#but the downsides will keep me busy. idk. the hours are perfect to if i must work 40 hours then this is the best schedule for me to

[ratwars]

I love pavloving myself with music for writing I've done it twice now and it has made it so easy to pick things up. First with the Roses and Revolutions coffee shop playlist for Angel Collective, now with The Cure's Disintegration for The Same Deep Water as You. It is like a cheat code to productivity, but it only works if the music fits my writing and that is not something I can just conjure up every time.

[elsewhereuniversity]

We Need Backup

So… this is a tough one. 

My room-mates and I are in kind of a bind. We have this rental, see? It’s nice enough, for student digs - modern(ish) furniture, climate control, decent (not great, but decent) wifi connection. 

The only real downside is it’s kind of not exactly real. Or not always real. Something about N-phase space and the quantum uncertainty principle, idk.

There’s an overgrown path in one of those school gardens the horticulture club set up a few years back - you know, with all the willow trees and roses? It’s made of weird amber-ish stones laid out in pentagons.

If you follow it the right way,  it goes to a little valley on the border (so far as we can tell) of Summer territory. The grass is green, the air is warm, the ring of oaks and maples growing around the rim are always in rich, vivid color; it’s full of thick wildflowers that line the slope, and our house is right at the bottom. 

 If you follow it the wrong way, though, you wind up stuck in either the 3rd back-up spare props room or a life-sized mural on the wall of the Art building’s atrium. And most people follow it the wrong way. 

So, as you might imagine, we don’t get a lot of visitors. Like I said, we rent, and the 4 of us - including me - have never even seen our landlord. There’s a powder-blue ceramic bowl on the mail table: it’s due 3 gold drachmas on the 11th of every month, which always disappear by sunrise. It’s a little odd, yeah. We *do* certainly have questions. But, overall, we like to think we’re lucky. 

See, none of us can live in a dorm. Believe me, we’ve tried. Euclid’s closing in on a Phd in Irrational Geometry and Applied Mathemagics, so zher homework assignments keep warping the fabric of reality; rearranging furniture, tearing holes in the walls, and adding extra space where it really shouldn’t be. Molybdos was the only survivor of a questing party gone very, very wrong. She has wicked PTSD, which manifests itself mostly in violent screaming and semi-corporeal night terrors. Silphium’s sick; I’m not sure what’s wrong with him, quite frankly, but being in the dorm rooms made it worse. The medicine that helps him can’t be brewed Ironside; there’s a good chance he’ll never be able to leave. 

Me? I had a stalker issue. Someone in a few of my classes heard about a particular family heirloom I’m quite loathe to part with, and they got interested. Very interested. Dangerously interested. 

But that’s not the point. The point is, we’re really not used to company. 

So , as you might imagine, it was somewhat of a shock to wake up one morning and find a Gentry man on our living room couch. 

Unconscious. 

Oh, Archivist, he’s in bad shape. There are thick ropes of scars around his neck and wrists. 

We had to scrub a while to get rid of all the ingrained filth - there was lots of it, dirt and dried gore and other crap - but it turns out his skin is pale. Not normal Fair Folk pale, either; the kind you get from spending too long underground. 

He’s got a blade of a nose, eyes a pure gold color, and bright red hair that seems to smoke if you look at it too long. Three fingers on his left hand are fused together by what look like old, pink scars, and his right arm is tattooed with all these crazy woad designs. You can tell that he used to be powerfully built; the guy’s almost seven feet tall, and his clothes (or what’s left of them) hung from his body. 

Well, we cut the damn things off. Then we did our best to clean him up. There were 12 open wounds that needed stitches, and lots of raw areas oozing this pale, watery gold stuff. Not to mention all the aforementioned filth. 

Anyway, long story short: something must’ve gone wrong. He’s been here for 3 days , gripped by delirium, caught in the throes of a hellish fever. He keeps moaning and thrashing around, raving in some kind of language none of us speak. 

Meanwhile, the wifi’s shot. Our phone lines put out nothing but a ‘drone’ noise, like huge clouds of flies in the speaker. Once everyone got home again the next day, the house won’t let us leave. it seems kind of…protective? I guess? The windows won’t open, and none of the doorknobs turn anymore. 

Euclid’s busy with zher chalk, drawing out bizarre patterns on the walls that zhe claims are wards. Silph’s working overtime trying to keep our ‘guest’ alive, and Moly…

Moly hasn’t slept. She’s… erratic. She keeps pacing around, staring out the windows, and clinging to her kukri while she mutters about how ‘they’re coming.’ 

Meanwhile, there’s a bad wind on the rise. The view outside grows darker every hour. Things have taken to lurking about; black and twisted, they hide in the wild grass and wait beneath the trees. Every time someone looks, there’s more of them: biding their time, in no kind of rush at all. They’ve got us where they want us, and they damn well know it. 

Since I can fly sometimes (thanks to that heirloom I mentioned) the others sent me for help. Thankfully, my other form is just smart enough to fit up the chimney flue. It was a tight, painful squeeze, and I lost a few feathers, but I made it. 

I’m sorry, Archivist, I didn’t know where else to go. Hopefully the goshawk rapping at your window didn’t freak you out too much.

 Do you know who our 'guest’ is? Is there someone - anyone - who can take him to safety? Are any Knights available - and, if so, can they please come drive off the intruders before my friends all get killed? I’d be more than happy to guide anyone who needs assistance.

In return, I brought a charm Euclid made. It was zher semester project junior year, and we thought you might have some use for it: 

A crystal lense etched with a Pythagoras tree. Perfect, of course. Those bronze rims around the edge are how you set the thing: they move independently, see? The biggest, outer one is for years, the middle for months, and the tiny inner one for days. Pick a date, work them around so the little notches all line up, then wave your hand over the clear part. It will show 13 minutes of an event you were involved in. 

Please hurry.

-Hamaliel

___

Congratulations: the heir apparent of the Autumn Court is dying on your futon, most likely from some manner of assassination attempt. You can officially consider yourself Embroiled In Intrigue. 

I will reach out to the Knights, but delicately - a good number of them would view your guest as not much better than whatever is coming for him. But there are always a handful more oriented towards protecting the helpless - any helpless - than they are towards eradicating the things that lurk in the dark woods.

I will also try to send word to a handful of Autumn changelings. If you are lucky they will pass on the news of their lost and found prince to someone powerful enough to come to his aid, and do so in time for it to change anything.

In the meantime, for the good it does: a dull knife of iron with a hilt of scorched bone, which will in your time of need become blindingly bright and razor-sharp. A caltrop tipped with iron, and in the same vein, small tangles of rusty nails, twisted into the shape of apples: guard your windows and doorways and hearth. You are not the only creature that can fly.

[deathnotesecretexchange]

Christmas Traditions

From: @madmeridian

To: @hhhhhotleafjuice

Prompt: mello and nears first kiss and all of the whammy kids on christmas (combined)

Additional tags: Meronia

Word Count: 1850

Author’s Notes: Okay so I thought it would be a cool idea to combine these two (I guess you’ll see why?) I like Christmas a lot so I was really excited to do that particular prompt! Anyway, I really hope you like it! If not I can try to rewrite it or smth idk let me know :)

Christmas at Wammy’s had always been an extravagant affair. It was rare to find a child or staff member who wasn’t excited for the Christmas season. The halls were lined in garland, lights were everywhere and there was no shortage of Christmas trees anywhere. In fact, it was near impossible to find a room that didn’t have one, whether it was a small one that children kept in their rooms, or large ones where the stars and angels on top were nearly brushing the ceiling. 

  Gift giving was an important part of these traditions as well. Children rarely tried to sneak out after hours, but during the holiday season, there were far more attempts, each more bold than usual. When they were inevitably caught, they stomped their feet and argued that they were only going out to buy gifts for their friends, even though the caretakers often took them down to stores and whatnot to do so. None of the orphans had been particularly good with socializing like normal people did, but they understood well that giving gifts was a good way to show friends that they cared. 

  Near was one of the few in the orphanage who neither gave nor received gifts. He’d only ever received one, from Linda the year prior, but only because she’d just found out that he didn’t get any and got teary-eyed about it the way she always did when hearing about some aspect of Near’s loneliness. Near supposed that he’d have to give her one this year in return, as would be expected of him. 

  He did see the value in giving gifts, but figuring out what to give people was a nightmare. Near had never really cared about anyone enough before to want to give them a gift. Likewise, no one had ever cared enough about him to do so, other than Linda.

  Of course, she was easy enough to get a gift for. She constantly complained about the lack of art supplies she was given to by the orphanage, so Near got her a nice set of quality paints. It would make her happy and hopefully show her some appreciation. Near wasn’t necessarily the best with people, but he did hope that she’d at least recognize this was his thank you from her gift last year. 

  Linda was the only person he bought for, though. It was an advantage, having so little people to shop for. Other kids spent hours in town, blowing all their money on gifts and still not having enough to buy everything. Near had been asked to loan out his allowance more than once, but he wasn’t dumb enough to say yes to that. He’d never get anything back. 

  Near often got called stingy for doing so, but he didn’t mind at all. He did spend his money on other things, like toys for himself and decorations for his room. Outwardly, he didn’t seem that much in the holiday spirit, but he did rather like Christmas. Simply put, he just didn’t celebrate the way everyone else did. 

  The weeks leading up to Christmas were often chaotic and Near preferred to stay in his room, to avoid it all. Spirits and energy were high, with no schoolwork to keep them busy. Near often watched from his window as kids played outside, throwing snowballs and making snow angels and snowmen outside. 

  Unsurprisingly, Mello was terrorizing some of the other kids his age, chucking snowballs hard at them while they screamed and ran away. Mello liked Christmas too, Near had noticed, but not quite for the same reasons the other children did. 

  Mello took great pride in reminding everyone of the religious significance of the holiday, though the only ones that really listened to him were the little children, who didn’t quite understand it all. Near had listened to him tell the story a few times too and found himself enraptured. Though, he was more enchanted by Mello’s passion for telling it than the story, which Near didn’t really believe in. 

  Of course, that meant that Mello didn’t give out many gifts, since he was a staunch believer that Christmas should be less about gifts and more about the religious aspects. In all the years Mello had been here, Near only remembered him ever giving Matt a gift and no one else. The staff, at least, was relieved they wouldn’t have to deal with Mello trying to sneak out for Christmas shopping and the like. 

  Near could see a small group of children gathered further out in the field, whispering amongst themselves. They kept giving shifty looks to the caretakers watching over everyone outside. Near supposed they’d be the next to sneak out and probably the next to fail. Those that made it out were never that obvious about their plans like these younger children were. 

  Attempting not to get caught by the caretakers, especially Roger, was a time-honored tradition at Wammy’s. It was a high achievement if you were clever enough to be able to sneak out and back in without anyone knowing you’d left at all. Not many students had done it, since most didn’t make it out and those who did were quickly noted as missing. Though the punishment for sneaking out was often harsh, students still dared each other and tried. 

  Well, the staff at Wammy’s had encouraged them to try to achieve the impossible. It was only to be expected things like this would happen. 

  Near would’ve thought that those trying it would at least be smart enough not to talk about it outside, in the open. The group of children soon dispersed, but the caretakers had taken notice of their little meeting. Near was sure he would hear all about their failure tomorrow morning in the common room. 

  Another time-honored tradition at Wammy’s was staying up as late as possible on Christmas Eve. The caretakers knew the younger children would fall asleep fast, and the older children would follow. If anyone was truly able to stay up into the late hours of the night, they’d just be sent to bed and told that Father Christmas wouldn’t deliver their gifts if they didn’t. 

  Near did join in on this tradition, since he could still sit in the common room, unbothered, watching the others celebrate. It was during this time that the children who’d attempted to sneak out would regale everyone with the stories of their failed escape. Others would tell about their Christmas traditions from before Wammy’s, or lack thereof. Several of the older children told scary Christmas stories, resulting in many of the younger ones screaming and crying to the caretakers. 

  Overall, the energy was quite chaotic, everyone shouting and jumping everywhere, convinced they could stay up late. The caretakers often tried to set up games, so that they could tire everyone out, but it devolved into others making up their own “games” to play. One of which was another common tradition at Wammy’s.

  It wasn’t so much a game as it was a way to bully people into kissing each other. A group of kids would run around with mistletoe, proclaiming the two poor souls they had under it had to kiss. Some told them to bug off, while others did it to avoid being called a coward. Near was only lucky enough no one ever came close to him to get stuck in that situation. 

