#but the guy immediately went “oh you havent responded in an hour do you hate me or something?”

[birdyverdie]

If I had a nickle for every time an old friend wanted to catch up with me while I'm changing the fuel filter of my truck, I'd have two nickles, which isn't a lot but it's weird that it's happened twice

[moonjxsung]

i completely missed that you responded to my ask omg oops sorry 😭😭😭 anyways ummm tw for suicide mentions, cheating, a minor getting involved with adults (no explicit details), asian fetishization, manipulation (please know that this is quite a lot)

so i dated this girl in 2018 who was about a year younger than me, i was around 13-14 during the time so she was 12-13 or so (also since we were so young she might be better now, i have no idea. i could've done things better too and should've left, but we were both kids too, so. yeah)

first of all she'd be possessive over her biases, so a lot of the time i had to hold back around her if i liked the same idol she did, and for quite a while i really disliked nct because of her (but im fully over it now)

she used to go on omegle all the time and she purposefully tagged it with "asian, korean, nsfw, dom" etcetc and she'd do this on call right in front of me, flirting with strangers AND she'd lie about her age ALLLLLL the time.. so often she'd claim to be 16-18 to people who were 18+

me and our other 2 friends told her Not to do that but i dont think we ourselves even fully grasped the situation. to this day im not sure how far any of her conversations or friendships went with people who she lied to :/ i only know about one guy who realized/found out(?) that she wasnt in fact the age she said she was and i think he just cut it off and she was talking about it to me

(a side note about the omegle thing, i decided to try it once on call and also flirted with a stranger Which was wrong ofc, but also she immediately started crying and left call whereas this was a daily thing she did towards me......)

she lied about having jungkooks skype so she could switch back and forth between calls with her friends it was so ?????? 😭😭😭😭😭 we did not believe her but she was so adamant on it LMFAOOOOOOOOO

tw for suicide here

a LOT of times she'd suddenly hate me (idr her reasonings. i think it was her thinking i wasnt there for her or i didnt want to date her anymore) and she'd block me out of nowhere or she'd often "threaten suicide" i say that but technically thats not even what she did. she straight up told me how she was gonna attempt or told me she was in the middle of attempting, and multiple times i got on calls trying to calm her down and get her help. very awesome experience for a teen to go through:) i have no clue if any of it was even real either, so there's that

but yeah it was just very on and off and when i finally fully cut her off she Blamed me and got mad that i was cutting her off for my own mental health and wellbeing, she called me selfish for "cutting her off because she was suicidal" Which was not exactly the case.. i wouldnt cut someone off for just that, there were more layers to it

anyways i havent seen her in years. hope she's improved at least a bit now that she's older - puppy anon

Omg WHATTT is it with people who find pleasure in openly flirting right in front of you with people online????…?/??/? My last situationship did that shit all the time as a “joke” but got mad if I called anyone (even an idol????) remotely attractive like!?? What are you gaining? Out of doing that?????? That’s really terrible that she lied about her age too oh my god those people could’ve gotten in SERIOUS trouble just because she wanted to be silly online wtaf……..

THE JUNGKOOK SKYPE THIS IS CRAZYYYYYZUSKKSSKLZKS HELP MEEEEE 😭😭 why do people think they’re convincing anyone by lying about the most out of pocket shit LMAOOOO

The suicide thing is absolutely abhorrent behavior oh my god…. I don’t know WHAT it is with friends or relationships who threaten suicide and then either block you or disappear for hours on end and they don’t understand the fucking TOLL that takes on somebody. Like they really think it’s okay to make you go about your day after having to practically talk somebody out of suicide. And then it turns out that wasn’t even the case :/ as an adult I realize how ODD it is that people do that shit at all, and to CHILDREN. I had a friend who did the same to me when I was in the 1D fandom and she was 20, I was only 13. I remember sending her Harry styles memes that were like “you’re worth it” and “you matter” like oh my god please go see a therapist I am a CHILD BRO 😭😭😭😭

I’m glad you finally cut her off and prioritized yourself and I hope you don’t cross paths with anyone like her again :( people like that will try to make you feel bad for cutting them off because they’re just mad about the fact that somebody was smart enough to see through their manipulative schemes and pull out of being involved. You deserve so much better and I also hope that she’s improved but I hope nobody has to go through that shit at the hands of her scheming ass 🙄 BYEEEEEE

ily pookie thank you for sharing this with me it’s not easy to talk about things like this but you’re doing amazing and you deserve the very best !! I love u and I hope u know that every time I think of you I think of that silly alien meme. SCHOOLK😈‼️‼️🫶

[that-one-weeb-but-starwars]

A Marriage Arrangement with death pt 4

All I can say is well. Well my bad-

Read Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 3.5

Y/n's eyes slowly opened, turning her head she was face to face with Savage.

