#but to be fair to me i started writing this before the clusterfuck of todays events happened lmao

[rigginsstreet]

FPs dad finding fp’s favourite picture of him and fred in his stuff and ripping it into a million pieces

listen, ras can take my “fp got kicked out of his house because his dad eventually found a picture of him and fred and it was the last straw” headcanon out of my cold dead hands

fps dad somehow finds out that fps still hanging around fred so it prompts him to go through all of fps shit again. and this time he actually finds something incriminating. fp usually was so careful about not keeping evidence in the house but he couldnt help it this time. he and fred had gone to the mall and fucked around in the photobooth like they always did. and this time there was a shot of fp making some goofy face at the camera while fred looked at him so adoringly. and right underneath that was the shot of fred smiling while he kissed fps cheek. and fp had never seen his face look so relaxed. he knew it was risky but he couldnt bear to part with the photos. 

so he kept it tucked away deep in his closet (fp often wondered to himself if that constituted as irony), buried at the bottom of a shoebox. he was almost sure his dad would never find it. and that was his other mistake. fp had been doing well keeping his dad off his case as far as the whole liking boys situation was concerned, but of course something had to happen to disrupt the peace. because nothing good ever lasted long in fps life.

when his dad inevitably finds the photo fp thinks he’s about to get the ass kicking off his life, and admittedly his dad does slap him around while going on about how he thought he made himself clear the first time about staying away from fred. but then he’s hauling fp up by the back of his shirt and actually, physically throws him out. fp lands with a thud on the grass, disoriented from the fact that this is actually happening… his father is standing there above him yelling about how fps not allowed back in the trailer and “i wont have some fairy living under my roof, boy!”

fps curled up in the grass, practically in the fetal position as he’s trying to process the fact that he no longer has a home. “where’m i s’posed to go?” he’s crying freely now but he doesnt care. he literally has nothing left to lose. or so he thought.

fp sr still has the picture clutched in his hand. something fp hadnt noticed until he looks up when his father starts speaking again. “maybe you can ask the andrews to take you in.” his tone is mocking as he steps closer. “but you’ll find a way to fuck that up, too. you’ll be out with the trash as soon as they find out what you do to their boy.”

and then he’s holding the picture out, like he’s daring fp to reach for it but fp knows better. its like the world is moving in slow motion when his dad starts to tear it in two, and all fp can choke out is a “no… please…..” but its too late. his dad just keeps ripping and tearing until theres nothing left, and tiny pieces of fp’s most prized possession go scattering in the wind. 

fp finds himself sitting outside of fred’s house that night. he cant bring himself to go in because despite his best efforts, his father’s words are still echoing in his ear. he has every intention of just sleeping out on the curb, or maybe he can sneak into the school for the night. he doesnt really have a lot of options. but then he hears the front door open, and he hears the footsteps approaching him. knows it’s fred without even seeing him.

“fp, what’re you doing out here? why didn’t you-”

“my dad kicked me out,” he cuts fred off. he hadn’t meant to reveal that, didn’t want fred to go into savior mode like he always did when it came to fp. so fp sniffed and rubbed at his eye, trying to keep himself calm while he lied through his teeth. “it’s just for tonight. ya know, the usual. just figured you were sleeping and i didn’t want to wake you.”

fred takes a seat beside fp and nudges him. says “you know you dont have to worry about that.” fp gives him a soft smile, but fred can see the pain behind it. he knows he’s not getting the full story. “something else happened, didn’t it?”

fp won’t give fred the full story, but he can at least give a half truth. it’s better than lying. “you remember those pictures we took at the mall two weeks ago?” fred nods. “my dad… he, uh, he found them…” fp hears fred take a sharp inhale, knows freds already thinking he got the crap beat out of him. “im fine!” he adds quickly. “he slapped me around a bit but… my room got most of the brunt. he tore everything to fucking pieces. tore the picture…” fp cant stop the tears falling. he feels fred wraps his arms around, holds him tight while he rests his cheek on fps shoulder. 

“it’s just a picture, right? what matters is that you’re ok.”

“it was my favorite picture,” fp whispers, hanging his head as he thinks of the nights those two photos had gotten him through. he thinks about how he had that loving look on freds face frozen forever in that single frame and wonders if he’ll ever get it back.

it’s as if fred reads his mind, because the next thing fp knows fred’s placing a kiss to his temple, letting his lips rest against fp’s skin as he tells him “we’ll take new ones. we have a whole life of pictures ahead of us.” 

fp melts against fred at the thought of that. with his eyes closed and a genuine smile tugging the corners of his mouth, he simply says “yeah, i like the sound of that.”

[modernagesomniari]

Fic - ‘Shite’

Ok, so we decided to experiment with writing voices today.  As in, we decided not to write anything but voices.  To be fair this fight was a clusterfuck and even more hilarious because I realised that I hadn’t taken Sera and Bull out before and, just because these guys signed up to the Inquisition, doesn’t mean they’re all necessarily ready for what that actually practically means.  In short - this was inspired by taking Sera and Bull to their first Rift in the Hinterlands - this one here:

I hope it’s not too confusing!  It was REALLY fun to write though, a really good exercise for training purposes.  It also fits into the Mala Suledin Nadas series.  You can read it on AO3 here.

For reference the party is: Sera, Eli Lavellan, Solas and Bull and we start with Sera and Eli (for even more reference, Eli has the British voice option) :)

And yes I did the Solas thing, I really hope there are some literacy nerds out there.

PG-13 (some fruity language here, folks)

~ 680 words

**********************

“Shite shite shite shite!”

“Hang on, Sera - move.”

“Ah, shit!  Well don’t bloody do that, now it’ll just come back when I least expect it and bite me on the arse!  Only this time, it’ll be on fire!”

“Not if we see it first, keep an eye on it.”

“‘Keep a bloody eye on it’, sure Miss. Firey-pants that sounds like a great idea, not like I’d do anything else, would I?  Where the hell is Bull?”

“He’s round the corner of the wall, we must not fail to reach him, Inquisitor.”

“Too many fucking demons, Boss!”

“…if I might suggest we reach him quickly.”

“Right, Solas with me, we’ll push forward through the arch.  Sera, get up top and start raining down on whatever’s pinned Bull.”

“Up?  As in up the wall?  Out of this shite?  ‘Yes’ to that plan.”

“Solas? We have to kill this shade…”

“…and then we’ll run.  Yes.”

“Where the hell are you, Elfy - Bull’s pinned!”

“Bull’s fine, Boss!  Bull’s….Bull’s not fine, Bull’s not fine at all over here!”

“Dread Wolf’s dirty paddy-paws, just how many shades are on him?”

“I cannot think that even Bull can take on all of them himself.”

“Get the wraiths, Sera!  Right Rift-mage, hang on.”

“Inquisitor?”

“I’ll burn them, you freeze them.”

“As you wish.”

“Oof, nicely done with the ice.”

“I’m glad you…”

“…did Bull just vault off a demon, is he really going to…”

“Whoooo!  Yeah stupid piss-pants Terror pieces of shite all over the grass, yes!”

“Haha!  Fucking demons, fucking ice, who’s dead now, huh?  Who’s dead now!?”

“Bull, behind you!”

“Oh fuck! Oh fuck oh fuck how’d it get Bull, how the shit did it get Bull he’s as tall as a bloody house!?”

“Solas?”

“Yes.”

“Bull, Bull!  Don’t worry, I’m picking off the greeny-glowy things - they won’t get you, they won’t…what’s happening, what the fuck is happening!?”

“Keep shooting Sera, he’s fine!”

“He’s got fucking wings!”

“It’s Solas!”

“Why is Solas giving him fucking wings!?”

“If you would be so kind as to prevent that shade from striking him, Sera.”

“That, what?  Oh shit!”

“Bull, are you alright!?”

“Am I ever!  What the hell was in that you just gave me, Solas!?”

“A spirit.”

“…a what?”

“A what!?  You put a spirit in him!?  What the fuck, what the fuck…

“Ow!  Sera!  You just fucking shot me!”

“Well you’re all possessed and stuff now right?”

“Sera, he’s not…”

“Fenhedis la…save me from the ignorance of…”

“Not helping, Solas.  Sera!  Bull isn’t an abomination, the spirit’s gone!”

“Fucking promise!?”

“If it wasn’t it would be kicking your ass to Seheron for shooting it, Elf.  Maybe shoot the damn thing that’s currently trying to crawl into my britches instead.”

“Had to make sure, didn’t I!?  Sorry by the way.”

