#but there’s a difference b/t going ‘oh boy this friend’s character fits right into an archetype i REALLY like’ and realizing ‘oh shit i am

[earmo-imni]

Haha whoops a friend’s larp character has apparently become my new blorbo

[moonlit-jeno]

secrets | n.jm

genre/ warnings: vampire au, explicit sexual content, angst, way too much blood/ blood drinking, b i t i n g, character death (kind of), references to drugs, religion

word count: 9.5k

summary:

“I’m not scared.”

“No?” The sharp points of his fangs graze your skin and you swallow down your whimper, head falling back against the wall. You’re not scared of what Jaemin could do to you.

You’re scared of what you want him to do to you.

notes: big thanks to @jaemallow for pushing the jaemin agenda and helping to keep me sane

“Come on, we’re going to be late.” Mark grumbles at you, throwing an agitated glance over his shoulder. You roll your eyes and slow down even more just to spite him. “Dude, my dad’s going to kill me.” “He’ll be fine. Murder’s against the word of God, y’know.” You speed up despite your words, laughing at the way Mark glares at you. 

There’s a crack in the sidewalk that he trips over and you laugh good naturedly. The street leading up to the church is in less than optimal shape, littered with cracks in the sidewalk and missing chunks of cement. Mark’s dad had tried to raise money to fix the street, but it hasn’t happened yet.

Mark starts walking slower all of a sudden and you grumble, glaring at him when he grabs your wrist to yank you backwards. You’re about to ask what his problem is when you see the three figures at the end of the road, moving closer towards you two.

“You’re kidding me.” They hear it, they must, with their superhuman senses. It only makes them smile brighter. You glance at Mark. “Wanna turn around?”

“Too late.” Mark breathes, staring straight ahead of him with wide eyes. You look away from him to find the three vampires standing directly in front of you, blocking your way.

A groan leaves you and you cross your arms, raising your eyebrows expectantly. “Can we help you?”

The ringleader of the bunch, Jaemin, smiles. “Well, since you’re offering, I suppose I am feeling a little hungry.”

The church is only one block down but if they don’t want to let you pass, you’re not going to get there. Mark shifts nervously next to you, shaking his head when you open your mouth to make a remark. That doesn’t stop you from saying it. “You realize that just because you’re from the 1200’s doesn’t mean that you have to talk like you’re from the 1200’s.”

“I resent that.” Jaemin frowns, clutching his hands to his chest likes he’s been stabbed. “I was born in 1706. It’s almost like you don’t care about me at all.”

“Is it? Must be because I don’t.” The other two vampires are silent, though one of them- Jeno- watches with amusement. The other one is unfamiliar and looks like he’s trying to figure out to pair you with white or red wine. You shudder and turn your attention to Jeno. “Nice cross. I thought shit like that burned your skin? You know, because you’re a demon and all that.”

Jeno’s eyes smile with him and it’s hard to remember that he’s a monster. He brushes his thumb against the small mark under his eye, shrugging. “Nah, only the blessed ones. Or, y’know, the silver ones. But this one? I just wanted to piss off the church daddy who told me that I deserved to rot in worse places than the sewer.“

You snort before you can stop yourself. “Church daddy?”

He waves a dismissive hand. “Church daddy, father, same thing.” A pause. “Hey, Mark, isn’t that your dad?”

Mark avoids eye contact and nods. “Yeah, but I like, I don’t like, speak for him, y’know?” He laughs nervously.

“You don’t have to.” That’s the one you don’t recognize, glaring at Mark. “We can tell it’s what you’re thinking. You don’t even have the decency to look at us?”

“And who are you? Their vampire bitch or something?” You snap to Mark’s defense, not wanting the vampires to prey on Mark’s nerves.

The boy lunges like he’s going to attack you but Jeno grabs him by the neck. Jaemin laughs. “Careful princess, that hits a little too close to home for our little Renjun over here.” To clarify, he leans a little closer and lowers his voice. Not like it matters, the other two can hear him just fine. “Jeno got carried away while feeding the other day and turned him.”

Your eyes widen in surprise and this time you don’t have a witty comeback. Vampires are monsters, yes, but they have laws. And it is very, very illegal to turn a human. “That’s-”

“Against the law?” Jeno finishes. “Yeah. It was an accident though, plus he’s from out of town! So I can’t technically get in trouble.”

“Technically.” You mock, rolling your eyes. “Whatever, we’ve got places to be so if we could speed this conversation up?”

Jaemin pouts. “So soon? You’re already late for church, why even bother going?”

You stand your ground. “Good bye, Jaemin. Make sure you do a better job of training your new puppy.” Renjun snarls at you.

“What, like how you trained your puppy?” Jaemin nods over at Mark and the boys face turns red. “Bye, y/n, Mark. I’d ask you to say hello to God for me but he doesn’t exist!”

He walks off with that as a goodbye, Renjun and Jeno on his heels. Jeno at least has the decency to smile at you and tell you to have a good rest of your day.

They’re right about one thing: going to church when you‘re already late sucks. A few people glance back at you and Mark when you sneak in, sitting in the last row. You spot your parents sitting in the front row along with Mark’s brother. Luckily none of them notice you slipping in, so they won’t know just how late you were.

Mark seems on edge and you pat his knee, frowning at how violently he flinches. You raise an eyebrow, silently asking if he’s okay. He just gives you a tight smile. Mark’s always been a nervous kid, so you figure it has to do with the little vampire interaction you just had. Or fear that his dad will yell at him for being late. They’re both pretty scary.

It’s not until after the service that you talk to your parents- your mother taking the time to hug Mark and pinch his cheeks before she even looks at you- and your father asks where you were.

“It was my fault, sir.” Mark speaks up, knowing that your parents adore him and won’t be upset. “I couldn’t find my church clothes, I forgot that they were in the wash and had to sort through all of my laundry. Y/n was an angel and stayed with me to help.”

“Huh,” Your father says, looking Mark up and down. “Well, your shoes could use a good polishing, but you look sharp, kid. Good man.” He pats Mark’s shoulder and walks off to talk to a friend. Your mother raises an eyebrow and shrugs, loading you up with tasks to take care of when you get home.

Do the dishes, fold the laundry, remember to take the store bought pie out of the container and pop it onto a plate so that it looks homemade. “Oh, and one last thing.” She stops you, turning away from her conversation about her book club meeting with some lady that she can’t stand. “I don’t want you walking through the city. Those vampires are getting braver and braver, attacking in broad daylight.”

“Okay, I’ll take the long way.” You promise her. She nods, and satisfied that you won’t die, turns back to her friends. You say goodbye to Mark and a handful of other people- most of whom you don’t like- and head home.

You have absolutely no intention of taking the long way home. It adds an extra half an hour to your walk and you swear you always get attacked by bugs. Besides, vampires might be dangerous, but it’s not like you have a high chance of encountering one. The three you’d talked to earlier were harmless, two of them attending your same university.

Jeno did medical research, occasionally stepping in to teach if the professors needed help. He’s technically a doctor, but he finds ways to multitask. The benefits of being immortal, you suppose, is that you learn a lot, especially if you’ve been alive since the 1100’s. He was nice enough by himself, though he would never answer your questions about history. Not that he wouldn’t try, but the poor guy would just get so confused that he would end up rambling about a completely unrelated topic.

Jaemin was a little different. He took classes, though his goal was to learn about interesting topics and keep up with the culture, not to fit in like Edward Cullen and prey on teenage girls. For someone so old, he’s surprisingly good at the technology classes, learning how to use a camera faster than your much younger parents. Jaemin also holds tutoring sessions for struggling students, pretty much offering help for every subject. Sometimes he assists Jeno with his research, though he never says what they’re researching. It’s always the same vague answer: medicine.

You know them pretty well, and yet you wouldn’t say that you’re friends. Vampires and humans coexist, but it’s not always that peaceful. There’s a definite divide between the two, a definite feeling of “we’re better than them” coming from both sides. And you can see why that divide is there, you can understand why.

After all, it’s not like you’re too fond of vampires yourself.

Cursed to hell, is a phrase used too often by your parents, by the church. God’s reject’s is another. And when you look at them, it’s hard to disagree with those statements.

They don’t burn in the sun but they can’t touch silver, can’t say God’s name, can’t enter a building without explicit permission. They catch on fire when they enter holy places (they’re fine to enter the one across town, but that’s another story).

Similar insults are used to describe humans. “How can you call us God’s rejects when you die so easily?” One vampire had countered when you were in middle school, pointing out that vampires couldn’t get diseases or die of natural causes like a human. He’d called you weak. You’d thrown a cross at him. Both of you had been suspended.

Still, you don’t hate vampires. And you especially can’t hate vampires now, not when you’re failing your chemistry class and your only option for help is Na Jaemin.

Mark has a different opinion. “Y/n, you can’t go to his house! He’ll kill you!”

You laugh. “Mark, come on. It’s either he kills me, or my parents kill me when they find out I wasted my tuition on a class I failed. It’ll be fine.” He still looks unhappy. You wiggle your fingers at him. “Look! I have silver rings on. I’m wearing my cross. I’ll be fine.”

“I’m not going to be the one telling your parents you were killed by a vampire, y/n.” He sounds dead serious and you raise your eyebrows. 

“Mark, I’m helping with a research project. I’m not deciding to work for the food bank.” You point out. “This is the only way I can make up my grade, Mark. It’s generous of my professor to even let me do this.” He sighs, knowing there’s no arguing with you, and pulls his necklace off. Walking closer, he drapes the silver cross over your head. “Fine. Just, please be careful.” You smile and pat his cheek, tucking the charm under the collar of your shirt. “I always am.”

Jaemin lives in a pretty nice house on the top of the hill, which sucks because your calves are burning by the time you get up there. It has a pretty view, though, and it’s a decent distance away from his closest neighbor. You always joke that he could kill someone up here. Going up alone, that joke doesn’t seem as funny.

He’s got an old fashioned knocker on the wooden door that you only use because you’re not too fond of digging splinters out of your hands. It makes a pretty solid sound, and it barely takes five seconds before Jaemin answers the door. He looks good, wearing a dark blue button up with his hair pushed off of his forehead. Almost like he put some effort in. He obviously catches you giving him a once over and he grins.

“Eager to see me?” You tease, stepping past him into his house. He laughs, rolling his eyes.

“Oh, of course. The world revolves around you, I just had to get a glimpse.” Jaemin drawls. 

“Alright, what’s the research project?” You ask, wanting to get straight to the point. “I’m only here because I need to pass my class, Jaemin.

He takes his time flipping through a book on his coffee table before glancing up at you, rolling his sleeves up to his forearms. “The effects of vampire blood in humans.”

Your eyebrows skyrocket. “If you say that you’re making me drink your blood, we’re going to have a problem.”

“Fucking hell, y/n. I know you humans have a problem with vampires, but I’m a researcher. I do research, and I do it just as responsibly and professionally as human researchers.” Jaemin snaps, and it’s probably the first time you’ve ever heard him not use a flirting or teasing tone. “And besides, we already know what that would do. It would only turn you.” You swallow thickly at the thought of being turned. “Then what do you need me here for?” “We just need a few of your cells and a tiny blood sample.” Jaemin says, moving to where you stand next to the counter. “We’re researching if vampire blood has an effect on strengthening human cells, or preventing undesirable circumstances that affect humans. You know, aging, disease, the like.” He hands you some paperwork and you glance over it briefly. There’s nothing about him draining you dry of blood, so you sign it. “Great. We won’t be taking the samples today considering we’re at my house, but I’ll walk you through the basics of what we’re doing. You know, assuming that you’re smart enough to understand it.” “I’m not fucking dumb, Jaemin.” You snap, glaring at him.

“No, of course not.” He sympathises, smiling down at you. “Just a little slow. Come on y/n, you’re failing one of the easiest courses at the university. You’re not exactly smart.”

You shove the papers over to Jaemin, purposely letting your silver rings graze his exposed skin. Jaemin flinches back from your touch, a sharp hiss leaving him as he grabs at his wrist. He glares at you. “You fucking serious?”

It’s mean, but what he said wasn’t exactly nice. You meet his gaze head on, eyebrow arched. “What’s the matter, leech? Can’t take the heat?” He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes to ground himself. It’s probably not smart to goad him, but that’s exactly what you do. “Aww, don’t ignore me, leech. It’s rude. Didn’t your parents ever teach you any manners?”

All the air in your body leaves you with a whoosh as Jaemin pins you up against the wall, wrists held over your head by one of his hands. A dull pain radiates through your body and you’re sure you’ll have bruises on your back from the impact, not that Jaemin seems to care. The boy stares down at you with dark eyes, standing way too close for comfort. 

“My parents died 300 years ago.” Jaemin snarls. “But yours are still alive. Didn’t they teach you to respect your elders?”

“You’re not older than me.” The words are intended to be fierce, defiant. They come out shaky, timid. “You’re a dead man, Jaemin.”

That makes him laugh, though you don’t think he’s found your words funny. “Yeah? Do I seem dead to you?” He tightens his grip on your wrist and uses his free hand to tilt your chin up, make you look him in the eyes. “I can feel your heartbeat, little girl. You’re scared.”

“I’m not scared.” You are. He knows that.

“No?” He raises his eyebrows, cocking his head to the side before dipping down, letting his mouth hover over your neck. “Not even now?”

You shake your head, swallowing down a whimper. He’s right about your heartbeat, it’s fluttering so frantically that you can hear it in your ears, feel it under your skin. You’re scared, but not for the reasons he thinks you are.

Jaemin smiles at you, fangs on full display, and moves even closer to your neck. The sharp points of his fangs graze your skin and you swallow down your whimper, head falling back against the wall. You’re not scared of what Jaemin could do to you.

You’re scared of what you want him to do to you.

He scrapes his fangs along your neck, an action that’s painful in the most pleasurable way, but doesn’t break the skin. His tongue darts out instead, soothing over the pain before his lips press to your skin in an open mouthed kiss. Your fingers flex above your head and you ache to touch him, to fist your hand in his soft hair and pull him closer.

A moan leaves you and he pulls away, pressing his thumb to the area. Jaemin can feel your pulse from there and he smirks at how frantically your heart beats.

“You’re not scared?” Jaemin asks, the question condescending. He doesn’t believe you. “You do realize that I could sink my fangs into your pretty little neck and drain you dry, right?”

The mention of him biting you drags a keen out of your throat, and you find yourself whimpering out a “please” before you can help yourself. It has Jaemin pausing, eyes roaming over you as he reassesses the situation.

“Oh, you really aren’t scared.” Jaemin smirks. “Who knew that you were so fucking filthy?” He doesn’t wait for a response, dipping his head down and trailing the tip of his tongue up your throat. It feels nice, so, so nice, but it’s interrupted by a burning pain, a sob ripping from you at the intensity of it.

You thrash against his hold, but then the pain starts to get replaced with a pleasure unlike anything you’ve ever felt, and you slowly melt into his touch, arching against him to expose more of your throat.

Jaemin pulls away eventually, licking over your wound a few times before pulling back to give you a bloody grin. “Feels good, yeah?” You nod, and the bliss must be apparent on your face because Jaemin chuckles darkly before leaning back in. “You want more, don’t you?”

“Yeah, want it.” The words are breathless and slur together, your body thrumming with heat, begging for more. Jaemin does the opposite of what you want and steps away.

“Be a good girl and take those fucking rings off, then.” Jaemin commands, and you swear you’ve never moved faster than you’re moving now, carelessly dropping your jewelry to the floor. Mark’s necklace lands near his foot and he scowls at it, crushing the piece of metal beneath the heel of his shoe.

You immediately grab for him when you’re done, but Jaemin doesn’t let you pull him forward. He just scoops you up into his arms, carrying you to the sofa. You end up straddling his lap, his back pressing into the couch, and he wastes no time before sinking his fangs back into your neck.

“God,” You breathe out, winding your arms around his neck, pulling his head closer to you. “F-fuck, Jaem, that feels so good.”

He just hums against your throat, continuing to suck and lick at the wound. There’s a little bit of blood on his lips when he pulls away and you wipe at it with your thumb before letting the digit slip past his lips. He sucks on it slowly, gazing up at you with dark eyes, and lets his fangs graze the skin. Arousal jolts through you and you whimper, pulling your hand away and dragging him back to your neck.

“Baby wants more?” Jaemin teases, not waiting for an answer before sinking his fangs into you, this spot even more sensitive than the last. You whine loudly, tugging at his hair and feeling your eyes roll back in your head at the euphoria spreading through your body. Your head feels fuzzy and there’s so much heat coursing through you that you can barely function.

“Mhmm, yeah.” You pant out. “Want more. Oh my God Jaemin, I’m so fucking wet.”

Jaemin groans at your words, one of his hands sliding up your thigh before moving inwards, cupping your pussy over your clothes. He pulls his hand away when you try to grind down, grabbing onto your hip to stop your movements.

“No.” He growls, the simple word vibrating through your entire body and making you shake. “You come from this, nothing else.”

Tears slip down your cheeks as you hold onto him for dear life, your core clenching desperately around nothing. You hug him tighter, letting your head fall back on your shoulders to expose more of your throat, your lips parted to let Jaemin drag sound after sound of pleasure out of you. It feels good, way too good considering the action, and you lose yourself to the feeling.

The collar of your shirt is tugged down and then Jaemin’s lips are attaching to the top of your breast, fangs sinking into the delicate flesh. You keen and shove your chest further into his face, not knowing what else to do besides hold onto him for dear life. Your body feels heavy but your head feels light and it’s such a startling contrast to the euphoria coursing through your veins that it makes you dizzy. It’s hard to see straight, let alone think straight, and your pussy throbs with every little bit of blood that Jaemin takes from your body. Your hips rock against nothing but air, desperately searching for some sort of friction, something to fill your needy cunt, but you can’t find anything and it has you sobbing out in frustration.

More bite marks are left, more electricity shoots through your body, more wetness drips out of your pussy. You swear you’ve never felt this good in your life, and that’s only confirmed when Jaemin seals his lips over the first mark he left, licking and sucking at the wound until it opens all over again and you feel yourself falling, white flashing behind your eyes as the most intense orgasm of your life crashes over you. You grab at Jaemin as tightly as you can, screaming his name and babbling incoherently as he drags out your pleasure, lets you get high off all of his kisses and bites.

It lasts forever, and it takes even longer for you to come down to yourself, Jaemin stroking your hair and your back. You open your eyes to find him already looking at you, his face clean and dry of any blood. It takes you a while to notice that there’s an ice pack on your neck and a plate of food on the table in front of you, and you vaguely wonder how long you were out for if Jaemin had time to do all of this for you.

“Don’t move too fast, baby.” Jaemin cautions, noticing you struggling to sit up. “I took way more blood than I meant to, you’re gonna feel a little weak.” “A little?” Your muscles feel like jelly when you try to push yourself off of him and you collapse back onto Jaemin’s chest with a soft groan. Jaemin huffs a laugh and helps you sit up, turning you around on his lap so that your back is to his chest. He drops a soft kiss to your ear and your eyelids flutter. 

“Here, take these.” Pills are dropped into your hand, a bottle of some energy drink you don’t recognize. “It’ll replace all the nutrients and stuff you lost.” Jaemin watches you down the drink in one go, tossing it across the room when you hand the empty bottle back to him. “How are you feeling?”

Your vision is much clearer than it was, though you still feel lethargic and would like to do nothing except lay down in a soft bed for the rest of your life. “My head hurts.” Jaemin hums. “Okay. I would rattle off some instructions for you to follow but I know it’ll just make your headache worse. I’ll write them down for you instead, how’s that.” “You’re so self aware.” Reality hits you when you feel the bruises on your throat, on your chest, and realize that yes, all of that did just happen. “Um. I didn’t know it could feel that-” You trail off, hand waving vaguely in the air. “Good?” Jaemin offers, laughing when you nod. “Mhmm, did they not tell you about that? I’m sure they make it sound like being bitten by a vampire is the worst thing imaginable at that fancy church you go to.” You look away, embarrassed, and Jaemin laughs. “You know that humans make drugs out of our saliva, right? That’s why there are hunters.” Your eyes shoot open in alarm. “Really? That’s awful.”

 Jaemin hums, nodding. “Yeah, well, when it’s profitable...” He laughs bitterly. “Anyways, it’s an expensive drug. And you just got that shit for free.”

“I feel so honored.” You laugh, snuggling into him. He pushes you back. 

“Y/n, I need you to understand something.” Jaemin says, tone suddenly serious. His eyes burn straight into your soul. “That was a mistake. I’m not- we can’t do that again.”

It shouldn’t hurt you. What you just did is considered shameful by many, you should be relieved that he’s telling you it can’t happen again. You shouldn’t want to spend more time with a vampire. “Oh. Yeah, yeah of course.” You nod, looking away from his intense gaze to blink back your tears. “Yeah, we just got carried away.” Jaemin looks like he wants to say something else, lips parting for a second before shaking his head, offering a tight smile instead. “We got everything done that we needed to get done. You should rest now.” 

He doesn’t mean now as in right this second, which he made especially clear after telling you that it was a mistake, but you can’t help it. You’re asleep in seconds.

When you wake up for the second time, Jaemin is nowhere to be found. You’re in your own bed, tucked in nice and neatly, and you smile as you realize it meant that the vampire had carried you home. There’s the list of instructions that he’d promised you on your nightstand, signed with nearly illegible hand-writing. Your smile grows before promptly dropping off. Vampires can’t get into a house without being invited. You’ve never invited him in, which means that he must’ve either asked permission from Mark or your parents. Neither is good.

The gravity of the situation hits you when Mark walks into your room, jaw set, arms crossed. He blanches when he sees your neck, the sight clearly making him uncomfortable. “Holy- y/n, I told you that you couldn’t trust Jaemin. You’re lucky I was here when you brought you home because I can guarantee your parents would react way worse than me.”

“Jaemin was fine. He didn’t do anything I didn’t want him to.” You see the exact moment that those words process in Mark’s mind, his face going from worried to angry.

“You let him drink from you? What were you thinking? Y/n, you look like you got mauled.” Mark sounds disgusted and you try not to shrink into yourself.

The bruises ache when you press over one of them and an overwhelming sense of embarrassment washes over you at how it makes you shiver. “Relax, it’s not like I let him turn me. We just got caught up in the heat of the moment. Mark, it felt so good.” Your eyelids flutter shut at the memory, snapping back open when Mark scoffs.

“So what? You want to be their blood bag now?” Mark’s voice rises in pitch as he yells and the sound grates on your nerves. “Wanna be a vampire whore for the rest of your life? Live in a dusty ass attic and let whoever walks by have a go at you?” “Mark, what- do you hear yourself? What the fuck is your problem?” Mark’s been your best friend since you were five. Never, never, have you heard him talk like this. It hurts.

“Do I hear myself? Y/n, I should be the one asking you that. Here you are, creaming yourself while talking about letting some fucking, some bloodsucker tear your throat open! It’s disgusting.” Mark scoffs, shaking his head. “You’re just as bad as Do-” He cuts himself off suddenly, but you know what he was about to say. “Just as bad as who? Donghyuck?” You shake your head, feeling hot tears prick at the back of your eyes. “It must run in the family to become filthy disappointments, then.”

Mark’s eyes soften and he grabs your wrist, rubbing circles into your skin with his thumb. “It’s not too late for you. Let’s go to the church, you can pray for forgiveness.”

You feel numb when you nod, letting Mark wrap a scarf around your neck and lead you down the road. He sits next to you in the pews, rubbing your shoulder while you rest your forehead on your hands, pretending to pray. But you can’t focus, can’t stop thinking about your brother.

Donghyuck was Mark’s best friend before you were. The three of you would hang out a lot, though you only joined the two because as Donghyuck’s younger sister, he felt obligated to include you. The two boys were inseparable, and then one day, they weren’t.

Your parents say that he was tainted by the devil. Mark’s father says that he betrayed God. You think Donghyuck simply fell in love. And love is a beautiful thing, but not when it’s between a vampire and a human. Your brother was forced to choose between his family and his love.

In the end, he chose love. 

That night, you toss and turn in bed, unable to stop thinking about your brother. If he’s alive, if he’s a vampire. If he’s dead. What you would do in his situation. Not that it matters, because you wouldn’t fall in love with a vampire, but you can’t help but wonder. Is it really that bad? They were once human, too. 

The thought doesn’t leave your mind even when you go to the lab, meeting an uncharacteristically quiet Jaemin, and a very excited looking Jeno. “Y/n! Thank you so much for doing this!” “Yeah, well, gotta pass my classes somehow.” You laugh. Jaemin doesn’t meet your eyes when you look at him, keeping his gaze just a little too low and frowning. 

“Seriously though, this is great. I’ve been trying to get permission for this experiment for ages, the fact that the administration finally caved is insane.” Jeno says, turning to ruffle through some papers on the desk. You shoot a curious glance at Jaemin, finally realizing that he’s staring at your neck. Or well, your covered neck. He’s trying to see the marks. With a glance towards Jeno, you carefully slide the fabric of your turtle neck down, laughing silently at how Jaemin inhales sharply, lips parting slightly. You yank it back up when Jeno turns around. “Jaemin informed you of the experiment, correct?” You shoot Jaemin a look. “Yeah! You just need to take a couple of blood samples, right?” Jeno shakes his head, tilting his head at Jaemin. “Not exactly. We’re going to need you to take microdoses of vampire blood.”

It takes a moment to register. “You want me to drink vampire blood?” You screech, eyes bulging. “That’s going to turn me!” Jeno shakes his head, laughing. “With the amount we’re giving you? No. It’ll only turn you if a vampire drinks your blood, and you die. You’ll be fine.” Next to you, Jaemin stiffens. You bite your lip. “Um. Like at the same time, or?” “It doesn’t have to be at the exact same time. If you’ve been bitten before, you can’t drink any blood or you’ll be turned. But again, that’s only if you die.” Jeno tilts his head. “Have you been bitten before?” “Jeno.” Jaemin draws his attention away before you can respond. “It’s just a microdose, right? Like, barely enough to have an effect?” He considers this. “Well, I mean, not enough to have negative effects.” 

You and Jaemin share a long look. Jaemin had drunk your blood not even a week earlier. It's dangerous. But it’s a small amount. Jeno said there wouldn’t be any negative effects. And you can’t fail this class. You send Jaemin a pleading look. Jaemin swallows thickly and looks back to Jeno.

“She’ll be fine?” Jaemin’s voice is shaky. 

Jeno nods. “Caring for a human? That’s odd, coming from you. But yeah, she’ll be fine.”

You exhale heavily. “I’ll do it.”

There are more papers to be signed, more blood to be drawn. Though this time Jeno takes it in a much more professional manner, drawing it out and putting it into a test tube. Next to you, Jaemin squeezes his eyes shut and you watch his jaw clench. You want to tease him but you can’t, not in front of Jeno.

