#but that just means I have a ton of half assed reviews scribbled in my phone

[not-another-walnut]

hey cheif! I keep a running list on my phone that I can just c&p for you

prepare yourself:

I am in Eskew: easily the scariest show I’ve ever listened to and one of my absolute favorites. Not for the feint hearted but so so good, it’s hard to describe, but things are not right in the city of Eskew- maybe you should join us here?

Light House: Short and absolutely terrifying. the voice acting and imagery is incredible! one of my favorites and one of the few that have actually terrifies me! a rare find for genuinely spooky haunted houses, just listen to the story of Light House, the girls, and all the spirits there.

Unwell: A story about a very creepy and very mysterious small town. It embraces the creepy vibe of the midwest, but hides a lot of the socio economic tragedy of these crumbling small towns! It’s an amazing listen!

Hello from the Hallowoods: Your nightmarish host Nikignik presents a heartfelt horror show from the beautiful (and deadly) Northern Hallowoods. Listen as a cast of (wonderful and largely queer) survivors face twisted wildlife, the Instrumentalist, and other terrors in the forest at the end of the world. I live this show, it’s like a more cryptid/eldritch Night Vale, but it’s so much more than that! it has so many amazing threads that are genuinely exciting to unravel, and the narrators voice/voices are so soothing to listen to.

Alice isn’t Dead: Alice isn’t Dead, and her wife is going on a road trip to try and find her! Alice is one of my all time favorites, it’s creepy and the sound design is incredible! The story is so creepy and wholesome and mysterious, I will absolutely recommend it to everyone

Spines: about a girl who wakes up with crazy super powers and no memory of what happened to her, Wren is unraveling who and what she is, where she came from, and the horrors that created her. really good, though definitely a body horror warning on this one!

How I Died is a short indie podcast about a coroner who can talk to ghosts in a very mysterious town, it’s an amazing concept, and they bring more to the story than just a dude who can talk to ghosts!

The Lovecraft Investigations: Tackles the stories of HP Lovecraft in the docu-drama style and it’s actually really good! both the hosts are likable, and they make some of the confusing ramblings of mr lovecraft actually is treating and sensible!( I always recommend this to people who were disappointed in the Balck Tapes)

The Left/Right Game: A short story about a very scary extra dimensional road trip- genuinely terrifying and the sound design is beyond amazing! one of my absolute favorites, i’ve re listened so many times now! Parts of the story can be a little unclear, but you can reference the original r/nosleep story for reference!

Call of the Void: A really amazing reimagining of the Lovecraft story, short, and really well done! the characters are all real and likable, and it has so much heart!

The Deca Tapes: Ten people locked in the same space- they have no memories of who they are, they have no names, just jobs, and no other details from me! this ones a wild ass ride, it kinda reminds me of Lost, but like, good.

Death by Dying: about an obituary writer trying to solve the mysteries of those he writes about. It’s creepy and funny and absurd, even more off the rails than Welcome to Night Vale.

Malevolent: Arthur looses his sight in an accident, and when he wakes up, there’s a mysterious voice in his head who can see through his eyes, and has to narrate the world around them!! Really spooky, and give off that 20s lovecraft/eldritch vibe, and it’s really well done! I think it’s and and really creative and smart framing device! and of all the shows i think their patreon has the most exciting rewards!

The Sheridan Tapes:The Sheridan Tapes: Anna Sheridan, famous horror novelist, has gone missing, and Sam Bailey, homicide detective, is trying to find her. He has to listen to her weird an spooky tapes for clues, but finds out a lot more about the world around him, and specifically his little city. i really love it’s one! if you like to hear your narrator sort of wax poetic while delivering spooks, you’ll def like this one!! the characters all feel real and the story unravels in a really satisfying arc!

Weeping Cedars: Another Creepy small town, this time in the docu-drama style. The story is really good the first season, though the second season looses a lot of scare factor and just sounds like a documentary! Still give it a listen though, I still liked the second season, it’s just a lil slow (that said I haven’t listened to season three yet!)

