#but this is truly something so personal to me and i'll cherish it forever

[youknowwhoiamperiod]

this is a beautiful raw and vulnerable piece of art, and i must say that it got me tearing up from the very first paragraph. i can feel the pain and the fall right through the words, cutting into pieces and breaking, reaching to the deepest and darkest parts. i don't want to get too descriptive about this but this is one of those very rare times where i find my own feelings that i've been a having a hard time to voice translated into words. and you've done it so gracefully and so exquisitely. the hope and the persistence that jason holds for reader, his undying love and desire to fight for her is deeply personal and courageous, the knowledge and feeling of having someone being your pillar, holding onto them even when you can't stand, someone who believes in you even when you don't, someone who knows you even when you can't even look at yourself in the mirror, especially when your hurt is also hurting them profoundly, breaking them into pieces in turn, this fits him so perfectly and you've written it so flawlessly. the ending is truly magnificent, the hope to see the rise coming, even when you don't know how it'll greet you, but to know that you're making it, and jason seeing it too, that the sun is once again rising to you both... clutching this fic to my heart and keeping it there. i hardly have anyting to say except that you have spoken to my soul and it is the greatest thing ever. this makes perfect sense to me and it's making me feel a lot <333

lover, be good to me. jason todd [3.4k]

synopsis. in the third summer of your love, you get sick.

cw. gn!reader, sickfic, mental health issues, descriptions of weight fluctuation, angst, hurt/comfort. medication. this one is a bit heavy so please exercise discretion. written from the perspective of chronic illness but nothing is specified beyond discussion of mental health symptoms.

There’s a ghost that lives in your home.

This thing lives between you and Jason, a haunting in every room, a presence you can’t not feel. You feel its baleful eyes on you in dreams and upon waking, strongest in the winter, when the East Coast chill sinks its teeth into your arms hard enough to reach bone. 

It goes like this: sometime in the third summer of your love, you get sick. There isn’t anything to point to what it is exactly, only that one June morning you don’t get out of bed. It’s nothing until it is, the next several weeks spent making a home in the four walls of your shared bedroom. 

A flip switches seemingly overnight, and you’re further from your lover than you’ve ever been. 

Jason - and the part of you that knows better, dormant now, buried beneath the rubble - watches in mute horror as you bring yourself to ruin. The desire to be good, the control you’ve held over yourself, slips free of your grasp in seconds. Invisible threads are picked at until you’re frayed at the ends and your beloved home, this reprieve the two of you had as good as built from the ground up, falls victim to it. 

You pick fights. You slam doors and hide in the bathroom for hours on end. You want to scream yourself hoarse, your fingers itching for violence, longing to shatter something if only to give life to this sickness that lives in you, as if by breaking, you’ll cast it out. The exorcism does not come, but a cloying feeling sits beneath your skin, strangling, blood sitting stagnant in your veins and rotting. 

There are moments of clarity, when you lift your head from the haze and the gravity of all you’ve done barrels into you like a freight train. Those do not last long, invisible hands pulling you back under before you can correct your course. It's as though you take the backseat, replaced by something entirely that takes the controls, watching in mute horror as you destroy everything around you.

Jason gives it back just as good but even then, even in the anger, there’s something else in his eyes. You catalogue it, feeling as though your very soul has split – it’s the you from before that weeps at this, reaching out for your lover in prostration, begging for forgiveness. The being that lives in you now, volatile, ever shifting like a burning flame, burns too bright to feel shame. He is there, and he loves you – enough to bear the brunt of your pain, apparently. Shards of shrapnel, your anger is explosive and shatters everything in its wake. It cares not for sentiment, for history and love. You hurt, and it is blinding. 

The doctor’s appointment is booked far later than it ought to be, after weeks of tumultuousness that have left a dour cover over your home, seeping through the cracks in the walls and into the surrounding apartments. Your neighbours must loathe you. You’re too detached, too selfish to care.

The night before is the most clear headed you’ve felt all month, haze lifting as if to show you – look what you’ve done, look at all you’ve wrought. The devastation floors you, the grief you’ve caused to the one you love most curdles your blood and you weep in Jason’s arms. Knelt before him, you press your wet face into his lap. 

I’ll be good. I promise, I’ll try to be better, I’m sorry. 

You can barely breathe through your tears, broken hearted, sure you must be dying. Has anyone ever felt such grief, you wonder, and the thought is immediately followed by a tidal wave of self loathing. Selfish, so focused on your own misgivings. This is no way to live.

He tells you he loves you and it feels like a kindness you don’t deserve. Too good a man for you, an exhaustion from the last month lines his features. The thought terrifies you, that you’ve veered too close to the precipice of forever splintering him, that under your hand he knows other, less gentle things. Yours has not been a peaceful love as of late, and you wonder if this will be the straw that breaks his back.

In the waiting room, his hand finds yours. A good man, one you do not deserve. He doesn’t let go. Not when your name is called, not when you tell your doctor what’s been happening.

You hope, foolish, desperate thing that you are, that they’ll offer a quick fix. It’s laughable, but the soft turn of the doctor’s gaze makes your stomach twist. So begins the year of doctor’s visits.

You become very familiar with waiting rooms, sterile rooms and the low buzz of the news channel playing on TVs, pale walls and water coolers, paper cups shredded in your lap. 

The first shrink you talk to is, at first, the answer to all your problems – Jason balks at it, in the beginning, and you hear him muttering to his brother on the phone but he doesn’t breathe a word of it to you. If it helps you, that’s all that matters. The man listens. He understands how hard things are and how your hurt is poisoning you. He makes the right noises and his cardigan lends him an air of sincerity, brown eyes framed by thick glasses that in the glare of the light feel kind, almost like kinship.

You’re desperate for a solution, even if it means taking the prescription pills that after about a week, leave you with hands that shake violently anytime you raise them, shedding too much weight, way too fast. The insomnia comes next, and then the pills that are meant to fix that. Orange, smaller than the nail on your little finger. The tremors do not go away, but in settles a new drowsiness, bringing with it vivid dreams that feel terrifyingly lifelike. You wake in a sheen of sweat to the already awake gaze of your boyfriend, eyes wide and wary, hands finding yours in the dark, whispering reassurances when you cry again. 

How many tears have you spent this year, and how many have you subjected him to?

His kindness feels like a balm over your jagged edges, and you shake your head when he first tentatively suggests that the medicine isn’t working. You’re determined to stick to your vow. You love him, you need to get better. You can’t keep living like this, can’t do the fits of rage, can’t do the mood changes. You can’t keep hurting the both of you.

Still, sleep evades you, a cruel thing dancing out of reach even when you’re told to double down on the dose. The dreams only worsen, virulent hues of fluorescent greens and red, blood and viscera on your hands. 

It feels like a condemnation when Jason mutters one night, after you’ve woken from yet another dream, body stiff with fright and reaching out for him, less hesitant now in the face of your tears, “This isn’t working.”

Bitterly, you find you can’t argue with him. Worse, you’ve shelled out a horrifying amount of money simply to vent to a yes-man. The pills are disposed of in the morning and another appointment scheduled.

Back in the waiting rooms, back to discussing other, not-shrink options, Jason’s hand finds yours once more. You watch the news, watch tired parents wrangle their sick children, watch the colourful plastic toys. 

“I hate this,” you whisper, leaning into his side. 

You’ve been unwell for a month and then some, by now. The waiting room feels like a taunt – you are sick, you are suffering. The sickness festering in you, the rot you can’t explain, makes you feel smaller than ever, frail in a way you haven’t known before. 

Before, you used to like that Jason was so much bigger than you, that he could protect you. This, though, he cannot save you from, a fact you’re sure frustrates him just as much as your weakness does you. There is the anger, of course, but there is also fear. What is to become of you now? Your life, through your failing health, has been torn from you. You feel robbed, feel a distinctly you-shaped loss in your frame that leaves you teetering on a precipice. How quickly things had taken a turn, and there was nothing you could do about it.

Jason sighs, turning to press his mouth against your hairline. “I know. I know, baby.”

You’re sent off with forms for another blood test. Maybe it’s something different, and there burns a beacon of hope. It is also entirely possible you’ll spend another six months on medication that doesn’t work. 

You don’t care for this. There is a hopelessness and vulnerability to feeling sick that you do not care for, catching sight of yourself in the bathroom mirror and doctor’s office scales and fluctuating weight – you begin to turn your head away from the numbers at this point like you're being stuck by a needle, meeting your lover’s eye while the doctor takes his notes and finding comfort in teal irises, in the small grin he gives you when you’ve done something he thinks to be brave. You don’t care for any of it, but you must. For him. 

He hasn’t breathed a word of contention to you – a good man – but you know it weighs on him. You’ve woken once or twice in the night to find him watching over you, something in his eyes like he fears you’ll slip away, a hand always in yours, or holding you close to him. 

Guilt, ever-cutting, roils in your stomach. The anger cedes these days to make way for it, and your eyes burn, shame becoming a familiar friend.

“I’ve put you through the wringer, haven’t I?” you whisper on one of these nights. He blinks, unaware you’ve woken, and it speaks to how tired he must be that he’d not noticed, too lost in his thoughts to feel your eyes on him.

He cradles your jaw tenderly with one hand, kissing your temple. “No more than I’ve worried you.”

It’s true that you’ve faced your own set of troubles with him. Still, it feels distinctly different – his anger had been the product of fear, a genuine terror at the thought of letting you get too close. There’s decay in you, one you aren’t sure has entirely left, despite your placidity these days. 

“I’m sorry.” You apologise and he narrows his eyes, but you reach for his hand, intertwining your fingers. “You’re a good man.”

“Don’t be stupid,” he grumbles. “Obviously I’m going to fuckin’ look after you.”

Do I deserve it? You think.

“Wish you’d let me do the same for you,” you whisper, instead. It’s a truth you’ve often spoken, but feels like a lie in this moment, a deflection of your feelings. Guilt, once more, settles on your tongue, cloying against your tastebuds.

He kisses you sweetly, and you wonder if he can taste it. Something in the slant of his lips tells you he knows. How could he not? Once, twice, he brushes his mouth over yours. Chaste, loving. “Just get better. Then, maybe. I’ll consider it.”

Your eyes burn, fear like the tide, washing in once more. “What if–” your breath hitches, a lump forming in your throat.

“What?” His voice is soft, encouraging.

“What if it isn’t–if I don’t–” you can’t make out the words. The pad of his fingers brush over your lips.

“You will,” Jason whispers, voice thick. His eyes are bright in the dark, you realise, horrifyingly, sapphires covered in a sheen of liquid. “You will, ‘cause you promised me. And I’m holding you to it.”

You hear it for what it is – I’m here. I’m here and I’m not letting go of you. Don’t let go of me.

