#but they have very similar symptoms so i kinda just view them as one thing)

[swordsonnet]

note to body: one chronic illness is more than enough. we don't need more

[somewhereinthepines]

i was wondering what do you think about the possibility of charlie and du'met working together? they did tease about it after all!

(warning: possible spoilers for the game) 

well, to address this, i think, that i fist kinda have to bring up some interesting canon details here, such as that charlie was prob supposed to get abducted before the dinner. like. we saw du'met looming behind his back, when erin was away and charlie was too busy being bitchy about his smokes getting stuck inside the machine to notice, that he was no longer alone. without context, that scene was a bit strange. bc why would du'met even bother to show up, if he wasn't about to do anything? the camera zoom on charlie's back, low-key suggested, that du'met was about to touch/grab him, but had to retreat, once he heard erin coming back. she had managed to cockblock scare him away. 

but now ah, what would have happened, if du'met did snatched charlie away in time? it would have looked like not only du'met (morello) hadn't shown up to dinner, but charlie too. the rest of the crew would probably be like hm, that's odd :/ and it would progress from there. like, erin hearing the fake message, or her dying later and writting that 'it's charlie'. after that, everyone would have been all like fuck charlie is in on this. what a bitch. and the thing is that it's seems to be fairly easy for them to buy this theory too. which says smth about charlie, but more about how the others see/view him. i mean, jamie can call him a sociopath earlier in the game, which isn’t fully undeserved tbh. charlie does show some latent symptoms of it. and then,

even mark says this. mark, who is supposedly the closest thing, that charlie has to a friend. but even he's all like well, charlie kinda doesn't have super strong moral compass, but he's not a murder. and it's as good of an argument as any, but then again, if charlie was working with du'met, he doesn't necessarily has to kill anyone directly. he can just be there to 'record' the events. i know what mark meant by that, but while charlie might not bring himself to kill someone directly, who said, that he can’t get someone else to do it for him? 

besides,

charlie is clearly into that kind of men lol. disturbing behavior doesn't seem to turn/warn him off. as well, as the fact, that no one knew how du'met had any leak about what topic their future ep should be about. it's easy to imagine the crew deciding, that charlie had found means to contact him about it by himself, and that he wanted to make a deal to save his show. to get famous. the very fact, that they can even as much as CONSIDER this as truth, welp...it means, that charlie doesn’t strike them as the most stable person. and that perhaps, there was a reason or a few, why they find it possible for him to get into bed with an actual serial killer this time.

tho, this is where the canon wise, it would have got interesting. since as we know, charlie clearly wasn’t involved in this. he just helped du’met to get his crew on the island, but with no ill-intent in mind. yet, du’met seem to view it differently. so much so, that 

in one of charlie’s possible death scenes, he got as far as to do that. and it’s so oddly personal. he marks charlie as his complicit. but why didn’t morello for example get a similar treatment? from what we know, morello also played in du’met’s hand. he also dragged him family there, despite his wife being creeped out by the place. so in a way, he’s a complicit to du’met’s crime as well. esp later on. but it seems, like du’met simply slashed his throat open. no showing skin. no word carved into his chest. so honestly, why du’met was so strangely obsessed with this specific idea, a fantasy plot almost, that he wanted for the team to think, that charlie was on his side, the whole time? was it just to mess with them? but if so, why this? why put SO much work into smth, that might not even reach the culmination, if he’d manage to kill most of the crew members toward the end? is this some sort of showing their (du’met’s & charlie’s) kinship? or is this an actual pang of possivness, maybe? 

i mean, i know that i have a shipping agenda here, but du’met’s interest in charlie is objectively intriguing. he did so many disturbing & twisted things just for this man, that it almost feels like a tribute to ‘this could have been us, but you’ meme. esp bc as far as canon goes, it does feel like du’met was throwing, that wrench of ‘charlie is my crime partner’ just due to his own personal desire. like he wanted to roleplay such a scenario or smth. it’s his castle after all. he can do whatever he’s wanna. but mmm, if he’d abducted charlie earlier in the game, i wonder, if it would have been done just to keep him inside the cell the whole time. and then, maybe force him to take morello’s place? bc i mean, charlie would have done it, even without hostages. he would have agreed to do it a few times in the row, just to keep himself alive. this one, i don’t really have much doubt on.

in a way, it might be a bit of a karma, that everyone would think the worst about charlie. but if your co-workers assume, that you might help a serial killer, mmm, i wonder if you need to either reflect on your attitude or get a new co-workers lol. one of the two. bc i mean, imagine having the worst day in your entire life, only for a dude, who you’ve been maybe/sort of friends with, to ask you,

*insert a meme oof sound here* 

anyhow, back to an actual question about charlie possibly working with du’met. well, i find it intriguing to think about. esp if charlie had a morbid interest in such things, and then, he happened to actually met a person, who kills other people for real. and who is somewhat friendly toward him, for whatever reason. du’met seemed to be lurking on some shabby website about the serial killers or smth, so charlie could most likely met him there. on a dark web, and they just found how they can possibly help one another. charlie would get a documentary, that would outstand any other one, and du’met will get more victims. it’s such an easy win/win. it also would make it somehow more sinister, if du’met agreed to carry out all of the murders alone, and charlie could just idk, sit there and look pretty lol. indirect killing of your ‘friends’ ohh, how morbid, mister lonnit! asking du’met to kill your crew in such breathless tone too...oh, so naughty!! but for real du’met made that fake tape sound so low-key sexy for no reason at all 

in conclusion, they could have been a murder husbands, but the supermassive can only tease with these things. though, personally, i’m glad that they haven’t went there in canon. it leaves a lot place for ‘improvement’, and actually figuring out a way, where charlie might come to see things from du’met’s side. charlie has a good probility to be a con-man tbh. he was already commiting little crimes in the begining of the game as well as not understanding things like personal bondaries and such. so why not let him take it a step further, even if in a theory? it took hector munday to met just one ‘wrong’ person to finally snap. can’t see, why this can’t be the same for charlie, y’know? 

[ghostfacetheballfondler]

hi, i appreciate you asking people with npd about our own experiences

i'll put some kinda messy stuff i wrote under a read more.

if you have any other questions about my experiences, feel free to ask

how i act:

i try to act polite, kind, friendly, sociable to people who i want to care about me. i want everyone everyone to love me, really. so i do a lot to make sure people do.

i'm pretty charming. i unintentionally flirt with people(but then when i realize i'm doing it, i don't stop because i want people to fall in love with me)

to people i don't know at all/don't like? i act cold to them. i don't want them in my life so why would i interact with them?

to my friends, i get possessive over them. i used to manipulate my friends into handing me personal mental health information and write down my observations to try to encapsulate their entire essence so i would know everything about them. because i viewed them kinda like fictional characters for my entertainment. i would also use it as blackmail to make them do whatever i wanted, if it ever came to that point.

if someone didn't want to tell me that info, i'd get *really* upset (privately though).

i don't do that anymore, and i deleted my documents i had written down.

now, i'm still very possessive over certain friends. i pride myself on being a great listener, who's easy to talk to. and since a lot of my closest friends know about my npd, i can straight up ask them for praise or to know how they perceive me.

for a former friend, i would ask him to actually worship me at times too. i'm a little shy of asking my current friends for that though, lol. cuz it can easily make me delusional and i know some people don't wanna deal with that stuff.

the whole me being open about my npd and not masking much online doesn't mean i don't manipulate my friends for supply. there have been times where i've taken advantage of some friends going through hard times to both get praise and to know how they perceive me. i won't lie and say i feel sorry or guilty over it though. it was just a thing i did.

how i think:

one of my deepest fear is that i'm nothing special. that i'm easily replaced by anyone else. that i don't matter.

i get possessive about how i look. my haircut and my clothing style is an intrinsic part of my identity.

if i see someone with a similar haircut/clothes, i go into defensive mode, and despise them on the inside. i'll act kinda rude to them if i'm forced to interact. or maybe i'll have better control and be nice. but if they don't react to my kindness in the way i want, that just solidifies that they're a terrible person trying to steal my identity.

this is similar to how i interact with some people who aren't threatening my sense of identity. if i compliment someone and they don't act grateful enough, i hate them.

i fit myself into communities to feel special, but then at the same time, purposely outcast myself partially from those communities to feel more unique. "i'm not like *those* people, i'm more special. i do x and they do y" or "i'm the only person in this community who doesn't relate to this, which means i'm better than them all" kinds of thinking.

morality to me, isn't real. its a tool to use to get whatever you want. i only believe in morality when it proves beneficial to me. i also have trouble grasping certain positions based on morals too sometimes. this is also partially an autism thing too.

i'm a huge hypocrite lol. which is very funny because i think its fine for only me to be a hypocrite.

how i cope:

i cope by. well. trying to keep my toxic emotions on the inside or let them out in an environment where they can't hurt anyone. doesn't always work lol. but it works most of the time, so its fine.

i'm beginning to unmask some of my npd symptoms in public too, mostly my need for praise. people are actually pretty accommodating for this, so its really good

when a narc crash is coming on, i try to trick my brain so i don't go through one. i start ranting about something/someone i hate, and the inferiority i feel will turn into superiority over the thing i used.

Hey, NPD people!

Can someone explaine narcisisstic personality disorder in neutral way??

Because when I look on the internet for informations, I only find how people with narcissism are toxic and manipulating and evil and I should stay away from them.

But I know this is not true.

All I want is to understand

How people with it act, think, and all, how you deal with it

I will be thankfull for any information!!

[let-them-read-fics]

Blackpink Reaction To Their S/O Struggling W/ Drug Addiction

Warnings / Misc. -- ⚠️ Sensitive Topic ⚠️, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff

A/N: Hey everyone! This request covers a sensitive topic that I haven't been personally exposed to, but I hope that I do it justice. I did my best to handle it with care and be as realistic as possible. Let me know what you think!

PS -- I didn't specifically name any substances or describe them in too much detail; I wanted to leave you room to picture whatever you had in mind, especially if you happen to be struggling irl.

👩 Also, I wrote this as Fem!Reader because nothing was specified. I hope that's alright, anon! Thank you for your patience :)

♡ Happy Reading ♡

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

Jisoo

Discovered it after a few weeks of dating

She's amazing at reading people, so she had sensed that you were struggling with something; she just didn't know what. 

She wanted to wait for you to tell her about whatever it was, but one fateful day she witnessed something that explained it all. 

It wasn't meant to happen; she wasn't meant to see you like this. But, as fate would have it, Jisoo stumbled across something she never saw coming. 

Her footsteps grow louder as she walks her way through the house, peeking her head into various rooms in search of you. The two of you invited some of your mutual friends over, and they've all been curious as to where you slipped away to earlier.

"Baby, are you in here? Everyone's wonder--" 

The sound of the latch clicking out of place makes your heart drop and sets you into motion. Before you have enough time to fully react, though, Jisoo opens the bathroom door to find you sitting on the ground, attempting to shove a foreign substance into a plastic baggy. 

Your hands make quick work of moving it out of view and sitting up on your knees, but she picks up on what's going on. Her eyes land on the material as you shift it behind your body, looking up at her with wide eyes. 

"Jisoo--" Tears are already beginning to work their way into your eyes, slightly blurring your vision. Too many people have walked out on you after witnessing this, and the thought that she might go too is overwhelming. 

She keeps her tone level as she steps into the room and quietly shuts the door behind herself. "Y/N, please explain yourself." 

"I-I'm sorry Jisoo, I should've told you sooner." You shakily say, bringing a hand up to swipe away the few tears that've already leaked out. It's not usually like you to get so emotional so quickly, but seeing the pained look on her face is reason enough. 

"Come here," she utters, plopping down next to you and pulling you up against her body as she leans back on the side of the tub. Her fingers rub soothing circles on your back while you rest your head on her shoulder, lightly dampening the material of her shirt with your tears. "I'm not mad at you for this, but I need you to tell me about it. I want to help you, my love. I can't watch you hurt yourself like this." 

"Okay. Just promise you won't go," you softly say, the syllables of your words breaking here and there from the raw emotion you feel. 

"I'm not going anywhere, Y/N." She presses a light kiss to your temple for reassurance, and her heart breaks when she feels your hands grip at her clothes out of habit. How many times have people told you that and still left you in your time of need? She cradles you in her arms, realizing just how fragile you are in your current state, and tells you to take your time. 

With a steadying breath, you begin to explain your struggles. 

Road To Recovery

Constant check-ins

"Hey honey, we're at the studio now. Are you taking care of yourself for me?"

Helps you deal with the symptoms of withdrawal when they hit

Focuses on distraction and redirection as ways to help you cope

If you're at a party and feel tempted after seeing someone use, she leads you away to distract you from the urge

Helps you find safe alternatives 

Celebrates the little victories

"Yes, Y/N, 4 and a half weeks clean is plenty reason to celebrate. Now mark it on the calendar and get over here so I can put this hat on you." 

Playdates at your local dog café to keep your mind occupied (and bringing Dalgomie so he can make new friends, of course)

Takes you indoor skydiving. She wanted to find a way to give you an adrenaline rush while still being able to participate with you, so that was a happy medium. She battled her fear of heights to do that with you.

Not letting you lose hope if you relapse

"You're not a burden, and I'm not letting you give up on yourself. Not after all the progress you've made. I believe in you." 

Accompanying you to rehab and recovery meetings, if you want her to

Bringing you your favorite snacks and candies when she picks you up

"I got you a little something," she smiles, leaning over the center console of the car to kiss your cheek. "You deserve a treat, baby." 

Whenever you decide to tell everyone about your struggles and recovery journey, she's right next to you for support 

Spends all the time she can with you

Early on, she would get really worried when you missed her calls or took a while to respond, but eventually she got over her fears to some degree

Still checks up on you when she's away for work

"Sorry for missing your call, Chu. Dalgom tried to kill me when I was giving him a bath and I couldn't get to the phone in time." 

Overall, just a very proud girlfriend who sticks by you no matter what

After You've Recovered

Annual "recovery party" to commemorate your sobriety 

Sometimes you invite the girls and your other friends, and sometimes you prefer to just spend the day at home with Jisoo

"Look at how far you've come, my love. I'm so proud of you."

♡♡♡♡♡

Jennie

She would be the only one who figured it out on her own. She picked up on the signs fairly quickly and always subtly helped steer you away from any potentially tempting situations

If you two watched a movie that happened to have a triggering scene in it, she always noticed how you'd look away and subconsciously tense up a bit

"Hey, babe. This movie's kinda boring; why don't we watch that new Netflix documentary instead?" 

If the two of you were invited to parties that were likely to have a bunch of alcohol and drugs, sometimes she'd try to suggest staying in or doing something else instead

You eventually caught on to her diversion attempts, and sat down with her to have a talk. 

"How long have you known?" You ask, pulling your legs up towards your chest as you sit back against the headboard of your California King. 

"A few weeks," she starts, running a brush through her hair until it's untangled. Her damp locks stick to her shoulders as she approaches you, some strips slightly drier than others. "Were you ever gonna tell me?" She inquires softly, facing you as she sits down beside you on the bed. 

"Of course, Jen. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner, I just… I was on my own with it before you. I didn't have anyone to turn to because everyone left once they found out." Your confession makes her chest ache -- it's a physical, honest pain that she feels as she imagines you battling such an unforgiving foe with no one in your corner. She places a warm hand on your thigh to comfort you, knowing just how much her touch helps when you're upset. "Hey, it's okay. There's no point in worrying about that now. I know it's hard to open up, babe, so thank you for doing this. I'm here to listen, alright?"

"Thank you, Jennie. I don't know what I'd do without you." 

"You'll never have to know, either, because I'm staying right here." 

"I love you," you whisper, leaning forward to press a kiss to her lips. 

"I love you, too," she sighs against you, preparing herself for the emotional night you're about to have. For now, she takes a moment to just pull you into her arms and rest her forehead against yours, finding comfort in your steady heartbeat. 

"We'll start whenever you're ready." 

Road To Recovery

Makes various arrangements to ensure that the media won't know of your struggles

Keeps things on lock, especially if you decide to remain private on the matter and not tell the world

If you make a public statement about it, she still does everything she can to keep you protected from the negativity. She knows first hand how tough it can be to deal with, so she never lets you face it alone

You both help each other work through things

"You're my rock, Y/N/N." 

