#but there was a reason why i didn't google my mental question myself

[sapphirecastles]

today tumblr recommended me a post by a radfem blog. i still have no clue what radfems have to do with the content of that post (i mean, i do have a clue now that i finished writing and thought about this, unrelated to trans people tho i think any feminist could've posted that tbh but idk much about feminism anyway). but that content made me feel actually sick??? i wish i had could forget what i read. i can't blame it tho bc it was sort of a response (an excerpt of an academic text) of a question i had made myself (mentally) earlier bc i saw the tags of another post (unrelated). and now i kinda don't want to even bring it up because i don't want to think about it because it makes me wanna vomit (literally) but i wanna think about it at the same time and i wanna share but gosh i could never. give me 2 hours to think before i sleep and i'll get over the content. things are not black and white like that but argh it makes me sick the except it did have a valid point. the only time i felt as sick was when i stopped reading lolita on the library and never opened it up again bc it also made me super sick (and i never feel sick). i haven't felt like this in a loong time.

[freeuselandonorris]

*hypnokink safety PSA*

hiiii so i’m sure you absolutely did not know this but the reference you used for your nortrell bimbofication/hypnosis fic– Bambi Sleep– is actually like. like idk how to describe it but there’s this huge controversy cause the files are “dangerous”. i found them on reddit after i read that fic cause i was really intrigued by the idea (awakened strange beasts within me etc etc) and i was having a great time with them until i decided to do a little more research into hypnokink in general- just for fun- and i learned about all these side effects that come with those particular files… basically they’re extremely powerful and a lot of the training has to do with replacing the host’s personality with the new slutty personality without the host’s consent. kind of horror-game doppleganger vibes. i mean obviously hypnosis isn’t magic but there is of course a deeply psychological element to it and sort of a “if you want it to work it will work” factor… anyway as i was messing around with the files is as like “well i’m SURE this would never happen to me because I Am Different” and then lo and behold a few weeks in i’m like. okay i think i should quit while i’m ahead this is getting a little much.

so anyway as i’ve said i’m sure you didn’t know the full extent of that, and obviously it’s not like you linked the files in the fic i went down that rabbit hole by myself, but idk maybe it’s worth a brief little note at the beginning or end of that fic? like i know you’ve already got the “this is how not to negotiate a mind control kink” (and i’m always grateful of how considerate you are to your readers) but maybe a precautionary “if you’re gonna practice this kink do not use *the specific Bambi Sleep files* because there are other more wholesome stuff available” or something like that.

i mean all in all i really enjoyed it because hypnosis is still something i’m having a fun time exploring and learning new things from fic is always interesting but i just figured this is something you should know.

love your work!! cheers <3

hey anon!

actually, i am aware of the controversy around the bambi sleep files; i've spoken about it on here before. it's referenced in the notes at the end of the fic but i have now updated it to include the article i link to above as i agree i could have been clearer about what that controversy involved. it's also partly why i made the decision to rename the files in the fic.

however. i do just want to gently remind you that it is not a fic writer's responsibility to ensure your safety if you choose to explore what's depicted in the fic for yourself. fic isn't meant to be instructive or something for you to learn from. it's for entertainment and to get you off. just like you shouldn't use porn as an instruction manual.

the buzzfeed article i linked above is the fifth google result for 'bambi sleep'. if you're exploring a kink that promises to change your mental state, you need to be researching that shit before you dive in! i can't be the one to do that work for you; for a start, i don't use these files myself because i have researched them and come to the conclusion that it wouldn't be safe for me to do so. secondly, i can't judge for someone else what constitutes 'wholesome' or not. honestly, i would have thought it was clear from the tone of the fic that the files it's based on aren't wholesome. like, the dubcon tag is on there for a reason.

i hope you understand that i'm not writing this to have a go at you or deflect blame. i'm writing it out of concern because some of the kinks you (general 'you', not you specifically) will read about in fic are dangerous, and you shouldn't just be leaping straight into them without understanding the risks involved because the fic writer didn't explicitly warn you not to.

i'm always happy to answer questions about kink on here and provide recommendations around safety and teaching to the best of my ability, with the caveat that i am in no way a trained professional.

i'm really glad you were able to keep yourself safe and draw that boundary around using the files when you realised they were becoming too much, and i hope the experience with them hasn't unnerved you too much 💕

[heljar-heimur]

You could also brainstorm with other people! Or even through Google to see what other people have thought before you

Let's preface this with I dislike ChatGPT in general and I dislike using chatGPT. However due to necessity I had to try it.

I just finished my first year of teaching, thought I was going into a position where I just had to do minor adjustments to the materials or learn it to teach it. No, I started the school year with a textbook for one course and 2 fiction novels for the other course. I am the only teacher at my school teaching this subject, I had old stuff from my teacher training and what I still had from being a student myself.

My first instinct was not to run to chatGPT, no I tried talking to people, I tried asking around. I made all my own materials, I used some guides as inspiration but I had to adjust them to match my students abilities.

The reason I made a chatGPT account in the first place was that I needed to provide my admin with proof that the obviously AI text was actually AI, so I needed to figure out how to use it and how my students were abusing it. It took a month of teaching for me to give in and make an account. Despite all my misgivings about it, plagiarism, GDPR, ecological reasons... I made an account.

Once I had the account, the AI became a useful soundboard. Something that was always there, always responded and responded quickly. I tried using co-workers, friends and even discord and Google none worked as well as throwing my problem at ChatGPT. My co-workers were busy and unfamiliar with my subject, my friends similarly so, resources are paywalled or easily accessible to students.

I was a new grad ADHD teacher, overworked and constantly behind schedule. Once I was done teaching my classes and grading I was out of energy, my brain said no more.

So when I was in a time crush and needed a generic description written up or a generic rubric for me to edit sometimes ChatGPT could make that for me, I had to edit it of course but it saved me time and energy.

When I needed to make sentences for a grammar quiz and was staring at a list of words trying to come up with sentences, I could copy paste that list of words into the AI and tell it to give me example sentences using those words, it gave me ideas all at once, not me having to one by one put them in a dictionary or ask Google or pester my friends. I could even ask it to only use vocabulary that a that a B1 or B2 speaker of English should be able to understand.

I didn't always use the sentences the AI gave me, but it gave me ideas that I could edit slightly to better fit my students level. It saved me time and energy at times when I was already so mentally done that I could barely think up basic example sentences.

That's how I use it for brainstorming, that's how I use it for rubber ducking. I don't have someone available to me 24/7 that I can ask to make a list of sentences or help me come up with a prompt for an essay. Do you?

In my fight to get my students to stop copy pasting stuff from the AI I have shown them how bogus it's answers can be, doesn't work. What worked was telling them they could use AI to help them reword something or suggest a good transition word. It worked to grade them on originality and phrase that as not sounding like a generic AI spew.

AI can't write for you but it can help you refocus your thoughts when you have spent too long staring at a sentence. A research question that needs to be a statement, AI does that in seconds.

I wish I had someone on hand to discuss stuff with all the time, someone who I didn't have to explain everything to in details beforehand. I don't and that's why I resorted to AI. I don't recommend using it, I don't like using it. However it saved my sanity this past teaching year.

Okay. It's time for an AI rant.

My nephew is 13 years old. Whenever he writes a paper for school, I check it over and fix all of his mistakes for him. He said to me, "Maybe I'll proofread your paper for you in exchange," meaning one of the scholarly articles I write for work. I said, "Cool," and gave him the file. And he said, "Well, this is full of errors! See, you always say you have a lot to correct on my stuff, and look at all the stuff you got wrong!" And I said, surprised, "What? Where?" Because I'm sure there are typos in the draft I sent him, but not, like, that many.

And then he pointed to the screen and said, "Look at all the blue and red lines you have."

And I said, "Yeah, but those are wrong. Like, those are blue and red lines I'm ignoring because the computer is wrong." And then I paused and added, "You know you can't proofread a paper by just looking at the red and blue lines, right?" And he gave me the blankest look, because that clearly is EXACTLY what he thinks. And it became even clearer suddenly why, whenever I correct something on his paper, his immediate reaction is, "It didn't have a blue or red line."

There's a very good reason for that: THAT'S BECAUSE THE COMPUTER ISN'T SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT IT WAS WRONG.

I am so tired of being sold the idea that computers are better than humans and so we should just outsource everything to them, which is clearly the lesson my nephew is absorbing in U.S. middle school. COMPUTERS ARE NOT BETTER THAN HUMANS. Like, maybe they are better at humans at crawling through rubble to find people trapped inside. They are also better at preserving things in a searchable format. Things like that. Very limited circumstances.

I don't want to sound alarmist but everything I hear about people using generative AI freaks me out. It's not just that I'm freaked out by people being like, "I use it to write novels!" (Although I don't see how they do, I have tried to have it write fiction for me and the output was truly terrible.) But I recognize my bias around creative writing and so no one needs to credit my views on artificial writing. But! Other things are alarming, too! "I use it to brainstorm x, y, or z." But...why? Why not just...use your own brain...to...brain...storm? The computer doesn't even have a brain to brainstorm with! And you might be like, "But it comes up with things that my brain would never think of!" So would other people! You could also brainstorm with other people! Or even through Google to see what other people have thought before you (not AI). Please don't belittle the wonder of thinking.

I just feel like the marketing around generative AI boils down to "Wouldn't it be easier not to use your own brain to think about things?" Everyone. No. It would not be. Please just trust me on this. I'm not just an old person who is out of touch with technology or something. I promise. USE YOUR BRAINS. IT WILL BE OKAY.

[lunarsilkscreen]

PornHub (Probably self-explanatory; this one's gonna be very profane.)

So I briefly covered this earlier... About how I found several videos of me on Porn Hub that I neither recorded nor placed there; and could do nothing about.

The question on everybody's mind is; "Who put it there and why?"

We can remove several suspects very clearly; it wasn't my neighbors, and it wasn't my landlord.

I did give a heads up didn't I?

So there's some Dark web LolCow shit going on.

Preface; I didn't know I was Famous or Infamous in any way; but all the same...DipShits like the easy money that comes along with the Dark Social Justice Warrior stuff...Don't they?

Or at least the "Prestige" that comes from imagining dragons where there are windmills.

Let me explain the story of those videos;

These people don't believe my "Air Force Sergeant" Story... They don't believe that they've been tracked NSA or the CSI... Or literally every single agency out there because of how sloppy they've been.

They believe themselves to be these Anon Guy Fawkes Super Spy Vigilantes... While being on the country's Terrorism Watch List.... Cognitive Dissonance at its Max!

Before Asking my brother to be posted on KiwiFarms... And I asked him to do it; because shit...If I'm already there... Might as well get something out of it, right?

You've seen your friends fall... Nations reactions to me...and you still think you're "Safe".

Trolo lol lolol lol 😈

For some unknown reason, I was DOXXED, put under a protection program by the Air Force, and you still followed me to the apartment THAT WAS UNDER SURVEILLANCE.

And you still sent somebody into that apartment to plant a Camera in my bathroom wall! That was recovered by the Feds and traced!

Epic Fail. Right?

I still don't understand why people wanna troll me like that... Or think they are anyway.

So here's how it starts; They find a target. Somebody they believe to be responsible for some imagined crime or not! If they can frame it like they're a criminal, they don't care who.

They start to hijack your feeds. They try to manipulate your behaviors by inserting messages everywhere that they believe can "Implant Thoughts" and control people's minds.

You know; those things Fast Food and Snacks Companies *ALREADY DO* in Massive quantities.

Things us Millenials have already built up a defense for. But you know who hasn't? Zoomers...

For years they were doing things like, trying to convince me to eat more Fast Food so I get fat, Try Drugs, Do anything that might give them "Content" for my "Fall from Grace".

What Grace Guys? Was my Picture on a Mill Carton? Did you buy a box of Wheaties with my face on it? What makes you think I'm rich and/or famous?

I mean, back then. Not the Fame you gave me... Today. Thanks For that, By the way. I love the power you've given me, I hope you enjoy being on the receiving end.

They kept sending me Trans *mind control* waves and changing my feeds to include genderqueer stuff. And then when I admitted I was trans, they like backpedaled so hard... They tried to get me to kill myself through the Target Ad mechanism OF FUCKING GOOGLE.

Zoomers don't know about Ad Block I guess...

They call it the "Sissy Mind Virus" and they target queer-ish fellas and try to "Feminize" them... And you know, they think they are *actually* responsible for transing people.

They've written it on their Blogs; I've read better fanfiction though, you guys really need to work on that.

If you wanna be mad at somebody for "Transing the Youth" and being "Groomer Pedophiles" look no further... I mean... They obviously want all the credit for it.

Yes; so as I was going through a lot of mental health shit and depression, I wasn't suicidal then. Obviously ; I'm not gonna give them the satisfaction. Fuckers.

And as I was "Exploring" my er... Everything...

Trying to figure out why I just feel off all the time; before realizing "Nope. I'm definitely not a bottom."

They pull a receipt from Adam and Eve (uh fun toy website... Adult toy, not for children) along with several other transactions and posted them on their Blogs.

Which yes, I have read, And y'all... I was already fed up with shit like a decade ago by this point. What content are you actually farming here? Who watches this?

Oh yeah... Horny Teens... Who are being advertised to by these "Ring leaders" of the "Ring Camera" brigade.

So while I'm very flattered... I'm not really interested in Little Boys.

(Little Adult Femboys on the other hand..? Hehehehe)

When this whole thing started I mean *this* current two year thing, they (the three-letter-agencies) showed me those same receipts and I was just like "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT. IM A WOMAN WHO DOESN'T HAVE A PUSSY WITH WHICH TO GET FUCKED.)

So that was a whole fun thing.

Anyway. This is really hard for me to discuss without devolving into crass jokes and just breaking down in a Harley Quinn kind of way. So I'm trying to stay on topic, but I'm also trying to cope with reality.

Because of these things, I was actually approached, on several occasions, to ask if I was actually trans or if it was just the "Mind Control".

And they followed up with "BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW THEY DIDN'T IMPLANT MEMORIES TO MAKE YOU THINK YOU'RE TRANS?"

Uhh.. 1) because I'm an adult who was ashamed of myself far earlier than I ever got DOXXED.

2) because I've already researched copious amounts of mind control tactics thanks to the dark side of the pick-up artist community and had to form a defense. Because I knew it was coming sooner or later.

And 3) Fuck you; how dare you doubt me.

Approximately 6 years of ... Wait... Longer? Yea longer: before you were the actual terrorists, and before them were protestors from the deployed location, and before that was the protestors inside the county, and before that... Was the original doxxers who tried to get me to kill myself because they were Jealous of me in FFXIV when I first started raiding. When I almost killed Facebook that one time because I deleted my account... Weird how that works...

Whole story, it's a whole thing, I forgave them but never told them I did so that I could hold it against them if I ever needed to in the future.

Plus I WAS FRIGGIN DEPLOYED, I had more important things on my mind so whatever.

I'm used to seeing weird random crap on the internet, and me and my fellow Millenials already developed solutions, workarounds, and bypasses A LONG time ago... Back when RuneScape and MapleStory were *new*.

So like... You're way behind the curve buddies.

Anyway; so there's this cabal of pseudo-intellectual wannabe-illuminati who try to get trans people to cut their bits off because, I don't know? They don't know how women work?

You can't threaten people with a *Good Time*... It just doesn't work out the way you want...

But uh; If you want somebody to blame for the recent wave of De-Trans who regret their decisions and don't know they may have been "Mind Controlled" into doing it... This is where you Look.

