#but theres so many other things that feel more emotionally intimate to me than sex

[threecheersmaka]

Sex is fr so uninteresting to me it’s always felt as if sex is this hyped up restaurant that everyone tells me is the best joint in the entire city and then I go there and have the food and it’s just. Mid.

[alreadyblondenow]

Mark, this is how we broke up

idol!Mark Lee x reader // SMUT, FLUFF, ANGST (?) Summary: She taught him how to fuck but there’s so much more going on in their relationship. Word Count: 6k Warnings: Sex, Sex, Sex, actual sex and mentions of sex, filthy, mentions of rough sex, mentions of forced sex, emotionally unstable Mark, slightly addicted to sex, Mentions of other idols, mentions of birth control side effects, mentions of pregnancy, unprotected sex and protected sex, cursing, mature or at least trying to be Note: inspired by the recent breakup that I had. There’s no way that this ‘might’ be true. We all know Mark is a nice boy. If you’re not okay with any of the warning please click away.

“Ohh- Mark! Right there!”

“Right here? Hmm?” Mark puts more pressure on her clit and eventually pinches it to make her sensitive. Her legs closed and she received a juicy smack on her ass, “Why are you closing your legs? Don’t you like what I’m doing, huh?” his mouth is near her ear, every heavy breath, groan or moan from him goes directly to her ear and straight to her pussy.

With all the energy she still have, she praises Mark while he continues to fuck her senseless. Both of his hands are on the side of her head, having a full view of Mark’s ethereal visuals. Blonde sex hair flowing as he moves back and forth, his thin silver necklace dangling on his neck, his face completely contorted as he fucks her good.

Mark leans on her to suck on her boobs putting her completely on edge and is about to have a great orgasm. Mouth formed an ‘o’ shape, her hands raking Mark’s arms as she ask him to “please stop” but Mark will only stop when he wants to. Because of her high pitch moan and sharp exhales, Mark knew she had a great orgasm which feeds his pride more.

Gritting his teeth, he lifted his hips and gave her sharp quick thrusts while she’s still sensitive from her previous orgasms. “Hold on just a bit, I’m almost there” he whispers. He fucks the girl like he’s proving something, catching his own release and making the girl beneath him cry from over stimulation. He groaned a little too loud, but he doesn’t care. It’s his own damn apartment.

Removing his cock inside her throbbing hole, Mark rolls to the side and discarded the condom, throwing it to the trash near his bed. He watches the girl shiver beside him, closing her legs tight to ease the sensitivity. With one touch of Mark’s cold fingers on her shoulder, the girl let out a whine. “Relax, I’m just helping you calm down and cover your body” he said as he covers the girl with his thick blue sheets.

Head resting on the headboard with both of his hands pillowing his head, the room was cold and quiet as Mark lay beside her naked with a soft cock. “I’m a hooker but, you’re something- there’s something to the way you fuck” she started a conversation after calming down. “It’s getting late, I’ll call you a cab” he avoids the subject politely.

After the hooker left, Mark feels lonely again in his big apartment. Thinking about what the hooker told him earlier. It made him have flashbacks he didn’t want to have. He’s lonely enough right now, he can’t afford to think about you. But it’s too late. He’s now swimming to the happy memories he had with you, trying so hard not to think about how he ruined a once in a lifetime relationship and just focused on how your smile gives warmth to his heart.

“I miss you, y/n” he murmurs before he drifts into sleep, hoping to dream about you.

FOUR YEARS AGO

You’re starting your new life in Korea with a job at one of the country’s biggest company, SM Entertainment as part of NCT’s creative team specifically on fashion deparment. The job was stressful and tiring but theres nothing you could not handle, you love what you do. Working for NCT made you love the members like your own brother, all except for one member. Mark Lee.

It all started when you realised that Mark is not a boy anymore but a man who wants to gain experience with mature stuff. You and Mark eye each other during music video and vlog shoots and you both grew fondly, sneakily hold hands under the table during company dinners, texting and calling nonstop when you don’t see each other for weeks.

Mark has always been sweet to you and he’s not ashamed to show you how he feels. One time they used flowers as props for the shoot and Mark secretly put a flower near your stuff with a note, “You did well today.” He bought Starbucks drinks for all the staffs so he could give you your favorite drink freely and without hiding, “Noona, this is for you. Fighting for today.” Whenever other members are flirting with you, he will stop the members from bugging you and tell them, “Noona already has a boyfriend, don’t bother flirting” and it always makes you blush how Mark is so overprotective.

You and Mark became more than friends but less than lovers for almost half a year. And Mark’s constant want to make you feel love pushed him to ask you out officially. Taking you on private dates around Seoul, making time for you and letting the members and his manager know about your relationship.

Since you’re Mark’s first girlfriend, he’s not a perfect boyfriend. At least not yet. He always picks up a fight with you, decides recklessly when it comes to your relationship, and he’s moving so fast. “I’m just saying that if we start living together, we will fight less and we can have more time together” he said as he argues to you on the phone.

You don’t answer him because it’s useless, he will somehow get what he wants because he has the money, and you love him. Mark let out sharp exhale on the phone, “Okay I’m sorry. I’m being childish again. I’ll stop by at your apartment after dance practice. I love you”

He arrived at 11pm in your apartment with his manager. “Take care of him y/n, he has a headache. A bad one. Overworked I guess” his manager said before leaving you and Mark. Your boyfriend kiss you on the lips and greeted you, “Hi” weak and sleepy, Mark hugged you tight.

While watching him eat dinner he tells you everything about his day at work, how he’s preparing for three comebacks these past few months and he needs to finish writing four songs in two weeks. “Good thing I have you by the end of the day, right?” he said after finishing his meal. You hand him some painkillers for his headache, “Yes. Now, come to bed with me. No more working please, Mark. Even the best people in the world rest at night” realising that you’re right, he nods and let you take him to your bedroom.

“What will I do without you” he whispers to you before going to sleep with you.

The thing is, many people don’t know that Mark is actually vulnerable and emotionally unstable. Sometimes he’s not confident with his songs and he needs you to help him write because he only trusts what you say. If you say this phrase is good, or you honestly don’t like the words in this song he will take your word from it. That’s how much he depends on you. And sometimes, it puts you in a hard position because Mark is depending on you all the time is a heavy responsibility.  

It’s like he really can’t get everything done without you or without your opinion. It’s not that he doesn’t trust the other members, it just so happens that your opinion matters above anything else.

Mark may be too sweet and gentle most of the time, but he’s horny for you. Really horny. Whenever you’re alone with him in your apartment he always initiates having sex and you always say no and he respects that. You’re definitely not a virgin anymore and you have way too much experience, but Mark doesn’t. It’s not a problem of course, but you just wan’t to take it slow. Wait for the perfect time to finally have sex.

Mark being the virgin in this relationship and the one who lacks experience, he tries so hard to ruin his innocence before the day you two finally have sex. Watching tons of porn and take notes to some stuff he can do with you, working out more so he can at least look good in bed.

Sure you’ve done other stuff together, from making out wherever and whenever to giving oral to each other in the morning or before you both go to sleep. Back when Mark saw you  half naked in bed for the first time he didn’t know how to touch you, you used to teach him how to properly touch you in the way you like to be touched by your boyfriend. Now, he’s the one surprising you in bed whenever your legs are widely spread for him and his head is in between you eating your pussy like there’s no tomorrow.

After dating for nine months, Mark convinced you to live together as your birthday gift to him. “Please, you know how much I want live with you” he pout in front of you while you take his body measurements for a new stage costume. He worked hard last year and he bought himself his first own apartment and he told you he wanted to share it with you. How can you refuse that kind of offer when he’s trying so hard to be a part of your life, forever.

You moved in with Mark and you filled his apartment with happy memories, never ending laughter and giggles because he’s a funny guy. The kitchen became a learning place for him because you teach him how to cook almost everyday and he’s doing great. Peaceful mornings are both your favorite, it makes him feel like a normal person who cooks breakfast for you and waking up with his girlfriend in his arms is something not normal for an idol.

“This place is our safe place, only for us. No fan service for me, no boss for you to please. Just Mark and Y/n.”

Lately work is not giving you a hard time and so does Mark. You two always go home together, spend more time together, and finally had the perfect time to be more intimate. It’s been like this for almost a week already, It’s a Friday night and after having dinner and taking a warm bath before bed, you and Mark found each other in the middle of bed cuddling. Hands intertwined and legs all tangled up.

“What if I tell you, we could finally have sex tonight?” you asked him. Ruffling his damped hair from his hot shower.

“I’d say, ‘tsk. don’t tease me’” he said with a small smile in his face. His breath touches your cheeks because you’re too close with each other.

