#but this is a mental health centre so I'd like to at least say a very vague ''not too well today but alas what can you do'' sort of thing

[piplupod]

hearing the question "how are you doing?" every single day i show up (not an issue in and of itself) and i cannot say "i am not doing well actually, but how are you?" because they seem to have an unofficial no bummers rule in place (with the exception of like two elders who i guess have somehow earned the right to gripe and complain when no one else is allowed to, even other elders) (being unable to reply even somewhat truthfully is the issue at hand) but oh my god I am Not Doing Well

[acti-veg]

(a vent - if that's okay to submit here. if you don't have the energy for it I totally understand!)

I've been looking for a place to live for the next few months, until my partner and I can move in together, and I found somewhere that's... pretty much perfect! location wise there isn't a thing I don't love about it, except... it's *right* next to a cow farm. when I saw the cows in the field while walking down the lane to the address, my stomach just... plummetted. I'm sadly very used to seeing cows and sheep in fields in my area, but being next to a whole industrial farmhouse where I know exactly what happens inside... might end up giving me nightmares.

I don't want to be a person that flinches and withdraws when I encounter these things. but I truly, deeply hate living in a world (and a country, darn cursed UK) where animal agriculture is so utterly inescapable, and seems to crowd every single fridge, grocery store and forest-turned-field. I hate not being able to travel any amount of distance before getting slapped with it again - and I know I shouldn't ultimately *want* to escape it. I want to be able to look it in the eye for what it really is, and do what is in my power in this life to challenge it.

I'm not quite in an activism-ready state of mind yet, though. so naturally I feel very powerless, and the idea of living next to something like that and not being able to do anything about it is just... exhausting, and terrifying. I'm going to feel it out and see if I can tolerate this kind of proximity, if at least for a short period of time. but there's a big wave of hopelessness that comes with knowing I'll never truly be able to live 'far away' enough from the nightmares of animal agriculture that I could at least stop thinking about it for a while.

I'm mostly sharing this with the hopes that someone might be able to relate. I could really do with breaking out of the grim isolation of it all. I'm thinking about reading the Vystopia book to work through the feelings a bit. if anyone else has any insight or thoughts, I'd really appreciate them.

thank you for reading!

I think this may end up having a bigger impact on your wellbeing than you might realise, mostly in terms of your mental health but there is also pollution and noise to consider. I would strongly consider looking at other options, even if they offer less, because I just don't think this is something you'll be able to learn to live with.

In terms of living as a vegan in an anti-animal world, that is a difficulty we all share, and there is nothing I can say to make that burden any lighter for you. You will not find a vegan who does not feel this to some extent. Personally, I've found that activism does help channel that frustration and anger into something positive, and I've also found that spending time with animals who aren't farmed - whether it's a rescue centre, sanctuary etc. can be enormously uplifting. It helps remind us who we're fighting for, and helps reframe your veganism in a positive way.

My advice would be to just generally try to experience and learn about animals in a positive way - read books about their intelligence, how they live in nature, make art, write, read positive books about animals. I think as vegans sometimes we can fall into the trap of only really thinking about animals in terms of their oppression, and as important as that is to recognise and learn about, if that is all you are engagaging with then you will burn out very quickly. I'd recommend checking out this talk on that topic - it's about activism but I think it applies to veganism more generally.

I hope you find a way to work through this anon, again it's something we all go through so you're very much not alone. Engage with animals positively, engage with other vegans and become involved in the community - whatever you can do to celebrate your veganism, rather than just experiencing it as a burden, which is a trap that is all too easy to fall into.

[arwenlalaith]

Between the Blues and the Pinks (Ch. 3)

Ship: Alex Blake/Emily Prentiss

Summary: The Baby Blues: The temporary feelings of sadness following having a baby. Also known as Postpartum Depression. The Baby Pinks: The mild mania experienced following having a baby. Also known as Postpartum Euphoria.

Warnings: Mental health issues, postpartum mood disorders.

Word Count: 1044

"I'd like you to try something for me," Tara said towards the end of their session that week.

Alex did her best not to pull a face, knowing that Tara's homework assignments were never something she actually wanted to do...though she always did them regardless.

If Tara noted the momentary flicker of annoyance, she didn't comment on it, for which Alex was thankful. "There's a support group that meets weekly for parents of Down's Syndrome children. I'd like for you and Emily to attend a session. You can meet some of the children and speak with their parents. I think it will help you to see just how normal life with a special needs child can be."

Alex was visibly unconvinced – even outright alarmed – by this suggestion.

"I know it sounds, perhaps, premature," Tara assured her, "But I truly believe that this will help lessen your tendency to catastrophize the situation. Or, conversely, maybe you'll make some connections that will help you should the worst case scenario come to pass."