And now; I wash my hands of this. I had like, 6 other posts planned to write about tonight some of which are in a similar vein... But I'm not gonna lie... This one REALLY got me in a place I haven't been before so I'm just gonna watch anime or something.

[schizopositivity]

Hello hello– someone on the schizophrenic-spec here– I've been struggling a lot / flogging myself for struggling with basic hygiene.

My question / ask is primarily; is this struggle.. common? I suppose is the word? Like is it something others on this spectrum deal with? And if so– why? ( Knowing the why's often helps me figure things out and work through them is all )

And additionally; a positivity post in regards to bad hygiene and not being "lesser" for it? Perhaps?

( Apologies if this is accidentally a vent btw. )

The struggle is common, and is often seen as a result of the negative symptoms of schizophrenia.

Usually it's thought to be caused by our avolition (lack of motivation to complete basic tasks like taking care of hygiene). It could also be that executive dysfunction (trouble organizing thoughts and actions, and getting distracted) is common amongst schizo-spec people. Also since depression is common in schizo-spec people that could also contribute to lack of hygiene maintenance (like not thinking you are worth it or not seeing a point in it, or again lack of motivation). And for me and my schizophrenia, I have trouble reading ques from my body when it tells me to do things, so sometimes I need to be reminded by others when to eat, brush my teeth, use the bathroom, wash my clothes, etc. Also for hygiene things like the dentist, it could be because the reasons I listed in my post about how it can be hard for schizophrenic people to go to the Dr. for treating their physical health.

It could be any of these reasons or a combination of them, either way it is very common for people on the schizo-spec to struggle with hygiene. It's okay to struggle with this and it shouldn't be seen as a flaw of the person with it. It's just another part of their disorder.

Although I do think working on improving hygiene for schizo-spec people is very important. A lot of routine hygiene is to prevent problems in the future like tooth decay, infections, fungus, and plenty of others. I'd never blame the individual for these eventual problems, but I do think it's important to be aware of the possible repercussions and if possible, work on avoiding them. Maybe by googling "how often should I _" and then setting reminders in your phone. Or doing what you can at the moment like "I don't feel like showering today but maybe I can wash my feet and face and armpits in the sink" or "I can't brush my teeth but I think I can use some mouthwash".

It's not something anyone should see as "gross" or a moral flaw, it's just another symptom in a disorder that you can't control and didn't choose. The mentality that unhygienic people are less than comes from centuries of classism, racism and ableism. It's never the judged individual's fault, it reflects more on the person with the prejudice to judge. It doesn't matter if you can't afford hygiene products, are seen as inherently unhygienic, can't maintain hygiene because of physical or mental disability, it's never your fault for being judged for it. Even if it does lead to health issues in the future, that's still not worthy of being judged. And also no one is better than you for being hygienic, that comes more from privilege than from hard work or moral righteousness.

This has been a struggle for me, especially mentally to not see myself as gross for not being able to maintain hygiene. It's been a long journey of unlearning bias, and seeing what is best for me, and not best for other people. I try to balance it out like being really proud of myself for flossing and brushing my teeth one day, yet not being mad at myself when I don't have the energy to floss and brush my teeth another day. It's just another thing I have to think about, that others might not have to.

[itsmarieposa]

A Heartstopper Rant!

This contains minor to major spoilers by the way, so if you haven't watched or read it yet, then its best to keep scrolling and minding your own buzz. This is a lengthy one too so brace yourselves!

So... I just watched Heartstopper and finished reading the book, now while waiting for the updates of Volume 7 in webtoon, I decided to post a rant about Heartstopper because honestly, there is so much that I just want to say about the series.

First of all, I just want to say that Heartstopper is like being wrapped up in a warm blanket, having a hot chocolate, and being cozy and comfortable while the weather is cold or stormy. You know, those kind of days where you just want to feel comfortable? That's what Heartstopper is. I realized this while I was in the middle of episode 6, the scene where they're looking for Darcy and Tara and the gang barges into the door where they were locked in and then they ran cause they were late to the concert. All throughout the series, both the comics and the tv series was so warm and comforting and the reason for this is probably because it is really relatable. Come to think of it, a lot of what the characters did, we have done it too. Like when Nick was questioning his sexuality, so he ended up searching "am I gay?" on Google and I bet, if not all of us then at least a lot of us did it too. His confusion and frustrations was so relatable that I started tearing up too right as his tears fell down.

In my case, I really feel the struggle of Nick because I, too is feeling really confused about my sexuality. At the age of 15, I knew I wasn't straight. It felt weird to be labelled as "straight" or "heterosexual" because that didn't feel like me. I'm still confused to whether I am bisexual or pansexual, all I know is that I am not straight and me kissing girls and having been on a relationship with them and finding them hella attractive seals the deal. I still like boys but girls too. Which is why I hate that some people are mocking and laughing at that scene because that was such a heavy feeling. To be so confused and have no one to tell them what you are feeling so you resorted to the internet (which kinda helps tbh). Anyway, another relatable aspect is how Nick tends to "people please" like he can't say no and he cares too much about what other people thinks, a valid case is when he couldn't say no to Imogen's date because he didn't want her to feel bad and just as he was about to set things straight, her dog dies. I have a hard time saying no to people and wouldn't want to upset them so I really feel for Nick at this scene and others.

He really just radiates Golden Retriever vibes and I love how Kit Connor portrays Nick. At this point, Nick Nelson and Kit Connor are one and the same because you honestly just can't find the difference between the two. I am convinced he was born to play Nick and I am so happy and proud that he embodied the role. There could never be a Nick Nelson if it weren't for Kit Connor. I will literally fight you if you disagree.

Moving on, another person who is relatable is Charlie Spring. Honestly, I feel like I kin him. No joke, I feel connected to him more than anyone in the series and I think it has something to do with his mental health and how he carries himself. I'm not going to tackle his mental problems too much because I don't want this to end up sad and depressing, but I would like to touch up just how some particular scenes made me feel. An example is in the comics, wherein he overthinks why Nick is greeting him every time they passed by each other or when they are inside their form room. I feel for Charlie cause I would literally start overthinking why this popular rugby guy who's friends with some bullies is being nice to me, like is this some type of ploy? A joke? A prank? like isn't that something you would most likely do too? I swear, the minute I saw Charlie overthinking, I was like "oh crap! it's like another variant of myself!" and then I just watched and read as he continues to spiral into negativity especially in the other volumes and all I wanted to do was cry. I also felt for Charlie when he made out this scenario in his head about Nick confessing his feelings and I posted an Instagram story about it with the caption "same Charlie, same" cause I also create scenarios in my head like 24/7. It's quite comical and entertaining. So yeah, I kin Charlie Spring and I will protect and defend him until the end of times making sure that no one will hate on him. I'm trying to keep my Charlie rant brief so I might just make another blog post solely for him. He deserves it.

Let's not forget about the actor who brought Charlie Spring to life though. Joe Locke, if you ever end up reading this, you are an amazing person and no words could describe how much of an inspiration you have become. Like Joe's portrayal of Charlie Spring is just really amazing and great and show stopping and everything good basically. Just like Kit, I will fight you if you ever disrespect Joe. Literally, I would. I will smack you the way Tao smacked Harry with his beanie.

Speaking of Tao, I also relate to him. Not a surprise really, at this point I feel like I relate to all the characters (minus Ben and Harry cause fuck them). I don't relate to Tao a lot, but I do relate to his fear of being alone. I also have abandonment issues. I also relate to Elle because as we have seen it, she had a hard time making friends adjusting when she moved to Higgs. I also struggle to make friends when I'm at a new place, hence why I still have no friends at the place where I am currently living at :)

Although, I do have a bone to pick with the Netflix adaptation. It is obvious that they will change some parts of the story and add more stuff to it like them adding Imogen. What I don't understand though is them changing how Tao figures out that Nick and Charlie are dating. I really didn't like how he figures it out already since they only managed to say it during the Paris trip and for all of you who has read the comics, its kinda a long while till he figures it out. But I guess I can deal with that. What I am having a hard time dealing with is the fact that Elle practically snitched, telling Tao about Nick and Charlie. Like my girl Elle from the comics would never do that. Elle knows how to keep her promises and her mouth shut and considering what happened to Charlie with how he was outed, it really boggles my mind that Elle tells Tao about it without Charlie's knowledge or permission. Charlie already struggles from lack of control ever since the trauma that he got when he came out as gay without his consent. He didn't need that and it was out of character for Elle.

Despite those issues, I still enjoyed the Netflix adaptation and I really look forward to season 2. Call me dramatic but I instantly went to Google to ask "will there be season 2 of Heartstopper?" Yup, that series has officially taken over my life. Thank you Alice Oseman. If you haven't figured out, Alice Oseman is the person behind the great series, Heartstopper and she is brilliant, talented, and really amazing. I love her and I love all of the cast. Even the dog who played Nellie.

I really love Heartstopper. It has now been one of my comfort series ever since it came out and it's just refreshing to see a show about the LGBT+ community that isn't all sad and depressing, because not being straight isn't something bad. Just because you're gay, lesbian, pansexual, bisexual, or etc., doesn't mean it's the end of the world. In fact, it's really great to accept and to have finally figured out who we actually are because not a lot of us has the luxury of figuring out ourselves. Some of us, like me, is still a little lost and confused and that is the most frustrating thing ever. It really is. And of course, there would be the causes and the effects of coming out and it can be quite horrible and terrifying since there are a lot of judgmental and homophobic people, but I think the series made it a point to always mention either in words or just in actions that as long as you have those who supports you, they can be many or just one person, it's gonna be okay. We don't owe this people anything. To hell with what they say, we're living our lives and we are happy, they can shrivel up and turn to ashes. We are important, not them. They're just jealous cause we get to be happier and free with loving whoever the hell we want. At the end of the day, we all have someone to support us and that realization came from me watching and reading Heartstopper repeatedly.

It's comforting because it's relatable.

With that all said, thank you for reading my rant and I'll end one of my Heartstopper rants with the word:

"Hi!"

[madampianoo]

Hey guys 💖 Here's Zlatans latest FULL interview with France Football. Hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did. This was such tasty appetiser before tomorrows main course meal match and start of his new season.

P.S. Please excuse english, it was google translated

Have you ever found your stolen Fido Dido ?

"Not. They stole it and I never saw it again. But maybe it was cosmic justice for all the bikes I stole. It's a pity, it was my favorite bike ... "

If you could find the one who stole it from you now, what would you do to it?

"I would buy him a new one and take mine back."

You devoted a lot of space to that story in your autobiography. Was it a turning point in your life to move from the role of victim to the other side?

"No. I was young and stupid. I did all sorts of things to survive. I needed a bike to ride here and there. When they stole my bike, I started stealing them from others. I did it solely for the reason that I could not afford to buy others. I know it's not a positive story ... But things like that are done to move forward in life, right? ”

What would you steal from football today if you could and give it to little Zlatan ?

"Nothing. I would just tell him to be more patient. And that his hard work will return one day. I worked hard, but I didn’t have the patience. I wanted everything now. "

How did you learn to be patient?

"It's very difficult when you're young. But when you have the experience I have now, learn what patience is. But when you are young and wild, full of various ideas and energy, when you want to discover the whole world and learn everything at once, then it is not easy to be patient. You need to be surrounded by people who have experience, who will calm you down and who will tell you the truth. "

What will be left behind Zlatan Ibrahimovic when he finishes his career?

"I do not know. Something will remain ... If something remains, it means I did a good job. Maybe some of my ideas and thoughts will remain from everything. That you should believe in yourself, that you should have your own personality and that you should not refrain from saying something you think. "

Did you make mistakes?

"I make mistakes every day. I am making a mistake now that I am talking about your newspaper. "

Maybe we're making a mistake talking to you too ...

"I'm kidding ... Mistakes are normal, we make them every day and they help us to be better people. "No one is perfect."

What are you most proud of?

"Everything I did. I come from a place where everyone condemned me and told me that something was impossible. I was constantly told that I was not good enough. And I'm still here. I stand still in my football boots. At 39 years old. And I'm proud of that. "

Could you have done more than this?

"It can always be more and better. It's a question of mentality. "

Even you?

"Every person can do better and more. In my head I always aim for the maximum and I am always convinced that I have given the maximum. Could I have done better, that can be discussed ... "    

Do you ever get tired of the attention of the public, journalists, fans, everyone's opinions?

"It's all part of my job. I didn't choose it that way. When you are as good as me, that is inevitable and must be accepted. "

How do you comment on the claims of some that you are a great player in small games?

"Everyone has the right to an opinion and to express it."

Did that bother you when you were younger?

"Not. I used it as a propellant to be as good as possible. I was motivated by such stories. I went forward and looked to never be satisfied. I received all these criticisms in such a way as to ignite the fire in my heart and to extract additional energy from them. "

What do you regret?

"It simply came to our notice then. Do you really think that I would be a better football player if I won all the trophies? "

Not. Even the Brazilian Ronaldo did not win everything ...

"Exactly. Of course, it would be wonderful if I won everything. But that doesn't make me a weaker or better footballer. I like guys who say to me: 'Zlatan, you didn't win the World Cup, you're not a good player'. Okay ... But it's easier to win the World Cup when you're French than when you're Swedish. Let's go back to the Champions League. The longer you wait for it, the sweeter it is. I still have a goal to win it. I won everything but her in club football. But I won't quack even if I don't win it because I've already done a lot more than most footballers. I'm a happy man. "

You didn't even win the Golden Ball. Does Zlatan miss the Golden Ball or does the Golden Ball miss Zlatan ?

"I think they miss me there on that list of conquerors."

You finished in fourth place in terms of the number of votes in 2013, and that is your best ranking. Is it weird that you didn't win it?

"You see, every player wants a trophy that tells him he is the best in the world. Deep down, I think I'm the best in the world. It would be prestigious if I won it, but it is the voters who decide. You journalists are voting and you know why I didn't win it! Ha-ha-ha ... ”

Well, it's not just us from France, there are also journalists from all over the world ...

"A-ha-ha!"

Messi and Ronaldo have won it several times. What do they have that you don't have?

"If you talk about essential qualities, I have nothing less than them. If you look at the trophies, I didn't win the Champions League like them ... But I really don't know how you measure and calculate that. Nor am I obsessed with it. You see, when you do good collective things, then individual rewards are a consequence of that. An individual cannot be good if the collective is weak. "

Where do you see yourself in the history of football? If there was a table, where would you put yourself?

"What do you want me to answer you?"

Who would be next to you on that table?

"It is not relevant to compare players from different eras. Everyone played in their generation, with different teammates. These are difficult things to compare. Everyone has their own story, and mine is full of problems. "

Does your personality set you apart in the world of football?

"I am just what I am. People try hard to be ideal to others. I always say ‘Be what you are and that is perfection’. I will not change because of success. For no reason will I change. Whatever happens, I will be what I am. I just want to play my game and have my team win. The rest will come of its own accord. I didn't choose to be famous. It's just a consequence of the work I do. "

We thought about jumping out of the pattern and what you're doing on the field.

"But it's all connected to the field. People talk a lot off the field today. But if you're not good on the field, and you talk a lot, then you're just a clown. "

Are there many clowns in the world of football?

"As much as you want ... A bunch!"

You consider yourself ideal in your head because you are what you are. How do you know this is right?

"I don't want to be perfect to someone else by force and talk about how I don't make mistakes. Maybe all this is a mistake. But I will remain what I am. I don't want you to send me questions before the interview, I don't want to know what you're going to ask me, I don't care. Readers will judge us whether the interview is good or not. "

When you left Paris Saint-Germain, you said, 'I came like a lion, I leave like a king . ' Do you really care so much about being remembered?