He’s asked for so little. Good men are rare to find in Gotham and you’ve got the best of them. You reach up and clutch his wrist, hands turning until your fingers slot comfortably between each other. 

“Okay,” you tell him, and you know he knows. I’m going to get better. 

The diagnosis comes eventually. In your relief, there is also bitterness. Another step forward, it still feels entirely too late. It should have come before, you think. Before you’d taken a sledgehammer to your love, before you’d fractured yourself and Jason from the inside out, before you’d put scars where there had been none, invisible lacerations lining the walls of your chest.

The medication – pills, pills, always pills – is difficult to adjust to at first. It leaves you short of breath, and more anxious, reaching for Jason to ground you. You cry a lot and though it isn’t anything new, there’s a misery in Jason’s eyes that only makes you weep more. You want to be okay again. You want to smile at him without the weight of all you’ve done, without knowing you’ve made him cry when he thinks you’re asleep, tears bleeding silently into the space of the pillowcase above your head. You want to go back so bad it makes your hands shake.

You lie awake, staring at the ceiling. Jason, on his side, brushes a finger over the swell of your cheek.

“Can I say something.”

You hum, sliding your eyes over to him. He gives you a tentative smile - the barest quirk of his lips. 

“Maybe I’m being hopeful, I don’t know,” he mutters, eyes tracing the slope of your nose. “Tell me to shut up if I start talking too much.”

This bashfulness makes you laugh a little. It’s so much like before, and you ache for it. For a moment, you can pretend nothing bad has happened, that the two of you are just in love and home. 

(You wonder if you will always be reaching for before. If you’ll ever get it back, if you’ll always long for it. You wonder if Jason does too.)

“What?” you breathe out.

“Think the meds are working.”

Your breathing shallows and you blink at Jason. Hope is a fickle thing, and it feels tremulous, dancing just before your fingers, as if coaxing you to reach out. You trust him more than anyone in the world, but you’re scared to hope. “What?”

His knuckle brushes over your cheek. “You don’t look as tired.”

You avert your eyes. “Maybe I’m just sleeping better.” Tell me. I’m selfish, I know, but tell me I’m doing better. I need to hear it from you.

He shakes his head, and you quietly marvel at the bloom of pleasure in his face, a contentment you haven’t seen in months in the crease around his eyes. “It’s not that.”

The doctor confirms this when you go back a few weeks later and Jason, so like himself for a brief moment, meets your eyes over the man’s head and mouths, I told you. You bite back a grin, still wary, barely out of the woods. 

“You’ve gained weight,” the doctor says when he gets you on the scale, and he sounds so pleased the sound shoots straight through to your heart, flintstone striking a light, kindling hope for the first time in months. You look down to the numbers flashing back at you, to your lover – but he’s already watching you, eyes creased in silent pleasure. 

You are the last to accept this tentative beginning to peace, to healing, but he waits for you at the threshold, hand outstretched. 

There is no tangible evidence of the destruction you’ve wrought in your home but it lingers, even as you begin the slow crawl out of the woods. You see it in the lines of your lover’s face. There are corners of the room you cannot bear to look at for the first few months following your appointment, too reminiscent of words you’d bellowed in a rage induced haze, captive to your own body. 

This history is one too fresh, too tender to accept just yet, wounds still pink and raw. You cannot face yourself yet. There is too much to do, too much work to do, too much at stake to jeapordise if you slip and fall now.

But Jason is a good man. Much better than you think you deserve – but he’s said the same about you, so perhaps…just maybe…you think it might even out. 

He doesn’t shy away from the worst bits of you, the ugliness you’ve bared to him does not run him off, not like how you flinch from it. You made a promise. I’m holding you to it. He’s hard to shake off, but you don’t want him to. You’re thankful, even, for the dog teeth he’s sunken into your forearm, bound together in blood.

There is grief in beginning to heal. 

Perhaps heal is not the right word, and yet there is no other for this, overcoming the last few months feels like it ought to be called healing. But this is a forever thing. You will know this deficiency for the rest of your life, will know doctor’s appointments and bloodwork – strictly cautionary, we need to make sure the dose is right so we can adjust it accordingly. 

There is grief in finding your footing. It lingers, the horror of falling victim to a biological response – that your mind should so easily be lost, it feels indicative of something greater, a weakness you need to cut out at the root. Jason shakes his head when you voice this one night – you are only ever honest like this under the cover of darkness, sleep softened and gentle enough to be frank with him. 

“You’re not weak.” He says this with love in his voice, but a thread of steel weaves through his words. “Don’t fucking say that. You’re here. That counts for a fucking lot.”

He tugs you closer and you feel it again, that fear that grips his heart. Like you might dissolve in his arms in the middle of the night. 

“I feel better–than before,” you tell him, peering up at him, eyes burning. You press a hand to your heart. “But I still feel it. It’s still here.”

He presses his forehead against yours. “I know.”

And you suppose he would know. “Is it gonna be like this forever?”

He takes a moment to think, and you have to tuck yourself into his neck to hide your tears. Raw – this year has left you raw. You’ve spent a fountain of tears, but they’re yet to run out. You find solace in the hollow of his throat; if you could, you think you would attach yourself there permanently.

“Yes, but no.” You make a questioning noise and he smooths a hand down your back. “‘S gonna be different, now. Not always going to be bad, or good, just – different.”

“Different.” The word fits oddly in your mouth, and whether it’s the late hour or your grief, you can’t make sense of it. He shudders out a breath, weary, and you press closer.

“Yeah,” he whispers into your hair. 

“I just–” you swallow with some difficulty, a lump in your throat. What is there to say that you haven’t already? “I hate this.”

His lips twitch into a tired, sympathetic grin. “I know, baby.”

Silence follows his words, where you mull over all that there is to say, sorting through the jumble of words in your head. You shift until there’s a little room between the two of you, looking up at him.

“Hey.”

He hums, and you feel his hand raise from your back to cup the back of your neck, thumb sweeping over your nape gently. 

“I’m gonna –” your breath hitches, stumbling over the words. “I’m gonna be good, I’ll – I’ll be better. I promise.”

And he knows you’re not talking about your health. This is a forever thing, after all. Your words point to the hidden cracks in the walls, the foundation of your home and heart – I’ll be better. 

Tourmaline eyes crack open a little wider to look at you, tired, but hopeful. “I know, baby. We’ll be alright.”

Ah. Of course he knows. You grin tremulously up at him and press forward to smudge a kiss against his jaw, breathing your promise once more against his skin, hoping it takes root. 

Jason waits at the threshold of your new normal, arm outstretched, knowing you’d join him eventually. He’d known, of course he had – every inch of your soul was his. He holds his hand out. 

Out of the woods, you take it.

fin.

this fic has been in my drafts since 2022 and it always felt too vulnerable to write and finish. like there needed to be a big ceremony about it. this fic is incredibly personal to me, and i always thought i had to be 'ready' to finally finish it, whatever 'ready' means. but it's a sunday night and the semester begins tomorrow, and i'm writing this in bed listening to whatever my spotify plays for me. i'm not sure if this will make sense to anyone but i hope it makes you feel something regardless.

this is a love letter to myself first and foremost, because i'm no longer afraid of reopening an old wound!! i carry her with me always and i love her and i'm taking care of her. i love her and i love you.

[reccyls]

Your Hand, My Lady - The Mature Butler Pledges Loyalty (Victor story)

My translation of Victor's butler event story

--

As a result of the Evil King's Game, my exclusive butler for the day is...

Victor: Oh dear, how could this be! Turns out there isn't a number 6 after all, so the order gets turned back onto the king!

...the person who started this round of the game in the first place, Victor.

Victor: But one must put their heart and soul into what they have agreed to do, so do allow me to be your butler.

Kate: S-sure. I'm looking forward to it.

(Victor as my butler... I wonder what that's going to be like?)

...

Kate: Mm....

Victor: Ah... Apologies, Lady Kate. Did I wake you?

Daylight streaming into my room pulled me from my sleep.

As I sat up, I noticed Victor drawing open the curtains.

Kate: It's fine...

(Oh, right. Victor's going to be acting as my butler for the entire day today.)

Victor: Heh. Are you still sleepy?

He spoke quietly, almost in a whisper, mindful of how I was only barely awake. His voice was sweeter and gentler than usual.

Victor: You have no duties to attend to today, so if you wanted to sleep in, that would be no trouble. It is still half past 5 in the morning.

Kate: Half past five...? Then, I'll sleep a little more.

Victor: Of course. Sleep well, and I will let you know when breakfast is prepared.

...

As I curled up in bed once more, Victor silently approached and adjusted my blanket.

With a warm, ticklish feeling in my chest at Victor's care, I enjoyed my extra bit of sleep that morning.

After I had my fill of sleep, Victor woke me and I got dressed for the day. I also enjoyed a delicious breakfast.

Kate: Today's breakfast was really good!

As Victor spoke, he held a fork with a piece of apple up to me.

Victor: That is good to hear. I'll be sure to pass your words on to the chef.

Victor: ...My lady, how about some fresh fruits for dessert? Say 'aah'.

Hesitantly, I ate the offered fruit.

(Is he really going to feed me...?)

(Is this a normal thing for butlers to do?)

Kate: Mm, this is good too!

Kate: ...But, um, it is a bit embarrassing to do this.

The gap between me and Victor felt smaller than normal today.

It wasn't just regular kindness I could feel in the depths of his words and his expressions. He gave off the impression that he truly and deeply cherished me.

Victor: Please do forgive me.

Victor: I was enjoying myself too much and I have ended up making you uncomfortable.

Victor: Could you find it in your heart to forgive such an incompetent butler...?

Victor: Thank you very much. My lady is truly kind.

Kate: You don't have to apologize! You're not incompetent at all!

Kate: Please just keep doing what you think you should. If I'm actually uncomfortable with something, I'll let you know.

...

(I basically spent the entire day with Victor. It was a lot of fun.)

...The truth is, this past week, I'd seen some pretty horrible things during my missions with Crown.

I wanted to go on those missions so I could get used to that kind of tragedy, but all I ended up doing was make myself more and more depressed...

(...And that's when Victor proposed the Evil King's Game, and he ended up as my butler for the day.)

(Thanks to being able to spend time with him, I feel a lot better.)

But just like nothing sad lasts forever, neither do the good times.

Every hour that passed was one hour less that I would be able to spend with Victor.

Kate: Oh, thank you. If you don't mind?

Victor: Ah yes. Before dinner, may I braid your hair, my lady?

Victor: During breakfast and lunch, your hair seemed to bother you.

Victor: Of course not, leave it to me. I'll be sure to style your hair to be both practical and beautiful.

Victor sat me down in front of the mirror. Parting my hair with a comb, his large hands began to braid my hair.

Kate: ...You really know a lot about women's fashion, Victor.

Victor: I am your butler, but I do usually work as the queen's aide.

