#but the free lunch is a nice bonus

[mixelation]

shinigami follows minato around for free lunch

funny. so does tori

[deus-ex-mona]

i’m 10000% out of patience ✨b y e✨

[notjanine]

i was so nervous about this first rotation of the semester bc it’s my first clinical rotation, actually working in a hospital, and almost every patient in the facility is elderly, which is the opposite of the patient population i want to work with. but this first week has been AMAZING and my supervisor is wonderful and i am already learning so much, she even let me see a patient all by myself today, during my first week!! last semester was ROUGH, but this is setting a good precedent for this one. my last one!!! i’m excited 🤓

[astrow0rldx]

PAC 18+ : their personal kinks

anyone friendly. lgbt friendly. future spouse, current partner, friend, stranger etc friendly. this is their kinks.

Pile One

signs: fifty shades of grey, outer banks. pussy waterpark.

off the bat, they have high standards. they are into high aesthetically pleasing woman, sex, sensuality and intimacy. they are into pleasure foreal foreal, and want to see you cum and wet the bet. they like to deeply connect, be vulnerable. they like mutualness in the bedroom, and need to feel connected and secure with sex. that is a kink for them. they may also have bathing suit kinks, camping/fishing/cabin/woods/camp/island/vacation sex kinks. they like beautiful woman though maybe siren looking woman, clean looking woman. woman who smell good, especially fruity scents. woman with nice jewelry, especially silver but gold too. woman with high worth in themself, and put themself together. they love kissing, calming, slow sex, foreplay, making out, the romantic part of sex, and love pretty titties. may love woman with naturally straight, or long hair.

their sexual KINKS are very toxic romantic games. they like the idea of having a high valuable, trophy of a woman. someone who's stable and beautiful and just thriving. and then their like the very smart, clever, masculine, controlling, detached man. they could also have business partner kinks, or mommy/daddy family kinks, where you guys work on serious life things together, good high status family. they have kinks about moving in with you, how it would be to live with you, have kids. but also the toxic dynamic of keeping you stuck, confused, making decisions. maybe making you jealous, doing sneaky things, being manipulative, or taking from you and you are just this delusional person. but you guys are where home is. even playing bad husband and little boy outside of the home. life responsibilities, and working together, like living together is a big kink of theirs. so thats probably why since they like stable woman they would want to do sneaky things and play that toxic masculine role someway. think about your person. wife/milf kink, and they would like if you would serve them as a wife. but you being their wife is still more about you, and your value as a woman. maybe stems from past relationship issues, mommy issues, relationship expectations issues, masculine/feminine roles etc.

They like to for you to come home for daddy, or daddy comes home to you. when they see you they just want to shut you up and stuff it in your mouth. come home to their wife, and fuck your face. they are the type of freaks, as you are being submissive and being their slut they want it to still be like "you my wife. you my baby" they like bedroom, house sex. they like the thought of after work sex. if you work with them, or live with them that's a bonus. they can stay with the same sexual partner, and try all type of new things. especially if they get comfortable enough to be so free. that dick is all yours baby. they also have kinks of like just being a business man, a free person, a person just on the go living life and your always there. you can come to them at night. your in your meetings, lunch break and your thinking about last night or what's to come when you see each other next. they like to see you undress, they like when you walk around with no panties on and easy access. they like cuddling, buddling up with you. even before bed. this is their kinks btw idk if its specifically for you, tell me if it shows up in you guys connection. they also may be into some sensory deprivation, on the romantic part, like depriving you from sex, or depriving themself, or when you do it to them. closing your legs, denying it when your near them and the tension could be strong. high kink on the value of yourself, and who you are as a independent woman to. if you don't live together, they like the idea of a woman bedroom and how its expressed like her sanctuary. especially living clean. they might have a lot of kinks to do with the pleasure of you on their dick, how your pussy feel, you pleasuring them, making each other nut. they have a exhibitionist kink where they want you and them to be naked, they like exposure, and fun times. they like other people probably knowing about it. they like to maybe show off their dick by choking you with it. they like choking in general though.

Pile Two

signs : p diddy. narcissist, misogynist.

they are into fun, free, carnal, raw, nasty animal sex. passion burning, any time anyplace, spread it open baby. they like hair, crazy hair days, even pubic/leg hair. they might like acne, strech marks, cellulite, natural pheromones, squirting/pee kinks. they like when people change positions. they like free spirited get into it, this is human nature type of sex. they like the adrenaline, and the anticipation. they like physical body to body sensations. they sexual kinks are kind of being a toxic man though, this is similar to pile ones. and its funny how i chose 2 strippers & a nude "available" woman as the pile pictures. they are really controlling. mentally controlling. they want to be in your head, control your head, make you feel emotions. they might want to be-little you and do them or betray you. not this is for them to you this is like some dark kinks of theres. they might be into heartbroken woman. they might be into hoes that turn hoes after hearbreak, or the kinky ness of the attachment, or emotional baggage that comes with after having sex with someone. this person may be highly experienced, and could be good in getting people in bed to have sex with them. their kink could be being able to get away with just picking whatever flower they want to out the garden, and conquesting them. they like to trap woman. im picking up dark energy, they could even take situations like p diddy and other tr... stuff freak offs or whatever relatable to their kinks. they could listen to music about get money fuck bitches. that seems a little gay to men and misogynistic.

they like the adrenaline to sex. even slight clothes, like v necks, bras, to imagine. they may like porn, or masturbating to sex. and when they do finally get some, and finally have a pussy delivered to them as a sneaky link, that's their kink. they like the chase too. and when it gets to the time they don't have time to be boring. they like it where you both are putting work in, like a workout. you might both be hot, sweaty, marks, its okay they want it all. toys involved, crazy kinky stuff, cameras. fucking like you wont ever see them again. again they like the chase, and sneaky link. gives me young energy. they may like to meet people in class, college, high school, work, projects, goals, financial things. and be that seducer to the wild side.

Pile Three

they want a girl to perform for them, maybe while both possible intoxicated. dim lights is a kink. seeing each other pass midnight. sneaky link/sneaking in, secret backrooms/sex work/running away from the party, lingerie, wigs, makeup, butt plugs. they are into femme fatale dolls. they like sexual woman who can tempt people into dark sexual things, and taboo sexual kinks. they like woman who are also more dominant, or first lead taker. they like woman with power, woman who are intense and can possess you. Scorpio energy. nothing casual about the sex, they want this to be transformative, deepening. they might even be into you or them breaking up a pre - existing relationship, or being someones side and what they really need. they like seductive woman with a lot of allure, mysterious woman you might not have a hold on, and can leave you. they might even be into sex workers or strippers where they do this for more as something transactional. and working with them is a kink, plus they are really lustful with a high sex drive. that's why they like woman that match they freak and use it to their power.

they are really horny a lot. but their favorite positions is missionary and anal sex. and putting it into both holes. they like makeup sex, where something ended but the spark is back, toxic sex, i miss you sex. like to do it all over the house, or the building. running from each other. a game of cat and mouse and power play. but they like when you express energy, toxic or sexual. they like it to be kinky and fetish sharing. they like the idea of giving you dick. like your theirs. they like being yours and you dominating them and taking their sex, money, and girlfriend even. those type of woman could be a kink for them.

[list4r]

Toji is a really good cook, despite what other people thinks. But of course he wasn’t always good at it. Before he met you it was just him so he put no effort into cooking. He would usually order takeout or cook some probably freezer burnt meal.

After meeting you he decided to try, of course the few practice runs ended up burnt or in the trash. The first meal he cooked for you wasn’t even anything simple, just a simple pasta dish that anyone could make. It was the look on your face when you told him how much you enjoyed it that made him want to cook for you more. The way your eyes lit up and the way you reassured him that it tasted good, great even that made his heart skip a beat even if he didn’t admit it.

“Oh cmon it can’t be that good, you’re just flattering me ain’t you?”

“No I’m serious Toji! This is the best pasta I’ve eaten in my entire life, nothing tops this.”

“Tch..” Toji scoffs, but really he was trying to hide the smile on his lips.

So ever since then he decided to dedicate his free time to honing his skills. He would watch videos, buy cookbooks, and learn your favourite foods so he could learn how to cook them, just for you. It has become your favourite thing too, being his taste taster. It was nice when you got to watch him do his thing while you didn’t have to lift a finger, well only to snatch up whatever he was cooking.

“How’d you even learn how to cook this well?” You ask him with a mouthful of ingredients.

“If you keep eatin’ all that there won’t be any left to actually finish the recipe.” He scoffs. “I guess it just runs in my blood I guess.”

But little do you know he learned specifically for you.

+ bonus points the way your coworkers gush in jealousy cause you always come in with the most delicious lunches 🙈 little do they know it’s the tough and scary man who picks who up from work who makes them

[loganwritesprobably]

Your Little.. Boyfriend?

Just a little something because there's not enough male reader content

Tags/Warnings: Crocodile/M!Reader, getting together, jealous!Crocodile, boss/employee, weird npc is obsessed w reader, implied canon-typical violence, possessive!Crocodile, first date

You'd been working for Sir Crocodile at rain dinners for a while now. You worked on the casino floor, waiting on guests who might need it while most of your co-workers worked the tables or at the bar. You were one of just two waiters, and that meant you were often stretched thin, working twice as hard as your other co-workers in order to do everything you needed to. But, damnit, you did your job well! You had already gotten a small raise, and you'd gotten a bonus last holiday season.

Crocodile wasn't at the casino often, attending to other business that he had. He was a busy man. But on the times that he was at the casino, you were usually sent to tend to him. Your waitress co-worker had been asked once but she hadn't been able to keep her nerve in the wake of such a large, intimidating man. You didn't mind, tending to Crocodile was usually a far less stressful job than tending to the general public.

You'd built somewhat of a rapport with him, to the point where he usually greeted you by name whenever you first came to see him during a visit, taking his first drink order of the day. He asked you for your thoughts on the casino sometimes, asked for information about the usual goings on of a day when he couldn't be there. You answered the questions to the best of your ability, but at first you'd also been prone to telling little white lies - you didn't want to disparage his establishment after all. Now? Now you'd freely tell him about problem employees and customers, things that needed changing, and ideas you had for the betterment of the casino. Sometimes, things changed and sometimes they didn't - he was free to make those choices himself of course, you were just honoured that he asked you at all.

Today, Crocodile was due to make another visit. You'd been told ahead of time, instructed to take care of your section until he arrived, and then it would be closed to help your co-worker while you tended to the man.

There was just one small problem. You had.. an enthusiastic customer, to put it politely.

The customer was a regular, and he always made sure to sit in your section and chat with you. It'd been nice at first, you made sure to give him excellent service for being a loyal customer, and it was nice that he liked you. Then he specifically waited for a table so he could sit in your section even if the entire other section was empty. He'd be there from open until close, buying something just often enough that he wasn't told to leave. He'd attempted to follow you on your lunch break more than once. He was starting to be scary, but you had to put on your best customer service face, because that was your job.

You closed your section, despite much complaining, and the customer attempted to follow you to Sir Crocodile. Thankfully, he spent his time in a private VIP area, so the security stopped the customer from following you. You had less than a minute to calm yourself down before making it to Crocodile, but you were fairly sure you'd managed.

"Good afternoon, Sir. How can I help you today?" You asked, cursing your slightly shaking voice.

"You know, I afford my employees here a lot of free reign, but this is incredibly unprofessional of you," Crocodile said, causing anxiety to start brewing in your stomach, "I'll take a whiskey." You nodded and set off to do that for him, desperately attempting to figure out what you'd done wrong.

And then he was gone. Crocodile had stood from the chair where he'd been lounging and left you in the VIP area out of harms way while he returned to the main area of the casino to find the customer that had been bothering you. The VIP area was soundproofed, so you could only guess what had happened while he was out there, but Crocodile returned with red knuckles and a small spatter of blood on his face. You were able to fill in the gaps.

Your stomach was in knots when you returned to Crocodile, setting his whiskey down on the table in front of him gently.

"I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of turn, sir, but I was wondering what I've done that you consider unprofessional?" You needed to know, and you could only hope that he'd explain so you could fix the behaviour.

"This is your work place, leave your little boyfriend at home next time." Crocodile told you, looking bored as if it should've been obvious that his was the issue, but you only found yourself more confused - you didn't have a boyfriend.

"I think there's been a miscommunication sir - I don't have a boyfriend. I'm single, I live alone." You replied, the tray you'd used to carry Crocodile's drink clutched tightly in your hand.

"Then who is the young man that has been obsessively following you?" He asked, his dismissive tone replaced by one more firm. He needed information and he needed it quickly.

