#but the limited life song came out today and it's got me feeling. mentally ill

[biweekly-metamy]

94. ultimate price

[canonicallyanxious]

hi, If you are still doing taking asks for the top 5 of whatever, I have one. Top 5 (or 10) scenes in the skamverse?

anon this is a really good ask and i’m unfortunately absolute trash for the skamverse so it’s gonna have to be my top 10 skjdnfskjdnfs in the interest of fairness though I’m going to try my best to limit myself to one scene/clip per season [also cut on this one bc it got long oops]

1. Minutt for minutt [og skam s3]

Words cannot express how much this scene still means to me four years after i first saw it. Like this is the scene that made Even and Isak’s relationship so special to me, this is probably the scene or at least one of them that tipped this show from “oh this is really good” to “i will fucking die on this hill for skam” for me. like, just the tenderness of Isak quietly watching Even as he sleeps. the soft physical affection a mentally ill character is allowed to have on screen. this beautiful yet grounded dialogue about coping with mental illness which cheesy as it might sound is also something i’ve very often taken to heart in my own struggle with coping with mental illness since. like god. truly groundbreaking, honestly.

2. David’s coming out scene in druck s3 ep 8 - “i am a boy. i just have to try a little harder” [druck s3]

this scene came very, very close to beating minutt for minutt and honestly on a different day it might have done so, just today i decided to put minutt for minutt at the top simply because it’s been with me for longer. but i think this was probably the most emotionally moving clip for me in the entire season, and i had the privilege to watch it in real time which makes it even more special to me. it was everything i could have ever wanted from david’s coming out - soft, aching, quiet, devastating writing that broke my entire heart. and “i am a boy; i just have to try a little harder” is probably a line that’s going to stick with me for a very long time. i can’t think of another trans person’s coming out scene in mainstream media that has touched me as deeply as this one.

3. Fatou and Kieu My’s museum date in druck s6 ep 6 [druck s6]

this scene has everything. EVERYTHING. space imagery! soft and tender kisses! hands brushing in the dark! yearning looks! playful banter! serious conversations about feelings that move forward both their development! like it just reminds me so viscerally of falling in love for the first time as a teenager. druck in general i think does a very good job of portraying teen romance but the fact that this teen romance is about two wlwoc [one of whom is vietnamese like bitch!!!!] means EVERYTHING to me. like this more than anything else in the entire skamverse is something I wish my teen self had gotten to see. i’ve probably seen this clip about twenty times because part of me still can’t believe it exists.

4. The Carnival scene at the end of the last episode of skam austin s1 [skam austin s1]

honestly i think the entire last clip of skam austin s1 is just pure excellence [even if they made me watch Meg and Marlon have sex in a car wash smfh]. like one of my favorite things about og skam was how it really gave their characters room to breathe and take their time with their conversations and i think this clip is probably one of the ones that come the closest to capturing that energy for me [no wonder i guess since julie andem was so involved with this season]. but i love the carnival scene in particular because i love the energy it captures in meg’s dynamics with the other characters and it’s just such a nice opportunity for them all to finally breathe after a difficult season. also i will never ever forget the pure euphoria of watching Shay become a confirmed lesbian on screen in real time [even if i still think the way it was done was kinda meh]. i think i was giddy for the rest of the fucking night after i saw that.

5. Nora breaking up with Miquel for good in skamesp s3 ep 8 [skamesp s3]

i actually think skamesp s3 is one of the best remake seasons of the skamverse. An incredible feat for skamesp to make me rank a NOORHELL season near the top, but honestly skamesp s3 is much more than a noorhell season, like i think the story it tells is hard to watch but very important to tell. i especially love this clip because it’s just such a well thought out culmination of Nora’s arc throughout the season. and it’s so devastating in how understated it is. the acting is phenomenal, the lighting is gorgeous, my breath was taken away by the way Nora said “don’t touch me” with her hair blowing gently around her face. just very good.

6. Josh and Nora’s second break-up scene at the end of druck s5 ep 9 [druck s4]

what does it say about me that this is the THIRD BREAK UP CLIP on this list skdjdnfksdnfsdkn. i genuinely did have a really hard time picking one clip for s5 [other top contenders include the last clip of ep 8 and the cuddle clip at the beginning of ep 6] but i went with this one because a. i love to suffer and b. the way josh plays with nora’s jacket and then she gently pulls away and his hands still linger bc he can’t quite bring himself to let her go just yet fucking HAUNTS ME. watching this scene genuinely made me feel like i was going through a break up myself, maybe because it reminded me so much of my own first break up in a lot of ways. kudos to the strong writing and stellar performances from the actors here.

7. Best of Islam [og skam s4]

Yousana the true og m/f relationship i was overly invested in... i miss they... anyway this clip is really good just on its own and i think it’s a good encapsulation of everything i wanted this season to be. i love that Sana got to talk about her experiences and her relationship with her religion; i love that yousef listens to her carefully and talks about his own experiences and feelings; i love their playful energy; I LOVE YOUSEF GIVING SANA THE FLOWER. truly it doesn’t get better than this.

8. Amira and Mohammed get back together at the end of druck s4 ep 7 [druck s4]

i love this scene because i think it showcases the very best of Amira and Mohammed’s dynamic. the way they listen to each other, their playful manner with each other, how utterly taken they are with each other. i love also that Mohammed finally got to talk about his experiences as a refugee and how that connects to his religion. and the whole exchange about baklava still has me so ;-; ;-; the chemistry these two have is absolutely unreal. i will never get over Amira being cheated of the last few episodes of her season. the greatest injustice to experience after a clip like this, truly.

9. Life in Italics [skam austin s2]

aside from the first ep this might be the only clip i’ve actually seen from this season but i stand by this choice sorry not sorry shay dixon performing an absolute bop in a pink wig is just too iconic

10. Crisana cuddle scene in skamesp s2 episode 6 [skamesp s2]

I think I’ve loved basically every remake version of the iconic s3 ep 5 cuddle clip i’ve seen but this one has stuck with me in particular just because it was really special to me to be able to see two girls be so soft and gentle and loving with each other. no excessive make-up, no hypersexualization, nothing glossy or glamorized about it. i honestly often have a really hard time connecting to teen wlw romance but this was one of those times it actually felt real to me. also the song choice for this clip is simply chef’s kiss

Ask me my top 5/10 anything!

[prettywordsyouleft]

50 Questions Tag

Tagged by @g-exo Thank you sweetie! <3

1. What takes too much of your time?

Working and writing. 

2. What makes your day better?

Writing, k-dramas, crafting, bullet journalling, chocolate lol.

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today?

This is going to sound odd, but we have 3 little kittens (and their mama) who we rescued from our horses’ hay shed a few weeks ago. The kittens started on solids like two days ago and one of them hadn’t pooped and was pretty full. After some assistance from me, she went and pooped. I could have cried with pure happiness. Poor thing was so uncomfortable.

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

The world of Howl’s Moving Castle. To be able to use the door in Howl’s Castle to go to different realms and places would be truly magical.

5. Are you good at giving advice?

I believe so. Not so good at taking the same said advice though >_<

6. Do you have any mental illness?

Generalised Anxiety.

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

Nope and I’m grateful that I haven’t :/ << same.

8. What musician inspired you the most?

SHINee as a group. I was in a hard place when I got into kpop with being unable to walk. I was entirely depressed from my accident and thought I would never get anywhere again. Their music gave me an escapism that I needed at first, and then I found the confidence in myself to get back up and try again. 

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

I don’t think I truly know what love is aside from familial love. I’ve not had the opportunity to fall in love. 

10. What’s your dream date?

I don’t think I have one. Something simple yet fulfilling with a person who is actually engaged in the date happenings and wanting to be in my company would be enough for me!

11. What do others notice about you?

I like to give. Everyone who has come across me - whether in passing or actually get to know me, all say that I have this ability to share with others and make their lives brighter by doing so. 

The ones who know me well complain that I don’t know when to stop and rest because I’m so focused on completing my tasks/ giving to others lol. 

12. What is an annoying habit you have?

I guess the above - being too stubborn to know when I need to rest. I’m pretty bad about it. I overload myself and then get too stressed out. It’s something I’m working on!

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

Not applicable to me.

14. How many ex’s do you have?

Zero.

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

6456 is the amount I have on itunes. I have various playlists that I listen to despite my mood though.

16. What instruments can you play?

None.

17. Who do you have the most pictures of?

Uhhhh on my phone it’s Mark Tuan. Followed by Kyungsoo and both Jung/Park Jinyoung’s.

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

Italian Peninsula is my top pick. Other places would be Greece, Japan, Korea and England.

19. What is your zodiac?

Gemini technically.