Despite Jeno’s reassurances, the worry doesn’t leave you. He doesn’t know what you and Jaemin did, doesn’t know that you’ve been bitten by a vampire. And maybe it doesn’t matter- it’s not like you’re going to die or anything, which is what needs to happen for you to turn- but you need some sort of comfort. 

That’s how you end up bailing on your Friday night dinner with Mark’s family, saying that you need to finish a project that’s due that night. Your parents roll their eyes and scold you for not taking your studies seriously, but let you skip the dinner. Mark shakes his head at you, disapproving of you working with a vampire, but keeps his mouth shut. 

If Jaemin’s surprised when you show up at his door, he doesn’t show it. He just smirks at you, leaning against the door frame. “Hey blood bag.” You scoff and shove past him into the house, dropping down onto the sofa you sat on last time. “When did you start calling me that, leech?���

“When you let me drink from you.” Jaemin says plainly, sitting next to you. “Is there a reason you’re here? I mean, I know I’m irresistible, but-” “But we didn’t tell Jeno you drank from me.” You interrupt. “We need to tell him. He’s been waiting forever for this, he’ll be devastated if we ruin it.”

Jaemin nods, considering it. “Y/n, you know you’ll get kicked off the project if we tell him, right?” You nod, biting your lip. “Look, Jeno’s been my best friend for hundreds of years. I hate keeping this from him more than you do.” “Then why are you?” It doesn’t make sense. You’re certainly not friends, or at least you weren’t before last week. 

He doesn’t answer. His eyes are dark and it looks like there’s a war raging behind them, but he doesn’t elaborate on what’s bothering him. The sharp points of his teeth dig into his bottom lip as he bites it nervously, blood beading at the cut when he finally looks back at you.

You don’t think when you bring your thumb up to swipe at his lower lip, skin coming away red. Jaemin watches in fascination as you bring the digit up to your own mouth, sliding it past your lips, sucking the blood away. He swallows thickly.

“Does it feel as good for you as it does for me?” You ask, glancing from his lips to his face. He shakes his head gently.

“It feels good for you because of our saliva.” Jaemin explains. “But it doesn’t feel bad when you do it, it’s just-” He makes a vague gesture with his hand as if trying to pull the words out of thin air. “It’s very intimate.”

He licks his lips, then, digs his teeth back into his bottom lip. It’s a subconscious movement but you still lean in to press a kiss over where the blood pricks up, nipping just hard enough to have a growl rumbling in Jaemin’s chest before soothing the wound with your tongue. You pull away and smile, licking the blood off of your lips. 

You don’t even have time to make a witty remark over how affected Jaemin looks because he’s pulling you onto his lap, crashing your lips together with enough force that you’re sure they’ll bruise. It draws a moan from you and Jaemin eagerly drinks it in, fisting his hand in your hair and deepening the kiss. 

A gasp leaves you when he pulls away, trails his lips down your throat. You tense in anticipation, a whine getting trapped in your throat when his fangs just barely scrape the skin. He leaves a wet kiss there, pulling away to look up at you. “Want me to bite you, baby?”

“God, yeah.” You moan out, tilting your head to expose more of your neck. 

“Ah, I’d rather you didn’t say that name in my house.” Jaemin laughs. He moves back to your throat, digging his fangs into the spot he’d marked. There’s less pain this time, pleasure coursing through you almost instantly. You whine and tighten your grip on his hair.

Electricity runs through your veins as Jaemin takes what he wants, marking up your body. You breathe out something along the lines of “want more” and Jaemin takes it to heart, scooping you up and carrying you to his room in record time. He tosses you onto the mattress, crawling over you not even a second later to press his lips to yours. 

He fits himself easily between your legs, rocking his hips down in a rare show of desperation. You can feel exactly how affected he is, his hardness pressing deliciously against your core. Another plea of “more” is whispered against his lips and he doesn’t need any more encouragement, pulling away to move further down your body. He kisses and nips his way down your torso, pushing your shirt up to reveal more skin to him, dropping kiss after kiss to the sensitive skin just above the waistband of your pants. Your core throbs at the feeling of having him so close to you and you squirm, trying to spread your legs more, trying to articulate that you need something, anything. 

“J-Jaemin, take them off.” You whine, pushing at the waistband. “I need you.”

The coldness of his hands brushing against your skin when he drags your pants down has you shivering, squirming. He tosses your clothing to the floor and wastes no time attaching his lips to the inside of your thigh, holding you down when you squirm. 

“Is this okay?” Jaemin asks, concern mixing with his arousal. He brushes his index finger over your pussy, making your back arch in an effort to get him closer to where you need him. 

“More than.” Despite your assurances, Jaemin doesn’t touch you. He moves his hand up to your abdomen, flattening his palm to keep you pinned down. You whine in annoyance, but the teeth dragging over your inner thigh has you shutting up. A gasp leaves you before he even sinks his fangs in, your pussy absolutely throbbing with need. He presses another gentle kiss to the skin and, raising his gaze to make eye contact with you, bites you.

It’s more intense than when he bit your neck or your chest. It sets your body on fire in the best of ways, leaves you writhing under his touch. Your eyes roll in your head and your hands flail in an effort to grab something, anything to ground yourself. It’s amazing, and just when you think you’ve reached heaven, he touches you.

You’re soaking wet and Jaemin’s fingers slide into you effortlessly, fill you up so well. It’s too much effort to keep your eyes open and so you let them drift shut, let yourself fall into the bliss. There’s pressure against your lips and you open your eyes to find Jaemin hovering over you, sliding two fingers past your lips. You didn’t even realize he’d stopped biting you.

“Suck.” He commands, and who are you to disobey? You wrap your lips around the digits and hum at the taste of yourself, at the weight of them in your mouth. “Taste good, baby?” “Mhmm, yeah.” Your words are slurred around the digits and you suck even harder around them, letting your tongue trace patterns around them. Jaemin swears softly and grinds down against your thigh. 

He presses one more kiss to your lips before sliding down your body. “My turn to taste.”

Maybe there should be some sort of alarm going through your system when Jaemin lowers his mouth to your core. Some sort of reminder that he has some very sharp fangs, that he has just bit you in multiple places, and that his fangs are right in the place that fangs should never be. But it feels heavenly when he licks a stripe between your folds, when he fucks his tongue into your hole. His hands keep you pinned to the mattress, super strength coming in handy to control your squirming. 

The pleasure consumes you and it’s so much, too much, and your eyes want to squeeze shut but Jaemin looks up at you and his gaze is magnetic, making it impossible to look away from him. Your body’s on fire, burning brighter with every flick of his tongue, every moan he lets out into your core. He pulls away to drop his head to the apex of your thigh, digging his fangs into the delicate skin there, and you can’t fight the scream that rips from your throat. You’re babbling, chanting incoherent words as you try to explain how good it feels, how you never want him to stop. His hair is soft in your grip and it’s the only thing keeping you anchored, the only thing preventing you from drowning in pleasure. 

“You taste so good, baby.” Jaemin moans, pulling away momentarily to make a show of licking his lips. “Everything about you is so delicious.” He returns to your core, lapping at your hole before flicking his tongue over your clit, laughing at how your body jolts. There’s nothing but hunger in his eyes as he sucks your clit between his lips, fucking two fingers into your needy cunt. He does it again, hitting all of your sensitive spots, making you scream with bliss as you finally tip over the edge. 

Wave after wave of euphoria crash into you and your lungs burn as your gasp for air. You’re drowning in the best way possible, surrounded by nothing but pleasure and Jaemin, Jaemin, Jaemin.

He works you through it with gentle flicks of his tongue, hands smoothing over your thighs to bring you back down. You manage to find enough strength to shove at his head when it gets to be too much, tiredly sinking into the mattress when he pulls away. Jaemin wipes at his mouth and bends down to kiss you lazily, nipping at your lip just to hear you whine. He smooths your hair down and brushes a few strands out of your face, smiling down at how fucked out you are. And you’d be content to lay wrapped in his arms, with Jaemin cooing softly at how pretty you are and petting your head, but you can feel how hard he is.

“Jaemin,” You murmur, shifting in his hold. “Jaem, wanna make you feel good.” “It’s alright, you don’t h- oh, shit baby- you don’t have to.” He has to fight to get the words out, a groan interrupting his sentence when you grab at his cock. You pout at him and manage to tug his pants down just enough for you to pull him out. 

“But I want to.” You smile, leaning up for a kiss. Jaemin doesn’t bother replying, just presses his lips back to yours and melts into your touch. The way you jerk him off is lazy, your energy drained from how intense your orgasm was. Though with the way Jaemin groans against your lips and tightens his grip on your hip, you don’t think that he minds.

He moans your name when he comes, a beautiful sound that has your stomach twisting with heat. White spills over your knuckles and onto his stomach and you bring your hand up to your mouth, licking at it curiously. Jaemin watches you with heavy lids before collapsing onto the mattress. 

“Fuck,” He sighs, eyelids drifting shut. “Why’re you so good to me?” “Why are you so good to me?” You mumble back in response, curling up into him. “Thanks for not biting my pussy.” Something  about that sets Jaemin off and his body shakes with the laughter running through him. A giggle leaves you. “What?” Jaemin shakes his head, still laughing. “Nothing. Come on, gotta get you some food.” 

And that’s how it goes. You and Jaemin continue to hook up, although he does end up saying ‘fuck it’ and attempting to actually teach you chemistry. Despite Mark’s fears, he doesn’t end up killing you. He’s a lot of fun to be around, plus he keeps his pantry stocked with various snacks. Sometimes he even cooks for you, if he’s feeling nice.

“What’s a vampire doing with all this food?” You ask one day, watching him make fried rice. He doesn’t respond, just staring down at the pan and offering you a shrug, though you swear you see him blush. 

Your professor raises your grade to a C. It’s not stellar but it also isn’t failing, which you will happily take. There’s only a little bit of guilt when she beams at you while telling you how happy Jeno is with your dedication to the project. 

Jeno continues to take blood samples, and you continue to not tell him that you’ve been bitten. It eats you up inside, but Jaemin’s always there to reassure you. Whether he’s trying to comfort you or himself more is up for debate.

Everything stays the same except for Mark.

He gets more distant, grows a little more resentful. There’s no smiles or teasing jokes, except for the polite ones he flashes in front of your parents. He starts to make up lies, too, which is something you promised to never do. Excuses to get him out of plans, saying there’s nothing wrong. And your best friend, the most timid, nicest boy you’ve ever met, begins to pick petty fights with you.

You’re over it, and it bothers you even if you try not to let it show. Jaemin rubs your back and tells you it’ll be okay, but you know it won’t. Because Jaemin’s the reason that Mark’s distant. And you have no plans to stop seeing him.

Talking to Jaemin, you’re sure Mark would have liked him if the circumstances were different. If Mark didn’t hate vampires so much, or if Jaemin were just a regular human college student like you. But those aren’t the circumstances, and so you have to deal with Mark’s whiny ass showing up at your door to drag you to church.

“Mark, it’s Thursday night.” You groan, shaking your textbook at him. “I have work to do!” 

“Yeah, you also have praying to do.” Mark snaps, grabbing the book out of your hands. “Not like you even understand this.”

Which, ouch, that kind of hurts. Especially when Mark knows that you’re frustrated that you can’t get the subject down even though you try. You glare at him and reach for the book. “Mark, give it back. And I actually do understand this, Jaemin’s been helping-” “Helping what? Taint you? Turn you into one of their blood whores?” Mark grabs the book back and throws it across the room. “Y/n, come on. I’m not letting this happen to you too.” He pulls you after him despite your grumbling, though he at least has the decency to let you put shoes on. Just because you go freely doesn’t mean you’re happy about it, complaining as Mark drags you through the city. “Jesus Christ Mark, has it ever occurred to you that Donghyuck had free will? That he willingly chose to be with her because he loved her?” You’re fed up with Mark, fed up with everyone. “God Mark, they’re not that bad!” Mark stares at you for a moment. “What, they’re brainwashing you too? How is it that both you and your brother are so dumb? I know you weren’t raised like this.”

“Well at least I wasn’t raised to be such an ignorant asshole.” You snap. “I have the ability to make my own decisions, something you apparently lack.” “Oh, so what’s that supposed to mean?” Mark stops walking suddenly, crossing his arms as he waits for an answer. You open your mouth to yell at him when a flash of movement catches your eyes. Squinting, you make out a group of guys, and they’re close enough that you can hear them laughing when one of them wipes… is that blood on his mouth? “Mark, we have to go.” You whisper. The vampires don’t see you and you’re hoping that you can get the two of you out of there safely. “Come on-” “No, tell me what you mean!” Mark yells, stubbornly standing in place. You groan and try to drag him away but he doesn’t budge. “Come on y/n, tell me what you fucking mean.” You shoot a worried glance over your shoulder, surprised when you don’t see the vampires. There’s a second of relief, lasting only until you turn around to find them standing right behind Mark. You squeak in surprise. Mark freezes too, one of the men having grabbed him by the shoulders. His face presses way too close to Mark’s neck and you jump when you feel hands on your own shoulders.

“Aww, lover’s spat?” The guy holding Mark laughs. “That’s okay, we’ve all been there, right guys?” The rest of his friends cackle in the creepiest way that you can imagine. “Come on, we can resolve this.” You and Mark look back and forth between each other worriedly. There’s no way out of this, you realize. No way to even try. 

“Don’t you wanna know how we can resolve this?” This time the guy holding you speaks and it’s so close to your ear that you flinch, nearly jumping out of your skin. He laughs and his fangs graze your skin, but it doesn’t send pleasure through you like when Jaemin does it. It sends chills down your spine, makes you want to cry. “Answer me.” “N-no.” You stutter out, eyes squeezed shut in fear. “Please, just let us go.” The guy sighs and lets go of you. “Alright.” You and Mark share a look before bolting, adrenaline pumping through your veins. Freedom only lasts for a second before you’re being grabbed again, yanked backwards. 

“Stupid girl. I don’t appreciate being told no.” You whimper and you can hear Mark screaming your name, screaming for help, screaming for anything.

It’s the last thing you hear.

“Jaemin, you’re an idiot. Literally the dumbest person I know.” There’s a familiar voice swimming through your head and you try to move towards it, finding your entire body feels drained.

“Yes, I’ve been told.” Is that Jaemin’s voice? It sounds a lot clearer, drags you out of the darkness. “But look, it ended up being good, right? She’s alive.” You finally manage to pry your eyes open and immediately regret it, slamming them shut and curling into yourself. A groan leaves you and the two stop talking. “Y/N? Baby, it’s me.” There’s a hand on your cheek, brushing against the skin gently, and you press into his touch. “How are you feeling?” “Bad.” You croak out through a dry throat, cringing at how dry it feels. Jaemin laughs softly and something presses to your lips. “Here, drink this.”

You didn’t realize how hungry you were until you get the first taste, and then suddenly you find the strength in your body to take gulp after gulp of the drink. It brings a little bit of warmth to your body, makes you feel less achy. You even manage to pry your eyelids open.

Jeno and Jaemin greet you, both men looking relieved. Jaemin beams at you, dipping down for a kiss. “Hey baby.” “What happened?” You frown, trying to remember how you got to Jaemin’s couch. “Did I- I was walking to the church and we were attacked.” Oh shit, you weren’t alone. You search frantically around the room. “Did Mark- is he okay?” The thought of your best friend- no matter how strained your relationship was at the end- dying is too much for you to handle. 

Jaemin smiles. “He’s the one that brought you to me.”

“He’s okay?” Jeno nods in confirmation.

“They only wanted to kill for fun, guess you were enough.” Jeno says. “Speaking of killing, Jaemin has a lot of explaining to do. And since I don’t trust him to do a good job, I’m going to stay here!” You look between the two. “Kill? Am I- I’m dead?” Jaemin makes a face. “Fucking- I’m a vampire?” Your words come out shrill and the two boys cringe.

“Yeah, sorry.” Jaemin scratches the back of his neck. “My bad. But, um, I’ll take care of you! Don’t worry.” Then, to Jeno: “Come on man, can’t we have a second of peace? I literally never thought I was going to see her again.” Jeno sighs, glaring at his friend before walking away. “Dramatic.” 

You’re in Jaemin’s arms in the next second, held close to his chest. “Fuck y/n, I’m so sorry.” His voice is shaky and he keeps his face pressed into your neck. “This is all my fault, I don’t know how I’m going to make it up to you.” “We’ll figure it out later.” You tug at his hair to get him to look you in the eyes. “I almost died, Jaemin. Give me a headache later. Right now…” You trail off, letting your lips stretch wide. “Kiss me.” It draws a snort from Jaemin. “You were dead like an hour ago and now you want to fuck?” “No!” You whine and smack his chest. “I just want a kiss, get your mind out of the gutter.” Jaemin teases you some more, making you laugh and smack him to stop before you finally say fuck it and pull him closer, smashing your lips together. He smiles into the kiss, wrapping his arms around your body. You have a lot to worry about, but you’ve also got all the time in the world to worry about it. It makes you sick to think about, and for now, you want to just relax. Not that Jaemin seems to mind, happily letting you curl into his chest, stroking your head. You’re not alone, you have Jaemin, and you know he’ll help you through this.

+ You’re not expecting a welcome home party. You’re also not expecting to find all of your belongings scattered across the front yard, having very clearly been chucked from your bedroom window. 

“Lovely.” You scoff, staring at the mess. The front door has the biggest cross you’ve ever seen nailed to it, complete with the silver door knob that you promptly burn yourself on. You stare at the door, wondering if you should knock. It swings open before you make your mind up.

Mark stares back at you with wide eyes and parted lips. “Y/n? You’re alive?”

“Hey, Mark.” You smile, tight lipped. “Jaemin told me you saved me.”

Mark looks like he’s about to say something but then his mouth closes and he shakes his head. “Y/n, you- you’re a vampire now. I can’t.” Mark doesn’t look you in the eye when he says it and you scoff, rolling your eyes. “I’m sorry.” “I’m sorry.” You mock, shaking your head. “No you’re not. If you were sorry, you would fucking look me in the eyes.” He doesn’t. “You know it’s your fault I’m like this, right?” That gets him to look up at you. There’s fire in his eyes this time. “No, it’s your fault for whoring around with vampires.” You shake your head. “Who made me go to church that night?” He looks away and doesn’t answer the question. “Good bye, Mark.”

[awanderingdeal]

You were the first

As I mentioned in this ask, I have polished up the fic I wrote live on discord. It's left at a bit of a cliff-hanger so I'll try not to leave it too long to write the second chapter, but I make no promises!

Anyway, have some Logan with his first boy crush.

CW: discovering sexuality and sexuality crisis

Rating: G

If you feel I need to add any content warnings or change the rating, please drop me a message!

Logan and Noelle are original characters from the sweater weather universe created by the wonderful @lumosinlove. All other characters in this fic are mine.

Logan tugged at his t-shirt, an expensive white thing that was more fitted than he was used to, scrutinizing his image in the mirror. He rose up onto the tips of his toes, giving a small sigh as he settled back down. He’d always been confident in his appearance, especially under the Nice sun, his hair a little lighter and his skin bronzing even more than usual, but he wished he was taller.

“Lo! Let’s go! I’m ready,” his sister called, appearing in the doorway to his bedroom a few seconds later. “Are you okay?”

Logan dismissed her concerns with a wave of his hand, figuring his ensemble of the white t-shirt and khaki shorts would have to do. “Does this look too prep school?” he asked, pulling on a pair of battered vans that he hoped would soften the outfit before joining Noelle in the hallway.

“Since when did you care about your appearance?” Noelle teased, pulling his cap over his eyes as he fell into step beside her.

I don’t,” Logan grumbled, adjusting the brim, shoving Noelle away from him. He twisted away from her retaliating shove with a chuckle, raising his hands in a truce at the top of the stairs before bounding down them. “Maman! Noelle and I are going out now!”

“Do you have sunscreen? And water?”

“Yes, Maman!” He and Noelle rolled their eyes at each other, waiting around only long enough to hear the affirmative reply from their mother telling them to be safe and back in time for dinner.

“So, what’s going on with you and this Hugo boy then?” Noelle asked as soon as the door shut behind them.

Logan glanced back towards the house anxiously, even though he knew nobody would have heard. He picked up his skateboard, dusting an imaginary piece of dirt from it before tucking it under his arm. “Nothing is going on, he asked me out and I said I wasn’t gay, simple,” Logan mumbled. “Why don’t you concentrate on your own love life?”

“Alright, there’s no need to get defensive,” Noelle clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth. She strapped her board to her backpack, leaving her hands free to tap against her phone screen. “And my love life is very successful, thank you,” she added with a smirk that was begging for Logan to ask more.

“Oh yeah?” Logan latched onto the opportunity, glad to have the attention off of himself. “Is that who you’ve been texting all the time?” he chuckled, plucking Noelle’s phone from her hand. “What’s his name then?”

Noelle squealed, lunging for her phone, but Logan was too quick, looking at the message before she could grab it. “Oh,” Logan breathed, stumbling over his feet as he shoved the phone back at his sister. “Fuck, Noelle. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t -”

“Logan, it’s fine.” Noelle stopped, grabbing Logan by the shoulder so he halted as well. “Well, it’s not. You’re a little shit, but that’s what little brothers are for, right? Besides, you are so predictable. I was baiting you.”

Logan frowned, his features contorting into a picture of confusion. “What?”

“You’re such a dumbass,” Noelle laughed, shaking her head. “I wanted you to know.”

“You’re a dumbass,” Logan muttered. “So, Natacha, huh? That’s the blonde girl, right?”

Noelle looked at Logan pointedly, “That’s all you’ve got to say?”

“Uhh…Congratulations?” Logan shrugged.

Noelle sighed and started to walk again. “Yeah, she’s the blonde one.”

Logan jogged a few paces to catch up with her. He chewed at his lip, glancing over at his sister every few steps. She seemed so confident, like she knew exactly what she wanted. He tried to reassure himself that he was only 14, he wasn’t supposed to know what he wanted yet. That’s what all the websites said. Finally, he couldn’t bear the silence any longer, “Do maman et papa know?”

“Not yet,” Noelle hummed, “I’m not worried, I just -”

“Logan! Noelle!” their friend, Ibrahim, yelled as they entered the skate park. Logan looked towards Noelle, mouthing that they would finish the conversation later. “We were just talking about you.”

Noelle replied, but Logan didn’t hear what she said, his attention pulled by the tall boy standing just to the left of Ibrahim. He had light blonde hair that flopped over his eyes and he was shifting nervously between his feet. Hugo.

“Hello! Earth to Logan,” Noelle clapped her hands in front of his face. “I said we’re going to head over there and practice on the rails. Are you coming?”

Logan looked back to Hugo, wincing internally at the obviousness of the action. “No, I’m going to stay,” he pointed behind him to the small group of teens “here.”

Noelle looked at him, her lips making a funny manoeuvre that Logan had come to learn meant she was suppressing a laugh. “Okay.”

Then Noelle was gone, and Logan didn't know what to do with himself. These were the same friends he'd been hanging out with every summer for nearly a decade, but suddenly he seemed to have forgotten how to interact with them. Or rather, with him, with Hugo. He couldn’t pinpoint why he felt so awkward. Sure, the other boy had asked him out, but Logan was certain that wasn’t the problem. He didn't want to be that person, but he had other male friends who were attracted to guys and it had never been an issue before. Even when one of those friends had admitted to a crush on him, Logan had just told them politely he wasn't interested in them like that, and they'd moved on with their friendship. So why did his stomach feel like it was trying to turn itself inside out, right now? And why did he feel like he wouldn't be able to string an intelligible sentence together?

"Logan! What are you doing?" Ibrahim shouted, pulling Logan from his spiralling panic. He looked up to see the group had moved. "Hugo has finally got that combo he was working on down, and for some reason he can't wait to show you." Logan thought he heard something teasing in his friend's tone, but he squashed the thought. He looked over, meeting Hugo's shy smile and decided he could figure out whatever was going on in his head later. His friend wanted to show him a trick, and Logan wasn't a jerk, so he was going to go and watch.

Logan dug his fingers into the edge of his board, clutching it close to him as he approached his friends, the walk to the edge of the bowl they had gathered on seeming to take an age with all their eyes on him. "You've stopped falling on your ass then?" he grinned at Hugo, by way of greeting, proud that the words came out with the same smooth tone that he usually managed.

"Yeah," Hugo blushed. "I told you, practice makes perfect."

"I stand corrected," Logan huffed out a laugh. A red haired girl that Logan didn't know that well, mumbled something that he didn't quite catch, but carried a tone that he didn’t like. He spun around to ask her to repeat herself when she smiled and mounted her board, dropping over the edge of the bowl. Logan turned back to Hugo, but the boy was now looking towards the bowl, sending a glare after Lydia.

"Okay, let's not build this up too much,” Ibrahim threw his arm around Logan. “We’re going to be expecting some Tony Hawk skills at this point." Logan sent him a grateful smile, receiving a small squeeze in return.

"Lyds, we get it. You are fantastic! Now get out the bowl. I already shot - gunned," Hugo said, laughing as Lydia flipped him off after she had exited the bowl on the opposite side."

“Alright then, Hewie. The floor is yours. Let us see your mating dance," Lydia swept her arms in front of her in a grand gesture.

“Sorry about her,” Hugo cleared his throat, his face getting impossibly redder and scratching at the back of his neck. “I think she thinks she’s funny.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Logan hoped the smile he offered was comforting, even if it did feel somewhat tight. He could feel the stares of the others boring into his back as he inclined his head towards the bowl. "What are you waiting for? Show me what you can do.”

Hugo opened his mouth to respond, but seemed to decide better of it, shrugging his shoulders. A cocky smirk spread across his face before he gave a determined nod and dropped into the bowl. It was easy watching Hugo skate. Years of practise had led to a relaxed form, commanding the board with a simple confidence. Any shyness he'd been exhibiting a few moments ago had melted away. Logan wasn't the best skater, rarely picking his board up outside of the summers, so he was easily impressed by the way other people were able to keep their feet stuck to the deck like glue. However, there was something about the way Hugo's body moved, leaning into each turn and shifting his weight with such subtly, that felt different. Logan found himself holding his breath, knowing that the trick Hugo could never land was approaching. He didn't want to think about why the determined crease of Hugo's brow made the same odd feeling in his stomach from earlier reappear.

Hugo carved his way up the side of the bowl, until only one wheel ground against the coping. Logan leaned forward into the movement, expecting to hear the crash of the board against concrete, but it never came. Hugo glided seamlessly back down to the bottom of the bowl with a proud fist pump. A loud cheer escaped Logan's mouth before he even really registered it, the rest of his friends joining in to create a barrage of noise. Logan felt lighter than he had in weeks. Hugo showed off a few more tricks, before exiting the bowl. His skin had a pink flush to it, and his breath was coming in heavy pants, the heat of the afternoon sun making the exercise that bit more intense.