Smiling softly her hand reaching out for his face, rubbing Savage's cheek with her thumb lightly.

He slowly woke up, his irises bright in color and lowly shining in the dark room. Y/n said nothing- thank the gods for black out curtains. She thought his eyes were so pretty with there soft glow

He kissed the palm of her hand softly as she smiled, leaning forwards they shared a soft kiss.

"Well good moring." She smiled.

He only sighed, pulling her into his chest as she chuckled.

"Go back to sleep."

"Come on we can't stay in bed forever." Y/n responded kissing his chin, he was rubbing her bare back with one hand she smiled at him, relaxing in his grip she sighed happily.

"We're getting married today."

"Again."

Y/n chuckled, "You don't want to get married again?" She teased.

"Why unify again and tell the galaxy when my galaxy is infront of me."

Y/n flushed deep red, as she moved her gaze away, her chest tightening and butterflies filling her stomach.

"Oh...I..." she spoke trying to come with a counter. His hand carassed her cheek as he sat himself up.

Y/n kept her gaze away the headboard seemingly more interesting, but soon then she realized she was laid down on her back, Savage over her frame as she looked at him to catch his gaze- and hold it.

"Hello there..." y/n spoke trying to cover her akwardness.

He leaned down kissing her softly without another word, her arms wrapping around his large frame, hands rest at the top of his back.

Pulling away softly Y/n whined playfully, chuckling he held her, she pulled him back down into a kiss happily as a leg wrapped around his bare waist.

A soft groan of pleasure was drawn out into the kiss and the two pulled away softly with a pant.

"Moring sex sounds fun." Y/n joked as he chuckled, going to kiss her again there was a knock on the door.

Y/n groaned in displeasure, its always someone. Pulling herself from under him she covered herself with a robe. Walking towards the door it opened with a push of a button.

"Oh- Misses Gladlys-" y/n responded, "I uh...why are you here?"

"I was requested to get you on account of your mother Princess."

Y/n nodded, "uhuh for?"

"Well to get ready of course. It is your big day."

"The ceremony isnt till later in the day?" Y/n questioned.

"Well yes but-"

"Misses Gladys I love you. And you know that. But I have another matter- Very Very big matter."

"But Princess."

"Just this once. Give me..." She spoke looking back at Savage, his hips and below covered by the blankets as his top half was put on full display for her, "Give me 45 mintues-"

"Fourty-Five Mintues!? Princess you're mother-"

"Sorry Misses Gladlys! I promise just once! Bye!-"

"But Princess-"

Y/n shut the door, locking sealing it shut from the inside.

"Now." Y/n spoke turning back to him walking towards the bed as she dropped her robe.

"Where were we?"

"Sleep."

"Right."

She climbed into bed as she curled up to him, his arm drapped over her hip in protection.

"The sweet glory of sleeping in." Y/n smiled nuzzling into his chest as he chucked, both going back to sleep for another hour.

Yet she would be woken up by a loud knocking, causing her to groan. Savage was also woken up as Y/n pulled away from him recovering herself she opened the door.

"Do you have any idea what time it is!"

"Yeah Yeah Im going." Y/n spoke walking back into the room and going back to Savage.

"Wish me luck with her- and someone will be here with a set of chlothes. My brother's will want to talk to you before hand," Y/n spoke kissing him softly, "Love you."

"I love you too."

She smiled as she left, being yelled at as soon as she opened the door.

"Yeah yeah lets go."

Savage sat up rubbing the back of his neck, meanwhile getting dressed his chlothes from the other night, pulling the boots on and bottoms, leaving his armour off he pulled on the turtle neck. That's when he received a transmission.

Picking up the hologram fromed as Ventress stood there.

"Savage."

"Mistress."

She crossed her armors, "has she trusted you?"

"Yes." Savage spoke, "I believe this may be a strong allyship between the two worlds-"

"You fool! This is an infiltration! Do not get attached!" Ventress argued.

"I thought this was ment to be Unification. Not a hoax." Savage tried to defend, but it was useless.

"Count Dooku will be present today both at the ceremony and to sign documents. Its when we will attack, killing Count Dooku and the royal family. And Dathomir will finally regain what was lost to them."

What was he suppose to say- No? He couldn't do that, he did belong to Ventress after all. The spell did what it was ment to.

"You will kill the royal family! And that Pathetic thing you call your wife." Ventress demanded.

"Yes. Mistress."

"Good."

The transmission was cut as his head felt like it split open, holding it in pain he growled.

The doors opened.