"I wrote my story in Paris and left my motto. Now let someone else write it and leave your motto. I don’t try to make people remember me by what I say. He will remember me on the field and what I did there. "

Are you arrogant or pretentious?

"I'm just a man full of confidence."

Does it matter to you that they recognize you as special?

"I am not special. I am a normal guy and a professional. I don’t want to share my whole life with the rest of the world. I'm not an instagram clown who wakes up in the morning and thinks what is the most beautiful photo for him to post. I share my professional challenges with the rest of the world. Privacy must exist. I don't want to share it either. But I want to share some parts of my professional life because it's part of my job. "

Do you deliberately block the fragility and insecurity from your childhood with your behavior, when the fierce guys in your Rosengard called you "lukewarm"?

"No. And I have a part of the personality that is fragile. I have emotions and weaknesses. There are things that hurt me. It's all natural. I'm not the Hulk, I'm not Superman, nor have I ever wanted to play them. I had difficult moments that hardened me, but I stepped forward. Today, I am no longer a guy of 20 or 25, but a family man with two children. I think differently, but my character has remained the same. "

Are you still a fierce guy at 40?

"People, is it possible that you still consider me a football gangster?" I know you had that title and some picture ... I'm no gangster. Of course I'm still a strong guy. I am almost two meters tall and I train hard and work on myself every day. I'm not someone who lies on the beach and shows muscles. I was born like this and I try to adapt the game to my constitution. I'm not as fast as I was at the age of 25, but now I have some other qualities. "

Does that mean you're a good guy?

"Yes I am. When you meet me, you will see how much heart I have. When they don't know me, people hate me. "

Do you want to be loved by everyone?

"No. I just want to be respected when I do something good. In fact, what is the love of all? There can be no love from someone I don't even know. Love is something reserved for those closest to you. Take Inter fans for example. When I was with them, they loved me. Now they hate me. This means that love has never been as real as with loved ones. Love cannot arise and disappear so quickly. I'm not one of those guys who will organize humanitarian actions just for someone to tell them: 'Wow, he's a good guy!'. It's a 'fake'. I'm going to do something because I want to do it. And not because someone would like me. I do it with my heart, some do it with my brain. If I send money to hospitals, it doesn't have to be known. I'm doing this because they really need that money with this damn crown. And I will not brag publicly. "

Is that one of the worst things in football today?

"It's simply part of football. People want to have perfect images. But in the end, they will meet reality. Everything will be known. Look at Tiger Woods. It seemed to be the most perfect character in the world ... People, just be what you are and don't try to be someone else. Don’t manipulate because it will all come back to you. No filters! ”

When you learned the Swedish national anthem, did you do it from the heart, not to be loved in your own country?

"When I was little, I didn't feel like a Swede. My parents are from Bosnia and Croatia. They influenced me to feel different, to look at me differently, to judge me differently and to treat me differently. That's why I didn't feel 100 percent Swedish. But today I am 100 percent Swedish. Even in France today, many talk about some old France and old times. The world today is full of various mixes and contrasts. And it doesn’t mean you’re not 100 percent Swedish or French if you accept that world. When you are young, you do not understand some things. It is mentally difficult when you are treated differently as a child. People think that it will pass quickly, and they do not know that the consequences remain for years. I was always in favor of getting the strongest blow at once because the pain lasts less than being constantly harassed with small and vile blows. Constant harassment leaves longer traumas. But those people who are harassing do not know that they are backward and live in the old world while we pass in front of them with the new world. It is a world of open minds in which I am Swedish and in which my children are Swedes. "

Do you still think differently from LeBron James, with whom you used to be friends?

"I do not want to enter politics because it divides people. Football unites people. I was lucky to meet people I would never have met without football. From all over the world. "Sport and politics are two different worlds and I am glad to be in the former."

But it happens that you express an attitude that has to do with politics.

"We athletes spread love and joy. I'm good at it and I know how to do it. You will not bring politics into my world. "

What are your fears and anxieties?

"With this corona situation, the world has changed completely. The situation is improving a bit, but ... The other day I went out to a restaurant with my family. It was weird. Then cam video audience in stadiums. And that was weird to me. I got used to it and I only wanted one thing: To go home ?! I'm used to the house, the masks ... It won't be easy to come back mentally. I hope that everything will be the same as before, but I am afraid that this will leave consequences on people. "

When you became a parent, did your children bring fears?

"There is no room for fear when we talk about children. We can talk about weaknesses. When you have children, they become your weakness. Then your life is no longer in your hands but in theirs. They become the most important ... Guys, we missed the interview date! I won't give you any more! I'm too expensive to tell you so much, ha-ha-ha ... "

How expensive are you?

"A lot ... Ask PSG!"

Can I have another five, ten minutes?

"Come on."

We would like to ask you about retirement. Are you afraid to stop playing football?

"A little bit. It is difficult for every football player when he has to retire. You have been programmed throughout your career. It is known when you get up, have breakfast, train, have lunch, rest, have dinner ... Someone else takes care of everything, it's just yours to press the 'repeat' button every day. The first day you wake up at the end of your playing career, you ask yourself, 'What the hell am I going to do today?' You are no longer programmed and you do not know what to do. That scares me a little. But what should I do? Luckily, I don’t think about it yet. I'm not for retirement. "

We in France call it the ‘little death’.

"That's it! Absolutely! After a lot depends on what kind of person you are. How will you cope and how will you fight. It's not easy".

But isn't that some kind of relief? You can eat and drink whatever you want

"After my playing career, I want to disappear. When you are in this world like me for so long and you know what you have been through physically and mentally, you just need to disappear and enjoy life

[sideshow-wolfie]

Coming Out...

I've been happy with these terms for so long, I feel like I need to express it to you... Even if it felt a bit painful...

I'm proud to announce that I'm Genderfluid. I've been having a Gender Dysphoria for a long time, since 2 months into my Sophomore (11th) year, and I finally found out who I truley was... Previously I was Demigirl, meaning I was full girl, but different. THAT didn't suit me anymore as I got to February... I just went off as genderless, Aka Nonbinary. Nonbinary suited me for a little bit, until that wasn't the case either as Spring Break started. I looked through the information, and I finally found out why my Gender Identity changed constantly... In the end of April I discovered I was Genderfluid... What does that mean?

My gender identity changes around infinitely, and it concludes that my gender was never meant to be confirmed.... I was previously a girl, but I'm fine with They/Them Pronouns. ❤️

Here's an example:

Day 1: Nonbinary

Day 2: Bigender

Day 3: Pangender

Day 4: Demigirl

Day 5: Transgender

and the gender list goes on and mixes around everyweek and day.

Lastly, for the gender part, I have been connected to wolves for so long.. both mentally and physically.. so long that I did not realize what I was until now. (I was like this all the way back in 2012, when I was in elementary)

I kept thinking I was something else. I constantly howled when I'm home alone, and that I wish I had someone to do it with me... And I bark, like other wolves or werewolves...

Not that I'm Genderfluid, but I am also WolfGender. WolfGender means that I connect with Lycanthrope/Wolf/Werewolf Life, and that I was a wolf in the first place...

I have been questioning to myself if I was always going to be with a boy, girl, whoever else, or remain single for the rest of my life when I was a girl...

In 2014, I had watched a show that eventually made me feel this... attraction to people.

You guessed it...

Inanimate Insanity

But so to let you know, it is NOT season 1. It is season 2.

The character that started to make me attracted to a gender was Microphone... Microphone was a hyped contestant, but eventually things got deep for her... I had loved this character for 6 1/2 years, and I kept constantly drawing her as a werewolf... Whenever I drew Mic, I felt happy. When I was 10 years old, I got a T-Shirt of her... My god I felt like life was complete ❤️

Throughout Middle School, I have had my first relationship with someone... Zero was my first crush that I had ever hung out. However, long story short, we broke up due to multiple toxic reasons (Involving me, and It was my fault...).

That took me a whole year to move on, and breakups aren't that easy to get over sometimes. I thought I couldn't be happy anymore, until I found Cory...

Cory was also a girl, like how I was... We both met on deviantart, and we would always hang out with each other. We both liked the same thing, and we like the same kinks (Aagh, I apologize for mentioning!!), But they weren't NSFW, don't worry! Me and Them would always chat on Discord... But then I developed a crush on them... Cory felt suprised when I told them how I was starting to feel... It had been 2 years since I fell in love with someone, and I was happy that the feeling came back.

However, we didn't start a relationship just yet... and was called off early a week after I told them in March, due to the fact they were shy... I understood that feeling. What honestly almost lost my future was the prom. Originally, Cory DID have a prom date to celebrate their night, but he cheated on them for another female... When they told me that he cheated on them, I knew It was time for me to become who I was meant for...

I wanted to be a Lesbian for the rest of my life... And it was my time to have that chance again... I was NOT desperate, but I wanted to make our future into a perfect never-ending chapter... We got together in April 2020 (during the COVID-19 pandemic), and I am happy to announce that we are still a couple! Though there ARE a few changes...

Cory eventually became Genderqueer and Bisexual, because they fell in love with a person (which is now a girl), and... I kinda felt anxious, but hey, it's all settled... Cuz, love is love.

I became Genderfluid, but I mainly identified as a boy, and considered to myself as Gay (I still did NOT want to be reminded of my previous relationship with Zero nor the Guy that had used me for Sexual Assault).

Both of us had felt more... And I realize that Love can and will be infinite 💙❤️🖤♾

So Everyone, Yes I am gay, but I'm also Polyamorous! Unfortunately it IS illegal in the United States, so this is why I'm not telling my school or my family about this... They do accept me for being Gay, but not the Polyamorous part. Again, I'm not telling them I'm Poly, in order to keep myself from being attacked and teased.

To Finalize my Coming Out Blog, I am also feeling attracted to something else... Kinda like how I fell in love with Microphone, but was from another show.

The show was called The Simpsons.

The Simpsons is one of the oldest animated sitcoms, yet it is still the funniest hits I had ever watched from Fox. Without them, I wouldn't have typed this final part...

However, I was not attracted to Marge, Homer, Lisa or anybody... In fact I was in love with a phsycopath... It isn't Snake Jailbird, or Homer's Killer...

I'm In love with Sideshow Bob (Robert Terwilliger).

At that moment when I felt flattered whenever he spoke, or was shown in some scenes of the show (old and new seasons, EXCEPT FOR HIS OLDER APPEARENCE)... I had drawn him for the first time, but it was kinda crappy, because I never drew a Simpsons character in my life. When I was younger I drew Itchy and Scratchy... For a while I stopped... I had a crush on both Itchy and Scratchy... Now it's that Palm Tree Haired Cutie. ❤️

I suddenly got curious if it was possible to love an character like him as a babe... Google gave me and answer, and It found out what my puzzle was.. it's not Bisexual, which I kinda figured...

Apparently, I am Fictosexual. I am in love with animated characters, whether from an adult animated show, teen animated, and POSSIBLY all-family animated show... Which Technically for me, I would always lay my heart on Bob's.

In Conclusion, it's ok to love who you care about, and what you care about, and it is okay to be true to yourself. You can be who you are, and who you think will make you happier, even if it is animated X3

Happy Pride, everyone! YOU ARE ALL VALID!!

#LoveIsLove

[utapribr]

Back in 2015, I’ve received this ask:

At the time, I think I didn’t take this question as seriously as I do now. Being honest, it sounds cheesy at first, but ever since that time I’ve come to truly understand and appreciate Utapri’s messages. Specially because, well, their music did change my life. 

It’s a long read, so sorry in advance! I just really needed to write my thoughts after these last few years.

Let’s start from the beginning. Around 2013~2014, three of my close friends came over to my house, and they brought a friend of theirs too. We spent the day talking nonsense, watching some videos and just having some fun. At a certain point, this girl mentioned an idol anime her sister was watching at the time and introduced Maji Love 1000% to me. At the time I didn't really make much of it, but for some reason I couldn't really forget it, and decided to watch it in the following days.

While it didn’t exactly pull me in during the first watch (there were only seasons 1 and 2 at the time), I downloaded some songs I really liked and then that was it. However, those songs grew a lot on me, and while checking english translations, I felt touched by them. I was going through a very hard time mentally and those songs made me feel like... Hey, maybe I’m not alone? I knew those characters were just characters, but still... They were singing so sincerely about connections, friendship, the bonds we make with people, and specially about how they would always be there for me. I rewatched everything and THEN I fell for it. There was no turning back.

I’m brazilian though, and Japan is literally on the other side of the planet. I didn’t understand Japanese , but I truly wanted to understand those songs. I felt they meant more than what I could grasp by just reading english translations (which isn’t my first language either lol). I also knew there were deeper stories in the games, but they were never translated, so I decided to start learning Japanese on my own. And while I was at it, why not translate it to portuguese and help other people that maybe didn’t know english, but liked the franchise as much as I did?

Of course it was a crazy idea. Learning japanese on my own was insane, most of the stuff I did translate was a combo of looking at the original lyrics, gathering other translations (in english), checking google translate constantly and trying to figure out something that made sense to me. Then this tumblr was born (mainly to post translations in portuguese! oh well haha), and somehow people started talking to me and interacting, and I’ve made many friends that were really kind and nice to me, even though I wasn’t really doing anything that interesting here. I have many good memories of Revolutions because of the times spent togethere here talking to you guys.

So, 2015 came around and I had to decide what to do with my life since I turned 18. At first I majored Latin because... ? But then later on changed my major to what I truly wanted from the start - Japanese. I was finally going to understand things and then translate it to help others! It was my main goal, really.

I’m not gonna pretend those years were easy. There were many times I felt like giving up. I had a hard time understanding Japanese, feeling inferior to other people, enduring some pretty hurtful words from teachers that believed I would never be good. My schedule was crazy, and I spent so much time studying Japanese that I didn’t want to consume more of it when I got home, so I distanced myself a bit from Utapri - the very reason why I started studying in the first place! It hurt my heart to feel that way tbh. 

But I could never really forget those lyrics that were so precious to me.

"If you are lost, look at the sky and call the seven names. Look, you are not alone. Let's hold hands, please call STARISH, we'll always be together..."

It may seem like a cheesy idol group line, but at that time it was my strength. It kept me going. I had STARISH. I had Utapri. They'd always be there for me.

And they were.

Even though I wasn't checking out every single new song right away and such, at every step, STARISH (and utapri in general) were with me.

A notebook I personalized and took with me to classes (QN was at the back!)

Presentation me and my friend did for a Japanese Linguistics assignment. I got to use Utapri as source for examples! I've also managed to get a 10 on a final assignment in which I basically introduced Quartet Night lol

Aside from putting little references to it during my stay there, basically all of the friends I made there were made because of Utapri. Forreal, my besties are a Cesshi stan (and we were mutuals here before we even met irl! 5 years of friendship and counting~) and a fellow Masa stan (I still remember the three of us getting together to watch Maji Love Live 6th Stage on DVD <3), 2 of my other Japanese classmates (and close friends!) were also made because of our mutual love for utapri, not to mention friends of other majors that saw my utapri stuff and came to chat. Me, the one who was socially awkward and had a hard time making new friends actually got many people by my side thanks to Utapri. And when I decided to give a shot at teaching japanese as part of a program at uni, there I took utapri with me.