"And you're my world, Jen."

Takes care of you during bouts of withdrawal 

Sings to you to calm you down and help you relax

Takes you to theme parks and rides all the big coasters with you so you can get a similar high that you did from the drugs. She gets to be clingy with you and spend the day having fun, so she doesn't mind it, and you enjoy it just the same.

Suggests fun activities for you to do together 

"We should visit that pottery place tomorrow! I've heard a lot of good things about it." 

You stick close together when you're in public, especially when paparazzi are near

Your presence helps with her anxiety, and you hold her close and tell jokes to keep her attention off of it

Random surprise celebrations waiting for you when you get home

"Hey Jen, I'm home." You announce, shrugging your coat off before hanging it up on the metal rack next to the front door. 

"In here," she calls from the kitchen, effectively pulling you in with that sweet voice of hers. When you reach the doorway and peek in, a dumbstruck smile slowly parts your lips as you see the set up she constructed. 

"Happy 3 Weeks" a multicolored banner reads, displaying the phrase above your dining room table where Jennie sits. "Surprise, honey," she says softly, glancing down at the cake she made for you as she scoots it closer. You approach the table and examine it, practically feeling your heart grow 10 sizes from the love you hold for your girlfriend. 

"Is this why you left practice early?" 

"Mhm," she nods, kissing your cheek before she reaches into a small gift bag next to her chair. "I'm so proud of you," she grins, sliding a thin, glittery headband into your hair. It has two springs attached to the top that bounce in every direction possible, surely making you look like a dork. 

"God, I love you." 

"You'd better keep that same energy after trying the cake. I think I might've added too much baking soda…"

You shake your head and pull her in, pressing kiss after kiss to her lips until she's grinning just as hard as you. 

Going on adventures with Kuma and Kai

Especially to dog parks and other national parks 

Helps you fill things out for rehab and doesn't let you get too stressed about it

Helps you regain confidence in yourself if you relapse

"This isn't the end, Y/N. You're strong, I know you can beat this."

Is right next to you through it all

After You've Recovered

Go on an annual vacation to get away from everything and celebrate your sobriety. You take the opportunity to escape the media and reconnect with each other

"Where to this year, Y/N? Bora Bora, maybe?"

Intimate celebration between the two of you on vacation, and then the girls throw you a party when you come back

♡♡♡♡♡

Rosé

You were really good at hiding your secret from people -- especially those that you care about most. You're always afraid that once they find out, they'll pack up and leave. 

Rosé was one of the first to actually stay

She had been fairly oblivious to your struggles since you masked that side of yourself well, but one day the two of you attended a little get-together at your old friend's house, and your dirty laundry was aired.

"Bro, come on, let's play Truth or Dare!" One of your old friends says, perking up at the fact that he remembered the game even existed. He's already a little tipsy, but so are some of the others. 

"I don't know, dude," you hesitantly start, missing the way that Rosé curiously raises a brow beside you. 

"Come on, we'll keep it tame." Another person adds from the couch opposite you, their voice low. You recognize her as Cho, a sort of frenemy from your high school years. Something doesn't sit right for you with the hint of mischief that shines in her eyes, but your friends' pleas eventually push the feeling away and you relent. 

"Fine, but if Austin gets dared to do some dumb shit like last time I'm dropping out." 

"Like what?" 

"Like what?" You ask back, disbelief evident in your voice. "Are you forgetting the fact that I had to bail you out after you got arrested for streaking down the neighborhood?" 

"Okay, fair point," Austin holds his hands up in surrender. "Just a few rounds." 

--

As everyone's once boisterous laughter finally dies down into quiet chuckles, you turn to Rosé for a quick kiss. She reciprocates and holds you there for a few more seconds, loving the way your lips feel against her own. As you brush your nose against hers and garner a sweet giggle from her, Cho interrupts the moment with a phrase that makes your blood run cold. 

"So, Rosé, has Y/N told you about the time she got arrested for drug possession? Word on the street is that she still can't shake her old habit..." 

Rosie feels the way you tense up at the question and pull away from her, cringing at the exposure you just received. The room goes silent, enabling a pen to be heard if it were dropped. 

"Hey," Austin goes to defend you, about to yell at her for bringing up such a difficult topic. 

"It's fine, Austin," you say, sticking your hand out in front of him to keep him from approaching her. The last thing you want right now is a screaming match about your struggles. 

Rosie finally speaks up after what feels like an eternity, turning to Cho to say, "No, but that's none of your business. And I strongly advise that you don't speak on her name like that again." She cuts her eyes at the other girl, sending an icy glare at her to show that she's serious before giving her attention to you again. 

When a few tense moments pass with no one really saying anything, Jackson, the host, speaks up. "I think you need to go, Cho." 

"Ah, what a shame. The fun was just starting," she mockingly pouts, stopping next to you on her way out the door. Rosé strokes the back of your hand to soothe you, tracing mindless patterns with her thumb until your shoulders relax and you look into her eyes. With Cho now gone, your friends decide to go out into the backyard and give the two of you some time to clear things up. 

"So, I guess we should talk." You start, pulling your legs up onto the couch to sit criss-cross. She studies the way that you begin to nervously fidget and drop eye contact, and the sight breaks her heart. 

"Your past is your past, Y/N, and I won't ever judge you for it. I wish she wouldn't have brought it up like that -- I really wish she didn't," she says, emphasizing the word to remind you of how upset she is with Cho, "But I can tell that you're still struggling. I want to help you get better, and I'll be here with you every step of the way, babe. You mean the world to me." She smiles sadly, trying not to think of how much it would hurt to lose you. 

"Okay," you breathe out, accepting the honest help that she's extending to you. You've been burned and lied to in the past, but you trust Rosé to stay true to her word and assist you on the hard journey laid out before you. "Let's start from the beginning," you say, preparing yourself to retell your struggles from the moment they began all those years ago. 

Road To Recovery

Takes care of you when withdrawal hits hard

Isn't afraid to take the day off if it's bad enough and she needs to

"Hey, Teddy. Tell everyone that I'll be staying home today, okay? I've already let the girls know, too." 

Reassurance to the max

"You're doing amazing."

Is your shoulder to cry on when times get tough

On a weekend trip, the two of you snuck away to the beach to go cliff diving. It was a thrilling experience, and you'll always remember that day with her

Helps you find healthier alternatives to your addiction that can make the transition easier until you fully recover

"Baby, look at this." She says, repositioning her laptop so that you can see what she's looking at. The two of you are sitting on the bed, and her legs are stretched out over yours. "These herbs are safe to smoke and they can help with a lot of your troubles. These over here," she says, pointing to a section of the screen, "help with stress and anxiety. They make it easier to relax." You nod, logging the information in your brain as you run a hand over her smooth skin to keep yourself calm. It's a habit that both of you love. "Thank you, Rosie. Nobody's ever done anything like this for me." You say, keeping your head down as you remember all the people that have left you behind in your time of need. 

"You'd do the same for me, and I'm happy to be here for you." She declares, holding one of your hands within both of her own. She cradles it delicately, just like she does your heart. "I'll do whatever it takes to make you feel my love. I'm not going anywhere, babe." She leans in, connecting your lips in a sweet kiss. 

Keeps your spirits up if you relapse

"You're not a failure, Y/N/N. This is just a setback, and we're going to get through it together."

One of her friends told her about a fun art class that's supposed to help people in recovery let go of some of their resentment and negative feelings, so she brought it up and you agreed to go

It was structured in two parts:

Part 1: Everyone went out to an old car lot that had various old vehicles, electronics, and other things to smash up. Once you let loose and relieved some of your tension, you collected scraps of the things you destroyed.

Part 2: With the scraps you brought back, you were told to create any type of artwork you wanted -- whatever felt right. Collage, graffiti, scrapbook, etc. At the end of the class, you were informed of the driving message behind it: Though the negative feelings and aversions you dealt with in the past may have left you feeling broken, you never really were -- you've always had the power to piece yourself back together and continue on.

After You've Recovered

Taking a month off work every year to travel and experience new things together. Usually consists of going to another city (or even country) and exploring their art museums and other artistics outlets 

The new experiences help remind you off all the reasons you want to stay sober, and they help her have new material for her songs

Lots of pictures and drawings to remember all of your adventures

Collect trinkets to hang up / display, especially around the holidays

The girls have a special celebration waiting for you when you return

♡♡♡♡♡

Lisa

She could tell something was wrong when your behavior started to change over the course of a couple weeks

She suspected other things, but after finding a substance in your bag while on a vacation trip, she was blind sided by the reality of the situation

"Hey Lis, have you seen my swimsuit?" You casually ask, strolling into your hotel bedroom in search of the item. "I thought I left it--"

Your words catch harshly in your throat, nearly making you choke from how quickly you cut yourself off. She's sitting on the edge of the bed with the baggy in her hands, and tears brim in her eyes. 

"Fuck," you wince, closing your eyes as you put your face in your hands. "You weren't supposed to find out like this."

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asks, staring straight ahead, though her eyes don't focus on anything in particular. Knowing you hurt her is bad enough, but seeing her like this makes the pain even more evident. 

"I was going to, I promise. But I've been trying to wean myself off of it," you begin to explain, slowly walking across the room until you're in front of her. You squat down and put your hands on her thighs, staying quiet until she meets your gaze. "I've tried to quit cold turkey in the past but it didn't go down well. I figured I could handle this on my own and not get you involved."

"Baby, I want to be involved. You've been different lately, and having you shut me out didn't help ease my fears. I want to be a part of this, okay? You can turn to me when you feel alone," she says through the occasional tears that roll down her cheeks, "It's my job to help you and keep you safe. So let me," she crouches down next to you as she says the last part, wrapping her arms around you when she notices your lip tremble. "I'm not gonna let this get between us," she says against your shoulder, reminding you of how strong her love for you is. 

"I'm sorry I waited so long," your words are muffled against her shirt, but she can hear how the emotion in them changes your voice slightly. 

"We have to start somewhere, and this is just as good a time as any. I'm right here, Y/N/N."

Road To Recovery

Sweet texts and reminders throughout the day

"Hey baby, have you eaten today? The girls and I miss you like crazy." 

--

"Don't forget about your check-up tomorrow. I already told my manager that I'll be taking the day off, so I'm all yours 😉"

--

"*image attachment* Question: Do you think Lego would look cute in this or do you think Lego would look cute in this? Because he WOULD." 

Stargazing trips to talk about how far you've come

Making treats for the cats together if you have a bad day

Sometimes your withdrawal leaves you with weird cravings, but she never hesitates to race to the store at any hour and snatch up your favorite treats

Learning how to cook together to keep you occupied and give you a hobby (plus she's always wanted to get better at it)

“If you fling that at me, I swear to God I'll--”

"Oops!"

"LISA!" 

Day trips to random parks and open locations to have little photoshoots when she has free days

Once took you bungee jumping for the experience and adrenaline rush

Bringing you into the studio if you're having a hard time and don't want to be alone

Always listens to you and shows how much she cares

Opts out of events if she suspects that drugs will be there to tempt you (considering you're always her plus one)

You still send her to enjoy herself at the events without you sometimes, though it does take a lot to convince her to leave you at home

"Okay, okay! But we're binging that new show when I get back." 

Makes you laugh often and cheers you up when you need it most

She's your sunshine

After You've Recovered

Considering that you're her muse and she's the artist that she is, she hatched a plan early on to document your journey to recovery

"One more, babe. Just like that." She instructs, holding the camera up to her eye one final time. "Perfect." 

"Alright, close your eyes and turn around." She commands while returning to the coffee table that sits in the middle of your living room. Her hands make quick work of putting the finishing touches on her gift for you while you patiently sway and hum to whatever song is stuck in your head at the moment. 

"Annnnnd done!" She shouts, approaching you with a wide smile tugging at her lips as she holds the book out in front of herself. "It's a photo album. I started it the day you told me you wanted to try and get better," she says, smiling softly as she slowly walks you through the beginning pages of the book. "I thought it would be nice to see how far you've come," her eyes remain glued to the pictures she took as she continues flipping, and she fails to realize that you're staring at her now. 

"I'm so in love with you. I can't thank you enough, Lis. This is beautiful." You shake your head in quiet disbelief, genuinely surprised that someone would work so hard on something for you. It shouldn't be a surprise with her though, considering how much she loves you, but it still baffles you sometimes. 

"This gift only shows a fraction of my love for you, but I'm happy you like it. This is nothing, baby; there's so much more where this came from. Thank you for letting me in." She captures your lips in a meaningful kiss, and finds it hard to pull away. You seem to be her drug of choice, but neither of you care to end that sweet addiction.

Annual trips to photoshoots and fashion shows

Being her favorite model (seriously, she could look at you for hours on end)

Always feeling so loved and cherished, no matter what the two of you are doing

[aj28gaming]

Danganronpa messing up Nagito's character cuz apparently even they believe headcanons

Is it just me or is Danganronpa making Nagito worse?

Like at the start we have a socially intelligent and intuitive paranoid kid who hates despair and gets forced into a killing game that is filled with everything he hates and fears

So he clings desperately to hope as a coping mechanism to deal with everything

And then in the anime, we get a social outcast (for some reason even though people would've loved his hope talks like they did back in chapter 1 since no killing game happens and he is just speaking normally)

who bombs a school (forget his paranoia apparently) and nonchalantly allows himself to get out of the island and accidentally kill 40+ soldiers (again, ignoring his paranoia of his destructive luck cycle apparently)

And then in Danganronpa 2.5 we get a socially inept, clingy hope addict who apparently doesn't have boundaries?

(We seriously ignoring how much he pushes people away back in SDR2, is afraid of having friends due to his luck cycle, respects boundaries to the max, and how socially intelligent he is and his crazy empathy to know people's hopes and despairs?)

(And no even Mikan's motivations he understood, he knew she killed for despair because she literally killed for Junko, Mikan just says he doesn't understand because she doesn't count is as killing for despair, she counts it as killing for love)

And some of the fans defend this and says Nagito is hated or is supposed to have no boundaries because of his social ineptness or inability to properly socialize

Okay

WHEN?

WHEN HAS HE IN SUPER DANGANRONPA 2 ACTUALLY SUCKED AT SOCIALIZING OR WAS SOCIALLY INEPT OR OUT OF TOUCH?

NOT THE ANIME OR SPINOFFS, I AM TALKING ABOUT THE ACTUAL SECOND GAME WHERE HE FIRST SHOWED HIS FACE

DISCLAIMER: I AM NOW GONNA BASE ALMOST ALL OF MY POINTS ON HOW NAGITO IS AND ACTS DURING SDR2 AND THAT INCLUDES HIS FREE TIME EVENTS AND ISLAND MODE

NOT THE ANIME OR DANGANRONPA 2.5, JUST DANGANRONPA 2 GOODBYE DESPAIR

Bruh, the guy is hated sure, but boy was he awesome at being a people-person and gathering people during chapter 1

He encouraged everyone with his hope talks and Hajime even kept simping for the guy because of his positivity

And due to the guy's CRAZY HIGH EMPATHY AND UNDERSTANDING, he is able to understand the hopes and despairs of almost every freaking character

He knew Teruteru wanted to continue the culinary legacy and help his mom, that's his hope

He knew Imposter would want to protect everyone no matter what, that's his hope

He knew Mikan killed for Despair, that despair being Junko Enoshima

He knew Fuyuhiko's hope is Peko and that both of them care about each other very much

He knew how similar he and Hajime are and how they are both bystanders and lovers of Hope, for Hajime that Hope being Hope's Peak academy itself and/or having talent

The guy is crazy with how well he knows people, and he is definitely not socially inept at all

He respects boundaries, is able to read the room and the only time he seems socially inept is when he is either trying to purposefully annoy someone to get a reaction or when he is too obsessed with his ideas with hope

The guy is obsessed with hope, yes, but he is not socially inept

That is seriously downgrading how much empathy he has and how much understanding he has for every character

And Nagito does have empathy, the reason why it seems like he doesn't is because he treats the dead people like stepping stones for hope

He does have empathy tho, and too much that it takes a toll on his mental health whenever he sees dead bodies, so he clings to hope in order to cope and tries to pretend that it's okay if people die because there is always hope

(basically, deniability at it's finest)

It's not that the guy doesn't care, it's that he does a little too much

Which is why he laughs, laughing for him doesn't mean he is happy, it means he is surprised (he says this in island mode)

And seeing that his greatest fears are seeing people die constantly because of his luck cycle, wouldn't be surprised that he laughs like crazy in a literal killing game

And laughing out of stress or fear isn't unheard of, I mean there is also a thing called nervous laughter

And jesus christ, CAN PEOPLE STOP TRYING TO USE FRONTOTEMPORAL DEMENTIA SYMPTOMS TO EXPLAIN HIM?