"Just a customer sir." You told him, and you couldn't bear to make eye contact anymore, his hard gaze unnerving for the first time since you'd begun to work for the man.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You've been gone for a few weeks, he only started being so.. interested when you were gone. I haven't had a chance." You admitted. You'd been planning on telling him today anyway, it wouldn't be the first uncomfortable visitor he'd banned from the casino for mistreating his staff.

"Stay here. I'll be dealing with this one personally."

"Sir?" You asked softly, unsure what you were meant to do from here, what was expected of you next.

"I'm taking you out." Crocodile declared, gently taking the tray from your hand that you were still clutching, something to ground yourself with. You looked up at him blankly for a moment, just blinking, processing what he'd said.

"You're what?" You asked, needing some seriously clarification before you were able to process his words.

"Go home, get changed into something casual, be back here in three hours. I'm taking you out." He repeated, ushering you out the door. Out. On a date. Okay maybe you were getting ahead of yourself, maybe it wasn't a date, but just an outing. Bosses did those right? Sure, yeah. That must be it.

You headed home as you'd been instructed to, took a shower and scrubbed yourself within an inch of your life. You sprayed yourself with deodorant and cologne, hoping you could raise yourself to the standard Crocodile might expect from someone he was going.. out with. You agonised over what to wear, sure that nothing in your wardrobe was good enough for wherever you were headed. At least he'd said casual - that meant you were off the hook.

With a pair of nice trousers, patterned and made of a thin cotton that would allow the fabric to breathe to help with the heat, and a shirt in a different colour, only buttoned part way to display some of your chest - it still could be a date and there was nothing wrong with showing off a little on a date - you were ready to go. Go where, you still had no idea, but you were ready for it. Anywhere that Crocodile took you could only be wonderful.

It was definitely a date.

As requested, you returned to the casino to find Crocodile outside already waiting for you. For a second you were concerned that you were late, but Crocodile gave a small smile upon seeing you, using his sand to snuff out his cigar which was quickly disposed of.

"You look handsome." He said as you stepped up beside him, and it caught you off guard.

"Oh- thank you sir. You look quite dashing yourself." You replied and he softly laughed, offering his arm for you to take.

"Please, don't call me sir outside of work. Not unless you want me to drastically change our plans, and take you back to my bedroom." Your cheeks warmed quickly and you froze, eyes widening.

"I- yeah. Okay." You quickly nodded, hardly able to speak nevermind reply intelligently.

Crocodile took you to a small café, which was hardly what you'd been expecting, but apparently they did the best coffee in the area. After tasting it, you believed him. He indulged you by paying for everything, and banned talking about work, only allowing the two of you to talk about yourselves.

When you approached the casino again, the sun had begun to set and you'd only left because the café had closed. It had been nothing short of wonderful, but you had questions that you needed to ask before the two of you parted.

"I hope you had a good afternoon with me?" Crocodile asked, allowing you to take your arm back from his.

"I did, it was lovely. But, I have some questions."

"I'll do my best to answer them."

"Mainly.. why? I don't understand why you'd want to take me out like this. I didn't think I was your.. type." You dodged around the fact that what you really meant was you didn't think Crocodile was gay. He seemed the sort to enjoy having a pretty lady on his arm, not.. you.

"Well, you shouldn't assume those sorts of things. I've entertained both men and women in my life," Crocodile said first, and you were embarrassed to know he understood what you'd meant quite clearly, because you had assumed he was right, "and I suppose I should've made my intentions clearer,"

"at first I was away on business, but I extended my stay after Miss All Sunday notified me of your little fan. I admit it was childish, but I've been interested in you for some time now, and I thought I'd lost my chance. When I heard today that his attentions were unwanted, I took it upon myself to take care of the issue, and then I knew I had to ask you on a date myself. I couldn't risk letting you get away again."

You couldn't see anything wrong with that.

His confession made your head spin and your palms sweat. What? Your own feelings that you'd been harbouring for your employer were requited, and had been for a time now.

"I've had a little thing for you for a while as well, actually. I have to admit. I kind of convinced myself I didn't have a chance with you." You replied, and Crocodile tilted your chin so you were looking up at him, also bending down so you were more level, his eyes locked on yours.

"I think you're stunning. I only wish I'd pursued you sooner, you could've been trussed up in the finest fabrics, sleeping in my bed, and far from the scum that decided he had any right to try to touch you." His words made your heart flutter and stomach flip. He really wanted all of that?

"I should've known you'd be a possessive man."

"Oh I am. Incredibly so. If you agree to this with me, there will be no getting away from it. You'll be mine. My boy."

SFW Requests Open Only

AO3 | Fanfic Masterlist | Request Rules | Recs

Tags: @claryeverlarkf @uselessboots @cainnoable @discordantwritings

[lowkeyrobin]

MCYT ; you ride a bike

includes ; tommyinnit, ranboo, badlinu, nihachu, & quackity

warnings ; language

I love passenger princessing my mom on her trike so here's this

masterlist

TOMMYINNIT

he's absolutely mortified to get on the back with you at first

you convince him to just ride him around the neighborhood nice and slow and he over time gets used to it because you suggest going short distances on it rather than taking a bus and stuff

he grows on it though

his helmet has some stickers on it, one literally says tommyinnit.store in bold font 💀💀💀

either holds on the sidebars thatre there for him to hold or around your waist

he finds the wind against him therapeutic

the butterflies when you turn around and ask if he's okay, especially when it's dark and cold

constantly snapping jack, freddie & tubbo pictures of him on your bike/riding around with you/where you go

posts a lot of pictures on his Instagram

most of them are you & the scenery

"do you wanna learn how to drive a bike?"

"no???"

he unironically loves shouting at shit drivers who cut you off or try to get you killed

"WATCH IT ASSHOLE! YOU ALMOST GOT US KILLED, USE A BLINKER NEXT TIME!"

loves going over bridges

if he has somewhere to be after a ride, he'll gladly show up with his hair a mess and ass hurting since you need to put a few more pounds of air in his seat LMAO

"okay, so-"

"Tommy, why are you limping?"

RANBOO

he's 50/50 on being scared and wanting to get on with you

they man up and just do it after lots of reassuring

so many pictures lmao

litters his helmet with stickers and white marker doodles

has a sticker of the boober particle + one that just says ranboo.fashion in comic sans

he finds the air against him very therapeutic

loves going down backroads and finding new restaurants

always taking pictures, mostly of you

loves wearing his R800 jacket cause it keeps him warm + free promo

makes "I'll jump off rn" jokes

likes spreading his arms out like an eagle and will yell over the engine LMAO

loves bumps even though they'll hurt immediately after

FREDDIE BADLINU

you ask if he wants to come and he shrugs with a yeah

his first ride was at night so he got to enjoy all the lights and night life

takes a bunch of pictures and videos and sends them to Bill or Tommy

changes his insta bio to "my biker partners passenger prince" + bonus points if that's how he softlaunches your relationship

convinces you to go through a drive thru

eating lunch in the sun was a 10/10, will do it again

takes some cute pictures at stops/lights where he's leaning onto you a bit and he holds the phone in front of you to get both of you

wears dumbass hoodies/jackets w the dumb shit on the back to make ppl look at him weird or smile a bit

he'll show up to Tommy's live show (part of the bit) with messy hair and come on stage and tommy will look at him confused

Freddie asks him what's wrong and tommy just points and circles around his hair and the crowd laughs

"I was with my partner"

cue the laughing

"wait what?" Tommy laughs

"we were riding around the city before we got here, sorry"

NIKI NIHACHU

she thinks it's so cool, trust me

but like Tommy, she's very nervous to get on at first

you take her for a little ride around a parking lot and she's like "Okay I liked that let's actually go now"

her helmet has all sorts of stickers on it, but they're placed to look cool

there's a snake hide looking one down the middle and some cool patterned ones on the sides

she loves the wind in her hair and the feeling of being free

loves taking pictures of the scenery and even using you as a model

loves posting those pictures online for her fans to see

her editor fans always edit the pictures you two take together when you're out and about and whatnot it's so cool

you custom made her a leather jacket that fit her aesthetic

and she's super attached to it

she'll change her insta bio to "that one biker chicks girlfriend" LMAO

she spoils you like you're the one with the large social media platform its adorable

ALEX QUACKITY

"SINCE WHEN THE HELL DID YOU RIDE A BIKE???"

he thinks it's really badass tho

he'll gladly jump on with you

he's honestly scared after getting on but loses the fear pretty quickly

lovesss holding his arms out like a bird it's so fun to him

constantly asking you to tighten his helmet LMFAO

he finds it really entertaining in general

although if he's not wearing a full face covering helmet and wearing one of the head covering ones, you'll have to listen to his wailing later

his hair isn't long enough to completely pull back and the wind obviously tangles it up bad

so you gotta sit him down and try and carefully like de-matte his hair

he loves taking pictures and posting them tho, especially ones of you LMAO

sometimes he'll go the extra mile to give it a corny caption too

you change his insta bio to "passenger prince of the year"

always feels a little special and giggly when you ask if he's okay, especially when it's getting darker and much colder

"I told you to just wear the-"

"I know! please just do it for me! it hurts!"

"either grow your hair out or wear the other, lex"

[yelenasdiary]

Hey, I saw you wanted ppl to request some drabbles, and if that was something you still wanted, how about yn works in retail, but in a store that has the only brand of mac and cheese yelena likes, so finding out its sold out, but not wanting to see this attractive woman sad, yn asks for her details so she can call when they get some in. Which in turn she keeps the whole stock that comes in and calls yelena, and yelena wanting to thank her by asking her out. Bonus for a Fanny cameo? is this okay?

Drabble || Just For You

Pairing: Yelena Belova x Reader (Platonic)

Summary: When a new customer quickly becomes a regular to buying out as many boxes of the store's Mac n Cheese has you intrigued so when the store has none left, the blonde is disappointed she'll miss out on her favourite snack, until you assure her that next stock is all hers.

Fluff

Warnings: None, this isn't corrected or proof read. | 1K

AC: I love this so much!! Thank you for sending it!! I hope you enjoy this x

You saw the disappointment on her face as she made her way towards you at the check-out. You greeted her with a soft smile when she placed her items down.

"Hi, how are you today?" you asked as you grabbed one of the cans of dog food and scanned it. The woman sighed, "I see you're out of Mac n cheese" she replied.

"Yeah, unfortunately we sold the last few boxes in the lunch rush" you said, scanning her next item and placing it into a paper bag for her. The blonde comes in every few weeks and likes to buy at least eight boxes of Mac n cheese, it was very clear it was one of her favourite meals and the sadness on her face told you she was really looking forward to ending her day with a bowl of her favourite food.

"But, hey, I tell you what. I've seen you in here a few times so why don't you leave your name and number and when our stock delivery arrives in a few days I'll make sure you're the first person to get their hands on it" you added.

The green eyed woman's face lit up, she smiled, "You'd do that? for me?" she said, her Russian accent coming in thick.

"Of course. You're like the only person I have ever seen that buys more than two boxes of it" you replied making the two of you to chuckle before you handed her a piece of scrap paper and a pen. She wrote down her details while you scanned the rest of her items.

"That'll be $15.68" you smiled once more as she handed you back the paper and pen, "Yelena" you read, looking up at her.

"Y/n" she replied, looking at your name badge, you chuckled, "It's finally nice to put a name to such a beautiful face" you said. Your compliment took Yelena back for a moment, "well, it's not every day a beautiful check out worker wants to take my name and number" she replied, her cheeks slightly red. She paid for her items and thanked you for being so kind.

----

"Y/n, could you please more the new stock so it's ready for stacking" your manager asked just as you finished up checking out the last customer in your line. "Sure, I just need a quick toilet break first" you replied before making your way to the employee bathroom.

You pulled out the piece of paper Yelena wrote her name and number down on and began to punch in her number into your phone. It rang a few times before you were greeted with her thick Russian accent.

"Yelena speaking" she answered.

"Hi, Yelena, it's Y/n. We got our stock in today and I am about to get it ready for stacking. If you're free, did you want to come down and pick up the boxes?"

"Hey, of course! Fanny and I are just on our daily walk, we'll be there in 10 minutes or so"

"Sounds awesome, please tell me Fanny is your dog" you chuckled.

"What else would I be walking?" Yelena replied, "we'll see you soon" she added before hanging up.

You had just finished up stacking a product when you saw Yelena walking towards you, "You made it" you smiled, unsure why you even made that comment. She smiled softly, "yeah, you should've seen the crap I had to put up with before walking through the door" she chuckled, making you blush.

