#but tbh there’s just … no way i’m gonna be able to convince myself to gain weight unless i can justify it by bulking

[disengaged]

okkkkkkk . time to get back into weightlifting 🫠

[hismercytomyjustice]

Jesus Christ writing dance scenes is fucking HARD. I’m pretty happy with how they’re turning out but SWEET WOUNDED JESUS I am not a dancer and I know fuck all about it.

…god the amount of fucking research I have yet again done for a crack fic…

I say this like I should even be remotely surprised at this point. That train left the fucking station so fast it’s like it was never even in it.

Fucking hours and hours and hours of research.

And the worst part? I HAVE LOVED EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF IT.

One of the things I love most about researching (aside from having an excuse to seek out and hoard absolutely fucking pointless information) is that it always gives me so many fucking ideas that I then get to try to weave in.

I will be SO SAD when the research for this fic comes to an end. It has been SUCH A JOY.

That is until I fucking start on the even crack-ier part three.

Because I’ve already decided I’m writing more shit that is WILDLY self-indulgent and ~nobody~ can fucking stop me!!!! Write the stupid crack you wanna see in the world amirite?

Fuck I have the absolute STUPIDEST idea for a plot and scene for part three and that alone is driving me to keep going. I just need to finish part two so I can be FREE. I am SO CLOSE to being finished. I really hope I finally finish it tomorrow.

Honestly idk what people are gonna think of it. It’s my first attempt at writing from Alastor’s POV and I’m also doing some shit I’ve never done before that idk how people will respond to it. BUT NOTHING VENTURED NOTHING GAINED. And I’m so proud of it and tbh that’s all that really matters, isn’t it?

…I still also gotta finish writing my BG3 fic to…BUT I have a few weeks of buffer on that so…. I’m feeling the urge to throw some more words down on it too, so hopefully I’ll be able to wrap it up soon. It is so fucking close to being done. Maybe another 15k-20k words. I can knock that out pretty quick if I get in the zone. And I already have it planned out. Jesus Christ is it gonna wind up being 100k??? SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM MYSELF.

Fucking hell it has hit 90 subs tho and that is such a wild fucking number and it just blows me the fuck away. Like 90 people like this fic enough to want updates as it comes out?! FUCKING FOR REAL?! There are N I N E T Y people out there who were like “ooh yeah I wanna keep reading this” and it’s something I wrote (?!) and if I think about it too much I get a little panicky but I am also so fucking grateful and humbled that my silly story has pulled in so many people and I feel so fucking #blessed about it all.

(ಥ﹏ಥ) I keep half expecting to check my stats and see everyone has come to their senses and unsubscribed, but it hasn’t happened yet and the number keeps going up and omg omg omg!!! It is UNREAL and SO FUCKING AMAZING!

God I still cannot believe how much fucking fun I’m having writing again after becoming pretty much convinced I might never be able to feel that way again. I was so scared that spark in me had finally fucking died or something and I was so depressed about it. BUT IT DIDN’T! It feels like a fucking dream. I love it so much. I have wanted to feel this way again about writing for so fucking long and it’s finally back and I’m terrified I’ll lose the excitement again but I’m really hoping I can stave off my OCD and keep going. I really don’t want to lose it again. I just want to keep writing and enjoying it whether it’s fanfic or original stuff or otherwise.

GOD I FUCKING MISSED WRITING SO FUCKING MUCH.

I know I am being WILDLY fucking obnoxious and annoying about it and my OCD keeps telling me to SHUT THE FUCK UP about it because I am probably driving people nuts, making everyone on the face of the planet hate me, etc etc etc. But that’s why I gush so much on here about it because I figure no one has to fucking read this shit unless they for some unknown reason actually would want to and people can mute and unfollow and block me if they are at their wits end but I hope putting most of my unhinged ramblings under cuts makes it so I’m only like 50% ridiculously obnoxious instead of 100% but who fucking knows. I would not blame a soul for getting sick of seeing my username popping up on their dash when I am in a hardcore rambling or reblogging mood.

I am just so fucking incandescently happy about it all and I am trying SO HARD not to drive the people in my life insane by talking about how excited I am to be writing again nonstop so I’m just talking to myself nonstop on here instead and just letting myself fucking enjoy the process and the excitement I have around it all. And god I KNOW I AM BEING SO FUCKING OBNOXIOUS despite everything but my therapist has also been encouraging me to just feel my feelings without judgment so… FEELINGS. They are being felt! Hopefully only 50% obnoxiously for any innocent bystanders.

Idk why it is so much easier to journal regularly on tumblr than on Penzu or elsewhere but it is and it’s working for me and if it makes everyone on the face of the planet block my annoying ass, so be it. I already spend too much of my fucking life second guessing every single thing I say or do and I’m gonna take my cringe wins where I fucking can. And I feel less self-conscious and annoying yelling into the void of tumblr, SO HERE WE ARE.

Fffffuck you OCD! (ง •̀_•́)ง I will also take my little mental illness wins where I fucking can, goddammit!!! And idk why venting about it on tumblr helps so much but it fucking does so. VENT I SHALL.

[lunarnoona5342]

So I had a second attempt at a Pokémon X nuzlocke and beat it this time

For those who don't know, a nuzlocke is a self-enforced game mode of Pokémon where you can only catch the first Pokémon you encounter on a route, you must nickname them to encourage closeness, and if the Pokémon faint in battle, they are dead: you can no longer use them. I added an extra rule onto the route rule: I can catch the first Pokémon that comes from a rock smash on a route, since that's something that can rarely be done on routes anyway, and also I'm prone to killing Pokémon so I needed a fighting chance at this. With the rules sorted, we can move onto my second attempt at a nuzlocke (with my best friend Mar (@serpentine-fxrtune) beside me to help name my Pokémon and mock my dead ones with bonus friends Bread and Ariel (@catboy5000))

I played as a male named Takehiko because me, Mar, and a couple other friends have a Pokémon fan project thing going on between us and Takehiko is one of my characters who is Kalosian. When I was offered to be nicknamed Big T at the beginning of the game, I could not refuse. I picked Froakie to be my starter and already had naming issues, so I consulted Mar for a nickname. She suggested the French word for frog, and I just went with it because, yanno, Kalos is based on France. And so, I gained my first Pokémon, Grenouille. I go to route 2 and encounter the obligatory Pidgey (which doesn't count as my first encounter, I don't have any Pokéballs at this point) and sit through Serena teaching me to catch Pokémon (who btw I forgot existed in this game) by talking to Mar about something I remembered.

Me: I just wanna talk about SKZ's English names, specifically Changbin's name. Like it's normal, it's just Lewis, but CHAN TRIED TO CONVINCE HIM TO BE CALLED BARTHOLOMEW, THAT'S LIKE IF I TRIED TO GIVE BREAD AN ARABIC NAME AND CHOSE TO NAME HIM ABDUL RAHMAN, THAT'S NOT EASY TO SAY.

Me: Should I name my first Pokémon Bartholomew, for what Changbin could have been?

Mar, ever the enabler: Sure, I can't really stop you.

So I named the Weedle I caught Bartholomew, and proceeded into Santalune forest.

So we move on (and I'm just ignoring rival battles because they're just not it) and out to route 3, where I caught a Fletchling. Following on from my SKZ English names talk from earlier, I named the bird Sky, because Seungmin's English name is cute goddammit. So when I got to Santalune, I ran into a problem: I had no Pokémon that could be super effective against Viola. I head over to route 22 nearby after grabbing the roller skates to try and get Riolu for a first encounter. Instead of that, I got a Bunnelby.

Me: You are not Riolu... so you shall be named Not Riolu.

So instead of fretting over the type advantage Viola had on me, I chose to grind for higher levels to beat her Pokémon up with power instead; this is when the first casualty came in.  Sky, the poor child, got killed by a Riolu using counter because peck didn't do the job of making it faint. Sky was the first to join the graveyaed (yes this is how I spelled it in game). Sky, though you were technically not Seungmin since you were female, you will be missed.

Also forgot to mention: Batholomew is a female too. Moving on-

So after spending a long time grinding, being a bit more careful this time, I finally felt like I was ready for Viola, and I was. I swept the floor with her, Grenouille carrying the team as he was a higher level than the rest. Upon reaching Viola's sister, Alexa, before route 4, I got an exp share, and then she reminded me of what happened in my first attempt at the nuzlocke.

Me: *says a thing about something being sad*

Me and Mar, at the same time: Alexa, play Despacito.

Mar: Name the Pokémon you catch on this route Despacito.

Me: Okay *gets a Flabébé*

Future me: *pockets memory for future Flabébé*

On route 4, I encounter a Skitty, but as I mentioned earlier, I am prone to killing Pokémon and end up killing the Skitty before I could catch it, so I just make my way over to Lumiose to get a Kanto starter after beating up all the trainers on the route.

So this was my conversation with Mar about which Kanto starter to pick (I have a grudge against Ch*rmander okay), and through this I chose its name too: Zekrom 💙

So on route 5 I catch a Furfrou that I nicknamed Floof because it floof and made my way to Camphier, where I went off with Shauna to get the Poké flute to get rid of the Snorlax blocking route 7. I collect the item, and on the way back I catch an Oddish that Mar named Pea for me. I got rid of the Snorlax by running the moment I interact with it - there was no way I'd fight that thing. Onto route 7, where I go into the purple flowers in hopes I get a blue Flabébé, but instead I got an orange one. Regardless of the colour, it was gonna be called Despacito.

In the connecting cave, I catch a Zubat that I named Ciel because I wanted to honour Sky by naming a bat the same thing, just Italian. I move on to route 8, where I get Shelly the Bagon, Shinju the Cubone from the Glistening Cave, and Itzy the Amaura from the fossil I got. It was on the other side of route 8 where the first of 2 rock smash Pokémon emerge, and I'm not sorry for killing the Binacle, it was Dwebble or nothing. In the Twitter thread I forgot to mention that I also caught a Helioptile that I nicknamed Frilly on route 9, but enough of that, now to Grant, the gym that killed my first Pokémon X nuzlocke...

Grant scared me a lot because of how I've always struggled to beat him even when I played normally: he's way too strong to just be a second gym leader. However, thanks to way too much grinding, I was able to beat Grant without any casualties.

So I can't remember how it happened, but at some point in route 10, Shinju died, I can't remember what caused it but it happened and ig I wasn't sad enough about it to remember. On route 10 though, I did get a Snubbull that I named Berri (Mar wanted to name it Ugli but I said No.)

So skip over Geosenge and off to route 11 and Reflective Cave, where I got Zappy the Dedenne and I then killed a Roggenrola by accident because, despite its sturdy ability, it still got hurt by Despacito's rocky helmet and fainted. Unfortunately this is where I lost 2 Pokémon. Kumi died to a Wobuffet that, idk what it did since I wasn't looking at the screen, but I'm assuming Kumi just couldn't take the counter, and fell to the same fate Sky did. Then, Itzy died too, by means I can't remember, but tbh it's me I probably did a dumb type matchup.

Either way I started making Itzy jokes to ease the pain of losing 2 Pokémon consecutively, like "maybe she just wasn't Icy, just on fire all along", and Ariel goes "perhaps she was just a wannabe... 💔".

By this point, my team consisted of Grenouille the Greninja, Zekrom the Charmeleon, Frilly the Helioptile, Despacito the Floette, Pea the Gloom, and Not Lucario the Diggersby (I renamed him from Not Riolu since it evolved).

Eventually, I get to Shalour and get the Lucario from Korrina, who I appropriately named Not DiggersB (Not Diggersby didn't fit so I improvised), and replace Not Lucario. I beat her in battle (without trying either I hadn't noticed I won until I was talking to Korrina again).

I gave up my route 12 encounter to get the Lapras the Pokémon breeder gifts you at the beginning of the route if you speak to him, and Mar named him Lettuce (because iceberg lettuce), and quickly grab myself a Tentacool from Azure Bay that I named Booze because it's water poison. It's when I'm grinding on route 12 for Ramos where I get my biggest casualty so far: Zekrom. Zekrom, the fully evolved Charizard, ready to take on the world, got killed by a Miltank that survived 2 hits from Zekrom and was able to land a bide on him.

Mar asked about Zekrom earlier because I got mocked for his death, and idc about it now but like, it hurt when it happened (yes I did threaten murder but my threats are empty, I'm not edgy I just swear a lot).

So I went and got rid of the Pokémon population of route 12 before *almost* going to Ramos. I noticed that I could go to route 13 before battling him, and it was there I could get a Slugma from the second (and final) use of the rock smash rule I had in place.

*over call*

Me: I'm gonna go take a risk and hope that I can get a Slugma on route 13 using rock smash.

Mar: Slipknot?

Me: *laughing* No, SLUGMA.

Mar: Oh, well you're naming it Slipknot now.

Needless to say, I got very lucky and got a Slugma on first encounter, and named it Slipknot. Unfortunately for me, however, catching Slipknot meant even more grinding for levels. Luckily, Courmarine is where you can get a lucky egg, which gives the holder more exp from battles, and with the use of Pokémon Amie, Slipknot caught up in no time (and evolved into Magcargo). Tbh the thing that took more time was bringing up Slipknot's affection on Pokémon Amie since you literally can't pet Slugma, which eliminates the main way to gain affection. The amount of times I played Tile Puzzle and Head It was quite a lot (never liked Berry Picker, stressful).

So I beat Ramos after pulling a risky move to protect Slipknot from Gogoat's ground move by bringing out Lapras and using ice beam to beat it. I bring the lights back to Lumiose city and go to beat Clemont, where the next big casualty happens - Not DiggersB. I had overestimated Not DiggersB's defense and lost him to an Ampharos that used thunder punch a bit too hard. This was a really bad death since I had a whole ground type in my box just sitting, waiting to be used, but nooooo, I had to used the fighting steel type with bone rush.

Not Lucario, in revenge for his counterpart, destroys Clemont's team, and we're off to Laverre. On route 14 I immediately catch a better ground type (Not a Fish the Stunfisk) and Not Lucario is relegated to the box again, the dirty HM slave. This means more grinding, passing the lucky egg over to Not a Fish, more PokéAmie, and more destruction of the Pokémon population (while also tryna level up both Pea and Despacito enough to get giga drain and moonblast respectively before evolving them into Florges and Bellossom).

To explain Pea and Despacito quickly (and Zappy too), they only evolve into their final forms when they are met with a sun stone (for Bellossom specifically and Heliolisk) and shiny stone (for Florges). I did have a sun stone but used it to evolve Helioptile int Heliolisk so I had to wait until I got to Anistar to get another sun stone, and I only got a shiny stone at the end of route 13, so I saved it until Despacito reached the right level for moonblast, then evolved it (thank you Mar for being the one who knew this info, I'm actual shit at Pokémon).

Anyway, I make it to Laverre, beat Valerie (and almost lose Pea that battle gave me a heart attack), beat up team flare in the factory, get master ball and big nugget, blah blah blah, get better clothes for Big T (which isn't much better male clothes in Pokémon is shit). I get a Foongus on route 15, consult Mar on a name because, once again, naming issues, and she names it Amanita for reasons I've honestly forgotten, and go over to Dendemille, where I redeem heart scales for better moves for Grenouille and Slipknot, and beat up more team flare.

Before I make my way over to Anistar though, I quickly go to route 16 to collect an obligatory Pumpkaboo (that I called Jack). I did (or tried to do in some cases) Pokémon Sword runs for my part of the fan project's E4 and on every file, I've caught a Pumpkaboo so it's tradition.

On route 17 I failed miserably at trying to catch a Delibird, which I wasn't upset about. I use the place to grind a bit more before I make it to Anistar. I grab the sun stone there to finally evolve Pea and just completely destroy Olympia with Grenouille.

So the game's plot "thickens" (aka Lysandre outright says he's the one in charge of team flare) so I do my protag thing, saving the world, when I have to deal with the most heartbreaking and stupid death ever.

Xerneas: *appears*

Me: Okay just master ball it.

Me: *accidentally picks quick ball*

Me: it might be okay it's the first turn anyway-

Xerneas, not expecting to battle so had moonblast ready for fun:👁👄👁  *kills Grenouille*

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

This genuinely hurt me so much I wanted to cry, I was so close to getting Grenouille through it all and he dies to a misclick?! Luckily I got Xerneas in a master ball immediately afterwards. Since it counted as it was the only Pokémon I got in Geosenge, I aptly named it "YOU KILLER".

So I grind a bit more for Xerneas and make my way over to Snowbelle. On route 18 I got a Durant that I named Ditant because I couldn't spell, then got a Sliggoo on route 19 while grabbing sludge bomb for Pea so that she, along with Despacito, can be called the fairy killer.

Despacito the Dragon killer and Pea the Fairy killer honestly sounds so intimidating until you find out they're just a big flower patch and a weed, but they are scary, and can and will kill you without hesitation. I make it to Snowbelle and have to make my way to the Pokémon Village to grab Wulfric to be swept by a heavy metal band, and get myself a Trevenant I named Tree on route 20, and a Zoruark, that immediately replaced YOU KILLER in my party, from the village, and I named him Nuh. Nuh is basically the Muslim name for Noah, as in Noah's Ark Noah, so I did a grammatical joke based on that.