  Unfortunately, one of the kids that was new to the orphanage this year wasn’t quite clear on who to pick on and who not to. He had his turn to choose who to stick under the mistletoe and zeroed in on Mello. The child giggled and quietly crept up on him. Near almost thought that Mello was going to deck the child when his chocolate was snatched away, but the boy darted away, triumphantly waving the chocolate in the air. Everyone else had frozen. No one did that to Mello, not without getting their butt kicked by him.

  “If you want it back, you have to kiss someone,” the boy sang, ignoring the worried looks everyone was giving him. “I choose…" 

  The boy’s eyes flitted around the room, searching for the perfect target. Then he settled back on Near with an evil grin. 

  "You have to kiss Near, Mello.” He rushed over to dangle the mistletoe over Near’s head tauntingly. 

  Near thought that Mello would just storm over and take his chocolate back, judging by the furious look on his face. Then another kid piped up, trying to support their friend. 

  “Yeah! Are you chicken, Mello? Not gonna do it?" 

  Some other kids half-heartedly joined in the jeering in a weak attempt to stop their friend from getting decked. Mello’s scowl turned more into a frown as more kids piped up and Near saw the cogs turning in his head. If he were to just take back the chocolate, he would be seen as a chicken for not taking up the dare. The downside was, he’d have to kiss Near. 

  Eventually, he came to a decision and stomped over. Near had predicted that Mello would take the fall so that he wouldn’t have to kiss his self-proclaimed rival. Everyone else did too, judging by the way they looked at the new boy with sympathy. 

  However, everyone was proven wrong when Near was dragged up by his collar and his lips met Mello’s. Confusion briefly overtook him, as to why Mello would possibly agree to kissing him. But the feeling of Mello’s warm lips on his distracted his train of thought and he finally melted into to it-

  and then he promptly fell back on the floor when Mello let go of him. 

  Near noticed that Mello’s face was flushed, that Mello had even whispered a small "sorry” to him. Then, just like that, Mello turned to the kid and took his chocolate bar away. He also pushed the kid to the ground, but that was far more expected than what had just happened. 

  “Near, are you okay?” Linda asked, rushing up to him. Near realized that his face was equally as red as Mello’s had been and that he’d just been sitting there, dumbfounded. He hid his face a little, picking up another piece of his puzzle. 

  “Fine, thanks,” he mumbled, hoping she wouldn’t push further. 

  Linda put her hands on her hips, lips pursed, but didn’t say anything else. Near noticed her giving Mello and Matt a look briefly before going back to her spot on one of the couches. 

  Near refused to leave the common room early, despite the incident that had occurred. He was one of the few that was sent up hours after everyone else had fallen asleep, since he didn’t mind staying up late. Mello was one of those people too and Near pointedly avoided his gaze as they all stumbled up the stairs to go to bed. 

  That night, Near had trouble falling asleep, the feeling of Mello’s lips on his still stuck in his mind. He couldn’t shake the thought that it was the best Christmas gift he could’ve gotten.

[smooshjames]

forget you not (i)

you returned and the wall comes falling down (or: welcome back to la)

word count: a little over 4k

a/n: friends, quarantine has been good for one thing and one thing only: spurring me to write 20,000 words of shayne topp fanfic. it’s five parts and it’ll be updated (probably?) weekly. maybe more often if a lot of people like it. the premise is that the reader (hey that’s you) is in a band (which is based off of little mix; if you’re unfamiliar you should check them out here because they’ve never written a bad song ever) and uhhh things happen. i didn’t write any of the songs mentioned herein; here are links to the songs mentioned this chapter (x, x)

warnings: a metric fuck-ton of angst, this isn’t gender neutral (reader is referred to with she/her pronouns) so there’s that, reader is also implied to have anxiety but i never use the word directly (idk if that’s a necessary warning but it didn’t fit anywhere else)

Shayne knew something was up the second Courtney rounded the corner. He was sitting at his desk working on some ideas for possible upcoming videos, but he glanced up when he noticed the blonde entering. She cast a quick glance around the room, looking for somebody, and then she made eye contact with Shayne and did that thing she did when she was up to no good: a slight narrowing of the eyes, a slight upturn of the lips. She squared her shoulders and began marching directly toward him.

Great.

“Mr. Topp,” she said once she was within earshot of him. She rounded his desk and leaned back against it, folding her arms over her chest. “I have a proposition for you.”

Great.

Shayne sat back in his chair and nodded.

“I bought concert tickets for this Saturday for me and a friend,” she began. “But my friend just canceled on me -- family emergency -- and now I’ve got no one to go with. I already asked a bunch of other people and they’re already busy. I got these tickets months ago and they’re really good tickets so they were super fucking expensive and I feel shitty just… throwing one away. So I was hoping you would go with me.”

There was a moment of silence as Shayne considered. He was pretty sure he knew what the tickets were for; Courtney had been into some girl group lately. It probably wasn’t his first pick for a concert, but he was free on Saturday and he could tell Courtney really wanted someone to come with her. Plus, he was never one to turn down a free concert ticket.

“Yeah, sure,” he said. It would be good for him to get out of the house, at least. “Why not?”

Courtney grinned and clapped her hands together. “Great! I got a really good deal on VIP tickets so there’s a photo op beforehand. I’ll text you the address, be there at five o’clock on the dot.”

Shayne nodded and smiled over his shoulder as Courtney retreated back to her own desk. With her gone, he turned back to his laptop and got back to work, considering his new weekend plans as he did so.

The band probably wasn’t his first pick, sure, but going to a concert with Courtney could never be boring. And it would sure as hell be better than sitting at his apartment alone all night. So, all things considered, he was pretty excited.

***

It had been a long time since you’d been in LA.

You’d been on-edge all day; jittery, standoffish. Being back in this city was a blessing and a curse. This was the place where you had discovered your love of music and started your career, but it was also the place where you’d suffered the worst heartbreak of your life.

It didn’t help that you’d gotten up at four o’clock that morning.

You and your bandmates had spent most of the day doing press before making your way to the venue of your concert -- not the biggest concert hall LA had to offer, but certainly not the smallest, which was bittersweet in your mind. The decently-sized venue meant you were succeeding and moving up in the world. It also meant a decently-sized paycheck. But, on the downside, it meant that the crowd would be one of the biggest you’d ever performed for. More people meant more eyes watching your every move, scrutinizing you, noticing if you did something wrong. That filled you with dread.

You took a deep breath in the dressing room mirror, trying to convince yourself that everything would be okay. In five minutes, the meet and greet/photo op for people with VIP tickets would begin. You looked stunning; black and white leotard, thigh-high boots, and a faux fur coat which would definitely cause you to overheat under the stage lights. Your makeup and hair were done up to perfection.

You were photo-ready by all accounts except your own. You couldn’t stop fidgeting with your outfit, your hair, your accessories, trying in vain to make yourself look perfect. You could never quite seem to get there.

You were startled out of your thoughts by the sound of the dressing room door opening. One of your bandmates and best friends, Carly, entered the room. She was dressed in a black-and-white outfit to match the theme, but hers consisted of high-waisted leather pants and a crop top. Her makeup was the same as yours.

“Hey,” she said, voice soft. Carly had been your friend since before the band started, and thus she knew about what had happened last time you were in LA. You didn’t like to talk about it much, partly because it made you upset and partly because you didn’t see the point in dwelling on it. It had been years ago. It was stupid to be upset about it, and yet here you were. And Carly knew because you told Carly everything, even the stupid things.

You didn’t say anything in response to her greeting. You just flashed her a tight smile and checked yourself one last time in the mirror. You took a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth, trying to calm your nerves. You decided that you’d have to face the music sooner or later.

“We’re all ready when you are, buttercup,” Carly said. You smiled at the sound of her nickname for you. “How’re you feeling?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” you replied. And then you followed her out of the dressing room.

The photo op room was pretty simple. A small room half taken up by a simple white backdrop, half taken up with lights and camera equipment. There were four stools set out for you and your bandmates. The fans would come in through a door to the band’s left, talk for a couple of minutes, take their picture, and exit out the door to the band’s right. From there, they would go to their seats in the concert hall.

All you had to do was stand there, be friendly, smile for pictures. Easy.

And for the first hour or so, it was. You met countless fans and had wonderful conversations with them. A couple of them talked to you specifically about how important and inspiring you were to them, which honestly had you a little bit speechless.

You finished up your conversation with a group of teenage girls all decked out in tour merch, smiled for your picture, and waved to them as their chaperone (one of the girls’ moms, you assumed) led them out.

With the door shut behind them, you heard the door to your left open and the next group be admitted. A girl of average height rounded the backdrop, smiling brightly. She was pretty, you noted; thin, with shoulder-length blonde hair and delicate features. She had her hand wrapped around someone’s wrist, and when your gaze lifted from their wrist to their face, your heart nearly stopped beating.

Shayne.

You knew that Carly realized it was him at the same moment you did because you felt her stiffen beside you. You groped blindly for a stool and sat down on it, forcing yourself not to bolt out of the room. It seemed that he hadn’t noticed you yet.

Carly took a step backward so she could put an arm around your shoulders. If you didn’t know any better, you wouldn’t have thought anything of it. Everyone knew you and Carly were best friends (there were even quite a few people out there who suspected you were a couple). But you knew that she was trying to ground you in reality, and for that, you were profoundly grateful.

You were also impressed with Carly’s acting ability at that moment because even as her entire body went rigid, her smile didn’t waver for a millisecond. The girl introduced herself as Courtney and began talking excitedly to Alexis, one of your other bandmates, and she seemed to be none the wiser to the sudden tension in the room.

You couldn’t tear your eyes away from Shayne even despite your best efforts to look at Courtney, or Carly, or Matt the photographer, or even the floor. He had grown up a lot since you saw him last, and he looked good. Seeing him again was bringing up all the conflicted feelings you’d been keeping locked inside your chest for the past five years, and you were pretty sure you were going to explode.

For the first few seconds, he wasn’t looking at the band; he turned around the room, looking at the lighting and equipment. You figured, based on the fact that you didn’t really sing Shayne’s type of music, and based on the way Courtney had been holding onto his wrist when they walked in, that it hadn’t been his idea to come to this concert.

You also figured they were probably dating, which made the revolt currently happening in your gut that much worse.

Time screeched to a halt as Shayne turned back around from inspecting the lighting equipment and immediately made direct eye contact with you. His eyes went wide and his jaw dropped slightly. Suddenly, you couldn’t hear what Courtney -- who had now moved on to talking to Piper, your fourth bandmate -- was saying. The ringing in your ears was too loud. A strangled sound was pulled out of your throat and you covered it with a loud, abrupt cough. When you looked back, Shayne seemed to be looking anywhere but your face.

And then Courtney made her way over to you. 

She was just another fan, you told yourself. Just another fan, not your ex’s new girlfriend. Just another fan, not a girl who was definitely prettier and funnier and smarter than you, who Shayne probably loved more than he’d ever loved you. Just another fan, not the girl who got to hold him at night while you slept alone in a cold hotel bed.

“Y/N!” she squealed. You swallowed hard and forced a smile onto your face. She seemed really nice, and you hated yourself for hating her. From the way she was acting, you figured that she probably didn’t know who you were. At least, who you were to Shayne. “Can I hug you? I know that’s super forward but you’re, like, my favorite singer in the whole world and I’ve been counting down the minutes until I got to meet you!”

Carly stiffened beside you again, but you ignored her. Piper and Alexis seemed to have caught on by now that something was wrong; they didn’t know who Shayne was, but they knew when you were faking a smile, and they knew that whenever Carly got protective over you, something was wrong.

Doing your best not to think about it, you nodded enthusiastically. “Of course!” you said. You slid off your stool and closed the distance between the two of you, wrapping her up in a hug. There was one awful moment when your feet hit the ground that you thought your knees wouldn’t support you, but you managed to stay upright despite the fact that your bones were turning into Jell-O. You squeezed your eyes shut and pretended you were hugging Carly, Piper, literally any other human being on the planet. As soon as she pulled back, you sat back down, not trusting yourself to stand unsupported.

“Okay, picture time,” Matt said.

Courtney nodded and got over onto your right side, slinging her arm around your shoulders and beaming for the picture. Shayne took his place between Piper and Alexis.

