#but the social realities of these parents in their thirties being at my birthday party that is 80% college kids just feels weird

[boomerang109]

kinda upset that it would be weird to invite my nanny kid to my birthday party I think it’d be fun

[lcveaffairs]

(—) ★ spotted!!  KARTER WINDSOR on the cover of this week’s most recent tabloid! many say that the 33 year old looks like MICHAEL B JORDAN, but i don’t really see it. while  the FORMER PRINCE / REALITY TV STAR / INFLUENCER is known for being CUNNING my inside sources say that they have a tendency to be UNRELIABLE i swear, every time i think of them, i hear the song DOGTOOTH BY TYLER THE CREATOR  { he/him / cis male} - penned by IVY, 21, CISFEMALE, SHE / HER

hi luvs !!! i'm ivy :)) so happy to see you all ! please excuse my bad timing and bad impulse control , i just kept typing HAHA but can't wait to write with you !!

𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐂𝐒 :

name : karter antonio windsor age : thirty - three birthday : june 4th sign : gemini - gasp !! birthplace : london , england career : formerly , prince ! now . . . reality tv star & social media heartthrob !

𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐆𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 :

soo for those who hadn't already guessed , karter completes the windsor siblings trio ! he was formerly prince of uk until a few years ago , when their parents relinquished the royal title & moved them all to america !

but let's take a few steps back. before all this , honestly , karter had very few complaints with his royal life. he always felt like he was made for a life of luxury and attention , and he'd practically come out the womb trying to charm those around him. he enjoyed his privilege and wasn't shy in using it , often grinning at all the house staff when he'd act up and asking them not to tell his parents about whatever trouble he got into.

the more stiff , less idealized parts of royalty didn't appeal to him , however. in fact , there were probably pictures released of him falling asleep during royal ceremonies & trying to escape LMAO ! it was w relatively selfish intentions , honestly , his thought always being why put so much effort into something that matters so little to me ? i wouldn't be surprised if his parents constantly had to wrangle him growing up !!

but his redeeming quality def was his charisma as i mentioned. though most can agree he wasn't the most poised prince , he was very approachable & generally not ultra uppity ? and for that , he did best in public appearances , service projects , etc. basically he was like ... i want you to adore me but not worship me !

anyways , when he got to america the best way i can explain it is modern giselle from enchanted HA ! like ... he was so overwhelmed w all this newfound freedom , not only from moving but no longer being a royal ? and well ... he went crazy.

karter wasn't even there a week before the paparazzi had pictures of him club hopping , dancing over everyone , and being an absolute mess !! sure , there were those who he knew were only talking to him for his status , but he didn't mind. in fact ... part of him liked how his title could make people's heads turn , for better or for worse. because at least they were looking at him.

i find it entirely canon that when approached by the paparazzi regarding his chaotic life he said - " if you want the royal story , read my parent's book ! but if you want to know the karter story , just turn on tmz ! i'm sure you'll find me there. "

yeah .... guys he's one of my most chaotic muses yet HAHA !!!

but soon the appeal of mindless partying wore off , and so did the intrigue of the former prince moving to town. he wanted more attention , and didn't want it to stop with his title.

so , in 2021 , he starred in a too hot to handle-esque reality show , very steamy & scandalous vibes ?? i probably don't have to explain that he had an absolute field day but ! it also blew him up once again , w him developing a new sub-set of fans who now knew him as reality tv karter , not just former prince karter !

on the show i imagine he was the epitome of this gifset , but also always saying the most off the wall quotable things during his confessionals ? and essentially became one of those people you love to hate.

so ever since , he's been wiggling his way into the mainstream influencer / celebrity culture for his own projects ! since he's done numerous modeling gigs for big companies , had small roles on several entertainment networks , and currently is guest starring as a returning contestant for the reality show he starred in !

he wanted to give acting a try but is lowkey terrified no one would take him seriously & they'd only gonna cast him for comedic relief roles. not because he wouldn't like it but like ... he would hate to feel like that's all he can do ??

fitness has always been incredibly important to him , though , and when he moved to america he had a desire to do something of true meaning that would allow him to generate his own income. his big project right now though is trying to open an exclusive gym in hollywood , where celebrities can work out amongst each other without the prying eyes of the public ! it's still in the works , but he's looking for help to get him started up !

so most of his own income has come from public appearances & sponsorships , and since most of that is getting saved up for the gym he's living relatively below his means.

his relationship w his parents has also grown incredibly complicated now , as he hasn't exactly been the model son of the year , and at the age of 33 is still making a life of clubbing and chaos. but more than that , he's been more distant from his parent's lately , as he feels close association always is going to group him as a royal and not as his own person ? so he's been more distant than usual , and he feels guilty as hell , but hasn't done much about it , either.

𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐀 :

I SWEAR i try so hard to keep these short and they never are ... here's to making sure i keep this personality section reeeal concise !

ok so i think i got most the obvious things out the way via his background , but as you can tell this man is a lothario !! full of charisma , heeeavy flirt , adores attention but doesn't know how to keep a relationship to save his life.

honestly though ... smarter than he comes across ! those who first meet him might think he's a himbo , because he can come across as pretty aloof , but well-meaning ! the truth is though , he is smarter than he seems , he just doesn't like to share everything w the public , but wants them to feel like they know everything. by " dumbing down " his image to a party guy he keeps the headlines about him predictable and frequent , but keeps them away from the things that truly matter to him in life.

in the romantic sense , though , he is horrid at relationships bc he a.) he doesn't want one b.) he can't tell he can come across as such an asshole sometimes by being so blunt ?? he doesn't want a relationship , and since he can be self-centered , doesn't understand that other people may ? he also sees himself as a walking red flag after all the news about him so doesn't expect those to approach him to be in the market for something seriously anyways.

part of him hates this , though , because he feels like he can't be taken seriously. numerous brands he's tried working with clown him bc of his background , and he struggles to make true friends in america bc he feels like they're all either clout chasers or just see him as someone to party with !!

that being said , he can come across as emotionally guarded bc he doesn't know who he can trust. but when he trusts you ?? ugh this man is fiercely loyal ! almost to a fault. bc on that token , he can be incredibly protective and will go to war for those he loves.

when you truly get to know him below his exterior , i would say he radiates golden retriever energy. very clingy & affectionate , dotes heavily on those he loves , as well as constantly poking fun of his loved ones in healthy doses.

when they first moved to the us , he had intended to adopt a german shepard who would accompany him on his runs , only to realize he'd said the wrong name when he asked them about the dog rescue. well out came this little yorkie and well .... he felt too bad to complain , and now he has a 8 pound dog named zoe who he accidentally fell in love with and yes she still accompanies him on his runs !!

sidenote i need to remind myself ivy u literally won't have anything else to write w people if you keep typing !! so i'm gonna stop myself here because otherwise i won't shut up !! pls i would love to plot w u all and i'm so excited to be with you MWAH !

𝐖𝐂𝐒 :

costars !! i'm keeping the premise relatively vague on purpose , but at some point in 2021 karter starred in a show similar to too hot to handle !! so i would love it if some of his costars were still around , esp if they had drama on the show ? or alternatively , someone who the show did evil editing on to make it seem like they had a rivalry when they were actually cool w each other !

roomies question mark ?? if this doesn't happen i'll probably have it be canon he lives on his own ! but tbh i could see karter being in the chaos spawn that is a content house ! probably 25+ leaning since idk i don't think he needs to be living up w people too much younger than him efjjefoijeoi ! but i think it could be so fun to have a hype house vibe except like ... they're all a little older and so it gives it a bit of a different vibe !

exes !! you'll soon see i love a messy plot so any sort of ex would be great. bitter , still a little in love , a relationship that never really became a thing , high school sweethearts ( if somehow they were in the uk lol ! )

current fwbs , messy or not ! he has both drama-filled and more tame situationships , so this could go anyway !

the one that got away ? i feel like there's max oooone person who karter truly thought he could love at some point or another. but maybe sh*t happened and they didn't make it out together. would totally love a more angst leaning plot where there could potentially still be lingering feelings but not necessarily !!

if there's any other muses from the uk , i'd also love to see childhood-oriented / long-term connections ! he's also probably much closer to them than most others in hollywood which would give a different side of him for sure !

enemies / frenemies !! i definitely think there's people who don't like karter and i would love to see some muses he has a more tense relationship w !! honestly he's drawn to people who don't like him bc he's ultra-competitive and it makes him want them to like him that much more. but on the other hand , maybe also someone he has a mutual nemesis-sort of relationship w , and who's twitter feuds are constantly making celeb gossip news ?

former tour guide also !! i assume karter's probably been to america at some point before moving , but regardless it was definitely a culture shock not only moving but to no longer be treated as royalty ?? so i think it'd be super fun to have someone who showed him the ropes around ( maybe even hollywood specifically for those who were born into the life ) , and grow close in the process ! we could also do flashback threads for this of their adventures if u would like !

any and everything else. <3 if i can think of anything better , i'll add it , but truly i love nearly everything & totally like just talking it out as well !! never feel afraid to hit me up bc if you don't have an idea , we can plot it out 'till we do !! <3

[scintfms]

           hi  kids  !  wow  ,  we’re  already  at  opening  and  that’s  so  crazy  !  i’m  kofi  ,  your  co - admin  ,  and  i’m  so  excited  that  you  guys  are  here  !  i’m  23  ,  from  the  est  tz  ,  prefer  she / they  pronouns  and  i  graduate  from  college  in  a  little  more  than  seven  months  ...  yikes  .  that  being  said  ,  i’m  ready  to  introduce  you  guys  to  my  latest  muse  ,  who  may  have  huge  development  changes  as  we  go  on  because  of  him  being  brand  new  ,  mr  .  saint  moon  !  he’s  um  ...  something  of  a  mess  and  idk  if  i  love  or  hate  him  yet  ,  but  i’m  happy  to  plot  with  ya’ll  on  my  d.iscord  @  𝐡𝐲𝐮𝐧𝐣𝐢𝐧 𝐬𝐮𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐜𝐲.#4090  !

