#but that it’s evident that the Horrible Incidents are taking a toll on me

[voltrons]

i have watched a wild amount of moomin in the past five days and to be honest it’s really the glue that’s holding me together

[glassartpeasants]

Dead to Me

Neito Monoma x Reader

Warnings: Angst, suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide, this gets dark so read at your own risk guys

A/N: Like i said this is one of the darker things iv’e wrote on this so blog so far. Not for the faint of heart.

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You sat in the cafeteria looking across the head of your fellow classmates to see your boyfriend Monoma sitting with his own class. You tried to catch his attention but it proved to be a failure.

“Well that didnt work...” You saw with a grumpy look on your face.

“Man how did you even end up dating him (y/n)? He’s an asshole to the entire Class of 1A!” Your friend Mina said as she gave you a little pout.

“I dont know he just ended up asking me out and now we’re dating!” You said happily. Even though Monoma could be a bit much sometimes you still loved him with your entire being.

You turn your head again to see to bright baby blue eyes looking at you. You smile and wave at him waiting for him to wave back. You hand slowly went down as you saw him laughing and pointing at you. 

You never head good self esteem so your mind immediately went to thinking that he was making fun of you. Your cheeky smile turning into a small frown as you glanced again to see him still laughing.

‘Maybe he’s just laughing at someone else?’ You thought to yourself, trying to convince your mind that he wouldnt make fun of you. He loved you...

Right?

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A few days after the cafeteria incident you had begun to notice that Monoma was starting to hang out with you less and less. You wanted to ask him about it but you didnt want to be seen as clingy. So you just suffered in silence as you watched him slowly drift away from you. Your head sending you all the signals to ask him, but your heart wanted to believe that there was a good reason to why he was doing it.

You were walking towards the 1A Class when some upperclassman decided it would be funny to pick on you.

“Wow would you look at this little baby! How did someone so usless get into a school such as UA?” Him and his buddies only laughed as you try to stutter out an insult. You turn your head towards the door and see Monoma walking out, you tried to get his attention, which worked this time but instead of helping you he only turned his head and walked towards his classroom. You turn your gaze back to the upperclassman before getting a quick slap to the face by one of them.

“Speak when spoken to bitch.”

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The bullying from the upperclassman had started to really take a toll on your mental health. You would try to do anything in your power to avoid them but they always found you. You wanted to tell the teachers but you were afraid they would believe you. They planted that thought in your brain as you slowly believed them.

You begged Monoma to walk you to class, hoping if he saw the fear in your eyes he would listen. Much to your dismay he didn’t.

You would always come to class with some sort of new bruise on your body. Everyone started to worry about you, they slowly started to think Monoma was abusing you. Which you said wasn’t the case. When asked who did it, you tensed up and froze in fear, worrying that they may be near.

You finally told someone about it when you were hanging out with Jirou. She had asked you what was going and you finally told her what was happening. And everything that has been happening with Monoma. She looked at you and gave you a nice bone crushing hug as she asked you why you didnt tell anyone.

“I was afraid they wouldn’t believe me..”

“Oh (v/n)...were going to report them. Im not standing by and watch as you get hurt!”

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A few weeks have passed since then and things were finally starting to be looking up! The upperclassmen who were bullying you had gotten expelled since, ‘bullying is not what hero’s do’. You were finally able to walk the halls with being in constant fear again. Your mental health still wasnt at its peak but it was slowly getting better!

But only one more thing still wasn’t looking brighter. And that was your relationship with Monoma. He kept on acting the same way, maybe even worse then before! As much as you hated the feeling you had started to grow bitter. Why was he ignoring you? What did you do to make him pissed at you?

You finally swallowed your anxiety and went up to talk to him. Taking a deep breath as you went up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. You were the only one’s in the hallway.

“Hey Monoma..did i..did i do something wrong?” You said trying to sound confident.

“What do you mean?” He asked. You sense a hint of smugness in his voice.

“Like you’ve been ignoring me all this week...what happened i thought we were doing-”

“Ah ah ah ah, im going to stop your right there. You see my dear our little ‘relationship’ was all but a dare.” Your eyes widen as sadness washed over you like a tidal wave. That couldn’t be tu\rue he said that he had loved you..was it all just a lie?

“W-what? B-b-but i thought y-you-”

“Well you thought wrong dear (y/n).” A snicker after his words. Your eyes swelled up with tears before pushing away from Monoma and running back to the dorms. Not caring if you missed class.

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You sat in your dorm, crying your soul out. You had loved him and told him secrets that no one else knew. You thought he truly loved you. The more you thought about it the more it hurt. You felt like your whole world came crashing down. Your tears burning your face as they kept coming.