Matt snapped a few photos and then Courtney and Shayne were ushered out of the room by one of the crew people, and it was like you could breathe again. You collapsed against Carly like a house of cards. You were fairly sure that without her there to hold you somewhat upright, you would’ve fallen off your stool and into a heap on the ground. You felt your hands start to shake and you cursed yourself for it, hated yourself for the way your throat constricted with tears.

You heard Piper ask Matt if the band could have a moment of privacy, heard the door shut as he left the room, but it was distant and muffled, like your head was underwater. You pushed yourself away from Carly and gulped in air, trying to remember how to breathe, trying desperately not to vomit.

Carly let you sit up on the stool on your own, keeping just one hand on your arm as support. She knew you well enough to know that you needed a little bit of space to breathe and get your bearings. Alexis and Piper had walked over now, forming a protective huddle around you. You curled in on yourself slightly, crossing your arms over your stomach and staring down at your knees, trying to focus on breathing.

“We need to talk.”

A bolt of panic flashed through you. Shayne had just gotten home, and he was being oddly distant. You asked him how his day was and got no reply, which was strange. For a few minutes, though, you were able to rationalize it; maybe he’d just had a rough day and didn’t want to talk about it.

But then you heard those dreaded four words, and for just a moment the world stopped turning. Your hands trembled slightly as you put your bookmark in the book you were reading and leaned forward to set it safely on the coffee table. You put on the most neutral, unaffected face you could and turned around to face him. He was leaning up against your kitchen island with his back to you. His head was bowed slightly and you could see the tension he was holding in his shoulders.

“What’s up, babe?” you asked. All things considered, you actually managed to sound somewhat normal. You’d been half-expecting your voice to come out as a strained squeak, and half-expecting it to not come out at all. The fact that you’d managed a coherent sentence was a triumph in and of itself.

“This isn’t working anymore.”

There it was. The fear you’d had since day one. The thing that kept you awake long after he’d fallen asleep. He had gotten tired of you, finally realized he was better off without you, that he could do better than you. You felt tears welling up in your eyes but managed by some miracle to hold them back. A question flashed through your mind unbidden; had he already found someone else?

“What?” you asked, hoping against hope that you’d heard him wrong.

He turned to face you now, and his expression was unreadable. His eyes were stony, narrowed, distant. For a moment, you almost didn’t recognize him. You were used to Shayne as he always was; open, gentle, all warm gazes and goofy grins. In all the time you’d known him, he’d never been hard for you to read. But now he was and that was terrifying.

“I can’t be with you,” he said. He didn’t even sound upset; no anger, no sadness. He was just… resigned, passive, like he felt nothing all. Like there was nothing you could do or say to change this. Like it was inevitable.

You shook your head, mouth slightly agape, completely dumbfounded. You were trying to think of something to say, something poetic and beautiful that would make him reconsider, but your brain was making dial-up noises trying to compute what he was saying, and suddenly all the words in the English language escaped you entirely.

“I’m sorry,” he said. And he shrugged.

You didn’t cry, which took an impressive level of self-control on your end. No, you wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing you cry. If he wanted this, fine. If he felt nothing, fine. Then you felt nothing either.

Without a word, you went into the bedroom and threw some clothes into a bag. You grabbed your laptop. You walked into the bathroom to pack the essential toiletries.

Shayne didn’t move a muscle. He stood stock-still in the middle of your living space, staring at the place where you’d been sitting.

Finally, with your bag packed, you walked back into the living room and picked up your phone, keys, and wallet. You also tucked the book you’d been reading into your bag. “I’ll be back in a couple days to get the rest of my stuff,” you said. “You can keep all the furniture. Stay in the apartment if you want. I’m going to Carly’s.”

“That’s it?” he asked. He was staring at you, brows furrowed, voice strained.

You narrowed your eyes, confused and a little angry. “This is what you want, isn’t it? You just said that this isn’t working anymore. Am I supposed to fight? You want our last conversation to be a screaming match? I’ve been in this situation before, Shayne. There’s nothing I can say to change your mind. Better I leave now before we both say shit we regret.”

“I --” he began, but you were already gone.

“That was her ex,” you heard Carly say, and you realized that Piper had asked what was wrong. “He… well, there’s a lot of history there.”

Alexis and Piper both murmured sympathetically. You all had your share of shitty exes and love-related experiences; you’d all written your share of songs about it, that much was certain. Shayne was no exception there, but you were almost certain he didn’t know about your music. He had seemed just as surprised as you were when he saw you.

“Hey, sweetheart,” a new voice caused you to look up from your hunched position. Michelle, your manager, was standing there with a water bottle and a sympathetic look on her face. You took the water from her and smiled gratefully, not trusting your voice. “There are only a few fans left in line and then you’ve got some time between the photo op and mic check, okay?

“Maybe we should tell them that Y/N’s not feeling well --” Alexis began, but you held up a hand to stop her.

“I’m fine,” you said. You took a long drink of water and straightened up, put on a brave face. “I can tough it out through the last few groups. I will not disappoint people who paid money to see me, especially not over a boy.”

“That’s my girl,” Carly said, squeezing your arm before letting her hand drop back to her side. Michelle nodded and went to let the next group in. Matt the photographer reentered.

You smiled through the rest of the meet and greet, and it seemed like the fans were none the wiser. Finally, the last ones left and you felt your shoulders relax. You felt better now that some time had passed between seeing Shayne, still shaken up but far less nauseous.

“Mic check is at 6:30,” Michelle said once the last group was gone. “It’s just after six now so you’ve got a little under a half-hour to finish getting ready for the show. Take a breather, Y/N,” she said. You couldn’t help but laugh a little at that; Michelle was your manager, but she was also essentially the group’s mom while you guys were on the road. She kept you guys on schedule and on task, but always made sure your health was a priority as well. She was a godsend.

Carly, Alexis, and Piper led you back to the dressing room, where you immediately sank down into one of the armchairs in the back corner. It was half-hidden behind your costume rack, but that was alright; it was the most comfortable chair in the room, and you didn’t have to look at yourself in the mirror while you sat in it.

“I have an idea,” Carly said. You raised an eyebrow at the tone of her voice and the look on her face; that little smirk was never good. “Why don’t we sing Towers? You wrote it about him, didn’t you?”

You sighed. She was right; you had written a lot of songs about him, or at least with him in mind, and Towers was one of them. “I don’t know…” you said. On the one hand, it sounded really good. Towers was, in your opinion, one of the best songs you’d ever written, so you knew the fans would love it. And it was sort of a golden opportunity, right? When else would you get to sing one of the songs you’d written about him, one of the last songs you’d written about him, in a forum where you could be sure he’d hear it?

But on the other hand, it felt cruel. Your relationship had ended in fucking flames, but it hadn’t been entirely his fault. You had done things wrong, too, and it would be childish for you to ignore that. Besides, he had clearly moved on. You didn’t want to be the one dwelling on the past and singing a song from five years ago to a boy who was already ten miles past over you.

But on the other other hand, he’d probably never even heard the song before. He wouldn’t know that you specifically had written it, and he wouldn’t know that it was about him. Maybe singing it knowing he could hear would be the thing you needed to finally get closure. He didn’t have to actually know it was about him; you just had to convince yourself that he did. And then maybe your heart would finally put the years you’d spent together to rest. You took a deep breath.

“Okay,” you said. “When’s a good time to slot it in?”

The rest of the band giggled excitedly and began pitching ideas for when it would be the best time to sing the song. You did your best to settle your nerves, still frayed from seeing Shayne and now renewed with the idea of singing this song in front of him. But you were ready. In fact, you were excited.

You just hoped it didn’t blow up in your face.

***

Shayne was pretty sure his fucking lungs were collapsing.

Courtney was talking animatedly as she led him to their seats -- which were, of course, right up against the front of the stage -- but his brain wasn’t processing any of her words. He just mumbled his approval occasionally; yeah, the blonde’s outfit was really pretty, sure, they were all so nice. He desperately wanted to get out of this arena. He considered feigning a stomach ache and going home, but he’d feel like an asshole if he did. He certainly didn’t want to tell Courtney the truth for fear of ruining the concert (or, even worse, the band as a whole) for her. He had no way out; he’d have to suck it up and get through the concert. Once it was done, then he could go home and scream into his pillows to his hearts content.

He was so taken up by the whirlwind of emotions, thoughts, and memories running through his head that he almost slammed into Courtney as she stopped short, evidently having found their seats. He caught himself just in time to avoid hitting her, luckily, but not in time to avoid her noticing that something was up. “You okay?” she asked. Damn her and her perceptiveness.

“Uh, yeah,” he said. “Just, um… I’m gonna run to the bathroom. I’ll meet you back here.”

She nodded, and he barely even heard her little “okay” before he was walking quickly up the aisle toward the exit. He felt his throat spasming around tears and gritted his teeth against the sensation. He refused to cry. It had been years. He should’ve been over this.

He made his way toward the men’s bathroom and felt relief flood his system when he discovered it empty. He supposed it was still over an hour before the show started; the only people here were the arena crew, the band’s people, and the VIP ticket holders.

Shayne braced himself against the sink counter and gave himself a long, hard look in the mirror. All things considered, he looked alright. His eyes were a little red but he didn’t look like he’d been crying, and his breathing was coming a little more evenly now that he had the time to collect himself.

He just hadn’t been expecting to see you, that was all. It definitely wasn’t that some part of him was still in love with you, that he was kicking himself for letting you get away, and that seeing you in person had brought back every ounce of self-loathing over what had happened. No, it wasn’t that; he’d just been caught off guard. You had seemed pretty stricken yourself, if your widened eyes and shallow breathing had been any indication. His chest tightened at the notion that he may have caused you any anxiety or pain before you had to perform, especially on top of the damage he had already done so long ago.

Breathe, Shayne. Just breathe.

He nodded at himself in the bathroom mirror and went to rejoin Courtney. The whole time, he was desperately trying to convince himself that he would just enjoy the concert. He resolved to ignore the fact that it was you up there singing and dancing (and wearing an insanely revealing costume that hugged your curves in all the right places). He could still have fun.

He would still have fun.

[dcomposing]

jumin route rewrite???

ive had.... Issues with jumin's route since the first time i played it and im waiting out a 3 hour layover which means its time to self indulgently fix all of those problems right now in excruciating detail

for the record, i dont mean any disrespect towards cheritz -- i love mysme dearly and this is purely a self indulgent experiment to see what my ideal jumin route would have been! if you like his route as is thats totally fine! it just wasnt for me lmao

this was super fun to write and if this picks up i might do another route rewrite (and i might do it even if it doesnt because it was just that fun lol)

anyways this is REALLY long (literally its like 3k words all in outline form) so its gonna go under the cut lol

okay so: issues i had with jumin’s route that i want to address:

it moves WAY too fast — i mean all of the routes do to a certain degree; they’re only 11 days long but like... you’re literally engaged to him by the end of it which iirc, is something that is only replicated in seven’s normal ending (and even then i think its only implied?) and i get that the point is that jumin goes all out for the people he loves and is VERY certain that he loves you but it just feels... way too soon for my liking ESPECIALLY because you’re his first love! it just makes it feel like he’s caught up in the rush of being in love for the first time and isn’t thinking things through which... isn’t exactly the making of a great relationship lol. so for this re- write we’re gonna slow it WAY down because... oof. 

the sarah and glam plot line happening concurrently with the mint eye/possessive jumin one makes the route feel overly busy. i actually have a similar issue with the echo girl/mint eye overlap in zen’s route but that’s a topic for another day lol. so i’m gonna try to delineate between the two a bit more so there’s less overlap.

