#but the nurse was telling me to relax and i physically couldnt

[sankttealeaf]

health update: i have hemorrhagic cysts on my left ovary :) so thank you to the doctor who said it was just painful periods!! so fun!!

[fagsex]

i had been too scared for years to check up on this really shitty thing from when i was a kid because his name his face the building they all made me nauseous and i knew if there was any justice at all it would be too little. i researched it today and turns out i was right. fucking scum got let go and all charges dropped for lack of competency. should that not speak more? when he was initially charged, it was on cnn, usatoday, cbc, covered so much that ive had friends ive made over the years in different states tell me they heard about him. ive found news articles in french about him. and yet not a word from any source outside of local about how he got fully away with it.

this is a weird thing for me to be randomly rambling about but sometimes it just hits me what happened. dr howard schneider of jacksonville florida, the only pediatric dentist to take medicaid in the largest city by area in the fucking continental united states, tortured, not exaggeration, tortured children for 30 years. at least.

when i say im afraid of dentists, im testy around dentistry, and teeth, and so much related things to it, everyone brushes it off easily as a common fear. which is naturally how he got away with it for so long. we were children physically restrained with leather straps. the doors were locked, parents werent allowed to come back, at a pediatric dentist. there were patients with teeth they just got being ripped out of their heads. i was either never given anesthetic, or, on more than one occasion, given so much i violently threw up, while lying down, restrained. i was seven years old tied strapped down choking on my own vomit with a bubblegum gas going in my nose. i can still smell it.

cold air still makes me nauseous. gas masks make me anxious. i couldnt lie down or feel relaxed anywhere that wasnt my bedroom for years. i would be sent to the nurses office as a kid, and refuse to lie down, because i felt like if i did, pain would begin. i would go in for a checkup and leave with too tight, too wrong crowns, covering my teeth. often, my teeth were not inspected or cleaned beforehand, just straight in with the drill. adult clamps in a childs mouth because i was being 'a whiny brat'.

have you ever been to a dentists office, or any medical office whatsoever, where an entire wall was a mirror? i could see myself held down and put through hell. i was too scared to put anything in my mouth at home, it repulsed me, not to mention my gums, my cheeks, the roof of my mouth, tongue, everything hurt so bad. i figured out later it wasnt normal, he was slicing them with a scalpel, with a pick, anything and everything. he put a hole in my sisters cheek. my baby sister walked, toddled out of there with a hole in her cheek after her first check up. we still went back, we couldnt afford anyone else, and he kept telling us how much work my mouth needed. he kept trying to convince my parents i may need braces, but i had the straightest teeth my parents had ever seen.

my heart still drops when i hear a drill, any drill. certain smells make me feel like i cant speak or breathe. my own mother screamed at me for being dramatic, for complaining so much. she said itd only hurt if i didnt listen, and he said the same. he said id be in trouble, big trouble if i told, and i remember it clear as day. he put on a movie on the ceiling tv he bought with the money medicaid gave him for ripping our milk teeth out, and it was the same movie everytime. some people dont understand that even the silliest, oddest thing can scare you if it sticks. he put his hands on my neck several times to restrain me and keep me from moving, and had me stare at the ceiling, and as fucking lame as it sounds, i could not listen to jerry seinfelds voice or participate in any bee movie jokes that became en vogue in 2016 or so, because i was legitimately terrified.

my own mother would mock my fears of putting things in my mouth to clean them, saying that if i was actually scared, i'd want to clean my teeth more so i'd see him less. it wouldn't matter what i did. and a scared 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 year old doesn't have that logic. i was just a lazy kid with disgusting teeth who was scared of the dentist, to everyone. in late 2019, the crowns he gave me all exploded, and took my teeth with them. four, five of my teeth were slowly destroyed and chipped out of my mouth. and every day i had to feel that scraping again, the cutting up of my mouth, how it filled with blooded. i couldnt talk or eat, but my family saw that as a positive, and i was too ashamed to tell them my teeth broke in my mouth. i knew they would see it as a sign of how disgusting i was. to be in my teens, and already have teeth abandoning me.

the state of florida forgave this. over 100 parents and children presented stories like mine, and he was still forgiven. i dont have a reason for sharing this, not now, not really. its not a special date, nor recent news. i dont even have some message behind this, other than oversharing. it was not just him either. it was every adult who did not listen or care, i suppose. it was the nurses there too. it was the state, it was his attorneys and lawyers that he could use his millions on that he made putting patients off anesthetics in papoose boards.