Ding!

You looked down at your phone to see a text from Kirishima asking why you weren’t in class today. You could see the text message with it counting as reading it. You have to click on the app to do that. You throw your phone to the other side of your bed before laying back down and crying some more.

Once you woke up from your nap, the thoughts came rushing back again. What if they were just like Monoma? What if they were only your friends because of a dare too? 

All those thoughts running through your head at inhumane speeds, until one stayed still.

What if you just ended it?

Your heart stopped at the thought. Why would your brain even think about that? But no matter how hard you tried to forget the said thought more and more voices plowed there way through your head filling it with horrible thoughts. Slowly picking at your insecurities. Feasting on your every flaw. You slowly get up from your tear stained bed. And you look at yourself in the mirror.

Fat

Ugly

Worthless

All but a dare

The last thought hit you like a brick as you fall to the floor with your head in your knees.

Your quirk was called Frost. You pretty much had the power to manipulate Frost. Meaning everything you touched would become covered in an a sheet of ice. That why you had to wear gloves, kinda like Shigaraki you needed to have all five fingers on said target for your power to work.

You just stared at your hand, tracing over every curve and looking at it with deep intensity. Before you could do anything else you put all five fingers on your ankle, causing your ankle begin to have a sheet of ice covering it. The frost started to quickly spread around your body and onto the floor. You head you head in your knees as you felt your body heat lower, the Ice completely claiming your body as one. A single tear slipped down your face before your entire body and room was covered in a layer of ice. Your phone buzzing with texts from worried classmates.

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After class had ended practically the entire class of 1A ran to their dorms to find you. You never missed a class. 

As soon as they entire the dorms they all shivered. It had to be below zero in there. As they hugged themselves tightly they walked up to your room. As the tried to knock and upon the door they had realized the handle had been frozen solid. Bakugo having enough time worrying blasted the door open with his quirk. Everyone gasped as they saw your frozen form on the other side of the wall. They were quick to grab you out of the ice and bring you to Mr. Aizawa.

Once they reached him, he asked what happened. Which they all replied with i dont know. You were quickly taken to the nearest hospital everyone doing their best to thaw you out of your frozen cocoon.

Once at the hospital your body had been completely thawed out and was ready to be put in EC unit. You body temp was so low that they put every heater they had in the room.

The nurse looked at the class and told them that if they were a minute later you would have died from hypothermia.

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Monoma walked into school the next and was met with angry and ugly looks the entire time.

‘They hell did i do?’ He thought to himself. You never once crossed his mind. 

Liar

After he said those things to you the look of betrayal and sadness in your eyes shot a spike of guilt through his chest. Before he could say anything you had run out of the building. 

Now here he was the day after you got put in the hospital reciving ugly looks from everyone.

“Hey Kendo do you know what everyone is talking about?” The blonde boy asked his ginger friend.

“Wait, you didnt hear? (y/n) is in the hospital. Apparently they tried to commit suicide. Sad right?” A wave of guilt, sadness, and disgust completely takes over his body.

 How could he live with himself knowing what he did to you? That he made you take that dark path.

News Flash he couldn’t.

The next day the blonde boy walked up the he hospital you resided at and getting ready to see you.

Once he saw your lifeless form he dashed his way to the bed to slowly stroke your hair. Sitting on a chair to get closer to you before hearing you wake up.

You slowly turn to Monoma, your eyes once filled with happiness was now full of hate and disgust.

“What are you doing here?” You snapped at the boy. Disgust evident in your voice.

“i just came to say-” 

“Leave.”

“What?” Your words shushed him as he looked at you with wide eyes was he tried to grab your cheek to make you look at him.

“You heard me leave. I never want to see you again you understand Neito Monoma?” You looked him right in those blue eyes you use to love so much and said something you could never go back on.

“Your dead to me.”

[prorevenge]

Abuse my girlfriend? Ok.

I'm in a relationship with this beautiful, amazing girl. She has always been there for me - supported me through and through the toughest points of life; my academics, family problems, and even going as far to comfort and calm me down during episodes of my panic attack, which is difficult feat to acquire. Over time, I have stopped taking my antidepressants because life has become way easier thanks to her, and a couple of my best friends. I'm now a clean, young healthy man with several hobbies and socialises more easily with people, which is something that wasn't always the case. Mostly thanks to her. There's a lot to how this amazing girl changed my life and what issues that have been clear because of her, but this isn't what you came for. Needless to say, I love her.