“Buy me a drink later.  Hah!  That was the last!  That was the last right?”

“There’ll be another wave soon, stick together and prepare.”

“What do you mean another pissing wave?  Haven’t we done it already?”

“How many times do we have to do this, Boss?”

“…you didn’t say nothing about bloody waves…”

“…because the more of these waves there are the more drinks I’m gonna need…”

“…demons demons shite shite shite…”

“……”

“Be gentle, Solas.  It’s their first Rift.”

“…..”

[cosmicbash]

@friendshipfisting requested some grumpy Em at the beach while chatting and I got a little bit carried away writing dorky fluff so-

You lucky heathens are getting a huge prompt drop. Hope you enjoy~

(This is long enough I could post it to ao3 if someone wants to come up with a title ahah)

--

Marshall hated beaches. He always had, they were just always so overcrowded whenever he tried going. And huge clusters of people did nothing but stress him out, even before he got famous and all those claustrophobic fears of a crowd closing in on him suddenly became a reality.

When he was younger and getting absolutely trashed everyday it was easier to deal with. The combination of pills and booze kept him mellow enough that he could even throw himself into a crowd at his own concerts. Helped build up somewhat of a tolerance for whenever he got up on stage.

Outside of performing however? They were still an absolute nightmare that made his stomach twist up into knots. A brief pass through, and maybe a few stops to meet and greet fans he could handle. But actively plopping himself into the hot sandy clusterfuck known as a public beach? That was the furthest thing from fun or relaxing that he could think of. 

Luckily living in the middle of Detroit meant he was mostly free of dealing with said landscape.

So why in the hell was he struggling to get comfortable on some stiff itchy wooden beach chair, with the ocean loudly looming not very far away?

"The wave's are freaking perfect today-" Colson was beaming a smile at him, almost as blinding as the sun resting behind his pretty wet head. The lighting ironically formed a halo around the self proclaimed rap devil. It made Marshall want to snort. "You should seriously come in."

"I'm perfectly fine right here." Under the safety of his umbrella, above the hazardous hot sand. And most importantly far away from the heavy crashing waves. 

Swimming wasn't his best skill either, afterall there was not much need to swim when you avoided the beach. Sure he could wade in a pool and float on his back if needed, but moving, rushing water was a completely different ballgame.

"You're such a drag," Colson's eyes rolled, long legs kicking up sand while he crossed the distance between them. He was still dripping water all over the place, stray droplets splashing onto Marshall's legs when he loomed ever closer to the chair.

Reflexively the older man tucked his notebook away in the nearby bag, knees pulling up so he could resituate himself. Legs crossing indian style to give the brat a place to sit. 

Marshall couldn't care less about being a "drag", he'd been very vocal about his displeasure with the whole idea of wasting a day at the beach. For once he'd taken over the role of bitchy pushover. Spending most of the night before and morning of their trip muttering under his breath, listing all the reasons why it was such a stupid idea. But still going through with the process of booking and reserving a secluded spot for them on some remote beach.

The only reason he'd put up with it at all was for the younger rapper's sake, something which he hoped Colson could actually learn to appreciate. It wasn't common for him to concede like this, but it was only fair. "You enjoying choking on salt water and burning your skin?"

The tall blonde dropped down with a hard plop, legs bouncing to disturb more sand while the beach chair creaked. The bitter question didn't seem to phase his good mood one bit. "Yupp! Loving it. I've missed the beach, I was starting to look like a ghost."

More water splattered against Marshall's ankles, had his skin twitching. "One more big wave like earlier and you might be one-" The brunette was thankful he had shades on, just recalling the moment only a half hour prior when a huge wave had suddenly crashed down and disappeared his partner made his face curl up. It had been a genuinely terrifying minute of watching and waiting for Colson's soaked head to reappear above the water. One that nearly had him leaving his tiny sanctuary to pound down the length of sand separating him from the water. 

Thankfully the younger rapper had resurfaced, farther out then when he'd been hit. Laughter visible even from his distance with the hard shake of the boys shoulders and wide smile. 

"What? That was nothing, you should've seen how big some of the waves over in the Bahama's could get. Now those, those could totally sweep you out to sea."

Clicking his tongue Marshall gave a swift nod, fingers prying open their small cooler to dig out a cold bottle of water. "I'll take your word for it." The last thing he needed was for the kid to get a Bahama's vacation plan into his head. 

Colson sighed dramatically, upper body dropping down to drape over the older man's lap. Inciting a string of curses and half hearted shoves from how the action left water soaking through his shorts. "A little bit of sun and water isn't gonna kill you old man, you look ridiculous all bundled up here in your shirt and hat. Like some horrible undercover pap who's hiding a camera in his beach bag."

The observation was accompanied by a soft laugh and long fingers tugging at the collar of his shirt, trailing up along his jaw to flick his hat.

Marshall's teeth set in a line. "What, you want me stripped down streaking across the beach? Tattoos and dick free for an actual reporter to see?"

The chance of some paparazzo being nearby was slim to none, they both knew that. Marshall had gone out of his way to rent the accompanying two beaches on either side despite the small cliffs between them. There was noone other than their own mix of security teams for miles. The only chance someone was getting a shot of either of them was with a drone.

In theory Marshall could strip down and dance about the beach all he wanted, grab Colson by his skinny waist and fuck him down into the sand until he was choking on a seashell. He was fully confident in his team.

That didn't mean any of that sounded remotely tempting however.

"Maybe not running across the beach," Colson snickered body twisting until he was lying with the back of his head against the older man's crotch. Arms curled up over his head so he could lightly grip onto his sides and stretch the rest of his body out. "A slow sensual walk towards the water sounds a lot better. Would give me something really great to look at."

The harsh tug on wet blonde locks barely elicited a reaction. "If your hoping for a full moon tonight you're gonna be disappointed. News called for clouds-" It was easier to deflect from the brats flirting then reward him with a proper response.

"With how your pants sag I'm guaranteed at least a half moon before sundown." This time Marshall was the one sighing, head shaking while he rubbed his temples. Colson of course looked beyond pleased with his joke, damp hands rubbing up over the front of his shirt to lightly massage his shoulders. "Unless your planning on dressing correctly for once while we walk the shoreline."

"Who said anything about walking along the shoreline? When did I agree to that?"

"What, we're gonna have a beach date and not enjoy the sunset together? It's no wonder you've been divorced twice." The light teasing had Marshall snorting despite himself. Palm pushing his sunglasses up off his face and much to his partner's delight knocking away his sunhat.

"Actually I let Kim's other boyfriends worry about the mushy shit like that, last time I went to a beach with her she left me passed out along the shoreline while the tide was rising." The memory had him chuckling quietly to himself while his gaze trailed along with white shoreline. "Fucking bitch almost let me drown all because I snorted her share of coke."

"Jesus-" Colson's lips burst apart in a laugh. Palms leaving the older rapper's shoulders to cup his neck instead. "Hope she at least cleaned your pockets out before she left-"

The suggestion had Marshall's gaze dropping back down, lips quirking up into a smirk while his fingers raked through Colson's knotted hair. "You'd think so right? Damn bitch swiped my wallet and forgot the motel's key card. Came back to wake my half submerged ass up and bitch how hard of a time I was giving her- like- fuck me for not reminding her it was in my back pocket while I was drowning!"

The outburst had them both laughing finally, Colson's boisterous and expressive was Marshall's was quieter and reserved to a soft shake of his shoulders. A few years ago the same story might've dragged up residual hurt feelings. Colson's soft fingers tickling his throat and heavy body helped keep them away.

"I'll keep that in mind in case I wanna drown your ass sometime soon."

"Probably already have it planned out, why your so eager to get me walking along the shore."

This time when Colson snorted it was followed up with a firm pull. "Fuck, ya caught me-" Large hands curling around the back of his neck to pull him down for an upside down kiss. It was interrupted by panted breaths and light shakes of the younger rapper's head but the action soothed his mood nonetheless.

Colson's mouth was warm against his own and tasted like salty sea water. Marshall even swore he could feel the scratch of sand against his chin but continued to kiss back anyway. The moment was pleasant, helped ease what little stress he had left in his temples.

The broke apart when his back started to ache, fingers tugging softly at the tangled blonde locks until they separated. "If I walk you along the shore like some cheesy hallmark movie can we skip the whole lovey dovey sunset gazing bullshit?"

Colson mock gasped. "And ruin my proposal I had planned?"