            (  lee  juyeon ,  22  ,  cis  male  ,  he / him  )  *  fun  fact  about  me  ?  okay  ,  let’s  see  .  .  .   an  injury  stopped  my  promising  olympic  career  .  crazy  ,  right  ?  i’m  saint  moon  ,  i  live  in  the  contemporary  new  build  with  a  three  thousand  square  foot  outdoor  patio  on  ocean  lane  in  key  biscayne  , &  not  to  brag  ,  but  my  family’s  worth  around  $740  million  .  pretty  decent  for  real  estate  and  construction  developers  ,  huh  ?  we’ve  been  around  for  some  time  ,  but  in  town  ,  everyone’s  always  associated  me  with  the  gatsbys  ;  but  it’s  not  like  that’s  my  whole  identity  ,  or  anything  .  while  filming  for  key  biscayne  ,  it  was  surprising  when  i’d  get  dragged  on  twitter  for  being  “  errant  ,  impetuous  ,  &  rancorous  ,   ”  but  the  cameras  don’t  see  everything  ,  &  my  real  fans  know  that  i’m  nothing  but  coolheaded  ,  venturesome  ,  &  enamoring  .  i’m  not  too  bothered  by  it  though  ,  because  since  the  series  ended  ,  i’ve  opened  a  highly  successful  café  in  south  korea  and  planning  to  expand  to  the  states  .  follow  me  on  instagram  @SNT.MN  to  keep  up  . 

name  :  saint  moon  .

nickname(s)  :  none  .

age  +  date  of  birth  :  22  +  july  19th  ,  1998  .

astrological  sign  :  cancer  .

myers - briggs  personality  type  :  infj  .

enneagram  type  :  the  individualist  .

moral  alignment  :  chaotic  neutral  .

gender  +  pronouns  :  cis  man  +  he / him / his  .

place  of  birth  :  gangnam  ,  south  korea  .

place  of  residence  :  key  biscayne  ,  florida  .

sexual  orientation  :  bisexual  .

romantic  orientation  :  biromantic  .

occupation  :  former  reality  star  /  instagram  influencer  /  café  owner  .

nationality  :  korean  .

ethnicity  :  korean  .

language(s)  spoken  :  korean  ,  english  ,  japanese  ,  and  learning  mandarin  .

social  media  handle  :  @SNT.MN

THE  BACKSTORY  .

            saint’s  story  starts  when  his  parents  ,  moon  ji - ho  and  park  soo - ah  went  on  their  first  date  .  in  truth  ,  it  had  been  a  rare  instance  of  love  at  first  sight  when  they  bumped  into  each  other  at  ji - ho’s  office  in  seoul  ,  and  the  date  was  only  used  to  solidify  their  feelings  .  you  see  ,  ji - ho  and  soo - ah  were  fairly  well  known  with  ji - ho  being  the  second  heir  to  moon  industries  alongside  his  sister  ,  moon  eun -  ha  .  moon  industries  was  founded  in  the  1940s  ,  and  is  known  primarily  for  their  real  estate  and  construction  business  .  the  company  was  founded  in  seoul  ,  and  originally  started  out  by  purchasing  and  renovating  beautiful  homes  and  condominiums  within  the  city  .  after  thirty  years  in  the  business  ,  ji - ho  and  eun - ha’s  father  was  one  of  the  first  in  south  korea  to  reach  the  status  of  billionaire  .

            ji - ho  and  soo -ah  were  looking  to  forge  their  own  path  ,  though  .  although  they  were  lucky  enough  to  have  wealthy  parents  ,  both  of  them  have  always  liked  the  idea  of  working  for  themselves  and  getting  their  hands  dirty  .  so  ,  they  refused  ji - ho’s  father’s  investment  and  decided  to  start  their  own  real  estate  firm  .  they  went  through  the  process  of  obtaining  their  real  estate  license  in  both  south  korea  and  the  united  states  ,  specifically in  florida  .  after  studying  hard  ,  they  were  able  to  open  moon  real  estate  ,  and  it  was  a  hassle  for  them  .  they  initially  ‘ struggled ’  seeing  as  though  they  were  their  only  employees  ,  and  soon  ,  soo - ah  discovered  that  she  was  pregnant  with  their  son  .

            for  four  years  ,  they  worked  hard  with  their  bumbling  baby  boy  ,  saint  ,  crawling  at  their  feet  and  curiously  looking  at  home  or  building  buyers  .  for  a  long  time  ,  they  considered  saint  to  be  their  closer  as  he  was  the  selling  point  and  allowed  people  to  hold  him  while  looking  at  the  home  .  usually  ,  soo - ah  would  use  saint  as  a  marketing  ploy  whenever  they  were  trying  to  sell  to  young  couples  ,  and  it  always  worked  .  the  moons  became  known  for  saint  syndrome  ,  where  those  same  young  couples  would  typically  call  to  say  that  they  were  expecting  within  a  year  of  buying  their  home  .  it  only  took  a  few  years  ,  but  the  moons  were  soon  raking  in  their  own  money  without  the  help  of  ji - ho’s  father  .  

            when  saint  was  six  ,  his  family  relocated  to  key  biscayne  ,  florida  .  life  was  easy  living  on  the  water  ,  and  his  parents  continued  to  sell  gorgeous  homes  both  in  seoul  and  in  the  wealthy  neighborhoods  of  florida  .  with  such  a  lifestyle  ,  it  wasn’t  unheard  of  for  saint  to  excel  at  his  private  school  ,  where  he  was  known  for  his  academic  prowess  as  well  as  his  ability  to  play  both  the  piano  and  the  cello  .  saint  was  a  fairly  popular  student  while  growing  up  ,  and  it  showed  when  the  moons  would  host  their  annual  christmas  party  .

            he  was  fourteen  when  he  finally  started  to  understand  the  rivalry  between  thoroughbreds  and  gatsbys  .  originally  ,  he  put  off  like  he  didn’t  care  ,  but  in  reality  he  was  trying  to  figure  it  out  .  the  moons  were  a  special  case  ,  considering  that  ji - ho  was  clearly  an  heir  to  a  billion  dollar  fortune  ,  but  also  had  become  wealthy  in  his  own  right  thanks  to  his  business  with  his  wife  .  saint  never  understood  that  jabs  and  jeers  that  he  would  receive  from  thoroughbreds  ,  because  to  him  ,  they  were  all  rich  so  what  the  hell  did  it  matter  ?  he  eventually  began  to  side  more  with  the  gatsbys  ,  never  understanding  why  the  thoroughbreds  felt  as  though  they  needed  to  stick  their  noses  up  in  the  air  at  them  .

            within  two  years  ,  though  ,  saint  seems  to  have  changed  for  the  worse  .  while  his  grades  may  be  good  ,  he  begins  to  spend  more  time  with  new�� friends  in  miami  .  while  there  ,  he  surrounds  himself  with  fast  cars  and  short  nights  ,  but  he  thinks  it’s  his  parents’  fault  for  buying  him  a  488  spider  for  his  sixteenth  birthday  .  saint  began  to  get  into  trouble  ,  often  pulled  over  for  speeding  and  reckless  driving  to  impress  his  friends  .  like  always  ,  a  star  is  meant  to  fall  ,  and  it  all  came  crashing  down  for  saint  when  he  thought  that  drag  racing  on  u.s.  route  1  was  a  good  idea  .  he  assumed  that  he  could  lose  the  cops  ,  but  he  was  stupid  for  ever  thinking  so  --  he  totaled  the  $1.3m  dollar  car  ,  and  after  being  treated  for  minor  injuries  ,  he  was  booked  in  the  county  jail  .

            having  rich  parents  seems  to  be  all  fun  and  games  considering  they  were  barely  able  to  get  him  out  with  a  slap  on  the  wrist  ,  but  that  very  same  night  they  sent  him  away  on  a  business  plane  to  live  with  his  no - nonsense  grandparents  .  for  the  first  year  ,  saint  pouted  and  argued  ,  screamed  and  kicked  over  being  trapped  in  seoul  .  he  tried  to  escape  the  fortress  of  a  house  in  pyeongchang  ,  attempted  to  ditch  his  security  guards  when  he  went  out  in  public  ,  but  he  eventually  realized  that  there  was  no  getting  out  of  this  .  so  ,  he  made  the  most  out  of  it  :  he  finished  school  ,  and  during  his  senior  year  with  the  help  of  his  grandparents  ,  saint  opened  goodnight  moon  ,  a  late  night  café  that  appealed  to  college  students  and  late  workers  in  need  of  a  coffee  and  pastry  pick  me  up  .  the  café  went  viral  ,  and  so  did  the  handsome  owner  .

            he  returned  home  when  he  was  twenty  ,  and  discovered  that  key  biscayne  was  filming  .  as  the  resident  who  suddenly  disappeared  ,  saint  was  sought  after  by  the  producers  and  was  introduced  mid - way  through  the  second  season  .  

THE  SHOW  .

saint  and  his  family  were  not  introduced  on  key  biscayne  until  midway  through  season  two  .  he  was  introduced  as  most  table  shakers  would  be  ,  with  a  flurry  of  local  headlines  ranging  from  KEY  BISCAYNE  TEEN  ARRESTED  FOR  DRAG  RACING  and  HOW  MONEY  GETS  YOU  OUT  OF  A  JAIL  SENTENCE  .  his  parents  didn’t  like  the  idea  of  being  on  a  reality  series  ,  so  they  weren’t  featured  although  there  were  a  few  scenes  with  them  .

he  was  the  reality  show  villain  and  you  can’t  tell  me  otherwise  !  showed  up  with  an  air  of  what  the  fUCk  ever  and  despite  the  air  around  him  since  he  was  arrested  and  shipped  back  to  south  korea  ,  he  never  let  that  stop  him  ?  like  ofc  he’s  a  rich  boy  who  got  away  with  something  bc  he’s  rich  ,  but  it’s  not  that  he  doesn’t  acknowledge  it  ,  he  just  chooses  not  to  talk  about  it  .

was  definitely  the  subject  of  show  cliffhangers  ,  probably  nearly  got  kicked  off  the  show  because  of  his  short  temperament  and  despite  all  that  would  still  be  invited  to  the  reunions  because  he  would  always  start  some  shit  .  he  was  very  vocal  about  who  he  didn’t  like  on  the  show  ,  and  probably  had  good  chemistry  with  a  cast  mate  and  fans  of  the  show  always  pushed  for  them  to  become  a  thing  (  a  wc  ...  mayhaps  👀 )  but  they  were  never  anything  more  than  friends  .

by  the  end  of  the  show  ,  saint  was  that  cast  member  that  fans  love  to  hate  .  he  was  employee  of  the  month  ,  and  that’s  on  period  !  gave  what  he  was  supposed  to  gave  and  was  highkey  problematic  (  not  in  a  bad  way  ,  but  in  a  way  where  he  was  always  the  one  in  the  middle  of  some  shit  )  and  when  people  would  question  him  about  it  ofc  he  didn’t  care  KFNDSJBFS  .

THE  PERSONALITY  .

a  little  shit  .  that’s  it  .  that’s  all  you  need  to  know  .  although  he’s  standoffish  ,  still  has  his  insecurities  because  he’s  not  the  ‘  perfect  ’  son  that  his  parents  pushed  for  him  to  be  .  very  much  so  the  black  sheep  of  the  family  ,  and  is  deemed  as  a  lost  cause  by  his  thespian  of  a  mother  ,  so  he  figures  that  he  might  as  well  live  up  to  that  name  .  comes  across  as  someone  who  genuinely  doesn’t  care  ,  and  he  doesn’t  KFDBJSFSD  .  sometimes  only  looks  out  for  himself  which  adds  more  sand  into  the  asshole  bin  ,  and  he  hates  being  asked  ‘  dumb  ’  questions  .  it’s  a  pet  peeve  that  his  mom  thinks  he  picked  up  from  his  father  .

