking over her shoulder again as she cracked her knuckles. Billy felt his nose wrinkling up at the sound, "Alright." There weren't that many items, but Billy noticed the similar great value brands. Neil never bought anything expensive either, he said that it all tasted the same anyways. Billy, of course, had never argued about that. He feared that if he did, Neil may cut his tongue off and make him eat that instead. 

"Can I have my change?" Billy had the two bags packed up. He looked at how the younger girls hand shook as she held one hand out, the other one was already clutching her receipt. Her cheeks were round and rosy, but her eyes were what drew him in. They were hazel, pretty, but she looked like she was sad. He wondered what she had to be sad about. 

"It's just a few pennies," Paula laughed. Still, the younger girl kept her hand out. Billy recognized the same look of fear that crossed his face. Neil wouldn't let him get away with keeping any of his money either. Paula looked disgruntled as she tossed the coins towards the younger girl. He lifted up a penny, handing it to her. He felt bad as he looked at the defeated look on her face as she picked each one up, "Billy, why don't you help her load the bags into her parent's car." Paula sent him a look and he knew that she would want every detail about the car make and model when he returned. 

"Thanks," She mumbled under her breathe as they stepped out into the warm air. The breeze from the ocean was slightly breezy, causing Billy to get goosebumps along his skin, "You didn't have to do it." He shrugged his shoulders, carrying both of the bags. It was probably best he stepped out. He didn't like Paula had treated her, as if she was doing something bad. She hesitated for a moment, glancing back towards the store. 

"Where's your car?' She pointed towards a bike. Billy stared at it, it had a rusted color towards it, and it looked like the wheels were about to pop off. He turned back towards her, "That's a bike." He told her seriously. She shrugged this time, tucking her hair behind her ears as she took the bags from him.

"Thanks again." She spoke quickly, moving fast across the parking lot. He watched for a moment, watching as she squeezed the bags into the basket before she took off. He paused for a moment, feeling as if he recognized her. She must go to his school, he realized, before he walked back inside. He said nothing to Paula, not wanting the young girl to somehow get into trouble for something. 

1982

Billy had tried to grow his hair out. Just barely, just enough so that he could slick it back. Neil had roughly dragged him to the bathroom by his long strands and shoved him into the bathroom before he shaved it all off. There was barely anything left on the top of his head, he couldn’t even see the blonde unless he got close to the mirror. Neil had smacked him afterwards, telling him that only queers cared about their appearance. 

Neil liked to call him a lot of things, but as Billy grew older that seemed to be his favorite slur to swing at Billy. He brought around plenty of girls, always making sure that his dad was around to see them. It never mattered. It made Billy furious. He wasn’t like that, he liked girls. He was sure of it. Yet, he spent many sleepless nights pondering many different what ifs. Nothing made him more furious than being unable to sort out his feelings. It was the one thing that should be his own, yet Neil still somehow had control over that. 

Billy didn’t really have any true friends. Most of them couldn’t handle his spews of anger or the way he acted when he was in a drunken haze. He was too wild for anyone to stay around him for too long, but that didn’t matter. He was popular, people flocked to his side for the thrill of it and he didn’t have to worry about taking anyone down with him. 

Adrian Romano had clung against Billy’s side since ninth grade, apparently the only one that didn’t seem disturbed by Billy’s rash behaviors. In fact, he mirrored Billy in a lot of different ways. He was tall, lanky with jet black hair, hazel eyes and he had two dimples poke out from his cheeks when he would smile. Billy had an easy time talking to him and found himself constantly fighting the urge to get closer to him. It was weird, it made him frustrated. He wished he knew why his heart would race when Adrian would drift near him. 

Billy knew he was fucked the first time Adrian took his shirt off in front of him. He had stared, stared in the same way he stared at a girl that undressed in front of him. When he finally was able to tear his eyes away, his cheeks burned in humiliation. He had panicked, nearly broke down on the ground when he realized his father might be right about him after all. It made him sick, thinking about how wrong everything was.

“You good?” Adrian had asked casually, glancing his hazel eyes towards him, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” He was teasing, his familiar smile turning into a lopsided smirk. Billy felt a rush traveling up his spine.

“Fine,” He snapped out of the haze he felt like he was in. He wasn’t supposed to be feeling these familiar feelings towards a boy. Billy was always quick to change or shower in the locker room. Neil left him with too many bruises. As he grew older, people didn’t question as much but he could still see the curiosity in their eyes, “I’m just fine.” Billy wasn’t. He didn’t understand the feelings that were racing through his body. He could hear Neil’s voice in the back of his head, calling him different names.

Billy fumbled in his locker, pulling out a cigarette quickly. He had gotten in trouble last week for smoking in the locker room, but he really needed something to take the jittery feeling away from him at the moment. He lit it up, exhaling deeply to stop his hand from shaking. Adrian stepped closer to him, apparently not knowing the meaning of personal space as his arm brushed against Billy’s.

“Need a light,” He didn’t offer Billy a chance to pull out his lighter before Adrian was leaning forward, pressing the cigarette that was in between his lips against Billy’s lit one. Adrian’s hand just barely brushed against the back of Billy’s neck to keep them steady. Billy felt a spark form inside of him that he hadn’t felt in a long time. The other boy was so close to Billy that he could make out the stubble that was growing around his cheeks, “Thanks.” Adrian smiled, blowing out a puff of smoke towards him. Billy’s lips twitched and he nodded, looking away from his hazel eyes. Something stirred inside of Billy, something that he had only felt when he looked at girls. 

“Okay,” He breathed out slowly, unable to move his feet. Adrian grinned at him, his lips curling up nicely, “Whatever.” He pulled away finally, taking another drag of his cigarette. He could feel Adrian watching him, but he ignored it. He didn’t owe him any explanation for how he was acting. 

Billy found out quick enough that kissing a boy felt the same way as kissing a girl. He wasn’t sure what he thought the difference would be at first. He had hoped there would be some feeling, something that let him know it was wrong. He didn’t. HIs lips moved against Adrian’s in the same urgency he had kissed girls. Their lips melted against each other, soft and slow and almost experimental. Like he hadn’t ever kissed anyone before. 

He hadn’t meant for it to happen. Adrian had cornered him in the bathroom of the party they were currently at. He had demanded Billy tell him why he had been ignoring him. Billy had tried to brush it off, had tried to lie his way out of the situation like he always did. Adrian saw right through him.

“It’s okay to be different.” Adrian had told him, his hazel eyes softening as he looked at Billy’s pitiful form. Billy paused, desperately wanting to believe him but not being able to. He knew what Neil would say, what he would do. Still, Billy didn’t push the other boy away when he kissed him. He melted against his touch, blaming his drunk mind even though he felt fairly sober at the moment. 

“I’m not different,” Billy finally came to his senses as he pushed the boy away from him. He stared at Adrian’s swollen, plump lips. Billy’s heart raced in a way it shouldn’t. He knew this was wrong, but it felt right. He was conflicted, not knowing how to battle the different emotions that were fighting inside of him, “That never happened.” He told him quickly. He did his best to warn him, to sound as threatening as possible. 

“It’s okay,” Adrian’s chest was still rising sharply as he tried to catch his breath,” It never happened.” He promised and Billy ignored the dejected look on his face as he stormed past him. 

It was risky, sneaking around with Adrian. Billy knew what the consequences would be if his father found out. He’d be dead, they’d both be dead. Billy already knew he was damned, he decided that it was fine to risk it. He always went back and forth. One second, he would be fine, the next he would be hating himself. He had never heard of anyone who liked boys and girls. He didn’t understand his feelings, why he was the way he was. He blamed Neil. His dad had beaten him so hard that Billy was sure that he was broken. 

“What if we brought a girl into this?” Adrian had asked one day, mindlessly picking at his food at the lunch table as the world rushed on without them. Billy hesitated, not liking talking about their private life in public.

“What do you mean?” Billy scoffed. He had been with plenty of girls, he wasn’t sure why Adrian thought he knew anyone better. Adrian sent him a lopsided grin.

“Maybe we’d be more comfortable if a girl was involved,” Adrian suggested, twisting his fork into his food, “There’s this really cute girl in my math class. She’s kind of quiet, but I think she’s a freak deep down. I think it would be fun.” He shrugged his shoulders, waiting for Billy’s reaction.

“Is she ugly?” Billy asked him seriously. That was the most important part to him. He didn’t want some ugly girl involved and he had noticed that Adrian didn’t always have the best taste in girls. Adrian shook his head, quickly. 

“She’s cute,” He looked over tables, like he was searching through the crowds of people for her. Adrian stopped for a moment, “There.” He pointed towards the door. Billy looked over, missing her face completely. Instead, he found long legs and red hair. He paused for a moment, still staring even as the door slammed shut behind her.

“She’s a redhead?” Billy looked back towards him, looking at the mischievous look Adrian had in his eyes. He felt himself growing a bit intrigued. He was sure that she was just like any other girl, but he had never been with a ginger before. He was interested. 

“Sure,” Billy shrugged, figuring Adrian wasn’t trying to lie to him, “Ask her.” Billy turned away, feeling an odd sensation traveling up his back. He found himself glancing back over his shoulder, even though she was long gone.

They had waited around for hours on Friday night, Billy sprawled onto Adrian’s couch while the other boy was resting on the bed. She was supposed to be here at eight, but she had never arrived. Billy turned towards him, feeling as bored as he had the moment he stepped into his room. 

“Did you really ask her?” Adrian shot him a glare and turned away to shake his head. Billy’s foot was beginning to tap against the floor obnoxiously. It was getting late. He knew Neil would be pissed if he didn’t return soon. 

“I did,” Adrian snapped back at him quickly enough, “She said she’d do her best to make it, but if she didn’t it was because she had to watch her little sister.” Billy exhaled, thinking about how dumb it must be to have siblings that you had to watch yourself because your parents were too lazy to do so.

//////////

“Who was the girl you were with?” Billy was sprawled out across Adrian’s bed, flicking through a car magazine. He looked up at him curiously, not understanding the point of his question.

“What?” Billy almost laughed, feeling his lips curl up into a smile. Adrian looked anything but amused. Billy had been spending a lot of time here and he still couldn’t wrap his mind around it. They never did much. Usually they’d make out, occasionally they’d jerk each other off. It was never anything more than that. Billy wouldn’t allow it, everything would become too real then. 

“The girl you were kissing this morning. Who was she?” Adrian looked angry, taking Billy by surprise. He was usually the calm one. 

“I don’t know, some chick,” Billy shrugged, thinking her name had been Carly or Clara. She was a twin, he knew that much, “What the fuck is your problem?” He watched the way Adrian cursed under his breath and looked at him irritated. 

“Why are you kissing other people if we’re together?” The question floored Billy and he could feel the laugh forming on his chest as he sat on the edge of his bed. 

“I’m not with you,” Billy told him quickly. He didn’t like Adrian like that, he was sure of it. They were just messing around, that was it, “I don’t like you like that.” He said seriously, not liking the hurt look that Adrian was giving him. He was trying to force himself to stop feeling bad. If he liked Adrian, he was just as bad as what his father had always made him out to be. He couldn't live with himself if he was that way.

“You kiss me.” Adrian said simply, looking like he was trying to reason with himself. Billy took in a deep breath, feeling the conflicting emotions battling inside of his chest. He stared at the other boy, not sure where this was coming from all of a sudden. He thought that they had an understanding. 

“That’s different. I don’t care about you in that way. I’m not a queer. I like girls.” Billy told him slowly, almost sounding like he was trying to convince himself. He meant it though; he didn’t care for Adrian in that way. Billy was straight. He wasn’t what Neil liked to call him. 

“I never said you couldn’t like girls,” Adrian looked at him as if he had grown another head, “But if we’re with each other you shouldn’t be kissing other people.” Billy did laugh this time. He was sure Adrian had lost his mind. He was acting as bad as the girls who expected more of a relationship from him. He didn’t have that to give away. 

“Who said we were anything serious? You’re acting as whiny as the bitches who complain about not getting a second date.” Billy snapped back, feeling himself rise from the edge of the bed. Billy was angry, angry that Adrian was making a big deal out of nothing.

“You’re being a dick,” Adrian began to rise as well, barely towering over Billy, “Seriously, you know this is okay, right?” He looked worried, as if he realized Billy didn’t understand. Billy was almost offended that Adrian was coddling him. 

“This isn’t okay, nothing about this is okay,” He told him seriously, hearing his father’s words echo through his mind, “You’re not my girlfriend. Fuck off.” He told Adrian seriously, not wanting to hear about this anymore. Billy made his way towards the window, knowing he wasn’t going to come over anymore. He couldn’t handle this. 

“Billy, why are you treating me like this? It’s okay, I love you. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Billy gazed up into his green, reassuring eyes for a moment. His thoughts trinkled into a bunch of what ifs and he knew that there was everything to be ashamed of. Neil would never let him live if he knew the truth, if he let this happen. He didn’t believe in love; he was still sure of that. This wasn’t love.

"Just leave me alone," Billy tried to push away from him, unable to bear another second here before he did something dumb. Adrian was built similar to him, but he was taller. Adrian shoved him back harshly, causing him to trip on his feet and land on the floor with a loud thud. His head throbbed from the impact, and he found himself trying to blink the injury away. His hand went to the back of his head and when he pulled it away his palm was covered in blood. He looked up at Adrian as he groaned, an odd pang traveling through his heart, "What the fuck?" He questioned him, feeling the hurt radiating through his body. 

"Billy," Adrian hesitated for a moment, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean-" Billy swatted his head again. Feeling a fresh surge of anger filling inside of him. He rose on his own, struggling for a moment. He as fighting the urge to beat Adrian senseless. He didn't like that Adrian had laid his hands on him, that he had hurt him. He wondered if it would always be like this. If he'd ever really be happy with anyone. 

"Stay away from me." Billy ignored the throbbing in the back of his head as he pushed past Adrian and made his way back out the window. He didn't speak to him again. He ignored him at school, completely cutting him out of his life. He didn't need Adrian smacking him around on top of Neil. Sometimes he could still feel Adrian's eyes watching him, but he no longer cared about him. Those conflicting feelings were gone. He was happy with that. However, the loneliness sank back in. 

Two weeks later, after the start of the new year, Neil had told Billy he’d met someone new. Someone who was going to change his life. Billy was sure his dad had no idea just how true that was. 

1984

“What are you doing?” He looked at the redhead sprawled across the couch, watching how she shoved ice cream into her mouth. He winced, regretting the question as he noticed her tear-stained cheeks and runny makeup.

“The guy I like took someone else to homecoming, if you must know,” She sniffed, taking another large bite to match her dramatics, “I don’t know why no one likes me here. I’m a loser.” She cried out, somehow even more dramatic than the last time. Billy winced, feeling like he had started something that he wasn’t sure how to explain. He rubbed the back of his neck, remembering how he had pushed Andy, a Junior on his basketball team, against the lockers once he had overheard him talking about Kim. He had shoved him so harshly that the lockers had bent under Andy’s weight. Billy suddenly felt bad again.

“It’s just homecoming,” He started, “It’ll be lame. It’s not even prom.” He tried to reason as he leaned his palms against the couch. She turned to him, sadness pooling in those hazel eyes. He stared as she looked away, wondering if she was ever really happy or was just good at hiding it. 

“Like I’ll be asked to prom,” She mumbled under her breath, apparently full of self-pity tonight, “Max even got a date for her junior dance.” Billy felt his face scowling into anger, still feeling the burning from his bruises from Neil’s beating. Things were still sour between him and Max from the Byer’s house. He still had to drop her off, like nothing had happened. He was sure he hated her. 

“Someone will ask you to prom,” He hesitated before he awkwardly tapped the top of her head, not sure how he was supposed to comfort someone, “You’re just being dramatic.” She shot her eyes up towards him.

“I’m not dramatic,” She exhaled deeply, “I’m sad. There’s a difference.” He felt a grin cracking on his lips as he watched her, too enthused with her actions.

“Do you want some weed?” He walked around the couch, sitting down on the opposite side and spreading his legs across the couch the same way she was. He took up most of the room as her tiny body curled into a small ball. He watched her hazel eyes widen, “It’ll relax you.” He teased her, unsure of why he was sticking around to talk to her. 

“No,” She squeaked out, “I’m too afraid.” She played with her hands, staring down at her lap like she didn’t know what to do. He smirked, pressing his leg closer against her and watching as she squirmed closer to the couch. It was like she didn’t know why he was bothering her either. 

“It’s not scary,” He told her seriously, watching the way her hazel eyes turned curious. He liked looking at her, he realized that he had for a long time. She was like an open book, full of information that he could easily read with one glance. He could tell her emotions easily and found himself searching deeper to try and feel what she was thinking, “I promise.” She almost looked like she was considering it. 

“That’s okay,” She said softly, looking like she felt guilty for telling him no. He had a sudden urge to grab her knees and pull her closer to him, but resisted the urge to do so, “I’m sorry. You’re right I’m dramatic. I don’t even know how to dance.” She brushed him off completely. For some reason, he found himself thinking that her reaction was cute. He paused, thinking that he found her cute most of the time. 

“You can’t dance?” He felt himself smiling, intrigued how she so easily opened up to him. He didn’t even have to pry, “Why not?” He thought it was typical that she would be so upset about not being asked to go to a dance when she couldn’t even dance.

“I never learned,” She rested her cheek against the couch, squishing up against it. She exhaled deeply and Billy drank in every movement, “I’m too embarrassed to try now.” 

“I can teach you.” He nearly kicked himself as he spoke, unsure of why he would say that. Her eyes widened in surprise, and she sat up from the couch, looking towards him in excitement.

“You know how to dance?” She leaned forward, her fingers brushing against his knees. He stiffened, feeling warmth spread through his body. He craved more of his touches, wanting to feel her hands everywhere.

“Yeah,” He exhaled softly, partially hoping that she would forget what he had said. She grinned, stepping over him and rushing to her room. He looked at her curiously, only to be answered when she came out carrying a tape, “Don’t tell me it’s your shitty country music.” He teased her, liking the way she got irritated when he did so. 

“No,” She protested, shooting him a look of brief annoyance, “I have good music. This is a good song. It’s by Elvin Bishop.” She reasoned as she turned the music up again. He shook his head, watching the giddy look on her face as she approached him again. He stared ahead at her, slowly reaching out and placing his hand across her waist. He ignored the tingling that traveled up his body. She took a giant step back, suddenly looking awkward as if she just realized he’d be touching her. 

“No, like this,” He wrapped his hand around her waist, ignoring the way her face burned, “And then we hold hands like this.” He showed her, feeling a spark spreading from their fingertips. He ignored it at the same time he was pleading with himself to stop. He was acting crazy. She was his sister; he wasn’t supposed to be this close to her.