"You must be pretty hungry then" you replied, "I've saved you a few boxes, come with me" you added. Yelena couldn't help but noticed the newly stocked section of Mac n cheese that reminded her how excited she was to finally get her hands on her favourite snack. You led her into the backroom, the manger was on lunch so you knew you were safe.

"So, I'm not sure if you have a car or anything but by box, I mean I saved you a whole crate" you turned on your heels, smiling at the blonde. Yelena's eyes widened, "you saved me a whole crate?" she asked, just to be sure.

"Yeah! I may or may not have noticed how much you like this brand and considering we are the one of the only stores that sell it in the city, I thought why not give you enough to keep you going! Oh, and you'd be saving money" you replied excitingly.

Yelena's smile only grew bigger, "I guess I'll have to call my sister, I don't think Fanny will approve of pulling this bad boy home" she replied with a chuckle.

----

A few days had past and you were just about to clock out, serving the last customer in your checkout when Yelena had walked in. "I didn't think I'd see you back here so soon" you greeted her with a smile as you began to tidy up your check out.

Yelena chuckled, "don't worry, I'm not here for more Mac n cheese" she replied.

"I'm glad! I would be a little concerned if you were! What can I help you with?" You asked.

"Are you busy after your shift?" she asked. You shook your head, "nope, just going home and hitting the gym a little later" you replied.

"How do you feel about skipping gym and maybe having dinner with me?" Yelena asked. You paused and looked up at her, smiling softly, "I've skipped the gym for the last three days, what's another day going to do?" you replied, causing Yelena to smile.

"Great! I'll let you finish up and I'll meet you outside with Fanny" she spoke before slowly walking towards the entrance.

Once you had finished tidying up and gathering your things from your locker, you met Yelena outside where she waited with her dog, Fanny, sitting by her feet. The dog wagged her tail as she greeted you, "she's adorable! what's her name again?" you asked, giving the pup at good pat.

"Fanny" Yelena replied, you didn't question the slightly odd name choice. "How do you feel about loaded hot dogs and a walk through the park?" Yelena asked.

"This is going to sound a little odd but I have been craving one of them all day!" you smiled.

Taglist: @marvelfan98 | @boredandneedfanfics | @music-4ever | @marvelwomen-simp | @swaqcenix | @scarlettbitchx | @mallyka-blog | @itsalwaysskorpioszn | @caporal-nino | @natashamaximoff-69 | @evilcr0ne | @boredandneedfanfics | @teganmiller | @ihavezeroclue13 | @tobiaslut | @itsmelulu | 

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[writeforfandoms]

State of My Head - bonus

Find the series masterlist

We all seem to be in a bit of a fun mood tonight so! Have a cute date between Gaz and his cat. 

Warnings: allusions to spicy times, kissing, shifter behavior, fluff, Gaz is the cutest. 

Word count: 721

You'd seen plenty of springtimes, had smelled many flowers and hunted many critters. 

And yet this one right in front of you might take the cake. 

Gaz had shuffled you into a car early that morning, refusing to tell you where he was taking you, only grinning and near-bouncing with energy. You did note the basket he'd set in the back. So wherever he was taking you, he was at least planning to feed you. 

It couldn't be all bad, then. 

"Here we are," Gaz told you, parking the car. In the middle of nowhere. "Just a quick walk to where I wanna take you, yeah?"

You eyed him for a moment and then grinned. "Just a reminder that if you try to leave me here, I will make you regret it." 

Gaz laughed, leaning over the center console to kiss you. "I would never," he murmured, bumping his forehead into yours affectionately. 

"In that case… lead on." You smiled, kissing him once more before you got out of the car.

Gaz carried the basket, leading the way through a nice little wooded area. It was very pretty, almost too idyllic with the spring sunshine filtering down through the leaves, tinting the air faintly green. And the smells were near overwhelming, so much richer than base. 

Finally, though, Gaz stepped out of the woods and you paused, eyes going wide. A field of wildflowers stretched out in a natural clearing, a riot of colors and scents. 

"Here we are," Gaz said, sneaking little looks at you. You were busy drinking in the beauty of the spot and the day and the thoughtfulness of your person. "Do you–?" 

You didn't let him finish the question. You turned and kissed him, throwing your arms around his shoulders to pull him closer. His noise of surprise quickly turned to approval, his free hand landing on your hip. 

The flowers were momentarily forgotten as you enthusiastically showed Gaz just how much you appreciated this. 

Finally, though, you settled down to actually eat. Gaz had packed a nice lunch for the two of you, and let you take whatever you wanted. 

After the two of you ate, he flopped back in the sun, stretching out. He peeked over at you with a fond little smile. 

"'S safe here," he mumbled. "I checked. You can shift here." 

You didn't waste any time, immediately throwing off your clothes (and ignoring Gaz's wolf whistle) before you shifted. 

The world was always bigger from this perspective, but no less beautiful. You sniffed any flower that caught your eye, meandering through the flowers. At one point, the flowers had grown so tall that they were over your head, which was amusing. You bounced up out of that patch, hearing Gaz laugh somewhere behind you. 

And then you found the perfect patch of sunshine and flopped over on your side, purring softly. The grass and flowers made for a nice soft napping spot, and the sunshine was warm on your fur. 

You didn't move even as you heard Gaz move, even as you felt him settle next to you. One long finger gently stroked the top of your head, and you opened your eyes enough to slow-blink at him, purring louder. 

"Knew you'd like this," he murmured, gaze adoring. "You're especially beautiful in the sunshine, love. Suits you." 

You tipped your head to lick his finger, still rumbling with a deep purr. He just hummed, resting there and moving his hand at your insistence so you could continue grooming him. 

At some point you actually did fall asleep, warm and content with Gaz's hand trapped between your front paws tucked against your chest. 

Finally, though, he moved with a quiet apology, and you shifted back. You'd say you didn't care that you were nude, except you tilted yourself in such a way to invite his gaze. 

"Do we have to leave already?" You asked with a little pout. 

"Maybe not quite yet," he murmured, something hungry in his gaze as he leaned over you, one hand planted in the flowers beside your head. "We've got a little time, love." 

"Good." With a wicked smile, you pulled him down on top of you, intent on wringing every moment of pleasure out of the sun-soaked afternoon you could. 

Multiple times, if you were lucky.

[senatortedcruz]

if you're bored/free can you drop some easy/healthy recipe recs from goop? pref vegetarian but it's fine if not. have a great day mr senator

I beyonndddd gotchu i don't think any of these are vegetarian tho I'm so sorry

This sandwhich fucking rules

Made this for dinner last night and it's the best shit in the world. I did not make my own sausage tho because I'm lazy just bought turkey sausage from the store. Lifehack: while it's in the oven fry up a lil runny egg to throw on top

When I make this i save a little and bring it to work for lunch the next day. Life changing stuff. I also throw a little red pepper on here

Healthy, zesty, could not be easier to cut up some zucchini and shallots, throw it on some fish and toss in the oven. I turn to this recipe frequently.

I've done the savory version of the loaded baked sweet potato a few times. Toss in some roasted chickpeas for some protein.

Haven't made this in a bit but when I tried it I remember loving it.

BONUS: I have not made this yet but I was scrolling through goop and got inspired it looks so fucking good. Maybe when I go grocery shopping next week.

[novlr]

Hi I’m interested in writing, but idk how and where to start. Any advice?

Starting your writing adventure can seem daunting, but it’s actually the best time to have fun and discover what the craft means to you. And to get started with writing, I have a few basic concepts to consider.

Whether you’re writing poetry, a novel, short stories, nonfiction, or even screenwriting, the below concepts are versatile, and work as general steps on how to start.

Let’s dig in!

Start small, build a habit

The first thing to do to get started with writing is to actually start writing. Earth-shattering response, I know.

Start with finding a small routine that works best for your schedule and try it for about two weeks to gauge if changes are needed.

For example, you can spend five minutes during lunch every day to type whatever is on your mind. Then, once that becomes an instinctual habit, increase it to 10 minutes. You can also experiment with half-hour increments every other day, or, your routine becomes writing a few hours on the weekend because of your work schedule.

There’s no magical writing routine you should force yourself to do. Everyone has their own pace, and it’s up to you to find yours. There’s no wrong answer to this.

Experiment, adapt, and find your flow. Finding a routine can take a few tries, and that routine can also change after a significant life event (you can also have a different version of the routine for low energy days). So no need to be rigid with yourself. But once you find your flow, do it as consistently as possible.

As for what to write: write about your day, let out an emotion, tell a story from childhood, practice talking as a character; whatever fancies you at that moment. As long as you’re writing, whether it’s 5 or 5,000 words, you’re doing it right!

P.S. Looking for more on building a writing habit? Our course “Write to Play” helps you get started with writing and learn to enjoy it! Our Discord Community also hosts weekly writing sprints and other activities, so you can connect with fellow writers and work on goals together. Both are free to join.

Ask why you want to write

Writing may look like a glamorous career or hobby, but as with many things, it takes effort. And your level of writing effort depends on why you write in the first place.

Some people get started with writing because they think publishing something will make quick bucks. But it should never be about the money (although money is a nice bonus). Writing is about community and entertainment via the oldest form of connecting with others: storytelling.

We write because we love to tell stories. We write because we want to share a message with others through written expression. We write because we are natural creators of worlds and characters that weave adventures.

So ask yourself why you really want to write. Do you want to connect with others through your personal experiences? Is there a message you want to share with the world? Do you want to entertain the masses with meaningful adventure? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, great news! You’re on the right track.

If you need a “why” example, I’ll give you my reason for writing poetry and fiction. It’s to advocate mental health and self-worth.

After going through a personal journey of discovering self-acceptance, I want people to follow their hearts and core desires, and to love themselves for who they are. Because that’s true happiness–valuing your core identity.

Genre and theme

Genre and theme are two vital things you need to get started with writing.

Genre is fairly straightforward. Most aspiring writers already have one in mind. However, if you’re not sure where to start, think about the genres that your favorite books, movies, or TV shows are, and go from there.

Do you like epic fantasy and adventure? Try the action genre. Do you enjoy dystopian settings questioning the ethics of society? Society and worldview are great for getting deep and philosophical. Or do you love a character rising to the top with a successful career or sports tournament? Look into performance and status.

Theme takes a little more effort, but if you spend time on your “why,” that will help significantly! Because the theme you write about, from a poem to a novel, typically derives from your “why.”

Take my own “why” again as an example. Since it’s about mental health, I spend my days on themes of self-discovery, societal influence on “success,” inner demons, acceptance–the list goes on. But they all come from my overarching goal to show how valuing your true self brings real happiness.

Here’s another example: say you have a personal experience of winning a sports tournament because you pushed yourself, even though you wanted to give up. Perhaps that’s inspiration for a project with the message, “with effort comes reward.” That theme opens all kinds of opportunities, from looking at the best-suited genre to what kind of story and character to write about.

Which leads to my next concept! 

Characters and story basics

Genre and theme play right into your characters and story. This is where we dive into some mechanics of storytelling, starting with the concept of story and characters, and then how the theme and genre affect them to create a basic project outline.

To start, your story is the external sequence of obstacles your character faces, leading to learning the theme at the end. Your character is the one going through the story’s external events while internally processing them.

Your theme then determines the “what” in your story: what message the story shares to readers at the end, and what core events lead to the theme reveal. Meanwhile, the character(s) are the “who” being affected by the theme throughout the story.

With that, the theme determines the beginning and end of your story, as well as the path of growth for your character to experience. This is the bare minimum you need when writing a project, like a novel or short story. Even if you don’t use outlines.

For the end of the story, we already mentioned the theme reveal; and that’s typically portrayed through the character facing a final challenge–like a big boss fight. And through that challenge, the character grows from learning the theme. So the theme dictates the end of the story by what the final event and message are, and who the character becomes after growth (or lack of, for tragic ending). 

From there, we can move backwards to the beginning of the story. In storytelling, the ending is the opposite of the beginning. So, if the story’s end has a character learning the theme through a final challenge, then the story’s beginning introduces that character with a major flaw to overcome by learning the theme; while starting the sequence of obstacles that eventually leads to the theme reveal at the end.

Just like that, you have the theme crafting the basics of your story with a dynamic character!

But let’s dive further with genre. Genre helps plot the “how,” as in, how your story and character’s journey are told (i.e. action, romance, etc). Each genre has specific conventions for a story to follow, thus acting as a great template to plot lengthier projects like novels.

For example, romance genres start the story with two characters meeting as potential love interests (the meet cute), and typically end with them falling in love. Thus, if you choose romance as your genre, then you work your theme, story, and character(s) into those parameters.

