#but that doesn't stop me chewing through concrete about my boy :))))

[the--highlanders]

back on my phantom piper nonsense but like. I WISH it was clearer on why exactly jamie had a shard implanted when two's so set against them, and was able to talk his way out of having one himself (without letting on that he's not human)

like. the implant itself clearly wasn't consensual on jamie's part, given that he had to be held down and sedated. and yet he's both aware that he has the shard, obviously, and that two /doesn't/. but he doesn't seem to have a problem with that, at least not while the shard is implanted and potentially affecting him. it's definitely convenient for two to use him as a case study in trying to prove that the shards should be investigated, but that just. never comes up.

and that's such a shame!!! because it's /interesting!!/ especially given that this is post-evil of the daleks, i.e. their big breakdown over two using and manipulating jamie rather than telling him what's going on. two being able to avoid having a shard himself but not sparing jamie just seems odd - but if they'd made the decision to investigate in tandem by letting jamie have a shard, then why did jamie fight the operation? what did that achieve? on the flip side, if he didn't agree to it, he's super calm about the whole thing compared to evil - so either he's wildly ooc and lacking agency, or he's had a major shift in his boundaries and how much he's willing to challenge two. and the audio never takes the time to show us any of that.

[butimnotasexyrussian]

1, 2, 7, 13, 18, 27, and 30. :D

So it turns out that I can only access my inbox from mobile because when I log in through desktop, Tumblr still says I have no asks, which is so fucking annoying but we're making do.

Anyway.

From the unique writing asks post:

1. What themes would you like to write about that you feel don't get explored very often?

I think it's the nature of fanfic that most people that stumble across stuff I've written are looking for romantic pairings, which is great because if I've written for them, it means their dynamic makes me want to chew concrete and I love being able to share that with readers! But as someone on the ace/aro spectrum (we're still figuring this out), I think it would be really interesting to explore themes of asexuality and/or aromanticism through characters in a respectful and meaningful way. I don't think I'm at the point in my personal development where I can do that quite yet, but I'd love to some day.

2. What are some common elements of stories you are tired of seeing? What would you avoid writing about?

This one's a tough one because I'm genuinely pretty open to whatever. Like whenever I'm like, hmm don't think I like that, something will come up and inevitably prove me wrong. I didn't think I'd ever be into cheating, but then there's like every canon Roisa fic ever. Also Rose being Luisa's stepmother is still weird but hasn't stopped me.

Oh, one trope I do hate though is magic babies. I spend most of my time in wlw fics and while I'm fine with adoption fics, I hate it when someone in a wlw couple magically ends up pregnant and everyone's weirdly happy about this and no one is freaking out about it. It just doesn't do it for me. It's a huge commitment and the fact that a biological baby is like the "next step" to fulfillment in their relationship and doesn't strain it at all is so icky to me.

7. Favorite description in your wip?

I am literally so bad at descriptions but please enjoy this brief excerpt from my gap princess diaries 2 au I haven't updated in a year lol.

Mon fidgets for a bit before Sam takes off her suit coat and drapes it around her shoulders.

"Oh," Mon says. Sam's wearing suspenders and that distracts her. It takes her a while to remember to say, "Thank you."

"You looked cold."

She was not cold. It's actually a pretty mild night. Mon does not mention this as she pulls the coat tighter around herself. It smells fresh, vaguely like saltwater air.

13. What traits do you share with your original characters or what traits do you wish you shared with them?

I think whenever I do end up writing original characters, they're always like plucky sidekicks who are only there to give the protagonists a kick in the ass. I'd like to be able to not overthink as much and just see the situation clearly and tell it to people as bluntly as my OC's seem to.

18. What writers have inspired you with their use of language? What are some of your favorite quotes?

It's been so long since I've read anything so my mind is blanking right now, but I'm always amazed by how much feeling poets can put into their words. I remember sobbing throughout Ocean Vuong's On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous. The older I get, the more I identify with everything Mary Oliver has written ever. My mentally ill boy Kafka is always a mood. I wish I could remember anything any of these people have ever written but I have nothing but dryer fluff in my head. I'm sorry.

27. Do you have playlists for your wip? What are some of the songs in it?

Sorry, I usually don't have playlists for writing! I should actually start though because it has gotten me over writer's block a couple times, but for the most part, I just play whatever song I'm currently obsessed with. My ADHD means that I tune the lyrics out and I'm just vibing with the beat, although if I loop a song enough times while writing, every time I hear that song afterwards, I'll always associate it with the process of writing that fic, which is pretty cool. I don't think I've written anything over the past twelve months, but my current song on repeat is Animal by VEAUX if you wanna check it out!