“Better?” She asked unsure of herself, as usual, while they swayed back and forth. Her feet kept nudging against his, but he nodded his head.

“You dance fine,” He encouraged her, not quite recognizing himself as he spoke. She was so soft, so comforting in the air around him. All he wanted to do was wrap her up against him, to kiss her pretty plump lips that she kept biting in anticipation, “I don’t know what you were worried about.” He stared at her hazel eyes, thinking that they didn’t look quite so sad.

“I suck,” She told him seriously, and in reality, she did just a little bit, “But thank you.” Her smile lit up the darkness in his chest like she had placed a flashlight inside of him. His heart beat in a way he didn’t understand or know how to deal with. She was beautiful, inside and out. He felt his eyes drifting across her features as she stared down at her feet, eyebrows scrunched tightly together in concentration. He didn’t understand the feeling that arose when he was around her. It was like he forgot how to breathe, and she was the air he so desperately needed.

“My mom taught me,” He blurted out, unsure of why he was even saying anything. He was sure that she didn’t care, “She used to teach me how to dance in the mornings when she’d make breakfast.” He could feel his cheeks warming as he thought of how dumb he sounded at the moment. She raised those big eyes slowly, looking up at him with a giant grin. He momentarily halted his movements, too busy staring at the way her cheeks got rounder and her eyes grew softer.

“Billy, that’s so sweet,” She said softly, sounding as sweet as candy, “She taught you well.” She complimented. He gulped down hard, swallowing all of his emotions as the lyrics from the radio traveled towards him. He felt a weird rush traveling through his chest, as if he somehow could relate to the song that was playing. 

“It’s dorky,” He admitted, raising their hands above her head and spinning her around. She giggled loudly, the sound ringing in his ears like his favorite song. She swayed against him, moving much easier than before. He traced his fingers along her waist, wishing he could pull her closer towards him, “You’ll be a pro in no time.” 

“Only because you taught me,” She smiled bashfully, and Billy resisted the urge to grab her face and kiss her pouty little lips. It hurt him, thinking that one day she’d be kissing someone that wasn’t him. It was wrong to think that way, but he couldn’t help himself, “Thank you.” She mumbled out softly.

He twisted her again, but this time he didn’t fully turn her around to face him again. Her back was flush against the front of his body, and he almost fell to the floor from the sensation that traveled through his body. He looked at her pink face, noticing the shy way she glanced back towards him. He was swaying her softly, letting his hands travel across her hips and midriff. He was fighting the urge to think of what her skin would feel like flush against his. He wondered what she would sound like. She glanced up at him, looking at him with such joy that he swore he could kiss her. Her lips looked so plump, so soft. He was sure that she would taste as sweet as the candy she always ate. 

“No problem,” Billy was afraid to be the first one to pull away. At least now he had an excuse to touch her. He suddenly felt less shitty about himself as he relaxed against her. She was like a bright light in a dark room, something he had spent his whole life searching for, “I have to go.” He said finally, his heart racing too fast in his chest as he dropped their hands. She looked at him confused, still standing too close to him. He exhaled, trying to drop his irritation. He couldn’t believe all of the girls he’d been with before and it was his stepsister who he decided to actually fall for. 

He left as quickly as he had come, leaving her standing there with those big, confused doe eyes. He desperately wished to hold her again, to kiss her. He shook his head, grabbing his keys without another thought and going anywhere. As he drove away, he was wishing for the feelings in his chest to disappear. He needed space, somewhere to get far away from her. 

1985

Billy could still remember how she looked the night of the fourth. The fireworks had danced across her pale skin, the different colors bouncing off of her as if she were the bright lights in the sky. She had shone twice as bright, looked twice as beautiful as anything he had ever seen. He could still feel the way his heart raced for her, yearning for them to be closer than what they were. He was still in denial of his feelings; his feelings had been confusing for so long. 

He remembered the first time he really knew he was in trouble was the night after he took her virginity. She had stayed with him, even slept with him on the floor after she’d cleaned up his injuries. He couldn’t understand why she kept staying, even after he was mean to her. She was always there, waiting as if nothing had happened. He didn’t understand how someone could be so kind and so good. He didn’t deserve her. He was sure he could live a thousand different lifetimes and he would never deserve her. 

She was like a bright light on a dark night. He was drawn to her, even though he knew he would only bring her down with his misery. The past few weeks, he had felt like he was a completely different person when he was around her. It was nice to pretend, but the night before had been a wakeup call. He could see the look swimming in her hazel eyes. He had been dumb, suggesting a trip to get away. He tried to pretend that they were fine, that there was nothing between them. 

He hadn’t meant it when he told her he loved her. That’s what he had been trying to convince himself. He wasn’t sure why he had said it, but when he looked down at her big, shocked eyes he knew that he had made a mistake. He couldn’t be the person she needed for him to be. She deserved someone that could treat her well and that would never be him. 

He had tried before to place a wedge between them but seeing her with Steve’s arm wrapped around her shoulders had left him with a fire he didn’t understand. Billy wasn’t the type to get jealous, but he was sure that’s what was brewing inside of him. She had looked so pretty, all dolled up for him and he somehow had the gall to reject her. He had surprised himself that night, when he told her he wouldn’t see anyone else. He was still fighting his feelings, playing a dangerous game. 

He had been the one to come up with the stupid rules, yet he had been the one struggling with them for so long. He wished he was a different person, that he wasn’t so afraid to let himself be seen by her. He thought he trusted her, but he still couldn’t fully let her in. He’d give her little bits and pieces of himself, but he’d never let her fully in. He didn’t want her to pity him, to judge him. There had been too much that had happened. He wouldn’t be able to explain it to her. 

He wished the hurt in his chest would go away. He wished he could erase the image of her on her knees crying for him. His tongue burned from the harsh words he had spoken to her, but he knew it needed to happen. She wouldn’t ever believe him if he didn’t say tell her off. He took another deep breath, trying to control his breathing. She was right to question him, right to call him out for everything he had said. She knew his feelings better than he knew his own and that infuriated him. He didn’t like feeling like there was something out of his control, like there was something about himself that he didn’t understand. She had been so sure, and it wasn’t her fault, but it made him sick. He wanted to be the one to sort out his feelings first, to feel like he had some kind of control over the situation. In the end, it was his fault. He had treated her differently. He hadn’t ever been with her the way he had been with anyone else. Deep down he thought he knew what the answer was, but he wasn’t sure. He still wanted to believe that he had some choice in the manner. 

“We were supposed to be different!”

She was right. They weren’t supposed to end in some tragic way. That hadn’t been his plan. They were supposed to move on like nothing had happened, like there was nothing between them. There wasn’t supposed to be anything between them. 

He thought of that morning, how he knew deep inside of his chest that it was time to let her go. He hated the thought of it, but she had grown attached. He had to let her go before it hurt too badly. 

“You look like you slept well,” He had teased her when she finally returned to the bed from brushing her teeth. He felt a stroke in his pride, noticing that she had a slight limp in her walk, “Morning.” He told her softly, tucking her hair behind her ear. He noticed she always woke up later than what he did. 

“Morning,” Her cheek was squished against her pillow, her words becoming muffled as she spoke. His chest had been hurting from last night when he realized she had a familiar look in her eyes, “Why are you so far away?” She teased him, brushing her hand across his exposed chest softly. His whole body reacted in flames as he watched her. It was a constant battle as he fought himself from sinking against her. 

“Just tired,” He mumbled, lying to her. He was having a crisis. He feared that this trip had been a mistake and now their cards were on the table. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he couldn’t be there for the way that she would need, “Don��t worry about it.” He winced, knowing his words were a lot harsher than what he meant for them to be. She didn’t seem to react at first. 

“Okay,” She spoke like she was in a dream. He wondered if they both were and they’d awake to something cruel. He memorized the freckles on her face, wondering if he could count all of them that decorated her body, “I feel happier when I’m with you.” She admitted softly, like she was scared to say it. He realized that she should be. He could read into her confession and that only seemed to draw him further away. He didn’t know how to make her happy. 

Billy didn’t know how to love.

His idea of love had been complicated. He used to watch his father kiss his mother gently after leaving her a sobbing, bloody mess on their tiled floors. His mom used to end every phone call by telling him how much she loved him, and she still left him. Neil would still tell him that he loved him after leaving him with swollen eyes and bloody noses. 

She had tried to convince him that everything would be fine, that they could somehow pretend to be happy together. He was fine now, but how long until he spiraled again? He didn’t want to drag her down with him. He didn’t want to cause her pain, but he knew that he would eventually. It wasn’t her fault, none of this was her fault. It was all his. 

He had slid the picture of the two of them from Chicago into his dresser, placing it with the other pictures he had taken of her. It felt odd, looking at it now and not recognizing himself in the frame. He hadn’t ever looked so happy, so carefree. It made him sick. He had ruined it, like he ruined everything else. 

He reached for the little black book in his dresser. It had been discarded for some time. Even if he did get with other women, all he would think about is Kim. She was always there, nestled away in the back of his mind like his favorite memory. He wanted to forget.

He paused for a few minutes before he touched her face in the picture. She looked so happy with her big cheeks and soft dimples. He wished he could kiss her face one last time. She really was a good kisser, and he loved the way she always seemed to melt against him. He hoped that he had memorized the shape of her body, the way her laugh sounded in a crowded room. He stared at her eyes last, feeling a punching feeling travel over his stomach when he realized she didn't look so sad at the moment. She looked so happy. He closed the drawer slowly before he stood and made his way out into the hallway.

He couldn’t help but peek into her room and wasn’t surprised to find that it was empty. He had heard her stomp off and slam Max’s door shut. It had been hours and had since grown dark. He hoped that she was asleep, it would be easier to sneak out without having to see her. Still, he paused in her doorway and looked at her bed. The two stuffed animals he had gifted her still adorned her bed. He exhaled deeply before walking towards the phone.

It rang for some time before the familiar woman’s voice answered, “Hello? Who is this?” Her voice was irritating to him for some reason. He knew why, it wasn’t Kim’s. Still, he ignored the hurt in his chest as he put on his best charm.

“Can you guess who?” He closed his eyes as he flirted, wishing that he hadn’t been so dumb. He wished things hadn’t gotten this bad.

“Billy,” He could hear the smile in her voice, “What are you calling for?” She sounded confused and Billy couldn’t blame her. He had done his best to ignore her and all the other women in his life since Kim stepped forward. He bit his lip.

“I was thinking of you,” He lied easily as he cupped the phone to his face, “How about we meet tonight. The usual spot?” He knew she would agree, he knew that she would be the easiest one to go for. He was right, she agreed easily, and he was hanging up the phone. He stared at the wall for a long time, wondering if his decision was worth it. 

“Where are you going?” He winced, closing his eyes tightly at the sound of her voice. He turned, almost slowly as he looked at her. He felt the wound in his heart opening up at the view of her. She looked fragile as she leaned against Max’s doorway, her hazel eyes wide and red. Her cheeks were tear stained and she looked like she was in disarray. His chest hurt, realizing he had been the one to do that.

“Out.” He spoke simply, trying to keep his voice from shaking. He stepped away from the phone, feeling sick with guilt suddenly. He wondered how much she had heard. Her eyes traced over his features, like she was searching for something hidden behind his words.

“Why don’t you love me?” She said suddenly, breaking the quiet tension between them. He felt a lump forming in the back of his throat. It was almost too much to swallow. She sounded heartbroken, like she’d never be able to get over him. He knew it wasn’t true. He knew she’d find someone better, she just had to realize that.

“Kim,” He wasn’t sure what she wanted him to say, “It’s not that.” He knew if he only told her how wonderful she was, she wouldn’t believe him. She stepped closer, pushing her way down the hallway as she watched him with those eyes that seemed to be even more sad than usual. He looked away, unable to look at them and know that he was the one to cause it. 

“Then what is it?” Her voice wobbled as she spoke. He stared at the ground, listening to the way her soft footsteps approached him. He exhaled deeply, fearing that he might break down in front of him. The truth was that he didn’t know. He didn’t know why he had to ruin the one good thing in his life. There was something about him that didn’t seem to be truly happy unless he knew that he was suffering. There had to be something bad in life happening for him to be content. He didn’t know how to be happy. He couldn’t be the happy person that she wanted him to be.

“We agreed on no feelings.” He defended himself, trying to think of the best way to make her leave him alone. It was too hard, standing in front of her and not being able to hold her. He didn’t like the feeling that his chest seemed to be hurting worse.

“Then why would you tell me you love me? Why would you make me feel like I’m special? I know how I feel, Billy.” She demanded, a soft tear falling down her cheek. He felt his hands moving but he quickly dropped them to his sides, pretending to dig through his pockets instead. 

“It’ll pass,” He reasoned, still neglecting to look at her, “It always passes.” He told her truthfully. No one had stuck around in his life; she wouldn’t be any different. He kept trying to convince himself that this was the easy way to end it. It would be better before either of them got too attached. 

"Do you think I could forget you?" She spoke so softly it took a moment for him to hear. His heart beat roughly against his chest as he stared at her, unsure of what he was supposed to say. He knew that eventually her feelings would change. She would wake up one day and realize how much better he deserved. He couldn't stick around for someone else to leave in his life. Not her. He'd never get over her. 

"Everyone forgets about me." He admitted after a second. The look she gave him nearly brought him to his knees. She looked so broken at the moment and it hurt. It hurt to know that he had been right, that one day he would end up like his dad. He didn't want her to hurt, he wanted to take it all away from her. But this was for the best. 

“Why do you want to torture yourself?” She asked, her voice breaking again, “I know it’s messed up. This whole thing isn’t normal, but it happened. We could be happy. I know we could.” He stared at her, wishing he was strong enough to believe her words. He didn’t know how they could ever be happy. They’d have to go far away from Hawkins and even then, they’d always know the truth. Things could happen and their truth would be revealed. He didn’t care what people thought of him, but he knew she did. She was too sweet, she wanted everyone to like her. He didn’t want her to be an outcast because of him. 

“You don’t know shit about me,” He told her seriously, “Whatever person you have cooked up in your head, isn’t me.” He tried to reason with her, tried to have her make her own sense before it became too much. He didn’t want to hurt her, but she wasn’t backing down. 

“It is you,” She sounded desperate, and he hated it. He hated that he was the one making her feel this way, “You don’t want to accept that you’re a good person. You are.” She reached for him, but he pulled away again. He hated the look that crossed her eyes. Things were tense, quiet as he debated with himself. He had reached his end; he knew things weren’t going to get better from here. He'd lose his temper eventually and it would only make things worse. 

“Is there anything else you need from me, or can I go now?” He finally asked, letting the air leave his chest. She stared at him in disbelief, looking more frustrated than he had ever seen her before. She looked like she was about to argue, but he beat her to the crushing blow, “I have a date.” 

The house turned cold, like he had just burned all of the warmth between them. He clenched his fingers into fists, trying to ignore the hurt that crossed her face. She looked to be in anguish, in more pain than the night she had received the large gash on her hand. Her eyes glazed over again, and he didn’t miss the way her bottom lip wobbled. He felt shame and guilt swimming inside of his stomach, making him feel sick with himself. He was terrible, maybe now she’d finally realize that and stop pretending. He waited for her to say something, but she only stood there. She was watching him like she didn’t recognize the person in front of her. He knew she finally had the truth; this is who he was. There was no point in pretending anymore.

Billy had thought his heart had been gone for so long, he hadn’t believed he still had one until she came into his life. She had sparked something inside of him that he thought was dead. He was sure he had broken hers. He had taken all of her that was good and kind and broke it, shattered it on the floor into a million tiny pieces. She had tried to put on a good front, but he could see right through her. It hurt worse than any of Neil’s punches. He had never felt so shitty before in his life. He hated himself as soon as the words left off of his tongue.

He was unlovable.

“Okay,” She said at last, sounding like she was seconds from breaking down into tears, “Go have fun. Go drink yourself stupid and fuck whoever you want. That’s your right. If you want to ruin this, ruin it. It’s clear I can’t stop you.” He didn’t like the way her words dangled over his head. It almost felt like she was giving him an ultimatum. He stared at her for a long time, watching the way she kept gulping hard to keep herself from bursting into tears. 

He didn’t have a response for her, so he turned on his heel and let the door slam shut behind him. He couldn’t be in that damn house anymore. He couldn’t stay thinking about the feelings and all the different what ifs. He wanted to forget everything that had happened. He wanted to forget that this was all his fault because he was scared. 

It hurt knowing that he couldn’t ever be what she needed. He’d forever regret that. 

////////

Tommy was having a small get together in preparation for another party he was throwing the upcoming weekend. Billy really didn’t care as long as he got drunk. He was nursing a beer, hiding in the corner of the room and doing his best to ignore the sad eyes Tina was sending him. 

“I can’t believe you slept with-“ Billy shot Tommy a warning look as he approached him. Tommy held a hand up innocently, laughing as he did so, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was a sore topic.” Billy glanced over at him.

“It was a mistake,” He breathed out, not drunk enough to ignore the guilt in his stomach. He took another large gulp to drink away the image of Kim’s sad eyes, “It’s not happening again.” He breathed out slowly.

“Did you break it off with the one chick then?” Tommy leaned against the wall, lighting up a cigarette as he spoke. Billy frowned, thinking that Kim deserved better than to be referred to as that chick.

“She told me she loves me.” Billy said finally as he took another drink of his beer. He feared he’d need something stronger to get through this conversation.

“Shit.” Tommy looked at him with wide brown eyes, like he couldn’t believe it himself. Billy exhaled softly, feeling the conversation course through his mind again. He was like he was being tortured. He hadn’t been able to forget her yet, it was driving him insane. 

“Yeah.” Billy said finally, watching the way people were dancing around him. It made him sick again as he thought of her. He wondered if she would’ve liked to join him, or if she would’ve felt like she had to babysit him again. She should’ve left him in a drunken stupor that night, let him wake to his own filth. Instead, she had bathed him. He inhaled deeply, reaching for Tommy’s cigarette as the memory came flooding back. He didn’t deserve that. 

“You didn’t say it back?” Tommy sounded almost surprised. Billy shot him a look, shaking his head in irritation. Tommy knew better than to ask Billy that. It was insane to even think that he’d be able to say it back.

“I don’t love her.” He spoke and felt a numbing feeling settling across his chest. He stared ahead, trying to drown the dumb music that was playing around him. He locked eyes with Tina for a moment but turned away as he thought of Kim again. He wondered what she was doing, if she was still locked up in her room crying. 