SPEAKING OF possessive jumin lol... maybe its just my Personal Background bleeding in, but possessiveness is a really big red flag/trigger for me and i felt like it went WAY too far in his route. dgmw, i understand that its meant to be a character flaw and something he’s meant to overcome but i just feel like there are simpler ways to show that side of him without it becoming... as scary as it got. i wasn’t sure how to deal with it though -- i think it would best be expressed through smaller actions and the minutia of dialogue with the others (e.g. jumin refusing to send a photo of you into the chat room when zen asks if you’re alright, locking up elizabeth, etc.)

the canon first kiss with jumin happening both without your explicit consent AND just to drive sarah away is.... icky to me. especially because he MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH SARAH while kissing you??? i hate that cg lol. it just takes what should be a moment about the two of you and turns it into him using you to prove a point and i don’t like it at all. it’s not romantic and it feels... out of character for jumin to use someone he cares about like that. i have similar issues with the proposal happening right after he exposes glam and sarah. so lets make the kiss more genuine and nix the proposal entirely because it happens too quickly for comfort anyways.

with all of that in mind, i decided a fake dating plot would probably work best (and like i said, this is self indulgent and i’m a SUCKER for fake dating stories sooooo). it makes sure we hit all the beats of the glam/sarah plot line without shoving him and the mc into a relationship too quickly. it also means we can keep their first kiss as a big “fuck you” to sarah, but this time mc gets to be 100% in on the joke AND they get to have a “real” first kiss later on! that’s two (2!) kisses for the price of one folks.

i also decided that in order to streamline the plot a bit, the glam and sarah plot should end earlier, allowing for the mint eye plot to take center stage instead of being shoehorned in around a larger love triangle plot line. also glam and sarah are annoying and i don’t want to deal with them for six full days. the only downside is we don’t get to see v dunk on sarah at the party :-(

in lieu of a proposal for the necessary Big Romantic Gesture at the party, i thought it would be nice if jumin whisked you away from the party to paris or somewhere far away for a ridiculously extravagant first date literally in the middle of the party. not only is it ridiculously grandiose in and of itself, but in abandoning the party halfway through, it shows that jumin has grown into a more relaxed and spontaneous person through knowing you! he’s ready to throw caution to the wind and have fun with you (plus, Big Romantic Date cg!!)

day 5:

VN mode where we essentially get the exact same scene of chairman han telling jumin he wants him to marry sarah to make the merger with sugar round go more smoothly BUT this time jumin blurts out that he’s already with someone and that he didn’t want to go public with it yet. he assumes his father won’t press further, given that they’ve always had a mutual respect for one another’s privacy, but at glam’s insistence, chairman han says he wants to meet jumin’s partner. oh no!

jumin laments his situation to the rfa, resulting in pretty typical responses. zen laughs, yoosung is sympathetic but also kind of wishes it were just that simple for him to meet a wife. jaehee is worried that the inevitable fallout of this will result in more work for her. everything is business as usual until seven is like “ur so rich why don’t you just pay someone to pretend to date you lolol” and jumin (being, well, jumin) runs with it 100%. because they don’t have time to vet candidates (they’re supposed to have dinner with his dad tomorrow night!) he decides it should be someone he knows, but the majority of the other rfa members are already acquainted with his father via rfa events, making it more likely that he sees through the ruse. mc, however, has never met him, making them the perfect candidate! who would have thought lol

so they decide to move you into the penthouse that evening BUT before that can happen, they have to clear it with v because bomb, hacker, mint eye, etc. (yes this is how i’m choosing to do the bomb reveal lol). bonus, v gets to chide jumin about his dumb lie and we get a fun bff conversation with them!

final VN where you show up to the penthouse and you and jumin establish the parameters of your “relationship”. you decide that you’ll both sleep in his bed, just in case a cleaning staff member walks in and notices that he and his partner sleep separately and it ruins everything. establish what physical contact is and isn’t cool, etc, etc. you also decide that when the time comes, you’re going to tell his dad that the entire debacle with sarah put so much strain on your relationship that you had to break up. the hope being that chairman han will feel so bad about ruining things for jumin that he won’t try to force him into something like that ever again.

days 6-8:

you have dinner with his dad and answer pretty typical “meeting the parrents” questions. he asks what you guys did for your first date and jumin tells a 100% fake story about taking you to dinner on top of the eiffel tower and kissing you beneath the stars and the chairman is satisfied. that doesn’t mean that glam and sarah are though. they decide to do some sleuthing to prove that you guys aren’t really dating.

this is the fun part where we get to hit most of the beats of ur typical fake dating story! you and jumin get to know each other really well, albeit kind of superficially (favorite foods, fun childhood stories, etc. etc. nothing too heavy yet.) you guys cook together for the first time, cue cg of jumin with like... idk tomato sauce on his cheek or something. you watch a movie together and elizabeth falls asleep on your lap and jumin dies on spot idk

this is also where your first kiss happens, and pretty much in the same way except its much more mutual and he doesn’t look at sarah this time because his focus is on trying to make it look like he doesn’t even care that she’s there because you’re the only thing he cares about. (which.... isn’t actually hard for him to do at all)

chatrooms are pretty typical for this timeframe — you guys all know the drill. the other members are like “wow they seem really close” and speculate on whether or not you guys are actually together. zen is worried that jumin is going to force himself on you (wolves, etc.). yoosung is jealous that jumin gets to hang out with you. jaehee is upset that jumin is neglecting his work.

VAGUE mentions of weird activity on the messenger, but nothing too serious sounding. just enough to make jumin nervous -- esp with sarah and glam on his back still. this is when he locks elizabeth up. 

 day 8, the chairman learns that sugar round is worthless and that glam and sarah have been duping him the whole time. they’re disgraced and are never heard from again so... problem solved but this also means that you and jumin no longer have a reason to stay “together”... and you’re both kind of falling for each other so obviously that’s no good. you spend one last night in the penthouse before resolving to break things off officially in the morning. the other members talk about how sad you guys both seem to be parting.

BAD STORY END 1:

if you shy away at the fake intimate gestures (hand holding, hugging, etc), and pointedly answer incorrectly when asked a question about jumin that you should know the answer to, your ruse fails and you guys are caught faking the relationship. to avoid the scandal breaking to the press, jumin winds up marrying sarah anyways.

the branch point for this one would be right before the kiss scene, if you’re on track for the good end then the kiss happens, if not, you’re forced to shove him away when he goes in for it, revealing to sarah that you guys are frauds.

the cg would be him and sarah at the press release for their engagement announcement. sarah’s all smiles and jumin is... pretty understandably miserable looking. a reporter asks him about the other person he was in a relationship with prior to his engagement to sarah, and he reads off a line about how sarah captivated him like no one else ever could in an emotionless voice.

BAD RELATIONSHIP END 1:

if you do fine during the VN portions, but aren’t active enough in the chats, then the fake relationship plan works, but afterwards its just... really awkward. once the whole mint eye thing ends you’re pretty much just excommunicated from the rfa since you... didn’t really seem to like them all that much.

day 9:

a huge attack on the messenger happens, coupled with explicit threats directed at mc, sending everyone into such a panic that ending your fake relationship is the last thing on anyones mind. jumin is so fucking scared that he’s going to lose you, and muses in the chatroom about why he’s more scared for your safety than he would be if it were, say, yoosung being threatened (cue yoosung’s crying emoji lmao). everyone else is like “well clearly its because you’re in love with them”

anyways. they decide its for the best if you continue to stay at the penthouse and in spite of everything, you’re both... kind of relieved lol. 

everything is all fine and dandy until elizabeth III runs away, ramping jumins anxiety up to 11 like... right away

this is where we really start to see behavior more along the lines of what happens in his route, you suggest the two of you leave and search for elizabeth, and he refuses to let you go, etc. etc. 

it sort of turns into a fight, but it all works out in the end. he tells you about rika and elizabeth and why she means so much to him, and you guys talk about how fear of losing someone important to him can’t rule his life, and that its one thing to be careful, but another entirely to try to control someone else’s behavior because of fear. 

you convince him to get some sleep, assuring him that elizabeth will turn up soon and that he’s going to be alright. you guys fall asleep next to eachother without even thinking about it. its not until jumin mentions something about waking up next to you in the chat the next day that the rest of the gang is like “uhhhh,,,, why are you guys still sharing a bed”

MEANWHILE lol seven and yoosung arrive at mint eye and find elizabeth, just like what happens in canon. they decide to bring her back tomorrow.

BAD STORY END 2:

obligatory mint eye ending. if you’re too aggressive and forward with jumin and don’t give him time to properly process his feelings, he doesn’t offer to let you stay at the penthouse, relying on seven’s assurance that the apartment is totally secure (it’s not). saeran breaks in and takes you away.

this branch happens pretty early in the day, before elizabeth escapes.

i thought about a cg for this one but tbh... there are so many saeran and mc at mint eye BE cgs that idk what i could come up with that wouldn’t be super derivative lol

BAD RELATIONSHIP END 2:

again, because you’re only talking to jumin and not the rest of the rfa, he assumes that you don’t like being in the rfa very much BUT he still likes you... a lot and is very worried about your safety re: hacker, AND because he still hasn’t really dealt with his issues regarding v/rika/emotions, you guys decide to just straight up leave lol. you move to a different country where he can pretty much continue doing his work remotely while keeping you safe.

the cg for this one is the two of you in a different cushy apartment somewhere. you’re making dinner while he works. its... stable, but noticeably stiff. neither of you are talking much and his dialogue is pretty stilted. its pretty clear that he regrets abandoning his friends and is unhappy.

day 10:

3AM chat with zen where he speaks entirely in thinly veiled hypotheticals about you guys. (“well, if i thought i could have a shot with someone i really loved, i think i would take that chance and tell them, even if i might get shot down. and even if that person was a huge ass who my sexy white-haired best friend hated. i would tell them how i felt”)

seven secures the messenger again and the threat is declared neutralized! you’re safe to go home but neither you nor jumin want that at all.

yoosung brings elizabeth back around 9, and it proceeds pretty similarly to what happens in his route: he’s wary about taking her back because he feels that he’s mistreated her, you’re like “whoa buddy you’re going too far in the opposite direction here” and you and v have to convince hm that its going to be okay. the only real difference is that v doesnt also have to convince him to let you go. he just says something about how the two of you seem to bring out the best in each other, and that jumin is brighter when you’re around. 

later, jumin (tries) to make you lunch using the cooking skills you taught him a few days ago as a final payment (since you refused actual money) for all of your help, both with his father and with elizabeth, but he winds up ordering in instead. its very cute BUT its super awkward because neither of you has said anything about not wanting to leave.

finally you have to face the music and pack your bags. you hug jumin goodbye and make him promise to still get lunch with you sometime before heading back to rika’s apartment sadly.

everyone is like “yo what the fuck???” and its actually yoosung of all people who is finally like “this is ridiculous. you two clearly have feelings for each other and you need to deal with it” 

jumin is absent from most of the chatrooms for the rest of the day  though, so he doesn’t really see anything until he forces himself to log on later that night and is like “oh”

and YES of course this is going to culminate in a typical romcom scene where he has driver kim race to the apartment so he can pound on the door and apologize to you and tell you how he feels!! maybe it even happens in the rain just to maximize romance. the important thing here is that you finally kiss him for real this time and its perfect.

BAD STORY END 3:

pretty much jumin’s BE2, if you werent assertive enough with him re: his possession/control issues on day 9, he never gets over them. when elizabeth is returned he locks her back up and insists that you continue to stay with him as well, canon BE2 ensues.

i gotta hand it to cheritz. its a really good bad ending and theres not much i wanna change about it. its so scary in a calm sort of way, which i think is the perfect vibe for a dangerously unhealthy jumin. if only people would stop fetishizing it lolol

party (GE ver):

you and jumin mingle with the guests and the other members for a bit, but as the evening goes on, jumin gets restless. he pulls you aside and tells you that, while you did a wonderful job planning the party, he can’t help but regret that your guys’ first

date is technically a work function. especially when the fake first date you told his father was so perfect. he then decides that the two of you have been there long enough to fulfill your obligations, and that no one could really begrudge you if you “took off” a little early. you guys fly to paris that night and have that dinner on top of the eiffel tower.

the ending cg isn’t a kiss one, but a more simple, sweet one of the two of you in a dimly lit restaurant, jumin listening to you talk with the most tender, loving look in his eyes.

party (NE ver):

you and jumin mingle with the guests and the other members for a bit, but as the evening goes on, jumin gets restless. he pulls you aside and tells you that, while you did a wonderful job planning the party, he can’t help but regret that your guys’ first date is technically a work function. especially when the fake first date you told his father was so perfect. he laments the fact that if he was caught shirking responsibilities to take you on a real date, the press would have a field day with it, but promises to make it up to you, and take you out on a proper one tomorrow.

this cg is the two of you dancing at the rfa party, jumin resting his chin on the top of your head and daydreaming out loud about everything the two of you could do on your real first date.

[ewankoseyo]

serious || highschool!jackson au

A/N: Just a lil something I whipped up on a bus ride. Hella longer than I expected but here you go! Part 2 of magnetic coming very soon!

