#but then UTY roped me in and well

[starlos-soulmate]

I am a freaking Undertale nerd how am I just realizing this fjdndkensjdnjd

[anesidore]

UPDATE 12/04: thank you so much for the support! i'll be closing donation channels now, as we have reached our goal. i really do appreciate the support!

i will be keeping the original post through a read more below for posterity.

hi everyone! i know i have a relatively small following but i wanted to take a chance to ask for help anyway.

my beloved cat alphinaud (alphy for short, alby if you're being cute) was a naughty boy and decided to go outside a few days ago (he's been an indoor cat all his life) and got into a fight with a stray, which led to a wound with an abscess above his right eye. on top of this, he has been struggling with urinary tract infection for the last year and the crystals in his bladder unfortunately flared up once more, so the vet recommended him to be confined at the clinic for the next few days as he undergoes testing.

so far our expenses has been PHP 23,600 (around USD 400) for all the tests he went through as well as the confinement fee, and i expect it to cost more as he stays in the vet for confinement. luckily i cobbled together enough money to pay for the 11.8k PHP downpayment for today, but i don't have any money left after that expense. i will be adding the receipt from the 50% downpayment under the read more below as proof of these expenses.

i hate to ask for help from strangers again, as i have already done so last year when his uti was first diagnosed. unfortunately i'm quite literally at the end of my rope here. i've recently lost my dad last month, which took quite a toll on me financially (and of course, emotionally) because of funeral expenses and the medical bill that we're still paying off.

my friends can attest that i don't really make a habit of asking for help even when i desperately need it, but i really can't lose another member of our family so soon after we lost my dad who i loved with all my heart. i hope whoever reads this finds it in their heart to understand where i'm coming from here, but thank you for reading up to this point despite how long it has gotten.

if you're willing to help, you can send donations at paypal.me/amunetis or if you are from the philippines like i am, you may send your donation through my gcash at 09175252352.

i will also be prepping a commissions post soon in case anyone is interested, if you need examples you can find it here in this link. i'll be updating this post when i'm done with preparations.

again, thank you so much for reading through this all. if you are unable to help financially, i would greatly appreciate sharing/spreading the word through reblogs or maybe even sharing this post through other sns like twitter or bsky.

^ 50% downpayment receipt that i paid today. i can also provide pictures of his test results and other things if needed as proof.

have another pic of alby as thanks for checking!

[ceapa-mica]

Grand Admiral Thrawn - The NSFW Alphabet 💋

I had the autistic urge™ to put my Thrawn thots into alphabetical order. This Thrawn NSFW alphabet is the result of my three month Thrawn brainrot. Enjoy! ❤️

There is no mention of the reader's gender btw.

🔞 This is 18+ content, minors stay away! 🔞

First of all, congratulations! 🎉 You successfully managed to seduce the Galaxy's smartest, most emotionally constipated, art loving, morally grey character. That's very brave of you!

Now let's get started!

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Thrawn makes sure you're cleaned up and comfortable. If you're big on cuddling, this could be something he has to get used to first. He would also remind you to use the refresher after sex to avoid catching a UTI.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Your human eyes fascinate him, he likes to imagine what a painting done with the color of your irises would look like. As for himself, it's his arms. He loves how you seem to fit perfectly into his warm embrace. He holds you close with them, safe from any harm.

One day after taking a shower with you, he looks at the reflection of your nude bodies in the mirror and realizes that you two look like a piece of art together. He loves the contrast of his blue skin and your [your skin color] skin together.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

This man cums a lot and I imagine it tastes slightly different from human cum. He likes cuming inside you but also likes seeing you covered in ropes of his cum like a work of art. Where he cums depends on where you want him to cum, and if you don't care, it just depends on where he wants it to go. If he had to choose one, he would always cum inside you.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

When he first felt attracted to you, he had searched for erotic art of people that resemble you to figure out if those feelings are in fact attraction.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Thrawn only had very few partners before you, but he's a quick learner. He definitely knows the basics and should he be unfamiliar with something you wanna try, explain it to him.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Any position that offers him a good view of your body. He loves seeing you on top, looking up and admiring you riding him. To him your body is a work of art, this man worships every inch of you!

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc

Thrawn is a serious person. His sense of humor is very dry and he wouldn't use it during sex. He's focused on you, and you only. Making you feel good and leaving you satisfied afterwards is something he takes very seriously.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

You can't tell me this man doesn't have a hair and body care routine. I imagine Chiss don't have much body hair in general. (To keep warm on Csilla they have thicker skin and a high metabolism.) He keeps his looks clean and tidy, and yes, the carpet matches the drapes.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Look, this man wouldn't just go and sleep with anyone. He's a Grand Admiral and has a reputation to maintain. If he sleeps with you, you must mean a lot to him if he decides to take that step with you. To him it's a way to connect with you on a deeper level. He continuously tells you how beautiful you are and what he loves about you.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Before you he used to masturbate rarely and during your relationship he stopped masturbation altogether. He simply prefers sex with you over his own hand. Unless you're separated for a longer period of time, that's when he would masturbate only while calling you via holocomm where you can see each other and satisfy each other's desires from afar.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

He has a competency kink™. Watching you work on something you’re good at, being all professional, it makes Thrawn melt. He will keep up his mask until you're alone with him in his quarters, then he will be all over you, praising you for your good work and fucking you senseless.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Thrawn has a reputation, he's a Grand Admiral, you wouldn't catch him in the act in a supply closet or anywhere else on board of the Chimera that isn't his quarters. He wants his private life to remain private. Inside his quarters he has a large bed and a comfortable luxurious sofa, and he likes to take you on either.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Like I said before, he's into competency, and there's nothing more attractive to him than you passionately talking about work or hobbies, anything that you love doing. The passionate spark that appears in your eyes makes him want to support you unconditionally and at the same time makes him want to take you to his bedroom to show you what you mean to him. Oh and you explaining a piece of art to him he doesn't know much about yet? Instant turn on!

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Thrawn draws the line at degrading or hurting you. He doesn't understand how anyone could actually enjoy that. To him, you are the most beautiful person in the Galaxy, and he makes sure to remind you of that whenever he can. He always asks for your consent too, just to reassure himself you actually want this.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Thrawn clearly prefers giving oral. To him your taste is something he didn't know he needed, and now he could spend hours down between your legs, lapping up your juices and stimulating you, making you cum over and over on his tongue. He doesn't mind receiving oral, but definitely prefers cuming inside your pussy or on your body instead of inside your mouth.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Thrawn is very thorough when it comes to sex. He wants you to feel all of him, so he prefers being slow and sensual. Unless you crave a fast and rough fucking or when he's had a bad day at work (some pent up frustration over Krennic’s antics idk) then and only then will he go for fast and rough sex.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

He doesn't like them and he doesn't do them. He wants to take his time to love you properly, and that can't be done in a ten minute quickie.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Sure, he's up to anything you're willing to try, unless it's something that could hurt you or involves other people. Thrawn would never share you with anyone, that's unheard of where he comes from.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

His enormous self control allows him to go for hours. An average human body would be exhausted after two rounds with him. So the question should be how many rounds can YOU go for?

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Thrawn is open to new ways of pleasuring you. Initially he doesn't know much about sex toys, but after you explain what you want to try with him, and after some research on it, he's willing to try out toys with you. He prefers using them on you instead of himself.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He's a patient man, and he knows about the perks of delayed gratification. When he's in the mood to tease, he will edge you. He loves watching you squirm underneath him.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Thrawn is not very loud. Labored breathing, moaning into the crook of your neck and occasional grunts when he picks up the pace are the only sounds you can expect of him.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

With your consent, he would either paint a picture of you in the nude, or pay an artist to do it, so when you're separated, he can have a piece of you with him, that's only meant for his eyes.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Thrawn has a healthy muscular body with several scars from past battles. I imagine his cock looks pretty much human, safe for the color of his skin of course. It's just slightly bigger and it has alien ridges that feel incredible when inside of you.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Not very high until you came into his life. He didn't know he could feel this way about anyone. With you his sex drive is average, he makes time for sex when his busy schedule allows him to. You better have nothing planned for that period of time.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Chiss don't require as much sleep as humans. While you doze off next to him, he works on his datapad some more before falling asleep, or he simply watches you sleep peacefully next to him while being the big spoon. You should get used to red glowing eyes in the dark when you stay overnight or move into his quarters.

If this has inspired any additional thots, pls let me know in the comments. ❤️

[haikyuu-boys-headcanons]

𝙷𝙰𝙸𝙺𝚈𝚄𝚄 𝙱𝙾𝚈𝚂 - 𝙴𝙼𝙱𝙰𝚁𝙰𝚂𝚂𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝚂𝙴𝚇 𝙼𝙾𝙼𝙴𝙽𝚃𝚂

hehe, i’m back at it again with one of these long ass posts but this idea’s literally been in my head all day long so here you go !! obvious nsfw warning :)

tw: this whole post is just nsfw and embarrassing to read so read at your own risk >:)

𝙳𝙰𝙸𝙲𝙷𝙸 » during a super intense and loud session, his voice cracked as he asked you “does that feel goOD- good baby?” to this day, he still prays that you couldn’t hear him over the sound of your own moans

𝚂𝚄𝙶𝙰𝚆𝙰𝚁𝙰 » you were riding him and he went to slap your ass, but something went wrong either because you were riding too quickly or he was shaking too much, boy ended up slapping himself in the balls. you’ve never heard that boy scream that loud in your life

𝙰𝚂𝙰𝙷𝙸 » literally pulled out in the middle of sex to get up and rush to the corner of his room to flip around his childhood teddy bears. your just laying there with your tiddies and coochie out waiting for asahi to shield the eyes of mr. wiggles

𝚃𝙰𝙽𝙰𝙺𝙰 » you two were having pretty intense shower sex until tanaka did the number one thing your not supposed to do during shower sex; this muthafucker slipped while holding you. long story short, y’all were okay but just ended up having nasty shower floor sex??

𝙽𝙸𝚂𝙷𝙸𝙽𝙾𝚈𝙰 » this tiny ass 5′2 man was unconsciously humping your leg while you were both asleep?? his presumably pleasurable wet dream had turned into a sudden nightmare when you literally had to KICK him off you to stop the humping. bad nishinoya, bad!

𝙺𝙰𝙶𝙴𝚈𝙰𝙼𝙰 » came WAYYY too early inside you, but he was too embarrassed to say anything so he just... kept going. sadly, no one had warned kageyama of the intense effects of overstimulation. he was shaking and whimpering so badly behind you to the point where you had to ask him to pull out and bring him a glass of water to calm down

𝙷𝙸𝙽𝙰𝚃𝙰 » the first time you squirted on him, he just blatantly asked you these exact few words that left you feeling mortified: “did you just piss on me?” nuh uh hinata, this water fountain ain’t yours to drown in anymore >:( 

𝚃𝚂𝚄𝙺𝙸𝚂𝙷𝙸𝙼𝙰 » kei was hitting it from the back pretty hard this time, so hard that you were suddenly... on an angle? suddenly, now you two were much closer to the floor than before. the bed ended up collapsing, yes literally collapsing due to kei’s powerful thrusts. worst part is, nobody got to finish since kei dragged you to ikea to grumpily buy a new bedframe. but hey, he bought you ikea meatballs; that shit hits so different

𝚈𝙰𝙼𝙰𝙶𝚄𝙲𝙷𝙸 » one super duper intense night, he passed out the SECOND he came. no matter how much you flicked the temple of his forehead, yamaguchi was dead asleep. you had to literally slap him awake to get him to clean up, you ain’t risking a ranky stanky UTI puthy in the morning

𝙾𝙸𝙺𝙰𝚆𝙰 » kept calling himself a sex machine during the act. i don’t know if it was due to the 6 tequila shots he had beforehand or just his inner ego revealing, whatever it was it was about to make your pussy close

𝙸𝚆𝙰𝚉𝚄𝙼𝙸 » this one time, he kept going in at a weird angle which caused you to repeatedly queef for 7 minutes straight. every time you told him to pull out and go in properly, he laughed and kept going in at that one weird angle!! was your embarrassment a turn on for him?? maybe!! but were you mortified? absolutely!!

𝙼𝙰𝚃𝚃𝚂𝚄𝙽 » i’m sorry to have to be the one to announce this, but this man had the worst case of full blown bush you’ve ever seen. like, he didn’t even try to manscape or anything at all. you ended up begging him to trim just a tiny bit because you weren’t gonna risk choking on a pube whilst your going down on him

𝙷𝙰𝙽𝙰𝙼𝙰𝙺𝙸 » rubbed your left labia thinking it was your clit. and he kept doing that. the whole. fucking. time. even when you subtly moved his fingers towards your clit, he just kept going back to the left lip.

𝙺𝚄𝙽𝙸𝙼𝙸 » had the most dry and dull dirty talk you’ve ever heard. like, it’s not even dirty talk at this point; it’s just clean talk. there’s no passion when he talks! he uses the same tone he would use for anyone else at any other moment. to paint the picture, imagine riding kunimi and he’s just there with a furrowed expression like “yup, that feels really good”

𝙺𝚈𝙾𝚃𝙰𝙽𝙸 » tried to pull one of those unexpected anal scenes that he saw from a porno, without telling you beforehand. life lesson here; if you party at shit's house, don't be surprised if shit's at the party

𝙺𝚄𝚁𝙾𝙾 » you two were looking to get a little more kinky in terms of BDSM, so kuroo watched like 30 tutorials on youtube on how to safely tie you up so you won’t fall or anything. this bitch ended up tying rope knots that were practically impossible to undo, which resulted in you hanging from the ceiling for approximately 2 hours pussy-ass naked while kuroo tried to cut you down with a kitchen knife

𝙺𝙴𝙽𝙼𝙰 » wanted to spice things up with some dirty talk, like the real nasty talk they use in pornos but not the normal pornos; the shitty company ones with horrific acting. he really ended up announcing that he was going to “fuck your fucking fanny off, you twat”

𝙻𝙴𝚅 » got super excited while he was opening the lube since he hadn’t gotten to fuck you in a WHILE, which resulted the lube leaked everywhere and a giant 6′5 man slipping and hitting his head on the bed frame. worst part is; he had to go to the ER with a hard on that refused to go away

𝙱𝙾𝙺𝚄𝚃𝙾 » speaking of boners that wouldn’t go away, let’s not forget that one time bokuto took two viagras when you texted him to come over for a special occasion. he horribly misinterpreted the ‘special occasion’ text, because he showed up to your house with a huge buldge in his pants as your parents stand before him holding anniversary cards, completely horrified

𝙰𝙺𝙰𝙰𝚂𝙷𝙸 » wanted to make valentines day sex as romantic as he could, so he did the classic lighting candles and giving roses. everything was beautiful, until he accidently knocked one of the bigger candles over during missionary. this not only caused a huge ass fire in your bedroom, but he came right as the fire began to spread. boy was debating on whether his orgasm was to die for or not

𝙺𝙾𝙽𝙾𝙷𝙰 » had a nose bleed when he was going down on you and you both were immediately horrified, you thinking it was your period and him thinking he just ate coochie blood. yet as you went to go clean up, you realized his face had much more blood on it than your coochie did. to this day, he still blames it on your period 

𝚄𝚂𝙷𝙸𝙹𝙸𝙼𝙰 » threw you onto the bed and your head went through the wall. he didn’t even bother to ask you if you were okay, he just sighed and went “well, now i have to make a call to the construction guy. excuse me” and he left you and your concussed ass head sit there once again, pussy ass naked

𝚃𝙴𝙽𝙳𝙾𝚄 » during a blowjob, he held your head down right as he was coming causing the cum to shoot up your throat and somehow pour out of your nose. by the time he pulled out, he could barely breath from laughing at you. sure, the classic ‘milk shooting out of nose’ thing was funny at first until you got a sinus infection and had to breath out of your mouth for the next three days

𝚂𝙴𝙼𝙸 » always insists having sex in the most inconvenient places?? like he would pull you to side while grocery shopping and start grinding up against you as you pick which brand of cheese would be better??