"Hey! Savage! We wanted-" it was one of Y/n's brothers, "You okay?"

"I-I am fine." Savage lied.

"Oh. come on then."

He followed the group leading him into a lounge area, all her brothers sat there. They cheered for him as he ended.

"Big day huh! Must be exciting!"

"You idiot he was married at Dathomir as well."

"Your an idiot!"

"Sorry for them." Fresco spoke apologizing for the twins, handing Savage a cup, "for your headache."

Savage nodded almost immediately downing the water, leading him to come sit down

"You heard fathers coming back?"

"Good maybe mother will finally stop being so mean."

"Please you know she bullies him too."

"You havent met all of us have you?" Fresco spoke.

"No I don't believe I have."

Fresco smiled, "there is a lot of us. You know the twins and Attiucs."

The twins were busy arguing but Atticus waved looking up from his book.

"Ezio here is the oldest." The older teen raised a cup taking a drink.

"Im after him, and Jacob's next, after are the twins but you met both of us" Fresco added, "Juniper is next."

The teen with his hair half buzzed the other side long and braided lifted up a lazy hand, sitting upside down on the couch as he listened to his brother.

"After Juniper its Atticus, and then the triplets."

They were busy dualing around the room with sticks, "Cornelius, Hamilton, and Magnus."

Hamilton stopped to wave Politely but was ran into by his two siblings as they fell onto the floor.

"What about you? And your brothers? Sisters?" Juniper questioned but Atticus kicked him.

"You little shit!-"

"I don't have any brothers. Not no more." Savage responded his glass being refilled by butler standing by.

"Hey! We got you. We're all brothers now." Fresco spoke a fist to Savage's shoulder playfully, "we're an off bunch but mean well."

The group contuied to talk to Savage, it was odd how accepting they really were. Somewhere in the back of his mind made him regret all of this.

He'd have to kill all these people.

So what was the point of getting close?

Soon enough all of there suits came, Savage the only one in white.

"Who do you think Y/n will recieve?" Juniper asked the group.

"I believe a moder. Perhaps Sutur." Ezio explained fixing the flower pin in his hair.

"What is receiving?" Savage asked.

"Hmm?" Fresco asked, "Oh it-"

Mid word Juniper cut in, "It's part of the religion. The 12 gods are believed to comibned to become the earth beneath us. Sutur is just one of the gods, mostly know for being a core due to its controling of everything hot. When you marry one born on this planet goes through a 'receiving' its rare but only twelve can get a god, but you can also get an enity or a passed loved one though that's super rare. They give you there strength within battle."

"But Y/n's much more powerful than a core- which is why she should be getting Hela." Jacob cut in.

"Hela hasnt been someones beck and call since Father." Ezio argued, "and we all know how he ended up. You wish that upon your sister?"

The group went quiet.

"I was given the impression your father was alive." Savage responded.

Fresco sighed, "when he was assigned Hela he descended into madness with each kid born. They think he's in Helheim and will return- He'll be Y/n's receiver."

"I think he's dead dead." Jacob responded, "like he deserves and mother better follow him"

"You can't say that!" Atticus argued.

"Please Attiucs grow up." Juniper spoke.

Savage listened intently, as Fresco looked back at the Zabarack, "We may have a large family, but the heads of the family aren't...the best"

"It sounds like my family." Savage told him as they all started filing out of the room, leaving just him and Fresco in the room alone, "I. Unfortunately grew up without one of my brothers, he was taken away due to his special ablities."

Fresco listened as he poured them both a glass of whiskey, "And my younger brother. I don't remember what happened, or if he's even alive."

Handing Savage the glass they stood by the window.

"Makes you not want to have kids." Fresco questioned, "I know it scares me. Becoming the one thing I hate."

"On Dathomir men are only used for mating and then usually killed off." Savage spoke.

Fresco frowned looking out the window- how was he ment to respond to such information.

"I know my sister will treat you with Kindness." Fresco spoke, "it seems you're already growing on her. I seen you two at the dinner."

Savage felt his chest tighten, he was falling in love with her, and he liked it. He loved the idea of her.

"Guys hurry up or it will be the groom walking down the Isle." Ezio told as he had quickly come back.

The two left with each other side by side. Both enjoying the silence as they walked down the steps. Thats right, He had only been down and up these steps a few times, but those few times were some of the best times of his life.

Stopping outside the castle he looked back, seeing it all shiney as the sun hit it perfectly, looking like something out of a book. The whole walk was like that- there was no reason to take out a whole planet for the sake of Dathomir, Dathomir didn't need another planet- he would of liked them to fix theres first atleast.

"Savage?"