THE  HEADCANONS  .

he  does  not  want  to  be  your  friend  KFNDSFUS  .  he  can  be  very  standoffish  just  to  get  that  point  across  ,  and  he  doesn’t  interact  with  people  outside  of  a  chosen  few  .  

can  be  wildly  off  putting  and  while  someone  else  may  be  afraid  of  confrontation  ,  he  isn’t  !  might  be  the  subject  of  bar  brawls  and  minor  scraps  because  he  genuinely  does  not  know  how  to  shut  the  hell  up  .

hates  walnuts  ;  idk  why  that’s  important  but  it  is  .  serve  him  something  with  walnuts  in  it  and  he’ll  never  talk  to  you  again  .

romantically  and  emotionally  stunted  ,  therefore  he  bides  his  time  with  casual  sex  and  noncommittal  acts  of  romance  .  can  be  found  slipping  out  of  beds  in  the  middle  of  the  night  ,  never  returns  texts  ,  and  at  times  will  pretend  that  he  doesn’t  know  who  the  other  person  is  (  ew  !  )  .

a  chaotic  boy  with  a  heart  of  gold  ,  he  just  doesn’t  show  it  and  has  mastered  the  art  of  being  fake  .  

despite  his  repulsion  of  romance  and  relationships  ,  he’ll  flirt  with  anyone  that  has  a  pair  of  legs  ,  and  he  quite  honestly  might  call  someone  daddy  just  for  the  hell  of  it  KNFDH  . 

probably  posts  those  outfit  thirst  traps  on  instagram  reels  or  tik  tok  bc  he’s  annoying  .

THE  CONNECTIONS  .

an  angsty  ex  boyf  👀 if  i  have  to  BEG  for  it  i  will  !  and  i  promise  to  make  you  cry  xD

a  best  friend  pls  !  someone  who  has  been  friends  with  him  since  before  he  was  shipped  back  to  korea  for  a  few  years  so  when  he  came  back  and  was  on  the  show  ,  they  were  THE  dynamic  duo  .

i’ve  been  really  into  his  plot  but  someone  he  works  out  with  ?  maybe  they  don’t  work  out  together  per  say  ,  but  they’re  somehow  always  at  the  community  gym  at  the  same  time  .

something  soft  ?  something  so  sweet  that  it  would  make  my  teeth  rot  ?  could  either  be  a  boyfriend  or  girlfriend  thing  or  tbh  i  don’t  know  but  i’m  literally  looking  for  something  that’s  all  fluff  and  all  marshmallows  and  if  i  don’t  get  it  then  i’ll  cry  .

a  plot  where  they  full  on  hate  each  other  .  none  of  that  cute  shit  KNFDNFHSD  .  no  lingering  feelings  ,  no  moments  of  hate lapse  --  they  hate  each  other  and  it’s  a  spicy  hate  ship  that  literally  gets  your  blood  pumping  .  

SKINNY  LOVE  ARE  YOU  THERE  ?

his  hoodrat  friends  NFDJNHFBD  i’m  kidding  but  i’m  thinking  like ...  a  billionaire  boys  club  type  of  thing  ?  perhaps  the  five  of  them  get  together  and  ppl  try  to  penetrate  the  group  or  they  have  these  instances   where  ppl  straight  up  hate  them  for  no  reason  ?  they  were  probably  the  TALK  of  the  show  bc  thought  they  were  assholes  KNFDJBFBD  idk  either  way  ,  my  hand  is  out  .  (  1  of  4  spots  filled  )

a  one  night  stand  with  some  substance  ?  like  yeah  ,  they  fuck  around  and  they  have  their  fun  together  but  they  don’t  pretend  to  not  know  each  other  in  public  (  unless  this  person  is  a  thoroughbred  and  i  oop  ,  chile  )  so  they  probs  tend  to  be  a  little  like  confidants  at  times  but  also  have  a  tendency  of  shutting  each  other  up  with  sex  .

[kindledspiritsbooks]

My Month in Books: November 2019

Ninth House - Leigh Bardugo

Galaxy “Alex” Stern is the most unlikely member of Yale’s freshman class. Raised in the Los Angeles hinterlands by a hippie mom, Alex dropped out of school early and into a world of shady drug dealer boyfriends, dead-end jobs, and much, much worse. By age twenty, in fact, she is the sole survivor of a horrific, unsolved multiple homicide. Some might say she’s thrown her life away. But at her hospital bed, Alex is offered a second chance: to attend one of the world’s most elite universities on a full ride. What’s the catch, and why her? Still searching for answers to this herself, Alex arrives in New Haven tasked by her mysterious benefactors with monitoring the activities of Yale’s secret societies. These eight windowless “tombs” are well-known to be haunts of the future rich and powerful, from high-ranking politicos to Wall Street and Hollywood’s biggest players. But their occult activities are revealed to be more sinister and more extraordinary than any paranoid imagination might conceive.

The White Album - Joan Didion

First published in 1979, "The White Album "is a journalistic mosaic" "of American life in the late 1960s and throughout the 1970s. It includes, among other bizarre artifacts and personalities, reportage on the dark journeys and impulses of the Manson family, a visit to a Black Panther Party press conference, the story of John Paul Getty's museum, a meditation on the romance of water in an arid landscape, and reflections on the swirl and confusion that marked this era. With commanding sureness of mood and language, Didion exposes the realities and dreams of an age of self-discovery whose spiritual center was California.

An Echo in the Bone - Diana Gabaldon

Jamie Fraser, erstwhile Jacobite and reluctant rebel, knows three things about the American rebellion: the Americans will win, unlikely as that seems in 1778; being on the winning side is no guarantee of survival; and he’d rather die than face his illegitimate son — a young lieutenant in the British Army — across the barrel of a gun. Fraser’s time-travelling wife, Claire, also knows a couple of things: that the Americans will win, but that the ultimate price of victory is a mystery. What she does believe is that the price won’t include Jamie’s life or happiness — not if she has anything to say.

Claire’s grown daughter Brianna, and her husband, Roger, watch the unfolding of Brianna’s parents’ history — a past that may be sneaking up behind their own family.

Trick Mirror: Reflections on Self-Delusion - Jia Tolentino

Trick Mirror is an enlightening, unforgettable trip through the river of self-delusion that surges just beneath the surface of our lives. This is a book about the incentives that shape us, and about how hard it is to see ourselves clearly in a culture that revolves around the self. In each essay, Jia writes about the cultural prisms that have shaped her: the rise of the nightmare social internet; the American scammer as millennial hero; the literary heroine’s journey from brave to blank to bitter; the mandate that everything, including our bodies, should always be getting more efficient and beautiful until we die.

Three Women - Lisa Taddeo

It thrills us and torments us. It controls our thoughts and destroys our lives. It’s all we live for. Yet we almost never speak of it. And as a buried force in our lives, desire remains largely unexplored—until now. Over the past eight years, journalist Lisa Taddeo has driven across the country six times to embed herself with ordinary women from different regions and backgrounds. The result, Three Women, is the deepest nonfiction portrait of desire ever written. We begin in suburban Indiana with Lina, a homemaker and mother of two whose marriage, after a decade, has lost its passion. She passes her days cooking and cleaning for a man who refuses to kiss her on the mouth, protesting that “the sensation offends” him. To Lina’s horror, even her marriage counselor says her husband’s position is valid. Starved for affection, Lina battles daily panic attacks. When she reconnects with an old flame through social media, she embarks on an affair that quickly becomes all-consuming. In North Dakota we meet Maggie, a seventeen-year-old high school student who finds a confidant in her handsome, married English teacher. By Maggie’s account, supportive nightly texts and phone calls evolve into a clandestine physical relationship, with plans to skip school on her eighteenth birthday and make love all day; instead, he breaks up with her on the morning he turns thirty. A few years later, Maggie has no degree, no career, and no dreams to live for. When she learns that this man has been named North Dakota’s Teacher of the Year, she steps forward with her story—and is met with disbelief by former schoolmates and the jury that hears her case. The trial will turn their quiet community upside down. Finally, in an exclusive enclave of the Northeast, we meet Sloane—a gorgeous, successful, and refined restaurant owner—who is happily married to a man who likes to watch her have sex with other men and women. He picks out partners for her alone or for a threesome, and she ensures that everyone’s needs are satisfied. For years, Sloane has been asking herself where her husband’s desire ends and hers begins. One day, they invite a new man into their bed—but he brings a secret with him that will finally force Sloane to confront the uneven power dynamics that fuel their lifestyle. Based on years of immersive reporting, and told with astonishing frankness and immediacy, Three Women is a groundbreaking portrait of erotic longing in today’s America, exposing the fragility, complexity, and inequality of female desire with unprecedented depth and emotional power. It is both a feat of journalism and a triumph of storytelling, brimming with nuance and empathy, that introduces us to three unforgettable women—and one remarkable writer—whose experiences remind us that we are not alone

[merlyozknocker]

My Month in Books: November 2019

Ninth House - Leigh Bardugo

Galaxy “Alex” Stern is the most unlikely member of Yale’s freshman class. Raised in the Los Angeles hinterlands by a hippie mom, Alex dropped out of school early and into a world of shady drug dealer boyfriends, dead-end jobs, and much, much worse. By age twenty, in fact, she is the sole survivor of a horrific, unsolved multiple homicide. Some might say she’s thrown her life away. But at her hospital bed, Alex is offered a second chance: to attend one of the world’s most elite universities on a full ride. What’s the catch, and why her? Still searching for answers to this herself, Alex arrives in New Haven tasked by her mysterious benefactors with monitoring the activities of Yale’s secret societies. These eight windowless “tombs” are well-known to be haunts of the future rich and powerful, from high-ranking politicos to Wall Street and Hollywood’s biggest players. But their occult activities are revealed to be more sinister and more extraordinary than any paranoid imagination might conceive.

The White Album - Joan Didion

First published in 1979, “The White Album "is a journalistic mosaic” “of American life in the late 1960s and throughout the 1970s. It includes, among other bizarre artifacts and personalities, reportage on the dark journeys and impulses of the Manson family, a visit to a Black Panther Party press conference, the story of John Paul Getty’s museum, a meditation on the romance of water in an arid landscape, and reflections on the swirl and confusion that marked this era. With commanding sureness of mood and language, Didion exposes the realities and dreams of an age of self-discovery whose spiritual center was California.

An Echo in the Bone - Diana Gabaldon

Jamie Fraser, erstwhile Jacobite and reluctant rebel, knows three things about the American rebellion: the Americans will win, unlikely as that seems in 1778; being on the winning side is no guarantee of survival; and he’d rather die than face his illegitimate son — a young lieutenant in the British Army — across the barrel of a gun. Fraser’s time-travelling wife, Claire, also knows a couple of things: that the Americans will win, but that the ultimate price of victory is a mystery. What she does believe is that the price won’t include Jamie’s life or happiness — not if she has anything to say.

Claire’s grown daughter Brianna, and her husband, Roger, watch the unfolding of Brianna’s parents’ history — a past that may be sneaking up behind their own family.