Nuh's Ark = the ark that belongs to Nuh

Nuh's Ark = Nuh is (Zoro)Ark

So I spend my time on route 21 accidentally killing the Ursaring I could've had and then ridding the waters of Lombré and Floatzel for Nuh using Pea. If someone had told me at the beginning of my nuzlocke that my star Pokémon would be a Bellossom, I would've laughed. After a while though, I felt ready. Pea, Despacito, Lettuce, Not a Fish, Slipknot, and Nuh (who I got a heart scale for to learn foul play) were all ready to go down Victory Road and beat the Pokémon League. On the way, I caught a Lickitung, my final Pokémon, that I named Balloon.

(I did have to leave victory road a few times because there's bits where you need to use strength, so I had to fetch Not Lucario because there was no way I was teaching any of my party a HM move this late in the game other than Lettuce learning surf and waterfall).

Going up Victory Road was a breeze (minus the multiple encounters in the caves), and I quickly made my way over to the Pokémon League. I went in, after healing my Pokémon, with an abundant amount of full restores to use freely (I had like P300k the money wasn't going anywhere).

I took on Siebold first, since he's the poetic guy and I wanted to show off Takehiko's abysmal fashion to him first. Needless to say, Pea beat him to a pulp (with Lettuce coming in clutch for his Gyrados by using thunderbolt). Siebold was by far the easiest E4 member.

Next was Wikstrom, whose Probopass had always worried me. It had sturdy, so every time Not a Fish tried to beat it, it'd just survive. Eventually, Wikstrom ran out of full restores, leading to it's untimely demise. Slipknot and Not a Fish cleared out the rest of his team easily.

I took on Malva next, who I legit didn't care about, and just had Lettuce spam surf until I beat her. It worked, of course, so that meant I only had one more battle to go: Drasna the dragon lady who, fun fact, is related to Iris, and is also therefore related to Leon and Hop!

I already knew Drasna would start with Dragalge, a danger to my dragon killer, so I sent out Not a Fish first just to get rid of it. I then sent Despacito out for her Altaria and Noivern, of which Noivern was actually able to land hits on Despacito, getting her in the yellow. Luckily for me, I had Pea learn Dazzling Gleam just in case I needed it, so I switched out Despacito for Pea when Druddigon came out, just to protect my big flower. Pea quickly handed Druddigon its ass as she beat it up without a hitch, and with that, I had finished the E4.

When I was checking if I needed to use my not so abundant amount of ethers and elixirs on my Pokémon, I was glad to find that I really only had to use it for Not a Fish's earthquake: I didn't have to use many moves against the E4, and earthquake was only down because of Wikstrom.

With my Pokémon healed up and ready, Despacito leading the party, I was ready to take on Champion Diantha. Her Hawlucha was up first, of which Despacito beat using moonblast in one fell swoop. She then went to beat up her Tyrantrum, who also fainted to a moonblast. She brought out Amourous next, aka what Itzy could've been, and Despacito used petal blizzard to beat it. The Amourous survived but didn't cause problems. I went to use petal blizzard but Diantha switched out for her Goodra, whose attack got boosted thanks to the grass type move.

Unfortunately for Diantha though, Goodra was a dragon type, so that thing fainted immediately afterwards thanks, once again, to moonblast. She brings back Amourous, who finally faints after a second bout of petal blizzard, and next up is her Gourgeist. It's at this point I finally let Despacito rest, bringing out my newly acquired Nuh, who comes out disguised as Slipknot. Nuh beats the Gourgeist in one move, meaning that Nuh's illusion is still up. Diantha brings out her final Pokémon, Gardevoir, and the battle is almost over.

I think the funniest part of the entire game for me was messing around with Nuh, because when Gardevoir used a psychic move: "It doesn't affect Slipknot..." Which is very funny considering it SHOULD affect Slipknot, it just doesn't affect Nuh, who's pretending to be Slipknot. Nuh takes the opportunity and uses foul play (as Slipknot, which also looks very peculiar) to take down Diantha's Gardevoir, and with that, I had beaten the champion. The nuzlocke was over...

Or was it?

Me: *getting fussy because the other 4 Sycamore pupils were getting credit for me single-handedly beating team flare*

Mar: NOONA THERE'S STILL A BATTLE LEFT, YOU NEED TO BATTLE AZ!

Me: oH

So the nuzlocke was *almost* over.

AZ was very very easy, the only issue I had was Lettuce not being up first to beat his Torkoal. His Sigilyph and Golurk were both very easy to beat, and nothing else really happened in the battle. With that battle over I had truly beaten my second attempt at a Pokémon X nuzlocke.

If you read this far, congratulations! You have read the equivalent of 75 tweets in (possibly) one sitting! Twitter kept capping me off every 25 tweets, so now I understand why Twitter au writers don't post abundantly. This was honestly so much fun, even though I did grieve over my dead Pokémon.

I wanna thank Mar for sticking with me the whole way, even though I was such a nuisance for asking every single time, without fail, what beats poison type Pokémon whenever I encountered one. When I said I'm shit at Pokémon, I wasn't lying: I'm Very Bad™ at the game.

I also wanna thank Bread and Ariel for just popping in during my run every now and again, even if all you wanted to do was mock me for Zekrom's death (which btw I don't get why you're still holding that to me? I'm more shocked you're not talking bout Grenouille lmao).

Would also like to thank my team, Pea the Bellossom, Despacito the Florges, Not a Fish the Stunfisk, Slipknot the Magcargo, Lettuce the Lapras, and Nuh the Zoroark (who, despite being a super new addition, pulled his weight very well). I wouldn't've won of not for y'all  (Idc that they're fictional and can't read my thanks, I love them okay???).

Anywho, thank you for reading this if you chose to!

[luxeor]

It was suggested to me I may have OCD and I can’t stop wondering if it’s true or not... :/

You see, when I was 16 I told my parents I wanted to see a therapist to help me solve my extreme anxiety, depression, insomnia, dissociation and mood swings since I was at my breaking point and became aware enough to realize something rlly was wrong with me (unlike my parents who are so incredibly oblivious and have always been in denial of my mental health), I went, got answers and the professional diagnosis i got after several sessions and neurological testing was that I had Asperger Syndrome (Mild Autism in other words) which I believed at first but the more time passes the more I believe this wasn’t quite right...

Yes, i had an abnormal difficulty to socialize, communicate, inability to express emotions, was inflexible, routine obsessed, had weird specific interests nobody gave a shit about... which was perfect formula to be easy target of bullying, abuse and manipulation to subsequently create more difficulties. Years living like this made me repress everything, live in a lot of isolation, within a mental prison that I rlly wanted to break but couldn’t until i actually seeked help. And the thing is, a lot of these conditions associated with autism are nearly non-existent now (more in particular socializing, communication, reading people, expressing and identifying emotions etc cause I can now perform them splendidly) either cause I worked on myself or basically never had Asperger’s, but rather had OCD all along (Unless I have both which is :/ idk, I don’t eat it up), cause to this day i still present obsessions, perfectionism, inflexibility, weird repetitive behaviours nobody seems to do, isolation, intrusive thoughts (of the rlly ugly kind), extreme anxiety/panic or anger if something doesn’t meet my rigid standards, washing my hands a lot, and other similar shit that has definitely been present since I can remember and have grown accustomed to.

I mean I already read a lot of the symptoms and definitely identify with a lot of them. Ever since the AD diagnosis however I worked really hard to convince myself I was normal and wasn’t mentally handicapped to function in the real world like any other person and it worked u now? Took years to make it but was eventually able to function like any other person, nobody would ever think i have AD, yet there’s still some odd behaviour patterns in my life that still show up, are definitely not normal, interfere and give me an inability to perform certain things appropriately and also different forms of distress/anxiety which point to OCD.

And tbh, I don’t even feel like telling my parents cause I know my mom’s gonna get mad and say i’m crazy or call me an attention whore, and my dad’s just gonna remain meek and oblivious as he’s always been for everything so this will be something I keep to myself once again. 

I’ll probably go get a professional diagnosis when I gain more independence (mostly financial) and can pay for therapy if i do so need (and if i feel like it tbh), which i hope is not the case and I don’t have anything rlly, but god if i am indeed mentally ill it will be the cherry on top of the cake of all the shit i’ve been through and explain why all these things have shaped me to be the way I am today. Not to mention, I wouldn’t trust my parents more cause it’s incredible how in denial they’ve always been of my mental condition, like god... really need a break.

[artpharos]

Arty’s VGC 2018 SG Open Team- 2nd Place Finisher

Anyway I figure since I FINALLY LEGIT PLACED WELL AT A REGIONALS-LEVEL EVENT even if it was just a 38-man regional sobs I’m just gonna write a summary of a team I’m proud of even if they’re technically not that good oops 

Put under cut because it’s long haha I put a lot of thought on my pokemon vgc teams weeps

So I haven’t had a lot of success in VGC 18. Not since the actual VGC 18 format, anyway. I’ve struggled to find a team composition I feel comfortable with, and I’ve had a lot of trouble relearning all my forgotten skills and regaining confidence in myself, especially since I was Out of Action for like... 2 years. But then after watching Brazil Internationals, I realized a lot of the standard ‘meta’ teams had this really gaping weakness to Bisharp and... I really missed Bisharp a lot. So then, I popped onto Showdown, placed Bisharp onto a team I was working on which was then Kangaskhan/Zapdos/Tapu Fini/Snorlax/Gothitelle/Landorus-T and then realized if I replaced Goth with Bisharp I needed another setup sweeper. I remembered back in VGC 13 that Volcarona was a good partner for Bisharp (or vice versa tbh) and I played a few games and then a month later I was in the top 100 on Showdown. And after staring at the team for a while I realized it had a strange resemblance to my 2015 team (Kangaskhan/Talonflame/Sylveon/Bisharp/Landorus-T/Rotom-Wash), which would explain why I was strangely comfortable with it. So then I ran it in a few tournaments, top cut a few MSSes, had a friend talk me over my mental blocks, and got 2nd at Singapore Open. Anyway, a breakdown of the team:  Potato Kangaskhan @ Kangaskhanite   Ability: Scrappy   Level: 50   EVs: 252 HP / 252 Atk / 4 SpD   Adamant Nature   - Fake Out   - Double-Edge   - Low Kick   - Ice Punch  

Throughout the season, people have been telling me since Jan 1 2018 that Kangaskhan Is Bad. And after a whole season and 38 teams of Kangaskhan, I can finally come to the conclusion that yes, on paper, Kangaskhan is a Bad Mon. Kangaskhan, as a mon, just isn’t as good as in 2015, when she was the overwhelming force of the metagame. The Parental Bond nerf has seriously hurt her damage, and Psychic Terrain makes it difficult for Kang’s primary support option (Fake Out) to be completely useful. The loss of Power-Up Punch, and the general increase of offensiveness in the metagame, and Kanga’s neutral matchup towards Intimidate Incineroar have all been factors in why Kangaskhan, in theory, does not work. 

But to be completely honest, whenever I used another Mega I’d just run straight into the stuff they’re automatically weak against and the thing is: Unlike the other Megas, Kangaskhan has technically no matchup that she automatically loses. It just feels a lot easier to put Kangaskhan into a position where she can do work, and I can accept the shift of her role from Primary Attacker to Offensive Support, relying on her to deal constant damage for the team and providing Fake Out support. 

So a breakdown on Potato. I’ve tried all sorts of Kangaskhan, and for the longest time I was convinced that Jolly was the only way to go because without the max speed investment, you’d be unable to outspeed stuff like Tapu Lele and Charizard. However, Jolly Kang always ran into the problem of being outsped ANYWAY since Tapu Koko, Kartana, Mega Metagross and other random fast pokemon exist, and without any investment in her HP she can’t take hits that well. So after trying out my friend’s team, I finally decided on the Super Bulky Kangaskhan with 0 speed investment. I’m still not content with the bulk-speed ratio on Potato, but with the way that the metagame is so matchup dependent, I feel like it’s safer to be bulky than not. In fact, after recent battles, I think if I had to improve Kangaskhan, it’d be to actually drop her attack (since you’re still going to get intimidated to Kingdom Come anyway) and invest in her bulk some more. 

Anyway, on to the moves. Fake Out because Kangaskhan is still, in my opinion, the best Fake Outer in the game, especially with Scrappy to hit ghost types (Hi Mimikyu!) and the ability to outspeed the other premier Fake Outer (Incineroar). Double-Edge for the consistently painful damage that OHKOs stuff like Tapu Koko and Charizard Y, Low Kick to deal 70% to Snorlax/almost OHKO Stakataka/random heavy things like Tyranitar and 4hp Heatran, and Ice Punch to still OHKO 4hp Landorus-T even after Intimidate. Potato functioned more as cleanup, or to clear certain threats that my main sweepers didn’t want to fight. 

Cernunos Landorus-Therian @ Groundium Z   Ability: Intimidate   Level: 50   EVs: 20 HP / 252 Atk / 4 Def / 4 SpD / 228 Spe   Jolly Nature   IVs: 0 SpA   - Earthquake   - Rock Slide   - Protect   - Knock Off  

Landorus-Therian is, arguably, the best mon in all of VGC. In fact, in VGC 2018, it’s only matched for utility with Incineroar, who’s also another Intimidating Cat. It’s also been constantly placing at the top (or near to the top) of all the usage stats, and it’s been said that the Best Way to check a Landorus-Therian is to use your own Landorus-Therian. In fact, it’s gone so far that some Landorus-Therian have switched the special scarfed Hidden Power Ice variants I also really liked the scarf Landorus-T variants since that would have helped my matchup vs Metagross+Tapu Lele/Charizard Y and random fast mons like Gengar a lot. However, given that I only have one other Ground-immune (Zapdos), I opted for the Groundium-Z variant, WHICH OHKOS INCINEROAR AFTER AN INTIMIDATE HAH TAKE THAT YOU STUPID CAT  and does a bunch of other neat stuff like being a really powerful nuke, being a single-target ground attack (even if only for one turn), and has the ability to P R O T E C T. Being base 91 speed has its drawbacks, sure, but I hoped to mitigate that somewhat with Tailwind, and once you get an unintimidated Landorus-T on the field with the ability to switch moves+a nuke+x2 speed, it’s definitely a huge boon on your side. 

So Cernny’s set is actually something Coach gave me. Jolly to abuse as much of that fast speed as necessary, attack to maximise the damage output, and the rest in split defenses for some ‘bulky’. His moveset was Earthquake (of course), Rock Slide (for the flinchy flinchy and Charizard Y/Zapdos), Protect and Knock Off because I hate Snorlax and any other mon that uses one of the Super Healing Berries, as compared to the lack of Steel/Normal type mons that you’d usually run Superpower for (and let’s be real, Superpower doesn’t OHKO anything of worth anymore, and without a scarf it didn’t really make sense to run Superpower). 

Castor Bisharp @ Life Orb   Ability: Defiant   Level: 50   EVs: 252 Atk / 4 SpD / 252 Spe   Adamant Nature   - Iron Head   - Knock Off   - Sucker Punch   - Protect  

I’ll be honest, Bisharp is pretty much the glue holding the team together. The ability to gain attack boosts from any status drop, and the ability to pull out a powerful priority attack with those boosts can utterly cut through teams that are unprepared for him. All it takes is an Icy Wind or an accuracy drop from Muddy Water, and Castor can go to town. Especially since most teams rely on Intimidate to control opposing physical attackers, Defiant/Competitive users like Bisharp and Milotic can do a lot of work in the right conditions. Moreover, dark is an extremely good attacking type, even now, and with the ability to hit Fairies super effectively with Iron Head, Bisharp has almost perfect neutral coverage for most of the metagame (with the exceptions being idk Blaziken and Lucario). 

I was running Adamant Nature with max speed and Life Orb because that was the damage calculation/spread I was used to since 2015. Bisharp’s moveset is Iron Head for comfortable STAB, Knock Off to take out berries and also potentially KO weakened Cresses/other bulky mons/stop Snorlax before their berries trigger. Sucker Punch is priority, which helps me pin and maneuver around faster mons, and Protect is Protect lol. At max speed, Bisharp outspeeds most spreads of Tapu Bulu/Tapu Fini, Heatran, and also my own Kangaskhan, which allows me to make some silly plays like Knock Offing a Porygon 2′s Eviolite before Double-Edging into them, destroying fairy redirectors like Togekiss, or limiting Cresselia’s Ally Switch utility by taking out the supporters before Kang attacks. 

