#but theres job problems and uni problems and family problems and personal problems

[ghosttownwherenoonegoes]

[the-lonelybarricade]

darling dearest, i am in need of some advice and you were the first person i thought to ask (your fanfics are so deep, you have unrivaled wisdom. also you are an adult, which is very useful right now)

so, acting means a lot to me. in fact, it means the world. one of my first coherent sentences as a baby was, "mommy, i want to be on tv," so of course i developed an interest in theater.

it's my first year of high school, and my first thespian convention, and it's 500 dollars. for some context here, my parents had their first kid in high school. my mom never graduated, my dad joined the army instead of going to college. and then they had four more. on top of that, my dad's retired so we're all around dirt fuckin poor hahah. in other words, no one in this family has 500 dollars to send me (except for my middle sister, but that really is too much to ask for).

except for me! i had the money! only, it's in my college fund (which is 660 right now, no one set up a college fund for me as a baby--i only started saving two years ago). like i said, we're dirt poor and no one has the money to put me through college. my sister is a lawyer and has been practicing for years, and is still 200,000 dollars in debt from student loans. i'm having to rely on being smart to apply for scholarships and grants, and if i'm really special, i can get into harvard for free. which is such a huge deal, and one i'm kind of counting on.

even if i don't go to college, i need the money for when i ditch my home state and live in the big city for my big shot at being a successful actress. i can't do this every year. i've already decided to drop cheerleading and adv math next year so i can get a job (i'm not allowed to get one until i can drive). but i don't know if 3yrs of work will even be enough if i want to do normal teenager things and still go to college. chances are, i'm not getting into harvard, much less for free. i'm not gifted like i was as a little girl, and i think the stress would be too much. my mom says she'd help but she's saving for her own house and already getting me my own car, and she doesn't have money either. i don't think i can ask her for that.

thank you for even bothering to read this, thank you times one thousand if you respond.

Goodness lovely, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. This is such a big burden to carry and I know it must be really intimidating to think your future is restricted because of money. But take a deep breath, we're going to talk about some things, okay? I'm still new to being an adult myself, I'm in my final year of uni and money is hard.

So first let's talk about this $500 for your Thespian Convention. First, if this is a school event, a lot of schools do wave or reduce fees like this for families that can't afford it. They also may offer scholarships. I would look into seeing if that's possible, but otherwise let's talk about covering that cost from your college fund. I'm assuming from your language that you're American, which means that if you're earning the federal minimum wage (7.25/hr) it will take 60 hours of working to pay that off. That could take anywhere from 2 weeks to a month to work off if you're working part time, so you need to ask yourself if you feel like the thespian convention is worth a month of work that you could be putting towards your college fund. (Also, I know you said you can't get a job until you can drive, but maybe see if there's anything local you can do for extra money, like maybe tutoring or babysitting?). And if you can't go to this Thespian Convention, see if theres a less expensive alternative you can pursue.

Another important thing to consider is that, if acting is definitely what you want to do, you don't need to go to college to be a successful actor. Leonardo Dicaprio, Emma Stone, Ryan Gosling, there's plenty of major A-list actors that skipped college alltogether to pursue their careers. Here's a list. And if going to college is something you really, really want to do, you also don't have to go to college immediately after graduating high school.

This is something they didn't push a lot when I was in high school, and this would have been mind blowing for me when I was a freshman. In my high school going to college was like the expectation for families that could afford it. And they also offered great support for struggling families and first generation students. But I did something super unconventional for my town and I took a gap year. And that gap year changed my life. So my love, you don't need to worry about 3 years being enough time to do normal teenager things while working your butt off to pay for school. You can give yourself as many years as you need to get that money together, or to pursue your acting career or both. College is ready for you when you're ready for it. There's no set timeline. And I wish they told high schoolers that more often. I wish I was told that sooner.

But let's say that you really want to go to college and you really want to go as soon as you graduate high school. That's totally fine too! Let's talk about your options. Getting a full-ride scholarship is competitive and a lot of pressure to put on yourself. I say go for it! Go for as many as you can and apply for every scholarship available! But also give yourself the breathing space to think about other options. This is a list of no-loan colleges in the US. These are schools that will meet 100% of your financial need if you get accepted. Now the tricky thing is you still have to pay for your EFC (estimated family contribution) and sometimes your FAFSA (federal application for student aid) grossly overestimates how much your family can actually contribute. But it will definitlely eat a big chunk of that money away and there are still loan and scolarship options for that remaining sum. Also when applying for these schools a lot of them do offer an application fee waiver for families that can't afford it.

There are also loads of private scholarship available options from various companies. Talk to your high school counsellors, they *should* have great resources for finding this kind of stuff. I wish I could remember where I found all of my scholarship info, but it's been almost 5 years since I've done that research. I think maybe fastweb was something I found useful? And I also found this website and this website after a cursory google search just now. I'm sure you'll find good sources too! Freshman year is not too early to start applying to private scholarships. A lot of them are directed at seniors, but there are all kinds and sometimes they're just fun contests with small rewards, but it all adds up!f

You can also try killing two birds with one stone! See if there are any acting jobs available either in your local area or even just online! Maybe set up a fiverr and read scripts for people, or see if you can work as a counselor for a theater camp in the summer. My first job was as an acting job as a dancing penguin at a local summer festival when I was 14.

Okay and now I feel obligated to tell you something. You don't need to go to college in the US. This probably sounds outrageous as a freshman, it definitely would have to me. But I'm literally typing this from where I now live in the UK, after taking that gap year and realizing that american school is ridiculously expensive and way less cool than european schools? Do your research, there's lots of options available to you and the US is not your only one. I've saved loads of money going to school here and I'm happy as a clam. Here are some fun links.

Anyway my love, I know that was a lot of information and I'm sure none of it magically solved your problems or took that burden of your shoulders. But take a deep breath. Everything will happen in its own time and there will always be opportunities for you to pursue being an actor. There will also always be the option to decide to go to college at any point in your life. The biggest and most important thing is to just not give up. Focus on the here and now, focus on your grades, and the rest will follow. You got this, I know you do. And please, always feel free to come to me with any questions or even if you just need to rant in my inbox, I'm here <3

[louisadmirer-archive]

can u rec ur fav fake relationship to enemies to friends to lovers i need some for my flight for harry 😴

i can make a fake relationship rec. but im trusting amanda to do the enemies to friends to lovers rec 👀 (if she wants to) and okay i know ive rec-ed most of these before but these are my faves so if you want a pt 2 of this let me know bc theres no such thing as too many fake relationship AUs in this house

1. Find Another One, Cause She Belongs To Me (25k) by @afangirlfantasy​ & @larrysfootballfairy​

“Harry?” She asks.“Yeah,” Harry glances up, her gaze boring into Louis like green flames against Louis’ soul. It’s too much. Those eyes have always been too much. How could she deny them anything?“Just to clarify. You want me to be your fake girlfriend, to pretend to date you? Right?”“Don’t make me say it again Lou,” Harry begs.“Please.”Sighing, she complies, “Yes. I want you to pretend to be my girlfriend.“ Well shit.

or a Girl Direction Uni AU, where Louis is desperately in love with her best friend Harry, who might not be as straight as she thought, Ziam can’t fool anyone, and Niall is just happy with football being her only relationship.

2. Like Candy In My Veins (31k) by @littlelouishiccups​

“Um…” Harry said slowly after a moment. “Okay. That’s… this is… Let me get this straight.” He lifted up a hand and swallowed. “You told your family that you have a boyfriend… and my name was the first one you thought of?”“Harry Potter was on TV, alright? It wasn’t that much of a stretch.” Louis pinched the bridge of his nose. He couldn’t believe he was explaining himself to Harry fucking Styles. He couldn’t believe he was stooping this low. “Forget it. I’m sorry I even thought about bringing you into this.”Harry snorted. “What? Did you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend or something?”(Basically the A/B/O, enemies to lovers, fake relationship, Christmas AU that nobody asked for.)

3. kiss me on the mouth (and set me free) (47k) by @tempolarriefix​​

Harry, being his endlessly patient self, asks with a wry smile, “And who am I going to spontaneously marry for financial aid?”

He clearly intends for it to be a rhetorical question, for it to shoot down Louis’ ridiculous marriage idea. But Louis answers easily, “Me. You’ll marry me.“

aka the not-so fake marriage AU in which Harry and Louis get married to keep Harry from dropping out of uni (and if they discover that they’re in love along the way, well, that’s neither here nor there).

4. Faking It (46k) by @donotdialnine

A uni AU in which Louis has been Harry’s best friend since he offered him cubed fruit on the playground, and they spend more time cuddling in their dorm beds than they do apart, but it’s not like that. Or is it?

Aka Harry pretends to date his best friend to escape unwanted attention from a too insistent classmate and hopes it won’t blow up in his face. Featuring embarrassing dildo accidents, awkward boners, longing, first times, late night conversations, emotional discoveries and Niall as the exasperated friend with bad advice.

5. Escapade (146k) by @haydolce

In the grand scheme of things, finding a date for a wedding should be no problem for Louis Tomlinson. He’s rich. He’s handsome. He’s reasonably well behaved. But when the wedding is for his lifelong best friend (and former boyfriend), and is happening in under a month, finding a date for the ceremony and accompanying festivities becomes more of an adventure than he ever could have planned for.

((do i even need to rec this ?? everyone and their grandma has read this))

6. Pull Me Under (140k) by @zarahdetand

AU. As the first British footballer to come out at the prime of his career, it helps that Louis Tomlinson is in a long-term, committed relationship. Even if that relationship is fake. (Featuring Niall as Louis’ favourite teammate, Liam as Louis’ agent, and Zayn as Liam’s boyfriend, who just happens to be good friends with one Harry Styles.)