20. Do you relate to it?

I fall on the Gemini-Cancer cusp and relate to articles I’ve read of Gemini-Cancer cusp people than pure Gemini traits. I’m definitely not an outgoing, carefree person as Gem’s are describe to be lol.

21. What is happiness to you?

My family, friends and even our pets succeeding in life. Seeing their happiness makes me feel good.

22. Are you going through anything right now?

This whole year has been a “going through” kind of year. Every time I think things are settling, another thing is thrown my way. But I’m optimistic it means I’m getting stronger with this testing period. 

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?

Not buying VIP tickets when B.A.P came here for their L.O.E tour. I chose Gold tickets because they had seats and as a partially disabled person through my right leg, I didn’t think I could stand for the duration of the concert. It’s something I’ve regretted for years - they were so amazing to everyone, but those in VIP were so darn lucky with all the interactions they had!  

24. What’s your favourite store?

I guess Gordon Harris, the local art store, because I am always there picking up new stationery supplies for bullet journalling. 

25. What’s your opinion on abortion?

It’s a very personal choice. As a person who wants to be a mother one day, it’s an option I could never ever bring myself to do. However, it’s not my place to judge, condemn or preach at those who feel it’s their only choice at the time. 

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

Kind of? In my bullet journal for the past 2 years I’ve done the whole “19/20 things to do before 2019/2020″ but I don’t have an official bucket list or anything.

27. Do you have a favourite album?

Probably Verse 2 - JJ Project because I listen to it all the time. Otherwise, Good Timing - B1A4 is probably another long time favourite.

28. What do you want for your birthday?

Not really sure... my birthday is hard because it’s ten days before my Dad’s death anniversary. So I just try to do something to smile each year. Maybe go out for dinner to celebrate mine and Mum’s birthday (she’s a week exactly after my birthday)

29. What are most people’s first impression of you?

I’ve been told most people think I’m shy and awkward but once I talk, they are surprised with how engaging I can be in conversation. Which makes me laugh because generally on the inside I’m panicking as I have social anxiety issues. 

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

I’m 32 but people never seem to think it. When I was at university, I was older than everyone else as an adult student but they all thought I was around 20-21 when I was 24+ hahah. 

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

On top of Octavia’s crate which is next to my bed. Or if I need to charge it, I leave it on my desk. I’m a very light sleeper so when my alarm goes off, it doesn’t need to be next to me to wake me up.

32. what word do you say the most?

When I’m talking - “like” (which really annoys me). When I’m writing - “but”.

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

I try to believe I would date anyone regardless of age. But I’ve been known to have put an age limit of no more than 8 years older when I was feebly using dating websites. I don’t actively search for someone anymore, so if they came into my world and matched me well in a natural way, then I don’t think age would deter me. 

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

I’m a bit more carefree on this one... I think it comes from being an older kpop fan and liking on younger idols because there’s hardly any idols left that are my age/older lol. Again as above, I wouldn’t let a younger age deter me in the right setting.

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

Author. I’ve even done those career quizzes on multiple occasions and the first choice is always Author/Writer. 

The second choice people say is teacher. Which I was training to be until my injury. 

36. What’s your favourite music genre?

K-Pop. 

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

I’m happy where I live. I’ve never thought of being able to live elsewhere.

38. What is your current favourite song?

White or Feeling - both by Jeong Sewoon. 

39. How long have you had this blog for?

I started it on July 2nd, 2018.

40. What are you excited for?

Uh, I’m not really excited for anything? 

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

A bit of both.

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

Yesterday I made a new paddock up for our horses, cleaned out my guinea pig’s house, cleaned out the entire bathroom where Byul and her kittens are staying. And then last night I did Chelle Chats which was pretty busy! 

Today I’ve been pretty chill compared so far. 

43. What do you want for Christmas?

I’m not sure. I’m never good at knowing what I want. Better at knowing what to buy others.

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

In high school, it was English and Biology. In university, it was Classics/Ancient History.

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

6

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?  

Not sure. I had an image of how I hoped to be a mother, and continuing on with my art business, but with puberty rocking our house with my sister and my finances taking a nose dive, fertility treatment is long gone sadly. I’ll just think I’ll focus on the now and improve/appreciate what I have! 

47. When did you first get your heartbreak?

I’m sure this question is related to dating but for me, when I was 14 my heart broke when my Nana died. And in 2012, when my Dad was killed was when I gained another ball in my box of grief. Last year was tough losing my dog of 15.5 years too. Got three balls in that box now :( 

As for dating, sure, I��ve hurt from limited attempts to confess and being rejected... but I’ve never had real opportunity for heartbreak like that.

48. At what age do you want to get married?

Lmfao. I’ll probably be single for my whole life. Marriage is so far from the cards for me, I can’t imagine it. 

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

I wanted to be a Veterinarian or Teacher.

50. What do you crave right now?

Food cos it’s 1.34pm and I’ve not eaten yet oops.

Tagging: @this-song-thats-only-for-you @mark-tuan-and-namjoon-lover @katdefbeom @listlessmaenads @tuanyiems @peachyparkjinyoung @jinyoungmoans @ahgase55g7 @itsallabigmess and anyone else who wants to do this! 

[foreverinfinitex]

July 6, 2018

GOT7 Eyes On You World Tour 2018 #EYESONYOUinLA

When my friend and I first found out about GOT7 having a world tour and having a concert in LA, we immediately said “let’s go” “bet” and we waited for the day of the ticket sale and that was already a struggle bc it was so hard to get tickets and my friend was in New York at the time. When we finally snagged tickets (we wanted P3, but got P4), we were so excited and started looking at flights. It was relatively average for HI✈️LA, but we had to wait for my friend’s mom to buy it. When we finally bought it, we were so excited. I can’t explain how happy I was, it was something that motivated me to keep going through the struggles I was facing and motivated me to get a better job and kept me going during school and a new job.

We flew to LA on the 5th 9PM HST and landed on the 6th 6AM PT and let me tell you, my sleeping schedule was really bad already, but the flight made it worse. That flight was one of the most uncomfortable flights I’ve ever had bc the limited space and I could not sleep at all. BUT ISSOK because I was BEYOND excited for the concert later in the day. I kept irritating my friend bc of how eager and excited I was 😂

When we got to the venue, The Forum was really quick and easy with security and tickets, so I was really grateful. The only thing that was difficult was the heat, but it was bearable. (I hope the people who fell ill is feeling bette now!!) The Forum provided games and places to take pictures for the fans, it was really nice and considerate of them! They had big versions of connect four, jenga, peer pong, etc. it was a really great atmosphere with lots of friendly and outgoing ahgases ~

The concert itself. Wow. It’s unbelievable and beautiful and amazing and indescribable. But I’ll try to describe it. While going to our seats, it was 7:56 and the concert starts at 8, so we’re rushing to get to our seats so we don’t miss anything and while going to our seat, we see Joey, Mark’s younger brother, and it was weird to see him so casually like that? I dunno it was a lil funny, but we didn’t bother him, he looked busy and we had to get to our seats. Once we sat down, we got our ahgabongs and phones ready and it STARTED. The opening VCR the Hard Carry Remix and then the rest of the Setlist. It was amazing to be in the same room as them, however big it may have been. They were performing so passionately and so talentfully and it was incredible watching them. The boys were doing what they love surrounded by unconditional love. It was a great feeling to have. It felt so unreal. When I was looking at the big screens, it was like looking through my computer/phone, but then looking at the stage where the boys are actually made me speechless. I couldn’t record the beginning songs like Hard Carry Remix, Skyway, OUT. But I recorded most of it which I was so grateful to. But I made sure I kept my eyes on the stage and the big screen so I wouldn’t miss out the experience and damn I DIDNT. Seeing them in real life and having them in front of us, performing for us, it was so special and so so memorable. We were singing along so much, screaming, loving them so much, talking, discussing, SCREAMING SOME MORE, SINGING MORE, it was amazing. My throat is so sore now. Honestly, I’ll never forget this moment. This concert was worth every penny. I wreally want to get P1 tickets next time and see them up close. I’m so willing and wanting to go to their next tour!!

All the boys are such blessings. Seeing them enjoying the company and performing with so much feeling, it was amazing to witness. They were all so sweet and dorky and just so GOT7, it was such special to see it in person. All the boys were enjoying their time in LA, being happy, they were teasing and playing around with each other, and I really felt like a family in there with strangers surrounding me. I was breathless again when i looked around and saw the green galaxy. It was so beautiful and breathtaking. I started tearing up when the boys started to perform Thank You. Their ending ments were so pure and soft and it was so nice hearing them. Hearing their voices, their singing, them speaking directly from them. Not through a screen or a recording, but really from them and wow their voices are really something. It’s so beautiful and soulful and something I wish I could hear forever. They look so beautiful. It’s like through a screen they look perfect bc it’s a screen, but seeing them in person like that, they are so beautiful. I am most definitely rambling, but I can’t help it. Those past 3.5 hours were the best 3.5 hours of my life. I kept smiling and laughing and screaming and singing. It felt so right being there and singing along with the boys and the other ahgases. Even tho I don’t know Korean, singing the songs was something that just came to me so quickly and naturally. This is the night I want to relive for the rest of my life.

