#but this is just how the entire house looks bc my mom is a hoarder and just uhhgggggg

[max-nicoxposts]

I wish I got the OCD that makes me love cleaning all I got is paranoia, hallucinations, and such a big fear of dirt that my standards will never be met and I'll always be dirty forever and ever and ever and so will everything else but I'm too afraid of dirt to even try to clean it so I just live my life in filth and fear and wish that someone would clean it for me but they won't amiright guys

[mulderscully]

i feel like oversharing today.

it's an odd feeling to be moving out at 30. i'm doing what i "should" have done over ten years ago and i keep going over and over how i ended up here.

there is the basic element of the pandemic & the housing crisis but for me, i cannot help but feel like my family failed me and i don't feel like me saying that is pity seeking or asking for sympathy. it's just true and i deserve to say that.

when i was 16 my mom died, she had been terminally ill for THREE years. my aunt and uncle knew she was going to die, they knew they would take me in. they promised her to take care of me.

the summer after my mom's death was one of the worst years of my life, but the summer after my senior year was even worse because that is when the situation genuinely became abusive and i just couldn't see what it was.

until i graduated high school at 19 (yes, i was always a little old in school for some reason) i was allowed to keep my mom's social security benefits, so i would recieve about $200 a month for my needs. at the time $90 of that would go to a storage unit that held all of me and mom's stuff from our old apartment. it got to the point that i couldn't keep paying it so me and my family decided to empty it out.

it gets messy here because my aunt is a hoarder, and i did not understand the gravity of that til that day. she didnt want to donate anything. at all, we physically had no space for the stuff so we went against her, this ended up in her throwing herself at me in the car and kicking me onto the street, grabbing me so hard she ripped my bra and i had to wait for my uncle to come and get me.

i did not understand this was abuse.

that night she jumped at me and choked me until my uncle pulled her off me.

i did not understand this was abuse.

because we threw "her" stuff away that entire summer she was a constant ball of fury that i have never seen. i would sleep and wake up her banging on my door, screaming to let her in.

i would feel dread when i was walking home cause i knew she would be yelling and throwing things because i "betrayed" her.

i did not understand that this was abuse. i JUST let myself start calling it that.

somehow as time went on this stopped happening as often. a lot of other things happened, my aunt also assaulted my uncle and my cousin and was arrested multiple times. but i just... got used to it? because i did, and DO love my aunt and felt like... i owed her bc she took me in.

so when this calmed down, and would only happen every few months, i stayed because i was so depressed. i would sleep until 3 pm every day. i worked nights around that habit. my bedtime was 4 am. i didn't ever wanna be awake when everyone else was. i did not understand how fucked up i was. no one asked me if i needed help,

it wasn't until right before the pandemic when i was 25 that i was like... finally waking up. the pandemic was hard because i had to be in the house all the time and the hoarding got worse bc all of us are too defeated to help now. the house is swallowing me. i come home and feel like i want to go anywhere else. i have a constant stomach ache that i fear is cancer but logically is probably just stress.

i cannot live like this anymore and i will not anymore. i never thought i would actually say i'm moving out and mean it but it's happening. i had to crawl my way out of the grief of my mother's death for thirteen years because my aunt considered her own more important, because she abused me.

i don't know how to even explain my life to people without them looking horrified, but i'm excited for that to change.

[isadcrajade]

💀 * [ barbie ferreira + cis female + she/her ] —— have you met isadora oliveira ? they are a twenty-one year old sophomore currently studying fashion design & merchandising. they live on keating house, and word around campus is that this aries is loyal + warm, as well as self-objectifying + obsequious. i wonder if they’ll make it out alive. chocolate covered strawberries, gothic platforms, lingerie under leather jackets.

hiii bbies it’s me (gabby) finally here again to post this finalized, messy version of isa’s intro! she’s a brand new never-been-played muse of mine so it’s def bound to be a bit more scattered & less developed than ezra’s, but also much shorter? so i mean there’s a bonus lmao alright here we go:

so isadora (also known by many nicknames such as isa, izzy, iz, & dora the explora if ur trying to piss her off vgbjhksjs) was definitely not brought up in a world of prestige and recognition like the one she’s become so accustomed to in attending holloway university

growing up in the small town of lisbon, maine the only reality isa knew during her childhood was that of living as the only child of a woman who was (TW) both a compulsive liar & and compulsive hoarder. their house was floor to ceiling with things her mom collected as well as garbage built up over time- her condition had already driven isa’s father out of the house when she was just three years old, and she never had a relationship with him as a result

she was still fairly young when she realized the true severity of her own situation, just how abnormal it was compared to that of her friends. she missed out on so many rights of passage during her upbringing like birthday parties, sleepovers, etc. for much of her life her own living space / bedroom were just as bad off as the rest of the house, given her mom’s inability to keep from passing her hoarding tendencies onto her daughter. isa simply didn’t know any better at the time. to her, that was normal.