7. The Proposal (20k) by curlshire (on AO3)

Louis is a tetchy editor and Harry is his unfortunate assistant. After Louis is threatened with a demotion, he quickly makes plans to fake a marriage to Harry. (Based off the movie The Proposal)

8. Chestnuts Roasting… And All That (46k) by @elsi-bee

Louis is apparently the only person at his new job who is single as can be. It’s not a big deal to just tell his new colleagues that he has a boyfriend, right? Until he has to make this imaginary boyfriend magically appear at the office holiday party. Cue fake relationship antics with a certain someone who is more than willing to play along.

these two are the opposite of fake relationship AUs but im gonna give them an honorary mention anyways

1. If You Asked Me If I Love Him (I’d Lie) (26k) by @littlespooneven

So Harry and Louis might have fucked up.

The day of their wedding was the single most perfect moment of Louis’ life and every single day since where he’s been able to call Harry his husband has been nothing short of bliss. There’s just one teeny, tiny problem…

Their families don’t know they’re married.

Or the one where Harry and Louis eloped but neglected to mention it to anyone. Meanwhile Lottie is getting married and the only way for them to not steal her thunder is by pretending they’re just friends for the weekend. Featuring Harry and Louis as terrible liars who don’t know the meaning of the word platonic and some Tomlinsons and Styles’s who definitely don’t believe them.

2. Fake It Till You Make It (136k) by @avocadolouie​

In a twisted turn of events, Louis finds himself posing as the brother of his fiancé, Harry, for an annual company retreat.

Did he sign up for this? No.

Is he doing it anyway? Yes.

Can they actually pull this off? Probably not.

[chatnoirismycinnamonroll]

HAPPY FREAKING NEW YEAR!!!!

So, I know last year was rough, but it was filled with good and bad things. It wasnt a perfect balance, but all the bad things need to balance out into good some time.

I'd like to give a shout out to @dreamteaze, who is my best friend in real life, for finally getting me into Tumblr. Although, of course, Tumblr decided to try to shut down the same month I get in, but go off I guess.

To all my followers, thank you for following me and I hope you keep liking the things I post. I know many of you followed me because of my AU, and dont worry, I will continue it. I have just had a very severe case of writer's block these past few weeks.

And, finally, to all my friends, those who I have chatted with, rebloggrd their things as they reblog theirs, I'd like to share a little story of why I think we should try to reach out to people more this year through the internet.

So I checked my messages one day within these past two weeks, and I realized I had a message from one of my mutuals. She told me she really liked my AU and my blog, and that i was doing a really good job with it. It seemed at least a day old, i think, i wasnt too sure, ANYWAY-

So, as the excited new Tumblr user that I am, still very excited that PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE MY FANFICTION, I text back.

Simple, right?

Well, I'm very glad I took that simple chance to text back because, even though I did it before with @drarrylover007 (sorry that I havent texted back in so long, btw, havent forgotten about you tho), I didnt exactly think its get anywhere and I told myself, why are you trying to make friends? Internet friends never last.

DING DONG, I WAS WRONG.

Because, two weeks later, after occassionally texting back and forth and learning about her more and about her personality, I decided to take it a step further.

While chatting with @un1cornf1ghter one day, I realized I wanted to actually keep this wonderful little ball of fluff in my life. So what did I do? Obviously, I texted my group of friends about her.

Well, it isnt exactly a "group" more than it is a Family. We are so close that I knew they would love her and she would fit right in. I told myself, this girl needs more friends. I'm her friend, and I have friends who have similar personalities to her, so why not introduce them? I mean, I basically have adopted her, so what's one more member for our family?

Sure enough, @un1cornf1ghter fit right in with our dysfunctional family. It's been several days, but shes gotten on great. See, what she needed was people she could connect with, people she could talk to. And I saw this shy Tumblr user reach out to me, converse with me even though she was nervous about the internet world, and tell me some of her real world problems, problems I knew how to deal with through my own friends, and problems my friends could handle better than me.

So, me being the genius I am, basically gave Uni, my sweet bean and "unofficial daughter", a brand new family. And I dotn regret it at all, becuase now our friends have a new person to love, protect, as no share stories and experiences with, someone new to get to know and to give her smiles, while also being her new support when shes down or just needs to wipe a tear away. We have only had her for a few days, but if anything happened to @un1cornf1ghter , my friends and I would stop at nothing to hunt the asshole down and slowly torture them with every creative idea we have. And considering theres at least 5 of us protecting her, that's actually a lot of creative ideas.

So here's to a new year with new friends and new experiences. I'm looking forward to what 20 Bi-Teen has in store for us.

Happy New Year, everybody.

Love, Eli.

@un1cornf1ghter @mindfulmagics @drarrylover007 @miraculousbuebird @dreamteaze @zoe-oneesama @lunian @markruffalo @incorrect-into-the-spiderverse @irondadfics

[crinklebuns]

a

the australian government’s department of human services might seem incompetent but they know exactly what they’re doing either them or their governing body quite deliberately make the welfare system unbearable at every single step, and every few years the belt tightens, people in genuine need or trouble and people who are honest to god trying their hardest to get themselves into a better life are the ones that suffering every budget, people on newstart are hundreds of dollars a fortnight below the poverty line if welfare is their sole income, social security isn’t a lifestyle that anyone wants and its fucking insulting when politicians who haven’t wanted for a single fucking thing a day in their life have never been hungry have never had to worry about being on the street if they forget to tick yes on a website every 2 weeks or don’t mark off attendance before 5pm everyday suggest that i’m ‘bludging’ off the taxpayer, these out of touch actual tax payer thieves writing off family holidays as business expenses say oh, just stop buying X, among all the other concessions we have to make, i’m a fat motherfucker and can’t afford to live healthily because shitty garbage food is so much cheaper than actually eating right, and everything we ever hear is you’re the problem it’s you it’s you failed an interview? you need work on your skills, it’s not that 20 people are applying for the same position and obviously they are going to pick the best candidate it’s your fucking fault because you aren’t good at talking to strangers and can’t be yourself and freeze when you finally see a glimmer of escaping the fucking drudgery or that theres only 150,000 job vacancies at any one time and nearly 2 million unemployed/underemployed people trying to get them and another few hundred thousand hidden unreported unemployed, it’s just your fault. this system is designed to push people to the fucking brink so they save some pennies on the budget to pump hundreds of millions into privatization for pure fucking profit. if the government gave a shit about lowering unemployment it would focus on job creation incentives but instead i’m in a mindset where i will accept any paid job no matter how bad the conditions and pay are not ONLY that but i’m obligated to as apart of agreements i’ve signed. unemployment is so stigmatizing and abrasive to even talk about, when people ask what i do i don’t say i am obligated to work 25hrs a week to satisfy a clause in my job plan, i just say i work at an op shop, and before that i lied to every single person that asked and usually just tell them i’m a student at the uni. job agencies are so little help, i could list a dozen personal anecdotes why and so could anyone else on newstart their bottom line is just keeping DHS happy and making their numbers look good after all they get funding for every single one of us in their system : ) they even refered to me as a “client” in correspondence to my work for the dole provider, my old consultant before my current didn’t even look at my job search effort, if i wrote the same listing 20 times i’m sure she wouldn’t have noticed, i would email her resume updates and i’d actually have to ask about them in our appointments and she’d just go ‘oh’ and open it and read it then and suggest changes after i’ve already printed and handed off copies.

this is a cycle that isn’t intended to be broken, we are a commodity to job providers and a statistic to the government we are free labour to work for the dole hosts.

[rylisin-art]

March Updates

Some general update journal / long post thing about what’s been going on etc

The General: Wow, I haven't done one of these in a very long time. I've certainly been a ghost lately but that's mostly because I've been trying to get my life in order as much as I can and just getting some stuff done. That means I've been online a lot less, mostly cause I've found certain things to be too exhausting or distracting. I've currently been searching for a part-time job and getting back into the workforce after 2 years of being out of it. It's hard and scary, but I'm positive I'll find something soon. Also starting to make work on learning to drive, the hard part is processing the road code book as I'm much more of a practical learner than theory... so that area is slow going, but I know once I get the learners it'll open up a whole lot more doors in regards to a lot of things. I'm also eyeing up a simple uni course for next year as something to fall back on as a safety net and trying to get more active so I can loose some of the weight I put on as a result of the medication I'm currently on. Slow progress, but at the moment everything is still baby steps. For those who don't know, the past 14 months has been incredibly shitty on my end and I've been struggling with depression / anxiety problems, along with other things I don't desire to talk about publicly. That's why I've been so absent in terms of art and general activity. Thankfully my family and a few close friends have been supportive during that time and it's really helped things. I'm slowly starting to get back into art again, woot woot. I'm also going to be attempting to do some more arty streams on Twitch now I feel I've got a good set up going. However, I've decided a lot of my personal and world / story building art will not be uploaded to my main sites, mostly due to the sticky-fingered nature of some people and the fact i got tired of having to ask people not to use them on RP forums etc. Plus theres a lot to redo in regards to that, so many things to redraw >.> I will upload some stuff like race concepts, environments, monsters etc but solid character stuff will be sneaky secret for now. A lot of what I will be aiming to upload will be general arts, studies and dipping back into some old fanart. Soulsborne / Elder Scrolls Im looking at you. So yes, hopefully I have more content and a variety to upload again soon. Teh Discord: I know I've been a huge hit and miss on there lately and it will continue for sometime. I'm not avoiding people, I'm just taking more me time and trying to get things sorted or i'm just busy and trying to focus on said things. My ability to focus has gone to poop so I get easily distracted and forget about things. Somedays (or weeks) I just don't have a lot to talk about so I'm hoping you guys understand :thumbsup: I've also had difficulty starting conversations, so if you haven't heard from me in a while I still love you, I'm just too much of a nervous / forgetful wreck to say hi. I do also have a discord art server, with its original intent to be for studies and improvement but due to the things I've stated above it's just become a casual sharing / feedback and resource sharing server. It's small and moves slow but I still love it. If you'd like to join you're always welcome to ask, but if you're looking for a great-all rounder server I highly recommend The Ink Tank. I'm super quiet there but it's a great community :> The Commissions: I know I said I was aiming to re-open around March this year, but with how things are at the moment I don't feel comfortable or ready to re-open them just yet. I may do a few unique creature / character designs here and there to sell but commissions themselves will probably re-open towards the end of the year OR early next year. I don't want to make a concrete date because things have been changing so much lately and it's easier to estimate than say "Yeah they'll be open insert-specific-date". So I'm sincerely sorry to all the wonderful people who expressed interest in them and I hope you understand. I also need to figure out some stuff with my paypal too and other things that involve numbers, as there is a lot to learn in regards to things like taxes and freelancing ; - ; As for Art trades, I am considering giving them another shot this year. We'll have to wait and see. But yeah, thats the long and short of it really. Stuffs been happening, I'm still alive but just in mega-ninja mode while figuring stuff out. Love you guys, thanks for the support and everything.