What I mean is, yes he has dementia or is at least diagnosed with it

And I believe that he probably does actually have dementia (not saying he could've lied tho but he could've still been misdiagnosed)

But that doesn't mean he has all of the symptoms

I don't think we can confirm if he does or doesn't have dementia because he might just not have all of the symptoms

But I do know that using the symptoms to explain his character isn't a good idea especially since it usually undermines who he actually is

Like, let me explain

Behavior and/or dramatic personality changes, such as swearing, stealing, increased interest in sex, or a deterioration in personal hygiene habits

- No, and no not even when the killing game started. Yeah sure he laughs now, but that's no different from how he is normally since laughing for him is what he does when he gets surprised or stressed. He doesn't change much in the killing game, he still believes in hope and everyone else, still respects boundaries, still have crazy high intellect and empathy, still pushes people away

Socially inappropriate, impulsive, or repetitive behaviors

- not really, again the guy is a freaking gentleman even during the killing game. He respects boundaries, reprimands Teruteru for sexual assault during chapter 1, pushes people away and distances himself from others, isn't at all impulsive (usually quite the opposite really), and is usually planning and tries to remain calm and composed throughout the killing game (struggling tho cuz yeah killing game)

Impaired judgment

- here, I kinda disagree. I wouldn't say that Nagito is entirely in the right with everything he does, but I understand his views. The guy knows that no one is truly a bad person in the killing game because everyone was forced into it. He knows that even the blackened escapes and everyone dies, it isn't fully a bad thing because that means someone escapes and goes back home to their loved ones while the killing game ends

If a blackened succeeds, the despair would be of course everyone else dying and the blackened going through a lot of trauma, but the hope would be the end of the killing game and the blackened going home or to their loved ones or to their goal in life or whatever

If the blackened dies, the despair would obviously be the blackened dying and the killing game still continuing, while the hope would be everyone else still alive

Nagito isn't exactly wrong in wanting to help the blackened as well, of course, Nagito would want him himself to be the victim so another person gets a chance at escape and no one else would be the victim

Sadly for Nagito, that time never comes

Nagito doesn't want others to be killed, he wants to sacrifice himself instead as the victim instead of everyone else

Apathy

- .....big no. Nonononono. The dude is anything but apathetic.

"Apathy is a lack of feeling, emotion, interest, or concern about something."

Seriously, being a dude who is constantly supportive of everyone and their hopes in life and how passionate this dude gets about hope and despair, and the fact that he is the most stressed 24/7 about something bad happening due to his luck, this guy is seriously anything but apathetic

Lack of empathy

- No. If the guy truly lack empathy he wouldn't need to use Hope desperately as a coping mechanism, wouldn't care about the ultimates and their hopes and despairs, wouldn't constantly be thinking about helping the ultimates and overcoming despair, wouldn't be the most stressed out of everyone, and definitely wouldn't be in love with Hajime or even act the way he did in chapter 1

Decreased self-awareness

- You don't actually understand why you act the way you do.

A good indicator that you lack self-awareness deals with how well you understand your emotions, actions, and behavior. People who lack self-awareness often feel constantly off-kilter, anxious, or angry.

This is not Nagito at all. The guy understands his emotions and behaviors which is why he is able to do the things he does and is able to conduct plans based on how much he understands his own self and capabilities. The guy is actually the most self-aware out of everyone, he knows about how people don't understand him and constantly misunderstand him and his intentions, he is aware constantly of his inability sometimes to properly explain his goals to people.

The guy has a lot of self-awareness and isn't afraid to take responsibility for his actions. Actually, it's because of how self-aware he is of his own self and his destructive luck cycle that he constantly blames himself for anything bad that happens.

The guy is seriously self-aware as hell and it's scary sometimes

Loss of interest in normal daily activities

- Nope, he hasn't shown any sign of apathy towards anything and is usually pretty hyped about doing daily activities. He is paranoid though on the daily because he fears for what his luck cycle might do

Emotional withdrawal from others

- Emotional withdrawal involves bottling up your emotions. It involves cutting out the people who could help us, because we're so used to rejection that we've learned to anticipate it. Because we've learned to disconnect from others, we develop other unhealthy coping mechanisms

Emotional withdrawal is defined as pulling back emotionally or physically by bottling up your feelings or disconnecting from others. Emotional withdrawal can be far more complex at times. It is comparable to a breakup, in every way but physical.

Kind of? Yes, he pushes people away, but he is still willing to spend time with people, especially Hajime, when they really insist. He politely pushes people away, but he isn't opposed to hanging out with people either though it is sometimes rare

Loss of energy and motivation

- .... I already said it before, the guy is full of motivation and energy and passion that it is scary sometimes

Inability to use or understand language; this may include difficulty naming objects, expressing words, or understanding the meanings of words

-.....WHY IS THIS HERE? THE GUY IN THE JAPANESE DUB CONSTANTLY FLEXES HIS DAMN ENGLISH VOCABULARY DESPITE IT BEING A JAPANESE DUB

AND THE FUCKING ENGLISH WORDS HE USES ARE FANCY AND HIGH LEVEL AS FUCK THAT I FEEL SMART JUST READING THEM

Hesitation when speaking

- Definite no, the guy isn't afraid to voice his own opinions and never hesitates and can get very vocal about the things he is passionate about

Less frequent speech

- Again, definite hell no. I wouldn't be surprised if his voice lines are longer than the voice lines of everyone else combined

Distractibility

- Nope. The guy is focused on his goals constantly. No matter what he does, you can always be sure that it is for a certain goal. He pisses of Fuyuhiko? It was to get a reaction from him to confirm his suspicions about the true culprit. He lied about the rope? It was to see how Mikan would react and how the trial would go to confirm his suspicions about Mikan being the culprit?

The guy is focused like a damn soldier

Trouble planning and organizing

-.....do I seriously need to explain? This is Nagito we are talking about

Frequent mood changes

- Not really. He usually acts or reacts a certain way because something happened like someone died or something. He is actually pretty normal with how he acts and reacts and doesn't really change his mood rapidly that much

Agitation

- Yes and no? Sure the guy gets paranoid 24/7, but is still somewhat more chill than agitated to an extent. He is easy going and is just paranoid about what his luck would do, he is vigilant but not necessarily agitated

Increasing dependence

- No. The guy is independent to a fault and only relies on others when his plans call for it. He also usually does things of his own accord and rarely with a partner unless he really needs to or his goal is to help that person specifically, which knowing him is a usual thing

Unwillingness to talk

- Again, no. The guy talks a lot and while he pushes others away, he wouldn't turn down a conversation if the other person wanted one

Lack of inhibition or lack of social tact

- Again, no. The guy is a gentleman and respects boundaries and definitely gets stressed especially in the killing game. The guy is also paranoid 24/7 on a normal day due to his luck cycle

Obsessive or repetitive behavior, such as compulsively shaving or collecting items

- No? Sure he clings to hope but that is more of a coping mechanism. If he isn't in a stressful situation like a killing game he doesn't get that obsessive as much about hope since he doesn't need to desperately cling to it as a coping mechanism

Unusual verbal, physical or sexual behavior

- No? He isn't at all like this. It isn't unusual to panic or use a coping mechanism desperately when in a situation like a killing game, and he doesn't do anything unusual like this when it's a normal day. Sure the guy gets paranoid, but that's it

Weight gain due to dramatic overeating

- No? Actually, I don't really know how much weight he gains to be honest so idk

My main point here is, yes there is a chance Nagito does actually have dementia, but using the symptoms as a way to explain his character undermines who he actually is and can cause a lot of misunderstandings of his character

Especially since I remember being told that they only added in dementia to his character backstory a little late during his character development and creation

It isn't a good idea to use his symptoms because it usually gets his character wrong and sometimes makes them excuse a lot of the things he has done

The guy is self-aware, isn't socially inept, is a gentleman, and socially intelligent as hell

And I really hate how even Danganronpa itself seems to forget that

It's like they forgot who Nagito is, to begin with

[ranboo5]

Tbh while this is “controversial” (is it??! Idfk) I would love 2 hear your thoughts on like. The comparing and contrasts of ranboo and his dynamic with bench trio (tubbo and tommy) compared to boreal boys (techno and philza) because like. The differences between the two groups r both night and day and also... not? I think about em a lot and don’t have a good way with words but anything you’ve got is always welcome. (Personally I like both, with a slight bias to boreal trio- but I’m sendin an ask 2 you after all so. Go ham) -butchpuffy

Okay I’m gonna answer this in two bc I don’t know if u mean streamers or characters and I ASSUME u mean characters but it could be either sO 

Also this is going under the cut because I started analyzing comedy (all good things, all good things) and it got long because I’m an improv kid 

Streamers - 

I think the commodification of streamer dynamics to the point where the names become anything other than, well, shorthand for streamer combos you like to see is like, legitimately concerning and a symptom of one of my biggest problems with streaming as a cultural phenomenon in general. Like it’s literally the marketing of Hanging Out With Friends as a product and it’s :nervous:. Like at the end of the day these are just different vague configurationz of friends Ranboo hangs out with and I think like, reading into like Who He’s REAAAALLY Better Friends With or whatever is like. It’s literally just truthing. It is literally just truthing 

Howeverrr to partake in that commodification and view it as like, which combo of entertainers I personally would like to watch more as again an entertainment product I thiiink borealtrio has to take it, solely bc Technoblade fdhkfjsh. Like both groups are funny in different ways and are clearly all comfortable with each other so 

I will however now dissect some of how and why I think peerpressureduo and alliumduo in particular are funny because I love overthinking 

Peerpressureduo are great bc like. You really get 2 see the overlap between their mannerisms and more importantly their general joke style and let me goddamn tell you the effect Stacks. They both encourage this like, uncorpsing sarcastic yes-and in each other and it’s great they go for so much longer than either would be able to sustain independently whether that is this like sarcastic self-aggrandizement or judgement of other ppl/things around or black humor and exaggerated confusion. Bc of their similarities they mesh really well and bc of their differences they can keep it going for a while (Techno tends to be more prompting and Ranboo’s really good at yes-and) -- it’s fantastic and bc both of them tend to Sell their sarcasm really hard and rarely corpse or break character/sona during bits like this the effect is unrelenting. Like they just keep saying funny things and they don’t even flinch. My go-to example is the infamous 

Technoblade: On the bright side, we might have inflicted enough trauma onto this child for it to become funny. Ranboo: Ooooh, yeah, he could become a Minecraft YouTuber! 

Technoblade’s statement here is black humor carrying through the bit they have been doing lampshading how fucked up villager mechanics are, and this is kinda looking too far but he does also leave it open and explicitly includes his scene partner by saying “we” 

Ranboo’s response is literal textbook yes-and, and a very effective one -- he actively uses the information his scene partner gave him and carries it through+synthesizes it into a joke that follows directly from that, keeps the tone, and is also fridge self-deprecation in keeping with both the players’ general comedic brands  

Alliumduo meanwhile also have excellent improv chemistry but in a much less... I want to say less balanced but that has bad connotations. It is very much balanced but it’s less two-way and the way they work together is much more metalevel. It’s most pronounced in all their beef. Tommy has been noted to Throw For Content, and like to set himself up to get made fun of for comedy to a degree, and I’ve compared Ranboo’s dunking on ppl to like, retroactively setting people up -- like, you’re walking with him and pass through a revolving door and you should be moving with the door but without warning he grabs it to still it so you walk directly into the door, and he was definitely the one being (joke) mean to you but you still walked into it so you look like the clown. These obviously work  together really well esp bc Ranboo tends to be very good at not going too far and actually being mean and generally with like, reading How to yes-and a situation. So you get stuff like the infamous: 

Tommy: We don’t like you here. You’re not welcome. [...] Who would you say, Ranboo, is the better duo, me and Tubbo or you and Tubbo?  Ranboo: You know, based on how you’re acting on Twitter, I think you’re beginning to realize--  Tommy, crosstalk: FUCK YOU, BITCH--  Ranboo, with increased malice: I think you’re beginning to realize which is better!  

Tommy sets himself up for this both a) by acting in that exaggerated sadboy:tm: manner on Twitter (which he had been particularly doing at the time) and b) by this comment in and of itself. With the paradigm he’s set up, there is no way he would have gotten a flattering answer to this question. It’s also carrying through the jealousy bit in general and his brash no-thoughts-head-unspeakably-rude streamersona 

Usually dunking on ppl is bad improv, but why that is is bc it tends to shut people down, or disregard what they’ve said -- and Ranboo’s response here does neither! It’s another yes-and, though it’s harder to recognize: he is taking the gift his scene partner has given him and is fully carrying it through. By how Tommy’s been acting on Twitter, Tommy, intentionally or not, basically handed Ranboo this punchline through this question -- Ranboo picks up on this and, as he is wont to do, gracefully delivers 

The interruption also ends up working, not only bc it again keeps Tommy’s streamersona bit going but also bc it briefly interrupts Ranboo so he can repeat it while doubling down on the gleeful malice in his tone, so both Tommy’s persona and Ranboo’s acting+delivery gets to shine 

These are definitely not the only funny moments they have, and it doesn’t mention the dynamics they have with other members in the trios, but I had to rant abt these bc these are literally exemplary improv and I think it’s just. Delightful. The way I said it also makes it seem like they all like, Directly Thought This Out, and like they obviously didn’t, but like. They have clearly been doing enough comedic improv and working with each other that they have a feel for it; that’s how improv works, and this very like, deliberate-seeming breakdown is just a breakdown of how the responses they felt out worked well 

Tubbo and Philza are both iconic in their own rights in these dynamics too: Tubbo’s being terminally casual while also being immaddogimberserkimacyclepath.mp3 is fantastic both to Tommy’s more straightforward chaos and Ranboo’s Backhandedly Polite Yes-And, and Philza in the boreal dynamic is not just a great hypeman but also the #1 catalyst of incredible comedic hostility, to which Ranboo rises with no hesitation and to which Technoblade either joins in on effectively or reacts to balance out. I don’t have improv-analysis paragraphs for those (I admit the paragraphs up above are kind of canned ahdgdskjfhdfjds), but they are all very good together and both trio dynamics and all involved subdynamics tend to all be just well handled collaboration between competent entertainers

Characters - 

Okay, like in real life, benchtrio and borealtrio in character are just fundamentally different dynamics, and bc of this reality I don’t rlly feel like it works to call one like, better or more story interesting they just work differently; personally I find borealtrio more interesting, again, solely bc I have more investment in the characters involved. I don’t think either dynamic is less valuable, though full disclosure I am like, mildly bitter bc benchtrio is the default dynamic ppl draw Ranboo in and like... sobs... canon gives me nothing... fancontent does give me things but for every Syndicate/borealtrio/peerpressureduo content there are 50 benchtrio and [sobs]

Okay but in terms of story and in universe analysis, finally, which is what this ask was probably even sent in to solicit at all: 

Both benchtrio and borealtrio offer Ranboo different forms of solidarity, and they place him in different positions. They’re his current main support circles, and it’s good that he has both -- it places him in a better position than many on the server, and honestly probably the others in either dynamic 

In benchtrio, the solidarity is that of people who have been failed by authority that was previously trusted, which is why I think a lot of the fandom, which tends to skew younger, gravitates toward em. Tommy and Tubbo, even if you don’t consider ages canon, tend to read younger bc narratively their arcs have heavily relied on authorities they looked up to and trusted for guidance and protection failing them at that, in some way or another repeatedly, and benchtrio seems very narratively bent towards finding a replacement for a place for that trust with kind of a solidarity with people who have been similarly fucked over, and surviving that way, which is incredibly, painfully relatable to I think most of the ppl in our age group l m a o (me tf too. Sobs). Benchtrio’s friendship is based on just hanging out a lot, too, but is also based in mutual trauma and solidarity around disillusionment on a personal level. 

