#but this parallel came to me at like 2AM n i had to make it

[wellcollapse]

EDDIE DIAZ & BOBBY NASH (3x08 — "MALFUNCTION") CHRISTOPHER DIAZ & EVAN BUCKLEY (7x01 — "ABANDON SHIPS")

[suekuna]

𝐂𝐔𝐑𝐒𝐄𝐃.

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒 — 𝐠𝐨𝐣𝐨 𝐱 𝐠𝐧!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 ?? (𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐰𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐚 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐩𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐭)

𝐖𝐂 — 𝟐𝐤 +

𝐂𝐖 — 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭, 𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐬𝐦𝐮𝐭, 𝐭𝐨𝐱𝐢𝐜 𝐛𝐞𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐫, 𝐬𝐮𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐬, 𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠

‘go to hell.’ the silence in the room was deafening. tears the color of clarity, flowed down your cheeks so easily. gojo is the tide that tore against the riverbed, where your heart resides.

it's over. your story together is over. the memories will become painful that they too, will be over.

gojo stayed silent at your words. as much as they stung, he knew they were well deserved. he fucked up and this was his punishment. though he’s not religious, deep down he knew he'd pay for his sins.

you try to stop your tears from pouring but it's all in jest. 'i slept with her...i'm sorry.' his icy blue eyes paralleled the cold aura suddenly filling the room. how could your boyfriend confess to you so calmly? was he so detached from you? from the situation? or from himself?

you had felt something was bothering your boyfriend the past few days and you kept pressing him for answers. never did you think it would be this. a part of you regrets for prying and the other feels freed by the truth. many had warned you that satoru wasn't the type to settle down, but you didn't listen. was this your punishment?

you bring your arms down from where they were wiping your tears previously. balling your hands into fists, you hope to get rid of the numbing feeling engulfing your entire body.

‘i really thought you loved me...’ you let out a sob. "but you're just like everyone said. a man so greedy, he forgets what he has because it always gets replaced." you look up at gojo and he swallows harshly. this is goodbye.

all gojo can do is watch your silhouette walk out the door and out of his life. 'y/n...' guilt has been eating at him for weeks. now regret and pain join in on the feast.

he has always loved you. you were the one who gave him a clean slate.

you trusted him and loved him regardless of his past affairs and rendezvous. 'you're a good man, satoru. i wish everyone else knew you like i do.' those words stayed with him always. as did your laugh, your favorite things, your embrace, your lips, and your many nights together. gojo was in every possible definition, in love with you.

of course what happened wasn’t justified. you didn’t buy his explanation for why he did it. he knows he was dead wrong.

what happened that night, should have never happened. he was furious and his entire mind was directing scenarios of you and your a co-worker you had recently gotten close to. each scene ended with you cheating and his vision was seeing a brighter shade of red each time he pictured it.

gojo was wary of this co-worker as soon as you told him. weeks would pass and you two grew closer and closer. your boyfriend started asking questions as slyly as he could. 'how old is he?' 'does he have a s/o?' his curiosity never seemed off to you and you'd gladly answer his questions.

eventually, months passed and the questions became targeted and purposeful. 'did you see him today?' 'why was he there?' and the tension came to an all time high on that dreadful night.

'where were you y/n? it's 2am.' gojo was eyeing you as he stood in the entranceway of your apartment. his posture was stiff and his arms were crossed so tightly—it appeared as if he was desperately seeking self-comfort.

'our boss invited everyone for drinks today.' you calmly responded as you removed your shoes. gojo furrowed his brows and wasn’t buying the story you were selling him.

‘until 2 in the fucking morning?’ your boyfriend was slowly raising his voice. ‘yeah, we kinda lost track of time. sorry for making you stay up so late.’ you reached out for satoru’s arm that was still crossed with the other in anger. to your surprise, he pulled back.

‘was he there?’ you retracted your hand and gave him a look of confusion. ‘was who there?’ ‘you know who i’m talking about.’ ‘babe, he’s my co-worker, of course he was invited.’

gojo couldn’t even look at you in that moment. ‘we’ve been fighting about this for days now, satoru. i told you he is just someone i work with, that’s it.’

the silver-haired man finally reciprocates eye contact. ‘someone you work with huh?’ he laughs humorlessly. ‘i’m not stupid y/n…you’ve been fucking him haven’t you?’

how could he? your heart dropped at his accusation. you never even looked at another man in that way while you’ve been together.