[fuckstudy]

hi! do you mind sharing what uni you graduated from/extent to which go8 has an impact? (totally understandable if you dont, just curious) and how did you find the process of securing a law-related job upon graduation? do you have any tips regarding tackling the aus job market for law grads? esp. when you don't have a lot of professional exp/good grades/connections :/ sorry theres alot of qs here, haha. ty!

Hey! All good - love it when I get inquisitive anons in my inbox. Grab a cuppa, cause here we go: 

1. Go8

I graduated from a Go8 uni. 

To the extent to which Go8 has had an impact in actually securing a job - not much.  Employers focussed on my grades (regardless of uni) and what practical experience I had. 

So ‘brand and name’ wise, being a Go8 graduate had no effect on my prospects of employment. 

However, I’d say the opportunities and structure of a degree program at a university has a greater impact on your changes of securing a job upon graduation. A LLB/JD program that integrates practical experience (e.g. a program that includes a semester elective where the university actually helps you get a 6 month internship), in my opinion, is worth much much more than whether a uni is part of the Go8. So I guess, to the extent a Go8 university provides that… then yes, it has an impact. But you’ll find that a lot of non Go8 universities have similar (and sometimes better) programs. 

I also found Honours (or any other extended research program) helped me with the application and interview process. It demonstrated an area of interest, an ability to write longform, research skills and was an easy reply to all those pesky interview questions (e.g. “tell us about an area of law you are interested in and how you’ve demonstrated that interest….”) 

And to get really petty, the marking scheme that a university uses has a an impact. I guess. Some universities don’t scale their marks. Others do. A HD in one university may only count as a D in another university. Human resources usually know about this, I’d assume cvMail adjusts for this…. but if you’re going at face value…. (personally I think this is just law grads’ paranoia and absolute bs….but i dnk whether its something you’d want to consider) 

2. How did I find the process of securing a law related job upon  graduation 

Honestly? Pretty shit. 

I mean, yes, I secured a ‘law’ job upon graduation. And for the foreseeable future. Which will enable me to be admitted, go through my restricted practice years, become a ‘lawyer’ etc. 

But the stress, anxiety, depression that comes with employment uncertainty started…. a long time ago. 

Why? 

I mean, we all know the process of securing a “law job” traditionally starts in your penultimate year. Most top to mid tier firms only offer grad jobs to candidates who have completed clerkships with them. Hence, the clerkship application process in your penultimate year can be really friggin’ hectic. 

And it’s hard not to think you’ve lost your shot at this “law career” thing - even if you’re not sure you want to go into law but want to keep the door open - when you aren’t successful in the clerkship process. 

But here’s the thing - clerkships aren’t the be all and end all. 

The problem is, it feels like it. 

The most important thing to me was finding the confidence to apply widely every time you get knocked back. Every time you get knocked back for a clerkship, grad job, job, internship - it hurts. Its a real confidence shaker. It makes you doubt whether or not you’re good enough to finish your degree, and why the fuck did I choose this degree - I shoulda done commerce instead. 

But push through. Cry, yell, sleep in bed, doubt yourself, get angry at yourself (I did), stay up all night doing the application - it doesn’t matter as long as you submit the application. 

Also, don’t forget the role of sheer dumb luck. For me, whilst I had a strong academic record (and some practical experience), I only landed my job two weeks’ after sitting my final exam…. over a lunchbreak. Seriously. 

Its about creating your own chances. I didn’t say no to any opportunity because I couldn’t afford to say no. And in the end, the sum of my weird, random, off the beaten track opportunities led me to that lunchroom, to that conversation and to my current job. 

3. Tackling the aus job market 

Firms are changing. We’ve got a lot of global connections now. And that creates a lot of opportunities - and a lot of competition. 

The usual “job tips” apply - e.g. apply widely, prepare for your interview etc. 

But specifically in Aus - if you have the opportunity to, do a rural/ community based stint. Not many people are willing to go out 3 hours into the middle of nowhere. Or to live in the outback for a bit. 

But that’s where you’ll get the best experience. Chances are the experience you get there will be much more hands on. More court appearances (if advocacy is what you want to do). It’d be much more hectic - given the strain on resources and the sheer logistical difficulties... but a few rural years’ experience may give you the edge when you move back to the city and hunt for those 2+ PAE (post admission experience) jobs. 

Don’t be afraid to start in a small-mid tier firm. Just... never forget that where you start is not where you will finish. Because you will change - your wants, your interests, your priorities. And as such, it’s realistic to expect that your career goals will aswell. 

 4. Tackling the aus job market when you don’t have any connections 

(you and me both anon) 

LBR, having family/ friend connections in the ‘law’ can be a shortcut to getting your foot into the profession. 

But the best thing is that being in law school gives you the opportunity to make those connections. 

For example: 

Participating in competitions is a platform through which you can start building your networks (I have to admit, I never did this though.) 

Getting a mentor. Seriously. Mentoring programs are the best for this.  

Engage with your lecturers - esp if you’re interested in their research/ subject area. Chances are they’ve got contacts from their time practicing or as a lecturer. 

I kept eyes on my university careers’ page like a hawk - including opportunities outside of law. 

If its within your financial means, go for unpaid opportunities. 

And… even though it’s bloody competitive and hard and everyone seems to have this ‘taboo’ about talking about who/what/when/where they applied, talk to someone you trust. For me, it was graduates in the year above me, or from other universities - they kept me in the loop.

It also helps to stalk the fuck out of career’s handbooks from other universities. Whilst all universities are pretty detailed in the commercial/ top tier end (who could blame them - chances are they’re funding that new refurbishment on campus :P), I found some universities provided much broader advice + opportunities outside ‘commercial law’. 

Here’s the thing... you don’t need connections to enter the legal profession. Sure, ‘networking’ is part and parcel of the gig. But never think that “I’ll never be a lawyer because I don’t know anyone!”. 

In the end, jobs are (well, should be) given on merit. 

And if they’re not going to take you on merit - then are you sure that’s a place that you’d want to work? 

All the best anon. I know it’s a frustrating time to be a law grad. 

[vosebin-blog]

AAAHHHH *insert my longest yeah boy ever here* HOWDY i’m sophie, the writer for this cute lady here. i haven’t....watched twin peaks cause im lame but i did grow up watching the twilight zone and i think true detective is in the same vein of concept of dark and creepy so!! all about having a good time here my friends🍸✨🍸 

u know the drill: plots and tldr after the jump, app jic, stats.  send me a dm if u wanna brainstorm or give this a like and ill get to u asap! xoxo

26 y.o muhan native that had moved to seoul for college, then work. "day" job was an accountant and its only v recently that she revealed herself 2 be the ~mysterious~ writer thatd been topping the bookseller lists w her rlly icky nasty writing

to make it easy, if u want to get a good idea of her content, think gillian flynn and crank that up by 10. writing is also quite similar: blunt, unapologetic, meant 2 make u uncomfortable. cults. religious mania. murder. unpleasant women for characters galore. wrote 3 books: scratch marks, hunger of the woods, split wide

also y no one would have guessed that a face like hers wouldve written about shit so unnerving + horror / mystery genre dominated by male writers!!

has been accused over the yrs for misogyny and misandry thats apparently “present” in her work. if u bring this up to her she will probably laugh u out of town 

only had 1 press conference, and that was 2 announce a sudden retirement + reveal her identity ( tho its rlly an.....indefinite hiatus but anyway ) and thats really that for seoul

but to those at muhan, shes probably just known as the girl who returned right when her mothers gone missing. coincidence??? i think not

except theyre not entirely wrong lol but with how carefree and relaxed shes been theres been a certain reputation thats been tacked onto her since game start

which she fully embraces, stereotype by stereotype, bcus its funny. creepy writer aesthetics? shes got it buddy, from the rickety rocking chair on the front porch near the mouth of the woods 2 that anne sexton ~flair~ for storytelling. 

keeps a pleasant exterior, but lmao the bitch vibes r thereeeee 200%. nice to talk to, but not a nice person i can promise u that. maybe makes up for it a little for being self aware and not being fake about it???

