#but thats a separate yap session

[twifairy]

A thing that fascinates me about Genshin and Klint as posthumous characters

When we finally find out who they are in 2-3 they are presented as a brutal murderer and innocent victim but, to my memory, almost every single character who talks about Genshin has some sort of virtue to list about him. He is noble, well-spoken, honest, good father, he saved Barok's life once

Klint doesn't seem to have any of that. It's not until you're in the endgame that Barok defends his brother's honor, but none of the things he says really seem to paint him as virtuous. He was extremely fastidious. He was an incredible prosecutor. He would be happy his death led to the Professor's arrest. His sense of justice was strong— some would say too strong.

Barok even admits that he suspected Klint once, but it wasn't until the third murder (the Lord Chief Justice) that he denied the possibility. He believed him capable of the first two, and blackmail wasn't even in the consideration.

The game is really really good at showing the way grief twists your image of a person— you're forced to see Kazuma for who he is even though you missed him dearly and want the closeness of the first two cases again

By all means, I think Klint was a kind, loving, noble person. But in his death he only gets to be seen as an otherworldly, heroic figure— something he never wanted

[tianhai03]

had to do poster making as an exercise and the theme was superheroes, so of course i drew mr. vengeance for it🦇

[metis-iphigenia]

DAMIAN WAYNE SCHOOL HEADCANONS because school opened like 2-3 weeks ago and i need to cope

•since he is 15 years old, he is in 10th grade(not letting dc pull a tim drake and make him the same age forever)

•he used to love chemistry in the 9th grade because the first subject was alchemy if i remember correctly(dc can pry the "al ghuls are alchemists" hc(canon) from my cold dead hands)

but he lost interest in chemistry quickly after the subject passed.

•his all time favourite classes are math and art. im just sure damian's type of person that doesnt separate math and art from eachother

•why art is his favourite is a given but his favourite is math because math is a class based on problem solving(and also because he can do math easily)

but yeah ik his classmates are very very annoyed whenever he says "math is easy"

•I imagine him arguing with his english teacher the most for some reason. there is no reason other than damian is a very educated kid about the english literature(literature in general) so either he doesnt care or he correct his teacher on literally everything.

•i feel like he would either do a very detail research about the book he read and write a very long essay, or make a very short one and not enough detailed. no in between(because he misunderstood his teachers when they said to "keep it short")

•he begged his father to let him take an exam that lets him skil grades based on his level but his father refused so now he takes advanced math etc.

•him and duke see eachother in the morning regularly(insomniac duke, and damian who wakes up at 5.30 is real) and they sit down to talk about random shit till 7 am mostly(duke explained him the fnaf lore and damian talked about creepypastas real)

•he texts with maps both on their way to their separate schools and make plans to meetup after school to just hang out

•damian usually reads or draws in most of the classes since he already knows everything they are teaching but when asked a question, he does yap a lot(dc should bring back yapper damian ngl)

•bathroom breakdowns were very real for 9th grade damian(literally canon event for everyone with social anxiety or people who get overstimulated at school)

•still bullied just doesnt care about it and insults them/messes with them back to get back at the bullies(it stops after him also messing with them)

•he loves playing football and volleyball but not with his teammates(ik hes #3 frat boy hater i just feel it) so he only gets along with 2 of his teammates. i imagine their personality as scott and stiles from teen wolf so yeah

•has one(1) friend and two(2) teammates he doesnt hate in total(girlfailure and girlsuccess damian youre real to me🙌😼)

also he got multiple friends outside of school anyways lmao bro is anything BUT anti-social(to me hes also the type to join his schools projects etc or debate teams)

•he always calls his mother when he makes it to school and whenever hes leaving it because talia worries and he wants ease her worries(ultimate mother daughter duo)

•after school he has a yap session with nika and they talk about everything that happened to them that day(yapper4yapper gravebird my beloved)

•him and stephanie rant about school daily and talk about how much they hate it(but they both wont drop out since steph wants that med school degree and damian also wants it in the future(med student sisterisms real))

•jon may be going to a journalism school(i think??) but hes still a science nerd so their study sessions always turns into an argument about an equation or a science problem

>>> so i think thats it!! please tell me your headcanons too and help me cope with school also because i love reading about hcs(esp thosr about damian) <<<<

[whimsy-goes-insane]

Before I start talking about them, there’s two important things about their actual world:

1. Their world is just like ours… if vampires lived in forests and abandoned houses. They usually occupy forests more because they stay hidden during the day and have more food (blood from animals) around :) It’s a little risky to stay in abandoned houses because hunters usually look for them there

2. Vampires have two defining characteristics: Huge pupils and, of course, their teeth (who could’ve guessed?? /J) - A sign that you’ve been bit by a vampire (idk how you wouldnt notice the bite mark BUT) is your pupil expanding rapidly. It slowly covers the entire eye over time. ————There’s a faint red outline that forms when a vampire is like SUPER hungry. About the teeth, they can slightly retract and extend when they’re about to bite someone. (so if a vampires teeth quickly grows a little longer, that means it’s about to bite AGSHGS)

GOSH THATS A LOT AFAHGSHS 😭😭 NOW THAT I YAPPED ABOUT THAT, I CAN ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT ORBO AND COSMIC

• Ok you already know that Orbos a vamp FAHSGHS, but he was actually BORN one, so he’s a little smarter when hiding that fact. He was gifted a cover for his vamp teeth to make it look like they were normal… It kind of looks like a retainer AHSFHSGS

His glasses are obviously for his eyes. Both things were gifted to him by the Boss :)

- The Boss is ALSO a monster!!! He was the one who got Orbo to join. I think he probably saw Orbo venturing outside of the forest trying to blend in with humans LOL 😭😭 I need to work on their first meeting…

But they’re both corrupt in a way because they’re killing their own people. Orbo often wonders if his family was taken already by one of his own workers

- an important thing to note is that Orbo went into this because he was desperate as well. He HATES being a vampire, not because he thinks it’s inherently bad, but he hates being in fear all the time. (he hated being a vampire when he was younger. He just mildly dislikes being one now)

• NOW ABOUT COSMIC YIPPEE YIPPEE!!! Cosmic got roped into the job by Prismo (who’s another hunter) :)) He actually started out as someone who communicates with the hunters as they walk. They have headsets where they can call someone at their job if they need help on where to go. Cosmic was known for somehow always knowing where a vampire was hiding. Prismo often joked that all of Cosmo was haunted by his ‘premonitions’ of vampire sitings

•• He started to talk with Orbo more once he started studying on how hunters actually work. He would ask his boss questions during parties, meetings, etc… Orbo was actually the one who offered that they start having private meetings (which was basically 2 hour yap sessions in orbo’s office) (NOTHING GAY) (yet)

I need to work on their lovey dovey backstory more… Orbo was definitely the first one to fall in love though, and he felt absolutely terrible for it :( He was in terrible guilt for getting so close to someone who didn’t know about him being a MONSTER yk. He knew that he shouldn’t get with Cosmo, because he would spend every day with him living in fear, just like he did years ago :(

but he did anyways. #slay (JOKING MOSTLY AFAHSGHSHD I JUST NEED TO THINK OF A SCENARIO WHERE HE GETS WITH COSMO BUT NICELY)

immm gonna make a separate post with all my ending ideas because this is already CRAZZZYY long fshhshs 🥲🥲 I AM SO SORRY @idkanna-more