‘what? no! baby, i have never cheated on you!’ you desperately tried to express the truth to him, but he didn’t budge.

gojo’s angry expression never faltered. ‘all that overtime?! the phone calls and messages?! explain that!’

your co-worker did have a thing for you. you kept it professional and told him you were in a happy relationship. or so you thought.

‘i told him i’m happily taken!! you and my job have always been important to me!’ you paused as you felt your throat getting dry.

‘don’t put me in a narrative when you don’t even know the truth!!’ gojo still would not budge. how could you explain the frequent late nights you came home?

‘i know what i heard!!’ ‘if you can’t believe me, then leave satoru!’

he didn’t react a bit and brushed past you to grab his coat from the rack. ‘you’re such a delusional asshole!’ gojo heard your last words of frustration as he walked away from the apartment.

he didn’t know where he was going. it was 3am at that point—it was dark.

is she like all the rest? he thought. he ended up on a park bench and felt the crisp air. there was no denying what he heard. the voicemail that bastard left for you suggested you two were messing around.

‘do you miss me? we should repeat last night again soon.’ gojo stomach dropped as he heard the voicemail. still on the bench, he looked out onto the empty field.

you were different than all the flings he had. hell, you were completely in a different galaxy than them. he was serious and committed to making you fall in love with him everyday.

gojo eyes never wandered and he never even thought of being separated from you. he did everything for you. in his mind, you became like everyone else. you walked away as soon as you came into his life.

it’s my turn, he thought. if you were going to break his heart, so was he.

satoru pulled out his phone and opened up his contacts. he finds the number he was looking for. ‘hey, it’s gojo. you busy rn?’

and that’s how he ended up in bed with your best friend. she had given him hints that she was interested in him while you two were in a relationship. how fitting.

gojo knew this was wrong, but why did revenge feel so right?

he was falling apart on the inside; he wanted to cry for you. he wished this was you under him.

all gojo could picture was you instead of her. he wanted to feel you, not her. how is this revenge? does this event count? he thought to himself and scoffed at his fucked up way of thinking. in that heated moment, your best friend was just a vessel for his imagination.

it was you he was making love to.

after that night, gojo never spoke to your best friend again. he knew you’d find out eventually. he was torn figuring out if getting revenge made him feel better. and it didn’t, because he didn’t have you.

in a turn of events, you called him asking if you two could talk. maybe gojo would get the opportunity to confess to you himself. the final act of revenge.

an hour later, you two were seated in the living room. you came clean to him that your co-worker had feelings for you and would flirt with you on occasion. you told him that you turned him down and explained the voicemail as his weird way of teasing you about work. you even apologized to him for not understanding why he would feel suspicious of you.

how could he be so wrong? gojo didn’t know what to say. ‘do you forgive me?’ your voice snapped him out of his thoughts. you were looking at him pleadingly.

no, you've got it wrong y/n. could you forgive me? gojo felt like he was going to puke. you took his silence as a yes and pulled him in for a hug.

you smiled into his chest and squeezed him so tight. little did you know, gojo was looking down in shame.

all of this led up to the moment he confessed to you that he slept with your best friend. gojo will never forget the amount of tears that stained the wooden floor.

your relationship ended that day and he finally cried for you. he didn’t cry for the guilt and pain he felt, he cried for your pain.

days would pass and he was barely functioning. he struggled to eat and fall asleep like he used to. nanami had to stop by once a week and make sure he was still alive.

now, months have passed and he doesn’t remember a single day from them. “this isn’t normal, satoru.” nanami has reached a point where he needs to help his friend before it’s too late.

‘i know. i just need to see her.’ gojo looks up at nanami from the spot he had been sitting in for days now.

kento knew it wasn’t the greatest idea as you had already moved on. however, maybe this would be the closure his friend needs.