——

jackson is the male lead in those cheesy teen romcoms who’s the most handsome and most popular guy in school and is actually nice to everyone

he messes around in class too much and can be really chatty but because he’s so nice and polite, teachers can’t really get mad at him so they just kind of shush him in between lessons

they have him come in during lunch to help them clean lab supplies as a lesson

which he does without complaining BECAUSE HE’S JUST SO DANG NICE

actually makes conversation with them and basically knows about the personal lives of all the teachers

he’s a golden retriever in human form

basketball team? team captain

fencing team? FOUNDED IT

drama club? auditions for all the spring plays because that’s his sports-free season

chess club? he marched to the principal’s office with the school nerds when the club was threatened by school budget cuts and argued with the principal to keep it open

(“oh you know what mr. wang? you’re right! I think the school CAN spare some funds for the chess club!”)

did I mention he volunteers his time at the local children’s hospital reading to kids on the weekends when he doesn’t have games or matches?

seriously, how does this kid have so much time for all of these activities

he should have “perfect to take home to your parents” tattooed to his forehead

but you stubbornly try to resist his charms because you think he plays too much

he sits behind you in math class and always compliments the back of your head

“did you curl your hair today? it looks really pretty!”

“thanks jackson…”

offers to walk with you to class and carry your textbooks

“your hands look full, let me help you out!”

“it’s okay jackson…”

(he completely ignores this and takes your books to class anyway)

(he’s running to class so you have no time to protest)

it’s not that you hated jackson wang

based off of his personality, it would be a crime to hate him

but falling for jackson wang was pointless

jackson charmed anyone and flirted with everyone

he received love confessions by the week but politely rejected each and every one of them

no one has ever heard of him being in a relationship which came as a shocker to the whole student body

him? THE jackson wang??? sinGLE??????? HOW???????????

at one point, a rumor flew around that he was gay

why else would he reject the prettiest girls in school?

but you knew better

jackson wang was a free spirit

with all his time spent being so involved in everyone else’s lives, there was no time left to focus on the feelings in his

jackson was seriously the nicest and coolest and cutest guy on the planet

but he just wasn’t serious

so you tried to brush him off when you felt he was playing too much

because you didn’t have time for games

besides, why would a perfect angel of a man-child like jackson wang ever return your serious feelings?

(if you had serious feelings for him, that is)

you literally burned yourself with the curling iron this morning trying to use it as a microphone

how could jackson ever fall for you?

so yeah

falling for jackson wang was FUTILE

anyways,

one day jackson tried to pass you a note during class but you just shot him dirty glances before turning back to the board

“jackson, I’m trying to concentrate.”

“ah sorry, I’ll just ask after class! hehe”

but your teacher had other plans after class

the two of you were asked to stay back (but rest assured, you both weren’t in trouble)

so it turns out there was a downside to jackson’s super-involvement in extracurriculars

his grades had been slipping in math ever since fencing season started

(“I’m sorry sir, we’ve been having tournaments back to back!”)

if he wanted to keep competing, he was going to have to get his grades up

with the help of a tutor

someone who…idk…has the highest grade in class but needed some extra credit to bump it up two grade points to a 100 ???????

what could you say? the universities you were applying to were really competitive

so you begrudgingly agreed to tutor jackson wang until he got his grades up

he would follow you home after school and you’d work with him for an hour

he insisted on going to your house since the days were getting shorter and he didn’t want you to have to walk home alone in the dark all because you had to help him

damn him and his kind heart

through these after school tutor sessions, he got to know your family

as expected, they LOVED HIM

whenever your parents would come home from work, he would stop what ever problem he was doing to talk to them

“hello aunty and uncle, how was work?”

“did you confront your co-worker who was giving you a hard time today?”

“I hear you might be getting a promotion soon. good luck!”

when your younger siblings were around, he’d take a “study break” to play with them

you would have to snap jackson back into focus

“c’mon jackson, you still need to finish this problem set.”

“sorry, we’re almost done solving this puzzle!”

your tutoring sessions would end with the two of you just talking 

mostly just jackson asking you questions about yourself and you answering

“what do you like doing on the weekends?”

“idk watch movies? listen to music? I’m pretty boring”

“what kind of movies do you like watching? we should have a movie night one day!”

as much as you were trying to avoid falling for jackson wang, you weren’t about to kick him out of your house

you weren’t rude

and it’s not like you had anything else to do

(you had gotten all your homework done while he was getting friendly with your family)

plus you weren’t this used to having someone be interested in you

inquisitive about you, that is, ahem

even though this was probably just a friendly thing jackson wang does with everyone, you appreciated someone wanting to get to know you just because

so you let him hang around and ask you more questions

soon, the questions were getting to be a bit much to and you were getting annoyed

“jackson you keep asking me questions about me, can you start telling me about yourself?”

jackson was the guy everyone thought they knew through his actions but what people knew about the real him was all just heresay

maybe it was because you were trying to avoid getting too close to him or maybe part of the jackson wang charm was putting the other person in the center of his conversations with them, but after all of his questions, you realized you knew next to nothing about his personal life even though you’d been tutoring him for two weeks

jackson laughed at your sudden outburst

“me? what do you want to know about me?”

it then occurred to you that he also wasn’t used to people asking about him either 

(what a kind, selfless person, ugh I hate him)

“anything! what’s your family like? why are you so involved in school? what are you doing after graduation?”

you learned that he grew up in a family of athletes so he’d been in sports for as long as he could he remember

his older brother would pull pranks on him growing up, like telling him their parents found him in the dumpster as a baby and took him home to raise him

but now he really looks up to his older brother and always asks him for advice even though he may be busy

you learned that as a child, he would have a difficult time paying attention and keeping still, so his mom put him in a bunch of activities to keep him occupied

and this probably carried on to high school

but besides how it was affecting his grades, he loved and gave his all in every activity he was involved in 

his dad taught him to be kind to others and to give tenfold to those who had nothing to give back to you

which is why he spent his extra time volunteering 

plus he enjoyed getting to know the stories of the people he was helping, there was always something to learn in each of them

as for after graduation?

you learned he wasn’t completely sure yet

he didn’t want to say too much because there were just a lot of options up in the air, something about possibly moving to korea because of an opportunity there, but he couldn’t say it out loud so as to not jinx it

so yeah, you learned a lot about him in a span of two hours (and this is just after tutoring, my goodness)

what else did you learn?

you learned you had made a mistake in asking him about his personal life because oh god now this was getting all too real and you found your heart aching at the way he would look down and smile, seeming uncharacteristically shy when talking about something he didn’t tell a lot of people or when his cheeks met his eyes when recalling a funny childhood memory or when his hands moved animatedly while describing a fencing move or the way his laugh was the most boyish most genuine laugh you’d ever heard and you’d want to spend the rest of your life listening to it—

it was happening

no, it happened

you had fallen for THE jackson wang’s charms and he wasn’t even trying

this realization must have translated to worry on your face because jackson stopped himself in the middle of a story about how he got into the chess club to ask you if you were okay

“wha-yeah, I’m fine why wouldn’t I be?”

jackson grabbed your hands and gave them a gentle squeeze before rubbing his thumbs against them soothingly

“you must be worried about college apps”

“what?”

“you mentioned before that some of your deadlines were coming up and you were stressing out about them and I noticed sometimes in math you’re not paying attention to the lesson so you can work on them”

if you weren’t so flustered from him holding your hands, you would have burst out laughing from his conclusion 

“right, college apps”

and as if you couldn’t be any more flustered, you soon found your face grow even hotter when jackson reached out with one of his hands to tuck the stray hairs framing your face behind your ears soothingly

his other hand still held yours and he gave it another squeeze before giving you a sweet, reassuring smile

“you are one of the smartest, most hardworking girls I know. you study until the wee hours of the morning not just to get a good grade, but to get the best grade because you won’t settle for anything less. you’re someone who knows what she wants and won’t let obstacles get in her way. you support your classmates when they need help with an assignment or want your input on something and you never put them down or make them feel any less than when they don’t get something right. and hey, you’re helping me get my grades up! if anyone deserves to get into the college of their dreams, it’s you!”

boy had the AUDACITY to boop your nose with his index finger with that last point

and you were frozen

how were you supposed to respond to getting jackson wang’d by jackson wang?

that is until—

“can you stop that?”

jackson, who had been busy stroking your hair as he spoke, was now the one who was frozen

“what do you mean?”

you shifted farther from him on the couch you two shared. you really hadn’t meant for things to end up like this when you started tutoring him.

“I mean, could you stop being so nice to me?”

you must have looked so crazy to him (who doesn’t like it when people are nice to them???) but you kept going

“you keep asking questions about me and you compliment me every day and you notice things about me--heck you’re the only one who notices whenever I curl my hair—”

“how could I not notice you?”

you were sure that with the way your mouth was moving but not forming words, you were giving your best fish impression

“li-like this! you’re just being so nice to me a-and you just need to stop doing that...before I get the wrong idea...”

and the way jackson looked at you after you said this completely melted your heart because he just looked soooo genuinely hurt and concerned for you, with his eyebrows furrowed with worry and his lips pursed as if trying to find the right words to say next

“and what do you mean by...‘wrong idea?’”

and you just stared at him, silently begging him to not let you continue what you were about to say, but he was silently encouraging you to continue

“that you might like me back...then I feel stupid because why would you...why would someone like you--I’m sorry I can’t do this--”

you feel your voice getting caught in your throat and you’re about to make a run for it to your bedroom upstairs when you feel a hand tugging you back to the couch and all of a sudden you’re colliding into jackson’s chest

(it was a good thing your family was out running errands!)

“now can you stop doing that”

you barely register what jackson is saying as you feel the vibrations of his chest as he speaks, his arms holding you in place between his legs so you couldn’t get away again

you’re sitting between jackson wang’s freaking legs!

he takes hold of your arms and repositions you so that you’re forced to look at him

“yeah I’m gonna need you to stop doing that thing everyone else does where they talk about me like I’m all high and mighty, because no one tries to get to know me and it makes me feel isolated from everyone else”

“I’m sorry jackson I didn’t know—”

“and stop talking about yourself like that. I like you because you’re you. you’re smart. you’re polite. whenever I talked to you in school, you never flat out told me to go away even if it seemed like you didn’t want to talk. based on your amazing family, I sense that you’re amazing. you’re working so hard in helping me to raise my math grade. and I really appreciate you trying to get to know me. the real me.”

“wait...so you really like me?”

if you didn’t look so cute in his arms, jackson would have rolled his eyes so hard and smacked you

“of course I do! why else do you think I compliment you every time you curl your hair? or why would I offer to carry your books to class even though I know you’re highly capable?”

“I don’t know...I guess all those times I thought you were just playing around and—”

“how’s this for playing around?”

you didn’t have time to ask what he meant then as you felt his hands gently cup your face and he closed the distance between your lips within seconds

if he wasn’t holding you steady, you swear you would have melted on that couch

the kiss was slow and warm, his lips passionately working against yours, as if silently reassuring you he meant every word he’d said

every little peck telling you how much he cared

and when you finally pulled away from the lack of oxygen, you were sure there was no other place where you were meant to be in that moment

jackson placed his thumb under your chin and moved your head so you were looking at him

“it’s always been you.”

so you two continue on like that for the next couple of weeks

studying, making out, more studying, reward cuddles for studying

and before you know it, jackson’s grades are way above what your teacher needed in order for him to keep competing

but that doesn’t stop him from continuing to study with you

because although he had a tendency to get seriously distracted

he was always serious about you

——

[boy-banders-writings]

Meant To Be

Group: SF9 Member: Taeyangie! Genre: Fluffy-angst because that’s all I’m good for. Soulmate!AU, non-idol!Taeyang, and some mess; collegeAU because I’m trash Request: Yes! Hello~ I saw that your requests are open! Could you do your take on a SF9 Taeyang scenario? Maybe something involving the soulmate trope of being able to see what is written on your soulmates skin on your own :) //I fell in love with your recent Taeyang scenario and just had to see more >< Length: short|medium|long-ish|idk man A/N: This has been a WIP for a while & I hope whenever it is finally posted you enjoy it, thank you for requesting. I really hope everyone understands it takes so long because I’m a college senior who has none of my shit together ever! *nervous laughter*

At the age of fifteen, all of you kids were told about the soulmate system if you guys didn’t know about it already. They had an Elder come in and explain it to the room full of rowdy kids what the system is, how it works, how each of them will find their soulmates one day.