Two of my friends gave me these! There's also a Masa clearfile my friend gave me that I really treasure~

I also kept in touch with some friends I’ve made while being active here and on twitter, very sweet and amazing people that were always kind and understanding of my multifandomness. There were also tumblr friends that I stopped keeping contact, but still remember with a lot of affection and gratitude. So if you’ve ever interacted with me here, know I’m really thankful that we got to share the same passion for this franchise ^^

Nowadays, I am almost graduating (should've done it sooner, but well, COVID...), with Japanese as my major, teaching it to other people (and lowkey making a living of it! I’m finally being able to grab official merch own my own, dreams do come true...), with amazing friends that have been by my side and helped me through everything. 

And those lyrics remained true. Through all of that, utapri was with me. It still is. Songs made in Japan managed to change the life of a random brazilian girl, on the other side of the world. I am extremely grateful things happened the way they did. I don't know where I'd be if that friend of a friend never introduced me to Utapri. I don’t know where I’d be if I never created this tumblr and tried to learn Japanese.

Aos brasileires que tem por aqui (acabou que hoje tem mais gringo que tudo haha), muito obrigada por sempre serem tão lindes e estarem por perto. Até hoje juro que nunca conheci uma pessoa ruim nesse fandom, principalmente no fandom brasileiro. Apesar dos boicotes da Broccoli que nos odeia, fico muito feliz por terem pessoas tão especiais conectadas pela música. Tamo junto!

As a now 24yo woman, I am thankful to everyone involved in this project and all of the people that love it and have always been so nice and friendly to me (to this day, it’s the best and healthiest fandom I’ve ever been part of). So yes, now I can properly answer that question. Music does change the world. I believe it. It changed mine.

Now Broccoli pls stop region blocking Brazil on Spotify!!!!!

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

[xxisxxisxxis]

La fin

Inspired by this ask.

Present day Duff and Vivian reflect on their romantic relationship

I sat down with my best friend to discuss our affair for the first time in 26 years…and gain a final piece of closure the two of us have yet to attain from one another. 

"This is gonna be interesting because both of our spouses are here." I say as I sit down, at my kitchen bar and Duff takes a sip of his water before joining me.

"Nah, Su's as cool as a cucumber. We got this." He replies. "...I don't know about Sixx but me, you and Su can handle it." He teases. 

"If you get war flashbacks, baby, just remember you're sober." I tell Nikki and he chuckles. 

"I'll just go to the bathroom and sing 'Kumbaya'." Nikki adds and Susan laughs. 

"It won't be that bad." She assures him. "I got my waterproof mascara on. I'm ready." 

"I'm getting through this without crying." I state.

"You cry over google commercials, Viv." Duff informs me.

"Because they know how to market. This happened…" I have to do the math. "...thirty-two and a half years ago. I won't cry." 

"Okay, well, just in case, I came prepared." Susan tosses me a pack of Kleenex. 

"Thank you." I say to her, doubting I'll need it.

"I'm about to start the camera." Nikki tells us, going to press start on the camera he's got set up to film this. "Oh, it's already started." He states. 

"It's okay, people won't care." I shrug, taking a sip of my Pepsi. "Okay, Hey, Guys." I say to the camera. "This is a very special occasion because I'm here with my best friend, and the father of my first child, Michael Andrew McKagan a.k.a Duff McKagan a.k.a Daddy McKagan according to some of you nasty, freaky, bastards." I pipe and Duff rubs his face. 

"Oh my God." He chuckles. 

"Do you read your instagram comments?" I remind him and he nods. 

"It's just so weird to hear it in real time." He explains. "I think that's one of the most odd things you can call a sexual partner. Like…'daddy'..."

We just stare at each other for a moment and I look at the camera. 

"He just single handedly dragged me in the nicest way possible." I say to him as Nikki and Susan try not to laugh. 

"No, I jus--well, you can say whatever the hell you wanna say and call him whatever you wanna call him because you've earned it with the shit you've been through, but it's just odd for me to go online and there's, like, girls 30 years younger than me calling me 'daddy.' Like, I'm not sure if you realize this, sweetie, but I have daughters your age." He points out and I start laughing. "I-I could actually be your dad. Careful now." 

"I think Vince has a higher chance of being these horny girls' father." I state. 

"I know, but it's just food for thought, you know?" He shrugs. 

"I don't even know how to transition from that to the topic--which is a serious topic, but this is just...oh my gosh." I giggle out, not able to stop. 

"Speaking of 'food for thought'," He creates a transition for us to go into what we're talking about and I take the opportunity. 

"Yes, we will be discussing our weird relationship-but-not-really-because-I-was-married-and-confused situationship in honor of my book coming out 'Verbatim: The Truth, The Whole Truth, & Nothing Left Unsaid', which tells everything that happened from 1981, to early 2000s, that people have already read about in everybody else's books." I explain. "I've had this, 'it isn't anybody's business' mindset and now, I feel like I'm in a place where I can tell what happened, including our thing--which is something, believe it or not, we have not talked about as much as people think we have." 

"No, we haven't." 

"I don't know exactly why we haven't spoken about it much, like it happened, it obviously happened because we got a son out of it...we just haven't acknowledged it happened, really. Which is why we're gonna ask the tough questions and hopefully get through some stuff."

"Which is nice because I honestly think the last time we even alluded to it was 1994, right after I got sober, and was advised to resolve things in my friendships, and even then we didn't get everything out there." He replies. "At least I didn't, and I feel like a lot of people have something to say about it, and we spent so many years letting other people define what that time was to us--which it was such a private and personal thing between the two of us that other people's two cent shouldn't have had the impact on us that it did--but we let it get to that point where we lost sight of what it meant to us and let it be defined however the fuck people wanted to call it. And that wasn't good for either of us, and I think that's one of the things that's kept me from bringing it up again. Especially now that, ya know, I'm married, have two grown daughters with Susan, you have Nikki and your children, and I've always thought there's no point in bringing something up that happened--like you said--thirty-two, almost thirty-three--years ago.

"Because you don't want to hear the b.s."

"Because I don't want to hear the b.s." He agrees. "But the more I've thought about it, there are parts of me that feels like I didn't get to say what I wanted to say when we decided to go separate ways, and that just gets fucking heavier and heavier with each year, and I'm sure you might, too." 

"Oh, definitely." I agree completely, able to relate to it. "I feel like one of the main reasons for me, why I haven't tried to talk to you about it is because, like you said, people will automatically start something out of absolutely nothing, but also because I felt like I never had the right to." I state and he furrows his brows a little. "Why did you wait so long to tell me how you really felt about me?

He lets out a breath before thinking a moment. 

"I refused to hinder what little happiness you had left in your relationship with Nikki. I knew you guys were struggling, I knew you were fighting like hell to get your relationship back on track, and I didn't want you to have any more confusion going on than what was already being put on you and if I would have told you how I felt, that would've done that. And then I was with Mandy for a while and that kinda helped me feel like I was over those feelings, but I realized I wasn't when she and I broke up."

"Did anybody else know about how you felt or..?"

"Well, I--yeah, Stevie thought it was just a little, like, I had a crush on you, but Izzy knew I loved you...which is why he wasn't shocked when they found out about us." He says. "...Of course he wasn't surprised because all the Nikki/Vanity stuff happened, so he was kinda expecting you to do something, which--okay, I don't know how to ask this." He admits, thinking of how to word it, glancing at Nikki. 

"What?" I ask him. 

"I just don't want to come across as an asshole for asking this because I'm assuming it's a lot deeper than just...okay, whatever, I'm asking it." He decides. 

"Okay." I prepare for it and he sighs. 

"Why did it take that level of public humiliation for you to realize you weren't in a good marriage?" He asks and it nearly makes the breath leave my body, Nikki and I looking at each other. 

"Because it was public." I confess. "Everything else that had been done, had been done in private. There was no public input on it, there was nobody watching the situation unfold under a microscope, everything that happened up to that point was private. So, he could trip during a crack binge and shoot me and I could stay with him because I didn't have the public watching me, giving their opinions. But when his mistress announces it on TV, I can't just gloss over that because now everybody knows and has an inkling that 'uh oh, they're not this perfect relationship they've made people believe they are' and yes we came out and said it was a lie and tried to undo that damage that Denise caused, so physically I was still in the marriage, mentally I was drawing up divorce papers. And I'm not completely sure it was just the very public aspect of it, I think it was the fact it was her. And I realized, 'I can't compete with a woman who has absolutely everything about her that Nikki is addicted to: she knows how to have a good time, she's equally as wild as him, she's got the sex appeal, she's got all the drugs, she's on the same level as him in terms of entertainment industry' just everything that I wasn't...she was. And I was too exhausted at the point to try to compete with her so I gave up when that came out."

"I remember Izzy ranting, 'she's fucking comparing herself to Vanity and there's no reason to'." He impersonates Izzy and I chuckle. 

"He drilled into my head for years to follow that I was fine the way I was, I didn't need to change anything about my looks, my personality, my hobbies, my sobriety, like it was like 'The Help' when she's constantly reassuring the little girl 'you is smart, you is kind, you is important'." I quote. "Anytime Izzy could see me struggling with myself or not feeling my best he'd be like 'seventeen outta ten, Viv. Seventeen.'" 

Duff looks enlightened, and points to the space behind my right ear. 

"That's why've got '17' right there." He realizes and I nod. "In his writing." He adds. 

"In his writing." I confirm. 

"That's--wow. I didn't know you struggled with that for so long because there was no competition." He assures me.

"Well, I already had shitty self-esteem and then that made it worse, and then even when you and I were together I still had this fear a little bit that you were only with me to help yourself get over Mandy." 

"Abso-fucking-lutely not." He doesn't even think before saying and I feel myself tear up a little. "No way. No freaking way. I loved you, Viv, I really, really did. When you told me that you were filing as soon as the tour was over I started planning out our lives together, as crazy or cheesy that makes me seem, like, I was really going for it." He tells me.

"Duff." I feel guilty, my heart aching a little. 

"I remembered, 'okay, she wants this many kids, she says she likes dogs but really wants a cat, too, she doesn't want to live in the middle of the city, she doesn't want an over-the-top house, she wants to go back to school at some point so I'll put away some savings for that', like, I was planning out everything and fitting Guns N' Roses in wherever there was time in that whole plan. I was ready to be with you and start a life with you. I really, really was." He adds and I see Susan's sympathy for him, only adding to my guilt. 

"Well, just rip my heart out, why don't you?" I ask him to add some relief and Susan giggles, her bright smile coming back to her lips. 

"Right?" She asks. "Geez, babe." 

"I'm just saying." Duff tells us. 

"Nikki didn't even plan his days out when he woke up back then, and then you were there with a calculator adding up how much money you probably needed to put away for my schooling." 

"We wouldn't have had any money to go to school, anyway, Viv, 'cause it was all going to taxes and heroin." Nikki points out and I think for a moment. 

"And house payments." 

"And house payments." He agrees as I look back to Duff, who looks like he's thinking about something. 

"Okay, sorry if this is a weird question, but what did you mean you felt like you had 'no right' to talk about our relationship?" 

"Okay, well, we broke up, I was working on things with Nikki, you married Mandy four months after we broke up...I felt like 'okay, you've already gotten your husband back, he's gotten Mandy back, they're married, who the--' pardon my french ''--fuck are you to bring up your relationship and how it affected your friendship when you're both married to other people and doing your own things? Who are you to be worried with your time with him when you're with Nikki and he's got a wife, now?'." 

"Ohh, yeah. Yeah." He knows what I'm talking about, nodding. "So, you kinda felt like it was disrespectful to dwell on it too long." He adds. 

"Exactly. And I didn't want to disrespect Nikki, or Mandy, or Linda, and now Susan, by trying to work on us again, as friends, because we are exes, whether we want to admit it, we are. We dated. And I feel like it's easy to forget that sometimes because it was so long ago and that freaking sucks because I don't want…" My voice cracks and he looks at me pointedly as tears come to my eyes and I take a deep breath. "...I don't want to forget that time. And I'm not trying to be rude to my marriage or yours or make it seem like I still have those feelings for you, because I don't, but I don't want to forget there was a time in that hellacious cycle my life was in at that moment, that for a few months, I was genuinely happy in the midst of my life falling apart." I explain, sniffling. "And that wouldn't have been the case, if not for you. And I don't want to forget that." 

"Vivian." He says as I grab at a tissue and I see Susan knuckle a tear in her tear duct. 

"I don't know, it just felt like there was never a right time to address what happened fully because everything was happening so fast in our personal lives, for you and Guns, for Nikki and the band, I started having kids, and you got married a second time and your drinking was worse and worse, so it just never happened." 

"Can I ask you something else?" He says and I nod. "When do you think we should have said, 'look, we were together, it happened, and it's okay'. Because we avoided it like the plague for years and still do at times, and that's practically due to--like I said earlier--listening to how people defined it. Like you were called a 'whore' and a 'slut' and just awful shit in public and in papers and tabloids for years after it happened and I feel like because of that, there was that element of 'we should be ashamed of ourselves and just pretend it never fucking happened' surrounding it, even though we had Monroe who's breathing proof of what happened at some point, but we just treated it as if we adopted him together as friends or something like--" I laugh, wiping a tear, and he laughs with me for a few seconds. "--it's the truth, though, we never talked about our relationship. We went on Howard Stern in '88 right after Monroe was born, and he grilled us about it, but we just shut the fuck down after that and didn't speak of anything again for a couple years until we got in that fight over you limiting my time with Monroe, and then again in '94, and that was it--and none of those times really accomplished anything. At all." 

"We should have had that conversation before you got married to Mandy that May." I point out.

"That was so, so soon." He smiles nervously. "That was too soon, way too soon, to get married."

"You proposed to her the day after we broke up." I recall and he nods. 

"I sure did. I sure as hell did. So stupid." He states. "I learned not to make important decisions when I'm in pain. 'Cause I married two different women when I was going through some painful stuff and only made it worse." He explains. 

"And see that's the thing because you had me completely convinced you wanted Mandy. Like I felt so much better when we broke up, knowing you were with who you really wanted to be with, and I was with who I wanted to be with, and then I found out in an argument with you that you were miserable and married Mandy to try to make yourself excited about being back together with her." 

"And that's exactly why I told you that because I needed you to be happy and if I would have told you how I really felt about you, you wouldn't have been happy because you would've felt guilty for staying with Nikki and fixing things with him. And I wouldn't have forgiven myself if I would have put you through that so I married Mandy so fast because I was hurt, and I thought I loved her as much as I loved you, and I held on to that and ran with it." He tells me. "Why wasn't I good enough for you to stay?" 

I go to answer, before the weight of what he's asking really hits me, and several tears topple down my cheeks before I'm wiping them away. 

"I can't begin to put into words how highly you surpassed 'good enough'." I inform him when I finally speak. "Um, my decision to stay with Nikki had absolutely nothing to do with you. That was all me, and issues I thought were resolved within myself that weren't resolved at all, I was just ignoring them." I say. "And something in me was telling me not to stay with you...and I fully believe that was God telling me to back the hell off because he had a plan for you and I had no business accompanying you in that plan as your significant other." I explain. "And I hate to say this, but I really feel like we would have gotten divorced." 

His eyes widen and his brows raise, a knowing smile on his lips as his nods his head. 

"And I hate to think that but we would have made it, maybe, up until '92 because I wasn't even your wife or your girlfriend but just being around you made me so miserable." I admit. "I-It was like--you would get up and start drinking until you passed out that night. I was watching the person who had his shit together the most in my life, fall apart, and that was scary for me because we had a son who was witnessing his dad spiral." 

"Yeah." He rubs his lips together. 

"And getting you to take accountability for what you were doing was like trying to bathe a cat." I add.