Curry Volcarona @ Firium Z   Ability: Flame Body   Level: 50   EVs: 4 HP / 92 Def / 192 SpA / 220 Spe   Modest Nature   IVs: 0 Atk   - Quiver Dance   - Heat Wave   - Giga Drain   - Protect  

I admit I named Volcarona Curry for certain very blatant biases BUT ANYWAY. I haven’t actually used Volcarona that well in VGC at all, dabbling in it only at the start of 2018 with a Salamence/Azumarill team that Did Not Work because I always felt that Volcarona was better off setting up Quiver Dance and sweeping than playing Rage Powder. Remembering that VGC 13 had a Volcarona+Bisharp team working super well for my brother, I decided to try it in VGC 18 because why not. Volcarona had 135 SAtk and with a Quiver Dance, I bet Inferno Overdrive would be extremely spicy. The other item choice that has been recommended to me time and time again is a Super Healing Berry, but to be completely honest I’m perfectly happy with having a secondary nuke in case I can’t land Tectonic Rage for whatever reason. 

Volcarona pairs well with Bisharp, Kangaskhan, and Tapu Fini, being able to clear steel/grass types as well as luring in stuff like Landorus-T into the battle (which its teammates can then take out before Volcarona starts quiver dancing). Volcarona is not a ‘good’ mon; it has far too many weaknesses and requires a lot of ifs to set up properly, and even then it’s main stab is Heat Wave and its defenses are, to put it mildly, shit. However, with most of the metagame being physically defensive, being able to set up a powerful special attacker that gets boosts in speed/special defense/special attack can seriously nuke a lot of teams to oblivion. 

So, Volcarona ran Quiver Dance, Heat Wave, and Protect. Modest 192 SAtk was to maximize my Special Attack as much as possible, but I do know that at +1, in the Sun, Volcarona’s Inferno Overdrive has been able to net OHKOs on Charizard Y of all things. 220 Speed was to outspeed modest Tapu Lele, 4HP/92Def was to survive a -1 Spread Landorus-T Rock Slide. Giga Drain was run to have a better way to deal with Tapu Fini and Milotic, but even at +1 Volcarona will still die to Hydro Vortex so that’s something to keep an eye out for. 

Vegetable Zapdos @ Iapapa Berry   Ability: Pressure   Level: 50   EVs: 28 HP / 4 Def / 252 SpA / 4 SpD / 220 Spe   Timid Nature   - Thunderbolt   - Heat Wave   - Tailwind   - Sky Drop  

Zapdos has been something I’ve slowly grown accustomed to over the season. Without Talonflame, I’ve been searching for another Tailwinder that provided the sort of support/pairing ability with Landorus-T that I just couldn’t find elsewhere. While I am more used to the Misty Seed/Roost version, I just felt that it was far too passive and didn’t really feel like it could help contribute to the team with a low speed stat that the Misty Seed variants run (ie, set up Tailwind before dying to a Charizard Y Overheat). In the end, I decided to try something slightly different- not the Gigavolt Havoc Zapdos, but the fast speedy Tailwind support with Iapapa Berry. While it worked somewhat well, I realized that my team had issues with Azu+Redirector support, so I decided to toss Sky Drop onto Zapdos (something I learned from playing Hawlucha earlier in the metagame).

Sky Drop easily opens a lot of doors for my team, being able to stall out Trick Room, Tailwind, deal with redirectors, and force mons into not being able to Protect the next turn when they’re dropped. While my Zapdos spread meant that it was actually exceedingly frail for a Zapdos, it’s also an extremely good utility mon, if used properly (Hint: I still haven’t completely figured it out yet).

Thunderbolt for obligatory STAB. Tailwind helped support my team a lot, since the majority of them were slow and would greatly appreciate the speed advantage. Heat Wave was chosen over HP Ice because of the great Kartana weakness I seemed to have, as well as being able to threaten the 3hko on Mega Metagross. And Sky Drop is... Sky Drop. (Fun fact: I still haven’t completely understood all of Sky Drop’s mechanics yet, isn’t it fun?)

Ultimately, Vegetable started off as a mon I didn’t really like, but it is incredibly necessary for this team to work. If there is one thing I would change, I would drop its Satk and try to figure out a bulkier spread and go max speed Timid simply because I am tired of not having the ability to speed tie Charizard Y. 

Melusine Tapu Fini @ Mago Berry   Ability: Misty Surge   Level: 50   EVs: 236 HP / 4 Def / 196 SpA / 12 SpD / 60 Spe   Calm Nature   IVs: 0 Atk   - Scald   - Moonblast   - Calm Mind   - Protect  

So finally, the Tapu of my team. Tapu Fini easily loses out to ALL THE OTHER TAPUS of the metagame, but it also has one of the best terrain abilities. Immunity to status? Yes Please. Also, being the slowest Tapu (barring some really slow Leles/Bulus), it is almost guaranteed Terrain Control on turn 1. 

I opted for the Calm Mind variant of Tapu Fini because I Like Setting Up, and also Fini just doesn’t do enough damage otherwise. Calm Mind also helps shore up its special defense, giving it a chance versus Tapu Lele and occasionally Tapu Koko/Charizard Y/MGengar/other random powerful special attacking mons. I’m using the standard CM Tapu Fini EV spread, which allows it to outspeed slow Bulu while dealing some really nice damage with its STABS. 

While most Tapu Fini opt for Muddy Water, I’ve lost far too many games from Muddy Water missing, so I decided to go for the more reliable and slightly more powerful single-target Scald. Thus far, I have not regretted that decision. Moonblast for fairy STAB because you need Fairy STAB somewhere on your team to deal with Kommo-O, and Protect because this should be totally standard by now.

AND I HAVE SPENT 2 HOURS WRITING A LONG DRAWN SUMMARY OF MY TEAM. I’M EXTREMELY PROUD OF HOW WELL THEY DID, OF SOME OF THE BATTLES I’VE MANAGED TO PLAY WITH THEM, and while I’m not certain if I want to bring them to Worlds, I’m glad that this is the team that finally helped me overcome my own weaknesses and gave me my confidence back to play. 

Tl;dr: I really love pokemon vgc and I really love this team 

[survivor-mountmerapi]

Ep. 11: “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!” - DeNara

Madi

omfg instant tribal -> ginny gone:( it was sad bc she cried and I rly rly like her as a person but she is just too messy to play with raffy out next? lets see if I can finesse that.... also, THE ONE NAME IS GET IN TOUCHY TOPICS IS WHO IS PLAYING MORE THAN YOU THINK?????? sounds like me

DeNara

Oh my goodness, I am glad I had immunity for that tribal. It was pretty clear cut it was going to be Ginny but still sad to see Ginny go. Now that Julia and Ginny are gone, I am excited and nervous to see what is coming next. I have no idea who will be going next. Also, I love that I was voted more trust worthy, but being voted most likely to flip on their alliance is a big oof and puts a big target on me.

Raffy

DeNara, Steven, and I hopped on a call after that emotional tribal council. We've come to the conclusion that a newbie needs to go in this next tribal council or it's going to be a mess. The newbie we have decided on is... Madi. Yes. We do plan to betray one of our closest allies at the moment. She's been playing an excellent game and she needs to be voted out sooner rather than later. Additionally, she is the one we suspect of having the idol. So, this needs to be a complete and utter blindside. For now, the plan is to tell Madi and Gian to target Rachel. Then, we get Elle to vote with us to target Madi. That would make the vote 4-3-1 which would lead to Madi being voted out. This plan has a lot of risk, but i's not Survivor if it isn't risky.

DeNara

Okay so here is how things would go down if I had my way right now (even though I know that is unlikely). I would love to start by flipping on my alliance of 5 and working with Elle, Steven and Raffy to get Madi out and then Gian since they are the biggest newbie threats. After that I would then flip with the girls (and hopefully Steven) to get Raffy out of the game. That would leave Steven, Elle, Rachel, Anastasia, and myself in the game. Since Rachel has a relationship with Anastasia I would take her out next, leaving Steven, Elle, Anastasia, and myself in the game. I would then hopefully go to the end with 2 of those three. I feel like because I get along best with Steven and Elle right now I would like them to be in the final three with me even if I lose. My biggest concern right now is if Raffy is playing me since I got voted "most likely to flip on my alliance". So Raffy is someone I am paying close attention too.

Elle

Im kinda sad to see Ginny go :( But hey! Final 8✨ [I sent this to DeNara and then VL already but it works as a confessional and I only have so many things to say lol]

Well it's nice to know no one on my tribe's rooting for me 😂😂😂 lol my wins in the touchy subjects basically told this story: "she's honest, someone people can really root for, too bad she's never gonna win" which tbh im okay with 😅 my only goal starting this game was to make it to merge and then it was to avenge James so if i make it to F3 just to lose I'll be doing WAY better than i planned 💖 And honestly at least ppl don't think I'm a villain 😅 it's funny that Raffy got villain and I got hero since we're super close in this game (I feel the need to add 'I think' here lol)

Raffy

I want either Elle or myself to win. If Elle wins, that forces Gian and Madi to target Rachel this round which would go perfectly with the plan I've laid out. If I win, I can fully go for this plan without any hesitation. That's why I am going all out for this challenge. I apologize in advance to Jay who will have to go through all the submissions, but I have to do what I gotta do considering I cannot go outside due to a snowstorm.

Rachel

Man, this is such a tough game. The immunity challenge was hard, but i think as long as our majority newbies stick together, we will have control over the vote and who goes home. i'm glad to see elle won though! she is a great competitor. i still love that i got most honest and most likely to lie. i guess it shows how crazy of a game i'm playing socially

Gian

OK, so in order for this Raffy blindside to work PERFECTLY. He can’t catch wind of this plan because he’ll play his safety without power, which is a huge no no. We’ll be able to pull in Elle for this. If that happens, we fear DeNara might be a bad back up bc she’ll have something OR Elle won’t vote with us. So in this scenario of options, Steven is a great back up option.  This works to my advantage because that means if for some reason, my alliance tries to retaliate against me, Steven won’t be here for numbers.

Elle

I won immunity again 😅 ugh in hindsight I regret it. I wasn't really thinking gameplay-wise, more just "I have been given a challenge, time to go ham" 🔥🔥🔥  I should've maybe talked to my alliance abt it, though 😭. I might give Raffy my immunity?? idk I'm worried about tonight. 😅I'm just gonna trust Raffy's plan, but I am stressed✨I think I'm realizing for the first time kinda that I'm pretty far in the game and I don't wanna lose now 😂

Anastasia

So I just made an alliance with DeNara and Steven and my newbies alliance is wanting DeNara out. Our main target is Raffy but if Raffy plays an idol we will try to split the vote to DeNara which wouldn't be good for me if DeNara went home. I need the newbies and DeNara to fight so the attention is off of me. So I want her here. Hopefully Raffy will just not have an idol for one second

Raffy

I've confirmed the plan with Elle to take out Madi. The Wild Faes alliance (Elle, Steven, DeNara, and I) are fully down to take out a newbie this round. That newbie will be Madi if all goes well. Madi and Gian seem to believe that the vote will be Rachel tonight. They confirmed it in the alliance chat. Additionally, they told me that Rachel wanted to target Steven this round. I believe that Steven is a bigger shield for me than I am for him. It has always been his name thrown out than mine since merge began. Last night, I confirmed a Final 2 deal with Steven. It is my belief that I do not have a shot if Steven isn't there so they cannot use the excuse of "well, he already won before." We discussed that, ideally, Anastasia would be our third in the Final 3. This is because Anastasia is the biggest goat around while Elle/DeNara could make a really strong case for themselves. Finally, Elle offered to give me her immunity necklace tonight, but I had to decline. If that happened, that would make Madi and Gian shift their gears to Elle which wouldn't work for the plan. Additionally, it would let them know something is up which we do not want.

DeNara

Well....it is going down. Raffy, Steven, Elle and I are targeting Madi and Madi, Gian, Rachel and Anastasia are targeting Raffy. It could potentially be a show down tonight. I don't think I will flip though, I think it would be bad for my game. I need to get some newbies out before I flip on Raffy.

Madi

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1VhQNVbLwBcJlyYbIElS9iQ_ZW99uWw76/view?usp=drivesdk

Raffy

Elle told me earlier that Madi had came to her with a plan to vote me out this round. Elle declined it with a little aid from me, and Madi seemed to have backed off. It seems like the smart play to get rid of her now. I am just going to continue acting dumb to them and keep preaching Rachel. Hopefully, with Elle's rejection, Madi will decide to not go for me this round and bide her time a little longer.

Steven

https://youtu.be/ZjewoAwraOM

DeNara

I am getting nervous for tribal tonight. I hope we don't go to rocks, that would suck a lot. Rachel is saying she wants to vote for Steven, so idk if I should play into that or just flat out turn it down. I don't want Madi to get suspicious of us turning on her and Gian.

DeNara

What the heck!?!?!? It is an hour before tribal and we are stressed af. Anastasia wanted to get Raffy out and I had to convince her not to vote that way and to vote for Rachel.

Raffy

This tribal has just became a giant mess. So, Gian and Madi were fully comfortable trying to 4-4 tie it between me and someone else. Meanwhile, DeNara got tea from Anastasia and has "exposed" Gian/Madi to her. Now, Anastasia wants to flip and vote out Rachel. But, the Faes alliance has decided not to tell Anastasia the actual vote is Madi. And I want to use my SWP because now is the time to use it since Anastasia confirmed it's between me or DeNara for the newbies so Steven would be safe in that scenario. So, if everything works out, it should be a 3-3-1 vote with me not voting between Madi, DeNara, and Rachel. In that case, we get Anastasia to vote for Madi under the pretense that we just couldn't trust her yet but now we do. Apparently, Madi doesn't like DeNara and Gian doesn't like one of Steven or I. That's kind of sad cause I like them, but whatever. And if DeNara does end up the vote because Madi uses an idol, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make because Anastasia says she wants to flip so in the process of all this I gain a number and have a 4-3 majority next round guaranteed. Wish me luck y'all

DeNara

oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!!!!!!! Raffy is using his safety without power tonight so that means that  Madi, Rachel and Gian are going to write my name and Elle, Steven and I are going to vote for Madi. Which leaves Anastasia as the swing vote to vote off either myself or Madi. I don't know if I have a close enough relationship with Anastasia for her to vote Madi. So I may be going home tonight!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

My only hope is to come clean to Anastasia about the plan and pray she votes for Madi instead of me. It may be my funeral tonight :'(

Elle

OKAY. So we think Anastasia is going to vote Rachel with us except we're not going to vote Rachel we're going to vote Madi and I'm going to give Raffy my immunity necklace so that at worst its a tie and then we use Raf's bargaining chip to Rach or anastasia before we go to rocks. Cool writing this JUST before tribal

DeNara

I may have screwed myself over tonight.  I told Anastasia we were voting Madi so if she told Madi then I could be going home and it would be my own fault.

[choding-noona]

잘자요 (Good Night), 김종현 👼🏻

It's been a long week for most of us. The shocking news that hit the kpop world on 18th December. I am not a Shawol but I felt like writing my thoughts down. Basically, when I heard the news, I was sleeping in the bus and my phone was vibrating like crazy. Apparently, my message were flooded by friends.My mum called mine sister telling her the news. As soon as I reach home, my mum was telling me too the news in disbelief. For the last two nights, we were all discussing and updating each other over dinner. Just for your info, me, my mum & sister are also fans of Shinee since they debuted.

Tbh, Jong Hyun wasn't even my bias but hearing about his death made me felt like I lost a missing piece of my childhood. To those who started kpop in 2007-2009 phase, I think most of us were around 14-16 ish? So practically, we grew up together with our idols over the years. I spend my teenage days going crazy over oppas & unnies and Im happy about it as it releases me from peer pressure, school & getting myself into bad influences. But as I grew older & entering the 20s, i started to fall out slowly. I wasn't able to keep up with the idols new albums/shows/concerts cos I have other responsibilities I have that i need to prioritise. That goes to the same as the idols that I adore, they aged throughout the years and have also gain other commitments.

I question every possibilities why did he take his life away. What lead to his depression? Was it love? Friendship? Why didn't anyone be with him after seeing the letter? Where was his manager? Too much qns to be asked but only him do know the real answer.

Idk if it was coincidence but I started to hear the song " Oh Yeah" that Jonghyun sang with Uhm Jung Hwa.I love this song so so much. I first heard it in Korea a year ago when I passed by a shop. Since then i was hook because the song just gave me alot of happy vibes. For those who have not heard it, please do.The way He sang was so cheerful and I can imagine him smiling while singing it. I think it can bring comfort to those who are still grieving.

But little did we know, the person behind that voice was slowly crumbling inside. I couldn't bear to hear his voice again. I don't even think I can convince myself to play that song again because it's just too heart breaking. I even told my mum not to play any videos where Jong Hyun voice could be heard.

When his old friends came over (FT, Infinite, Highlight, Mighty Mouth and etc) , I just lost it. Those fond memories of them together on variety shows were the best. That made me stop for a moment & think,I better make time to appreciate the music and support them in whatever they do.

After today, watching the funeral procession, I realised you're really gone forever oppa.For a short time, I thought there was a chance that you'll be revive back.Im glad I did met you once. I'm happy to have you as part of my memories.

Have you reach the other side safely? Let go of all the pain you felt in this world. Hopefully Risae & Eunb are there to welcome heaven's new angel with open arms.In 10 to 20 years down the road, we're always gonna remember you oppa. 사랑해 ❤️ One day we shall meet again, till then Goodbye.