[potpigu]

Dumb stupid personal VENT y'all can just Scroll by, I just need to let this shit off my chest[I lied about deleting it like the - 🙂]

So my school got a dnd club, and After playing as a player I decided to go play as dm cus playing as a dm is fun! and what not since the dnd club as a player was also fun. But holy heck some player of mine got into one extremely petty childish fight with my friend now all thats been happening in my dnd sessions is that specific player keeps interrupting me from being a Dm, with them talking to players that I'm trying to interact with so I could actually continue with the campaign.I literally made google slides to make maps since I suck at describing things but we only got to two slides not because we changed location with one player but because the players were separated into two groups.Like sure we spent the first hour helping a character make a character but the second hour was literally nothing.We got nowhere, closest we got was one player actually going into another room in over 10 minutes due to them distracting said player by talking there phone while I was trying to talk to them about what was happening.Like I KNOW I'm a garbage dm cus I get embarrassed trying to act as npc's, or because I'm utter garbage at describing things, but all that hard work only for like one player to actually pay attention, and it was bias cus that one player is my BEST FRIEND.None of my players actually care.The players literally forgot there cantrips and spells and that One specific player was being more distracting then he was last time, by taking the other players stuff for fun or scaring my best friend for fun even when I was trying to interact with said other players(I hardly interacted with them at all but like bro was legit trying to make things happen his way by trying to toss my best friends character threw a window out of nowhere.(Not as bad as all the times they just used random not an actual dnd spell though) Like I'm not going to lie, I know I just got a new player and all but I'm at my limit, I'm just going to fricking quit and try to become a player for the other dm's since sure I could try to kick them out, but they'd probably either scream at me, become violent (The amount of times they said they'f fight someone-) And Everyone else (other then my best friend due to petty argument) Likes him all the other players like him and for all I know thats just going to result in them getting mad at me.Like I know I should just talk to players and all that but I know that specific player won't hear me out there not that type of person, Dnd is just stressful, why am I even trying to think about handling it in a. amateur manner when I know it's just Fucking hopeless since doing the a=sane thing such as talking to them will Get me NOWHERE.I'm drained and tired of almost all my players not actually caring about the dnd session, It's a waste of time at this point, Planning dnd is a waste of time.Why the fuck did I even try, Nobody cares for the stupid dnd session why am I even still going to them, Fuck this shit.One last season for them and if it goes just as bad or hell worse I'm just going to call it quits, I give the FUCK UP.It wasn't worth it, Stupid STUPID ME.But hey everyone moves one, no one will care, and eventually everybody will forget about everything in general in life so who am I to get worked up over a stupid campaign I thought was a good idea to try and make a good plot for if literally NO-ONE actually cares, like at this point there not there for the stupid trash campaign being run by a pathetic Useless Background Dm. Useless utterly useless to actually put effort into the Damn thing.

Oh wow.That was sure a yap, yap, yappity yap vent :)

Edit:I got saner and all I got to say is I'll give em one last try like I stated earlier but if all hell breaks loose, then Bu bye to being a Dm for the year 👋 Or maybe I'll just try again with a different campaign and different players outside of my schools dnd club while staying there as a player.

[yuspne]

words cannot describe how nostalgic and warm ur art is… love the goroken sibling dynamic though! care 2 share any hcs u have for them ? ^_^

hiiiiiiiii tysm !!!  im rlly glad you asked hehe . taps mic ,. okay so i have like 1 billion of these but unfortunately im hella busy w college atm and dont rlly have time to list em all but here are some i have at the top of my head rn :D

their moms are sisters + shido father ,,, popular hc actually and i freaking love it

idc in my head they grew up together but got separated when mamakechi died and reunite  when both are 18 (p5 tl) (that one swings drawing of mine is based on this)

im a huge goroken + futaba siblingnism truther . liek helllooo they are so real !!! (wakaba and mamakechi yuri and that one bald fuck who Unfortunatelly is their father)

i dont talk about this one much bc it has a lotta gaps and isnt rlly a hc but it works the best for my physical appearance hcs explanation so . sees siblings au . basically p3 tl but add goro there and u get the fuck u brothers . i will probly yap on this once i have time to actually think bout details and stuff ! So . appearances, idk they are twins to me !!! here are two old twt screenshots with some details :3

both of them cant cook they are losers ‼️

cuz they look the samr they love impersonating each other like for example imagine shadow ops hqs . someone calls for goro but instead of goro comes ken and the person who called for him has no idea its not actually goro because ken copies goros speech style and everything ,,, or they could also do this with their unis just for funsies (and only koromaru can tell them apart at first glance when they are in this fuck u brothers mode)

  they have featherman watching sessions where they just randomly decide to rewatch all the seasons + movies once every three months or so (this is goroken + futaba) 

Okay thats all for neow ! i kinda suck at putting my thoughts into words so uh my apologies and thank u for reading :DDD

[macklives]

hey so this is gonna be a long-ish one. ive decided its been far too long since i did a session, and we did so many i can often forget what happened. i started in july and im pretty sure its been more than half a year now since this whole blog happened. and in that time, we’ve gone through 88 sessions and i want to know if i remember the relevant plot points and what we got up to in the last few sessions. a refresh/reminder if you would.

so i hereby commence my own little recap of act 5 because yeah no, its too much to do a recap of everything and i have andrew for that after every few acts. but i wanna refresh my mind on act 5 for now. so here we go.

1. alternia.. fucked up place. but its a place the trolls live on so what are we gonna do about it? overthrow the government? seems about right, lets do that with the next troll that gets introduced and if its not kanaya idk what andrew is doing by not having introduced the best troll yet. why the long wait? it was the second introduced? i honestly expected it to go in order when i first read act 5, because first we had karkat talk to jade which was the first new piece dialogue in the comic besides the main kids, but then we had kanaya with rose, which was followed by tavros, then terezi (iirc). so id assume we were following that order but nope karkat got fully introduced, then this random fucking juggalo called gamzee made its way into the comic. imagine my surprise.

2. theres been terminology throughout act 5, that i do not fucking know and will not remember and probably never will. like tf is a perigee again? i made a doc somewhere ill probably find it.

3. karkat’s introduction... short but very sweet. and by sweet i mean we got to know the depths of the angry edge lord. and by depths i mean karkat got angry at gamzee for typing in a way that he didnt like so he yapped like a chihuahua. nah, but seriously, i do like karkat tho, hes growing on me but only bc hes a bitch baby and his whole personality makes me want to mock him so thats the reason im not that annoyed and think hes funny, and the most harmless troll. even more so than tavros. and thats saying something. 7.5/10 bc im generous.

4. then gamzee... the high juggalo troll who has the worst typing quirk imo, i cannot for the life of me read it. but hes chill, i actually really like gamzee. hes funny and the least problematic as of right now. 8.5/10.