"And it took me months after getting sober to evaluate what went wrong in my life with the band, what went wrong in my relationships, what went wrong in my parenting with Monroe, what went wrong in my friendship/co-parentship with you, and own up to what I played a part in because none of it imploded on it's own, or just because of other people, like I played a part in all of it, too, and admitting that took a lot of time to swallow my pride and just accept that I became the very thing I got pissed at Nikki for being, years prior to that, and saying, 'okay, I made all those mistakes, I fucked up, how can I do better and learn from it to better myself, to better my friendships, to better my relationship with my son, and just do what I'm supposed to do?' And I even ended up going to Nikki, and apologizing for what happened between us," he motions between me and him, "because even before you and him were separated over the Vanity thing, knowing you went to me for shit, over him, made him feel less than, made him feel like he wasn't a good enough husband and I kinda felt the same way when he stepped up for Monroe when I was going through my drinking, and it made me feel like I wasn't adequate enough as a father because Monroe was leaning a bit more on him than he was on me, and for the shit I was going through in my life with my alcoholism and drugs, I was doing the best I could do as a dad. And it made me realize that Nikki was doing the best he could do as a husband back when he was in the thick of his heroin addiction, because he was sick and couldn't fucking help himself, just like I was sick and couldn't help myself, and neither of us wanted to hear we had a problem, neither of us wanted help. And I know people are gonna, 'well, Nikki cheated and was mean to her and this and that', I know what you looked like when Nikki was hurting you. I know the look you would get on your face...I know that I hurt you as much as Nikki did through my drinking because you would look at me the way you would look at him when you weren't recognizing the person in front of you due to how royally they had fucked themselves up." 

"Yes." I nod, not even arguing. 

"And that fucking hurt to realize that I was hurting you as bad as he had, and I remembered getting so pissed at him for doing that back in '86/'87 as he got worse, but then I did it, too, and that experience really opened my eyes when I got sober because I wouldn't have been humbled in that way had I not had a drinking addiction and reached that low, and I do think that's one of the reasons that was allowed to happen to me." He finishes and I take a deep breath before asking:

"If Monroe wouldn't have been conceived, if we wouldn't have had a child to come out of our relationship, knowing what we know now, how we ended up not staying together, the public slander and stuff we had to go through...would you still have had a relationship with me, if you could go back and change it?" 

"Without a doubt, yes." He says, matter-of-fact. "It would have been a waste of a blessing to not have taken the opportunity to love someone as recklessly--maybe even stupidly, at times--unconditionally, with the magnitude I loved you with, at such a young age. Like, usually you can expect to find something like what we had when people get a little older, and get through all their bullshit relationships before finding the person that loves them for them fully, but I had the chance of experiencing that when I was, like, in my early twenties...and I didn't experience that again, and so much more, until I met Susan." He says and I nod. "And I don't want you to think that because we haven't spoken about it, maybe as much as we should have, that I'm ashamed of you or us or embarrassed, because I'm not proud that we did what we did in that timing--because it was really shitty timing and we both can agree on that, I think," he raises his brows and I agree, "but I will never be ashamed, or apologetic,  or embarrassed that I ever had that with you. I felt like one of the most fortunate people to even know you, and then to have that relationship we had--even for the few months it lasted--was just...it was such a short time compared to how long you've been with Nikki and how long I've been with Su, but we spent it loving each other the best that we could. And we really did love each other, and we do still love each other--even if it's not in that same way, the spirit of it, I guess, is still there. There's still that 23 year old kid in me that'll kick somebody's ass over you, and wants to see you happy, and is in absolute love with you. And don't get me wrong, there's a 56 year old me that wants to see you happy and that'll still kick somebody's ass over you." He clarifies, making me laugh. "I'm just pointing out that even when those feelings went away, I don't think that bond ever did." 

"Yeah." I nod, sniffling as I press a tissue to under my eye to catch more tears. "Do you, um...do you remember our break up?" 

He exhales and gives me a little smile, nodding, before tears come to his eyes.

"I--yeah, I...I remember it…" He informs me. 

"We had just gotten done messing around, and if we did anything before we went to bed we would just stay in bed and go to sleep, but if we did anything in the afternoon or whatever we'd get up shortly after and clean up and go about the day. And we got done, it was, like, 2:00pm, and it was this odd feeling in the midst of it that 'this is gonna be the last time we ever do this with one another', and neither of us said a word, we just laid there with each other for four hours when we were done, taking in every second that we could. Well I finally got up to go back home and check on Nikki because he had OD'd the night before." I explain. 

"And you went to the door to leave and I stopped you, and was like, 'I know you're going to make things right with Nikki, and I'm going to fix things with Mandy, and I want you to know that I love you, and I'm proud of you, and I always will and always will be'. Of course you can understand me a little better now because I was crying when I choked those out, but, um," he laughs and I smile back more tears. "And you said, 'thank you, I love you, Duff' and gave me a kiss and a hug and then you were gone." 

"And we rarely spoke about it, again."

"And we rarely spoke about it, again." He confirms and I let out a breath, feeling more tears swell in my eyes. "What a fucking way to end a relationship." He adds. 

"This is where I'm really gonna start crying, um…" I start, chuckling nervously. "...I wasn't thanking you for being understanding, I was thanking you for everything that you'd done for me, and it took me a while to understand that that was one of the things I felt like was unresolved because that 'thank you' had a lot of weight behind it." I tell him. 

"Okay." He tells me, listening intently. 

"This is so freaking stupid and unhealthy but I wrote suicide notes for when Nikki finally OD'd and died, because I knew if he were to go, I'd have to go with him, I couldn't live without him." I tell him and he looks a shocked. "You taught me that I could live without him when I didn't think that I could, and you brought me so much peace and rest in a time when I couldn't remember the last time I was at peace, and I sure as hell couldn't get any rest. And I felt, and still feel, so indebted to you for those months that you spent trying your hardest to fix what you didn't break--you risked your career over me, you protected me, you defended me, you supported me, you loved me--and that's what I was thanking you for that day, and I feel like I've got a weight off my shoulders now because I have never told you that and I've always wanted to but didn't think it was a good time." 

"Holy shit, Viv." He wipes a stray tear, and I see Susan doing the same, Nikki just smiling at me like he's glad I've gotten that weight off of me, because he knows I've been wanting to say it for years.

"And I'm sorry it was such a shitty breakup that kind of came out of nowhere." 

"The way you were screaming and crying and begging God whenever we were trying to get Nikki to wake up, I knew if he lived you were gonna fix things. I was prepared for it, I promise." He assures me. "And I'm really glad we got to do this and get this out there with each other and I really hope you were able to get some closure with this, because I really did." 

"I did, too." I nod, wiping more tears. 

"I love you." He tells me as we get out of our chairs, giving me a quick, innocent, peck on the lips, before hugging me tightly.  

"I love you, too." 

