#but the physical disconnect was immense aside from the pain i was feeling

[the-acid-pear]

I'll actually get my gay side blog up yesterday was tooooooo. It's grand. It's grand chat.

[chronicselfcare-blog]

A Journey of Struggle, Resilience, and Isolation

Hi, I’m Naomi, and I want to share my 19-year journey with endometriosis - a condition that took far too long to diagnose and has turned my life upside down. From graduating university despite the odds to facing the physical and emotional toll of this disease, I’ve endured a rollercoaster of challenges. Unfortunately, the journey doesn’t end with a diagnosis, as I now navigate the overwhelming isolation and frustration that endometriosis brings.

For 19 long years, I grappled with unexplained pain and symptoms, only to have my concerns brushed aside by doctors. Finally, during my final year at university, a diagnostic laparoscopy provided answers, but it felt like a bittersweet victory. Despite the diagnosis, my world had already been shaped by years of uncertainty and misunderstanding.

Even in the face of debilitating pain, I summoned every ounce of strength to graduate from university with a first degree. It was a significant achievement, proving to myself that I am capable of overcoming immense challenges. However, little did I know that the path ahead would be even more arduous.

Leaving university should have been a time of excitement and possibilities, but my physical health took a dramatic downturn due to endometriosis and the side effects of the medications prescribed to manage it. Heavy opioids, beta blockers, medical menopause, and hormone replacement therapy became my constant companions, draining my energy and leaving me feeling helpless.

The road of surgeries began with oral surgery, just a week after receiving the decapeptyl injection. The surgery was necessary to remove a benign tumour that threatened to pierce my eye socket, leading to the removal of a piece of my jaw bone. The post-surgery journey now includes follow-ups every six months to ensure the tumour doesn’t return, adding another layer of anxiety to my already overwhelmed mind.

The mental toll of this journey has been immense, yet seeking support and understanding has been a constant struggle. Instead of finding the help I need, I find myself on multiple waiting lists, feeling more isolated than ever. The loneliness and frustration I experience are compounded by the lack of genuine understanding about the mental impact of living with chronic illness.

As a parent and partner, my identity has always been intertwined with my roles in the family. However, endometriosis has reshaped my life, leaving me feeling disconnected from my former self. The isolation that this disease creates is truly horrendous – I don’t have a social life, rarely leave the house, and don’t have any friends to lean on during the darkest moments.

The so-called “helpful support groups” only add to my frustration. They are often on platforms I don’t have access to and, unfortunately, filled with pseudoscience. No amount of yoga or meditation can cure my endometriosis, and it’s disheartening to see such misinformation perpetuated within these groups.

My journey with endometriosis has been one of unrelenting struggle, resilience, and isolation. From the long-awaited diagnosis to the ongoing physical and emotional challenges, I continue to fight against the grip of this relentless disease. I long for genuine support and understanding, a sense of belonging beyond the confines of my home. I hope that by sharing my story, I can raise awareness about the realities of living with endometriosis, spark conversations about mental health support, and foster greater empathy for those living with chronic illnesses. Together, we can create a world where individuals like me feel heard, supported, and empowered to live a life beyond the shadows of isolation and frustration.

[heyitsmerose]

Letting Go

Pairing: Broken!Reader x Stranger!Yunho

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt Comfort

Word Count: 12.1k

Summary: You've never felt more down. Despite having a loving family and studying at a good school you still aren't happy. You may have many objective luxuries, but you don't have anyone to talk to. The stress from all around you is getting to you and you finally break. You can't take this anymore. Deciding to finally take matters into your own hands and end this for good, you go to your favourite bridge one last time to say your goodbyes to the world. Until someone stops you that is...

Warnings/Disclaimer: In no way do I mean to romanticise mental illness. Through this oneshot, I want to show depression and other mental heath issues for what they are. I will not sugar coat anything and will show them for how exhausting and painful they are. Again, I am not writing this to romanticise mental illness, rather provide comfort and create a safe space to talk about mental health. Remember, it's never too late to get help, and I'm always here for you. It can be as small as personally messaging me how you're feeling today, I'm here to listen :) This oneshot will obviously be talking about suicide, depression, obsession and mental health in general. If these topics trigger you, this oneshot may not be for you.

Suicide

Depression

Swearing

Mentions of Sexual Abuse

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Youtube Playlist

1:05  ───|────── 2:53

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*I've spent a few weeks on this, I'm sorry if there are spelling errors, I've read the entire thing maybe 5-6 times.

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Facing the window in front of you, you sighed. You felt numb. It was raining and was around 6 pm. It was cloudy outside and the rain made the sky a few shades darker than normal. One of your windows was opened and you could smell the rain. The earth smell that made you feel all giddy inside. Excitement used to bubble inside you whenever you recognized the familiar scent of the wet earth, it indicated that it was going to rain. You loved the rain. It felt so comforting and the sound of the raindrops calmed you. At least that's how it used to feel. Now, you feel numb. Unaware of your surroundings and unfazed by a natural phenomenon that once caused you joy.

You sighed looking outside. It was frustrating. The rain that once comforted you was now frustrating. The constant pitter-patter noises bothered you and you were unable to get anything done. You slammed the window shut with all the force you could muster and plopped yourself back on your chair, redirecting your attention to what was on the desk. Ahh right, you had homework to finish. The bright screen of your laptop burned your eyes and caused them to feel sore but you couldn't care less.

You had 2 essays due tomorrow and although that didn't sound like a lot it was just the tip of the iceberg. Not only did you have 2 essays to start (and finish on the same day), you also had an oral presentation you had to give tomorrow for your music class. You didn't have your presentation ready and you were presenting to over 50 other people.

You had everything you could have possibly wanted. Your parents were not too rich but you were quite well off with a duplex in a multi-story apartment. Your dad had a stable career and was the country manager of a company giving him a good amount of power. Your mother was a social butterfly and had many connections. They sent you to a private school and let you study what you wanted. Although you didn't have any close friends in school, you had a few people you sat with.

See? You had everything you could have possibly wanted but you were still miserable. You knew this wasn't normal. For the past few months, you felt numb. There wasn't a better word to describe it. You felt apathetic and unfazed by everything. You were slowly starting to lose interest in the things you once found thrilling and fun and felt disconnected from reality. Your own parents felt like strangers and you felt like you couldn't talk to them. In actuality, your parents were loving and provided you with everything you could have possibly wanted. They took really good care of you and regularly showed affection. They were also quite understanding and were easy-going and fun. The fact that your parents are so caring makes you feel all the more guilty about telling them. You can't tell anyone.

You huffed, running your hands through your hair roughly. You gripped the roots of your hair and began to feel it again. The feeling of darkness creeping into your mind.

"what's the point of this?"

"I want this to stop"

"When will it get better?"

"Does it ever get better?"

In all honesty, you felt hopeless. You had to begin and finish 2 whole essays and prepare your presentation. Listening to music, eating anything, or even taking a break were useless, they would just distract you. You chewed the end of your pencil enough to make the end of it dent. Your teeth hurt but you continued doing so. At least the physical pain would distract you from this crazy workload. Or so you thought... You began to type on your laptop. You were writing your mid-term paper and were given the freedom to pick whatever topic you wanted as long as you felt like it expressed your emotions.

You typed the first thing that came to mind.

"I want to escape. I keep wanting for this to stop, I keep expecting everything to get better. It never does. It's an endless cycle of work and just more work. I feel like a robot and in all honesty, the lack of emotion is the only thing I'm feeling"

Your face had a stoic expression as your fingers fluttered across the keyboard. The gentle noise of keys clicking was the only thing heard for another hour or so. You didn't take any breaks and just wanted to get it done. At this point, you didn't care if it was good or even decent, you just wanted to get it done. That was very unlike you though. You were no topper, but you considered yourself quite hardworking and diligent. You were slowly falling behind though, but you couldn't care less. You just wanted to get it over with.

In the essay you wrote, you didn't get too personal, you simply wrote about your feelings and personified them. You spoke about your feelings as if they were an obstacle in your way. Despite being quite specific, you made it seem as though you were not talking about yourself. You fixed up the grammar and printed out your paper, stapling it, ready to submit it tomorrow. You looked outside and by now it was way darker. It was around 8:30 and it was time for dinner.

You went downstairs to get your plate of dinner and greeted your mom.

"Y/n, you're finally here, I almost forgot you were even living in this house" She chuckled and your dad joined in. You didn't laugh though.

"Hey, cheer up, your mom was just kidding, is everything alright?" Your dad chimed in.

In all honesty, you knew your mom didn't mean it, she was just kidding, but mocking you for the amount of workload you had didn't seem right. The question by your dad, however, completely caught you off guard. In your heart, you knew you weren't. You noticed how you started drifting off and spacing out while someone was talking to you. You noticed how you stopped feeling joy and noticed how you never had time for anything but school. Your face was glued to the ground and you nodded. You didn't want to lie, but you couldn't help it. You'd feel guilty for possibly making them feel like it was their fault.

Your parents both just sighed and your mom held your hand. She brought you to sit at the dining table and looked at you with nothing but love in her eyes.

"Y/n... We know something is bothering you. You know you can tell us anything right?" Your mom asked as she cupped your cheek. You looked back up at her and saw both of your parents looking at you worriedly.

You could feel the back of your eyelids stinging. Your throat got dry and you felt a burning in your nose. This was it. This was your chance to finally tell them how you felt. You wanted to tell them everything. From how you felt incompetent, to the constant stress and pressure. You wanted to finally break down your walls and tell them that you lacked the feelings you felt before. But you couldn't. The lump in your throat grew and you felt the corners of your eyes getting wetter. You couldn't get any words out. You badly wanted to just let it all out, but the words were stuck in your throat.

You also couldn't just break down all of a sudden or they would get really worried. You couldn't let them watch you break down. You would never forgive yourself if they ever thought the way you were feeling was because of them.

You simply sucked in a deep breath of air and looked away before they noticed anything was wrong.

"I just have a lot of work. I have more to do though, so if you could excuse me." You said, your voice wavering as you walked away from them.

"What about your dinner?" Your mom asked pointing at the counter. You just sighed and picked up a plate of food. Your hands trembled and your lip quivered from the overwhelming situation and you rushed to your room as fast as you could. As soon as you left, your mom just sighed and looked at your dad and her face showed immense concern. He brought her into his warm embrace reassured her. You would come to them when the time was right. You would eventually tell them what was bothering you. right? Although you didn't want them to feel guilty, they already did.