Here's the fucked up part. Before she got into a relationship with me, she had a serious relationship with this scummy motherfucker we'll call RL: an abbreviation of his real name. RL dwarfed the definition of mistreatment with his actions against her; cheating on her constantly, stalking, sexual harassing and lastly, destroying her self esteem and tearing down her mental strength. Calling her fat, when she was of a perfectly healthy BMI, reducing her to borderline anorexia that worsened her anemic condition - at one point calling her a pig when he forcefully exposes her stomach in a secluded public area. Ignores her most of the time and only comes to her for intimacy. At one point, he followed her home against her own will when she has made clear she doesn't want that, appearing at the front doorstep of her apartment when she was with her girlfriends. Then cheating on her when she told him that her parents in actuality, did not allow him to enter the house and she was instead trying to defend their relationship.

A true definition of a fucktard of the highest order.

I'm not done yet. After cheating on her multiple times(also cheating on the girls she cheated on her with), he dumped her after found no more use of her; then spread rumours about how he was in the right, claiming that he had been ignored when she was the one constantly asking him to chat or hang, only to be left on read.

Fast forward a few months, and with no one else to fuck around with in his school, he turned to her. At the time, she was still confused over him and was in horrible mental instability due to the combination of the abusive relationship and stressful academics. So, she took him in, and they so called "made up". A few hours later, he went to another girl's house and made out with her, which at the time, she suspected but did not know and hence didn't confront him about it. As it turns out, he only got back to her because he wanted to go on his first ever third base with her. After 3 days of getting back with her, he once again paid no attention to her texts and then proceeds to slide his hand on her legs towards her no no zone. She pushed him back, and stormed out of the area.

The worst part was that she was the one who apologised.

As her birthday approached, she asked him to come down to her chalet party, to which he agreed. But no, this is indeed worse than the fact that she was the one who apologised. He dumped her on her birthday, left her in tears in the evening. Before doing so, he yanked her into a stairway and went second base with her, which was then interrupted as he asked for a break up. He also asked for a last kiss after breaking up with her, which she reluctantly gave.

She was left in tears for hours before she got over that scummy human being, and left with psychological torment of anxiety, trust issues and low self esteem all thanks to this jackass.

I remember seeing him that day at the party. I also remember really wanting to clock his jaw that it'd pop straight out and make him look like GradeAUnderA.

Queue the revenge: He thinks he's a tough guy. Underage smoker, underage drinker, illegal gambler, selling of contraband cigarettes/alcohol to minors and has a lot of his so called 'bad boy' friends who also share some of his vices. He would flaunt all of this on instagram, and some of the more fucked parts on his more private account which I found my access to. Casual, and classic morons who think with the so called glory that they so delusionally think they'd get but instead gets the polar opposite. This was something I did not include in my previously written post that I took down and if you two are viewing this story now, this wasn't the main revenge queue. Anyways, he thinks he's the shit and feared by many. I wasn't scared.

I compiled all evidences of his school rule breaking and illegal activities, as well as screenshots of his texts asking for sexual favours from 3 of his exes that I got into contact from friends owing me favours. I reported this activity police, as well as sending an angrily written email to the school about how he drunkenly took a piss at a void deck. Spread about his fucked up actions and conversations to some of my friends in his school and to the friends of mine inside of schools around his school. The word spread like wildfire, and the school and police was also alerted on the aforementioned activities.

He was suspended for months, caned, and sent to a rehabilitation centre as well as the boys' home for corrective training and community service. His parents are also now divorced partially due to this incident. He was fined by the health and national environment agency for underage smoking and alcohol consumption. His schoolwork has taken a huge toll and he has essentially zero friends because of all of the rumours. A small act more, and he will be expelled from the school as a build up to the previous incident. Not forgetting to mention, he sabotaged his other friends for illegal gambling, so he's going to have a nice time when he eventually comes face to face with them - as I found out from one of my buddies in his school.

There was another more brutal part of the revenge that I had written here centering around that aspect, not this. This is a side effect to the true story that happened that I didn't want to write out.

Don't fuck with my girl. Don't psychologically torment someone because it can leave them scarred for life. You could've left her suicidal for all I know.

I hope you read this one day, motherfucker.

TL;DR I got my girlfriend's ex in severe consequences because of the abuse he put her through.

(source) story by (/u/horsefucker88)

[scripttorture]

So, I’m writing a fanfic and in the show, people with powers are forced to join a Mafia. One character talks about helping to torture enemies. Eventually, they stop torturing and do see what they did as wrong (among other crimes they committed before defecting from crime). How might someone differ if they’d been forced to harm others as opposed to starting it on their own? And eventually they see violence as necessary in the Mafia but don’t thrive on it. How would I make this realistic?