30. What is some of the best writing advice you've read or received? Why does it work for you?

The thing about advice for me is that I'm always seeking it out and hoarding it like wow, I bet this would work for me and then...not doing anything to implement it. One thing I did end up using though, is from a Tumblr post that was like, "order everything in your sentences the way a movie scene would play out so the emotional punch comes at the end, like she came into the kitchen, saw the creeping puddle of blood, and discovered her brother's body." I'm paraphrasing obviously because no one can find anything on this hellsite, but this really made me realize that I kinda just threw everything together and hoped it made sense (once again, probably due a little bit to the ADHD). I'm not sure if anyone's even noticed, but I like to think it's made my writing a bit more coherent and easier to follow.

Thanks for asking! I'm love you!

[zwoelffarben]

I can already tell you from the picture that the lumber ain't weather treated. That's naked lumber (weather treated lumber is a different color because of the treatment).

You can also see that the railing's posts ain't sunk into the ground but mounted on the stairs' flats, which is a recipe for disaster, compounded by the fact the lumber ain't treated an is therefore liable to warp.

As for how it's mounted, it looks like the guy used 2x4 for his stairs's ground contact, which is a big no-no. Nothing holding any weight should be less than a 4x4 because while 4x4's can warp, the thicker the wood the more resistant to warping it is overall. They definitely weren't dug deep enough (more on that later) He doesn't have stablizing sideboards, his boards are warped and unlevel, I'll say that about from this picture right now as others hedge their bets about it.

The joinery's ammaturish too; he didn't even round the top board which is a problem.

And, it doesn't look like there's any concrete, which isn't into and of itself technically a problem at this scale of build: It just makes the build higher maitainence, and depending on the climate prohibitately higher maitainence.

... So now, storytime, and this is how I know those supports ain't dug deep enough.

When I was doing my eagle scout project, which was to build a wooden structure of about that size, the materials did cost about $550, I've got the accounting still, down to the bag of peanut m&m's one of my people bought with project funds to eat on the job.

Thankfully all the labour was volunteer, (I also still have the paperwork accounting it), because it was all told 500 hours across 20 people, most of which went into digging ten post holes six feet deep on the 10% grade. It would have cost me over 3600 to pay my volunteers the US federal minimum wage and over 36,000 to pay them a reasonable wage because minimum wage is a fucking joke in this country.

And see, the thing about post digging on a grade that you gotta understand is you ain't digging ever post to six from where its starts and calling it done. No. It's measured six feet from the bottom of the grade, yeah. Here's a diagram demonstrating the principle and a modification of OP's picture showing what it'd mean for the guy's work.

The post we dug at the top of the grade had to go eight feet down. Our posthole diggers (like most market posthole diggers) were designed to make six-foot holes because no one needs an eight foot hole unless their building to code on a grade or their absolutely bonkers, and at that point get a drill yeah?

On that note, whiy didn't we just rent a drill and cut that labor time down. And see, we tried that. It cost $300 a day to rent the drill. Underneath the first few inches of top soil was a layer of clay and underneth that were rocks that if we tried to auto-digger through woulda chewed up our drill's bit. So, because of the composition of the hill we had to do it by hand. We managed to negociate a partial refund on the rental because we returned it nearly immediately, around the time we hit the second rock.

That's all to say that looking at this monstrousity of a build, it was a fucking deathtrap with prohibitively hight maitainence costs, the city was correct to remove it, and in the amount of time it'd take one guy to set these up properly someone woulda stopped him to ask if he had a permit.

...

So, the moral of the story then, is the correct move for someone that wants something built on public land and wants it to stick, woulda been to find himself some local boy scout youth (~15-17 yo) looking for an eagle scout project (or the equivalent situation in girl scouts or venture scouts; I don't know enough about them to comment on specifics), present it as a potential eagle project, help the scout petition the city to permit the scout to organize building the thing, and then suddenly because it's volunteer work, the labor is free or discounted, because its a charitable cause corporations will throw money at the project for tax cuts, and because part of the project (for something like this) is working with the cityplanners and documenting everything, city still gets a say in the design and documentation that it's all up to code.

I'm more than happy to rag on the BSA, theyr an organization with a lot of problems yeah, and I'll admit that to anyone who didn't ask. But, if ever you need something in your community built, and the city says is prohibatively expensive to do it properly, check your local troops to see if some scout is in need of a project and willing to get it done yeah? Then it's just a matter of convincing the city to let the kid do the thing instead of convincing the city to pay for the thing.

[tastethegrace]

Analysis from Week 1 - Thomas Merton

I'm going to try to compile my notes this week into a brief reflection for each section of the passage.

“What is serious to men is often very trivial in the sight of God. What in God might appear to us as "play" is perhaps what he Himself takes most seriously."