The second you reached your room upstairs you locked the door behind you. You tossed the food into the dustbin near your desk and put the plate aside. You felt guilty. Every day your mom would make you a full course meal only for you to throw it away without even having a bite. You couldn't help it though. You had a lot of work to do and eating was not your first priority. Besides, you already had lunch. This was not a rare occurrence. You would usually skip breakfast and dinner, directly eating lunch. Your stomach growled but you couldn't care less.

You rushed into the bathroom in your room and closed the door behind you. Your back slid down the door and your hands flew to your face. You almost blew your cover. It was quite an overwhelming situation. Your hands covered your mouth as the first sob wracked through your body. You were lucky that you were in the bathroom, in your room, on the second floor, it was practically impossible for anyone to hear you.

Your hands moved up to your hair as you gripped it tightly in between your fingers. Slowly, more cries came out. The bathroom echoed with your sobs and heavy breathing. You tried muffling your cries to no avail. You sobbed loudly while you shoved your palm against your mouth trying to stop yourself from crying but nothing worked. You tried digging your fingernails into your palm to distract yourself from all the emotional pain with physical pain but it still didn't work.

You tried breathing steadily only to break out into sobs a few seconds later. You let out gut-wrenching sobs that had been bottled up for too long now. Your throat was raw and your nose was red.

"Make it stop" You whispered to yourself. Were you being dramatic? Were you overreacting? You didn't know and you didn't care. Your sobs slowly died down but your hands were still clamped over your mouth trying to get them to stop completely.

After a few minutes, you went to wash your face. You noticed your eyes were red and your hair was not in a bun anymore but was now all over the place. You sighed and washed your face with cold water trying to remove any traces of that sudden breakdown. Besides, you just wasted around 20 minutes of your time, crying when you could have been working and finishing off your other essay.

You didn't care to change your clothes and sat back on your desk. You sighed and looked out the window again. The rain had died down and there was now just a cool breeze. A layer of mist had collected after the rain coating the trees and plants outside. Despite living in the city, your window faced a big green space. In the mornings there were usually only around 3 people at max, making it quite empty. At night it was even more serene and lonely.

You drew shapes on your windows while trying to think of a topic to write your essay about. Your second essay was supposed to be an analysis report about any experiment of your choice.

You chose to write about the expectancy-value theory.

The Expectancy Value Theory suggests that motivation for a given behavior or action is determined by two factors: (i) expectancy, ie, how probable it is that a wanted (instrumental) outcome is achieved through the behavior or action; (ii) value, ie, how much the individual values the desired outcome.

You scoffed as you read it. Lies. All you've been taught to do is the work you've been given in school. You didn't want to do it. You didn't find it interesting and you couldn't care less about failing if it was up to you. The only reason you were working was because school wanted you to. If you had the option, you would gladly stop. So no, the expectancy-value theory, in your mind was not correct, since for some people, ie. you, motivation didn't come from yourself, rather it came in the form of forced requirements from others. Others have high expectations and expect good quality work from you, but if you were given the choice, you would take care of yourself instead of focussing so much on your studies. The expectancy theory, in your mind, as false as the only thing influencing you to work was other people forcing you.

You decided that was the perfect thesis for your essay and began to write. Although the point of the essay was to discuss the findings of the experiment, you went in a different direction. You wrote your entire essay about disproving that stupid experiment. You didn't discuss the data results but instead countered them with your own data. After another hour or so of aggressive typing and writing shit about Martin Fishbein, you decided you were finally done and decided to finish off your essay. You were happy with the way it turned out, although it was certainly not what was asked of you.

You wrapped up your essay by simply restating your points and you printed that too. By this point, it was already 11 pm and although you weren't sleepy, you just wanted to get this over with and rest. Your final task for tomorrow was your music presentation. All you had to do was pick your favorite classical piece and write a bit about it.

Music was one of the only hobbies you liked. You took pride in composing and making music, however, your school had ruined it for you. The only things they made you do were to analyze pieces of music and discuss the elements of music and their implication. You never got to actually compose or make your own music so you started to dread it as a subject too.

You picked up the first piece that came to mind. Dvorak's 'Humoresque'. Wow, how original, you thought. You began to listen to the piece and understand it better. As a kid, this used to be your favorite piece. Now? It just feels bland. It doesn't feel the way it used to. You began scribbling a few quick points about the song before beginning your presentation.

After taking notes, you finally began working on your presentation. In total, it took around 4 hours to finish and it was exactly 4 am. You sighed and uploaded your presentation to a pen drive before packing up your bag for school.

You had to be up for school by 7 anyway, so you'd get 2-3 hours of sleep at max. You hopped into bed as soon as you were done, not caring about putting anything back or even changing your clothes.

Unfortunately, unlike you hoped, you weren't able to fall asleep as soon as your head crashed onto the pillow. Instead, your mind preoccupied with other things was way too clouded with stressful thoughts to let you relax enough to fall asleep.

You tossed and turned in bed as your stomach growled. You huffed and tried blocking out the feeling. You didn't regret skipping dinner, it was necessary to finish off your work. You sighed and closed your eyes, trying to sleep. You lied for at least 10 minutes simply doing nothing. You tossed and turned trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in, but nothing worked. Your mind was simply too preoccupied to let you rest. you closed your eyes trying to calm yourself, only for your thoughts to go back to yesterday evening. You remembered the short conversation with your parents and how they seemed genuinely concerned. Did they know what was happening to you? They were your parents, after all, they probably figured something was wrong.

Thinking about your relationship with them, you felt guilty. You realized how your conversations were never longer than 5-10 minutes and you were always the one to cut them short. You didn't spend as much time with them as you used to, instead of dedicating all your time to studying.

All of a sudden, you remembered how they used to take care of you when you were a child. You remembered the first time they taught you how to ride a bike, your first day of school, and your middle school graduation. You can't remember the last time you all were together as a family and enjoyed yourselves. You were usually too busy and you regretted it.

Unconsciously, you sniffled, your eyes getting watery again. You huffed, roughly wiping and rubbing your eyes, embarrassed that all it took for you to get emotional was a few memories. You sighed shakily, trying to get your thoughts away from that, or else you knew you'd have another breakdown. Still not being able to fall asleep for another 45 minutes, you gave up.

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You got up and checked your phone, only to see that the time was 6:30 am. How perfect. You didn't bother combing your hair and tied a messy bun, too tired and too unbothered to even attempt to look decent. You hopped into the bathroom, brushing your teeth and grabbing a towel. You looked back into the mirror as you did yesterday during your mini breakdown. You had dark circles under your eyes, your eyes were red and your nose was tinted pink. You couldn't care less though.

You hopped into the shower and turned the temperature to max coldness, trying to wake yourself up to make yourself look less tired and well... less dead. You shivered at the temperature but bared it for the sake of looking slightly presentable and more awake.

You grabbed your soap and began to lather some on your hands. A few seconds later though, you felt a mild stinging sensation on both of your palms. You quickly washed away the soap as it was starting to burn and inspected your hands. Your palms. They were bruised and cut slightly. You stared at your palms and the crescent-shaped cuts on both of your palms. There were exactly 4 crescent-shaped cuts on each palm with a bunch of bruising around it. You realized it was from digging your fingernails into your palms yesterday. You did so in an attempt to stop crying but it didn't work. Oh well, now you have this to worry about as well, could your life get any worse? You made sure to carefully lather on the soap being wary of the cuts on your palms.

After you took a bath and got ready, you made sure to double-check that you had packed both your essays and the presentation pen drive. After confirming, you grabbed your backpack and hurried downstairs. Although you felt guilty for randomly rushing out during dinner, you didn't want to confront your parents. The nerves from your upcoming presentation were creeping up onto you and you were beyond terrified. You didn't feel hungry and didn't want any confrontation.

You quickly hurried down the stairs and avoided your parents' eyes. At this point, it had become regular for you to leave the house without a word. Your mom wouldn't bother too much since she knew you'd usually buy yourself something to eat at school itself. Or so she thought. It was a lie you told her a long time ago. Despite this, due to your unfinished conversation yesterday you feared they would come after you or confront you so you avoided them at all costs and rushed outside. Lucky for you, your parents didn't mind too much and carried on with what they were doing.

Outside, you noticed how the mist from yesterday had settled and was now fogging up the roads slightly. The mist collected on the grass on the side of the sidewalks in the form of dewdrops and you could smell the same earthy smell. You checked your phone once to get a glimpse of the time and realized you were quite early. Despite this, you still couldn't calm your nerves.

You gripped both straps of your backpack, not lifting your head. You stared at the ground kicking small pebbles along your way. The entire walk to school was quite uneventful and not too interesting. You mainly stayed on the same side of the sidewalk and luckily nothing came in your way. It was a 5-7 minute walk to school since you lived quite close to school and didn't see the point in wasting gas.

Once you reached your school, you tried ignoring everyone in your way, just trying to submit your essays. You were quite nervous and just wanted to remove some burden from your shoulders so submitting your essays early in the morning would be the best option. You rushed into the school building immediately setting your target on your science class that was a few floors up.

Fortunately, the hallways and stairways were mostly empty with just a few teachers and staff and maybe 5-7 students. That was one of the perks of being this early, you could get things done freely without being rushed by the students. You decided to stop at the principles office first, and then drop off your science essay.

You had to drop off your mid-term essay outside the principles office where a few teachers were collecting them. You made your way to the outside of your principal's office to drop off your paper. While walking there, the pace of your heart quickened, although you were simply dropping off your essay, something about being this close to the principles office didn't sit right with you. As you got closer you could feel the tingly feeling in your stomach, caused by the nerves. You carefully walked right in front of the drop-off desk and greeted the teacher. You were asked to fill in your name and the date dropped off, so you were handed a pen.

You were mindful not to let the pen put pressure against the cuts in your palm, but couldn't help but wince softly as the pen brushed against them as you picked it up. The teacher simply looked at you and you forced a smile. As soon as you dropped off your essay, you rushed away from there as soon as possible to a less scary area.

You made your way to your science class and dropped off your essay about expectancy value and took your seat in class. You were quite proud of the essay you wrote since you felt like you portrayed your opinion quite well. You also had science first period anyways, so you took your usual seat near the window in the front of the class and started to unpack.

You waited for at least 10 to 15 minutes before your science teacher came into class. He wasn't surprised that you were early since you usually came quite early. When you noticed he entered class, you immediately averted eye contact and looked somewhere else. In all honesty, your science teacher scared you.

All the other girls gushed over how he was just 5 or 6 years older than you and was handsome. You didn't see what they saw in him as you knew he had ulterior motives. You noticed the blatant sexism in class and how he always paid more attention to the girls, explaining it to them in detail while just brushing off the guys. You noticed how whenever everyone left class, he would stare at the exposed legs of the female students caused by the knee-length skirt that was a part of the school uniform. You noticed how he would favor the girls in general, letting them have their way, even letting them use their phones in class from time to time.