I’ll help as much as I can, but I think sometimes source materials canleave fans in a pretty awkward position.

 Ifeel like that review of the use of torture in Captain America: The WinterSoldier is relevant here.

 By which I mean that sometimes, if we’re choosing to write fanfiction orcreate fanworks, we need to engage with and deal with problematic elements inthe source material. I can cover that in more depth if I know the sourcematerial (it’s worth mentioning a name but also giving details of the situationin case it’s something I haven’t seen).

 There are elements of this canon that seem…if not unrealistic then‘dubious’. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that there might not be a wayto make this totally realistic because of the canon you’re working within. Butthat’s really not on you. How you engage with it in your own work is.

 I don’t think there’s necessarily one ‘right’ way to approachproblematic canons. As with any writing it depends on the story.

 Some people just ignore or rewrite the canon for their story. Somepeople stick to it and change their story around the canon. Some peopletechnically stick to it but twist it as much as possible to support the storythey want to tell.

 None of those are ‘bad’ approaches in and of themselves though I thinkthey can be ‘bad’ for particular stories.

 The thing that’s standing out for me is the idea of someone being forcedto torture. Because from the details you’ve given……..it sounds like a narrativecop out. It gives me the impression that the creators wanted people tosympathise with this character andhave them do horrible things so they wrote a very lazy abuse narrative where thecharacter doesn’t have moral responsibility because they ‘had to’.

 I don’t think attempting a cheap sympathy grab for a torturer is ever a good idea.

 No ever has to.

 The idea that this character needed to be forced but at the same time didn’t regard tortureas wrong seems especially off kilter to me. It seems to come with theimplication that participating in torture ‘made them’ think it was OK. Andthat’s not how torture works.

 You really can’t force someone to change their mind. We can’t be forcedto think that something we find abhorrent is ‘alright’.

 People can be pressured but ultimately they make a choice. That choicetells you something about what they value. Some of those choices might be moreunderstandable to society at large: a great many would probably empathise witha character who choose to do something horrible because their own life or thelife of someone they loved was threatened.

 Do attacks like that happen? Yesbut they’re usually one off incidents within a larger context of torture, abuseand genocide.

 That’s because this is a really badway to have an organisation operate. If you need to threaten or torture yourtorturer every single time you want them to do something you may as well lockthem up and just employ the person you usedto threaten them.

 There’s leeway here, though it partly depends on the character andhow…wedded you are to the idea that they’re a good person ‘really’.

 The first thing that comes to mind is removing the element of force.This doesn’t necessarily mean the character decided they wanted to torturepeople. They were put in an environment where torture occurred regularly. Theysaw this and they realised that theythought they were less likely to end up as a victim if they became a torturertoo. (In reality this isn’t really the case but that’s another subject-)

 The character then managed to escape from that environment- defectingfrom crime. They’re no longer in such a threatening situation and suddenlytheir past actions might be a problem. What previously kept them ‘safe’ nowputs them in danger. So they twist the truth and say they ‘had to’, they wereforced.

 It’s not their fault ‘because’ they were afraid too.

 You could also probably write it as them making a conscious choice, notout of fear but because they thought joining the torturers would allow them toescape more quickly. That’s a smart and ruthless decision which, if it fits thecharacter, could also easily be tied into them outright lying about their rolein this ‘Mafia’.

 Another possibility is using the idea that they were threatened or hurtthemselves before attacking others. That they chose to torture to avoid beingtortured. But I think then you should stress just how useless that would be.The character would be less physically capable of torturing because of theirown injuries. Other character would have to ‘waste time’ doing this repeatedly.It would take a massive toll on the character’s physical and mental health-

 I wish I could come up with more scenarios but I feel as if the canonhas hobbled you in that regard.

 As for the effects- well this does come back to issue of ‘force’.Because realistically the more likely scenario isn’t ‘forced’ but ‘pressured’.

 There’s less scientific study of torturers generally. And torturersaren’t, as a rule, ‘forced’ to do what they do.

 If there are differences I don’t have any sources that cover them.

 I suspect that there wouldn’t be a lot of differences though. Theunderlying mechanism that we think causes symptoms in torturers would act regardlessof whether the torturer wanted to torture. It would act on someone who wasn’ttorturing but had to stand in the same room while the torturers were there.

 We think that torturers areaffected for the same reasons that people who witness traumatic eventssometimes are. Witnessing violence against human beings repeatedly istraumatic. It creates an automatic response in our brains that we can neithercontrol nor reduce. And no amount of belief changes the way we’re wired.