5. terezi’s introduction next i think. she likes playing as a lawyer with her stuffed dragons, ie by roleplay, shes blind, can see through licking, and she likes eating chalk, maybe its even nutritious. shes good. 9/10. 

6. uhh in the process of these intros, there are teams being made? karkat joins gamzee and terezi in, i THINK, the red team?? bc terezi likes red?? could be wrong, i dont remember the teams except that its red/blue to represent sollux’s duality in those colors. terezi then tries recruiting AC but AC is like lol sorry i have to ask this friend of mine who has authority over me for some goddamn reason and terezi goes yuck tf i hate that guy................... yeah thats all we have on the teams. pretty sure sollux had smth to do with karkat about the making of the leaders, and they did the “i hate me” and the “no i hate me more than u hate u” or whatever the fuck that was. they got embarrassed afterwards and deleted their messages. im pretty sure they have no messages because everything ends up being mutually deleted so their logs are actually empty. ngl, kinda enjoyed their convos, made me appreciate their characters. i hope we get more because its good content. i also dont know what order this whole thing is in, who contacted who first? couldnt tell you. ill remember later on. and since im basing this off from memory alone, gotta deal with what i remember. uhhhh so yeah. we havent met all characters yet so the teams have not been officially decided but we got the bases, which is that.

7. god i found it, and the only thing im looking at right now is the terminology list i made and what the fuck?? what the fuck?? you miss a few weeks and suddenly the word nubslurping comes up and you forget what the fuck youre reading.

8. im PRETTY SURE aradia is seen after that whole team fiasco?? or its sollux... maybe. wait. its sollux, right. i just knew someone gets introduced mid way through is all. actually, someone gets introduced after every 20 pages. i have no idea. but ik aradia and sollux go hand in hand.

9. oh shit. OH SHIT! RIGHT! I REMEMBER! so this occurs in the latest session i did, and not the beginning of act 5, but AG and aradia team up, right?? and sollux fucking gets manipulated by them and ??? idk??? they make him find the game, reprogram it and then make him believe its going to end the world (which in hindsight is true, but anyways) so he refuses to play it which was AG’s plan all along so she steps up and becomes leader in his place. but aradia says sollux will still play the game no matter what, but she never went through with the plan for AG but it was apart of a prophecy? that sollux wouldnt be the leader at all? that he’d still play? but it had to go according to plan so it could succeed??? we just dont know why yet. anyways, point being, she still cares for sollux since she did it for him rather than for AG. and thats what i recall. god tf i forgot about that whole drama until writing down “sollux and aradia go hand in hand” which gave me violent flashbacks to the memory.

10. oh and id give aradia 9/10 and sollux 7/10. i do like sollux but if i put him higher than karkat, id get crucified. so im keeping them around the same.

11. man i really like sollux and aradia tho, i may have put him at 7, but i really like their dynamic and i really hope they make up and aradia explains herself about AG. because from one side it looks shitty. and while sollux is rude and never makes up his mind, he apologized to aradia after going off, and that was the only time ive seen him be sincere, so im pretty sure he cares for her to some extent. and i think its somewhat mutual? considering the whole “did it for him” thing. man, i see potential because i actually like both their characters. theyre well written. may not have the best personalities, but i appreciate well written characters and homestuck has the best ones ive seen in a while.

12. oh shit, hell yeah, the more i write, the more im connecting the dots and remembering. however, the more i write, the more i want to just make an analogy post but thats not for now. jesus christ its not all about analogies, mack, this is a recap. but.. how does andrew do it? to not go off track??? hard. telling ya.

13. anyways, didnt we break the fourth wall at some point and have the demon gods or whatever the fuck speak to us in third person for the first time in the comic, after having only gone into second person narrative, right after we were introduced to sollux and his “virus”? the uh, the phrase “the demon was already here” was said, or something along those lines. first line in homestuck to give me the creeps ngl and i appreciate it bc it gives me motivation to know what the fuck its about. its cool bc you have no idea where its going and it sure doesnt have anything to do with the current plot, since the trolls’ session/game doesnt have fucking demons so im curious as to what the fuck that was about. and if i really have to make a theory, i feel it has something to do with aradia’s voices in her head which also connect to the gods rose heard when she started disregarding rules and told dave to look at derse without listening to music bc it was as if he was purposely blocking away their calls. like holy shit, that gave me the shivers. while i do want to know more about wtf happens after act 4, trolls are taking priority right now. just like we did with the intermission. no discussing the kids unless necessary. treat this as its own separate comic. and THEN we can connect.

14. ANYWAYS, tavros’ intro???? that comes afterwards?? with the fiduspawn that made me gag a little on the inside? yep. remember that. fuck that lol. -1/10 but tavros himself is MAYBE a 6/10? i wish we explored his character more in his intro bc right now he just looks like a character made only to be a victim rather than have any depth and i feel thats robbing someone of their full potential. give me more personality andrew, rather than a quivering boy who falls prey to bitches. im expecting more throughout the comic honestly and i hope he gets growth so hes not looked as a “victim” but rather his own character. he is still sweet, and i like him because i want to protect him, but id rather have more info, you know what i mean?

15. oh hell. kanaya had a chainsaw at some point. that made me happy. and didnt she cut off tavros’ legs?? and he got robot ones? and some creepy dude was looking and we called him saggy tits bc hes sagittarius? right? neat. that did happen. pretty sure saggy tits is ACs friend that tells her what to do. the more u know. OH and they all have colored blood similar to their text colors lol. that i remember... so tavros has brown, terezi has blueish green, um. karkat has grey the loser. and apparently it forms a rainbow which is nice. rainbow is good.

16. i dont remember anything else actually

17. wait no i do. AG appeared. shes a petty bully. idk what to say about her. we didnt get that much, except that she hates tavros but is okay with aradia. she also looks like a bottle opener. actually, i think she teamed with aradia to gain leadership rather than to “be friends”. and while that is similar to how karkat did it, meaning the gain, the motivation and how they earned it is entirely different. kinda seeing a trend tho. the leaders of the red/blue teams are both characters who wanted the role, but never had it to begin with. only to win their way into the position. but rather than ask non-stop like karkat did, AG manipulated others so she could be successful. not too sure if she also used aradia for that, or is actually motivated to become friends since they were “past enemies” and she needed a rebound. pretty sure its somewhat both. while AG did mostly use aradia to speak with sollux, what she doesnt know is that aradia is a bad bitch who never even thought about AG and only followed through with the plan bc she had a plan of her own. i guess we’ll look into that later. i lowkey want to know their history.

18. OH AC!!! she appeared for a second as well. love her. shes amazing. 9.5/10. and you may ask yourself, why am i saying “i love this character” but none of them are 10/10?? weellllll its because, and i cant stress this enough, 10/10 belongs to kanaya, i dont make the rules. im waiting for her introduction, shes my favorite and its obvious. sorry.