Trick Mirror: Reflections on Self-Delusion - Jia Tolentino

Trick Mirror is an enlightening, unforgettable trip through the river of self-delusion that surges just beneath the surface of our lives. This is a book about the incentives that shape us, and about how hard it is to see ourselves clearly in a culture that revolves around the self. In each essay, Jia writes about the cultural prisms that have shaped her: the rise of the nightmare social internet; the American scammer as millennial hero; the literary heroine’s journey from brave to blank to bitter; the mandate that everything, including our bodies, should always be getting more efficient and beautiful until we die.

Three Women - Lisa Taddeo

It thrills us and torments us. It controls our thoughts and destroys our lives. It’s all we live for. Yet we almost never speak of it. And as a buried force in our lives, desire remains largely unexplored—until now. Over the past eight years, journalist Lisa Taddeo has driven across the country six times to embed herself with ordinary women from different regions and backgrounds. The result, Three Women, is the deepest nonfiction portrait of desire ever written. We begin in suburban Indiana with Lina, a homemaker and mother of two whose marriage, after a decade, has lost its passion. She passes her days cooking and cleaning for a man who refuses to kiss her on the mouth, protesting that “the sensation offends” him. To Lina’s horror, even her marriage counselor says her husband’s position is valid. Starved for affection, Lina battles daily panic attacks. When she reconnects with an old flame through social media, she embarks on an affair that quickly becomes all-consuming. In North Dakota we meet Maggie, a seventeen-year-old high school student who finds a confidant in her handsome, married English teacher. By Maggie’s account, supportive nightly texts and phone calls evolve into a clandestine physical relationship, with plans to skip school on her eighteenth birthday and make love all day; instead, he breaks up with her on the morning he turns thirty. A few years later, Maggie has no degree, no career, and no dreams to live for. When she learns that this man has been named North Dakota’s Teacher of the Year, she steps forward with her story—and is met with disbelief by former schoolmates and the jury that hears her case. The trial will turn their quiet community upside down. Finally, in an exclusive enclave of the Northeast, we meet Sloane—a gorgeous, successful, and refined restaurant owner—who is happily married to a man who likes to watch her have sex with other men and women. He picks out partners for her alone or for a threesome, and she ensures that everyone’s needs are satisfied. For years, Sloane has been asking herself where her husband’s desire ends and hers begins. One day, they invite a new man into their bed—but he brings a secret with him that will finally force Sloane to confront the uneven power dynamics that fuel their lifestyle. Based on years of immersive reporting, and told with astonishing frankness and immediacy, Three Women is a groundbreaking portrait of erotic longing in today’s America, exposing the fragility, complexity, and inequality of female desire with unprecedented depth and emotional power. It is both a feat of journalism and a triumph of storytelling, brimming with nuance and empathy, that introduces us to three unforgettable women—and one remarkable writer—whose experiences remind us that we are not alone

[makbaes-archives]

Untouchable - Kim Namjoon (M)

member/pairing: kim namjoon x reader word count: 5,832 genre/warnings: musician x manager au, smut, angst, fluff towards the end, explicit sex.

summary: As the manager of Kim Namjoon - the troubled artist musician making waves across the charts - your job is not as easy as you first thought. It’s your job to make sure he’s doing his, and cleaning up his messes along the way. Clumsy, always spoiling his projects, and unlucky in dating, you have a lot on your plate. But that doesn’t stop you from falling for the tall, impossibly attractive dork you’re constantly taking care of.

dedicated to @knockknocksoosthere . this is a week late, but happy birthday you wonderful, amazing person. i love and miss you tons! enjoy, lovely <3

It’s 8 am and, of course, he’s late. 

Sighing, you turn off your car and get out, locking it behind you as you walk to the lobby, heels clicking in your wake. The lobby receptionist gives you a smile, one that you return, lips curving around the rim of your Starbucks cup. You should have gotten more coffee. It’s a quick trip up to his condo on the 11th floor, and as soon as the elevator doors open, you’re quick to tap in his key code and enter through the door, toeing off your heels in the entrance way.

His place is only slightly cleaner than the last time you were here, which means he’s put in a bit more effort in cleaning. You sigh, kicking aside a pile of shoes before stepping into the living room.

You can hear his snoring from here despite his door being closed. He’s still sleeping. You should have known. Putting down your coffee and bag on the kitchen bar, you make your way to his bedroom door, knocking once, then twice. After a moment of no change in his snoring, you roll your eyes and pray he’s decent before going inside.

“Namjoon!”

His room is littered with clothes, and you’ve known him long enough that you know he has a system. He knows which clothes are clean and which ones aren’t. Everything is in an organized clutter, something so different than your own habits. You find it almost endearing.

The musician stirs, then turns over in his bed, groaning. Walking to the side of his bed, you shake his shoulder, glancing at your watch.

“Namjoon. Don’t think for a second I won’t pour ice cold water all over that cute face of yours,” you tell him sweetly. His snores die down to heavy breathing, and he mumbles something. He’s waking up, slowly, and it’s entirely too slow for you.

Standing, you make your way to the kitchen, coming back a moment later with a tall glass of water, two melting ice cubes swirling the clear liquid. You stand over him, glass hovering over his head. It may be a bit much, but after years of working together, Namjoon should know better. And he knows not to take your threats lightly.

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” you say before tilting the glass and its contents over onto the sleeping man.

Namjoon sputters and yelps, sitting up quickly and shaking the cold water from his head as he blinks, disoriented. The covers fall to his waist in his abruptness, and your eyes fall to his toned torso before you avert them and set the glass down on his nightstand.

Clapping once, you beam a bright smile at him. “Good morning, sunshine! You’re late!”

Namjoon blinks up at you, then scrambles out of his bed as he realizes his mistake. You step back from the jumble of lanky limbs and sigh, trying very hard not to stare at the amount of exposed skin.

“Shit! I’m so sorry, Y/N. I was-”

“-at the studio late? Yes, I know. You have 15 minutes. I’ll be in my car. Hurry up.”

On your way out, you grab your bag and coffee, slipping your heels back on and making your way down. You raise your cup to the receptionist, who giggles quietly behind her computer screen.

The tall brunet hastily climbs into your car 16 minutes later, clad in a fresh pair of clothes, hair somehow managing to not look like a mess.

He gives you a silent look of apology as you start up the car, unable to read your face. It isn’t until you reach between the two of you and hand him a coffee up does he sigh in relief, bringing the cup to his lips, and a small smile tugs at the corner of your lips.

Thirty-five minutes later, the two of you are sat at a large table with several men and woman sitting opposite of you.

“With the success of your last tour, it’s obvious you’re quickly becoming a household name. Holding chart positions, selling out venues. You’re working your way up there, kid,” says one of the men with a smile. “We want to work with you to get your name out there even more. We think it’ll be a big hit with the viewers.”

The meeting you and Namjoon are currently sat is in regards to a possible TV show slot documenting Namjoon’s first world tour and all of the success, failures, and struggles of a “troubled artist”, as he is so often referred to as. It wasn’t intentional to market him as such, but with his difficult road leading to this point, it was obviously a clear hit with fans, thus the two of you making the decision to continue with this image.

“So, it will be a documentary-style show?” You ask, and the man nods. “No scripts?”

“Not unless we feel it necessary. But we want to capture the reality of his life, what he’s gone through to get to this point, you and his relationship.”

“What?” You nearly choke upon hearing the man’s words. “Our relationship?”

“Well, it’s clear to me that you’ve both been through a lot to get here. And in order to see all of Namjoon, we need to see the people in his life, too. His family, his friends,” he gestured to you, “his manager.”

Nodding, you swallow thickly. You’re no secret to his fans. Namjoon is very vocal about who he deems special in his life, always thanking and showing his gratitude to his parents, his friends, and fellow artists, and of course, you. You, who have stood with him through everything, good and bad.

Sparing a glance beside you, Namjoon is looking at you, smiling. It’s the smile that never ceases to send butterflies fluttering in your stomach. Returning your gaze to the man before you, you nod.

“Of course. That sounds like a great idea. He’s very inclusive in his creative process. His friends and colleagues are constantly involved, so I think that’s a good idea.”

The man smiles brightly. “Great! Namjoon, do you have any ideas for this? What would you like for us to capture most?”

As Namjoon speaks - animated, at that - you watch him in earnest. He always speaks so passionately, a trait in him you’ve always admired and adored. You could listen to him for hours, and you have, actually. The two of you have had many moments, especially early on, where you would stay up late, drinking wine out of the bottle and talk about his future - his dreams.

He’s come so far from then, and you can strive for him to go farther.

You’re not sure when exactly you fell in love with your client, but you did, despite it going against all of your morals. Kim Namjoon is untouchable, to you at least, and it’s a fact you’ve come to terms with. His career and success is the priority here, not your feelings.

You lose track of time. Finally, paperwork is drafted, looked over, and signed. You and Namjoon stand, shake their hands and exit the building into the cool November air.

“Hey,” Namjoon nudges you, and you look up from your phone. He’s grinning wide, all dimples and bright teeth, and your stomach flips. The says everything, and you nod, returning the smile. Thank you, he says without words, and it’s enough to make you emotional. Clearing your throat, you return to tapping away at your phone, making notes and events and reminders. Namjoon chuckles. “Breakfast?”

The two of you sit in a booth in the back of a small diner, munching on breakfast and enjoying each other’s company. That is until Namjoon opens his mouth to speak.

“So,” he begins, and the tone of his voice is enough to pause the fork on its way to your mouth. “Mina called me last night.”

It takes extreme strength for you to not make a face at the offensive name. Setting your fork down, you take a sip of your coffee. Hoping to mask your obvious annoyance and underlying jealousy, you ask him, “Is that why you were up late at your studio?”

Namjoon sees through you, though. He always has. He bows his head and hums a ‘yes’ before shoveling more food in his mouth, not wanting to be able to answer any of your pressing questions he knows are coming.

Sighing, you dab at your mouth with your napkin and set it down on the table, sitting back with arms crossed. You don’t even want to look at him, so your gaze is directed at the busy waitresses behind the counter as they work through the morning rush. You feel Namjoon’s eyes on you, and you know he knows you’re disappointed in him.

Mina, his last ex and the main subject of his highly successful last album, was the absolute worst human being ever. And Namjoon knows you despise her.

Not only did she cause him so much pain and heartache, but you were busy cleaning up the mess she left behind for months after, doing all you could to make sure interviewers, tabloids, social media sites weren’t slandering Namjoon’s name because of the messy and very public breakup and awful rumors Mina started. You still remember it like it was yesterday. How could you forget?

Namjoon had been invited to a release party for another artist under his label, an artist who happened to have a past with Mina. As far as parties go, this one got messy and fast. Too many drinks later, a drunk Mina flirting and nearly fucking the artist on the dance floor, and a drunk Namjoon, everything came to a tipping point. After a screaming match in front of everyone in attendance, Namjoon was dragged out, you rushing out with him.

