#but the fact that Shinae foils her at every turn so far feels like it's a neon sign screaming NO IT'S NOT POSSIBLE

[trashlie]

Hiii I always love your takes on here and reddit. You have such a way with words and an interesting take on analyses and theories. So I would love to hear your take on the flashback in episode 132 and Nolyssa's latest interaction in Episode 110 as the aftermath of their "new agreement" and Alyssa's video call with Meg later on.

Thank you so much for telling me that! Sometimes I feel like I'm just a non-stop rambling train and it's always really reassuring to know that some people really like to hear what I have to say! Playing off of everyone is so fun to me!

Alyssa is.... a character I like to try to give the benefit of the doubt, but I usually fail. I always wonder if there's more to her or if she's what we've seen so far. On the one hand, I can't fault a person who is both a people-pleaser and a social ladder climber, because Alyssa is going after what she wants - whatever it is. When the friend trio were talking about Ayssa and how they never expected that, I guess that means she never showed any aspirations to being an idol. Maybe she was quiet? Maybe she just seemed like someone who wanted friends where she fit in?

My real issue with Alyssa, though, is the people she hurts in her quest to fit in and please the masses.

It used to be that I thought once upon a time Alyssa and Nol may actually have had a crush - maybe not liked each other, but enough of a spark to think ahhh maybe we should try it, but that really doesn't seem the case any more now. It seemed like in the balcony flashback when they were talking, there were undertones of "we both entered this relationship wanting something out of it". From the way Nol talked about it with Shinae at the formal, there were no lingering feelings anymore, if there ever had been: "We got along well as friends so why not. People weren't against it either."

Actually the entire time Nol talks about his relationship with Alyssa ("the person I'm currently seeing" vs "my good friend") was the first time we got the sense that it wasn't a normal relationship. Up until now it just seemed like he kept trying to get in touch with her and she was too. Here though we really start to realize: it's highly likely neither of them ever liked each other.

I don't think Nol consciously went in with the thought "She'll be a good shield for me" but it's clear that's what their relationship has become - in more ways than one, but I'll have to get to that in a bit. I think early on, Alyssa may have afforded Nol some kind of freedom, and as she worked towards becoming an idol and her fame started to precede her, it became more in his favor.

I assume ILY operates on a Korean high school, with 3 grades. If they met in freshman year and now are seniors, they really haven't spent a lot of time together. I imagine it was shortly after Yui got involved that she pulled strings and suddenly Alyssa is a trainee and can't come out much.

Anyway, I'm starting to lose my point so: isn't it interesting how in 110, before we'd ever seen the flashback, Nol is so openly cool with Alyssa? There isn't much warmth, faked or otherwise. At the formal, Nol jumped through hoops trying to play the doting boyfriend role, doling out compliments she never returned and trying to appear chivalrous but now Nol sits angled away from Alyssa (notably they are on a bench with a separator between them). He also states "We need to make sure he doesn't doubt our relationship... albeit how... unconventional it might be."

Even without the flashback in 132, we were given clues that Nol and Alyssa's relationship has never real, but at the time it was easier to read it as "someone who's going abroad + a busy kpop idol" but in usual quim fashion, the clues were always there. Nol never shows any giddiness talking about Alyssa, he seems to just "accept things" as they are with her and doesn't even fight for more, he's just so resigned. Even Alyssa once describes him as "a kid who eventually grows on you" which is uh... kinda a weird way to describe the guy you're dating, right? Not even "like a kid who eventually you realize has grown up' lmao they are so obvious omg

It's funny how the scene in 110 makes it sound like Nolyssa have been talking more, but no, we eventually get the flashback and realize he's already told her about the exam and schools way back when and this is just a continuation. What is really interesting though is how Alyssa manages to make time to come out and meet with him, even though she never had time before to even reply to his texts.