Once you do that, you’ll notice you’ll have a basic outline for a project. Shall we go through an exercise to see the magic?

Let’s go back to the theme example of “with effort comes reward,” and combine it with a character, story, and genre.

Based on that theme, the character needs a major flaw at the story’s beginning, one to overcome by learning the lesson. Also, the beginning starts a sequence of obstacles that must lead to the character getting rewarded from effort.

So let’s create a character who believes everything comes easily to them–someone born into a rich family and had everything handed to them at a young age. That’s the flaw. And for the sequence of obstacles to start their growth, we’ll have the character lose their inheritance, forced to figure out how to live on their own.

These obstacles become the hardships of living without wealth. That way, by the end of the story, the character comes face to face with the theme, realizing if they want “reward” (or perhaps fulfillment), they must put effort into what they do. The story thus ends with the character growing and understanding it’s worth working toward something.

Now add the romance parameters mentioned above for genre. After the character loses their inheritance, they meet someone at a local store; one who becomes friends and helps tackle the character’s personal dilemma. This also helps the character realize genuine happiness as they also fall in love. Therefore, they find their path through their own efforts, without inherited wealth, and live happily ever after.

Tackle that mindset

There’s only one mindset every writer needs to have before they get started with writing, and that’s this phrase:

Perfection is failure.

Trust me, as a healing perfectionist, that sounds wild. But here’s something crazier.

Not even your published work will be perfect.

You will always reread your work and think a word needs tweaking, or a character needs different reactions in dialogue. Some published books still have typos, too.

With projects like novels, most writers never finish their first draft because they spend time and energy editing the story as they write. To perfect it as they go.

But you don’t know how the novel goes until you write to the end of it. 

Like creativity, your project will change and flow. Especially in the beginning, as your first draft is the discovery draft; the foundation of the project. That’s not the time for tweaking, but the time for building.

So allow your first draft to be messy. Get the whole concept out first. Then, you will have better knowledge on how to edit the entire project. Not just parts of it that might change anyway as you get closer to the end. Don’t waste your precious time and creativity like that.

This is the same for me with poetry. I always focus on the poem’s core message first, then I’ll play with pretty prose and rhyming.

So focus on the journey of writing the draft and getting the full idea down. Again, creativity is fluid. Allow your writing to be the same.

My favorite book coach discusses perfectionism with the analogy of baking a cake. You can’t put icing on a cake without letting it fully bake first. Finish baking your draft to the end, then add the icing edits.

And there you have it! Those are my five main concepts to remember to get started with writing. And those are merely the tip of the iceberg of what the craft has to offer you–but remember, this is the time to have fun and discover!

Are you ready to dive in and get started with writing? I can’t wait to see what you create.

Happy writing!

[agirlwithdemonblood]

Breaking Free: Chapter 11- Finding My Place

Pairings: AU! Mechanic Dean x Reader

Chapter Summary: With unwavering support, Y/N starts to find her place, and her people.

Series Masterlist here!! & Main masterlist here!

For the first few days after the officer's visit, I spent my time indoors, too afraid to risk going outside, anxious about meeting any sign of Andrew in town. I knew escape wouldn't be that simple; Andrew was surely planning his comeback.

Dean was hesitant to go back to work, but I convinced him to return. He'd come home for lunch every day and he was always checking in on me with texts and calls. He was really sweet, and overprotective, and his care touched my heart deeply.

I was sitting on the couch when Dean came in, his familiar voice calling out, "Y/N, It's me, I'm home." just like he did every day to reassure me I was safe, it was a small act that melted my heart every time he did it.

He looked surprised to see me standing instead of in my wheelchair. He hurried over, smiling but also a bit concerned. "No more chair?"

I shook my head. "My cast comes off next week, so I'm trying to get used to walking again."

He nodded, leaning in to kiss my forehead. "I brought you lunch."

I smirked, teasing him gently. "You know, I could make something for you, considering you come home for lunch every day."

He chuckled softly. "I just like being with you." We sat down to eat, chatting casually, like we always did.

Suddenly, his eyes lit up as he remembered something and grabbed my hand. "Oh, I have news for you."

I waited eagerly as he smiled wider. "I talked to John, and if you still want the secretary job, it's yours. You can start whenever you're ready."

I was surprised and happy, laughing softly. "He offered me the job?"

Dean beamed, squeezing my hand. "Yes, he brought it up himself. He wants to help and thinks you'd be a great addition to the team."

I chuckled. "Are you sure it's not just because I'm dating his son?"

Dean blushed but shook his head. "That's just a bonus. Seriously, you're good with people, polite, and kind. You'll fit right in."

I couldn't contain my happiness, though worry crept in. Dean noticed, squeezing my hand tighter. "What's wrong?"

I shrugged, sighing softly. "Half of your customers are from town... How will they react to seeing me behind the counter? They don't exactly like me."

Dean shook his head adamantly, moving closer. "If anyone gives you trouble, John will handle it. Trust me, he's on your side."

I nodded, feeling reassured and more at ease about the situation.

I smiled widely and nodded. "I guess I can't say no."

His smile grew wider as he leaned in to kiss me gently yet passionately. "I'll love seeing you every day."

I laughed, pushing him back playfully. "Dean, we live together. You already see me every day."

He teased back, "It's not enough!"

I shook my head affectionately, kissing him again. "You'd keep me glued to your side if you could."

He raised his eyebrows mischievously. "Oh, don't tempt me, sweetheart."

The next morning, I woke up with a mix of nervousness and excitement, ready to start my new job at the shop. Dean left earlier that morning, and promised to come back to pick me up for when I was supposed to go in.

He greeted me with a warm smile as I emerged from our apartment, his eyes sparkling with pride and affection.

"Morning, sleepyhead," he teased gently, opening the car door for me.

I chuckled softly, feeling a rush of gratitude for his unwavering support. "Thanks for the ride. I'm a bundle of nerves today."

Dean flashed a reassuring grin as he started the car. "You're going to do great. They're going to love you there."

As we pulled up to the shop, Dean reached over to squeeze my hand before I got out. "I'll swing by during lunch to see how you're settling in."

I walked inside and found John waiting for me by the front desk, a bright smile spread across his face, one I wasn't used to seeing, but was a welcoming change. "Nice to see you Y/N, thanks for coming in!"

I smiled and nodded, "Thank you for this opportunity."

He nodded and brought me to the break room where a few other workers were hanging out and chatting, but went silent when we walked in. "Everyone, this is Y/N. She'll be joining us as our new secretary."

The team, consisting of both men and women, welcomed me warmly. They all introduced themselves, and I immediately felt a sense of friendship among them.

John took me around the shop, showing me where everything was and getting me set up at my desk. He was patient and cautious, making sure I felt comfortable before he had to leave to work on some cars.

Throughout the morning, I enjoyed getting to know my new colleagues. They were genuinely friendly and helpful, eager to include me in conversations and show me the ropes. For the first time in a while, I felt like I belonged somewhere.

As I was chatting with a couple of the guys, I noticed Dean across the shop, sleeves rolled up, working diligently on a car. Despite being covered in grease and sweat, there was an undeniable charm about him that made my heart flutter. Seeing him in his element, doing what he loved, only made me admire him more.

Halfway through the day, just as I was starting to settle in, the door chimed and a familiar face walked in—the waitress from the diner. Her expression turned from surprise to lightly masked hatred when she saw me behind the counter. "Oh god. You work here seriously?"

I could barely speak, my throat was tight and my anxiety bubbled up, regretting this choice. She continued, "Why don't you just leave? You don't belong here."

Before I could even respond, John appeared beside me, his arms crossing in defense as he glared at the woman. "If you have a problem with my new staff member, you're welcome to find another place to get your car fixed."

The girl was taken aback by John's defense of me. She muttered something unintelligible and hastily left the shop, casting one last resentful glance in my direction.

John turned to me with a reassuring smile and a wink. "I've got your back, Y/N. Welcome to the team."

I was speechless, overwhelmed by John's unexpected support. It meant more to me than I could express in words. With a grateful nod, I returned to my work, feeling a newly discovered sense of confidence.

Later that afternoon, during our break, I found myself sitting with Dean and his friends, watching them banter and joke around. Dean was the center of attention, his friends teasing him good-naturedly.

Benny-the one that I've gotten to know quite a bit today, nudged him playfully. "So, Dean, when are you going to put a ring on it? You're always talking about Y/N."

Dean's cheeks turned a cute shade of pink as he chuckled shyly. "Come on, guys..."

His friends grinned knowingly. "Seriously, though, we're glad she's here. You seem happier."

Dean glanced at me with a soft smile, and my heart swelled with affection. "Yeah, I am."

Being surrounded by Dean and his supportive friends, feeling accepted and valued at the shop, I realized that this was where I belonged.

For the first time in a long time, I felt like I had found my place—not just at the shop, but in Dean's life as well. And as I watched him laugh with his friends, I couldn't help but fall even more deeply for the man who had stood by me through everything, making me feel safe and loved in ways I had never imagined possible.

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! Chapter 12 coming soon stay tuned!

Like, comment, and reblog, feedback is my fuel 💕

[loserlvrss]

꒰ 𝐂𝐔𝐏𝐈𝐃 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐏𝐒𝐘𝐂𝐇𝐄 ꒱ 최승철 & 최한설

summary : you'd gone on a couple of dates between your schedule of running a cafe, complications emerging when two of your closest flings admit their love and leave you confused

genre : fluff, angst, cafe-owner!reader, artist!vernon, surgeon!scoups, bestfriend!dino, bestfriend!seungkwan, love-triangle, comedy, multi x afab!reader tws : language, suggestive content, emetophobia, reader is very insecure, anxiety, mentions of sex author notes : for @mintchocosan. i sincerely hope it's what you were looking for. i'm so down bad for these two men, istg it was so difficult to decide. thank you so much for requesting! i'm so so so sorry it took too fucking long :c forgive me & thank u for being understanding, happy holidays & new years. word count : 9.2k

“chan,” you turned, watching as the dark-haired man began to audaciously ignore you, a smile to his face. “can you help the customer, please?” 

at that moment, another employee came from the back, swinging the door dramatically against its hinges and sighing out. he passed chan on the way, smacking the back of his head and walking to the register. chan yelped in protest—his eyes shooting everything that wasn’t suitable for the friendly atmosphere of your café at him in retaliation.

the man proceeded to take the order, the customer stifling a laugh at the antics of your best—and basically only—friends. 

he joined the two of you with a slip of paper, handing it off to you and leaning against the counter. he sighed over-dramatically again, earning another side-eye from chan. “y/n, why must you hire such incompetent people? you should take it out of his paycheck, or something—give me a bonus for being so good to your café.” 

you chuckled, pouring the heated milk into the drink you were making. “seungkwan… play nice.” 

chan scoffed. “yeah, seungkwan, play nice.” 

“you both make the day go by a little faster,” seungkwan boasted silently, chan doing the same at your side as he put a lid on the cup you had just passed. “don’t let it get to your big heads, though.”

“chan does have a big head! in fact, if it got any larger we might have to order a custom hat for his bad hair—correction, normal hair days.” 

chan's gaze deepened on the older of the pair, you laughed and took the finished product from the younger, handing it to the waiting customer. they thanked you and walked off; probably to join the bustling streets on their way into work—like you've been at since 4am. 

now that the only customer's were the ones getting a morning study-sesh in. chan jumped at seungkwan, miming a kick you'd see in action movies from time-to-time; when you'd have time to indulge in self-care and actually watch one. 

you watched the pair play-fight for a minute before your phone pinged in the front pocket of your tan-colored apron. your hand reached in and pulled it out, looking at the lit up lock screen of linked hands. you read the notification, barely registering that it happened to be outside of your head. 

"yeah," seungkwan took the phone from your hand, your attempt to get it back in vain when he held it above his head. "we should be free for lunch, but why are you asking y/n? we all eat together anyways." 

chan hummed, pressing his lower back into the countertop and crossing his arms. 'i'm actually not sure if i will be. i've been seeing this doctor recently, his schedule is so hectic that i drop everything for him when he texts me—" another ping! rang out, cutting him off briefly. "ah! that must be him right now!" 

seungkwan moved excitedly, reading the text aloud for the whole of the place to hear. "i just had a really stressful night and i just want to see your face, let me know if you can meet." his mouth dropped open. "he even put a heart! chan, look at this!"

"stop!" you whined, chan lifting from his relaxed position and holding you back effortlessly. he nodded for the older to go on with typing—seemingly from his facial expressions—a well thought-out reply.