"Here, drink," Logan ordered, thrusting a bottle of water in Hugo’s direction. He took the bottle, but instead of drinking it like Logan expected, he unscrewed the lid, pouring the contents over his head, sweeping his bangs up off his face. Logan thought he had gotten away with the choked noise pulled from his throat, but Lydia chuckled from behind him. Logan turned on his heel, sending her a steely glare, "Is there a problem?"

Lydia raised an eyebrow, cocking her head as if inspecting something, "I'm just wondering how long it's going to take you to get your act together, Tremblay."

Logan tensed, glancing behind him quickly. He let out a long breath, relieved to see Hugo's attention had been monopolised by Ibrahim and another of their friends congratulating him. "I don't know what you're talking about," he scoffed. "We barely even know each other."

"You may not know me, but Hugo and I have been friends since we were babies, so unfortunately I am aware of the exact shade of green your eyes happen to be," Lydia retorted, shrugging off the plaid shirt she had on over her vest top. Her expression had softened when she looked at Logan again, "Look, maybe I've made a big mistake here and you're really not interested in him like that, but if that's the case you really need to stop leading him on."

"I'm not-" Logan started to protest, a part of him wondering exactly what Hugo had told Lydia about him. "-this is none of your business.” He chewed at his lip, pulling his cap from his head. It felt like the temperature had risen dramatically in the last thirty seconds, Logan very aware of the beads of sweat forming under his t-shirt. He shoved his cap back on, tugging at the curls at the nape of neck. "I'm going to find my sister," he said, grinding the words through his teeth and turning on his heel. Somewhere behind him, he heard Hugo call his name, but he pretended he hadn't heard, continuing his quick strides away. This was all too confusing and he just wanted to see Noelle.

Logan crossed the park, finding Noelle sitting on a set of stairs, her head resting on Natacha’s shoulder, the two of them watching some of their friends work the rails. She seemed content, so Logan hesitated a few feet away, guilt creeping in at the prospect of disturbing her. Eventually, his need for comfort won out. "Nolly?”

Logan rarely used the nickname in public these days, receiving a swift smack to the back of his head whenever he did. Noelle whipped her head up, her glare melding quickly into a look of concern.

"Nolly, huh? Adorable," Natacha teased, nudging Noelle gently.

"Don't even think about it," Noelle deadpanned, her eyes remained locked with Logan's. "Hey Lo, what's up?" She patted the concrete next to her, and Logan took a seat, resting his chin in his hands against his knees. He looked between Noelle and Natacha, chewing at his lip. Natacha had always seemed nice, but he wasn't sure he wanted to bare his soul to her quite yet.

"Do you want me to go? I can always go and show the boys how it’s done, it's not a problem." Natacha smiled softly and instantly, Logan decided he liked her. Besides, he wasn’t sure he had anything to say yet, so it was pointless sending her away.

"No, it’s okay," Logan sighed. "I just needed a break." Noelle looked at him pointedly, and Logan could tell she didn’t believe him. For now, she refrained from an interrogation. Logan had a funny feeling that it was postponed rather than cancelled.

It took a while for the conversation to fall back into a natural rhythm, however once the initial awkwardness faded it flowed well, Natacha dropping into the natural gaps of Noelle and Logan’s conversation like she’d always been there. It was easy over here, away from his friends, and Logan let his mind wander to thoughts of Hugo, trying to reconcile these new feelings with the information he currently had about himself.

Natacha laughed, loud and smooth, pulling Logan back into the conversation. "No, my ex, he -" Logan didn't hear the next few sentences, fixating on the pronoun until he couldn't hold in the question any more.

"Did you say he?"

Natacha furrowed her brow, whilst Noelle's expression turned smug and knowing. Logan had questions about that too, but it'd have to wait. Eventually, Natacha gave a slow nod. "Yes, he...Jacob, my ex-boyfriend."

Logan waved his hand between Noelle and Natacha, "- and now you have a girlfriend."

Something changed in Natacha's expression, but Logan couldn't place it. "Well," she chuckled, "we haven't called it anything yet, but I wouldn't object."

Logan blinked. "You can do that?"

Natacha shrugged, looking between Logan and Noelle with a careful curiosity.

"No." Logan cut her off before she could answer. "I know you can change your mind or whatever. Or not know. But can I just...I guess, I had that crush on Alicia back in grade 7, but now I think - yeah, Hugo makes me feel kind of the same way, so am I gay now or what?" He felt Noelle squeeze his knee as he reached to scratch at the back of his neck. She always told him he'd be awful at poker because he had too many tells.

Natacha looked between him and Noelle again. It was getting a bit annoying, but he figured he had just dumped a whole lot of thoughts on somebody he had only spoken to a handful of times. The silence was beginning to feel heavy when she eventually spoke, "I can't really tell you that. You could be gay, you could be bisexual, I'm fairly sure there's other things too. Just try not to freak out about it, yeah?"

Bisexual. Now that he thought about it, Logan remembered hearing that word before. He'd never really considered what it meant though, it hadn’t been necessary. The only person he'd ever had a crush on before was Alicia. Maybe bisexual fit, but he'd never liked another girl like that either so maybe Alicia was just a fluke and he was just gay. He lay back, shielding his eyes as he looked up at the sun and groaned. "Try not to freak out. How am I not supposed to freak out?! I want to kiss a boy."

"Oh, you want to kiss him do you? You're a baby, you're not allowed to kiss anybody." Noelle teased, poking at his side. Logan threw a furious look at her. Could she not see he was having a crisis here and she was laughing. "Sorry," Noelle apologised, her voice more sincere. "I know it's a lot to think about. It's just difficult not to tease my little brother about his crush."

Logan had to admit something was comforting in the idea that even when his world was in chaos, there was always the constant of his sister's teasing. He'd never tell her that though. "I think I'm just going to pretend this isn't happening," he sighed.

Noelle laughed again, more committed this time. "That would be very fitting," she hummed. "You could also, oh, I don't know...talk to him?"

Logan sat up quickly, "And what if he asks if I'm gay!? I literally told him 3 days ago I wasn't interested.” The long sigh that followed felt like it was pulled from him.

"Erm..." Natacha muttered awkwardly. "I'm gonna leave you two to talk. Good luck, Logan," she added, leaning around Noelle to pat at his arm. Ordinarily he would have found the gesture condescending, but it was oddly comforting.

There was a quiet as they watched her walk away. “I like her,” Logan declared.

"Well, she's my girlfriend so you can't have her," Noelle quipped. Logan rolled his eyes; his sister shared their father's sense of humour and frankly, it was awful. "Can I let you into a secret?" she asked, pulling Logan into her side. There wasn’t time to answer before Noelle continued. "It wasn't easy for me either. But I got there and you will too. Just be honest with Hugo, and if he's an ass about it at least you know he's trash now rather than later."

"Thanks, Nolly," Logan said quietly, leaning his head on his sister's shoulder. "I think I'll talk to him. Or maybe I'll just show him my hockey reel, that's impressive." Noelle flicked her fingers against his leg and Logan scowled, rubbing at the spot.

"Try not falling off that board for once, that'll impress him," Noelle teased, inclining her head towards Logan's abandoned board.

"Or maybe, I'll just fall off and then get him to teach me." Logan retorted with a smirk, looking in the direction of the bowl that he had left earlier. He figured he should probably head back over there soon, he’d left before he could even really congratulate Hugo.

Noelle shook her head, laughing "God, you're such a Tremblay at times."

Logan heaved himself up, grabbing his board as he did. "Hey, you never did tell me what you decided on. You know...with your sexuality," his said, feeling his face heat up a little. Somewhere in the back of his brain, something told him he wasn't supposed to ask that, but the question had left his mouth before he'd really thought about it. "If you don't mind telling me."

Noelle looked up at him with a casual shrug, "I refuse to be defined by labels, I will date who I date and if people don't like it, well fuck them."

"Wow, okay," Logan raised an eyebrow. "That's a lot of anger in such a small person. Go skate it off."

"Alright, Mr 5 foot," Noelle scoffed, her expression softening before she continued. "I am

going to see if I can prise my board from Tasha's grip, but let me know if you want to go, yeah?"

"I just haven't hit my growth spurt yet," Logan reeled off his usual rebuttal to his sister's jibes about his height, but his mind was more focused on the latter words. "I'll be fine, promise," he smiled, even if he wasn't so convinced of the statement himself. He held Noelle's gaze for a beat longer, turning on his heel to head back to his friends

"Logan!" Hugo called loudly as he approached, the blond boy's eyes widening slightly when the loud sound left his mouth. "You're back," he added, at a more reasonable volume.

Logan smiled as he took a seat next to Hugo, "Yeah, sorry about that. Just had to sort some stuff.”

"No problem, just glad to have you back.”

Ibrahim faked a gag, and Logan shot him a glare. His friend mouthed something at him, but Logan couldn’t make out the words against the exaggerated movements of his lips. He turned his attention back to Hugo as he began to speak again. Ibrahim was probably only trying to chirp him anyway. "Hey, how's your Ollie going?"

Logan took a deep breath, trying not to think about his next words too much, "Yeah, I'm still practicing, actually. I was wondering if you could help me again? Somewhere," Logan looked around, "not here. I don't want to keep falling on my ass in front of everybody."

Logan swore he heard a low wolf whistle from one of the group, but when he glanced at them, everybody seemed to be engulfed in their own conversations. Ibrahim and Lydia's heads were close together, whispering conspiratorially in a way that was making Logan nervous.

"Yeah, I can help you," Hugo said, a goofy grin set on his face. "When do you want to do it?"

"Now?" Logan suggested, trying not to get distracted by the increasingly animated conversation beside him. Hugo must have noticed too, but he seemed unfazed.

"Oh? Now. Okay, Sure," Hugo nodded vigorously, brushing his hands through his hair. "We can do it now. I'm totally ready."

"Cool," Logan hummed, trying to appear nonchalant about the whole situation despite the uptick in his heart rate.

"Yeah, cool.”

Logan didn’t want to appear too eager so he waited for Hugo to stand first. Only it appeared Hugo had a similar idea bringing them to an impasse. Logan cringed internally, glad he currently had his back to Ibrahim because he could just imagine the mocking expression. He bolstered himself, letting his breath whistle through his teeth and laughed, hoping the noise sounded lighter than it did in his head. "Come on then," Logan said, rolling to his feet, offering his hand out. Hugo stared at it for so long, Logan was beginning to think perhaps he'd done something wrong. Then, Hugo slapped his own hand clumsily into it, pulling himself upright. Logan curled his fingers around the larger hand, holding onto it a second longer than necessary to help Hugo up. It was warm, slightly sweaty even, but Logan found himself wanting to test whether Hugo would keep their hands intertwined if he didn't let go. Still, a part of him was very aware of their current company, so Logan reluctantly pulled away.

As they walked away from the group, Logan braved a look behind him. Most of his friends quickly made to re-start their conversations, embarrassed to have been caught staring. However, the two he’d most suspected to lock eyes with had their heads down, fingers working furiously against their phone screens. Seconds later, Logan felt his phone vibrate. And then again, and again, and again.

Logan sighed, sending Hugo an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, let me just get this." He tugged his phone from his pocket, huffing when he saw the notification. Ibz created group 'Don't fuck this up Logan. He opened the chat, intending to mute it immediately, but curiosity got the better of him and he read through the messages quickly. Logan didn't have the third participant in his contacts so his phone just displayed the number, but if he wasn't already aware that it would be Lydia, the blunt tone of her messages would have given her away.

Ibz: His favourite colour is red!

Lydia: Why would that be helpful?

Lydia: Also, I think it might be green now ;)

Ibz: Lydia! That is not helpful! Logan, you can talk to him about hockey. He's been studying.

Lydia: That's true! He's kind of obsessed with dinosaurs too so try to work that into the conversation.

Logan worried at his lower lip, noticing that Hugo hadn't been inundated with messages. He could only surmise that Lydia and Ibz thought Logan was the only one of the pair that needed some extra help. He grumbled under his breath, typing out a reply with punishing taps against his screen.

Logan: Guys! Stop! I can handle this. Can you just stop meddling?

Lydia: If you say so. I am going to kick your ass if you hurt him though.

Ibz: Hey! That's harsh. Logan would never intentionally hurt Hugo.

Logan: Thanks Ibz! For the record, I'm muting this conversation now.

Logan smiled at how quickly Ibrahim had come to his defence, making a mental note to thank him in person later on. After following through with silencing his phone, he shoved the device back in his pocket, looking over at Hugo. He was sitting on his board, chin tucked against the palm on his hands, rocking slowly from side to side. He seemed content, but Logan still felt a little guilty about making him wait. "Sorry," Logan grimaced, "I'm all yours now. How about I show you what I'm doing, and you can correct me?"

[iamnightduchess]

ReinerxMikasa (ReiKasa) Extremely Kinky A to Z Ask Game (R20+) Headcanon #19

*Update: 24 March 2021

A continuation of this ask & inspired by this original post. Dedicated to @xrocketmanx for their amazing 💖 on my ko-fi page!

(A/N: ‼️WARNING‼️Graphic description of very explicit smut with potentially provocative images ⛔ Please don't click Keep Reading if you're below 20 🙅‍♀️ Sorry kiddos! To my more adult readers, please absorb this post's content with appropriate discretion & maturity)

(In complete Alphabetical Order)

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

People expect Reiner to be the one who would jump off the bed immediately soon after when they’re done but on the contrary, he just loves lying there and holding Mikasa in his arms post-coitus. Although, they do sleep with Mikasa lying on his chest most nights. Mikasa wasn’t used to be held intimately in the first few months of their relationship, so the first time they made love, Reiner gave her the space that she needed before, during and after. It was Mikasa who finally initiated their first cuddle post-coitus after the next several weeks.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Reiner: Very confident of his physical appearance and in his skin. He really loves everything on and about Mikasa. He loves her body type the way she is - to him, hers is just perfect. But, his most favorite body part of hers he'd like to touch first every time he could is her hands. He just like holding her hands when he wakes up, winding down for the night & even when he's asleep.

Mikasa: This woman, despite having a bombshell athletic figure, still secretly feels insecure of the way she looks. She loves Reiner's biceps the most - at home, she'll sneak a quick peck or a nibble on his biceps when he's doing the dishes or making dinner. She also likes to snuggle up to him on the couch with his arm draped around her shoulders, sometimes until she falls asleep.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… lol)

She...swallows? 🙈 (holy shizz i'm not so sure of this one. Can't think of a suitable answer without being cringey 🤣)

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Reiner & Mikasa once had a quickie inside the changing booth during a beach trip with their friends. Reiner had also went down on Mikasa after dinner at his mum's place, right in Karina's laundry room because he 'accidentally' spilt some wine on her dress & wanted to get her dress cleaned up. He ended up having her as dessert on top of the moving dryer & she left her underwear there by accident.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

They were both not each other’s first lovers but when they first got together, the experience is like being with no other. They discovered new parts & points of not only their significant other’s physical & spiritual strengths but also their own respective preferences as well. Reiner’s quite a ladies’ man during his early years in the military but after a while, he got bored of the game. Meeting Mikasa, he realised he wants to play the game again but this time to win it for good. Mikasa has only been with one boyfriend since college & being with Reiner opened her eyes up to vast possibilities.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

No, Reiner doesn't do the Military Style despite being a military man 🤣 Missionary & Cow Girl are their standard starting positions. Despite Mikasa being very flexible, which gave them more advantage in attempting the more physically-challenging positions, but the following are their more favorite experimental ones:

Oasis

Basket

Watering Can

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

A little bit of both, no doubt. Reiner has a dorky sense of humor & Mikasa's odd humor makes for a good tension-breaking combination. Their foreplays always begin with a good laugh - with Reiner ghosting his teasing touches on her love handles. Gets her in the mood for some serious sexing every time.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

For both, the carpets matched the drapes. Mikasa tried Brazillian wax once and uhh...Reiner abstained for a week & a half because he prefers her au naturalé 🙈 He said it felt odd from what he's used to haha

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

There are days they’ll just have a quickie if they get in the mood while just chilling, watching TV together after dinner. Before the children came, they would always have slow, intense eye-gazing, tantric, unrushed lovemaking. After the twins came into the picture, they’ll be lucky if they can even have cuddle time together >D Mikasa doesn’t say “I love you” out-loud but showed it in the way she touches & kisses Reiner’s arm when he’s in the kitchen making dinner or when he’s giving the twins a bath.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

Oooh...Reiner rarely does this after he dated Mikasa & married her. But he loves getting her to touch herself in the showers. While he watches.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Did i tell you about their muscle kink & how much they love each other’s muscles?? Roleplay :) They like to pretend they’re strangers meeting in a cafe or a hotel bar and later have a ‘pretend one-night stand’ with each other haha It keeps the flame burning! (i posted a oneshot on this.)

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

Home: bedroom, kitchen and in his home office. In the showers too!

They're not one to do it in public but they did have several outdoor trysts on the back of his 4WD while having a romantic night under the stars.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going) haha can't help not including this gif

When Mikasa rubs one of Reiner's thighs, rest assured that his gears will be running. Meanwhile when Reiner nuzzles her neck and started caressing her abs, oh it's an on for her alright.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

⛔ Backdoors are a big N.O ⛔

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

They're both amazing givers... You know what it means: 34 + 35 🤫 Reiner would sometimes initiates when Mikasa's already asleep. Remember that Zoom Conference & online gaming session? Mikasa likes to get back at Reiner when he least expects it.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Both depending on their moods...quickies are usually fast pounding yet not too rough, Reiner respects Mikasa too much to ever be at risk of hurting her. Usually their lovemaking would be sensual & soul-bonding at the same time.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Mikasa prefers to wear pants when they ever go for outings, movie trips, hiking trips. But, she wears skirts when they're visiting their families for a reason: smoother access for quickies. The moment she walks down the stairs in a beautiful dress before they head to his mum's or her aunts', Reiner already knows it. They be getting freaky with a quickie later 🙈

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Reiner & Mikasa are very experimental in the bedroom. Sure, they don’t have frequent lovemaking but when they’re in the mood, fireworks are a guarantee throughout with different new positions ;) Risk-taker? Let’s just say Reiner’s virility and Mikasa’s flexibility provided a lot of perks in their love lives together (and some pregnancy scares too! before they were ready to conceive) Mikasa once gave Reiner head while they're stuck in traffic heading into a road block. He'd finished just before the the car in front of them pass the inspection 🙈

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

Ooh boy, all night haha Rounds: 2 max at one time. Duration: At least 1.5hours X) They both are super fit, athletic people so one can expect their staminas to be nothing less than subpar. *cough* In Canon AU: Max 4 times or 1/3 of the night *winks* because supernatural & acker powers!

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

No, they don't 🙈

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Goes without saying: a lot. Mikasa likes to wear Reiner's tshirts/ dress shirts at home to tease him. While Reiner likes to wear his reading glasses a lot at home because that is one of her biggest turn ons from him.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Mikasa's the quiet one between the two and the loudest she'd ever been was just a deep, heavy whimper. Reiner's the louder one that sometimes Mikasa would have to smother him when they're having a quickie 🤣

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

Even after more than 20 years together, Reiner and Mikasa still make out like they're teenagers - pretending to sneak around and grinding in hidden, cramped spaces away from their kids.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

Mikasa : Dynamite & powerful grip - thighs and you-know-what (even after 3 kids!)

Reiner : Thicc - ass & this man is packing. He has girth!

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest: 15 🤣 There's something about getting Mikasa to relax and laugh during their chill time, that just instantaneously revved up their engines at the same time. Reiner is a very tender, romantic person & Mikasa cannot resist it when he starts to tell her how much he loves her & appreciates her. He likes to kiss her hand when they're just hanging out even with friends. Everything Reiner does is genuine & that warms her heart everytime.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Reiner would be the first to go out like a light & Mikasa just likes to rest her head on his chest and hear his beating heart & relaxed breathing. Mikasa thinks Reiner's little snores are adorable. But when they're just cuddling on the couch, Mikasa would fall asleep first & Reiner would carry her to the bed.

-------------------

A/N: I had a lot of fun with this & I hope you'll enjoy it too! Thank you so much for the support & love 💖 xoxo More asks to come!

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, SE02, Ep20

This is a buildup ep for yuki’s confession, like most buildup eps in furuba they kinda seem awkward & a bit stretched, but overall this one is not bad. 

-The theme of “ letting go” & tohru:

Tohru needs to Not only let go of her excessive attachment to her mom, but also, of treating yuki as needing of much help all the time. tohru’s is the mother friend for all, she tends to care for everybody, however, since she lives with yuki, this instinct fire up & she provides care, nurture, support & worry lots abt him since she knows the sohma’s abuse. Their dynamics need to change as yuki is starting to depend on himself as equal leaving tohu’s nest, tohru needs to accept his change & support him differently from before. The analogy of yuki leaving the nest is also fitting of tohru’s need to focus on herself since her nest is now empty. Tohru has also been using her motherly care for others to avoid working/focusing on herself. I find it ironic that Arisa’s “ tohru come convince kyo, he doesn’t wanna be a prince” comes as tohru & yuki acknowledge the need of a modified dynamics between them & she sends him off with her “ do your best” instead of her usual “don’t overwork yourself”. She leaves him to go to kyo/her own personal life that she needs to focus on.

-The Endless Parallels:

As yuki is starting to open his lid to his pal, the focus is shifted to machi! I’m happy she’s back. Similar to kyo’s apology into tohru’s ears in Se01, machi was given the questionable behavior without explanation treatment to hook viewers & I’m hooked! I know I’ll love this girl. It was pretty clear that her & kakeru are yuki exclusive characters & if he’s the best buddy, she’s the love interest. To connect her with yuki, certain good parallels were hinted at from the beginning:

She always leaves a mess behind, yuki lives in a messy room.

She has to have traumatizing background in order to make her need yuki in her life cuz part of yuki’s wishes is to provide for someone who needs him the way kyo provides for tohru. Yuki is ready to give back, now that he’s healing. Machi is yuki’s person.

Her coping mechanism is a bit similar to yuki in SE01, she shuts herself from others, doesn’t talk much & is withdrawn. I love that they both have somewhat similar coping  mechanism regardless of the nature of heir trauma, it makes them both less ashamed of what they adopted to cope regardless if it’s wrong/harmful. 

 She has low self esteem & is shocked when someone notices her, very lonely which is why she noticed yuki’s loneliness since Day 1.

She saw through yuki’s resistance of his “prince” title. She’s perceptive in nature just like him.

She looks physically more similar to yuki than she’s to kakeru, her brother, (yuki’s family grayish hair/his mom’s /ayame’s long eyes). Not really fond of that, but no harm, I think it was done so she & yuki will have similar aesthetic & have similar color shades.

All these are amazing parallels above help connect characters together & build relationships. However, I’m kinda annoyed that the writer went over board with the parallels, to the point of semi-exact situation:

Machi & Kakeru are siblings who were not close at all due to abusive family attitude. Exactly Similar to: Ayame & Yuki.

Kakeru is the older brother & was able to stop his abuse cuz of his character or extreme behavior that saved him from being caged into the family’s grasp while machi, the younger, was unable to escape & isn’t free yet. Exactly Similar to: Ayame & Yuki. 

Kakeru, the eldest, is trying hard to reach out to his sibling & aid her as much as he can but fails due to his insensitive character or his failure to see where she stands. Exactly Similar to: Ayame & Yuki. 

In their relationship, kakeru is the extreme, bubbly & bigger than life character while machi is the vulnerable, silent, withdrawn one. Exactly Similar to: Ayame & Yuki. 

This is a ton load of parallels that is not much needed to make machi suitable for yuki. I know that the writer is aware that machi is introduced late into the story, & is eager to flesh her out to be loved, but I don’t think that adding all these similarities to yuki’s life is the way to go. In the contrary, it makes her seem like a female version of him without the curse. Machi should be fascinating without yuki or kakeru. I guess making her kakeru’s sister helps create situations of yuki knowing more abt her without her talking & can be used to redeem kakeru’s character if he was ever harsh to her the way ayame was cuz you bet kakeru will play matchmaker. but overall, it takes uniqueness from machi’s situation herself & draws more attention towards yuki & kakeru. More focus on what will yuki & kakeru do. I really love her form the few things I saw abt her & her reactions, but yeah, don’t mind me~ it was a fleeting feeling of disappointment. Oh well, it is what it is. I hope her own perspective of her situation is rewarding.

-Machi is NO weak woman:

She really isn’t! She took control of the situation when she noticed it needed quick intervention. That’s why, the first set of 6 parallels mentioned above is important for machi! She saw through yuki without needing to know abt the exact similarities of their abusive homes. You don’t need all that to see through someone who was in the darkness for years, cuz she too, must’ve been in the darkness as well! So, in unique fashion, she comes & destroys yuki’s walls. Don’t worry, I’ll save you. I see you.

-Cinderella ( what??):

I didn’t expect elementary school fairly tale to be chosen & I sure didn’t see the cast choices coming! XD I’m sure sth will happen & they’ll change cast. but It’s 100% awesomely spot on in a reversed manner!! So Ironic!

Yuki godmother means yuki in female dress???? similar to SE01, Momiji ep! poor yuki! plus godmother is a nonhuman character that is superior & grants wishes & yuki is considered stronger than normal human without training & despite weak health, all his skills are always extraordinary. But maybe becuz he’s nearly done healing/opening the lid, he’ll help the others now, godmother style. XD

Tohru is evil stepsister?? Tohru is kindness reincarnated! but perhaps tohru needs a hint of evilness to wake up for herself & be more assertive! plus tohru is considered evil by yuki’s fan club (there’s an entire ep dedicated for that lol).

Hana Cinderella?? The queen of darkness & eerie wave reports who can see right through humans will play the weak, powerless Cinderella. XD. But it suits her cuz she was once called witch when in reality she’s kind.

Arisa a prince! the woman who wants to be a model & is desperate to turn kureno’s head with her womanly charms & is dying for a kiss from him in their first meeting! XD. but it suits her as she used to be a gangster? XD.

Kyo the prince?! the most un-princely prince! kyo’s kindness & warmth is exclusive to kazuma & tohru, the rest of the world sees him as the always annoyed, easily teased, harmless dude! Princes are diplomatic with their words! kyo’s life would be over in a second if it depended on his words! XD. He depends on his physical body & actions to show affection & love. You want him to be shower girls with compliments the way princes do?XD. but it suits him in a way, cuz he stole the main female protagonist’s heart like in all fairy tales & he’s genuine with his affection. XD.