Throughout the day, Victor was careful to ensure that my clothes wouldn't end up dirty, and helped to suggest complementary accessories when I was unsure which ones to pick.

And the hands working through my hair were obviously very familiar with the act of braiding.

Kate: Oh, right...

Since he worked closely with the queen, it made sense that Victor would have picked up a deep understanding of women's fashion.

I was embarrassed that such a simple thought never even crossed my mind.

And not only that, but I became aware of a muddled feeling not unlike fog spreading through my chest.

(I had thought that I was the only one who would be able to see Victor as a butler.)

(I just didn't consider that I wasn't the only person to know this side of Victor.)

Victor has a lot of friends and acquaintances beyond just Crown, and I've never seen the face he wears in front of them.

For some reason, today, that obvious fact was like a dagger to my heart.

Kate: Victor, can I ask you for something?

(Is there a side of Victor that only I know...?)

(...Ah. That's right.)

Victor: Of course, my lady. Whatever you need, I am at your disposal.

Kate: This isn't something that happens every day, so I wanted to see you wearing a butler's uniform.

Victor: A butler's uniform?

Kate: Yeah... Have you ever worn one before?

Victor: No, never... And if this is what my one and only lady wishes of me, then I do not mind wearing one.

Kate: I'd love to see it!

And so, Victor went to go put on a butler's outfit.

(Maybe that was kind of heavy-handed of me, but I'm really excited.)

As I stood in the hallway waiting for Victor to be done changing, William approached.

William: Kate, have you seen Victor around?

Kate: He's in his room right now. Changing his clothes, to a butler's uniform.

Kate: Huh...?

William: A butler's uniform...? Ah right, he is our little robin's butler for the day, isn't he.

William: Sorry for this, but may I borrow your butler?

William: Her Majesty has summoned Victor for an emergency.

(Victor is my butler for the day... but the queen's orders take priority.)

Kate: Okay. It's Her Majesty's orders, after all.

William: ...You seem displeased.

I flushed, embarrassed at being seen through by William, who had let out a chuckle.

(Feeling lonely because Her Majesty has stolen Victor from me... I'm acting like such a spoiled brat.)

Just then, I spotted Victor, who had now finished changing, approaching.

But I knew that if I looked him in the eye, I would end up asking him not to leave, so I made sure to look away from him.

As I held back, William had walked over to meet Victor halfway, and the two of them began to speak.

It was most likely about the queen's summons.

Kate: ...Victor. Do you have a little time?

(Victor is going to leave.)

(But... if I could leave a little of myself in his heart...)

Propelled by a sense of possessiveness I didn't even realize I had, I called out to Victor.

Victor: ...William, can you go on ahead?

Seeing something in my expression or body language, Victor sent William off first.

Kate: Just a second, Victor.

I took one of my ribbons, and tied it around a lock of his hair.

As I told him my wish for him to keep me in his heart...

Kate: ...Today, you're not just the queen's aide, but also my butler.

Kate: Even if you're far away... please remember that.

Kate: ...This is my order, as your lady.

Victor took my hand and pressed a gentle kiss to it.

Kate: ...

Kate: I... I-

Victor: ...Of course. Today, I am your loyal butler.

Victor: And so would you tell me the reason for the fog that clouds your thoughts?

I didn't know whether to reveal the truth of what I wanted, but every second I dawdled was another second spent obstructing the queen's orders.

Gathering my resolve, I opened my mouth to speak.

Kate: ...I'm jealous of the queen, of how much time she has with you.

Kate: If I could... I want to order you to stay here.

(Every moment I spend with Victor is precious.)

(I wish we could be together forever... I've ended up thinking that way.)

Victor: ......

But the reality of the situation is, I'm in no position to make that demand. The queen's orders are absolute.

And so because I cannot always be by his side in reality, I wanted to make a place for myself in his heart.

I turned away from my thoughts, back towards Victor, who had fallen silent.

Kate: I'm sorry. I don't want to burden you, so just--

Hurriedly, I tried to pull my hand back, but Victor raised it to his lips once more.

Kate: ....!?

(Th-that... that wasn't just a kiss, was that his tongue!?)

Seeing my flustered expression, Victor cracked a teasing smile.

Victor's words were full of uncharacteristic seductiveness, and my heart began to pound loudly.

Victor: Just because I am your butler does not mean that you can let your guard down, my lady.

Victor: The more you say such sweet things, the more I wish to mark your body with my kisses...

Kate: ...I remember.

Victor: Do you remember what I told you earlier, when you had dressed up as a maid?

Victor: I said to make sure you only give your heart and your body to a partner you are happy to choose.

Victor: And so... may I think of myself as that partner, my lady?

Kate: You...

Kate: .....Yes. You may.

If I gave the wrong answer or if I evaded, I got the feeling that Victor would slip far away from me.

Determined to tell him the full, complete truth, I opened my mouth.

Victor: I see.

Victor let go of my hand.

(Oh....)

Victor: I'm sorry, I must go now. Until next time.

With that, he quickly walked away.

But Victor did not return before the end of the day.

(I... That was way too forward, wasn't it...!)

(When he comes back, I need to apologize for making things weird...)

...

(I wanted to wait for Victor, but at this rate I'll end up staying up the whole night... I should go to sleep now.)

Kate: Who's there...?

With that thought, I extinguished the lamp and got into bed.

Remembering all of Victor's smiles from the past day, I began to slip into slumber. And just then--

My bedroom door quietly swung open, and a scent that brought to mind a quiet deep night approached.

When I opened my eyes, there was a figure kneeling over me in bed.

Victor: ...It's me. Victor.

Kate: Oh, you're back from the palace...? It's late... you worked hard today...

I was on the cusp of nodding off, barely able to keep my eyes open as I welcomed Victor back.

Kate: And... why are you in my room?

Victor: ...Don't you know?

Kate: Is it about work...?

Victor: Hmm... Something a bit more personal than work.

Kate: Personal? Is there some kind of night banquet that you want to invite me to?

Victor: That sounds lovely, but no. The truth is...

Victor brought his lips to my ear.

Victor: ...I've come to steal your heart.

(Steal my heart?)

Kate: Hehe... There's no point.

Victor: Why not?

Kate: Because you already stole it a long time ago...

Kate: Why do you want my heart anyway, Victor?

I haven't been able to stop thinking about Victor after he left for the palace.

If that didn't mean that he had already stolen my heart, then what did?

(I'm pretty sure his eyes are more beautiful than my heart...)

Victor: Why, you ask?

Victor: Because it's so beautiful, I couldn't help but want it.

Victor: ...

His face was hovering above mine. In the darkness of the room, his eyes seemed to glimmer with light.

As I kept staring, those gorgeous eyes drew closer and closer... His long, beautiful hair fell across my face.

Kate: Haha, that tickles...

I felt the touch of something delicate across my neck, my shoulders.

When I realized that it was Victor's lips pressing across my skin, I felt no desire to push him away.

It made me think of all the times that Roger's corgi, Ale, would play with me. I giggled.

Victor: That's all? It just tickles?

(Huh...? Victor's voice sounds a little unhappy about something?)

As I was wondering what it could be about, Victor's lips moved from my shoulder to my ear.

Kate: ...Ah...

The heat of his tongue traced the shell of my ear. I trembled at the unfamiliar sensation.

Victor: Kate.

He whispered my name into my ear like he was trying to express a secret love that should never be.

With that strange joy held in my heart, my eyes slid shut, and I finally drifted off.

(He's looking only at me...)

(I don't know why, but that makes me really, really happy......)

...

William: ...I saw you paying a visit to Kate's room last night.

After finishing a discussion about work, William wasted no time in starting to gossip.

Victor: Are you accusing me of something?

William: Heh. Does it look that way?

Victor: No. You look like you're just having a laugh.

William: Not quite. I'm not poking fun, I am quite happy.

William: After all, were you not doing what your heart wanted?

William: And?

Victor: I'm sorry to disappoint you, but no.

Victor: I only went to her room to warn her not to give her heart away so freely. And...

Victor: Kate doesn't remember it at all. If she does, she probably thinks it was just a dream.

William: What a shame.

At William's words, a vague smile drifted to Victor's lips.

William: So why did you rig that game in the first place?

William: Surely you must have known there was no number 6 stick in the first place.

William: That's it? No other reason?

Victor: Nothing gets past you, Will.

Victor: Lately, Kate wasn't coping well with the missions she had joined. I just wanted to be able to do something for her.

----

Victor: ....No.

Victor: Even if I did have feelings for her... there is nothing I can offer her.

Victor: Because "Victor" belongs to "Victoria".

Notes: Victor's last sentence is written as "Because I belong to Her Majesty", but what he says out loud is what I have written down.

[bg3fan]

The devil you don't know 2

Part 1 / Part 3

Waking up next to your loved one is always something you'll cherish and be grateful for.

He's curled into himself while your arms slung around him, your nose buried in his neck, taking his natural scent which surprisingly always smells like sulfur and cherries. Making you wonder if he takes extra care of his scent for it to stay on him for this long

Tightening your arms around him to pull him closer to yourself even though he is much larger than you, you still like to be the one to hold him. Basking in his warmth, nuzzling him from behind while you tangle your legs with his.

With a sigh leaving your lips, you try to engrave this moment into your brain to never forget it, running your hands over his chest and belly, taking ever little curve and muscle into notice.

You close your eyes again as a sudden wave of sadness and guilt overtakes you. Have you done something to make him feel like he's a bad person?

He's always so respectful and polite. He often helps you around the house even if it's something as little as taking the trash out. Sometimes he'll also cock dinner for the two of you and bring a very expensive bottle of wine.

He also never arrives empty-handed to your home, always having a flower bouquet, a new book, or something that you've needed for a while.

Your lips slowly kiss down his neck to his shoulder, causing him to growl, to which you can only smile.

Raphael slowly turns on his back, stretching his limbs before putting them around your waist. "Good morning, little mouse." he greets you with his low morning voice.

"Morning," you reply before giving his cheek a kiss and resting your head on his chest.

Your hand comes up to comb through his bed hair, and he only hums to the feeling while his eyes remain closed.

"Raphael..." You whisper as if you're about to say something forbidden, "I've been thinking about yesterday"

The man finally opens his eyes, and you immediately see the sadness and hurt in his eyes to which you hurriedly sit up and put both your hands on his cheek. "Nothing bad, baby, it's just..."

His own hands grab your wrist while he leans into your hands, waiting for you to continue. "I just wish you could see how good of a person you are. You've been nothing but a blessing for me. So please, if there is anything I can do to make you see your value, then don't hesitate to tell me"

Raphaels lips are pressed in a thin line while sitting up as well, taking your hands off his face into his palm.

"You don't understand..." it's clear to you that he has trouble to voice his thoughts, but you don't want to pressure him.