[cezulian]

ok ok so on that topic about the boys becoming functioning members i have (bit tmi sorry) i know my dad used to be unsettingly similar to patrick in pretty much every way as a kid including the solipsism and thinking he was god and the only real thing (minus the straight up murder and groping/molesting cuz that was against The Rules according to him) when i was super duper little and then after i was born he got decent therapy and also medication and is now one of the sweetest and kindest (1/2)

“(2/2) people i know and treats everyone mostly well (now hes kinda just a sarcastic asshole sometimes, tho he can get a bit scary when really provoked) and if the boys also recieved decent help they would for sure have been pretty much full functioning people and even possibly good people with families and tbh, id like to see some people write that because those boys deserve it as people with psychosis very frequently if given help do get better my dad and myself included!!”

That’s great, I’m so happy for you and your dad! I’ll always firmly support destigmatizing therapy and taking medication as treatment options, so thank you for being willing to share your personal experiences!

One of the reasons I didn’t answer that previous question with a firm “yeah, totally, it’ll be fine!” Though, is because I didn’t want it to seem like I was implying that Psychopathy or antisocial traits are a thing that need to be “cured”, just like something like Autism doesn’t need to be “cured”, it just needs to have some aspects of it managed in a manner seen fit by healthcare professionals and the individual dealing with it. You can’t cure a person of who they are, like trust me, if I could I’d have done it for myself by now lmao.

But I also don’t want to discount Henry or Patrick’s past experiences, because I know I mentioned that if they’d had the opportunity to be raised in entirely different situations but otherwise remained the same, everything could have played out well for them but the initial question was if they would be able to receive treatment as teenagers in the movie universe. I don’t know what your dad might have been through or how he might have grown up, and you certainty aren’t obligated to tell me, but one huge part of what makes therapy help is actually wanting to be helped, and I think that where they were in the canon would make getting to that point a real piece of work. You have Patrick, who’s convinced that he’s fine and then you have Henry, who is far too insecure about even thinking about the idea that he has feelings to consider talking about them with some stranger that thinks they know everything or thinks they’re better than him (which is probably what he’d say) and you put on top of that that they’re both teenage boys, a species known for communicating chiefly in grunts and “I dunno”s and the occasional “yeah sure”. Patrick, I know, would probably either say whatever he felt he was supposed to to be able to leave, would refuse to say anything and perceive that as a power move, or on the complete flipside of the situation, would find out that he could talk about anything (except his refrigerator and Avery of course because a therapist would be obligated to report that) and at least gain some kind of catharsis from being able to overshare like he wants to, though I do think he’d have some serious trouble with removing his filter of “I’m gonna deconstruct your bullshit every time you open your mouth to try and figure out how I can take back the power in this situation and then I’m gonna act like your favorite boy and you wont even know, you idiot” because it’d just sort of be going through the motions for him at that point but yeah. It’d depend a lot on them and how fuckin excellent this therapist was. The real problem-solver for Patrick, at least, I think would be to get his parents in there. Not with him, that’d be a shit show, but just after learning enough about Patrick to feel the need to explore what aided in bringing him to this point. Butch needs his own fuckin therapist. I won’t even get into that.

I do, though, I totally believe that they could be, as you said, functioning or even beneficial members of society if they were given help, attention, and love. I also think that their symbiosis that functions on a darker level presently could be developed into a level of closeness and understanding that a neurotypical probably couldn’t understand, in whatever form of a relationship you believe that would take, and would overall become something healthy that they would be thankful for. But since you mentioned them getting jobs and all, I’m curious what you or anyone reading this thinks Henry would go into if he could in this scenario? Would it be a career or just a job doing something he likes? Would it be a hobby turned into a job? What makes him happy about it? We don’t know much about Henry’s interests from the book besides cool jackets and rock and roll (but who doesn’t like those things) and in the movie all we know is that he’s into monster trucks but the only reason we know that is from a deleted scene in two scripts where it talks about the posters on his wall. I’ll look into his character a little more too and see if I can’t find something I think he’d like, but I’m curious to know what yall think.

I personally have always believed (and can believe it for the movie universe too, since that’s what we’re talking about) that Patrick would be some kind of artist, if he could. I have all kinds of artist Patrick headcanons that I’ve talked about with @nicholashamilton that I won’t go into on this post but I think that’d be great for him and already comes pretty naturally, but I feel like book Patrick and movie Patrick would have very different attitudes towards getting paid for it.

Anyway, thank you for sharing, again. Not a lot of people take these kinda of things seriously because “they’re just characters” or whatever, which is true, but I think its important to know that the things these characters are dealing with (particularly characters who are violent and play antagonistic roles) are not only very real but don’t make anyone in real life dealing with them bad people because of them. So much is environmental, but its all real shit, yo.

[beowulfs-booty-call]

Slow burn/fake date/enemies to lovers - Shiro, Odin Arrow, Ike

I can’t believe people sent me this, PARTICULARLY PERFECT ONES TOO HONESTLYYYYYYY

So, because I’m a huge ass fan of you Jordi, and because I love writing, I’m gonna do something wicked with the 41% of battery I have left: I’m gonna write a wee bit of what I choose, for each character and me! That way I can practice writing and also be able to answer your ask a bit more exciting!

SUPER LONG POST AHEAD, BE WARNED!

Shiro: (Slow burn)

Shiro definitely strikes me as a dude who I’d slow burn it with, tbh. There’s a lot of tension there that I think both of us would be caught up in before long lmfao.

It was meant to be a simple mission, enter the planet, find any response of life on the frequencies that would fight against the Galra and escape before Lotor and his crew could access.

Shiro breathed, he was not useful for this mission. Without the black lion, and effectively, his own bond with it, he was by no means a threat to anything besides hand to hand combat with his arm. Which was exactly why he was there in the first place.

Slipping into the vacuum of the space between him and the ship, Shiro pulled himself to the darkness. His breathing was the only thing that sounded human to his ears, attempting to flit through the ship’s interior. “Breathe. Breathe.” Mantra said, and patience at ease. Then the speed came and instantly for what seemed like a millennia, the ship and its pilot came to a green clad planet of prosperity.

The lions had already been planned to find other ways to intercept Lotor onto the course of the war. And Shiro? Shiro was headed to a “Earth like planet” where the people would welcome him and offer him democratic counsel so he may convince them to fight against the Galran prince.

But that was almost 6 quintant’s ago, Shiro was already welcomed by the democratic alliance that was held on the planet and was beheld to feasts amongst feasts (which, perhaps he did admit he cheated on his training for the first day before refusing outright later in.) before he could even muster the words to speak.

In front of him lay the counsel of the planet, Nihilan, its inhabitants almost Altean, though far from the more archetypes Coran and Allura had. In front of him was men and women who wore golden antiquated jewelry that shone in his eyes, a mirthy gaze that was almost as gaudy as their dress. Their own clothing, as regal as they may have seemed, shown the body to the elements, with cut fabrics that draped capes or tails, yet cut and curved along the body to show one’s physical prowess, if anything. Shirogane made note not to watch the much more happier elder, who’s entire body was cast to the rest of the public eye with gusto.

“Ah, yes...” He had uttered, the elder began to touch his digits to his cheeks. The flesh decorated with a sort of powder akin to what Shiro had seen from Coran’s visual training video.

“Voltron has led the force against the enemy for eons, mayhaps, even longer than we anticipate in our understanding...” The elder continued, Shiro nodded, happy to not have to “try” and eat another creature that laid on the planet’s “desert” coastline as the other quintant.”But there enlies the problem, Paladin. There exists a point in which we must ask, will Voltron be able to fight for our people? Lest we dissolve our own planet’s wealth to the Galra?”

Shiro stood up, eager to debate his position and possibly leave as soon as possible: “Your honor,”

“Father, my child...” The elder tutted, his words softened though the counsel’s gaze did not falter.

“Ah, “father”, then... Voltron has led the force against the Galra for as long as you’ve lived, that may be true, but we can’t fight the Galra alone. Not without your help. We may be an ancient weapon, we may be the hope of the future... We may be-”

“Cowards!’

Shiro’s voice hushed, the counsel gasping at the accusation pointed at the Paladin of the Black Lion.

At the edge of the lush palace, in his own “glory”, beheld a man nearly Shiro’s age, as tall as he, hair curled and midnight black... But with a gaze so sharp his eyes cut like the Blade of Marmora. 

“You speak to these men and women as though they have bravery and honor, Paladin!” The Nihilan continued, growling and pointing his finger towards the counsel, an open book in his hand and an emerald cape flowing behind him. His chest heaved, captured by an open suit that showed his torso with his arms covered by see through fabric. On his forehead, lied a piece of leather that coiled a gemstone that shone a beautiful purple despite the greens, and his face pouted with hair flicked about under his chin.

“These councilmen have no honor! Why, even they would give you to the hands of the Galra without listening to you!” He barked, one hand flipping through the tome while another beckoning to any would be opponents.

“Silence him!” “Dethroned brat!” “Can he truly be so bold?!”

Before he could react, Shiro watched as electricity shot out, and the next he knew, he blacked out as he felt a well placed blow to his neck from the shadows.

Shiro groaned, his eyes flittering to adjust to the dull light of a ship’s glow, the stars in front of him as he slowly gained sight of his surroundings. Green, beaten, and tugging his own ship. He was kidnapped, he was sure--

“Ah, you’ve awakened, Paladin.” 

Shiro turned, still trying to grasp his environment. The man who had interrupted his counsel with the Nihilans...

“I apologize for knocking you out in such a brute way. I admit, I myself was not expecting a Paladin of Voltron to be used as bait to be given to the Galra...” He paused, picking at the horns that pushed above his ears. Shiro’s eyes focused, and he finally could see who truly was near him, in the next seat to him. The man held horns that grew like a goat’s, though it curled upward the circular, and his beard was reminiscent to what seemed like a child’s story about a demon.

And yet, there was a passionate red glow on his face, as he shifted view from the passenger to the space that lay in front of them.

“...The Galra murdered my father and made the councilmen as their puppets in politics. They were planning on sending you to those thieves so that we would be safe from them.” The man looked down.

“I’m... Sorry. I could not sit aside and watch what practically happened to me, happen to another being.”

Shiro breathed, letting the info seep into him. In his stupor, he moved his hand to steady his head, as he sat slumped in the chair. However, he missed, and it lightly dragged against the colorful pants of the pilot before shifting back on course.

“Thanks...” He groaned, feeling the key part of a headache coming on.

“Nothing to fret, Paladin.” The Nihiladin chuckled, “I’m not pilot like you, but, getting you out was my first priority. A few of us Nihiladins do not agree with the Galra, much less the councilmen. ...We shall help you, after all, it is the least we can do for your troubles here on this day.”

Shiro rubbed his forehead.

“I’ve already patched a signal to the supposed “Castle” your ship had coordinates to. I must say... It’s rather interesting how you have acted, Paladin.”

“Oh?”

“Your hair is white... I’ve read in my tomes, that this is caused by quintessence... You wouldn't happen to have fought with the unholy witch of legends, have you?”

Witch...

Witch...

“...Haggar?” Shiro rasped, voice thickened due to the sleep he had endured.

“Shisa!” The nihiladin hissed, control now lost for a moment on the steering wheel. “She lives indeed then!”

Shiro nodded weakly, tired from the blow that still lingered on him.

“I see... If this is the case, my people will help you with even more reason now... I ask, however, that you come back, when you are rested to help me shut down the Galra as it stands. We have stations that the resistance and I have fought to take down... But for every one piece of this toxin we cure, 3 pieces more take its place...”

Shiro nodded, words not finding him, but his eyes betraying him and glancing at the similar figure’s curves and musculature. It was toned, yet strong, but... A key impact that Shirogane could swear he knew from a mile away:

The look of a man who was starved for a very long time.

“You... Don’t eat.”

The Nihiladin blinked.

“You don’t either. I know myself the body of a man who does not eat for himself. He requires others to remind him because he gives all for them. It was but something my father once taught me.”

Shiro hummed, humbled slightly.

“We, the castle, have food you can eat, you can--”

“Rest? By all means. But you yourself deserves it as well. Even heroes need rest...?”“Shiro. Shiro is fine.”

“Shiro, then, even heroes need rest. You may call me... “Wolf”, it’s but one of the names I go by now, after... Anyway, I will follow you to the castle, however, you will need to feast, after all. You seem like the creature who could eat an army’s worth of food.”

Shiro laughed, it was probably true, but he hadn’t eaten despite the feasts, that Hunk’s cooking was still on the mind.

“If I can rest, you can eat. I think we both need our strength for the upcoming battle.” He replied, not sure what exactly he wanted to tell the Nihiladin. It was as though they were brothers at arms, the amount of illogical events that had happened to him during his stay.

“Paladin of the black lion... I eagerly take up your proposal, then.”

“Ha, then it’s a date.” Shiro huffed, before slumping once more to his chair, eyes finally closing slowly.

“A date then. There’s still much to do, so, let’s try this one step at a time, Shiro.”

Shiro nodded, sleep finally coming to his aid as the Nihiladin continued steering towards the answering frequencies of the Castle of the Lions.

However, what lied ahead, was still the matter of explaining his absence to the rest of the Paladins...

Odin Arrow (Enemies to Lovers)

I wanna say Odin is that sort of... “Me but in a whole other situation “me”, so to speak. It’d be interesting being pinned to the opposite side only to find there’s more than just being someone else’s puppet.

Beowulf gasped, here he was, Seidre leaving him at a crucial moment in the fight against the supposed Pedri Nanesgani’s host: Odin Arrow of the infamous Arrow family. Seidre explained, “An old friend of me needs to repay for... His many debts,” He said, voice low and drawling as he whispered in Beowulf’s ear.

“He needs to be taught a lesson.” 

“A lesson?”

“I think that boy ought to be taught one, and from what I heard... He is truly a pathetic weakling...”

“I... see... Father, why fight him?” “Isn’t it obvious, my boy? Destroy the hosts, and we will get the wish we wanted from Titan himself.” “T-Titan?”

Odin slugged another punch towards the assailant in flannel. His fist was grabbed and pushed away as the other boy silently edged closer.

“W-What do you want?!” Odin shouted, Pedri too was silent from his recent stand in with Ava on the crash landed planet they had found themselves.

Beowulf looked down. He didn’t want to do this. He didn't want to fight, not again.

“A-Answer m-me.” Odin called, before kicking the other with a low sweep. Beowulf groaned, but picked himself up, before Odin pushed him down, grabbing his collar as he was stuck on the ground.

“...”

Odin punched the ground near his assailant.

“I w-won’t a-ask again.”

Beowulf looked up at him, before Seidre’s silken words lilted to his minds.

He spat in his face.

Odin angrily growled and pulled the boy’s collar and him up, before slamming him down.

“If y-you won't t-talk...” Odin huffed, picking himself up and shaking his head. “I w-won’t bother. I-I’m better than that.” He said, pulling his shirt up to rub his face clean. 

“G-Go jump off a--”

“A family.” Beowulf said, quietly.

“What?”

Beowulf sighed, still on the floor. He curled up, body aching slightly, but he was too tired to try fighting again.

“I want to be loved...” 

Odin hmph’ed as he pulled his pipe from his pocket.

“You’ve got a w-weird way of sh-showing it, kid.”

Beowulf sat up, hugging his knees as the other man watched.

“You don’t get it. Your host to something evil, aren't you? And you’re fighting for someone too, right?”

Odin looked on, eyes softening in his gaze.

“My... Father isn’t... Here, anymore. I just... I just want him back. Look, I didn’t want to do this, I swear it... But please understand me here, we’re both fighting for the people we care about.”

Odin puffed.

“And w-what will trying t-to p-punch me have a-any thing t-to getting y-your f-father back?”

Beowulf sighed, pushing his hair back and felt his earrings jingle as he slowly pulled himself up. “He said, if I taught you a lesson... Maybe, maybe we’d get a wish from Titan.”

Odin was fuming at the name, but kept his glare renewed. “Titan? You m-must mean that c-cult. How pathetic.”

“W-What?” Beowulf questioned, eyes grimacing.

“You really think, your father will be brought back by that sham? You must really be shooting for someone else here.” Odin drawled, his pipe smoking purple and his eyes a dark fuchsia. “W-why don’t you t-tell us why you’re really here.” Beowulf looked to the lush ground, lips beginning to dry faster.

“Answer me.”

“I... I don’t know.”

“W-what do you mean you don’t k-know. Aren’t y-you here to save your f-father?”

“I... Seidre... Look, I don’t need to answer to you! I just need your dumb demon to be gone so I can have my father again!”

Odin humphed once more, he pointed to his chest. “Then I suppose you know you have to kill me. I know you can do it.”

“What?” 

Odin’s eyes flicked dark as the words dripped in sarcasm.

“What are you, a d-dog? Don’t you realize that you have to kill me to get rid of me?”

“Y-You’re lying!”

“Of w-what? I’m not scared to die.” Odin beckoned, arms held out to accept the sentence. “Go o-on. D-do it. I’m waiting.”