Although he hadn't made any advances, he was still really sleazy in general, and the very thought of him creeped you out. You didn't have too many personal encounters with him, just a few weird looks here and there, so you tried to avoid him as much as you could. When he noticed that you were not paying attention to him he sighed and collected his things. Usually, he would simply leave you alone, knowing school would start soon, but since the both of you were quite early he tried making conversation.

"Hey Y/n, Good morning!" He said all of a sudden. You whipped your head up, surprised that he was talking to you since he had never done so before.

"Hi" You hesitantly replied making sure to not seem too nervous, but also look a little busy so he would leave you alone.

"How's everything going? Are you feeling okay?" Although you knew he asked you that question simply wanting to ask you how you were feeling, you couldn't help but think to last night when you had a similar conversation with your parents.

"U-um, I'm fine, yeah, I'm good" You stuttered, diverting your attention elsewhere indicating you were done with the conversation.

He simply sighed and sat back down on top of his desk. He noticed that you had submitted your science essay/report and decided to read a bit of it before class started hopefully to give you someone on one feedback.

He picked up the paper and the rustling of the pages alerted you. You looked back at him only to notice that he was reading your essay. You felt nauseous and giddy all of a sudden. He wasn't supposed to be reading your essay now, especially in front of you. Your mouth got dry and you tried to calm yourself. You looked away so he wouldn't notice your stare as he continued reading for the next 2 or 3 minutes.

You looked back at him from time to time and noticed how his eyebrows were scrunched. You saw his somewhat disappointed expression and your stomach dropped. Was your essay not okay? Was he going to fail you? Your breaths got shallower and you looked around trying to calm yourself. All of a sudden, your science teacher spoke.

"Y/n, this was not what was asked of you" He stated matter-of-factly. You felt frustrated and embarrassed and your heart was in your throat. You tried clearing your throat to be able to speak. You looked back up at him, finally making eye contact, and gulped.

"I don't- I don't understand, I did what was-" You finally got out, only to be interrupted by him again.

"No, you didn't. It seems like you're disproving the experiment instead of proving it true. Meet me after class, we can discuss how to fix it." He stated, looking at you with a distressed smile. You forced back a smile and quickly looked away.

Eventually, students began to fill up the class and around 10 minutes after that dreadful conversation, the class had finally started. Unfortunately for you, you kept spacing out and couldn't pay attention to what was being taught due to your mind lingering on your stupid science essay. You began to think it was your fault. Maybe you hadn't studied hard enough? Maybe you just weren't smart enough? You put your head down and proceeded to bear the next 85 minutes or so, absentmindedly.

Luckily for you, your teacher hadn't called on you even once. He simply kept teaching and asking other students questions. You noticed how he tried to make jokes from time to time while all the girls giggled, and although your head was down, you knew he most likely had a smug smile on his face. You scoffed and kept getting lost in your thoughts. After what felt like an eternity, you finally through the class.

Now, it was time to finally confront your science teacher after class and you were not looking forward to it. You acted as if you were packing your bag so the other students wouldn't suspect anything. The last thing you wanted was for them to think you were spending time outside class with your science doing god knows what.

After everyone left, you sat back at your desk and waited for him to call on you, or notice you hoping, to get this over with as soon as possible. He grabbed your paper again and went through it again. You sighed and looked down. He slowly shifted his gaze towards you and ushered for you to grab a chair and sit next to his desk.

You huffed and picked up your chair dragging it to his desk. You plopped it down and took a seat on it. He sighed and brought his chair next to yours sitting on it as well. He began to explain that the experiment that he expected was a 'scientific' one with tangible results instead of a "social experiment" to quote directly. You huffed getting annoyed, how could he say that psychological studies weren't as valid? They were equally important. You sighed and looked away getting frustrated.

He wanted to explain it better, and went to get his pen that was next to you. Instead of asking you to give it to him, like a normal person, he rested his hand on your knee, reaching over to get it. On the outside, you kept your cool but inside you were freaking out. You glared daggers at his hand which was on your knee and didn't lift your gaze, as if staring at his hand was going to make him take it off.

Even after he reached over and got his pen, his hand was still on your thigh. He began to talk about some random experiment but you weren't paying attention. Why wasn't he taking his hand off you? You tried adjusting and moving your leg, crossing them over, to get him to let go, but his grip was firm.

"Hey, Y/n are you listening?" He clarified all of a sudden. You slowly pulled your gaze away from your knee and looked him dead in the eye. You glared at him, indicating you didn't want this. Despite this, he just didn't know when to stop, did he?

"Hey, calm down, what's wrong?" He asked sincerely. If only his actions reflected the same care, you knew he knew what he was doing. In an attempt to calm you down, his hand moved further up, grasping your thigh. You gasped and looked up at him with your mouth agape.

"Let go." You said sternly, you knew he was your teacher but he had to know his limits.

"Hey, I didn't mean it like that, it's alright," He said, the grip on your thigh becoming tighter. No, this was most definitely not okay. Due to the thin fabric of your school uniform skirt, you could feel his hand completely. You scrunched your eyebrows in disgust as you tried scooting backward. He got up though, towering over your shorter figure. You tried pulling away only for him to grip tighter.

"I didn't do anything" He stated firmly, grasping your wrist. He held your wrist tightly, not letting go. You cowered under him, still trying to pull yourself away.

"You don't want this?" He asked shamelessly. You shook your head rapidly, tears stinging in your eyes. He scoffed, roughly releasing your arm. You sighed, instantly getting as far away from him as possible, grabbing your backpack. You quickly shoved your remaining stationery in the first zip you found and threw your backpack over your shoulder, rushing out.

As you were about to leave though you heard him speak up again.

"Do not speak of this to anyone. I'm afraid I will have to fail you for this paper" He said trying to make you feel guilty. You couldn't care less though, without looking back, you nodded your head and left the class.

You cleared your throat as it had closed up. You realized you were crying in the middle of the hallway, so you quickly rushed to the toilet. Luckily, no one saw you, but you still wanted to get away, to freshen yourself up. You splashed water on your face trying to forget what happened in class a few minutes ago.

After that terrifying incident with your science teacher, the rest of the day was quite uneventful. You eventually got through your other subjects including music, and your presentation was a disaster. You weren't able to pay attention to what you were saying since your mind was still in different places. You stuttered your words and kept repeating the same thing.

Your peers realized you were distracted and your teacher knew you were bothered since your presentations were usually quite clear and informative. Thus, this time, they decided to let you off the hook. You were thankful that no one commented on that crappy presentation and simply went back to your seat.

Since you had music for the last period itself you were able to call it a day right after. You decided to skip your after-school commitment since you simply had too much on your mind.

After that shitty day, you decided to try to get your mind off of it by taking a walk in the green space near your apartment. You knew that it would mostly be empty right now as it was a weekday and because it was almost 4 pm, meaning it would most likely rain again.

You were still 5 minutes away from home, so you decided to walk home to the green space nearby. The entire walk there was quite silent. You took this time to try to process and understand the emotions you were feeling. It was getting fairly chilly due to the cold breeze, wind, and mist blowing. You folded both of your arms, rubbing them up and down, trying to get rid of the coldness.

The walk was quite short and you reached there in no time. Since the green area was right in front of your apartment, you could see your window from it. As soon as you reached, you saw your car leaving the apartment. Peeking around the corner, you realized it was your car. Your dad must have just left to go see your grandparents. You tried to hide a little, just in case. If your mom saw you here she would be disappointed that you lied to your dad about meeting your teacher after school.

You found a bench that faced away from your window just in case, so no one from your apartment could see your face. By the time, you found a good spot and settled and sat down, it was around 4:30 pm. You didn't really have a reason for coming to the park. You simply wanted to get your mind off of school, the workload, the stress, and what happened in the morning, so now that you were here, you didn't know what to do. Fortunately, tomorrow was slightly lighter. You didn't have any assessments due tomorrow, but you wanted to check in with your peers to ask them what you missed in the after-school session today and revise that before tomorrow.

Other than that though, you didn't know what to do. Due to this, you ended up spacing out. You simply sat on the bench rubbing your knees from the freezing wind from time to time just staring into the abyss. Quite honestly, it didn't feel forced, awkward or uncomfortable, it felt... calming. You felt a lot of comfort in the fact that you could just take time to process everything. Your way of doing that? Sitting out in the cold breeze, staring at nothing, mind blank. It didn't feel like a waste of time and you definitely didn't regret spending your time gazing at the nature.

Ever since you were young, you had a habit of counting the birds in trees or on the ground. Today was no different. Now that you were out in the nature, it made it easier to count them. You didn't do it for any particular reason, it was just a way of coping and de-stressing. You sat for a good 2 hours just observing everything around you and not doing anything. This included counting birds, staring into nothingness, daydreaming, and spacing out. You were suddenly interrupted by a honking car nearby.

You checked the time and realized it was 6 already. You freaked out and instantly got up, picking your bag. You didn't even realize it had started to drizzle and your sweater/school uniform started collecting water in the form of small droplets. You grabbed your bag, slinging it over your back, walking home, which was just a minute away, right opposite the park. You looked around making sure nobody saw you. Although you quite liked sitting out and simply doing nothing, you could understand how other people might have thought you were absolutely crazy for sitting out and doing nothing for 2 and a half hours.

You sighed looking around. You didn't want to go home just yet and didn't have anywhere else to go. The rain started getting a little heavier and you just gave up, looking up at the sky. Your clothes instantly clung to your figure and you shivered at the coldness.

You decided to take a walk around the nearby neighborhood since you didn't have anywhere else to go. This was actually quite rare. You usually never had the time to come outside and think about your life or reflect on anything as you were always cooped up in your bedroom doing work.

You huffed, rubbing your hands together. By now, your hair and clothes were drenched and your face was covered in water drops. You decided to visit the Mapo bridge to view the Han river from above. Ever since childhood, it was one of your favorite places as you were able to see the Han river below you, the Yeongdeungpo district to your left, and the Mapo district to your right. It had always been a calming sight.

It would take around 10-15 minutes to get there by car from your house but since you didn't really have access to a car right now, you had to walk. You knew it would take at least 45 minutes to get there but you still didn't care.

Unlike the two hours you spent at the park doing literally nothing, this felt different. You thought about the events happening in your life over the past few days, weeks, and months deciding to reflect on them during your journey.

You thought about your parents. How they always welcomed you with open arms while you often gave them the cold shoulder. You felt guilty that was for sure.