Leaning back Marshall moved to uncross his legs, forcing his behemoth of a partner to sit up himself. "If it's another collab idea dragging me out into this ridiculous sun and pesty sand was the worst way to soften me up-"

"Actually I was gonna propose we try fucking out in the ocean. Was hoping the whole weightless thing with the water meant you could hold me up while we fucked." The sleazy wink had Marshall shooting Colson a worried look. It was hard to tell how serious the brat was being. It sounded just like the kind of stupid thing he would actually plan.

"That's one way to break the news to the media," The brunette couldn't help but shake his head and laugh while he climbed back up onto his feet. Hand catching the wide umbrella so he wouldn't knock it over. "Rap God Eminem and rival MGK found naked adrift at sea together. Nude!"

For what felt like the millionth time that day Colson cackled, long neck stretching out while he threw his head back. "We- haha- We don't both have to be naked! Why would you take your shorts off too? You actually wanna skinny dip with me?"

"God no. I don't think I'd ever get the sand out of my ass. Fuck I've been sitting down this whole time and there's some inside my thighs." 

Colson was less graceful when he stood up, full on jostling the umbrella with his head. Fingers curling around the older rapper's abandoned hat to slap it back ontop of his head. "That's half the fun of going to the beach. Getting sand in all kinds of-"Their eyes met in a brief flirty gaze. "Uncomfortable places."

The wink that followed was all the encouragement Marshall needed to start walking towards the beach. Eyes rolling so hard he thought they might get stuck in the back of his head. The sooner they got down to the shore the sooner he could get back to comfort of a nice soft hotel bed.

And promptly screw the blondes brains out.

[austinpanda]

Dad Letter 030721

7 March, 2021

Dear Dad--

Today has gotten off to an auspicious start! Zach had a bad dream, which woke him up at 5:00 a.m., and when he tried to go back to sleep, Horta came into the room and started chirping for attention. It’s interesting that about two thirds of the time, it’s adorable when she does that. But the other third of the time, it makes him want to put her into a catapult and launch her into the sun. And since he was already cranky, he opted for the metaphorical catapult. Then he had to go to the grocery store, because it’s his turn, and he hates that, because if there’s any place where he’s going to catch Covid, it’s going to be the only public place he goes to any more, which is the grocery store. Then the store declined his debit card, even though he had sufficient funds, because this grocery store just does that sometimes. He had to put groceries on a different card, which fucks up another purchase he was going to use that card for.

Meanwhile, I’m just fine. Oh, I’m permanently stressed out over money, and I will be until I start getting paychecks again, but I don’t happen to be in mid-crisis right this minute. I spent the morning being a good spouse, cleaning the kitchen and making the bed, so Zach wouldn’t have to do it, thus (hopefully) providing the space needed to kick his foul mood, and it seems to be working. Now that he’s done catching Covid at the store, and we have more food in the house, the mood around here is considerably brighter.

Last weekend I vowed to do something over the next week that I could write about in this letter. In that endeavor, I failed utterly! Oh, several minor things happened, and the week wasn’t totally devoid of activity, but if I’d imagined taking a road trip to some scenic place and snapping a few awesome pictures...yeah, I did not do that. About the biggest event of this past week was getting turned down for emergency rent and utility assistance. That was a right proper kick in the happy sack.

What happened was this: I figured, since my retirement savings is about exhausted, and I haven’t found full-time online work yet, and I’m looking for online work because I haven’t been vaccinated yet, that the rental assistance program our landlords told us about might come in handy. I should get vaccinated in the next month or two, and this would help keep the bills paid until then. The problem was that we did not qualify, because we don’t count as people who have lost income due to Covid. We’ve only failed to gain income due to Covid, but no one got fired because of it. They also seem to assume that my retirement savings is large, if I was able to live off it for a year, and don’t seem interested in how small it may be now.

So...fair enough, ya buttholes. I shall accept it and move on. I’m applying for more jobs now. I have a phone interview on Tuesday for a job auditing at the local casino. That sounds like it might be fun! It’s not a job that involves customer interaction at all; it’s just a paperwork job, so I may be able to do it with a reasonable degree of safety, even if I have to start the job before I get vaccinated. It would be a place with TONS of workplace scrutiny involved; as with the customers, I assume everything I’ll ever do while working for a casino will be under surveillance video. Again, fair enough. Just make note where the video camera is that points at my desk, and learn which direction I have to turn, in order to scratch my nuts with discretion.

I’m not sure how a place like Bangor can even have a full-blown casino, given the size of the city, and the fact that Covid has been such a wrecking ball through the gaming and hospitality industries, but we do! It’s called Hollywood Casino Hotel & Raceway Bangor. Apparently the “raceway” part refers to a harness racing track it’s supposed to have, although I wasn’t aware that downtown Bangor had a casino AND a harness racing track, whatever the hell that is. (They get a bunch of harnesses and race them! I assume they put the harness on a horse.) I’ve already had one hilariously awkward conversation with the recruiter at the casino. I had applied for the position before I reached the point of actually wishing to get the job, so when the recruiter called me, I was earning money off Amazon MTurk doing timed jobs, I was right in the middle of one, and I was not prepared to make any decisions.

So he called to set up an interview, I didn’t know I wanted the job yet, and I was doing six things at once, and both cats picked that moment to assault me, and Zach came into the room. I believe I may have gotten my own name right, but little else. I figured the best option in that moment was to buy myself some time, so I asked if I could email him and let him know what I’d like to do. It felt very unimpressive. In theory, I suppose I’m supposed to respond by saying, “Yes, I want the job very much! Yes, I’d like to schedule an interview at your earliest convenience! Yes, I’m grateful for this opportunity to blah blah blah blah!”

So when I composed the email to the casino recruiter, whose name is Richard, I figured I already had one strike against me, and the chances of giving a good first impression had, by this point, shrunk to zero. I don’t mind being in that position, because it promotes honesty. I explained that, when he’d called, I was doing six things at once, including a series of timed jobs for Amazon, and so I wasn’t exactly prepared for the call. But I’m still interested in the position, and I’d be happy to set up an interview! I told him I didn’t have much experience auditing casino activity, but that I’m super fast with the computer, good with math, and I enjoy busywork. As it turns out, he wasn’t ready for me to answer the phone, either! When he wrote me back, after receiving my email, he said that he’d expected to leave me a voicemail and therefore was completely unprepared to actually speak to me. (Hooray! The call was a clusterfuck for both of us!) He suggested a few dates and times when we might interview over the phone, and we set it up.

If I get the job, I imagine what will happen is: I’ll drive to the casino every morning, walk past lots of desperate, sweaty gamblers, but I’ll feel great, because I know I’m going to leave the casino with more money than I came in with. I’ll go to a back office somewhere, under video surveillance, and I’ll work on Title 31 shit all day. Title 31 regulations are the ones for casinos that require them to track any transactions (money in or money out) greater than $10,000, for purposes of detecting and thwarting the use of casinos for money laundering. I looked it up.

So, wish me luck. In the meantime, I’m doing more timed jobs for Amazon. It is a very, very strange way to make money. The jobs I’ve been doing the most are for MIT in Cambridge. You are given four photos, and then the same four photos that have been altered in the same way. (Like...they’re all darker, or have more contrast, or less color saturation.) Your job is to describe that common change, including its emotional impact, in a sentence or two. “The scene has more contrast, with deeper reds and purples, and appears more dramatic,” e.g. That takes about 30 seconds, and you get 6 cents for doing it. Then you have it auto-load the next set of pics, and repeat. Like I said, it’s a weird--and slow--way to earn money, but it’s easy to sit down and bang out 100 of them, and earn $6.00. Other jobs are similar, but pay ten cents apiece, so you earn a bit more. Do it a few times a day, and it’s enough to keep the groceries paid for. Zach and I are both spending hours on it every day.

At least by next week I’ll be able to say how the casino interview went. I have no idea what it would actually be like to do this job, and to work in a casino, but I’m eager to find out. I can only assume their business is going to pick up as more people get vaccinated and places open for more customers. And if they don’t hire me, then I’ll just go poop on their harness track.

More excitement soon! All my love to you both.

[princess-of-embarrassment]

Some 3 am realizations about life, relationships and maybe more?? idk whatever have fun.