He turned his head seeing Y/n standing there, when was she here? Looking around a bit shaken she stood in her wedding dress- it looked perfect on her, with a full bottom and a lacey top that had the same matching sleeves. When were they at the alter already?

"Are you okay?" She whispered softly, the priest reading off religious text.

"I-" he spoke looking at her what was he suppose to tell her?

Her white dress would be bloodstained within a matter of mintues due to what Mother Talzin was planning?

"I have a headache is all." He responded.

Y/n frowned, "maybe some food afterwords will make you feel better. Caf was even skipped this moring."

"Right." He responded, and left it at that.

"Do you take this man to be your husband? To take of him in sickness and health? To love him without doubt?"

Y/n smiled, "I do."

Her hand gripped onto his in excitement, that small squeeze made him happy, feeling her hand in his.

He had no idea what the woman infront of them said but only said the words as quick as he comprehend.

"I do." He cut the lady off.

Y/n flushed as she looked down flustered.

"Then I do pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss your bride."

Y/n was pulled in quickly, shocking her, but it wasn't unwelcomed, kissing back the large church full of people cheered as they pulled away and as he did He seen Count Dooku sitting next to Mother Miranda. The group of people settling down, calming themselves once more as the woman cleared her throat Savage being gestured over by her brothers who were off to the side as he went over.

"With the coming of age you Y/n will be the caller of one of our twelve gods. You may be choosen for something greater, or passed by as a common folk." She spoke, "are you ready to give yourself to the twelve gods and let them judge you as one!"

"Yes head preist." Y/n spoke as her wrist was grabbed and palmed opened where it was sliced open Y/n gritting her teeth slightly as she was dragged to the floor, only following as her hand was put face down on the alters floor.

The woman moved to the side as the doors behind the alter creaked. Atticus holding onto Savages leg as Savage put a hand on his shoulder telling him he'd be okay.

"By the twelve gods..." Fresco spoke as the door opened a large hand crawling onto the carved in wood.

"I-its Hela..." Ezio asperated as the door swung open heavily crashing into the wall. Which it was hinged to.

The room silent and still as the other swung open.

The figure large, made up of what seemed to be Ash, body exposed and what looked like to be burnt half way just to show her dark innards, she was on all fours as Y/n looked up at her, slowly standing up as it went quiet for a moment.

Y/n reached out her cut hand, Hela reaching out her hand as well as Y/n looked forward keeping her eyes on Hela.

Somewhere some how Helas hand had shrunken along with part of her arm as they were bound by the cut on Y/n's hand.

'They're here-'

A warrior bursted into the doors as Y/n turned her head, "We're being attacked! The ships! They've all been destroyed!-"

The man stopped stabbed through the back, and fell to the floor.

"So sorry to ruin this happy momment."

Y/n growled as her hand was let go, and in place of Hela's hand held a sword, as Ventress walked down the isle.

"Damn are sister really is a bad ass-" Ezio spoke under his breath.

Dooku stood up as well, saber in hand.

"You were foolish to come alone." Y/n argued Hela still behind her looming in all her darkness.

"Who says I'm alone?"

Just as she spoke, a Battalion of night sisters filed into the room from both sides of her.

"Savage." Ventress spoke.

"Yes Mistress."

Almost immediately Fresco who stood besides Savage was lifted up into the air, force choking him as Fresco grabbed at his neck.

"Savage! Stop! Now!" Y/n demanded, "Stop now!"

"Kill him. Now." Ventress demanded.

There was a large crack as the filled church was still in shock, the young man thrown to the floor as his brother immediately surronded him.

"He's dead! He killed Fresco!"

Thats when the chaos started, when one had been pronounced dead.

Y/n could remember, it was all a blur. All the fighting- the blood shed. All she remember was ripping through people with her new found sword, swinging at heads and abdomens, she was luck that her skirt hadn't had a train.

Atticus had ran to her as she fought on the stairs stabbing a nightsister in the face and kicking her back, her white dress covered in dirt and blood, "Y/n!"

"Attiucs! Run away now!" Y/n argued, blocking another weapon, kicking the women in the female Kenobi's

"I'm not gonna leave you!" He shouted.

"Damn it Atticus!" Y/n shouted slicing the woman's flesh and grabbing his hand, "Come on! Lets go!"

Atticus ran hand in hand with her, somehow and some way some of her brothers caught up, they running and escaping to the castle.

"We have to be quiet take off your shoes." Y/n whispered the group hiding behind a wall as they all pulled there shoes off, "You have your run away bags all ready?"

"What?" Magnus asked, his other brother Cornelius, holding his hand, he had lost one of three to Ventress.