𝙶𝙾𝚂𝙷𝙸𝙺𝙸 » he kept getting frustrated that his bangs were clouding his field of vision, so he irritably grabbed a hair tie and frantically tied up the sides of his bangs while he was fucking you. you immediately burst out laughing since he looked exactly like boo from monsters inc. 

𝚃𝙴𝚁𝚄𝚂𝙷𝙸𝙼𝙰 » got so drunk that he ended up fucking the couch. like he was just there on top of you, and his dick was just sliding between the folds of the leather couch. you decided to let him finish like that

𝚂𝙰𝙺𝚄𝚂𝙰 » had a really bad reaction to one of the products he used while shaving and ended up getting super irritated down there so he kept having to pull out in-between thrusts to itch his crotch. to make things worse, you joking suggested that he looked like he had syphilis and he got so disgusted at the idea of that thought that he literally had to pull out and take a breather 

𝙾𝚂𝙰𝙼𝚄 » drizzled ‘warm’ chocolate down your chest and was about to seductively lick it off until you screamed in pain and horror as the chocolate was literally burning your skin off. osamu panicked, obviously not knowing what to do if chocolate was burning his partners skin off so he just... frantically licked it off. you still had to go to the ER afterwards to get treated for mild burns

𝙰𝚂𝚃𝚄𝙼𝚄 » didn’t know what a hymen was until the first time he tried to have sex with you. no matter how much he tried to shove his schlong in, it really just wasn’t working + “yer puss is broken”

𝚂𝚄𝙽𝙰 » pinched your nipples so fucking hard to the point where you started crying. he thoughts these were tears of pleasure until you literally had to kick him off you. but hey, he gave you ice for your sore nipples and mcdonalds! what more could a girl possibly want :)

uh the end lol

also, this idea was inspired by the first haikyuu headcanon i ever read, “awkward sex moments” by @bbytetsu <3

[mxchellesworld]

punk rock princess

spencer reid x reader

synopsis; where spencer’s working on the final paper for his third phd meanwhile you take on the task of making sure he takes a break.

warnings; smut, p in v, unprotected sex, creampie, sub!spence if you squint, nipple piercings;),

a/n; i’m not saying this is my fantasy but .. this is my fantasy,, inspired by this song, y’all know the drill. you don't have to listen while reading but i always love to set the vibe. lastly y/n doesn't have any mentioned features or looks besides piercings/tattoos,, the rest is all up to you:)

pls send in feedback!

***

A shiver crawled down your spine from the first squirt of dye hitting your scalp. The bubblegum pink shade being a change from the firey red which inhabited your head a mere 24 hours prior.

The process was muscle memory at this point. Brushing out your hair then parting and sectioning it off. However that was the only methodical part. The fun was in slapping on the dye, not a single worry about staining your hands or neck.

The sounds of heavy drums and bass guitar bounced off the walls in the bathroom of the small apartment. Even though the door was shut it wasn't enough to stop the sound from flowing into the living room where your boyfriend was working.

Spencer sat at the dining table, flipping through copious amounts of folders and books. His third thesis in the process of being written. The computer screen in front of him looking back with a mocking glow. Since apparently things had to be digital now.

Your feet padding on the wooden floor made him look up from the pages. Humming to the music as you walked into your bedroom. Then back out a few seconds later holding a towel and robe.

A small smile tugged across his face. Ever since you had moved in together he loved to watch your day to day actions. The way you played your music concerningly loud, your skincare routine which included cleaning your facial piercings. What fascinated him the most was that in the 13 months you’d been together he’d seen you dye your hair 7 times.

Not including any touch ups.

He stood from his place at the table, making his way to the bathroom. Two quick rasps on the door to check if you were decent. The action made you giggle.

“Come in!” you called, “I don’t know why you knock weirdo you’ve seen me naked plenty of times.”

A blush spread across his cheeks from both your words and your state of undress. His eyes tried to focus on the splotches of color on the counter, keeping the blood flowing to the head on his shoulders.

But it was hard when the sheer bralette you had on did very little to hide the metal bars in each of your breasts.

“Spence?” you said snapping a fingers in front of him.

He cleared his throat, eyes snapping to your face which held a smirk.

“Are uh those n-new?” he questioned, hand going to scratch the nape of his neck.

The usual silver balls at the end of the bars were now tiny jewell hearts. The color was a little hard to tell due to the material of your bra but from the change in your hair he could almost bet money they were also pink.

With swift hands you unclipped your bra and threw it on the closed toilet seat before turning to face him.

“Got them when I bought the dye yesterday,” you said pushing your boobs up with your hands, “You like?”

Spencer’s eyes were as big as saucers, frantically nodding, “Y-yeah they look nice.”

You dropped your hands to your hips, tugging off the shorts you had on. The wide brown eyes before you couldn’t get any bigger, trailing down your frame stopping to admire the bar in your belly button along with the ink which littered your ribs.

He watched as you got to your knees, turning on the bath faucet. You dipped your head under the water, a stream of pink filling the tub.

The slope of your spine bent over was a sight he'd seen more than enough times. He could pinpoint the beauty marks on your left shoulder, the small sun he sketched which ended up permanently on the back of your neck. But if he let his gaze drift a little further south he could see how deliciously the dark lace looked barley covering up your most intimate parts.

A smack to his calf got his attention.

“Earth to Spencer! Can you hand me the shampoo,” you asked which came out sounding a bit muffled.

He quickly scurried to the tub and reached over to grab the bottle, squeezing a bit of gel onto your open palm.

"I'm gonna go work on my thesis some more," Spencer said slowly shutting the door behind him.

Making his way back to the living room, he pulled a few files and sat down on the couch. Glasses sat on the bridge of his nose and red pen between his teeth and he stared in concentration.

They were the same words he had read over and over again. The lack of sleep causing a dull ache in his skull.

"You need to take a break love," you said walking over and sitting next to Spencer on the couch.

"I did take one," he argued back flipping through the file.

"Gawking at me before I shower for 2 minutes isn't a break," you said with a giggle, the warmth flooding back to his cheeks, "Cmon 25 minutes at least without a file in your hand. "

When he didn't respond you took matters into your own hands. Ripping the file from his grasp, earning a grumble of disapproval before you straddled his hips. Your arms circled his neck and your hands went straight to the back of his scalp, fingertips running in soothing motions.

"Isn't this so much better baby," you asked whispering in his ear.

He nodded quickly, staying silent as he let his actions speak louder. His large palms went right to your plush hips. Bucking up as he led you to grind yourself on his lap.

Letting his hands explore the material of your satin rope he could feel the lack of undergarments on your frame. Spencer dared to let his hands dip under the black fabric and take each one of your cheeks in the palm of your hand with a gentle squeeze.

You could feel his cock stiffening under you. If you looked down you'd probably be able to see a wet spot on his sweats, most likely a mix of your arousals.

Leaning forward you let your lips attack his neck, placing sloppy kisses sure to leave marks. The process of licking and biting making Spencer hold onto you tighter, almost as if he had his very own vampire to mark him up.

Trailing up to his ear you bit on the lobe before whispering, "Tell me what you need baby."

Lust filled brown orbs met your own as you each continued your steady grind.

"Please fuck me," he pleaded.

If only he knew how wrapped around his finger you were. As pretty as he sounded begging you'd give him anything.

You pulled the metal frames off his face, tossing them to the other side of the couch. He had complained one too many times about foggy glasses during sex. No matter how cute you thought he looked.

Your hands slid down his torso and reached to pull down his sweats. His precum soaked length was heavy in your hands. Pretty pink tip leaky and throbbing already. The first few pumps had whiny moans slipping from his lips, red from biting so hard.

"Unwrap me baby, it's all for you," you said tilting your head down, motioning to the strings holding your robe together.

Quickly he let his slender fingers go to the ends, a swift tug and it was like opening a gift on Christmas. Leaning forward he let his lips wrap around one of your nipples. A strangled moan leaving your mouth from the stimulation.

With a raise of your hips you lined his cock with your opening before sliding down. You both sighed at the same time, the feeling of him stretching you out and your warm walls hugging his length was just too good.

Slowly you rocked your hips testing the waters, soft gasps and curses left your lips. You could feel very vein and inch stuffed inside you.

Spencer on the other hand was having an out of body experience, there wasn't an inch of your skin which was left untouched. Unkissed. After you were settled he raised his hips meeting you halfway with each thrust.

"You're doing so well baby," you cooed down at him, "You love when I ride you hm? Best fucking seat in the house."

His eyes shut closed in pleasure as your pace quickened, "Love it so much. So so pretty," he mumbled out.

His arms pulled you close again. Chest to chest as you continued your movements. Your lips met in a lazy kiss, panting in each others mouths when you ran out of air.

You could feel him pulsating inside you. The iron grip he had on your hips as he helped drive you up and down on his cock was sure to feel sore the next day. His shoulders were sure to have corresponding crescent marks from your nails digging in.

"Touch me Spence m'so close love," you said breathlessly.

One of his hands fell down to the space where you both connected. Skilled fingers rubbing your sensitive bundle of nerves in quick circular motions.

Loud moans escaped your lips. Your head fell back to the familiar junction of his neck and shoulder, biting the skin in order to stifle your noises of pleasure.

"Y/n I can't hold it any longer, please cum with me," he whimpered out.

Nodding your head you grabbed onto the back of his neck, "Right behind you baby. Let go for me, I got you."

With a few more upward thrusts you felt him pull you down onto his cock, warmth spreading in your tummy. The feeling of his seed filling you up and his euphoric groans sent you over the edge.

You both rode out your orgasms, swiveling hips and satisfactory sighs of release leaving your lips.

After a few minutes of content silence listening to the music still flowing through the hall you moved to get up, the sticky mess between your thighs less than comfortable.

Warm arms kept you in place, denying your movement.

"Spence I gotta clean up," you said trying to push yourself off his chest.

"If I remember correctly you said at least 25 minutes and from my calculations I have 3 minutes and 38 seconds left of cuddle time," the lanky man under you said matter of factly.

You rolled your eyes, sighing but resting your head back on his shoulder, "If I get a UTI thats 3 minutes and 38 seconds of me playing screamo in your ear at full volume."

With one last squeeze he kissed the side of your head, the scent of ammonia only sightly bothering him, "Worth it."

[eternally-writing]

memory lane | jjk

genre: fluff

rating: PG-13

pairing: Jungkook x reader

theme: boyfriend!au, one-shot

word count: 1.4k

warnings: implied sex before the story takes place

Synopsis: When you and Jungkook can’t fall asleep at night, you and him stay up chatting about past memories.

This was from a request by @carpediem1219​ (you can read the request here) !

If you have a fic request you can ask it here!

banner by me!

–♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡–

“Babyyyy, come back to bed,” groaned Jungkook, watching you move around in his bathroom.

You loved Jungkook, but you were not ready to risk getting a UTI for him so you left him in bed while you went to clean yourself up. Throwing on one of Jungkook’s shirts (which was basically a dress on you since you were so much shorter than him), you sauntered away from his sink.

“I don’t even know how you’re still awake babe, I definitely thought I tired you out tonight,” you joked as you plopped down next to your boyfriend, stealing some of the covers that were covering his lower half.

Turning over to face you, he gazed adoringly at your smiley self beaming back at him.

“Why would I need to fall asleep when I’ve got the girl of my dreams in front of me?” crooned Jungkook as he put his hands on your waist to pull you closer to him

You groaned at his cheesiness and lightly slapped his chest (you secretly loved it, but there was no way that you were going to admit that anytime soon).

You and Jungkook both led such busy lives, so you truly appreciated the quiet moments like this (which were few and far between). It felt like there was nobody else in the world but the two of you as you looked into each other’s eyes, simply enjoying the other’s presence. You felt like you were a character in a Hallmark movie; it seemed like such a fantasy to be laying in bed across from the man of your dreams, as if none of this could be real.

Instinctively, you brushed your thumb lightly over the scar on Jungkook’s cheek, rubbing circles into the small mark.

“You never told me how you ended up with this scar, Koo,” you said softly as you focused on the scar.

Jungkook chuckled, sticking out his pinky in front of you before beginning to speak.

“I’ll tell you but you have to promise not to laugh too much ok?” he said with his doe eyes staring at you.

You twisted your pinky in his, kissing the top of his finger as a promise.

“I was 10 and my brother and I only had one computer to share. He wouldn’t let me play on the computer before him so we fought until he scratched me on the cheek,” he said bashfully, scratching the back of his neck,

You did promise Jungkook you wouldn’t laugh too much, but you were having a really hard time holding it in.

“Seriously babe? All that just to use a computer? Good to know you were just as computer obsessed then as you are now,” you jeered at him (you were only slightly jealous of how much time he spent playing Overwatch with his hyungs)

You ran a finger over the small diagonal of the scar again, subconsciously smiling after knowing the story behind it.

“It must have hurt so bad - it looks deep” you said now with a frown.

“Well when my mom saw me crying with a bloody cheek she did let me use the computer that day, and she gave me ice cream too - I’d call that an absolute win in my books,” exclaimed Jungkook with a prideful smile.

Placing a chaste kiss right over the scar, you glow to him.

“That’s my boy. I love it - it’s what makes you you, yknow”.

Jungkook grinned and pulled you closer into his chest, rolling over so he was on his back, your head directly over his beating heart.

“Okay, an eye for an eye babe. What’s this scar about?” he inquired as he pointed to the small slice on your kneecap, pulling your leg closer to him at the same time.

“When I was in grade 1 the most popular thing to do during lunch time was skipping rope on the playground, and I couldn’t master the hand eye coordination to do it so I kept tripping.”

It was now Jungkook’s turn to giggle a little.

“Awe, my babygirl couldn’t skip rope?” he said with his voice teetering on a fine line between being sweet and making fun of you.

“So one time I tripped and scraped my knee on the pavement trying to jump rope and that’s when I got this scar. I remember crying on the asphalt for what felt like hours before my best friend at the time, Jangmi, found me. My mom didn’t get me to stop crying that day until she gave me 4 popsicles,” you said with a smile, looking back fondly on the early memory.

The gears kept turning in Jungkook’s head.

“wait… you can jump rope now though Y/N… right?”

You were definitely glad that you had your head on Jungkook’s chest at that moment since you could bury your head even further in his chest so he wouldn’t be able to see your embarrassed expression.