if u were in highschool wit her or were of acquaintance, then u most likely got a taste of it loool. was that 1 friend ( frenemy?? enemy??? ) who held nothing back, insults or otherwise

real reason y shes back here is only to pay back wtv huge ass debt mama accumulated and ran away from....but no one knows that except those friendly debt collectors thatve been coming around lately. shes working on it, but the bigger issue is having to face the demons of living in ur childhood home where youve left buried in the yard till now

long story short: sebin and mom had an extremely, extremely dysfunctional relationship. complicated history of envy, hatred, emotional abuse, vicious fights, gaslighting, understanding and family love. ultimately shit happens when ur left as a single mom banished to the side of the woods and have 2 give up everything to raise a kid u didnt even want. its not pretty, its not cute but its the 1 thing that shes known to be real all her life and it means something. writing ( obscured as it may be ) has helped her deal with it and in a way, its almost confessional. she hasnt disclosed any of this with anybody and doesnt plan to

given that, shes turned out ok?? as in, she kind of embraces the person shes been shaped into rather than reeling from shame

pet peeve is when ppl think they have her ~all figured out~ to which shes like.....ok....its not that deep lmao pls kindly fuck off sherlock holmes

should probably add that mom ran a little apothecary that raked in a decent amount of money but not enough. sebin just recently sold it 

thinks church is pointless, isnt all that aware of the cult but would prob think its stupid as fuck too. someone, be it god or satan or anyone else, pls save her...or dont LOL

dresses all ~casual chic~ ankle boots, lightwashed jeans, loose dress shirts. lotsa cute scarves

drinks too much. smokes too much. its a problem but she dont think so

find her @ the casino playing bridge or at college being a guest lecturer when shes not chilling at her house 

some plots / prompts

someone to have clever banter with

fan or admirer of her work that wont pipe the fuck down or relax and kinda makes sebin snap

bible thumpers who think shes a disgrace to the ~esteemed~ image of her mom

cult members who think that she’d be a good addition to their crew

mutual sexual ~tension~ or the classic will they wont they with a twist

her writing hit hard @ something rlly personal and it makes u rlly uncomfortable and u rlly just cant feel easy around her as a result

friends, exes, frenemies, classmates, childhood playmates

u thought her mom was an absolute darling and got along with her well so when sebin comes along and sells her shit right after the lady’s disappeared it strikes a nerve

someone shes met in seoul and / or uni

sebin just highkey scares u and she gets a kick out of messing witchu

let me show you my darker half, and i’ll show you mine. intense. honest. maybe even a little frightening. not so idle conversation late at night

u try to hit on her but shes just not gonna let u in so easy buddy

rainy night and u need somewhere to stay so u come by her house

‘why do u have.....all those knives........and guns.......and taxidermy......’

[pumpumdemsugah]

no reblogs

long as hell  

some of you do a really piss poor job of hiding your misogyny behind being really aggressive about “keeping terfs off my turf” 

theres a post on my dash by a person that compared being disinterested in penises to being afraid of Black people so you know they have sense. its about how terfs have always been hated and im checking the notes because the notes on posts like this are really wild and reminds me to stay away from whites and uni students and this one person is like “ terfdom might not be a wide spread in countries where reproductive rights isn’t a hot button issue “ and its like you lot really and truly think because it can be essentialist to centre womanhood around reproduction that anything that involves it is a problem. regardless of the fact than in every single patriarchal culture reproductive exploitation is usually at its core of how they control women even if they are infertile and its works 

the fact that terf can mean anything from a feminist with really cruel demeaning ideas about trans people to anyone that believes in sex based oppression (some of you actually think thats up for debate lol you and your uni lgbt group can go suck out if you think that  ) and thinks that reproductive rights is a woman’s issue and the notes reflect that. most of you are straight up misogynist with a queer label and not much sense. its a womans issue cause its something used to control women and it works, why are you lot being dumb about it? when did every woman have to be impacted for it to be a womans issue? we don’t do this with other things but with the one thing that uniquely fucks over poor and non-western women you lot are stupid about it.  there are other important issues as well but god its misogyny 101 and you lot wanna argue that because not all people that ID as women are impacted you should pretend a problem of misogyny isn’t misogyny. i get that thinking about things through the lens of gender identity is more comfortable for many of you doesn’t mean oppression gives a shit. it didn’t give a shit about how the women in my family sees their gender and it doesn’t give a shit how i see mine

my point is i literally do not trust any of you that presents a version of the past that neatly fits and matches with ideas that are popular today because its literally never completely true and im sure when im more well read about lgbt history im probably right that the OP is being disingenuous cause you lot are not above lying your asses off . some of you treat that past like a wish fulfilment fantasy instead of how messy it can be and how much it can clash with modern ideas of whats good politics and how you should talk about whatever . there was another post floating around somewhere about why the OP of the post in question is being disingenuous but im not looking for it  

there are many ways to tackle the problem of the oppression of women and highlight the experience of those that are vulnerable and ignored but if you treat the issue of reproductive rights and control with suspicion, you dont ever need to be anywhere that isn’t your tiny urban queer cliche because you’re probably an idiot and have useless ugly politics that are completely useless to uneducated non-western raised women in my family

my politics comes from a place of how would this work for poorly educated women from non-western countries  (like my mum and family ) or being gay in the carribean (something i deeply care about) and most of you dont even come near to being even a little helpful  

[larryfic-recs]

Do u know any percy jackson au? Also could u recommend some wattpad fics other than jeddiejay and larry_lashton?❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Hi! I’ve only found one Percy Jackson au and its quite short. But I’ll also rec another fic where Harry is Cupid (the love god that shoots arrows at ppl’s asses and makes them fall in love lol) and it’s a very good read! And about wattpad, please follow my account pattycake18 and Jen’s account _SweetDisposition_ and add our fic to your library link here! We have lists of the fics that we have read so you can look through those. In the meantime I’ll rec a few of my favorites. As far as wattpad authors go, Britt1DForLife, TrulyMadlyLarry, LarryWriting, onedirection23rd, bestwriterever8, uniquelyxlarry, gaysicle, LemonSuccubus, EvouzAg, booandhazzababe, and smileyourepretty have some good ones.

- Ami xx

Like a Drum (Baby, Don’t stop Beating) by exitthequitters (1k words, percy jackson au!)

They walk through the camp together hand in hand, past the big house where Chiron waves happily at them, past the strawberry field where Louis first kissed Harry, past the lake where Louis first met Zayn and Liam, past the dinning hall where Niall sat down next to Louis before he knew he shouldn’t, and to Harry’s cabin.

Or, they’re all sons of Greek gods at a summer camp for demigods.

cupid’s defence by rhuubarb (100k words, WIP [two chapters left])

“Of course, the ONE time a ridiculously attractive man shows up at Louis’ home, butt naked, he turns out to be an arrogant love god. Not only that, but he’s an arrogant love god facing a multi-million pound lawsuit, possible banishment from Mount Olympus, and a shit ton of adjustment issues.”

Alternatively: Harry is Cupid, Louis and Liam own a law firm, and they’re all getting sued.

Wattpad Recs:

Victorian Boy by AudreyHornesHeart (WIP, currently reading and loving)

Harry the virgin Duke of Somerset knows little of love, while Louis the sly Duke of Warwick knows too much. When the two dukes come together for the annual fox hunt in Yorkshire, Harry finds himself drawn into Louis’ bed. But when secrets from the Louis’ dark past come to light, Harry fears that the fox isn’t the only one being hunted.

17 Black by larrys_fedora (WIP, slow burn, but amazingly written)

When sassy, stubborn high school football star Louis Tomlinson meets the new hard-ass team coach, Harry Styles, a heated rivalry sparks between the two and it is evident that the upcoming season is sure to be eventful.

no homo by louvinglouis (WIP, funnest fic I’ve ever read!)

louist91: I kinda really wanna suck your dick 

louist91: no homo tho 

my summary: Texting au where Louis and Harry fall in love over funny messages but Louis always ends them with #NoHomo. They eventually meet in person, along with Niall, Liam, and Zayn, and the madness only continues.

Thin Walls by beautifulnightmare2 (complete)

Louis moves into a flat while he’s at university, his next-door neighbour, Harry, who he’s never seen is rather loud at night. Louis confronts him about said noise and the two start to chat through the rather thin wall between their bedrooms. Will they ever meet, and if they do… what could ensue for the both of them?

Wanted Most by LarryWriting (complete)

Louis Tomlinson is a thief, and a damn good one at that. Most have heard of him. Most don’t understand him. And Harry Styles is the FBI agent who can never seem to catch him

these bountiful silences by tommoandbambi (complete)

They live in a world where they’re only allowed to say four words a day. Harry meets some people that don’t want to live that way. 

i sleep naked by uniquelyxlarry (complete)

“you’re so small.” as if to prove his point, louis squeezed harry tightly in his arms, and harry just scrunched up a little bit, snuggling his head impossibly farther into louis’ chest. “my pretty paper doll.”

and when louis squeezed him again, placing a shaky, yet warm kiss on harry’s cold forehead, harry felt his heart feel that way again, he felt love. a soft flutter, that even the most self control in the world couldn’t stop. he loved louis. he loved him even though he didn’t want to, he really didn’t.

okay, maybe a little.

17BLACK by obeylarry (complete)

17Black: a gay strip club in London known for hot strip teases, a talented dj, and matchmaking? Harry is moving to London as a new addition to 17Black - new penthouse, hot job, amazing pay - sounds great. Sure it is a clear violation of Harry’s sexuality, but it’s not gay unless you make it gay, right? Plus it’s only for a month anyway. And of course, time flies when you meet a cute bloke named Louis. Who knows? A lot can happen in a month.

Elf Bites ❄ by simmerup (WIP, Christmas au)

“Deck the halls with balls of toenails, fa-la-la-la-la, I hate your beard.”“I don’t have a beard.”“I know.  It’s pathetic.”

A jolly AU where Harry is an elf-in-training who quits his job and moves to London after the Elder Elves cancel Christmas in the North Pole.  He plans to stay in London after that…but he decides to save his favorite holiday instead.  And he may or may not enlist the help of his favorite human and full-time scrooge, Louis.

Wicked by gaysicle (complete, fairy tale au)

ursula lives under the sea with her surprisingly beautiful son. she gives him legs so he can get revenge on ariel by killing her daughter, but he gets his own ideas when he views peter pans son

Fading by tothemoonmydear (complete, one of the best)

Louis knows about beauty; the combination of qualities that pleases the aesthetic senses. He creates that combination every day in the garments he designs while studying fashion at uni. The cut of the design, the color of the fabric, the intricacy of the stitching; it all comes together to create something beautiful. When the science student with the long legs and dimpled smile agrees to model for him, Louis decides he’s found beauty personified. Harry just thinks Louis needs someone to show him how beautiful he is.