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Grace & Janis

Grace: bitch you better have hidden all MY baby pics!!! Janis: obvs my number 1 priority Grace: mhmmmmmm don't be letting that boy see me looking like that Grace: as if our house isn't cringe enough Janis: what, a child? Janis: still got those chubby cheeks, cutie Grace: ew don't even Grace: I learned how to contour for good reason thank you Janis: mhmmmmmm Janis: curse this family and its DNA Janis: [sends her all the baby Grace pics we don't have] Grace: STOP Janis: 😂 Janis: n'awh Grace: you're so annoying it's no wonder you're their new fave Grace: so who's more 😍😍 for him, mum or dad? Janis: bit rude to their old fave Janis: giving you a place to bunk, have some manners Janis: 🤔 hmm, it's close Janis: probably the mother, chatting about some art project he has to do so Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: like if you're not gonna offer to do it for him, hush babes Janis: the idea of her coming at me with a 📷 got me like Janis: [suitably grumpy child pic] Grace: 😂😂😂😂 Grace: does he have to use 📷? she could just get one of her old 🎨 out Janis: oh yes, 'cos the idea of posing for a portrait thrills me more Janis: I think it can be any medium, it's his thing Grace: you only have to sit there tho Janis: not trying to spend any more time here with them tho Grace: 👌👌 true Janis: strictly dinner kinda deal Grace: I'm so sure dad made soooo many courses anyway Janis: I told him to be chill Janis: so naturally he hasn't Grace: ugh Grace: do not miss his dinner time check ins Janis: its only been a couple of days Janis: wouldn't get comfortable not missing anything Grace: UM can you not remind me that I have to come back Grace: so rude Janis: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: cute that you miss me tho hun 💜 Janis: like I'll be here hun Grace: you invited him there 🤞🤞 that you EVER see him again Janis: no I didn't Janis: I wanted them off my back, that's the plan Janis: now and I can leave and they won't freak Grace: he's still meeting them Janis: ? Janis: he'll get over it, it's one night Grace: !!! & 😱😱😱 Grace: it's mum & dad how long do they even need to make you wanna die Janis: it's more funny when you don't care Janis: worry about yourself Grace: I'm fine thanks so much Janis: were you waiting to talk about yourself Janis: 'cos go ahead Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: never stopped you before Grace: excuse you Janis: hm? Grace: really nice catching up, babes Janis: hm Grace: see you soon or not Janis: toodles Grace: 💜👋💜 Janis: call off your bitch, will you Grace: ??? Janis: who do you think Janis: why does she even watch my stories Grace: idk or why you think I haven't already told her to get over it Janis: fuck's sake Grace: why do you even care if she watches your stories? literally everyone is rn Janis: I don't care if she watches but tell her not to message me Grace: I obvs will but she obvs isn't gonna listen to me Janis: if she doesn't she's getting a slap Grace: LOL Grace: you know who her dad is, you can't Janis: no I don't Janis: though she'd like to think everyone does Grace: OMG just block her Grace: you wanted mum and dad OFF your back Grace: literally why bring him to dinner to start more drama Janis: they don't like her either Janis: it's not drama Grace: Duh she'll cause it if you hit her Janis: then she better shut up then hadn't she Grace: what's she even saying? Janis: does it matter Grace: if you want me to message her after days of not Grace: like I'm gonna just hit her up without knowing anything Grace: I'd look mental Janis: you know what Janis: forget it Janis: god forbid you inconvenience yourself however slightly Grace: OMG just tell me Janis: it shouldn't fucking matter Janis: let her tell you since you're so keen to side with her already Grace: I can't even take sides if I don't know anything Janis: I'll sort it myself Grace: by fighting her Grace: for god's sake Janis: and what Janis: your approach has worked so well? Grace: okay so it's all my fault Janis: thanks but that admission don't really help Grace: STOP Grace: & just talk to me Janis: why Janis: so you can act like she's not your best friend Janis: that you don't know that she's been like this to me for years Grace: you're my sister Grace: I can give you a million secrets you can use Grace: tell me how bad it is first Janis: I ain't interesting in playing your little games Grace: so what do you want me to do? Grace: I'm literally saying I'll be on your side Janis: You brought her, you get her to go away Grace: okay Janis: good Grace: for you, sure Janis: how do you always make yourself the victim Grace: how do you have the nerve to ask me to do something & still act like a bitch Grace: you said it, she's my best friend Grace: this isn't gonna backfire on you Janis: She's already fucking me over, it doesn't need to backfire Janis: and it's no one's fault but you're own that she's your friend Janis: don't expect sympathy Grace: you think she can't do worse than a few DM's Grace: oh honey Janis: I'm not scared of her, get a grip, for fuck's sake Grace: so happy for you Grace: you know what, handle it yourself Grace: hit her, do whatever Janis: yeah no shit Janis: you've not done anything about her a day in your life Grace: yeah cos it's so easy Janis: poor you Grace: don't talk to me Janis: make your mind up jesus Grace: go away Grace: I'm so done with you & this Janis: get the fuck over yourself Janis: you were buzzing at the chance for more petty mean girl bullshit with her Janis: do something with your life and she might give a shit again, you're not using me for your in Grace: I wanted to help you Grace: until you reminded me why that's THE WORST idea ever Janis: you never help anyone Janis: saying you're nice and helpful but then never doing it 'cos everyone else is THE WORST Janis: don't make it true Grace: oh please Grace: I've never said I'm nice or helpful Janis: oh please, you do constantly Janis: you can't take responsibility for shit, it's me, it's her, it's your shitty exes, yeah? Janis: maybe it's you, Grace, you're the common denominator Grace: okay thanks Grace: you're really helpful Janis: I don't want to help you Janis: let's be clear Grace: Great, so shut up Janis: no Janis: this is your fucking fault, you should get an nth of the bullshit I get Grace: me and Mia aren't the same person Grace: if I had any control over her I'd have used it way before now Janis: you think you're any better? Janis: at least she's upfront about it Janis: got some balls Grace: 👌👌👌 Janis: you really are pathetic Grace: wow Janis: what Grace: if that's the best you can do, it's obvs why you wanted me to deal with her Janis: working with the material I'm given Janis: which is fuck all really, isn't it Janis: but no, you're known for your acerbic wit and silversharp tongue Janis: my mistake, please tell her off like you've never managed before Grace: are you like done yet or not? Janis: nope Janis: you actually thought I would ever come to you for help Janis: when have I ever needed you Grace: well you actually did so Grace: how awks Janis: It's actually awkward that you think me venting to you so you know what you started is a genuine cry for help Janis: your thing, can't take that from you Grace: if it's my thing I know the difference between venting & asking surely but go off babes Janis: Diego has less miscommunication in his life than you Grace: 👏 Janis: Genuinely Janis: you should really get help at school Janis: some kind of delay there Grace: yay we're back to how stupid I am Grace: been a min Janis: N'awh, not stupid Janis: probably a syndrome Janis: bet it's got a name, have a google Grace: 💜 Janis: let us know, get everyone to start talking really slowly at you and all Grace: I'm fine with none of you talking to me Grace: thanks though Janis: yeah Janis: that's why the only place you have to go is your sisters Janis: you've got no one but them so I'd get back on the 💜 train Janis: who the fuck would have you that ain't bound by bloodties and duty Grace: way ahead of you, babes Janis: stop slagging them off then as if you and me have a thing in common Grace: stop policing what I say Janis: say something worth hearing Grace: to you, no thanks Janis: to who Janis: already pointed out you have no one if you ain't got Mia Grace: obvs to no one then duh Janis: obvious for two reasons then Grace: sure Janis: 💔 Grace: yeah Janis: kiss and make up because everyone is sick of it Grace: 👌👌👌 Janis: Serious Grace: Chill, I'm sure she'll be my date to the vow renewal Grace: are you done with dad I need a q & a? Janis: what Grace: it's a simple question, hun Grace: literally need to talk catering so like are you done or not Janis: what are you talking about Grace: Rio and Buster being the most extra couple ever Grace: like hello? did mum and dad not fill you in Janis: you better be fucking joking Grace: 🙄🙄 Janis: if you send one more emoji I'll shove that phone down your throat Janis: are you serious Grace: like I'd make up a 2nd wedding Grace: get a grip Janis: this is bullshit, obviously not Grace: they're already married, babes, they have a kid, you're kinda too late to object Janis: fuck off as if you support it Janis: no one does, no one wants to go to that that's why they had to do it alone Grace: exactly, they could care less if I do or not Janis: well no one cares what you think Janis: it's irrelevant Janis: the point is, why have another wedding no one wants Janis: this is the last thing anyone needs Grace: cos they are holding their breath waiting for your RSVP or opinion I'm sure Grace: he asked & she said yes, that's how it works Janis: shut the fuck up Janis: this is the most selfish thing I've ever Janis: she's so full of shit Janis: it won't be happening Grace: it literally is happening though Janis: no it isn't Janis: not when she gets called out on what a hypocritical lying cunt she is Janis: see how much you feel like celebrating then Grace: as much as this fam ever does Grace: one big party 24 7 Janis: nah, fat chance Janis: they've not destroyed enough they wanna rub everyone's face in it, don't think so Janis: 3 lives they utterly fucked, there's no celebrating that Grace: not the way they see it Grace: & it's how they see it that matters to them so Janis: It's easy enough to change their mind Janis: fuck's sake Grace: How? Janis: not going to be you that does it so what's it to you Janis: roll over quicker than anyone asks, you Grace: it won't be you either Grace: he'd have to tell her to call it off for her to listen Janis: like fuck it won't Janis: someone has to say it Janis: she was here last time and she ain't no more Grace: & what did it change? Grace: they did it then & they'll do it now Janis: You're a quitter, I'm not asking you to get on board Janis: she's gonna listen Grace: If any of us told you to stop seeing Jimmy, you wouldn't Grace: they love each other, get over it Janis: and she ain't me Janis: if she cares even a degree of what she fakes Janis: she won't want another death on her hands Janis: it's not hard when what they're doing is sick and wrong Grace: stop it Janis: nah, like fuck Janis: if you cared about those kids like you fake, you'd want them taken off them Janis: the shit they're going to get Janis: and you cry every day about your shit life Janis: he should know better, his parents being what they were Grace: None of us want any of this Grace: but it's too late Janis: it's always too late with you Janis: no you can't do anything 'cos you're fucking weak and you need them all Janis: I don't need any of you, you can all rot Grace: Janis, don't Janis: fuck this shit Janis: fuck you Janis: fucking catering are you out your fucking mind Janis: over my dead body Grace: Stop saying that Grace: OMG Janis: You act like she was the crazy one Janis: she did the only thing that made any sense Janis: getting away from this toxic fucking family anyway she could Janis: you aren't even a real person and it's their fault and you do nothing about it Grace: Please don't fucking go Janis: Why would I stay Janis: why would you Janis: they have no right to miss her, none of them Janis: they all gave her reasons to get so far out her head that she'd fucking Janis: fuck Rio, fuck mum and fuck dad Grace: I can't do this on my own Janis: We've never been together Janis: you'd pick them every time Janis: you'd help her plan her bullshit wedding that's about nothing but showing off how much she gives a fuck about no one but him Grace: Give me something to do that isn't leave or kill myself Grace: I'm going mental here Janis: you should hit up Ollie, see if he's about it Janis: can be just like her Janis: she's doing just fine Grace: There's worse things to be than like her Janis: there's nothing worse Grace: at least she's happy Janis: she will be until one of hers dies Janis: then she'll be broken and pathetic like mum and dad Janis: and she doesn't have the excuse of not knowing better Janis: she helped kill Edie and then thought of ways she could make that situation even worse Janis: she's worse than them and has the nerve to act like what, some kind of mother figure doing her best for all of us Grace: She cared about Edie & she cares about us Janis: not enough to do the right thing Janis: they never do Grace: it wouldn't have saved her Grace: you know that Janis: that makes it alright then Janis: if mum did it first Janis: break her some more Janis: damage already done Janis: too late Janis: you're so fucking brainwashed and what do you get from it Janis: are you happy Gracie Janis: 'cos you're fucking collateral Grace: of course I'm not Janis: then stop drinking the kool-aid and telling me how good it tastes Grace: Rio's trying to help me, she's the only one who is Janis: yeah her saviour complex done everyone real well Janis: Junior's life isn't fucked at all because she had to live it for him Grace: I'm just saying I'm not gonna walk away from her cos Edie would want me to Grace: Junior's life is fucked cos he has shit taste in men & goes along with what everyone else wants Janis: This family loved to surround itself with dead girls it was trying to help Janis: and you're happy to be one of 'em Janis: don't pretend you want other options Grace: I don't wanna die Janis: 🤞 she has a baby for you that she won't give you then Janis: you're never gonna be the one 'helping' Janis: you aren't her or mum Janis: that is your role if you don't get out the fucking show, Grace Grace: we've established I'm not helpful, babes Janis: we've established you aren't a person Janis: even this, you can't be real Janis: what the fuck will it take Grace: you don't want real from me Grace: you literally never have Janis: you've never offered Janis: and I ain't waiting around for you Grace: Every time I try & talk to you, you shut me down Grace: you obvs aren't waiting for anything from me Janis: When have you ever tried to talk about something that matters Janis: I'm not talking to you about hair when people are fucking dying Grace: when have you ever let me Grace: you're a bitch way before then Janis: why would I be nice to that Janis: You don't like me, I'm not begging you either Grace: nothing that matters to me matters to you Janis: the colour of your fucking lip doesn't matter period Grace: that isn't real Janis: You've never been real Janis: you don't give me a fucking chance Grace: I can't be real with you cos you just make fun of everything that I say or feel or do Janis: and you and your friend don't Janis: nah, everything I do hasn't been fucking wrong to you since before we got our periods Grace: I've never backed her up on anything she said Grace: I don't call you stupid or ugly or any of the shit you call me Janis: you just call be a bitch and annoying and weird Janis: so if all of that's fake, everything you roll your eyes at because I just don't get it, just admit, you don't want to be real with me Janis: never fucking have, pretending it's 'cos I don't wear heels has always been an excuse Grace: You are a bitch and I do find you annoying and weird Grace: & you don't get me or any of the things that are hard for me cos they aren't for you Janis: that makes it alright then, you can say whatever you like to me because you perceieve yourself as life's victim and it's all fine for me Grace: we have different problems Grace: I'm not saying your life is perfect, I'm not that stupid Janis: just better than yours so why should you even try to be nice Janis: landed you with a great crowd, that Grace: you think you're better than me Grace: you literally always have Janis: no, you think I'm better than you Janis: and I didn't tear myself down so you could use me to build yourself up Janis: you aren't her and I'm not you Janis: why do you think you fell into that kind of relationship Grace: you are better than me & it makes it really hard to be around you, okay Janis: thanks Grace: it's not like any of this is how I want it Janis: how can you sit here and expect sympathy Janis: when I'm the one who's left with no one Janis: you can deal with the shit and have friends and have them, I can't do that Grace: you think I'm dealing? LOL Janis: deal with theirs Janis: and they'll love you for it Janis: none of them are gonna call you a doormat, just me Janis: 'cos they need a yes man Grace: well maybe I wouldn't be here if they did call me out ever Grace: at least you tell me the truth Janis: well maybe it gets exhausting being the only one telling the truth Janis: do you think she liked having to have every conversation be a confrontation Janis: do you think I Grace: it's exhausting being fake too if you were thinking about swapping Janis: like I said, you've got plenty of company Janis: they all are Grace: Yeah but I'm the only one getting told to see a therapist Grace: like I'd know where to start Janis: told you Janis: love a dead girl Janis: breeding and 'fixing' people when they've got no business is this family's shared hobby Janis: reason they ain't try to section me, section her Janis: take your shoelaces, where's the fun in actually doing something Janis: say you will, fucking say you have, did Janis: but never actually do Grace: they couldn't section you, you're not mental Grace: her either Janis: give her a case when I say I'll top myself if she goes ahead with this wedding, won't I Grace: No Grace: if being angry was all it takes half this fam would be gone Grace: & the wedding wouldn't happen cos he's the worst for it Janis: they should be, that's the fucking problem Janis: seperate cells, all of 'em Janis: and yeah, he's a cunt Grace: You don't have long if you really wanna stop it Janis: yeah? Grace: they are rushing but obvs won't tell me why Grace: maybe they think people will try and stop them idk Janis: Brazil one probably wasn't even legal Janis: why should I care about their kids really Janis: why should I try and help any of them Grace: they're just babies, they didn't ask for any of this Janis: maybe not but maybe those two deserve for those kids to grow and turn 'round and tell them how much they hate them for doing this Janis: fuck it, I can't think straight Janis: maybe that's enough, maybe I just won't go, I'll be gone Grace: you'll come back though, right? Janis: can't think about that Janis: I should be happy right now Janis: but no Janis: can't Grace: you can be happy Janis: how can I Janis: it never stops it never goes away Grace: idk just worry about yourself like you always say to me Grace: forget about them Janis: can't do that when you're here Grace: forget about me Janis: no I mean Janis: I can't be here, I can't be anywhere near any of you and be happy Janis: and one reason to stay doesn't outweight all the reasons to go Grace: you're saying you're gonna leave him, aren't you Janis: this isn't fair on him Grace: it wouldn't be fair to do that Grace: on you either Janis: I know that, all he needs is someone who can stay Janis: I can't do it Grace: he loves you so he needs you Grace: you love him Janis: yes Grace: he'd go with you if you asked him Janis: the kids can't come Grace: why do they need to? he's got a dad, right? Janis: no Janis: they need him Janis: and he needs them Grace: oh Janis: it's not easy Janis: even if it feels easier than staying Janis: it's still so fucking hard Grace: I love you & if you only listen to one thing I ever say then Grace: you're really gonna regret it if you fuck things up with him Janis: I know Janis: but I should have never have let him in Grace: but you have now Grace: not to be that it's too late bitch again Grace: but like Janis: bad things happened to him too Janis: happen Grace: so don't hurt him Janis: that's all I ever do Grace: no Grace: that's faker than anything I've ever Grace: shut up Janis: I don't want to Janis: she didn't either, I don't think Janis: it's just Janis: seems like the only way to end it all, all the suffering Grace: nobody wants to, I don't think even Mia wants that, way deep down Janis: you can't end other people's, only your own Janis: but causing it means you're having some effect, right Grace: she had so much love in her, that's how she could do it, hurt people that deep Grace: so do you Grace: but you don't have to be like her Janis: I don't know what the alternative is Janis: like I said, it feels like someone HAS to be saying these things Grace: I think it's this Grace: trying Grace: being honest means being honest about like everything Janis: it's hard to do both Janis: that's the problem Janis: how can you tell Rio she's a hypocritical bitch that has ultimately put herself first and tell her she still held it down all those times we needed her to Grace: I know, babes, trust Grace: cos they can both be true Grace: I hate you & I love you Grace: nothing's just a or just b Janis: I guess the thing is, they get the rest from everyone else Janis: like you said Janis: you wouldn't be here if I didn't tell you the bad shit Janis: no one would Grace: you can still be the call out queen Grace: if he's the only person who sees the real you, maybe that's okay Grace: maybe its like that anyway Janis: it feels wrong Janis: we didn't always hate each other Janis: all of us Grace: I didn't always hate myself Grace: it's just Grace: things happen Janis: too many things have Janis: that shouldn't have Grace: Yeah exactly so don't make yourself unhappy Grace: there's been so much of it Janis: she died for nothing Janis: if more and more keeps happening Janis: just makes it more true Grace: she died for nothing anyway Grace: she was 16 Janis: and if I act like it, it's a problem Janis: but Rio gets to openly ruin more kids and we're meant to be happy Janis: I refuse, I won't do it Grace: she's just trying to be happy Grace: like you want to be Janis: no Janis: you don't get to try at the expense of a helpless fucking kid Janis: that you made Janis: that's not how it works, this is what I'm saying Janis: we aren't doing this again and pretending that that's alright Grace: I'm not saying don't tell her what you think Janis: how could she Janis: twice Grace: I don't know Grace: I don't know how she could fall in love with him or any of it Janis: it's not love Grace: she thinks it is, & she let it happen Grace: I don't understand that Janis: she's selfish or it's trauma-bonding Janis: she can have either Janis: but she won't admit it regardless Grace: of course she won't Grace: so just let it go Janis: no Janis: there's consequences to the shit you do Grace: they're her consequences to deal with Janis: and one of them is that I hate her and I'm not going to let her forget that Edie died hating her too Janis: it's not enough to yet again put it on some kids Janis: say hey, wait to see how bad the bullying gets and the doubt and all of it Janis: then turn around and say why the fuck did you two do this Janis: they hurt people Janis: and they still are Janis: they should care Grace: I