Beowulf didn't answer, nor did he moved. He carried no gun, hid a small dagger in his pocket, what even was he trying to accomplish?

“Tch, w-wonderful.”

“No, wait...”

“I d-don’t think I’d wait for someone who just tried to punch me to save his daddy from god knows what. I’m f-fighting for s-someone I love. You just fight to be called a “good dog” like the little lost puppy you are.”

Odin spat on the ground.

“Ridiculous, I lost my ring to be assaulted by another insane cultist. Olai will love this.” He noted, before turning around to walk.

Beowulf snapped his fingers, almost desperately. “Seidre, Seidre, Seidre...”

Odin looked back, curious.

“You’re wrong. You’re wrong, you’re wrong, you’re wrong! You don’t know what it’s like to lose someone! You don’t know what it’s like to be hated! You don’t even know me! And I don’t want you to! I don’t want to fight! I just want my dad back! I want Seidre back!”

Odin didn’t speak, he observed the snapping fingers. 

Immediately, when his eyes looked to who was snapping, it was instead a young girl, far too familiar.

“I hate you!” she said, in her voice, frail as ever and crying.

“I hate everything about you! You’re just like me and I hate you! I never want to see you again!”

Odin’s heart was breaking, “Magpie...” He reached his hand out to her, but suddenly she sped off the other way, crying as she ran away. 

“Leave me alone!”

Jingling earrings snapped Odin back to where he was, the only thing remaining of where the young girl stood, was one simply black earring, with the cross still attached. Odin fell to the ground, a tree stump behind him as he analyzed the piece of jewelry, and he stretched his legs out onto the floor. Pipe puffing, purple smoke wrapped around him as he sat, meanwhile, the crying young girl sat on a tree branch away from him, drying her tears on the red flannel he wore. He scraped his scalp furiously as he mentally snapped his fingers, clutching his lonely right ear.

He didn’t want to admit it. He didn’t even want to see him. Yet, here he was, snapping his fingers and chucking what looked like a silver ring with a jewel over to the other boy after using his illusions. It was terrible, to do so, he’d say if it were anyone else...

“I see you hesitate...” A pair of coarse claw like hands pawed delicately on Beowulf’s shoulders, one softly stroking his cheek as the other massaged his back.

“What do you want, Seidre?”

The hands stopped.

“Is that anyway for a son to address his father?”

...

“Sorry Papa...”

“That’s better, now...” Seidre’s head appeared, decked out in his opponent’s fangs and bones and snickered as he watched his host toss the ring out towards Odin.

“The first to retrieving our wish... Oh, I can just feel the excitement!”

“...”

Beowulf kept silent, he kept watch on Odin. Every breath, every facial movement, even the soft smile the other proudly displayed when Odin put the ring back where it belonged, on a silver chain to wear.

It was hard to admit, perhaps...

“Come along now... We couldn’t destroy Pedri, but who’s not to say the other hosts aren’t around the corner?” Seidre spoke, shifting out of view.

“...Yes, papa.” Beowulf turned, ready to leave, before looking back at the infamous Odin Arrow, in his own pathetic state.

“...” 

Maybe, they were like each other. Maybe they were just on the wrong side... Maybe Seidre...

Maybe he really wasn't fighting for anyone... Just himself...

Even if there were questions bubbling everywhere, there was but one tiny truth to be told...

He had to admit, despite hating Odin for what he was, and for only speaking the truth,

Odin was cute when he was happy.

Ike (Fake Date)

We all know canonically Ike has no gf / bf, so, why not be the unrequited crush?

The merchants would have been furious with him. No, in fact, Aimee would have had his head on a platter if she had ever found out that the young man was traveling and ended up becoming the temporary merchant of the famous Greil Mercenaries.

He had everything they needed:

Vulneraries, Concoctions, Iron blades and weaponry forged by his own hard labor...

But there was something no forge or gold could get him.

It was true love.

And it was sappy, sure. Words of a bard would scoff at how simply those 4 words would sound, but here he was... Contemplating yet fantasizing.

He, a lowly merchant who’s only worth in battle was a flimsy sword and a text of fire that would singe if he wasn’t careful: He was by no means anything useful to the person his heart soar to.

With blue hair and a sword of tarnished gold, it was hard not to fall head over heels with him. He was strong, he was blunt, and his sword was as sharp as his merit.

And yet, despite all his training, all his mental gymnastics to learn basic magic... He simply knew that Ike was never meant to be his, much less, perhaps, anyone. And he persisted anyway, training with a sword day in and day out in secret with the mercenaries, in particular a chatty woman by the name of Mia, who was by far more than happy to gossip about “her boss”, not that he needed to know.

He learned to cook meat for the mercenaries, at a decent price he might add... But no man of blue hair stepped into the shop to purchase the savory chicken that would lay on the fire roasting. Only the hungry trainees and the even more insatiable Laguz would waltz in, drink a vulnerary or two and lend a laugh as they went about their purchases.

But it was the Great Annabelle’s Ball that seared him off his debilitating gloom... Only the finest merchants were allowed to attend, where the weapons of the gods were on display, as well as royals who were looking to partake in rich and lavish hedonism were proudly adorned in the nearby city’s richer districts. Oh, it’d be a shame not to go, of course! However...

“Only 2 may attend, a guest is mandatory.” 

It suddenly did not seem as such a shame not to go.

But... Perhaps...

Was it worth it..?

“A-Ah, h-hello there, how can I...”

“...Help me?” The man asked, scratching the back of his head. The green cloth wrapped around his head stuck out like a sore thumb, and the azure hair that glistened in the noon sunlight: He had just finished training, he was sure of it.

“R-Right, what’ll it be?”

Ike paused, momentarily stringing the words along mentally.

“Actually, it seems I’ll have to ask you that. As you can see, a few of the mercenaries told me about you...”

His heart was beating.

He knew it.

He was found out.

Oh by Naga he was going to kill Mi--

“And I heard about your ball, the one about the royals showing up and all that?”

By all that is holy...

“I was hoping if I could attend with you.”

By all that is holy, blessed be Mia’s-

“I’d like to see if perhaps the mercenaries can achieve anymore connections via this ball, perhaps if we can extend our reach, more will join our cause, after all. I hope you can understand if that’s at all fine with you, friend.”

“Ah...”

It wasn’t meant to be, and for that, he sighed.

He knew it too well, but, alas... It was better to have loved than to have never loved at all.

“You bet, I’ll make the arrangements. Even if we can’t, ah, find something suitable for you, I’m sure I can work something up for you, fitting fee for fitting in, wouldn’t you say?”

Ike nodded, people weren’t his most passionate subject, but those he could be simply himself with... They were his go-to.

“Tell ya what, you come in here tomorrow night, I’ll polish up the finest merchandise I have, and we go amongst the nobles like Gods ourselves, what’d ya say to that, long tall and blue?”

He had to say it, oh by the gods he had to, even if he was going to be turned down.

“Understood. Tomorrow night it is then.”

The merchant smiled. To spend the night with a radiant hero...

Ike turned around, feet just about to step out of the caravan.

“Ah, actually, I’ve heard you sell meat so well, Oscar even complimented it... I’d like to try some.”

It was certainly something to die for.

Honestly, this was so much fun, yet, like, so HARD TO DO LIKE OH MY GOD DUDE hwsjpidk[fv

But I love you s o much for bringing these asks in!!! I’ve got to do the other one for you soon, kay???

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

8/9/19 12:34 AM the super update. aka get your shit together Endgame post 1/?

Well. Here I am. It’s hard to even approach this post, to be honest. I’ve been procrastinating for so long. So long that it’s actually the last real thing I have left on my to do list.

Check this out.

I’ve been working hard at doing things lately. And catching up with you is basically the last thing left to do.

I finally spring cleaned all of my clothes and got rid of a ton of stuff that didn’t fit one way or another. 

I started playing guitar again.

I got my shit together with my job, got a bunch of online credits that I’d been procrastinating on. Started doing all the possible work I could every night to make my boss happy and it’s been making me a fuckton more money tbh. 

I’ve bought a bunch of cool shit, and been treating myself right with my food. I gained a bunch of weight back during the past year during my relationship with Andi. It’s not a terrible thing, I was treating myself. She convinced me that I deserved to treat myself and enjoy myself and that’s not a bad thing. But now I’m doing what I call Keto+, which is Keto+Beer lmfao.

I’m still going out drinking whenever I want, but for my meals I’ve stopped eating breads and rice and pasta, mostly just eating chipotle (just graduated to doing salads instead of bowls with light rice, though I wasn’t eating the rice just a bite here and there), sashimi from Hmart, lately once in a while a five guys lettuce wrap burger, back to doing salami and mozzarella at home. 

I’ve taken to fasting once a week on my thursday night shift (tonight), to try to accelerate the weight loss, but it’s not like my pov diets before because I’m still eating nuts.

It’s been a progression of increasing the amount I’ve been running (from one day to two days, to usually two maybe three days a week now, and the distance is a lot longer now), and cutting off more and more little cheats. E.g. the biggest was finally embracing sparkling waters instead of gatorade. I finally got to try Spindrift off a recommendation from a magic the gathering podcast, and it’s incredible. Only like 3 calories a can and it actually tastes good from the real juice and not bitter in the aftertaste. 

But anyway, I’ve got plenty of money now. My debts are paid, I’m ahead on bills, I’ve got all the sweet clothes I wanted, so I finally made the call last week.

It’s time to fix my car’s bumper. I’ll try to remember to get one last picture of lexi before I fix her broken front tooth.

Do you know what that means?

It’s the Endgame.

The Get Your Shit Together List I put together years ago... well let’s take a look at what’s left of it. The sad thing about digital to do lists is you don’t see the progression though. Wish I knew what was on there. I think a lot of it was losing weight, but I skipped the whole being healthy part before.

God damn, man.

Doc last edited Oct 2, 2018. I guess I started writing this plan out Jan 2017. I think my biggest priorities then were to cut down spending and pay off my debts. 

I never started exfoliating lol. I wonder if I should do that for my nose.

I didn’t give ashleigh her plane credit part because fuckit. I did end up using mine though, to take that trip to Hawaii to visit John. Pretty fucking baller. I guess that was another big step towards getting my shit together, too.

Quit melee, but now I’ve been playing again playing jigglypuff just to hang out with my roommates. It’s really neat not grinding falco, even though I lose a lot the game’s a lot more fun again.

OH MY GOD THOSE BLUE STORAGE CUBES. When I fucking talked about spring cleaning clothes? THATS what I meant. I’ve literally had this shit on my to do list for two YEARS hahahahah. About goddamn time. Holy fuck.

Got my deviated septum fixed, didn’t cost nearly that much thank the lawd.

Just went to the dentist, my teeth are doing great. Ironically they mentioned that I need to consider replacing one of the fillings that I mention getting here eventually. 

I did finally get a new laptop and backup the old one, uploaded that info to throw it out about two weeks ago. 

Actually got sweet ass new shoes booya checkem

I’m not vaping anymore, the whole juul pod fad never hit me. I’m doing cigarettes still, for better or for worse. Lol. I’ll take the cancer I know over the one I don’t.

But it’s better than I was when I was writing this list, I used to have to smoke one every single day after work. Maybe that was because I was hungry, but it was always this poignant craving on the back porch that I remember. Now I just like smoking when I drink mostly, but have the occasional one to chat with people or whatever.

Playing guitar again, not frequently, might start at work more since I’m playing the electric since I don’t have an acoustic available. Maybe I’ll even learn these songs. Playing guitar is great though, I kinda wanna be in a band sometime. That’d be fucking neat. Someone invited me to sing for his drunkenly at karaoke lol I should hit him up it’s been a minute. 

Got my nintendo switch, which I think was so far out of consideration that I deleted it from the fun stuff section. 

Who’d have thought I’d ACTUALLY start running and drinking water more. I guess I’m the greatest lmao.

Yeah man, like 15 pounds over the past 2 months. I think a lot of it was easy food weight, but it’s felt really rewarding all the same. Gotta keep it up, this 175 hurdle has been a tough nut to crack, but I’m gonna be really proud of myself once I get into the 160s territory again. I’m doing pullups slightly more, maybe I need to do the whole situps-pushups-pullups regimen right before/after running to really push it. Idk, i’m just glad i’m being good about it.

I’m even flossing once a week now.

Things are really shaping up. 

But with money in my bank account there are three options that I have.

1. Save it by buying stocks

2. Blow it by buying a bunch of dumb shit

3. Finish off the to do list and actually get my bumper fixed.

I wanted to ignore 3 because it feels like a dumb expense for a minor aesthetic, but I guess in view of all these things I’ve accomplished it really does mean quite a bit more than that. So I made a claim on a ding on the side of my car and I’m gonna see if I can get it all fixed up. I’ve actually taken on a few extra days of work lately and made even MORE extra money, so I don’t think it should knock me back financially at all. Which means that it’s time. 

I’m finally doing it.

It feels really cool. I’m a little bit anxious about it in the sense that it’s gonna be annoying if they deny me getting the bumper fixed because of the collision damage that I never reported. But whatever we’ll cross that bridge in a few weeks when I get the damage inspected and see what happens.

This has been my brag post. Hope you were able to tolerate it all. But that’s only the first phase of catching up. It’s only been a half hour of writing! I’ve got a lot of time left at work tonight and I might even spend a lot of this weekend at Darlin’s catching up if I have to. Catching up with this blog is as big a part of getting my shit together as scheduling my appointment with the car insurance was.

So what I mean to say is we’re gonna catch all the way through my greensboro days up to now. I have some saucy tales and some not-so-saucy ones. I’ve got a full relationship to blab about, and honestly one thing that I had promised her and was on a bunch of my old to do lists was to do like a whole pro-con listing about her persona, which felt weird and I kept procrastinating on but god dammit I’m gonna get everything off my to do lists. 

So I looked back a little and it looks like the last posts I made were about sally, Becky,  whatever the hell my dealings with Taylor were, and the beginnings of Mary. Which means that we’re gonna flesh out Mary, and then you’ve got Sophie, Rachel, Olivia, Andi, Jennifer, Heather, and Jill to look forward to.  Whew baby.

[ts-nightingaleislands]

Episode #13- FINALE

I gotta say Im SUPERRR upset with myself right now. To be completely honest I feel like I could have won had my laptop not frozen which would have been really nice to have. What is making this worse is knowing I lost because my computer decided to freeze for 1st time ever! 

This is okies though. Once I get to the end I'll just be able to stick to the narrative of things never going my way but I still persevered! 

The silver lining to losing and Cheatham winning is knowing this means Sara goes. I was a little worried that if Cheatham left it keeps AMs options open. Now if he wins its gonna force her hand. I just have to promise her F2 even more and pray it convinces her NOT to do anything crazy

(LATER)

I've done some rethinking- if AnnMarie is in f4 with Sara and Austin I'd like to think it means she is not gonna try and target anyone but them. I should be safe...but I am also interested in seeing if Cheatham legit votes for Austin or not

Yeah so um...Apparently Austin leaked everything that Cheatham told him to AM and Chris yesterday so they added him to an alliance chat. But pretty sure they're also playing semi emotionally rn and not thinking straight. If AM was actually going to potentially idol Austin out before..she knows he's a clear threat. All it takes is Chris/am/cheatham to get together and hash this all out and turn on Austin. Though idk how likely it is Cheatham would do that. He's flat out told me that he knows Austin is the biggest threat yet he seems stuck like glue to him. I mean..so am I...but I don't really have a lot of other options...they all want me out...and there's no way to immunity streak. I really need Austin to stay because I truly believe he'll at least tie at f4 if we have to. Cheatham may not no matter how many times he's told that Am/Chris won't split. Or he'll vote me assuming he's winning final immunity.

I'm thinking about telling Cheatham straight up I am voting him. Its just weird because he seems to already know he is likely going so perhaps AnnMarie has already talked to him, not sure but I do feel bad even if he is voting me out

I feel like I am now sort of in a great spot because I am framing AnnMarie to be the one calling the shots but actually she is coming to me asking what to do O-O. So Operation: Wolfsheep(?) was a success! I told her to see how Sara feels about Austin/Chatham became we have to max our benefits!

(LATER)

Here we go again! Austin and AnnMarie on at the same time so lets get this party started

Hi Friends, its final five! And I wanted to quit the game again! By far the hardest immunity challenge that I've ever done and tbh it pissed me off. I lasted 3 hours and 14 minutes and for what? To fight for my life again bc I might get voted out? It pisses me off. My body is still completely sore. Anyways, My plan for this week is to convince Am to vote out either Chris or Austin, I don't care who, bc they will vote each other out if it means that they get to stay. I made a DAMN good plea to AM and it seems like it might have worked. BUT you never know. If this works out for me, Its just another thing on my resume :)

(LATER)

WELL CHANGE OF PLANS. REWIND. Austin literally just called me and told me how he got added to a F3 with AM and Chris.He told Sara about it so she wants me, him, and her to work together and get out CHRIS. AHHHH CRAZY RIGHT? Like I don't wanna work with them but it is the only thing that will get me through this week. Hopefully it works out. PEACE.