“Dude,” Tommy trailed off for a moment, “It’s obvious you do. You’ve been acting differently recently.” Billy rolled his eyes, irritated that Tommy kept bringing that up. He had heard about it all summer and it was starting to get on his nerves.

“You don’t even know me.” Billy told him stubbornly, knowing it was the truth. He may consider Tommy as a friend but that didn’t mean they were close. He kept him at arms distance at all times, just like everyone else.

“I know you do dumb shit when you’re mad,” Tommy laughed as if he was thinking of a different memory. Billy watched him closely, “You’re stubborn as well.” Billy was sure everyone knew that, he wasn’t very impressed with Tommy's knowledge. No one really knew him and that was partially his fault. He didn't need that many people close to him. He was better off alone. 

“I don’t like her like that.” Billy retorted, urging the memory of Kim to die inside of his chest. He wondered if whatever was left of his heart would die too. He leaned back against the wall, trying to think of anything but her. Instead, he kept imagining the cute little dress she would've worn if she had come with him tonight. How she should've been glued to his side. How they would've been a bit too obvious about how they feel. 

“Who's the lucky bitch anyways?” Tommy questioned with a smirk on his face. Billy snarled, feeling angry that he would refer to her in that way. Kim was anything but that. She was kind and gentle. Even with everything that he'd done, he'd never really seen her get that angry with him. She was delicate and he only knew how to break things. 

“Don’t call her that,” He snapped, looking at Tommy in anger, “It doesn’t matter, it’s over.” Tommy was quiet for a moment as they passed his cigarette back and forth. Billy focused on breathing in and out, willing the ache in his chest to disappear. It was like she was right here at this moment. Like a piece of her had broken off and followed him. He couldn't get any peace. 

“You know, I think you should let me have a chance with Kim,” Billy’s head snapped so hard to the right he nearly smacked into the wall. Tommy had a small smile on his face, looking a bit too happy at the thought of Kim, “I know, she’s your sister and whatever that fucking rule is but she’s so sweet.” Billy could feel the anger fueling inside of him. He clenched his fist together and tightened his jaw, fighting the urge to punch him. Tommy was just as bad as leaving girls high and dry. Not to mention, the thought of Kim being with anyone else left him shaking. He still routinely got upset when he would think about Steve's arm wrapped around her shoulder in the movie theater. The way her face had gotten so red. He wanted to be the one that left her flustered, not anyone else.

It was confusing. 

“She’s not my sister.” Billy was more than irritated now. He wasn’t sure why that was the thing he wanted to say, but he did. He had never thought of Kim in that way. He was slowly beginning to accept Max as his dumb little sister. Kim would never be. She was something else, something more to him. He drank again, feeling his can growing emptier. He needed another. 

“Then why do you-,” Tommy paused, stopping himself as he looked at Billy’s irritated form. Billy glanced away from him, not liking the way he was watching him, “Oh shit. Shit, no. Are you serious?” Billy looked at him alarmed and glanced over his shoulder to make sure he wasn’t talking about someone next to them. His heart seemed to skip a beat when he glanced back at Tommy.

“What?” Billy questioned him, not liking the nervous feeling that was settling inside of his stomach. Tommy just stared at him, his freckled cheeks reddening. Billy stared right back, daring him to mention whatever he was thinking. They had been careful. There was no way Tommy of all people could suspect anything. 

“You and Kim?” Tommy finally choked the words out. Billy stared at him hard, feeling himself stiffen against the wall. He paused, realizing that he may have let Tommy get too close to him. His pulse quickened but he kept a calm face as he glanced towards him again.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Billy felt another spark of anger as Tommy was quick to shake his head, like he had the right to disagree with him, “I would never get with her.” Billy snapped, trying to keep himself as calm as he could manage. Tommy had a small grin on his annoying face. 

“Good, because you know she really is cute. I like redheads. Sad girls just always spread their legs so much easier, I bet my cock would solve all of her worries.” Anger flashed through Billy, and he was reaching for Tommy’s collar before he could stop himself. Tommy was laughing again, patting his shoulders to stop him, “I’m just fucking with you.” Billy exhaled deeply, not liking that he had been exposed so easily.

“Fuck you.” Billy told him seriously, trying to think of a way to defend his actions. He was trying to think of an excuse, trying to think of a way to deny everything that Tommy had just been right about. He could bring up that she was his sister again, but something in Billy felt tired. He couldn't find the energy to say anything suddenly. 

“I’m not judging, if she was my sister, I’d fuck her too.” Tommy spoke with a laugh, but Billy could tell that he wasn’t joking. Billy exhaled deeply, shaking his head as he took the last drag of the cigarette. He put it out against the wall for good measure, making sure that Tommy was watching him do it. He wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol, but he trusted Tommy not to say anything. 

“I’m going to punch you.” Billy grumbled out, meaning it seriously. He wasn’t sure what he had done to make Tommy suspicious, but he didn’t like how he basically knew the truth. He decided he would keep this from Kim, not wanting her to end up freaking out again. He suddenly wondered if she'd even get upset, since she apparently had such strong feelings for him now. He had a feeling Tommy wasn’t going to let him deny anything either. His grin only seemed to grow as he watched Billy’s irritated features. 

“You know I get it; I mean I had a cousin who I accidentally slept with.” Tommy spoke up randomly. Billy felt his nose scrunching up as he made a face. Billy didn't have any cousins, as far as he was aware, but didn't understand how you'd sleep with someone who was actually related to you. Billy supposed he wasn't much better at the moment. 

“How do you accidentally sleep with someone?” Billy wasn’t sure why that was his first question and not why his friend had slept with his cousin. Tommy exhaled, looking like he regretted saying anything. His brown eyes darted around this time, checking to see if anyone was listening. 

“Well, the accident was that I didn’t know she was my cousin.” Tommy admitted, talking with his hands as he took a drink from his beer. Billy fought the urge to laugh, unsure of why he found it so funny. For a moment he thought about teasing him, wanting to ask him if that's why Carol had dumped him this time. He kept quiet, realizing Tommy had accepted his answer. 

“That’s fucked.” Billy told him seriously, raising his eyebrows as he watched Tommy’s freckled face grow red. Now, Tommy was the one who looked irritated.

“Says the one whose fucking his sister.” Tommy shot back, looking just as irritated. Billy shook his head, stifling a laugh into his hand as he brushed his fingers across his lip.

“Not my sister:” He shook his head, wondering why he was having this conversation in the first place. He felt weird, slightly better. He had a sudden urge to tell Tommy everything he had done wrong. He wondered if his friend would know how to fix it, how to fix him. 

“What’s going on?” Chrissy appeared, smiling up brightly with her big blue eyes. She had two beers in her hands, reaching them towards the two boys with a big smile. Billy took it without a word, quickly turning to Tommy and giving him a warning look.

“Billy's lovesick,” Tommy pinched his cheek playfully, leaning against him as he did so, “He just won’t admit it.” Tommy fake pouted as he patted Billy’s cheek. He shoved his shoulder hard, knocking Tommy off as he scoffed and opened his new beer.

“Oh, who?” Chrissy looked excited, like she had just woken up to a pile of gifts underneath the Christmas tree. Billy shook his head, feeling a new wave of annoyance settling over him. He wished he hadn’t opened his mouth in the first place.

“Doesn’t matter,” Billy grumbled under his breath, "And I don’t love her.” The words hurt his chest as he spoke, but he ignored that feeling too. Tommy was smirking from ear to ear as he watched him. 

“I could help you,” Chrissy was grinning in excitement, “Do you want to make her jealous?” She was practically bouncing as she spoke. Billy felt a smile forming, despite the odd feeling in his chest. He thought that Chrissy and Kim would be good friends if they had the chance. He shook his head no, remembering how Kim had been around Tina. He didn’t want to hurt her. 

“I think he’s denying his feelings for her,” Tommy patted Billy’s chest with a smirk, “He doesn’t want to admit it.” Billy tried to ignore the ache that throbbed in his chest as Tommy’s hand brushed against his heart. He exhaled deeply, closing his eyes in frustration before he opened them again. 

“Oh, you just need to tell her,” Chrissy spoke up eagerly, “What’s the worst that could happen?” She offered, looking like Billy had just said the most romantic thing ever. Tommy opened his mouth first. 

“Well-”

“Shut up, Tommy,” Billy glared at him, keeping him quiet from blowing their cover. He might not care at the moment, but that didn’t mean he didn’t care for how Kim would react. She would freak out if anyone knew the truth. He didn’t want to scare her, “I’m not lovesick. I don’t do love.” He shrugged his shoulders as he opened his beer. 

“Sounds sad,” Chrissy made a disappointed face. If only she knew how sad his life actually was, “Who is it?” Chrissy tried again, digging for any details she could get her hands on. 

“No one that’s here,” Tommy spoke up again, “Ow!” He rubbed at his side, where Billy had just hit him hard. He was getting irritated again, wishing that the conversation would divert away from him. The more he thought about Kim, the more his heart hurt. He hated the feeling that was racing through his chest at the moment. It was making him feel angry and bitter. 

“Why are you all up in my business anyways?” Billy huffed out, feeling irritated that the topic was still on him. He didn’t like talking about stuff like this. He sounded like a dumb bitch that was mulling over someone. He wasn’t like that.

“Because you’re making yourself miserable when you don’t have to.” Tommy shrugged his shoulders, as if it was that easy to decide. Billy felt his eyebrows furrowing together.

“Why don’t you just tell her?” Chrissy asked, completely naive to anything else that was happening. He shook his head, fearing he would snap if they kept on him like this. 

“I’m not miserable,” He defended himself as he took another drink. He needed something stronger, something that burned when it entered his system, “I’m happy.” He did his best to smile as the other two just continued to look at him. 

“You know,” Tommy nudged him again, earning an exaggerated sigh from Billy, “You deserve to be happy too.” Billy stared at him for a long time, wishing it was that easy to accept his words. He wished he had the ability to just forget everything else in his life that had happened. If he got with Kim, he’d have to tell her everything. There could be no secrets between them, he knew that. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to open that can of worms. He had a lot hidden, that only he knew about. He wasn’t sure if he could share it with her. Surely, she’d hate him once she found out about everything that he had done. He didn’t want to look into her disappointed eyes and listen to her tell him that she had changed her mind. He couldn’t take that heartache. 

“I don’t want to talk about her,” He hissed out, “I came here to do anything but talk about her. So, can we stop? Please.” They both watched him for a moment in silence. Billy finished the rest of his beer, chugging it down as he urged to feel the familiar buzz throughout his body. 

“Well,” Chrissy drew out slowly, “What can we do to help?” She looked towards Tommy encouragingly, like there was some grand plan to somehow make Billy feel better. He appreciated her trying, but help wasn’t something that he needed. He knew there was no help for him. This was his fault; it was his problem. He didn’t need anyone; he was used to being alone. They both stared at him though, like they were waiting for his word. He shrugged, knowing the only thing he wanted to do was forget. He was sure Neil and Susan would be home soon, but he didn’t care. He felt like a beating was what he deserved anyways. He’d deal with that later. 

“Stop talking about her.” Billy said honestly, still craving the urge to forget everything that had happened. He oddly found himself thinking of how she would gently play with his hair. His body twitched at the memory, and it was almost like he could feel her gentle hands at the moment.  Tommy hesitated for a second.

“You know, not talking about her isn’t going to help,” Tommy glanced towards Chrissy and lowered his voice as he leaned in closer to Billy, “You know you have to see her every day, right?” Chrissy leaned in closer, looking offended as she missed out on crucial details of their conversation. Billy exhaled deeply.

“I’m well aware of that.” Billy grumbled out, already planning how he was going to avoid seeing her. He could move out, but he didn’t want to. She was still keeping him there, even if he couldn’t be with her. He didn’t want to completely lose her. 

“That means that any time she brings someone over, you’ll have to hear.” Tommy told him seriously, gauging his reaction. Billy scoffed, knowing that Kim wasn’t the type to do that. Knowing her, she’d panic over bringing anyone home. Not to mention that she currently lacked a door to her room. 

“She’s not like that.” Billy insisted, watching the amused look that grew on Tommy’s face again. Billy felt another urge to punch him. 

“She wasn’t, because she had you,” Tommy said seriously as he motioned towards Billy with his hands, “She can be with anyone she wants now.” He said seriously. Billy felt his nose flare at the thought of Kim with anyone but him. He quickly tried to relax himself, but Chrissy had caught on easily to his angry features.

“You can’t get mad at her for hypothetically getting with someone when you say that you don’t care about her.” Chrissy said softly, like she was delivering a blow to him. He knew it was dumb, he knew it didn’t make sense.

“She deserves someone better.” Billy shrugged his shoulders, feeling his shoulders stiffening in defense when Tommy pretended to gag. Chrissy made a face, then shoved him.

“Be nice,” She told Tommy seriously before she looked back at Billy, “I’m sure she’s smart enough to decide who’s worth her time and who isn’t.” Billy wanted to say that she was smart enough for a lot of things, but she didn’t know what love was. Not truly. He didn’t want to ruin love for her. 

“You don’t understand.” He exhaled softly, trying to think of a way to explain how he was feeling. He wasn’t good at this part. 

“I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit,” Tommy was laughing, “You sound like an ass. You don’t want to be with her, because you think she doesn’t deserve you? I think she can make her own decisions.” Billy rolled his eyes.

“Why would I ask you for relationship advice in the first place?” Billy questioned him, knowing the full truth of what had happened between Tommy and Carol. Tommy paused for a moment.

“Touche,” He was still grinning, rolling the comment off of him easily, “If you don’t want to be with her then you can’t get mad if she gets with someone else.” Billy was simmering in his anger, waiting for his top to blow.

“Thanks for reminding me again.” He spoke dryly. If he tried hard enough, he could get with any of these girls and pretend they were Kim. A little pretending wouldn’t hurt him that much. 

“Well,” Tommy looked at him seriously as Chrissy glanced back and forth between them, “I don’t think you fully realize that.” Billy was well aware of what he meant. He’d get over it. It would be hard, but he could. 

His stomach dropped again as he thought of her. He thought of her big hazel eyes, her bright smile and the way her body reddened so easily. He could still hear her laugh and the way her body molded against his perfectly. He used to hate how he thought she fit around him perfectly, but she did. He thought of the cute outfits she wore, how she intensely did her makeup and willed for him to notice her. He wondered if she’d go back to Steve. He’d be stupid not to get with someone like Kim. She was completely different from anyone he had ever met. He didn’t want to lose her, but it felt easier to let her go now than hurt her in the future. 

“Billy, you deserve love like everyone else.” Chrissy said softly, looking up at him with bright blue eyes. He stared at her for the longest time, wishing that it was just that easy to accept. If he was going to let anyone love him, it would be Kim. He felt sick again and he willed for the feeling to leave him. He had to distract himself from the thought of her.  He moved forward, dropping his empty beer to his side as he pulled Chrissy’s small hands into his large ones. He pulled her closer, watching the way her blue eyes widened. 

“Dance with me.” 

[shuaestheist]

그림자 (shadow)

characters: jihoon (woozi), seungcheol (s.coups) + seokmin (dokyeom), chan (dino), joshua, seungkwan, hansol (vernon) summary: so this is how it feels to fall in love. word count: 1,486 genre: bxb, dark romance (dead dove: do not eat) content warnings: stalking, implied violent tendencies inspiration: 미행 (그림자: shadow) (f(x))

So this is how it feels to fall in love.

You see, I've always been the lonely kid — Lee Jihoon, the outcast. Despite being Lee Seokmin and Lee Chan's cousin, arguably some of the most famous students of the school, my social status in the school is at rock bottom.  In fact, I was relentlessly bullied, ridiculed, and given dirty looks by the rest of the student body. For what reason? I didn't know. Even my own cousins avoids me like the plague at school, only interacting with me if our families have dinner together.

It felt like I was locked up in my very own version of hell, unable to escape the daily torture to my body and psyche. I wanted to die, even.

But like a knight in shining armor, you came. I even remember the moment I first met you. It was a normal day, of me being tossed around and bullied by these larger boys in my class out on the hallways where everyone could see. All the kids around me had their phones out, cameras and polished fingers pointed at me as they giggled among themselves. No one made a move to save me from it, lest they incur the wrath of these obese bullies. No one except you.

You weaved through the crowd and stopped one's fist from coming into contact against my body with one hand, the other helping me up and pulling me against your side. "Cut it out, we're in a school not a fucking wrestling ring," you spat, eyebrows furrowed as the bullies weighed their options. As they decided that it wasn't worth it, they left, and the crowd dispersed with even more dismayed whispering and judgmental glances. Daring to peek down, I saw the name behind my savior's face: Choi Seungcheol.

And just like that, a brand new ray of light began to shine down on me.

You were the brightest person in my lonely galaxy. In the vast space of sneers, stares, gossip, and judgment, you kept smiling and treating me with respect and - dare I say - love?

I know it has only been a few days, maybe weeks, since the time that you saved me from the grasp of those bullies, but there is something innately different with the way I feel around you. I feel like I'm opening up, like a blooming flower bud. You make me better, like I'm an actual human instead of a part of the school walls.

I guess you saw something in me too — you let me into your life so easy. It was like you were a book open only for me. I learned about your likes, your dislikes, your schedule, your friends, your family; I learned everything there is to learn about you. I prefer learning about you more than these boring subjects in school that gives me no joy. And I think you like it too, if our date is anything to go by.

One week after, we went on a date! Oh, you don't know how happy I was when we agreed on a date. Unfortunately, you didn't ask me out in public like I envisioned, but I still said yes nonetheless. I woke up super, super early on the day of the date — or maybe I didn't sleep, I really couldn't remember. All I know was that I was super excited. I spent the better part of an hour to pick out the perfect clothes for today, eventually settling on a pair of washed out blue jeans and a gray shirt — casual enough, but not too flashy. Lowkey.

I went early to your house and waited outside for you. You really took your time to prepare, since I had to wait two hours outside for you. And it was definitely not in vain once you stepped out of your house with a bright smile on your face, eyes disappearing into little slits. You look so happy to see me, which made me happy as well! You wore a baby blue button up with blue jeans, which made me feel severely underdressed. No matter.

We began to walk in tandem to the ice cream shop in town, me walking right behind you. We need to stay lowkey, yes yes, so you led the way and I followed, step by step. Once we got to the shop, you ordered a large cup of mint chocolate ice cream. I hated that flavor, but you didn't know it yet. That's fine, I'll like it if it's you. Then we went to the cinema, watched a scary movie. You squeaked and jumped a few times, which made me smile and laugh a little. I wanted to hold your hand to let you know that I am here and give you a bit of comfort, but it would've been too quick, not ideal for a first date in my mind.