Ok before i start on this shit I am going to say it is 3 am and i am just dumping some thoughts like i usually do. Sorry for the shit grammar, disorganized thoughts and all that jazz... In a sense i feel like this is a letter to myself and what i have been trying so damn hard to understand so yeah i am talking to myself and to this website. I think. Idk. i will probably delete this in the morning when i am back on bad bitch mode and go back to posting memes pero por ahora vamos a ver como nos va. Mayb ei will leave it up bc i forget or because i dont care who sees it. sorry for the shitshow of a post you are about to read but you probably already kinda know me so yay! I debated posting this shit because the internet is a wildin place but oh well!!1!!11

ok tumblr it is 3 in the morning and i have 100% regressed into being a 15 years old on this damn website shitposting and reblogging some corny ass posts but it feels right, so here i am attempting to process it through the only form i know how to actually know how to cope with things. I mean memes are cool and all but lets be real, they don’t address the problems. this is the one place i can brain dump all of my thoughts and not really care about where they go because they will eventually disappear in the tumblr algorithm.

My old blog was often the only separation I had between my reality and the life i really wished i had, but now I have that life that I always wanted so why the hell am i back at square one? To be fair, the life that i have right now may not be envied by many but its a pretty darn good life to me. Im safe 99.9% of the time. The other .1% is a story for another day. I have been trying to figure out for months as to why i’m back to being so active on here and now that it’s 3:00am I realize it’s because of self isolation (thanks corona!). 

Let me start off by saying this; my reality is not something I am going to be able to escape. Ever. It has brought me to where i am today, allowed me to meet some really incredible people and i am so so grateful. I have learned so much in the past few years. i am grateful what happened happened. Wild, i know. I escaped it physically but i cannot escape it mentally, at least for now. School, work, writing, dealing with my freshmen’s problems was what kept my brain occupied and away from having to face the part of my life that I really just want to forget. To be fait my trauma response has taken pretty good care of fucking up my memory and all of those fun things but ironically the things i want to forget about so badly are the things i think about every single day without skipping a beat. brains are weird like that.

I am ok now but sometimes i forget and fall back into my new reality. That is ok. People that know my story ask me why i don’t write about it on a public platform because it’s inspiring?? or hopeful?? or whatever cliche people want to use when addressing a topic that makes them uncomfortable and they want to feel better about the life they live. 21 year old latina girl faces adversity and lives the american dream (barely)..i mean, i did run a whole ass magazine and wrote a piece for graduation including some details of my story but that was like the rated g version with only the little sad parts that people are able to handle without feeling like their comfort zone is being violated. MEdia is a wonderful place isnt it???  so i get where they are coming from, but what they dont understand is that an international platform is not where i can share any of these thoughts... Listen, I know this is cryptic and confusing and you are probably really curious about what the hell happened to me but i don’t feel safe to type it out on international platforms with public access. I don’t know if i ever will... Yeah i can talk to people i trust about it because i am in control of the space and the situation and who is obtaining that information but you never really know with the internet. 

maybe in the future i’ll write a book on it. even then i will probably use my alias make it a YA fiction with an added love story that ends in a happy ending. Maybe one day one of the school girl crushes I have will turn into that YA story and i dont have to make any of it up.

If i am honest...this blog is the only safe place i will probably ever have where he wont find me. He can find my school and my address and phone number and work and everything in between because that is just the way things work. Yeah yeah i get it stop posting shit on social media that is how he finds you whatever. What people dont understand is that I cant stop living my life again. I already started so i cant go back to giving him that power. It makes no sense. Also, his family is too confused by all of the ups and downs of the last year that they dont really know where i am going or what i am doing. So anyways, long story short - That’s why i am back on here, because it has become the same written safe haven I had when i was 15 and tried to escape my physical reality. Only difference is that i am trying to manage the mental reality of it all...

I also have so many questions about what to do next. Like i mentioned in another post, i didnt think i would make it to 21 but i did. I didnt think this far ahead so i guess i will just figure it out along the way but hear me out. How do i face a new reality that no one can relate to. At least not the people around me. How do i make friends and know when the “right time” is to tell them hey btw if this happens lmk lol. Even more importantly (because it relates to my future as world famous YA novelist.. lol sure grace...) How do I even date someone??? many questions are tied to that. like... I know theyre going to ask. “what happened?” “who is it?” “how can i help?” “Isnt there something we can do?”. i am more than willing to answer these questions because fuck, if im dating someone i would be curious too.. but do i even answer those questions. How do i know they are ready to handle that kind of information? how can i guarantee theyre not going to leave. How can i know that they arent going to be frightened by what has happened. how do i know they are not going to think differently of me. How do i explain to this person “yeah i have stress nightmares about what happened and when i wake up i think i am back in that situation and not where i live and i have to remind myself i am in a whole different area code but then its fine lol so if we share a bed at any point in time dont be alarmed if i wake up in a panic.” or how do i explain to them when something triggers me and all i can do is freeze because maybe it is him. Maybe he finally found me. but then i am back to reality and move on with my day because that is the only thing left to do. I cant throw myself a shitty pity party thats generic as fuck and i dont have time for it but whatever. moving on. next question. How do i know theyre not gonna walk away because they have the misconception so many people have?? Just because i went through some shit doesnt mean i am unstable or unloveable or whatever bs people think. This isnt going to go away. This shit is a aprt of me but it doesn not define me. it is not who i am.I dont have the option to make it go away but people have the option to pick up their things and go. seems unfair to me sometimes. It seems unfair to generalize people like that. I am always open to a new relationship but people expect me to be sitting at home scared to go out into the world and live my life. I have a life to live and i am so ready to explore it by myself or with someone by my side but quarantine has brought me back on here to deal with the fact that i am back to being stuck inside. Mentally and physically. One sucks less than the other. 

I have so many other questions but i am feeling tired again and its almost 4am so maybe i should go to bed. Y’all dont know how happy i am to have this trash site to vent to in the middle of the night. theres some relly judgy people on here but at least i know my feed wont judge me or try to fix what has happened. it will just listen.

Anyways, i doubt anyone will read this because this post got long as fuck but if you did i give you a high five and a virtual hug for getting through the clusterfuck of sentences. Thanks tumblr. If i ever go viral again on this shitshow of a website i may have to bring back my studyblr and go underground lmfao jk maybe. I cant wait to hug my friends and the people i have met that have become a part of my daily routine (yes even during social isolation, get off my ass I am still socially isolating). All i can do for now is wait for someone who cares about me for me and isn’t scared of my past or the pieces of it that linger in my present. I deserve nothing less. if they cant do that they are not worth my time and i hope they drop their keys every single time they go to open their front door. oh... they also better be ready for the hours i spend typing away my thoughts on my computer. Maybe one day they will be allowed to read them too... lol maybe not. whatever who knows. Peace out kiddos stay healthy xoxo.

[ireneinisolation-blog]

3/23 - Symptoms

Jeez, I really need to start getting to this earlier in the day. Maybe eliminate some looking at social media in the middle of the day.

So I don’t have any symptoms. Not that I can tell anyway. It makes me nervous that I could be someone who gets the virus and doesn’t experience any symptoms. Even though I am socially distancing and sheltering in place at this point, I will touch things like door handles in the hallway of my apartment complex, and I would hate to be a unwitting vector for the virus. On the other hand, I’m also worried (when I allow my brain to wander in this direction which is admittedly not that often) that I could not only get symptoms, but get really severe ones. Who the fuck knows who that’ll happen to?? Yes, we know that old people and people with certain underlying health conditions are more at risk, but it seems that there are plenty of exceptions. But let’s not think about all that. At the moment, I don’t seem to have any symptoms and no reason to think that I would have the virus aside from the fact that a lot of people have it now.

What if I got mild symptoms? Like I did exhibit something, but very mild symptoms that are easy to confuse? More likely, people will confuse all other things with coronavirus at this time. And I’m sure as hell not gonna go try to get tested or anything even if I exhibit symptoms because I know that is a clusterfuck.

Chest pain. I have been getting that recently. Well, not so much pain, but it is indeed discomfort. What do I make of that?? I don’t usually have that. Well in the present circumstance, I guess I would assume that it pertains to my extremely heightened anxiety. Maybe a bit of congestion from my seasonal tree pollen allergies (which have been insane since mid February). Maybe it is a bit of heartburn caused by the anxiety and from the allergy induced asthma. Who the fuck knows. Oh, and what about panic attacks? Maybe I’m just having a constant partial panic attack. Or maybe it is a heart attack. Doubtful, but I do feel extra stressed recently for some reason. Wonder what that could be.

Definitely had a cough. From the allergies. As mentioned.

I guess I do have symptoms. What I should have said is that I have a lot of overlapping symptoms but so far none of them really suggest it being coronavirus.