Alyssa is nervous. She might even be a little afraid. I think it's safe to say she always took Nol for granted. Even Yujing once described him as meek, and while she was talking about a much younger Nol, I think even a freshman Nol might have been seen as a meek, agreeable boy who was going around trying to gather up friends. It's not that Alyssa was intentionally taking advantage of him at first - I doubt he ever revealed to her that he was a Hirahara and it all came out through other (Yui) means. Then, Alyssa was just happy to have friends and be accepted by a little group. But I have no doubt Yui intercepted at one point and Yui'd things up, insinuated that Ahhh wouldn't Yeonggi and Alyssa be such a cute couple, maybe planted some ideas about a possible career and one thing lead to another.

For Alyssa, Nol is her key to that world. She probably knows that just as easily as Yui made her, she can break her. Through the Hiraharas (and with Nol as the vessel) she has access to things like the very exclusive Kim formal where she can rub elbows with big name, big money people, people with connections (the wogue photographer). If Nol and Alyssa were to break up, she has no reason to interact with them. No more invites. And maybe even no more career. Even though we didn't yet know what transpired on the rooftop, Alyssa coming out at all was a shock.

The entire conversation, there's something stand offish with Nol regarding Alyssa, right down to the way he looks at her (or worse, doesn't). To her, he's different, but as readers, we know that this is just the real Nol, someone who is exhausted of having to pretend with her, too.

Also, isn't it so funny how even though they're supposed to be making efforts to appear like a couple more, but she still hadn't told him about her performance and maybe it never would have come up if they'd not run into those fans. Nol never even makes it sound like he wants to go; sure he's already got a complicated situation and tentative plans but it's pretty clear he really doesn't want a pity invite.

What I thought was really funny, especially in retrospect once you've seen the flashback in 132, is how Alyssa is very sulky about how different Nol is acting, and how she wonders if it's that Shinae revealed her not-so-delightful past to him and not, idk, that she's a terrible girlfriend and he's tired of it. He made it so clear on the balcony that a part of him wants out, a part of him is growing resentful, that he doesn't like how she treats him, but she still thinks "omg did Shinae tell him about me"? She has no concept of her own actions and behavior, only how she's perceived.

Another interesting thing of note is that in the flashback, Nol said to her "This doesn't seem to be working out" but in the conversation between Alyssa and Meg, it's revealed that she basically brags about what an easy going relationship they have, how Nol is fine with her doing whatever and just supports it. I wonder if she actually believed that or if she was telling herself that. Maybe both? It's hard to imagine just accepting that he's okay with her never talking to him, but maybe it's the way she comforts herself. If he's not making a fuss it can't really matter, right? Meg did rightfully point out their communication is terrible. At the end of the day, Alyssa doesn't really know Nol. Sure she knows Yeonggi, but we know Yeonggi is not the sum of him. And of what she knows about Yeonggi, she mostly appreciates that he just lets her be and somehow thinks that's what a relationship is, has the gall to be upset when he tells her she's a bad girlfriend.

That whole conversation is so painful to me because it's a rare instance of Nol putting himself out there and being honest. He points out she never acknowledged him all night, danced with other people, that she knows how he feels about these events. It does read to me that he had hoped Alyssa being there would make it less miserable - maybe not even in a boyfriend and girlfriend way but as one of his old friends - but she didn't even do that. She made it clear that a lot of people take priority over him. And her defense? "You haven't exactly been the best boyfriend."

??????????????? I'm still baffled over this one, too. What.... was his shortcoming, in their weird arrangement. What does he expect her to do? I wonder if this is more about their motives in the relationship? If hers is to gain access to this exclusive world, does she wish he was taking her around and introducing her to people so she can go make all the connections? It doesn't even matter, because the point is, she didn't even bother to apologize to him and instead tried to shift blame, and that's why I have issues with Alyssa. If she wants to climb the social ladder, by all means do it, but not at the expense of hurting people who care about you. Alyssa probably has a better idea than, say Dieter, of Nol's family dynamic ("You know, I'm already invisible to my family and their friends") and she still continues to do what she does. THAT's what makes me angry.

