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unpopularwiththepopulace · 3 years

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Don’t I Get a Dream for Myself ? – Bernadette Peters and the 'Gypsy' Saga

Gypsy. It’s perhaps the most daunting of all of the projects related to Bernadette Peters to try to grapple with and discuss. It’s also perhaps the most significant.

For someone notoriously guarded of her privacy and personal life, careful with her words, and selective of the questions she answers, the narrative around this show provides some of the most meaningful insights it is possible to derive in relation to Bernadette herself. The show’s ability to do this is unique, through the way it eerily parallels her own life and spans a large range in time from both Bernadette Peters the Broadway Legend, right back to where it all began with Bernadette Lazzara, the young Italian girl put into showbusiness by her mother.

The most logical place to start is at the very beginning – it is a very good place to start, after all.

(Though no one tell Gypsy this, if the fierce two-way battle with The Sound of Music at the 1960 Tony Awards is anything to be remembered. Anyway, I digress…)

Gypsy: A Musical Fable with music by Jule Styne, lyrics by Stephen Sondheim, and book by Arthur Laurents, burst into the world and onto the New York stage in May of 1959. After closing on Broadway in March 1961, Ethel Merman as the world’s original Mama Rose herself led the first national tour off almost immediately around the country. Just a few months later, a second national touring company was formed, starring Mitzi Green and then Mary McCarty as Rose, to cover more cities than the original. It is here that Bernadette comes in.

A 13-year-old Bernadette Peters found herself part of this show in her “first professional” on-the-road production, travelling across the country with her older sister, “Donna (who was also in the show), and their mother (who wasn’t)”.

The tour played through cities like Philadelphia, Chicago, New Haven, Baltimore and Las Vegas before closing in Ohio in 1962. Somewhat uncannily, its September 1961 opening night in Detroit’s Schubert Theatre even returns matters full circle to the 2003 revival and New York’s own Schubert Theatre.

Indeed this bus-and-truck tour was somewhat of a turning point for Bernadette. She’d later remember, “I mostly thought of performing as a hobby until I went on the road with Gypsy”.

But while this production seminally marked a notable moment for the young actress as well as the point where her long and consequential involvement with Gypsy begins, it’s important to recognise she was very much not yet the star of the show and then only a small part of a larger whole.

Bernadette was with the troupe as a member of the ensemble. She took on different positions in the company through the period of nearly a year that the show ran for, including billing as ‘Thelma’ (one of the Hollywood Blondes), ‘Hawaiian Girl’, and additional understudy credits for Agnes and Dainty June.

The above photo shows Bernadette (left) with another member of the ensemble (Sharon McCartin) backstage at the Chicago Opera House as one of the stops along the tour. Her comment on the stage of the Chicago theatre – “I’d never seen anything so big in my life!” – undeniably conveys how her experiences were new and appreciably daunting.

Along the tour, she assumed centre-stage once or twice as the understudy for Dainty June, but playing the young star was not her main role. Unlike what more dominant memory of the story seems to purport.

Main credits of June went instead to Susie Martin – a name and a tale of truth-bending that’s now well-known from Bernadette’s concert anecdotes. While performing her solo shows as an adult and singing from Gypsy, Bernadette has often been known to take a moment to penitently atone for historical indiscretions of identity theft or erasure where her mother long ago conveniently left out the “understudy” descriptive when putting down Dainty June on her resumé, in an effort to add weight to the teenager’s list of credits.

Whatever happened to Susie Martin? – many have wondered. Well, she soon left the theatre. But not before appearing in two more regional productions of Gypsy and a 1963 Off-Broadway revival of Best Foot Forward with Liza Minnelli and Christopher Walken.

Bernadette too went on to other regional productions of Gypsy. She spent the summer of 1962 in various summer stock stagings with The Kenley Players, like in Pennsylvania and Ohio, and this time she did indeed get to play June.

Above shows photos from different programmes for these productions. While some may have featured odd forms of photo editing, they at least also bring to attention Rose here being played by none other than Betty Hutton.

The two women couldn’t have been in more different positions when they coalesced in these rough-around-the-edges, small-scale productions. A young Bernadette was broaching summer stock in starting to take on bigger roles in the ascendency to her bright and long career. Meanwhile, Betty found herself there while navigating the descent that followed her sharp but fickle rise to Hollywood fame in the ‘40s and early ‘50s. Top billing Monday, Tuesday you really are touring in stock after all.

While details aren’t plentiful for these productions, it was recounted Betty apparently struggled in performing the role. And understandably so. Following the recent traumatic death of her mother in a house fire, and the birth of her third child shortly before the shows began, it’s not hard to see why her mind might have been elsewhere. Still, she was apparently impressed enough by the younger actress who turned in one of the show’s “creditable performances” to make comment that she would’ve liked Bernadette to play her if a movie were made about her life.

Bernadette might not have done this exactly, but she did go on to revitalise Betty’s best-known movie role, when stepping into Annie Oakley’s shoes in the 1999 Annie Get Your Gun revival. With Bernadette’s first Ethel Merman show under her belt, the ball was soon rolling on her second.

The 2003 production of Gypsy was imminently beckoning as her next successive Broadway musical and it was Arthur Laurents who lit the match to spark Bernadette’s involvement. Laurents, as the show’s original librettist, drove the revival by saying he “didn’t want to see the same Rose” he’d seen before. Going back to June Havoc’s description of her mother as “small” and a “mankiller”, and Arthur’s take that Bernadette sung the part “with more nuance for the lyrics and the character than the others”, the choice of Bernadette was justified. Moreover, “Laurents – whose idea it was to hire her – [said] going against type is exactly the point,” and Sam Mendes, as director, qualified “the tradition of battle axes in that role has been explored”.

So Bernadette also had her own baseline of innate physical similarity to the original Rose Hovick, in addition to her own first-hand memories of the women she’d acted alongside as Rose in her youth to bring into her characterisation of the infamous stage mother.

But there was a third factor beyond those as well to be considered in the personal material she had access to draw from for her characterisation. Namely, her own real life stage mother.

Marguerite Lazzara did share traits with the character of Rose. She too helped herself to silverware from restaurants, and put her daughters in showbusiness for the vicarious thrill. Marguerite had “always wanted to become an actress herself”, but had long been denied her desire by her own mother, who likened actresses to being as “close to a whore as you could be without, you know, getting on your back”.

In that case, to “escape a housewife’s dreary fate in Ozone Park”, Marguerite channelled her latent dream through her pair of young daughters instead, shepherding them out along the road. Thus was produced a trio of the two children ushered around the theatre circuit by the driven mother, forming an undeniable parallelism and a mirror image of both Bernadette’s reality and Gypsy’s core itself. Bernadette didn’t see some of these familial parallels at the time when she was a child, considering “maybe I didn’t want to see” – “didn’t want to see a mother doing that to her daughter”.

It was coming back to the show as an adult that helped Bernadette resolve who her mother was and some of the motivations that had propelled her when Bernadette was still a child. She realised, “I think she thought she was going to die very young”, as her own father died young. So “she was rushing around to get as much of her life as she could in there”.

When she herself returned to the production in playing Rose, Bernadette conceded to sometimes bringing elements of her mother and her driven energy into her portrayal, and admitted too she looked “like her a lot in the role”. You can assess any familial resemblances for yourself, from the images below that show a young Marguerite next to Bernadette in costume as Rose, and then with the pair backstage in 1961 in a dressing room on the tour.

Marguerite was ambitious. From her own personal position and with the restrictions imposed upon her, it was ambition that materialised through her children. Irrevocably, she altered them. She placed Bernadette on TV as a very young child (“I was four when my mother put me in the business”); changed her daughter’s surname (“She told me my real name was too long for the marquees,” or really – “too Italian”); doctored her resumé (“Somehow the word ‘understudy’ vanished. ‘No one will know,’ said Marguerite”); and lightened her hair (“She’d say, ‘Oh, I’m just putting a little conditioner on it.’ But slowly my hair got blonder and blonder!”). All in the hope of giving her child a more favourable chance at the life she’d always wanted for herself.

On paper, a classic stage mother. “When I was a kid, she fulfilled herself through me,” Bernadette would say. “She put me into show business so she could get a taste of the life herself.”

But it’s important to consider Bernadette often qualifies that her mother wasn’t as brutal as Rose, nor was she herself as traumatised as June.

Bernadette didn’t begrudge her mother for her choices – at least by the time she was an adult, she’d rationalised them, explaining “naturally it was more exciting [for her] to go on the road with me than staying home and keeping house”.

As a child, Bernadette hadn’t necessarily wanted to be on stage, but there was a sense of ambivalence – not resentful belligerence – as she “didn’t care one way or the other” when she found herself there.

Like June, Bernadette may have been entered into and coaxed around a path she hadn’t voluntarily chosen. But unlike June, Bernadette had a deal with her mother that “she had only to say the word”, and she could leave.

Most crucially, she never did.

But that’s not to say Bernadette was enamoured with acting from the beginning.

She seemed to feel ‘outside’ of that world and those in it. And others saw it too.

It was in 1961 in Gypsy that Bernadette first met Marvin Laird – her long-time accompanist, conductor and arranger. The way he put it, he “noticed this one young girl, very close with her mother” who, during breaks, “didn’t mix much with the other girls”.

Beneath the effervescent stage persona, there’s a quieter and more reserved reality, and a sense of separation and solitary division.

When asked by Jesse Green in 2003 for the extensive profile in The New York Times if she thought her experiences on the road in Gypsy were good for her at that age, she gives a curious, somewhat abstract, predominantly dark, potentially macabre, response. He wrote:

She doesn’t answer at first but seems to scan an image bank just behind her eyes for something to lock onto. Eventually she comes out with a seeming non sequitur. “I didn’t know how to swim. I remember, in Las Vegas, I fell in, once, and they thought I was flailing, but I felt like: ‘It’s pretty down here!’ I might have been dying and I was thinking: ‘Look at the pretty color!’ And suddenly my fear of water was gone, and I could have stayed in forever.” After a while, I realize she’s answered my question. Then she dismisses the image: “But I had to get my hair dry for the show that day, so up I came.”

I’m still not entirely sure I know what she’s trying to convey here. My interpretation of this anecdote changes as I have re-visited and re-examined it on multiple occasions at different time points. It’s arguably multiply polysemic.

Was she simply swept up in a moment of childlike distraction, lost in the temporary respite alone away from the usual noise and clamour? Was she indicating comprehension that her feelings and perspectives came secondary to any practical necessities and inevitable responsibilities? Was she using the water to depict a muffling and fishbowl-like detachment from others her age who got to live more ‘ordinary’ lives in the ‘normal’ world above that she felt separate from? Was she referencing the pretty colours she saw as a metaphor for show business and how she became bewitched by them even despite potential dangers? Was she trying to legitimately drown herself, or at least exhibiting an ambivalence again as to whether she lived or died, because of what the highly pressurised demands on her felt like?

The underlying sentiment through her response in answer to Green’s primary question was that, in essence – no. Being a child actor was not “over all, a good experience for a youngster”.

Acting might have been something she fell in love with over time, but not all at once, not right from the beginning, and not without noting its perils.

It was a matter of accidental circumstance that landed Bernadette in the show business world to begin with at such a young age in the first place – “I just found myself here,” she would offer.

Her mother, who was “always crazy about the stage”, “insisted” that her sister, Donna take lessons in singing, dancing and acting.

A further point of interest to note is that, although it was Bernadette with her new surname who would grow up to be the famous actress, look to the cast lists from the 1961 touring production of Gypsy that featured both sisters in the company (see photo below) and you’ll find no ‘Lazzara’ in sight. Donna too, appearing under the novel moniker of “Donna Forbes”, had also already become stagified (nay, ethnically neutralised?) by her mother. As such it is clearly demonstrated that Marguerite’s intention at that point was to make stars of both her daughters. Correspondingly so, when her sister returned from her performance lessons some years before, “Donna would come home and teach me what she had learned,” Bernadette remembered. She may have gotten her “training second hand”, but the key element was that she got it.

For Bernadette, it was a short jump from emulating magpied tricks from her sister as well as routines from Golden Age Busby Berkeley musicals on the ‘Million Dollar Movie’ in front of the TV screen, to her mother getting her on the other side of the screen and actually performing on TV itself – belting out Sophie Tucker impressions aged five for all the nation to see.

The photos below show Bernadette in performative situations at a young age (look for criss-crossed laces in the second for identification).

“At first, as a toddler, Bernadette enjoyed performing; it came naturally, a form of play that people inexplicably liked to watch.” It was “just a hobby” and she “wanted to do it”.

But while she may not have detested it, she didn’t entirely comprehend what was going on either. “I didn’t even know I was on TV,” she said. “I didn’t know that those big gadgets pointed at me were cameras and that they had anything to do with what people saw on the television set.”

When she started gaining more of an awareness of how “such play [was being] co-opted for commercial purposes”, she grew less enthralled. “She didn’t care for the bizarre children, accompanied by desperate mothers, she began to see at auditions: ‘They spent their whole time smiling for no reason, you know?’”

Being a child who had become sentient of being a child performer began to grow wearisome and grating to the young girl who had her equity card, a professional (and strange, new) stage name, and an increasingly long list of expectations by the time she was nine. There’s a keen sense she did not enjoy being in such a position: “I wouldn’t want to be a child again. When you’re a child, you have thoughts, but nobody listens to you. Nobody has any respect for you”.

Gypsy did indeed mark a turning point for Bernadette as mentioned above – but not just in the way that seems obvious. Looking back at it now, it does appear the monumental turning point at which she started appearing in significant and reputable productions, beginning what would be the foundation to her ‘professional’ career. However it was also the turning point after which she nearly quit the business altogether.

When she returned from performing in Gypsy, Bernadette felt like she’d had enough. One way of putting it was that she “then retired from the business to attend high school”, wanting to have some semblance of a normal scholastic experience “without the interruptions”. But whatever dissatisfaction she was feeling as an early adolescent on stage, she didn’t resolve at school – going as far as saying that while at Quintano’s School for Young Professionals, “she was in pain”.

“When you’re a teenager you’re too aware of yourself,” she recalled. Being a teen and trying to come to terms with of the expectation of the ‘60s that “you are supposed to look like Twiggy, and you don’t, you feel everything is wrong about you”. Everything “was all about tall, skinny, no chest…[and] hair straight”. Little Bernadette with her “mass of [curly] hair and distracting bosom”, as Alex Witchel put it, was never going to fit that mould. “That was not me,” she stated. “At all.”

Her self-consciousness grew to the point that it became overwhelming and asphyxiating. “I was trying desperately to blend in and be normal, but that doesn’t allow creativity to come out,” Bernadette said. “I knew I was acting terrible. The words were sticking in my mouth and all I could think about was how I looked”. It was hard enough just to look at herself (“I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror”), let alone to have other people gawk at her on stage. So she stopped trying. She “didn’t work much from age 13 to 17” in the slightest. Bernadette would later reflect in 1981 in an atypically open and vulnerable interview, “I was very insecure. Insecurity is poison. It’s like wearing chains”.

It was a combination of factors that helped her overcome these feelings of such toxic and weighty burden to draw her back into the public world of performing and the stage. “The two people who helped her most, she says, were David LeGrant, her first acting teacher, and her vocal coach, Jim Gregory.” Jim helped with “[opening] a whole creative world for [her] with singing”; and it was David who’d give her the now infamous and often (mis)quoted line about individuality and being yourself.

Having these kinds of lessons, she reasoned, was “really a wonderful emotional outlet for a kid of 17”. The process of it all was beneficial for her therapeutically – “you have a lot of emotions at that time in your life, and it was great to go to an acting class and use them up”. And Bernadette felt freer on stage than she did out on her own in the ‘real world’, saying “[up there] I don’t have to worry about what I’m doing or saying because I’m doing and saying what I’m supposed to be doing and saying”.

Finally then and with considerable bolstering and support, she grew comfortable with the notion of being visible on stage and in public, and realised she was never going to blend in as part of the chorus so it was simply better to let go of such a futile pursuit.

David LeGrant’s guiding advice to Bernadette (“You’ve got to be original, because if you’re like everyone else, what do they need you for?”) wasn’t just a trite aphorism. For her, it was a life raft. It was the key mental framing device that allowed her to comprehend for the first time that she might actually have intrinsic value as herself. And that it was imperative she let herself use it.

She had always stuck out, yes, but she had to learn how to want to be seen – talking of it as a conscious “choice” she had to make when realising she did “have something to offer”.

Thus soon after Bernadette graduated, she stepped back into productions like in summer stock and then Off-Broadway as she made her debut at that next theatrical level at 18. It wasn’t long before she was discovered in what’s seen as her big break in the unexpected smash hit, Dames at Sea. And so Bernadette Peters, the actress, was back. And she was back with impact and force.

Besides, as she’s also said, she couldn’t do anything else – “if I ever had to do something else to earn a living, I’d be at a total loss”. An aptitude test as a teenager told her so apparently, when she “got minus zero in everything except Theater Arts”. So that was that. Her answer for what she would’ve done if she’d never found acting is both paradoxically exultant and macabre – “I don’t know, probably shot myself!”

Flippant? Maybe. Trivial? No.

Acting is thus undoubtedly related highly to Bernadette’s sense of purpose and self-worth. This is what makes it even more apparent that a show with such personal and historical connections for her, as in Gypsy, was going to be so consequential and impactful to be a part of again as an adult and perform on a public stage.

She’s called inhabiting the role of Rose in the 2003 revival many things: “deeply personal”, “life changing”, “like going through therapy” – to name a few.

In interviews regarding Gypsy and playing the main character, when asked what she had learnt, Bernadette would frequently say something like, “It taught me a lot”. Pressed further about specifics, her answers often hem close to vague platitudes as she maintains her normal tendency of endeavouring to keep her privacy close to her chest.

On one occasion, she actually elaborated somewhat on what she’d learnt, giving a fuller answer than the question is normally afforded anyhow. Beyond all it revealed to her about her mother, she extended to admitting “my capacity for love and my capacity for anger” as aspects in her that the show had permanently altered. Moreover, Rose to her was undoubtedly the “most rewarding and fulfilling acting experience” she had ever had.

But while such deep, personal and emotional depths and memories were being stirred up beneath the surface in private, she was getting vilified in public singularly and repeatedly by New York Post columnist, Michael Riedel.

Even before she’d set foot on stage, Riedel set forth in motion early in the 2003 season a campaign of vocal and opinionated defamation against Bernadette as Rose that she was miscast, insufficiently talented, and would be incapable of executing the role.

Too small, too delicate, too weak, too many curves (and too much knowledge of how to use them). Not bold enough, not loud enough – not Merman enough. Chatter and speculative dissent begun to grow in and around the Broadway theatres.

For such a prestigious and historic musical theatre role, it was always going to be hard to erase the large shadow of an original Merman mould. Ethel was woven into the very fabric of the show, with the rights to Gypsy Rose Lee’s memoirs being obtained at her behest in the first place, and the idiosyncrasies of her voice having been written into the songs themselves by their very authors.

To step out from such a domineering legacy would be a marked challenge at the best of times. Let alone when battling a respiratory infection.

Matters of public perception were certainly not helped when Bernadette then got ill as the show started its preview period and she started missing early performances.

Nor did it help with critical perception that the Tony voting period coincided so synchronously with Gypsy’s first opening months – giving Bernadette no time to recover, find her feet, and settle more healthily into the show for the rest of the run before the all important decisions were made by that omnipotent committee.

The tale of her illness is actually undercut by a more innocent and unsuspecting origin than you’d expect from all the drama and trouble it engendered. Bernadette decided nearing the show’s opening to treat herself to a manicure. In the salon, she was next to a woman very close to her with a frightful sounding cough. Who could’ve known then that this anonymous and inconspicuous lady through a fateful cause-and-event chain would go on to play such a part in what is among the biggest and most enduring Tony Awards “She was robbed!” discourses? Or even more broadly – in also arguably playing a hand in the closure and financial failure of an $8.5 million Broadway show after its disappointing performance at the Tony Awards that ominously “[spelled] trouble at the box office” and led to its premature demise?

Bernadette did not win the Best Actress in a Musical Tony that night on June 6th 2004. The award went instead (not un-controversially) to newcomer Marissa Jaret Winokur for Hairspray.

She did however give one of the most indelibly resonant and frequently re-referenced solo performances at the awards show just before she lost – defying detractors to comprehend how she could be unworthy of the accolade with a rendition of ‘Rose’s Turn’ that has apocryphally earned one of the longest standing ovations seen after such a performance even to date.

Even further and even more apocryphally, she reportedly did so while still under the weather as legend as circulated by musical theatre fans goes – performing “against doctor’s orders” with stories that have her being “afflicted with anything from a 103-degree fever, to pneumonia, to a collapsed lung”.

Seeing then as unfortunately there is no Tony Award speech to draw on here, matter shall be retrieved fittingly from that which she gave just a few years earlier in 1999 for her first win and previous Ethel Merman role in Annie Get Your Gun to wrap all of this together.

As has been illustrated, there are many arguably scary or alarming aspects in Bernadette’s Gypsy narrative. There’s undeniably much darkness and an ardent clamouring for meaning and self-realisation along the road that tracks her journey parallel to the show. But unlike Rose’s hopeless decries of “Why did I do it?” and “What did it get me?”, there was a point for Bernadette.

As her emotional tribute in 1999 went: “I want to thank my mother, who 48 years ago put me in showbusiness. And I want to finally, officially, say to her – thank you. For giving me this wonderful experience and this journey.”

Whatever all of this was, maybe it was worth it after all.

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thanksjro · 3 years

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Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours. 

After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

--------------------------

COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY

#transformers #bayverse #part one #maccadam #Hannzreads #Hannzwatches #text post #long post #film analysis #off topic

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extremelyblackandwhite · 4 years

Text

innocence - 20

PAIRING: bodyguard!bucky barnes x innocent actress!reader

WARNINGS: age gap

A/N: enjoy xxx

NEXT CHAPTER

Y/N was sat on the floor of her bathroom, leaned against the absurd quantity of objects barricading her door. She would be alright, she would be alright. Only someone with super strength could break through it ... or an axe. As that thought crossed her head all she could think of was of a little memory of her childhood. She and her younger brother had padded down the stairs to where his parents were watching a movie she would later learn it was the Shinning. She couldn’t forget the scream she had let out as she saw Jack break through the door using an axe and right now, right now all she could think of was that, something breaking through her door and harming her.

She looked at everything in her bathroom thinking of what she could use as a weapon to defend herself. Suddenly her friends back home forcing her to choose reusable razors were her best of friends. She could probably arm someone with the razor blade or try to stab them with eyebrow scissors. Bucky had once told her the damage doesn’t need to be big, only in the right place.

She continued to stay sat down, mumbling to herself she would be fine until she heard footsteps. They were loud, heavy and echoey. Her breathing stopped, hands over her mouth fully knowing any sound would give away her location. However was walking in her flat kept walking and the steps got closer and closer until there was a knock on her door.

- Y/N? Y/N, it’s Steve. Open the door. - her heart returned to beating, breath normalising as she broke through her barricade, opening the door. It was really Steve, standing in front of her and was this another situation, she wouldn’t know what to act but right now, right now he was the best thing that could’ve arrived.

Steve however seemed to lose colour to his face as the mirror became visible to him. Bucky hadn’t told him what was written in the mirror and if he didn’t know, he wouldn’t definitely be pleased about it.

- I checked the flat, there’s no one here. Whoever wrote that isn’t inside the flat, you’re safe. - he put his hands in his back pocket, seemingly conflicted of what to do or what to say. His eyes whoever were glued on those words, scribbled in big letters, tarnishing her reflection. He felt guilty for those words he had told her, maybe Bucky was right in being mad at him. - Do you want some tea? Yeah, you should get some tea, maybe some food?

- I really don’t want any of that.

- It’ll help you calm down.

- I’m calm! - the words came harsher than she anticipated, tears pooling at her eyes as she turned her head away from him. However, turning his head away from him meant looking straight into the mirror, those words in front of her, written across her forehead only added salt to injury. She held her hair, trying to hold in the tears. No, she was not going to cry, she was not going to cry.

- Hey ... - Steve pulled her in for a hug. - It’s okay. I’ll make you some tea and we’ll wait for Bucky. I promise no one is gonna come in and harm you.

- I don’t want Bucky to see me like this. - she wiped the tears with her back of her hand.

- It’s okay, just come with me okay? - Steve took her by the hand to the kitchen but not before locking the bathroom door. He’d deal with that later. Walking into the kitchen, things looked normal. Everything looked so normal, Steve wondered how someone could’ve easily entered her flat. - You can wash your face in the sink, it’ll hopefully reduce some puffiness and the red eyes. I’ll put on the kettle and we’ll have a tea, okay?

She didn’t reply to him, merely nodding before making way to the sink in the skin. Shaky hands reached to the tap, moving it and causing the cold water to start streaming. Her mind got lost in sound, not wanting to get lost in her insecurities. The sound of water running, water boiling in the kettle and the cold feeling of the water against her warm skin. She felt like crying again. She shouldn’t be crying, she shouldn’t be a cry baby, she told herself. The water kept running, being slashed onto her face occasionally until the sound of the kettle on the background ceased.

Turning off the tap, she wiped her face clean with some kitchen towel before turning to face Steve who held one of her mother’s Christmas’ mugs up to her. She had that mug for what felt like ages now, the painting was starting to chip and there were English Breakfast tea stains on the bottom yet she couldn’t let go of it. She couldn’t let go of the only thing which seemed to make her feel as if she could control her life in a house filled with agency bought furniture.

- Is Bucky coming?

- Yes, he is. Just stuck in traffic. Brooklyn traffic is quite bad. - he chuckled, trying to break the ice. - We once got jammed in it when we were trying to leave Coney Island. Bucky hadn’t told his ma and she gave him an earful.

- Was it worth it? - she laughed of the thought of Bucky getting reprimanded by his mother.

- Yeah, he made me ride the Cyclone over and over again until I threw up and then tried to bribe me with ice cream.

- I know, he told me. - she smiled at Steve, taking him off guard. Bucky had talked with her about him? He wasn’t expecting that. Bucky barely spoke to him after the incident at the compound, if he did it was normally because he had no choice and if he were to guess he would say the two of them would probably be bad mouthing him behind his back.

- Wh ...

- Y/N. - she turned her head to the familiar voice, jumping from her seat when she saw Bucky standing in the kitchen, catching his breath in a white wife beater shirt and light grey yoga trousers. She wrapped her arms around him, letting his warmth involve her as he kissed the top of her head, arms supporting her against him. His eyes roamed the room, falling on Steve. - What are you doing here? Where’s Sam?

- Sam had his meeting ... I offered to come check on Y/N instead.

- How nice. - the sarcasm rolled off his tongue, something which came by unappreciated by Y/N who looked up at him with disapproval in her eyes.

- You should probably take her to a hotel for a few nights, maybe your Brooklyn flat? I can get Natasha and Tony to come take a look at her flat, look at the security cameras, scan for fingerprints.

- I can protect her, I don’t need your help.

- Can I show you something? - Steve remained his regular calm self, arms crossed over his chest as he motioned with his head towards the bathroom. Bucky was reluctant to get away from her, afraid if he let go something would happen to her. She, on the other hand, pulled away from him, giving him a reassuring look. His hand unlaced from hers as he followed Steve onto the bathroom.

He expected broken glass, artefacts that would show a break in but as Steve opened the door, the bathroom was intact. There was no broken glass, no forced entry just the word Slut scribbled all over her mirror. His blood boiled, fists clenching as he went to grab a towel to scrub it of the mirror but Steve stopped him.

- We need to examine it, first. It’s no good scrubbing it off. Right now, you need to take her out of here. We’re not sure how the person got in or how he got out, if there’s a blind spot he might try to use it again. Go to a hotel, register under one of your old alternate identities or to your Brooklyn flat.

- Yeah ... uhum ... you’ll sort it from here or should I drop her off in Brooklyn and return?

- Go be with your girlfriend, Bucky. - Steve smirked at the word, not remembering the time he had called anyone Bucky’s girlfriend.

- Should I pack? - Y/N poked between the two friends.

- No, I’ll ... I mean, I’ll get Sam to drop some of your stuff wherever you guys go.

- Thanks, Steve. - the actress gave him a quick hug before disappearing onto the kitchen to grab her bag and phone.

- I’ll see you around?

Bucky didn’t reply, instead turning on his heel and leaving the blonde hero in the bathroom. He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t want to say anything and so he left him there, instead walking to the kitchen and taking Y/N by the hand. She thought better not to say anything until they were in the car.

- What happened between you and Steve? - she asked once they were stuck on the traffic leading back to Brooklyn.

- Nothing happen between me and Steve, princess. - his eyes were glued onto the road, hands gripping onto the steering wheel.

- Really? Because if my best friend of more than fifty asked me a question, I wouldn’t just leave.

- It’s really nothing, Y/N. He was rude to you and he didn’t apologise, that’s all.

- No that’s not all. - she turned her head to face him. - At least it doesn’t feel like that’s the only reason. Do you wanna tell me? Is it because he was the first one on the flat?

- No, listen ... Y/N, it’s complicated.

- Do you want to be mad at Steve?

- It’s more complicated than that, princess.

- It’s a yes or no question, Buck.

Bucky sighed, turning the wheel towards Brooklyn once the traffic cleared. The conversation ended there but it didn’t end in her mind. She didn’t want Bucky to be mad at Steve because of her, or him to be mad at Steve at all. Yet, she wasn’t going to push his buttons, she knew better so she just put her hand on his tight, head tilted against her own shoulder, watching his wild blue eyes on the road. The drive seemed longer as he tried not to look at her. He didn’t want her to get caught up in whatever he was dealing with Steve. Maybe it was wrong of him to get mad Steve due to things he had bottled up for years, yet, he just couldn’t help it. He wasn’t a baby, he wasn’t a cripple, he shouldn’t be treated like one.

He drove up to his street, exiting the car first to check if there was any danger before opening the door to her. She looked around the neighbourhood, it was rather picturesque. Open large streets with close by apartments with little trees in front. It was the type of neighbourhood you would see in a coming of age movie.

- Come on. - he took her hand in his, walking her to his flat building. She stargazed at everything, watching the beautiful doors and matts until she reached Bucky’s door, the only door without an entry mat. - Listen, before you get it, you should know ... it’s not the best flat in the world. I’m still ... doing some things.

- I’m sure it’s charming.

- If you don’t like it, we can go into a hotel. I want you to be ...

- James. - she interrupted his rambling. - I’m sure it’s great.

- Okay ... - Bucky insecurely opened the door of his flat, pushing it open with his feet to allow her in.

She furrowed her brows as she entered the empty home. There was no furniture, just boxes and a furnished kitchen, possibly bought that way. Now she understood why he was so insecure about opening the door, while she had too much in her flat, he had too little. Y/N moved further into his flat, opening the first door she saw which proved to be his bedroom and her heart shattered. There was no bed, just mattress on the floor and a few notebooks surrounding it. No pillows, no sheets. Nothing.

- Uh .. we can buy you a bed. Whatever bed you’d like. - Bucky came up from behind her, kissing her shoulder.

- Bucky, how long have you had this flat?

- For a while now ... I know it doesn’t look good but I was thinking about buying some paint ... Yet, I don’t really know if I get to be like this for a while.

- What do ... Oh. - she turned around and placed her hands on her shoulder, giving him a slow, soft kiss. - You’re not going back to that. I know you’re not, you’re strong. This is your home, you should treat it like a home.