It’s also relevant to note that Ranboo is generally moreso in the comforter role in this dynamic, which isn’t a bad thing or stating that it’s like, necessarily unreciprocated or w/e, just an observation. Like you are going to have friends where you help them out actively more than vice versa, and it definitely makes sense with how private Ranboo is; either way Ranboo definitely holds himself as responsible for the other two members of benchtrio to a degree (again, not necessarily a bad thing). It’s just kind of a consequence of how their dynamics developed and how Ranboo sees them -- he’s always been moreso in that role (trading letters w/ Tommy in exile, supporting Tubbo while Tubbo was Going Thru It as a child president), and he’s just continuing that, comforting them both and grinding armor and stuff for them, etc 

In borealtrio, the solidarity is that of having explicitly been failed, marginalized, and ostracized by political systems, and of being victims of coercion to some degree. Like there’s a reason peerpressureduo are called what they are, and Philza’s whole thing with killing Wilbur and his treatment under NLM puts him there too; the same thing applies to Niki, but her dynamic w/ Ranboo is currently still in the “they haven’t talked since they fell out” area unfortunately. All their narratives have relied on being taken for granted and taken advantage of, as well as being ostracized or excluded systematically, and reclaiming power in the face of that (which personally I find. Deeply compelling and relatable afhsdkfj). Borealtrio also work together and share interests and investments unique to that dynamic (grinding+roadtrip streams+etc) that don’t show as much with benchtrio (who tend more to fuck around and find out kind of hanging out). Borealtrio’s unity is based around mutual trust and understanding as well as solidarity from similar/analogous trauma and disillusionment on a political level. 

In this dynamic, Ranboo is also in much less of a provider role. He is more occupied with being a guest than a responsible party, and to some degree trusts Technoblade and Philza to help him actively moreso than he lets on/allows to benchtrio; he’s disclosed to them things he’s worried about, including the voice and the enderwalk experiments to an extent. Bc he doesn’t see himself as responsible for their wellbeing to the same degree that he does his peers in benchtrio, he’s willing to let them in and let them help (or know smth’s up at all) more than he would for benchtrio, and they’re capable of offering that help. Not to say he doesn’t help back; he provides resources, shares powers, and helps Philza deal with his feelings abt Wilbur, but he never has the same vibe of like, I Have To Be The Support System he tends to have w/ benchtrio; here the support system tends to be more spread out/balanced and he will accept help and mentorship (or WOULD IF TECHNO LOGGED ON!!!) 

It is also important to note that Ranboo’s kind of on edge in both underlyingly, though for different reasons

In benchtrio it’s partially bc of aforesaid responsibility, and I would say w/ Tubbo it’s again partially because of the previous dynamics and the way they’ve been leveraged (stuff in L’Manberg and around the nukes in particular) 

In borealtrio it’s much more like... internally sourced and exaggerated rather than minimized? It’s also based in previous dynamics and even moreso about reputation and like, prowess affecting how Ranboo sees the other two, which could be a FASCINATING thing for Techno considering esp now in S3 Techno seems to heading narratively into being in conflict with that exact thing, his reputation  

Ranboo definitely needs both dynamics and what both dynamics give him, and different shades+manifestations of his conflict come out in both; the throughline of his caginess and distrust in others, the throughline of agency, the throughline of responsibility, the throughline of keeping himself and the people he cares about safe. Both narratively and in terms of in-universe mental health, both benchtrio and borealtrio are essential to him, and I love it sm, and I desperately need to see them both explored 

[stimland]

Sayo and Hina: Two Sides of the Same Autistic Coin

Sayo and Hina are heavily autistic coded in different ways, and I’m here to explore that, first by talking about them individually and then comparing them and their relationship.

Hina's Autism I’m starting with Hina because it’s widely accepted that she’s autistic-coded. The obvious things are her inability to relate to people (“Other people are so cool! I want to keep learning about them!”) and her general bluntness (“Aya-chan, you look so silly when you cry!”). Being emotionally disconnected is a huge symptom of autism. In the What a Wonderful World event story, Hina makes several comments about how she doesn’t understand everyone else. Less obvious but still prominent is her echolalia (Boppin’ in English, Runrun in Japanese). I call it echolalia because that’s exactly what it is-- Hina’s incessant boppin’ comments are her way of stimming. It’s also her way of expressing love to her friends and sister (“Onee-chan, you’re so boppin’!”), as many autistic people stim when we are happy. Overall, Hina is super autistic-coded in the savant kinda way. 

Sayo's Autism I see a lot of people headcanon Hina as autistic, and they’re absolutely right. However, this means Sayo is pushed to the wayside (ironic, huh?). Sayo is just as autistic as Hina, she just expresses it in a different way. She’s also very emotionally detached, viewing most of her bonding activities with Roselia as things to further the band rather than to have fun (“Going to the waterpark means our sound will be more connected”). She also likes precise measurements and objectivity as shown in the Cooking Class Craziness event story, as she struggles with off-white butter and the mixed dough, but says thirty minutes in the fridge is easy to understand. A direct quote from Chapter 2 of the event: 30 minutes, correct? Great. That's easy to understand. Okay, I'll go place it in the refrigerator...Quantifying can be quite difficult. Things like "until it's white" or "until it's blended" can be hard for me to understand, this being my first time. Cooking Class Craziness is one of the only events that aren’t centric to both Hikawa sisters that show Sayo’s autism so blatantly. Most of the others involve both of them, which brings me to the next point...

Comparison Despite being mostly opposites, Sayo and Hina have a lot of similarities. They both have trouble expressing their emotions and relating to people, they both come off as blunt and too honest, and they are both determined about music. Simply put, they’re both very autistic-coded. The event stories for both Wish Upon a Tanzaku and Umbrella for the Autumn Rain show their conflict and similarities very well. During their fight in Chapter 5 of Umbrella for the Autumn Rain, Hina says: And... If you're gonna quit guitar like this... If you're gonna be the type of sister who breaks her promise... Then I... Then I hate you too!! This quote shows that despite Hina’s apparent flakiness when it comes to her interests, she is passionate about playing guitar and helping both her and Sayo improve. This moment of transparency between the twins is crucial to understanding how similar they are. 

TLDR: Sayo and Hina are both extremely autistic-coded and I love them

[katsidhe]

7.02 final thoughts? (Idk if this one has been requested yet)

7.02 Final Thoughts

*rubs hands* Ah, yes, the episode that got me into SPN. I could talk forever about season 7. 

Fun drinking game: take a shot every time someone makes a different colorful idiom about Sam being insane. Hint: you’ll die, because I counted 25.

(I WONDER WHY Sam didn’t want to tell Bobby or Dean about his active symptoms of psychosis. Truly, a mystery for the ages.)

Even setting Hallucifer aside, this episode highlights so many of the things I high-key LOVE about season 7: the erosion of Sam and Dean’s support network (as tenuous as that already was)—take away Bobby’s house, take away angelic healing, take away the Impala, make them vulnerable and alone and crumbling under the weight of the trauma they’ve accumulated. The broken leg, Sam’s head injury and seizure in the ambulance? Strapped down, badly injured, the fates of their friends uncertain, headed into the belly of the beast? ICONIC. Over the top. Amazing.

It’s a similar kinda thing to Jody’s predicament—sure, she’s capable enough ordinarily, but if you give her surgery and drug her and leave her alone in a hospital with a liver-eating monster on the prowl, the stakes look a lot different, don’t they? I’ve seen this episode approximately one gazillion times but every time I get tense for her.

Quick thoughts on the Leviathans, which have a reputation as an underwhelming SPN villain. Perhaps because of how unsubtle and half-baked they are as metaphor for corporate greed/capitalistic consumption, perhaps because of how their promise of truly terrifying Old Ones, Cthulu-esque devourers, never quite came true (except for a bit in 7.01 and 7.02, yikes!). But honestly I’ve always liked them—I like how their organization and assimilation of knowledge drives the Winchesters deeper underground than even the Apocalypse did; I like how they made the Winchesters’ entire world into something mundanely unsafe and miserable; I like how they showcase the horror of a enemy composed of lockstep drones, the way that Heaven (and Hell, sometimes) tries to be, but never truly manages; I like Dick Roman’s gleeful ravenousness; I like their spooky mouths; hell, I even like the Dick jokes. 

Bobby’s solicitousness towards Dean, and how awkwardly he talks to Sam a little later in the episode, is very emblematic of how bone-deep uncomfortable he is around an honest-to-God mental illness, and, well, around Sam’s issues in general. Which doesn’t make him a bad person, or unsupportive, necessarily. But it’s very evident that he’s got no clue what to say to Sam or how to handle him, that he’s leagues more comfortable dealing with Dean’s problems (as has often been the case regardless of Sam’s mental health).

A related, but separate point: the lengths the show goes to to emphasize “look, Dean’s not okay,” while Sam’s in the middle of a psychotic break… It baffles me a little every time I see this episode, when Bobby walks away from Sam all “yyyyeah I gotta go do some work” and then is immediately all “ok but Dean, how are YOU feeling?” It’d be one thing if Dean weren’t emotionally demonstrative, and if Sam were—if Sam, at this point in the episode, was so obviously struggling to such a painful degree that Bobby wants to make sure Dean’s not overlooking his own reactions. But that’s not really the case. Apart from some flinching, Sam’s been very matter-of-fact about the whole thing so far.

This is our first deep-dive into Sam post-Cage, a full season about he returned. And I love it to pieces, you guys. I love how these inescapable, soul-deep consequences are the inevitable answer to the moral of Sam’s story, where he interred himself with his worst nightmare, forever.

Dean after Hell is clawing for moral high ground. Dean focuses on this bleak kind of virtue, this idea of martyrdom and righteous struggle that eventually unspools and reveals itself to be fundamentally unmoored. He needs some kind of redemption for himself after what he was forced to do in Hell; he needs to own his destiny, and he needs that destiny to be meaningful and good, and he channels his violence outward in that cause.  

Sam does not take any kind of high ground. He hurts... himself. He gnaws inward. No illusions about how “messed up” he is—he sidelines himself before Dean or Bobby can say a single word; he figures he needs to be on top of it, needs to get out ahead of the danger he could represent and reassure his family that he knows he’s a hazard. Sam has learned to repress and downplay and hide his traumas and his freakishness both to avoid feeling stigmatized and to avoid being a burden on the people he loves, especially on his brother. So when Dean reacts with fear (understandable) and anger (less so), Sam takes it in stride.

Hallucifer is probably my favorite thing this show has ever done. I could probably write another thousand words on Hallucifer alone—on how Sam’s using this face for coping, for compartmentalizing; both to hurt himself and to keep himself company, to sort through his pain and arrive at a place where it’s at all tenable for him to exist. 

Sam’s skepticism about professional mental health treatment—his idea that this is a problem he can handle himself, that a doctor would "just stuff [him] full of pills”—is clearly one born of the family mold. This is his dismissive response to Hallucifer!Dean’s accusation that Sam won’t be able to cut it on his own. This denial, this idea that Sam knows he needs to get a handle on this, and therefore that he MUST do it himself, make a science of it, is fascinating. 

On the subject of denial: Hallucifer poses a simple question to Sam: are you sure you got out? And Sam’s NOT sure. Faith that he’s free is yet another maybe-lie that Sam must tell himself with maniacal intensity this season, for the sake of his own sanity, to avoid the voice in his head telling him to shoot himself. 

That Scene in the warehouse. Dean’s advice to Sam is to trust in Dean as the cornerstone of his reality. Asks him to build his whole world on his trust in Dean. What choice does Sam have? Who else can Sam rely on? What else can he do? There is no one else, nothing else. There’s only Dean, or Lucifer. It’s a dichotomy. It’s so CHILLING.

Especially in the context of what we know comes next—7.03, where Dean lies to Sam’s face, murders Amy, and uses Sam’s ~insanity~ to defuse Sam’s (justified) anger. And then, season 8, and 9, and 10, and, y’know what, the entire show. 

Sam drives his thumb into his bleeding hand, and it’s SPN in a nutshell—forever choosing the claustrophobia of the path of slightly less resistance, forever clinging to the misery of a life that’s only just this side of bearable, burying yourself in the toxic fallout because the alternative is unimaginably nightmarish—using the trappings of free will, of defiance, to choose to claw holes in yourself so that someone else won’t. There is no escape.

Dean’s threat of murder-suicide on the phone is so clearly meant to be sympathetic. And yes, on a certain level it absolutely is; and then on another level, it’s, y’know, MURDER-suicide, where Dean’s taking explicit responsibility for and ownership of Sam’s life, even though Sam’s pretty clearly lucid. Dean’s assuming as a matter of course his ability and right to make that decision for Sam. How Dean views and deals with Sam’s instability in season 7 lays major groundwork for Dean’s willingness to let in Gadreel in 9.01.

[one-abuse-survivor]

before i start, thank you so much for doing what you do;this blog has given me good advice countless times and i really have to thank you for that.

my issues with my parents are that they don't take me seriously. i can literally go up to them and say: "mom/dad, i think i might be autistic or have ADHD (both would be quite likely) can i get that checked out" and list a bunch of examples why i think that and they'll just be "nah, that can't be, you don't seem like that at all" as of i didn't break my mind over it researching it and talking to people who have it to see if we've had similar experiences just to get some kind of reference as to why i feel the way i feel and why i struggle so much with things that so many other people find so easy.

but then, in the following weeks and months (after talking w them) they just randomly point out things about me that kinda annoy them, like me talking out of turn a LOT or me not looking at people or me having trouble focusing if there isn't also music and a movie going at the same time or mom saying that i seem hyperactive to her because i'm always moving my legs or pacing around or rubbing my hands or drumming on the table with pens. things like that (plus a lot more) were the exact things i was telling them about and they just put it off like it's nothing but as soon as it affects and annoys them it's suddenly very real. at this point i'm struggling to talk to my parents about anything even remotely more serious than generic smalltalk and i'm having a hard time believing myself that my struggles are in fact real and i'm not just making them up.

and also on a less related note; the thing i hate most about my parents: if i'm wearing headphones and couldn't understand what a parent was yelling from somewhere else in the house then it's my fault. but if it's the exact same situation but i'm the one calling and they couldn't hear me, then it's obviously my fault too (i kinda get the first one but srsly how could i not wear headphones when they're constantly arguing with my brother in the room next to mine) (either way if one of the scenarios is clearly my fault, then the other shld be clearly their fault bc that's how logic works)

hhhh, this got quite long. i would love to hear your thoughts about this

a continuation from the other ask about my parents not taking me seriously even when i ask them for help with my hardest problems. that ask didn't really go in the direction i had planned but there is so much going on between my parents and me that i really need to talk to someone about

background: i'm around 15-16 rn and have a brother who's 18. primary school was academically very easy for me (lots and lots of great and even perfect grades) but my brother didn't have it as easy (lots and lots of mediocre and meh grades) so my parents really just kinda let me do my thing while they were constantly busy with my brother. so i got really independant and did all of my stuff on my own bc a) i always had done it that way and b) my parents were already busy and stressed. but after my brother got his first computer and got into video games his grades dropped and my parents started constantly arguing with him and taking away his computer and stuff like that so there was always a lot of tension (and i got to a point where i can't handle people yelling; that's what i was referring to with the headphone thingy at the end of the last ask) i don't know if i can go that far and say that my parents kinda neglected me and my emotional needs in favour of saving my brother grades but that's pretty much the way it feels.

i'm now a sophomore (school works a bit different here but i'm the equivalent of a highschool sophomore afaik, here it's just 10th grade) and starting from about mid 8th grade (end of 2018) i've been struggling a lot with self care and upkeep of my already minimal social circle and academic stuff (i'm at the academically highest level of school you could be at my age without skipping any years) and also mental health.

i got quite depressive and started isolating myself and casting away friends and my grades went down a lot, which really disappointed me because my great grades were kind of my trademark thing. but i didn't feel safe talking to my parents because of the huge distance that we built by me "never" needing their help with stuff.

in that time (almost a year ago, our anniversary is in twenty days or so) i got a girlfriend and i'm hella glad that i can talk to her about everything but i feel like i can't just go dump trauma and parent issues on her forever

about last november or so i was at a pretty low point and was suicidal and that's kind of when i snapped and went to my parents to talk so being cast away and having my issues invalidated really really hurt then and made me spiral even deeper and my gf was the only thing keeping me afloat.

i'm kind of a bit better now but i have rebuilt my view of my parents from "idk we never really interact" to "trying to interact or talk is not worth the energy" and needless to say i don't like them that much

oh and i forgot about all the times i got panic attacks and sensory overloads @ school because there are so many people there (1700 students + 200 teachers) and it's loud everywhere and of course asking my parents for what to do if suddenly everything is too bright and too loud and you can't move or talk because of it didn't get me anywhere (and since i didn't know what it was called or how to describe it properly, i didn't really find any Information online either

and just typing this makes me think of so many more things that they did that aren't okay things to do (a lot of gender identity stuff for example because i'm also neck-deep in that) . but writing this has also helped a lot right now. thank you for being there and listening.

and just in case i'm ever gonna pop back in to say something i'm gonna drop a name for easier identifying

sincerely - 🌌 milky way anon

Hi, nonnie! Thanks for the kind words, I'm really glad my blog has been of help ❤️

I'm sorry your parents are making it hard to believe your struggles are real :( you deserve to be taken seriously and to get access to all the help you might need. Just the fact your symptoms are there and you're noticing them and they're interfering with your daily life is enough to get them checked, regardless of if you need a diagnosis/meds/anything else. No one deserves to live wondering if their struggles are worth discussing with a doctor or professional.