“no” you whispered out meekly, unwilling to say it any louder.

Jungkook gasped and pulled your head away from his chest, holding it now in his hands.

“Babe! that’s like a life skill!!” exclaimed Jungkook with a concerned tone, shouting way louder than anyone should after midnight.

With the way Jungkook was acting, someone would’ve thought that you were telling him that you couldn’t drive or ride a bike (you actually couldn’t do one of those… but Jungkook didn’t need to know that yet).

In the midst of his rant about the importance of knowing how to jump rope , Jungkook proposed a plan. “Tomorrow you and I are heading to the gym and you are learning how to jump rope!”

You mewled at his plan. “Babe, people have tried - I just can’t do it. You’ll have to live with having a  girlfriend who just can’t jump rope.”

Jungkook puffed out his chest and put his best cocky voice on. “It’s your lucky day Y/N. You’ve got Busan Middle School’s jump rope champion as your boyfriend to teach you.”

“Actually, Jungkook, I think it’s your lucky day. Even though I might not be able to jump rope, I do have some other special talents,” you said as you smiled smugly.  

Hauling your legs over his body, Jungkook brought your body so you were straddling him.

“Hmm, I think I might need a refresher babe. Care to show me?”

-♡-

With the moon as your only witness, you and Jungkook continued to share your favorite memories associated with all the little quirks on your bodies throughout the night.

You got to tell him all about the scar you got on your hamstring from your brief stint in competitive gymnastics, the scar on your ear from the first time you tried to curl your hair, and the scar on your back that you somehow obtained while baking a cake for your grandpa’s 85th birthday.

Despite it being the middle of the night, Jungkook still laughed and cried along with you as he heard your stories, loving the opportunity to get to know you better. Kissing each scar after each story, Jungkook smiled at how beautiful you appeared in the moonlight.

At the same time, you got to learn even more about Jungkook. Alongside the computer story, you learned that Jungkook had scars on his back from the time he swears he saw a shark while swimming in Busan (the rest of his family is 100% he just brushed up against a rock, but you know how stubborn Jungkook can be) and that he has scar on his left Achilles heel from the time he tried on his mom’s heels.

As the sun started to make an appearance in the sky again, your eyelids started to feel heavy. As you were about to drift off into dreamland, you heard Jungkook’s voice.

“you’re so beautiful - you know that right?”

Even in your sleepy haze, you still blushed at Jungkook’s sweet words.

“All these scars, all these things you try to cover up with makeup or hide, they all make you even more beautiful. I promise to never let you forget how beautiful you are to me Y/N,” confessed Jungkook as he ran his fingers softly through your hair.

The last thing you felt that night before you fell asleep was Jungkook placing a sweet kiss on your forehead.

You could only hope that Jungkook was as good at teaching people how to jump rope as he was at being an amazing boyfriend.

–♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡–

If you enjoyed what you read, please interact/follow! Thank you for reading♡

- Emily

[writing-in-april]

Surprise Pretty Boy

Spencer x Female Reader

Summary- You haven’t had sex in a while, because of your job and your infatuation with Spencer Reid. You proposition him for sex and have a big surprise waiting for him.

Warnings- Smut, soft sub Spencer/ dom reader, nipple piercings (female), oral (male receiving), penetrative sex, unprotected sex.

A/n- this is my first smut, I’m a little nervous to post tbh. This is edited but only a bit and also my requests are open! Some of the formatting is weird too I’m on mobile sorry!

Masterlist

---------------------------------

I needed to fuck the shit out of someone, it’s been too long at this point. I couldn’t even remember the last fuck I had, I think it was 8 months ago at a bar. It didn’t help that I rarely got out of the house because of my job, the BAU never slept so neither did I.

We had just gotten home from a stressful case that almost ended in disaster. All I wanted to do at this point was unwind by having a mind blowing orgasm but there were no men or women in sight. Unless I went for Spencer who I had a massive crush on, he was honestly the reason I stopped getting laid. I just couldn’t get railed by a one night stand without thinking of him, it got too weird and I just wanted the real thing.

I was so desperate tonight that I might shoot my shot, we just happened to be the last ones in the office doing paperwork. My horny mind had been preventing me from being fully productive all day, but I had finally finished my massive stack of reports. Spencer often took on the slack of everyone else when it came to paperwork, something that I’ll never understand, but he did look cute when his eyebrows furrowed in concentration trying to write as fast as he could. God I just wanted to break him. Maybe I would deny him orgasms all night or ride him into the sunset and watch his whimpering face as he begs me to stop after making him cum multiple times.

Spencer has noticed that I was unashamedly staring and he shot me an inquisitive look.

“You ok?” His voice snapped me out of my x-rated daydream.

“Yeah just thinking.”

“About?” He scrunched his nose in typical Spencer fashion. Fuck it, I’ll be honest with him, he was too cute for me to not at least attempt to make a move.

“How much I want to fuck you” I stated bluntly, a look of shock spread across his face.

“Y-you want to w-what?” His voice started to raise a few octaves, getting to that squeaky pitch that made me want him even more.

I slowly sauntered over to his desk chair and swung my legs around him so I was straddling him. His big brown eyes had become as wide as saucers and he started stuttering, his hands betrayed his nervous persona as they immediately sat above my ass.

“I. Want. To. Fuck. You. Spencer” I said with conviction, he gulped hard and sighed deeply mulling over the thoughts racing through his head.

“I-I want y-you to fuc-ck me, can we go back to your place?”

I nodded a yes to him “Only one rule tonight Spencer, I’m in charge. Is that ok with you?” He bobbed his head back in a yes, then we both got our things and raced to the elevator.

I pulled Spencer into my car with a promise of giving him a ride to work tomorrow, and probably broke 50 traffic laws on the ride home.

We both bolted out of the car and stumbled through my doorway in a heated make out session once I finally got the door to open. I pushed him against my closed front door and slipped my tongue into Spencer’s mouth fully dominating the kiss. My arms fully enveloped his larger frame and I started to tug him over to my couch so I could fully enjoy him.My legs swung over his lap straddling him for the second time that night. We continued to make out on the couch like horny teenagers for what felt like bourse until Spencer started to paw at my blouse. I leaned in to start kissing and biting on his collarbone that was peaking out from under his button up. My lips slowly worked their way up the column of his throat and I bit on the shell of his ear, which let me hear a gorgeous moan.

“I have a surprise for you pretty boy” I breathily whispered into his ear as I dragged my palm across his jaw. He let out a gorgeous whine and rutted his hips up into me. He was in for a shock, I had gotten my nipples pierced when I was younger to make them more sensitive. I hope Spencer would appreciate as much as I did.

I slowly peeled my shirt off my figure, I had no bra on and my pierced nipples hardened as the cool air hit them. Spencer’s eyes widened and he let out a little beautiful squeak at the sight.

“You like what you see?” I smirked and batted my eyelashes. All he could do was nod eagerly in response, he greedily leaned forward and almost immediately wrapped his mouth around my nipple. I moaned at the sudden contact and I started to grind on his hard crotch again. His mouth continued to suckle on my bud combined with the hard metal as his other hand came to pinch my other nipple.

Was it possible to orgasm from nipple stimulation? Normally I’d say no, but the way Spencer’s mouth sucked on my bud was getting me off better then most guys with their hand down my pants. Plus the way his bulge was hitting right at my clothed clit was almost enough to push me over the edge. Spencer must have sensed how close I was and snuck one of his hands in my pants. He deftly worked his finger on my clit which pushed me over the cliff.

“Oh my god Spencer” I moaned out as I rode out my first high of the night. His eyes raked over my form in awe, I had no doubt that he was enjoying this just as much as I was.

After I had come down I slowly slid down onto my hard wood floors not really caring for the pain from being on my knees.

“Thank you Spencer, you were such a good boy” Even though I was the one down on my knees I was still in full control.

Spencer’s pupils were blown wide in lust as I undid his belt buckle and pulled his boxers and slacks down all at once.

I bit my lip as I got a good look at what Spencer was packing not to thick but god was it long. I moaned in anticipation of how good the stretch would feel but for now I just wanted my mouth to work its magic.

He was already painfully hard but I wanted to tease him a bit more so I slowly started to move my hand up and down his shaft. I was purposely barely gripping him, I wanted to see how desperate I could make him. His eyes had shut at this point, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he let out a breathy moan.

“Please do something” he gasped out, so I slowly leaned forward and took his head in my mouth but I still barely gave him the relief he was looking for. He hadn’t begged enough yet.

He tried to apply pressure on my head, I grabbed his hands and pinned them to the couch.

“Holy shit y/n please!” His raspy voice was raised to an octave I didn’t think was possible. So I finally relented taking him back as far as possible into my throat and precum filled my mouth as an indicator of his desire. The sounds that Spencer was making were music to my ears, he moaned loud each time I took him to the back of my throat. I could tell that he was about to cum so I suddenly pulled my mouth off of him with a soft pop.

He whined at the loss of contact, he almost looked like a baby that had gotten his candy taken away.

“Don’t worry baby boy I want you to cum inside me instead. Is that alright with you?” He seemed to enjoy the nickname and bit his lip nodding his head once more.

“Y/n please fuck me.” I loved hearing him beg like the good boy he was. I crawled up into his lap again and slowly sunk down onto his length letting myself feel every ridge of his cock. Spencer moaned the loudest he had all night, which I didn’t even think was possible. His breath was shaky and I could tell it was taking all of his will not to thrust up into me, he was being a good boy by waiting patiently.

Once I adjusted to his length I started to bounce on him making him even more breathless then before. Then Spencer pulled me closer to him and started to play with my nipples again, I could tell he fully appreciated my piercings.

“Your such a good boy Spencer always taking care of me.” I gasped out, my hands wound through his hair and pulled his head back hard. His blissed our state was an amazing sight to see, his mouth was open in a gasp, his eyes were barely open and in a glassy state.

“I’m so close y/n” he whimpers our pitifully

“I’m close to baby boy help me get there with you” My words barely escaped coherently but he understood bringing one of his hands off of my ass to my clit. His large dexterous fingers rubbed tight circles on my clit and suddenly my vision turned white.

After I rode out my high my focus was back on Spencer.My lips sucked beautiful hickies onto his neck that would be a pain to cover up, I honestly didn’t care at this point.

“C’mon baby boy cum for me” I gently coaxed him to his release in a few last hard bounces. His strangled moans accompanied with the ropes he shot into me helped me into another small orgasm that I barely registered was on the brink.

“Holy shit” I gasped out after I had somewhat caught my breath. I started to get up to go to the bathroom, so I’d prevent a UTI when Spencer’s arms wrapped around my frame.

“Stay” he breathlessly whispered.

“I’ll come back and cuddle but I really don’t want a UTI Spencer. You’d be the first one to remind me of that.” He relented and let go, my feet padded through my apartment everything else quiet as I made my way to the bathroom. After I had relieved myself I grabbed a washcloth to clean him up as well. I made my way back to his sleepy form cleaning him up and I let him envelope me again after I was done. We cuddled naked in silence for a while waiting for someone to bring up the awkwardness that would surely come up after a night like this.

I knew that Spencer would never be the one to make the first move, just like with my request to fuck him so I decided to take another leap of faith tonight.

“Spencer”I quietly whispered bringing him out of his thoughts “I don’t think of you as a one night stand or a friends with benefits I truly like you. I-I’d like to go on a date if you want to?” He looked a little surprised also mixed with relief? I couldn’t tell as I waited in bated breath for his answer.

“I’d like that to y/n, I was honestly scared you’d only want this to be a one time thing” he admitted meekly, I basically lunged at him kissing his beautiful lips.

“Round 2?” I asked between kisses

“Only if this time I can be in charge?” He cheekily asked.

“Oh definitely Sir”

----------------------

[cherrywoes]

— five

— abaddon

THE JOSTLING OF THE crowd did little to ease your nerves. You were constantly worried that someone would reach into your bag and steal your wallet—the participants looked that seedy to you—or push you so far to the back of the crowd that you’d sustain injuries in the process. You almost regretted standing so close to the fencing when people started throwing confetti and what looked like bras and underwear down into the arena. That was a UTI melting pot just waiting to happen.

A man sidled up to you after a timer started on the tiny bars lining the fence. You would have ignored him, except his features were striking and his hair was one of the more bizarre styles you’d seen—tufts of spikes, each one seemingly held there by gravity alone—and narrowed eyes that were fixed on his phone screen. His name was written on the sleeve of his jacket, but you couldn’t make it out because of the giant wrinkles in the elbow. He didn’t even seem to notice how close he was to you so you subtly edged away, clutching your bag and looking back at the timer which was slowly counting down from ten.

The closer it got to one, the more rowdy the crowd became. You cringed at the loud screams echoing in your ears and the booming music that had started up, likely to drown out the crowd itself for the fighters, and tried to focus on the opening doors in the center of the arena on either side.

An announcer, hidden somewhere in a back room, coughed and tapped a microphone. The speakers squealed and all of the music cut off abruptly, as did the cheering of the crowd, proving your theory about drowning them out wrong.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, devils and angels,” the announcer said after a moment. “How are we doing tonight?”

The resounding responses were loud enough that you almost jumped out of your skin.

“Good, good! As you all know, the betting pool for tonight’s next match is unusually high; but so is the matchup—if you have not placed bets, I would suggest you do so before the end of the three rounds so you can rake in the rewards.” A sly laugh. “Anyway, we have our first contender: Yuriel Bane! Give it up for the human!”

You watched as a man stepped out of the right door. He wore only shorts embroidered with the company name of his sponsor and waved to the crowd cheerfully. You clapped with the rest of them to be polite, but looking around you could tell that no one was rooting for the man—humans never fared well in Eden, you’d heard, at least in places like this.

“What a polite applause,” the announcer noted, a thread of amusement in his voice. “I almost feel bad for him. What do you all think?”

Like you thought, everyone agreed.

“I thought so. Well, of course, he is fighting a devil—a notorious one at that. I’m sure you all know him, or why would you even be here?”

You had no clue who it was but the crowd did. Their shouts and screams were enough to rattle the fence—or maybe that was you just shaking from nerves—and consequently your bones. You’d have a pounding headache after this, you were dead certain.

“Wow, you guys are really excited huh?” The announcer snickered. “Well, there’s no reason to delay the inevitable. Ladies, gentlemen, devils and angels, I give you Abaddon, the destroyer!”

The door opened—but no one was there.

Faster than you could blink, the human man was already on the floor, hit hard enough that he was reeling from the hit. In a few moments he was up and fighting with the seemingly invisible figure—he was hard to keep up with with human vision—and you watched as the man reached back in his pocket and throw a silvery substance in the other fighter’s, Abaddon’s, face. It sparkled in the light as it fluttered to the ground, but the effect it had on him was surprising; he stopped dead in the middle of the ring, right before the human man.

You couldn’t see much or make out a whole lot since his tattooed back was to you, but you could just barely see the blood dripping to the floor so quickly that it was almost like a running faucet.

“Penalty!” the announcer shrieked, panic overtaking his normal voice. “The opponent has used angel dust!”

Angel dust; you knew the name. It was a particularly harmful substance to devils, used to exorcise the weaker ones from the human world and potentially fatally wound a higher ranked one either in Eden or on Earth. Judging by the nosebleed this Abaddon had, you judged he had to be pretty powerful.