In your mind, he's just like a cat. Don't make any sudden moves, or you'll scare them away forever. That's why you only squeeze his hands while staying quiet.

"I've been lying to you this whole time," he confesses. "I thought if I hid it from you, perhaps I could be truly happy," he avoids your gaze and takes deep breaths before continuing, "but I'm too scared to tell you, you'll leave me and I'll be alone again, raging about my damn father"

Gulping you think of the best way to react to such a confession, however, Raphael is quick to keep talking. "My whole life, I've been thinking of ways to overthrow my father, and soon my chance will come. The only thing I need to do is to wait now,"

"But isn't that good?" You ask him quietly so as not to scare him off, "I'll have to show you my true self then, little mouse... and if you don't accept me, I don't know what I'll do... I don't want to be alone..."

Your heart breaks at the sight of his teary eyes and how his voice keeps breaking down. You can't help but pull him into your shoulder, petting his back while he fists your shirt.

"No matter what happens or what you've done that you're hiding from me, I'll never leave you. You're the only one for me, Raphael."

I really want to turn this into a fluff / angst fic now 🫠🫠 because I'm having a lot of fun writing this

[kth1]

hey all! (long text post ahead)

it's been a hot minute (again) but i'm here to say that i apologize for not being consistent for long over a year now. i hope the holidays brought you all joy in some way shape or form. i hope the new year brings peace and positivity toward you all. thank you to all the people who continue using my track tag (because i've missed out on so much, you tagging me allows me to have a quicker catch-up rate) and thank you all who keeps this community on tumblr still active! since i know i haven't been one of them for a bit now. it's been a long time since i've touched photoshop for this blog but life is life. i'm still figuring it out myself and i don't have all the time as i used to to be on my computer and making things. however, 2025 is bts year! so hopefully i can get back into the swing of things and get excited for the boys coming together again. if not, i know so many others will be excited no doubt!

this blog is still something i cherish and happy to have, but i know my era of being a full blown stan has passed me. i still very much support bts and look forward to their future projects but i know the creating gifs and fics and whichever else has been something that's left my hobby-list. i do enjoy the idea of them all, i just lack any and all motivation for the way i used to hustle on here haha (understandably so).

i still plan on being here! i love this little space. even though i feel very disconnected from any others compared to how it used to be for me - but that is ok! every person here grows. everything boils down to the support of bts and that's the main common interest with everyone.

i do want to thank anyone and everyone who has tagged me things in the past, i'm sure i've seen the notification but if i never reacted to it i apologize. i appreciate the thought of including me regardless and it means a lot to me! to those who i've lost contact with, i hope you are doing well. to those who i never really chatted with or got close to, the same goes to you! i wish everyone healthy and happy times. you all deserve it, honestly. <3

for me, who knows what'll happen. i'm just here and there for now. holidays have been good to say the least, the new years always makes me sad (same feeling whenever it's my birthday), and i'm still being active with work, gym, videogames, and volleyball! i'm just a gal figuring out life and i'll forever be figuring it out :)

best wishes to everyone, truly. and this is also a text i'm sending out to say "hi!" to everyone :D hope you all have a great day!

[edensrose]

˚◞❀˳ a proper farewell

god that title sounds dramatic as fuck so let me just clear things up immediately: no, I'm not leaving tumblr, I will still be very manageable to reach and interact. what I am drifting away from is the tolkien fandom — and since this place, despite my hardships, has meant so much to me - I decided to give it a proper little farewell, to the people who made everything count. along with a little explanation for my decision while shedding light on my experience. ( I'll try to be brief )

I joined the tolkien fandom while writing for thranduil, it's here I gained my following in the fanbase and things went quite smoothly. however, upon beginning to write for mairon, then melkor and then later the ainur — I saw an increase in hate anons. something I have experienced before, natural of a multi fandom blog, but never to this degree. initially I assumed it was because I was simply growing larger as a blog, and perhaps that is the reason — but from what I noticed, I was battling with a bunch of chronically online people who simply could not handle my love for. . . "problematic characters"

I never understood it, really. I never saw other ainur blogs getting the hate I did - I guess I'll truly never know. had I done something? was my writing just not good enough? were my vibes off? over the time I've been called things like two faced, fake, a romanticiser of abuse, lazy for not filing out requests, been told I shouldn't write reader inserts, told to kms and other graphic incidents ( such as people sending death threats and actual gore to my inbox ). this branched from burner accounts to anons, and I could just never understand why me. a quick gander at the #clownon tag and you'll find some of the instances in which I've been harassed.

I genuinely thought my writing was the issue.

which demotivated me from writing for quite some time. could I have turned anon off? sure, but that would have meant that the anons I'd frequently interact with would most likely not come around anymore. it meant a decline in requests, it meant just a crippling factor to my blog in general, so I chose to ignore. but it got hard to eventually. I was bullied for liking a god with big wings just because for crying out loud.

I've tried to fake being okay. fake being strong and unwavering about the hate, but I just couldn't anymore. and that's okay.

it wasn't all tears and hardships though. I have made very good friends through the tolkien fandom, many of which I consider close. from @bluezenzennie to @kiatheinsomniac — @a-contemplation-upon-flowers , @cilil , @someoneinthestars and so so many more. it'd take me forever to tag and honestly my heart is squeezing so much listing these few down already. they made fandom fun, whether it was our silly little play fights or collabs or you name it. those of you that have spent time to tell me about your day on anon or send in the nicest of things. I haven't forgotten them, and I cherish them, but it's time for me to go

am I sad? fucking of course. a part of me found so much comfort here and in these characters. I've spent hours on end developing lore for aus or designing aesthetics for writing — just writing and pumping out content or blogs, everything and anything I could do. and while I don't regret those times - the way I've been treated in response hurts. which is why I've made this decision.

I'm growing as a person too. I'm writing a book now, I've got an oc blog to promote that book that I'm working hard on ( @valentine-cafe ) , things are looking good. does this mean I'm just gonna disappear? of course not. I plan on staying around, getting back into request writing ( for other fandoms ) and still interacting and supporting my tolkien moots and friends. will I be writing or creating content for tolkien? probably not. at least not in the foreseeable future. the characters I once loved and cherished have now been ruined for me. I've been made to feel embarrassed for loving manwe and namo to the degree that I have, and I don't see myself being able to write for ainur without thinking of all the shit I've gotten for doing so.

regardless, I'll be here still. and while I might not be your local valarfucker anymore, I hope to be your rose still 🩷 thank you so much for two and a half years, I love you all dearly

[kenny-the-ken]

Upstairs, Downstairs

This was based on an anon request! Thank you so much!! Aged up! Kenny is 18, reader is 18! Sexual themes, strong language!

The Kingdom worshiped their princess, and anyone who was lucky enough to work in her palace would receive the upmost respect from her fellow subjects.

You had just been lucky enough to be Princess Kenny's lady in waiting, you would be her personal assistant, one of the highest honours to be places on a female servant, especially since you were so young.

Princess Kenny had asked for you specifically, and you were starstuck that your Princess wanted you to dote on her.

It was your first day, you had just ran the Princess her bath, and had prepared tea and coffee for her awakening. You let yourself into her bedroom, opening the curtains and turning to look at her beautiful eyes begin to flicker open and shut. "Princess, we have a clear schedule for today, may I suggest a walk through the beautiful gardens as the weather is perfect this morning." You spoke, your head bowed. "I have also drawn the Princess a bath, if you wish help to undress?" You asked, a small blush painting your cheeks. This was your job, you weren't supposed to be flustered, but you couldn't help it, she truly was beautiful.

"I'll gladly accept any help you're offering, y/n." She said, rising from her silk sheets, as she stood before you.

You quickly got to work, taking her golden hair out of the two plaits they were in, you began to unbutton the back of her nightgown before he stopped you, turning to take your hands within hers, which were surprisingly a bit bigger than yours. She was taller than you were expecting and she spoke softly.

"I have something that I must confess to you at once!" She spoke with haste, a blush slowly appearing.

"You see, I am a Princess, well, more of a Prince actually. My father thought that during the time of our cities being at war, that a female force would be have a stronger advantage. Females are more sought after by other men, and it gives them great pleasure to protect a damsel in distress." She continued, your eyes wide. "But you see, the war has ended, Winter has been and gone, and as I am now of age, I seek to marry, not a man, but a fair maiden, why do you think I picked you specially?" The Princess spoke, her nightgown dropping to the floor, her skin pale in the sunlight that was pouring through the open window, seeing her completely flat chest and toned stomach told you she was telling you the truth, and to you, she still looked as ethereal as ever.

"My true name, is Prince Kenny McCormick." He said, pulling the blonde wig from atop his head and smiling at you softly, taking your hands in his once more.

"Do you like what you see, Miss y/n?" The Prince teased, a small smirk playing on his lips as he brought you closer to him, the gap between you both just mere inches, you could feel his hot breath on your cold skin.

"Of course I like what I see, Prince." You replied, a gentle blush dusting across your cheeks as he bowed, taking your hand and kissing the back of it.

"I chose you for your beauty, I had also heard great things about your intelligence, I believe that together this Kingdom could flourish. You would be the Princess, I would be the Prince, and one day we shall rule this land together, as King and Queen, if you'll only take my hand for eternity and allow me to make you mine?" Kenny asked, his words not faltering once, he was cocky, handsome and everything a girl could dream of, and he knew it. You simply nodded your head, a small smile on your face and he slowly embraced you, your head pressed flush with his chest, you could hear his heart beat, you couldn't believe that this would be your life forever.

"We must keep you protected, we still have enemies out there, I promise I will do whatever it takes to make sure that you are protected, I promise to cherish you everyday as if it is our last." Kenny's words made your heart skip a beat, going from a poor peasant to a Princess was an unimaginable thought, something that would only happen in a fairytale, and this was yours.

"You must keep your hands to yourself till our wedding night, Prince." You replied, his hand tracing your jaw, before tilting your face up to look at his, his hand now under your chin, his thumb tracing your lips.

"What they don't know won't hurt them, Princess." He cooed, before placing a soft yet passionate kiss upon your untouched lips, you had never been kissed in this way before, being told that it was sinful, something that must only be for husband and wife, you felt like you should be guilty, but Kenny's arm wrapped around your waist, his hand squeezing your ass, his lips moving in sync with yours as he nipped at your bottom lip and began exploring your mouth with his tongue made you completely forget about what a sin was, for your mind was flooded with nothing but him, his soft skin and calloused hands, his lips and his breath that was tainted by nicotine as you two became each others worlds.

Pausing to take a breath that you didn't know you needed you both panted, faces flushed and enough sexual tension that a knife could cut through it, he whispered in your ear,

"You said you had drawn me a bath, so why waste water bathing alone when you can join me?" You felt dizzy, and you swore this was nothing but a perverted dream, but it wasn't, this was real, and as he lead you to the bathroom, you couldn't believe that this was your life, a Princess!! Princess y/n!!!