If I Could Fly by alessandra (complete)

If the sea can meet the sky agreeably at the horizon, how much harder can it truly be for feathers and fins? Is the water not drawn naturally to the shore? Does the sun not bend down to kiss the waves at the end of the day?

A Larry Stylinson-inspired fairy tale AU that’s mostly fluff with a dash of angst, and a lil adventure thrown in for good measure (feat: merman!harry & harpy!louis characters by pass-the-pencil)

Just Say You Love Me, Just For Today by _SweetDisposition_ (complete, my personal fav by Jen!)

A Larry Stylinson Parent Trap Au

Boys Divisional School of Manners by boybands77 (complete)

What the fuck is the purpose to a manners school? Not what I was expecting I’ll tell you that. Basically a BDSM school fic.

Fight For Me by Mie1412 (complete, no smut)

“So, we’re friends?” Louis asked timidly, his blue eyes looking up at Harry through his lashes, Harry’s chest suddenly feeling all weird.

   Fuck everything. His life really was one big mess at the moment but maybe he should just go with the flow and see what happens. Couldn’t get any crazier than it already has been anyway.

   "Yeah… we’re friends.“

   [Or the one where Harry’s an underground boxer, Louis’ the prize and now Harry has to fight to protect him]

Four’s Company by vampire_angel_z (complete, and theres a sequel)

The Styles Triplets need a mate. Louis is too good to be true. 

Purple Reign by LemonSuccubus (complete, please read the warnings)

“Love is for fools; and I, Louis Tomlinson, am not meant to have any lover other than myself.”

Purple Rain /ˈpɝː-//reɪn/: A of feeling or emotion brought on by the memory of a regretful action, resulting in the personal knowledge that what has transpired cannot be corrected or undone.

Hunting the Belgian forest as a falconer for the royal family is where Louis and his brother Niall find sanctuary.  A regal living within the stone walls of the castle is the only haven the prince’s cousin, Harry, has ever known.  Their lives shouldn’t cross paths, but when word gets around that Harry could be a new candidate for Louis’ notorious promiscuity, the two find themselves in uncharted waters.  

Though Louis believes that love is for fools, he can’t help but find himself becoming a fool for Harry.  Their serendipitous love is only beginning to flourish when royal secrets emerge and test their loyalty.

Baby Heaven’s in your Eyes by smileyourepretty (complete)

They couldn’t be more different if they tried.

Louis Tomlinson is 17 years old and in his last year of the most prestigious private school in Doncaster, before then he’s off to Uni. He has big plans for his future, and thanks to his parent’s money he will have no problem achieving them. Everyone who attends his school knows him thanks to his incredibly rich family, sassy attitude and gorgeous girlfriend, Eleanor Calder. If there’s one thing that completely annoys him, it’s that there is a community college right across the street from St. Mark’s Private School, and he has to look at the poor, totally inappropriate students that go there.

Harry Styles is 19 years old, and (once again) in his last year of college. He goes to Doncaster’s community college, just because the Holmes Chapel comprehensive expelled him twice in the span of two years, so he and his family had to move to another town. He has no future because he never shows up to classes and if he actually bothers to, he’s either high or drunk; sometimes both. His skin is littered with tattoos and if there’s one thing he absolutely hates, it’s the snobby students attending the private school right across from his, who think they’re better than anyone just because their parents have money.

When they meet, Louis is nothing but disgusted by the tattooed boy, and Harry can’t help but laugh at the innocent yet sassy boy with blue eyes and amazing arse.

Or a sixth form!AU where Harry is the fucked up bad boy with too many problems, Louis is the perfect rich boy with too much money and their schools are right across from each other. They meet at a party and that’s the last (and maybe the only) thing they need.

Whatever It Takes by bestwriterever8 (complete, mpreg)

Louis Tomlinson always wanted to have children.

At the age of 29 and after years of failed relationships he decided he wasn’t going to wait for the right person anymore, so he had a baby on his own.

But what will happen when that child gets sick? What will Louis be willing to do to save his child’s life?

Detention by TrulyMadlyLarry (complete)

Detention is supposed to be a punishment, but for Louis and Harry, it’s the start of something beautiful.  Unfortunately, what starts off as a harmless love affair quickly takes a turn for the worse.  Through all the stereotypes, judgments, family issues, and demons from the past, Louis and Harry struggle to stay strong.  What happens in detention, stays in detention.

Strip Me Clean by onedirection23rd (complete)

After Harry had grown up in an orphanage since birth, he finally escaped.

He left.

He couldn’t take being in the place anymore.

At the age of 16, Harry was already on the streets.

He needed a job and now.

When he runs into a man, he gets offered a job that he never thought he’d be doing.

And now, at the age of 22, Harry was one of the best strippers in his clan.

Harry hated the job. He just hated people in general.

But, it did pay well.

When Louis goes into this strip club for his birthday, what happens when he produces feelings for the dark eyed, loud mouth stripper boy who hates relationships, hugging, kissing, hand holding, physical contact, and more?

Louis wants one thing.

To strip Harry clean.

The Housekeeper by onedirection23rd (incomplete)

Harry was just a poor housekeeper… a maid, a caretaker of homes. He had absolutely nothing going for him. He was back and forth on trying to settle in a proper place, but he never made enough money to do so. Harry was always stuck and always came across problems.

That was until he met Louis Tomlinson.

Who was Louis exactly?

Well, he was one of the richest people in London.

Louis had a perfect life.

He had a perfect girlfriend, Eleanor, he had a perfect house, he had a perfect job, he had perfect friends, he had a perfect everything.

Harry would have never expected a job of such worth, but it came about at complete random.

One of Louis’ managers had hired Harry off the bat after Louis had fired his old maid, in search for a new one.

Of course, it started off as any house Harry has taken care of, he would clean up, cook, and go home, unless he was allowed to stay at the home he took care of (which rarely happened).

It was nothing.

Louis only saw Harry as his housekeeper with a shy attitude.

And Harry only saw Louis as his ‘master’ with a big ass ego.

They were opposites, polar opposites.

But… opposites attract, don’t they?

[phantasyprone]

The Memeing of Life - A pretty extensive philosophical critique

Hey everyone, I’m just gonna take another break from writing my graduate thesis to briefly run through some of the points (???) made in Dan’s video. I’m pretty tired and stopped watching Supernatural to type this up so this is incredibly informal so yh, excuse the rambling nature of this. I’ll type what he said in the video then provide my thoughts.

 ‘‘Born too late to explore the earth, born too soon to explore the galaxy, born just in time to browse dank memes.’ Also a phrase that defines the purpose of our existence at this point in human history. Do you ever find yourself wishing for a different life, that your weren’t just a kid at school, or you weren’t just a young adult trying to work out what to do, or a person stuck in a job, but instead a person with a calling – a mission to go on adventure bigger than the life we know’ – OK, I have so many issues with this. 1. Only white males get to say that they wished they lived before this point. 2. ‘just’ a kid, and ‘just’ a young adult? Mate, Dan my man, no one is ‘just’ anything. Every single person is a complex, awesome human being capable of so much. No one is just anything and you say that like everyone out there thinks so little of themselves? Yeh of course, some people are on a journey to try and work out their life’s purpose but some people aren’t? For some people their purpose is to have close friends or family, or theyre on the career path they want, or some people are not in their mid twenties and just wanting to enjoy/get through the hell that is school. If I was 14 and watching a video where someone was telling me that ‘we’ all spend life trying to find our calling or mission I would have been like ‘fuck no. I just wanna pass my exams and get to uni mate, stfu.’ Or many teens, as actually was the same when I was young and super into philosophy, liked to think about this stuff on occasion, but in an informed manner not some chill youtube video they used to escape flinging an existential crisis at them.

  ‘our boring time’ – No, Dan. Our time isn’t boring. It’s exciting, amazing, there’s so much good in the world. Yo, have you even seen videos of baby pandas? Have you read the amazing things activists and progressive politicians, and inspiring children, and wonderful artists, and artists and non white cis straight amazing people are doing to make the world fucking awesome are doing? Nah mate. Not having it.

 (this shit got long so more under the cut)

‘well this is your life and its probs the only one youre gonna get’ – WHY DO YOU SAY THAT LIKE IT’S A BAD THING??? The fact that we only have this one life is such a beautiful thing to cling to and whilst sometimes things may seem shit, theres no need to go saying that phrase in that way like our lives are bad and we should just accept that? Yeh I could be Hermione Granger if I was in the Harry Potter books but would I want to be? NO. Yo, I wouldn’t give up my best mates for anything. And Hermione couldn’t play the guitar but I can. And Hermione didn’t laugh so hard she cried when my mate and me were out walking with huge rucksakes and my mate got stuck between two trees and couldn’t get out, then heaved herself through and fell flat on her face in the mud. NO, I saw that. – a wonderful moment. Yeh, this IS my life, and it’s the only one I’m gonna get SO GREAT. Things can be shit but yo, my mate got stuck in a tree so pffffft, this shit can be pretty awesome sometimes.

 ‘this reality could be a computer simulation talk’ – erghhhh, don’t throw stuff like that out so flippantly. That shit is actualy worrying to some people. I had a breakdown which took me 3 full months to get over that ONE thought, so cheers for saying that so casually. But it’s fine because if this is a computer simulation (which I highly doubt cause I did research, a lot of research) then this is what life is and it’s pretty great anyway so lets just not think about that and enjoy life if we can.

  ‘it’s a lot more difficult for us to find a quest that will give us the big answers’ – who are these people needing quests? Why do we need these big answers? You talk like there is some great, intrinsic meaning to everything and we should all be searching for it? Nah mate. Just enjoy what we have, don’t spend your life constantly searching for answers you’ll never find. Enjoy the now. What’s my big quest? To try and be kind to myself and kind to others. And to try to love myself and love others; there we go – big quest sorted. Don’t go giving people this existential crisis where they feel as though they wont be satisfied if they never find this ‘one true purpose’. You will have many different purposes and many different paths and missions and journeys and you will change and its OK to go in varying directions. There may not even be this idea that everyone has or needs ‘one big quest’ – just do what makes you happy and be kind, and if what makes you happy changes over the years then that’s cool. Don’t ever go thinking that you need to spend your whole life trying to find your purpose and you wont feel fulfilled unless you’ve found that purpose. Why only ‘one’ mission anyway? Do everything that makes you happy and live now instead of waiting and searching your whole life for something that you don’t find because you simply search for it.