"guys, i'm so busy. don't say yes right now. seungkwan, you'll have no fingers if you continue to type—oh my god, i'm going to fire you both. we won't be friends anymore, seungkwan, chan, stop it right now—i’m serious." 

seungkwan handed the phone back casually, obviously ignoring your lifeless threats. "great, i'll see you later at your place... don't forget to wrap it up. but he’s a doctor, he should know the risks." 

you shot them a serious glance, that soon morphed into a pleading one. "guys, i have a meeting, which i was trying to tell you—"

"we know. we said you'd meet afterwards. anyways, the painter is coming soon. as in, this morning. y/n, we're not stupid. and besides, who fucks during the day?” 

chan threw his hand up. “well, i'm not stupid—you, however, could've fooled me.”

“yeah? well, you don’t fuck at all, you’ve never even gotten your dick w—" 

chan lunged at him, pulling his fist back and only pulsing it in seungkwan’s direction. then, they broke out into another verbal fight; your cue to leave them and go back to your office. 

you took a shaky breath as you walked the brightly lit hallway. you knew your friends were right and everything would work out smoothly, they knew about your meeting and truthfully just wanted what was best for you. they wanted you to get out of your shell, yet still, the act itself annoyed you. it almost made you feel belittled, like you had no control over your love-life—at least, no better than they did. 

once you took a seat behind your organized desk, you grumbled and hung your head to the cool wood. honestly, the pressure against your skull was soothing the tension inside you, and ultimately relaxing your shoulders. 

you weren't easy to stress-out, or frankly upset, but right now you felt a little lost though the path was clear and brightly lit. you could see the end, yet the thing—person—wasn't in focus. you couldn't tell if it was you or someone entirely different; especially since you've seen a lot of people throughout your twenty-seven years on earth. 

if you were honest with yourself, you’d know you've been feeling like (for a while now) that something was missing. if you went back a couple of years and saw that happy face of yours opening the doors to your dream café, you'd be disappointed to have her looking back at you. you loved your job, and the regulars made it worth it, chan and seungkwan, who have been at your side since practically the beginning, made it worth it. you weren't financially going under, and you were far from running out of people to serve, you just couldn't pin-point the empty feeling inside your chest that kept you up at night. 

actually, you didn't even know why this was all bubbling up now. in the past, you had it harder—especially during the pandemic when you had to close for all those months, putting yourself and, ultimately, your bestfriend’s at risk of being homeless. but, there must’ve been something about the soggy blanket over the sky this morning that made you feel lethargic. 

then, came a soft knock on the door to your office. you let out a gentle conformation to come in, expecting to see chan or seungkwan telling you that they were going on break despite only working two hours to your almost eight. you almost non-verbally waved them off, until you saw the contempt—almost radiantly so—expression painting the other half of your meeting’s face. he smiled, barely showing his teeth in the process, and shielding you two behind the closed door. 

you returned a slight smile, and he cocked his head, standing in the middle of the room and watching as you raised from your seated position. you circled from behind your desk and wrapped your arms around him. his scent took over your nose: the synthetic, yet comforting smell of paint that mixed with a floral aroma he tried to cover it up with. 

“hey,” he said, barely over a whisper. “are you okay?��� 

you nodded into his neck, genuinely feeling a sense of clarity through the fog in his arms. 

“i think… i’m just tired.” you replied honestly, finally breaking from his embrace. “i’ve been here since four and seungkwan and chan have been testing each other’s nonexistent patience today more than usual—making a competition about who’s gotten their dicks wet more.” you shuttered with the mental image. “is it a full moon? i feel like it must be. it’s gotta be the only explanation why today just feels off.” 

he gave you a gentle look, sparklingly-clear eyes meeting your broody ones. “do you need something? how can i help?” 

you shied away, leaning against the cedar of the desk as a blush bloomed across your cheekbones. you almost buckled at the knees from his eagerness to want you to feel better—the genuineness behind his tone. 

your arms crossed over your front. “i’ll be okay. nothing a big girl can’t handle.” you tried to joke. “i haven’t cried since elementary school. i can handle a lot, you know.” 

he further approached you, taking your hooked arms within his grasp and pulling you into him again. “are you sure?” he asked, and before he gave you a chance to reassure him, he took your breath away, literally, as your lips melted together for the sixth or seventh time (not that you were counting) since you started seeing each other. 

his hands found your cheeks as the kiss deepened, yours wrapping around his neck and pulling him closer. your heartbeat was crazily-fast despite the relaxed feeling you felt coursing through you. he peppered a few closed mouth kisses as you slowed, pulling off with soft but heavy breaths. 

"trust me, i know you can handle a lot." he breathily fanned the lower half of your face. “but, i really wanted to kiss you anyways.” 

"oh?" you laughed/ "and how did you find that information out?" 

he laughed back. "are you flirting with me?" 

"i don't know," you gently pressed his lips to yours again. "would you like to find out?"

"i thought we were supposed to be having a meeting about art." 

he let you fall back against the cool wood. "i guess we could give it a try..." but there was now a lingering tension that wasn't there before his lips were on yours. you'd been on more than a few dates over the two months you've been—as chan says—putting yourself out there and despite only kissing a couple of times, it seemed he already knew you so goddamn well. “but, no promises i’ll remain professional now that all i can think about is the art we could make while on a canvas.” 

he cocked a brow in your direction. “is that the next piece you want?”

“i dunno, it would probably look like a mess.” 

he hummed. “nothing that involves you would look like a mess. though it would be funny trying to explain how the piece came about.” 

“imagine someone buys it and hangs it in their dinning room.” you pushed yourself onto the surface of the desk, crossing your legs. “eating while looking at where we had sex—though they’d be none-the-wiser to it, really.” 

he blushed, despite the bold words that left you momentarily speechless. “i could make it happen, you know i’ve got a lot of paint.”

"oh? then you must want to find out exactly how much i can handle."

his hands went up. “you said it first.” 

the rest of the meeting went mildly, despite the fact that you kept gawking as you watched his lips move. you swear you were only half-listening, trying your best not to pounce back on him, just so you could feel the security you had prior, to feel heard and understood even though you weren't saying anything. and maybe part of you wanted him to figure out your boundaries and how far you were willing to go for him. 

you knew, ever since august 21st that he was a perfect contrast to you. and before this you never really believed that opposites could attract. 

the bus bumped as it hit the curb, sending you out of your thoughts and momentarily into the air. you looked outside, the sun past its highest point, the sky a pale milky-blue that you used to say was your favorite as a kid. your day had run longer than anticipated, causing you to reschedule with the surgeon your bestfriends promised you were keen to meet. 

it was the end of autumn, basically winter—the first snowfall a couple of days ago. however, it had melted away with the proximate sun, but there was still a frosty chill that nipped the exposed skin of its' passers. you could see the holiday-cheer in the window displays and wreaths that wrapped the street-lamps, though sometimes you went against the grain, especially on off-days like this one. 

you rested your temple against the window, your sighed-out breath reaching and fogging the panel slightly. you watched as your stop came into view, and even debated missing it on purpose before you remembered who you—your best friend’s—had promised to meet. you could picture the relieved smile that would plaster his face, and ultimately it made you feel at ease to know you could be that for him. so, you got from the seat, making your way to the front and out onto the sidewalk without a stumble. 

you’d seen a few people while putting yourself out there, jumping head-first into the sea of boys you could call candidates in the race for your heart. and even though one had a collection of clown dolls, another had a foot fetish, and another was obsessed with old people; which was ironic because you were younger than him. you found not one, but two incredible people through those other tragedies—and neither one, to the best of your knowledge, had any weird fetishes (besides the paint, which you were inclined to like as well). 

you’d met the surgeon first, on a dating app of all things. He made it very clear that his schedule was hectic within the first introduction, and you made it clear that yours was flexible, you were your own boss after all. but you went against the masses; you liked being by yourself sometimes. you liked not having someone depend on you. you liked that he was honest and happy for it in return. that he listened attentively and always held the door for you. 

you, really, liked that he liked you. 

he’d come to your place a couple of times already, the first being after the third date you’d been on. you and the surgeon had gone to a bar, one he seemingly visited quite often from the tenders who greeted him in a friendly manner—and though the thought of him having taken girls there before did cross your mind, you, at the time, had no right to be upset. 

it was his off-day from the, metaphorically, never dead hospital and at first you half-expected him to have a strange sense of humor. you thought he’d have no problem talking of pus and blood and shit during inappropriate times. however, after each date concluded, he had proven to you that he was just a man—a very overworked and tired man—but one nonetheless. you also appreciated having someone to talk to about your medical-anxieties; mostly on nights where you’d had a little too much wine and were overthinking, self-diagnosing from google. you knew if he was free he’d come over and tell you that you weren’t dying of an incurable disease, holding you close. otherwise he’d step away (provided, he wasn’t busy tending to a patient) and listen to all your worries over the phone, his voice low and comforting. 

if you didn’t know any better you’d believe he was in love with you or something—however, you two weren’t even official, let alone close enough to be in love. and besides, he knew you were still weighing out your options with other men, as he was with other women. that other man being a painter, almost opposite of the man you found yourself blushing over (not that you didn’t blush when faced with the artist, because you really did).

you had met the painter shortly after you’d placed an ad on your social media, and door, which stated that you were in need of someone’s paintings to buy to spruce up your space. you had no short list of things suitable for your café and were convinced that no one would seriously inquire. though, here you were, months later with beautiful paintings of anything your heart desired—which he gladly accepted after each meeting. how you two came to go out was no short of a whim, when he awkwardly, yet boldly, asked if you had any plans for the evening. before that, you had thought he was beautiful but kept it professional because you were paying him to paint for your business. your prior interactions were purely transactional on your end, until he flipped the switch and you finally saw him under a different light. 

he was nothing less of a gentlemen during the couple of dates where you went to moderately priced restaurants, or short dusk walks around the block. he even took you to his studio where he proceeded to draw a portrait of you like you two were starring in one of those romantic french movies, that you had no time to watch. 

you liked him because he spoke his mind, and though his movements were never carefully thought out, you appreciated how his brain worked—you appreciated how he made you feel secure, and the love he had for his craft (though it wasn’t making him as much as the doctor). you liked that he was as simple as you were, never needing or asking for more than he received from you and your hectic business. he looked at you with stars in his eyes and genuinely instilled the feeling of being the only girl in the world. 

you liked that he really liked you. 

at the end of the day, you felt conflicted, crying over a guilt you didn’t even know why you had—and maybe, you thought, that that was the reason why you felt empty inside; you lacked a love in your life and that’s why you tried so hard to give yourself everything else as a distraction. you were only human, and nature was to crave intimacy—companionship—to feel another person's skin romantically. 

you wanted a story-book love and maybe that's why it's taken you so long to even get out into the adult dating scene. you knew you had high-standards, but you've grown up being told to never settle. so why would you start now? maybe, too often, you thought of yourself as the problem, as the person who just couldn't be satisfied no matter how hard someone tried. 

the frosty chill sent a shiver over your entire body as you tried to conserve whatever residual heat was left from the enclosure. you were fast-paced while walking the block towards your apartment, keys already in hand and ready to unlock the front gate. it was old-fashioned but somehow it made you feel safer than an electric passcode ever could. 

the hinges cried out as you pushed the barrier from your way, trekking the pavement and up the stairs to the fourth floor. yes, you could've taken the elevator, however, the superficial comfort of alone-time was calming you in ways no man ever could. 

deep-down, you might’ve wanted the doctor to have been called into work, simply because you weren't sure whether or not you were happy: to be around anyone, to care for anyone, to even be awake right now. and you weren't convinced that the smile you oh-so-adore would change that.

yet, you still couldn't help the twist of your lips when stood next to your door was the puffer-jacket wearing doctor, who to anyone else would look suspicious loitering outside a woman's apartment. his head rested against the plaster of the wall, only becoming level when he heard the familiar clunk of your favorite heeled-boots, which he oddly recognized. 

instantly, his back released from the wall and before you had a chance to say something snarky about him waiting for you, he grabbed your bags. 

"hi," he whispered out, almost as if your presence was relieving. "sorry for such short notice, i just had a really tough night." 

you pressed a gentle kiss to the man's cheek, non-verbally reassuring him that everything was fine. "i'm sorry as well, customers were just spilling in." then, you unlocked the numbered door, stepping in before him. you heard the click of the lock, feeling the presence of someone who was far too close, yet not close enough to call your boyfriend. "but tell me about it now," you said, unzipping your shoes. you finished and turned, taking your bags and waiting for him to either speak or take his own shoes off. he looked unsure. "i want to hear about it. do you want something for dinner, i know it's not technically time for it—but we can order or i can see what i have." 