What’s the other symptoms of coronavirus? there are so fucking few that are also the symptoms of about a million other things, which is tricky.

Shortness of breath. That’s right. Yep, have that too. But that’s another one I’ve had since mid february related to the aforementioned terrible tree pollen allergies.

An interesting new potential symptom seen in otherwise asymptomatic cases that was just recently announced is that people lose their sense of smell and taste. Those are still well in tact, thank goodness. In quarantine, there are few life pleasures to be enjoyed, and eating is still among one of the remaining possibilities. I think I will notice quite clearly when I lose that one. That’s good at least. I’ll notice one symptom.

Alternatively, I could have a terrible case with symptoms impossible to miss. Oh yeah, I had decided not to think about that anymore though.

Weird. Fucking. Times.

Now for the daily updates. I have very few because the diversity of tasks that I completed today was quite limited. I worked from home for a major chunk of the day and got a fair amount of work done. In the evening, I spent more time reading on social media than I should have. Spent some time browsing okcupid (I’ll have to write a whole post for “dating” in quarantine... another time though). I cleaned a bit, but less that I should have....

I did make a delicious dinner. Fried brown rice (not sure if brown rice is normally used for fried rice, but I thought it was delicious) with mushrooms, chimichurri (parsley, olive oil, salt, and garlic) for extra flavor, and of course some scrambled egg, plus a side of lemon garlic asparagus. After dinner I made some gluten free peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, and they are delicious! I am still quite full from my feast, even now at 11:30! Probably not good timing to be so full right before bed.

I failed to go outside today. The governor made a suggestion that we try to go outside less to minimize contact. I followed directions today, but I’m not saying I will always do so. Anyway, it’s fucking tree pollen season and I need to keep my allergies under control.

I need to do some running or walking tomorrow. I fear that by the time we are finally let out of our cages (what is it predicted, a year from now?!) that I will have gone totally insane. At which time I probably wouldn’t be able to enjoy as thoroughly the refreshed freedom. So I gotta stay sane now so I can enjoy going back to my real life later.

[chocobro-hijinks]

Chocobros comforting you after a bad day

Noctis:

it’s been an awful day, you just want to sleep but you’re too worked up it’s just not happening

you go to his place because you don’t want to spend another minute drowned in your dark thoughts

you find him in his room, stretched on the bed watching something intensely blue on the mounted tv

he tries to get up but he’s having a bad day as well, spine and hip and knee hurt too much, he reaches for you to come to him instead

he says it was a good day sparring with Gladio, but right as he was cleaning up he twisted himself wrong and agitated old injuries

you kick off your shoes, slip out of bulky jackets and get up on the bed with him

he welcomes you in his arms with a chuckle and rubs your back lightly, he melts back into the bed and you make yourself comfortable on his warm chest

you watch the salmon documentary for a bit but it doesn’t distract you from the frustration boiling in your gut

“Can i rant to you real quick?” you suddenly say to his drowsy face, “it’s dumb but i really wanna get it out.”

the first thing he does is pause the video and sit up as best he can, he holds your hand and nods for you to go on

you tell him all about it, about the awful thing that happened, how you couldn’t just speak your thoughts in that moment, how you wished you said this or that, how you hate being put in those positions yet they keep happening

he listens carefully, humming his understanding every few pauses and rubbing your hand with his thumb when it seemed like you were getting lost in the rage

you start feeling better the moment you’ve gotten your thoughts out, but you feel like you should apologize for bothering him with the little things when he’s in much worse pain

before you say it, he hugs you tight and tells you how glad he is that you tell him these things without any reservations

“I’m so used to people tiptoeing around me, especially when i’m like this,” he gestures to the knee he has on a pillow, “but this is how it should be, normally. i’m glad I can be there for you, too. makes me feel like i’m really helping, like i can still do something.”

you hug him tight and thank your lucky stars that you’ve been blessed be in the arms of the sweetest boy in all of Lucis

prompto:

it started out on one of your usual daily texts, he mentioned something unfair that happened with one of the kingsglaive during training

you couldn’t help but launch into a long rant about something similar that happened to you today as well

after walls and walls of text you scroll up and realize he hadn’t said anything in a while even though he was online for all of it

filled with a mixture of embarrassment, hurt, regret, and rejection at his silence, you write “you don’t seem interested so just never mind!” and stop checking your messages for the rest of your work day

once the fury simmers down into regret you worry yourself into a knot over the last thing you said

the more you think about it, the more hurtful it was to aim your anger at your usually attentive sweetheart

it feels like nothing will ever be right again, you skip meals and go home feeling miserable and alone

Prompto opens the door for you with a brilliant smile, he hugs you tight and welcomes you back as if nothing was wrong

his eyes are glossy and his face is all flushed, you can instantly tell that he’d been trying not to cry, pretending to be unaffected

you can’t stop the barrage of tears at the sight, he just looks so hurt and it’s your fault!

you hug him tight and apologize repeatedly, refusing to let go until he understood how sorry you are for hurting him

“it’s okay honey,” he cries too, “it’s just a misunderstanding! I know you get really passionate about justice!” 

he’s just happy you still want to to be with him and hug him like this!

turns out he was being talked to by someone important, he couldn’t just ignore them and look at his phone even if he really wanted to

you insist on making it up to him, though, and you go out for his favorite dinner place followed by ice cream in the Crow’s Nest

you can’t help but be grateful that this beautiful sunshine boy wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him, it takes hard work but that’s something you’re both good at

Gladiolus:

someone at work got hurt and you ended up in a very bad mental place

you reply to his good morning text with “sorry, something happened at work, i’ll text back later”

within the hour he was at your workplace in a fitted business suit, face tight with concern, refusing to leave before he saw that you were okay

you’re usually reserved in public but the mere sight of him filled you with so much relief you couldn’t help but throw yourself into his arms and hide away from the world in his arms

“Baby are you okay? i brought the car, we can go wherever you need.” 

you tell him you’re fine, it was a coworker who was injured but you were there when it happened

the whole traumatic scene followed by the stress of the paramedics and the eventual emergency meeting to assign blame was just a big clusterfuck of a bad day

he demands you take the rest of the day off and nobody is brave enough to contest the angry muscle man who can carry a magic sword like a parasol

you tell him all about it in the car on your way home and he listens with all the focus he could muster while driving

you apologize for interrupting the important international meeting between Lucis royalty and Accordo’s prime minister, it was a big day that he planned a lot for and you tried not to cause him worry by making the text simple and short

it did the exact opposite lmao

he tells you it’s fine, there are a hundred others who could take his place around the king, and Ignis wouldn’t leave the prince’s side, not even to let him pee

it makes you laugh, and suddenly the world is right again

“At least you’re smiling again, had me real worried back there.” he’d finally let him self relax against the seat, and set his free hand on your knee

you can’t wait to get home and get a proper tight engulfing hug and a good cry in his chest, it might not help your coworker but it will certainly help your mental state

you know he has to go back to the politicians right away, but that’s okay, his arms are always around you when you need him and that’s all that matters

when he’s done he’ll give you more hugs, and hugs always escalate into cuddles and makeouts, you might even find yourselves a better way to relieve stress tonight

soon you’ll be too wobbly and spent to make food, dinner will be takeout and you’re all up to ordering his favorite gourmet ramen bowl with all the toppings that could fit

Ignis:

you come home and find him in the living room finishing work on his laptop, he’s so focused he doesn’t even turn to look at you while welcoming you home

you don’t attempt any further communication, instead, you head straight to your bedroom to get changed

you just want this day to end

a moment later he’s there in the room with you, treading lightly into a casual conversation

your answers are short and shallow, you really didn’t feel like talking right now and didn’t he have work to do?

life was always stressful for both of you, but to see him busy with more work when home was supposed to be the only place you could have him to yourself suddenly ticked you off

it wasn’t the first time and you’re usually okay with it, today, however, you were already at your wit’s end

the last thing you want to admit is that you were jealous of a spreadsheet

“Darling, are you quite alright?” he’d give you personal space of course, always the gentleman. “Have I done something to upset you?”

the heavy walls you put around yourself instantly crumble at the hesitation in his voice, he searches your face anxiously when you finally look at him

here you are with the best thing that to ever happen to you, and you’re too caught up in your own insecurities to cherish it

so you let your head down and have him hold you in his arms, his shoulder was the only place you could let yourself be vulnerable and cry the stress away

it wasn’t fair how safe he made you feel just by holding you, how will you ever survive if one day he had to stay at work overnight??