And you're right: if one of those things was your fault, then the other should be theirs, logically. But I don't even think it's "your fault" you didn't hear them because you were wearing headphones, to be honest. I think it's just something that happens from time to time and that doesn't warrant getting mad over; I think it's the kind of thing that simply needs to be talked about so everyone in the household knows how to communicate with everyone else without getting frustrated. It's as easy as saying "hey, whenever I put on headphones I'll just text the family group chat to let you guys know I won't hear you. If you need anything in those moments, just text me instead". I do this with my girlfriend sometimes—if we're wearing headphones and we're in the same room, we simply pat each other when we need something and wait until the other takes off their headphones to talk. It really doesn't have to be an issue where anyone is to blame. You're allowed to take steps to feel safe and comfortable in your house without getting punished for it.

But, of course, this doesn't work if the people around you choose to prioritise "being right" and proving you're wrong over a peaceful and healthy cohabitation, which is what most toxic and abusive people do.

As for your second ask, I would say if it feels like your parents neglected you and your needs because they were always focusing on your brother, then it's okay to say that they did. The fact alone that those feelings are there makes you deserving of talking about it and wanting to heal from it; the cause of those feelings doesn't have to be something major, or sound deeply traumatising when you say it out loud, in order to "count". And people whose emotional needs were consistently met don't feel like they weren't.

I've already shared this video before, but if you want some resources on identifying and healing from emotional neglect, I really recommend watching it. Please bear in mind, though, that the video says it's important to not blame parents for emotionally neglecting you, but I don't think that's the message a lot of people need to hear and I think you should allow yourself to feel angry at your parents for not meeting your needs and causing you trauma. That's pretty much the only thing I'd criticise about the video.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with your grades and mental health lately, nonnie. I had a quite similar experience when I was in high school—I used to always get great grades, but my mental health and trauma put a lot of strain on them (as well as on my social life; I lost a lot of friends in those years) and it was really distressing to see the only thing that made me "worthy" crumble between my fingers like that. I'm still trying to unlearn this idea that your grades define your worth, and it's been really hard.

I'm so sorry your parents weren't there for you when you hit that low 😔 I'm glad your girlfriend could help you stay afloat in that moment, but they absolutely should've been there for you all those times you reached out to them for help with your struggles, and the fact that they didn't is emotionally neglectful of them.

I'm glad you're in a better place now ❤️ I really hope you can find out all the information you need on gender identity and sensory overload and any other issues that might be affecting you. Know that you deserve for your parents to be there for you. You shouldn't have to face any of this on your own, or even with only the support of other people your age. You deserve for them to care. You deserve to have your symptoms checked out. You deserve adult guidance to find resources to help you better understand and manage your struggles.

Sending all my virtual support your way ❤️ and happy belated anniversary to you and your girlfriend!

[lost-in-the-spectrum]

Additional disorders and conditions with Autism

Hello Folks,

 there I am with a new post about the Autism-Spectrum-Disorder. This time with a special post including experiences by other  too.

Today I’ll talk with you about the several different diseases people with the Autism-Spectrum-Disorder have to deal with in addition. And as in every other post of me this post is all about each single person who told me about these things. Not every autistic person got the same following additonal diseases, yet there are many of them having the same disease in common. I’m not talking about one or two people having disorders etc. besides their Autism. I am talking about srsly at least 10 people who told me and confirmed that they suffer because of following conditions too. And after talking with these people about it for a longer time I figured out that autistic people usually suffer of other diseases because of their, in general, special condition. Let’s start the topic so that you know what I mean.

 1st Depressions: Autistic people often suffer because of depressions. It is a disease which appears srsly often, not only with autistic people but also with people without an Autism diagnosis.

Autistic people (A-typical, Aspergers, Kanners, Highfunctional etc.) often become depressive because of their “different being” and “odd behavior” which seems strange to other people and makes Autists feel incredibly bad and lonely. Especially at school, in childhood or as a teenager, people who hardly know a thing about Autism find autistic people odd and do hesitate to get to know them as well as people with Autism got issues with even getting in contact with their class-mates, even tho they’re the same age. All I personally learned is that children and teenagers can be rude sometimes. These young people are seeking for a group to belong to, for friendships and contacts or a membership in a certain group so that children or teenagers (without knowing the consequences for their behavior) tend to bully people who seem different than others. This is unfortunately because the influence of other kids at school seems stronger sometimes than the own social moral. So people who are different, like autistic people, often get bullied or at least  by their class-mates which causes Depressions pretty easily. I am one of these bully victims too. So I know that this is the sad truth.

 2nd Borderline: By watching people with autism you can probably tell that having autism, having this different kind of view about life, is kinda similar to a borderline disorder. Autistic people tend to get a so-called ‘melt-down’ (an extrem kind of overload and mental break down) which makes them often hurt themselves (self-harm). Hitting and biting themselves is for example what happens the most when these people are having a mental break down. Also most autistic people do only have either a black or white “sight”, things are either very bad or very good. There is hardly something in between. In addition people with autism are getting angry and stressed much more often than other people, which is also one of the symptomes for Borderline. Talking to other affected these people also confirmed to have a borderline diagnosis in addition because their behavior and symptomes do not always appear with Aspergers (o.e.). Yet many of them do have it: Asking in a post in a facebookgroup I had about 30 replies, 10 of them told about their borderline disorder. I’ve probably got it too but I have no official diagnosis.

 3rd Mutism: Probably you’ve heard about it. It is a condition which makes people mute. They do not talk to anybody and sometimes they don’t talk at all. In some cases these people talk to only special people with a special meaning in their lifes but most of the time people with Mutism suffer from not being able to talk at all. That doesn’t mean that they are literally mute. These people just can’t say a thing and struggle with letting a single sound out, even tho they know they could and even tho they’d really like to.

 4th Marfan Syndrome: “a genetic disorder that affects the connective tissue.[1] Those with the condition tend to be tall and thin, with long arms, legs, fingers, and toes.[1] They also typically have overly-flexible joints and scoliosis.[1] The most serious complications involve the heart and aorta, with an increased risk of mitral valve prolapse and aortic aneurysm.[1][5] The lungs, eyes, bones, and the covering of the spinal cord are also commonly affected.[1] The severity of the symptoms of MFS is variable.[1] “ (source: Wikipedia) I needed to copy and paste the definition of this disorder because I have NEVER EVER heard of it before!

 5th Irritable bowel syndrome: A widespread condition involving recurrent abdominal pain and diarrhea or constipation, often associated with stress, depression, anxiety, or previous intestinal infection. As I have already told you on the top autistic people tend to depressions and anxiety. In other posts I also told you that these people tend to get stressed pretty easily and also often which is the reason why those people suffer of horrbile pain in their stomach. I have also read in the internet that medicals once examined feces by different people who suffered from these issues and many of these people had an Autism diagnosis. Also I do often suffer of horrible pain and long sit ins on the toilet, really often in combination with hard sweating and feeling sick most of the time. I have thought that I might have an intolerance to lactose or else for a quite long time... until I had days without any kind of stress and I had no sort of pain during these moments of peace.

 6th High sensitivity: As I have already mentioned people with Autism are mostly high sensitive. They smell, hear and feel things much more extreme than other people which is why they often need sun glasses ot noise-canceling-headphones to survive and make the day. Not every autistic person is that sensitive tho. Some are even good at dealing with these stimulations. Yet it is a disorder or disease most of these people suffer from.

 7th Giftedness: You might think “Wait a minute, what is so bad in being gifted and super smart?” Well, a lot. Have you ever felt so unchallenged that it almost makes you depressive? Have you ever made experiences with people who are jealous on your gift and hating you for only that so that they tend to bully you? Have you ever felt upset and also depressive because you know what exactly is going wrong in the world while other people hardly think of it and focus on other things you can’t focus on because they literally bore you to hell? Have you ever had problems with finding a perfect job because even the most interesting and difficult job seems to easy for you? And have you ever felt lonely not (only) because you are different but also because there are hardly people you could talk with about tricky things and every normal conversation freaks you out because you find it dumb?

Those are conditions I know and heard of, there are much more for sure. Idk what you think but I think it is incredible to see what kind of conditions other conditions can bring. Maybe you recognize yourselves in this, if so: Let me know, as always!

[yeet-imma-skeet]

Great, There’s Sky Everywhere

(Based in @starr-fall-knight-rise 's unique universe. Part 6 of the story)

(Part 1: https://yeet-imma-skeet.tumblr.com/post/613232997621202944/the-sky-is-falling)

"So, Olive... what is it that is so important that you need to tell me in the middle of a lake?"

The head human doctor, Olive as she goes, laid still on her floaty as she eyed around the bio-dome in suspicion. Captain Silva waded near her, shaking droplets of cool water off his peppery hair at her squinting. Both were inside the bio-dome of the strange alien ship along with quite the gaggle of humans and drev exploring within it. Raucous laughter could be heard through the whispering of ruffled leaves. The low rumbling of drev voices and the clanging of weapons echoed from the wide plains as they sparred each other with glee. A few adventurous humans attempted to climb the tall trees and rock formations, only to fail in climbing the plants. Their bronze trunks were strangely smooth with no handholds to grip. The vines that grew from them were the same, though the yellow leaves proved to be sturdy enough to hold their weight somehow. The doctor and captain absentmindedly watched some crewmen climb up the dangling vines like demented ladders. A leaf managed to smack one across the face as she fell down in a heap, rubbing a leaf-shaped mark across her head before she angrily chased her laughing crew mates.

Silva was happy to see them up and about, giggling like children after all that happened. He really wanted there to be nothing else after their ordeal, but the grim look across the doctor's face only concluded his fears.

"The...disease," She started, "I've finally looked over it and the research the AI-ball-thing did and... it’s disturbing."

"More disturbing than the dead zombies?"

"Yes. I've noticed some subtle affects it causes besides pigment changes, uncontrolled strength, and neural decay. It nearly matches the affects caused by the Infected Starborn Incident a while ago."

His heart pounded at the implications, "What?"

"Well, like I said, not exactly the same. Of course we're dealing with an entirely new species unlike ourselves, but the amount of residual brain activity the AI managed to capture before they died showed similar symptoms."

She somehow brought out a tablet as she swiped through it, never mind the fact that she was wearing nothing but a skintight swimsuit, "In the accounts of the Incident, the Starborn Convict described the spikes in brain activity in these logs as the infected humans receiving some sort of communication from somewhere. After that, they went nuts as they were... mentally tortured."

"...Go on."

"The AI's records found the almost exact same reaction in the infected that it scanned. The infected was closing in on its position in the med bay, sort of sluggishly like a fictional zombie would, before they heard the cry of another being taken down by Galia at the time. Their brainwaves spiked in response and so they went into a frenzy. Thankfully, she got there in time to kill them, but it’s a terrifying thought."

Silva bobbed in the water, barely hearing his crewmen's laughter, "We are safe from this, right?"

"The bodies are quarantined in the lab, there’s no sign of potential infection from the disease, and we have made vaccinations in case so we are safe in that aspect..."

He noticed a hesitation, "But?"

"Let's just be happy that we're in space with no chance of meeting a live one. It would very well snap us in half before we could get sick."

—————————

Galia watched as another caldat—er marine, tumbled off the vines like a newly hatched sky dweller. She had to admit, they were remarkably good climbers despite not having claws. Instead of forcibly marring the plants, they would search for existing handholds as they slowly made their way up the trees. A quiet huff made her perk up an arial as she remembered the marine perched beside her on the rock plateau, the very same marine who had crashed his wheeled plank of wood in front of her before. Apparently he did reckless things on the daily, his resilience showing as he climbed everything inside the bio-dome with nary a complaint after falling so many times. He joined her in her people watching, quietly appreciating the view atop the tallest pillar.

Despite their differences, she was reminded of her planetary days when she would perch up high with her fellow Vigils. They were strong, aloof, untouchable to many, and she was one of them. But at the same time, she wasn’t. Her insides did a flip as she remembered those times, always doing something past what should be done. The only thing that kept her sane was the thought of seeing her litter mates again wherever they were.

“Uh, are you okay?”

She glanced over at the sitting marine, noting his concerned look as she tilted her head in confusion.

“Your nails—er claws are kinda...” He motioned towards their perch.

Twelve jagged lines cut through the hard stone leading to her clenched fists. How she missed her own hands grinding down rock unnerved her as she flapped her arials in nervousness. Surely the human would be terrified by the show of strength.

“As cool as that is, are you really okay? You were looking pretty off.”

She gave him an incredulous stare, “I’m fine, but aren’t you... scared?”

“Scared? Of what?”

Galia didn’t know what surprised her more, the fact that the human looked so genuinely unafraid or that he was still insistently asking about her condition. A quiet hum of laughter escaped her as his face changed from confused to weirded out.

“Ah, pardon me.” She curled her tail around her sitting form once again, “Any show of emotion is forbidden for my occupation. Unless it is an order, I should not convey any.”

“Well that sounds like a load of bull.”

“What?”

“I mean, it sounds like a stupid rule. You mean to do that all the time and don’t have any breaks?”

“It is required if I don’t want to be terminated.”

A flash of some unknown emotion crossed his earthy eyes, “Term-Terminated?”

“I am a Vigil, a weapon and shield for my king’s use. If I break or warp, I’ll be tossed away.” Her body seemed to stiffen, “There is no use for a caldat who knows Vigil training yet can’t utilize it to their best ability. Holding any of that knowledge is a threat so it must be controlled.”

A terse silence grew between them as the joyous sounds below did nothing to break it. The marine, in question, felt quite awkward. Like celebrating a birthday next to a funeral home awkward.

A quick idea popped into his head as he though of a way to change the subject, “Wait you guys have a king? Like crown-wearing, sword-wielding, do-as-I-say king?”

Amusement crept into her mind as he swung an imaginary weapon, “We have three who share Farris, our planet. One for each people and place.”

“Each people?”

“Though we are of the same species, we have three variants made for each dwelling on our planet.” She flexed an arial towards the gigantic dome, “The sky, the sea, and the land.”

“Sky... So where we are now? This rock thing and the forest?”

“Yes.”

“So you’re a sky person?”

“The official term is sky dweller and not exactly...”

“Oooooh, so you’re half and half? What’s the other?”

A flicker of anger and confusion reignited itself within her, “I don’t see a reason to tell you.”

His eyes widened as he watched her tufted tail hackle into spikes, “Oh shit, I’m so sorry if I offended you!"

For a moment, he thought that she would deck him flat and that he totally deserved it. His big mouth managed to piss people off for all the wrong reasons so it wouldn’t be the first time he got what he asked for, even if he had no bad intentions. Her golden eye seemed to burn a hole into his head as he kept apologizing. Damn, he just had to piss off the one person who owned the cool spaceship.

“...I am part land dweller.”