The Silt Verses: The same creators of I am in Eskew, and it’s just as amazing!! The world is so full and terrifying! It’s a horror/ religious fantasy in an alternate world, with outlawed gods and fanatics! I want so much more inside this universe, and it’s easy to forget how horrifying it is because the story is so compelling, but it will remind you exactly when it should.

Duggan Hill: Traveling through old country roads, a woman named Sasha goes missing, the last person she spoke to, was her ex girlfriend, Zoe, but… Zoe can’t remember anything about her. I really like this one!! the story evolves in a pretty unexpected and interesting way!!

the Gloom: short and sweet! it’s in the “docudrama” investigative journalist style, i really love the focus of the story, but the narrator is just a little melodramatic for my tastes! the journalist finds and explores tapes from a decades old cold case, involving the deaths and disappearances of four kids from a mental home for troubled youths.

In Another Room: only 8 episodes, but one of the best pieces of haunted house media I’ve ever heard! Investigative journalist, Wendy, steps into a local haunted house to report on paranormal findings, but is immediately swallowed up. Each room shows her exactly what happened there and gives her clues to the truth of the house.

The Orpheus Protocol: if you can get into TTRPG actual play games you MUST give it a listen. It’s true my some of the best horror writing I’ve ever heard, and the dice act almost secondary to this incredible story!! There are dozens of characters and an enormous back catalogue (like 200 eps?) it’s really 10/10 incredible!!

Sayer: SAYER is a narrative fiction podcast set on Earth's man-made second moon, Typhon. The eponymous SAYER is a highly advanced, self-aware AI created to help acclimate new residents to their new lives, and their new employment with Ærolith Dynamics. It’s very creepy and unsettling, but SAYER’s voice makes the whole show. It sounds amazing and sells the omnipresent and oppressive AI environment!

Woe.Begone: a single narrator dark comedy about time travel, government interference, and just sort of doing what it takes. I don’t really know how to describe it, it’s basically if RABBITS was good AND made sense? and it’s very funny and every gross I love it! the horror sort of tapers off in the more recent seasons but I’m still really enjoying it!

Mockery Manor: Classic teens working at a creepy amusement park! Except the park is really interesting and well designed, the characters are well rounded, and the mystery is buck wild (and the voice acting is really impressive) There’s a little bit of teen melodrama but I still like it!

Jar of Rebuke: A fun and creepy story about cryptids in the american midwest! Dr. Jared Hel is definitely just a normal scientist with no memory and a normal dog! Another really great and creepy show with an awesome mystery and plenty of queer rep!!

does anyone want to hit me with horror podcast recs? i love old gods, tma, the silt verses, a voice from the darkness.... i would love something akin to this, just an overall gothic vibe

[attract-mode-collective]

Review: A Day with Sid, Ed, & CD-i

Longtime readers may be less than surprised to learn that I have a deep fondness for infomercials designed to sell game hardware, be they arcade machines or computers and consoles. Why? Well, they’re the perfect combination of the two things I loved most growing up, that being video games and late night television, both of which were at their absolute apex around the early 90s (IMHO).

The one I watched and loved the most was a 30 minute long piece of paid programming dedicated to the Phillips CD-i, which attempted to usher CD-ROM based entertainment into living rooms during the 16-bit era of gaming and ultimately failed, with much of its infamy due to the rather poor utilization of Nintendo IP that Phillips had access to (due to them being there to pick up the pieces of the SNES CD project, when Nintendo and Sony had a falling out).

Alas, I have yet to find an acceptable, let alone complete copy on YouTube. I should know; I regularly check and see if one has been finally uploaded. The bits and pieces that are currently present is the infomercial split into three parts (it was shared at a time in which uploads could not be longer than ten minutes), and even then, a sizable chunk of the beginning portion is missing. Though during a regular check, I came across the existence of a second informercial that I had no idea existed!