Something else that always stands out to me, too, is how Alyssa responds to Nol asking "What if we end up growing to resent each other?" because she's never, until this point, seen Nol as anything but a vapid version of his Yeonggi mask: sweet Nol who never asks for anything, who just accepts the way things are, sweet Nol who makes it so easy for her to forget she has a boyfriend because she doesn't have to work for anything. Whereas Nol is already starting to resent her. He's bitter about the way she treats him, bitter about his priority in her life, bitter about the things he wants vs what he receives (hello Shinae/Alyssa foils!). And Alyssa doesn't get it, because she doesn't look at it beyond her own scope. The Yeonggi she knows would never.... but the Yeonggi she knows isn't real.

Ultimately, I think the conversation revealed a lot of answers to Nol and that's why we see that shift in their dynamic. He has accepted that he's never going to be one of her priorities, that she won't make the effort he wants her to. He told her about the schools he applied to and we can tell from his reaction he was hoping she would at least act sad, ask him if he really has to. Her fast encouragement told him what he already suspected: she doesn't care about him as much as what a relationship with him affords her. And he stops reaching out. He stops sending her updates. He stops trying to get in contact for reasons other than keeping up appearances. (When he takes her to the dinner with the Kims and his family, it is absolutely him using her as a shield/buffer, as well as to "keep up the appearances" the way Rand wants him to.)

The conversation with Meg and Alyssa also reveals two things: a. there is NO communication between Nol and Alyssa and she really knows nothing about him. His shift in personality has her worried. But b. she's worried the shift is more about what he knows about her and her past, and not, say, the way she treats him. Alyssa is a performer - both as a career and a personality type. She wants to control the narrative to keep the best view of her possible. This includes withholding information. I can't say I 100% fault her here because if I was her, I wouldn't be proud of how I'd treated Shinae, either, or the push, even as an accident. But she is absolutely terrified of him finding out, doesn't want to even ask him about it. (I wonder if she senses anything about how much Nol cares about her; he did, after all, end up involved with Shinae's fall in attempt to rescue her from Sangchul.) But what Alyssa isn't so concerned about is what Nol being close with someone else means: it's what secrets that particular person can reveal about her.

At any rate, I think currently Nolyssa are in a very interesting situation: it's clear to me that Nol has shackled himself to Alyssa because he doesn't believe he really deserves anything else. Whether or not you ship Stalkyoo, it's evident that his "why don't we call it quits" and then subsequent apology is a back and forth of his resolve, wanting to remove himself from yet another uncomfortable situation that weighs him down, only to realize he (according to his own view) doesn't deserve that freedom and needs her buffer against his family at a time like this. Based on the change in how he acts with her and treats her, it's clear he's no longer pretending maybe this is a real relationship or that it can become one. Nol has given up that fantasy and really has just shackled himself to her, because he's not getting a lot out of this. Not compared to her, at any rate. For him, it's just another act of self-sabotage, a self-inflicted penance for the crimes he's slowly believing of himself (that he is a bad person, that he makes bad things happen, that his very existence is a mistake).

And if you DO subscribe the belief that the moment Shinae and Nol had on the balcony reveals to him that his feelings might not be as purely platonic as he thought, shackling himself to Alyssa is shield not only against his family, but against the feelings he's trying to deny and fight. If he's dating someone else, he can't entertain thoughts about anyone else. If he's dating the friend of Shinae, he certainly cannot entertain those thoughts.

Alyssa, on the other hand, is growing nervous of this reckless and cool version of Nol that doesn't match up with the warm, kid-like Yeonggi she knew, and it scares her that there's more to him than she ever knew, and that he comes across so detached. She really doesn't want Nol (or anyone I'm sure) to know about that incident. But the thing about being famous is... netizens have a way of bringing back the worst things you've done. I don't remember the episode it happened in but remember when Shinae is in class and some people are talking about Alyssa's group's debut? And one of the classmates says they went to school with her in middle school....? Anyone on cleaning crew that day will remember what happened, and no doubt there were Rumors going around.....

I wonder how she'll feel over him pleading guilty. It won't reflect well upon her, but is being a part of the Hirahara world worth it to her? After all, as long as she's careful no one knows, right? His verdict doesn't reflect upon her unless people know....