And when our date ended, you let me into your house. It was, again, not ideal for a first date, but I let it pass, since you insisted. You even smuggled me into your room, our steps barely making a sound as we climbed the stairs. I felt my insides flutter and turn into mush — I've never been into another boy's house before! But because I trusted you, I followed your lead. Once we got inside your room, you let me sit on the chair in the corner of your room while you went ahead to watch. Interesting how the chair is at the very nook of the room, shadows hiding it from view. I bet when the sun rises, this would be a perfect spot for reading books or doing your hobbies. I envision it already, and it put a smile on my face.

You finished bathing quickly, wearing nothing but a towel around your waist as you raided your closet for nightwear. My cheeks feel like they're flaming, and they might be beet red right now, but I couldn't look away as the towel fell around you and you wiggled into a pair of boxers. You even opted not to wear a shirt of any kind. I watched in rapt attention, memorizing every detail of you that I could. And how could I not? You were the image of perfection, an Adonis made for me and me alone. And the fact that you welcomed me makes it all the more vital for me to memorize everything that is you.

"Good night," you say into the cool night air as you slipped underneath the covers and fall asleep. I held my breath for a bit before whispering a soft good night back, unwilling to wake you from the beginnings of your slumber. Slowly, I inched closer to your sleeping figure. I traced your features with my fingertips — your cat-like eyes, the sharp bridge of your nose, the slight upward lilt of your mouth, and your sharp cheekbones. I ingrained them into my touch and watched you sleep closely.

I saw myself out once the sun began rising, climbing out the window so I won't alert your parents of my presence.

Until our next date, Seungcheol hyung.

"Rumor says you're that weird Jihoon kid's cousin, hyung?" Seungkwan jeered as he poked the senior's side in the cafeteria, Seungcheol in tow behind him. Seokmin felt a full shudder run along his spine at the mention of the older's name, while Chan glared at Seungkwan. "Jeez, don't mention him to me. It's bad enough that he goes to this school of all places," the youngest sighed deeply.

"Why, what's up with Jihoon?" Hansol asked, barely swallowing his mouthful of food. "I saw Cheollie hyung help the kid a few days ago," the younger added, with Seungcheol nodding in agreement. "You shouldn't be good to Jihoon hyung, Seungcheol hyung," Seokmin faced the older male with serious urgency laced in his voice.

"Seokmin’s right, Cheol. Best you stay away from Jihoon," Joshua, Seokmin’s best friend and fellow theater kid, quipped as he sipped his Coke. "Why?" Seungcheol repeated Hansol’s question, mind filling up with worry. Joshua made the group huddle together as Seokmin took a deep breath.

"Jihoon moved here because he has a bunch of TROs filed against him back in Busan," the eldest of the group murmured. "What?!" Seungkwan gasped out loud, earning the stares of some people seated near them. "Shut the fuck up, Kwannie hyung!" Chan whisper-shouted, which turned into a death stare match. Seungcheol ignored the two and focused on the shocking information he learned just now.

"Why the TRO?" he asked. "He's a serial stalker, Cheol. With a high chance of becoming violent, said the police. So I suggest you stay away from him. He's violently obsessive." Seokmin warned the older. "And Seungkwan says you rescued the kid?" Joshua asked, to which Seungcheol nodded.

"Good luck, Choi Seungcheol. You earned yourself a violent shadow."

[kinetic-elaboration]

December 12: Work Shit

Today was such a shitty day. And for the most dumb-fuck reasons too. There was work drama in the morning so incredibly inane I am embarrassed to post about it in a pubic space but the tl;dr of it is that I had no opinions about the thing, but was still the brunt of others’ (an other’s really) annoyance about it. We kept saying ‘it’s not personal’ as we spoke harshly to each but it felt SO personal, and I just couldn’t get over it for pretty much the rest of the day. I am quite sure it wounded me more and affected me for longer than anyone else. I want to be like ‘please don’t do this to me, I am a sensitive flower, I am easily emotionally decimated’ but also like ‘I am not bothered at all (lying), I am strong and fine, I am above this, I am not engaging because there is nothing to engage with.’

Again, there was nothing to engage with. But it just made me feel so shitty. I still feel kind of sad even now, to be honest. I was so bummed out and tired that I took a nap as soon as I got home (after a bus ride sitting in front of someone who was yelling into their phone and kept saying ‘no one can hear me! It’s the bus!’—um? We can all hear you because it’s the bus?). There was probably nothing else for me to do but of course now I am up late because it takes a while to wake up again from a nap, then I am all riled up and easily distracted. So I will go to sleep at a stupid hour again, and also have accomplished nothing with my paltry post-work hours.

Fuck I’m so depressed. This is such a depressing train of thought.

Anyway, yesterday I mentioned at work that I had never seen a single episode of Doctor Who (this is the truth: I think I saw a partial episode on TV, but not even the whole thing) and this shocked my co-worker considerably. She said it was incredibly surprising of me or something of that nature. And I do not know how to take this. I mean, probably what she means is ‘you are known as someone who likes science fiction and is rather nerdy’ and these are true things and also positive reputations to have. But I have literally never given the slightest fuck about Doctor Who lmao. I can’t tell you why, but it obviously doesn’t feel weird to me that I don’t because I never have! Obviously I’ve been in a lot of spaces that are sort of Who-adjacent (fandom, tumblr, nerd-dom, crossover appeal with other stuff I like) but it’s never been tempting or intriguing at all. It’s not on my list.

What I said was just like… a non-answer that sounded like an answer based on my tone of voice. Like, ‘Hmmm, well I’ve seen a partial episode on TV and I’ve seen Torchwood.’ This is all true but does not at all address the surprise or the reasons of my not being interested. I was surprised by her surprise, I don’t have good reasons, and also all I could say would probably read as insulting to Who fans, one of whom was in the room.

I think part of it is, honestly, that my mom isn’t into Doctor Who, and so I did not have anyone getting me into it at a formative time. Not that people can’t get into Who independently and not that I haven’t gotten into things independently but I just… I really think that in this particular instance, if she had been into it, I would have been. My mom being into Torchwood is the reason I watched it (well… 2-ish seasons). She thinks Who is a kids’ show and while it’s probably more a family show, that opinion really influenced my non-desire to watch it.

Another part is that I’m sort of a sci-fi poser in a way. I hate to admit it but it’s true. I love that people think of me as a sci fi fan and I think of myself that way too but I am NOT well read. I’m more like an ST:TOS fan with aspirations to sci fi fandom. This isn’t to say I want to pick up Who (or Dune, the other piece of science fiction I was strangely assumed to be familiar with), but I do want to be more well-read in some classic sci fi literature, as well as be more aware of like modern sci fi stuff. Especially books. There are very few sci fi TV series that interest me. A couple but not a ton.

I also have a weird definition of science fiction which is, it’s science fiction if it FEELS like science fiction to me, personally, the arbiter of all things. Some media are in the sense that they can’t be anything else, I guess, but they don’t feel like science fiction to me and so I’m not interested, which is a weird and irrational and unreasonable thing for me to say, but it’s the middle of the night and I’m sad so there it is.

[graftisms]

CALLIE & ANGEL — DAY THIRTY-FIVE

location :   early evening / dressing room

featuring :   @dobits

ANGEL

immediately post evie date, angel had beelined to callie, smacked a soppy kiss to her cheek and handed over the little blue flower he'd very discreetly and possibly illegally picked for her from old town. it'd sat on the crook of his ear the whole car ride home until he was able to press it into her hand. a goofy and probably unnecessary gesture since she maintained how chill she was about the whole thing, but angel felt like he should do something to affirm all the promises he'd made to her the day before. i'm focused on you. my head isn't gonna turn. doesn't matter who walks through the doors. nothing's really changed. 

except angel's knees are bouncing under the vanity. it's more than likely due to the fact that he'd had suspiciously limited time to fill callie in on the events of the date. he'd gotten to most of it: she's super sweet, you're gonna love her, got the idea she was gonna chat to pretty much everybody. it was admittedly brief and surface level and he'd barely gotten to the stuff he wanted to inform her of, let alone the stuff he still kinda wanted to avoid. since then he'd done a beach hut, met eden, tended to jenny's insecurities, and not a whole lot else. late afternoon is giving way to the evening and he'd finally gotten callie quasi-alone in the dressing room as people start filing in to the shower queue and it just feels like there's some stuff he's still missing. namely - gossip. "so, what do you think about the new girls?" he shoots callie a sidelong grin, hands busy picking through presumably adela's shit in search of ye old lost hair tie. "i thought eden was funny as fuck." 

CALLIE

while it isn't lost on callie how little she's heard about the infamous angel-and-evie date, she's made it a point so far not to ask. she's not interested in being one of those girls, the kind that needs to hear about every little detail to feel some sense of security. she's secure enough in the relationship without asking for it, any mild anxiety she had during the waiting period today quelled when she saw his goofy smile again. but it doesn't change the fact that she does want to know, not because she's afraid of what he'll say, but because she wants to understand more of where the bombshells' head is at. evie had been sweet when they had met, disarmingly easy to talk to, but the lack of talk about angel had been awkward elephant in the room even when she was trying to make it not. they hadn't much time to talk earlier, but now seated in the dressing room as she does her makeup, part of her is hoping it comes up. but if last night was any indicator, angel's not very good at offering up what she wants to hear. "i caught up with eden this morning, which was nice! she remembered me," she smiles at her reflection in the mirror. either last night or earlier today she had definitely let it slip that she's met her before. "her dates went well, which i'm not surprised. she's so easy to get along with." a brief pause. "evie seems nice, too. i talked to her earlier. it's just so nice to have girls from home." even evie's accent is a warm memory of home. "i hope her date with charlene went well, she could use a win. did she mention her or anyone else on your date?" she says date like a high schooler would, sing-songy and how she's been saying it all day to him.

ANGEL

"oh my god, you have no fucking idea how hard it was not to tell her i used to watch her dad all the time when i was a kid." probably exactly no one is shocked to learn angel was an animal planet kinda guy. "yo, you gotta secure us a meet and greet before we leave." hair tie finally secured from the depths of a makeup bag, angel shakes off the stray hairs before sweeping all of his own locks onto the top of his head. it creates a much needed funnel for his focus as the conversation turns predictably to evie. "yeah, she definitely gives me charlene vibes, like i was sayin'." big grin magnetizes back to callie, warmed by how genuinely unbothered she seems. the trust it implies puts his heart on a fast two beat with a crash on the cymbal. "uh, yeah, everybody?" angel laughs, hearty and genuine. "i think she's just seeing who all she vibes with. like, she looked me straight in the eye and said i wanna get to the know the twins. i'm like -- the twins? not my twins." brow furrows down, mouth parting, hammed up and scandalized. lasts only a fleeting moment before he's chuckling again. "yeah, i dunno, she's bold low key. she didn't say anything to you? like, about the date or whatever?"

CALLIE

"you totally should've, she would love to hear it i'm sure. i'm impressed you even know who her dad is. charlene had no idea," she huffs out a small laugh, trying to concentrate on her mascara. there's a lightness to this moment that callie hadn't felt yet today, no doubt with the lack of him around. any doubts of making the wrong choice in bringing him back safely went out the winner when she got a brief glimpse of what it'd like to be here without him. "she's a sydney native, did i say that? maybe she'll last long enough for family day, that'd be sick." her and eden are getting on like old friends, but that doesn't mean she's about to ask to meet her famous father. everyone is such a cop-out answer that it makes callie snort, glad she got it out of her system before he mentions her and dylan. "yeah, she mentioned to me she was interested in dylan a little, but that he seems pretty closed off, which, yeah. she's definitely not interested in me, though." that felt perfectly clear in their conversation, because if there's one thing callie is good at picking up on, it's when a pretty girl is interested in her. but she's not pressed, considering the feeling is mutual, even if evie is very pretty. "bold, yeah?" that is not the vibe she got from evie, who didn't even wanna mention angel at all. putting her mascara down, she steals a peak over at him. "no, i got the feeling she didn't want to talk about it with me," she admits, lips twisting a bit. "why, did she try to stick it on you?" she jokes, but that nosiness is back, with a vengeance.

ANGEL

“yeah, they used to always be on early as shit before school. so tite.” his attention is sat squarely on callie now, turned sideways on the chair and watching her with his chin propped up in his hand. “oh my god, family day,” angel hypes, reaching forward to squeeze her thigh. “why am i kinda more excited to see her dad than mine?” purely a joke, even saying the words make his head buzz from excitement at the idea of seeing his old man here, although they’d more than likely send in his sister or something. he takes a second to imagine what it’d be like to meet callie’s grandparents in a place like this, warms to it just in time for conversational whiplash. a half smile plucks one side of his mouth, head shrugging. “yeah, little bit. just that silly love island flirty shit, y’know? mostly it was just, like, an interview. learning about her life and stuff. it was chill. i just wanted to come back and talk shit with you about it.” there’s a pause as angel casts his gaze over the dressing room, thoughtful and considering. “yeah, i mean, she said one kinda weird thing, but i don’t want you to take it like drama. it was just, like, bombshell stuff, y’know, about you and frankie. said she said it to, like, explain why she wants to get to know me. ‘cause frankie’s supposedly your first choice or whatever.”

CALLIE

she glances up at his gaze heavy on her, a smile heavy on her pursed lips before asking, "what?" family day feels like so far away and yet so close by, not something she can genuinely think about without her chest tightening from how badly she misses her family. "no, same," she laughs, shaking her head. "do you think he'd actually come? that i'll ask." that seems safe enough, and she'd hope eden would know she's more than just some fangirl. newly mascara'd eyes blink in mild surprise when he actually says yes to her question, although she instantly knows she shouldn't be. what comes next, however, is completely different, stomach churning at the mention of her ex that she anticipated as soon as angel said weird. it feels like such a blatant attack against her that the whiplash between that and the girl she just spoke to earlier tonight stings, teeth digging into the inside of her mouth for a beat. how is she not supposed to take that as drama? "yeah?" she asks, but her voice no longer sounds as light as casual as before, instead a little hollow. "and what did you say to that?"

ANGEL

"wow, you and eden really are besties, huh?" he teases, brow ticking up at her. when callie mentioned she'd met the bombshell before, he imagined it was more in passing, just by association, but he makes the mental note to bug eden about it more, see what goofy anecdotes he can squeeze out of her. immediately angel can feel the mood shift and he feels the air deflate out of him. she doesn't say much, but that's almost worse 'cause he can see there's a whole bunch of emotions working behind her big brown eyes and she's refusing to tip any cards. "i mean, i didn't say much, except that, like, i already knew you and frankie had an intense relationship." he genuinely has no clue that that's not the part she means. "it wasn't, like, super fuckin' sick to hear it from somebody who's seen it all from the outside, but, i dunno, i got the impression she just thought she was lookin' out for me. so i was like, hey, you're chill, we'll get to know each other more. i don't think she was trying to be shady."

CALLIE

any friendly gossiping is immediately sucked out of the atmosphere with the black hole that is everything angel dumps on her, finding it more insane as he continues. throat feeling suddenly heavy, callie makes an effort to rummage through her makeup bag as if she's looking for something, when in reality she just can't get herself to look at him, or at her reflection in the mirror. both would show too much of how she's feeling right now, like the ground has been pulled out from under her from twenty feet in the air. she's not even sure why she didn't expect it at this point, getting let down by someone she trusts, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. for a good minute she doesn't speak, hoping in the silence he realizes how absolutely insane he sounds. but when nothing comes out, all she can do is slowly say, "alright." there's a bit of a laugh, too, because how the hell does she unpack that all? "is that what you think, then?" she asks after a beat, still focusing on her makeup bag. "that you're second to frankie for me?" she tries not to make it sound as absurd as it feels, but it's not easy. we'll get to know each other more. callie replays that in her head, shaking her head to herself. "alright, so you're gonna get to know her then," she reiterates his words, deadpan. "cool." giving him one more shot to let what he's saying actually sink in. "that's just... i don't even know where to begin with all you just said," she laughs again, a dark sound. makeup is going back in her bag, in case she wants to make a break for it.

ANGEL

“nah, no way,” angel answers thoughtfully, if not distractedly. he’s watching her avoid looking at him, all her movements seem jerky and unpredictable. he definitely fucked up somewhere in this conversation, though it’s taking him a minute to pinpoint it. angel was so preoccupied making sure he didn’t disrupt the vibes between then girls that he somehow became the instigator. “oh — cal, no,” is the sentiment he affords almost in tandem to understanding what exactly tripped her up. there’s a dip in between his brow, not nearly big enough to hold all the guilt he didn’t even realize he had. “okay, hold on a sec, can we just —,” he lets out a sigh and reaches out to set the curve of her jaw in his palm, imploring her attention, “just pause? please? can you just look at me, ‘cause i’m not trying to say i wanna graft this girl, okay? to be crystal clear.” how could it be even remotely a possibility? does she genuinely think he’s capable of that? “‘kay? i want us on the same page here. let’s talk about it.”

CALLIE

she doesn't have to look at him to know when it finally clicks into place for him, his own stupid words. angel touches her jaw and she's quick to push his hand away, too annoyed and hurt for the physical touch, but she does let herself finally look back at him with a slightly clenched jaw, trying to keep the emotion from growing in her eyes. "i want to be on the same page, too," she tells him, but there's a growing edge to her tone. "like, i know you're trying to play it off as it's nothing, but i'd love to know why some new girl comes in who clearly likes you and starts throwing doubts at you about our relationship, and all you can respond is, 'hey, you're chill, we can keep getting to know each other.' because not only did you just give her the green light to think she can graft you, but you... why didn't you stick up for me?" her lips puff out a bit, feeling pathetic even having to ask. "unless you actually feel like she was right--she doesn't know our relationship, angel. hell, she doesn't even know frankie and i, past whatever was on tv. and it really fucking hurts my feelings that she did that, and you don't even seem to care." it's like him trying to befriend frankie when callie was still deeply hurt by the way things ended between them. she knows he's the type to be friends with everyone, but there has to be some exceptions.