“shhhh,” he’d hum in your ear, not to silence, but to pacify, “you’re so wonderful and brave to have held it in until you got home. it’s alright now, you’re safe, i’ll take care of you. oh sweetheart, my sweetheart...”

you end up on the bed with your head on his lap and his fingers in your hair, when you’re finally done crying yourself dry, you admit that most of the stress is caused by how much you missed him

he admits that he’s not too familiar with the whole physical affection aspect of relationships yet, but will work harder to eliminate some of your anxieties

he shows love with acts of servitude more than words or touches, with better communication you will eventually find middle ground where both of you are comfortable

it warms you up to know he’d already made dinner while waiting for you

you ask him to help you make chocolate souffles as an apology for the meltdown, he tells you he doesn’t need apologies but would love nothing more than to accept your sentiments

you know he loves teaching and cooking, and in that tiny kitchen you’ll find several ways to squeeze yourself between him and the counter until he’s smiling again

[angstgods]

WIP Tag:

this one’s gonna be a doozy. i really need people to love me right now lmaoooo

tagged by the love of my life @zeldaismyhomegirl you get that subculture pallet girl, im here for you if you need some cheerleading! 

(I’m including five wips. Bell Toll 13, my novel Untitled, a yoi clusterfuck called Serendipity, another yoi clusterfuck called Cabaret, and an Evak tentatively titled Pacing. This is gonna be a long fucking post so if you actually care about my wips and stuff, give it a look, but yeah. very long lmao) 

First Line Tag:

Bell Toll:

“Pick up, pick up, pick up...”

“Hi!”

“Oh, thank fuck, Vic–”

“I’m sorry, but you haven’t reached Victor Nikiforov...”

“Goddamnit! .... Oh my god, okay, yeah hi, Victor. I can’t do this. Pick me up. Pick me up right goddamn now.”

(I gave you a few lines but... I mean clearly I haven’t worked on it at all because I want death and if I even continue I have to revamp a lot of it so.... idk be patient with me.) 

Untitled (novel): To feel comfortably alone is a state of being few can achieve, incomparable to mindfulness or zen, it isn’t simplistic enough to sum up in a book or a magazine article. 

(Wow... so much plot... so much insight... aren’t cha soooooo curious)

Serendipity: A pair of tired eyes and unshaven cheeks prowled down the street, headed for the intersection. With his hands in his pockets, he huffed out a cloud of fog, breath cooling before his eyes in the November wind.

(wow... that could be literally anybody in literally anything.... so specific... im such a genius) 

Cabaret: A wide eyed tourist apologized in clumsy French, bowed his head, and stole away into the night with his nose to the pavement. He was looking for something. 

(Lmao three guesses who that mess could be.)

Pacing: What he loved the most was that dumb little smirk, the way the corners of that mouth creased up to accommodate it. The degree in which thin lips smirked communicated a variety of emotions outside of expected smugness.

~*~

Any Line and/or Favorite Line (aka teaser line): 

Bell Toll: “Yuri!” 

Standing a few paces into the hallway, Karl took in his roommate’s bare skin– and the way his arm was folded up to cushion his face against the doorframe– with badly concealed horror. In a state of undress Yuri hadn’t really seen before, Karl blinked from behind frameless reading glasses. 

“What’re you doing here..?” 

(Say something about my ocs. This whole interaction is golden, you don’t even knowwwwwwwwww the roommate is an easter egg for my aussie buddy.) 

Untitled (novel): He processed the familiar bass in that voice he’d heard so much of now spoken from the lips of a complete stranger. He could’ve passed this man on the street, oblivious to how close they were in mind alone. Now there was a body to learn and understand, a thin face with stark, angular features to study, dark eyes to gaze into. Hidden under a strong brow, his eyes could’ve been blue or brown, their color minimized by the darkness that shadowed them, but they were warm and inviting regardless of their color. They drew him in. 

“What can’t you learn from books?” 

(heh heh heh >:3c everything i touch is gay. what can i say, im a book twink. also, lemme know what you think. i started the demo and ill post it soon.)

Serendipity: (This is gonna be a little long cuz i love this whole section)

With his head hung, Yuuri hustled into the shop at 6:15. His eyes were cast down, avoiding whatever look Charlie wore on her face. She hated having to open alone. He headed fast into the back room to hang up his coat. He was barely finished unraveling his scarf and pulling off his hat when the first customers trickled in. He set to work right away, diligently pulling perfect shots for a few lattes and seeing the early risers off on their days. After putting thankful smiles on three faces, he was brave enough to face Charlie who was standing at the other end of the bar with her jaw on the floor. 

“Yuuri,” she started, sifting through her vocabulary for the right words to say, “you are–”

“Late, I’m sorry,” he apologized automatically. “I had a... I’m sorry.” He nervously scrubbed his hand over his face, raking it back through his hair slick from the shower. A navy blue hat swept it back out of his face. The bridge of his nose felt naked in the absence of his glasses. 

“Are you wearing contacts?” Charlie questioned, openly ignoring his incessant apologies. Yuuri could feel her eyes on him. He looked in her general direction but never at her face.

“I lost my glasses,” he admitted, thanking his lucky stars that he managed to find a set of contacts at the last second. “Have you seen them?” He chanced a look at her face. She’d opted for gloss instead of her usual black lip today. The edge of her nail poked at the side of her mouth. Her eyes were lidded with a look of consideration, but her brows were lifted. She regarded him with approval he couldn’t recognize as such. He frowned. “I know, I look like a mole. You don’t have to say it.” 

“You look hot, Yuuri,” she promptly disagreed. She took in all the lines that made up Yuri’s face. Without his glasses, he had to focus his vision tightly on what he was doing. It made his jaw set and his brows sinche together. His cheeks weren’t hollow and gaunt, but that didn’t stop the high points of his cheekbones from casting shadows down his face. There was something different about the way he carried himself that put it all together. “Did you get laid last night?” she asked, and the shock widened his eyes, making him look more like his usual nervous self. 

“No,” he denied, cheeks turning red. Charlie smiled at the chance to poke fun.

“You totally did, don’t lie. You seem looser. Come on, was it your roommate? The… the shady one. What’s his name?”

“I am not–” he shot off with defensively high volume, finishing his thought with a little more composure when a woman looked up from her book,“I am not having sex with my roommate.”

“Something happened.”

“No it didn’t.” 

“Tell me.”

“There’s nothing to tell!” 

“You fold like a lawn chair. Tell me what happened... Yuuri! Fold! Fold! Fold!” 

“Yuuri!” 

A cheerful voice cut through the struggle and Charlie fell silent. Out of the snow’s wrath, Victor sighed and loosened his scarf to unveil more of his face. Snowflakes melted in his hair and on his lashes. His cheeks were flushed, but he beamed with a cheeriness no human could possess in such miserable weather. He stopped at the counter, brightly greeting Yuuri and a girl Victor saw a lot but never learned the name of. 

“You left your glasses in my car.” 

(Coffee shop shenanigans! also Charlie looks like Lauren Hill and I’d die for her) 

Cabaret: 

“Why do you do it?” Otabek asked, letting the question hang in the air while Yuri slowly picked apart the buttons on his shirt with pruned fingers. Water from the bath spilled over the sides and onto the tiled floor, but Otabek stayed still and peaceful. 

“Because I love men,” he replied somberly, “this is the best way to catch their eyes in that way...” Yuri leaned further out of the tub, the dimples at the base of his spine rising up out of the water. He ghosted the pads of his fingers down past Otabek’s collarbones over his heart. His skin was tanner than Yuri’s, warm and taut over strong muscle. “Perhaps someday I’ll find someone who isn’t disgusted by me,” he added as an afterthought, “but that’ll take years if it happens at all.” 

(think 1920s france, the soviet union was just formed, jj is an asshole) 

Pacing: 

“Wait.” His words contradicted his actions, his nails scratched over Even’s scalp, displacing his hair. Even the tone of his voice disagreed with the command to wait. But the last thing Even wanted was to make Isak uncomfortable. Running his nose over the seam between his abs, he froze in place and waited for an explanation. “This isn’t fair to you...” Isak admitted from deep within himself. His brow was furrowed in thought. “I don’t... What if I can’t do the same for you?” 

(ill probably just write this as a one shot cuz i dont even really see people wanting this but oh well lol) 

And thats my wips! Not gonna tag anyone, but if you like, send me your wips id be glad to give you feedback and PLEASE read me to filth. if these call out to you lemme know! 