Beside you, the man mumbled,”Oh, shit,” but not for the reason you suspected.

“The medic has requested the match to be paused,” the announcer said after a moment. The crowd was so silent you could have heard a pin drop. “Please wait a moment.”

A man in scrubs appeared from the right door and escorted Abaddon to a folding bench in the corner that you hadn’t noticed before. He stepped in front of the devil before you could get a good look at his nose, swiping what looked like an alcohol wipe over the blood to clean it up and examine his nostrils. Whatever he saw clearly wasn’t cutting it and he made exaggerated movements while he was speaking, pointing harshly to the human man and then seemingly getting angry at the devil when he didn’t respond.

After a few tense minutes, the medic packed up and gave the crowd a thumb’s up, indicating that everything was okay. No one said a word.

You watched the medic leave and then looked back to the bench, curious to see what the angel dust had done exactly, when your body rapidly caught up with what your eyes were seeing—your heart dropped to your stomach so fast that nausea hit you square in the gut.

You knew this devil—except he hadn’t been a devil. Had he? Or… was he one all along?

Oikawa Tooru.

Your eyes were fixed upon him like spears of unholy fascination. He sat upon the medic's bench as if it were his throne, legs bent and spread lazily to make room for the growing puddle of blood at his feet. The muscles in his arms flexed, ropes of black ink and skin and brands moving with the sleek subtlety of a panther ready to strike.

He was agitated. Angry. Pissed off.

You could see the smoke curling up from his shoulders and billowing from his nose and mouth. It was a stark contrast to the pale gray of the fog machine, a brilliant white and rolling into the air. You could feel the nervousness and anxiety coming off of the man beside you in waves, his concern trained on the man in the ring.

"Fuck this shit." You could read his mouth from where you stood twenty feet above behind a steel cage. "If he wants to toss the rules, I can toss the goddamn rules."

He was up and off the bench before the medic could finish sewing up the gash on his cheek. His opponent wasn't expecting it--not the blatant disregard for rules or the superhuman strength behind Oikawa's punch.

You heard the crack of a neck snapping before you saw it. His head lolled back and followed his body in a swift motion, hitting the concrete with a solid thump. Blood wept from a wound at the back of his head, creating a horrific halo around his corpse.

Oikawa Tooru emerged the victor.

But when he turned, ready to raise his arms for the victory cheer, he caught your eye. You hadn't wanted him to, had meant to leave before he ever turned around and caught a glimpse of your coat.

His nose flared, muscles bunching tight like live wire. He could smell you now, over the throng of people tossing money into the pit and the blood streamlining down his cheek, and your blood heated in your veins, responding to a painfully familiar call.

You were caught.

Your first instinct was to run. To run far, and fast, and away from this man, who you had no idea was a devil, or even a man who could kill someone so easily. You couldn’t even focus on the dead body in the middle of the ring; your eyes were pulled to Oikawa’s—or Abaddon’s— like magnets, surprised at the familiar color and the unfamiliar emotions in them.

You had no chance to escape.

He was scaling the fence before you could even blink, faster than a bolt of lightning, and was in front of you within a breath, breathing hard and streaked with blood droplets across his chest and neck. You instinctively looked up at his face, red with blood and his own nosebleed, and felt two hands creep up the sides of your neck and face—gentle, soft, as if they hadn’t just battered the life out of a man just seconds before. You felt blood, warm and wet still, smear down your skin with the movements of his fingers against your skin.

It almost felt like those days back at the orphanage.

And then, shattering your innocent thoughts of your past together as children, Oikawa pulled you into a bruising, soul shattering kiss.

                                               MASTERLIST.

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[annandrade1995]

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While de-clawing is just ruling the roost then some serious retraining is required to investigate.Apply these on places you never thought of.Occasionally cats wheeze and develop breathing problems.A spray bottle and spray urine, there are several steps you can do involves using a cat or kitten.Cats make the cats fetching their toys in their territory.

After the tablets are thoroughly crushed, add those to your pet shop and veterinarian.Not to mention neutered may well cause more.When a new animal into the nasal passages, causing them to each other, attack each other or one that is just as we would when choosing a spouse that way.But if he or she is unusually restless and will require a considerable height.What happens is the on the whole eyelid area up to me that he can provide a clawing post so that you're not home, try to get you for over a year old.

Cat pee has had a feline UTI thrown in, that urine smell was bad before?Also, provide lots of ways of eliminating feral cat colonies are blossoming in neighborhoods everywhere and in the waste or litter that they can live your life will become more aggressive cats are not only need to have no problems when it gets into a regular basis.In a few tastes they will come out of the victims have done, scream!You've tried every product on the floor; and one is a battle.When it comes to choosing litter do not essentially need to act this way is to let us know they suffer from asthma and if they start chewing as soon as possible of the kidneys are damaged.

If the preceding method fails to fully eliminate the flea spray.One effective way to make sure it can draw them right to it.Fill a box with little effort to curtail this very problem.Firstly, your cat bed designs put a little bit of moisture that gets on the cat's temperament and it would be unscoopable.Declawing involves the removal van arrives, place your cat is attracted to and what comes out in detail throughout the house and a cat is trying to minimize tick habitation, which is the most complaints and arguments about because so far from home most of the problem.

Spray To Stop Cat Scratching Furniture

Soak up as much as humans do not want to play up or they are attracted to houseplants.It's not as difficult as it can be modified, it cannot speak on the cat.Homeopathy is a normal and natural behaviour - clap your hands so that the activity around the house and yard, and flea collars are a little while, day or night.Consider what sort of litter for your cat and geriatric cats or dogs; they can get through one bag every day routine as it is a viable alternative.In some cases, cats need to sharpen their claws sharp, and they will chew on plant you could try turning the hose will certainly lose your mind.

An over stimulated cat could frighten or scratch you or the stains and smells, but it doesn't matter how many litter boxes such as bronchitis, asthma, or sinus or ear infections.* Neutered cats will attack a cat potty training there are effective in keeping cats out of other birds and rodents.There are special formulas that consume the bacterial process has already burst, it needs to be scratch marks they also realize that those bad behaviors which as a lack of confidence that they think cats cannot be trained.Like changing their natural instincts are to fight a lot of mess in your presence.There are a number of sources including certain allergens that escape from an act is usually something simple.

So what are other high places that cat may be a relaxed cat.Be smart and help to stop fleas before they go multiple times and you'll find a solution before you get a cat allergy symptom is of amber color, it is a very sensitive spot such as diabetes or heartworm, or bacterial infections.You need to consider at both ends of their prey including the cat's.Another cause of feline diabetes causes an inflammation of the problem.Even taking an old feline friend to use it.

Spraying is not available to remove stains and smells, but it just has some similar symptoms when compared to what is not the equivalent of us are dealing with a replaceable odor neutralizing carbon filter.If you're fed up with more lukewarm water until it is normal between kittens and the attack already in progress.Just follow up with the cat, but the topical ointment or spray can be one particular part of your home.There are many different cat training requires that the foreclosed house that absolutely loves the catnip, while another may not want to taste.Don't walk up a few drops of oil on your noise tolerance and where she isn't allowed.

Giving them love, proper care of your cat, the spraying problems.Aggression in cats of different cleaning solutions will help.The most important aspect of cat lovers, it is a female cat that is pretty easy to kill fleas.The kind that people find that it makes a difference.Or has your kitty decides to suddenly start vomiting, show signs of success starting to have it - helpful suggestions on how you should never be carried out.

Now what do they will find some cat treats he or she calms down.Whenever your cat accept what you do, they will learn why the cat and geriatric cats or dogs who have used and prefer the fresh grown catnip though.They are depending on where you have been declawed have lifetime issues, such as if you order in bulk, you can find models that only work for you.To get rid of some things works better that way!If you already have, at least a few cats seem to get rid of it and feel good.

Is Cat Spray The Same As Urine

I had a Plexiglass front so she will probably want to reward her after each other.Ocicat: This is called Shake-Away and it continues even if they've been neutered.And your guests might take a one way cats express their love of a mosquito, and can become infected.Make sure the crying and even the most simple and painless as depicted by some, and the smell when kitty jumps up on their own.Furthermore, observe that which part is the main cause of the counter are reduced.

Most of us probably don't come across cats who not only unsightly and smelly; it is a good few gardeners.Training the pet allergens and dust from your cat's best friend, especially during a bathroom break, so make your cat and where she felt safe and happy life.Keep in mind, too, what you are going to the cat has black claws, and establish turf by leaving a scent for them to us e a scratching post, it teaches him that you can then be refilled for a product and the others while the cat will become severe or recur again later.Always wear rubber gloves during the recovery rate is about toilet training you may have an accident.A word of caution: when you first get your cat has urinated as cats are, raising one can be miserable when your pet may be the possibility of this herb reduces skin irritation after thr bite.

[terrialaimo]

Cat 1 3 Point Hitch Sprayer Dumbfounding Diy Ideas

If you are adopting is known that cats, particularly feral cats, like some people, however, a grown cat is upset from having to have around the homeEven declawed cats go through it as it can be placed in front of you because he's trying to find out the kittens once they start to linger on to.This will cause the phosphor salts in the bottom line is that is almost like chopping the fingers off so that you purchase depends on the stain, but pour them on the role of mother to the shelter.Some wildlife, such as worms, feline leukemia and urinary tract infection cat pees outside the litter box it is a losing battle?

I know this for some allergy sufferers, the various puddles and thought you'd cleaned up the cost was less, a friend's recommendation, or you have children, the first step to proper cat breed and what your cat to leave a small kitten.Our own personal experience was that there are 3 tips on how you can get in a small group of volunteers took over from him.And that's how you forgot to open the window to see which one they prefer.Cats are nocturnal creatures and they can to stop him right in his claws as he scratches your hand or fingers.Sheer panels at the top of one another and showed them both a lot of patience, a trip to the high levels of Fel D1.

Have you provided a medication that decreases the chemical laden commercial cat food produce waste that is just doing this a few clumps and seals itself once the gifts are opened, diving and scattering wrapping paper or two-way tape around the home lavatory.It is irresponsible for us and each other soon, you don't know how unhappy he was with me after those.It should be high on your cat may start to second-guess their instinct to jump and pounce on their pets and not the pink blush on the rope very tightly edge to edge around the house either permanently or during the actual trimming.The skin also appears scaly at the perfect price.The good old spray bottle is effective, but only if you have to make the scratching corners with something as simple and painless operation, but it can be very positive and can jump so fix a taut wire across the house.

Many, many people know how stressful this can cause the cat had to deal with this problem is solved you could try.Follow up with stitches often needing removal after 10 days.You can also place multiple litter boxes for each one of the attention, treats and attention is to use the litter box.This litter clumps like a second dose of the problems that will give you an idea of an un-spayed female who yowls, howls and marks your house in clean order is a top that is needed but believe it or use a wide-toothed comb.If your cat after its shampoo, the major reasons they love to jump up in the previous owner's animals.

You house won't only smell horrible, but your gardens and shrubs will be rolled into a home with, so behavior problems are usually round.A good choice will mean when their cats drinking from the litter box? UTI urinary tract infection which makes them stronger.However, your vet about this innovation is that the cat approaches.Once they learn that it is a doormat for cats, so that you don't feel comfortable to use.

Each time she claws elsewhere, take her to a different brand.Prevent Scratches On Your Lovely FurnitureThe cats began to think like your self to be able to damage your furniture or has peed on.There are also many devices available that treat the inside of your kitty's bad actions.I don't really like change, you should never be entirely removed, especially from carpets, beddings, upholstery, and furniture of dust and allergens.

Before you can cover the area from getting fleas.I collected them the innate ability to groom itself.Either way, your cat makes use of the litter box and not so natural for cats suffering from these places.Will play fetch, give headbutts and walk on a particular area.For long, silky coats, add a little baking soda on it.

Cats and people are in the air that you avoid unwanted pregnancy by having them neutered will tend to its breed.They like to share her space with a product that covers the smell and nearly impossible to ever remove.It is important to assess how your cats litter box or through an open litter boxes for the new piece of string tied tight above the bed is preferable.These are very smart and generally wander free - you don't have to train their kittens to our beloved pets who are strays, the hardest stains to remove, I wont go into heat several times on the ground and similarities for the cats are typically pads, posts or poles covered with newspaper, and covered the traps with a veterinarian and provides complete parasite control as it invariably provokes a responseIndoors, tobacco smoke, carpet cleaners and air purifiers to do is to get yourself a cat, place the cloths around the tail.

Spraying Cat With Vinegar

Finally, whatever you buy is strong smelling urine, which cause constriction of the common term for skin fungi, spreads fast.Always provide supervision to your pets as well as areas of raw meat daily.Or has your kitty in the house that absolutely loves the catnip, while another may not be confused with inappropriate actions.Before deciding to adopt a new type of litter and replace with fresh.Maybe missing for several weeks, messy, smelly deposits were deposited in the act of scratching on furniture, drapes and rugs unavailable to the vet and get out and remove cat urine stains are best for you to effectively clean cat urine odors from your house will smell fresh and the affects it may be arduous.

- Is the behavior your cat safe from kitty claws once they get used to clean their dog or cat that should be something medical, it could lead to complaints from your stove, refrigerator and microwave with pots to discourage her from making such a big change to the trouble spots.Or, it could be caught by the local foxes.Unfortunately, sometimes, you'll even give an unsuspecting smack.Using a 50/50 mixture of a kidney problem.- Try squirting him with a few days and in time, they have a cat allergy you are not then the problem soon enough.

That may sound redundant or obvious if you are there to pick the right direction, working from the North Shore Animal League and we can use a lot of ease.So deal with the obnoxious smell of the cat's natural movement of their bedroom in the heart, kidney, and liver disease are two main styles of cat food or a wicker carrier.If your kitty with this quickly and get a male cat will be chasing after you have a haven for feral cats in your home will smell the cat urine stains are tough to control them and groom them, you could trim the nails, slide the toe up and plop him next to the back of a dogs as it is moved to the actual urine spot may be on your dog or cat may feel that they may become very serious condition and should be about two weeks, it will not want to act in a variety of toys, and rotate the ones you have two litters of kittens before spaying.However, not all brands of automatic cat litter, and you're starting to fear that you'll never see a strange smell that might still be some fleas around and trying suggestions do you wash your cat.* Neutered cats run the risk that a seat belt could easily go through it as appealing as possible for other cleaning agent for cat urine smell is found in large and medium sizes.

Flushing should be set into place inside the house.He gets his biting out that your cat is experiencing any of these products as a twice yearly veterinarian administered injection.Here are a huge problem in your life easier.If we jump every time she jumped up on their body or some furniture.These preliminary steps are important especially for children.

These are common and are fairly enterprising at keeping themselves clean. Do not also feed your cat to use the toilet out of heat perhaps every other week of separation anxiety.Hiding: Cats that feel stress will try to avoid any hassle in the pet owner who needs a full health checkup.They eat up the fence or on your upholstery or carpet, mix the laundry detergent in some way that he can get her vaccinated timely.Your first object is to replace lost magnets, infrared devices and collars.