ANGEL

it’s not like she didn’t explicitly warn him about this. that she’d been beat down by disappointing relationships and she was officially done taking any perceived hits. he’d just expected that she’d know him well enough by now that he wouldn’t play games and he definitely wouldn’t do anything to purposefully hurt her. but it all feels very life and death with callie, pretty hot or extremely cold. “i’m not… i’m not trying to play it off,” angel defends quietly, a seemingly important amendment as he takes in everything else she’s saying. his touch effectively blocked, angel folds them in his lap, chin tucked. “no, i don’t feel like she was right, but — like, you gotta understand, the shit she said is, like, so fresh and the biggest insecurity i have about us. and i know that’s irrational and you reassured me, like, a thousand times and i believe you, but it’s just, like, the quiet part of your brain that’s tellin’ you all the shit you really don’t wanna hear, y’know? and it totally threw me for a second, i just didn’t know how to handle it and, yeah, you’re right. that’s on me. i should’ve argued it more.” it’s hard to defend just by virtue of the fact that, to angel, it all seemed casual, maybe even silly in it’s innate love islandness, so the all-encompassing doom of callie’s reaction blindsides him as much as it breaks his heart. “but i didn’t think she was right, callie. i thought it was bizarre that someone could look at us and decide we weren’t gonna work. i don’t care if she grafts me ‘cause she was never even an option to me. even if you walk outta this room saying you’re gonna keep your options open, i’m still only here for you. i’d fight seb and charlene a million times for you. you’re the only thing i want in here.” eyes flicker over her face, brow knit. “do you believe me?”

CALLIE

she won't argue, but the fact of the matter is that angel is trying to play all of this off as not drama, as if someone she barely knows telling the guy she's falling for that callie doesn't even see him as a first choice is no biggie. to him it might be no biggie, maybe—until he brings up his insecurities about frankie, which makes her want to laugh and cry at the same time. it always comes back to frankie. it's not like she's not sympathetic to his insecurities, and when the blonde is brought up as often as she is in the middle of their relationship, callie can understand why he feels that way. but hadn't he been the one that assured her that he would be fine with the drama that came from her bringing him back to the villa? it's not like she hadn't warned him, or haven't put him first since their first kiss in casa. "i get that it's irrational, but... i don't know what else i can do, if the frankie stuff really upsets you so much," she runs her fingers through her hair, looking at him anxiously. "i was coupled with her for two days. she doesn't know anything about my last relationship, or my mum, or most of the shit that i've told you. i can't... if this is something that's going to get in the way of us, tell me now," she asks, dark eyes meeting his. everything he's saying is melting some of her annoyance away—because the way he had said it earlier, she did think he was implying getting to know evie—but after talking about it last night, it's hard not to think about his last relationship. she doesn't want him to resent her about frankie the way he resented his ex. "because i really bloody like you, and i don't think i can do this place without you." she wouldn't want to, either. "but i don't want to move too fast if you can't get past frankie, or if you have any interest in getting to know evie or anyone else. i don't want to have to watch her graft you. i don't wanna share you." not the first time she's said it, but this time it's not in vain.

ANGEL

the rake of her anxiety-ridden fingers puts one of her curls out of order with the rest and angel reaches out a passive, impulsive hand to brush it back into place. "look, i'm not gonna lie to you, it's for sure something that kinda bumps up in the back of my mind sometimes. like, when she defended you to seb or during the challenge or, y'know, when a bombshell brings it up on our date...," tone is glib and deadpanned, head inclining, realizing now how suspicious it kinda is. "it's like... god, what do they call it? when you think the thing you know you shouldn't? like, the crazy thought? -- intrusive!" thinking about frankie and callie getting back together definitely feels like spontaneously deciding to drive into oncoming traffic. chin lowers, his eyes set on her like he's trying to impress upon her how definitive his answer is. "but it's not gonna get in the way of us." maybe it'll exist there sometimes, once in awhile, in a vague impulse he'll just let pass, but it's through no fault of her own. and it certainly doesn't disparage the bond they're forging for themselves, especially when she points out all the things she's shared solely with him, a fact that admittedly does fuel a sense of renewed confidence. it's what he'd wanted when he'd brought up the whole thing in the first place and it's not unlike what follows, a string of sentiments he wants to hang like twinkle lights on his windowsill. it feels vulnerable, especially for callie, and he doesn't think twice about slinging his arms around her middle, pulling her off the vanity stool and into his lap. "never gonna happen," angel promises. "i told you before i wanna go where you go, that hasn't changed for me." if anything, it's no longer a want, but a requirement. "'cause trust me when i say i like you more and, more than that, i totally don't give a shit about moving too fast." he shows her a flash of a grin at that, waits 'til it melts off to add, "it's you and me, 'kay?"

CALLIE

she swallows down any lingering doubts about his frankie complex, no longer as on edge as she had felt minutes ago. if there's one thing that she appreciates about angel, it's the way he manages to calm her down with a few words, keeping her grounded when the villa makes her feel like she's somebody else entirely. for someone who can't seem to see past her previous coupling, angel speaks about the two of them with such decisiveness that it's hard not to take everything at face value. she wants to, but if angel's intrusive thoughts are about frankie, then callie's are about waiting for the other shoe to drop. after all, him having no interest in evie doesn't really erase from the fact that the bombshell is lining up to be angel's second choice—not unlike the second choice she claimed that angel was for callie. but it's hard to think about anyone else when he's pulling her onto his lap, arms linking around his neck as she curls into him. if they can just make it to the end of this, callie knows that they could be smooth sailing in the real world. it's so close, she can taste it. with a small nod, she takes his chin in her hands to press a kiss to his lips. somehow it feels like enough of a response to how she's feeling, but if not, she adds a decisive, "you know i trust you," to the end of it. it's not until her head is resting against his chest for a few heartbeats that she adds, "you're gonna have to tell her you're not interested, though. you can't tell someone you want to keep getting to know her after she takes you on a date and badmouths your girl without letting her think she has a shot." it's matter-of-fact, but the badmouthing comment does stir some residual hostility, callie can't help it. "she should focus on charlene, anyway." someone great who actually is open to getting to know other people.

ANGEL

at the very least angel was bracing himself to be in the dog house (and maybe he still is), but at most he was genuinely concerned that this would be the part where callie pushes him away. it’s his expectation that he wouldn’t let that happen, but it’s thankfully a pointless consideration because her kiss feels like reconciliation, easy and wordless and affirming. he hopes her words ring as true as that kiss feels, ‘cause it seems like there’s an implication of mistrust. that he should think twice about what he says to evie before he lets it spring easily from his mouth like every other thing. “— you mean you aren’t gonna tell her for me?” a joke, just a prod at the high school imagery it kinda paints, two girls fighting over some dude who definitely isn’t worth it. a cheshire smirk curls at his lips, pressed up against her forehead. “my girl, huh?” he teases lowly. “say it again.” considering how resolute callie is about not going too fast, angel simply can’t help celebrating each little win with annoying fanfare. a sigh melts all the playfulness away, grows more serious as he nods. “yeah, i’ll talk to her about it tomorrow… are you gonna talk to her?” he wonders, was genuine when he said he didn’t wanna mess with the vibe between the girls. after all, bombshells are gonna bombshell. “like, about all that?”

CALLIE

she makes a show of laughing without a lick of humor, before exchanging a look his way. but of course she knows he's joking, and it's hard to take it very seriously anyway, when his repeat of her words makes her lips twitch into a fighting smile. if there's one thing callie's never been good at with dating, it's the casualness that comes before a fully defined relationship. there's a reason none of her relationships before her big ex lasted long enough to call themselves a real relationship, either letting herself jump in too quickly, or get lost in the silly rules of dating: wait a few hours before replying, don't put out until at least the third date to be taken seriously, etc etc. every friend of hers had a different rule that she'd eventually come to break anyway. love island is without its rules too, most of them practiced religiously rather than discussed: exclusive doesn't mean boyfriend/girlfriend, leave your options open before immediately jumping into anything. but she's never been good at rules, and maybe it's because of the speed at which they're moving (despite her constantly trying to bring up that they're moving pretty fast), but she's already starting to view him as her boyfriend. for now she just kisses him instead of actually saying it again, although when she pulls away, she does admit, "i really missed you today, you know. it was really weird without you." codependent much? at least she's self-aware. callie's glad he doesn't argue with her about it, though his question has her making a face. "i don't know," she admits, truthfully. "maybe eventually, but i wouldn't even know what to say. i'm just annoyed, because we had a really nice chat earlier today, so hearing her saying all this about me... i was hoping we could be friends." but even if they get there, it'll take a minute for the sting of the deceitfulness to wear off.

ANGEL

“yeah?” a big smile holds up the apples of his cheeks, eyes crinkle at the edges. “you were playin’ it so cool, i wasn’t totally sure. was hoping you’d be missing me.” there’s a particularly juvenile part of angel that kinda wanted callie to be a little jealous, but only innocently. not remotely to hurt her feelings, but just enough to prove he meant something real to her. “i missed you, being out there isn’t even worth it without you. like how you were at the market, all excited and giggly.” the memory makes him laugh warmly, fingers splaying over the fabric of the dress stretched over her thigh. watching callie enjoy herself like she was when they were on their date had made him feel a distinct sense of pride, it made him feel good. it could probably be a link to the utter lack of thought he’s giving to the speed of their growing relationship. if it feels so good, why overthink it? why try and smother it? especially on a day like this, where their bond’s tested so directly. with frankie (and now evie) in the rear view, it’s easy to show callie each and every one of his cards. “mhm,” angel acknowledges, head bobbing. “that is super weird.” it doesn’t feel particularly natural to disparage who he feels is a new friend, but validating callie outweighs politeness. “yeah, maybe just let it lie, y’know? i’ll handle it tomorrow and then we can do our thing,” he says with a smile. breakfast, swimming, listening to their friends talk about themselves. it occurs to him to plan that date he’d promised, too. “but i’m sure things’ll blow over with evie. shit moves fast.”

CALLIE

"i mean, i told you last night that you were gonna go on a date, so i knew it was coming. and, like, no offense to evie, but i didn't think i had any reason to stress. but i don't know," she slides her hand down his neck softly, "i didn't expect to be so bored without you. or for it to take so bloody long. what, were you aging the wine and everything?" she makes a face, but the spark in her eyes is playful. maybe she should be jealous him and evie got a much more romantic date than the two of them did, but callie likes thinking back to their shopping trip, something about how silly and normal it was meaning more to her than anything fancy. "i was not giggly about grocery shopping," she argues, nipping his bottom lip before stealing a kiss. "mmm, but how was town? was it cute? were you by the water?" it still blows her mind that she's been here for nearly a month and still barely knows anything about the island. there's something about him calling it super weird that makes her roll her eyes, because he's acting like evie's actions are shocking, as if it's not super easy for her to see through. "i'm not stressed," she shakes her head, because she's not. annoyed, maybe, and a little hurt that someone who doesn't know her would speak so poorly about her to the person who matters most here. but callie doesn't need to be friends with everyone here.

ANGEL

there’s something so bittersweet about the imagery her words conjure up. there was angel, sitting at the date drinking up the wine and evie’s doubts while callie sat here missing him. it casts a shadow of guilt that quickly gives way to sunny resolution. there’s no way he’ll let himself second guess her again, she deserves better than that. “you’re so much better than me,” he tells her, repressing a smirk. “whenever you get called to a date i’m not waiting around here. i’m gonna, like, hitch a ride on the underside of the car. cape fear vibes.” though joking, it would be fair to estimate that angel’s jealousy probably outweighs her’s. the kiss he meets her with is loud, smacks, and is followed by another on her cheek, then her jaw. “you were so giggly, it made me so happy.” a chuckle rumbles in his chest, pulling back to look at her. “do you think i’d let them take me to the water without you? nah, could see some peeks of it around the buildings. it was super fucking cool, gonna be dope to go explore once we get out.” he nods, satisfied, and uses his fingers to push some curls off her cheek. “good. did anything fun happen in here while i was gone?”

CALLIE

"oh please," she scoffs, shaking her head. "i doubt you'll have to worry about that, anyway. there can't be many more bombshells coming in, and i probably won't be high on their priority list." especially knowing what evie's said about her, callie's beginning to doubt how great her edit's been, with all the frankie drama. "which is fine by me. i'm all dated out," she adds, with an exaggerated shrug of her shoulders. not like she hasn't been on... four? dates already. "i was not." her argument might be stronger if she wasn't laughing anyway, girlish and warm. how anyone could think their relationship is insincere is beyond her, when callie constantly feels like they're acting like the grosses couple in the world. not that anyone can be surprised, since they had talked back in casa about how they wanted to be with someone they were proper obsessed with. "god, i can't wait," she groans. part of her is ready for that part already, for the show to be over--at least in terms of being able to do their own thing, and getting to leave whenever they want. "you have to swear to me that we'll do some exploring before heading home. i feel like when the time comes i'm gonna wanna immediately be home, but i'll regret it if we don't check out the island for a few days." a lot is contingent on these plans--them getting booted from the show at the same time, for one thing--but harping on the details is how anyone can go mad. they'll cross that bridge when they get there. "no, i wasn't kidding when i said i was bored. i tried to nap, but my body wouldn't even let me. basically just the usual."

ANGEL

"i dunno, apparently we don't look married off enough," he tells her, tone laden with playful sarcasm. it feels like a joke anyway with her all scooped up in his lap, trading kisses like they're cringy high schoolers fooling around in a booth at mcdonalds. but there's nothing really to prove anymore, to anybody else or each other. "should we sleep on the terrace again?" he bites into the grin that threatens to split his features, only half-joking. actually, it'd be a very real consideration if there weren't so much speculation circling the production's walkies regarding the weather. head bobs, agreeing with every last bit of that sentiment. "i know, it's gonna be hard not to just go the fuck home. i'm all for coolin' out here for a bit though, i'm so gonna be there for your first surf sesh back." there's a thoughtful pause as he pictures it, indulges in the fantasy for a moment before the plot carries on and he's faced with reality and the question of what comes next. "so... you think then, like, you'd go home and i'd go home and we'd just meet up after we check in with everyone?" it's logistics that definitely don't need to be talked about now, but it is a curious thought. his lips press together, not entirely in love with the idea of splitting up after everything. maybe they'll need the space, but he imagines it would be more fun to stick together. "then we'll do real vacation?"

CALLIE

"well that's too bad," callie snorts. "i don't think we could be more obnoxious even if we tried." she already feels pretty fucking obnoxious right now, but she can't be arsed to care. callie likes being in a relationship with a strong physical touch, and after last night and the absence of him this afternoon, it's especially hard to keep her hands off of him. "would you do it again?" his offer makes her grin, not sure if he had really enjoyed the actual sleeping part of it, considering the ground isn't exactly the comfiest. "i totally would, if it wasn't apparently going to rain tonight." which isn't the end of the world—and callie's back will probably appreciate being back in a bed—but she did like the privacy. she's about to start praying to the love island gods for their time in the hideaway. "you can surf with me!" she realizes as soon as he says it, eyes lighting up at the thought. "i'll be sure to go easy on ya. i'll probably have to, since i'll be rusty as fuck." she's already dreading getting her ass back into training mode, even if it's just to build up her stamina to the way it had been. "oh, i... guess so?" lips press together as callie considers it. despite making casual plans here and there for the future, she's never been much of a planner, so the idea of how it's going to work after filming does throw her for a bit of a loop. "or we could take turns, go to australia first, then cali. or the other way around," callie shrugs. "whatever works. definitely a real vacation at some point, and you'll have to see sydney for yourself at some point." it's a gnarly long distance from LA to sydney, but while callie's started to come to terms with the idea of moving back to california, it feels too soon to talk about it.

ANGEL

brows furrow thoughtfully, makes a show of pretending to consider that. “mm, yeah, we should still try.” after all, by love island standards, he can’t imagine they’re the worst of the worst. more than that, angel is officially releasing the negative energy that comes with overthinking. from being wary of frankie to moving at a reasonable pace with callie, he’s keen to say fuck it and just enjoy what they have. “cal, i’d build us a bed frame out there if that’s what it takes.” he grins back, shamelessly makes no bones about how much he enjoyed himself, even despite the aches in his back. brows tick up, part glib and part dare. “but no one’s paying attention to us in the bedroom, y’know.” historically it seems like no one’s paying attention to anybody except their couple. in fact it seems like sleeping outside only draws more attention. the excitement that electric sparks callie at the mere mention of surfing has him bubbling with laughter. “nah, i’m gonna wipeout and you’re gonna get the ick.” she amends and he presses his lips into a smirk, head cocking. “oh, yeah, you’re gonna have to brush off the cobwebs. maybe i’ll smoke you then.” as if 1. callie could be out-surfed and 2. she could bear to lose an all-out challenge.

fingers are distracted mapping out the fancy threads of her dress, angel’s gaze trained to the tanned skin stretching over the delicate bones of her décolletage. he doesn’t wanna look her dead in the eyes ‘cause he knows his will betray how thoroughly exhilarated he is by her off handed suggestion. “yeah, we could go to cali first? so i can check on things, maybe. the shop and everything. and then… yeah, definitely sydney right after. i really wanna see all your spots.” he’s ultra-cool, playfully mimicking her chill with a sprinkle of self-aware sarcasm. how can he possibly deny how ridiculous and nerve wracking and cool it is that he met her here, that they don’t want their time together to end. “oh, damn, are you wrists okay?” he asks suddenly, delicately picking up one of her hands to inspect it. he presses a kiss to the inside of her wrist, smiles sweetly against the pulse. “do they hurt? like, from how cuffed i got you?”

CALLIE

"can we?" she laughs, nudging him in the shoulder. "you can go ahead and keep trying." because she would argue that he's the more obnoxious one after the two, although she'd be lying if she said she didn't love it. it'd be easy to overthink a lot of their relationship—how fast it's been moving, how serious things feel when they talk about the future—but there's an ease about angel that makes it natural, as if they've known each other a lot longer than a week or so. it's reminiscent to the way she operates back home, moving through relationships and life at her own speed, without thinking twice about it. she'd once told angel that she gets infatuated in relationships very easily, and it's like he's trying to put her words to the test—and right now, she's certainly proving him right. "i mean, i know that." she makes a face anyway, to show how she feels about it. "but it's just... it reminds me of staying in hostels during traveling. it's not very... romantic, you know?" it's hard to get herself in the mood when she can hear someone else moaning from the next bed over, like they're all a part of some orgy. "i will not," she laughs, shaking her head, "pinky swear. but i'll still smoke you," callie adds with a confident smile, not wanting him to expect anything less. right now making plans for outside of the villa is so unserious, so while she doesn't particularly love the idea of being away from elvis longer than she has to, she nods in agreement anyway. "will everyone be cool with you coming back to work just to leave right away again?" she asks, more curious about the set-up of his job than anything. callie's never had a job so permanent, that she had to worry about leaving behind. eyebrows only have time to knit together briefly before he's kissing her wrists, the punchline making her scoff in glee. "shut up!" she gives him a light shove in the chest. "i'd be going to LA either way, okay. to see romi and bash and them. you're not special." cue the grin.