19. oh huh seems i forgot about the term “lusus”. which.. is.. their parents but not really, its these fucking weird ass creatures that the trolls fought in a cave or something as a child. i dont fucking know. terezi hatched hers and it died? gamzee’s also died but his goat sea dad was never really there to begin with so while it is sad, its more sad that gamzee never saw him? um.. karkat killed his own by exploding his computer bc sollux said dont run the virus and karkat said u cant tell me what to do and did it anyways. so thats on him. but apparently theyre supposed to die, to become prototyped during the game, right? yeah. i remember now.

20. thats.. about it? idk anything else, nothing is coming back to me apart from the shit above. huh.... im surprised how quickly things do come back to you the moment you rant about the plot tho.... handy trick.

cool. neat. fun. this took me too long. but im glad i remember a little bit.

[ukulelecal]

Now That I’m Home

In which Calum is home now and fully intends on making up for lost time.

Warnings: none i don’t think?

Pairing: Calum Hood x Reader

Requested By: @spoodermain

“could I request just like major fluff?? like maybe he’s back and it’s just cute domestic stuff like washing dishes and doing laundry and taking duke out for a walk and cooking dinner and lots of love and uwus?“

A/N: i assume you wanted this as like a pt 2 of Vlogger? bc thats what i did lol 

Requests are OPEN!

*Gif not mine*

Read this first!

Finally, Calum was home.

You nearly knocked him over when he got home, running at full speed to give him a hug. He had laughed it off, smashing his lips against yours and mumbling about how much you missed each other. Later that very night, Calum found out that you did indeed buy the pretty lingerie set from Victoria’s Secret, since you had made a point of wearing it under your clothes the day he got back, but needless to say, it ended up on the floor pretty quickly.

In the remaining time he was on tour after you sent him the first video, you sent him a couple more. One was of you in Target; you spent about two hours there, even though the video wasn’t that long, just messing around and talking about random things. Another was entirely about Duke, taking him for a walk and playing with him in the backyard. Calum actually cried watching that one.

But now he was home, and he didn’t have to watch you do these things through a screen anymore. He could do them with you. He could fuck around in Target with you, play with Duke with you, have Cinnabon with you. Everything you had to do without him, he could finally be there to do it with you.

And he fully intended on doing just that.

Calum’s eyes fluttered open at around nine A.M. on a Sunday. Glancing at you, he realized you were still asleep, curled up against his chest. He grinned at the sight, and decided to let you sleep a little longer. You both stayed up far too late the night before watching Criminal Minds, and he wasn’t sure how he wasn’t still out like a light.

He closed his eyes again, trying to fall back asleep. The attempt was futile; once he was up, he was up. As much as he wanted to let you sleep, he decided he was bored about ten minutes later, and started pressing light kisses to the side of your neck to wake you up.

You woke with a giggle escaping your lips, head turning to see Calum. He grinned down at you, his lips going to yours instead of your neck this time.

“Good morning,” you mumbled, intertwining your fingers with his hand that was resting on your belly.

“Good morning,” he repeated, thumb casually caressing the skin of your knuckles. “We should do some laundry today, I’m running out of pants.”

“We?” You snorted. It was normally just one of you doing laundry, it wasn’t exactly a two person job. Calum always helped out with it when he was home, so you wouldn’t always have to do it on your own. “Besides, you don’t need to wear pants. I like you without them.”

He playfully kicked your leg, causing you to giggle.

“I need them every once in a while,” he mumbled with a grin. “And, yes, we.”

“Laundry does not require both of us, Cal, I can do it,” you chuckled, finally rolling over to face him so you didn’t have to crane your neck.

“Yeah, but I require being with you at all times, and therefore we need to do it together,” he pouted, adjusting his arms around your waist. He was away for far too long, and he didn’t want to miss out on anything, even the not so exciting things like laundry.

You smiled warmly, leaning forward and pecking his lips.

“You’re adorable,” you mused, causing his cheeks to tint pink. “How about we have some breakfast and then we’ll do the laundry?”

He nodded, and you untangled yourselves from each other and climbed out of bed. Heading to the kitchen, you grabbed some cereal for yourself and Calum stuck to munching on a granola bar.

Breakfast went by quickly, and you and Calum started to gather all of your dirty clothes, separating them into piles. You helped each other put the first load into the washing machine and get it going. Then, all you had to do was wait.

Calum plopped himself onto the floor, back against the wall with his legs spread open. He looked up at you with a grin, opening his arms as a signal for you to join him. You laughed softly at him, but did as he asked, sitting down with your back against his chest.

“Any particular reason we’re sitting on the floor?” You asked, leaning your head on his shoulder.

“Not really,” he sniggered. “Just feel like it.”

“Fair enough, I guess.” You slipped your phone from the pocket of your hoodie, opening your camera. “We’re taking selfies if we’re sitting here, then.”

“Sounds good to me.”

Many pictures followed in your time waiting for the wash to be done. There was a pretty big variety, from smiling to him licking your face to pulling serious, model-like faces. Your favorite happened to be one where you both pulled the strings of your hoodies taught, causing the hoods to scrunch up and only your eyes were visible. You changed it to your lock screen, causing Calum to grin and kiss your cheek.

The washing machine beeped, signalling the load was done. You both got up off the floor, transferring the wet clothes to the dryer.

“How about we take Duke for a walk while the dryer is going, grab some lunch while we’re out?” You offered once it started.

“Sounds good,” he replied, grabbing your hand and walking with you towards your bedroom. You both changed and made yourselves more presentable, then heading out to find your dog.

“Duke!” Calum called, grabbing the leash from where it hung on the wall. “We’re going for a walk, bud!”

Duke was intrigued as soon as he heard the word “walk”; he knew what it meant. With a yap, he scurried over to where you and Calum stood, and Calum bent down to clip the leash onto his collar.

Once you and Calum slipped some shoes on, the three of you were out the door.

Calum slipped his hand that wasn’t holding the leash into yours, intertwining your fingers with ease. You grinned up at him, and returned the action, giving your hand a gentle squeeze.

This was one of your favorite things to do. Just you, Calum, and Duke, spending time together, your own little family. It made your heart warm, thinking about how lucky you were to have this life.

“Our usual for lunch?” Calum asked once you got into town.

“Duh,” you teased, receiving you a playful nudge to the shoulder.

Whenever you and Calum went out for lunch, you always went to the same little café that served the best paninis you ever had, and something about the iced coffee just made it stand out from the rest. The employees there knew you by name, and they had your usual orders memorized. It was like a second home.

You and Calum had a lot of “usuals,” or traditions. There was your lunch café and Cinnabon at the mall, along with the bakery you always got donuts from whenever one of you was having a bad day, and the thrift shop you and Calum liked to go to late on Friday nights and mess around. You hoped these traditions never stopped.

You approached the café, the familiar smell of coffee practically coming through the doors. You walked up to an empty table on the patio, a perfect spot for looking out at the city.

“I’ll go get our food, you hold the table?” Calum suggested. You nodded in response, taking Duke’s leash from him.

“You know what I want,” you laughed, and he pecked your lips before heading inside.

You bent down and rubbed Duke’s head, who had taken to laying on the ground.

Soon enough, Calum came back out with two plates of food and two drinks, and he carefully set them down on the table.