“No, seriously we can”

He pull away from your embrace, just a little to look at your face if you’re serious. “Scratch that, I’d say ‘what’s gotten into you?’” he dives in for a slow kiss, cupping your face with one hand while the other is still intertwined with yours.

Seeing you unbutton your sleepwear made him realise that you’re serious. He kissed you more and removes his shirt and sweat pants leaving him with only his boxer briefs. You on the other hand is exposed wearing only your white panties.

Feeling excited and a bit nervous, Mark slowly crawled in between your legs and he looks handsome than ever. It’s not your first time but you feel like a virgin again, that untouched seventeen year old. Mark smiled at you before he removes your panties, watching his own hands slide your underwear down.

He came close to you just beside your ear giggling like a little boy, “I’m nervous” he said and proceeds to kiss your neck. It seems like he knew exactly what he was doing, but you can’t blame him for being honest. “I’ll be vocal as possible” he hums in approval and continues to kiss every inch of your body.

He managed to remove his boxer briefs while licking your wet pussy, your eyes are closed and your hands are tugging his soft hair. Moaning his name whenever his tongue hits a good spot, putting more pressure and intensity bringing you to your first orgasm. Mark became really good at giving you oral you thought.

“I think you’re ready” he whispered as he grabs the condom on the drawer beside the bed. While you watch him roll the condom on his cock, your heart skipped a beat when he faced you and hold your legs open. The next thing you know, he’s slamming his dick in your pussy making you shout and jolt your hips beneath him, “Ah! Easy- baby, Im not going anywhere!”

The whole time you were having sex, he was not minding about your pleasure. He was so focused on his own sweet release and he can see that you’re not liking it but you let him continue.

Given that it’s Mark’s first time, the first round didn’t go well. “Do you want me to takeover?” you feel bad about it, but to be honest you wan’t Mark to never forget this night the night he losses his virginity. He hugs you tight while he’s on top of you feeling really ashamed of what he just did.

“There’s no need to feel shy baby. We have all night and a lot of days to have great sex. Come on, I’ll ride you” he’s still not moving and still hugging you tight, caressing your hair and enjoying your warm body beneath him.

“Okay baby, I need to breath. You’re heavy ugh-“ you tricked him and he didn’t have a choice but to pull away. You laughed and switched positions, putting your legs on both sides of his hips wetting his cock with you wet pussy. He felt your pussy raw for the first time and he loves it, holding your hips and as you slowly grind on top of him. “I got you” you leaned forward to give him a peck on on the lips.

His right arm swings to his head, as if he can’t believe what’s happening. Moaning your name so deliciously, “Oh, it feels good” he said with an airy tone. His mouth is open the whole time you were grinding on his cock, stopping himself from cumming too early. You grabbed a new condom on the drawer, and rolled it on his hard cock.

“Now put inside me” you said oh so sexily. With shaking hands, he lines his cock to your cunt and he watched how your pussy swallow his thick cock and let out a soft ‘fuck’ when it fully disappeared. You smile on top of him as you wait for yourself to get used from the stretch before moving. Both of your hands are on his chest as you watch him moan and move his head from side to side while you clench and unclench your pussy.

“I’m not going to last long if you keep doing that” he voiced out, you only let out a small chuckle.

“Try to stop cumming so early and enjoy it, Mark” you finally move your hips, grinding slowly, fucking him like how he deserves to be fucked. Mark’s hands grips on your hips so tightly the whole time you were fucking him slowly, making sure he won’t forget this moment. He’s peeking from his lashes, trying to get a look at you while you fuck him for the first time in his life.

“I’m glad you’re my first fuck” he said, trying to smile at you with hooded eyes, head rolled back to the pillows on his head and looking so fucking hot as he enjoys the pleasure you’re giving right now.

When you’ve had enough of slow fucking him, you tighten you grip on his shoulder and doubled your pace. Making you both moan each other’s name, his cock is finally making you feel good. You feel Mark’s cock twitch inside you and leaned closer to him, kissing him passionately as you bring him to edge.

To your surprise he bit your lower lip when he finally reached his climax with mouth open, eyes closed and brows furrowed. You smiled beneath him as you watch him cum and shiver, his hands still gripping both of your ass cheeks.

As he slowly open his eyes, he gave you a sweet smile and his tight grip became soft touches around your back. You flop on top of him as he caress your hair again. “How’s that for our first time?” you asked him, still weak from his orgasm.

“I still feel bad because I can’t fuck you good though” he said, but he looks happy now. You switched positions again so he could have the honour of pulling out after having a mind blowing orgasm. Slowly pulling out his dick, Mark watched your pussy stretched while he pull out. Kissing it like it’s your lips and apologising for not making you cum using his dick, on your first night having sex.

“Thank you for this. I mean, I should be the one making it special for you. But I failed and like, I really feel bad about it but like, I don’t know. Somehow it went wrong” he pulls the thick sheets to cover your naked bodies and lay beside you. Keeping you close and admiring your beautiful face.

“It’s not like you didn’t tried making me feel good, baby. You made me feel good too, I wouldn’t be wet the entire time if-“ in the middle of your explanation he put a finger on your slit and checked if you’re telling the truth and if you’re still good to go for another round. “you startled me” you said, enjoying the way his fingers move slowly.

“Want to give me a second chance?”

Without hesitation, you nod your head and kissed Mark sloppily. Mark is a fast learner, you didn’t know but the whole time you were fucking him earlier he was observing how you want things. He found out that he should take things slow, entering your tight pussy and looking directly in your eyes this time, “Mark, how did you know I’m in love with your eyes? Ah! fuck!” his hips moves slow and it feels way better than the first and second time.

The third round made Mark a little confident on fucking you, he made you moan his name, grip his shoulder, close your eyes and open your mouth as you ask for more. He was asking you how can he make you feel better even though you’re already batshit losing your mind on how good he feels inside you.

‘How fast do you want me to go? Hmm?’ ‘Baby, can I bite your nipples?’ ‘Clench all you want baby, I won’t cum before you do I promise’ ‘Want me to kiss you here? Okay’

‘What? You want another round after this? Me too’

“I love you” he whispered while thrusting with a steady pace that you specifically asked. Kissing you while he wait for a response. He chuckled and felt proud when he saw you smile and out of words. Finally, he made you cum using his dick, with a little help of his fingers putting on your clit.

Feeling so accomplished before he finally sleep after using all five condoms that he have. He hugged you tight and whispered how in love he is with you but you’re already sleeping. Kissing you good night as you don’t know how happy Mark Lee is.

After that unforgettable night, you and Mark have sex almost everyday and just as you expected he became more confident in bed and even more sexier as each day passes. Sometimes he can be a little bit more filthier and rougher in bed, like that one time when he spits on your pussy, putting back your panties on and fucked you good wearing those ruined panties.

And that one time when he was so tired from practice, he fucked you really rough that night. Skipping foreplay and slamming his hard cock inside your dry pussy, “Mark! I’m not yet ready” you said as you try pushing his body away from you but he said, “I don’t care” in the most sexiest way ever and it turned you on. He apologised later after that night and he never did it again, because he knew it was wrong. But you said you liked it and it was pretty hot.

The members noticed Mark’s glow whenever you two had a great fuck from the night before and they always tease him for not being a baby anymore. His experience with sex made him write more songs about it. About you. Which the managers loved without a doubt and because of that Mark goes home to you every night with a big smile. Tired but happy.

You stopped using condoms when you finally took birth control shots. Having sex without a condom is new to Mark but this time, everything went well. You completely can’t get enough of each other, you passed out that night from too much fucking.

During his back to back to back comebacks and preparations with NCT 127 and SuperM, you both had busy schedules and stressful days because of work. And he comes home tired, sometimes frustrated and mad. You had sex more often because of stress and usually Mark is the one asking for it. Day and night, before you both leave for work and at night before you sleep.

If theres peace, chaos will somehow enter your lives. The side effects of the birth control shots was ten times harder than taking a normal birth control pill and it’s causing the fight in your relationship most of the time. Whenever Mark wants to have sex but you don’t because you don’t feel well due to the side effects, he sometimes make his way to you and convince you eventually. “You won’t move, I promise to do all the work” but the sex itself makes you sick even more.

You wanted to stop taking the birth control shot but Mark insist, telling you that it’s much safer than condoms. The thought of Mark getting you pregnant would brought chaos to the world, both of your careers would be ruined plus neither one of you is ready to be a parent. So you did it for Mark, you continued taking the birth control shot even though you really don’t want to.  

He’s not always like this, he’s only an asshole whenever he’s really really stressed at work which happens thrice a week, and the fight will usually last a week long. This happened during the preparation for Kick It era and Punch era and SM were making you both work like crazy.