I kept coming back to this quote every couple of days. This speaks to the great inversion of values, the difference between humans and God. I love how what God takes seriously is what might appear to humans as "play." Consider what this means. The first thing that came to my mind was...God has fun. And he takes his fun seriously. That might be obvious, but it's worth noticing. The second thing is that, considering what humans consider "play," this seems to refer to reveling in the moment, matters of the heart, matters of patterns, music, dance, joy, laughter...everything that makes life worth living. God is a God of play.

At any rate, the Lord plays and diverts Himself in the garden of His creation, and if we could let go of our own obsession with what we think is the meaning of it all, we might be able to hear His call and follow Him in His mysterious, cosmic dance.

What I found fascinating here was that God seems to set the tone by playing himself. Then, he invites us to play with him. We just don't hear him because we're too busy trying to figure out why creation is the way it is.

This reminds me a lot of Ted Dekker's books. In several, a Jesus figure is written as a boy, full of mischief and fun, but also full of uncommon depth and compassion.

We do not have to go very far to catch echoes of that game, and of that dancing. When we are alone on a starlit night; when by chance we see the migrating birds in autumn descending on a grove of junipers to rest and eat; when we see children in a moment when they are really children; when we know love in our own hearts; or when, like the Japanese poet Bashō we hear an old frog land in a quiet pond with a solitary splash--at such times the awakening, the turning inside out of all values, the "newness," the emptiness and the purity of vision that make themselves evident, provide a glimpse of the cosmic dance.

I love this section. Echoes of that dancing. As St. John of the Cross put it, "We realize that the Beloved has passed this way in haste...we see traces of the divine." All of these moments, whether they be the natural processes of creation, a momentary realization of pure innocence, or a window into real love...all of these things are traces of the divine.

I love the words Merton chooses here to describe all these moments....awakening, the turning inside out of all values, the newness, the emptiness and the purity of vision... On that last one, emptiness seems less to be about absence and more about patience. I only say this because it's easy to think about emptiness as someone taking something away...but I think it's more like a blank canvas. It's pure. It's waiting to be filled.

For the world and time are the dance of the Lord in emptiness. The silence of the spheres is the music of a wedding feast. The more we persist in misunderstanding the phenomena of life, the more we analyze them out into strange finalities and complex purposes of our own, the more we involve ourselves in sadness, absurdity and despair. But it does not matter much, because no despair of ours can alter the reality of things; or stain the joy of the cosmic dance which is always there. Indeed, we are in the midst of it, and it is in the midst of us, for it beats in our very blood, whether we want it to or not.

This section really got to me.

The first two lines really focus on the poetry of creation. How the world itself is the dance of the Lord. How the silence of the stars, sun and moon overhead is the music. How beautiful that is to think about! The heavenly bodies themselves sing in silence to accompany the Lord's dance, which is in fact, the Earth spinning and moving, teeming with life.

The middle section is interesting as well. Humans often misunderstand the phemonoma around us. We come up with "strange finalities" and "complex purposes of our own." I love these phrases. We think we've reached the end when we haven't scratched the surface. We make complex what is so simple. We force the purposes to be human-centered, when they are far more universal. We make what is big small, and what is small, big.

It is the end that got me hard. No despair we can possibly have can alter REALITY. No despair can stain the JOY of the DANCE, always there. It BEATS in our BLOOD, whether we WANT IT TO OR NOT. A few things here: I love this proclamation that the Dance will keep going, whether or not we acknowledge it. The Dance itself is reality. But not only are we the midst of this grand, cosmic movement in time, but that dance also moves through us. It is in the midst of us. It beats in our blood whether we want it to or not. I freaking love this visceral, physical image. Our circulatory system, our cells, our heartbeat...all of it is to the rhythm of the dance. And we can't stop it from doing so.

Yet the fact remains that we are invited to forget ourselves on purpose, cast our awful solemnity to the winds and join in the general dance.”

When someone forgets themselves, they do something that is not characteristic of them, or forget where they are/who they are with. Basically, it's usually by accident, and it's usually embarrassing. However, we are invited to do this on purpose and join in with what the rest of creation is already doing.

This reminds me of David dancing naked in the streets, and how pelased God was.

I have other notes I'm going to include here that are from Jim Finley's discussion of the text. I pulled so much from here that was important.

1. Merton once said at a talk that Creation was never a one-time thing. It happens all the time. Creation is absolute and perpetual. So, ultimately speaking, the infinite presence of God is pouring itself out, giving itself away, and presencing itself as the intimate immediacy of our very presence, the presence of others, and the presence of all things, which are nothingness without God.

--I have been chewing on this all week. Creation is absolute, meaning that it is total, without qualifications. Creation is also perpetual, meaning that it never ends. If you consider that it is the presence of God that creates, wouldn't that mean that his very presence is what sustains us? And what is another word for presence? Intimacy. Love. So therefore, the Love of God is what sustains us (more on this next).