"i'm fine with whatever you want... some fried chicken would be really good right now though." 

you laughed, hanging your purse on a hook, and organizing the rest of your miscellaneous things. "don't you know the health risks related to too much fried food? and to think i'd come to you for medical advice." you over-exaggerated. "spicy or not?" 

his jacket had come off, taking the free hook by your bag. he smiled, grabbing your waist and pressing a kiss to your lips. "both." he replied against you, attacking again with another few fast kisses, barely giving you time to register the prior ones. "and, i'll pay you back." 

"you don't have to, spending time with you is payment enough." 

"purely transactional," he grabbed your face, soft hands caressing the skin. "a girl after my own heart." 

and you don't know if it was the words, or the tone that made you blush deeper than you should have. but either way it had you shying like a middle-school girl talking to her crush. 

you hummed. "you caught me. i only use you for consultations. you're my main medical provider—i say that when that question comes up for adulting shit. honestly, i’m like a walking ad, give me some of your cards, i'll hand them out."

"shut up," he smirked, pushing your lower back so your bodies were closer than before. 

"i would say make me, but you'd like that too much." 

the mood had switched too easily, and now you couldn't help feeling hot and bothered by the hands you just wanted to slip under your shirt or down—you couldn't help your imagination that was running wild within his tight grip, his muscles flexing against you as you anxiously fidgeted. 

his voice was low. "if you're going to use me, at least let it be for something else."

"i think you'd like that too much as well." you lightly pushed him away, though it wasn't because you wanted to, it’s because you knew if you started the two of you wouldn't even make it out of the doorway. "if you want food, you better let me order it."

"what if i'm hungry for something else now?"

your hand covered your mouth, face twisting with a mock-disgust, "what are you? a sixteen year old virgin? that was so cringey! what if i'm hungry for someth—" 

his lips were pressed to yours in an instant, making do with your offer to be shut up as he cut you off mid-sentence. and as much as you knew he liked it, you did too. 

seungcheol pushed you back, hitting the empty wall a little forcefully, but his hand connected with the back of your head before the plaster did. 

it was the little things that made your stomach twist. the little acts of service you weren’t accustomed to before meeting. he was everything to you: comfort, strength, yearning.  

your lips molded together as if they were made for each other. your hands gripping into the strands at the base of his skull, and pulling gently—just enough to get a sound out of the man. he groped your waist, dragging you impossibly closer to his body. you were breathless and unbearably hot, pulling away with his bottom lip still in between your teeth. 

“cheol…” he pushed his head into the crook of your neck, kissing and sucking the sensitive skin under your ear. you whimpered, but still trudged a sentence out. “we have to stop—n-not in the doorway. have some class.”

but one thing about the surgeon was, he always liked a little bit of a challenge. and he thought you were his best match. also, he knew you were lying just as much as you did. 

he trailed his lips over your collarbone, pulling the shirt down to make his path easier. his other hand was pushing up from the bottom, cool skin grazing against your stomach. your chest was rising and falling quickly, head lolling against the wall behind you. he chuckled against your skin, slipping the hand under your shirt and over your bra before palming you.

his lips were now against where his hands just grazed, shirt pushed up into the base of your neck. you fought with the noises that unintentionally fell off your tongue. your body was aflame, lit by, no doubt, the likes of him. 

your hands threaded his hair, as he popped the button on your jeans. you pushed him back, eyes meeting yours with a questioning look; as if to ask if you wanted him to go on. 

and more than half of you did. however, there was a voice from the corner of your mind that demanded you stop, that flashed pictures of commitment, and rings, and hearts across the scene in front of you. a part of you that you only ever wanted to curse.

you actually felt a little nauseous now, heart beating so overwhelmingly fast you could pass out. you wanted to give him whatever he wanted, so you honestly don’t know why you didn’t. 

seungcheol would always push himself aside to aid your needs before his own. maybe it was the doctor in him, but he just cared too much to see you uncomfortable—unsure—by his doing. he wanted you, but he’d wait until you were 100% sure as well. 

he stood up, letting your shirt fall back down and kissing you less urgently than before. 

“let’s order some chicken now, and you can tell me about your day instead.” 

“okay…” you breathed out. he fixed your outfit, re-buttoning your jeans and smoothing over your hair. he laughed as he did, taking your phone from your pocket and holding it out for you, before you admitted. “i forgot what we wanted.” 

your mind was still a little hazy with the feeling of him still on your skin, you could feel the tingling where his lips once connected. you could smell the intoxicating cologne he used to cover up the sterilization of the hospital. 

“i’ll order it.” he said, taking his phone out instead, typing away on an app he already had downloaded. you thought it a little intimate that he knew your address without looking, but you brushed that under the rug—especially because nothing could get more intimate than what was still coursing adrenaline through your veins. 

he stole glanced at you, looking with adoration. you couldn’t tell if it was from him liking having such control over your body, or because of something else. and truthfully, you wouldn’t mind it being the latter over the gravity of him having real feelings for you. 

you left him to follow you through your apartment and into the open-concept kitchen. he sat on a barstool that was neatly placed by the island, putting his keys on the marble, as well as his phone. 

"It estimated 35 minutes." 

you nodded, leaning against the countertop across from his sights. "are you going to tell me about work?" you asked, because quite frankly it was easy to tell he was trying to mask his feelings since you got the text this morning. "you said it was a stressful night, wouldn't you rather sleep than even see me?"

"no, actually I wouldn't." that took you by surprise, momentarily making your eyes widen. "and truthfully, I don't sleep much anyways. I have weird shifts so often that I can't acclimate to any sleep-schedule. I probably haven't slept more than 4 hours since grad school." 

"damn," you sighed out, walking over to the man. you weren't sure what your intentions were, but it just felt right to comfort him. "that's gotta be tough. I really can't imagine." you threaded your fingers into his hair, and he leaned into the touch. 

"it's okay," he sighed out. "we just lost a patient today—one of our cancer ones. we've had her since she was two, since i was a first-year resident. ten tough years, she was so strong, so young. i still can't believe it." 

“oh my god, cheol,” you voiced. “that’s awful. i’m so sorry. she’s in a better place now—wherever that may be—i just know it.” 

he looked up at you, adoration mixed with sadness. there were stars that met your pupils, and you swear you could make a wish if you wanted to. 

“you know,” he started, feeling as your hands dropped around his shoulders. “i don’t know what—i, um, can i tell you something? you don’t have to say anything back.” you hummed a small yes to him, alarms (or maybe bells?) going off inside your head. his hands rested on your arms as he leaned into you, eyes falling closed. you swear he could hear the thump in your chest, and you don’t know if you wanted that to discourage him or encourage him to spew it out faster. 

“i think i love you.” 

“what.” 

you weren’t sure if you were more surprised by the fact that you didn’t jolt away in shock or by what he said next. 

“no, i know i love you.” your face was beat red, and he refused to open his eyes for whatever reason. “i know it’s a lot, i’m sorry. we’re not even dating, but i just, i don’t know, i want it to be official—i want you to be my girlfriend.” 

for a second, your heart was lit up with fireworks, butterflies swarming your insides. you, for a second, wanted that too. you wanted him to be your boyfriend, but you ultimately were scared of that commitment—hell, you don’t even know why you started to date in the first place if not with this in mind. you knew deep down that you weren’t actually ready to not just have fun without the strings attached. 

the cliche was to say that's it's not you, it's me and you all but said it. it felt like he had more pieces of you than you wanted him to—or maybe you did, you weren't fully sure—you feared that that fact would soon start to eat at the depths of your brain, convince you of anything but innocence. 

you wanted to be wanted, but you wanted to be loved more than anything. so, why didn't it look good to you? why couldn't you let him be the silver lining you've been waiting for. why couldn't this surgeon be the one to stitch up your heart? 

and maybe you knew the answer deep down as you sat alone. 

seungcheol had left, after he read you like a picture book. he left you in a state of comatose you didn't think he could—one you didn't think would cut so deep—and you still hoped that he wasn't the one left lost. 

part of you didn't want him to search an empty room with the thought of finding you. but the other part wanted to be sat in a dark corner just awaiting his arms around you. 

you felt an emptying feeling before it all crashed into the lower depths of your stomach. nausea, as you scrambled to the bathroom with hopes of choking the bile back down before it hit the floor. and you felt like you just barely made it, sitting against the cold tile, knees to your chest and head down on them. 

you thought about situations in your past that would've made you deserve to feel a deep despair—one that was currently debilitating—like a half-dug grave with the shovel still in your hand. you felt hopeless. you always knew, at the end of the day, you'd be your own undoing, but you prayed that that day would’ve never come like it has, unfortunately, now. 

your chest was tight, your eyes on fire. you thought you were getting better, you thought you were finally healed enough to get back out there. but maybe you only got better at pretending. maybe through opened doors you got better at lying. however, now you can’t tell if the lies get better the more times they’re worn, or if they’re simply just overused.

you thought about the little girl again—the one that would be looking up at you right now—and cried harder because you didn’t want her to realize that she was the only person who ruined everything every time. 

maybe you were destined to be alone. maybe your red string wasn't tethered to anyone. it would cut deep, but maybe knowing wouldn't kill you. maybe you could find peace with yourself, watching your bloodline wither away. maybe, at the end of your life, you could look back and not have any regrets because at least you did try. 

you felt as if walking on broken glass could hurt less and less the more times you do it—isn't that what getting used to something is all about? truthfully, you didn't know, and weren't sure you actually wanted to, because what's truly worse, being wanted and not loved, or loved and not wanted? it's a question you often asked, but the best manipulation you got was from yourself; no one can hurt you like you can. 

you knew every way to pick apart your brain. your insecurities were your bittersweet company. you knew them all by name. where strangers weren't welcome, they walked freely. you hated them, but the ghosts haunting you, pretty lights couldn't cast out. 

you felt like the world was moving too fast, and you were being left behind. you wanted to just stand still, if only for a second. a luxury you never got throughout the growing pains. and just as you were getting a taste, you ripped it away from yourself. 

you wanted to force yourself to give in to your not-so-hidden desires. you wanted to be loved, and someone who you evidently feel strongly about has admitted just that. in reality, it shouldn't be this hard. you shouldn't be as dramatic as a middle school girl's first breakup. 

but still deep down, you felt like it wouldn’t be right to accept him. at least, not without talking to the painter first. you felt like you owed him that much, even if neither men were technically yours—and you them—you still felt guilty for wanting love from someone while also wanting it from someone else. 

spoiled for choice or by choice? and the fact that you had to choose was killing you, because you’d had such different, non-comparable times with them that it seemed unfair to try and weigh them both equally. 

you know yourself, and right now you know you’d choose the surgeon, but if faced with the artist all that would go out the window. it was circumstantial who you felt closest to, and you hated (and loved) that fact with the entirety of your being. 

maybe that’s why you felt eaten alive—diving head first into the lion's den, with only the wish to be paralyzed by the fall. maybe, you thought, if you couldn’t feel anything it would all magically become easier. but, you were an adult, with supposed adult-feelings. you were supposed to be able to maturely take on battles, and resolve them with your dignity still intact. however, you felt anything but strong right now. 

your fingers grasped for your phone, and you looked at the illuminated time—seungkwan and chan would still be cleaning your store, and right now you felt like you needed your best friends to clear your head before it consumed you. 

you got off the floor with much fight, your knees weak and spine anything but straight. you felt heavy, and you weren’t sure if it was the guilt or if you just had never noticed before. either way, you trekked on, memories of the last hour flashing through your head like a badly timed slideshow. you ended up sat at the front door, fighting with the zipper on your shoes. you went to grab your purse when you realized that a—as much familiar as unfamiliar—garment was hanging on the hook next to it; the surgeons, right where he left it before his hands roamed your body for what felt like all the time in the world, but not enough. 

“fuck.” you cursed under your breath, a shiver running over your skin. “i—fuck.” 

it was the only words that you could seem to manage, despite trying so hard to form an actual sentence that encapsulated your feelings. maybe if you could say it to yourself, you could say it to him, but that was a harder task then made out to be in movies and TV shows (you never had time to watch). 

you practically couldn’t even remember how you got from point A to point B, but here you were, keys in hand, standing directly in front of the glass door with a mournful look that reflected. you barely caught the jaw-dropped stare chan gave you before smacking seungkwan to get his attention. 

for a moment you wondered what went through their heads, what they thought happened to you; no doubt it was going to be more dramatic than needed, but you expected nothing less, and honestly, you felt nothing less. 

you were frozen, like the air, when the younger of them came and opened the door with the broom still clad between his left hand. 