Ahhh! I feel like Dorothy in Oz right now! My yellow brick road is splitting and I don't know which path to followwwww!!! Technically AM could screw things with the idol (which she finally came clean about) but there's pros and cons to all vote options this round... Voting Cheatham this round would likely make it easier for me to win immunity. I also don't fully trust him. HOWEVER, that still leaves AM and Chris in the game together and I'm nearly certain they will vote together next round. Voting Cheatham would also keep a tad of trust with AM and hopefully she and Chris would fire Austin  instead of me. But Austin is also close with Chris. Taking this path would probably leave f3 wide open and if I did somehow end up f3 with Chris/AM, I HAVE to win immunity or I'm ducked. But if that f3 did happen and I won final immunity, I'd have a much easier win than with Austin...but do I even want it easy? That's boring. You can't be the best until you win against the best. And... Voting Chris would break him from AnnMarie and we wouldn't have to worry about them trying to make finals together. Plus, Cheatham would be there next round, so maybe I could get her to vote Cheatham out next round if he isn't immune. Then in a F3 situation, I THINK both Austin/AM would take me instead of each other. But it's also a risk because I'd be leaving AM out of this vote and she may not trust me. Or can #GirlPower prevail? Did any of this make sense? And all of this lit only works if Austin doesn't plan on turning against me. If he does ..then RIP my game all together.

omg i feel im def the one going home . all my flipping and leaking info has finally caught up to me and i cant blame ppl for finding out haha. we will see what happens. tumblr survivor gods please be with me!

3 votes Chris, 2 votes Austin.

WTF?!?! I cant believe I made it past that tribal.  Thank god for sara and cheatham having my back this vote. Idk what's gonna happen next but I gotta try not damn hardest on this immunity or it could be me going home next .

Idk what my end game plan is really.  Idc who I go to the end with I just wanna make it there.  So I gotta convince someone to vote with me so at least if anything it will be a tie and there is a chance for me . It's been a hard game but I have loved every second of it <3

Ughhhh...I know what needs to be done this round but it's soooo hard!! As annoyed as I am with the way Austin tried playing the game, making F2's with idek how many people, he's still like the nicest kid ever and I feel bad. Like bro, you had a good enough social game...you didn't NEED to do that. He literally probably would have gotten by with it too if it wasn't for him leaking AM's idol plans back to her (literally told him he's going to get himself in trouble) and also telling AM Cheatham/I were voting Chris so she should save him to take out Cheatham. Lit, he could have been honest with me and and just voted Cheatham and I wouldn't have cared. But trying to be so sneaky and then blatantly lying to me about it is something. And that is that on that. As far as this F3 goes...I'm nervous. I'd love to win final immunity to ensure a spot in finals but really it's a double edged sword. I won like 4 or 5 individual immunities in my last game and jury apparently dragged me saying that's the only reason I made finals. I knew that was not true and hosts did too, but perception is reality. Also, winning forces me to piss off either AM or Cheatham. I really do not need that. I low-key, strategically brought up a F2 to AM at the last vote just to see if she had one with Chris to decide what last rounds best vote was. If she had one with him, I figured she'd sorta brush off mine. If she didn't, I figured she'd be all for it. Well...she didn't tell me I'm her F2 until AFTER Chris was blindsided, so we know what that means. But now..she may have taken mine seriously and be saltier than the Atlantic if I gave her 3rd. What would ultimately be best is for one of the other 2 to win immunity and convince them to take me with. Unless they already have a f2 together, I think this would be easier with AM as I could use the 'Cheatham was the Thrush underdog' and '#GirlPower' on her. But...she's just not the greatest at comps so I feel that's not an option. Cheatham might be more difficult as I know fo sho he's thirsty for a W. He's literally tried taking me out for whatever reason several times. Why would he target me instead of AM if it wasn't for threat purposes? But if he did win, my argument is gonna be that she auto has Chris' vote and literally ZERO blood on her hands with the jury. What else can I use with him? Maybe peeps like Noah rigging immunity for me at merge so that I'd stay loyal and then backstabbing anyway. Salt. OR Liam asking for a F2 (even tho it was lit during Tribal and too late to save himself) and then voting him out. More salt. Honestly though, idk if anything I say would change his mind...so throwing the comp intentionally is risky...risky af...but it could also be the difference in winning/losing. How about that novel? x)

Hello friends. I've made it again. I was hoping that I could win immunity too but I couldn't. TBH, I don't THINK I'm going home this week. Though I very well could, I just don't see it. The way I'm playing this week is how to get a F3 that will take me to F2. My target this week is Austin. Sara told me a lot of shit about Austin so I think it is pretty obvious that she wants him out. Then there is AM who is very quiet but why would she not vote Austin. Hopefully Austin goes and then boom! I'm in F3 and HAVE to win that immunity.

(LATER)

OKAY this is my ENDGAME plans. Out of the four that are left. I'm hoping that I can take AM to F2. Tbh I feel I can defiantly beat Sara and AM. Sara I feel like just wouldn't take me to the end. Austin, though I feel I can beat, also played a really good game. I'm gonna plead my case to the jury like this. I was a target every single week for pre-merge. Every time, they wanted me out. I somehow managed to bounce back each time. I was unanimously Petrels target come swap/merge and I lasted through that. I gained a lot of peoples trust which was shown in the Captaincy immunity challenge. I was the vote that decided if Rizo was to go or not. And when it came time, I told him that. I tried my best to play an honest game. I was able to get the Idol and had it for 5 rounds without anyone voting it out of me. I was able to get everyone to take out Noah because I saw him as the biggest threat in the game. For Vincents week, I somehow convinced Sara and AM that the whole thing was Vincents idea and he made me believe that I needed to vote out Sara. EVEN AFTER I literally just used an idol to get Sara out. AND convinced Vincent to come BACK to me and vote Sara out .hats pretty badass. On Chris' week, once again I decided who goes home and I picked the right way if that means that I end up in F2. Every week, I had to FIGHT to be there. That is something that I don't think a lot of people had to do. I always came close to winning immunitys, if I didn't win. And proved that I'm not only a strong social player, but also a strong comp competitor.

IM HERE IM HERE IM HERE IM FINALLY HERE!!! FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER I CANT BELIEVE IT I REALLY CANT BELIEVE IT OMG. THIS IS MAKING ME LOSE MY MIND IM SO HAPPY! I never thought I would make it this far into the game, and I'm so excited for the possibility of f3. People are telling me that they're voting Austin, but it's been awfully quiet. I'm scared that the silence is a sign, but I hope that I'm just being paranoid. I'm just happy to be here.

3 votes Austin, 1 vote AnnMarie.

well, here we are, final 3. I guess this is where my game ends. Sara just won immunity and after I plead my case and my feelings are basically crushed. She rubs a little salt in the wound by telling me a move that I messed up on. Vincent wasn't the one who told Sara and AM about the vote switch. It was Austin. It just really frustrating how this game played out. I worked my motherfucking ass off. It seems like I did it for nothing. This is my last org for hopefully a long while and I was hoping I'd get that edit of "Underdog Villain Wins the Season and Leaves the Hateful Community" and I didn't get that edit. I'm not gonna get that edit. I spent the entire first half of this game as the "Other vote" all people wanted to do was blindside me/ get me out. I had a breakdown early on in the game (def wasn't my last one) where I wanted to quit the game. The guy that I was falling in love with broke my heart, my job was chaotic, I was getting SHIT ON on discord, was doing endurance comp after endurance comp and there was no pay off, was failing my classes, was losing friendships, and all I wanted to do was quit. But I didn't and I kept going. I kept playing my ass off and it sucks to be out played. Im a sore. loser. TRUST ME I KNOW. But to come this far and still lose, it fucking sucks, Yes, this is just a game. I get it. Log off, quit, do whatever you need to do to not let it control your life. I can't DO THAT though. I love orgs! This is the kind of stuff that I always wanted to do! I have a lot of stuff to work on within myself. I know. But for right now, all I want to do is win. And I'm almost positive that its not gonna happen. I don't even think that Im gonna get POTS. Just sucks to put so much effort into something with zero pay off. Anyways. I guess I'll see y'all sometime. Much love.                                                                                             - The Villain

Did I just do THAT?!? Force myself to finals!? I know this sounds sappy and cheesy over an online game...but my entire life I've been really underestimated..for multiple reasons, so it feels great to be able to prove myself in any situation. No, I haven't won...but have at least dragged myself as far as you can go in this game. Now it's [semi] out of my hands. But now is the hard part... Who do I take with me!? I literally went to sleep last night wanting to take Cheatham. I woke up this morning wanting to slap myself in the face for thinking that. Now I want to take AM. The perk to taking AM is that I 100% feel that my game was superior. I also 'technically' asked her for a f2, though on my end it was more strategic as mentioned in an earlier confessional. However, I still do not like breaking F2s if avoidable. But she did also tell me she'd have taken Cheatham to finals over me so... And the perk to taking Cheatham is that I feel like he's more deserving of finals and winning (or losing) against him would feel much better than the other option. But is it worth breaking the f2, especially when AM was probably slightly more loyal to me? I know she said my name once too, but Cheatham said it multiple times AND tried to freaking idol me out! Even after all of that I was willing to work with him and saved him a couple rounds...but when is enough, enough??

Wow. I cannot believe I am finally here at the very end. This is so shocking to me. I have never gotten this far before in any game, so I am just so excited. I am so happy that Sara decided to take me with her to the end, but I know for a fact that I have a very small chance of winning this. I really need to get on track and figure out how to talk like a normal human being so I can win over the jury, any way I can. Making that video for right of passage was so pointless (although it was super fun to make). It was not what Sara and Cheatham had done. I really wish I would have done the doc to at least clarify what the hell I actually did in this game. In reality, I truly think I just played for a hell of a good time, and I had a hell of a good time, because it was a hell of a good time. You know what isn't a hell of a good time? Not being at the end with Cheatham. It would have been so fun, and I think it would be a little easier for me to talk. I think that speaking to the jury with Sara will get me a bit nervous. I am not the most articulate person, so going up against Sara concise speaking will ruin meeeee. But I will be extremely happy if Sara wins. She honestly deserves it.

Cheatham becomes the final member of the jury.

[survivormuxloe]

Episode 13: "so things went from Guatemala to Guatepeor” - Ahrre

david REALLY GOT BRAVE TRYNA COME FOR ME WHEN HIS ASS AINT IMMUNE HUH. aint it so.. vote me and ur ass gonna go... ijs!! rip my perf game but at least i was the last person to recieve votes so thats kinda cute.. it doesnt change the fact that im winning tho ALMFNBG like. just 3/4 more tribals to survive bitch.. give those immunity wins to me pls x :)))

LOWKEY MY ASS WAS NERVOUSSSS LIKE I DONT WANNA READ MY NAME ON THOSE PIECES OF PAPER AGAIN THO!!! altho my name is cute written out by anna highkey ngl.. maybe she'll write them in cursive for my winner reveal? x

my mind tho. rhys/tobi/ryan r all under my spell. missus mo and ahrre got brave and are gunna get a taste of hell when im not dying under exams lol x ALMFJHBFG

lvoe u gusys. xoxo ur winner scooty toots

Well fuck. David is gone. I’m in the minority. So now it’s just me and Ahrre. But I don’t want to settle for 6th or 5th place. I’ve made it this far I wanna make it to the end. So I’m going to try to wiggle my way through.

http://images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/41700000/Avengers-Endgame-2019-avengers-infinity-war-1-and-2-41740034-540-225.gif

So the situation is looking pretty grim, Rhys stuck with the majority, David the absolute unit is dead and I wouldn't be surprised if I'm the next one to go.

So right know things change as it's no longer about getting majority but rather get that group of 4 to cannibalize itself. Now the thing is that each of those 4 seem so confident in their position but only 3 make it to the end so that means at least one will end up being left out and that's just with a minimum level of snaking, but we know they are capable of way more shafty shit.

But their overconfidence in their position is not the only problem. It's also kinda hard when I've tried to blindside 3 of them. But hey at least you can't say I didn't try. Tobi is not willing to even tell me anything until tomorrow after we do the challenge. But he also says he's rooting for me as an underdog even if we're in oposite sides... Cheky fecker trying to get my jury vote...

As for the rest well I'll try to talk to them tomorrow, if I can commend Mo for something is that at least they might be more willing to work with him than me, which is clearly not a good thing for my game but eh wadda you do. I know for a fact by now everyone is gonna be saying that the plan is me going home probably 5-1 but if that's gonna end up being true or just a bluff for one of the 4 to get blindsided is still to see.

Either way I'm gonna try to stir some shit up and not be a voulnerable pleb waiting to be taken out or saved. Better dead than a goat.

These fattys are going down one by one... i love it... like highkey david going means that me and scott have to step up our physical games if we wanna take out ryan... someone else has to win immunity and then we can start pinning moves on ryan... I'm slowly repairing my relationship with ahrre by having a frank talk with him about our relationship in the game, which was both awkward but i think it helped??? im trynna work him pretty hard because he's a tough nut to crack but i think i can do it hehe... scott is working on mo but lets be real mo is easier to crack than ahrre, and honestly rhys' performance last tribal was good.. too good imo like.. i previously pinned him as an inactive goat but if he's able to connect with the other side that well and have them believe what he was saying, i have to give him props because that's some good plays in terms of benefiting our alliance for knowledge, bad jury management sure, but good for the alliance... at this point tbh,,, who the fuck cares about jury management... but then again it's important if you wanna win so maybe im just a dumbass

Well right now it’s final 6 and the question of a final 2 or 3 is up for debate because it could be either or.

After that tribal and David left, he tried to expose me when I had exposed myself already to the people he exposed me too. So sis there was no new tea.

Honestly now one of our 4 needs to go. The only one I would feel confident about going to the end with would be Ryan. Just as I feel he has done less. I’m super close with Scott, so I think right now I need to try and convince some people to vote out Ryan.

The only problem is I will probably need to convince Ryan and Scott or mo and ahrre. Mo and ahrre may not that me after lying to them two rounds in a row. And Scott seems to be strong for our alliance sticking to the end. So I’m going for this immunity as if I win it should all the confidence I need to make a move against my own.

I’m not feeling great. I don’t like a conversation I just had. It made me wanna quit. I’m not going to because I wanna do my best.

i really found an idol day 1 and made it to final 6 with it safe and sound.... ctfu how did this even happen, and Scott too we rly did that. the only thing about that is.... at least until we surpass final 5, there's always that worry that im gonna make a fool of myself with it and hnnnng. i feel like our 4 is solid af and yet, i'm still making myself paranoid that Tobi or even Rhys would perk up and randomly try to blindside me or Scott... but anyway yeah thats where my head at rn. i still don't talk to ahrre at all so he's a complete mystery and no idea if anyone else talks to him so that's great. Mo is an oddball still idk what to do w him kfsdfa

So I want to flip on my alliance this round. But 2 people outside my alliance are throwing me hardcore under the bus. Ok. So like how am I gonna make a move now.

pls god... lett this immunity challenge be in my favour alkfjnhfg i just want a win pls pls pls let me be guaranteed f4 lol

I just had a really good conversation with Tobi and it’s making me like really happy because this entire game I’ve gotten the short end of the stick. With people not thinking I don’t deserve to be here, that I’m a goat and people sending me condescending messages about my mistakes. It feels really nice to get praised for the good things. Don’t get me wrong I own up to my mistakes and I do my best to improve and change moving forwardss so I don’t make the same mistakes again. But usually the conversations that happen before that aren’t very happy, they’re needed and they end on a peaceful note but they don’t start out happy. But Tobi just praised me on my gameplay complimenting me and it’s such a good feeling. I think I might end up in fifth or sixth place but I’m still proud of myself and I’m going to keep fighting till the end.

so like... I'm really happy i won immunity but im kinda more annoyed with scott right now like... we had this big plan to take out ryan at 6 which is literally a perfect time now since 1) we can access numbers for it 2) he wont suspect it so the chance of an idol popping up is low 3) we can gain trust with ahrre and mo this way... but NOOOOOOOOO lets play with our emotions instead of our BRAINS and take out someone who has played a bad game and would be EASY to beat in the end like JESUS and i thought ahrre had his head up his ass... also scott is SO fucking confident know like he acts like he will 100% win against anybody in ftc and like sis... that's not the case... not if you're constantly confronting and arguing with mo and ahrre... use. ur. BRAIN.

Cemetery....