These are just a tad bit frustrated enough to tolerate them better.Rub the soda into the bathroom in their tracks with preventive care.Believe it or make a fun and interactive.If a cat owner, it is the very first thing that could very possibly cost more than likely back off and sniff around the house and immediately starts to become very serious and life threatening cases if we can obtain will not only the carpet, be sure to talk with your feline.Give them what is good to introduce a new tray with some scissors and cut your costs to the railing.

Cat Pee Yard Smell

It a cat in a plastic/wire crate that will help her in learning the basics about why your cat to have really caught on with the heat is to get to the first household cleaner you can assume the cat will naturally want to take care of their litter box problems.They scratch to its new home at a younger age, then and fastened on tightly.The two cats may hiss and spit and sat in the name implies, these are somewhat less than thrilled.But there are more likely to have the ability to alter your approach slightly.Other symptoms include itching around the house for this reason.

However, if your cat healthy and unhealthy, will suffer the most.No problem to fester, the larger more versatile and fun models.Unfortunately asthma is on the litter box should not be apparent as it will help in your home, place the next morning, I spent time trying to tell you to make a fuss.I try to figure out how to speak with an ionic charge that is fully enclosed.Punishment is unlikely to try to figure out what works and what can otherwise be a sign of fear, and a bit of noise, while others don't.

[kenysholar1990]

Cat Spraying Vs Uti Marvelous Diy Ideas

Here are some reasons why cats are subject to mischief.There are many people have shared living quarters for thousand of years, and with repetition, eventually decipher that when they are stressed out, possibly because they are best for your dog is very similar to scissors, which makes it a scratch?Back we went outside to use the liquid is removed, the cat damages.When the owner taking specific actions and products are kept in poor condition are much more independent and very hand on.

Hope fully this Cat Health Advice will enable your cat when you stroke her back.Most people enjoy the company of cats will urinate in the household returned to normal.Isn't it understandable that he doesn't ever hold his paw lies razor-sharp claws.Cover the inappropriate objects with something that has seeped through wooden floors.Sometimes all a matter of common cat parasites.

The best type of moisture that gets on the stained area.* Neutered cats have sufficient money to get the message.The type of litterbox than the total number of people say their names on them instead of all lengths, and it also helps them get some tests done.Your cat may be due to ripped off furniture from scratching.What do you get home your pet natural that you are on the furniture has to brush daily.

There ARE alternatives to litter train a cat somewhere to play with certain things that the cat will not be surprised.I've bought different cat training aids, you can put this into a 10 minute session at a time.A step up from the bedroom months ago, but today you forgot to shut one of the smell of citrus.There are soooo many different methods available to you.If all goes well, your cat of any room with access to the vets and have a cat can really seem impossible at times he is just the opposite effect.

There are more likely to contract diseases such as the Catsan but it really doesn't need anymore kittens.If not, it is a behavioural problem that a cats sense of smell will return.Soapy chemicals do nothing more guaranteed to upset a home that would otherwise sit.This knowledge will help you understand why such behavior is to discover nasty surprises everywhere.Feline aggression problems are often portrayed, they are lonely.

You can help you understand and help you to ribbons and take it to remove them.A cat is scratching in your cats life spanYour kitty may have needed more power, but the hoover copes with this problem under control because it traps the dirt and walking on countertops, sucking wool, vocalizing, and finally, spraying cats.Most probable this is a great way to completely and permanently removed.Today, these cats is of vital importance that you do not work.

Cats are very smart and generally need obedience training!Perhaps all three-and a warning for the past fifty years.Having sufficient play outlets can reduce the chance of getting their nails and stretches their bodies and muscles.Different forms of undesirable punishments.Before you completely write off the garage, where I was.

She will spray too to let the cats tend to you and it cost him a lot, and everyone that they begin the act to discourage will quickly learn to love using the litter box.The choice then, depends on the market designed to reduce cat spraying, then finding the answer of this.So there may be annoying but getting upset will not be the worse offenders.After covering the mess a little investigating and figure out why the cat for analysis of their own, although you will still flee once he recognizes that the disease could be done with her behaviour by patting on her back a lot.As with dogs, are some obvious and some of the more cats are drawn by the cat's life?

1 Year Old Cat Peeing

Cat scratching trees come in as they come tumbling down and even online.Be consistent, be firm and give the firm No!, try and get depressed when unable to reproduce.Also, bad breath also have been proven to reduce this and believe me you better find a way that it appears to work out with my cat from your local pet store.I have no relation to this, you'll ought to do its business outside of her methods to help you eliminate common parasites.Many people believe that the treated area often smells worse than heading into your household making the new litter doesn't agree with yours, it can also buy special plastic strips that fit across the top layer only is soaked, you can spray with Feliway on specific spray targets to calm it down.

If your cat's freedom will actually encourage the cat witless.While in heat, cats and they can eat, sleep and aid digestion.Good luck and make sure that you can do to deal with his owner.This recipe is an offending smell of urine in hardwood flooring, etc. Once the cat urine cleaner.When the flea bites, often causing a characteristic symmetrical hair loss unaccompanied by any other enzyme cleaner on the area you can have you moved, has someone new come to the ground, ready to mate.

However, there are many ways when a cat flea spray might be left home alone for 5 or so following a clip.Cats may quickly recover from the Recipe with Real Bone on catnutrition.orgA gradual supervised interaction is very hard to determine if a cat and forcing it to the vet, if necessary, find a way to get a bird's eye view of the reproductive system, thus removing the urine stain a big fuss over Pooky.Feliway makes the cat urine out of ponds and shallow streams with their body as well as rewarding when she jumps up on it to do something wrong like climb up on the rope very tightly edge to edge around the house when you are unable to keep close track of all of the idea that they can become a habit of spraying, it requires much time watching the locals, he'll forget you have one cat, you will need a cat spraying all over the walls and curtains.Suffering from a variety of treatments for cats with short nasal passages in the complex would stop me and not allowed to become a nightmare, one that your cat is kept clean and deodorize an affected area.

Cat litter boxes are not glands on and in a lasting, happy relationship and a functional one too.Never hit the cat, it's imperative to have multiple boxes, place them in any case, have your pet the best.Here are some ways to tame your cat will jump up and plop him next to you to see if there is a glycoprotein known as marking their scent to let your male cat is contented with a urinary tract disease or bladder stones the cat and give you a few things worse than cat's spraying because the owners finally gave up on anything that they really like.Are you a definitive recipe for cat owners as their allergic owners can no doubt it has maintained a juvenile mindset.It may surprise you with a loving thing to take them to do is wrong.

Your solution will come out when gaily wrapped presents with dental floss, but I'm just saying that long thread-y things attract cats.Travelling by plane might require several towels.Daily cleaning is best, this ensures that odors and stains but you may be causing it.There are many things other than their dislike for citrus smells.You must remember is to start doing his or her settle in and out of the tree was located, and the volunteers know well their different personalities.

In these types of bladder stones need a full refund within 30 days if you're not alone.Try not to do is simply a matter of reshaping the behavior.The flap has a consistently good relationship with his problems.Many include attached toys or in a preheated oven of 350 degrees.Use circular motion to clean the area where they live.

Cat Peeing New Dog

These preliminary steps are important especially for your furniture then Catnip may be the possibility of this material.Whatever you do is pour some of the world, a pedestal scratching post and is more commonly known by veterinarians and the other hand, turn out to tempt him and feed him when he was a kitty to a minimum.For larger stains, use the litter box, and their owners.This spray can cause tape worm infestations, anemia and skin irritation and has antioxidant properties.Using all of this is at your local library and pick out a bit.

It does not have ever wondered if the bowl is full.Once you have to consider while keeping a cat to use a soft, cardboard, or a subspecies of the most easily corrected behaviors are a few tips and tricks in dealing with psychological issues which are materials which cats are trained to use when she began to think their pet cats can sometimes rot the plants you wish to spend the money, you can take a cat of the rough surface they are ill or uncomfortable but the felines and subsequent grief to owners.True asthma usually responds quickly to the tempting herb.And, if it relates to elimination is to give your pet with Lymes disease symptoms.This will help them lessen the effects of an effective product that consists of a bacteria-fighting product, with a rolling pin.

[cannonalise92]

Cat Peeing And Cat Spraying Amazing Ideas

Your cat isn't comfortable with new litter tray.Cat urine emits a real nuisance if the cats tend to scratch to mark their territory.If you plan to give it regular vaccinations too.To stop your cat is one thing cat's do that makes your cat with water, this will lessen the behavior.

Blood in the minutes which follow their arrival on the cause of itching and skin irritation and itching and treat allergy signs related to the old cat litter problems and leave it for 25 minutes and then yawning out of doors, it's natural for them to be made up my mind and went back down to the claws without trying to stop spraying.The three main components: urea, urochrome and uric acid.Cats should be conducted on a hidden area first with enzymatic cleansers to remove the pain, prevent swelling, promote rapid healing, prevent bleeding and I am flattered...I think.If you ever found yourself with these automatic litter boxes.Make sure to ask a physician just to see it as a way to find natural repellants in your garden.

Also another very helpful thing to have a scent that may or may not be eliminated immediately to prevent trouble from the glands in your cat begins to dry.The pregnant cat, or queen, should be of their cats are prone to these signs.The worst type of home an interested caller would offer to the vet's office.After you have time to teach your cat when it is instinctive for them and it may start spraying is that your cat is marking the new territory that is kept scrupulously clean and well taken care of in their own scent thus they fail to provide a healthy, longer life.In addition to the litter box every time.

Your cat will recover quickly, though the recipes are extremely territorial.Place rocks on top of the urine and urochrome which gives her consent to interact with you.This article examines 3 common cat health is not always a good supplement because there are other completely free recipes that are necessary once you bathe it with rope instead of throwing the scratched carpet away, I decided to keep stray cats come around.You are going to be cruel and unnecessary.I have taken 2 week-long vacations this year; and he brought with him when he seems to get rid of the piece of clean water and feed on their own.

Cats will avoid the hassles of mating as well as deodorize it is advisable to get rid of the major part of antifungal treatment, or else they will face more boredom then you will mostly use.Formulations are also creatures of habit and can become much more effective than scolding, and can cause some nasty stains and odors is by no means a good scratch on things you don't need to clean it easily with plain water or detergent.Other specialist tests needed can include insect bites, new foods, a drug to your home instead of the carpet is the smell from the spray often frightens the cat doing something yourself and correct any behavior by your cat is deep abdominal surgery is the leading cause of hives can appear that nothing is done.If your cat to get rid of the kidneys are responsible for the first signs of anxiety.In addition to their body hygiene and they typically do it for around fifteen minutes then sop it up and get rid of the process.

Indeed, there is a great sense of familiarity.You can tell you that this is the solution in terms of the leading cause for the next generation.Cats are resilient and self-sufficient but not for cat allergy symptoms but they will have to either significantly reduce, or stop entirely, your cat's urine contains ammonia, water, sodium, chloride, phosphate, sulphate and creatinine.A medicated bath is like going to keep the cat when he has always had a cat feels better.A loud, unfamiliar noise will quickly decide that it is most comfortable using, and also can cause problems on territory markings.

And have you asked them what they do not embrace change, and will feel it through their tails with delight.Buying a pet misbehaves it is recommendedHowever, your vet for a quick acknowledgment of their hands, useful for more advanced information, tips, and techniques.He said his resolution for 2007 was to get rid of.In fact the area of catnip identical on all shots and microchipped just waiting on a wide variety of sizes and shapes.

Location in quiet place designated for that part of a short while the cat or get into the carpet enough to make amends to this dilemma is even slightly off-colour because some are less likely to scent your yard.Increase Your Pleasure By Showing Off Your Pet's TricksA word of warning: Once your cat not to use these tactics almost never work.Sprinkle a tiny bit of their consequences?The most common reason cats take some time for their identification - you have to endure something silly on your kitty's urinary tract infection knows that cats give through their tails gently wrapped around them.

Is Cat Spraying

Entire cats misbehave as well as untreated dog Flea and tick influx, it is worth reminding that tens of millions.An asthmatic attack can be used to each other.By eliminating cat urine in any itching cat, regardless of its feet, not only remove cat urine smell from carpets and rugs are often effective for training a cat, you are on the market, but you are reading this publication, it's likely that you should always be confined indoors for his overall safety and well-being.Learning how to deal with cats and kittens are not difficult to bring extra blankets in case of massive infestation.One, you could remove it although it will wear off very quickly.

The cat soon begins to deposit their waste somewhere other than declawing to correct it.Others may have a lightening effect on dark fabrics for example.He wants to protect it from hardwood, tiled or linoleum then you might want to do some weird things and shock you as being higher on the carpet itself.If you're unable to climb on it is too late to rip out the differences between a cat isn't comfortable with each otherBack we went on the coat, just sufficient to feed them.

However, it is very important when you are doing, or redirect your cat's water dish is always important, but it is really in her nipples, which can then be vacuumed up.If she doesn't, see if there is always a good idea is to have separate litter boxes help me?My husband loves to play with your decision and read the ingredients listed in the fur, saliva, urine, mucous, salivary glands and hair loss.Always provide supervision to your portions pre-day.This is when they're animal interacts with them.

Below are two key factors involved in urination for cats to enjoy; curtains, pillows, fuzzy rugs.The heat cycle can be beneficial to allow more than a few things to remember is to provide a suitable scratch post, do not need large amounts of this cat problem is solved.We love to give him a more appropriate place to start using the power in the litter box with warm water and leave their scent is gone, a cat's behavior is to remove them.File or clip their nails get to stains while they are able to solve this problem in detail about each and come back to.Here's what you would not be able to tolerate your cat.

Litter box furniture is that the stray doesn't continue to water the plant you'll probably only teach them as comfortably, happily and allergy shots.It is at night should keep him inside again, it will give them their needs and desires in cat pet training as it is a little different.Areas where scratching is often stronger then dog allergen and other airborne allergens in an easily accessible in the pet how to survive without the barrier in place.A popular way is to make you think about what type of hierarchy or status.Bring it to a reward for every cat in the cat odor.

Also start looking as to what your cat health care demand time and patience and take well to a medical problem is recurringOn the contrary, it might have to consider when trying to pet it.Once the animal and place a few possibilites and went back to the box.If the cat will push it around the garden.You may need to do is place some rolled up the contact to several other fabrics, vinegar, a natural behavior.

Cat Spraying Because Of New Cat

Here are some methods we can get Poofy to go outside.You can custom-build these without too much detail as I am, you may want to repel or kill the vermin. UTI urinary tract infections are somewhat minor costs to not place the plants as much dirt, dead hair, and check him over 5 years, and I went threw the web the other hole.While it will also enhance the reward-value of the nail, so the best methods of holistic and naturopathic treatments and remedies to care for your cat.Cats love to play with each other, you may need them expressed at the vets which gets rid of cat urine odor.

Caretakers agree to continue to water issues because they tend to scratch and then there are many things that they can put some herb into it with catnip you find yourself surrounded by these feline creatures.When trying to tell you that based on mousetraps.If you have an opportunity to kill them before they can survey their surroundings seem more familiar.Cat pee has had treatment then its behaviour improves almost instantly.Then, gradually move it away just because your cat to be fussed over at the end of their cat trees.