“what the hell happened to you?” he asked.

seungkwan came running over, finally realizing that you weren’t playing a trick on the two of them, and it was actually bad news that was making your body shake. 

he took your hand, dropping the washcloth on the way to an empty (and presumably clean, if they were getting their jobs done properly) table. he took the stool down, and pushed you into it. and just as his hands left your shoulders, you felt something snap. it could’ve been because of their presence that your water pipe was now cracked and seeping down your face, however you really couldn’t tell at that moment in time. all that was playing on your mind was the three words that shouldn’t be so complicated. it felt like a foreign language as it played across your heart, one you could only try to understand, much less repeat back. it felt too easy that it was beyond difficult; a trick question you didn’t want the answer to. 

maybe if you were more secure, you told yourself, maybe if you liked your life a little more it wouldn't all be replaying like a fucking horror movie when you blinked—even if only for a millisecond. 

"he said he loved me." 

it's like a bomb dropped for them, however a weight lifted off your tiring shoulders. “h-he said he loves me and i—i”

“and, you’re not sure?” 

no, you’re not sure. you’re not sure what love’s supposed to feel like. you’re not sure if seungcheol is even it. you’re not sure how many times you’ve thought about it on lonely nights you wished you had someone to wrap up into. you’re not sure he actually loves you despite offering no opposition to it. you’re not sure, simply because you don’t want to be; you knew that and you hated it. 

“i—i don’t know,” you stated, wiping the drops off your under eyes. “he’s perfect, really, but i—i don’t know.” 

seungkwan cocked an eyebrow in chan’s direction, who looked awfully like a mother: arms crossed over his chest with the broom still in hand. they weren’t convinced you were telling them the truth, but honestly, you had no idea what that would even begin to look like in their eyes. 

you should have your shit together, you were almost 30 for fucks sake, however you still lived by the saying ‘better late than never’ like it wasn’t getting too late. you’ve lived being brushed under the rug, in blissful ignorance of the passing times. sure, you’ve achieved almost everything you wanted as a teenager, but there was still a lingering fear in your heart, one that penetrated every corner and crept with uncertainty. you didn’t question whether you were able to be loved, but if you deserved it—especially from the surgeon or painter, who seemed so keen to. 

a blunt smack to the face, metaphorically, woke you from your dooming thoughts. “y/n,” seungkwan deadpanned, taking the chair next to you and leaning in. “in your grown-ass age, you’re acting like a kid. if you’re unsure, you should talk about it like adults, running away won’t fix anything—and it’ll just leave you alone forever—as much as we love you, we’re not taking care of you in the retirement home, so you better find a man that will.” 

you looked to chan who was nodding slightly. “you deserved to be loved. whether that be the surgeon or someone else. okay?” 

you bit your lip, taking into account what they’ve said, and mixing it with your own feelings; a bitter taste left on your tongue. you debated telling them about your situationship with a business partner, however somewhere deep down you think they already knew somehow. they all but said you have to follow your heart to truly be happy: something they knew you craved, rubbing up against all else. 

you slowly agreed non-verbally. you've come to a decision, and whether it is a good one, only time will tell. 

you chose yourself. 

and this time, you find yourself face to face with a crusty-white door that you knew led into a basement. your hand went up to knock, and it's as if the resident knew you were outside because it creaked open. you’ve been met with the painter more than countless times, but at this moment, you felt like your heart was sitting at your feet on the frozen concrete. 

"i-i tried upstairs, but you didn't answer, so i just assum—"

he stepped aside. "come in." 

you shut up your explanation and followed directions, stepping over the trim and into his studio. you were overwhelmed with the intoxicating smell of paint, looking around at the walls that were covered in acrylic abstracts, oil flowers or chalk portraits. there were multiple canvases that were set on the floor, half-done and partially covered by tarps. 

it wasn't the first time you've seen his studio, but it somehow had gotten even more cramped than that time; when you anxiously thought of ways to organize it. 

"are you okay? you never come here unannounced."

you stumbled inside your head, foggy was an understatement now that you were actually looking at a third of your problem. "i just needed to see you, i-i need to talk to you about something—it's important, i swear. i'm sorry for just showing up." 

"don't be sorry, it's why i told you my address." he pulled a stool form under his sharpie covered desk, brushing it off for you to sit on. "it must be important as you can't even stand properly. sit down, you haven't even looked at me once since coming in." 

you hadn't realized. "i'm sorry," you mumbled, forcing your eyes to level on him as you collapsed against the stool. you were sober (unfortunately), but it felt as if you were full speed drunk-driving. 

"stop apologizing unless you have something to be sorry for." he said, sitting in front of you, trying to garner your attention. "do you have something that warrants an apology, y/n?" 

you remained silent, and you swore you could feel the air stop moving as if it was all sucked out of the room. the way he stared at you made you look through him like a window, because you were afraid that it wouldn't end well if anything else. your anxiety mimicked a hypoglycemic reaction, and you felt the need to hold onto something to steady yourself. you were becoming as predictable as the rain during the months of march and may. 

you needed him, but you needed someone else too. 

you thought a decision could be easy. you'd choose whoever piqued your interest better, but it didn't help that they were both so damn pretty, and nice and caring. they were perfect for you—both of them—in different ways. you were forced to imagine a future with both, and it made you sick to your stomach. 

maybe the fact that one of them would inevitably hate you if you broke it off, especially to be exclusive with a different man, kept you shaken. you hated that you had to meet them romantically instead of platonically, because now that you couldn't have both, you feared you'd get none at all in the end. 

would the memory become unbearable if you broke the surgeon's heart? would the painter even care if you told him it wasn't working out? 

you should go with the one who confessed his love to you as you comforted him in the kitchen of your apartment—but, unfortunately, you can see the way vernon had stars in his eyes, bargaining with them for more than just half of your heart. He wanted to support you in whatever you did, but he knew he met you before anyone else ever did. 

your voice came without warning. "d-do you love me, too?" you meant to ask the deafening question only in the confines of your own head. 

"too?" 

"what?"

"do you love me, too?" he reiterated, your face losing all color. "t-that's what you said. do you love me, too. does that mean you love me too, or that someone else loves you?"

"too?" you all but shouted in his face. "does that mean you love me too, o-or—"

"y/n, i know what i said." 

you felt foolish stuttering, but if you imagined the way you probably looked, it couldn't be more embarrassing. 

"o-oh."

he was acting more mature than you, just as the surgeon did not even hours ago, reading you like he wrote the words to begin with. you'd been shocked close to a couple heart attacks today, and you wondered why on a monday of all days shit had to hit the fan. but the storm had been brewing for a while, and the humidity was only the first tell. 

the room was now left as if no one was in it. you swear you could hear sirens all the way across the city if you focused hard enough. your lip was now raw, and you could taste slight metal from how much you'd been chewing on it. you hated how good the plastic covered couches looked, the piquet fence and three-kid family people strived so fucking hard for. you thought you were fine sitting in the backseat of a car heading full speed for a cliff, because in the mirror you really thought you looked happy enough. if you could turn back time to monday last week, you weren't convinced you wouldn't do it without hesitation. 

you hated how you held the knife that just kept piercing you. and you wondered if one of them could be the one to finally pry it from your cold hands, to finally warm them. your innocence was weakness, and it finally made you realize that you were older; that you, yourself, was your own worst enemy. 

you knew you'd sit in silence until he had the courage to break it, simply because you were certain you couldn't. the sad song was writing itself so well; if only you let your heart listen to the millions of thoughts swirling your dream. you could go left or right, but there was no turning around anymore. 

he was soft against the air, and you audibly heard a hurt in his voice that you felt you didn't deserve to cry over, "you meant that there's another guy who loves you... too." 

you were taking all the bliss for granted, because the moment it was ripped from under your feet your thoughts became erratic. and truthfully, you know it's because you're selfishly still holding on. 

you're still convinced you feel the same way towards them both. you're still convinced that it's one sided: that you don't—can't—love too. you're still scared that this will be too much for you in the end and you'll be left alone. you were convinced that the only way was to love or leave. you told yourself there was no in between two thin lines, no shades of gray between black and white. you thought that there had to be a definitive answer that you kept running away from. 

and you didn't want to run anymore. you were tired; tired of being alone, tired of having to feel sick every time someone you cared so deeply about crossed your mind. you were a terrible person for leading yourself down into the wreck and bringing both of them with you. 

you were honestly going to break it off with the artist for the security of the surgeon. 

when you were walking over, you came up with ways to defend the intentions that seemed cruel, rehearsing the lines that went in one ear and out the other. you faced him and your heart raced. you felt guilty because you knew you couldn't give either of them the answer they wanted without hurting someone in the crossfire. they both loved you, and it made your chest tight with the thought: a continuous loop you found yourself circling and circling until you were dizzy. 

the surgeon had you wrapped around his finger, so desperate for him, and you mistook it for blind devotion. but the artist worshiped the ground you stepped on, you think he'd walk through hell to restore you to humanity. they’d (evidently) do anything to see a smile on your face. 

you watched as he stood up, paced the room in search of something momentarily. then he found it. closed between his forefinger and thumb was a starch colored paper, black fingerprints and smudges all over it. he brought it back, you catching a glimpse of soft features drawn so carefully it couldn't possibly be how he saw you. he handed the portrait to you as he began speaking, explaining his actions. "if you're going to break it off with me for him, it's okay, but just take this then. i can't bear the thought of it—of you being so close yet so far out of reach." he sent a shiver down your spine. "you'd haunt me, y/n." but now you were convinced he saw you more beautifully than jealous hades did persephone, and it made you believe that maybe the love that blooms could be as serendipitous as cupid and psyche. an untainted white-rose could sprout from the ashes of the past. all you had to do was give him the answer he was so easily pulling from you. 

nonetheless the guilt felt for seungcheol wouldn't outweigh it, because you like him too much. in a different, more primal way, in comparison to the romantics vernon showered you with. your heart raced in adrenaline for the feeling of the surgeon's hands on your body, whereas the sight of the painter's lips set you on fire. you wanted them both hopelessly... but for different reasons that all went back to the same feeling: love. if you'd be so much as damned, the complications it implied, despite craving it until you found yourself debilitated in your bed, wishing on every lucky star you could find. you pictured yourself falling, free-falling just to chase a feeling, until you hit the water-stained concrete. 

you loved him—and it hurt so much to have to hurt someone else. but an obstacle is still an obstacle no matter the shape or form. 

he roped your attention back to him, his finger brushing a stray piece of hair back into place on your head. it was always the little things, the small inconvenient actions that solidified your heart in stone. you were veering off to the side, signal on and ready to turn. 

you ignored feeling some type of way because you didn't want to end up hurting anyone in the process, but you've come to learn that nothing is actually free in this world, and you must make sacrifices for the greater good.

for yourself. 

you deserved to be happy, you deserved to feel feelings, you deserved to be loved (whether that be by one, both or none of the men). you deserved to be wanted, and it's about time you are. 

it was a rainy night, the storm finally hitting. you didn't want to be the bad guy, and that's what you're afraid you'd become for him. maybe you were just too nice. you wondered how your best friends could be so ruthless, yet still looked upon fondly. you wondered if you didn't end up loving, would he hate you? 

would seungcheol hate you? 

you wondered what his diagnosis for you would be this time: delirium? broken heart syndrome? delusion? would he imagine you running back to him in a couple months, fantasizing that you'd realize you made the wrong decision? you didn't want him to feel lost, but in the end you were the one without the compass. 

the tears came without warning—so much for holding them back, because you didn't feel you deserved to cry when you're the one creating the problem for yourself. you dug the grave, and the saying always ends with the perpetrator lying in it. this time, you just hoped it was big enough for two. 

"y/n," vernon began, gently holding his palms to either side of your face. "you have to do what's best for you." 

you sniffled. "but—but what if that's not what's best for you?"

"why are you thinking of me? or him?" he asked, crouching down to be level with you. "stop doing that and just listen to yourself."

and for once, you did, giving in to desire to want him to want you. you leaned in quickly, his hands still on your cheeks as you pressed a kiss to his lips. he pulled away after a second, completely shocked that you did that without being prompted. but, somehow, you felt calmer than the last couple of weeks had you. 

you were laying it all out on the table right now, and you just hoped he'd pick your card, like you just did his. 

reblogs, likes and comments are greatly appreciated! thank u!

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[tojisun]

he asked if i liked his jacket and i admitted to having it on rn and he chuckled and said that was cute 😭

then we talked more ab ourselves blah balhsladj apparently he drives a honda motorcycle (i didnt get the exact model 🤧)

we arranged a small lunch date* tmrw before my work soooo teehee?