You thought about your friends. You had no close friends and the ones you had were slowly starting to drift away. You hadn't sat with them or even talked to them in over 2 weeks.

You thought about your studies. How you always stayed up late doing homework and taking notes while it never paid out. Instead, your crappy work just got you in more trouble.

You thought about the incident with your teacher today. How he touched you inappropriately and gripped your thigh. You shivered, pulling your skirt down slightly.

Unconsciously, tears had started to fall from your eyes. Luckily it was raining so nobody noticed anything too out of place. Despite this, you definitely got some weird stares. At first, the tears were silent. Your face was stoic while tears poured out of your eyes. Eventually though, recalling the painful memories and feelings was too much and your eyebrows furrowed. Your bottom lip trembled as you tried to contain your cries. It started off as light whimpers and occasional gasps.

You rubbed at your eyes and felt yourself losing control. Your cries got louder and you had to clasp a hand over your mouth. At this point, you didn't really care about anything else in the world and were overwhelmed by pain.

You threw your backpack onto some random chair god knows where, and continued walking. No without your backpack you felt freer, and both your hands flew to your face, as you walked in the cold rain.

Meanwhile, you had reached Mapo bridge and began to walk across the pedestrian section. Since it was raining, almost no one was on the bridge and you could finally let your emotions out freely. Your gasps got louder and you let out a strangled sob. Your hands flew to your face trying to cover it up, only for it to be followed by more cries.

As you walked to the middle of the bridge, stumbling across your steps not paying attention to what you were doing. You read the signs on the bridge.

"많이 힘들었구나" (It must be very hard)

"잘 지내지" (How are you)

"파란 하늘을 봐 봐" (Look at the blue sky)

They were mocking you. It was hard, you were not okay and nothing could make this pain better. Your eyes unconsciously closed your eyes and you let out a string of sobs. You choked on your tears, covering your face with your hands sobbing into them.

You rubbed at your eyes but nothing would stop this pain. You looked up at the Han river and thought for a moment. You looked down over the railing of the bridge and noticed the drop.

This was your chance. This was your chance to let go of all your pain and finally be free.

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Yunho was out with his friends. It was a rainy day and he had just gotten back from practice. On rainy days such as this one, he would often simply go on a drive with Hongjoong, Seonghwa, and Wooyoung. They were the three that enjoyed the rain and loved going on long drives. Their building was in Mapo but they decided to take a drive over to Yeongdeungpo since they had the rest of the day off.

The Mapo bridge was actually quite empty today. There weren't any cars or any people on the bridge. Since this was quite a rare occurrence, they decided to savor the moment and drive slowly enjoying their playlist while listening to the rain.

Wooyoung was driving while Seonghwa and Yunho were in the back, eating snacks and Hongjoong was picking a playlist. After popping a gummy bear in his mouth, Yunho decided to look outside and observe the Han river. All of a sudden though, around a hundred meters in front of their car near the left railing, a moving figure caught his eye. He was surprised that anyone would be out in the rain at this time. As they got slightly closer he realized they didn't have an umbrella either. As the car got even closer he realized that the figure was a girl. Your hair was drenched and so were your clothes. He stared at you weirdly wondering what on earth you were doing. You simply slid down the railing sitting on the floor, sobbing your eyes out and Yunho's eyes widened. He realized you were crying as your entire body was shaking with sobs and your hands were over your face.

He suddenly felt the urge to help and spoke up.

'Woo, slow the car for one second" He whispered softly and Wooyoung simply looked back and Yunho shrugging. He obliged and slowed down the speed of the car. Yunho continued to observe you. He didn't want to get out of the car since it was raining and he didn't have an umbrella but continued to watch you.

He watched the way your hands came up from your face and you gripped the roots of your hair. He watched how you tried to cover up your cries by cupping your hand over your mouth from time to time only for your to cry harder as your eyes squinted shut.

While they were driving past slowly, everyone was minding their own business while Yunho was still staring at you. Hongjoong had realized how Yunho was giggly before and then became silent all of a sudden and decided to check up on him. Hongjoong looked up at Yunho from the rear mirror, only to find his gaze locked on something outside. Hongjoong followed his gaze and found you as well. He saw that you were crying and stayed silent not knowing what to do.

Yunho was still looking at you and didn't notice how his leader was now also intrigued. He noticed how you roughly rubbed at your eyes getting up. He thought that you were done crying and that this was just a mini breakdown. Besides, everyone had bad days and maybe your way of letting it out was crying in the rain. Hongjoong averted his eyes as he saw you get up, giving you some privacy while Yunho kept his gaze locked on you.

He noticed how you were now facing the railing and looking out at the river. All of a sudden though, he saw you take off your shoes and a sudden wave of urgency washed over him.

"Stop the car!" He yelled at Wooyoung, while everyone in the car visibly flinched at his sudden voice, looking at him with concern. Wooyoung abruptly stopped the car, causing everyone to jerk slightly. The door immediately flew open and Yunho ran out of the car not caring whether his clothes got wet. Seonghwa had gasped and scooted to Yunho's side, peeking through, looking at what was going on.

Meanwhile, Yunho's intuition was correct. He knew something was wrong and the second you took off your shoes, he knew what you were trying to do. After you took off your shoes, you firmly grasped the railing of the bridge, hoisting yourself up, to sit on it. You looked around you, making sure no one was watching, although you didn't care at this point. Your mind was made up.

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You slowly scooted to the end of the railing, your hand tightly gripping the railing. You looked down, all that was below you was a 60-foot drop and lots of water. You sighed out shakily and looked back one last time. Your hands slowly let go and you breathed in a deep breath of air. You looked up at the sky and let out a wave of sobs before pushing yourself off the railing.

You expected to immediately feel the cold breeze hitting you as you fell over the bridge but you didn't. Instead, you felt a strong force pulling you backward.

The back of your head roughly collided with the concrete ground of the bridge and you let out a yelp. You looked around you processing your surroundings. You expected to be in the water by now, taking your final breaths. Instead, you were still back on the bridge and you fell back instead of forward.

You looked around suddenly, gripping the back of your head wanting to know who or what the fuck stopped you from doing so. Although you were mad you couldn't help but cry.

You sat up on the ground, knees close to your chest as you covered your hands and sobbed. You let out such painful cries, guttural noises, filled with pain. You cried, each cry letting out more sorrow than the last.

Little did you know, someone was scanning all your actions on the side, not knowing how to process the situation that just happened. He just witnessed someone who almost committed suicide.

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The second, he realized you took off your shoes, he knew that you were going to jump. It was a common occurrence, especially on this bridge. His intuition was proven correct when he saw you hoist yourself onto the railing. You were going to jump.

His body was moving on its own at that point and kicked the door open, rushing out as fast as possible. He didn't care about his clothes or his very expensive shoes, keeping only one goal in mind. As you scooted closer to the edge of the railing his heart stopped. He sprinted to the railing as fast as he could, almost slipping along the way. He roughly wrapped his big arms around your waist and he yanked you backward. He fell back onto the bridge and let go of your waist, catching his won fall, while you simply fell backward with force.

As you broke down in front of him, he felt a stinging in his heart. By now, Hongjoong and Seonghwa had also stepped out of the car with an umbrella, a little more cautious as they stood near the car itself, giving you a little space.

Yunho decided to slowly make a move to check up on you. He called out softly, but you didn't hear him.

"Excuse me?" He asked carefully, bottom lip caught in between his teeth from nervousness. You couldn't hear him over the rain and your sobs and frankly didn't care about anything else but the overwhelming pain in your heart.

He looked around nervously, before lifting a hand. He hesitantly brought it closer to you, doubting whether to touch you. He was wondering if you'd be comfortable, but he really wanted to help. He resorted to gently tapping your shoulder with his hands to alert you of his presence.

The second you felt his touch you immediately flinched, not noticing another person's presence. You looked up at him, before clasping your hand over your mouth. Although you knew that it was futile at this point, you still tried your best to cover up your sobs. You let out a string of sobs before squeezing your eyes shut and muttering apologies nonstop.

You kept stopping yourself with your cries but continued to whisper apologies. Yunho's eyes widened as he rapidly shook his head. Why on earth were you apologizing to him? As you looked up at him he noticed how strands of your wet hair clung to your face, your swollen and red eyes as well as your pink-tinted nose. He knew you must have been crying for a long time as your eyes reflected nothing but pain as they were completely bloodshot.

"Hey, hey, hey, I've got you" He whispered as he started patting your back. You nodded as you scooted closer. At this point, you didn't care how you were acting, simply trying to process what was happening. You pulled yourself together trying to get words out.

"May, I lean on you?" You softly whispered, voice breaking in the middle. Yunho hesitantly agreed, opening his arms up for you. You broke down again. You knew that you had been crying a lot that day, and maybe you were overreacting a bit, but in the heat of the moment, you simply couldn't stop.

You leaned into his warm chest taking in his musky scent that was slowly being washed away by the rain as he slowly crept a hand up to your back, rubbing it up and down.

"I'm here, I've got you, You're alright" He whispered into your hair. He knew you weren't in the right mind, but let you have your way just for now. You scrunched his now wet hoodie in your smaller fists as you tried to regain your composure.

You pulled away from a little embarrassed and looked away, knowing very well that he had already seen you, so there was no point. Yunho scooted further a little embarrassed too.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked softly and you shook your head, looking back up at him. You were surprised to see that his nose was slightly pink and his eyelashes were glistening in tears too. You felt guilty and apologized, a little embarrassed.

"I'm sorry for upsetting you," You said all of a sudden, and he shook his head rapidly.

"No, please don't apologize. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must be in to want to take your own life." He whispered the last part, still not wanting to agitate you. You nodded and backed away. Yunho suddenly then realized the situation he was in, it was raining and the coldness was starting to get to him, he couldn't even imagine how much pain you must have been in to completely feel numb to it.

"It's raining and it's cold outside, do you want to sit inside our car, we have a heater" He interjected all of a sudden. You got nervous all of a sudden not knowing how to respond.

"I- I- can't-, I'm not sure" You stuttered your words and he noticed your discomfort, trying to divert the topic.

"Do you have anywhere else to go?" He asked looking at you sincerely and you shook your head. You couldn't go home like this. You averted your gaze while he tried to come up with a solution that you were comfortable with. All of a sudden though, you spoke up.

"Where are you going?" You asked and he tried to come up with a comforting answer real quick, one that would convince you to go with them.

"We are just heading to Yeongdeungpo, would you be interested in tagging along?" He asked sincerely. Your grandparents lived there, and you knew they would welcome you without asking questions, so you could go stay at theirs if you wanted to, so you nodded your head.

"Are you sure?" He confirmed with you and you nodded.