‘okay.’

gojo hadn’t been going out much since your breakup. only for essential purposes.

today was sunday. a day you had off from work. nanami had told him where he might be able to see you as he had bumped into you a few times in the area.

gojo looked around the town square. couples were out on dates, families were spending time together, and different aromas filled the air from the food vendors. it felt nice to be outside.

he scans the area and stops as soon as he spotted you. you’re walking hand in hand with another man. in your gorgeous sundress, you look so happy. all gojo can do is look from afar.

you look so happy y/n. gojo felt his chest tighten. you were smiling as you shared your drink with your boyfriend. you didn’t even notice him at all.

you moved on from gojo. you cried for him until there were no more tears left to fall. your heart ached and you couldn't help but blame yourself for choosing to be with satoru.

though it had only been months, you made sure you didn’t rush anything. the timing just happened to feel right for you. your now current boyfriend trusted you and believed in you. you feel content and excited for your relationship to grow stronger.

during the months gojo mourned, he realized he projected his insecurities onto you. he finally had someone good for him and he was always expecting it to come to an end. breaking your heart before you ever broke his stayed hidden in his subconscious. the phrase ‘all good things must come to an end’ had always plagued his life. he turned your relationship together into one of them.

it was bittersweet as gojo observed you two. he could heal knowing you moved on from him but, he’d never heal from hurting you.

memories will live in his mind always. gojo knows it’s not healthy to do this. but you’re more than just some ex, you’re the first person he ever really fell in love with.

gojo does not plan on getting into a new relationship for a long, long time. learning from his mistakes on his own is what's best.

as he watches you interact with your new boyfriend, he can’t help but compare.

you’ll look for men that are nothing like me, won’t you y/n? gojo couldn’t say the same for himself. he would look for only you in other people in the future. he’s cursed, forever and every day after that.

and today was sunday. ironic. to gojo, god did not exist but maybe just maybe, he was still being punished for his sins.

a/n - ahhhh besties this was supposed to be a drabble and look what happened 😩 anyways, pls let me know your thoughts !! i really wanted to try and write from his perspective instead of y/n’s

[desticuleconfessions]

hey desticule. so i have a supernatural-themed girl best friends story that i’ve wanted to share for a long time, especially because none of my irl friends ever rly understood the gravity of this experience w/o the context of spn. there’s a lot of fun parallels to stuff on the show, and its given me like years of brain rot and therapy lmao. so i really deeply appreciate this page as an outlet, thank you so much to the mods for making it. anyways uh. here goes. sorry it’s so long.

[tw: queer trauma, religious trauma, mental illness]

okay so. in 3rd grade i met this girl. we'll call her kate. we became best friends, as in our names were never spoken separately, we did (and won) every science fair together, she came skiing with my family every winter, i stayed with her family at their beach house in the summers, our younger siblings were friends, etc.

our birthdays were exactly 6 months apart (jan 22/jul 22) so we literally believed that we were celestially intertwined.

we wrote a novel together in 8th grade. her family is baptist, we attended massachusetts catholic schools. i would go to church with her family when i slept over, i held hands and said grace with them at meals. they are all tall and blonde and beautiful. classically angelic. i am south asian. i remember introducing her to harry potter in the 4th grade, her mother hadn't let her read em because it was "blasphemous", but i snuck her my copies and she would read them during lunch n recess and keep them in my locker. sorry this seems like a lot of unnecessary detail but it will be important later.

anyways we both got into doctor who and subsequentally supernatural (s1-8?9 at the time). i specifically remember getting her into supernatural. i also remember her instinctive disdain for destiel when i talked about it, i was showing her a meta or fanfic i think, and i talked her through undoing some of her christian household’s internalized homophobia (fully assuming we were both straight at this point) (we were fucking 12). we'd do the whole "bitch" "jerk" thing, i (the older one) affectionately called her 'sammy', her phone password was dean, mine was cas (and they still are). on my 13th birthday, she gifted me a samulet, which i still wear to this day. (additionally, she gave me a vonnegut 'so it goes' necklace one year) (thats not vital but) (goes to show the extent of my dean coding) (im also an aquarius lmao). im highly protective of her. i carry extra rubber bands on my wrist for her. i keep our money and phones in my jacket when the school takes us skiing. i sit next to her in the halls during lunch and organize her binder. on an 8th grade field trip, a boy made a gross comment at her and i broke his nose.

so we start high school together at coed catholic school nearby, i join debate, make a friend also into spn, she's bi. she asks kate out over text. kate's mom sees this. things turn.

now the rest of these things happened over the course of a couple months and due to my trauma memory loss, i have no idea how accurate some of these memories are so uh. don't hold me to them.

- her highly religious mother is not happy with this obviously. at some point, she brings a priest home and tries to have kate exorcised.