"Shit thats right, they never made there's. I'll go with them." Ezio spoke quietly,

Y/n nodded taking a quick head count, they had lost so many already, Fresco, Juniper, and Hamilton.

"I'll take Cornelius and Magnus." Jacob offered.

"I'll take Atticus. Ezio- weapons and maps?"

Ezio nodded, "becareful."

They all nodded, spliting up, Y/n had lucky gotten Attiucs up the stairs and to his room, as he was grabbing his things.

"Y/n." Atticus spoke as she was making sure he had everything for a final time as they carefully walked to her room, once inside she answered him.

"Yes Atticus." She responded going for her own bag.

"Savage...he isnt that mean. I know he isn't." Atticus spoke, "I know we didn't know him long but- he didn't wanna kill Fresco did he?"

Y/n tossed her dress the the floor dressed in trousers now fixing her top.

"Atticus." Y/n spoke kneeling down to him, "I know you liked him. I did too, but I don't even know anymore."

Attiucs frowned, as she held his shoulder's, "Are you going to kill him? Savage?"

Y/n frowned, "I don't know."

[butterbeeryuta]

chenle as your best friend

ok so like the 2 of you met when ya'll were about 6-7 at some summer art programme

at that age, you just liked to see colour on paper regardless if it looked shit or not.

NOW, chenle sits beside you right and he notices be doesn't have a blue crayon with him, but omg! you have it (a/n: cries in cliché)

so this kid who's prob wearing the finest clothes from head to toe just grabs your blue crayon from the tray— and boy are you annoyed and angry

'hey you could've at least asked!'

'well can I use the blue crayon?'

'oh... i guess yeah'

lmao you were such an awkward bean (still are)

anyway after the whole crayon thing, you were waiting for your mum/dad/guardian to pick you up, and so was chenle. chenle then sat beside you again and ya'll just started talking and playing together

ya'll were in different schools. but that didn't stop the 2 of you to meet each other on almost e v e r y weekened, like

'hey i got the uno machine, wanna play on saturday?'

'chenle i have test on monday'

'it's an uno machine'

'okay yeah sure.'

so when ya'll were like 11-13 (puberty ew), ppl started questioninh your friendship and was asking if it's mORe than that— but lol it's not

you just enjoyed having each other around since ya'lls characters balances out so well; chenle is far far more loud, cheerful, and optimistic. whereas you're more on the 'serious' side and usually stays quiet— but you have a galaxy brain soOooO

so whenever ppl do ask, the two of you say 'no,' but then again,,,, who tf will take 'no' for an answer

SO 15-16, zhong chenle moved to korea to be a part of nct dream, and it was painful for the two of you

you went to drop him off at the airport, and he promised to you that he'll try to message and call you as much as possible while you hug him tightly cause you really don't want him to go even though you know he deserves it and it's just pure emo hours at this point

so during his training years he tells you all the good tea like 'omg there's like 6 chinese members here whoAaaa' 'yo yo yo there's this guy named taeyong andD HE IS SO COOL WHOAAAAAA' and it's so cute and ur really happy he's having fun, but you do miss him a lot

eventually chenle also misses you a lot, and he starts to tell renjun, winwin, and basically everyone about how he misses his best friend y/n ~soft~ hours are open

CHENLE DEBUTS YEy. you're having like severe palpitations rn cause that's ur fucking best friend living his dream like yEAH!!!! you tell your parents, your friend group, your chemistry tutor, your dog, the cashier— EVERYONE god you're annoying skjskjdkssk

you message chenle a LOT!

'DUDE WTF YOU ACTUALLY DID IT'

'goddamn ya'll look so cute and the song does nOT help'

'also is that the jeno guy? he really cute 🤭'

but ofc, he's busy. and yeah, he hasn't been responding as much as before. although you understood his busy schedule, you can't help but feel disappointed and sad.

BUT, whenever he does get time, i promise you he apologises and calls you whenever he can. chenle is a sweetheart, he'd never betray you like that.

OK SO FAST FORWARD TO 2019 BOOM ERA

so like any other typical fic, you managed to book yourself to korea and surprise your best friend for his birthdayyyyy

over the years you got to know renjun a lot through messages and calls since he always joins chenle when ya'll call each other so yeah— renjun is THAT guy

kneeways, you and renjun talked abt the plans, the cakes, and even helped you with korean so that you'd be able to talk to the rest of the members (and maybe jeno if ur confident enough but let's be honest, they've ALL become gorgeous humans you must be insanse to think you'd be able to talk to them casually)

you've arrived in gimpo airport, renjunnie arranged someone to pick you up— and it's time to surprise your best friend lele

so yeah while jisung and chenle were filming, you got to help out with the decorations and stuff with the rest of the dreamies.