Of all the things Tara had suggested, this was the one that Alex wanted to do the least. But she also trusted her as a therapist and knew that she truly wanted to see her get past her fears and enjoy having a new baby. So, she'd reluctantly do it, in spite of her hesitations.

________

"I'm proud of you, Alex," Emily murmured, offering her a soft smile as they pulled up outside the community centre. She knew Alex hated those words, but she also needed her to know just how much she admired her strength and courage, especially of late.

Alex gave her a tight smile back, but couldn't seem to muster any words. Whether because she was too anxious to say anything or simply didn't know what to say, neither of them could've said.

Emily turned off the engine, then simply sat there, waiting for Alex to make the first move to exit the car. Only, she didn't. For a few moments, it seemed like maybe she couldn't. Finally, Emily whispered, "We don't have to do this..."

"No," she insisted, "I do. I want to. I just..." She trailed off, shaking her head. She still didn't have the words. She did, however, find her courage, shaking hand reaching for the door handle.

They made it as far as the door to the community centre before said courage seemed to fail her and she stalled on the steps, face going white. Emily reached out a hand to rest on her shoulder comfortingly, offering a soft smile.

Before either of them could say anything, a voice spoke up from behind them, asking, "First timers?" They both whirled around, startled, to find a young couple with a young boy toddling alongside them. The husband offered them a reassuring smile.

Emily glanced at Alex and quickly realized that she wasn't going to be able to respond. "Oh, umm...yeah," she stammered. "It's a long story."

The man nodded with understanding, even though she'd explained nothing. "I'm Matt, this is Kristy. And this little monkey is Luca." The toddler wandered away from his parents towards Alex, proceeding to make grabbing motions in a request to be picked up.

"He's very social," Matt explained, "He doesn't really understand the concept of stranger danger yet – we're working on that."

Alex smiled down at the child and asked him, "Can I pick you up?" Matt seemed about to tell her something, but was saved having to when Alex signed to the boy, "Up?"

He nodded eagerly.

"Wow..." Matt said, sharing a knowing look with Kristy.

________

Matt and Emily stood on the edge of the room, sipping coffee and watching Kristy and Alex play with Luca. "She's a natural," he remarked.

Emily nodded, soft smile on her lips. "I've always known she would be – she's the only one who doesn't see it."

"Sometimes we're our own worst critics," Matt agreed. "Kristy was the same way when we found out about Luca's diagnosis. But once he was here, she figured it out right away."

"I don't think the problem is so much whether she'll figure out how to be a mother to a special needs baby, but whether she'll be able to forgive herself if it happens." She sighed heavily. "She's already having such a hard time."

Matt made a sympathetic noise. "It does get easier," he vowed. "You never understand why, but you stop asking the question."

She nodded slowly, gaze vacant. "She already struggles so much, I fear that a diagnosis would just be too much for her to handle."

"When something like this happens, you find strength you didn't know you had," Matt assured her.

________

Luca babbled to himself as he drove a toy car up and down Alex's arm. He'd spent the last twenty minutes sitting in her lap and chatting happily, as if Alex were his new best friend.

"He really seems taken with you," Kristy remarked. "He's normally very chatty, but he prefers to play by himself."

"Is that normal?" Alex asked, smiling down at the boy, mussing his hair tenderly.

Kristy smiled as she watched the two interact. "'Normal' isn't really a helpful word with Down's Syndrome, but a lot of Down's children are very sociable early on." She watched Alex for a moment, then asked, "Do you know for sure yet?"

She shook her head. "We're still waiting on the amnio results."

"Do you want my advice?" Kristy asked. When Alex nodded, she continued, "At the end of the day, that baby will always be your child. Regardless of any diagnosis it may or may not have, you'll still love that baby."

Alex nodded slowly, obviously struggling internally.

"The blame you feel for yourself will go away with time," she added.

Alex didn't seem convinced.

Kristy clearly understood that. "Listen...if you ever want to talk about this – or anything – you can call me, okay?" She offered an encouraging smile. "You'll need a friend, regardless of what that test says."

[mnemonicpneumaticknife]

I'm pro self diagnosis because years of dealing with doctors and nurse practitioners convinced me there's a serious problem going on there.

Describing my problem to multiple doctors who prescribed me my medication and a few nurses who for a time were responsible for administering my doses, none of them could tell me what the problem was. Over and over I'd get the generic "maybe lose weight/exercise". One person told me I had my belt too tight. I explained to them that vigorous movement made my nausea worse, even to the point of vomiting. Didn't offer me a drug to fix that though, did they?