I want Cinderella play NOW! plz don’t change the cast!!

Side Note:

The ep started with yuki’s statement abt what he wants from tohru, however, failed to deliver an answer by the end. It is obvious that (a) the answer will be given once yuki explains himself (b) a tease to hook the viewers into waiting for yuki’s answer. However, it was badly done. Rather than giving anticipation, it gave a disappointing feel. It dragged a genuine & vulnerable moment for the entire ep for cheap hook by the end. It can be completely avoided by not opening the ep with yuki’s lines. The thrill/anticipation would’ve come 10 times stronger with his closing lines leaving viewers with “OMG, he’ll say it next ep!! rather than “ what? i was waiting for that all ep? man~, next ep perhaps?”. I duno what is the nature of the manga chapters. but there are times when it’s so clear to me (an anime-only) when the show adapts things via direct cut & paste rather than working them to suit the ep format. Generally, the show doesn’t know how to implement cliffhangers, so I really wish they avoid them altogether.

From the way he handled machi’s apology to his firmness with the chibi member, to his elaborated speech with kakeru, to his calmness inside the locked room & how the flashback didn’t affect him as much as I thought it would! yuki’s growth is 90% complete! =D! You go boy!

I gotta confess..I’m slightly disappointed that kakeru turned out to be another abuse survival child. I was loving the idea that yuki is connecting with someone via their own character/personality not shared past of similar experiences cuz there are TONS of those in furuba. Kakeru’s character with (mix kyo-ayame) & virtues/vices is a good balance for yuki, adding the abusive past is hinting that broken kids only befriends broken kids which isn’t true. Plus this means that all young characters “with importance to the plot” must be abused one way or another... I know furuba has a theme..but you don’t have to make it part of every important character. I still love kakeru tho. but if kimi turned out to be ANOTHER abused child, I’m quitting furuba! XD..jokes..

[cescalr]

Why Is Draco Malfoy So Underrated?

A repost of a Quora answer because Quora hates me for some reason

@vivithefolle​ i take little convincing here I go -

SO!

You. Yeah, you. You, nebulous quora questioner, you think Malfoy is underrated, do you? Well I, CescaLR, am here to set the record straight. The following is the answer I posted to Quora, that was flagged with ‘answer may need improvement’, which means some asshole was trawling the answers to the question posted and didn’t like mine so they had the moderators hide it because said person doesn’t like differing opinions. This post is thereby an archive, so if my answer is never again allowed to see the light of day on Quora, at least my maths is visible elsewhere. 

Hopefully, this entertains you, tumblr user reading this post. Also, as fair warning, if you do like Draco Malfoy and somehow stumbled across this post, I recommend skipping it. 

Why is Draco Malfoy so underrated?

Fleur Lee-Ranger

Author of 857406 words of fanfiction and counting.

ANSWER:

HAHAHAHA.

Ha.

Ha.

hah…..

For god’s sake, I hope you’re not serious.

Let’s look at YouTube, first:

Does 2.2 million f*cking views on a woobie Draco edit seem like he’s underrated to you? Any character that gets 2.2 million views on an edit that interprets the character in a sympathetic, caring light…. Jesus Christ. They’re not underrated.

You could make a clear argument for them being overrated, by matter of fact!

The first result is his entire life story, and a redemption of the Malfoy family as a whole, and it’s… super popular!

look at that! 70k likes versus 1.7k dislikes. Let’s use my favourite maths thing once again: Ratios!!

(I hate ratios. The things I do to prove a point, eh?)

This video has 5201431 million views. It has around 70k likes, 1.1k dislikes. We’ll round 5201431, as 70k and 1.1k are both rounded numbers and I can’t be bothered to deal with numbers that are too complicated right now, it’s nearly nine pm. 5201431 -> 5.2 million. It’s the rounded number YouTube itself uses on the search page - check the first image if you don’t believe me, and since YouTube thinks that’s good enough, so will we.

5200000 : 70000 : 1100

52000 : 700 : 11

Divide all by 11 (and round awkward numbers, because we’re already dealing in rounded numbers anyway, which is kind of bad practice, but it’ll do for this context):

4,727 : 64 : 1

As I’ve proven before (not on Quora, you can probably find it in the comments of one of my fanfictions, I’ll end up moving it over here one day when I find the right question), fandom content engagement rates are always pretty bad. But honestly? every four thousand or so views, you get 64 likes, compared to just one dislike. That’s great! That’s incredible! I’d kill for those kinds of ratings!!

(Draco’d probably wimp out, though. hehe. Jokes, jokes.)

As for his woobie video:

2.3m : 152k : 715

2300000 : 153000 : 715

Nice, don’t need to remove any superfluous zeroes. Bad, for… well, your hypothesis, to put it nicely, since that means there are only seven hundred and fifteen goddamn dislikes on this video, what the f*ck, why do so many people like this b*stard child.

Ahem. Sorry, that’s rude to illegitimate children like myself. There is nothing wrong with having unmarried parents.

…Anyway, lets slim down that ratio:

3217 : 214 : 1

Holy sh*t. I would do more than kill for this ratio. Oh my god.

That’s some great engagement there. So many likes! Clearly, Draco dearie is a very popular boy! He’d love that. I hate this on principle. God am I glad 13 year old me didn’t really use YouTube (I watched gaming content and little else, didn’t even find fandom content until 2015) or I’d have contributed one of those likes, probably.

Oh wait, no! Never mind! I can’t have contributed one of those likes, because this f*cking video was posted last year!!!!!

LAST GODDAMN YEAR!!!!

Do you understand that? Do you - do you have any idea how - just how difficult it is to get that many views that quickly and with that good an engagement???? Do you???????? It has been, get this, seven, seven whole f*cking months, Less time than it takes to make a baby, and this f*cking video has 2,265,900!!! million!!!! views!!!! With a ratio of 214 likes to one goddamn dislike.

oh my god.

oh my god

oh my god

I’m having a minor mental breakdown. Jesus f*cking H Christ on a goddamn bike.

Look at these comments! Look at how many likes they have!! Oh my god!!!! Draco Malfoy might just be one of the most beloved characters ever to get this sort of reaction, for hell’s sake!

I don’t know what kind of dunderhead you are to not notice how f*cking popular this jackass little b*stard boy is, but god, the whiny little sh*t has more fans than oh, I don’t know. Someone really popular. Tom Holland? I don’t know celebrities. Sorry.

But my point is, for god’s sake, Malfoy isn’t underrated. I don’t know what rock you’ve been living under, my friend, but that sheer idolisation you so crave of your wimpy f*cking husband is right there in front of you! Just search his name, and you’ll see it front and goddamn centre. Those of us that don’t worship the ground he walks on are generally much more background.

For god’s sake, he’s a trope namer.

Draco In Leather Pants.

How much more evidence do you need than that?

Of course, I could be jumping the gun. You could be a fan of his that is frustrated by the fanon interpretation of his character. ‘Why is he reduced to a bad boy with a heart of gold when actually he’s a more complicated asshole with sh*tty morality and no backbone that gives a whole ass damn about his family but not much else?’ Good question! Blame Cassie Claire, though I suppose that’s my go-to for most things.

Seriously though; Draco Malfoy is not even remotely overrated. He’s a whiny, terrible, useless waste of space in the books; and in fandom, he’s transformed into a cool, collected, redeemable or outright good person who’s smart and talented and like, super hot you guys, doesn’t he look cute with Hermione/Harry/Insert Author’s Projected Character Here?!!!!

Also: Y’all are f*cking creeps for this shit:

THAT’S A SCENE FROM WHEN THE KID IS TWELVE, FOR GOD’S SAKE. I’m not even joking, half of you are nonces and I want nothing to do with you! ‘hot draco malfoy edits’ HE’S TWELVE

HE’S TWELVE

HE’S TWELVE.

Hot take time:

Draco Malfoy is overhyped, overrated, and oversexualised and I want all of this to stop, because you’re doing it to Tom Felton, when he was a child. A child! That’s creepy! Please do not make hot edits of children, thank you!!!!!

Someone call the police. I’m done with this f*cking fandom, oh my god.

(Also, if you think I edited that in like some sick weirdo might do, just go find that video and give it a watch. I wouldn’t if I were you, I’d believe me, because watching that video probably puts you on a watchlist somewhere.

It should.)

Okay. Deep breaths. It’s been a few months, this answer was flagged with the wonderfully opaque ‘this answer may need improvement’, and I’m back to refine this. I’m not taking anything out, but I’m adding some extra investigation. For posterity’s sake; the original answer only contained YouTube analysis. Let’s look through Archive Of Our Own, shall we?

As I showed in my answer re: the well-liked-ness of Lilly and Hermione, this is the number of total fics within the HP tag.

This is the number of tags when ‘Draco Malfoy’ is added to the ‘included characters’ filter.

So, in terms of ‘fandom work presence’ (AO3 is mostly fanfic, but it is not all fanfic, there are a few vids and some art on there, too) Malfoy’s ratio is thus:

254603:65469

3.8889… : 1

4 : 1

So, rounding up, for every four works on AO3, there is one that includes Draco dearie. Good lord, he’s pervasive, isn’t he? Can’t turn a corner in the fandom without seeing his pasty ferret face plastered all over the walls… lovely.

Now, once again - that wasn’t the best ratio. I didn’t remove bashing, for example, so not all those works will be positive (as in, since you think he’s underrated, that means - I assume - you think people don’t like him enough) so let’s go the long mile:

I will find a ratio for Mr Malfoy Jr’s fans, versus his haters, in terms of - how many fics bash Malfoy, and how many greatly enjoy his existence?

Add the bashing tag, and now let’s see how many fics there are with a) Draco in it, and b) Draco Bashing:

hahahhahagag;k;asdkf

Oh no!

Oh my god I dodn’t…. one second… give me just one second….

Right. Laughing fit over, okay. 17.

So, 65469 works with Draco present, 17 of which don’t like him overmuch, and 65452 like him just fine/present him as he appears in canon! Awesome. Of course, people who present him as he is in canon may not like him the way you want him to, so, not awesome? Hmm. I’m not sure how to filter for that. I suppose you wouldn’t want people who write him OOC, though, because that’s not rating him properly, is it? Should we add OOC to the bashing, to get people who don’t appreciate his… many positive character traits… to the extent that you would like?

Yes, I think we should.

Now, there’s no tag for ‘OOC Draco Malfoy’, because that would make my life too easy. And, I’m not going through 151 works to figure out which ones have Draco being the one OOC. If they’ve written one person OOC, and they’re self-aware enough to tag it, then I’m going to meanly assume they’ve written Draco OOC as well. When one person’s out of whack, I’ve found everyone else is, too, so I’m not just doing this to be a dick, I promise, it’s for a real, good, understandable reason, one that is not only because I really don’t want to have to do any maths more complicated than basic ratios.

So. 151 OOC works, 17 bashing works. 168 works of not properly appreciated Draco Malfoy, coming up, which takes our 65469 Draco works down to… 65301.

Well, that’s a lot, still.

So, there’s still some tags to remove, like Evil, and Abusive, and all that lark. I’ll go do that quickly, and come back with the maths.

(okay, but I do have to show this:)

(fourteen works in the ‘Evil’ draco tag?? are you serious???)

(oh and you can’t filter by Abusive Draco Malfoy, like that’s not a tag, so I can’t exclude it, but it really adds to the general atmosphere of ‘Draco Malfoy? Yeah he’s cool I like him’ that this fandom has going on, doesn’t it?)

Alright so! We really only could take away those 14 works. Okay.

By the way, just so you know - I didn’t exclude tags like ‘Death Eater Draco Malfoy’ and ‘Bully Draco Malfoy’ (if the latter even exists), because those are things that happen in canon, and when I think of a character as being ‘underrated’ I include not acknowledging their canon actions, the bad and the good. A character is only as good as their complexities run deep.

So.

For the ratio, I guess;

65469 : 151 : 17 : 14

4,676.3571… : 10.7857… : 1.2142… : 1

4,676 : 11 : 1 : 1

…

Hmm.

For every 4 thousand 6 hundred fics Draco appears in, 11 of them have OOC tagged, 1 of them has Draco Bashing tagged, and 1 of them has Evil Draco tagged. That is…

That is unfathomably good. I’m really, genuinely having a hard time picturing it. I really, honestly, don’t think there’s been a character as unquestionably overrated as Draco Malfoy in all of fandom, because, good lord, look at that ratio! People love the guy!

Let’s see the good draco malfoy tag, shall we?

Now, to be fair, most people don’t bother tagging any of this sort of thing, usually, so that’s a minor flaw in my ratio-ing. We can’t actually know exactly how many works laud Malfoy, or hate him, or feel ambivalent, because people don’t tag their shit properly. But I’m hoping this helps, at least a little. Anyway, 905! That’s a few. Not many, but certainly more than Evil or Bashing or even OOC.

65469 : 905 : 151 : 17 : 14

4,676.3571… : 64.6428 : 10.7857… : 1.2142… : 1

4,676 : 65 : 11 : 1 : 1

Yep. That’s not bad, not bad at all.

So. Most people seem to like him, if we’re honest. As I pointed out above, he’s a trope namer. If you didn’t click on the link for Draco In Leather Pants, here’s a brief summary from the TV Tropes page:

[ Transcription:

Sometimes, a fanwork will portray a villainous character in a more positive light. It can be done out of sympathy for the character, for shipping reasons, as a part of a role-reversal story, several of the aforementioned or for the variety of other reasons.

The common subjects of this treatment are characters who are wicked in a classy or cool way. A physically attractive villain is much more likely to be subject to this trope than a physically ugly one; Beauty = Goodness, after all, and shallow as it may be, it seems that, for some fans, this is the case even when the character's beauty only extends to their appearance. All Girls Want Bad Boys may be a factor with male villains getting a female fandom that views them through this lens. A badass villain will naturally be preferred by many of these over meeker heroic characters at times, as well. Ugly Cute villains also get this pretty easily. ]

So! There’s that. He named a trope all about appreciating a character perhaps (usually definitely) more than they deserve, so I wouldn’t call him ‘underrated’ by most general definitions of the word:

People seem to mostly believe him to be quite good, actually! Certainly enough to write about him a lot, to draw him a lot, to edit him a lot, to theorise about him a lot, to ship him with the main character so much that the 99th filter ever on AO3 was Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter.

Hey, actually, that’s a good idea! Which filter id is Draco Malfoy?

Now, if I’m not mistaken, it’s been a while since I had to do this -

Draco Malfoy was the 1589th tag canonised in the tag system of AO3. Let’s check the Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter tag (which I know for certain was 99) to make sure:

And lo and behold, I was right. That’s mad. That’s mad!!!!

Ooh, I’ve found a fun trick

To change which rss feed you’re looking at, copy the https:// link up to .atom in the speech marks, and change the highlighted number. That shows you what uses that tag_ids: - in this case, 93 is Draco himself. The 93rd tag, dedicated to Draco Malfoy. Good lord, that’s insane! I guess there really weren’t many other things to prioritize at the time, but that’s still silly to me.

Fluff and Angst appears to be the fiftieth tag canonised, for comparison. Sometimes when you replace the rss feed’s ‘tag’ in the address bar it takes you to the tag’s page instead of the feed, because that tag doesn’t have an rss feed. The more you know!

Anyway, back on track: I think all of that, rss feeds, youtube analytics, fandom presence, all kind of proves my point:

Draco Malfoy is not underrated. He is, arguably, overrated as a character, but unarguably very popular within the greater Harry Potter fandom. Unpopular characters don’t tend to get paired with the lead, at the very least - and you can’t turn around in the Harry Potter fandom without seeing Drarry somewhere, can you?

[buffyfan145]

One Fine Day 3/8

Fandom: The Karate Kid, Cobra Kai, Johnny Lawrence

Rating: T

Summary: An AU of Johnny Lawrence getting his redemption much sooner and Billy Zabka gets to be the romantic lead. In 1988 former West Valley alum Laurie Thompson reunites with her high school crush Johnny Lawrence in college. Becoming his tutor the two grow close and she learns more about the real him and his side of the story. As she helps him with school she also helps him with his life and letting go of things from the past, while also falling in love. Multiple characters mentioned, others will appear. Title is the song by The Chiffons.

Author’s Note: Thanks again everyone for all the likes and reading!!! :D I’m so happy with how this story has been. Also for those wondering about why I had Johnny playing soccer it’s such a weird thing rewatching “The Karate Kid” and noticing he and all the Cobra Kai boys were also on West Valley’s soccer team, and yet the show never makes mention of it besides Johnny making fun of Tommy watching soccer. LOL :) This chapter was so fun to write and back to Laurie’s POV.

Chapter 3

Over the next couple weeks Laurie and Johnny got into a routine as they met up each Tuesday and Thursday at the library for their tutoring sessions.  She would help him with things he didn’t understand from his lectures and with his homework.  Noting he seemed to have some comprehension issues she used a technique she learned to use associations for various things.  If it was math she got to him equate it to karate or sports.  Science was a bit harder but they made progress.

It actually surprised Laurie how well Johnny and her got along.  Taken away from all the influences from their teen years he was more forward and seemed to be more confident like the old Johnny.  Playing on the soccer team must have helped too as he had a new coach and teammates in his life.

Maybe it was also with Laurie being a psych major but she could already see good changes in him.  As long as he applied himself to his school work everything would go well.

It also helped being in one of the private study rooms.  There was no librarians telling them to be quiet as the room was sound proof.  Laurie was still amazed she could even handle being in the same room with him. That crush didn’t go away and if anything it was getting stronger.  Spending all this alone time with him and seeing the real Johnny was making her fall even harder.  Deep down she knew he was kind and did care about others, he just always masked it to fit in and she loved seeing that again.

As October began he was doing much better in his classes and the soccer team was doing well, though most of campus really cared about the football team.  That particular day he came into the study room with a huge grin on his face.

“Does that mean what I think it means?”  She asked.

He handed her his paper.  “I got a B+ on the test!”

She looked at the paper and back up at him.  “Oh my God Johnny, that’s awesome!”

“I haven’t gotten a grade that good in years.”  He said in amazement as he sat down next to her.

“See, I knew you do it.”  Laurie said congratulating him.

“Thanks.”  He replied.  “We should go out and celebrate.  I know this place that had amazing hot fudge sundaes.”

She stared at him in shock.  Did he just ask her out?  He said “we” but he did well on that test and she tutored him.  It wasn’t a date.  “Yeah, I’m in.”

“Great, but I know we have to finish studying first.”  He gave her a grin.

“Of course, the semester isn’t over.”

Afterwards they went to his car, that same red car he had in high school, and he drove her a ways off campus to a diner he liked to go to.  This was the first time she’d ever been in his car and it was exactly how she pictured it.  He had rock music blasting and the windows down with his sunglasses on.  This all felt like some crazy fantasy she’d had over the years.  She actually heard him singing along on the radio and tried to hide how happy she was feeling that his was real.

He was right as after they got there the food was good and the sundaes were amazing.  She laughed at him getting a Coors Banquet though with his burger and fries while she had a Cherry Coke.  Some things never changed.

“I can’t believe how good this is.” She said eating her sundae.

“Told you.” Johnny said with that smirk again that almost killed her every time.

“I don’t think there’s a place like this back home.”

“Yeah,” he agreed.  “Have you gone back lately?”

“Just this past summer to see my parents and brothers.  I’ve lost touch with a lot of friends.”  She admitted but that’s usually how it went after high school.

He nodded a bit sad.  “Me too.  I did see Tommy and Bobby this summer. Really only go though to see my mom, preferably without my step-dad.”

She saw the look on his face, one of disgust.  “Is he bad?”

“The worst.”

“What about you dad?”  She asked curious.

“Don’t know him.”  He admitted.

“Oh, I’m sorry.”  She apologized and hoped she didn’t hit a nerve.

“It’s ok.  I never really knew him so I don’t know what I’d miss.”  He smiled a sad smile and she fought the urge in her to hug him.  There seemed to be a deep sadness in him but now wasn’t the time to pry.

“Do you keep in touch with the other guys? Besides Tommy and Bobby?”

“A little”.  He admitted.  “It is hard with all of us in different places.  They’re all doing good.  Miss hanging out with them.”

“You were always all together in school.”  She remembered watching them fondly.

“We were brothers.  Went through a lot of shit  Not just with LaRusso.”  He said and left it there.  There was something he wasn’t saying though.

“Oh Daniel.”  She said remembering that too.

“Don’t tell me you were friends?”  He said annoyed.

She laughed.  “Daniel was nice but I just knew him in passing.  And everything with your karate stuff.”  She hesitated before adding.  ‘And with Ali.”

“Yeah,” he said dejected and turned his face down to play with his spoon in the remnants of his sundae.

Laurie took a breath before saying what she wanted to.  “I never understood it.  Ali broke up with you and then got with Daniel.  You were one of the most popular boys in school and she went with him.”

Johnny looked up at her surprised.  “You didn’t like LaRusso like that?”

“What? No, he looked like he was twelve!”

They both burst out laughing at that.  “He really did look like he was twelve.”  Johnny agreed.  Then he added, “So who did you like?”

Laurie didn’t know what to say but felt a blush creep over her face as he stared at her.  Her heart was telling her to say “You!” but she said instead, “I plead the 5th.”

Johnny just laughed again and shook his head.  She had a feeling he knew the truth but thankfully he changed the subject.

[awkbo0b]

Two of a Kind:2

A/N: Thanks for everyone who is reading and thank you for the notes! I havent been active on tumblr for a while but being able to come on here and post an idea I have for a fanfic and having people actually like it warms my heart.

Summary of the first part: Mae is visiting her cousin, Tony, in Outer Banks and little does Mae know, she just ran into JJ! Here’s there link for Two of a Kind:1 if you havent read it yet.

Warnings: underage drinking, usage of drugs, swearing

~~

I join Tony who is now with a group of girls near the fire. “Hey! Hope I didn’t miss much of the party.” I mention as I take a drink of my beer. The girls all smile at me and begin to introduce themselves. I didn’t bother remembering their names since I probably won’t see them again after tonight. The conversation drifts about boys that they go to school with, who they all have crushes on, and some of their plans for the summer. I turn to look at the water to notice that some people have gone swimming. I smile to myself thinking about how beautiful it is here. 

“And Mae here is an unique artist,” my attention is pulled when I hear Tony mention my name, “ she is able to turn anything into a complex drawing. It’s truly amazing.”

I smile, “Honestly though, you should see Tony’s photos.” I try to turn to conversation away from me. As much as I love my art, talking about it isn’t something I enjoy. “She normally does landscapes like her parents, but if you put a model in front of of her,” I puff my cheeks and let out a whistle, “it’s breath taking what she can do.” as I compliment Tony I notice her tuck her hair behind her ear. “No need to act bashful T!” I exclaim. Tony raises her nose a little higher, showing her confidence. “If you haven’t seen her work yet, you are really missing out.” I finish off my beer.

“Tony, I knew you painted but how come you never mentioned photography?” The girl standing on the other side of Tony ask, she has pin straight, black hair, and is wearing glasses that look like they are from the 20′s fashion era. I glance at Tony already knowing what she is going to say.

“Well I mean, my parents both are photographers. They capture such unique angles in landscapes. And it kinda feels weird to follow in their foot steps that closely. Look at Mae,” Tony throws her arm in my direction, “her parents are sculptors and she paints and draws. Different medias.” Tony’s word slur together as she speaks.

The girl with black hair give Tony assuring smile that she understands, “I get it, girl.” Her words also slurring together then pulling Tony in for a hug. The sudden wave of emotion fills the small circle.

“Well, before I join in on the touchy feeling stuff, I’m going to grab another beer.” I inform once Tony pulls away.

“I think I better give myself a minute.” Tony hiccups and then raises her bottle, “Once I’m finish with this one of course.” The girls around us giggle and Tony does too.

“Alright dude, I’ll be back.” I make my way towards the coolers. I notice a group of people sitting on a log near the water. A small lantern is lit. I notice blondie and three others, two boys and a girl. As I continue to watch, being the creepy people watcher that I am, I begin to see that they are passing around a joint or blunt. Whatever it is, they are smoking weed.

Once I reach the coolers I come up with an idea. I grab two bottles instead of one and then turn towards blondie and his group. They are all talking and laughing at things that are said as I approach. Blondie, who is sitting on the end, shoots his head up first, then the girl who i can now see has longer curly hair. She offers a friendly smile.

“Hey, you don’t look familiar, Are you a tourist?” The girl ask, then the other two boys look in my direction too. Just as I am about to introduce myself blondie cuts in.

“She’s rude, that’s what she is,” Blondie has a playful smirk on his face. I laugh at the comment.

“I guess I’m technically a tourist, but I wouldn’t consider myself rude.” I wink towards blondie as he take a hit from the blunt, causing him to cough.

“Whoa dude, you’re coughing? who even are you?” says one of the boys as he laughs taking the blunt from blondie and takes a hit. He is wearing an unbutton shirt with a bandanna tied loosely around his neck. His hair has intense volume that would make any girl jealous.

“Shut the fuck up, just inhaled wrong.” blondie mutters still trying to catch his breathe. “And even if you are somehow not rude,” blondie’s voice still strained from the coughing but is now talking normal, “what brings you over here?” He questions me. The blunt continues down the row of friends, ending with the guy with dark chocolate skin.

“Was wondering if I could take a couple hits with you?” my voice ends with a little squeak, a littler nervous as to how blondie will react. All three friends are looking back and forth between us. I let out a small laugh. “I brought a truce,” I hold out the extra bottle of beer towards blondie.

“Hmm,” blondie pulls his hand up to cup his chin to appear as if he is really thinking hard on this one. I bite my lip starting to feel a little awkward. “Mae was your name right?” Blondie takes the bottle from my hand and pants the empty spot next to him,

“Yes, yes it is blondie.” I sit down and the friend from the end passes the blunt to me.

“For the love of god,” blondie places his elbows down on his thighs, shakes his head then looks my way, “please call me JJ.” JJ winks as I take my hit from the blunt.

“JJ it is then.” I try to say in a flirty tone. Everyone laughs and then begins to introduce themselves. I try my hardest to remember these names, because deep down I would want to see them again.

~

We finished the blunt, the boy with the crazy hair, who i think is John B, claimed he could roll the next one. Kie, the girl, and Pope, the one with chocolate brown skin, laugh at John B as he struggles.

“Come on man. I can do this shit with my eyes closed.” JJ moans throwing his hands up in the air. Another round of laughter roars from us. I remembering that I came here with Tony, who was at her drinking limit when I last saw her about  forty-five minutes ago. I look towards the bonfire to see her white dress almost glowing from the moon light. She is dancing with her group of girls, clearly have a good time. “How do you know the misfit kook?” JJ’s voice startles me, even though it was only loud enough for me to hear.