- Princess, I don’t need much.

- Well but if you don’t get a bed, I’m afraid I won’t sleep with you. Sounds dangerous. I don’t want to end up in A&E and explain to the nurse that my spine is cracked because my boyfriend doesn’t have a bed.

- Holding sex? That’s a low move, princess.

- IKEA. We need to go to IKEA.

- Are you sure you don’t want to rest? I mean, you just wen ...

- We could get meatballs. - she interrupted him, clapping happily. - Meatballs and home shopping, it’s gonna be marvellous.

- Y/N, we can order in meatballs.

- But not IKEA meatballs. Come on Bucky, it’ll be fun! It’s like playing the Sims but in real life.

- I’m not gonna question you about what the Sims is. - he smiled at her excitement, pulling a strand of her hair behind her ear. - Are you sure you don’t want to test the mattress? I think I can make you like the bare mattress.

- I know, love. That’s exactly why I’m not gonna try the mattress. - she held onto his shirt, little smile on her lips. - But I do think you need to change out of your pyjamas and maybe put some shoes on.

- You’re being awfully demanding of me, Ms. Y/N. I might have to punish you later.

- Bed first and then you can do whatever you want.

taglist: @disasterbii @lookiamtrying @buckysteveloki-me @americasass81 @jamesbarnesappreciationclub @lostinthebeans @mariahthelioness29 @buckyandsebastian @peaches-roses-sins @theadorasabditory @sipsteacasually @saiyanprincessswanie @booktease21 @noiralei @learisa @everythingisoverratedbutgreat @uglipotata72829 @naturalthrone22 @husherstan @mandiiblanche @vicmc624 @newyorkgoddess @itsallyscorner @chipilerendi @emzd34 @writerwrites @bluevxnus @that-girl-named-alex @captnrogers @nsfwsebbie @sarge-barnes-sir

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pandoraborn · 4 years

Text

Cruelty of the Beast - Part 6

( previous. )

Characters: c!Tommy, c!Wilbur Word count: 1896 words Content: wilbur soot & tommyinnit are siblings, reference to abuse, reference to torture, reference to death, healing, wilbur makes amends,

------------

Wilbur’s walking too fast for Tommy to keep up, he has to actually jog just to remain a step or two behind the man. It’s not hard to figure out where they’re going; they’re easily headed for some beach.

Tommy doesn’t want to be here. He wants to at least stay in the cabin if he’s to stay put anywhere, but Wilbur had given him a shovel and an axe and told Tommy to follow. There’s never much of a choice with an order like that.

Wilbur also hasn’t spoken to Tommy in close to an hour now. The trek is long, but it’s also a torture all on its own. Tommy doesn’t do well with silence, fearing that Wilbur is silently judging him or sizing him up. He feels very much like he’s marching toward his own demise.

He very well may be.

Keeping his gaze down, Tommy tightens his grip on the handle of the shovel, trying to keep focused on staying right behind Wilbur, ignoring how much his legs are hurting.They’re passing by abandoned portals, portals they could easily light. The idea that there would be paths waiting for them on the other side is a far-fetched idea though; they’re too far out from any sort of civilization.

After what feels like forever, Wilbur finally stops. Tommy stops next to him, peering out at the water. It’d be so easy to craft a boat and sail out toward escape, but that would just be more isolation and loneliness. The potential escape isn’t worth that.

“Grab as much sand as you can carry in your inventory,” Wilbur explains. “We’re going to have to make another trip, possibly to a desert, but this is good enough.” He offers Tommy a smile. It’s reminiscent of the old Wilbur, the one that ran L’Manburg with all the pride and charisma he used to possess. There are shades of it again, but not enough to induce an illusion that this is good. Nothing about this situation is good. Ranboo and Dream had also disappeared some time ago, and there’s no telling when they’ll be back.

“What are we grabbing sand for?” Tommy asks to fill the silence. He’s already at work, grabbing sand and filing it away into his backpack. It’s messy and coarse, already getting into his shoes. “This already sucks.”

"Explosives,” comes the casual reply. Too casual for Tommy’s liking. He’d already had an idea, but the fact that Wilbur wants them both to fill their inventories, and then make a second trip scares Tommy. Narrowing his eyes, he pauses in his digging to lean against the shovel.

“Why are you doing this Wilbur? Why do you and Dream want to hurt everyone so bad? Why am I even here?”

“Instead of me answering those questions, can I ask you a few questions instead?” Wilbur too pauses, pressing his hands together as he studies Tommy with a pensive expression. “Please, be as honest with me as possible, alright?”

“No promises.” A nod signals for Wilbur to go ahead, however.

“Are you happy with your life right now?”

It’s a very pointed question that has Tommy flinching back. Instinct would have him deflecting or changing the subject entirely, but Wilbur looks like he’s waiting patiently for an answer. This isn’t the revived Wilbur, this is the one that had been Tommy’s closest friend for the longest time... brothers, even.

Part of him is tempted to lie, but that would be pointless. They’d talked endlessly in the void, with Tommy bitching every moment he could about how unfair his life had become. Wilbur knows him far too well.

“No,” Tommy finally mutters, turning away. “I’m not happy, but you knew that.”

“Is there anyone, any single person you trust and want to go back to?”

Tommy thinks of Tubbo, then of Puffy. He and Tubbo are still too awkward around each other, not having had a proper conversation since the final showdown with Dream. Sure they’d spoken a few times, but nothing deeper than arguments over where to live.

Puffy had made some promises, but he doesn’t know her from Sam, and Sam had broken his promise completely. With his shoulders slumping, Tommy shakes his head. Everything about this conversation is fucked up, and they both know it.

“Are you afraid of me?” Wilbur’s not ending his line of questioning anytime soon. This is the one question Tommy doesn’t really want to answer.

“Yes.”

“I see.” Wilbur falls silent as he turns away, going back to the task of gathering sand into his own backpack. The silence stretches between them, and Tommy feels it like a cold sweat on his back. It’s just as piercing as Wilbur’s questions, just as numbing as the afterlife. Silent, too, if the ringing in his ears is anything to go by. Even the lapping of the waves isn’t enough to snap him back to reality.

“Do you remember when we were younger?” Wilbur finally asks. The silence doesn’t snap Tommy back, but Wilbur’s voice does. Always a source of calm, always there to keep him grounded. It’s aggravating, this effect Wilbur has over him. Annoying and comforting at the same time.

“I don’t remember much anymore, Wilbur,” Tommy responds. “I remember wars and death and everything I worked for going up in smoke.”

“You don’t remember you and me?” Wilbur’s facing him again, wearing that ugly serene smile on his face. “You don’t remember how I used to read to you?”

“Vaguely.” It’s a dismissive answer, because Tommy wants to squash anything friendly out of his mind. The less he associates with Wilbur, the sooner they can end this game and he can go back home to his dirt house. “That was a long time ago, Wil.”

“It was our favorite activity.” Wilbur actually sounds sad. Tommy can’t tell if it’s acting or genuine, but he’s being drawn in anyway. Part of him wants to throw his arms around Wilbur and comfort him. A strong, loud part of him is already moving closer.

“I remember our favorite book was ‘The Hobbit’,” Wilbur continues. “I also read the Lord of the Rings trilogy to you a couple of times. You were so cute, hanging on every word. Simple times, Tommy. The best times.”

“I don’t have any best times,” Tommy snaps. “Like I said, I remember lots of wars. Lots of fighting and people dying. You died. I died, and now you kidnapped me. Why are you trying to butter me up? Wilbur this is so fucked.”

“I know. I messed up Toms. I messed up so many times, especially with you. Even now, I know what I did was cruel and stupid. I promise, if you give me one more chance, I’ll make it all up to you. No more pain, no more agony. You’ll have a support system-”

“Do I have to remind you of Dream?” Tommy snarls. His voice cracks as he speaks. “He’s the one who fucking killed me, remember? He had me exiled, he tortured me. And you come in like you know exactly what all took place!”

“Tommy I was dead. Had I been able to stop him, I would have. You know I would never condone anyone hurting you. I don’t like that you’ve been hurt the way you have been. I hate it more than anyone, trust me!”

“You still died and left me alone. If you weren’t so selfish, neither of us would be in this position! My life went to shit ever since you died, you don’t get to stand there and tell me you hate it.”

“I wasn’t good for the server. I wasn’t good for you. I thought that if I was gone, things for you would improve. I thought you would’ve won, that Dream wouldn’t have hurt you, or that your friendships would be strained.”

“Stop, stop!” This is embarrassing. Tommy’s crying, standing there in front of Wilbur and sounding like a petulant child. “Stop talking! Stop making me relive everything, okay? You weren’t there, you don’t get to act like you know what happened. It was shit. Everything was shit, everything is still fucking garbage, and now I’m stuck living with the one person who hurt me, thanks to you.”

“Toms. My Tommy...” Wilbur has tears of his own in his eyes. With his shovel falling into the sand, he gathers Tommy in his arms. Tommy doesn’t resist, because everything about this hug means something. It’s an actual, loving hug, and not a ploy at manipulation. He can feel it in the way Wilbur is holding him, rocking bath and forth with tiny hiccups. “Tommy I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m so sorry you were hurt and cast aside by everyone. I’m here now, alright? It’ll be me and you, just like it’s always been.”

Tommy sniffles as he leans into Wilbur. He’s not returning the embrace, but Wilbur feels so warm. It’s been so long since anyone had hugged him like this, or just loved him. He wants to savor this feeling.

“All your long years we’ve been friends,” Wilbur whispers. “Trust me as you once did.”

“You want me to let it all go?” Tommy finally wraps his arms around Wilbur. “I don’t even know what to let go of.”

“All the pain, Tommy. “All the pain, trauma, abuse. All your attachments. Even the memories. With us, you won’t hurt anymore. Dream won’t touch you, and Ranboo is your friend. I’ll be your brother, okay?”

“...let it all go...” Tommy relaxes more into Wilbur’s embrace. Slowly, his arms come up to rest against Wilbur’s back. “Let everything I had go, right?”

“I’m here again. I won’t leave you. I promise you Toms. Tommyinnit, gremlin child. Vice President, and my best friend, brother...”

“Don’t overdo it now,” Tommy jokes under his breath. It earns a chuckle from both of them. The laughter helps him feel normal, like maybe everything really will be okay. This doesn’t feel like an indoctrination, really. Wilbur isn’t evil. Maybe he’s got some misguided beliefs, but Tommy missed him. There’s no one that can fill the void in his heart like Wilbur can.

“Point is, it’s you and me against the world,” Wilbur continues. “We won’t count the other two yet, so we’ll stick with just us, alright? When all this is over, I’ll read to you again. Any book of your choosing.”

“Will you read me The Hobbit again?“ Tommy pulls back enough to blink slowly at Wilbur. His vision is still wet with tears, but he’s cheering up. “And maybe we can watch the movies together?”

“Absolutely. Anything for you, alright?”

“Then I trust you.”

“And?”

“And...I’ll stay by your side.” Tommy nods.

There are matching sighs from the pair, with them looking awkwardly at each other for a moment. Then, with a blush, Tommy picks up his shovel again and preparing to dig up more sand.

“I still don’t get why we have to do this,” Tommy grumbles.”

“Tell you what, after we get back to the cabin, I’ll let you blow up the surrounding area. You’ve earned yourself a few explosions to vent your anger.”

His excitement is barely contained, with him moving faster and shoveling even more dirt. Okay, the situation as a whole might still be fucked, but Tommy can’t resist playing with fire. As a treat.

#long post #dream smp #dream smp fanfiction #tommyinnit #wilbur soot #c!tommy #c!wilbur #cruelty of the beast #cruelty of the beast part 6 #mention of trauma #mention of abuse #mention of torture #mention of death #healing #wilbur and tommy are brothers #wilbur makes amends #tommy misses wilbur #miishae writes

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soc-characters-as-songs · 3 years

Note

Top oc quotes?

challenge by challenge:

pc:

"good for him!" - ramona, upon finding out raffy was holding a selection

"we both know this wasn’t forever. I have to go and actually film the movie eventually, you know?” - diego

“oh, weed. what a great christmas gift.” - andreia

"taxes." - andreia's dad, when she asked him if he was working on anything interesting.

“only postmen find love in the mail" - andreia's sister when she learned about the selection process

“does this mean andreia is marrying the king? do we have to invite him over for dinner? do you think he’d want to see my plane collection?” - andreia's younger brother matthew

"not for love or money. or grass.” - rhea when gus asked her for a kiss

“so what, that makes me your- your drug dealer you occasionally hang out with?” - gus when rhea says she doesn't have friends

"is murder still illegal?” - diana

"will it soften the blow if I say that I only heard it?" - bianca after meredith asks if she saw her fall down the stairs

"I’m fine, I promise. the only thing that was damaged was my self-esteem and there wasn’t much to begin with." - meredith

"sometimes I accidentally walk into doors because I don't really look where I'm going." - bianca

"one sixty. don’t jip me out of those last two centimetres. I value them dearly." - andreia

"if that’s the case, I should start picking more practical hobbies. like accounting." - andreia, when archie tells her if she's not careful her hobbies will become a job

"diana the caterer! you served me a pastry puff last month, I believe?" - ken

"I swear counter-climbing isn’t a regular thing. but can I offer you a cup of coffee, for all of your troubles?" - ramona

"in here, we got these things call cars, you know, to go anywhere." - sam

“did you see? king doof-ael leaked the selected names.” - ivy's friend alba

“and I would suggest putting something on if you don’t want your grandma to see your ding dong.” - cornelia

“a 16th century sable to be precise.” - laurens, when cornelia asks if he's holding a sword

just. everything relating to laurie gifting nellie a pink toothbrush. god tier content.

“would be fun to meet an IRL mole person though” - rhea

"can I even curse here? it feels illegal to curse in a palace.” - rhea

"look first, debate on arresting me later. come on" - ivy

"you could stick a pole down his clothes and he’d probably make it straighter." - ivy's thoughts about sam

"why? do you still live with your mom?” - suzy, asking her adoptive father why he doesn't have a wife

"don’t you ever call me sir again" - archie to nellie

"hush about the possible criminal part though. I don't wanna be thrown into your dungeons." - nellie

"don't send him a dildo." - ken

"rehab isn't all fun and games, you know. sometimes we have to talk to other people, and it's terrible." - meredith's friend megan

"well, she doesn't speak crustacean, so she wouldn't know" - meredith

"the worst that can happen is my skeleton found somewhere in a few decades." - alassie

“though I think you’re safe from the king receiving anyone’s heart.” - ivy, to diana on the plane

"sorry no, I'm not a nun." - nellie, during her makeover

"why dream small? I'd go for the pope." - nellie

"gotta collect them all like pokemons." - diana, about her many titles

"and besides, axe murdering together sounds like peak romance to me." - nellie

just. elsa from frozen being renamed elisabet in meredith's fic. I was like "what is my name doing here" lmao

c1:

"don't worry, we do keep phones behind the palace walls. we're not exactly stuck in the 20th century." - raffy, to ramona during the interview

"I'd think you have the final say in that, as you live here." - ramona, when raffy asked if he can sit on the patio while she's outside

"well, I’m very passionate about my new ergonomic chair and the led lights that I’ve bought." - raffy, in his interview with andreia

"my dad always told me never to jump out of a perfectly good plane." - andreia

“why do I look like cotton candy?” - nellie, about her dress

“but I enjoy looking like a sex goddess.” - nellie

"so raphael, please don't tell me someone tried to rip your shirt off during their interview with you?" - nellie

"oh shoot, so the live video of me doing crimes against my ex-turned-enemy is going to be a problem? a shame, that was a great video." - nellie

"unfortunately ivy is the only name I have" - ivy

"this sounds incredibly nerdy, but I- well, someone I know back home and I- started work on this musical about aliens. I mean, we live in the same province as area 51! we had to do it." - rhea

"actually, I don’t know. I’m used to picking green because plato likes green food and I think of his opinion highly." - raffy

"is plato your friend? can I offer him one?" - meredith, during the interview, looking at sam

"but I propose us taking a seat before we victimize my jacket one more time before a replacement comes in." - raffy, to alassie

"there's no gin, so no, I'm not interested." - alassie

"enjoyment? Who genuinely enjoys debussy?" - alassie

"nah. only girlboss, gaslight, gatekeep is allowed here." - alassie

"I'm just saying that if I was caught in a copyright infringement I would offer them some cake too." - archie

"although, I’m afraid to tell you that your friend might’ve already stolen my heart." - suzy, about plato

"leg day is the least of my worries, as you could imagine." - raffy

"okay, let’s put a pin on this. I’ve been drinking way too much of the cucumber lemonade between every interview since a while ago." - bianca

"are you sure it’s a pleasure, majesty?" - kaden

"also, I’m supposed to have breakfast with the selected and royal family now, remember? I can’t believe you’ve already decided you don’t want to see me in the mornings" -kaden

"as for what song to listen to first, I can only answer if you tell me what's the greatest thing you want out of life." - kaden

"okay, phenomenonlofjsidjsidkd textbooks are not something I’m familiar with, I will say" - kaden

"oh, is that why we signed up? I thought it was for the possibility of love" - kaden, when sam asks if she signed up to be queen

c2:

"oh yes, meeting you was definitely in the top 3 of my reasons-why-to-apply list." - nellie, to archie

"you think I'm boring? I don't know how to live with this." - nellie, to archie

"I would offer to make a proposal to lower alcohol drinks prices… but I’m sure our king will say there other priorities" - archie

the entire story of how archie almost got a tattoo

"I've always liked the moon- the way it's basically a giant piece of rock" - nellie

"good to know you're in love with the moon" - nellie, to archie

"are you saying, you think I'm a god?" - nellie, to archie

"they say dolphins have a high sex drive as well." - nellie, when archie says his spirit animal is a dolphin

"I won’t even pretend to be surprised that you carry a knife at all times." - ivy, to sam

"oh yeah? do you have some hidden desire to be queen?" - ivy, to sam

"how thrilling it must be to strike fear in the hearts of your subordinates" - ivy, to sam

"you don’t even know what the promise is yet. I could ask you to jump in the pond. or steal a duck" - ivy, to archie

"but the next day I found it my room with a note that said: 'the beauty of the house hanging up in that tree will be directly related to your part in my will'" - archie, explaining to ivy eleanor's reaction to his birdfeeder

"I was so looking forward to hearing my eyes compared to the color of dirt" - ivy, to archie

"‘king raphael, lady andreia would be pleased to accept and join you on a trip to the angeles national art gallery. however, she would like to know if this entire trip will take place in the third person, just to make sure she’s prepared." - andreia, after receiving her first date note

"surfer girl, give us one of those cowabunga hand signals!" - some random tiktoker on raffy and andreia's date

"okay, yes, I do know this song! … this guy is good, but I didn’t know his name. it reminds me of this party I went some time ago… for some reason there was a guy dressed as a gorilla dancing all over the house. he got kind of drunk so I think he ended up falling in the pool at some point" - archie, to andreia, after taking one of her earpods

"I cook too, you know? you’ve got to try my special cheerios bathed in white milk and decorated with chocolate syrup" - archie to andreia

"yes, I set off the fire alarm, and yes, there was a small evacuation, but nobody was hurt except for the loaf of bread" - andreia, to archie

"actually, I was talking about plato, but I suppose you deserve some compliments as well." - andreia, to archie

"because you are a lady… I admit I don’t know much about protocol but I’m sure you are not getting ‘climbing trees’ lessons" - sam, to ramona

"how can such a good person be the head of such a shitshow of a country" - ramona's thoughts while talking to raffy on their date

"any particular reason you drive a tank?" - ivy, to raffy, on their date

"if I even get a whiff of caramel popcorn, I will be writing a strongly worded letter to the manager." - ivy

"hardcore is a strong word, but I'd say I'm well acquainted with their entire discography" - meredith

"I mean, if you're gonna have a harem, might as well bring a couple of girls with you, right?" - scooter interrupting meredith's date

"'hello mister kingling, VROOM VROOM!" - nellie responding to raffy's letter

"all this beauty takes a lot of rest, raffy. dark circles don’t look good with pretty dresses." - rhea

"we should start a club, right? those with dead and dying parents?" - rhea

"thank god. I had to deal with one crisis tonight... now I have to make sure I don't get blinded?" - rhea

"this isn't an 'I hate crying in front of people' thing- I'm wearing, like ten layers of mascara and eyeliner and I am not getting raccoon eyes on our first date." - rhea

"then don’t fail" - ramona, to diana when diana mentions that she fears the media will always be waiting for them to fail

"i don’t think we can really call him a boyfriend, yet. I mean, at most, we’ve only had a handful of conversations with him. even dating - the word makes it seem like it’s more exclusive. it’s more like the guy we’re collectively flirting with" - ramona, to diana

"I can't tell if you're talking about the appetizer or the golf set." - diana, to raffy

"can you sign my shirt?" - a random selection stan on diana and raffy's date

"thank you, it was a birthday gift from my friends this year. they pressed my dad's ashes into it." - diana to archie

"as a kid I wanted to own a green dog and live by the beach... in mars" - archie to diana

"well, unfortunately, one of my biggest flaws is that I apparently have an attention span shorter than a fruit fly." - meredith, to raffy

"I promise it’s my real number." - meredith, to raffy

c3:

"the bike decided I wasn’t an acceptable rider and threw me off" - ivy, to sam

"do you actually know how to ride a bike, lady ivy?" - sam, to ivy

"I recognize I have that ability, yes." - sam when ivy asks him to smile

"you remind me of a sour gummy worm" - ivy, to sam

"as strange as it may sound, I have never dated a king" - sam, to ivy

"I mean, things aren’t sunshine and rainbows, but I’m not dying so please don’t be texting and driving for me" - andreia, to archie

"I mean, I’d love to not be made out to be a drug addict, if that’s possible." - andreia, to bianca

"I’m sorry, there’s no excuse for him doing that to you, it’s beyond cowardice. there won’t be anymore questions about it and we won’t have to speak about it again, ever. thank you for sharing that with me." - raffy, to ramona, while holding a knife

"you are not a ghost" - archie, to ramona

"we can always use recycled paper for the sake of romance" - archie, to ramona

when archie asked ramona if she had any adult sisters

"how am I supposed to make filing my taxes fun?" - ramona, to archie

archie just really enthusiastically wanting to meet and talk to ramona's brother

"and maybe it would be better to get some friends instead of taking advantage of the fact that napoleon can’t talk or defend himself" - eleanor, to nellie

"I think he looks more like a walter than a napoleon, whoever that may be." - nellie, to eleanor

"no, not at all— hell hath no fury like a woman wronged by her ex-husband." - sylvan, to diana

"oh, yes... I've heard about my dad being comforting" - archie, to diana

"as for my 4 year old self, he would be eating ice cream at chuck e cheese" - archie, to diana

"of course, what's a father-son relationship without sports." - diana, to archie

"does that mean I'm not as charming as waffles?" - archie, to diana

"let's put it this way: you have daddy Issues, I have mommy Issues instead." - diana, to archie

"no big deal. hydrate or dydrate." - meredith, to raffy

"I think it's just right, like baby bear’s porridge." - meredith, to raffy

"by flippity freaking george" - meredith, to archie

"it mugged me at the flower market last week and I had my guys bring him in. so I'm just teaching it a lesson." - meredith, to archie, about a punching bag

"if I was a vegetable, I'd like to be a corn on the cob, you know with the cool hair" - archie to meredith

c4:

"with all my respect your highness but I'm sure you would make that water burn" - naomi the cook, to archie

"I’m sure it’s just that he’s busy, with the whole, running the country while dating multiple people thing." - andreia, to archie, about raffy

"my little sister. don’t let the moustache fool you, she’s actually the pride of the family." - archie, to andreia, about sandra

"and I took a random mechanics lesson with the guy that fixed my car so I might know how to change the oil now...maybe." - archie, to andreia

the multiple mentions of bhumi and archie not getting along across multiple rps

"they’ll probably send out a search party for you at any moment because they think I’ve kidnapped you. and between you and me, I love halloween but I’d prefer to not spend the rest of my night in the dungeon." - meredith, to raffy

"it’s not my fault my parents chose to have a c-section on this day." - raffy to nellie

"sorry, but oil? like, from olives?" - nellie, to raffy

"maybe I just like eating mini trees." - raffy, to nellie

"I wasn’t talking about me… but I do look good incredible in blue" - archie, to nellie

"and of course, shirtlessness. but I'm not sure you really know how to use that." - nellie, to archie

"well you’re definitely the only vengeful cheerleader liz rodriguez around here, so definitely no case of deja vu going on" - raffy, to ramona

c4.5:

"but I’ll miss seeing you around. I mean, who else is going to pull me into a pool in the middle of the night?" - andreia, to archie

"are you saying that I make you dizzy? what, is it the accent? The many questions I ask?" - andreia, to archie

“please don’t ask why I was in the kitchens with your dog late at night.” - andreia's thoughts during a conversation with raffy

"I used to share a room with archie in boarding school, and whenever I was reading and he was bored, he’d take my arm and start drawing all kinds of doodles on my hand." - raffy, to andreia

"the hex girls..? had a bit of the crush on the lead singer of their band." - raffy, to ramona

"only if it’s not us kissing while the hunger games is playing. that’s kind of where I draw the line." - raffy, to ramona

c5:

"honestly, I feel so overwhelmed all the time that it’s just become my…whelmed?" - raffy, to ramona

"filled with my endless words of wisdom, as always" - ramona, to raffy

""I’m…" alive? fine? wanting to curl into a ball and cry? "holding it together."" - andreia, to raffy

#not songs #the selected #host characters

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stxrrywildflower · 4 years

Text

red cell (2)

pairing - spencer reid x reader

summary - a break in the case causes spencer to contemplate some things

warnings - mentions of case, cursing

word count ?

note - this part really isn’t that great but i promise part three and maybe four will be a lot better :)

part 1

part 3

you and spencer turned towards gina and mick.

mick tossed a notebook on the table while gina tossed an actual case file.

“this whole town is filled with washed up actors and actresses. i talked to at least ten people who went to or dropped out of acting school. that doesn’t help our theory that the unsub was someone who was desperate to become famous but it never happened,” gina revealed.

the four of you stood around, each in your own thoughts about the case.

“well i’m going to head down to the police station to talk to jonathan and sam. figured i should bring this information to the other team as well,” mick piped up.

“i’ll go too,” spencer added on.

mick soon left to go get the car while spencer gathered the scattered papers on the table. “i should go,” he spoke.

“bye spencer,” you smiled. he waved one final time before heading towards the stairs and exiting the room.

you kept a smile to yourself as you went over to one of the computers set up, wanting to look at the crime scene photos one more time.

“oh my god,” gina gasped. your eyes darted up at your friend in front of you. “what?” you quickly asked. “you think he’s cute!” she explained. you rolled your eyes but a blush managed to creep to your cheeks.

“you do!” she practically squealed.

“i mean how could you not,” you simply responded. gina scoffed jokingly, “some of us are already in a relationship.”

you shot a grin at her before going back to typing on your computer.

spencer and mick entered the police station. the team quickly turned to the two as they entered the conference room. “there’s a ton of people in this town who failed out of becoming famous,” spencer announced.

mick went on to talk about his findings to everyone. spencer, meanwhile, went over to the coffee machine, pouring himself a cup and adding sugar. derek sauntered over, leaning against the table and looking at the younger agent.

“so how’s y/n,” morgan practically smirked.

spencer continued to stir his coffee, “what do you mean?” morgan chucked slightly. “come on pretty boy, i saw how you two looked at each other. don’t act like you didn’t blush when she mentioned reading your papers.”

spencer rolled his eyes. “i’ve known her for literally four hours,” the genius spoke. “well you know what they say, love at first sight,” with that, morgan moved so he was sitting at the table, not before sending spencer a wink.

....

in the next three days, the red cell and bau team had barely any leads. no new bodies were found making it difficult to narrow down the suspect pool.

the local cops were becoming increasingly frustrated resulting in lack of help to the two teams. instead of doing their meetings at the police station, everyone has decided to meet back at the red cell base.

there, everyone was doing different things.

jonathan and mick were typing away at the computers, desperately trying to find out anything more they could. hotch, sam, and rossi were standing around one of the tables. gina and j.j. were looking at the victims, trying to find a physical connection between the victims while emily and derek were looking at the bulletin board. finally, you and spencer were sitting on top of the main table. he was drumming his fingers as his eyes darted over the crime scene photos. you, on the other hand, were reloading your gun and sharpening your knives.

sam has told you earlier that he may need you to go out on the streets and get information. you wanted to be prepared.

the phone ringing on the table snapped everyone out of their thoughts. the phone was only for emergencies, not used for tip lines or cell phones. even garcia knew not to call the number. you hesitantly leaned forward and pressed the ‘answer button’.

“hello?” hotch spoke.

“i want to talk to agent y/n,” the unidentified voice on the other end replied. your face visibly paled. you look toward sam, who nodded simply. you leaned forward slightly. “i’m here.”

“may i ask, what’s the closet weapon to you on your left? don’t bother lying, i can already see it,” the man on the other end said.

your eyes darted to the left where on a workbench, layed a modern day battle axe. it was a sleek black color, with extra bars connecting the spike to the handle, almost like the one they used in the hunger games movies. “it’s an axe,” you spoke tentatively.

“perfect. meet me at the square off of south street in one hour. if not, the girl goes,” presumably the unsub on the other end informed you.

once again, hotch stepped in. “girl? what girl?” he asked. the unsub, however, ignored his question.

“i want to fight against agent y/n and here are the rules. you get that axe and only that axe. if you bring anything else, the girl dies. if your team shows up, the girl dies. are you begining to sense a common theme here? but alas, there is a silver lining. if you win, my partner let’s the girl go. and even if i win and manage to kill you first, the girl still gets let go. regardless, it’s a win-win for your team. one hour agent y/n, don’t be late,” with the unsub’s final taunt, the line went dead.

you jumped off of the table and moved over to the workbench. you grabbed the axe, tossing it between your hands, trying to ignore the two teams arguing slightly. you then went over to the sharpener, slowly moving the blade back and forth to sharpen it.

once you were done, you looked at everyone in the room. unsurprisingly, sam was the first one to speak up, “y/n we can’t have you go.” you shook your head. “i don’t show, the girl dies. i’ll be fine,” you replied.

“this guy is asking you to verse him with an axe. you can’t just do that,” hotch’s exclaimed.

you held your hand out as to make everyone stop talking. you looked forward at the target in front of you. as you narrowed your eyes at the target, the room quickly fell silent. one hand was up, pointing at the bullseye that stood 25 feet away, while the other was clutching the axe at your side.

after taking a three-step approach, with all your strength, you launched that axe at the target. a satisfying crack echoed as the axe hit the bullseye, cracking the target.

you slightly smirked to yourself before making your way over to the practically destroyed target and pulling the axe from it, wood falling to the ground as you did so. “still don’t think i can do this?” you asked as you turned around to face the teams.

everyone’s expressions varied, mostly looking shocked. except for spencer who was smiling and mouthed a ‘woah’ at you. you subtly winked at him before placing the weapon back on the table.

for the next 45 minutes, you went over your orders from hotch and sam as well as sparred with morgan. you were to first, try and talk the unsub down, and second, fight. obviously, you weren’t supposed to kill the man if you didn’t have to, but instead injure him. morgan had ran though different scenarios with you. everyone in the room knew you didn’t really need them, but it was good practice, none the less.

finally, it was time for you to go. you took off your jacket, leaving you in a white t-shirt, jeans, and your combat boots. the axe was strapped to your thigh with an easy holster that would allow you to remove it quickly. you quickly styled your hair so that it wouldn’t be in your face.

you turned to spencer, who seemingly hadn’t moved from where he was sitting. “good luck,” spencer spoke as he held up his hand in a fist. “at least look like you’re going to see me again,” you replied with a slight smile, bumping your fist against his. with that, you exited the room and began your short walk to the square.

all the two teams could do was wait, fully geared up and watching on computer screens. the second the fight went south for either of you, they would be at the square. the quality of the video was surprisingly well for the square being in such a secluded part of the city.

derek and gina made eye contact quickly before making their way over to where spencer stood, towards the back of the room but close enough to watch the screens. “so kid, you going to ask her out when she gets back?” morgan asked with a smirk. “you two would practically be perfect for each other,” gina added.