 The whole discussion about contributing to science so that only a few people can go to mars – No dan, the amount of incredibly important advances in science, medicine, and technology that was discovered BECAUSE we funded space missions and people tried to find answers in the universe is staggering and I wish I could remember them all, but tust me – the amount of cool stuff in our lives that wouldn’t have been invented if it wasn’t for space exploration is seriously cool and y’all go try and be astronauts because you might change the world even if you don’t get to space.

 ‘reality is slow and painful’ – ergh, I mean, it’s cool if you sometimes think that, I do too! But you cant just say that without any context, or like ‘reality is slow and painful sometimes. But not all the time’. – like, of course we all feel this way sometimes but if you’re making a video you cant just announce that without also saying life is fast and amazing and wonderful. You have a certain responsibility here Dan. So no, reality can’t be defined by that wholly pessimistic and way too sweeping statement that it is ‘slow and painful’.

 then goes onto explain how cool, but not really cool books and film realities are. - yeh, but our lives are pretty cool. I mean, over half all movies and books are based on our reality... so i mean, it gotta be kinda interesting. Which it is...

Good bit being aware of this being a first world problem

 ‘you may say that there are many meaningful missions you could go on from perusing personal passions to politics, science or even changing the world to being a better place by doing charity work, and yep, that is all true but its not something that we can completely escape to, leaving what we know behind. I know, pretty disheartening right.’ – I mean, yay, finally some optimism but it was all ruined when you said that basically no matter what you do, you cant escape this reality. Eergh. No, Go do all those amazing amazing things and there is no way that any of these things are lessoned by the fact that they’re still within our reality. Escapism isn’t necessarily the best thing? Sometimes we gotta look at our reality and see how awesome it can be amongst the shit. And we should do all these amazing things to make it even better because if you could escape to a different world would you? If everyone who had something to give to society left then what state would humanity be in? A shit one. I for one am glad we can’t escape and I wouldn’t want to. Changing the world and making it a better place, whether that’s through charity work or by being a generally nice and lovely person, is awesome and the fact that we cant leave this reality isn’t disheartening.

 ‘But what do we have… is a world that might never do anything particularly amazing apart from destroying the world; memes’ – No, just no. People now are doing pretty fucking awesome things. Like, I don’t really need to say any more. Have you seen how far we’ve come? How much societal progression has occurred for minorities and women and the LGBTQIA+ community, and those who are disabled? Of course we have so so so far to go, but things are slowly progressing in general.

 meme discussions – they are relatable and show us how we all have relative experiences – but like no, memes are a cultural artefact which can be alike to Dadaist and surrealist work pointing out the absurdity of our time and how meaning can be warped and blah semantics, existentialism, satra, kafka, keikergaard, Joseph Heller, (I can’t be asked right now to go into a discussion of memes and existentialism and meaning because it’s interesting but long and tbh Dan should’ve covered that so I’m salty he missed this great and obvious discussion)

 ‘it’s what we do all day, and perhaps, that is us attempting to find meaning within ourselves in a time when the universe isn’t providing any easy answers’ – ergh, why do we always have to be searching for this true meaning you’re talking about? Maybe we just shouldn’t search for an intrinsic meaning? Look for love and kindness and humanity because who can argue with that, and let’s just not give your entire audience an existential crisis, or if you did want to discuss existentialism then please do so in a balanced, well researched and UPLIFTING WAY. This shit is serious and I’ve had so many breakdowns because of it but through YEARS AND YEARS of reading am I good and OK and not in that deluge or worry for meaning anymore. If you wanted to discuss such deep and truly worrying stuff as this, you needed to be more eloquent, less ‘ergh life is shit’ and just generally more optimistic (which I know you can be so, like, why was this so dreary and ergh)?

 so go reach for your dreams because what is important is that it’s your choice – erghhhhhh where did this argument go? We’ve missed so many steps in your discussion of finding one ‘true mission’ into you having a choice? Mate, I know how you could jump between these but you haven’t explained how you got here or how this all links up and whaaaaa? You need to back up WHY peoples choices make sense within the existentialist discussion youre basing all this on. You cant just say it and expect people to know?

 Sorry guys, that was my incredibly messy discussion of this video which was not at all eloquent because my brain is fried and I paused my rewatching of Supernatural to type this stuff up. 

[fuck-customers]

scandal - cliques and sex

**i really love my manager, he was the manager at my store about 3 years ago before i transferred, he then left and then came back about a month or so after i transferred. i've came to him with so many problems - both work related and personally due to various things such as the death of a family member, mental health and even because i wanted time off to do some silly uni assignment last minute. he let me leave 45 mins early one day because i looked upset - he's a gem. and its not just me that he does this shit for - its everyone. i get on with him personally as we have similar interests. he's a pretty good boss most of the time, and he's never been an asshole to me.**

this is kind of a fuck-managers, fuck co-workers thing but anyway my work has broke into proper scandal recently. 

ANYWAY, its highly likely my boss is fucking one of my co-workers, let's call her becky so i don't refer to her as "this girl" 24/7. shes 25, hes 30. 

it's a huuuge story and we basically need to speak about it all for it to all make sense. (and believe me this is the cut version) 

when my boss become the store manager for the second time, everyone was happy cos he's amazing but there was a lot of giggling like, "oh becky will be happy, she loves him" blah blah blah all that bullshit. anyway, she had a boyfriend at the time and he was in a pretty serious long term relationship. i never thought anything of it, cos he is a pretty man and he seemed to be her "type". 

flash forward to about a year later, late 2016, she gets promoted to keyholder. she did a lot of opening shifts - often with my boss. again, i see no problem with this. she's full time and she gets on with everyone. progression. good for her. 

but this is when shit gets nasty! she becomes friends with these two part time girls - obviously there's nothing wrong with this but they form a pretty brutal clique. they managed to get shifts together and just sorta stood and spoke for the whole shift, had their lunches together and did no work whilst hating on everyone else for not doing work, idk whatever. they have this whatsapp chat, where they added pretty much every girl apart from me, a girl we will call "sally" (who similarly, fucked our old supervisor but thats a different story and they date now so its not as bad), the xmas temps, the other full time girl and the mature student whose part time. i cared at first but i got over it pretty soon. 

becky became very nasty to sally, basically because sally seen through her shit and called her out for being a bitch. becky managed to turn most of the girls away from sally, apart from those not in the chat and one of the girls in the groupchat ("emily") who never contributed. sally spoke to my boss about it because she was feeling really shitty, and he just kinda swept it under the carpet - very not a him thing to do. sally couldnt take it and ended up quitting - which is a shame, because sally was probs my closest friend at work.

i spoke to sally about this at a later date when we met up and she said that when she opened with becky and the manager they ignored her and made her do stupid tasks whilst they did really minor jobs together. she said it reminded her of what her and her now boyfriend used to do at work. this opens my eyes a lil, and i noticed anytime i am working with them that they talk a lot, and go on lunch together - my boss normally takes his lunch alone when shes not in and he used to drive home and eat it with his girlfriend - or he'd sit in a cafe.  

jumping a little bit, i was on a shift and was on the phone to a manager of another store, he asked to speak to our manager, and i couldnt find him anywhere. when i finally find him i just hand him the phone, not saying anything because the store was really busy. it sinks in as i walk away from him that i caught him crying. he doesn't properly bring it up again but he asks me and a few other people "what would you do if you saw me crying" - i feel mega guilty but act as if i honestly didnt see, cause its awkward. idk if i mentioned it before but he has like major depression, possibly bipolar but hasnt confronted his doctor on this (i dunno how many people know this) and like, i think some things get to him. like if him and the area manager disagree, or if him and his girlfriend fell out or if he fucked something simple up. hes quite reserved during the xmas period, and very unlike himself. i mention this to a supervisor im very good friends with a few weeks later and they tells me that hes been having problems with his girlfriend and she got rid of their pet dog, for no apparent reason.

so thats...really shit.

at some point becky and her boyfriend break up, im not sure but i notice after a facebook stalk at the start of 2017. this is around the time my manager starts to act more like himself and work feels more normal.

and this is when shit gets more obvious and more weird. 

there's a shift im on with the manager, emily and one of the boys we work with. one of our other managers is getting married and my boss recommended him his friend to be the photographer. so we're all talking about weddings and getting married and children. when we ask our manager about this, he acts flakey and says he doesnt want to get married. its left there but im in with the same people (excluding boss) and becky the next day and the conversation picks up - becky says she really wants to get married but doubts it will happen because she'll "probably fall in love with someone who doesn't want to get married".

my boss starts using his phone on the shopfloor, snapchatting and texting, it gets to the point that our area manager BANS him from using his phone. myself and other staff members notice that he's snapchatting becky a lot. emily tells us when she went on a night out with "the girls" (from the groupchat) becky wasn't off her phone, snapchatting him with "the girls" but then hiding her phone and texting him when she thought nobody was looking. obviously, her little clique seen nothing wrong with this, or blindly ignored it but by this point emily was sick of her shit. 

we win a staff night out. long story short, they go off together for ages. 

another time, she goes over to his house (that he shares with his girlfriend) with the shitty excuse that he was gonna fix her laptop, cos "he can fix them". 

i hear from the same supervisor that told me before about his relationship problems that his girlfriend was looking for jobs in another city without really consulting him. so things are pretty bad. 