This went on for nearly 15 years. A pattern emerged but because I wasn't investigating it as a puzzle I could solve (and a child could have solved, you'll find out when I get there). I'd get on meds to treat my depression, I'd feel better, report no problems on the initial dose, the doctor(s)(I remember at least five, both GP and psychiatric) would say "great!" raise my dose and we'd work on my recovery. Setting up therapy stuff at the mental health centre, etc. Then I'd be too tired to get to appointments. I'd feel sick leaving the house, then just sick. Eventually I'd be too sick to get to the pharmacy and stop taking my meds. This pattern repeated a few times.

Did you figure it out yet? You may be smarter than over a half dozen career medical professionals!

It was only when my sensitivity got worse that I realized what was happening: Literally the most common side effect of my anti-depressants. When it got bad I tried all of them and the sensitivity was so bad the results ran the range from "debilitating nausea and vomiting within 2 hours of taking the pill" to fatigue, irritation and possibly pain in whatever other part of my GI tract that medicine's errant dart ended up landing on.

I had to stop taking that part of my treatment entirely because it was only causing harm.

I've had multiple doctors tell me I shouldn't be reading the side effects of drugs they prescribe me. I guess that's fair, they don't read them either. They don't like people looking up symptoms, either. Well damn, if you're not going do your job, I have to pick up the slack! Don't blame me for this, I tried to be a good little patient and listen and all it caused was harm. Don't you have an oath about that, or should I not be looking that up either?

I've seen people describe the structural reasons that lead to doctors treating disabled people this way, and I think they're right, but, it still takes incredible restraint to not ask doctors if they take the stupid pills in school or during residency.

Final note, I still don't know what's causing the nausea and GI pain, it was just getting aggravated by the meds. Seems like I have more research ahead of me.

[somebody-909]

Yeong-gi was arrested as a kid [I Love Yoo Theory]

In celebration of the return of my favourite webtoon, I thought I'd share the theory I shared on reddit a while ago about our favourite red head (revamped with pictures and extra discussion). This theory was eventually pretty much proven correct in Episode 112.

TLDR: Allusions to violent behaviour, a bad period of time where Yeong-gi was away, and stigmatized treatment resembling how you treat a criminal, lead me to believe that Yeong-gi, having been deeply affected by the events with his mother, developed violent behaviour, that resulted in legal trouble of some sort. He was then sent "away" somewhere for some time, likely either juvie or a rehabilitation centre of sorts for juvenile delinquents.

1. "How long has it been since you got out?"

In episode 16, when Kousuke visits Yeong-gi at Mrs. Lochlainn's (Yeong-gi's granny) place, he asks:

"How long has it been since you got out? Four years, maybe five? I'll stop for today. I know you don't like being reminded of what happened back then."

This suggests that Yeong-gi "got out" of some place/institution. The words "got out" are also quite ominous... (I would even argue that it implies being "locked" away). I find it hard to believe he would be using this for something that wasn't incredibly unpleasant/hard for Yeong-gi to get through. Kousuke proceeds to say, "Four years, maybe five? I'll stop for today. I know you don't like being reminded of what happened back then," confirming this implication.

I have seen a few possible interpretations of where Yeong-gi might've been "away" for a while. I personally think it's most likely something legal (juvie or juvenile delinquent related rehab), although others believe it might've been a mental institution, and others think it was a boarding school.

I see how "got out" could be used for the first two options easily, but the last one is a bit more shaky. "... since you left boarding school" might be a more natural way of referring to that, since it would have to be a really bad boarding school to refer to it in the way Kousuke does.

The following clues lean more towards Yeong-gi being away due to criminal reasons, however.

2. Treated like a delinquent.

The next clue and the biggest is how everyone treats Yeong-gi. His family treats him like a delinquent (I choose this word specifically because of its connotations... not just a troubled, hopeless kid... but more a kid you can't trust because he will be irresponsible and bad).

In episode 19, the students talk about how Yeong-gi hangs out with Soushi (who they think is a delinquent as seen in episode 20 probably bc he's a brown guy with a scar tbh TT)

"His family's got some great connections, that's the only reason I'm being friendly with the dude."

"But what's the point in doing that? He only hangs out with this delinquent from another school."

"You're joking..."

"I'm not! I saw him! Got a scar too... probably got it from a fight..."

"So it's true what they say then... Him being..."

"Shh! Don't say it out loud!"

They think Yeong-gi is hanging out with and is friends with a delinquent who they associate with having been violent. They immediately ask, "So is it true what they say then … Him being …"

What kind of rumour would they think is true if they saw Yeong-gi hanging out with a "thug"?