he was never even charged with child abuse, but fraud. the money was the most important thing the law found. i didnt smile with my teeth for years, my sisters speech was delayed for years, i had panic attacks in the middle of the day in middle school over a cartoon bee, ive had to remove 4 shattered teeth from my head and have several other teeth reconstructed where he broke and did not fix them,i was blamed for all the dental problems that suddenly appeared in my mouth when i began going to him, ive been belittled my entire life for such a childish 'fear', and that was never in question. just the fact he took my teeth to make money, that he put me and thousands of poor children, in both senses of the adjective, through hell to charge medicaid.

anyway what the fuck right. im sorry i dont know why im writing this all out right now but it just feels so stuck inside me that itll burst from my chest if i dont write it out. its actually relaxed me quite a lot. if you live in florida or georgia and you see some old bitch who looks like this just feel free to get him on sight 🤙

[coridallasmultipass]

Tmi / talk about menstruation and iud / venting / but i just wanna get this out, and maybe someone else is in the same boat as me because ive never been able to find any accounts of similar experiences ... I wanna preface this by saying im 26 and have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia/chronic pain, which is probably related but i dont know how. I normally have super heavy periods and debilitating cramps, along with discomfort during penetration (or similar activities) on some occasions. Ive tried a couple different birth control options over the years and each one has given me constant cramping. Its weird because the cramping on the pill (2 or 3 different kinds of BC pills in different times of my life) and depoprovera shot were the same in that i would get terrible cramps whenever i did any kind of activity but especially when i stand up from a sitting position. I remember being in college and standing up and having to immediately sit back down hunched over until it passed. I got the depo shot a few months ago and it was the worst thing ever. I had severe cramping with all kinds of movement (and havent been able to even touch myself without setting off the cramps) and after a month of it i started bleeding for a month straight until a doctor gave me estrogen pills on top of it to stop the bleeding. The pills stopped the bleeding but not the cramps, so the plan was for me to wait it out and try an iud next since the medicine would be administered locally instead of by pill or shot through my whole body.... three months during the depo shot i could not exercise or do any physical activity, which of course is making my fibromyalgia and mood worse. I feel like ive lost a whole year to the depo shot, on top of other health problems that have been acting up before the depo. It sucked and im not trying it again. I had about 2 weeks until the mirena iud insertion where i was taking the estrogen pills and still cramping (along with getting a full heavy and bad cramping period during the vitamin-pill week while i waited for the prescription to come in. The cramping was so bad i almost wanted to go to the emergency room, but it lessened by the next day even if i was still going through so many pads.) Before the iud insertion i took a pill the night before which the doctor said could help loosen up my organ to allow for easier insertion since ive never had a kid. I knew i could expect a lot of pain given how sensitive i know i am, but the few people ive heard get them said it was only really painful during and they were fine after, so i figure i could be strong and deal with it if its going to help stop my monthly cramping and bleeding. Turns out the insertion was the worst pain ive ever felt in my life. Normally having a speculum put in already puts me in considerable pain (a speculum feels like a shard of glass shoved in me) but it pales in comparison to getting the iud. I was crying out and struggling to stay still during the proceedure but once it was over i hoped it would start to feel better. It burned with pain and still does days later. I didnt realise i would get severe cramping immediately after the insertion, but i could barely stand up. The doctors had to let me stay in the room for like a half hour before i could limp back to the car. Im lucky i had my mom to drive me home because i could still barely breathe it hurt so badly. I took tylenol about a half hour before the proceedure but i dont think it did anything. I couldnt take advil because of other medicines im taking. So the only other thing