Despite the beginning being cut off here as well, enough of the set-up is present for the following half-hour to make sense. Basically, we have a pair of twin brothers in the same line of business, more or less: assisting those with technical difficulties.

Ed is a repair person who specializes in VCRs, game systems, and personal computers. Consumer tech that the informercial portrays as being less than consumer friendly, to the point that they’re practically consumer hostile. As such, Ed’s characterization reflects this stance; he’s slow, lazy, and aloof. Which is pretty much all the justification that Sid needs to swoop in and hijack Ed’s clientele, to then perform his role of CD-i salesperson.

Sid believes that he’s not so much stealing them but is instead “steering them in the right direction” and even describes himself as a “Robin Hood for the information age”. The dude loves his job, cuz he loves the CD-i! All of which is illustrated via three vignettes that the informercial presents. The first is Little Timmy and the Wrong Button and it depicts an early 90s mom and her young early 90s son, at the computer… dad’s computer to be exact. The scene opens with mom trying to get a game running by inserting a long string of DOS commands. When she has to step away from the computer, to refer to some manual that’s high atop the book shelf, her child disobeys the commandment of not touching the keyboard, which results in him completely erasing the hard drive.

Believe it or not, for the younger folks reading this, such a scene was somewhat common in television and film at the time: kids were portrayed as being dumb, unable to grasp technology. Crazy, I know! Anyhow, the point of this scene is to demonstrate that computers are super fragile and needlessly complicated, so mom makes a call to Ed, though Sid shows up instead (mom actually calls an office, where Ed’s boss is, who relays jobs to his repairman in the field via CB radio, which Sid snoops in on… kinda messed up, I know). As he barges inside the house, Sid states “So, you hit a pot hole in the information super highway, huh?”

Mom points towards the computer but Sid makes his way straight towards the TV and hooks up a later model of the CD-i, the one that resembles a game console, so I know it came after the other informercial, cuz that one featured the version of the hardware that looks like a VCR. Anyhow, Sid immediately starts doing his pitch, which is how the CD-i does everything a computer can, but instead of a tiny monitor on a desk, you can enjoy everything on your big ass living room TV and on the comfort of your couch.

And what’s the first piece of software to demonstrate the power of CD-i, to not only impress the young man in the skit but everyone watching at home? Why, an edutainment title called Crayon Factory. Seriously. Sid (presumably) gets the idea after noticing the young scribbling all over the walls of the house with crayons, though he’s a bit too old for such behavior. And thus we have my fave little touch of the informercial; when the kid inserts the disc, Sid adjusts it so its properly resting on the spool. Not sure why I like that so much…

But yeah, it’s hardly the first taste for the viewing audience at home that I would have chosen. Yet Crayon Factory is exciting enough for Sid to steal the controller (and a rather cheap looking one at that; on the long list of problems with the CD-i is the rather chintzy input devices) from the boy and play the game himself. While playing, Sid continues on with the hard sell, by noting “CD-i has everything you get with a CD-ROM… except the problems!” Which means zero loading time (not according to footage I’ve seen on YouTube) and no complicated equipment (speaking as a Mac guy, I will agree that PCs are hard to figure out, sorry). He also runs down all the other things that the machine can play, like music CDs (this is the early 90s and compact discs were still relatively new) and movies (with Four Weddings And A Funeral mentioned, the first instance of several) plus actual video games!

The first legit gameplay we see is of Chaos Control, a rather subpar on-rails shooter that heavily relies upon full motion video. But instead of the enemies being sprites that are super imposed on top, which is usually the case, here they’re part of the pre-rendered backdrop. So when you shoot something, it becomes obscured by a puff of smoke, and a really crappy looking one at that. It’s also worth noting that Chaos Control was released on other platforms, and I see the Japanese Sega Saturn version a lot when looking for imports on eBay. There are TONS of copies out there for sale and no one’s buying.