Hey guys, I'm so so sorry that this took me so long to do, I'm really not happy with it so I will definitely write another Princess Kenny fic in the near future. My toddler was crazy today, so my mind wasn't in the correct place, but I wanted to at least get something out for you all to enjoy!! Have a nice night guys!!

[beacarrot]

made in 2007.

I wrote a piece, almost a critique,

In tribute to myself,

Since no one ever did it before,

The homage I was never ready to tell,

And this time, I don't regret anymore,

Neither sleepless nights,

Nor mornings I was high,

Promises made in heated thrill,

But never fulfilled,

So, I chose to act my age today,

I drove with my hand near my heart, on display,

Less fragile, weak, reckless for say about love like before,

And face all the truth I ignored.

Since my debut days, I’ve been out of my own sight,

The world was shocked,

When I began to bleed as I fight,

God has His way to show me it worked out right,

Still, there was a look in my eye as I prayed,

For life to be kind, for dreams to stay.

I was just a child chasing prophecy's thread,

Not sure if it ever truly led,

I never knew I could feel that much...

But I was made in 2007 as such.

I don’t know how long I’ll last,

Which morning I’ll wake and regret the past,

Every demon I fed, that brought me down fast,

With greed,

With precision, with fury, a seed

Of reasons without remorse,

No sense of the "moment," just driving off course,

Fueled by feelings, tribal and wild,

A sinking boat I swore was my Titanic, oh, shit, I was beguiled,

Powers I gave my ghosts so freely,

Only to lose my mind, pointing blame for everyone who was around me vaguely,

My hopes never the same,

Will death wait for my last cigarette's flame?

Will it show how my vices claim their price,

Expensive, not nice?

Will she have mercy?

Heal wounds untended,

Unloved love, time poorly expended,

Fixing a life that was unlived?

I don’t know how long I’ll live,

When I won’t wake, and they’ll forgive,

Every slip I made,

What prayers will be on my grave displayed?

A nameless soul, forgotten and slight,

Someone they wonder if was ever in sight,

A legend lost in a blink,

Born in 2007, but now on the brink.

Sometimes it feels like you're always misplaced,

And only they fit, like a perfect embrace,

But not you,

As if those you love make you unworthy and less whole,

But rainbow sparks still ignite your soul,

I hope you never forget your worth,

Even if your body feels wrong from birth,

And you cut yourself within so no one sees,

But you deserve a perfect life, with ever rigth,

You're bold,

And that’s something I behold,

Unique,

Deserving of the world’s glow,

Though the world might not deserves you back that well,

I hope you still hold onto the dream,

For a better world, a brighter gleam,

Taking risks could be the perfect door, the key,

The right words live inside you and me,

One day they'll watch in awe,

Mouths open, struck by what they'll see,

I'll know my bets were right,

Because me and maybe someone were made to fight,

Made in 2007, since there we stood bright.

I wished to freeze a decade in time,

Cherish my mother's hug, warm and prime,

Honor the personality that defines me,

Wish cancer never claimed so many,

That my theories on favorite songs were true,

That high school never bid adieu.

I wish I still believed in pretty lies,

That on some corner my favorite singer would rise,

And plant me a kiss under the skies,

I wish I remembered silly talks,

I wish my parents could knew "forever",

That friends never left town, or crossed seas,

That youth was an eternal diamond breeze,

I wish my paintings were seen,

My stories told and kept pristine,

I wish MY story was shared wide,

That oceans would carry me to where my heart longs,

I wish for so many things that I can’t even know,

And every thought’s a wish that continues to grow,

But one thing is true,

I began with a spark in 2007, anew.

I spent too long thinking he was all gray,

But it was just smoke and mirrors in my the way,

I was the gray,

Like the cigarette, my silent friend,

Lethal and sharp, a means to no end,

I thought the world was cold,

Drained of its color, some old story untold,

But I had a golden side that would show,

Though rarely, it never failed to glow,

I feel something pulling me near,

And I can’t fight it, though unclear,

Time that I left behind in disdain,

Freedom carries me like rain,

This life is dear,

A virtue beyond compare,

Not an illusion,

The world around has already been corrupted,

Decayed,

It’s cold in summer, and lessons fade,

But no one learns from your mistakes,

Except you, with every risk you take,

The past is a time machine,

The present, a luxury unseen,

And I know…

When you're ready, bury your sorrow,

Everyone loves your life, but you,

This is the time to see your achievements too,

I want you to see them, as I now do,

This is your place, and our time to rise,

And I end this note with clear skies...

Remembering I was made in 2007.

(I was born in 2007, and in this track I think I make this clear, it's the fifth poem I post, and five really a special number for me. I think I wanted to express the most positive points of my experiences from my first years of life, and even the not so pleasant experiences at some point in life when we look back it seems less impactful than it was at the time. It's about me, you, victories, values, reflections, comings and goings, pride and complexities. Anyway, I feel this track as an importanet part in me.)

Signed: Beatriz Ranzonni.🩵

[dc-and-arfrona]

Losing You - Headcannons - Batboys

BatBoys! x GN!Reader

Type: Fluff

Word Count: 1.2k+

Masterlist

Summary:How do they deal after losing you?

—

Bruce Wayne / Batman - 

Bruce’s POV

Gotham City was still and somber, mirroring the shadows that draped over my heart. The night's silence amplified the cacophony of emotions that threatened to consume me. They had left – the one person who had dared to venture beyond the cape and cowl, penetrating the fortress I had built around my true self. [Y/N], whose presence illuminated even the darkest corners of my soul.

Memories of our shared moments danced before my eyes as I brooded in the dimly lit Batcave. How we met at a charity gala, where I found solace in their laughter amidst the superficial conversations. The way their eyes sparkled when I revealed my true self as Bruce Wayne, not the vigilante they called Batman. How we fought side by side against the criminals, not only as allies but as kindred spirits.

But darkness can never fully coexist with light. The battles I faced as Batman scarred my soul, and I couldn't ignore the toll it took on our relationship. I saw the worry etched in their eyes, the fear that I might never come back one night. They deserved a life unburdened by my relentless crusade.

Now, in the aftermath of our break-up, I find myself lost in a maze of emotions, grappling with the void they left behind. It's not just the love I miss but also the human connection, the sense of belonging they granted me. Gotham's protector could never afford such luxuries – I had a city to save, a legacy to protect.

[Y/N]’s absence gnaws at me, a constant reminder of the fragile balance between Bruce Wayne and Batman. I wander the empty halls of Wayne Manor, haunted by the memories of our laughter, our secrets, and our stolen moments of happiness. Every shadow whispers their name, a painful reminder of what I let slip through my fingers.

I still cherish the letter they left, the words etched onto paper with grace and understanding. They wished for me to find peace and to heal the wounds that I had ignored for far too long. But could I ever mend my fractured heart without them by my side? Could I be Bruce Wayne without the [Y/N]’s light to guide me?

As the nights pass, I continue to patrol the city's grim streets, relentlessly pursuing justice. But there's a hollowness to it all, an emptiness that echoes within the confines of the Batcave. My silent ally, confidant, and lover has vanished, leaving me to grapple with my emotions in solitude.

In the stillness of the night, I yearn for their presence, their touch, their warmth. And yet, I understand their decision. They deserve a life filled with light, love, and unencumbered joy – a life that my alter ego, Batman, can never truly provide.

I take a deep breath, resigning myself to the painful truth that love doesn't always conquer all. [Y/N] has become a beacon of hope not only for the people of Gotham but for me as well. They showed me that love could bloom amidst darkness, but it also has the strength to walk away when necessary.

So, I will keep [Y/N]'s memory alive in my heart as I carry on the never-ending fight against crime. Maybe one day, the shadows will lift, and I will find a way to honor their sacrifice by finding my own peace within the storm. Until then, I'll remain the Dark Knight, haunted by the absence of [Y/N], forever chasing after elusive happiness.

------

Dick Grayson / Nightwing - 

Dick’s POV

The nights in Blüdhaven were always alive with a chaotic energy that mirrored my own restless soul. As Nightwing, I soared through the city, the rhythmic flapping of my cape the only constant in a world full of uncertainty. But tonight, something felt different, as if the very essence of my being was shifting.

I couldn't shake the memory of their face – that special someone whose enchanting presence had woven its way into every corner of my heart. We had shared laughter, secrets, and stolen glances that spoke volumes in the silence of the night. They were my confidant, my partner, and my inspiration, illuminating my path even in the darkest moments.

But like an ethereal mist, they had slipped through my fingers. We had parted ways, the painful decision to let them go still etched into my soul. I couldn't bear to see them caught in the crossfire of my dangerous life as Nightwing. They deserved a chance at a life free from the perils of my world.

Now, as I leaped from rooftop to rooftop, my mind was a whirlwind of emotions. Their absence left a void that I couldn't fill, no matter how fast or far I ran. The laughter that used to echo in my ears was now replaced with the haunting silence of regret.

In the cover of night, I found myself at our favorite spot – the old clock tower where we had shared countless memories. Its towering presence seemed to echo the towering weight of my heart. I gazed out into the city, the twinkling lights mirroring the stars in the sky, and I couldn't help but wonder if they were looking at the same stars too.

Every crime I thwarted, every life I saved, it all felt hollow without them by my side. They had brought warmth to my nights, and now, their absence left me with nothing but aching loneliness. It was as if a part of me was missing, and I feared I would never feel whole again.

As I stood there, engulfed by my thoughts, a soft breeze brushed against my cheek, and I closed my eyes. And in that moment, it was as if I could feel them beside me – their presence lingering in the very air I breathed. The memories flooded back, and I realized that no matter how far apart we were, they would forever be a part of me.

They had taught me the beauty of vulnerability, of letting someone in even when it meant exposing my deepest fears. And as Nightwing, I had to be brave, but it was in their arms that I found solace, knowing that it was okay to be human, to feel pain, and to love.

With resolve in my heart, I knew what I had to do. I had to find them, to tell them that they were my anchor in the storm, that they were the light in my darkest nights. Even if we couldn't be together in the same way, I wanted them to know that they had forever changed me, that they were my north star guiding me through life's chaos.

As the city below continued to buzz with life, I took flight once more, my heart now infused with hope. I would find them, and together, we would navigate the uncertainties of life. For in their eyes, I had found a love that transcended the boundaries of time and distance – a love that whispered of forever in the depths of my soul.

----

Jason Todd / Red Hood - 

Jason’s POV

The weight of the Red Hood's choices bore down on him heavily, leaving scars both visible and unseen. Gotham's nights were filled with darkness, but within Jason Todd's heart, the darkness was unyielding. As he patrolled the city's shadows, he couldn't escape the memories that haunted him, memories that connected him to the one person he thought he had lost forever – the one who held a special place in his heart.