Sometimes Mark sleeps at the dorms after yelling at you and picking a fight with you, “I make time so we could spend quality time together but you always make me feel like shit by refusing to make love and spend time with me. I don’t get you anymore!”

And sometimes you force yourself to work overtime just so you could forget the fight and have a breather. “Stay mad all you want, I don’t care I have work to do”

Most of the time it’s always job over the relationship and you notice Mark’s slight addiction on having sex with you. Not that he became a sex addict, no. Maybe he’s just really stress and he depends to you a lot, that’s why.

Even though the red flags were all bright and waving, you just brush it off and still stay with Mark. But one time you tried telling it to him, and he didn’t take it well. Anger clouded his mind, “Just tell me to stop having sex with you and stop accusing me.” It hurts when Mark doesn’t listen to what you feel and seeing him leave for practice without even looking to you straight up makes your heart ache.

When you didn’t come home because of work one night and Mark stayed up late waiting for you, the thought of you not living with him anymore and you leaving him in general scared the shit out of him. He went back to SM building to apologise, only to find you sleeping soundly in a small couch, curled up to an uncomfortable position but you’re tired already.

“Baby” he woke you in the most quiet way possible not wanting your officemates to wake up and see him. Thankfully your sleep was not that deep and you heard Mark’s whispers, “Mark?” you whisper back.

“Come home, please?” you came home with him without hesitation, scared that the other employees might see him if he stayed longer in public with you.

Mark always find a way to talk it out and make amends. He will need you and you will always understand him and everything will be peaceful for a few days or if you get lucky, weeks. But life will always find a way to make you two fight and make up, and do it over and over again. Breaking up was never a solution, Mark knew that all too well. He can’t live without you.

Sex feels good again lately and you haven’t fought for over three weeks already. He’s been incredibly sweet and caring, taking you out on dates and helping you with work whenever he can. Honestly you’ve been pretty worried about him, he’s been having anxiety and worries about his songs lately. Even questioning his own profession, ‘What if being an idol is not for me? Like, what if I have a different calling that’s why I suck at what I do now?” Mark throwing you questions like this makes you love him harder. Pouring every support you can give to him and stretch your patience more for him. His mental health becomes more and more unstable and it went on like this for roughly half a year already.

The past few months were quiet as if peace has taken over your lives again. Mornings became more peaceful and Mark makes love with you instead of just having sex for the sake of stress release. Kick It and Punch were both successful, now you’re both enjoying your long awaited rest eating watermelons in bed. Even though you’re both aware about Mark’s unstable mental state, life can still be sweet and beautiful because of the love you share.

“I’d trade any moment for peaceful times like this with you” he said, “our second year anniversary is coming” he scrunched his nose in front of you while munching. “I have the best gift for you and you won’t guess it this time” he speaks proud and you smirk at him, feeling excited about it. “I don’t want anything in this world. Just never leave me” he added.

Rest days are always your favorite because you two can stay in bed the whole day, watch Netflix, sing in the shower together for almost two hours, dates around Seoul, shopping together, have lazy sex, have filthy sex. In other words, no calls from work or idol schedules for Mark.

“Are you trying to get me pregnant?” you giggle as you brush Mark’s hair away from his face. Feeling his soft skin against yours, touching his muscles while you come down from your high.

“Maybe” kiss, “what if I am?” kiss, “I miss having fun like this in bed with you” kiss. Mark is siting in bed with you on top of him, sitting on his lap. His head in resting on the head board, arms around your body. He has a full view of your boobs and your glowing face.

“You know I like seeing you cum on top of me” you hum in approval, “three more rounds? What do you say?” he waits for your answer, not forcing you this time. Making sure he won’t do what he did from the past that made you hate him and cry in bed. Mark almost lost you that night.

Of course you want three more rounds in bed with Mark. “That’s my girl” he licks the valley between your boobs, hugging you close as you use his cock inside you for your own sweet release. Arms around his neck, you push him closer to your chest as he bites your nipples and eventually sucking them. “Mark, that feels good” you moan to make sure he won’t stop doing what he’s doing.

“C-close, Mark I’m close”

He lowers your body as he takes over on thrusting in you on top of his lap. Gripping and tugging anything you could find in bed as he fucks you senseless making your boobs bounce in front of him, lust taking over him fully. “Fuuuck!” you screamed and quickly hugged him to stop, he got the message. Hands caressing your bare back as you shiver on top of Mark’s lap, legs weak as you flop back down to the mattress making Mark giggle and draw small circles on your nipple as he lays beside you. After two more rounds, you begged him for one more round and ride him good as a thank you for making you feel good the whole night.  

“My stylist said I should go for a striking pink for SuperM comeback, I don’t know if that will suit me… Will it? Do you think I should go for it?” again with his dependancy to you.  

Mark is at a hair salon with Taeyong getting their hair done and ready for SuperM comeback happening in less than a week. Hearing that he will have a striking pink hair made you stop what you’re doing and imagine what he would look like. “Are you sure this is not about loving watermelons?” He giggled through the phone, “No.”

When he came home with a striking pink hair, you laughed at him but deep inside he looks handsome. “Well, you look yummy” you kissed him and smelled his hair. He picked you up bridal style and ran to your shared bedroom and tickled you until you cry tears of joy.

Tomorrow is your second anniversary and you can’t spend it together because he’s busy with SuperM promotions. Mark is a simple man who likes simplicity and nothing too fancy in life so looking for a really good anniversary gift is challenge. But you can’t give up. You decided to buy him a new guitar, similar with the one has but somewhat better and different. Inside the guitar there’s a written simple message that he can read whenever he’s doubting again.

It’s already five in the morning and Mark will leave in fifteen minutes. When you open your eyes, you see a cute Mark Lee kissing you until you wake up. He smells clean, his fingertips are cold against your skin, “Happy anniversary. This is one out of two for my anniversary gift” he slips a silver ring on your left ring finger which perfectly fits.

“It’s a promise ring if you’re wondering. I promise to be a better boyfriend. And I saw your gift by the way. I love it. I can’t wait to use it and sing to you after promotions. Just hang in there okay? I love you”

You went got up and it’s surprisingly cold, still sleepy and tired from last night, you saw a bouquet of flowers on top of the coffee table and a paper that contains Girls Generation’s members signature. Complete and framed. It made you happy and laugh because he used his idol card again just to make you smile over the silliest things.

The SuperM promotions was longer than expected but Mark is having a great time with his Hyungs. While Mark is away you’re work keeps on piling up because the company transferred you from NCT to Red Velvet, which you enjoyed because now you’re making costumes for girls.

You and Mark focused on work and it didn’t made you feel angry in fact, you think that Mark being away can make you focus better at work. You realised that you’re better off away from each other. As days and weeks go by, you think about moving out of Mark’s apartment. But he wouldn’t let you do it so you think of another plan.

Mark has been calling you for days already and you only answer just for the sake of telling him that you’re fine. From there on Mark sensed something wrong and the feeling doesn’t sit well on him. Being far from you makes him overthink stuff and imagine things that has the worst case scenario. Like you, getting tired of him because he’s emotionally unstable.

It’s almost midnight and you were just finishing work when Mark came out of nowhere and surprised you. “Surprise! I’m home! Oh, I’ve missed you so much” he said and showered your cheeks with kisses his hug getting tighter and tighter.

You irritatedly pushed him away.

“Okay- that’s new” he let out a sigh, “What did I do now?”

You crossed your arms and lean on the wall, you don’t know how to say it but you’ve made up your mind. You’re going to leave him. “I’m breaking up with you” He stopped listening after you said it.

“It’s funny how I saw this coming but still I had faith with you! I had faith with you that you will not chose to leave me, but fuck-“ he punched the wall, completely hurting his hand you wanted to come to him so bad and made him stop hurting himself but you can’t. To be honest his ears rang, he was light headed and he feel like throwing up. Tiredness and breakup in the middle of the night is not a good mixture.

“Don’t get me wrong please, I don’t hate you. I want to fix this baby, I tried thinking about about solutions and guess what we already tried everything and were still a mess. It bothers me. Knowing that we all have these problems all along and ignoring it over and over again- it’s bothering me baby. We can’t fix it, we can’t fix us”

Admitting that fighting for the relationship made you tired, is a hard pill to swallow. And it hurts because choosing to love yourself this time will hurt him. His emotional dependancy, the sex, and now you don’t know if you want the same things in life anymore.

You wanted to choose yourself this time and do what’s best for you. Because in the past two years, you’ve doing everything what’s best for Mark and Mark only because that’s how you love him. And leaving him is how you can love yourself.