the boys were all so nice to you despite the language barrier,

'AHHH so ur the friend chenle keeps talking about, do you know any shit that he does so we can use it to blackmail him or some—'

'haechan it's his birthday, calm the fuck down for one second.' renjun being the true dom he is

OkaYY SO THEY COMING and you were panicking cause you havent seen him in years and you werent sure what to do and just before they came in ofc you tripped

chenle started laughing and screaming. he was so overwhelmed with the surprise, until he saw you flat on the floor probably moaning in pain

'Y/nnnNnnnNNN??!' THE KID IS SHOOK

'Uh yeah, listen i wanna give you a hug and all but help your friend out'

he immediately went over to you and helped u up and ya'LL just hugged and like he lifted you up a little and he's just so happy rn and he doesnt know what to do except to hold you

'AWWWWWWWWWW' -00 line

you genuinely start crying cause you missed his chaotic and happy ass so much. you looked up at him and you can tell he's changed so much. you saw from pics that he has changed, but you didnt fully acknowledge how much he grew up.

he starts laughing at your emotional and crying state and hugs you even more— it's all cute stuff at this point

'okay uhh i know ya'll miss each other and stuff, but chenle your cake is gonne melt' - park jisung, 2019

ya'll celebrated, ya'll spilled stories about each other, and everyone just had a good time

'jeno hyung y/n has a crush on you'

that little fucker

chenle couldnt have been happier, and neither could you

a/n: okay please hate me all you want i've been silent for so fucking long. university applications have started and i have to meet deadlines and shit so yeah, i've been prioritising my school work these days. laces and things WILL continue from December onwards cause i'll be on break then, so please stay patient. also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LELE. he's been my bias in dream for god knows how long, and he's such a loving and cute guy, how can you not love him. i hope you had the best birthday with the ppl who genuinely deserve you.

[bugli-bugli]

TW: insults towards depression and anxiety, toxic behavior, father/parent mention, trauma discussion, self-harm mention, suicide idealization

just a rant because im just too fucking tired of the bullshit of other sites.

i’ve really taken for granted how non-toxic tumblr is in the nice little corner i’ve tucked myself into. since i’m pretty desperate for money, cause now i think ill just have to live off disability if i can even get it.

I gotta say my mutuals and the people who reblogged my donation post, im so fucking grateful for you and i cant thank you enough. but besides the point, rant.

posted my donation post on twitter and later reddit, like the naive fool i am. the first comment i got on the twitter one was very homophobic and the guy was just an overall creep upon a quick look on his tumblr. i responded to him but immediately deleted it cause i knew thats all he wanted was to make me angry. think i was able to get him banned but fuck if i know.

this is more about the lovely reddit post i got

sigh im not going to bother replying and i just reported them, but i wanted to get out of me all the shit i wanted to say. just, first of all i know trolls and shit just do this to get attention, but this on the fucking r/donate subreddit like??? why isn’t it moderated better?? besides the point

i dont care if you believe my donation post is a scam, whatever, believe what you want and move on. i understand there is a lot of people out there trying to get money they can easily get themselves, instead they take it from goodhearted people.

you need to grow the fuck up. i redirect back at this person because, you spent your time, what? hating on a post that might be a scam. and they regularly do this to from just a quick look. so immature and annoying. this hurts so fucking much to hear too cause it strikes a perfect nerve of trauma.

anxiety and depressions are perfectly valid reasons to not be able to hold down a job. they sound like my fucking dad. i have panic attacks when people raise their voice or if there is too much going on around me, like tvs and crowds and what not.

ive mostly been sleeping lately and cant even make myself do simple physical tasks. not just because of my depression but because of my chronic joint pain that i still haven’t fucking got working medication for yet.

plus i have 472147921 other disorders that i havent been able to get diagnosed or help yet because of my stupid fucking parents. who finally are getting me help after years upon years of having obvious mental issues. ONLY BECAUSE a big argument that my sister had to speak for me in, because i went nonverbal and was hysterically laughing because my dad denying he called me fat.

but yeah i cant even brush my teeth, or shower, the only hygiene habits i have are because if i didnt do them my brain would make me have a panic attack or some intrusive thoughts of self harm.

how is it fucking entitled to ask strangers to donate, H O W? i dont think i deserve this, i dont think that im better then other people, im posting this because others who are in similar/worse situations posting donation posts gave me the confidence to do so.

yes im so entitled to be begging on my hands and knees for money because capitalism and my body and mind are working against me. im not even saying HEY DONATE AND IF YOU DONT DONATE YOU ARE A FUCKING HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING. or anything even remotely close to that.

i gave the needed information and background as to why we would need money, and why we struggle to get it ourselves. and asked that people at least share, but there is no obligation to go any of these things.