They had once been his guiding light, the one soul who could see through the jagged edges of the Red Hood's armor and into the wounded heart of Jason Todd. But circumstances had pulled them apart, leaving him adrift in a sea of turmoil.

On this particular night, the weight became too much to bear. Seeking solace and understanding, Jason found himself at Roy Harper's doorstep. Roy, a friend and fellow vigilante, had always been a source of comfort, someone who understood the struggle between darkness and redemption.

Roy welcomed Jason with a knowing nod, and they settled in a dimly lit corner of his apartment. The air was heavy with unspoken words as they exchanged glances filled with shared history.

"I've been carrying so much pain, Roy," Jason finally broke the silence, his voice tinged with vulnerability. "I miss them, you know? The one who meant so much to me. I miss who I was when they were with me."

Roy listened attentively, his eyes reflecting compassion. "I know, man. Sometimes the pain can feel unbearable, but that doesn't mean you have to carry it alone."

Jason took a deep breath, struggling to find the words to convey the torment in his heart. "Being the Red Hood is all I know now. It's like there's this void inside me, and I thought I could fill it with vengeance. But it's just made everything worse."

Roy placed a hand on Jason's shoulder, offering silent support. "You're not beyond redemption, Jason. None of us are. The path you're on might be dark, but you still have a choice. You can choose to heal, to find a different way."

Tears welled up in Jason's eyes, and for a moment, he allowed himself to be vulnerable in the presence of a friend who understood. "I want to be whole again, Roy, but I don't know where to start."

Roy smiled softly, recognizing the flicker of hope in Jason's admission. "You start by forgiving yourself, by accepting that mistakes are a part of being human. And then, you take one step at a time. Reach out to those who care about you, let them in. It won't be easy, but healing rarely is."

Jason nodded, the weight on his shoulders feeling a little lighter as he released some of the pain he had been carrying. "I'll try, Roy. I'll try to find my way back."

"You don't have to do it alone, brother," Roy reassured him. "I'll be here for you, and so will others who care about you. We all stumble, but it's how we pick ourselves up that defines us."

As the night wore on, Jason and Roy shared stories of the past, of battles won and lost, but most importantly, of hope. In the quiet moments between their words, Jason felt a glimmer of healing, knowing that he wasn't alone in his journey toward redemption.

And in the depths of his heart, he realized that the one who held a special place in his heart had never truly left him. They had left an indelible mark on his soul, one that reminded him that love and hope could still bloom amidst the darkness. With Roy's guidance, Jason understood that there was a chance for healing, for a second chance at life – a chance he was determined to seize, one step at a time.

------

Tim Drake / Red Robin -

Tim’s POV

The city lights shimmered below as I stood on the rooftop, my cape fluttering in the cool night breeze. Restlessness gripped me tonight, and memories of [Y/N], the one who had once held my heart, haunted my thoughts. As Red Robin, I dedicated myself to fighting crime, but this evening, I needed something more – a way to find peace amidst the chaos.

An idea struck me, and I decided to revisit the places where we had shared some of our most cherished moments. Each location held memories of laughter, intimacy, and genuine connection. I hoped that revisiting those places would help mend the pieces of my heart that felt fractured.

The first stop was the cozy café where we had shared our first cup of coffee together. Sitting at our old table, I sipped my coffee, reminiscing about how we had spent hours talking, sharing our dreams and fears. The warmth of the café and the memories it held brought both comfort and a pang of longing. It reminded me of a time when everything felt so much simpler.

Next, I strolled through the park where we often sought refuge. The trees had grown taller, but the bench we used to occupy remained, untouched by time. Sitting there, I gazed at the stars overhead, recalling the nights we spent stargazing together, finding constellations in the vast night sky. It felt like those moments were just yesterday.

The nearby arcade was my next destination. Surrendering to playful nostalgia, I immersed myself in the flashing lights and sounds of the games. Memories flooded back of the times we playfully challenged each other, laughter echoing in our ears as we vied for high scores.

My final stop was a quaint bookstore where we had lost ourselves in countless stories. I picked up a book they had recommended, feeling a connection to them through the words on the pages.

With each place I revisited, a sense of peace settled over me. These memories weren't just reminders of what was lost, but a testament to the love we once shared. Amidst the bustling city, I found moments of stillness, a chance to remember who I was before the pain and burdens of my vigilante life consumed me.

As I walked through the dimly lit streets, I realized that while I couldn't change the past, I could honor the memories we created together. Instead of dwelling on what had slipped away, I chose to cherish what we once had and find a way to carry that love with me into the future.

Revisiting those old date places allowed me to find peace – not by forgetting or letting go, but by acknowledging the significance of what we meant to each other. As Red Robin, I would continue to protect the city, but now, I knew that amid the chaos, there would always be a place where I could find a moment of tranquility – a place where our love still lingered.

------

Damian Wayne / Robin -

Damian’s POV

The weight of our recent breakup hung heavy on my shoulders as I sought refuge in the quiet solitude of my room. The emptiness seemed almost suffocating, a reminder of the void you had left in my life. I tried to distract myself with training and missions, but no matter how fast I moved or how fiercely I fought, I couldn't escape the pain in my heart.

It was then that I noticed Ace, my loyal Great Dane, gazing at me with his big, understanding eyes. He had been a constant companion throughout my life, a loyal friend who never judged me and offered comfort in his own special way. I had never thought to seek solace in him, but at that moment, the idea seemed like the only respite from the anguish.

With a heavy sigh, I plopped down onto my bed, and without any prompting, Ace hopped up beside me, nudging my hand gently with his snout. The warmth of his presence offered a sense of comfort that I hadn't realized I needed.

I buried my face into Ace's fur, taking in his familiar scent, and wrapped my arms around him. His steady heartbeat echoed in my ears, and for the first time since our breakup, I felt a flicker of tranquility. Ace didn't judge me or offer advice – he simply offered the warmth of his body and the steadiness of his presence.

It was as if he knew the turmoil in my heart and understood that sometimes words weren't enough. As I held him close, my mind drifted back to the moments you and I had spent together, the laughter, the shared secrets, and the happiness that seemed so distant now.

In the past, I might have scorned the idea of finding comfort in a pet, but with Ace by my side, I realized that his loyalty was just as valuable as any human connection. He didn't expect me to be anything other than myself, and his affection was unconditional.

As I lay there, wrapped in the warmth of Ace's embrace, I found myself slowly finding peace. The pain didn't vanish entirely, but it felt less suffocating, as if I had a friend who understood my grief and was willing to bear it with me.

Ace and I stayed like that for what seemed like hours, finding solace in each other's company. I couldn't help but feel grateful for his presence, a gentle reminder that even in the midst of heartache, there was love and comfort to be found in unexpected places.

As the night wore on, I drifted off to sleep with Ace by my side, his warmth and loyalty providing a balm to my wounded heart. In the embrace of my furry friend, I found a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, with time, the pain would ease, and life would regain some semblance of normalcy. Until then, I knew that I could count on Ace to be there, offering his unwavering comfort and companionship.

[nian-7]

HI NIANNNNN I got your matchup and I am very excited to write it!!!!! I am here to submit mine as well <:3 no rush at all ok !!! Take your time or else (said lovingly)

Cancer sun / ISFP !!! Generally I'm an outgoing and talkative person and I've got lots of energy, I'm not shy at all and I enjoy talking to people !! I'm super emotional and sensitive and I either tear up or full on cry over something silly once a day SDFGSDFGFSD….. I have a really hard time opening up to people though </3 you will not perceive me

I'm a huge worrier T_T I try to make sure everyone around me has eaten and is taking care of themselves properly and I suppose I do have strong motherly instincts. I just like taking care of people!!! Especially buying gifts or getting them treats <:)

I have 2 college degrees and I work in the medical field so I like to think I am smart….. I'm kinda airheaded though I'll be real and things tend to fly over my head. I run into walls in my own house :( I'm like if a smart person was also very dumb. You see my vision…… I'm also easily embarrassed and own mom told me I'm easy to bully and pick on . Mean to me

In terms of hobbies ofc I enjoy writing but I like to cook and bake also. I've been really into nail art recently and buying candles because I'm 21 going on 60 I guess @#$#@%@$%@@$# ANYWAYS to be honest I mostly just work all day, go home, and do nothing productive the rest of the day DFGFDGFS I just chill……

If I could pick some traits in a partner….. someone who can handle my emotions LOL I like reassurance . . . I'm also very affectionate so it would be nice to receive some back !! I'm not super picky though like number one rule to dating me: please like me. This is all. Smiles

SORRY THIS WENT ON FOREVER I appreciate you so much!!!!!!!! Like I said take your time ok!!! Spins you around HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND NIAN

HI!! i literally had a list of options and then i said ykw no and then this is what happened. I HOPE YOU ENJOY!! i gave you the runners up as well under the matchup too!!

I match you with...

Hokusai Masaki!

-Hokusai just seems like he'd mesh really well with you. He's not the emotional or energetic type but! He likes those types of people seeing as how much he cares about Satsuki and Reo!

-The fact that he wouldn't judge you for being emotional over silly things is just something perfect honestly. He's always there for you to say the least! No matter what it is!

-He's a very patient person so if you don't open up to him right away in your relationship, he truly doesn't mind. He wants you to take your time and be comfortable with him rather than rushing you into telling him things.

-He cherishes any gifts or treats you may give him and feels very comforted by your motherly personality. Even though you may worry about him and his safety a lot, it makes him feel loved.

-Hokusai is a gentle giant of course. He doesn't blame you for your airheadedness or your clumsiness at all and just finds himself smiling whenever you are a bit airheaded...

-Being easy to pick on or bully is not a problem anymore when you're around him though! As someone who doesn't take lightly to bullying, I don't think you'll have to worry much about it.

-Ohh.. I can so see Hokusai letting you do his nails though. That'd be so cute honestly!!

-In terms of what you were looking for in a partner, Hokusai checks the boxes honestly. He can handle your emotions and reassure you without seeming annoyed because just the tone of his voice is so genuine...

-He doesn't mind physical affection either though! It might be very small little things like a hug or a kiss to your temple because he's not a physically affectionate person but he still tries to be to make you happy!

Runner Up No. 1...

Zen Gaho!

-So he's the first runner up cause I actually was going to match you with Zen and then I thought about it and went with Hokusai instead. He'd be a great partner for you too but!! I just felt like Hokusai and you would be a better match than you and Zen if you get me.

Runner Up No. 2...

Yuto Inukai!

-Main reason he didn't last till the 'finals' so to speak was cause of his age.. and Hancho. I didn't know if he was like too old BUT I KNOW YOU LIKE HIM SO I FEEL BAD...