It didn’t really interest you at first, in fact you thought the system was rather dumb. You didn’t get to choose who you loved, you were assigned someone who was “perfect” for you. Whatever that meant. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to find the person you’d end up spending your whole life with because you wanted too so badly. Your parents had showed you early on in your life just how wonderful the system could be. They were the perfect example as to why you secretly could not wait for your turn. They were happy together, they were a support system for the other. They were the poster couple of a happy and healthy marriage.

However there were always downsides, your soulmate was assigned to you and it was a societal standard to marry when a couple found each other. It was taboo to marry someone that was not your soulmate, yet there were plenty of stories. One person had fallen in love with another, they would have created a life plan even if they knew in the back of their minds it could fall apart. Then a soulmate would show up or happen upon the couple. If both chose to stay together then the soulmate was left to be alone. That was something that scared you, meeting the love of your life only to have them want nothing to do with you. Those horror stories stayed with you from the first time you heard them, always at the back of your mind.

Of course as teenagers no one took the system seriously. Everyone had a few serious relationships here and there, dating was mostly casual since parents were strict about the soulmate system. It drove everyone your age mad and  it wasn’t a huge deal until you turned 20 anyway. None of you teenagers could understand the need to be so proper about things when you wouldn’t even be able to start looking until then.

Because for whatever reason on your twentieth birthday you were able to see any mark on your body that your soul mate made on theirs. You essentially became white boards for the other. There were countless stories of soulmates sending messages via this system, leaving addresses on arms or names on hands, even numbers on hidden body parts.

The day you turned 20, you awoke with a scribble on the back of your left hand. It seemed to be a girl’s name and number. The audacious feeling that boiled in your stomach had sat with you all day. 

“Good morning birthday girl!!” Inseong busted into your room, a small wrapped present and a cupcake with a single candle.

“You’re especially annoying in the morning Inseong.” You groaned as your brother started to loudly sing to you, the pillow you put over your head not doing a damn thing.

“C’mon! You can finally see what your soulmate is up too!” Inseong was a hopeless romantic who ate the soulmate idea up, “You can find him! Her! Them!” You peaked up at him from under your pillow. “You know I don’t discriminate. Especially since I thought the guy down the street was mine.”

“I know Inseong.” You chuckled, remembering how quickly Inseong had accepted it himself when he saw a similar writing on the wrist of a guy in the neighboring apartment complex as his. “You were ready to propose to him the next week.”

“If it were meant to be, I feel I would have been very happy. He was a nice guy, but his soulmate is much sweeter than him. And that guy can cook!” Inseong set the cupcake on your bedside table and sat beside you.

“You still meet up with them?”

“Of course, almost confessing to a complete stranger lead me to Sammie.”

“That’s right.” You thought back to Inseong’s current girlfriend, who was more of a really good platonic friend where they both act like a couple because they haven’t found their soulmates yet. “How is she? She hasn’t been over lately.

“Her last message to me yesterday said that her workload was recently tripled because two coworkers quit in the same day and she’s currently dying.”

He moved you around and pulled you into a sitting position and started examining your arms.

“What are you doing?”

“Checking for signs of--AH HA!” He pulled the back of your hand closer to his face. “They’re a player? I’ll have to fix that.”

“Okay, keep the protective older brother in check please.” You tried to laugh it off.

“If your soulmate is a shitty person I’m beating the shittiness out of them. Now old still.” Inseong pulled a black marker from his back pocket and scribbled over half the numbers, in no particular order to render the number useless. Then he drew a weird looking animal out of the name.

“Why does it have to look so phallic Inseong?” You groaned, looking at the new mess on the back of your hand. “I have class in a few hours.”

“They’re already being a dick, so it’s fitting.” Inseong ruffled your already messy hair. “Just scrub it off in the shower, if it still looks like a dick afterwards I’ll draw something less, dick-ish.”

“I swear.” You grumbled. 

But you made a wish, blew out your candle, thanked your brother, and bounced off to the shower. After you had gotten yourself ready and managed to get most of the phallic picture scrubbed from your hand, you flew down the stairs to find Inseong in the kitchen.

“Eat before you go.”

He had prepared a simple breakfast for the two of you to eat together. After you made sure all you would need for class was on the counter by the door, you helped Inseong set the table and happily started eating.

“You think you’ll find them quickly?” Inseong was moving his food around, not really eating.

“I -- I don’t know.”

The atmosphere had taken a more solemn turn suddenly. You stole a glance at your brother to see him staring blankly into his bowl.

“It doesn’t really bother me if I do or not.” You shrugged. “I have a lot on my plate right now, and I have you.” You paused to grab his hand. “We have each other and frankly that’s all I need right now. But if fate were to bring whoever it is to me, then so be it.”

“I hope it would end up Rowoon ya know.” Inseong joked. “Zuho even, if it were someone we both already knew it’d be so much easier.”

“You and I both know I’d end up killing Zuho, he’s my polar opposite.”

“Opposites attract!” Inseong rolled his eyes.

“No, if you hadn’t drop Social Psych you’d know that’s not true.”

“Technicalities.” He waved it off. “What about Rowoon then?”

“He’s my best friend Seong, of course I love him but I don’t think I do in that way. If he ended up my soulmate I wouldn’t be upset it’d just be weird.”

“That’s understandable.” Inseong smiled at you, ate a few spoonfuls of food before putting his stuff in the sink and grabbing his things. “I took an early shift today so we can go out for your birthday. So don’t make too many plans after class and invites your friends, it’s on me tonight.”

“Alright, don’t work too hard, I’ll see you later Seong.” He waved as he slipped on his shoes and left the apartment.

Ten minutes later you were mirroring his actions and heading to the bus stop to meet Rowoon. He was half asleep as you tugged him onto the bus after you and found a pair of open seats. He mumbled a quiet happy birthday before nodding off, head on your shoulder. Knowing he was probably up late either working on assignments for his classes or playing games well into the morning with Zuho, the latter being more plausible. You wake him up at the stop outside the university and the two of you trudge to the cafe on campus.

“My usual please.” Rowoon told the older cafe worker behind the counter we knew as Jaeyoon. “And her usual, it’s on me today.”

“Ah! Morning kids!” Jaeyoon’s smile blinded you so early in the morning. “I’ll get them, just a moment.”

Jaeyoon jumped into relaxed action, doodling your names on two cups and going to work. Rowoon waited by the counter making lazy conversation with Jaeyoon as you stepped towards the display. There wasn’t a lot of baked goods out yet since the cafe had been open maybe an hour. You had been mindlessly wondering around the familiar cafe for only a few minutes when Rowoon called you over.

“C’mon (Y/N), our classes start in twenty.” You looked down at your watch an noticed it was in fact 7:40, your 8:00am class was on it’s way.

“Thank you Jaeyoon.” You smiled at him as he finished your drink on the bar just out of your sight. “Why are there sprinkles on it?” You tilted your head a bit to the side.

“Happy Birthday!” He grinned bright, presenting you a colorfully topped drink. “Rowoon made the request so blame him if it tastes funny.”

“Thanks Jae.” Rowoon rolled his eyes. “You could have just acted like you knew.”

“I knew it was coming up but with the extra hours I’ve been working the actual dates have slipped my mind the last few weeks.” He shrugged. “And the last time I tried to flare up her usual she didn’t talk to me for a few days, our (Y/N) is very particular.”

“It was a day, mainly because I was busy but believe what you want.” You  stuck your tongue out at him. “Inseong is taking me out to eat tonight and said I could invite some friends, when do you get off?”

“I’ll be done about 4 today, since I opened.”

“We’ll both be out of classes by then, we’ll meet here and you can walk back with us.” 

“Sure, that’d be a lot of fun, thanks kid.” He ruffled your hair.

“I’m in a decent mood so I’ll ignore that.”

“Okay you two, we have class remember. See you later Jae.” Rowoon tugged you away as the two of you were playfully glaring at the other smirks adorned on your faces.

As you bid your see you laters, you took your normal seat in class. Your creative writing class had an interesting array of students, from wide-eyed freshmen to stressed seniors hoping for an easier class amongst their major based classes. You pulled out you notebook and pencil, loaded up the slides on your ipad mini and took a few sips of your drink as the rest of the class filtered in.

The room was chilly like usual and you were thankful for grabbing a thin hoodie on the way out. You had tucked your hands into the pocket of your hoodie as you heard the usual classmates enter and take up the row behind you in the amphitheater-esk classroom. Without meaning to, in the rather quiet classroom you listen to the conversation going on behind you.

“Hwiyoung, did you finish the short story for class today?” A voice you’ve heard all semester sounded tired.

“I finished it yesterday after class, is that look saying you didn’t?” The studious younger guy behind you chuckled.

“Dawon wanted someone to go drinking with him and obviously you can’t go, and he guilted me into it.” A soft voice groaned from directly behind you. “I only got about half of it finished.”

“It needs to be turned in before the end of class, if you want to finish it I’ll take notes for you.”

“The notes are online but I’d appreciate that.” You heard him get settled and start up his laptop before you heard their loud friend, the one named Dawon enter the room.

“Taeyang, Hwiyoung, I’m gonna need notes from one of you, I need to sleep.” You rolled your eyes at that, this Dawon guy never took notes in class. Granted, the class was an elective for most and a seemingly decently easy class.

“Did you at least finish the short story?” The tone from Hwiyoung was doubtful, and his question was followed by a crunching sound.

“Of course, 750-word story? I finished that before I went out last night.” Out of the corner of your eye you say Dawon shoot them finger guns before he folded his arms on the table in front of him and thumped his head down.

“Incredible.” The disbelief in Taeyang’s voice made you smile to yourself.

The trio made class pretty entertaining with Hwiyoung always up to participate in discussion, and on the days Dawon is awake for the lecture he’s always making the 8:00am lecture more lively and enjoyable.

A few quiet moments later, aside from the quiet snoring from Dawon, the creative writing professor walked in at the bottom of the room and set up for class. You resigned yourself to doodling on the open notebook page when you felt a weird tickle on your left forearm. Like someone was writing on your arm.

After a moment and a quick glance to see if anyone was looking, you slid your hoodie sleeve up just enough to see in plain and quite pretty print a simple statement.

You can see me now

A chill ran down your spine. You soul mate was reaching out to you. The tickle came again as you watched the words appear on your arm.

Happy Birthday soulmate

In your neatest print you use the black pen to the right of your notebook to reply just under the last message.

I can uh thanks

You watch as a small daisy is sketched onto your arm and a blush rises onto your cheeks and you start to feel too hot in your thin hoodie.

I’ve waited for you for quite a while

Oh? How long?

Turned 21 in February

Just a bit older then

Only a year

You looked up every few moments to copy notes, the tickle on your arm making it hard to focus on the lecture but the thrill of actually talking to your soulmate sent your heart into an erratic beating pattern.

What are you doing?

Lecture, unsuccessfully taking notes

Am I bothering you?

No, the lecture is boring. What about you?

Trying to finish an assignment, also unsuccessfully

Already pretty similar aren’t we

You added a smiley face as an after thought because if this were a text conversation you’d have sent the laughing emoji. The conversation, if you can call it that, pauses as the lecture drones on. By the end of the class you realize how covered your arm is in this person’s pretty handwriting and yours.

In a haste to get to Rowoon to tell him you quickly pack your things as the professor dismisses the class, reminding the class about the short story due in ten minutes. You hear a grunt as Dawon wakes up and stretches and a successful sigh directly behind you. You don’t realize your sleeve is still up until you stand and see Dawon staring at your arm. In a sudden flush of embarrassment, you yank your sleeve down and shove your stuff into your backpack. Just as you stand straight up and turn to leave you come almost face to face with Taeyang behind you, who was leaning forward to get the rest of his things from the edge of the table just behind you.

As your eyes meet, for the first time being this close you can see how pretty and clear his eyes are. You’re so close to each other in this moment you could count his eye lashes. Dawon sees this but stays silent. Hwiyoung is who breaks up the moment by asking them if they wanted to grab something to eat at the campus cafe before their next class.

Embarrassed you run off, leaving the three guys standing there, Taeyang’s two friends trying to figure out what they missed.

You bolt towards Rowoon’s classroom to see him waiting and the two of you head off towards the Social Psychology class the two of you have together. As you walk across campus you fill Rowoon on what happened and show him the writing all over your forearm.

“Look at that? Barely old enough for this soulmate business to have taken affect and you’ve found them.” Rowoon smiled as he ruffled your hair much to your dismay.

“You know I don’t give the soulmate idea much pull in my life.”