“A week” he blurted out while you were in the moment of pouring out all your concerns. “A week off baby, let’s give each other some space” he kissed your forehead and left you. After what happened he figured, for sure you don’t want to sleep on the same bed with him.  

The space that Mark asked for just made him missed you, it made him realised how he’s been taking your patience for granted and how he’s using every part of your being for his own good. He wanted to fix that. He wanted to fix it so badly.

Looking back over the years, he remembered how you didn’t want to live together but he made you because it’s his birthday wish. ‘Mark how can you ask something like that?’ he told himself, hating himself more.

He remembered how you didn’t want to take birth control shots anymore because you’re having side effects already. And instead of being concerned he got mad at you. Mark told the story to Johnny and he just gave him a ’Tsk. I’m very disappointed’

While forcing himself to write lyrics with Taeyong on a Monday night, he kept on telling Taeyong that he needs your opinion first about the first words that he wrote already. Mark got an earful from Taeyong, ‘you shouldn’t depend on her always! You don’t how heavy it might be for her! Tsk. Do you think she knows anything about what we do here? She has her own profession! She studied years and years for it, how can you do this to her?’ of course Taeyong is always right.

On Wednesday night, you broke up officially with Mark.

“I think we should continue living separately from now on, Mark” you removed the promise ring that he gave you and put it in front of him. He was quiet the whole time, but he understands, blaming himself of course. He understands that now it’s all about you.

“They say if you love someone and they need you don’t leave them, and we hear those words in dramas. But Mark, this isn’t fantasy this is reality that’s really heavy for me. We ignored all the red flags and I think it’s time to let go now”

During your move out, he didn’t showed up and helped you. It’s okay, you thought. You hurt him and he needs time to heal. Clearing your stuff felt like freedom and you thought it was cruel. Cruel for Mark. You feel bad because breaking up really made you feel better.

Looking at the pictures around the apartment, made you feel sad, yes. But leaving it behind and putting them down one by one made you feel free. And again you think it’s cruel because Mark don’t feel the same way, he clearly wanted push through the relationship and you clearly don’t want that.

All the more reason to break up. You don’t want the same things anymore.

Because you did great with NCT and Red Velvet, another great opportunity knocked on your door. A job in Paris. You considered not taking it because of Mark, then you remember that you two have broken up.

He came to your apartment a week after the break up, begging you to come back in his life. “I heard you left SM, baby is it because of me?” you gave him a glass of water and sat beside him, it’s been a week but he already looked like shit. Dark under eyes and no happiness in his eyes.

“Listen to me,” you reached for his hand, “It’s not because of you. I’m finally choosing me. I’m doing what’s best for me and my career. It has nothing to do with you Mark”

He went on and on again about coming back to his life, telling you promises that you know he can keep, but you don’t want to be part of it anymore. “I Promise, I will someday be okay emotionally, I want you to be beside me when that happens. I think breaking up isn’t the solution baby, do you remember how great we are together? We can fix this, we can try and then if it doesn’t work i’ll leave. I’ll never bother you again”

“How can you say breaking up is not the right thing to do now? Mark I’ve honestly never been more peaceful these past few days”

Mark didn’t need to hear other things. What you said made him realised that he used up every chance he could make up with you. He left without saying a word, keeping the pain to himself the whole drive back to the dorms. “Dude, it’s going to be okay. Were here.” Johnny, Hyuck, Taeyong and Jaehyun all listened to him cry at the car not talking to anyone of them.

PRESENT DAY. FOUR YEARS AFTER

Mark still loves you.

................................................. Masterlist

inspired by the recent breakup that I had, please don’t steal my feelings huhu. Enjoy, and thank you so much for reading!

[citialiin]

ZIGGY ✰ STARDUST

i jacked this from @cardinalrot​. thank you dad. tagging: @gothsic​ ; @blossomingbeelzebug​ ; @betelguide​ ; @thatcertainnight​ ; @prophesyed​ ; you, specifically, reading this.

𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐬

FULL NAME.     [ redacted ] * NICKNAME.     ziggy  GENDER.     agender (he/him or they/them) / typically presents as a “man” for simplicity’s sake and also because he doesn’t care enough to think about it for more than 4 seconds HEIGHT.     5′10″ AGE.     26 (earth years) ZODIAC.     ??? (he wasn’t born under our stars ... so .......) SPOKEN LANGUAGES.     any/all (he doesn’t really know them, though, he uses an internal translator)

𝐩𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬

HAIR COLOR.     bright red, seemingly unnatural -- but it’s natural EYE COLOR.     left pale blue, right black SKIN TONE.     very, very, very pale BODY TYPE.     skinny. very skinny/slender/svelte.  willowy and tall and bony.  good for looking waifish on magazine covers but bad for lifting even vaguely heavy objects. VOICE.     posh, nasally, low, the slightest bit condescending.  speaks with an english accent despite not being english, let alone human.  drawls his vowels and enunciates his letters.  his voice is strangely clear and bright when he sings, unlike his somewhat unpleasant speaking tone, and he tends to sing in higher pitches than his speaking voice. DOMINANT HAND.     ambidextrous -- but he can only play the guitar left handed POSTURE.     very straight and proper, holds his head high and his shoulders square.  uncertain if it’s height alone or if he really is looking down upon you.   SCARS.     small incision in the back of his neck where the translator was placed. barely there and usually covered by a collar or his hair, anyways. TATTOOS.      none BIRTHMARKS.     a large yellow disc on his forehead, rimmed with a slightly darker yellow/bronze with the slightest hint of a chromatic shift affect due to reflecting/light catching pigment in skin cells.  this isn’t unique to him, however, as every member of his race has it. has the tiniest hint of a freckle above his lip, on the left side, and he hates it and wishes he could nuke it off his face.  both of these are usually covered, anyways. MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S).     the circular mark, his unusual eyes, his sharp features, his bright hair. everything about him is weird and outlandish and strange, but it helps him maintain a striking, marketable image.  

𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝

PLACE OF BIRTH.     far away.  HOMETOWN.    faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away. SIBLINGS.    [ grabs the steering wheel and veers straight into worldbuilding headcanon territory ] the society he comes from is no longer sexually dimorphic and typically doesn’t reproduce the natural way.  having evolved far beyond such icky things, they use genetic samples from large swaths of the population to make consistent batches of new individuals -- the genetic samples are screened for defects and aberrations and sort of tossed together into a genome salad, and out comes however many individuals they need to fill in gaps in the population.  there’s a lot of consistency in his species due to this: everyone has reddish hair, everyone has heterochromia, everyone is about the same height, etc.  so technically, he’s related to everyone in his “batch.” PARENTS.   he wouldn’t ever know -- a lot of people, probably

𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞

OCCUPATION.    rockstar -- cultural icon -- celebrity -- musician -- singer -- model -- jerk CURRENT RESIDENCE.    london, LA, NYC, but he’s constantly moving and tours quite often CLOSE FRIENDS.    few and far in between -- he’s friends with his drummer who is named priscilla but usually goes by the stage name WEIRD, as well as siddharth, his bassist, who goes by sid in his personal life but GILLY on stage.  they were the first two humans to encounter him and taught him everything he knows, from how to tie his shoes (aliens wear boots, and you should know this) to the C major scale -- because they are among the few humans who know his secret, he views them as his closest and dearest friends.  his stardom isolates him from them, just a little -- he likes the spotlight but they don’t mind just being “the drummer” and “the bassist.”  they don’t quite have the star power that he does.  his manager  -- tama ahinariki, some guy from new zealand who seemed to bumble his way into becoming in charge of one of the most successful musicians of the decade -- also knows he’s an alien, but they tend to be more business partners than close friends.  tama is more interested in the money side of things whereas priscilla and sid are only interested in the music.  ziggy has stock in the music, money, and his personal brand.  

via rp, he’s made some friends with other characters! a few. very few.  RELATIONSHIP STATUS.    single -- he intends to stay that way.  he gets all the action he could ever need from his legion of devoted fans and groupies.  even in situations where he’s romantically involved and emotionally invested, he would never consider himself exclusive or monogamous.   a lot of tabloids make rumors that he’s involved with cardinal copia, fellow rock icon, but he tends to be sneaky at hiding any time they spent together.  it’s hard to keep things private when you’re both massively popular public figures, though. he goes out of his way to be sure no one knows about his predilection for spending time with thomas, because the last thing an awkward alien in disguise needs is a lot of public attention because people think you’re dating a celebrity (who they don’t know is also an alien). he hangs around annie a lot, too, but this is extra extra under wraps, because annie has a stalker named jonathan who may or may not go apeshit and try to tear his head off or something if he finds out.   FINANCIAL STATUS.    filthy rich. should be guillotined.   DRIVER’S LICENSE.    doesn’t have one. he has some paperwork, somewhere, with a “real” name and all that, but he has no idea where it is and lets his manager deal with that stuff. CRIMINAL RECORD.    none ! clean slate.  that doesn’t mean he doesn’t do illegal things, though.  he just doesn’t get caught.   VICES.    smoking, drinking, la cocaina, sex, impulsive spendng, rockstar stuff.  