His bowed head perked up as the alien’s tail tuft flattened and her head turned towards the expanse of savanna below. He followed her gaze to see some of his crew mates playing a game of tag in the tall grass. The drev stood at the sidelines, sometimes serving as living obstacles to dart around much to their amusement. With a pounce, an engineer managed to tag a marine as she scrambled atop one of them. The drev took one look at the determined tagger, and before they could react, had two humans dangling from their body as they ducked and weaved around.

A question snapped the marine out of his observation, “What do you call that game? It looks similar to one we have.”

“Tag. Where one person is ‘it’ and they have to touch another person to make them ‘it’ and it continues from there. It can get pretty intense.”

“Hm.” Her tail flicked back and forth, “You humans are okay land dwellers, but we can be much faster.”

Sensing a challenge he grinned, “Oh yeah? Care to demonstrate?”

“If it will keep you from asking too much next time.”

He sheepishly nodded as she stood to her haunches, stretching a lithe leg behind her. The marine's eyes widened even more at the full length of the leg that almost reached his height. With little hesitation, the white alien began to skid down the cliff, leaving a trail of cuts down the side. By the time he scrabbled down to join her, the small gathering of his crew mates ended their game with gasping breaths, watching her stroll by in curiousity.

She crossed her arms, a new intimidation tactic she picked up from the humans, "Who's the best sprinter out of all of you?"

The panting humans and bystanding drev all pointed to the last human that was 'it'. Galia had been watching them and knew that this man had been 'it' a lot less than the rest as he ran literal circles around the others. The strangely bald, lanky, and dark skinned man straightened his back at the guard's scrutiny, exuting a challenging puff of air. Knocking him down a peg would probably make her feel a lot better.

[thesaltyace]

big rant/ramble below, you can safely ignore and move on to the next post in your feed.

Urgh

I shared the results of that autism screener with a quasi-friend who I thought would be "safe" (we used to work together and we connected over his being gay and me being visibly queer) but his response was blergh

Everyone has hints of autism.

okay yeah but this isn't just *hints* of autism. I'm answered yes to symptoms I've had since I was a kid that I've learned to mask or work around as an adult. But I still struggle with them.

He pointed out that he sees me as more ADHD than ASD.

Yeah, fair, and I'd need to see a professional to try to distinguish if my symptoms are ADHD, ASD, or both.

You don't hit the three prongs needed for a diagnosis.

But.... but I do. And the stuff I dealt with as a kid is still stuff I deal with today. I just mask it better. A short and not exhaustive list:

As I kid I had trouble interacting with peers. I didn't have friends, really. I didn't know how to make friends and I didn't try terribly hard to. I acquire friends when someone else "adopts" me and decides that we are friends. And once I became an adult, I have almost never had friends of my own - I share a friend group with my spouse who we're primary connected to through him. I'm okay with that. Maintaining a friendship entirely on my own power sounds impossible and exhausting.

I was okay with not having friends, I liked being alone, but my mom insisted on me being social. She made me join things so that I would have a list of people to invite to parties. I'd honestly have preferred a day of doing stuff I like or just a couple friends. As an adult, I want to be alone on my birthday. I will celebrate with certain friends, separately, usually over a quiet meal. That's it.

I had trouble understanding sarcasm and figurative speech. Like, I understand it now but I still think most figurative speech is annoying. I've been told the way I deliver sarcasm is weird, too.

I liked memorizing movies and quoting them start to finish, I thought it was fun but everyone else thought it was weird. I continued to do this into adulthood but I only quote aloud when I'm alone. Alamo Drafthouse quote-alongs are the BEST. I don't do this with every movie, either, just ones I really like.

Okay actually I also liked to listen to the same album or, in some cases, the same song over and over until I was sick of it (and sometimes even after that point). I mean, just endlessly looping on repeat. Not interspersed with other songs. I do this as an adult a LOT because it's easier with headphones to do this without annoying everyone else around you. Like, often it's fine for me to just put a playlist on shuffle, but I get into Moods where I just want the one album/song over and over. Yesterday I listened to Wellerman about 50 times in a row and only stopped because I had to get up and do something else and that song wasn't "good" for whatever I got up to do.

My special interest as a kid was cats. Literally everything cats, all the time - I sought out obscure facts and could tell you the difference between similar species, and wanted cats involved in literally everything I did. Adults laughed it off as childhood obsession. I was also pretty obsessed with the solar system. I thought asking my peers, as a trivia question, which of Jupiter's moons had its own asteroid (Io, in case you were wondering) was appropriate and interesting and was confused that they didn't know that. That was in fifth grade.

I watched the weather channel for fun. I would watch it for hours and absorb the weekly forecast info just... for fun? I never used it, could never tell you if you should dress a certain way or bring an umbrella or whatever. Everyone thought it was weird.

I was a know-it-all and literally could not stop myself from bluntly correcting people who were wrong. Didn't know or care that it was "rude". I'm still that way but I've learned how to sometimes swallow the urge long enough to find a more tactful way to point it out (but often fail).

I could read on my own before kindergarten, used vocabulary beyond what one would expect for my age, and had a special interest in spelling and grammar throughout my school years. I did not understand how other people weren't interested in learning about it and getting it right. I read at an undergrad level by 4th grade.

I hated loud noises and often covered my ears to block out irritating sounds. I could also hear high pitched noises that even other kids didn't seem to hear (or at least weren't bothered by them). Too much noise sent me into an internal meltdown, I'd just kinda shut down because I couldn't deal with it.

Textures and pressure on my skin bothered the absolute fuck out of me - sock seams, certain fabric materials, socks that weren't equally elastic, one shoe tighter than the other, tags.... all of that. (Also, fun anecdote I just unlocked - when I was 4 or 5 my grandmother started letting me use the soft silk sleep shirt she had as a young woman because I preferred it to anything else. Soft, smooth, no irritating qualities. Bliss. I wanted to wear it all the time.)

Don't get me started on food. Until I was in COLLEGE I mostly subsisted on pasta with either butter or alfredo sauce and chicken. I would eat other things, but pasta and/or chicken was (and still is) my biggest safe/comfort food. I'd eat other stuff mostly if I could control the balance of ingredients, get it made plain, or could confirm the texture wouldn't be offensive (so, like... plain burgers, plain cheese pizza, grilled cheese, mashed potatoes, etc.) I cannot stress this enough - from childhood through COLLEGE I did this. As a kid my mom had to make me a completely separate dish most nights to get me to eat something. My spouse was horrified at what little variety I ate. The only reason I eat so much variety now is that he knows what I do/don't like and tells me in advance if I'll find a texture or taste offensive. Of course, rather than wanting consistent texture like I did when I was younger, I now seek as much texture as possible (so long as they aren't Bad textures) so.... that's fun. But yeah most of my objections to Yucky foods is due to T E X T U R E. Even if I like the taste, the texture overrides it all.

I prefer animals to people. I will seek out animals and interact with them instead of people in the same room. And will pointedly focus on the animal to avoid interacting with people.

I'm perfectly happy with only myself for company. Being with just my spouse counts as me being "alone" though. Always has. I just realized last night that it's because I do minimal to no masking around him because he's a safe person to unmask with and always has been. Never batted an eye at the weird shit I do beyond asking questions about what I was doing or why. And then just "Okay."

Okay honestly just the fact that I want to vent into the void of tumblr instead of actually discussing this with a person - even my spouse! - pretty effectively shows how little it occurs to me to interact with other people directly. o_0

And there are so many more things that I won't list here because I could just go on and on. And like, sure, some of this may certainly overlap with ADHD but my point is that I have enough to point to ASD that it doesn't feel like having a "hint" of autism. And who knows - maybe it is mostly just ADHD and CPTSD stuff interacting in weird ways. Could be!

But just because I can make small talk and make eye contact and do the "normal" shit and I can interact "normally" doesn't mean I LIKE it. I had to LEARN to do those things to avoid having bad social interactions. When I'm by myself or with my spouse, I behave very differently than I do around anyone else. ANYONE. It's not just slightly changing my behavior depending on who I'm with - it's completely suppressing how I naturally would do things if left to my own devices.

Like, the things we recommended to our autistic students who wanted to know how to interact in ways that would help them blend in/be accepted by others ARE THE EXACT THINGS I ALREADY DO. Like, it did not occur to me at the time that neurotypicals literally do not have to think about doing those things. I thought, ah, these students just need to be told what the tricks are. Other people figure these tricks out on their own. It did not occur to me that other people, in fact, do not learn these tricks because they naturally do that behavior. They do not have to actively think about learning the trick, period. I literally thought other people also have to think as hard as I do about interactions. Evidently not.

So yeah, I'm feeling a little upset about the reaction I got from him because I'm like.... honestly, a diagnosis of ASD wouldn't change a lot about how I do things or think of things. But it would make me feel better about interacting with and participating in autism-related stuff if I am actually autistic. I realize I can use the resources and supports meant for ASD regardless, and for formal supports anything I can access due to my ADHD diagnosis likely covers anything I'd need for ASD. But having a diagnosis opens up more community. Right now I'm like yeah I'm ADHD but I totally relate to this ASD content. But I'm not going to interact much because I feel like I don't have the right to join in since idk if I do have ASD.

idk I have a lot of feelings. I had a bad email about the trans insurance coverage thing yesterday and I'm not in a great headspace, but finding out me and my spouse both scored very high on the autism screening stuff was honestly a high point because we ended up sharing a lot of how we view and interact with the world that was very eye-opening about why we interact the way we do, how we relate to others (and how other people think we're weird for how we relate to others), and just...everything. And having someone be skeptical after I've spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that I DON'T have ASD only to conclude that at the very least, I should probably be evaluated because I can't reasonably rule it out. Like, most people do not wonder if they have autism. The fact that I am spending this much time looking into it and trying to find examples to disprove it only to find I overwhelmingly can't in virtually every single diagnostic category.... just..... dismissing it outright is kinda hurtful.

Like, I recognize that ADHD symptoms overlap a fair bit, but seriously. My spouse (who definitively does not have ADHD) scored almost identically to me and we vibed on almost everything when we compared answers. We see most things similarly. We have similar areas of confusion about other people and for fundamentally similar reasons. I can't imagine all of the stuff that points to ASD for me is just ADHD in disguise, not when I vibe THAT HARD with someone else. Spouse does not vibe with me on ADHD content. At all. He can appreciate it since he does live with me, after all, and observes whatever's being discussed. But he doesn't vibe with it. He vibes with autism content, though. And I vibe with both.

idk this rant ended in rambling and I'm just going to go listen to Inside on repeat for a couple hours while I try to calm down a bit. o_0

[hecticcheer]

Ooh I’m excited you’re doing these! How bout ✖️ 🎷 👀 🎁?

✖️- Least favorite symptom to read

Hmmm. I can think of two answers to this, depending on how I interpret the question. There’s one symptom/bodily phenomenon I often find distressing to read about rather than cute or hot, and that’s breathing difficulties/(near-)suffocation/especially (near-)drowning, though I guess that last is more like a whump scenario than a symptom in itself. But a. I’m very hard to scare, so I kinda like when something I read succeeds at that, and b. my fear of suffocation and drowning also means that when a fic handles these topics well enough (and with enough C to console me for the H) I find that extra rewarding? So idk if “least favorite” is accurate.

Practically speaking, the featured symptom most likely to stop me from clicking on a fic in the first place is nightmares. Again though I feel almost guilty calling them my least favorite, because in both sickfic and plain ol’ literature I love a good dream sequence. Mostly it’s nightmares as a plot device that I don’t like, where the point of A’s dream is for them to wake up scared so B can comfort them, or where it gives them some kind of epiphany or leads them to change their behavior. Nightmare as weird arty interlude? Sure! Nightmare as a quick way to show us the character’s hangups and distorted thinking? Yes please. But as a vehicle for h/c? Doesn’t do it for me.

🎷- Spelled out sneezes or will plain ‘ol descriptions do the trick?

Honestly? I almost never find that transcribed sick-person noises help me picture the noise in question; they just distract me from the story. I mind it less w/ snz than with emeto though

👀 - Would you rather the limited third person be from the sickie or the caregiver? Would you rather it focus more on the sickie’s thoughts and feelings or the caregiver’s?

Oof, I don’t know; I like both. A few weeks ago when tumblr user sickhaze made a post asking a similar question I replied, “Hmmm, my reasons for picking one or the other tend to be more mechanical than aesthetic tbh–I’ll pick whichever character says less of what they think, or does more things in the other one’s absence, or has more complicated feelings on the situation. So… I guess I pick based on whether it’s more a story about illness or a story about caretaking?” That’ssss kind of a copout answer, but still true: whichever perspective is more complicated in this situation, I want that one.

But I’ve noticed that when other people answer this question they typically focus on differentiating between descriptions of how illness looks from within vs. how it looks from without. And that they tend to prefer fic from the caregiver’s perspective, because the idea that either a. the sick person is so unwell onlookers can’t not see and hear it or b. the caregiver knows them well enough to pick up on their indisposition from subtle hints the sick person themselves either doesn’t notice or tries to hide—and that we, the reader, get to learn what those hints are from someone who loves them—is a lot of fun. I’m sympathetic to this, but it’s kinda fraught for me? I don’t love how it equates an illness’s felt severity with its outward signs. This idea, that it’s particularly exciting or validating for onlookers to be able to tell how ill someone is without asking them? It centers acute illness in a way that reminds me of my own alienation from that experience, since like. That being sick means you look flushed or thin or glassy-eyed, sound hoarse or congested, feel hot to the touch, produce different-colored sputum than usual or a different temperature reading—that’s all shit I’ve had to unlearn in order to understand, respect myself. So that sometimes narratives like this leave me feeling jealous or resentful.

Which doesn’t mean I don’t love sickfic written from the caregiver’s perspective. Just that like… well, for one thing, you know in the Barty & Leverton thing how Leverton’s pretty much exactly that kind of caregiver?—the kind who can tell their friend is ill from subtle behavioral changes, even when said friend doesn’t notice these or tries to hide them? Well, I had fun writing about that trope from a chronically ill person’s (viz., Barty’s) point of view, though I have to thank box-of-kink-fic’s prompt for giving me the idea. Enjoyed showing from within the kind of bodily self-doubt and -disrespect that makes him slower than Leverton to figure out the math on what his ailments mean.

In a similar vein, I also love caregivers who try very hard to interpret a reticent sick character’s behavior but don’t always get it right? Or who have baggage they keep having to shift from hand to hand in order to leave one free to take care of their friend. So I guess what I’m saying is, I don’t much like to read stories that take place from the point of view of a perfect caregiver.

🎁 - Tender, loving caretaking or tough, “we’re enemies but I’ll make an exception just this once” caretaking?

Aaah, I like both!—By which I mean I can like either one, but also that my favorite is a combination of the two, viz., “I love you, but the circumstances surrounding your illness have brought up unresolved issues between us” caretaking.

[ladyseaheart1668]

Endless Summer Book 4 : Daughter of Vaanu (Chapter 49)

Description: Tahira continues to fight her way out of her own head. 

Tagging: @endlesshero1122 @mysteli @feartheendlesssummer @whatmcsaid @xo-endlessmayhem-xo @tigerbryn11

Chapter 49 : A Breath of Water

Grayson

I hold Tahira's hand while the nurse slips the IV needle into her vein, even though she probably can't even feel the prick. She doesn't move at all. Not even a twitch.

The first scan they did of her brain revealed that the blood flow was normal. But there was no explanation as to why she hasn't woken up yet. I don't know whether that surprises me or not. If it really was something on the knife, some kind of poison, is that ever going to show up on a brain scan? Either way, they've decided to do another scan. One that's supposed to measure her brain activity. PET scan, I think. They say they can use it to accurately predict which coma patients are likely to wake up.

I squeeze Tahira's hand, kissing her fingers. She looks so perfect, lying in her hospital bed with her dark hair spread over the pillow, smooth and silky thanks to her mother's careful brushing thirty minutes ago. Except for the tubes and hoses, she looks like she's sleeping.

“My sleeping beauty,” I murmur, stroking her hair. “...I wish you would wake up...”

The nurse puts a hand on my shoulder. “Come on. We gotta leave her alone for awhile so the tracer can go through her system. It's better if she doesn't have any stimulation while that's happening.”

“...You think me being here actually stimulates anything?”

“In the best case scenario, it absolutely does. And since that's what we're hoping for, that's the assumption I'm acting on.”