think they do Grace: but idk if that's enough or not Grace: or what'll happen to those babies or any of us Janis: it isn't enough Janis: they aren't Grace: what I know is if you keep hating like Edie did it'll hurt you like it hurt her Grace: you have to stop Janis: we should be hurting Janis: she shouldn't be happy Janis: none of us should Grace: we are Grace: that doesn't mean you have to ruin everything for yourself Grace: that you can't ever be happy Janis: I'm not ruining anything Janis: it's ruined Janis: nothing has changed Janis: so no, we shouldn't be happy Grace: Edie literally wanted you to be Grace: & we were 12 so much has changed Janis: like what Grace: like you letting someone in Grace: being happy even if you think you shouldn't Grace: we're talking now that wouldn't have ever happened Grace: if you hate me more than you did 4 years ago that's still change, babes Grace: you can't stand still for her Janis: I'm not going to pretend we're blessed to live to make more mistakes Grace: do better like everyone says they are gonna but don't Janis: no thanks Janis: I'm not righting all this family has done wrong Janis: that's what they think they can do Janis: Rio and Buster, and they've already failed Grace: I'm not even talking about them though Grace: just do better for you Grace: stay with him, feel something idk Janis: I don't know if I can Grace: I can't answer that for you Grace: do you wanna try or not? Janis: It's not that simple Grace: with that attitude no Janis: no, it just isn't Janis: you haven't been in love, have you? Grace: no Janis: well it's like Janis: sometimes what you want, and even what they think they want, might not be what's right for them Janis: and if you really loved them Janis: you'd want what was best for them, wouldn't you Grace: you are what's best for him though Grace: I've seen you together, wayyyy more than I wanted to Grace: & I lowkey stalked him before that so Janis: lowkey is debatable Grace: thank you for focusing in on the right thing OMG Janis: I'm not trying to be a cunt for once right now but you know Janis: I don't think you can say what's best for him Janis: me either, really Janis: idk Janis: I wish I did know then I'd just do it Grace: so let him say it Grace: be there to give him the chance like Janis: that's not me Janis: I can't be the one getting left Grace: & he can? Janis: no Grace: so do you love him enough to let him really hurt you or not Janis: its all stupid anyway Janis: we only just met Grace: I don't think that's the point, babes Janis: it is, even some of yours lasted longer than this and you weren't in love with them Grace: hello I'm fake Grace: & a hoe Janis: I didn't intend to be real Grace: he can't do fake that's not your fault hun Grace: his face is a dead giveaway like literally always Janis: you can take hints then Janis: just ignore 'em Janis: good to know Grace: I'm not brain damaged Grace: you just wish I were Janis: why would I want that Janis: sounds dead irritating, if anything Grace: cos otherwise I'm just stupid Grace: no excusing that Janis: you're not you're just infuriating Grace: cute but yeah I am Janis: nothing cute about it Janis: it's ugly all the shit you pretend Grace: duh it suits me then Janis: yeah yeah Grace: yeah we can pretend that's why no one wants me instead of what the truth is Janis: what's the truth then Grace: that I am just ugly Grace: so my personality might as well be Janis: nah Janis: truth is, you don't wanna die, like you said Janis: if that's what it takes for you to survive Grace: I'm too scared, like I am of a lot of things Grace: but like I also said, things change Janis: it's scary Grace: if I ever do it get mum's old oujia board out & I'll let you know what happens next Grace: like a liveblog Janis: oh great Janis: here's me thinking I'd get some peace and quiet, like Grace: EW what if heaven's like a really amazing nightclub vibe & they don't let me in Janis: what do you wanna go to heaven for Janis: it's like here without all the interesting bits Janis: at least hell is offering a bit of something new Grace: UM cos I'm not into bdsm unless the boy's like really fit Janis: you'll be fine then Janis: Lucifer is famously too hot for heaven, like Grace: oh yeah I totally forgot Janis: grand scheme of bible teachings, probably encouraged to be a bit quiet on that one Janis: black nan be buzzing Grace: catch me sinning really hard from now until I kms so he's into me Grace: sorry nan Janis: really gonna try and be his favourite sinner Janis: 😏 Grace: You'll love it cos I promised Rio no boys & she'll be really 😠😠😠 Grace: 💜me perdoe, irmã eu tenho que pecar💜 Janis: 😂 Janis: gonna point out that there are 7 other sins Janis: and those are just the deadly ones, like Grace: yeah but like Grace: it's the one that'll get his attention easiest Grace: boys are so quick to get jealous Janis: the devil has and always will be a gentleman, babe Janis: not a fuckboy Janis: rethink the tactic probs Grace: excuse me that gluttony & sloth aren't moods for an attractive corpse Janis: hello it's your soul you're taking Janis: not a zombie fuckfest Grace: UM I still need all my exes devastated at my funeral thanks Grace: don't let anyone touch my hair though or I will haunt you Janis: ha your plastic weave gonna be there long after the rest of you is dust Janis: as for your exes Janis: got to think numbers Grace: RUDE Janis: alright for you to say, you won't be handing out sausage rolls to however many identical unimpressed looking white boys Grace: neither will you Grace: a glance to check I'm in there & you can go, babes Janis: oh please Janis: can't make me go to this farce of a wedding but doubt I'm getting out of a funeral that easy Grace: I'll literally write in my will so bye bitch Janis: cute you think the dead's wishes are getting honoured around here Janis: whether she wanted us to be miserable or happy, we're all doing shit regardless Janis: can't say she wanted us to muddle through ad infinitum Grace: she still died we can't just move on ASAP Janis: why it's better to be team miserable Janis: a case can be argued even if we aren't committing enough Grace: I'm sure your bf will be down his face is always 😒 Janis: you fancy him not me Grace: ew Janis: mhmm Grace: you can go ahead and put that wayyyyy into past tense thanks so much Janis: 😏 Janis: convincing Grace: I literally only wanted to hook up with him Grace: not gonna do that now so Janis: that's all you do with any boy so Grace: duh Grace: he's only special to you Grace: no boy is to me Janis: don't be gay Janis: x2 Grace: don't be homophobic Grace: it's gross & retro Janis: whatever Janis: every gay I know is a twat Janis: tell me it ain't related Grace: same tbh Grace: 🤔🤔 Janis: doesn't help they're related to me and all but when I'm right, I'm right Grace: you don't know any others? Janis: dunno anyone do I Janis: if you cunts are boring, not like the ones at school are any better craic Grace: idk who you hang with now bitch Janis: 🙄 Janis: yeah decided I want loads of mates Grace: you got a bf so who knows Janis: told you that was a mistake Janis: accident, whatever Janis: not a habit Grace: you could be making friends by mistake Grace: obvs so likeable Janis: I'd rather not Grace: 👌 Janis: every twat's the same 'round here Grace: true Janis: nah no more people Janis: undecided what I'm doing as is Grace: it's a mood Janis: bollock Janis: you hate being alone, famously Grace: duh but idk what I'm doing Janis: hiding at Rio's rn Grace: thanks Grace: not what I meant tho Janis: then you'll have to be more specific Grace: whatever Grace: how are there no parties tonight??! ugh Janis: probably for the best Grace: it's really not Grace: school's gonna start soon Janis: astute Janis: you check the calendar Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: do you know of any I don't? Janis: wouldn't tell you if I did Grace: that's so rude Janis: forgot why you've got a pity sofabed atm or what babe Grace: that wasn't a party & I wasn't gonna invite him to be my date tonight Janis: makes no odds, and dates a pretty loose term for 'you can frig me off in a random's lounge whilst their parents are out' as well Grace: it is shorter to type though so Janis: ha Janis: hilarious Grace: no just why I used it Janis: stick to babysitting Grace: I'm going out it'll just have to be somewhere else Janis: not doing this again Janis: got things i need to do now thanks to this awful fucking news Grace: not stopping you Janis: yeah right Grace: literally can't Janis: if you didn't want stopping, you wouldn't fucking tell me Janis: not after last time Janis: but I'm telling you, I ain't gonna be in any state so leave it out Grace: excuse me if for someone with no friends you have a lot of party invites Janis: called being likeable Janis: try it Grace: obvs & I obvs can't Janis: you don't try very hard Grace: LOL Grace: like I said, being fake is exhausting too babes Janis: well stop Janis: that's why no one likes you Janis: you're too much it weird everyone out Grace: I literally just said I can't Grace: but thanks Janis: how hard is it to shut your mouth for 5 minutes Grace: for you very Grace: so like idk why you're telling me to Janis: cos like idk I'm trying to help you! Grace: no you're not Grace: you're trying to get me to shut up cos you have so much to do Grace: you can just go Janis: sadly not Janis: waiting Grace: feel free to wait in silence Janis: why would I do that Grace: why not Grace: so easy Janis: nah Janis: I'm likeable, dying to hear what I've got to say Janis: too likeable to be off my phone rn so you'll have to deal with it Grace: 💜 Janis: I mean it, make sure one of them is sober Janis: I've got plans here Grace: I don't need you Grace: do what you want Janis: blatantly untrue Janis: made a massive twat of yourself last time Janis: which was, by the way, 2 days ago Janis: consider you have a problem Grace: & I'm so sure I will again but like it's my problem Janis: not though is it Janis: you checked out this entire convo Janis: affects all of us Grace: read back your own responses where everything is shit & we all deserve to suffer & nothing matters Janis: so sit and think about what you've done all alone Janis: that is suffering Grace: no thanks Janis: cool just ruin my night Janis: again Grace: it's not about you Janis: yeah it is Grace: no Janis: yep Janis: already ruined one plan so tah Janis: have to carry out this one after Grace: 👌👌 Janis: in a bit, cunt Grace: 👋 Janis: you really aren't subtle Janis: you know how easily I could forward this all to Rio, like Janis: think on Grace: then do it Grace: you love telling on me it's your thing now Janis: it is funny Janis: acting out doesn't really work if you keep telling before you do it Janis: not your thing by a long stretch Grace: I'm going out it's not a dramatic storm out Janis: yeah to get fingered 'cos you hate your ugly, stupid self, by your own admission Janis: so casual Janis: so not why the therapists are being booked Grace: literally so done talking to you now Grace: this convo has gone on forever Janis: it's cool it's forwarded Janis: 4G is amazing, idk where the fuck I am Janis: still, so fast Grace: wow Grace: I'll be impressed later like Janis: won't have the time Janis: though the drive back to mum and dad's is a fair while, yeah, you could use that time to really reflect Grace: I'll obvs make it for you, babes Janis: obvs Janis: fucking sad Grace: 💔 Janis: bet that felt like a moment Grace: mhmm Janis: n'awh Grace: yeah Janis: if you don't get some standards, honestly Grace: that's really working for you, yeah? Grace: it won't be any easier when he hates you than when he loves you, you know that Grace: get a grip Janis: like you'd know the first thing about it Grace: like you do either Grace: duh why you're terrified Janis: love a bit of projection Grace: okay sure Janis: not the one that freaks out when boys touch her Grace: so Grace: you're still gonna be alone anyway Janis: and? Grace: it doesn't matter if you push him away & if I'm getting pushed away by whatever lad Grace: even if you wanna use things I've said against me rn Janis: and you're the one that can't stand being alone Grace: oh sure keep pretending you love that but I'm so fake Janis: if I was fazed, I would've done something about it before now, what with how likeable I am to boys and girls Janis: no begging from my end Grace: you love him you literally admitted it Grace: stop Janis: and that matters because Grace: he loves you too Grace: you can't act like that doesn't matter Janis: sure can Janis: don't push me Grace: You're so stupid Janis: awh Janis: you are if you think there's any salvaging already Janis: like I could stick around with all that you threw at me Grace: me? Janis: yes, you Grace: how are you so delusional actually Janis: you couldn't want to tell me all about the stupid wedding Janis: you didn't have to Janis: mum and dad didn't for a fucking reason clearly Grace: you pushed me like you always do Janis: nah Janis: you dropped that like it was nothing Grace: you were being horrible for no reason like you always are Janis: the reason is you and your self-confessed shit personality but sure Janis: if it makes you feel better about the whole thing Grace: the reason was Mia but sure blame me again Janis: give a shit about Mia Janis: it was the wedding and you know it Janis: and you knew it and that's the only reason you said it Grace: I can't take it back now Janis: yeah well me either Grace: I didn't mean to just drop it on you like that Janis: whatever Janis: you want some attention, have at it 'cos I'm about to undo tonight Grace: why can't you stop Janis: why would I Grace: that's obvious Grace: undo whatever you've done to him instead Janis: how Janis: how the fuck do you reckon I can do that Grace: however he needs you to Grace: grow the fuck up & be sorry & try Janis: go to hell Janis: you're so fucked Janis: you care more about him than you do me what the hell is wrong with you Grace: I care about you Grace: for god's sake Janis: that's why you ain't once asked where I am or who I'm waiting for Janis: stop fucking talking about him Grace: cos I'm really scared what the answer is Grace: don't you understand that Janis: well it ain't Drew so my odds of leaving unmolested are slightly up Janis: though not his type, I don't reckon Grace: Every time you do this I freak out that it'll be the last time Grace: you won't come back cos either you don't want to or you can't Grace: if he's the only reason for you to stay then of course I want you to be with him Grace: I'm not sorry for that Janis: Well I can try for you but I don't think going catatonic and then bolting off is much of a turn-on Janis: 'specially not Janis: nah Janis: she kept this up for ages, good times, eh Grace: Talk to him Janis: gonna need to take this shit first Grace: Please don't Grace: I'm sorry for everything I've said and done literally ever okay Janis: yeah Janis: know you are Grace: Janis Janis: sorry alright Janis: and I never sent nothing to Rio so you can go Grace: I'll come to you Grace: wherever Grace: you don't have to Janis: I really meant it when I said idk where I am Grace: we can figure that out Grace: & I'll tell him it's all my fault, whatever you want Grace: he knows what a nightmare I am Janis: it's my fault Janis: this would've happened at some point yeah Grace: it's me, I'll fix it Grace: just give me a landmark to aim at first Janis: he was from Janis: Ballyfermot, yeah Janis: even worse than Tallaght, I remember she said Janis: don't come here I just need to Janis: aim back Grace: I can't just sit here like 🤞🤞 Grace: that's all this fam ever does Janis: shit Janis: this was really stupid he was horrible Grace: are you okay??? Janis: okay, I'll put my location on but I'll start moving, just meet me halfway Janis: one of Edie's old dealers/boyfriends Janis: said she had the right idea, yeah Grace: I can't even with that Grace: I'm in a car now so just move Janis: who is it Grace: just me obvs Grace: I'm not getting any of them involved Grace: I have an app for a reason like Janis: right no Janis: good Janis: just don't tell your uber driver I'm packing Grace: duh Grace: what are you gonna do with it though? Janis: can't just chuck it Janis: what if a dog eat it Janis: or a little kid Janis: kinda looked like some weird sour sweet you know Grace: find a really really gross bin Janis: or, could keep it and take it when he won't speak to me eh Grace: that's not funny Janis: I know Grace: I can't even breathe rn Janis: told you I couldn't pick you up Janis: tweaked driving is probably marginally better than drunk but still Grace: if he did something to you, you literally have to tell me Janis: he didn't, I swear Janis: he was just Janis: chatting about how he missed her and I wanted to ram his meth teeth down his throat Janis: bet he barely remembers her name Grace: that's horrible Grace: fuck Janis: he looked so old Janis: but I'm thinking it was just the drugs taking their toll, no way did she Janis: I hope not Grace: I don't wanna think about it but like Janis: I wanted to mug him, like Janis: show I ain't no hypocrite Janis: but I couldn't Grace: you can't do this again ever Janis: I don't wanna make promises I can't keep Janis: but like Janis: I don't even wanna take it, it smells and looks so Janis: toxic Grace: I will literally kill you if you die Janis: I don't know how much longer I can do this Janis: 4 years and I Grace: stop Grace: I'll help you Grace: I mean it, I'll do whatever you want Janis: I'm just so angry all the time Janis: and mean Grace: you can shout at me rn if you wanna, I'm already crying Grace: this driver has seen some shit Janis: people should be nice to you Janis: sorry your friends are dicks Grace: I should be nice to people Janis: fucking state of us Grace: idk how to be different Grace: it's been so long, before Edie even Grace: literally who am I? Janis: me either Janis: if I give up being angry Janis: give up her Janis: what have I got Grace: you never have to give her up Janis: I think I do a bit Janis: she couldn't make herself happy, I can't do it for myself and her Grace: she'd want you to be happy, I was so serious Grace: she was coming to see you Janis: us Grace: no Grace: she hated me & it was totally mutual Janis: but she loved you and that was too Janis: can't not Grace: if anything she was coming to ruin whatever tween celebrations I had planned cos that'd make you happy Janis: I can't remember anything about that day Grace: me either Grace: how can it not feel real when it's the realest thing that ever happened Janis: how did we find out Janis: who told us Janis: I don't know, genuinely Janis: not like when I pretend I've forgotten things Grace: I feel like it was dad but maybe I've made that up Grace: cos of after Grace: idk Grace: we should know that, shouldn't we? Janis: yeah Janis: that's the problem, right Janis: 9 kids, to tell Janis: sort of thing you want to do one on one but then some would know before ithers and how Janis: how would you do that 9 times Janis: he must've just, Janis: it must've just came out Grace: how would you even do it once Grace: I can't talk about anything ever Grace: literally not an exaggeration Janis: I told Jimmy she ran away for good Janis: not that she's dead, that we know where she's gone Grace: you don't owe him the story if you don't wanna tell it, babes Grace: everyone knows so much of our business Janis: their mum Janis: they don't know where she is Grace: like she just left? Janis: I think so Grace: how old was he? Grace: that's so sad Janis: I don't know, I don't ask he's just Janis: we've both said some stuff Janis: but Bobby is 6 so Grace: you wanna talk, can't relate but Janis: sometimes it feels almost right, like he'd get it Grace: yeah Grace: A lad once said to me 'you don't fuck like you've got a dead sister' like word for word that's what he said Grace: what does that even mean, you know Janis: people are so fucking weird Janis: does he mean you weren't sobbing at the time or that you weren't giving it your all like you've seen death so you know life now Grace: I didn't ask for clarification Grace: I just threw up and left Grace: but like it'd be nice if someone understood it, maybe Janis: nicer than that doesn't take much but Janis: maybe it's worse Janis: and maybe I'm a dick for comparing Grace: but maybe he wants someone to understand too Grace: it's really lonely getting left all the time Janis: Grace Grace: ?? Janis: are you sure you don't want him Grace: EW Janis: you'd be much nicer Grace: no I wouldn't Janis: well you wouldn't run Grace: yeah I would Grace: just not like physically cos 👠 Janis: if he fucks Mia I'll cry I think Janis: then kill her Grace: he would never!!! Grace: he hates her and she's livid about it Grace: like same but I'm relieved Janis: it's only been a few hours right Janis: maybe I can Janis: oh God, I'll have to explain the entire Buster and Rio saga if I even want to explain tonight Grace: I'll drop you off if I ever get there Janis: hope your driver isn't the kidnap kind Grace: Don't that would be the perfect end to my evening Grace: he lives by nan & grandad, right? maybe I'll go there Janis: k but you'll have to share the bed if he won't let me in Grace: lowkey would have to give you the bed cos it's my fault so 🤞🤞 he does Grace: so over sofas OMG Janis: should make Saint swap you Janis: he'd fall for it Grace: my back hurts so much okay I haven't done yoga since I was like 8 Janis: should join mother on the lawn Grace: 😱😱😱 Grace: mhmmm LIVING for any direct comparisons between me & her Janis: defs gonna slutshame her into dressing her age Grace: ughhhh Grace: how could you ever sit him down for dinner with them Janis: you know, take the piss out of them relentlessly behind their back Janis: feel him up a bit under the table, standard Grace: thanks for that mental 📷 I didn't want or need, hun Janis: soz Grace: he's hot but like you're also there so Grace: awks Janis: I won't take offense Janis: though my ego is wounded Grace: nbd I just haven't been a hoe for a while & that's obvs everything I am rn Janis: didn't you Janis: fair boy Grace: the one who left or the one who you kept blowing up my phone every sec I was with Grace: cos either way no Janis: oh Janis: well, doubt you're missing much on either score Grace: I know exactly what I'm missing with my ex thanks Grace: & I don't hook up with 19 year olds who lie to me Janis: not good Grace: like you said, this town is full of the same kind of people Janis: how is it so crap Janis: with some lads Janis: like Grace: they don't care Grace: I've spent hours memorising every clip they like but there's no getting any of the same back Janis: relatable but still Janis: felt more getting a checkup at the drs Grace: you have to put it in for most of them cos they don't even understand the layout but they'll still ask you if it was good Grace: imagine being that confident Janis: I am Janis: but not gay Janis: soz ladies Grace: 💔 Janis: don't you 💔 weirdo Grace: it's for the one hot white boy you stole by being hetero so Janis: I offered and you ew'd Janis: let the record show Grace: shut up Janis: he's probably so single now Grace: STOP Grace: it's been like a hour or something Janis: I ran away Janis: he's gonna be so Grace: Babe Grace: just make him understand Janis: no pressure Grace: well duh Grace: there's a reason I don't let boys that close to me Janis: you're saying it like I don't know Janis: not my first rodeo Janis: it just happened Grace: you know what you did, that's more than any ex I've ever had Janis: well Janis: done now Grace: Yeah Janis: should I wait or tell him I'm alright now on here Grace: I'd wanna know you were okay but you know him Grace: is it better to just show up? Janis: I think he'd wanna know too but like Janis: ugh fuck it Janis: wish me luck Grace: obvs