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It was safe to say the car ride there was anything but comfortable. You were in a car full of strangers wherein 2 of you were soaking wet.

"What on earth were you thinking?" One of them asked you all of a sudden, and you noticed the male who was with you earlier glared daggers back at them.

"I- um, I didn't- I'm not-" You kept fumbling over your words.

"She's not obligated to answer that." The man from earlier said sternly. You mumbled a thank you and continued to look outside. A few more minutes of silence passed as he tried to break the awkward silence.

"I never got your name by the way," He said all of a sudden, and without looking back you answered.

"Y/n," You said, cutting the conversation short. You weren't in the mood to talk. The other male nodded and introduced himself and the others.

"Well, I'm Yunho, this is Hongjoong, Seonghwa, and Wooyoung" He pointed at them but you didn't look at them, simply nodding, facing the other direction. Through the side mirror of the car, you noticed the boy in the front, the one that had slightly longer hair in the back, and was significantly shorter, glaring at Yunho. You assumed they were not comfortable introducing their identities just yet and you were okay with that.

Most of the car ride was quiet. You let out occasional sighs and whimpers due to the cold but there were no other comments or conversations.

Halfway through the ride though, the boy from earlier, the one who asked you what you were doing on the bridge, Seonghwa, spoke up again.

"Are you okay though?" He trailed off at the end. The other three boys looked at him with wide eyes, presumably glaring, telling him off, when you suddenly cut those thoughts off.

"I don't know" You answered sincerely. In all honestly, nobody had expected you to speak up, so when you did, they were all ears. You sighed before continuing.

"Everything is just so hard on me" You sighed out, as your voice broke at the end of the sentence. You decided that was enough or else you knew you wouldn't be able to stop if you said more. Although your answer was somewhat ambiguous, they didn't want to pressure you.

They all just nodded trying not to make it seem like a big issue. You noticed how Yunho sighed silently next to you before scooting closer to you. This didn't go unnoticed by you. His knees made contact with your fingers which were on either side of you, on the seat, and you looked back up at him questioningly.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it? I'm all ears, you don't have to worry about feeling vulnerable. In all honesty, it's best to let your feelings out. You seem like the type to bottle everything up, but you clearly have a lot on your mind, you can tell me if you're comfortable." He whispered sincerely, only of you to hear. You were still looking into his eyes, and unconsciously tears started welling up in your eyes again at the sincerity and care in his voice. You had never told anyone about your problems and this was your chance. A tear slipped down your cheek and you roughly wiped at it, scoffing softly.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what's gotten into me today" You let out a soft breathy laugh, but the both of you knew it was not funny. He looked at you sternly, faux anger on his face as he felt frustrated that you were treating yourself this way, frustrated that you were reducing yourself to an emotionless robot.

"Don't say that. Emotions are what make you human, you don't need to feel embarrassed." He said and you nodded, slowly scooting closer to him. He didn't mind. Although the proximity was making him a little nervous, he was trying his best to comfort you.

He decided to test the waters by putting his arm around you. He slowly and slyly snaked his arm behind your back, since you were leaning forwards and slowly made contact with the small of your back. When he noticed that you were comfortable with it, he tried putting a little pressure to pull you closer and you went with the flow. You leaned into him, with your head on his shoulder, as one of his arms was around you. You both needed the warmth anyways as you were freezing. It was silent for a bit before you decided to speak up.

"My science teacher molested me." You said breathily. His eyes widened as he tried pulling away from you. With this new bit of information, he realized that the close proximity of you two could be making you nervous. He wasn't able to pull away though since your back was flush against the back of the seat, and you didn't seem too uncomfortable so he decided to keep it there. He rubbed your back up and down urging you to continue.

"I don't- I'm not sure what I did wrong. I disproved the experiment instead of verifying it and he got mad." You paused and took in a shaky breath of air. At this point, your voice sounded pathetically weak and vulnerable but you knew only Yunho could hear you since you were whispering to him, so you had nothing to worry about. He just let out a hum into your hair as you continued.

"He called me to stay after class the discuss the paper and I stayed. I fucking stayed. I stayed despite knowing his sleazy ass would try to pull something on me. After all the students left he called me over to his desk..." You stopped yourself off as you felt your voice wavering. At this point, Yunho could feel his stomach doing flips just thinking about the situation you were in. The fact that it seemed like you were blaming yourself made him feel even worse. Nonetheless, you continued.

"He grabbed my knee and then my thigh and when I told him to let go, he didn't. He even had the audacity to ask me whether I wanted to go further. When I said no, he- he said I would fail. This is all my fault, what the fuck is wrong with me." You let out breathily into Yunho's wet hoodie. His heart broke when he heard you blaming yourself, you couldn't be further from the truth.

"Hey, please don't blame yourself. You have no reason to blame yourself, Y/n. You put your heart into that essay and he didn't like it because his narrow-minded brain couldn't accept new ideas. Furthermore, I'm sure he only used it as an excuse to hurt you. I'm sure your essay was great, and please don't blame yourself for him touching you. What he did was wrong and is all his fault." He paused finally, a little breathless from rambling. You nodded thinking he was done, only for him to continue speaking.

"I'm going to give you my number... Feel free to call me after today, I want to help you. I want to help you speak your side and arrest your science teacher for he did to you" You mumbled a soft okay as you leaned deeper into his embrace.

"I shouldn't feel like this" You suddenly said. Yunho had assumed the conversation was over when you told him about your science teacher but regardless he was ready to listen, no matter what it was.

"Why?" He asked sincerely, ready to scold you again for putting yourself down for having emotions.

"I have loving parents. I study at a good school. I usually get decent grades. I have 2-3 friends who I talk to sometimes. My family can afford the resources I need to feel content. Then why the fuck do I feel like this?" You asked more to yourself than Yunho and he knew this, but he had an answer.

"So?" He countered, waiting for a reaction from you but you had none.

"Even the most privileged people are not happy hun. Satisfaction and content come from within. You may have everything you need but still not feel satisfied with yourself. Is there anything about yourself that is bothering you?" He asked and you furrowed your eyebrows. What he was saying made a lot of sense...

"You- I-, I guess... I feel stressed all the time, and I'm not happy with the work I produce since I'm stressed and overwhelmed, but how did you know-"

"How do I know?" He interrupted you while you looked at him with wide eyes.

"Because I've felt the exact same way a few years ago." Now it was your turn to be shocked.

"I'm training to be an idol and I spent countless nights practicing my dancing and singing, but I never felt happy with my skills. I always thought I could get better, and that led to a sort of addiction. I stayed up late at our studio practicing and my sleep schedule was fucked up." You chuckled breathily at his word choice and how he let a curse word slip in. He noticed and smiled back down at you.

"When I finally understood and accepted the problem I got better. My mental health took a turn for the better and I was more proud of my accomplishments. Besides, I consider myself a decent singer now" He laughed at the end as you joined him.

"I'm proud of you for reaching your goal and bettering yourself," You said honestly as you patted his chest.

"I just hope I can fix myself one day too." You said honestly.

"I'm sure you will be able to. It takes time and perseverance, so please never give up. You're a beautiful, talented, and valuable person, never doubt yourself." He said and you nodded in his embrace.

That's where the conversation ended for now. The silence was not awkward at all. Instead, it was quite comforting as you had a lot to think about and process. Yunho's words definitely shifted the way you looked at life.

Yunho got a little more confident and trailed his arm upwards of your back and into your wet hair. He ran his hands through your wet hair as you scooted closer to him. He gently rubbed his hands across your scalp relaxing you. Despite him being a stranger, from the way he listened to you, saved your life, and comforted you, you knew he was someone you could trust.

Meanwhile, the boy in the front, Hongjoong looked through the rear mirror, looking at the position you and Yunho were in. He and Yunho suddenly made eye contact through the mirror, and Yunho got nervous, his eyes widening as he realized his leader had seen the position he was in, but that went away as he realized Hongjoong was smiling back at him with a soft smile across his face.

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Unknowingly, you had fallen asleep in Yunho's arms. When Hongjoong realized you fell asleep he patted Seonghwa's shoulder pointing to the two of you. You had fallen asleep on Yunho's shoulder, resting your head against it, while his head was on top of yours, also asleep. Seonghwa almost squealed when he saw the position you were in. They exchanged a few knowing looks before you finally arrived at your stop.

Yunho woke up before you and you were awoken by a messy-haired, still sleepy but smiley Yunho, ushering you to go outside. You got up, rubbing at your eyes as you looked around. You realized you were still in the car with all of the boys looking at you. You got embarrassed and quickly fixed yourself before shooting a confused look at Yunho. Suddenly, the man driving, Wooyoung, spoke up.

"I dare you and Yunho to go to 7/11 to get us snackssss" He playfully said and you smiled.

"Don't forget to get yourself a new pair of clothes too, you're soaking wet and probably cold. Although, I don't think that was much of a problem considering you were practically on top of eachoth- OOF" Seonghwa was cut off but Yunho roughly shoving his side. For the first time in the past week, you let out a genuine laugh and all the boys turned to look at you, as you bent over in laughter. Their eyes widened and Yunho swore it was the most melodious sound he had ever heard.

Feeling empowered and having a new perspective on life, you decided to go with the flow. Besides, you were given a second chance at life, you weren't going to waste it, moping around. You decided to make a change, and that change started today.

"Well big boy, are you coming with me or not?"

[owlhart]

Somewhere Only We Know

It takes them almost four days to find Triss' body on the battlefield, hair matted with blood. Burns cover her chest and back, charred skin peeling and flaking into blotches of red and pink and black. The nauseating smell of burnt flesh still hangs in the air but it seemed as if Triss had enough magic to heal any major injuries before she had passed out, hidden away in the corner of the archway before the gate.

The field medics stabilise her the best that they can before Keira teleports the both of them back to the royal infirmary in Vizimir.

But that had been a fortnight ago and though Triss' body had recovered with the aid of magic, albeit with scarring on her chest, she had not woken up yet. It is not long before Philippa appears at the Royal Palace of Vizimir and Keira all but drags her to the royal infirmary without so much as a 'hello'. "Help me," the blonde half demands, half pleads, anxiety and helplessness rolling off of her in waves. "She won't wake up. There's nothing wrong with her physically and this isn't a medically induced coma, but she just won't wake up. She doesn't respond to any stimulus, she doesn't react to anything and oh gods, help her, Philippa. I don't know what to do." Philippa stares down at Triss' prone form. Dressed in a simple gown, she simply lay there, her chestnut curls spread out on the pillow like a halo, a serene expression on her face - there is no pain, only painful memories etched onto her chest in the form of scars. Philippa sits beside her and takes her hand. She sends a pulse of magic through Triss' body and the magic rebounds back full circle. Her eyebrows knit together in thought. Gingerly, she sends a continuous stream of magic into Triss' body this time, slowly probing until she hits a barrier. "What is it?" Keira asks at the serious expression on Philippa's face.