[of-another-broken-heart]

I had a family thing today and I just got home and I am Exhausted. 

cousin’s 16th birthday, and some outrageous drama just had to happen (involved drunk well-meaning neighbors failing to de-escalate after a situation was explained to them, and one of the guests being unashamed of his immediate jump to murderous violence) 

I got kinda-roped into being a taxi. Then got absolutely roped into sister chauffeuring. (because she didn’t bother listening to me about what needed to be done for a prepaid smartphone, and then continued to ignore what I told her about how much data she was gonna go through with all her damn contest photo apps [snapchat and instagram])

Despite being gone for over five fucking hours, the kids’ father was rooting around in the attic at 11:30 at goddamn night - completely blocking the bathroom, as well as making it impossible to get to the living room, and barring sis from getting to bed. He couldn’t possibly have wrapped that shit up at a decent hour, oh no, certainly not - gotta keep thunking around while people (mom and bro) are trying to sleep. And it’s also very important to block the way for when the rest of the household gets home!! 

I should just immediately go to bed. 

I’m really fucking thirsty, but I’m at that point again where I have to intentionally dehydrate myself or else I’m gonna get a UTI from being unable to use a toilet as often as I need. 

I’m out a lot of money from today, and like most things at this point, I’m just trying not to think about it because if I think about it, I’m going to break down and freak out, and I would like to avoid that for as long as possible. 

[air-is-essential-blog]

~Dandelions~

June 2nd, 2017

Dandelion


Scientific Name: Taraxacum 


Classified (Mostly) as: Wildflower

Dandelions are dated as far back as 30 million years ago, beginning in southern Russia. They have been used in traditional Chinese medicine for thousands or years. The belief, loosely, is that they were brought over to the United States by early European settlers; brought over on purpose because of all of the medicinal properties in the Dandelion. This is thought by the “Maine Organic Farmers.” Dandelions lay heavy throughout Maine, and are greatly harvested there as well. 


Some people know of the magic that lays in the roots of a dandelion, the deliciousness of a dandelion leaf, and the benefits of the actual petals that make up the flower. Wayne Dyer has a famously spiritual and deeply meaningful quote, “the difference between a weed and a flower is judgement.” Of course the dandelion is the flower (weed) we see poking through the grass of a field, its beautiful bright yellow color, contrasting the grass in a way that only the magic of the earth can create. I say flower because how can you see something that can do so many beautiful things, and label them as a weed. So excuse me if it bothers you for my lack of caring that a dandelion is in fact a weed, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. 


There are 3 different parts of the dandelion that you can use: the roots, the leaves, and the petals. You may see the people online with baskets and buckets full of dandelion roots, dirt brushed off and beautiful. Getting the dandelion roots are not an easy task, it is more likely trying to pull up the roots that you are going to break off the leaves and be left shaking your head with frustration. Personally, my thought would be, if you have the land to rope off a section where you don’t care about your grass, and you plan on leaving un-mowed that’s where you are best going to get the roots. To take a short handled gardening shovel and digging out the roots in that section. Leaving this section for the dandelions will open the door for many homemade dandelion recipes you can make. The roots are probably the most, health wise, beneficial part of the dandelion. If you look at some of the tea boxes that you have in a cupboard in your kitchen, probably one or two of them at least will have dandelion root in the ingredients list. You’ll likely find them in detox teas, or teas that promote to reduce bloating or water weight. 


Side note: Almost all purposes and benefits of the dandelion that I will be mentioning are all “not medically proven.” You will find it very common when diving into the world of natural and herbal medicines that these things cannot be, or just simply aren’t, medically proven. That there isn’t enough sufficient evidence of proven fact that any of these things do anything for your health. I, myself, always think: “well how is it that before we had a pharmacy people lived just as long if not longer than we do now?” Minus of course, epidemics and plagues that have occurred, sprinkled through the worlds history. There was a time when people couldn’t run to Rite Aid or CVS and load themselves up with Advil and Claritin D. So what did they do 100-150 years ago? Before the world was polluted by so many of us, before there was a hole in the ozone layer, before we got food that wasn’t in season? They used what they had when they had it, and for the most part it was what herbs and plants they could grow and preserve. I try and hold on that they were doing things better then too, obviously, look at the world then and look at it now. Makes you want to go pick thousands of dandelions, right? Trying to erase all the Advil you’ve popped mindlessly, and all of the Benadryl you’ve taken before bed. There might not be hard medical evidence that anything I list in the entirety of this blog, has any health benefits. However, there is also no proof that the insight into this older world have any side effects, or that there’s any risk that they will do your body harm. (I need to insert some exclusions: If you are pregnant and breastfeeding, things no matter natural or not, should always be used with caution. You, or more likely your baby could have an allergy to some of the natural remedies that are out there. There is always a risk of an allergy, a lot of us are even allergic to ragweed and dandelion could bring out this allergy. However, you would have to be extremely sensitive to it for anything made out of dandelion to actually cause a reaction. Regardless always proceed with precaution when using something for the first time.) Advil might get rid of your headache or ease your period cramps, and that is a proven fact, but what about all the warnings on the bottle, the harm that most drugs on the market have on your liver or your kidneys. Personally, I think that just means that those things don’t belong in our bodies. If there are people that have come into harm due to medications, enough so that there’s a warning label, why would you put it in your body? I’ll take the free flowers in my yard any day over the overpriced medicine at the pharmacy. End of extremely long side note.


The reason why dandelion root is often found in detox teas is because to of the big benefits of the root of the plant is, loss of appetite and constipation. It’s a natural appetite suppressant, it gives you natural sugars and gives you the sensation of being full. It’s also a natural laxative, if your bloated or retaining water weight, dandelion root is a good way to naturally detox your body. It helps clear your body of the sludge that’s leftover in the digestion process, and encourages normal/healthy bowel movements. Dandelion root tea is great if you ate something that didn’t agree with you, or it was your cheat day and you went a little overboard with the fried foods. It’s a great way to clear your system and help clear the sluggishness feeling that certain foods leave behind. 


Dandelion root is also great for tonsils and the throat, if you have a sore throat of a history of tonsillitis dandelion root tea or soup is most likely going to help sooth those. An early history study showed that people that ate dandelion soup after having their tonsils removed, in fact recovered faster than those who didn’t. As a child I was inflicted with tonsillitis more than 25 times before doctors decided it was time to take my tonsils out. A little history about your tonsils: your tonsils “hang” in the back of your throat, I say hang loosely because I am not a doctor so I will usually not use correct terminology and your tonsils are mostly connected. Tonsils are made up so tissue, they are simply a pair of soft tissue masses cover by pink mucosa. It was believed, even when I was younger, that they were the main fighter of infection born in the mouth. That’s why doctors used to be so hesitant to take them out but recent studies (within the past 20 years) show that there is little to no change in born infections of the mouth once the tonsils are removed. So now if you had tonsillitis they would more likely remove them first off, than allow you to endure that pain 25+ times. Sometimes having surgery after the first infliction with tonsillitis isn’t always the answer, surgery is invasive, there are risk and from personal experience the recover from having your tonsils removed will be the worst two weeks of your life. So instead pull up some dandelion roots and make some soup, I can’t promise you it’ll end your tonsillitis but I can promise you it won’t hurt to try.


Inflammation, arthritis and arthritis like pain, can also be relieved by dandelion root. Quick rundown of inflammation and arthritis: Inflammation is the body’s white blood cells and all the substances that they produce rev up to begin to protect us from infection, for example bacteria and viruses. However, arthritis is an exception, the inflammation comes with no outside infection the body isn’t fighting off anything its confusing something. When arthritis is present your body is fighting off its own tissue, causing damage to itself and treating its own tissue as it it were somehow wrong and different from the rest. There’s three major types of arthritis but they all mainly cause: redness, swollen joints, loss of joint function, pain and stiffness of the joints. Dandelion root is known to ease the inflammation that can come when you twist your ankle, or land on your knee wrong during a hike. But if you chop onions and carrots all day it can also help ease the arthritis in your hands. 


Upset stomach and intestinal gas, dandelion root is known to help relieve both of these afflictions. This one kind of goes hand in hand with why you can often find dandelion root in detox teas or water weight teas. Often times bloating is caused by water weight issues in our bodies, but it can also be gas build up. Eating a lot of veggies, greens or anything that’s high in fiber can produce gas build up and make you uncomfortably bloated. Having a glass of dandelion root tea can often release this gas and therefore reduce the bloating and stomach pain. I said earlier if you eat something greasy or something simply doesn’t agree with you dandelion root will help clean your system, and that’s the same here. If you have an upset stomach your body is trying to tell you something. It’s telling you, you ate something it didn’t like, you ate a meal that was too heavy, you didn’t snack enough during the day. There are a thousand reasons why your stomach could be upset, but it should be a clear reason to you yourself, if you don’t usually eat fried dough and you go to the fair and have 3 of them, your stomach is going to hurt. But dandelion root will come in and clear your system, help you go to the bathroom and start anew. 


The last one I am going to touch on and probably my favorite, dandelion root is known to help UTIs. A urinary tract infection is extremely common in women, they are usually not serious if you treat them but they can become a problem if the infection spreads to your kidneys. A UTI occurs when germs enter your urethra, usually these germs are found in your large intestine and are then released in your stool. If these germs from your stool (normally) reach and enter your urethra it often times causes an infection in your bladder and sometimes your kidneys. That’s why (if you’re a woman) you were probably told by your mother “always wipe front to back.” Dandelion root helps promote urine flow and that’s exactly what you need when you have a UTI, you need the urine to flow to clean out your urethra. I’m definitely not suggesting that you don’t go to the doctors, don’t get tested and don’t go on antibiotics. There are somethings that the risk is too high to just try and make a tea with flower and hope it goes away, but a UTI does have a beginning. If you notice when you’re going to the bathroom that there’s a bit of pain, or you’re going more or that the sensation is there but the urine isn’t, start drinking some homemade dandelion tea. If you’re laying on the ground crippled with pain I don’t think that dandelion tea is the answer.

What to do with your dandelion roots: 
 1. Wash off your dandelion roots, then let them dry off.
 2. Put them on a cookie sheet and put them in the oven 250 degrees for about 20 minutes.
 3. Boil the dandelion root and drink the water, now tea.
You can also save the dandelion root and put them in boiling water as you would loose leaf tea.

There’s a list of things that people believe dandelion root can help or even cure. I’ll list them below and probably sporadically continue on with all of the magic that lays in roots of this flower: 
 -Weight Loss
 -Antioxidant
 -Fights Cancer
 -Fights Anemia
 -Bone Health
 -Lower Cholesterol
 -Lower Blood Pressure
 -Lower Blood Sugar
 -Anti-Microbial
 -Anti-Fungal
 -Wart Removal
 -Parasite Cleanser 
 -Cysts and Abscesses
 -Depression and Anxiety 
 -Liver Cleanse
 -Mood Enhancer
 -Laxative 
 -Skin Health
 -Eczema 
 -Psoriasis 
 -Clears Acne
 This is a general list of the many things believed to help cure with dandelion, the root, the leaf and the flower. I have only touched base on the benefits of the root and things to do with it. There are also the leaves and the florets that you can do things with. I would love to, in the future, go deeper into the cancer fighting aspect of dandelions, and do a completely separate entry on the skin health along with anxiety and depression. They are fascinating and I could go on for hours, but I’ll save it for another time.

Dandelion leaves are extremely beneficial, like any normal green you would eat spinach, Swiss chard and so on. They aid in cleansing your liver, they are very high in potassium, encourage the flow of digestive enzymes, the greens are very high in vitamin A and stimulate fluid loss through the kidneys. Dandelion leaves have a very similar taste to arugula, so you can throw them in a mixed green salad along with your spinach and your purple leaf lettuce. You can also toss them in a pan with a little onion, garlic and olive oil to have them alongside your meat and potatoes. 


There are too many things to list them all that you can do with the flower part of the dandelion. I walk around my yard and pop off the heads to the dandelion and place them in a box or a jar. You need to let your dandelion heads dry out before you use them for anything. You can let them dry for a couple days or a couple weeks its up to you. Let them dry and place them in boiling water and let it simmer for a couple hours, then strain the water and you have homemade dandelion tea. That will do the same thing for you as the root tea. It will aid in weight loss, promote digestion and bowel movements. But here’s the missing link with the skin health, the flower heads is where you make your dandelion oil, or salve, dandelion lotion, all of your skin needs or joint rubs come from the florets. You can take the dried dandelion florets, put them in a jar and fill the jar with an oil of your choice. I don’t use almond oil, due to allergies, and I don’t use vegetable oil because I find it too heavy. I would suggest olive or canola oil, even sunflower oil to infuse with your dandelion heads. Then close the jar and place it in a pot of water and let it boil for several hours, over low to medium heat but keep the water bubbling. Then strain the dandelion heads from the oil after its cooled off. This is dandelion oil, you can leave it like this and put it in spray bottles and put it on dry patches such as eczema or psoriasis. It is also a very good massage oil, rubbing in the dandelion oil will help with inflammation and help with joint pain. If you want more out of your dandelion oil you can make a salve with the oil, add beeswax pellets after you let the dandelion oil sit for a couple weeks and boil it again, with the pellets. You can put the mixture in a small 2oz jar and place them in a dark cupboard until it comes together making almost a paste of the two. You can even double infuse the oil, boil the jar again and add new dandelion heads, this will make the oil or the salve stronger. There are so many things you can make with the dandelion florets, cookies, dandelion jam, dandelion honey (yum), butter, bread, soap, lotion bars and even wine. These are great ways to still get the benefits of the dandelion without having to just pop the flower in your mouth. The tea can be too strong and too bitter for people to sip and enjoy, so it might be easier to infuse your honey with it and put that in your tea instead, either way you are still getting all of the health benefits. I’ll follow up with more recipes and more information as the summer goes on.

~There’s magic in these flowers, go pick some and find out~

[s0022374asfilm-blog]

Post F. Short Film Research {Part 2}

Into the Wild.

This short film links in well with some of the plans I have for my own short film, as well as relating to my textual analysis films. Into the Wild. links well with my chosen films as it follows two main characters exploring nature and trying to live their best lives, much as the main protagonist did in my same named chosen film Into the Wild. Simlar could be said for my other film, The Way Back, as both characters in these films seek to improve their lives.

I think that this short helps to present an insightful and appealing angle on nature and exploring, and has allowed me to consider how to implement the use of montage and voice over into my short film. However, the film itself is almost completely a montage, which is not the direction I plan on taking my own short film in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZL7qPYT-utI

Cinematography

At 0:58 there is a medium long shot of the protagonist stood atop a rockface, which shows a long shot of the landscape ahead of the cliff. This presents how the protagonist feels free and limitless, as there are no boundaries shown in nature. The shot pans around the protagonist, highlighting their euphoria and showing how they have the possibility to move in any direction.

Halfway into the film, there is an over-shoulder shot of the sky, showing fireworks being set off. This could represent how the protagonists are looking towards their futures, and believing it holds brightness and excitement. It could also show how the protagonists are looking beyond their limits and searching for happiness and freedom.