ANGEL

“oh, i’m gonna,” angel assures her with a cheeky grin. he’s got, like, little to no qualms about pda. in fact, the qualms aren’t qualms as much as they are preferences. he’s never understood the idea that any kinda intimacy is supposed to be a litmus test for the seriousness of a relationship, equates the desire for proximity and their traveling plans to texting a new fling to hangout on a friday, but end up chilling together all weekend just because it’s fun and they can. how else are you supposed to build a bond? “yeah, no, i feel that,” he admits with an understanding laugh. “it’s college vibes, for sure. i mean… the terrace is pretty nice. good to know it’s there.” angel doesn’t exactly see them having full blown sex on tv, definitely wouldn’t press for that, but the privacy aspect is a drop in the plus column above all. “can’t wait to see you surf. do you get all, like,” he tools his lineaments into a look of mad dog seriousness, “game face about it?” he can imagine it, but he can just as easily imagine a fat smile slapped on her face as long as she’s on a board. “uh, no,” angel laughs. “i mean, it’s, like, not ideal for me either. it’s my shit, y’know? my responsibility. but i’ve never taken a long, full on vacation like this. i earned, like, a month or two then i’ll be back on the grind.” once he goes back he’ll just have to make more plans before bailing again, but he’s sure he can work it out. hand grips the outside of her thigh, pulling her closer into his lap even as she pushes against his chest. “mhm, mhm,” he teases her, teeth biting into his smile. “like you wouldn’t stay with me and ride in my cars.” the reminder puts a mischievous sparkle in his eye. “oh my god, i cannot wait ‘til i get you driving some crazy little mazda. somethin’ that jumps when you touch the pedal, y’know?”

[nemesyaaa]

OH WELL WELL WELL, I WANTED TO READ YOU AND SAW THAT FIC SO HERE WE GOOOOOO !!!

Marrying Rafe would feel like a dream come true. There would be every colour of flowers known to man. The whole island would be there. The rings would have the biggest diamonds. Your dress alone would cost tens of thousands but it’s okay because it’s Rafe Cameron. THIS IS VERY ACCURATE, NEED TO BE HIS CAMERON PRINCESS. HIS WIFE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND THE MOTHER OF ALL HIS CHILD. AND THE PARAGRAPH IS SO TRUE !! HE WOULD MAKE THE BIGGEST WEDDING ON THE ISLAND, AND NOT FUCKING CARE ABOUT WASTING MONEY ON IT 😩😩😩🙏🏿 (NEED HIM, NEED HIM)

face reveal right now :

It wouldn’t be a traditional churchy wedding. No. It would be at the biggest most expensive resort and you’d marry outside. In the sunset, the grass, fairy lights and flowers filling in all the empty spaces. Every chair laid out perfectly with little gifts on each of them. Your bridesmaids and groomsman would wear only the expensive stuff. You’d pay for everyone’s hair and makeup. EVERYTHING was on you (Rafe). All the kids would have their own gift bags to keep them occupied because you love kids and were able to bribe Rafe to let them be at the ceremony. YOUR WRITINGS IS AS GOOD AS I CAN CLEARLY SEE THE SCENES. DAAAAMN, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL !! AND I NEED TO LIVE THIS DREAM (WILL FIX ME I SWEAR)

Rafe would 1000% cry!!! Like undoubtedly. He’d just be stood at the altar already thinking about you and tearing up. Knowing that your the only person EVER who has show him the love he deserves and your here today to confirm that you will never ever leave him. He still doesn’t believe it to this day. He doesn’t even believe you said yes and meant it. But here you are, about to walk out on the path of flower petals to the song you both picked out that reminded you of your first everything. Seeing you, god he’d break down. And he wouldn’t even care about everyone seeing. Because he knows he banked the prettiest and most perfect person on the island and he wants everyone to know just how you make him feel. He’s wrapped around you finger. He’s so madly inlove with you. And today is the day he finally gets the chance to admit it. Everything. Everythings he’s felt and thought the past few years, he gets to tell you and everyone else. He was ready, but also scared. IF HE CRIES, I CRY. IT'S SIMPLE. BUT OMG PICTURING THAT SCENE, THIS IS AMAZING. SUCH A GREAT JOB 🥰🥰🥰🫡 I'M LEAVING

You’d have your first dance alone, separate from the rest of your friends and family. Youd want it to be private and intimate. Going outside to enjoy your time alone in the quiet and sway side to side together as you just look into each others eyes with nothing but absolute pure love. Neither of you have ever felt like this before but you’d never exchange it for anything. You both knew this was forever, and you couldn’t wait to move on to the next big step. IT'S FUNNY FOR ME BECAUSE I DONT PICTURE HIM AS A GOOD DANCER BUT FOR HIS WEDDING, HE WILL MAKE AN EFFORT I THINK. BUT S1!RAFE IN SUIT CAN DANCE, AT LEAST A SLOW. 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 NOW I NEED TO SEE THIS (ANYWAYS)

For my nsfw girlies, afterwards you’d get a private plane to your honeymoon. Before you’d share the dirtiest sex known to man. On the plane? Yes. On the beach. Yes? you wouldn’t stop. Because you were both insanely lovestruck and couldn’t keep your hands off each other. This was for life. And you couldn’t help but keep your hands and eyes on the hottest man in the world. He was all yours. And you wanted everyone to know that. You wanted HIM to know that. OHHH ON TJE PLANE PLEASE 🫡🫡 WHY CRUSHING THE POOR BED ON THE HOTEL WHEN YOU CAN HAVING SUCH A FUNNY TIME IN THE PLANE

YES YES YES YES YES YES

Becoming a Cameron

Marrying Rafe would feel like a dream come true. There would be every colour of flowers known to man. The whole island would be there. The rings would have the biggest diamonds. Your dress alone would cost tens of thousands but it’s okay because it’s Rafe Cameron.

It wouldn’t be a traditional churchy wedding. No. It would be at the biggest most expensive resort and you’d marry outside. In the sunset, the grass, fairy lights and flowers filling in all the empty spaces. Every chair laid out perfectly with little gifts on each of them. Your bridesmaids and groomsman would wear only the expensive stuff. You’d pay for everyone’s hair and makeup. EVERYTHING was on you (Rafe). All the kids would have their own gift bags to keep them occupied because you love kids and were able to bribe Rafe to let them be at the ceremony.

Rafe would 1000% cry!!! Like undoubtedly. He’d just be stood at the altar already thinking about you and tearing up. Knowing that your the only person EVER who has show him the love he deserves and your here today to confirm that you will never ever leave him. He still doesn’t believe it to this day. He doesn’t even believe you said yes and meant it. But here you are, about to walk out on the path of flower petals to the song you both picked out that reminded you of your first everything. Seeing you, god he’d break down. And he wouldn’t even care about everyone seeing. Because he knows he banked the prettiest and most perfect person on the island and he wants everyone to know just how you make him feel. He’s wrapped around you finger. He’s so madly inlove with you. And today is the day he finally gets the chance to admit it. Everything. Everythings he’s felt and thought the past few years, he gets to tell you and everyone else. He was ready, but also scared.

The tables were inside, all decorated with flowers and the finest gold cutlery. Everyone would have a meal that fit them, preferably their favourite meals. Because Rafe doesn’t care for money and wants only the best for everyone on your special day. He’d pay for 10 chefs that could cook up the best meals and obviously there’d be rows of tables full of picky bits for the kids.

You’d have your first dance alone, separate from the rest of your friends and family. Youd want it to be private and intimate. Going outside to enjoy your time alone in the quiet and sway side to side together as you just look into each others eyes with nothing but absolute pure love. Neither of you have ever felt like this before but you’d never exchange it for anything. You both knew this was forever, and you couldn’t wait to move on to the next big step.

For my nsfw girlies, afterwards you’d get a private plane to your honeymoon. Before you’d share the dirtiest sex known to man. On the plane? Yes. On the beach. Yes? you wouldn’t stop. Because you were both insanely lovestruck and couldn’t keep your hands off each other. This was for life. And you couldn’t help but keep your hands and eyes on the hottest man in the world. He was all yours. And you wanted everyone to know that. You wanted HIM to know that.

[1d1195]

That’s so real, loving them but not liking them lol I LITERALLY JUST SAID THAT today to my mom today about one of my cousins who I have found memories growing up but I don’t really want to have a relationship with tbh and it goes for the majority of them bc some of them ARE INSANE!! Especially from my mom’s side HAHA why did I think you had a brother?! I feel like you would be such a good big sister for a brother tbh and i obviously have no doubt your amazing for your sister! TELL ME WHY I ALSO THINK MY BROTHER IS MORE OUTGOING THAN ME!! We really are so similar it’s crazy but I love that for us! And you’re so kind Sam😭 my brother is definitely more social and can vibe with people easier and if he feels comfortable with people I would consider him to be more extroverted than I am at least! He’s kinda funny but somethings he says is kinda out of pocket but idk I blame it on him being a teen lol he’s also so musically gifted and definitely more talented than me HAHA BUT overall I think he’s a good kid, of course he has his moments and traits where I simply cannot understand lol

I feel like doing an Ancestry test would give you the answers you may want! I’ve personally never done any but I gifted my dad a 23 and me! The results were kinda wild considering I thought he would have more European blood bc colonization lol but he’s actually like 80% indigenous?!? Which I thought was SO cool!

BESTIE YOU SHOUDL DO IT!! I WOULD READ IF YOU EVER WANT OTHERS TO READ IT!! I genuinely think you’re like cool and I don’t think you give yourself enough credit for that! Also were you a flower crown girly when they were really popular?! Bc I definitely was and I was also a galaxy legging girl which was solely driven for my love for space lol also I love a good deal, so TJMaxx is fave to browse! bet you looked so pretty with it on!!

I love it too, and seeing it in Spanish is just so heartbreakingly beautiful! Idk it may be a controversial opinion or not but i definitely do think if you ever decide into venturing participating in it , you totally could. As long as you do it in a way where you genuinely want to learn the culture and respect it, there’s no harm in it. Respect is probably the most important thing!

Saw my TA today and god I am so down bad😔

Omg it’s crazy we have the same book?! I was so close to picking a fantasy one and idk I felt drawn to it!

I reread the original one shot today and it still hits! I think it was very clear that he was so in love with her by his actions and just the way he talks with her!

Oh bestie I have never been in love so we are in the same boat lol I’m pretty sure it has to due with my own self sabotage tendencies, self esteem, and vulnerability issues lol and you’re not weird at all for feeling like that!

We all deserve the love that we desire and while I think people advocate that what the media or literature present is a “fantasy”, I don’t think it’s un achievable! It just looks different for everyone because we all have different definitions and examples of what love is and can be. So many factors go into it, but i remember reading something where the author explained that we all have multiple people in which can love us romantically and platonically yet they all have different “levels” of love. And since there’s so many people/souls And paths that you can take, some achieve platonic love that romantic and vice versa. But all that love was meant for you to experience through multiple lives. IDK if any of that made sense but it’s probably my delusional self trying to find some way of viewing love lol and I think that writting that about the MC was so well done, it felt very therapeutic for the character but I’m glad that it works for you too💗

And you know I’ll be here for you! I love you and love chatting with you! Hope that you have the loveliest weekend!-💜

I think I would have THRIVED with a brother. But my sister is pretty cool. She's very artistic (double it and give it to the next one again) and she helps me with my clothes and makeup almost every time I need it. I'm sure your brother looks up to you and teens are DUMB (I mean that kindly given I spend most of my time with teens) so I'm sure his moments will get better with time 💕 You sound like you really adore him so he'll be fine :)

WOW that's so cool that your dad got results that were different than you expected! You should look into the results more (if you haven't already) it sounds cool! It would probs be really bad but I think i want a dramatic story about my extended family... 👀 probs antagonistic of me but as you can see I love them but don't like them HAHAHAHA I have some suspicions about my dad's siblings and I would LOVE to put some puzzle pieces into place 🕵️‍♀️

I would live in TJMaxx if I could 😂 I was neither a flower crown nor galaxy pants. I was too self-conscious to do either (still am) but I def would have been a flower crown girly FOR SURE.

Part of the problem is I am very emotional and people around me just ARE NOT. I enjoy watching all the TikTok posts about how love is this big romantic thing for a lot of people or maybe just in general and I feel really close to those kinds of posts. Let me see if I can find one... (it's probs going to make it into a story I'll write one day).

I appreciate the love I get but I think I often hold back how much I love people because I'd be viewed as weird. I like to believe I love the way that little picture shows. I feel like I really SEE people and I don't think I've ever been seen (hence the fanfic writing). I love my family, my friends, and my students so much. It's a little exhausting sometimes hahaha You made perfect sense 💕 I don't think you're delusional at all! You're still very young and you've got a great head on your shoulders and heart in your chest. You want to be in love with the right person and there's nothing wrong with that. Your "self-sabotaging" is probs saving you from a heartache that you don't know about. Just make sure that if you think it can go somewhere you try--even if it's like a date or two. I bet you have a good gut instinct and you'll know immediately 💕

HAVE A WONDERFUL RELAXING WEEKEND! Hope you do something fun or get to read your new book! 😊

xoxo

[damnedsoulsneedsleep]

ABOUT LUX

FULL NAME:  FRIST NAME REDACTED  ASH / LUX 

NICKNAMES: PETITE FLAMME/MON ANGE (by Sage), BLOOD OF THE MORNING STAR, BANE OF HEAVEN, HELL’S EDGE, LUCIFER’S SWORD, HEAVENLY FLAME 

PRONOUNS: THEY/THEM

SEXUALITY: QUEER 

AGE: 17 YO (SOUL IS 414 YO)

EYE COLOR: HAZEL  / GOLD

HAIR COLOR: BLONDE

SPECIES: MIRACLE AND TRUE NEPHILIM

FAMILY (biological father) SAGE (biological mother) MIRABELLE  (adoptive mother in the 1600s and stepmom today) NYX (grandfather) LUCIFER

PLACE OF RESIDENCE: EARTH // DARK DIMENSION

OCCUPATION: HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT // HEIR OF THE DARK DIMENSION

LANGUAGES: ENGLISH, FRENCH, CELESTIAL, DEMONIC

tw:  story contains topics such as abuse, religious trauma, illness

BIOGRAPHY

Growing up, they never really felt like they belonged. As a baby, they were found in a basket on the steps of a church, with a note signed with a G that said the child has no father. They’re adopted by a religious family who affectionately called them their miracle. At the age of 5, THEY MANIFESTED A MAGIC AFFINITY FOR FIRE, which scared the hell out of their very religious adoptive parents. Somehow, they ended up being raised by witches who’d heard of the couple planning to exorcise their child. Most witches said they sucked at being a witch. They’d internalized her previous adoptive parents’ fear of magic and instead of helping them overcome their traumatic past, they simply decided the kid was broken and basically made a maid out of them. 

Over time, THEIR INTERNALIZED PHOBIA OF MAGIC ATE AWAY AT THEIR IMMUNE SYSTEM. They were gonna die young (15) but a miracle happened in the form of a redhead man with golden eyes  who fed them his blood. They asked him who he was and he said I guess I’m a guardian angel. They told her witch family about it. They immediately thought a vampire had corrupted their soul but the kid was adamant it wasn’t the case. They’d felt the man meant no harm. No one believed them. And they never saw that man again.

But then, they started to be plague by NIGHTMARES, even in their waking hours. Bright beings with wings, others with horns and onyx eyes, lands of shadow and fire. ONE OF THESE VISIONS LED THEM TO PULL THE FIRE ALARM OF THEIR SCHOOL. 

FACTS

DESPITE BEING A SECOND GENERATION NEPHILIM, THEY ARE AS POWERFUL AS A FIRST GENERATION NEPHILIM. Sage originally believed them to be the descendant of the biological child he had 414 years ago but they turn out to possess, by some miracle, the exact same soul as the very child he didn’t get to raise.

Favorite flower is the dandelion. Because dandelions are free, wild and you can’t buy them. 

THEY TURNED OUT TO BE ONE OF THE BEST FENCERS OF THEIR SCHOOL TEAM, even though they claim they’re not much of a fighter. They quickly picked up on it (some ancient angelic fighting reflexes actually kicked in).

THEY HATES FIGHTING AND THE IDEA OF EVER HARMING SOMEONE. 

They can’t get drunk, at least not with alcohol from the earth plane. 

THEIR BLOOD CAN HEAL ALL CREATURES, including angels and demons, only when given freely. Otherwise it is like poison to both angels and demons that come in contact with it. It is the HEAVENLY FLAME’s own protection system against those who wish to take that power for themselves.

[alicewonderao3]

Diamonds and Flowers

Title: Diamonds and Flowers

Warnings: None

Pairing: Dean Winchesterxreader

Authors note: I had a whole theme and setting for this and then a cold just ripped its way through my house and halfway through writing this, I lost inspiration and re-wrote using two of the three items, a diamond bracelet and a bouquet of flowers. I'm still taking care of a sick kid, so it's not as well polished as I'd prefer, but here it is. All spelling and grammar mistakes are mine, but I wanted to keep posting for @the-slumberparty I am enjoying this so far.

Today was my birthday. One of my favorite days of the year, a day when Daddy spoiled me rotten with anything I asked for, although if you asked my mother, he did that every day anyway. I slipped on my favorite pink dress, the sleeves long enough to cover my arms, with soft white flowers on the skirt. I slipped on my favorite pair of off-white vintage heels and with a quick spray of my jasmine perfume, I headed downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast. 

I pushed through the swinging door and saw Daddy standing in the kitchen with mother. Neither noticed me at first, and it was clear that whatever conversation they were having wasn't a good one. Before I could alert either to my presence, Daddy's eyes met mine and he forced a smile. 

"Happy Birthday Princess!" He said, holding his arms out for a hug. I let him hug me and asked, "What's wrong?" Mother, who was sipping a cup of coffee near the sink, just said as she left the kitchen, "You tell her, George." 

I frowned, turning toward Daddy. He explained that he had several business meetings today and that he wouldn't be able to take me to lunch as he planned. Before I could frown, he said, "You're still going, but I won't be able to join you until later." I let it slide, happy in the knowledge that he would join me later, so I resolved to have fun. 

After breakfast, I spent most of the morning shopping. But I wasn't like most of the other girls I'd grown up playing with as a kid. Those girls were dripping in designer clothing and expensive jewelry, and that just wasn't my thing. I much preferred to shop at vintage stores and bookstores, surrounded by old books and quiet corners where I could sip coffee and immerse myself in another world. 

I was walking down an aisle in one of my frequented and favorite bookstores when a tall shadow fell over the book I was looking at. I glanced up and had to hold back the frown that threatened to spread over my face. Dean. Dean was my daddy's right-hand man, always there at his side for business meetings, and his main protector. His brother Sam was his attorney, serving him in court as needed. 