"You are correct in that physically she is fine, aside from the scarring. But there is a magical barrier around her mind - an automatic defence mechanism triggered by immense stress and trauma. It’s rare but not unheard of.”

“Alright, then how do we snap her out of it?” Philippa stills and Keira sucks in a breath at the look on her face, wringing her hands frantically. “Oh gods, what do we do? I mean, Tissaia’s still recovering from dimeritium poisoning and Yennefer’s in no shape to help. What...what about Sheala? Or...or Francesca! She must know something!”

“Keira," Philippa grabs her by the arm. “Pull yourself together and then make yourself useful and go to the library to do some research on this. I need to think.”

“Research?”

“Keira, focus please. I’m not asking you to find a cure for the Catriona plague, so stop panicking and go do as I say.”

Keira moves to rush out of the room and Philippa catches her by the shoulder.

“Look at me. Look at me, Keira.” She holds her gaze. “Take a deep breathe. Focus. Yes?”

Keira inhales deeply. 

“Alright, now go.”

The younger sorceress nods and leaves swiftly. Philippa watches her disappear out the door before she herself lets out a deep sigh, the thundering of her heartbeat in her ears the only thing betraying her true feelings.

She takes a minute to compose herself, compartmentalising her emotions with practiced ease. Then, she takes Triss’ hand in her own, her other hand sweeping back the hair from her face and placing it over Triss’ forehead. The magic surges through her fingertips and she tries to channel it into Triss but the barrier holds fast, and it starts to push back against the intrusion, almost as if rejecting her. Philippa eases off, afraid that forcing her way through would cause more harm.

She tries for hours but to no avail and when she has exhausted her magic, she turns to Sheala.

“I’m sorry, Philippa, but it will take me at least a week to get to Temeria. My megascope isn’t functioning at its full capacity at the moment and I cannot teleport there.”

Philippa grimaces at the other woman’s fuzzy image as the megascope flickered violently.

“Do you have any idea how to wake her up?”

“I don’t, at least not until I’ve examined Triss.”

Philippa feels a knot form in her throat and she gives Sheala a nod of thanks. Sheala disconnects and Philippa tries but fails to contact Francesca and Ida. With a heavy heart, she helps Keira with her research, pouring over every single book, scroll and parchment she can get her hands on. They carry on for days and when Philippa is too exhausted to continue, she drags herself to Triss’ side.

She looks so peaceful lying there and Philippa sinks to her knees at her bedside. She is tired, she is drained, and her heart aches so terribly.

“Triss,” she whispers, swallowing hard, “if you can hear me, I need you to fight. I need you to be stronger and braver than you were at Sodden. I need you to be fearless.” She looks up at the ceiling, blinking quickly. “For the both of us. Triss, please.”

So tell me when you're gonna let me in. I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.

Her hands are shaking as she stands up wearily. The weight in her chest swells as she places a kiss on Triss’ forehead and she closes her eyes, inhaling the familiar scent - it is warm and comforting and nostalgic and her heart sinks. She places her hands on Triss’ temples and touches foreheads. The world dissolves around her suddenly and she finds herself standing in the middle of a forest. It is dark and grey and the thick damp mist surrounds her. She can’t see past a few feet in front of her and she stills, trying to get a bearing of her current whereabouts. The sounds fade and all she can hear is the thudding of her heartbeat and her shallow breathing echoing in her head. 

She takes a step forward and the mist retreats slightly. She takes another step, and another and another and something pricks at the back of her mind.

The feeling is different but she knows this place. 

She cannot place it but it calls to her, stronger with each step she takes.

Is this the place we used to love? Is this the place that I've been dreaming of? Her boots crunch against the dry bed of leaves blanketing the ground and the sound of rushing water grows louder. Her fingers brush against the smooth bark of the white birch trees thoughtfully.

She knows this place.

The world reveals more of itself as she wanders towards the source of the rushing water until she finds herself with one foot in the river. She remembers this place.

Time slows down, the blood pulsing in his ears so loudly that it roars and rages and she drops down on one knee, one hand pressed to the side of her head. Gasping, Philippa blinks away the tears.

It is the small secluded grove beside the river, tucked away in a dense part of the forest - it is Triss’ favourite spot in Maribor and she had taken Philippa there when Philippa had last visited Temeria; it is the place where Triss had told Philippa she loved her for the first time, where Triss had kissed her so tenderly, so lovingly; it is the place where Philippa had broken Triss’ heart. 

But this is an illusion, a bastardisation of its real counterpart in all its faded colours and suffocating eerieness, and Philippa wants to scream.

A murmur floats to her with the wind and her head snaps up. She sees the figure standing in the river near the shore on the other side and she doesn’t need to see the chestnut curls or cornflower blue eyes or that gentle, tender smile to know who it is.

She would recognise Triss in a thousand worlds, in a thousand lifetimes.

“Triss!”

There is something beckoning her, calling her, and Philippa fights against its hypnotic draw. Triss has almost crossed the river, but something tells Philippa she cannot allow her to reach the other side.

Philippa wades deeper into the river and she can see visions reflected on the surface of the water - she sees Triss conjuring vines to block the Nilfgaardian’s advances; she sees the flames engulf her; she sees the tears and the blood and the agony - and Triss needs only one more step to reach the opposite bank.

A desperate fury ignites in her chest and she surges forward against the water current.

“Triss!”

Triss turns around at her scream, eyes wide. 

Philippa stops in the middle of the river. There is something blocking her and she can go no further. And so, she extends a hand, palm upwards. 

And if you have a minute, why don't we go talk about it somewhere only we know?

Philippa fights to keep her voice steady.

“Do you remember what you told me before we went off to Sodden?”

Pain flashes across Triss’ eyes at the mention of Sodden but she nods wordlessly. “You told me that you would come back to me, safe and sound.” Her voice is thick with emotion but Philippa presses on. “The battle is over, Triss. And now, I need you to keep your promise. I need you to come back to me.” She is vaguely aware of the wetness on her cheeks. “Please. Come back to me.” This could be the end of everything, so why don't we go somewhere only we know?

Triss stares at her before taking a shaky step towards Philippa. She is crying too but she reaches out and takes her outstretched hand so gently that Philippa thinks it is all just a dream.

The world burns away the grey and monochrome colours. The mist dissipates instantly and blue and green and brown and gold sears back into their vision. There is warm sunlight and a cool breeze and the murky waters have cleared into a beautiful turquoise but Philippa does not see or feel any of it.

There is only Triss.

And Triss smiles through her tears, a hand reaching up to caress Philippa’s cheek. 

“Always.”

Philippa gasps and they wake in the palace once again. They stay unmoving for a while before a relieved smile finally tugs at Philippa’s lips.

“Welcome back.”

[alleycat97]

True Immortals

Pairing: Kamilah x MC

...

Amy wouldn’t be lying if she said she wasn’t nervous. Her intense training was getting the better of her emotionally and physically. With each new skill learned, a new ‘nightmare’ would test her when she went to rest.

As more as her body opened up to her powers, the more she felt disconnected from it. Darkness and fear kept her on edge. Not to mention she was under serious pressure to save the entire world. Amy didn’t do pressure. She couldn’t even cook a pizza in the oven without burning it, how was she suppose to save the world?

Kano pushed her everyday past her breaking point, dreamscapes of hell and horror attacking her just to break her down. Tasked with the impossible, Amy never did break. Everytime she felt down and out she would access another memory of the true reason she wouldn’t quit, Kamilah.

Kamilah was her world, her savior, her light in all this darkness that surrounded her. It was Kamilah who was most proudest of Amy when Kano finished her training, promising to always have the bloodkeepers back.

Amy enjoyed playing around with her new powers, always showing Kamilah a new trick or two. Kamilah could feel the absolute power radiating from Amy, it only did so much to feed her lust for the girl, she needed to feel her power....

...

“Ahh my little soldier.” Rheya greeted happily as Gaius entered her throne room.

“Yes, my goddess.” Gaius bowed to Rheya.

“What news do you have for me. I trust you found our little gang of rebels?”

Gaius swallowed hard under Rheya’s gaze, trying to remain civil and not give himself away, “I did Rheya...But..” Gaius’s head started to cave in with immense pressure, sending him to his knees.

Rheya stood and approached him, “I release you from that prison and this is how you thank me? By failing!” She pinched her fingers together making the pain much more intense. “You’re back under my control, we do things my way understood?”

Gaius weakly nodded before being released. “My goddess it’s the girl...she’s much...”

“More powerful than we thought. Yes I know, I found that out the hard way.”

“If she is this powerful now, she cannot complete her training.” Gaius stated.

“Well we have Serafine. Let the little bloodkeeper be unstable, there is no one who can teach her.” Rheya scoffed sitting back on her throne.

“That’s not entirely true.” He hesitated.

Rheya’s face twisted into anger, “Gaius you fool! What do you mean!?”

“There is a powerful physic in Japan, Kano.”

“Of course there is! Anyone else you need to tell me about!?” Rheya hissed. “No matter, I have a plan to bring her to my side.”

“With my return, I’ve amassed a great following of vampires and humans, they are outnumbered.”

“The last I recall, Japan was only open to 6 vampires. There is the 5 of Japan and then Kano. They will be no problem for us.” Gaius added pushing the Japanese vampires aside.

Rheya rubbed her chin, lightly tapping her fingers against her armrest as she pondered, “How well do you know this Kamilah Sayeed...”

...

“No one is ever truly gone.” Kanos words filled Amy’s mind once again.

Kamilah held Amy in a tight embrace after celebrating the completion of her training, a happy time that was filled with stale thick air.

“Amy what’s wrong?” Kamilah cooed in her lover’s ear.

“I’m afraid...” Amy said so quietly, not wanting to be heard.

“Amy look at me.” Amy looked into Kamilah’s loving eyes searching for comfort. Kamilah looked back and saw the lifeless eyes of Amy.

“Oh Amy, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that you have to go though all of this.”

“I’m afraid of losing you...I can’t lose you again Kamilah but I’m so afraid. My visions...they’re becoming too real and it’s only a matter of time before the inevitable hits and I know I won’t have the strength to do what is needed.” Amy sobbed snuggling tighter to Kamilah.

“Hey, hey. Shhhh it’s ok Amy.” Kamilah whispered rubbing her back the way she loved. “No matter what happens, I’ll be there with you every step of the way, because I love you Amy, very much so.”