“I know, but wouldn’t it be nice? To find the one meant for you.”

“I guess, but I don’t even know who they are. Inseong asked me something similar this morning.” You shrugged, as the two of you entered your classroom and found your seats.

The conversation dropping as class started soon after you got situated. Class flew by because you loved Social Psych, lunch went by quickly as well. Then your last class each, yours being a 3-hour lecture, went by surprisingly quickly and before you knew it you were back at the cafe to pick up Jaeyoon.

“Drinks are on me!” Jaeyoon giggled, raising his hand to catch the server’s attention. “I made bank on tips today.”

He quickly asked for a few bottles of soju, even though he knew that you wouldn’t drink nearly as much as the three guys around you. Meat was cooking and conversation was flowing. The stress from the day melting away from the group gathered around you.

“I know as kids we’re warned about eating dessert before dinner, but I brought this from the cafe for you.” Jaeyoon’s grin went to each ear as he pulled a small box from his bag and set it on the table before you. “It’s only right that we have cake in honor of the twentieth anniversary of your birth.”

“Why did you say it like that?” You giggled, covering your face with one hand as you opened the box with the other. “That you Jae.” You thanked him sincerely, eyeballing the cake before you. “It’s big enough for all of us to have some too!”

“I didn’t know what else to get you to be truthful, Seong here was suppose to go with me to help pick something out but this asshole doesn’t make time for me anymore.”

“Sounds like a lover’s quarrel.” Rowoon muttered, hiding the remark in his glass of beer.

“Sorry I’m late!” Zuho waves as he drops down in the open seat between Jaeyoon and Rowoon, giving you the biggest smile he can muster. “Happy Birthday (Y/N)!” And he slides you a gift, as he notices the situation.

You heard Rowoon’s remark and choked on the sip from your own glass of beer. The coughing fit draws the attention of the tables directly beside you and Inseong quickly apologizes as Rowoon pats your back holding back his giggles.

As you look up you see at the table directly ahead of you, your three 8:00am classmates staring right at you with two people you don’t recognize. For a moment, everything freezes before Rowoon smacks your back rather roughly and you shoot daggers at him.

“That hurts!” You whined, bending out of the swing of another pat when that tickle hit your arm again. “You shouldn’t be mean to the birthday girl.”

“Okay, quit playing the meat is done cooking, let’s eat.” Inseong pulls all the attention to him as he’s cutting the meat into a pile on a plate in the middle and putting more onto the grill. And the eating begins, the conversation dies down to occasional comments, like Zuho informing all of you that his dance classes he is teaching are going well.

The table straight across from you and your friends and brother keeps looking over after hearing your coughing fit earlier. You don’t notice because of the four guys around you keeping your attention on them.

“She’s in our class.” Dawon addresses quietly, metal chopsticks resting in the corner of his mouth, waiting as Hwiyoung and Chani finish cooking the meat.

“(Y/N)? Right?” Hwiyoung asks, looking between Dawon and Taeyang.

“Yea, that’s (Y/N).” Taeyang agrees quietly, focusing on the drink in hand.

“What class?”

“Creative writing Hyung.” Dawon looked from the table you were at to his friends around him. “The class Taeyang is always staring into nothingness during.”

“Nothingness?” Hwiyoung perks up, “He’s always staring at her!” He very obviously points at your table.

“Don’t do that!” Taeyang jumps and jerks Hwiyoung’s arm down.

“Oooooh! Is she really pretty hyung?” Chani teases, his back being towards your table and not having seen you.

“She’s the quiet type in class, very cute and studious. She’d put our Tae to shame with her grades.” Dawon teases Taeyang by pulling on his ear.

“All his stories are about her.” Hwiyoung adds, ducking when Taeyang goes to smack the back of his head.

“Ah, this is the girl you’ve told me about.” Youngbin rests his chin on his hand, watching Taeyang blush.

“Can we not talk about this here?” His friends watched in deluded joy as Taeyang’s face was pink.

“It’s her birthday.” Dawon’s tone is casual. “If you haven’t talked to her before, why not now?”

“We’ve have a few times before, mostly in classes we’ve had together.” Taeyang tries to play it off. “I wouldn’t even know what to say to her right now.”

“How about ‘happy birthday’?” Chani laughed at Taeyang’s discomfort.

“Here.” Dawon pulls the bag from his side and hands it to Taeyang. “Figured since you like her so much you can give her this for her birthday.”

Taeyang, under the watch of his friends around the table, very slowly peaks into the bag to see a small plastic box with a red velvet cupcake and a small bouquet of daisies and some other tiny yellow flower.

“Her favorite flavor of cake is red velvet and she likes daises.” Dawon chirped, feigning boredom.

“How do you know that?” Chani asked completely and blatantly shocked.

“We have a mutual friend. (Y/N) and I.” He shrugged, a glint in his eye. “Besides, something tells me that Taeyang here and (Y/N) would make a good couple.”

“The only problem here is she is surrounded by three friends and her brother, and they all look intimidating meaning Tae will never make it over there.” Hwiyoung pointed a chopstick at his older friend.

“10 bucks he does.” Chani stuck his hand out towards Hwiyoung.

“Really? Alright, 10 bucks he won’t.” They shook on it.

“I can help.” Youngbin stood, “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

The remaining guys at the table watched in shock as Youngbin walked over to the table you were at and sat down between your brother and a friend.

“Inseong?” Youngbin smacked your brother on the bak lightly. “I don’t think I’ve seen you since we graduated college!”

“Youngbin! Wow! What are you doing here?” Inseong spun around and gave the new face a quick hug.

“This is where some of my juniors frequent and they invited me here tonight, what about you?” Youngbin turned to face everyone at the table. “Hello, I’m an old classmate of Inseong here, I’m Kim Youngbin.”

“I’m Kim (Y/N), Inseong’s younger sister.” You bowed your head, greeting your brother’s friend.

The rest of the guys introduced themselves as Inseong sat there beaming.

“We’re here to celebrate (Y/N)’s birthday!”

You noticed the way Youngbin stared at your arm for a second, the arm that was still covered in the conversation with your soulmate throughout the day. He caught sight of a familiar hand writing before smiling to himself and focusing on your face.

“Happy Birthday (Y/N), my juniors were just saying that you looked familiar. Do you have class with any of them?” He motioned towards his table and everyone looked in time to see the four very obviously pretend they weren’t trying to listen in.

“I have a class with Dawon, Hwiyoung, and” You paused, locking eyes with Taeyang, “Taeyang. We have a lecture together.”

“So you do know them,” Youngbin’s grin seemed mischievous, “One of them heard it was your birthday and got you something but he’s too nervous to come give it to you himself. I know it’s your birthday and all but if you go over there he’ll give it to you.” Youngbin nodded behind you and as you looked up, Dawon left for the bathroom.

In the next moment Hwiyoung grabbed Chani by the sleeve and dragged him away, a wrap hanging out of Chani’s mouth. You once again locked eyes with Taeyang and you felt your entire body heat up.

“Oh, Inseong she’s blushing.” Youngbin loudly whispered to your brother.

“Go on.” Inseong encouraged, ignoring Youngbin. “We’ll wait for you to get back.”

“Alright, I’ll be back shortly.” With a deep breath and an encouraging look from each of the guys, you stood and moved towards Taeyang.

He quickly started scribbling a message in the card he found at the bottom of the bag. A quick happy birthday and well wishes. When he looked back up his hand froze because you were right in front of him.

“May I sit?” You gestured to the seat beside him Youngbin had previously been in.

“Go ahead.” Taeyang’s voice was quiet, just like in class. “I -- uh, here. Uhm... Happy Birthday?” He offered weakly, his cheeks and ears pink.

You looked down to see a cute card in one hand with a cupcake box resting on top of the card and a bouquet of daisies in the other hand. Shock was evident on your face at the thoughtful gifts, you hadn’t talked to Taeyang as much as you would have liked so you had no idea how he knew you liked these two things so much unless he made a lucky guess.

“Dawon helped pick them out. He uhh - he said that you liked daisies the most. I can’t take credit for the gifts. But please accept them.”

You gingerly took them from Taeyang, trying to control your own blush when you practically held hands as you took the gifts from him. You smelled the flowers first, daisies smelled so fresh and pleasant. They were simple and beautiful too. You looked into the cupcake box to find quite a large single red velvet cupcake with a little edible heart on the side. Then the note that fell onto the table caught your attention. You set the box down and cradled the flowers as you opened the card. His little message and the encouragement at the end made your heart swell a little, even if it wasn’t completely his idea it was still really sweet. 

“Thank you Taeyang, this was really sweet. Thank Dawon for me too. I appreciate the flowers and the cupcake so much.” He watched with a smile as you put the card into your pocket. “I must return to my brother and friends though, they get rowdy with my watchful eyes.”

“Of course.” Taeyang stood with you. “It was no problem, (Y/N). Uhm, happy birthday again.” He watched dumbfounded as you sent him such a pretty smile.

“I’ll see you in creative writing later?”

“Yea, of course.”

And then you were walking back to your table and Taeyang’s heart was beating so fast he felt it was going to give out. Youngbin apologized for interrupting and promised to call Inseong later that week and rejoined Taeyang at their table. Slowly the rest of the table returned, Chani was ten dollars richer, Hwiyoung was ten poorer, and Dawon seemed to be waiting for something to happen. Before anyone could ask him about it, especially Taeyang, they heard you gasp.

You stood back up and walked straight to Taeyang, a small card in one hand you hadn’t seen before. You immediately grabbed the sleeve of his jacket of his left arm and pulled it up to reveal all the writing that was a copy of the writing on your arm. You just stared for a moment, Taeyang started to panic because you weren’t saying anything.

You wordlessly pulled the sleeve of your hoodie up to show him your arm, a perfect match to his.

“How?”

“This.” You handed him the note you found hidden in the bouquet.

All it said was “Check his handwriting again” which definitely would have been weird, but when he looked between your arms he understood what it meant instantly.

“Dawon?” Taeyang spun on his heels, without force enough for you to let go of him. “How did you know?”

“I saw her arm this morning in class. I recognized that handwriting immediately. It felt too good to be true and I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity. Especially since you woke up me freaking out about the picture you woke up to on your hand.” Taeyang flushed again.

“Oh my god.” You covered your face, Taeyang had seen the dick drawn on his hand this morning. He must have thought you did that. “Inseong drew the dick this morning.” You admitted sheepishly, only to find yourself wrapped in a hug.

“I’ve waited quite a while for you.” Taeyang murmured to you. “Who would have thought that my soulmate would end up being the only person I’ve crushed on since high school.”

You moved to check your ears, had Taeyang just confessed to liking you? Liking you for an extended period of time? After a moment, you hugged him back, just burying your face into his chest and holding him tight.

“I don’t really believe in this soulmate stuff and I’ve heard you talk about how you don’t either but if you’d give me a chance, I’d like to try believing.” Taeyang asked quietly, trying to look you in the eye, but the focus flitted around a lot. “I mean, if you’re meant to be, we could alteast give it a chance right?” 

“I’d really like that actually.” You could only smile, things worked out surprisingly well, like it didn’t feel real.

The cat calls and hollers followed from the mixed of the groups you two had been eating with. Inseong and Rowoon were cheering the loudest, almost being overtaken by Dawon who single handedly was screaming.

“I knew you’d find them quickly.” Inseong mused, staring at the two of you with hearts in his eyes. “But looks like we need to take a talk, your name is Taeyang right?”

You chuckled when Taeyang gulped, ultimately agreeing to take things slow since the two of you weren’t too far into your college degrees. Even with the slow burning relationship you were happy, and the fact that this happened so quickly after being about to really see your soulmate, it felt like a 1 in a million chance.