It would make sense to finish that question with "So is it true what they say then … Him being a criminal" or "a delinquent".

If we were to go with the mental hospital theory, it might work if they said "him being violent" but that doesn't really work as well here in relation to Soushi being a "delinquent."

There is a bit of nuance between what they would associate with someone with a criminal history, in comparison to someone who had been admitted to an institution for mental health issues, even if both possibilities were linked to violent outbursts.

As for his family, they treat him terribly. Like he's a screw up, a troublemaker. Not so much like someone with mental illness. I think by this point its clear that Yeong-gi made a big mistake, but what would be so bad that they treat him like this?

3. Hints of being "away" and having a criminal past.

There are several subtle hints that indicate Yeong-gi did have a criminal past of sorts. Or at least spent some time away.

Episode 79 - significant criminal past

When Yeong-gi and his father meet the lawyer about the assault and drug case in episode 79, the lawyer says:

"Your son does not have a significant criminal past."

Why not just say that he doesn't have "a criminal past" at all, period? Now this seems negligible, but Quimchee has used very subtle hints like this in the past so I wouldn't put it past her (eg. Yui calling Yeong-gi, "kid," and Kousuke "son," to indicate she is related to Kousuke and not Yeong-gi).

Episode 79 - Hansuke couldn't get to know Yeong-gi

Kousuke's cousin, Hansuke, states that he never got to know Yeong-gi back in their college days because:

"I was busy with my residency and [Yeong-gi] was… you know… "

This alludes to Yeong-gi having been unable to hang out because he had something going on...

Kousuke's Corner 2 and Episode 72 - a year behind

Yeong-gi is also a year older than Shin-Ae and his twelfth grade peers... Having any sort of legal trouble could cause a kid to flunk a year.

References to violent behaviour

In Episode 51, Kousuke mocks Yeong-gi, stating that he can have his assistant bring his punching bag if he needed an outlet for his frustrations.

Not being in "control" of his emotions is a recurring motif, with Yeong-gi's family members and even with himself.

Affinity for physical fitness (boxing) as a coping mechanism

I think it's significant that after being alluded to having had violent behaviour, his coping mechanism is something very physical. Boxing, interestingly, imitates violence.

Thematically fits with the end of the Black and White Formal arc

This is more my personal opinion... But I think Yeong-gi punching that pos Sangchul after constantly being passive aggressively criticized for violent behaviour is... cruelly fitting. Him being arrested and possibly repeating what had once happened, and after he had constantly been told not to repeat it, would be a sad parallel to what he once had to deal with.

Possible alternative explanations

TW: mentions of poor mental health and suicide attempts

I think it's most certain that Yeong-gi had legal trouble of some sort, likely due to a violent altercation, and that he was sent somewhere as a result of this incident.

Where he was actually sent to as a result, however, is a bit more shaky.

Since it was a minor criminal past, it's possible could've been simply arrested and not been sent to juvie at all. If his father was heavily involved in his life, he would likely have intervened if juvie became a possibility.

There are some who speculate Yeong-gi had very poor mental health, likely due to what happened with his mother and may have even attempted suicide. While this is possible, there isn't a lot to indicate past depressive or suicidal tendencies. For sure, his violent behaviour was coupled with poor mental health... but not necessarily poor mental health of this nature. I also feel that there is some nuance in how people would talk to Yeong-gi if his time away was precipitated by a suicide attempt. Someone who had self-harming tendencies isn't treated like a thug. Someone who beat up a kid might be though. (depressive tendencies could've been coupled with violence that caused his time "away," but once again, there is not a lot to really hint at severe depressive behaviours).

There are also theories of foster care, if his mother died (which seems to be the most likely scenario with her). I don't think this is the case because we have seen a young Yeong-gi interact with a young Kousuke. The two brothers (and their parents) were aware of each other. There is also his nana.

I think the most likely scenario is that Yeong-gi, having been deeply affected by the events with his mother, developed violent behaviour, that resulted in legal trouble of some sort.

He was then sent somewhere as a result: either juvie or a rehabilitation centre of sorts for juvenile delinquents, or an asylum (due to aggression issues). Regardless, it must have been tied to a violent incident, resulting in legal action and detention and possibly a follow up mental health related thing (rehab/asylum).

Episode 112's confirmation:

There is a vague flashback alluding to a period of time where Yeong-gi was in trouble, specifically stating

"Poor kid. No one is going to want him."

"Why not?"

"...Behavioural and aggression issues".

This alludes both to Yeong-gi getting into trouble for hurting someone, AND for being guardian-less for a period of time (no one "wanting him" seems to reference foster care or adoption).

Later in the episode, Yeong-gi's classmates gossip and say:

"Wasn't he at a detention centre for a bit?"