𝐬𝐞𝐱 & 𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞

SEXUAL ORIENTATION.   bisexual. PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE.     submissive  |  dominant  |  switch  | top |  bottom | verse. this doesn’t really come up in rp because i dont write nsfw. the way i view it is that he’s lazy and would rather you take care of him than the other way around LIBIDO.    pretty high, but it’s difficult for him to have as much sex as he might prefer because, uh, he has, uh, alien..............parts...........and stuff ..... like ....... some parts down there look different ....... so he’s stuck having sex with usually in the dark, under sheets, and he has to zip his pants up really quick afterwards. maybe it’s a little bit hilarious and i just think it’s funny idk LOVE LANGUAGE.    selflessness (which is big, for him, king of all douchebags and lord selfish dickhead the third), rambling to you about his day, physical affection, gifts, letting you see him without make up, opening up to you about his life before earth.  he might play you music, sing to you or write you songs if he’s feeling particularly sappy.  this is stuff reserved for people that he finds himself incredibly romantically/emotionally attached to, though, not the people he has one night stands with.  and he almost never forms any sort of lasting attachment to the people he sleeps with casually. RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES.    he tends to fall for people who challenge him in some way, who aren’t easily beguiled by his status and physical looks, but who aren’t outright mean to him.  that being said, he is very vain, and he loves being showered in compliments, praise or attention.  he matches well with people who can put up with his antics and moodiness and odd behavior.  he likes the idea of being someone’s muse or someone’s idol, so he finds himself drawn to other creative types.  he has the most intimate/special connections with other nonhuman beings, especially other aliens, cuz he feels like they Get him and he wouldn’t be really giving himself in his fullest form if he had to still play pretend that he was a human being.  for whatever reason he goes apeshit for goth guys/dudes with black hair who wear a lot of black.  he really doesn’t like people who are too much like him, because HE’S HIM, and you’re YOU, and he really wants it to stay that way.  GET OUT OF MY DRESSING ROOM

𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬

CHARACTER’S THEME SONG.   there’s a whole album about him .......... theres a song called “ziggy stardust” .......  HOBBIES TO PASS TIME.    singing, music, writing -- he lives for that shid.  he likes art in all forms, so he reads, watches movies, looks at paintings -- he has a lot of human culture to catch up on, and he loves all of it, from any time period and any culture.  he also likes buying things, shopping, looking nice, gossip.  he tends to be a party animal (party alien?) and often indulges in more hedonistic fun. LEFT OR RIGHT BRAINED.    his brain is not structured like a human brain. also, head empty.  no thoughts. FEARS.    being perceived as ugly or untalented, being outed as an alien, being rejected for being an alien, becoming a nobody, losing his social status, becoming a conformist, becoming “outdated” or “uncool” SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL.    somehow sky high and on the floor at the same time. he usually thinks he can do anything and he’s pretty perfect, but that may just be from a solid few years of repeating that to himself and empty praise given by people who are just crazy obsessed with him -- he built his confidence level on a very shaky foundation, so it’s easy to start making him doubt himself and panic if you know what to criticize him on VULNERABILITIES.    a lot of things, and im sick of typing

* pay me 100000 USD to unlock my LEVEL 20 ZIGGY STARDUST LORE pack now with NAMING/TITLE INFORMATION, HOME PLANET CLIMATE/WEATHER PATTERNS and PAST OCCUPATION/EDUCATION information.  includes a piece of gum i found on the floor.

[emperorren]

Its mostly the stuntmen. There are multiple moments where theyre just spinning in and out of the shot doing nothing. I think theres even a part where one of the guards swords disappears in his hand. Comparatively it makes me love the lightsaber fight from the first movie even more. Its prob my fav of the entire series. Its just the perfect balance between exciting without being too over choreographed. What do you like about the throne room fight?

The Starkiller duel is still my favorite too because it’s an intimate and game changing moment between Rey and Kylo and nobody else (and I just adore how he stalks her and then pins her against the cliff and then they *feel the force together* and she turns the tables on him and becomes /the villain/, aaaahhh), but I think the two scenes are not comparable. The SK duel is a one-on-one scene, while the praetorian guard one is an ensemble fight, and the latter are just harder to film “realistically”, because the risk of actors getting hurt increases, and when you have so many fighters in the same scene you need to find a difficult compromise between *realism* and readability (try to imagine a real melee: would you be able to even see Rey and Kylo, much less their movements, in that chaos of bodies?).

I think Rian went for the latter. Rey and Kylo, their energy, their bond are the focus of the scene while the praetorian guards—especially in the earlier shots—are there to frame and accompany their movement organically by coming in waves. It’s all about the flow, the rhythm, hence the “spinning in and out” that people complain about (also, here’s a meta that explains the spinning from a combat perspective).

It’s really like a dance, though it’s also raw and brutal enough that you don’t forget the characters are trying to KILL their opponents (honestly, both the starkiller and the praetorian guard fight are MUCH more brutal and realistic than ANY fight scene in the OT and PT). Though, at any rate, in my opinion the Star Wars duels are not supposed to be realistic, that’s not the point of them, and focusing on *inconsistencies* and believability is a sure way to lose the forest for the trees and ruin something that is supposed to be a joy for the eyes and the heart, to be experienced emotionally rather than rationally. 

Also, these characters are space wizards who duel with laser swords and psychic energy—is that really an unforgivable cinema sin to have “unnecessary” movements like spinning and twirling and stabbing the ground? 

From an in-narrative perspective, there things during Star Wars fight to take account of that aren’t visible to the eye—the (dark side of the) Force is on fire during these moments, and the characters (especially if they’re Force-sensitive) respond to it. And the weapons they use—lightsabers, laser whips, vibro-voulges etc., they’re really hard to control. Someone once compared an activated lightsaber to a laser chainsaw. Can you imagine wielding a laser chainsaw? A lot of extra movements and twirls happen because it’s more sensible for the fighter to follow the momentum of their weapon until it spontaneously extinguishes itself rather than try to stop it, as the meta I linked above explains.

Anyway I think the praetorian guard fight is incredible for the following reasons:

it’s a genuinely stunning depiction of the force bond in action. Rey and Kylo’s movements are synchronized in a way that can only be explained through the force bond—Rey reaches for Kylo’s thigh and effortlessly uses his body to propel herself into a kick, which Kylo helps by sending a bout of Force energy backwards; Rey uses a lot of Kylo’s signature moves, while Kylo displays a more brawler-type of fighting that he probably absorbed from Rey, they can feel each other’s distress and communicate through glances, etc

Rey and Kylo having prolonged eye contact while standing wordlessly face to face before spinning around in slow motion and initiating the sexual intercourse battle

the colors and setting??? (the elegance of the red/black hue, the mirror glass pavement, the burning curtains slowly revealing the galaxy outside, the embers falling in a direct callback to the snow falling on Starkiller)

the fact that Rey and Kylo are shown fighting BOTH back to back and individually, and that when they fight individually Kylo keeps an eye on Rey but DOESN’T rush to her rescue when she’s in trouble—he knows she doesn’t need his help any more than he needs hers, because she’s his equal

how vicious both Kylo and Rey can get. We didn’t really see the extent of their bloodlust potential in the Starkiller fight. Kylo literally throws a praetorian guard into a trash compactor to be pulverized. Rey yells a chilling battle cry and spins the saber and slices throats mercilessly. 

the ending—Rey hurling the legacy saber at Kylo who stabs his last opponents in the head then shrugs him off while staring at her the whole time with the most OBVIOUS sex eyes I’ve ever seen in a SW movie

I love the red fight

[decodervon]

disregard the last post.

i made that with a lot of anger and frustration. weve talked a lot since then and I'm... not that angry anymore. I probably shouldn't even be talking with you, but i hate how much it helped.

i hate curiosity. i always scolded you and warned you about looking for things you might not want to find and i did it. i found something i didn't want to find.

i found out you were casually dating again.

and of course you are. i mean. we "broke up" in September. it's been months. theres no reason to feel shameful or bad. I cant fault you and I cant be mad at you. and I'm still mad about some stuff, but that's not one of them.

this one hurts though. i knew i would feel like this, but i hate how much my mind keeps REMINDING ME. I'll be trying to sleep and my mind is like, "u kno she seeing someone right. they prolly banging. its prolly way better then ur tired ass sex. doesnt have to say weird fetish shit." and its LIKE. OK. I GET IT. STOP. STOP REPEATING OVER AND OVER. DONT WAKE ME UP TO REMIND ME.

i heard about it after I went snooping about your party. people said their was distinct body language and he seems to have a very outgoing personality and seemed really nice. it sounds like exactly what you need and IT KILLS ME.