[orneryadventures-blog]

This post is about predicting the future

The more times you start out being bad at something and then start to get good at something, the more patterns you start to see in what it takes to get good at ANYTHING. They all have common elements. And one of those elements I would like to teach you all about today! 

I call this concept, “Nth-order predictors”. And most of you will already be familiar with it in some way, however small or large. But I think you will find that it is powerful to put the concept into words, and actively seek higher-order predictors when you are learning new skills. But I digress. Stay with me!

Most practical skills involve making observations, making predictions based on those observations, and taking some kind of action based on those predictions. For example, an animal handler who knows that an animal is going to be aggressive based on its species and that it is mating season, will have a great advantage over an animal handler that only realises it’s aggressive once the animal has raised its hackles and lowered its ears. Furthermore, THAT animal handler will have a great advantage over the animal handler that only realises once the animal is in the process of lunging at their throats. The futher ahead you can predict outcomes, the better positioned you will be, as a rule.

Another example might be an engineer who can tell a building is at risk of collapsing simply from its design, without needing to see stress fractures. They would have an advantage over an engineer who needs to see the fractures before they understand, and moreso over an engineer who only realises when the building collapses.

But the example I’m going to use today is Driving. Mostly because driving has lots of freely available screenshots online for me to use as illustrations, thanks to everybody having dashcams these days.

So lets start with this. This is the “Event” we are trying to predict in our driving example - hitting a pedestrian. We can call this the 0th-order predictor, though it can hardly be called a predictor in the traditional sense. But this is a thing we don’t want to happen (Or do! Who am i to judge? *nervous laughter*), so we say, “How can we predict THIS?”, and i’m sure most of you are all so good at this already, that you will skip straight to the 2nd or 3rd order predictor, but it’s important to go step by step to illustrate exactly what is happening. The 1st order predictor is, “Is there a pedestrian in the path of my car?”

Yes you’re still way ahead of me, you would’ve seen that guy well before that point. So whats the predictor for “Is there a pedestrian in the path of my car?”. Obviously we ask, “Is there a pedestrian travelling towards the path of my car?”. This is the 2nd order.

I’m sure you’re still way ahead of me, but it’ll get interesting soon I promise. How do we predict “Is there a pedestrian travelling towards the path of my car?”. If we assume our human doesn’t have wheels or a jetpack we have a very convenient single predictor of where they’re about to go - Balance. Balance of nearby pedestrians is the 3rd order predictor of a collision.

For a stationary pedestrian to move, or for a moving pedestrian to change course in our direction, they have to shift their balance in our direction. However, you could consider this a point where our predictor tree “branches”. There are a number of ways a pedestrian could start moving towards the path of our car, and so “Is there a nearby pedestrian wearing a jetpack?” and “Is there a nearby pedestrian wearing roller blades?” are also very useful 3rd order predictors which should not be ignored! But since this is just an example lets assume our pedestrian is just wearing regular stuff and look at how we might predict future changes in their balance - a 4th order predictor. And the 4th order predictor is of course muscle contractions. (Thank you Emily, who is the greatest and also super smart, for helping me identify the relevant muscles)

Now i’m sure this is where a lot of you are thinking, “Hold on James, how on earth would I be able to perceive and react to a barely-visible muscle contraction on a nearby pedestrian while i’m also driving a car?”. And thats a fair point. Maybe before you are able to exhaust all the predictors available to you, you first exhaust your feeble human minds ability to process it all in a timely fashion. But there are three important things to note here:

1. Perhaps we have now hit the limits of our human abilities in this example. But have you hit the limits of your human abilities ALL your walks of life? How many predictors are you considering when you go about your day to day life, whether its knowing how best to befriend people, or knowing how to be excellent at your job, or knowing how to keep yourself and the people around you safe? I would wager quite a sum that you are only using a third, or less, of your potential at some things - simply because you haven’t known how you could possibly apply yourself to improving. My hope is that thinking about higher-order predictors will show you new ways to push yourself to your full potential in whichever things you choose. It is a concept for EVERYTHING you do.

2. Perhaps this is the limit of our human abilities while driving a vehicle, but muscle contractions could still be used as a predictor of human changes in balance in an environment where you are singularly concentrated on another person, such as in a self-defense scenario (particularly relevant because when your life is at stake you need every advantage you can get, however minor), or maybe something like competitive sports.

3. Perhaps this is the limit of our HUMAN abilities, but soon the age of self driving cars will arrive. Perhaps a self-driving car that looks in the fisheye mirror of the car in front and detects when the driver contracts their triceps to anticipate when they are about to turn the steering wheel seems silly and farfetched, it’s most definitely POSSIBLE (I should know, after all, being software engineer for my day job). It simply won’t be done because it’d be a huge amount of work to write, and the safety benefit would be trivial.

All that being said, now that we’ve pushed this example to the limits of practicality, let’s see how impractical we can get.

We need to go DEEPER

5th order predictor (predictor of muscle contractions) - Neurological activity

I’m really glad this came up, because this is a predictor that cannot be observed, and you will run into these occasionally. And the reason i’m glad it came up is because even though you can’t see inside somebody’s head, you can STILL predict what MIGHT be going on inside it with.....yes....higher-order predictors

5 and 6 happen inside the brain, so they can’t be observed, but Lo! There are predictors for INTENT! Despite having hit was might have seemed to be a “dead end�� by finding that something could only be predicted by knowing what was going on inside a persons head, we have emerged, because there are predictors for a persons intent! It’s a good thing we didn’t give up. Let this be a lesson to you for whenever you encounter predictors for which you can’t collect data in your own machinations.

7th order predictors (predictors of Intent) Much like our 3rd order predictors (Back when we chose “Balance” instead of “Are they wearing rollerskates or a jetpack?”), there is a whole clusterfuck of predictors we could choose here:

What time is it? People are more likely to be heading towards residential areas in the evening, and more likely to be heading towards business centres in the morning. What route have other pedestrians taken? Whats the highest traffic path? What demographic is the person and what attire are they wearing? If they are wearing a McDonalds uniform, they will probably be heading towards (or away!) from the nearest mcdonalds. If they are wearing a priests or nuns habit, they might be heading towards the nearest cathedral.

You will notice all of the things that i’ve mentioned are weak predictors. It means they have a very good chance of being wrong. However they still give you information. The weather forecast has a good chance of being wrong, but if you were not sure whether it would rain today and you saw clouds and felt a breeze, knowing the forecast said rain might just be enough to change your prediction one way or another. In the end, combining weak predictors just comes down to the age-old question “How many coincidences make a fact?”, to borrow a phrase from the famous hacktivist th3j35t3r:

Now, all of the predictors we just mentioned are observable, and I don’t know any way to go deeper. So i think this might ACTUALLY be the end of our blog post finally. Has anybody ever overthought driving this hard? Who knows! Should the average person overthink driving WAY MORE? Absolutely. But this isn’t about driving. Whether you’re trying to get better at watering your garden and giving your dog belly rubs, or trying to survive a life-or-death situation, I bet there is a bunch of extra overthinking you can do to make whatever you’re doing go that much better. And I hope I’ve inspired you to look a little deeper at every single thing that you do.

Thanks for reading <3

[closetofanxiety]

Show Review: Beyond Wrestling, “Feeling Minnesota”

Third wrestling show in two days! What was I thinking? Tell you what: after I got home from this show I watched the WWE Payback ppv. I gotta fever, and the only cure is more wrestling! Let’s get to it:

Where: Aurora Nightclub, downtown (actually they say “downcity,” whatta buncha fancypantses) Providence, Rogues Island

When: Sunday, April 30, 2017, 2 p.m. belltime

What: Yesterday’s show was “Looking California” and today’s is “Feeling Minnesota,” and this is a Soundgarden reference, specifically to their first big hit, “Outshined.” But also, does anyone remember the moody Keanu Reeves/Cameron Diaz mid-90s film “Feeling Minnesota”? God, it sucked. It was from an era of lousy movies that attempted to be Tarantino-esque but only came off as smarmy and incoherent. Reeves’ character in the film is named “Jjaks Clayton.” Seriously: “Jjaks.” What kind of bullshit are you trying to put over on us with that? The soundtrack also had that shitty, post-grunge vibe to it; I remember there was a lackluster Helmet song. God, what a bad movie. I hope this show is better.