"I thought he was in an asylum?"

"He was sent somewhere for sure..."

[monsterfucker-lisa-swallows]

Hi, I'm Ginger and I've been dating my girlfriend for 11 years. We met on Deviantart writing fanfiction for Doctor Who when I was 15 and she was 14, all the way back in August of 2010. At the time, I was living in an extremely abusive home in which my mother was severely mentally ill and my stepfather physically/psychologically abused me and sexually abused my sister. I decided to leave when I was 22 and cut contact with them completely and my mental health improved drastically. The only problem is that I left with nothing. I'm a college drop out who was going for theatre (I've done basically every job on and off stage since I was 9 years old) and I work on writing novels and scripts in my spare time (I am as of yet unpublished). I work retail, but haven't been able to save any of my money because I've had to put it into living expenses. I'm now 26 and moved to New England over the summer to be with a roommate who turned out to be very emotionally abusive. She was using my family's entire playbook except for the actual physical violence. I slept in the living room and once I got a job, she stopped allowing me to sleep (keeping every light in the house on while running the ac/kitchen fan/bathroom fan all at the same time and doing dishes at 6 am and watching TV loudly and keeping the window open then telling me it wasn't cold or loud in there and taking away my mattress) and suddenly deciding not to let me eat food she'd said i was welcome to and trying to make me lose my job. I spent all my money on the move here and am now sleeping on a coworker's couch for the time being, but it's making me reevaluate everything. I've always said I want to visit my girlfriend then have her visit me then move in with her, but that might take too long. And setting that as our financial goal may not be realistic if I could just get the spouse visa now. I work and she's on benefits for the moment, but I'm feeling like if I don't do this now I'll never be able to.

We're asking for enough funds to get a passport, a plane ticket, handle the immigration fees, and cover initial living expenses. We'd really appreciate it. I'm not expecting to move right this second, but hopefully by the end of next year. I can't bear the thought of never getting to be with my best friend, the only constant person I've ever had in my life. I just want to be there for her the way she has been for me.

COST BREAKDOWN:

£1,523 Fiance Visa fee (USD$2095) +

$190 VFS Application Centre + Biometrics + Doc Scanning + Passport Retention fee +

$2000 Lawyer Fee (Based on Google Estimate)

~£440 Plane Ticket (USD$605) +

£726 Living Expenses - living accomodations, food, etc while waiting to be cleared to work (USD$1000)

TOTAL: USD$5,611

Every cent counts and any excess will be applied to the living expenses because I will not be initially cleared to work and my GF Abbie is currently unable to work. I'd really appreciate any help. This is all I've wanted since I was 15 years old and we have met over webcams and text basically every day, we just haven't met in person. With everything going on in the world, there's no guarantee of tomorrow and I want to start living my life already. If we just had a TARDIS, this wouldn't be necessary, but the technology isn't there yet. Thank you!

***UPDATE FOR MY FOLLOWERS***

You guys know us on here, we've been struggling with this problem for years now. You've got this post here outlining the problem with my last roommate and yes I'm still looking for a roommate in my immediate area so I can keep my job (or at least America if it's not possible to stay in town). I'm keeping those posts and my Craigslist ad live for the time being. But I also decided to say fuck it and put this up, because I'm getting no bites from the practical avenues. You guys know how much it would mean to us. So this is another option to my housing crisis and would result in permanent stability because then we could be a team instead of me struggling on my own. I'M NOT EXPECTING MY FOLLOWERS TO GIVE ANYTHING. YOU GUYS HAVE SUPPORTED ME SO MUCH OVER THE YEARS AND I AM BEYOND GRATEFUL. I KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE A LOT TO GIVE SO THIS ISN'T TO SOLICIT MONEY FROM YOU GUYS. I JUST NEED SOME SHARES.

Seriously, we're so grateful for all your support over the years so if you can give, great, but I fully understand that everything is dire right now and lots of people have way more dire needs than mine to fund raise. It would just mean a lot to have some shares and boosts. Because this isn't just a solution to my homelessness - if it was just about that, I'd keep the search just to the US. This is about being with my best friend. Thanks for understanding.

[giorgiastastes]

버닝 / Burning (2018)

"It's too close, you might not see it"

What to say about this movie...

The film itself is quite simple, even too easy at first sighting I'd dare to say, but the meaning behind, the interpretations and smart details is what makes it unique and pretty much a masterpiece.

I'm sure that most people, or at least those who usually watch unchallenging to elaborate movies, won't like it. If you're looking for something what will be "explained to you", for the director to give you that big plot twist or long monologue, you won't find it here. But if you want to watch a work of art that'll make you think, reflect and crash your minds, you have a good journey in front of you.