I HATE I went snooping. OF COURSE this is what i get. we've talked since then and i know you feel confused and scared. best thing I could actually do for you is leave you alone and let you have a real chance at it. maybe it's a rebound. but so were we. my evil, manipulative side knows that you still feel emotionally connected to me due to calling me about Vday stuff. my pragmatic side wants to sort out a deal where i exchange emotional support for physical intimacy because I know we both want those things and know the other can give them. i can listen and talk and care about your problems and you could do whatever weird, gross, aggressive sexual stuff and not judge me (I think.) but my less evil/neutral sides know that that would throw a wrench in both our things and the best thing I can do is stay away.

that being said... I dont want to. it's like doing coke or something. like yeah, it's bad. but like. if no one knows... then maybe it's not THAT bad. like it would detrimental to us if we got together and we argued and fought. that would be unhealthy. but just... secreting away and being physical and keeping it hot and fast.. ugh. I mean. its sorta like all those fantasies you helped me with. except we wouldn't be pretending.

ugh. prolly makes me a horrible person. prolly makes US. I know you kind of want to do the same thing. I tried to cool suggest it, but you're probably conflicted about it too. I want you to just... show up late one night. some random text at like... 11pm being like, "I'm outside. should I leave?" and then I mull it over and invite you in quietly. you're wearing something impossibly hot like you do. we hug and I can tell you want to feel my body because it's been so long. we go back to my room and talk awkwardly for a few minutes. we both mention how you shouldnt be here sheepishly while ignoring the fact neither of us are protesting it very hard. you slide off your coat, looking me in the eye the whole time. that longing, sad look. that look that makes it impossible not to kiss you. I pull away after a minute and say, "this is wrong. we shouldnt be doing this." and you lean in close to my ear and whisper "hes not you." and I instinctually press my body against yours. you nuzzle into my neck as you slide your hands under my shirt, around my waist and up my back. I put my hands on your waist and take a deep breath of the smell of your hair. I say, "i dont want to hurt anyone" you said "I dont care." or more likely "no one has to know"... we appreciate each others bodies like we always should have. I go over every inch of you, knowing I might not see it again. you go over those inches of me like they're an old friend you're excited to see. you say all the terrible things I want you to say and I hurt you like you liked to be hurt. we go on for an hour. i want you to stay but i cant ask. my willpower drained with my stress. you fix yourself and disappear like an uninvited vampire. i cry. a lot. i hold myself and wish it was you. the lifetime of memories creeping back onto me. I hate myself for what I've done, but desperately try and inhale your fading scent still lingering in my bed.

ugh. I'm probably gonna end up writing something hot and complete after sharing that. I hate that I want that so bad. but I shouldnt. I have more to lose in this than you do.

you would hate me if you knew what I had been up to since. one of the other reasons I cant judge you for moving on. I've talked and reached out to many people you arent a fan of. not to spite you, but because those people knew me in intimate ways I can trust. I gained insight from talking to them and meeting with them. but that's not what I'm referring to.

im... also.. casually dating someone. it's still all pretty fledgling, as I am WAY too delicate to dedicate myself to anyone. but its... it's someone you know. some things had been happening that neither of us knew about.. and I dont want to tell you because I feel like I'd be cursing you with the same curse that I have. imaging you with that person, not being able to stop... but I know the curiosity is almost as killer for you. its.. a hard thing to figure out morally. but I dont want to jeopardize it. its... it's a once in a lifetime chance. they care about me.. legitimately. and probably more than they should with how emotionally volatile I am right now. but they dont really know how.. I am. part of me is a sweet, great guy. but another part of me is the type to want to have that night I wrote about. a secret trust where we exhaust each other physical and say all the sick things we want, knowing that the other wont judge them. (hell, anything is better than arguing)

I want to be physically wanted... but I want to be wanted by you. I loved when you would love my body. cause like... in my head, when people say things about loving me, I always diffuse it "oh she just thinks she loves me like that" "oh shes convinced herself she likes that about me" "oh she thinks that's cute now, but give it time..." and its just... innate to my awful self esteem. but body stuff? making out with me? going down on me? holding, examining and loving.. parts of me? it feels so much... truer to me. like someone couldnt lie about that. I know thats... naive to think. but that's how it feels. no one who doesnt like you is gonna put their dick in their mouth. bottom line. or go along with your fantasies that you yourself think are strange to be attracted to. i wanted you to want me so bad. i wanted you to love my body and tell me youd been thinking about it. it's such a direct link to my heart.. ugh. but that.. stuff got all messed up. I think that's what made me fall in love in the first year. you cherished my body. you worshipped it. you wanted to sherk your duties to have more of it and I was totally enthralled. that first year made me stay for so long and through so much. always chasing that high. that time where my body was all you wanted and all i wanted was your heart. and it all got so... nevermind.

the person I'm dating.. we're talking it very slow. ive.. kissed her. in fact, your vday call interrupted that kiss. can you believe that timing? thanks universe. if you're trying to say we should get back together, maybe dont kill a beautiful innocent cat next time. I was mad you wanted me to support you through death.. after you abandoned me when I needed your support so bad. I'm still kinda mad. but whatever. this isnt a mad post.

i.. its. shes.. she lets me talk about you. she knows you. maybe better than I did. its hard.. shes not experienced with.. our type of relationship so much. I try not to put much on her. for the reasons of not wanting to overburden her and to keep from forming an instant bond. I know I still have these raw, visceral feelings for you and I dont want to hurt someone I care about because of them. I dont know how you know your new guy, but my guess is: not very well. maybe it's a tinder date. maybe it's a friend of a friend. but if I had to make an educated guess, it's someone far removed who is just.. treating you well. like how you want to be treated. kind of a nobody, but that's a good thing. like if things kept being nice, cool. if they didnt work, whatever. something noncommittal. something lowkey. something you didnt have to /worry/ about. which is all... smart. but I also know that if you felt like you wanted to drive that shit into a wall, you wouldnt lose a lot of sleep over it. and you considering the tryst.. well. yeah. speaks to that effect. i... I wonder if I should have even suggested its because I can't drive my thing into a wall. its... I cant. youd understand if you knew.

theres probably only one person in your mind you would legitimately fear me dating if you sat down and thought about it. someone that wasn't just someone you didnt want me dating. not like Kayla or Grace where it would just... bug you. I mean deeper. someone that you couldnt wrest me away from. someone that your charms would fall flat because of. I'm talking Caitlyn levels of dedicated affection. and as I said, I dont want to jump in. I know how easily i fall in love. I'm taking this slow. developing a foundation. trying to figure myself. wanting someone to treat me well and watch anime and cartoons with while being warm and laughing. someone to affectionately take care of me. someone who wanted to spend time with me.. someone who's house i could come over to in the daylight.. someone who's friends were excited for her and not judgemental of her..

I get why you're dating. I'm doing the same thing for the same reasons. i need this. you need this. i wanted you to treat me these ways but i couldnt keep.. telling you how to treat me after so many years. you could write a book on me. I STILL know how to take care of you and I mostly figured it out after years. I wanted to see you try and figure me out. you didnt have to be right. I just wanted you to try. I left a breadcrumb on my IG for this story, but I never know when or if you'll ever read these. I always want to hear your feelings too. I wish you wrote like this. I wish I had a direct line to your thoughts like back in the day when you wrote. it always helped. I still check your tumblr from time to time. like the idiot I am.

ugh. like the absolute idiot I am.

(ps. I watch that last video we made like every day.)

[koikingu]

every odd number, have fun!!

oh goodness thank you. ; u; a gr8 way to start the morning tbh~

1. Are looks important in a relationship?honestly? no not really. I mean yeah to become attracted to someone look would probably play an important roll, and I don’t mind getting super dolled up to impress a guy (and myself lmao) but when you’re actually in the relationship, I don’t think it’s crucial to look your best at all times. David says I could wake up with crusty ass eyes, a rat’s nest for hair, and dried drool on my cheek and he would still love me anyways. xD

3. Are you a virgin? no, I lost my virginity at 17.

5. Are you in love?I sure am!!! He’s honestly the sweetest man. And he loves me too. ~

7. Can you commit to one person?ofcourse I can, it honestly isn’t hard.cheating is one of the worse things a person can do to another person. :C but if we’re talking about like mutual open relationships thing, as much as I find them intriguing and I like the sounds of it and the idea of it, I’m too much of a jealous person honestly. ;_;

9. Describe your perfect mateDAVID. honestly enough said but, if it wasn’t david, someone whose intelligent but goofy. someone persistent and devoted, and someone super understanding of me and actually cares about what I think and can hold a conversation with my awkward ass xD

11. Do you ever want to get married?I do! But, I’m not ready for marriage just yet. Maybe in a few years. I was engaged to my exboyfriend of 5 years and I now I feel like, it’s a little too soon for me, especially because when something as long as 5 years that I thought was going to be forever had ended, it occurred to me that everything could end just like that, and I want to be cautious and not rush into things.