If Dean was here, Daddy wasn't coming. I sighed. "Daddy isn't coming, is he?" I asked, meeting his intense green-eyed gaze. Dean shook his head. "No, but he sent me to give you his apologies. He's just busy." I frowned, especially when Dean handed me a small velvet box. "From your dad." I held the box in my hands for a moment before opening it. 

Diamonds glittered in the light as I opened the box. The diamond bracelet was pretty and expensive, something I'd never buy for myself on my own. I closed the box with a snap and dropped it in my purse. I glanced back at Dean as I shelved the book and forced a smile. "Be sure to thank him for me." I felt tears forming, today just wasn't a good birthday. "I just want to go home." 

Dean didn't even try to convince me. He just nodded and was silent the entire ride back to my parent's house. Dean escorted me back home and was gone in seconds, back to see my father, no doubt. I skipped dinner and went to bed early, hoping that tomorrow would be a better day. The next morning, however, I walked down to breakfast to see a bouquet of beautiful flowers. Daisies and tightly closed roses, with a scattering of babies breath, met my gaze. There was a card next to the flowers. 

I frowned, picking up the flowers and breathing in the scent of the flowers. They were pretty and the daisies were my favorite flower. I picked up the card and opened it, skipping past the cover to the inside. There in a messy scrawl that could only belong to one person were the following words, "Happy birthday sweetheart. It's not much, but I hope you like them. I know daisies are your favorite. Dean." 

I felt a bit of warmth on my face as I stared down at the card. Dean always called me sweetheart, and it always did something to me. I wasn't ready to admit I might or might not have feelings for the handsome man who served my Dad so faithfully, but I picked up the flowers and hugged them to my chest for a moment. I softly whispered, "Thank you, Dean." 

I was startled by a deep voice, "You're welcome, sweetheart." I whirled around to see Dean standing in the doorway, a smirk on his lips. I felt very underdressed in my dress and bare feet, but I simply said, "I didn't see you there." Dean chuckled, "I can see that. I didn't mean to startle you, I'm sorry." 

I busied myself by putting the flowers in a vase and I asked him if he wanted any coffee. He shook his head, "No, I came to talk to you." I turned to face him, "Me? Are you sure?" He nodded, walking close to me as I turned and started arranging the flowers in the vase, nervous about having him so close. "Sweetheart," Dean said, his voice soft. I took a deep breath and felt his hands gently turn me toward him, a single rose in my fingers. "Look at me," He softly commanded, and I raised my face to meet his, my breath taken away by the soft look in his green eyes. 

His eyes were soft and kind as he said, "Let me take you to dinner." It wasn't a question, and normally I would bristle at such a command, but it was delivered so softly and so sincerely that I couldn't help but nod my head. "What time?" I asked, unable to tear my eyes away from his. Dean smiled and leaned in close, "I'll pick you up at seven."

Before he could do much else, his phone rang and his whole demeanor changed in an instant. "Winchester. Yes. Yes." He hung up the phone and turned to me, ready to say something, I wasn't sure what, when I set the rose in the vase and scooped the vase up in my hands. I leaned up on tiptoe and gently pressed my lips to his cheek softly. As I passed him, I said, "I'll be waiting for you at seven, Dean." 

I left him standing there in the kitchen, and heard his footsteps as I climbed the stairs to my room. He gave me a wry sort of grin and headed out the door. Maybe this date wouldn't be so bad after all. 

[infernalodie]

how about a maddy x male reader, where the reader is super tall, covered in tattoos and has a deep voice and he like keeps to himself and everyone at school is scared of him, and maddy gets interested about him, and ends up talking to him and he ends up being a huge sweetheart, (also if you feeling it, after they become friends or whatever how bout a part where nate is being an asshole to maddy and he defends her infront of the school leaving everyone shocked)

love your stories btw ❤

Oh, I very much love this and thank you, bb!!

𝐌𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐬 𝐅𝐋 (𝐩𝐭.𝟏)|| 𝐌𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐲 𝐏𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐳

"𝘚𝘢𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘧𝘶𝘯, 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘦 𝘕𝘰𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘢 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘭𝘦𝘮, 𝘍𝘓 𝘰𝘳 𝘐 𝘥𝘪𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘢 𝘚𝘢𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘴𝘶𝘯, 𝘸𝘦'𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘪𝘵 𝘓𝘢𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘢𝘨𝘢, 𝘭𝘢𝘺 𝘯𝘦𝘹𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘔𝘪𝘴𝘴 𝘍𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘥𝘢, 𝘐'𝘭𝘭 𝘳𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘢, 𝘥𝘪𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘢, 𝘰𝘩"

Pairing: Maddy Perez x Male!reader

Summary: There weren't many kids that didn't feel oddly out of place at East Highland. A kid always fits in somewhere with a certain group of people or their own clique. But you were far different from the rest of the kids. You stuck out like a sore thumb and Maddy couldn't help but become curious from the mystery surrounding you.

Warnings: Pure fluff and Maddy being adorably kind

Part Two - Part Three - Final Part

Words 3150

When Maddy came into school, she was prepared for just another day of school. What else could be so great about school? The conversations happening between her and her friends were the exact same. Any drama going on was talked in great detail. Maddy just wasn’t interested today, for whatever reason. She needed something new. After her and Nate’s break up and the backstab that Cassie had done, she was searching for something refreshing. Like a nice open beach that she had yet to visit.

“Do we have anything good going on today?” She asked, siphoning through her locker, grabbing the books needed for her first couple classes for the day. But when she found Kat and Lexi oddly silent, she pulled her head from her locker and followed their gaze. Breath being caught in her throat at the sight of, well, you.

“That’s why I am saying, we should be heading to Florida this summer,” Elliot told you. “We both have our license and we’ve been planning on doing this for years, man.”

“I wouldn’t mind.”

You and Elliot walked past the trio, unaware of their unwavering eyes. God, you were fucking hot. Telling by the looks on both Lexi and Kat’s faces, they felt the exact same way. You were tall, extremely tall that you had to slightly bend down to move through door ways. A cigarette hung between your lips with your short sleeve shirt hugging your built frame beautifully.

Maddy let her eyes pick apart the pieces of art inked into your flesh. A vine starting from your wrist curled around your left arm up to your shoulder. Other pieces surrounded said vine, but on your right forearm was knife drive through a skull. Even from the distance, she could see the impeccable detail. On the side of your neck sat a flower with blood dripping from one of the petals. Finally, a small noose could be seen behind your left ear. It was so small that most wouldn’t notice if they weren’t paying close enough attention. But you had Maddy’s attention. Every single damn ounce of it.

That had been the first time Maddy ever saw you. From there, she shared a few classes with you, but you rarely ever spoke. Residing at the back of the class, silently doing your work that the teacher gave you to catch up to the rest of the class. And when she was done with school, she would see you sitting on your motorcycle having a cigarette by yourself.

In the matter of only a few days, you had built up a reputation that most wouldn’t condone. It’d only happened when Nate seemed to freak out at Cassie for being clingy. One person said something and ended up with Nate having his face smashed into the tiled floor. 2 - 0. But since then, everyone stayed the hell away from you, besides Elliot as Maddy guessed you two had been friends way before you ever showed up.

No one knew a damn thing about you. There was no background of your life that could allow them to speculate and create rumor's. You were a jigsaw that people didn’t even dare to try and assemble. But Maddy was a person who liked to take leaps into the unknown. You were exactly that. The complete epitome of the unknown. As well as a breath of fresh air to the school that Maddy wanted to indulge in.

So, when she saw you in the hallway, she made her way towards you. She had a whole plan ready. She knew what she was going to say and what she was going to do. It was all thought out, it was now only a matter of doing it.

“Hi, the names Maddy Perez.” You turned your head slowly, looking down at the girl. If anyone was watching, which a few were, they would see the very noticeable height difference as you were a good 2 feet (almost 3) taller than her.

But your empty gaze did intimidate her if she was being honest. “Y/n.” If Maddy wasn’t so preoccupied with your beauty, she would’ve realized that your gravely and deep voice sent a shock through her system.

You were sculpted by the gods and Maddy wasn’t afraid of admitting it. Your voice was created by the deep baritones played just outside golden gates. But your body was marked by the most evil demons in the fiery pits of hell. Huh, maybe she should take up poetry. “You’re in my math class, right?”

The question undoubtedly threw Maddy off. You’d seen her? Oh, god. She was starting to sound like a teenage girl who was pinning over the popular guy in her class. But Highland was a small town, so she should’ve expected much.

“Uh, yeah,” she nodded. “We share a few classes together.”

“That’s sick.” For the very first time, Maddy saw you smile. A damn smile. Somehow, she had managed to have you smile. “So, what’s up? What do you need from me?”

“I was wondering if you’d like to come to a party my friend is hosting,” she offered. “I can show you what East Highland has to offer.”

You sighed softly, pursing your lips. “I’ll have to pass, Maddy,” you said. “But thanks though. Haven’t gotten many offers.”

“Well, you don’t really kinda give off the vibe of approachable.”

That made you grin again. God, she was on a fucking streak. So much so that you had leaned in with a hint of amusement in your eyes. “Well, I’ve hearing judging a book by its cover is pretty bad.”

The hushed tone did very little to repress the shivers that ran down her spine. It slithered its way into her head and she liked the way it sounded. Your voice was so damn soft despite how deep it was that Maddy had a hard time believing it was even possible.

You softly shut your locker with your text books cupped under your arm. “I’ll see you in class, Maddy.”

That first interaction had been an enlightening one for Maddy as she was the first person besides Elliot or teachers to talk to you. And the longer she watched from the sidelines, she realized how rare of an experienced it was because every other girl or guy that tried to do the same were simply ignored.

Somehow, you managed to contradict every goddamn stereotype placed on you in the 15 seconds of you two talking. Which only added more to the puzzle that Maddy desperately wished to be the first to solve.

Which came as a surprise when after cheerleading practice, she walked out to the parking lot to find you. Eyes attached to your phone as you pulled the cigarette from your lips. Softly exhaling the cloud into the open air.

“You stalking me now, Y/n?” The mention of your name and the familiar voice had you lifting you head.

When you found Maddy making her way over, you smiled kindly. “Just enjoying the weather,” you stated. “Did you know riding a motorcycle is good for one’s mental health?”

Hmm, so you were adorably smart? Cute. “Do you suffer from anything?” Maddy asked

You shook your head with a soft sigh. “Nah, its just nice to have a clearer head,” you explained. “It’s my personal therapy.”

Maddy bit back a smile as she looked at the motorcycle. “Well, I heard not talking to a therapist and dealing with your own problems could cause problems.”

Then, by some gift from god, you laughed. It’s low, yet graceful. Which made it hard for Maddy to contain the smile that formed on her lips. “I did hear that,” you chuckled. “But to each there own, right?”

She nodded, staring intently at you. How did you seem to defy every aspect people thought of you? Maybe it was because you wanted something from her. Sex? God, some part of Maddy hoped so, but she wasn’t interested as of late. She wanted to find the right guy before she even decided to go start having sex again.

“Do you need a ride?” Maddy blinked, swallowing the lump in her throat before shrugging.

“Sure.” You sat up, dropping the cigarette to the ground and squashing it with your foot. Handing her a helmet that was adorably huge on her head. “What?”

“You just look funny with my helmet on.”

“Do you not have an extra?”

You started up the motorcycle with Maddy settling in right behind you. Arms tightening around you in slight anxiety. “Your safety matters more than mine, Maddy,” you said before looking over your shoulder with a teasing smile. “I also would hate people saying things about you being around me.”

Before she could even respond, you were pulling from the parking spot and driving. Somewhere along the way, you had stopped at a diner and Maddy was more than keen for some food. She watched as you treated the waitress with so much kindness. Despite her quite flirtatious eyes and smiles, you never humored her and it shocked Maddy.

So many girls and guys had thrown themselves at you, but you never acted on natural desire. Like a lot of mysterious things about you, Maddy was intrigued.

“No one comes to East Highland because they just decide to,” Maddy says, dipping her fry into ketchup. “So, what brought you here?”

You wiped your fingers with a napkin, nodding along to her words as you clicked your tongue. “Uh, I actually moved in with my cousin, Elliot,” you explained. “My mom passed away and my dad started a second family, so I came here for a new start you could say.”

“Oh, I’m sorry for prodding.”

“Nah, it’s fine,” you shrugged. “Less people I have to worry about, the better.”

Maddy nodded, continuing to silently eat the food you bought her. This was one thing Nate never gave her. He always managed to get her a fancy meal at an expensive restaurant, but he never did something so casual. He was always getting her things, and as much as she liked all the expensive clothing and jewelry, he never was down to earth with her. They never talked about stuff that was real. She was only getting a brief insight into your life and she was finding more enjoyment in that then she ever did with Nate.

She grabbed a napkin and wiped her fingers before humming, pointing at you. You chuckled and leaned back in the leather seating. “All right, Mads, lay it on me,” you urged. “Ask me what you want to ask.”

She raised a brow in amusement. “Oh, we’re on a nickname basis now?”

“Ask me the question before I revoke it.”

“All right, all right,” she laughed, inhaling deeply before staring at you with squinted eyes. “Why haven’t you started dating anyone or had sex with anyone?”

You nearly choked on your food laughing. “Who said I haven’t had sex?”

“Trust me, Y/n,” she said. “I got my ways of finding out and people around here aren’t really good at keeping secrets.”

You raised a brow, corners of your lips tugging into an amused smile. “Are you keeping tabs on me, Maddy?”

“Answer the question, please.”

You sighed, crossing your arms on the table and leaning forward. Sniffling slightly as your lips parted, trying to find the right words. “I guess no one has ever liked me like that or wanted that?”

“Lies.” Her immediate response had you lifting both brows in surprise. “Lies because I know Cassie Howard asked you out, but you shot her down-”

“With kindness of course.”

“Y/n, you gotta talk to me to make our friendship work-”

“Oh, we’re friends now?”

“I swear, I’m gonna stab you with this fork.”

Maddy watched you sigh, left hand tapping against your right forearm. Seemingly deep in thought as he leaned back, hand waving dismissively. “Okay,” you sighed. “Love and sex? It’s a cool concept at the start for me. I love to hear about it, fun to read about it, write about it, and think about in my head. But...when it’s real...”

“It’s scary?”

You bit the inside of your lip, nodding softly. “Why is that scary?”

And Maddy watched your mood slightly drop as you licked your lips. Finger tapping against the table softly as you nodded to yourself. “Because the more people you let into your life,” you paused, “the more that can just walk right out.”

It had been that moment that the cloud that surrounded you and your past was cleared and Maddy got to see the true you. The saddest and most scared part of yourself that was put behind good looks and tattoos. Suppressed by the cigarette’s and nicotine that intoxicated your lungs.

What you had to say and offer was pushed back in fear. That was what Maddy had to gather, at least. Something about that made you more intriguing and she felt for you. She was scared of love just as much as you. After Nate, it made it hard for her to try and start dating again. Sex was just as scary as she had been accustomed to how Nate treated her during sex and after.

She licked her lips, slightly motioning to you. “That’s...like your parents, right?”

For the first time, Maddy saw through the forced smile you tried to portray. Taking a sip of your drink to push away the sorrowful thoughts of your parents. But the rest of the night carried on in a comfortable silence. One that Maddy wished to fill, but wanted you to feel comfortable. She didn’t want to come off as needy for information. She did feel some sort of connection with you on a deeper level. No one would fully understand and something about that made her happy.

As far as she knew, besides Elliot, she was the only one to know the truest part of yourself. She felt special, in a sense. But she didn’t try and let that cloud the fact that you had trusted her enough with this information. You could’ve given it to anyone else, but you chose her. That had to say something, right?

After that night, school was different. Whenever Maddy was in the hall, talking to Kat and Lexi, or even Rue or Jules, you would practically steal her away to head to class. She didn’t tell her friends, but it was because she was failing some of her classes and you decided to tutor her. But in those moments alone or before class, you two got to know more about one another.

People asked her what was the deal between you two, but there was nothing. Maddy didn’t know why though. If she was being honest, she’d expected you to make a move on her. But she always taken by surprise when you cared more about who she was hooking up with. Telling her, “If any of them say or do something you don’t like, you come to me.”

She could always count on you to protect her when she needed it. “Get the fuck out of here, Maddy,” Nate barked. “I don’t have time for this.”

“If you’re going to be a dick to Lexi, then I’m going to be a dick to you,” Maddy replied before pointing to the books he smacked out Lexi’s hand. “Pick them up.”

The boy scoffed. “I don’t have time for this.” When he suddenly tossed her out of the way, hitting the lockers, the hallway went deathly silent.

Nate looked around confused until he found you behind him. Eyes heavy with a glare, fires glaring bright in you y/e/c eyes. After your first and only fight, Nate had to say you were on intimidating motherfucker. Standing around 2 inches taller than him and far more leaner then anyone else in school. He wouldn’t admit it, but some part of himself was scared of you.

“You’re going to pick up the books and apologize to Lexi and Maddy, Nate.” Your voice shook the walls already, but the growl you gave off sent shivers down everyone’s spine.

“Y/n, it’s all right,” Lexi tried to reassure, ready to bend down and grab the books, but you stopped her.

“Lexi, Maddy, Kat, go to the bathroom real quick, will you?” You looked at the three girls. “Come out in a minute or 2, okay? Nate will like to talk to you after.”

“C’mon, Y/n,” Kat reasoned. “It’s not worth it. Just let it go.”

You didn’t acknowledge her words and your silence made the three girls quietly move towards the bathroom. But the instant they inside, they heard the loud pounding of a body hitting the lockers. The muffled grunts and yells filling their senses as they glanced at one another uneasily.

“Oh, fuck!” You slammed your fist into Nate’s bloody face before tossing him into a locker. He could respond as you pressed your forearm to his throat.

“Someone get the girls!” A random kid ran towards the bathroom, and soon the three girls walked out. Their eyes widened at the sight of Nate’s bloody features. “Say it or I’ll fucking choke you to death.”

“I’m sorry,” Nate slurred before you let him fall to the ground.

“Now, pick up Lexi’s books.” He did as he was told before you shoved him away with a few people smirking in amusement. No one ever stood up to Nate, but you seemed to defy that every single time. 3 - 0.

You then turned to Lexi, placing a hand on her shoulder. She was surprised to see your entire demeanor switch to worry. “Are you alright?” You mused. “Did he hurt you?”

She shook her head and your eyes flickered to Maddy who held her shoulder. “I’ll take you to the nurses office.”

Maddy didn’t protest as she felt the warm butterflies swarm her stomach. Especially when you sat in the room, asking the nurse questions on how you could help alleviate the pain. Practically taking mental notes on everything you would need to help her.