Mom is less than impressed, cuz she’s a woman, and women don’t play video games, according to the informercial. Though she’s also worried about how her husband will react to the loss of the computer (which is referred to as to simply “the CD-ROM”; I think it has less to do with a female being unfamiliar with tech yet again, and more with how no one on staff was fluent period). Which is why Sid bring up Palm Springs Golf, cuz all dads love golf, right? Though CD-is are for mothers as well, which is why Sid introduces her to Kathy Smith Personal Trainer, a work out video disc that has an aerobics instructor with an eye patch. Just figured I’d mention that.

After Four Weddings And A Funeral’s name is dropped for the second time (btw, not once does the informercial ever show a clip, we never even see what the packaging looks like), several other games are mentioned. Nothing manages to pique mom’s interest, until she finds out that there’s a CD-i version of Jeopardy, which is what allows mother and child to bond over technology, and in a way that simply is impossible via CD-ROM or any other old-fashioned piece of tech! As Sid exits the house, after successfully extolling the virtues of the CD-i yet again, he comes across Ed who is only now arriving (his tardiness is largely due to the nap he took on the way). Sid notes “not to make excuses for him, but Ed was born twenty minutes after me and has been late ever since.” Sick burn Sid, sick burn.

Afterwards is the first commercial break within the commercial programming, which is consistent with the format of the medium. This is the first opportunity for the viewing audience to purchase their own machine, for just 8 payments of $62.50? That’s $500. Plus $19.95 for shipping and handling (also, please allow 6 to 8 weeks for delivery). The selection of software and entertainment available is detailed, including yet another mention of Four Weddings And A Funeral (we are told there are plenty of movies for the platform, but we only ever hear about one specifically, with the key word here being “hear”). I seem to recall the Turbo Duo’s hefty price tag being justified with a slew of quality pack in titles, and the CD-i is no slouch in comparison… of the six discs included there’s Chaos Control (yawn), Space Ace (okay, that’s slightly better), Compton’s Encyclopedia (okay, before there was Wikipedia there were encyclopedias, so I can see Compton’s actually being a legit enticing piece of software at the time), and a Beatles cover record.

Next is our second tale of truth and discovery, entitled Game Machine. The scene opens up in a living room inhabited by three totally radical teens. The kid any gamer could at home could totally relate to! One’s playing an unspecified game console, another’s just rocking on to some killer tunes via headphones. Unfortunately he gets a bit into the music and ends up knocking over the console, which breaks (which upon freezing of the frame reveals an answering machine instead of a SNES or Genesis). This pisses of the third kid, who had been chillin’ on the couch, eating pizza while on his back (I used to that a lot as a kid… okay, not really). It’s his house and the console is technically his father’s, so a call for help is made.

As before, Sid intercepts Ed’s communiqué from his boss. And as one might expect, video games take center stage in this segment; first up is a full motion driven adventure game called Burn:Cycle that’s about cyber espionage though the mid 90s lens (the best kind, of course). Which is where my other fave shot from the infomercial shows up, right after one of them bites it. I love it when actors are supposed to do something that should be natural, yet either due to poor acting skills or a clueless director (I want to believe in this case it’s the latter), it comes off as anything but... 

We then check in on Ed real quick, who is being proactive this time but unfortunately got the address wrong, so he instead shows up at some biker gang’s hideout. Back to Sid, who details the second game for the segment… and it’s Chaos Control for the second time?! Footage from Space Ace is shown after, which is odd, given the type of game that the CD-i was practically made for. Otherwise… we’re constantly told that there are 200 titles available, but the same ones that were showcased with the mom and the small boy are mentioned yet again, even the workout video.

This second segment is not as interesting as the first one, plus it’s not as long either. When the gamer dorks assume that dad has come home, they start panicking because the place is a mess, due to abundance of half eaten pizza slices all over the place (cuz, you know, teenagers). But it’s Ed, who got lost on the way; instead of the boys’ house, he encountered a biker gang. Though we get zero explanation as to what, if anything, had happened.