“really? i mean she’s a textbook badass and then i’m just me,” spencer replied, laughing slightly.

“so what kid? opposites attract.”

spencer turned to morgan, slapping him on the shoulder. “ouch!” morgan exclaimed. “what? you insulted me,” spencer responded. the older agent rolled his eyes. “whatever kid.”

“yeah she does look like the classic confident and bold agent but she’s it’s really just an act. she is one of the most kind and genuine people i have ever met. just know reid, she’s into you too,” gina told him before walking away.

spencer sat, mouth slightly open. you liked him too? the two of you had known each other for all of four days. but morgan’s words slowly creeped into the back of his mind. the genius shook his head before moving to stand in front of the monitor which was about to display the fight.

#criminal #criminal minds #spencer reid #spencer reid x oc #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #aaron hotchner #derek morgan #emily prentiss #jennifer jareau #penelope garcia #david rossi

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inkrabbit · 3 years

Text

Even if I Die Tonight - Snippet

I have 2 other snippets I've worked on, but I'm deciding to post this one. Maybe I'll post the others, maybe not. They might not be the same when I actually get to them in the story, but this is the idea/premise I have for it now.

Summary: This takes place right after Dan loses a fight with a stronger criminal, only to be saved by Richard.

Word count: 1,727

@rentheisopod @kukukape @luciewarrenx3

He's out of breath, clothes sticking to his body. The old fire inside of him is slowly going out and he's so tempted to just give up right here. The laughter that was once so faint is right behind him, heavy footsteps walking around so the man stands before him, clicking his tongue.

“Aw, poor little Irish,” The blade of the ax comes to rest on his shoulder, and a chill crawls up his spine. He feels the man trail it over his jacket, the tip making contact with the base of his neck before sliding it up and trailing through his hair. He can't respond, too exhausted to form the words. Moving the ax so it's back to resting on his shoulder, Vincent crouches down, smiling at him. “You really are stupid, ain't ya? Followed her around blindly. Didn't even check to see if you were her bait.”

He doesn't want to hear him anymore. His eyes slip shut, and he tries to focus on anything other than the weapon that's still close by his neck. He tries to think of the group, his family, his little brother. But it only scares him more. What would happen to all of them? He was sure DedSec would continue on, but he couldn't imagine how his family would react. He was terrified of leaving Sam alone.

“Look at me!” The command is enough to bring him back to reality, and he winces when Vincent grabs his face, forcing him to look up. The man is looking him over, a wicked grin on his face. “Ya know, I think red is your color.”

He gathers the blood in his mouth, spitting it into the criminal's face. It's enough to make him recoil, releasing his grasp and shoving him back. The wind is knocked out of him when his back makes contact with the floor, and the lights hanging above are blinding. He supposed this was it, hearing Vincent let out a string of insults. The ax scrapes against the ground, and his heart picks up when he doesn't hear it anymore. Tired hazel eyes stare up at the man, weapon resting against his shoulder as he towers over him. It's when he hears that familiar click in the distance that hope surges through him.

“Ya should've saw the warning signs,” Vincent sneers, readying himself to strike. With the last of his strength, Dan forces himself to turn at the last second, the ax coming down with a force that shakes the surrounding ground, implanting itself in the floor and he can't help but flinch violently. Vincent's low growl is cut off by the sharp sound of Rabbit's old rifle, and he hears the bullet rip through the man. Another shot rings out, and when he hears the man finally fall to the ground, he lets out a shaky breath he didn't realize he had been holding in. Still, he can't bring himself to roll back over or even get up. He feels so weak, and it looks like his vision is getting darker.

He perks up at the sound of footsteps, hissing when a hand grips his shoulder and rolls him onto his back. Richard towers over him, the rifle slung over his shoulder as he admires the cuts and gashes that decorate his body. A scoff escapes his lips.

“Look at you,” he sighs, kneeling beside him as he starts to undo his tie. “Even with eight years of military training, you let some brute get the better of you. I would've expected more from someone who excelled in hand-to-hand combat.”

Dan rolls his eyes, pushing the man back and groaning as he uses the last of his strength to sit up. It's a lot harder than he thought it would be, his body throbbing and on fire. If it wasn't for Richard gently pushing his upper back, he wouldn't have made it. The tie is wrapped around his bicep, covering the deep gash he had received from the ax catching him.

“Yes, I've read over your file,” he continues, “Why exactly did you assault your lieutenant?”

“'Cause he was a cunt?” His reply is bitter and snappy, the memories of his lieutenant being enough to reignite that fire inside of him and give him the extra strength he needed to finally stand up. Richard helps him still, pulling his arm so it's around his shoulders as he hooks his own arm around his waist. “Used to get off on kickin' around the homeless. One day, I just... snapped.”

“Nearly killed him, too,” he adds on. They're slowly starting to walk out of the compound, Richard stopping anytime the man needed a moment to collect himself. Once past the high brick walls, they finally stop. Dan leans against the wall, sliding down and sitting on the ground. He feels exhausted, his eyes starting to droop. Richard moves beside him, crouching down and sitting on the balls of his shoes.

“Bastard would've deserved it,” Dan breathes out, staring absentmindedly at the treeline before them. “Thought I had killed him, when someone managed to pull me off. Couldn't recognize the fucker's face when I was done.”

Silence falls between them for a bit, and it's enough to coax Dan into letting his eyes slip shut. The cool breeze sends a shiver up his spine, washing over the blood that's drying against his skin. Hearing the leaves rustle in the distance, it's all so calming. He's so tired, and the peacefulness of the world around them is enough to lull him into slumber.

“Come on,” Richard's firm tone is enough to bring him back to reality, the man once more helping him up and forcing him to walk. He blinks his eyes open a few times, lids heavy and sticky from the blood that's covered his face. “What was your home life like?”

“Me home life?” he repeats, glancing over to look at him. “With me family and all that shite?”

“Yes, your family,” Ah, he knows what he's doing now. A small smile spreads across his face, letting out a soft chuckle. “Do you have any siblings?”

“Little brother, Sam,” he confesses, “Haven't talked to him much after... well-”

“I understand,” He seems to know what he's trying to describe, and he notes how the man's lips purse in disgust. “What about your parents?”

“Hate me da,” Dan grumbles, his own smile falling at the thought of the man. “Always fought with him. Heh, he used to put cigarettes out on me when I was a kid. Didn't stop until I got old enough to fight back.”

“Christ. No wonder you're the way you are,” Maybe he was right. It was no secret to Dan that his childhood wasn't the most joyful. He had often found himself hiding away in his room when he was younger, desperate to escape his father's wrath. “Suppose we're just... different people. I had my fair share of abuse as a child myself.”

“Oh?” Now this was a surprise. Dan always assumed Richard had the perfect little family everyone dreams of. The white picket fence and the loving, doting parents that you find in those cliché movies.

“My mother was... well, she left much to be desired,” he grumbles, those dark eyes cast down to the ground as they walk down the path. How far were they exactly from London? Maybe a five minute walk? Would he last until then? “My father died when I was fourteen, and she just got worse. Always made me feel like I wasn't enough, so I studied more to prove her wrong. Deprived myself of a social life in order to graduate with honors.”

“At least ya did better than me,” he laughs. The talking actually helps. He's able to focus on something other than the searing pain that's coursing through his body. “Dunno how I graduated. Would go out every night, just to get away from me da. Got in so much trouble.”

“What was Ireland like?” A soft hum reverberates in his throat as he thinks.

“Beautiful,” he breathes, “Me brother and I used to go hiking a few times a week. Swim in the lake nearby, anything to get out of the house. Used to stay out all night.”

“Do you miss it?”

“Yeah, every day. But... London needs me.”

“You seem very ambitious to help the city.”

“'Course. You've seen all the shite that's going on.”

“Yes, I have. And I know we have very differing views.”

He can hear the ambiance of the city now, that familiarity washing over him. He focuses on keeping his eyes open as he walks, listening to the soft bustling of London that slowly grows louder as they get closer. All he wants is to go home, lay down and fall asleep. But with how Richard keeps jerking him around here and there, he assumes he won't be able to rest anytime soon.

“I suppose we're even now. My life for yours and all that,” Richard finally says softly, “Though, I do suppose I did more work than you. Got my hands dirty and killed a man, whereas you just opened my cell.”

“Ah, shut it, Rich,” He didn't want to hear that snide attitude as the man led him back into the city. A soft chuckle rings out, but it doesn't last long before it's cut off abruptly.

“That's... the first time you've used my name,” Had it been? He supposed he was right. He hadn't spoken much to the man, and he had even referred to him by his last name when he unlocked the cell in the safehouse. A soft huff escapes Dan's lips.

“Well, guess we're on first name basis now,” he jokes. It's getting harder to stay awake now, and he's stumbling here and there. He can feel Richard pull at him, trying to keep him upright, grumbling softly. Was it about how heavy he was getting? Even if he wanted to know, he can't ask. His knees buckle beneath him and he falls forward, feeling his arm slip away from the man's shoulders. The world around him goes black as he hits the sidewalk.

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thedeaditeslayer · 4 years

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Bruce Campbell talks ‘Evil Dead,’ ‘Spider-Man,’ ‘Xena’

The first time Bruce Campbell came across Sam Raimi, they were students at Michigan’s West Maple Junior High School.

“Sam was a year younger than me,” Campbell recalls, “and I remember him dressed as Sherlock Holmes playing with dolls in the middle of the floor. And I remember going way around him. And I found out later that it was Sam Raimi. We didn’t really come into contact until we got until high school.”

What a connection they made. After bonding over D.I.Y. filmmaking, Campbell and Raimi went on to do 1978 shoestring horror-short “Within the Woods” together, which they evolved into 1981 demonic thriller “Evil Dead.”

Campbell would periodically reprise signature “Evil Dead” character Ash Williams in various sequels and offshoots. And appear in Raimi-produced “Xena: Warrior Princess,” portraying slippery “king of thieves” Autolycus on that ’90s-iconic TV fantasy epic.

And then there’s Campbell’s memorable cameos in Raimi’s blockbuster, Tobey Maguire-starring “Spider-Man” film trilogy: the ring announced in the first, 2002 film, “snooty usher” in the 2004 sequel and a maître d’ in 2007′s “Spider-Man 3.”

Of course, Campbell’s made a mark outside that dynamic duo. He drew raves for his portrayal of a nursing-home-bound Elvis Presley in 2002 indie comedy-horror gem, “Bubba Ho-Tep.” Then there’s his role of Sam Axe on USA Network spy drama “Burn Notice.” Not to mention numerous other film, TV, voice acting and even video-game work.

The cult-fave actor will make his first ever trip to Huntsville this week, for Oct. 24 events at Von Braun Center’s Mark C. Smith Concert Hall featuring “Evil Dead” screenings followed by a Campbell-led chat about the film, his life as an actor and beyond. Tickets for these 3 and 7:30 p.m. events start at $32, via ticketmaster.com.

His upcoming projects include a comedy album with actor Ted Raimi, Sam’s brother, called “The Lost Recordings.” Campbell also is readying a book of essays called “The Cool Side of My Pillow,” which finds him riffing on subjects ranging from noise to the environment. He hopes to have both released by the end of this year. More info at bruce-campbell.com. On a recent afternoon, Campbell checked in from his Oregon home for a phone interview. Edited excerpts are below.

Bruce, when you do an “Evil Dead” screening event, do your discussions turn up new things about the film or that you haven’t thought of in a long time?

Every show turns up something new because it puts you on the spot. Someone will say something that will then trigger something that you had forgot. I just sat down the other day before one of these shows with my guy who is my frontman and I was like, “OK, l’m just going to tell the story of making this movie.” It’s not for questions I’m just going to tell you basically what you’re about to see. But yeah, every show triggers some new thing. I’ve seen the movie. I know how it ends. But that is the challenge, finding some new, weird tidbits.

Back in high school how did you and Sam Raimi first bond? Did you share a class or something?

Basically I got into typing class, that’s what started it. I could not believe I was stuck in this stupid class where everyone around me seemed to know how to type. I’m like, “How do you know this?” It was very frustrating. So I went to a counselor for the first time ever – I’d never gone to try to get out of anything.

So I go there and I say, “Hey can I drop this dumb typing class?” She goes, "Yeah, what do you want? I go, “What do you got?” So she comes up with “radio speech.” And I’m like, “Radio speech? Wait they do the morning announcements (at school) and stuff?” and I’m like yeah let me get all over that.

So I got into a class and Sam Raimi was also in the class. And the guy who taught radio speech also directed all the plays. We didn’t know how critical that was. The first year I couldn’t get in anything in my high school. I was auditioning for everything but I didn’t have a class with this guy. By the next year I had a class with him, and then me and Sam were in basically all the plays after that. We found out how the deal worked.

So I met him in radio speech and we’d do the morning announcements together and got to talking about what we do in our neighborhoods. I was making little regular-8 (millimeter film) movies and Sam was making Super-8 movies. So we started to join forces during the course of that high school run, that two or three years in there.

We were very productive. We didn’t really get into trouble because we were too busy like filming parties. We wouldn’t go to the parties we’d film the parties and use them in some way in our little films so it was a great guerrilla filmmaking period.

A celeb or well-known person you were surprised to learn they’re an “Evil Dead” fan?

I heard Charlie Sheen, one of his favorite things was to smoke a doobie and watch “Evil Dead 2,” and Alice Cooper’s favorite horror movie is “Evil Dead.”

If it’s good enough for Alice Cooper it’s good enough for me. You host the quiz show “Last Fan Standing.” What do you make of the mainstreaming of nerd-culture?

Every generation has its deal. In the ’40s most moviegoers were in their 40s and so the actors were in their 40s. Humphrey Bogart and Spencer Tracy and all the guys were in their 40s. You didn’t have to be 21. And then as the audience got younger the actors got younger and the people who run the companies get younger and so they’re really just catering to what’s popular.

Comic books have always been popular but now they’re really popular. Not really sure what that’s all about but yeah social media has certainly helped but I think it’s another form of escapism. Whenever times get weird, people want escapism. During The Depression they did the Busby Berkeley splashy musicals where everyone was happy all the time, when life was really miserable. And some decades where we’re really doing okay, the movies turned introspective and we go after ourselves and figure out why we’re like this and like that. And so I think we’re in a phase where we just want to be taken away to another galaxy and Marvel is very happy to help.

And you’ve been a part of that. In Sam’s “Spider-Man” trilogy, which of your cameos did you have the most fun with?

Well I don’t know it’s hard to lineate because they’re so critical. The first one I named Spider-Man. If I wasn’t in the movie a billion dollar franchise would be called The Human Spider. He wants to get in the theater in the second one, past the snooty usher who won’t let him in because he’s late, because it will spoil the illusion, so I think I’m technically the only character who’s ever defeated Spider-Man. And in part three, a superhero comes to a mortal for help. He wants me to help him propose to his girlfriend so it’s sort of a landmark case where a superhero goes to a mortal for help which is pretty rare. So I can’t delineate because they’re all critical to the “Spider-Man” universe.

Do you have any cool mementos from "Evil Dead or elsewhere from your career? Maybe something like the chainsaw from “Evil Dead 2”?

You know, it’s weird I’m not a hoarder, I’m not a collector. My brother, he has the shotgun from “Evil Dead,” but not because he loves movie trivia, he just likes guns. My brother also has I think the set of keys to the original cabin. That’s a pretty good one. Not sure how he got that one.

I have weirder ones. Like I have a prop from a 1989 movie called “Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat.” I have Van Helsing’s holy bottle where he shakes the holy water at them. And I have what I call my tchotchke shelf, where most people would look at it and they couldn’t identify what importance each item is, but there’s a story for each one.

Some of your favorite actors outside the horror genre?

Oh, I l love a lot of the old time actors. William Holden, he starred in “Bridge on The River Kwai” one of my favorite movies. I like the guys who had to work a lot. In the old days and actor would finish a job on Friday he was under contract, he took two weeks off and started a new movie a couple weeks later. Actors kind of just do one or two movies a year if they’re lucky these days and it doesn’t help them refine their craft.

I feel like the guys who worked a lot got good because they got really used to the process. I’m a fan of the studio system. Not all movies were good and not every actor was happy under the studio system, but I think a busy actor’s a good actor.

For your role in “Bubba Ho-Tep,” what was your process for tapping into Elvis’s vibe?

What guy doesn’t want to be Elvis, you know? So I worked with an Elvis impersonator for about a half an hour and then he gave up on me. He goes, “Look, man, you’re never going to get it.” I’m like, “Wow either I suck or you suck as a teacher but somebody here sucks.”

No, but I watched a bunch of footage and documentaries. There’s a good one, all his Memphis Mafia who worked with him, a filmmaker basically got them all drunk one night and interviewed them all and that’s where the good stories are. You learn a little more of the human side of him. But that’s pretty much it. I’ve never been a stage performer so mercifully there wasn’t that much of it, just in quick flashbacks.

And there’s a part of me, in the back of my mind, I want to know that Elvis' descendants, somebody, a daughter, niece, somebody has watched that movie and approved. We’ll see.

I thought it was a cool creative take on that whole Elvis thing.

I agree. That’s why I did it. It was one of the weirdest scripts I’ve ever read But yet it wraps up though. It has a weird premise but it has a really interesting theme of what do you do with old people. Do we forget these old people? And are they still useful in society, old people? And I thought it had a sweet ending, that these two old guys they kind of rally themselves one more time.

What’s a well-known role you’ve turned down?

Turned down? I don’t have a lot of those. I don’t operate in that rarified air of saying, “Oh I turned ‘Titanic’ down.” I tried to get a part in a studio movie called “The Phantom” and Billy Zane wound up getting the part." And it was down to me and Billy, I was number two for the job, but I didn’t really enjoy the process very much because it seemed more political than actually acting. It was amazing how many people you had to audition for, and you had to go up the ranks and each time it got a little more tense as you move up. So I’m good doing these weirdo little movies.

I read the budget for “Within the Woods,” the predecessor of “Evil Dead,” was a princely 1,600 bucks. What was the most expensive line item, you think?

Food and probably fake blood. Tom Sullivan, who did the special effects, probably needed to mold a few things, so he probably spent a couple hundred bucks on molds. A lot of it was footage because Sam Raimi likes to shoot footage, so we probably bought a lot of rolls of film. And we did go to a cabin to shoot it, so had to get in the car and travel so maybe a little gas money in there too. That’s about it.

What can you tell us about the status of the next installment of the “Evil Dead” franchise?

We’re honing-in, circling the building now trying to lock in a partner. We have a couple of bidders and we’re trying to just find the correct suitor and we have a script written and a director picked. Sam Raimi hand -picked a guy named Lee Cronin, who’s a very good Irish filmmaker. And it’s got a very good modern tale. It’s a modern-day urban “Evil Dead,” it’s called “Evil Dead Rise.” And we’re hoping to do that next year.

You were a producer on 2013 “Evil Dead” remake. What’s the key to making a reboot effective?

Well rebooting can be very confusing and frustrating and not always successful. Reboot, sequel, remake we have all these crazy terms. What we’re doing now is we’re saying," Look, this is another ‘Evil Dead’ movie and that book gets around, a lot of people run into it and it’s another story." The main key with “Evil Dead” is they’re just regular people who are battling what seems to be a very unstoppable evil, and so that’s where the horror comes from. It’s not someone who’s skilled. They’re not fighting a soldier. They’re not fighting a scientist. They’re not fighting anybody more than your average neighbor. This one is going to be a similar thing. We’re going to have a heroine, a woman in charge, and she’s going to try and save her family.

Speaking of a female protagonist, when you’re at a con or meet fans somewhere, who has the most passionate superfans: “Evil Dead” or “Xena”?

“Xena” hits them at an emotional level. Like, they’ll come up to me and Lucy Lawless (the actor who played the show’s title role) and just burst into tears, because her character helped them get through a difficult time. “Xena” is more representative of overcoming your struggles in life. “Evil Dead” fans are pretty fervent but they don’t cry as much.

#Bruce Campbell #Evil Dead Rise

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theonewiththefanfics · 5 years

Text

Whatever It Takes (one-shot)

Synopsys: This is the fight of their lives. Get the stones, bring everyone back, but don’t screw up what happened during the last five years. But maybe there’s a chance to bring back even those that weren’t dusted. Well, whatever the case, that is what the Reader will do if the opportunity presents itself.

Pairing: Loki x f!Reader

Genre: angst/ fluff

Warnings: swearing, blood, mentions of wounds and death

Word count: 15676 (I don’t have a life :) )

Whatever it takes. The words echoed through Y/N’s head like a mantra. They were going back in time to retrieve the Infinity Stones. As insane as that sounded, it was their actual plan. The only plan that gave them hope to bring everyone back. “All right,” Tony brought Y/N back from the dazed state, readying herself as she stood next to Steve. “You heard the man. Stroke those keys, jolly green.” “Tractors engaged,” Bruce announced, and she pulled in a shuddering breath. They were actually going to do this. From the corner of her eye, she saw Rocket hand Clint a shrunken version of the ship her father and Nebula had arrived on. “You promise to bring that back in one piece, right?” Clint rolled his eyes, voice uninterested as he moved to stand next to Nat. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I’ll do my best.” “As promises go, that was pretty lame.” It had been a while since Y/N found anything remotely funny, so when the snort escaped her nose, she was shocked herself. The past five years had been hellish. And even that was an understatement. To be completely honest, she had been luckier than most. She still had her dad, and Pepper had survived the snap as well. The twenty-two days he’d been M.I.A in space Y/N would’ve completely lost it if not for her mom. Though they were not blood-related she refused to call her otherwise. The woman had helped Tony raise her, and there would be no other way she’d regard her or him. They were her family.