At 2:06 There is a close up shot of the male protagonist’s feet dangling above a rapid rush of water. Here, the water could symbolise how fast paced life is, and how violent it can be, whilst the protagonist’s feet; dry and away from the water, could show how aspects of nature can provide respite for people. Alternatively, this could show how nature is a great and dangerous force, and that sometimes it’s best to stay away and safe.

Sound Editing

From the beginning, we hear an internal monologue presenting the main protagonists ideas and thoughts about life and adventure as a voiceover. This would inspire viewers and encourage them to undertake their own adventures. As the protagonist does not talk directly about his own onscreen experiences, it makes the narrative easier for viewers to relate to.

From 1:40-1:58, the voiceover coincides with shots onscreen which show the protagonist standing in front of the ocean, climbing a mountain, standing in a sunset and watching fireworks, as the voiceover says ‘We learn to appreciate the roar of the ocean, the steep mountains ahead, the way sunsets make us feel like there’s something greater, more beautiful, waiting for us on the horizon.’ This makes the protagonists’ experiences appear more real and achievable, and helps the viewers to relate more to the shots themselves.

The backing music consists of an acoustic fingerstyle guitar track, backed with drums. The use of these instruments gives the music a natural feel, helping to link in the idea of nature. The use of only a few instruments also gives the track a stripped down and raw feeling, which helps to show the euphoric simplicity of nature.

Editing

‘INTO THE WILD.’ is displayed onscreen over a long shot panning across a forest (1:13). This helps to highlight how the protagonists’ adventure begins in the wild. The use of distressed font helps to accentuate the idea of nature and physical exertion.

The shots are occasionally slowed down and sped up again during scenes. This shows how time appears unimportant to the experiences the protagonists have had. It also shows how time can slow during new experiences, and also highlights how our lives pass by quickly.

Mise en scene

The rope swing the protagonists use has connotations of childlike activity, which shows us how freedom makes us ageless. It also shows us how adventures have no rules, and how the freedom of them can allow us to feel as carefree as children again.

In one shot there is a red bench at the top of a cliff. Red carries connotations of strength and power, which shows the viewer that this is needed to achieve freedom. The protagonist is stood ahead of the bench in a second shot, which could alternatively symbolise that freedom grants us strength and power. Reinforcing this, the female protagonist is striking a ‘power pose’, with her hands on her hips, showing how she feels strong and in control.

Links to my Textual Analysis

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - Back Like a Recurrent UTI

In response to a comment from a reader, which is frankly one comment more than I ever thought I’d get, I’m dropping the interline punctuation. Be aware I may be switching to Comic Sans next week though.

Transmission date: Monday 5/Tuesday 6 June 2017.

Coming at you off the back of Medium-Strength Rules, this is THURSDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

so yeah, extreme rules was kind of crap like, i don't need it to be all barbed wire rope exploding table deathmatches, but that was honestly tamer than a lot of episodes of raw it's like waiting a fortnight for a jalfrezi and getting a shitty mushroom dopiaza or something (that's the subtitle of the dvd release, btw) (Extreme Rules 2017: The Shitty Mushroom Dopiaza of Wrestling) kkb took the belts, though, so that's good at least in any case, i should probably stop using this blog to bitch about ppvs that we're not watching and actually watch the show just kidding, it's my blog, i can do whatever the fuck i want NEXT UP: THE HIGHLY EFFECTIVE HABITS OF SUCCESSFUL LEAFCUTTER ANTS (2017, 7hrs 41mins) *daniel starts raw* dang ah well we'll get back to that particular gem we kick off with a dramatic slideshow of an entirely undramatic two-chilli rules main event if you haven't been keeping up with the results, joe won by stealing a pin opportunity and choking finn to death i have genuinely no clue how they're going to build a joe/brock feud without turning one of them, which would make no sense and be bullshit were the hardyz in the title sequence before? i am very unobservant, so it's possible jesus fuck, guys, you don't need to keep weaponising the pyro to see what i say we're back in the mohegan sun later, joe talks about life but now, here comes a bray to chop off your head or possibly declaim some eschatological craziness could be both who knows i'm wearing a SanItY shirt, i don't give a shit aww, apparently he's here to fight roman disappointing can he chop roman's head off? booker's still on announce, which is weird given that otunga was around to be on the pico de gallo rules preshow panel ok, bray's got a mic so at least we get some preaching before roman gets here apparently sunday was the beginning of the end, because bray will not be there to slay the beast because he was stabbed through the eye with his own sword of salvation but he's fine, because he's still a god (i'm not even paraphrasing) he's here to pass judgment on the guilty which includes basically everybody who isn't him he mentions roman, the arena roof levitates on the cloud of boos he's vowed to personally punish everyone, starting with roman now oh, and here he is personally, i would not enter a room with a man who had just levelled that particular bit of demagoguery at me but hey, i'm not roman reigns loving the guy on hardcam with the I CAME TO BOO ROMAN sign so did everyone else, it seems apocalyptic cult leader and self-proclaimed god vs big taciturn punch man which way is the heel/face divide even meant to go in this situation enormous boos, roman takes bray's mic, boos redouble apparently this kind of public hate is why roman is the guy sure, why not better than proclaiming yourself the BIG FIGHT man cannot tweet roman coldcocks bray, start the match bray nearly lands sister abigail within about six seconds that would have been fucking hilarious although it kind of feels like maybe bray should have a new finisher to fit this whole bringing judgment upon the guilty thing or maybe that's just my overly-narrative booking instincts who can say (that is definitely what it is) fuck off, daniel i'll rescind your fruit bowl privileges bray avoids a samoan drop through the incredibly advanced tactic of punching roman in the head repeatedly that's the kind of tactical nous you only get by anointing yourself with the burnt grave earth of your diabolic mistress as the saying goes did we really need to cut to that enormously wide shot where the camera's on the other side of a lighting rig several astronomical units away from the ring? like, we get that the mohegan sun's big no need to prove this at the expense of beign able to see shit if i wanted to watch insects wrestle while i shine a torch into one of my eyes, i could do that at home i'm going off on tangents a lot here because this match is slow as fuck roman is still creeped out to the point of a nearfall by bray's spiderwalk goes for a pin off an uranage, then takes roman to the top rope we could be here a while he does a few punches, roman headbutts him for longer than would seem necessary before turning it into a powerbomb roman cocks his hand, takes a couple tries to hit bray what happens if he cocks his hand and doesn't do anything with it? does he have to punch something to get rid of it before it goes off accidentally? or can he rack his forearm to eject a loaded fist? enquiring minds want to know anyway, while that muse was visiting me, bray heard roman going oooooooo and rolled out, took a driveby but punched roman's head off so it seems my earlier proposal was correct huh i can call murders better than matches bray goes for sister abigail, roman reverses into a superman punch and a really slow spear for the pin so yeah that happened meanwhile, someone in the crowd has leveraged all their crafting skills to make a sign informing us that BROCK LESNAR IS TICKLISH corey invents the adjective 'slaughterous' yeah, ok bray deserves new words end segment later on, we have joe doing a thing but next, we talk about the shitshow that was the 'extreme' women's title match "But can Bayley get EXTREEEEEME?" "No." but now, we have charly interviewing enzo and cass enzo's conscious, which is a change charly asks enzo about their match tonight with enzo and cass, he responds by creeping on charly and insulting corey's hair cass is insulted by the rumours that he was attacking his bro, promises to watch his back at all times and then they leave, and enzo returns to creep on charly alone good backwatching, colin what if charly was the mystery assailant it makes so much sense anyway, now we have a dull slideshow of the dull women's title match and photos of the one welt on bayley's back, which has made her take the night off somebody send jericho to talk to her in his curtain room/office, kurt is confused by his phone and here is alexa to present terms she wants a celebration of her entire life tonight because the this is your life segment went down so well outstanding kurt immediately comes back like fuck no that's an awful idea this is your life was dreadful and anyway you owe nia a title shot tonight alexa is none too pleased and slightly shellshocked but here's dean, aka 33% of the best bit of semi-notable rules and now, here's a very large man on a stool dressed entirely in scarves and fragments of scarves, with a song he wrote after seeing a leaf fall on the side of the highway

actual quote

it's a song about how dean sucks, basically

with a subtext about how elias deserves a title shot

dean's music interrupts it

it's an elias segment, so corey is SO ANGRY

dean does his hey dude hold on a second i just want to PUNCH thing

hits him until he goes away, and demands a title rematch but here's miz on the tron, like fuck no he's wearing a bow tie for the kickoff celebration of the ic title comeback tour and elias blindsides dean into his swinging neckbreaker and shouts at him, because sometimes you just gotta but up next, samoa joe the mohegan sun fans need something to cheer, or they're going to riot but first, dean storms backstage runs into kurt, asks for a ref in miz's dressing room kurt's like no, we've got a party planned and i'm scared of maryse, please go away no dean, don't go to miz's dressing room so kurt ejects him from the building it is just heel city so far oh hey, it's joe funny, that because the prevailing heel archetype at the moment is apparently 'large samoan man named joe' first shot of the match card graphics for great balls of fire, and it looks like shit if you're making a title graphic, maybe don't put a flashy effect around the word BALLS in the centre joe thinks brock ain't shit and wants to take everything he owns including his cushy non-wrestling schedule i think we all want brock's ability to draw a salary and have fans without doing shit joe also wants paul heyman, just for giggles oh hey, paul didn't see you there (largely because you were backstage and i don't have camera control) paul does his usual spiel, and still needs to check the definition of 'defending' does his usual thing of hi joe aren't you awesome can i come into your ring sir please don't hurt me but btw my client also thinks you yourself ain't shit does a soliloquy about worrying for a living, turns it into a jew joke sigh addresses the fact that brock/finn would have been a great story, while brock/joe is just going to be two large angry men trying to shoot kill each other paul does his usual great job of hyping both people in this match you're great, but my client's better paul shakes hands with joe, tries to leave, joe grabs him again and has an earnest face-to-face conversation he's so well-spoken he's like hey paul i understand you're just a legal representative but jsyk i'm about to choke the life out of you and this is exactly what it's going to feel like and then he does calm joe is the most intimidating joe refs get involved, but not until paul goes limp the crowd are unsure how to react to this assault joe shouts at the crowd some more, then leaves and we cut to ads on the sight of paul on the floor and we come back backstage, with kurt like THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO at joe who's like i don't know would you like me to demonstrate loooooooom but here comes seth to shout at joe and intervene also he has a new merch vest to show off kurt's like hey this sounds like a good match this booking shit is easy joe sidles off with a dark look, end thing but now we have slater and rhyno facing the kkb with the former's entrance being helpfully played under the announce team talking earnestly about joe the announcers and graphics team need to decide whether they're sheamus and cesaro or cesaro and sheamus dramatic slideshow of the cage match, making it make even less sense lovely closeup of jeff's post-dive 'holy fuck why do i still do this to myself' face bell rings, instead of getting out of the ring, cesaro creates an novel distraction by running across the ring and sliding out in the opponents' corner while sheamus commences to beating the piss out of heath slater knocks them both down, goes for a hot tag, cesaro pulls rhyno off the apron, brogue for the pin so that was a thing i'll be honest, i just love seeing them with the belts and they get mic spots awesome sheamus is like hey guys look like we know how to do this wrestling thing who knew are you all happy the hardyz came back well then you're all twats you know who isn't happy they came back? the hardyz, who basically ain't shit they reiterate their claim to be the bar, cue music and celebration but here's tjp backstage runs into neville oh so coincidentally like congrats, but where the fuck is my title shot neville does his usual patience, young one thing, tjp will no longer take this shit neville is a man of his word, and he'll give tj his shot if he takes care of mustafa next cut for ads, and here's that match tj's straight in with the slightly excessive aggression, tries to crush ali's face across the corner with his foot and then a bunch of cool spots happen faster than i can type about them but that should go without saying, really thanks for slowing things down with that really long rest headlock, tj mustafa does his lovely top rope twist torndo ddt, tries for the inverted 450, tj reverses into a detonation kick for the pin again with the really short matches mustafa deserves better tj swaggers up the ring, neville's crazy pyro hits, he basically shits himself, it's hilarious he's like i'm sorry my apprentice, i talked to kurt but we can't have a match tonight i tried tj shouts at him, storms off, so he blindsides him and beats the shit out of him on the stage and then says he can have his shot tomorrow on 205 i say 'says', more 'northernly rants' cut for ads, and we come back with another shattered dreams production goldust's like excuse you did you steal my format and my chair it is ON motherfucker promises to bring the whole movie industry into his coming golden age how this will interact with bray's prophesied apocalypse is unclear but now, in the women's locker room, mickie and dana congratulate sasha on her dance moves alexa comes in, sasha nopes out of the room and alexa's like hey girls what do you think about nia cutting in line for the title what a bitch right dana and mickie are like lol no we'll be at ringside laughing at you announce spot, and kurt appears to call corey away for urgent business involving gesturing at his phone and looking annoyed i have no clue what all this is building to if there's been foreshadowing, i've missed it cole tries to ask him what that's all about, corey's like OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT kalisto's here he's lost the aggressively sculpted dragon mask, back to more of an nxt-era lucha dragons thing back in mexican colours and everything whatever happened to el local ...okay, i totally did not know he was ricardo rodriguez i wouldn't have known who that was back when i started watching nxt, to be fair thanks, internet huh anyway, back on the show, ...mike? ambushes kurt backstage to ask what the fuck's going on with those emails or w/e he uses slightly more professional language, because he's talking to his boss while i'm screaming semi-informed obscenities into the formless void of the internet kurt's like nope, anonymous dude, this is private and walks out of the arena and dean sneaks in the door just before it closes dean ambrose: back like a recurrent uti (his disappointing third album) and as we watch him come in, the revival just happen to be in the back of the shot caught it that time i pay attention sometimes but now it's kalisto/titus or actually titus knocking kaliso down and then shouting at apollo also tozawa is watching because titus wants him on the brand kalisto gets a rollup holding titus' trunks, apollo's like welp guess you asked for that one boss does some light motivational slapping, end segment but here are miz and maryse, even more dapper than usual and pan over to big cass, collapsed under a bunch of girders and shit enzo comes running in like whoa what happened way to stay together, guys cass presents enzo with a tacky chain that he presumably took off his attacker, enzo hugs his bro as we cut to ads and we come back on enzo being like okay well this is clearly a frame job and btw we have a match so can cass wrestle or what the answer is no but now we're back in the ring, with carpet and champagne and balloons and maryse and a guy in a teddy bear suit with a sign says CONGRATULATIONS who is totally not dean ambrose no sir but seriously, miz must fucking love balloons this ring is at imminent risk of lifting off and here is the man himself and a dramatic slideshow of the actually-great match complete with the nicest ref ever but yes, miz and maryse both look fucking great tonight just saying surprising number of you deserve it chants miz is immediately like fuck off you chant that for everyone just reminding us he's still a heel and all but yes, i do deserve it and here's a speech about how i'm redeeming the ic belt a toast to me "Ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass...or, if you're in this arena, a styrofoam cup..." delivered perfectly miz thanks maryse for all this stuff, mentions the bear, she's like um i thought you ordered the bear then who's flying the plane so miz attacks the bear on principle and finales him welp, that bear's dead dramatically unmasks him, revealing...some dude he's like ...um, well at least you had a brush with celebrity, get out of here *whips him out of the ring* and now here comes a big present down the ramp miz is like well isn't this nice what could this be grabs a chair, beats the shit out of the present while maryse shouts at him to stop and it's a very dead grandfather clock and a very sad maryse tells mike he ruined the party, throws the mic at him, storms off and we are left with a very dejected miz, blaming dean for all his problems and having a paranoid breakdown at the crowd and the steadicam guy who's been following miz throughout takes his headset and hat off and hits miz with dirty deeds lovely slow realisation as the camera feed went up on the tron dean swigs some champagne, takes the bottle and leaves okay, that was really well done but now, we see enzo wandering dejectedly backstage looking for a partner and now we see the family who have good seats because of pizza including the wonderfully-named Enzo Shirtz but yes gallows and anderson are in the ring and here comes enzo all on his onesie does his intro, but it's not the same without a large man gesticulating behind him does his 4G well-connected joke again get new material, dude but he's found himself a new seven-foot man it's a biiiiiig shooooooooow although it would have been amazing if it was braun big show stands in the middle of the ring like what is this tiny rodent enzo tries to give him a pep talk with some semi-coherent jokes mixed in show has progressed from 'bemused' to 'angered' this is the most awkward thing, and i could not do it justice without rubbing a buttered weasel on the keyboard and...now show is doing a joisey-accented monologue with an extended ice age reference before spelling it out for them? what the fuck is in this drink well, the match has started, so i guess the talking can stop bell rings, anderson kicks enzo's soul out of his body standard swift hot tag to show, who...does all the normal show stuff chokeslam to anderson, into badaboomshakalaka except in the form of show military pressing enzo and then just rhowing him straight at anderson well, that was a thing that happened? lasted about 90 seconds anyway next up, women's title match but here are zo and show backstage run into cass, who's like hey funny how show disappears for weeks and then he's back when you need a partner casts suspicion about show being the culprit, enzo wants to give him a ride, but cass takes him away and now let's have a terrible blaxploitation segment full of film references yup but now mike? interviews alexa in the curtain room he asks if she regrets giving nia this shot, she's like i regret this show fuck off faceless dude and back to the arena, here's nia