“What do you mean misfit? She seems to be fitting in fine to me.” I look towards JJ genuinely confused as to what he was meaning.

“She moved here two years ago, most of us have been here our whole lives. The kook life style is passed down from generation to generation. People who move here with kids, don’t normally end up fitting in.” JJ explained.

“I feel like I am a perfect example of that.” Kie raises her hand. “I’ve lived here for a while but never seemed to fit in, so here I am with the pogues. Plus the kook life style is too much for me.” Kie scrunches her face in disgust. I nod taking in what both of them are saying. 

“She’s my cousin, and my best friend. And I guess I’m kinda getting at what you guys are saying, but we might need to go over it again when I’m sober.” I let out a laugh, and so does everyone else.

“I like this girl.” Pope says.

“Isn’t your family some kind of artist?” John B ask.

“How would you even know, dude.” JJ sneered, earning himself the middle finger from John B.

“I think I remember Sarah mentioned it, dick head.” John responds.

“Actually yes, we are. It kinda runs through the family.” I state.

“Oh yeah, your family is the Clemonds right?” Kie ask almost jumping off the log, “my dad has some of Sadie Clemonds photos in our restaurant!”

“Yep, that’s the family name.” I give Kie a smile.

“Hold up, your whole family is just filled with artist?” JJ ask not believing it.

“Yeah, in some way, shape, or form.” I giggle.

“You’re parents are Chloe and Trenton right?” Kie is now standing she is so excited.

“Yes ma’am,” I answer.

“I would love to see their work sometime”

“I can help arrange that,” I raise my hand to give Kie knuckles.

~

A/N Hey guys thanks again for all the notes on the first part! I am adding in my author notes for the 3rd part as you read this! I guess this is a good time to say that there will be a slow burn between Mae and JJ. So I hope you all stick around long enough to see it! I’ll be adding a tag #TwoOfAKind to this one so it will be easier to find it.

This might be a little odd but if you guys have any questions about my characters ask them and i can go into more detail about it in the net part! Also if you have any request for something to happen I’m all ears!

Thanks again for reading and for all the notes, 3 part should be up soon. Please continue to like/reblog. Love you all! 

UPDATE: I HAVE MOVED THIS FANFIC TO WATTPAD, HERE IS THIS LINK! LOVE YOU ALL THANK YOU FOR TE NOTES!

[itsyuria]

Shopping trip

My first request 🥰 sorry, for only posting this now. I tried my best, little cutie 💕 Hope you'll enjoy it 🌼💗

=========================

Info: Word count: 2310

Character: 🦋 Tamaki Amajiki x (fem)Reader

It was a pretty hot day, as Tamaki silently listened to a story told by Mirio. It was way too hot to still be stuck in school, but neither of them could do anything about it. The only thing Mirio suggested was to try and go outside for a bit. They had a break right now anyways, might as well go for a little walk. “I think it’s a nice idea and you won’t have to worry, about crowds.” Mirio laughed, as the two walked on a little path outside. “W-Well…” Tamaki started “I'm…not too sure about that…I mean…the weather is so nice.” He shifted his gaze to the side “It’s more likely that people are outside…than inside…right?” 

Mirio only laughed and slammed a hand onto the back of Tamaki, which caught him a bit by surprise “Everything’s alright. Until now we didn’t see a lot of people, did we? And if you later on still feel uncomfortable, we can always just go back inside.” “Hmm…” Tamaki slowly nodded his head, as his eyes suddenly caught sight of a cute, little butterfly. His eyes lit up, while a small smile formed on his face. Mirio grinned a bit, as he watched his friend “Hey, say.” He began “Anything new between you and (f/n)?” “H-Huh?” Tamaki's eyes were suddenly wide open and his smile long gone. Now replaced with a shocked expression. “W-W-What?” he blushed a bit “What d-do you mean?” Mirio only laughed “You know~. You’re together with her now, and all. I’m just wondering how everything’s between you two?” Tamaki let his eyes move to the ground, as he shyly mumbled “W-Well… w-we picked flowers on our l-last… D-D-Date…” “Wow! Without your social anxiety?” Tamaki sighed “I-I tried… There weren’t many people…” he got silent for a bit “And…she seemed very happy…” he smiled “That’s all that’s important.”

“What’s important?” another voice suddenly interrupted the conversation between the two boys. Not surprisingly this only seemed to startle Tamaki, to which he jumped a little and quickly moved away. His eyes caught sight of you and he began to stutter, his face getting redder by the second “W-W-What? H-How? D-D-Did you h-h-hear-,” in a shy manner he tried to hide behind his hand, while he also covered his mouth with it. “Hi, (f/n).” Mirio greeted you “How are you today?” Now averting your gaze to him, you gave him a small smile “Well…guess it’s going alright. Just a little bit disappointed.” “Why’s that?” Mirio asked, as Tamaki slowly removed his hand and tried to listen to you quietly. “W-Well…” you started, as you slowly scratched your neck “I was actually really looking forward to today, because a friend of mine wanted to go and buy some new summer outfits with me…but she had to cancel last minute…” “Hmm…” Mirio let his hand move to his chin “Then just go with Tamaki! We just talked about how much he loves you!” With a shocked and embarrassed expression Tamaki stuttered “W-W-Wahh?? I-I ! Mirio? T-That's!” his eyes shyly wandered to yours. The two of you were together. But only for almost a month now. Tamaki always hoped that he would become more loose over time, but deep inside he knew that the journey to this state would need a lot more time. He first needed to overcome his fears. At least some of them. That’s what he tried to tell himself.

“I-It's alright…” you started. You knew Tamaki… and Mirio. So you knew that he tried to help his best friend a bit, even though that sometimes meant, Tamaki got pulled into things he didn’t want to do “I-I surely don’t want to force you, Amajiki. A-And it wasn’t that important anywa-,” “I’ll go with you!” Tamaki stated. A little too quickly and surprisingly louder than expected “A-Ah…I-I'm sorry… I didn’t want t-to interrupt you…” he frequently shook his hands. You on the other hand couldn’t help but form a smile “Wow! Really?” Tamaki stopped his movements and froze on the spot. You were so breathtaking… and you were his girlfriend?! He still couldn’t believe it. He would do anything for this smile “Y-Yeah! Of course. L-Let's go shopping.” He got a bit shy “My B-Bunny…” Mirio couldn’t hold back his wide grin. He was more than proud of Tamaki. And you couldn’t hold back a hug, as you jumped to Tamaki and swung your arms around him “You’re the absolute cutest!” A bit taken aback, he slowly slung his arms around you and started to smile. Only for this smile to slowly disappear again, as he was met with a tough thought. There are going to be a lot of people…

As you two arrived at the shopping center, you let your eyes drift from store to store, before you noticed how Tamaki began to shake beside you. Now your eyes were on him. You two went here after school, which meant the both of you still had time to change out of your school uniforms into something more comfortable and fitting for this type of weather. “I-Is everything alright, Amajiki-kun?” you slowly asked, as you saw how his eyes moved from you to the people walking around “W-Well…” he began and you noticed how his breath got heavier with the second. You realized that he was having a hard time and moved your hand to his. Your fingertips touching the back of his hand. Away from his thoughts for a second, Tamaki looked at your beautiful fingers. His heart began to beat even harder. He was nervous and excited at the same time. Slowly you took his hand into yours and for a moment it seemed, as if Tamaki forgot all his anxiety and worries, he once had. His eyes met yours, as his lips began to quiver, out of embarrassment. You were way too kind to him. He knew you deserved someone better. Someone who wasn't as anxious as he was. W-Why did I agree to this? I’m such a nervous wreck… I’m just preventing (f/n) from having a good time now…

“It’s alright.” You smiled “Just relax Amajiki-kun…if it’s too much for you, we can always just go home.” Tamaki couldn’t believe his ears. He was totally in love with you… Because of your kind words, he got reminded of why he was actually doing all of this. “I-I'm fine…” he mumbled, as he slowly took your hand into his “As long a-as you’re b-by my side…I-I think I can d-do this…” you blushed a little bit, as a smile made its way to your face. “J-Just…” he moved on “Just l-let us go into a shop…a-alright?” you nodded your head, while you giggled a bit “Sure.”

Finally in one of the many shops, you strolled around and started to look for a cute little summer outfit. Tamaki followed you like a little duckling, as he watched your hands search for different kind of clothes. “What...exactly are you l-looking for, (f/n)?” Tamaki questioned. He grabbed a random shirt and observed it, as he mumbled “A summer outfit…is all I know…” He looked up and slowly gave you the shirt he was holding “What about this one? I-I think white would suit you v-very well…” It fits your innocent and pure personality. “Oh, wow!” you chirped “This actually looks really nice!” you took the shirt from him “But…I’m not too sure if it will really fit me…” “Hmm?” confused Tamaki swung his gaze towards you “What do you mean?” “A-Ah…well n-nothing…” with a red face you slowly took the shirt “If…you think it’s nice…I will try it on…later.” “Yes.” Tamaki smiled shyly “C-Can I…choose something e-else for you?” Embarrassed you averted your eyes from the shirt to him “I-I…Yes…y-you can.” Unsure if that really was a good idea, you slowly began to look for other outfits again. You suddenly began to feel nervous, as your fingers trailed over all sorts of materials. You couldn’t concentrate anymore. Yes, you were looking forward to this shopping trip…but what you forgot to consider…was that you actually had to show some of the outfit to Tamaki, when you would try them on. Your good mood was thrown out the window, as you just grabbed another pair of shorts and stood there awkwardly. You waited for Tamaki to finish his search. He seemed less nervous and more excited now. He even had a small smile on his face, as he turned to you “You’re already d-done?” You simply nodded, as Tamaki handed you a few more things “M-Me too…” he shyly began to play with a few strands of his hair, as he looked to the side. He was silently hoping you would think that he’s a good boyfriend, who cares about you. He was even a bit proud of himself, that he wasn’t as nervous as he was before. The only thing that mattered to him, was you being happy.

As you two walked to the changing rooms, both of you could feel the nervous tension that started to form between you two. It was unusually empty in the changing rooms, but you didn’t complain. Neither did Tamaki. As you stepped into one of the little cabinets, Tamaki waited patiently in front of it. A little uncomfortable he started to play with his hands “D-Did you put it on, b-bunny?” You looked yourself up and down in the mirror, as your face frowned. I look absolutely hideous… Now all of a sudden very insecure about your looks and body, you quickly started to stutter “Y-Yeah, b-but i-it really doesn’t look good on me.” “A-Are you sure?” you heard him ask from the other side of the curtain. “Y-Yeah…” you stuttered “P-Pretty certain…” He was quiet for a while, before he spoke up again “D-Don't you want to show it to me?...” “I…I don’t think so…” Tamaki got a little bit sad “Well…sorry, for bothering you…” he was quiet for a while, before he mumbled “I just thought…my opinion would……never mind .” Your heart almost dropped. Damn, Tamaki! I really feel bad for being ugly, now. Against your will, you slowly opened the curtain. There he stood. The boy you were so in love with.

A bit timid, his eyes trailed from your feet to your neckline. His eyes widened a bit, as his face grew redder by the second. Within a minute he looked like a little baby tomato. He couldn’t bring himself to speak, even if he wanted to. He was just too dumbfounded. In the meantime you began to squirm uncomfortably “I-I know, i-it’s too…” you couldn’t bring yourself to finish the sentence, as you suddenly realized how Tamaki’s eyes kept staring at your exposed chest. Well…let’s say cleavage and bra. He couldn’t quite understand his thoughts nor his emotions. His breathing was heavy and he felt suddenly hotter than usual. “I-I know…my chest is probably…t-too small… It’s just…” suddenly tears began to sting your eyes, as you looked down to your exposed cleavage.

The shirt cut out was way too large and probably intended to be worn by thin and very busty girls. You on the other hand were pretty average and now felt like you weren’t enough. The feeling of your exposed legs, didn’t make you feel any better. Even though the shorts did seem to fit almost perfectly. Tamaki finally snapped out of it, as he noticed your tears “(f-f-f/n)! I-I…I'M SORRY!” In a hurry he put his hands in front of his eyes as he tried to calm his nerves “I-I don’t think y-your ch-che-…….” He began to shiver “I can’t say it!” Without a second thought you just hid behind the curtain again and furiously began to wipe your tears away “I’m sorry, Amajiki-kun. I-I really didn’t want you to see me like this. Y-You deserve way better.” You watched your reflection as you tried to pull your shirt up “I’m so ashamed of my body, I don’t ever want anybody to see me like tha-,” without you noticing, another person shyly stepped into the cabinet. The other person hugged you without hesitation. “I-I don’t want any other p-person to see you like this a-as well…” Tamaki admitted “(F/n)…you…don’t get it.” He closed his eyes, as he felt all his anxiety flow back to him “Y-Y-You're the one…t-that’s too good for me.” He felt your hands slowly move to his back, as he moved on “Your…Your body is perfect!” He took a step back, so he could lock his eyes with yours “You’re perfect in my eyes and I-I don’t ever want to see you cry. I…” he closed his eyes, out of embarrassment “I know how insecure you feel, b-but you really don’t need to feel this way. I-I will never leave you, because I really love you.” He couldn’t take it anymore, as he suddenly turned towards the corner “I’m sorry…You think I’m talking nonsense again, r-right? If you think I’m pathetic, t-that’s alright.” “Tamaki…” now it was your turn, to sooth his insecurities “I love you as well…I-I love you so much.” You hugged him from behind “Thank you…that you came here with me today…” Tamaki relaxed a little, before he turned around and locked eyes with you “You’re beautiful (f/n)…” Slowly you gave him a shy kiss “I love you Amajiki…” he blushed before he averted his gaze “L-Let’s look for another shirt…b-but…can you..perhaps…” he got silent at the end “K-Keep…the…shorts?” A bit taken aback you’re eyes drifted to your legs “My shorts?” He nodded, as his eyes followed yours “Y-Yeah…your thighs l-look really good in these…” Your face heated up, as Tamaki continued “B-But…c-could you…perhaps o-only wear them i-in front of…m-m-me?...” You gave him a shy smile, before you nodded “If it makes you happy, I will.” With a little peck on his cheek the both of you continued your little shopping trip.

[blacktotheblueside]

(Ex) Bobby

Summary: you just ready for bobby tah GO!!!! But he fine so you don’t know...

I was an actress that was challenging myself, I was obsessed with Korean dramas and wanted to play a part in one so my management brought me to South Korea around 3 years ago and in those years I was in a few kdramas, movies and in a public relationship with iKon’s one and only bobby. We’re currently broken up and it has just been released by none other than dispatch themselves, I’m sat with my management discussing how I’m gonna be bombarded with questions about my breakup and how I should handle it. I’m in a new drama as the main female lead and I’m going to be doing a ton of interviews he’s bound to be mentioned in a few.

I sigh as my team lay advice and all sorts. I’m very grateful I’ve been given this opportunity to act in Korea, I learnt the language when I first came and been working on it ever since hence why now I get more parts, this is the first time in one of the main characters. I just wanna focus on work but even while we’re broken up bobby still finds a way to be in my life.

~~~~

It’s 4am and my alarm goes off, I have sooo much schedules today. I don’t even try and dose off again like usual, I jump off the bed and get showered before my stylist arrives to dress me for the day...hair dressers, make up artist all that!

I’m dressed in a white baggy tee waiting for *KnockKnockKnock* they’re here.

We went with fresh faced makeup and my curly hair in a sleek low bun. For my outfit I’m wearing black skinny fit trousers and a white see through dress shirt, it’s baggy and it’s hanging off my shoulders teamed with a white bralette, yellow pump heels and yellow studs.

<My Schedule>

Inkigayo actor special mc w/ seo kang jun

Hello counsellor

Happy together foreigners working in korean entrainment

That’s all for today, I’m glad it was all shows where I won’t have to speak about bobby, all fun chatting.

~~~ Inkigayo ~~~

I walk through the corridor to get to my dressing room. I can speak korean but I still get so nervous before a show, I hate messing up! I have to get changed into something less formal, I go with a white dungaree dress with a pink off the shoulder top and pink high top converse. A long glittery chain for a belt and have my curls styled half up in a pony tail and the rest down my back.

I have 10 minutes left so I start making my way to the stage. I say hi at least 100 times on my way no joke, I bump into BTS on the way as the have a new comeback, I remained so calm I’m proud! I see kang Jun and we start chatting, we’ve met before at award shows and other tv shows, he tells me to not be scared and we head out and the crowd cheers!

We finish the show smoothly making me wonder why I was nervous to start with. I say bye to kang Jun and all the acts I see on my way out, bangtan we’re not there so I was a little disappointed I’m a huge fan of them. Next time I guess.

I’ve changed back into my first outfit and I’m on the way to my next schedule... I eat a famous inkigayo sandwich in the car while getting my hair re done and my make up touched up.

~~~ hello counsellor ~~~

I arrive just in time to say hi to all the hosts and guest...we make our way onto the set.

I’m a guest along with jay park and Jeonghan and scoups from svt. The boys show some of there new song. As for me they play a snippet of my new drama. They compliment my Korean a few times and ask about how I came over and started acting here.

Hello counsellor was so fun to shoot I got to role play with jay park on how to overcome an angry wife, I laughed and nearly even cried.

The show ends and I make my way to the car again. I change in the car thank God for tinted windows! I change into dark brown leather skirt and a light brown t shirt tucked in, with khaki sandal heels and earrings. My hair is in a high ponytail with my baby hairs styled (obviously by me)

~~~ happy together ~~~

This is the one I’m more excited for! I’ve always wanted to come on here. I make my way to my dressing room and now I’m already dressed and ready to go I’ve got time to kill, I am going out on a full stomach! I’m on my phone while I’m walking, my Social media all blowing up! I click on twitter to see my mentions all filled with articles of bobby.... curiosity gets the better of me, I see the headline “NETIZENS ARE QUESTIONING WHETHER iKON’S BOBBY AND ACTRESS Y/N ARE REALLY BROKEN UP AFTER BOBBY POSTS PHOTO OF A WOMAN’S SHADOW CAPTIONED WITH Y/N’S MOST FAMOUS LINE.”

I’m in the dressing room and I sit straight down before I fall or even worse get snapped looking at this!

I click the “read more” button and start skimming the article.

The picture is definitely me....what is he doing?! It was when we went on a date late at night near Han river, he snapped my shadow on the floor and the caption written in korean “it’s a butterfly”... omg it was a line from a movie I did, it was one of the highlights of the film as it was the tearjerker.

I don’t have time for this. My manager walks towards me and sits down ‘judging by your face you’ve seen the article.... don’t pay attention! Just go out there and pretend you’ve seen nothing’ he states. I nod slowly and sit there in silence, we broke up like nearly a month ago... why would he post this after not even trying to talk to me. Boys are so weird! I start playing games on my phone to take my mind off this distraction. I look at the time and see if I still have time for a snack bc of nerves, I don’t so I make my way to the couches. I stop and bow to the whole cast and sit on the seat, we’re all making small talk till it starts. In the interview they ask us foreigners about how we first came to Korea, how we learnt the language and first impressions of Korea when we first came. Another black person famous in Korea, Sam from Ghana was there we had so much in common. I laughed so much and we all had so much fun.

We spoke a bit about our work and I explained what my new drama was about and my character. We watched a little snippet again and some bloopers.

‘So y/n we hear you’re now single’ one of the hosts ask. Oh no....ok I’ve got this ‘yeah i am’ I smile acting like this isn’t bothering me at all. ‘Was that your first time dating a korean man?’ I nodded ‘it was’

Oohs and ahhs came from them all ‘so hows it different to guys back home?’ I think for a little bit ‘to be honest there’s not a lot of difference just the language difference I guess’ I say calmly. They nodded in agreement ‘were there any difficulties with the language barrier?’ I sigh to show them how exhausted I was in the beginning ‘oh yes, I couldn’t speak a lot of korean back when we first met. He could speak English though so I was good! But when I met his friends and family....’ I trail off a bit thinking about those times, No focus! ‘I was forced to speak so bit by bit I got better so it was awkward at first but it paid off in the end.... free korean lessons’ i say content with my answer. Sam pipes in ‘oh my I spent so much on korean lessons before I got into my first relationship!’ ‘Should’ve got in a relationship quicker’ I reply. We all laughed at his shocked face.

The show ends with a game where we guess a catchphrase by what the artist is drawing.