13. Do you get jealous easily?unfortunately, I do. It’s not my best quality. I get rather possessive and it’s kinda awkward, and extreme. But, it’s because I care so much. ;___;

15. Do you have any piercings?as of right now, no. I used to have my ears pierced in 3 different spots, and I used to have my nipples pierced, but I took them all out for no reason the last few years and I regret it.

17. Do you like kissing in public?Most times yes, as long as we aren’t the center of attention or in a spot that can be easily focused on. I was literally just talking about this with David the other day about how he’s so tall it would draw attention to us, and I don’t like being watched. ;A;

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?DAVID. or i would at least hope he does LOL.

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?yepyepyep. cheating is stupid.

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?I am in a relationship this year.

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?nope. oh well.

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?No.

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?a lot actually even if its tears of joy

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?Mhm! 3 different guys, not at the same time though.

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?Yeah! I don’t know if I’ve ever romantically kissed someone younger than me.

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?I mean kinda? xD they hated him for cheating on me and breaking up with me different times, but i still liked him anyways, but oh well now ‘cause i don’t like him anymore. c:

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?once upon a time lmao.

41. Have you had sex so far this year?!!! yes and it’s the best sex i’ve ever had lmao ; u;

43. How long was your longest relationship?5 years

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?one

47. How old are you?21! I turn 22 in october. c:

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?I have a lot of favourite things about David.He has a look on his face when he’s happy or excited about something, and it’s literally contagious. He’s the best at cheering people up even though it’s the silliest and most assertive way possible lmao. I love that he is so devoted to our relationship and treats me like a princess. (he has a giant penis

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?non-romantically, yes there are a few people.romantically, ofcourse because I love him with all of my heart.

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?Idk, maybe. I mean I doubt that he feels the same way about David and I, but for a while I was super upset about him and his new girlfriend. I mean I still am, but it doesn’t bother me like it used to anymore.

55. Share a relationship story.WELL YOU SEE. I am a hilarious being. And sometimes David doesn’t understand how hilarious I can get.So my laptop is a piece of junk, and David had an extra 16gb of RAM just lying around that he planned on installing into my laptop especially because we were planning on playing Portal 2 together but he didn’t know if my laptop could handle it, so I was supposed to send him my laptop’s specs before I had went to work. I got to work and I forgot to send him those details. So I messaged him,“oh shit, babe, I forgot to send you my specs“ so I sent him a picture of my glasses. get it? SPECS?it went past over his head and he asked when I got them, and I told his April of 2015 and was like oh okay cool I guess.So then I get home, and he is like okay lets take a look at your specs, and I handed him my glasses and he looked pretty confused, and I was like. DID YOU NOT GET MY JOKE FROM EARLIER?????

57. Things you want to say to an exI wish it ended a different way. You meant so much to me and even though we’re gonna be civil, I don’t know if I can fully forgive you.

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)http://koikingu.tumblr.com/tagged/linhlinhlinhtheres pictures of myself there

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?honestly, their height or teeth and probably their entire face lmao. 

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?uhhh for hetero couples: but the penis into the vagina or the buttfor gay couples: fellatio and putting the penis into the buttfor lesbian couples: cunnilingus, fingering, anything intimate reallyidk

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?!! I really like giving head ; u; It’s fun~

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?Anything as long as we’re both fully focused on one another. I think anything that intimate would be the best kind of date.

69. What turns you off?That’s kind of hard to explain? I mean a lot of things can turn me off, but like it’s kinda hard to? Like, pain is kinda weird. I like being on the receiving end of pain, but if it’s too much pain I’ll probably cry and ruin it for the both of us. And that has happened too many times already LOL

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?oh god a really long time ago, I had a dream about being the focal point of a reverse harem that had like 8 guys in it. And obv like any eroge I had to have sex with all of them at one point and multiples of them as well, and ekjfsrnkjgtrnt come back to me dream ;A;

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?I’m not sure. I wouldn’t mind if anyone didn’t do anything sweet for me, but if I had to like pick? I guess a reflection of what I did for my exbestfriend when she went to go do something out of her comfort zone, I cooked an entire dinner and bought her a cake so when she got home she could just enjoy it and relax with people that love her. but yeah idek. it’s kind of a sore spot. like not from her though obv lmao. just someone else to do something like that for me. LOL but pls don’t actually because i would prob feel pretty bad if someone went out of their way to make anything special for me ;A;

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?one time, my cat laid on top of me, and he pressed his little snout against my lips and it was the best thing.David’s offered to kick people’s asses for my sake lmao and that’s super sweet of him xD but he turned his apartment into our apartment when I needed help.He was there for me when no one else was, and I can’t thank him enough for that.

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?As long as it isn’t illegal and you guys are happy, go for it.Don’t let the age gap come between you though.

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?The last time I REALLY felt jealous was when my exboyfriend and my exbestfriend started dating. other times is when my current boyfriend’s ex added him on facebook after rudely blocking him on facebook.

81. Who are five people you find attractive?David@pastelgamerwitchTwitch (my handsome cat)Nick’s GirlfriendDwayne the Rock Johnson

83. Who was your first kiss with?uhhhhhhh I don’t remember LOL

85. Why did your last relationship fail?oh god. sore spot.uh. there were a lot of different reasons why it failed.we were both emotionally abusive to each other, his family didn’t like me so it added on stress for him, he hadn’t loved me since the second year of our relationship but milked it on for 3 more years, and he just couldn’t commit to me i guess. Like I kinda understand, but it hurt.What really drew the line was the whole not loving me since the second year and then him and my exbestfriend kept secrets from me, lied to my face about insecurities and then started dating behind my back. RIP oh well though. As long as it suits them.I have my own man to worry about.

[roseofariandel]

How are Dragon Age:Inquisition and Mass Effect:Andromeda so far off from each other?

After playing for roughly 12 hours on ME:A, and easily 72+ on DA:I, I can hardly believe they’re made by the same company and it's extremely frustrating on multiple levels, both on the personal level and the consumer level and I really want to break it down and talk about it a bit because if people have some answers and explanations I’d be very grateful.

So I got into both franchises pretty late in the game (no pun intended), Mass Effect 3 for the WiiU was my first Mass Effect game, and Dragon Age: Inquisition is my first (hopefully not last, they totally have to be making more, right???) game from that series. And while the two games couldn’t be much more different if they tried, after doing a playthrough just before getting ME:A, I was extremely disappointed in Andromeda, and feel it was extremely over-hyped. I wanted to like it, I wanted to love it, I LOVED Mass Effect 3 and honestly I couldn’t be more upset with my purchase for a variety of reasons that I personally feel are pretty valid, and I’m sure some may disagree.

GRAPHICS:

I Honestly had very very high hopes for the graphics in Mass Effect Andromeda, After completing Horizon:Zero Dawn almost a week before, I was absolutely enamoured with where video game graphics are going for 2017 and with how pleased I was with Dragon Age: Inquisition, a game made by the same company (I know nothing of the individual teams that work on each franchise so there's a hole in my judgement there) I was actually floored at how positively dated the animation was. Its an only slight improvement over Mass Effect 3,  a bit smoother, a bit cleaner, but ultimately, not TOO much different. Its worth mentioning that with all the memes that got posted about Sarah Ryder’s infamous gun-grab empty gaze, something I had initially attributed to a poor choice of footage, was omnipresent in Mass Effect Andromeda, the facial expressions really are as bad and poorly engineered as the trailer would have you think, eyes blink at weird intervals, micro expressions are barely existent. Its almost awkward to watch the humans interact with each other most of the time. 

This is something I actually, considering it was released 2 years prior to ME:A, that DA:I did very well. expressions weren’t perfect obviously, but in contrast to Andromeda, they were believable, engaging, and matched the tone of a conversation and conveyed emotion relatively well. Its beyond me how the older game has a more polished look with significantly better facial content but It really is strikingly different.

Hair rendering is honestly kind of garbage in ME:A,  although DA:I didn’t do much better, but it was better, in my experience anyways. 