 So- perhaps predictably- the effects are going to be exactlythe same ones discussed in the Masterpost here.

 And looking at the Masterpost again has actually given me one finalidea.

 Memory problems are incredibly common in torture victims. They’re rarelyportrayed in fiction and when they are portrayed they’re not usually used accurately.

 Victims often have trouble remembering new information in an everydaycontext (forgetting appointments, keys, tasks at work etc). They sometimes havememory loss surrounding their torture (this is not commonly of the tortureitself but events immediately before and after though forgetting the tortureitself can happen). They often have intrusive memories, very vivid memories ofbeing tortured that are triggered by everyday things causing great distress.

 But the last major category of memory problems they experience is false memories.

 One of the experiments I’ve read on pain and memory really highlightedthis. They had a ‘high stress’ interrogation group who were asked to identifytheir interrogator the next day. Between 51-68% of them identified the wrongperson (the variation is down to which methods was used to id the interrogator).

 They were pointing to the wrong person and completely convinced theywere correct.

 In a torture context this effect can cause a lot of problems forprosecutors. Victims are oftenconfused about timings and about who exactly did what. They might also givecontradictory accounts of things like the rooms they were held in or really anydetails surrounding torture.

 So my suggestion is this- if this character chose to torture and was thenabused by someone within this organisation it’s perfectly possible that theymight come away believing their abuser ‘forced’ them to do it.

 It would be unusual, but this sort of memory problem can operate in thisway.

 You could suggest it in your writing by having the character giveinconsistent accounts of what happened to them, or by having what they saycontradicted by other people who were there.

 Discovering that they have false memories would be incrediblydistressing and the character might insist that their memories are all accurateand that other people are lying, or that video evidence etc ‘didn’t happen’.

 Whichever option you chose to go with (including just accepting thecanon, which is not particularly realistic but is a valid choice for fan fiction) the character would havesymptoms associated with being a torturer.

 Pick somewhere between 3-5 from the Masterpost and try to show themconsistently throughout the story. The character would probably learn to copewith and navigate their symptoms over time but that’s not the same thing as thesymptoms vanishing.

 For a fanfic I’d look to the canon to see if there’s any suggestion ofparticular trauma symptoms, however poorly handled. For instance if I waswriting a Marvel fanfic I’d probably choose to give Tony Stark addictionproblems because multiple canons have him struggling with alcoholism. If I waswriting Voltron I might choose to give Keith mood swings and show Shirodissociating, because again that seems to fit what the canon shows of thecharacter’s reactions.

 Beyond that my advice is the same as for any other fiction: choosesymptoms that you feel add something to the story or character. Things thatfurther the narrative and provide interesting challenges.

 I hope that helps. And if you’d like to discuss this story in moredetail feel free to send in more questions when the ask box reopens. :)

Disclaimer

[softforyj]

wooshin’s mental health and another rant that nobody asked for

so as most of you have probably heard, wooshin is taking a break from activities due to his mental health in order to get the time he needs to rest and recover. top media stated that his condition has worsened due to stress from the past year, and while this could have been a long standing issue or a recent development, there are certainly actions done that have added to it. if you may recall, last year there was an incident involving him and jeon somi where he was accused of touching her chest in a video. this turned out to be a completely false accusation and you can read my thoughts on it here. despite there being glaring evidence against wooshin touching somi, many people took to the internet accusing wooshin of sexual harassment and telling him to die. these people bombarded wooshin with hate and ugly words, even going as far as flooding the comments section of one of up10tion’s vlives with hate and death threats. the backlash was extreme, hateful, overwhelming, and above all baseless. a poor camera angle and a the refusal of people to listen to reason ignited so much hate and nastiness. whether or not wooshin’s break is due to this incident, it certainly wasn’t anything but detrimental to his mental health. as i said before, telling someone to die Is Not Okay. wooshin was affected by these comments to the point where you could tell constantly just by looking at him that he was upset. each horrible word and threat took such a toll on him that you could see it outwardly. and all for what? nothing. wooshin didn’t touch somi and you can see it from the video, you can read it in the statements made by each party. the entire situation was a misunderstanding, but these people couldn’t bring themselves out of their hateful state for a single second to see that. the words that had been thrown at wooshin make me sick, and were something he never should have had to endure. the fact that he’s in a rough enough place mentally to have to take a break, makes me so upset, and i can’t shake the feeling that it’s in part to the disguising comments he had to endure. all we can hope for as fans is for wooshin to recover and for people to never treat him like this again.