Kamilah’s words lifted Amy’s spirits, that’s all she needed to hear, “I love you to Kami.”

...

The gang laid low for a bit longer in Japan until a Service Announcement alerted Adrian, “Guys hurry around quick!” He yelled frantically.

They all watched on Adrian’s phone the announcement, “New Interim Mayor of New York Rheya Apostolous to meet with Secretary of Defense Moira Pembrooke in ‘Cleansing’ New York City of the virus that caused widespread pandemonium.”

“Mayor!?” Lily stated shocked.

“Hmm. Guess Rheya decided another snack was in order.” Amy hissed.

“We must get there and stop whatever she is up to.” Adrian declared earning a round of agreements, all but from Amy.

She took in the site of the auditorium she had nightmares about. The place of death and the truth she couldn’t admit was about to surface. There was no escaping her destiny, the dark side was inevitable. Her brain went into overload, this is where it all goes down she thought as she collapsed to the floor.

“Amy!”

[myriadimagines]

Common Face (pt. II)

Game of Thrones One Shot

Pairing: Reader x Margaery Tyrell

Other Characters: Cersei Lannister, Tommen Baratheon, Olenna Tyrell

Warnings: imprisonment, swearing, death (hhdfngjdf)

Requester: anonymous

Request: “i wanted to request a part 2 for 'common face' (margaery x reader). while the reader tries to keep a low profile, margaery is imprisoned (just like in the series) & the reader visits her in secret a couple of times. cersei still suspecting and maybe almost being caught to tommen? If you can, could you extend it to the Great Sept of Baelor episode? During Margaery's imprisonment the reader eavesdrops on Cersei's plans and tries to stop the wildfire, but is prevented by soldiers. Ending with the reader leaving for Mereen, to join Daenerys, knowing that he might get to see Olenna and talk things through.”

Word Count: 1,964

A/N: I hope you like it! Sorry I kinda jumped over certain parts mainly because I’m a lazy fuck but anyway, for anyone who hasn’t read it, here is Part I!!

please reblog/leave comments, they’re very much appreciated!

You don’t care about Olenna’s multiple warnings, don’t care about the dangers of being caught, don’t care much about anything ever since Margaery’s imprisonment. Your brain feels frazzled, disconnected from your body as you find yourself unable to think straight about anything. Your body moves on instinct and impulse alone, any shred of logic thrown out of the window, simply driven by the sole fact that you love Margaery and can’t let anything happen to her. 

Or let anything else happen to her, anyway.

The Septas glance at you suspiciously as you weave in between them, keeping your head low as you follow behind the Faith Militant who leads you to Margaery’s cell. You would be suspicious too, if you were them, as the seemingly lowly servant you’ve disguised yourself as has no reason to visit the former Queen as often as you do. 

You can only hope the High Sparrow and his followers still see you as a servant, and aren’t aware of your true identity and allegiance to the Tyrells. They have eyes and ears everywhere, after all, making it all the more crucial for you to keep a low profile as to not unveil anything. You tread lightly, walking through life as if you’re being constantly watched. As a spy, being suspicious of everything and everyone isn’t new to you, yet you feel as if everything has been shifted into overdrive.

But as a Septa steps forward to unlock Margaery’s cell, you almost abandon everything to rush forward and hold her in your arms.

You remain frozen in place as Margaery looks up, cowering in a dark corner of the dismal cell. You’ve already visited Margaery as many times as can without raising suspicion, but it doesn’t make it easier to see the woman you love suffering in such horrible conditions. The only source of light is the diluted sunshine through the barred window, casting blotchy patches of light onto the opposite wall. The stench is overpowering, the air thick and heavy, and every inch of the floors and walls are covered in a layer of dirt and grime. Margaery herself doesn’t look much better, donned in drab robes that almost camouflage her into the walls, her once styled hair now hanging in limp, greasy strands obscuring her exhausted face. 

Her eyes initially narrow, before you step into the dim light, and her eyes widen with recognition. Her mouth opens, but you shoot her a look, warning her not to react before you hold out the small tray of food in your hands, “The Queen sent me. Wanted to make sure you had enough to eat.” 

The door closes behind you as Margaery’s eyes narrow at the food, and both of you immediately relax as you rush up to her. You place the tray at her side, reaching up to hold her face in your hands, and she closes her eyes as she places her hands over yours, whispering, “You’re the only thing keeping me from going insane.”

“I wish I could kill everyone here to free you, my love,” you sigh heavily, your thumb brushing against her cheek. Her eyelids flutter open as you tuck her hair behind her ears, leaning forward to press a kiss to your cheek. “I’m sorry I didn’t visit yesterday when I told you I would. Cersei caught me heading to the Sept, and I didn’t want to risk being followed.”

The mention of Cersei’s name again makes Margaery coil away slightly in disgust. “That devious bitch.”

“Lady Olenna and I are doing everything we can to fix this, but…” you suck in a sharp breath, almost feeling physical pain as you continue to finish your sentence. “Cersei is a step ahead of us.” 

You can see Margaery’s jaw tighten, anger flashing through her eyes. Bitterly, she spits, “Of course she is.” 

“Margaery,” you tilt her chin to face you, softly smiling at her as she can’t help but return the smile. “I will save you.” 

The both of you suddenly stiffen upon hearing voices outside. You and Margaery share an alarmed glances, and you jump back just in time as the heavy door suddenly swings open, revealing Tommen in the doorway. You can see the surprise in Tommen’s face as he looks at you, before glancing down at Margaery. Quickly jumping to salvage the situation, you pipe up, “Queen Cersei sent me to bring food for Margaery.” 

Margaery lets out a low scoff upon hearing Cersei’s new title, and you struggle to keep a straight face as Tommen slowly nods. The boy is too naive for his own good, you think, as he simply accepts your flimsy explanation for your presence. Bowing your head, you cast one more secret glance at Margaery before you leave, leaving Tommen and Margaery alone, where Margaery will no doubt begin to work at him to get him to free her. 

And you have work to do, too. You need to figure out Cersei’s plans. 

—

Your heart hammers so loudly in your chest it threatens to explode right out of your body. You hastily shove everyone out of your way, ignoring the irritated yelling and curses thrown your way as you continue to sprint down the streets, towards the Sept of Baelor. 

A young man in front of you pulls his horse to a stop, dismounting as he greets his friend. You push him aside, snatching the reins into your hand as dig your foot into the stirrup, hoisting yourself onto his horse as he attempts to jump in front of you, blocking you. The man quickly leaps to the side as you kick the horse into a gallop, tearing down the streets as you can see the towering building of the Great Sept draws nearer and nearer.

“Move!” you yell, your voice booming through the streets with the loud clatter of hooves, and the commoners around you quickly scatter away from the path. Your mind is racing, a million thoughts spinning rapidly through your head, but one thing is clear, the one thing that is often the only thing clear for you — Margaery is your priority.

You had been tailing Cersei for days following her walk of atonement, listening in on her conversations when you could in order to find any information you could use. 

However, when all was revealed, it was more monstrous than you ever could’ve imagined. 

Tears were prickling your eyes now, the world around you becoming a muted blur as you urge your horse on faster. Cersei has the building orchestrated to explode using the wildfire under the Sept, killing everyone who stands in her way, Margaery included. You know Loras is also in the Sept, and you need to do everything you can to save Olenna’s grandchildren. 

Your horse wrestles against you as you suddenly yank your reins, narrowly pulling to a stop in front of the perimeter of guards that line the road to the Sept. Panic claws at your throat, and you struggle to breath as you demand, “Let me through.”

The guards don’t respond, instead gripping their shields and weapons tighter as the band together, relentless. You urge your horse forwards, but it tosses its head, especially as the guards slam their shields down, forming a wall that spooks your horse. Dismounting, you use all your strength to slam your body against theirs, and you can feel yourself losing your authority and control as you plead, “Please, let me through, you don’t understand, the Sept is-” 

Everyone suddenly freezes as you hear low rumbling, rubble on the street beginning to tremble as everyone around you looks at each other in confusion. Your heart plummets to the floor seconds before you do, and you collapse against the guards as you realize what’s to come.

You’re too late.

“Margaery!” her name rips through your throat, an excruciating sound of heartbreak and grief just as screams fill your ears, the commoners running away from the Sept as you watch it being rapidly swallowed by vibrant green flames. You lunge forward, though you’re held back by the guards who begin ordering everyone to evacuate, but you can’t hear them as you let out another scream. “Margaery, no!”

Sobs overcome your body, which begins to weakly tremble as you sink to your knees. You let out an anguished cry so loud you’re not even sure a human body can handle it, can handle the immense pain and agony that courses through you. Everything in your body feels like it’s collapsing — you struggle to breathe through your heaving lungs, your heart feels as if it’s cracking with each pump. Your limbs feel numb, your entire body succumbed to the grief and heartbreak, and you don’t have the energy to fight.

Her name is still on your lips, still filling your mouth and suffocating you as you manage to tilt your head up to see the Sept burning to ashes. The green flames dance maniacally against the sky, taunting you, forcing you to think about the lives it had just taken. Tears stream faster down your face now, soaking your cheeks and blurring everything around you. Bodies push past you, trampling around you as everyone attempts to flee, but you remain on the cobbled streets, sobbing so hard you surely don’t have any tears left. 

But no matter how hard you cry, the sadness doesn’t leave. It sits on your chest, weighing down on you, crushing against your ribcage. And no matter how many times you scream her name, no matter how much you plead to the cruel Gods that took her away from you, you know that nothing will bring Margaery back.

—

The sailor tips the small sack of coins you wordlessly hold out to him into his hand, eyes widening upon seeing the gold that spills out into his palm. Looking over his shoulder, he quickly drops them back into the bag, slipping it into his tattered jacket pocket as he repeats, “Mereen, you said?”

You nod in response, throat still too raw from endless nights of crying to speak. The sailor beckons for you to step onto his small boat, and you nod gratefully at him, pulling your hood further over your face as you check, one last time, to make sure you’re not being followed.

As the boat pulls away from the docks, you bitterly watch King’s Landing grow smaller and smaller the further you sail away. It has been a week since Margaery’s death, and your grief and melancholy is now mixed with fury, and a strong need for revenge. Despite wanting to slit Cersei’s throat yourself, you decide revenge which will come in the form of Daenerys Targaryen, whom Olenna had talked about the last time you saw her, and whom she will no doubt be with after she receives the tragic news about her grandchildren.

Your hands grip the edge of the boat, tears threatening to fall again as you force yourself to look away, leaving King’s Landing behind you. You need a clear head, you try and tell yourself, need to forget about the city that has now become a giant graveyard for you, a tombstone for the woman you love. 