Eyelashes are... distracting.. they look fake, like glue-ons done improperly, like sometimes when characters close their eyes, the eyelashes like..fold over the eyelids, its honestly just so painful looking...

OPEN WORLD:

The open world in Mass Effect: Andromeda is obviously a growing trend that has its roots in the success of Skyrim, and space exploration is certainly a dauntingly large task! I support and acknowledge the choice by BioWare to make many planets and star systems for us to explore, but its almost.. distractingly large. Its messy, that's the only way I can explain it, and while the planets themselves are beautifully imagined, and actually the environments are gorgeously rendered and coloured, there's about 700 quests all the time that are pointless, and totally derail the story if you choose to follow them. I get that, it is a choice to follow and accept sidequests and some people really enjoy that, but unlike Dragon Age: Inquisition, Andromeda’s sidequests seem to be only vaguely tied to Ryder’s position and influence. Side quests weren’t as numerous and felt much more purposeful in Dragon Age, and the role of Inquisitor made completing these tasks like part of the inquisitor’s job, to secure trust in the inquisition. While Ryder seeks to earn trust in the Andromeda Initiative, it still feels...wrong, unnecessary to go help an engineer fix some broken panels when I’m sure theres a pletora of other suitable people this particular NPC could go to, and I find I feel this way a lot during the NPC interactions. It just seems baseless. 

Case in point: there's too much, its a game trend done in a weird, time-consuming manner that feels exhausting and unnecessary that I feel Dragon Age: Inquisition did a lot better, for an older game by the same company. 

SAME-SEX ROMANCE:

*Minor GilxRyder spoilers ahead*

My final point on my rant before some finishing notes, inevitably comes back to the heart of me as a player, I’m a gay man, and I absolutely loved Dragon Age: Inquisition’s fleshed out, developed, and believable MLM romances. Dorian’s romance was extremely well-written, a smidge cliche, emotionally engaging and empathise (to myself at least). However, back in Andromeda my Ryder is currently romancing Gil, and while gil is actually one of the more expressive people on the ship, and people who have written articles on the matter claim he has the most developed and story-based romance (out of the 2 available, the other being a fling with little to offer), seems to be moving at a pace that is next to alarming and unnatural in comparison to Kaiden’s Romance in ME:3 and even more so than Dorian or Bull’s in Dragon Age: Inquisition (which for the record, I found appropriately paced and grew what felt like more naturally than it could have). The content is very minuscule for Gil in ME:A and I feel myself yearning for something more developed, more tangible, and as a couple, I was absolutely dumbfounded how quickly they went from being casual shipmates to holding hands on Eos. I was actually even caught off guard by the first flirt option, it seemed to do a totally uncalled for 180, just a bit too intimate for “meeting the crew” y’know? When we look at Dorian, we really see something blossom in a lovable, vulnerable way that just feels right. But with Gil, it leaves a lot to be desired and feels almost comical, and it's obvious it didn’t get much attention from the people who worked on it, which says a lot about how BioWare cares about gay men (not much apparently, at least in the Mass Effect Series so far). Which leaves me jilted towards the company and I’m unsure I will be so zealous to jump on the hype of future games. 

FINALLY...

While I’m certainly, and unapologetically talking some shit about BioWare and Mass Effect Andromeda, I have a lot of love for them and while I feel almost bored with Andromeda, I am enjoying it nonetheless. Its not a horrible game, just certainly not what it was played up to be. I certainly would not have preordered the deluxe edition for almost $100CAD had I know it was going to be like this. If you haven’t gotten it yet, I suggest you wait until you can get it on super-sale, Black Friday, or once it hits bargain-bins even. 

I’m sure I’ve said some things that some of you feel is unfair, and I invite you to challenge or correct me on it, I think a dialogue is healthy, and I realize comparing Dragon Age to Mass Effect is pretty apples to oranges, but it really does beg the question how the company can make Dragon Age as enriched and polished as it was, and then two years later, release a game that seems like it actually predates its chronological predecessor? 

[spac3tr4sh]

Disclaimer: This is about the anxiety developing within my sex life and just a way for me to process everything 

~

There are so many things happening within our relationship that is, undoubtedly, resulting in loads of anxiety for me and my boyfriend. 

My boyfriends sex life started off super early. He had a lot of bad experiences that eventually led him to believe he was really just a “human vibrator”. He used to always joke and say this early on in our relationship, but thinking back I can see him start to get more and more detached from sex. It was a chore. Something he feels obligated to do. 

Me, on the other hand, was very late to the sex game. Confused about myself and overall insecurities led to me exploring my sexuality later than most. I didn’t start having sex until I was 21. I had a few partners between that first time and where I am now, at 24 but all of those people outside of the first person, were one time things. I didn’t actually really get to explore my sexuality until I met my boyfriend. Our relationship began from awkward lust. We actually started off as more of fuck buddies and a relationship developed from that. Sex was basically a tool for us to get to know each other.

Initially, I couldn’t sense any from of detachment. Yeah the sex was awkward in the beginning but we both felt conscious and there. And the more we started to grow and learn each other, the better it became. We were having sex a lot, especially for people who, for a good portion of their relationship didn’t have our own places. We made it work.

With all the being said, for me, sex is extremely important in our relationship. But as of late, we just havent been able to make it work. Because I’m a worrier anyway, right off the bat I blamed myself. Clearly its something im doing wrong. I know my thoughts are irrational so I decided to try to have conversations about our sex life with him but more often than not, it ends with him mad and me crying. 

During one of our initial conversations, he made a lot of statements that were a blow to my self-esteem. He basically said that no ones ever wowed him during sex and its pretty much all been vanilla for him. I was just so shocked because I always ask was he satisfied and p much begged for tips to make certain acts better for him but now I just feel kind meh. So from that, I started over exerting myself more. I started getting on top more, I increased the amount of head I was giving him, I’m even working out so I can be as slim as I was when he met me. But the over exertion has led to me feeling like I’m giving more in this relationship than him. I low-key felt that way to begin with (again stemming from my over thinking) but it all felt so blatant. I was giving him all these things but if I wanted something, it didn’t happen. Last time I got head was probably a month ago. Last time he fingered me, two months ago, and he fell asleep during. 

During one of our more recent conversations, I reluctantly admitted that I felt like at this point, sex is more about him than me, that it starts and ends with him. Theres no four play to prep me, when he cums, thats the end of sex. Sometimes when we do have sex, it happens so fast, I barely start getting off and then its over. And he never extends anything to help me finish. Part of me is understanding, he gets upset when things pan out that way but Im always feeling so unfinished.

During another conversation, he started to open up more about how his past experiences are catching up to him. Sex just isn’t something he’s into doing because of those memories that are coming back. But he also said that I was the longest relationship he’s ever been in and he’s reached a point where he doesn’t feel like he has to have sex with me to keep me around. This made me happy of course. Im glad he trusts me and feels like we reached a certain milestone. And I also, don't want forget to mention, he's been very reassuring about me and my performance over all.

Trying to initiate sex has been extremely hard but I feel like if I don’t, we would just never have sex. He used to initiate sex just as much as me but now, its all on me. I tried to do non-verbal things but he either was “clueless” or after 20 mins of me rubbing his dick, he’d say he’s not in the mood. So instead of going through that awkward hurdle, I decided to lean on just verbally asking. He doesn’t like this too much either. When I asked him he would like it to be initiated, he says he doesn’t know. This last attempt I made caught me off guard tho. I asked him did he think a certain position would be accomplishable. He said yes so I asked him did he want to try it and he just got extremely upset. He said “so thats your way of trying to have sex???” And just kind of went off, mad at me for asking him in such a way and didn’t want me to touch him at all. He ended up apologizing, said he didn’t know why he reacted that way. But still, just meh.

But all in all, I don’t know how to act or feel. On one hand, I feel like really this is all boiling down to dissatisfaction with me. I feel unsatisfied sexually. On another, I feel selfish. Selfish for making this about me. Selfish for having urges to have sex when I know he is truly being affected by traumatic experiences. I feel selfish for wanting and expecting a certain amount of sex when its obvious his sex drive has decreased. But I also know I shouldn’t feel bad that I want sex. But it all just leaves me at an awkward place. I have no plans on leaving my boyfriend, but sex is important to me. I don’t want to be unsatisfied and grow to resent him. I don’t think me having other sex partners will necessarily help our situation nor do I really have the desire to be sexually intimate with others. I in no way want him to feel obligated to fuck me. Literally everything else in our relationship is great but this and its causing problems for me emotionally, physically, and mentally. I don't know what to do but what I got was that there isn't necessarily anything I can do to help. He more than likely needs some professional help but we don't have money for that. So we are stuck.