[cancerbiophd]

1) I can has advice pls? I'm in a dillemma. So i work in a biotech startup. It's the best job i've ever had. I love the ppl, i LOVE how super organized and neat data keeping and benches and everything is and things are going super well for business. But i'm not doing much sciensing.. i'm more of a tech (I have a BA in bio). Like, i'm getting more skills, but absolutely not in what i wanna do. And it looks like as we expand, i'll be doing more of the same. I've asked about doing more lab stuff

and the boss was cool with it, so I’m learning & helping with more wet lab stuff for a week which is pretty interesting. I’ve also talked to the boss about getting a masters or a PhD so i can do REAL ™ science instead of what i do now lol. And he’s open to that. But i’m also a huge self-doubting lazy piece of shit lol. So now i’ll go through waves of feeling really excited about possibly learning more and becoming an expert. then i’ll feel like i shouldn’t have said anything bc i can't do that. It’s super hard to focus and what if i sign up for that shit and just NEVER find the energy to … like.. be a good grad student? Do you have any advice for battling this feeling and for not being a lazy piece of shit in general? I’m just so overwhelmed every time i think about how much i’ll have to learn.. and i can barely get through ONE paper as it is. I know exactly what i wanna study. It’s like my life goal. I’ll get super inspired after talking to some PhDs at work. And then i’ll try to concentrate on a science related thing and realize how bad my abilities are. I’m sorry this was a rant. I just wanted some advice. I probably can’t admit to anyone at work that I have mixed feelings about this. (Another thing adding to my dillemma is that i could potentially leave my job to go to a grad school far away… but idk if i should.. i love it here. i like where our research is going. but maybe i should become an expert so i have more negotiating power and don't end up being a lab tech. i could be like one of the PhDs that work with me. I could be an expert. I could be someone who can’t be replaced by a high school student. and i suppose the company will still be there when i graduate… but what if i would actually get better training doing my PhD as a part of my current job?) So. Any tips on how to approach this? Again, sorry for the super long rant. Thanks so much for reading!

eyyyyy first off, you don’t need to apologize for ranting! ranting is good! it’s healthy! and it makes one feel better yeah? so rant all you want! this is good you’re doing good

and if there ever was a “lazy piece of shit” that ever did chug along in grad school, it’s me. i don’t think it ever shows it through my posts here, but i am NOT like a type-A-go-getter person ever. i like taking my time, and slugging through stuff, and sometimes going the easy route is the best route. i love what i do but man, if i could like.. take naps every 4 hours then i totally would…

but what i AM good at is time management. i schedule everything EVERYTHING into my google calendar, so that way, i don’t even have to think about what to do next. i just see it in the calendar and do it. kinda like going to class. “laziness” gone! 

and honestly, ask any grad student if they think they’re a “good” grad student, and they’ll say “i don’t think so…” which is bs right? but we say that because we’re our worst critics; we can’t see what others see, and that’s we all are good students. we gotta stop being our own critics and start being our own cheerleaders. and since your boss is supportive of you going to grad school, then it must be true he sees in you the potential to succeed in that right? 

and tbh, from what you’ve said, you have everything it takes to get a higher degree in science. clear goals? check. passion to learn more? check. passion to THINK? check! these aren’t things someone can just “pick up”! but finding a way to expand your attention span or learning tricks of learning things? those can be easy to work on. 

so from what you’ve said, my advice to you is to go for that masters or PhD. now the difference is a PhD will be way more intense than a Masters of course, but you’ll get to delve into deeper layers of your field, and be the ultimate inventor of something. a Masters teaches you more about the field; a PhD teaches you how to push the field. not exclusively, of course. there are many with a Masters who are just as accomplished as any PhD. 

and, i will also say, that if you do go to grad school, be ready to live, breathe, eat, drink, sweat, bleed grad school. it consumes you; especially a PhD, because you do get into the “habit” of always thinking about your project/field. as an old PI once told me, “a PhD never turns their brain off”. but does that happen to everyone? eventually. maybe not when you’re admitted; maybe not even your first year. but one day! and i know it sounds exhausting, but it’s such a thrill! to be walking down the street and then suddenly have an AHA moment! gosh gosh that’s like one of the best feelings in the world really.. 

if you are hesitant though, you can start with a Masters. It’ll only take about 2 years, and is a really good “stepping stone” to a PhD should you decide to continue. many PhD’s do this, as it gives them a chance to poke around, and if they really do hate it, 2 years isn’t that long of a time. the only downside is there usually isn’t a stipend :\

and idk if your company does this, but some companies may even pay for your higher education. we have a current PhD student in my program who’s also working full time at a biotech company (so he’s also making like infinitely more than a grad student). you can see if your company has something like that? although may be more rare for a start-up.

as i said.. you got the big things that make up a grad student. the little things, like finding a study routine, a memory tactic, an attention-span-keeper… those are workable. passion is what makes a grad student tick, my friend. passion. 

last thing… we need you. science needs you. and with all the stuff happening in the world (esp the US), now more than ever. who’s going to save the world? you are. from what you’ve said, i really do think you have what it takes to expand your horizons and follow your passion. is every grad student perfect? no! we all have our flaws, but that’s ok, because we’re human! so don’t let self-doubt stop you from saving the world. because self-doubt isn’t ever going to stop others from destroying the world, so get out there and kick. some. science. BUTT. 

[elninomuerte-blog2]

to lizette if you ever see this.

hey lizette, you're probs here because megan mentioned this to you or you personally saw it yourself, anywho, it's gonna be a quite long write because i can't sleep, it's 12 in the morning, and i'm feeling kinda emotional, not in a so bad way but i just wanna vent sorta. okay so let me start off with how much i appreciate you. look i know i may not be on the best of terms with you for you not to be telling me what going on, i'm worried about you because you'd usually tell me, but hey look i'm accepting that you're not telling me, and it's not my place to force you to say it, but it sure is something that i wish i knew. but anyways disregarding that, i truly appreciate you. i really do. right now i'm just smiling thinking of what i'm gonna say. but yea i appreciate you because even though you've gave up on me before, you're still my best friend. what i mean is that everything that i put you through (let me be a little emotional lol sorry) and you're still talking to this child. that's a second blessing of a friend that i have. honestly you and megan are the best people i've ever met. you guys are soooo loving, so forgiving. and i could go on and on you know this, but i'd rather save that for some other time or i'll probably state it later on. honestly throughout everything, you've been the person i've been the most happy with, you've gotten to know me like the back of your hand in such little time and that's a blessing in my opinion. like honestly you've gotten to the point (megan too) where you'll notice the slightest thing that i'll change, you'll notice that and ask me what's up with it, or you'll know that i'm upset, sad, and you guys can basically read me like some sort of book with instructions lol, once again bless you guys :,) but yea i love that if i'm all happy one day or one hour and i'm drained the other, you know something happened between that time and you'll always know how to help me fix it. (off topic but i just started tearing up a bit because i thought of how you always wait for me outside of 7th period, it's so nice) but yea you'll always help me out with any problem i've got, and honestly you say that you can't help in certain situations or that you think you didn't, but you help out so well, so don't let yourself think otherwise please :) but yea honestly i've gotten to know you very well, where i notice when you're slightly off, now do i know 100% of what's going through your mind? no i do not. i'd like to know yes, but there's a reason you aren't telling me child and i'll accept that and understand that. but look today (1/4/17) you seemed very off. and it saddens me honestly. one reason is because i asked and i understand i really do and that's fine, but you said that it's none of my business. another reason is you seemed very off in english, i noticed we kinda swapped out over the break, i was all uplifted and all i guess, and you seemed all down, you said you wanted to shoot yourself and non that's not happening because you have so much more to live for, and a smart talented child like you could for sure go places, so please lol. recently i've showed at school today all in a happy mood, especially for about like the hours of sleep i got, if i got any lol, but in my mind i didn't say anything because i didn't wanna be a bother, in my mind i felt like i was missing something, and like megan's case, i'm accepting the fact that social media is going to have its break, and you even left your phone, idk what happened to it, but i probably won't find out for a while sadly, but look i know it's for an improvement, i know you're gonna do outstanding this year, you've said it yourself, and yea it hurts thinking about this, but you said you wanted to leave this school. honestly i know there's many reasons and all but for sure i cannot give my self the benefit of the doubt that i'm one of the reasons why you want to leave. i know this and like i said i'm gonna be respectful upon your choice and gonna support that you want to move. yea i know at first i came off as really negative about it, but at the time i really just thought to myself what would it be without you, and i still think that way now, but at that time i had even more of a reason which i'm sure you hate talking about, but yea i'm with you about moving schools, because i know your little heart desires to go there and be happy. i'm not gonna lie i am sweating in my eyes i think lol, nahhh i don't think, but anyways it makes me happy to know you're happy. and i know you be happy moving to that school. yea i'd like to keep seeing you every day for our junior and senior year, but like i said with megan's, this is all a path that God is giving us, and if you make it child. if you make it, just know that i won't forget about you. i definitely will not. you've been one of the most memorable people i've ever known, and thank you very much for being memorable. bless your big loving heart, anyways i'm still crying lol but i'm moving on from that subject. but yea lizette you know i love you. and depending on when you read this, it could be taken in different ways. what i told you that one specific night, i truly meant it. but i'll have to love you as my best friend, and honestly it's not bad at all, i'm 100% very happy with that, why? because you're still my friend. you're a very rare child, and i'd like to say as much as i did with megan, that you are a blessing as much as megan. you guys are besties for a reason and it's because you two are such good people. you guys are awesome and i truly mean it, i don't tell people everywhere that i love them and that they're awesome and that they're a blessing, nope, i've only told you, and meggy. the two people i love the most. (the child is getting sleepy woot woot -1:23am-) but i have to finish this, and hey look another off topic, i'd write this, but it's honestly take me a while, and i honestly doubt you guys wanna see how horrible my handwriting gets when i start getting lazy or my hand starts hurting, anyways. lizette i truly appreciate all you've done and all you've been through with me. i'm especially grateful for you being so forgiving. i love that about you guys, you guys are the absolute best friends ever, AND I MEAN EVER lol!! i don't mean to get emotional again, so ima state this and move on, but you guys, i don't think i'd be alive if it wasn't for you two. anyways you two are for sure i'm glad God gave me, you two are who i would pray to meet in 8th grade, in 8th grade i'd sit in my room on my bed, (aww fetus me ew lol) id pray every once in a while to God and id say something along the lines of, i hope i'll meet new friends and i hope i'll have the best ones ever, and thank God that it came true. lizette, throwback to freshman year, i don't know why, but you grabbed my phone in mr. griffins class, and you spammed photos, and honestly i looked at them and thought to myself "don't best friends only do that?" and i was right. we weren't besties at the time, but look where that thought got us. every night, i'll thank God over and over for you and megan. and honestly i'm choking back so many tears, but it's because i'm just thinking about how my life has been blessed with you guys, yea there is downsides, but look i don't live in a world where if anything is bad, or goes bad, i won't let that get in my way, ___________________________________________like let's take my cousin for example (ab 2 get emotional) he passed away not too long ago. i was in 8th grade so you'll have around a time when it was. my cousin had passed, and he was my favorite cousin. he was definitely someone who i'd say is another blessing that i had. such a great personality, he was young, had a girlfriend, a loving sister with the same blessed/loving personality, he had a perfect life, he'd visit my house and check on us and be so nice and everything. and to have someone disappear like that, it's hard. it was very unexpected and at first i couldn't believe my ears when i heard that my cousin had passed, yea i cried, and everything, but i didn't let that hold me back long, i thought to myself, he had a strong connection with God, and i'm not gonna lie when i say he did, in very sure he did, he'd attend church every time, he'd help out at his church, very connected with God, bless him, by he didn't let that at in the way of family because he would visit us still, and every time he would, he'd always bring a smile to my face just seeing him, he would treat me as his little brother, and it was nice to have him, but God had his path and that happened, sadly it did.____________________________________ but overall what i'm saying is that i'm not letting things hold me back, i'm a very forgiving child, you know this, and i will always be forgiving especially for you guys, and only for you guys because i love you guys so much, maybe one day i'm hoping not, but maybe i will get upset but i'll come to my senses that you guys are the best that's happened to me and that i can't let whatever get between that, but yea. honestly lizette you're definitely as memorable as megan, you guys have been my favorite friends ever, my best friends, i love you two so much. for sure lizette whatever happens, whether it'd be this or that, i hope that when we get out of high school that we'll keep in touch for sure, i'm praying that it'd be in all ways positive and not know each other for bad reasons. i hope i never lose someone as valuable as you. you've made one heck of an impact on my life lizette, and i hope we can all make more beautiful and memorable moments, thank you so much, and hey you know the same thing with megan, if you ever want to thoroughly ask me something, i'm more than happy to talk with you about it, you know i'm 100% open to you and megan. and bless your guys heart that you two are gonna be the only people i open up to. i have never opened up this much to anyone. and i'm glad i found the right people to open up to, thank you so much lizette, thank you for everything, from forgiveness, to whatever it maybe, thank you so much, i love you and i hope you'll feel better soon, i hate knowing that you're off child :///