I will save you. 

As you head into the ship’s chambers, your last words to Margaery echo in your ears. You suck in a sharp breath, sitting on the edge of the worn-down mattress as you bury your face in your hands

I will save you.

“I’m so sorry.” you choke out in a whisper, hoping she can hear you, wherever she may be. You might not have been able to save her, you furiously think, but you’re going to save the Seven Kingdoms from Cersei Lannister, if it’s the last thing you do.

tag list: @chinike / @gofandomsandotherstuff / @emmacata / @pascalisthepunkest / @musicallisto

[sincerelybillie]

don’t reach out to people who harmed you, even if it’s the holidays

This is advice I probably wouldn’t have taken this time last year, but it’s a lesson I keep having to learn because I continued to put myself in positions for disappointment and more harm because I felt guilty for being harsh enough to pick my emotional and physical safety and self respect over them.

When it comes to my friends and family, I remember the little things about them and their passions, niche interests, and inside jokes. When birthdays or holidays come around, I pride myself on having the right words written in a card or perfect present.

Even with people with whom I ended on bad terms, I still end up remembering birthdays or other significant dates where I would usually be around or reach out. In most cases, I ended the relationship. If someone broke ties with me, I don’t reach back out, or rarely ever have a reason to. Seeking closure is futile and unnecessary, and you rarely re-enter a space with that person feeling better than you did when you just weren’t in communication anymore.

For me to be driven to the point to really sever ties with someone, they have to have done something really morally or legally wrong. My tolerance has gotten lower, so I endure negativity less, which means I have the self esteem to recognize when I am being mistreated.

Thankfully, it’s not a decision I have had to make often over the duration of my entire life, but unfortunately, it is one that I have made repeatedly over the past few years. This is because I am now processing these actions and moments as an adult with an understanding of the abuse/trauma I have endured and accumulated. It took longer than I would have liked and I carry a lot more pain in my heart for it, but I did realize I I deserve immensely better.

Actually doing something with this information and realization can be scary when you have the language for it, and also accept what happened to you as a fact, because you might be alone in your decision to cut ties, might be pressured to reconcile/patch up, maybe your feelings and evidence for making this difficult decision are invalidated and gaslit by both the abuser and their friend group or family members. It is difficult and uncomfortable and isolating to decide you don’t want to deal with someone who is bad for you anymore.

For a long time, I followed a pattern of setting aside my trauma, anger, and pain because it was someone’s birthday, the holiday season, a new year, some family occasion, or other “important” event. But no event is important enough for me to sideline my self worth and mental health because it would make everyone else more comfortable within a shared network that I not think so-and-so is an abusive piece of shit anymore. If I got over it. If I appeased people’s discomfort with having to be held accountable, or holding someone in their network/friend group/family accountable for how they treated me, someone who everyone in this circle also claims to care about.

You can’t care about me and the abuser at the same time. I am not putting people in positions of having to pick sides, don’t worry if you ever have to be given that unbearable burden. I’ll make it very simple. You don’t have to pick sides.

Because you are literally either an advocate and supporter of crimes, injustice, and evil, or like me, you don’t tolerate it either. Passively or directly, the relationship doesn’t matter. Complacency with abuse is an issue because you’re deciding it’s not worth you getting upset about, which means you don’t care about the harm done to me. So you already made where you stand clear. Being polite, civil, hanging out less, maintaining social distance? That’s also just a half ass attempt at not fully committing to what you think of either person.

I shouldn’t be the only one making tough decisions, because part of what makes those decisions tough is how many people will still want you to suck it up. Some won’t believe you. Some won’t care either way.

I had my eyes opened up so painfully wide and often this past year. I made a couple of poor decisions in who I was friends with. I tolerated family members because cultural norms demand I keep my mouth shut, not be sensitive, and be respectful towards people who threatened to kill me and got very close to doing so.

I have to stand my ground. And if my situation sounds like yours, you have to make the moves that will save your life and stand your ground, too. Yes, it’s the holidays, but you are under no obligation to grin and bear it. You don’t grin and bear it through your life, especially not what is supposed to be a happy, warm time and end to a year.

I was given a soft plead to “patch up” with someone in my family, and I had to stifle the misguided guilt I initially felt for “causing drama” by deliberately opting out of scenarios where I would have to interact with them much less so interact in praise or respect of them.

I made my position clear. “Do not ask me to do that. Do not expect that of me. That person means nothing to me, and just because we share DNA, that doesn’t mean I have to do anything in regards to them.” I do not wish that person ill will, I do not seek any sort of revenge, and have not hurt them in any way. I cut ties and communication, for myself. I will be not vilified for that when the actual villain won’t even be vilified for actual bad things they did.

It was only uncomfortable to say this and clarify this to people because of the pushback I received from them, people who don’t empathize with me or think my feelings or safety is as important as this outward image that I have a thriving friend group and perfect family, with no infighting, drama, or dark secrets whatsoever.

One keeps me alive, the other is a lie. What I choose to uphold also tells me what I think I deserve and how valuable I consider my own safety and sanity. And granted, it is not any easier or safer to disconnect sometimes because cultural and situational consequences can often be worse than just silently taking the disrespect, mistreatment and abuse.

But I’m almost 25, and it’s gone on too long. I don’t want the feeling of being respected within my basic human rights to ever become foreign or new or refreshing because I suffered for so long, and then chose to lay low and suffer some more when there was an inkling of risky hope to get the hell out. I don’t want to normalize this for myself. I don’t want to believe this is the way it is and will always be.

I don’t want other abused people to tell me I shouldn’t complain because they had it worse or developed some Stockholm’s Syndrome like relationship to their abuser or to other new, abusive people who treat them terribly as well. I don’t want to hear about how pathetically sensitive, theatrical, and self-victimizing I am just because I decided I don’t want to be screamed at, threatened to be killed, harassed, judged, and have shit be broken around me or thrown at me. I don’t want to be asked “When was the last time I hit you?” Or “When was the last time the cops needed to be called?”, as if the time lapse from one violent event to another being wider is called improvement, when it should not be happening at all.

I have higher standards for humanity, for the humans I surround myself with, and for the human I want to be. I’m obviously not perfect, but I don’t deserve violence, disrespect, or abuse. No one gets to inflict that on anyone. No one deserves that.

I don’t give a shit about an evil person’s birthday, if they have a merry Christmas, or a happy new year. I won’t be at these peoples’ weddings, I won’t be impressed by anything they become or accomplish. I won’t have their cell phone numbers, emails, addresses, and eventually, I’ll forget their birthdays or their faces. If they somehow become parents, which scares me for those children, I won’t have any connection to the partners or to kids, unless it is to warn them. If I don’t seek legal action, I can at the very least just do what keeps me safe, happy, and healthy, surround myself with and build myself a community that takes care of each other.

I’ll remember how much strength it took to protect and defend myself, to pick myself, to celebrate myself, and to rebuild myself, and how alone I was in so much of this journey. I will not be guilt tripped, shamed, undermined, or sucked back in. I will be thankful for the people who stood by me, found me and picked me to be in their circle of love and trust, and stay there today. I will celebrate the big days with them. They deserve my energy and attention in the best possible, most positive way.

This is who I want to be and how I want to run things.

[lovehaswonangelnumbers]

New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/prepare-for-eclipse-energies-to-arrive-in-july/

Prepare For Eclipse Energies To Arrive in July

Prepare For Eclipse Energies To Arrive in July

By Diane Canfield

Blessings Beloveds,

July will be a powerful energy month due to the two eclipses coming in that coincide with the New Moon and Full Moon. ( details at the end of the article )

Eclipses ALWAYS  bring in powerful and massive NEW energy and this July will be no different. New Moons and Full Moons always amplify other energies that are occurring, so this will be a month full of energy aspects.

These two eclipses will help to bring in the New energy for many of TRUTH, as this is a very important part of the Ascension process. The truth must be faced for each person, not only to be come their authentic self but also to dispel the illusions they have about themselves and others.

It is only when we are able to face the truth that our evolvement takes on a life of it’s own propelling us to higher and higher dimensions in our awareness. I was able to find TRUTH early on in my journey of Enlightenment and now I am able to teach others how to go about finding it for themselves.

The New Moon /July 2nd falls in the sign of Cancer and the effects are already here. Cancer is a water sign and you may be feeling the need to be close to water. Do everything you can to satisfy this craving. I went out yesterday to a local park where I could sit next to a lake and it refreshed my light body immensely. Don’t dismiss this aspect, it can be very powerful. Cancer is also a very feeling emotional sign, so don’t be surprised if hidden emotions now come in that you have put aside for a later time.

The full Moon July 16th falls in the sign of Capricorn, this is an earth sign so be sure to take advantage of grounding as I talk about this later in the article. This will ground the energies in so the symptoms will not be so severe and you will become one with the full moon and eclipse. Capricorn is very down to earth and sensible, so now is the time to prepare in ways you have never thought of before for the future. Pay close attention to the thoughts that come in to help  you in your journey.

We have already been feeling the effects of the July 2nd  New Moon/Eclipse Energy coming in.

Some of the Ascension Symptoms you might have felt this past week :

Sleeping schedules off and trouble sleeping

Headaches

Feeling disconnected to reality

Feeling as if you are in void and nothing matters

Bizarre dreams

Extreme tiredness ( although today my full energy is back )

Nausea

It is very important to stay grounded during the entire month of July. This means going  out into nature and literally grounding yourself to the earth. I would advise doing this at least once daily for the entire month.

If severe symptoms show up, ground up to ten times a day. This is the only thing that has been proven to reduce ascension symptoms by a very large degree. The reason for this is because through the years of 2010 through 2016 when ascension symptoms were very strong physically,  I discovered that grounding many times a day was the ONLY thing that took away my symptoms. I went through VERY painful symptoms during those years especially the earlier years. I will be going into more detail into what these very unusual symptoms were for everyone, as more of the population is starting now to experience these for themselves.

Here is the video link to my grounding video

I have a very long history of dealing with Ascension Symptoms and I know what works and what does not. Grounding is one of the main things I have advised for many years.

Be sure to drink plenty of water and rest when needed. I will be updating on ALL symptoms as the month progresses, as they occur.

The July 2nd New Moon

On July 2nd there will be a total solar eclipse but it will not be visible from the USA. The eclipse will last about 3 minutes. This also coincides with the New Moon.

On July 16/17 there will be a partial lunar eclipse which also will not be visible from the USA. This also will coincide with the Full Moon.

Stay tuned for more ENERGY  UPDATES  as they arrive 🙂

*****

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