not only was her mom a compulsive liar & hoarder but she was also extremely neglectful, often leaving isa to her own devices in the dangerous environment they called home. as a result of this she (TW ED) developed harmful coping mechanisms surrounding food, regularly overeating to combat negative feelings of loneliness, and this went on from the time she was just a little girl all the way until she was in high school

high school was rough in many ways- she suffered depression, anxiety, experienced bullying at the hands of the more popular kids for her weight & her mother’s financial situation, and was all around extremely isolated from her peers- the only person she really had to depend on was her cousin (WC) . she had so much respect and envy for her cousin, they had more of a sisterly dynamic than anything, she was just so gorgeous and everything she did just seemed so effortless, to the point isa couldn’t help but idolize her and consider her a best friend. 

like, remember when spongebob said he hoped that by being in squidward’s presence some of his artistic ability would rub off onto him? that was deadass isa & (WC) in high school jhbksnjs my girl was so sure if she just spent enough time with her she’d inherit some of her pretty & cool

high school was also where she reached a turning point when it came to her home environment, able to put a name to her mom’s condition after years of struggling with her strained and toxic relationship with her mom, and ultimately changed the rest of her life. she stayed the night at (WC’s) one night and after she fell asleep, isa stayed up watching TLC- it was there that she first discovered the TV show ‘hoarding: buried alive’ and realized there was a name for her mother’s infliction- but more importantly, learned that there was help available for her condition

when she went home to excitedly tell her mother that she’d basically discovered a cure, a means to change everything for them... she certainly hadn’t been expecting the reaction that came: her mom, who’d always been so indifferent toward her, so lethargic and uninterested in what she had to say, was suddenly listening very clearly- and she was not happy. isa had never heard her mom scream like that, had never really heard her express any heightened emotion, but it was in that moment at 17 years old, just a few weeks away from her 18th birthday, that she realized what she needed to do. she had no choice but to make plans to leave her mom behind.

the final weeks leading up to the big day she was counting on as a turning point consisted of her cleaning out her own space, little by little, enough that she had somewhere to set up her secondhand laptop and webcam. blowing out the candles on her 18th birthday cake came with wishing for a whole new life, and she was determined to make that for herself by any means necessary.

(TW SEX WORK) isa spent half her 18th year in her room working as a successful camgirl, showing everything but her face, & of course always being careful not to dox herself. she eventually earned enough money to start buying herself nicer clothes, but it didn’t take her long to realize she wanted more from life than just rotting away in her hometown. she bought herself a higher quality webcam to keep making money... and a nice sewing machine, something she’d always dreamed of owning. 

all her life she’d been drawing and sketching as a means of escapism, it’d always been therapeutic to her to be creative and conjure up unique designs for outfits in her mind, drawing models in all shapes and sizes to represent her fantasy outfits. but she never felt like a visionary, even though anyone with an eye for fashion who got a look at her work could see that she had the natural talent and potential to be. 

isa had been an a straight-A student her whole life despite having almost no support at home from her mother growing up, and with plenty of encouragement from (cousin WC), she plucked up the courage and applied for holloway university, with ivory falls being far enough from her hometown of lisbon, but still in the same state so that she could go and see her mother from time to time (bc although their relationship is quite strained now, she still loves and worries about her)

the next summer she received her acceptance letter at holloway u for the coming fall semester, and the fact that she’d been able to make it into such a prestigious school made her feel so proud of herself that she completely underwent a massive arc of character development; evolving into someone so much more confident. realizing that plenty of people found her desirable as she continued to earn money through cam shows had been part of that transformation, but realizing she was talented enough to get accepted into the fashion design and merchandising program at her dream school had a completely different effect on her. 

( TW BODY IMAGE ISSUES ) isa decided that as she entered college, she was no longer going to be the meek, insecure girl constantly playing the role of the doting, loyal fat best friend to the ‘prettier main characters’ she’d always been sidekick to- she told herself that she was the main fucking character in her life from here on, and has spent her entire college experience up to this point just,, navigating as she figures out what that really means to her

still has a terrible underlying tendency to be overly-loyal and a bit obsessive with girls she closely befriends, if she has any kind of jealousy towards them. but ! is a lot more confident than she used to be, and it shows in the way she dresses and carries herself, as well as in her long-term goals (to transfer to FIDM for her final years of university)

( TW ED MENTION ) as a young adult, she’s mostly she’s replaced the compulsion to deal with her body image issues by using food to cope that she had as a teenager... by using sex to cope instead, so she’s definitely a bit promiscuous but does her best to keep that Her Own business 

personality-wise she has a massive heart & is loyal to a fault but is also wild AF & loves a good time! never rly dabbled in drugs until she got to college but since then has acquired an interest in trying everything under the sun, even if it’s just one and done. mostly though she just likes to get really drunk & stupid. used to feel like she was constantly living in her cousin’s shadow, & in some ways she still does, but she’s trying hard to make herself believe that she’s reached a place where she won’t be playing second fiddle to anyone, ever again

i’m gonna shut the hell up now & stop pretending i know this character better than i do bc i deadass do not jbhnjss like she’s literally brand new so lemme go head & leave plenty of room for development!