Tahira

I'm not tired as I climb the path up the mountain, and that still startles me every time I realize it. ...Can I even be startled in this space? I reach what appears to be the top of the mountain, and I am standing on a small circle of rock barely large enough for both my feet that pokes up like an island through an ocean of soft, white clouds. The clouds look soft and fluffy, like piles of cotton balls. I want to dive into them and feel their softness against my skin—even though I know from personal experience that I'll probably just get wet. And possibly fall to my death, since I can't fly in this space. But...maybe I can't die in this space, either. And, I'm here now, standing on a tiny space on top of a mountain. What exactly am I supposed to do now?

Before I can really stop myself, I have taken the step off the edge. I plunge through fluffy, cottony sea foam into a warm ocean. I breathe saltwater and it feels as easy as breathing air. I hear a voice call my name. A sexless voice that comes through the waves and sounds like music. I swim toward it, gliding as easily as I fly through the air in the real world. Something that looks like the sun glimmers overhead, making the water around me shine. Ahead, something waits for me in the water. The rippling waves distort its shape, but the color of it is overwhelmingly red.

I think in the back of my mind, I know what's there even before I get close enough to actually see. Sure enough, as I approach, the thing takes on a human shape. Two legs, two arms, and a head—all concealed within a red spacesuit. ...I've never met the Endless before. But I know who she is.

“...Endless. Are you here to show me how I can wake up and help Alodia? Help...a version of you?”

“I am here to help. But I warn you that I cannot help the way you want me to. I am forever bound by the laws that govern the physical flow of time. If I break them, I will do more harm than good.”

“I'm in no position to turn down help.”

“Then follow me.”

Rochelle

“What exactly are you trying to tell me, doctor?”

They've called in a neurologist to assess Tahira. She's had at least two scans to determine why she isn't waking up. So far, though, the man seems to have taken a lot of words to say not very much at all.

“What I am trying to tell you, Ms. Rogers, is that there is no reason to despair. Your daughter's brain is active. Very active. In all the right ways. Coma patients with similar levels of brain activity recover consciousness within a year more than eighty percent of the time.”

I fold my arms. “...Are you saying that my daughter is in a coma?”

The doctor hesitates. “She does exhibit many symptoms consistent with a coma diagnosis. However, there are no obvious organic causes. And...” He leans over Tahira and lifts her eyelid slowly to shine his light pen at her pupil. “Her light reflexes are normal. When I lift her eyelid, she resists. And when I release it, her eye closes completely and quickly.”

“So...what does that mean?”

“My assessment is that it is most likely a psychogenic coma. That is, a temporary period of disassociation, possibly caused by psychological trauma related to the attack.”

“...'Temporary'...”

“Yes. Most of the time patients wake up fairly promptly after general anesthesia is stopped. Often when they fail to wake up, it's due to residual effects from the drugs. Sometimes, it's neurological or metabolic. And sometimes, it's psychological. Tahira is neurologically intact, and her bloodwork is all clear.”

“So...what do we do?”

“We wait. Keep assessing her regularly, wait for a change. Right now, there is little else we can do.”    

Jake

“Lundgren wasn't where we left him. The prevailing theory is that one of his goons found him and got it out, but there's not much of a trail if that's the case. It's...not looking like Alodia and Diego are on the island, either. They've got the coast guard circling, though, in case anything tries to land there. The Vaanti are still lying low for the most part, but Seraxa has a few warriors combing the jungle. I don't know if they can hide themselves like they used to when Vaanu's crystals were still part of the island, but Seraxa seems to think it's an acceptable risk.”

I can't look at Sean as he talks. I stare out the window of my hospital room. The view overlooks the hospital grounds, with the Santo Domingo skyline on the horizon. He seems to be waiting for an answer, but when I don't give him one after a moment or two, he goes on.

“Zahra and Iris have been analyzing the recording from that AI. Iris was able to confirm that the voice print was Alodia's. But most of it was spliced together from recorded voice samples. Like...the time lady that you used to be able to call.”

“'Most of it'...”

“...Huh?”

I keep my eyes on a not-particularly-interesting office building in the distance. “You said 'most of it' was spliced. ...I have a guess where it wasn't.”

Sean hesitates just long enough to confirm that I'm right even before he says, “...Yeah.”

“So where did that part come from?”

“Zahra says she doesn't know that yet. The parts where...Galatea...broke character...those were whole samples, not splices. Iris can figure out that much. But where and when they were recorded? That's gonna take longer to figure out.”

Now I turn to look at him. “What kinda time do you think we have, Sean? She could give birth any day. If Rourke gets his hands on our kid...”

“I know, buddy. I know.”

“...I wanna be there. I wanna be there when my daughter is born.”

He doesn't say anything. What the hell can he say to that? Everyone I know is gonna do everything in their power to get my wife back to me ASAP. Doesn't mean I can rest easy. Not until she's back in my arms.

“...Do you know when you're getting out of here?”

“A day or two. They want to keep me for observation awhile. ...Then I guess I oughta go back to California. ...Or stay here and look after Mike. Don't wanna leave him alone here. ...Don't suppose you two are continuing the honeymoon where you left off.”

“With Alodia and Diego still missing? Of course not. Michelle wants to go back to work early.”

I snort, a rueful, mirthless laugh. “Tell her it's outta the question. She just went through a kidnapping for fuck's sake.”

“You're suggesting I try to tell Michelle what to do?”

“Okay, yeah. I see how that's a bad idea.”

“...She needs to feel useful. And...truthfully right now, it may be that the best way she can help us get Alodia and Diego back is by being at work.”

I feel the frown settle onto my mouth and forehead as I stare at him. “...You don't just say a thing like that without having something to back it up.”

“Tahira was attacked. About the same time as all of us were abducted. She had emergency surgery, but she hasn't woken up yet. ...Before she went under, she managed to get across that the one who attacked her was a Vaanti.”

Caleb

It's probably stupid as hell for me to keep coming back to the compound where Tahira and I were once prisoners. The cops are probably still looking for me, and the compound being the site of a stabbing, they probably aren't far off. Though, truth be told, I'm not sure if they've actually managed to figure out where she was actually stabbed.

Thing is, I find myself wanting answers. I want to know who decided to stick a maybe-poisoned knife in Tahira. I got a nagging feeling whoever it was knows her identity. In the dark, with a flame dancing on my fingertips to light my way, I follow the spotty trail of dried blood from inside the compound to the alley where the initial splatter seems to be and stare at the stain on the filthy concrete.

Avanti...who the hell is Avanti? Sounds like some pop diva wannabe. I'd say a pop diva wasn't capable of leaving this kind of mess in an alley, but I'm old enough to remember Haley Rose.

“You're not going to be able to hide forever.” The taunting purr is unmistakably Gigi. I grit my teeth, but I don't turn to face her right away. “You have to realize that sooner or later, the cops are going to find you.”

Don't ask me why this is the straw that breaks the camel's back. But whatever the reason, I can't take it anymore. I whip around and lunge at Gigi, grabbing her by the throat and shoving her against the wall, a fireball in my free hand poised threateningly over her. The dancing orange light reflects genuine fear in her eyes as she grasps my wrist in both hands. At the moment, I'm too pissed to enjoy it.

“I've had e-fucking-nough of your bullshit, Gi,” I snarl. “You can threaten me with your child army or the cops all you fucking want, because right now, all your underworld power and influence, all your loyal followers all mean jackshit compared to my hand on your throat and this fireball over your head, so start fucking talking, bitch!”

Her eyes flick from my face to the flames licking my hand and back again. I feel her squirm, but I've got her pushed high enough that her toes barely touch the concrete.

“What—should I talk—about?” she finally gasps. I pull back just enough to give her a little more air.

“What do you know about what happened here?!”

She smirks, even as I feel her hands trembling on my wrist. “I know Dragonness can bleed.”

So she does know Tahira's identity. I tighten my grip again, bringing the flames a little closer to her skin. They lick upward enough that I am not worried about causing any damage I don't intend, but I see the sweat blooming on her forehead. I press my face in closer.

“...Who's Avanti?”

Her eyes widen. “...What?”

“Avanti. Is she one of yours? Someone new?”

“...Where...did you...hear that?”

“Tahira said it was Avanti who stabbed her! Who is that?!”

“...So. …The plot...thickens...”

I shake her, hard enough that she lets out a strangled yelp. “I told you to talk, bitch!”

“Avanti isn't a name!” she shrieks breathlessly, struggling against my grip. “It's...not...coincidence!”

“What's not?!”

“Any of it! Same day Dragonness is attacked, Alodia Chandler is abducted, and Silas Prescott escapes!”

“Yeah, that doesn't seem like coincidence. So what do you know about it?”

“Barely more than you, I would wager,” she croaks against another increase in pressure from my hand. “...But I know that Avanti is not a name. It's a thing. A creature. From La Huerta.”

“...What kind of creature?”

I feel a hand come down on my shoulder, gently but firmly. I spare a glance, and the hand on my shoulder shines golden brown in the light from my flame.

“That's enough, Caleb,” Talos murmurs. “Let her go.”

“Fuck that! Not until she tells me what she knows!”

“There's nothing she could tell you right now that I couldn't also tell you.”

I sneer, tightening my grip. “What about her plot to steal the Prism Crystal?”

“It clearly hasn't been set in motion yet, since the Prism Crystal is secure. And trying to get the plan out of her is likely going to prove an exercise in futility. There are more important things to worry about at the moment.”

I want to argue, how the fuck is the Prism Crystal not important? ...But it's not. Not when compared to finding Tahira's attacker. I slowly release Gigi and let the flame on my hand go out. Gigi staggers back from me, coughing and rubbing her throat. I can see I've left marks. She's not gonna forgive me for that. But right at this moment, she's looking at me with genuine fear and I can finally feel a twinge of satisfaction for it. Of course, she does her best to disguise it as quick as she can.

“Looks like I've got my own knight in shining armor,” she sneers, her voice hoarse. “Too bad he appears to be running with a traitor.”

“You should be the one running, Gi,” I snarl. “Before I change my mind about letting you go.” As I summon flames to my palms for emphasis, her eyes widen. She closes her mouth and slinks into the shadows without another word. I let the flames die and lower my hands, turning to glare at Talos. He sighs.

“Don't give me that look. Interrogating her would have cost us time we don't have.”

“You can't know that she isn't involved!” I growl.

“Of course she's involved. Even if it's indirectly. She was on La Huerta at the same time as Alodia. But look me in the eye and tell me that you think she would give up any information in a timely manner?”

“I could have burned it out of her,” I mutter.

“Torture is unreliable,” he replies simply. “...The Prism Crystal is secure. You can take my word on that.”

“Why should I?” I'm just being stubborn at this point. I don't know why the hell Talos would lie about that.

“...Because if it's lost, I lose my source of liquid prism. And liquid prism is what's going to save me if you ever decide to stick a flaming sword through my gut again.”

“...Fine. Fair point. ...So what now, huh? How do we find this Avanti thing?”

“First of all, it's not Avanti. It's a...Vaanti. Two words. ...Let's go somewhere private, Caleb. I think it's time to explain.”

Jake

Rebecca and my folks show up in the small hours of the morning. They have Varyyn with them, his hologram disguise in place. They try to sneak into my hospital room to avoid disturbing me, but it's not like I can sleep anyway. Varyyn hangs back while my parents tearfully embrace me, but I watch him through the space between their heads, and I can see his tepid expression.

“Hey, Varyyn,” I murmur after my parents and sister have given me a moment to breathe. “...How are you holding up?”

Varyyn twitches slightly, and I see a guilty flush creep into his cheeks. “...I am glad to see you are safe, Jake...” He trails off, looking away.

“...But I ain't your spouse, am I.” I offer him a sympathetic smile. “...I ain't mine, either.”

His mouth twists miserably, his eyes shimmering. “...They are together,” he whispers. “They must be together.”

“God, I fucking hope so...” I look desperately at my sister. “Tell me the cops got something, Bex. Anything...”

“There is something. ...One of Alodia's students came forward. Said she had been waiting to be picked up after class and Alodia was waiting with her to go to lunch with a friend. ...She gave a description of the woman Alodia left with. Said Alodia called her 'Jeanine,' and that she didn't seem happy to see her.”

I try not to show disappointment. Three people in this room were already aware of this information, but as far as my folks know, this should be a new development. I hope I can blame my lukewarm reaction on the concussion. The odds are probably better if I can manage to say something to convince them I didn't know the kidnapper's identity already.

“...The only Jeanine I can think of that we know is someone I used to serve with. She was there on La Huerta, and she was definitely hostile to Alodia, but...” What did we all agree happened to her? What did Mike and I say at Lundgren's trial all those years ago. “...We thought she was dead.”

“Varyyn told them that the name was familiar,” Rebecca says, giving me a meaningful look behind our parents' backs. “That you had mentioned her as someone from your Navy days you had fallen out with. But since he wasn't there on La Huerta, he doesn't know the whole story.”

Oh, is that the story we're going with? Seems fucking weird to think of Varyyn being from anywhere but La Huerta, but I guess now that he has a fake ID and he can mingle in the real world, he's got to have another backstory.  

“...There is one other thing,” Rebecca continues. “Whoever took Diego and Alodia, they were prepared. For the most part, they managed to stay off the security cameras both at the college and the dance school. ...But not entirely.”

That does make me snap to attention. Well, as much as I can in a hospital bed. “So there's footage?”

“There's footage of what the police believe is the ambulance they drove. Enough frames between the two sets of security footage to get a license plate. The vehicle hasn't been found yet, but...”

“...But it's something.”

It's enough to keep hope alive, even if it feels like fear is suffocating it. Fear can't really smother hope, though. As long as I am afraid, I still have hope. It's when fear starts to turn to despair that I'll have really lost hope. When I start grieving Alodia and Diego instead of being afraid that I will have to grieve them in the future.

“...When you're discharged,” my mother speaks up, covering my hand with hers, “would you like us to take you back to California? Or would you rather come stay with us until there's more information?”

I shake my head. “...The moment there's a real credible lead, I'll be wherever my wife most needs me to be. ...But for now, I can't leave Mike. Not until I know he's okay.”

“It's up to you, of course. We can get a hotel room for awhile. But they did tell us that his family has been informed.”

I hum noncommittally. Of course I trust Mike's family to look after him when they get here. But I still don't want to leave without word of Alodia. ...How can I think about going anywhere until I know where she is? Without her, I'm adrift. I'm spinning my wheels in a blizzard, and I can't even see the road ahead, even if I could get myself unstuck.

Tahira

“So...are you actually the Endless? Or are you just a manifestation of...some aspect of me that's taken on the form of the Endless?”

The red-clad old woman does not look back at me as we slog together through what has become a mucky swamp, thick with vines, water plants, and algae.

“A little bit of both. Vaanu is communicating with you mentally. I am an alternate version of Alodia, who is essentially a manifestation of some aspect of Vaanu. Unlike the Alodia you know, however, I never lived as a human in this world. I am the Alodia who was born of Vaanu's energy and my Catalysts' needs. But I never gave myself back to Vaanu, so I never merged the timelines, and thus I was never reborn on earth as the child of human parents. I am the Alodia who never lived in California. Who never attended Hartfeld. ...I am the Alodia who rejected Vaanu, and yet I am now the Alodia who is joined with him.”

“...That was...a long-winded answer. But surprisingly straightforward. That's not to say that I totally understand, but I was expecting you to be more...cryptic.”

“Unfortunately, this straightforwardness cannot last. ...I do not know where Alodia is, and neither does Vaanu. All we have is scattered knowledge to impart to you that may or may not help you find her. In fact, my main purpose here is to help you purge the poison from your body.”

“What kind of poison is it?”

“An ancient kind. Something toxic to those from the Crystal Dimension.” She pauses, turning toward me. “Have you ever been baptized, Tahira?”

“Baptized? No. My mom was never religious, and I never got into it either. ...I did see a friend of mine get baptized once...”