“Thank you, waiter,” you teased, and Calum shook his head at you with a grin. Calum took the seat across from you.

“Everyone says hi, by the way,” he chuckled.

The two of you ate and chatted, about what you were going to do once you got home. The plan ended up basically being cuddle until dinnertime, when you would make one of your favorite chicken dishes.

After you ate and walked back home, your cuddle session was quick to commence. Calum kicked his shoes off and flopped down on the couch, making grabby hands at you until you came over. He gladly pulled you practically on top of him, your cheek pressed right above his heart and his arms securely locked around your waist.

“I love you, Cal,” you mumbled softly, lips grazing over the fabric of his shirt. He hummed in content, pressing his lips to the top of your head.

“I love you, too, baby girl.”

It was quiet after that.

Neither of you realized it, but you both ended up drifting off to sleep, your late night from the night before catching up to you. It wasn’t until around 7:15 that your eyes fluttered open, realizing it was starting to get dark.

Deciding to wake him up like he woke you up that morning, you pressed gentle kisses to the column of his neck and his jaw. He grumbled out something incoherent, and brought one hand up to rub his eyes.

“Fuck, what time is it?” He murmured, finally peeling his eyes open.

“It’s 7:15, bubba,” you answered, grinning sleepily. “We should make dinner.”

He nodded in agreement, loosening his grip around your waist to let you stand up. Almost hesitantly, you climbed off of him and stood; you had been so comfortable and warm, a part of you wanted to just forget about dinner and cuddle all night long.

Calum followed suit, stretching his arms far above his head and groaning.

“Alright, chicken?” He questioned once he stopped, and you giggled and nodded in response.

The two of you made your way into the kitchen and started pulling out ingredients, piling them up on the counter.

“Alexa! Play 5 Seconds of Summer!” You called out, the same way you did in your video. Calum smiled widely, looking over at you with eyes full of adoration. He then did the same thing he thought about doing when he watched the video; he walked over to you, picked you up and spun you around.

You giggled, clinging onto him.

“Put me down!” You eventually squealed out, and Calum set you on your feet with a laugh, and wasted no time in kissing you immediately after.

Your fingers instinctively found his hair, tangling themselves in his curls. The two of you stayed like that for longer than you intended, lips moving effortlessly against each other, until you finally got dinner started.

You and Calum worked side by side, both of you singing and dancing along to the music playing from the speakers. You would bump your hip against his occasionally, which always earned you a kiss on the cheek.

Once the meal was made, you opened up a bottle of wine while Calum set the table, and then you sat down to eat. Biting into your food, you hummed in satisfaction.

“I’d say it was a success,” you said after you swallowed, and Calum mumbled out an agreement.

“I love doing this stuff, you know?” Calum said after a few minutes, setting his fork down on his plate. “Cooking dinner at home with you and all that.”

You smiled sweetly, reaching across the table to grab his hand.

“I do too.”

[balarsen22]

I see J tomorrow! its been almost a month since our last session. I’ve missed her so much. I decided to write her a letter to tell her whats all been going on in my life. Its the longest thing I’ve ever written that I plan  to read to her:

I don’t want to bombard you with a month’s worth of struggles all at once when you’re just returning from vacation so I’m going to start with some positives. There have been good things that happened too and I did have some okay days, and even had a really good day during the last month. I got into an IP group at CSU thats on tuesdays from 3-4:30 that starts this week. the other day Dr Yap asked if there’s any way they could convince me to become a radiologist after I took some especially well positioned rads on the biggest dog I’ve ever seen- I laughed and said I prefer to live in the land of color, but it was a really good compliment. I started cross fit and it’s going to be really good for me I think- the intro classes have been good so far, and I have still been able to do stuff since breaking my hand with some adaptations. my thumb and pointer finger are going to be strong as fuck by the time this is healed. I have gotten to know Colton, the equine imaging intern, a lot more between doing the equine imaging independent study and him being in the cross-fit class, which is good. I really like him a lot and part of me hopes that maybe we’ll become more than friends, but I highly doubt he’d feel the same way. being just friends is always good too. And I got some good news after being really worried about Jake, because she’s increased her water intake quite a bit and wet her bed last week, and she’s woke me up a few times to let her go out to pee in the middle of the night. all the labs came back as normal so far, apart from her usg being a little low, but its not renal failure low. we did an abdominal ultrasound on her, and her kidneys and everything else is normal apart from a small nodule in her spleen that is most likely artifact, and we did chest rads too so we could get a baseline. everything was normal, and since she’s healthy apart from drinking and peeing a lot, i’m not going to keep putting her through tests and procedures. so I’ll just keep an eye on it and I’ll bring her in for a recheck if things continue to progress. Breaking my hand is giving me excellent practice using my left hand, which will make me a better surgeon. I used a lot of coping skills this last month, and have listened to 4 audiobooks. My new roommate Christine moved in this last weekend, i think she’s a really good fit- she had moved all her stuff here using a horse trailer, so I think she’ll fit in just fine. Life went on, and I have continued to break my personal record for consecutive days I stayed alive, and have survived 100% of my worst days, and all those other uplifting sayings. 