The look of hurt and betrayal in his eyes that night is still so fresh in your mind. You slept on his couch that night after putting him to bed, worried that he’d try something stupid in his drunk anger.

You hear Namjoon sighing in front of you, the sound of his silverware clinking against the plate.

“Y/N. Please, just hear me out.”

It takes several more tries of your name before you turn your eyes on him, lifting a brow.

Namjoon sighs. “She apologized- Don’t roll your eyes, Y/N. Just listen.” He sighs again, running a hand through his hair. “She said she was sorry for everything. That she shouldn’t have done what she did that night, and that being drunk doesn’t excuse it. And all the shit she said afterword, she was just scared of looking like the bad one. She was new to the industry, and she didn’t want this to be a scandal that ruined her. I know firsthand how hard it is to make it here, and she’s worked hard for it, so I- I kind of understand where she’s coming from.”

You scoff, unable to believe what you’re hearing. “So what you’re telling me is she called you last night crying, saying she’s sorry, telling you what you want to hear, and asking you for a second chance, yeah?”

Namjoon’s silence tells you everything, and you nod. You rifle through your wallet for a couple of bills and set them on the table before standing and walking out. Namjoon, in shock, watches you for a moment before scrambling after you. You hear the dig of the door, already halfway down the block, but his long legs catch up with you quickly.

His hand is gentle on your shoulder, and you turn abruptly, facing and looking up at him.

“There’s something you seem to forget, Namjoon,” you tell him, and his brow comes together in confusion, so you elaborate. “I was new to this industry, too. I was fresh out of college, having only interned and worked as assistants to managers. I was struggling with figuring out what to do, how to succeed when I found you.” You pause and swallow, remembering the first day you saw him. “I saw so much in you. You were doing anything to get your name out there, playing anywhere you could. You had so much determination, so much potential. I saw your talent and thought ‘He’s going to make it big one day.’ And I took a chance on you. And you-”

Your voice catches in your throat, thick with emotion. This isn’t where you want this conversation to go.

“And you took a chance on me. And look where we are. We’ve worked hard for this, and that… She nearly ruined all of it with a few nasty rumors. Rumors that I spent months dispelling. Months, Namjoon, making sure that what she did, what she said, didn’t ruin everything you’ve worked so hard, so tirelessly for. And yet, here you are, wanting to forgive her?”

The man in front of you looks down at you with wide eyes. It’s clear he wasn’t expecting this from you. You sigh, looking down, unable to meet his eyes any longer for fear you’ll do something stupid, like cry, or worse, confess.

“Namjoon, I care about you, and I want the best for you. And she… she isn’t that.”

There’s a sudden warmth surrounding you unexpectedly, and you recognize it as Namjoon as he hugs you tightly to his chest. Closing your eyes, you will away tears that threaten to fall and savor the feeling of his arms around you. When he pulls away, he makes sure you’re looking at him.

“I care about you, too, and I don’t want you to think that I don’t appreciate everything you do for me for a second. You’ve been here for me through it all, and I don’t think I’ll ever find a way to truly show you how grateful I am for having you in my life.” He pauses, smiles. “But… I need you to trust me. I want to feel this out. See where it goes. I’m not going in blind this time. We’re going to take things slow, and the second I think it’s going south, I’m out. I promise. I don’t want to cause you that kind of grief again.”

You almost laugh, but only just refrain yourself. If only he realizes how much grief it’s causing you already.

“Okay,” you surrender. If you know anything about Namjoon, it’s that he’s passionate, and if he cares enough, there’s no stopping him. “I trust you.”

Namjoon lights up and hugs you again quickly. You force a smile that doesn’t reach your eyes, and the two of you begin to make your way back to your car. When you’re both buckled in and headed to the studio, you speak up again, eyes locked onto the road ahead of you.

“Just promise me you’ll be careful.”

“I promise.”

Namjoon manages to keep that promise. You see it in the way he doesn’t jump right back into a relationship with Mina. It’s slow and thought-out but still headed in that direction. She begins hanging out in the studio with him every now and then, and they even plan on having her feature in one of his new tracks.

There are several times when you catch them in his studio, him pressed between her legs, his lips on her neck, her hands in his hair. The second you enter, they break apart, embarrassed and shy, but you see the victory in her eyes when she apologizes to you.

With his tour quickly approaching, you’re suddenly worried that she’ll be joining, and that’s not something you think you can handle. It’s enough that you have to see them together at the studio and on social media, in gushy, filter-heavy Instagram pictures with gross, cutesy captions. To be fair to Namjoon, that part is all her.

Despite the dull ache you’ve grown accustomed to living with, you’re proud of Namjoon and the care with which he’s handling this. And as long as there isn’t another meltdown of a breakup, you guess it’s something you can live with. You have managed for years, what’s any longer.

Except, you definitely can’t. You realize this the night of his tour kick-off party.

The label hosts the party at one of the hottest clubs in town, and everyone under the label is there, as well as a slew of other well-known artists, models, actors, and, of course, Namjoon’s closest friends. Mina and Namjoon stay close all night, and you assume the worst: she’s coming along for the tour. This drives your need to drink as much wine as you can get your hands on tonight.

And it’s going pretty well. Four glasses in, you’re feeling great. You’re successfully avoiding Namjoon, instead spending your time with one of the newer solo artists under the label, Kim Taehyung, otherwise known as V. He and Namjoon are friends, and you’re happy to hear that he’s joining the tour with Namjoon. At least you’ll have someone to distract you from having to see Mina and Namjoon together for the next month.

And boy, is he distracting.

Impossibly gorgeous, and Taehyung knows it. He’s such a flirt, and it doesn’t help that he’s so easy to talk to. You sit on the couch of one of the VIP booths, leaning in close to Taehyung as you both talk about various subjects. You laugh hard at something he says, head falling back, and when you open your eyes, you catch Namjoon staring at you. He turns away quickly, and before you have time to dwell on it, you feel Taehyung’s hand on your knee.

He says something you don’t register, only realizing the next morning he was asking if you were okay. You nod despite yourself and lean in, catching his lips with yours. He seems surprised but returns the kiss regardless. He’s a fantastic kisser, you think, in your drunken state of mind. You seem to lose yourself in it, forgetting you were in a room full of people.

Until you hear your name being called.

“Y/N.”

You pull away reluctantly, turning to find Namjoon standing there, not exactly looking happy with you. He and Taehyung exchange a look, and Namjoon leans forward to take your hand and help you up.

“Let’s get you home.”

Narrowing your eyes, you pull your hand away from him. “I was kind of in the middle of something if you hadn’t noticed.”

“Oh, I noticed. Come on. It’s time to go home.” He holds out his hand this time, and you refuse to take it, crossing your arms instead.

“I’ll go home when I want to, Namjoon. Go have your fun with Mina. I’m fine here.”

Taehyung stands and clears his throat, barely audible above the loud booming music around you. “I actually should go mingle. But I’ll, uh, see you guys in a few days?”

Namjoon nods, but he keeps his eyes on you. You pout as Taehyung smiles at you and bids you a good night. When he’s out of earshot, you turn back to Namjoon, glaring up at him.

“What the fuck was that?”

“What do you mean? You were all over him, and you barely know him!” Namjoon counters, and you scoff.

“Well, I was getting to know him. Why are you allowed to have all the fun, while I just sit here and watch? It’s not fun. It hurts!”

Namjoon blinks, looking at you in confusion. “You’re allowed to have fun, Y/N, but I- I just want you to be careful and not go home with someone you barely know just because you’re drunk.”

“Well, this just in, Namjoon, you don’t get to tell me to be careful. That’s my job. And how is that going, by the way? Where’s Mina? Hope she’s not off fucking another ex.”

You say it without thinking, and Namjoon winces at the jab. You want to apologize, but the anger is too much. You want him to know how much it hurts you. You want him to realize the pain you feel - have been feeling for ages.

“It’s not fair.”

Namjoon exhales harshly. “What’s not fair?”

“You! You and her! You gave her a second chance when she broke your heart, when she hurt not only you and your career but the people around you, too. And it hurts to watch you two together and worry that she’ll just do it all over again!”

“Y/N, I get that you care, and-”

“You don’t get it, though!” You yell in frustration as you look up at him. Fueled by anger and wine, you continue. “I do care. I care so much, and seeing you together, I just… it hurts too much. I can’t do this anymore, Namjoon.”

Namjoon processes your words carefully. “What are you saying, Y/N?”

“She doesn’t know the real you, Namjoon. Not like I do. She doesn’t love you like I love you.”

Namjoon stares at you, eyes wide in surprise. It’s then you realize your mistake. It’s then you feel the room spinning around you, and you realize you need to get out of here.

“I… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Rushing away before he has a chance to say anything, you make your way towards the front, tears stinging your eyes. You run into a solid wall of muscle, and you mutter an apology, but gentle hands grab your shoulders and you look up to see a concerned Taehyung.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He asks, and it’s then the tears start to fall.

“Can you take me home?” You stutter, and Taehyung nods, wrapping an arm around you as he leads you out of the club and to his car.

You don’t bother taking your makeup or clothes off, just crawl into bed and clutch your pillow as you cry yourself to sleep. All this time you’ve been worried about Mina ruining Namjoon’s career, and this time it’s you to ruin things.

You don’t see Namjoon again until a few days later when you meet him at the airport. You’re meant to ride with him there, but you shoot him a quick text stating you have some things to do beforehand, securing more time away from him. It’s unbearably awkward the few times you’ve had to see him since the night you drunkenly professed your love to him. You avoided him the best you could around the studio, but now that the tour is starting, there’s no way you’ll be able to.

Not with a camera crew around capturing Namjoon’s journey with his crew and friends. Not with the hustle and bustle of a world tour and the close proximity you’ll have for the next few months.

Between the pain and jealousy and anger, you mostly feel guilty. You wish you had never developed that silly little crush. You wish you had never fallen in love with him. Look where it had gotten you - alone in a hotel room, sipping on a glass of wine, wallowing in self-pity and an acute awareness of how selfish you’re being as you try to mentally prepare yourself for the tour ahead of you.

Sighing, you set your glass down and get out of the soft comforter, shuffling over to slip on your shoes. Some snacks sound great right about now. Grabbing your wallet, you head down the hall to the nearest vending machine and scan the treats inside. You’re debating between Oreos and chips ahoy when a voice from behind you startles you.

“Personally, I’d go with the Oreos.”

Your heart stops when you recognize it as Namjoon. Glancing over at him, you find him looking sheepishly down at his hands. Clearing your throat, you nod and turn back to the vending machine.

“We, uh, we’ve really come a long way together, huh?” He continues just as you’re about to click in your selection. “I owe so much to you, you know. You’re a huge reason why I’m even standing where I am today.”

Biting your lip, you punch in the numbers for your desired snack. You’re unsure of his goal here. Maybe he’s trying to be the adult here and talk about things, work it out - unlike you, hiding behind lies and fake smiles and avoidance techniques.

When you don’t respond, he sighs, and whispers, “I do love you.”