Thank you, Mark, Jaebeom, Jackson, Jinyoung, Youngjae, BamBam, Yugyeom. For everything you’ve done. All the things you guys had to go through, sacrifice, endure, and struggle to get where you are now. To be the people you are today. I can’t imagine how being a kpop idol trainee is, the struggles you faced everyday; mentally, physically, financially, physiologically. I’m so grateful for all seven of you to be here. I know some people think we’re delusional and that we’re putting you on a pedestal, but we’re not and we don’t. We know who you are, or at least what you want to show us, and we try our best to be the most respectful and loving fans. We try to being understanding and supportive and do our very best to make you proud. We know that you’re not perfect and that there are screw ups and mistakes, and that’s okay. You guys are human beings who deal with human being problems and feelings and struggles. The fact that you seven are here, doing what you love, sharing it with us and being the most genuine you’re willing and able to do, means the world to us. We’re grateful for you and everything you do for ahgases. So much could have happened the past 10 years to each of you guys that could have led a different journey than the journey you’re in right now and I’m so eternally glad that you guys have stumbled upon each other’s lives and have become GOT7. I know GOT7 will end eventually bc not everything stays the same forever, but you guys are legends. You will stay in my heart, my mind, my brain forever. Your songs have been instilled in my heart and head and your kindness and love and talent has been ingrained in my brain. I can’t thank you guys enough. You guys have done so much for me and I’m pretty sure for a lot more people as well. This is just the beginning. We’re starting to pave the way and we’re going higher and higher and I’m so proud of you boys. Let’s be by each other’s sides and support each other through everything. I love you. Thank you.

[missgonnabealrightsomedayy]

For the past three weeks, the universe has tested me, pushed me beyond the limits of my comfort. I saw 1027(my birthday) 15 times in 3 days, I knew something was about to happen. I picked up an old journal from when I was younger a few weeks ago, it activated a domino effect. I was thrown into a Major Depressive Episode, I felt everything I felt the day my dad put his hands around my neck and wouldn’t let go. I felt the pain for days, pouring into me bullets falling from the sky. It was destiny for me to take Forensic Behavioral Analysis this semester at FGCU my fucking destiny. Learning to diagnose mental illnesses via the DSM-5 has driven me towards thinking about myself. The mistakes I made, my uncontrollable behavior, saying and doing things that I didn’t want to do or say, impulses, denial, failure to accept accountability, neglecting my responsibilities, has overwhelmed me and haunted me, no mocked me. I flipped into a state of Mania, becoming obsessed with knowing what was wrong with me. I spent days drowning in my own obsession, surrounded by hundreds of papers I had printed out. Medical records, 2 psych evaluations, pages from the DSM-5 covered my bed surrounding me in a circle, while I sat in the middle with my highliter- desperate to diagnose my own mental illness. Flipping between depression and mania every other hour, Ivy called and I told her the truth, I just broke down. I told her what mental illness I think I have and why, tears pouring down my cheeks and snot leaking from my nose; devastated that no one my entire life noticed-except for one person, I pushed back with anger and ran from the truth, I ran far. Ivy tried to cover her eyes, she did not want me to see her cry and talked it out of me, she brought me back to my equilibrium. Before I went to sleep, I saw 1027. I woke up and checked my phone, it was 1111.

The next morning I woke up and packed my backpack, filling it with the school work and studying that I needed to get done and headed to the beach, I needed clarity. I walked farther down the beach than I ever had and set up my blanket, checked the time 1027 AGAIN, and then got to work. After a couple of hours in the sun, a few snacks, and some hard work, I went in the ocean to cool off. I noticed an older woman who was to the right of me, the first time I glanced over I thought it was my grandma, but she had dark hair and I noticed her a couple times after that. She packed up her stuff and was walking past me to leave and looked right at me and said, “beautiful day today, isn’t it?” - her voice was so familiar, sweet, and then my body relaxed, a calm rushed through my body and I smiled looking out at the waves, “yes it is, have a good day”. She smiled a half crooked smile at me and waved goodbye, I knew her and I felt her spirit. I looked down at my phone and it was 504. My spirit guide sent her, to show me they were there and to tell me that my spirit guides will show me the way. I have never believed in a spiritual awakening, until today. I felt crazy not because I was crazy, but because I did not understand what was going on, unable to process the emotions I was feeling and why I didn’t have control over my actions.

My therapist said to me today, “why is it so far-fetched for you to believe that your natural “go-to” emotion when feeling vulnerable is anger? Anger has surrounded you every day of you life, it is part of your trauma as a child, behaviors from your ex boyfriends, and demons you haven’t confronted. When we experience emotions that we have never felt before, that makes us vulnerable. From what you have shared your ex boyfriends wanted you to love them as much as they loved you. When someone finally wanted you to love you as much as they do, you spiraled into a self-destructive behavior pattern because you were vulnerable, and you hit rock bottom.”

I LOST IT and then I came back, with a smile on my face. Of course she asked me how I was feeling-and I told her greatful and I chuckled, I am no longer ignorant. Tonight, Taylor Swift’s re-recorded song came out at midnight. When I was 12 years, Fearless came out and feeds my soul whenever necessary since then. I put my headphones in, took a deep breath, and pressed play. The first strum of the violin sent seratonion rushing to my brain, I jumped out of bed and danced around my room for 30 minutes, dancing in my underwear-like my 12 year old soul rentered my body in its purest form. And I screamed I love myself- and for as long as I can remember, I meant it. That’s when I realized, I don’t hate myself anymore I felt it literally leave my body while I sung my heart out. I don’t hate myself anymore because I understand myself now. I understand myself now, it was never hate, only lost love. I am so proud of myself. Goodnight xoxo 🤍

[bymyblood]

I don’t know if I can work today. I thought I could at first but I’ve been up since 7 and unable to sleep. I got plenty of sleep last night of course, but when I woke up I remembered yesterday and was overwhelmed with sadness. I tried to call Sam a couple of times but he sent me to voicemail. His voicemail box is full so I sent him an audio message through messenger. I have no idea if he listened to it. I want to talk to him so bad. I feel broken. My chest has this awful pain that will not go away. And the only thing I know that will make it better is talking to him. Hugging him. Being in his arms and feeling safe. All I want is him and he’s pushing me away. It hurts so bad. I was going to hug him yesterday but there was never a good moment. My memory is so bad now, after being ill and on all those drugs, and it’s frustrating. I’m not even sure the last time we kissed. It might have been on New Year’s Eve. And that was just a quick peck, barely anything. I can’t remember for sure the last time we had sex either, but I know it was good. The last few times were great, which I remember for sure because we had been having not much/not great sex for a few months there and Sam had been feeling upset about it for a while. We talked about it a lot and it ended up getting better for the last couple of months. I still don’t know what changed to make him break up with me. He has a lot of stressors in his life atm, but he had some before too. I got him through so much honestly. When we started dating, he was in the closet, depressed and suicidal, and was still working as a housekeeper. Since then, he has come out, started his transition, gone through two agonizing psych ward stays, gotten to a better place mentally (though he still has a lot of problems), and unceremoniously gotten fired from the housekeeping job. The being fired had a huge impact on him for sure. But what changed?? I can’t figure it out. We’ve been having problems for months but only recently have they gotten over the top. It started getting really bad around September/October. I got a job in that time. He lost his in November. Here’s a timeline of events: first big fight at the end of September. It was something dumb. I didn’t support him moving out to get away from his mom, and he had expected me to be on board. He felt betrayed, overreacted, and was manic. He said we were over. We talked it out later and he apologized and came back to me. Second big fight in mid November. I spurred it that time, albeit unintentionally. I was going to take his one month on T photos after work but I asked him if I could come over a couple hours later so I could spend a little time with my mom. He said it was fine so casually, but actually was really looking forward to having me over and wasn’t okay with it. That’s where the problem started- the dishonesty. It was such a petty thing, but he was very upset and angry over it and tried to end the relationship again. We had a big long talk about it over dinner at mellow mushroom and we came out feeling great. We decided that we were going to back off a little on our relationship. Take things down a notch- no more living together, more structured time together, etc. It was so great, we saw a movie afterward and everything. That was the peak of our conflict resolution.