We were teenagers, I remember, and she invited most of the girls in our class, and I went mostly because it meant something to someone I considered a friend. Her church had a baptismal pool, and she and the other baptismal candidates waded in one by one to speak their vows, dressed in loose white robes. Then their pastor covered their face with a towel, took them in his arms, and rocked them back into the water while speaking the ritual words before drawing them up again. The ceremony meant nothing to me, but it was interesting to watch. Before I can ask the Endless why she wanted to know, I get my answer when she takes me in her arms and gets my legs out from under me to immerse me in the water around us. But I don't have the benefit of a cloth over my face, and the Endless doesn't seem to be drawing me up again. I try to find my footing, to get my head above the water, but she isn't letting me. Or something else isn't letting me. Either way, I start to panic. But then I remember my experience earlier, and I slowly still. Cautiously, I take a breath. Water flows smoothly into my lungs, and out again, easy as air.

“Good,” the Endless says soothingly. “Just breathe. Relax. Listen. Watch.”

I try to do as I'm told. In one of my middle school art classes, we made an optical illusion toy out of a circle of cardboard and two pieces of string. On one side of the cardboard was a picture of a bird, and on the other was a birdcage. The strings attached to opposite edges of the cardboard circle, and when you wound up the string and spun the toy, the images flipped so quickly that the bird seemed to appear inside the cage. Watching the images flashing in front of me on the surface of the water feels like watching that little bird hop into the cage. Or maybe like thumbing clumsily through a flip book where some of the pages are out of order.

I see the Endless with her helmet down, flames dancing above the skeletal claw that is her bionic right hand. I see Caleb superimposed over her, and they both close their right fists to extinguish the flames. I see Minuet holding out her hand to extend a slow-motion field over an unseen opponent. Then she morphs into Alodia, wearing a haunted expression as she holds out her hand and the wind that was stirring her yellow hair stills. I see a massive tree that I think must be Elyys'tel pulsing with light. And then the light fades and the tree withers as the sky turns gray, but lights are flashing in wild neon colors behind it. The images start coming faster. I can't keep track of them. But some do get through. Vaanti. Blue-skinned males and verdant females, dressed in masks and leafy garments, with tattoos decorating their powerful, glistening bodies. Then they're gone. Replaced by a steampunk-looking tribe who hunker around a fire in a post-apocalyptic desert, their pointed teeth tearing into the raw flesh of some unfortunate animal, blood sluicing down their chins.

...Anachronists...those are Anachronists! I mean, Alodia never told me they had fangs and ate raw animals, but...the steampunk outfits give them away. I open my mouth to say as much to the Endless. But now there's a problem.

...Suddenly, I can't breathe.

[brooklynislandgirl]

It Gets You Coming and Going: Of all moral dilemmas, what's one that truly stumps you and why? {ginglymostoma cirratum}

Questionable Quotes || Accepting The question is posed in so very Anakin a way that it almost hurts for simply existing. There’s layers built up between the syllables that only someone who knows him well enough can pick out, and only the very rare amongst them that can tell you where they came from. The deepest is the bedrock of his anxiety, that deep down he believes himself so unworthy that it’s compressed down into the core of him and become the basic foundation of the rest of his personality. Closer to the surface is the silt of fear that he’s said the wrong thing and has reached the tether of her seemingly infinite patience with him. That she’s finally going to snap and savage him with tooth and claw, glutting on the softness of his emotional state until all that is left is something that once resembled the bones of his resolve. And she knows she’s mixing metaphors here but that’s how she conceptualises the things about Anakin she can’t pin to a board and press under glass. Not that she would ever do that, she finds it horrifying and cruel, especially when not that proverbially long ago collectors would do that to living specimens, murdering them with chloroform. Ether. She keeps from curling her lip.

And maybe for those few precious seconds when she can feel his gaze sliding off her and back to the edge of the water, so extremely uncomfortable in his own skin, she empathises with him. Finds it easier to make this about wanting to view himself through the prismatic lens he’s made of her, where every fractured splinter can be compared to the raw emptiness that sometimes fills his own mind and pushes everything out of the way. So he can lose himself in his perceptions ~and she can tell, so easily, when he is sinking in the stream of Time, which is almost always~ and escape for just a little while from the weight of everything resting on too fragile shoulders.

It’s entirely possible, too, and dangerously so that she interprets a good many of their conversations this way, focuses the spotlight on Anakin rather than herself because the idea of introspection makes her a little queasy. That she herself hides behind all the preconceived notions that people have of her that she twists and bends herself to fit into because without them she would be as shapeless as the infinite void of the darkness that lingers at the very edge of the Horizon in the deepest umbral reaches.

And of course she would also never admit to maybe spending too much time dwelling on the reasons why the question wounds her as a means of putting emotional distance and actual thought far out of the way ~out of sight, out of mine. Because it is not the easiest thing to answer. In fact she isn’t sure there’s one that would capture intent as much as interpretation.

The problem with morality as it would be defined by most people is that it is an arbitrary system. An socio-artificial construct that puts a distinction between right and wrong, or good and bad behaviour. And much like consensual reality, the guidelines of such behaviour are dictated by people. And all people are fallible. Even the Holy Father, though he’s not supposed to be.

There are other factors to consider as well. Does he mean specifically as the question relates to Sleepers? Does he mean as it relates to the Awakened as they, master and apprentice, are? If they are speaking about the masses, then are there certain cultural borders they’re straying across? What is good for one group of society is clearly not very often understood by others and so what might be wrong or atrocious in belief may have mitigating circumstances if viewed outside of one’s own group. Then of course there’s the difference between an individual's moral dilemmas and ethical ones, which are similar but still vastly different. Not unlike the Traditions versus the Technocratic Union. And this is obviously not what Anakin means because he’s never seen the heated debates that often took a twist at the dinner table between herself and her brothers.

She wants to tell him, that of course, there’s all of these factors to be taken into consideration. Wants to ask him what he means ~specifically~ in regards to whose morals are being questioned and she knows too that by doing so she will somehow manage to trample his self-worth because he’ll judge himself as not having spoken clearly enough, slowly or carefully enough. That he did not adequately set up the scenario and thus given her something incomplete to work with. There will come a stunning display of beautiful if heartbreaking physical manifestations of that internal grief and she might actually expire from the grief of it all. And she isn’t being nasty about it, she isn’t mocking him in that breath of silence as she considers all of this.  It is something that she’s come to experience in the almost year that they have spent bound together by practice and...funnily enough...tradition. And she likes to think she knows Anakin this well by now, that however hard he tries to hide it, she will see.

She reaches into the bucket beside her and takes a hold of another chunk of meat and tosses it out across the murky water. It lands with a specific and yet sad little plop before disappearing below the surface. She watches the way his cigarette smoke rises up to wreathe around his curls a little wild tousled today. It’s a little ironic that she could see him as a dragon, and maybe there’s some Mokolé blood in his family tree, as much as there is shark in hers. But he’s still reserved enough that he doesn’t stick his converse down over the side of the decrepit little dock they’re on. To be fair, his legs are far longer, far too close to the dark, algae choked surface. He’s never had his calf nearly torn right off the bone and probably doesn’t need that experience. Not with his hand in the state it’s in, the way cold and weariness make his bones and joints ache with nothing to compensate for it.

And that’s the point where she realises that now she’s just stalling, letting herself drift along the paths of thought, further and further away from the question asked. So she breathes out a sigh and allows a soft curve settle to her lips that is neither exactly a smile or even a smaller grin. It’s something along the lines of patience made manifest, her natural inclination toward indulging Anakin, and it’s also...tired. The kind of thing that appears when she’s worked herself to the bone and hasn’t slept for days but continues to push herself until she’s at the exact point of inevitable collapse. And how often does she do that more and more these days. Doesn’t even try to make it to her room when he’s just as comfortable as his bed and far warmer even if it’s a slightly unhealthy symptom of his body’s attempt to keep his extremities in life-giving blood. She leans back, wiggling her toes out in front of her, though her legs are still covered by the broom-skirt she’s wearing, arms bracing herself from behind, slick and red, sure to leave prints she’ll have to clean up before they leave.  “I don’ t’ink dis really a fair question, Anakin. I mean... dere’s factors. A precise synt’esis would define culture as a body of ideas; norms, rules, standards, values, an’ beliefs. So dat different cultures would derefore have different moral an’ et’ical impact. An’ mebbe even between one generation an’ anoddah, like dem boomers an’ millennials. I mean, you an’ me are kinda li’dat too, as technically I’m a millennial an’ you’re Gen Z. Between all people dere’s dis enforced, learned social norm dat are symbolically an’ practically reinforced an’ referenced in displays dat signal adherence to any specific system. Now, I know ya no talk story about all kine people, ya specifically aks me ‘bout my own issue an’ I guess...” She trails off trying to regather herself. When she speaks again she does that thing she does when she thinks something is important enough to give him the best chance of understanding her, but that slows her speech, gives it a brittle edge.

“Even as hapa ~being half Hawai’ian~ my mother taught me about kuleana. Loosely translated it means “responsibility”. It’s dis concept of reciprocal relationships between the person who is responsible, an’ the things or persons they are responsible for. As Hawai’ians, we have a kuleana to our ‘aina, our land. To care for it and to respect it, and in return... the land has the kuleana to feed, shelter and clothe us. Through that relationship we maintain balance within society and with the natural environment. But you look at the world and everything is for sale, raped by greed and the need to consume. To conform. This... this is a sign of what my uncle’s people call the Apocalypse, but not like in disaster movies. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll tell you all about that.

“Another concept is...Pono. There’s no real translation for it, it’s a concept that incorporates many things. But many people use it to imply righteousness, but not like the way it’s used in society today. For us, anyway, it’s a very strong cultural and spiritual concept for a state of harmony and balance. So you can see how they relate? By accepting your kuleana and making sure you act on them in the right way, you are living pono. Living pono means to make a conscious decision to do the right thing in terms of self, others, and the environment. And we make no distinction between human and animal or plant, in that way.” She slants that hazel gaze toward him via one eye slitted open to make sure he’s following along.  “And I don’t mean that cutting down a tree is the same as say murder. But in a way, it is. You are killing something that was alive. You are taking its mana. If you do it with proper thanks and reverence, if you ensure that you are doing it sustainably, to feed yourself or build a shelter for your family, then you’re behaving within your kuleana. But clear-cutting an entire rain-forest so you can build a luxury golf-course and resort, displacing thousands and thousands of indigenous wild life and polluting the waters and destroying layers and layers of earth, not to mention the risk of exposing entire tribes of people who have no natural resistance to what are common, immunised illnesses? That is no different than slaughtering those very same lives in a far more expedient way. And I don’t know if you think I’m crazy, or if I am over-simplifying the tragedy that we as an entire world of people are creating and contributing to but you can see...the earth herself is restless. She is angry. And those throes of agony ~the global warming, the spirits crying out, the violence and disease...they are all symptoms of that anger, because people as a whole have lost their way. They trust too much in technology and in coping mechanisms that only breed more trouble...”

She’s momentarily lost in the weeds, but there’s no denying the passion in her voice as it trembles with pure and unbridled rage at society’s ills. And not just the ones that have landed on the Sleepers whom they are, in their own ways, charged with protecting, but the ones amongst their own kind and those of the others. “So I suppose, the dilemma I just cannot begin to understand is...with so much happening, and the world around us vanishing with every breath...why are we unable to reach an understanding. Why do we have to fight this war about whose mana is bigger, is better than someone else’s. And not just the Traditions ourselves. Our infighting is bad but we can typically talk things out. I specifically mean this war with the Technocrats. Their science isn’t doing much to improve lives these days and more and more people are looking for alternatives, for the Old Ways. Why not work with us instead of trying to kill or imprison us? Or why can’t some of us... Verbena and Dreamspeakers... some of you Euthanatos- why can’t we make a pact with the Wolfkin. Or the last of the lizard kings-” She glances askance at him a second time in a very playful and knowing fashion. Which is disturbing considering the nature of the remains in the ice chest she was tossing into the water just moments ago. “It isn’t like some of us hasn’t been busy keeping their kin fed. So I think just like the Traditions coming together, or the Technocrats forming their union, maybe it’s time we put political and spiritual beliefs to the side and just work together for the things we want. We’re all really trying to fight the same enemy, and I promise it isn’t you, and it isn’t me and it isn’t Bil..it isn’t any one person. There is evil out there. Real, terrifying evil. Take this guy. What he did to those kids...He was a disease. And like the healer I am and like...like the man you will some day become, we did what was right, for everyone.” Beth shudders then shakes her head.  “I don’t even know how to answer your question, or if I did. All I can say is...there’s no part of me that has any shame for the way I live my life, and therefore there’s no moral dilemma. But if one comes up, I promise you’ll be the first line of defense for my understanding and sanity.”

[cowtale-utau]

ooh how would the guys react to the s/i’s situation i described in my last ask? you mentioned some of them being more knowledgable than others—! :o also, in the case of an s/i w/ the issues mentioned in my matchup (i.e. No SSRIs In Cowboy Times), is there anything that could be done to like, at least mitigate the withdrawal that would definitely happen or is miss mc on her own lol

You didn’t specify if you wanted each individual reaction, or just the highlights, so Imma be a bit more general this go ‘round, but if you want me to do separate answers for each I will. Just lemme know, and be warned, it would take me a bit because I imagine it would get long.

So at this point, they’re pretty much all used to weird shit. So no ones really gonna be losing it over this. Weird for a non-Firsk/Chara human to come through, but eh, whatever. 

Then it becomes a question of “where did you come from?”. Did you fall from the world the original bunch was copied from? Were you copied over too? Did you fall from the “real world”? (which would raise a whole new bunch of questions and existential issues) Did the creator pull you in/over or was this some strange fluke. Ace would agonize over it. Shine and Calico know, and theoretically could “jump ship” at anytime, but seeing as they are “only copies” don’t see much point. Its pleasant enough here, so they’re kinda whatever about it. If you could convince Shine, they might try to help you get back if you wanted. Similar for Aurum and Viridis. They know. They can’t really leave on a whim like the LustBros, but they’re privy to a lot more than they let on. 

Whether your on your own or not is kinda dependent on you and who’s around when you fall. No one’s going to dismiss you out of hand, but if you were combative or threatening, they might choose to back away and leave you to your own devices. But make a genuine plea for help, and someone is going to answer.

As for treatment. The easy one would be withdrawal mitigation. Careful monitoring and judicious use of healing magic could get you safely through it. As for treatment, there’s a few possibilities, depending on a couple of factors, mostly whether or not you had any of your meds on you when you fell, and how willing you are. If you have some meds with you, it’s possible to convince some of the more science inclined characters to try to replicate them. It might be a bit messy for awhile while they figure it out, but they’ll do there best to ease you through it. It’s also possible with time and practice to find the right balance of intent and understanding of the condition to use magic as a treatment. This would leave you more dependent, as you can’t just take a bottle of magic with you if you leave, but it is an option. 

Where things can get kinda questionable on it. I actually hesitated to bring this up, as I didn’t want anyone to misunderstand what exits in this fiction as a representation of my beliefs. The magic of human mages works much differently than that of monsters. If you were to find a human mage with the correct magical, moral, and ethical inclinations, there are a lot of options. They could magic you up your medication (easier again if you still have some), they could also treat the symptoms, through their own means, but there’s another option as well. One that frankly has some rather horrifying (to me at least) implications. Many of these conditions are caused by how the brain works or is “wired”. A mage could, technically, alter that. They could rewrite/rewire your brain to just, not be like that anymore. But the question then is, would you even be you anymore? 

I went on a big long ass rant on my views of Autism/ADHD/Etc, being on the spectrum myself, and what not, but I deleted it. The jist is, I won’t say anyone in the world, with any amount of magic or science could “fix” you. There’s nothing to fix. There are ways existent in the world to change you. That is a very different thing, and would be entirely up to the character/person in question. Technically anything about anyone or anything could be changed with the proper application of magic. I don’t want anyone to misunderstand my thoughts or stances on these things. These conditions could be changed, but it would fundamentally alter who that person is. Just like ones entire personality could be changed. What they do/don’t like. Their appearance. Their memories. Magic can change anything, if you can find someone willing to do it. But that it can be done doesn’t mean it should, or that it is morally/ethically acceptable. That’s between the people involved, and whatever higher power/moral standard they ascribe to.

I hope that answers your question, and that I didn’t mishandle the issue. It’s touchy, for me and a lot of people. I agonized over including the bit about mages, and discussed it with several people before leaving it. The idea that people exist out there capable of altering your neurology is kinda cool, and also super scary, and I didn’t want to leave it out. Anyway, lemme know if there,s anything else you want/need.