i could do is lay there screaming in pain with the heating pad pressed on me. A few hours later my mom had to call an on-call doctor from the same hospital and he said to go to the er so we went. The rest of the night is kind of blurry i was in so much pain and could barely think. The er gave me a painkiller and later a muscle relaxant before telling me i have to stop my other meds so i can take advil. I was there for like 6 hours i think, feeling waves of terrible cramps that feel like a knife is slicing the inside of me - the same feeling as the iud insertion. I feel bad for everyone who had to hear me screaming every 10 minutes and my mom who had to stay with me. The doctors kicked me out immediately after giving me advil and i went home barely able to even walk or move. It took me another 2 hours to manage to fall asleep even though i was so exhausted and had the worst chest and body pain from being so tense at experiencing the worst pain of my life. Nornally, if unmedicated, ill get periods so bad im screaming in pain, but it will only last 1-2 hours until the advil or tylenol kicks in and dulls it down to a bearable ache, so this iud was supposed to be my fall back on options to eliminate cramps. (I really wish the doctor would just let me get a hysterectomy i dont ever want kids and this whole situation is giving me severe gender dysphoria) Yesterday i spent the whole day sleeping off my traumatic er experience and today im still getting really horrible waves of cramping and nausea. Thankfully im not bleeding (...yet?) But it still feels like having a tampon being yanked out of me that wont come out. The knife feeling isnt there so im not screaming, but the cramps are still so bad and i dont know if i need to take it out. The er doctor said to take it out if the advil doesnt help, and that this is most likely anxiety making the pain get out of control. The er nurse said this is normal. Like??? How the fuck to people deal with this im scared about taking it out because thats probably going to hurt even more. I forgot to ask my prescribing doctor if theres a risk for toxic shock or something but like i dont have a fever its just so painful feeling it there. The placement is "right" according to the ultrasounds but it hurts so much and is still giving me cramps I really dont know how anyone could deal with this the whole thing is so upsetting i want it out but i dont want to deal with the proceedure to get it out and that same severe cramping i dont think theyll allow it to be a surgical removal but i wont be able to sit there and deal with it again!!!! Just thinking about all of it is giving me more anxiety too, i have such dysphoria about my internal organs and such a terrible phobia about even having them!!! This amount of cramping should not fucking be "normal" i hate being invalidated at the er like that God i just dont know what to do the cramping is so bad and im still scared of getting an ulcer from the advil. Thats another thing. A year ago i got an ulcer from taking advil because of period cramps, so ive been suffering taking tylenol! Thats why i want a BC that works to get rid of cramps and bleeding!! Now here i am with the worst cramps and bloating of my life!! How am i expected to function like this!!! I dont remember half of the past few days because ive been in so much pain!!! I can only hope this gets better because it feels worse today than it did yesterday, even if its not as bad as the day before when i had the insertion done. The doctor said if im still having the same kind of cramps ive been getting with the other types of birth control after a month i can look into other options (hopefully hysterectomy!!) But thats so far away and i havent been able to practise driving or apply to any jobs because i cant fucking do more than sit or lie down because of the god damn cramps Ive lost like all my personality and enjoyment of life and lost any one i could call a friend because this is consuming me and i cant fucking do anything i hate it i just want something to go right for once i want to be able to exercise again i love exercising and i havent been able to go for a walk without getting winded and severe cramping I cant even find other people that get cramping on birth control when standing up or doing activities so i dont know why this is happening to me ive looked everywhere i can and all i get is dysphoria because """"mensutruation is a womens health problem"""" and my phobia of pregnancy makes it impossible to browse forums I dont know what my point to all this is i just really need to vent because i feel so alone with this specific problem Life sucks and then you die i guess lmao