I remember that as soon as I've finished watching it I went online to look for theories, to see if someone else had the same idea as me, if I got it right and what I've missed, and then I planned to write here my thoughts on the real explaination, but after rewatching and searching I've figured it out BURNING doesn't really have a "true" explaination in my idea, or better, the director definitely knows what he believes is the so called truth, but the strength of it is how free of interpretations it is. I've read hundreds theories and honestly all of them could fit just right, so for once I've decided to do something different.

In here I will summarize all the theories, under layers and explaination that I've read, figured out or found, and I will leave to you, the reader, to believe your own "truth"

This will be full of spoilers, it's actually a summarization of the after watch, so read at your own risk, and since I'm taking for granted that you've watched the movie and remember it quite well too, I won't always repeat the plot when not necessary.

• Ben sells organs on the black market. That's how he gets his money and Haemi is aware of this, and decided to sell her own organs to pay off her debt. She even says I'D SELL MY ORGANS IF I WERE YOUNGER. She could also be unaware of this and that's why she dissapears.

• Ben is a serial killer. He seduces fragile women who are very easy preys to such an handsome and carismactic young man, and then gets rid of them after he gets tired. This happens about every couple of months, which corresponds to his journey in Africa timeline. They are the greenhouses he burns, because he knows nobody will look for them, and in fact the police does not care about the greenhouses, just like they don't care about missing women nobody knows about.

Ben also owns all the qualities of a maniac sociopath who's keen on control and feels no emotion or empathy. He never cries for example. He also feels pride in his crime and he's almost tempted to confess them to show how good he is. That's why he says to Jongsu that he will burn a greenhouse close to him, but he didn't mean it in a special terminology, but more like in an emotional sense. He will kill the the closest thing the other has, which is Haemi. He also states that she dissapeared like "smoke".

This would also be justified by the creepy call the protagonist receives by Haemi before she dissapears. The biggest evidence placed by the director to prove that this theory is the most correct one is in the last scene, where Ben is putting makeup on a new girl. For a non Korean speaker it's quite hard to get the reference but Makeup and corpses' cremation are spelled in the same way in the hangul language, therefore the movie showing us Ben doing the girl's makeup is the alternative way to say he's killed her and is now cremating the body, hence his obsession with fires.

He's the one who cleaned Haemi's room and took her cat. He also keeps his victims personal objects as a throphy of some sort.

• Ben is a pimp. He's the trainer for these beautiful, young but poor women who are ready to sell themselves when he convinces them to do so. This is shown as Haemi also become less and less shy as the movie goes on, as seen in the undressing scene, while being more bold and provocative too. He changed her drastically, or maybe only let her discover a different, more free, part of herself. He also applies makeup on them how he would do to a doll, playing dress up for a woman who's now becoming just an object of desire that can be bought.

• Ben is a human trafficker. He sends women into slavery while promising them a life of luxury and happiness. That's why he shows off his idyllic lifestyle, and then sells them in Africa (where he goes frequently), where they'll never be found.

• Ben is a life guru. He teaches unsecure and frustrated women to feel liberated and less oppressed, to leave it all behind and start from scratch. They pay him, that's why he's rich. He also keeps a "souvenir" of every woman he has turned. This could explain why he shows up to the meeting with Jongsu in the finale. If he actually killed or sold these women he wouldn't fall into the other man's trick.

• Ben doesn't exist. He's just the symbol of everything Jongsu is not but aspires to be. He's rich, confident, cultured and attractive. Every flaw and layer of insecurity Jongsu seems to have, Ben lacks. And in the end, when the protagonist finally becomes brave enough to mature, to actually chase the woman he loves, he's able to kill the shadow of himself that only reminded him of how miserable he was.

• Ben and Jongsu are the same person. Much Fight Club like, they're the same human being, just different, extreme sides of one. Jongsu could have a personality disorder or maybe we're just shown two sides of him that prove his mental health issues. That's also why Haemi seems to be involved with both of them without choosing a side, because one is the gentle but insecure fraction, the other the bold but arrogant one. And then, in the end, when such division is making him go insane, he decides to kill his alter ego.

• It's just a love triangle. One of my favorite songs of all time had a similar topic. There's the main character, a shy and quiet boy, who falls in love with a girl who feels foreign and unreachable to him. But he's not the only one in her life. She also has another lover who's much more attractive and manly in a way, and all three start to share this peculiar poliamorous love story, mostly platonic. She's very pretty and feels as free as Venus, torn between two men. Then one day she leaves, and she'll never come back. But while the second boy easily moves on with his life, figuring out it was just a näive fling, the singer remains stuck, obsessing over her day and night, trying to find answers and solutions just not to deal with the realization of her not loving him enough to stay.