*i asked when he wanted it back and he suggested tmrw unless i wanted to keep it for longer. i agreed (cause i feel sooo bad), saying im free anytime before my work and he suggests to meet me at this one food spot and offered me lunch. i was giggling n shit and jokingly (ish lol) asked if he was asking me out on a date..

"only if you want it to be?"

"that sounds nice"

"sounds perfect to me, what flowers do you prefer?"

HELP. ME.

(bonus i get to keep his jacket)

PINK LEATHER JACKET ANON THIS IS THE UPDATE I DIDNT KNOW I NEEDED OH MY GODDDD

he is right!! u wearing it right now is cute :((

ohhh honda bike, huh? i see i see ✍🏻 (totally didnt start daydreaming about biker!simon. nuh uh)

AND TOMORROW?? i was anticipating a slowburn, slice of life romance but im actually lovin the speedrun of this!! i am so, so happy to hear that, petal <333 i wish u the best n the happiest date tomorrow (and even more dates to follow) teehee!!!

HE ASKED YOU WHAT FLOWERS U PREFER?? my godd i wouldve melted right on the spot (and brokenly ask for tulips ahhhhhhhhhshs) but yea what flower/s did u tell him that u preferr??

ALSO, IM LOVIN THE WAY U GET TO KEEP HIS JACKET AHHHHH!!! i have a… thing for exchange of clothes so this one makes me so melty and warm!!

im truly n genuinely happy for u my starlight <333 u deserve all the lovin n the pamperin!!

thank you again for the update teehee!! it makes me sooo giddy to hear this from u!! mwah mwah!

take care pumpkin n, if u are comfy, pls update us on how the date would go ^v^

[mixelation]

okay i wrote a scene from the reborn au. here's team disaster

Tori sat in the grass, her water canteen propped up between her knees. A stack of mismatched bento boxes Kushina-senei had “lovingly” filled with food sat next to her. Kushina-sensei herself paced the grass in front of Tori, occasionally blocking her view of Deidara and Itachi beating the snot out of each other.  

Tori had been aware, in her previous life, that Itachi and Deidara were simply on a different level from other ninja. Now this knowledge was even more acute. Itachi’s form was perfect and deadly. Deidara’s style was more lax but just as quick and lethal. They frequently blurred in front of her, moving too fast for her eyes to track, and she knew this is just them fucking around because Kusina-sensei told them to spar. She couldn’t imagine a world someone like her could keep up. 

Kushina pouted as she paced, occasionally shooting Tori a look like she expected Tori to do or say something. Maybe she wanted Tori to ask questions, or to demand to be taught the crazy spinning kick Itachi just used to knock Deidara over. 

Tori smiled back at Kushina. It didn’t bother her too much that she wasn’t some sort of genetic freak like Itachi and Deidara. Sure, she’d like to be able to keep her own in a fight if one happened to happen to her, and using ninjutsu would be cool, but her motives for becoming a shinobi of Konoha had very little to do with wanting to kick ass and a lot more to do with wanting a soft, safe bed at night and a whole research department to exploit during the day. 

(Also, Kushina’s cooking was pretty good. The free lunch was a nice bonus.) 

Besides, if Tori decided she wanted to kill some ninja that was out of her league, she’d figure out her own way to make it happen. She’d done it before with less. 

Itachi finally cracked a tree trunk with Deidara’s head, and Kushina-sensei paused her pacing, propping a hand on her hip. Her brows furrowed minutely, but it wasn’t out of concern for Deidara. No, Tori was positive that Kushina-sensei was frustrated because Itachi and Deidara needed no coaching or teaching from her whatsoever. 

Tori felt a little bad for her. Kushina-sensei was kind of pushy and loud, but she enthusiastically presented them with a homemade lunch everyday, and she’d seemed so excited to teach them that first day. It wasn’t fair that she got handed a team with two ninja that were secretly S-ranked missing-nin instead of cute genin who actually needed her guidance. That was why, when Kushina-sensei shot Tori another look, Tori hopped to her feet and clapped her hands together in the world’s worst applause. 

“Nice hustle, Itachi!” she called. 

Itachi turned to stare at her over his shoulder, like she’d said something a little bit stupid. If she didn’t already know him, Tori thought this expression would be a bit intimidating. Unfortunately for Itachi, she’d met infinitely scarier people. She clapped harder. 

Deidara was mostly unharmed, except for maybe his ego. He shoved Itachi as they walked up the hill to meet Kushina-sensei and Tori. 

“Next time we use jutsu, yeah!” Deidara declared. “Then you’ll be eating bark.”

“Uh-uh, not unless we get a higher clearance training ground, you know,” Kushina-sensei chided, now with both hands on her hips. “Okay, since Itachi won, he spars Tori next.”

There was a long, awkward pause.

“I’d rather not,” Tori said. 

Kushina-sensei just raised her eyebrows at her. “Well, you’re gonna,” she replied. 

“I won’t break anything,” Itachi added solemnly. 

“I don’t want to,” Tori insisted. “I don’t see what the point would be.”

She was just going to make a fool of herself. She’d be okay with a proper teaching spar– the kind where the more experienced shinobi carefully guided the spar. She didn’t trust Itachi or Deidara to have the slightest idea how to do this. Kushina-sensei was ordering her to go let Itachi kick her ribs in for no reason. 

“Kid, I am your Jounin sensei, you know,” Kushina-sensei told her, eyes just a little incredulous. “You have to do what I say, no matter what.”

Deidara was looking at her the way he would right before she did any sort of fuinjutsu, like he expected her to accidentally set the grassy field on fire or something. Was talking back to a teacher really so scandalous? 

“Do you need a pep talk, girl to girl?” Kushina-sensei pressed, eyes lighting up in a way that Tori did not want to deal with. 

“Fine, fine,” Tori grumbled. Meeting Itachi’s eyes, she said, “If you do break something, you owe me dinner for a week.”

Itachi faced her the way Deidara had looked at her sometimes, when they’d been renegade ninja buddies for a month. It wasn’t that he thought she was weak or delicate, or even that Tori couldn’t be incredibly dangerous under the right circumstances, but more that he’d already sorted her into a category of non-combatant. There was an uneasiness in his body language, imperceptible to anyone who wasn’t used to reading him. Itachi still thought of her as a civilian, and one he theoretically liked. Fighting her hand-to-hand was as inconceivable to him as it was to her.  

He did proceed to fight her with kiddy gloves on, she thought, because she saw every hit coming even as she failed to dodge. The fight ended with her limping back to the pile of bento, sweaty and bruised all over and slightly embarrassed. This would have almost been better in her old life, where expectations for her taijutsu were in the negatives. 

“Okay!” Kushina-sensei cried, sounding more excited than she should be. “Let’s analyze what happened!”

The analysis was basically just Kushina waving her arms and listing things Tori needed to improve, because Itachi’s taijustu was borderline perfect. Tori opened her canteen and took a long chug of water while Kushina-sensei babbled. A couple of insights were useful, but most of it boiled down to “Itachi is just better than you in every way.” It would be humiliating, Tori thought, if she were actually twelve or if she didn’t already have a history with both Itachi and Deidara. 

It wasn’t completely not embarrassing, though! For once maybe they could do an exercise Tori would excel at, like having a pleasant conversation with a stranger, or what to do if the scroll you stole was sealed up tight. 

Deidara turned his head to hide a smirk at her expense. Tori considered chucking her canteen at him. 

“Oh,” Itachi suddenly said, head whipping round from where he’d gotten bored and turned to watch a dragonfly. “Tori, I’ve been meaning to tell you. Your tree-walking is all wrong.”

Tori stared back at him. “What?”

Kushina-sensei practically exploded with joy at the chance at a teaching moment. They were all ushered down the hill and over to the tree line to watch the incredibly mundane sight of Tori walking up a tree. 

“What, because she’s slow?” Deidara asked, watching as Tori flipped herself over to stand on the bottom side of a branch. The long braid she’s tied up her hair in dangled centimeters from brushing the grass below.

“I think I’m doing fine,” Tori sniffed. Kushina-sensei too seemed confused about what the problem was. Sure, Tori slipped or mistimed the jutsu sometimes, but it wasn’t like she wasn’t getting better and better with practice. 

“No, you’re…” Itachi trailed off, staring at her. Unlike for their spar, he’d activated the sharingan. “You might be doing that in the least efficient way possible. Who taught you?”

Tori glared back at him. She was barely using any chakra to stick herself to trees and buildings nowadays, thank you very much. If she was expected to be even more efficient then she might as well just quit being a ninja now. 

“No one taught me,” Tori replied. “It’s just the leaf exercise but on your feet, isn’t it?”

Kushina-sensei’s eyes widened in horror, and Deidara burst into hysterical laughter. 

“What?” Tori demanded. She was standing on a tree, wasn’t she?!

“Oh, Tori….” Kushina-sensei said. 

As it turned out, tree walking wasn’t just activating and deactivating the leaf exercise to stick plant matter to yourself as you hopped around in a tree canopy, carefully timing sticking and unsticking yourself to the tree with every step. Apparently that was an insane way to do it, and Deidara kept spontaneously choking on his own laughter over how insane a thing to do it was. No, tree-walking only required a thin layer of chakra on the bottom of your shoes, and you could easily stick and unstick yourself without having to constantly adjust it. 

It was a team effort to explain this to her, everyone talking at once. Apparently if you’d already solved a problem in the most cursed way possible, everyone wanted to correct you. Still, she managed to parse what she should have been doing from the cacophony of noise. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Tori demanded of her feet, glaring down at her sandals as she walked up a second tree, this time with about a million times the ease. 

“Wait,” Deidara wheezed, straightening up from where he’d had to lean against another tree he was laughing so hard. “Tori, how have you been water-walking?”

Tori stared back at him, expression dead. “You don’t want to know.”

[maniacalgenius]

10.23.24, 10.24.24

wednesday and thursday recap!!

🧬 made it to genetics this wednesday morning*

🧬 did pop quiz in genetics. got 3/3 points (she sets them up with unlimited attempts and correct questions disappear on the next attempt) and later she added 4 bonus points because everyone in the class managed to do it properly!!

🧬 continued work on module 7.1 biochem notes. almost done with this slide deck!

🧬 made it to genetics lab wednesday afternoon*

🧬 stayed up until 2 am working on genetics lab report with lab partner**

🧬 finished module 7.1 biochem notes! only one more slide deck for week 7 and it has about half as many slides as this first one i’ve now finished. still Slowly But Surely Catching Up

*we’ve reached the point where these are huge wins

**i fell asleep before actually submitting so i think some points off are in my future 🤣 before going to bed i also was supposed to do micro pre-labs and micro lab report due at 11 am thursday but those didn’t happen either so i ended up submitting some really crappy assignments later that morning. i explain all of this because i don’t want to just talk about positive things and sweep the non-victories under the rug—i have not yet achieved academic weapon status and that journey is what this blog is here to document!

🌺 got SO MUCH SLEEP tuesday night!

🌺 took all (two) of my pills wednesday morning and—bonus points—vitamins!

🌺 think i did manage to take the most important pill and my vitamins thursday morning

🌺 grabbed two kind bars on the way out of the door wednesday morning and a slice of banana bread this morning instead of completely skipping breakfast

🌺 ate lunch both days!

🌺 took four long walks across campus (when i say long that’s usually 15+ minutes)

🧚 dr sandwich had to help run this event wednesday afternoon and it was open to students so i stopped by and got some free food! (and lunchbox, two stress balls, a metal mug, a sticker, and a towel!! quite the haul!!) and of course i got to see dr sandwich.

🧚 sat in the nice chem lab building again for a few hours in between said event and genetics lab wednesday and i ran into a girl from the Bible study friend group! she and i yapped for at least an hour which was super nice and healing cause we don’t know each other *super* well and we ended up exchanging a lot of our most significant respective lore!!

🧚 thursday morning it was revealed to me a (relatively) small but still really important and cool way God has worked in my life the past couple years! He is so SO good! 😊 i am so so blessed.

🧚 best friend and i went out dancing thursday night with some of the other people from the friend group which was pretty fun! (and i got to dance with the guy i’m a little 🥰 for which was 🤭)

1. there were two therapy dogs at the event wednesday! meet stella! i asked if i could take a picture of her for my study blog and one of the guys chaperoning the dogs was like sure and he asked me if it was on insta and i said “no, tumblr” and he goes “tumblr, wow!! is it 2014 already??” 💀🤣

2. Very Foggy when i left my apartment wednesday! lowkey was pretty nice

*huge yawn* until next time!!

xx