After the show me and Sam exchange numbers, he’s too funny to not have as a friend.

~~~~

I’m done for the day, I tell my manager I need food or else I’m going to collapse. We get pizza and fries, they drop me off home and I get undressed and ready for bed. I have a day off tomorrow so I planned to stay up late and watch my favourite shows but I’m exhausted. I hear my phone go off and it’s an unfamiliar number.... I pick up ‘hello?’ I hear breathing and just as I’m about to say hello again ‘hey y/n....’ bobby! After being together for so long I know his voice! After we broke up I blocked his number and got back to work... he probably changed it. ‘Hello?!’ Bobby says trying to see if I’m still there. ‘Bobby... what do you want?’ I get straight to the point, he sighs ‘y/n don’t...please... I just wanna see how you are! I watched you today on inkigayo’ is he being foreal? Calling as if we’re best friends catching up at the end of the day. ‘Bobby is there something you want?’ I’m tired ‘I-‘ I cut him off ‘I saw your Ig post, what was that for?’ I question. All I heard was silence, I had to pull the phone to my face so I could see whether the phone call had disconnected.

‘I wanted to talk to you...’ he started I stayed quiet he takes a deep breath ‘y/n I’m not gonna lie and say that this break up has been easy...’ oh no ‘...it really hasn’t! I just want you to give me...’ here he comes!!! ‘...one more chance’ he said it. I don’t know what to do, of course I still love him but we just to in love... so in love that we were just distracting each other from our jobs. ‘I... don’t think that’s the best option right now b’ I say quietly, I’m angry at him for ignoring me for so long and now he wants to pop up in his own time, when it’s convenient for him. ‘...I’m so busy these days... I don’t think I can handle a boyfriend, an ex at that.... right at this moment’ he sighs again, ‘you don’t think I’m busy too?’ He’s frustrated and quite frankly I don’t care ‘Don’t start with me bobby, you broke up with me, ignored me for how long and NOW you want me back?’ I state the facts to him. He groans ‘I know! And it was stupid of me, I made a dumb decision on impulse... and now I regret it every damn day!’

I re ask him ‘why did you upload that picture?’ ‘Because I wanted you to see it and the whole world to see that I’m not giving up on you, on our relationship! I don’t want anyone else’ my heart flutters a little and I hate him and me for being so weak to his sweet words.

‘I’ll think about it’ I tell him. ‘Don’t run and hide from me y/n!’ He says something I was sure I was gonna do ‘I won’t, I just need some time... this is too much for me’

‘I seen the trailer for your new drama.... I’ve been keeping up with you in the media, I’m proud of you’ I hear his smile through his words. I’ve been keeping up with him too, I won’t tell him that though ‘Thanks’ I whisper. After a few moments of silence ‘I’ll let you get to sleep now.... but don’t forget me, take everything I said into consideration.... I really want you back here with me baby’ omg I just want to forget everything and tell him to come here right this minute but that would be dumb. I just settle for a simple ‘ok’ we exchange good nights and I fall asleep really thinking about what’d it be like if we did get back together or were we better off separated.

Part 2 coming soon (black people timing)

[rosaguard]

summer waxes poetically about her favorite aeris gainsborough ships:

i never reblogged that five ships meme because...well i don’t have five aeris ships i care about lol. however, i was challenged(tm) so here is something close to it. i do feel like it is fitting to make this post on here since aeris was actually the first muse i truly started writing a ship on after asking someone first ( and i had been writing on tumblr for like...5 years on and off before that for context. anything before that was just..maybe flirting - nothing i felt invested in ).

aeris & happiness.

   the most important ship. the OTP. no other can compare. i think the biggest tragedy of aeris’ death is that so much was taken from her. she had so much to live for, so much to do, and her life was brutally and suddenly ripped away when she was finally getting the chance to figure herself out and rise to her full potential. i don’t want to aeris to die in the remake ( especially because everything about the whispers would’ve felt like a waste of time if nothing significant changes and aeris living is probably as significant as you can get ) but if it happens, it happens - i’ll just be really sad and disappointed by it lol. i’ve always been very clear that aeris’ death is not a bad one despite my blog canon essentially retconning it. there’s a reason she dies and it’s not to further cloud’s man pain ( he had enough of his own trauma already ); she dies because she’s a legitimate threat to sephiroth’s plans. she’s actually an example of a character death, especially a female one, done incredibly well, especially compared to SE’s recent output ( serah, luna, etc. ). also anyone who says she was created just to die is also wrong. barret was originally written to die first and they decided to change it.

    anyway, the point of me bringing all of this up is that i didn’t decide to do away with her death because i think SE sucks and they hate women. i did away with it because a lot of aeris’ character development ( her learning about the cetra at cosmo canyon, figuring out what the white materia does, etc ) is implied / off-screen since we never know her point of view and then well...she dies. i wanted to explore what her feelings would be if she woke up alive after being attacked while meteor is slowly drawing closer to the planet. how would she handle that? how would she feel? would she feel like a failure? would she be angry? what would she do after meteor is destroyed? would she travel the world? join the w.r.o? tell everyone to fuck off and then move to a cottage in the middle of nowhere and live the rest of her life in peace? these are the questions i wanted answered when i thought about aeris living. i don’t care if she ends up with cloud, or zack, or whoever because they don’t matter: aeris matters. she’s her own person with goals, desires, wishes, and more. no one talks about what she would want and do if she had lived. all people care about is what ‘man’ she belongs to as if she’s a prize to be exchanged between them.

   the second reason is simple that she fucking deserves it. she deserves it after living in a lab for 7 years and watching her mother die just trying to get her out. she deserves after having to deal with being stalked by the same company responsible for a lot of her suffering. she deserves to finally be around friends that make her feel loved, accepted, and cared for. she deserves to not feel alone, or like an outcast, or a freak because of her powers. she deserves to be able to go to icicle inn too and see footage of her father for the first time. she deserves to be able to go back to kalm and see her mom again. she deserves to live happily just like everyone else gets to do. her life has been filled with so much tragedy and pain yet she never lets it define her. she blooms in the face of adversity. she keeps smiling even up until the end of her life. she deserves happiness as her end-game and if i don’t get it in canon, i’m going to create it here myself.

aeris & cloud.

    i disliked this ship for a long time. it actually wasn’t because of the ship itself but due to some of my experiences with the shippers. i won’t go into my fandom experiences but i ran an account dedicated to ti.fa for almost six years so i’ve seen how...unpretty both sides of the 'ship war’ can get and it turned me off. a lot. when i decided to write aeris, i immediately started a replay of the the original game with an ‘aeris-lens’ ( analyzing her character, her relationships, making sure i got her date, etc. ). it made me look at her relationship with cloud in a different light since i had never really paid attention to it as heavily before since i avoided the ship tbh. i ended up enjoying their dynamic a lot. they have a natural chemistry with each other but there’s also this unspoken distance between them which is fully intentional - she has her own walls up and he has his. 

    they have a very ‘tragic love’ since well...she dies before anything can fully go to the next level. their relationship in canon is a very ‘what if’ and as a result, i often see people who don’t like the ship claim that they wouldn’t work because aeris wouldn’t be able to ‘deal’ with cloud and would’ve left. to be blunt, this a bad take considering supporting one another is prevalent throughout their relationship: 

aeris: i learned a lot. the elders taught me many things. about the cetra... and the promised land... i'm...... alone... i'm all alone now... cloud: but i'm...... we're here for you, right? aeris: i know. i know, but... i am the only...... cetra. cloud: does that mean we can't help?

cloud: ...i gave the black materia to sephiroth...? wha... what did I do... tell me, aeris. aeris: cloud... be strong, ok? He writhes and clutches his head. cloud urrrrrrgh... what have I done!? aeris: cloud... you haven't done anything. it's not your fault.

cloud: yeah, I hear you. sorry for what happened. aeris: don't worry about it. cloud: ...i can't help it... aeris: oh... then, why don't you REALLY worry about it? and let me handle sephiroth. and cloud, you take care of yourself. so you don't have a breakdown, okay?

    the remake only reinforces everything i like about their relationship: their banter is great, aeris gently takes his hand during one of his ‘moments’ and supports him, she confides in him about talking to her flowers, and he never treats her differently ( which is a big deal when just two nights before, he told someone to ‘get help’ when they claimed they could hear the planet lol ). they have so much in common as well: they both have struggled with loneliness, being an outcast, and not having a lot of friends. i’ll always find it incredibly interesting how cloud is repeatedly not invited to be apart of group functions in the remake ( he wasn’t allowed to celebrate with avalanche and had to sit outside jessie’s house as the others ate pizza ) until he met aeris and she invited him to have dinner with her and her mom. despite the ‘bodyguard’ dynamic to their relationship, they always feel like equals to me.

aeris: today’s special!!! cloud: why? aeris: because i met you, you dumb binch!!!

aeris: *says cryptic stuff and tells him that they can’t fall in love* ( i’m saying they because apparently in japanese / other languages she says ‘we can’t fall in love’, not just ‘you can’t fall in love with me’. ) cloud: uh....how about i do anyway??? also i’m saving you so...see you tomorrow at 11. bye.

me: their relationship never gets to a serious level because the opportunity was taken away from them de to unfortunate circumstances. 

also me: they’re just just...dumb and in love!!!! i’m sorry, that’s just the way it is!!!! she literally tells him that meeting him again was special to her and the silly boi doesn’t get it!!!! one of the composers of the game even said a tracks that plays with them is meant to have a romantic vibe!! when she pulls away from him, he reaches out for her because he doesn’t want her to let go!! the lyrics of hollow is literally ‘this time i’ll never LET YOU GO’ AAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!

    anyway, i’ve also noticed this weird trend in the fandom where it feels like cloud is never allowed to just has his own dedicated feelings about aeris - and i’m not even talking about romantic feelings. i feel like whenever there is talk about cloud’s relationship with za.ck or ti.fa, no one inserts aeris into it. they’re allowed to have their individual relationships with him yet with aeris it feels like you cannot talk about how much she meant to him and vice versa without other characters being thrown in. i don’t know if it’s because of shipping and people don’t want to acknowledge that like...characters can have feelings for multiple people or what but the reality is that cloud did feel something for her. she did mean a lot to him; so much so that he slept in her church two years after she was dead and went to her burial place alone. he missed her.  maybe it was just as a friend, maybe it was because of something more but i really dislike how their relationship and importance to each other, regardless of whether it’s platonic or romantic, is constantly invalidated.

aeris & gene.

     when kas / @castershot first created channels for gene and aeris in our rp server last year, i honestly did not think these two would have a serious relationship at all. i figured maybe they would have a fling or something at best / aeris would be the equivalent of a filler character in a few episodes of the show and then they would go their separate ways. ...that didn’t happen but i’m glad it didn’t! i didn’t know a gosh diddly darn thing about outlaw star but i’m very good at researching and aggressively reading wikis so i was able to whip up a verse ( and someone who watched the show thought i had actually watched it after reading my verse so i guess i did a darn good job! ). anyway, i feel like when writing aeris it’s very easy to...hmm...fall into very certain dynamics and considering gene’s line of work ( doing odd jobs, being a bodyguard for hire, a general jack of all trades ), i didn’t want it to be the ‘he’s a bodyguard, she gets protected, blah blah blah’ dynamic but in space. so their relationship ( at least in my head - there’s a lot going on in there tbh!!! ) basically became somewhat of a deconstruction of cl.erith + ( bad ) stereotypes about aeris in general:

      what if the helpless flower girl that needs saving from the big bad corporation is actually a liar who works for said corporation and was sent by them to retrieve something important(tm) and eliminate anyone that gets in her way? what if aeris, a secret member of the turks, has become so desensitized when interacting with other people since she is constantly wearing a mask and she can’t tell if she’s genuinely falling for someone or if her acting is just so good that even she can’t tell what’s real or fake anymore? what if i took all those bad takes about aeris knowing she would die, flip it, and actually make it so that she does know and still goes alone anyway because she wants to save lives for once instead of being the person who takes them away!!

me: imagine the drama!!! the angst!!! kas, casually: [redacted name b/c of spoilers] would just bring her back to life. me: WHAT?! >:(

apparently one character in the show is casually just GOD and can revive people so they can come back like:

    my bubble was BURST. dreams DASHED. plans CRUSHED. dramatics aside, i still kept the idea of her dying because i do like the take of a more secretly jaded / not as ‘pure’ aeris that works for shinra and has to basically relearn how to trust / care about others again + i live to attack kas and all of her muses. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.  anyway, the point is that i love them and they’re a dynamic i’m very invested in the more times passes. they’re both so stupid and passionate and loud ( the first in character thing i wrote when i remade this blog was them screaming at each other in an argument ) but they’re also sensitive, don’t open up to others easily, and have trauma!! oof x 100.

me: this ship won’t be serious lol the ship, months later: may or may not have a thread with them going on a date. may or may not have gone to ti.fa and cloud’s wedding together ( where kissafist’s tif.a may or may not threaten to smash his balls in if he doesn’t treat aeris right. *smash em, rip em plays in the distance as aeris aggressively laughs nervously* ), they may or may not get married and have twins that may or may not be named ren and rose. me: clown putting on make up.png

so yea, they’ve come a long way(tm).

the end.

[irondad-defensesquad]

Familiar

Fandom: MCU

Rating: T

Relationships: Tony & Peter, Tony & Jarvis

Characters: Tony Stark, Peter Parker, Edwin Jarvis (flashbacks), Pepper Potts (minor role); other characters are only mentioned

Summary: When Tony comforts Peter, his brain suddenly clicks, as if it’s remembering something that’s been lost inside him for years. Or, Tony realizes how much his relationship with Peter reminds him of Jarvis.

(AU where Thanos is defeated only a few months after Infinity War and nobody dies - except for the purple prick, of course. Tony and Pepper get married and expect Morgan. May didn’t dust and neither has everyone in Peter’s class, only a few people.)

Word count: around 6,529

Also on AO3! (separated in two chapters)

–

A/N: Heya! This MCU sideblog is kinda new, so I posted the full work here, too. I hope you guys enjoy it!

WARNINGS - mentioned child abuse, alcoholism and character death.

Tony knows something is up with the kid.

Having known Peter for a couple of years now, the teenager is prone to bottling things up. It started off with wounds, which were easily detected by his suit. Following that, Tony would find out he had the same coping mechanism when it came to things that deeply, mentally affected him; and that is harder when you’re unable to get reports on someone’s emotional well-being.

Peter hasn’t been out as Spider-Man as often. Tony has somewhat expected it after bringing the kid and everyone back, but it doesn’t help that the kid rarely answers his calls now. When he does, Peter comes with excuses not to come visit him, arguing he has his own life to get through, which Tony understands at first, but then Peter straight up ignores him, and the man becomes skeptical and worried. He even goes to the point of calling May, who only tells him that her nephew has grown a bit distant overall.

It takes two or three months for Peter to come visit at all, and it’s pretty much thanks to his aunt, who finally convinced him to sleep over there since she would have to work on helping the people affected by the Snap. Happy picks him up, almost bringing Tony to the good old days when Peter used to come by the compound… he can’t help the reminiscent feeling.

Pepper snaps him out of it with her sweet, concerned voice. Her hand is carefully placed on his knee, caressing it with the most gentleness.

“He’s coming now, Tony,” She reassures him, as if reading him like he’s an open book. “You don’t have to be worried.”

Tony sighs. “I couldn’t even get him to come here by himself, Pep… what can I do?”

“You have to be patient with him, honey. Peter has been through a lot… he’ll tell you once you make it clear that it’s okay.”

He doesn’t reply then, as she gives him a supportive smile. Tony tries to believe that’s how it’s going to work out, so he returns the gesture and holds her hand. His eyes gaze at Pepper with adoration and sheer joy of expecting their child.

(He won’t admit out loud that there’s fear somewhere inside him, too, despite having literally dreamed about it and becoming so enthusiastic after. Not only was his father the worst role model, there was… also the guilt of Peter dying in his arms, as Tony couldn’t do anything. Nightmares would still haunt him to no end.)

It takes Tony another moment to return to reality when Happy arrives with Peter. The head of security has a rather uneasy and concerned expression on his face, silently telling Tony that the kid is acting off. The older man doesn’t have to take another minute to confirm it as Peter barely looks at him and Pepper in the eye when they greet the teenager.

Being the great people he could’ve asked for, Pepper and Happy make up the excuse they needed to get something heavy inside the house. They disappear quickly before Peter can protest. It’s probably the first time they’re alone in such a long time.

“So, uh, wanna get inside?” Tony proposes. “Or do you want to sit out here for a bit?” He presents the chairs standing in the porch.

Peter simply shrugs and sits in one of them, refusing to look at the man as the stubborn boy that he is.

“How have you been, kiddo? Has school been tough?” He asks nonchalantly, only to get no response.

Tony really wants to be patient with him like Pepper suggested, but he’s had it. The kid hasn’t talked to him properly in freaking months, has only ignored him. It’s obvious that something is wrong, and all Tony did was give it time. He’s given enough time, more than enough.

“Kid,” The man stands on his knees in front of him. “Pete?”

Peter turns his head away, only the dead silence replies.

“Peter, you’ve been away for months now and you’re not going to tell me anything?” Tony insists.

“No.” The kid’s voice is the quietest he’s heard, beating it to when Peter said I’m sorry before he faded away with the wind.

“And why is that?”

Nothing. Tony sighs, almost groans.

“I know there’s something wrong, Peter. You don’t have to hide it from me. You’ve been ignoring my calls and texts all over. Your aunt noticed you’ve been quiet, too,” Tony explains. Having no reply, his voice lowers, “Jesus, kid, I’m- I’m really worried about you. Why won’t you talk to me?”

The question makes Peter shift to anxious and guilty, yet it doesn’t convince him to talk. No, it makes the kid more stressed, as his hands are visibly shaking.

“You know you can trust me, right? I… Kid, I care about you, so much. You’re so important to me.” Tony almost feels hurt that Peter seems to not believe it. Has he not made it clear before?

The man reaches the boy’s hand, grabs it gently. “Pete. Please look at me.” At Tony’s pleading tone, Peter hesitantly raises his head, revealing unshed, repressed tears. “You can tell me anything – anything that’s hurting you. I won’t think any less of you.”

Tony doesn’t take the eyes off the kid, who’s unable to contain the following sniffs that escape. The older absolutely hates seeing Peter in this state, but it’s worse when he thinks just for how long he’s been bottling it up.

“I-I don’t- I c-can’t fit in, Mister Stark,” Peter whispers.

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t fit in! I-It’s only been months and- and everything feels so different, Mister Stark! I don’t- I don’t know how to explain and it’s frustrating, like—” Peter sobs. “E-Everyone is just acting like n-nothing happened. And I’m here, still remembering every single detail. Still feeling myself disappear. I can feel everything, and I c-can’t forget.”

Tony’s heart breaks. “Peter…” He holds his hand tighter.

“May’s found someone, my classmates aren’t always there… Ned and MJ were dusted, too, but they have their own lives, too. A-And you, you got married… you’re gonna have a kid…” Peter’s eyes are fully red, tears falling nonstop. “Everyone is moving on but I’m still here… fearing I’m gonna disappear again.”

He takes a while to reply. Tony blinks his own tears again, as his hand reaches Peter’s cheek.

“Oh, Pete…”

“I just- I get it, y’know. I’ve never been a normal kid. Now it’s pretty much worse and I’m trying to accept that, too. That I’ll never fit in. I want everyone to be happy. I w-want…” Peter sniffs. “I want you to be happy, too. You have your own family. Y-You don’t have to babysit me anymore.”

“No, Peter—”

“It’s okay, Mister Stark. I-I’ve always been different- I’ve always been a freak—”

“For fuck’s sake, kid, that’s not true,” Tony snaps for once, immediately toning down as he feels Peter flinching. His own dark eyes are burning now. “You’re not a freak, you’re- you’re my family, too.”

He places both hands on Peter’s shoulders firmly and doesn’t look away, ever.

“Peter, you’ll always fit in my life. And in May’s life, and your friends’. I want you to be here. You’re my kid, you’ve- you’ve always been my kid, and nothing will ever change that, okay? Nothing.”

“But—”

“I mean it, Pete. Do you have any idea how much I missed you? Do you know how fucking horrifying it was to watch you die in my arms? It was hell without you, all those months…” Tony’s own tears start falling. “It was killing me, Peter. May couldn’t handle it, either.”

The teen grows quiet again. Tony starts drying some of his tears with one of his hands.

“You don’t… you don’t get it, everyone’s just acting like things are fine and I just c-can’t forget what happened.”

“It’s okay if you don’t feel okay. You’ve been through so much, Pete… everyone copes differently, you’re not forced to act like everyone else does. You shouldn’t bottle it up.”

There’s silence between them for a couple of minutes before Peter hesitantly speaks up again.

“B-But what if… what if everyone gives up on me?” He wonders, absolutely frightened, despite his whispering tone. Just those words manage to destroy Tony inside more.

“That’s never going to happen, not in a million years. We love you, kid. I love you so much you have no idea.”

Peter only cries more, and Tony finally hugs him. The teen sobs in his shoulder, breaks down hard as the man holds him, putting one of his hands in the kid’s brown curls while the other soothes his back. Tony can’t help letting out shaky breaths in the meantime, but he’s still firm in his grip, grounding the kid, reminding him of the unconditional love he has for him.

Knowing Peter, the teenager will need the reassurances over and over again, and Tony is going to do that every single day if necessary.

When the boy’s sobs start quieting down, the man plants a kiss against his cheek and squeezes him, unable to contain his tears. Tony pulls him away only slightly, still holding him by his arms and keeping him close.

“We’ll get through this, okay? I’m never giving up on you, kid,” He reassures, sighing deeply while Peter is able to breathe slowly. “I will always stand by your side.”

Peter, teary-eyed, looks at him with certain doubt. “Always?”

“Always.”

The teen jumps in his arms again, only for… for something to catch Tony off guard. There’s something like… like a click. In Tony’s mind, that is.

He freezes for a moment, but he cannot refuse to comfort Peter again. The mechanic mumbles soothing nonsense, only for him to become silent as his attention shifts… to somewhere else.

This moment, he realizes… it feels like a deja vú. Except it’s not actually a deja vú. If that makes sense.

It doesn’t help that Peter notices when they finally face one another – or at least when the kid looks at him, since Tony is facing the nature around them, not quite focusing on the trees themselves.

“Are you okay?” Peter asks, taking him out of the trance.

“Wh- of course, kiddo. You shouldn’t worry about me.”

He doesn’t look convinced. Tony almost feels hypocritical now, not wanting to worry the kid with some weird impression he has. But how can he explain when it doesn’t even make sense to himself?

Before Peter can question him again, Pepper and Happy are back there. The latter tells them he should get back to the city and the former offers them to come inside and get themselves something to eat. Peter finally looks a little excited, maybe because he might be hungry, so he no longer focuses on Tony, or so he hopes. The kid isn’t stupid.

Pepper and Peter get to the kitchen first, especially as the teen offers to help her. Tony doesn’t follow them immediately, facing the wooden walls of the house. Words fly around and replay in his brain, somehow in different voices other than Peter’s and Tony’s.

It’s almost like Tony has actually heard them. Somewhere, a long time ago…

It might be a lost memory. It sounds so familiar. Why is it?

He doesn’t think about it now as Pepper calls for him. Tony shakes his head and is able to put on a mask for the meantime.

(Yet not for a moment does he try to stop struggling to remember.)

 It comes to him at night. If anything, it’s nothing more than a mere glimpse.

Everything is mostly blurry. He can recognize old colors, that remind him of a distant past. Of a familiar face. One so important and meaningful that has craved a place in his heart. He can’t put his finger on it, however.

He hears silent crying. Feels warmth wrapping around his body. Arms that feel like… like home.

I will always stand by your side. The voice says, in a memorable accent.

A-Always? It’s a tiny, young one that asks.

Always, Tony.

Tony wakes up with actual tears in his eyes. He’s not scared, but… it’s something strong regardless.

It was an actual memory. If it weren’t, he wouldn’t have gotten so shaken.

He… He wants to understand. He wants to remember.

As a result, he doesn’t fall asleep again. No, he ends up going downstairs. Tony doesn’t think too straight, so next thing he knows, he’s somehow inside the garage. To find answers.

B.A.R.F was created to recount traumatic experiences, change them, give him some comfort. It was his own therapy method for quite some time after he’d developed it. Tony hasn’t used it in a long time, though, but he still remembered to implement it in his E.D.I.T.H glasses (… which might have its name changed now that the big battle is over).

Today, he doesn’t mean to use it to change something in his past. This time, he wants… he wants to activate his brain, somehow. He’s still trying to make sense of the flashback he had. More and more words fly here and there, and he knows there’s something meaningful about them, about the memory he’s striving so hard to clear it up. It’s too bad that he can’t rationalize.

He keeps feeling the same pain and warmth from that moment. He remembers his frustration. He knows it’s from his distant past, long before Tony was known as the genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist persona. It’s a part of his life that the Stark has forced himself to repress, to the point where it’s still affecting him now.

Now that he has the glasses, parts of the memory are coming to life, right there in his garage. There are the same colors he’s seen. Dark red that reminds him of blood, of violent words and remarks. The sunset outside, a rather beautiful and tear-jerking sight. Frustrated yelling, except Tony can’t understand any of it. In contrast, there’s another calm voice that tries to reason with it.

Tony knows he’s going to feel even more fucked up. Almost nothing about his past leaves him at peace. It always comes back to haunt him with the same questionings about himself. He partly blames the media for getting literally anything from his life and making a huge deal about it, despite having become familiar with being such a recognizable figure.

He doesn’t want it to matter now. He wants to understand what happened. There are memories that may never come to the surface, thanks to the long-term trauma. A mechanism his body has developed all those years, long before the occupational hazard that is to be a hero.

Tony is sure he’s on the verge of breaking down as he tries to force it to come out. No, it’s not working. He shouldn’t do it this way. Shouldn’t yell at his oppressed, younger self that’s never been truly gone. That’s been quiet, in an inner coma, suffering all at same.

He should be… patient. Suddenly, Pepper’s words come to him again.

You have to be patient with him, honey. Peter has been through a lot… he’ll tell you once you make it clear that it’s okay.

He takes comfort in them. He should… give himself time.

It’s okay, he tells himself. It’s okay. You don’t have to come out now, but you don’t have to be afraid. You’re… You’re safe.

In response, Tony is able to breathe again. He tries not to focus on what B.A.R.F is up to.

You’re safe, he repeats again, and again. He closes his eyes and relaxes, at last.

He… lets it flow.

(Distantly, it kind of reminds him of that movie with the cartoon panda achieving inner peace. He must have seen it with Peter one time. It feels like decades ago.)

In. Out.

In. Out.

In. Out…

When he opens his eyes, he’s no longer in the garage.

Rather than the cozy wood, it’s a wide room with dark red walls. Tony recognizes it to be the living room of the Stark mansion. He’s been so used to the lake house that he forgot just how big (and empty) everything was. Sunshine rays enter the residence, it’s a rather beautiful day.

In contrast, there’s the yelling again. Fighting. The bright blue pixel figures slowly come to surface. One he acknowledges to be himself. Young Tony seems to be at least 15, as he’s already wearing one of his old MIT hoodies. The other person turns out to be Jarvis, who still has his fancy, black suit.

The two are arguing. A very rare occasion to happen. They never got into a bad argument, not like Tony and Howard constantly did. Though, if anything, Tony is the one yelling. Jarvis calmly tries to get to him, which makes the teenager behave worse.

“You don’t GET IT, Jarvis!” The boy screams. “I don’t fit in anywhere! Not in MIT and certainly not in my own home! My parents send me away whenever they have the fucking chance!”

“Master, they only… they only mean to do the best—”

“DON’T YOU DARE DEFEND THEM! You hear them say that yourself! They don’t want me around, n-nobody wants me around.” Tony’s voice is angry, furious, yet it’s dangerously close to break in tears that threaten to fall. When he was young and more emotionally unstable, he’s not yet learned to keep on a mask. That would happen after MIT. “Nobody gets it, Jarvis. I’m… I’m never going to be normal. I’m a Stark. I’m supposed to be great, but I’m… not.”

Present Tony feels the words stinging in his heart. The look on Jarvis’ face only makes it harder to watch, to listen. He doesn’t repress it again, though. It’s too late to go back.

“Mom and Dad gave up on me when I was fucking six, Jarvis,” Young Tony hisses, words poisoned with disgust. “They barely let me get home now. And when I am here, they never want to see me. They’re ashamed of me.”