And when you two were alone, you scanned the bruise carefully. Maddy watched you every single moment. Then when she least expected it, you laughed. She raised a brow, your laugh infectious and enabling her to smile as well. “What?”

“Did I ever tell you I grew up in, Florida?” She shook her head as you smiled softly, pulling away from her. “You remind me of it.”

That made her frown, laughing in slight confusion. “How?”

You shrugged. “Your skin is like a warm day on the beach,” you started. “Your words are tasteful like a dish from Lamoraga. Your playful attitude is like Municipal Beach.” Then you laughed softly, looking at her with a grin as her face was flushed. “Misses FL.”

[writemekpop]

Hard Enough | Kim Junmyeon (Suho)

5K Follower Series Ep. 25

Summary: Suho can’t hide his desire for you when he watches you get changed in front of him...

Genre: Friends to lovers, suggestive 

Word Count: 1.4k 

Prompt: “Judging by your… reaction, I’m guessing I look good?” & “Can I stay here tonight?”

As Suho opened his front door, you pushed him against the wall. 

“Wanna fuck?” you whispered. 

Suho’s heart was throbbing. Was this a dream? This had to be a dream. You were his best friend - his bad-ass, genius, way-too-hot-for-him best friend. 

Well, you saw Suho as your best friend. Suho, meanwhile, spent every night imagining your body on top of his. Imagining this moment. 

Suho was in love with you. And you had no idea. 

“Y-yes,” he cried out. 

You froze. A look of confusion crossed your face. Then, you threw your head back and laughed. You ruffled his fringe. “Just kidding! The look on your face is priceless. God, you are easy to mess with.”

Suho nodded, cursing himself in his mind. 

“Yep.” His voice was dry. “You got me.” 

You barrelled up the stairs and into his bedroom, trailing popcorn crumbs and destruction. You had a massive pile of dresses in your hands.  

As soon as you reached Suho’s bedroom, you ran into his ensuite bathroom. 

“Okay, I’ll start trying them on!” you called. “Thanks so much for helping me.” 

Oh yeah. You were going on a first date with some jerk called Chanyeol today. And Suho, like the idiot he was, had agreed to help you pick an outfit. Did he enjoy getting his heart trampled on? He had no idea why he did this.  

Suddenly, you leaned out in just a bra, your brown skin glowing deliciously in the light. You kissed him on the cheek. “You’re a lifesaver.”  

The world wobbled a little as Suho drowned in happiness. Oh yeah. That was why he did this.  

His cheeks burning painfully, Suho took a seat. With each dress – a black silk with a slit thigh, a puffy white one made of tulle – Suho tried to give a considered opinion. 

You see, you and Suho were both journalists at the same women’s magazine. When he first met you four years ago, his career as a writer was struggling. He had no inspiration. There were only so many “21 cute throw blankets for your apartment” that he could write. 

And then he met you. The girl who teased him mercilessly for being a man working at a women’s magazine, (you called him the “Lady Whisperer”) wrote so much better than him, and made him smile for hours every time you sent him a stupid sloth gif. 

That was when he started the series, “How to Get Over A Crush (Hint: You Can’t)” and quickly became one of the magazine’s most popular writers. Suho told you the series was all made-up. Not once did you suspect that it was about you. That hurt Suho a little. Was it that hard to imagine you dating him?     

“Okay, picky… what about this one?”  

You came out, grinning breathlessly, in a dress covered in red lace flowers. Well, it could barely be called a dress – it cheekily revealed so much of your bronze skin. The neckline rippled down your chest, and Suho’s eyes felt glued to it. 

 For a moment, Suho was so overcome he couldn’t speak. His whole body pulsed and shivered with excitement. 

“Well, silly? Can you speak or what?” 

You jumped onto the bed next to him, and squished your fingers to his lips, pretending to open and close them. “Speak, speak, speak,” you chanted. 

As soon as you touched him, Suho felt a jolt of excitement. Then a very familiar and very, very disturbing sensation in his pants. He had an intense erection. 

Inhaling sharply, he leaned forward with his elbows on his thighs, as if thinking very hard. 

You frowned at him. “What’s wrong? You’re acting funny.”

He cleared his throat. “N-nothing, just… more comfortable this way.” 

You stood up, spinning slowly in front of the mirror. “Well? What about the dress?” you murmured.

Oh god. Seeing your whole body – including your very sculpted ass - was not helpful. 

In the mirror, you noticed some little buttons at the back of the neck. “Oh, would you mind doing these up for me?”  

Suho shook his head. “I’m think… you can manage.”  

You spun to face him. “Oh my god, you’re being so weird right now. Just help me.”  

Suho’s face was blushing up a storm. “Yeah, about that… I don’t feel like getting up right now.” 

You pouted for a second. Then, suddenly, you pushed a fist in front of your lips. A tiny chuckle burst from your throat.

“Judging by your… reaction, I’m guessing I look good?” you said. 

Suho screwed his eyes shut, wishing he could die right now. “Is it that obvious?” 

A sweet, soft smile came to your lips. Suho was surprised. It was like you were letting your guard down for just a moment. “I’m flattered. I didn’t know I was that attractive.” 

Suho smiled. “You are. Dangerously attractive. A guy should have to sign a form before dating you.” 

“Like a gun license?” you asked. 

“Exactly. A Y/n license.”

You stood up. “Well, I think fate is telling me to wear this one.” 

You started to pick up the dresses from the bed. 

Suho felt crushing disappointment. In a few minutes, you’d be out the door, flirting with that Chanyeol idiot. And he would lose you. Maybe for good this time.   

Suho did something very uncharacteristic for him. He took a chance.  

“Don’t go,” he called out, his voice thick. 

You turned to him. “What?” 

“Don’t go on the date,” he said, meeting your eye. He could barely believe what he was doing. Suho? Confident? This was crazy. “Can you stay here tonight?” 

 “Why?” 

“Because… I don’t want you to date that Chanyeol guy. I want you to date me.” Suho took a deep breath. “I really like you. I’ve liked you ever since you walked into that office and called my tie ugly. And I’ve been too afraid to say anything till now, but, if that goddamn Chanyeol guy turns out to be the love of your life I’ll never be able to forgive myself.” 

You sat down on the bed again. Your eyebrows pulled together, like you were doing a difficult calculation. 

Suho groaned. “What? Stop looking like that! Just say something!” 

You bit your lip. “No, it’s just… your crush. The one you write about in the “How to get over your crush” series… it’s not…”

Suho nodded. “It’s you. It always has been.”  

You shook your head in disbelief. “The girl you write secret poems about? The girl who makes your throat dry every time she comes near? The one you call the boy-whisperer…” You realised the connection. “Oh my god…” 

You fell into stunned silence. Then, quietly, you said, “I read that in bed every Sunday morning, and every time, I wish I could find a guy who loved me that much.”  

You shuffled closer to Suho. “You goddamn idiot!” you cried. 

Suho’s heart fell. This was it. The rejection he had always known was coming. 

“Why the hell did you not tell me till now?” You were grinning, red spots of blush blazing high in your cheeks. 

Suho’s stuttered. “W-what? You mean… you’re not mad?” 

You laughed. “Mad? Suho, I had a crush on you from the start! That’s why I teased you. I just- I felt so many things and I’m not used to… feeling things.” You looked down. “I kept looking for signals that you liked me back, but after a while, I gave up. I thought you just wanted to be friends.” 

Suho shook his head. “Well you could not be more wro-“ 

You interrupted him - by pressing your lips fiercely to his. The kiss- the kiss was like being born again. Your lips were just as soft as he’d imagined. He was so absorbed in the feeling of your mouth on his that he totally forgot about his embarrassing hard-on. 

When you pulled away, you grinned at his lap. “Sorry. That probably isn’t helping… that situation.” 

Suho shrugged and pretended to look thoughtful. “Well, you know, I’m starting to think it won’t go away on its own…” 

You smirked, running your hand over his chest. “Fuck Chanyeol. I’m staying here. Coz I know just how to help you with that.” 

​—

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[takecareluv]

hii there 🫶

could i write in a request where vinnie and reader go to disney land for the day with their friend group and watch fireworks at night 🥹

a.n. hi luv !! this is such an adorable concept 🥹 thank you for sending it in <3 i hope you like what i came up with! also i've only been to disney world in florida so if they don’t have some of the things i described at the one in cali i apologize, i’m just going off my personal experience! :)

disney day || vinnie hacker x reader

you’ve always had a special place in your heart for disney. you adored visiting as a child, and even now as an adult, you loved it just as much.

you felt like disney was this magical place where you could forget all about your worries and live like a kid for a day. it brought out the inner child in ever person, no matter the age. and everyone needed that little bit of magic in their lives.

living in l.a was a blessing because you were only a short drive from the most magical place on earth. every once and a while your friend group would take a day trip when you all felt like you could use the pick me up. and today was one of those days.

you, vinnie, and a few other friends were all lined up, magic bands around your wrists, waiting for the tram car to get you and take you to the entrance of the enchanting theme park. 

once everybody was in and passed security, you strolled down main street, hands intertwined with vinnie’s, taking in the sight of sleeping beauty’s castle at the other end. you were completely in awe of everything around you. disney never failed to amaze you each and every time you visited. 

“what do you wanna do first, princess?” you heard vinnie ask as you snapped out of the bubble you’d been in since you entered the park. 

“we have to go get ears!” you answered, full of excitement, pulling vinnie to the closest store. 

you walked straight towards the wall of ears.

there were so many to choose from, how were you going to decide. you looked around for a few minutes until you spotted the most adorable pair on the top shelf, of course out of your reach. “vin, can you grab those for me?” you pointed up towards the blue gingham printed ears decorated with flowers and minnie’s signature bow made of eyelet lace. 

he smiled, secretly loving that you needed his help because of how short you were, and easily pulled the headband down, placing it right on your head. “perfect,” he grinned.

you stepped over to the tiny mirror a few feet away to see how they looked on. “they’re so cute!” you squealed. “which ones are you getting?”

vinnie held out the headband with baby yoda’s ears attached, allowing you to put it on for him. “oh my god, you look so cute. i have to take a picture.” you swiftly pulled out your phone, opening the camera app and taking a couple photos while vinnie stood there smiling like a little kid whose mom won’t stop taking pictures of them on the first day of school. 

after the impromptu photo shoot, you walked over to the register, vinnie paying for both of your ears before asking what you wanted to do next. 

“rides?” you simply questioned. 

“whatever you want, baby.” 

--

for the next couple hours, you and vinnie went from ride to ride, some more than once, having the time of your lives. 

you even stopped to force vinnie to take photos with characters as they passed by, loving how awkward he would get. of course still handsome as ever. 

he eventually started making you do the same thing as pay back, having you pose next to mickey, goofy, or whatever character he saw close by. 

his personal favorite was your photo with tigger, who caught you off guard when he went in for a kiss on the cheek. the picture perfectly captured your wide eyes and surprised face. the next one, however, you were ready for and showed that big, beautiful smile he adored so much. 

you continued to meander around the park, occasionally stopping for treats as you heard your stomach grumble.

one of your favorite things to do at disney was eat your way through the park, and today you planned to do no different. 

from their famous churros to jack jack’s chocolate chip cookie, and all the other themed snacks and drinks they served, you were all over the food scene. i’m your mind, calories didn’t count at disneyland. 

--

the day started to wind down as the sun set and it was now time to watch the fireworks. 

you met up with the rest of your friends and found a spot in front of the castle with the perfect view of the show. 

you stood with vinnie right behind you, arms wrapped around your waist and his chin resting on the top of your head. 

you were completely mesmerized by the explosion of colors displayed across the night sky above the park. disney always knew how to put on a spectacular fireworks show.  

you felt vinnie press a few kisses to the top of your head every once and a while, watching you and your reactions more than the actual show. he was utterly entranced by you. every time your eyes would light up or your smile grew bigger, he found himself doing the same thing. 

if vinnie was honest, he didn’t care about the fireworks, the ears, or any of the rides, all he cared about was you. if you were happy and having a good time, than he was happy too. 

once the fireworks were finished, you turned to look up at vinnie with the biggest smile across your face. “this was the best day ever!” you pressed your soft lips against his, creating fireworks of your own.

“i’m glad you had fun, princess.” he hummed before deepening the kiss.

[itjazzbicch]

Sweet Dreams

Pairing: Manjiro “Mikey” Sano x Fem Reader

Summary: After the big fight between Toman and Valhalla, the reader knows her close friend Mikey is dealing with certain emotions, trying to take his mind off of things with friendly lunch, and the nap that always comes right after…

Warnings: N/A

Word Count: 1.3k

I DO NOT OWN THIS GIF:

Toman facing Valhalla was our toughest fight yet. We lost Baji, Mikey almost lost it, and I felt so useless!

They guys refused to let me fight, they didn’t even want me there, but I still came to see and thinking about it, I sometimes wished that I didn’t see any of it.

Mikey was who I was worried about most. Facing Kazutora and reliving the pain of losing his elder brother, losing one of his friend who was like a brother. He was the silent type when it came to deep emotion.

I knew he was hurting inside and I wanted to take some of that pain away.

Just as I thought, I found Mikey at Baji’s grave, kneeled in front of the tombstone, fresh flowers in front of him.

Quietly, I kneeled down next to him, earning his attention:

“Oh, hi Y/N.”

“Hey, Mikey,” it was hard to smile during these times, but I put one on for him, looking up to the tombstone and feeling a deep sadness myself, but trying to keep things positive, “We’ll get to see him again one day, and I’m sure we’ll have a blast together.”

“I’m looking forward to that day,” He murmured, staring down at the ground, his hands on his knees, clearly getting a bit lost in his emotions.

Carefully, I placed my hand on top of his, his eyes peeking through the strands of his hair to meet mine, cooing to him:

“It’s all gonna be alright, and let’s live our best lives so we can make him proud, hm? I know he’d want that.”

“I think so too,” Squeezing my hand, I noticed that he’d been thinking about everything before I came, accepting this and letting it go.

That was a good thing and I hoped that I helped with that in some kind of way, a small smile on my face as he rubbed my hand before standing up, stretching as he thought aloud:

“My tummy’s grumbling. I could use some good food right about now.”

“Want to come to my place and I can make us lunch?” I offered, rising to my feet.

Curiosity flashed on his face, gasping slightly, “You cook?”

“Mhm!” I nodded, convincing him more, “Whatever you want to eat, I’m positive that I can make it. Made with tender love and care too.”

“Well, what are we waiting for then?”

Giggles flew with me as he took my hand, having to run to catch up with him. He sure must’ve been hungry, holding my hand and taking me right home.

“You craving anything in particular?” I went right into the kitchen the second I stepped in the door, grabbing my apron and heading to the fridge as Mikey sat at the table, hand on his chin as he debated:

“Hmm, let me think.”

Opening the fridge, I looked to see what I had at home that I could make easy and quick, seeing some salmon that was left and recommending:

“How does some miso-glazed salmon bento sound?”

“I like the sound of that!” Mikey was so adorable, rocking back in the chair and kicking his feet.

Grabbing all the veggies, rice, and salmon. I washed my hands, fired up the stove and got right to work.

Cooking was a great pass time and hobby that I picked up, already earning Mikey’s praise as I was finishing up and plating our food.

“Man, my stomach growls more and more as I smell it!”

“Just one more second, Mikey!”

Bringing over the food, I also grabbed us some drinks, presenting his food along with chopsticks:

“Oh yeah, one more thing.”

Tilting his head, his curious face turned into a happy, smiling one when he saw that I had a little flag like they put on his favorite kids meal, smiling to him as I acknowledged:

“I know you don’t like your meal without the flag.”

“Aren’t you just a sweetie pie, today?” He smirked, taking his chopstixks, making me flustered and look away laughing:

“Aww, just trying to be a good friend is all! Tell me how you like it!”

Getting my chopsticks and sitting to eat mine, I watched as he took the first bite, taking in every detail and swallowing it down, a smile on his face and his eyes lighting up at me:

“It’s delicious, Y/N! Why didn’t you tell me that you cooked any sooner?!”

“Sorry,” I laughed, taking a bite of mine and I have to say, it was pretty good! “But just think! From now on, if you want a good, home cooked meal? I’ll be your personal chef!”

“I’ll gladly take that offer,” Food always made him happy and this was so adorable to see.

He was really chowing down and it was so nice to see him in a better head space, not missing even a grain of rice and clearing his plate.

After we were done, I gathered the dishes and placed them in the dish washer, noticing how Mikey was yawning and stretching in his chair.

“If you’re sleepy, the couch is open,” Starting the dishes cycle, I went over to the couch and fluffed the pillows, grabbing a throw blanket and before I could even finish that up, he was snoring, didn’t even make it away from the table!

“Oh, Mikey,” My head shook playfully, going over and picking him up as best I could:

“Oh,” He yawned, stepping down and swaying, “I always fall asleep after a good meal.”

“I know Mikey, trust me, I know,” I chuckled, guiding him to the couch, sitting him and grabbing the blanket, “But you could use a good nap.”

“Mhm,” He already had his eyes closed, humming softly and taking me by surprise when he pulled me along with him, guiding me to lay on the couch first.

“Mikey?” I felt as hot as the sun from being so nervous and flustered. Did Draken cuddle him or something when he took naps and he needed a replacement?!

“Take a nap with me. I’m sure your tummy’s full too,” Fixing the blanket over us, he did make a point, lunch was filling, I was just so nervous!

I never cuddled with a guy before and it being Mikey?!

It was a lot to process, but as his head rested on my stomach, arms hugging me softly, he was cozy and warm, and everything about it felt so right.

“Yeah, I’m full too,” I told myself to relax, what would a little cuddle hurt? This was a new kind of comfort and a place in my heart wanted it.

He was already falling asleep again and to help, I massaged his scalp, running my hand through his blonde locks.

With a sleepy smile, he adjusted himself, nudging his head up higher towards me and I thought that I was literally going to melt into a puddle as he nuzzled his head against my breasts, humming:

“Ah, so soft.”

Thank goodness his eyes were closed because I knew probably looked crazy from the shock, sweating even! Especially when he giggled, nudging his head into them more.

“Sweet dreams-“ His voice drifted off and this time, he was dead asleep.

There was no dodging the nervousness and the wild feeling I just went through, but I knew everything that Mikey was going through.

Mikey needed this and he always had a special place in my heart, something very special that I just haven’t admitted to yet.

Seeing him so comfortable, sound asleep and so peaceful, it gave me pure happiness.

Brushing some hair away from his face, I picked my head up, loving the fuzzy feeling I got inside when his head nuzzled back naturally, kissing his temple softly:

“Sweet dreams, Mikey.”