last week i was sitting at a red light and was getting honked at SOOOOOOO MUCH and looked up and this guy was slamming the horn and the girl in the passenger seat was like trying to pull his arms away from the horn. then i remembered i have this bumper sticker
[ID: Simon sitting next to Prismo, "So... Why did you make Ice Queen like that?" Prismo asks "Like what. Cunty? ... Milfy?" Simon looks tired and doesn't know how to respond. end ID.]
I’m too gullible with people. I’ll have encounters and be like “aw they seemed nice ☺️” and then everyone around me will be like NONONONONO THAT WAS THE DEVIL!!!!!!!
my dealer: got some straight gas 🔥🤪 this strain is called “into the unknown”💀 it’ll have you making a pilgrimage in a place between our world and the next 💯☝️
me: yeah, whatever. I don’t feel shit.
five minutes later: bro I swear I saw the beast following us through these mysterious woods that I don’t remember entering
hey i was caramelizing your boyfriend and he uh. he stuck to the pan. yeah i didn’t deglaze it enough and he’s really burnt on there. i mean we can soak him for a while and see if we can scrape him up but i’m not optimistic. sorry.
deadpool killing a bunch of tva agents with wolverine's dead remains while dancing to nsync is not something i knew i needed but im SO glad it happened