The boy’s eyes only grow deeper as he continues, “I w-want to believe you, Jarvis… I want to believe Mom, that she and Dad… that they love me, but it’s- I’m not that fucking stupid, okay? No matter how hard I try to be better, I’ll never be good enough. No matter how many stupid robots and engines I build, that’s never going to change.”

(Present Tony feels it. The shame. The disappointment in himself. It was never truly gone, was it?)

“I don’t… I don’t blame people for feeling ashamed of me. For thinking so little of me.” The teenager’s voice breaks in sobs. “I-I know I’m a fucking freak. Okay? I get it. I’ll never be normal. And… you know what? You don’t- you don’t have to keep babysitting me anymore, Jarvis, you can- you can just leave me, too. Y-You have your family to get back, you should be with them. I’m not worth it.”

Jarvis is silent. He’s completely torn, heartbroken.

(Tony almost wishes he could never remember the look on the man’s face.)

“Maybe Howard was right,” Young Tony says bitterly. “I’ll never be someone anyone can be proud of.”

The teenager weeps and falls to his knees. Present Tony only stands there, unable to see the look on Jarvis’ face as he stares at his younger self. Tears creep in his own eyes, the speech getting through his heart, ripping it to a million pieces again.

(He hates that he still feels like Young Tony to this day. Feeling useless at the battle against Thanos. Helpless as he watched Peter die. Failing to save half of the universe. Watching the world still falling apart, despite everyone getting back. Expecting his child, Morgan, to arrive and fearing he’ll fuck her up, too.)

Present Tony doesn’t say a thing. The silence that follows in the scene almost drowns, suffocates him.

It’s a long time before he hears slow footsteps coming to him. His teenage self, that is. It’s then that Jarvis wraps his arms around the young boy. The Present Stark can feel its affection from there.

(He faintly feels what teenage Tony must be feeling right now. Having always wondering how a hug from Jarvis felt like. It’s something he never admitted to himself until maybe that moment and right now, years later. Tony can even smell the butler’s cologne and it’s so much like home.)

Young Tony freezes; stiffens his body while Jarvis welcomes him in his embrace. The butler places a hand behind his head, touches his dark hair so caringly that Tony finally gives in – he downright melts.

“I’m… I’m very sorry. For making you believe all of this.” Jarvis sighs. “I will not defend them – and not him ever again, because he is wrong. For a so-called genius, he knows nothing about you. I have not known a boy as intelligent and as good-hearted as yourself.”

The younger makes no noises nor moves while the older continues, “You have already changed the world… and you will make it much better, because you are going to be greater than he could ever be.”

“Jarvis…” He whispers. “I…”

Present Tony can tell he wants to say I love you. But he doesn’t. He’s too shocked, too broken to say it; but Jarvis seems to hear it anyway. The butler soothes him as he leans his chin against the top of Tony’s head.

“I am very proud of you.” The man speaks, with the most sincerity he’s heard. It might be the most genuine and positive thing anyone told the fifteen-year-old in more than a decade.

Jarvis gently pulls him away, faces still close and he gazes at him with unconditional love.

“I will always stand by your side.”

“A-Always?”

He doesn’t hesitate. God, Jarvis smiles fondly at the hurt boy. “Always, Tony.”

It’s the first time Jarvis calls him that. He’s not Master Tony. From the sound of it, he has never been just Master Tony to the man. He’s always… been family. Just like that, the teenager sobs even harder, only to be protected by Jarvis’ arms again. The crying echoes in the living room, and so the sun illuminates them both.

“M-Mister Stark?”

Tony doesn’t startle up, even though he was entirely integrated. He partly turns around, finding Peter, his curly hair the biggest mess he’s seen. Were it not for the situation the teen finds him, Tony would have squished the kid for how freaking adorable he is.

“I-I’m sorry, I uh- I heard you wake up and you- you just rushed out here and I got w-worried, so I followed you and… I kinda saw some of that. Sorry,” Peter rambles. “Are you okay, though?”

Despite the tear that rolls down Tony’s face, the man nods. “I’m fine, Pete. Sorry for scaring ya… there was something that wouldn’t leave me be. Not the first time that happens,” He shrugs, which doesn’t really soothe Peter. Tony then admits, “But it was… different this time.”

The boy’s puppy eyes shyly glance at the projection of B.A.R.F, which hasn’t faded away. It’s paused like a Youtube video, so it has stopped by Tony having a full crying attack while Jarvis holds him.

“Who’s… W-Who’s Jarvis?” Peter asks.

Tony is almost shocked to realize that he’s… he’s never talked about the butler before. Well, he never opened up much about his past, but the kid is already aware that Howard wasn’t the best father in the world. The billionaire would have, maybe, if he had the A.I., but much like its inspirational muse, it was… gone, for good. Remembering what happened to Vision makes Tony’s heart drop more.

“He was… like a father to me. When my old man couldn’t be.” He swallows a lump in his throat. Tony ends up gazing at the projection of his own father figure. His real one. “You know I wasn’t in a good place before… but Jarvis was always there to take care of me. He never stopped, not for once, until he passed away.”

From the corner of his eye, Peter nods in silence. Tony doesn’t mind that he hasn’t stopped crying quietly himself. He just lets it all go. As he gazes at the image in front of them, guilt fills Tony’s heart. Certain… fear of letting people down. It’s a feeling he honestly only felt when he was a kid. Maybe, it’s there whenever he remembers Yinsen, whose advice Tony never once forgot. But now that he truly remembers this argument with Jarvis, it makes him feel worse. Makes him feel like he’s been… ungrateful to his father figure – forgetting him.

Part of Tony remarks that he couldn’t remember this, it is his coping mechanism, whether he likes it or not. Still… he can’t help feeling terrible about it. He hates that he ever developed that method.

“What’s wrong?” Peter isn’t dumb to ignore the look on his face. This kid… he’s too good.

Tony sighs in fondness, looking at Peter briefly with a sad smile before resuming to Jarvis. How sweet of a man the butler was… to the freaking mess that younger Tony was.

“Just feeling nostalgic is all.”

It’s true; B.A.R.F reacts to what his brain is currently thinking. The scenario changes to what was Tony’s bedroom, as huge as the rest of the mansion was. An even younger Tony Stark, probably seven or eight, fixing a little electronic car toy that he built. Jarvis is standing next to him, watching with clear interest.

“Look, Jarvis! I think I got it!” Little Tony claims, very proud of himself.

“I knew you could repair it, Master Tony.” Jarvis smiles. “Let’s put it in action, shall we?”

Following that, they test the car, that runs at full speed while the child controls it. Tony is having the time of his life and the other is satisfied.

“Look at it go,” Jarvis says in his same tone, not taking the smile off his face.

Another memory replaces it. Little Tony hesitantly enters a room, crying and hugging himself. There are plenty of bruises in his arms, from what they can gather from the rare lighting from the night outside.

“J-Jarvis?” He calls, vulnerable.

The butler wastes no time to get there.

“H-H-He got m-mad that I w-was- was p-playing with the…” Tony tries to explain it but is interrupted.

“Shhh… you don’t need to explain it.” The man carefully holds his hands. “I will take care of this, alright?”

Tony nods. “I-I don’t like it when he drinks… h-he gets really worse.”

Jarvis sighs. “Neither do I. But you are safe now. Once I get you cleaned up, I could tell you a story. What do you think?”

“I like stories. C-Could I… have some some chocolate milk, too?”

“Of course.”

There are others to come. Jarvis greeting a younger Tony whenever he gets home. Jarvis comforting him after a nightmare. Tony shyly giving him a hand-made Happy Butler’s Day card one time when he found out that day existed, since he… he never had the courage to do the same when it was Father’s Day. Not even when it was just Jarvis and Tony after Howard and Maria died.

The unpleasant memories of that time are projected by B.A.R.F, too. A nineteen or twenty-year-old Tony Stark coming home drunk with some random lady. Jarvis isn’t looking pleased, but he could never be angry. He’s just worried.

“Ah, beat it, Jarvis,” Tony groans. “Don’t need to baby me anymore. See?” He smirks at the lady that playfully threatens to bite him.

“Sir, this is getting too far.”

“Sheesh, can’t I have some fun? C’mon. You would like that too, old man. Next time, I’m gonna bring you a lil’ friend.”

Jarvis can only sigh. Tony scoffs, “Alright, whatever, we’re going to bed. See ya.”

“Let me assist you—”

“Hey- Hey! Leave it, okay?” He almost slaps the other’s hands away. “Ugh, Jarvis. I can handle stuff on my own. Don’t need any diapers. See?” Tony kisses the girl passionately. When he finishes, he says, breathlessly, “I’m a big man now.”

The butler doesn’t protest, if not for a pained look. “Of course.”

The drunk young man stumbles to his room with the girl, leaving Jarvis on his own. The man was old, nearing the end of his life and yet he still insisted to take care of Tony, even if he was nothing more than some stupid piece of shit that always disappeared in parties, coming back with random girls every night he came back.

Current Tony is silent when the last memory comes. He’s at some other event, some party at Stark Industries. Obadiah brought him to meet some of his co-workers and stuff. Tony is having the time of his life when someone rushes to him; one… one of the housekeepers that sometimes helped Jarvis at home.

“Mister Stark,” She tries to get to him.

“Marisa! What’re you doing here? You’ve come to join us?” Tony laughs with the others, but she looks serious.

“Tony, this is no time for partying.” When she calls him Tony, that’s when something is wrong. His face almost falls.

“Shit, you’re scaring me; what happened?”

“It’s… It’s Jarvis, he’s…”

What she says next isn��t heard, as Tony doesn’t remember. The look on the twenty-one-year-old says otherwise. Next, he’s at the hospital. Awaiting with Obadiah by his side, he’s insisted to come.

When the nurse comes out, she has a heartbroken look on her face.

“How is he? Is he okay?” Tony already throws a bunch of questions, even though her expression… it tells him everything. He can’t accept it.

“No. No, c-c’mon. Jarvis is the strongest person I know, he can’t… he can’t just…!”

He doesn’t finish the sentence. The nurse lowers her head. “I’m very sorry. We tried everything we could. I’m sure he tried, too.”

Tony doesn’t cry; he straight up faints. The alcohol must have worsened it. When he awakes, they’re alone at the corridor and he begs Obadiah to assure him that Jarvis is fine. He hopes his butler rushes to see him, so they could go home, watch the genius build something, play a game, do anything.

He couldn’t be more wrong. The now older Stark almost feels disgusted as his younger self craves Obadiah’s comfort, but well. He couldn’t have known.

“He can’t die, Obie,” Projection Tony whispers, only to raise his voice. “H-He can’t die. He can’t leave me, too!”

Finally, the man removes the E.D.I.T.H glasses. The whole hospital ambience disappears and they’re both back at the same old garage. Everything feels so small now. So crushing, all this knowledge.

He almost forgets Peter is there at all. The teen saw everything… all the details. Tony didn’t want to hide anything from him, not anymore. On the other hand, he also regrets it when he sees Peter’s sorrowful gaze. Shit, it’s too much for him.

Tony looks away in shame and regret. “Yeah. Now you get why I don’t talk about that past stuff with anyone,” He jokes darkly. He sighs and tries again. “I’m sorry you had to see all that.”

Peter looks a minute away from crying with him, but he takes a deep breath and replies, quietly, “It’s okay.”

The mechanic holds the glasses like they’re going to break at one touch. He puts them away where they were, by the desk with everything else he kept there. Tony resumes to the same spot he was, no longer seeing the projections, just his adapted workshop. Everything is very quiet now, not even the crickets outside can be heard.

(It felt like his house after Jarvis was gone. Tony would barely be there, drowning himself in every drink he found at bars.)

“He died before I could say I was sorry.” Tony whispers. “I… I forgot what he told me. That he believed in me. And after my parents died… I just stopped caring, for good. But he didn’t stop caring about me and…” His lips are quivering. “He was gone before I could realize it. Before I could b-be better.”

Peter takes one step. “Tony…”

Tony now stares at his own feet, the tears making it to the wooden floor. He realizes he doesn’t have any socks warming the former. “He… never gave up on me. But he knew I was ruining my life. I… I let him down. Really bad.”

He can hear Peter stopping. He knows the kid is closer, but he doesn’t have the courage to approach. Maybe it’s the right thing to do. Tony feels like the worst person in the world now. God, he’s fucked up so many damn times.

The broken man is silent for dreadful and long minutes, Peter not getting any closer, nor saying a thing, either. Tony’s hands are shaking.

“I just… I wonder if…” His breath trembles. “I-If he could come back and see me one last time… wh- what would he think of me now?”

He doesn’t expect an answer. Or, he might know it. It might not be too pretty.

Tony embraces the dead silence. At least, before he’s embraced by two arms from behind.

“I-I… I think you’re pretty great, Tony,” Peter gulps, clearly crying. “You grew so much, you became a hero. You saved the universe, you… you saved me.”

Tony’s mouth opens but nothing comes out. Especially not when the boy hugging him, desperate to reassure him, continues with a whisper full of intensity, “You changed the world, just like he said. He would be so proud of you, Tony. We all are.”

That’s enough to break the elder. Tony sobs, his own hands reaching Peter’s arms and squeezing them. For once, he turns around and hugs his kid tightly again. They stand there for an eternity, ugly crying, repeating reassuring words.

“I love you. I love you.” Peter repeats, each time with more sincerity than the last.

“God, I love you too, kiddo.”

(He hopes he can feel Jarvis’ presence there, too. Even if that’s technically impossible. Jarvis never left his heart, after all. Tony promises he will stop hiding it. He’ll make sure to tell Morgan about the man, too. He was his hero. He just wishes he could have actually realized it sooner.)

Finally, Tony leaves one last breath before pulling away from the crushing hug. He still holds Peter’s arms affectionately.

“Thanks, Pete. I needed that in this moment of catharsis,” He tries to joke, getting a little smile out of the kid.

“Are you okay now?”

“Never been better.”

Peter nods. Tony wonders what they can do, seeing as it it’s so late in the night. They both have terrible sleeping habits, he’s afraid.

“Let’s get outta here, yeah?” The older suggests. “How about we see a movie? I miss late movie night.” He puts an arm around Peter’s shoulder, guiding them both out of the garage and closing the door behind them with his spare hand. “Remember we used to put on Star Wars for the hundredth time when you couldn’t sleep?”

Peter snorts. “Y-Yeah, that would be cool. Any suggestions? Would be nice to pick something different.”

Tony hums and thinks for a while… then he has it. “I remembered this one… you know that, uh, that panda that learned to gain some inner peace or something? And he did those moves with the water?”

“You mean Kung Fu Panda?”

“Yeah, that’s the one! I suddenly remembered it today. Thought of refreshing my memory.”

“Oh, cool. That’s the second Kung Fu Panda movie, by the way. The best one in the series, to be fair.”

“Of course.” Tony smiles as they reach the house and get to the living room. The lights are dimly on, thanks to his instructions to F.R.I.D.A.Y.

They both stay awake until the movie ends. Doesn’t take long for the two to fall asleep right there and warm themselves up with the blanket Tony grabbed. They snuggle against one another, safe with each other’s company.

He missed this.

When he falls asleep, though, he remembers Jarvis tucking him in to bed one night. Like every other night, Maria is at a business trip and Howard just isolated himself somewhere in the mansion.

“Tell me that story, Jarvis! You promised!!” The enthusiastic, small Tony demands.

“Very well. Once upon a time, a very stubborn little man went to bed… the end.”

Tony groans. “That’s a horrible story!”

Jarvis openly laughs that time. He is usually contained, being affectionate in his own way, and much better than his father, that’s for sure. Still… it’s nice to hear it.

“Do not worry, Master, I have many other ones like that. You will learn to appreciate true art.”

“Noooo, I know you have better ones, Jarvis!”

“Oh no, you have discovered my secret.”

“Tell meeee,” Tony whines.

“Very well. Can’t say no to that face.” Jarvis dramatically sounds defeated, making Tony giggle. He then sounds serious again. “Once upon a time, there was a very smart boy who created amazing inventions. He had a room full of them, but he had to hide; for his intelligence was misjudged by the mean people of the village. His father would not give much support, either; but the boy was fearless.” Tony’s eyes brightened up as the man continued, “He went outside and helped everyone with their problems. Built stronger homes, vehicles, all constructions you could imagine… and one day…”

Jarvis grabs the little metal man Tony built when he was six, which sitting on his bedside table.

“… He discovered how to fly. He created magnificent wings and flew by his village. The people saw him as their hero… and they had hopes. For the little boy, now a grown man, changed their world and would continue to change every other place he went, making the whole world a better place. The end.”

Tony blinks in awe. “Woah…”

“Did you like it? I personally prefer the one of the boy going to bed, though,” Jarvis teases, the boy rolling his eyes as a response.

“I loved it,” Tony answers, clearly flustered.

Jarvis smiled at him for a couple of minutes. Then, he would stand up and say, “Very well. It is time to sleep, Master Tony.”

“Okay.” The boy yawned, feeling the exhaustion coming to him. A gentle hand is placed by his leg. “Good night, Jarvis.”

“Good night. You can call me if you need anything.”

Once Jarvis turned off the lamp, Tony closed his eyes, faintly hearing the butler close the door in the distance.

When Tony opens his eyes again, he’s flying in the blue sky. Flying to the horizon ahead of him. Knowing the people down there are counting on him. They are proud of him. They’re their hero.

Somewhere down there, he knows his family is there rooting for him. Peter, Pepper, his little Morgan, Rhodey… and Jarvis is there, too, smiling with pride.

[ifyoucouldholdme]

Movie Nights with Trashmouth Chapter 4

Word Count: 1467

Pairing: Bichie, Bill/Richie

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3

Read on AO3

“Billy boy, Big Bill, Billiam Tell Overture! What’s good, Daddy-O?” the babbling voice incoherently burst from Bill’s phone. He nearly dropped it from the painful shock of Richie’s piercing prattling.                “S-shit, Richie, that was lame even for y-you,” he chuckled through a grimace. Richie groaned through the line, his amateur dramatics on full display. “I expect that kind of attack on my character from our Eds, but not from my dear, sweet Bill.” Heat flushed Bill’s cheeks and swirled in his chest at the pet name. ‘My dear, sweet Bill.’ He called me his.

“Did I lose you?”

Snap out of it, Denbrough. Play it cool. “S-sorry. B-bad service out here. You r-ready for our m-m-movie night?”

“Uh, yeah. I’m just—” A violent crash cut off his reply.

“R-Richie, are you ok?”

“Yeah,” he groaned, “just setting up the movies.”

“I can’t w-wait to see what you picked.” It was only a half lie. While their taste in genre did overlap, Richie tended to favor “so bad, they’re good” monster flicks or movies he could easily make fun of while showing off their extreme atrocity. Bill preferred films with some degree of artistic merit, even if they wouldn’t widely be loved. This particular viewing deserved a bit more lenience, since Bill would most likely not be giving the television his full attention anyway.

“Oh yeah, I definitely got some epic winners.”

“Some epic w-winners for the L-Losers?” Bill quipped. A choked snort blew through the line, followed by what faintly sounded like rain. Running water, maybe? “D-do you want me to bring a-anything?”

“Nah, just get your cute buns over here, and let’s start this marathon!” Bill squeaked, and Richie went uncharacteristically quiet. The water noise ran, matching the blood rushing in Bill’s ears. “Uh…” Richie finally muttered. “Popcorn’s burning, gotta go, bye!” The phone clicked, and the sound ended.

What was it Eddie said before? It might not be a romantic date? But Richie just called his “buns” cute. That’s not something you say to just a friend. Heat boiled in his gut and his groin at the thought of Richie’s eyes wandering across his backside. Perhaps even his long, roaming fingers…

Then again, Richie constantly crossed the line into inappropriate territory for the sake of a laugh. He always harassed Eddie with peppered smooches and took every opportunity to pinch Stan’s ass. Then of course he had to dodge the following punches each swung his way. Was he even actually gay? For as long as they had been friends, Bill couldn’t actually remember a time when Richie was in a real relationship. Oh, God, what if Eddie was right and here he is, Bill the fool, wearing his heart on his favorite flannel sleeves. Richie’s not romantically interested in him. Who would be? His just a stuttering mess, and Richie’s probably just bored and lonely.

Bill’s doubtful meandering eventually brought him to Richie’s door. The Toziers both worked odd hours and frequently traveled, so the Losers had long ago learned to let themselves in when expected. Bill’s trembling fingers brushed through the flaking paint on the underside of the weathered porch until they found the spare key Richie ordered specially made for them. Maybe Bill should have just knocked instead. This was, at least in his mind, different than any other hangout after all. Maybe Richie wanted to meet him at the door. Either way, Bill had already passed through into the Tozier’s inviting entryway. Well, it’s Richie. He won’t mind.

“H-hey, Rich, I’m h-here,” he called into the house. He’s voice bounced down the halls only accompanied by a faint, staticky noise. Bill didn’t think too much on it, assuming that a commercial or cheesy sitcom distracted Richie for a bit too long. He continued down the hall and opened Richie’s door—decorated with a classy “If the car’s a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’” sign—to find an immaculately clean bedroom. No pile of dirty socks, no empty soda cans. Did I walk into the wrong house? The confusion struck Bill hard enough that he didn’t notice when the noise in the background stopped, nor did he hear the thumping or the muttering wandering down the hall. No, that’s Richie’s Ramones poster, and that’s his bag. But it’s so—

Bill stopped as he finally noticed the uneven footsteps. “R-Richie, since when—” Bill started, turning around to find a sopping wet, stark naked Trashmouth. The dripping boy shrieked.

“Fuck! What?” His hands shot to his crotch to keep at least some of his dignity as he leapt behind the door frame. Bill turned away, overwhelmed by the embarrassment of the situation, but not before catching a full view of the surprisingly smooth ass of which he had so often fantasized. Hell, the ass to which he had so often stroked himself.

“Fuck a duck, Bill! You can’t just waltz into a guys room without a warning or something,” Richie’s frayed voice ricocheted off the walls. “I could’ve been— well, shit, I am naked. “

“I’m s-s-s-sorry R-R-R-R—” The shock of his crush suddenly appearing in the buff decimated Bill’s ability to form any intelligent sound. He sputtered and squeaked as much of an apology as he could muster.

“Alright, Bill. It’s ok,” Richie sighed, “No need to short circuit.”

“D-d-d-didn’t w-want to b-b-be late,” he managed despite his erratic gasping.

“Just hand me a towel or something, will ya?”

Bill glanced around and spotted a dingy towel neatly folded on the dresser. “You t-t-took a shower witho-out a towel?”

“I forgot, ok? Forgive me for thinking I could walk to my room naked in my own house, you peeping Tom.” The lighthearted humor had found its way back into Richie’s voice. Bill barely noticed as he vehemently tried to deny the playful accusation. Amidst his stuttered apologies, Richie grabbed the towel and made a dash for the closet. Bill pivoted to face the wall, trying to give him some privacy, but the grating temptation of another peek overran his morality. In a sly glance over his shoulder, Bill caught one last glance of his ghostly pale ass disappearing into a pair of black slacks. Richie turned, slipping his arms into his shirt, and Bill flung his face forward hard enough to twist a kink into his neck. His eyes slammed shut. He thought he was caught for sure. Richie would know the dirty thoughts in Bill’s mind. He would be disgusted, because of course this wasn’t a date-date. He just wanted to watch a movie with his friend. Now he was going to yell, and kick Bill out and never speak to him again and—

“Dude, there’s no firing squad. You don’t have to stand with your nose to the wall.” Bill turned, astonished that Richie hadn’t noticed Bill watching him get dressed. “R-r-right…”

As exhilarating as seeing Richie’s bare skin had been, the image of Trashmouth Tozier standing before him in fitted slacks, damp hair, and a forest green dress shirt with the first few buttons undone sent lightning through Bill’s entire system like a defibrillator to the heart and the groin. He always found Richie cute, but this…this Richie was fucking hot. Dammit, Bill. You need to bring your ‘A’ game.

“Y-y-your pants don’t have a-any holes in them.”

Smooth, Bill.

“Not all my pants are ripped, dude. I can dress nice when I want to, you know.” He turned a lazy twirl showing off his outfit. Bill couldn’t handle the sensual allure dripping from this usually obnoxiously dressed boy.

“S-s-so why do you w-want to n-now?”

Richie’s face burned red, and his eyes drifted anywhere that wasn’t Bill. “Well, it’s…it’s movie night, and I just wanted to…” Bill felt his own cheeks warm and made his way to sit carefully made bed. His fingers traced little patterns along the stitching of the comforter.

“Is that also w-why you cleaned your r-r-room too? For m-movie night?” Did you do all this for me?

“Yeah. No big deal,” he answered, attempting to sound nonchalant. “Just figured you’d prefer a place to sit for a few hours that wasn’t covered in moldy socks and pics of Eddie’s mom in lingerie.” Bill feigned an exaggerated gagging noise, which quickly devolved into infatuated laughter. “S-shut up, and let’s s-start the first m-movie already.”

As he watched the boy with the wild hair and the cute backside dig through his bag for their movie rentals, Bill thought to himself about Eddie’s earlier comment. Not only had Richie dressed up for him, which is a rare feat in itself, but he had fixed up his entire room, just for him. Just for Bill. Yeah, Eddie might have been wrong after all. If so, this night could be one of the best nights of his life.

[dafukdidiwatch]

U.S.S INDIANAPOLIS: MEN OF COURAGE

Nick Cage mixed with WW2 and sharks. What can possible go wrong?

Answer: Everything

Nick Cage has just an attraction to me. I have known him for so long since I was little, I can’t tell if he is a good actor or if it was nostalgia. All I know is if there is a Nick Cage film, it is going to have that Nick Cage charm. And BOY HOWDY, this movie has it.

Let’s go with backstory first.

This movie is based on the incredible and horrific events that happened to the U.S.S Indianapolis, a Naval Ship during World War 2. It was sent on a secret and dangerous mission to deliver parts for the construction of the Atomic Bomb. However, on their way back a Japanese Submarine sunk it with a torpedo, leaving the survivors stranded alone in the middle of the ocean for 4 days filled surrounded by sharks who would attack the dead, injured, and living. Out of the almost 12,000 sailors aboard, only 300 would survive, making this the worst naval tragedy in U.S. Navy history.

And they made this movie.

Not going to lie, I was stupidly judgy through this movie. I mean, I tried goddammit, to watch and enjoy it straight. But I couldn’t help it. I care about this history. I’m fasinated by this bit of history, the horror and pain the sailors when through. This is THE Greatest Shark Attack in history. I was judgy because I wanted this movie to respect the event and tragedy that had happened, to do the survivors justice. And they tried.

God did they tried.

The problem is that they didn’t do it well.

Let me start with the good things about this movie.

1) Nick Cage was pretty Good

He plays Captain Charles B. McVay of the Indianapolis. There is still a bit of hokiness that comes from Nick Cage being Nick Cage. One is him talking to himself while writing a letter to his wife in the weirdest way possible. Another is the fact that his sunglasses makes it look like his eyes are closer to his forehead. But he does the role well I think. He makes sure to show that Captain McVay cared for his men, put their safety ahead of his own, did everything he can to help. I thought he did a good job.

2) They were respectful in the representation of the Japanese Submarine Crew.

The movie could have just not even show the submarine until the ship sinks, but no, we actually get to see the crew. We see the Captain Hashimoto dealing with the struggles of fighting their side of the war. How he cares for his crew, and how they will lay down their lives for the fight. The ship was sunk by Kaiten Torpedoes, basically an underwater version of Kamakazi pilots. They were manned torpedoes, so you see the men loading themselves in to be launched. So while the main focus is on the Indianapolis, it is nice they tried to be empathetic to the Japanese crew as well.

3) The side-characters were interesting enough.

With a historical story like this, the best way is show the movie is to let the audience see all the possible people that were serving on the ship. You see two best friends fall in love with the same girl. Two guys who were enemies and in jail together. A guy with a gambling addiction. The lovable engineers that you see up above. The brand new green commander who is a bit of a dick. My favorite one is the writer sailor. He writes what he sees and tries to bolster people up with his stories. Like, there is a lot of characters so even if you don’t like one plot-line, there are others you can enjoy. They may act goofy/overly dramatic at times, but the actors did a good job for you to root for them.

With that out of the way, things I didn’t like.

A) The cgi was too basic and shit in places

I wish, I WISH I can find a better picture to show what I mean. When we were watching, even my sister were going back and forth on whether it was good or not. Everything that was cgi was just weirdly too smooth. Like really look at it. It looks more like graphics for a video game. Which, is passable. But you can’t have passable for a movie. This movie came out in 2016! We have the technology for a hell of a lot better images than template models. At that was the better cgi. Because when the cgi is bad, it is glaringly obvious bad.

B) The Editing Kills Me.

They have a weird sense of pacing in this movie. When you hit the middle part of the movie, it’s fine. Decent moments of the sailors goofing around, hving drmatic romance, fights, struggles. But there are some parts of the movie where someone in the editing room was like “Oh shit, the people watching this won’t understand. Quickly! Put out that exposition as fast as you can!!”

An Example: the first 3 minutes of the movie. Minute 1: BATTLE! Ok, good, see our historical men in action. Minute 2: We are in a war council room where the Indianapolis has been chosen for a secret mission. “You mean the atomic BOMB?!” -> Basically the line used. And this was BEFORE meeting ANY of our main cast. So it felt like the movie was putting more emphasis on the ship rather than the sailors. 

It also didn’t help the movie Felt like it ended when the survivors were rescued, but didn’t Actually end for another 20-30 minutes longer. I appreciate them going in for historical accuracy of showing the actual aftermath to Captain McVay, but by that point I was so done and bored that I didn’t really care.

Plus they keep using the same periscope tracking shot 7 times! Seven! In the same scene. TWICE!! When the Japanese were firing in daytime, we see the same daylight periscope 7 times before launch. Then when they fired a torpedo at night, LET’S DO THE SAME THING since it went so well the first time.