same story as ezra i’ll have a full connections page posted for her soon but in the meantime some ideas i have are: friends, frienemies, ex friends, high school bullies, classmates, old high school friends, people she gets fuckt up with on the reg, people she hooks up with on the reg (any gender, she’s bisexual / biromantic), someone she had a crush on in high school / has pined for from afar maybe?? someone who used to watch her cam shows?? someone she almost kinda dated but Not? someone who she hooked up with while they were dating someone else?? idk that’s what i have for now but there’ll be more where that came from <3 xoxo like this or hmu !

[cinnaminsvga]

all of the houses uwu

OH WORM LMAO I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT UHHH OKAY HERE I GO,,, i put most of ‘em under the cut so y’all aren’t annoyed by my answers lol

1st house: are you confident?

i wouldn’t say so,,, i have stage presence, i guess? and i’m charismatic to a certain degree, but i wouldn’t say i’m confident in other areas like my looks or intellect,,, i’m just me babey

2nd house: if you could only keep one of your personal items, what would you choose?

i’d like to keep the gold earrings my mom gifted me back when i graduated high school. they were the first earrings she bought with her own paycheck when she managed to save up enough money, so she wanted to give them to me because they meant a lot to her. 

3rd house: do you like to read?

of course i do!! it’s pretty much what i do for university, since i’m an eng lit minor!! i especially love reading crazy memoirs and comedic short stories, and of course… when i have the time, fanfiction is a guilty pleasure of mine… yoonkookers… we ride at dawn 

4th house: what does your bedroom look like?

my dorm room… we don’t talk about her… HASJDHAJSd it’s pretty bare bones, if i’m being honest. i don’t decorate it because i tend to move around a lot since my income entirely depends on the length of my stay in any apartment… but my room back at home in the philippines is pretty childish?? LMAO as most childhood homes are… my bedroom walls are literally wall to wall with books. it’s a nightmare and my brother keeps asking me to donate them but i’m a hoarder when it comes to books ;w;

5th house: name your favorite movie or show.

dead poet’s society as my favorite movie of all time!! as for tv shows… i’m currently obsessed with queer eye and i’m fucking IN LOVE with tan france and jonathan… ugh those five dudes are so fucking wholesome i can’t BELIEVE it

6th house: do you participate in community service?

well, if you count church service as community service, then yes!! i work as a youth pastor during the weekends, and i hold bible studies every monday to teach university students about religion,,, oh and i serve during sunday mass too i guess HAHAHA 

7th house: if you could choose, what zodiac sign would you like your dream partner to be?

i have no idea how zodiac signs work, so i’m just gonna throw a guess and say libra because i don’t think i’ve never befriended one before HAHAHAH

8th house: do you believe in reincarnation?

nope!! i like the concept though lmao

9th house: what’s your favorite quote?

GOD that’s so hard to choose one… in music, then i’d say yoongi’s verse in sea when he says “the trust before sleep that tomorrow will be better” because… worm… that’s me every time i go to sleep ashdjahsd but for literature quotes, then i’d say this one part from a translation i read of ovid’s version of orpheus where it says “A viper, she trod on, diffused its venom into her body, and robbed her of her best years. I longed to be able to accept it, and I do not say I have not tried: Love won.”

10th house: are you good at public speaking?

yep!! i used to perform slam poetry in high school and i often have to speak in front of crowds due to my work as a youth pastor. i also frequently have to give talks due to my major and minor (in chem, i have to do oral defences in front of a jury of chem professors, and in eng lit, i often have to share my argumentative papers orally in front of an auditorium for extra marks lmao)

11th house: what sign(s) is your best friend/squad?

oh worm!! well, time to list some friends i guess!!

 @jincherie is my lovable aries, whomst is constantly butt deep in aries season which is why we are both so Angery All The Time… we support and love all aries in this household

@gimmesumsuga and @yminie are both taurus (and i’m dying bc of it… all the birthdays are together and now i have to shit out fics at the speed of light… HASJDHASJHD)

@junqkook is a gemini and if you think she’s the epitome of every gemini out there, you are not wrong

@comfyeol is my fellow leo and literally we pride ourselves in our loudness… we literally can’t be stopped and are we annoying?? hell yea!!

my locals… *** and ***** are a capricorn and aquarius respectively… *** and *****, if you’re reading this… blease unblock me from the gc it’s been 3 days ;w; i’m sorry for calling your ex boyfriends yeast infections… lmao

12th house: do you like to be alone?

yeah,,, mostly,,, i definitely prefer smaller groups of friends, and i hate going out other than when it’s necessary HASJDHASJD literally my version of self care this saturday was when i went to watch captain marvel by myself and ordered some rosé and poutine to keep me company LMAOOO