But then he’d come back. With Captain Carol Danvers carrying the spaceship, he was safely placed on the ground. Steve rushed forward to help him off the steps, and Y/N crumbled to the ground upon seeing her dad after almost three years of her own absence. After that and the Avengers’ unsuccessful retrieval of the stones, the three of them moved into a lakeside house and just stayed there. Y/N recounted what had happened after she’d been trapped in the Rainbow Bridge after Thor’s last visit to Earth. When the topic of Loki and her being together came up, she had almost given Tony a heart attack. “Don’t worry dad,” she sniffled, “he won’t come back.” In any other circumstance, he would’ve been happy about the crazy Asgardian not stepping a foot near his daughter, but the tone of her voice made him realize that it wasn’t a good thing. “How so?” he had mumbled in her hair. “Same reason we lost so many others,” Y/N had replied. “Only that time he didn’t snap his fingers, but his neck.” The two spent the rest of the night curled up into one another, trying to keep the other somewhat together before Pep joined and helped them start the mending of their hearts. Then Morgan was born. Y/N didn’t know how to feel about it at first. It felt like they were trying to move on while others were left to piece together the broken shards, but when her sister’s little finger had wrapped around her own, the fierce love that filled her chest was a force to be reckoned with. Now, Y/N surveyed the room, and excitement started to fill up her body, despite everything. This was their chance, not only to bring everyone back but to keep what they had gained. Because there would be no other outcome she’d accept. “See you in a minute,” Nat remarked, and a moment later they were all flying through the quantum realm. Y/N had never been a squeamish person. Whenever they had movie nights and Clint or Sam, as always, picked a horror film, no matter how many guts flew towards the screen, she was unfazed. Quite a lot of the time, her line of work consisted of splattering other’s brains against walls. And when you can control everything with just your mind, frying someone from the inside out wasn’t uncommon. But the second they were thrown on the Chitauri overrun streets of 2012 New York, Y/N was slammed against a car, and she had to hold onto it for dear life. “Bug, you okay?” Tony’s hand went to her back to soothingly rub it. “ ‘M alright,” Y/N wheezed. Fuck that breakfast was really hard to keep down. “Just give me a second.” While she was recuperating, Steve laid out the plan once more. “All right, we all have our assignments. Two stones uptown, one stone, down. Stay low. Keep an eye on the clock.” Originally Y/N was supposed to go with Bruce to The Sanctorum, but they ended up deciding she’d be great backup for the rest as they would have to get past not only Loki and whatever he might decide to do, but also Hydra. Right as they were about to split, 2012 Hulk landed with a harsh thud on the ground, flipping a car over onto a Chitauri troop before jumping on top of it as if he was a kid jumping on a bed. Y/N looked over at Bruce who had a hand on his face. “Feel free to smash if things don’t go your way,” Steve patted him on the arm, and Bruce sighed. “I think it’s gratuitous, but whatever.” For a moment everyone watched as he removed his shirt and reluctantly punched a car before throwing a motorcycle. “Okay,” Tony pulled them back, “it’s time to move.” Through an underground tunnel that connected the garage to the main parts of the Stark Tower, Steve rushed inside with Y/N, while Tony and an ant-sized Scott flew in through the window. “I’ll take the stairs up and wait by the elevator,” Steve commented, “I need you to find two of the security suits and suit up. Tony will be with you shortly.” “Got it, Cap,” Y/N gave him a mock salute and was off to the races. They didn’t have much time. Hydra would get the staff pretty much immediately, and then it was up to Steve to retrieve it, while Tony had to help Scott get into the position to cause 2012 Tony a heart attack, and then subsequently get the case with the Tesseract to them. “A heart attack, really?” Y/N had first remarked, eyebrows shooting up in disbelief. “You clearly have zero care for your own life, do you? And what if mom finds out?” “Got any better ideas?” “Uhh knock yourself out and pass as yourself? Trigger the security system? Maybe something that won't put your survival at risk.” “Do I look like I could pass as a version of myself from back in the day?” That was true. Tony had gotten significantly greyer, and the lines on his face were more prominent, though in Y/N’s opinion that was more so to do with all of the grief, not age. “I dunno,” she had smirked and crossed her arms, feet resting on the top of the table as they went through the information of what they knew of the stones, “put a little bit of dye in there, and I’d say you’re as good as new.” Tony gave her a gentle smile and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Y/N instantly put her head on his chest and relaxed. “Thanks, bug, for caring about me,” he muttered. “You always know how to lift me up.” “That’s what family does.” Now, Y/N was rifling through the SHIELD uniforms quickly taking one that seemed to be her size and another one to fit Tony. “Ugh, Mr Rogers,” Tony exasperated through the comms as all of them got into position, “I almost forgot that that suit did nothing for your ass.” “No one asked you to look,” Steve sighed through almost gritted teeth, but Y/N had to agree. The 2012 suit had been a complete flop in accentuating the Captains assets. “I think you look great, Cap,” Scott responded. “As far as I’m concerned, that’s America’s ass.” “You done there?” Y/N whispered as she moved into position downstairs to wait by the elevator. “We’re kinda on a mission here. Also, America’s ass only appeared when he got into that hot ass stealth suit. Thank you, dad, for that.” Steve groaned while Tony chuckled. “Thank you, bug. I’m glad at least someone appreciates my designs. But also, do not ever talk about looking at Steve’s ass ever again, or I’ll ground you.” “How can I not?” she muttered. “It’s right there.” But before Steve could say a syllable, Tony spoke up. “All right, Cap. I got our sceptre in the elevator just passing the 80th floor.” “On it,” he was back to his ‘soldier mode’. “Head to the lobby.” “Alright. I’ll see you there. Kid?” “Waiting for you by the staircase, the second suit is secured,” Y/N confirmed and settled in her position. “You’re a gem, bug.” Y/N smirked, and she would’ve stayed somewhat happy if not for STRIKE team appearing. “Ugh,” she groaned and sneered in Hydra’s direction. “Can I take those guys out? Preferably with a sniper?” “We don’t have time for that, kiddo,” Tony’s voice was now right next to her. “Bullshit, there’s always time for a little bit of that.” Tony rolled his eyes, but nevertheless, everyone was more or less in position. “Thumbelina, do you copy? I’ve got eyes on the prize,” he murmured right as his own younger version started to walk out of the building but was interrupted by Alexander Pierce showing up. “Bombs away.” A few seconds passed without anything happening, making Y/N’s nerves spike when Scott exclaimed, “Is, is that Axe body spray?” “Yeah, I had a can just for emergencies. Relax. Can we focus please?” “I’m going inside you.” “Ew,” Y/N winched, “don’t ever say anything like that ever again.” From the sidelines, she observed everyone until her eyes befell on Loki. She knew she’d see him here, there was no escaping that, but Y/N thought she had prepared herself better than this. Her breath got stuck hallway to her throat and tears threatened to spill from her eyes because here he was – in chains, yes, but alive. Alive and breathing and snarking back. “All right, move it, Stuart Little,” Tony was starting to get impatient. “Things are getting dicey up here. Let’s go.” “You promise me you won’t die?” Tony rolled his eye, and Y/N slapped his arm. “You’re only giving me a mild cardiac dysrhythmia.” Scott rebutted. “That doesn’t sound mild.” “Do it, Lang! Window’s closing in. Pull my pin!” And that’s when he did it. “Here goes!” If Y/N was being honest up until five years ago that day had been the worst of her life. After watching her dad fly a nuke into space with Pepper right beside her, and now seeing him crumble to the floor, was incredibly hard. To the point, she almost rushed to his side because the horrific memories were bad enough, but as planned, 2012 Tony dropped the case, and Scott kicked it towards the 2023 Tony and Y/N. With one swift movement, he had the Tesseract, and both were on their way to the meetup point. Then everything turned south. The Hulk smashed out from the stairs, knocking Tony and Y/N out of the way, and the suitcase with the Tesseract flew open, making the cube bounce out and slide all over the floor. “Shit,” Y/N almost yelled and scrambled to her feet right as the glowing stone stopped by Loki’s feet. She didn’t need to be a mind reader to know what would happen next. Without thinking, Y/N grabbed onto 2012 Loki’s shoulder right as he took the Tesseract and used it to disappear. A second later, the two tumbled onto the ground, and she managed to knock the cube out of his hold. Unsurprisingly, his chains and the mask on his face were off in an instant, signifying the fact he had just been playing along. Maybe his plan all along had been to bring together the Avengers in hopes of stopping Thanos one day, no matter if under the influence of the Mind stone or not. Or maybe he had just wanted to get back to Asgard and rule there. The two were up, their clothes covered in dirt, but Y/N’s focus on the Tesseract instead of the alien looking planet surrounding them, and Loki’s was on her. “I need that,” she said pointing at the cube. “That’s not a nice way to ask though, is it?” Loki snarked back, the two circling one another like lions ready to attack. When his back was on the stone, and it was in her eyesight, she got ready. Y/N blew a strand of hair out of her face and whipped her gaze back to look at the younger Loki. “I wasn’t asking.” And that’s when she pounced. When they first started training together, Loki had had the upper hand. For one, he was a literal god with hundreds of years of experience, and two, she wanted to learn his tricks. He was able to make new moves and surprise her, catch her off guard and bring her down, but this time Y/N knew she had him. They’d been together for three years, and though that was nothing but a blink of an eye for him, she knew how his body moved and bent, where his mind went to as he thought of his next attack or defence. Y/N knew him like the back of her hand. The second she deflected his dagger and twisted his arm around, she slammed the back of his knee and elbowed him in the back of his head. She had him. But Loki was stunned in a different kind of a way. “How did you know I’d do it?” his blue eyes were wide and looking at Y/N in complete bafflement. She didn’t deign to respond, instead, just kicked him in the jaw sending his head backwards. Three more steps and the Tesseract would be hers, but of course, once again things had to go south. A cold palm grabbed at her ankle, harshly yanking her down. Y/N was happy she managed to keep her tongue behind her teeth, but the clank wasn’t pleasant either way. “I’m sorry,” he smirked scrambling to straddle her, “but this will hurt.” His fingers pressed against her forehead, and Y/N’s eyes rolled to the back of her head. But Loki was not expecting the things he saw. It was him. But it wasn’t. And yet it was him with her and they were… tangled together in a bed. Their legs brushing against the other’s, soft fingers tracing his jaw and cheekbone while his lips left invisible marks on her lids, brows, nose and finally where she carved him the most – lips. “If paradise exists,” her voice was quiet as if she was afraid to pull them out of the moment, “this is it.” “Really? In the arms of a child’s nightmare?” “In the arms of the coolest man in the existence of the universe. Quite literally, your skin is freezing cold.” Loki snorted shaking his head. “That’s because I’m a Frost Giant, darling.” “Mhm,” her eyes were closed, content, “you never fail to remind me that. Especially as one of the reasons as to why I should be afraid of you.” “You should.” Her Y/E/C eyes were now open and had a defiant look in them. “Yet here we are.” “Yet here. We. Are,” he accentuated each word with a kiss. And what was so weird to the Loki watching what undoubtedly were Y/N’s memories, was the pure love her felt radiating off from them. No animosity, no scheming or underlying negative intent. When she gazed up at him, all he could feel was love. Loki retracted with a gasp clutching his arm to himself as if it had been singed, while Y/N balled up in a fetal position, fingers quickly burying themselves in her hair. “Just please,” her voice cracked. “I need it. I need it to make everything better… I couldn’t save you then… let me do something good for once.” Loki didn’t respond. He just stood there shocked and… and hurt. Hurt because the girl on the ground was weeping and weeping for him. Hurt because she looked like a fractured vase ready to crumble at the softest touch. Hurt because somehow someway the two of them would meet, fall in love, and, once again, he’d ruin something so precious. “I don’t want to hurt you,” Y/N gritted with a tearstained face, but with such defiance in her features, it took Loki aback as she finally glanced back at him, standing up on sure feet. “But I will if I have to.” “Why didn’t you use your powers on me?” That was not the question Y/N expected Loki to ask. In fact, she hadn’t used her powers ever since Thanos, so the only way he could know that was if he had felt them in her memories. Back then she’d have no problems surrounding the both of them in a telekinetic bubble to keep the world away. “ ‘M a bit rusty,” Y/N gritted and steadied herself again, “but I’m also desperate. So, I’ll do what I have to.” With that said, glimmering silver threads started to weave up and down her veins right to the middle of her forearms. It felt good to let loose, but after having bottled everything up for so long, Y/N was afraid she might explode. Though, if that was the cost, she’d pay it. Just as the blood vessels in her eyes turned from red to silver, power now fully encompassing her body, the Asgardian prince suddenly whipped his head to the side to where the Tesseract laid. “Do you trust me?” Loki asked, and as he said that, his eyes turned from the blue hue they’d assumed while under the power of the Mind stone into his jade orbs. It was like a punch into Y/N’s guts for she was looking into the eyes where her home was. So similar yet so different. “You? Not really, no.” But he just rolled his eyes like her Loki used to. With both of his hands raised, he moved closer to the cube. “Don’t,” he glanced at Y/N as she twisted her palm upwards ready to strike. “I promise I’m not going to flee. I swear… on my Mother.” With those words all will to fight left her, her powers pushed back into that bottle where she’d hidden them. Because Loki might’ve been the god of lies, but he would never break a promise he’d vowed to keep on his Mother. Y/N watched as he cautiously took the final steps to the Tesseract and lifted it from the ground. And though she expected to have to fight him for it, Loki marched towards her and extended his free hand. “Trust me on this one. That’s all I’m asking.” His green eyes bore into hers so deeply Y/N felt her heart breaking once again. Just like it had when she had stared at her lover in his final moments of defiance before they ceased to sparkle forever. She wasn’t even fully in control of her own body when her hand slid in his cold one, and, once again, they were transported to somewhere else. Instant warmth from all around surrounded Y/N as she beheld green vines wrapped around marble pillars, and a nightlight sky full of stars. Y/N was about to ask Loki where he’d taken her, but next to her stood not a tall man, but a slender woman with hair down to her waist. For a second, Y/N was dumbfounded as she scanned over the expanse of the garden, in search for Loki before she realized that woman was Loki. That’s when she remembered his shapeshifting abilities were more than just snakes and ravens. “You know, it’s a good thing you never assumed your female form while with me.” “Really?” she smirked, but Y/N could see the underlying uncertainty in his face. “How so?” “Because somehow I can guarantee you would wear my clothes, and I was not prepared for you to look better in them than me. You always had trouble with asking for things… And you were out of my league as a dude, so as a woman I’d have no chance.” Her shoulders instantly dropped, and Loki ushered them to start moving. “Where are we, by the way? Just curious.” Y/N piped up as they ventured towards two grand oak doors with intricate designs before being swept inside by the moving crowd. The large hall they’d entered was nothing short of grandiose. Huge tables were set up in long lines where people feasted on all imaginable things whether fruits, meats or vegetables. Everything and anything your heart could desire could be found on them. And the people were no different. The shapes and sizes did not matter, nor did the colour of their skin because each and every person was dressed in jewel encrusted and gold-thread lined clothes, their hairs up and loose in different styles, each more intricate than the other. But nothing matched the place itself. The warmth it radiated was not only physical form the ginormous hearths lining the sides of the room, but also emotional. It was welcoming and endearing. With the yellow light that surrounded them, stars shining through a cupola right above them, Y/N never wanted to leave this place. And how could she when right at the far side of the room by a table that stood higher than anyone else’s, her Loki sat and drank? “Loki?” Despite the fact that her voice was not raised but at a normal level, despite the roars of laughter of the rest in the room, instantly his head snapped up from where he had been leaning to the side listening in on what a gorgeous woman was telling him. His green eyes widened in disbelief, and for a minute both just remained as they were – Y/N frozen in the middle of the aisle, and Loki sitting on the gilded chair. Then he was up and jumping over the table running towards her. The wind got knocked out from both of them as their bodies collided. They were crying, rivers flowing from their eyes as they trembled in the others grasp. For Y/N, it might have been five years, but for Loki, although it was a split second, it felt like an eternity. Any moment without her was too long in his already centuries-long life. “I love you,” Y/N instantly said grabbing onto his cheeks and pulling back, completely not believing he was there, but she would not let go of this moment. “I love you and I’m not wasting another second. I didn’t get a chance to say it before, but now, knowing this might be it forever, I’m… I’m not going to let this slip. I love you, I’m in love with you, all of that and above.” “I – you,” Loki couldn’t form any words, green eyes frantically taking in every inch of Y/N’s face. His body screamed at him to never let go, to wrap his arms around her and pull her flush to him. To become and remain as one. But the only thing he could do was ask, “how are you here?” “He won, Loki.” “What?” “Thanos,” Y/N sighed and shook her head, “he won. He got the rest of the stones, snapped his fingers and wiped out half the universe.” “S-so you’re gone as well?” the question was barely audible. There was such pain in his eyes and such guilt, Y/N instantly knew what he was thinking of – I failed, and this is my fault. Even sacrificing everything wasn’t enough. I failed you, and you’re dead because of me. “No,” she grabbed his face between her palms, “no… I’m… still alive… Even if I was… you know… dead, I don’t think, I’d be here, in Valhalla and such… actually, it’s been five years since then. And now we’re on a time heist.” His black eyebrow raised in a sleek arch. “A time heist?” “Well, that’s what Scott calls it.” “Who’s Scott?” “Ant-Man.” “Ant-Man?” “It’s,” Y/N huffed, “it’s a long story. But basically, the stones are in the past, so we’re here to get them so we can undo the Snap.” His hand had remained on her waist the whole time, but the second she mentioned the Snap it tightened its grip. “Then how did you end up here?” “I uh,” Y/N smirked and shook her head looking down at the ground, “I met someone along the way.” Loki’s heart shattered at the words, but he willed himself to smile. It had been five years for her, and the only thing in his life that he found had meaning, was her happiness. Sure, he wanted it to be him, but he couldn’t blame Y/N for trying to move on. “They’re really great if they allowed this opportunity,” his slender finger brought her chin up, and their eyes met once again. “But I don’t think they’d like it if you professed your love for someone else.” Y/N’s eyebrows scrunched up, and her mouth opened but no words escaped her. She couldn’t understand what Loki was talking about, but then it dawned on her, and she had to hold off the snort that threatened to escape. “No,” she shook her head, “I don’t think he’d mind much. He’s…. a bit brash right now, a bit self-centred… and frankly quite the asshole.” She could feel the other Loki bristle from somewhere behind them, but Y/N’s lips pulled in a soft smile. “But underneath that, I know there’s a good person with a broken heart. And that they just crave a bit of love. So no, I don’t think you’d mind much if I told you I loved you.” “Wha-“ but Loki didn’t finish his sentence as the puzzle pieces settled in place. Time heist. Past. The stones. Undoubtedly New York and the Tesseract. Which meant he himself was somewhere in Valhalla in disguise with the blue cube and had brought her here to him. A tear slipped down his cheek, and Y/N wiped it away with her calloused thumb. Too many battles stood between the soft woman he'd met and the hardened warrior in front of him. Not that she couldn’t hold herself before, but now he could see too many harsh edges on her… too many for her to ever have. “I’m one lucky man, aren’t I? To have such a kind soul give her all to me?” “And I’m one lucky girl to have you trust her with your heart.” “You know,” he swallowed hard, “that whatever happens, I can’t come with you, and I won’t come back after you snap your fingers…” a tear rolled down Loki’s cheek, and with a sad smile, Y/N wiped it away. “I wasn’t one of the decimated.” “I know. But at least we got this. At least now you know I love you.” “I already did, darling. You didn’t need to say it. I could see it in everything you did for me, and never,” he made sure the last word was hard and strong and sure, “have I doubted it. I love you too.” “I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you,” Y/N murmured in the crook of his neck, hot tears splashing against his chilled skin. “Had you tried to do anything, you would’ve succumbed to the same fate. And I could never exist knowing I was the cause of it.” Y/N sniffled shaking her head. “I mean you wouldn’t be. It’d be my own stupidity, but whatever.” The rumble, however, broken it was, seeped out from his bones into hers, if only for a moment reminding her of the good times they’d spent together. Of all the laughter they’d shared, and had now been granted another moment. Y/N felt someone approach, and right as she pulled her head away from Loki’s chest, a perfectly manicured hand settled on his shoulder. “My son,” a woman with golden tresses and the kindest smile Y/N had ever seen stood next to them. “Is she the one?” The girl pulled back completely and wiped her suddenly sweaty palms against the tactical suit only to dirty them more with the soot that covered it. “It’s uh very nice to meet you. I’d say it’s absolutely lovely, but given the circumstances, I really can’t.” “Can’t say I’m too happy about the circumstances either, but to finally meet the woman who’s been taking care of my son’s heart, is a pleasure,” Frigga responded with a gentle grin. Loki’s palm briefly tightened around Y/N’s waist before he slid it down to grab her hand in his. One last second. “Loki’s been talking about you a lot.” Y/N sniffled and wiped away a tear. “Hope only bad things. That way I have a higher chance to impress.” Frigga sighed and shook her head. “Just the good ones, I’m afraid.” “And here I thought I could woo your mother,” Y/N chuckled, but everyone around them could hear how forced the levity was. She was just about to give her final final goodbyes when someone coming forth from the crowd startled her. She had turned back into her male-Loki form, given how there was no point in hiding anymore. Y/N had practically spelt it out that it was him who had brought them to Valhalla with the Tesseract, and no illusion would ever fool Frigga. “Y/N?” he asked looking at the Tesseract in his hands, teeth gnawing on his bottom lip. “Approximately after how much time do we meet after New York?” “Give or take a couple of years, why?” “If I go back,” and now the younger Loki was looking at the possible incarnation of his older self and the woman, “will we meet for certain?” “Loki,” Y/N went up to him detaching from her lover’s grasp. “If you go back if you do as my Loki did… you’ll most likely succumb to the same fate…” tenderly she placed both her palms on his cheeks and made him keep his gaze on her. “You have a chance to leave all this behind. Ditch that damned Tesseract, and live out your life. Because Thanos won’t stop. Not now, not ever. That’s why we’re trying to undo everything. You go back, and you’ll die.” For a second the 2012 Loki seemed to rethink everything especially as his eyes drifted to where his older counterpart stood next to his mother. And a relieved sort of smile came over his face. “Somehow, that fate doesn’t seem so bad. Especially if only for a moment I get to have a happy life… if only for a moment I get to know you… because even death doesn’t seem to keep you away from me.” Y/N snorted and rolled her eyes, punching Loki in the arm before pulling him into a hug. “I probably shouldn’t be saying this but just so you know,” she mumbled, “when we first meet, I beat the shit out of you.” “You kinda already did,” Loki’s grip tightened before letting go. “Oh no,” her Loki approached the two, “what she did to you – me? – was nothing. Trust me… or yourself… I guess? This is all so very confusing.” Reluctantly Y/N turned back to her Loki, letting her forehead rest against his chest. “I wish we had more time,” he whispered hiding his nose in her hair and gently stroking the locks. They were shorter and dryer than he remembered. As if she hadn’t had a single moment to take care of herself. Or hadn’t wanted to. “I know,” Y/N gulped and released a shuddering breath keeping the sobs away. “But I’ve learned to be grateful even for the smallest of moments… and this was more than I ever hoped to have. I just wish whenever I die, I could come here,” Y/N whimpered, “to you… I could come home.” “Nothing and no one will ever replace you, and every second without you, my love, is Hel. You are my everything. Don’t forget that.” “Somehow this love declaration,” Y/N sniffled, “isn’t making me feel any better. I don’t want you to be miserable.” Loki tilted his head to the side but smiled. “You made sure that I knew perfection through you, so it’s kind of your fault,” and before she could rebut, his lips were on hers. For the first time in five years, they were on hers once again. And Y/N was not about to let him go that easily. The thought that people were all around them was completely thrown to the wind, and she grabbed at the hairs on the nape of Loki’s neck and brutally yanked his head closer, making him moan into the kiss. The touch of their lips was already messy from all the tears, but when his tongue snaked its way into Y/N’s mouth, she completely melted, to the point he had to keep her body against his as tightly as possible to prevent her from collapsing to the ground. “I don’t want to go,” she choked back once both came up for some air, “I don’t want to leave you.” “But you have to.” He hated the words that left his mouth. If it was up to Loki, he’d grab Y/N by her waist have her wrap her legs around his, and he’d go to ends of Valhalla to spend an eternity with her. But alas, that was not in their cards. “Make everything right. Bring everyone home.” And Y/N nodded, not daring to look up at him because she knew she’d completely break if she did. Without a glance back, she grabbed onto the hand of 2012 Loki and nodded at him to do it. To open the portal. But he didn’t. “You said that Thanos won… and now you went back in time to undo what he did…” 2012 Loki seemed lost in thought as he chewed on his lip before uttering, “What if there was a possibility both of you could return? I mean, I did bring you here,” Loki gave Y/N a pointed look and flipped the Tesseract in his hand. “What makes it that he can’t walk out with you?” “In theory, that’s all fine and dandy, but that is the Space stone, not the Time stone. If we’d return anywhere that would most likely be back to 2012, but I need to get back to 2023, and this,” Y/N pointed at the Stark-designed bracelet, “is the only way. We travel through the quantum realm, and I only have enough Pym particles for one jump let alone another bracelet.” “So, you get back to 2012, travel to whatever time you need to get more of those particles, get Stark to create another bracelet, and you’re set to go.” “It’s not that simple,” Y/N exasperated. “First of all, I have no idea when Pym invented them. Second of all, if I get stuck there, I literally have no way to get back apart from staying there and growing old, most likely creating a new timeline as is, and that would fuck up a whole bunch of things for me.” “Y/N,” 2012 Loki’s voice was low and gentle. Soothing almost. “Are you su-“ “Just do it,” she hissed, red-rimmed eyes boring into his. “Just take me back.” And there was nothing else to it. With a bowed head, Y/N awaited for that pull she’d felt while they’d been flung through space the first time, and a couple of seconds later they were back in Stark tower, though now it was a secluded enough room, most likely a storage area instead of the crowded lobby. “So,” Loki looked over his shoulder to spot any guards and then back to Y/N, “this is it, huh?” She lifted her shoulders and then dropped them with a deep huff. “I guess so. I still mean it by the way,” she wiped away a tear. “That you’re an asshole.” Loki smirked twirling the Tesseract in his hand. “Noted.” “Miss Y/L/N?” a voice she hadn’t heard in years popped onto the speakers. Y/N and Loki both dropped to the ground crouching behind the wall, and his head turned to the side as her breath hitched. The voice was uncertain as if he couldn’t understand what was going on, but it was really him. “Hey, J.A.R.V.I.S. How are ya’?” “I’m quite alright, Miss, but may I ask, what are you doing with the prisoner? You know your father and the Avengers are looking for him.” Loki’s face turned into a sneer, and Y/N had to put an arm out in front of him, so he didn’t do anything stupid like give away their position of where they were hiding if for whatever reason someone was down there. “Yeah, I do, bud, but here’s the thing…” she bit on her lip. Dad would kill her. “I think both you and I know something’s going on.” There was a pause, as J.A.R.V.I.S contemplated her words. “Yes, I think I do. Given how my scans showed there were two Mr Starks in the building as well as two Captain Rogers and an undefined male the size of an ant, I’m quite certain that other things than the attack are going on as well.” Y/N smiled, looking up at the ceiling. “You were always the clever one out of all of us.” “I’m an A.I. Miss,” and even though his voice was levelled, she could hear the sarcasm slip through, “I do know everything.” “Yeah, you do,” Y/N whispered and glanced at Loki who was just observing the interaction. His eyebrow raised in question. “Ok,” she finally said. “Here’s the deal – you need to keep this information to yourself. No matter what dad says or does, do not let him know this. I’m pretty certain you know there’s another Banner in the city as well, but I need you to keep the last half an hour under lock and key and throw it in the ocean. For everyone’s sakes.” J.A.R.V.I.S’s answer came a second later. “And when Mr Stark asks me to replay the footage for the debrief?” “Just,” Y/N shrugged, “act as if we were never here. A.K.A – erase the parts were there suddenly showed up duplicates of people. And when I get out of here, that as well, please?” “I can, Miss, but first you’ll have to get past the S.H.I.E.L.D guards situated on each floor as well as the STRIKE team.” “Mhm,” and then something went off in her mind. “Speaking of S.H.I.E.L.D – you might want to dig a bit deeper into what you found on the Hellacarrier.” “And what would I presumably find there?” “Oh you know,” Y/N waved J.A.R.V.I.S off like it was nothing, “some little tidbits of hidden Hydra members within S.H.I.E.L.D.” “That is… truly interesting.” “Indeed,” Y/N nodded along. In a way, she was trying to prolong every second she could spend in this timeline, because no matter the fact it wasn’t her Loki, it was Loki one way or another. “Don’t you need to go?” he motioned with his head to the bracelet that sat snugly against her knuckles. And she did, actually. She had to find Tony, Steve and Scott and explain what the hell had happened when some words spoken to her before wouldn’t leave her mind. “J.A.R.V.I.S, buddy,” Y/N spoke looking up to Loki. “Can you help me with a little science project?”

***

His heart had shattered five years ago when he’d had his final look on Y/N’s face to engrain every detail in his mind before Thanos snapped his neck. This – her having been in Valhalla and having had those few moments with her - hurt more. Loki was just about to walk away, his mother wiping away the tears that streamed down his cheeks when the Tesseract portal opened once again, and his 2012 version stepped out with Y/N. “This is your choice,” she held up a second bracelet, twin to the one on her own hand. “But we might need your help in whatever happens.” She was visibly shaking, fingers holding onto the piece of technology with such a tight grip, the leather glove covering her palm looked about to burst. Loki’s head whipped back to look at Frigga, to maybe see her own face just as stunned as he was, but that was not the case. Just as kind as her smile had been from the beginning, it remained at that moment. “Go,” she muttered to Loki, before pressing a gentle kiss to her son’s forehead. “Be with the one you love.” It was the only thing he needed to hear. As much as it hurt to leave his mother behind, he knew there’d come a time the two would be reunited. But this was his time to be with Y/N. A second chance that if let go of, would never return. Practically sprinting, he grabbed the bracelet from her extended fingers, and he saw how her form sagged with relief, a chocked back sob lumping up somewhere in her throat. “Oh, and please take care of your brother!” Frigga exclaimed before the three were enveloped in blue-black clouds of smoke, and then they were gone.

***

Two more seconds, a recalibration of the bracelets, and Loki and Y/N were whisked away from the destruction of 2012 New York and back to the old Avengers compound in 2023. “Y/N?” Tony was baffled as to how she was back, fully prepared to drown himself in grief as he had thought he’d lost her. “Brother?” Thor’s breathless whisper to Loki was filled with so much joy it was like he was visibly beaming. But then everyone’s eyes drifted to the empty spot next to Clint. “Clint, where’s Nat?” Bruce asked stepping forward. Y/N squeezed Loki’s hand harder. Just by the look on Steve’s face and Clint’s broken soul, she knew the answer. The archer didn’t even look at them as he stepped off the platform and slammed the stone on the table nearby. “She got the stone.” And he walked out. Y/N was about to be sick. She was about to throw up right in the middle of the stand, but not before ruining a bunch of punching bags. Her powers screamed at her to be released, to somehow alleviate the anger coursing through her veins, but she pushed everything down, just like she had for five years. Suddenly, the fact she had Loki with her, that they were together meant little to nothing. Because Nat was gone. It felt like an exchange. Like it was Y/N’s fault. Selfishly she had thought they could have it all. Keep what they had, and bring back what they’d lost. Those were Tony’s words. But as they repeated themselves through her brain while she stalked away and outside the compound, she couldn’t help the hand that slapped over her mouth. What was it worth if it meant her family would still be broken in pieces? “Darling?” her trickster’s soothing voice full of concern came from somewhere behind her, but Y/N wasn’t ready to face him. “Can you give me a moment?” hoarse words came as her response. “I just need a minute alone.” “I truly don’t think that’s the be-“ “Please.” She couldn’t keep it together for much longer, and she sure as hell won’t let him see in that kind of a state. Especially because Y/N blamed her decision for the loss of Nat. “Just,” she cleared her throat not looking back at him. “Just give me a moment, and I’ll be back inside. Thor probably wants to talk, so you should go to him.” But Loki turned out to be closer than expected. His cold lips pressed a single kiss to the base of her neck. “I’m always there for you.” With that, he retreated as Y/N had asked. That’s when the dam broke. She crumpled into a little ball, two trembling palms pressed against her mouth to keep in the sobs inside, as she leaned her head against the wall of the building. And she remained in that same position for a good while just letting grief and pain consume every inch of her body until someone sat down by her. “What happened?” Tony asked, pulling Y/N into his side. “Are you alright? How is he here? Why is he here?” “Firstly,” she choked on her own spit before straightening out. His calming touch on her back, easing some of that hurt. They all were hurting. “2012 Hulk was not happy about you making him take the stairs, which lead to us losing the Tesseract, and me jumping to try and get to Loki. Secondly, I’m fine. Thirdly, that is a bit harder and longer to explain. And lastly, because we might need his help.” “With what?” “Dad,” she whispered, “we have no idea what could happen to whoever wields the stones. Not only does he have powers that include healing, but he knows more about those things than we do… and he’s in a better condition to explain that to us than Thor, at least right now. Everything that happened was a hard blow on him… he might try and do something stupid.” She gave him a painful smile because she knew Tony understood she was talking about herself as well. “People might try and do a lot of things out of guilt.” That’s when Tony’s head cleared. “Like try and snap his fingers?” “Mhm,” Y/N nodded leaning her head on his shoulder. “Loki might be the only voice of reason to keep him from it.” “And you?” “What about me?” “Will he be enough to keep you from doing something stupid?” A little lightness settled in her heart. “I’m a Stark. Stupid’s our middle name.”

***

Just as predicted, once the glove was done and ready to be used, Thor volunteered to be the one to wield it. Despite Tony’s protests saying that he wasn’t in the right condition to do so, despite Steve saying it was okay to let it be someone else, the thunder god would not back down. Y/N had not spoken to Loki about what had happened to her once outside the compound, but she had been right when talking to her father. He was the only clear voice that could get through his brother’s mind. “Brother,” Loki spoke looking into Thor’s eyes that had tears in them as he so desperately was trying to push his way to the gauntlet. “Let this one go. Please.” “Just,” Thor smashed his fist against Loki’s chest but there was no fight left in him. “Just let me do one good thing. Let me bring them back.” “You’ve done enough, brother,” Loki’s voice soothed him. “Let someone else do the fighting for once.” One final weak punch against his chest, but Thor backed down, and Bruce stepped up. What happened next was a blur. Bruce dawned the gauntlet, he snapped his fingers, Loki dropping to his knees next to Tony as they applied what healing medicine and magic, they knew. Scott made everyone notice how there was suddenly much more life outside, and Clint’s phone rang, his wife on the other side of the line. Then everything was blown up. Quite literally, a barrage of bombs obliterated the compound, sending everyone every which way. Y/N had enough of a mind to surround herself in a ball of telekinetic shield as she plummeted towards the hole in the ground, debris and rubble settling on top of her while rushing water quickly filled up the space. She had no idea where anyone else was. Y/N could hear voices speak through the comms, what sounded like Tony trying to wake up Steve, and Rhodey was calling for help somewhere not far from where she herself was stuck, but there was so much ringing in her head, it took all of her concentration to keep the shield up to not get crushed by the tons of concrete about to fall on her head, Y/N couldn’t respond to the people calling to check if she was alright. Her comms crackled before they completely gave out. Y/N was on her own.