[becomingstrong1289]

4/22/17

This week with Josh has been so frustrating. I have been mad this whole week. i actually considered keeping the kids this weekend instead of them being with him. this is the first time i have done this. after meeting his gf and not getting an apology. Monday i asked him for an apology and he looked at me and asked for what. So I had a conversation with a float nurse who is my situation 20 years from now. Her ex husband was abusive in a different way. They had 3 kids together. Her youngest would cry when going to her ex like Owen does when i leave him. She knows how heart breaking that feeling is. Her other kids adored her ex. They were never able to coparent. At events they would leave her and go sit with him because they didn’t see him. But even when they lived with him they still sat with him. I read on my coparenting facebook group that a woman was hurt because her kids were not allowed to make contact with her in public because the father would punish her kids. Alysca does it to Vanessa too. Shes so conditioned she wont even say hi when her mom isnt around. So i know that is a real situation that could happen. So Stacy, the float nurse, stayed hurt for a very long time in many situations because her and him could not get along and the kids were forced to pick sides. Now two of her kids are living with the father and since they moved they have been brainwashed into not talking to their mom. She aches for them. We are pretty much strangers and everytime she walks into our office she tells us about her kids. I can see Natalie doing that to me. Shes a lot like me and i eventually walked out on my mother to live with my dad. My mom was a shitty mother and physically and emotionally abusive. i yell at the kids but i dont beat them or call them names. i try my best but im the discipliner and josh is the weekend dad. Stacy talks about overcompensating with her youngest because she doesnt want to lose her. I do that with the kids. i go out of my way sometimes to make them happy. My biggest issue and regret is being on my phone when theyre around. its just my way of unwinding from my day and staying calm. im so tired when i get home from work and then there are 500 more things to do. i think if me and shawn get together and i have a little extra help my relationship with them will be better. right now there is only one of me and two of them and they are in such different stages of life. its hard to accommodate both of them. my other issue is my high cleaning standards. i need to relax and put it off til the weekend. shortcuts are okay sometimes. but it makes me feel like a failure. So anyway, after that conversation i really started thinking about withholding the kids for the weekend. i really didn’t see it fixing anything. it would just be rocking the boat. So i decided to talk to him first. i brought owen to the park and he called me. So i told him i was thinking about keeping the kids for the weekend and asked him why he thinks i would have to do that. i realized during this conversation that i have to talk to him like i would have to natalie. That they have the same social knowledge. He first said it was about the paystubs. It took him 11 days to send his paystubs to the lawyer and that was only after i asked for it. i told him that that was a frustration but not the reason. Then i asked again. He finally admitted that it was prolly cuz of courtney. And then i brought up how he wouldnt apologize to me on monday. he told me that he was just thinking about dropping the kids off and not about what happened. I told him that it hurt me so much on saturday that i could barely get out of bed. that i was suppose to do something very important that day but i couldnt do it cuz i was so hurt and depressed. i told him i cant be a good parent and hurt all the time. he admitted that he SHOULD HAVE apologized. they he almost said that he apolo....then he changed what he was saying. it is so hard for him to be remorseful. he just couldn’t say the words. finally, after me nagging at him about not being able to say it, he said he sincerely apologizes to me. i bet his mouth was bleeding after that. then i changed the subject a little. i asked him why he would let me go after his gf like that. he wouldnt really answer. he basically said that he was holding owen and didn’t want things to escalate by asking me to stop or leave. the truth is that i was holding owen the whole time. and he never defending her, me or the kids, only himself. he threw her to the wolves like he did to me with alysca. i told him that once i was courtney and i know what its like to have someone you feel should protect you and doesn’t. i told him that he doesn’t know how to love people and he should think about why that was his reaction because that is really important. This whole week ive been sending him quote and descriptions of sociopaths. He fits him to a tee. I dont know if he thinks so or not. theres really no cure for it. he thinks hes better than other people, he doesnt think he needs to apologize for hurting others, he doesn’t know how to love people. so in the end i asked josh if he wanted our relationship with our kids damaged because we couldnt get along. he said no. i told him i want to try coparenting again but i need a break. i said maybe around owens bday ill start talking to him again but until then its just the kids and the divorce that will be talked about. and even that will be minimal. so i fucked up and forgot owens medicine at drop off. it just didn’t cross my mind. so tonight im going out of my way to go skating with me dad. i think ill just drop off the meds with his grandma. i dont want to see the house or let the kids see me and hear owen cry cuz im leaving. it will break my heart. i dont want to see her car there. i dont want any part of it. 

Something very cool is happening to me. i started seeing Luann again for weight management. i have been basically plateaued at 220 since july 2016. i started creeping up again during the holidays and got back down and then i started creeping again so i made the decision to start weight management again. this is the only way i have ever been able to lose weight. as of yesterday i was down to 217.8. i finally got over the first hump. my next will be 210. that is where diane told me she weighed in at. if i can get under that ill be skinnier than her. 200 will be a huge one. i havent been under 200 since my jr year of hightschool. it would be amazing to be close to that when i go on vacaion. my ultimate goal is 180. when i was eating my normal amount of food i was always afraid of not getting enough nutrients if i ate smaller portions. today i kinda realized that i only eat a certain amount of food per day, say 1500 calories. Those 1500 calories better be very nutritious.  this week i ate basically a dairy product and fruit for dinner, a meat and veggie wrap or salad and meat and veggies for dinner. i did eat one sweet potato once this week. i found some bread that is 35 calories per slice and had a couple pb and js. its not perfect but its working. my snaking was out of control before i started the meds. i would just eat constantly. i was like a smoker with unsalted nuts and prunes. i listen to my dad and his diet stuff but i have to remember that he isnt to his goal weight. he still eats fast food and goes crazy on cheat days. i dont need cheat days. i like my cooking and i love veggies. why would i pick pizza when i can eat a steak and asperagus and mushrooms instead. tonight im going skating. idk if hes gonna wanna go out or not but im gonna try to get a salad or something similar to that. i can alway bring it home and eat it tomorrow or for lunch. no biggy. i feel like shit when i stuff my face. its painful. im waiting for shawn to notice im losing weight. that is going to be really cool when he says something about it. 