B) The ship sinks titanic style, the fuck is that?? 

Not going to lie, while I am facinated by the Indianapolis, I do not know everything about what exactly happened. One of them was how the ship sank. But I am pretty sure the ship did not sink in the Exact Same Way as the Titanic. Where one side is lifted up, then got cracked in the middle, and so it was split into two parts. It was, it was bad. Because this tied in to the whole repeating shots thing, because I saw the same man holding onto a pole trying not to drop 5 different times. The Same Exact Scene. No difference. And I’m sure he fell in the exact same way as in the Titanic Movie shots.

(Note:The jail cell sailors during this part were very good, but I still have No Idea how the hell they got out. Let me know if you figured it out)

C) The Sharks were S H I T!

This is basically where the whole meat of the story should have taken place, nd it was AWFUL! Trash! They were stupidly inaccurate, trying to go for Jaws Chomp factor instead of being anywhere near historical. The sharks were all Great Whites, which wasn’t a thing. Because the sharks that historically attacked were Oceanic Whitetips.

But ok, you could get pass. The sharks look similar enough at first glance so it would be an honest mistake. Except that sailors were specifically talking bout “Great White Sharks” with colored pictures of great whites, (which think about that for a minute) so that was bullshit. in making the audience think Great White.

But ok, so what, who cares, the sharks still does it’s things right? Why should we care if they got the type wrong or not?

^Because of Shit like This!! This movie decided to try and shittily mimic Jaws and the Jaws ripoffs by having crappy cgi sharks launch itself out of no where to stupidly chops on the nearest sailors. God you could make a drinking game out of it. Take a shot for every shark you see. Which won’t kill you, because there were NOT ENOUGH SHARKS!!

^The sharks should have been like this. The sailors literally should have been like waist deep in sharks. There were a lot of fucking sharks. And yet! There weren’t any. The sharks only decided to freaking rocket launch themselves out of the water when it’s time for a jump scare, on any old person they can fine. And maybe the reason they decide to throw themselves to the nearest pound of flesh instead of going for the closest dead body is because

D ) THERE WERE BARELY ANY SURVIVORS!!!

Seriously! When the ship sank there were 800 sailors left in the water, We only see 60. TOTAL! Not even random background sailors. It was just Nick Cage’s group, then a separate group of 30 people, and random boats here and there.  God how could they have fucked this up! I don’t know if it was just, not in the budged to hire more people or what, but you can still get somebody. Show the survivors dammit!

It pisses me off because this could have easily solved their shark problem. Because if there were more people, you can see the sharks eat/take the dead bodies. Then when there is a ton more sharks, see them go after the injured and dying. Like, having screams constantly while sharks pick people off left and right, even if it is just background characters, would build so much more tension than just “guys have a good laugh, talk, and support each other, send the shark for the jumpscare.”

I will give the movie this though: While I feel like the majority of the ending was unneeded, I do respect that they have little end-cards for what happened to the character’s historical counterparts, as well as come footage of some of the survivors describing the experience.

Overall: Don’t watch it. If you wanted to watch it for the actual historical event, watch something else. They made note of smaller historical facts while completely screwing up the actual main event with the sharks. You can find better documentaries Here, Here, Here, Here, and Here. The last one has a clip of the special that I I saw originally and while you do have to pay to see it (Here), it is very well done.

And If you want to watch a “so bad it’s good movie” then maybe it fits the bill, but I just honestly don’t think it’s worth it. The editing and pacing will give you whiplash. The CGI takes you out of the zone.  Nick Cage tried his best, but not even his enjoyable presence could save the film. They make for a great movie to rag on, but having it be on an actual historic event like this just leaves a bad taste in my mouth

[enchantment1385]

My most magnificent mega must (have) mods memo.

So, I’ve been putting this off (big surprise!), but the time has come! I am going to try and provide some recommendations of my favorite mods. Mods I will not play the game without, or mods I love so much, I can’t recommend them highly enough! Hopefully some of you will find a new excuse to play one of these games again! I will split the list up into games so you skip if you don’t play a certain game. Again, these are my personal recommendations, so please don’t get all bent out of shape over this people. I also won’t be adding the very amazing utility mods (such as SkyUI or mcm or mod organizers) as I feel these are required mods. Today's installment -  

~Skyrim~

VIGILANT  +  VIGILANT Voiced - English Addon Okay, where do I start with the amazingingness of the mod? It’s massive, compelling, scary (chapter 3 holy fucking shitballs, batman!), and just absolutely perfectly executed on every level horror mod! This is not a mod you complete in a couple of hours, this you need to put aside a day or 2 and go through all 5 chapters! 1 guy made this. 1 awesome japanese dovha, alas it’s not as adored as it should be as, when originally released, the english subtitles (literally translations from Google) didn’t really translate well... or at all at some points. Hence why you need the voiced addon which makes this mod a 15+ hour, fully awesomely voiced adventure to seek out daedra, and be physically, and morally tested by the one and only Daedric Prince of domination, Molag Bal. Your choices WILL affect the outcome. This mod gives you everything you want from a mod. New weapons, new armour, new enemies, dark soul like boss battles, new places, new people, new land. With Halloween quickly approaching, this is the perfect time to give this a shot! 

Legacy of the Dragonborn

I stayed away from this mod for SO long thinking it was just a massive oversize player home to put all your crap on display. I was wrong. I was SO wrong. This mod is the ultimate scavenger hunt turned up to 11. It adds some of the best mods out there and puts them all together to make you WANT to go find that bloody staff, or helm, because A, it now looks amazing, and B, there’s a place for EVERYTHING in the museum, it must be filled! It adds old relics, new quests, a very gorgeous fair sized player home, you get to go to Elsweyr, and even get an airship you CAN use later! And trust me when I say, there is nothing that looks quite as impressive as your dovah walking around a city with your massive ass airship looming overhead. The way everything gets placed into the world is fucking flawless, and if you’re bored or just want more out of Skyrim, this is the mod that does that, and WAY more. Also a massive bonus, it has several patches for other mods that didn’t get incorporated (vigilant being among them) to add extra wings for you to display the items from other mods! 

Interesting NPCs

Another mod I stupidly avoided to begin with. So as we know, vanilla followers are... meh. But now with all these new battles and exploring you have to do, you might want someone watching your back, right? Forget vanilla, time to go interesting! This mod adds -

• 250+ Voiced NPCs • 25+ Followers with Location Based Commentary • 15+ Marriage NPCs 

This mod makes Skyrim feel inhabited, but with REAL people. People who you can, should, and will want to talk to. The voice acting is just fantastic, the characters are an absolute joy, they fit into the world so perfectly you’d never know they weren’t there all along! Well... Except for the fact they’re actually interesting, and have more than 5 things to say! It also has something called ‘Super Followers’. These followers actually comment on what’s happening in your story. Just about to go kill your first dragon? They have something to say about it. Just joined the college of mages? Have a chat to see what they think! I can not express how much this will change your game, but 151% for the fucking better! Oh! And just in case you were running short on things to do, this also adds 50+ more quests! *(footnote) Pleaaassssee go to Soljund's Sinkhole and take Rumarin with you. What he says when you clear that place out has me laughing my ass off every time.

Immersive Citizens - AI Overhaul

Are you tired of being the only one is Skyrim who actually seems to DO anything? Are you weirded out by the fact when you walk into an inn at 4am everyone is doing the same thing as they were at 2pm last week? Confused as hell by the comment ‘Do you hunt? The plains outside Whiterun are ripe with game.’ How the fuck would you know, Anoriath?! You never leave Whiterun, dude! EVER! That ends with this mod. Now people have routines. They sleep, they eat, they walk around, they don’t just stay in one place all the time! It makes the npc’s go from a static feature and changes them into actual people, or goes a long way to help! Even people like carriage drivers now have a lil tent near the carriage, and will even take shelter under cover if it starts raining. (if it’s not too far from the carriage!) Random people will now not try and fight the big dragon who is burning everything to a crisp, but instead run away and take shelter, you know, like a normal person would? Which is helpful, as I tend to hit them with a stray spell then get into shit for accidentally electrocuting the blacksmith or someone who shouldn’t have stood in the way of the MASSIVE FUCKING DRAGON IN THE FIRST PLACE! Anyway... This mod is awesome and makes all the vanilla npc’s less static and weird!  

Relationship Dialogue Overhaul - RDO

Don’t know about you but, I’m kinda bored with the dialogue in this game. The same 5 lines on repeat, over and over and OVER again. I want people who hate me to say something a bit more nasty that ‘What do YOU want?’ This mod adds over 5000 lines of dialog that was never used. Braith finally has more insults to throw at you! Which is great, because I hate that kid and now you will too! Your rivals will be rude to you. Your friends will compliment you. And your spouse will finally say more than a handful of lines to you! With this and the AI overhaul Skyrim will finally feel like it’s come alive. It seems like such a small addition, but it makes a huge impact when you hear lines that you’ve never heard before! 

PC Head Tracking and Voice Type &  Expressive Facial Animation (M)  (F)

So we’ve finally got a living breathing Skyrim, and holy shit, it’s a beautiful thing, right? Time to focus on bringing you to life. Don’t know about you, but I found it plain fucking odd that I didn’t ever look at the person who’s talking to me. Like, not even accidently. I also found it creepy the only time I ever made any sound whatsoever was when I shouted. So the first mod is going to fix that shit. You’ll finally look at the person talking to you, or at that dagger you’re just about to steal. What's more, you’ll be able to assign a voice to yourself, so you’ll greet people who talk to you. Fun doesn’t stop there! You can download voice packs such as, Ciri, Yenifer and loads of others! But... What if you know who you want them to sound like and there isn’t a pack for them? Well, make your own! The page is really good and explains how. So we’re not a clueless goon anymore, we look and talk, but that basically makes us no better than the T 800 terminator. The second mod will make you actually have emotions, instead of constant blank face. You’ll smile at friends and loved ones, and scowl at people who you hate, like you Elrindir. For the last time, I didn’t mean to steal the fucking apple pie! But I think me spending HUNDREDS of gold should have made up for that and did NOT warrant you sending a group of thugs to come kick the shit out of me!  Sorry. Just... Some unfinished business between me and that bastard bosmer. 

Enhanced Lights and FX

I have a potato as a laptop, as such a lot of these amazing ENB’s are totally off the table for me. But... We all deserve a pretty Skyrim, right? Fuck yes we do! And this is the mod that does that for me. So there are two versions of this bad boy, and you will really want to think about which one you want to go for. You’ve got standard, or hardcore. The MAIN difference is, the hardcore version will make dungeons dark. No, I mean pitch black darkness. Really think you know bleak fall barrow? Install hardcore then go run through it. It make sense that it would be dark down in these places, but fuck me dark is now really dark, which I personally love, but you might not. Install at least the main file and the weather mod and I guarantee when you boot your game back up you’ll be saying ‘wow’.  

Enhanced Character Edit  OR  RaceMenu

Okay, first off you only need one or the other NOT both. Here’s the difference. If you want to make a character that looks like they’re from FFXV or korean mmo, you’ll want to get Enhanced character edit. They’re all so damn pretty! Even the men are pretty! If you want something a little less cute looking and maybe more mature, Racemenu is character creator for you. Both give you a TON more customization when creating your new oc, down to finger and toe length and what’s not to love about that?? 

Enhanced Camera

You finally have a body in first person mode. not just hands when attacking. Which FYI Bethesda, is creepy as fuck. Next mod. 

Familiar Faces

Right, last one as we could be here forever, but I need to do more of these things for other games so let's finish with something stupid, but awesome, shall we? You know who’d make the best companion? That spellsword character you made. Or the sneaky archer. Or that tanky as fuck warrior, but they’re on that other save.. No more! When you fire up the game with this mod installed, you get a portal stone placed in your inventory. Use it and get get warped into this empty hall. Go to any of the books on the pedestals and hit yes when prompted. You, your abilities, spells, shouts, game progress and inventory has just been recorded. Load up another save and do the same in a different book, then you can go recruit... you! You can even make yourself marribale! Got that perfect otp? Create them both and have them travel around with you! Want them to use their shouts? No problem! Want them to not use shouts? That’s fine too! Isn’t that overpowered? Who gives a flying fuck?! 

Now go have fun in Tamriel, Bahlaan fahdonne!

[zepdeans]

there’s not a lot I can say about s3 that hasn’t already been said (and articulated 200x better) but! here are some of my (albeit dumb) thoughts :~)

ep1 -isak leaning against the bathroom wall gets me EVERY time its such a powerful scene esp introducing you to s3 and tarjei..... spare some talent for the rest of us please -LiTeN gUtTeN fRa StRaNgEr tHiNgS -isak rly ties his pants w a shoelace...... -isak noticing even for the first time bc of his laugh.. whew.... also. i love this intro SOOO much bc its so non-monumental? theres no dramatic music or whatever but its not subtle.... like you know right away o shit love interest!! hello sir!! bc isak’s expression watching him :’) i could go on -isak is a bad liar HOWEVER this only applies to stupid nontrivial things e.g. the black sweatshirt. but when you look at him lying about like, his sexuality, he hides that shit well -”c00l” isak. i hate u so much -honestly all u have to do is look at even for .2 seconds and u can tell this boy has had a crush for a solid month bc he just looks awestruck (HOWEVER henrik’s acting is *chef’s kiss* bc its subtle enough to go undetected b4 you actually know eVEN SAW HIM ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL) -even isak and emma all sitting on the bench together is funny enough on its on but then a song called threeway comes on and like. julie sdshjsfdjfkjskd ep2 -there’s something so endearing about even’s handwriting idek what -i LOVE even’s video w mikael it reveals so much about him to us- how weird (ok we saw how weird he was w the paper towel thing but) and dorky he is? and his love of film! his view on love stories and how he sees the world :( but it also shows a lot abt isak because he saw even making stupid jokes about vladimir putin and was like yeah we about to fall in LOVE love -isak not using headphones to watch even’s video or r+j?? bde or general incompetence what’s the verdict guys -the isak watching r+j scene hits so hard like yall ever think about isak lying in bed at 3am staring at the ceiling probably thinking about how he’s never gonna get a beautiful world-shattering romance like that like ..... also him changing positions skam get out of my life go away ur too realistic -not to make this even more self-projection-y but isak simultaneously being the least emotionally vulnerable person ever but crying during r+j > -i made a post abt this already but even’s INTENSE staring vs isak’s “i have never looked anyone in the eye in my life” gets me it says so much about their characters -even said i see your bde move (asking me to buy you beer) and i raise u with my own (inviting you to my house after faking not having my id) -”if you listen to music” even is such a dick fsdjhsdff -when the message comes on...... i rlly do owe julie my life huh -”have you heard about my rapping?” “I have actually” have we talked about this enough????? 1. isak finally feels comfortable enough w even to flirt and his first move is to RAP for him jesus christ. keep in mind this is the same man who pulled that smooth af ibuprofen line w emma like...... 2. even has heard about isak’s rapping. either this means im-not-on-social-media even went out of his way to go thru homeboy’s instagram OR isak’s rapping is actually talked about. i- -the group chat messages. cant believe i forgot about the 2016 clown epidemic

ep3  -mahdi is a good friend and i love him. thank u -even wearing isak’s cap until he chucks it at him sjksfjsdjsd -how much yall wanna bet isak’s been listening to illmatic on repeat since last friday thinking abt even (even tho meeting sonja shattered his heart a lil) [also kinda an aside but i think a lot about how isak n even bonded over rap and how some homophobic lyrics in 90s etc rap might have impacted them? or how that little detail ties into julie’s story? e.g. halftime by nas, which is on illmatic] -whats worse. even staring into isaks soul wearing a size xs see-through white t shirt or isak staring at even for five (5) seconds before chugging his beer and immediately making out w emma. OR even crashing that party before it can start “i think you guys are bonding too much” cheesy ass shjhfsdhskdf -yall act like evak didnt invent hands. did even shaking isak’s shoulder telling him his apartment is nice mean nothing to u -im convinced robyn wrote call your girlfriend for this scene specifically bc how could anything fit so perfectly by coincidence -is anything better than egging isak on- even bech naesheim (2016) -idk if yall have read the scripts but i love the sock thing so much bc its soo true to how isak thinks and it makes everything so much more interesting and !!!

ep4  -i will never get over even sending isak bad seinfeld memes -even smacking open isak’s locker. first of all whew second of all u think as soon as he got into the stairwell he lowkey cried bc ow -parallel of isak saying “it’s 2016, why are you religious?” to sana vs. emma’s “it’s 2016, get out of the closet” to isak anyone :( -”takk sanasol!!!!” thank u isak for my life -I wanted to be with you aloneeeee -even’s face when he sees the pool like we get it youre a director -how many times do i need to say even is such a dick sjkfsd “does it look like i care about my hair?” “usually but not right now” like this would only work on isak i love soulmates!! -even just.. fully choking isak out ssdhgfd got em -when the first notes of im kissing you start ooh boy -even going in for the kill kiss and isak going from huh to oooo shit and pushing his lips out at the last minute. phenomenal 

ep5 -ngl as soon as im not in love comes on my heart goes uwu bc like!!!! that song the meaNING.... them......... i jus love this scene sm like theyre in their own little bubble and they both feel so comfortable and at peace :((  -even leaving isak comics about an inside joke of theirs like yall mind if i scream -isak feeling left out from the conversation and his friends whew i felt that... and having them talk about how gross it is to makeout with a girl w facial hair?? blease :( -taking stock of isak’s nicknames: issy k, isabell, izzy, baby jesus, -im not even gonna bother trying to articulate thoughts on Pause bc it’s a literal masterpiece. thank u tarjei henrik and julie for inventing television with this one  -MAGNUS SDFKJSDFJKDSHK "oooh my name is Jonas and I love idealism and reading klassekampen and I don’t like plastic and I skate on a skateboard made of sustainable wood and wear old clothes because new clothes are bad for the environment and I only drink recycled water” screAMMM -what i said abt pause also applies to pride ugh its such a powerful scene and!! the beginning of kicks to isaks stomach. honestly what i fucking love about this episode is how it goes from hell yea best day w even ever to crying in the street within one week (s3 had the best balance of angst and payoff thanks) -even’s Soft Party Flannel... forever tainted by this scene rip -not knowing why even kissed sonja keeps me up at night -speaking of. how used and stupid isak must’ve felt when he saw even completely unbothered, hooking up w his ex at this party?? whew :( -bros is one of my all time favourite clips solely bc of the music?? lift me up gives me chills and when hold my liquor starts i LOSE it -ep5 and 6 remind me of that quote “to see what your characters are really made of you have to break them” because julie rlly goes all in and god it hurts so good

ep6 -never have i ever seen insomnia portrayed as accurately as tarjei did here and i remember when i first watched the cantina scene i was like. winded bc its SO true to sleep deprivation whew -i really like that isak wasnt together with even when he reached out for help and came out to jonas. bc it was him, on his own, being strong enough to talk to his friends and then eventually he was confident and secure enough in himself to be in a good place when even started reaching back out!! -i have no idea what its like to come out to someone, to be afraid of your friends rejecting you, everything isak went through. but tarjei’s acting of when, like, you have something you KNOW you have to tell someone, and youve put yourself in the position where youre going to have to tell them, but youre terrified and eventually just force yourself SAY the words??  -and isak’s smile when he realizes jonas is gonna be his bro no matter what :’)))

ep7 -weirdly one of my favourite isak looks (black t-shirt grey snapback c-c-c-combo) -”what’s your name again?” have i mentioned i love sana and isak bc i love sana and isak -jonas truly is the best friend oh man. perceptive, thoughtful, loving, laidback, a friggen BRO. tbh i was wary of him in s1 and thought he didn’t treat eva well (tho I recognized he loved her a lot, he was just bad at being a boyfriend) but jonas in s3?? just goes to show how powerful your perspective of someone can change viewing them in a different role!! because while jonas was a crappy bf, he literally is SUCH an incredible friend and his actions and words and just! him! in s3 completely redeemed any illwill I had towards him :’) -maybe im a little gay (up there with other s3 comedy classics such as “thats a boys name”) -mahdi season WHEN ugh a legend -’when someone asks isak if hes going to a family party’ literally what other reason for living do i have if not to read the boy squad text convos -isaks locker finally opening and his smile at evens drawing whewwwwwww!! also even rlly is that guy who wont text you back but will leave hand written love letters in ur locker -also. another stellar look from valtersen -slutt a meld meg is a whole masterpiece like what other piece of media has the RANGE -eskild: play hard to get. jonas: no smiley!!! isak: nah fam im good B)

ep8 -this episode is BEAUTIFUL bc you feel practically euphoric?? like hell yeah theyre finally together!! isak is out and accepted and even is done with sonja! but theres also this unsettling undercurrent of worry bc you know deep down something isnt right? why is sonja calling isak? why is even acting kinda strange? whats going on? yknow?? -literally never going to get over 5 fine frokner :~) even is such a goddamn nerd and he’s the man of isak’s dreams can u believe!!  -sana’s little speech is SO important in so many ways ooo i love her so much -also have we discussed eskild making evak do a photoshoot for him. highkey those are my favourite pictures of ALL time u can tell even was like hm strange but im down while isak was more omg guys stop🙄 omg haha eskild i cant believe youre making me cuddle with even for a photo🙄 i cant believe ur making me snuggle this dude for a pic!!!! definitely would not have done this otherwise!!! -magnus only realizing it’s THAT even after seeing how isak looks at him. whew -isak is so brave i rlly love that kid! his text to his mamma <3 -no r*make will EVER nail text conversations like mari/julie did w evak’s this week thanks for coming to my ted talk. i'd quote the best ones but it would literally double the length of this post (ok ill cave. “hahaha shut up❤️” GETS me) -you dont know whats in store but you know what youre here for. hallo -isak running around oslo with even’s clothes looking for him :( his heart is so big he cares about even so so much -when Part II (on the run) comes on in the credits its like a kick in the teeth honestly

ep9 -ive already screamed enough about cherry wine but god it fucks me up -cannot put into words how much I love eskild and how good of a person he is, he just has so much love in his heart  -”wait they have waffles here? see ya” -this convo is why i love skam so much!!!! magnus giving insight and good thoughtful advice to isak was such a brilliant move by julie (also truLy heartwarming) bc like. magnus is a flawed layered character! he’s dumb and ignorant and not very careful with his words BUT hes also such a sweet guy. i genuinely dont think he would hurt a fly and him talking about vilde (in ep10) is ;-; bc he really likes her and respects her and wants to be a gentleman! hes so loving and just. yeah. also i wonder if isak and magnus (and vilde) ever talked about having mentally ill parents and lent on each other for support bc like....<3 [sidenote- this is why i HATE b***** like they absolutely massacred magnus’s character and magnus did not deserve that!] -det er bare slutt........ very cool of tarjei to invent acting here. also the character development makes me WEEP like at first isak lied and told his pappa it was over bc its easier to brush stuff off and say you were joking than be vulnerable especially about 1. having a boyfriend and 2. saying youve already broken up?? but then isak was like hey im done with lying about who i am bc i want my life to be REAL and he told his dad the truth even if it was hard and even if he was trying rlly hard not to cry  -isak reaching out to even<3 standing up for even<3 -o helga natt. another scene i genuinely cannot comment on bc u cant really put into any written language how magical and breathtaking and heartbreaking and powerful and brilliant this scene is. so. -jk. obvs i cant say anything intelligent enough to give this scene justice but probably the most stunning piece of television i have ever had the privilege of watching. even’s text breaks my heart every gd time (esp since we never really see this side of him before finding out he’s bipolar? his guilt, insecurity, feeling like a burden, being scared of losing everyone in his life because he thinks he’ll hurt them). the music is SO beautiful i cry real tears as soon as the strings start. also the brilliance of JUST o helga natt playing and no dialogue except for isaks one line? isak’s realization when he sees the cross. him RUNNING across oslo to go to even. the FLASHBACKS all going backwards in chronological order until them smoking on the bench. isak looking at the bench and not seeing even and u can feel his heart breaking and urs breaks too! but then he remembers the bathroom and he turns and theres even and whewwww. du er ikke alene<3

ep10 -minutt for minutt is THE most healing clip im telling u. and like.. seeing even depressed really is hard and as someone who was very very depressed for 4-ish yrs of their life it rlly hits me? like when youre in an especially bad funk and you cant get out of bed and youre just numb and exhausted and feel so shitty and u want to be alone but you really dont???? could go on but literally i owe henrik holm my life for his portrayal of even  -not to be a soft bitch on main but when isak tucks the blanket over even and it keeps getting pulled off his back so isak just. covers that spot with himself? -i do love that call between sonja and isak bc once again! a flawed (realistic) human being -and isak thinking its his fault even is depressed? it means a lot that sonja told him its no ones fault, even is just bipolar. and i wonder if isak felt that way about his mamma as well, guilty for her being ill, and if what sonja said made him feel better about that situation too :( -lowkey random but when isak is rambling really fast and he goes “maybe we’ll get bombed tomorrow and talking about all this is a waste of time” it continually punches me in the throat bc that is /exactly/ how i ramble and think like tarjei........ pls -like eskild said. there really is so much love in isak’s little grumpy teenage body<3 -isak no longer just passively accepting life as its given to him, now he fights for him and even!!!!!  -isak is such a forgiving person and seeing him able to just accept things and move on? incredible -i remember when i first watched ep1 i was like oooo even and isak are gonna be kosegruppa partners and thats when theyll first get together, cooking food or smth!! but lmfao after episode 3? kosegruppa whomst???? also hilarious vilde thought isak of all people would willingly sign up for kosegruppa just to go to revue parties -even and linn friendship!!!! -cannot articulate how mf heartwarming it is to see even smiling and being more himself after being depressed (also thank u julie for having ups and downs coming out of his depression- its so true to life having one day when youre feeling awesome and then the next you feel awful again for no reason and its SO frustrating) -I had to stop watching passe pa meg cause it made me toooooo crazy! it would just be like: “I like seeing you laugh” and I was like: *SCREAMS* -im the fucking master of lying 😤 -literally don’t know why isak and even ragging on kosegruppa is so funny but “did you think I joined to have fun” gets me every time -I SAW YOU THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL -also even literally radiating love @ isak watching get snarky w vilde on the phone bc it reminded him of the first time he saw him! even rly is that boyfriend who thinks isak being pissy is the Best Thing he has Ever seen -halla boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiz -literally the glo up of isak telling his friends the order in which he’d bang them -No filter! wow I love symbolism -so nice to see the girls together for a lil bit :) -the boys hyping up mags while also telling him to be respectful awwwwww -take desperate to a whole new level- Confucius  -who’s going to show isak how to properly hold a beer can -literally evak banter gets me thru the day. thank u tarjei and henrik for having phenomenal chemistry + improvisation skills + making isak and even the dumbest nerdiest boys i have ever seen -biology partner. and friend. ;-; -even literally is the biggest stoner blease -isak’s talk with eva is just sooooo<3 and not to be emo on main but every single word of the last few sentences he says hit me so gd hard because i feel the exact same way in my BONES -livet er nå 💛

final thoughts :( <3 -this season is so special. it feels like one really long oscar-worthy movie or smth?? i cant even exblain, its just magical. ALSO very dear to my heart. -julie really said you guys have seen isak sad and alone and repressed for the past two seasons so heres him falling in love with the best person in the world and coming to terms with who he is and being brave and opening up and finally being happy and living a real life -this season definitely feels different from s1/2/4 to me editing or production or music smth wise? as in, its got a lot fewer aesthetic shots and the cinematography seems a bit different if that makes any sense???? I also think this is the season most focused just on the main (i.e. not many- if any? sideplots going on) -literally will never get over the thought, love, and detail put into this season. when i say there is literally nothing i would change about it, i mean it and coming from my nitpicky ass??? means a lot lmfao. the acting, directing, music choices, symbolism...... sublime -s3′s cold rainy autumn aesthetic makes me ACHE for fall and also nostalgic for a highschool experience I never had lmao?? also. all the nighttime clips >>> -don’t know what else to say except thank u skam for my life