i know i cant live my entire life on freelance transcription but it is LITERALLY THE ONLY JOB I CAN GET. yeah just simply go out and get a real job, because you can totally form sentences around strangers and dont feel like you are going to throw up from anxiety. its not that hard.

i totally have the endurance to do whatever it is necessary in whatever shitty ass 8 hour shift job i could get, because every step i take doesn’t physically hurt. because after walking too much, my knees wont give out ever, that never happens. because i dont have a fear of failure because my dad totally didn’t get mad at me when i took to long to learn something. i have no trauma related to that at all. im a totally capable human being. 

all of these last two paragraphs are sarcasm btw if that wasn’t obvious

i dont even know what couch sufing on craigslist even is. i had to look it up. how is that advice, how. oh yeah just live on other peoples couches, people you dont even know. thats not dangerous at all like HUH?!?! fuck no. if i wanted to get myself killed id do it myself.

also shelters are totally safe, and never have any issues whatsoever. i didnt ask for fucking advice that was going to make our situation worse you p.o.s.

also i know what im fucking doing, im researching and trying to make the most feasible and realistic plan to leave. even if that is i have freelance transcribing jobs and disability and my sister has whatever job and my so probably in the same boat as me. im not just going to move out without the needed things unless i was kicked out. which, as of the moment, none of us are currently at risk of that, yet.

if it really came down to it where Brutus would need to be rehomed, we’d probably do it. but he means so fucking much to us, we dont want to rehome him because we dont have anyone we can fucking trust to take care of him and we arent just going to give him away to whoever. Brutus and my pets and my sisters are all part of our family, and we aren’t just going to fucking give them away.

whatever, the rage is gone, im tired and i want to cry, this wasn’t posted for attention or anything i just wanted to rant. please dont leave negative comments im not in the goddamned mood.

[itsjayyyy]

January 10, 2019 12:13 pm

it’s a week after i planned on writing an update, but it’s a thursday so i’m technically on time. I worked tuesday, as i said, and on wednesday rose came over. we first went to the mall so i could show her how decrepit it was, and got auntie anne’s there. I like the mini pretzel dogs, but hate the hot dogs inside them; i just like how the pretzels are rolled up to look like croissants and how the hot dogs imbue the bread with that umami flavor. Then we went back to my place and watched train to busan (the main character was the same guy from coffee prince!), and then went to baanchan for dinner. I remember that she borrowed a shirt and got a stain on it and took it home and said shed wash it but i can’t remember which one. thursday and friday i just kinda lazed around, relaxed for a few days before the semester started. i signed up for postmates, and just today i got an email saying the prepaid card was sent to my address so i’ll activate it when i get home. the weekend was work, as always.

i would like to thank every god for allowing me to live so close to campus, because if i had to wake up any earlier for my 7:30 am calc class i would die. On the first day I woke up at 6, but tbh the earlier i have to wake up, the longer i have to take to get ready so I was kinda rushing and ended up forgetting my wallet. I didn’t want to give up my parking space to go back to get it, so I took the on campus shuttle back to my apartment to pick it up, since i needed my id to get my textbooks. got my textbooks (with no line whatsoever!), went to my evening classes, then went home. oh, and apparently i’m so bad at math. i saw my schedule’s weekly chart and said “oh nice, i have a 4 hour gap in the middle of the day for studying or getting lunch” but apparently it’s a 7 hour gap, from 8 am to 3 pm. coolio.

my calc professor was a bit timid, and has a slight accent. the first day i made the mistake of sitting in the back like last year, and could not focus on a word he said. psychology was chill, we just covered the syllabus. apparently, the psychology department (not my professor) mandates that all intro psych classes’ grades are 10% participating in psychology studies, bc otherwise nobody would volunteer to help them. i hate being forced to do anything, so of course I’m gonna lie and fuck with their studies. asl was my fav class, it’s at 6:30 when campus is empty. we just learned the alphabet (and by that i mean she ran through it once and then we had to go to the front of the class and introduce ourselves). the whole class is immersive, meaning that even on the FIRST day of class we weren’t allowed to speak. as if i understood a single thing she said. there’s a cute girl in that class, we didnt speak to each other (obvs) but when i got stuck while introducing myself, she helped me out since she was in the front row. can i just say i’m PISSED that it seemed like everyone was fluent in asl while i barely knew the alphabet. yall this is an introductory class.