The package of Oreos hits the bottom of the vending machine just as your heart drops to your stomach. Turning to face him, you blink up at him, wondering if you even heard him correctly.

“What?”

He looks so nervous, staring at you with wide eyes. His mouth opens and closes, and he flounders for a moment like he didn’t expect you to hear him.

“I… I love you, Y/N,” he repeats. “I think… somewhere in my heart I always have. It just took a bit for my head to catch up.”

Swallowing thickly, you stare up at him with cautious eyes. He can’t possibly mean it the same way you do, right?

“But Mina...” You trail off, eyes dropping, not wanting to see the emotion her name brings to his face.

“Is nothing to me but an ex.”

You can’t help but scoff. “Well, you’ve certainly been something…”

“I broke it off at the party. It just… didn’t feel right with her this time around. I was going to tell you, but then I found you with Taehyung.”

Guilt creeps up once again, and you bite your lip.

“I guess I understand how you felt when you saw me and Mina together. When I saw you and Taehyung, I just- Ugh. And the way he shamelessly flirts with you now, it’s-”

“Are you jealous?” Asking with a grin, you watch his face flush a dark pink.

Namjoon laughs and nods, taking a step closer to you. You both stand in comfortable silence as he reaches out and takes your hand. Looking up, you find him staring down at you, cheeks still flushed, but it’s not the embarrassment in his eyes.

“Y/N…” His voice is low, and he reaches up to swipe his thumb across your bottom lip. Your eyelids flutter slightly, and you lean into his touch. The hand entwined with yours pulls you closer until you’re pressed against his body, able to feel the lean muscle beneath his thin cotton shirt.

“Do you mean it?” You ask him, your free hand skirting up his chest to lightly graze your nails at the base of his neck. You feel him shiver beneath the touch, and exhales sharply, nodding.

“I do.” He tells you, forehead pressing against yours. “I love you, Y/N.”

Smiling, you lift onto your toes to press your lips against his. He sighs into the kiss, stepping back and pinning your back to the vending machine, lips eager to return it. You kiss him like there’s no tomorrow - like you’ve waited an eternity to do this. In a way, you have. In return, Namjoon kisses you slowly, deeply, setting the pace, and you whine a bit when he gently nibbles on your lower lip. Both hands make it to your waist, fingers teasing the skin between your shirt and pajama bottoms.

When you pull away, panting slightly, you’re momentarily lost in his eyes until the fact that you’re both standing in the vending machine room dawns on you.

“Um... We should probably not do this here,” you suggest, laughing nervously.

Namjoon looks around and chuckles, pulling away from you and running a hand through his hair. “Yeah, I guess you know best.”

Biting your lip, you nod but make no move to leave him. “Maybe… we should go to my room?”

With a lopsided grin, Namjoon nods and laces his fingers with yours. “Like I said, you know best.”

It isn’t long before you’re back in your room. Namjoon pins you to the door just as it shuts, and this time, his kiss is more hurried - urgent. His hands slide down your waist to cup your bottom, and you sigh into the kiss, allowing him to pick you up. He carries you to your bed, kneeling on the soft mattress and laying you down gently. His lips move to your neck, sucking and biting, and you arch into him as he makes his descent lower.

Fingertips playing with the hem of your shirt, he slowly lifts it, placing wet, open-mouthed kisses against the newly revealed skin. It’s hot under his lips, and, feeling impatient, you wriggle out of the material and toss it aside, allowing Namjoon to marvel at your bare chest. You want to feel self-conscious under his intense gaze, but he doesn’t allow it for a second, leaning down to take a hardened nipple into his mouth. Moaning, your hands claw at his own shirt, and he pulls away to tear it off, returning to your chest to give the other one the same attention.

Everything is too much and not enough at the same time. You’ve been selfish, wanting him from afar, and you continue to be selfish, wanting everything he has to give you. And he’s so willing to do just that.

Namjoon leaves a hot trail down your stomach, looking up when he reaches the hem of your pajama pants. He locks onto your eyes, dark with desire, and slowly pulls both these and your panties down legs, tossing them away. His eyes take in every inch of you, hands gliding down your smooth legs, avoiding the place you want him most. He lifts one of your legs and kisses your ankle, then up your calf. He nips at your inner thigh, closing in on your heat and then bypassing it to give your other leg the same treatment.

You can’t help but huff impatiently, and Namjoon chuckles at this.

“I’m sorry,” he grins. “I know you’ve waited so long for this.” At this, his grin fades, and he leans over you, pressing his body to yours as he kisses you deeply, tongue opening you up and devouring you. You lift your hips, grinding them into his pelvis, feeling him hard against your core.

“Namjoon, please…” You whimper, hand wandering down to cup his hard cock through his pants.

He groans and ruts into you, and you pull away to make work of ridding him of the offensive material. When these are kicked away, you palm him through his boxers, teasing him with a slight smirk.

“Now who’s teasing?” He groans when you pull away and slide off the bed, watching you walk over to your suitcase. He bites his lip when you bend over and dig through it, his hand moving to stroke himself through the soft cotton.

When you return to him, crawling on your knees towards him onto the bed, he pulls you onto his lap. He’s flush against your clit like this, and you grind down on him, watching the way his eyes close.

“Fuck, you’re so wet already,” he mumbles, hands gripping your hips tightly, guiding you along his cock, your juices soaking through his boxers.

Namjoon was right. You’ve waited too long for this - for him. You want him, all of him. His heart, his body, his soul. Lifting up, he helps you take his boxers off, and you rip open the condom packet you retrieved from your luggage and roll it over him.

Positioning him at your entrance, you kiss him once, twice before sinking down, letting his cock fill you up. No one has ever felt more perfect than this, you think as he bottoms out, and he groans into your ear, holding you close.

“How are you so tight? God,” he struggles not to move, not until you do, and you lift your hips slowly, letting your body get used to the intrusion before dropping back down.

He lets you set the pace, only guiding you with his hands tight on your hips. You’re bound to have bruises, but the thought only excites you more as you bounce on his cock. Digging your nails into his shoulders to anchor yourself, you hear Namjoon hiss, watch him bite his lip and look at you with dark eyes. You drag your nails down his chest, leaving pink trails in their wake. Namjoon grunts, fucking up into your cunt hard, and you choke out a loud moan.

The sight of his cock sliding in and out of your pussy makes him moan, the sound low in his chest, and you lean back, bracing one arm on the bed. His hands find your breasts, fingertips pinching your nipples as he watches you lift and sink down onto him over and over. He drops one hand to your joined bodies, pressing his thumb against your clit in small circles, and your breath hitches.

It wouldn’t be long now, and you can tell he’s close, too.

“Don’t. Stop,” You breathe out, legs trembling beneath you.

Namjoon can tell you’re losing steam, so he lifts you up and presses you into the bed on your back, pounding into hot pussy as he chases his and your highs. At this new angle, you arch up, crying out his name. He returns to your clit, and it’s suddenly too much.

“Fuck! Namjoon, I’m c-coming.” You feel yourself spiraling, your vision going white as you come hard, clenching tightly around his cock, and he groans at the feeling.

Hips snapping in quick succession, Namjoon groans, gritting out your name along with a string of obscenities, hips stuttering as he releases into the condom. He collapses forward, an arm holding him above you, sweat-slicked forehead against yours. Heavy breathing mixing together as you both try to regain composure.

After a few second, Namjoon chuckles lightly and pulls out, moving off the bed to dispose of the condom. You’re too blissed out to think about it until he returns and you feel a warm washcloth cleaning you up.

Biting your lip, you watch him take care of you, then himself. When he’s done, he climbs onto the bed next to and pulls you to his chest, staring into your heavy-lidded eyes. You try to suppress a yawn, and Namjoon smiles, pressing light kisses to your nose, cheeks, and finally, your lips.

“How are you so perfect?” You mumble, nuzzling into his neck.

Namjoon snorts. “You and I both know I’m far from it.”

“Perfectly imperfect.”

“You’re so cheesy,” he laughs, running his fingers through your hair, and you sigh, content.

“Maybe I’m just cheesy post-orgasm. Deal with it.” Eyes already closed, sleep laces through your words, and Namjoon can’t help but grin.

“Oh, I will.” Kissing your head, Namjoon pulls the covers up around you both, settling in. The room is silent beside your breathing, getting heavier with every second. Namjoon hugs you to him tightly once more, relishing the feeling of having you in his arms. “I love you.”

And although you’re barely hanging onto consciousness, you register his words clear as day, a smile forming on your lips. “I love you, too, Namjoon.”

The two of you sleep soundly, wrapped in each other’s warmth. When you wake in the morning, you roll over to find him still there, snoring softly. A smile spreads across your lips as you take in the sight. Snuggling back against him, you hope that every day can start out like this.

Author’s Note: Happy Birthday, once again, babe! <3

[suchagiantnerd]

28 Books, 1 Year

Well, 2020, amirite? Staying home with a 4-year-old and a baby really decreased my reading time, bringing me to my lowest total ever since starting this blog. Here we go!

1. Her Body and Other Parties / Carmen Maria Machado

I rarely feel stupid when reading fiction, but this collection of short stories left me feeling pretty stupid. Machado's writing is visceral and gorgeous but what she's trying to say is mostly beyond me. Overall, the collection (as evident by the title) looks at the ways existing in a woman's body is fraught. Sometimes we want to escape our bodies, often our bodies are harmed or taken advantage of against our will, sometimes our bodies fail us. But as for the more nitty-gritty takeaways, I couldn't get there. One story in particular is staying with me. In it, Machado invents new summaries of each and every episode of Law & Order: SVU, telling a tale of a living, breathing New York City that requires regular blood sacrifices and in which everyone has a doppelgänger. I liked it, but definitely didn't get it.

2. Moon of the Crusted Snow / Waubgeshig Rice

This wonderfully chilling read takes place on a remote reserve in Northern Ontario. Over the course of a few days, cell service stops, the internet goes down, and the power goes out. With no communication possible with other communities, the reserve's residents can only guess at what may be occurring down south. As autumn creeps toward winter, the snow piles up and panic sets in. Eventually, a visitor arrives via snowmobile and confirms the residents' worst fears about the state of civilization while also asking to stay on in the community. Can he be trusted? Will others follow? This was a tense page-turner looking at the importance of community, preparedness and leadership.

3. Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar / Cheryl Strayed

Dear Sugar's advice to a person who didn't know whether or not he wanted kids is what turned me onto her. The answer was perfect. For someone on the fence, there is no right answer, no wrong answer. But there was a simple beauty to the way she said this. In this advice column collection, Sugar answers questions about love, parenthood, friendship, loss, death, finances, education, hopes and dreams. She insists again and again that we open our hearts and give forgiveness a chance while still maintaining healthy boundaries. And through her answers (and anecdotes) she showers love and care on so many devastated readers who are often writing to her as a last resort.