-And then Hancho... it's Hancho I don't think I have to explain that as much because you probably see my vision here...

Runner Up No. 3...

Anne Faulkner!

-Okay so the main reason I decided to scrap Anne was because although I feel like you both would get along really well, I felt like it'd be more of a friend-like relationship rather than romantic if that makes sense???

-They were a good option and all but I just was like hmmm.. Hokusai fits better as a romantic match because Anne is more of a friend-like relationship.

a/n: don't rush my matchup, robyn!! take as long as you need i know i did yours really fast.. BUT TAKE YOUR TIME DW!!

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

the fact that gojo genuinely wanted to teach him about love…… that he wanted to reach out to him and save him from his isolation.

YES!! the whole "i will remember you.." HAS ME FUCKED UP like. there's a few ways it could be interpreted but it gives me the same feeling as when you 'love' someone so much, you honour or cherish the memory of them forever.. AHHHHHH I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

thank you ari for the link <33 when i read the chapter I will be back to let you know my thoughts and feelings :3 I have so many photos in my camera roll of just me sobbing after jjk so :3 definitely scared :3 With 252.. you're very right it's really sad that it's actually quite far from how detailed Gege likes his fights to be. Art style and breaks are on two different spectrums. Complaining about him taking breaks is the biggest NO from me. like PLEASE let Gege release a chapter a month. Every single week is WAY too much for a mangaka - there's only so much a person can do within 6 days :// From a pure quality and marketing standpoint it'll allow him to : process his OWN thoughts, more detailed drawings and (longer) chapters, perhaps even formulate a proper plan for the manga, and the hype will be bigger as well. Especially right now where it is getting criticism and being called repetitive - there is less hype because everyone knows they'll get answers in the next week. But most importantly REST. he is not a machine and you are very right about that!!

something to look forward to :3 (tbf i was especially into it bc i love takaba and kenny lmao but i still think you’ll find it fun!! you can tell akutami was having a blast)

also!! i just thought I'd let you know.. i never really got kenny (kenny is so messed up and i dislike(d) them) but you're the blog that made me understand the lore!! and I even started reading some kenny fics.. Anyways, i think that's enough for today and I'll shut up now haha!! <33

OHHHHH ANON WE’RE HOLDING HANDS OUR BRAINS ARE SMOOCHING

i agree completely 🫂 when i saw that line i kept thinking of sukuna like. centuries into the future…. in a completely different world ….. STILL remembering gojo and no one else. it’s such a wonderful fucking line not only because sukuna looks so sincerely pleased saying it but because it’s proof that gojo DID reach him!!!! gojo wanted to prevent sukuna from feeling alone and he succeeded because sukuna will never truly be alone as long as he’s carrying gojo’s memory with him. they make me insane

PLS DO SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE CHAPTER ONCE YOU READ IT …. i’d love love love to hear!!!! :3 take your time though… get your tissues ready……. aaa and !!! 100% agree on the monthly chapters. that should just be a standard atp but sadly it isn’t…. :ccc i rlly do think gege deserves one long longgggg break to rest up properly.

also!! i just thought I'd let you know.. i never really got kenny (kenny is so messed up and i dislike(d) them) but you're the blog that made me understand the lore!! and I even started reading some kenny fics..

ALSO THIS !!!!!!!! ANON…….. T_T this made me so happy you have NO idea. i’m so glad i could turn you around on him!!! he’s such a silly, interesting, fun little guy :’3 (very fucked up too but that’s just another charm point imo) and aaa the kenny fics !! the world needs sm more of those … i’m working on a no curses au fic for him but i have no idea when it’s getting out …… </3 hopefully soon!!!! anyway pdhdjdj i’m just so happy that you’re a kenny enjoyer now!! welcome to the cult club !!!! 🫂🫂

[call-ie-if-you-get-lost]

21 for the first time

baby, reading your words just brought so much warmth to my heart. i honestly can't even find the right words to express how much this means to me. i feel like i've been on the most beautiful journey these past few weeks, and i owe so much of that to you. to think it's only been a month feels unbelievable because it truly feels like we've known each other forever. the connection we share is so special and so unique, and i feel incredibly blessed to have you in my life.

from the very first moment we met, i knew there was something extraordinary about you, something that set you apart from everyone else. and as we've gotten to know each other more and more, that feeling has only deepened. your kindness, your warmth, your laughter, everything about you lights up my world in ways i never thought possible. every time i'm with you, i feel like i'm exactly where i'm meant to be. i want to take a moment to truly thank you for everything you've brought into my life, for choosing to be with me, and for making me feel loved and cherished every single day.

you've given me so much more than just love, you've given me a sense of peace, joy, and happiness that i didn't even know i needed. you've shown me the importance of appreciating life's little moments, and with you by my side, i've learned to see beauty in things i never would have before. thank you for your patience, for being so understanding, and for your unwavering support through everything. i know i can always count on you, and knowing that gives me so much comfort and peace of mind. you've been my rock in ways i can't even describe, and i'm so incredibly grateful for your presence in my life.

i want to thank you for being you, for being so loving, so compassionate, and so incredibly strong. your heart is truly one of a kind, and i feel lucky every day that i get to experience the love you give. it's not just in the big moments, but in the little things you do, that i see how much you care. whether it's the way you listen when i need to talk, or how you make me laugh even when i'm feeling down, you have this incredible ability to make everything better. i can't even explain how much that means to me.

as we reflect on this past month, i just want to express my deep appreciation for everything we've shared so far. it hasn't been perfect, and we've had our moments, but it's in those challenges that i've seen how strong and real our bond is. each obstacle we face only brings us closer, and i know that we can overcome anything together. you have shown me the true meaning of partnership, and i am so grateful to have you as my girlfriend.

thank you for trusting me, for being vulnerable with me, and for always showing up with love and care. you've made me feel truly valued in ways i never imagined, and i want you to know that i appreciate you more than words could ever express. i'm proud of you, of everything you've accomplished, and of the person you are. you inspire me every day, and i'm so thankful to be sharing this journey with you. thank you for being my girlfriend, for being my love, my best friend, and for choosing me to be by your side. it's an honor.

i'm so excited for everything that's ahead of us. there's so much more to come, and i know with you by my side, we can create a beautiful memories together. i can't wait to make even more memories with you, to continue to learn and grow with you, and to face every adventure life throws at us hand in hand. you are my everything, and i'll try my best to always appreciate, honor, and love you with all of my heart.

here's to so many more days, weeks, and months together. i love you so much, and i'm forever grateful to have you as my girlfriend. thank you for being you and for making this past month the best one yet.

[same-skies]

Story of us

There was always something different about you, 

And we were never friends, that much is true, 

I fell for your eyes, your laughter and your smile, 

And the way we could talk about anything for a while, 

We spent many nights side by side, 

Curled up in your arms I never had to hide, 

You always listened when I wanted to talk, 

And you were by my side on every walk. 

You were the only person I’d let play with my hair, 

And I believed you when you told me that you care, 

Neither of us could deny the instant spark, 

And I fell for the way you kissed me in the dark, 

There was always something special between you and me, 

Something that only we were able to see, 

But as time went on, things began to change, 

The closeness we had started to feel strange, 

We drifted apart, though I tried to hold on, 

The magic we had seemed to be gone. 

Yet, in my heart, you'll always remain, 

A beautiful memory, a sweet refrain, 

For even though we went our separate ways, 

I'll cherish our moments for all my days. 

The laughter, the talks, the nights we shared, 

The way you showed me how much you cared, 

Though our paths have diverged, and we're no longer near, 

The essence of you will always be here. 

Years passed, and life took its course, 

We moved on, but felt a lingering force, 

One day, by chance, our paths crossed anew, 

And all those old feelings came rushing through. 

We talked for hours, just like before, 

Rekindling the bond we couldn't ignore, 

The laughter, the spark, it all came back, 

As if no time had passed, no love we lacked. 

We realized then, what we had was rare, 

A connection so deep, beyond compare, 

We vowed to cherish this second chance, 

To embrace our love, and let our hearts dance. 

Through trials and time, our love has grown, 

A testament to the seeds we've sown, 

With every challenge, we've become more strong, 

Proving that together, we truly belong. 

From past to present, our story unfolds, 

A tale of love that's brave and bold, 

And as we face what lies ahead, 

We'll hold each other, come what may, unsaid. 

So here's to us, to love's sweet song, 

A melody that plays lifelong, 

For in your eyes, I see my home, 

Together, forever, we'll never be alone.

[astrum-aetherium]

OKAY so this is not a nsfw ask sorry but an angst ask :3 so anyways ever heard the song last kiss by taylor swift? if not its a super heart-wrenching song and i cried so hard listening to it once that i just fell on the floor for 5 minutes but anyways 😍 angst henry according to last kiss!! this can go either like the song is henry to his s/o or s/o to henry, but u can do what u want with his concept bc (to me at least) its far too juicy not to do anything LIKE…. “so i’ll watch your life in pictures like i used to watch you sleep, and i feel you forget me like i used to feel you breathe” AND “i hope the sun shines and its a beautiful day, and something reminds you you wish you had stayed” LIKE…. anyways this is ask is so chaotic im sorry i just woke up

aww, come on now!! i'm a diehard swiftie. i've been revisiting speak now exceptionally much over these past few weeks in anticipation of taylor's version, and i'm so, so excited. falling in love with those songs all over again will be so bittersweet as someone who has spent so much time loving taylor, i basically grew up with her art. additionally, as a former emo kid, i just cannot fucking wait for the fall out boy feature — i love them forever and i've seen them live twice. truly shaking inside. and hayley! ahhh!

now, to last kiss. this could go both ways: one could either stay true to the intention of the song, meaning that it'd solely be about a breakup, or apply it to the fact that henry died. one is certainly more painful than the other. i'll quickly outline both.

in a separation setting, i feel like the second quote you mentioned would be the most tremendous. i hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day, and something reminds you you wish you had stayed — because of henry's characterization and essence, we can assume him to be more accustomed to gloomy weather. after all, he is known to carry around an umbrella at all times, therefore sort of anticipating or even invoking rain. you, however, would remind him of the very opposite, with your generally more positive disposition and the way you gilded his life. therefore, overly sunny weather would always remind him of you — you would clandestinely hope so, too — and he would be left wondering about your former beauty as a pair and reminisce on it, even. he would see you reflected in each sunray, be reminded of your touch with each coat of warmth the sun would encapsulate him in. there simply would be no way around you.

as for his death, the former line fits perfectly. so i'll watch your life in pictures like i used to watch you sleep. i shall add another one: hope it's nice where you are. and: so i'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes. this is true, raw bereaved longing — it makes the song's meaning stike about a thousand times harder, especially with the motif of a last kiss, because one more often than not does not know when it happens. you would miss him forever. looking at the scarce selection of pictures of him (or of you together) and pretending the person in them still exists and isn't confined in the dirt somewhere. wearing the remainder of his clothes you still own that somehow still have his scent adhered to them, cherishing them, sleeping in them with the intention to feel his closeness again. hoping he is well wherever he is, and might be watching out for you. reminiscing on that last kiss.

it's so early in the morning right now, lol. don't know how fitting the setting is for thoughts like these. but oh well. hope this did your request justice! i love myself some angst, especially when it comes to henry. it's truly electrifying how good it can get.