tuesday was a disaster. i woke up at 6 again, but was so beat from the day before that I decided to skip calc, on the grounds that it was all just review and the first unit was my best anyways. i forgot to set a follow up alarm, though, so i woke up naturally at 8:55. and then looked at my class schedule. and saw that my next class was at 9. luckily since i live by campus i was only 6 minutes late, but i forgot literally everything (didn’t bring my phone or my backpack) except for my wallet. I didn’t even have time to shower, or brush my teeth, or comb my hair. immediately after i was done with that class i went home and did all of those. I also went to the pet store to get a new filter for my fish, since my last one broke (after 2 years of having it, which i think is a good lifespan). I installed that, knit more of my gloves, then went back on campus for programming at 6. The professor didn’t even cover the syllabus, he just jumped straight into the lecture. one kid asked about the structure of the class, and at that point he gave a quick summary. it was clear we were all expecting him to start the lecture with the syllabus. i’m so annoyed that last semester i deleted codeblocks, the program used in the course, because i thought i was done with it, and now i have to reinstall it. tuesday evening i watched hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy, which i watched when i was like, 7, but forgot most of. 

wednesday, i woke up at 5:30, so that i would have more time to get ready. I sat in the front of calc, and took really great notes. we finally started getting into psychology, all about behavior and stuff. I did one of their stupid studies before class, it was this survey about “human social perception” but honestly it was asking about how lonely i am. and when you have to actually sit there and quantify how many friends you have, and how often you see them, it really puts it into perspective. kinda felt called out.

ya know how every semester, i creep on webcourses’ list of students in my class? well the cute girl in asl is named “anna” (as per how she introduced herself, it was the only name i could catch), and there’s only one anna in the class, and she has a crazy last name so it was p easy to find her on ig and twitter. i was scrolling down her twitter when i accidentally liked one of her tweets. i quickly unliked it, and i didn’t think she would have gotten the notification bc it was a retweet anyways, but shortly after that she followed me. and then i remembered that my most recent tweet was “so uhh whos gonna tell the cute girl in my asl class that i want to go out with her bc it sure as hell ain’t gonna be me” (cue my death). i deleted it and hoped she didn’t see it, but honestly if she followed me she prob saw it. i hoped that maybe bc i don’t have my real name listed on twitter that she wouldn’t know it was me, but in class i introduced myself as “jay” bc i forgot the symbol for s. pls kill me. and this all happened like 10 minutes before class started. I sat in the back, though, so we weren’t near each other. but at the end of the class we did an activity where we got a card with a word, and we had to find the person with the same card by signing it. we did like 4 rounds, and i was hoping we wouldn’t be together, but in the last round we were. we didn’t talk tho, and as soon as it was over i was gone. 

despite my period being nowhere near, i had a huge depressive episode last night. like, by her ig and twitter, she’s a Distinguished Gay in which she did a high school summer program with Stanford where she did heart surgery on a porcupine, and was an award winning thespian, and has tons of friends and a supportive family, where i’m the complete opposite: no friends, failed 3 classes, family hates me, chose a low paying career, needs alcohol to cope with life. This is one case where opposites don’t attract: she’s not gonna want to be with someone whose life is a complete mess. And then i just got to thinking about how rose tells me that mom lowkey thinks I’m a complete dissapointment for being gay and she only puts up with me bc it’s the muslim thing to do, and how the only way i can make her happy is me being single my whole life so she wouldn’t have to know. how i can never have love. and then rose texted asking for an update and i just kinda lashed out at her. why does she feel the need to tell me about mom talking shit? why would i want to hear that? yea i get the whole “don’t let others talk shit behind my back” idea but sometimes ignorance is bliss. i just don’t want to feel like a pile of shit for once in a while. and of course I’m still so resentful about the way that mom and dad treat rose like a damn golden child while i’ve never gotten 1/10 of the support she has.

This morning i went to calc, then comp, didn’t really pay attention in either. while in comp, heather texted me and was like “we should meet up soon.” rose also texted me; last week we were planning to meet up today but it was kinda dicey since we had that issue last night. and anyways at 11 she said “i got a job interview with izziban at 4, should i go” and i was just like “yea sure” bc i really don’t give a fuck. she always puts everything before me so why bother. then she got all like “if something’s wrong you need to tell me i can’t help if i don’t know what’s wrong” like, how about you read what i sent you last night, that details EVERYTHING that’s wrong. she later said she was gonna skip the interview bc she already has a job and she’s gonna do uber eats, and that she was just gonna have lunch with mom (since mom loves her enough to cook for her) and then head out my way. heather responded that we should meet at 1 today, so i told rose. rose said “should i wait for yall to finish and then come by?” but i havent responded bc i don’t want to see her (ever again).

I soft blocked anna on twitter bc i didn’t want her to see me talking about how i wanted to kill myself on main lmao. anyways i’m gonna go get a smoothie.