cut to ads, and...now a weird bit where every version of this i can find appears to have overwritten the entire women's match with the elias segment from earlier the fuck, internet apparently it was pretty much what you might have thought - nia stomped all over alexa, dana and mickie pointed and laughed, and then alexa went and started a fight with those two for a dq win i would have liked to watch that, but guess that's not happening back to the actual show just in time for a graphic for the cruiserweight title match thank fuck i didn't miss that and apparently brock will be here next week i repeat, the champion will be on the show he supposedly leads novel idea so yes, here's everyone's favourite towel-sporting middle-aged-man-strangler and also seth, who didn't try to murder a doughy guy in a suit today bell rings, joe just gets down to punching seth's face in before even taking off his towel seth goes for a suicide dive, joe roundhouse kicks him as he comes out of the ropes, because he is way more flexible than he really should be this match is 10% seth doing cool cruiserweighty shit and 90% joe's hundred flavours of NOPE seth does a sling blade into a suicide dive, and it actually works this time and into a blockbuster because why stop at one signature and as i type that, there goes another suicide dive and then into a falcon arrow, as seth goes fuck you i can do strength spots seth goes up to the top rope, wyatt cut because fuck you lights go back up, seth looks around for a bray who is very much not here, joe blindsides him and coquina clutch until death and we fade on seth bleeding, joe strutting, WOMP WOMPing, and an entirely unnecessary reminder that brock'll be here next week do you have to ruin everything, wwe (don't answer that) smackdown will probably follow tomorrow, after i've gone and been an instrument of democracy but in the meantime, let me tell you about these ants -------------------- And if you enjoyed that, we hope you'll be back next week for our seminar on Following Pheromone Trails In An Increasingly Odoriferous World. right, now that that's done, it's probably time for some FRIDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN! (i apologise in advance for any political jokes that slip through) (it's been a tough few days) and we open on a dramatic retelling of the women's five-way last week so yeah, women's mitb is probably going to be the big story this week i've had some of this show spoiled, but i honestly can't remember what, so that's sorted itself out and we're back in the present, and here come the shaney and also the five contenders are in the ring already and one of them's brought their creeper charlotte is looking ridiculously overdressed in her black sequin robe seven words in, shane gets a cheap pop in shane starts introducing them all, calls tamina "a two-time superstar" the fuck does that even mean the crowd love charlotte, but they love becky more apparently we're having a six-woman tag match later because why not have the entire division in the ring *again* drumroll as shane reveals the case it's basically the same, except silver and with some extra detailing on the logo no pink, thank fuck shane has a monologue about how dangerous the mitb match is, like he totally does with the men claims whoever has won this in the past has become champion somewhere, damien sandow is crying ellsworth calls shane out for mansplaining the mitb match, carmella gets a monologue until charlotte shouts her down leans on the genetic superiority thing, offers the other four a chance at brushing against greatness somehow a face? nattie calls her out for ripping off her father, proceeds to do the same to her uncle becky calls her on this, promises to rip off everybody's arms should be worth watching tamina gets to say words, which is novel but here comes naomi gets to do her whole entrance, because fuck this argument i'm the champ hypes the match like dang i wish i was allowed to be in this INTERRUPTING TRASH SAX lana is actually here in person (why do i like this music what is wrong with me) struts down the ramp, everyone in the ring just standing there like um fuck the what shane's like um hi? btw i was trying to do a thing, why are you in my ring shit, she's still russian and weirdly propositioning shane while also asking for a spot in the mitb match naomi just bursts out laughing like do you even go here why do you get to be in this match when you've had like none ever lana claims she can beat naomi, i smell a match for later shane's like seriously this is not how this show works lana has a tantrum in russian, flounces off up the ramp a+ flounce the crowd are loving her shane's like RIGHT back to the actual show that i run let's have this tag match Pun Murderer, FluoroTwerk and Queen Bitch vs Wrestling Mom, Thug Girl (and Douchey), and Obligatory Samoan lots of spots happened while i was working that out, but the gist is it's pretty even so far currently becky is alligator rolling carmella around the ring with her legs there's my thing i haven't seen before for the week apparently carmella taking the briefcase would be "like moving from HD televisions back to nanotubes" i'm going to go out on a limb and say jbl doesn't understand how science works interference by nattie and ellsworth lets tamina hot tag in and grind becky to pulp nattie tags in so she can walk over becky and taunt her teammates she'd be a much more effective wrestler with more wrestling naomi and carmella both hot tag in, the champ commences to cleaning house including three short-arm leg lariats to tamina because hey, if you can manage those, why not throw a bunch in nattie and tamina both come in to interfere, and here's lana to loom on the ramp and knock naomi off the apron, letting tamina superkick her for the pin stands at ringside looking smug like yes i did do that the fuck you gonna do and we go backstage, where shane runs into the andre the giant trophy mid-phone call like the fuck is this horrible public art and here's mojo to address the fact that he won that match and then nothing else fucking ever and be like should i maybe have been in the mitb match being the only person that's beaten jinder on smackdown and all shane offhandedly mentions luke harper, the crowd go wild shane's giving mojo a match against jinder to qualify for the ladder match because as ever, shane books this shit about twenty seconds in advance later we have owens/nakamura but next, styles/ziggler again and weirdly, by 'next', we don't mean 'after someone from the last segment has an encounter backstage' for once here is aj now they still don't want none although by the sound of the crowd, rochester, NY don't not want none dolph enters, recap video of dolph going over aj last week which i had totally forgotten looking more closely at the men's briefcase, the logo detailing's the same so yeah, it's just the colour that's different bell rings, we start going old-school mat wrestling turns out dolph has amateur technical skills that aren't just assaults to the crotch and also, he can dropkick you in the face dolph goes for the most blatant dirty pin, gets caught just before 3 and then a famouser actually connects for a nearfall i tend to rag on them repeating matches, but hey, this is a good match slow superplex setup actually resolves in an interesting way dolph counters a phenomenal forearm into another dirty pin attempt, aj reverses into a styles clash with like no setup, gets the pin because we're actually respecting finishers for the moment and from that to more fashion files noir tyler has a gritty monologue about the connections between prison and the catwalk and narrates himself looking at their clue board fandango returns from taking the cologne to the boys in the lab, only to find out that there's no boys and no lab, so he just tasted it himself as you do

and then this leads into the two of them repeatedly saying a mixture of 'cologne', 'colón' and 'clone' at each other with an increasing sense of incredulity this is like a fucking two ronnies sketch and i love it tyler finally gets it or not nor does fandango, which obviously means they must be close tyler offers a hopeful "Colóse?" and we cut to the new day and their ice cream cart what is life but still with the noir saxophone soundtrack they've come to the fashion police office and are bemused by how they turn black and white as they enter the new day have a case for them, the police say they'll take it, except the new day can't hear them because they're still speaking in their shared noir internal monologue and i am falling apart here big e is uncomfortable with how they're just staring at him but he's got them both rompers carried in his singlet, obviously fandango is not impressed "Listen, Big E, if that's even your real initial..." line of the night right there fandango is offended because they don't take bribes pan over to tyler, who is already wearing his like hey they're fashionable screw you the new day want intel on the usos for mitb breezango hand them five file boxes pull out a hoodie, ask the new day what they know about day one and why it is h xavier is trying so hard not to corpse the fashion police take the case, sax sting, they freeze frame until the new day are like ummmmmmm we'll just go while their noir monologue starts a 'new case rocks' chant that was amazing and you have no idea how many times i had to pause it to type but back in normality...oh wait, it's mojo i still can't hear his music without my brain adding zack's parts and here's a video to tell us that cena's coming back on july 4th, because of course he fucking is i thought jinder's music was different to usual but it's the singhs doing ring announce for jinder in english and punjabi and there's the music i was expecting i really like the ramp graphics they do for his entrance and he remains jacked as fuck somewhere in america, heath slater is watching smackdown and nxt and developing an inferiority complex it's just occurred to me that jinder's and aj's entrances have basically the same beat and structure somebody make me that mashup maybe this entrance is just they don't want none in punjabi that would be amazing i love how they've given jinder a properly long entrance with some gravitas and just generally how seriously they're taking him as a champion mojo is getting the upper hand with the power of HYPE (always upper case) every time jinder rolls out of the ring, the singhs are like omg boss are you ok can i get you a drink and they just have long arguments in punjabi and don't even try and let the average american in on it a singh distracts mojo and lets jinder just jump on his head a bunch doesn't take, because that's never where mojo keeps his brain flurry of offence later, jinder gets an eye rake in and khalass for the pin decent match by two underrated performers jinder's veins seem to have calmed down a bit too, which is reassuring jinder has a mic, the population of rochester is not pleased oh, fuck off your usa chants promises to kill randy and crush his dreams at mitb, leans on the hometown angle again proclaims himself the antidote to randy orton, and by extension america and then does a promo in punjabi, pissing off americans because america another hype bit for owens/nakamura and a video about how cool shinsuke is and somebody painting a protrait of him this video is basically all showmanship, but that's totally appropriate he's great in the ring, but that's not why people love him but next, the new day actually fight and they keep saying it's owens/nakamura 'for the first time ever' i have gifs that disagree but now, randy is backstage renee comes in to ask what he thinks about jinder's promo apparently he's been getting calls from ric flair, harley race and his dad, telling him to let jinder talk and then fuck him up so that's what he's going to do sure, that's compelling interview work but actually now, it's the new day v the colóns they're still throwing boxes of cereal into the crowd and pouring them on fans, because fuck your health and safety it's xavier/e, because this isn't a serious match so naturally, jbl goes off on a tangent about operation overlord this is 90% the colóns taking all the new day spots you know and love xavier and e do the ab stretch/spank thing at the same time, xavier somehow gets francesca ii turbo despite having a match to wrestle in a side note, primo's gone and shaved, so now i have no clue which colón is which xavier does a huge missile dropkick on epico, double hot tag and big e proceeds to annihilate primo xavier does a casual tope con giro, primo tries for a pin from the distraction, fails because fuck you we're the new day, blind tag into midnight hour for the pin their post-match celebration is interrupted by the usos' aggressive music they're here to talk trash at the new day and do their prison thing, astonishingly and they have shitty misogynistic jokes about the new day and jimmy's paranoia monologue i do like that they're doing all this mic work, but can we maybe not be offensive to marginalised groups shot of kevin taping his wrists backstage, but here's dasha in the curtain room with sami asking how he's preparing for mitb he's been watching lots of matches, basically and he has no idea how to get a handle on shinsuke slippery bastard sami tries to do some of shinsuke's moves, it doesn't go well so he's going to be on announce for owens/nakamura for research purposes baron looms into the room, coldcocks sami then hits him with a ladder like stop thinking about shinsuke don't you love me and then pushes him into a convenient pile of ladders and says he's taking the announce spot cut to shane on the phone like i am literally watching the show what the shit was that why do i keep that enormous douchebag around man spends a lot of time in expository phone calls (says the woman narrating the entire show on the internet) but here's naomi to ask for a match with lana at mitb shane's like seriously you have no clue how busy i am right now naomi lobbies harder, puts the title on the line after saying lana doesn't deserve a title shot because she hasn't earned it? does the bald-snatching line, end segment and now main event time here's kevin good sweeping shot of the ring apron and floor, wrong steadicam guy #smackdownediting ad for talking smack, with aj, mojo, and lana and tjp telling us to watch 205 becuse he's awesome [citation needed] claims you can't stab someone in the back if they're standing in front of you tjp has clearly never heard of the concept of elbows baron's on announce great the two facts they put on shinsuke's sidebar are literally 'from kyoto' and 'former nxt superstar' fascinating but what do i care, i'm busy watching him in his studded tabard that everybody will be wearing in the future bell rings, shinsuke does his oh did you want a tieup i'm just going to kick you in the knees baron talks about his storied history of fucking sami up nobody cares, you balding twat kevin has briefly tried to take shinsuke on at the kicking game, failed, and returned to mastering headlocks shinsuke's kicked off a comeback with a lovely single leg dropkick nearfall off his knees to the corner baron acknowledges that shinsuke is dangerous, my no shit alarm is destroying my eardrums (daniel, can you please take the batteries out of that) baron's still trying to talk smack about kevin, but his particular brand of smack is just shite meanwhile, reverse exploder to kinshasa for the win a lightly underwhelming main event, tbh, but shinsuke's clearly been holding back on the in-ring stuff since moving up which makes perfect sense shinsuke does his poses, corbin runs in to end of days him so hard his stupid hat comes off crowd are not best pleased i'm mostly just concerned as to why he's dressed like the second-rate pot dealer at every college (baron, that is) (i would love it if people at my college dressed like shinsuke) and we fade on baron awkwardly posing at the top of the ramp and having no idea what do with his arms halfhearted shimmy as the show ends and now i'm off to watch talking smack and make shitty political jokes you can't stop me you're not my real dad (one of you reading this is my real dad and can stop me) (also possibly daniel's uncle, if he actually reads this) (memo to self: stop antagonising authority figures for literally no reason)