Early December, third big fight. Well, less of a fight. He cussed me out (December 5) over the phone because I was pushing his limit with something he didn’t want to talk about. My fault for pushing him, but his fault for overreacting and lashing out. The next day (December 6) he acted totally normal. I told him that the way he treated me wasn’t okay and he said he knew it wasn’t. That was the extent of our conversation. Then we went to the mall and had a good time. The whole time though he was kind of down and depressed. That night I texted him and said I was feeling kind of sad because I knew he hadn’t had a great day- I called it secondhand depression. I shouldn’t have said that because I think it made him feel guilty. The next day (December 7) he texted me at work and said something along the lines of “this isn’t working, I am not supporting you like I should and we need to break up.” Then he realized I was at work, apologized, and said to call him later after tkd. I did so, and he officially broke up with me. It was a long ordeal, all over the phone, and it was awful. I was heartbroken. After we finished talking, I looked at his blog and saw that he was posting suicidal stuff. I was so scared and texted his mom to keep an eye on him. I fell asleep crying. But then the next day (December 8) he did a lot of introspection and found his book about BPD that I gave him months ago and started reading it. He called me up and he sounded really good. It was like a complete turnaround from the night before. He said that he was learning a lot and identifying problems in his behavior. We talked a lot about it and how he was going to study the book and make himself better. I felt hopeful for him. Later that night he told me that he might have made a mistake breaking up with me. We talked a lot, and I sent him a bunch of songs to listen to. I told him that I was still hanging on and that I still believed in him. He said that he was going to learn more about managing his BPD and that he was going to be a better man for me. He asked if we could just be friends for a while until he got his shit together and fixed himself. We agreed on that and he told me he was excited to be friends. (All on December 8) For a few days, that worked out fine. We texted a bit like usual, mostly sending each other links to memes and whatnot.

On December 16, we went downtown to see a movie I’d been begging him to take me to. Lady bird. I told him that’s what I wanted for Christmas. So we went and saw it, and had a great time together, even though I was on my period and crampy. On the way to the movie, he said something along the lines of that he wanted to depropose to me so that in the future he could repropose to me and do it right, and keep things right between us. It was really sweet and made me feel so hopeful. After the movie, we walked around a few places that were still open, and had a good time. Before I start this next bit, a bit of background: sam and I have always disagreed about race stuff. To help explain his views, here is some info about his background: “white trash” family on one side, parents divorced at a young age, raised by a single mom, poor, abused by his stepmom, started working at 15 to support him and his mom. He is one of the white people that has not experienced much of that good ol white privilege. He is a fan of racist jokes, is okay with using the n word, and denies/is not aware of systemic oppression towards black people. I’ve tried to argue with him on it several times, but it always ends badly, so I have learned to just let it go, and he has learned to not make those types of jokes around me. Now, the next part: while we were walking around, at one point we walked in between a big group of white dudes, and I made the mistake of joking that I felt a lot more scared walking through their group than I ever did walking past the homeless black guys on the road. That started it I think. I shouldn’t have said it. We walked through one more store, still had a good time, then headed back to my car. On the way to the car, he said something along the lines of this: “sometimes I wish I would have been been born black. My life would be easier, I would have received more help from the government and I would have had more opportunities.” When he said that I tried not to rail against it too harshly. I said sometime along the lines of “well not necessarily. Because you’re white, you don’t know what it’s like to be black. You gotta remember that many black people are born into poverty and bad situations, so you don’t necessarily know if you would have had it easier.” He got kind of ruffled and quiet after that. Once we were in the car he was acting all quiet and distant so I asked him what was wrong. He acted like there wasn’t a problem for a few minutes but I kept pushing because I could feel the tension in the air. He basically said he was on edge about the race comments we had shared, and we talked about that and it spiraled downward. He said he wasn’t being serious with what he said, he was just joking... why can’t I just take the joke. Why do I always have to take things so literally. He was frustrated. We didn’t argue much; we mostly just shared a really negative tension over it. Honestly it ruined the whole night and tore down the goodness we had started to build back. I wish I had never said anything about it. The next day we talked very briefly and he made it clear he wasn’t in the mood to chat with me. I let him be for a while.

That night (December 17) I texted him about it being a year since I went back to the hospital for the second time. I texted him a picture of himself smiling in the ER right before they moved me to a bed. He asked me to stop, and said that pictures like that make him feel shitty and guilty because he doesn’t love me like he did back then. He said he was trying to forget the past and move on with the future. I countered that in the past he often liked to look back at old pictures like that, and he replied “Not when things are different. Example, I was so happy with you back then, now I’m not. It hurts to look at those pictures.” I apologized and said that I felt sad too, but also hopeful for the future when he was doing better. He said “I wish you weren’t so hopeful.” I said “I wish you weren’t so hopeless.” He said that it’s over between us seriously, that he doesn’t like me anymore and that our disagreement from the day before made him realize that we’re different people now and that we don’t match up anymore. I said please don’t do this, and he said he can’t do it. He can’t make himself feel anything for me and he hates it but it’s true. I told him there is a difference between lack of love and depression, and he said he had both. I said it feels like he’s giving up on both us and himself, and he insisted that he was moving forward with himself. He texted me a picture of some goals he had written down in his notes app. I told him that I couldn’t stand this, that I didn’t understand what happened to get us there. I sent him pictures of a bunch of old notes he had written me during the good times. He said he was so sorry and that he didn’t know things would change back then. I asked why that, just a week earlier when he broke up with me, he ended up calling me later and regretting it. He said he didn’t know, that he kept fucking with my emotions. I told him that I know that the love is still there, that I have seen it from him. I told him I can live without his love for now but that I didn’t want to live without him. That scared him, and he started insisting that I can be independent and do my own thing. He said he didn’t want me to give up on life, and I told him that wasn’t what I was saying. He told me that there are other fish in the sea and that he is sorry for rejecting my love. I told him that I’m not a regular fish and that he’s my person that I picked for life. That made him upset. He said he can’t help that I chose him and that I should stop talking to him completely. I asked him what happened to being friends, he said that he doesn’t want to be friends because we don’t have anything in common and he can’t joke with me. I said he’s forgetting the good parts, that we have tons of jokes together. He said that all that is in the past and that he has changed. I said we had one disagreement yesterday and that it ruined the whole night, but that he was the one that let the disagreement take over and mess up the rest. I told him that our jokes and good times from before are still there. He insisted again that he has changed. I told him the point that I’m making is that he is the problem with the relationship. Him not taking responsibility and not putting in equal effort is messing things up. He said he completely agreed. I told him to not reply, just wait and let me finish. I then sent him a series of lengthy text messages that I will post in a group after this post. One sec.

[ozkamal]