Seeing Jeff went okay, but I don’t really trust him and he just doesn’t know me. I didn’t seem to be on the same page as him a lot of the time. And I’m still very afraid of talking about how dark my mind can get when it comes to being back at the CSU counseling center. During our first session I pointed out that I didn’t know what all he knew about me because I didn’t really know how much you filled him in on, so he told me an overview of what you had told him, and that he had heard of me back when i was in iTeam. It was really surprising and embarrassing and it brought up so much shame. i always cringe internally when i think about how crazy and stupid I have been in the past, especially when i think about my sophomore year of undergrad. I tried to move past the shame though and be honest with Jeff during our 3 sessions, and he did have some good ideas. we talked some about how to improve the relationship between you and I, and how I can start to regain your trust. I think the only way I can do that is to continue to be honest and work hard in therapy, and behave myself outside of the office. And if I want to lie to you about something, I tell you I want to lie instead of lying. I don't really know if there's anything else I can do. He suggested maybe figuring out a way to allow you to verify things, like how when people cheat in relationships they give their partner full access to their phone, but I don't know how that would work in here. I mean, Im willing to be held accountable to things by allowing you to ask people to verify things if you want, but i highly doubt you want to. But if you do I’ll sign the forms. Jeff suggested that because I end up lying when I try to explain why I’m feeling something, I should just state what I’m feeling or what I felt. I've really struggled to deal with how alone I feel. It feels like you're the only person that I don't have to hide anything from. I tried hard with Jeff, but I definitely was much more cautious about my words and the topics we talked about and tried really hard not to say anything that might cause alarm, especially after getting asked for awhile about the suicidal thoughts because I marked them on the form (even though I downplayed how frequently I’ve been having them on the form). I guess I wanted to avoid allowing myself to get attention for how much I was struggling so I tried to downplay things a bit. I didn’t consider it to be lying, but now that I’m writing about it I realize I wasn’t being completely open and honest about how I was actually doing and technically that is lying by omission. God damn it. I really didn’t mean to lie to him, I just didn’t want to draw attention to how much I was struggling because I didn’t want to be attention seeking. god fucking damn it. Its been a really rough couple of weeks for me mentally and emotionally, and i guess physically too. I’ve been feeling really low and just don’t have any interest in anything. I wake up feeling hollow and numb and empty and disappointed that I didn't die in my sleep, and as the day goes on I transition to feeling like I have a heavy weight on my chest, and I end up with a lump in my throat, and it gets hard to breathe and my entire body feels heavy. It gets to the point that its painful. I feel like I’m drowning and it feels like I’m going to cry but I never do. I seem to drift to the idea of suicide all day long, but I felt that I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I can see that people would be affected by my death, but in my opinion it wouldn’t last for long. I would just turn into a memory, life would go on. Yeah it would hurt initially, but I feel like I wouldn’t be a huge loss in people’s lives. It’s not like I’m anyone’s first choice, or second choice, or even third. the pain would come up occasionally at like holidays or something, but they’d be okay. I feel like o one actually needs me in their lives. I’m just a background character and easily replaceable. I feel like I’m not enough for anyone, and I never actually will be no matter how hard I try. And it seems like the harder I fight it the tighter it holds onto me. I've been fighting a lot with the idea that I don’t know if the fact that I struggled so much was directly related to you being gone, or if it was more how I subconsciously believed I should feel with you gone. over Labor day weekend I got high, and for some reason I got racing thoughts about this stuff. I haven’t gotten high since. While high I got the idea to name my factitious disorder “Effy” because it sounds like F-D, similar to how people call their eating disorders “Ed” to separate the eating disorder from themselves. I started to get racing thoughts and wrote down the narrative of exactly what was going on in my head if you want to hear it, but it started out with the idea of “Do I have factitious disorder and do my urges get worse because of my combined depression and anxiety personality disorders acting up? or has effy been causing them all along? What if the only reason I'm depressed to begin with is just for attention. It's like asking what came first, the chicken or the egg?” I struggled with a lot of other similar concepts too- even to the point that if this existential crisis and philosophical moment was because of the weed, or just because its something that I know can happen with it. But basically everything comes back to "is this how I really feel? or is this just how Effy thinks I should feel?". the thought has really stuck with me and I'm really confused about it. I tried bringing it up with Jeff, and he said that either way I still feel the way I feel no matter what the cause is. it didn’t really help because I would use different coping skills or treat myself differently depending on the cause, and I probably would’ve been more open about how shitty I felt like I was doing if I had known it wasn’t just for attention., but i guess either way I feel like shit and I’ve been wanting more and more to give up and die. I kept trying to remind myself that I don’t have to be worse for you to care about me and to make you believe that I need help and I need you, and that I don’t have to show you how much you help me and how much I rely on you by completely falling apart without you, and that I don’t have to be worse to make sure you don’t abandon me or anything like that. but it never really changed how much I'm struggling. So maybe what I'm feeling is real, I'm not sure. It probably made me use skills more at least since I was trying to avoid doing something for attention, but they didn’t seem to help much either. Well, I guess they help in that they're keeping me safe and I haven't ended up needing to go to the ER or anything, but they never really made me feel any better. And even with them I still slipped up and cut twice on 2 particularly bad days, and I’m really sorry. 

I’ve been leaning more towards not reaching out to people at all in case its just the factitious part of me doing it for attention. I’ve been trying to avoid getting extra attention as much as I can. Your absence has really made me realize that you’re the only person I feel like I can actually talk to. Apart from you, I don’t really have anyone to talk about the heavy stuff with right now anyways. There was one day early on when you were gone that I was really struggling, and my mom had happened to call, and I tried reaching out to her but i guess it was more in a way of testing the waters. I brought up how much I dislike school right now and how burned out I feel, and she just said that she’s sure I’ll bounce back soon and just brushed it off. I didn’t try to talk to her about anything else. I went to dinner one night with Megan and Shannon and Cameron for Megan’s birthday on a particularly bad head day, but that left me feeling even worse. had it been anyone besides megan I wouldn’t have gone, but I’m trying so hard to repair that friendship so I forced myself to go. I was with the people I used to consider to be my best friends, but I felt completely alone the entire time. All I could think about was how I wanted so badly to go home and die. How I wanted to find a gun and shoot myself. I did my best to engage in conversation and pay attention, but i felt so alone it hurt. When they finally decided to leave for the bars and I went home, I stopped on impulse and picked up some blades on my way. I cut when I got home. I felt really guilty and ashamed about it afterwards, and but in my head all I could think was that its better to cut than to end up in the ER on a psych hold. The next day I realized how fucked up my reasoning had been and I felt even worse about it, and then to add to it I started to think about how angry you were going to be with me for it. The whole situation with taking a big step back from Megan has been really hard for me. I realized a few days after our last session that even though I thought I could logically think it through, my emotions were still very black and white and I was reacting like our friendship completely ended, when in reality our friendship has been given a second chance. It still feels really devastating and I still get engulfed with feeling abandoned and with self hate and self blame, but  I try to remind myself that she's just taking a step back, not telling me to get out of her life for good and to never speak to her again. It’s been really difficult for me though, and for the most part I’ve been avoiding her. I did try to see if Megan wanted to take the dogs on a walk on saturday morning this last weekend, and when she finally texted me back 2 days later she said sure and that she’d text me when she was up, which would probably be around 9am. on saturday morning I waited, and waited, and she finally texted me around 11:30 that she was up. by the time we met up at the trail, it was already starting to sprinkle and was windy and a bit cold. she had brought cameron along too, which i guess is fine, she just hadn’t mentioned he was coming too and usually he doesn’t go with us. It felt like she didn’t want to be there and that she wanted to avoid being alone with me. Our conversation was light, talking about derby mainly and her dad who just came to town and how he’s doing, and work. Mainly she talked. but after a bit it began to rain harder, and we turned around. It was just a disappointment of a day. I was really hoping to get to spend some quality time with her, just the two of us having fun and working on rebuilding our friendship, and instead of that we walked dogs for about 30 minutes in the rain, after I was left hanging pretty much all morning and planning my day around us going. and on top of that the dogs barely got a walk because it was cold and rainy the rest of the day on top of that. its just frustrating and disappointing and it hurt. I feel like it was just a reminder of how unimportant I am to her now. lately I’ve also been trying to take a step back from hanging out and connecting with Shannon, mainly because she never wanted to or could when I asked and eventually I’ve stopped asking. A big part of me has been wondering if she’s avoiding me and secretly hates me or doesn’t want to be my friend, and I guess I’ve slowly been convincing myself thats the truth. but I also needed to get myself back to seeing her as just a friend and it was hard to do that and keep hanging out, so maybe its for the best. but whatever the cause is, we haven’t hung out just the 2 of us in about a month now. And I’ve been so down lately that i haven’t really gone ahead with hanging out with hurt or holly more. I know that isolating myself from people doesn’t really help, but it hurts less than feeling completely alone when I’m with the people i consider to be my friends. 

