#but then the barda/jasmine conversation got away from me

[dragoninmypocket]

promises

note: This is part 2.5 of a (rather disjointed) series of ‘missing’ scenes from the books. While the parts can stand alone, I’ve thrown in some callbacks.  

Other parts:

part 1: stay

part 2: follow

part 3: scar

epilogue: after the storm

This is set around a year after the slaves have been freed. Content warning for mental illness symptoms/panic attacks.

Jasmine hides the ring, but keeps it close. She hangs it around her neck on the chain Sharn had found amongst her mother’s things, and wears it only when Lief needs it. On the darkest nights, he laces his fingers with hers and looks at it, that glint of gold which contains the future he can barely imagine.

It is all she can do, perhaps. For this is a war in Lief’s mind (a battle you can never win), so she can say nothing (I can feel she is there), can do nothing when the panic clutches him (you cannot defeat me) she can only stay beside him as he (the street urchin… the little king) tries desperately to escape his own head.

* * *

At the beginning, he fled to her room only when the voice came. Now, he just stays with her. Every night she lies beside him, holding his hand as he sleeps and comforting him when he wakes. It is every night, now. Every night.

“This will never be over,” Lief says through stiff lips, shivering. He has just woken from another sweat-filled, thrashing nightmare. It is four months since he first heard the Crystal, since Jasmine found him huddled under his office desk, sobbing and rocking with his hands pressed against his ears. The deep winter has thawed to spring.

“It will be,” she soothes. “And we are going to be so, so happy. You will see,”

He holds her hand. She is strength and love- his diamond with emerald eyes.

* * *

It comes to her in the dead of night, as she holds Lief’s clutching, desperate hand. She knows this feeling and, horribly, she knows that laugh.

Our mother…our mother…our mother…

But she has to be strong for the both of them now, so Lief must never know.

* * *

They decide to move. The world is more peaceful at the forge, and Lief does not scream so much.

But they can never escape it, not really. He will always be waiting. She can hear me too, little king. She can. Do you remember what happened last time she could hear me? I nearly took her from you. You could not protect her from me.

Lief feels a chill, but when he looks at Jasmine she is smiling, folding the quilt which lies across his palace bed, the one Sharn made for his eighteenth birthday. Boxes filled with Lief’s clothes sit beside her, and there is hope in her eyes.

She would tell him if something was wrong. Why would she lie to him?

* * *

Here is why:

One morning it is Jasmine who freezes, shaking and wide-eyed, on the steps of the palace. And Lief knows. He knows, and any comfort Jasmine can bring him is gone.

Now, he is consumed with hysterical fear. He will not sleep. He will not eat. He will not let Jasmine out of his sight. His mind is fixed on one thought. Tora.

“I am not going,” Jasmine says, watching him pace the forge’s living room.

“You must!” Lief turns to her, his eyes wild. He is shaking so hard his teeth are chattering. “Jasmine- he is going to hurt you… He told me…. You have to!”

But Jasmine cannot leave him.

* * *

Two days after Lief discovers Jasmine’s secret, Barda arrives at the forge. He takes one look at the boy- at his exhausted face, his stubble, his greasy hair- and he orders Lief to draw a bath.

Lief shakes his head, mumbling. “I cannot leave-” He glances anxiously at Jasmine. She is sitting next to him on the couch, her hand in his.

“You can. I am here now,” Barda reminds him. “I will not let anything happen to her, Lief. I promise,”

Yesterday Doom had visited the forge and made the same promise. He had ordered Lief to bed, swearing that Jasmine would be safe, that he had his sword and his dagger and ten guards outside who would slaughter any intruder in an instant. Lief had not believed him, and he had not slept. 

But Lief believes Barda, and for the first time in two days, he leaves Jasmine’s side.

Barda watches him go, a muscle in his jaw twitching. “He looks terrible, Jasmine.”

“I am trying my best,” the response is tight and small. Barda turns around, startled, and is ashamed to see her usually stern face has crumpled. A shadow as dark as a bruise sits under each dull green eye. He can tell she has been crying.  “I am trying,” she whispers again, her voice cracking. “I…”

Barda’s heart jumps into his throat. “I know, Birdie. I did not mean-” He takes Lief’s place on the couch. “You have done far more than anyone could have expected of you,”

“It is still not enough,” Jasmine says, still in that same tiny voice. “Nothing is is enough. But what else can I do?”

Barda leans forward to grip Jasmine’s wrist. “You can go to Tora,”

Jasmine stares at him in disbelief. Everyone has said the same- Sharn and Marilen writing frantically from the magic city, Doom staring at her from across the forge table, Lief screaming and shaking and begging... But she had always believed that Barda would take her side. That he would understand why.

“We promised each other-” she begins, almost angry.

“I know,” he says. His mind is filled with the memory of Jasmine, under the stars at the edge of the Shifting Sands. Her face, so much younger and more assured than the one before him now. Her hand, reaching out to shake his as she made the oath that he would repeat. No matter what, they would protect Lief, even if it cost them their lives, even if it meant leaving the other to their fate. There would be no anger, no hard feelings, no regret. “If you have to choose between me and Lief, I want you to protect Lief. Even if it means I have to die, promise you will protect Lief.” 

They had not even known he was the king, then, but there was still enough reason. Lief was not a warrior like them. He alone had a family, and friends who would miss him if he was gone. And they loved him, even then, they loved him. If you love someone, you will do anything to protect them. 

But somehow, making that oath under the stars, neither of them had anticipated this. That they would grow to love each other. That Lief could love them too.

Barda squeezes her wrist gently. “Lief will not rest until he knows you are safe. And Tora is the only place where he can be assured of your protection. You want to help him? You go to Tora. It is all you can do,”

Jasmine knows he is right. Of course he is right. She bows her head, defeated. There is a long silence, interrupted only by faint creeks as Lief moves around the cottage.

At last Jasmine whispers, “You promise you will stay in Del? No matter what Lief begs, you will keep him safe?”

He nods. “On my honour. I always have,”

A tear falls onto Barda’s hand, still firm on Jasmine’s wrist. Another falls, and lands on the ring on her finger. “And… and you Barda? You will stay safe?” 

“I will,” he says. “I am safe. I cannot hear the Crystal, remember? Do you think I would still be sleeping at the palace if I could?”  

Her eyes close in relief. “Look after him Barda,” she whispers, an echo of the letter from Sharn that burns in his jacket pocket. Look after our precious boy.

* * *

Hours later, Lief is clean and sleeping peacefully on the couch, bathed in the light of the full moon. In his hands he is still clutching the note from his mother – Jasmine and Doom have arrived. There is the hint of a smile on his face, the topaz is glowing. Barda knows that, tonight at least, he will be okay.

As carefully and quietly as he can, Barda collects his coat and closes the door behind him. From the forge gate he can see the lights at the palace windows. He stands for a moment, watching as one, then two, then three, blink out. He wonders how the people behind the windows can sleep so easily, unaware of the evil which pulsates above their resting heads. 

Sighing, Barda turns away and starts to move down the pot-hilled road towards the edge of the city. There he will find a tavern he knows well. He has been sleeping there for the last two weeks.

You are a fool to think you can protect them from me.

I can, Barda promises silently. And I will.

note: I know in Dragon’s Nest Barda says he does not suffer like Lief… but I’ve always thought that even if he did, he would never have told anyone.