emily (bless her) left the groupchat after too many bitching sessions. they start targeting this poor younger gal at work that becky decides to randomly argue with on facebook. they all claim they dislike her because "theres just something about her". i think the gal knows that becky despises her for no apparent reason and is sick of it so she blocks her. they dont really work together anyway, so idk, its a bit drastic but i suppose its fair. emily defends her and leaves. the next day at work, she shows us the whatsapp chat. 

becky screenshots a conversation between her and boss that has statements like "tbh i only hired her because she was hot" and him making a meme of her. its HORRIBLE. its so out of character and weird. and it seems even more fishy that becky is stirring it by showing a large chunk of the work group. personally i feel like becky knows exactly what shes doing, idk, i feel like shes took advantage of the pretty good nature of our sometimes unstable manager and make him like this. i have no idea, i could be biased cos i really like him - he could be using her as a bit on the side, taking advantage of the fact she always had a crush on him.

someone tells other management about the whatsapp, cause y'no... its sick. and emily shows the other managers the picture, and they call him up on it. he seems to be pretty apologetic about it but idk. becky sends emily passive aggressive texts about the whole thing saying she trusted her and whatever blah blah blah... i dont care. its a lot of shit.

someone at my work calls my manager on the way he is with becky and apparently just breaks down into tears and says he left his girlfriend last night and slept in his car. about a week later, someone else calls him out on it and he says he knows he's "been a dick" and kinda ignores the confrontation. i think hes back in his house now, no idea about his girlfriend.

beckys girl posse dont know anything about it, or claim not to, not even the two who shes closest to. i go to the same uni as one of them and one day we meet for lunch, it comes into conversation and she says "well its not any of my business" i try and remain neutral and say if they are doing anything its not fair on either of them and she says: "no its not fair on becky if he doesnt want to date her and only wants to fuck her", goes bright red and changes the subject. 

a few days later, emilys brother who works in a takeaway where becky lives sees both becky and our manager ordering (emilys brother comes into our work a lot - just before the "how did he know who they were" bullshit). he tells emily, and says to her just to say that he saw him, apparently he went bright red about this and quizzed emily on when this was (obv because he knew he was getting caught in this scandal) but she said she wasnt sure. 

so, this week, becky and my manager were caught coming to work together, when they live in complete opposite directions of eachother. i think someones reporting him and i think becky might be transferring to another store.

this is all confusing and a clusterfuck but it feels like something that would happen in a soap opera and its something that i thought i should share.

if there's any updates on either

- the clique being more bitchy

or

- manager/becky relations

i'll keep y'all posted!

[twasonceahuman]

aaaaansweeeeerrrr ttheeeeemmm aaalllll theeeeeennnn 8D

all 100...of course you would xD

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?- tried all 3 but Spotify won.

is your room messy or clean?- usually clean but right now it’s a dump, trying to get my life packed up- we’ll ignore that I have not even started

what color are your eyes?- hazel, but they appear brown because they are brown in the middle and green on the outside

do you like your name? why?- yes and no, only because everyone spells it wrong.

what is your relationship status?- errr. complicated xD

describe your personality in 3 words or less- introverted, odd, shy

what color hair do you have?- dark brown

what kind of car do you drive? color?- don’t drive

where do you shop?- Woolworths *the joke is that it’s a grocery store

how would you describe your style?- whatever fits over the tits

favorite social media account- TUMBLLLLLLRR BOIII

what size bed do you have?- king single

any siblings?- 1 older brother, 1 younger brother, 3 older stepbros, 1 younger stepbro, and 1 older stepsister

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?- probably England because at least shit happens there and it’s not hot.

favorite snapchat filter?- anything to hide my acne

favorite makeup brand(s)- probably maybelline but I don’t wear makeup much anymore, will probably get back into it going to school again

how many times a week do you shower?- 7 days

favorite tv show?- DAAS Kapital, South Park, Red Dwarf, Doctor Who, The Adventures of Lano and Woodley

shoe size?- fucking 11 mate- THAT’S THE BIGGEST SIZE OF WOMEN’S SHOES THEY MAKE!

how tall are you?- 170cm so 5ft 7

sandals or sneakers?- thongs mate

do you go to the gym?- HAAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHA

describe your dream date- doing something fun like going to an arcade or mini golf- as long as theres icecream involved :3

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?- 40 cents

what color socks are you wearing?- i fucking despise socks

how many pillows do you sleep with?- 3, two for the head and 1 for a cuddle buddy 

do you have a job? what do you do?- I did, I was a waitress

how many friends do you have?- maybe 3 or 4 online? irl- none xD

whats the worst thing you have ever done?- I accidently broke a girl’s wrist once by tackling her at touch football practise *fyi: you’re not supposed to tackle in touch football, you tag them xD

whats your favorite candle scent?- I don’t like candles, but anything vanilla would be okay I guess

3 favorite boy names- ain’t telling

3 favorite girl names- still ain’t telling

favorite actor?- Ewan McGregor yasssssssssssssss

favorite actress?- hmmm- this one is harder to figure out. Idk

who is your celebrity crush?- just one? Obvsly the DAAS boys, Matt and Trey, Tom Hiddleston was one for a while back, Danny JJ is still good but I’ve kinda moved on with RD for now. I’m not a normal 20yo cause I can’t think of someone I have ever had a crush on celebrity wise that was anywhere near my age- plus these are more like platonic crushes because of the huge age difference xD

favorite movie?- Ironically I just found out I follow a girl with the same fav movies which is fun- so that’s Moulin Rouge and Anastasia, but recently I’m loving Spin Out (Tim’s movie), Orgazmo, Cannibal the Musical and Baseketball ;D

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?- I did when I was younger before technology ruled the earth *pffff* but not so much now. Current faves are Housemeeting by Lano and Woodley and Carry A Big Stick by Tim Ferguson.

money or brains?- Brains 

do you have a nickname? what is it?- My family call me Beka but I hate it, but the only nickname I have besides that is Plum/Plummy and Kate calls me that :3

how many times have you been to the hospital?- I’m surprised I haven’t been besides when I had ‘digestive problems’ when I was a toddler. I’ll let you think whatever you want with that

top 10 favorite songs- Enjoy the Silence- Depeche Mode, Big Time- Peter Gabriel, My Weakness- Moby, Muchacho- Kings of Leon, Lemon- U2, Here She Come- DAAS, The Only Thing I Know- Gotye, Deep Surprise- Samantha James, Solsbury Hill- Peter Gabriel, and for the shits, Shatterproof- Trey Parker

do you take any medications daily?- the Pill OOOOOOO spoopy

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)- combination

what is your biggest fear?- heights, medical stuff and death

how many kids do you want?- maybe 2 or 3, that’s if I feel up to pooping them out.

whats your go to hair style?- straighten my fringe and brush my hair

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)- medium, but I’m moving into a share apartment with just a room and bathroom soon

who is your role model?- currently Tim, just a really nice dude and someone to look up too

what was the last compliment you received?- can’t remember

what was the last text you sent?- schit. “this whole scene is full of beautiful tim” I’M MAKING DAAS GIFS OKAY I GET SIDETRACKED XD

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?- probably about 9? maybe earlier?

what is your dream car?- idk I’ve never really looked at them, something on the smaller side though

opinion on smoking?- fucking disgusting

do you go to college?- nope, TAFE soon, but no uni.

what is your dream job?- concert film director, i’m coming for you Anton

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?- suburbs

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?- not really, sometimes the moisturizers cause they are good to have when travelling

do you have freckles?- yes, everywhere unfortunately

do you smile for pictures?- depends on how I feel

how many pictures do you have on your phone?- 471

have you ever peed in the woods?- this is Australia, if you don’t live in the city, everywhere is the woods.

do you still watch cartoons?- depends on what qualifies ;D

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?-      we don’t have wendy’s here, so maccas

Favorite dipping sauce?- sweet and sour

what do you wear to bed?- currently in summer its a shirt or singlet with shorts

have you ever won a spelling bee?- I won my class spelling bee once

what are your hobbies?- singing, dancing, drawing, making gifs (even if they are killing me rn)

can you draw?- not really but I give it a crack

do you play an instrument?- I used to play drums and trumpet for a while in school, but I can only really play notes on pianos now

what was the last concert you saw?- the DAAS Live show is the only thing I’ve come close to a concert- because CERTAIN bands and singers won’t come back to Australia T.T

tea or coffee?- tea but I wouldn’t mind coffee if it didn’t make me ansy anymore

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?- We don’t have either of these- there’s Starbucks in the cities but no DD.

do you want to get married?- yes but finding someone is the hard part

what is your crush’s first and last initial?- abcdefg...

are you going to change your last name when you get married?-yes

what color looks best on you?- I think maroon.

do you miss anyone right now?- Katerina D:

do you sleep with your door open or closed?- WHO SLEEPS WITH THEIR DOOR OPEN?!

do you believe in ghosts?- not really

what is your biggest pet peeve?- people dirtying places I’ve just cleaned.

last person you called?- my mum when she was babysitting my niece.

favorite ice cream flavor?- Mint Choc Chip :3

regular oreos or golden oreos?- I just had regular, and I haven’t tried golden

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?- Chocolate

what shirt are you wearing?- a plain greyish blue one

what is your phone background?- Paul sneaking behind Tim

are you outgoing or shy?- super shy

do you like it when people play with your hair?- yassssssssssss

do you like your neighbors?- no they are all old and like to do yard work or home improvements at godless times of day T.T

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?- whenever I shower, but I tone it every morning and night

have you ever been high?- definitely not

have you ever been drunk?- still dont drink so no

last thing you ate?- oreos xD

favorite lyrics right now- “You don’t turn me off, I will never fail. Things I loved before are not for sale. Keep yourself away, far away from me. I will forever stay your Perfect Enemy.”

summer or winter?- winterrrrrrrrr

day or night?- nighttttttttttttttttt

dark, milk, or white chocolate?- milkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

favorite month?- july

what is your zodiac sign- scorpio

who was the last person you cried in front of?- my dad

[dy1kjxxa-blog]