***

Not only was everything down below the rushing waters and rubble chaos, but on the up as well. Thanos was back and stronger than ever. As Steve, Tony and Thor went against the Mad Titan much as they had half a decade ago, even without the stones, it seemed so much dier. He was practically invincible, his double-edged sword slashing at Steve’s shield with such vigour that he felt it in his teeth. “Okay, Thor,” Tony announced seeing Thanos fling Steve away. “Hit me.” Thor smashed both Mjolnir and Stormbreaker together and with a yell, directed the lightning to the wing-like opening of Tony’s suit which he instantly charged up with, and shot Thanos with all of his repulsors. But even that would not take him down. As Thor swung Mjolnir at Thanos, and Tony charged to deliver another hit, the Mad Titan managed to grab the Iron Man suit, and used it as a human shield, properly knocking the genius out. Thanos’s smirk widened as Thor came his way, ready to deliver the killing blow, his battle axe pointed at his neck, but one little misstep, and he had the upper hand over the Asgardian. With a wicked grin, he grasped onto the handle of the weapon made specifically to kill him and pushed Stormbreaker deeper and deeper into Thor’s chest. Right as it was about to pierce the god’s skin, Mjolnir flew into Thanos’s face. Everyone was blindsided for a moment making the two conscious Avengers and the purple nutsack turn their heads to the side. With unreal rage shining in her green eyes as she stared down the Thanos, Nat lifted her head. And then a devilish smirk pulled up the corner of her lip. A smile that made even the Mad Titan bristle. “I’m always picking up after you boys, huh?” She didn’t give him even a second to recuperate before swinging the hammer right up into his jaw, making the alien fly backwards. “I knew it,” Thor’s brilliant grin was such a stark contrast to the scene around them, it almost felt out of place. Almost. “Guess we got the answer to that age-old question?” a teary-eyes Steve limped towards Nat, his heart bursting at the seams. He always knew she was worthy, despite her past. None of theirs was clean, but it wasn’t about that. It was about doing everything to right those wrongs. And Natasha was the purest form of that. “Guess we did,” Nat smirked and twirled the hammer in her hand before rotating around herself and smashing it against the shield where Steve had crouched down and lifted it above his head. But the rejoicing didn’t last long. Thanos once again got the upper hand. With Tony still out, F.R.I.D.A.Y desperately trying to wake her boss up, Nat flung against the wall and stunned, and Thor slammed so hard against the ground he could feel his rib crack, it was just the Captain left standing. Slash after slash after slash Thanos practically destroyed Steve’s shield before throwing him away. He looked at the jagged edges of the symbol of freedom. Something that symbolized what Captain America was; now shattered and broken. But even then, he stood up. Swaying and barely able to hold on his feet, Steve was ready to face Thanos, no matter if he had help and his family by his side or alone. He was still that same kid from Brooklyn who didn’t know when to back out of a fight. And this was the fight of their lives. He’d been afraid a few times in his life, stubbornness mostly making him disregard the queasy feeling in his stomach. The first time was when he stood up to a bully at school. He was way bigger than Steve, and the blond knew he’d get a pummeling. The second time he was truly afraid again was when he lost Bucky. When he was clutching to that side of the train and watched as his best friend fell to his death, and Steve could do nothing. Putting that plane in the ocean was another one. He’d prepared himself for death, to be knocked out immediately, but that was not true. Instead, Steve, with horror flushing through his body, realized that permanent sleep would not come for a while. So, he’d laid down on the ground and waited. All he remembers after that is cold. Waking up in a different century without anyone to hold on for support was another one. Then finding out Bucky had been alive this whole time tortured and under the control of Hydra one more. The breaking apart of his makeshift family and cluelessness as to what to do now, another. Thanos. And now the purple grape once more. But his army was no match for what they’d fought in Wakanda. This was a universe against one man. Yet even through that, even with his body screaming for him to stop, Steve fastened the belts of his shield tighter to his arm and faced the oncoming onslaught. And then… “Cap, you hear me?” His comms crackled once more. “Cap, it’s Sam. Can you hear me?” His heart sped up. “On your left.” Slowly, not wanting to believe the voice ringing through the communication system, Steve turned to his left only to see bright orange sparks fly in a circular motion. And then it spread. With each passing heartbeat, it grew wider and wider and then, as tears of joy and relief flew down Steve’s cheeks, as he saw Tony finally regain consciousness and Thor and Nat all sat up from the ground, Sam flew into the air. He flew in a sharp U-turn motion around Steve before back inside the portal, Shuri, T’Challa and Okoye leading the Wakandan army. It was a message to Thanos form the family he’d taken and but was now back. Don’t you dare touch him. Fear morphed into hope as more and more portals opened, and he saw Bucky and Groot exit, he saw people and creatures he didn’t know join the fight, sky splitting apart and letting space ships stand their ground against Thanos as well. The universe. He hadn’t just pissed off Earth, Steve remembered. He’d fucked with the whole damned universe and now had come the reckoning hour. With a little flinch to the side, Steve watched as Giant Man emerged from the rubble of what used to be his home, but in his palm was more help. Bruce with Rhodey next to him and Rocket placed on his shoulder all stepped onto the battlefield, while Y/N, her veins and eyes glowing silver, floated herself and Loki next to him. Steve hadn’t seen her use her powers in so long, he felt physical relief, and when Wanda settled herself next to both her and Loki, the Scarlet Witch’s eyes glowing a blazing red while the trickster’s hands were surrounded by jade swirls, he knew that this time would be different. They had the upper hand. “Avengers!” he yelled rushing to stand in place as the leader, letting that hope and happiness and rage fuel him as the army made of everyone willing to fight in the whole cosmos had his back. Steve was ready. “Assemble.” Repulsors and lightning and the Seidr and so much more blurred together as everyone charged at Thanos. “How do you wield this thing?” Natasha grunted swinging the hammer at one of the beasts coming her way and taking off its jaw. “It’s horribly balanced.” “Trust me,” Thor huffed and motioned with his head to Stormbreaker. “This one’s worse.” “Tasha?” Clint’s voice cracked at the last syllable when he finally emerged from the rubble, and she was the first person he saw. His eyes immediately started watering. Somehow by some impossible force, his redhead was there. And wielding Mjolnir. For a split second, their eyes met, and Clint was greeted by the widest smile in the universe, but she didn’t get to run and hug her best friend when she was knocked down by a beast, a painful grunt escaping her, but Sam was there and took the hound off its balance and viciously stabbed it in the chest with his wings. There’d be time to bring her in the tightest hug ever and smack her over the head for what she’d done on Vormir, Clint told himself. He’d make sure of it. “Cap, what do you want me to do with this damn thing?” he spoke into the comms while dodging the attacks coming his way. “Get those stones as far away as possible!” “Wait!” Loki yelled and rushed to get to Clint. “Give me the Gauntlet.” “Not a chance, Rock of Ages,” the archer extended his sword. The last time the two were in the same room they had not ended on the best of terms. And even though he'd helped bruce after he'd redone the Snap, he still didn't trust the god. “Oh you, moron,” Loki gritted, making a clone of himself behind Clint. Unfortunately for the Avenger, he wasn’t fast enough, and the raven-haired god snatched the Gauntlet, but despite what Clint expected him to do by pulling the thing on and wielding the stones, he didn’t. Instead, Loki grabbed the Space Stone. For a moment he was overwhelmed by the pure power it radiated and dropped down to his knee, making Clint have to fend off a few attackers, but then Loki was up, back straight and eyes glowing cobalt blue with a smile that chilled the archer to the core. “Uh, guys, Witch-boy has the stone.” “What?” Steve was almost panicking. “Get that thing away from Loki!” But as Clint was just about to fight with the god once more, he stopped dead in his tracks. As he looked upon the man who once had him under mind control and made him fight his friends, his family, he instead turned around and protected him, with Y/N guarding Loki’s twelve because both in the sky and on the ground two large portals were being opened. Not the kind the Wizards and Strange had with the glowing orange sparks, but blue-black clouds rolling into themselves as they expanded and glorious rows of golden armoured soldiers came marching out while the silvery gleam of the swords of the Valkyries, the wings of their Pegasus’s glinting in the sunlight of Valhalla took to the skies. “Thought we might need some help, so I gathered the best of the best. Now,” he said replacing the Infinity stone back into the gauntlet, “get them out of here.” And never in his life did Clint think he’d be taking an order from Loki, yet there he was nodding and running away. “No,” Bruce interrupted, “we need to get them back where they came from.” Y/N grunted and whipped her head around as she barely avoided a lethal slash of a claw. “No way to get them back,” Loki yelled over the commotion and ducked as Tony blasted his repulsor over his head and pulverized an alien. “Thanos destroyed the quantum tunnel.” But then Scott, as before with his time heist idea brought hope once again. “Hold on! That wasn’t our only time machine!” And over all of the commotion, everyone heard the annoying sound of his car’s honk. “Anyone seen an ugly brown van up there?” Steve sprinted up the debris to oversee the field, but the Valkyries had a better advantage point. “Yes,” Brunhilde managed to reply as she led the charge against the Leviathans, “but you’re not gonna like where it’s parked.” “Scott, how long do you need to get that thing working?” Tony asked, killing a beast that was about to pounce on Pepper from behind. Scott shook his head surveying the position he was in and where the van was. “Maybe ten minutes.” “Get it started,” Steve ordered. “We’ll get the stones to you.” And with Hope’s confirmation that they were on it, everyone now refocused their attention on protecting the stones and making sure they were delivered to Scott safe and sound. Though everyone was fighting to the best of their abilities, back to back with strangers as if they’d known one another their whole lives, people still got taken down. One of the beasts had gotten a claw in Bruce’s ruined shoulder and had pushed him to the ground. Brawl overtook his brain part as he tried to fight it off, but it was no use as tons of pressure were put on the wound, pain clouding his whole being until it wasn’t. Sudden relief and the release of pressure came when Natasha had swung the hammer and dislodged the thing off of Bruce’s body. “I thought I failed. I – I couldn’t bring you back.” He didn’t even care about the horrible throbbing in his side. Nat was back. She was there, and her palms were on his cheeks, green eyes looking over every inch of his body to see if there were any more injuries. “But you did, big guy,” Nat crouched down pulling Bruce in a hug. “Just not to here, but where I was – 2014 Vormir. Took me a moment to gather my bearings, and then I jumped back into the quantum tunnel.” She pulled back and gave him a smile. “A split second later Thanos showed up, and I got blown away. Did you really think you’d live your lives without me? In any case, I’d find a way to haunt your asses. I could smell the stupid even from galaxies and years away.” “Well, as Y/N said,” Tony remarked into the comms. “Stupid’s our family’s middle name.” “Speaking of stupid,” Loki piped in, “how’s the van going?” “The system’s fired,” a clearly distressed Hope replied. “Scott’s hotwiring it now.” A collective ‘fuck’ could be heard ringing through the field. When Y/N got the information, her own comm long ago useless and discarded somewhere under the compound, she felt something in her gut was about to sour. Whipping her head around, her eyes befell on Wanda pulling Thanos apart limb by limb, the pain from losing her brother years ago and then Vision right in front of her fueling her powers. In that little moment, Y/N had been distracted, Loki’s hand wrapped around her waist as he flung her to the side, away from the attack of a Leviathan. “What are you thinking?!” he yelled, terrified that had he been a second too late she’d be dead. “Thanos-“ but Y/N didn’t have enough time to even finish the sentence when blasters started raining down on them. Even though her instinct was to curl up in a ball and shield her head, that’s how long she hadn’t used her powers, Y/N gathered herself enough to extend her hands upwards much like the sorcerers had and created a shield to protect the ones on the ground. Each hit against it was like a knife to a part of her body. Loki had grabbed onto her shoulder, pushing his own powers into her veins to help her somehow, but even with their combined strengths, he knew Y/N wouldn’t last long, and neither would he. The god could feel her fatigue and how each blast slowly but surely depleted more and more of her essence. “I love you, my darling,” he muttered leaning his head down and kissing her neck. “More than anything.” And though it was intended to be a goodbye, as he was about to push all of his powers into Y/N to keep her alive, the assault stopped. Instead, the blasters turned their nozzles to the sky and fired there. She sagged against his side, Loki immediately supporting her weight as everyone watched in confusion as to what they were firing at. “Does F.R.I.D.A.Y know anything?” Y/N asked still blinded by the smoke that covered the sky. “Not as fa-“ he started but then the ship was struck by a single blinding beam and brought down in moments crash-landing in the lake. Carol. “D-Do you know her?” Loki asked clearly bewildered at Y/N’s smiling expression. “We just might have a chance,” came her simultaneous reply as the Captain said, “Danvers, we need an assist here.” She was the additional force they needed, but she was also the additional motivation for Thanos to get the stones faster. As everyone gathered behind to protect Captain Marvel, the glove and in turn Peter Parker from any harm that might come his way, Y/N noticed how Wanda took to the skies with the Valkyries, meaning Thanos knew he could have his shot now. But not if she had any say in it. Whipping the last bits of her powers around the Mad Titan, Y/N brought him to the ground; pushing so that his elbows and back were flush against the battered earth. She was quickly breaking down, the flame that burned inside of her dwindling like a candle in the wind, but she had enough for one last move. One last sacrifice. “I love you, Loki,” Y/N whispered to her trickster, watching as he fought a horde of the Outriders, and gave all of herself to the kill. Proxima Midnight's spear into her shoulder threw her off balance. The pain was unexpected and harsh. Y/N let go of Thanos, and that gave him the chance to throw her away like a ragdoll. “That’s my kid!” she vaguely heard Tony roar or maybe whisper but there was no time to focus on that. Proxima Midnight was clambering her way towards Y/N, and then again, as she was about to bring her powers to null and give her life in the process, pain shot down from her shoulder all the way to her side, as Loki had grabbed the spear and with lethal accuracy struck Proxima Midnight in the chest. Y/N was gasping and whimpering from how much everything hurt, but that was nothing compared to the numbing fear that spread once she saw Thanos extend his hand up in the air with their version of the gauntlet on it. Somehow while she was fighting her own battle, he’d gotten the stones. It had all been for nothing. “I am inevitable,” Thanos grunted, staring down Tony, but when his fingers snapped, when they were supposed to be wiped out from existence, nothing happened. Y/N didn’t need an explanation as to what was about to happen. She had had a gut feeling of where everything was going right from the get-go but seeing the man that had raised her as his own despite it not being so, seeing her father figure raise his gaze to meet Thanos’s made her heart plummet. The nanotech pulled the stones upward and settled them against each knuckle with the Soul stone in the middle. Y/N knew this was it. She knew it would be the end. But someone she had never expected to intrude did. “Stark, take my hand!” Quill yelled as he sprinted towards the genius with an outstretched palm. Everyone but Nebula, Groot, Rocket and Drax seemed confused, as the Guardians were already rushing towards where Tony was kneeling on the ground. The second Peter’s hand connected to his, both let out gasps – Tony of relief, Peter of strain as the power of the stones rippled through them both. That’s when everyone on the battlefield sprang into action rushing to their sides. A moment of confusion from Thanos, was enough for the rest of the Avengers to gather and grab onto the extended palms of the Guardian’s, while Y/N clasped onto his right shoulder with Pepper behind her, then Steve, Nat, Clint, Thor and Loki lengthening the line. The second Bucky took hold of Sam’s hand, was when Thanos realized what was going on. Everyone else was preoccupied with becoming a part of the chain, but not Carol. Scrambling up from the ground, she shot to the Mad Titan mid-run and knocked him over, bringing him into a chokehold, while Strange and the rest of his Wizards created a huge shield around all the heroes and kept the barrage away. Thanos raised his fist into the air signalling his army to attack while trying to get rid of Carol, but it was no use. As Peter Parker finished off the chain, taking a hold of Bucky’s and then Shuri’s palms, creating a full-on circle with Tony in the middle, Carol had her arms wrapped around Thanos’s neck, pulling him back and throwing him off his balance while Wong, Strange and the rest of the Wizards created shields of magic to guard them. “And we… are… the Avengers…” With a final defying smile to Thanos, the monster that had been haunting him for more than a decade in life and in nightmares, Tony snapped his own fingers. The use of the stones made everyone groan as the collective power of them rushed through the connected bodies, but one by one, the army disintegrated before their eyes as did Thanos himself; sitting alone on a piece of debris with a bowed head in defeat. The moment the deed was done, Tony asked F.R.I.D.A.Y to release his arm, dropping the metal piece with the stones to the ground, relieving everyone and himself from the painful strain. Y/N’s shoulder started to profusely bleed, more so than it had before, and the last thing she saw before darkness came was the beautiful face of her Loki. If this was it, she was glad they’d had at least those few moments together. And then everything was black.

***

Never in her life did Y/N think the first thing she’d hear after waking up from a coma would be Tony’s yelling about how irresponsible she was, Pepper’s sobs of how stupid and selfish it was of her to leave them like that and Loki’s incessant pacing, while from time to time he threw her a worried gaze which quickly turned into an icy dagger. “Wow, what a ‘welcome back, you’re not dead’ greeting this is,” Y/N grumbled and quickly regretted it. “Don’t start this, missy,” Pepper was beyond furious. “Do you know how scared Morgan was when we brought you here like that? When she saw you bleeding and unconscious?” “You are so grounded for lying,” Tony piped in from his wheelchair. “And then that whole time travel thing!” Y/N’s mom continued. “I mean, I get that I can’t stop every idiotic thing your dad does, but you! I thought you had some sense in that brain of yours! And how dare you fall into that coma! Three days!” Y/N was about to mutter a ‘technically it wasn’t my choice’ but the glare she got from Loki was enough to shut her up. Sure, all the words were harsh and should’ve been breaking her heart left and right, but for her, it was hard to keep the smile away. So, she didn’t. “And what do you think is so funny?” Tony grunted, annoyance clearly written all over his face. Y/N just shook her head. “Nothing,” she shrugged and then hissed when her body reminded her something had been jammed pretty harshly in her shoulder. “Just that I love you too. All of you.” That stopped Pepper’s ranting and Loki’s pacing. “I love you too, sweetheart,” Pep instantly replied, and threw her body against Y/N’s, pulling her in for as tight of a hug her daughter could handle. “You just scared all of us so bad.” “I know,” she muttered, looking over at her dad and then Loki. “I’m sorry. But to be fair,” she mumbled into Pep’s shoulder, “dad did an even stupider thing.” The older woman laughed and pulled back wiping away her tears and the tears that had spilt down Y/N’s own cheeks. “Trust me, he already heard every single thing on my mind about that stunt he pulled.” “And you couldn’t wait for me to wake up because…?”

***

It took everyone a couple more days to recuperate, but once everyone was back on their feet or as healed as they could be by that point, Tony and Pepper invited everyone to their lakeside house to their vow renewal. Y/N’s arm hung in a sling as she stood with Morgan clutching on her dress as their parents recited the promise to love and care for one another for the rest of their lives. Nobody tried to hide their tears, letting them flow freely, because for the first time in a long while, they were from joy, and everyone had decided to embrace the feeling to the fullest extent. As Happy led Morgan inside the house, with the promise of burgers, and Tony and Pepper went to the side to talk to Clint and his family for a bit, Y/N found herself wandering off to the lake. The water was still a bit chilly, definitely not warm enough for swimming, but she had no problem putting her feet in it and letting the liquid ripple around her ankles. Loki found her just like that – surrounded by tranquillity and peace. “Do you think he did it?” Y/N asked her head leaning against Loki’s shoulder as she surveyed the calm waters once he had sat down next to her on the little dock. He had conjured up a full-on black suit, and she’d be lying if she said that outfit didn’t do things to her. “Who did what?” “You… or younger you. Do you think he went back and let himself be taken to Asgard, despite what I said would happen?” “If he knows what’s good for him,” Loki’s cold finger lifted her chin up to look at him, “then yes.” His lips brushed against hers with the last spoken words before he pressed them fully to Y/N’s. So long had they been deprived of one another’s love, he had become so touch starved in what had been single moments without her, it was insane. But he’d have to endure it a bit more. “Ok, you two, knock it off,” Tony’s voice interrupted their peaceful moment. The whizz of his wheelchair was practically silent. “I don’t wanna see you shove your tongue down my daughter’s throat. If it was up to me, it’d be cut out from your mouth.” “Dad!” “You’re my child!” he exasperated. “It’s my duty to scare off any potential boyfriend, let alone someone like him.” “In times like these, I really wanna play the ‘I’m adopted’ card,” Y/N huffed but pulled back from Loki and stood up to face her father. “Adopted or not,” a stern finger was thrown her way. “You’re still my kid.” And those words, the fact that he had always thought of her that way, the fact that when they’d seen one another after years apart, and his first reaction had been to cry and never let go, made something in her heart break. “Promise?” Y/N tried her best to hide the husk in her voice. “That I’ll always be your kid?” Tony’s rough palm grasped her own. Years of mechanical work had turned the once soft skin into coarse and blistered one, but the touch was as gentle as ever. “Even when I’m grey and old.” Y/N snorted. “You already are.” That made Tony scoff and pull his wheelchair away. “You sure we’re not blood-related?” “Would that make a difference?” “None whatsoever, bug,” came his immediate reply. Loki had been standing to the side watching the interaction between the two. So much had happened from when he tried to take over New York to where they were now, and it was insane to think how much would still change. Though he could feel that Tony didn’t have the warmest of feelings towards him, no need for magic to figure that one out, Loki didn’t think there was any hatred either. “Can I just,” he suddenly interrupted making the eyes of the two Starks flit up to him, so different yet the same. “I just… I want to apologize. For what happened in New York.” “Which part?” Tony snarked back. “The one where you threw me out the window of my own tower or the one where you tried to enslave Earth.” “Uhh… both?” Loki’s eyebrows raised and he gave Y/N a ‘help me’ look, but she just smiled and shook her head. Tony sighed rolling his eyes. “Look. I’m not going to pretend that I’m okay with this cause, I’m not… but for whatever reason,” he gave Y/N a pointed look, “you mean a lot to my daughter. And during these five years, I’ve come to an understanding about it. Doesn’t mean I was or am happy about it… but I think at this point we’ve all been through enough shit to put the past in the past. So, truce?” He extended his hand towards Loki. It was an open palm for him to grasp, but there was so much more lying underneath that single gesture. It was saying ‘I trust you with my daughter's heart. I’m willing to put my own hurt somewhere else for her happiness.’ It was also ‘If you ever dare hurt her in any way – emotional or otherwise – this will be the same hand that breaks your neck. But Loki, after a moment of hesitation, of disbelief, grasped Tony’s palm and squeezed it. “Truce.” “Okay, good,” the genius nodded his head and rolled back his chair a bit. “But if you start calling me dad, I’ll nuke you into space.” Loki pressed his lips together in a thin line, but everyone could see the smile he was attempting to suppress. “Duly noted.” As the god and the mortal conversed and were actually having a somewhat decent time, Y/N’s eyes drifted over the expanse of the field. It was surreal to have everyone there and to have met all the people that in one way or another had impacted their lives even if she hadn’t known of them. For example – Peter Parker aka Spider-Man. He was holding Morgan in his lap and talking to Happy and Pepper, though everyone could see the chauffer’s fluttering gaze towards his Aunt May. He had been the reason Tony had not been able to throw away Scott’s idea of time travel completely. He’d made such a huge impact in his life, Tony had almost sacrificed everything for his family. And Peter most likely would never know that. The guilt would be too much to handle, as Y/N still saw the pain flash through his eyes whenever his brown orbs dropped to the wheelchair Tony was bound to. So, her dad would keep it to himself. Then there was Nat. A double agent with a heart you couldn’t trust that had become the soul of their group. Clint hadn’t let go of her hand or waist or any kind of contact with his best friend. Sure, he sorta had to when Steve had swept in after the battle and kissed the living daylights out of her, but the archer was sure to be at least in a ten feet radius of his fiery counterpart. Bruce had Nathaniel on his shoulders as all of them talked, smiles that hid the horrors they’d faced adorned their features, but if for one day all of them could pretend that everything was perfect. Almost. As Y/N surveyed the scene, she saw Steve peck Nat’s cheek and run off to the side while Bruce took the giggling kid off his shoulders and set him beside his dad. “It’ll only take a few seconds,” Steve replied to Nat whose arms were crossed as she chewed the bottom of her lip. “You won’t even notice that I’m gone.” That’s when it hit Y/N – the stones still needed to be replaced. Without a word, to her dad or Loki, she detached from the trio and rushed to the makeshift platform. “Just to warn you,” Nat bristled a bit, “you might not like what you find on Vormir.” “I already hate that place without being there. I don’t think there’s much that would make it even worse than it being where you…” he gestured vaguely towards her form. “You know… you did that… thing that we’re not gonna mention out loud.” A small smile tugged up at Nat’s lips. “Point taken, soldier. But just trust me on this one. You’re not gonna like what you’ll see.” Giving Nat one last glance, that said ‘okay?’, Steve readied himself to make the jump again, Mjolnir, the suitcase with the stones and his old combat gear on. He double tapped the bracelet, and the red-white suit embraced him, but not before Y/N stopped what they were doing. “Hey, Steve?” she called to him, jogging up to the platform and making him remove the helmet. “Yeah, bug?” “Can I uh can I join you?” That took Loki by surprise as he had run after her pretty much the second, she disappeared from his grasp. “Darling?” “Don’t worry,” she gave him a quick peck, stroking his jaw and then went to snatch a second bracelet from Bruce. “I’ll be back in a minute. You won’t even notice that I was gone, I just have to do one thing.” “And can I know what that thing is?” Y/N hummed but shook her head. “Nope… I just… don’t wanna say anything unless it doesn’t work.” She gave him a half-smile, one last kiss on the lips and jogged back to where Steve stood. “You two ready?” Bruce asked calibrating the machine up. “Ready,” they replied in unison the last syllable masked by the suits morphing around their bodies. “Making the jump in three…” Bruce started the countdown, and Loki crossed his arms. “Two…” The prince bit the inside of his cheek. She’ll be back. “One…” And then they were gone. In the stroke of lightning, both Y/N and Steve disappeared into the Quantum realm. “Bringing them back in five seconds,” Bruce announced pretty much immediately, and Loki prepared himself for the most agonizing five seconds of his life. Five seconds from that moment would determine whether she decided to stay, or if she had failed to replace the stones, or worse – she was gone as a whole. And he didn’t know if he could take it. “… two, one,” the scientist's voice reverberated through the Asgardian’s mind, and then they were back. But instead of happy and satisfied smiles, he was greeted with Steve’s furious tone. “What the fuck was that, Y/N?” “Whoa, language, Cap,” she chuckled and hopped off the platform. “Don’t,” he pointed a finger at her. “Don’t start. You just decide to fuck off to who-knows-when without a single word?” “Look, I just made a little detour to 2012, what’s the big deal?” Before Steve could go further with his scolding, her boyfriend interrupted saving her from another onslaught of berating. “So, you went back to check on me?” Loki’s eyebrow was raised in amusement as if he was not breaking down on the inside from relief that Y/N was back in his arms. “You know, not everything is about you,” she bumped her hip with his. “Sometimes it’s about Tony.” That definitely made the genius’s head perk up. “Of course. Didn’t you know, everything’s about me?” Tony remarked, and Pepper, Steve and Nat all simultaneously rolled their eyes. “Wait, why is everything about me? Not that I’m complaining but I’d like to know what I’m being accused of first.” “Actually, nothing this time,” Y/N smirked and moved towards him. “In fact, I wanna give you something. Can you uh, disable F.R.I.D.A.Y just for a moment though?” Tony’s eyebrows furrowed but he did as asked. With a tap against his right shoulder where the Iron Man arm was attached instead of a sling, a little port opened up, and Y/N stuck a flash drive into the slot. It took a moment for things to fire up, but when they did Tony’s heart jumped to his throat. “Sir?” And that’s when Steve realized what had happened. “J.A.R.V.I.S?” Tony’s voice wavered in disbelief, and the eyes of the rest of the Avengers widened. Wanda upon hearing the familiar tone even went closer. Y/N thought she saw her mouth ‘Vis’ with furrowed eyebrows, but when there was nobody, the witch stopped in her tracks. With glistening eyes, Tony looked up at her. “Why did you do that?” Y/N shrugged, keeping her own tears at bay, but when he tugged on her hand and she sat down in his lap, she just burrowed her head in the crook of his neck. Tony just held onto her tighter. “He’s part of your family. Our family. And this time no one gets left behind.” “I’m a bit out of the loop here, sir,” J.A.R.V.I.S.’s warm voice floated around them, making Y/N sniffle. “Would you please hook me up to the internet or just explain what is going on? For some reason, the connection has been lost.” “Sure, thing buddy…” Tony dragged a hand down his face and placed the other one on Pepper’s palm that had grabbed his shoulder, leaning his cheek against it. His heart had never been this full in his entire life. Sure, there was a piece in Vision missing, but he was pretty sure if he worked together with Shuri and Wanda, they’d be able to get figure out a way to bring him back. “It’s good to have you back, buddy,” he replied, clearing his voice once it cracked, and kissed Pepper’s hand in content. “I was never gone, sir.” And at that moment, it didn’t feel like the A.I. was saying, ‘I was never gone simply because Ultron never happened’. It was him saying ‘I’ve always been with you. You can’t get rid of me that easily.’ As Y/N stood up, watching her makeshift parents slowly make their way to the house the now ex-Captain who had passed on his shield to Sam approached. “Why did you do that? Why didn’t you tell me?”Steve asked, walking to stand next to the woman as she crossed her arms and shrugged. “I missed him. And if I missed him, then I can’t imagine how tough it must’ve been for dad. I mean, J.A.R.V.I.S was his friend, his family and was always there for him. And to lose him in such a horrible way and try and find it in someone who wasn’t really him… I just wanted to do something for him… he literally would’ve died if not for that crazy idea Quill had,” Y/N wiped away a tear. “I think it’s the least he deserves. And for the not telling part… I didn’t know it would work, I didn’t really think I’d be able to copy such a huge amount of data, so I didn’t wanna give false hope.” “Stupid really is your middle name, huh?” Steve’s hand went to ruffle Y/N’s hair, but she flicked his hand away with a scoff. “Do I need to bring in Bucky in this conversation? Cause I think he might have a few choice words for stupid being my middle name.” “Nat,” Steve exclaimed dramatically, “save me!” “Not a chance mister I-don’t-need-a-parachute-when-jumping-out-of-a-jet.” “You don’t need a what now?” came the too calm voice of Bucky, from where he stood next to Sam, both talking about what it meant for him to take over Cap’s position. ‘Run’ Loki mouthed to Steve, and without a second, he did, dashing to where Tony and Pepper were conversing with J.A.R.V.I.S just so he didn’t have to deal with Bucky’s scolding. He might have had his friend back, but that didn’t mean Bucky needed to know all the shit he’d been up to. “So,” Loki leaned his forehead against Y/N’s, arms wrapping around her waist to secure her in place. “What were we doing before we were so rudely interrupted?" “I think there’s someone else you need to talk to first,” Y/N detached from him with a small smile and nudged her chin towards a person standing behind Loki. “I uh,” Thor fumbled for a moment and gave the two an apologetic smile, as they pulled back from one another, “I didn’t want to interrupt the moment.” “That’s quite alright,” Loki mused, “you always knew the worst times to show up.” Y/N slapped him in the arm hard enough that it made the raven-haired prince wince and pull away. “What?” “Be nice!” With an 'I'm watching you' mouthed Loki's way, Y/N walked away from the brothers and went to talk to Peter. They hadn’t had a real chance to get to know one another, and she wanted to figure out who was the boy that her father loved so much, he was willing to give his life for. “I’m,” Thor started. “I’m leaving Earth. For now, that is.�� That was not something Loki expected. “And what will you do exactly?” The blond shrugged. “It’s time for me to be who I am rather than who I’m supposed to be.” Loki’s eyebrow raised. “And that includes…?” “Don’t really know yet,” Thor shrugged, “but Asgard would need a new king.” His brother’s mouth dropped open, but the thunder god just shrugged like it was something not even worth mentioning. “It’s what you’ve always wanted.” “For a while, yes,” Loki nodded putting both his hands in his pockets before lifting his eyes from the ground and looking at Y/N who was talking to Peter and had Morgan on her hip. “But I think I’ve found a different reason to go on…” Thor snorted, nudging his brother’s shoulder with his. “Anything to do with a certain girl?” “Everything to do with a certain girl,” came Loki’s immediate reply. “So, you better find someone more qualified to take the place. I just know that this time I won’t waste the chance I’ve got.” “I wouldn’t ask you to,” Thor almost murmured but it was loud enough for him to hear. “How’s… mother and father?” Loki gave him a sad smile. “They’re… good.” Thor’s chin quivered for a moment before he slowly nodded, and his lips twitched upwards. “Did you give him a hard time about Hela?” “Didn’t really get the chance, but I sure enjoyed it when he bristled first seeing me.” “We’re a weird bunch, aren’t we?” “The weirdest, but that’s what makes us great,” Loki patted Thor on the back, and together they moved to where everyone had gathered. “Listen, I’m not happy about you and knock-off Severus Snape being together, so the second he hurts a single hair on your head, he’s dead,” he heard Tony exclaim, and Loki could practically feel the eye-roll Y/N made. “Dad,” she groaned her arms crossed over her chest, but Loki couldn’t help the laugh that escaped his throat as his arms wove around her middle, and he rested his chin on her shoulder. He might have been permitted to enter Valhalla, but if there was a paradise it was there. “Sissy,” Morgan pulled at Y/N’s sleeve and brought the attention to her, “who is that?” “This is Loki,” she said with such fondness in her voice, that her little sister’s eyebrows furrowed identically like Tony’s did when he had to listen to bullshit. “But that’s the one that attacked daddy!” “Yeah, but,” she tried to find the correct way to explain everything that had happened but there was too much to say, so she just relented to the easy way out. “Remember when I said I was off in space for a bit? And I met someone?” “Yeah,” she nodded still eyeing Loki suspiciously, “you said he protected and loved you. But why did he hurt daddy then?” Loki who’d been biting the inside of his cheek while listening to the conversation put a gentle hand on the small of Y/N’s back. “If I may?” She nodded albeit a bit reluctantly and watched as he crouched down to be eye level with Morgan. “I – I did, hurt your father… and in turn, I know that hurt your sister, and for that, I will forever be sorry… but I’d like to think I’ve changed,” Loki spoke in the softest tone he ever had. Not even with Y/N had his voice held such tenderness. “I used to use my magic to harm others because it was the only thing, I thought I was good for but then I met your sister, and she showed me I’m capable of so much more.” As he said that, he opened up his palm to the air, and Morgan gasped seeing the illusion of a Pegasus dancing above his fingers. Sure, she’d spent time around Thor before he went completely off-grid, but real magic was something unprecedented. “You’re like Harry Potter!” she exclaimed. “Just without the wand!” “Umm, sure,” Loki gave her a smile that wavered a bit because he had no clue who this mysterious person was, yet it seemed like someone she admired. “Mom! I met an actual wizard” Morgan yelled running off in search for Pepper as Happy and Rhodey chuckled, but Tony had a mischievous smirk on his face. A new nickname was in the works. A loud ‘excuse me!’ came from where Wong and Strange stood talking with Wanda, shock on both their faces, but Morgan didn’t care as she jumped up into her mother’s lap and started animatedly explaining Loki and his magic. “Love, who’s Harry Potter?” he muttered in Y/N’s hair an arm securely around her waist. “I’ll teach you all about him, don’t you worry,” she smiled turning to face him and clasped her palms behind Loki’s neck. “No boyfriend of mine will not know who The Boy Who Lived is. Besides,” her lips brushed against his making Loki chase after her, “we have all the time in the world to do so.” “Promise?” “Promise.” Finally, after doing whatever it took, everything had fallen into place. They were home.

Tags (crossed out wouldn’t take): @lumelgy @palaiasaurus64 @supernaturalbaesduh @breezy1415 @crazy--me @thatawkwardlittlefangirl @sea040561 @staryeyedgirl @deathbyarabbit @s-c-a-r-e-d-po-t-t-e-r @reblogger-not-a-blogger @m-a-t-91 @dalilx @i-need-a-hero-i-need-a-loki @maladaptive-ninja-returns @averyrogers83 @in-the-end-im-still-trash @gallifreyansass @dewy-biitch @avxgers @unlikelygalaxygiver @sweet-ladyy @magicwithaknife @ollyoxenfrees @bnhvrdy @tvwhoresblog @celebsimagines @thatkindofgurl @sj-thefan@nerissa98 @happyseagrill @asguardiansoftheavengers @crazybutconfidentaf @wishingforahome @pizzarollpatrol @desir-ae@marvels-queen-bee @julierousing98 @maggiesimps @horrorx570ximagines @luluthegreatandterrible @bambamwolf87 @drakesfiance @artbysteph87 @beets1bears1battlestargalactica

A/N: welp... this is a beast :D

Another family fix-it-fic from yours truly :D

P.S. what did ya think?