Anywho, this vote. Mo & Ahrre are voting me probably. So It seems to be a 4-2 vote. However an Idol may be played now more than ever, as I think this is the first time someone from the bottom hasnt had any hope of staying. (Dani, Felix & Jones were all blindsided , and Michael & David had some chance of staying). So one could easily be played. So ima try to push a 2-2-2 vote to save my ass.

so. (: I lost spelling bee. (: LAMDLFNFG

lowkey feel as if the words are suitable to the player tho. embarrass for ahrre as in that game is embarrassing. accommodate for Mo as in we have to accommodate for the fact that he’s a goat. Cemetary for rhys bc he makes us all wanna die @ tribals. handkerchief for me bc my ass gotta clean up ryan and tobi wanting to target each other.. and rhythm for tobi bc while hes in time rn that time is gonna run out soon :flushed:

i just dont want 6th ):

So I know it’s me and Ahrre on the chopping block. I just kinda wanted to make a quick plea. I really really wanna stay. I want to go as far as I can even if that’s just fifth. Not only to prove people wrong thinking I don’t deserve to be here, but also to prove to myself. Whatever decision you make tonight I respect wholeheartedly. But I’d love to go further.

I CACKLED @ THIS COPY PASTED PLEA.. MO BABY WYD

I’m currently making my plea to the others on why I deserve to stay. I’m proud of myself no matter the outcome but I’d love to go as far as I can.

So ahrre and mo are both kindve pleading for themselves. Mo just wants him to be saved where as ahrre is trying to flip people. He is trying to flip me again which is funny. Lowkey am a little worried just Incase it’s a ploy to get people to vote me or something. But he needs me and tobi to flip. So I think he won’t vote me which is great, incase a surprise idol is played.

soooo final 6 tribal. I definitely want Ahrre to leave finally, so how to make that happen. Scott informed me that mo/ahrre lowkey suspect i have an idol so wig. i would prefer if we went 4 strong on Ahrre bc I really don't think he has any powers, but the thing about that is i don't want to campaign for that to happen and make it look like i feel safe about idols... i don't want tobi or rhys to get suspicious and get the urge to flip on me/scott.. so kinda tricky. we'll see what happens

so recently scott and ryan have really been pounding on mo for his goatness and like... I took advantage of that hehe... I talked to mo and had a real heart to heart with him and like... I told him that he deserves more credit than he's getting and then more wholesome stuff and then BAM we got past the barrier we previously had and now we're totally cool!!... where ryan and scott burn bridges, im gonna build new ones!! so like that wasnt TOTALLY just for strategy like im not that big of an asshole... but its a mix of both. mo is a good kid and he gets too much backlash for his game.. and im gonna take advantage of that by showing up as his guardian angel hehe.. and who knows like this might pay off hugely when i need his vote at f5 to take out a bigger player but for now i'll stick to tending to his wounds that scott and ryan left.. and they really did come for him pretty hard... like REALLY hard so there is no harm in coming to him and helping him with his confidence and who knows, that might be a jury vote right there

Right so things went from Guatemala to guatepeor, I didn't win immunity I actually flopped at it in wonderful fashion it was quite beautiful really. But anyhow Tobi ended up winning it.

So I tried to talk to people and get them to do ANYTHING but to no avail really. Ryan and Scott seem set on stone. I did get Tobi to tell me that if it ties 3-3 he would flip on the revote but that's just playing it safe. Rhys told me he doesn't want to go to rocks so I'm like hey Tobi supposedly flips on the revote so maybe there's no need for that go talk to Tobi.

But they all seem to be giving me the silence threatment right before tribal even Mo has accepted what seems to be me going home.

It's a shame really cause if I do end up going home one of the majority of 4 is gonna regret it the very next week and two more later when the 4th beats them at the end. But hey congrats to that 4th guy whoever it is.

I've tought about doing an idol bluff but it wouldn't make sense for me to tell anyone I have it. Even Mo since if I hipotetically had it he wouldn't help me with it because he would be the one going home probably. Also because I would've definitely played it in a previous round for someone else if I had it and the rest probably knoes that.

Either way rn I'm currently trying to get home in time for tribal since I had to walk a chunk because I almost didn't had enough for the bus fare lel. Who knows maybe I'll survive somehow like the cockroach I am but I don't rate my chances or luck very highly. Either way at the end of the day I'm happy and you can't say I didn't try!

Ahrre is voted out 5-1.

[dcathwithoutglory-blog]

it’s jay. again. my browser just crashed. so i’m just gonna copy and paste my old intro. there’s no time to try and make it better. rip !

⌊ priyanka chopra, cis woman, antigone ⌉ ⏀ have you spoken to ALEXANDRA “ALEXA” MEHRA recently? the THIRTY-FOUR year old who’s been in seneca for SEVEN YEARS or so? either way, they always seem to remind me of FLOWERS PLACED ON A GRAVE, A RUSTY COMPASS, STORMS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT whenever i see them on main street. on a good day they’re pretty MORALISTIC, but they can also be RESISTANT. ⌊ jay, 19. est, she/her ⌉

the story of antigone that y’all probs already know but jic.

triggers: brief implication of incest but like wbk, brief mention of suicide, death, creon bein a bitch

brief overview of antigone (character + eponymous story):

antigone was born to oedipus and jocasta.

we all know what happened there. after that, oedipus was like “see no evil feel no evil” and jocasta yeet’d out of living.

her brothers went to war against each other. when creon ascended to the throne, he allowed burial for eteocles with honors, but was like “lmao if u bury polyneices i will kill u”

but antigone was like ‘lmao SURE JAN’ and tried to convince ismene, her sister, to help her bury polyneices. ismene was like ‘ok that’s a rly bad idea like good luck but count me out tbh.’

antigone is rly bad at digging graves tho so polyneices’s body was found and creon was like ‘oh my GOD’ and she’s like ‘fuck the government viva la morality!’

then creon was like ‘ok anyway rmr when i said u wld die if u buried polyneices so ig now u have to be buried alive in a tomb’ then antigone was like ‘actually i’ll be hanging myself before u can do fuck the government’

then he was like ‘at least u’ll be dead! oh wait -

Y’ALL GO SAVE EVERYONE’ but then it was too late

antigone and his son had both killed themselves and everyone, including himself, were just like

“get WREKT creon!!!!!”

alexa ( play despacito ).

triggers: suicide (x2), death (x3), mental illness implications, war, brief mentions of torture and murder

ok now onto alexandra ! so, like i did for valda, i looked up names that shared the same meaning as ‘antigone’ (which essentially means “against”) and one of the suggestions was alexa but i also wanted it to sound. super valiant. but at the same time. i wanted it to be something that could have a conversational nickname. so im already hc’ing that she has ‘despacito’ saved on her phone. also alexandra is my middle name so like?? stan list?? OK ANYWAY.

alright, so alexandra was born to a very upper-class family. her father was a politician and her mother was a successful lawyer. they provided well for the perfect nuclear family –– two sons, two daughters, a golden retriever, two cats in the yard life used to be so hard now everything is easy cause of-

like... her early life, say birth to age 14, was... nice. actually normal and nice. have i ever done that before? has my own edgelord ass ever done that before? i don’t think so.

which is why things obviously took a turn for the worse

but yeah. when she was 14, she was like “hey mom idk how to do pre-algebra” (a mood) but there was no response from her mom. so shrug city, you know? she just went to her older sister instead. but like... so much time passed.... and nothing....

finally, this nosy bitch decided to be like “ok i’m gonna go see what tf she’s doing” and that was just... a terrible idea. instead of finding her mom doing her nails or talking on the phone or any number of reasons she may not have come out yet, she found her mother hanging from the ceiling fan.

she tried to get her brothers’ and sister’s help, and they tried so desperately to help (you know, while also calling 911 and their father), but it was to absolutely no avail.

after this hella traumatizing experience, the children grew closer as the father grew farther.

he began getting lost in his own mind, sometimes accidentally mixing the past with the present, a la willy loman style. he would hold slight conversations with their ‘mother’ while at the table, then began holding them with various others from the past. it was pretty clear that his mind had just been looking for an excuse to snap, and the death of his wife had been the perfect scapegoat.

although it had originally just affected him in his home life, he began holding said conversations in the presence of people outside his family.

this is not good for a politician.

i mean it’s not good for anyone but...

his support immediately began dropping. his team gradually left him, finding there was no way he would ever be able to gain another victory if he kept on living in a limbo between the past and the present. given that he’d started ‘talking to his brother’ during one of his speeches... 

rest in peace to his career.

alexa (play despacito) was 18 at the time, her sister - 20, one of her brothers - 21, the other - 24.

they were all legal adults! some of them had even moved out! so their father figured his next move would not affect him in the way their mother’s death had!

so he shot himself.

the only people who showed up at his funeral were alexa and her sister. her eldest brother proclaimed that flying across the country would be too much of a hassle for that, and the other brother simply did not respond.

her eldest brother did, however, enlist in the army after setting legalities in place that would allow him to send money back to his siblings. he had joined simply because it was an easy opportunity (what with all of the propaganda), but his decision prompted the other brother to do the same –– this time because he was talented at ‘the art of fighting.’

and bc more money but like... get wrekt.

alexa’s sister dropped out of college to work a full-time job –– one that paid fairly handsomely. alexa took some odd jobs.

aka, everyone was trying to make money.

creon was right when he said “money! nothing worse”

so things kind of dipped when the eldest brother was killed. after an accusation that he’d become a traitor, their other brother had taken it upon himself to ‘anonymously’ torture and shoot him. but the other side did it!

which everyone knew was a lie.

because of the accusations, he was not only not allowed a military funeral, he was also not meant to be buried in any honorable fashion. instead, his body was returned to his hometown to be buried there following a quiet and uneventful funeral.

his grave was left unmarked.

nonetheless, the grave was visited every day, new flowers laid atop.

meanwhile, their other brother was considered a newfound military icon. he’d gotten rid of a ‘traitor’ (they continued to pretend it was someone from the other side, of course), he’d killed many an enemy, he’d done this and that and this and that and it all made him look so morally grey to alexa and her sister (who, granted, had yet to find out he’d killed their other brother), but like such a white knight to his fellow soldiers.

he truly rose in the ranks. it was what he was meant to do.

but the more he killed, the more he tortured, the lack of grief towards his brother’s death...

alexa’s sister wasn’t buying her hypothesis. it wasn’t necessarily because she saw their other brother was some pure being, but because she simply didn’t believe he was capable of that.

the next time alexa saw her brother, she got confirmation enough. what to do with the information, she wasn’t sure, but she knew she had to do something...

murder wasn’t the solution... she didn’t have any military connections that would allow for her to spout some lie about why he needed to be dishonorably discharged... but what he did couldn’t skate by...

to this day, she is still wondering what she can do to fuck him over. his success in the military keeps growing grander and grander, thus rendering any fake dishonorable discharge excuses completely moot. her sister still doesn’t believe that there really is a solution –– that, while it is greatly harmful, there’s absolutely nothing they can do and ruminating on it is worthless –– trying to find some quest to defeat their own brother is absurd.

although she has since moved to seneca, attracted to its small town appeal, she continues to visit her eldest brother’s grave every week –– it’s about a two hour drive, so it’s worth it.

she’s taken up work as a cemetery caretaker

because of COURSE she would.

and, although its pay is.... lousy, she’s been making due. for the tombstones no one visits any longer, first she’ll look them up to make sure they weren’t slave-owners or anything, she’ll bring them their own flowers. the dead deserve just as much respect as the living, hm?

personality.

i just realized i didn’t do this for valda (aka, i’m about to update her intro with it), but a total enneagram type 2.

too empathetic for her own good, too ‘this person whom i do not even know deserves flowers’ for her own good, too ‘i’ve got to protect _______ by doing _________’ for her own good

a capricorn

so driven by her own moral compass, she does not CARE about anything that says she has to go against it

her moral compass can be super faulty sometimes tho

pretty quick to make assumptions tbh, but has so far been right abt most of them.

so also driven by gut feelings ig

dramatic tbh. i mean she’s the adapted version of a character whose first lines contained “there's nothing, no pain—our lives are pain” SO.

also p independent (as in i said valda was independent), but her vendetta isn’t against men in general, rather just her brother who is still alive

so like,,, that said,,, holds grudges.

im bad at personality sections!! as has been stated before!! but i think the gist has been gotten across!!

wanted connections.

so rn i only have one specific one which is her sister and can be found on the wc page

will come up w/ unique ones later but until then open 2 hearing urs/brainstorming!

tl;dr.

(refer to triggers listed before the bullets.) a lot of death? like mom kills herself then dad turns into willy loman then dad kills himself. brothers both join the army. one brother kills the other brother for being accused of being a ‘traitor.’ said brother doesn’t get a proper funeral and his headstone is unmarked. the other brother rises in the rankings and alexa knows what happened. convinced her sister of it, but her sister is more logical and let her know that she was very angry too, but making her entire life about it would do nothing but endanger herself and others. moved to seneca because she liked the small town feel. still visits her eldest brother’s grave every week to leave flowers. works as a cemetery caretaker bc WHY NOT. brings flowers to graves that are either unmarked or no longer visited. i hope you read all of that and just thought ‘oh my god fckin EDGELORD’ because you’re right.

alright ! fin.

like this or hmu if you’d like to plot !

[survivornavarino]

Episode #10: I Gotta Try To Mix Stuff Up -Mo

F11 Cast Assessment: http://youtu.be/3hjwhTlBURs

HOW IN THE FUCKING FUCK DID I STAY! I WAS SO SURE THAT I WAS LEAVING. I had a plan with Ben to try and get votes on Jake, but that didn't work out so I had to put the votes on Ben. Shoo kith to the core.

https://m.popkey.co/43a077/WxxOd.gif

I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that Autumn, Eddie, Shoib, Jake and Bec are all in an alliance. Maybe Trixie and Matthew are in it too. Not good. I gotta try to mix stuff up. I'm in the minority.

https://youtu.be/DB5FzlfMBIU

Me changing my vote really changed the outcome of the mess I created huh https://media.giphy.com/media/3ohhwhjxmrQwLXJFgk/giphy.gif On a serious note what I did was wild and my own power scares me I need to chill the fuck out cause if jury is gonna act any way like Ben, I'm in trouble. I DO NOT want to slit every throat and highkey I'm covered in blood already btwn this and the Drew thing and I just like... need a minute. If I stick with Jake and Eddie they could easily benefit off a petty bitter jury and just say I was their gameplay, especially Eddie. Like all the "tea" starts with him but I'm the one using my strategic and social powers to make votes happen. If we're a "we" why am I the only one with blood on my hands? I can't explain it fully but it's come to light that the Drew vote was based on an al-lie-ance, which may or may not have been started by Eddie, and then a day later Eddie's trying to convince me to do a tie vote this round and I'm like lol no it's worth it right now that's too messy. Yet Eddie and Jake kinda make it happen anyway and conveniently need me to step in to get everyone to stop targeting Jake so I do, further implicate myself in that entire fiasco, vote for Heather then change my vote to Ben because Jake is begging, I cost myself a jury vote in the process, and now it's all over and once again I'm holding the bag. Except this time I feel like shit because Ben didn't derserve that but it worked out so Eddie and Jake are happy as can be and are already trying to find ways "we" can further stir the pot. Meanwhile I'm over here shooketh knowing I'm turning friends into jury enemies https://78.media.tumblr.com/80040e0dfe8ba752bd5b545fcb1b26d8/tumblr_of7tfgfboP1velux2o8_400.gif I'm not saying I'm gonna turn on Eight and Dr. Brenner but like never say never. You don't see any of my other allies exploiting their relationship with me and egging me on to be cracked because it's almost like- that's wrong and manipulative as fuck. If I had to pick between the two I'd keep Jeight cause Jeight (Jake + Eight) is my kindred cracked brother who also happens to be a bigger threat lmao. Mitch is literally Hopper and tbh I thought I could kill him and Shoib but the thought of that makes me sick. That's not who I am and the fact that Mitch and Shoib have never asked me to wile out it's very telling. I can already tell shit is gonna keep popping off cause there's a lot of people I don't want to personally kill because jury management and because I'm not that girl. All these moves put my game on the line, not everyone else's, so certain allies need me more than I need them. I went from 7 shields to 4 but at the end of the day if I'm protecting some of my shields more than they're protecting me, what good are they? I can slay all by myself https://media.giphy.com/media/3ohhwLCRptkjfHHiuY/giphy.gif

Okay bitches it's time for me to explain last round more in-depth because wow I did that. I was really nervous when I merged since Eddie/Autumn lied to me about the Drew vote and I didn't know if they'd still work with me. Me and Trixie played up being alone, and Julia added us to a chat to call where she pretty much listed all her allies and said she'd be with us over them. Me and Autumn have an interesting relationship, we cussed each other out after the vote but after we explained everything we kissed and made up. I was genuinely upset that Eddie lied to me like that so I made sure he knew I was and I think it helped in making him want to keep working with me. So I talked to Autumn at the beginning of the day about the vote and said that I wanted a fave out. She brought up Ben and I agreed immediately bc I don't trust him. She also wanted to tell her alliance with Rebecka that they could do Heather because Rebecka wanted her out. So after that I called Heather and exposed the Julia/Mo/Ben/Rebecka/Matt alliance and told her that we needed to stick together. She ended up telling me that she knew Trixie had the idol because Julia told her, so I acted like I didn't know about the idol, but she pretty much confirmed to me that Julia trusts her the most. I needed the Ben vote to go through and I needed Heather to be the other vote, because I knew that Julia would flip on Ben to save Heather. Things got scary when at like 6PM I heard my name was going around. From what I gathered, Ben, Mo, and Matt wanted to vote me instead of Heather, but Rebecka was adamant about voting Heather and I told Eddie and Autumn to say they wanted Heather to keep the vote off of me. Right before the votes Trixie transferred me her idol and told me to play it if Ben got idoled so um wig? She also told me that she voted for rebecka last minute in case we both idoled the votes.... BUT tribal happened and Ben went HOME! WOOOO I was so happy and I hope those stupid faves who didnt bother talkin to me this round were fucking SHOOK. I'm ready 2 turn up...