[indycinders]

Yes, it's gone.

Read on if you want to know my reasons for deleting Duplicity and Loser. TL;DR: I felt alienated, lost motivation, and I just don't want part of the community anymore.

I'm not really sure this deserves much of a TL;DR because that was simplistic enough. What it comes down to is I went into this with a lot of motivation and excitement because of members of a yandere community, and since I'm no longer a part of that community, I don't want to be a part of the fandom at all. Interests change.

I'm not going to name names or point fingers, because I just want to wipe my hands clean and start making things that I enjoy, that I like, and that aren't bound by certain rules or restrictions regarding the type of character someone is, if that makes sense. I struggled a lot coming up with Griffin's design and personality, and I started seeing that he was basically a blanket version of other yanderes in the community. He had no substance. And every time I tried to give him some, I'd step out of the boundaries of what I thought a yandere should be. It was frustrating and uncomfortable and hard to work with.

On top of that, the community I was apart of quickly unraveled when I took a break because of my health issues. When I came back, it was different, weird, and foreign almost. I tried my best to re-engage and get back into the swing of things, but I was met with resistance, indifference, and I was severely invalidated in my opinions. It was hurtful, because this community felt like a one-of-a-kind find for me. I could be who I am in it, without judgment. But then I realized, I didn't have any value in it, either. No one really cared as much as I (and some other people) did about trying to make things better for it.

And that's the problem. I cared too much.

I cared too much whether or not I fit in, whether or not my games and characters and art fit in with the community itself, whether I was liked enough. I put too much of myself into it and got nearly nothing back in return. I made some great friends that I will cherish forever outside of that community, but I no longer want any part of it. I don't like the indifferent vibes. I don't like that no one will speak up for themselves. I don't like that when I spoke up for myself, I was basically told to "take a break". Okay, but that doesn't solve the problem.

So I'm leaving, basically. I deleted Duplicity's tumblr, and Lian's tumblr, and any posts having to do with it. I will keep a few of my favorites around to see their progress, but I won't be an active part anymore. I restricted access to Duplicity and Loser on itch.io. Will I make games again? Probably, but they'll be my games, made completely from my imagination, and for myself mostly.

I just want to focus on practicing my writing, practicing my character development, and developing my art into something I can love again. I don't want to fit into any boxes anymore. I just want to make the things I like, when I want to make them, if that makes sense.

I'm sorry to anyone who truly enjoyed my games and characters. I'm sorry that I'm just another one of "those" developers with empty promises. I could pretend and say something like "it will be back again, when I'm feeling it" but I won't feel it. I love Griffin and Tris and Tai, and maybe I'll tell their stories in a different format. Maybe I'll rework them into something else. But for right now, they're packed away in their own little boxes in the back of my mind.

In all seriousness, take care of yourselves. Don't bend and twist yourself into something you're not. Don't break your back trying to fit in places for the sake of missing out or wanting connections. Just love yourself and the things you create without any apologies.

I'll be posting art and writing and whatever I damn well feel like, whenever I feel like it.

See you later, bunnies.

-Cin

[pepprs]

dont worry abt responding to my messages!! they can be little trinkets for u to keep forever if u wanna :)))

dear anon… how could i not respond to THESE!!!!!!!!!! 😭💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 you are the sweetest kindest most WONDERFUL soul. it is an honor to receive these beautiful letters and i hope you know how much i cherish each and every one. not just the words but the adventures you take me on and write up for the two of us!!! and the beauty and magic you help me to see in the world around me and the peace and love and love and love you conjure for me in moments when i cant find it or feel it so easy!!!! like idk i know i have no idea who you are outside of being dear anon and i only answer asks once in a blue moon but it truly means the world to me. TRULY.

your writing feels like all the best things, all the things i love most. like leaf piles in the fall and the pikmin bloom soundtrack (btw if you dont play that already i HIGHLY recommend it to you specifically, i think u would really like it and tbh you sending me these letters has the same vibe as my pikmin bringing me postcards from their adventures :"~DDDD!!! if you ever do join it please lmk i would LOVE to be friends and send you postcards and do adventures together!!!!) and frosting on cupcakes and twinkly dust motes in the sunlight and cumulus clouds and dogwood flowers and the way things made of glass refract rainbows and SUNLIGHT SUNLIGHT SUNLIGHT. and even that isnt cutting it. how magical it all is. like i wish i wasnt so exhausted so i could express it better but it truly is so... idk. NOSTALGIC! COZY! HOME!!!!!

so... in order to try to articulate it (and also show my thanks / return the favor / etc.), i am sending this letter along with a care package knitted with word and song and magic and light. enclosed please find:

wind chimes that sing like the sun hitting the lake (also i REALLY want to get a butterfly hair clip!!! i cant wear hair clips or anything else fancy in my hair bc of my mask headbands but id love to have one in case im ever able to wear it in the future 🥹)

a heart-shaped pebble from brighton, to add to your collection (btw i LOVE the part about how you lost them a long time ago but you love them so you remember what they look like. WAUGH. gut punch GUT PUNCH IN THE BEST WAY!!!!)

a mug for hot chocolate, so we can share some together when it gets cold again -- decorated with hand-painted stars in all colors!

a tiny needle to knit your sundust satchels -- like the kind youd find in pixie hollow or the tale of desperaux or something (also both things that have dear anon vibes to me and are also DEEPLY nostalgic for me!)

a recipe for starfait, with illustrations!! (also i LOVE that idea for a replacement for "tesscore"!! but i may end up using that for my personal tag on my undertale / deltarune blog instead bc its so perfect (and also im HONORED that u associate that with me 😭😭😭😭))

a crown and wand for you to wear to match the fairy queen mouse while you write the same kind of magic and comfort she brings!

a packet of magical flower seeds that sprout the most whimsical sweet-smelling flowers, with petals that are soft to the touch!

a hand-woven scarf in your favorite color threaded with shiny silver strands, like comets streaming through the sky (also i am SO late to say this but UNO REVERSE CARD re: your new years wish to me which is genuinely making me lumpthroated and teary eyed reading it again in AUGUST. you are the sweetest EVER. and also ive never played journey before but ive been interested in it for years!!! i'll have to check it out and/or watch a playthrough!)

a hummingbird sculpture on a long stick for you to plant in your garden among the flowers, to sing to them and to you! (also RE: your question about your vocal range -- it just means that you can cover a little over two octaves (the number after the letter is the octave it's in, and each octave is a span of c-d-e-f-g-a-b-c -- so your range starts at about halfway through the third octave and goes to halfway through the fifth!) i think your range is about the same as mine iirc so we can hum along with the hummingbird and all three follow each other's notes :"~D <3)

a golden acorn on a thread for you to wear as a necklace when we go to the bird tea party! (by the way, have you ever read the book ""until the last acorn "when the last acorn is found?" it's a BEAUTIFUL book and it made me cry reading it! i think you and the acorn people would get along very, very well!!)

a lantern made of jelly moonlight and silver foil stars (see: ilomilo chapter 4 :"~D) for you to carry on your walks through the dim nights (you can hang the stars in the sky, and they'll brighten the world and light at your touch!)

a copy of one of my favorite books of all time, "the ten thousand doors of january," which is so much about wedging cracks open into other worlds, and something i think you might like very much / resonate with too!!

a big, big hug.

dear anon: THANK YOU. for all these words and for being you. i dont know how i got so lucky to have you sending me these little trinkets but i will most CERTAINLY keep them forever. i hope you experience all the peace and love and love and love to infinity. may you always know and shine with the light you bring and the light you are.

[spectralpooch]

hi!! i'm a little too shy to leave a comment on your fic for everyone to see, so i'll put it here: i know that recent additions to canon have had you second guessing your writing and interpretations, but i just got done rereading your fic and i want you to know that i still sincerely believe that your choices are still spot-on! the divergence points thus far aren't as bad as you worry. i think of it simply as "oh, gilles showed up in this timeline!" and "oops, wataru missed keito's visits!" lol

im on the floor. ah. ahuifodijlkgrhgjhlklfhj. i will never recover from this ask. gootbye

i am going to return your love with a pile of my own ramblings, so for everyone else's sake, putting the rest of this ask under the cut!

first off: "i just finished rereading your fic" rereading??? 😭 that behemoth?? that is such a huge honor!!!!! i really hope that it holds up when you read it straight-through like that (not in one sitting i assume, but in a faster time frame than spread out over five months)

"oh, gilles showed up in this timeline!" ah, yes, a fellow gilles truther... it genuinely helped me cope and re-immerse myself in my "canon" when i arbitrarily decided that he was the key point of divergence between my fic and enstars canon. he set the events of blackbird into motion. he is the mastermind. he played wataru and eichi like pawns on a chessboard.

"oops, wataru missed keito's visits!" abhfdghb but fr, where was keito during blackbird? i really had to take a step back and mull over whether i'd missed something vital in pre-established canon--because i was certain that he'd be stuck to eichi's side like glue at this period in time? a possible explanation is that eichi just banned him from visiting... but if that was the case, i wish it'd been stated. because as it stands, it just feels like a plot hole to me </3

ahghh yep, i definitely went through a million stages of grief. i rly felt selfish for personally being disappointed in the new developments while everyone else was freaking out--not because i disliked blackbird/element, but because it was crushing to lose my canon-compliance. i know i've taken liberties with this fic, but i'd really tried my best to stick as closely to canon as possible and work under the pretense that "there's no evidence that things didn't happen this way"

but now that pretense is dead and gone! and i don't have to worry about it anymore. i'm still going to stick as closely to pre-april 2023 canon as possible, but the reality that this fic will never be canon-compliant does relieve some of the pressure i'd put on myself

(there are a couple of things i'm pondering yoinking from the new canon, however! i'm still pondering... but we'll see!)

it really, really, really, truly means everything to me that you still enjoy my plot and characterization. and it's incredibly reassuring that to hear that you think that i'm overblowing the canon divergence in my head. it's very grounding to hear an outside perspective on that, and i appreciate it so much

thank you so much anon ;-; i'm going to cherish these messages forever

also. for anyone reading this: don't save an ask as a draft. tumblr will send it to the shadow realm, never to be seen or heard from again. don't even bother looking for it. it's gone.

if it's an anonymous ask, you'll just have to copy+paste the text and send it to yourself. and feel like a complete fool.