[sassysaysfucku-blog]

Im not really sure how to start this out for it to flow well so Im just going to jump into it and hopefully yall can follow. On September 9th 2016 i attempted suicide. I downed a bottle of vodka and about 30 muscle relaxers. I didn't take the pills all at once, i dont know if my intention was to die or to just take all the emotional pain away to be honest. So i took a few at a time..and continued doing that until i passed out. I was in and out of sleep, my body felt really heavy and i could feel my lungs starting to go in to paralysis. At this point i was somewhere in between fear and relief. It was almost over. I wouldnt hurt anymore. But let me tell you, no matter how much you want to die, actually feeling yourself dying is really fucking scary. I dont know how long this went on but i was asleep again when my mom came down stairs and started freaking out and shaking me. I could barely open my eyes to look at her. She called an ambulance and some how i managed to walk upstairs by myself. And then i must have blacked out again and i woke up in the ambulance (those people were super rude to me btw). At the hospital i was in and out, every time i woke up i asked for my mom and they lied to me and told me she wasnt there and she was because she followed the ambulance, i saw her driving behind us. They didnt let her see me for about an hour and at that point my sister and brother in law were there. I vaguely remember waking up when they came in the room. They wouldnt pump my stomach they were just going to let the drugs run through my system. Well i fell into a coma. I was out for 4 and a half days. I had swelling on my brain and abnormal brain function. They didnt think i would wake up and if i did they thought i would be brain dead. They tried to bring me out the coma a few times but i was unresponsive. From what ive heard my eyes were dead. They were open but i wasnt there. When i finally did wake up i had a tube down my throat (because i aspirated into my lungs) and a room full of people crying because i was finally responded. (I tried to pull the tube out lol and when the doctor took it out it was quite painful). A lot happened to me while i was out though. I had a nurse that didnt pump my lungs like she was supposed to which could have killed me and the doctors tried several different medicines on me. When i woke up my memory was so bad i couldnt remember something for 2 seconds, i couldnt work my phone, i couldnt walk, and i talked really funny and slow. I was in the icu for two or three more days after i woke. Once i could..kind of walk again they put me in the psych ward for 5 days. That place... it could honestly have been worse but every second i was in there i just wanted to cry. Now the thing about the muscle relaxers i took is they dont run through your system the way normal ones do. They attach to your neurons and once you think youre done detoxing off of them another wave hits you over and over again, and id start feeling all messed up again and slow and my legs would feel like jelly. I went through this up until my 3rd day in the psych ward. At least it was really strong until then. I didnt start getting back to at least semi normal until about a month after i got out. I was still talking funny and my memory was still awful, and its still pretty bad but im decent at hiding it now and i talk normal. My sister and her husband didnt leave my side the whole time i was in the hospital until i had to go up to the psych ward and then my sister visited me every chance she got along with my mom and Danny (my boyfriend.) My sister and her husband helped me so much while i was in there and took me into their home and helped me even more once i got out and even decorated a room for me and everything and ill never be able to express how thankful i am for that. And im so thankful for my boyfriend sticking by me through all of that and his family for being so understanding. And my mom for welcoming me back home with open arms when i was finally ready and for never losing hope. So, why did i do it? Ive struggled with depression since i was about 12 and about that same time i started self harming. The self harm didn't last long because hiding the cuts was too difficult. Ive had a pretty traumatic life, but im not going to get into all of that. I struggle with anxiety. I am constantly over thinking something to the point it can make me have a break down over the tiniest thing or make me feel completely insane. I felt like i was constantly fighting with everyone. I felt like i wasnt good enough. And quite frankly my life was falling apart. How am i now? Well to be quite honest i still feel the same way i did then, i just honestly put up with it. Every single day is a struggle for me to make myself get out of bed. To make myself talk to people. To make myself eat. To shower and put on makeup. To go to work. All of it is so hard constantly to the point it makes me physically hurt on top of all my other health issues.90% of the time i dont express this to anyone because people expect me to be 100% okay or else they think im going to attempt again and freak out if i take a nap or go to bed early or dont respond to a text right away. If you actually made it this far, thank you. Im posting this for 2 reasons; 1.) I needed to get all of that off my chest. And 2.) I refused to really talk about it or answer anyones questions about it until now. Im okay with talking about all of this now and if you still have any questions feel free to ask. ~love always, Sassy 💗