I also just don't have the energy or motivation to try right now- I’d rather just curl up and disappear these days. and there’s a part of me fuels that by rationalizing in my head that drifting away from people now means I won’t hurt as many people when I finally kill myself. I guess suicide has been on my mind a lot these days. I hate school right now, even though I should love it. I just don’t care anymore. I want to care, but I don’t have the energy or motivation. Vet med used to be the thing I was living for. And now its not. Now I’m living just to not cause more pain to people than I already have caused. I don’t enjoy anything anymore. If I wasn’t already $100grand in debt I would seriously consider dropping out. the thought has crossed my mind several times. I’ve been skipping class, and lately when I do go I’ll be trying to pay attention, and then all of a sudden there’s a heavy weight on my chest, a lump in my throat, and its hard to breathe. and I just want to leave. I want to go home and go hide. i don’t want to be in class. I don’t want to pay attention. I don’t want to go to work. i don’t want to have responsibilities. I don’t want to have commitments. I just want to go curl up with my dogs and fade away from the world. I care, but I don’t care anymore. at that point, I want to get drunk and kill myself. But all I can seem to do is sit there and stare at the wall in silence. I guess it's like a mental health equilibrium, that I want to do something destructive but my lack of energy and motivation prevents it. I sit there and fantasize about shooting myself, but I don’t want to bring it up to anyone because I feel like its just attention seeking. I start to think about ways I could get a gun, like to just go to the shooting range, rent a gun, and put a bullet straight through my brain. I imagine what it would feel like, to put the barrel to my temple. to curl my finger around the trigger and pull.  I start to think about writing a  goodbye letter, saying how sorry I am but I couldn’t handle it all anymore. but I don’t even know who I would leave it for anymore, and there’s not much else I would say in it but I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to keep going, and that I can’t keep living like this. When you’re drowning in the middle of an ocean with no land or boat in sight, I don’t want to learn to be okay with drowning. I want to get out of the water and onto a fucking boat, or let the end come quickly. because right now I’m out of energy and barely keeping afloat, and there’s no boats in sight. Maybe a boat will come or maybe I’m swimming towards shore, but maybe I’m not? or maybe I’m just too far and instead I’m going to get hypothermia and drown. I don’t want to be alive anymore. I want to stop this pain. I’m all choked up and I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I want to cry, but the tears don’t come. they never come. I sit there having a meltdown internally in the middle of the classroom, and eventually I’m able to tell myself that I shouldn’t be thinking of this stuff and that I need to pay attention to the task at hand and put the thoughts in container, but its like the container they go into is heavy and sits right on my chest. Even if I can stop the thoughts, the feelings don’t really go away. I go home for lunch every day now so I don't have to socialize too much, because I’m afraid that I won’t be able to hide whats going on in my head and I don’t want to draw attention to myself for how shitty I’ve been feeling. I know isolating doesn’t help things, and its probably just a depressive episode, so I started cross-fit at the beginning of the month to try and help me get back more into the routine of exercising again to try and combat the depression. I know I need to start working out and running again, but I don’t have the motivation to do it on my own anymore, so I joined cross-fit since they offer classes every day and you sign up for them before hand and getting my moneys worth helps as a motivator to go. I still drag my ass to derby too, but I’ve been pretty closed off with everyone there and haven’t had many ups recently. 

We had a roller derby tournament on the 14th and 15th. The first day of the tournament I actually had a lot of fun and remembered why I fell in love with derby to begin with. It was a good day all around, and I was in a really good mood too. I found out before game one that I was going to be one of the constants on the track (vs rotating in). It was a huge confidence boost for me, as I have always been a “rotator.” I have worked so hard and have come so far in the last year, and I felt like I played my heart out. We won both games. Derby was fun. I was really pumped up, and really happy about it. I hurt my hand at the end of the second game, but the rest of the day couldn't have gotten any better. for a little while, I was able to escape the dark cloud I live in these days. I got to enjoy it. I considered going into urgent care Saturday night after I hurt my hand, but I was afraid i was just making a big deal out of nothing just to get attention. I iced and took ibuprofen instead, and taped it for Sunday's games and tried not to draw attention to it. But day 2 of the tournament was the complete opposite for me from the day before. I got told that morning that I would go back to being a rotator for our line, and it completely crushed my soul and my confidence and my excitement for the day right away. several other things on top of that made it a really bad day for me mentally. I was being a poor sport about doing what was best for the team and was acting like an entitled spoiled brat. I just couldn’t understand what I did wrong on Saturday that made me get dropped down again, I thought I had played really well the day before but obviously I hadn’t. and while my fingers were taped I hadn’t said anything about my hand hurting (even though I no longer had separate knuckles because of the swelling and it ached like a mother fucker), so it wasn’t like I was bumped down because of that. And then even when I did get to play, Bull was acting really frustrated with me on the track which made me shut down even further. I assumed she was frustrated with me because I was playing poorly and kept making mistakes and getting stupid penalties. I was seriously afraid I was going to start to cry on the bench at one point. I didn’t handle any of it well whatsoever. At one point bull even argued with one of the bench coaches that I wasn’t supposed to be going on the track next even though Georgia had wanted to sit one so I was going to go in for her. but with the big deal bull made Georgia said she’d go in. When I skated away to the other end of the bench bull went to say something to me, but i stopped her and just said ”bull, I love you, but right now I can’t talk to you. I need to calm down.” She looked really pissed but skated away. I went up to her at halftime a few minutes later and she said not to take it personally, that she just wanted to make sure that Georgia got equal playing time, which was annoying coming from her since she was a constant on the track. She also said she was frustrated with the refs and the bench coach and not me, but she still didn’t change her attitude towards me. I tried to be a positive force on the bench, but I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be at the tournament even. We ended up winning all 4 games and the tournament, but I just wanted to die. I wanted to quit derby, even though i had just been reminded the day before how much I love playing. I was so down that I even called my mom on the way back and told her how bummed out and down I had been about having to sit and that it had crushed my confidence, but she made some comment like “well thats how it is” and “there’s no I in team”, and basically told me I shouldn’t be feeling that and how I should just be happy for the team and that we won. It just made it all worse, and I don’t know why I even tried reaching out to her. I guess probably because I didn’t have anyone else. I couldn’t stop thinking that I’m just overreacting anyways, its probably all in my head and I’m probably just being really dramatic and making a big deal out of nothing, and letting it get to me too much. And I shouldn’t have let myself get excited and proud of myself to begin with for it. I ended up cutting that night. After realizing how badly I fucked up again I got even more upset, and I called summit stone. The call didn’t help a ton, but it helped enough. She calmed me down some about feeling so  horrible for letting you down and told me to give myself some credit for wanting to cut so badly for the last month and only slipping up twice. It didn’t really help with fearing your reaction and how bad I feel about letting you down, or the guilt and shame of fucking up yet again, but at least I didn’t cut again that night and I haven’t cut since. She kept trying to remind me that I’m doing the best I can right now, but all I can think of is that either my best is not enough or I should’ve done better and worked harder and I’m not doing enough. Either way, I still feel like shit about it. But I do want you to know that the main thing that stopped me from continuing and got me to call at all was realizing how disappointed you’d be, and hearing your voice in my head saying “I can’t work with you if you’re going to hurt yourself”.  I'm really sorry, and I don’t want to sound like I’m making excuses for what happened and why I slipped up, because there’s no real excuse. I’ve really been dreading how disappointed and mad you’re going to be with me, and I’m really praying that you aren't going to fire me as a client. Especially because I avoided it with jeff both times when I really shouldn’t have. I just didn’t want it to be an attention seeking behavior and I didn’t want it to become a big deal, because I had the feeling it would’ve been. but now I just realized that bringing it up only with you could be considered attention seeking too. god damn it. I’ve been trying so hard not to do things that might be attention seeking, but it just keeps backfiring. 