The ending is also fairly anticlimactic, and the whole thing’s a disappointment to be honest. After a repeat of the commercial break from before, we arrive at the third and final vignette, A VCR’s Last Meal. So you all know already what this one is going to be. As before, the scene opens up in a living room with a man and a woman, a couple sitting on the couch, watching a movie. Sid tells us that they’re movie buffs, though he also explains how their VCR has also developed “quite the appetite” for film as well, hence why they’re regular customers of Ed.

Not surprisingly, their tape (which we are told is Forest Gump, and not Four Weddings And A Funeral; talk about a missed opportunity to flex the CD-i version being superior over the VHS edition) is eaten up by their machine. A call is immediately made the guy has a slightly argumentative exchange on the phone, who states that because of their extended warranty, he wants Ed to give it another shot at fixing it. Ed gets the dispatch, but his hands are full, eating what appears to be two maybe even three slices of pizza at once... 

At this point, the infomercial’s negative characterization of Ed and all that he represents officially went over the line. Sid, whose very healthy lunch is an assortment of fruit and vegetable slices and is an additional dig at his brother, decides to steal yet another client from Ed. What a jerk.

The moment Sid arrives, he barges himself into the couple’s abode, replaces the VCR with a CD-i and considers the job done. The dude wonders what the f and our pitchman explains that he’s offering a new way to consume movies. Sid identifies just one title… any guesses which… and then goes onto to tout the CD-quality sound. The girlfriend or wife (not sure what the nature of their relationship really is) seems immediately sold, but the boyfriend or husband is not. So Sid fires up a movie, and just when we see a “Feature Presentation” graphic, he suggests play a video game instead? Great, so Four Weddings And A Funeral is seriously the ONLY movie for the platform, which they either don’t have the rights to show footage from or maybe it’s not even ready.

The game we see is Caesars World of Boxing. Sid initially hands the controller over to the man but then gives it to the woman instead. Cuz it’s funny you see. Because women don’t play video games you see. We briefly cut to Ed who is having engine troubles, and then it’s back to the woman playing the boxing game. And only her. Not sure if it’s a one player game only or if Sid simply doesn’t have a second controller. Can you plug more than one controller into the machine? I honestly don’t know! The woman is way into the game, mostly the violence, so Sid cuts her bloodlust off by popping in the CD-i version of Clue. It’s a video board game that has clips of all the characters, and because it’s not footage from the famous movie, I didn’t care and you probably won’t either.

The third video game used to convince a movie buff couple as to why they should dump their VCR for a CD-i is Burn:Cycle of all things. Afterwards, while Sid is applying the icing on the cake by pointing out how machine also plays games in addition to video games and nonexistent movies, Ed shows up looking pretty pissed. And for good reason; this bother has been stealing his customers for the past 24 minutes, or should I say stealing Ed of his livelihood. What we get is a shot in which Sid and Ed are facing each other, and since it’s the same actor playing both roles once again, it’s a bit of trick photography, but because their eye lines are not meeting the special effect is less than convincing. Anyhow, as Ed rambles on about how the couple is like family, the woman slips in a copy of Mad Dog McCree. Given how it’s an interactive movie, front and center, why wasn’t it brought up front and center to the film fanatics? Then again, playing a light gun with a standard controller is always lame, so maybe that’s why it barely gets any screen time.

In the middle of this, Sid notes that it’s quitting time for both him and his brother, so cut to them sitting on the couch, alongside the couple, with Ed enjoying some Mad Dog McCree himself! Am shocked it’s not all of them watching a movie, Four Weddings And A Funeral of course (we don’t see what they’re seeing, so it could have been possible). Sid’s voice over states “A minute of CD-i and years of rivalry just disappeared!” The last shot we see, before the infomercial ends with the third and final showing of the commercial, is of the van driving off. Before it said Sid’s CD-i Sales but there’s been some alterations, and now it states Sid & Ed’s CD-i Sales. Isn’t that cute. Am assuming this would last for maybe 4 more months, until Sid was forced to adopt Ed’s line of work. Or who knows, maybe the two would go onto drive around town and pitching Atari Jaguars?