P.S.S. my tags are always open :)

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shirtlesssammy · 5 years

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5x05: Fallen Idols

Hey all! Welcome to Hate Watch Week! We’ve picked the best of the worst and are recapping them all week. These are our personal choices, and I’m sure they all (*but one*) have redeeming qualities, we just see the bad more than the good. Enjoy our snark --and join in if you want :) (And if you’re still trying to guess our hiatus theme, this episode doesn’t count.)

Then:

Angst-a-thon!

Now:

We meet Jimmy and his pal, Cal, both race car enthusiasts. Well, enthusiasts for one sports car: James Dean’s Porsche 550 Spyder. While Jimmy runs to get the camera, Cal sits in the car, ready to start the “Little Bastard”. Only, the air gets frosty and the car radio flickers on. We hear a crash and Jimmy heads back to the garage to find Cal’s head smashed into the jagged edge of the convertible’s windshield.

Sam and Dean are on the case! Sam wants to know why this case is so important --what with the devil and apocalypse and all. “This is what we’re doing, okay?” Dean insists. Dean highlights that they’ve been away from each other for a while (*Ahem* maybe I don’t like this episode as much because the last two episodes were just Dean and Cas having fun times together? IDK. 5x03 and 5x04 were a wild ride that I watch over and over again.)

THE HORROR:

They arrive at the local cop shop as FBI agents Bonham and Copeland. The local sheriff shows them the video “evidence” that Cal’s good buddy Jim killed him. The brothers are less than convinced.

The sheriff applied Occam's Razor, and done and done.

The brothers want to interview Jim anyway. He tells them what he heard from the house: tires squealing, glass breaking. The car killed Cal. It’s cursed. Jim mentions that it was “Little Bastard” that did it, and Dean’s eyes light up like a little boy at Christmas. OoooohhhHHHHooo. Dean and cars and, well, don’t tell me he never had a crush on James Dean. We all have had a crush on James Dean. Sam “I can’t be any more straight” Winchester has no flippin’ clue what’s going on. Dean insists they check out the car. Bby boy.

They head to the car, and Dean takes a moment. Sam asks for some exposition. Dean explains that after James Dean died, the mechanic bought the wreckage and fixed the car.

The car fell on him, and death continues to follow the car wherever it goes (Ugh, I just went down a rabbit hole of what happened to the car and am now in a weird spiral of remembering how much I loved James Dean as a teen and how much Rebel Without A Cause meant to me. I’m not 90 years old. What a weird flex for a 1990’s kid to experience. But also not, since Dean’s right there with me, right?)

Anyway, to really confirm if the car was James Dean’s, they’ve got to match the engine number. Dean heads under the car to confirm, begging the car to not hurt him first. Dean takes his sweet ass time being nervous and writing down the engine number, but he makes it out alive. He tasks Sam with tracking down all the owners.

While Dean hangs at a bar, Sam discovers the car is a fake.

Meanwhile, a nerdy man reflects on his day at his desk when the air gets frosty and he hears a creaking behind him. He turns and utters, “Oh my god, it’s you. You’re dead. You’re supposed to be dead.” Is it a long lost wife? An old rival? Nope. It’s a growling Abraham Lincoln. He chokes the nerd man until he becomes a victim of the blood cannon. Better angels of our nature, my ass.

The agents meet the sheriff at the crime scene. They remark that there’s nothing strange about the victim dying of a gunshot wound where there’s no gun, no gunpowder, no bullet. Awkward. The brothers demand a reasonable explanation from the sheriff. He hunkers down and whispers, “Professional killer.” He’s thinking this is a Michael Clayton-type thing. And I love it because that’s the limit of his imagination. Sam and Dean know better but only because they live in the fringe of this world where monsters are real.

Sam and Dean head to interview the victim’s maid, Consuela Alvarez. She’s very distressed, and can only speak Spanish.

Sam pulls out his freshman Spanish to save the day. I only remember “Donde esta el baño?” Good job, Sam! The killer was a tall man with a long black coat and a beard. And he wore a hat. A tall hat. Dean cracks the code: A stovepipe hat like Abraham Lincoln. DEAN BEAN, so street smart he doesn’t even realize how book smart he is. Sigh. “Abraham Lincoln killed Mr. Hill,” Consuela confirms.

The brothers continue to research. Dean watches the car video frame by frame until he finds one frame of a blurred red coated figure ---and INSTANTLY guesses that it’s James Dean ---but like Jim Stark James Dean. It’s not like James Dean wore the damn red coat outside of that movie role, lol. (Sidenote: Fun fact: Fry from Futurama’s coat is modeled after that red coat.)

Sam realizes that they’re dealing with famous ghosts that are killing their fans. (Sidenote: I hope Misha Collins never dies.) The brothers wonder why these ghosts are haunting Canton, Ohio. They do more research.

The brothers head to the Canton Wax Museum. They marvel at all the random wax figurines (and Sam is taller than Lincoln? Hmmm. They’re the same height. #Borisisanerd) Dean makes fun of Gandhi and Sam defends him, but uh, nope, Sam, nope.

The museum curator shows up and the brothers introduce themselves as reporters for Travel Magazine. They’re writing an article on “how totally non-sucky wax museums are.” The curator points out that this place is unique. He points to Lincoln and tells the boys that’s actually Lincoln’s hat. Yep, he’s got real items from all the dead guys.

He’s going to make wax museums hip again. And OMG Sam’s little thumbs up in response. STOP.

Later, Sam loads up on salt rounds and walks in on Dean talking to Bobby about him. Dean gets off the phone fast and dismisses Sam’s questioning about the call. Dean’s not 100% with Sam yet. They head out to finish the case.

At the wax museum Dean starts poking around. Let the tomfoolery begin!

Sam hauls out a metal trash can which they can use to torch all the priceless, one of a kind objects. (History-fan me cringes.) While he’s doing an ultra-close-up examination of Lincoln, the doors slam shut. Suddenly, Gandhi is on him! Gandhi is strong, he’s fast, and he’s out to kill. Dean torches Gandhi's watch and Sam’s attacker winks out.

The next day, Sam mulls over the case in the motel room. Ghost Gandhi's quick disappearance has him troubled. He didn’t flame out like most ghosts, and he seemed almost zombie hungry. Sam thinks the hunger is uncharacteristic given Gandhi's tendency towards fruitarianism. (WWMGD? What would monster Gandhi do?) Dean dismisses Sam’s concerns, and Sam tells him that hunting together isn’t working. Dean doesn’t trust him. More than that, Dean’s trying to stick to their old patterns with the older brother telling the younger brother what to do.

“Before didn’t work,” Sam tells him. That old dynamic chased Sam off into Ruby’s arms. “You’re gonna have to let me grow up.”

Dean’s phone rings. It’s the local cops, calling about another terrible incident.

The Sheriff is…utterly at a loss with this next one. Dean and Sam head into the station to interview two teen girls. They tearfully recount the “horrible” “way horrible” disappearance of their friend who was kidnapped earlier by…Paris Hilton.

Dean and Sam tick the obvious boxes. Paris Hilton isn’t dead, so they’re not after a ghost. Sam suits up in scrubs to do a detailed autopsy of one of the prior corpses. He pulls out two strange seeds from one of the victim’s stomachs.

Sam fills Dean in on the excessive blood loss he discovered (something was feeding) and the seeds. The seeds are unusual, and he takes them back to the motel. There, he discovers that the seeds were indigenous to a forest in Europe, and the forest was ruled over by a god, Leshi. Leshi can take on any form and feeds on his followers. Dean hand waves the shapeshifting explanation for the audience by asking, “So how's he doing it? What, he touches James Dean's keychain and then morphs into James Dean?” Thank you, Exposition Dean!

The Winchesters arrive back at the Wax Museum, this time bearing a nice sharp axe. In a creepy closed exhibit they find the victim and…Paris Hilton. She (He?) takes out Dean and Sam quickly. When they wake a little while later, they’re tied to the fake trees in the exhibit.

Leshi sharpens a blade slowly, excited to do the sacrificial ritual correctly this time. He explains that he’s settled in this town to stuff his face full of worshippers arriving at the wax museum. With the apocalypse nigh, there’s no reason to diet!

Leshi grouses about the poor quality of worshippers these days. Dean fights whining with snark, and Leshi tells him that he worships somebody - his dad. “Poor little Dean. All you ever wanted was to be loved by your idol.” They fight and Sam breaks free and hacks off Leshi’s head.

The next day, we learn that the victim they rescued is going to recover. And even better? The bumbling Sheriff is putting out an APB on Paris Hilton.

At the car, Dean admits his own culpability in bringing about the apocalypse, when he broke the first seal. He apologizes for being preoccupied with the wrong things. Sam responds with the hero speech with which we’re so familiar. “We gotta just grab onto whatever's in front of us, kick its ass, and go down fighting.” Dean’s on board. Hell, he’s more than ready to move forward. He hands Sam the keys to Baby and they roll off to the sweet sounds of Jeff Beck's “Superstition." D’awwww.

These Quotes are Hot:

We’re not your typical cops

Death follows this car around like exhaust

Christine is fiction, this is real

I'm gonna make wax museums hip again

Four score and seven years ago, I had a funny hat

You’re not the first god we've met, but you are the nuttiest

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive!

#spn recp #spn rewatch #spn 5x05 #fallen idols #dean winchester #sam winchester #hate watch week #supernatural season 5

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weekendwarriorblog · 4 years

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The Weekend Warrior 11/20/20 – SOUND OF METAL, MANGROVE, RUN, EMBATTLED, COLLECTIVE, VANGUARD and More!

There are some really great movies out this week, oddly two of them being from Amazon Studios, although only one will be on Prime Video this week, while you’ll have to wait until after Thanksgiving for another. Honestly, I’m a little freaked out by the fact that next week is Thanksgiving, and normally I’d be pulling my hair out trying to figure out the box office in what’s always a difficult week to predict. As of now, I’m kind of giving up on box office for a while – just like Governor Cuomo (rimshot) -- so hopefully you’re able to enjoy some of these reviews and find some movies to enjoy out there. I’m just sitting here waiting for the last shoe to drop. (Not sure what’s weirder this week, that four of the movies premiered at the Toronto Film Festival last year or that four of the movies are directorial debuts.)

Although I already reviewed Mangrove, the first film in Steve McQueen’s “Small Axe Anthology,” when it played at the New York Film Festival a few months back, it will finally hit Amazon Prime Video this Friday. If you hadn’t heard or don’t remember from when I first wrote about it, “Small Axe” is McQueen’s five-film anthology that’s set within London’s West Indian community, exploring the issues they’ve had with the racist London police from the late ‘60s to the ‘80s. (I’ve only seen three of the movies but Mangrove is clearly the best, in my opinion, although all three have warranted repeat viewings.)

Mangrove actually works pretty well as its own standalone movie, starring Shaun Parkes as Frank Crichlow, owner of the title club that becomes as local community hang-out for the West Indian community. It’s also the target of violence and racist police, led by Sam Spruell’s PC Pulley, who are constantly raiding Frank’s establishment making it impossible for him to do business. The community circles around Frank, joined by young Black Panther activist Altheia Jones, played by Black Panther’s Letitian Wright. They eventually decide to protest, which leads to a conflict with the police, and of course, Frank and the other black people at the otherwise peaceful march end up having to go to court to defend themselves.

Since I’ve already reviewed the movie – and you can read that review at the link above – I won’t go too much further, but honestly, if you saw and enjoyed The Trial of the Chicago 7, you need to see McQueen’s film, which in my opinion, handles history that’s far tougher and is far less known in the States in a similarly brilliant way. I’m a little bummed that being a part of an “anthology” that isn’t getting a theatrical release, we’re not going to hear Mangrove discussed until next year’s Emmys, I assume, but it’s some of McQueen’s best work with an incredibly engaging ensemble cast that keeps you invested for the entire two hours. (The next two chapters, Lovers Rock and Red, White and Blue will be on Amazon Prime Video on November 27 and December 4 respectively.)

(Also, I will have an interview with filmmaker Steve McQueen over at Below the Line very soon.)

Since I’ve already reviewed Mangrove, I’m going to go with Darius Marder’s SOUND OF METAL (Amazon Original) this week’s “Featured Flick.” This is a movie that I feel like I’ve been hearing a lot about over the past few months but actually, it’s one of three movies in this week’s Weekend Warrior that premiered over a year ago at the 2019 Toronto International Film Festival. Riz Ahmed from The Night Of and Nightcrawlers plays Ruben Stone, drummer in a loud touring metal band with his girlfriend Lou (Olivia Cooke), but Ruben’s loud playing style is finally taking its toll, as he has practically lost all of his hearing. Unable to communicate with Lou or play, Ruben agrees to spend time in a camp for the deaf to learn how to survive without hearing where he’s kept in line by his tough counselor, Joe.

I assumed I’d like this movie because it takes place in the world of music, but it’s not really about the music. In fact, I was a little puzzled when my screener seemed to have subtitles stuck on, and I couldn’t figure out why that would be. Well, it certainly makes sense as the film goes along as Marder and his sound team start playing with the sound to give you some idea what Ruben is and isn’t hearing. It’s probably one of the more masterful uses of sound I’ve seen in a movie in quite some time.

And yet, it doesn’t do anything to take away from Ahmed’s amazing performance as a young musician who has issues with violence and addiction and frustration with the fact he can no longer hear Lou. At first, Ruben looks into possibly getting some sort of hearing aids although the surgery needed so that he could hear again would cost upwards of $40,000, which is money he doesn’t have. He agrees to go into the camp where he finds himself in sign language class with a group of far younger kids. Ruben obviously has a hard time adjusting to his new environment, especially since it separates him from Lou and the outside world.

It’s interesting to note that the original story is from Derek Cinafrance, who is a masterful storyteller in his own right, and who co-write Place Beyond the Pines with Marder, which may be how it arrived on Marder to make as his directorial debut. And what a directorial debut it is! Even once you admire the brilliant storytelling and pacing of the film, you watch Ahmed’s performance and realize that this actor who we’ve known is talented for quite some time can still blow us away by playing a character so different from himself. It’s a jaw-dropper of a performance at times, but Cooke and

I really don’t want to say too much more about the plot from there, because Marder really has weaved an interesting for journey through coming to terms with his deafness. Sure, there may be more than a little bit of comparisons to make with Damien Chazelle’s Whiplash, which was one of my favorite movies the year it came out, but that may just be because they’re both movies involving drummers, but that’s where the comparisons begin and end, because Marder’s film is just such an emotional journey where you can feel for and understand Ruben every step of the way even when he’s doing things that seem counter-productive to his rehabilitation.

You may think you know where Sound of Metal is going, but you’d be very wrong, and it in fact leads to an ending that is probably one of the more powerful and emotional ones I’ve seen this year. There’s no question in my mind that Sound of Metal and particularly Ahmed and some of Marder’s crew will be in serious talks for awards in the new year.

Anyway, Sound of Metal will be in select theaters on Friday, maybe some drive-ins, too, although I’m not sure all the incredible sound work will work in that environment necessarily. Either way, it will be on Prime Video on December 4, and I hope you’ll make an effort to see it however way you can. It should be able to quite readily get into my top 10 for the year.

Also very good is Aneesh Chaganty’s thriller RUN (Hulu), the follow-up to Chaganty’s Searching from a few years back, which will be available on Hulu starting Friday. It stars Sarah Paulson from every Ryan Murphy everything as Diane Sherman whose daughter Chloe (Kiera Allen) is born with all sorts of maladies. 17 years later, Chloe is a teenager and ready to possibly leave the nest and go off on her own despite her illnesses that keeps her wheelchair-bound, but she starts noticing her mother behaving oddly and giving her a new medication that makes her suspicious.

While Chaganty’s previous film Searching used a clever and innovative method of telling a story, all from a laptop screen, he decided to take a more traditional approach to this “empty nester thriller” (for lack of a better spoiler-free description) that effectively mixes Hitchcock with a movie like Misery. With that latter reference, you might immediately assume you know where every beat of Run may be going, especially when it becomes obvious that Paulsen’s character is one that will do anything to keep her daughter rom going off on her own and leaving her behind.

As much as I hate comparing Chaganty to M. Night Shyamalan, only because they’re both of Indo-American descent, but they both decided to take a similar career path in terms of using twisty thrillers as their calling card and impressed early in their careers. Similar to Shyamalan, Chaganty has created a well-crafted thriller that manages to keep you on the edge of your seat while never slowing down, and it also doesn’t try to hit you over the head with twists as Shyamalan sometimes does.

That said, Run does indeed have a pretty major twist that may or may not help endear those to what they’ve seen up until to that point, but that’s always the danger when you try to turn a genre on its ear, and Chaganty’s film does get into some crazier and crazier places as it goes along. A lot of that comes down to Paulson, who is playing an absolutely insane crazy, but kudos go out to the young Ms. Allen who was quite good, and honestly, I never realized that she actually used a wheelchair in real life.

I’m a little bummed Run missed its opportunity to find a theatrical audience, because it’s very much the kind of movie that would be fun to watch with others. I’m sure it’ll get seen, and Chaganty will continue to do interesting things as a filmmaker. I know, maybe this was one of my lamer reviews, but you know what? If you want to pay me to write them, I’ll put more effort into it. :)

You can read more about this movie in my interview with Chaganty over at Below the Line a little later.

One of the nicer surprises of the week was director Nick Sarkisov’s EMBATTLED (IFC Films), which I didn’t have very high expectations of, mainly since it was another MMA drama, this one about a father and son, rather than being about brothers. Also, about a decade ago, I might be a little hesitant to watch a movie starring either Stephen Dorff and Elizabeth Reaser, because they’ve both made a lot of bad movies… but this is not one of them. Dorff plays Cash Boykins, one of the most successful MMA fighters on the circuit, who is trying to reconnect with his estranged 18-year-old son Jett (Darren Mann) by training him while staying away from his ex-wife (Reaser) or their other son Quinn (Colin McKenna) who has a learning disability.

If you’ve read that far, you may already think you know where this is going, because let’s face it, there have been way too many boxing and fighting dramas that generally used the same techniques and plot devices. Heck, just a few weeks away, we got Jungleland, which was a very rare case of a movie that was able to surpass its overused genre. Oddly enough, Embattled is now the second decent fight movie in a matter of weeks.

If I may address the Stephen Dorff in the room, this is easily one of the actor’s best performances in many years, possibly since Ric Roman Waugh’s Felon. Dorff plays Cash as just such a despicable villain in terms of his racist attitude and the abusive way he treats his sons and his current wife Jade (Karrueche Tran). Even more impressive is Mann, who holds his own both in and out of the ring. The movie really is about the conflict that dates back to a violence incident between them that eventually forced Jett’s mother to split with Cash. Even with the focus being so much on Cash and Jett, Reaser is quite good as we watch her trying to get her life together by dating Quinn’s wheelchair-bound teacher, played by Donald Faison.

I really wasn’t familiar with Sarkisov as a producer, but this is another impressive directorial debut this week. In many ways, it feels like the film’s screenwriter David McKenna is getting back to his dramatic roots from writing American History X. I also kind of liked his adaptation of Blow with the late Ted Demme.

I’m not sure I necessarily believed the film’s last act, which turns into a high-profile Vegas grudge match between Jett and his father for a huge amount of money, but Sarkisov finds a way to end things on a high note despite the film frequently resorting to overused clichés, such as the tired training montage. Despite Embattled being a little predictable at times just by the nature of its genre, Sarkisov and his cast end up creating an unforgettable family drama that uses MMA merely as a jumping off point to far more interesting realms.

One of this week’s docs I was able to get to was Alexander Nanau’s COLLECTIVE, which is finally getting a digital and VOD release by Magnolia Pictures over a year after it debuted at the Venice and Toronto International Film Festivals. It begins with a massive fire in the Bucharest nightclub Colectiv in 2015 that leaves 26 people dead on the site but then 38 more of the burn victims died after the fact, leading to a huge inquest into the horrible condition of the city’s hospitals and whether government corruption could have led to some of the deaths of innocents.

Even though Collective has been in circulation for a while, I never really heard much about it, so I literally had no idea what it is about. While you might assume that it’s about this fire, and you may be shocked that there’s actual footage of the fire starting as a metal band played fairly oblivious to the fact that their pyro set it off. The real story takes place when a team of investigators, including Catalin Tolonta, a reporter from the Sports Gazette, learns that the dozens of deaths could be traced back to bacteria in the disinfectant used in the burn ward that had been diluted up to ten times, basically being ineffective in creating a sterile environment for the Colectiv victims.

Nanau uses a cinema verité style of documentary filmmaking that I’ve never been a huge fan of because it takes out the narration that’s often needed for context, especially in a case like this where we’re dealing with a foreign country which Americans might not be that familiar with. Listen, I know from the movie The Death of Mr. Lazrescu that I would never want to have a medical emergency in Romania (where I’ve been a few times)

Nanau’s film is a terrific investigative piece that follows three of the key players, the aforementioned reporter, the incoming and quite beleaguered Minister of Health, and one of the surviving victims, a model whose beauty is still evident despite losing limbs and being horribly scarred. Following these three subjects, Nanau and his editor was able to weave an intricate journey to find answers for why so many innocents died within the Bucharest hospital system. More than once, I was pleasantly surprised that Nanau was able to have his cameras present during important conversations between the minister and others about what to do about the corruption. The sad part is that the Minister’s hopes for change rely heavily on an election similar to the one we just had in America. In that case, it results in what might have happened if Trump won reelection in terms of dashing many hopes, including the whistleblowers who come forward to call those responsible to task.

I know that Collective won’t be for everyone, not just because it’s a foreign language doc i.e. two strikes against it but seeing how much worse things are in other countries, might help you appreciate our own medical system, which is constantly being put at risk as it gets overrun due to COVID. (It almost makes you wonder how Bucharest has been able to handle COVID, and if things have improved despite the overwhelmingly corrupt government.)

I wasn’t quite as bullish about Jesse Dylan’s SOROS (Abramorama), which has a live streaming premiere Weds. before going to virtual cinema this Friday. That may have been just because I wasn’t particularly familiar with the film’s subject George Soros or his principles, but also, I’m just not in the mood for a political doc that involves our country right this moment. Maybe I’ll check it out eventually, but this week, I just wasn’t up for it.

A couple of other docs I was hoping to get to but just ran out of time, include LEAP OF FAITH: WILLIAM FRIEDKIN ON THE EXORCIST (Shudder) and THE ORANGE YEARS: THE NICKELODEON STORY (Gravitas Ventures), both which are fairly self-explanatory.

This week’s WWII drama is Dan Friedkin’s THE LAST VERMEER (TriStar Pictures/Sony), a movie I went into rather cynically, because who keeps asking for these post-Holocaust movies that we seem to get almost like clockwork whenever the weather turns to awards season? This one stars Danish actor Claes Bang (Force Majuer, The Square) in his second movie about artwork of the year after The Burnt Orange Heresy. In this one, he plays Captain Jack Piller, the Dutch officially put in charge of discovering how a rare Vermeer painting ended up in Goebbels’ private collection, which brings him to Guy Pearce’s Han Van Meegeren, a painter and art enthusiast who seems to have connections to the Nazis but also has a secret Piller has to find out before Van Meegeren is hung as a traitor.

This ended up being another pleasant surprise for me this week, because as much of the beginning of the film feels a bit like the same-old same-old, where a troubled and conflicted man is given an assignment that turns into an obsession. In this case, it’s finding the owner of a rare and valuable Vermeer painting, but also trying to find out how the Nazis got their hands on it. As much as I enjoy the handsome and gregarious Bang in this type of role, it’s really Pearce’s performance as Van Meegeren that I found to be the most worthwhile among an ensemble cast that also includes Vicky Krieps (who incidentally will be at the Metrograph Friday night for a screening of Paul Thomas Anderson’s Phantom Thread for digital members!)

As someone who isn’t necessarily an art lover, I still enjoyed this in a similar way as a film like Woman in Gold. In this case, it at least leads up to a spectacular last act showing Van Meegeren’s court trial, in which a massive rug is pulled out from under the viewer, while still leaving room for one more shocking twist after that.

More than anything else, I was most impressed by the fact that (like so many other films this week), The Last Vermeer is Friedkin’s directorial debut. It’s just such an involved and intricate story to tell, as well as one where I literally had to go online and check to see whether it was based on real history after watching it. (It is.)

From China comes VANGUARD (Gravitas Ventures) the latest pairing of filmmaker Stanley Tong and Jackie Chan, who made the first two Supercop movies together and whose film Rumble in the Bronx helped break Chan in the States 25 years ago. In this one, Chan plays the head of a global security agency called Vanguard hired to protect a wealthy businessman and his daughter, a mission that takes them across the globe and puts them against all sort of awful characters.

Where do I even begin with a movie that’s clearly very bad but has so many enjoyable and crazily entertaining at times that I can’t completely toss it into the trash as I might have liked? It starts out with such an amazing opening in London that’s more about seeing the rest of the cast: Yang Yang, Miya Muqi and Lu Ai (all huge Chinese superstars, I’m sure) in action while Chan sits back and lets the youngsters have all the fun. The opening section ends with a stretch limo drifting through the busy streets around (seemingly) Covent Garden.

From there, we meet the members of Vanguard for real, Yang Yang’s handsome Lei, the James Bond of the group, family man Kaixuan (Lun Ai) and the tough Mi Ya (Mugi) before they’re sent on their mission to retrieve and protect the daughter of the businessman we see trying to be kidnapped in that opening scene. The bad guys’ next target is the bubbly Fareeda (Ruohan Xu), activist and animal lover, something we see by her cavorting with some awful CG lions that make the ones in Favreuau’s The Lion King look good. After another fight and chase, she’s taken hostage but so is Lei, so now Vanguard’s mission includes rescuing their teammate.

Vanguard’s biggest problems are two-fold, the first one being that the writing by Tong and presumably his daughter, Tiffany Alycia Tong, is terrible. Also, by trying to blend equal parts action with laughs, Tong throws everything but the kitchen sink at the viewer, and only some of it sticks. Chan does have a few fun moments, although wisely, he leaves most of the heavy lifting to his younger cast. Even so, he’s still allowed to deliver a few of his trademark moves, a couple quips and his usual beloved charm. Other than Chan, I particularly liked Miya Muqi playing the type of tough, kick-ass martial arts heroine that’s a large part of why I love Chinese action movies.

For the most part, the movie is full of all sorts of crazy stuff, not just the massive explosions and gun fights we’ve seen many times before, but other stuff that tries to take advantage of the movie’s global setting, some of which works and other parts, not so much. (Seriously, those CG animals in the African section of the movie are absolutely horrid and inexcusable! Did they run out of money before post-production?)

As much as Vanguard is a flagrant Mission: impossible rip-off that both Chan and Tong to be long past their sell-by dates, there’s an aspect to it that makes you think they realize this and just want to have one more absurd fling. Realizing this allows Vanguard to be way more entertaining than it ought to be. Vanguard will be in over 700 theaters this Friday, which might indeed be wider than every other movie I’ve mentioned put together.

Matthew Rankin’s quirky retro-comedy THE TWENTIETH CENTURY (Oscilloscope) was another interesting surprise this week, which I’m not even sure I can properly describe or tell you why you should or shouldn’t see it. (Let’s face it. I’m getting pretty burned out on doing so many reviews each week, especially when I’m getting zero feedback, which really sucks.) The film stars Dan Beirne as Mackenzie King, a young man who we watch on his rise to become the leader of Canada. As far as I can tell, it’s completely fictitious. (Nope. King really was Prime Minister... for a long time, too!)

Anyway, this is very quirky movie set in Canada that reminded me so much of Guy Maddin’s work, which I used to hate, especially the first time I saw The Saddest Music in the World, which Rankin’s film reminded me of. Fortunately, I’ve gotten over whatever issue I had with the weirdness of Maddin’s work, and this one was weird but also quite witty and had me openly laughing, especially a race for Prime Minister of Canada that had the contestants churning butter, writing their name in the snow with pee and yes, even clubbing baby seals.

The production design, while looking and feeling very low-fi, still has a very original look, and besides the obvious Guy Maddin reference, you might find yourself harking back to some of David Lynch’s earlier films, particularly Eraserhead or The Elephant Man. Sure, if there’s such thing as a movie being TOO weird, The Twentieth Century certainly can be seen as guilty of that, but to me, this was akin to a Canadian Monty Python that had me chortling even when I wasn’t even quite sure what was so funny.

Check out the trailer below and you can watch it virtually through your favorite arthouse with a list of venues here.

youtube

Chad Faust’s GIRL (ScreenMedia), which will be in select theaters this Friday and then on VOD on Tuesday, stars Bella Thorne and Mickey Rourke. Thorne plays a young unnamed woman who returns to her hometown with plans to kill her abusive father, only to learn that someone has beaten her to the punch, so she tries to find answers, going up against Rourke’s sheriff of the town and his son, played by Faust himself. I don’t have a ton to say about this movie because it’s a fairly bland indie that never improves from Faust showing up as a lethario Thorne encounters in a laundromat. As much as I enjoy watching Thorn throw an axe, it wasn’t as enjoyable as watching her kick-ass in last week’s Chick Fight. (She does get into a fun tussle with Faust though, but that wasn’t enough to keep me interested.)

Now available on Disney+ is the LEGO STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL, which certainly has quite an onus over its head due to the quality of the LAST Star Wars Holiday Special in 1978. This one at least has the added entertainment value that comes with the LEGO creative team. Honestly, I had enough of Star Wars with last year’s The Rise of Skywalker, and I certainly didn’t have much interest in seeing more of these characters.

Also starting on Disney+ this week is the new Marvel series (and the only thing you’re getting from Marvel this year), Marvel’s 616, which is a series of documentaries about a variety of subjects, including women comic book creators (directed by Gillian Jacobs), one that follows Paul Scheer trying to find some lost Marvel characters to turn into the next hit (directed by Scheer) and what?!? There’s also one directed by Alison Brie, so that’s TWO of the six episodes directed by ex-Community members. But none by Danny Glover or Chevy Chase? Shame.

Other stuff that I just didn’t have time to get to, although there may be some true gems in there, who knows?:

Team Marco (Samuel Goldwyn) One Night in San Diego (1091) The Test and the Art of Thinking (Abramorama) The Truth is the Only Client (Gravitas Venturs) Ghosts of the République Murder on Middle Beach (HBO Documentaries) Crazy Not Insane (HBO Docs) Lowdown Dirty Criminals (Dark Sky Films) Donbass (Film Movement) In Wonder (Netflix)

Also, RJ Cutler’s well-received BELUSHI doc will hit Showtime on Sunday, and Sean Durkin’s thriller The Nest (IFC Films), which I reviewed a few months back, will hit VOD this week.

#TheWeekendWarrior #Movies #reviews #Vanguard #Run #SoundOfMetal #Embattled #Collective #VOD #Streaming #TheLastVermeer

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wayward-marvel-sommer1196 · 7 years

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Tag Game

Rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

Tagged by @kdfrqqg It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these lol. I wasn’t even in the SPN fandom the last time I did one.