It turned out I broke my hand during our second bout on saturday and my fear of making it a big deal was bad, and turned out to almost make it worse. Monday morning my hand was still really swollen and achey, and eventually I decided to go in after my equine surgical anatomy rotation in the morning much due to the urging of holly who was my lab partner and saw how swollen it was. I went to CSU’s health center and got x rays, and the doctor said that I had an avulsion fracture. he sent me to PT to get a splint and to make an appointment with the hand surgeon at CSU to make sure it wouldn’t require surgery, but the PT was in disagreement that it was a fracture. The radiologist also said it wasn’t a fracture, but the doctor was convinced. Nearly 4 hours later they sent me home saying it wasn’t a fracture and just had me tape my fingers together. they said that they’d have the hand surgeon look at the rads when he was there Wednesday to double check. I got the rads on a CD and was looking at them at work Monday night to try and figure out what the dispute was about. I thought i saw a fracture, but I also wasn’t sure if I was seeing it just because I almost wanted it to be broken. like something deep inside was really disappointed when the radiologist said it wasn’t fractured, and I hate so much that I had that feeling. It just didn’t feel like how much it was bugging me was justified unless it was broken. Colton also agreed it was fractured, but I didn't go back in because I didn't want to make a big deal of it, and I hated that I had the feeling of satisfaction I got from it being broken. then on tuesday I got a call from the doctor who said he got a second opinion on the rads, and the other radiologist agreed with him that it was a fracture, but I could just stay with it taped until I met with the hand surgeon, but if I really wanted to I could come get a splint. Anyone who's in medicine knows that with any type of fracture you need to stabilize the joint above and below, but I didn't want to give  myself the satisfaction of a splint drawing attention to it so I just left it taped. But by Thursday morning my hand was throbbing so badly in class that i could barely function, so I went back to the doctor to get a real splint for it. I went to American family associates instead of CSU though, because Monday reminded me why I don't go to the CSU medical center. The doctor I saw there looked at the rads and was obviously horrified that it was even a question it was fractured to begin with, and that they only had me buddy taping it to the finger next to it. I felt really validated that I wasn't just being a weenie about it, and realized later that was satisfying the attention seeking part of me and I while it felt good to be validated I also hated myself for how good it felt that she was validating how much it was hurting me, and I hate mself even more for the surge of appreciation and satisfaction when she said ‘you poor thing’. She also had me get an appointment with the hand surgeon at the orthopedic center of the rockies for the next day because she was concerned I had done further damage by not being in the splint. I went to the hand surgeon friday, and was told that while there’s joint involvement the fracture is stable and it shouldn’t require surgery, and i was given a different brace, which he said i can skate in. i have a recheck in about 3 weeks. So basically the entire thing was a shitshow and me trying not to make a big deal of things backfired and made it even more of a big deal, and resulted in me probably getting more attention than I would have had I just gone into urgent care on saturday night. I don’t know how to balance my attempts to not be attention seeking vs making sure i get attention for things that require it.   

I’ve had this huge fear that you would decide while you were gone that you wanted to be just be done with me and tell me to find someone else to work with. After all we’ve been through I know its irrational, but the fear was still there, and now I gave you yet another reason to get rid of me by messing up and cutting. I think its important that you know that I’m terrified of letting you down. Maybe the fear is good, because for the most part it keeps me from self destructing because I’m so afraid of losing this relationship. I guess the thing is I’m trying so hard to do it all and I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted from it, but at the same time i feel like the effort I’m putting in isn’t enough. I’m so afraid of letting you down, especially because you’ve given me so many chances to get my shit together, especially after the last time I fucked up and lied. I’m always so afraid that if I fuck up in any way you’re going to leave me. I’m afraid that eventually you’re going to say that i’m not worth the trouble, that you’re going to decide that I’m too fucked up and demented and attention seeking and tell me I need to start seeing someone else and that you won’t work with me anymore. I keep fucking up and I’m so fucking scared that you’re going to leave because of it, and I guess you being gone has magnified that fear. I feel like the only reason I have held it together as much as I did was because I don’t want to hear the disappointment in your voice or have your be mad at me when you get back. I really wanted you to be happy with me for how I handled everything with you being gone, most nights the only thing that kept me from doing something stupid was the fear of how you’d react when I had to tell you about it. I’m pretty sure you have become my wise mind, because I kept trying to figure out what you would say to me or how you would react if I chose to do something. But there are some times that I still have barely been holding it together. I feel like I handled you being gone really poorly. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if I could actually talk to someone without being afraid that I’m just being attention seeking, and I really tried to do that with Jeff, but there were some things that I was too afraid to go into. Mainly, how hopeless and bland life seems and the fact that there was one night that literally the only reason that kept me from it was the fact that it would be a really shitty thing for you to come back from your honeymoon to. I need to be able to talk about it but i’m afraid to talk to anyone about it because I don’t want people to overreact and make it a big deal and land up in the ER or at mountain crest, but sometimes I wonder if I really should end up there. Like during the last part of our session and after I left Jeff’s office this last tuesday, I wanted nothing more than to just die, but I didn’t feel safe telling him that because I didn't want to get sent to the ER. I sort of hinted at it during session, but I didn’t directly bring it up. And the problem was I just really wanted to talk to you, because it feels like the only reason I’m even trying anymore is because I don't want to let you down. I have been struggling a lot while you were gone, and I'm really really sorry for disappointing you and fucking up so much, and all I can do is beg you not to fire me. I know that you being back isn't just going to magically make everything all better, but at least I you know me and understand and can explain to me what the fuck is going on in my head and help me make sense of things. And I trust you and I know I can talk to about anything now, even if sometimes it takes me awhile to convince myself to get the words out. This last month has made me realize even more how much it helps me to come in and be held accountable and to be able to talk about everything, and feeling safe in doing so. I don’t feel so alone with it all when you’re here. I guess I hadn’t realized before you left that it was possible to feel more alone than I already did, but apparently it is. and all of this has made me realize how much our relationship means to me, which is really scary for me to admit to you. When it comes to people I feel like I can 100% go to with anything and truly trust with my life, you’re all I have. and its scary to realize that I depend on you this much. I still don’t know if it’s just Effy trying to show you how much I think I need you, or if this is actually how much I need you. I hope your wedding was everything you imagined it would be and that you hand an absolutely amazing trip,. and I’m really glad and relieved that you’re back. I've missed you so much.