• Every character represents a social stereotypes and criticism of modern South Korean classes. I think this is very straightforward, especially Jongsu's jealousy of Ben's wealth, and Haemi's attempt to RISE in the social pyramid, surrounding herself with high class people like Ben or his friends, even letting them make joke of her, to mock her, all of it just to feel part of their group and reality.

• It's all in Jongsu's head.

• The disappearance of Haemi, whether it happened or not or HOW it happened are not the main focus on the movie, which instead is the characters dealing with such loss and lack of knowledge on what happened. Much like the Russian movie Loveless (2017), where the event is only used as an artistical device to let the story progress and the characters' grief culminate. Maybe we really don't need to know what happened to her, maybe she's dead, maybe she's alive and better than ever, but to the movie's intent such information is superficial, it's just the human need to fill our curiosity when were too afraid to deal with the pain of remaining unaware of it. Jongsu is sure she's been killed and that brings him to his next move, but the viewer, he doesn't need to know, because he doesn't need to act, to keep the story going.

• Haemi might have killed herself. Ben is the only one who knows about this and that's why she gives him her cat. She also shows multiple signs of advanced depression, for more than half of the movie is almost like she's not there, like she's already just the memory, the ghost of a girl who once was there.

• The movie itself is just a metaphor. The metaphor is many times used by the characters and maybe not only as a word, part of a dialogue, but the overall film might be A BIG, CRIPTIC METAPHOR.

• Everything is hereditary. From family's fortunes and richness to behavior and inner rage. Jongsu was born poor and will die as such just like his father, and even though he seems like the most innocuous being, he's able to take out his rage on other just like this father. I guess it's in the genes.

• Jongsu is the calf. The calf represents Jongsu's pureness and naivety. And when he sells it, he's also selling his soul in a way.

• Haemi represents South Korea, Jongsu North Korea, Ben is the new Korea, the one always more and more Westernized.

• We're just reading the plot of Jongsu's book. When Haemi leaves for Africa he has plenty of time to write the story he's planning to put into words, and that's what he does. Everything we see after she comes back from her journey is just the plot of the book, and the creation of Jongsu's imagination.

• A modern reinterpretation of the Great Gatsby. Yes, obviously a VERY liberate view of the novel, but many details seem to be quite evocative.

• A criticism to how South Korea treats women. Even the movie itself does this, probably on purpose. The one who disappears is a woman, but the ones who are the main centre of attention are men. She's only a story device, never the real protagonist.

• Ben wanted Jongsu to discover his crimes so he could reach fame if the other ever made a book out of it. He's so full of himself he'd rather be punished for his crimes than never showing off how good he was at covering every proof. That's why he dies almost peacefully, and shed a tear, which he claimed to have never done before.

• The well Haemi reference to, symbolizes falling into prostitution. That's why Jongsu's mother knows about it too, since it's quite obvious she's now an escort. But she states the well is dry, as a way of saying that it's not how easy and fun it might seem.

• This is just the tragic story of a boy who's lost every possible source of love. From his father in jail, his mother who abandoned him, to the only girl that ever showed him affection disappearing, and a new friend who he decides to kill.

• Ben is Death or maybe the devil personified. He helps Haemi get the courage to end it one for all, and even pushes Jongsu to kill, cursing his soul.

[beabee-reads]

Book Review: Conveniently Convicted by Ivy Asher, Raven Kennedy

Read: 19.07.2021 - 20.07.2021

Warning: Massive spoilers ahead. I'll also be talking/mentioning some questionable behavior/gigantic red flags.

TWO STARS

Let me just start this review by saying: If you're going into this and expecting a serious story, with serious topics taken seriously, you've already failed, and will turn up disappointed even before the ride has ended. If you're only here to find out about what to expect, I'll spare you my ramblings, long story short: Girl get sold off to alpha, evades by landing in jail, MOMMY ISSUES, finds prison guard to fuck, really cringe/boring sex scenes, gets released from jail, the guard was actually the alpha all along, they have sex, she forgives him, WHOOP WHOOP they live happily ever after. So yeah, the book is shallow, immature, childish and CRUDE. The love interest is also a seriously self-centred bastard, who only stands there, and watches when the heroine is being beat up, without stepping in and helping her out.