"But the problem with me was that as soon as I started thinking about getting it together, I got this mad craving desire to fuck it up." Rebecca Godfrey“I am an over-thinker and an over-feeler. Over-lover. Over- needer. I would flood you. I would drown your respectable standoffishness. I don’t get over things, but I get under them well. I’d love you and you’d soak me through. You couldn’t handle me even if you wanted to.” Rebeka Anne, some people think I’m too much "I just want to pour my soul out onto someone and not have to worry about the mess I've made" "Sometimes I’m certain  those who are happy  know one thing more than us…  or one thing less."  - Anne Michaels “The Weight of Oranges” “I have this strange feeling that I’m not myself anymore. It’s hard to put into words, but I guess it’s like I was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling.” Haruki Murakami “Find something that you’re passionate about, devote your time and energy to it. But make sure what you’re passionate about is not a person, but a thing.”“I don’t really want to become normal, average, standard. I want merely to gain in strength, in the courage to live out my life more fully, enjoy more, experience more. I want to develop even more original and more unconventional traits.” Anaïs Nin“You have to accept that some people are not made for deep conversations, or for holding you together when you’re about to fall apart, or for keeping you from unzipping your skin, or for talking you out of suicide, or to love you through the worst moments of your life. Some people are made for shallow exchanges, and ridiculous banter, and nothing more. And that’s okay. That doesn’t make them horrible people because they simply aren’t able to handle a storm like you. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you won’t divulge all the gritty details of your horror show. It makes you smart. You have to accept that there will be people that cannot give you what you need. It doesn’t mean they are not worth keeping in your life. You just have to figure out who these ones are before you’re disappointed. And you have to keep them at arm’s length. You cannot expect everyone in your life to understand, to be nonjudgmental, to get it. But that’s okay, because not everyone was made to impart wisdom, or wax-poetic, or speak on politics and the depravity of society, or discuss how crucial it is that the stigma of mental illness be abolished. There are times when you have to get away from all that heaviness. You have to. And you will need superficial conversation about Kim Kardashian’s arse, or a debate on the colour of The Dress. You will need those ones. So don’t go round cutting people off and dropping your friends. You need people for all your seasons. You need people or you won’t survive this.” What my therapist told me this morning“Sometimes I wish I wasn’t as conscious as I am. It would be so much easier.” River Phoenix “I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.”  Sylvia Plath “I’m tired" “Sleep” “No you don’t understand” Do you understand?“What is necessary, after all, is only this: solitude, vast inner solitude. To walk inside yourself and meet no one for hours–that is what you must be able to attain.” Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet “Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll “Reading is not simply an intellectual pursuit but an emotional and spiritual one. It lights the candle in the hurricane lamp of self; that’s why it survives.” Anna Quindle“It would be that time - late at night - when your ears reach for any sound. When you can see more with your eyes closed than open.” Diary - Chuck Palahniuk“I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can’t see from the center.” Player Piano, Kurt Vonnegut “I think I’d like to say only that they should learn to be alone and try to spend as much time as possible by themselves. I think one of the faults of young people today is that they try to come together around events that are noisy, almost aggressive at times. This desire to be together in order to not feel alone is an unfortunate symptom, in my opinion. Every person needs to learn how to spend time with oneself. That doesn’t mean he should be lonely, but that he shouldn’t grow bored with himself because people who grow bored in their own company seem to me in danger, from a self-esteem point of view.” Andrei Tarkovsky “I’m one of those people who believe that words are some of the last forms of magic that exist” Lana Del Rey “She waited for the train to pass. Then she said, “I sometimes think that people’s hearts are like deep wells. Nobody knows what’s at the bottom. All you can do is imagine by what comes floating to the surface every once in a while.”” Haruki Murakami,  Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman “… we are capable of many things in all directions, of great virtues and great sins. And who in his mind has not probed the black water? Maybe we all have in us a secret pond where evil and ugly things germinate and grow strong. But this culture is fenced, and the swimming brood climbs up only to fall back. Might it not be that in the dark pools of some men the evil grows strong enough to wriggle over the fence and swim free? Would not such a man be our monster, and are we not related to him in our hidden water? It would be absurd if we did not understand both angels and devils, since we invented them.” East of Eden - John Steinbeck “I crave so much more than just a physical connection. I crave words and depth. I crave who you are and where you came from, your desires and fears. I yearn to know every inch of you beyond the surface.”“Admit it. You aren’t like them. You’re not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider, watching the “normal people” as they go about their automatic existences. For every time you say club passwords like “Have a nice day” and “Weather’s awful today, eh?”, you yearn inside to say forbidden things like “Tell me something that makes you cry” or “What do you think deja vu is for?”. Face it, you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator. But what if that girl in the elevator (and the…man who walks past [you]…at work) are thinking the same thing? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle. Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence. Trust your instincts. Do the unexpected. Find the others…” Timothy Leary  http://ift.tt/2l1RShO have very intense conversations with friends, people I really interconnect with. We talk about politics, important things. I like to talk about ideas and get people to be specific.” Jacqueline Bisset “Date someone who is interested in you. I don’t mean someone who thinks you’re cute or funny. I mean someone who wants to know every insignificant detail about you. Someone who wants to read every word you write. Someone who wants hear every note of your favourite song, and watch every scene of your favourite movie. Someone wants to find every scar upon your body, and learn where each one came from. Someone who wants to know your favourite brand of toothpaste, and which quotes resonate deep inside your bones when you hear them. There is a difference between attraction and interest. Find the person who wants to learn every aspect of who you are, and hold onto them.”I stopped explaining myself when I realized, People only understand from their level of perception“She’s never where she is. She’s only inside her head.” White Oleander by Janet Fitch“What I hate is ignorance, smallness of imagination, the eye that sees no farther than its own lashes. All things are possible. Who you are is limited only by who you think you are.” Egyptian Book of the Dead“I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body loved. And my soul understood.” Unknown you find a woman with a wild heart do not try to tame her. You must adore her recklessly, the way she is meant to be loved. Do not try to quiet her, for her roars will reach far and wide. She has something important to say. Help her say it. Do not get in her way. She stops for no one. Do not try to change the path she has chosen. Learn also to love the wind and let it change you.” C.B. Wild-Hearted Woman “I am not a puzzle to be solved. I am someone to be experienced- a soul to be tasted” jenn satsun“To be acutely conscious is a disease, a real, honest-to-goodness disease.” Fyodor Dostoevsky, Notes from Underground "Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul."“Sometimes words come out of me and I don’t know where they come from or why. They’re like falling stars tumbling through the universe; bright, burning things that can’t be stopped.” Glenda Millard, A Small Free Kiss in the Dark “That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you’re not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.”“My emotional life: dialectic between craving for privacy and need to submerge myself in a passionate relationship to another.” Susan Sontag, from Reborn: Journals & Notebooks “We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning.” Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood“I remained to much inside my head and ended up losing my mind.” Edgar Allen Poe “Protect yourself from your own thoughts.” Rumi I try to maintain a healthy dose of daydreaming to remain sane.” Florence Welch “I’m self-sufficient. I spend a lot of time on my own and I shut off quite easily. When I communicate, I communicate 900%, then I shut off, which scares people sometimes.” Björk "Desires, memories, fears, passions form labyrinths in which we lose and find and then lose ourselves again." Bernhard Schlink“I’ve always believed one could live many lives…even if just in our imagination. The world is open to us, and each day is an occasion to reinvent ourselves.” Ralph Lauren"I hunger for intensity. For love, affection, for tangible. For ineffable. For infinity. For discovery.  I hunger for knowledge. Life is filled with wanders and wonders. Die knowing something. Die loving something."“I fell in love with books. Some people find beauty in music, some in painting, some in landscape, but I find it in words. By beauty, I mean the feeling you have suddenly glimpsed another world, or looked into a portal that reveals a kind of magic or romance out of which the world has been constructed, a feeling there is something more than the mundane, and a reason for our plodding.” To Own a Dragon: Reflections on Growing Up Without a Father, Donald Miller “Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.” Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Jonathan Safran Foer“I am a jumble of passions, misgivings, and wants. It seems that I am always in a state of wishing and rarely in a state of contentment.” The Sweet Far Thing, Libba Bray “All profound distraction opens certain doors. You have to allow yourself to be distracted when you are unable to concentrate.” Julio Cortazar“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your soul. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.” Franz Kafka“Develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music— the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself.” Henry Miller Maybe that’s enlightenment enough: to know that there is no final resting place of the mind; no moment of smug clarity. Perhaps wisdom…is realizing how small I am, and unwise, and how far I have yet to go.” Anthony Bourdain “Night is purer than day; it is better for thinking and loving and dreaming. At night everything is more intense, more true. The echo of words that have been spoken during the day takes on a new and deeper meaning.” Elie Wiesel, Dawn “And like the sea, I’m constantly changing from calm to hell.” Dallas Green “Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity.” Christopher Morley“I feel so shut out, I’m always homesick. But when I get home. I find it’s something else I’m longing for.” Autumn Sonata “Without deep conversation, my mind becomes restless. I need passion and intellect, it’s a shame that a person often lacks one or the other.”“I didn’t say I liked it. I said it fascinated me. There is a great difference.” Oscar Wilde, adapted from The Picture of Dorian Gray “I want to talk to everybody as deeply as I can. I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night”“Loneliness is dangerous. It’s addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don’t wanna deal with people.” Hedonist Poet“I want to be loved and to be left alone.” David Swanger, “My Mother’s Nudes"“I know nothing in the world that has as much power as a word. Sometimes I write one, and I look at it, until it begins to shine.” Emily Dickinson“I am all in a sea of wonders. I doubt; I fear; I think strange things which I dare not confess to my own soul.” Bram Stoker, Dracula“I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me.” Virginia Woolf, The Waves“Not everyone can feel things as deeply as you. Most people, their feelings are … bland, tasteless. They’ll never understand what it’s like to read a poem and feel almost like they’re flying, or to see a bleeding fish and feel grief that shatters their heart…” Juliann Garey, Too Bright to Hear Too Loud to See “And never have I felt so deeply at one and, at the same time, so detached from myself, and so present in the world.” Albert Camus“My human capabilities aren’t sufficient enough to help translate what my soul wants to express.” JMC“Perhaps the world’s second worst crime is boredom. The first is being a bore.” Jean Baudrillard “We approach the void…but not to fall into it. We want to become intoxicated with dizziness and the image of the fall is sufficient.” Georges Bataille, Death and Sensuality“If you’re ever lucky enough to find a girl who is a hopeless romantic with a dirty mind, you should hold onto that. Because she’ll be yours at two in the morning and at two in the afternoon the following day. She’ll kiss you where it hurts and until it hurts. And that’s important. Someone who not only knows how to turn you on but also knows how to treat you right is someone worth a little something… and a little more than usual.”