1. Drink? Pepsi

2. Phone call? My dad

3. Text message? My sister

4. Song you listened to? Say You Won’t Let Go by: James Arthur (literally gives me goose bumps every time I listen to it.)

5. Time you cried? 4th of July (Don’t ask)

6. Dated someone twice? No, I’ve only ever had one REAL boyfriend and a bunch or near misses

7. Kissed someone and regretted it? Never kissed anyone

8. Been cheated on? Nope

9. Lost someone special? Yes

10. Been depressed? Yes, like all the time

11. Favorite colors? Purple, Blue, and recently Red

In the last year, have you… 15. Made new friends? Yes

16. Fallen out of love? Love-love no, semi-love yes

17. Laughed until you cried? I dont think I’ve ever laughed til i cried??? Laughed until my stomach hurt sure but not til i cried

18. Found out someone was talking about you? Unfortunately

19. Met someone who changed you? Yes, not in a good way

20. Found out who your friends are? 100% yes I love my girls so much

21. Kissed someone on your facebook list? No one that wasnt in like a family matter

General 22. How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? a solid 97% only because some are family that ive never met.

23. Do you have any pets? No Dad hates pets, but do babies count? because they are equally as frustrating and I live with two under the age of 3.

24. Do you want to change your name? yes too many jokes and annoying nicknames

25. What did you do for your last birthday? Got my hair done, had some pudding cake, and went to Iguana Mia for a free lunch with my mom and her boyfriend and then binged Gilmore Girls b/c mom didnt feel well so we went home and did nothing after like 2.

26. What time did you wake up? 7:30 because of the babies I live with but didnt get out of bed till 8:15

27. What were you doing at midnight last night? On here actually

28. Name something you can’t wait for: Graduating College but that ties with Getting Married

29. When was the last time you saw your mom? a few weeks ago?? I know im horrible but her work schedule is all over the place and my life is so unpredictable but i do try and talk to her every other day.

31. What are you listening to right now? My family messing around

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? yes

33. Something that is getting on your nerves? my job not giving me shifts and my step nephew with his lack of respect for adults

34. Most visited website? Tumblr

35. Hair colour? Dark brown with a tint of burgundy because I havent gotten it dyed since december (my bday) and red washes out real fast but leaves subtle traces especially in the sun

36. Long or short hair? As of now on the shoter side, like shoulder length, but if you would have caught me a month ago it would have been hella long got 10 inches cut off

37. Do you have a crush on someone? As of now NO because my last crush stomped on my heart and crushed then ran it over with a semi so I have sworn off men unless celebrities count????

38. What do you like about yourself? Honestly, right now nothing thats one of my issues. BUT if I had to pick I guess my loyalty??

39. Piercings: just your standard, run of the mill ear piercing

40. Blood type: 0+

41. Nickname: Don’t have one because I refuse to share what my mom called me throughout my childhood. So i just go my full name Sommer

42. Relationship status: single and hating men

43. Zodiac: Sagittarius

44. Pronouns: She/Her

45. Favourite tv show: UGGGHHH too many. SPN, most superhero shows, most crime dramas, Greys Anatomy, and more. I used to be a tv addict and started watching a bunch of shows and although i dont watch them much anymore doesnt mean i dont still love them

46. Tattoos: Yes, on my right foot. Its part two to a quote that me and my sister got together. “....but thankful for the one ive got.” she got “A perfect sister i am not.....”

47. Right or left handed: Right

48. Surgery: If getting my wisdom teeth taking out (all four of them at once) counts then yes other than that no.

49. Piercing: Already answered

50. Sport: None, I suck at all sports and hate them all too. I was and am more of a book person than a ball person, but I do enjoy a leisure swim on occasion

51. Vacation: Would love to take one but im broke. My last was a high school trip right before i started my senior year where we traveled through five states making stops in each until we ended in indiana for the convention we needed to go to and then came back.

52. Pair of trainers: don’t know what this means

53. Eating: I wish I was lol My dinner sucked ass. Man, I wish I had a nice juicy steak right now with a baked potato and asparagus yum

54. Drinking: at the moment nothing but the last thing I drank was at like 2 pm and now its almost 10 (oooppps) and that was a mocha coffee from DD

55. I’m about to: take a shower then outline some god damned stories that are haunting me right now

56. Waiting for? something good to happen in my life for once

57. Want? To be prettier, but I am slowly losing weight which is helping that problem. OOOOHHH and my best friends to be with me right now

58. Get married? I would love to at some point. Not anytime soon, but I also have to find someone who can put up with my difficult moody ass for the rest of our lives sooo..... that could be awhile

59. Career? Now none after college hopefully a forensic scientist/CSI since that is what my degree is going to be in

60. Hugs or kisses? Bith

61. Lips or eyes? On an S/O eyes hands down on me i guess my eyes

62. Shorter or taller? On an S/O taller I guess I have a type lol a bit of a height kink. On me shorter im only 5′2

63. Older or younger? Older although if it was only like 2 years younger Ii would be cool with that just not any further

64. Nice arms or nice stomach? These questions are so superficial and I feel superficial for answering them but I guess in a S/O stomach on me I have neither soo...

65. Hook up or relationship? Relationship, im a sappy sappy romantic at heart a hook up is too impersonal and so crass I want the feelings

66. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

67. Kissed a stranger: No

68. Drank hard liquor: Being that I am only 19 I’m legally obligated to say no, but my oldest sister is a horrible influence so I may have had a taste a few times

69. Lost glasses/contact lenses: No but I have lost a retainer, twice, in the garbage. Yeah my parents werent to happy with me

70. Turned someone down: Depends? for a date no. for anything havent we all. sex never been offered.

71. Sex on the first date: Virgin, so no and I’ve only had one real boyfriend that wasnt really a relationship anyway so yeah

72. Broken someone’s heart: I want to say no, but I guess I have not in a relationship way but you can break anyones heart for any nimber of reasons

73. Had your heart broken: Hell the fuck yeah but so many damn people

74. Been arrested: No, close once but the store guy let me go on a warning

75. Cried when someone died: Yes, doesnt everyone unless the deseased is like an axe murderer or something

76. Fallen for a friend: Ugh this question. I hate it so much. Yes, that boyfriend I mentioned that was the situation and that didnt end well. And then my sophomre year I was like in LOVE with this kid I had known back in elementary school and he was my best friend and he was out of my league and let me down gently. Then i fell for my frenemy my senior year, but he neber knew and it was just a phase for me I guess it didnt last long

Do you believe in… 77. yourself? Wish the answer was yes, maybe come again another day?

78. Miracles? sometimes

79. love at first sight? I would like to but Ii just can’t

80. Santa claus? I wish, but I am glad to pretend for my niece and nephew

81. Kiss on the first date? Sure if it went well

82. Angels? Nope. Sorry

Other 83. Current best friend’s name: Well, I got three. They are my girls, my squad. Weve all been best friends for going on 4 four years. Sam, Dana, Solange

84. Eye colour: Brown, boring I know

85. Favourite movie: Can’t choose just one so like the entire Marvel franchise? Can I do that? Too bad I just did

Im supposed to tag 20 more people but honestly my hands are cramping its after 10 and I really need a shower so if you want to take a crack at this I totally encourage you too.

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zeroviraluniverse-blog · 7 years

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10 Fast Facts About Get Out

Visit Now - http://zeroviral.com/10-fast-facts-about-get-out/

10 Fast Facts About Get Out

With a career that spans more than 40 years, 100 on-screen credits, and two Oscar wins (plus an additional three nominations), Gene Hackman has earned the right to be picky. Though he officially announced his retirement from Hollywood in 2004, movie fans around the world have long hoped to see him make a comeback. In the meantime, and in honor of his 88th birthday, we’re looking back at 10 famous movies—and one beloved sitcom—he almost starred in.

1. THE GRADUATE (1967)

In 1967, longtime friends and one-time roommates Dustin Hoffman and Gene Hackman found themselves as co-stars in Mike Nichols’s The Graduate, with Hoffman cast as floundering recent college grad Ben Braddock and Hackman as Mr. Robinson, the husband of Hoffman’s much older lover. Though Hackman was older than Hoffman, it was by just seven years—which didn’t seem old enough, and led Nichols to get rid of Hackman and recast the role just a few weeks into filming. Nearly 20 years after the film’s release, in 1985, Hackman admitted to the Chicago Tribune that, “It still hurts. I was going to play Mr. Robinson, Anne Bancroft’s husband. But Mike Nichols didn’t think I was doing it well and so—one, two, three, I was fired. Mike’s a nice guy, but he’ll fire you without blinking an eye.”

Though Hackman admitted that getting the axe didn’t do much to hurt his career—Bonnie and Clyde came out the same year and really helped to raise his profile—he said it was still “painful. Every time I look at the television schedule and see The Graduate coming on, or sometimes when I see Dusty [Hoffman], I think about it. And, you know, getting fired from The Graduate can stick with you.”

2. ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST (1975)

If Kirk Douglas had his way, he would have played the role of R.P. McMurphy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest—just as he had on stage, when the book was adapted as a play in 1963. But by the time the film finally got off the ground with Miloš Forman as director more than a decade later, Douglas knew he was too old for the role, but had two specific actors in mind: Hackman and Burt Reynolds. Ultimately, the role went to Jack Nicholson, who won his first of three (and counting) Oscars for the film.

3. CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (1977)

Though it’s hard to imagine Steven Spielberg’s Close Encounters of the Third Kind without Richard Dreyfuss in the starring role of Roy Neary, he was far from Spielberg’s first choice. Spielberg had his eye on Steve McQueen, who reportedly said no because he couldn’t cry on cue. Spielberg then offered the part to a host of the biggest actors of the time—Hackman, Dustin Hoffman, Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson, and James Caan among them. They all passed, leaving the door open for Dreyfuss.

4. APOCALYPSE NOW (1979)

Five years after starring in Francis Ford Coppola’s The Conversation, Hackman was the director’s first choice to play Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore in Apocalypse Now … but there was a catch. “The Apocalypse Now situation was touchier because I have such regard for Francis Ford Coppola as a director,” Hackman told the Chicago Tribune. “But he wanted me to work for points (a percentage of the gross, rather than for a salary), which I don’t think I should do.” Instead, it was Robert Duvall who got to famously declare: “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”

5. ORDINARY PEOPLE (1980)

In 1980, Robert Redford made his directorial debut with the emotionally charged story of a family dealing with the death of their eldest son; Donald Sutherland and Mary Tyler Moore played the parents, and Timothy Hutton played the younger son (and won an Oscar for his efforts). But Sutherland’s role was originally going to be Hackman’s—until money got in the way. “I liked the script but couldn’t come to an agreement regarding the—how can I phrase it?—the compensation,” Hackman told the Chicago Tribune. “If I thought about it, I suppose I would have to have some regrets. So the thing to do is not think about it, don’t you think?”

6. BACK TO THE FUTURE (1985)

We’re not sure exactly how close Hackman got to landing the role of Doc Brown in Back to the Future, but in 2015, we learned that he was on the list of contenders to play the lovably mad scientist. Michael Klastorin and Randal Atamaniuk’s book, Back to the Future: The Ultimate Visual History, included a memo—dated August 21, 1984—that included more than 40 possible names to fill the role. Some of them are crossed out, some of them are bracketed, and some of them—like Christopher Lloyd and Gene Hackman—have a checkmark next to them, which seems like a good sign. (See a copy of the memo here.)

7. MISERY (1990)

Though the role of novelist-turned-captive Paul Sheldon in Misery might seem like the kind of part any actor would kill for (no pun intended), a long line of well-known actors said no to the film. In his book, Which Lie Did I Tell?, legendary screenwriter William Goldman recounted some of the names on that list, including Hackman, Dustin Hoffman, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Robert Redford, Harrison Ford, and William Hurt (who apparently told them no twice).

8. THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991)

Though Hackman has stayed mostly in front of the camera, in the 1980s he decided he wanted to see what it felt like to sit in the director’s chair and, along with Orion Pictures, purchased the movie rights to Thomas Harris’s The Silence of the Lambs for Hackman to both direct and star in. “It’s one of the most cinematic books I’ve ever read,” Hackman said. “As I read it, the movie was clicking in my mind.”

Hackman planned to take the role of Jack Crawford, with John Hurt as Hannibal Lecter. But in 1989, on Oscar night, Hackman had a revelation: Sitting in the audience, where he was nominated for a Best Actor Oscar for Mississippi Burning, Hackman realized that he didn’t want to follow up one unlikable character with another. So he sold his part of the rights to Orion, and still has yet to direct a film.

9. THE FUGITIVE (1993)

In 1989, Hackman and director Andrew Davis clicked while making The Package, in which Hackman played a Green Beret tasked with transporting a prisoner, played by Tommy Lee Jones, back to America. When the time came for Davis to begin casting for the role of Chief Deputy Marshal Sam Gerard in The Fugitive, he considered Hackman—and John Voight, too—but eventually opted to re-team with Tommy Lee Jones who won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for the film.

10. JACKIE BROWN (1997)

Jackie Brown may be the headliner in Quentin Tarantino’s adaptation of Elmore Leonard’s 1992 novel Rum Punch, but bail bondsman Max Cherry is integral to the twisty plot. And Tarantino had a pretty short list of possible contenders: Hackman, John Saxon, and Robert Forster. He went with Forster, which turned out to be a smart move, as the actor received the movie’s only Oscar nod.

11. THE BRADY BUNCH (1969 – 1974)

Remember that “beloved sitcom” we mentioned? Well, it’s none other than The Brady Bunch. Yes, you read that right. In his 2010 book, Brady Brady Brady, The Brady Bunch creator Sherwood Schwartz wrote that, “there were a number of men I wanted to interview [for the role of Mike Brady], including Gene Hackman. Paramount wouldn’t even okay Gene Hackman for an interview because he had a very low TVQ. (TVQ is a survey that executives use to determine the audience’s familiarity with performances. TV executives don’t admit to the existence of TVQs, but it is commonly employed in casting.)” Maybe it was all for the best—at least for Hackman. “The year after The Brady Bunch debuted, unknown Gene Hackman with no TVQ starred in The French Connection and won the Academy Award for Best Actor, and has been a major star ever since,” Schwartz added.

#10 #facts #fast #Facts

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thenerdytomboynewb96 · 7 years

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Samantha Allan Park Ch. #17

Any references to TMNT or anything from popular media and culture is NOT MINE. I only own my OC's.

Chapter #17

*Sunday June 22nd* *Theme: Porter Robinson and Madeon-Shelter*

“Whoaaa!” the turtles said as they watched Optimus prove his strength to Grimlock. Sam knew that the movie theater they were at closed early on Sundays, so she showed the guys how she usually snuck in and now for the first time the four brothers were watching a Hollywood movie up close on the big screen, and they couldn’t have asked for a more perfect first film: Transformers Age of Extinction. Out of her peripheral vision, Sam could see all the guys jaws drop when the Dinobots came charging in, literally crushing all the man-made Decepticons that crossed their path.

It was 10:00 when the movie ended and the entire mall was now closed, so Sam thought it would be a fun idea to go on a walk with the guys, who obviously had never been to the mall before.

Sam was currently with Leo in another antique store. He liked to look for antiques that represented Japanese culture, but him being the only ‘mature’ one, no one else wanted to look around the store (or any of the others he had chosen) so she joined him once again so that he wouldn’t be alone. At the moment he was looking at a tea set with Japanese Cherry Blossoms on them, but after so long he couldn’t stand Sam constantly staring at him. “Why don’t you just take a picture?” he said sarcastically. “Sorry I know it’s not funny, but you totally look like a grandpa who’s trying to pick out a traditional gift for his wife” she said with a smirk. “Is that why you keep following me around in these stores?” he asked as he placed the tea cups down and continued walking throughout the store. “Well I was trying to be nice and not have you shop alone, but I see that I’m not wanted” she pouted. Leo rolled his eyes. “Ahh, so you’re not trying to be annoying on purpose.” “You enjoy my company, don’t deny it!” she said as she pointed at him with a smile. Leo shrugged, but they both knew that this was very true. He had a feeling that his younger brothers would either complain or joke around too much in a store like this, so it was nice to have Sam around. She was someone who knew when to be serious and when to crack a joke, someone you could actually talk to without them teasing you when you share your thoughts. He looked over and saw her laughing while holding a wooden umbrella with a paper top. “What am I missing that’s so funny?” he asked as he picked one up and looked at the stripped design when it opened up. “I was thinking of my older brother Brian. Everyone teased me about being Asian at heart since I’ve always been interested in Asian cultures. My other blood siblings were interested some, but never as much as I was. Before he even became my brother he would take me to places like this all the time, it kind of became this tradition between the two of us. I was thinking of this one time where he was holding umbrellas like this over his head and making the dorkiest faces” she said as she laughed. “Oh my god I’m literally laughing at things only I know about, I’ve become that person” she said with an embarrassed expression. Leo smiled at her as he thought back to what Donnie had said the other night. It might have just been a coincidence, but she said that Brian ‘would take me to places’ rather than saying ‘Brian takes me to places like this.’ Now that he had been looking out for this, he noticed that she definitely talked like this a lot. He decided to test this out. “Does Jay bring you to places like this?” “Sometimes. He never used to though. I think he saw that it was a fun little tradition between me and Brian, so I don’t think he wanted to interfere, but I don’t see Brian as much now, so I think that’s why every once in a while he’ll bring me to places like this.” “Ahh, I see.” She did it again. She said ‘it was’ and ‘he wanted’ as if this was all something of the past, rather than saying ‘he sees that it’s a fun tradition’ and ‘he doesn’t want to interfere.’ He wondered what all this meant, or if it meant anything at all. He wondered if it was something they all should be concerned about, but Sam seemed happy and content, so he decided that it was best to leave the subject alone until Sam brought this info to light on her own.

They walked around the store for another ten minutes and then headed out. They passed by a few stores and found Donatello in yet another electronics shop. “What did you find this time dorkatello?” Sam teased. He playfully glared at her. “I found donated phones. I’m looking at which ones are damaged really badly and which ones can be saved. I read online that the donated phones that can be saved are sent to U.S. troops overseas, so I don’t want to take those, I’m not that selfish. However, I will take the ones that are smashed up and can be re-wired so that I can use them for various things.” “Look at you. Not only looking out for the state, but also for the country” she said as she saluted to him. “That’s actually a cool idea” Leo said as he looked at some of the phones throughout the bin. “Find anything for Sensei?” Donnie asked as he looked up at his eldest brother. “Nah, nothing that he doesn’t already have.” “Gotcha. Well, I think I’m done with this store. I’m ready whenever you guys are.” The three then walked out of the store and found the remaining two brother’s at a cologne shop on the other side of the mall. They walked in and saw Mikey and Raph looking at various glass bottles. “Pfft.” Sam covered her mouth and tried not to laugh out loud. She thought it was hilarious seeing these two who usually acted so macho now testing all these colognes on the sample strips and discussing which scents they liked best. These two trying on cologne was the equivalent of two feminine sisters testing scents at Bath and Body works. The two boys looked over and glared at her, that’s when she turned towards Donnie. “Donatello! Don’t laugh at your brothers!” she said as she shoved his arm. “You know I’m taller and stronger than you, right?” he said as he took a step so that he now towered over her. “Is that a threat?” she said as she as pretended to be taken aback, though they both knew she was joking. He nodded and said “yeah” with a sincere smile, joining in on her joke. “Well, this is how I respond to threats!” she said as she leaped onto his back. Leo just stared at the two of them as they backed out of the store as they goofed off. “You’d never know that she was just looking through an antique store, or that she’s older than us.” Mikey laughed and Raph smiled, both at seeing Sam continue to show her true colors, and also at their nerdy brother let loose and have fun. Leo began looking at some of the bottles that lined the shelves. He had absolutely no idea what the scent of each liquid was since, well, no scent was stated on the front of the bottle. Curious, he picked up a bottle with light blue liquid inside, shrugged his shoulders, and sprayed a small amount in front of him. He took a sniff and then made a face of disgust. “Oh god, this stinks as bad as when Mikey found that Axe body spray pack and tried on each one at the exact same moment” Leo said, waving his hand in front of his face. Just then, Sam and Donnie had walked back in. Donnie began looking at bottles on the opposite wall and Sam had meant to walk past Leo to see what the other two had picked up, but she also stopped and made a face of disgust. “What did you do?” she asked, facing him with wide eyes. “Sprayed whatever this is” he said as he held up the bottle. Raph inspected the bottle in his brother’s hand. “You guys don’t like this? This is brand new!” “Well tell them to take it back” Sam said as she coughed. “You’re a girl, right? Aren’t you supposed to like when guys wear stuff like this?” Raph asked. “Sexist much?” He paused and then turned his head. “Donnie?” “Totally sexist dude” he said as he continued to look at bottles on the opposite wall. “Oh, heh, my bad” he said with an apologetic smile. “No problem” she chuckled with a smile. “Well I’m going anywhere that’s not here” she said with a wide smile. “I second that” Leo said as he followed behind. “Tch, they don’t get it” Mikey said as he nudged Raph, who nodded in agreement as they pulled on Donnie’s shoulder so that he would walk with them as they all followed Sam. They passed a few stores until Sam stopped, waiting for the guys reactions. “Ohhhhh!” “Whoaaaa!” each of them said as they all ran inside GameStop. “You’re welcome?” she said as she stared at the jaw dropped brothers. They all quickly turned towards her, said “thanks Sam!” and then continued looking throughout the store. Donnie was the closest, so she walked over and looked at the game he was looking at. “Awwwww I can’t wait until I get a copy of this” she said as she looked at the case for Transformers: Rise of the Dark Spark with a huge smile. “Only two more days and then I can start hacking systems to access this game” Donnie said, a huge smile also displayed on his face. “I’m still pissed Bumblebee doesn’t have a voice in the movies though. They should just leave the job to Johnny Bosch, for the games and the films. Like, he’s incredible when it comes to voice acting, and I’m not just saying that because he voices characters from some of my most favorite anime.” “I wouldn’t mind that, his voice actually had a nice fit. Plus that would be a huge opportunity for him which he totally deserves.” Sam then turned around and saw Leo looking at a demo screen in the front of the store which was currently advertising a trailer for Titanfall. Leo’s eyes were glued to the screen as he watched a pilot battle his way through the Frontier and then begin commanding a Titan. “Gee Leo, sucks that you can’t take the game home, doesn’t it?” Sam smirked. “Right…I can’t take the game…because that would be stealing…yeah” Leo said as he slowly started backing away, but then was pulled back towards the screen. “Look what that Titan can do” he said in a calming voice as he smiled and started walking back towards the screen. That’s when Sam knew she had to interrupt his line of sight. “Okay, why don’t you go look over there?” she said as she fought to literally turn him around. “I’m gonna look over there now” he said calmly as he also fought himself to finally turn away from the screen. He walked over to Raph and looked over his shoulder at the game in his hand. “Daylight?” Leo asked. “Yeah. It’s a survival horror game where you have to find object’s that explain the history behind the haunted hospital that you wake up in. I heard it got some negative reviews, but it sounds interesting.” “I didn’t know you were interested in horror games” Leo said. Raph shrugged. “I’m not interested in them, but this one sounded interesting. What do you have Mikey?” “BAM! Look at this beaut!” he said as he held out a copy of Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn. “Oooh!” Sam said as she ran over. “I remember seeing the trailers for this! I can’t wait to get a copy.” “Let me know as soon as you do!” “Well duh, I can’t play multiplayer by myself” she said, receiving a playful shove from her friend. “Well, I’m done looking at games, time to go play” she said as she walked out of the store. The guys watched her as she walked across the walkway to the other side of the mall, down some stairs, and then walk back over to the store that was below them. Mikey was the first to act as he walked over and jumped over the railing and from the second floor down to the first (for them this jump was nothing serious.) The remaining brothers decided that he must have enjoyed wherever it was that they went since he never came back, so they did the same thing and landed in front of the shop below the gaming store. Instantly they knew why Mikey hadn’t come back to signal them to come down, he was already running around throughout the arcade in front of them. All four brothers looked around at all the different games inside the rather large space. It seemed small from the outside, but once inside, spectators could see that the room continued to travel further and further back with more and more games. In order to prevent a lot of loud noise, the five decided to only turn on whatever game it was that they wanted to play at that time.

Donnie ventured out to find some speed games. He first found a game called Pop the Locks where a dial spins around and you have to press a button when the dial stops on the lock, and if you press the button after it’s moved past or before it hits the lock then you’re out. Sam and Mikey first moved to a game called The Shocker where you have to hold onto two handles as the vibration becomes stronger and stronger, and you lose if you let go. These two played this game until they momentarily couldn’t feel their hands, and then they convinced Donnie to play, and then they convinced all of them to play until everyone momentarily lost feeling in their hands. Sam and Mikey then freaked out when they saw Transformers and Walking Dead themed shooting games and both rushed over and immediately started playing, and while they played this, the other three brother’s found some pinball machines to play. Once the shooters completed their missions, Leo, Raph, and Mikey moved on to play more of the sporty games where they took shots on goal, threw basketballs through hoops, bowled to knock down pins, or threw baseballs and footballs in their hole. Sam didn’t care for games like these as much, so she stuck around with Donnie for a bit who went back to speed related games. The two played the electronic jump rope game, had to stack 3-D towers, (both by pressing buttons or by moving a square controller from side to side) had to use their fingers to maneuver through mazes, and had to land lights on the right spot to get wheels to spin. When the group came back together as a whole, they decided to play all the games that were based on apps. They pressed buttons to avoid green pipes when playing Flappy Bird, rolled a sphere controller when playing Temple Run, launched back their controllers to launch birds in the latest Angry Birds game, and swiped their hands across the screen when playing Fruit Ninja. They continued to split up and play various games, but the last two hours were spent with each other as a group of five. They found as many games as they could where they could all compete against each other in tournaments: air hockey, skeeball, racing games, back to sporty games, and even multiple rounds of DDR.

Most would see this as such a simple night of watching a movie at the theater, going shopping, and playing some games at the arcade, but for their own reasons, this was one of the best night of all five of their lives.

*Wednesday June 25th, Madison Square Garden’s Arena, the Jumbo Tron* *Turtles POV*

The final buzzard went off and the game was over. The four turtles were cheering for the Knicks who had just won another game that season. “You know what a victory means?” Mikey asked. “Gee, what could that mean?” Donnie asked sarcastically, knowing exactly what his younger brother was about to say. “MORE PIZZA!!!” he shouted. “Ugh, how can you eat anymore? We ordered so many to begin with, and you even had some earlier before we left” Leo said as he held his stomach. He was full and wouldn’t be hungry again until sometime tomorrow afternoon, so how Mikey could still want food he would never understand. “I told you, his stomach is a black hole” Raph teased. “That or he’s an alien or something.” “Then Sam must be one to! Seriously, sometimes she can eat as much as I can!” “Doubt it.” “As scary as it is to admit, it’s true. I’ve seen it happen” Donnie said with a shudder. “Guys” Leo said as he nodded his head over towards Sam. The whole time they had been talking, Sam had been looking at something down below. Leo tried to follow what she was looking at without making it obvious, but he couldn’t figure out what her attention was focused on. She hadn’t moved, she hadn’t even blinked, she just stared down at something without any movement, like it had shocked her so much that she was now paralyzed. Without saying anything, she turned and swung herself back up to the walkways above their spot in the Jumbo Tron and she took off. “Sam, wait!” Mikey called. “Do we chase her?” Raph asked, concern and fear in his tone. He had no idea where she was going and if whatever she was about to do would risk either hers or their lives. “Don’t worry I can track her” Donnie said as he pulled out a small handheld GPS system from one of the pockets on the straps running down his chest. His fingers went to work and within seconds he knew where Sam was. “I tracked her by her cell phone, but…this shows that she’s still in the building…” “Mikey? Any idea what’s going on?” Leo asked as he faced his youngest brother. Mikey shook his head with a grave and somber look on his face. “I wish I knew.” “She’s on the move, and so are we” Donnie said as he started climbing back up to the walkways above them. “Where we goin?” Raph asked as he trailed behind Donnie. “She’s heading back outside, if we get to the roof then we might be able to spot her.” The four turtles rushed back up and through the walkways and then back up to the roof where they were walking along the sides of the top of the building. “Arghhh, there’s people everywhere! How are we supposed to find her?” Raph asked in frustration. “It says…she should be this way” Donnie said as he pointed towards the front of the building. There were crowds of people all over the place, both because of the game letting out, and also because this was New York during the summer. “FOUND HER!” Mikey shouted and pointed at a girl who had just run across to the other side of the street. They saw her run over to a group of six guys and then pull on the arm of a young Asian male within the group. “Mikey-” “I don’t know, she’s never really mentioned any guys outside from her soccer team. I mean, there were a few from dance and different clubs, but he doesn’t match any of the faces from any of the pictures. There were five main Asian guys she told me about and he’s not one of them.” “Is he the brother?” Donnie asked. “She said she had another Asian brother who was younger than Jay.” “That’s true, she said that he was far away and that’s why she could never see him” Mikey responded. “Unless that’s what she wants us to think. That or someone doesn’t want her to know the truth herself and those were the lies she was fed” Leo stated. “I don’t like this, feels like she’s still hiding things from us” Raph said in a bitter tone. He knew there were things she hadn’t told them yet about her family, and she had her right to her privacy, but this sneaky act worried him. If that was her brother, couldn’t she have just said that before she ran off? They watched Sam hug the man, and the group of guys walked off in one direction while she walked off in the other direction. She walked off towards a street that was oddly silent and vacant compared to the hustle and bustle outside the stadium. “Now where’s she going?!” Raph yelled. “Something’s wrong, we need to get to the sewers and get over there” Mikey said. Leo let his brother lead the way. Whenever Donnie or Raph knew more information about a criminal they were all chasing, or whatever the situation may be, he would let that brother take control and lead if it meant better chances of them completing their mission, but this was the first time Mikey had EVER taken the lead in a chase. This proved to Leo how serious this was and he followed Mikey in whatever directions he gave.

It took about twenty minutes for them to travel underground after tracking Sam’s movements. Once they caught up to her location, Mikey didn’t hesitate to climb up, toss of the manhole cover above him, and rush over to Sam. “Sam!” he shouted as he ran over to where Sam was walking. She didn’t respond. He quickened his pace and as he was about to lightly grab her arm and talk to her, Raph had already caught up to him. “HEY SAM. Remember us?!” Now that there was a 6 ft. turtle in front of her, Sam stopped walking. Raph’s expression softened as he stared at the girl in front of him. Her eyes looked so frail and glassy, and her hands were shaking like he had never seen before. “…I came to the game with you guys…right…my bad” she said with the fakest smile. Usually only Mikey could tell when her smiles were sincere or fake, but her acting was so off point that all the brothers knew something was wrong. “Did that guy do something?” Raph asked. “No” “…that’s it?” “…what?” The boy’s worry continued to grow. Even though she was standing right in front of them, it was like Sam couldn’t hear a thing. Something was obviously on her mind, but getting her to explain what exactly that something was would be the hard part. Right as Leo was about to ask if the guy she chased after was her brother, Sam cut him off. “It’s late, so I’m gonna head home, alone.” At this point she spoke without using her fake smile, and she went back to displaying her glassy eyed and twitchy expression. She had already started walking off before the guys could speak, and they weren’t really sure what to do in this situation.