I really want to win this immunity to keep my ass safe, especially from last round. BUT THE GAG IS I SUCK AT FLASH GAMES LSFAKSFIL

Hi. I've been super inactive this week because I've been visiting friends but it is what it is.  So Ben getting voted out wasn't ideal, I would've loved to vote out heather but WHATEVER. I had to abstain from this challenge soooo I'm gonna be up for elimination and I hope I don't get votes this time! Who knows tho hehe not me 

lets vote julia OUT... sis you're not about to play this middle in this game!! That’s me and autumn’s job! That’s why I’m throwing julia so far under the bus right now. You can only play the middle in survivor if you have people who have a lot of trust in you from both sides. I’m making sure that matt and rebecca never look at julia as a possible number again because they distrust her and feel like she’s thrown them under the bus. It would be a cute concept if we could just vote julia out this round honestly. Vote julia out this round, somebody who has been playing the middle, but also keep heather in because rebecca and heather will still be a big conflict in this game that autumn and i can take full advantage of. Then next round we blindside matt with that THICC idol in his pocket. I’m going to continue to be a little lowkey though. I just got to keep working on my social bonds at the moment while allowing Autumn and Jake to continue to do most of the leg work when it comes to getting votes and have our plans come into fruition. At the same time I’m always going to make sure that one on one with Autumn and Jake, I’m always putting a lot into our strategy and what we want to do. I need a good balance of doing enough to not be considered a goat, and not doing enough to be considered that binch who will probably win the game. If this works how I want it to, Autumn and Jake should be targeted before I am. They'll be seen has the big threats to win while for a little I’ll just be seen as a number until I have my breakout episode. [3/5/18, 4:35:22 PM] Bec: Yeah it sounds right [3/5/18, 4:35:41 PM] Bec: Honestly I would've voted for Ben [3/5/18, 4:35:45 PM] Bec: If I had known [3/5/18, 4:45:33 PM] Matthew Summers: okay just read all this [3/5/18, 4:45:56 PM] Matthew Summers: yeah i torally get where ur coming from but its just lol to me they’d bring up those alliances [3/5/18, 4:46:33 PM] Matthew Summers: bitches were desperate [3/5/18, 4:46:47 PM] Matthew Summers: i think now more than ever we need each other tho Like if I literally got out of flipping on Matt and Rebecca with them feeling like Julia and Mo are the ones who were screwing them over last round then.... I think the play for me and Autumn is 100% get Julia to be the vote this round, and blindside Matt with the idol next round. Autumn and I will be able to continue playing the middle and eliminate a good social player who has a lot of connections around the tribe. Julia does trust Jake and tells him a lot so while I don't really speak to her I feel like I know where her head is at in this game. Idk, I guess I just hope I can somehow finesse her vote out. That would be iconic.

Ok so I think I am in a realy good spot right now and am kinda seen as a floater, let me go through each player and my thoughts on them cause why not? Autumn - Love her and kinda trust her, she seems really smart and I feel like she has my back for now and won't screw me over anytime soon, I am comfortable in my alliance with her and Mitch. Bec - Have barely talked to her, don't trust her and don't think I will get on with her at all, she seems to play the game based off personal feelings which is why I want to stay in her good books. Eddie - I love Eddie, he is a paranoid mess like me, he is leaking everything to Jake so like I wanna keep him around for as long as possible so we can gain some info. Heather - I want to keep Heather around so that Bec and Heather are at each others throats, I know they will want each other out for as long as they are here. JakeP - I trust him and he has my back but I want to take him out deeper into the game because he is such a big threat. Julia - Julia is crazy, she leaks EVERYTHING and its sooooooo annoying but I kinda trust her but don't want to tell her everything from now on. Matthew - Barely talked to him, feel like I have nothing in common with him. Mitch - Very quiet and seems like a SUPER loyal player but is a massive comp threat and want to kinda get rid of him at like final 7. Mo - Very quiet but love him and hopefully can build a better connection with him. Trixie - MY IDOL QUEEN, MY FINAL 2. WE MAKING FINAL 2 100%%%%%%%

So close, I am happy for Autumn though. So my plan now is to talk to everyone as much as possible so no one wants me out (watch me get eliminated this episode).

8th place better stay the fuck away from me

Ok Eddie, I see you going around spreading rumors of an alliance that doesn’t even exist to get Ben eliminated. Not on my gay watch.

I got heated over something that was true but out of context 

https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F05%2F01%2F635976589804739355-43642855_SPONGebob%2520name.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=781&h=dc57ed65ebfa23eccc12c1656da0d0990b983fedbbeba71deed5fe968a365170&size=980x&c=2605286685

okay bitches here’s the tea. so yesterday eddie told me that he was going to tell rebecka that julia leaked the core 3 and i didn’t want julia getting heat for that but it was too late bc eddie wanted to do it and even with me saying i don’t think it’s a good idea didn’t do anything. so he told rebecka and rebecka ended up freaking out on julia and she came to the chat with me and trixie but she immediately thought Mo leaked it so i ran with it because Mo leaked the 5 person alliance to Eddie before. fast forward to today, Mo told me that Julia leaked the alliance they had and was saying the same to Eddie, so I went to Julia and told her to get her to target Mo because I wanted him out this round tbh. I mean if I can get Mo/Mitch/Rebecka/Matt out i’ll be happy because I think they’re all still close. Julia also doesn’t trust Matt now because Eddie told me that Matt told him that Julia is shady so I spilled that tea to Julia as well. Eddie is worrying me a bit because Matt and Rebecka are still talking to him a lot and trust him.  like bitch what. whatever. i hope the faves continue to turn on each other :3

so eddie is a MESS. flipping to my alliance, flipping against us, then flipping back? thats circa 2014 matt summers teas. he gotta go soon, but we need him now rip

i dont trust julia anymore. she came to me trying to say she didnt throw rebecka and i under the bus but she def did so i’d love to vote her out butwe’re going with mo bc thats what eddie wants to do. sigh.

Hello I'm coming at you live from my sociology class hoping I don't get a strike The only names out there are julia and mo. I don't care about voting julia but if mo goes home I will be pissed and on the wrong side of the vote yet again. But that's fine because I GUESS I'm just playing the deception game from this point on. I'm loyal to Autumn and shoib but damn we are bad planners. I think because of how disorganized the merge tribe is I can get away with lying about my vote for a few more rounds.

I am watching this tribe chat like a fucking hawk!!  but also I wanna see how Kaoh Rong turns out? So if Mo and Julia could not blow up everyone’s game rn that’d be amazing. I’m SO glad I’m immune now God is good all the time

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=r6xX_C_N-NQ

IM WORKING WITH MO RN AND WE ARE VOTING OUT MATT LMAO HeatherThe vote was Mo for like hours, which I was not really comfortable with, but I love Julia so I had to protecc her. HOWEVER, everything seems like it was a misunderstanding so now its Matt, who doesn't message me toooo much. Plus I am there for Mo since we had to suffer in the drinking challenge together. Sorry Matt kiss kiss.

So this is one of my last minute right before tribal confessionals! I'm feeling shook as fuck cause something's just not smooth in the buttermilk. Something is up and I think an idol will probably be played tonight. Everyone is saying Mo but nobody knows who Mo is targeting. Like shouldn't he be campaigning to people so why has nobody heard a name other than Mo? He either has an idol, or people are lying to me because I'm getting blindsided.... Neither of those options are good at all because it means I'm most likely getting voted out tonight. I just don't have a good feeling at all and maybe I'm just being paranoid but idk. My gut tells me something is up. I really don't wanna spend time in the jury with Ben. That would be hella awkward.

[sunflowerstationary]

This post is… kind of long

Tip: when typing on tumblr app, since it inconvenient to save as you go, occasionally select and copy everything so it’s saved on the clipboard

I can’t say much about the driving test because its been forever, but my instructor wasn’t like, unfriendly. I asked him about his job and he talked about how in his experience doing the test, all of the accidents have happened because of people who already had their licenses. And really, theres no shame in failing your first test. The instructor i had failed several people from the School of Driving or something. Its not a consistent test, I don’t think.

I’m really glad you get to live with Scappy again, I’m sure he’s super pleased to see you all the time again. i hate being away from my babies so much. They have each other, but no one pays enough attention to them I just don’t enjoy being home most of the time. Honestly, the biggest problem is that theres no where comfortable to sit. Like, the kitchen table doesn’t have chair backs, the couches are uncomfortable and impossible to cuddle on, and the floor is, well, the floor. Plus you never know who’s going to be home and when.

I would totally love to learn some russian. I wish I had the time to really commit myself to learning another language. I’m currently just trying to teach myself to use home row using keybr. I have yet to get all the way through because q keeps fucking me up. Also my nails make it kind of hard to like, really keep my fingers on the home row because if i do that I can’t really hit the bottom row of keys.

I occasionally text Collin, but they aren’t very good for answering. I don’t think there ever was any sort of resolution between us and think we agreed to keep it that way. I don’t think about them very much but I do miss them. I wish i could keep track of them better and support them somehow, they really meant a lot to me.

As a kind of side note, I occasionally talk to Rayzel. I like her, though its awkward sometimes because she doesn’t really carry on a conversation well. She rarely messages me first and that makes it really hard for me but she’s uber supportive all the time and its nice. She’s kind of been a nice neutral party when i don’t know who to talk to about a something.

Things are kind of better for me, though it feels fake and definitely would still rather be dead most of the time. Like I’m not sad as often but I also tend to default to sleep or alcohol before it gets really bad. So thats probably not the most healthy coping mechanisms but. idk things are good right now but i’m also pretty sure its because my school workload is very light and I’m barely working. I haven’t done any work for athena in twoish weeks and I’m only working 11ish hours for bk so I’m all hell will break loose for me when school gets tough and I get more hours.

The babies are good, Sandstorms face is getting bad again, and Lucky probably needs another bath. Sandstorms taken up peeing in the dining room again. Mom put the litter box in there for a while and obviously it helped, but mom couldn’t deal with the smell so she slowly moved it closed to the door for downstairs. and by slowly I mean not very slowly at all. It don’t think it really helped because I caught sandstorm peeing in there one morning when I was getting her shot ready.

Me and Kevin are good. Since I isolated the hell out of myself so he would be comfortable, there really isn’t any other tensions. I do really regret isolating myself so hard. I still wonder sometimes if I’m making the right decision here- am I going to look back in twenty years and wish I had put my foot down while I was still young and we had only been together a few years? I’m so clearly poly, and I’m going to keep falling in love with my friends for the rest of my life. Thats just how I am. I really don’t know what to do about it. I can’t imagine life without Kevin. I can’t even remember to put a bra on or brush my teeth, he more or less holds my life together since I just cannot.

The party thing was good. I got so drunk. I regret that. But it was fun and I really like Chris so. One of kelvins other friends, Tyler, who I like as well, showed up super high and now I am uncomfortable. Like, i knew he smoked but idk. I think I still need to get over that. I probably just need to get high once or twice and like. Not die or whatever. idk. But I totally forgot Chris’s comment and I’m TOTALLY going to ask the next time were alone. I’ll have to ask Kevin about the comment again to refresh my memory.

I haven’t tried the wine yet, it’s at my house and I plan on opening it whenever I need it there since its more socially acceptable than shots.

Athena hasn’t been great tbh. It did wonders for my self-esteem while I was there. More from feeling like I was important than actual work. But now that I’m gone, no one talks to me at all and it kind of. feels like its invalidating everything that happened while I was there. Idk. I got fairly close with a girl named Aubrie but she has barely talked to me at all since I left. No one is willing to hold conversations with me, and I wasn’t really around long enough and I didn’t talk enough to be able to ask people about their lives. Plus, they’re all very much in different parts of life than me, so it wouldn’t be good conversation anyway. Being a good listener is less useful when its not in persna and they have to type up everything. Its more effort for less reward. So no, i’m not getting much work and no I don’t really keep up with anyone. I should though. Physical letters would be a good idea. I wish I was a bit more creative, I could like, send pictures and trinkets and such. Idk. I should def do it.

I have so much I’ve wanted to talk to you about, but I can’t even remember most of it. I’m not sure If I told you, but the only queer on the team recommended the artist Kate Bush to me. They said that she was a very important part of her life and they have a tattoo relating to one of her songs so I was like ‘I’ll totally give her a try’. I’ve only really listened to her album Hounds of Love, but her other famous songs are Withering Heights and Babooshka. She’s very whimsical, and I have no idea if you’ll like her but, you know. I listened to a documentary on her while I was working and it was super interesting so I’m convinced.

NOTE: we should probably tag these so we can find them. You’re better at coming up with tags, so its your job :P

Schools been okay, Team Projects been kind of yucky because its all the people I’m trying to avoid, but the teacher is A++, very dad. So hopefully it should be okay. The problem is we had to ‘expose’ ourselves to help us work in teams better and I both did not want to share at all and also very much wanted to overshare. But Jordan, a girl who I took bookbinding with and I’m friends with, is in the class so that helps. Diversity in the Deaf Community is cool, the teacher is super great. He’s deaf, which makes it hard for me to talk to him but he’s so AWARE. Our first real lecture talked about how everything is a social construct. I never hear teachers talking about that. the final project is going to be a big deal though and I’m worried its going to overwhelm me, because I’ve got big final projects in every class.

ASL 3 is fine, I feel behind but it hasn’t gotten bad yet. Its got a paper that requires I interview a deaf person which. should be interesting. I really am shit at reading sign sometimes. Topics in Media Arts, Sciences will probably be really helpful in the long run but will probably be hell. The teacher is Russian, I believe, and her english isn’t always very good. The way she talks is incredibly frustrating for me- she’s just like my mom, she stops halfway through sentences. And she’s not always clear and we have to do like, real experiments. Were going to have eye tracking and finger thingys and its gonna be a lot.

And then Abnormal psych, the only class I’m actually excited to go to, which is from 5:30 to 6:50 which is. so yucky. But the teacher is super great and also super aware. she talks about how we need to break down the stigma around mental illness. Her specialty is working with Bipolar kids. She’s very energetic but i think she’s probably in her forties?  I actually have no idea but i’m accounting for my shitty sense of peoples age. Her face is actually very skull-like if you look at it close enough. Her eyes are kind of sunken and her nose is kind of big. I keep like, unconsciously diagnosing her. I think she probably has body image issues. She’s incredible, incredibly skinny. She wearing really tight tops but always has really really baggy pants. Idk, its not really my place though.

Mom hasn’t bitched as much about Ed lately, but I’m not sure if it’s because it’s getting better or because she’s getting used to it. I’m getting used to it for sure. I talked to him about making the cat tree. He said it would take a couple hours at most, and would be considerably cheaper than 300 dollars. He can get carpet for free, and wood and brackets aren’t that expensive. I guess before I okay it with him, look online, the the prices were much much cheaper (though I don’t know about shipping) but if me and Ed do it, you can make it look however you want. I think that would be kind of cool. I’ll try to remember to bug you about this if you don’t text me about it.

Victoria broke up with TJ, and he was anorexic for a time and dropped a bunch of weight. He says now he’s back to about his old weight now, with the binging and the muscle gain. He also recently started dating a tiny red head names Cameron. I don’t know much about her other than she’s a singer and not much of a dancer (Which is approximately the opposite of Victoria).

Dad has more or less stayed out of my life.

Me and Kevin got into Bondage, and it’s very much an experience I want to share with you. But I don’t know how comfortable you’d be so I figured I’d ask before I got into it. I also found out i’m into wax play and we’ve both struggled with the whole thing where were both subs and its hard.

Speaking of hard, I just wanted to make it clear in case it wasn’t, I’m not particularly comfortable being in Steve’s presence. I’m not sure what to do about it- I feel guilty for not liking him, especially because I wasn’t sure if it was because of who he is or because I’m jealous but now i’m especially wary of him after the thing on my birthday. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to really like him after all of the things he’s said about me that were negative. I admit, he is kind part of the reason I don’t really come over anymore (though our conflicting work schedules really really don’t help). So. Idk. I don’t particularly want to talk to him about it but I’m willing to if you want me to.

I think I had more to say, but theres already so much so! I love you very very much and I don’t even have words to explain how relieved I am that things are looking up for you. You deserve the whole word, just for being you. It’s probably more my fault for the lack of communication, especially as the one with more spoons in general.

Thank you for everything

EDIT: Send me the link to the Boot! Also, you should be proud, I’ve been listening to P!ATD for the past two weeks straight. so.