#but the lack of intention is kinda fhe point

[dnprenaissance]

what’s up guys is 12:25 am and i’m thinking too much again !! the point: even tho tumblr has this running joke of “we’re all just yelling into the void” it’s still a social media and many people, myself included, use it as such; therefore, when someone makes a post, they want it to be seen, just like on any other social media website. people crave validation and social media is where a lot of people get it, including me. this is p much the only place i can be completely myself and not have to worry about it, and every once and a while i’d like someone, anyone, to say “hey, i saw ur post”, or “fuck u” or anything ?? like just fucking respond .. idk

i say this bc i feel like a lot of the time my original posts get ignored. and not even just that. like those ask prompt things that r numbered and have themes. i usually try to remember to send a few to whoever i reblog from and anyone that rbs one from me, but it’s very rare that i get one. and i’ve posted them at different times of the day, in various “active periods” and no luck in any of them ! and whenever i do get an ask, i do my best to respond quickly and enthusiastically and be nice and kind (unless it’s about discourse but that’s another story) and encourage other people to send me and emoji or number or whatever the duck the ask meme was about but like,,, i shouldn’t even bother ? like idk who sends me asks whenever i get them, but they’re mostly anons (which is fine don’t get me wrong) but there’s no recurring anon that feels like they should have a signature so i know who they r and i think k i’ve had 2 or three people ask me something from their blogs (not on anon). idk it just feels shitty to feel like any kind of grab for attention i make is ignored !

and another thing: lesbian day of visibility.

all day i’d been rbing or at least liking people’s selfies bc hello i’m gay ur gay let’s support each other. around 4/5pm (idk really but it was late afternoon sometime) i took a few selfies and posted them. i kept them up for most of the night i think, until i noticed something. i noticed that my posts directly before and after my selfies gad gotten notes, but my selfies had three notes, all from reblogging them myself (with the mindset that oh people just haven’t seen it yet bc tumblr),, and i got this feeling again that no one online really cares about what the fuck i do bc i am literally always fucking ignored and i got really sad about that and deleted them.

but speaking of always ignored: i was in ginas (bananaquits) discord server for dps, along w a lot of other people that r very nice and i still am vaguely in touch w now. i was pretty active for a while, then i started to just occasionally participate in discussion bc it was A Lot if Talking All The Time. even before i decided to participate less, i felt like if i said something in the chat, everyone just skimmed over it and kept talking about whatever. and this server, thanks to ginas efforts, had a very good culture of making sure people weren’t ignored if they said something in a chat; we were supposed to at least acknowledge every1s comments bc that’s a nice thing to do u kno ? well anyway, one day, someone posted something about how in the server, no one gets left behind or forgotten (like in lilo and stitch) ,, here’s a shitty poem i wrote bc i was pissed off.

"nobody gets left behind... or forgotten"

that's what you tell them

they believe you, because for

them it is true but

what about

me

?

i have been a part of this group

this chosen family of friends

just as long as anyone

else

i have participated more than the

"leaders"

more the the "captain"

and yet i am forgotten

why me ?

i tryed to insert my self into conv-

ersation

but to no avail

my contributions were always met

with general indifference

or

they were completely ignored

despite "the captain's" hatred of ignorance

no one was ever accused of ignoring

me.

so um yeah. after that i got really annoyed at the whole thing and left under the guise that “schools really kicking my ass i need 2 focus” and moved on w my life.

but then the ldov,, and anytime i posted an ask meme,, or made a post in general,, just nothing. and it fucking sucks. to feel fucking ignored. sticks and stones may break my bones and words may never hurt me but that’s because no one ever seems to care enough to give me any.