“So, do we ignore this as a girl thing? Or do we look into it and assume it’s a Sam thing?” Raph asked. “We call April. She’s the only other female we know, and one of the three humans we know, plus she’s a reporter and is trained to read people’s expressions. Hopefully she can help us figure out what to do. We’ll go back underground while we call her.” Leo said. Donnie and Raph started heading back towards the sewer hole, but Leo had to go over and wake Mikey up from his daze. “Mikey? You alright?” “No” he replied bluntly. Leo put a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, we’re going to figure this out, okay?” Mikey paused for a moment. “Should I have gone after her? Should any of us have gone after her?” he said as he continued to face forward. “I wish I knew. I’m just as new to girls and humans in general as you are bro. But if she needs someone to go after her, then you’ll be the one” Leo said with a small smile. This also lead to a small smile forming on Michelangelo’s face as well, and the two turtles then walked back towards the sewer hole to hear what Donnie and Raph had been discussing with April.

*Sam POV* *Themes: Linkin Park-Nobody Can Save Me Linkin Park-One More Light Trading Yesterday-Shattered Skilet-Would It Matter

She happened to catch a glimpse of him out of the corner of her eye, but now she lost him. The guys continued to cheer as the game continued on, but Sam and her thoughts were long gone. She saw him, she knew for a fact that she just saw Brian. It had to be him, the boy she saw looked exactly like him at the age of 17. THERE. She found him and continued to keep her eyes on him. “Bzzzzzzz,” that was the final buzzard. No, it couldn’t be the end of the game now, not yet, not when she had finally found her brother. He left four years ago and finally she had found him. She watched him head to the exit on her right and without hesitation she darted out and up through the walkway they used to enter the Jumbo Tron. She sprinted to a point along the walkways that led to a ladder that lead to the top floor where the highest seats in the arena were. She climbed down the ladder and then ran through crowds of people to the right side of the building where she had seen the boy exiting the arena. She had seen him in the upper level seats, but now he was nowhere to be found, so she ran to the staircase and sprinted down the steps. She made her way to the lobby and walked as quickly as she could all over the place. Her heart felt like it was about to burst out of her chest because of everything that she was feeling and thinking. Emotions that she had finally pushed and shoved under the rug were now forcing their way back out and flying up and hitting her like a brick. Her hands were shaking like crazy and for the first time she heard how loud she was breathing. She felt like she was running around in circles and she didn’t know what to do. After what felt like years of searching, she caught another glimpse of him and his five other friends. Once again she was on the move as she chased after the boy. She thought of nothing but catching up to Brian and asking him questions, so many questions. Why did he leave her? Why did he do what he did? Why had it taken him four years to visit her? Her heart beats increased as her breathing grew louder and louder. She ran out of the building and saw him head for the cross walk. “Brian!” she called out. A few heads turned since it was a common name, but not the head that she wanted to. “Brian! BRIAN!” She slowly got closer and closer to where he was walking, but he never turned towards her. She couldn’t understand why he was ignoring her, but now was the time to find out. She finally caught up to the boy and yanked on his arm, forcing him to turn around and look at her. “Whoa! What the hell is your problem?” the boy said as he and his friends turned around. “My problem? I’ve been calling you for the longest time! You didn’t hear me calling your name?” she asked in an enraged tone. “All I heard was some girl calling after some guy named Brian, so sorry if I couldn’t hear you over that.” She paused and gave him a confused expression. “So you did hear me? Why were you ignoring me then? Explain yourself!” “Explain what?” the boy asked, looking both nervous and confused. “Why did you risk your life for me that night? And I’ve been waiting for a sign from you, from all of you! Why did it take you so long to contact me?!” “Look crazy lady you need to back up! I don’t know who Brian is but he’s not me” he said as he put his hands up in defense and as his friends began to lightly laugh at the strange girl standing in front of them. “What are you talking…about…?” And that’s when she realized, it wasn’t him. Everything made sense and reality slapped her in the face harder than the forced out emotions she had just experienced mere minutes to seconds ago had. She realized that this man had blue eyes instead of brown. She realized that this man seemed as tall as Jay, whereas Brian was about a foot or so shorter. She realized that this man had visible muscle, whereas Brian had natural muscle that could only be seen when he flexed. She realized that, when seen up close, this man had a light brown tint to his hair, and Brian had never made any changes to his natural black hair. She realized that their hairstyles were different, she realized she had never seen this group of friends, she realized his clothes stated he was rooting for the wrong team. Sam realized that this couldn’t be Brian, because Brian was dead.

Her jaw slowly dropped and she felt so stupid and embarrassed. “Oh my god…I’m…I’m so sorry. Um, can I explain myself before you all continue to think I’m crazy?” she asked. “Uh sure, go for it.” “I have a few adopted siblings, one of them being an Asian male obviously named Brian, and um…he passed away about four years ago. So from afar, you really, really, look like him. Up close I can now see the differences, but from afar you looked like his twin. I just…I haven’t seen him in so long” she said as a choked sob slipped out as she spoke. “I’m so sorry for chasing you like this-” “Stop” the boy said. He walked up to her and gave her a sincere smile. “For one, I’m honored that I look like your brother, I’m sure he was a handsome man.” This got Sam to give a small smile as she sensed that he was trying to lighten the mood and lessen the awkward tension from before. “And two, I’m so sorry that you lost him, and the next time someone comes running up to me the way you just did, I’ll be a lot more considerate as to why they’re doing it. Sorry for calling you crazy.” She shook her head. “You don’t have to apologize, I’m sure I would have been weirded out if a stranger came running up to me like that as well. That’s the first time that’s ever happened actually.” “I wish I could answer all your questions. What did he do anyway, did he save you in a car accident or something?” the boy asked. “Yeah, something like that.” It wasn’t exactly like that, but he did risk his life to save hers, they all did. Jay just got lucky and so did she, unlike the others. “If it means anything,” the boy continued, “the fact that you saw someone who looks so much like your brother might still be a sign from him. Maybe there’s something he wanted to you think about when seeing me, well him, you know? Or maybe he’s trying to test you somehow.” “Yeah, maybe so.” Her small smile grew a bit more on her face. That actually sounded like Brian who was always testing her and finding ways to playfully trick her. “Thanks for this, I’ll leave you guys be.” “Wait” he said as he reached his arms out. “I know I’m not your brother, but I can hug you like I’m him, unless that’s weird.” She gave a small laugh and hugged the boy. “Is there anything we can do to help you? Even a ride home or anything?” some of the other guys started asking with sincerity in their tones. Sam pulled back from the hug. “No thanks, besides I need to go catch up with my oldest brother.” “Hope you find your brother’s meaning” the boy said with a smile, and Sam and the group of boys parted ways.

As soon as she knew she was alone, her smile quickly faded back to her cold frown. She noticed that her hands were shaking again, and now that she was by herself, dark thoughts started racing through her mind. The memories she had been fighting for so long to forget were all coming back. She had to get home, she wanted no one other than Jay who knew and understood what she was feeling because he was there the night that everything happened. She couldn’t tell anyone about the Foot attack that night. It was too hard to talk about and it was too personal, and she had to truly 110% trust someone with her life in order to tell the full truth about this. She also just wanted to be alone. The world had cast her out after what happened. When she needed people most, they all vanished. Her closest childhood friends separated themselves from her and left her all alone. She was alone, and that’s how she had taught herself to deal with her problems. She would bottle things up within herself and she wouldn’t talk to anyone, since no one wanted to hear about it anyway, and knowing that no one wanted to hear about it, this was why she could only tell someone that she trusted her life with, and that person was Jay. He was never around though, so that lead her back to keeping everything to herself, back to her being alone. Friends were gone, and since Jay was basically always working, her whole family was gone. Everyone was gone and she was alone. Always alone, and that’s how it would always be. “HEY SAM. Remember us?!” Sam stopped once she realized that there was a 6ft. turtle yelling at her as he stood in her path. She wondered how they knew where she was when she remembered that she was with them at the game before everything happened. “…I came to the game with you guys…right…my bad” she said as she fought her hardest to fake a smile without crying, but she could tell they all knew just how fake her expression was. “Did that guy do something?” Raph asked. “No.” “Leave me alone” she thought. “…that’s it?” “…what?” “I want to be alone. Just let me leave” she thought to herself. Ever since that night, she was always alone, especially when she was upset. When people ditched her because she was broken, she learned to handle anything that upset her on her own. She didn’t want to be around anybody but her brother, and as much as she loved these guys, they weren’t her actual brothers. They didn’t know the things that Jay knew and she wasn’t ready to tell them. She knew they would want to ask her questions about what just happened and she didn’t want to answer those questions, so she bailed before anyone else could speak.

“It’s late, so I’m gonna head home, alone” she said bluntly. She couldn’t fight any longer and she felt the tears in her eyes, so she walked away and prayed that they would leave her alone. She rounded a corner and she didn’t hear anything behind her, so she knew she was okay. She felt guilty for keeping secrets from them, especially from Mikey, but…she just wasn’t ready. She loved that she wasn’t trapped inside her room anymore and that she actually had somewhere to go with people that cared about her, but it was still so soon. She had dropped some hints about her past with her siblings, which was huge for her to do even that, like how she told Raph that the sais belonged to Chuck. Jesus talking about Chuck at all was a huge deal for her. And that was the thing, her four green friends, April, Splinter, without knowing it, they were all pulling her out of a deep well that she had fallen into and had been trapped in for years. Within each of them she had found pieces of a puzzle that she had lost for so long, but seeing Brian like that was the equivalent of knocking that puzzle to the floor and shattering it into a million little pieces. She felt herself falling back into that well that she had taken so long to climb out of.

She felt that no matter who came along, no matter what changes or gains came into her life, she would never be able to escape from the horrors of the past. She could see clones of Brian every day, but that didn’t change the fact that he was gone. It didn’t matter that she taught Leo and Raph to cook the way Brian taught her, it didn’t matter that Leo liked antiques like Brian or that Donnie quizzed her the way Brian did, or that Mikey played videogames with her the same way Brian did, he was and always would be gone. It was the same for all of them. No matter what qualities her new friends had that reminded her of her family members, they were all gone. And as she thought of this, their final breaths played over and over again in her head. She saw all of them, remembered where they were and what they were doing before the events that lead to their deaths. She could hear their conversations and could see their smiling faces before they turned into teary eyed expressions that screamed in terror. She remembered everything, including how they died. The sequence of events stayed on replay. Over and over she mentally watched the horrors of that night.

Sam collapsed against the side of the wall and slid down until she was sitting on the ground. She couldn’t do anything about it. No matter how happy she had become, one small moment had broken and destroyed her, and now she would have to start back over from scratch. She was scared, and alone. At this point she didn’t care if a criminal came and attacked her in any way. She was lost in the darkness of her thoughts and nothing could pull her out, at least that’s what she thought.

“Sam?” she heard a gentle voice ask. She thought she was imagining things and sat still, until she felt someone hold her shaking hands. “I’ve never seen your hands shake like this before” the voice said as it took her hands into his. She slowly turned her glassy eyes towards the voice and saw none other than her best friend kneeling down next to her. “I told you I wanted to be alone” she mumbled, choking out her words in her sobs. She hadn’t even realized she was crying with tears streaming down her face because she had been so lost in her thoughts. In fact, she didn’t even know where it was she had been walking. These thoughts halted once she realized Mikey was there, and she could now tell that her cheeks were soaked from her tears. “I know, but I really wanted to go after you, though I wasn’t sure if it was a girl reason or a Sam reason that you were acting the way you were. But regardless I didn’t like that you were heading towards a lone street by yourself at this hour. Anyway, we called April and she said that when girls say they want to be left alone, then usually they want to be chased after by someone they care about. She also said that in general that someone should at least watch over you to make sure you were safe, so that’s what I’m doing. I’m sorry if I’m making you more upset by being here…but I couldn’t leave you alone.” Sam stared at him, just straight up stared at him for the longest time. She had a hard time processing that someone actually gave a shit. Not because she asked them to and not because they needed something, but because they truly and genuinely just gave a shit about her. She wanted to be alone because everyone had left her that way and she believed that that was how she handled these situations best, but…was that what she really wanted? Or had she forced that thought into her mind because everyone had left her by herself for so long? She thought that she would hate it if someone followed her and that she needed to handle this alone, but she was wrong about herself. She was happy, and for the first time ever, she had begun to cry happy tears along with the sad ones. “Thank you” she said as tears streamed down her face. Mikey gave her a light smile and gently pulled her over. He sat cross legged as Sam now sat in his lap, the back of her head against his chest as he lightly rested his chin on the top of her head. He wrapped his arms around his friend and hugged her, and she held onto the hands wrapped around her even tighter. “I understand if you don’t want to talk about it. It’s your life and your business, so you talk whenever you’re ready. If that’s never, then so be it.” For the first time ever, Sam wanted to talk. She wanted to tell him everything, but she was also very scared. She had never talked about these things with anyone without being forced to do so. She decided that she would reveal some of the truth, and that gradually she would start revealing things to Mikey when the time was right. No one had ever cared until he came along. She felt like her presence was wanted when he was around and that he truly cared about what was wrong with her. “I thought I saw my brother tonight, but it turned out to be someone else. From afar that guy really looked like my brother Brian.” “So you chased after him thinking he came home without telling you?” “Yeah, but it wasn’t him…I just miss him so much” she said through sobs. “I understand. If Leo had disappeared for such a long period of time and then I caught him casually hanging around town, I know I’d lose my cool. I’d have so many questions to ask him, so many things I would just want to scream at him.” Sam smiled a bit and turned her head some towards him. “Can you take me to my house?” “Of course” he replied with a smile. “Can you spend the night?” she asked. “Sorry, I don’t sleep over on the first date” he teased. “Asshole,” she said as she rolled her eyes and chuckled, something she never thought she’d be able to do in this situation. But that was the power of Michelangelo. Whether she was hurt, hyper, confused, scared, angry, or even hungry, no matter what her attitude was and where her thoughts were sending her, he always brought her back down to earth. It was like he attached a bungee cord to her back and made sure she bounced back up after falling into her well of emotions. Whenever her puzzle pieces broke, he just glued them back together again. Even now at her lowest and weakest moment, he was there. She thought he wouldn’t be, and yet here he was, proving her wrong. Now that she realized just how much she wanted and needed to have him by her side, and as she jumped onto his back so that he could carry her home, she mentally vowed that she would never let go of their friendship and that she would keep him as close as possible until she finally felt ready to tell him the complete and honest truth. Not only because of her feeling comfortable enough to do so, but because at that point she would feel safe enough to know he wouldn’t leave her alone ever again, not even after hearing of the horrors she had experienced in the past.

*Monday June 30th, Donnie’s Lab* *Theme: Skrux-Escapade*

Donnie couldn’t believe all the equipment Sam had helped him get his hands on. She had asked Jay if he could help her get her hands on any and all old medical equipment that any of his friends could give away because it had broken or had malfunctioned, and her reasoning was that it was for her friends older brother who needed it for some projects because he wanted to become a future medical student himself (which in certain senses was true). Because of this, Donnie had received tons of different equipment that he could only dream of getting his hands on. He now had various medical monitors that could monitor a person’s vital signs, lab equipment to analyze things like blood, genes, dissolved gases, etc. He had diagnostic medical equipment, therapeutic devices, the list of devices he had and their uses went on and on. That night Donnie had asked Sam if she wanted to help him set up the med lab now that he had enough equipment to actually get a work station set up, and of course she agreed to join him. As they set devices up around the room, the two talked about multiple different things that Donnie was never able to talk to his brothers about. The two discussed a variety of topics: physics, chemistry, biochemistry, mathematics, biology, psychology, astronomy, microbiology, statistics, sociology, neuroscience, economics, philosophy, history, the list went on and on. Donnie was able to discuss many of these topics amongst his brothers and April, but he had never talked about them quite as in depth as he was now. It had been made obvious numerous times that Sam wasn’t as intelligent as Donnie, but she was definitely close and overall very open-minded. After hours had flown by, the topics switched away from math and sciences to social studies, and then to religion, and then to literature, and then to music, which then lead them to start talking about more media related topics like modern music, movies, games, etc. They went from talking about video games to then talking about their favorite You Tube gamers. “See what I love most about Vanoss is that he’s comical like the rest of the guys in the group, but he’s also the most strategic. For example, whenever he plays Gmod Hide and Seek or Gmod Prop Hunt, he always finds the best hiding spots that people would never think of, but then he messes with their heads when he does things like ‘operation bigfoot’” Sam stated as she worked on the wiring of an infusion pump. “It’s hilarious when he does that. Oh, I love when he literally hides in the walls. He takes advantage of every glitch he can find” Donnie said as he closed a drawer filled with carefully cleaned and maintained surgical instruments. “After Vanoss, I’d have to say that Nogla and Delirious are my favorites. I love that they get picked on by their friends in literally every video, but they just roll with it. They can take a joke, and because of that their friends are able to tease the heck out of the two of them, and honestly that just makes the videos even funnier. Do you actually plan on using those tools?” she asked curiously as she glanced at a table with some tools used when performing serious surgeries. “God I hope not! I’ve watched a ridiculous amount of videos on what they’re used for and how to use them, and I’ve had some minor experience-” “When did you have experience using surgical tools?” Sam cut in, her eyes wide. “Ummm, you have to keep it between us, okay?” “Got it! Your secret is safe with me!” “For the past…I want to say the past 6 years, if I ever found some really beat up strays on the streets, I would do my best to save them. I mean, no one else was going to try and help them, so I thought my help was better than just leaving them to rot in the streets, and I actually helped save each animal that I found.” Sam titled her head to the side. “Why do I have to keep that a secret?” “Because stray animals could have diseases or could be rabid, that and where I found them wasn’t always exactly in the shadows. Those two things equal danger, and because of that I knew my brothers and Sensei would never have allowed me to do what I had been doing, so I’ve been hiding this from them for 6 years now. Yup.” Sam dramatically held her hand to her chest. “Why Donatello! You, you have a secret that you keep from your family? You’re not the innocent nerd that everyone thinks you are?” “Ha ha” he said dryly, “I’m still a person. Everyone has secrets, even the good kids” he said as he held his hands when quoting ‘the good kids.’

Joking aside, he was happy to see Sam cracking jokes again. It had been 5 days since Sam’s emotional episode after the basketball game and none of them were sure how to handle the situation. They all wanted to know what had happened, but they knew that coming straight out and asking her questions would get them nowhere. April had told them that letting her talk when she was ready and just acting like everything was normal was the best way to react to the situation, so that’s what they did. For two days Sam stayed away from the lair and only left her home when she needed to. The only person she talked to outside of her home was Mikey, and that was only to respond to his occasional updates to make sure she was okay. On day three Sam had asked Mikey to come over to her apartment to hangout that night, and by the next morning she had tried visiting the lair. The boys followed April’s advice and acted normally and successfully hid their worry. Because of this, Sam was quickly able to return to her regular routines and habits when hanging out with the guys, including now where she was making sarcastic comments and teasing Donnie.

As the two continued to work and set things up throughout the med wing, Donatello’s attention was pulled away from the machine he was working on and was drawn to the small television he had set up in the room (in case anyone were ever so badly injured that they might have to spend a few nights in the room) as the screen displayed a commercial about the latest exhibits at the Natural History Museum. Sam noticed that Donnie had stopped working, and as she looked over at him to make sure that he was alright, she could see in his expression how badly he wanted to visit the museum. “What’s wrong E.T.? Troubles phoning home?” she moved on to fixing a smaller x-ray device. “*sigh* I would love to go there” Donnie replied. “Well you’ve imprinted, so go” she replied, still working on the device. He turned towards her and gave her an odd look. “To the museum?” “Your precious” she said as she faced him with wide eyes as she ran her fingers against each other. “I volunteer you as tribute.” She then turned back towards the device. “Pfft, not possible” he said as he pouted and flopped down in his swivel chair. “What? You lost your invisibility cloak?” “Heh, no. I just wish we there was a way where I could buy tickets even as a 6’8 turtle” he chuckled. “I find your lack of faith disturbing” she said with a serious tone as she looked at him with a disappointed and dull expression. “And I think you watch to many movies” he replied with a smile. “That is extremely true, but not the point! If you want to go to the museum, then let’s just go” she said as she started walking towards the exit. “You know a way to sneak in?” he asked. “Do you know me?” she asked sarcastically. “Do you know breaking and entering is illegal?” “Do you know how annoying you are?” “That’s my line.” “Well I beat you to it which means I win! So FIELD TRIP! C’mon Erudite! Let’s escape this maze and find your cure!” she exclaimed as she practically skipped out of the lab. “You have way too much time on your hands if you’ve watched every major movie series” Donnie announced with a laugh (which earned him a playfully shove) as he followed the girl. He liked that there was never a dull moment with his new friend and was interested in how their ‘field trip’ would play out tonight.

Everyone else was in their rooms at the time, so the two just walked out of the lair and up to the rooftops of the buildings above. Of course, since Donnie was one of the more mature of the group, he made sure that he had his shell cell with him in case there was an emergency and his brothers needed to contact him, though he’d be a liar if he said that checking his phone periodically was on his mind once he got to the museum. After they had completed all their needed hacking so that they could sneak into the building, Sam had exposed an entrance from a vent on the roof that lead to the attic storage of the building, and once they had cleared this part of the break in, they were free to explore all the current exhibits that the museum had to offer.

Donnie wasn’t sure where to start. They had exhibits on dinosaurs, the latest studies on health and the human body, missions from Earth to other planets, looking through the eyes of Einstein, and so many more. Donnie wasn’t sure where to begin, but his choice was determined by the teen who was mentally a five year when she wanted to be. “Dinosaurs. Let’s go to see the dinosaurs. I want to see dinosaurs” Sam said over and over again until finally her friend agreed, and within seconds Sam was rushing over to see the exhibits about the dinosaurs with Donnie following behind her. They learned about how studies have shown that some current bird species may have come from dinosaurs that changed and evolved over tens of millions of years (and of course Sam had to take pictures in the giant modeled nests because Sam was Sam). The two then moved to the interactive exhibits that discussed the microbiome-where bacteria is living in and on us, how the bacteria’s are obtained and how they can offer new perspectives on how to deal with health problems like allergies, asthma, and obesity. Afterwards, they moved on to the next exhibit about foods from around the world. The two learned about how various foods were grown, traded, prepared, etc. They read through some of the first made cook books throughout history and even got to prepare their own virtual meals at the interactive cooking table, and of course the two had fun coming up with the weirdest dishes they could think of.

The two moved on from exhibit to exhibit, looking at everything and participating in every interactive activity they could find. Since they were the only two there, they moved through each exhibit rather quickly, and after a few hours they were ready to leave the museum. Since the two had been talking about scientific research for the past few hours, they decided to talk more casually on their walk home, and while doing so, Donnie noticed Sam staring at his left shoulder. “Why don’t you take a picture?” “…what?” Sam asked with a smile. Donnie rolled his eyes. “What are you staring at anyway?” “I’m trying to find your tattoo, and I’m failing at doing so.” His eyes widened a bit. “You know about that?” “Yup!” “Let me guess, Mikey?” “Yup again!” “Tch, you tell each other everything, don’t you?” “Well, yes and no. We talk about a lot of things, and I think it’s safe to say that he knows more about me than anyone else, but we both have our boundaries. He told me there’s certain stories about all four of you that will forever stay only between you four. He’s made that very clear.” Donnie laughed. “Well it’s good to know he’s still the best at keeping secrets and people’s private lives private.” He then looked over and squinted his eyes at his friend when he heard her try to hide a small laugh. “What’s so funny?” “Nothing” she said as she quickly shook her head and smiled, “just, of course I’m curious as to what happened to you guys that you’ve all sworn to secrecy that you won’t ever tell anyone about it…oh but that could also mean moments where your lives were in danger and that’s why you’re keeping it secret. Just kidding it’s not funny anymore” she said as she made a serious face. “Honestly it’s a mix of both, but more so things you would find funny, so you’re good.” “Oh? Are you going to be the one to spill the details?” she teased as she nudged him in the side. “Heck no! Especially since they’re not all about me. All three of my brother’s would kill me if I gave away even the smallest amount of information.” “I guess tattoos aren’t part of those secrets then, since they’re all extremely visible on all of you, well except for you, but you get the point.” “Oh, I can show you mine, if you want.” “Yes. I need proof, especially since you don’t seem like someone who would let anything pierce and possibly damage your body.” “Oh no I hated getting this thing with a burning passion, but I liked that this was a symbol that linked our family together, so I agreed to let Raph make a small print on my shoulder.” As he talked, he took off his brown shoulder pad on his left shoulder, revealing a black inked tattoo of a turtle shell that looked to be about the size of his hand. Sam chuckled. “Yup, yours is definitely the smallest print” she teased with a smile. “Hey! At least I have one! I can take credit for sitting through the pain of getting one!” “Did it hurt that bad?” “…no, but it makes me look cooler if it seems that I sat through something painful. You know, like I was macho enough to deal with the pain.” Sam laughed. “Okay one, don’t say ‘macho’ if you want to act cool. Two, I’m pretty sure you were mentally being tortured the entire time you were sitting there, so you still own that badass image from putting up with your own thoughts.” He nodded his head and shrugged his shoulders. “Eh, I’ll take it. So, do you like tattoos?” he asked as he put his shoulder pad back on. Sam quickly shook her head. “Oh, really?” “Yeah, I mean there’s nothing wrong with them, and I don’t have anything against people that like and have them, I just personally don’t care for them. I feel like they can be dangerous if you go somewhere sketchy, and unless I have a specific meaning behind the tattoo I’m getting, I don’t think it’s worth the pain or the risks of getting one.” Donnie decided to take a risk when asking his next question. “Do you think you and your siblings would ever get matching tattoos? You know, like how my family has a symbol that unites us. Would you and your siblings ever do that?” Sam paused, but Donnie could tell by her facial expressions that her pause was to think about what he had just asked rather than her spacing out from her emotions like she had nights before. “Honestly, I can’t see ALL my siblings being interested in something like that. We’ve had matching accessories though. We all had necklaces with an initial pendant attached to the chain. The pendant was black and the initials were in whatever our favorite color was, so my ‘S.A.P’ was green over black, and it looked awesome!” she exclaimed with a smile. Donnie noticed it again, that she was talking about her siblings in the past tense. He so badly wanted to ask her why she had continued this habit, but he saw how happy she was as she talked about her siblings and he didn’t want to rob her of her happiness, so instead he continued on with the conversation.

As the two walked back to the lair, they continued to talk about their families and what it was like to have so many siblings. They found it interesting how they had shared so many similar experiences since they were both the second to youngest out of all their siblings. They both experienced being treated as the baby of the group and everyone felt the need to look over them even though they were capable of taking care of themselves, and how even though people treated them like kids (at one time) they were still expected to act like adults at the same time because they had another sibling who was younger than them. They swapped stories back and forth until they got back to the lair, and when they returned to their familiar territory, they decided to keep working on the med lab since they both still had so much energy left. They worked for another couple hours until Sam was so tired that she started losing control of her balance. At that time, Donnie helped her walk back to his lab where he had his spare bed. He didn’t have to worry about her being comfortable since she collapsed on the bed as soon as she saw it, and within seconds she was sound asleep. Donnie covered her with a blanket and left her to sleep.

As he walked back to his room, he reminisced about everything he had learned at the museum, but then suddenly his mind reminded him of the night that Sam had entered his lab when, at the time, he didn’t want her taking one step in his lab aka his sacred space. He remembered how furious he was that she had snuck into the lab and how he acted towards her, and how upset she was because she thought that he hated her (and at that time, she was almost right in assuming that.) The memory dropped a lot of guilt on the turtle’s shoulders. He felt horrible that he ever treated her that way, especially after days like today where she was the only person who could connect with him in ways that the rest of his family couldn’t. There was one thing that cheered him up though, and that was how his attitude and actions towards the girl had changed over time. The night of his memory where he stated that he didn’t hate her, those words were the first ‘nice’ things he had ever said to her, and that same night he vowed that he would at least attempt to treat her better, not only for her sake, but also in respect for Mikey since Sam and Mikey had obviously become very close friends even that early on. Donnie smiled as he thought of all the happier moments that not only he, but that all his brother’s had shared with Sam. He was glad that she didn’t give up on them and that she kept finding ways to get them to talk to her, like the night she had tricked Leo into getting upset and making her fight with Raph, and he was glad that he and his brother’s had all eventually tried to get along with and try to get to know the girl as well. As time went on, she became more like a sister to the boys rather than just a friend, and Donnie was grateful to have her around as the newest addition to their family.

*Wednesday July 2nd*

It was around 1 a.m. when Mikey felt a presence enter his room. He had been sleeping on his right side and was facing the wall, so he couldn’t see who it was that had entered his room and shut the door, but he had a good idea that he knew who it was: Sam. He continued to lie still though, just in case it wasn’t her. He couldn’t list how many times his brother’s had snuck into his room to pull pranks on him at all hours of the day and night, but it was okay since he had done the same to all of them, but he was also staying still in case it happened to be a burglar from the Foot clan. Ever since the Foot had found their first home, the boys were always on edge when they heard noises at times when it was completely silent.

As he lie still and thought of who it might have been that entered his room, he felt the motion of someone crawl into bed with him. They didn’t touch him or move around much, they just got into the bed and lie still underneath the covers. At this point he was pretty confident that it was just Sam who had fallen asleep on the couch earlier, so he paid no mind to this, not until he heard a light sob. It was silent after that, but a few minutes later he heard it again. It sounded like she was crying but fighting her hardest not to let it be known.

Mikey quickly turned on the small lamp next to his bed and turned over to see that it was Sam who had crawled into his bed. She was laying on her left side so that he was now facing her back. “Sam…Sam, why are you crying?” he asked gently. She didn’t speak, but instead shook her head to show that she didn’t want to talk. Mikey knew that was total bull and knew that there was something she wanted him to know, or else she would have gone somewhere to hide and be alone rather than come straight to his room. Knowing this, he carefully pulled her towards him. He lay down and held her from behind, his arms wrapped protectively around her. “Does it have anything to do with you thinking you saw your brother the other day?” She paused and then slowly nodded her head. “I had a dream about him. It felt real, and then I woke up…” she couldn’t speak since tears had begun to pour out from her eyes again. Mikey held onto her a bit tighter. His heart hurt as he listened to his friend quietly cry for the longest time. She was always so happy and full of smiles whenever they were together, which made seeing her this way, so broken and emotionally torn down, so difficult and heartbreaking for him. “I can’t say I understand what you’re going through, because I’ve always had my brothers by my side, but I can say that I know I’d be lost without them. Having the people that have always been a room away suddenly disappear for so long would emotionally and mentally kill me. I’m so, so sorry you’ve been alone for so long, but we won’t let you feel that way ever again, I’ll never let you feel that way ever again.” As soon as the words left his lips, Sam turned over and lay down facing him, her face now buried in his chest. A small smile appeared on Mikey’s face as he continued to hold his friend close, one hand resting against her back and the other gently running through the girl’s hair. He let his chin lightly rest on top of her head as he heard her sobs slowly fade out. He held her close until he knew for sure that she had drifted off to sleep, and once he knew that she was okay, he finally allowed himself to fall asleep as well.

He knew that he could never replace her brothers that were now living far away because he knew that no one would ever be able to replace his brothers if they ever moved far away. Still, he wanted to do everything he could to see Sam smile instead of frown, to see her laugh instead of cry, to see her fall asleep because she had had an exhausting day of fun activities instead of falling asleep from her tears. He vowed that he would stay by his best friend’s side as much as he possibly could, not to replace her brother, but to help bring back the fun and joyful memories that she had of spending time with him, and to create new memories that would help tuck away the all the bad ones.

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