4. Girlfriend in a Coma / Douglas Coupland

We start the action with a Breakfast Club-type group of teens at a party in 1979 Vancouver. One of them, Karen, ends the night in a coma and doesn’t wake up for 16 YEARS. Also, turns out she was pregnant, and gives birth while in the coma. Richard, her boyfriend, raises their daughter with the help of his parents and friends, and by the time Karen wakes up again, the world has gone downhill. Not long after she wakes up, everyone starts falling asleep and dying except for the original group of friends and Karen’s daughter. I liked this novel as I’m a sucker for everything dystopian, but I also had to ask WHY? Why this random group of teens out of all the world? Why did Karen have to be in a coma for so long? How does it tie into the apocalypse? I still don’t know guys. I still don’t know.

5. How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence / Michael Pollan

Back in the 1960s, research on LSD was banned thanks to a moral panic. But today, scientists and therapists are starting to study its uses again. Pollan takes a deep dive into the future of LSD, psilocybin (certain mushrooms, and if I remember correctly, a substance that a certain toad secretes?!) and DMT, taking various trips himself with the help of trained guides. His vivid descriptions of each trip were the highlight of the book, and I find myself, someone who has never tried anything other than pot, wanting to try microdosing in the future.

6. Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine / Gail Honeyman

The first of two contrarian reviews this year, I really didn’t like this book. I found Eleanor’s character and quirks completely unbelievable, and even discovered a little hole in the plot demonstrating that she can’t be as out of touch with pop culture as Honeyman claims she is (which I can’t reveal to you because it’s also a spoiler). I think my issue is that as far as I know, the author is not neurodivergent, whereas Eleanor is. I think this does a real disservice to readers, and would much prefer to read something like this by a neurodivergent author.

7. The Story of the Lost Child / Elena Ferrante

I finally finished the Neapolitan Quartet series! The fourth and final book finds Elena and Lila in their thirties and follows them until they’re in their sixties as they navigate professional successes and failures, new aspects of motherhood, relationship woes, and a fraying friendship. The dynamics of the friendship at the core of this series speak to me so deeply and captures so much about the passion, tension, tenderness, and competition that lurk within a longtime platonic relationship.

8. The Seven Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle / Stuart Turton

Dare I describe this as Downton Abbey meets Black Mirror? Aidan Bishop wakes up on the same date and in the same setting every day (Blackheath Manor on Evelyn Hardcastle’s birthday) but as a different guest or employee each time. Each night, Evelyn Hardcastle is murdered. Aidan quickly learns that his task is to find the murderer, using the different skillsets and vantage points he inherits with each subsequent body. The tension! The twists! The gorgeous setting! I loved this winding, wild novel.

9. You Were Born for This: Astrology for Radical Self-Acceptance / Chani Nicholas

If you are an astrology lover and don’t know who Chani Nicholas is, you’ve been living under a rock! Follow this woman! Her practice and guidance is so inclusive - feminist, anti-racist, anti-transphobic, body positive, and all about how to discover and lean into your gifts and talents while keeping in mind the greater good and working toward a more progressive society.

10. An Ocean of Minutes / Thea Lim

I started reading this dystopian novel about a pandemic right at the start of the pandemic! Maybe not a wise decision, but it didn’t matter, because this book is a beautiful, moving read. In the near future, young couple Polly and Frank find themselves stranded in Galveston, Texas, when a deadly virus begins sweeping across the globe. Frank gets sick, and the only way that Polly can pay for his expensive life-saving treatment is if she signs up as a bonded laborer and travels to the future (yes, time-travel exists!) The couple agree to meet up in 12 years (which will really be just a few short days for Polly). However, Polly is send an extra five years into the future, and Frank is nowhere to be found. The worry I felt! Polly’s loneliness and confusion in the future! Will they find each other again? Oh boy, this was an emotional ride!

11. Where the Crawdads Sing / Delia Owens

The second of my two contrarian reviews this year, I also really disliked this book, which everyone else and their mother seemed to adore? It was bad! The plot felt really contrived, the characters were two-dimensional, and I felt icky about the author’s two Black characters and how the protagonist, Kya, interacted with them. I don’t think Delia is informed enough about the realities of the Black experience, then and now, to responsibly write Black characters. Also, the ‘twist ending’ was a snooze fest. The one redeeming factor was the author’s palpable love of and knowledge about nature. I really did enjoy reading about the coastal habitat and sea life that the Kya loved so much. Oh, what’s this novel about, you ask? It’s a combo coming-of-age / murder mystery set in the 1950s and 60s.

12. The Skin We’re In: A Year of Black Resistance and Power / Desmond Cole

Cole is a Canadian journalist and activist shining a much needed light on racism in this country. In this book, he highlights one incidence of systemic racism in action per month during the year of 2017, focussing on police brutality, harm caused by school boards and educators, the Canada 150 celebrations, and unjust immigration policies. This book packs a punch and Cole’s writing style is really accessible. It’s a great entry point into learning about the realities of racism in Canada.

13. Emergent Strategy: Shaping Change, Changing Worlds / Adrienne Maree Brown

I absolutely loved this book, though I find it hard to pin down. At its core, it encourages us to think more deeply and holistically about nature, social justice, and community. Brown is heavily influenced by Black sci-fi / dystopian master Octavia Butler, specifically Butler’s ideas around “shaping change” while living through change. It’s full of gems of wisdom, like this quote, which is one of my favourites: “Imagination is one of the spoils of colonization, which in many ways is claiming who gets to imagine the future for a given geography.” As Brown also writes about, and which we can really see in this moment, we are currently living through the tail-end of a dying society, imagined by a small few. What could we create together if everyone’s imaginings carried equal weight?

14. From the Ashes: My Story of Being Métis, Homeless, and Finding My Way / Jesse Thistle

Thistle’s emotional and turbulent memoir begins with a loving memory of his time as a little boy at his maternal grandparents’ home. Not long after, his parents moved the family away from their Métis community and Jesse and his two brothers soon end up in the foster care system. This experience, though relatively brief, absolutely traumatized all three of them. Later, they end up living with their paternal grandparents, who love them deeply but are extremely strict, which doesn’t work for Thistle. He hits various rock bottoms, battling with addiction, trauma and homelessness at the intersection of racism. And somehow, he manages to break free of these harmful cycles, go back to school, and become an academic and best-selling author.

15. Policing Black Lives: State Violence in Canada from Slavery to the Present / Robyn Maynard

I would call this a must-read for Canadians. Maynard breaks down exactly how Canada surveils and punishes Blackness despite its claims of inclusivity and tolerance. She explores policing, yes, but also social work, education, immigration, and education and it’s impossible not to see the levers of systemic racism at work everywhere. Fair warning though, this is a more academic text and requires real concentration.

16. Jhumpa Lahiri / Unaccustomed Earth

This collection of short stories (the last being more of a novella) was gripping. I somehow fell in love with almost all of the characters. Lahiri writes people so skillfully. I felt their longing, hope, sorrow, grief, excitement. Most of the tales take place within the Indian community in Cambridge, Massachusetts, but some stories take us further afield. Lahiri picks a key relationship to focus on within each story - daughter/father, sister/brother, two roommates, childhood acquaintances - and lays them out gently under her microscope for us to see in all their intricate complexity.

17. Midnight Sun / Stephenie Meyer

Did you guys know I’m a Twihard? Having read all the Twilight novels (multiple times) way before I started this blog, this may be new information. But I’m a huge, pathetic fan and though I love Jacob, I will always be Team Edward. So OF COURSE I had to read this extremely long-awaited book, which is actually Twilight, but from Edward’s point of view rather than Bella’s. It was genuinely enjoyable, but not filled with nearly enough sexual tension for my liking. And of course, never ever read it unless you are also a Twilight fan.

18. The Sun and Her Flowers / Rupi Kaur

It’s Rupi being Rupi! I legitimately enjoy Rupi’s poetry, but I don’t love it. Some of the pieces really resonate, and others do nothing for me. But I do think she’s an important voice for young women, and specifically young women of colour. So much of her writing is about reclaiming your power, honouring the older generation of women who sacrificed so much and received nothing in return, and learning to love yourself in a society that is constantly trying to hurt you. Her poetry is always an uplifting read.

19. Conscious Creativity: Look, Connect, Create / Philippa Stanton

I’ve been following Philippa on Instagram for years as I adore her flat-lays and domestic foraging arrangements (if you follow me on IG, you may have seen my colour-themed #DomesticForaging homages to her work!) So when she published a book outlining her own creative process (and containing tons of her gorgeous photography), I had to read it. Stanton has included lots of activities meant to light your creative spark and inspire new ways of looking at things. She also writes about her experiences as a synesthete (someone who may “see” music as colours or who may “hear” shapes), which was fascinating. This is a book I’ll certainly go back to when I’m feeling uninspired. Want to follow her on IG? Her handle is @5tfinf.

20. Turkey Trot Murder / Leslie Meier

Guys, this review is the start of something BIG. Brad knows that I love to read books that are “in season” (I don’t want to read a book set in the summer during the winter, etc.). So he bought me this very niche Thanksgiving mystery novel to read in October. It’s alllll fluff, and very much in the “so bad it’s good” category. It also turns out that Leslie Meier may be one of the most prolific authors of all time, and so Brad signed me up to her “book of the month” fan club for my birthday this year, meaning I get a new, seasonally appropriate Meier classic each month. (You should also know that the “book of the month” fan club is entirely made up, and the letters from Leslie are actually written by Brad, and yes, he has designed a logo for the letterhead.)

21. Haunted House Murder / Leslie Meier and Lee Hollis and Barbara Ross

Wait, what? THREE authors? Yes, some of the Leslie Meier classics are actually novellas, so they are combined with novellas by two other authors into these seasonal collections. Also, Lee Hollis isn’t even real. Lee Hollis is in fact TWO PEOPLE, a brother/sister writing duo! So there are four authors involved in this spooky little collection. They all take place in small-town Maine, so yes, the settings are adorable and the plots are terrible.

22. Autumn / Karl Ove Knausgaard

I think I would describe this memoir (?) as a collection of magical noticings. While his wife is pregnant with their fourth baby, Knausgaard starts writing letters to the unborn child, telling them about, well, everything and anything. That project turned into this book, in which the writer observes everyday things like hands, toilets, fog, petrol, and snakes, and finds the beauty and wonder in all of them. Reading this book left me feeling very inspired and wanting to try and develop this skill in myself as I write.

23. The Feather Thief: Beauty, Obsession, and the Natural History Heist of the Century / Kirk Wallace Johnson

Back in 2009, Edwin Rist stole HUNDREDS of dead birds from the British Museum of Natural History. That fact alone is mind-boggling (how?), but it gets wilder. He didn’t steal them for nerdy science reasons, he stole them to sell to the Victorian fly-tying community. Yes, flies as in the things you attach to fish hooks. And no, not flies that will actually be used, but flies that are constructed as a hobby and art form. Wallace Johnson does a great job of conveying Rist’s obsessive passion for fly-tying and the desperation many fly-tiers feel as they try to track down increasingly rare and protected feathers from exotic (or extinct) birds. The author also has a journalist’s nose for sniffing out lies and half-truths and even tracks down Rist himself for a sit-down interview. I was riveted throughout the whole book, which lives at the intersection of history, science, mystery, and psychological deep-dive.