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[muchmoremarsh]

i think i gotta go back to counselling, just for a little bit

well i THOIGHT i could do it all on my own but i gotta remind myself that even though my mental health isn’t INSANELY bad that i will still have rough patches and it is a big change transitioning especially while i am an incredibly damaged person with a lot to carry on my shoulders and it’s taken me so long to finally be able to say that, plus the added fact i want to put myself out there and be a performer while simultaneously hating most aspects of myself and my body and feeling like i’m constantly in an on and off switch battle of “i love myself, i hate myself”

here i am, having a nearly-midnight-crisis over wanting to switch to musical theatre but also wanting to just complete this course in full and audition for drama school / university at the same time as everyone else as it’s what i’ve been planning for a long long time and my autistic ass self can’t bear the thought of just throwing myself in at the deep end again but i really really have a passion for MT....yet i know my voice is going to change and i don’t want to be an awkward Trans Guy who is training a breaking voice in college Or even worse, UNI!!!! so maybe to fill the void i am looking to try and join a local MT group or take at leat a dance class this summer BUT, yet again, as to not be a disappointment to my dad i really need a job but i’m just so unprepared for everything and not ready for adulthood right now and i have NO money and i’m supposed to be saving for driving lessons/insurance and I CARRY THE ENTIRETY OF MY FAMILIES EXPECTATIONS FOR ME AND I GOTTA SUCCEED OTHERWISE I FEEL EVERYONE EVEN ME IS DOOMED TO FAIL and i gotta inspire my siblings as to not seem like i am wasting my life!!!! i gotta redeem myself out of a hellhole bc i feel almost estranged from my mother in some ways but also really out of place in my stepfamily and i just feel to dysphoric and fat and disguasting to be taken seriously sometimes here and i am emotional problems up to HERE and i’m fed up of feeling inadequate and like a weirdo and like i’m TOO obviously autistic in some people’s eyes but then just a bit weird in others and i can never admit how much my disability affects me and i hate being trans in the performing arts world but we NEED more openly trans people in theatre, ESPECIALLY MT which is PART OF THE REASON I WANNA DO IT but THERES SO MUCH I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN and i need to control my meltdowns in class because this cannot continue to happen and i’m just fucking crowded with thoughts of the past and people who knew me and i am embarrassed of myself for being me, and i will constantly be feeling like i’m simultaneously 5 years younger + 10 years older than i am because my peers all have this ability to to CLICK whilst i i am too socially inept yet have this desperate need to be around other people for energy but i just end up acting or seeming like a cold,sarcastic or just awekeard asshole because i can’t COMMUNICATE!!! like you THINK i can do it well, but i’m just so SHIT with people!!!! i need to become better!!! but i don’t want to have to mask my autism anymore than i do because then people don’t believe me and it’s gonna be even harder to get diagnosed! additionally, i am just so tired of my friend being all like “but ur just weird” bc i am able to just be weird around her and she makes autism seem like such a bad or justva meme thing and i love her to bits but it’s so hard to explain how autism presents itself around different people ESP as someone who’s afab...and im fed up of having my symptoms dismissed. i just...GOD i just have so much onmy mind recently and i have so much work to catch up on and limes to learn and i have No FUCKIBG MONEY nor the capacity to keep a job rn and oh god i wish my dad would understand me more and i can’t bear to take money off my mother again or visit my grans old house bc she has just hoarded it with bullshit and me and my brothers relationship is non existed and oh god i worry about him to much he’s got a ton of shit going on too i know he does but he just stays on his computer all the time and i do often worry about his opinions of me but dammit i hope he knows i am there for him no matter what and i constantly worry about mum’s influence and how hard it is to be the poor kid at school who is likely also autistic or dyspraxic/ ADHD bc it’s very apparent...

i just have a lot of feelings and things going on. but good thing tungler exists to spew it out hey friends

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

this weeks freeform personal post lol

so im kinda getting estranged by my mother tbh like i was quite explicitly told that im making a “lifestyle choice i dont agree with” and that she “cant recognise me” (like, my face is a different shape but what she means is that im not like, rolling over and taking her abuse anymore) and i cant be like taking hormones and using a different name and expecting to be like, part of the family yknow. and like, her partner will just follow suit and ive already estranged my older sister lmao and like, highkey im not confident i’ll get into 3rd year and like, yknow. on a triangle of ‘disowned’ ‘trans’ and ‘drop out’ im pretty sure i can only handle two and like, v v highkey i want to just like, kill myself and avoid the whole thing and like, i’m v aware that, other than this one medically induced manic episode in march/april, ive had passive suicidal ideation for like, almost my entire life and ive never done anything about it. idk im v greatful for the valid people in my life rn, im v happy that ive got like, decent people i know irl and online that just kinda, make it seem like a temporary problem? and recently ive had a lot of experiences where ive been able to like, be good for someones life, esp w like, i run the trans forum at uni right, and we’ve had a couple moments where like, people’ve got to see like, other trans people in groups, and just be like ‘huh, we’re not freaks and perverts huh’ and its been good for them and i kinda just wanna keep living for those moments and all these rly cool moments i get to have w my friends and like, ive got a lot of good books im excited about rn, and ive got some money in the bank i dont want them to get, idk. ik a lot of people in my life get really tetchy when i talk about like, suicide after like, i actually tried, and thats fair but like, for the last idk more than 10 years its just been passive and ideative and thats sad but its also like, mostly benign and i dont want people to worry about me. i kinda think im too late to get a summer internship now i had two interviews and i failed one and i dont want to work in a care home all summer and i kinda want to piss off to glasgow and stay w finn and thats not an easy option but i think it’d be good for me like idk what work i could do in glasgow but i could do some shitty job right,i dont have to do internships now i guess, idk im really tetchy about experience and esp trying to get experience where a change of name isnt an issue. yknow, like job hunting is demeaning enough without revealing a priori youre tranny, idk like, i have a zero hours job in aberdeen but i wanna move out like, asap, like i cannot be here, its just v scary to be in an environment where youre like, actively hated. idk like she didnt harbour any particular hatred to trans people before this like she knew a trans person from my school and used his name and pronouns but idk, maybe i shouldve seen it coming after how tedious she was about me being a faggot like, idk she got over that after a couple months but she just, doesnt want to budge on this, like she sees me using my name and taking hormones and having trans friends as like, an actual insult to her raising me. shes just like I Picked Your Name, I Raised You A Boy, Therein You Will Be And Anything Else Is An Insult To Me As A MoThEr yknow like, god, its not a big deal yknow, you get 2 daughters or you get 3 idc what you do with that fact. and sure, i consider it entirely her problem that she hates trannies but like, being trans AND disowned AND a dropout is just like, too much for me i think like, theres no shame in that life to me but like, theres also no dignity. like theres no dignity anywhere but idk if i can do it yknow. also like, and i hate to like bring up sex work when talking about trans hardship bc it feels like a boogyman trans girls bring up to scare eachother but, idk if i can go back to that? i hate waiting outside and i need poppers for like, anal w people i dont trust (and sometimes w people i do) and like, theyre a v safe drug but too much can put pressure on the eye and im blind enough as it is. i had enough poppers one time that i went colourblind for a moment. that was fun. i was kinda drunk too. in the summer i kinda wanna deal with presentation like learning-to-pass as a skill but like, idk im not butch right but im also like a real person who goes outside lmao. like i cycle in the rain and garden and eat with my hands and im not going to be domesticated at any point tbqh. like im not sure i’ll ever pass in like, the next so many years without like, FFS and laser or smthn, but like, idk ik two things right (1) that im a bit of a feral tomboy and im comfortable in like, trews and shirts, getting dirty and building things so long as im not like, percieved as a man and (2) that i was traumatised for like, almost the entirety of my life for doing anything feminine right. like i got beat up in the engineering club at school a lot bc i wasnt like, masc enough to be in that space lol, or even if i didnt get beat up like, there was like, idk what you’d call it like preformative beating up? like unwarrented roughhousing? like pretending to kick someone but Just For The Banter Obviously, We Weren’t Trying To Intimidate The Faggot At All Sir. yknow. and like, obvi like the usual words and jokes we usually use to talk about fem men or men who arent masc enough or whatever. and like, trying to separate (1) from (2) yknow. like thats a task and a half. and like, esp recently where im like, not feeling like a pervert and an intruder 100% of the time w like, lesbian spaces. like obvi ik im not welcome by most there right, but like, idk ik a few lesbians who are like, idk at least on surface dont seem to consider me an outsider and i kinda, get to talk about the fact i like women without like, being seen as a man and a pervert and a rapist for it yknow. and thats been like, a bit of a moment for me. bc like, idk i like women and i kinda havent been thinking about that for a long time bc i dont want to be seen as a man and like, ik ive always liked women, i just like, didnt think that i could like, engage with other women who might like me, without like, having to Perform Man and all that implies and, idk yknow, its not like im having a sexual awakening or ive discovered a two way strap on lovehoney im just like, idk, not not-welcome sometimes for the first time in forever and that kinda means rethinking a few things about where i position myself etc. and thats largely fun now that im like, idk, i have more language-tools to do it than the last few times ive had to consider who-i-love-and-how yknow. and like, idk ive mostly been playing the same fiddle as i always have with like, having this gayboi dress sense and slang and idk, maybe it’d be fun to get a bit of a more lesbian of a haircut or smthn, but like, id have to do it in one of the gay barbers in glasgow bc i dont trust any barbers in aberdeen to not cut my hair Like A Man yknow also i havent been to my usual hairdressers in months bc im growing out the sides and idk what theyd say like i need my split ends done but i dont want them to go in and speak about my hair and my bikes and my ex lmao i used to go get haircuts w my ex and also i have v bad hair and ive recently decided im ok with it being curly so im just like, idk learning what to do with that tbh idk yeah, once whoevers in the kitchen leaves im gonna make a cheese toasty bc thats what ive been craving all day