--When we see intimate presence, whether in ourselves, other people, or in nature, that's because God is pouring his love out on that thing, always being present to it and through it. His love is the whole reason it exists in the first place.

2. “You are nothing -- absolutely nothing-- outside and other than the love of God giving itself to you as your very life. But it is your very nothingness without God that makes your presence to be the presence of God. That’s the paradox that lies at the heart of all reality, which then renders that the universe is God’s body -- embodying forth the love that is uttering it into being.”

--Jim Finley went on to use the following example. "If God stopped loving you when I counted to three, on three, you would cease to exist." God doesn't just create once and then make sure it keeps going, he creates every single breath, every single movement of cells, everything in me that grows, everything in me that dies...it's all a new outpouring of his love. Every breath is a new creation.

--I LOVE this idea that all of creation is an embodiment of the love of God. It brings concreteness to something abstract so that it can be grasped, at least in some form.

3. “In God, we live and move and have our being.” - Acts 17:28 “We’re living our life in the vast interiority of God, pouring herself out and giving herself away, as every breath, heartbeat, and passing moment of our lives.”

--First, this is a moment where God is referred to in the feminine. Again, I love that so much. It's beautiful. "Pouring out" is an action that is especially powerful when God is viewed as a mother.

--The idea that I am living within God's love, that it is so vast that it covers me, surrounds me, and penetrates within me...it makes me realize how hard it is to remember it.

--Jim gave the following example: Imagine that you lived in a mansion, but due to an unfortunate mental condition, you thought you lived in a tent behind the garage. A therapist might say to you, "I would never lie to you about this. You actually live in the mansion." And then you say, "No, I couldn't. I don't even feel worthy to go inside that place." This example SLAYED me, because it is me. It's why earlier in the week, I was surprised by how much anger and resistance was aroused by this meditation. It's like something in me recognized the implications of this before my mind did. I reacted as though I did not want the mansion to reach me. I didn't want the love of God to touch and embrace that thing within me that I hate so much. This week has been about learning to relent and receive in that way.

I am a blind man that, every now and then, is awakened to the reality that I live in the mansion of God's love, but then I go blind again. I forget. I cannot abide in it as I wish to. Which leads me to the next point.

4. “We are to put our faith in the love that is giving itself to us in our inability to abide in it. In my inability to abide in it, it abides in me, precious in my confusion and wayward ways.”

--In my weakness, he is strong. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

--The image that it is in the very fact that I am unable to abide in God, that God, that God abides in me even more...I am secure, even when I'm not. I am always held. God is relentless. God loves weakness. That thing I hate? God embraces it. Oh, sweet weakness! You are precious in the sight of God. My confusion is precious in the sight of God. My wayward ways are precious in the sight of God. Why? Because in my weakness, he covers me. The strength and light of his love protects me. His grace guides me. In my heart, I am a child, and God is my mother. I am the lost sheep that he finds over and over again, rejoicing every time. In my own strength, I am nothing. But in my NOTHINGNESS, I am everything, for God dwells in THAT place. k

Things that have challenged me this week:

- The idea that all of creation doesn't just testify to God's presence, goodness, and love, but that it in and of itself is divine, because God is dancing. When he dances, things come to life. His dance is a dance of love. Which leads me to my next challenging idea.

- I am God. Let me clarify this. I am not God himself. There is a separateness in identity. But I am divine in the sense that I am created in and through the love of God, constantly, all the time. I am One and always endeavoring to be more One with God. We are unified in that love. God makes me every moment and says, "It is very good."

These ideas push hard against what I've grown up with: an understanding that I am a lowly sinner that is totally undeserving. Here's the thing, though. I know that I am undeserving of God's grace. But I am not lowly. My righteousness is not as filthy rags. That might be what the biblical writers thought of themselves, but that is not what God thinks of me at all.

Perhaps it is good to begin in a place of understanding our humble place in the vast cosmos and our redemptive need for God's grace so that we do not grow entitled. But I think that I'm now beginning to grow up in my faith. I'm just beginning to embrace the constant newness, inversion, and divine nature that comes with being called a saint and a son of God. These things are true of us now. Right now. Yet I have been blind to see the fruit. I just want to breathe it all in, all of the goodness, all of the love of God, and keep breathing it. I want to see it move. I want to see the hidden things, the mysteries, unfold before my eyes in the smallest of ways. I want to dance with God. I want to know the steps. I want to laugh with him, and I want him to hold me as I cry with him. He is everywhere, and he is in me. I am one piece of his nature, completely unique, and yet totally Him.

All of this stuff may not hit you the way it's hitting me, and that's okay. I'll probably forget it this time next week.

But God is good, God is gracious, and God is Love. And so I will be grateful that He has opened my eyes, even for a few moments, to see just how big His love and His grace actually are.