24. Yule Log Murder / Leslie Meier and Lee Hollis and Barbara Ross

The seasonal fluff dream team is back! And yes, a yule log features prominently in each novella. Once as a murder weapon, and once as a suspected murder weapon! These books also feature real recipes, some of which actually look pretty tasty!

25. Empire of Wild / Cherie Dimaline

This was a chilling page-turner and the second novel of Dimaline’s that I’ve read and devoured. She’s quickly become one of my favourite authors. In this story, Joan, a Métis woman living in the Georgian Bay area, is at the tail-end of the worst year of her life. Almost a year ago, her husband Victor disappeared into thin air after a rare argument between the couple, and Joan’s been searching for him ever since. One day, she wanders past a Christian revival tent in a Walmart parking lot, and the minister is the spitting image of Victor. She manages to have a brief conversation with him and it appears he has no memory of her or his prior life. Yet, in her gut, she KNOWS it’s him and resolves to return him to himself (and to her). This slow-burning horror novel weaves in the Métis myth of the Rogarou, a werewolf-ish creature who walks lonely roads looking for victims, to great effect.

26. Eggnog Murder / Leslie Meier and Lee Hollis and Barbara Ross

Another seasonal romp in which this time, the eggnog is the murder weapon in TWO of the stories! TWO PEOPLE IN TWO SEPARATE STORIES DIE FROM DRINKING NUT MILK EGGNOG AND NOT KNOWING IT WAS NUT MILK AND SUFFERING FROM A NUT ALLERGY. Anyways, I actually made one of the included recipes this time - eggnog muffins - and they were truly delicious!

27. Watch Over Me / Nina LaCour

This is a beautiful and haunting (both literally and figuratively) YA novel about the way trauma from our past follows us around, haunting our present. Mila, who’s just aged out of the foster care system, lands what seems to be a perfect job helping to teach younger children at a farm in Northern California. The farm is owned by an older couple who’ve become somewhat famous for taking in dozens of kids from the foster system over the years. Upon arrival, Mila falls in love, but soon starts to notice strange things about the way things are done on the farm, while also suffering from PTSD related to her own childhood traumas. Is there something sinister going on, or could this beautiful, isolated place become the home Mila’s always longed for?

28. Phases / h.duxbury

I started writing poetry again this summer, and quickly found lots of other poets sharing their work on Instagram. @hduxburypoetry (a fellow Ontarian, too!) quickly became one of my favourite accounts to follow, so when i learned that she self-published a poetry collection, I had to grab a copy. Her work is heavily inspired by nature and the changing seasons, which I’m a sucker for, so I really enjoyed it. Her poems also delve into grief, loneliness, love, and growth.

Well, there you have it! As for my 2020 faves, my top three reads were:

Empire of Wild

Unaccustomed Earth

Emergent Strategy

[monrok]

THIS IS OLS

I was sitting on my parents sofa in Maryland, first trip post-quarantine, when a childhood friend came by and started complaining to me about a friend of his.

“I don’t even recognize her anymore, she used to be life of the party, now she’s such a bummer. She’s obsessed with work, and she drinks a ton which makes her hostile and bitter. I’ve tried giving her advice but she makes no changes, she refuses to do anything to better herself.”

“Two questions. Is she single?”

“Yes.”

“How old is she?”

“35.″

This is not the first time I have heard this storyline. I have heard it from many friends, and I have experienced it first-hand. There is a very serious issue transpiring in society that no one is talking about: A condition called OLS

What is OLS? Old Ladies Syndrome affects women in their late twenties to mid to late thirties. It is engendered by the fear of ending up alone, which unfortunately perpetuates and exacerbates the disease. Several factors can lead to this - lack of self-awareness, bad dating history (men without bed frames seems to be a common complaint), holding a high-paying job paired with an unwillingness to "settle," or wasting endless time waiting for "the one." What essentially ends up happening is that the longer certain women find themselves single, the greater their fear that they are never going to meet someone becomes, and they start exhibiting certain behaviors. Some of the most identifiable symptoms of OLS would be extreme possessiveness over female friends, excessive drinking, loss of social awareness, a sudden interest in volunteering, marathon running, posing for photos with the babies of friends, celebrating birthdays with increased fervor, and posting childhood photos or photos of their parents frequently.

Let it be said that not all single women develop OLS, some are totally fine (especially those that don't want children), but it is happening to a significant number of women and thus should be addressed. Is there a cure? Of course, meeting someone would be the cure and it does happen to many, especially those in the early stages of OLS. But as the disease progresses, and the fear of ending up alone seems more and more like a reality, the mental state many find themselves in makes it nearly impossible to attract a potential mate. An example would be doing things like joking about "dying alone," at a party, a clear sign of hopelessness, which is generally not an attractive trait.

Those that have paired up already may feel responsible for someone with OLS, but they can become harder and harder to be around as their temperament steadily declines and eventually may get cut loose by even the most tolerant of friends. That is why it is so dangerous for these women, especially in the uncertain times we live in, where it is only becoming harder to find a cure. Will they end up in lifelong quarantine?

Some have asked me if men get OMS, maybe those that are truly undesirable, but mainly not because the key differentiating factor between men and women in this case is that men have hope, given that they don't carry the burden of the female reproductive system. The stress of the clock ticking is what sets many women into the more advanced stages of OLS.

Is there an upside to OLS? Yes, OLS does have a positive impact on several industries including pet adoption, human adoption, egg-freezing, networking events, skin care, group fitness, kale, solo-international travel, real estate, and gelato.

Self care is on the rise, touted as the key to mental stability, but no one sees the value in self analysis and improvement. Many people continue to validate the narrative that nothing is wrong with them and it’s the other person’s fault for not seeing their value. If you’re single and see yourself committing to someone long term, but can’t seem to connect, it could be time to pick apart the subject at hand. Maybe being lonely for one too many years has put a damper on your mood, changed your outlook, broken your spirit. It can, oftentimes, even without you noticing. That’s not a personal shortcoming on your end, it’s completely natural, but you might not feel it happening gradually, or discover it as you’re reapplying your makeup at a networking event for egg-freezers. (I swear, it’s a real meet-up).

It is time to confront this issue in society. The first step is to identify it. Thousands of women are being taken by this thing and they don’t even know it. I am especially passionate about this issue because as a married woman, I know I was just one man away from having it myself. I am lucky to have a witness to my life, someone to let me know when I’m being out of line. I have had to change numerous things about myself in order to sustain my relationship, and that’s GOOD. The misconception is that someone has to love you for who you are. If you are someone that leaves all the cabinet doors open and acts like a complete psychopath when woken up from a nap, good luck. You have to be constantly working on yourself, which is much easier when you have someone telling you what’s wrong with you, so yes it’s kind of a Catch 22.  However, there are all kinds of relationships. If you find yourself feeling lonely and pushed out of society a step forward would be to self-reflect, ask your friends what they feel you could change about yourself, and honestly be open. Let’s not forget the OLS Icon, Carrie Bradshaw, and the lie so many were told. She was a bad friend and a selfish, entitled, childish spendthrift that still got the guy that dicked her around for 6 seasons. It was a TV SHOW.

This has been a Public Service Announcement by MONROK.

[socialattractionuk]

The signs you’re dating someone with Peter Pan Syndrome (and how to deal with it)

Are you dating someone with Peter Pan Syndrome? (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

They say you never really know someone until you move in together. And boy, oh boy, are they right.

I knew my ex had some growing up to do, but I didn’t realise just how much until I moved into his flat.

He’d never had a job, and was re-sitting his first year at uni – for the third year in a row. His lifestyle was funded solely by his parents, apartment and bills included. Any time he needed cash, all it took was one quick phone call to his mother.

Being a self-confessed co-dependent, I saw our relationship as a bit of a project at first. I sprang into action, wanting to teach him the basics of adulting.

I spruced up the flat, cooked his meals, ironed his clothes, and even introduced shower gel, shampoo – and the absolute luxury item that is deodorant – to his daily routine. Extra points to me.

I soon felt more like his replacement mum than his girlfriend.

The ridiculousness of the whole situation started to make sense when I came across something called Peter Pan Syndrome.

I chatted to Dr Tony Ortega – clinical psychologist and author of #AreYouHereYet: How to STFU & Show Up For Yourself – to get the lowdown on this often misunderstood behavioural pattern.

What is Peter Pan Syndrome?

‘It’s a pattern of behaviour in which the person has big dreams yet does little or nothing about them, expecting everything to fall in their laps,’ Dr Ortega tells us. ‘These big dreams are firmly rooted in reality, yet the effort needed to do it is non-existent.

‘At its root, you’ll find feelings of fear and entitlement. I would go so far as to say that it’s a distant cousin of narcissism. They have a drive to succeed, but they were never taught the skills to do these things for themselves. There’s an unspoken expectation that others will be the ones to do it for them.

‘In my experience, I’ve seen younger males in their twenties and thirties having more of these traits than females and older men.’

What are the signs to look out for?

‘Look out for someone with big dreams, but little actions to back these dreams up,’ Dr Ortega explains. ‘They’ll blame other people or factors for their failures.

‘They’re usually quite selfindulgent, wanting to celebrate and party all the time.’

According to BetterHelp, these are also some tell-tale signs of Peter Pan Syndrome:

A lack of career interest

Can’t handle adult situations

Abuse of drugs and/or alcohol

Trouble with commitment

Unreliable and breaks promises

Always blames someone else

Uninterested in self-improvement

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How someone with Peter Pan Syndrome behaves in a relationship

Dr Ortega says: ‘It can be hard to navigate a relationship with them, as their pattern of thinking and feeling is well ingrained in them.

‘They’re basically takers and not givers. They may give the basics or the bare minimum. If they fear losing their partner, they might go out of their way to make an effort, but this behaviour doesn’t stick around for very long.

‘Telling them they have Peter Pan Syndrome will do nothing but create defensiveness in them, because they don’t – and probably never will – see they have a problem.

‘This is how they were raised, so what’s wrong with what they’re doing?’

What causes this behaviour?

According to Dr Ortega, a dysfunctional parent/child relationship is usually the triggering point for someone developing Peter Pan Syndrome in the future.

‘A person that comes from a well-to-do family and not having had to work for anything in their lives, expect things to just happen for them and wants to prove to a disapproving parental figure that they can be successful,’ he explains.

‘A person who was overly saturated with unrealistic expectations, hopes and dreams by a parental figure – without teaching them the skills to follow through with them – would also be prone to PPS.

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‘Helicopter parents also cause the creation of this personality style. They’ll provide so much indulgence to the child that it prevents them from developing the necessary resilience needed to basically grow up and take responsibility for their lives.

‘At an early age, the child is taught that they don’t need to fend for themselves.

‘This then moves over to the person’s life partner or social support system.’

Well that explains that, then. I’ll be sure to look out for more of a Prince Eric type in the future.

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