Now, to my more positive ramblings, because I personally did NOT, go into this with high expectations. I started this book out on a relatively positive note; by listening to Freaking Me Out by Ava Max (which is a *chef's kiss* song by the way). Not to mention, I was avoiding my room, because a wasp had decided to come visit, and I'm the type of graceful host which doesn't want to offend their guest by suggesting where the nearest exit is. So instead, I was the one who vacated the premises. Also, can I just mention how 'Bounce' being the first word I read, had me grinning an excessive amount? Which I'm pretty sure also made my mom and dad start to wonder about my current mental health state.

On Goodreads this book is tagged as a Reverse Harem, which it totally isn't. There's only one love interest, and it stays that way throughout the whole story. It's a shifter romance, and kudos to the author, who decided to write about a mythical creature that I've honestly never heard about before reading this, instead of taking the usual route and writing about werewolves. The heroine, our dear Sinclair, is that type of nutty character with the type of behavior that is absolutely ridiculous. They seem to constantly be on crack, and they NEVER take ANYTHING seriously. I love these types of characters (to an extent), but the consequence is often that it makes my expectations of the story to take a huge nosedive.

If I'm being completely honest, and this might come off as a little mean, I think it's lazy writing. The character has no personality, other than being weird and quirky. Which is fine, if that's what you like, and again, I DID say this isn't really the best book to take seriously. I would, however, like to see a more severe reaction in the scene where Sinclair finds out that Rook is the Alpha she's been trying to run from the entire time. Like, cmon dude... I'd figure you'd be at least a little bit peeved, considering he LIED to you about WHO he was. If not, then maybe for the fact that he maybe... um, oh I don't know, BOUGHT YOU??

The kind of stupid behavior/humor and thought process the characters had in this book, made me CACKLE. Again... it's just so stupid, and absolutely wonderful.

I cock my head, looking him up and down. He’s wearing some major stealth clothes, all black, armored, and uber boring. He’s tall and damn scary looking, with a wicked scar down his left cheek. “Cut yourself shaving?”

"Our asses deserve better than these,” I say, holding up one of the plain pairs of underwear that we’re all issued to prove my point. “These are sad, and I’m here to make sure no one has to go through panty shame ever again.”

Gigantic applause right there.

The first sex scene in the book was... well, it just was. Let's just say I skipped reading through a lot of it, because it started at a level of ridiculousness where it was hilarious, but soon got to a level where it's just depressing, and second-hand embarrassment is going to be your companion for the rest of your stay, while reading this book. Why the chips, man? WHY.

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[moons-of-firdaws]

Huh, I wasn't aware of the anti-black connotations these words may have.

As non-diaspora, usually, when I comment on that or say something along the lines of the previous statement, "usamericans have it way better than third world countries" 9 times out of 10 what i mean is in terms of accessibility and facilities.

For example, I live in a port city in my country. Its no where near a rural area. In fact it's the country's trade centre (think like new york to usa), and basically the 2nd 'best' (in terms of infrastructure, education, urbanisation, facilities etc) city after the capital. There isn't a single therapist in this city. Or anywhere near it for that matter. Actually, mental health professionals in general are none existent. Forget options, there's none.

And that's only one example.

American education is nutritiously bad, and the internet complains about it all the time. Very understandably. I can clearly see why. But here's the thing, we pay up to $5000 (U.S. dollars) at the least, to get the same quality of education an American public school has. And my country isn't the only one. (I have no illusions that the lacking quality of our own education in our public schools isn't by design because it sure as hell is. It's an extension of western imperialism and classism both when the only way to get a 'good' education is by having to pay thousands of dollars to private international schools so you can study/graduate under a SAT / IB / IGCSE system. but that's a separate topic for another time — even tho yes, americans do have it better because they benefit off the privilege american imperialism affords them).

Usually it's just us desperately trying to get Americans to understand the immense amount of privilege they have, esp so when that privilege is gained via an extension of u.s. imperialism.

That... went away from me a little bit. Back to more of the Main Point? If I even had one????

But yes.

As non-usa non-diaspora what I think of when I'd say things along the lines op mentioned is this. I don't think much of us are aware of the anti-black connotations these words may have (unless the person is being deliberately racist) bcs this is a western-distinctive version of it, I think (not to say we don't have anti-blackness, or that it doesn't exist elsewhere. Because it 100% definitely does. Anti-blackness is a universal issue. It just 'looks' / 'manifests' differently in different places?/counties? bcs of different cultural & societal contexts). However, it is important we be made aware of it, so we may avoid perpetuating it via, say, reblogging (?) a similar post that may have anti-black iterations / undertones in it.

i understand that you people will see the words "usamericans have it way better than third world countries" and wince because of how often the word usamerican has been used to mean black people but i proooomise some critique of the western world is like. Fair. stop getting your panties in a twist whenever a south american or an asian person or an african person or. Anyone not diaspora judges the first world 😕