- at this point, we learn that kate is schizophrenic; it never seemed to create noticeable issues before bc her home life and childhood was a perfect happy dream (not an assumption, her words).

- she's still coming to school, sporadically now, i bring home her work, spend hours helping her.

- when she comes to school, she has seizures: sometimes we're fortunate enough that they happen in a class we have together. she freezes up and the teacher empties the room. i refuse to leave. i hold her hand and softly sing her favorite song and sometimes she comes back to me. sometimes she doesn’t and the bell rings and the teacher forces me to leave and let the nurse handle it.

- another time they announce a medical lockdown (to keep ppl out of the hallway if someone is being escorted to an ambulance) while im in catholicism class, i immediately know it’s her; she fainted in the pool during swim team practice.

- i stay awake for 6 days straight bc i read online that sleep deprivation induces some of the same symptoms as schizophrenia and if i could understand what she was going through, i could help her

- she shows up at my house w both of her parents 15 minutes before the winter ball, begs me to go bc her parents will only let her if i go. so i do. her mom lurks by the gym doors with the chaperones. during a slow song, kate and debate girl start to slow dance, i grab our friend’s hand, drag him in front of them so her mom can’t see and make out with him.

- i wanted to tell her to stop but i was too afraid i would lose us, that it would seem like i was homophobic or i was jealous, but i knew her in my marrow and it didn’t seem like she was in love or into the relationship, it was willful self destruction

- we talked in the last few years, she confirmed this.

- at some point, she says she’s sorry she didn’t tell me about the voices before.

- when we talk, she’s not her anymore, she doesn’t remember our inside jokes, our codes, i can feel her being slowly ripped away and apart in real time

- i have a vivid memory of arguing with her and her telling me im not real, that her mind made me up, while occasionally speaking to something? someone? else in the room. i hold her hand and point to the matching thin scars on our thumbs and try to convince her im real.

- she eventually drops out entirely, taken to some mental facility that im not entirely sure wasnt conversion therapy (it was definitely a religious facility) (and conversion therapy was not outlawed in new hampshire until 2019) and im not allowed to see her.

- every now and then i get cryptic distressing emails or texts from her.

- one in particular has the subject, “youandiwalkafragilelineihaveknownitallthistimebutineverthoughtidlivetoseeitbreak” which is the first line of the song ‘haunted’ by taylor swift (our shared favorite)(the summer after this happened we collectively decided we needed a new swift Our Song and chose ‘breathe’). the body of the email read “what the hell have i done”

- i pray for the first time in my life, every single day for a few months, in different languages, at temple with my parents, in the chapel at school

- on a club trip, i get a call at 2am from her, crying, asking me why i didn’t help her, why i didn’t stop her, that it was my job to protect her

here’s something i wrote about her, three yrs after:

I wasn’t careful enough and she caught quickly. She burned so close and so bright that for long afterwards, I could not see. And like that, she was gone. I walked into the chapel. Mea culpa. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.

[that last line is from the latin version for a catholic prayer called the act of contrition, it translates to “through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault”]

in the fall, i hear she’s starting at a small baptist school almost an hour from her house. she is dating the principal’s son. the principal is also her pastor.

in my second year of college, i have a bad acid trip in a snowy park in december. i put my hands into the snow and when i look at them,i see blood. i see her body in the snow adorned like it’s a funeral

i still have dreams about her. sometimes i meet her in a grassy field, flying kites and i invite her to my wedding. in others, i catch a glimpse of her ponytail and catholic school skirt and chase her up eight flights of stairs and when i grab her hand, she turns to ash.

at some point in a separate argument w my parents in which they went through my texts and found out i wasn’t straight (amongst other things) my dad says:“i knew i should’ve listened to [kate’s dad] when he told me the things you would talk about. he knew what you are. and he took his daughter away from you.”

last christmas we met up and drove around together, she tells me that for years she thought i hated her for letting me down and for abandoning me, and i literally have the dean winchester in ‘sacrifice’ five stages of grief when sam says “you know what i confessed in there?” because i could not even begin to fathom that she ever blamed herself. it had always been my fault. i had failed to save her. i corrupted her and i failed to save her.

anyways she’s fine now, she’s okay, im okay, we’ve talked and unpacked and we’re alright. but uh. yeah. that happened. the parallels make me crazy. now they can make you crazy too.

‎