“I think if we didn’t contradict ourselves, it would be awfully boring. It would be tedious to be alive. Changing your mind is probably one of the most beautiful things people can do. And I’ve changed my mind about a lot of things over the years.” Paul Auster“I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know–unless it be to share our laughter. We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.” James Kavanaugh��Does she scare you a little? Good. She should make you fear her love, so that when she lets you be apart of it, you won’t take it lightly. She should remind you of the power that beauty brings, that storms reside in her veins, and that she still wants you in the middle of it all. Do not take this soul for granted, for she is fierce, and she can take you places that you never thought you could go; but she is still loving in the midst of it all, like the calm rain after a storm, she can bring life. Learn her, and cherish her, respect her, and love her; for she is so much more than a pretty face, she is a soul on fire.” T.B. LaBerge // Things I’m still learning at 25“Everything is strange. Things are huge and very small.” The Waves, Virginia Woolf"We are meant to discover our authentic nature-- the state of being in which we are inspired by ourselves, turned on, lit up, and excited about who we are."  Debbie Ford“Understand me. I’m not like an ordinary world. I have my madness, I live in another dimension and I do not have time for things that have no soul.” Charles Bukowski “All I ever really want to know is how other people are making it through life — where do they put their body, hour by hour, and how do they cope inside of it.” Miranda July, from It Chooses You “I want to meet people with fire in them, burning through life like a forest fire, too many people die out and survive on embers.” Adam Zucconi “A thinking woman sleeps with monsters.” Snapshots of a Daughter-in-Law, Adrienne Rich“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the sky.” Jack Kerouac “The hardest period in life is one’s twenties. It’s a shame because you’re your most gorgeous, and you’re physically in peak condition. But it’s actually when you’re most insecure and full of self-doubt. When you don’t know what’s going to happen, it’s frightening.” Helen Mirren “I love people. Everybody. I love them, I think, as a stamp collector loves his collection. Every story, every incident, every bit of conversation is raw material for me…I would like to be everyone, a cripple, a dying man, a whore, and then come back to write about my thoughts, my emotions, as that person.” Sylvia Plath“I just want to think deeply about things. Contemplate ideas in a pure, free sort of way. That’s all.” Haruki Murakami, Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage “Strangeness is a necessary ingredient in beauty.” Charles Baudelaire “You have to be interested. If you’re not interested, you can’t be interesting.” Iris Apfel “I always thought insanity would be a dark, bitter feeling, but it is drenching and delicious if you really roll around in it.” The Help, Kathryn Stockett “Everybody’s born with some different thing at the core of their existence. And that thing, whatever it is, becomes like a heat source that runs each person from the inside. I have one too, of course. Like everybody else. But sometimes it gets out of hand. It swells or shrinks inside me, and it shakes me up. What I’d really like to do is find a way to communicate that feeling to another person. But I can’t seem to do it. They just don’t get it. Of course, the problem could be that I’m not explaining it very well, but I think it’s because they’re not listening very well. They pretend to be listening, but they’re not, really. So I get worked up sometimes, and I do some crazy things.” Haruki Murakami,The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle“Words weren’t dull, words were things that could make your mind hum. If you read them and let yourself feel the magic, you could live without pain, with hope, no matter what happened to you.” Charles Bukowski (from Ham On Rye)“Certain kinds of knowledge rob people of their sleep.” Haruki Murakami, 1Q84“Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as a consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.” High Fidelity - Nick Hornby “For every devious scream in my head there is a divine whisper and it saves me every time.” VàZaki Nada“In man’s memories there are those things that he doesn’t reveal to all, but perhaps only to his friends. And then there are those he won’t reveal even to his friends, but perhaps only to himself, and even then in confidence. But then, finally, there are those that a man is afraid to reveal even to himself, and any decent man accumulates quite enough of those things.” Notes from the Underground - Fyodor Dostoevsky“I feel too much. That’s what’s going on. Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel the wrong ways? My insides don’t match up with my outsides. Do anyone’s inside and outsides match up? I don’t know. I’m only me. Maybe that’s what a person’s personality is: the difference between the inside and the outside. But it’s worse for me. I wonder if everyone thinks it’s worse for him. Probably. But it really is worse for me.” Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close“In spite of language, in spite of intelligence and intuition and sympathy, one can never really communicate anything to anybody. The essential substance of every thought and feeling remains incommunicable, locked up in the impenetrable strong-room of the individual soul and body. Our life is a sentence of perpetual solitary confinement.” Aldous Huxley“Mistakes are almost always of a sacred nature, understand them thoroughly.”“People who have monsters recognize each other. They know each other without even saying a word.” Benjamin Alire Sáenz“Intimacy is the capacity to be rather weird with someone - and finding that that’s ok with them.” Alain de Botton“Let’s clear one thing up: Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people. We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people.” Laurie Helgoe“Remember that the world began in a manic episode, too. God likes to hoard sharp  things, just like you. We are saving you. And we need to hear it one more time: Who knows best?” Lydia Havens, From the Voices, published in “Pouch” “Keep interested in others; keep interested in the wide and wonderful world. Then in a spiritual sense you will always be young.” Fredric March“fernweh [feyrn-vey]” (noun) This wonderful, untranslatable German word describes the feeling of homesickness for a far away land, a place you have never visited. Do not confuse this with the english word, wanderlust; Fernweh is much more profound, it is the feeling of an unsatisfied urge to escape and discover new places, almost a sort of sadness. You miss a place you have never experienced, as opposed to lusting over it or desiring it like wanderlust. You are seeking freedom and self-discovery, but not a particular home.“Getting lost was not a matter of geography so much as identity, a passionate desire, even an urgent need, to become no one and anyone, to shake off the shackles that remind you who you are, who others think you are.” Rebecca Solnit“Suddenly you’re ripped into being alive. And life is pain, and life is suffering, and life is horror, but my god you’re alive and its spectacular.”“I’m very interested in good and evil and the moral natures of people.” Antonia Fraser“I stay up just late enough until I am just exhausted enough that I can fall into my bed and sink into immediate slumber. Because I can’t stand lying in a bed in a dark room alone with just my thoughts for so many hours and hours.”“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too was a gift.” Mary Oliver“I crave space. It charges my batteries. It helps me breathe. Being around people can be so exhausting, because most of them love to take and barely know how to give. Except for a rare few.” Unknown“The ability to sit down with another person and talk for hours, about anything and everything, is more attractive to me than anything else.” Koi Fresco“The power to bring me out of solitude – or to push me back into it – had never belonged to another person. It was mine and only mine.” Martha Beck“We are travelers on a cosmic journey, stardust swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share. This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.” The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” bell hooks“My life is spent in one long effort to escape from the commonplace of existence.” Sherlock Holmes from The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle “Suffering and pain are always obligatory for a broad consciousness and a deep heart. Truly great men, I think, must feel great sorrow in this world.” Fyodor Dostoevsky (from Crime and Punishment)“Therefore, dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away… and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast…. be happy about your growth, in which of course you can’t take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don’t torment them with your doubts and don’t frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn’t be able to comprehend. Seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn’t necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when you see them, love life in a form that is not your own and be indulgent toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the aloneness that you trust…. and don’t expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.” Rainer Maria Rilke"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights“I felt a queasy mixture of relief and horror: when you finally stop an itch and realize it’s because you’ve ripped a hole in your skin” Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl“He wanted all to lie in an ecstasy of peace; I wanted all to sparkle and dance in a glorious jubilee. I said his heaven would be only half alive; and he said mine would be drunk: I said I should fall asleep in his; and he said he could not breathe in mine.” Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights“I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. You’re all locked up in that little world of yours, and when I try knocking on the door, you just sort of look up for a second and go right back inside.” Haruki Murakami “I cannot stand small talk, because I feel like there’s an elephant standing in the room shitting all over everything and nobody is saying anything. I’m just dying to say, ‘Hey, do you ever feel like jumping off a bridge?’ or ‘Do you feel an emptiness inside your chest at night that is going to swallow you?’ But you can’t say that at a…party.” Paul Gilmartin, The Mental Illness Happy Hour“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!” It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children. It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.” Oriah Mountain Dreamer“I’m half child half ancient.”I am fucking insane but my intentions are gold and my heart is pure“How strange it is. We have these deep terrible lingering fears about ourselves and the people we love. Yet we walk around, talk to people, eat and drink. We manage to function. The feelings are deep and real. Shouldn’t they paralyze us? How is it we can survive them, at least for a little while? We drive a car, we teach a class. How is it no one sees how deeply afraid we were, last night, this morning? Is it something we all hide from each other, by mutual consent? Or do we share the same secret without knowing it? Wear the same disguise?” Don DeLillo“Everyone has a 2 AM and a 2 PM personality.”“My problem is that I fall in love with words, rather than actions. I fall in love with ideas and thoughts, instead of reality. And it will be the death of me.” “My nights are for overthinking, my mornings are for oversleeping.”“Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood"George Orwell, 1984“‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless, it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.’” Louis C.K.“I’m not the same everyday. There are times where I’m loud and chatty, and there are times when I’m really quiet. I don’t think I can define myself.”“Personally, I’m a mess of conflicting impulses—I’m independent and greedy and I also want to belong and share and be a part of the whole.” Richard Siken, Spork Editor’s Pages: Black Telephone“There is no pleasure more complex than that of thought.” Jorge Luis Borges, The Immortal from Labyrinths, “Pick my brain. Ask me about my views on something. Dig deeper than the obvious. Let’s make each other think. Show me a different perspective.”“I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. If you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good.” Roal Dahl "I have the deepest affection for intellectual conversations. The ability to just sit and talk. About love, about life, about anything, about everything. To sit under the moon with all the time in the world, the full-speed train that is our lives slowing to a crawl. Bound by no obligations, barred by no human limitations. To speak without regret or fear of consequence. To talk for hours and about what's really important in life."“Human beings are made of water, we were not designed to hold ourselves together; rather run freely like oceans like rivers” Beau Taplin "You're under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago.""How is it possible to feel nostalgia for a world I never knew?"I am no longer afraid of becoming lost, because the journey back always reveals something new and that is ultimately good for the soul. “Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.” Janet Fitch, White Oleander“No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.” AristotleIt was a joy! Words weren't dull, words were things that could make your mind hum. If you read them and let yourself feel the magic, you could live without pain, with hope, no matter what happened to you.“I am hopelessly in love with a memory. An echo from another time, another place.” Michael Faudet My dear, Find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover. ~ Falsely yours“I don’t like small talk. Talk to me about life. Talk to me about your scars and the concealer you call your smile. Talk to me about the story behind your favorite song. Tell me about your dreams that sometimes seem too big for the Earth to contain. Tell me what wakes you up in the morning before your alarm clock does. Tell me about what makes shivers run down your spine. Tell me about what makes your eyes light up like the stars I can’t see in New York City. Tell me your story.”“Who has not asked himself at some time or other: am I a monster or is this what it means to be a person?” Clarice Lispector, A Hora Da Estrela “I appreciate the people who take time to look at the world a little deeper”Look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Be curious.” Stephen Hawking"I used to think I was the strangest person in the world. But then I thought, there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me, who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there, thinking of me too. Well, I hope, that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes it's true. I'm here and I'm just as strange as you.""There's nothing wrong with not understanding yourself"