[unwelcome-ozian]

Hello, I was wanting your opinion and thoughts on Katie Goves and their system from YouTube. Mostly if you would consider them to be a trustworthy and or reliable source? They talk about being an MK victim, my concern there lies mostly in their age in relation to that. I remove they said they're only 20, didn't the "program" with MK end before they where even born? Not trying to call anyone out or anything like that, just want to check validity and such. Thanks in advance!

I  typically don’t share my opinion on what other survivor’s stories or experiences. I will if I see some issues with what they are sharing and other ‘red flags.’ Full disclosure; I did not watch her full videos, I watched a few minuets of a few of them until I felt confident enough to form an opinion. I read what she wrote and will pull from these.

Sorry the post is so long.

Katy Groves

Published on Jun 5, 2018

In this video, I pour my heart out about the child sexual abuse and snuff images of myself (alone and alongside others) that I had the horrific burden and privilege of seeing during my deprogramming process. I talk about my experience with taking them to law enforcement and my ultimate “decision” to throw the pictures away.

The concerns I have with this portion of what she has said, 'snuff images of myself’. Snuff is a pornographic movie of an actual murder. She could not see herself being 'snuffed’ she would be dead.She said she threw the pictures away. I find this interesting as she disposed of proof that could rip through anyone’s shred of doubt, help other survivors, help those who remain trapped, and so much more. Why then why even go to the police? 

A couple of edits: when I said the pictures implied sexual abuse but were illegal, I misspoke. I meant to say that they were legal instead; and when I said there was a Christmas tree in the photograph and then said I didn’t think it was “Christmas time,” I should clarify what I meant. I meant that I didn’t think it was the time of the Christmas season in which I would have likely been opening presents, not that it wasn’t the Christmas season itself.

How can pictures that imply sexual abuse be legal? The child/children would have to be over the age of 18. If the pictures were snuff and child sexual abuse they wouldn’t be legal. That is where her testimony/report would establish the “legality” of the pictures.

When I reported these crimes in Dec. 2016, I was interviewed by two officers, one male, one female. Partway through the interview, I handed the child snuff to the male officer, who stared at it blankly and then immediately handed it back to me. I asked him if he saw what was in the picture and he said “no.” He appeared very dissociated and triggered, may have had a trauma history of his own, so I left him alone and instead handed the picture to the female officer, who was able to process its graphic content enough to interview me about it in depth.

I’m confused. Katy hands the snuff picture to the male officer first. Survivors of abuse, female survivors of abuse who have a picture of other children being abused as well as them-self (perhaps) would not give them to the male officer first.The officer would not have handed the picture back to her but would have given it to the female officer to look at. Second, the pictures would not have been returned to her.

He then took the photograph into another room and returned it to me, stating that he had made a photocopy. I was told that my case would be transferred to my home state and was escorted out of the premises. Within an hour, I was notified that the male officer had called mental health authorities regarding my case and two things became clear: 1. Were I to pursue this case further, it was more likely that I would end up incarcerated in a psychiatric hospital than my perpetrators would ever do prison time and 2. Were I to keep the incriminating images of my exploitation as a child, there was a chance that I would face criminal charges and incarceration for possessing them. 

A photo copy wouldn’t have been made, they would have kept the original. (a lawyer would have a field day with a photo copy) They would have kept it as evidence if they were going to charge her for being in possession of child pornography. 

Someone doesn’t get 'incarcerated in a psychiatric hospital.“ There have to be very valid reasons for a court to hospitalize someone.  A threat of harm to themselves or a threat of harm to another person. The mental health act of 2001 established the protocol for involuntary psychiatric hospitalizations. They can’t keep someone until the end of time anymore.

As I was homeless and had no one whom I was willing to put at risk by entrusting with the photographs, I made the extremely painful decision to discard them. I decided that rather than pursue what felt like a futile legal battle in a corrupt "justice” system that was more likely to result in my incarceration than my perpetrators’, I would focus on healing myself and helping survivors of ritual abuse and human trafficking in other ways. 

I am blessed to say that within a year of making this decision, I was able to create this channel. This way, I am able to devote my time directly to survivors without having to jump through the legal system’s hoops and suffer the hideous retraumatization that so typically accompanies the pursuit of this kind of case. The legal system in the United States is not built for survivors of ritual abuse, but for those who perpetrate it. 

I agree with her when she says: “the legal system in the United States is not built for survivors of ritual abuse.” The Satanic panic lead to this. But, there are cases where ritual abuse is prosecuted successfully. For survivors of any form of abuse the legal system is a nightmare. 

What doesn’t add up is she is now on you tube with a large number of videos talking about the abuse. Which can be more traumatizing than court. Here are some reasons why: Everyone can see her and who she is, in the future anyone can google her name and find out about her past (5 years from now, ten…more), I’m not sure if she has considered that, it opens her up for even more scrutiny than going to court would have. Putting videos on you tube, running a blog, anything on social media opens you up for criticism and the magnifying glass of the public.

For example she posted this: Hi everyone, in this video, Kayvon opens up about our struggles with a delusional subscriber who is obsessed with us and has been sending us highly triggering emails on a near daily basis for the last two monthsKaty Groves 4 tuần trước (đã chỉnh sửa)I’m deleting all comments that tell me what to do and/or violate other boundaries I have directly set in comments that I think you have seen. At the end of this video, I told y'all explicitly not to tell me what to do, but it seems like some of you didn’t watch it, don’t care or can’t set limits with your own codependence, so I’m going to do it for you.

It has to be apart of what you’re willing to take on if you chose to use such a public platform.  So, saying going to court would be 'hideous and retraumatization’ is interesting to me when I saw the her posts.

Nov, 14, 2017Hi there, we are a 21 year old survivor of Project Monarch, CIA child trafficking and Satanic ritual abuse with Polyfragmented DID. At the time that this video was recorded, we had been deprogramming ourselves with success for over 3.5 years. 

I watched this video and listened to her (Deprogramming pt 6-Deprogramming My Inner Child) First someone can’t de-program themselves. If she were programmed there are safety measures in place to prevent this. She say’s she’s 21 and has been working since she was 17.5 to  deprogram. That is too short of a time frame. From how she is talking in the video, the terminology (inner child) (higher self/ inner loving parent)  she sounds like she is at a facility/program that has used these phrases or was at a facility. Someone pointed out that her videos sound scripted, they do. She may not be reading a script proper but has been coached or practiced in some form. Something is very off.

August 11th ’18Dissociated parts of my system collaborated extensively with one another inside in order to outline how best to present our story to the general public in under ten minutes, but a lot of it was unplanned and we never wrote anything down. If it looks like I am reading from a script, it is because I am accessing a partially formed eidetic script, so to speak, of things my system and I agreed to say.Eidetic memory and other such abnormal abilities are common for survivors of MK and something we have experienced since we were very small.

Here is the issue with this statement. If she were programmed she would not have access to a majority of memories or alters who hold these memories.  Eidetic memory occurs outside the system and in programming only one or two alters will hold this skill. You don’t want a whole system with this form of memory.

May 9, 2018I will say that I focus mostly on my traumas with my narcissistic, sexually abusive mother – who programmed me in MK. I do not talk about the “worst of it” but mention infantile sexual abuse, child trafficking and other forms of abuse and exploitation in some detail.

If you have ever struggled with eating disorders, especially anorexia, please watch this video with extra caution as this could be particularly triggering for you.

Her mother couldn’t have programmed her 'in MK’. MK programming takes a lot of time, knowledge, medical setting, psychotropics, and a team to complete.

She isn’t a survivor of MK programming. She’s too young. Programming can’t be broken when someone is 17.5 years old. So, the question is, what happened to her?

As I was watching the videos Ozzie pointed out, “She’s acting like 11 from Stranger Things." 

 Over all she is too robotic in the video’s I watched, she’s too young to have been a survivor of MK-Ultra, too young to have escaped and ‘deprogrammed’ herself, too young to have survived the type of torture it takes to program someone and have access to those parts in the system and have them willing to share their memories, to be a survivor of pornography and have alters who would agree to have parts of their story shared on camera or be on camera themselves, she shows her face  you can’t 'deprogram’ yourself from MK-ultra, the phrases she uses sound to scripted, a programmed system doesn’t learn to communicate on that level in 3.5 years, (trauma survivors can tell you 3.5 years of living with D.I.D and working hard doesn’t look like this) someone can’t work on healing their trauma day in and day out as Katy says she did, this would lead to more issues and all kinds of problems with programming and system stress. And lastly, Katy stated she was homeless for a while before she started posting her videos about a year ago. 

Those are some of my thoughts from what I’ve read and watched

Oz

[ayemreyzel13]

For this module, I will write my reflection about the Forms and Types of Creative Nonfiction to help other people to understand this topic. Reminder! This definitions is based on my understanding if you need some information you can search it on google.

There are many forms and types of creative nonfiction it includes the Autobiography, Biography, Journal, Diary, Letter, Memoir, Literary Journalism/Reportage, Reflection essay, Testimonio essay, and Travelogue.

Autobiographies are the same as biographies except for one key difference: the story of a person's life is told by that person. It is a person tells the story of his or her own life. Because of this, autobiographies are told in first-person point of view. This means that the narrator is in the story and uses the pronouns I, me and my. However, Biography is a true story of a person's life that is written by someone else. It is written about famous individuals or someone who has made an important impact on society. A Journal is about daily written record of personal experiences it is based on facts and you can for several years. A Diary can have a person's deepest secrets and desires; as such, it is usually not meant to be shared with anyone. A letter is a written message addressed to a person or organization. Letters often contain personal thoughts and opinions, but they are directed at just one person. Letters are never really meant to be published and are usually discarded once the message is received. Emails can be considered a more advanced type of letter. Memoir is a centralized and more specific storytelling it is more focused, telling the story of somebody’s life, focusing on an important event that occurred at a specific time and place. A Literary reportage is the art of blending documentary, reportage-style observations, with personal experience, perception, and anecdotal evidence, in a non-fiction form of literature. A Reflection Essay is a personal experience. Therefore, the tone and voice of the writing are personal as well. Written typically from a first-person point of view, these types of essays take the reader through a journey of growth and discovery. Testimonio essay is a form of creative nonfiction that is generally defined as a first person narration of socially significant experiences in which the narrative voice is a typical or ordinary witnesses. And lastly is A travelogue it is an essay-type piece of writing, it is also a diary of a person's journey to another place. So all rules for essays work here too. There are three elements: introduction, main body, and conclusion.

To summarize what I've learned in this topic is it helps me to acknowledge that difference types of creative nonfiction so now I can use my own reflection essay.

this is the example of my own reflection essay

I thought it was a Best Day, but it turned out to the “Darkest Moment” in my life

Having a problem is a part of a person's life. Some people said that "you are strong and have a faith in the Lord, The Lord will not forsake you." I have a strong faith in him but, my faith suddenly become weak and I questioned him. "Why did he let me experience that?" The Darkest moment in my life started when I was a 14-year-old girl. On May 5, 2017, my Auntie (my mother's younger sister) invited me to go with them because they planned an outdoor activity (swimming) that will set on the next-next-day (May 7, 2017). My family didn't want to go but my mom said that " You can be with them, but don't leave your aunt's side. So, there's nothing bad will happen to you." I was happy and excited because that's the first time she let me leave At as though they aren't going with me. I prepared my things and my mother helped me to do it, and she takes me to my auntie's house on the evening of May 6, 2017, so that she let me sleep at her sister's house.

On May 7, 2017, we arrived at Hidden Sanctuary Resort at exactly 11:00 A.M. My cousins and I immediately go to the bathroom so that we can change our clothes. We are so happy at that moment, we toured the entire resort. 3:10 in the afternoon the wave in the pool has started, We are so happy at that time, I feel relaxed, I also feel like I'm free and I thought it was the best day of my life. But, the "Best Day" turns out to the "Darkest Moment" in my life. At exactly 3:30 P.M an old man suddenly came and he touches and squeezes my private part. I immediately punch her shoulder and I cursed him and I started crying that caught the attention of many people in the pool. They ask me what happened, then I'd told them what happened that time, they immediately call the manager of the resort and the manager called the police. At first, He's denying and he said that I was making a story but I'm not and I was traumatized. Then we arrived at the Malolos, Bulacan Police Station, and the Policewomen asking me a lot of questions. I am cold and I can't stop myself crying, and his family gets mad at me because they think that I was making a story.

On that day, I feel like it was a long tiring day. I was traumatized, I had a trust issue especially in men. I can't sleep at night and I'm afraid to talk to boys even though they are my relatives. It also affecting my mental health that leads me to think about killing myself. Honestly, until now, that moment is still fresh in my mind. While I was writing this activity, my tears are falling, I can't stop myself crying, I feel like it happened yesterday. But now, I'm still in the process of moving on. I also questioned him "why he let that happened". This experience gives me a lesson, I realize that "everything happens for a reason". To all people who experienced sexual harassment/abuse and other problems, please keep fighting and be strong! we can do it because we have a Lord beside us and our family also needs us because our fight is also their fight. Ajja!