Bonus Match: Some guy defeats Jay Freddie

Another ���bonus” match! We came in just as this one was ending. I didn’t catch the winner’s name, but from the two or three minutes we saw, it looked fun. I’ll have to pay more attention to this Jay Freddie fellow! He’s going to Japan for a few months, though.

Janelope (Joey Janela and Penelope Ford) def. XXXL (Brian “Kingpin” Milonas and Ace Romero) via pinfall

This was a great way to start the show. It was like watching a live action cartoon, because Milonas and Romero combined are like 750 pounds. The whole creative thrust of the match was waiting to see whether these two giants would completely squash tiny Penelope Ford, who stayed alive by flirting with the easily smitten Romero, much to the consternation of Milonas, who kept slapping his partner in the face and barking, “Focus!” Eventually Janela rallied, Penelope turned on heartbroken Ace, and Janelope triumphed. Then “Cold Steel” Chuck O’Neill ran in, knocked Penelope over, and put Joey in a triangle choke on behalf of Matt Riddle, who has accepted Janela’s challenge at Americanrana. I want to see this match so bad, but more: I want to see Janela’s promos leading up to the match. Yesterday the crowd chanted “Spring break!” for Janela, today they chanted “Grapplefuck!” in a nod to his delightful contempt of that ethos. Rating: Three and a half Keanus.

David Starr def. “Hot Sauce” Tracy Williams via submission

Buddy, did I mention grapplefuck? This was a fuckaganza, a grappletacular, a veritable clinic in the fucking of grapple. Lots of chain wrestling here, so much so that the ghost of Lou Thesz hovered over the first five minutes of the match, nodding paternally. After that they started smacking the shit out of each other, which I enjoyed. David Starr is a huge talent, they just need to find a program for him. He had a budding feud with Nick Gage which ended when the Nickster went back to the hoosegow, and then the Starr-Janela feud kind of fizzled out. He’s spinning his wheels in Beyond right now, but he’s always entertaining. Rating: Three Keanus.

Deonna Purrazzo def. Karen Q and Tasha Steelz via pinfall

I like all three of these wrestlers a lot, but this suffered from the standard problem of triple threat matches (i.e. for much of the match, at least one person has nothing to do), and there were a couple of seriously blown moments, although I think both might have been the referee’s fault. He missed a near fall, like to the point where the crowd started yelling at him to count the pin, and then he didn’t indicate that Tasha Steelz was tapping out (it was an elimination match) so the ring announcer had to do that. Kind of messy! Not terrible, though, and I’d like to see more of Karen Q in particular. Rating: Two Keanus.

Dan Barry def. Swoggle, Johnny Cockstrong, “Supercop” Dick Justice, Stan Stylez, and Jarek 1:20 via pinfall

I think this is one of the legacies of the Spring Break show: a match that can only really be billed as a clusterfuck. You had Stan Stylez, who was new to me, whose thing was that he used a Shake Weight like he was jerking off, and then sprayed whipped cream all over himself, like ejaculate; you had Johnny Cockstrong, with a light-up codpiece; you had Swoggle, who attracted the ire of three virulent haters in the crowd who kept holding up a “Swoggle Swallows” sign for some reason; and you had Dan Barry, who is the make-believe wrestling cop. Except! Dan Barry wants to be taken seriously as a serious wrestler now, disavowing his comedy gimmick and grimacing through this match in which he is pitted against five goofballs. I actually think this is a neat storyline and hope to see them run with it some more, presumably building to a match with Bill Carr. A fair number of little kids were in attendance, which made all the dick jokes and ass-biting seem even more grotesque than they would have been. If you aren’t a fan of comedy wrestling, this is Extremely Not Your Thing. Rating: Two and a half Keanus.

EYFBO (Mike Draztik and Angel Ortiz) def. The American Destroyers (Donovan Dijak and Mikey Webb) via pinfall

This was a hoot. Pure chaos, with none of the comedy that both teams can do, just a full-on sprint from start to finish. EYFBO had the Impact tag team titles with them (the titles still say TNA, DOES NO ONE CARE ABOUT BRANDING) and the Destroyers came out full of cocky swagger. Mikey Webb has really grown on me as Dijak’s shit-talking sidekick, and Mike Draztik should be a huge singles star one day, the dude just has so much ability and charisma. This has been the best Destroyers match I’ve seen so far, and one of the best EYFBO matches. Rating: Four Keanus.

INTERMISSION!

The editor at Spectacle of Excess wants to do more interviews, and she asked if I wanted to interview Janela (she is interviewing Su Yung, and I am jealous). I do, although I really don’t know what to ask. I feel like wrestlers are more guarded about stuff that you’d really want to know, and as a result most interviews tend to be things like “How did you get into wrestling/what are some of your favorite matches/who do you want to wrestle next.” I don’t know, man. I’m a weird awkward fuck at the best of times, and never liked cold-calling interviews when I was a journalist. We’ll see. If you have any questions for Joey Janela, send them my way.

Team PAWG (LuFisto and Jordynne Grace) def. Alpha Sigma Sigma (Anthony Greene and Brick Mastone) via pinfall

Team PAWG (That’s “Phat Ass White Girls,” your holiness) were introduced by ring announcer Rich Palladino as having a combined weight of 325 pounds, “25 of which are athletic ass meat,” and I thought, Boy, I come from a family of college professors. Which is true. I, however, dropped out of grad school to become a newspaper reporter, and now here I am, in a bar in Providence, Rhode Island on a Sunday afternoon, listening to a guy in a tuxedo describe the “ass meat” of two women in front of an audience that includes preteens. Say what you want about me, but you can’t deny that I am a total disappointment. Anyway, this match was pretty lukewarm. Greene and Mastone are talented young dudes, but trapped in this fuck boy (fuckboi?) gimmick that, in fairness, does get a fair amount of heat. I kind of thought this would be a knockdown dragout, as all four wrestlers can really go, but it was mostly a comedy match focused on the ass power of LuFisto and Jordynne Grace. A little disappointing! Rating: Two Keanus.

Keith Lee def. Michael Elgin via pinfall

If this were Wrestling Twitter, I would just write HOSS FIGHT and be done with it. Two gigantic men who are both skilled wrestlers colliding in a hard-fought battle with lots of spots showing off Elgin’s incredible strength and Lee’s amazing athleticism. This went a little long, which is something you can say for like 75 percent of indie matches, but in this case that was especially noticeable, since the awe of this matchup starts to wear off after 10 minutes or so. Still a lot of fun and may come across better on video. Rating: Three Keanus.

AR Fox def. John Silver via pinfall

Silver was originally scheduled to wrestle the absent Davey Richards, who had a family situation he had to be present for. Silver came out to the ring and said there was only one man he wanted to face in Richards’ absence: Dave Bautista. His “I Walk Alone” theme music started playing, but instead of the “Guardians of the Galaxy 2″ star, Ansonia, Connecticut’s favorite son, AR Fox, emerged from the back. Delightfully, Fox kept up Batista-esque mannerisms throughout the match, including the machine gun pose. This was, like all AR Fox matches, completely bonkers, with the man seemingly determined to prove his neck is made of rubber. Lots of back and forth on the offense, with Fox winning via rollup after Silver tried to go for the Batista Bomb. Rating: Three and a half Keanus. 

Doom Patrol (Chris Dickinson and Jaka) def. Jonathan Gresham and Zack Sabre Jr. via pinfall

I loved this match. The back story is that since Dickinson attacked Jordynne Grace, Gresham’s real-life girlfriend, the Octopus has been out for revenge on the Dirty Daddy. This had a lot of rawness to it, with Dickinson and Gresham getting in each other’s faces before the bell and getting pulled apart by their tag team partners and the ref. Very few people do nasty as well as Chris Dickinson. (Side note: Doom Patrol came out with the EVOLVE tag team championship belts, and it was neat to realize Team Pazuzu has the team gold in two separate promotions right now) The match itself was a gritty classic, with Gresham and ZSJ being pushed out of their customary technical wizardry into brutal striking contests with Jaka and Dickinson. Chaos started to reign down the stretch, and when the Doom Patrol got Gresham up for the Doomsday Device, Jordynne Grace ran in, ostensibly to help her man but in reality causing confusion that allowed Dickinson to get the win via rollup. Afterwards, she and Gresham bickered, with Grace saying she should have been his partner for this match instead of Zacky Three Belts. They decided to settle this in the only way possible: INSIDE THE SQUARED CIRCLE, at Beyond’s show in May. Fun! Rating: Four Keanus.

Final verdict: Not quite the start-to-finish classic as yesterday’s show, but well worth your time and dollars.