https://www.reddit.com/r/quotes/comments/5v96c6/extensionalism/?utm_source=ifttt

[disappearingground]

Jenny Lewis Is Still Figuring It Out

The Cut March 19, 2019

The singer-songwriter’s new album follows a major breakup and her mother’s death.

By Gabriella Paiella

“I feel like I’m living the Laurel Canyon version of the movie Big,” Jenny Lewis says, as she fires up her pinball machine and puts on a hot pink trucker cap that reads “BEST FRIENDS” in black lettering.

The comparison to the 1988 Tom Hanks film — in which a seventh-grader wakes up one day in the body of a 30-year-old man — feels apt when it comes to her décor. Her house, affectionately nicknamed “Mint Chip” for its brown and green exterior, has a full drum kit and a pink girl’s bike (a recent eBay purchase) set up in the entryway to the living room. She’s projecting The Adventures of Mark Twain, an obscure claymation fantasy film from the ’80s, onto a blank white wall. Across from the pinball machine, in her guest room, hangs a oversized promotional cutout for The Wizard, featuring Lewis’s beaming 13-year-old face next to Fred Savage — her thick, red bangs unchanged in the 30 years since the movie came out.

The distinct vibe of kids’ clubhouse–meets–bachelorette pad is most pronounced on her bedroom walls, which a friend recently convinced Lewis to paint a pale, blush pink. The 43-year-old singer-songwriter was so pleased with the color — Benjamin Moore Teacup Rose 2170-50 — that she plans to use it as her stage backdrop when she hits the road this spring to promote On the Line, her fourth solo album.

Lewis has spent decades in the public eye, or at least in its peripheral vision. Her child-actor days gave way to a musical career in 1998, when she formed the band Rilo Kiley alongside fellow former child actor (and then-boyfriend) Blake Sennett. The couple broke up, but the band stayed together, making a handful of moody, memorable records. As Rilo Kiley’s front woman, she sang with an assertive candor, revealing her deepest vulnerabilities around sex and heartbreak and familial relationships through soaring, irresistible power-pop choruses. Her personal style, comprised of vintage baby-doll dresses and an array of rompers, landed on the enviable side of mid-aughts twee. She reclaimed elements of a male-dominated rock scene and made them accessible for openhearted young women. Lewis released her first solo album, the country-tinged Rabbit Fur Coat, in 2006, giving her credibility with millennial indie fans as a stand-alone artist.

Her influence from that era is best summed up by the actress Kristen Stewart, a paragon of blasé self-presentation, who told James Corden that Lewis was the one celebrity she was most nervous to meet. “I couldn’t breathe,” Stewart said of her now-friend. “I literally just completely caved in front of her.” Lewis is touched by this sort of sentiment from early fans, women who heard her music, she says, “just at the perfect age.” It’s an intense fandom, if limited to a certain demographic.

“I get recognized at Whole Foods,” she concedes. “A lot.”

Lewis has always maintained an outward image of alluring self-sufficiency, repeatedly reinventing herself — from child star to alternative front woman to thriving solo act. Now, the indie rocker is figuring out what this new version of independence looks like. Inside her charmed house, underneath her cheerful exterior, she’s working through a heavier chapter in life. That bedroom paint color, the one that she likes so much that she’s hauling it with her across the country, was introduced after her boyfriend of 12 years, musician Johnathan Rice, moved out. Shortly after her breakup, she was dealt another seismic blow: Her long-estranged mother, who frequently appeared in Lewis’s songs, died of liver cancer.

As far as cathartic albums go, On the Line is pretty upbeat. It has a more robust and straightforward rock sound than her previous work, but still hews to her signature style of combining gentle melodies and syrupy, shining vocals with accounts of darkness and desperation, all topped off with a reckless shrug. The new songs are thrillingly unfettered. On one track, she sings about getting “wired on Red Bull and Hennessy,” on another, she sits “in a black Corvette, getting head in the shadows.” Today we’re in for a far more wholesome, laid-back scene: On Lewis’s suggestion, we’re going for a nature hike.

As the two of us trudge up the dusty canyon trail near her house, I’m struck by how much Jenny Lewis looks like Jenny Lewis, even when she’s hiking. Her trademark long red hair is set in soft waves, and her bangs — the bangs that launched a thousand trims — are swept slightly to the side. Before I have the chance to mention it, she calls herself out for wearing “truly the weirdest hiking outfit.” Her tight, ’70s-era burgundy track pants, John and Yoko T-shirt, snug navy fleece, and electric blue sneakers are decidedly out of place among the slew of sweatpants and practical Merrell boots. A miniature gold pot-leaf necklace that she bought on tour dangles at the collar of her T-shirt. Lewis loves weed. “I didn’t smoke weed for two weeks, which was really good,” she tells me. “And then, I did smoke weed. Honestly, I prefer being stoned.” A typical day for her involves waking up around 8:30 a.m., going for a hike or to yoga class, getting some work done, and then getting stoned and playing music, before she settles in to FaceTime her friends, whom she’s leaned on heavily during these past few years. (I’ve caught Lewis in the afternoon, so, do the math.)

Lewis typically divides her time between Los Angeles and Nashville, but took off for the East Village in 2016 to crash with one of those friends — the musician Annie Clark, better known as St. Vincent — after her breakup with Rice. The separation wasn’t dramatic or antagonistic, but after more than a decade the relationship had run its course. “It’s a trip coming out of that,” she tells me. “I was with someone for the second half of my 20s and my entire 30s, so to reemerge in a dating context … ” Lewis trails off, before clarifying that she’s not in any sort of rush to end her relatively new singlehood. She tells me she refuses to get on Raya, the preferred dating app for celebrities, mostly because she doesn’t feel like making the required video for her profile (which is actually just a slideshow of photos set to music). On her last album, 2014’s The Voyager, she sang teasingly about her biological clock and being “just another lady without a baby”; but as we amble along, she admits that she’s experienced a pull toward motherhood. Still, she’s leaving that up to fate, too. “There is this biological pressure that I have felt. Certainly it’s on my mind,” Lewis says matter-of-factly. “I’m not going to freeze my eggs, which is something that I’ve had a lot of talks about with a lot of friends. That’s just not my style. So, I guess we’ll see what happens.”

Right around the time she was reevaluating her feelings about partnership and parenthood, Lewis had to start dealing with other heavy family matters — the kind that make you think deeply about your choices around partnership and parenthood. “People wonder why you take so much time between records,” she says of the five-year lapse since The Voyager. “It’s like, people fucking die.” We stop to sit at a small outdoor amphitheater nestled in a shaded area off the hiking trail, where she tells me about her mother’s death.

Lewis had been more or less estranged from her parents, who were also musicians, since she was 16. Her father left the family when she was a toddler, but with the support of Rice and other musician friends, Lewis invited him to play harmonica on her 2008 album Acid Tongue. Their reconciliation happened shortly before he died in 2010. Her relationship with her mother, who raised her, was more complicated. In 2014, she told the New York Times that her family had lost all the money she earned from her acting career; her songs about mother figures frequently reference drug abuse and mental illness. (She recently revealed to Rolling Stone that her mother was a heroin addict.) They weren’t in contact for years, but Lewis says that her mother was her biggest fan. “She really got me. And that’s why we couldn’t be together, because it was just not healthy for me,” Lewis reflects, tearing up slightly. “It was not a good thing. She thought every song was about her.” This new album does devote a soulful, slow-burning song to “a mother-and-child emergency” in a hospital, which ends “under a cool white sheet.”

By the time Lewis found out about her mother’s liver cancer, it was terminal. She wouldn’t describe their reunion and reconciliation as giving her closure but, rather, “open-sure.” Lewis spent the last two months of her mother’s life visiting her at the hospital every day, until she passed in October 2017. “I would bring a smoothie that I made from home, like a health smoothie. And my sister would bring a Slurpee,” she tells me. “And we’d have a fight about it.” Whose beverage triumphed?

“The Slurpee won, duh! No one wants a stinking smoothie if they’re dying!”

Finding herself alone for the first time in years, Lewis says she’s “really open to experiences and adventure.” She’s comfortable talking about her parents, in a way she never was when they were still alive. She’s traveling more than she ever has — Lewis eagerly shares stories about a solo trip to watch Manny Pacquiao and Adrien Broner box in Vegas, about meeting a Catholic priest backstage at a Grateful Dead concert in New York City and a voodoo priest who spit rum in her eyeballs while she was on mushrooms in Haiti.

She’s experimenting with a sexier look onstage, replacing her 2014 tour wardrobe of rainbow, Nudie Cohn–esque suits with tight jumpsuits and ample cleavage. “I wanted to wear things that were a little more body-conscious,” she explains. “I feel like I’ve always covered up.” And she’s collaborating with people she hasn’t worked with before, including heavy hitters like Ringo Starr, who plays drums on On the Line. (The album also features contributions from Ryan Adams, whom several women accused of emotional abuse and sexual misconduct, including sending explicit texts to an underage fan. This news broke a few weeks after our hike, and when asked for comment, Lewis sent me the same statement she’d tweeted days after the news: “I am deeply troubled by Ryan Adams’s alleged behavior. Although he and I had a working professional relationship, I stand in solidarity with the women who have come forward.”)

All this openness has been healing and even a little transcendent. The night before our meeting, there was a much-anticipated lunar eclipse of the year’s first full moon — the Super Blood Wolf Moon Eclipse. Lewis tells me earnestly that it was important for her to look at the moon that night, to take in something that felt bigger than herself. “You see something like that and it’s just like, some force outside of yourself that illuminates the unknown factor,” she says, sitting cross-legged in the empty amphitheater. “Because when you see someone pass — or your parents, which, we all go through that — it’s a beautiful mystery. It’s such a psychedelic experience. And I guess you don’t know how that feels until you know how that feels.” And how, exactly, did that feel? “It’s a trip, man. A fucking trip.”

[vinylguy207-blog]

TOP 10 ALBUMS OF 2017

Last year was a great year for music, so many good releases and that made this year especially difficult to limit to just ten that I loved. But after a few weeks of listening and re-listening I was able to cut this list down to just 10 ALBUMS I LOVED IN 2017. here they are...

10. FOO FIGHTERS - CONCRETE AND GOLD

The Foo’s released a Killer album this year. They combined the vibe of classic hard rock bands, with the over the top epic production of modern pop acts, and the nostalgic feel of that classic Foo Fighter Sound. Concrete and Gold is a rollercoaster of ups and down from upbeat hard hitting songs like the albums first single Run, to the slow and dream feel of songs like Dirty Water. 

9. HUNDREDTH - RARE

Hundredth made big waves this year. Dropping the tough guy hardcore Image and going for a softer dreamy shoegaze style. In my opinion it payed off. Personally I’ve never been a huge fan of the shoegaze style, BUT Hundredth did it a little different and better then the rest. They drowned everything in a sweet dreamy reverb, but left the drums big, fast, and punchy carrying the tracks forward. I think this is what separates Rare from any other over mushy, muddy, over reverbed, shoegaze band out today.

8. PVRIS - ALL WE KNOW OF HEAVEN, ALL WE NEED OF HELL

Having had been part of the New England music Scene around 2012, I remember PVRIS when they still had an ‘A’ in there name. I loved them back then and when they signed to Rise Records and came out with this Dark Pop Rock sound I only grew to like them more. The whole Album has a Haunting almost relaxing feel to it, with burst of energy from songs like No Mercy and Half. 

7. PARAMORE - AFTER LAUGHTER

Paramore was another band that made some big changes this year. Bringing back former drummer Zac Farro, and Changing their sound from a Alternative Pop Rock sound, to an almost 80′s dance Pop sound. Its fun and has a lot of energy on tracks like Hard Times and slows down and has a more emotional feel like on 26. This album is a ride and I personally love it.

6. TYLER, THE CREATOR - SCUM FUCK, FLOWER BOY

Tyler really matured on this album. Its deep and interesting. Don't get me wrong I’ll still go hard to Cherry Bomb, Goblin and all of his other albums. This album is different though. from the instrumentation to the lyrical content the whole album is a bigger more grown up view into tilers life. I really enjoy this album and it quickly became a go to rap album for me.

5. KENDRICK LAMAR - DAMN.

Now I will agree with most that this isn't kendrick best work. I’d probably give it a Decent 7 (insert Anthony Fontana meme here). But in all seriousness this was a Killer rap album. With BANGERS like like DNA and Humble, and more deep cuts like my personal favorite Duckworth, this is a solid well rounded Hip Hop album. Oh yeah, and if you play it backwards its a different album, or something like that...

4. MOVEMENTS - FEEL SOMETHING

I was a big fan of ‘Emo’ music back in my high school day, so I’m super stocked on the ‘Emo Revival’ thats going on. One of the best bands in this genre nowadays is Movements. They have a very raw sound and sing about real deep emotional things like mental illness and relationship issues. They are one of my favorite bands to throw on and go for a long drive and I can't wait to see what they do in the future.

3. COMEBACK KID - OUTSIDER

Canadian Hardcore Punk band Comeback Kid does it again with a mother high energy heavy hitter. This album starts off on 10 and doesn't slow down. I believe this is one of the best Comeback Kid albums (nothing beats Wake The Dead). The Production on it is killer and I never get board of it. Also I got my first ever speeding ticket this year and I blame it fully on this album.

2. END - FROM THE UNFORGIVING ARMS OF GOD

I preordered this album the day the band went public because I knew I wasn't going to miss out on this Hardcore Super Group, with members of Counterparts, Fit For An Autopsy, Misery Signals, and More this is the craziest line up I've seen in years. This EP is heavy, nasty, loud, angry, pissed off, and it just makes me want to break shit. DON’T SLEEP ON THIS BAND.

1. COUNTERPARTS - YOU’RE NOT YOU ANYMORE

My number one, favorite, album of 2017, is Counterparts, You’re Not You Anymore. They absolutely murdered this album. Bring back the feeling of early Trust Kill Bands like Misery Signals and Poison the Well, while still having that same Melodic hardcore sound they’re known for. This is short for a full length (27 minutes), but thats all it needs. There’s no filler, no bull shit. Just heavy hitting, energetic, bangers. 

That was My list! I hope you enjoyed it and maybe you agreed with some of my choices! Let me know what your top 10 of 2017 were. Below is a Spotify playlist with all the albums in this list. 

https://open.spotify.com/user/12176156566/playlist/5tAhKxSR7pWRgGh0CXVclk